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Part 1 of there are worse things than this
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TDH 9-1-1
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Published:
2023-03-01
Completed:
2023-03-03
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3,512
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2/2
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there are worse things than this

Summary:

They've been sharing a bed most nights now, and Eddie wakes one morning to find Buck sucking his thumb.

Buck is mortified, and Eddie is comforting, and they talk and even laugh a bit.

In the grand scheme of things, there are worse things someone could do to cope.

Notes:

and another one! apparently I'm going through a writing spree 😊

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Waking up before Buck wasn't an oddity. Usually, the man slept like the dead and would ignore even the most persistent alarms and attempts to wake him, but what did stick out as odd this morning was how Eddie had found him sleeping.

They'd been sharing a bed most nights now, though Buck had yet to give up his lease—probably his insecurities and abandonment issues at play, even if he didn't come out and say it.

And with the relationships Buck had had, the people who'd bailed, it made sense that he'd want a place to fall back, just in case.

But, seeing him sleeping on his side, facing him, the slanted light coming through the shade lining his face, with his thumb still wet from his mouth, hanging from his lip—well, he hadn't expected that at all.

Initially, it had been surprising, a bit of a shock—maybe even weird, though he didn't like that word—but the more he watched Buck sleep, then slip it back into his mouth and suck, he realized that it actually made some sense. As much as something like seeing a grown man sucking their thumb could.

The shift they'd had yesterday had been rough—hard on everyone—the type that made the alcoholics pick up the bottle and the sex addicts take home anyone willing to help them forget.

So perhaps, since he'd stopped sleeping around and didn't ever reach out much in other ways, this was just something he did to self-soothe. Maybe he didn't even realize he did it.

But damn, if it didn't drive home how young he really looked—or was in so many ways. Not saying Eddie was his elder, exactly. But he'd been through some things, but then again, so had Buck, though the blond had retained a sort of innocence that he felt he'd lost himself.

Seeing him like this tugged at his heart and made Eddie want to protect him from the world. Because the universe hadn't always been that kind to Buck, and it wasn't fair—because the kid would do anything to save someone or make a difference, even if he fucked things up along the way—but didn't they all?

He debated if he should just slip out of bed or turn over, giving Buck a chance at waking up without being caught. But he didn't get the opportunity, as before he knew it, Buck's eyes blinked open, softening as they saw Eddie, then turning to pure horror as he yanked his thumb from his mouth.

Eddie moved to reassure him, catching his wrist and keeping him from bolting. Because if Buck got away now, he'd hide at his loft for days.

"Whoa, hey, everything’s fine. It's no big deal, really."

The disgusted twist to Buck's face, the pure mortified expression, said plenty about his belief in that. "Don't—don't try to pretend or say that was normal, okay? Jesus, fuck!"

And Buck tried to yank his wrist free, but Eddie doubled down, rolling and half-pinning him, ducking his head left and right, trying to get the idiot to look at him.

"Would you fucking stop—just for a second? You don't need to run away, alright? So what, you sucked your thumb—whatever—out of the shit you could be doing, that's nothing."

"Eddie, let me up," he ground out through his teeth.

He just sighed, resting his forehead against his. "You're a stubborn shit, you know that? I get it, you're embarrassed, but seriously, I've licked your fucking asshole. So this really isn't anything that weird. Like I don't care—so just fucking chill."

After a few heavy breaths, some tension drained from Buck. "I didn’t mean to do it—it just happens."

"You don't have to explain."

Buck scoffed. "Well, sorry that I feel like I should—since, you know, you just caught me acting like a toddler."

He groaned. "You're making this a big deal when it's not."

"Maybe because I hate that it happens—did you think of that? And it's fucking embarrassing, even if you have licked my asshole—like that's the same at all."

"You don't need to be embarrassed around me, you know that."

Buck breathed for a moment, seeming to collect his thoughts. "It's just when shit is stressful, like yesterday—fuck, like all week—and then, I don't know, it just happens. Usually when I'm sleeping, but, um, yeah, I've done it other times."

Eddie considered his words, not wanting to make him more insecure about this, as it was clear he had issues with doing it.

"Look, if it helps you cope, then I don’t see the harm." Then he rolled off him, adding, "Do you want to talk about it?"

He glanced over, seeing Buck shake his head.

"Not really—I'm sure it’s just some weird mommy or daddy thing going on, I don't know—not getting comforted growing up.” Buck exhaled sharply, sounding frustrated. “It is what it is, man." Then he paused. "But, um, I can avoid doing it around you, if that helps. It was easier living alone. Because you can say it's fine all you like, but I know it's weird."

The last thing he wanted was for Buck to feel like he needed to hide part of himself, especially something as harmless as this. He understood not wanting to shout it from the rooftops or bring it up at dinner, but in the safety of their bedroom, if Buck needed this little comfort, then he absolutely wanted him to have it.

He rolled back over, half-climbing onto Buck, then kissing his nose. "You can be so stupid sometimes, you know that? Because whether it's weird or not, if it helps you deal with all the shit in our lives, then I fully support it." Then he smiled, wrinkling his nose. "Besides, you looked pretty damned cute."

Buck's mouth twisted into a doubtful smile as he squinted at him. "You really mean that, don't you?"

His eyebrows pulled together, and he huffed. "Of course, you're everything to me, dumbass. So in case you need to hear it again, I love you."

Then some of the stress melted from Buck's face, and he tugged Eddie into a kiss, whispering against his lips, "Love you, too, stupid."

Chapter 2: pacify this

Summary:

Eddie does a little research, discovering orthodontic adult pacifiers, and is terrible at presenting the idea to Buck, who takes the pacifier Eddie had tossed at him as a dig about his thumb-sucking and gets both hurt and offended.

After not talking for days, they do talk, and Buck explains he's not into being any weirder than thumb-sucking makes him, so they forget it and move on--Of course, until that changes when Eddie walks in on him using the very same pacifier he'd assumed Buck had thrown away.

Notes:

I wrote this tonight for a lovely commenter, and when I ran it by my partner in word crimes, she'd been stoked about it, so this is for her, too!

Chapter Text

Ever since he'd caught Buck sucking his thumb, something had been niggling at the back of his mind, something he'd remembered from a pamphlet when they'd been expecting Christopher—and he vaguely recalled his mother mentioning the same thing once or twice.

That thing being that thumb-sucking could be bad for your teeth and jaw, screwing up the alignment, and it had him worrying about Buck's habit and questioning the safety, though he didn't know enough to suggest any alternatives—at least yet.

So he'd started doing a little searching, just here and there—which eventually led to the present, where he sat alone in the darkened living room, Christopher asleep, and Buck at his loft for a change, as he raised his brows, eyes widening at the website he'd found—one that specialized in adult pacifiers.

At first, he'd thought it had to be some joke—because really? But then, reading over the page, he'd found articles linked to reputable sources, citing things like reduced anxiety, improved sleep, and even minimized snoring.

Huh, he thought, poking around the site, falling down a rabbit hole, and soon having multiple tabs open, confirming the information, just to be sure, and realizing that this might just be something that could help Buck soothe himself—without the potentially damaging effects of using his thumb.

And from what he'd discovered, there were adult orthodontic pacifiers meant explicitly for anxiety and sleep that came in the size he assumed would be large enough for Buck.

However, his eyes did go wide at the cost, not that he'd ever let that stop him, not when it came to Buck or purchasing anything that someone he loved needed.

But nearly fifty dollars for a pacifier seemed a bit much, though what did he know? It wasn't like he'd been all that present during Christopher's baby years, so he may be out of touch.

Not giving it another thought, he tossed one in the cart, then added another similar type, but the mouthpiece sat flatter, just in case Buck had a preference. Then proud of himself for being a problem solver, he closed the tab and finished some things before heading to bed.

With any luck, they would arrive by the end of the week.

Work hadn't been too bad, all things considered, but he had been thrilled for the weekend and their three days off together to finally arrive.

And making it even better, Saturday morning, he'd received the small padded envelope, squishing around the two small lumps and grinning immediately.

He opened it in the kitchen, away from Buck and Christopher's prying eyes, tossing the packaging and looking over the two pacifiers, which weren't much bigger than he'd imagined.

Overall, they were cute. He'd bought one in red and one in blue. Each in their own case. Which they should for the price, he thought.

So tucking one away in the cabinet, inside a jar, where he kept some emergency funds, he put the other small case in his pocket, then went to the living room to see what Christopher and Buck were watching.

Using the grill for a change had been nice, but they'd still managed to make a mess, so now that Christopher had gone to his room to chill, Eddie and Buck had begun cleaning up.

Remind him not to burn barbeque sauce onto anything ever again.

Beside him, Buck leaned against the counter, sipping a beer, then glancing into the sink. "I can take over if you want."

He shrugged, rinsing the spatula for the fourth time, ready to throw it away. "It's fine—most of this just needs to soak, I think, so we can go catch the end of the game if you want," he said, sinking the sticky utensils into a pot of soapy water, then drying his hands and grabbing his beer.

"Eh, I've given up on any of my teams making it this year, but if you want to binge something, I'm here for it."

The sip from the bottle he took wasn't as satisfying as it could have been, too warm, but he wouldn't waste it. So nudging Buck with his elbow, he nodded to the living room. "Come on, let's see what's on."

Once they'd settled on the couch, Buck was already turning into his octopus self—like he always did when tired—and then Eddie felt the hard case in his pocket digging into his leg, reminding him of his purchase.

So without thinking it through, which he should have, he moved Buck off him enough to wriggle his fingers into his pocket and grab the case with the pacifier.

He tossed it to a bleary-eyed Buck, who had apparently been closer to sleep than he'd thought, hitting him in the chest.

The man just scrunched his face. "What'd you just hit me with?" he asked, patting around his lap and feeling in the gap between them, one eye still squinted shut. "If this is how you ask me to marry you."

Eddie snorted. "Give me a little credit—I'd be more romantic than that." Then when Buck found the case, popping it open after a few tries, he explained, "It's a pacifier."

And that was about the moment he realized that communication might not be his strong suit—because suddenly, Buck looked very awake, pacifier clenched in his hand as he rounded on him, spine too straight, shoulders rigid—coiled and ready to strike.

He reached out to touch him and apologize, but Buck yanked back.

"What the fuck? Am I just a joke to you? You what—just thought you'd poke some fun at me because of what you saw?"

His heart lodged in his throat. "Hey, no, no! Buck, it's nothing like that, please, just—"

"Don't. I can't do this right now," Buck said, cutting him off, then getting to his feet, snatching his keys, and heading for the door.

Now on his feet, too, Eddie gave chase. "Don't go—it isn't what you think! It's for your teeth—and snoring!"

But Buck just tossed him this confused and pained, almost incredulous expression before shaking his head and going out the door.

And the sound of it shutting behind him might have been soft to his ears, but it echoed in his heart, knowing that Buck had left with the wrong impression and feeling like Eddie had been making a joke of something so personal to him.

How did he always get himself into these situations? Someday, he'd learn to use his words and remember that not everyone could read his mind.

Buck avoided his calls for the rest of the weekend, and things were tense during work the following week.

"We're not doing this here," Buck said, glancing at Chim, who was eyeing them from the couch, then turning back to him. "Just leave it, okay?"

"I wasn't making fun of you—did you even read my texts?"

Hen plopped beside Chim on the couch, exchanging some whispered words, then not even trying to be subtle anymore as they eavesdropped.

Buck crossed his arms, biceps straining the cuffs of his sleeves. He worked his jaw, eyes averted before glancing at him. "Yeah, well, excuse me for being upset about it."

He sighed, jaw working too as he shook his head. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean anything by it—I was just trying to help, alright?" he said, then tried to catch Buck's gaze again, who eventually gave in, flicking his eyes to him. "Just stop icing me out, and come home tonight—if not for me, then for Christopher."

A tight nod, then Buck ducked his head, "I should go check the gear."

"Love you," Eddie called after him, only to receive a hum in response.

Frustrated and having forgotten Hen and Chim, he scrubbed his hands over his face, just to startle when someone patted his shoulder.

"Sounds like the honeymoon phase is over already," Chim said, hand falling away and walking to the kitchen. "I'm sure it'll be alright, though. You two are too sickly sweet together not to make it work. Honestly, it's disgusting—you two practically leave a sticky residue on everything you touch."

Eddie winced. "Ugh, come on, dude."

Hen chuckled. "Chim, really?"

"What?" Then realization dawned, and he laughed. "Oh shit, yeah, um, not that kind of residue—at least you better not be."

He sighed, shaking his head. "I have no idea if that even went good or bad."

"Eh, not that we were listening, but it didn't seem too bad," she said. "He loves you, Eddie, but it just sounds like he's hurt over something, which I'm guessing is your fault, but he'll come around."

"I hope so."

"He will. Buck is stubborn, sure, so he can hold a grudge, but it also means he can be just as stubborn about how he loves." And she smiled. "And all his love? That's for you, my friend. So make him dinner, apologize again, and I'm sure it'll be alright. If not, I can talk to him, too, if you want."

"Yeah, you're right. Thanks, Hen. I'll keep you updated."

"I'm just a phone call away—anytime."

Buck had shown up a few hours after their shift ended, carrying his duffel, which Eddie took for a good sign. And his hopes for Buck's mood improving seemed to have been granted, as instead of a glare or cold shoulder, he'd ducked his head, one side of his mouth pulling into a hesitant smile before pulling him into a side hug and kissing his shoulder.

And after they ate, he watched Buck and Christopher play a few rounds on his new game, then eventually found themselves alone when Christopher went to bed.

So much like it started, they each sat on the couch, holding beers and using them as an excuse not to talk until Eddie finally cleared his throat.

"Are we okay?" he asked, glancing over, rolling the bottle between his palms.

Buck tilted his head sideways at him, mouth doing this weird duck lip thing, then finally, he said, "You're an idiot—both for the thing you bought and thinking we wouldn't be."

"Well, you've been avoiding me for days, Buck. What did you want me to think?"

A shrug, then he took a sip of his beer. Buck licked his lips. "Sorry for getting so pissed, but I just thought—I don't know. That wasn't fair to you. I got all in my head about it, thinking shit I shouldn't have, so sorry."

"Hey, this isn't on you," he said. "I fucked up. I was so busy trying to help that I didn't even consider how it could be taken, and I'm really sorry for putting you through that—I hate that you didn't stay and let me explain, but I get it."

Buck nodded. "Yeah, I'm over it now, and I really did read the texts, and I get what you were trying to do—and I appreciate it, okay? Just—I don't know. It was weird, and I'm already feeling weird enough, you know? Not sure adding a pacifier would really help things."

"Hey, no—forget it, okay? Let's just pretend I never mentioned it—or threw one at you."

Buck snorted. "That was such an Eddie move, by the way. You really got to learn to use your words, man."

Bobby had sent Buck home, unable to work the rest of his shift with an injured wrist and mild concussion, which meant that he spent the next ten hours worried about him.

And it hadn't just been the physical injuries, but the call had been hard on all of them, especially for Buck, who had risked everything to pull someone out of a fire, only for Hen and Chim to be unable to save them.

So Eddie could only picture Buck alone in his loft, miserable and sucking his thumb. He hoped he'd at least found some food, as they had been interrupted earlier when they went to eat.

Once his shift ended, he called Carla, letting her know that he'd be later than usual and offering to compensate with triple pay if needed, to which she'd just laughed and told him to spend the extra on Christopher and keep her updated instead. He thanked her profusely, then headed to Buck's place, thoroughly planning to drag the man home.

He didn't bother knocking, letting himself in with his key—as they'd swapped them months ago, just in case of emergencies and to make things easier.

The place was pretty dark, except for a warm glow from the kitchen, so he headed that way, smiling at the sight of Buck up and about, apparently cooking and not in a burrito of sadness in bed.

The man had comfortable clothes on, sweats, and a t-shirt, and he turned at Eddie's approach, startling a bit, spatula raised in his wrapped wrist, eyes wide, the red pacifier in his mouth.

Eddie's mouth fell open, half-smiling, almost trying to form some words, even though he had no idea what they would be. Finally, he settled on an inarticulate, "Uh, really?"

Buck scowled, still sucking, before mumbling around it, "Fuck you."

And that had him laughing, head tilted and shaking slightly, thoroughly enjoying this turn of events. "Oh-ho-ho, I believe this is called a plot twist."

"I hate you so much," Buck slurred around it, though his eyes sparkled with the affection he could never hide.

Eddie crossed to him. "Aw, babe, we both know that's bullshit—but I love you, too."

"Whatever," Buck said, then his nose twitched, and he spun, flipping something on the griddle. "Shit, I burned my pancakes." Then he made an unattractive slurping sound around the pacifier. "This is all your fault."

He curled an arm around him, peeking at the pancakes, which were very burnt. "And which part would that be?"

Buck looked at him, the underside of his jaw and throat moving as he sucked, before saying wetly around the pacifier, "The pancakes—and the stupid pacifier. You made me even weirder."

He rolled his eyes. "What did I tell you about weird? Asshole licking, remember? In the grand scheme of things, this ain't nothing."

Buck wrinkled his nose, humming, then pulled the pacifier out with a wet slurp. "Yeah, well, this stays between you and me, but I guess it's not that bad. I mean, I get to have both hands free—important for cooking and things."

"Things?"

Buck just winked. "I don't know—things that could be fun."

"We might need to set a new bar for weird if you keep going down this road."

"I'm up to the challenge."

He laughed. "I have no doubt."

Notes:

I hope you liked the fluffy sweetness! thank you for reading!
@snarkythewoecrow on tumblr

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