Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

*****Roy*****

Roy didn’t even know how the conversation started.

Something in Ted’s ramblings about did they know why Americans weren’t British. It might have even been a fucking joke.

“Because Americans never liked being told what to do. Like… no one likes taxes, yeah? But mostly it was them not having any say? And being told not to move into the land they had just fought for nine years for,” Jamie Tartt said. Jamie Tartt.

“What?” Roy asked.

“The Seven Year’s War. It lasted for nine years and was sort of one of the causes of the American Revolution. Because no one wants to fight for land and then not get it, yeah? Except there were people already living there who didn’t want to give up the land, and fighting them all the time was expensive to the crown, yeah? So the king said to just not go there, even though they’d supposedly just won it from the French and Indians- except there were really some Indians on both sides. Er… Native Americans or… indigenous people? And it never went well for them, which was bad.”

“Wow, now, that is quite the history lesson, Mr. Tartt!” Fucking Ted.

Roy wasn’t sure if he’d spent even a full hour in school talking about the American War for Independence. He knew there was shit about the French financing it to hurt the stability of the British government, and that was about it. The French and British were always at war back then.

“Where did you learn that?” Roy asked before he could bite his fucking tongue.

Jamie Tartt looked… shy. “Youtube.”

“Why were you watching a youtube video about American history?”

“Because… Crash Course did a whole series.”

“Crash Course is good,” Isaac offered. Isaac.

“You’ve watched these too?” Roy asked.

“Not US History. Didn’t have a class on it. Did World History and Biology. They played it in school. Better than the teachers. I liked about the Mongols. Being the ‘exception’ to everything.”

Roy felt… old. He hadn’t had youtube in school. It hadn’t fucking existed. They hadn’t even had internet for a lot of Roy’s schooling, and when they got it, it wasn’t anything like now. And Jamie had watched extra educational videos about shit he was never even going to be tested on. That didn’t fit in Roy’s imagining of Jamie Tartt.

Probably because Roy didn’t actually know Jamie Tartt.

The new Jamie Tartt who was accepted at Richmond even after everything he’d said to the press while he was at Man City. Jamie Tartt who passed the ball all the fucking time. Too often, and someone needed to tell him that he had the potential to fucking play for England if he passed some of the time but not all the time, and got his fucking spirit back.

Fuck.

Either Ted didn’t fucking know, or he was waiting for Roy to tell him.

Fuck.

*****Roy*****

“Why are you looking at the League One table? We’re not fucking getting relegated.”

Roy shouldn’t have been looking at whatever was making Tartt so fucking happy on his phone. And he shouldn’t have snapped, because he was trying to be fucking civil. Trying to pay Jamie Tartt the same amount of attention as any other player. Give him the same amount of instruction. Because ignoring him had been a really immature shit idea, and Roy was trying to be a fucking adult.

With a little attention, Jamie had been perfectly fucking obedient. And fucking shining.

“What? No, it’s… a team I follow. It’s nothing.” Jamie shrugged.

“What League One team do you follow?”

“AFC Wimbledon.”

Roy had heard the name, but couldn’t say anything about them. But then he could have only named about half the Championship teams before they were one. When he was a player, not a coach. He had to know the ins and out of Championship teams now, but he still didn’t want to look at League One. Perhaps in part because Sunderland was now there. Richmond wouldn’t be. He may have watched some matches for scouting purposes, but hadn’t watched one of Wimbledon’s. He was generally more interested in Premier League Academy kids. Young talent would be more likely to buy into Lasso, Roy thought.

“What do you like about them?” Roy asked. Because… Roy didn’t know why.

Didn’t know why he humoured Jamie Tartt’s eager face.

This wasn’t part of coaching.

Except probably Ted would think it was.

“They’re like… this underdog story? Their team got moved and bought, and the fans didn’t like it. They tried to stop it for a long time, and then they made their own team, like open try outs, starting from nothing. But they always said they was the real Wimbledon, and eventually the other team changed their name. That’s Milton Keynes. So like, they restarted in just 2002 with nothing, and now they’re in League One, and they just got their own stadium, real close to where the old one was. So… it’s like they’re finally home. And they were doing real badly early in the season, but they got a new manager- Mark Robinson. He’s been the Academy Manager, and they actually have a good academy, so he’s done a good job there, and the team’s doing better now. They might not be relegated. I believe they won’t. They’ve never been relegated. And they’re owned by the fans, not by some rich guy.”

“Are you one of those fans?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s just twenty-five pounds a year. And I did an extra donation, and a zero interest bond.”

“A what?”

“They just bought their new stadium, yeah? So they have a bunch of debts to like… banks or whoever, so they're trying to replace that debt to their fans instead. So like you can pick your interest rate and how much the bond is, and how long.”

“You can pick the interest rate?”

“Yeah. Can do like… six percent I think, but I just did no interest because… I don’t need it? I would’ve just done more donation, but my money lady was judging me, and… yeah.”

Jamie was fucking young, and Roy hadn’t seen the contract Rebecca offered him when he returned, but it was probably Championship money, which wasn’t anything like Premier League money. And a football career could be over at any fucking moment with a bad enough injury. These were the years he needed to save his money.

“Listen to the money lady, if she’s a good one.”

“I’ve got two- well, the other one’s a man. At like… different companies. So they each watch half, so in case one’s bad…” Jamie shrugged. “Heard about them stealing all the money, so I figure I’d be fine with half. And commission’s on percentage anyway, so don’t really matter if it’s in one place.”

“That… is a fucking good idea,” Roy admitted.

Jamie Tartt’s real smile was… fucking something.

*****Roy*****

Roy had spent too long trying to think of a favourite book to bring. Favourite or ‘particularly meaningful’.

He would fucking glare at Ted Lasso long enough that he wouldn’t comment on the copy of A Wrinkle in fucking Time.

“Ready, gentlemen? Let me tell you now, whoever pick’s my book is in for a ride,” Ted announced.

“Aren’t we like… burning them?” Jamie asked.

He looked uncomfortable.

It wasn’t the weirdest assumption, since the last time they had all been asked to bring something, that was what happened. But they had all known it was coming. Maybe not burning, in particular, but Ted had called it a sacrifice.

At a meeting that Jamie hadn’t attended, so maybe he’d had no fucking clue what he was walking into.

Roy hoped not.

Fuck.

Jamie had defied Roy’s expectations when he’d participated back then. Thrown in the boots, talked about his shit dad and his good mum, and about worrying that his mum wouldn’t be proud of him if she knew how he was acting. Sung the chant, drank the liquor. ‘Richmond ‘till I die.’

And then he’d been sent away the next day.

And he probably still didn’t know why.

Fuck!

“No, no book burning. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear on that. It will be returned to you after the taker is finished,” Ted went for his reassuring voice.

“It’s- I bought a new iPod, so I wouldn’t care if it were burned.” What sort of tone was that? Hopeful? Nervous?

What the fuck?

“That’s not a book,” Roy objected to the less important part. Because he couldn’t fucking stop antagonizing Jamie Tartt. It was a fucking sickness. And not very coach-like. Fuck. He hadn’t learned enough from the fucking girl in space book, had he?

“Audio book. Still says book in the name, don’t it?”

“If you’re going to buy a new one to burn, why didn’t you just buy a new paper book? It’s cheaper and supports the author instead of fucking Apple.”

Jamie looked… small. He wasn’t snapping back at Roy just to do it, like Roy had thought. He was… defensive.

“Roy, now it’s-” Ted started.

Fuck.

“The paper one isn’t my favourite one though,” Jamie talked over Ted. “Coach said favourite. I thought we’d like… share or whatever and put it in the bin.”

“Well, you know me, I would love to have some sharing time, if we can do it without spoilers. About why you like the book you chose, or anything else personal. Would you like to go first, Jamie?”

Jamie wasn’t looking at Roy.

Not that he should be after that.

Fuck, Roy didn’t want to be less mature than Jamie fucking Tartt.

“I’m… not good at readin’. My mum used to read to me every night. Not just when I was wee little, but like… when I got older too. Harry Potter books and all that. When I was away some nights, at the academy, sometimes she’d send me with a chapter read aloud of whatever she’d picked. Wasn’t a whole book, because some nights I’d come home. And we’d erase old chapters sometimes. To make new ones. She never got tired of it. But she picked this book, and read the whole thing. The Fault in Our Stars. S’ a book about teenagers with cancer. I was eighteen and nineteen… and my mum had cancer. I’ve listened to it a lot. S’ a good book.”

“The movie is very-”

“No spoilers, Jan Maas,” Jamie talked over him.

“I also like that book very much,” Sam said, gently. “Is your mother… okay now?”

Jamie shook his head. “She died.”

Fuck.

Jamie had brought a recording of his dead mother reading a cancer book.

And he thought he was going to burn it. But being asked to let someone else listen to it was even more fucking invasive.

And, fuck, he’d already burned a gift from her. Boots from mum didn’t seem so special when Roy didn’t know that the mum had been dead for years. His mum.

“Would you mind if I selected your book, Jamie Tartt?” Dani asked. “I am better at listening to English than reading it. I am sorry to whoever would like to pick mine. I did not understand either and brought a book in Spanish. I will, however, provide them with the English copy, which I also possess. I used it as learning, but the Spanish is better. Oh, I can loan someone both if they wish!”

Jamie looked at Ted who was looking at Jamie. Ted didn’t look great. Fuck. Ted was an emotional sponge, wasn’t he? Roy might actually have to-

“Ah… yeah,” Jamie decided. “But I should warn ya’ like… me mum left some messages at the end of the chapters, of ah- her like- you know, mum stuff like… hope I’m having a good day and all that, and sleep well, and do I need to eat, or whatever.”

Fuck.

“I will be honoured to listen, Jamie Tartt. Thank you for this. I will give you a hug now,” Dani announced. And then he stepped forward and… hugged and kissed- no, not really kissed. He put his cheek against Jamie’s cheek and made a kissing sound.

“Dani, you go next then,” Roy instructed, eyes darting between them and Ted.

Dani was distracting as usual, giving Jamie, and apparently Ted, the time they needed. Ted took back over when Dani was done, after Zoreaux picked Dani’s book. This was going to take a really fucking long time.

Jamie, sitting on a bench between Dani and Sam, seemed alright.

*****Roy*****

“I need a crash course on Jamie Tartt,” Roy told Keeley.

“I thought you two were getting along. He said you were coaching him.”

“Yeah, well… every time I think I have him figured out, there’s another bomb. Like we were supposed to bring our favourite book for a book exchange, and he thought we were burning them, so he bought a new ipod for a homemade audiobook of his dead mum.”

“He told you that?”

“He told the whole team.”

“Wow. I- hadn’t heard all that. Most of our talking has been after we dated, you know. I knew about his mum, but I hadn’t heard about a book.”

“S’about teenagers with cancer.”

“The Fault in Our Stars? Oh, that’s-”

“No spoilers,” Roy echoed Jamie. “I mean… I thought I might read it.”

“Okay, well… whatever you want to know about Jamie, you should probably ask him. You know, that’s sort of what Ted was asking me when that photographer took our picture. Well, he was asking how to get through to Jamie, at least.”

“What did you say?”

“Blow jobs.”

“What?”

“That is the easiest way to get through to Jamie. And I wanted to see Ted’s face. Yours was funny too. Then I told him positive reinforcement. Being told what he’s done well, and he’ll do it again.”

“I know that.” The other part… didn’t sit well with him. His girlfriend saying she used to… give Jamie a blow job so he’d do something? Or reward him after? Somehow those seemed different but both questionable. But who was he to judge someone else’s relationship? They were still close friends, which was more than Roy could say about any of his exes. And he was supposed to be long past caring about anything Jamie and Keeley used to do.

“Then you’re ahead of where Ted was then. Of course, they had just met. Just talk to Jamie. He’s always looked up to you, you know? I know you’re his coach, but I think he’d really like being your friend, or at least sort of friend? He’s my friend.”

“Thanks.”

Roy decided to read that book first.

At least it would be something to talk about.

John Green.

The author was the same man with the history videos. Crash Course. Roy had watched a few. Which did Jamie find first? Were either because of his mum?

Roy read the book in a day. Which was fucking fast for him. He didn’t have anything to do, and Keeley had wanted some alone time anyway, so he was home alone.

Roy cried.

He fucking sobbed.

Not even really from the book, but from thinking about nineteen year old Jamie Tartt, promising football talent with a dying mum.

Fuck.

Roy still had both of his parents.

And Roy knew that Jamie’s dad had ditched them when Jamie was a baby and only showed up again when it looked like he would have a promising career. It happened to celebrities sometimes.

Roy hoped Jamie hadn’t forgiven him easily, if at all.

Roy hoped he’d had someone. Aunts and uncles, grandparents, someone. Hoped Jamie still had them.

*****Jamie*****

“Read that book you talked about. Was good,” Roy announced.

“Yeah? I mean… I think so. Even though it’s meant like… for teenagers, I guess.”

“Lasso had me read a book for little girls I read to my niece. Helped me be a better captain. Not really early enough to help me captain you. I did a shit job at that. Was jealous of you,” Roy admitted.

Roy Kent being jealous of Jamie Tartt.

“Bet you’re not anymore.” Roy was good at being just Roy.

“I am sometimes, watching you play. You’re fucking brilliant, you know.” Jamie let himself smile. He couldn’t’ve stopped it. “But I appreciate what I have a hell of a lot more now, yeah.”

Jamie gave a little nod. Calm-like.

“The writer is the same one who does those history videos you talked about, huh?” Roy asked.

“You looked that up?”

“Yeah. I watched a few.”

“They make a lot of good content. Lots of different stuff.”

Like watching John play FIFA with AFC Wimbledon was entertaining even though John was still sort of shit at FIFA. But he gave life advice. And told stories about his made up FIFA characters, Bald John Green and his teammate and husband, Other John Green, and their adopted son JJ Green. Talked about it like that could just happen.

Roy just nodded. Jamie didn’t have words.

“He wrote other books. Any of them good?” Roy asked.

“Really?” Was a stupid question. Roy already read the first one and said it was good. It was good. Critics said so and everything. Wasn’t weird for Roy to be interested in more.

“I like reading. Sorry I said that shit about audiobooks not being books. Was shit of me.”

“‘S’alright. Yeah. I- like Paper Towns. That’s another of his books.”

Roy nodded again.

“Or you can just watch the film, if you want. I mean, you said you like books- like reading, I mean, but… it’s there. You know they made a Wrinkle in Time film too? I haven’t seen it, but I know it had like… Oprah in it. And the little girl who looks like Zendaya but younger. And… Reese Witherspoon. Mindy Kaling.” Maybe he’d googled it that day.

“Right,” Roy answered.

“Yeah… so… glad you liked the book,” Jamie said. He stood to leave, because he wasn’t sure what the fuck else to do. Which was weird, because he always wanted to just… talk to Roy Kent, but actually doing it was weird when it wasn’t about training.

“Right,” Roy repeated.

*****Roy*****

Fucking FA Cup. Didn’t fucking matter to them trying to get promoted.

Of all the teams they could have played against, fucking Manchester City.

And, worst, management was supposed to be fucking happy, because playing a team like Manchester City was a lot of attention and money. A lot of it focused on Jamie Tartt. Who Roy knew by now wouldn’t even want the fucking attention. Not for that. Maybe if they won. But the whole match was a fucking distraction when they needed to focus on promotion.

When he learned about Ted’s panic attacks, it wasn’t a shock, more of something Roy should have had a name for and connected a few incidents. If Roy was going to be upset about something in ‘confession time,’ it would have been Higgins fucking up timezones and missing out on that Brazillian player.

They didn’t fucking need to hear the fucking announcer say that it was Richmond’s first appearance at Wembley, because it was the first time they’d made it to the fucking semifinals before, and they were the last fucking London team to do it. How they’d never won any major trophy.

Didn’t need to hear that shit about Jamie. Didn’t need any of it.

Fuck!

Roy knew that Jamie’s dad was shitty, but he hadn’t known just how shitty.

Roy might hate him even more than Phoebe’s piece of shit dad.

Jamie didn’t have a mum or an Uncle Roy.

But he had a fucking Coach Roy.

Jamie flinched right before contact.

Fuck.

Why the fuck did Roy think he could do this?

It took a few moments, but then Jamie clung tightly.

Roy stared at O’Brien, who was in Roy’s line of sight, and willed him to get everyone out of the room.

The team listened.

Jamie had his nose buried into Roy’s neck, and they were still hugging.

Roy was fairly certain the upset person was supposed to be the one to end a hug.

So Roy would just wait for whenever that was.

Finally Jamie pulled away and started packing up his bag.

“The bus will wait as long as you need, or we could get a car,” Roy said. We? That was… well, he didn’t really want to leave Jamie alone. “Or Keeley has her car, and might not have left. Or she’d come back. You can go with her.”

“Would be weird. Like I’d be trying to get between you, and I’m not, I swear I’m over Keeley, and I-”

“She’s your friend.”

“I just want to get on the bus.”

“The team cares about you.”

“I know.”

Having fucking words of wisdom was fucking hard.

“You don’t have to be alone. It’s what being on a team is. You’re not alone.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Roy wasn’t at all sure that he did.

Jamie walked closer beside him than he usually would to the bus.

Colin immediately offered Jamie a seat near the front of the bus.

Roy got the idea that several of the other players would have done the same.

More of them were on a row by themselves than usual, and most of them rearranged after Jamie sat. Footballers weren’t the most subtle.

Roy sat in his normal seat. It had been his as a player too. Had felt too weird when he came back to pick a different seat, so he hadn’t.

Wouldn’t have been the worst thing to have someone sitting next to him.

*****Jamie*****

Jamie shouldn’t have gone to Nelson Road the next day, but he was avoiding his flat until he was sure his dad would have caught the train back to Manchester.

Higgins found him.

Maybe because the man still didn’t have an office. Might have been looking for a better place than the broom cupboard.

“Jamie, I want you to know that I feel terribly guilty for my advice.”

Or maybe he was looking for Jamie.

“What?”

“You told me that your father was… was ‘always a dick’ and I told you that you should try to get along with him and accept him, or something like that. I imagined it was… well, my teenage and grown sons don’t always like me so much. I had plenty of disagreements with my parents. I didn’t imagine it would be… far more serious, and I should have. You should not accept him, because he does not behave like an acceptable person, and I am sorry for procuring him tickets. More sorry that they were good ones. And likely that helped him get into the changing rooms, and I am eternally sorry for that.”

“S’fine.”

“It doesn’t have to be fine.”

Jamie knew people were big on that now. Was okay to not be okay.

“I’ve got an appointment with the doc. I do every week. Y’don’t have to like… worry about me. And I punched him. Showed him I wasn’t so weak I’d just take it anymore.”

Those probably weren’t the words to use.

That was something he needed to sort through with the doc.

“I think… there’s no right or wrong or weak or strong reaction to trauma. Or… maybe there are some wrong ways, and, I suppose seeking professional assistance is a very right one. Well done doing that.”

“She’s paid to listen to me talk. And she can’t tell anyone what I say. Don’t know why everyone doesn’t do that.”

“That would be a wonderful advertisement.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes, well, I would like to extend my own professional assistance. Of the bureaucratic manner. I wanted you to know and hope you will approve… that I have told security that James Tartt, Denbo Cullens, and Bug are not welcome on Richmond grounds. I did want to check in with you on the latter two, but I do recommend it.”

“Really?”

“Yes. It is important for everyone to feel safe here. No one at Richmond wants him on our grounds, and I believe his close associates are equally unwelcome.”

“Yeah. That’s… good, thanks. I mean, they wouldn’t want to come until we’re hosting Man City when we’re back in the Premier League, but… is nice.”

A place proper security guards wouldn’t let his dad come.

He wondered if the beds- or whatever they’re called- in the treatment room would be comfortable enough to sleep on. Probably better than his car where he’d slept the night before.

No, he would be fine. His dad would take an afternoon train, probably.

“I believe that with a few well placed calls, I could get him banned from a number of other stadiums, including Manchester City’s. But I wouldn’t make those calls without your permission.”

“You… could do that?”

“I would hope they would take the request seriously. I can insist upon it at any match where Richmond players are present, but I would try to do more.”

“Not more. Will only make him angry, and I don’t give a shit if he goes to City matches when I’m not there. He’s not gonna… do any real harm… I don’t think. If we ever have to play them there… yeah, maybe you could… keep him out.”

“Of course I will. It just seems insufficient to convey my sorrow and guilt for my part in-”

“S’fine, mate.”

“Right, well… I am not sure if it is poor timing, but I wish to extend… the offer of a place at our table, or anywhere in the house… at our home. We have so many boys, and you would slot nicely in, age-wise, between Lindsay and Kris. We had Lindsay a bit younger than we thought we were ready for him, but he is such a blessing. But, there is a bigger gap between him and the others. I would say that we would hardly notice one more young man at the table, but we are all rather large Richmond fans, so the younger boys… might fawn over you a bit.”

“I- thank you, ah, Higgins.”

“I do hope you take us up on it sometime. My number,” he held out a business card. “Or address written on the back, if you just want to show up. Though I would feel horrible if we were out, so maybe a text?”

“Wouldn’t just show up.”

“Well, we wouldn’t mind if you did. But, there’s no pressure. I haven’t told the boys, but of course Julie and I know they would be ecstatic, should you ever arrive.”

“Ah… thanks, mate.”

*****Jamie*****

Jamie finally listened to the rest of it. The episode he’d been avoiding since a question was about Richmond.

There had been a few comments about Richmond before. An American fan of British football was going to notice when an American with no experience coaching football took a manager job. John had always been positive and interested, because he was a positive person.

But this question had mentioned Jamie, and Jamie had turned it off before getting the answer. And had been scared listening to every episode after, finger never far from pause or mute.

People talked about Jamie all the time on the internet or tv, and Jamie told himself he didn’t care what they said- and sometimes he really didn’t care, but this was different. Jamie would really, really fucking care.

But, when he finally listened, it wasn’t bad.

John Green had called Jamie a ‘talented young man’, and wished him the best back at Richmond. The episode had been a while ago.

Jamie had gone to the boot room for some privacy. Even if it didn’t always work. Even when Jamie didn’t have to be at the club at all.

The door burst open.

“Oi! The cook-” Roy stopped. “What’s wrong?”

Shit.

Jamie must look worse than he thought.

“Nothing.”

Roy actually stepped inside and shut the door behind him.

But he didn’t say anything. Nothing.

Jamie weren’t any good at lying, and he was trying honesty.

“Just… this podcast I listen to… Dear Hank and John. The... er… same John Green as the books and the videos- and his brother… who also does videos and now books too. They… talk about football sometimes- John’s a football fan- of like proper football, not the American one- and they… said something… nice about me. And… I guess I’d… thought it might be something bad.”

“What did they say?”

“Ah… John called me a ‘talented young man’ and said he wished me the best back at Richmond. It ah… the episode was from a while ago.”

Roy nodded.

“What’s his team?”

“Uh… John’s?” Was it weird to call someone he didn’t know by his first name? “His Premier League team is Liverpool, but… he supports AFC Wimbledon,” Jamie said. Which Roy would probably remember Jamie talking about. Like he needed to look more obsessed with the man. Shit. He wasn’t. Not like that. Just… was good content.

“How’s the new manager doing?” Roy asked.

“Good, I think. Better, at least.”

“Their Academy does have talent.”

“Yeah? Yeah.”

If Roy had looked up Crash Course, and read The Fault in Our Stars, it weren’t surprising he’d looked up talented young footballers. That was his job.

Still surprised Jamie.

“You alright?” Roy asked.

Jamie must look fucking rough.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Sound,” Jamie said, like that would be more convincing. He was. Was just… it was all just… overwhelming, maybe.

“Cook’s testing menu items for the stadium,” Roy offered. Must’ve been what he came to say. “It’s probably all fucking meat pies or even less healthy shit, but…”

“Thanks, mate. Er… captain- coach.” Shit. Fuck.

“Whatever.”

Chapter Text

*****Roy*****

Jamie looked awful.

That wasn’t exactly true. He probably looked appropriately sad for a funeral party, but Roy knew he felt awful.

“You okay?” Roy asked anyway.

“No.” Jamie answered. “Funerals… mess with me head. I don’t like ‘em.”

“You didn’t-” Telling him he didn’t have to come wouldn’t help at this point. “You don’t have to stay,” Roy said instead. “Could get an Uber home?” Roy almost offered to take him.

“I’m fine. Well… I’m not, but being home alone would be worse.”

Fuck.

Roy knew that feeling.

Rojas would be better at this conversation. Or Sam. Or Jeff. Or even probably Colin or Isaac. Ordinarily Roy would say Ted, but Roy just hoped for Ted’s sake that he made it through the day alright himself. There was some sort of baggage with Ted and a parent. Probably a dead parent. Probably a lot of people had a dead parent by Ted’s age. Roy would be lucky if he didn’t by then. Maybe it was recent.

Keeley. Keeley was the obvious choice to talk to Jamie.

But none of them were in sight at the moment. Because the place was fucking huge, and Jamie had looked for a moment alone, and so had Roy.

“Do you… do you want a hug?” He let the question out. Because he didn’t have a better way to end the sentence.

“You don’t have to.”

That was really not a no. That was practically Jamie Tartt for ‘Please.’

“Come here then,” Roy beckoned, arms open.

Jamie fell into them.

It didn’t feel weird at all.

Roy couldn’t remember if he’d ever hugged a man he wasn’t related to when it wasn’t about football. Until Jamie, because that hadn’t been about football, even if it had been after a football match.

Still didn’t feel weird, Jamie burying his head into Roy’s shoulder. Sort of his neck.

Roy put his arms around Jamie’s upper back. Middle back, maybe.

When Jamie had been more obviously distressed the time before, Roy hadn’t paid as much attention to what either of them were doing.

Roy waited until Jamie to pulled away first.

“Sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Roy said.

“I shouldn’t’ve hugged you.”

“I offered.”

“I shouldn’t’ve said yes. Doesn’t mean the same to me as you.”

“I just want to help.”

“I’m in love with you.”

“What?”

“I’ll get over it. I got over Keeley. And I didn’t realise I was in love with her until we’d already broken up, but I got over it. But I shouldn’t’ve hugged you. Sorry. And sorry to ah… I know you probably didn’t want to know that about me but I like… wanted to be honest? You can tell Keeley. I mean, obviously, you can tell your girlfriend anything. You should. Even though I’m not a threat, Keeley would want to know. Not that anyone would be a threat to you two. And I don’t mind her knowing I’m bisexual. I think she already knows, even though I didn’t tell her. Sorry for… if you need to ignore me again, I get it. It’s my fault.”

Jamie Tartt hated Roy ignoring him. That was enough to jolt Roy out of his… what the fuck was happening?

“It’s not your fault. Feelings aren’t… anyone’s fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to ignore you.”

Jamie gave a little smile. “I was just hoping you wouldn’t send me away.”

Fuck.

“No one is going to send you away. No one.”

If Jamie really thought that, then why the hell did he tell Roy-? No, Roy knew. Because he’d felt guilty. Over a sodding hug at a funeral.

“Is there someone else I should get for you?” Roy asked.

“No. I don’t want to distract anyone. It's not my day. I’ll be fine.”

“Rebecca got to have forty-seven years with her dad, and she still has her mum, and it seems like she didn’t like her dad. And if she’s not sad, she shouldn’t have to be. But you can be. Because you lost someone great.”

“I wished me dad had died instead.”

Fuck. Roy did too. Instead of Jamie’s mum. Instead of Rebecca’s dad. Instead of almost anyone on earth. Fuck it. 

“Yeah. Me too. Your mum sounds great, and you’re dad’s a fucking arsehole. Whenever he dies, you can feel whatever you feel, and you don’t have to go to a fucking funeral if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Roy. I mean- coach.”

“Ah! Ee! Hello friends!” Roy turned to the intrusion. “Do you think anyone would notice here if I took my shoes off?”

Roy watched Jamie smile and had never been more thankful for Dani Rojas.

“Doesn’t matter, mate. Gotta protect your feet. Come on, you can sit on the stairs and take them off.”

Jamie went to lead Dani away, and Roy didn’t say anything. Wouldn’t have any fucking idea what to say. But Dani was there.

*****Roy*****

“Are you okay, babe?” Keeley asked him. She was good at shit like that.

“I’m fine. Ted and Jamie both seemed fucked up. I know Jamie’s lost a parent. I think Ted has too. He was weird when Jamie mentioned his dead mum. Maybe it was recent.” Or maybe people didn’t get over that shit. Fuck.

“Or maybe it happened when he was young, like Jamie. Or even younger, or in between. I’m not sure it really matters.”

“I ran into Jamie. Asked him how he was.”

“Oh? What did he say?” Keeley asked when Roy hesitated.

“That he wasn’t okay.” Roy tried to remember the order of it all. “I said he could go home, he said it would be worse being alone. I asked if he wanted a hug, and let him hug me.” Keeley made some sort of noise of approval. “He said he was sorry afterwards. Which didn’t make sense.”

“Poor boy.”

“Then he said he shouldn’t have hugged me because… he’s in love with me. Or he thinks he is anyway,” Roy added and immediately regretted it. Had he wanted to… lessen it for some reason? But he sounded like a fucking prick, doubting someone’s feelings. Feelings that would be really fucking terrifying to confess. And Jamie actually knew him. Not as well as Keeley, but he… knew all the angry, bitter and old parts of Roy. And the part that gave hugs too. “I guess he is.”

“Wow, that must have been… uncomfortable?”

“Yeah,” Roy agreed. Because of course it was. “I had to… reassure him that I wasn’t angry, and wasn’t going to ignore him, or try to send him away. He thought I might.”

“Oh, the poor baby. I’m proud of how well you handled that, Roy. It must have been very uncomfortable.”

“He said he’d get over it. Said he got over loving you,” Roy checked how she would react to that. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. Maybe that wasn’t included in what he had permission to say.

“He… loved me?”

“After you broke up, he said. So I’ll just… not let training be too fucking awkward, and he’ll get over it.”

“I wondered if he was bi. You know I wonder that about everyone though. You know he had your poster as a kid?”

“Fucking hell.” He knew, but not… He really fucking did not want to know if teenage Jamie Tartt had… fucking hell. “Loads of teenagers had a fucking poster of me. I was the captain of England. It doesn’t mean… You’re going to make it more fucking awkward.”

“Well, I have to tease you, because I can’t tease Jamie about it, at least until he’s well over you. Maybe not even then. Should I pretend I don’t know?”

“He said I could tell you. But he wouldn’t want to be teased. Said he was sorry too much too.”

“Oh, the sweet lad.” She sounded like he was Phoebe’s age, not a professional footballer sharing some fucking terrifying honesty.

“You can’t tell anyone, can’t hint at it to anyone, including Rebecca or Ted. If he wants to tell the world he’s bisexual, he will.”

“I know, babe. I’d never do that. Oooh, I have a piece of highly relevant gossip. Another Richmond player I suspect might like men. Because he mentioned Grindr when I spelt out Bantr.” 

What?

“It’s not impressive to know that Grindr exists and how to spell it. Straight people can do that too. And you shouldn’t gossip about that.”

“It’s not really gossip if it’s just telling you. And, if you don’t want to know, I won’t tell you who. And I won’t do anything about it. Jamie wouldn’t be ready to move on to something potentially real so quickly if he has feelings for you. And a rash rebound hookup with a teammate seems like a bad idea, especially with Jamie’s place on the team potentially precarious.”

His place wasn’t precarious anymore, was it? He’d done the fucking work.

And he was probably getting paid less than the rest of them, even though it wasn’t his fucking fault he got sent away in the first place. Without Rebekah’s fucking revenge plan, Richmond would still be in the Premier League, and Jamie would still be on an extended loan with them. Or back at Manchester this season. Maybe he would have done something to get tossed from the team anyway, but Richmond wouldn’t have gotten relegated with him on the roster. Not after the bonfire. Which wouldn’t have happened without an earlier part of Rebekah’s plan. There were too many steps. If she’d stopped just before sending Jamie away…

“Ooh, but I could text a man I went out with once,” Keeley said. “When it came up that I’d been with women before, and he started sobbing and came out to me as gay. Professional rugby player. Haven’t talked to him in years, but I think he still plays. Don’t think he’s come out.”

Bonding over it being fucking shitty to have a homophobic fanbase.

Sounded like a lot of pressure for Jamie. To solve this bloke’s problems.

“Don’t push anything on Jamie, alright?”

“I know, babe. And I won’t judge him if he sticks to women because it’s easier. I will admit I have stuck to men more than I would have if the world were better, and I don’t face anywhere near the sort of stigma he would, and I know it.” Yes, of course she would understand. She was actually… she had the experience. And even if she’d never been a footballer, she knew enough.

“I’m sure Jamie would like to talk to you sometime about all of it,” Roy said.

“Oh, I will. And I hope he’s brought it up in his sessions with Dr. Sharon.”

Another thing Roy shouldn’t fucking know about.

But he was glad Jamie was doing that.

*****Jamie*****

It was always a risk, going to the grounds on an off day. No players, but coaches could be there doing… coach shit. Tapes, plays, all that.

But if Jamie sat around his place… he was going to go mad. More than before.

And going out in the regular public… that sounded even worse.

He really didn’t want to run into a fan.

Or a… hater. That sounded stupid.

Jamie hated sounding stupid.

He wasn’t alone in the gym.

Sam was on the bike thing that he liked. Jamie knew he should do cardio too. He usually liked weights better, but he wanted to run.

He didn’t stretch as long as he usually would, or start as slowly on the treadmill, sticking to the bare minimum warm-up.

Sam wasn’t working nearly as hard, looking at his phone every few seconds, just to put it down again.

Maybe his dad. They were always texting. Jamie tried not to be jealous. Of having a good dad, not of texting his. Jamie hated when his dad texted. He’d blocked and unblocked the number so many times.

Except, Jamie noticed that the phone was making Sam unhappy, so it couldn’t be his dad.

Jamie stopped running when Sam stopped peddling.

“You alright, mate?” Because Jamie could help others. He wasn’t always the one who needed help.

“Have you ever loved someone the world says you aren’t supposed to?”

Jamie felt his heart beat too fast. “Yeah, I have,” he admitted.

“What did you do about it?”

“I… told him.”

“You… him?”

“Yeah. Hope that’s not a problem?”

Sam took two steps and grabbed Jamie’s hand with both of his and shook it several times.

“Oh, Jamie Tartt, greatest striker in this country’s great football, any man would be fortunate to have your attention. May it be returned the way you so greatly deserve.”

“Ah… thanks,” Jamie managed. “It’s… I like women too… mostly women, just… you asked if I’d ever… maybe that wasn’t what you were talking about.”

“Oh! No, I do not find men arousing, but I know there is nothing wrong with you doing so. It… is good that it is so accepted in this country, and it needs to be more in football. My country has a long way to go in this. But I think with younger people- more know that the heart is powerful and loves. Though some elders always knew. No, I am in love with a… much older woman, and I believe she could feel the same, but will not allow herself to feel it.”

Why would she do that? Was Sam wrong? Was she dating someone?

“Is it Keeley?” Jamie let out. “Because she and Roy had some problems, but they’re good now.”

“I would not call Keeley much older.”

Keeley was a bad guess. Was probably whoever he had been talking to on that app, but he hadn’t said her name. Jamie just still sort of didn’t understand why everyone didn’t fall for Keeley, even if he was over her now.

“Keeley’s like a decade older than you.” And then… “Is it Rebecca?”

Sam hesitated.

Jamie had got it. He felt pretty clever over it.

“Will you keep it a secret?” Sam asked.

“Yeah,” Jamie smiled. It felt good to be trusted. “I get it- she’s hot. And Keeley says her ti- ah- chest is real- if that’s something you’d care about. But… maybe you already knew that?”

“Oh! I… well, I suppose I would not know the difference. I… have not been with another woman. I- did not tell Rebecca that. She would not want to know that.”

“Secret’s safe with me.”

“And yours with me.”

“I- for now, yeah, thanks. But I might tell the team. Not about the bloke- there’s nothing to tell there. It- didn’t go anywhere and never would. I mean just about… me liking men. You think they… would be okay with it?”

“Everyone would be very supportive, Jamie. And I think Ted would bring a cake.”

Jamie did sort of want a cake.

“I am sorry if your confession to him did not go the way you wanted,” Sam added.

Jamie shrugged. “It went okay. He said he wouldn’t ignore me. Not like I expected him to like me back. He’s dating an incredible woman. And like… I’m sure he’s straight. I mean, not actually sure, but like… most people are, so…” He shouldn’t hold on to an idea like that.

“Is it… maybe it is rude to guess.”

“I did.”

“Is it Roy?” Sam asked quietly.

That didn’t feel so scary. Sam was nice.

“Yeah. Like I said, nothing would happen. Even if he wasn’t with Keeley and did like men, he wouldn’t want me. And I want him and Keeley to be happy.”

“If Roy is ever single, and you must convince him to be with you, you can tell him that Rebecca could not judge him, because she is with me. Was with me. I am not sure which. She asked for some time… to figure herself out.”

Jamie wasn’t sure that held up as a way to convince Roy, since it sounded like Rebecca broke it off because of their age difference, or being his boss, or whatever. But he wasn’t going to say that.

It wasn’t going to happen anyway.

If it didn’t work out between Roy and Keeley, Roy was going to find some other beautiful woman in her late twenties or thirties. Maybe they’d even have kids. Jamie knew he was a good uncle.

“Thanks, mate.”

*****Roy*****

It was after sex when he had the thought. When Keeley was allowing him to cuddle her, but he knew she’d get restless and escape in less than a minute.

He thought that Jamie probably liked to cuddle.

Would let Roy hold him for ages.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What the fuck?

He hadn’t done anything wrong.

Was a passing thought.

Could have been about a hot film star.

Except Roy didn’t really do that. And imagining cuddling with someone after sex was… somehow more intimate than imagining sex with them.

“Roy, let go.”

Fuck.

Keeley got up to clean herself off.

Which Roy knew was important. But she wouldn’t crawl back in bed afterwards. She’d probably want to have alone time.

And Roy was a prick for… for resenting that. And for thinking… fuck. He couldn’t… Fuck.

“I thought of someone else,” Roy whispered, staring at his tea. He’d made her some too, just how she liked it.

He wasn’t going to lie. He could be mature enough for some fucking honestly.

“During sex? Because a little fantasy-”

“After. When I wanted to… cuddle.”

“Oh. I’m sorry I’m not… good at staying still.”

“Don’t apologise. I’m the one that’s the problem.”

“If I’m not giving you what you-”

“No. It’s not your fault. I should be- I’m the one who’s sorry.”

“Is it about emotional intimacy as much as physical intimacy?”

“What?”

“I’m fiercely independent. I like myself better that way. It’s not something to fix. I thought you were like me in that way when we started dating, but that was because I didn’t know you.”

Fuck.

No, Roy was really fucking needy.

“I’ve been giving you more alone time.”

“It’s not you ‘giving me’ time,” Keeley said gently. “You’re dealing with it when I don’t want to give you that time.”

“I- yeah, sorry.” It wasn’t like he owned Keeley’s time. He knew that.

“I shouldn’t have told anyone else about wanting more time to myself. Or, at least, I shouldn’t have told so many people. When you walked into the boot room, I knew I’d messed up. I didn’t apologise properly for that before. I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t anything compared to what Roy did. Or maybe he didn’t do anything and was being too hard on himself. Was just a thought.

“So… this cuddle partner…” Keely started. “Do you know her? In real life?”

“I- yeah. Sorry. It would never happen. Not just because we’re dating, though that is the most important reason.” But would it? If they weren’t? What was his coaching obligation? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Is it Phoebe’s teacher?”

“What? No.”

“Yeah, that figures. If we weren’t dating, you’d have no reason not to go for her. Is it Rebecca?”

“Why would it- no.”

“She’s fit. Those arms. And her tits are huge and not even fake like mine.” What? “Oh, did you not- sorry if I- did you really not know? It’s just… I lost weight in my early twenties, and my boobs practically disappeared. I didn’t go for crazy big ones- wish I had now. Sorry if that-”

“I don’t care about any of that. Do… whatever you want to your body. And it’s not Rebecca. It’s sort of… the opposite. It’s… one of my players.”

“Oh. I thought… you weren’t bisexual?” He had said that, early on in their dating. When Keeley was wondering aloud if everyone was a little bit. Roy would still say everyone wasn’t. Just… maybe he was. Maybe.

“I didn’t think I was. I’m still… not sure.” It was just a thought about cuddling. In bed. After sex.

“But Jamie told you he was in love with you, and that made you think.”

“I guess,” Roy admitted. About Jamie never wanting Roy to let go. “It’s not Jamie’s fault.” But wanting to protect him, to defend him, to not have Keeley be angry with Jamie… that probably said something about Roy.

“It’s not anyone’s fault, Roy. But I don’t think it’s a passing thought, is it?”

What? Why not?

“I’ve never thought of him like that before.”

“Like that meaning…?”

Roy could get through this conversation, and then it would be over. Whether he was single or not, he would get through it. “In bed. And I still wasn’t actually thinking about sex.”

“But have you thought of like… hugging him? Feeding him? Making sure he got home alright?”

He- “I’m a coach. I worry about my players. And Jamie… needs more support than some of them.” Fuck, was he like… a fucking predator? Jamie was a grown man, and Roy wasn’t… some fucking predatory coach. No. He didn’t want Jamie to be upset, to need him. Wanted Jamie to be strong. No, fuck that too, because strength wasn’t not needing people. There was nothing wrong with crying and wanting a hug. So there wasn’t anything wrong with wanting to give it.

He’d enjoyed helping Isaac one on one with his captaining trouble.

But if he didn’t particularly want to hug Isaac. But he would if Isaac needed it.

He hadn’t even tried figuring out what was wrong with Ted. Hadn’t thought it was his place to help Dani with his trauma over the dog. That was why they brought in a professional. Hadn’t worried about Isaac after he said he could handle being captain.

But he worried about Jamie.

Worried that if his mum thought she should ask him in the recordings if he needed to eat or sleep, maybe Jamie needed reminders. Or maybe he did then, but didn’t now. But Roy worried.

Fuck.

Fuck.

“I don’t think this is something we can work through in a conversation,” Keeley said. “It’s not about being attracted to someone. It’s about wanting to spend your life with someone. And I don’t think I’m the one in that picture for you.”

This was happening.

Fuck.

“Just be careful with him,” Keeley continued. “Because he’d do absolutely anything to make you happy, so you might have to protect him from himself. And you have to be patient.”

“Sounds like good reasons not to date him.”

There were so, so many reasons not to date Jamie Tartt. That wasn’t even worth having a conversation.

He-

This-

Fuck,

“If you’re not afraid of missing out.”

“You broke up with him,” Roy pointed out. Roy wasn’t sure what the right thing to say was.

There wasn’t a magic thing to say.

To make this conversation never happen.

No, to make those thoughts never happen.

“Jamie was a different person then. And we didn’t match up well, worse than you and me, but that might just be because you’re more used to not getting what you need. He’s great in bed though. Let me tell you, I’ve dated a lot of footballers, and most of them are shit in bed. Not him. Honestly the best I’ve ever had. Unbelievably eager to please. And don’t ask where you fall on the list when you’ve just broken up with me.”

Roy felt that stab of pain.

Keeley was fucking brilliant. Fucking radiant. Fucking perfect. Even if Roy knew she wasn’t perfect, he didn’t really know that at all.

“I wasn’t trying to,” he murmured. Wasn’t trying to break up with her. “I just thought… you deserved to know. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Roy. I- I think… maybe it’s not even about this. I don’t think us spending less time together was enough for you, and it’s still been too much for me. Will you… be alright spending the night alone?”

No.

Yes.

He’d be fine.

Not happy, but fine.

If he called Beth, she’d haul Phoebe over for all of them to have a sleepover. She’d enjoy helping him because she thought he helped her too much.

Phoebe who had started saying that she was the perfect age for a flower girl, but if he waited too long to get married, she’d have to be a junior bridesmaids instead.

Fuck.

“I’ll pack up anything you left at my place,” she said.

He was about to offer the same, but realised he couldn’t think of anything of hers he’d seen lying around. She hadn’t left things at his place like he had at hers. He… hadn’t realised.

Like she knew this was coming. Not this, but something. Maybe he should have too.

Chapter Text

*****Jamie*****

“Jamie? May I take some of your time?” Sam asked.

“Of course, mate.”

Jamie slowed down to a walk on the treadmill, because that was easier.

“I did not intend to stop you.”

“It’s fine.”

“I want your advice.”

Jamie ripped out the emergency stop cord. It made a horrible noise.

“My advice?”

It shouldn’t be surprising after their last serious conversation. Probably not that many people knew about him and Rebecca.

It was just that people didn’t ask Jamie for advice. Even when they had talked about Rebbecca before, Jamie hadn’t really given advice. Saying she was sexy wasn’t advice.

Jamie could give advice about some things- like football. But he didn’t think Sam would be nervous about wanting to run drills or something. See Jamie do something for him to copy. He was really only good at football.

“Yes, you… well, it is not the same, but you… you played on another team after Richmond. And then you came back.”

Jamie blinked. “I didn’t want to go. I got sent away. I was burning me boots and passing the bottle shouting ‘Richmond till I die’, and then me manager called and said I’m sent back before me loan was even up. Which Richmond had to agree to. And… then I was an idiot, and Richmond let me come crawling back.”

“I- you know the man who arrived in the helicopter?”

“Hard to miss, mate. You getting a call up? Because that’s- way different, you know? Just some extra training and international games, and then you’ll be right back.”

“It is not about the Nigerian National Team. Mr. Akufo is from Ghana.”

“Oh… sorry, mate.”

“He is… buying a team, and he wants me to join it. Do not tell anyone else on the team, please? Or outside of the team? Management knows, of course, but no one else.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course I won’t tell.” Sam was really talented. He could play any position, Jamie was pretty sure- except goalie. “What team?”

“Raja Casablanca. In Morocco.”

Leaving the whole country? That… that would be easier on the team than having to play against Sam. But still… And… why would Sam want to go there? Jamie had never heard of them.

“Is the team good?”

“They were second in the Moroccan league last year. Mr. Akufo says he wants to collect the best players from all of Africa to play with him. And he wants me.”

Fuck.

That was really fucking flattering.

Jamie would love to be told something like that.

If he would still believe it.

And Jamie was supposed to give advice?

Jamie found he had some.

“If you’re serious about it, you should ask to meet the coach- if he’s got one. Maybe the new owner’s firing the old gaffer or whatever. But… but I don’t think I’d leave Richmond. I- I really appreciate that Ted gives a shit about all of us. And Roy too, even when he’s growly, he- he cares, you know? And I guess the other people at Richmond care too. I- well, I’m sure Rebecca cares about you. Is that… I mean it’s not so hard for me to be friends with my ex, but I guess if you’re in a weird ‘are we together or not’ bit, that’s hard?”

“I do not want to make the decision based on Rebecca.”

That… yeah, Jamie understood making a decision for a career.

He’d been told to do that all his life.

But… maybe now… when he got to make decisions… if he ever got to… Jamie was pretty sure he’d make it based on the people.

“Well… just… I wouldn’t leave unless you know everyone there’s gonna be really great. Because working with a Cartrick sucks.”

“That is wise advice, Jamie Tartt.” No one had said he was wise before. “I have a few days to decide. I will give him my answer after our last match. I wish I could simply forget about it until then.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” What was wise? Maybe Jamie was all out. “You’re gonna be-” No. “You are great, Sam.”

Sam smiled. His teeth always looked so white.

“Thank you, Jamie Tartt.”

*****Roy*****

She was flirting with him.

She’d flirted with him before, and Roy knew it.

He was Roy Kent, he was used to people flirting with him.

It wasn’t the worst interaction he had with people. It was flattering.

He wasn’t used to it bothering him.

Keeley knew Phoebe’s teacher liked Roy. Ms. Bowen. Roy realised he didn’t even know her first name.

But her flirting bothered him.

Even though he was single.

And she was an attractive woman.

Possibly the inspiration of Phoebe’s drawings.

He… did he need to talk to Phoebe? Or maybe Beth first, but… did someone need to talk to Phoebe about… girls? And age appropriate… appreciation of… age appropriate… something…

At that age, Roy had only liked football.

Thirty years later…

He was ignoring an attractive woman flirting with him, and trying not to think about… someone he wasn’t dating.

He definitely wasn’t dating Jamie Tartt.

He was Jamie’s fucking coach, and they were one match away from promotion into the Premier League.

And he’d just broken up from a serious relationship.

Maybe… Roy would figure the rest of his shit out in the off season, and call Jamie then..

Roy made excuses and left the school.

He went to Nelson Road.

Because he didn’t want to spend extra time in his empty home.

Somehow the empty office was better.

It wasn’t empty for that long.

“Hey, ah- coach? Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah. Door open or closed?”

As if there wasn’t a giant window.

Roy stood and leaned against his desk, half-sitting. Jamie could take his seat if he needed.

“Closed,” Jamie said, and closed the door behind him.

“What’s bothering you?” Roy asked. Because something was.

Something he wanted to talk to Roy about.

Or maybe just settled for Roy because Ted wasn’t there.

“You know about Sam, yeah?”

Not what Roy expected to hear, but sure. It probably should have been.

Jamie’s statement would be vague if it hadn’t been for the fucking helicopter on their pitch.

Roy nodded.

“Yeah. Right. So… Sam’s not going to tell if he’s leaving or staying until after the match.”

“Yeah.”

“So… either he’s going to leave, and he doesn’t want us to fuck up because of it… or, he’s not going to leave if we get promoted, but will if we don’t.”

“Possibly,” Roy acknowledged. Not being in top flight football wasn’t fun. Even if everyone who knew about football knew that the Championship was better than most countries’ top teams. Hell, League One was as well.

“Definitely. Why would he leave if we’re in the Premier League? I mean, I heard his reasons, I guess. The billionaire guy was really flattering- gathering the best of Africa, and all that- sounded a bit off to me, collector-like. But, if Sam’s waiting, it’s gotta be that, right? If Richmond were just in the Premier League this season. I’m just… scared of fucking it up again. Like… it’s my fault they was relegated, and-”

Fuck.

Fuck.

“No, it’s fucking not.”

“I mean, I went for the pass instead of the goal, but-”

“You were doing your fucking job, playing the best damn football possible.”

“S’my fault you got hurt too. I’m so sorry, I-”

“No, it’s fucking not. Was my tackle, and my knee was already fucked up, just waiting for the final straw.”

“I don’t think you woulda caught anyone on City but me. You just wanted to so badly.”

That was true. Roy wasn’t fast. Jamie was, but somehow Roy…

Jamie felt guilty. Had felt guilty for a long time. Roy just wanted to-

“Do you want a hug?”

“What?”

“A hug. You didn’t do anything wrong, Jamie.” Roy stood up properly, stopped leaning on the desk, but didn’t come closer.

“I- yeah, alright,” Jamie said, and then he tucked himself into Roy again.

Roy needed Jamie to understand. It was just the way of things. Everyone had to retire at some point. It would be Jamie’s time eventually. Roy was lucky to have a really fucking long career.

“I wasn’t good enough to be a Premier League footballer anymore. Or Championship. Might have even been outplayed in fucking America. And I’d fucking hate being there. Better that I didn’t. And… other than the fucking paperwork, I- love coaching.” Roy wouldn’t usually say it that strongly. He wouldn’t have coached even Phoebe’s team, and definitely not Richmond.

“But… if I was still with the team, we’ve been better, and wouldn’t’ve come down to the last match. But I was a shit teammate. I was gonna try harder, be better, I promise. With the fire- I was gonna try harder. I- I had decided.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Jamie kept talking. Roy could hear the emotion. The threatening to cry. “I read all the rules and me contract. I- hadn’t read it all before, and I asked me manager to make sure I understood some of the legal bits. If I hadn’t been such a shit teammate- if Coach hadn’t benched me- I couldn’ta been sent back. Can’t recall if I was a starter. And they won that match without me. I know I’m talented, but I wasn’t worth shit. But I was gonna try- to not be shit.”

Fuck.

“It’s not your fault.” Fuck, Roy wished they were anywhere else. “Ted didn’t want that either.”

“It’s fine, I get it. Coach forgives me now, or wanted to help me enough, or something, or he wouldn’t have let me come back. I know Richmond sent me away, because Man City didn’t really want me. Why would they have called me back if I was hardly going to play there? They just already knew I couldn’t play as a team, and I got kicked out of my loan. I mean, no one told me that, but they all knew.”

Fuck.

Roy hadn’t spent time thinking about what it would be like for Jamie back on that team unexpectedly.

Fuck.

“I’ve got something to tell you, but I would rather not say it here,” Roy said.

If Jamie needed time to cool off afterwards, he’d rather it not be on Richmond grounds.

“What?” Jamie pulled back, out of the hug.

“Can’t be anywhere in public either. If you want… I have the slow cooker preparing a stew that is within your meal plan.”

“Ah… okay? Should I ride with you? Or follow you? I don’t know where you live.”

“You can ride with me. But you should know that I don’t believe in serious conversations in moving vehicles.”

Jamie smiled. “Because if it goes bad, you’re both trapped, yeah,” Jamie answered. Because he understood, and probably felt the same.

Jamie started fidgeting in the ride, but he didn’t say anything until they were inside Roy’s place.

“If it’s going to fuck up my play for the last match, I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know. I should’ve said that before getting in the car. I can just get an uber home- or back to Nelson Road, it doesn’t matter.”

“I think the truth is less bad for you than what you’ve been thinking for a year, and I think… after you have some time to think about it, that it won’t hurt your play. It really just changes who you should blame. But I’d rather you not blame Ted.”

“I don’t blame Ted. It’s my own fault. I- I don’t blame Ted.”

“Ted did sit you in that match because he thought it was best for the team and for you. But- he would never have intended to sit you any longer than he needed to get his point across. And you choosing to participate in the fire would have been more than enough to show you were ready to be part of the team. You did enough for Ted and for anyone else. Ted didn’t have anything to do with you leaving.”

“He’s the gaffer,” Jamie protested. “And they showed they didn’t need me how I was.”

“Well, like you said, you would have been better. Even I knew that then. You were going to play well with Dani, and with the whole team.”

“Then why’d they send me away? Did… I make Rebecca mad?”

Roy might have forgiven Rebecca, but that didn’t mean Jamie had to. She’d fucked with his life even more than the rest of them, even if Jamie had been on the league winning team out of it, when the rest of them had been relegated. At least they’d been together. Roy knew Jamie better now. He’d read his fucking contract to try to get out of going back, it sounded like.

“No, you didn’t make Rebecca mad. She… was mad at her ex-husband.”

“What?”

“She… I’m not defending her, just… trying to explain. Rebecca… was very hurt by that bastard Manion cheating on her and all that, and the divorce, and a lot more deep seeded shit. And she wanted to hurt him. So she made sure she got the team in the divorce- which I’m sure she had to give well over market value for to make him do that. But… she knew Richmond was one of the few things he actually cared about, so she… wanted to make him suffer. And she wasn’t really thinking about all the people she hurt along the way. She hired Ted because she thought he would be a disaster coach. She threw him at the press when he just arrived, remember?” Roy had pieced that together. “She threw him at Trent Crimm- which I found out she did after another plan failed. Ted asked her how to get through to you- and she sent him to Keeley, and then sent a photographer after him to try to make it look like Keeley was cheating on you with your coach- but Keeley knew someone at the paper, so they stopped it in exchange for the Trent Crimm story.” Jamie was frowning and blinking a lot. “She… probably did other things too. But it wasn’t enough. The team was coming together, buying into Ted’s shit, even you. And Dani was healthy and looking good, and she couldn’t do anything about that. But she saw the opportunity to send you away. So she did it. Ted didn’t have anything to do with it. And your playing didn’t have anything to do with it. If anything, it should be a compliment that she knew we would be worse without you.”

“Still couldn’t have sent me away if I hadn’t made coach bench me.”

That…

“That doesn’t mean you deserved to be sent away. You didn’t. You got benched for half a match, and that should have been the end of it. You did enough to make it okay.”

“I didn’t. Was shit.”

“You don’t have to be perfect.”

“I was really shit. You knew I was.”

That…

“You had some behavioural issues. And I had my own jealousy. You’re doing well now. I’m sorry you went through more shit than you should have had to to get here.”

Jamie shrugged.

“So… who knows?”

Right. People who hadn’t told Jamie.

Jamie deserved to know that too.

If he wasn’t angry at Roy or Rebecca, he wouldn’t be too mad at them.

“Higgins knew from the beginning. He finally quit that time when he thought she’d gone too far. Keeley and I found out when some pap was taking our picture and I stole his memory card. It had pictures of Ted and Keeley at one of Keeley’s modeling jobs. The one where she was the lion. Ted was helping her eat, since she couldn’t get the paws dirty. Keeley had seen the shots before, yeah, when her friend stopped them. So she wanted to know who he took them for- and of course it came back to Rebecca. I told Rebecca she had to tell Ted or I would. This was while you were gone. She- I do think she’s sorry she did it. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt a lot of people. I don’t know of anyone else who knows. I- don’t want them to play worse.”

“But you told me anyway.”

“I told you, what you were assuming was worse. And you deserved to know.”

Maybe the others did too. But, if it was going to fuck with their play, Roy would bet that they wouldn’t want to know, like Jaimie had said. At least until they were back in the Premier League.

Or, until the last match was over, at least.

“Ted forgave her, yeah? She fucked with his life too. More than mine. I was just on loan. Was always going to go back at some point, probably.”

“Ted did forgive her. But that doesn’t mean you have to.”

“I’m glad I’m at Richmond for real now. Not on loan. I- Ted would probably say it all happened for a reason. The universe or something. I’m not angry. I mean, I understand wanting to piss someone off that bad. I did that stupid reality show to get back at me dad. Was really stupid. But got me here, so… whatever.”

“And if you had to spend some time back in Manchest, at least you went early enough to get a medal,” Roy said. He knew it wasn’t the way Jamie wanted it. But, it was something he’d been apart of, which no one could ever take away. Roy hoped he would look back on it well one day.

“What?”

“Every player who has at least five appearances on the winning team gets the medal.” He knew Jamie had made enough appearances. He’d looked up the rule and kept tabs. “They gave you one, didn’t they?”

“Oh… I gave it to me dad. I didn’t give a shit about it. Thought it would make him happy.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

“That fucking ungrateful bastard. You know he doesn’t deserve you, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Ah… Higgins made it so he can’t come to the club, not even for matches. Not that he would try, but… he isn’t allowed.”

“Good. I’m sorry you had to see him more in Manchester.”

“Yeah,” Jamie answered. “It’s fine. S’over.”

“You’re not going anywhere unless you want to, you know? Rebecca fucking owes you.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“Good. You won’t. No one at Richmond wants you to either.”

“Don’t know about that.”

“I do. Anyone with half a brain would know we need you to get back into the Premier League. And anyone with half a heart would want you anyway. You’ve done the hard work, and everyone forgave you for being a bit of a prick, and if they haven’t, that’s their problem.”

“I was mean to Nate.”

“Nate talks about how great you are all the time.”

“He’s mean to Colin and Will.”

“What?”

“People that get bullied bully others. Nate’s just… doing that. It’s my fault.”

What? Was he? Of course he was, or Jamie wouldn’t have said anything. Jamie would be more likely to notice.

“First of all, Colin and Isaac are grown men who made their own decisions to be rude to Nate. I singled you out back then as the one to fix it, but you weren’t even the worst to him. And if you want to play the fucking ‘pass the blame’ game, then it goes back to at least your father. And that’s true, but it’s not that helpful. You’ve done the work. Took responsibility. Did the team work, the passes, the tape on the jersey. Now Nate can fucking do it too. I’ll talk to Colin and Will. And then Ted, and probably Ted will talk to Nate. Would probably go better than if I do it.”

Ted would be calm. And Ted had more of the moral high ground, because Roy had done stupid shit. Like headbutt Colin. Fuck. He had apologised for that after becoming coach. After he double checked with Keeley that it was Colin he hit.

Ted would handle it.

“Don’t Keeley have her magazine photoshoot today?” Jamie asked. Was it? Jamie would know better than Roy would, apparently.

“I think so,” Roy agreed, sure Jamie was right.

“They don’t want you there? Being arm candy?”

“We broke up.”

“What?”

“Keeley and I. Broke up.”

“Sorry.”

“Wasn’t your fault.”

“Obviously. Keeley don’t like me like that. Still sorry.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Of course he would assume that was what Roy was thinking.

“Even if that was why, it wouldn’t be your fault.”

“Are you alright?” Jamie asked.

Fuck.

“I’m fine.”

*****Jamie*****

“You don’t have to be fine, you know? I wasn’t, after Keeley broke it off. Tried to pretend I was. Picked up a girl. Chatted with Keeley like a friend. Didn’t call that girl again. Tried another girl, and another, but they weren’t right. Tried a guy, but that didn’t work either. It’s tough- trying to find someone. Especially after someone great, yeah? Not that I think you’ll be alone forever… I mean… when you’re ready, you’ll find another special person- special girl, I mean. Woman. Special woman.”

“Maybe.”

Roy wasn’t the sort to want to be alone, and he wasn’t the sort who would have to be. He’d get a great woman some day. One who liked to spend all more time together, probably. Roy needed that.

“Do you- want a hug?” Jamie offered. Roy wasn’t the type to ask. Actually, he probably wasn’t the type who could even say he wanted it. “I mean- is it okay if I hug you?” Jamie asked instead.

“Fine.”

Roy’s hugs were the best.

Especially when Jamie wasn’t crying.

Roy was single.

Jamie hoped Keeley was okay.

Even though Jamie was sure she’d been the one doing the dumping, that was probably hard when she cared about the person. Jamie had never done that.

Jamie was still thinking about Sam too.

How to convince him to stay.

Even though Sam should do what was best for Sam and all.

But Jamie couldn’t see that being somewhere else.

Sam would stay if Rebecca asked him to. She wouldn’t even have to get back with him, just ask him to stay. But Jamie didn’t understand why they weren’t together, or whatever. Sam was fit. And nice. And he didn’t give a fuck about her money.

He wanted to tell all that to Roy.

Technically, Sam had given him permission.

Roy was single.

Sam said he could use them as an example or whatever.

That was stupid.

Roy was straight.

And Jamie had already told him how he felt, so if Roy wanted…

Obviously he didn’t.

He was just a nice guy with a tough guy outside. And he let Jamie see him.

Maybe Roy needed a hug more often than he let people know.

“You know… the doc’s going to be leaving soon.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I like her, but… if you wanted to talk to someone, there’s lots of doctors. And they can’t tell anyone. Because of real laws. Even online. I got this app. To try it out for after the doc leaves. Like anonymous therapy. When I like someone enough, we can video chat too, but I kinda like the texting too. I like someone paid to listen to me whine. Keeley was right when she took me there. I’m glad she was too busy to listen to me. Turned out alright.”

Roy squeezed him tightly. Was nice.

“I’m glad she brought you to the doctor too. They’re… really good, and can do things a friend can’t. But friends will listen to you too. I don’t think Keeley meant she’d never listen to you again. You can talk to the people who care about you. You have to be careful with who you trust if it’s something the fucking journos would want to know, but… there are still people you can trust. Including Keeley. And… me.”

“Thanks. And… I’d listen to you too, you know? Sam seemed to think I was pretty good to talk to a couple times, and I know I was helpful the last time. Not sure about today. That sucked. I don’t want Sam to leave. Can I have that stew you made?”

The stew was fucking delicious. 

They watched some shit reality show on the telly that wasn’t Lust Conquers All.

When Jamie said he was cold- which was a lie- Roy raised his arm to the back of the sofa to let Jamie sit close.

Chapter Text

*****Roy*****

Roy was having a shit day.

Not as shit as Ted’s.

Fucking Nate.

Fucking spineless Nate.

Roy woke up to a message from Keeley saying that he needed to read the fucking paper.

Fucking Trent Crimm.

“It was Nate, yeah? Because it sure as fuck wasn’t me, and I know it wasn’t you. And I don’t know how many people know.” If it was between Higgins and Nate, Roy would bet Nate.

Roy found Beard to talk to instead of Ted, because Ted would be having his own hell of a day, and if Roy talked to the spineless little ingrate himself, Roy was going to make a fucking scene.

“That is my deduction as well.”

“Jamie told me that Nate’s been shit to Colin and Will. And I knew he’d been complaining about Will’s job, but I thought it was just him not wanting to let control of his old job go, but I think it’s been worse than that, and more than a coach being tough on players, and I didn’t notice.”

“I told Nate to be better. I don’t think he listened.”

“Whose job is it to fire him?”

“Ted doesn’t want to do anything. I think he hopes Nate will tell the truth and apologise.”

“Fuck!”

Nate would still be the fucking kit man except Ted decided he liked him.

“Fuck!”

Roy complimented Colin and Will twice each during training and managed not to look at Nate for more than a moment. Ignoring him would probably be worse for him, and better for Roy.

He was going to forget about this and focus on the match ahead.

If Ted didn’t want to do anything, it wasn’t really any of Roy’s business.

Apparently inviting Jamie Tartt over once was considered a standing invitation.

Like a vampire, though Roy wouldn’t make that comparison out loud. Yeah, he’d watched Buffy. She was badass.

Jamie showed up with alcohol not long after Roy got home.

One bottle of some blue shit, and a bottle of wine.

“If you get pissed, I’m taking your keys,” Roy warned.

Roy let him in.

“I won’t,” Jamie promised. “I don’t really like being out of it. Don’t like being around other  people who are too much either. But just… a little is okay- relaxing like. And it seemed weird to show up without something? I could go get takeaway instead?”

It was weird to show up without something, not weird to show up at all.

“I just got out food to cook. Are you staying?”

“If I can,” Jamie answered.

“Fine.”

Jamie followed him into the kitchen.

“Is there anything you don’t eat?” Roy asked. He turned to see Jamie lifting himself up and sitting on Roy’s counter, bottles next to him. Alright then.

“Nah, whatever’s fine.”

“Really?”

“Mum raised me polite. Even if I don’t always act on it.”

“Not what I was asking. If you’re cooking- or probably ordering food, what do you make?”

“I can cook! Like- healthy shit, mostly. Chicken and vegetables. Fish. Occasional steak. Grains and greens and all that. I can take care of myself,” Jamie full on pouted.

“I didn’t- sorry,” Roy said instead. “I’m sure you can.”

“I cooked sometimes while Mum worked- for a few years. Even when I was at the Academy more. Or I helped on big ‘meal prep’ days. Usually Sunday night. Cook for a week, freeze some stuff that wouldn’t keep that long. Some extra for later. Was less healthy stuff then, but not that bad.”

“It can be expensive to eat healthy shit.”

“Yeah,” Jamie agreed. “I wanted to buy Mum a big house, cleaning help, cooking help, whatever she wanted, but I couldn’t afford all of it soon enough. I did get her some help for a while, when I couldn’t be there. Until she was bad off enough that the NHS sent someone. She didn’t want me to see her like that. I still did, of course. Because avoiding her would just be losing her sooner.” Jamie hopped off the counter. “Didn’t mean to get all depressing and shit. Let me chop something.”

“Do you want a hug?” Roy asked.

Jamie shrugged, “Pretty much always, but I’m-”

Roy gave him a hug.

Maybe Roy was the same. Pretty much always. 

Roy would be a fucking wreck when he lost his parents, and he had had a lot more years with them.

“What’s for dinner?” Jamie asked, but he hadn’t pulled away.

“Chicken and veg. Pasta if it’s in your meal plan.”

“Some pasta’s fine. I can help.” He stirred then, so Roy let go.

“Can put on some music if you want,” Roy offered. He resolved not to mock whatever Jamie picked.

They mostly talked about football through cooking and dinner, music on low to cover the silences that weren’t bad. Football, but not about Richmond. About scouting Roy had done, and about AFC Wimbledon’s progress. About Premier League teams that weren’t Man City. It was easy making conversation.

They ended up on the sofa again after dinner.

Roy had a water, because he didn’t want a second drink, and he didn’t need caffeine. And he was trying to drink more water.

Jamie made the same choice, except he was occasionally crunching a piece of ice. Which probably wasn’t good for his teeth, but Jamie could afford it.

Roy could tell he was nervous.

Jamie sat close again with minimal invitation.

Maybe it wasn’t exactly normal, considering everything Roy knew.

But it wasn’t that different than hugging in front of the whole team.

Jamie picked some show Roy didn’t recognize, but left it muted.

“I think… I want to tell the lads that I like men. Would that… do you think it would be okay?”

“If you want to, you should,” Roy answered automatically.

Fucking hell, that was…

“Do you think I should wait until after the last match though? I don’t want to fuck up anything.”

“Jamie- you are the only one who gets to decide who you tell when. But if any of the lads give you trouble, they’re going to be the one with the problem to deal with.”

“I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.”

“You won’t. I don’t think any of the lads will give you shit. If you tell Ted, he’ll probably buy you a cake. Or make one.”

“Sounds nice. Sam said that too- about the cake. Sam didn’t mind when I told him. He ah… well, I thought he was coming out to me first, because he asked if I knew what it was like having feelings for… someone people thought he shouldn’t, or something like that. So I told him about- you know. But his wasn’t a guy, so I kinda outed myself for no reason, I guess. But he was good about it. Smiling a lot, shaking my hand, saying nice shit. I have permission to tell about his problem, if you can keep a secret? I kinda want to… know what you think?”

What was Roy supposed to say to that?”

“If you think it will help.”

“Well, they met on Bantr, yeah? You know Sam’s been on his phone all the time. And it’s like… connecting for real, and not shallow or whatever? And then it turns out to be Rebecca.” What the fuck? “And I guess they dated for a bit? But then Rebecca wanted to take a break or something? And I don’t know why the fuck she’d do that, because Sam’s great. He’s hot, he’s athletic, he’s a really fucking good person, and they liked texting each other all the time, and they like football, and he doesn’t give a fuck about her money. How’s she going to find that again? And if she just asked him not to leave, I know he wouldn’t leave. And he shouldn’t leave. Do you think every team is going to hug him when he shits on their biggest sponsor? I didn’t think of that until just now, but it’s really fucking important. Maybe she feels guilty for the whole… sabotaging the team thing- but it’s worked out better for Sam than for anyone. He’s really young, so being relegated isn’t that big of a deal, and he’s gotten to play the position he wanted, which Mannion and Cartrick never would’ve let him do. And I can tell him I’m not upset, and Ted’s not either, so I don’t think Sam would be. Maybe I should tell her that? Is it okay if she knows I know about her plans or whatever?”

“Maybe she’s worried about being twice her age? Or being his boss? What if he wants kids and she can’t have them?”

“Then they can adopt? Two men can’t have kids, and that’s a stupid reason to not be with someone you love. Or there’s like… surrogates or something. They’re rich.”

“She’s still… twenty something years older than him.”

“So?”

“Some people might be worried about life expectancy.”

“Well, I think that’s bullshit. My mum died when she was thirty-nine, and me dad’s still alive in his sixties, and if I could- fuck- she was worth so many of him. He was a lot older, and she still went first. And isn’t Mannion way older than her? If she would date older, why not younger? Age is stupid. I’m pretty sure Sam’s as mature as her- probably more mature, actually.”

Fuck.

Jamie’s mum had been really fucking young.

Jamie had been so fucking young.

Jamie’s dad was a massive prick.

“Maybe she’d rather be the one taking care of someone old than someone taking care of her.”

It was the wrong thing to say, Roy was sure.

But Roy didn’t know the right thing to say.

Didn’t know why he was arguing.

“Well, besides that no one knows how long someone’s gonna live- she’s rich. She can hire someone if they want. Multiple people- way more than the NHS gives. That’s a stupid reason not to try,” Jamie objected.

“She’s his boss. She has power over his contract.”

“So? She can be a boss and treat him fairly. Or make Higgins or Ted in charge of that if Sam wants. Sam’s a good player, she’s not going to want to get rid of him anytime soon. And, if it happens, they can deal with it. They’re adults.”

Roy was sitting with Jamie pressed against his side, listening to a defence of office place relationships- and Roy had dated Keeley, so he wasn’t in any position to object. Except that had gone shit for him. But Jamie wasn’t… No. They had the most important match of the year the next day, and Jamie hadn’t wanted anything to fuck up his play. There was enough shit happening. And just because Roy didn’t hate… okay, really… was interested in the idea… Roy hadn’t even tried male gay porn. But he wasn’t really into porn. He wasn’t going to have some kiss experiment like he was twelve- or at least he wasn’t going to do it with his player just before the most important match of the season.

“I don’t think Sam will leave,” Roy said instead. “If he does, the team will pull together and be okay.” Especially if they were in the Premier League.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Jamie put his head down- against Roy- and unmuted the show. Roy didn’t have any fucking clue what it was.

They could talk later. Two days until the off season started.

“Fuck!” Roy had a thought.

The reason for his whole shitty day that Roy couldn’t possibly have just… forgotten about while talking to Jamie.

Roy hadn’t been intending to tell Jamie, because Jamie didn’t want to know anything that would fuck with the last match.

“What’s wrong?” Jamie asked.

Jamie lifted his head up, which- Roy wanted it back against his shoulder. That was a problem, but not Jamie’s actual problem.

“That story about Ted came out because Nate fucking told. I know it was him. Beard knows it was him. Ted knows it was him, even if he won’t let us say anything to the prick. But it was him. Not many people knew about Ted’s panic attacks. You need to be careful who you tell and where you tell them, because he might go running to the press about you too.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I think I might… tell everyone anyway? That’s for telling me, but… if it gets out, it gets out. I guess I’d prefer to be in the Premier League when it does, but… I don’t give a shit what the media says about me. I’m not looking forward to seeing me dad, but that’s nothing new. And I blocked his number, and, well, I’m not sure he’s figured that out yet, or he’d probably have his friends texting me, but then I can block their numbers too. He don’t have that many friends. And my building has security, and I told them not to let him in. And security won’t let him in at Richmond either. And… he don’t know where you live, and that’s mostly where I go.”

“You still shouldn’t have to be outed. I can threaten him. But that might only buy time.”

Jamie shrugged. “At least he has reason to hurt me. Not like Ted. That sucks for Ted.”

“No one should ever be hurt like that. And I told you before, you did the work. Nate’s shitty choices are his own. I don’t know why the fuck he’s turned on Ted.”

“Because he thinks Ted’s replaced him.”

“What?”

“He’s jealous of you.”

“If he’s going to be jealous of retired footballers coaching, he’s in the wrong fucking line of work.”

“Well, I’m sure he’s jealous of you being Roy Kent, yeah, but like… like you said, Rebecca dumped Ted in totally unprepared, yeah? Two Americans who had never coached football. Barely knew about the game, yeah? And Beard’s got his books and all, and caught up on the rules and all that shit- and maybe he knew some before, I don’t know. But he didn’t live it. So, Ted found the closest thing to an expert around- the kit man. Nate was convenient, and Ted likes everyone. So he got Nate an assistant coaching job- which Nate never would have gotten like that. On a Premier League team, when he was just a kit man at his age? Will’s like in school still. University. He’s real smart. Gonna be like a Higgins or something one day, I think. So… I mean… I don’t know what I weren’t around Richmond for, but… Nate had this crazy job he knew he don’t deserve, yeah? But he knew the most football of any of them, so… maybe he felt like he deserved it, yeah? And it was a great job, knowing the most about football. Until you was a coach. And he’s not going to know more about football than you. Not going to know what a player can do like you. So he’s jealous. And he can’t be mean to Roy Kent. Easier to hurt Ted. Easier target, and he probably thinks Ted deserves it more anyway.”

Jamie understood people.

Roy wouldn’t have believed that once, when he thought Jamie only noticed himself.

“That’s fucked up.”

Jamie shrugged. “Yeah.”

Jamie unmuted whatever show he put on after neither of them talked for a while.

Roy wished he knew how to fix it.

Jamie put his head back on Roy’s shoulder after a while.

Maybe Jamie wasn’t too fucked up about any of it.

Jamie left behind the mostly full bottle of the blue shit along with the wine.

*****Jamie*****

“Ah, coach? Can I say somethin?”

“You sure can, Jamie,” Ted said.

“Right. Ah… I kinda thought I could give hints, and not have to say it, but I think I’m shit at that, and I just want to say it. I like men. And women- still like women. But also men. But I’m not starin’ at anyone in the shower or anythin’ like that. So that’s- yeah, that’s it.”

“Congratulations, Jamie,” Sam said first.

“Too right, too right about that, congratulations and thank you for telling us,” Ted said. “And I’m sure we will all here be kind and respectful, and keep this business private until our Jamie Tartt says otherwise.”

“If anyone talks to the fucking journos, I’m going to find out who, and make your life fucking miserable,” Roy threatened.

Jamie smiled.

“Don’t need to do all that. I think I might… tell everyone meself this off season. You know, when we’re in the Premier League.”

Isaac startled Jamie with a roar, but it made Jamie laugh.

Someone started a ‘Let’s go Richmond’ call, and they all picked it up.

It felt fucking incredible.

It might have been all the team that hugged or patted or lightly shoved Jamie, and he felt the… the love from all of it.

Jamie hoped Sam would understand how special this place was. Well, the people really, not the place. But this was where the people were. Maybe it was a little bit the place too. Even the formerly haunted treatment room. Even if Jamie didn’t really go in for all that. But it was definitely the people. Jamie thought… maybe even most of the fans would be okay. Bantr let you set all kinds of things. Jamie looked into it, even if Bantr wasn’t for him. He was a lot better at pictures than words.

But when he could jump around and yell with his team, he didn’t need real words.

*****Roy*****

Jamie didn’t invite himself over the day before the match.

When his place was too empty, it was really fucking telling who Roy was missing.

Roy kept looking at that mostly full bottle of blue alcohol so casually left at Roy’s place.

Fuck.

*****Jamie*****

Before Ted, Jamie hadn’t known that other people scoring could feel good.

Before, he mostly just felt jealous of his teammates that it hadn’t been him to score. He thought it should be him every time. That he should be good enough for that.

Jamie had felt good about it the first time when that great assist became the winning goal against Richmond. And even that had been about Jamie.

And that had only felt good for a second. Before he saw Isaac. Colin.

Even when he came back to Richmond, he weren’t happy every time someone scored. Especially if it were Dani.

Because Jamie was still… learning, especially then. He got better at it.

But Dani sinking that shot that Jamie told him he could make was the best.

Jamie was happy for Dani.

Happy for everyone.

Jamie didn’t even want the credit for knowing Dani could do it.

Dani hugged him, and it felt really fucking good.

But Jamie looked for Roy.

Bumbercatch was hugging him.

Roy even lifted him up.

Roy was strong, and his knee usually did okay, it seemed like. Now that he wasn’t training every day.

Jamie was happy. Roy was happy.

Was a really good fucking game.

Jamie stumbled away when someone jumped on Dani’s back. Jamie thought it was Will, maybe. He weren’t really looking.

Jamie made it to Roy, finally.

Roy lifted Jamie a little when they hugged too. Jamie was a lot taller and bigger than Bumbercatch, but Roy still did it.

Roy pulled back too soon.

He usually didn’t. Usually waited for Jamie to move away first.

But they were on national- international- television.

And then Roy started jumping up and down. Roy Kent. Roy. Roy jumping up and down with Jamie.

Was the greatest fucking thing.

They poured into the dressing room, and it was like… it was like too much happiness to fit in the small space. Overwhelming.

Jamie’s hair was probably a mess.

Jamie grabbed Sam’s arm.

“Are you staying?”

Maybe he still wasn’t supposed to say anything.

It could mean anything, right? Shit.

“I should tell someone else first. But yes.”

Jamie hugged him.

He could do that.

No one seemed to mind hugging Jamie, even with the liking men thing.

Sam was staying.

And they were going up.

Was the best thing. 

  Jamie really just wanted to go cuddle up on Roy’s sofa, but they were all going out, even Roy.

Was good to be with all the lads.

As perfect as Jamie could imagine it.

*****Roy*****

Roy hadn’t known when to expect Jamie next, but it hadn’t been the next morning after promotion.

Though it shouldn’t be that surprising. Jamie had only had one drink that Roy had seen all night.

And Roy would have seen.

“Is this okay?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah, come in,” Roy answered.

“Thought you’d be at Richmond going over film, but I didn’t see cars there.”

Roy wondered how out of the way that trip was. He didn’t know where Jamie lived.

“I have some here, and I’ll go in tomorrow.”

“Oh. Can I watch? What you got here, I mean, not tomorrow. That would be weird.”

“Yes.”

“Yes to-”

“Come on then.”

“Yeah,” Jamie smiled. That big, open, crooked smile when he wasn’t trying to look sexy.

Fuck.

Wasn’t the season anymore.

Fuck.

Jamie tucked into his right side meant Roy didn’t reach for the pen and paper on the table on his left.

It wasn’t likely that Roy was going to write anything anyway. He was shit at notes. He’d say what he thought and Beard would write it down. He’d watch the match more than once anyway, skipping around to important bits. Usually he’d do it at double speed, but what was the rush?

As if he was going to be any fucking good at paying attention to the match anyway.

“So, you’re a Premier League coach now. Does that mean you get a raise?”

“Don’t know. But you fucking should.” Roy didn’t know how low Jamie’s Championship salary was, but he deserved a decent Premier League salary.

Jamie shrugged. Roy felt it. And the way Jamie seemed to shift even closer. Jamie was sharing his footstool. Footstool sounded stupid for the massive fluffy thing he’d gotten to keep his leg elevated. Sometimes he left it out. “Manager’s working on a new contract. I’ll sign whatever. I asked for a long one. You’re staying though, right? And Ted? And Coach Beard?” Jamie needed a new contract because they’d only given him a season before. Roy… Roy wasn’t sure how he would have reacted to any of it if he’d already been on the staff. Roy hoped he wouldn’t have objected. They obviously needed the fucking goals. And, yeah, Jamie had mouthed off to the press at City. But he was hurt.

“Yeah, we’re coming back. And Nate fucking better not be. I haven’t heard officially, but I’ll talk to Rebecca if I have to.”

Rebecca would fix it. She would know not to keep him around her people. And she wouldn’t want a leak to the media hanging around.

“Ted would forgive Nate if he apologised.” They were basically cuddling. Jamie’s legs were touching Roy’s. Jamie was turned slightly inward. “I think Colin and Will would too. Colin forgave me.”

Roy’s arm was around Jamie. He squeezed without really meaning to. “Well, Colin knows you mean it. They all do.”

“Maybe Nate will mean it.”

Ted would like to hear that.

“Maybe one day.”

Roy didn’t know what he was doing until he heard Jamie’s sharp intake in breath.

Roy had… had a hand in Jamie’s hair, and he’d clenched it when Thierry allowed a goal.

“Sorry,” Roy murmured.

“S’fine.” But Jamie was moving- squirming.

Fuck.

Roy felt him against his thigh.

Hot and hard and very very… male.

And Roy’s intense reaction of… want would be enough to remove doubts if Roy still had them.

“Sorry- sorry- fuck.” Jamie pulled away more.

Fuck.

Roy didn’t move his hand from Jamie’s head. He didn’t grab, he just… didn’t move.

Fuck.

“Jamie, it’s fine. It’s normal. I don’t think there’s a footballer who hasn’t gotten hard watching-”

“It’s not from the match. Still in the miserable part, aren’t we? We’re already down. Was from… you petting me hair and smelling really good. And I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make it weird. I just really like it, and- can you forget it? I’m sorry. Really sorry.”

“No, we need to talk about it. I want you to have a supportive, caring… support system that doesn’t depend on me.”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Roy didn’t have the right fucking words.

Roy leaned in and kissed his cheek.

It was too much to go for the lips.

“I’m not rejecting you,” Roy found the words to say.

“What?”

“Keeley and I broke up because I was… fantasising about cuddling with you.”

“W-hat? Yeah? Really? Is it… just cuddling? Because that’s okay. I mean, that’s… that’s great. If this is a… platonic… or… or romantic but not sexual? I just need to know, for like… expectations.”

“I don’t have any expectations. I’ve… wondered what more would be like, but I’m most concerned with you being safe, and feeling safe,” because those weren’t the same thing, “And being happy. You need to know that it won’t affect your place on the team, and if there was any team issue, I would leave, not you.”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“You might get tired of seeing me all the time-”

“I won’t.”

“You say that now, but-”

“I won’t. When Keeley was saying she was seeing you too much, I didn’t understand it. I don’t like bein’ alone, and I want you around all the time. But if you need some time, that’s… that’s fine.”

“I won’t,” Roy admitted. “I should probably tell Ted and Rebecca, if you’re okay with that. I know you might want some time, since you just came out. Which I am very proud of you for,” Roy added. He’d wanted to tell him earlier.

“Proud enough for a kiss?”

That was something Roy wanted to stop right there.

“I don’t believe in anything sexual being used as a reward, or withholding it as a punishment. The second part gets more difficult, because people upset with each other might not want to have sex. But I don’t believe in threats or bribes with sex.”

“Oh. Yeah, that makes… sense.”

“And, especially, how well you do in training or a match, or how well Richmond does- or how not well… doesn’t change this.”

“Yeah, I… yeah.”

“Do you want me to shave my beard?”

“What?” Jamie sputtered.

“I saw a video of an interview where you appeared to misunderstand the meaning of the word ‘body language’ and ranted about how you weren’t having sex with Coach Beard. That he wasn’t your type- because he was ‘too scratchy’.”

Jamie had been wearing a hoodie with the hood up and fidgeting. He hadn’t been comfortable, but he was talking to a fucking journo, and it was a day or two after the City match. He shouldn’t have been talking to anyone, and that was on Richmond.

Roy continued. “I thought it was a joke at the time, or saying that you don’t like men. But now I’m thinking… it was a hint? That you like some men, but not beards?”

“Was a hint- a shitty hint. I mean, couldn’t be with Coach Beard because like… I don’t even know his first name? Do you know it? And I don’t know how to talk to him. It’s not really about the beard. I mean, I’ve never even kissed a man with a beard, so what do I know?”

Did that mean Jamie had kissed men without beards? Probably.

“I tried to find out the man’s name for about five minutes without asking, and I couldn’t find it, so I gave up,” Roy said. “I think they’re both waiting for someone to ask, and it’s not going to be me. I’m sure Rebecca and Higgins know from his contract, but it hasn’t come up in my presence. And asking them feels like cheating.”

“Yeah, I don’t really care. I don’t want to kiss him. Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah.”

Jamie shuffled around, and Roy could see his hard-on before Jamie sat in his lap.

“This okay?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah.”

Roy kissed him.

Maybe Jamie leaned in at about the same time.

Jamie moaned and his hips stuttered against Roy.

Jamie pulled away first.

“That okay?”

“Was fucking hot.”

Jamie grinned- the cocky, sexy one, but it was still real.

Jamie kissed him again, with more grinding that time. Roy knew Jamie would feel him too.

When Jamie pulled away and scooted down, Roy thought for a moment-

Jamie settled with his head on Roy’s chest.

Roy couldn’t really feel Jamie’s erection anymore, it being somewhere between Roy’s slightly spread legs. Jamie would definitely feel Roy against his torso.

It was sexy without being urgent.

“I could cut my hair. I know the headband looks dumb.”

“What?”

“You offered to shave.”

“That’s different. Your hair is your fucking business. And you have to keep it out of your eyes when your playing, so you need a headband or a fucking lot of gel, and I don’t give a shit which, or what you do with it on your own time. My beard is your business, because I want to keep kissing you, and it might irritate your face or wherever else.”

“Where-ever… else?

“Yeah. Wherever else my face went that might be more sensitive. Did it bother your face?”

“Was scratchy, but I don’t mind. Was hot.”

“If I grew it out, it would be less abrasive, if you’d prefer that.”

“What?”

“When the hairs are longer, they feel softer. They lay down flat instead of straight out into your face.”

“Have you been kissing men with long moustaches?” Jamie asked. He tilted his head up awkwardly to see Roy’s face without lifting his head.

“No. I’ve kissed women with my own facial hair at different lengths, and that’s what they’ve said.”

“Oh, right.” Jamie looked back down again.

“What… other areas might you worry about… beard burn on me?” Jamie asked.

Roy studied him. “Anywhere you want. If you’re into armpits or feet, they’re going to be cleaned really fucking thoroughly first, but yeah.”

“But… anywhere else?”

“I haven’t forgotten about your arse or cock, if that’s what you’re asking. I’d want those decently clean- don’t plan on going down on you right after a match.”

“Fuck,” Jamie breathed.

“If that was important, I’d try it once to see-”

“Fuck. Fuck, Roy. Fuck.”

“Alright, if you’d showered before, and it was just a couple hours of sweat-”

“Fuck, not that, or- fuck, that would be hot, but- anything would be hot with you, Roy. I- I don’t really believe- any of it.”

Jamie still had his head tucked into Roy’s chest. That was good. Nice. Perfect.

Roy petted Jamie’s hair.

“I like the longer hair. Nice to- run fingers through. But whatever you want. Wouldn’t have to be long for that anyway.”

“Longer helps to really grab it.”

“You liked that?” Roy hadn’t meant to.

“Yeah,” Jamie breathed.

Roy brought his fingers into a loose fist experimentally.

Jamie took in a sharp breath.

Roy relaxed his hand and started moving it again.

“If we do this, I’d need it to be serious.”

“Mate, I was gonna give up having sex with anyone but meself to be your platonic cuddle buddy.” He said ‘platonic’ carefully. “For as long as you’d let me keep hanging ‘round. Don’t want no one else. That’s pretty fucking serious.”

“Are you alright with me telling Ted and Rebecca?”

“Yeah. Can I tell the lads? At least Sam? But I’d like to tell them all. And… if we’re tellin’ people… who should tell Keeley?”

“She won’t be surprised. She told me to be careful with you. She’ll be expecting it. I can tell her.”

“Would you like… tell your family?”

“If you want. I’d need to talk to Beth before Phoebe, because I’ve never asked Phoebe to keep a secret before. I’m not sure she could do it.”

“Do you… still have your parents?” Jamie asked carefully.

“Yes, both of them. And one grandmother. I would tell them.”

“And you think they’d be… okay with it?”

“My dad might be weird, but he’ll figure it out. He’s not a complete arsehole.”

“I’m not gonna tell mine, but I don’t care if he finds out. I just don’t wanna talk to him.”

“You never have to.”

Jamie cuddled back onto Roy’s chest. Roy glanced at the match still playing. Still in the first half, but Roy hadn’t noticed much in some amount of time.

Roy ran fingers through Jamie’s hair.

“Do you think the tape leaves in the celebration after?” Jamie asked.

“Don’t know,” Roy said. He would usually cut it before then anyway.

“Wish we’d talked about this earlier. Could have kissed.”

What?

“You’d want that?”

“I might have watched… some videos like ‘Best kisses in sports’ or ‘10 Gay Football Kisses’. They can kiss right on the mouth, and still no one really thinks there’s anything going on. I mean… I don’t care what people think, except… maybe would be nice for some young footballers looking for those kisses to find more of them. And good ones. I hate it when like there’s this one where a fan snuck on the field, and like basically assaulted a player, and I hate that being in any of them.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah. I also don’t like the like… aggressive distraction ones? I mean, unless they’re actually together, but I don’t think so? But the celebration ones- those are good. Or, like, I don’t know of any for cheering up after a loss, but that would be sweet too.”

“If you want, next season…” That was planning weeks, months ahead.

“Yeah, sounds nice. Would you care if people figured us out?”

“No. Though, it’d be rougher for you. You have a lot of career left.” He might want some of it to be somewhere that wasn’t Richmond. Somewhere that might not want to bake a cake for him.

“I… might want people to know. Sometime.”

“Whenever you want.”

“Wish was gonna see all the lads. Or… maybe should text them? So, like… if any of them have a problem with it, they can prepare to keep it to themselves?”

“If no one reacted to you coming out, I don’t think they would for this. No one bothered you, did they?”

“Nope. Lots of congratulations. A few offers to introduce me to people. I said I wasn’t looking for a date.” Good. “If we told people, Phoebe wouldn’t really have to keep a secret then either, if we didn’t mind it getting out. If you didn’t mind.”

Getting it out to everyone.

To teenage boys searching youtube for gay football kisses.

Wasn’t a bad thought.

“As long as I tell Ted and Rebecca first. And Beard and Higgins.”

“Your Diamond Dogs,” Jamie said.

Nate had fucking been one of those. Roy hadn’t realised the team even knew that name.

“Yeah. Guess I’m an honorary member.”

“Pretty sure you’re a full member. Or would be if you want.”

It wasn’t the first time Roy’s life had been changed in less than half the time of a football match. Maybe it was how all changes happened. Or maybe this one shouldn’t even count, because it had been building up for days… or longer, depending on what counted.

Roy had never known what to do with himself in the offseason- except on years when he had more football.

This year, he’d do coaching shit for sure.

Figuring out how the fuck to… have him and Beard replace fucking Nate. Roy had fucking appreciated the prick’s ideas. Roy thought he’d even fucking said it before, maybe.

But he’d find time to relax too.

Jamie was probably good at that. At knowing balance between football and life.

Maybe they’d get away.

There was a fucking lot of the world where people wouldn’t recognise either of them.

He was sure Jamie liked beaches.

“Mum used to tease me over my crush on you.” Roy refocused on Jamie. Any time he talked about his mum was special. He was really fucking glad that the woman had known about Jamie liking men and had accepted it. It didn’t matter that Roy was the celebrity- probably one of many- that Jamie had focused on back then. Maybe it was a bit of an ego boost, but it didn’t matter. “Offered to take me to a signing, but… usually would mean missing work, and I didn’t wanna meet you like that anyway. Wanted to play against you- or with you. I couldn’t decide.”

“I’m glad you got to do both.”

“I’m not. I mean, would have been cool if I’d been subbed in when we played in 2019, but I didn’t get to. I asked for it- to get to play against you, but was told no. When the loan came up with Richmond, I wondered if that was why I went there. Probably not. But I wish it had only been with you. And like, with you as coach is good too, o’ course. So it’s alright now. Just wish… you know.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Roy repeated. “With my leg? Was a fucking great last move for me. Was better than I had been all season- maybe the season before too, even if I fucked the tackle. I’m still proud of it.”

Jamie burrowed into Roy further, and Roy wanted to get him out of that thought.

“Do you think your mum would approve of me, or would I have a hard time winning her over?” Roy asked. Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to ask.

“Yeah, she’d be really fucking happy for me. I… hope she is. Somewhere. I mean, it might sound dumb… hoping that… there’s something…after.”

“It’s not dumb,” Roy said. Maybe he would have said so before. Fuck, he’d practically said so to Keeley not that long ago. Before the funeral. But he really fucking hoped there was something after. Something good, because Jamie’s mum deserved it. Jamie deserved to believe it. “I love you.” Whatever he’d intended to say, it hadn’t been that. It was already too emotional a moment for that.

That was probably why it came out.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I love you,” Roy repeated. No sense in not, now.

Wasn’t like he was going to start a relationship this stupid without there being something real.

“I love you too. Told you that before, I guess. But I mean it even more now.”

Maybe thinking of the funeral had made Roy actually say it.

Maybe it wasn’t always important why something happened.

“I’m not very good at relationships,” Roy warned.

“That’s alright. I’m probably not either,” Jamie shrugged against him.

It felt really fucking good, having him there.

“You just tell me if you get tired of me,” Jamie said. And it might as well have been Roy who said it. Fuck, they had matching insecurities on that one. Roy started to squeeze him closer as Jamie continued, “Or if you wanna put a ring on it.” That was different, even from the rest of what they’d been saying. The ‘together for as long as the other wants.’ Or, at least it was different to Roy. “If… you wanna… sometime… if this works out,” Jamie finished.

Fuck, that was insane to even talk theoretically about that.

“Yes,” Roy hauled him up higher and kissed him. “Whenever you want.”

They were absolutely fucking mad. Why deny it?

Chapter Text

*****Jamie*****

Roy told the coaches and Rebecca the day after they got together.

It woulda been pretty hypocritical for it to not go well, but Jamie was still relieved when he got the text from Roy.

Jamie sent a message to the players group chat after that.

Jamie looked at their responses sometimes when he wanted a smile. He took screenshots, so they wouldn’t get buried.

“Do you want to take a trip together this summer?” Roy asked.

“Yeah. Where do you wanna go?”

“Beach?” Roy suggested.

“Love the beach.”

“I’ll plan something.”

“Sounds good.” Jamie put his head back on Roy’s shoulder.

“Marbella?” Roy suggested.

“Sounds good. Ah… where’s that?”

“Southern Spain. Mostly beach.”

“Nice.”

Jamie closed his eyes and enjoyed Roy’s hand in his hair.

*****Roy*****

"There’s this… jewellery store I saw on Instagram," Jamie started. "In Marbella. They have a lot of like… men’s engagement rings? I think it’s owned by a gay man. Or like- at least a man with a husband. Obviously that don’t mean he’s gay. I just thought… when we’re in the area, might want to look?”

Roy was a man in his late thirties.

He hadn’t ever expected to be… essentially proposed to.

But Jamie had brought it up twice.

Phoebe would be thrilled.

Roy hadn’t actually told her he and Keeley had broken up before he told her that he was dating Jamie. She had taken it well.

Roy smiled. He was smiling.

“Sounds nice,” Roy said.

“Can just look.”

“Can buy as many as you want. If you want one for every fucking outfit you have, I’d buy it,” Roy promised.

“I’ve got a lot of clothes, mate,” Jamie said. But he was smiling too.

Roy shrugged, “I’ve got too much fucking money.”

“You don’t have to buy me shit. I have me own money.”

“That’s not how engagement rings work, muppet. You can buy mine.” It didn’t work like that when they both had money, Roy was sure. And Roy had a fucking lot more money than Jamie. He needed to get a look at Jamie’s new contract before Jamie signed anything put in front of him. Because Rebecca still fucking owed it to Jamie.

“You’d actually wear one? I mean, it wouldn’t look girlie,” Jamie said.

“Seems weird for only one person to have one.” Even though straight couples did that all the time. Was weird.

*****Jamie*****

“Ah… English?” Jamie asked, wishing he knew more Spanish. “Or- app?” He held up his phone with his translation app up.

“I speak English well enough, most days,” the shop man said. He looked nice.

“Probably better than me,” Jamie answered.

“How may I help you gentlemen?” the smiling man asked.

Roy nodded at Jamie.

“Ah… I saw you have like… men’s engagement rings? Like… I want it to look like an engagement ring? Roy might like one that can be a wedding ring except he wears it early? But I want two different ones that like… go together. Ah- we might just be looking, though. We haven’t done this before, just… happen to be in the area.”

“I have more options than anywhere you might find in the city. Probably the country. It is a particular interest of mine.” The man showed his own two rings on his left ring finger. Jamie knew they had options from looking online, but there weren’t that many pictures. “Should we start with a budget? All of our stones are certified conflict free, but I assure you we can be beautiful at any budget. Particularly with the lab created stones.”

“No budget. Whatever he wants. Can get a dozen of them,” Roy announced. “Or I’m sure you’d get something custom for the right price?”

“Don’t need to be all that. I just want… like,” Jamie tried to word it right. “When I post a picture on Instagram, I want it to be obvious? Though I guess if I have his hands too, that’ll be obvious. Maybe with the wedding ring there, so it doesn’t look like we eloped? I mean, like our friends know about us- well, not about the rings, but like- about us dating- and liking men- but like… not the world? So this could be like… a coming out slash engagement announcement. If you think?” Jamie looked at Roy.

“You know I want whatever you want.”

“That’s lovely. Are you a… Instagram ah… famous person? I am sorry I do not know all the young people.”

Jamie looked back at Roy, who was just smiling.

“If you don’t tell until we post something, we’ll tag your shop. I’m a professional footballer. Premier League.”

The man clapped his hand to his face.

Looked like he might cry all the sudden.

“I would not tell. Of course I would not. I- I am so happy for you. You as well, sir. I- will close the shop,” he said walking for the door.

“Oh. You don’t have-” Jamie started.

“Let him do it. We can pay extra.”

“My husband loves football,” the shop owner said. Jamie should get his name.

“Well, you can tell him if he can keep a secret. We… don’t know when we’re going to announce it,” Jamie looked at Roy.

“Whenever you want.”

“How- did you meet?” the man asked.

“Roy was my captain. But I had a poster of him when I was a teenager. He was the captain of England. Now he’s me coach. But like… it’s not weird. Especially because he wasn’t me coach at first, and he’s not really even me boss and-”

“You are adults. I do not judge. You have a beautiful story. Let me find you your perfect rings.”

“Thanks, mate.”

*****Jamie*****

I’ve been thinking about this a while, and wanted to wait until the offseason. Glad to be back in the Premier League with my best mates who all support me. I’m bisexual.

Keeley had shown him how to add alt text on Instagram for screen reader accessibility, so he did that too. Casual picture of AFC Richmond team in changing room in Richmond kit. Jamie Tartt in the middle. Everyone smiling.

Jamie shared it to Twitter too.

And he wanted to keep sharing.

Thank you @johngreen. I think I have read The Fault in Our Stars more than anyone else in the world. Mostly I have listened to my mum's voice read it to me. She recorded it for me when she was dying of cancer. Thank you @hankgreen too.

Thank you @johngreen for the youtube videos with FIFA. You don’t know how much the stories about Bald John Green and his teammate and husband Other John Green meant to me. Player and former teammate will be pretty close. @realroykent @joyasdeensueno

Jamie put the picture there. The alt text for that one read: Hands of Jamie Tartt and Roy Kent with engagement rings. Mine is the one with the cool black stone. Bought at @joyasdeensueno

Chapter Text

*****Jamie*****

“Training run,” Roy announced. Everyone knew he meant just Jamie.

Jamie didn’t need to be told twice. They hadn’t had proper sightseeing before the match. And, as much as Jamie loved the lads, he wanted time in Amsterdam with his husband.

That hadn’t stopped feeling new.

Husband.

Jamie suspected where they were headed long before they got there.

He told Roy some other Amsterdam trivia along the way.

Roy checked his watch a few times, and Jamie knew it wasn’t for the time, but for directions. From his Garmin watch that Jamie was sure was at least a version or two old when Roy bought it. If they still made them.

“Do you know what this is already?” Roy asked when they were jogging down the right canal. Past other would-be-identical benches.

Probably there wouldn’t be people taking pictures when it was already dark outside.

And it had been a lot of years. Probably fewer fans coming to the bench.

“Yeah, but I really wanna go anyway," Jamie promised.

Jamie stopped in front of the bench.

It looked about the same as when Jamie had last seen it.

Fewer locks, but Jamie knew someone cleared them out when it got to be too many. Probably the bench was painted more than the others too, even if the paint looked chipped and covered in writing.

It was perfect.

“Can you sit in the middle?” Jamie asked.

Roy sat down as instructed.

Jamie settled next to him in the pose from the movie.

He wanted to see if it was comfortable.

Was the same bench the actors sat on, Jamie knew. Someone actually stole it, but they got it back.

To Jamie, it was more special now that it was where him and his mum sat.

Not positioned the same of course.

Jamie facing Roy, with both of Jamie’s legs between Roy’s. Was pretty comfortable.

“You've been to this bench before, yeah?” Roy checked.

“Yeah, but not with a man. Or a woman. I mean, well, was with me mum.”

Roy nodded.

He was always real careful when Jamie brought up his mum.

Was sweet.

“Makes sense. You knew all the tourist sh- things.”

“Why didn’t you say shit?”

“Because it’s important. If you remember it, it’s not shit.”

“Yeah. I’ve…” There wasn’t anyone around nearby, not really. No one standing around. And Jamie was so close to Roy. “Actually been to Amsterdam twice. Before this.”

Roy just waited for him to keep going.

“When I was fourteen, me dad was trying to get back with me mum. And he was acting like… some kind of fucking super dad, or some shit.” That was shit. “And he brought me out here for some father-son bonding time. He said it was to watch a football match.” Jamie had been thinking about that too much this trip. “But, after the match, he took me to the red light district for my real present. He took me to lose my virginity to those ladies behind the windows. To ‘make me a man.’ I wonder if he knew then… that I looked at the other lads. The older lads. At men. Wonder if he thought he had to get me to a woman quick to show how good it could be to be normal.”

“Fucking hell.”

“To be what he thinks is normal, I mean. Yeah. I probably should have mentioned before now that I’ve had sex with a prostitute. I didn’t like… not tell you on purpose. I don’t really think about it. Maybe sort of… blocked out some of it? Can happen with… trauma. And you knew I’d been with loads of people, and was still clean, so…”

“I don’t care who you’ve slept with except for how it affects you,” Roy said gently. Always so gently with Jamie when he needed it.

“Yeah… I knew it… wasn’t right even then. I think. But I focused on the things I learned. Because I wanted to be good. Make it good for… the girls I’d be with. So I learned a lot. Didn’t block out that, I guess. Or I didn’t right away. But teenagers… aren’t supposed to be good at sex.”

“Yeah. So fucking sorry that happened to you.”

“Yeah. So… I told my mum how great Amsterdam was. I still… well, obviously I still wanted me dad to come ‘round and give a shit about me. Took me another… ten years to… yeah. I told her it was my favourite place I’d ever been, I said. Didn’t tell her about the virginity losing thing, of course. I’m glad she never knew. She didn’t get back with me dad anyway, so good for her. She woulda tried to stop Dad coming around me too, if she knew how bad it was. But I didn’t want her to.”

“It’s not your fault or hers,” Roy murmured.

“Yeah. Anyway… a couple years later, when she was sick, and The Fault in Our Stars was like… our book. They went to Amsterdam, you know. And mum wanted to go. Wanted me to want to go, I think. So we did. On one of her off weeks from chemo. She still felt like shit at the beginning of it, and I was afraid she was gonna get sick- because chemo trashes your immune system, you know? The only thing shittier than chemo is dying of cancer, and… my mum had to do both. I guess there’s a lot of shitty ways to die, especially that young, but… yeah. It was a good few days. We did all the tours. Sights from the movie, and other stuff. I was worried about the steps in the Anne Frank House, but she did fine. Did great. And we sat on this bench, of course. Was good. To have good memories of this place. It’s a nice place.”

“Good,” Roy said.

“You know… I realised the first time I heard it that… that in the book- Hazel and Gus… They lost their virginities in Amsterdam too. But theirs was real different. Like… they were a few years older. And a few years are a lot then. But mostly, theirs was different because they were in love. You probably think it’s weird, me mum reading a book with a sex scene in it to her teenage son- late teenage- that shoulda just been able to read for himself. But, there weren’t like- no- no adjectives like- no descriptions of it. So not graphic. Just… a little more than saying that it happened. Like that it didn’t feel incredible or horrible, and they laughed. I wanted to laugh.” He had sometimes, in bed with Roy. Because he didn’t think he had to be perfect all the time anymore.

“I read the book. I don’t think anything in it would be weird for a mum to read. I’d love to listen to your mum read the book. I should have asked before now, if you wanted to do that together.”

“You just read it though. And watched the film when it was for movie night. Thought you might want a few years to forget bits.”

“Whenever you want, I would love to experience that with you.”

Whenever Jamie wanted it, Roy would read to him. Whatever Roy happened to be reading already, or whatever Jamie asked to hear. One time so much that he was losing his voice, but Roy never complained. Even if his bark didn’t sound so scary the next day, the team still listened. Jamie had recorded some of them too. Didn’t have to worry about storage space anymore, and he liked to have it. Not like… worried Roy was gonna die anytime soon, or divorce him. But it was nice to have a record. Roy wouldn’t have to read the same book again, if Jamie wanted to relisten.

“Should we write something on the bench?”

“Don’t have a pen. Sorry.”

Jamie unzipped his left inner pocket. Neat little pockets big enough for the little mini sharpie. And keys, or whatever they’re meant for. Was too bad Sharpie didn’t seem to make the little ones in silver.

“You don’t have a sharpie on you? What if a kid asks for an autograph?”

“Fuck, I love you,” Roy groaned.

“You better. You married me.”

Roy kissed him.

Turned towards Jamie, hand on his cheek, and everything. Maybe Jamie moved Roy’s other arm around Jamie’s back, and put his own arm around Roy’s neck. Roy wouldn’t mind copying a romantic kiss for him. The way he smiled into Jamie’s mouth said he probably realised what Jamie was doing. Fuck, Jamie really loved him too.

“What should I write?”

“Whatever you want.”

Jamie found a place where the marker would show up.

Jamie Tartt-Kent

Roy Tartt-Kent

He drew a heart around it. Basic, but he liked it.

He took a picture of it.

“Didn’t get picture of us snogging. Can I?”

Roy spread his arms again. Jamie crawled back into the right position, and put Roy’s hands where he wanted him. Roy humoured him for as many pictures as Jamie wanted. Most of them snogging, but some smiling at the camera. Roy had a really nice smile.

@johngreen @sportswithjohn I finally got a romantic picture on the bench.

Jamie picked one where they were kissing. Looked artistic.

The second photo was him and his mum, sitting normally on the same bench, smiling at the camera. Was daytime then, but the picture quality was still worse. Older camera.

She had her favourite headscarf on. Manchester City Blue. Jamie knew it had been her favourite just because Jamie got it for her. Jamie looked so young back then. He really hoped his mum could look down or whatever, and see him now. But it helped enough that he never wondered anymore if she would be proud.