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Chapter Text

Kaveh's relationship with Alhaitham had always been a mystery to most people. Some thought Kaveh probably had something over the scribe, that would be the only explanation as to why the famously antisocial scribe let someone like Kaveh in his life. Maybe that isn't too far from the truth. Kaveh did know something no one else knew about him but perhaps there are other reasons to why they’re ‘friends’ despite their weird and dysfunctional relationship.

As soon as Al-Haitham came home he walked to his bedroom, taking off his work clothes, now a bit sweaty and damp, and change into comfortable ones. He gently put his headphones on the night stand, massaging his ears, damp and slightly hurting from the weight. “You’re home?” a voice shouted from outside the bedroom. The gray-haired man didn’t react, he continued to unwind as he walked to the bathroom to freshen up. Splashing some water to his face, sighing from the relief. Kaveh’s figure appeared on the bathroom doorway, tapping the man on his shoulder. He jerked, obviously not having noticed the other man entering.

‘Relax.’ Kaveh signed, feeling slightly guilty for having startled the man. Al-Haitham let out a held breath, relaxing enough to look at the other. Kaveh looked like how he always did when he had spent the entire day at home. His blond hair was up in a messy bun, his hands were covered in ink-a little smudged on his cheek- and wearing his work clothes. The ones he didn’t mind getting ruined. Al-Haitham gathered he was the only one who had the honor of seeing the famous architect like this. For everyone else Kaveh was always well-dressed and dolled up. Al-Haitham didn’t miss the dark circles under his crimson eyes or the slump in his shoulders either.

‘How was work?’ Kaveh signed, making way so the other could step out of the bathroom.“Normal.” He answered, keeping his eyes on the blond man. ‘Good.’ Kaveh signed, his hand immediately moving to the bridge of his nose, pinching it as he shut his eyes. “You’re tired.” Al-Haitham said, quite matter-of-fact-ly. ‘You don’t say.’ Kaveh signed, rolling his eyes as he started walking back to his room. “Dinner?” Al-Haitham asked to which Kaveh only flicked his hands. Guess that meant he can have it alone.

Al-Haitham liked to read on the couch, not because of its comfort but rather because of the view. The couch faced directly towards Kaveh’s room. Since he chose not to put his hearing aids on in home this was the only way he could keep an eye on the other. See what he was up to. Kaveh was making a model, probably of his future work, he was so engrossed not for once did he look back to notice Al-Haitham. It went on for few hours before Al-Haitham deemed it enough. He walked up behind the other, grabbing the other’s collar before dragging him off the floor. He thrashed around and probably protested but he couldn’t hear and chose not to even look at the other’s direction. Kaveh needed sleep, so did he. Kaveh protested for a few minutes before exhaustion finally washed over him and he let Al-Haitham tuck him in the bed like how he sometimes did when he got fed up with Kaveh’s persistence. Of course Kaveh always berated his junior the next day but for now, he gave up.

Al-Haitham woke up with someone shaking him. Kaveh. He managed to open one of his eyelids, noticing Kaveh’s worried look. Visible only with the dim light of his bedside oil lamp. “What?” he asked, not sure if he even managed to make any sounds. ‘Storm’ Kaveh signed, pulling Al-Haitham up to point to the window in his room. Kaveh probably did not know the sign for typhoon. Because that definitely wasn’t just a storm. It was so violent Al-Haitham could feel the house shaking. ‘You should get away from the windows.’ Kaveh signed, already pushing the other out of bed. Al-Haitham didn’t object, he let himself be led to the other’s bedroom. He was too out of it and Kaveh didn’t mind this. Them, sleeping on the same bed.

It wasn’t the first time, even though it certainly had been a while since the last time. Maybe from the last night they had spent together during their student years. Before Kaveh graduated and said this, whatever it was, wasn’t going to work out. Al-Haitham didn’t argue back then, he agreed. Not because he believed it wasn’t going to work, but because he didn’t know how he felt about it. About Kaveh, about whatever they were doing. He was never sure about his feelings, any feelings really but these in particular. But Kaveh was the opposite, he always knew what he wanted, how he felt. So Al-Haitham had chosen to believe him, to accept whatever the other believed blindly. Cause he couldn’t really disprove the other if he wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

Al-Haitham woke up in Kaveh’s bed. Confused and disoriented. It took him a moment to remember what had happened during the night. He looked around, Kaveh was completely out of it. Sleeping on his chest, one of his arms flailing over his pillow, the other conveniently placed on Al-Haitham’s waist. He held his breath, not really sure why. His eyes finally opened enough for him to see the typhoon still raging outside. Silent to his ears but by the way the window in Kaveh’s room shook it definitely wasn’t. His eyes darted back to Kaveh, noticing how his eyes were starting to flutter. His hand on Al-Haitham’s waist clenching slightly before it went up to rub his eyes. His lips moved but there was no way Al-Haitham would be able to catch what he said, not in that position. “What?” Al-Haitham asked, trying to keep his voice low. Kaveh’s eyes finally opened, his brows immediately forming a frown. ‘I said I envy your hearing.’ His hands signed lazily. “I’m sure that’s not true…you couldn’t sleep?” Al-Haitham asked, his voice having somewhat of an amused tone to it. Kaveh shook his head, singing ‘Loud’. “Get some more sleep, I doubt we’ll be going anywhere today.”

The typhoon went on for the rest of the day. Meaning Al-Haitham indeed couldn’t go to work. He sure needed the break. His new position wasn’t too hard, he could manage it but it had its own difficulties. Being a scribe meant he didn’t have to meet people and that meant no communication issues with anyone. But now he had lots of people going in and out of his office, people asking him questions, wanting his orders. It wasn’t impossible but it was tiring how he had to pay so much attention to his surroundings. Trying to decipher whatever noise his hearing aids picked up and then adding lip reading to it made him tire out, he almost always came home with splitting headaches and bloodshot eyes. Kaveh had started to comment on his sudden uptake on painkillers, which he had mostly ignored.

But being at home meant he could unwind; he didn’t have to read any lips as Kaveh signed to him. It was sub-conscience at this point, Al-Haitham was sure the other signed more than he talked these days with how much he didn’t leave the house. That wasn’t how he usually was, Kaveh was outgoing and extroverted. He spent the nights at taverns and days looking around the town for inspiration. But lately he seemed desperate, he had taken another big commission -one Al-Haitham knew quite a lot about- to expand Aaru village. It was the first step to mend the relationship between the forest and the desert. Aaru village was in desperate need of accommodations such as a proper hospital, water and food storage facilities, a school and perhaps an inn down the line. And Kaveh, was in desperate need of a job. Al-Haitham was the one who had recommended him for the job, though Kaveh didn’t know about it. But looking at the architect now, he had started to slightly regret it.

‘Listen to me for a bit, will you?’ Kaveh signed, he looked frantic and little crazed. Al-Haitham raised an eyebrow. ‘You know what I mean, just look. I need to explain this to someone or I will explode.’ Kaveh wasn’t lying. Al-Haitham nodded, putting aside his book to focus on the other. Kaveh started talking, his hands signing rapidly as he explained his plans for the water system. Al-Haitham wasn’t planning on actually paying attention, he knew Kaveh just needed to talk about it and even having a goat in his stead, nodding at everything, would suffice but he actually found his plans quite interesting. Innovating and genius as always. That, with how captivating Kaveh’s hands were. Kaveh signed perfectly, rather too perfectly. Al-Haitham rarely signed, even if he had to, he’d be nowhere as fast or precise as Kaveh. He had lost his hearing in his teen years and learned sign language after he noticed he might need it someday. He poured his attention on keeping his speaking voice clear and control his volume. He couldn’t let others know his weakness. Sign language to him was for others to communicate better with him. For the family he no longer had. Kaveh learning sign language wasn’t in his plan but he wasn’t sure if Kaveh didn’t then who would have done so for him.

---
They were roommates. The academia’s dorm rooms were usually for two and rarely were the roommates from the same Darshan or year. At first Al-Haitham was nervous about the whole thing, he didn’t want someone finding out about his hearing problems but he couldn’t keep his aids on through the day. He thought Kaveh would probably ignore it or he’d think he was being an asshole but the other was surprisingly quite understanding. He figured it out the very first week and he proposed that since they were going to spend years living with each other in the same room, it was only fair for him to learn sign language. Even though Al-Haitham hadn’t asked him to. “For times of emergency” Kaveh had said. But after the older boy had learned the language, there wasn’t really any excuse to not use it. It certainly helped the other as he’d finally be able to relax in his room and not worry about reading lips or picking up noises and trying to figure them out. Giving his ears the rest they needed. And this way Kaveh could make sure his arguments were properly heard. Al-Haitham knew not everyone would be like Kaveh. He had seen his fair share of ableism and how most people would act if they knew but senior Kaveh, from what the 16-year-old Al-Haitham understood, was a kind person. Even though Al-Haitham didn’t know how to answer the other’s kindness.

“You seem tired.” Kaveh said, the minute he had come home. He had caught him just before he had the chance to remove his aids. “Look who’s talking.” He said, hands going for his headphones. “Hey, for me, this is normal. It’s how I always am during projects but you…” Kaveh paused, his hands stopping as well. “You never look actually tired Haitham. So now that you do, it’s concerning.” He finished, waiting for the other’s response. This, this was what drove Al-Haitham up the wall. He didn’t even understand why. All he knew was that when Kaveh sounded like that Al-Haitham lost his grip on his temper. “It’s none of your business Kaveh.” He said, his tone far from friendly or calm. And of course it bothered the other, perhaps already agitated, Al-Haitham’s attitude was enough to set the man off. Like it always did. Absurdly, Kaveh signed even when he was angrily yelling at the other. His hands didn’t catch a break.

“Maybe this is why I’m always so damn exhausted, Kaveh. Have you considered ignoring me? I’m sure you don’t have the luxury to waste your energy on me either.” He said, probably way harsher than intended because he saw something that shouldn’t have been there on Kaveh’s face. He just knew it was bad.

‘Fuck, you’re so damn irritating. Why do I even let myself fall back on these antics? I’m so fucking dumb to even worry about an unfeeling, apathetic bastard like you. You kill all my inspirations and mood, you’re like an anti-art creature…’ Kaveh’s hands kept on going along with his mouth. Al-Haitham had heard all of this before, he knew how Kaveh regretted every decision he’s ever made that has led him to meet Al-Haitham -even though they became roommates by chance- he knew all that. But something was different. Al-Haitham spaced out for a second as he eyed the other’s hand, those boney, long fingers. Calloused from years of constant sketching and building models and helping on sites. How expertly they signed just to tell Al-Haitham what a dick he was in a language Kaveh had learned only for him. Al-Haitham watched, not uttering a single word. Kaveh suddenly stopped, moving towards Al-Haitham. He finally snapped out of it, he waited for the other to continue calling him names but all he got when he looked up were worried eyes.

Damn it, Kaveh never learned. Those kind red eyes, just staring at him. He couldn’t bear it. He never could. That was one of the reasons he let the other go so easily. Because how could he bear the way these eyes looked at him every day? When he knew he’d never be able to answer these emotions the same way? It was like they reminded him he was defective every damn minute. How he could never feel the same as the other. ‘You’re freaking me out.’ Kaveh signed, his hand still on Al-Haitham’s shoulder. “I…I’m fine sorry. You’re right. I’m just tired. People keep coming and going…” His voice trailed off. Why was he telling Kaveh these? “I don’t want dinner…good night Kaveh.” He muttered, walking away immediately, not giving Kaveh a single glance.

“He’s insufferable.” Kaveh complained, as usual while he was drinking with Cyno and Tighnari. His usual drinking buddies when things with Al-Haitham got too unbearable. He complained to others as well, but these two knew everything. Well, not everything. He hadn’t mentioned Al-Haitham’s disability. It wasn’t his secret to tell, even though he thought it shouldn’t be a secret at all. “So you keep saying.” Cyno muttered, keeping his usual stoic face. “What did he do now?” Tighnari asked, maybe a little too concerned. Oftentimes he found Kaveh’s situation worrisome.

“He…I don’t even know. I pointed out he was tired. That was it. He snapped at me and when I got angry, he just…stood there. Spacing out. Then he left…he looked sorry. He actually did. I’m not joking.” Kaveh said, gulping down his wine. Tighnari frowned. “Well…that doesn’t seem too bad just…out of character. Maybe it’s the fatigue?” He asked, looking at the other for confirmation. Cyno shrugged. “It’s possible. His work-load has been heavy but I didn’t think it would tire him out.” Wow, Al-Haitham had them fooled. “Rather than the work, it’s the people that tire him out.” Kaveh paused thinking back at the young Al-Haitham who after long hours of lecture would writhe in pain, sobbing softly as he pushed his head in his pillow. Migraines were his old friend. Of course that only happened at first, Kaveh figured Al-Haitham had learned how to deal with it later on. But the pain could very well still be there, just that Al-Haitham’s skin had gotten tougher. He had learned how to conceal them, maybe to make Kaveh think he was unbreakable. That he didn’t need help. “Anyway, why am I getting worried? Can you guys please stop me from worrying about that asshole? Just slap me every time!” Kaveh said, perhaps a little drunk. Tighnari watched the other with some pity. He’d been there through the worst of it and he was against Kaveh living with Al-Haitham again. He knew what the scribe did to Kaveh. While the other remained oblivious Kaveh was the one going through unpleasant emotions. It was how it always had been. Kaveh had found the strength to walk away from it once and Tighnari wasn’t sure if he’d do the same again. “Can’t you move out already? Won’t the new project’s pay be enough?” He asked, hoping for the other to confirm but instead Kaveh just stared back at him. Not quite processing it. “It would…” he said. Oh dear. Tighnari knew what that meant. It meant he didn’t want to move out. He knew Kaveh’s excuses, that he didn’t mind the stoic scribe, that he was great because he didn’t complain about the midnight noises and that they were so used to living with each other since their student years. So he didn’t ask why. Cause he knew the real answer too well. Kaveh cared about Al-Haitham too much to leave him be.

‘I won’t come back for a few weeks. Try to actually function like a human being Haitham. Clean the house, eat, shop.’ Kaveh had gone into lecture mode and Al-Haitham knew he shouldn’t stop him. ‘I asked the neighbor; she’ll make you dinners three times a week. I told her to leave it at the door, you’ll see it when you come home. Make sure to thank her, okay?’ Kaveh waited for him to nod. ‘Be careful, alright? I don’t want another revolution this time when I’m back.’ “Alright Kaveh, you can go. I won’t die. I have lived alone, you know.” ‘Yeah, remember what your house looked like?’ Kaveh mocked.

He had a point. Al-Haitham’s living situation was dreadful before Kaveh had moved in. Then they were back at their old routine. One Al-Haitham was a little too adjusted to. One he hadn’t realized how accommodating it really was to him during their student years. “Bye Kaveh.” He said instead of anything slightly meaningful and closed the door behind the architect. He was already dreading the few weeks he had to spend alone. He knew it’d be hard. It was always hard. It was hard the year he was about to graduate, the year after Kaveh had graduated. It was hard when he had moved to his own place and the few years he spent there alone. And it was hard now, when Kaveh went away for a few weeks to work on his projects. He never got used to it. Not even when they lasted years. As much as he hated to admit it, he was hopeless without Kaveh. They had a routine and Al-Haitham wasn’t one to be able to change his routines. So he just survived for the time Kaveh wasn’t around.

After a meeting with the Amurta scholars, he found Tighnari waiting for him. He wanted to talk. Al-Haitham wasn’t close to the fennec fox, he wasn’t close to anybody except Kaveh really. Tighnari was Kaveh’s close friend so they had drank together a couple of times. That was the extent of their relationship, however he knew Kaveh had probably told his friend everything about him. Everything except his disability that is. He had made sure Kaveh hadn’t told anyone, it was quite impressive for him to keep a secret for this long. He had such a loose mouth. He didn’t mind Tighnari knowing about their complicated relationship but he found it unfair how the other knew everything about him, when he barely knew the other’s business. “Tighnari, how can I help you?” Al-Haitham asked, pointing the man to his office. His old office, not Azar’s comically huge one. He hated the place with a passion. He much preferred his tiny office, where he could see who came in and went out and could unwind for a few minutes before his endless meetings. Tighnari looked around the room, eyeing the mess, his ears twitching slightly but just as quickly he gave back his attention to Al-Haitham.

“I don’t like beating around the bush so how about we sit down before I talk?” straight to the point as usual, Al-Haitham admired that. He pointed towards the chair in front of his desk before sitting down himself. He eyed the other, waiting for him to start. “Kick Kaveh out of your house.” The man said, looking at Al-Haitham sternly. “What?” He asked, not sure he had heard it right. “Kick him out. Kaveh can make money now so why is he still living with you? Why would he, is a better question I guess.” Al-Haitham paused, gazing at the other, trying not to show any emotions. “He can move out whenever he wants. I’m not sure why I should kick him out like you say.” He said, keeping his calm demeanor. “Oh, come on! We both know he’ll never move out like this.” The fox got heated, jumping up from his chair, looking down at Al-Haitham. “If he doesn’t, then I wouldn’t mind him living in my house.” He reasoned. The fox looked agitated. Al-Haitham was still at a loss as to why. “Let me be super clear here Al-Haitham. I know how you like to twist words.” He paused. “I don’t want Kaveh to spiral back to his student years. When he gave you all you needed for you to not care about it. I don’t want to pick up his pieces for the second time when he finally understands again what an un-caring, un-giving bastard you really are. He already came to that conclusion once and it took him years to get over you. You took advantage of his financial problems to have him back again, caring for you and looking after you. While you’re still the same. And he’ll do it, because that’s just who he is. Stop taking advantage of him. Either let him go or I don’t know, care? I don’t think the latter is possible for you, no offence. So just be decent and let him go. Kick him out, cause he won’t leave you himself.” Tighnari didn’t wait for Al-Haitham to breath before he left. Leaving Al-Haitham stunned and speechless.

Was he really that bad? What a stupid question. Al-Haitham was logical enough to understand relationship should go both ways. Both sides should give and take. Even he could discern how he’d only been taking while Kaveh was only giving. What was Kaveh’s problem for sticking around? When he gained nothing? Was it his kindness? His naïve nature? Or did he define himself by helping others only? That wasn’t the problem though. The problem was Al-Haitham. Could he end it? Did he want to end it? Of course not. But Tighnari was right. This couldn’t go on like this. It’d only get worse. Then Kaveh would get fed up again and leave and Al-Haitham would let him. What was wrong with him? Was he so incapable of feelings? No…that wasn’t right. He felt, he just couldn’t make sense of it. He never understood how others could. They called him a genius but he was stuck trying to figure out things a five-year-old could understand. The thought of Kaveh leaving, it filled him up with so much negative emotions he could keel over and throw up on the spot. But he wouldn’t be able to put a name on the emotion. In his last year, he often found himself like that. What would Kaveh gain if he stayed? Nothing. He’d have to take care of Al-Haitham, his meals, his life. He had to sign everything instead of talking, which couldn’t be easy. It wasn’t his first language after all. He’d have to put up with his attitude. He’d be the one asking how his day was. Al-Haitham never bothered to strike conversation with the other. He’d be the one waking him up in the middle of the night in fear of a window shattering on his head. He’d be the one fixing his aids when they broke. He’d be the one answering the door when a neighbor knocked. Even when he left for a few weeks Kaveh was taking care of him. Making sure he had food. What did Al-Haitham do except let him live in his house rent free. Nothing. He was just a dead weight. Useless alone.

Chapter Text

“I don’t want him gone.” Al-Haitham said, making the fox look at him in disdain and confusion. “I can’t…so tell me. Tell me how can I fix this?” He demanded, maybe he sounded desperate. He wouldn’t know. He couldn’t hear himself over the rain of the Gandharva Ville. “Al-Haitham…did you come all the way here to ask this?” he asked, reluctantly inviting the other in. Handing him a towel to dry himself. “You want to fix it? Your relationship with Kaveh? Is it because you need him to stay so he’d care for you or do you actually care?” “I…” Al-Haitham paused. He knew there was a right and wrong to this question but he wasn’t here to get the other help him for his benefit. “I don’t know what I’m feeling, I never do. But I can’t let him leave again. And not just because I need him. I want to be able to help him just as he helps me but I don’t know how…” “Do you love Kaveh?”

The question was sudden, it knocked the air out of his lungs. “What?” “You were together during your student years, weren’t you? I’m not sure what you called it. But you were together. Did you love him then?” “I…I don’t know…I don’t know what that’s like.” Al-Haitham sounded defeated, hopeless. Tighnari observed the man, so this was what Kaveh meant when he said Al-Haitham had trouble identifying his emotions. “Okay, take a deep breath. Do you care about what Kaveh is doing, how he’d feeling throughout the day? Do you get curious?” Al-Haitham nodded. “Do you want to know where he is when you haven’t heard from him?” He nodded again. “Do you…like watching him? does he attract you?” “Yes, he always has. Have you seen him?” Al-Haitham rolled his eyes, like he didn’t understand where these questions were going. Who wouldn’t notice Kaveh? With his lush blond hair, magnetic eyes, his flary style. For gods’ sake, he dressed like a peacock.

“Do you notice when he’s tired? When his moods change?” “Yeah. Where are we getting to?” “I’ve been thinking about this for a while, since Kaveh started talking about you. I think you have trouble processing your emotions. You can’t name them, maybe you can recognize being angry or sad because those are simple and they physically show themselves but you can’t actually put a name on them. And you have trouble showing your emotions, so you seem apathetic. How did you cope when Kaveh left you in your last year? What did you do?” “I…I don’t know. Everything felt like it had derailed. I felt like I couldn’t tell left from right. And everything seemed so…empty.” “Why didn’t you object when Kaveh said things wouldn’t work out?” “Because I didn’t know what to say. I knew I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I didn’t even know how I felt about the relationship in the first place.” “Were you just going with it?” “N-no. Of course not. Kaveh wanted it and I wanted him to have what he wanted. So if he didn’t want it then it didn’t make sense for me to object. Kaveh knows what he wants, he always does.”

Tighnari sighed. “I don’t think that’s true. But I can see it now. Al-Haitham, you’re unable to process your emotions. There’s probably a name for this but it’s not in my field of expertise. You can’t identify your own emotions, therefor you don’t know that you’re in love. Kaveh sticks around, not because he wants to help you, but because he feels like you love him too. But you don’t really understand it yourself, you can’t properly show it so he gets anxious. I think you should observe yourself from outside. Just…try to think that everything you’re doing…the attention you pay to him, it’s because you love him. And make sure he understands that or at least sees that you care. Then see what happens.” Al-Haitham nodded. Maybe…just maybe things could work out for once.

--

Was he in love? He wouldn’t know. He knew he felt something. That something was driving him crazy. He spent the weeks before Kaveh returned reading about it. There was an abundance of books about love, he’d never run out of material. He kind of wished there were this much books about his favorite research topic but alas he was grateful. Now that he read about it, he could certainly see himself in the lines. His actions making sense now. How he enjoyed watching the other man work, how he lost himself looking at the other, how the other signing to him made his insides do weird things. He could see that. He couldn’t name it himself, but he could observe it and then name it. That should work for now.

Kaveh came back to an alright looking house. Which was not what he had expected. He found Al-Haitham on the couch, deeply engrossed in reading…a romance novel? The man didn’t notice him coming in. He stood there for a few seconds, taking in the other man. His gray hair, falling elegantly on his forehead, the teal eyes gliding on the page, his relaxed body, reclining on the couch. He exuded calmness. Kaveh finally moved, waving his hand in front of Al-Haitham to grab his attention. Al-Haitham jolted, like he always did when Kaveh caught him off guard. His eyes quickly found the other, widening in response. “When did you arrive?” He asked, putting away the book as he got up to take a good look at Kaveh. Kaveh looked tired and dusty from the long travel but his eyes gleamed in a certain way. It always did when he was satisfied with his work. Al-Haitham didn’t even feel the need to ask how his project had gone but that wouldn’t work. He had to show Kaveh he cared. ‘Just now.’ Kaveh signed, already moving to his bedroom.

Al-Haitham followed, feeling like he couldn’t let him go. Even for a second. “How was the project?” He asked, leaning on the doorway, not moving past the threshold. ‘Good, I found someone to look after the progress while I’m away. And notify me if anything happened and I managed to make everyone understand what should be done. We also got started on the first building.’ He wasn’t looking at Al-Haitham as he signed. Maybe he thought Al-Haitham wasn’t really listening, he was rambling again. He paused, pulling his shirt over his head as casually as possible. Making Al-Haitham wince notably, Kaveh wasn’t looking. “Candace promised she’d help. I hope she delivered.” Al-Haitham finally commented trying his best to part his eyes from Kaveh’s lean but muscular body. And that waist-line… he managed to focus on Kaveh just in time as he looked up at him, seeing something new in Al-Haitham’s eyes. What had happened in the three weeks he was away? “Yeah…she helped a lot.” Kaveh didn’t notice he was speaking. It was always a little hard to adjust, he had spent a few weeks just talking. “Did anything happen when I was away?” Kaveh asked, forcing his hands to sign the same. “Not really. I managed to appoint two of the sages so my workload is decreasing. That’s all.” Al-Haitham didn't lie, he always hid the truth but for some reason it felt harder with Kaveh. But he couldn’t really tell Kaveh what had happened. Even he understood the other won’t be too happy with the way Tighnari had meddled in. ‘Good, I didn’t come back to another revolution.’ He said, now eyeing Al-Haitham so he’d get out. He needed a bath.

He was chatty. What had gotten into him? Kaveh wondered. He was never this curious about his endeavors. Kaveh eyed him suspiciously. He put the food in his mouth not even appreciating the Lambad special Al-Haitham had gotten them. He was too distracted trying to figure out what had changed. Had Al-Haitham missed him? no, that simply wasn’t possible. “I noticed one of the valves in our bathroom is faulty.” “I’ll look into it.” Kaveh nodded, his hands were too occupied to sign. “No, I already looked at it. It needed a new one, which I bought but you should probably fix it.” Al-Haitham said, keeping his eyes fixed on the other’s lips. Kaveh scowled, seriously what had gotten into this man? He had gone shopping? Usually Al-Haitham wouldn’t even look twice at the faulty valve. ‘Okay’ Kaveh signed, still frowning.

Things started getting back into routine. Whatever that was. Al-Haitham was still over-exhausted and even more useless in home than before but it felt different. He seemed like he was trying. Asking Kaveh if he needed to buy something for dinner even when he was never home early enough and whatever he bought was just used for tomorrow’s dinner. One day though he came home looking absolutely ransacked. ‘What the hell happened to you?’ Kaveh asked, helping the other sit down on the couch. His hands expertly pushing the headphones off his head, massaging them just how Al-Haitham did. Just like how he used to do before. Al-Haitham nearly sobbed with the touch. His body was in desperate need of touch. More than he had realized. But the desperation only got mixed with his already splitting headache.

He needed to rest his eyes but he couldn’t take his eyes off Kaveh. That would be rude, completely shutting the other off when he was taking care of him. There was no way he’d consider this a few weeks ago. Obviously Kaveh didn’t have any expectations at this point. ‘I’ll get you medicine, wait a second.’ He signed, rushing off. Al-Haitham took the chance to close his eyes, letting out a grunt. Kaveh eyed him worried from the kitchen, he should really scold his junior later. But the thought of another argument didn’t sit right with him. He liked debating with the younger man, he loved it when they challenged each other’s views and opinions. But this was something else, he didn’t want to give the impression that he…cared? Still loved? Worried? Playing the mother hen for the other was something, but scolding him like a child didn’t particularly seem acceptable. He pushed everything back, for now he needed to make sure Al-Haitham could sleep.

Al-Haitham was so out of it by the time he laid in bed he didn’t notice the soft brushes on his head or the way Kaveh looked over him. Checking on him throughout the night, making sure he hadn’t broken a fever. The next morning, Al-Haitham expected to be interrogated and scolded sufficiently but he only got some worried glances and medicine Kaveh had fetched from Bimarestan before he even woke up. “I was in a meeting for a good five hours with lesser lord Kusanali and the newly appointed sages and some candidates. It just dragged on and on…and everyone was seated around a round table…I felt my eyes popping out by the end of it…” He explained, not that Kaveh had asked. But he felt like he owed him an explanation. ‘Look Al-Haitham…I know about you wanting to keep it a secret and all…but you really need to tell a few people. So they can save your ass in situations like this. Maybe tell lesser lord Kusanali herself? I’m sure she can wrap up the meetings when it gets that bad.’ Kaveh suggested, still reluctant to get involved.

Al-Haitham knew Kaveh was right but he still disliked the thought passionately. Bothering his Archon with something like this…he’d rather get crushed by a meteorite. He never knew why Kaveh didn’t share his view on this matter. Why he always suggested he should share his secret at least with a few of his colleagues. He didn’t need anyone’s disdain or worst, their pity. He let out a sigh, getting ready to start arguing. ‘I’m not here to argue about this for the hundredth time. I still think you view everyone too darkly. I know your secret and the world didn’t end, did it?’ “You’re different.” He finally said, not even sure what that meant. It was alright because it was Kaveh? Or not everyone is as patient and understanding as Kaveh? Kaveh just stared at him for a few second before shaking his head. ‘Do whatever you want. Just don’t expect me to be there every time you practically stop functioning.’ He signed, his eyes getting colder as he left Al-Haitham alone with his breakfast. Probably going to get his own much needed sleep. His words filling Al-Haitham’s mind with sheer panic and anxiety. Feelings he could discern solely based on the fact that he wanted to keel over and vomit. Did that mean…he wanted to leave? That he’d eventually leave? Rationally Al-Haitham knew this, their living situation, couldn’t go on forever. That someday Kaveh was bound to get fed up again and leave. Not unless Al-Haitham did something about it. But would Kaveh even accept his feelings? Hadn’t he already made it clear that his feelings were nothing but fleeting emotions? Had Al-Haitham already blew it? There was no way Kaveh still liked him, not when his was like this.

Chapter Text

“You’re coming?” Kaveh asked, still dumbfounded. Thing lately had been…awkward. He felt Al-Haitham’s eyes on him everywhere he went in the house. There had been less fighting, at least no vicious ones. Even when Kaveh came home hammered and had racked an enormous tab in the tavern. Al-Haitham had simply paid for it and left some water for his hangover on his nightstand. It was weird, not bad but…weird and new. Now when Kaveh was going for a small checkup to the desert for a few days, Al-Haitham had informed him he was coming. “Yeah, I’m the acting grand sage. I need to show my face in the desert, see how things are going for myself. And your project is the biggest diplomatic gesture.” He finished explaining in his normal annoying tone. Kaveh still felt uneasy about this. Al-Haitham wasn’t being completely honest about it. He even knew where he’d be, discussing things with his colleagues today. He had caught him just before he was leaving for another meeting. “Alright. I doubt we’ll have any business with each other.” He finally said, keeping his hands firmly down to avoid unconsciously signing. They were in public and habits like this were hard to control. Kaveh had gotten too used to just sign to the other. Everything seemed too…unnatural.

The journey was a challenge. Mainly because they weren’t alone and people kept talking to Kaveh, who didn’t mind conversing with them but every time they’d approach Al-Haitham Kaveh would get anxious, then scold himself for worrying so much about that dick. But it was true that Al-Haitham had problem holding conversation in the open and while walking no less. Kaveh pitched in a few times to save him from the awkwardness until people gave up trying to strike conversation with the stoic scholar. They camped somewhere not too far from Caravan Ribat for the night, clearly behind schedule as the rain had hindered them for a few hours. Kaveh had volunteered to keep watch as staying up posed no real problem for him.

He leaned into his claymore, watching the darkness of the woods, listening to the occasional howl or rustle in the depth of the wood. He jolted when he heard someone’s footsteps behind him. He looked up to find Al-Haitham hovering behind him. Quietly asking for permission to sit down. “What’s wrong?” He mouthed slowly, nodding for the other to sit down next to him. ‘Can’t sleep with strangers around. I feel uncomfortable.’ Al-Haitham signed slowly, he was missing his aids so Kaveh guessed the man wasn’t too sure he could keep his volume low enough. He plopped down next to Kaveh, taking a deep breath as he anxiously looked around.

‘You’re jumpy.’ Kaveh pointed out. Al-Haitham stared at his hands for a good few second, making Kaveh uncomfortable, before starting to sign himself. ‘Woods, unfamiliar people and open environment... too many variables. If something happens…’ his hands wandered off. Kaveh didn’t think the other could feel anxious. Of course, he could, he often did when they had first met. When he couldn’t relax in the dorms, he’d get jumpy just like he did now. ‘Hey’ Kaveh dismissed the other’s hands. ‘I’m here. I can save your ass when you feel like things are out of your control. I’ve done it before.’ Kaveh said, letting a smile sit on his face. Maybe this would calm the other. ‘I know…that’s why I’m accompanying you.’ Al-Haitham confessed. Kaveh stared at him for a few seconds, wondering what the other meant. ‘What?’ he finally signed. ‘The trip was supposed to be in a week but the thought of going there alone or with strangers was killing me so I proposed to accompany you and everyone thought it was a good idea as you could ‘show me how the project was coming along’ like you already haven’t told me everything.’ Al-Haitham stopped to give Kaveh a smirk.

Kaveh only stared at him in disbelief. Was Al-Haitham being sincere? Honest? Sharing? ‘Sorry if you weren’t planning on catering to me on this trip.’ Al-Haitham ended, his hands slightly shaking from signing so much. Kaveh knew he wasn’t used to it. He could read his hands perfectly fine but he never signed much himself. But that wasn’t the point. Catering? And since when did Al-Haitham feel sorry about that? Kaveh was tongue-tied or rather hand-tied. ‘It’s…it’s fine Haitham. I don’t mind.’ He finally said, still a little too dazed from the sudden confession and apology. They sat in silence for a while before Kaveh noticed the other’s sleepy eyes. There was no way Al-Haitham could sleep in the tent. ‘Come on. Put something over here and sleep. I’ll look after you and I’ll wake you up before others so you could get yourself sorted. Good?’ Kaveh signed, pushing the other to get a bag or something under his head and sleep right next to him. Al-Haitham nodded and obliged without a sound.

Kaveh watched as sleep consumed the other. Remembering the recent stormy night they had spent on the same bed. He knew Al-Haitham was too out of it to have registered much. Showing just how exhausted he got from his new work. But Kaveh was almost awake the whole night, listening to the non-stop lightnings, the relentless rain and Al-Haitham’s steady breathing, sleeping away so blissfully in the quiet of his mind. While Kaveh was left contemplating his life again. What was he doing here? Back in Al-Haitham’s life. But since he had gotten back from the desert, things had changed. Al-Haitham didn’t mention anything, Archons forbid he ever did. But things had gotten…bearable. He spent less time cursing himself for his unfortunate feelings. It almost looked like Al-Haitham was making an effort. Was he feeling threatened that Kaveh had found a job and might move out? No, he was the one who had gotten him the job in the first place. Kaveh knew, of course people had told him. But Al-Haitham still thought he didn’t know, maybe he thought it’d make Kaveh angry. He never really was good at reading Kaveh’s feelings. Or his own for that matter. Archons’ above, he was losing his mind.

Kaveh eyed Al-Haitham from the corner of his eyes as he was talking to Candace. Not even a trace of the vulnerable man from last night evident in his demeanor. Had last night really happened? “Ready to give us a tour Kaveh?” Candace looked at him, asking politely. Kaveh nodded, walking the two through the construction site, explaining everything there was. He gave Al-Haitham worried glances as he guessed how lost he probably was, not that he showed it. Construction sites were noisy and the usual wind of the desert didn’t help. He was controlling the urge to not sign everything as he spoke. It was fine, Al-Haitham already knew everything about the projects. Kaveh had noticed how much attention he had been paying to his ramblings lately, commenting even. But still seeing him looking a little lost and confused tugged his stomach the wrong way.

“Any questions?” He asked, stopping somewhere that at least shielded them from the wind. “Everything was very clear, thanks architect Kaveh.” Al-Haitham answered, sending a chill down Kaveh’s spine with how he was called and how easily Al-Haitham had lied. He sent him a little glare hoping Candace wouldn’t notice. Al-Haitham only grinned. “I agree, let’s end it here and walk back to the village chief’s house for a meal?” Candace said, facing Kaveh completely. Kaveh nodded, eyeing Al-Haitham wearily. Candace started walking back and Kaveh quickly signed ‘Lunch’ to the clueless Al-Haitham. “What would I have done without you?” Al-Haitham mumbled under his breath. Kaveh wasn’t even sure if he had heard right. They walked back in silence.

Inside, Kaveh could finally breathe. Al-Haitham didn’t need his help talking to Candace and Setare. He could relax as he ate, letting the good food wash away the trip’s constant weariness. He noticed Al-Haitham’s passing glances as he passed him food. But the two didn’t exchange any words. “By the way, I do apologize but we don’t have enough housing for all of you. The others have agreed to stay at the village chief’s house. Leaving you and Al-Haitham to stay at one of the village keeper’s houses. He offered one of his rooms, I hope you don’t mind sharing for one night.” Candace said, right when Al-Haitham walked away. Definitely not far enough for Candace to think he wouldn’t hear. Kaveh was stunned, sharing a room? Again? Of course he didn’t mind it like Candace thought he might. “Oh, it’s fine. Al-Haitham and I shared a dorm room during our student years. I don’t think he’d mind either. I should thank the village keeper for his hospitality…” he rambled on, answering in Al-Haitham’s stead as well. The other kept silent even after walking back. Kaveh changed the subject immediately to gloss over the sudden excitement and stress that was bubbling inside him.

“Ugh.” Was all Al-Haitham said when they were finally alone in the room. He couldn’t get his aids off his ears fast enough. Closing his eyes as he kept his hands on the ringing ears for a few seconds, trying to adjust to the silence. He let out a sigh before looking around and taking in the small room. “It’s just us I hope?” he asked, finally focusing on Kaveh. Kaveh nodded as he started to get comfortable. Laying down the futons and the two rock hard pillows that they were given. Al-Haitham started undressing, getting out of the sandy clothes. Trying his best to ignore Kaveh’s glances. He was so shameless sometimes. Al-Haitham always noticed him ogling at him in their home. He didn’t mind it though, he never did. He wasn’t above peeking either.

When they settled down, they noticed how close they really were. Kaveh was glad Al-Haitham couldn’t hear his hitched breath as the other rolled to his side and faced him. Their faces only inches away from each other. “I didn’t…I didn’t miss anything today, did I? The wind here is really deafening…” ‘You were fine, nothing happened. No one noticed anything.’ Kaveh dismissed the other’s worries. “Good.” Al-Haitham mumbled, even though their conversation had ended he didn’t take his eyes off of Kaveh. “The village keeper who offered his house…Khalil,” He said after some silence. ‘Yeah?’ “He’s the one the traveler saved, before the revolution.” ‘You helped?’ Kaveh asked, keeping his eyes pinned on the other. “I guess. I just helped the traveler really.” Kaveh hummed, Al-Haitham was being modest. That was the feeling he got or he wouldn’t have brought it up. He wanted Kaveh to know.

‘What’s really going on with you Haitham?’ Kaveh finally asked, propping up himself with his elbow to get a better view of Al-Haitham. He saw the other’s eyes widening. “Nothing.” He quickly denied, his voice slightly louder than intended. Kaveh instinctively slapped his hand on the other’s mouth. “Shhhh.” He mouthed. Al-Haitham looked a little embarrassed. Sitting down so he could sign. ‘Nothing, not really’ Kaveh raised an eyebrow. Sitting up himself so he could sign better. ‘What does that mean? Haitham I’m not blind. I can see you…trying? I don’t even know what you’re doing. Just tell me before I go crazy trying to figure you out.’ He stared at the blond uncomfortably for a few seconds. Wondering what he should answer. Be honest? What would he say even if he was trying to be honest?

He moved his hand through his hair, feeling frustrated. Even he knew he was frustrated. ‘I’m waiting.’ Kaveh signed, eyeing him impatiently. ‘Well. I don’t know how to tell you this. I talked to T-I-GH-N-A-R-I while you were gone.’ Kaveh frowned, where was this going? ‘And long story short, he told me I have problem processing my feelings.’ ‘Yeah, we’ve been known.’ Kaveh said, rolling his eyes. ‘No, I mean really. I can’t actually name my feelings. I guess I always knew but he said it might actually be a real mental condition.’ Now Kaveh was looking serious. ‘What else did he say?’ he asked. ‘He said I should observe my own actions and try to match them to how I know a human would feel if they acted the same. Like when I just observe others to understand how they’re feeling.’ Al-Haitham explained, completely avoiding Kaveh’s eyes as he focused on his own hands. Trying his best to get the point across.

‘I see, and what does that have to do with me and how weird you’ve been acting around me?’ Kaveh asked, trying to get Al-Haitham to get to the point faster. Al-Haitham paused for a good while before opening his mouth. “I love you Kaveh. That’s what I figured out. I’ve been trying to make sense of my…my feelings and maybe act on them. Tighnari said I might lose you if I keep acting like this…so I’ve been trying.” He mumbled, still keeping his eyes down. What? Kaveh stared at the other dumbfoundedly. WHAT? Not in a million years did he anticipate that answer. The word ‘love’ coming out of the stoic and apathetic Al-Haitham’s mouth? He loved Kaveh? He paused for a good minute before tapping Al-Haitham’s shoulder to get his attention. ‘Are you sure?’ was all he asked. Al-Haitham stared at the blond, trying to take in everything in front of him. Kaveh didn’t look disgusted or weirded out. He was looking at him like how he always did, kindly, attentively. His eyes looking at him like he was the only thing in the world worth looking at. ‘I don’t think I can ever be sure about my feelings Kaveh. But I am as sure as I can be about this.’ Al-Haitham finally answered. Kaveh nodded as he gave him a smile, one of his best. He leaned forward and to the scribe’s dismay he gave him a hug. He was caught so off guard he jerked away for a second before giving up and leaning in to the embrace. He closed his eyes as he took in the other’s aroma. His body finally relaxing. “I’m sorry it took me this long to understand.” He mumbled, hoping he was keeping his voice down. Kaveh pulled out only to shake his head, implying it was alright. They were finally here.

Kaveh didn’t let go of Al-Haitham for even a second that night. They stayed intertwined the whole night, Kaveh putting his head on the other’s chest, his hands around his waist as he drew circles on Al-Haitham’s bare back. Al-Haitham was unsurprisingly sensitive to touch. He tensed up every time Kaveh touched somewhere new but relaxed just as fast. Kaveh enjoyed how the other’s breath hitched or how he froze just with his touch. Finally sleep took both of them in, sleeping in each other’s embrace for the first time in years.

---

Al-Haitham woke up how he usually woke up these days. Kaveh tapping his back relentlessly. “Ugh. I’m up. I’m up.” He grumbled before kicking off his blanket, rubbing his eyes as he tried to take in his surroundings. Mainly Kaveh. ‘Get dressed, breakfast’s ready.’ He signed, pushing him off the bed. Al-Haitham wasn’t sure how long the other had been up, or whether he had slept at all. He came to bed with him last night and maybe sneaked off after lulling him to sleep. “Did you even sleep last night?” Al-Haitham asked as he walked out of the bathroom. His eyes finally open enough to take in Kaveh, in his full disheveled glory. The blond hair in a messy bun, the usual feather balanced on his ear and his sleepwear covered in ink. He was putting down their breakfast on their coffee table in front of the couch. They had three of them but these days they rarely sat on different ones. Kaveh had understood pretty quickly that Al-Haitham had trouble keeping his hands to himself and gave up sitting on separate chairs. ‘No, I got something stuck in my head and I needed to get it on paper. Before I knew it…’ “It was seven in the morning?” Al-Haitham sighed, ending his sentence. Kaveh nodded, giving him a smile, which read you know me so well. He leaned in casually, planting a kiss on Al-Haitham’s lips. Al-Haitham’s hands quickly caught the other, keeping him in place to continue. “Don’t escape.” He muttered, coaxing Kaveh to lean into him. Pulling the other down to sit on his lap as he found his place on the couch. Kaveh’s legs resting on top of Al-Haitham’s thighs like it belonged there. When their lips parted, Kaveh was out of breath and flushed. His eyes losing focus, not sure where to look. Two months and he still hadn’t gotten used to this Al-Haitham. The Al-Haitham who so openly wanted him. “What’s wrong?” Al-Haitham asked, staring at Kaveh’s perplexed look. Kaveh shook his head. ‘Nothing, just wondering how this all happened.’ He signed, his hands still a little shaky from the rush. “Get used to it.” Al-Haitham said in his usual emotionless voice before pulling Kaveh closer for another long, deep kiss. Kaveh wanted to remind the man he had to get to work but Al-Haitham wouldn’t let go long enough for him to sign. So he said fuck it and let himself be manhandled by the eager younger man. Relentlessly kissing him, as if he wanted to make up for all the time he had wasted. Kaveh couldn’t help but marvel at his situation. Pretty much unthinkable for the Kaveh of a few months ago. Al-Haitham kissing him every morning, every night. Making love passionately at night and…caring. Listening to him, trying to help wherever he could. Al-Haitham had a point, he could get used to this.