Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Our story begins, as it will end, with four fearless boys. The boys were known and loved by all as the Raccoon, quick on his feet and quicker to justice, Mysterion, immortal and brave, Tool Shed, with the ability to handle any tools, and Human Kite, agile and known for speed.

The boys had their differences, but eventually came together as one united alliance, and they called themselves Raccoon and Friends.

"What?" Kyle interrupted Cartman.

Cartman turned his attention to Kyle. "Christ, what is your problem now?"

Kenny raised his hand. Cartman rolled his eyes. "What, Kenny?"

Kenny said, "why is it called Raccoon and Friends?"

"Exactly!" Kyle backed Kenny up. He looked pissed off as usual. Cartman assumed he was probably on his period again. "Why can't it be called Mysterion and Friends? Mysterion is way cooler."

"Yeah!" Kenny agreed.

Cartman groaned in frustration. "Because I'm going to be the main character in my movies!"

"I want to be the main character," said Kenny.

"Mysterion, mysterious characters cannot be main characters," Cartman told him. "You get to be the cool side character all the edgy fans will worship, okay?"

"What about me?" Kyle demanded. Cartman made a mental note to remind Kyle to take some medicine for his menstruation cramps later. "Why can't I be the main character?"

"Because you have the lamest costume and the lamest name," Cartman told him. Kyle frowned and shut his mouth. He couldn't disagree there. "And Stan can't be the main character because who the fuck cares about tools over super strength?"

Cartman looked at Stan. He was sitting on the floor next to Kyle, his eyes glued to his phone. He hasn't said a word once since the boys all gathered for their usual superhero Saturday meetings in Cartman's often messy room. Stan just raised a finger at Cartman, flipping him off.

"Fuck you too, dick!"

Stan didn't reply. He leaned closer to Kyle while he continued texting. Stan was probably texting Wendy again, if his careless and emotionless expression said anything. They were on their third breakup this month. Cartman hated when Stan cared more about some bitch than their super important superhero meetings. If he kept this assholery up Cartman would have to replace Tool Shed with Craig. Craig was the only other kid in their class that looked close enough to Stan so fans wouldn't care when they changed actors.

"Stan," Cartman coughed loudly. "Stan!"

"What?" Stan snapped. He finally looked up from his phone. He looked furious.

"Who the fuck are you texting?" Cartman said. "This is an important meeting, dickhead, you are supposed to be paying attention!"

"I am paying attention!" Stan lied. "I'm just texting Wendy." 

"Dude she said it was over," Kyle said. He sounded peeved. "Why do you keep bothering her? You should respect her wishes."

Stan protested, "I am respecting her wishes! She just-she just doesn't know what her wishes are. She'll forgive me if I keep apologizing to her."

"Dude," Kyle shook his head.

Cartman thought it was funny how Kyle had an obvious crush on Stan but Stan spent all his time constantly trying to get back with his ex girlfriend. God was a comedic genius. And it gave Cartman an absolutely brilliant idea. He cleared his throat dramatically. "Kyle, Stan, Kenny, you assholes better pay attention. I'm seriously, guys, my mom is forcing me to see one of her stupid old ass friends in an hour, so we have to rap this up."

Kyle, Stan, and Kenny gave Cartman their undivided attention. That was much more like it. "What our superhero story needs is a romantic subplot."

"A what?" Stan deadpanned.

"A romantic subplot!" Cartman repeated. Kyle and Stan looked unconvinced. Cartman would just have to convince them. "Think of it, every superhero movie-and every movie ever-has a super cheesy, overdramatic romantic subplot! People want the drama, the tension, and the making out scenes. That's what we need, a romantic subplot." 

Stan's face lit up. "Oh, you're right! I never thought of asking Wendy to play superheroes with us!" he started typing on his phone again.

"No, Stan!" Cartman stopped him immediately. Stan stopped and looked up from his phone, confused. "We're not asking a lame ass girl to play superheroes."

"We're not?" Stan asked, not looking any less confused.

Kenny said, "I can be Princess Kenny again!" his response did not surprise Cartman. He was always trying to bring back Princess Kenny.

"No, Kenny. What fucking superheroes movie has princesses in it?"

"Oh," Kenny said sadly.

"Then where are we going to get our romantic subplot?" Kyle asked skeptically. This was amazing. Cartman was so happy he had this super amazing idea.

Cartman said, "we pair up Tool Shed with Human Kite."

Stan and Kyle turned beet red with embarrassment. Cartman wished he had a camera with him. He would take a picture of their stupid gay faces and put it in a gold frame and hang it on his wall forever. 

"What?" Kyle sputtered. "Why?"

"Because! What else do people like more than they like romantic subplots?" Cartman asked. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny remained silent. Lord, did he really have to answer his own questions every god damn time? "Token gay characters! Hollywood loves token gay characters."

Stan looked hesitant. He refused to look Kyle in the eye. It was pure comedy gold. Cartman wanted to give himself a pat on the back for creating this genius idea. He really outdid himself this time. "I don't know, Cartman," Stan began carefully. "Do we really need-"

Cartman had to stop him right there. "Stan, do you know how much gay movies sell these days?"

Kyle crossed his arms and pouted. "We're not actually making any movies, fatass!"

"Movies or no movies, someone has to play the love interest, Kyle! And there's no way I'm letting stupid girls play superheroes with us. Would you two please just suck it up and kiss a couple of times? Jesus."

"Why does someone have to play the love interest?" Kyle demanded angrily. "We don't need any love interests!"

"You are so wrong it hurts, Kyle," Cartman sighed dramatically. "Every good story needs a cheap, thrown together love interest. And congratulations," he pointed at Kyle and Stan. "That is you guys!"

"Fine," Stan finally gave in,

Kyle sputtered in disbelief. "F-fine? What do you mean, fine!?"

"He's right," Stan reasoned with Kyle. Cartman felt proud hearing those words come out of Stan's mouth. "Every story I ever watched or read has a love interest. And-and it makes more sense for it to be Tool Shed and Human Kite, because they're closer than the other characters."

Stan carefully using the words 'Tool Shed and Human Kite' instead of 'us' didn't go unnoticed by Cartman. It didn't go unnoticed by Kyle, either, who looked saddened and confused by his words.

"Okay," Kyle grumbled, his arms still crossed. "What the fuck ever. I don't care." He sounded like he cared a lot. Cartman hoped his time of the month would be over soon.

"Then it is settled," Cartman said. "Glad we have all came to an agreement."

Kyle muttered something under his breath Cartman couldn't quite catch. Knowing Kyle he was probably throwing a stupid fit about the whole thing. Cartman needed Kyle to be a team player, not a mopey crybaby. 

"We will start our new superhero adventure tomorrow!" Cartman declared. "As soon as I pick who our villain is going to be."

Chapter Text

Our four brave heroes wandered the streets, their eyes and ears on the look put for danger. South Park could be quite dangerous during the treacherous lunch hours on a Sunday. People getting out of church and wanting to beat the lines at every fast food place imaginable. A constant, never ending race. A never ending nightmare.

But it wasn't too much for our amazing heroes. For they could always overcome any obstacle that dared to come their way-

"Cartman," Kyle interrupted him. "Would you knock it off with your stupid ass dialog? It's annoying."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Well,  geez. I'm sorry I'm trying to set the mood, Kyle. You know, every good story needs a good opening that sets the mood, the pace, you know what I'm talking about?"

Kyle crossed his arms. "I know that you're fucking stupid." 

The four kids reached a cross way. They waited as the cars hurried across the street. Next to the four boys was a elderly old lady.

"Aw," the old lady croaked. She sounded like she was about to turn to dust at any given moment. "Aren't you boys just so cute. I love your Batman costume."

Kenny said, "I'm not Batman, I'm Mysterion." 

The old lady ignored him. "And aw, are you a ferret?"

Cartman looked seriously pissed off. Kyle and Stan had to cover their mouths to keep themselves from laughing. "I'm not a fucking ferret! I'm a raccoon!"

The old lady looked at Stan. "And you- certainly swell looking Bob the Builder costume."

Stan frowned and looked down at his tool belt. "Bob the Builder?"

"But a way better looking one," Kyle assured him. He realized what he said and turned away from Stan, trying his best to hide his pathetic ass blushing face.

"And, er," the old lady paused. She looked at Kyle for several moments. "What on earth are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a human kite," Kyle said, feeling proud of himself. That pride was stomped on as soon as the old lady started laughing.

"It's cool!" insisted Stan. "He can like, fly around and stuff. It's cool."

"That is quite literally the gayest thing I have ever heard," the old lady coughed and wheezed on her laughter. 

Cartman snickered and elbowed Kyle, "told you your costume sucked ass, dude. I just never meant it literally-"

"Fuck off, Cartman!"

The light turned green. The kids watched dumbfounded as the lady crossed the street.

"Damn bitch," Stan said.

"Walk slower!" Cartman shouted at her. The old lady didn't look back. She kept walking. "Maybe a truck will run you over!" 

She flipped the boys off.

"There she is," said Cartman, his tone suddenly turning serious. "There's our villain right there. Well, at least until I can find a better one, the old bitch will have to do."

The four courageous heroes made great plans to find the evil old bitch again and bring justice to South Park. But after they went home for some dinner.

"Would you fucking stop it with that?" Kyle snapped. He had reached his limit. Though he didn't really have any limit with Cartman to reach in the first place.

"I'm with Kyle," said Stan. "It is super annoying, dude."

"Of course the soon-to-be lovers are mocking me," sighed Cartman. He stuck his hands in his pockets and kicked a rock along the side walk. "It's only me and Mysterion these days, right, Mysterion?"

"It can be hard working with you three," Kenny said. "I can't see this fight ending well."

Kyle blushed. "Wait, we're doing the game now?"

Cartman raised his hands in exasperation. "Yes, Kyle! We're setting up tension between dynamics don't you watch any movies? Now you should do something you know," he winked and nudged Kyle. "Romantic."

Kyle looked as if he was going to kill Cartman and end this whole superhero movie nonsense early.  

Cartman not-so-subtly side glanced Stan, giving Kyle a thumbs up. He whispered feigned encouragement. "You totally got this, Human Kite. Don't fuck this up. I'm super seriously."

Kyle wished a hole would appear beneath him and swallow him whole. He felt like he was going to die from embarrassment.

"Er," Kyle stammered. He looked back at Cartman. Cartman looked pleased. He probably thought he was acting flustered by Cartman's teasing for the sake of their game, but really he wasn't acting at all. Stan had agreed to follow along a silly romantic subplot, but for Kyle it was real. "Thanks-thanks-"

Cartman was so busy watching the two of them he almost tripped on the rock he had been kicking and almost fell face first into the pavement. 

"Thanks-thanks for uh, backing me up," Kyle finished lamely.

Cartman's smile dropped. "You can do better than that, Human Kite! We know you've had feelings for Tool Shed forever."

It was true. 

Kyle had feelings for Stan for forever. At least, it sure felt like it sometimes.

"Take your chance," Cartman patted Kyle on the shoulder. 

Kyle couldn't think of anything else to say, so he grabbed Stan's hand. Stan looked momentarily surprised. Probably just acting, Kyle reminded himself.

"Ky-er, Human Kite?"

"Just cold," Kyle muttered out the stupid excuse. At least Cartman wasn't pushing him to do anything else. This should be good enough for him. For now, anyway.

Stan intertwined their fingers. Kyle felt his heart lodge in his throat. Stan smiled and winked at him. Kyle was a mess.

"Come on we need to hurry and go eat so we can make that old bitch pay." Cartman said. The kids started walking down the street faster. "And also, my mom said we were having tacos for dinner. And tacos are fucking sweet." 

Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny couldn't play superheroes after dinner. Not without helping Miss Cartman with the dishes, first.

"But mom!" Cartman had whined. "We need to fight for justice!"

"Oh, justice will be waiting for you after the dishes are done, sweetie." Miss Cartman said. She ignored when her son grew bright red with anger.

So the boys did the dishes.

Or, more like Stan, Kyle, and Kenny did the dishes while Cartman sulked and watched them.

"This will go faster if you help us, you know." Stan said.

Cartman crossed his arms. He was still red in the face and teary eyed. He said, "my mom just fucking sucks."

"I think your mom is cool," said Kenny.

Cartman said, "no one cares what you think, Kenny." 

"Fuck you!"

Water suddenly splashed loudly. A wine glass Kyle had been rinsing off had slipped from his hands and into the dirty, sink water. Water splashed onto the floor.

"Gross!" Kyle grumbled. "I got sink water all over my costume!"

Stan said, "hold on, dude I'll get you a towel."

Cartman watched Stan grab a dish towel from under the sink. Instead of handing Kyle the towel, Stan started rubbing Kyle's arms dry. Cartman chuckled as Kyle turned almost the same shade as his stupid ginger hair.

Stan seemed to realize a moment too late how close he was standing to Kyle and what he was doing. He staggered backwards, horrified. "S-sorry, dude."

Kyle didn't answer him. He looked like he was in a flustered daze. Stan handed Kyle the towel and Kyle idly took it. 

Cartman grabbed Stan by the arm. Stan grunted and tried to wiggle free. "Dude? The fuck gives, man?"

"I need to talk to you Stan, over here." Cartman insisted. Stan rolled his eyes but thankfully didn't protest.

"What?" Stan demanded.

Cartman peered over Stan to make sure Kyle and Kenny weren't easedropping. Kyle was drying off his costume and Kenny was rinsing off the last few remaining dishes. Good. They stayed perfectly unaware of Cartman and Stan.

"Tool Shed," Cartman addressed Stan by his superhero name, letting him know they were now playing the game. "I think you should take it a step further with Human Kite."

Stan flustered. Obvious he was getting into character. "How-how do you mean?"

"Dude, the romantic tension is so fucking thick I can cut it with a knife."

Stan blinked. "Uh, it is?"

Cartman nodded seriously. "Yes, Tool Shed. And it is so apparent that Human Kite feels the same for you."

"I don't know..." Stan muttered, sounding unsure. "I don't think he does. I don't want to risk our friendship."

Woah. Cartman had to give himself kudos for making Stan and Kyle the token gay characters. Clearly they were perfect for the job.

"You won't know if Human Kite feels the same way or not if you do not ask him," Cartman advised. He was so wise sometimes. "Just talk to him."

"We're done with the dishes!" Kyle announced. Stan panicked and jumped. "Come on guys, let's go catch an evil old bitch!"

Kyle looked almost scarily ready to fight some harmless old lady. He was very passionate like that. Stan always liked Kyle's passion.

Stop it. He told himself and shook the unwanted thoughts out of his head. "Yeah, coming. Hey, Cartman? Do you even know where this lady lives?"

The evil old lady keeps cookies in her kitchen. But the four boys knew these were no ordinary cookies. They were cookies she used to mind control others into giving her whatever she wants. First, she's offering you a cookie. Next you are giving her money, your expensive wrist watch, your third child, and your dirty underwear because you couldn't resist her 'puppy dog eyes.'

Powers such as mind control cookies had no right being in the hands of evil. It was up for South Park's greatest heroes to stop her, and bring justice to this town. 

The boys knew it would not be an easy task. The five minute walk to her house down the street was filled with struggles and hardship. Cold, strong, icy breezes that went on and on. The boys grew tired, their feet purely aching from their journey. And one particular boy had eaten so much he felt it was near impossible to keep walking.

("Are we going to just let him dialogue everything?" Kyle asked.

Stan shrugged. "I guess so.")

Finally, the four heroes made it to the evil bitch's house.

"Now what?" asked Human Kite.

The Raccoon said, "now we must break in. Human Kite, do you think you can fly up to the roof and sneak down her chimney?"

Human Kite sputtered, "no! I'd break my leg trying to get down the chimney."

"What a shame," the Raccoon dramatically sighed, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Tool Shed had an idea. "Move aside. I know how to get through the door," he declared. Human Kite and the Raccoon stepped out of his way. Human Kite may have the ability to fly, and Mysterion may have the strength of immortality, but Tool Shed had the power of tools. 

"Haha, you're a tool," the Racoon snickered, laughing behind his hands.

Stan blushed. He said that out loud. Now he was just like Cartman. No matter. Tool Shed used the flat screw driver he had in his tool belt to pick the lock of the evil old bitch's front door. He turned the door knob, testing his handiwork. The door jarred opened with a faint groan.

"Excellent work, Tool Shed," said Kenny. 

Human Kite muttered, "um... excellent work. It was really impressive." 

(Stan thought Kyle had to work a little harder to nail being 'flustered and stuttery' but he got his blush down perfectly.)

"Okay, Mysterion," the Raccoon pushed Mysterion closer to the door. "You first."

"What?! why me?"

"Because you're immortal, dumbass!" The Raccoon reminded him.

"Oh, right."

The Racoon, Human Kite, and Tool Shed watched anxiously as Mysterion slowly pushed the door all the way open. Inside, the house was dark. The only light coming from all the way down the hall, in the living room.

"It's clear!" Mysterion whispered.

First, Mysterion carefully snuck inside. Then, The Raccoon followed behind him. Tool Shed was about to go next, when Human Kite grabbed his arm.

"I'm worried," Human Kite whispered. "What if she uses the mind control cookies on us?"

"She won't," Tool Shed said. "I'll protect you." He glanced to make sure Cartman wasn't looking. "Not that you need it."

Tool Shed grabbed Hunan Kite's hand, and they went inside together.

("Why do I have to be the girly one?" Kyle protested when Cartman brought it up during their Saturday meeting.

"Because Kyle, every gay relationship has to have the girly awkward and scared one and the masculine one who assures him." Cartman sighed.

"That's not even true!" Kyle argued. He was really pissed off. "You're fucking basing shit off of harmful stereotypes!"

Cartman slapped his own forehead. "Just cooperate Kyle, and buy some Midol, seriously. Okay, moving on.")

"Careful team," the Raccoon whispered. "She might have booby traps set up. Keep your eyes peeled." 

"Got it," Human Kite said.

The Raccoon noticed the two holding hands. He winked at Human Kite, who turned bright red in response. 

Tool Shed intertwined their fingers, like he did earlier. He could have sworn he heard Human Kite's breath hitch.

The four heroes snuck into the kitchen. But the kitchen was perfectly spotless. How were kids going to find anything in a clean kitchen?

"She's good," the Raccoon muttered darkly. "I'll give her that. But we can outsmart her. Hurry! Find the cookies before its too late!"

"I'll fly above to see if I see anything!" Human Kite told his teammates.

The Raccoon nodded. "Let us know if you see anything."

Human Kite flew up into the air and carefully glided down, landing onto the kitchen countertop, were he had a view of the entire kitchen. 

(Stan watched with worry as Kyle struggled to pull himself up onto the countertop.

"Dude, don't fall," Stan said.

"I'm fine!" Kyle grunted, finally scrambling up on the counter. He was panting. "Man, these things are fucking tall.")

"See anything up there?" Mysterion asked Human Kite.

Human Kite must have noticed something odd. He gasped and pointed at the top of the fridge.

"Cookie jar spotted!" He shouted.

The lights in the hallway turned on. The four kids froze. There were foot steps coming down the hall.

"Hurry!" The Raccoon shouted.

"We need a distraction!" Tool Shed said.

"Throw silverware at her!" The Raccoon suggested.

Mysterion rushed to the drawer by the sink. He tried to tug it open but the drawer was stuck. A little white piece of plastic was keeping it closed.

"Uh oh, we have a problem guys," Mysterion said in fear. "Child safety lock."

The Racoon scrunched up his nose. "You mean someone mated that ugly bitch?"

The foot steps were nearing. The boys were running out of ideas. The Raccoon looked panicked. He shouted at Human Kite, "fly up to the fridge! You must get that cookie jar if it's the last thing you do!"

HUnan Kite nodded, a sheer look of determination on his face. He ran across the counter to gain momentum before he took flight.

"We still need a distraction!" said the Raccoon.

Tool Shed acted purely on instinct and ran to Mysterion's side. He used his hammer to smash the child safety lock, and Mysterion pulled the door open.

"Excellent, Tool Shed," the Raccoon praised.

"Yeah!" Human Kite said, out of breath. He was now on top of the refrigerator, his face red and sweaty with exhaustion. "That was really quick thinking, Tool Shed!"

Tool Shed's heart skipped a beat in response to Human Kite's praise. Then, the kitchen light flicked on. And there was a loud gasp behind the boys.

"What are you doing?!" the evil bitch demanded.

"We spoiled your evil plans!" The Raccoon gloated with a cackle.

The old evil bitch tried to take a step closer. Tool Shed and Mysterion grabbed handfuls of silverware and started throwing it at her. (They only threw the plastic spoons at her to avoid seriously injurting her.) She gasped and shielded her face while staggering backwards.

The Raccoon shouted urgently at Human Kite, "quick! Throw me the jar of cookies!"

"You're trying to steal my cookies?!" The woman cried. "But why?"

"We will not let you mind control this town anymore!" The Raccoon said to her fiercely. Human Kite tossed the jar of cookies to him. He caught them in his hands. "We know all about your cookies and their 'secret recipe', and we have come to stop you!"

"What are you fucking kids talking about?!" The woman shouted.

The Raccoon made a run for it. "Mysterion!" he shouted as he ran towards the doorway where the woman stood. "Keep her busy while we escape!" 

"Why me?"

"God damn, oh for fucks sake! Because you're fucking immortal, jackass!" The Raccoon shouted, annoyed.

"Oh, right."

Mysterion lunged for the elderly evil bitchy woman right as the Raccoon slipped past her, mind controlling jar of cookies in hand.

"Ow!"

Mysterion was hanging on to her leg tight. She tried uselessly to kick him off. But it didn't work. Mysterion was too strong. She was no match for him.

"Tool Shed!"

Tool Shed looked up at the refrigerator. Human Kite was at the edge, looking down in fear. "Tool Shed!"

"Can you get down?"

"I used too much of my powers!" Human Kite told him. "I'm too tired!"

Tool Shed was totally batshit crazy for this. But he wouldn't abandon Hunan Kite, his best friend, and the love of his super human life. Even if he was always too afraid to admit it. Even to himself.

"I'll catch you!"

(Stan made a mental note to tell Cartman about his dumb cheesy inner dialogue. He would totally love it.)

"You're crazy!"

"Yeah, maybe!" Tool Shed agreed with him. "You probably weigh a fuck ton! But I'm not leaving you!"

"Oh my God!" wailed the old crazy evil bitch. She sounded purely horrified. Tool Shed almost felt sorry for her, before remembering she was totally crazy and totally fucking evil. "Please Don't! Don't do it kid! Jesus christ, don't jump off the refrigerator!"

"Silence, bitch!" Mysterion growled at the woman. 

"I'm serious!" she cried. "You are going to break your ankle or something!"

"I'll catch you!" Tool Shed repeated urgently. He held his arms out for emphasis. Human Kite looked conflicted. He looked scared. And then he looked trusting. And he jumped. Well, he sat down and dangled his legs over the refrigerator. Then he lowered himself down, and then he fell right into Tool Shed's arms. 

"Christ!" shouted the old lady.

"Nice work, Tool Shed!" Mysterion said, still clasped to the evil old bitch's leg.

"You- you saved me," Human Kite murmured breathlessly.

"Sure did," Tool Shed wheezed. He was right. Human Kite was fucking heavy as fuck. "I'm-going to put you down, now." He did.

"Thank you," Human Kite whispered.

"You're welcome," Tool Shed responded. 

They were close. Really close. Tool Shed could feel Human Kite's body heat. He could count the freckles on his nose.

"Tool Shed, Human Kite, run!" Mysterion grunted. "I can't hold her back forever!"

"Thanks, Mysterion!" Tool Shed grabbed Human Kite's arm and they ran.

"Well, another might of hard work and crime fighting," the Raccoon said as the four kids walked back to Cartman's place. 

"What do we do now?" Kyle asked.

Cartman opened the jar of cookies. "I use my powers to rid these cookies of their mind controlling powers. Now, I think we all earned ourselves a treat."

Chapter Text

Every super cool hero had a super lame normal life. The Raccoon and Friends, that super lame life was school.

No one knew the four boys secret. No one appreciated their hardships, and all they did to protect them from great evil, such as delicious mind controlling cookies.

Every kid all around them ate their lunch and chatted with their friends, mindlessly. They didn't know.

"Eric?" Butters asked. "Are you okay?"

"Why do you care?" Cartman snapped at him. "Are you gay or something?"

Butters glowered and grumbled something under his breath. Stan patted his back momentarily. "Dude ignore him. He's an asshole."

"Did you guys hear some kids attacked an old grandma?" Clyde asked the boys.

Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all looked at each other, worried. Was Clyde on to them? Was he trying to find out the secret identity of the four heroes?

"Where'd you hear that?" Cartman asked, sounding a little too casual. He flexed his hand out in front of him, as if admiring his nails.

"My dad." Clyde said.

"And do they know which brave, cool ass kids managed to pull that off?" Cartman asked with a hum. Stan and Kyle glared at him. Cartman ignored them.  

Clyde said, "I just assumed you guys did it."

The boys paused. Clyde just stared at them blankly. He was definitely on to them. They had to backtrack. Fast.

"What makes you think it was us?" Stan asked. "Why would I want to attack some old hag?"

Clyde said simply, "because you guys always do dumb stuff."

"Right," agreed Craig. "Because you guys are assholes."

"No we're not," Cartman scoffed angrily. 

Tolkien said, "no yeah, you guys kinda are assholes." 

Butters and Tweek both agreed. Both boys had first hand experience in being the four boys' friend, and both know it was true. 

"Well we didn't attack that old lady," Kyle said. "Logically, it would have been kids from outside of town. They would never get caught doing it. Or the sixth graders, because they're just generic looking bullies, and haven't been used to fit any other role so far."

"Whatever," Clyde said, and the conversation was dropped right there.

Cartman stared at the boys sitting at his table. All so blindly following Clyde's orders. Clyde had to be on to them. And he was putting everyone else against Raccoon and Friends.

"Guys," Cartman addressed Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. "We should all come over to my house after school. It will be super important." 

They had to talk about the dirty rat in the room. And the dirty rat in the room was Clyde.

"Oh, goodie!" Butters face brightened. "Why, can I come with you guys too?"

"Fuck no, Butters," Cartman deadpanned, annoyed as hell. 

"But-"

"Butters no one wants you around!" Cartman said. 

"Oh," said Butters sadly.

"Don't be a dick, dude," Stan said. Butters looked up at him hopefully. "But er, no you can't come with us, Butters."

"You can come to my house later tonight," Kenny offered Butters.

Cartman laughed at that. "Haha, yeah, if you want to hang out with rats and eat strawberry pop tarts for dinner."

"Fuck you!"

Luckily, lunch was over before the boys could break out into a fight. Everyone was heading back to class.

"Remember," Cartman whispered in Stan's ear. "My house. After school. I believe Raccoon and Friends had an enemy all along, and the sneaky rat stayed just under our noses."

While waiting for his friends, Cartman watched the news. He fucking hated the news. It was boring and he didn't care that much about other people. But it was the only damn thing on. So, he watched it.

"Tom, I am standing here with Miss Johnson, the elderly lady who claims four boys in ugly pajamas broke into her house, attacked her, and stole her jar of cookies." The news reporter said on the TV.

Cartman froze. "Ah, son of a bitch."

"What do you have to say about all of this, Miss Johnson?" the news reporter asked the old lady, shoving his microphone into her face.

She was going to rat them out. She really was an evil bitch. A smart evil bitch. 

Miss Johnson said into the microphone, "the kids were insane. And wild. Jumping on top of my counters and my fridge. One of them threw themselves on my leg."

The news reporter asked, "and how would you describe these kids?"

"One was really fat-"

"Ay!" 

"-Two of them were gay. Totally gay."

Cartman laughed at that. He would have to tell Stan and Kyle about it later.

"The other sounded as if he needed some cough medicine."

The news reporter then said, "we are actively trying to find these four kids and bring this old lady to justice. Now, back to you, Tom."

The news then went in about some boring bullshit like the weather. Cartman couldn't believe what he was hearing. They were gonna bring her justice? 

"People don't appreciate all we do for this town," Cartman said angrily.

Just then his front door opened, and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny came inside.

"Okay we're here, fatass," said Kyle. "What was so important you had to tell us after school?"

Stan frowned. "Why do you look so pissed off, man?"

"Maybe he found out his mom had sex with Jimbo last night," laughed Kyle.

"Fuck you, Kyle." Cartman said. He didn't have time for Kyle's usual stupidity. This was serious. Their identities were being threatened. He leaped off the couch, and told them as such. "Our very identities are being threatened."

Stan said, "threatened?"

"What do you mean?" Kenny asked.

Cartman needed them to understand just how truly dire their situation was. "First, I think that Clyde is onto us."

"I think that too," Stan said. He looked worried. "He was asking too many questions. It was weird."

"He thinks it was us who took those cookies," Kyle fretted. "He must know something."

"It gets worse," Cartman said. "You guys know Miss Johnson?"

"The evil bitch?" Kenny asked.

"Yes." Cartman nodded. "Yes, Kenny. The evil bitch. Well, she ratted us out on the news. Now people will be looking for us. She's made the world aware."

"Oh, shit!" Kenny hid himself in his hoodie.

"First Clyde," Kyle muttered. He looked lost in thought. "And then Miss Johnson? It's all too weird, dudes."

"No way is it a coincidence," Stan said, finishing Kyle's thoughts. "This proves it. Clyde is working for Miss Johnson."

Cartman hadn't even thought of that yet. It was so obvious, so right in their face this whole time, yet too obvious they never put the pieces together. It was pure brilliancy. Cartman had to give Clyde and Miss Johnson credit where credit was due. They were genius.

"And we can't trust Craig, Tweek, or Tolkien," Cartman said. 

Stan and Kyle looked sad.

"We can't?" Kyle asked.

"I was supposed to go to Tolkien's birthday party in two weeks," Stan said.

"Me too!" added Kenny. 

"Oh yeah," Kyle said. "I almost forgot I was invited to his birthday. I need to make sure I remember to buy him a gift."

Cartman wished he wasn't the only one who saw how serious this was. "No! No birthday parties! What if it's a trap?"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Are you just saying that because you weren't invited to Tolkien's birthday party?"

"No!" Cartman lied. "Listen, guys. We need to do all we can to protect our identities. We need to take precautions. We need to fuck Clyde over. Screw that kid, seriously."

"Okay," Stan and Kyle both agreed at the same time.

They were finishing each others thoughts, and now they were saying the same thing at the same time. They truly were perfect for the gay superhero roles.

"And we can't accuse the rest of our asshole friends just yet," Cartman said. "But we have to be wary. Who knows who else is working as a spy for Miss Johnson."

The boys all agreed. Stay far away from Clyde. Be wary of everyone else. Be more careful when in the superhero uniforms. 

Stan asked, "wait, does this mean I can still go to Tolkien's birthday party?"

Cartman glowered. "Stan-"

"His family is rich, man!" Stan tried to reason with him. "His birthday party is probably going to be super sweet!" 

Cartman said, "no birthday parties! Don't be a no good traitor, Stan. If any of you are going to be traitors, you better be original about it or I swear to God I'll break your legs." 

Then, Cartman had a brilliant idea. 

"We need a spy."

Stan couldn't believe he agreed to being the spy. He didn't really want to hang out with Clyde and his friends. But Cartman kept insisting that Stan was the one Clyde and his friends hated the least. 

So, the next day at school, Stan went up to Clyde and Tolkien.

"Hi Clyde. Hi Tolkien."

"Hey, Stan," Tolkien greeted. "What's up?"

Stan didn't think Tolkien was suspicious. Maybe Tolkien was unaware of Clyde and his evil treachery. Stan would have to find a way to open Tolkien's eyes somehow without revealing his identity. 

"Nothing," Stan answered Tolkien. He tucked his hands in his pockets. "But were you guys doing anything this uh, weekend?"

Clyde said, "we were going to the mall with our girlfriends."

"Yeah," Tolkien said. "As a double date."

A double date at the mall. That sounded lame as hell. "That sounds really cool," said Stan. "Can I come? I could make it, uh, a triple date."

Clyde crossed his arms. "Bebe said you and Wendy aren't dating anymore. She broke up with you."

"Um, I have a date," Stan insisted. shit, now he'll need to find a date. "So, triple date it is, then? At what time?"

"Saturday at 12 PM," said Tolkien. He grinned. "Can't wait to meet your date, Stan."

Stan blushed in embarrassment. "Right, uh, totally." Where was he going to find someone who would agree to go on a fake date with him just so he could spy on Clyde and prove to Cartman that they could trust Tolkien? 

First, Stan asked Wendy. It was pathetic, and made him feel awkward as hell. And of course, she said no.

"Sorry, Stan. But I just don't think its going to work," Wendy had said gently. "We just aren't good for each other. And constantly breaking up isn't healthy for either of us. But I'd love to be friends, I hope you understand."

Stan did understand. He didn't want to go on a real date with Wendy. Not anymore. But he couldn't tell her it was fake. He couldn't risk the mission.

Stan asked Red next. She laughed in his face in the middle of the school hallway.

"No way," was all she said before walking off with one of her friends.

Then, Stan asked Heidi. Heidi had a thing for both Cartman and Kyle at some point. So maybe she might have a thing for him too. She didn't, and also said no.

"Damn it!"

"This whole thing is hopeless," Stan sighed during recess. "I mean, none of the girls want to go on a date with me."

Kyle said, "I dunno dude, have you tried asking a guy?"

Stan's stomach flipped nervously. "Why would I ask a guy?"

Kyle shrugged and looked away from him. "I mean, it's not a real date, so does it matter who you're on a date with?"

"But I can't tell my date it's not a real date," Stan reminded his best friend. "That would compromise the mission! So I'd have to ask someone who's actually gay, and the only gay kids I know are Craig and Tweek."

"And Butters," Cartman snickered.

"Shut up, fat boy," Kenny said to Cartman. Out of all the boys, Kenny was the closest to Butters, and considered him one of his most best friends. 

"Go with Kyle," Cartman said.

Stan's heart was pounding loudly in his ears. "Wh-what? But why?"

"Then we'd have two spies," Cartman said. "It won't compromise the mission, and everyone at school thinks you guys are totally gay for each other anyway."

Kyle's face flushed. "No, they do not think that, fatass!"

Cartman chuckled. This was too funny, too good to be true. "Yes they do, Kyle."

Stan bit his lip. "He's got a point. None of the girls will go with me. You're the best choice, Kyle. I mean, it makes the most sense."

"But-" Kyle began to protest.

"It's not a real date," Stan insisted. "And all we'd have to do is hold hands, and stupid stuff like that." 

Kyle looked upset. Did he really hate the idea of dating Stan that much? 

Fake dating, Stan corrected himself. He suddenly felt very silly. 

"Okay," Kyle sighed, finally giving in. "Okay, you are right. I'll do it."

Saturday came, and Stan and Kyle met Tolkien, Clyde, Bebe, and Nicole at the mall entrance. Their eyes widened in shock at the sight of them.

"Kyle is your date?" Clyde asked, stunned.

Stan felt more self-conscious than he's ever felt in his entire life. "Uh, yes," he squeaked out. He felt hot under their stares.

"Is that a problem?" Kyle challenged, his arms crossed.

"No!" Clyde said quickly. 

Bebe elbowed him sharply in the side. "Don't be a homophobe, babe."

"I'm not!" Clyde insisted. "Craig is my best friend!" A few adults who were passing by into and put the mall were giving the kids odd looks. "I just- I didn't think Stan was gay. I always assumed Kyle might be... but not Stan."

That's because I'm not. Stan thought. But the comment about Kyle made his heart stutter. Stan never thought about his best friend's sexuality, and now for some odd reason he couldn't explain, it was all he could think about.

"Don't base people off stereotypes," said Bebe with a dramatic eye roll. "Come on guys."

"I thought you said you weren't gay," Nicole said to Kyle as the kids entered the mall. Stan forgot that Kyle and Nicole has a thing before Cartman fucked it up. Stan suddenly was all too curious about why Nicole was so interested in talking to Kyle. Kyle was his date.

Fake date, Stan corrected himself again. He felt something heavy and confusing sink into his stomach. 

"Where do you guys want to go first?" Tolkien asked.

Bebe wanted to go to Claire's first, so the kids went to Claire's. 

Bebe and Nicole gushed over the earrings while the boys awkwardly waited for them to be down so they could leave.

Tolkien asked, "is there anything here you'd like, Kyle?"

Kyle gave him a look. "Why would I want anything from here?"

"There's nothing wrong with wanting, you know, girly stuff." 

"I know that," Kyle said angrily. "But I don't. Why are you assuming I want something from here? Why aren't you assuming Stan-"

Stan put his hand on Kyle's shoulder in a lame attempt to calm him down. "It's okay," he said assuringly. 

Kyle grumbled something under his breath. He didn't say anything else to Tolkien, but he still looked pissed off.

Once the girls found the earrings they wanted, Tolkien and Clyde bought them for them. Then they left Claire's.

"Where to next?" asked Tolkien. 

Nicole answered him, "oh! Could we go to Build a Bear?"

So that's where the kids went next. Tolkien started helping Nicole look for the stuffed animal she wanted.

Clyde elbowed Stan.

"Ow! What?" Stan rubbed his side, glaring daggers at Clyde.

Clyde gestured towards Kyle, who stood a few feet away from them, looking at a pale bunny. "I think he wants that."

"Okay?"

Clyde frowned. "So buy it for him, dude. Chicks love it, so I'm sure Kyle will too. Trust me, it will strengthen your relationship."

Stan knew better than to argue. Risking his cover meant risking the mission. Stan begrudgingly marched over to Kyle. He was going to seriously regret this.

"Hi, Kyle."

"Hey, Stan."

"Um," Stan felt stupid and ridiculous. Cartman seriously owed him one for putting up with this. "Do- do you like that bunny?"

"Kinda," Kylea admitted. "And if you fucking say anything about me wanting a stuffed animal I will-"

"Icanbuyitforyou," Stan blurted out, his words all slewing together. 

Kyle blinked. "Huh?"

Stan cleared his throat. He repeated, "I can buy it for you."

Kyle didn't look any less confused than he looked a few seconds ago. Stan wished he would just go along with it. But of course, Kyle didn't. Because Kyle was stubborn, and he didn't go along with anything.

"But why?"

"Because," Stan whispered harshly. "Look around! Tolkien is going to buy Nicole something, and Clyde is going to buy Bebe something. I don't want to ruin our cover."

Kyle looked angry again. "I don't need you treating me like a girl, Stan."

Stan sputtered, "what? No! I'm-I'm not!" But Kyle wouldn't listen to him.

"Why don't I buy you a bear? Then you can stop treating me like a girl!"

Stan felt a little guilty. He didn't mean to upset Kyle. And Tolkien had already made Kyle angry earlier. 

"I don't get why you're so upset about this," Stan said. It was the wrong thing to say, clearly, because Kyle didn't look any less pissed off at him. 

"You guys keep belittling me to harmful queer stereotypes!"

"I'm not!" Stan protested, not even certain if he knew what a queer stereotype was. "I was just trying to keep our cover! And anyway, why do you care so much if you're associated to queer stereotypes? Doesn't that help our mission? It's not like you're actually, you know, gay."

"I-" Kyle's voice trailed off. He was red in the face again. From anger, most likely. "I'm going to buy you a stupid bear." He said, refusing to look Stan in the eye.

Kyle didn't answer him. 

"Which bear would you like?" Kyle muttered unhappily. 

Stan decided to go along with it. He chose a light brown bear. Once Kyle had it stuffed for him with the help of an employee, he helped Stan pick clothes for the bear. 

Then he, Tolkien, and Clyde got in line to give their bears messages.

First Clyde gave Bebe her bear. She was practically all over him afterwards. Then Tolkien gave Nicole her bunny. She heard Tolkien's message and she giggled. Then, Kyle gave Stan his bear.

"Thanks-" Stan tried to say. 

For some reason, Kyle looked both angry and embarrassed. He crossed his arms and shrank away from Stan. He muttered, "whatever. Let's just go."

Stan didn't know what Kyle's problem was. It was obvious he didn't want to be here, but couldn't he lighten up? They had to gain Clyde's trust. That was their mission. And he was behaving like a total prick.

"We should get something to eat," said Stan. Maybe Kyle was hungry, and that's why he was acting like a dick. And girls love mall food.

Clyde and Bebe agreed. "You're right, Stan." Clyde said. "I am pretty hungry."

The six kids made their way to the busiest part of any mall: the food court.

The kids all split up to get the food they wanted, Kyle trailing behind Stan to get a Philly cheesesteak sandwich and chilly cheese fries. 

"Dude, are you okay?" Stan asked Kyle while they waited in line, since they were now out if earshot of the other kids.

"Sure," Kyle grumbled.

"What's wrong?" Stan asked. "You agreed to do this. I know the last thing on earth you want to do right now is be on a date with me, but you're kinda being a dick."

"I am being a dick?" Kyle laughed, as if that was the funniest thing he's heard all day. And he's been forced to hang out with Clyde and Bebe, so it probably was the funniest thing he's heard all day. "You guys are the ones being a dick! I don't need you to buy things for me, Stan."

"You're still mad about that?" Stan asked. "Dude I get you're not for, I don't know, 'stereotypes' I guess, but aren't you kinda taking this a little too personally?"

"I am not," Kyle huffed. And then they were at the front of the line. They both ordered, got their food, and met with Tolkien and Nicole at the big table in the center of the food court. Tolkien and Nicole had got pizza.

"We're just waiting on Clyde and Bebe," said Nicole. "They're getting chicken fingers, or something like that."

"Cool," Kyle muttered. He ate his chilly fries and ignored everyone else.

"So uh, did you guys know Miss Johnson pretty well?" Stan asked casually.

Kyle choked on his fries and gave Stan a warning glare. Stan ignored him. "I mean, she loved pretty close to my house."

"Not really," Tolkien said. He didnt seem to care about the topic. Maybe he was on to them, or maybe they have finally gained Tolkien's trust. Stan wasn't sure.

"That poor old lady," Nicole said sympathetically. "I went to her yard sale once. She let me have a doll for free. She was very nice to me."

Stan felt bad for her. She didn't know just how evil that poor old lady was. He wouldn't be surprised if she had ever offered Nicole any free cookies, as well.

Clyde and Bebe approached their table.

"Hi guys," Bebe sat down next to Nicole, and Clyde sat down next to her. "That line took forever, oh my gosh, and this one girl-"

Clyde noticed Kyle's sour expression right away. "Uh-oh," he teased. "Are you two having a lovers quarrel? Heh, I know what thats like. Stan, I would just apologize for whatever he thinks you did." 

Kyle banged his fists against the table. "For the last fucking time, I'm not a girl!" 

A few people sitting by nearby tables gave them odd glances. Then they went on with their life, not caring.

Clyde laughed, "jeez, Stan, the fuck did you do?"

Kyle looked like he was about to explode. "I'm going home." He got up to leave. 

"Wow, it's really bad, man," Clyde chuckled. "How'd you manage that? I wanna try it on my girl."

Bebe gave him a look.

"Kidding, babe."

Stan didn't care about what Clyde had to say. Without thinking, he stood up from the table and went after Kyle. Clyde and Bebe whistled but Stan refused to let it get under his skin.

"Kyle! Wait!" Stan called as he chased after him. Shit! This was totally going to compromise their mission.

He pushed past a few adults as he chased his friends down. A few adults yelled at him. Stan shouted at them all to fuck off.

"What?" Kyle whipped around to face Stan. His eyes were puffy. He looked like he was about to cry. Fuck. Stan cursed himself. He didn't mean to make him cry. He stopped running. So did Stan.

Stan took a moment to catch his breath. Then he said, "I'm sorry. For whatever I did."

Kyle sniffed. "You're not sorry. You're just doing what Clyde told you to. Because you agree with him."

"I don't agree with Clyde," said Stan. "I just don't know what's wrong."

"You are all treating me differently," Kyle said. His voice sounded so small.

Stan blinked, confused. "Are we?"

Kyle nodded. He wiped his eyes on the back of his hands. "Since they think we're a couple, they've been treating me like the 'girl' in the relationship. Everyone's treating me differently since they think I'm gay."

"That's the problem? We can tell them you're not gay. It'll fuck over the mission for sure but," Stan shrugged. "I don't care, if it's upsetting you this badly then fuck the mission. Cartman will get over it."

"No," Kyle sniffled, shaking his head. "We shouldn't..." he paused. He looked conflicted, uncertain. Then, he said, "we shouldn't lie to them."

"Well, dude, we kind of have already been lying to them all day," Stan pointed out.

"But I-" Kyle took in a deep breath. "I mean, I am gay, or-or at least I think I am. And I haven't told anyone because I thought they'd treat me differently. And this? This is proof that I was right." 

Stan felt as if his world had just changed. And really, it has. Kyle was gay. But Stan didn't think there was nothing wrong with being gay. So why did his stomach feel all weird?

Kyle sniffled and wiped his nose on his jacket sleeve. "I shouldn't have told you."

"No!" Stan protested quickly. He realized how his silence must have looked. "No, that is so cool. Good for you, pal. Look, if they make a comment about it again I'll say something, like I should of said something earlier. I'm sorry I didn’t stand up for you."

Kyle smiled weakly, "it's fine."

"Do you still want to go home?" Stan asked.

Kyle shook his head. Which relieved Stan. "No. Let's go back to the food court."

"Okay."

Stan lied in bed, staring at the ceiling. He was so confused.

There was nothing to be confused about, really. His best friend liked boys. That was totally normal. That was totally fine. But Stan kept thinking about it. And the more he thought about it, the more he felt weird. Like there was a tug of war going on in his gut.

Suddenly, Stan remembered something. He got out of bed and grabbed the bear Kyle bought him off the desk he sat it on when he got home.

He never played the message. It was probably something really silly, and he needed a good laugh to forget about his confusion.

He pressed the button. And the message played. It was clearly Kyle's voice. It was clearly Kyle's words. The message wasn't static-y, there was no way he was mishearing.

Stan pressed the button again. His stomach flipped in response. He waited a few minutes, and then pressed it again. The message didn't change. Stan continued to press the button.

"I love you, Stan." The bear would say, each time the button was pressed.

Stan couldn't stop pressing the button. He felt more confused than ever. 

Chapter Text

Stan and Kyle have been hanging out more and more with Clyde and his friends. Pros: they were gaining the trust of their enemy. Cons: everyone now thought Stan and Kyle were dating.

It was like the universe was playing a big joke on Kyle. He had a crush on Stan for forever. And then Cartman wants their superhero personas to get together. And now the entire school thought they were dating.

And to make matters worse, Stan now knows that he likes boys. Which hasn't been a problem so far. But knowing Kyle's luck, it will become a problem sooner or later. He regretted telling Stan every moment he was awake. And when he was asleep he dreamed of Stan telling him they couldn't be friends anymore. 

It totally sucked ass.

On the bright side, no one found who attacked Miss Johnson. The four boys were safe,  for now at least. So they all could rest a little easier knowing they got away with something totally fucked up.

"Emergency meeting!" Cartman said on the phone. "My locker, now! Emergency meeting!"

Stan said on the phone, "would you shut up? I'm coming, lord."

When all the Raccoon and Friends were at Cartman's locker, he opened it to reveal the horrors to them all. The three boys stared blankly at his locker, confused.

"So? What's the problem?" Stan asked.

Kyle scrunched his nose up. "Ew, how long has that sandwich been in there? It looks like my dead grandma."

Kenny said, "where are all of your textbooks?"

"None of that matters!" Cartman snapped. "Can't you see? Someone stole my mask!"

"What?" Stan asked.

"I keep my mask with me at school, in case of emergency," Cartman told them. He looked stricken with panic. "And someone broke into my locker and took it!"

"Who do you think took your mask?" asked Stan. Though, he didn't need to ask. The answer was obvious. 

"Clyde," Cartman said, his voice full of rage. "Clyde took my mask. I told you, he's on to us! We have to get my mask back."

"But how, fatass?" Kyle said with a scoff. "We don't know where Clyde would have put it."

Cartman said to Stan and Kyle, "you two are his new best friends. If anyone can retrieve my mask, it's Raccoon and Friend's greatest spies. I trust you two."

"We won't let you down," said Stan.

"But don't get mad at us if we can't get your stupid mask back," Kyle added.

"Kyle," Cartman addressed him. "If you don't retrieve my mask, I will fuck you up. I mean it, Kyle."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Whatever, fatass."

"Shh!" Cartman suddenly hissed. "Here comes Wendy!"

The boys all remained silent as Wendy walked down the halls. She stopped in front of them. The boys didn't say anything. 

"Um," Wendy looked uncomfortable. She thankfully didn't question what the boys were doing. "Hi, Stan."

"Yes, Wendy?" Stan asked with a smile. 

Cartman whispered to Kenny, "Stan needs to get over that stupid bitch already, seriously. If he texts her while we're on a mission one more time, I will kill her, I am so seriously, Kenny."

Cartman hated Wendy. He hated her for many reasons. She was bossy. She was a lame skanky girl. She was a know-it-all. And she was a fucking girl. 

"Yeah, dude I thought they broke up," Kenny responded.

"I know dawg," Cartman said a little too loudly. Kyle gave them a look. If there was one person Cartman hated more than Wendy, it was Kyle. Kyle was also a know-it-all. 

"Anyway, Stan, Clyde was asking where you were, so."

"Oh." Stan said, sounding disappointed. "Is, erm, that why you came to see me?"

Wendy shrugged. "Yeah. Well, see you later." She turned to leave. Stan watched her go, until she turned the corner and was no longer in sight. He still continued to stare.

Cartman patted Stan's shoulder. "You can do so much better than that whore, dude."

"Don't call my girlfriend a whore!" Stan snapped. He looked ridiculous when he was angry. Cartman thought it was hilarious.

"Ex-girlfriend," Cartman reminded him. "You can do better, dude. I mean, Wendy's always been a stuck up bitch."

"Don't call her a stuck up bitch, fatass," sighed Kyle, who looked so done.

Cartman groaned, "Kyle, you are also a stuck up bitch. You clearly have a type, Stan."

Kyle turned bright red and looked away. He was grumbling something under his breath and suddenly looking down at his feet. Cartman would explore more of that interesting reaction later. 

"She'll change her mind," Stan insisted. "We break up all the time. I'm sure she'll come around, she always does."

"Isn't that a clear sign that you shouldn't be dating in the first place?" Kenny pointed out.

As funny as Stan's pathetic love life was, they had more urgent, pressing matters to attend to. "Are we all forgetting that my mask was stolen? And now suddenly Clyde wants to talk to Stan? It's all so unusual, isn't it?"

"Agreed," hummed Kenny. 

Cartman said, "do you think yesterday was enough? Do you think you've gained his trust?"

"I guess so," Stan said with a shrug. "I mean, why else would he want to talk to me?"

Cartman slapped his forehead. For fucks sake. "Because he's fucking on to us! He might be trying to sniff you out. You have to be careful, Stan. Tread lightly. And-" Cartman looked around the empty halls. Suddenly, he noticed Butters several feet away, laughing at something on his phone. "Be cautious," he whispered. "You never know who might be listening."

Butters noticed them, and he waved. "Why, hello, fellas!" 

"Hey, Butters," the four boys greeted in union. Once Butters was back on his phone, Cartman said, "go to Clyde. See what he wants. But be careful. You don't know what he knows. And you don't know what he's trying to figure out."

Stan nodded. "I'll be careful, I promise."

"I'll go with you," said Kyle.

Stan shook his head. "Clyde asked to see me. He might get suspicious if I bring back up. I'll text the group chat everything Clyde says. But I have to do this on my own."

"We wish you luck, brave hero," said Cartman. 

"Good luck, buddy," said Kenny.

Stan stood silently for a slight moment, waiting for Kyle to say something. Kyle didn't say anything. Stan gave up, and he left. 

"Heh, maybe we should tell Wendy Stan said she was a douchebag, wouldn't that just be so funny?" Cartman said once Stan was out of earshot. "And didn't Wendy date Tolkien? Haha, Stan needs to stop dating fucking sluts, I mean, come on."

"That's not funny," Kyle said. "Wendy didn't do anything wrong. So just leave her alone."

Cartman thought it was funny Kyle would say that. Kyle clearly had an issue with Wendy, if his pained expression had anything to say for it, and yet he was totally kissing her ass. What for? Wendy was of no use to Kyle. He didn't need to be on her prissy little good side. It was totally fucking weird.

What was going on between Kyle and Wendy? Why did Kyle seem to hate her very existence, yet at the same time constantly stand up for her and constantly defend her?

Cartman would get to the bottom of this. One way or another.

"What are you fellas talking about?" Butters asked, peeping up from his phone.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Nothing, Butters. Please fuck off, now."

"Don't be so mean to him, fat boy!" Kenny snapped.

"Kenny, if you wanna go kiss Butters ass be my guest, just don't bring me into it, okay?" Cartman said, patting Kenny on the shoulder.

Kenny smacked Cartman's hand away. "I don't want to kiss his ass!"

Cartman and Kyle watched as Kenny stormed off, muttering something that they couldn't quite catch. 

"The fuck is up Kenny's ass?" Cartman said.

Stan found Clyde outside the school, waiting by a decaying tree. When he noticed Stan, he gestured for him to come closer. Stan rolled his eyes. This was so fucking stupid. When he reached Clyde, he waited impatiently for him to say whatever it was he wanted to say. Clyde remained silent. He wasn't even looking at Stan. He was looking at his shoes, pretending Stan wasn't even there.

For fucks sake, thought Stan, exasperated. "What do you want, Clyde?" he asked. Clyde didn't answer at first. Stan sighed, and said louder, "what do you want, Clyde? I don't have all day. If I'm caught out here I'll get detention, man."

Clyde finally looked up at Stan. His expression was blank, unreadable. A cold gust of wind tugged at the few strands of hair free from Stan's puffball hat. He felt a chill run down his spine. Suddenly, he felt frozen in front of Clyde's gaze.

"There is an evil amongst us, Stan," Clyde said, monotone. He remained stoic, his expression and his voice giving nothing away. He was speaking like a true evil mastermind. "And I know it. And I think you know it, too. You can feel it, can't you, Stan?"

Stan swallowed thickly. Cartman was right. Clyde was on to them. "Yes," he said, choosing his words carefully. He hoped he didn't sound as surprised and as nervous as he felt. "Yes, I can feel it."

"Evil spreads," said Clyde. He wasn't looking at Stan anymore. He was looking past him, at the school. "It spreads furiously, and it spreads quickly. It is a weed, a weed of destruction. And it is nearly impossible to fight. And even harder to find."

Stan didn't know what to say. So he didn't say anything. He let Clyde do all the talking. That was his safest option. He just listened.

"I have many secrets, Stan," said Clyde. "And I want to trust you. But I can't, not just yet. But once you prove your trust, then you will be an ally. And you will know everything I know. And then you can help me put a stop to it all. Do you understand?"

Stan's stomach churned. Put an end to it all? Put an end to what? And then Stan realized. The school. Clyde must be talking about the school. He meant to destroy it, and everyone inside, the kids, the teachers, the school lunch ladies, everyone.

And he wanted Stan's help to do it.

"I understand," Stan said. 

Clyde nodded. "Good. You may run back to your little friends now, Stan. I cannot trust them the way I want to trust you. It's nothing personal, but from what I've seen, and oh have I seen, you have potential, Stan. Whereas your friends, the gay one, the fat one, and the poor one, they do not."

Stan turned to leave, his heart racing in his chest. This was all the proof they needed. Clyde couldn't be trusted. And he was probably the one to take Cartman's mask. It was a threat. He was threatening Stan's best friends. And if Stan didn't stay in line, he would threaten him, next.

"Oh, and Stan?"

Stan halted. He didn't look back. He just stood there, waiting for Clyde's next words with baited breath, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. He felt as if his heart was going to explode.

"I will be watching you," said Clyde. "Carefully. To ensure that your mind is not poisoned by the likes of your so called friends."

Stan swallowed. He didn't reply. He hurried back inside the school, running as if his life depended on it. And, in a way, it did.



Third period, Stan grabbed Kyle's hand and dragged him towards the bathroom.

"Woah, Stan!" Kyle protested. "Slow down! What's happening?"

"I just need to talk to you about this new video game," Stan said loudly, knowing Clyde, or anyone who was secretly working for Clyde, might be listening. "It's fucking sweet, dude. But I don't want Cartman to hear. I don't want him to hog my game, okay?"

"Okay?" Kyle questioned, utterly confused.

Once they were in the boys' bathroom Stan quickly checked the stalls to make sure they were alone. Then he checked for cameras, to make sure no one was listening. As he frantically checked the trash cans and the vents and the stalls, Kyle just stood there, looking scared.

"Stan?" he asked in a small voice. "Dude, what's going on?"

Stan let out a deep sigh of relief once he knew for sure they were safe. Then, he said, "Cartman was right. Clyde is on to us. And he told me he is always watching."

"He is? Oh god!" Kyle looked around him, panicked. "What does that even mean, Stan?"

"He said he had many secrets," Stan said in a rush. He had to tell Kyle before he couldn't. Before it was too late. "He said he wants to trust me, but I have to earn that trust. He says I have potential that you guys don't. And he talked about how there was an evil at the school! And he said it spreads fast, do you know what that means, Kyle?" he said all of that in one breath.

Kyle did know what that meant. "It means we have to be careful with deciding who we can, and cannot trust. Stan, we have got to tell Cartman and Kenny!"

"I know!" Stan said. "I know, dude! But I couldn't find them, and it would look suspicious if we all snuck off to the bathroom together. Clyde already thinks we're dating, so..." his chest heaved oddly. "They're probably thinking we're like, making out or something..." he muttered out the last few words awkwardly. Kyle blushed at his comment.

"This means we can't trust Tolkien," said Kyle. Stan already figured that, too. Tolkien was hanging out with Clyde at the mall the other day. They were really close friends. Tolkien was probably working for Clyde, or was apart of whatever 'evil' was at the school.

"Or Bebe and Nicole," Stan added.

Kyle frowned. "Uh..."

"What?" Stan asked.

Kyle looked to the right. He always looked to the right when he was hiding something from Stan. Stan suddenly felt a weird ache in his chest. It hurt him to think Kyle was keeping something from him. 

"What, Kyle?" Stan repeated, this time more firmly.

"Nothing?" Kyle tried, sounding unsure. 

"No," Stan wouldn't let Kyle get away with hiding something from him so easily. "Whatever you're thinking about, tell me."

"Just-just don't get mad at me, okay?" Kyle sighed.

"I won't."

Apparently that wasn't enough for Kyle. He pointed at Stan and said, "you have to promise me you won't get mad at me, Stan."

Stan rolled his eyes and gave in, his hands in the air. "Okay, okay, Jesus fucking Christ, Kyle. I promise I won't get mad at you, alright? Just tell me what's on your mind."

Kyle shuffled his feet in discomfort. He looked defeated. "Well, if we can't trust Bebe, doesn't that also mean we can't, um, trust Wendy?"

Stan paused. He opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out. Wendy? Untrustworthy? But Wendy was the most trustworthy girl Stan knew!

"T-think about it dude!" Kyle added quickly as soon as he saw Stan's expression. "Wendy and Bebe are best friends. Bebe wouldn't keep anything from her."

"So?" Stan demanded harshly. He didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe the girl he liked for so long was secretly a traitor and working for Clyde. It just couldn't be true. It was impossible. Wendy was so much better than Clyde. She was so much better than everyone.

"And she's the one Clyde sent to go get you," Kyle reminded Stan. Stan's stomach sank hearing Kyle's words. It was true. "That must means she works for Clyde in some way. He might be using her as a spy, for all we know! We can't trust her, dude."

Stan hated to admit it. "You're right," he finally said. His heart hurt hearing his own words. He couldn't believe it. "Cartman was right about her, too, then. She is a total bitch."

The bathroom door opened. Stan and Kyle gasped and whipped around. It was only Butters. He was humming to himself as he went to use the bathroom. Stan and Kyle waited silently for him to finish. Then they waited for him to finish washing his hands.

"What are you doing in here, fellas?" Butters asked them while he was drying his hands. 

"Nothing!" Stan and Kyle said at the same time.

Butters scoffed and threw his wet bundle of paper towels in the trash can. "Oh, I get it," he grumbled. "Don't include me. Why-why you guys never include me anyway. It's really mean, you know?" Butters sulked and marched out the bathroom.

"We should leave now," Kyle said. "We don't want to look suspicious."

As soon as his words left his mouth, the boys heard footsteps nearing the bathroom. They both started to panic. "What do we do?" Kyle whispered, huddling closer to Stan.

Stan had an idea.

"Take your hat off," he whispered. "Just toss it on the floor."

"What?!" Kyle hissed. "Gross! Why?"

Stan didn't have time to reason with Kyle. The footsteps were getting louder and closer, and they needed a cover. Stan grabbed Kyle's hat and tossed it aside. Acting purely on instinct, he ruffled Kyle's hair with his hands, making it look all messy. He saw a girl and a guy do it on HBO once to make it look like they were making out in a closet. Maybe it would work for them, too.

"What the Hell, Stan?" Kyle sputtered out. "Dude, stop!" he pushed Stan's hands away. Both of the boys stumbled. "Shit!" Kyle grabbed Stan by his coat, keeping him upright. "I'm sorry, Stan-"

"Kyle-" Stan started, out of breath, but the door swung open, cutting him off.

Stan and Kyle froze, staring at the door.

"Oh, my God!" Cartman pointed at them and laughed. "That is the fucking gayest shit I have ever seen in my life, oh lord, this is so awesome!"

"Shut up, Cartman!" Stan said, embarrassed. "I thought you were Clyde! I needed a cover up, so don't be a dick, dude!"

Cartman's smile fell from his face. "What about Clyde?"

Kyle let go of Stan and he grabbed his hat from off the floor. "He's totally evil, man," said Kyle. "You were right. He is on to us."

Cartman said, "oh, son of a bitch, I knew that motherfucker stole my mask!"



After school, Raccoon and Friends met up at Stan's house. As soon as the four kids entered the house, Randy cornered them. "Stan!" he said urgently. "I'm glad you kids are home. I need your opinion on something. Your mom is being a total bitch again Stan, and I want to prove her wrong."

"Not now dad," said Stan, pinching the bridge of his nose. His dad was so fucking stupid, he couldn't stand him sometimes. "I'm kind of in the middle of something important."

"We have an emergency superhero meeting," said Cartman, clearing his throat. "And we would appreciate it if you would kindly fuck right off."

"Dude!" Stan said, horrified. He had to get Cartman to stop swearing in front of his parents. He was going to get them in serious trouble one of these days.

"Oh," Randy said blankly. "You're still doing that totally gay hero stuff, huh?" he put his hands on his hips. "Well! Fine! I don't want your opinion anyway!" he turned and marched away.

"Your dad is such an ass, seriously," Cartman said to Stan.

Stan sighed. "I know. Let's just go to my room before he bothers us about something else that is also super stupid." 

Once they were in Stan's room, Kenny and Cartman sat on the floor, and Kyle sat on Stan's bed. Stan started pacing back and forth as he told everyone what happened in detail.

"So, Clyde thinks there's an evil in the school?" Kenny asked.

Cartman said, "because he is the evil in the school, Kenny."

"Oh."

"He said it was spreading quickly," Stan said. "Meaning he must have allies. We need to all take careful consideration in who is or isn't our friend. Me and Kyle have already ruled out some of Clyde's allies: Clyde, Tolkien, Bebe, Nicole, and Wendy."

Cartman snickered. "I told you all Wendy was a no good slut."

Stan ignored him and went on. "We need to consider other potential allies of Clyde's, so we can counter them with our own alliances, but who is left? Who can we trust?"

Kyle raised his hand.

Stan called on him. "Yes, Kyle?"

"What about Heidi?" Kyle suggested.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "No, we aren't letting any chicks in our superhero team, you guys. Chicks fucking suck, seriously, get over it."

Kyle said, "Clyde has chicks on his side, fatass! The reason evil is spreading so quickly throughout our school is because Clyde doesn't care who is allies are, unlike you!"

Stan's stomach did an odd little flip. He always found it... amusing when Kyle got angry but lately he's been finding it kind of cute. Which wasn't weird at all, Stan reasoned with himself. He found lots of things cute. Puppies were cute. Babies were kinda cute. At least the ones that had hair. But puppies and babies were a different kind of cute from Kyle. 

Not important, Stan scolded himself. "We can't trust Jimmy." He told his friends. "But we can trust Tweek, Craig, Butters, and Scott. Any one have any questions?"

Kyle raised his hand. Stan pointed at him and said, "yes Kyle?"

"Why can we trust those guys?" asked Kyle. "They're all friends with Clyde."

"Clyde is friends with almost everyone," Stan reminded him. "We can trust Scott because no one would tell him anything."

Kyle nodded. "Fair, I guess."

"We can trust Tweek because Tweek would freak out and tell everyone if Clyde told him anything. And we can trust Craig because Clyde wouldn't tell Craig because Craig would tell Tweek." Stan reasoned.

Cartman said, "personally, I wouldn't tell Craig because he's a stupid asshole."

Stan ignored Cartman's remark. "And Butters would tell Cartman if Clyde was working against him."

Kenny frowned. "He would?"

"Yeah," said Cartman, annoyed. "He's obsessed with me. Dudes, now that I think about it, Butters is totally gay for me."

"He is not!" Kenny shouted. His uncharacteristic outburst startled his friends. He hid in his hoodie and muttered a quick apology.

Cartman blinked. "Okay, Kenny, maybe you and Kyle's weekly challenges are syncing up. You could always take some Midol-"

"Fuck you!" Kyle and Kenny snapped at the same time. Kenny seemed genuinely pissed off. Stan expected Kyle to behave this way, but not Kenny. He wondered if something was bothering Kenny. He'd ask him about it later. 

"If Clyde is going to have allies, so shall we! We have to be careful, Clyde said he is always watching." Stan told his teammates. "We must report to each other anything we see that is out of the usual. Got it?"

"Got it!" the three kids echoed back.

"We split up. Cartman, you can try to gain the trust of Scott. Kyle, you can try with Tweek. I'll retrieve Craig, and Kenny you are assigned Butters."

"Why do I have to deal with Scott?" Cartman complained. "That's so unfair!"

"Because you both never shut up about food," said Stan.

"Touche." Cartman said. 

"It might take time, but once we gain the trust of our allies, we'll be able to fight off our enemies," said Stan. "We're going to totally fuck Clyde up."

"And get my mask back!" said Cartman.

Stan rolled his eyes. So much for his motivational speech he had prepared. "Yes. And we'll get your stupid mask back."

Kyle went to the Tweaks' coffee shop after the emergency hero mission at Stan's. It was getting late. He had to gain Tweek's trust fast before the sun went down.

"Welcome to Tweaks' coffee shop," greeted Mr. Tweak. "What can I get for you?" 

"I need to speak to Tweek," said Kyle. "Do you know where he is?"

Mr. Tweak said, "oh he is in the basement cleaning up."

"Thanks, sir." Kyle headed towards the basement. Mr. Tweak stopped him.

"You're not some new boyfriend, are you? I thought my son was still dating that nice looking boy, Craig."

Am I not a nice looking boy? Kyle thought doubtfully. He shook his head and decided he didn't give a fuck about what Tweek's weird ass parents thought.

"He is still dating Craig. I'm just a friend from school. Kyle? We did that report on big corporations, remember?"

"Are you trying to hook up with him?" questioned Mr. Tweak.

What was this guy's problem? "No! I'm just a friend!"

"But you look gay," said Mr. Tweak. Kyle wasn't gonna put up with him any longer. He ignored him and headed down to the basement, were Tweek was sweeping up coffee grains from the floor. 

"Hey, Tweek."

"Aah!" Tweek jumped, dropping the broom. "Kyle? What are you doing here?!"

"Calm down dude, Jesus. Look, I came to talk to you." 

"About what?"

"There's something going on at school," said Kyle. He realized his poor word choice a little too late. "I mean! I'm sure it's fine! But you need someone who's got your back, you know?"

"I guess so," Tweek twitched with worry.

"Cool. I got your back, Tweek. Do you got my back?" 

"Yes!" Tweek said with determination. "I-I got your back, Kyle. Ah! Thanks!"

Kyle knew forming an alliance with Tweek would be easy. He texted Stan a thumbs up emoji. Now Stan could ally with Craig.

As soon as Stan got Kyle's text he knocked on Craig's front door. Craig opened the door. He looked annoyed.

"What?"

"Can I talk to you?" Stan asked.

"Why?" Craig deadpanned.

"Just for a minute, Craig, it's super important," pleaded Stan. 

"Whatever." Craig said, monotone. "Just make it quick."

"We think a kid is trying to cause issues at school. We need all the support we can get."

Craig's expression gave nothing away. "So? Why should I care?"

Stan said, "because we need to remain strong to fight this kid off when the time comes. And because we're already supporting Tweek."

That got his attention. Stan knew it would. "Tweek's in danger?" he asked, concerned.

"Not if we can help it," said Stan. "But you have to be careful. You don't know who you can trust. But you can trust me, Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, Tweek of course, and Scott." If Cartman was getting Scott on their side. He'd text Cartman later to see how it was going.

"Scott?" Craig asked.

"Scott Malkinson," Stan replied.

Craig blinked. "Who?"

Stan replied, "the kid with diabetes."

"Oh. Okay."

Stan hoped this meant Craig was on their side. "So does this mean we're allies?"

Craig shrugged. "I hate you guys. You guys are assholes. But if Tweek trusts you guys, then so shall I."

Stan smiled. That was good enough for him. "Thanks for your time." 

"Whatever. I was watching Red Racer, and now I'd like to get back to that." Craig said. He then closed the door in Stan's face. Stan was too happy with his success to care. He pulled out his phone and quickly typed out a text to Kyle.

Stan: got craig!!

Kyle: awesome dude! I'm glad everything went smoothly <3

Stan stared at the little heart in Kyle's text for several moments. Kyle's never done that before, has he? Stan's mind was reeling. What did the heart mean? Was it an accident? Was Kyle currently freaking out about something so simple as a heart, like he was? And why was he freaking out over it, anyway?

The door swung open, startling Stan out of his stressful thoughts. It was Craig. He looked angry. "Dude! Could you get off my fucking porch already?"

Cartman got a text from Stan. He rolled his eyes and opened it.

Stan: how's it going with Scott? 

Cartman: terribl! The fuking asswipe sucks ass! 

Stan: you don't know how to spell 'fucking'?

Cartman had been arguing with Scott in his living room for ten minutes straight. Scott refused to ally with him.

"Why the fuck not, Scott?" Cartman demanded. Why was this stupid fuck being so God damn difficult? 

"Because you four always rip on me," Scott said stubbornly with his stupid lisp. "You guys make fun of me for being the kid with diabetes."

Cartman said, "because the fuck else are you good for, Scott?"

Scott pouted. It looked pretty funny with his tongue sticking out. Cartman wanted to take a picture, but knew it would make Scott act even more like a prick.

"I am more than just my diabetes," Scott said, sounding offended.

Cartman scoffed, "please, like you even really believe that."

"I do."

"Okay, and in what way are you more than just your diabetes, Scott?" Cartman questioned. 

Scott opened his mouth to say something, then shut his mouth again. He couldn't think of a single example. Cartman knew it.

"You're nothing more than your diabetes, Scott," Cartman said.

"I know." Scott said sadly.

"Great," Cartman clasped his hands together. "So now will you be our ally?"

"No!" Scott shrieked.

God damn it! He was so close. "What the fuck is your problem now, Scott?'

"You guys always make fun of me!" Scott said angrily. Jesus Christ he really couldn't let that shit go.

"You guys always make fun of me, I'm Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes," Cartman mocked him, lisp and all.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Scott said, pointing at Cartman.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Tell me this, Scott, do you have anything better to do?"

Scott frowned.

"What else are you gonna do besides be our ally?" Cartman pressed.

"Nothing," sighed Scott.

"Exactly. So are you gonna suck it up and be our ally or are you still gonna cry and act like a little pussy?" 

"I'll be your ally," Scott gave in.

"Fucking finally. Was it that hard? Christ." Cartman immediately left Scott's house and texted Stan a thumbs-up emoji. He was hungry as fuck. He didn't want to waste another second in Scott's house. 

It was nearing midnight when Butters heard a loud pang on his window.

"What the?" Butters crawled out of bed. Someone was sitting on the roof, perched like a cat right outside his window.

Butters slid open the window. "Uh, who are you?"

"My name is Mysterion," said the strange kid in a strangely deep voice. "And you are Butters."

Butters squeaked and scrambled backwards. "H-how do you know my name?"

"Butters, it's okay," said Mysterion. He jumped into Butters bedroom. Butters held his hands in front of his face in a useless attempt to protect himself. "I am not here to hurt you."

"Y-you're not?" Butters said. He tried to calm down his rapid heart beat.

"I am a friend," Mysterion said. He took a few careful steps closer. Butters resisted the urge to back away. "I am here to protect you, Butters."

"You are?"

"I am a hero," said Mysterion, grabbing Butters' hand. "That is what I do."

"Do I know you?" Butters asked. "From school, maybe? Or church?"

"You do," confirmed Mysterion. 

"Oh woah! One of my friends is secretly living a double life!" Butters couldn't believe it. That was amazing! "That's so cool! Why, who are you, Mysterion?"

Mysterion frowned deeply. "I cannot tell you," he said regretfully. "I have made a promise to never reveal myself to those who weren't on my team."

"I can be on your team!"

Mysterion smiled. "Thanks, little buddy. But I am afraid I cannot trust you just yet. There is someone who is out to get me. I need to be careful."

"I understand," said Butters. "Why, why I am struggling to trust others, as well."

Mysterion paused. For a moment Butters thought Mysterion wouldn't answer him. But then he said, "do you trust Eric Cartman?"

"Eric? Well, I suppose he is rather mean to me, and is never including me in things. So no, why, I don't think I do trust him."

Mysterion smiled. "Oh, okay." He was silent once more. Then, moments later, he said, "someone thinks you might have a crush on Cartman."

Butters fretted, "oh-oh someone does? Oh hamburgers, if my parents find out kids are spreading rumors about me then they'll ground me!"

"I can stop the rumors!" Mysterion assured him quickly. "But... are they true?"

"Oh, no," Butters said, relieved Mysterion would stop the rumors for him. "Eric is terrible. I could never like him. Besides, no one in the whole school likes me like that, so me having a crush on anyone would be pretty pointless."

Mysterion said, "that's not true!" 

"It isn't?" Butters questioned. 

"I mean," Mysterion cleared his throat awkwardly. "There's a kid who likes you a whole lot."

Butters heart fluttered. "Really?" He was purely delighted. "Who?" 

"I-I can't tell you. But maybe he will tell you. Now that he knows you don't have a crush on Cartman."

"But how would he know that?" Butters questioned. And as soon as he said it, realization hit. Mysterion was the boy from school who had a crush on him. 

"I have to go," said Mysterion. "But just know I will always be there to protect you."

Mysterion left Butters alone and confused. He pinched himself on the arm several times to make sure he wasn't dreaming. 

Chapter Text

"We need publicity," Cartman told the Raccoon and Friends, as the four kids wandered through their town in costume, looking for danger to fight. "So people know to call us when they need help."

"How are we supposed to get publicity?" asked Kyle.

Cartman said, "well, yours and Stan's gay thing will definitely help. The public loves gay stuff. But we need, I don't know, advertisements."

"Advertisement?" Stan frowned. "Are we trying to commercialize ourselves?"

Kyle nodded, agreeing with Stan, because of course he agreed with Stan, the two agreed on everything and always ganged up on Cartman. 

"Stan, name any successful superhero franchise that didn't sell out and over commercialize itself," Cartman challenged. He waited for an answer. An answer never came. He puffed his chest out arrogantly. "Right, because you can't. Every superhero franchise is nothing but advertisements this, and fanservice that, and cheap posters, and-oh my god," Cartman stopped walking, causing Kyle to bump into him.

"Ow!" Kyle grunted. "Keep walking, fatass!"

Normally, Kyle's bitchy attitude would ruin Cartman's perfectly good mood. But not even Kyle's assholery could ruin the mood of his brilliant idea. He whipped around to face Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. "I just had the best idea ever, you guys. Seriously."

His friends stared at him blankly.

"Well?" Kyle prompted. "What?"

"Posters," Cartman revealed.

Stan blinked. Kyle remained silent. Even Kenny, who usually backed up Kenny's ideas (at least more often than Stan and Kyle), said nothing.

Cartman rolled his eyes. Couldn't his friends see this was pure genius? Did they not see the brilliancy of posters and flyers? They would get publicity for sure with cool ass posters and catchy titles, and eye-popping colors! "We put posters and flyers up all over town, that way when people see them, they know who to call when they are in trouble!"

"Like, just shout for the Raccoon and Friends?" asked Stan.

"Yeah, we can't exactly put our phone numbers on the posters," Kyle pointed out. "Because then kids from school will know it's us!"

Cartman hadn't thought of that. He hated to admit it, but Kyle was right. But then, he had an idea. "Unless we use Kenny's number."

"What?" Kyle asked.

Cartman asked Kenny, "who all do you have on your contacts, Kenny? Who all know your phone number?"

"You, Kyle, Stan, and my parents," Kenny listed.

Cartman snapped his fingers. Kenny was their solution. "You see? The only ones who will know it's Kenny is us, and his parents. But his parents won't care because they're redneck alcoholics."

"Yeah!" Kenny agreed.

"And when people call Kenny, he can let us know," Cartman added. His plan was basically full proof. "Now, we're going to need a lot of glitter glue if we want to make our posters the best of the best."




The boys made their posters in Stan's living room. Stan's parents didn't care that they were getting glitter all over the place because they were too busy fighting about Stan's mom's missing wedding ring. They fought so often nowadays that Stan didn't pay any attention to it.

Cartman dumped a bunch of glitter on his poster. "My posters are way more glittery than Kyle's," he boasted, full of himself.

"No one can read your handwriting, Cartman," Kyle snapped back. 

Cartman said, "fuck off, Kyle."

Kyle and Cartman were speeding through their posters. It was a silent competition between the two of them to see who could make the most posters in the short amount of time. Stan and Kenny took their time making their posters. While Cartman and Kyle had a pile of posters, Stan had only started working on his third one.

"Kenny, can you pass me the blue crayon?" asked Stan. He was going to use the red crayon to write out 'Raccoon and Friends' but Kyle and Cartman were currently fighting over the red crayon.

"Okay," Kenny sighed and handed him the crayon.

Kenny looked sad. Stan felt bad that he still hadn't talked to Kenny. He knew something was bothering him, but he didn't want to bring it up around Cartman. He didn't want to embarrass Kenny. So he let Kenny be sad and he ignored him, putting all his attention on his poster.

Stan stared at the poster once it was finished. It was of the four heroes, all smiling and in their uniform. But there was a missing detail. "Oh!" Stan said quietly. He grabbed the beige crayon and quickly drew Tool Shed and Human Kite holding hands. He could feel himself blushing. He told himself he only added them holding hands for the publicity. And after a moment considering the publicity, he grabbed the pink crayon and drew little pink squiggles on their faces.

Now Tool Shed and Human Kite were holding hands and blushing. That should let people know that they liked each other. That they didn't really like each other. They were just sort of... fake liking each other. For cool superhero character arcs. And publicity, and all that. 

Stan didn't have time to question why he was arguing with himself. His mom came in the living room, all pissed off and red in the face. "Stan," she demanded. Stan jumped, startled. "Have you seen my wedding ring?" she asked. "Your useless father can't seem to find it."

"No," said Stan.

Cartman waved at Sharon, waggling his fingers. Stan shot him a sharp glare. Cartman got the hint and he lowered his hand, muttering something under his breath. He was probably calling Stan's mom a bitch. Stan would kick his ass for that, later.

"If you find it, let me know," said Sharon.

"Okay."

"Your parents have been fighting a lot lately, dude," Kyle said once Sharon left. "Is everything okay? Did something serious happen?"

The truth was: Stan didn't know. He's been so caught up with superhero stuff and his feelings for Wendy, and spying on Clyde for the Raccoon and Friends he hasn't been paying attention to his family. "It's not a big deal," he said. "They fight all the time."

Kyle and Cartman looked at each other. They both looked unsure. "Dude," Kyle began carefully. "Your parents usually get along better than my parents."

"And your parents usually get along better than my mom and her boyfriend," Cartman added.

Kyle said innocently, "you mean boyfriends, plural?"

"I will kick your fucking ass, Kyle."

Kyle scoffed. "I dare you, fatass."

Stan bit his lip, irritated. He couldn't have a serious conversation with Kyle for just one minute without Kyle picking a fight with Cartman. He sometimes hated when the four of them hung out together. He longed for it to just be him and Kyle. Then he could have Kyle's undivided attention. Cartman didn't deserve Kyle's attention. And he got a lot of it. Stan wanted Kyle all to himself.

"Do you think my parents are going to get a divorce?" Stan said suddenly. That got Cartman and Kyle to stop fighting. They both stared at Stan, wide-eyed and shocked. Stan realized what he had said. He didn't think his parents would divorce, but if he was being completely honest with himself, sometimes he thought they should divorce. 

"I don't want them to," he said, feeling embarrassed. "But uh, they might, I guess. I mean, you never know, right? so..." his voice trailed off. Nobody said anything. He felt stupid for even bringing it up.

"My parents fight all the time and they never divorce," Kenny said, breaking the silence. He placed his hand on Stan's back, meaning to comfort him. "And if anyone should get a divorce, it's my parents."

"Yeah, Stan, Kenny's parents totally hate each other, are poor, and are alcoholics, and they had poor children. What other reason do you need for a divorce?" Cartman said. Kenny flipped him off. Cartman laughed, "heh, you fucking suck, Kenny."

"Your parents will get over it," Kyle said gently.

"I hope so," Stan muttered. "Because if they divorce I'll be forced to spend time with my dad every other weekend. And my dad sucks."

Cartman pointed at Stan's poster. "Did you draw that?"

"Huh?" Stan almost forgot about the posters. He looked down. Cartman was pointing at the poster where he drew Tool Shed and Human Kite blushing and holding hands. He felt even worse. Cartman was going to make fun of him for it. He just knew it.

"Yes."

Cartman burst into a fit of laughter, right on time.

"Yeah, yeah," Stan said. "Get it out of your system."

Cartman continued to laugh. He laughed for a good solid three minutes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny just sat there, staring at him. Cartman was so red in the face Stan started to worry he was going to pass out. Cartman finally caught his breath.

"That," Cartman panted, coughing on his words. "Is the gayest thing I have ever seen, like, ever." 

Kyle pushed him. "Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!"

Kyle covered his mouth with his hands. He was a little bit too loud. The four kids paused. Usually this was when Stan's parents came marching in and lectured them on swear words. But they didn't march in. They didn't lecture the boys. It was like they didn't even notice.

"Oh, man," Stan sighed. "My parents are too busy yelling at each other to yell at me! What is my life becoming? I can't even trust my parents to get mad at me, anymore."

"Your parents fucking suck," Cartman wheezed, still out of breath from all his laughing. "They don't have any snacks."

"Let's just finish these posters," said Kyle. "We need to finish them anyway, and maybe it will help distract Stan." Kyle said the last bit while looking directly at Stan. Stan nodded. Kyle gave him a small smile before he quickly went back to work. Stan's heart skipped a beat. 

The smile was quick. Blink and you would have missed it. But it was Stan's. It was Stan's. Not Cartman's. Not Kenny's. That quick, small smile was for Stan. A part of Kyle that was all for him. He felt an eerie sense of pride in knowing that he shared something with Kyle that was just theirs. 

"Pass me the pink glitter glue, Cartman," Kyle said as he decorated his poster with little stars and triangles. When Cartman didn't pass him the glitter glue, he looked up from his work. "Give me the glitter glue, sloth boy," he repeated again.

Cartman held on to the tube of pink glitter glue. He said, "no, I don't think it said anywhere on the packaging homos were allowed to use the glitter glue-"

Kyle lunged at Cartman, knocking him down onto the floor. He tugged the glitter glue out of Cartman's hands. He then went on to decorating as if nothing happened. Cartman sat up and rubbed the back of his head, wincing in pain. 

"You're gonna leave a bump!" Cartman whined.

"I don't care," Kyle said.

"It's going to hurt!" 

Kyle shrugged. He didn't look up from his poster, but Stan could see that he was smiling. "Is that my problem, fat fuck? No, no it is not." He said, amused. "You should have just handed me the glitter glue."

"Stop fighting, guys," Kenny said. "We should start taping these all over town. We probably have enough posters by now." 

"Kenny's right," Kyle said, scooping up his pile of posters. "I have to be back home for dinner, so we better hurry up." 

Cartman was still whining about his head hurting as the kids grabbed all their posters and all the rolls of tape they could find. He was still whining as they taped their posters to every pole, every stop sign, every building, and every tree in town.




"Raccoon and Friends?" a young woman said as she stared at the poorly drawn fat racoon taped on the door of a small business. "The fuck?"

"Sounds pretty gay," said her boyfriend.



Butters was outside playing when he first saw the posters. At first, he thought nothing of them. He didn't bother to give them a second glance. Until he noticed Mysterion from the corner of his eye. He paid closer attention to the posters on all the street signs by his house.

It was definitely Mysterion. Butters heart did a funny little thing in his chest. His heart continued to act strange the longer he stared at the poster, thinking of the mysterious boy who had a crush on him.



Kenny's first few calls were teenagers prank calling him. At first, he was excited when he got a call. But with each next call, that excitement slowly died. This was a stupid idea.

He felt more pissed off than anything when his phone rang. He didn't even bother looking at the caller ID before he answered, "hello?"

"Hi, Kenny," it was Stan. That surprised Kenny. He sat up in bed. Why was Stan calling him?

"Hi, Stan," said Kenny. Kenny wasn't really in the mood to talk to Stan, or anyone at the moment. But he knew better than to hang up on Stan. Stan was the one who bought him his phone. He could take it back any time he wished. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to know if you were alright," Stan said. He sounded genuinely concerned. Kenny didn't know what to do with that. "You've seemed kinda down lately. And I don't check in on you like I should. If somethings bothering you, you can talk to me about it. But only if you want to. You don't have to."

Kenny didn't know what to say. He has been feeling sad lately. He wanted to tell Butters how he felt about him, but he didn't know how. And Butters got picked on enough as it was. He didn't want to make things worse. 

And what if Kenny's parents found out he liked a boy? He didn't have the most accepting parents in the world. He already felt like his parents hated him. He didn't need to give them another reason to hate him even more.

And Kenny hadn't had anyone to talk to about all of this. Kyle was having his own gay crisis. He didn't need to say it. Kenny just knew. Stan was probably about to have one too, if Cartman kept this Tool Shed x Human Kite thing up. And now Stan was dealing with his parents fighting all the time. Stan and Kyle had enough problems of their own to worry about. 

And Kenny would never tell Eric Cartman. He wasn't a dumbass. Cartman would just laugh at him, then tell everyone.

"Kenny?" Stan asked.

Someone else was calling Kenny. Kenny was immediately relieved. "Sorry, Stan," Kenny apologized. "Someone else is calling. It might be important." 

"But-"

Kenny hung up on him. He didn't want Stan to worry about him. But he didn't want to make his problems Stan's problems, either. He answered his phone. 

"Hello?"

"Is this Raccoon and Friends?" sniffed what sounded like a little girl.

"This is," Kenny said. "What is the problem, little girl?" 

Kyle was brushing his teeth when he got a text notification from the Raccoon and Friends group chat. He thought it would be Cartman nonsense again. But it wasn't. It was Kenny.

Kenny: we have a mission, Raccoon and Friends. 

Cartman: whats the adres? ill meet u there

Kenny texted the address. Everyone responded saying they'll be there as fast as they could. Kyle practically ran to his room. He grabbed his superhero costume from his closet and quickly pulled it on. He was about to leave his room when he remembered that his parents were in the living room watching TV, blocking the front door. 

It was ten o'clock. There was no way his parents were letting him outside this late. He would just have to sneak out.

Kyle tiptoed to his window and slid it open. He crawled out onto the roof and closed his window, leaving just a little gap open so he could easily open it back up. The roof was damp from the cold. Kyle moved carefully, making sure he didn't slip. 

After several minutes of struggling to keep balance, Kyle was finally brave enough to hop off the roof. He landed roughly, but he landed on his feet, knees bent, and all that.

"That wasn't so hard." He said to himself. He pulled out his phone, "What was the address, again..."

"Human Kite, you made it!" Tool Shed greeted Human Kite as he neared the little girl's front yard. "I-I was worried."

Human Kite flustered. Tool Shed was worried about him? "I'm okay."

Tool Shed gave him a small smile. 

"What's the problem?" Human Kite asked his team. 

The Raccoon gestured to the little girl who stood before them. She couldn't be older than five. Her face was red, her eyes were puffy and tearful, and her nose was running. 

Human Kite crouched down so that he was eye-to-eye with her. "Hello," he greeted in a soft voice. "What is your name?"

"Suzie," the girl sniffled. She wiped her tears on her sleeve. 

"What's the matter Suzie? Why are you crying?" asked Human Kite.

The girl hiccupped. She pointed up at the tree beside them. "It's my cat, Tuxedo," she said in a wobbly voice. "He's stuck in that tree. He won't come down."

"It's okay," Human Kite said soothingly. "Don't cry little girl. We'll save Tuxedo." He turned to the Raccoon. "Think you can climb up the tree?"

The Raccoon looked up at the tree. Tuxedo was really high up. "It will be difficult," he said. "But I am going to try my damn hardest."

"Dude, don't swear around the child," said Tool Shed. 

Human Kite covered the little girl's ears. She protested and tried to wiggle away. Human Kite kept his grip on her ears firm.

"Okay. You can swear as much as you want," Tool Shed told the Raccoon.

The Raccoon crawled up the tree. It took several minutes as he kept almost losing his balance and falling off. Tool Shed, Human Kite, and Mysterion just watched as he made a fool out of himself. Human Kite wished he was recording. He thought this was hilarious. 

"Son of a bitch," the Raccoon swore in frustration. "I broke a claw! First some jackass steals my mask, now I break a claw?"

"Don't be a pussy," said Mysterion. "You've almost reached the cat."

"Suck my ass, Mysterion!" the Raccoon snapped. 

"I'd rather not," Mysterion replied.

"What are you guys saying?" Suzie shouted. Human Kite pressed his palms harder against her ears.

Finally, the Raccoon was able to grab Tuxedo. "Mysterion! A little help!"

Mysterion stood by the tree in his tip toes, as the Raccoon lowered poor Tuxedo into his arms. Tuxedo was safely in Mysterion's grasp.

"Tuxedo!" Suzie cried. 

Human Kite released his grip on Suzie. Poor girl has been through a lot. She ran to Mysterion, who put Tuxedo in her arms.

"Thank you!" the little girl said. 

"Hey, why are you up anyway?" Tool Shed asked Suzie. "It's midnight, dude. Where are your parents?"

"Oh," the girl giggled as Tuxedo rubbed his head against her chin. "I don't know. Probsbly passed out drunk."

"Heh, like Mysterion's parents!" laughed the Raccoon. 

Mysterion flipped him off.

The Raccoon flipped him off, accidentally letting go of the branch he was holding on to. He fell out of the tree with an oof.

Mysterion said, "serves you right, asshole."

Human Kite said to Suzie, "I'm glad we could save your cat. Now go get some rest, you must be exhausted."

Tool Shed said, "your cat probably needs the rest, too."

"Thank you Raccoon and Friends!" Suzie said happily. "I will!"

Kyle was exhausted the next morning. It wasn't easy, saving poor girls' cats late in the night. He pulled on his coat and gloves and headed downstairs. His parents were in the kitchen drinking coffee.

"Good morning, Kyle." said Sheila.

"Morning," Kyle yawned. He grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and his box of his favorite cereal. He almost poured orange juice into his cereal instead of milk.

"Are you alright, sweetie?" asked Sheila. "You seem a bit... tired."

"I am, ma," Kyle said.

"Were you up all night?" Gerald asked.

Kyle was up all night. He was helping save a cat. But Kyle knew he couldn't tell his parents that. They wouldn't understand. So, he said nothing. But his silence was as good of an answer as any. 

"You were up late," Gerald sighed. "Kyle, what on earth are you staying awake for?"

Kyle was saved from answering thanks to his little brother Ike shouting from the living room. "Lookie! At TV!"

"What on earth is he on about now?" Gerald groaned. 

"I'll go see!" Kyle said in a hurry. He abandoned his bowl of cereal and rushed into the living room, escaping his parents and their pestering questions.

"What is it, Ike?" Kyle asked. 

Ike was jumping up and down and pointing at the TV. "superheroes!"

Kyle looked at the TV. Ike was watching the news. On the news was the little girl Suzie as she told the reporter four brave superheroes saved her cat last night. 

"Oh my God," Kyle said quietly. 

On the TV the news reporter reported, "these heroes have their posters taped all over town. So you know who to call when your own cat is in danger."

"Superheroes!" Ike chanted.

Kyle couldn't believe it. Their posters worked. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and he called Stan. Stan picked up immediately. 

"Dude-" Kyle began. 

"I know!" Stan cut him off. He sounded just as excited as Kyle felt. "I saw! It worked Kyle, holy shit!"

Now the town's people knew there was heroes out there protecting them. And, their enemies knew as well.

Chapter Text

"I love you, Stan." Stan pressed the button again. The bear says, "I love you, Stan." Stan stared at the bear in his hands. He felt unusually warm. He pressed the button again. And again. Each time his heart stammered. 

"I love you, Stan." It was a sentence he often heard from his parents. But this was different. It was Kyle's voice. 

Stan closed his eyes. he imagined that Kyle was in front of him. He hit the button and held his breath. He imagined that it wasn't the bear, but Kyle who said those words.

"I lov-" Stan began to say.

He heard his door open. His eyes shot wide open. His dad was in the doorway. Stan dropped the bear, his heart suddenly racing in his chest. He was panicking over nothing.

"Stan?" Randy asked.

"Y-yes?" Stan's voice squeaked.

Randy looked down at the teddy bear on the floor. "What is that?"

Stan felt nervous. Why was he feeling nervous? It's not like he had been hiding the bear from his parents. He just never told them about it. And planned on never telling them about it. And kept it hidden under his blanket when he was at school.

"Um. A bear I got from the mall," Stan said, swallowing thickly. 

Randy frowned. "You're not practice kissing with it, are you?"

Stan made a face. "Dad. That's disgusting."

"Good," said Randy firmly. "Because if you want to kiss someone, you better practice on a real girl, first."

Stan didn't want to talk about kissing with his dad. He wanted him to leave. "Did you need something?"

"Yeah," Randy said. He coughed. He had been drinking again. Stan could tell. "I need you to tell your mom to stop being such a bitch."

Stan's heart dropped. So his parents were still fighting. He felt angry now. "Go tell her yourself, dad."

Randy roared, "you never fucking take my side!" Before Stan could defend himself, Randy left his room, slamming his door behind him.

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose with frustration. Stan then grabbed the bear from off the floor. He pressed the button one more time. He felt his anger sizzle away at the sound of Kyle's voice.

Stan missed Kyle. He saw him yesterday at school, but it felt like he hasn't seen him in ages. He grabbed his phone and texted Kyle, asking him if he wanted to come over. 

Kyle: sure dude! do u want me to bring Kenny and Cartman?

Stan frowned. He would have preferred to be alone with Kyle. But he was too afraid to be alone with him. He was feeling so much at the moment. And he didn't understand exactly what it was that he was feeling. 

Stan quickly texted back, telling Kyle to bring Cartman and Kenny. He then tossed his phone on his bed, feeling really, really stupid 

"Stan! Your friends are here!" Sharon shouted. 

"Stan! Your friends are here!" Randy repeated. Stan heard them argue about who said it first as he left his room to answer the door.

"Hi guys." Stan said. His parents were still arguing behind them.

Cartman looked at Stan. Then he looked behind Stan, at Sharon and Randy. Sharon was lecturing him about his spending habits, and Randy was mocking her in return.

"Your parents suck ass," said Cartman.

"I know," Stan said sadly. "Come inside before they decide I can't have friends over."

"Weak, dude," Cartman complained.

Stan shut the door loudly. That didn't catch his parents attention. He marched over to them, stomping his feet against the floor as loud as he could. That didn't get their attention, either. Stan sighed. 

"Mom, dad, we're going to be in my room," Stan said loudly, in hope that his parents would hear him over their own bickering. They didn't care. They kept arguing. 

"So just knock if you need anything," Stan tried again. Nothing. "You guys are assholes?" he said. If his parents heard him, they showed no sign of it.

"Told you," Cartman said. "They totally suck ass, man."

"Let's just go," Stan grumbled.

He tried not to worry. But his parents were still fighting. What if they really did want to get a divorce?

Once Stan and his friends were safely in their room, Stan said, "I have a new mission for us."

"Is it finding my mask?" asked Cartman. "Because I'm seriously getting pissed off. You guys aren't taking it as seriously as you need to be, I am so-"

"No," Stan said.

"God damn it!" whined Cartman.

Stan said, "our mission is to get my parents to stop fighting."

Kyle frowned. "Stan, how are we supposed to do that?"

Stan hadn't thought that far ahead. But if his parents kept fighting like this he was sure to lose his fucking mind.

"I don't know, but we have to try."

"How about a real superhero mission?" Cartman objected. "It's called finding my god damn mask before I kick you all off the team!"

Kyle glared angrily at him. "You can't kick us off the team, fatass!"

"You want to test me?"

Stan hated it when Kyle and Cartman argued. It only reminded him of his parents. Why did everyone in his life have to fight with each other all the time?

"Okay, how about we split up?" Stan suggested. Cartman and Kyle stopped fighting to hear what he had to say. Thank God. "How about two of us go to find Cartman's mask, and two of us find a way to get my parents to love each other again and stop fighting?"

Cartman scoffed, "why is your parents a hero mission? Is it that important?"

"Yes," said Stan simply. "Because if my parents get super pissed they'll take it out on me and they won't let me play anymore."

"Fine," Cartman groaned. "But I'm not helping your lame ass parents. I'll be going to find my mask."

"I figured," said Stan. 

He wanted Kyle. Stan's stomach jumped as those words came to mind. He didn't mean he wanted Kyle. Of course not. He meant he wanted Kyle on his mission.

He wanted to be alone with him. He wanted to tell him that he also loved-

"Kenny," Stan said in a panic. "Kenny, will you join me on my mission?" 

For a brief moment, Stan could have sworn he saw hurt flash in Kyle's eyes. Kyle looked away from Stan. 

"Sure," Kenny said, shrugging.

"Then it's settled. Kenny will help me with my parents, Kyle and Cartman will go get Cartman's mask. We'll all keep each other notified in the group chat, right?"

"Right," Kyle said.

Stan said to Kyle, "if you need backup, just text me, and I'm there, okay?"

Kyle frowned. "Promise?"

"I promise," Stan said softly.

Kyle smiled. Stan loved that smile. His gut twisted into knots and he forced himself to look away. "Good. Glad we all agree. Good luck, heroes."

"God with all his speeches we might as well just call our group Tool Shed and Friends," Cartman grumbled unhappily.

Tool Shed had to warn Mysterion what exactly they were up against. This fight wasn't to be taken lightly. They both could get grounded for several weeks when his parents were in this much of a shit mood.

"Randy's powers comes from alcohol," said Tool Shed. Mysterion nodded. "No doubt he's already had a bottle. The more he drinks, the stronger he becomes. First we must take out the source of his power."

"And then what?" Mysterion asked.

Tool Shed recalled his parents had been fighting over Randy's bad spending habits. Tool Shed had seventy bucks saved up. If he sneaks that into his parents room, he can say that Randy never wasted money on alcohol.

Tool Shed told Mysterion his plan. Mysterion looked doubtful. 

"Isn't Sharon in their bedroom?"

"We'll need a distraction," said Tool Shed. "We're going to need my sister."

Shelly of course said no.

"Please!" Stan urged. "You don't understand, Shelly, we need you!"

Shelly crossed her arms. "I don't want to be a part of your gay superhero game," she said. "Leave me alone, turd, or I'll make you."

She was about to close her bedroom door in Stan and Kenny's face. Stan held his hands out. "Just hear me out," he said. She looked even angrier. "Just real quick, Shelly, please."

Shelly rolled her eyes dramatically. "Fine."

Stan had to make her understand. She would be the perfect distraction. "Our parents keep fighting," Stan began. "And don't you want them to stop?"

"I don't care," Shelly said.

So much for that. Stan decided to take a different approach. "If mom and dad keep fighting, they will likely divorce. When they divorce they will have to fight over custody over us, and we'll likely both want to stay with mom because dad sucks ass. But we will be forced to go to dad's every other weekend, without mom. We'll have no excuse but to hang out with him. Would you rather spend your school free days doing what you want, or being guilt tripped to hang out with dad?"

Shelly said, "I am not helping you."

“I’ll pay you,” Stan said.

“How much?” Shelly asked.

“Twenty bucks.”

“Done,” Shelly said. “Text me when you need me to distract mom.” She slammed the door in their face.

Stan was so relieved he thought he might fall over. Kenny looked crossed with him. Stan frowned and asked, “what?”

“You should have started with the money.”

Next step: take the power from Randy. Stan and Kenny snuck towards the living room, where Randy watched TV, a half drunken bottle in his hand.

"Damn it," Tool Shed whispered to Mysterion. "He's already on his second bottle. We have to find his stash of power before he gets to his third."

Mysterion asked, "how do you know this is his second?"

Tool Shed could tell by the look on his dad's face. "I just know," he said.

Thankfully Mysterion didn't ask anymore questions. "I'll see if the rest of his power supplies are in the kitchen."

"Thanks, Mysterion," said Tool Shed.

Mysterion asked Tool Shed, "and what are you going to do?"

Tool Shed said, "I'm going to take away the power source he's got right now."

Human Kite and the Raccoon were heading towards Clyde's house. The Raccoon was certain it was Clyde who had his mask.

"So what, are we going to ask Clyde for your mask back?" asked Human Kite. Clyde was, at times, a reasonable kid. Human Kite was sure that if they just asked nicely, he would give them the mask back.

The Raccoon clearly didn't think so. His laugh was humorless. "The world is cruel, Human Kite. You want to see the best in everyone, and that will be your down fall."

Human Kite frowned. There was nothing wrong with trying to have a more positive view on certain things. Was there? Human Kite didn't think it made him weaker. But what if it did? He didn't want a weakness.

"But that isn't what's holding you back," said the Raccoon. 

"What is?" Human Kite asked carefully. An old man walked past them, grumbling about them taking up the whole side walk.

"Fuck you!" The Raccoon snapped at him.

The old man flipped him off and kept walking. Hunan Kite reminded The Raccoon of the task at hand to keep him from going after the old man. 

"What's holding me back?" Human Kite asked once more. He was desperate to know. 

The Raccoon sighed. "Obviously, your feelings for Stan are holding you back."

Human Kite bit his lip to keep himself from responding. He didn't need to. The Raccoon kept talking. "And no, I don't mean Tool Shed. I mean Stan. I have recently come to the realization that your feelings are very real. They're not pretend."

Human Kite still refused to respond. The Raccoon kept going. "And yet you still haven't told him how you feel."

"I-" Human Kite swallowed thickly. "It's not that easy. You know, telling somebody how you feel about them."

The Raccoon laughed. "Ha! I got you to admit it! Gay ass!" 

Human Kite could feel his ears burning. He knew he must be red in the face. Of course he was just trying to get a rise out of him. He should have known better.

"Fuck off." He muttered, embarrassed. "We're almost at Clyde's."

When Human Kite and the Raccoon reached Clyde's house, Clyde's dad answered the door. "Hello?"

"Hi, we're here to see Clyde," Human Kite said. 

"He stole something of mine," said the Raccoon. "And I want it back God damn it."

"I'm sorry, boys. But Clyde can't have friends over," said Clyde's dad.

"Why not?" Human Kite asked.

"Because, he harassed some small kid the other day," said Clyde's dad. "Saying something about nonsense and evil at the school. He's grounded for two weeks."

"We assure you that we are not his friends," said The Raccoon.

Clyde's dad took a good look at the two boys' super hero costumes. He snickered, "say, it's a bit early for Halloween costumes, isn't it? Great costumes, though." He couldn't even say the last three words with a straight face.

"Fuck you, they're superhero disguises you fucking asshole!" The Raccoon snapped.

Clyde's dad closed the door in their face. The two boys stood on the porch, dumbfounded and not sure what to do next. 

"Now what?" asked Human Kite. "Do we just go home?" 

The Raccoon feigned a gasp, as if he was shocked Human Kite would ever dare suggest such a thing. "I need my mask back, Human Kite. We're just going to have to break in."

There was no easy way to take someone's alcohol from their hand. Tool Shed had no other option. Before he could talk himself out of it, he charged towards the couch and smacked the whiskey bottle out of Randy's hand. It fell onto the floor.

"Stan!" Randy slurred. "The fuck was that for? You little asshole!"

Suddenly Tool Shed heard glass breaking in the living room. Mysterion must have succeeded in finding Randy's stash of power. Another sharp sound of glass shattering echoed in the living room. And then another. Tool Shed winced as he realized Mysterion must be breaking the bottles one by one. 

"The fuck!" Randy roared, wobbling to his feet. He was walking towards the kitchen. Or more like stumbling towards the kitchen. "Watch your back, Mysterion!" Tool Shed shouted. He had no time to help his team mate. He had to complete the mission. "Shelly! Now!"

He ran around the corner to his parents room. Shelly was barging in, complaining about her painful period cramps. Tool Shed watched as Sharon hurried out of her room with Shelly, saying something about pain killers in the bathroom.

Tool Shed stealthily tiptoed into his parents bathroom and successfully placed his fifty dollars. The other twenty he now owed Shelly. Fifty should be enough, anyway.  

"Tool Shed!" he heard Mysterion call out. "I need your help!"

Tool Shed ran to the kitchen just in time. Mysterion was throwing punches at his dad, though Randy dodged all of them.

"Wow, dude!" Tool Shed gasped in shock. He didn't mean for them to have a full on battle with his dad! 

"You little shit!" Randy hiccupped. "Why is Batman rip off trying to take all my booze? Huh?" He swung sloppily at Mysterion. Mysterion staggered backwards, dodging successfully. Randy ended up punching a slight dent into the fridge.

"Dad!" Tool Shed shouted. "Dude! That's Kenny! Don't hurt Kenny!"

"The fuck is Kenny?" said Randy. The boys were too late. He used enough of his power. "I'll fuckin' kill Kenny!"

Tool Shed kicked his dad's legs from behind. His dad lost balance and fell backwards, waving his arms uselessly to try to stop the fall. He fell on his back and groaned in pain. Tool Shed rushed past him to Mysterion's aid.

"Mysterion! Are you okay?"

Mysterion said, "I'm fine." He brushed off his costume. "Just a bit shaken up."

Randy made an odd grunt noise. His leg was twitching. Tool Shed hoped he wasn't seriously injured. If he was then he would be in serious trouble.

"Stan?" Sharon called. Her voice was getting closer as she spoke. "Stan? What was all that noise? Are you okay?"

"Crap." 

"I can't get the stupid window open," Human Kite wheezed as he struggled to try and push the glass open. "It has to be locked."

"No way," said The Raccoon. "Clyde never locks his window, he sneaks his friends into his room like, all the time."

Human Kite heard something in the bushes behind them. He thought it was probably just a squirrel. 

"Well it's locked fatass," Human Kite huffed. He leaned against the window and tried to catch his breath. "It would really help if Tool Shed were here," he sighed.

The Raccoon rolled his eyes. "You're just saying that because he's your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend!" Human Kite snapped, his face growing hot.

The Raccoon smirked. "Oh sure he isn't, have you seen the way Stan's constantly looking at you? You two should just make out already!" The Raccoon started making obnoxious kissing noises.

Human Kite lunged for him. "Shut the fuck up, Cartman!"

"Kyle! Calm the fuck down! Christ!" 

The window slid open. Clyde was staring at them blankly. Human Kite quickly let go of The Raccoon. The Raccoon was rubbing his arms, which were red from Human Kite's tight grip.

"What are you two doing at my window?" Clyde asked.

"Um, nothing!" Human Kite said lamely. "W-we were doing nothing!"

The Raccoon rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "We were trying to break in your room you fucking moron, what does it look like we were doing?"

"Dude!" Human Kite hissed.

"Why do you want to break into my room, Cartman?" asked Clyde.

The Raccoon was silent for a while. He looked at Human Kite. Human Kite just shrugged. "I'm not Cartman! The hell would you think that?" The Raccoon said angrily 

"Because you're fat."

"If you're so fucking smart, who's this?" The Raccoon demanded, pointing at Human Kite.

Clyde said, "I don't know."

Human Kite whispered to The Raccoon, "maybe we should go. We've been caught, dude. We should bail."

"No, fuck that!" The Raccoon said loudly. Human Kite shook his head in defeat. This was their only chance of getting out of this mess safely. "I'm not leaving until I get my fucking mask back from this prick!"

Clyde said, "what mask?" 

Human Kite had a bad feeling about this. Clyde was way too calm about them trying to break into his room. Something was wrong. They needed to leave.

"Cartman," Human Kite hissed. He grabbed his arm. "We should leave. I mean it. Something isn't right."

The Raccoon shook his arm out of Human Kite's grip. He ignored his warning. He pointed his finger at Clyde. "The mask that you stole, you asshole!"

"I didn't steal your mask."

"Yes you did!"

"Did not."

"Did too!"

Clyde sighed, irritated. "I have had enough of this." He snapped his fingers and two kids came out of the bushes. Human Kite should have known it wasn't a fucking squirrel.

"Ah, great." Human Kite glared at The Raccoon. "Now do you wish we have left?"

Sharon was beyond angry. First she dragged Randy to the couch and laid him down with an ice pack. Then she made Stan and Kenny clean up the broken glass and alcohol that was all over the floor. She lectured them the entire time they were cleaning. 

"Your little superhero game isn't worth people getting hurt." Sharon scolded. 

"I'm sorry," Stan said as he accidentally pricked himself on a shard of glass. He had said sorry like a million times at this point. His mom still didn't care.

"And you are grounded, young man." Stan saw that one coming. Once he and Kenny were done cleaning up she took Stan's phone away. "Now go to your room, Stanley and don't come out until I say so." To Kenny, she added, "I will be calling your parents to pick you up. You can go to his room until they get here."

"Yes ma'am," said Kenny, who knew better than to argue with her.

"This sucks ass," Stan said once they were in his room. He rarely got in trouble. "I'm grounded and my parents are still probably going to fight once dad is conscious again." 

"It's okay dude," said Kenny. "My parents fight all the time." Kenny sat down on the edge of Stan's bed. Stan sat down beside him, his shoulders slumped.

"I just don't want them to hate each other," Stan admitted. "I want things to be like how they were, when my parents were nice to each other, you know?"

"Yeah," Kenny agreed sadly. "Parents are dumb. They get mad at each other for no reason because they have nothing better to do. Your parents will get over it."

"You think we helped?" Stan asked.

Kenny laughed and he pointed out, "your mom wouldn't have been such a pissed off bitch about us knocking your dad out if she didn't care about him."

"That's true, huh?" Stan said. He felt a little bit better. "Thanks Kenny."

"No problem, buddy."

Stan realized now was the perfect time to talk about Kenny. Kenny was always helping him with his problems. He wanted to return the favor. It's the least he could do.

"Hey, Kenny?"

"Yeah?"

"Why have you been acting all sad lately?" Stan asked. 

"It's nothing," said Kenny.

So something was bothering Kenny. Stan knew it had to have been something. "You can talk to me, if you'd like."

"Do you think we're too young to be in love?" asked Kenny.

Stan wasn't sure what he had been expecting Kenny to say, but it certainly wasn't that. "I mean, I don't know. Why?"

"I think I am," Kenny admitted quietly. He refused to look at Stan, and he was twirling his hoodie string.

"I mean, I guess it's just a feeling. Anyone can feel it. It's just adults can get married and have babies and stuff."

Kenny said, "I guess."

Stan said, "I mean, I'm in love."

Kenny turned to Stan. He looked surprised. As if he thought Stan would never admit how he felt. But why would Kenny find that surprising when he's always been open about his feelings? 

"Really?"

"Well yeah," said Stan, confused. "You know. Wendy."

Kenny frowned. "Right." He said, not sounding convinced. "Wendy."

"Who else would I be in love with?" Stan demanded, suddenly feeling all squirmy and weird. He wasn't sure what Kenny was implying, but he knew he didn't like it.

"Kyle," said Kenny.

Stan's heart stopped for a moment. "I-" his throat felt unusually dry, his tongue felt unusually thick. "I'm not in love with Kyle! What makes-I mean, what makes you think that?"

"I don't know. How you look at him, for one. Like he's the only person in the universe. I'm sure that's how I look at Bu- buh, this person that I'm probably in love with."

Stan didn't know what to say to that. So he said nothing. 

He knew Kyle wasn't the only person in the universe. But sometimes it felt like that. Sometimes he felt that Kyle was the most important person in the whole world. The only person that mattered. Like he was the universe itself. 

But that didn't mean that Stan was in love with Kyle.

Did it? 

"L‐let's not make this about me," Stan said quickly, stuttering on his own words. "Have you told this person how you felt about them?"

"No," said Kenny. He paused. "Well, I told him someone likes him. I just didn't say that person was me."

"I think you should." Stan said gently. "You'll never know if they feel the same way or not if you don't tell them how you feel."

"I guess that's true," said Kenny. 

Suddenly Sharon shouted from the living room, "Kenny! Your mom is here!"

Kenny sighed and hopped off Stan's bed. "See you, dude."

"See you," said Stan.

"Stan?" Kenny said.

"Yes?"

"Fuck your parents," said Kenny. "They totally suck ass."

Once Kenny was gone Stan was left alone with his own thoughts. Kenny thought he was in love with Kyle. That was hilarious. That was absurd. That was impossible. 

Sure, Stan could think of worse things than holding Kyle's hand. And he was sure there was worse things than maybe kissing Kyle. In fact, he thought kissing Kyle probably wouldn't be too bad. He thought about what it might be like exactly, and his stomach started doing weird flips and shit. So he stopped thinking about it. 

His point was, the idea of being with Kyle in a not so platonic way wasn't unappealing, but that was because Kyle was great. So what if Stan thought his best friend was great, and pretty, and what if Stan compared Kyle to the universe? 

That didn't mean he was in love with him. 

Of course not.

Stan stared up at his ceiling, silently. He was feeling more confused than ever

Chapter Text

The last thing Kyle wanted was to be tied up with a sparkly jump rope in Clyde's room with Cartman. Cartman was trying to wiggle free, which only made Kyle more annoyed. "Would you fucking stop moving, fatass?"

"No!" said Cartman. "I'm trying to get us out of here, Kyle."

"Dude, he can't keep us here forever. He'll have to let us go eventually."

"But I have to use the bathroom," Cartman whined. "If this takes any longer I'll just go right now."

Kyle shuddered. "Don't!" he shouted fiercely. "I mean it, fat boy! If you do I will-"

Clyde's bedroom door opened. Clyde was back from helping his dad hang a light bulb. He crept slowly towards his prisoners, his expression carefully guarded and unreadable. He stopped in front of Kyle. He clasped his hands together.

"Kyle."

"Um, hi, Clyde."

Clyde shook his head. "I am ashamed of you, Kyle. I thought you were my friend. My ally. It looks like I really could only trust your little boyfriend, Stan."

"What did I do?" Kyle protested.

Clyde sighed. He walked around Kyle, to Cartman, who was still wiggling and struggling against the jump rope. Kyle wished his arms wasn't tied to his sides or he would slap him. "Cartman. An unusual team, if I have ever seen one. And you are the Raccoon, fascinating."

When Tolkien and Bebe attacked Kyle and Cartman from the bushes and brought them into Clyde's room, Tolkien had removed Kyle's costume. Luckily he wore a t-shirt and shorts underneath it, or else that would have been humiliating. And Cartman was already without his mask, so they didn't need to remove his disguise.

"The Raccoon, and Human Kite," Clyde said. "Now I just need to find Mysterion and Tool Shed, so I can put an end to your treachery."

"Oh fuck off, Clyde," Cartman said. "You fucking asshole."

"Yeah, we were just looking for Cartman's mask," said Kyle, angrily. "That you stole!"

Clyde frowned. "I do not have your mask."

"What?" scoffed Cartman. "Yeah right, Clyde. As if we would fall for that. Stop dicking around and just give me back my mask, I am seriousy."

"I do not have your mask," Clyde said. That definitely pissed Cartman off. He began wiggling against the jump rope more fiercely, which just made the rope rub against Kyle until his arms felt raw. 

"Yes you do, you asshole!"

"I do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"I swear to fuck Clyde I am going to break free and break every fucking-"

"Guys!" Kyle shouted, stopping their childish bickering. Clyde was playing tricks on them. He knew how to get on Cartman's nerves. He knew how to waste their time. He was stalling. And Cartman fell easily to his taunting. But Kyle was smart enough not to fall for his tricks. "What are we arguing for?" he said to Cartman. "What is that going to solve?"

Clyde knew just as much as Kyle and Cartman that soon he will have to let them go, or else their parents would come looking for them. They needed to use their time wisely. Clyde caught them trying to break in to his room. They might not get another chance to try again after today.

"I am not letting you go until you tell me where my mask is," said Clyde. That made Kyle do a doubletake. What did Clyde mean by that?

"What mask?" asked Kyle.

Cartman scoffed, "yeah, fucking asshole, you mean my mask! The one you stole?"

"No." Clyde said. "I mean my mask. My superhero mask. A few days ago, it went missing. I have wondered and wondered, who might have took it? And of course, it makes so much sense. The Raccoon and Friends took it. Because they felt threatened."

Kyle was even more confused after hearing Clyde's explanation. "Uh, threatened?" he asked. "What do you mean threatened? Threatened by what?"

"By the great superhero, protecting South Park from evil. Protecting South Park from The Raccoon and Friends." Clyde said. "And that great hero is me, and my team. Uh, they are outside. I can't have too many kids in my room at once or my dad will hear us moving around. But, they're the ones who attacked you-"

"Oh, please, Clyde," Cartman laughed at that. "First you steal my mask, and now you steal my idea? South Park already has superheroes protecting it, you fucking moron. It has the Raccoon and Friends!"

"No, it has the great Mosquito." Clyde said dramatically.

"Mosquito?" Cartman hurled into another laughing fit. Clyde turned bright red with anger. He waited impatiently for Cartman to stop laughing. "Oh my god! That is the fucking lamest name I ever heard, how long did it take for you to come up with that one?"

"Don't laugh at me, Cartman!" Clyde threatened, his face even redder. He grabbed Cartman by the shoulders and looked him straight in the eye, his expression deadly serious. "I am protecting South Park from evil. Which is you! And once I figure out the true identity of Mysterion and Tool Shed, I will keep them imprisoned too, and South Park will finally know justice."

Kyle didn't know what Clyde was talking about. He's never heard of the superhero Mosquito. Was this just another one of his tricks?

"But we're the ones bringing justice to South Park," said Cartman.

"Oh, really?" Clyde challenged, leaning closer to Cartman so that he was at eye-level with him. "And what justice is that, exactly? Terrorizing a poor old lady by breaking into her home, attacking her, shouting at her, and stealing her cookies?"

Kyle's stomach dropped.

Clyde knew that was them.

"They were mind controlling cookies, asshat!" Cartman spat. "Why do you think the whole town was so nice to her when she was a total evil bitch? Because she was mind controlling them with her cookies! Think about it, you moron!"

Clyde frowned. "That does make sense..."

"Because it's the fucking truth!" Cartman said. "Now would you let us go already? I need to use the bathroom and you are seriously starting to piss me off, now."

"As I said before, I will not let you go until you tell me where my mask is." Clyde said.

"I don't fucking know!" said Cartman. "Because I didn't take your god damn stupid mask!" but Clyde wouldn't listen to reason.

"I guess that means you are stuck here, then," Clyde sighed. 

Just then, Clyde's dad suddenly shouted from downstairs, "Clyde! Come down here and help your mother make dinner!"

Clyde swore under his breath. "When I return," he said to Cartman and Kyle, "I expect you two to be ready to talk. If not, Mosquito is very patient. I can play this game all day. And I don't care if Cartman pees on my floor. I'll just blame it on my dog." With that, he left them alone.

"Way to fucking go, Kyle."

"What?" Kyle demanded. "What did I do? This was your idea, Cartman!"

"You said Stan would be our backup!" Cartman reminded him. And Kyle felt a sharp pang in his chest hearing those words. "But where is he, Kyle? Not here to save our asses, that's where he is! He is probably playing video games with Kenny and completely ignoring his phone."

Before Clyde had the chance to tie them up after Tolkien and Bebe attacked them, Kyle sent several texts to Stan requesting backup. He never replied. His phone never even said Stan read his text messages. Stan promised he would be there for Kyle if Kyle needed him. So why wasn't he answering?

"Maybe his phone died," suggested Kyle, though he wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself or if he was trying to convince Cartman.

Kyle didn't want to believe Stan would ignore him. He tried to think of a logical answer. Stan's phone might be dead. Or he might be busy getting backup. Or maybe he was too busy with his own mission to worry about Kyle. Kyle bit his lip. He hoped Stan was okay.

"I can hear your gay thoughts from here," Cartman said. "So would you stop thinking? It's really annoying, like, seriously."

"Stan will show up."

"I doubt it." Cartman said.



What felt like hours went by before Clyde finally came back in his room. He was happy and fed, while Kyle was starting to get really hungry, and Cartman was seriously considering pissing all over Clyde's nearby stuffed animals. He wished he had his hands free to aim. He would make a total fucking mess out of Clyde's favorite things. That's what that asshole deserved.

"Ready to talk?" asked Clyde. He was circling the two of them, his hands clasped together behind his back. "Because I got another few hours before your parents start wondering where you are. Kyle, you're rarely at your parents' for dinner anymore. And Cartman's mom is probably getting too fucked by some meth addicted asshole to care where are."

"Ey!" Cartman snapped.

"So, I will ask again," Clyde cleared his throat. He circled the two boys for a few more seconds before halting in front of Kyle. He fixed his sharp, cold gaze on him. He said, "maybe you will be smarter than your fat little friend." Kyle wanted to say Cartman wasn't his friend, but thought better of it. "Tell me, Kyle. Where did you guys put my mask?"

Kyle wasn't intimidated. He could easily kick his leg up and kick Clyde in the balls if he dared step too close. Only his arms and his torso was tied by the stupid jump rope. Kyle said firmly, "we don't have your mask. We did not take it. You took Cartman's mask."

"I don't believe you," said Clyde.

Kyle snapped back, "and I don't believe you. We have established that we do not trust each other. But that is as far as we've gotten. And that is as far as we're ever going to get."

"But I want my mask!" Clyde whined, his cool and unbothered persona finally cracking. He was on the verge of tears. He stomped his foot in frustration. "I know you guys took it! Just give it back!"

"We don't have it! Fucking christ! What part of that is so hard for you to understand?" Cartman asked, clearly so over Clyde's bullshit.

"I just want to play superheroes with you guys!" Clyde said.

"But you're the bad guy," Kyle pointed out.

"I'm not!" Clyde protested.

Kyle thought that maybe Clyde was telling the truth. Maybe Clyde didn't take Cartman's mask. And maybe Clyde really was a superhero, and his mask got stolen too. But if he didn't take Cartman's mask, and his own mask got stolen as well, then who is stealing the masks?

"I believe you," Kyle finally said.

Clyde said, "you do?"

Cartman groaned, "you do? Kyle, the fuck?"

"I don't think he took your mask, Cartman," said Kyle urgently. He had to get Clyde to trust them. He needed Clyde to let them go. "And if Clyde didn't take your mask then it is worse than we thought. Something really sinister is going on here. And we need to team up with Clyde and figure out who is the real evil in the school."

"Fine," Cartman grumbled. "But I'm only agreeing because I really need to piss."

Kyle scrunched his nose up in disgust. He said to Clyde, "we believe you. And we trust you." Before Cartman could make some stupid ass comment and ruin everything Kyle quickly added, "and we are willing to team up with you. Are you willing to team up with us?"

Clyde hummed thoughtfully. Kyle was worried if they waited any longer Cartman would pee himself, and he didn't want to be tied up with Cartman when that happened.

"Okay. Deal." Clyde said. He held his hand out to Kyle to shake on it.

Kyle deadpanned, "kinda tied up right now."

"Oh, oops. My bad." He bent down and untied Kyle and Cartman. He tossed the jump rope to the side. "Sorry. I take my work very seriously, as I'm sure you do as well-"

"Clyde where the fuck is your bathroom?" Cartman practically yelled as he jumped to his feet. 

"Last door down the hall-"

Cartman ran out of Clyde's room without another word.

"He really had to use the bathroom," Kyle said to Clyde.

"I guess, damn."

Now that his hands were free Kyle pulled out his phone and sent another text to Stan. He tried calling him a couple of times. Nothing. Why wasn't Stan answering?

"Being ghosted by your boyfriend?" Clyde asked, leaning over Kyle's shoulder.

Kyle hid his phone from Clyde's view. Did he not have any human decency? "Dude! Don't be so nosy."

"Bebe ignores me all the time when she's mad at me. Maybe Stan is mad at you."

"He's not..." Kyle shot back, but then he paused. Stan didn't choose him for his mission. Instead he chose Kenny. Maybe Stan was mad at him. 

Maybe Stan was mad about the fake dating, and the superhero romantic subplot. Now Wendy thought he was dating a boy. He was probably super pissed.

Kyle's stomach dropped. 

Cartman barged back in. "Dude I pissed all over your toilet lid."

Kyle made a face. "You didn't lift it?"

"The fuck would I do that for, Kyle?" Cartman asked. 

"Why would you pee all over my toilet, you asshole?" Clyde demanded.

"Uh, probably because you kept us tied in your fucking room for fucking hours!" Cartman shot back.

Clyde didn't respond. Cartman was right to be angry, and judging Clyde's guilty expression, he probably knew it, too.

Kyle's phone buzzed in his hand. He would never admit to himself the way his heart skipped a beat. It wasn't a text from Stan. It was a text from Kenny in the Raccoon and Friends groupchat. 

Disappointed, Kyle tapped the notification.

Kenny: got a call, heroes! Raccoon and Friends needed at Mr. Garrison's. 

Kyle looked up from his phone. Cartman was still arguing with Clyde. He cleared his throat loudly, getting both of their attention. 

"Cartman. We got a text from Kenny. Its important."

"I have my phone on silent, my bad."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Whatever. We're needed at Mr. Garrison's, Clyde, where did you put our costumes?"

"Can I come with you guys?" Clyde asked hopefully.

"No!" Cartman and Kyle shouted at the same time.

After Clyde got got their costumes out from his closet, Kyle quickly texted Kenny back. 

Kyle: on it. Me and the Raccoon are on our way.

Kenny: oh Tool Shed is currently grounded. Human Kite can you go and rescue him? Then meet me and the Raccoon at Mr. Garrison's. 

Kyle felt relieved. Stan was grounded. Sharon probably took his phone away, too. That's why he wasn't texting back. 

Kyle: on it!!

Kenny: Operation Save the Boyfriend

Kyle blushed. He tucked his phone away, not sure how to respond. "You meet with Kenny at Mr. Garrison's," he said to Cartman. "I have to go get Stan. He's grounded."

"You can save Stan from being grounded but you can't save me?" Clyde crossed his arms and pouted. "That's bullshit."

"You had us as prisoners you ass fucker," Cartman sniffed. He was good at holding grudges. He wasn't going to let this one go any time soon.

"But we're allies now."

"Unfortunately." Cartman grumbled under his breath. Then he said, "before we go, let's see this Mosquito costume, anyway."

Clyde's whole face lit up. From the look on Cartman's face Kyle figured he regretted asking. 

"One second!"

Clyde ran to his closet and locked himself inside. Kyle and Cartman waited awkwardly for a few moments before Mosquito stepped out.

"Ta-da!" Mosquito announced, striking a pose and showing off his outfit. "It is the great and powerful Mosquito!"

Kyle stared blankly.

Cartman started laughing. 

"That is the gayest thing I've ever seen!" Cartman laughed so hard he was crying. He wiped the tears from his eyes and pointed at Kyle, wheezing, "well, second gayest thing. Gayest thing besides Kyle."

Mosquito flipped him off. "It looks cooler with my Mosquito nose! But like I said, it was stolen from me."

Cartman laughed, "you have a whole ass nose too? Oh my God, that is so awesome! I bet you look even stupider with it than you look right now!"

Kyle elbowed him sharply. "Let's just go. You know. Superhero mission."

Kyle and Cartman left climbing out the window. Mosquito shouted after them, "you guys should totally include me in your group!"

Chapter Text

Stan was a lot of things. He was grounded. He was tired. Yet he was also restless. And he was confused.

He's been pacing his room, thinking about what Kenny said for hours. 

He was in love with Wendy. He has been since forever. He wasn't sure why Kenny thought he was in love with Kyle. Kyle was just his best friend. And Kyle was a boy.

Stan didn't think boys liking boys was wrong, or anything. He just didn't like boys. He liked Wendy. So obviously he liked girls.

Kyle is very pretty, for a boy. Stan thought, which only made him feel more confused. He thought his friend was okay-looking. But that didn't mean anything. He just didn't think Kyle was ugly. He didn't think Kenny was ugly, either.

But I don't think Kenny is pretty, Stan thought. He was arguing with himself. That was just pathetic. 

Stan sat down at his desk and turned on his computer. He stared at his screen for several minutes before switching to a private browser. Then he searched 'how do you know if you like someone' and clicked the first link.

Everything in the article was just cheesy bullshit. Like if you thought about them a lot. Of course Stan thought about Kyle a lot. Kyle was his best friend. So, that one didn't really help.

The next thing on the list was if you thought about kissing them. Stan hadn't thought about kissing Kyle before, but he was definitely thinking about it now.

He didn't think kissing Kyle would be too bad. It would probably feel like kissing Wendy, if he just pretended Kyle was a girl.

But he felt weird about the whole Kyle being a boy thing. He's never paid much attention to Wendy being a girl when he thought he might like her. Not that he thought he liked Kyle. He didn't. He couldn't, because Kyle was a boy. This was all hypothetical.

Next Stan typed in, 'how to know if you like a boy', and all the results were clearly written for girls. So they weren't very helpful for Stan.

He could always look up-

Stan swallowed nervously. He glanced over at his door, making sure it was shut. The last thing he needed was his parents barging in while he was confused. 

Stan looked up 'how to know if you're gay' and stared at the results. He finally clicked one and skimmed through the article. 

Some of it he found helpful. But a lot if it wasn't. He knew he really liked Wendy, wasn't that contradicting with the whole gay thing? 

Stan wasn't sure which he liked anymore. Girls, or boys? Was he just reading too much into this Kyle thing?

Stan searched, 'I like girls but now I think I like a boy', and so many other confusing articles and confusing labels popped up. Stan felt miserable. He did have feelings for Kyle. Kenny was right. Why couldn't this have been easy?

Stan finally accepted that whatever he was, he was a pathetic mess. Then he heard a noise at his window. Startled, Stan quickly turned off his computer and jumped out of his chair.

It was Kyle. Kyle was at his window, trying to get inside.

Christ, Stan thought before rushing towards the window. He unlocked it and slid it open. Kyle stumbled inside, falling against Stan, who grabbed ahold of his waist.

"Hi." Stan breathed, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. 

"Hi." Kyle said.

Stan and Kyle were silently staring at each other for what felt like for ages. Then Kyle finally said, "could you let me go?"

"Um. Sorry." Stan stepped a few inches away from his best friend, pushing his hands in his pockets to keep himself from touching Kyle again. "Dude, what are you doing here?"

Kyle quickly recovered from his slight fluster. "Mysterion and the Raccoon has requested our assistance at Mr. Garrison's. Mysterion told me you were grounded. So, I came to bust you out. C'mon, Tool Shed."

Stan just noticed that Kyle was wearing his superhero costume. He wasn't Kyle. He was Hunan Kite.

They were playing the game.

Stan shuffled a little bit closer, slightly dazed and totally losing his fucking mind. Human Kite looked confused. 

"Um? What are you doing?" Human Kite asked quietly, looking anywhere but at Stan. 

He was nervous, Stan realized. He was nervous because they were so close. Stan wanted to tell him that it was okay, that he was nervous too, but his throat felt thick and he found he couldn't say a word.

All Stan could think in that moment was how pretty Kyle looked, even in his silly superhero costume. And how much Stan wanted to kiss him.

The thought was like fire. It consumed him, until every part of him felt as of he was truly burning. His whole body was hot.

He felt slightly faint.

Stan wanted to- he wanted-

Stan wanted so much. He hadn't realized just how much he wanted until now. And Kyle was standing right in front of him, red in the face. He really was pretty.

"What are you doing?" he asked again, his voice barely above a whisper.

"This," Stan said breathlessly. He leaned forward and kissed Kyle. 

Kyle squeaked in surprise, and then he quickly recovered and kissed back. Stan's heart was racing. His nerves were doing acrobatics in his stomach. He couldnt believe he was kissing Kyle. And Kyle was kissing him back. It was better than Stan thought it would be.

Kyle pulled away, his face even redder than before. "I-I-" 

Stan grabbed Kyle's hand. He asked, "was that okay?"

"Yes, but-" Kyle stammered, nervously twitching. "But Cartman wasn't here to see it."

The game. Kyle thought it was just for their silly game. Stan wanted Kyle to see it that way, a safe excuse that allowed Stan to explore his feelings without ruining the best friendship he's ever had. But it still hurt.

"We'll tell him," Stan said.

"Oh-okay," Kyle mumbled.

Stan asked, "Human Kite, can I kiss you again?"

"Um, yes," Kyle squeaked. "You can. I mean,  yeah, uh, go ahead, heh. Lay one on me-"

Stan cut off Kyle's stupid, cute ramble with a kiss. Stan pulled away almost instantly. "Haha, you look so red, dude-"

Kyle grabbed Stan's face and pulled him closer, kissing him this time, and Stan thought that was even better. Kyle was hesitant and awkward, but Stan felt as if he was floating in the air.

Kyle pushed himself away, embarrassed. "Sorry," he said. "Um. Mission, Tool Shed. We're on a mission? Uh, Mr. Garrison's. Mysterion and The Raccoon. Waiting on us."

Stan nodded. "Right. Let me just get back into costume real quick."

Kyle silently nodded and waited as Stan grabbed his costume and changed in the closet.

Stan couldn't believe it. He kissed Kyle. And the world didn't end. And he will say it was all for their game. And it will be a lie. But he wouldn't lose his best friend. 

When Stan walked out of the closet he was no longer Stan. He was Tool Shed. Human Kite was still fiercely blushing. He looked so cute. Tool Shed shook his head.

"Ready?" Human Kite asked.

Tool Shed nodded. "One second." He grabbed a bunch of pillows from his closet and shoved them under his blanket to make it look like someone was under the blankets, sleeping. 

"In case my parents decide to check up on me," said Tool Shed.

"Smart," responded Human Kite.

The two superheroes snuck out of the window. It was dark and cold out. Tool Shed grabbed Human Kite's hand. To keep warm, he would tell Human Kite if he questioned it. Human Kite didn't. He intertwined their fingers together and said nothing.

Tool Shed and Human Kite reached Mr. Garrison's front yard. The Raccoon and Mysterion were waiting for them impatiently.

"There the fuck you are," the Raccoon groaned. "We've been waiting forever. The fuck were you two doing? Making out?"

"No!" Human Kite protested quickly. He blushed fiercely. "It's-it's none of your business, you fucking fatass!"

Tool Shed said to Mysterion, "you are the one who received the distress call. Did Mr. Garrison say what he needed our help with?"

Mysterion shook his head. "No, but it sounded urgent."

"Then we have no time to waste," said The Raccoon. Human Kite glared at him. It was The Raccoon who was wasting their time. "Come on, superheroes. Let's go save our fourth grade teacher. Even though I'm sure none of us really want too."

The four superheroes were surprised to find the door wasn't locked. It wasn't even shut properly. It was cracked open. Tool Shed thought that was odd, but he pushed the door open anyway. It slowly creaked open, revealing Mr. Garrison laying on the couch in his living room, which was dimly lit by a lamp.

"Mr. Garrison?" Human Kite was the first to step inside. He slowly inched closer to Mr. Garrison, nervously. "Um. Are you okay?"

Tool Shed followed behind Human Kite, then The Raccoon, and lastly Mysterion, who was watching their backs for them, keeping his guard up for enemies.

Tool Shed and Human Kite stood side by side in front of Mr. Garrison. His face was flushed and his eyes were bloodshot red, and he had a derpy smile on his face.

"Hello, children," he said faintly.

"Are you okay?" asked Human Kite.

Mr. Garrison giggled. It was an eerie sound. "No." He said happily. Tool Shed and Human Kite swapped glances. Human Kite looked as confused as Tool Shed felt.

"Do you want to uh, elaborate?" Tool Shed tried.

"I'm trippin' balls," said Mr. Garrison.

Great. Tool Shed pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Mr. Garrison was totally stoned. That was the last thing Tool Shed wanted to deal with tonight.

"Do you know why you called for us?" Tool Shed tried.

"Boyfriend," said Mr. Garrison, his words so light Tool Shed wasn't entirely sure of he heard him correctly. He repeated himself, his words slightly more clear this time. "Boyfriend."

"What boyfriend?" asked Human Kite impatiently.

"My boyfriend," Mr. Garrison answered. He started giggling again. It was a haunting sound that made Tool Shed and Human Kite cringe.

"What about your boyfriend?" asked Tool Shed.

"In my bedroom," sighed Mr. Garrison. He rolled his head sideways. He was now looking up at the ceiling, totally dazed. He put his hands on his stomach and hummed. "Bedroom."

Tool Shed didn't want to deal with this any longer.

"What about him?" Human Kite repeated.

"Bad," said Mr. Garrison.

Human Kite frowned. "Your boyfriend is bad?"

"Can you two hurry up?" said The Raccoon, he and Mysterion were keeping watch for them at the door. They had enemies somewhere, stealing masks and spreading evil, so it was best someone kept look out. "It's cold as fuck I want to get this mission done as soon as possible."

"We're working on it, fat boy!" Human Kite snapped.

"My boyfriend is bad," Mr. Garrison confirmed. He was chasing something with his hands. Tool Shed wondered how drugged out he was. "He is very bad. Total asshole. Want you to kick his cheating, lying, hot ass for me, children. He is in my bedroom. Probably jerking off to pictures of random strangers online again. Kick his ass for me."

"What did he do to you?" asked Human Kite.

Tool Shed had a sickening thought at the sight of the state Mr. Garrison was in. He swallowed thickly, "did he... was he the one who drugged you?"

Mr. Garrison laughed as if that was the most hilarious thing he's ever heard. Tool Shed regretted feeling bad for Mr. Garrison, even for a brief moment. Mr. Garrison was a sick asshole, how could he forget? "No," Mr. Garrison wheezed. "Did this myself, what do you think I am, a fucking hippie?"

"We hope not," The Raccoon said.

"I don't think you're supposed to talk when you are on watch," Human Kite said to him.

The Raccoon flipped him off.

Too Shed ignored their usual arguing. He asked Mr. Garrison, "so you want us to kick your boyfriend's ass for you? Why don't you just break up with him?"

"Because he's a total fucking catch, Jeez, are you stupid?" Mr. Garrison said. He rolled his eyes. "And I tried, I'm not a fucking baby." Tool Shed would have to disagree there. "He just won't leave. He threw a tantrum and locked himself in my bedroom. He won't get out. So I need you four gay looking children to kick his ass for me. I'll give you an A on the next test."

"An A?" gasped The Raccoon. "Tool Shed, Human Kite, go and kick that guy's ass already, what the fuck are you waiting for?"

Tool Shed crossed his arms. "How can you give us an A if you don't even know who we are?"

"Oh jeez," Mr. Garrison groaned and slapped his forehead. "You're Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Eric. I'm not stupid. Only you four would do something as dickish as harass an old lady and steal her cookies. Just go and get rid of my boyfriend for me. What, should I pay you to do it, too?"

"Yes!" The Raccoon said quickly.

Human Kite shot him a cold glare. "We're not going to make him pay us for being superheroes, fat ass! We do it for justice. Remember?"

The Raccoon scoffed and said, "what are you saying, Human Kite? You don't want us to get paid? What, do you want to stay broke forever?"

"Isn't an A enough?"

"Not if I can get money, as well."

"You're so going to Hell when you-"

Tool Shed put his hand on Human Kite's shoulder. Human Kite caught his gaze, and immediately blushed. Tool Shed thought Human Kite looked so cute when he was flustered. He shook his head, as if trying to physically shake those thoughts away. Now wasn't the time for his sexuality crisis. He had a mission. 

"Come on, let's just go kick this guy's ass so we can get our A and we can get out of here. I'm tired. And I'm in enough trouble with my parents as it is, so."

Human Kite flipped The Raccoon off. Then he followed Tool Shed to Mr. Garrison's bedroom. Tool Shed held his arm out in front of Human Kite.

"Dude?"

"I think he's right behind the door," Tool Shed whispered in Human Kite's ear. "He probably heard everything. Stay back." 

Human Kite stayed where he was as Tool Shed leaped at the door, kicking it open. The door swung open and hit Mr. Garrison's boyfriend. He stumbled back, swearing a string of colorful curse words.

"Thanks, my hero," Human Kite said, likely sarcastically.

"You two should get a room," The Raccoon shouted from where he stood guard.

"What are you fucking kids doing here?" asked the man. He was definitely drunk. That only reminded Tool Shed of his dad. It made him even more angry.

"Human Kite and Tool Shed VS The Drunk Boyfriend!" Human Kite announced dramatically.  

"What?" The Drunk Boyfriend slurred, confused. "The hell are you talking about-"

Human Kite attacked first. He was probably still pissed Tool Shed had him stay back as he kicked the door down. Human Kite kicked the man in the knees.

"Ow!"

He fell to the floor, staggering in pain.

Human Kite stood before him. He stomped his foot on the man's stomach, keeping him pinned to the floor. 

"Any last words?" he asked the man, his voice rough.

Tool Shed's heart fluttered. He stood there in awe, just watching his best friend. He never noticed how swift and quick-thinking his superhero companion was until now. 

"What do you want from me?" The Drunk Boyfriend cried. 

"To leave, and stop harassing this poor citizen," said Human Kite fiercely. "He is under our protection now."

"Okay!" The man wailed out. He was drunk and confused and being attacked by a fucking child. He was not having a good day. He knew to just agree with whatever the fuck he was told. "O-okay!"

Human Kite looked back over his shoulder. "What do you think, Tool Shed? Should we let this man go?"

God, he wanted to kiss him again. 

"Tool Shed?"

"Huh?" Tool Shed stammered, snapping out of his stupor. "Uh, yes," he coughed, not sure what he was agreeing too. His face burned with embarrassment. Was he really getting distracted by Human Kite while they were on a mission? He had to snap out of it!

His thoughts and feelings were even more confusing and weird since he kissed him. What was he even thinking? Why did he do that? Now it was all he could think about. It fucking sucked ass.

Human Kite stepped away from The Drunk Boyfriend. He quickly scrambled to his feet and ran away.

Human Kite stepped closer to Tool Shed, looking all proud of himself. It took the last of Tool Shed's remaining self control not to kiss that smug look off his best friend's face. 

"Great team-work, Tool Shed."

"Uh-huh." Tool Shed stared helplessly.

"Come on. Let's return to the others." Human Kite said happily.

Tool Shed felt his chest tightened. It was hard to even breathe around him. 

What is he doing to me? Tool Shed thought miserably. He followed Human Kite back into the living room. He made sure to keep a few feet distance between him and Human Kite. He felt oddly alone.

Mysterion asked them, "we saw him run out the front door. Was it a hard fight?"

"Not really," Human Kite boasted. "Dude, I just kicked him once!"

"Sounds like he was a weak pussy," The Raccoon snickered.

Human Kite said, "or I'm just really strong. Anyway, we should go home, guys."

The Raccoon and Human Kite argued the whole walk back. Tool Shed remained silent, staring at his feet as he walked. 

Human Kite rescued him from the prison that was his bedroom. So he kissed him. He thought it was just right. Now everything felt wrong. He kissed him, and it was great.

So why wasn't it great now?

"Are you okay, Tool Shed?" Mysterion asked him. He sounded worried.

"Everything's fine," Tool Shed lied.

It didn't matter. It's not like the kiss really meant anything. It was just for the game.

Tool Shed dared to glance at Human Kite, who was still arguing with The Raccoon. Even in his ridiculous costume did he look pretty in the bright moonlight.

Just for the game, Tool Shed thought doubtfully. 

Chapter Text

Kyle couldn't sleep. It's been several hours since he's returned home from his superhero mission. It's been several hours since Stan kissed him. 

Kyle wasn't sure how he was supposed to pretend like nothing changed. He knew Stan only kissed him for their silly game. But it felt real to him. 

He couldn't tell Stan that. Kyle turned onto his stomach and shoved his face into his pillow and grumbled in frustration. 

It wasn't fair. If Stan found our how Kyle felt about him, he'd never want to speak to him again. But he kissed him. It wasn't fair, that Stan got to do things like that. Kyle regretted agreeing to Cartman's stupid romantic subplot. 

Kyle looked at his alarm clock. In an hour and a half, he had to go to school. He figured he might as well just stay up.

He grabbed his phone and checked to see if any of his friends were online.

Tweek was. Tweek never slept. Butters was, but Kyle didn't want to talk to Butters. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman weren't online. Kyle sighed and decided to read useless articles about canned food and how they decide their expiration dates until it was time to get ready for school. 

Kyle headed downstairs and to the kitchen. His parents were sitting down at the table, enjoying their morning coffee.

"Morning, Kyle," Gerald said.

Kyle felt too tired to talk. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, miserably.

"Son, we wanted to have an... important talk with you."

"Agh," Kyle groaned, because of course they did. "What, now?"

"The news reported some kids came and beat up some man last night," Sheila said, sounding concerned.

"And they still haven't found the kids that attacked that old lady," Gerald added.

Kyle felt his stomach drop with fear. "Uhh... so?" he squeaked.

"We just want you to be careful," said Cerald.

Kyle let out a sigh of relief. He didn't know what he would have done if his parents found out he was apart of Raccoon and Friends.

"Promise us you'll be careful, Boobie?" Sheila asked.

"Sure, promise," Kyle said dismissively. He grabbed a granola bar for breakfast and said, "Okay, I'm going to go to school now. See you later."

"But Kyle, you don't have to leave for another thirty minutes, don't you?" Sheila started to protest. 

Kyle was already rushing out the kitchen. "I love you!" he shouted for good measure. Then he headed out the door.

Kyle waited at the bus stop. But he wasn't waiting for the bus. He was waiting for his friends. Stan and Cartman arrived first. They were arguing about something.

"No, dude, I'm telling you, she has a bush. No way she doesn't."

Stan made a face. "That's gross."

"Hi, guys," said Kyle.

Cartman frowned. "Uh, hi, Kyle?"

"Nice weather, isn't it?" Kyle hummed to himself. It was cold. As usual.

"I guess?" Stan answered. It sounded more like a question. "Kyle, are you okay?"

"I'm totally normal!" Kyle said brightly. He wouldn't let a silly kiss ruin things. He was determined to act as normal as possible. Even if seeing Stan again was sending a swarm of rapid butterflies into his stomach. 

"Right," Cartman said, not sounding convinced. "Kyle, please get over whatever the fuck is up your ass this morning."

"Fuck off, fatass," Kyle said energetically. Stan and Cartman swapped glances.

"Are you sure you're okay, Kyle?" Stan asked cautiously.

"Yeah, you're starting to freak me the fuck out," Cartman added.

"I'm fine," said Kyle. "Just very happy to see you guys." It wasn't a total lie. He felt lonely last night. 

"But you're never happy to see me," Cartman pointed out. 

Just then, Kenny approached them "Hi guys."

"Hi, Kenny," the three boys greeted Kenny in unison. 

"My mom said Mr. Garrison's boyfriend was on the news," Kenny said.

"Oh shit," said Stan.

"Fuck, really?" asked Cartman.

Kyle felt a sharp pang of guilt in his chest. His parents talked to him about it earlier. But he was too busy trying to act as normal as possible he totally forgot to bring it up.

Kenny nodded urgently. "It's fucking ridiculous. Everyone keeps saying we're batshit crazy. I don't know."

"No one understands we're helping people," Cartman groaned.

"It gets worse." Kenny sighed.

"How can it possibly get worse?" asked Stan.

Kenny pulled out his phone and shuffled closer to his friends so they all could see. He pulled up a video. Cartman scoffed.

"You've got to get a better phone, Kenny, the video quality on yours sucks total ass."

The video had a young news reporter say, "you are watching South Park news. Today we will be discussing the young hero boy who has stolen the hearts of many."

"The fuck?" said Cartman.

"Shut the fuck up and watch the video you fucking fatass!" Kyle said with frustration. 

Stan huffed, "now you really are acting normal."

A picture of Mosquito popped up on the screen. The news reporter said, "this young hero who goes by the name of Mosquito has been helping the elderly cross the street and find their keys, has been babysitting for stressed out parents, and even brings joy and entertainment to the sick in the hospital."

"That fucking asshole!" Cartman hissed.

"I don't get it," said Stan. "Who is Mosquito?"

"A fucking prick who kept me and Kyle prisoner!" Cartman said. "He wouldn't let me pee for hours. He's not a superhero, he's a fucking sicko!"

Stan blinked. 

Kyle whispered in his ear, "he's also Clyde. We thought he was the one who stole Cartman's mask. He wasn't."

"Oh."

Cartman was beyond pissed off. "What are we supposed to do if everyone hates us but loves that asshole?"

Kenny said, "maybe we need to do less complex missions, like help the homeless, and old people or something."

Kyle thought that wasn't a bad idea. The news report on them was positive when they saved that little girl's cat from that tree.

Cartman didn't think it was a good idea. Because of course he didn't. "I'm not going to do stupid shit like that all day, Kenny."

The bus arrived. The four boys hopped on, Cartman grumbling under his breath. Kyle realized he would have to pick who he sat next with. With brief panic, Kyle quickly sat next to Kenny.

He saw Stan look over at him, confused as Cartman sat next to him.

I can't sit with him by myself, Kyle thought sadly. He asked Kenny, "hey Kenny, what do you think about Mosquito?"

"I think if Mosquito is out there, other superheroes must be out there too," stated Kenny. 

Kyle hadn't thought about that. He wondered if Kenny was right. Maybe some of their other classmates were secretly superheroes. And if they were, did that make them allies, or did that make them enemies?

Cartman was still grumbling about Mosquito. It was clear he thought that made them enemies.

Kenny seemed to think they were allies. Or at least not an opposing threat.

Kyle didn't know what he thought. And he was too tired to think more on it. He closed his eyes and rested for the entire bus ride.

Mr. Garrison walked around the classroom, giving students their grades. He looked like he had one hell of a hangover. 

He finally stopped at Kyle's desk and handed him his paper. Kyle was not surprised to see the A on the top right corner of his paper, accompanied by a smiley face.

"A smiley face too?" Cartman gasped joyfully as soon as he snatched his paper from Mr. Garrison's hands. "Fuck yeah!"

"How come he gets a smiley face?" Craig protested. "I want a smiley face, too."

Cartman turned around and flipped Craig off. 

Mr. Garrison returned to his desk. He started a random lecture about why he thought the show Friends was not funny, but Kyle wasn't paying attention.

Not because he was distracted. No, Kyle rarely paid attention to Mr. Garrison's lectures. But Kyle stared at his smiley face with shame. 

He worked hard on his test. Mr. Garrison probably didn't even look at it. He slapped on that A just because he said he would.

Kyle could feel eyes burning into the back of his neck. It was Craig. Kyle looked back over his shoulder, confused. Then Kyle realized with a start that Craig could see his smiley face. That was probably a problem. 

He's on to us, Kyle thought fearfully. He turned his gaze back to Mr. Garrison in a lame attempt at not looking suspicious. He refused to look back at Craig, no matter how strongly he wanted to. He kept his eyes strictly ahead of him.

As the kids headed out of the classroom, Mr. Garrison stopped Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman. The four boys stood in front of his desk, expressions blank.

"Yes?" Stan asked.

Mr. Garrison leaned over his desk so he was closer to the four boys. He whisper-yelled, "thanks for all your help last night."

Kyle looked at the door anxiously. Anyone could be hiding by the door, listening. Even if Clyde was not their enemy, someone was. They had to be more careful.

"What help?" Kyle said.

Mr. Garrison said, "well I know I'm hungover as fuck but I'm not that hungover, I know you four little fucks came by and helped me last night."

"Okay, okay," Cartman said impatiently. He crossed his arms. "You're welcome. But it's a secret, okay?"

"Whatever you say." Mr. Garrison agreed.

The boys hurried out of Mr. Garrison's classroom. Stan grabbed Kyle's arm.

"Huh?" Kyle stopped. "What?"

Cartman and Kenny stopped and looked back at Kyle and Stan. Cartman asked, "are you two just gonna stand there like homos, or what?"

"Just give us a second," said Stan.

Cartman and Kenny swapped glances. Kenny shrugged. The two continued down the hallway,  leaving Stan and Kyle alone.

Kyle's stomach flipped nervously. He was acutely aware of Stan's closeness, and his hand on his arm.

"Yes?"

Stan breathed out, "um, I wanted to talk to you about uh, last night, you know, when you rescued me from-"

Kyle laughed nervously, "it's-it's fine! No worries here! Heh."

Stan was staring at him. Kyle suddenly felt itchy and squirmy all over. He was too scared to move. He just stood there, under Stan's infuriating gaze. 

"I," Stan swallowed thickly and cleared his throat. "I mean, I just thought we should just get used to it, for uh, Cartman's game. So I wanted to make sure you were uh, not weirded out by it, or anything."

"N-not weirded out at all!" Kyle stammered awkwardly. He wanted this conversation to be over with already. Then he realized with a start what Stan said.

"Wait, huh? What do you mean by get used to it?" Kyle asked.

Stan said, "I just thought Cartman wouldn't be on our asses about this whole stupid thing if we put more effort into it."

Kyle nodded quickly. He couldn't think straight. He was losing his fucking mind. 

"And that probably means kissing more," Stan reasoned.

Kyle's chest tightened. "I guess you're right," he muttered.

"So you're cool with that?" Stan asked quickly. He sounded unusually eager. He coughed, "I mean, you're cool with me kissing you, for the subplot or whatever?"

Kyle was very cool with Stan kissing him. That was part of the problem. His throat felt tight. His face burned. Not trusting himself to speak, he simply nodded in agreement. 

"And you um. I know you got all mad before about being the 'girl in the relationship' or whatever that even means, so uh. You can kiss me whenever you want, too"

Kyle said without thinking, "I kind of want to kiss you right now." 

As soon as the words left his mouth, Kyle regretted them. Dread dropped in his stomach. He mentally kicked himself.

Stan's whole face flushed a bright red. He blinked, once, twice. "Dude?"

"Kidding!" Kyle laughed nervously. "I was just joking."

Stan frowned. For a moment Kyle could have sworn he looked disappointed. He was probably seeing what he wanted to see. Stan finally let go of his arm and he shoved his hands in his pocket.

Stan wasn't saying something. Kyle knew his best friend well enough to know something was on his mind. 

"What?" Kyle asked.

Stan looked down at his feet. "Um," he paused. "Nothing, dude."

"Bullshit," said Kyle. "What is it, Stan?"

"I didn't..." Stan bit his lip. An anxious habit, Kyle recognized. "I didn't dislike it. Kissing you. I mean it didn't feel weird."

"Oh." Kyle's useless heart soared. It meant nothing, he had to remind himself. 

Stan took a step closer. He was suddenly staring right into Kyle's eyes. "What about you?" he asked suddenly. 

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked. Stan was confusing the hell out of him. What the fuck was going on with him? 

"Did you like it?" Stan whispered. He was so close now. Kyle's breath faltered. "You-you like kissing boys, right? If I liked it as much as you do, what does that mean?"

"I don't know," Kyle said honestly. 

Stan grabbed Kyle's face. His grip was careful, and gentle. It was also confusing, and unfair, and Kyle felt like he was on fire, and his stomach was filled with fluttery butterflies. 

"Kyle," Stan asked gently.

Kyle couldn't speak. He couldn't move. It felt difficult to even think.

"Can I?" Stan murmured.

Oh god, Kyle thought, panicked. His stomach jumped and he could hear his heart pounding in his ears. Stan was asking if he could kiss him.

But Cartman wasn't here. They weren't Human Kite and Tool Shed. They were Kyle and Stan. And Tool Shed may want to kiss Human Kite, but Stan would never want to kiss Kyle.

"Why?" Kyle asked. He hated how small he sounded. 

Stan blushed. "I-" he looked away. "I want to um. I need to see how much I like it."

Kyle didn't know how to respond. Luckily he was saved from responding by Craig, who suddenly turned the corner and walked right up to them. He gave them a look. Stan and Kyle stared back.

"Dude if the principal catches you guys making out in the hallways she's gonna get so pissed." Craig said.

Stan stepped back, away from Kyle. Kyle felt the ache in his chest lighten. He no longer felt as if he was suffocating.

"What do you want, Craig?" Stan demanded impatiently.

Kyle sighed. Stan was using intimidation and aggression to hide his own embarrassment. Typical of him. 

"I know you guys didn't earn that smiley face," said Craig.

"Are you still on about that?" Stan rolled his eyes. "Stop being a jealous dick, Craig."

"Cartman and Kenny never get smiley faces," Craig deadpanned. "I find it odd you four all got smiley faces, and that Mr. Garrison wanted to talk to you after class."

Kyle bit his tongue to keep himself from reacting. He knew someone must have noticed.

"So?" Stan asked. He looked at Kyle helplessly. He knew just as well as Kyle that this definitely didn't look good.

"I know you four are hiding something," said Craig. He walked past them. "I will find out why you guys got that smiley face."

Kyle and Stan stood there in shock. Kyle hated that he was right. Their every move was being watched. They had to be more careful. 

"I think that's him," Kyle whispered. 

Stan nodded in agreement. "You're right, haves to be. That's the evil that is spreading across the school. Craig is the fucking prick who stole Cartman's mask."

During recess, Kyle and Stan ran to Cartman and Kenny, who were on the swings. 

"Guys!" Kyle said urgently.

"What?" Cartman groaned. "Move the fuck out of the way before I kick you, Kyle, you fucking asshole."

Kyle didn't want to get into an argument with Cartman. Not right now. They had more pressing matters at hand. 

"We think we know who our enemy is," Stan said. "We think we know who stole your mask, Cartman!"

"What?!" Cartman demanded. He shoved his feet into the dirt, forcing the swing to come to a stop. "Who?"

"Craig," said Kyle. 

"Craig?" asked Kenny, who had remained silent until now. Kenny continued to swing without a care.  

"Yes," said Kyle in a rush. "He's all pissed off at us because of our smiley faces, I'm telling you, he's on to us!"

"That son of a bitch!" Cartman swore angrily. "And we made that stupid butt fucker one of our allies!"

Stan nodded gravely. "We made Tweek one of our allies too, and he's probably in on it."

"Those gay dick bags!"

Kyle noticed Craig and Tweek a few feet away on the jungle gym. Craig was staring them down. He looked seriously pissed off. Tweek was with him, and so was Tolkien. Raccoon and Friends couldn't trust any of them.

"Don'y look, it will only make us look suspicious, but Craig is staring us down," Kyle whispered.

"Fuck," Cartman whispered back. "The fuck are we supposed to do about him?"

"Why, hello fellas!" a voice greeted loudly from behind Kyle. Kyle and Stan jumped and turned around. It was Butters. "What are you whispering for?"

"Hi, Butters!" Kenny waved. 

"Butters, God fucking damn it," Cartman sighed heavily. "Would you leave us alone? I mean how many times do we have to go through this?"

Butters frowned. "Oh, okay..." Butters said sadly, turning to leave.

Kenny hopped off the swing. He rushed to Butters' side. "I'll play with you, pal."

"Really?" Butters whole face brightened. Kyle might have been seeing things, but he could have sworn Butters was blushing a little. "Why, okay, let's play cops!"

Butters and Kenny ran off to play by the slide. The boys stared at them in silence.

"They totally make out in the school bathroom," Cartman said.

Kyle didn't care what was going on between Kenny and Butters. There was more important things to care about right now. 

"What are we going to do about Craig, you guys?" asked Kyle.

"I have no idea," said Cartman.

Stan looked thoughtful for a moment. Then, he said, "but I do."

Chapter Text

Butters was grounded. Again. As soon as he came home from school, his dad gave him a stern talking to. Butters wasn't sure why he was grounded, per se, but he was sure that he deserved it.

Butters spent the rest of the day in his room, staring at the ceiling. His dad wouldn't let him read when he was grounded. Or play with any of his toys. 

Grounded Butters could only stare at the ceiling to pass the time. Grounded Butters envied Ungrounded Butters. Ungrounded Butters had a lot more fun than he did.

What felt like hours (but was probably only close to thirty minutes) went by before Butters heard something outside.

"That's odd..." he looked outside his window. A pair of eyes looked back. He gasped and stumbled backwards in surprise. He realized with a start that it was Mysterion.

Butters slid open the window. "Oh, hello, Mysterion," he said. Mysterion perched on the windowsill, cat-like. "You know, my father will be awfully sore if he ever caught you climbing on our rooftop, Mysterion."

Mysterion said, "he won't catch me."

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you, Mysterion, do you need cough drops? I have really good honey flavored ones somewhere 'round here..."

"No," Mysterion faltered. "But, why do you ask, Butters?"

He jumped off the window, landing in Butters room swiftly on his feet. He was standing a mere few inches away from Butters. He was staring intensely. Butters suddenly felt very small.

"Your voice sounds a little rough," Butters said. "That's all."

"That is-" Mysterion cleared his throat. He looked down at his feet. A smile was evident in his voice as he said bashfully, "that is very sweet of you, Butters. But no, I'm okay."

"You just kind of talk funny," said Butters. He laughed a little. "But that's okay."

Mysterion looked up at him. "Do you not like it?" he asked.

Butters almost forgot that Mysterion had a crush on him. Suddenly he was very aware of how close Mysterion was, and that made his heart do weird things in his chest. 

"No!" he said quickly. "I just probably like your normal voice a lot, too."

Butters didn't think a boy's ever had a crush on him. The thought was so exciting. He wondered who it could be. He wondered if Mysterion would ever tell him for himself that he had a crush on Butters.

When Mysterion said nothing, Butters prompted, "why are you here, Mysterion?"

Mysterion said, "I wanted to see you."

Butters smiled widely at that. "That's really swell, Mysterion, but I'm grounded."

"Of course you are," Mysterion said angrily.

Butters felt a pang of guilt. He didn't mean to make Mysterion angry. "I'm sorry-"

"You're always grounded," Mysterion said bitterly. 

"Yeah," Butters said, not sure what else to say. "Well. Apologies."

"It's not your fault," said Mysterion. "It's your stupid parents."

Panicked, Butters leaped forward, covering Mysterion's mouth with both of his hands. Mysterion's eyes stretched wide with surprise. 

"Shh!" Butters hissed urgently. He looked over his shoulder, worried his father would suddenly be standing behind him, looking crossed. He wasn't, of course. "He might hear you."

It only took Butters a brief moment to realize Mysterion was blushing. Butters quickly retracted his hands. "Oops!" he said, slightly faint. "S-sorry!"

"It's okay," Mysterion said quietly, somewhat still dazed.

"And I'm sorry, really," Butters sighed sadly. He kicked at nothing in frustration. He wanted to spend time with Mysterion, but he was grounded. There was no way out of it. "But I can't have any friends over."

"But your parents don't know me," Mysterion said. "So how could they be so sure that I'm your friend?"

Butters thought about it for a moment. Mysterion was right. His parents couldn't get mad at him for having a friend over if they thought Mysterion wasn't a friend, but instead a complete, total stranger.

Butter felt a flicker of hope in his chest. He was smiling. Mysterion was smiling back. "Okay. I guess you can stay."

Kyle knew Stan was right. They wouldn't be able to get Craig to talk. But whatever Craig knows, Tweek knows, too. And it would be easy to get Tweek to talk.

After recess, the four boys were careful not to talk to each other. If Craig had Cartman's mask, and if Craig had any information at all, they needed to be careful not to accidentally give him anything else. 

First part of the plan: Text Tweek.

Stan texted Tweek right before recess ended. He told Tweek he had something urgent to tell him and didn't provide any other information besides that. As soon as the text sent, it was time to get back to class. An excuse to avoid talking to Tweek, to let him get all anxious over it.

After school, Tweek was rushing to Kyle and Stan, who were getting their things at their lockers.

"Oh, hi, Tweek," Stan said casually.

Kyle simply waved at him. That made Tweek freak the fuck out even more.

"Gah!" He gripped his hair and pulled tightly. "What-what did you guys want to tell me?" he asked, his voice all shaky.

Kyle glanced around to make sure Craig wasn't near. He wasn't.

Stan shrugged, "Oh, I forgot," he hummed thoughtfully. "I guess I'll have to try and remember, let's see... what did I want to talk Tweek? Hmm."

Tweek twitched anxiously at that. "Ah! Stan! You said it was urgent!"

"Oh!" Stan snapped his fingers. Kyle loved his best friend's acting skills. "What are you and Craig hiding?"

"What?!" Tweek twitched, "what-what do you mean by that?"

"Oh, nothing," Stan said casually. "Just that it's obvious Craig is hiding something, and you're defending him."

Tweek looked angry. Kyle knew it was easy to forget Tweek was a kid with temper problems sometimes.

"And what makes you think that?" Tweek demanded.

Kyle thought about stepping in, but Stan beat him to it. He said, "Craig is being a total asshole, Tweek-"

"Hey!" Tweek protested defensively. He looked really upset now. Kyle thought maybe they should tone it down just a bit. Stan clearly didn't think so.

"-Over a smiley face," Stan finished.

Tweek paused. A frown stretched across his face. "What?"

"He's being an asshole over a smiley face, and he's saying he's onto us," Stan said.

Tweek looked thoughtful for a moment. Then his eyes lit up with realization. He groaned and slapped his forehead. 

Kyle and Stan swapped quick, victorious glances with each other. So they were right. Tweek did know something.

"What?" Kyle asked.

Tweek sighed. "Okay. We are hiding something. I'll show you."

"You better," said Stan.

"But after school," Tweek added quickly. He looked over his shoulder, paranoid. When he saw no one was listening, he still looked anxious. "I'll show you after school. Go to the park and wait for me there."

Stan rolled his eyes. "Dude just show us. You don't have to be all weird and complicated about it, you know."

"I can't," Tweek insisted. He bit his lip with worry. "Say you'll wait for me at the park."

"Couldn't you-" Stan began.

Kyle quickly said for him, "okay, Tweek. We'll wait for you at the park."

Stan shot him a glare. "Fine," he agrees begrudgingly. "We'll wait for you at the park. Whatever."

"Thanks," Tweek sighed, relieved. Tweek turned around and began walking away.

"But Tweek?" Stan said.

Tweek halted. He looked over his shoulder. He asked, "yes?"

Stan said, "We'll be bringing friends."

Kyle knew Stan meant Cartman and Kenny. He felt a little irritated. He didn't know how long they would have to wait around for Tweek. It could be an hour they waited at the park. And he wouldn't mind spending that time alone with Stan. 

But Kyle also knew that Stan was right. They might need backup. And Raccoon and Friends was a team. No one should be left behind.

Tweek responded, "I thought you would. See you at the park."

Raccoon and Friends Group Chat

Stan: we agreed to meet Tweek at the park after school. You guys in?

Cartman: the fucking park?

Cartman: he better bring my god damn mask or I'll kick his little gay ass to next Tuesday

Stan: will you fucking be there or not fatass?

Cartman: dont get your panties in a twist ill be ther. 

Kyle: I'll be there too!

Stan: Kenny?

Cartman: maybe kennys phone is dead and he can't afford to charge it

Kyle: fuck off Cartman.

Kenny: sorry guys. I plan on going to Butters' after school.

Cartman: that dick bag? why?

Kenny: I like him. He's nice.

Cartman: oh u guys kenny wants to make out with butters. be my guest kenny. someone has to do it so the rest of us dont have to

Mysterion's phone was going off. Butters looked at him weird. Mysterion reminded himself to stop bringing his phone when he was in superhero costume. Or at least to remember to put it on silent mode.

"Do you need to take that?" asked Butters.

"One second," said Mysterion. He clicked on his phone. It was the Raccoon and Friends groupchat blowing up. Mysterion hadn't looked at it since earlier today when he told his douchebag friends he would be going to Butters after school.

"What's the matter?" asked Butters. "You look upset."

"I'm not," Mysterion assured him gently. Butters was so thoughtful. Mysterion felt like he was falling for Butters all over again. He skimmed through some of the texts. He quickly deemed them unimportant and he put his phone on silent node.

"I'm sorry about that, Butters," he apologized.

"Why, that's okay, Mysterion," said Butters. "You can go, if you need to."

"No!" Mysterion said quickly. His face burned with embarrassment. He cleared his throat. "I mean, no, that's okay. But... thank you, for the understanding."

"Sure! No problem, Mysterion," laughed Butters. And Mysterion adored that laugh. He adored Butters. 

"Do you want to maybe go somewhere?" asked Mysterion.

Butters smile fell. "Oh, that's awfully nice of you, Mysterion but I'm grounded. If I leave my house, my parents will be very upset with me."

Mysterion grinned. "Who said we'd be leaving your house?"

Butters looked at him. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Mysterion walked back to Butters' window. "Are you coming?" he asked Butters bashfully. His heart was pounding in his ears. He felt so stupid. 

For a brief moment Mysterion was sure that Butters was going to say no. By some miracle, he didn't. He grabbed Mysterion's hand. 

"I'm coming."

Mysterion led Butters onto the roof. Butters almost slipped and lost his balance. Mysterion was quick to grab him, his arm around his waist, pulling Butters directly against his side.

"Oh," said Butters, flustered. Mysterion knew he wasn't imagining the blush painted on Butters' face.

"Okay?" asked Mysterion.

Butters nodded slightly. "Oh-okay," he told him, breathlessly.

Mysterion carefully brought Butters up to the top of the roof. The two boys sat down. 

Mysterion wished he could say it was the peak of all romance. He wished he could say the view was a gorgeous city, like in all the romance movies. The view was of their shitty little neighborhood. 

"My parents will be awfully upset if they saw me up here," Butters said happily. "Thanks, Mysterion."

Mysterion didn't know what to say, so he remained silent. He wanted Butters to be happy. He was glad he was.

"Hey, Mysterion?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you something?" 

Mysterion nodded. "Go ahead."

Butters started fiddling with his fingers nervously. He said, "well, uh, you told me before that a kid really likes me."

Mysterion's stomach swooped. He almost forgot he told Butters that. He mentally slapped himself.

"Um." Mysterion said intelligently. "And?"

"I was just wondering if you're that kid," said Butters shyly. He asked, "are you?"

As Kenny, he would have never found the confidence to confess his newfound feelings for Butters. But Mysterion wasn't that awkward, sad little boy. 

"I am," he said. 

Confessing behind the safety of a mask. Maybe Mysterion wasn't brave at all. Maybe he was just as cowardly as Kenny.

"Well, I think I like you too," said Butters. "And I like whoever you are, not all superhero-y."

Mysterion's heart fluttered and soared in his chest. His throat felt tight. Somehow he managed, "you-you do?"

Butters nodded. "Yes, I think I like you a lot, Mysterion."

"Oh."

Butters said, "and I think you should tell me. At school. Without your mask."

Mysterion found the very thought of it terrifying, impossible, a mistake. "I can't."

"Then you should kiss me," said Butters, matter-of-factly.

Mysterion felt a lump in his throat. "Wh-what?" he sputtered, shocked and embarrassed. "Why?"

He didn't mind the thought of kissing Butters... actually, he liked the thought a lot. 

"So then you can kiss me later," Butters told him, "when you're not Mysterion, whenever you're ready, and I'll know it's you."

It felt like Stan, Kyle, and Cartman were waiting at the park for hours. It wasn't hours. It was a little over twenty minutes.

"Where the fuck is he?" asked Cartman. 

"Tweek will be here," said Kyle. "Just be patient, Jesus."

"No, not Tweek!" Cartman said. He's been blowing up the groupchat since they arrived at the park. "Kenny!"

"Kenny's at Butters, remember?" Stan said. He felt a little uncomfortable, sitting in the middle of Kyle and Cartman on the bench. He didn't want them to stop arguing. It kept him distracted from the Kyle situation. He just didn't want to be in the middle of it. Literally. 

"I thought he was joking," Cartman said. "Why would he want to hang out with that fucking dickhole?"

"Isn't it obvious?" said Kyle. Cartman didn't respond. Kyle added, "Clearly Kenny haves a crush on Butters."

Stan remembered what Kenny told him about questioning being in love. He also remembered Kenny thought he was in love with Kyle. It made his stomach twist into knots.

"You'd know all about gay ass crushes, wouldn't you, Kyle?" Cartman cooed.

Kyle turned red. "Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!"

Stan thought, not for the first time, that Kyle looked really cute when he was angry. Then he felt ridiculous for using the word cute to describe his best friend.

Suddenly, before Stan could have yet another crisis over his best friend, two kids came running into the park, both wearing silly costumes.

"I was told there was danger?" shouted one of the kids. Stan immediately recognized him as Craig, but he had a paper with the letter S taped on to his jacket. "We're here to help!"

His companion, Stan recognized as Tweek, put his hand on Craig's shoulder. 

"There's-there's no danger," he said.

Craig stared at him blankly. "Honey, you said we had something urgent to attend to at the park."

"We do!" said Tweek. He pointed at the bench where Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sat. "Our urgent matter is over there."

The three boys stared at Tweek and Craig in stunned silence. Stan was slowly processing what he was seeing.

This is what Tweek wanted to show them?

"What the fuck?" Cartman said first. He gestured wildly at Tweek and Craig. "The fuck bullshit is this?"

"I agree with Cartman," said Kyle. A rarity. "What is going on?"

"This is what I wanted to show you," said Tweek. "This is what we have been hiding."

"Oh, real funny, Craig," Cartman said with a dramatic eyeroll. "So now any asshole can just be a superhero."

"My name is not Craig. It is Super Craig," said Super Craig.

"And I am Wonder Tweek!" said Wonder Tweek with a nervous twitch. 

"That's fucking stupid!" Cartman said. "How long did it take you to come up with those? you gay wads."

First Mosquito, and now Super Craig. Stan couldn't believe it.

"We're your allies," said Wonder Tweek desperately. "We're on your side. You have to believe us."

Kyle said, "then why was Cra- er, Super Craig being a total asshole?"

Super Craig crossed his arms. Wonder Tweek put his hand on his shoulder. Wonder Tweek said, "he was skeptical of you three. But he's coming around. Right, Super Craig?"

"Yes," Super Craig deadpanned, his arms still crossed.

"But we can help you," said Wonder Tweek. "Whenever you need us. Come on, Super Craig. There's probably real crime to fight somewhere." To Stan, Wonder Tweek added, "and thank you, for your time."

Butters waited for Mysterion to kiss him. Mysterion was staring at him nervously. 

Butters asked, "are you okay?"

"Um," said Mysterion.

Butters thought Mysterion's sudden nervousness was absolutely adorable. Maybe his superhero friend just needed a push.

"Mysterion, please," said Butters quietly. "Kiss me- woah-"

Mysterion suddenly swooped forward and grabbed Butters' hand. He kissed him gently. He pulled away almost immediately, his face flushed.

Butters felt fluttery and happy. He's never been kissed like that before. 

"Oh," said Butters. "Thank you."

"Thank you?" Mysterion repeated, confused.

"Yes," agreed Butters. "You're supposed to say, 'you're welcome', you know."

Mysterion laughed.

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sat at the park in silence for several minutes after Wonder Tweek and Super Craig left.

"This is bad," said Cartman.

"Why?" asked Kyle. 

Cartman said, "because they're gay you dumbass! So obviously people are going to like them better than us."

Kyle sighed. And people already liked Mosquito better than them too. This was a total disaster. "We have allies," he said, trying to remain positive. 

Cartman said, "who fucking cares?"

Stan said, "it'll be okay, dude."

"Yes," Cartman agreed, determined. He pointed at Kyle and Stan. "Because you two are going to step your gay game up."

Chapter Text

The next day during school, Stan finds Kenny sitting on the floor against his locker. He was playing a crappy, free mobile game on his phone. 

"Hi, Kenny." 

Kenny looked up at Stan. "Hi, Stan."

Since yesterday, Kenny's been acting distant. He was always distant, but he was acting more distant than usual. Stan wondered if it had something to do with Butters.

"So, did it go well with Butters, yesterday?" Stan prompted.

Kenny was back to playing on his phone, not paying Stan any attention. He shrugged. And that was the end of that conversation.

Stan couldn't help but wonder if it was Butters. If Butters was the person Kenny said he was in love with. And if Kenny was in love with a boy, how did he know?

Not that it mattered to Stan. It didn't. Of course. It was just innocent curiosity. No self reflection necessary.

Stan tried helplessly, "well, I'm here if you want to share any earth shattering realizations."

Kenny didn't answer. Stan gave up and went to find Kyle. Which wasn't weird. Kyle was his best friend. Nothing weird at all about wanting to spend totally platonic, quality time with your best friend.

Stan felt an odd sense of guilt. It felt similar to when he lies. Which was ridiculous. Because Stan wasn't lying. 

That also felt like a lie.

After school, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny met up with Cartman for an emergency superhero meeting.

"As we know, Stupid Craig and Thunder Geek are trying to steal our fucking idea." Cartman began with a dramatic show of clearing his throat. "So, we have to outsmart them. Or, as I like to call, out-gay them."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "And how-"

Cartman stopped him right there. "Ah, ah, ah. You have to raise your hand first, Kyle."

Kyle wanted to smack the shit out of him. "I'm not doing that. How are we supposed to out-gay an actual gay couple?"

"People love superhero couples, this is true," said Cartman. "But you know what people like more? Romantic tension."

Next to where Kyle sat on the floor, Stan sighed, resting his chin in his hands. "Here we go, again with this."

"People live for the awkward glances, the first kisses, the super fucking lame and cliché love confessions. Tweek and Craig are already together. They can't provide the public with any of that."

Kyle's heart stuttered. He once again was forced to remember the feel of Stan's lips against his own. "But Tool Shed and Human Kite already kiss-"

Stan elbowed him sharply. Kyle winced and leaned away from him, rubbing his side.

"What was that for?"

Stan remained silent. He stared at Cartman, not saying a word. And then Kyle understood. 

Kyle never told Cartman about the kiss. And Stan hasn't either. And neither of them were going to tell them. 

Kyle's stomach swooped. If they didn't tell Cartman, or anyone else, about their kiss, then was it really for the game? 

And if it wasn't for the game, then what was it for? Was it possible that Stan kissed Kyle simply because he wanted to?

Just the thought of it made Kyle feel faint and hopeful. He quickly stomped down those stupid thoughts. Stan would never want to kiss him. It must have been him staying in character, or something else. 

Cartman asked, "are there any questions?"

Kyle remained silent. Kenny was the only one who raised his hand.

"Yes, Kenny."

"What exactly are we going to do?" asked Kenny.

Cartman answered Kenny's question simply, "we are going to film."

Cartman was probably expecting approval, or shouts of excitement, all of which he did not get. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny sat silently. 

Cartman asked, "did you guys not fucking hear me?"

"No, we heard you," said Stan. He sounded annoyed. "But what are we going to be filming?"

"A lot of stuff is involved with filming," added Kyle. "We need a straight forward script, we need a good camera, and-"

Cartman sighed dramatically. "God fucking damn it, okay, there will be more details on the matter this weekend."

Kyle doubted it, but he didn't argue. If Kyle was honest with himself, he couldn't care less that Tweek and Craig are superheroes now. He thought South Park having multiple heroes keeping the town safe was a good thing. Not competition.

"But for now we should go find some crime to fight," said Cartman. "Because I won't let those fucking assholes steal our ideas and get all the fame for it!"

The Raccoon's chosen 'crime' to solve was at Jimbo's gun store.

"Hi, kids!" said Jimbo. "Are you guys looking to buy a weapon?" 

"We're ten," Tool Shed reminded his uncle.

Jimbo says, "oh, that's too bad, thanks to these damn new laws I can't even give ten-year-olds weapons! What has America turned into?"

Human Kite leaned close to Tool Shed and said, "your uncle is totally nuts, dude."

"Yeah well, he's a redneck," said Tool Shed, figuring that was enough of an explanation for Human Kite.

Apparently it was, because Human Kite just nodded in response. "Good point."

Tool Shed didn't want to waste too much time in his uncle's weapon store. If he stayed too long Jimbo would surely realize that he was Stan. He didn't want his uncle to call his mom and tell him he was at a gun store with his friends.

Tool Shed grabbed The Raccoon's arm. The Raccoon said, "ey! The fuck?"

"What exactly are we fighting here?" asked Tool Shed, whisper-yelling.

"My mom says a guy comes here every day to steal rope," said The Raccoon. "If we wait, we can catch him."

"Oh, okay," said Tool Shed.

Human Kite and Mysterion overheard. Human Kite tilted his head slightly to the left. Tool Shed thought it was kinda cute. Human Kite asked, "why does your mom know some guy comes in here stealing rope?"

The Raccoon looked confused. "Um. Well that's what she told me."

"But why would she know?" Human Kite asked.

"She knows the guy?" The Raccoon suggested.

Tool Shed frowned. "But why would she know about the rope, dude-"

"Are you kids fighting?" Jimbo suddenly asked, startling the four boys. He was no longer behind the counter. Instead he was standing in front of them.

"Um, no?" Tool Shed tried helplessly. 

Jimbo said, "why, I know just what can stop a fight fair and square-"

"We can't buy a weapon, Jimbo," Tool Shed said again. "We're ten."

"Not even a little one?" Jimbo asked.

Tool Shed glared at him. Jimbo sighed and backed away in defeat. 

"Not even a little one," said Jimbo sadly.

Tool Shed noticed something. He looked around the store. Empty. It was only the four kids, and his uncle Jimbo. No one else. That was odd. Not odd that there weren't any costumers, Jimbo never got the best business in South Park, but odd that Ned wasn't with him.

"Jimbo, where's Ned?" asked Tool Shed.

Human Kite elbowed him. "Dude, why do you care?"

"He's my uncle," Tool Shed answered in a whisper. "Doesn't that make me obligated to care at least just a little bit?"

"I guess so..." said Human Kite, not sounding sure.

Tool Shed knew his best friend wasn't as close to his family as Tool Shed was close to his. Which said a lot, because Tool Shed wasn't all that close to his family, either.

"Oh, Ned's all pissed off at me," said Jimbo.

"Why?" asked Tool Shed.

"We got into a fight," said Jimbo sadly.

"About what?"

Tool Shed was being nosy. He didn't care. If he could help Jimbo out, he would. 

"Sonething stupid," said Jimbo. "It doesn't matter. I can't fix it."

"Why not?"

Jimbo said angrily, "because I'm not apologizing to that son-of-a-bitch! If he wants to talk to me, he should apologize to me first! He's the one who left me-" Jimbo paused, as if he just realized he was talking to a bunch of strange little kids. 

"Left you?" Tool Shed prompted. He didn't know what that meant. 

Jimbo added, "-left me at the store. By myself. Alone." Tool Shed didn't think that's what Jimbo was going to say. 

Tool Shed asked Jimbo, "do you know where is Ned right now?"

"At his house," Jimbo said.

"What if I talk to him?" asked Tool Shed. "And make him see reason?"

"Dude!" hissed Human Kite. Tool Shed turned to him. "What about our mission?"

"We're supposed to be saving this store," said The Raccoon. "Remember, asshole?

Tool Shed couldn't give two shits about stolen rope. He doubt Jimbo would care, either. "And I want to save my uncle. Or uh, I guess help him out."

"We could split up," said Mysterion. "Two of us could wait for the rope thief, and then one of us would have to help Tool Shed... help out his uncle."

The Raccoon said loudly, "I call dibs on the rope thief!" 

"Me too," Mysterion added quickly. He looked at Tool Shed guiltily. "Sorry, but your mission sounds kinda lame..."

"It's okay," said Tool Shed, realizing that meant Human Kite would be the one accompanying him on his mission.

He felt oddly shy as he turned to Human Kite. He asked, "um, do you want to go to Ned's with me?" 

Before Human Kite had the chance to respond, Tool Shed quickly added, "you don't have to! Um. I mean, if you want to stay here, that's. Er. Fine, too. I could do it by myself."

"Oh, great," The Raccoon said, obviously very happy with that idea. "We don't even need Tool Shed, right, Human Kite?"

"Fuck off," Human Kite said to the Raccoon. To Tool Shed he said, "Okay. I'll go with you."

I'll go with you. Human Kite's words echoed in Tool Shed's head. Tool Shed's heart skipped a beat. His guts were twisting itself into a pretzel. Why am I feeling like this? Tool Shed thought, desperate and confused. What is wrong with me?

"Great," Tool Shed said. He hated how his voice cracked. "Cool. Let's uh, go then."

"Sure," said Human Kite, staring at Tool Shed oddly.

Human Kite noticed that Tool Shed was acting weird. Of course he noticed. Tool Shed was stupid to ever think his best friend wouldn't notice. 

Tool Shed said to The Raccoon and Mysterion, "I hope your mission goes well."

"Yours too, heroes," said Mysterion.

The Raccoon rolled his eyes. "Their mission isn't even a mission, Mysterion. It's just an excuse for them to leave so they can make out some, heh," The Raccoon laughed.

Tool Shed could feel his face turn red. Just like that, he was remembering. 

Why did I kiss him? thought Tool Shed as he and Human Kite left his uncle's store. That was so fucking stupid!

His stomach jumped at the memory of Human Kite in his arms. Maybe it was stupid. But it was also really nice...

While Tool Shed and Human Kite were on their gay ass mission, The Raccoon and Mysterion were determined to catch the rope thief. The Raccoon took shelter behind a stack of bullet boxes. He peered over them, carefully watching the door. Mysterion stayed in plain sight.

"Aren't you going to hide, Mysterion?" asked The Raccoon. 

"No," said Mysterion.

The Raccoon practically hissed with frustration, "you're going to compromise the whole mission, Mysterion!"

Tool Shed's stupid uncle suddenly asked, "what are you kids doing here, anyway?" 

The Raccoon gave him a look. Was he fucking serious? Did he not realize he and Mysterion were trying to save his stupid store?

"Being superheroes you fucking dick," said The Raccoon, flipping Jimbo off. "And you are fucking welcome."

Jimbo said, "well, I don't really need you boys' help."

Just then the door swung open. The Raccoon stood up on his tip toes to see over the bullet boxes. It was a young blonde man with freckles. Just like his mom described him.

The Raccoon grabbed Mysterion's arm and pulled him behind the boxes. Mysterion twisted him arm out of The Raccoon's grasp.

"What was that for?" asked Mysterion.

"Shh!" The Raccoon hissed. He said quietly, "that is the rope thief."

Understandment flashed in Mysterion's eyes. He nodded. "Okay." He whispered. "What are we going to do?"

"Wait 'til he goes to the ropes," said The Raccoon. "That's when we'll attack." 

Mysterion nodded silently. The two superheroes watched the man as he neared closer and closer to the end of the store, where the ropes were. 

The Raccoon waited patiently. And then, finally, the man was standing beside the ropes, reaching for one. He was likely going to stuff it in his pocket to steal it.

"Now!" shouted The Raccoon.

The man turned around, confused. He asked, "is someone yelling? Ah!"

The man shouted as The Raccoon and Mysterion jumped at him, successfully knocking him over. He scrambled and tried to push the two superheroes off of him, grunting as he struggled. 

"Why are you stealing rope?" demanded Mysterion.

"I-" the man gasped, trying to kick Mysterion away from him.

"What's going on?" shouted Jimbo, rushing to their side.

"This man has been stealing your rope," said Mysterion fiercely, fixing the rope thief a harsh glare. "We're saving your store. You are welcome."

Jimbo scratched the back of his neck. He looked perplexed. "Well shoot, I didn't realize that's where my ropes' been disappearing too, thanks boys."

The Raccoon froze. Now that he was face to face with the rope thief, he realized just how familiar the rope thief was. 

"Do I know you, thief?" demanded The Raccoon.

"I don't know!" the rope thief cried. He was freaking the fuck out. 

With a cold pang of dread, The Raccoon realized who the rope thief was. His mother's current boyfriend. He'd seen him come to their house a couple of times. And that's how his mom knew about the rope.

But what was some strange ass man and his mom doing with rope, anyway?

"Okay boys," Jimbo practically pulled The Raccoon and Mysterion away from the man. "Thank you for all your help. But me and the cops got it from here."

As The Raccoon and Mysterion left Jimbo's gun store, Mysterion spoke. "Fucking shit. Your mom is a raging whore."

In all the years Tool Shed has seen Ned, he can't remember Ned ever looking so sad. He was sprawled out on his couch, beer in hand, watching a shitty sitcom on TV.

Tool Shed and Human Kite stood in front of him, blocking the view of the TV.

"When did you kids get in here?" asked Ned. Even for a robotic sounding voice, he even sounded sad.

"Um. We heard you and uncle-um, Jimbo had a fight," said Tool Shed. "And we wanted to help you."

"But why?"

Good question.

Because Tool Shed hated seeing his uncle upset. Because he hated seeing Ned upset, Ned wasn't his uncle by blood, but Tool Shed has known him all his life. He was practically family.

And also because Tool Shed wanted a distraction from his own problems. He couldn't deny he was a little bit selfish.

"We want to help," said Human Kite. "We're superheroes. It's what we do."

Ned perked up slightly at that. He eyed Tool Shed and Human Kite for a long, uncomfortable moment. Then, he said, "the whole town thinks you kids harassed that old lady, with two other jokes in costumes."

"We-we didn't," said Tool Shed quickly. "Look, why are you and Jimbo fighting with each other? What happened?"

Ned looked thoughtful. He sighed. It was a wretched sounding noise. "I don't even remember."

Tool Shed and Human Kite looked at each other, both confused and slightly annoyed. Tool Shed thought adults were fucking stupid. 

"Dude, then why are you still mad at him?" asked Human Kite.

"Because I feel I should be," said Ned. "Don't you force yourself to feel a certain way, because you think that's how you should be feeling?"

He meant it as a general question, but Tool Shed couldn't help but  if he was talking to him. Tool Shed swallowed. Suddenly, he felt pinned underneath Ned's gaze.

"Well, why don't you let yourself feel how you really feel?" suggested Human Kite. "I mean..." he glanced at Tool Shed, and then look away. "Is that so hard?"

Is it?

Does it have to be?

Tool Shed didn't know. He was confused.

Ned frowned. He was silent for a moment. He took a swig of his beer. He then said, "maybe you are right, young superhero."

Human Kite brightened. "You think so?"

"You are quite wise," said Ned. He finished his beer in a big gulp. "You have potential, little superhero."

Human Kite was positively beaming. Tool Shed thought, and not for the first time, that Human Kite's smile had a way of lighting up a whole room.

"Besides, huntin' and drinkin' is boring without Jimbo, anyway." He stood up from the couch and declared, "I'm going to go talk to Jimbo, right now!"

Easy mission.

Except Tool Shed felt as if it wasn't. 

Tool Shed and Human Kite silently left Ned's house while he changed to get ready to see Jimbo.

As the two were walking back to The Raccoon's, Human Kite laughed.

"What is it?" asked Tool Shed.

"They're totally gay, dude," said Human Kite. 

aren't you totally gay? Tool Shed wanted to joke, but for some reason words weren't working. His throat felt tight. He found it hard to breathe. He didn't understand what was happening.

"They definitely have some sort of thing for each other. Calling it right now. I hope they find the courage to tell each other." Human Kite muttered the last part under his breath.

Well, why don't you let yourself feel how you really feel?

Was Tool Shed doing the same as his uncle Jimbo, and Ned? Was he also not letting himself feel what he really felt?

Tool Shed stopped in the middle of the side walk. Human Kite noticed immediately.

"Dude, you okay?"

A few people walked past the two of them. The sun was shining on Human Kite's face. Tool Shed could make out the sounds of birds nearby.

"Stan?" 

He had said his name. Not Tool Shed. Stan.

Tool Shed had to know. He would hate himself for this later, but he didn't want this weird feeling squirming in his chest any more. He just wanted to know.

Tool Shed kissed him.

And then he knew.

"Aw!" a young, feminine voice cooed, forcing Tool Shed back to reality.

Tool Shed leaped away from his best friend. Human Kite was red in the face. 

A couple of people stood by, all gaping happily at the two of them. One girl in pigtails even had her phone out. Tool Shed swallowed thickly.

Human Kite muttered, "well. I guess there's our publicity."

Human Kite sounded a little disappointed. No doubt he thought Tool Shed kissed him just so that other people would see them. Tool Shed didn’t have the nerves to correct him.

"Heh. Yeah." Tool Shed laughed nervously in response, while internally he was panicking. He wanted to scream

He was in love with his best friend, of all people.

He was totally fucked.

Chapter Text

So, Kyle had a slight problem.

Stan, his best friend, has apparently developed a sort of habit of kissing him. He's done it twice now. 

Kyle didn't dislike kissing Stan.

More so the opposite, in fact. 

But it was confusing. And annoying. And totally fucking unfair. Who does Stan think he is? Kyle knew they agreed that kissing was okay for the sake of their fake heroic love story, but he couldn't give some sort of warning first before smacking lips?

Kyle groaned and banged his head against his pillow repeatedly. It was near two in the morning. He has not got a minute of rest.

It gets worse.

Not only did Stan kiss Kyle (or more like Tool Shed kiss Human Kite, but Kyle was way too worked up to care about their superhero game at the moment), it was all over the internet.

Instagram posts, YouTube videos, Twitter threads, even reddit theories. 

Kyle has been resisting the urge to check his phone for the last hour. He knew he shouldn't give it so much attention, but he couldn't help doing so.

"Why are all my first kisses disasters?" Kyle complained to himself.

His first kiss was technically that homeschooled girl Rebecca, he kissed her last year. He squirmed in embarrassment at the memory. That was before he realized he didn't really like kissing girls. Or girls. 

And now Stan was kissing him.

And now he would keep kissing him. No way Cartman won't keep pushing it after all the internet attention they've gotten from it. 

And Stan wasn't kissing him because he wanted to. It was all just a game to him. 

And that was the worst of it.

Having the internet rage about you was annoying, sure. But Kyle didn't care nearly as much about that as he did about stupid, fucking Stan.

"That asshole," Kyle whispered angrily. "That damn, stupid asshole!"

Kyle liked Stan. 

A lot.

And Kyle liked when Stan kissed him. Also a lot. And he wished he didn't. He wished it was all just a game to him, too. But it wasn't. 

Tired of feeling sorry for himself, Kyle turned to his side and closed his eyes, finding mere comfort in the deafening silence that surrounded him. Eventually, the exhaustion from his own misery lulled him to sleep.

OMG_KATZ posted

Have u guys seen this??!!

GirlFromHeaven replied

THEYRE SO CUTE RIGHT

OMG_KATZ replied to @GirlFromHeaven

THE LOOK ON THE OTHER BOYS FACE? Me and who fr?

TheRaccoon's#1Fan replied to @OMG_KATZ and GirlFromHeaven 

I hear they're a part of Raccoon and Friends.

Cartman was laughing at his phone as he scrolled through countless of posts, all with the same damned picture attached. "This is so awesome you guys!"

"Hardly," grumbled Kyle. 

"I love everything about this, thank you, Lord," said Cartman dramatically. He sat his phone down on his bed beside him, staring at Kyle and Kenny with a smug face that Kyle wanted to sucker punch so badly. "This is the publicity we needed you guys!"

Kyle snapped, "I didn't want to be posted all over the internet!"

Cartman rolled his eyes and scoffed, "Kyle, please remove that stick from your vagina and not think about yourself for one second I am so seriously."

Kyle's face was hot. From anger or embarrassment, he didn't care. He lunged at Cartman, grabbing his shirt and yelling in his face, "there's no stick up my vagina!"

"You don't have a-" Kenny started, before realizing he was better off keeping his mouth shut. He sighed. "Never mind."

"Kyle, think for a second!" Cartman stammered nervously as he tried reasoning with him.

Kyle's grip on Cartman's shirt tightened. He waited impatiently to hear whatever pathetic, dumbass words were about to leave Cartman's mouth.

"I know you don't want everyone seeing you being all gay and making out with Tool Shed-"

Kyle's look on his face made Cartman quickly add a, "but, people love you two! And we can use that to make ourselves popular! And then we can make superhero movies!"

"You're trying to exploit me?!" Kyle shouted. "You asshole!"

Cartman said, "Kyle, how is this any different from Hollywood? Major TV shows exploit gay people all the time what's the big deal?"

Kyle had enough of this. He let go of Cartman. Cartman let out a loud sigh of relief. That annoyed Kyle to no end but he ignored it and headed for Cartman's bedroom door.

Cartman asked, "uh, where are you going?"

Kyle grumbled, "home."

"But this is a superhero meeting," said Cartman. "We all need to be here."

"Well, Stan's not here," Kyle pointed out bitterly. Just saying Stan's name out loud made his stomach ache uncomfortably. "If he gets to act like a total asshole, then I'm going to start acting like an asshole too. Fuck Stan!"

Kenny laughed at that. 

Kyle left Cartman's room, closing the door behind him. He briefly heard Cartman say, "the fuck he means start acting like an asshole? He already is one," right before the door shut completely.

Kyle marched downstairs, sulking. He can't remember the last time he was so unhappy. Miss Cartman was in the living room, watching the news. She didn't even notice him.

Kyle glanced at the television. What he saw made his heart stop in shock for a brief moment. 

On the television screen was that fucking picture. The news reporter was saying, "the little heroes who were suspected to be two of the children a part of harassing an elderly lady, are actually just really, really gay. Now, back to you Tom."

Kyle didn't want to hear any more. He went home,  where his parents were waiting for him in the living room. They both looked concerned.

"Mom? Dad?" Kyle questioned nervously.

Kyle didn't know what was going on. He tried to remember what he might have done to make his parents angry with him. He couldn't recall a single thing. The last thing Kyle wanted was to be in trouble with his mom and dad.

"You've been acting... differently, bubba," said his mom. She looked at Gerald. "We were wondering... did something happen?"

Kyle took it back. He would much rather be in trouble with his parents. 

"No," he responded insistently. "I'm fine. I actually have a lot of homework to catch up on, so... I'm going to," he shuffled past his parents and rushed past them. "Do that, now."

Kyle could feel his parents gaze burning into the back of his neck as he rushed up the stairs. 

As soon as he entered his room he shut the door and locked it. He sat down on the floor, staring at the details of his carpet. It felt like he was suffocating in his own emotions. He didn't let himself cry.

Kyle wanted to be mad at Stan forever. He wanted to blame his best friend for all of this. But he couldn't. 

This wasn't Stan's fault.

It was his.

Kyle was the one who was stupid enough to let himself catch pathetic feelings for his best friend, not Stan.

He agreed to Cartman's stupid idea.

He's the one who told Stan it was okay if they kissed, for the stupid story.

If anyone was at fault, it was him. Kyle had no one to blame for the way he was feeling but himself. And not having someone else to blame made him feel even worse.

Kyle stayed in his room for the rest of the day.

BasketArts posted

I think those kids live in my town! 

Beeyourself replied

You're JOKING right?

CallGirl replied to @BasketArts and @Beeyourself

I believe I know those kids. And the two other kids a part of their team. I will seek them out immediately.

Kyle was too tired to pay any attention to Mr. Garrison during class. The only thing he could focus on was a burning pair of eyes on him. For some strange reason, Wendy continued looking at him.

She probably saw the kiss. It was the only thing social media cared about at this point. She probably knew it was him and Stan. He wouldn't be surprised if she could see through their superhero disguises. He had to admit, the costumes were kinda totally lame.

But why was Wendy staring him down? He didn't do anything!

Then Kyle realized: maybe Wendy was jealous. He did kiss her ex-boyfriend. Or, more like, her ex-boyfriend kissed him. 

But Wendy was over Stan, wasn't she?

"Kyle!" Mr. Garrison snapped, forcing Kyle out of his conflicting thoughts. "Are you sleeping in my class?"

Kyle realized he had, at some point, rested his head against his desk and closed his eyes. Oops. "Um, no?"

Mr. Garrison was now standing in front of Kyle's desk, glaring at him with his hands on his hips. Kyle was annoyed. Now he was going to get in trouble. Great. 

Then, Mr. Garrison's expression softened. Which was extremely out of character of him.

He said gently, voice as smooth as honey, "you look so tired. Is something going on at home, Kyle? Is your out-of-state uncle forcing you to dress up as a girl and dance in front of all of your relatives?"

Kyle blinked. "Huh?"

Mr. Garrison's expression saddened. Kyle leaned back in his chair, as far away from his teacher as possible. This was getting fucking weird. A few other kids looked confused as well.

"Maybe he beats you with a wooden spatula once or twice," Mr. Garrison said, obviously no longer talking about Kyle. It looked like he was staring off into space. "But you don't tell your lovely mother and your hateful father, because you kind of enjoy it?"

"Dude," Kyle said. "This is pretty fucked up, right here."

Mr. Garrison patted Kyle on the shoulder. He said to Kyle, "I understand exactly what you are feeling, child."

"I don't think you do," grumbled Kyle. He shook Mr. Garrison's hand off his shoulder.

"Oh, sure I do," Mr. Garrison said. He looked like his old self again. "You're upset because your pansy ass best friend kissed your pansy ass self."

Kyle's face began to burn. "I-"

Mr. Garrison didn't stop. "And that's why that little gay ass fucker isn't here! He's not here because of you, Kyle." He turned away from Kyle and marched back to his desk, furiously. "So if you don't get him back in class I'm going to fail you for the rest of the year!"

Kyle heard Cartman mutter to Tolkien, "what do you think is up his ass?"

"Leave me alone," Tolkien replied impatiently.

Cartman laughed, effectively ignoring Tolkien. "He probably shoves all sorts of things up his ass."

Kyle groaned and stared at his desk. It wasn't his fault that Stan has been ignoring his texts and avoiding him. It wasn't his fault Stan decided to not come to school 

Stan kissed him.

Stan is the one choosing to avoid everyone and not go to school. Not Kyle.

Kyle made a decision. After school, he was going to go to Stan's house. And he was going to talk to Stan, whether Stan liked it or not.

Unbeknownst to Kyle, however, Wendy had other ideas.

After class, Wendy confronted Kyle in the school halls. "Can I talk to you?"

Kyle swallowed awkwardly. He couldn't remember the last time he talked to Wendy alone, if ever. He wasn't too big on the idea of being all buddy-buddy with his best friend/secretish crush's ex-girlfriend.

"Um. What?" he asked stupidly.

Wendy glanced at all the kids surrounding them. She leaned closer to Kyle, and she whispered secretly, "alone."

"Huh?"

Wendy grabbed Kyle's arm. Before he could protest, she dragged him away from the halls and towards the school library. No one was ever by the school library.

"I know," she said as she let go of Kyle's arm.

Kyle frowned. That was very vague. It could mean a lot of things. "Um? Know what?"

"About you and Tool Shed," said Wendy. And that definitely got Kyle's heart racing. "I know about The Raccoon and Mysterion, too. Who I figure is Cartman and Kenny."

"Uh," Kyle tried.

Wendy didn't let him speak. Instead she raised her voice over his, making damn sure that he heard her. "I think we can be of use to each other."

That was the last thing Kyle had expected her to say. He blinked once, twice. "Huh?" he said again, confused.

"My name, my superhero name, is Call Girl," said Wendy, lowering her voice.

"Call Girl?"

Kyle liked Wendy. He really did. She was smart, and strong-willed. But, with a name such as Call Girl, she was obviously not very creative. He hoped he didn't look as judgemental as he felt. He knew if Cartman found out about this, he would laugh his ass off.

"It's nice to have allies," said Wendy, before turning away. "And I hope that's what you and I can be, Human Kite."

She left him standing alone by the school library, confused. 

"Dude," he said to no one but himself. "What the fuck just happened?"

Kyle knew he was wasting his time. He texted Stan during lunch anyway.

Kyle: your ex-girlfriend is INSANE dude.

No response. Kyle kept looking at his notifications instead of eating. Usually Stan always answered when it was about Wendy. 

Kyle bit his lip nervously. If Stan wasn't going to read his texts, then...

Kyle: you've been annoying me, you know that? With all your stupid kissing. It's confusing as fuck dude.

He stared at the text. No response, of course. He felt a little stupid. Maybe he shouldn't have sent that. Too late now.

Typing a bit furiously on his phone, Kyle sent him another text. And then two more after that one. Once he started, he couldn't stop. 

Kyle: You're the one who chose to kiss me. And now you get to choose to ignore me too? Real mature, Stan.

And,

Kyle: I didn't even mind it. I liked it. But because of you we're all over the internet, it's fucking weird, and I have to deal with that all by myself. How is that fair?

And then,

Kyle: I hate how you make me feel.

Cartman had leaned over his shoulder as he sent his last text. He snorted, "wow! Going through a rough break up, Kyle?"

Kyle wasn't in the mood for Cartman. He elbowed him sharply in the side. Cartman winced and scooted away.

"Don't read my texts you fucking fatass," he grumbled, with no real bite to it. He felt too mentally exhausted to pick a fight with Cartman today.

"What's up your ass? Jesus," said Cartman.

Kyle ignored him. He stared at his screen, hopelessly waiting for a response he knew he would never get.

He sighed silently. 

He was mad at Stan.

He was mad at Stan for kissing him. He was mad at Stan for making him feel this way. Most importantly, he was mad at Stan for getting to hide. 

Kyle didn't get to hide. He got to be miserable and at school. He was miserable because of Stan's choices, and Stan thought he had the right to ignore him?

Kyle hated Stan.

And he hated just how far from the truth that really was.

His friends started a lively conversation. Kyle didn't join in. While his friends talked and laughed and ate their lunch, Kyle's lunch went cold and untouched, and he stared at his phone in silence, yearning.

Raccoon and Friends got what they have been wanting all along. Publicity. Fame. Fans. And while Cartman and Kenny were beyond happy because of this, Kyle has never felt worse.

Chapter Text

So, Stan had a slight problem.

Stan couldn't keep his mother convinced he was sick for much longer. Stan already missed a day of school. Then, after school when Kyle came to see him, Stan told her to tell him to go away, because he was sick. 

Then, the next day, Stan told his mom he was still sick. He faked a cough to emphasis his point. His mom didn't look so sure.

"Are you sure?" asked Sharon.

"Very sure!" confirmed Stan, momentarily forgetting he was supposed to be too sick to go to school. He added a few extra coughs for good measure.

Sharon sighed. She knealed in front of him, putting her hand against his forehead.

Stan tried to bat her hands away. "Mom!" he complained. "Your hands are too cold!"

"You don't feel warm," informed Sharon. She sounded relieved. And a tad bit annoyed. "Are you sure you're not making this up?"

"No!" insisted Stan. He felt a little guilty about lying to his mother. But definitely not guilty enough to confess the truth and be forced to go to school.

Sharon shook her head. "You do not have a fever. Just a little cough. I think you are well enough to go to school."

"No-" Stan began to protest.

"You are going to school, Stanley," Sharon said firmly. That was the end of the discussion. 

Sharon left Stan in the hallway, feeling miserable for himself. Shelly, who very likely heard the whole thing, popped out of her room to make Stan feel even worse.

"You weren't ever really sick," accused Shelly.

Stan couldn't find it in him to protest. Shelly was right. He wasn't really sick yesterday. He just didn't want to go to school. And he definitely didn't want to see Kyle.

"You're avoiding your friend, turd," said Shelly, her arms crossed.

"I'm not!" said Stan defensively.

Shelly pulled out her phone from her pocket. She shoved her phone in Stan's face. Stan inched away, irritated. "Shelly, get your phone out of my face!" His heart stopped when he saw the image on Shelly's phone screen. 

It was Tool Shed and Human Kite. Kissing. 

His heart started beating again. His heart started beating very fast. 

He briefly recalled someone taking a picture. He didn't think it would be posted online. But of course it fucking was. That was just his luck. Who knew how many of his classmates saw it by now.

"Um," Stan swallowed thickly. "So?"

"That's you in your stupid little costume," said Shelly.

"It isn't," Stan tried helplessly. 

"I've seen you wear it multiple times," Shelly pointed out.

Stan knew she had. He sighed. He felt like a total idiot. "So what if I kissed Kyle?" Stan demanded angrily. "Is that a problem?"

"Not to me," said Shelly, sounding genuinely angry. But she was always angry. "But it might have been a problem for Kyle."

"What do you mean?" asked Stan, feeling slightly uncomfortable. 

Shelly rolled her eyes. "You kissed him. And then you ignored him."

Stan's face burned with shame.

"He's probably really, really mad at you," added Shelly, which made Stan feel even worse.

Was she right?

Was Kyle mad at him?

If it had been reversed, and Kyle kissed Stan and then ignored him, would Stan be mad at Kyle?

Stan didn't need long to think about it before deciding, yes. He would be mad about it. Damn it. He was obviously just a really shitty best friend. He wouldn't blame Kyle if he hated him now.

"Don't look so sad you stupid turd," Shelly suddenly said. Her annoyed tone snapped Stan out of his thoughts. "Just go and talk to him. It's not that hard."

"Er..."

"It's not that hard," repeated Shelly fiercely. Her hands tightened into fists. 

Stan shrank away, startled. He held his hands up as if he was surrendering. In a way, he kind of was. "Okay! Okay!" Stan agreed quickly. "You are right. I'll um. Talk to him."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"And you're going to school," Shelly added.

Stan frowned. He really didn't want to go to school today. He gave Shelly what he hoped was really convincing puppy dog eyes and he said, "I was kind of hoping you'd help me convince mom that I am sick."

"If you don't deal with your own problems and stop pitying yourself I will knock your teeth in!" Shelly threatened him. 

"Okay!" Stan backed away from her. "I'll go to school. Christ."

So, Stan waited at the bus stop, with Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny. Cartman and Kenny were arguing because Cartman wanted to use Kenny's Gameboy and Kenny wasn't letting him. Stan hasn't said a word. Neither has Kyle.

When the bus arrived Stan felt both relieved and anxious. He knew if he didn't sit down next to Kyle, Kyle would be even more angry at Stan. But he also didn't want to be that close to Kyle after he... after that mistake. 

Stan sucked in a deep breath and followed his three friends onto the bus. Kenny immediately sat with Butters. Cartman sat in the back by himself, but there was no way Stan was sitting with him. Kyle sat by himself and gestured Stan to sit with him. One of the only other free seats was sitting with Wendy. Stan weighed his options.

Pissed off Kyle.

Or suffering the awkwardness.

Pissed of Kyle.

Suffering the awkwardness.

Stan chose life over death and sat down next to Kyle. 

"Hi," said Kyle as soon as Stan sat down.

He sounded so happy it almost knocked the winds out of him. Why was he so happy to see him, after everything he's done? Isn't he pissed at him?

"Um. Hi."

"I missed you," said Kyle.

Stan didn't know how to respond to that. How could he respond? 'thanks my platonic best friend who I just recently found put I'm in love with, I missed you as well during the time I actively ignored your texts snd didn't come to school just so I didn't have to see you!' He'd sound like a total asshole.

"Okay."

Stan mentally slapped himself. That was even worse. 

Kyle frowned and looked away. Great. Now Stan felt like he deserved the biggest douche in the universe reward. 

Kyle was pretty dismissive of him during school. Stan knew he deserved it, but he still felt bitter about it.

Kyle was mad that Stan wasn't talking to him. Now Stan was trying to talk to him, and he decided to give him silent treatment? 

Kyle needed to make up his mind. Did he want to talk to Stan or not? 

During lunch, the four boys sat together at a table far from everyone else. Kyle sat beside Stan, but left a noticeably wide gap between them. Stan felt irritation prick at his skin. Kyle never cared about the closeness between them before. But now he cared? 

"So, what are we going to do about that slut who thinks she can be a superhero?" asked Cartman in all seriousness.

Stan blinked. "Huh?"

"What can we do?" Kyle added, ignoring Stan's confusion. "She said she is an ally. That's a good thing, right?"

"We can always use more allies," said Kenny, agreeing with Kyle. "Especially if someone at this school is really an evil bitch."

Stan looked at Kyle. He nudged him. "Dude. What are you guys talking about?"

Kyle didn't answer him. Kyle didn't even acknowledge him. He wouldn't say anything to him, he wouldn't look at him, it made Stan really annoyed. 

Cartman answered Stan instead of Kyle. "Your bitchy ex-girlfriend Wendy is trying to play superhero."

"Wh-what? Wendy?" Stan sputtered. 

What was Wendy doing running around town as a superhero? 

"She goes by Call Girl," Kyle added. He still wouldn't look at Stan.

Kenny laughed at the name.

Cartman sighed dramatically, "try to be mature for one second, Kenny, honestly. Grow up."

"So, Wendy is a superhero who goes by the name Call Girl. And she wants to be our ally. Why do we have to do something about it?" Stan asked. His question was met with blank stares from Cartman and Kenny.

"Because she's a fucking chick!" said Cartman. "That's why!"

"So what?" Stan countered back. He couldn't care less that Wendy was playing superhero. It didn't make any difference to him. "Girls can be superheroes."

"Name one girl superhero," said Cartman.

Stan answered, "Wonder Woman."

"She's just a Superman rip-off!" Cartman argued back. "Every girl superhero movie totally sucks ass!"

Kyle suddenly snapped, "would you two get over yourselves?"

Stan slightly  jumped, startled by Kyle's sudden outburst. 

"So what if Wendy is a superhero now? I like Wendy! I like that she's our ally!"

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Just because she sought you out specifically all the sudden you two are best friends now?"

"Fuck you, Cartman."

Stan felt an uncomfortable tug in his gut. It was strong. The tug pulled and pulled until it felt as if his stomach was tightened into a knot.

Stan recognized that he felt jealous. Which was confusing the hell out of him. Was he jealous of Kyle, or was he jealous of Wendy? 

Kyle suddenly stood up. He began walking away from their table without saying a word. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny stared in confusion. 

"Where are you going?" asked Cartman.

"I'm not in the mood to deal with your bullshit, today," said Kyle. He looked back over his shoulder, looking directly at Stan as he added, "I'm really not."

Oh.

So Kyle was mad at Stan.

"Uh oh!" laughed Cartman as Kyle walked away. "Had a bad break up, you two? Heh."

Stan's face burned with both embarrassment and shame. He flipped Cartman off. That only made Cartman laugh harder.

"Dude! He's so pissed off at you! This is the best thing ever!"

"I agree," said Kenny. He quickly corrected himself. "I mean, I agree that he seems really mad at you. What did you do?"

"Kiss him," Cartman snorted. 

Stan's stomach turned. The last person he ever wanted to talk about that with is Cartman. He swallowed thickly, "it was for the romantic subplot, and the-the publicity. Which was your idea in the first place!" he protested defensively.

"Tell that to Kyle," said Cartman, still laughing about the whole thing.

Stan frowned. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well. Obviously he's so gay for you," said Cartman. "Everyone knows it."

"Oh, fuck off, Cartman," Stan said impatiently.

"But he said-" Cartman began. Kenny quickly covered Cartman's mouth with his hand. The look Kenny gave Cartman was murderous.

Keeping Cartman's mouth securely covered, Kenny said to Stan, "go talk to him. He's probably hiding in the library."

Stan didn't want to talk to Kyle. He certainly didn't want to be alone with Kyle, either. Just the thought made him anxious. 

Kenny said, "that wasn't a suggestion, Stan."

"Oh." Stan said. Awkwardly, he stood up. "Er. Right. I guess I'll just. Go. Talk to Kyle. Okay, um. Bye!"

Kenny was right. Stan found Kyle in the library, sitting by himself with a book in hand. He wasn't actually reading. Stan knew this because the book Kyle held in his hands was upside down.

Stan stood in front of him. Kyle didn't look up from the book. He looked angry. And sad. It was weird how Kyle could look both sad and angry at the same time. 

"Hi." Stan said.

Finally, Kyle looked up at him. He didn't look happy to see him. 

"Um. You've been kind of..." Stan thought of the best word. "Ignoring me." As soon as the words left his mouth he cringed. That was definitely an asshole thing to say. Fuck. 

Kyle grumbled, "oh, have I, Stan?"

"You have," Stan said.

"Have not."

"Have to!"

"Have not."

"Shh!" hissed some nerdy boy from a few feet away from him. "Shut up!"

"Sorry," both Stan and Kyle muttered at the same time.

Kyle looked away, displeased. "You've been ignoring me a lot, too."

"Sorry."

"Yeah. Me too."

And that hurt. It hurt a lot. Stan tried to tell himself Kyle was in the right, and that he has been a dick friend to him, but still. He's been so confused lately. Surely Kyle could try to understand him as well? 

"I didn't want to ignore you," Stan said quietly. "Honest."

"Doesn't feel like it," said Kyle stubbornly.

Stan knew his best friend better than anyone. He wasn't as mad as he seemed. He was just a stubborn little asshole who liked to hold a grudge.

"I..." Stan remembered there were a few kids at the library. He lowered his voice significantly. "I only kissed you for the publicity. And well, it worked."

Liar. He thought guiltily.

He didn't give a damn about publicity, or Cartman stupid side plot, or even their superhero personas. He kissed Kyle because he wanted to. That's it. The only reason. There was nothing else to it but gay panic. 

"Okay." Kyle grumbled, glaring at his book. He was pouting. He was still upset. "I knew that. I kinda figured."

Was he disappointed? Stan thought, a fluttery feeling igniting in his stomach, in his chest, making him feel light on his feet. Did he want to kiss me too?

No.

Stan couldn't let himself think like that. He couldn't let himself get hopeful. He had to be more careful. One wrong move and he'd certainly ruin his friendship for sure. 

"But you didn't answer my texts," Kyle reminded him.

"I was sick," Stan said.

More lies.

He was a terrible friend.

"And you are acting weird," Kyle added.

"Post-sickness slump," Stan countered, feeling more guilty with each lie.

"Are you sure?" Kyle asked. He didn't sound convinced. "Are you really sure?"

"Very." Stan said, feeling like a terrible person. 

Kyle didn't argue. Instead, he gave Stan the faintest of smiles and said in a painfully soft voice, "okay."

Stan, to put it simply, was fucked. 

Kenny felt awesome.

Sure, his two best friends were fighting. Sure, his friend Cartman couldn't give two shits and only found the conflict between the young heroes amusing. And sure, his parents were currently having a big fight.

But Kenny kissed Butters a few days ago. So as far as he was concerned, he was in his prime time. It was great to be him!

Kenny found Butters during recess playing on the jungle gym.

"Hi, Butters!"

As soon as Butters noticed him, he smiled. It was one of his big smiles that showed all his teeth. It was adorable. "Oh! Hi, Kenny!"

Butters didn't know it was Kenny who kissed him. But he still kissed him. So he didn't let that minor detail crush his spirits.

Butters would know one day.

Just not today.

And preferably not tomorrow.

Or any time soon, actually. 

But one day, he'd know. One day Kenny would have the courage to kiss Butters and tell him exactly how he felt about him, without hiding behind a mask. 

"Where's everyone else?" Butters asked, jumping off the jungle gym to talk to Kenny.

"Huh?" asked Kenny stupidly. 

"Stan, Kyle, Eric?"

Kenny shrugged. He didn't know what his friends were doing. He also didn't care. "I didn't want to talk to them. I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh." Butters said. 

Was Kenny imagining things, or was Butters a little red in the face?

"You are much better company anyway," Kenny said, testing the waters.

No, yeah. He definitely wasn't imagining it. The red that dusted Butters face darkened. "I-I see," Butters squeaked.

Yes, Kenny decided. It was definitely awesome being him.

Butters cleared his throat awkwardly. "Want to play on my Nintendo switch?"

"Yes. Definitely."

Kenny and Butters spent all recess playing on Butters' switch together. Kenny would look at Butters, and he would let himself get caught. Each time Butters caught him staring, he flushed a pretty pink. It was great.

I will tell him, thought Kenny, his heart aching with longing. Just not yet.

Tweek: have you guys been watching the news lately? Someone's been stealing all the tape from the store!!!

Cartman:  who the FUCK let this fruitcake in?? was it fucking YOU kyle? 

Craig: dont call my bf a fruitcake you dick.

Cartman: HIM TOO??

Kyle: I didn't let Tweek and Craig in the groupchat.

Cartman: fuck u stan! 

Stan: I didn't either..

Kenny: it was me. I let them in. 

Tweek: u guys!!!! stop fighting!! someone is stealing all the tape in South Park!!! what if it's the evil at the school? what if they plan on tying us all up with tape??

Kenny: its probably just Cartman's slutty mom's boyfriend again :)

Stan: what?

Cartman removed Kenny from the groupchat.

Kyle added Kenny to the groupchat.

Stan woke up to someone tapping on his window. It was Kyle, in his superhero costume. He quickly but quietly scrambled out of bed and slid open his window, letting him in.

"Hi." Stan said.

"Hey."

An awkward silence stretched between them as they stared at each other. Stan couldn't ignore the obvious anymore. 

"Why are you here? Dude, it's probably like two in the morning."

"Actually, it's three," said Kyle sheepishly, looking away.

"And what are you in costume for?" asked Stan with a yawn. 

"I was on lookout." Kyle muttered so quietly Stan wondered if maybe he misheard him. 

Stan leaned a little closer. Kyle's gaze snapped towards him. His eyes were wide with shock and uncertainty, and his face was a little flushed. "I-"

"What did you say?" asked Stan in a whisper. He didn't want to wake up his parents. Or worse. His sister.

"I-I was on lookout?" Kyle stammered, looking anywhere but at Syan. 

He was nervous, Stan realized, his heart hammering in his chest. What on earth did Kyle have to be nervous for?

"Lookout for what?" Stan asked. Then, he made a face. "Dude. Don't tell me you were watching me sleep."

"No!" Kyle protested loudly. A little too loudly in Stan's opinion. "I was watching the neighborhood for the tape villain, Stan! The fuck do you think I am? Fucking, Edward Cullen-wh-"

Stan covered Kyle's mouth with his hands. If he let Kyle keep on shouting his parents would wake up for sure.

Stan felt a little embarrassed feeling Kyle's mouth against his hands. Trying to focus on literally anything else, he said to Kyle, "Dude if you wake my parents up they are going to get so mad at me."

Kyle nodded slightly. Stan sighed and removed his hands.

It only then occurred to him other ways he could have shut Kyle up...

Stop it. Stan thought fiercely, a flutter in his chest. There's no reason to kiss him.

But oh, did Stan want to...

"Stan?" asked Kyle quietly. 

He was close. Really close. And maybe Stan was imagining it, bit it looked like Kyle was shifting even closer.

And Stan missed him.

He had missed him so much.

Stan couldn't control his urges. He leaned closer, slow, giving his best friend a chance to back away, if he wanted. Kyle didn't. He remained still. Stan quickly kissed him.

Kyle wasted no time kissing Stan back. Stan realized just how much of a clumsy kisser Kyle was, compared to Wendy. He also realized he didn't really care. 

I really do like him a lot.

Kyle breathed, "what was that?" 

He was still mere inches away from Stan, as if he didn't have it in him to pull away completely. 

"A thank you," Stan whispered. "For watching over me."

Kyle blushed. "I-"

"And we are boyfriends now. So I guess we should probably kiss a lot more, too."

"What?" Kyle sputtered. 

"Fake boyfriends," Stan winked. As fun as it was to tease Kyle, the words hurt a little.

"R-right," Kyle agreed, looking away.

"Now. I'm tired." Stan reminded him. "So I'm going to go back to bed. Please no more spying on me, okay?"

"I wasn't spying!"

Stan broke into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, his parents be damned. Kyle was really cute when he was riled up.

Oh man, he thought as he slowly began to breathe again, his stomach aching. 

Kyle was glaring at him, pouting and red in the face. 

I really do like him.

Chapter Text

Stan woke up to his mom pounding on his bedroom door. “Stanley! Wake up! One of your little friends is here to see you!”

Stan groaned and checked the alarm clock on the table by his bed. It was only six o’clock. On a Saturday. Who the fuck wanted to see him at this hour?

Purely exhausted, Stan got out of bed and opened the door. Sharon looked pissed off. Her arms were crossed. “And you tell that boy to text you next time. Woke up the whole house.”

“Okay,” Stan grumbled. Then he thought, what if it was Kyle?

Suddenly feeling very awake, Stan rushed down the stairs and to the front door. His heart was pounding in his ears. He felt silly. He felt thrilled. He felt very cheesily in love. He opened the front door, and on his porch stood Butters, looking somewhat sheepish.

“Butters?” disappointment crashed over Stan. “The fuck are you doing here? It’s six am. My parents are pissed off.”

“Hiya, Stan!” Butters said happily. “Well, I guess I was just wondering if you wanted to come to my birthday party tomorrow.”

“And you couldn’t text me that?” Stan groaned, annoyed.

Butters frowned. “Oh, well. I’m awfully sorry I disturbed you.”

“Disturbed? Jesus, Butters, you woke my parents up!”

Butters didn’t seem to care. He asked Stan, “do you mind if I come inside really quick? I need to use the bathroom awfully bad, and well, I’m worried if I don’t go right now I’ll go on myself before I can get home. Lots of other kids I have to ask to my birthday party, you see–”

Stan didn’t care, he just wanted Butters to stop talking before he fucking lost his mind. “Fine, whatever. Just be quick. And lock the door when you leave. I’m going back to bed.”

“Will do, Stan!”

Stan marched back upstairs while Butters went to use the bathroom. Sharon was waiting by his door, looking crossed. “Well?”

“He’ll leave once he uses the bathroom,” Stan yawned. “Sorry.”

“I don’t want this to happen again, Stan. Maybe your little friends are getting too comfortable here. You’re with them all the time.”

“Not Butters,” said Stan defensively. Why did his mom care so much he spent so much time with his friends? At least his friends weren’t totally lame like his parents. “I don’t really give a rat's ass about him, mom. He just wants me to go to his birthday party tomorrow.”

Before his mom could argue with him further, Stan went into his room and closed the door behind him. He was tired. And he was angry. Angry at Butters for waking him up. And angry at his mom for being mad at him for what Butters did.

And why did Butters come so early, anyway?

As soon as Stan got into bed he quickly forgot about Butters and his mom and soon fell back asleep. He dreamed about Kyle. But that wasn’t unusual, not anymore. Most of his dreams were about Kyle.

Stan met up with Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman at Kyle’s house to discuss the Wendy Problem. Cartman was still arguing that girls couldn’t be superheroes. Kyle was saying they needed all the allies they could get. Kenny wasn’t taking any sides. He found this argument hilarious.

“What is her superpower?” Cartman asked. “Call Girl? Seriously? The fuck kind of superhero name is Call Girl?”

“What’s your superpower?” Stan argued.

“Raccoon! Obviously!” Cartman said.

“That’s not really specific,” Kyle pointed out. “I mean, is your superpower rampaging through garbage bins?”

Kenny laughed at that.

“Shut the fuck up, Kyle!” Cartman snapped. “You’re too busy kissing Wendy’s ass for no good reason to get what’s actually going on!”

“And what’s going on?” asked Kyle, rolling his eyes. “Enlighten me, lordship.”

Cartman ignored Kyle’s jibe. “The woke agenda!”

Stan couldn’t help but chuckle at that. The woke agenda? Seriously? Cartman was always on about something stupid or ridiculous. Cartman flashed Stan a look of outrage. He pointed at him accusingly. “You laugh now, asshole, but just you wait.”

“What does this have to do with Wendy?” asked Kyle impatiently.

“First Tweek and Craig steal our idea and now Wendy? The gay kids and the girls are trying to take our brand, Kyle!”

“But what about Clyde?” asked Kyle. “Where does he fit in the woke agenda bullshit?”

“He’s rich!”

Kenny’s phone started to ring. Cartman and Kyle stopped arguing, much to Stan’s relief. As amusing as their fights were sometimes, other times it got super annoying. Kenny answered his phone.

“Hello?” he asked, in Mysterion’s voice. That meant it was a number he didn’t recognize. Someone called the number from the Raccoon and Friends posters, not his parents.

“Oh, I see. Okay. I will talk to my team about it. Yes, thank you.” Kenny hung up. He looked troubled.

“Who was that?”

“It was Bebe’s mom,” said Kenny.

“Bebe’s mom? What the fuck does that whore want with us?” Cartman scoffed.

“Maybe she was in danger, fatass!” Kyle shot back.

Cartman snickered. “In danger because of too much dick, maybe.”

Kenny ignored both of them. “No. She said that all her tape had been stolen from her house. It looks like the tape thief is still at it. And we haven’t caught them yet.”

It’s been a few days since Tweek texted the boys about tape being stolen from grocery stores. Now tape has been stolen from people’s homes. They tried their best to theorize who the tape thief could be, or what anyone could possibly do with that much tape, but they had nothing.

“Maybe it’s like the rope thief,” Kenny said. “Like Cartman’s mom’s boyfriend. It could be like that.”

“Suck a dick, Kenny,” grumbled Cartman.

“Maybe someone just needs a lot of tape,” Stan thought lazily.

Kyle didn’t have any suggestions. 

“Kyle!” Kyle’s mom suddenly shouted from downstairs. “One of your friends is here to see you, Kyle! He says it's urgent!”

“Tell him to go away, mom!” Kyle shouted. 

“Kyle!” Sheila shouted back. “If you do not come down here this instant and be nice to your other friends then I will ground you from playing your silly little superhero game with Stan, do you hear me!”

Kyle rolled his eyes. “Be right back.”

After Kyle left, Cartman said, “maybe Kyle is the one stealing the tape.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Stan said. “Why would Kyle need that much tape?”

“To get a rise out of us!” Cartman countered. “Or he’s double crossing us! Maybe we can’t trust him. Maybe he is a traitor. Maybe he is the evil at school. I bet he stole my mask!”

“Just make a new fucking mask!”

“Kyle wouldn’t do that,” said Kenny. “What good does it do, if we start going around not trusting each other?”

Cartman gave Kenny an odd look. He dramatically scooted away from Kenny, as if Kenny was contagious. “ You’re the one who added Tweek and Craig to the group chat, even though we hardly know anything about them or their dumbass gay superpowers. How do we know we can trust you?”

“No one here is a traitor, Cartman!” Stan said, annoyed.

“That is exactly what a traitor would say…” Cartman said thoughtfully, eyeing Stan with suspicion. Stan was about to bitch slap him when Kyle entered the room.

“Who was that?” Stan asked him.

Cartman waggled his eyebrows at Stan and cooed, “why, Stan? Are you jealous Kyle has some other boyfriend to make out with?”

Stan’s stomach jumped. “Fuck off, Cartman!”

He wasn’t jealous, but he did want to know every possible thing going on in Kyle’s life. Everything about Kyle was fascinating to him. Even the boring stuff, like Kyle caring about homework. Stan didn’t care so much about those kinds of boring things about Kyle before, but now…

“It was Butters. He wanted me to come to his birthday party tomorrow,” said Kyle.

“Butters?” Cartman scoffed. “That dickhead wants you to go to his birthday party? You told him no, right?”

“Fuck you, Cartman,” Kenny glowered.

“No, I said I might go, if I’m not too busy.” Kyle said.

“You fuck hole!” Cartman protested. “You can’t hang out with Butters tomorrow, Kyle! We have real problems to deal with instead of making that gay wad happy! Like the fact some chick is trying to steal our brand!”

“I told him I might go.”

“Butters came by my house this morning,” said Stan. “At six am.”

“Jesus, what was he doing at your house at six?” asked Cartman. Then he smirked. “Did he want to makeout?”

Stan rolled his eyes. “No. Same thing. He wanted me to come to his party. I can’t remember if I told him I would or not, I was super tired, and my mom was pretty mad at me about it.”

“He hasn’t asked me if I wanted to go to his party,” Cartman huffed.

Stan was about to tell Cartman that Butters probably didn’t want him at his party, but suddenly Kenny spoke.

“He didn’t ask me, either.” Kenny said sadly.

“He just asked me,” Kyle told Kenny assuringly. “Maybe he hasn’t had the time to ask you yet.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Kenny said, though he didn’t look convinced.

Kenny was closer to Butters than anyone else at school. If Butters was asking Stan at six in the morning, why wouldn’t he have asked Kenny yet? Wouldn’t he want Kenny to be there more than anyone else?

Stan kept his thoughts to himself. It was weird, sure. But the last thing he wanted was to upset Kenny. Not when he’s been dealing with so much lately.

All things that Stan had also recently been dealing with. If figuring out he had a crush on his best friend who was also a boy was hard for Stan, he assumed it had to have been a tough realization for Kenny, too.

Or maybe not, a voice said in the back of Stan’s mind. Kenny never cared what others thought of him. Why would he care so much if he liked boys? But you care.

It was true. Stan cared a lot.

He didn’t tell Kenny about his feelings for Kyle. Kenny would understand, Stan knew he would. Stan also knew that Kenny figured he had feelings for Kyle, anyway. Kenny said so himself. Stan didn’t tell Kyle, either. Obvious reasons, of course. But he also didn’t tell Kyle that he liked boys.

It made him feel guilty, keeping it to himself. Kyle had ‘came out’ or whatever to Stan at the mall. While the trip to the mall was only about two months ago, it felt like it had been a lifetime since Kyle had told him he was gay. If Kyle could tell Stan that, why couldn’t Stan tell Kyle?

Because it’s different, he reasoned with himself. Kyle told him because they were best friends, and they told each other things. Stan didn’t tell Kyle because he didn’t just like boys, he liked Kyle specifically, and that made it weird. Kyle liked boys, but not Stan, so what did it matter if he told him? That was that. Just coming out. No feelings involved.

“Earth to fucking Stan,” Cartman snapped.

Stan was forced out of his thoughts. “Huh? What?”

“You zoned out, fuck face,” said Cartman. “What were you thinking about? Wendy and Kyle making out with each other while you watched and jerked off?”

“Ew!” Kyle shuddered. “Shut your stupid mouth, fatass!”

“What?” Cartman laughed. “Judging by Stan’s red ass face I think that was what he was thinking about!”

“No, I haven’t been thinking about Wendy,” Stan said. Cartman smirked at that and Stan quickly corrected himself. “ Or Kyle. I’m just super tired, okay? Butters did wake me up on a Saturday at six fucking am.”

Cartman rolled his eyes. “Can we forget about that bitch ass?”

Kenny grumbled something under his breath Stan didn’t catch. He didn’t say anything else. Stan frowned. He was worried about Kenny. But he wouldn’t ask Kenny if he was okay. Not in front of Cartman. He wouldn’t give Cartman the opportunity to make fun of his friend. Especially when he was obviously upset.

“We need to figure out what to do about Wendy.”

“Should we invite Craig and Tweek over?” asked Kyle.

“No!” Cartman shouted. “Kyle, the fuck part of ‘woke people trying to steal our jobs’ do you not understand?”

Kyle rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “It’s not a job, fatass. If it was, I'd be getting paid to have to deal with your stupidity all day. They’re not stealing anyone’s ideas. Maybe they were superheroes before we were.”

“Or they wanted to make better movies!” Cartman countered.

Kyle shot back, “we’re not making any stupid movies!”

Stan sighed. Their superhero meetings were always such a mess. Kyle and Cartman continued to argue back and forth. Kenny didn’t say anything. He stayed in the corner, silent and as sad as ever. Stan wanted to reach out to him. But he didn’t know how.

Kenny felt terrible.

It was almost 7 pm and Butters never asked him if he wanted to go to his birthday party. It hurt. He was more of Butters’ friend than Stan and Kyle, surely. Stan and Kyle didn’t care about Butters like he did.

It didn’t matter that Butters didn’t ask Kenny to go to his birthday party. Because Kenny decided he was going either way, no matter if Butters liked it or not.

It was 7 pm, and Stan’s parents were fighting. Stan was in his bedroom, watching some dumb teenage girl movie on his phone, when he heard his parents yelling about something being missing. Typical.

He was cutting up the volume on his phone when he got a text from Wendy. His heart almost leaped out of his chest. He hadn’t texted Wendy since they broke up. Any time he tried to talk to her at school had always been quickly shut down. So why was she reaching out now?

Wendy: I hope we are allies. I hope Kyle won’t come between us.

Stan didn’t know how to answer. Were they allies?

Stan: That depends. Can we trust u? And why would Kyle come between us?

Wendy: I don’t want to make anyone jealous. I know you have feelings for him, Tool Shed. It’s clear as day. Anyone can see it, especially someone as observant as Call Girl.

So she was making her identity known. And making it known that she knew his identity. But seeing that she knew how Stan felt about Kyle made his heart skip a beat. Then he shook his head. Right. As far as the whole school was concerned he and Kyle were dating. Because of that fake date at the mall. Clyde and Bebe probably told everyone they knew. It was hardly a secret.

Stan decided to play into it. Raccoon and Friends didn’t know if they could trust Wendy, so he shouldn’t tell her that the dating thing was a lie. What if she told others? Then Stan and Kyle wouldn’t be able to use that cover again if they ever needed to.

Stan: well me and Kyle are already dating so no worries there. Nothing to come between

There. He fixed it. No potential future cover blown. And Stan had to be honest with himself, a part of him liked the idea that his ex-girlfriend thought he and his best friend were dating. Which made him confused all over again. Was he jealous of Wendy, or of Kyle?

He didn’t know if he still had feelings for Wendy or not. Or if he ever even liked girls. He remembered liking Wendy a whole lot. She had always made him feel special, or nervous. She made him feel amazing, or terrible, all depending on what she said to him.

But now that he knew he liked Kyle, and boys, did that mean that his crush on Wendy had just been a lie this whole time?

Wendy: Oh, Stan. It’s evident your relationship is a lie.

Stan’s heart stopped when he read Wendy’s text. Shit. Shit. Wendy knew their superhero identities. Wendy knew Stan and Kyle’s fake relationship was just that, fake. If she knew all of that, then what else did she know?

Wendy: I feel bad for you, Stan. I know what it’s like to love someone, and be close to them, and think that they can’t feel the same way.

Stan frowned. He was so confused. Did Wendy know what that felt like? Did he make Wendy feel that way? Was he really that terrible of a boyfriend? Or was it possible that Wendy was talking about someone else? And if she was, who could she be talking about?

Was she talking about Kyle?

Jealousy settled heavy and cold in Stan’s stomach. It was possible that Wendy also had a crush on Kyle. She did seek him out before any of the other Raccoon and Friends. They were both very similar. They both had strong opinions, and they both weren’t scared to voice those opinions, or defend them, or even fight for them.

Then Stan felt stupid for being jealous.

Kyle said it himself. He didn’t like girls. Even if Wendy did have a crush on Kyle, he wouldn’t return the feelings. Or was it Kyle that Stan was jealous of? Because Wendy might have a crush on him instead of Stan?

Wendy: Are you still there, Tool Shed?

Right. It would look suspicious of Stan didn’t reply to Wendy’s messages. It would confirm all of her suspicions. And all of her suspicions were correct, but he couldn’t let her know that. If he confirmed any of this, then he would never hear the end of it from Cartman.

Stan: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Wendy. Me and Kyle are dating.

Wendy: I thought maybe you were. And then I saw the photo of you and Human Kite. He looks so surprised. You look so tense. Like it was a ‘heat of the moment’ situation. But even if it was, why would Human Kite, AKA Kyle, look so surprised? If you two were actually dating, surely the idea of you kissing him wouldn’t be so shocking, now, would it, Tool Shed?

Stan typed out a few words to defend himself, before realizing he had no argument. Wendy was right. There was no way that he and Kyle looked convincing. Even if people on the internet were raging about their relationship, if they thought about it long enough, they would realize everything Wendy was realizing.

He only had one thing to fall back on. 

Stan: ??? Wendy, me and Kyle aren’t Tool Shed and Human Kite, lol

It was a stupid attempt at a cover, Stan knew that for sure. But he didn’t have any other choice. Wendy didn’t believe it. He knew she didn’t. But maybe he could convince her that it was true.

Wendy: I had hoped you would trust me, Stan. But it is clear to me that you don’t. I wanted an alliance. And now I know there is no alliance to be found in Raccoon and Friends.

“Oh, shit. ”

It was 7 pm, and Sheila was barging into Kyle’s room while he was doing his homework, demanding if he had seen her tape.

“No,” said Kyle, not looking up from his math problems. “Did you ask dad?”

“I did, he’s also looking for it.”

Kyle just shrugged.

Sheila sighed. “Well, if you do find the tape, let me know? I don’t want to go out to buy more. Not when there is a shortage. Saw it on the news. Everyone’s buying up the tape, I think. Since there aren’t any.”

Someone’s stealing it, Kyle didn’t tell his mom. Someone is stealing it from the stores. Instead, Kyle said, “it will turn up eventually.”

Sheila sighed and left Kyle’s room.

Then, Kyle’s phone went off.

Kyle reached for it. It was charging on his nightstand beside his bed. He clicked his phone on. It was a text notification from Kenny. He unplugged his phone and sat up straight, opening the notification.

Kenny: hey did butters ever tell you what time his party was?

Kyle: yeah like at 3

Kenny: thx dude!!

Kyle: wait did he never ask you?

…

Kenny was typing.

Kyle waited for Kenny’s response. He was typing for almost five minutes before the dots disappeared completely. Kyle waited for them to return. They didn’t. Kenny never answered him.

Kyle: dude?? Are you good??

Kyle: sorry I shouldn’t have asked. I know you and Butters are really good friends. And if he never asked you to his birthday party I’m sure there’s a good reason! Maybe he thought he told you earlier. Or maybe he expected you to come anyway and didn’t think he needed to invite you.

Ten minutes passed. Fifteen. Eighteen. Kyle knew Kenny wasn’t going to respond to him. He felt guilty. Why did Butters ask him to go to his party, but not Kenny? Kenny was a much better friend to Butters than Kyle was. Kyle hardly hung out with Butters anymore. And never alone.

Kyle: sorry. Hope you’re okay.

Then Kyle got another text message. It was from the Raccoon and Friends group chat. He opened the notification. It was Stan. He was obviously freaking the fuck out, because there were several typos in his text.

Stan: guys dont lik get all bent out of shape abut this bt wendy knows wayyy to much guys. I mean shes on toalmost everything.

Kyle: what do you mean?

Cartman: what the FUCCK dos that bitch think she nos??

Craig: it’s knows dumbass.

Cartman: srsly who the fuk let u in hear???

Craig: it’s here*.

Stan then sent screenshots of a conversation he had with Wendy. The timestamps show that the conversation with Wendy happened when Kyle was trying to talk to Kenny. The screenshots show that Wendy knew about Stan’s superhero identity, and knew about him and Kyle fake dating.

Cartman: WTF

Stan: this is bad right??

Cartman: ITS VERY FUCKING BAD YOU DUMBASS

Craig: wow you almost got that right. It would be it’s* not its.

Tweek: SHE KNOWS. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO???? WE HAVE TO GET RID OF HER!!!!!!!

Cartman: there R lots of ways to kill someone without it being traced back to you

Stan: We’re not killing my ex gf you fucking weirdo

Craig: wait. Since when were you and Kyle ‘fake’ dating?

Cartman: for fcks sake who let you and tweek in again???

Raccoon and Friends didn’t trust Wendy. That much was clear. But even though Wendy knew too much, Kyle couldn’t help but feel like maybe she was trustworthy. If she wasn’t, why would she let Stan know that she knew all of those things?

Maybe it came off as threatening, but Kyle didn’t think so. He tried his hardest not to hate Wendy when Stan dated her. He knew his hatred towards her back then was unfair, and that he was just petty and jealous. When Stan and Wendy dated, Kyle had seen a lot more of Wendy than he had before. And over time he learned that he and Wendy had a lot in common. And when she beat up Cartman at school, Kyle knew he had undoubtful respect for her.

He refused to hate her then, so he refused to hate her now.

Wendy. A villain. A traitor. A spy. Whatever the group chat wanted to call her, it couldn’t be so black and white. Could it?

Kyle thought about it.

He had an idea.

But he would be going against Raccoon and Friends’ back. He knew that. He knew that his superhero team didn’t trust her, and that he shouldn’t, either. But it didn’t matter. He made his choice.

Kyle texted Wendy.

Kyle: Wendy, can I meet up with you tomorrow at the park?

Wendy: Kyle! What time?

Kyle: three pm.

Wendy: Can I trust you, Kyle? You seem reasonable. Much more reasonable than your other friends.

This was it. The choice that Kyle had to make. 

Kyle: you can trust me.

Wendy: maybe so. I believe that. But the rest of Raccoon and Friends?

Kyle: they don’t know about this. It will be just me. I promise. I’m trusting you here, can you trust me in return?

Wendy: of course.

Kyle would have all the time in the world to feel guilty about it tomorrow. But right now, his parents were calling him downstairs for dinner. He put his phone back on charge and tried to forget about the weird tug in his stomach.

Stan woke up to Human Kite gently tapping on his window. Stan would never get used to this. Seeing Human Kite. Just because.

But it isn’t ‘just because’ is it? Stan thought miserably. It’s all for a silly game…

And Stan was familiar with this game. He quickly got into his closet and changed into Tool Shed. Tool Shed got to be madly in love with Human Kite with zero consequences. Something that Stan envied about his superhero persona.

He slid open his window and let Human Kite in.

“Jesus, Human Kite. Don’t you ever sleep?”

“I wanted to see you,” said Human Kite, and he blushed when he said it. Tool Shed loved when his super team-mate blushed. It made his freckles more pronounced. It was adorable. Tool Shed hated it when he thought his friend was adorable. But now that he knew about his feelings for him, the cheesy thoughts just wouldn’t stop.

“I’m glad,” said Tool Shed. “I like seeing you.”

Human Kite smiled. “Me too.”

Tool Shed grabbed Human Kite’s hands. They were warm. He wanted to kiss him. That wasn’t a new thing. He always wanted to kiss Kyle. Human Kite, he corrected himself, feeling stupid. But something wasn’t right. Something was wrong.

Human Kite looked–not sad. Sad wasn’t the word for it. But there was something in his eyes, a sort-of-sad feeling. Something that he was hiding from Tool Shed. It made Tool Shed feel squirmy and uncomfortable. Human Kite never kept things from him.

Was he just imagining it?

He hoped so.

“Tool Shed,” Human Kite began, his voice shaky. He looked down at the floor, not meeting Tool Shed’s gaze.

“Yes?” Tool Shed asked, his heart racing. Maybe something was bothering Human Kite. And maybe he was going to tell him what that something was.

Only, Human Kite didn’t tell Tool Shed what was bothering him. Instead he told him something, much, much worse.

“I love you, Tool Shed.”

And Tool Shed felt like he couldn’t breathe.

He had dreamed of Kyle saying those very words to him for so long. Ever since he heard that message in his teddy bear. And now Kyle was saying it. Right in front of him. His voice crystal clear, instead of slightly static-y, and stuffed inside a stuffed animal. But it wasn’t Kyle saying these words to Stan.

It was Human Kite saying these words to Tool Shed.

And that made all the difference.

“You don’t have to say it back, Tool Shed,” said Human Kite gently. “I just wanted you to know. There’s something wrong in this town. With tape disappearing. I’m worried. If something bad happens… I just wanted you to know, in case I couldn’t tell you later.”

“Oh,” Tool Shed said thickly.

In a lower voice, Human Kite said, “and if you wanted to freak out about this with The Raccoon later, that might be a good idea.”

Something hot and fierce pricked at Tool Shed’s skin. It was anger. Of course. He knew it. That was all this was. A part of their game.

Human Kite was right. Tool Shed wouldn’t say it back. Not right now. And maybe not ever. Because for Tool Shed, those words were real. He loved Human Kite. And he loved Kyle. He loved everyone that Kyle was. Human Kite, and the next persona. He loved his best friend. Simple as that.

“Maybe you should go, Human Kite,” Tool Shed said, his voice cold.

Human Kite looked surprised by this. “Oh. Really?” he wasn’t asking Tool Shed, then. He was asking Stan.

“Yes,” said Stan. “Really.”

After Kyle left, Stan couldn’t sleep. He mindlessly scrolled through twitter posts about Human Kite x Tool Shed on his phone before he got a text message from Cartman.

Cartman: dude i think i know who is the tape thief.

Stan: who?

Cartman: fuking wendy.

Stan: maybe…

Cartman: want to investigate? I saw a facebook post from wendys parents saying they will be out of the house around 3 pm tomorrow. Im assuming so will Wendy. We should break in and check her room.

Was this such a good idea?

Stan didn’t know if he could trust Wendy or not, sure. But the tape villain? Didn’t that seem like a stretch?

But then, didn’t Wendy start talking to Kyle around the same time Tweek told them about the tape thief?

Timeline wise, it did make a little sense. And Stan didn’t have anything else to do tomorrow. So he might as well. At least they would be able to rule out one suspect, right? And maybe they would find other stuff in Wendy’s room, that might tell them if she was trustworthy or not. It was worth a shot.

Stan: no need to break in. I have a key. Who else is coming?

Cartman: not kyle sory but ur bf keeps kissing ur gfs ass. Kenny isn’t responding to my texts. and not tweek and craig bc fuck thos guys.

It was Sunday. It was almost 3 pm. And Kenny was on his way to Butters’ birthday party. He was mad. Mad at Butters for not asking him, and mad at himself for thinking Butters would. Kenny wasn’t the best kid at school. He was only known for being poor and having alcoholic redneck parents. He was stupid to think Butters could like someone like him.

He knocked on Butters’ front door. All the anger he felt immediately washed away when he saw Butters. His entire face lit up when he saw him.

“Kenny!” Butters said happily. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s your birthday party,” said Kenny. “Um. Happy birthday. I didn’t get you a gift. I’m sorry.”

For a moment, Butters looked confused. But why would he be confused? Then he asked, “who told you that?”

“Kyle,” said Kenny. It was the truth.

“Oh.”

“You didn’t ask me,” said Kenny. Also the truth. He tried, but failed to hide the hurt in his voice. Butters noticed immediately.

“I’m sorry! I went by your house but your parents said you weren’t home. So I thought I would text you… but I don’t have your number.”

Now Kenny felt guilty. But it still felt like Butters was lying to him. His parents rarely open the doors for others. They usually make Kenny do it. So was Butters telling the truth? Did he come by his house, or did he not?

It didn’t matter. He was here now. “Who else is here?”

“Oh… no one showed up,” Butters said sadly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be! Come on in.”

Kenny came inside. “I didn’t know it was your birthday today. I thought your birthday was later this year. Maybe I am misremembering.”

“No one remembers my birthday,” Butters said sadly. Kenny wished he could make the world a better place, a world where Butters would never look so sad ever again. He hated seeing him so sad. “But! You could say that because of that, well, everyday is kind of like my birthday, huh? Since, well, you know, no one remembers. I could tell them any day, and they would believe me!”

Kenny didn’t laugh at the joke. There was something in Butters voice when he said it that made Kenny feel weird.

Butters might have lied about coming to his house.

But why would he?

And why would he wait until the day before to tell everyone about his birthday? It was way too short noticed.

“Butters!” screamed Butters’ dad from the kitchen. “Get in here at once and help me put away the groceries, or else you will be grounded for three years, mister!”

Butters sighed miserably. “I’m awfully sorry, Kenny. I have to help my dad real quick. B-but you wait here! I’ll be right back!” 

Before Kenny could respond, Butters rushed into the kitchen. Kenny looked around the living room. No decorations. Nothing that implied Butters was supposed to have a birthday party with lots of friends. Why would his dad make him help with groceries if it was supposed to be his birthday?

His dad does suck.

Still…

Kenny hated the strange gut feeling he had. He didn’t want to doubt Butters. He didn’t want to believe that Butters was lying to him. But the more he thought about it, the more weird this whole thing was, and the more weird his gut felt.

Making a quick decision, Kenny rushed upstairs and to Butters’ room. He had a hunch. He didn’t know what that hunch was, exactly. But he knew he should listen to it.

He opened the door to Butters’ room and gasped at what he saw there.

In Butters’ room were piles and piles of rolls of tape.

Chapter Text

Human Kite found Call Girl waiting for him at the park around 3 pm. She greeted him with a small wave. The two of them sat down on a bench together.

“Thank you for meeting with me,” said Call Girl.

“I hope it isn’t a mistake,” said Human Kite. He was going against Raccoon and Friends. He knew that. But his teammates didn’t trust Call Girl. And yet Human Kite thought that maybe Call Girl truly was their ally.

“It won’t be. I wanted to talk to Raccoon and Friends about the tape thief.”

“Yeah? What about him?”

Call Girl sighed. “I think they might be dangerous. More dangerous than we think. And I also think that the tape thief is at our school.”

Human Kite frowned. That didn’t sound good. He wondered if maybe the tape thief was also the evil at the school Clyde had warned Stan about weeks ago. “Who do you think it is?”

Call Girl looked at Human Kite, worry in her eyes. “Butters.”

“Butters?” Human Kite coughed, surprised. “Um, no offense. But what makes you think Butters is capable of this?”

“Butters went to Bebe’s house and wanted to come inside for a little bit to tell Bebe about his birthday party. Then later Bebe texted me complaining that her tape was missing.”

“Oh…” Human Kite paused.

“I asked a few other girls. Red and Heidi. Both of them told me the same thing Bebe had. That Butters came into their houses to talk about a birthday party, and then afterwards someone in their household noticed that their tape was missing.”

“But what could Butters possibly want with a bunch of tape?”

Call Girl sighed. “What could Butters possibly want with Cartman’s superhero mask?”

It didn’t surprise Human Kite that Call Girl had guessed the identities of the Raccoon and Friends. She was smart. And even Human Kite had to admit it was a little obvious. “I don’t know. To piss him off?”

Call Girl chuckled. “It is easy to piss him off, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

The smile fell from Call Girl’s face. She turned to Human Kite, an intense look on her face. “Maybe Butters is going to do something. With the tape.”

“Like what?” Human Kite asked.

Call Girl shook her head, clearly frustrated. “I’m not sure. But maybe it has something to do with his birthday party.”

“It does seem a little random,” Human Kite agreed. “If Butters birthday party was today, then why would he wait to tell everyone until yesterday, the day before?”

Call Girl’s head snapped up. “Wait, what do you mean, today?”

Human Kite frowned, confused. “He came by my house yesterday, too. He told me the birthday party was today. Wait, did you not know that?”

“No!” Call Girl looked frightened now. 

“Did–did Butters not come to your house?”

She shook her head. “He didn’t come to Nicole’s either. I asked all of my friends. I’m not sure why. But he never came to my house.”

Human Kite remembered that Butters didn’t come to Kenny’s house, either. A strange coincidence. But there wasn’t a pattern, not that Human Kite could see. Wendy, Nicole, and Kenny had nothing in common. Wendy and Nicole were friends, so at least there was a connection. But Kenny wasn’t friends with either of them.

So why didn’t Butters ask them to go to his birthday party?

“Human Kite,” Call Girl suddenly said, her voice urgent.

“Yes?”

“Today isn’t Butters’ birthday.”

“It isn’t? Do you know when his birthday is?” asked Human Kite.

“No, and no. It’s just a hunch. What time did Butters tell you his party was going to be? Do you know?”

“Uh, like, three.” Human Kite said. Then he realized that it was after three, now. He had scheduled his meeting with Call Girl at the same time as Butters’ birthday party. He felt a twinge of guilt. 

Deep down, he knew he probably wasn’t going to go to Butters’ birthday party, but he still felt bad about it. Even if he now knows there’s a more sinister intent behind Butters’ party.

“God!” Call Girl leaped off the bench. “Human Kite. Come on! I think the kids Butters had invited to his house are in danger!”

“Shit,” Human Kite got to his feet. “You’re probably right. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before…”

“No time to think,” Call Girl cut in. “We have to get to Butters’ house, before it’s too late!”

“You’ve found out…”

Kenny whipped around. Behind him, stood Butters. He had a regretful, sad look on his face. He was holding something. It was an old-looking folded sheet of paper.

“Butters, what is this?” Kenny asked carefully.

Not what he thought it was. It couldn’t be what he thought it was.

“It’s tape,” said Butters.

“I-I can see that,” Kenny stammered. He took a step back, into Butters’ room. Butters didn’t step closer. He just stood there, staring. “And why do you have so much tape?”

“I stole it,” said Butters.

Kenny forced out a laugh. His voice cracked with fear. “Oh, that’s very funny, Butters. Because of the tape shortage, right? Funny.”

“No, there isn’t a tape shortage, Kenny.” Butters slowly shook his head. “There was never a shortage. Only a thief. I was that thief. Once all the stores in South Park ran out of tape, I started taking it from people’s homes.”

Kenny’s throat tightened. “You… what?”

“I never broke into their homes!” Butters added quickly. “I was always invited inside. I just always left with something.”

Tape Thief, the words echoed inside Kenny’s head, louder than alarm bells. Butters was the tape thief. Butters must have lied about his birthday party, too. But what Kenny didn’t understand was why?

Why would Butters do this?

“Butters, why do you have so much tape?”

“For my big evil plan!” Butters said happily. “I was going to use the tape to trap all of the kids I invited to my party!” He stopped smiling. “But-but no one came. Shame… why, why, no one ever comes to my birthday parties!”

Kenny was too frightened to feel any sympathy towards the tape thief. The thief who was also Kenny’s friend. Kenny was used to betrayal, but this one hurt the most.

“So what, are you going to tie me up in tape, now?”

Butters looked confused. “But why would I do that, Kenny?”

“Because you just said you wanted to tie up a bunch of kids in tape, weirdo!” Kenny shot back. 

“But not you!” Butters protested. He sounded genuinely hurt. Kenny refused to believe it. He wouldn’t fall for another one of the tape thief’s tricks. “I would never tie you up in tape, Kenny! I like you! You were always nice to me.”

Kenny paused.

You were always nice to me.

Finally, all of the pieces fell into place. Butters never asked Kenny to his party because he didn’t want to hurt Kenny. Only the kids who were ever mean to him, or ignored him.

“I know what the other kids did to you must have really sucked,” Kenny said, choosing his words carefully. He had to stall. He had to get away from Butters so he could request backup from the Raccoon and Friends. But how could he get away from Butters long enough to send a text?

“It really, really sucked,” Butters agreed sadly.

“But revenge isn’t the answer, Butters!”

Butters looked angry. “Don’t try to give me the Disney talk, Kenny!”

Worth a shot, Kenny thought helplessly. “I wasn’t! But you’re just going to get people hurt. And everyone’s parents will be super mad at you.”

“Well, if the parents want to get mad at me then I will just have to tape them up, too!” Butters laughed evilly.

Kenny side glanced Butters’ closet. He wondered if there was a lock inside. If not, he could always keep a hold on the doorknob so Butters couldn’t get in. It was worth a try. He didn’t have any other ideas.

“Hey, what are you–?” Butters began to ask, but it was too late.

Kenny ran to Butters’ closet and quickly locked himself inside. Butters started knocking repeatedly on the door, calling out Kenny’s name.

“Kenny! Get out of there, Kenny!”

Kenny tried to breathe. Now that he was away from Butters, he felt his emotions finally catch up with him. His best friend. His love. The tape thief. Evil. An enemy. He shook his head. It didn’t matter what he felt for Butters. He needed to bring South Park to justice.

Kenny turned on his phone and opened the Raccoon and Friends group chat. He quickly typed out a message requesting help. He waited a minute, but no one answered. Kenny tried not to feel helpless. Someone will see it. Someone would come to help.

From the dim light of his phone, something against the wall caught Kenny’s eye. He turned on his flashlight and pointed it at the end of the closet. What he saw made Kenny gasp and drop his phone. He quickly covered his mouth with his two hands.

Against the wall was Cartman’s mask.

That meant Butters wasn’t just the tape thief.

But he was also the very enemy that Clyde had warned them about, all that time ago.

“This is stupid,” said Stan. “There’s obviously nothing here.”

He was right, he knew he was right. He and Cartman had been carefully searching Wendy’s room for half an hour now. And they hadn’t found anything that was suspicious. Just a bunch of dolls, and books, and stuff like that.

And Stan had to admit, it was a bit awkward being in his ex girlfriend’s room. Especially when she wasn’t here. He got defensive when Cartman wanted to check her dresser and told him if he touched it he would break every single one of his fingers.

“There has to be something!” Cartman insisted.

Stan sighed and idly checked his phone. He had a few text notifications from the group chat. He was about to open them when he heard Wendy’s closet door slide open.

He clicked his phone off. “Dude!”

Cartman huffed, “relax you pansy.”

“Don’t look through her closet!”

Cartman ignored him and stepped into the closet, using the flashlight on his phone to look around. He made some comment about all the pink jackets Wendy had. Stan felt a rush of anger.

“Get out of there!”

“Oh!” Cartman said. “I found something. It’s a little glittery book.” He stepped out of the closet, the thick, pink book in hands. Stan realized immediately that it must be Wendy’s diary.

“Come on, dude,” Stan said. “Don’t read that.”

Cartman rolled his hands. “Stan, I’m gonna be completely seriously with you, here. You’re kind of acting like a mini Kyle right now, and it’s totally killing the mood.”

“I don’t care! Don’t read her private stuff!”

Cartman chuckled and flipped through the diary. “No way man, there’s stuff in here from last year. Like this right here,” Cartman cleared his throat, then read in a mocking feminine voice, “Dear Diary, today me and Stan broke up again. I’m just tired of our on and off relationship. And I think he has his priorities elsewhere. There is someone worth his time, and it isn’t me.”

Stan felt his face burn with both embarrassment and fury. Was that really what Wendy thought? That Stan didn’t prioritize their relationship?

He felt a stab of guilt in his gut. He did put off their little dates to spend time with his friends. Namely Kyle. But it had nothing to do with Wendy. Stan just didn’t like the same things Wendy liked. That was all.

It didn’t mean he never prioritized their relationship. He did!

Didn’t he?

“Dude! She wrote so much about you last year.”

“I don’t care,” Stan said. After he said it he realized he cared at least a tiny bit.

“Come on, Stan. You don’t want to know what Wendy writes about you?”

“Not really.”

Cartman continued to flip through the page. He faked a surprised gasp and continued to read Wendy’s diary. “I am torn between the future I always hoped for me and Stan, and the future I want with someone else. Someone who cares about me more.”

“Okay, enough–”

Cartman laughed. “It looks like Wendy likes someone else! That must suck, dude.”

Stan didn’t feel hurt by the news. Of course Wendy liked someone else. She shouldn’t have to like him still, if they weren’t dating. It didn’t matter to him.

So I don’t like Wendy anymore?

Stan knew he liked Kyle. That was a mess. But he thought he still had feelings for Wendy, too. He had been in love with her for forever. But if he didn’t have feelings for her anymore, did that mean that he never did?

Did that make him gay now?

Stan still felt so confused.

“Or do you not like Wendy anymore, now that you like Kyle?” cooed Cartman, his voice snapping Stan out of his thoughts.

“Fuck you, asshole,” Stan grunted. “There isn’t anything here, so we should just leave before Wendy comes back.”

Cartman ignored Stan and continued skimming through Wendy’s diary. “Oh! Look! Here Wendy wrote, ‘Stan and Kyle are dating. Bebe and Clyde were talking about it during lunch. Bebe seems to like their relationship. Clyde finds it weird. He says he didn’t think that Stan was gay.’ Ha!”

Stan felt a prick underneath his skin. “Stop reading that, asshole.”

Of course. Cartman didn’t stop reading. Instead, he continued, his voice still high-pitched in an attempt to mock Wendy. “I would be happy for Stan, if I didn’t think there was something suspicious about their relationship. I always thought Stan was in love with Kyle–” Stan thought he was going to be sick. “And I hoped Kyle might feel the same for him.”

But he doesn’t, whispered a selfish voice in the back of Stan’s head. He shook the voice away. That wasn’t what mattered right now. What mattered was Cartman disrespecting Wendy’s privacy. “Seriously, cut it out!”

“But still. Something about their relationship feels almost false. I never see them holding hands. Or acting like a couple. And I know they’re hiding something. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman have been jumpy and secretive for weeks now!”

Cartman laughed at Stan’s red face. Then he kept reading, and that smirk fell right off his face. His expression turned serious.

Stan’s stomach dropped. “What is it?”

Cartman held out the diary, showing the pages he was looking at. It was a sort of suspect graph Stan always saw on boards in movies. But without the red string. In the center of the page was the words: Professor Chaos? And around it were the suspects.

“Who’s professor chaos?” asked Stan.

“No idea,” Cartman said. “But I’m on her suspect list!”

The name ‘Eric Cartman’ was written. Under it was written, ‘not very likely. Probably The Raccoon. Same body type. ’ but Stan decided not to point that out.

“Does it say who she thinks it is?”

Cartman flipped to the next few pages. There were a few pages written about the Raccoon and Friends, and who Wendy thought the heroes were. 

One of the pages about the Raccoon and Friends read:

‘The Raccoon. Cartman. Same body type. Same personality.

Tool Shed. Stan. Same voice, same hair. Same body type.

Human Kite. Kyle. Same voice. Same body type.

Mysterion. Kenny? Deep voice. Hard to identify. A costume that completely covers his body, including his hair. Kenny is the only one I can think of, because he is always with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.

Tool Shed and Human Kite, in a supposed relationship. Same with Stan and Kyle. Fake relationship(?) why would they be faking? Exploitation?-Eric Cartman’

Stan swallowed. She was right about each of their identities. Of course she was. Then there were a few pages about Super Craig and Wonder Tweek. There was even a single page about Mosquito. 

Tweek and Craig’s pages had read: ‘Superhero couple. Tweek and Craig are also a couple. Costumes don’t hide much. And it’s in their superhero names, Super Craig and Wonder Tweek.’

Mosquito’s page simply read: Obviously Clyde. Big ego.

There wasn’t anything else about Professor Chaos.

“This is bad,” said Stan.

Cartman agreed, “yeah, it’s bad!”

“I wonder who Professor Chaos is, and how much of a threat he holds…”

“No!” Cartman said. “Fuck that! It’s bad that some chick knows all of our top secret identities!”

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “They weren’t very top secret, Cartman. Anyone could have figured it out if they wanted to.”

“She’s probably a super weirdo fan!” Cartman continued, completely ignoring Stan. “What if she’s stalking us because she has a crush on us? What if she’s waiting to kidnap us in the night to feed her sicko fantasies?”

“I highly doubt it,” Stan deadpanned. “She’s probably keeping track of other superheroes because she’s also a superhero.”

“No she isn’t!”

“Yes she is,” Stan shot back.

Cartman barked, “chicks can’t be superheroes, Stan!”

“There’s plenty of superheroes who are chicks.”

“And all of their movies suck!” Cartman said. 

“It’s not about the movies!” Stan said.

Cartman dramatically jabbed his finger against Wendy’s journal. “This! This is a problem, Stan! Who knows who else has read Wendy’s diary!”

“Probably no one,” Stan reasoned. “That’s why she keeps it hidden in her closet. You’re the one who decided to snoop in there and read it yourself.”

“And thank god I did! Or else we would have never known that she knew about our secret identities!”

Stan crossed his arms. “She kinda already told us, dude. That’s why she talked to Kyle. And texted me. She already knew. She wasn’t keeping it like, a secret or anything.”

“You’re not seeing how big of a deal this is!” 

“Dude,” Stan sighed. “Just put the diary back in her closet. There isn’t anything else left to find. Let’s just go.”

Cartman looked ready to argue, then he paused. “No. There is something else.”

“No there isn’t, fatass.”

“Yes! We’ve searched Wendy’s entire room. And if she’s a so-called superhero, then where is her costume?”

“Maybe she doesn’t have one. Not everyone needs a superhero costume.”

“Yes they do! Or else how would she protect her identity?”

Stan paused. It made sense. But why did it matter that they didn’t find Wendy’s superhero costume? “Okay, and?”

“So where is it?”

“I don’t know. Who cares?”

“That means she’s wearing it, Stan!”

“Okay?”

“That means someone is in danger!” Cartman said. “And that also means that she is helping them! She is stealing our missions! I told you, this is what happens when you let superheroes go woke. First Super Craig and Wonder Tweek–”

“Hey! You made me–you made Human Kite and Tool Shed a thing!” Stan reminded him, feeling defensive.

“That’s different! I wasn’t trying to go woke, Stan! I was trying to exploit gay people, like Hollywood does all the time!”

Stan rolled his eyes at that. “She isn’t stealing our missions!” 

Then Stan remembered one name that he saw on Wendy’s Professor Chaos suspect list. His eyes had brushed past it so quickly, because why would he ever think that a wuss like that could ever be a threat?

Butters.

Then Stan remembered his text notifications he left unread. They were from Kenny. Kenny was supposed to be at Butters’ birthday party today. If he was at Butters’, then why would he be texting Stan?

Unless he was in danger.

“But you are right about one thing,” Stan said quickly. “Someone is in danger. And I think it’s Kenny. We need to help him. Now.”

“What?” asked Cartman. “What the hell would be wrong with Kenny?”

“I don’t know!” Stan said urgently. “But we have to help him. Before it’s too late!”