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Chapter Text

Charles Carson and his mother

Charles tried not to think a lot about his childhood, he did not like his early memories, but in the rare moments of free time, when he was all alone, they came back to him as a boomerang and he was shrinking inside, when he was thinking about those years.
It was not that his childhood was particularly unhappy, or that he was an abused or neglected child. His basic needs were fulfilled by his parents. He had a roof over his head, regular meals on the table and even a small number of toys, which he played with.

His father was a hard working man. Edward Carson was starting each of his days early, going to the factory in which he worked, long before his children: Charles and Victoria were awake. He was coming back by the end of the day, so tired, that often he couldn't even sit straight by the dinner table, as his head was falling down and his whole body was urging him to go to sleep. He was a man of his times, Victorian times- strict, severe and living by a very restrictive moral code.

Charles, even as a young boy, saw and understood, that it was normal. All the other fathers of the boys who went to school with him, were pretty much the same. They were getting up every morning to go to work and coming back in the evening, trying to survive and to provide a decent level of life for their families. On Sundays, they were coming to the church with their wives and children, listening to the condemning sermons of the clerics, repeating over and over again, how they should all live according to God's rules.

Charles didn't like Sundays, as he felt very bored with those long speeches and he was always trying to find something interesting to do in the church, whilst his younger sister Victoria was sitting straight and being a good girl. He often met a reprimand from his father after church, for not being attentive enough.

Whenever Charles was thinking about his father, he was admiring this quiet, hard working man, for doing the right thing-for taking care of his family, the way he should. It was understandable, that men of those times had specific duties and raising their children, or sacrifising time to them, was not something that anybody would expect from them.

Charles's mother- Catherine, was also living according to the severe rules of her times. The same as it was expected from her husband, to take care about the family, she was expected to give birth to their children and to take care about them and the house, so the husband coming back in the evening from work, could find some peace and quiet in his own house. A hot meal on the table and smiled, considerate wife, making sure, that he has everything he needs.

When it came to taking care of the house, there was no doubt, that Catherine Carson was leading in this category. Her house was always perfectly clean, she was doing the washing, mending buttons and taking care of the garden, with never ending perfection, which amazed all people in the village. If there was ever an image in people's head of the perfect wife, they would point at Catherine, saying that she is as close to perfection, as anyone can get.

Her home made meals were famous, all Carson friends, who were invited to dinner from time to time, knew, that they will have a delicious meal and Charles who was approaching sixty, still remembered some of his mother's finest dishes and wished, that he could taste them one more time.

But there was another role to fill for Catherine Carson, apart from being the ideal wife and that was the role of the mother and here, her accomplishments were not as spectacular, as in wife's case.
As soon as Charles was old enough to understand some things, he noticed his mother treated him differently, than other mothers were treating his friends and even differently, than she was treating his younger sister.

Victoria was undoubtedly her mother's favorite and Catherine liked to dress her as a beautiful doll, praising her constantly in front of her friends, repeating how pretty and well behaved she was. Victorian times were not a moment in time when children got a lot of attention, or a lot of affection from their parents, but Charles quickly realized, that his sister was receiving hugs and kisses from their mother, of course always in the privacy of their home, but still she did, while he got none of that.

He was trying to understand, why it was that way and he was trying to let his mother know, that he also needed this, still being a little boy, for example when he had a fight with his friend, who took away his favorite ball and didn't want to give it back to him, hitting him so hard, that he fell on the ground, which made Charles coming back home crying and looking for a cuddle from his mother.

After all he was just a shy, frightened 8 year old boy, who was treated badly by his bullying friend and he needed a moment of care from his mother- a hug, some nice words, wiping his tears and maybe receiving some sweet treat from the pantry, which would make him feel better.

Unfortunately he got nothing. His mother finding out what has happened, showed absolutely no sympathy for him, on the contrary, she scolded him for not being bright enough and letting his friend to take the ball and distinctly told him, that he should not count on receiving another ball to play. She added, that his father was not working so hard, to waste money on unecessary toys, which he will not take care of.

Charles stood there, in the middle of the kitchen, crying and he neared his mother, wanting to receive a consoling hug from her, but she immediately moved away from him, scolding him even more and saying with a harsh voice, that he should always remember that he is a man, not a woman and he should accept such things with dignity.

Charles ran away from the house, hiding in the egghouse, with immense feeling of being treated unfairly. As if it wasn't enough, his mother made sure, that his father found out about this thing during dinner, presenting the situation in such manner, that it made his father think, that he was guilty, not the other boy.

Edward Carson was too tired after another hard day of work, to investigate, whether the version given him by his wife was true and he severely announced, that it will be a long time before Charles will receive any toy.
That night little Charlie went to bed swallowing his tears and wondering, why his mother didn't love him enough, not so much as she clearly loved his sister.

There were other things that he noticed as time passed-small things, like the fact that his mother has never give him a kiss goodbye, when he left for school in the morning, she was never interested to know what kind of pupil he was, even when his teacher once praised him, when he and his mother met him accidentally in the village, his mother didn't seem to care about his school successes at all and she didn't even mention anything to his father in the evening.

As if it wasn't enough, few times when he accidentally eavesdropped Catherine Carson's conversation with her cousin or a friend, he thought, that he will die of embarrassment, when he heard, that she called him her failed son-ugly and constantly causing troubles, unlike his sister, who was praised and called her darling, little daughter.

But the fragment of the conversation, which hurt his heart the most, was the sentence, that his mother used, describing him as someone who had no successful future ahead, she pictured him as a potential failure and she predicted, that he will never have a wife or a family of his own, because he is too ugly and clumsy, to caught an attention of any woman.

After hearing this harsh and cruel evaluation from his own mother, Charles has never tried to get close to her again. From this moment on, he decided, that he will make it on his own and he will take the hardest moments, without any support from Catherine.
Words that has carved into his mind deeply, has stayed with him forever and after years spent in his parents house, he took the first possible opportunity to get away, in the age of sixteen, by joining to the show group, giving public performances.

As the doors of his childhood home closed after him that night, when he decided to run away, he has never came back there again, as he didn't want to know, if his mother even cared that he left the house for good, although he suspected, that he already knew the answer to that question...

Chapter Text

Charles Carson and Alice Neal

Undoubtedly, Charles's life has changed a lot since he left his family home and decided to start a different kind of life. It wasn't easy at first, he had a hard time admitting, even to himself, that he really missed his family, his childhood friends, people from the village that he grew up in. His early life experiences, might not have been the easiest ones, but at least they were familiar.

It was something that he got used to. His biggest regret, was leaving the school before he had a chance to finish it, as he was generally a good pupil. He was wondering, if the fact that he didn't get a full education will be an important factor in his future life and career.
However now, was not the best time to think about it. Nowadays, his life was about going smoothly from one day to another. Charles was trying desperately to work out a routine, a schedule for the day, because he liked to function according to the plan, but it was difficult to achieve, now, when he was fully engaged in performing.

He met Charles Grigg and they became friends, although sometimes Charles was wondering, if this was the right word. They certainly bonded a little, when it came to performing on the stage, united in one mutual goal- to be fun and entertaining for the audience, but other than that, they were two, totally different people. They had nothing in common.

Charles, deep down inside, was a decent human being, he was taught to live by the rules and moral code, which his parents considered most important. There were some things that he would never do- like cheating, lying or stealing. It wasn't his style.

Charlie Grigg on the other hand, was totally opposite. Few conversations with him and Charles knew, that he didn't care at all about rules. He lived from day to day, not thinking about his past (in fact he rarely mentioned anything about it) or not wondering about his future. His main goals in life, was to have fun doing what he was doing on stage, preferably not working too hard, to make as much money as he could and after “work”, to have even more fun. Different sort of fun, the kind of fun, that made Charles feel disgusted by his actions. Smoking, drinking and regularly visiting the houses of ill repute, was normal for Grigg. He tried to convince Charles to do the same, but Charles was never willing to do that.

Grigg regularly made jokes about that and he called Charles a wimp and a looser, which only caused that they were drifting apart even more. As time went by, Charles began to realize, that what he was doing now, was definitely not the thing that he would want to do for the rest of his life.

He felt awkward and uneasy, performing on stage and he was hurting tremendously, when the public hated their double act. He hated the loud, long parties, which began immediately after the performance and all awful things, that were happening in there.
He was running away from the theatre, just not to participate in it. He started to think what should he do next, as he definitely didn't want to continue this kind of life and he was considering different possibilities.

For one moment, he even wondered, if he should go back to his parents house, but he was too afraid that his father, hurt by what he did, would not let him stay and he was more than sure, that his mother, would look at him with sarcastic smile on her face, which she always used to have, when she was looking at him and would probably made some remark about Charles's inability to make it on his own. No, coming back to the house was not an option.

Yet Charles was still wondering, how to get away from the mess, that he got himself into, but suddenly, everything has changed and his dream of getting out of here has vanished, when he met a young and lovely lady called Alice Neal. She caught his attention, when she started to attend their performances, always sitting in the front rows and always clapping her hands louder than anyone else. Her wide smile and beautiful face, was something that he liked to look at, especially during the most embarrassing moments of the performance.

Swiftly after, she started to visit them backstage, as many girls did. They were used to that, but she was different. Usually the girls who visited them, had some ulterior motives, while she was just curious about this kind of life. They started to talk and Charles was blushing, whenever he saw that she came to visit again.

Being born gentelman as he was, he offered to walk her home and swiftly, it became their ritual. Charles found those moments of walking with Alice the most precious moments of his day. He had misty eyes and a dreamy smile during the day and when he was falling asleep each night, he thought about the delicate beauty of Alice Neal. She seemed to be so sweet and kind. An exact type of woman, that he would want to marry.

He was still very young, but those thoughts were not stranger to him. When he went to bed at night, he had wonderful visions of him and Alice, creating a home and a happy family together, with children, which he solemnly promised himself, will all be loved and valued the same, as oppose to what it was like in his family home.

He knew, that it was definitely too early for those kind of declarations, but nobody could forbade him to have such sweet dreams, dreams of the future, that he was hoping to have, a happy future.
However to be able to achieve that, he had to think about what he wanted to do in life, he had to find a real job, to be able to support himself and in the future to create a stable life for him and Alice.
One thing that he was sure of, was that he definitely wanted to marry her, but he decided not to talk about it, till his life situation will not be more stable.

Unfortunately, he didn't realize, that there was one person, who wanted to destroy his happiness and his plans for the future, it was his stage fellow- Charlie Grigg. From the moment when they started to act together, he was insanely jealous about Charles. Perhaps because no matter how much he tried, Charles was always better at everything. Charles was more handsome, Charles was more bright, he was doing so much better with the performances than him, ladies were smiling to him much often, he received tips more than Charles and so on and on...

Grigg developed a feeling of deep aversion to Charles and when he noticed, that something started between Charles and Alice and also he saw how much it meant for Charles, he decided to ruin it for him.
He acted gradually, but effectively. He started courting Alice and even though Charles was superior than him in almost everything, there was one thing, that Grigg was better with- charming ladies and giving them a vision of bright future, which had nothing to do with reality, but it convinced Alice, that Grigg was the one who was worth to bet on.

In the same time, Charles started to save money, to buy a ring for Alice, as he was decided to ask her to marry him and he had a very harsh meeting with reality, when he overheard Alice's talk with her friend, backstage, a female friend, who often accompanied her.
He wanted the earth to stop moving, when he heard her saying, that she intends to marry Grigg, as he is able to provide her with a bright future and a life, where she will not have to worry about money.

Alice's friend expressed her surprise, when she heard, that and she asked Alice about Charles. Everyone knew, that they were meeting often, but Alice replied, that first of all Charles is not so easy-going and brave as Charlie and she suspects, that life with him would not be half as exciting as life with Grigg, plus after having few shy kisses with him, she found out, that in this sphere, Grigg was also the one who had more to offer. She called Charles shy and clumsy, not worth the effort.

Charles couldn't remember, how he got out from the theatre that night, he only knew, that he was walking for hours in the dark, far away from the village, looking for quiet and loneliness.
For the second time in his life, his heart was broken, by a woman who was so close to his heart and meant so much for him. By the person that he relied on and who wanted to give everything. He was older and wiser now, but the pain was exactly the same, or even stronger.
When it came to his mother's feelings for him, he had no illusions, but with Alice, he really hoped for a change of his sad faith and for building a happy life. Once again, all his hopes were buried.

When the first shock ended, Charles came back to the cheap hotel room, that they were living in with Grigg and without informing anyone, he simply packed the few things which were all his belongings and left, in the middle of the night, leaving a short written message to Grigg, saying that it's the end of their mutual performances. He didn't explain anything, he simply walked away.

Few days earlier, when he was reading a local paper, he noticed an advertisement, about a position of the hall boy, in one of those grand houses, called Downton Abbey. That was his plan. He realized, that it will be a totally different life, a hard life, he knew very well all the stories about the difficult life of the servants, but at least this kind of life, will be marked with some kind of routine and his basic needs- as having a roof over his head, regular meals and a solid wardrobe, will be fulfilled.

He left the world of theatre far behind, with a strong resolution-to never go back to that world. There was also another resolution that he made, even stronger than the first one- he decided, that from now on, to the end of his life, he will never try to win a heart of any woman and he will never let himself to fall in love. He was a young man, with not a lot of knowledge about the world, but there was one thing that he was certain of- that loving a woman is not for him, as he didn't seem to deserve love...

Chapter Text

Charles Carson and Elsie Hughes-part 1

Charles couldn't believe, that he has been a part of Downton Abbey for over twenty years. He didn't regret any day spent in this house. Starting from the moment when he left the note to Grigg, saying that their mutual performances were over and headed to Downton, to apply for the job of the hall boy, with not a lot of hope, as he didn't have any experience in service.

Luckily for him, experience was not that important factor in the position of the hall boy. It was more about being a hard worker and doing things properly, according to the instructions of the senior staff...

Just as he predcited, this job gave him somewhat security in his life. He had roof over his head, he knew, that he will spend every night in the same place, he had regular meals, a wardrobe and he could save money, as he working here meant having almost no expenses.

The beginning was not easy, he had to get used to a totally different life. When he was performing with Grigg, they didn't have a lot of duties outside of their show, there was a lot of free time. Here, it was different- hard work from dawn till dusk, but Charles was raised in the family who valued hard work and he knew the meaning of it.

He was working swiftly, efficiently and tirelessly, he didn't socialize a lot with his co-workers, but he wasn't unkind too. His attachement to hard work, listening to the orders of the senior staff, without any objections, was noticed and appreciated soon, so he was climbing up quickly. It wasn't more than two years, when he was promoted from the hall boy to a footman and shortly after, to a first footman.

The old butler of Downton Abbey, Mr Mountjoy, relied on him totally. He knew, that Charles was the only person besides himself, who he could trust and if there was any difficult situation in the house, it was certain, that he will handle it.
Charles learned quickly, what was required to be a perfect servant. He knew what he should do, when to be seen and when it's better to stay hidden. He respected the family that he served and he thought of them as the only family that he had now. In the beginning, he was a little afraid of the old Lord and he was certainly terrified of Lady Grantham, whose words were often harsh, when a servant did something that she didn't approve. He was observing much and he was absorbing the necessary knowledge.

He was so pleased and proud, when one afternoon another footman was sent to serve Lady Grantham an afternoon tea and soon that footman came downstairs, shaken up and he told Charles, that he is summoned upstairs, to serve the tea, as Lady Grantham told him, that Charles is the only footman in this house who knows how things should be handled.

Time went by and after the death of Lord Grantham senior, Charles was pleased, that Robert, the current Lord of Grantham, was now his new boss, as their age was closer and they had a perfect understanding.
When the sad moment of Mr Mountjoy's death has come, Robert had absolutely no doubts, that Charles should be the next butler of Downton Abbey.

Charles was standing with his head held up high, with a faint smile on his face, realizing, that he has come a long and tiring way, to get where he was now and he was proud, that he managed to do that. With the power of his own brain and hard work of his own hands.
He welcomed changes in the Crawley family with joy. Of course he was a little surprised, when Lord Grantham has chosen an American to be his wife, but he trusted the good judgement of his boss, plus he was aware, that it was connected with money issues.

He was waiting impatiently with His Lordship for the birth of the new heir of Downton, but to the disappointment of both of them, three girls have been welcomed, but not a single boy.
Charles soon picked his favorite girl, which was the oldest daughter- Lady Mary, who was the joyest and in the same time, the most mischevious of all three girls. She visited him a lot in his pantry, talking about different matters and he always had some sweets hidden for her.

To this time, he didn't think a lot about children, but now, watching this rebellious, little girl, he wished, that he had one of his own.
However, to be able to be a father, he would have to marry first and that was not an option. Not only because in his professional position getting married was not an option, but also, because once he promised himself, that he will never fall in love in any woman again and he will never let any woman hurt him and so far, he kept that promise.

He was indifferent to women now. He didn't take any notice to any of the maids, even if they had pretty faces, when he went with the family to London, to do the season, he sometimes went to a pub, with other butlers, just to chat and share the experiences of their jobs, he listened with disbelief, of their bragging about visiting the houses of ill repute, whenever they had a chance. He couldn't understand, how those men were willing to pay women, for pretending that they love them. He felt disdain. He knew, that in the eyes of women he, himself, was obviously pretty unlovable and he couldn't imagine buying love for money.

He was sometimes observing local women in the church, wondering, if any of them would be able to have some interest with him, but he swiftly left those kind of thoughts behind, as soon as he was reminding himself, how all the women in his life treated him so far.
He was more than sure, that nothing will change in this matter, that he will stay forever alone and that there will never come a woman who will capture his heart.

However, he was wrong about that. When the Crawley girls were few years old and he was very confident in his position of a butler, young, Scottish woman joined the Downton staff, to become a head house maid.
Normally, Charles was always interested with new servants, who started their work at Downton, but from very professional reasons. He wanted to be sure, that every new member of the staff, will understand the importance of serving such grand family as the Crawleys, even in the case of women staff, although they were not under his jurisdiction-Mrs Stevens-the old housekeeper, was keeping an eye on them.

When young and lovely Miss Elsie Hughes came to Downton, he only knew, that she came from Argyll. He soon found out, that she was as much involved in her duties, as he was. Her work was excellent and her behavior was impeccable. She was kind, helpful and friendly to others and from what he heard from Mrs Stevens, during their usual evening glass of Sherry, Elsie was doing an excellent job as a head house maid. Mrs Stevens was praising her all the time.

If Charles was to be honest with himself, he would have to admit, that he ever since the first moment, that he laid his eyes on that lovely Scottish woman, he felt something, that he didn't expect to feel ever again. She had a unique kind of beauty, which caught not only his eye. To his outrage, he noticed, that during Sunday church services, other men from the village, were giving her hungry looks, leaving no doubts, what kind of dirty thoughts were going through their heads.

Charles was puzzled, why he noticed it in the first place and even more, why he cared so much about it.. After all, Elsie was just his work colleague and that was all. They didn't even talk much, they exchanged few glances from time to time and to his wonder, he noticed, that whenever that happened, Elsie seemed to blush a bit and avoided looking him directly in the eyes.

Before he fell asleep that night, he was thinking, if that had any special meaning, or was he simply overrating it too much...
He scolded himself, for giving any thought to that young and very pretty woman. He reminded himself, that he should stay away from any kind of romantic silliness...

However. it was not that easy...After all. they were working together, they met everyday and saw each other often during the day. To his own dissatisfaction, Charles noticed, that he quickly came from checking how much Elsie was involved in the work in the house, to checking how her brown hair, which had a charming tendency to curl, were surrounding her lovely face, he started to notice, how her beautiful blue eyes were sparkling with joy, during those rare moments, when the mood in the servants hall was more casual, at the time of an afternoon tea and someone told some joke, to lighten the atmosphere.

When their eyes met, he adored seeing her blushing and he caught himself waiting for those moments, he was mesmerized, when once he went upstairs, to check something, in the time when the maids were cleaning the living room and he heard her, quietly singing some old Scottish songs...Her voice was so nice to his ears and her unique accent, made her even more cute in his eyes...

Even if he tried very hard, it would be extremely difficult for Charles to stay indifferent to Elsie Hughes charm...She came here and she simply radiated with it from day one...
His heart was pounding hard in his chest when they were saying good morning to each other, he felt a wave of warmth, when she was closer to him than usual, giving him thoughts in his head, that he wanted to get rid of, but it was not possible....He felt sadness, when she was saying goodbye in the late evening, heading to her attic room, because he knew, that there will be many hours, until he will see her again...

Time was passing and very soon, the big moment for Elsie's career arrived too...When Mrs Stevens passed away and Lord Grantham asked Charles's advice about filling the position of the housekeeper, there could only be one answer to that and so Elsie Hughes took off her apron and she wore the dark blue dress for day and black dress for night, pinning the chatelaine to her side...

That was a huge change for all of them...Especially for Charles and even though he was sad about Mrs Stevens passing, he was at the same time extremely excited, because he knew, that from now on, they will have some more than just a shy exchange of glances in the hallway.

They will have to cooperate daily, discussing the most important matters and what was even more exciting, they will have a wonderful evenings together, with a glass of Sherry and Charles simply couldn't wait for this ritual, being impatient to know Elsie better, to talk to her, to know her views, her past life events and her hopes and dreams for the future, as he didn't doubt that she had some, just as he did...
In spite of the promise, that he made many years ago, Charles Carson let his heart go crazy one more time and although he couldn't forgot about his awful, past experiences, he had an inner feeling, that this time it will be different...

Chapter Text

Charles Carson and Elsie Hughes-part 2

Charles was still in a state of shock, when Elsie made him realize, that twenty years have passed since she came to this house. He was usually so focused on serving the Crawleys, that such things as time didn't matter to him a lot. Days, weeks, months, years have been passing and he didn't notice it.

He often thought of himself, as a man without past or the future, the only thing that mattered, was the presence.
Just as he predicted, when Mrs Stevens passed away and Elsie became the housekeeper, their relationship was getting tighter and tighter. They were the best friends, allies and people who supported each other, regardless of the situation.

Charles was in awe of Elsie's style of work. She wasn't as committed to the Crawley family as he was and she certainly didn't think of them as her own family, but that was probably because her life situation was different than his. When she became a housekeeper, her parents were still alive and she was sending and receiving letters from them.

During their late night talks, she told him about her parents and he listened carefully, being a tad jealous, that her childhood was so much better than his own. Elsie's parents shared the same devotion to moral code and hard work, as his mom and dad, but unlike them, they really loved their daughter and Charles noticed, how her face expression changed for softer one, whenever she mentioned them...
He was so curious about her life, he wanted to know everything. Where she grew up, how many years has she attended school, what were the people like in the village that she grew up in.

Elsie willingly answered all his questions, happy that she could go back to her Scottish childhood home, even through a conversation with him...
Charles listened to her, but he didn't share as much of his past as she did and she was very understanding about it. She didn't press him to reveal anything, that he was not comfortable with. That was one of many reasons, why he found her so wonderful. They could talk for hours and they separated only because they were aware, that they need to catch at least few hours of sleep, when the new day will arrive, with all it's challenges and new problems.

Elsie's amazing conversation skills, were not the only thing that Charles admired about her. She was an exceptional human being, in every meaning of that word. Whenever there was a difficult problem to solve among the Downton staff and Charles found it hard to handle it on his own, he discreetly asked her help and she always managed to find the right solution, which pleased everyone.

What was even more stunning, was that she never took a credit for what she invented-on the contrary, she let Charles present this solution to the staff, as his own, making him the wise one in the eyes of their co-workers.
Elsie has managed to find herself in every situation. She knew how to deal with the maids, she was able to talk to the family with respect, she was kind, gracious and friendly, but she could also be harsh, whenever there was some pushy admirer of her person in the village, who tried to persuade her, to give him a chance.

Charles was so anxious in those situations. His biggest fear was, that one day she will meet a man, who will offer her a life which will be more enticing for her than her work in Downton and then she will leave the place forever, breaking his heart.
After few years of her presence in the house has passed, he no longer had any doubts about his feelings for her, he was in love with her. Totally and uncontrollably in love with her...She was so special, so dear to his heart.

He was once in love with Alice, but now, being older and wiser, he knew, that that feeling was nothing compared with what he felt for Elsie...After all he went through with women in his life, who refused to give him love, he was very cautious with his feelings, but he couldn't not notice, how differently Elsie treated him, compared to Alice, or even his own mother...
When they became equals in the house and entered a different level of their relationship, he saw how incredibly caring she was towards him. It wasn't an exaggeration to say, that she was looking after him, as nobody ever did.

He loved to be pampered by her, because it has never happened to him before. He loved the fact, that she knew exactly how many tea spoons of sugar he was using for his coffee and how many to his tea. With all her own duties that she had, she made sure daily, that he he received his drinks on time, she was watching the cook, to give him the kind of snacks to his afternoon tea, that were his favorite.
She regularly was mending his shirts, sewing the buttons, or getting ride of the holes on his jackets, even though it wasn't really her duty to do that. She was doing all those things, because she wanted to do them, because she truly cared.

She was scolding the footmen, who behaved improperly, interfering with his time of rest during the day. Charles was really touched, when he saw her endless efforts, containing of all those little details, that put together in whole, made his hard life so much more pleasurable.
It didn't came unnoticed to him also, that she definitely was taking care of him much than she did about herself, because there wasn't a selfish bone in her body, or much that she took care about others in the house.

He would love to know her motives, because in spite of all those things, he still had difficulties to believe, that any woman can love him, for just himself, not because of his looks, his professional position...Or anything else..The deep emotional scars, that his mother and Alice Neal caused, were still hiding deep inside his soul, not letting him think about himself, other than a pathetic man, who cannot count on being someone's object of affection...

Elsie was very discreet about her own emotions and she kept it to herself, but he would love to know her feelings...He would love to know if all those shy blushes from the beginning of their relationship, or all those deep looks in his eyes, with an expression that he still wasn't able to read properly, meant something more...
During all those years, there were a lot of moments in Charles's life, when he was very close to confessing his true feelings to her...When he wanted to break all the rules, of his job and of his life and simply asked her to marry him...

During Sunday's church services, he was watching happy families of fathers, mothers and their children and his heart was clenching, as he was aware, that this was something that he was dreaming about.. He wanted to marry, to have a wife, a good, loving wife, who would spend her life loving him and taking care of his needs, just like Elsie did now, while he would make sure, that she was well protected...He wanted children with her-boys, who would carry on his family name and girls, who would be his beloved daughters to adore and spoilt...

He couldn't even count, how many times he was close to ask her, how he had all speech figured out, which would easily convince her, that marrying him was the best decision that she could take... He was going to sleep at night, having a plan how to do all this and then, he was waking up next morning and he chicken out and delayed it further.

He asked himself many times, what was the thing that scared him so much in all this? The answer to that question was complexed...He valued his professional position so much, he respected himself, for getting to the place in which he was in and he knew, that even though Lord Grantham was much more tolerant employer, than many others from his sphere, asking him for a permission to have his own family, which would also mean taking away his housekeeper, would be too much of a stretch for His Lordship tolerance...

There was another reason-even more important. He was still afraid, he was petrified about opening his heart to a woman once again...When he tried to reason with himself, why he should delay his proposal further, his mind showed him, the most humiliating moments from the past- when he was looking for a signs of love and appreciation in his mother and he never received them and later memories, when he had a whole future planned with Alice, who was simply playing with his emotions...

Charles loved Elsie tremendously and he was sure, that she was the most important woman in his life, his heart was breaking, for the very thought of losing her, but at the same time, he was too afraid to go through the same nightmare again...He would not be able to stand her rejection, it would broke him completely...And so the time was passing, years went by and he was still thorn between his enormous love for Elsie and his fear of being humiliated and ridiculed once more...

Chapter Text

Charles Carson and Elsie Hughes-part 3

He finally did it. After years of waiting, holding back, being terrified of her answer, struggling with all those hidden complexes and fears, which were buried in the bottom of his soul, he proposed. Of course he would not be himself, if he didn't do it in a tortuous way.
So he started from offering her a business venture, wanting to know, if she wants to tie up his future with him. When he saw, that she was very willing to do that, it gave him great kick and a lot of courage and he decided to take action immediately, before she will change her mind.

He was searching for houses, which they were visiting together, he was presenting a developed plans of running B&B, he was overly excited about this whole thing. He didn't quite thought it through, how to incorporate proposal to all this, but he was hoping, that it will come naturally, maybe a little later...

However Elsie's sudden confession of the truth to him, which was that she was a pauper, who couldn't afford to buy property, has forced a change of plans for him. Now, it was no longer possible for him to do, what he initially wanted to do.
When she apologized to him, for not confessing the truth earlier and she decisively said, that they simply cannot start their business trip together, he was determined to reorganize the plan, which he earlier had.

Now there was no turning back, either he will risk everything and finally reveal the real reason for wanting to be with her, or he will live the rest of his life wondering, how would it look like if he had asked her earlier...
And this way, he has done something bold, a thing that he would never consider before. He used his carefully kept life savings and bought the house, registering it for both of their names. It was risky, very risky, because if she would not be interested in being with him, that could end in a complete fiasco. But once in his life he decided to take that risque, he has done something similar, when he left his family home to act on stage and later, when he left his stage buddy to start a career in service.

Now it was a different kind of risk. Now it was all about his personal life. All or nothing. There was no turning back and he waited till Christmas Eve, to reveal his plans to her. He felt shaky and uncertain, when he asked her for a moment of a quiet conversation in his pantry. She offered him a glass of punch, but he declined, knowing, that he has to be sober, when he will ask the most important question in his life.

He told her, that he bought the house and registered it in both their names. She was astound, she said that she can't accept it. He asked why, she explained-she didn't want him to be stuck with her, in case if their life was about to change totally. And then the crucial moment came-he told her, that he do wants to be stuck with her, she was confused, she wasn't sure if he meant what he meant...So he explained and told her, that he wants to marry her.

The astonishment on her face was enormous. He understood, that this was probably the last thing that she expected. He told her, that she can have as long as she likes, to consider her answer and added, that he will not marry anyone else, which was true. He didn't want to marry anyone else. It was her, only her. Elsie, ever since the day she came here. He was certain...

She told him, that they should toast and now he was confused, he asked her what exactly are they celebrating...A minute ago, he told her that he was willing to wait for her answer, but he really wanted to know now, to be sure, that she is ready to marry him, to tie his life with him forever...

Finally, she said those words- the way she put it, almost made him laugh...
”Of course I will marry you, you old booby. I thought you'd never ask..”

He wasn't expecting to be called that way, but it didn't matter...She wanted to marry him, to became Mrs Carson, his wife...For the first time, he felt like he was about to loose his usual stiffness and cry...Tears were gathering in his eyes, but he was not embarrassed...After years of being humiliated and laughed by the women in his life, he was finally accepted and loved back, by the woman who meant everything to him...When she put her hand on his forearm, he was so calm and so incredibly happy...

When they came back upstairs, to rejoin the others for happy caroling, he was looking at her differently. She was no longer just Mrs Hughes, the housekeeper. She was now his fiancee, his future wife...Pride and joy were radiating from him, but he had to regain his composure, so the others would not guess, what has happened tonight...Christmas Eve was not the right moment to tell such important news to the others, they both decided, that they will do it after Christmas...

Unfortunately, Charles's joy was not lasting long...Few weeks have passed and he noticed a change in Elsie, she was no longer eager to talk about their future together, no longer involved in their blossoming relationship, she even started to avoid him and postpone all the discussions about the possible date for the wedding.

He felt confused and really unsteadily...His heart was aching, for the possibility, that he didn't even want to think about...Did Elsie change her mind? Did she just agree, as she felt obligated because of the fact that he bought a house? Did she love him? All those fears and complexes, which he just managed to pushed in the back of his mind, started to get to him again and he was really upset about all this...

As if it wasn't enough, all of the sudden Mrs Patmore asked him for a conversation and she was eager to find out, about the future arrangements in their marriage, she was asking strange things, which didn't have any sense to him and he was wondering, why did she behave that way...

After a careful consideration, he started to think, that Elsie's hesitation to talk about the wedding and their future life, plus weird behavior from Mrs Patmore, could only mean one thing- that Elsie was actually planning to withdraw from their engagment and she asked her dear friend, to do the most difficult part for her, hoping, that he will figure it out on his own...

He was tormented by all this and he didn't know what to do...After a second conversation with Mrs Patmore, when he found out, what was the real reason of her hesitation, he felt relieved...She didn't want to back down, she just wanted to know, what kind of marriage they will have...It was a justified question.

Charles knew, that many servants were getting married with each other in older age, just to have a companion and share the costs of life, but that was not at all what he wanted for him and Elsie. He wanted all of her, he wanted to have her heart, but also her body. He was so certain about it, as he was about the question of marrying her. Although he was late middle age and had absolutely no experience in that area, he wanted to gain that experience.

Elsie was like a miracle in his life and he was more than anxious, to getting to know all of her..Intimately...He was ashamed to admit, how much he wanted this, but he managed to find a really good choice of words, to tell Mrs Patmore, what he was expecting from his future marriage.

The choice of words that made Mrs Patmore touched because of what he said...As simple as it was, he said, that he loved her and he was tickled with pride, that she agreed to be his wife and he wanted closeness with her. Total closeness...He wanted them to share everything...And that was exactly what he asked Mrs Patmore to tell Elsie, hoping, that it will not scare her...

Once again, just as in that moment, when he was waiting for her answer, he was now waiting to know, if she will accept the arrangement...All his life he thought, that maybe his looks was a reason why no woman wanted to give him love. He considered himself unattractive and clumsy, even though it was far from the truth and now he was curious, if she will want to share not only her life, but her bed with him and not only to sleep in it...

Once they finally got to the crucial conversation, he acted rather aloof, trying to avoid being hurt once more, if she was to refuse his vision of marriage. He even said, that he understands, that she may changed her mind and that he will make sure, that the servants will not make a big deal of it...His heart was pounding like crazy in his chest, when he was awaiting her final decision...

And then it happened...Her face was coy, but her eyes were burning with love for him and there was a doze of certainty in her voice, when she announced, that if he wants her, he can have her...
Once again he felt relieved....He was afraid, that he was not appealing enough for her and it turned out, that she had exactly the same fears...She was afraid, that her late middle age body, would not be desirable for him....She could not have been more wrong....He wanted her so much, like he never wanted anyone in his life....

When she finally confessed, that she agrees for a “full marriage”, he could no longer stop himself and he kissed her....Shy, first kiss, which made him and her tremble...Partly because they loved each other so much, partly because they both wanted it for such a long time...
Sadness, uncertainty and doubts, were all behind them....Now the best part was about to come...Their future life together with all of it's difficulties, but also with all of it's delights, which they never had a chance to experience before...

Chapter Text

Charles Carson and Elsie Hughes-part 4

Few months has passed since they got married and Charles was still not able to believe, how much his life has changed. It was almost as if he has lived two different lives. One, when he was emotionally scared, unloved man, being mocked by all the women in his life and the other life, which he had now with Elsie-when he was receiving so much love, that he could never imagine...

He was asking himself constantly, why was he such a fool for so long and postponed the greatest thing that he could do in his life-marrying Elsie...He could have had all this much earlier and instead, he was living in fear, that he will be rejected again.
It was not that everything was perfect now. Both he and Elsie, have been living as single people for such a long time, that it took some adjustments to get used to their new way of life. Of course it helped a lot, that they have been living under the same roof so many years and were aware of the most of their habits.

Still it was a little different to live under the same roof, but in separate rooms, from living together in the same cottage and sharing everything. The kitchen, the bathroom, the dinner table and the bed...
Charles really tried hard to prove, that the words he said to Mrs Patmore, were not cliché and he wanted to show, mostly to Elsie, that he was not too old to be in the marriage.

He was fully aware of his flaws, he knew that he was grumpy and demanding and he tried his best to minimize those things.
It seemed to go much more easier for Elsie, who was so tolerant and so open to all the new challenges. Charles was observing the way she handled all those new things and he envied her, that she took it much better than he did.

It was weird for him, to suddenly live in a place different than Downton. He spend so many years at the Abbey, that in the beginning, it seemed pretty unnatural for him to live somewhere else. Till now, all the daily duties like laundry, cleaning and making meals, were not something that he had to take care of, but now, when they had their own cottage, those were all the extra things, that they had to think about.

Charles was definitely old fashioned, so he believed, that most of the house work should be done by a woman, but he was so happy and grateful to his lucky stars, when he married Elsie, that he was trying to help her any way he could.
She noticed it and fully appreciated his support. However she gently explained to him, that because he doesn't have much experience in these things, it will be better, if she will take care of most of it and she will only ask him for help when it's needed.

Charles gladly accepted the arrangement. Elsie was so hard working. He knew that already, after all the years spent in service with her, but to his amazement, it was the same in their cottage. She was able to change their home into a cozy place, to which they were joyfully coming back each night and with a minimum effort.

Naturally, that was only Charles's point of view, in reality it required a lot of work, but Elsie was not complaining.
There was one thing, that he certainly didn't want to participate in and it was cooking. In the beginning of their marriage, he was impatiently waiting for the prospect of mutual meals, which they will eat away from the Abbey, just the two of them, but he was swiftly disappointed, learning that Elsie's cooking skills were far from his imaginings and the dream about having delicious, home meals, just like the ones his mother made when he was little, will not be something that he can expect.

He was a little grumpy about that fact, but when he realized, that he much more prefers to have love from his wife, than good food, he stopped worrying about that.

Elsie gave him all of her heart. For the first time in his life he felt truly loved. Unconditionally. He was used to Elsie taking care of him, when they were working together, so some things were simply natural, but it was better than before, because now, she could do it, showing him all the deepness of her love. When she was doing all those little things for him, which she always did, he felt, that marrying her was the best thing that he could do.

Apart from taking care of him, there was so much more, as she was looking with the look of love for him, even when she was joking from him, he knew, that it was never spiteful or malicious. Elsie loved him tremendously and that was the first thought, that was entering his mind when he woke up every morning.

At the Abbey, they remained Carson and Mrs Hughes- their relations were still official, like before, because that was their workplace, but when they were coming back to the cottage, nothing could stop them from showing each other as much love as they could.
Charles was curious, how will Elsie behave in that sphere, once they will be married and he wasn't disappointed. With every gesture she made, she was showing him how much she loved him. And he welcomed all of her gestures with appreciation. All those kisses, all those delicate touches, all the sofa cuddling in the evenings.

In a very short time, they both felt so casually and all the love gestures seemed so natural, that it was difficult to believe, that they were not married for many years now. Charles was craving those moments.
He was waiting all day long, for seeing Elsie's love signs...He was closing his eyes, when she gave him sweet kisses on his temples, he was grinning from joy, when she was kissing the tip of his nose, he was smiling widely, when she was tousling his hair, joking, that she prefers his hair unruly...

He was sighing deeply, when she was wrapping her arms around him, letting him put his head on her chest, while she was stroking his hair...
Little, unloved Charles, rejected by his own mother and young, shy, in love, ridiculed by Alice Charles, were now both rewarded for the lack of love, that he so often experienced...He did not tell Elsie about those moments, not yet...They were confessing a lot of things to each other, but not this...

Even though he trusted Elsie with all his heart, he was still not ready to confess, what kind of awful past he was hiding...He was a little embarrassed about it, but he was hoping, that with time, he will be able to reveal his past misfortunes...
For now, he was focusing totally on the love that he was receiving and on the love that he was giving to her and that was undoubtedly the best part of their marriage..They started it, being completely unexperienced in that area and unsure about the intimate part of their relationship, but to Charles's wonderment, that part of marriage was as amazing, as he was hoping it to be.

During their first night together, he was astound, by how quickly Elsie has opened to their mutual closeness, it was not that he found her too wanton, not at all..On the contrary- he was pleased, that as much as she was opened about new things in the world and life, she also transferred it to their marital bed...

The eagerness, with which she was giving back his kisses and his caresses, never ceased to amaze him... He wasn't experienced, so if he was with the experienced woman, he might be afraid of a humiliation, but Elsie also didn't have any experience and yet her love for him was so strong, that she followed her instincts and she let them both sink completely in the world of a carnal pleasures...
It was simply amazing for him, that two people in their age, who knew each other so well, were able to rediscover themselves, by the intimate side of their relationship.

He didn't know, how those relations will look like, but now, he was congratulating himself, for wanting a full marriage and he was sure, that Elsie was not regretting this decision too...They loved being together that way. In the beginning, he felt a little ashamed, that that he was so insatiable when it came to the question of making love to her.

He was wondering, if he will not frightened her, with his constant need of kissing, touching and loving her, but to his joy, she seemed to have the exact kind of feelings as him... She wanted this as much as he did and it made him happy and proud....

All those nonsenses, that used to exist in his head before, about not being attractive enough for any woman, were all gone now, as the woman who meant everything to him, had no inhibitions, to show him how much she was willing to be with him intimately...On every occassion they had...

Their new found closeness, their naked bodies tangled in the sheets, sweet words of love whispered into their ears, it all seemed like magic to him and if it would be possible, he would never want to leave their bed....
It was like he was finally rewarded, for the lack of love with which he had to live for the most part of his life. Now he could say, that the universe has given him back all the wasted years...

Chapter Text

Charles Carson and Elsie Hughes-part 5

Even though things were great in their marriage and they couldn't be more happy than they were, Charles never gathered the courage, to tell Elsie about his harsh life experiences. There was never a chance for that, or enough time. He started to think, that perhaps they will never have a chance of talking about it, but faith decided otherwise..

It happened unexpectedly and it could be described, as one thing leading to the other...They were just celebrating six months of their marriage. Charles took Elsie to the local pub, to have a dinner and later they were slowly walking back to the cottage, enjoying the stillness of the night.

As they arrived back to the cottage, their mood was rather playful and Charles had to admit to himself, that this had to be the most enjoyable night ever...
When Elsie came back from the bathroom, wearing her beautiful, silk night gown and she wanted to plait her hair, he asked her shyly, if he could brush it and she agreed, blushing in that cute way, that he adored so much.

He asked Elsie to sit on their bed and took care of her hair gently, brushing it and running his fingers through it...He loved Elsie's hair...So thick, shiny, with a tendency to curl...He swiftly went from brushing, to giving her a gentle head massage, which gave her shivers and made her close her eyes and do those quiet, little moans, that always sparked passion in him...

Now he was more than sure, that this was just an introduction to another night full of love and he wasn't mistaken...On this particular night, he outdid himself, giving Elsie as much pleasure as he could possibly give her...
The way he kissed, touched and caressed her that night, was exceeding all her expectations and their love act was exquisite that night, ending with Elsie climaxing few times, rather intensely..

There wasn't anything more beautiful for Charles, than to see her in that state...He wanted this to never end...Being in the throes of deep passion, Elsie suddenly said the most meaningful words, that truly touched his soul....While she was having another one of her delightful climaxes, she whispered to him:

“I love you Charles...So very much....I have always loved you...”

They finished their love making, lying calmly in each other arms and Charles was still not able to forget, what he just heard from Elsie few moments ago...This was more than he has ever expected to hear.
He knew that she loved him, but he wasn't aware for how long...Now, she accidentally revealed, that it was much longer than he expected...However he wanted to be sure, that he heard right, so he decided to develop this topic further...

“Elsie....My love, I wanted to ask you something if I may...”

“What is it Charlie? Was there something wrong when we were?...”

“No! It was perfect, as always...Even more than perfect...I was just curious about the thing that you said...”

“About what thing?”

“That you....That you love me and you always have...Was that the truth Elsie?”

“You don't believe that I love you Charles?”

“Of course I do....But I was wondering for how long have you known that you loved me?”

“Always Charlie...Since the very first moment that I saw you...”

“Oh, I see...That is so...So....”

Charles was trying very hard to stay calm, but the revelation that he just heard a moment ago, made him feel so emotional, that he just couldn't stop his tears...Elsie was very surprised about his behavior... She was wondering what might caused that...

“Charlie? Did I say something wrong? Because you are crying and I don't know why....Did I hurt you in any way with my words?”

“No Elsie, you could never hurt me...It was rather me who was being harsh and hurtful towards you, through all the years of us working together...It's just that it was so good to hear that you loved me for so long...I never expected it...”

“Charles...I'm surprised that you are finding this so hard to believe...You are such a wonderful man... Handsome, kind, charming...I'm sure that there were a few women before me in your life, who loved you...Starting from your mother and Alice, you mentioned Alice...And probably you had quite a large group of fans in London...Women must have been crazy about such lovely man...Am I right?”

“Oh Els...I do love you...You are the only one in my life, who ever spoke to me that way...Nobody else would think that I...Elsie...There is something that I've been meaning to tell you before, some very dark secrets from my life, that I wanted to share with you, but there was never a good moment to tell you those things and I would like to do it now...Do you want to listen?”

“Of course Charlie...I'm always interested in everything about you...And you have not been exactly very talkative about your past...”

“Well Els...Yo told me, that I have been loved by many women in my life before...Being convienced that it was truth, while it wasn't...Let me tell you my story...”

Charles began to tell the story....He was really emotional, his voice was breaking from time to time, tears were appearing in his eyes, during the most difficult moments of his story and Elsie was listening carefully, to what he had to say...
She was never more shocked in her life, than now, when she discovered, how many bad memories Charles had with women in his life...Starting from his mother, who has never given him any love, constantly letting him know that he was not worthy of her love...

Through Alice, who only confirmed him in this belief...Charles was talking and Elsie felt, like she has never loved him more than in this moment....When he finished his story, she was holding him close, kissing different parts of his face gently and whispering soothing words lof love...

“Charles, my darling...I would never guess what you had to go through...My love, this must have been awful for you...Why have you not mentioned it before?”

“I didn't want to appear ridiculous in your eyes Elsie...I suspected, that you were thinking of me as a man of the world, who has female friends in London and couple love affairs behind me and I think, that I wanted to maintain this image of myself in your eyes...While the truth was so different...”

“You are right Charles...That's exactly what I was thinking...I was dying from jealousy, everytime you went to do the season with the family, thinking that you were in the arms of other women, who were not me...”

“And I was thinking about you then and missing you tremendously...”

“Charles, my sweetheart...I'm so sorry that you had to go through this...Nobody should be treated that way by your own mother...She had no heart...How could she not love such sweet, cute, little boy, that you certainly were back then? And as for Alice, she was a fool and she rejected true happiness... She paid a hard price for that, but it serves her right...”

“Thank you Elsie...I knew that you will understand...I....I met you then and I was in love with you too, from the very beginning...I was just scared, that you will do the same, as all the other women in my life..”

“Charlie, was that the reason you were delaying your proposal for so long?”

“Yes, I thought that you will refuse and possibly laugh at me...That was what I was used to with other women...”

“I would never do that...You really haven't noticed how much I loved you all these years? How I was taking care of you?”

“Of course that I noticed, but I thought, that you were just kind, because this is your nature...You are sweet and kind to everyone...I wasn't sure if that was a sign of love for me...”

“It certainly was Charles...I loved you all those years and thank you for confiding in me....Now I understand some things better than before...Was that also the reason why you were sometimes so cold and harsh towards me?”

“Yes Elsie and I will never be able to apologize for that enough...I hurt you, because I was so scared of my own feelings to you and I was even more terrified, thinking that you do not share those feelings...I acted cold and aloof, to hide how much I was hurt in the past and now this is the first time in my life, that I'm feeling safe enough, to bear not only my body, but also my soul, in front of you...”

“In that case, I'm honored, that I am the woman who had that privilege of being the most important one... Charles, you are the love of my life...I can't change your past and make all those terrible experiences go away, but you have to forget the idea, that you were never loved by anyone...Because starting from the day, when we first met, I have been giving you all my love and that's how it always will be, till the rest of our lives...”

“Elsie, I have indeed went through a nightmare, but if you were my reward, for all those bad things that had to happen in my life, I would willingly go through it again, just to get you at the end...”

“Charles...Forget those awful things that happened to you before and wake up everyday, knowing that you are my whole world and that I love you so much, that it should be enough for all the women who were to stupid to appreciate you...”

“That thought keeps me alive Elsie...I love you...

“And I love you, my sweetest and cuddliest teddy bear....You are wonderful and one of the kind, don't you ever forget that...”

Many hugs and kisses later, Elsie and Charles finally fell asleep that night. For the very first time, Charles finally felt like an enormous weight was taken off his heart....