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It's only after they make it to their hide-out that the damage reveals itself.
"Oh man!" Lupin looks at Jigen, who is holding a broken container in his arms, his face covered in remnants of a dried flower. And not just any dried flower; this one was a rumored off-shoot of an ancient miracle plant that went extinct a long time ago, and there are no remains of the off-shoot either aside from this one sample. One sample that is lost now, scattered on Jigen’s face. Lupin sighs, staring at the bullet hole that has shattered the container.
"I mean, good thing that you didn't get shot instead, but damn, what a waste! All our efforts for nothing." He groans, making sure to do so as dramatically as possible as he throws his head back. "Fuck it. How about we go drink our sorrows away, Jigen? After you wash that off your face, though." He heads into the apartment building before them, where their current hideout waits.
“Yeah,” Jigen says behind him, his voice low. “Yeah, I’m all for drinking the day away.”
"Great!" Despite his frustration, Lupin shoots a grin at Jigen over his shoulder as they enter the building.
As soon as they make it to their apartment, Lupin heads over to the kitchen, where their stash of liquor waits. But he glances behind him at Jigen first, laughing a little. "Damn, you really look like a snowman right now. Not a bad look, but I bet you'll feel better after that wash. I'll set things up here!"
He bounces off into the kitchen, opening the cupboard to look through their selection. He picks up two bottles of liquor, listening as Jigen puts the container on the living room table and makes his way to the bathroom. He wants to hear if Jigen is limping, and is relieved when he isn't.
Lupin picks up a bottle of whiskey and two glasses, humming to himself as he walks over to the living room, frowning at the remains of the flower. "Hurry up! This whiskey won't drink itself!" he hollers to Jigen, lowering the glasses on the table and opening the bottle.
He pours the glasses full and sits down to wait. He reaches out to run a fingertip along the rim of his own glass, wanting to down it already, but he doesn’t like to drink alone. He pulls his hand back, starting to frown when he realizes how silent the apartment is.
"Jigen! What's taking you so long?" he calls out. "You're not hurt, are you?"
The broken container is still on the table; Lupin leans forward to it to see if there is blood on it, breathing another sigh of relief when there is none. So at least Jigen isn’t in the bathroom cleaning his wounds, pretending he doesn’t need help. The flower inside is absolutely destroyed, but there is something strange about its remains. Lupin bends closer to the container, narrowing his eyes as he looks at the powder-like substance at the bottom.
His eyes widen.
"Jigen! Did you get that stuff off?" He hates to sacrifice his blanket, but he grabs it from the couch anyway, throwing it over the container and wrapping it up in it before picking it up. He hurries over to the nearest trash can, shoving the bundled up container inside it. "I'm coming there!"
Lupin hopes he's just being overly cautious, but he is positive it was pollen he saw in that container; if it’s the case, it should be as old as the flower itself, and just as dead. But if Jigen got his face full of it and it isn't, they might be in trouble.
*
Jigen has first blamed the heat in his cheeks to the rush of the chase, then to the embarrassment of having let the haul be damaged. But once they were safe, it had become harder to ignore his problem.
He just had to look at Lupin sprawling all over the place, his smiling face and flexible body, to recognize the heat under his skin as overwhelming lust. He needs to wash his face, Lupin said. What about a whole cold shower?
He feels frustrated at himself. He's no longer a fucking teenager. These desires are supposed to be under his control, to summon at night when he's alone and to be released as bittersweet pleasure.
Jigen looks at himself in the small bathroom mirror; despite what Lupin said, he looks like shit. He splashes cold water over his red eyes, then all over his face.
He's thinking about Lupin again. Or rather, not thinking as much as longing for him, missing him from two rooms away, which is honestly pathetic.
When Lupin calls for him, he shivers. Jigen knows that in this state, he will only long for him even more once he's close to him. Cold water didn't help.
He conscientiously brushes the lapels of his suit, then the rest of the suit, because it's really bad, and even his hat. Then he splashes his face again. Yeah, that should do it.
Before coming back to Lupin, Jigen turns in his mind to the obvious truth: that Jigen is the one who gets the best part of Lupin, every day from morning to night. That Lupin is far more open and sincere and even kind as a friend than as a lover.
Usually it's enough. Now he's shivering, his skin feeling how empty this comparison is when he never had Lupin this way. Lupin feels so easy to touch, and when Jigen only thinks about this, his mouth goes dry and his mind fills with pictures of their bodies rubbing all over.
Of course, Lupin has to come in when he’s very vividly thinking about this. Jigen takes too much time to imagine a lie - that he's in the shower, that he's not decent (he sure doesn't feel decent), and then Lupin is already opening the door. Jigen catches him by the collar, confusedly imagining he will throw him outside. But once he has his hands on Lupin, he's physically unable to let go, and he stays here. Intensely breathing in the smell of Lupin's skin. Afraid of what will happen next.
*
Lupin yelps when Jigen grabs him, his hands flying up to Jigen's wrists. He stares at his friend, and now that he's up close, it's impossible to ignore the warm blush on Jigen's cheeks, the heaviness of his breathing, the way he looks at Lupin. Like he's hungry. Like he's going to bite him any second.
"Jigen," Lupin whispers. "The flower. Did you breathe it in? Did you get it in your mouth?"
It doesn't matter that much; it's obvious that the pollen wasn’t dead, and now Jigen is under its effect. Lupin has done his research about the flower, about the qualities it was said to have, and he has an idea about what’s ahead of them now. Right this second though, it's a matter of figuring out how strong the effect of the pollen is, how much control Jigen still has. Lupin blinks, barely aware that he's stroking his hands up and down Jigen's arms, in some futile attempt to soothe him.
"What is it with the flower?" Jigen asks sharply, appearing distracted by Lupin’s mouth, his touch. Lupin chuckles, and he can hear his nerves in the sound.
"Didn't you listen when I explained it to you? It's a Silphion Veneris, a flower that grew in Italy when the Roman Empire was still around. Romans apparently used it for love potions and to spice up their sex lives. Looks like it really worked."
The act of talking things through usually calms Lupin down, but now it makes him more nervous. Still, he can't make himself stop touching Jigen, sliding his hands up to Jigen's shoulders, to his neck and higher still until he's cupping his face.
"The sample we stole is about a hundred years old, it was cultivated in a rich nobleman's secret garden of rare plants, and it was the last of its kind that still existed. It was supposed to be a dry, dead thing. It wasn't supposed to have any fucking pollen on it." He probably shouldn't be touching Jigen like this, but Jigen has still enough control of himself to ask questions; perhaps Lupin's touch will ground him further. "It was supposed to be safe. I'm sorry."
*
Jigen thought that the tantalizing touch of Lupin’s hands on his wrists and forearms was badly testing his self-restraint. Now Lupin's hands are on Jigen's face, and his whole body shivers in need.
"Stop touching me!" Jigen snaps, while very aware he's the one who should release Lupin. But the thief, of course, could free himself at any time. He chooses to stay here, he chooses to caress Jigen and to stir up his want, to make him feel like a shard of heaven in burning hell. So Jigen doesn't feel like his plea is totally empty, even if he's too weak to let go. He tries to be the one who steps back. He's still holding him.
Lupin talks nonsense; Jigen must have rolled his eyes and stopped listening the first time when Lupin started joking about love potions. It should explain everything though. It kind of does, really. Jigen feels irrationally angry about it.
"Don't talk to me about love potions.”
Now he steps on the side, traps Lupin between the tiled bathroom wall and his own body. He can feel his warmth through their clothes. He wants to bury himself into it and stay here forever. He can't stand the idea of Lupin brushing off all this.
"I have been in love with you for decades. Even when you were far away, I never was able to stop, and I promise you I tried..."
As he speaks, Jigen understands, deep down, that this is stupid, that blaming everything on the flower was the best way to keep things as they are. Maybe, as he tries to explain the pollen isn't the root cause of his actions, he's proving exactly the reverse, as its perverse chemicals make his lips loose, drown him under his own feelings.
"I have always loved you,” he repeats, the anger gone now, all turned into resignation and raw need. "I have always wanted you."
And then, desperately, as his body presses against Lupin's, as his hands free his jacket and grab his shoulders and neck: "I don't want to hurt you..."
*
Lupin stares at Jigen, stunned by what he's hearing. I have always loved you- I have always wanted you- In a way, none of those words truly surprise him; now that they are being said out loud, they only make sense, and yet Lupin is shocked to his core. He still holds onto Jigen, even as he's backed up to the wall, as Jigen presses up against him.
"I don't want to hurt you," Jigen says, sounding gravely serious, and the ache that begins in Lupin's chest is unbearable. He licks his lips, trying to collect his wits as his thumbs keep moving, caressing the sharp, familiar bones of Jigen's face.
"I love you too," he says at last. He shivers at his own words. "You are the one thing in my life that is always constant, steady. I know you could leave any time you wanted to. I'm always grateful that you stay."
His heart pounding like a hammer, he wraps one arm around Jigen's shoulders, pulling him closer. He hates that this has to happen like this, they deserve better, but he knows there is only one way to deal with the effects of the pollen. He slides his hand into Jigen's hair, licking his lips again as he brings their mouths close.
"We need to ride this out, Jigen. It's the only way to deal with this." He shivers again, his breathing harsh, Jigen's breathing harsher. "Don't worry about me. You won't hurt me. Give into all that's inside you."
And so Jigen can't, won't protest, Lupin kisses him.
He doesn't know what he expected of his first kiss with Jigen. The answer is probably nothing, since he didn't expect it to happen at all; whatever tension, affection, devotion there is between them, it has always been silent, unaddressed. Perhaps he expected the kiss to be soft and tender, full of mutual awe.
What he's getting instead is all-consuming hunger. It’s like all it took was one kiss from Lupin for Jigen to lose his last bits of restraint, and now he’s kissing Lupin back almost furiously, stealing his breath. Jigen's hands, full of need and despair, are all over him, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt, reaching inside to touch his burning skin. Jigen is rutting against his thigh, his cock hard, making Lupin flush all over. He feels like he’s getting eaten alive.
It makes Lupin weak from the knees.
His own cock is stirring to life, and he moans into Jigen's mouth, letting him go for a moment so he can peel his jacket off. Once that drops to the floor, he starts to shove Jigen's jacket off his shoulders, not wanting to fall behind as Jigen’s hands keep moving over him, loosening his clothes. It's strange to be in a situation like this, not in control. There is a certain thrill about it.
Part of Lupin is scared of what this will mean for them, but he forces that part into the very back of his mind. Once Jigen's jacket is off, he wraps his arms around Jigen's neck, returning his kisses with the fire of his own.
"We should go somewhere more comfortable," he manages to say when their mouths part. His lips feel swollen, bruised; he wonders if it's the same with Jigen. "Living room?"
Jigen’s heart beats furiously against his chest, drowning out Lupin’s own racing heart. Jigen stares at him, his gaze so intense Lupin shivers underneath it.
"'Right," Jigen mutters.
With one hand, he grabs Lupin's waist, caressing his skin under the now-loose shirt. Jigen grips harder, then tilts him up, and grabs him under the knees, ready to carry him to the sofa.
Lupin yelps as Jigen lifts him up; sometimes he forgets how strong Jigen can be, even if he gets manhandled by the guy all the time. He laughs, keeping one arm around Jigen's neck while he reaches up to pick Jigen's hat up with his free hand, swiping Jigen's hair out of his face with its rim.
"Gotta take my chance to see your eyes," he says softly. The sight of Jigen with his eyes visible is soothing for him, making him feel a little less vulnerable. "Lead the way, big guy. I'll show you what I can do with my mouth."
Jigen flushes at his words, which is beyond endearing. But the heat in his eyes remains strong, and he nods as he paces over to the door, nudging it open with a foot and a shoulder before carrying Lupin out.
They reach the living room, where two glasses of whiskey are still waiting for them. Jigen lays Lupin down on the couch, his eyes on Lupin’s mouth, half-kneeling at his side. He goes still then, hesitating.
"Come on, Jigen, kiss me." Lupin smiles up at Jigen, reaching to the side to put Jigen’s hat on the table behind the glasses of whiskey before bringing his hand to Jigen’s face, stroking his cheek. "Look at us, about to go at it like a couple of boys. I look forward to seeing what you have in your pants."
Well, technically Lupin does know what's in there; this will just be the first chance for him to truly contemplate the sight of Jigen's cock, the feel and the taste of the man who is the most solid foundation in his life. Biting his lip, he grabs Jigen by his tie, pulling him gently closer.
"I want you in my mouth," he says hoarsely, urging Jigen to lie on top of him. He lifts his leg up, wrapping it around Jigen's waist. "But kiss me first. Get me naked." He takes his hands to Jigen's tie, loosening it and pulling it off.
*
Lupin’s laugh is intoxicating and his kisses are passionate, perfect; Lupin’s flirting hits Jigen even deeper. He says he loves him, and some cynical part of Jigen’s mind tried to wonder if they used the word with the same meaning, before the mere words drowned him in joy and relief. He’s desperate for more, desperate for Lupin. He wants him with the terrible freedom of hope.
He marvels at Lupin talking in full sentences, playful and articulate, moving like in complete control of his body, when Jigen feels too far gone to answer with something else than grunts and thrusts. Looking at Lupin disheveled on the sofa, just for him, is usually already far into the fantasies he allows himself. His heart is thundering in his chest. He gets close, he falls on him, pulled on by love and gravity and Lupin’s sweet kisses, claims his soft mouth again, devours him, sucks at his lip, everything he wished for with extra madness.
Every bump and twitch of Lupin's long, sinewy body rubbing against him hits Jigen with a jolt of pleasure. He’s wanted this so badly, but now that Lupin is under him, the pain of the want turns into bliss.
He peels what's left of Lupin's shirt, then goes lower, kissing his neck, savoring his sweaty skin, sucking deep while caressing a nipple.
With his other hand, he's opening Lupin's belt, feeling Lupin's cock harden under his fingers. For himself, he doesn't think he could ever get harder. He cups Lupin's ass as he's lowering his trousers. If he was naked too, he's not sure he would have enough restraint not to take him right now.
"I can't..." he whispers, not even sure of what he means.
*
It's overwhelming to have Jigen touching him like this. Lupin wasn't quite prepared for all this emotion from Jigen, even less for the emotion from himself; he tries not to think about it too much, opening himself to Jigen's touches, moaning when Jigen kisses his neck, when Jigen's rough thumb crosses over his nipple. He has the mind to unbutton Jigen's shirt, but Jigen is moving too much, touching him too much for Lupin to get his shirt completely off, so he leaves it there. He pulls it open instead, sliding his hands over Jigen's chest, admiring his lean body.
"You can, it's okay," Lupin whispers at the sound of Jigen's- plea? Statement? He can't tell. But they have to proceed with this; the pollen won't stop affecting Jigen until it has wrung all his repressed desire out of him. And no matter how unnerved he might be, how insecure the future ahead of them seems all of the sudden, Lupin is not leaving Jigen in a bind.
He will give Jigen himself, everything he's got.
Once Jigen has stripped him nude, Lupin sets his legs apart, allowing Jigen to see his hard cock and balls for a moment before sitting up, reaching for Jigen's pants to unbuckle his belt.
"Straddle my face." Lupin's cock throbs hard enough to be distracting, but he leaves it be for now. He pulls Jigen forward from his loose belt, lying down on the couch but keeping his head up. "Feed me your cock." He unfastens Jigen's pants, ready to tug them down, before he hesitates.
"Do you want to put your gun away?" he asks, even though he can barely focus on a gun right now himself. He is staring at the bulge in Jigen's pants, which is making his mouth go dry.
*
Lupin's words, even more than the sight of his naked, aroused body, are piercing Jigen with sharp desire. Yes, of course, he wants to fuck his hot mouth, his lips made shiny and pink by Jigen's hungry kisses, always twisting into a joke or a smile.
He should show control, take his own gun away, but Lupin's hands brushing on his skin, as he strips him barer than naked, are not something he can give up on. He nods, his mouth dry.
"You got it," Lupin answers. He reaches behind Jigen, pulling out his gun and putting it on the table. He turns back to him, grasping the waistband of Jigen’s pants so he can pull them down, then doing the same with his boxers.
Lupin licks his lips in an appreciative way as he looks at Jigen’s cock, a second of too big a space between them. And then he grabs Jigen’s ass, and makes eye contact as he gives Jigen’s cock a long, teasing lick.
"No kitten licks here," he murmurs, with a smirk. "Tomcats only," and he still looks Jigen in the eye while he’s pulling him into madness.
Lupin licks along the shaft for a while, tracing the vein beneath the skin with the tip of his tongue before moving onto the head, kissing it before taking it into his mouth. All of this, his mouth sliding back and forth, his skilled tongue on Jigen’s most sensitive parts, his eager hands on Jigen’s ass and the back of his thighs, and still his tender gaze on him, it’s heavenly, all that Jigen ever wanted, more than he ever wanted.
And in his cursed state, it's still not enough. He's so, so close to orgasm, and he can't stop himself from grabbing Lupin's head and thrusting into his mouth, making him gasp and gag. Lupin doesn’t push him away, though, if anything, squeezing his ass tighter.
And then, though some incomprehensible feat of willpower, Lupin just stops, opening himself to Jigen’s forceful lust. His mouth is wet and soft and welcoming, his throat is so tight, and Jigen can't stop himself, no longer even wishes for Lupin to stop him. He fucks his throat deep, caresses his head, whispers unfinished words about love and need. He comes hard, shivers in all his body, resonating, concentrating, into limitless pleasure.
He hears himself moan and feels himself tremble and tastes a tear on his own cheek.
He reluctantly releases his grip on Lupin's hair.
"Are you alright?" he asks.
Even after having him, Jigen still wants to touch him, his hands on Lupin's cheeks. He still wants to kiss him. To lay on him and hold him tight.
*
Lupin feels a little dazed after Jigen pulls out of his mouth. His throat has been fucked sore and if his lips weren't bruised before they definitely are now, but none of that compares to the way his heart feels after listening to Jigen's incoherent whispers about loving him. When he forces his eyes to focus, catching the sight of a tear trickling down Jigen's cheek, he can feel his own eyes tearing up too.
"I'm okay," he whispers when Jigen cradles his face. It's not over, he can tell already now; the intense, naked yearning is still there in Jigen’s eyes, in his touch, and when Lupin glances down at his groin, he can see that Jigen is already growing hard again. He swallows, looking over to the whiskey that still stands on the table.
"Let's have a drink," he says, bringing one hand against the back of Jigen's hand, placing his fingers over Jigen's. "And after we are done with that, I want you to make love to me."
He grins as Jigen’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open, as if Lupin has offered him keys to heaven.
“I will,” Jigen says, his voice soft in awe.
Smiling at Jigen, Lupin wriggles out of his socks, having already kicked off his shoes while he was sucking Jigen off. His own cock rests against his stomach as he slides on the sofa, taking his glass of whiskey. Jigen is still beside him for a moment before taking his own shoes and trousers off, even tossing Lupin’s discarded socks and shoes away while at it.
“A little bit of refreshment,” Lupin says, offering Jigen the other glass of whiskey.
After Jigen has taken his glass, they settle on the couch to drink together in silence. But it doesn’t take long for Jigen to lean against him, dropping a kiss on his shoulder, which makes Lupin’s heart swell with affection. He gasps when Jigen pours a little bit of whiskey on his back, and leans behind him to lick it off.
"Jigen," Lupin whispers, shivering at the sensation of Jigen’s soft, warm tongue moving on his skin; even though he just had Jigen's cock in his mouth, felt his come pour down his throat, this touch feels somehow more intimate. He reaches behind him, stroking his fingers through Jigen's hair before pulling his hand away, putting his half-empty glass of whiskey down on the table. The whiskey feels cozy inside him, filling him with soft warmth. He climbs back on the couch, leaving Jigen to lick his lips, and starts to lie down on his stomach.
"Do you want me like this?" he asks, his voice low; it feels hard to summon volume into it. "Or face to face? Anyway you like." He spreads his legs anyway, propping his hips and presenting himself to Jigen.
Jigen crawls on his back, latching his mouth onto Lupin’s neck, sucking until he has left an angry red hickey on his skin.
"I want you every way," Jigen breathes. "I won't ever get enough of you."
Lupin shivers at the words. Jigen goes lower, licks the last drops of whiskey that have gathered on the small of Lupin's back. Again it's that intimacy, that tenderness- it's driving Lupin crazy. He closes his eyes for a second, his cock twitching against his stomach.
I'm going to get blue balls at this rate, he wants to joke, but the joke dies inside him when Jigen grabs his ass cheeks and spreads them, starting to lick his hole. What comes out instead is a strong moan. His back curves, his cock twitching even harder, dribbling out pre-come. The alcohol in Jigen's mouth stings slightly in his hole, but only slightly; he clenches his hands into fists, gasping for breath as Jigen's lips and tongue work on his entrance.
"Jigen," he whispers, moaning again. He didn't think he'd be so damn sensitive there, that Jigen, his Jigen, would know how to use his harsh tongue with such precision. But that just makes him a fool; Jigen is all precision, about everything.
"I'm going to," he breathes, crying out loud as his balls draw up, his entire groin pulsing. He rests his head against the couch pillows, gasping soundlessly as he pushes back against Jigen's mouth, his seed spilling down.
*
Jigen's body shivers as Lupin moans for him, heat burning under his skin. When Lupin's voice breaks and he comes under Jigen, it only stokes the fire.
He wanted this, he hoped for this, to make him feel good. He didn't go as far as expecting it, and for a second, he only feels triumph, before lust overwhelms him again, and he remembers that pleasure and joy aren't fulfillment, not while he's poisoned.
The vague idea that it would be a good time to stop visits his brain, with disappointment in tow, and leaves immediately. Jigen keeps sucking at Lupin's ass, his tongue poking as his entrance. His cock is hard and leaking.
Finally he stops, looks at Lupin's hole, all wet and opened up.
"I'm going to take you," he warns. Lupin called this lovemaking, but Jigen is not sure if his animal needs deserve this name right now. He's not sure either what he will do if Lupin calls an end to all this, and he grabs his hips too tightly, to avoid thinking about it.
But nothing of this; Lupin just laughs, propping himself up on his elbows, keeping his legs open, his lascivious ease making Jigen’s desire grow by the minute.
"Do it," he says, smiling at Jigen over his shoulder. "Show me what you got."
Jigen spits in his hands, tries to coat his cock in saliva. He could easily come just like this, touching himself, spilling over Lupin's ass. But the growling need in his belly is to be inside Lupin, to get close in the most primal way.
He enters him slowly, panting like he had just run for his life, like grabbing Lupin's hips was his lifeguard, and he lets pleasure take him down inch by inch.
He feels so hot. He hastily removes his shirt, which he had left on for some obscure reason and lies above Lupin, skin against skin. Jigen kisses his shoulder, his neck, his offered cheek. Emotion overwhelms him again, like it was taking turn with lust to turn him into a thing that yearns.
"I've dreamed about this," he confesses, the feeling too strong to keep hidden. He starts to thrust inside Lupin. He tries to go slow, to make it progressive. His resolution barely lasts. He can't get enough of him.
*
Lupin pants as Jigen enters him; not only has it been a while since he was with a man like this, but being this close to Jigen is beyond intense, making his head and heart pound. By the time Jigen's balls come to rest against his ass, Lupin is trembling, and he can barely form any coherent thoughts in his mind.
But it’s not just the closeness with Jigen. Despite his fresh climax, his cock is already stiff again; a sign of the pollen having spread into him too. He’s not sure how, but it’s most likely when swallowing Jigen’s come earlier, meaning an indirect exposure. Nevertheless, it’s there, stirring his blood, clouding his mind.
"I've dreamed about this," Jigen says, emotion crackling in his voice. It's hard to listen to.
"I hope I'm as good as your dreams," Lupin says out loud, to keep himself from saying other things, that the pollen, its effect growing stronger, is mercilessly trying to bring up to the surface. Will you stay after this?
Will you still be mine?
Lupin gasps as Jigen starts to move, thrusting into him. Taking this distraction, anything to escape his thoughts, Lupin starts to move with Jigen, reaching behind him with his arm to hook it around Jigen's neck.
Jigen shivers at his touch, leaning into it. He says nothing, his hips rocking slowly, giving Lupin enough time to get nervous.
"It's too good," Jigen answers, his words coming out slowly as if he needed to think about them thoroughly.
Jigen thrusts harder this time, making Lupin gasp. He reaches between Lupin’s legs, brushing his palm over Lupin’s cock, his caress reverent, before his fist closes around tightly around it.
It worries Lupin whenever Jigen is silent. It lets his own fears bubble up, and now that the pollen is doing its magic, he feels like his tongue is about to come loose. It’s not overwhelming him the way it’s overwhelming Jigen, but he has to be aware of everything he does. He can't lose Jigen, everything they have built, because of a flower that wasn't dead.
Jigen's hand is solid and steady around his cock, his grip perfect. Lupin twitches in his grasp, biting his lip, and he brings his cheek against Jigen's, rubs their faces together.
"Let me have it," he whispers. "Give yourself to me."
He will do the same.
*
It's Lupin squirming that takes him over the edge, maybe the way his body twists around his cock, maybe his cheek against his. When Lupin whispers give yourself to me, Jigen thrusts one last time, and his body convulses as he comes inside Lupin, as a pleasure flows through him, so intense that it seems an accident, some otherworldly thing that shouldn't be here.
Would fucking Lupin without any ancient flower influence feel that good? He couldn’t know.
He rolls a bit on the side, clinging to Lupin, wanting him close, always closer, to vanish into each other. Lupin goes with it, his body pliant. Jigen hopes he feels it too.
He might have been a bit rough with Lupin's cock when he was quaking in the throes of pleasure, so he caresses it more softly, now, as an apology. The hardness feels so good in his hand, something concrete, that reassures him that Lupin isn't letting himself be fucked only for his sake.
"I'm already yours," Jigen says softly.
Even when lust recedes, he can still feel he's not himself, he can feel words fighting to pass his mouth when they should stay buried. These ones are safe, because they're obvious.
Some others aren't. He thinks bitterly, but you'll never be mine. So many darker thoughts are flying in his head, and he's grateful that they won’t let themselves be grasped and gathered into coherent sentences.
All the ways you're touching me, all the words that make me feel like you love me, how many women have flourished under this? Have believed every word of it? Have thought that you were perfect, that you were everything?
I was happy, you know? Fully happy with intimate companionship and distant dreams. But all this might break something in me, make me need this. Break the balance I managed to build.
He bites on Lupin's shoulder to keep his mouth shut.
Lupin groans, but presses back against him, his lean body rubbing against Jigen’s cock, his hand reaching to grab his ass. Already Jigen is growing hard again. Already, he wants again to take and give everything.
"On your back," Lupin orders. Jigen is too happy to comply, even more so when Lupin crawls over Jigen’s naked body, his step light and his skin hot, puts his hard cock on display. For the first time, Jigen is wondering if Lupin isn't affected by the pollen too. He can't see how it would have happened, he doesn't want to even think about it, but it would explain things. The idea is a frustrating one, mixing tastes of relief, bitterness and worry.
Then Lupin caresses Jigen’s balls, and takes him into his mouth again, and Jigen forgets to think about why all of this is happening.
He closes his eyes, until the feeling of Lupin's mouth on his cock is filling his whole mind. He wonders briefly how he learned to do this. He doesn't like that though, wanting to imagine men in Lupin's life even less than women, so he opens his eyes again. Lupin's cock is still hard and Jigen feels a deep and sharp need to taste him here too.
Also, he was trying to apologize for something.
He takes hold of his cock, tests how he can twist the angle, licks it just under the head. The salty taste is so arousing it makes him buckle his hips, it makes his balls pulse in want.
Lupin shifts his hips for him, allowing Jigen to comfortably suck on the head of his cock, while still expertly playing with Jigen's, and it becomes confused, what is pumping pleasure in Jigen's whole body and mind, nerves he didn't know he had.
Jigen feels this anxious bliss again, being hungry and needy for something he actually gets, like a cigarette after a long period of tense work. He could get used to this. He could get addicted to this. He doesn't want to, but he wants to interrupt this even less.
*
Jigen's mouth is tender, almost worshipful on his cock, making Lupin throb all over; he moans around Jigen's cock, holding the head between his lips as he loops his fingers around the shaft, stroking it slowly. His other hand is still cradling Jigen's balls, caressing them with utmost care; they feel like warm weights on his palm. He teases the slit on the tip of Jigen's cock with his tongue, laughing a little when Jigen's hips buck.
"Easy there," he chides gently.
His thoughts are getting ever hazier, less coherent, but he still has enough wits in him to worry about the pollen. The pollen has its physical effects that Lupin is feeling now - the heightening of his senses, his awareness of Jigen, of himself, of everything - but it gains its main power from their emotions; the further they go on, the more they'll drain themselves, and by the end the physical effects of the pollen should be easy to ride out. They just have to keep going.
Lupin lets the head of Jigen's cock slide out of his mouth, rubbing his cheek against the whole length of Jigen's arousal, his eyes sliding shut. His nostrils are full of Jigen's scent, his musk, his tongue is coated with Jigen's salty taste. He thinks he can still smell the whiskey on them both. He still tingles from their first kiss.
"Don't leave me."
His eyes snap open. Fuck.
Jigen’s first reaction is a dismissive snort.
"Like I would, ever," Jigen answers, letting Lupin’s cock slide out of his mouth. But then he falls into a silence again, and Lupin’s nerves grow taut. For a moment, neither of them moves or says anything, and Lupin thinks he might go crazy from the sound of his own thundering heartbeat.
"If we're talking about this I want to see your face!" Jigen says, almost snapping at him.
Lupin tries to convince himself that he doesn't want to talk about this. But it's not true; it's his real fear that slipped off his tongue, that is now turning the air between them heavy. He has no idea what he will do if he sees Jigen's face when he feels like this, but now that Jigen has demanded face to face conversation, Lupin can't turn it down. Reluctantly, he pulls his hips away from Jigen's reach and starts to turn around.
"Okay." Of course, the smart thing to do now would be to sit down on the sofa and insist that Jigen sit with him, but time to be smart is over; instead Jigen remains prone and Lupin just turns around on top of him so they're facing each other. Even then, there is still a chance to back off. He stares down at Jigen, his elbows bracketing Jigen's head, his hips hovering over Jigen's.
Jigen’s face is a mix of emotions: frustration, yearning, fear. Lupin’s hands find Jigen's face, clasping it like they did in the beginning of this. But his mouth feels even dryer than it did then, and the words that usually come so easily to him are lost to him.
"I owe you the same freedom you have given me," he says. "If you want it after this is over, you will have it." He almost can't bear to look Jigen in the eyes, not when his own sting this much.
"But I don't want you to go." Lupin bends, resting his forehead against Jigen's. He rests his whole body against Jigen's, in part because he can't stand the lack of contact, in part because he can't stop shaking. "Please, don't let this be the reason you will."
Jigen is quiet, again so long that Lupin grows pained.
“Aren’t you the one who usually gets bored of people when they tell you they love you?”
The words are harsh, making Lupin shudder. But he doesn’t have a chance to react when Jigen speaks up again, his voice softer now: "I'm unfair. Maybe you could pretend nothing happened. Maybe you could go back to before, and mean it. I'm the one who will mess it up, it's what you think? You're probably right."
"I don't think that," Lupin says, but Jigen's words are giving him pause. What does he want to happen after this? The comfort of what was before, or the unknown future? Is there any chance of returning to the former? The latter frightens him, but if there is a future in the first place- it's so much to think about. Lupin doesn’t know where to start, if he even dares to start.
Jigen grabs him by the waist and tugs him fully down on top of him, their cocks coming to contact. On an instinct, Lupin wraps his arms around Jigen’s neck, bringing their foreheads together, staring Jigen into his worried eyes.
"Ask me once again to stay with you, ask me to stay forever, and I will," Jigen says, his voice hoarse. He looks and sounds so, so bare, making Lupin shudder.
"Stay with me forever," he says, not even needing to think about it. "Please, Jigen, please."
He kisses Jigen, putting all his need and despair and love into it. Jigen responds to him, one hand finding its way on the top of Lupin’s head to stroke his hair, the other reaching down to cup him by the ass. Their cocks throb and twitch together, their respective pulses almost in sync.
*
Lupin begging him for something he’s too ready to give - holding him, kissing him - this is the part Jigen wants to commit to his memories forever, because he certainly was never able to imagine that far. He wants to answer, he wants to promise again, but for now, he wants even more to give him one more long, sloppy kiss, one of his hands caressing his hair, the other cupping his ass.
How is it a question? Lupin is his love, Lupin is his best friend, he's the only bit of durable joy Jigen has found in his life, and maybe at one time he was stupid enough to try to prove himself he didn't need him, but that time has long passed.
"I'll follow you everywhere," Jigen promises, between kisses. This is something he's sure he would have been able to promise even without the pollen. Even if he's still burning with lust, his hips uncontrollably twisting under Lupin's weight, it makes him feel like himself.
He wonders how much of himself Lupin is.
"Do you think you were exposed to the pollen?" Jigen asks.
"Yes," Lupin says, stroking his fingers through Jigen's hair. "Different exposure, but nevertheless. It's a fiendish thing." He kisses Jigen almost softly, eyes too bright, like he’s close to tears. He doesn’t explain anything. And then, like it’s the most urgent thing in the world, Lupin uses one of his arms to grasp Jigen’s cock, and lowers his hips down, rubbing his entrance about the head.
"We need some catharsis, Jigen," he whispers against Jigen's lips, so close his breath is like a kiss. "Let everything out, everything you want to say to me. I'll do the same."
"I want you so much," Jigen breathes. Lupin is lowering himself onto his pulsing cock, and it makes his pleasure come in sharp, almost intolerable bursts. He grabs his ass, and moans.
The pollen makes him want to talk again. To say everything, and at this point, it's mostly dark fears and ugly jealousy.
"I see what you mean," he confesses, "I feel it. But you understand there are things I don't want to say to you, right?"
Jigen can see Lupin's smile vanish for a brief instant, and it twists his stomach to see so clearly it's his fault. He realizes only now how happy Lupin was during all this, even when he seemed worried.
"As you wish," Lupin answers. He manages to show a bright smile again, tenderly strokes Jigen's hair out of his face. "Then we'll keep going until it's over."
He sits up, sliding his hands down from Jigen's face to his neck, to his chest. He bites his lip and starts to ride him.
Jigen could believe his carefree attitude, if he hadn’t seen a glimpse of what’s under it.
"Wait," he says, "I mean..."
He doesn't want to say everything, but Lupin has been doing things he didn't want to do, for Jigen’s sake, since all this started. So he starts letting it out. He doesn’t know when it will stop, the gates open, maybe to things he didn’t realize yet.
"I'm afraid," he says. "I'm afraid that when it's finished, I’ll keep wanting you, and that will make you uncomfortable. Did you take some pollen on purpose, to be able to do this with me? I thought you liked only girls, but you sure are not fucking me right now like someone who only fucked girls, so, I don't understand..."
The words come in short breaths, because Lupin is still riding him, tight and hot and perfect and too highly skilled. Jigen would give up this and anything for Lupin to show him again a smile that's not fake.
*
Lupin's heart aches over Jigen's words. He cups Jigen's cheek, stroking it with his thumb as he continues to ride him, biting his lip as Jigen throbs hotly inside him.
"I'm afraid too," he admits. "I'm afraid that the moment this is over, you will shut me out, walk away and never look back, and I have no idea what I'll do if that happens. I can't stand the idea of waking up in the morning and knowing that you won't be there."
He smiles, even though part of him wants to cry.
"No, I didn't take the pollen on purpose. Yes, I have been with men before. They- they did not matter." He takes Jigen in balls-deep, gasping at the sensation of being so full. "You do, Jigen. You're the one who does." He seizes around Jigen's cock, his own cock pulsing in time with Jigen's.
"I won't walk away from you, ever!" Jigen says again, something like offense in his voice. "I stayed behind you as I honestly believed I had every chance to die for you, and I didn't mind. I stayed when I was itching with jealousy when you took girls to bed. I stayed when you chose your Fujiko over me again and again. I thought you knew at least that much."
Jigen’s hands are running all over Lupin’s body now, almost with despair, before grabbing his wrists. It’s a lot to take, so much sensation, so much emotion, and Lupin can’t gather his tongue to say what he wants to say - I knew, but everything can change so fast - when Jigen speaks up again:
"And you? Something more you wanted to tell me?"
His voice is deep with sadness, as if this is a goodbye. Lupin can’t stand it, and reaches out to grasp Jigen by his face again.
"I'm sorry it happened this way," he breathes. "I never thought this would happen, I didn't dare to dream of it. It's like there has always been a line drawn between us, one that we weren't supposed to cross. We should have crossed it, Jigen. We should have thought about it and realized what wonders waited for us."
Lupin had insisted that they should talk; now, he leans down and kisses Jigen, with greed, hunger, endless need. He bounces up and down on Jigen's cock, going faster.
"I love you," he whispers when their mouths part. "I know it doesn't sound much when it comes from my mouth, but please believe me." He fears it isn’t enough, but he tries to think otherwise. The alternative is too much to even consider.
*
Jigen has so many cynical things to answer. I'm not sorry if the alternative was it never happening at all. You were the only one to see a line here, I was dreaming of it a bit too much. You didn't answer about Fujiko, so I guess you'll do it again without feeling any regret at all.
But despite what Lupin asked, he can't give him all his bitterness, not when Lupin seems so bright and optimistic about them. Not when Lupin kisses him and fucks him like he would die without him, and Jigen answers in kind.
“I love you,” Lupin says again, and Jigen needs this in his life. The words, the touch. He just needs him.
He shifts his hips, bends his knees, to make Lupin's acrobatic position a bit easier. He's very close to orgasm again, but he tries to make it last. The fact he can do it, even think about it, probably proves that the pollen will stop acting soon.
He palms Lupin's cock again. He remembers having it in his mouth, and he feels almost light-headed. He wants to laugh.
"I love you too," he answers, because it's true, always was.
Lupin comes for him, spilling his seed all over Jigen’s hand. His hips keep moving, his ass keeps squeezing around his cock, offering him sweet longing and bliss.
"I love you," Lupin says again, kissing his lips again, looking so happy. Jigen could listen to this forever. He briefly wishes to dare him to tell it again, when he will be out of the pollen's influence.
He comes again, pleasure dancing through his nerves, spilling in Lupin's ass. He doesn't think he will come back from this one. He should feel relieved about being free, but part of him feels bereft.
He tries to assess his own feelings. He doesn't get hard again. He still wants to kiss Lupin, but that is normal, easy to hold back. He does it, though, but very softly, on the lips, without tongue.
His sight feels clearer. No, it's not true. It feels like he’s able to concentrate on something else than every part of Lupin's body and smile that ignites desire in him, and it's the first time he sees the bruises around his mouth.
"I hurt you," he whispers. He looks at Lupin's body, the hickeys and bite marks and so many bruises he doesn't remember leaving, and feels hot shame under his skin. "Are you... do you need something?"
*
Lupin's heart, which seems to be brimming with emotion, feels warm when Jigen kisses him; he returns the soft, delicate touch, just as gently. For a moment, with the pollen gone, with Jigen there, everything feels right. Clear. Clean.
But when they part, and he sees that Jigen is starting to look devastated, a cold spreads into Lupin's belly.
"No, I'm fine," he says, grasping Jigen by the shoulders. He wants to grimace as the rash movement makes every mark on his body sing, but he holds it back; this is nothing he can't take.
"How about you? How do you feel?" He strokes Jigen's shoulders, hoping to reassure. But he can see it’s not working; Jigen’s eyes only grow darker the longer he looks at Lupin, taking note of bruises on his hips, his teeth grinding together, until he finally pulls away from Lupin. Jigen turns his back on Lupin as he grabs the whiskey and drags their empty glasses over to it. He fills the glasses, offering one to Lupin without looking at him while he gulps his own down in one take.
All of that makes Lupin feel icy cold inside, his heartbeat impossibly loud in his ears. Jigen sits on the edge of the couch, still not looking at him, and Lupin awkwardly takes the glass of whiskey offered to him, at a loss about what to do. His brain, his sharpest tool, has been rendered helpless.
He sits down next to Jigen, wanting to touch him. But he sees the tension in Jigen's shoulders and spine, and he doesn't dare.
Has his worst nightmare come to pass? Is he seconds away from watching his partner walk away forever?
"Is that it?" he asks, voice full of tension. "Got nothing to say?"
*
Jigen still wonders how he was able to hurt Lupin this way, how he barely noticed. If anyone else had hurt Lupin this way, and Lupin played it down this way, Jigen would resent them with passion.
He has boring apologies on his tongue that Lupin won't accept and promises of eternal love that Jigen no longer feels are proper to give, and why are words so hard to find now?
He doesn't want to hurt Lupin again, but he feels like he's hurting him right now by acting exactly like he planned, what was it? You will shut me out.
Jigen would very much like to wear clothes right now, clean clothes, but he sure won't leave Lupin alone. He would also like Lupin to wear something, to hide the bruises, but they would still be there anyway.
He feels like he forgot how to just have a drink between friends, and can't learn how to do it between lovers. Is it what they are now? Is it what they might be, if they dared to touch each other?
This fucking pollen made them go far too fast. Lupin was right, it shouldn't have happened like this.
But Jigen was right too, it's better than nothing. He lowers his head, a tiny smile on his lips.
"You love me," he repeats with wonder.
He hopes it's enough. He hopes later he can feel like he deserves it.
Lupin’s hand rests on his naked back, stays here, so warm. Accepting Jigen’s turmoil, and his doubts.
"I do," he whispers very softly. Jigen relaxes under his touch, just a bit.
Maybe this will do for now. Maybe this can be a start of something,