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Chapter Text

Canada:*Sees Soviet & America walk into the room holding hands* So who confessed?

America:*smiling* It was me!! I made sure it was short and sweet.

Soviet:You yelled listen here you little shit I have feelings for you and it's about time you acknowledged them, from the roof.

America:Worked though.

~~~

Soviet, drunk:What if fairies were real?

America, also drunk:What?

Soviet:Fairies. What if they were actually real?

America:W-Wait, *narrows eyes* f-fairies aren't r-real?

Soviet:Of course they're not-

America:*tearing up*

Soviet:I was just messing with you, of course they're real! Please don't cry I love you so so much. *smothers America in kisses*

~~~

America:*At Soviet's funeral* Can I have a moment alone with him, Canada?

Canada:Of course. *walks out*

America:*leans over the coffin* Listen, I know you're not fucking dead.

Soviet:*sits up* Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

~~~

Greece:*kisses Turkey's neck*

Turkey:What is this?

Greece:Affection!!!

Turkey:Disgusting.

Turkey:...

Turkey:Do it again.

~~~

Mexico:You know, I'm jealous of you.

Canada:Huh? Why?

Mexico:Your partner is hotter than mine. *walks away*

Canada:Wait but

Canada:BUT WE'RE DATING-

Canada:COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT-

~~~

Uruguay:Have you ever liked someone before but were to scared to say it?

Timor-Leste:All the time.

Uruguay:Same.

Uruguay and Timor-Leste:*Silence*

El Salvador:*In the distance but can hear them* *slaps forehead* They're idiots! Oh my god! Just kiss already! Or I'm gonna hear about this for the next week from Uruguay!

~~~

Taiwan:*On the couch, reading a book*

Kosovo:*Blanket Burritoed, head on Taiwan's lap, eyes closed*

Taiwan:*Slowly stroking Kosovo's hair, only pausing to flip the page*

Kosovo:*falls into a peaceful slumber, completely at peace*

Taiwan:*smiles down lovingly and gently kisses Kosovo's forehead*

~~~

Taiwan:*napping on the couch*

Kosovo:*Opens the door* TAI!!!

Taiwan:*wakes up* Whaaaaaaaat?

Kosovo:I CAUGHT A BIRD!!! *muffled chirping*

Taiwan:*sleepily* That's nice...

Taiwan:...

Taiwan:WAIT WHAT? PUT IT BACK KOS!!!

~~~

Soviet:What are you doing?

America:*hanging upside down from a tree* Trying to kiss you?

Soviet:You're gonna fall.

America:...

America:Shut it and kiss me, asshole, I'm getting lightheaded.

~~~

Soviet:I'm the most responsible one here.

America:You just SET MY FUCKING KITCHEN ON FIRE-

Soviet:Yes and I take full responsibility for that.

~~~

America:*In tree*

Soviet:Get down from there!

America:No way!

Soviet:I'm gonna call the police and the president.

America:I'll fight them.

Soviet:I have coffee and Canada's pancakes.

America:*Jumps out of tree and grabs coffee and pancakes* I totally would have fought them.

Soviet:I know you would.

~~~

Belarus:K-k-ki-

Cuba:Take your time babe, it's okay.

Belarus:Ki-i-

Cuba:You can do it, Babe!

Belarus:KI-KILL ME I HAVE THREE MEETINGS TOMORROW!!!

Cuba:Well I was hoping for kiss me but letting emotions out is good too.

~~~

Canada:I personally find Mexico adorable and small, not to mention very easy to pick up.

Mexico:*Squirming in Canada's arms just above the ground* just because I'm shorter than you doesn't mean you caN MAKE FUN OF MY HEIGHT!!!

Canada:*Starts swaying Mexico back and forth* Awww aren't you just adorable.

~~~

Uruguay:*deadpan* Timor-Leste gave me so many kisses today.

El Salvador:HE WHAT???

Uruguay:*deadpan* Yeah, he gave me an entire bag of them. *Holds up bag of Hershey's Kisses*

~~~

Poland:*chokes on something*

Germany:Jeez Poland don't die on me!

Poland:Don't tell me what to do! I'll die whenever the hell I want!

~~~

Germany and Poland:*In an argument*

Germany:If you don't like it, take what's yours and leave!

Poland:I will! *picks up Germany and leaves, carrying him*

~~~

Liberia:*yawns* I'm tired.

Singapore:Yeah, being adorable must be tiring.

Liberia:*tilts head* Then you must be exhausted.

Singapore:*Blushing*

~~~

Libya:No matter what you do or say, you'll never be able to change my mind. I'm sorry, but not this time. No is-

Fiji:*pouts* Please?

Libya:Okay.

Vanuatu:I knew it.

~~~

Timor-Leste:Japan? What are you writing?

Japan:A fanfic.

Timor-Leste:About what?

Japan:You and Uruguay.

Timor-Leste:What? Why?

Japan:Uruguay asked me to. I'm being paid.

Uruguay:I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THAT FUCKING ANONYMOUS!!!

Bonus:

Timor-Leste:He must think I'm a really good friend then. I wish I could be more...

~~~

Mexico:*To America* FIGHT ME!!!

Canada:Stop telling everyone to fight you, look at how small you are!

Mexico:My height doesn't effect my ability to snap someone's neck in 97 ways! Including yours!

Canada:You can't even reach my neck.

Mexico:Do you really want to test me now? Because I see a stool just a bit less than a third of a meter away from me. DO NOT MAKE ME USE IT!

~~~

Soviet:I have very high standards. I only fall in love with graceful-

America:*stumbles into the room, knocking over a vase, startling two cats, and landing flat on his face.*

Soviet:

Soviet:

Soviet:I want that one.

Chapter Text

America: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

Canada: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

Australia: I personally was created in a lab.

New Zealand: I just straight up spawned lol.

~~~

America: Self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys.

Canada: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap!

Australia: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you!! Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists!! Self care is the fear in your enemies' eyes!!!

New Zealand: Lmao self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting.

America: If you touch my birthday cake I'll make you eat your hands.

~~~

America: I think New Zealand was right.

Canada: I'm surprised they haven't marched in here to say 'I told you so.'

Australia: They wouldn't do that.

New Zealand: You're right, Australia. For once in your life, you're 100% right. I would never say that.

New Zealand: *turns around, the shirt they're wearing says 'New Zealand Told You So' on the back*

~~~

America: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.

Canada: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.

Australia: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?

New Zealand: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

~~~

America: Isn't it weird that we pay money to see other people?

Canada: Plane tickets?

Australia: Concert tickets?

New Zealand: Prostitution?

America, holding their broken frames: Glasses.

~~~

America: *Gently taps table*

Canada: *Taps back*

Australia: What are they doing?

New Zealand: Morse code.

America: *Aggressively taps table*

Canada: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

~~~

America: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Canada: Oh yeah? You're the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

America: I'm leaving, and I'M TAKING AUSTRALIA WITH ME

New Zealand, picking up the monopoly board: I think we're gonna stop playing now.

~~~

America: *Screams*

Canada: *Screams louder to establish dominance*

Australia: Should we do something?

New Zealand: No, I want to see who wins.

~~~

America: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Canada:

Australia:

New Zealand:

Everyone Else At America's Surprise Birthday Party:

Canada: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

~~~

Canada: You know those things will kill you, right?

America, pouring another glass of whiskey: That's the point.

Australia, smoking a cigarette: We're trying to speed up the process.

New Zealand: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

~~~

*Canada's helping America out after they get injured, while the others are watching*

Australia: How does America look?

New Zealand: A little better than you, actually.

~~~

America, setting down a card: Ace of spades

Canada, pulling out an Uno card: +4

Australia, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you

New Zealand, trembling: What are we playing...?

~~~

Cop: You're receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

America: Shit.

Canada: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?

Australia: OH MY GOD NEW ZEALAND FELL OFF!!!

~~~

America: Can I be frank with you guys?

Canada: Sure, but I don't see how changing your name is gonna help.

Australia: Can I still be Australia?

New Zealand: Shh, let Frank speak.

~~~

ft. UN :)

UN: Anyone d-

America: Depressed?

Canada: Drained?

Australia: Dumb?

New Zealand: Disliked?

UN: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people? ... Are you guys okay?

~~~

America: I think we're missing something.

Canada: Teamwork?

Australia: Cohesion?

New Zealand: A general sense of what we're doing?

~~~

America: Hah! 69! You know what that means?

Canada: What?

Australia: That you're a child.

New Zealand: HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ!?

~~~

America: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Canada: Not if they consent to it.

Australia: Depends who (or what) you're stabbing.

New Zealand: YES?!?

~~~

Canada: Dammit, America!

America: What?! It wasn't me!

Canada: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Australia!

Australia: Not me either.

Canada: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?

New Zealand: *whistles*

~~~

*America, Canada, and Australia are sitting on a bench.*

New Zealand: Why do you guys look so sad?

America: Sit down with us so we can tell you.

*New Zealand sits down*

Canada: The bench is freshly painted.

~~~

America: No thanks.

America: I'm god.

~~~

America: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I'm somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

Chapter Text

America: What does 'take out' mean?

Canada: Food.

Australia: Dating

New Zealand: Murder

Confederate: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

~~~

America: Bye Canada! Bye Australia! Bye New Zealand! Bye Confederate! Bye Canada!

Australia: You said 'bye Canada' twice.

America: I like Canada.

~~~

America: Looking left cause you don't treat me right

Canada: Looking right because you left

Australia: Looking up cause you let me down

New Zealand: Looking down cause you fucked up

Confederate: What is wrong with you guys?

~~~

America: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Canada: Several traffic violations.

Australia: Three counts of resisting arrest.

New Zealand: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Confederate: Also, that's not our car.

~~~

America: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.

Canada: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Australia: I recorded the dumb stuff.

New Zealand: I joined in on the dumb stuff.

Confederate: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!

~~~

America: You kidnapped Canada? That's illegal!

Australia: But America, what's more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Canada, or destroying our dreams?

America: Kidnapping Canada, Australia!!!

New Zealand: America, listen, whatever I may think of you right now- these guys are counting on you to inspire them!

America: What, to kidnap people?!?!

New Zealand: To work together!

America: TO KIDNAP PEOPLE?!?!?!?!

Confederate: America, we all temporarily agreed a country is a not a people.

~~~

America: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Canada: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Australia: Meet me in the Denny's parking lot for a wizard duel.

New Zealand: *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Confederate: What the fuck is wrong with you people?

~~~

America: I'm an idiot.

Canada:

Australia:

New Zealand:

Confederate:

America:

Canada:If you're waiting for us to disagree, it's gonna be a long day.

~~~

America, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Confederate: You did WHAT–

Canada: William Snakepeare

Chapter Text

America: I'm gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Canada: Only if you also don't ask why

Canada: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.

America:

Canada:

America: This one is fine

~~~

America: I prevented a murder today.

Canada: Really? How'd you do that?

America: self control.

~~~

America: Welcome, fellow idiots

Canada: Hello, America

America: No, no, not you, you're not an idiot

Canada: You underestimate me

~~~

America: I've already sent good vibes your way... they're coming. There's nothing you can do to stop them.

Canada: This is the most threatening way I've ever been cheered up.

~~~

Canada: Happy Scorpio season. If you have to burn a bridge, do it safely!

America: With NAPALM.

~~~

Canada: Could you be anymore annoying?

America: Yes.

~~~

Canada: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.

America: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.

Canada: Th-that's not how that works-

~~~

Canada: You use humor to deflect your trauma.

America: Awww, thanks-

Canada: That's not a good thing.

America: All I'm hearing is that you think I'm funny.

~~~

Canada: Hey, America? Can I get some dating advice?

America: Just because I'm with Soviet doesn't mean I know how I did it.

~~~

America: Alright, listen up you little shits.

America: Not you Canada. You're an angel and we're thrilled you're here.

~~~

Canada: How do I deal with my enemies?

America: Kill them

Canada: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution

America: Kill them only a little?

~~~

America: I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.

Canada: Oh no.

America: More like "oh yes!"

~~~

Canada: Look, America, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

~~~

America: Guys, there's a monster under my bed and it's really ugly.

Canada, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

~~~

Canada: America, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.

America: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?

~~~

Canada: America, is that legal?

America: When there's no cops around, anything's legal!

~~~

Canada: America, is that my mug you're drinking out of?

America: No, it's mine.

Canada: It... looks just like the one I have...

America: You don't have one like this anymore.

~~~

America: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.

Canada: You mean you stabbed them?

America: They ran into my knife.

~~~

America: Oh, here's my award for the most rules broken!

Canada: That's not an award, it's an angry letter from UN.

America, hanging it on their wall: Well, it has the word 'most' in it, so I'm calling it an award!

~~~

Canada: Do you take constructive criticism?

America: No, only cash or credit.

~~~

America, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.

Canada: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.

~~~

America: Ah shit, I forgot.

Canada: Forgot what?

America: How do you expect me to answer that?

~~~

Canada: How the hell are you still alive?

America: Honestly, I'm just as confused as you are.

~~~

Canada: You disgust me.

America: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don't care.

~~~

Canada: I can't imagine what America is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

~~~

Canada: Truth or dare?

America: Truth.

Canada: How many hours have you slept this week?

America:

America: Dare.

Canada: Go to sleep.

America: I don't like this game.

~~~

Canada: You believe me?

America: Canada, you're the last good person on this planet. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

~~~

America: Tomorrow's garbage day.

Canada: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.

~~~

America: How do you want your coffee?

Canada: Black, like my soul.

America:

America: Canada, your soul is a latte.

~~~

Canada: You can't have a gun on stage!

America: WRONG AGAIN! I can have a gun, and I must have a gun, that's the rule of Chekhov's Gun: have a gun. And now that it's been seen, I will have to shoot someone before the end of the play.

~~~

America: I won a new phone in a race.

Canada: Huh? What kind of race lets you win a phone, America?

America: A race between the store owner, the cop, and me.

~~~

America: I have an idea.

Canada: A good idea?

America: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

~~~

Canada, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?

America: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle*

America:

America: It's perfume.

~~~

America: What goes up but never comes down?

Canada: The amount of stress you're bringing this family.

~~~

America: I know this isn't going to end well and I don't care. So don't you try and stop me, Canada!

Canada: I wasn't stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.

~~~

Canada: Are you having another depressive episode?

America: A depressive episode?

America: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.

~~~

America: *casually taking four stairs at a time*

Canada, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

~~~

America: You've got to learn to love yourself.

Canada: But don't you hate yourself.

America: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

~~~

Canada: What happened?!

America: Do you want the long version or the short version?

Canada: Sh-short??

America: Shit's fucked.

Canada: Okay, long.

America: Shit's very fucked.

~~~

Canada: Go to sleep or you'll hate yourself in the morning!

America: I'll hate my self in the morning regardless.

~~~

Canada: Ow!

America: What's wrong?

Canada: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

America: It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

~~~

Canada: I can't take you seriously wearing that.

America: Aw, you take me seriously at all?

Canada: Fair point.

Chapter Text

Luxembourg: I love you.

Latvia, not paying attention: What was that?

Luxembourg: I said I'm selling you to the zOo-

~~~

Latvia: I want to kiss you.

Luxembourg, not paying attention: What?

Latvia: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

~~~

Latvia: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Luxembourg: I wrote you a poem.

Latvia, already crying: You did?

~~~

Luxembourg: How much did you spend on this date?

Latvia: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

~~~

Latvia: How would you like your coffee?

Luxembourg: As dark as my soul.

Latvia: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up!

~~~

Latvia: Please say words of encouragement to me so I don't murder someone right now.

Luxembourg: There are no books in prison.

Latvia: *sighs* Thank you.

~~~

Latvia: Do you want some tea?

Luxembourg: What are the options?

Latvia: Yes or no.

~~~

Luxembourg, throwing a pokeball at Latvia: Latvia, I choose you!

Latvia, not looking up from their book and catching it: You need an Ultra ball to catch this Legendary Pokémon.

~~~

Luxembourg: I made this friendship bracelet for you.

Latvia: You know, I'm not really a jewelry person.

Luxembourg: You don't have to wear...

Latvia: No, I'm gonna wear it forever. Back off.

~~~

Latvia: Hey, Luxembourg, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?

Luxembourg: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.

Latvia: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?

Luxembourg: Can't really say I have.

Latvia: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.

Luxembourg: Sorry, Latvia. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

~~~

Latvia: I think I need a hug...

Luxembourg: Good thing I'm hug shaped!

*45 minutes later*

Latvia: You... you can let go now.

Luxembourg: No, I absolutely cannot.

~~~

Latvia: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Luxembourg.

Luxembourg: I hate myself.

Latvia: Alright, square up.

~~~

Latvia: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Luxembourg: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Latvia: That one. I want that one.

~~~

Luxembourg: I still have no idea how I'm attracted to you...

Latvia: Yeah, well, you're stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

~~~

Luxembourg: You have to apologize to them Latvia.

Latvia: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

~~~

Luxembourg: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.

Latvia: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

~~~

Latvia: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.

Luxembourg: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.

Latvia: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??

Luxembourg: Is it working?

~~~

Luxembourg: You have any sunscreen?

Latvia: You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire—

Luxembourg: It's for my marshmallow ya dummy.

Chapter Text

Uruguay: I've been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Timor-Leste: Wow. They sound stupid.

Uruguay: But they're not. They're really smart actually. Just dense.

Timor-Leste: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don't know... "Hey! I love you!"

Uruguay: I guess you're right. Hey Timor, I love you.

Timor-Leste: See! Just say that!

Uruguay: Holy fucking shit.

Timor-Leste: If that flies over their head then, sorry Uruguay, but they're too dumb for you.

Uruguay: Timor.

~~~

Uruguay: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

Timor-Leste: I know. Whenever I'm near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

Uruguay: But you're always acting stupid?

Timor-Leste: ...

Timor-Leste: Yeah, don't think about that too hard.

~~~

El Salvador: *falls down the stairs*

Papua New Guinea: Are you okay?

Timor-Leste: Stop falling down the stairs!

Uruguay: How'd the ground taste?

~~~

Uruguay: *points at Papua New Guinea* A human turtleneck, *points at El Salvador* a narcissistic monster, *points at Timor-Leste* and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

Timor-Leste: And who am I? Describe me now.

~~~

Timor-Leste: Blue M&Ms are the best.

Uruguay: whAT IS THIS SLANDER?

Timor-Leste: What about it? They are.

Uruguay: I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH LIES ON MY CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER!

Uruguay: THE RED ONES ARE THE BEST!

Timor-Leste: YEAH? WELL YOUR MOM'S A HO!

El Salvador: They're all chocolate inside, the colors don't mean anything.

Papua New Guinea: I like the yellow ones.

Timor-Leste and Uruguay: SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH!

~~~

Uruguay: Words ending in 'ie' just sound so adorable. Like cutie, sweetie, cookie-

Timor-Leste: Eyy, homie!

Papua New Guinea: But then there's cootie...

El Salvador: Die.

~~~

Papua New Guinea: Where's Uruguay?

El Salvador: Don't worry, I'll find them.

El Salvador, shouting: Timor-Leste sucks!

Uruguay, distantly: Timor-Leste is the best person ever! Fuck you!

El Salvador: Found them.

~~~

Uruguay: Shh, here comes Papua New Guinea!

Timor-Leste: Quick, El Salvador, start talking about boring nerd stuff!

El Salvador: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist.

Timor-Leste: Yes, that's perfect. Just like that.

~~~

Papua New Guinea: I have issues.

Timor-Leste: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-

Papua New Guinea: With you.

~~~

Uruguay: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.

Uruguay: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

~~~

Timor-Leste: It's funny how well you and El Salvador get along. Didn't they hate you at first?

Papua New Guinea: El Salvador hates everybody at first. It's their way of reaching out to people.

~~~

Papua New Guinea: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I'm eating dirt?

El Salvador:

El Salvador: Why are you eating dirt?

Papua New Guinea: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question.

~~~

El Salvador: You can take away my rights, but can you take away my lefts?

~~~

Papua New Guinea: Editor's note: What the fuck?

~~~

Uruguay: BWWAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, you hear that? That's the wrong opinion alarm.

El Salvador: That is not something you actually have installed.

Uruguay: Sorry, say again? I couldn't hear you over my alarm that YOU SET OFF with your WRONG-ASS OPINION.

~~~

El Salvador: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.

Timor-Leste: And I need you to be less vague and weird.

~~~

El Salvador: It's nice to be wanted, you know?

Uruguay: Not by the law!

~~~

Papua New Guinea, banging on the door: El Salvador! Open up!

El Salvador: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Timor-Leste: No, he meant-

Uruguay: Let him finish.

~~~

Uruguay: Timor-Leste, I'm sad.

Timor-Leste: *Holds out arms for a hug* It's going to be okay.

Papua New Guinea: El Salvador, I'm sad.

El Salvador, nodding: mood.

Chapter Text

America, in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Soviet, in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you're staying home and having my kids

Canada: what the fuck are you guys doing?

America: playing systemic oppression

~~~

America: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Soviet: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-

Canada: Smad.

~~~

America: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Soviet: You're a hazard to society

Canada: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

~~~

America: Here's a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Soviet: America no.

Canada: Mistlefoe.

Soviet: Please stop encouraging him.

~~~

America: Come on, I wasn't that drunk last night.

Canada: You were flirting with Soviet.

America: So what? He's my boyfriend.

Canada: You asked him if he was single.

America:

Canada: And then you cried when he said he wasn't.

Chapter Text

Luxembourg: Latvia is too tall for me to kiss them on the lips. What should I do?

Belgium: Punch them in the stomach. Then, when they double over in pain, kiss them.

Estonia: Tackle them!

Lithuania: Dump them.

Netherlands: Kick them in the shin!

Latvia: No to all of those! Just ask me to lean down!!

~~~

Estonia: The floor is lava!

Belgium: *helps Netherlands onto the counter*

Luxembourg: *kicks Latvia off the sofa*

Lithuania: *lays on the floor*

Estonia: ...Are you okay?

Lithuania: No.

~~~

Luxembourg: Latvia kissed me!

Belgium: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Luxembourg: It was unbelievable!

Belgium: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Netherlands: Okay, we wanna hear everything. Bel, get the wine and unplug the phone. Lux, does this end well or do we need tissues?

Luxembourg: Oh, it ended very well.

Belgium: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!

Netherlands: Okay, alright, let's hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

Luxembourg: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

Netherlands: Ohh... So, okay, were they holding you? Or were their hands on your back?

Luxembourg: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.

Belgium and Netherlands: Ohhh.

*meanwhile*

Latvia eating pizza in their house: And, uh, and then I kissed them.

Lithuania: Tongue?

Latvia: Yeah.

Estonia: Cool.

~~~

Latvia: Croissants: dropped

Netherlands: Road: works ahead

Estonia: BBQ sauce: on my titties

Belgium: Shavacado: fre

Luxembourg: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead

Lithuania:

Lithuania: ...I didn't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

~~~

Belgium: Stressed.

Lithuania: Depressed.

Netherlands: Possessed.

Latvia: Obsessed.

Luxembourg: Impressed.

Estonia: Chicken breast.

Everyone: ...What?

Estonia: I just wanted to join in.

~~~

Latvia: *dies*

Lithuania: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months!

Belgium: Bullshit. One month.

Netherlands: Nah, half a month.

Luxembourg, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LATVIA JUST DIED!

Estonia, scratching chin in thought: One week.

~~~

*Squad reactions to being told 'I love you'*

Estonia: Thanks fam!

Lithuania: Oh no.

Belgium: *cries* I love you too.

Latvia: Sounds fake, but okay.

Luxembourg: *A flustered mess*

Netherlands: Can I get a refund?

~~~

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*

Belgium: I will not let you down.

Estonia: Sounds fun.

Luxembourg: K.

Lithuania: No, I'm fucking not.

Netherlands: Do I have to be?

Latvia: Please god, I am so tired.

~~~

Estonia: If you got arrested what would be the charges?

Luxembourg: Theft.

Netherlands: Disturbing the peace.

Latvia: Aggravated assault.

Belgium: Arson.

Lithuania: All of the above. In that order, probably.

~~~

Lithuania, rubbing their temples: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette.

Latvia: But Lithuania, we don't smoke.

Lithuania: Cut the crap, Latvia. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.

Lithuania: *points at Luxembourg* One! *points at Belgium* Two! *points at Estonia* Three! *points at Netherlands* Four! *points at Latvia* Five!

Lithuania: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers!

Netherlands: *puts a cigarrette in Lithuania's hand*

Lithuania: Thank you. ...Light?

The Squad: *all simultaneously pull out lighters*

~~~

Estonia: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.

Netherlands: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back...

Belgium: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

Lithuania: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.

Luxembourg: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.

Latvia: Mental stability, my old friend!

Estonia: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little?

~~~

Latvia: I just ended a five year relationship.

Estonia: Oh no, are you okay?

Latvia: It's okay, it wasn't mine.

~~~

Luxembourg: I asked Latvia out.

Belgium: Oh, I'm sorry.

Luxembourg: Why?

Belgium: Well, I assume they said no.

Luxembourg: No, they said yes.

Belgium: Really? Then I'm sorry for them.

~~~

Belgium: Life is like Luxembourg. It's short.

~~~

Latvia: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?

Estonia: Strong.

Netherlands: Weak.

Lithuania: An idiot, is what your are.

~~~

Netherlands, explaining why they are not allowed to cook: I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana and I almost burnt the whole house down.

~~~

Lithuania: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.

Estonia and Latvia: Awwww-

Lithuania: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything."

Estonia and Latvia: Oh.

~~~

Luxembourg: It's impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.

Latvia: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here's one more to further disprove your theory.

Lithuania: Fuck you.

~~~

Netherlands: We can't tell you because you're not a member of the club.

Lithuania: What club?

Estonia: The hating Lithuania club.

Lithuania: ...The fuck? I should be the leader of that club!

~~~

Latvia: Between Belgium, Luxembourg, Lithuania, and Estonia -- if you had to -- who would you punch?

Netherlands: No one! They're my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.

Latvia: Lithuania?

Netherlands: Yeah, but I don't know why.

~~~

Luxembourg, walking into Netherlands and Belgium's bedroom in the middle of the night: I had a bad dream.

Netherlands: What was it about?

Belgium: No, don't ask them that!

Netherlands: Why not?

Belgium: Cause they'll answer!

~~~

Latvia, sniffling: Calm down, I'm probably not sick. It might just be allergies.

Belgium: Okay, tell me this: are you like, really tired?

Latvia: I have depression, what do you think?

~~~

Latvia: Luxembourg, what do you have?

Luxembourg: A KNIFE!

Latvia: Okay, have fu-

Belgium: NO!

Chapter Text

America: Hey, wanna help me commit arson?

Bulgaria: What the hell!?

America: Oh, sorry, my bad.

America, whispering: Wanna help me commit arson?

Bulgaria, whispering: Of course. What do you need?

~~~

America: So, I've been thinking Bulgaria-

Bulgaria: That's dangerous.

~~~

Bulgaria: You look mentally ill.

America: I am. Let's go.

~~~

Bulgaria: So what do you have planned for the future?

America: Lunch.

Bulgaria: No, like long term.

America: Oh...um, dinner?

~~~

Bulgaria: America, we tried things your way.

America: No, we didn't.

Bulgaria: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

~~~

Bulgaria: Ask me anything. Go ahead, I'll give you a straight answer.

America: Why are we so fucking awesome?

Bulgaria: That's the best fucking question anybody's ever asked.

~~~

America: Punch me in the face.

Bulgaria: ...Punch you?

America: Yes, punch me, didn't you hear me?

Bulgaria: I always hear 'punch me in the face' while you're speaking but it's usually just subtext.

~~~

Bulgaria, trying to comfort America: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

~~~

Bulgaria: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me.

America: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR!

~~~

Bulgaria: Pick a card, any card.

America: Fine.

Bulgaria: Wait, that's my credit card!

America: You said any card.

~~~

America: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer.

Bulgaria:

America:

Bulgaria: ...Please, go back to bed.

~~~

America, having recently lost their glasses: KILL THE BUG!!!

Bulgaria: ....That's a gecko—

~~~

Bulgaria: Do you have a self-care routine?

America: "Keep going bitch" said to myself in different accents and languages.

~~~

America: Bulgaria taught me to think before I act.

America: ...So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my decision.

~~~

America: Given the circumstances, I will let you hug me for four to five seconds.

Bulgaria: Forty five seconds?!?

America: No! I said four TO five seconds.

Bulgaria, hugging America: Too late.

~~~

America: *plays shreksophone*

America: Woo.

America: Time to listen to this on loop for all eternity.

Bulgaria: ...Genius coping mechanism my friend

~~~

Bulgaria: I typed "bitch" into my GPS and guess what? I'm in your driveway.

America:

Bulgaria: Vroom vroom, come out already.

~~~

Bulgaria: Are you a cuddler?

America: I'm a machine of death and destruction.

Bulgaria:

America: ...Yeah, I'm a cuddler.

~~~

America: I failed my safety training course today.

Bulgaria: Why, what happened?

America: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Bulgaria: And?

America: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

~~~

America: I wish I was a dinosaur.

Bulgaria: Why? Cause they're big and scary?

America: Because they're dead.

~~~

Bulgaria: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!

America: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!

~~~

Bulgaria: I am going to need you to swear-

America: Fuck.

Bulgaria:

Bulgaria: ...swear as in promise.

~~~

America: We either die free, or die trying!

Bulgaria: Are those the only choices?

~~~

America: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles?

Bulgaria: I know you're serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes.

~~~

Bulgaria: You need to stop swearing so much.

America: Shut the fuck up.

Bulgaria: Yeah, that's not how you do it.

America: Alright sorry. It's just that it's hard not to swear. The words just creep up on me when I least expect it.

Bulgaria: Now now, don't be like that. Just replace the swear words with 'beep' and you'll be fine.

America: Shit the beep up.

Bulgaria:

America: SHUT, DAMMIT! I MEANT SHUT!

~~~

Bulgaria: America...

America: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

~~~

Bulgaria: You gave me up, you let me down, you turned around, and deserted me.

America: But did I make you cry?

Bulgaria: *cries on the spot*

America: ...Shit.

~~~

Bulgaria: *eating a cinnamon roll*

America: Cannibalism.

Bulgaria: *confused chewing noises*

~~~

Bulgaria: Yo! I heard you like reptiles, got any fun facts?

America: If a crocodile eats your dad, they become your new dad.

~~~

Bulgaria, texting America: America there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?

Bulgaria: Pls hurry because I'm going to cry

Bulgaria: America

Bulgaria: America

America: America is dead. You're next. Love, Moth.

~~~

America: Here's the cold medicine you asked for.

America: *dumps 3 shopping bags of wine on the table*

Bulgaria: ...Thanks.

~~~

America: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

Bulgaria: That doesn't exist.

America: Not with that attitude.

~~~

America: Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you're a coward.

Bulgaria: I'm worried about you.

~~~

America: Shut up, you're messing with my train of thought!

Bulgaria: I thought you didn't have a brain and now you say you have thoughts?

~~~

Bulgaria: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?

America: Don't worry, it's a holy gun.

Bulgaria: How so?

America: It makes holes.

~~~

America: You're giving me a sticker?

Bulgaria: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying "me-wow!"

America: I'm not a preschooler.

Bulgaria: Fine, I'll take it back-

America: I earned this, back off!

~~~

America: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.

Bulgaria: ...what happened?

America: I made a VERY bad mistake.

~~~

Bulgaria: America...

America: Oh no, 'America' in B flat.

America: You're disappointed.

~~~

*Bulgaria and America looking at a locked gate into a park*

Bulgaria: Aw. :(

America: You know what they say.

Bulgaria: Please don't-

America: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*

Bulgaria: Frick-

~~~

Bulgaria: I can't believe you've done this.....

America: I'm sorry I didn't know-!

Bulgaria, on the verge of tears: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE!

~~~

America: Bulgaria, I screwed up, big time.

Bulgaria: America, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.

~~~

Bulgaria: We'll find another route, it's not safe for amateur adventurers.

America: That sounds like a challenge.

Bulgaria: I have to stress, that is not a challenge.

America: ...Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted!

Bulgaria: There is no challenge!

Chapter Text

Illinois: When Indiana was born, the gods said, "They're too perfect for this world."

Kentucky: Please. When they were born, the devil said, "Oh, competition."

~~~

Kentucky, watching Michigan and Ohio fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?

Indiana, not bothered by the chaos: It's fine. They're too evenly matched to hurt each other.

Kentucky: Then... who's the strongest out of you three?

Michigan: Indiana.

Ohio: Indiana.

Indiana: Me.

~~~

Wisconsin: My head hurts.

Indiana: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

~~~

Michigan: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!

Indiana: And here we have a capitalist.

Illinois: Did you just-

Kentucky: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.

~~~

Wisconsin: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-

Ohio: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!

~~~

Ohio: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited.

Kentucky: "If"

Illinois: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to and they might not even die.

~~~

Minnesota: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.

~~~

Illinois: Hey Kentucky, I've got an idea for how to solve this.

Kentucky, pulling out a shotgun: Yeah?

Illinois: Wh- No! That's not the idea, Kentucky!

~~~

Ohio: They say that the most valuable things cost nothing.

Kentucky: They also say that being cheap is an annoying trait, so don't overuse that excuse.

~~~

Minnesota: Did you buy eggs like I asked?

Wisconsin: Even better!

Minnesota: What the fuck did you-

Wisconsin: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.

~~~

Minnesota: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*

Illinois: What did you do?!

Minnesota: NOBODY DIED!

Illinois: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

~~~

*The gang when they drop food on the floor*

Minnesota: Aw man. *Throws it away*

Ohio: Five second rule!

Kentucky: Foolish germs, thinking they can stop me!? *Eats it off the floor*

Wisconsin: *Sobs on the floor*

~~~

Kentucky: I honestly feel like some of our conversations here are almost word-for-word accurate to the generator.

Indiana: Yup.

Illinois: Maybe the generator is watching us.

Kentucky: Wouldn't that imply this conversation will be added?

Kentucky: ...

Kentucky: Wait—

~~~

Ohio: Seriously, I have no idea what to do.

Ohio: Oh, wait! Yahoo! Answers.

~~~

Ohio: All in all, a 100% successful trip.

Indiana: But we lost Michigan.

Ohio: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

~~~

Illinois: Don't weep for the stupid. You'll be crying all day.

~~~

Ohio: What makes you think it's okay to watch Hannibal given its subject matter?

Minnesota: Sometimes, I watch television shows for entertainment purposes.

Indiana: Because I condone murder and cannibalism.

~~~

Indiana: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.

Minnesota: Actually, Indiana, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

~~~

Minnesota: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?

Wisconsin: wHat?

Minnesota: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Wisconsin: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

~~~

Wisconsin: Michigan, what does IDK, ILY, and TTYL mean?

Michigan: I don't know, I love you, talk to you later.

Wisconsin: Alright, I love you too, I'll ask Ohio.

Michigan: Wait- Wisconsin, no-

~~~

Minnesota: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours.

Kentucky: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia.

Ohio: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred.

Indiana: You guys are fucking terrifying.

~~~

Minnesota: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.

Illinois: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.

~~~

Wisconsin: What's gone wrong, Illinois?

Illinois: Hey! That's one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I'm calling doesn't mean there's a crisis.

Wisconsin: That's technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?

Illinois: Well... There's a crisis.

~~~

Illinois: Damn, the power went out.

Indiana: Don't worry, I got this.

Indiana: *shakes rapidly and starts to light up*

Illinois: What-?

Indiana: I swallowed a glow stick!

Illinois, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-

~~~

Kentucky: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Ohio: >:O language

Minnesota: Yeah watch your fucking language

Michigan: Okay, who taught Minnesota the fuck word?!

Illinois: 'The fuck word'.

Indiana: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

Minnesota: Oh my god they censored it

Illinois: Say fuck, Indiana.

Minnesota: Do it, Indiana. Say fuck.

~~~

Kentucky: We need a plan to beat them.

Indiana: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.

Kentucky:

Indiana: Judge me all you want, I get results.

~~~

Ohio: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?

Minnesota: Maybe a bit tipsy?

Illinois: Drunk.

Michigan: Wasted.

Wisconsin: Dead.

~~~

Montana: Indiana isn't answering my messages.

Illinois: Allow me.

Montana: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi-

Indiana: *replying to message* Hello.

~~~

Illinois: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Indiana.

Montana: You just said it again.

Indiana:

Illinois: I am not a role model.

~~~

Illinois: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.

Montana: I think you mean cards.

Indiana: He did not.

Illinois, pulling out knives: I did not.

~~~

Montana: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it's doing to your body.

Indiana: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot.

Montana: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!

Illinois: Hmm... I've been drinking pop and my body's rust free... not sure where you're getting your facts from...

~~~

Illinois: Indiana is a perfect cinnamon scone who's never done anything wrong in their entire life!

Montana: Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE!

~~~

Montana: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!

Illinois: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Indiana, go find out if that thing can catch fire!

Montana: You're a bad influence.

Illinois: And you don't know your sayings.

~~~

Montana: Indiana, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you?

Indiana: Illinois, Montana wants you to get out of the house.

~~~

Illinois, grinning: Before you were what?

Montana: Before I was-

Illinois: What?

Montana: Before I was inter-

Illinois: Before you were interrupted?

Montana: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll-

Illinois: What?

Montana: *makes frustrated sound*

Indiana, nervously: Stop that. Before they hurt you.

~~~

Illinois: Guys, I have a question.

Indiana: kys <3

Illinois: I love you too.

Montana: Ah, yes. Siblings.

~~~

Montana: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.

Indiana: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

~~~

Indiana: So what's the plan?

Illinois: I don't know. You're smart, *points at Montana* they're mean, come up with something.

~~~

Colorado: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I'm actually bi.

~~~

Indiana: You've got to learn to love yourself.

Montana: But don't you hate yourself?

Indiana: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

~~~

Indiana: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.

Montana, used to Indiana being dumb: Sure...

Indiana: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

Montana: Okay?

Indiana: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.

Montana:

Indiana: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-

Montana: Jesus, that one is a little-

Illinois, interested: No, no, Indiana, keep going.

~~~

Kansas: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.

~~~

Kansas: Hey, are you okay?

California: Yeah.

Kansas: You don't look okay...

California: Then stop looking.

~~~

Kansas: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.

~~~

Kansas: Go to sleep or you'll hate yourself in the morning!

California: I'll hate my self in the morning regardless.

~~~

Kansas: When do you usually go to sleep?

California: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

~~~

Indiana: When's the last time you slept?

Ohio: Uh... a few days ago, I think.

Indiana: A few- how many?!

Ohio: Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers...

Indiana: What you need is sleep!

~~~

California: Are you reading fan fiction?

Kansas, reading an article about extremely rare diseases: Wh- No.

California: Oh, is it on AO3?

Kansas: This is CNN.

~~~

Kansas: Underestimate me. That'll be fun.

~~~

Kansas: What are your three best qualities?

California: I'm hot, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends (siblings).

~~~

Wisconsin: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.

Wisconsin: I will not yield.

~~~

California: I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a person.

~~~

California: Don't worry, I know exactly what I'm doing. Everything is going to be fine!

Kansas: How can you still say that?

California: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

~~~

California: *slams books down in front of Kansas*

California: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It's gonna be a long night.

Kansas: You could of said literally anything else.

California: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble.

Kansas: I'm going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won't win. I realize this now.

~~~

Kansas, trying their first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY!

California, an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds.

~~~

California: Like, no offense to myself and all, but what the fuck am I actually doing?

~~~

Kansas: You know what's funny about California? They're my best friend, and anyone who'd hurt them is someone I'd murder, probably.

~~~

Kansas: ...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it?

~~~

Michigan: How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn't see their reflection?

Wyoming: I've never considered it but you're really shining light on what's probably a very serious issue.

~~~

Idaho: Hey, what's the name of the guy who lives down the hall?

Florida: His cats' names are Walter and Rose.

Idaho: That's not what I asked.

Florida: That is all the information I have.

~~~

Florida: I'm totally useless.

Oregon: You're not totally useless.

Oregon: You can be used as a bad example.

~~~

Oklahoma: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.

Oklahoma: Violently practices.

Delaware: Violently studies.

Louisiana: Violently sleeps.

Pennsylvania: Violently shoots pictures.

Arkansas: Violently boxes.

Illinois: Violently murders people.

Louisiana: Violently worries about the previous statement.

~~~

New York : Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend.

~~~

Pennsylvania: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Colorado: They do.

Louisiana: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

~~~

Oregon, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

~~~

Texas: My expectations were low but holy fuck.

~~~

Arkansas: Life is like Rhode Island. It's short.

~~~

New York: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, New Jersey?

New Jersey: No.

Hawaii: I do!

New York: I know, Hawaii.

Hawaii: I'm sad.

New York: I know, Hawaii.

~~~

Colorado: Fruits that do not live up to their names; passionfruit, grapefruit, honeydew and dragonfruit.

Colorado: Fruits that do live up to their names?

Colorado: Orange.

~~~

Utah: Do you care if I take the skin off this Furby?

Utah: I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin a path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us.

Utah: I also want to softhack his circuits.

Delaware: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that ever again.

~~~

Alabama: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking.

Georgia, patting them on the back: Well, don't think too hard. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

~~~

New Mexico: Where are you going?

Arkansas: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.

~~~

Washington: Why is Minnesota crying?

New York: She saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-

Minnesota: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY!

Washington: Please don't say what I think you're gonna say-

Minnesota: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH!

Washington: NO, NOT THAT!

~~~

West Virginia: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this?

Nevada, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga.

~~~

New Jersey: Hey Minnesota?

Minnesota: Yeah?

New Jersey: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?

Minnesota:

Minnesota: ...What.

~~~

Massachusetts: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

~~~

Maryland: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-

Hawaii: It was me...

Maryland: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

~~~

Vermont: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

~~~

Hawaii, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.

~~~

Louisiana: I've never been in a snowball fight before. I don't know the rules.

Colorado: What?

Louisiana: Is there a point system, or is it to the death?

~~~

Michigan: Where's Indiana?

Nevada: Doing stuff.

Michigan: I don't like the sound of that. Where's Kentucky?

Nevada: Trying to stop Indiana from doing the stuff.

Michigan: And Idaho?

Nevada: Trying to stop Kentucky from stopping Indiana from doing the stuff.

Michigan: I see. And what are you doing here, Nevada?

Nevada: I'm supposed to stop you from stopping Idaho from stopping Kentucky from stopping Indiana from doing the stuff.

Chapter Text

Morocco: When was the last time you had water?

America: Caffeine has water in it so I'm fine.

~~~

Morocco: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing.

America: But ya' didn't!

~~~

Morocco: America, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?

America: Raise the dead.

Morocco: And what did you do?

America: Raise the dead.

~~~

Morocco, having just met America: I've only had him for a day, but if anything happens to America, I will murder eveyone in this room, and then myself.

~~~

Morocco: Why aren't you sleeping?

America: I'm to busy plotting your murder to sleep, Dad.

Morocco:

America: ...The nightmares.

Morocco: *Wrapping their arms around America* Awwww, sweetie-

~~~

America: Holy shit, Dad, do you know what this means?!

Morocco: Kid, whenever you start doing this, nobody knows what you mean.

~~~

America: I have a plan.

Morocco: I have the hospital on speed-dial.

~~~

Morocco: We all have our demons.

Morocco, grabbing America: This one's mine.

~~~

Morocco: Violence isn't the answer.

America: You're right.

Morocco: *Sighs in relief*

America: Violence is the question.

Morocco: What?

America, bolting away: And the answer is yes.

Morocco, running after them: NO-

~~~

Morocco: America, how could you possibly have gotten into this much trouble in one day?

America: It... It didn't take me the whole day...

Chapter Text

America: *On the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he'll talk, I'm at a parent teacher conference.

America: Anyways, you said Israel is enjoying finger painting! That's great.

~~~

UN: How many children do you have?

America: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

~~~

Kosovo: I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

~~~

Israel: The risk I took was calculated but, man, am I bad at math.

~~~

Liberia: *Locks Japan in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child.

Japan: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?

~~~

Philippines: We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.

Cuba: Scrabble? Scrabble's great.

Philippines: Not when you're playing with North Korea, it's not. They put words like "ephemeral" and I put "dog."

~~~

Cuba: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps you poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.

Cuba, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

~~~

Kosovo: Where did you get that tomato soup?

Germany: It's actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

~~~

North Korea: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give North Korea lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

~~~

Philippines: What's the dumbest thing you believed as a child?

NATO: That naptime was a punishment.

~~~

North Korea, gently nudging Palau aside with their foot: Palau, move out of the way so I don't trip on you.

Palau, their eyes enormous: You kick Palau? You kick their body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for North Korea! Jail for North Korea for one thousand years!

~~~

Cuba: "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."

Israel: Opposite over hypotenuse.

Israel: Dipshit.

~~~

Kosovo: Good morning.

South Korea: Good morning.

Philippines: Good morning.

Cuba: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.

Marshall: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

~~~

Micronesia: Don't worry, I know exactly what I'm doing. Everything is going to be fine!

Philippines: How can you still say that?

Micronesia: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

~~~

Palau: WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!!

Liberia: Palau-

Liberia: It- it was just an ant-

~~~

Liberia: BWWAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, you hear that? That's the wrong opinion alarm.

NATO: That is not something you actually have installed.

Liberia: Sorry, say again? I couldn't hear you over my alarm that YOU SET OFF with your WRONG-ASS OPINION.

~~~

Kosovo: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

~~~

Liberia: You have to apologize to Marshall!

North Korea: Fine!

North Korea: Unfuck you, or whatever!

~~~

Micronesia: So, did everyone learn their lesson?

NATO: No.

Marshall: I did not.

Philippines: I may have actually forgotten one.

Palau: Also no.

Micronesia: Oh good, neither did I.

Germany: *Exhausted sigh*

~~~

Kosovo: Do you want to play 20 Questions?

Israel: Sure!

Israel: Whats your favorite color?

Kosovo, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like men?

~~~

Kosovo: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-

South Korea: Awwww, you're so adorable! Give me a hug~

Kosovo: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-

Liberia, recording: This is so cute.

~~~

Israel: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gunna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?

NATO: Why should I feed you if your just gunna die anyways?

Israel:

Israel: I'll go make my bed-

~~~

NATO: I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a person.

~~~

Japan: Kosovo, I am questioning your sanity...

NATO: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.

Chapter Text

America: Rules were made to be broken.

UK: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

New Zealand: Uh, piñatas.

France: Glow sticks.

Canada: Karate boards.

Australia: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

America: Rules.

UK:

~~~

New Zealand: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Mom and Dad's convo?

America: Me. I'm in the laundry basket.

Australia: I'm in the washing machine.

Canada: I'm in the closet.

America: We accept you Canada. <3

Canada: No I'm literally in the closet.

America: Love is love. <3

~~~

UK: Christmas lights?

France: Check.

Australia: Thermos of hot cocoa?

France: Check.

New Zealand: Santa suits?

France: Check.

Canada: Shovel?

France: Check.

America: Alibi and bail money?

France: Check- wait, WHAT?!

~~~

America: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Mom (France) periodically send me texts saying 'we need to talk.'

America: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

~~~

France: My expectations are low, but they can always go lower.

~~~

Australia: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

~~~

America: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep.

~~~

Canada: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

America: Mine just says "America no."

Canada: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

~~~

America: The 'how the fucks' and 'why are you so dumbs' don't matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun.

~~~

France: What's your favorite color?

UK: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature.

France: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?

UK: My favorite color is blue.

~~~

UK: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

America: Please, just say fuck.

~~~

America: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: 'I am very proud of you. Love, France'*

Canada: Oh yeah. I didn't think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: 'Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.'*

~~~

France: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.

UK: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.

France: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.

New Zealand, on a walkie talkie: This is New Zealand, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.

~~~

UK: What do we say when making bread?

Canada, glumly: That's the dough rising.

UK: And what do we NOT say?

America, sadly: That's the yeast fucking.

~~~

America: I tried to write 'I'm a functional adult' but my phone changed it to 'fictional adult' and i feel like that's more accurate.

~~~

America, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

~~~

Australia: I'm not creepy.

Australia: I'm petty.

Australia: There's a difference, ya' know.

~~~

New Zealand: If I fall down these stairs, I'm just going to lay down and accept my fate.

~~~

America: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.

America: That's why I own TEN guns.

America: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

~~~

Australia: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, and you're forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck? No one ever asked me if I want to be a duck!

~~~

Australia: I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me first.

~~~

America: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves.

~~~

Canada: Wow, left handed AND British? You really are an illusion.

~~~

New Zealand: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to burn your house down.

~~~

France: Hey, are you okay?

New Zealand: Yeah.

France: You don't look okay...

New Zealand: Then stop looking.

~~~

America: You read my diary?

France: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

~~~

New Zealand: What are you drinking?

America: Vodka.

New Zealand: Straight?

America: No, gay. Why?

~~~

UK: Ew. What kind of tea is this?

New Zealand: I boiled gatorade.

~~~

America: So you're looking for information on this thing, huh? Well, I feel like it must be from far away.

Canada: What makes you say that?

America: If it's something even I don't know about, then I'm sure nobody else must have a clue. So it's gotta be from some faraway place. Impeccable reasoning, isn't it?

Canada: America... You don't have a clue about this thing, do you?

America: *screams in anger*

~~~

UK: I don't know, it's not my cup of tea.

France: Well then whose is it?

UK, staring at a cup of tea: I don't know!

~~~

New Zealand: So, what's for dinner?

Australia, staring at the food they burnt: Regret.

~~~

France: Some of us are still 'it' from a childhood game of tag.

New Zealand: Way to just fuck me up on a Tuesday.

~~~

America: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean.

UK: No, go ahead. I want to hear it.

America: It sucks.

UK: That's not constructive criticism.

~~~

UK: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house.

America: Is there any kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?

~~~

France: UK, you love me, right?

UK: Normally I'd say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won't like.

~~~

France: UK just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.

~~~

Australia, T-posing in the doorway: Greetings, UK.

UK, not looking up from their coffee: Good morning, problem child.

~~~

UK: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much?

Canada: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!

UK: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!!

Canada: You take that back!!!

UK: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.

~~~

UK: Well Australia, I have to say, I'm really disappointed.

Australia: Well, you didn't HAVE to say it. You could've just thought it.

~~~

New Zealand: Everyone, calm down! We're grown-ups, let's deal with this like adults!

America: So, we're just going to wing it and hope for the best?

New Zealand: Obviously. Now, Australia, pass the shovel.

~~~

Australia: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.

UK: What's wrong with you??

Australia: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.

Canada: No, he means other than that.

Australia: Ohhhhhh.

Australia: I haven't slept in 4 days.

~~~

France: America is a perfect cinnamon scone who's never done anything wrong in his entire life!

UK: Never done anything wrong?! He set a city block on FIRE!

~~~

Australia: Adulting is hard.

Australia: How do I quit?

France: Time travel.

Canada: Die.

~~~

Canada: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours.

New Zealand: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia.

America: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred.

UK: You guys are fucking terrifying.

~~~

America, watching UK & France panic : What's going on?

New Zealand: Dad is having a midlife crisis and Mom is just having a crisis.

~~~

France: How do America and Australia usually get out of these messes?

Canada: They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.

~~~

Australia: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.

America: No, that's not how you make cookies.

New Zealand: FLOOR IT!!

Australia: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?

America: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-

Australia: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!

France: DO IT!

America: NO-

~~~

France: Canada's first detention, I'm so proud.

Australia: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention?

UK: Because they're an idiot.

New Zealand, terrified: They can do that??

~~~

France: Who the fuck broke the toaster?

Canada: It was America.

New Zealand: It was America.

Australia: America broke it.

America:

America: ...yOU PROMISED-

~~~

France: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Canada, America, Australia, and New Zealand: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

~~~

*Thoughts on stabbing*

Canada: Would never stab anyone.

UK: Would stab someone in retaliation.

Australia: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.

New Zealand: Would stab without warning.

America: Would stab as a warning.

~~~

*The Family is on the bus, and a child is crying*
New Zealand: *rolls eyes to the sky*

America: *makes funny faces to get them to stop*

Canada: *puts their earphones on at 100% volume*

France: *doesn't mind, doesn't bother*

UK: *is the reason they're crying*

Australia: *enjoys in silence*

~~~

France: So, did everyone learn their lesson?

Canada: No.

America: I did not.

Australia: I may have actually forgotten one.

New Zealand: Also no.

France: Oh good, neither did I.

UK: *Exhausted sigh*

~~~

*The Family with cigarettes*

France: I smoke regularly.

America: I smoke sparingly.

UK: I smoked once, but I didn't care for it.

Australia: I've never smoked, but the idea intrigues me.

Canada: I've never smoked, and I refuse to do so.

New Zealand: What's a cigarette?

~~~

*the family at Disneyland, in the teacups*

Canada, New Zealand, and UK: *spinning a little and talking*

America, Australia, and France: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*

~~~

*when the family drops food*

UK: Eh, oh well.

Canada: FIVE-SECOND RULE!

America: FUCK!

Australia: *just gets more food*

New Zealand: *drops to their knees and mourns the food*

France: *eats the food off the ground*

Chapter Text

America: I am a being of pure chaos and destruction.

Soviet: I know this, and I love you for it.

~~~

Soviet: You put me through so much suffering that it would have killed a lesser man.

America: Well you did die so it's nice to know that you're at least self-aware.

~~~

Soviet: America, Babe, are you feeling alright?. You haven't tried to stop my evil plans for a while and im getting worried :(

~~~

America: Soviet, Babe, are you feeling alright?. You haven't tried to stop my evil plans for a while and im getting worried :(

~~~

Soviet: Has anyone told you how beautiful your eyes are?

America: Most people don't look me in the eyes at all.

~~~

Soviet: If you ever do something like that again, I'll beat your ass myself

America: Noted

~~~

America: You can call me a villain if that makes things easier.

Soviet: You seeing reason would make things easier.

~~~

America: How was your day?

Soviet: Nice. Why do you ask?

America: Because I wanted to make sure you had a nice last day before I kill you

~~~

Soviet: You're an idiot.

America: Takes one to know one.

~~~

America: Aw, you're so sweet to me. Be careful or else some might begin to think you have feelings for me.

Soviet with a neutral expression: I do.

America: what?

~~~

America: BE A BETTER PERSON!

Soviet: WHY?!

America: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME SWEETHEART!

~~~

Soviet, grumbling: You're stupid.

America, smiling: Yes I am!

~~~

America: Everyone can die for all I care.

Soviet smiles at America

America: everyone but them.

~~~

Soviet (concerning their relationship with America): I have been slowly going through the five stages of grief one by one.

America: *does some crazy dumb shit in the background*.

Soviet: And I am finally at acceptance.

~~~

Soviet: Remind me why I'm doing this again?

America: Because you love me.

Soviet: ah, right.

~~~

America: What if the 'g' in 'gif' is silent?

Soviet: Go the fuck to sleep

America: What gif I don't want to?

Soviet: Fuck You

~~~

America: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Soviet: America, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

~~~

America: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment!

Soviet: Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!

~~~

America: That was so hot, Soviet.

Soviet: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.

America: I'm so in love with you.

~~~

Soviet: Wait, you like me?? For my personality???

America: I know, I was surprised too.

~~~

America: Are we fighting or flirting?

Soviet: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

America: Your point?

~~~

America: So you like cats?

Soviet: Yeah.

America: *tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table*

~~~

America: We have a problem.

Soviet: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

~~~

America: *seductively takes off glasses*

America: Wow...

Soviet: *blushes* Haha... what?

America: You're really fucking blurry.

~~~

America: I love you <3

Soviet: Awwwwwwww-

Soviet: I love you too, babe <3

Soviet: Wait...

Soviet: WHAT'D YOU DO?!

America: Nothing

Soviet: Then why'd you add the heart, when that's my thing

America: Because I love you so much!

Soviet: No, you only ever add the heart when you do something bad

America: Uhhhhhhhhh...

Soviet: America, what'd you do?

America: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Soviet: WHAT DID YOU DO?!-

~~~

Soviet: Am I gonna be okay?

America: No. You're in a relationship with me. Nothing will ever be okay.

~~~

Soviet: I think we should kiss.

America: And I think you should die but we don't always get what we want.

~~~

America: I think we should kiss.

Soviet: And I think you should die but we don't always get what we want.

~~~

Soviet: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.

America: This is a lie.

America: I'm literally dating him. This is a lie.

America: HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

~~~

America: Soviet is playing hard to get.

America: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

~~~

America: Dude-

Soviet: No, no, hold up, rewind.

Soviet: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me dude??

~~~

America, to Soviet: We had a date!

America: *aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book*

~~~

America: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box.

Canada: Did Soviet say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'?

America: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL–

~~~

America: Well, remember when Soviet made a romantic dinner for me?

Canada: Ame, he microwaved you a pizza.

Chapter Text

Soviet: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

America: Which came first, the orange or the orange?

Mexico: Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago.

Canada: What was the color called before then?

Bulgaria: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white!

~~~

Mexico: What do rainbows mean to you?

Soviet: Gay rights.

Canada: There's money.

Bulgaria: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood.

America: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

~~~

Soviet: What's the worst thing you guys have done?

Canada: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.

Bulgaria: I kicked Mexico in the shin-

Mexico: -So I kicked Bulgaria between the legs.

America: I burned a town down.

Soviet: What?!

Mexico: What the hell is wrong with you?!?

America: A lot of things.

Bulgaria: No shit.

~~~

Canada: What makes you all smile?

America: Friends and Family.

Bulgaria: Snacks.

Mexico: Victory and success.

Soviet: Face muscles.

~~~

America: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.

Soviet: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.

America: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.

Bulgaria: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.

Mexico: Looks like someone's a HO.

Soviet: NaBrO.

Canada: I'm done with all of you!

~~~

Mexico: Canada's first detention, I'm so proud.

Soviet: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention?

Bulgaria: Because they're an idiot.

America, terrified: They can do that??

~~~

Canada: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?

America: Take them!

Mexico: Punch them in the neck!

Bulgaria: Say thank you!

Soviet: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!

Canada: ...

Canada: No.

~~~

Bulgaria: How do you connect with a fictional character?

Canada: What?

Soviet: What?

Mexico: What?

America: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

~~~

Bulgaria: What's something you guys are better than Soviet at?

Canada: Mario Kart.

Mexico: Yeah, video games.

America: Emotional vulnerability.

(btw, America's really bad at emotional vulnerability too)

~~~

Soviet: Good morning.

Canada: Good morning.

Bulgaria: Good morning.

America: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.

Mexico: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

~~~

Bulgaria: Why isn't the statue smirking at me?

Canada: It isn't smirking at anyone, they're all just imagining it.

Mexico: Three of us saw it, Canada. How do you explain that?

Canada: *points at Mexico* Sleep deprivation. *points at Soviet* Paranoia. *points at America* Delusional personality disorder.

~~~

Bulgaria: What do you guys do when you're stressed?

Canada: Try and calm myself down!

Soviet: Sleep.

Mexico: Get myself into even more stress, so that the first reason for my stress gets cancelled out.

America: I don't.

~~~

America: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.

Soviet: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Bulgaria: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Mexico: I joined you in the dumb stuff.

Canada: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

~~~

Canada: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Mexico, Bulgaria, America, and Soviet: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

~~~

Mexico, about Soviet and America: My god, would you two just get a room already?

America: Excuse me, Mexico?

Mexico: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?

Soviet: ...

Bulgaria: I ship it!

Canada: CAN YOU NOT?

~~~

Soviet: Mexico is okay.

Bulgaria: They're okay? They said they were going to break my legs! And don't tell me they didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause they gave me the mackerel eyes, they meant it!

Soviet: Bulgaria, Mexico threatened me. They threaten America every day. They probably threatened Canada before breakfast this morning. It's what they do. Grow a pair.

~~~

Soviet: Are we really going to let Mexico keep Bulgaria?

America: We kept Canada.

~~~

Soviet: Where's America?

Canada: Doing stuff.

Soviet: I don't like the sound of that. Where's Bulgaria?

Canada: Trying to stop America from doing the stuff.
Soviet: And Mexico?

Canada: Trying to stop Bulgaria from stopping America from doing the stuff.

Soviet: I see. And what are you doing here, Canada?

Canada: I'm supposed to stop you from stopping Mexico from stopping Bulgaria from stopping America from doing the stuff.

~~~

Bulgaria: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food!

America: You can eat a rock.

Canada: Air.

Soviet: The fabric of time and space.

Mexico: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.

Bulgaria: You guys are not helpful.

~~~

Canada: What does "take out" mean?

Soviet: Food.

Bulgaria: Dating.

Mexico: Murder.

America: It can be all three if you're brave enough.

~~~

*Everyone is giving advice to Mexico*

Canada: It's okay to ask for help.

Bulgaria: You're not a burden.

America: Murder is okay.

Soviet: Your feelings matter.

~~~

Mexico: I am an expert at identifying birds.

Canada: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?

Mexico: Yeah, they're all birds.

~~~

Mexico: *holding a salt packet* It's just a little sodium chloride.

America: Actually Mexico, it's salt.

Mexico: That's what I said, sodium chloride.

America: Uh Mexico, that would be salt.

America: *takes salt packer from Mexico* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.

~~~

America: I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW!

~~~

America: You're alive.

Soviet: No need to sound so disappointed.

~~~

Bulgaria: I have no respect for Santa. Don't sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

~~~

America: Soviet has only knocked me out three time this week. Our friendship is really developing.

~~~

Soviet: You have Crayons?

America: Yes, I have—

Soviet: You're— how old are you?

America: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

~~~

Mexico: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Bulgaria's birthday invitations.

America: Well, what are they supposed to say?

Mexico: "Bulgaria's birthday".

America: So, what do they say instead?

Mexico: "Bulgaria's bi".

America:

America: Works out either way.

~~~

Soviet: You know, America, you are the sun in my life.

America: Why? Cause I'm smoking hot?

Soviet: Because it hurts my eyes looking at you.

~~~

Bulgaria: Sweet dog you got there.

Police: Yes, this is our new drug sniffing dog.

Bulgaria: Still training huh?

Police: What do you mean?

Bulgaria:

Bulgaria: Never mind.

~~~

Mexico: I've been expecting you, America.

America: How did you do that without turning around?

Mexico: Let's just say the first few people I did that to were not you.

~~~

Canada: How the hell are you still alive?

America: Honestly, I'm just as confused as you are.

~~~

Canada: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!

Soviet: You left me, America, and Bulgaria in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.

Canada: I did that on purpose, try again.

~~~

America: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

~~~

Bulgaria: Tell Mexico off, Canada! Assert yourself!

Canada: That's my ice cream!

Bulgaria: Good! Now let them have it!!

Canada, handing Mexico the ice cream: Here, you can have it!

~~~

America: What's two plus two?

Canada: Math.

America: ...I will accept that answer.

~~~

Bulgaria: Why would anyone want to harm Canada?

America: Maybe because they met them?

~~~

Bulgaria: Everything's fine, Mexico.

Mexico: Bulgaria, I know your relationship with the english language is strictly casual, but you- I- *deep inhale* ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT'S NOT FINE.

~~~

America: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Canada: Weight loss? Drink water.

Bulgaria: Clear skin? Drink water.

Soviet: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

~~~

Soviet: Sometimes, I don't realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

~~~

*Comments under an image of a really hot knife cutting bread*

Soviet: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife.

America: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful.

Bulgaria: if you want information it is

Mexico: why would you STAB a person when you can have TOAST?

~~~

Mexico: Tommorrow's garbage day.

Canada: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.

~~~

Canada: So I have made the decision to trust you.

America: A horrible decision, really.

~~~

America: Uptown Funk would've made it into the Shrek Soundtrack.

Bulgaria: That's the truest statement I've ever heard.

~~~

*Soviet recording whilst Mexico and America are arguing*

Mexico: HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP!! HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER? A PRINCESS! THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST, BRO!

Soviet: *wheezes like a tea kettle*

America, pulling out a knife: I'm gonna stab them.

Mexico: YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG?

America: It's my favorite movi-

Mexico: SHE WORE A CROWN AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE, AMERICA!

America: I'm not fighting with you, I'm not fighting with y-

Mexico: GROW UP, BRO. GROW UP!

~~~

Soviet: I was put on this earth to do one thing.

Soviet: Luckily I forgot what it was so I can do whatever I want.

~~~

Bulgaria: What happened to your nose?

Mexico: I used it to break some guy's fist.

~~~

America: My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

~~~

Canada, to Mexico: You're not Mario. Lets get something fucking straight, you're Luigi at best.

~~~

Mexico: Christmas is cancelled.

Bulgaria: You can't cancel a holiday.

Mexico: Keep it up, Bulgaria, and you'll lose New Year's too.

Bulgaria: What does that mean?

Mexico: Canada, take New Year's away from Bulgaria.

~~~

America: It's not gonna work, I'm not a snitch.

Cop: Fine, let's try something else. Tag a friend you recently committed a crime with.

America: Lmao, @Soviet.

~~~

Mexico: Do you think I'm ugly?

America: It's not about looks, Mexico. What's valuable is on the inside...

Mexico: America...

America: For example, someone's heart.

Mexico: Aw... Stop it-

America: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know.

Mexico: Seriously, stop.

~~~

Bulgaria: Met a dumbass today. Awful.

Canada: You looked in a mirror?

Bulgaria: someday you will have to answer for your actions and god may not be so merciful.

~~~

Soviet: What's worse than a heartbreak?

Mexico: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you're sorry.

~~~

Bulgaria: Okay, two person huddle.

America: You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug.

~~~

Bulgaria: That sounds super! Doesn't that sound super, America?

America: No.

Bulgaria: I think I speak for America when I say it sounds really super.

~~~

Canada, reading a recipe: Beat three eggs?

Soviet: It means like in hand-to-hand combat.

Canada: Ohhhh-

America: Both of you get out of this kitchen.

~~~

Soviet: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

~~~

Bulgaria: Mexico, don't go picking a fight with America. Don't forget, they're powerful, they could make life difficult for you.

Mexico: Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life.

~~~

America: Bulgaria, are you drinking... drinking hydrogen peroxide?!

Bulgaria: It says H2O2! That means it's the sequel to water!

~~~

Mexico: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

~~~

America: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.

Canada: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

~~~

America: How does one turn their emotions off?

Bulgaria: Okay, so first go to settings.

Bulgaria: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.

America: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

~~~

Canada: *watching the squad's shenanigans with concern* Do you feel like this has gotten out of hand?

Soviet: I don't know. Feels normal enough for a group that's on 911's blocked callers list.

~~~

America: Would you like something to drink? *They open the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-

Mexico: Spiders?

America: Spiders it is then.

Mexico: No, that wasn't-

*But they were already pouring them a brimming glass of spiders...*

~~~

Soviet: America... you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now.

America: *muffled* mm hmmm :)

Soviet: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable.

~~~

*playing twister*

America: Right hand red.

Mexico: *ends up on top of Canada*

Canada: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

America: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

~~~

America: I wish I was a cat, but not in a furry kinda way, more like a "I can sleep all day and hit people with no consequences" kinda way.

~~~

Soviet: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it.

America: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.

Mexico: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE!

~~~

Bulgaria: I trusted you!

Mexico: Why?

~~~

Canada: Fight me!

America, standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

~~~

America: Why do you not believe that ghosts are real?

Bulgaria: Never seen one.

America: Okay, I mean, there's a lot of things that you can't see that are real.

Bulgaria: What can't I see?

America: You can't see gravity. That's real.

Bulgaria: Yeah, I can drop an apple.

America: Fuck.

~~~

America: Who the fuck-

Soviet: Language!

America: Whom the fuck-

Soviet: No.

~~~

America: Mexico just insisted Canada and I remember a code word in case we're ever confronted by their clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we're not sure which is the real them and which is the imposter.

America: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

~~~

America: Yeah I'm LGBT.

America: cuLt leader.

America: God hates me personally.

America: cowBoy hat.

America: *sniffles* Trying my best.

~~~

Canada: We call that a traumatic experience.

Canada, turning to America: Not a "bruh moment".

Canada, turning to Soviet: Not "sadge".

Canada, turning to Mexico: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO".

~~~

America: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

~~~

Bulgaria: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember America, taken from us in the prime of life; when they were crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.

America: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

~~~

America: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Mexico: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

~~~

Canada: Come on, Bulgaria. Nobody actually believes that Mexico is in love with me.

Bulgaria, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that Mexico is helplessly in love with Canada.

*Everyone raises their hand*

Canada: Mexico, put your hand down.

~~~

Mexico: I need to dye my hair.

Bulgaria: ...

Mexico: Or get another tattoo.

Bulgaria: ...

Mexico: Or a new piercing.

Bulgaria: Why?

Mexico: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

~~~

Canada: Everyone, calm down! We're grown-ups, let's deal with this like adults!

America: So, we're just going to wing it and hope for the best?

Canada: Obviously. Now, Soviet, pass the shovel.

~~~

America: I'm a reverse necromancer.

Canada: Isn't that just killing people?

America: Ah, technically.

~~~

Soviet: If there's one thing I learned from America, it's to set people's expectations real low, so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.

~~~

America: Do you guys hear something?

Bulgaria: I hear the sound of you shutting the fuck up.

~~~

America: I've been here in jail so long I think I've lost my mind.

America: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.

America: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?

Canada: This is Monopoly.

~~~

Soviet: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

America: Mine just says "America no."

Soviet: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

~~~

Canada: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Mexico: Mine just says "Mexico no."

Canada: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

~~~

Bulgaria: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

America: *crouches down*

Soviet: *kneels down*

Canada: *sits on the floor*

Bulgaria:

Bulgaria: I hate all of you.

~~~

Bulgaria: Hey, no, you stay out of this, this is between me and Canada!

Mexico: So Canada knows about this?

Bulgaria, walking away: No, this is between me and me!

~~~

Mexico: Would you take a bullet for me?

Canada: ...yes?

*America angrily burst into the room*

Mexico: *running away* Great, thanks!

~~~

Bulgaria: *Gives a bouquet to Mexico*

Mexico: You know I'm allergic.

Bulgaria: That's the point.

~~~

Mexico: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.

~~~

Mexico: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!

Canada: Hey- what are you doing-?

Mexico, shoving an oreo into their mouth: I am saving space :D

~~~

Mexico: You have friends and I envy that.

America: You're welcome to share my friends.

Mexico: *looks at Canada and Bulgaria*

Mexico: I don't want those.

~~~

Mexico: I can't believe there's a cat somewhere in my house. Amazing feeling. Love cats. And he's here, in my house! Somewhere! And I may encounter him! What a treat.

~~~

Bulgaria: Wake me up-

Mexico: Before you go go

Canada: When September ends

America: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

~~~

*America rushes by with an armful of water bottles*

Soviet: What's going on?

Bulgaria: America wouldn't drink water.

Soviet: ...And?

Bulgaria: And I asked them how fast they could chug an entire bottle.

America, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!

~~~

Soviet: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.

America: No, that's not how you make cookies.

Mexico: FLOOR IT!!

Soviet: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?

America: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-

Soviet: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!

Canada: DO IT!

America: NO-

~~~

Soviet: I've invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...

Mexico, nodding: Knife Monopoly.

Soviet: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

~~~

America: Hey, you want a tarot reading?

Bulgaria: Those are Pokemon cards.

America: You got a magikarp.

Bulgaria: ...

America: It means 'fuck you'.

~~~

America: The first time Mexico opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"

~~~

Mexico: WHO THE FUCK-

Canada: Whoa, language!

Mexico: I speak fucking English!

Canada: ...

~~~

Mexico: America, what do you have?

America: A KNIFE!

Mexico: Okay, have fu-

Canada: NO!

~~~

America: Don't worry, I have a permit.

Canada: ...This just says "I can do what I want".

Chapter Text

*The gang's thoughts on stabbing*

Palau: Would never stab anyone.

Micronesia: Would stab someone in retaliation.

Philippines: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.

NATO: Would stab without warning.

Marshall Islands: Would stab as a warning.

~~~

Marshall Islands, to the squad: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you're doing it all wrong.

~~~

Palau: Money... Is like president trading cards.

~~~

Palau: *falls down the stairs*

NATO: Are you okay?

Micronesia: Stop falling down the stairs!

Marshall Islands: How'd the ground taste?

~~~

NATO: How did none of you hear what I just said?!

Micronesia: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Philippines: I got distracted halfway through.

Liberia: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

~~~

*Liberia and NATO playing minecraft*

Liberia: Oh no, oh no, oh no-

NATO: What's wrong?

Liberia: I did a thing.

NATO: You regret the thing you dID-

Liberia: *screams*

NATO: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-

Liberia: *screams again*

~~~

Liberia: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE!

Japan: *Climbing* THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!

~~~

Liberia: Quitting! It's like trying, but easier.

~~~

NATO: Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead!

~~~

Liberia: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

NATO: Killed without hesitation.

~~~

NATO: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

~~~

Liberia: I've only had NATO for a day and a half but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

~~~

Liberia: I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on.

~~~

*NATO is speaking on the phone*

NATO: Yeah, I'm with Liberia.

Liberia: Im fucking dying-

NATO: Yep, they're okay.

Liberia: I have a knife in my chest!

NATO: No, they can't talk right now. They're sleeping, sorry.

Liberia: IM BLEEDING OUT-

~~~

Liberia: If you spell skeletons backwards, it still spells skeletons.

NATO, deadpan: Wow, I can't wait for Halloween to see some snoteleks.

~~~

NATO: I'm so excited!

Liberia: We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy...

NATO: And have the biggest stomach aches ever!

Liberia: Yeah!

~~~

Liberia: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.

NATO: I almost died.

Liberia: That... was my favorite memory.

~~~

NATO: Liberia, you risked your life to save me!

Liberia: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.

~~~

NATO: That's not funny.

Liberia: I thought it was funny.

NATO: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

~~~

NATO: I am a responsible adult!

Liberia: *raises brow*

NATO: I am an adult.

~~~

NATO: War is heck!

~~~

NATO: Liberia likes to say 'you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,' but I happen to believe you can be both.

~~~

NATO: How's practice going?

Liberia: Terrible. I want to stab everybody there.

NATO: Okay, just don't get any blood on your clothes.

Liberia: ...you shouldn't be condoning this.

NATO: Don't tell me how to live my life.

~~~

*Liberia and NATO are planning to break in somewhere*

Liberia: We need to distract the guards.

NATO: Right.

Liberia: What are we gonna do?

NATO: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes.

Liberia:

NATO:

Liberia: Deal.

~~~

NATO: Are you tall enough to play basketball though?

Liberia: Are you calling me short?

NATO: I'm calling you vertically challenged.

~~~

Liberia: When do you usually go to sleep?

NATO: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

~~~

NATO: State your name, rank, and intention.

Liberia: Liberia, Liberia, fun.

~~~

Liberia: You're mean!

NATO: You're meaner!

Liberia: Yeah, well, you're ugly too!

NATO: You're uglier!

Liberia: You're a dumbass!

NATO: You're a dumberass!

Liberia: You think "dumberass" is a good insult!

~~~

Liberia: Where are you going?

NATO: Hell, eventually.

~~~

Cop: What are your names?

Liberia: Don't tell them, NATO.

Cop, writing: NATO...

Liberia: Crap.

NATO: Nice going, Liberia.

Cop:

NATO: Uh oh.

~~~

Argentina: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.

Brazil: But what if something else happens just this one time.

~~~

Argentina walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Brazil, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.

Brazil, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

~~~

Brazil: Argentina, do you love me?

Argentina: Of course I do!

Brazil: Would you still love me if I did something bad?

Argentina: Well, of course I... would...

Brazil: I mean something really, really—

Argentina: Brazil, what did you do?

~~~

Argentina: I don't mean to be rude—

Brazil: Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often.

~~~

Argentina: What are you planning to do?

Brazil: Hey, now. "Planning"?! Do you KNOW who you're talking to?!

~~~

Argentina: Ah ready for another fantastic day of being better than Brazil.

~~~

Brazil: Ah ready for another fantastic day of being better than Argentina.

~~~

Argentina: Brazil, no.

Brazil: Brazil, yes.

~~~

Argentina: I have a problem.

Brazil: If it's harder than 2+2, I can't help.

~~~

Brazil: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos.

Brazil: Oh no, where did it go?

Argentina: BRAZIL WHAT THE FUCK?!

~~~

Brazil: What doesn't kill me better start running, because now I'm fucking pissed.

~~~

Brazil: And what do I get out of this?

Argentina: I will give you a dollar.

Brazil: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar!

Argentina: How bout two dollars?

Brazil: You got yourself a deal.

~~~

Brazil: *Texts a selfie to the group chat* Hey besties!!

Argentina: *Texts a selfie clearly parodying Brazil's* hey besties !!1!

Brazil: I literally hate you so much.

~~~

Brazil: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.

~~~

Argentina: Anything else?

Brazil: Yeah. Stay away from me!

Argentina: Alright. See you in the room we share.

~~~

Argentina: Did you ever have like a pet run away and find it or anything?

Brazil: I had a lizard that I burnt.

~~~

Brazil: Do dragons fart fire?

Argentina: I don't know.

Brazil: I thought you went to college.

~~~

Bolivia: Is it still visible? Where Peruvia slapped me?
Peru: Your face looks like a don't walk signal.

Argentina: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box.

Brazil: A palm reader could tell Peruvia's future by looking at your face.

Chile: The phrase 'talk to teh hand cause the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face.

Bolivia: ...A simple 'yes' would've sufficed.

~~~

Peru: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*

Chile: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents.

Peru: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you.

Argentina: Actually I did the math, Chile would have $225, not $0.15.

Chile: Fam I'm right here....

Brazil: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)

Peru: while you're there could you buy me an apply juice please?

Brazil: Sorry I only have a dollar.

Peru: :(

Argentina: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Chile would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent.

Brazil: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice.

Argentina: You can buy anything you want with $22,500.

Bolivia: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice.

Argentina: Apply juice to what.

Bolivia: Directly to the forehead.

Chile: Great chat everyone.

~~~

Peruvia: Argentina is so...

Chile: Annoying?

Brazil: Cute?

Bolivia: Funny?

Peru: Weird?

Peruvia: I don't know, maybe if y'all let me FINISH for ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'd tell you!

~~~

*the Squad at Disneyland, in the teacups*
Bolivia, Peru, and Peruvia: *spinning a little and talking*

Argentina, Brazil, and Chile: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*

~~~

Bolivia: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Chile, watching Brazil screaming, Peruvia trying to set a sleeping Peru on fire, and Argentina choking on air: I don't know either.

~~~

*Squad reactions to being told 'I love you'*

Brazil: Thanks fam!

Argentina: Oh no.

Peru: *cries* I love you too.

Peruvia: Sounds fake, but okay.

Chile: *A flustered mess*

Bolivia: Can I get a refund?

~~~

Peru: *standing at the top of the stairs* What are y'all doing at the bottom of the staircase?

Chile: I accidentally fell down.

Bolivia: BRAZIL PUSHED ME down the stairs because I refuse to pay THEIR part of our rent!

Peruvia: Chile bet me fifty bucks that I couldn't reach the bottom of the stairs faster than they did falling down it, so I slide down the banister to get my money.

Argentina: I don't know how I got here. One moment, I was sleeping in my bed, three floors up, and then suddenly I was waking up here, just in time to get crushed by Peruvia.

~~~

Peru: Nothing in life is free.

Argentina: Love is free.

Chile: Knowledge is free.

Bolivia: Friendship is free.

Peruvia: Self-respect is free.

Brazil: Everything's free if you don't pay for it.

The Squad: ...

Chile: Brazil, that's illegal-

Peru: No, let them finish!

~~~

Chile: You know, when Bolivia comes over, Peruvia can get a little...

Argentina: Psycho?

Brazil: Scary?

Peru: Drunk?

Chile: All three.

~~~

Brazil: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.

Peru: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.

Chapter Text

Portugal: I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit.

~~~

Monaco, furious: What do you mean we have homework tonight? I have books to read.

~~~

Spain: Like they say, "If you can't beat them, curl up in a ball and protect your organs."

~~~

*Monaco and France are texting*

Monaco: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste. NONE.

France: I got spring water.

Monaco: NO!

France: With EXTRA minerals!

France: It's like licking a stalagmite!

Monaco: DON'T COME HOME!

France: Mmmmmm, cave water.

~~~

Andorra: Help! I'm drowning!

Spain: Calm down. We're only in six feet of water!

Andorra: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!

~~~

Andorra: I'm very scary.

France: You're about as scary as a wet kitten.

Andorra: Wet kittens are cute, at least I've got that going for me.

France: And small.

Andorra:

Andorra: ...Yeah, yeah. I guess.

~~~

UK: I hope you have an explanation for this.

France: We have three actually-

Spain: Pick your favorite.

~~~

Spain: Strawberry milk doesn't taste like strawberry OR milk.

Monaco: Go the fuck to sleep Spain.

~~~

Portugal: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.

Spain: That's great, Portugal. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.

~~~

UK: Do you want some tea?

France: What are the options?

UK: Yes or no.

~~~

UK: What is this!?

Spain: That's the weight of guilt. Give in to the nice side. Help those unfortunate, and make the guilt go away, my friend.

UK: Ow! Make it stop!

Spain: Surrender to your kindness, UK. It's nice to be nice.

UK: Your guilt is strong, my friend. But it is no match for the power of my selfishness!

~~~

France: I'm going to hell.

UK: Probably.

France: I'll pick you up?

UK: *nodding* Carpool.

~~~

UK: Come to dinner tonight. I can't cook, but I'll bring plenty of free wine.

France: Marry me.

~~~

Portugal, acting tough: You guys don't want to mess with me.

UK: Yeah, Portugal will straight up cry in public. Don't try them.

Portugal: Exactly, I will straight up-

Portugal:

Portugal, tearing up: UK, why would you say that?!

~~~

UK: *sees Spain and Portugal together*

UK: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.

France: You mean... you ship them?

~~~

France: I have issues.

Spain: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-

France: With you.

~~~

Portugal: If we lose, you're out of the will.

UK: I was in the will?

~~~

Portugal: You have Crayons?

France: Yes, I have—

Portugal: You're— how old are you?

France: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

Chapter Text

America: I drink to forget but I always remember.

Austria-Hungary: You're drinking orange juice.

~~~

Austria-Hungary: Why are you on fire?

America: This is just how my day is going.

~~~

America: Austria-Hungary, are you okay?!

Austria-Hungary: I told you to stop asking stupid questions!

~~~

America: Fine! I don't give a shit!

Austria-Hungary: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit.

~~~

America: I'm having problems with a guy...

Austria-Hungary: Like his dead body won't fit into your trunk kind of problems, or you like him kind of problems?

~~~

America: Are you tall enough to play basketball though?

Austria-Hungary: Are you calling me short?

America: I'm calling you vertically challenged.

~~~

Austria-Hungary: What are amphetamines?

America: Drugs that can go on land and water.

Austria-Hungary: Ohhhh.

~~~

America: When I met you I thought you were a real bitch.

Austria-Hungary: What changed your mind?

America: Oh, I still think you're a bitch, I've just grown to like that about you.

~~~

America: Do you take constructive criticism?

Austria-Hungary: Not without crying

~~~

Austria-Hungary: When I first met you, I did not like you.

America: I'm aware of that.

Austria-Hungary: But then you and I had some time together.

America: Uh-huh?

Austria-Hungary: It did not get better.

~~~

Austria-Hungary, to America: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

~~~

Austria-Hungary: Shouldn't get stressed out, it's not good for the baby.

America: What baby?

Austria-Hungary, crying a bit: Me.

~~~

America: How has life been treating you lately?

Austria-Hungary: Horribly.

~~~

America: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.

Austria-Hungary:

Austria-Hungary: I like you.

~~~

MESSAGE FROM THE PROGRAMMER OF THE GENERATOR BEING USED:

Congratulations! You've stumbled upon a secret message from me (the programmer of this generator): Remember to drink water. And also take your meds if you have those and are supposed to take them. Also, have a nice day if that's a possibility. I hope y'all are doing great, and remember: even if it's not pride month anymore, always respect eachother's pronouns!

~~~

America: I have a problem.

Austria-Hungary: If it's harder than 2+2, I can't help.

~~~

America: I'm bored, any suggestions?

Austria-Hungary: Sleeping is nice.

America: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I'm deciding to ignore it.

~~~

Austria-Hungary: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*

America: *standing on the roof* Bless you.

Austria-Hungary: God?!

~~~

America: I think it's time I get my life in order.

Austria-Hungary, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

~~~

Austria-Hungary: America, I need some advice.

America: You need advice from ME?

Austria-Hungary: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

~~~

America: Austria-Hungary is a little bitch.

Canada: Why?

America: Number one, they're little. Number two, they're a bitch.

~~~

America: I prevented a murder today.

Austria-Hungary: Really? How'd you do that?

America: self control.

~~~

America: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.

Austria-Hungary: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.

~~~

America: That's one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut...

Austria-Hungary: You would eat yourself?

America: I wouldn't even question it.

~~~

America: This is a mistake

Austria-Hungary, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!

America: But not today

Austria-Hungary, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess

~~~

America: You're right.

Austria-Hungary: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

~~~

Chapter Text

South Africa: You call yourself my soulmate, but where were you when my meme only had four likes?

Madagascar: Making four accounts.

South Africa, tearing up: Really...?

~~~

Madagascar: Do you take constructive criticism? 

South Africa: Not without crying

~~~

South Africa: I am a responsible adult! 

Madagascar: *raises brow* 

South Africa: I am an adult.

~~~

Madagascar: Don't be sad! 

South Africa: Why not? 

Madagascar: 

Madagascar: I don't have a good answer.

~~~

Madagascar: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos. 

Madagascar: Oh no, where did it go? 

South Africa: MADAGASCAR WHAT THE FUCK?!

~~~

Madagascar: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli. 

South Africa, eyes wide: I know what I saw.

~~~

Madagascar: Just say when. 

South Africa: When. 

Madagascar: I- 

Madagascar: Now or later? 

South Africa: Oh.

~~~

South Africa: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers? 

Madagascar: Peonies, why? 

South Africa: 

Madagascar: Were you going to get me flowers? 

South Africa: 

Madagascar: 

South Africa: ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

~~~

South Africa: That was so hot, Madagascar. 

Madagascar: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets. 

South Africa: I'm so in love with you.

~~~

Madagascar walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: South Africa, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK. 

South Africa, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

~~~

Madagascar: I am so cool. I am an absolute Chad. I am the epitome of coolness and awesomeness— 

South Africa: Hi. 

Madagascar: *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*

~~~

South Africa: This date is boring! 

Madagascar: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store. 

South Africa: Then why did you invite me?

Madagascar: I didnt, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "fuck you Madagascar I'll do whatever I want!

~~~

Madagascar: My hands are cold. 

South Africa: Here, let me hold them. 

Madagascar: My lips are cold too. 

South Africa: *covers Madagascar's mouth with their hand*

~~~

*playing twister* 

Lebanon: Right hand red. 

Israel: *ends up on top of Jordan* 

Jordan: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? 

Lebanon: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

~~~

Jordan: Love is weakness and an evolutionary mistake. 

Lebanon: You are literally making a Valentine's day card for Israel. 

Jordan, pointing their hot glue gun towards Lebanon: You're on thin fucking ice.

~~~

Lebanon: Everyone thinks I'm this soft cute person but I'm not! 

Jordan: Lebanon, you cried for an hour after stepping on a bug yesterday. 

Lebanon: It had feelings! It was probably going home to dinner and I killed it! 

Israel: ...It was a bug. 

Lebanon: It was a BEETLE, and its wife is definitely worried sick, wondering where it is, and I really don't get why you all think I'm so sentimental because I'm not! 

Jordan: ... 

Israel: ... 

Lebanon: Stop looking at me like that!

~~~

Lebanon, watching Israel and Jordan from afar: Two Bros, Chillin in a hot tub. Five feet apart because they think they're not gay, BUT THEY REALLY ARE-

~~~

Lebanon: The salary of a clown is 51,000 dollars. 

Lebanon, gesturing to Jordan and Israel fighting: And yet these idiots do it daily, and for free!

~~~

Jordan: I hate you sometimes. 

Israel: Well according to this picture Lebanon drew of us holding hands that's not true. 

Jordan: Israel, you drew that. 

Israel: It doesn't matter.

~~~

Lebanon: And now for a gay update with Israel and Jordan. 

Israel: Getting gayer. 

Lebanon: Thank you, Israel.

~~~

Lebanon: You don't need my blessing to go kiss Israel. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing Israel! 

Jordan: Nope. 

Lebanon: In that case, as the archbishop of Jordan's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Israel right on the lips!!!

~~~

Jordan, about Israel: Can I tell them they look nice? 

Lebanon: Sure. 

Jordan: Can I tell them I respect them? 

Lebanon: Maybe, if they ask. 

Jordan: Should I show them an oil painting I made of us surrounded by our three cats and four dogs? 

Lebanon: ... 

Lebanon: I'd save that for later.

~~~

Lebanon: Hey, Jordan, are you free on Friday? Like around eight? 

Jordan: Yeah. 

Lebanon: And you, Israel? 

Israel: Umm... yes? 

Lebanon: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date! 

Israel: Did they just-

~~~

(mid chapter note from the author)

pls help currently cracking up over the country of greece

thanks

the author

~~~

Greece: Hey Armenia, wanna third wheel on my date with Serbia tomorrow? 

Armenia: Sure. 

Greece: Lebanon! Wanna third wheel on my date with Serbia tomorrow? 

Lebanon: Sure.

Greece: Great! I've always wanted to go on a double date! 

Armenia & Lebanon: ... 

Serbia: Greece...

~~~

Lebanon: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am- 

Armenia: A doll. 

Serbia: A cinnamon roll. 

Greece: A sweetheart. 

Lebanon: 

Lebanon: ...stop it.

~~~

*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword* 

Lebanon: Rude. 

Armenia: That's fair. 

Serbia: Not again. 

Greece: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

~~~

Greece: Yesterday, I watched Lebanon try to eat a decorative rock from Armenia's potted plant. Serbia caught them, and told them they can't eat rocks. Lebanon started whining something about no food being in the house before walking away.

~~~

Police: You're under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle. 

Greece, with Serbia and Armenia behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?! 

Police: Yes...three. 

Greece: Oh, my God— What the fuck!? 

Police: Wha- 

Greece: Lebanon FUCKING FELL OFF!

~~~

Serbia: We need a way to lure in new customers? 

Armenia: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events! 

Greece: Lebanon bath water. 

Lebanon: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

~~~

Serbia, texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like? 

Greece: *Sends a picture of of a syringe with an apple slice shoddily edited inside* 

Armenia: *Sends a picture of a shot glass with an Apple poorly drawn inside* 

Lebanon: *Sends picture of person dunking a Basketball into the hoop but replaced the basketball with a poorly resized apple* 

Serbia: I hate all of you.

~~~

America: If you want my advice- 

Canada: No offense but you're the last person I want relationship advice from. You tried to kill your significant other. Multiple times. 

America: First off, that was before we started dating. Secondly, he's also tried to kill me. 

Soviet: It's true. It was mutually attempted murder.

~~~

America: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

Soviet: You and me!!!

America, tearing up: Okay.

~~~

Soviet: Schrödinger's cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that's both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.

~~~

America: Goodnight moon.

America: Goodnight tree.

America: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.

~~~

America: That awkward moment when you're scrolling through someone's old Instagram posts and you accidentally comment the entire Declaration of Independence.

~~~

Singapore: That's not funny. 

Liberia: I thought it was funny. 

Singapore: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

~~~

Singapore: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out! 

Liberia: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way? 

Singapore: I don't know, surprise me!

~~~

Liberia: Singapore, you love me, right? 

Singapore: Normally I'd say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won't like.

~~~

Singapore: I still have no idea how I'm attracted to you... 

Liberia: Yeah, well, you're stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

~~~

Liberia, throwing their head into Singapore's lap: Tell me I'm pretty! 

Singapore, lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.

~~~