Chapter Text
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Stop the clocks, it's amazing
You should see the way the light dances off your head
A million colours of hazel, golden and red
[…]
So alone in love like the world had disappeared
Oh, I won't be silent and I won't let go
I will hold on tighter 'til the afterglow
- Afterglow, Ed Sheeran
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“Hey there.”
“Hey.”
There was an awkward pause.
Sam and Bucky both stood in the living room, three meters apart, staring at each other.
Sam was fidgeting nervously with the keys in his hands. He had been so sure that he’d tell Bucky now. Had been so certain that all it would take were a few simple words to start the conversation.
Then he had stepped inside the living room and Bucky, who had then been sitting on the sofa, had turned towards him at the sound of his steps. He had basically jumped off the sofa, the bowl filled with cereal still in his hands, and had outright beamed at Sam. That could have been it. This could’ve been Sam’s chance. But instead of saying something, anything really, Sam had just stood there as if thunderstruck. All of his self-confidence had vanished. All words that had once inhabited his brain had been wiped out. Had been replaced by the dull sound of his heart frantically beating in his chest.
Slowly he had watched Bucky grin shrink down to an uncertain smile and had watched Bucky shift slightly on the spot, quickly glancing down at the bowl of cereal and then back up at Sam as if readjusting his perception of the situation. Only Bucky’s greeting had freed Sam from his temporary paralysis. “Hey” Sam had replied and had noticed relieved that a smile had crept on his face.
And now here they were. Three meters apart from each other, both waiting for something to happen.
“I, uh… I got your note” Bucky said finally and gestured vaguely towards the kitchen table.
“Oh, that’s good I guess…” Sam’s eyes followed Bucky’s notion and then met Bucky’s eyes again.
Once, he might’ve mistook the frown on Bucky’s forehead as an unfriendly or even hostile one, but now he knew better. He had learned to read Bucky like an open book and knew very well that Bucky was as confused about their current situation as Sam himself felt. Sam felt a pinch of embarrassment. He took a step forward, still not sure what to say or do but sure that he wanted to explain himself and save them from this unbearably uncomfortable silence.
Bucky beat him to it though. Before Sam could react properly, Bucky had broken their eye contact and had marched past Sam into the kitchen.
“Just putting this away then” he heard Bucky murmur as he put the bowl into the dish washer.
“Sure…” Sam replied so quietly that he wan’t even sure if Bucky had heard him at all.
Still busy with the dish washer Bucky said “I also made you one of those sandwiches that you like so much. It’s in the fridge.” He glanced over his shoulder to Sam who happily noticed that Bucky seemed to have shrugged off this rather awkward moment and was speaking in his normal tone again.
“Thanks.” Sam said and couldn’t help but smile despite the unsettling feeling of uncertainty that was still lingering inside him.
“I’m just gonna take a shower real quick and then I’ll be back downstairs.”
Bucky nodded and smiled at him and Sam turned around and started climbing the stairs.
He sighed silently to himself. That hadn’t gone according to plan at all. But maybe that was the point. He didn’t have a decent plan to begin with. Telling Bucky his feelings. Not much of a plan. So no matter what his sister had said, he should probably think this through. He needed to at least find a way of starting the conversation without acting like an uncertain unexperienced teenager.
Bucky was standing in the middle of his room looking around searching for his swimming trunks, when Sam reappeared by his side. He leaned against the doorframe seemingly a lot more relaxed than he had been after his run.
“Am I intruding?” Sam asked.
“Not at all” Bucky said and snatched his swimming trunks from somewhere under the pile of clothes in his suitcase. “I was just looking for these. So what’s up?”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
Bucky frowned slightly. Not once in the last few days had one of them bothered to ask permission to enter the other one’s room. The first few days they had of course been a bit more reserved and had not simply marched into the other’s room but after a while, when it was clear that neither of them objected to the idea of the other simply entering, they had dropped all the uncertainty and from then on Sam had always simply come in with the confidence of someone who knew he’d be welcome. He had even stayed in this very room the previous nights, so basically it was fair to say that they’d been past that point of asking permission to enter.
“You alright?” Bucky asked. Sam sat down on his bed.
“Yeah, don’t worry. Sorry if I seem a bit off… it’s just… I uh talked to my sister.” He let his eyes drift across the room and then looked down. “The airports are open again.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, so … I guess we won’t be staying here for much longer.”
Bucky felt his mood drop. “I guess so” he sighed.
He felt uncomfortable and avoided Sam’s eyes. “I kinda knew since yesterday.”
“Why didn’t you say so?” Sam looked up at him sounding surprised.
Bucky let his gaze shortly drift through the room. “I don’t know. Just… I…”
He knew why he hadn’t said anything. Knew it perfectly well. The thought made him blush slightly. When he’d seen the news on the TV the day before the first thing he had felt was disappointment. But it wasn’t just the prospect of pretending to stay on vacation a bit longer that had made him keep quiet. He didn’t want to leave all of what they had here behind. Didn’t want this to end. And by pretending for a while longer, he had kept that illusion going that it didn’t need to end at all. In his head, leaving Greece would mean closing the door to whatever there was between them. Yes, they had had a wonderful time here and had got to know each other even better.
They had slowly but undeniably shifted closer and closer to whatever could’ve been. With only a little bit more time on hand, he had thought, they might still reach that barrier naturally where everything just happened. Like in one of those romantic comedies. The moment when the sudden realization hit the two protagonists that they were meant for each other, the moment in which neither of them could hold back his feelings any longer. With only a little bit more time, maybe that could’ve happened for them Bucky had thought.
But even then, even in his head the had sounded pathetic. This wasn’t a stupid rom-com. The reopening of the airports had proved just that to him. No, the only way this was going to work was if he could actually work up the courage to finally tell Sam. Just like he’d planned this morning. Not just yet though. He couldn’t just use that as the answer to Sam’s question. That would be way too cheesy, right? But maybe he could hint at it? Test the waters, see how Sam would react?
He looked into Sam’s eyes.
“I guess I just liked it here so much that I wanted it to last a bit longer.”
“I get that.” Sam replied quietly and the warmth and understanding in his eyes nearly took Bucky’s breath away. Suddenly Bucky felt sure that Sam felt the same way about leaving this place behind as him.
“It was a pretty amazing trip.”
“Yeah, that’s for sure.”
Not breaking their eye contact Sam got up from the bed and took two steps in Bucky’s direction.
“Well, I have an idea though.”
“You do?” His breath caught in his throat at their sudden proximity.
“Yes. Since we only have today left as it seems… why don’t we make the most of it?”
Bucky swallowed. “And how’d we do that?” He tried to keep his voice as casual as Sam’s but was pretty sure that it didn’t work.
“What about” Sam said, his voice low “spending the afternoon by the pool and then in the evening I will cook us something and we’ll have one last amazing dinner here at sunset. And after that we could just… talk I guess.”
It was in that moment that Bucky was sure that Sam knew exactly what he was doing to Bucky. Knew how he affected him. Knew how much his low tone of voice and the way leaned towards him leave very fiber in Bucky’s body want to explore the feeling further. The thought suddenly made Bucky feel incredibly bold and daring. He wanted to make Sam knew that he’d understood. Wanted to make him feel the same if only for a short moment. He leaned closer to Sam himself, his eyes never leaving Sam’s.
“Dinner at sunset, huh? How very romantic… I’m looking forward to it.”
He was rewarded for his daring move almost immediately: Sam’s eyes widened and it obviously took him a moment to collect himself again.
“Well, I’ve told you before, I’m a very romantic guy.” He said hoarsely.
“That you’ve mentioned.” Bucky grinned. “Which means you’ve got quite the expectation to live up to tonight…”
“Don’t worry, I can handle the responsibility … I guess.” Sam grinned back, holding Bucky’s gaze. “So we’re agreed? We’re gonna have the dinner tonight?”
Bucky nodded. Then he remembered something. “And the talk. You said we needed to talk. We should do that.”
“Yeah, I think we should.” Sam said almost gently. It sounded like a promise and it made Bucky’s heart flutter with anxious anticipation.
Afraid that he might ruin it by saying something stupid, Bucky took a step back. “I’m … gonna go to the pool then.”
Sam still smiled at him. “Sure.”
“You wanna join me?”
“Still gotta get the ingredients for dinner, Bucky.” Sam grinned.
“Oh yeah, right. Then call me when you start cooking?” Sam shook his head, the charming smirk from before back on his face. “It’s a surprise, Bucky.”
Then he turned around and left the room.
Bucky remained inside the room for a while longer. When he heard the front door close behind Sam, he took a deep breath and then breathed out the air again. He suddenly felt very light as if an incredible weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He couldn’t have misunderstood that, right? They were surely talking about the same thing, right? Feeling giddy and unable to stop smiling all of a sudden he clutched the swimming trunks in his hand a bit more tightly and went to go for a swim in the pool.
At about 8pm Sam put a big bowl of salad on the dining table on the terrace as the last item to complete their dinner. He stepped back a bit and let his gaze wander over the table one last time to check if everything was in place. He had spent the last half an hour or so, arranging and rearranging the cutlery next to the plates and glasses on the red tablecloth. Once more he moved the pair of wine glasses a few more inches to the right. Now they weren’t standing in front of the bowl of salad anymore and weren’t hiding the bottle of white whine in the table’s center from view.
Alright then. This was gonna work, wasn’t it? No, something was still missing, Sam decided. Something didn’t seem right. But what? Was it the that unoccupied space next to the bottle of whine? But what else could he put there to make it perfect? He couldn’t move the plates again and the cutlery was finally arranged in a sort-of-okay way. But what if… Sam stepped back and went back inside the kitchen where he opened one of the drawers hesitantly. A red candle was lying inside. It would be perfect to fill the empty space on the table. But maybe it was a bit too much? One step too far? A candle was very date-like, wasn’t it? But wasn’t that what he was going for, he asked himself?
He’d sworn to himself while cooking their dinner that he’d see this through and wouldn’t chicken out. And hadn’t Bucky pretty much confirmed his suspicion that he wanted this as well? The dinner, the talk afterwards? Silently encouraging himself one last time that he hadn’t misinterpreted their talk before and that this was going to work out as planned, he squared his shoulders, took the candle, carried it outside, put it on the desk, drew a lighter out of his back pocket and lit the candles.
One last look at the table confirmed his choice. Now it was perfect. He nodded to himself and then went back inside to look for Bucky.
The instant that Sam stepped out of the cool house again, into the warm evening sun on the balcony and breathed in the scent of cypresses, he felt a comforting calm envelope him. The scene before his eyes was purely breathtaking and he was lost in awe as his eyes caught sight of Bucky, who sat on the wall of the balcony. He had drawn up one of his legs while he let he other one causally dangle off the wall. He hadn’t noticed Sam yet, or if he had he he didn’t show it. Instead his gaze was fixated on a small and fluffy looking cat that was chasing after a bright spot of light that Bucky let bounce off his left arm. His eyes were sparkling softly as followed the cat’s movements and a gentle smile was set on his face.
While he had been cooking before, Sam hadn’t stopped once to tear his gaze away from the task before him. Too absorbed had he been in what he was doing to even once look outside the window and notice the magnificent sunset forming that was now shining in the sky behind Bucky in the most beautiful way possible: The clouds in the sky were dipped in orange, yellow, red and even purple light. It looked as if the sky was on fire and even the sea was sparkling underneath the gleaming sun. Sam had momentarily forgotten why he had come up here in the first place and leaned back against the wall of the house to take in the breathtaking view.
Soon his attention drifted naturally towards Bucky whose hair was shining auburn in the evening light and whose features appeared incredibly soft as he kept playing with the small cat. A grin flashed across Bucky's face as he must’ve recognised Sam’s presence and quickly glanced over his shoulder.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Sam heard him say quietly, his eyes now turned towards the sea, gazing into the distance.
Sam swallowed. Without taking his eyes off Bucky he exhaled “Yes, it really is.”
The sight of Bucky was almost too much too handle for Sam, whose heart seemed to outright swell with joy and love. Right then he wanted nothing more than to walk over to Bucky, sit next to him, reach for his hand, lean against his side and enjoy the sun setting behind the horizon with him. But no, not now. He’d promised himself and he’d promised Bucky to talk first. After dinner.
“Dinner’s ready” he managed to say and smile.
Bucky nodded, but neither of them moved. Only as the sun eventually disappeared behind the sea and the last remaining streak of light on the water vanished with it, Bucky eventually turned around and looked directly at Sam, still looking so at peace that Sam nearly didn’t dare to say anything at all. For a few seconds he just held Bucky’s gaze, wanting to remember this expression forever.
Bucky followed him down the stairs, always directly behind him, often brushing gently against him, sending pleasant chills down Sam’s body. When they stepped inside the living room Sam turned around, nervous and somewhat giddy at the same time to see Bucky’s reaction of his choice of dinner. Bucky stood on the doorway, eyes wide, a huge smile on his face, beaming at Sam. “You remembered.” He stated blankly.
Sam returned the smile happily. He had specifically chosen speckled trout as main course for this dinner just to see Bucky’s reaction to it and even though it had taken him some time to actually get one here in Greece it had been completely worth it.
It must’ve been the third or fourth time that Bucky had visited him and his family in De about half a year ago, when Bucky had finally allowed Sam to take him on a fishing trip. Sam was sure that he would never forget the look on Bucky’s face when he’d actually managed to catch his first fish - the fish being a speckled trout of course. There had been so much joy and pride on Bucky’s face like Sam had rarely seen it before. It had been such a mundane and insignificant thing, but for Sam it had meant the world to see Bucky so content and happy.
So here they stood now hundreds of hours and kilometers away from that day and place and Sam was filled with glee at how well his surprise had worked out.
“Of course I remembered.” He said and then pointed at the table. “Shall we?”
Bucky beamed at him and they sat down opposite each other. There was a strange but enthralling anticipation hovering in the air between them as they ate, the foreshadow of the promised talk after dinner constantly on Sam’s mind. They talked lightly about various topics that are to their minds but for Sam all of them were rather for the sake of hiding how nervous he felt. It was still perfect. The topics were just interesting enough without demanding both their absolute attention and represented the perfect little distractions for Sam because he was sure that if it weren’t for the food and their conversations he would simply lose his mind right there and then.
Exchanging all of these small but somehow charged glances, feeling the tension build between them… Bucky seemed nervous too. Quite endearingly so. When he refilled their glasses Sam imagined seeing his hand shake slightly and when he went into the kitchen to fetch the dessert (Mousse au Chocolat with little raspberries on top) he was apparently unable to avert his eyes from Sam for too long and as a result nearly ran into the kitchen counter — an incident that made both of them chuckle but still did nothing to shoo away the unbearable anticipation.
When at last Sam took his last bite of the dessert and enjoyed the sweet taste of chocolate melt on his tongue, their conversation died away as well. Heavy, meaningful silence settled itself between the two of them and they were left sitting there staring at each other for a few heartbeats, Sam searching for some kind of sign in Bucky’s eyes. Convincing himself that this was what all the waiting had been for, encouraging himself one last time, swallowing down every bit of doubt that was left, he finally cleared his throat when at last he couldn’t bare it any longer, determined to see this through til the end.
“Should we … we should … do you want to talk?” His voice was as nervous and wavering as he felt but then he saw Bucky’s eyes so full of hope that he knew he’d said the right thing.
Bucky nodded. To Sam’s surprise he stood up though and stared down at him seemingly a bit lost and unsure. “I just thought … maybe in the living room.” He shifted his weight nervously from one foot to the other.
“What … yes of course.” Sam relied immediately. Bucky was probably right. Maybe would actually be easier without a whole table standing between them.
He quickly stood up as well and nearly knocked over his chair in the process.
“Sorry” he grinned at Bucky. Bucky grinned back. Somehow this took away some of the nervous energy between them, leaving behind a tingly feeling in Sam’s stomach.
“Just… uhm … I’ll just put that back into the fridge.” Sam pointed at the last bit of Mousse Au Chocolate on the table.
He went to turn when he saw Bucky shift his weight from one foot to the other out of the corner of his eyes. There was something in the gesture — Sam didn’t know what — that made him stop dead right on the spot. Bucky was still standing next to the table, one hand on the table, leaning against it slightly. His eyes were fixed on Sam following his very move. The light of the candles was reflected in his eyes and there was something so utterly enticing in his posture and his gaze.
“I…” Sam couldn’t bring himself to look away just yet. He didn’t even know where he was going with this, he just knew that his feet didn’t want to move, didn’t want to carry him further away from Bucky. All of his senses were elevated; even time itself seemed to slow down as Bucky took a very small step towards him.
It was like the invitation Sam had been waiting for. Without averting his eyes he set the bowl he was still holding back on the table. “… can wait” he commented in a whisper and slowly reached out his hand. He gave Bucky time to retrieve but when he didn’t he placed his hand carefully on Bucky’s arm, feeling the cool and elegantly polished metal under his palm. He moved his hand over Bucky’s wrist and finally, gently, took Bucky’s hand into his, intertwining their fingers.
“Bucky, I… what I wanted to say…” he nearly whispered. “What I meant to say is… is it alright…” he was way too distracted by the way Bucky’s thumb was moving over his skin in small circles.
“Sam“ Bucky said so gently it almost hurt. Sam stopped talking immediately as Bucky asked quietly “Can I kiss you?”
Sam’s heart skipped a beat.
He nodded.
“Yes.”