Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Today was a bad day for leonardo. He was overly stressed for no reason.

He woke up and just felt all sorts of wrong. It was cold in the lair, but the blue clad turtle ignored it. For some reason he always seemed to be more sensitive to the weather than his brothers. They loved the snow during the winter and always had fun during summer nights.

It was just a weakness, leo pushed it aside.

His brain felt flurry, he could think clearly but not about a particular thing. He was hyper aware of every feeling in his body. He could feel his blankets loosely around him like they werent meant to be there, the back of his neck itched, it felt like there was something on his foot, there was a dull ache in his shoulder from training yesterday. Everything felt wrong.

He could hear everything. His brothers were already up, which was wrong because leonardo was always the first one awake. It was an older brother thing.

The others werent being particularly loud but God he could hear them perfectly and it hurt his head. He could hear the rumble of the cars above as well as the water running through the sewer pipes.

On days like this leonardo would usually just lock himself in his room or the dojo, meditating or training depending on the feeling.

He had a feeling today that wouldnt work.

Not too long after he woke up, there was a knock at his door that made him flinch.

So it was one of those days. Super.

what the hell is wrong with me - leo thought

"leoooooooo are you awake?" it was mikey.

Of course it was mikey, hes probably the only one out of his brothers that wouldnt hesitate to bother him at any time of day or think twice that there might be a reason he wasnt around.

"y-yea mikey, ill be out in a minute!" he cursed himself for stuttering, trying to force his voice to be as loud as possible when in reality he was barely able to speak.

"alright bro just dont take too long cause raphies gonna eat all the food!" the orange clad turtle called out once more before footsteps led away from the door.

In reality leo really didnt want to eat. He knew he'd be able to hear himself and his family chewing the entire time. Someone would end up bickering and theyd get loud and shouty.

He didnt want food in his mouth, especially not any of mikeys cooking. He loves his brother and his cooking but it was always a slimy and soft concoction, and leonardo just couldnt handle that texture today.

Taking a deep breath, he tied up his mask and other 'clothing' items he wore as well as his katanas before making his way towards the kitchen.

"look whos finally awake, sleeping beauty over here" Raphael mocks from his spot at the table.

"hey leo howd you sleep? you're usually up before all of us" donatello asks curiously. Just a harmless question as a greeting, nothing more.

"fine. meditating in my room and lost track of time i guess" Leo forced out quietly.

He was lying of course, but no one noticed that specifically. Their worries werent eased though, their perfect older brother never lost track of time.

well except for those times - donnie thinks.

Those times where leos passed out from dehydration because he, mother hen you must stay healthy constantly worried about his brothers, forgot to drink water and hadnt had any in 2 days. Or all those times where he'll forgot to eat when he doesnt get reminded by his brothers sitting down for meals.

And why was leo meditating in his room this early in the morning anyways?

He hadnt been meditating and he hadnt slept well. He tossed and turned majority of the time he was trying to sleep.

The four semi-nocturnal sleep schedules were already messed up because they mostly went out during the night so they werent seen, but naturally they liked being awake during the day to hang out with april and casey. so sometimes it was a mix. They usually went out on patrol around 11pm, and stayed out for around 2 hours depending on whether it was a standard patrol or a set mission. They would usually try to be back at the lair before 4am and asleep before 6am.

"all cool bro! sit down i made you a plate. eggs and baconnnn with special ingredients! hint- they go on top of pizza!" mikey beamed excitedly as he hurried leo to sit in his usual spot where a plate was already placed and full.

It was scrambled eggs mixed with bacon, pepperoni and cheese. It didnt look horrible and raph and donnie were both eating and enjoying it.

It couldnt be too bad, he was sure it tasted fine.

Leo was right; the food tasted as good as expected, but he couldnt get over the slimy texture or way it sounded when he was chewing.

The younger brothers kept eating their food, occasional bickering that occasionaly got a little loud and startled leo out of his daydreams while he pushed his food around with his fork. He zoned out while trying to block out the chewing of food.

"-eo. leo! hello?" Leos head snapped up from his plate at the voice. Now all of his brothers were looking at him.

"i called out to you like four times dude" mikey grumbled overdramatically as if he was being ignored.

"sorry, whats up?" he half mumbled, trying to avoid eyecontact for too long. It made him uncomfortable sometimes, he always thought it was odd.

"you... you okay leo?" donnie asked warily.

He tried to sound non-accusing, knowing his big brother had a tendency to hide things like how he felt.

why cant i just be normal- look leo now they're worried about you! just be normal for once in your life.

"yea man you've hardly touched your food, if ya dont want it ill take it! mikeys cookin was actually good for once" raph interrupted dispite mikeys protests.

Leo pushed the plate towards the middle of the table, motioning for them to take whatever off his plate that they'd like.

Mikey and Raph started to fight over who got their big brothers food while leo just watched amused with a small smile.

"leo you know you've gotta eat. not hungry or something?" donnie asked softly.

The purple clad turtle was closer to the youngest of their brothers out of anyone, but leonardo and him had always had a special connection. They just understood eachother, and every now and then donnie noticed things about his older brother.

Things like what was happening today.

He had a theories about his brothers and their issues. Everyone was aware mikey had ADHD, and raph had his anger issues. Donnie himself believed he had mild OCD and anxiety. Leo definetly had some anxiety disorder, that much they were all sure of. But he couldnt help but think there was something else too it. It was hard to determine since leonardo was so secretive and always hid anything negative or difficult about his life- heck they all had pretty similar lives. Any time he tried to ask his brothers questions about his health he was immediately shut down.

Then again, he wasnt a trained psychologist.

Leo only nodded at the previous question and offered his reassuring "everythings okay" smile.

Donnie knew better, he couldnt shake the feeling something was up with his older brother.

The purple clad turtle decided to begin testing a theory hes had for a long time.

He began signing their turtle sign language they made up as kids.

'are you sure you're okay' he signed.

The turtle sign language, or Tsl like donatello like to call it, was something they made when they were kids and found out about Asl.

Mikey managed to learn majority of the basic phrases. Raph used to know, but now can only understand basic phrases and words and can barely sign them.

Leonardo and donatello were fluent in the made up language, as well as Asl. The oldest had always had a love for learning languages. He was fluent in Asl, Tsl, English and Japanese. He had pushed the thought that Tsl would be a good tool to have even if his brothers only understood the basics and forced himself to learn it perfectly, while the genius was the one who created the language in the first place so it made sense for him to know it off by heart.

'im fine don' leonardo signed back.

Donnie smiled at his brother and finished his breakfast. Inside his head his gears were turning.

Leo only uses Tsl when they're on a mission and need to communicate silently, or when he didnt want to talk. He'd never admit to not wanting to talk and usually force himself to mumble out a few words to prove it but sometimes he couldnt... was he going non-verbal?

His thought process was interrupted by his brothers leaving the table. Leo left the room without a word while mikey and raph went to the sink with all the plates.

"hey guys?" donnie got up from the table to take his plate the sink.

"whats up bro?" mikey answered while flicking water at a fuming raphael.

"did you notice leo acting different?" he continued. If they didnt he was going to explain why, but he wanted to see if he was the only one who noticed their older brothers mood.

"yea he got out of bed after us. that was weird cause mr perfect is always up first" raph answered with a concerned frown.

"and he went all quiet and funny. he didnt realise i was talking to him and barely ate my amazing food" mikey pouted.

"yea and now that i think about it he does this all the time. donnie whats up with him?" raph began to get frusterated. Was his brother hiding something from them?

"i honestly dont know" donnie sighed. He wished he had all the answers but he didnt.

"leo's gonna be fine dudes! its leooo. we've got patrol soon and im sure he'll be back to his normal big bro self" mikey beamed positively. He was sure his big brother would be okay.

The three soon left the kitchen, going to do their own thing until it was time to leave the lair.

-

"alright fearless what're we doing tonight?" raph called out from behind the leader.

The four were currently running across rooftops and leo really just wanted to go home. He wanted to go lay in his bed and hide from everything, maybe watch space heroes to make himself feel better.

"the purple dragons were planning to rob this warehouse, we go there and stop them then go home" leo replied as loudly as he could but the words came out just barely at a normal tone.

"okay guys this is the place" donnie stated when looking up from the map on his T-phone.

Now all they had to do was wait for the purple dragons to show up.

Chapter Text

Three hours went by and nothing had happened. The four were started to get restless and bored.

"okay when are these punks going to show up leo cause im pretty sure they're not" raph yelled out in frustration.

"they'll b-be here" leo replied quietly, cursing his stuttering and hoping no one noticed.

"are you sure cause they're not here and we've wasted the entire night all because you cant admit to bein wrong!" raph went on.

He started rattling off something about how this was stupid and their oh so great fearless leader was stupid, then mikey told raph to calm down and that it wasnt a big deal.

That started an entire fight between the youngest and second oldest. Soon Donatello stepped in, telling them both to cool their shells and stop arguing like children.

Soon all three of them were yelling at eachother, and leo didnt have the energy to stop them. He wasnt a part of this and they werent doing anything, why should he stop them from fighting constantly?

Unconciously the blue clad turtle brought his hands up to cover his ears while watching the warehouse. His brothers were way to overwhelming at the moment and all he wanted to do was go home- but he was sure the purple dragons would show up.

Soon enough the purple dragons did show up, but the younger three were still arguing.

Leonardo unsheathed his swords loudly. That got his brothers attention.

"stealth until we're certain of what they're doing. fight on my signal" The leader said simply in a quiet voice, trying to sound as authoritive as possible. It wasnt working, usually he could put on his leader voice and they'd listen to him for atleast five minutes.

hey atleast they're listening this time

The four jumped across the rooftops and to the warehouse. They entered through a window near the roof and watched from the shadows.

The purple dragons werent a big threat, they could take them down easily and there werent too many of them there tonight.

The gang members began to search for things to steal. Raphael looked towards the leader, but the oldest shook his head in a silent not yet.

The red clad turtle didnt listen and charged into action.

This only stressed leonardo out more.

why does he never follow what i say? especially the important things?

The younger two followed out their immediate older brother, then leo joined the fight.

The fight wasnt too bad, they all held their own. Leonardo took majority of the criminals as per usual. If they werent targeting him because they were aware he was the leader, he'd be trying to take out as many of them as possible to protect his brothers.

He quickly knocked out the last guy that came towards him with his fist, looking down at his bloodied knuckles that were a mix of his own and others blood. He wasnt using his swords as much tonight. He craved the pressure of pain and dull ache in his body. It was soothing.

He looked around for his brothers,

Raphael was handling his own against 2 goons, looking almost finished with the fight.

Donatello had just knocked out the last of his attackers and was making sure they weren't getting up.

He looked over to Michaelangelo and saw him fighting one person fairly well. He looked to almost be finished with his fight as well, kicking his attacker in the face and watching him topple over.

Then in the corner leo noticed someone sneaking up on his little brother with a knife. Mikey was never as focused as himself during fights, none of them were. They always assumed the fight was over before it was.

He tried to call out but his words failed him. So he did the only thing he could think of, he ran over and pushed his brother out of the way.

Leonardo had already put his swords away, so he swung his arm to punch the attacker, the knife slicing his shoulder.

not too bad... its probably going to need stiches though

The punch disarmed the man, then leonardo sent him flying with a kick to his chest.
The fight was over, they heard faint sounds of police sirens slowly getting louder. He motioned for his brothers to leave and quickly left the building.

They jumped across the rooftops of new york once again. Once they were a safe distance away, raph called out.

"Oi fearless, take a breather we're far enough away now!" the red clad turtle yelled out.

"leo where are you going?" he heard mikey yell out.

"leo!" donnie joined in at calling out to his brother.

Leonardo heard the voices, but he didnt want to stop. He couldnt. He needed to run, he needed the pressure of the cold wind hitting his face. He was too wound up now to stop, he needed to move.

It was soothing, his body had a dull ache and he was extremely overstimulated. Everything felt gross. There was blood dripping from his arm and hands, it was sticky and warm.

After a while he stopped running, letting out a shaky breath he didnt know he was holding in.

Leo all the sudden became hyper aware of the blood on his hands and the lack of pressure on his body. He started shaking his hands in a desperate attempt to soothe whatever meltdown was currently occuring. His breathing quickened.

He didnt know how much time had passed, but at some point he heard his brothers voices behind him.

"LEO" he flinched and immediately stopped shaking his hands so violently. He pulled his hands close to his chest and just shook one of them, flicking his wrist like a rag doll.

"leo what the hell man?! why'd you run off like that! we've been looking for you for the past 20 fucking minutes!" raph yelled out angrily.

must have ran pretty far then... donnie can track everyone through their T-phones

"Raph stop it" donnie yelled out trying to keep his angry brother away from the other.

The red clad turtle ran up to his older brother, giving him a shove. When leo only fliched and didnt respond the others grew worried.

Raph pulled his hand back from his brother, looking down and seeing semi-dried blood coating his hand.

"guys hes bleeding!" raph called out, making the younger two instantly move closer.

Leo moved away when they started to come closer to him, they were on the edge on the building now. He turned around fully, his hand still shaking near his chest, and looked towards his brothers.

Their eyes widened.

"leo what- are you okay? youre bleeding! a-and crying!" mikey cried out scared. He had never seen his older brother like this before. On leonardos bad days they had just barely seen him. He'd hide away. But they went on a mission this time and it made everything worse.

He didnt want them to realise something was wrong with him. They didnt need to know he wasnt normal.

The orange youngest tried to move closer, but his immediate older brother stopped him.

"guys wait. stop for a second" donnie said as calmly as he could.

He had a feeling he knew what was wrong, there were signs. The nervous stimming, the overwhelming amount of emotions, lack of speech, avoidance.

If he was right, his brother was currently overstimulated and having a panic attack during a meltdown.

"what- donnie what the fu-" raph started but was stopped by donnies hand.

"just. give me a minute raph, alright. i think i know whats going on." he whispered to his 2 brothers before turning back to the oldest.

"hey leo... we were worried. can you breathe for me? deep breaths" donnie tried to guide leo through his breathing to get it back to normal.

At this rate, leo hyperventilating wouldnt be mixing too well with the blood loss. He needs to calm down before he passes out.

Donnie spent the next 10 minutes exaggerating his breathing to help leonardo to copy. Soon enough his breathing became semi-regular, more on the stable side and donnie tried to inch closer to his brother.

"leo its getting cold and you're hurt, you think we could go back to the lair? you know how prone you are to getting sick" donnie said gently, trying not to startle the overwhelmed turtle.

Leonardo, ever since the four brothers were turtle tots, has always been the one who got constantly sick. He went out in the rain for a little too long? fever. Played in a puddle in the sewer and didnt dry himself properly? coughing and sneezing. Refused to get out of the bath when it started to get cool? scratchy throat and tired. Was out in the cold? caught a cold.

His immune system was terribly weak and none of them really knew why, especially why it was leo out of all of them. He was the most resistant to everything but somehow always managed to catch a cold and develop a fever.

Donnie held out his hand hoping his brother would take it.

Leos crying had subsided for now, leaving his mask damp and his eyes tinted red around the edges.

Everything wired in leos brain continuously told him to protect and aid to his families every request. To keep them safe and happy.

He looked at his younger brother for a few seconds, then took the shaking hand from his chest and grabbed his hand.

Donatello smiled reassuringly and tugged his brother along, shooting a look that said 'dont say a word' towards the other two who just watched confused and concerned.

What the absolute shell.

The brothers walked most of the way back to the lair, running a little. They were surprisingly only a 10 minute walk to the manhole closest to the lair. Donnie kept a firm grip on his brothers hand, pulling him along gently and occasionally looking back to check on him.

Leonardo kept his head down. He couldnt believe he was acting like this infront of his brothers- but he couldnt handle tucking it away. He couldnt speak or breathe. He, for once, couldnt hide.

He failed.

Soon enough they were back in the sewers and almost at the lair. No one had spoken this entire time and leo was thankful for it. His brothers voices were always too loud, although donnies voice had been surprisingly soft most of the day.

"so leo... when did your arm get cut? was it from that dude you saved me from?" mikey asked nervously. The silence felt so awkward to him, he wanted to make his brother feel better but he didnt know what was wrong.

Leo just gave a small nod in return to the question, not bothering to look up. He didnt notice the way mikeys face faltered into guilt for a second, then brightening back up.

"dude that was so cool! you totally kicked his shell and didnt even use any weapons. you're totally awesome" That time leonardo met his brothers eyes but quickly looked back down when realising.

he still thinks im awesome after this?

They had finally made their way back to the lair and immediately all the attention was back on leo.

"okay since no one else is hurt i need your help. raph can you get ice, a wash cloth and a bowl of water while i get the medical supplies set up. Mikey can you take leo to sit on the bed in the med bay bit of my lab?" donnie ordered around, letting go of leos hand to walk towards his lab.

Raph let out a few grumbles but didnt protest and walked off into the kitchen. Mikey smiled brightly at his older brother and told him to follow him into the med bay.

They got to the room and mikey told leo to sit down on the gurney. The blood loss, lack of sleep food and water was starting to get to him. It wasnt a great feeling, he felt sick.

He must have shown it on his face, because mikey all of a sudden made a panicked face before rushing to find a trash can. He lifted it to his brother just in time for his brother to gag into the bucket. Barely anything came out, only spitting up stomach acid so the retching burned his throat.

Mikey took the bin away once leo was done dry heaving. Soon raph and donnie came over with all the supplies.

Raph handed leo a cup of water and placed the bowl down next to him.

"heard gagging, thought you might want water. havent seen you have any all day" raph guessed, and it was true. He hadnt had any water.

Donnie approached leo with a needle and he almost dropped the cup after finishing the water, luckily raph caught it.

Leo hated needles. Everyone knew, thats why they always tried to stitch him up when he was unconcious, which was most the time because leo rarely ever sustained injuries needing stitching unless it was very bad.

"okay ive got to clean the wound, then stitch it up. I know you hate needles and it isnt that big of a cut but its deep and still bleeding. it needs stitches whether you like it or not" Donatello said in a stern voice.

Last time they had to stitch up a particularly nasty wound on his leg and leo had literally tried to run away. He wasnt able to take off very quickly at the start with the injured leg and was caught, which the boys were thankful for. Knowing their brother he could have hid from them for forever if he wanted to.

Their fearless leader wasnt totally fearless afterall.

Leonardo didnt respond and kept his eyes down, playing with his hands in his lap. That reminded donatello of his bloodied knuckles and made a mental note to check them.

The purple clad brother cleaned the wound and wiped majority of the blood off of leos arm, the reached for the needle once again.

Leonardo wasnt scared of the pain or anything, he just absolutely dispised the idea of something going inside his skin. It made his stomach turn.

"alright im going to start now. Ill go as quick as i can but you have to sit still" The second youngest quickly glanced at his uninjured brothers, motioning for them to be on watch in case leo tried to run.

Leo tried to keep his body as relaxed as possible but his hands cleched tighly in his lap as he brother sewed him put like a stuffed animal.

His eyes were screwed shut and his head was down. Around 10 minutes later the stitching was done with the wound wrapped and leo could relax a bit.

"see i told you it wouldnt take long. let me look at your hands now" His purple clad brother held his hands out for him to put his own hands out.

He did, donatello began inspecting his knuckles and fingers to make sure nothing was broken. He cleaned the blood off his brothers hands and then wrapped then in bandages.

While this was happening, leonardos legs were swaying back and forth as he couldnt fiddle with his hands.

"all done" donnie said with the smile and backed away to put the medical supplies in their respected areas.

"hey leo?" donnie called out from where he was in his lab as he shoved a medkit into a cupboard.

Leo looked towards his little brother with a slightly confused look on his face.

"We're going to be talking about that lack of self-preservation soon mister. you ran into a knife with no weapons, you could have gotten seriously injured" The purple clad turtle gave his older brother a stink eye before returning back to his normal, soft smile.

Leo went back to fiddling with his hands, picking at the bandages while swaying his legs. His eyes were trained down like they had been this entire time.

"alright bro im gonna go make you some food!" mikey smiled brightly.

Leo tried to stop and talk to him but his words failed him, mikey had already turned away so he couldnt see him.

he didnt understand why he couldnt just speak. what the hell was wrong with him.

Raphael noticed the attempt at communication and called out of his little brother.

"hey mikey wait! leo what did you want to say?" raph called out then turned to his older brother.

Leo lifted his shaky hands and signed.

'i dont want any food thats slimy or soft please'

Raphs eyes widened at the sign language, he was hoping to hear his brothers voice.

"okay uh... all i got from that was dont want food slimy soft and- please?" raph asked in confusion.

Hes probably going to need to brush up on his Tsl if this was going to be regular thing. The red banded turtle hoped it wouldnt.

"ohh so he doesnt want to eat any food that has a slimy soft texture? you got it bro!" mikey called out and once again ran off.

Raph just turned to his older brother with a questioning look to ask is that what you said?

Leonardo nodded his head and went back to picking at his bandages.

Suddenly there was a bang from the kitchen and mikey yelled out to let everyone know not to worry.

Leos hands immediately fliched to cover his tympana, unable to control himself. Raph reached over to put his hand on his older brothers shell comfortingly, but the blue clad turtle immediately stood up and moved away from the sudden contact.

Being touched so suddenly and on such a big part of his body made him feel, what he could only describe as icky.

Raph became panicked and started to grow frustrated. He began to yell for donnie to do something and fix it.

It was scary seeing his older brother so panicked and upset.

Donatello looked towards his oldest brother and quickly shushed the other, walking to the other side of the room to look through boxes.

He came back with a pair of beatup wireless headphones and showed them off.

"leo. these are noise cancelling headphones, theyll make everything quieter. do you want to try?" donatello asked quietly.

Leo nodded once and donnie slowly brought the headphones up to his brothers head, giving time for his hands to be removed away from his tympana, and placed them on.

The blue clad turtle immediately calmed down as all the background noise was blocked out. He felt like he could breathe again. The physical discomfort was only slightly bothering him now that the sound was gone.

"FOODS READY" They heard the youngest brother call out.

Leonardo didnt flinch from the loud noise as it was muffled from the headphones.

He was so keeping these if donnie would let him.

The three walked out into the main area of the lair and sat together. Leo took the end of the lounge, raphael next to him and then donnie on the other single couch. Mikey took a seat on the floor and handed the oldest a plate with two chocolate poptarts on it.

if mikey was only toasting pop tarts what the hell was the banging noise - donnie thought, confused at his little brothers antics.

"i stole these from raphs 'secret stash'. besides theyll help you with your blood sugar anyways!" mikey smiled thoughtfully.

"since when do you know anything about blood sugar" raph mocked. He didnt mention the pop tarts. In all honesty he didnt mind that mikey stole them to give them to their older brother. He needed the food. The red clad turtle was just glad his brother was eating.

"hey i pay attention to donnie sometimes!" mikey retorts, poking his tongue out.

"lee, just saying you'll need to eat actual food with nutritional value later. God knows when the last time you ate properly" donnie said, sighing at the poptarts.

Leo starts eating slowly and carefully. He still felt sick, he really didnt want to eat. But he was going to because his little brother made him this food (pre-made or not) and it would be rude to waste raphs poptarts.

He heard the faint sound of the tv and quickly looked up, hearing the intro to his favourite show in the entire world.

Space heroes.

The oldest reached his shaky hands up to his head and pulled the headphones down to sit next to him on the lounge.

Leo very quickly became immersed in the show, forgetting about the food and the previous needle incident. His hands gripped the couch cushions tightly while his legs kicked back and forth softly like a child as he focused all his attention towards the old tv.

Donnie made a mental note of the stimming once again. He thought about his older brothers love for space heroes, that would probably be considered an obsession. There was nothing he loved more than space heroes. Maybe a few things that came close to it. The blue clad turtle loved to read novels, adored japanese culture and anime, as well as his swords - they were very precious to him.

These were things his brother could talk about for hours upon hours with a bright smile on his face, hands flapping like maracas up and down softly. It was adorable seeing their older brother so excited and childlike about something that made him genuinely happy. None of his brothers could bare to turn him away when he was like that.

Ten minutes of space heroes had passed when raphael noticed that leo had taken one bite out of his food.

one. freaking. bite.

He scowled but his annoyance quickly fizzled out as he remembered that this was leonardo, of course he wasnt going to pay attention to something so 'insignificant' to him as eating while space heroes was playing. It wasnt because he was being stubborn and refusing his brothers, it was because his favourite thing was playing.

"leo. dude you've taken one bite. eat your food" raph huffed out in amusement.

Leonardo didnt seem to register what his brother said, breifly shushing him while still deticating all his attention to the tv.

how is it that my fearless mr perfect older brother can multitask like a god while doing our whole ninja shit but not when it came to watching tv and eating at the same time - raph thought to himself

Raphael snorted in amusement and shook his head while mikey tried to hide his giggling. Donnie sighed fondly and pressed pause on the tv remote.

That got the oldest turtles attention.

Leo turned to donnie with a frown, that was possibly meant to be intimidating if his brother didnt look like a kid who got told it was bedtime.

This only made mikey giggle more and raph smirk at donnie trying to stay strong on his decision.

"leo you need to eat or no space heroes. i mean it. if you dont eat those ill make you eat vegetable soup" donnie said sternly in the best adult voice he could muster up, and boy was he trying not to regret it because he felt like he just kicked a puppy.

its like talking to a child

Leo let out a quiet noise that could only be described as a whine. His eyes become shiny and sad looking while his bottom lip stuck out slightly in a pout as he tried to manipulate his way through this.

Leonardo himself was unaware of the affect his sadness had on his brothers and how they'd do anything in their power to cheer him up when he genuinely expressed negative emotions. He hid them away a lot and lied, so his brothers would never pay much attention to it. They could insensitive sometimes as well, especially when it came to something that stemmed from a leader argument. It was unsettling when the fearless leader looked like he was about to breakdown in tears or punch a hole through the wall.

It almost worked, but his little brother was stubborn. And there was no way raph or mikey would be any help in over-ruling donnie when it came to leos own health. That was one thing leonardo would never look after no matter how much his family tried to fix; his own health and well-being.

alright fine. ill show you where you got your stubbornness from, donatello - leo thinks

Leo stopped with the puppy eyes, to which donnie sighed with relief. He didnt know how much of his older brothers sadness he could take before he cracked. The fact that leos normal sad glance is considered puppy eyes without him even trying doesnt help.

Everyone agreed that mikey could get almost anything with his puppy eyes, but leos? They were deadly. Mostly because he rarely used them on anyone - but when he did he could probably convince shredder to have a tea party with splinter.

The oldest moved his plate off of his lap and to the side, crossing his arms and staring at the tv with a blank expression that the others were sure was supposed to be something like anger.

If donnie wasnt going to let him watch space heroes, then he wasnt going to eat. He didnt want to anyway, but he would if his brothers weren't being the biggest jerks ever right now. And that was NOT him being over dramatic.

I mean come ON this is space heroes! how dare they stop him from watching.

"ooo don see that look on leos face? thats his im not going to change my decision face! you've royally messed up dude" mikey laughs and donnie just groans, running his hands over his face.

donnie does circles in his head.

sometimes my older brother has the emotional range of a fucking tea spoon. which is weird because hes the one who can control his emotions the best out of all of us.

whatever

Donnie spent the next ten minutes trying to get leo to eat with no help from his brothers. Raphael thought this was hilarious and was rooting for his older brother. While yes he'd step in if it went to far and they couldnt get leonardo to eat, for now it was just funny to watch.

Mikey sat giggling at his older brothers attempts to sway the most stubborn out of the four. He decided to step in.

Quickly while his brother was distracted, the youngest snatched the remote from donnies grips and smiled cheekily.

"hey lee! i got the remoteeee come sit next to me!" mikey patted the floor next to him while moving back to lean against the couch.

Leo considered it for a moment, then quickly sat next to his brother with expectant eyes.

"get your food big bro. you gotta eat while you watch" the orange banded turtle says casually while pressing play on the tv as leo reaches for his plate nodding excitedly.

hes so... childlike. like hes become younger all the sudden - donatello thinks to himself

Leo took a quick bite out of his food as his eyes immediately glued to the tv. Mikey giggled at oldest brothers adorable obsession with the show. The giggle broke out into a desperate cry-laugh/wheeze when he saw donnies defeated and shocked face.

When the oranged clad turtle calmed down he noticed that leo had once again stopped eating, too immersed in his show. Mikey let out an over-dramatic sigh and brought the poptart to his older brothers face, pushing the food into his slightly open mouth.

Leo, to everyones surprise, bit down on the food and accepted being hand fed while his eyes sparkled at the tv.

Leonardo 'fearless leader doesnt accept help from anyone needs to be perfect' Hamato was willingly being hand fed.

His three brothers were shocked at first, but it made complete sense that leonardo wasnt caring for such trivial things at the moment. They were just grateful their stubborn older brother was too occupied to be embrassed and stubborn.

Leonardo was sensitive and kindhearted. He hid it under the whole calm collected emotionless eldest child fearless leader act, but really that just wasnt all him. He just had a hatd time expressing his emotions in a way people understood.

Soon, as an episode of space heroes had finished and another had begun playing, leonardo had finished the food he was given. The adrenaline from the previous fight and breakdowns had worn off and he was now left tired and drowsy as the previous nights lack of sleep caught up to him.

"hey lee you ok?" mikey asked, scooching closer to his older brother.

Leo quickly signed 'im okay mikey' before lifting his hand to cover a yawn.

"it'd be your adrenaline finally wearing off now that you've sit and relaxed a little, it'd be why you're all the sudden tired" donnie explained.

Leo started signing once again.

'i know dee, im the oldest remember? i may not be a science guy but who do you think patched you clumsy dorks up when you were younger'

"leo i know you're treated as the oldest because you're the leader and most mature or whatever, but were the same age according to what splinter knows" Raph responds. He reaches out a hesitatant hand towards his brother, placing it on his shoulder gently.

"yea which means you're still a kid too. you dont have to hide from us and pretend you arent just as emotionally vulnerable as we are" donnie continues where raph ended, taking a seat next to his blue banded brother on the floor.

'i know, ' leo kept his hands up infront of him in sign.

The three waited for more to be said.

'its hard' he adds and drops his hands into his lap gently.

His brothers dont push him to talk about it anymore tonight, afterall he looked like he was fighting off exhaustion. Plus signing through an entire family intervention would probably prove difficult considering leos shaky hands as his got stressed and raph and mikeys limited knowledge of tsl.

he shouldn't be this tired so long after... i mean it'd make sense but i feel like there's more to it donnie throws theories around in his head -donnie thought.

The purple clad turtle reaches behind to lightly scratch leos shell, hopefully to lull him to sleep.

"lee, did you sleep ok last night?" donnie asked softly.

Leo didnt respond with an explanation, simply shaking his head no and rubbing his tired eyes.

The soothing motion of donatello rubbing his shell was sending the blue banded turtle to sleep. Mikey was quick to gently bring his older brothers head down to rest on his own shoulder, watching as leos eyes slipped shut and didnt flutter open, his breath evening out as he fell asleep.

"don hes shivering a little" mikey whispers worriedly, pulling his sleeping brother closer.

"stupid idiot probably has a cold after running around all night. in the COLD" raph mutters grumpily, letting the worry for his brother seep through.

Donnie puts a hand up to the oldest turtles forehead, groaning quietly when he feels the unusual temperature.

"raphs right, fuck ok yay sick leo. hes got a temperature and is most likely going to wake up sick." the purple clad turtles eyes scan over his sleeping brother in concern.

"dude. language." mikey scolds.

"shut it mikey leos asleep, dont pretend like youre some innocent baby who dont swear" raph rolls his eyes at mikeys feeble attempt to defend himself.

"leo swears all the time, you should hear him when hes angry training. he just doesnt like us swearing because he hates when we get in trouble from father" donnie starts removing leos gear, his swords already lean against the end of the couch after being discarded earlier.

The purple banded turtle carefully removed leos knee pads, elbow pads and unclipped the leather sash that held his swords on his back.

Suddenly a voice from the hallway appeared, making the three jump.
"where have you boys been tonight, and why can i not see leonardo" splinter said calmly. Where he was standing infront of the training dojo doors, so from where he standing he could only see red purple and orange.

"we went out to stop a purple dragons raid, and fearless is here, just sleepin" raph said casually, avoiding his fathers eye.

"mhm i see. well then my sons, mind explaining to me what happened" the boys shiver at splinters underlying tone of suspicion.

The three boys look at eachother for a second, silently considering their options. At this point they had to tell their father, he might be able to help leonardo with whatever was going on with him anyways. Donnie had theories and he needed information from splinter to confirm them.

"okay sensei me and raph will meet you in the dojo-"

"what?! but-" mikey was cut off with a glare from donatello. They went silent, waiting for splinters response.

Eventually, the rat master nodded his head and walked into the dojo, out of sight.

"im not staying behind! i wanna be included in this conversation bro" mikey complained quietly, upset but still mindful of his brother.

"mikey shut up it doesnt matter. if you wanna come get scolded by master splinter for whatever reason so badly then lets get fearless to an actual bed first" raphael flicked his little brother in the back of the head and got off the couch, coming to the face the three.

He went to shake the sleeping turtle awake but was quickly stopped by his purple banded little brother. They wanted leo to rest as much as possible, especially with the nights previous events.

The red banded turtle grumbled in protest. He was thinking about all the times leo had been extra quiet and jumpy, locking himself in his room forgetting to eat getting all dizzy from lack of water- there was a lot he had missed and brushed over.

He gently untied leos blue mask and handed it to their youngest brother.

Raph opted for picking leonardo up instead of waking him, grabbing under his legs and hoisting him up in the most comfortable position he could manage. Leo was always a light sleeper, yet didnt even stir. He just sank into the warm embrace.

man he must be tired

Carrying his older brother to his room wasnt all too difficult, though mikeys constant whispering and donnie anxiously hovering while muttering about raph dropping leo was, at the very least, very VERY annoying.

Walking into the leaders room was like walking into one of those big fancy corporation stores. Everything was neat and tidy while lined up or packed away perfectly.

Everything except for the faded blue-grey blanket that were messily sprawled across the end of the bed, likely left there this morning when he came for breakfast.

Raphael placed his older brother down as gently and smoothly as he could before pulling the discarded blankets up to his shoulders, watching as leo settled into the bed trying to bury himself in warmth.

"alright. lets go talk to splinter" he whispered, shooing his younger brothers out before leaving himself, shutting the bedroom door behind him.

-

The three youngest boys now kneel infront of splinter, explaining in detail about what happened. The detail was more so donatello could check off his mental checklist of leonardos behaviour.

"i see. did your brother explain what was troubling him?" splinter asked calmly, his voice never revealing any underlying emotion.

"no sensei, but i have a theory and i was wondering if i could ask you. what was leo like when he was little?" donatello asked curiously. Both mikey and raph looked at him confused.

why is he asking that?

"if you think it will help, then alright. your brother was quite shy as a young boy. you three were very sociable compared to your brother and often times played without him. he has loved that show, space heroes ever since i found the old tapes in the junk yard. when he began talking he could babble on about the show for hours as im sure he still does now" spinter said, smiling fondly.

"okay- okay what was he like with his things? was he messy? when did he start talking? did he throw a lot of tantrums? was there ever anything he'd repeat?" donnie fired questions at his father, listing them all off the top of his head.

Splinter closed his eyes and held his hand up to silence the purple clad turtle before continuing to speak.

"leonardo was the last one to speak out of you four. you three started speaking at a young age as regular children would, but leonardo did not utter a word until he was three. it took a long time for me to get him to start speaking full sentences at the age of 5, and even then there were times your brother refused to talk no matter how much you three or myself tried. sometimes he wouldnt even respond to his name. he threw quite a few tantrums. he'd get very upset when one of you boys would meddle with his things. he would spend all day setting his collected objects up in specific orders and lines before removing them and doing it again. he did throw quite a lot of tantrums. and he loved to jump and tap. he would tap on absolutely everything" splinter finished, snapping he eyes open and aware of his three sons infront of him.

"okay i think my theory was correct" donnie mutters, looking like hes calculating in his head.

"gonna share with the class or what?" raph asked, impatient as ever.

"i think leos autistic- and before you say anything RAPH i can explain. now obviously this is a basic dumbed down super duper quick run down so you guys can get a basic idea- leos lack of speech, or him not talking, thats him going non-verbal. today he was overwhelmed and stressed and stopped talking and hes done it before. his brain was struggling to process stimuli. today was just a non-verbal day but he forced himself to speak and it stressed him out. his 'weird obsession' with space heroes and japanese culture and his books are special interests. he talks about them for hours and doesnt realise when one of us doesn't want to listen or because hes bad at social ques and reading tone? remember how weird and rude casey and april thought he was acting towards them before they realised that was just who he was? or how many times hes come across and rude and disrespectful and angry towards us and then told us that wasnt how he felt? that wasnt him lying he just doesnt realise his tone of voice. the noise cancelling headphones help take all the sounds that were too loud away- sensory issues! leo has always hated wearing the itchy clothes more than any of us remember how anrgy he got? hes anti-social. he loves all his things neat and in order. he cant stand when we dont listen to him and dont follow the rules it makes him seriously distressed and not because hes a teachers pet but because he has a such a strong sense of justice and needs to follow the rules! and- and eating problems are common in autistic people! hes always avoided eye-contact when hes stressed or nervous or upset or anything like that it also explains the delayed speech when he was younger and all the repetitive movements he did and does now like the feet swaying and playing with his fingers and shaking his arms and hands- is stimming!- or self stimulatory behaviour and itd help him manage his emotions like anxiety, anger, fear and excitement- anxiety is also common which we know leos a very anxious person and and-" donnie rambles on.

Mikey listens intently. Hes heard of autism before and didnt know much about it but it definetly sounded like his big brother the way donnie was explaining it.

Raph was conflicted. He didnt care that his older brother was autistic, not in the way that it was bad. It didnt matter he was still his brother. This was good to know because now they might be able to be more understanding when it came to their brother. But that had meant all the things he'd argued over and given the blue banded turtle shit for werent just him being an annoying overbearing asshole mother-hen splinter junior. He genuinely couldnt help it. And that made raph a shitty brother.

"i think we get the picture, donatello thank you for explaining. this does make a lot of sense now that you have brought it to light. now it would be better if you three went to bed as it is late and you can discuss this further after sleep" splinter ushered the three boys out of the dojo.

Donnie contuined mumbling about how he'd hack into medical data bases to access offical diagnosis sources and tests and use them on leonardo tomorrow to get a more accurate result. He looked up towards his brothers and realised mikey had gone to bed, but raph was standing with a far away look in his eyes.

"raph? are you okay?"donnie asked quietly. Raphaels head snapped up towards his younger brother before lowering his eyes slightly.

"am i a shit brother?" he says it so quietly donnie almost didnt hear him.

"what?" the purple banded turtle questioned with the chance he just misheard his older brother.

"am i a shitty brother" he repeats and donnies face goes from shock to confusion.

"no you arent raph, why are you asking me that?" he asked curiously. It was like raphael to just say things like that.

"because ive been causing shit for leo since for ever! i always gave him shit because i thought it was just him being controlling and thinkin he was better than us but it isnt and all i was doing was stressin him out and makin him upset!" raphs explanation was a bit hard to understand, but donnie understood. It clicked immediately. The younger turtle softened instantly and walked up to his older brother.

"raph that doesnt make you a bad brother. we've all done stuff like that thinking leo was just being overbearing. once i go through it with him tomorrow we can talk about how we can be more accommodating for him so we can prevent him from breaking down again. its definetly happened before and will again but it doesnt mean its our fault, even little things could set off a meltdown. leo was acting funny all day yea? which means todays meltdown wasnt our fault and it wad bound to happen at some point. you arent a bad brother" donnie said softly, putting a hand on his older brothers shoulder.

It made raph feel better, knowing that even if he was a shit brother - which he now knows he isnt - and did shitty things he wasnt the only one who made those mistakes and had to learn to fix it by himself.

He wasnt alone, and he was going to make sure tomorrow that leo knew he wasnt alone too.

Chapter Text

Leo woke up the next morning to a mostly quiet lair. The water was still running and the cars were still rumbling, but it wasnt as loud today. Today was softer.

Unlike the night before, leo had slept through the entire night and felt a lot better. There werent any sounds indicating his brothers were awake yet which was perfect. He had time to himself like his usual mornings.

He felt better than he did yesterday, but now he felt worse in a different way. His head was cloudy and his nose was stuffy. His throat itched and hurt a little.

great. im probably getting sick... - he thought to himself.

The blue banded turtle got up out of bed, going to pull all his usual gear on minus his katanas. The gear itched his skin in an uncomfortable way, he decided to keep it off until later. The blue mask was tied around his face with ease, fitting like a piece of a puzzle.

Leo opened his door quietly and slipped out of his room. It was 1pm so the others shouldnt be up for a little while. Knowing his brothers they would probably want to hang out with april and casey after not seeing them yesterda-

Yesterday. All of a sudden the events from yesterday caught up to leos head. He let himself go infront of his brothers now they know how stupid and weird he was- they probably didnt want him as a leader anymore. Who would? Leo had a total freak out and they had to go find him on the top of a roof.

"leo?" there stood mikey in the hallway, rubbing his eyes tiredly like he just woke up.

Leo looked up nervously, relaxing instantly when he realised it was just his youngest brother awake and not a villian infiltrating the lair.

"hi mikey" the blue banded turtle replied quietly, mindful of the still quiet household.

Mikey immediately smiled brightly after hearing his brothers voice, practically bouncing towards leonardo.

"morning bro! can i hug?" mikey asked with his arms out.

Something in leos heart exploded at the small gesture and he nodded silently with a smile. He asked. He gave him a choice. It was comforting knowing he could choose. Mikey hugged hug tightly before latching onto one arm, tugging him through the hall-way.

"cmon lee you're gonna help me make breakfast!" he smiled brightly. Leo couldnt help but smile too.

"you know im not allowed to use the toaster mikey" leo replied, not protesting to the idea of helping his little brother.

"well duh of course im not letting you near the toaster. ill make you toast but you've gotta be there for moral support" mikey said in a matter of fact tone.

Michaelangelo was absolutely thrilled that his older brother was talking and smiling again. Yesterday had been so scary he had never remembered seeing his brother so upset. He thought about all the times leo probably went through all of that alone and was so happy he didnt have to anymore! He was going to start being more accomodating and sensitive when it came to leo, especially his sensory issues because that was practically the only thing he understood, so he wasnt as stressed all the time to try and prevent overstimulation and panic attacks.

The least he could do was get his brother to eat some breakfast, he could do that much.

They made their way to the kitchen, leo sitting criss crossed on the bench and mikey walking to get ingredients.

Suddenly leo felt himself become panicky again. The fridge was buzzing with electricity and mikey was rumbling with food packets and dishes. He couldnt help but pull his hands over his tympana to hopefully drown out the noises.

Mikey noticed movement out of the corner of his eye, turning to see his eldest brother with his hands trying to muffle noise. He quickly raced out of the kitchen, muttering a quick "wait ill be back" and running to the pit to pick up the discarded headphones from last night. He ran back into the kitchen and handed them to his big brother with a bright smile.

Leo quickly put the headphones on, smiling in relief and thanking his little brother. His heart squeezed at mikeys thoughtfulness.

They sat in comfortable silence for most the time, just enjoying eachothers presence in a positive setting.

Suddenly mikey remembered the end of last night, how leo was shivering and feverish and mentally scolded himself for not checking how his oldest brother was feeling.

"hey dude how are you feeling? are you sick at all?" mikey asked with so much worry in his voice leo wanted to explode. He almost said no, that he was fine. But something in his little brothers expression made him reconsider the lie. It'd probably just hurt more when he inevitably became too weak and pathetic to hide it.

"my head and nose feels a bit stuffy and im a little tired... cold too. but thats it mikey im okay i promise" leo said with a smile. The orange clad turtle seemed satisfied with the answer and went back to the food.

Mikey finished with breakfast for him and leo, handing it over so he could take a seat on the bench right next to his big brother.

"oh- mikey you didnt need to cut up fruit as well. toast would have been fine" leo said as he looked at the plate. Two pieces of buttered toast with cut up oranges.

"its all good bro! dee said you had to eat something with nu- trish- ugh. healthy stuff. besides i wanted oranges so we're eating the same thing. no biggie" mikey said casually.

He knew his brother was probably having an internal freak out about how much food it filled up the plate. In reality it was a pretty basic and small meal, fruit isnt exactly filling.

Mikeys statement eased leos nerves a bit. After saying thank you, he began eating and after a little bit of subtle encouragement from his orange clad brother, finished all the food.

"you guys already eat?" raph suddenly walked into the kitchen, watching the two with a curious glance. He was mostly just checking if leo had eaten properly.

"yep toast and oranges brah! just finished" mikey responded, bright as ever. Leonardo questioned where he stored all his energy.

"man i would kill for some strawberries right now" raph said while looking through the fridge.

As if on que, donnie walked around the corner into the kitchen.

"yea literally. leos deathly allergic to strawberries" the purple clad turtle said tiredly, focused on filling the coffee jug.

The boys werent ignoring leos presence, but the two older turtles didnt know he wasnt non-verbal anymore. So they were choosing to not initiate any conversation with leo in case he felt pressured to talk. They noticed the headphones and sent a proud and grateful glace their little brothers way, knowing he would have taken care of his older brother.

"eh, he'll live. hes deathly allergic to bugs too and hes still alive" raph said with a shrug, pulling out a banana. It was always a miracle when they managed to keep food fresh down in the sewers, but all the installation and ventilation in the lair donnie had done really did the trick.

"no raph he literally would not live. because hes deathly allergic" donnie dead pans with the most confused look on his face. Raph only shugs in response and continues eating.

"its a little funny how raphs completely afraid of bugs and screams like hes dying when hes near one but leo will literally die and not scream" mikey says. Raph and donnie just look at him with the most horrified look as if saying "how the fuck is that funny".

"actually i agree, that is pretty funny" leo says casually. Raph and donnie lose interest at the joke and their morning moods immediately brighten after hearing their older brothers voice.

"yea yea whatever. atleast i cant be killed by something the size of my fingernail" raph says, reaching for another banana.

why does this guy eat so many bananas - mikey thought.

"you still carry an epipen with you at all times right?" donnie asked. Leo didnt respond and threw a small sheepish smile at his brother.

"LEO you need to carry that around so you literally dont swell up and suffocate after a bug bite. do you know how common bug bites are? you're so lucky mosquitoes only give you welts on your skin otherwise you'd be in big trouble. remember that time you ran into a beehive and you almost died?" donnie asked angrily. It was more out of concern than anger, leo didnt seem to pick up on that.

"im really sorry donnie i genuinely just forget, and yes i do remember when i ran into a beehive. ill try to remember to take it from now on" leo said guiltily, looking down at his lap. His legs were now leaning over the bench, kicking back and forth.

Donnie immediately softened his tone, realising how leo would have taken it.

note to self, be clear in what youre saying and watch your tone of voice when talking to leo - donnie thought

"its fine leo, i know its hard to remember. ill start carrying one around just in case. dont worry about it" donnie said with a warm smile. Leo nodded and smiled back.

"do you know if sensei is busy? we're supposed to have training soon but i dont want to disturb him if hes meditating" leo asked, concern seeping into his voice.

He tapped his fingers together anxiously. He hated asking for things - bothering people for his own insignificant needs. It made him feel phsycially sick.

The three boys, as observant as ever, noticed their brothers shift from calm to anxious and were quick to stop their brothers thoughts from flooding.

"actually we dont have training today, dad said we could skip! how cool of him right?" mikey exclaimed excitedly, he wasnt one for morning training.

That only confused leo more, no training? but they always have training unless someones injured or sick. Even then they still have some form of training or meditation.

"nothing wrongs leo, we just have... more important things to do today. training can wait" donnie was quick to ease the confusion and accidentally replace it with an odd sense of fear at the bottom of a pit that was leos stomach.

"its about what happened yesterday" raph dead-panned, sick of his brothers being so vague and clearly causing leo more stress. He walked over the the blue banded turtle and grabbed his hand, dragging him off the kitchen bench at a reasonable speed and taking him to the couch in the pit so they could talk.

The two youngest brothers followed, all of them sitting surrounding their oldest brother.

"leo, i need you to be honest with me. things like yesterday have happened before havent they? the weird icky panicky feelings, the panic attacks, stuff like that" donnie asked softly.

Leo thought for a moment. Of course its happened before, theres been many many times where leos had a breakdown over something so stupid like a child and questioned what the hell was wrong with him. Heck, he still does that.

He nods in response, and donnie asks him to explain how it felt and what happened.

Leo stays quiet. He doesnt want to explain, he doesnt even know if he can. And he sure as hell doesn't want to worry his brothers, to have them think somethings wrong with him. For his little brothers to worry about him would genuinely be the end of the world and he'd choose to crawl up and die.

Donnie only sighs at the silence.

"lee we're your brothers, we'll always worry about eachother. you can tell us things, we want to know. so please" that did it for leo, his brother practically begging him to open up. He had to try and explain the pathetic mess that is his mental health.

"well... its happened a lot before. i woke up feeling funny i guess, everything was super loud and annoying and just- stressful? everything just felt wrong. i didnt sleep so i was tired and it was really cold- maybe it wasnt and it was just me but i was really cold. and then eating the uh eggs was just... yucky. not the taste! it tasted good, just the texture and the noises you make when you eat. talking was hard and i don't know why- but i had to talk so i ignored it... until i couldnt... uhm..." leo struggled to explain what happened to the best of his ability, to maybe ease some of the worry he saw in his brothers eyes.

He didnt want them to worry, especially about him.

"okay, wanna tell us why you kept running after the fight? why you purposely let yourself get hurt? and why you were so freaked out" raph asked, although it sounded more like an order.

Donnie elbowed the red banded turtle agressively, telling him to ask one question at a time.

"i was running fast and i guess it was the pressure from the wind? it was windy on the rooftops and cold so it just... overrode the physical discomfort? uh- i don't-" leo began to panic- what was he supposed to say? it was just some stupid childish tantrum and ohmygodhessopathetic-

"leo hey its okay, take your time. we're listening" donnie soothed, rubbing his thumb in circles on leos knee for comfort. He was going to take the olders hands, but the way his tapped and played with his fingers told him that was a bad idea.

Leo took a deep breath and started talking again.

"i didnt try to get myself hurt it just- didnt matter if i got hurt as long as you guys were okay and the fight was over. it was just- really loud. you guys were arguing and then you didnt listen to me and i could feel the sticky blood on my skin and i threw some childish tantrum over it im so sor-" leo was cut off by two green hands grabbing his face, turning him towards the person talking.

"no! dont you dare apologise big brother" mikey said so quietly it was almost a whisper.

Mikey was so sad listening to his brother talk. Listening to leo explain all these things hes gone through alone before so many times. Listening to him sit there and say that he doesnt matter as long as his brothers are okay.

He was so sad for his brother. He loved and adored his oldest brother with everything in his heart, why couldnt leonardo feel the same about himself?

Leos eyes quickly snapped to his red coded brother.

"mikeys right you idiot, dont apologise. it isnt your fault and it does matter if you get hurt you selfless asshole. im sorry for being such a bonehead again last night and ignorin you" raph said, offering his own genuine smile.

The next person to talk was donatello, his tone understanding and sincere.

"leo, there is nothing wrong with you i promise. They arent just stress or pathetic childish tantrums, they're panic attacks- meltdowns. Sensory issues and overloads. You were overwhelmed-" donnie paused for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to say this before-

"you're autistic. they were autistic meltdowns, caused by your sensory overloads, us unexpectedly changing your plans and not listening to you and probably your regular actually pretty severe anxiety we all know you have no matter how much you try to deny it. Its autism leo, and if you want i have an official diagnosis test or two i can walk you through to prove it" The purple banded turtle just decided to rip off the bandaid.

Leo was quiet, lost in thought. He didnt look anyone in the eye and his brothers worried they did the wrong thing telling him like this-

"so there isnt something wrong with me? im just..." the three brothers let out a breath of relief when the blue banded turtle spoke.

"you're autistic lee, there isnt anything wrong with you. we promise" mikey said with a smile, resiting the urge to hug attack his brother in fear of leos head currently building overwhelming thoughts.

"doesnt that just... prove theres something wrong with me though" leo mumbled, crossing his legs and leaning back in the couch.

"is there something wrong with me because of my adhd?" mikey was quick to ask. He didnt believe that, but he wanted his brother to understand he was perfectly perfect the way he was and he wasnt broken.

"or my anger issues" raph quickly added before leo could reply.

"or my... slightly obsessive compulsive tendencies?" donnie chimed in after a side eye from his immediate older brother.

"no of course that doesnt mean theres something wrong with you" leo immediately said. The three stared at him, waiting for him realise what they were trying to say.

"then that means theres nothing wrong with you, you dork" raph said impatiently, shoving his shoulder.

"so what... does it mean? like what is a part of that- ugh does that make sense? i dont-" leo tried to ask what characteristics and feelings would correlate with his neurodivergence and what was just him being plain messed up.

"i know what you mean dont worry. and theres a lot of things. The not wanting to talk is a part of it, which you dont have to force yourself to talk when you feel like you cant. We'll understand. Id assume your anxiety is worse then it normally would be because of it. We actually figured out thats also why your eating habits are so all over the place. The sensory issues are there, which is your icky feelings, not wanting to be touched, needing quiet- you can keep those headphones by the way- the stimming which is your legs bouncing and swaying and your tappy fingers and flappy hands. which you also dont need to hide. all these things you feel the need to hide about yourself, you dont need to. We promise you dont need to. Its called masking and it can be very damaging to your mental health so please leo if you want to do or say something, or you need something. just do it, ask for it. okay? promise me. promise us" donnie pleads, putting his forehead against his brothers.

Leo has spent too much time alone for donnie to handle. Too much time hiding and not worrying about himself. Too much time acting more like a dad then splinter and not being a dumb kid. It made his heart ache knowing his brother sacrificed his childhood for them. Sure splinter was there physically in a sense, but it was leo who tucked them into bed at night. It was leo who comforted one of them after a nightmare. It was leo who dealt with raphs anger issues, who would hang out with mikey for hours while he was hyper active, who would sneak out to get scrap metal from junkyards for donnie to tinker with.

And now knowing that his brother was autistic. He grew up with no support, thinking there was something wrong with and he had to hide away. Suddenly leo being so distant when it came to his feelings made sense.

The blue clad turtles let a tear roll down his face, promising to stop hiding and be honest. When raphael brought up his lack of self preservation, and how it was almost like the oldest was suicidal, he couldnt stop the tears that overflowed one after the other. He just cried, sobbing and repeating that he'd never leave his brothers on purpose but he'd give his life to keep them safe without any hesitation. How he'd sometimes thought that it would be so much easier if he was gone, easier for his brothers and for him.

The three silently decided to talk about this another day, just gathering closer to leo and comforting him, assuring him that they loved him.

After a while the tears slowed and leo sneezed loudly, making all three of his brothers back up.

"awwhhh i forgot you were sick. i was wondering why you were so much warmer then usual. you usually feel like an ice cube dude." mikey whined.

"i still feel like an ice cube mikey" leo sighed, wrapping his arms around himself.

"ILL GO GET A BLANKET" mikey yelled before speeding out of sight. The three couldnt help but laugh at mikeys overly energetic shenanigans.

"okay leo do you want to do those tests i was talking about? ill just ask you questions and you have to answer them. nothing drastic" donnie asked.

Leo nodded his head and took a seat on the floor, donnie going to get his laptop before taking a seat infront of his brother. Mikey returned with a blanket for leo, throwing it at his blue coded brother and jumping on top of raph to steal the tv remote.

Raph let mikey win the fight for the remote, opting to read his comics instead. Mikey put on some teen cartoon on that was playing and watched while leo and donnie started with the makeshift autism assessment

-

Around 10 minutes had passed, the lair was quiet with the exception of the tv playing at a low volume and the cool colour coded brothers voices. Leo occasionally sniffled and coughed, but he wasnt feeling nearly as bad as he usually does when he gets sick.

They were half way through the assessment when april and casey showed up. Leo was the first to notice, immediately watching them instead of answering donnies question.

"hey guys!" april called out with a wave, walking through the entrance.

Mikey was quick to jump from his seat, sprinting over to greet them. Donnie noticed how leo pulled the blanket tighter around himself and lowered his tone.

"leo? did you hear me?" he asked slowly. Leos eyes snapped back to his for a moment before looking back towards the two humans conversing with their little brother.

It clicked in donatellos brain. Leo must be worried about what april and casey would think and doesnt want them to overhear.

Raph, who had secretly been watching this whole situation, got off the couch and walked over to the two sitting on the floor, squatting down infront of leonardo.

"you want me to kick em out? 'cause i i will if you're uncomfortable with em being here righ' now" he asked, his voice low and protective.

Leo thought for a moment, then shook his head no. He didnt want to force his friends to leave.

"okay well how about we go sit in your room and finish this? your bed would be more comfortable for you then down here on the floor anyways." donnie offered, already getting up with his laptop.

Leo stood up and followed donnie towards his room, keeping his eyes down as his brother greeted their human friends, not saying a word.

If they noticed the headphones, or asked about them, leo wasnt paying attention.

They got to the room and donnie shut the door, joining leo on his bed and opening his laptop back up.

"you want to keep going?" donnie asked sincerely. If his brother wanted to stop at any point, then he would immediately.

"yea. I've already started so we should finish" leo said, nodding his head slightly.

They kept going, donnie contuined to ask questions and fill out things his older brother couldnt remember that donnie himself personally knew from asking splinter about their childhood. Soon they were finished, having being left undisturbed the entire time. Raphael had probably told mikey, and the two turtles would have kept their friends busy.

"okay so thats it. the results say its out of two hundred and thirty. anything over a hundred and eighty says its almost guaranteed that you would be autistic" donnie said, reading through the explanation on his laptop.

"okay what was the score then?" leo asked impatiently, already wanting to get this over with.

"two hundered and eighteen" donnie said casually, hoping the wrong tone wouldnt make leonardos thoughts spiral.

Who was he kidding? The blue banded turtle had never been able to read tone or social ques his entire life. Nothing would prevent his thoughts from spiralling if they wanted to. He honestly should have came to the conclusion his oldest brother was experiencing symptoms of autism way earlier.

"that makes it real- donnie im- im autistic" leo whispers staring down at his hands.

Donatello rests a comforting hand on his brothers knee, smiling softly.

"yea leo, you are. and thats perfectly fine" he says soothingly.

Leo shakes his head and pulls his gaze up to his brothers, teary blue meeting warm worried brown.

"nono- 'tello, im autistic. im not bro-broken" leos voice breaks at the end as tears overflow for the second time that day and donnie feels his heart shatter and rebuild itself.

He quickly pulls his older brother into a hug, letting him sob into his shoulder, shushing his incoherent mumbles while trying to soothe him. He rubs circles into leos carapace, hoping the soothing movement will calm him down similar to how it lulled him to sleep the previous night.

"i-i though' there was some-something wr'ng with me" leo sobbed. Donnie just shushed him, assuring him there was nothing wrong with him and he was okay.

Soon the crying subsided and leo found himself laying across his bed in the opposite way to what you usually would with his head in his taller brothers lap. Donnie was sitting upright leaning against the wall, hand still rubbing circles into leos carapace.

"you feel ok?" donnie asked with the most sincere tone, peering down at the turtle in his lap. Donnies genuine tone made leo want to start crying all over again.

"no" he mumbled truthfully, to his surprise. Donnie only hummed, continuing the circular motion.

"emotionally or physically?" donnie asked again, patient as ever.

Truthfully, leo felt awful. He felt better emotionally, lighter now that he knew he wasnt some broken doll. Though he could feel his ability to talk slipping away, not that it was totally all there today to begin with. Mentally he was drained, and physically he felt horrible. His nose was stuffy and his throat itched. It was like there was a dense cloud behind his eyes and his body ached, shivering in the cold. Donnie was quick to pull a blanket over leos shoulders.

"physically....all stuffy, tired... " leo tried to form words so his brother could understand, but as quickly as the words came out of his mouth there were no more.

Donnie seemed to understand, humming and grabbing his brothers hand with his own free hand.

"thats cause you're sick leo, and you're emotionally drained. you should rest. would you like to go back out with the others? just squeeze my hand once for yes, two for no" donnie asked, giving leo an alternative to talking and signing which he was incredibely greatful for.

He greedily squeezed twice, not wanting to leave the current comfort he felt. He never got this from anyone, maybe a long time ago when he was younger, or at the farmhouse when he would get so frusterated and angry he'd just break down into tears infront of everyone and not know how to stop.

"okay thats fine, im comfy here anyways. ill put on space heroes on my laptop and if you want you can rest your eyes. it'll help with the fuzziness" donnie suggested, retracting his hands to open up his laptop and press play.

Leo lets out an involuntary whine as the loss of pressure on his shell when donnie reaches away. He would be embarrassed if he wasnt so out of touch with the world right now. Donnie stiffles laugh and lets out a quiet chuckle, returning his hand to rub circles on leos carapace once again as the intro to space heroes starts playing.

"sorry sorry, here. now just close your eyes for a bit. youll feel better" donnie soothed.

The purple clad turtle knew that if he suggested sleep his brother would refuse, so suggesting to a sick and definetly not fully cognizant turtle that he should rest his eyes because it'd make him feel better would be extremely more likely to work faster. And it did, leo let his eyes droop, trying at first to watch space heroes, soon giving in to the heaviness behind his eyes as he fell asleep. Donnie could pinpoint the exact moment his brother fell victim to slumber, listening to his breathing even out and his body to sink into him more. It didnt take more than five minutes.

Donnie smiled to himself, closing the lid to his laptop and moving it to the side as he listened to his brothers heavy breathing. Usually, leonardos breathing was quiet and calm. His heavy breathing almost sounded like wheezing, which was not good. He might be developing a respiratory infection like he usually did. Hopefully the fact they immediately caught the sickness meant the blue banded turtle couldnt overwork himself and he'd be able to get better before it got worse.

Lost in thought, donnie heard a faint sound of clattering and bickering from outside the room. He quickly picked up his phone and sent out a text to a group chat with raph and mikey asking them to keep it down because leo was sleeping. They were quick to apologise and assure they'd be quiet, asking if leo was okay. Donnie gave them a quick run down of what happened while letting them know of leos current sickness stage and emotional wellbeing.

-

About an hour had passed, leo was still fast asleep. Donnie made sure not to disturb him, it was better if he just slept away the sickness. There was a slight creak and donatello tore his gaze from his phone up to the door, watching as his two warm colour coded brothers slipped in the room quietly.

"we wanted to come cuddle too!" mikey whisper yelled excitedly, running over and climbing into the bed to snuggle into donnies side.

"april and casey went to get pizza, they probably wont be back for half an hour and i told em to message me when they're close. no i didnt say anything about leo i just said yous were busy probably doing nerd stuff" raph explained quietly, walking over to the bed to join his brothers.

He squeezed his way in between the wall and leo, leaning his carapace against donnies other arm as a back rest. The purple banded turtle was quick to make sure he was in a position where he could keep the repetitive movement of his hand on leos shell going in circles, before settling into the unexpected turtle pile fully.

"he still wearing those things?" raph whispered, gesturing to the headphones.

"yea he is, i assume his sensory issues are off the charts living in the sewers. i dont know how we never noticed i mean- we grew up here with him" donnie whispered back, looking down towards the sleeping turtle. The three sat in comfortable silence, all content with being together watching over their beloved eldest brother. They always treated leo like the oldest, but what if he wasnt? sometimes he just seemed so... small. They questioned whether he really was the oldest. But considering splinter told them they were all the same age, it was plausible. All three boys came to the same conclusion in their head; make sure leo didnt feel like he had to be the calm collected always okay eldest brother father/mother figure he'd been his whole life.

Raphael was true to his word. A while later april and casey were back with pizza, mikey was sent out willinging at the mention of pizza while older siblings sat with a still very much asleep leo. Donnie stayed quiet as raph gently shook leo awake.

"leo hey, time to get up and eat something. april and casey just got back with pizza so up ya get" raph said, watching as leo curled up slightly, face scrunching in protest. He felt bad waking his sick brother, but he had to eat something.

With a little more convincing leo eventually opened his eyes with a groan, sitting up and immediately leaning into raph.

"there ya go just wake up so we can go eat" raph said, rubbing leos shoulder comfortingly while donnie placed the back of his hand on his forehead to feel his temperature.

Leo yawned and stretched a little before getting up, swaying slightly. Raphael was quick to steady him.

"you good bro?" raph asked, concerned that leo might pass out or something similar.

Leo signed 'dizzy' and regained his posture, looking much more focussed now his brain and body had a moment to catch up.

"probably because you have had approximately 0.24mls of water today. come out to eat and ill go get you water" donnie finally said, hopping off the bed and out of the room.

Leo reached for his headphones, pulling them off his head and letting them rest on his night stand.

"you can keep wearin those if you want, i know you dont like the sound of peoole eating" raph said, slightly confused and worried his brother was continuing to push away his needs.

"im... im okay. they're hurting my head and i think im too.. out of it to hear it anyways" leo mumbled, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

By now raph had let leo stand by himself, opting to take his hand to guide hin through the lair.

"alright you can sleep once you've gotten food and water inta ya. if you need the headphones at any time let me know and ill go get em" raph said sternly, hoping that for once his brother would listen. He heard a small 'ok' from behind him, notifying him that leo was infact listening.

They made there way to the pit, sitting on the couch next to mikey and leo was immediately handed a cup of water.

"hi leo! didnt see much of you earlier" april said with her usual smile. Leo smiled back through his glass and gave april a wave.

They all began eating, everything was going perfectly normal and fine until donnie went to show april something on his laptop. He opened the screen up, his previous tabs still open and casey, who was peeking over aprils shoulder let out a confused.

"which one of yous is autistic??"

Chapter Text

Time seemed to slow for leonardo. He had just barely scraped the edge of understanding and accepting himself, being so relieved to hear he wasnt just a big traumatised (he still is hes just in denial) fuck up.

All he wanted was a bit to process and now his human friends- no practically his only friends besides karai, knew. They knew. And sure he could lie his way out of this and say it definetly wasnt him but that just delayed the inevitable.

"me" he blurted out without thinking, all heads turning to him immediately.

Leo was quick to get uncomfortable under all the attention, turning his gaze downwards. He heard some quick yells of confusion- maybe anger. It was loud and loud usually meant angry didnt it? Thats how it worked on TV, and splinter would only yell if he was angry.

He tucked his legs into his chest, hugging them tightly and placing his head on his knees to hopefully relieve something.

He heard more yelling, sudden and close. He felt someone brush against his arm as they got off the couch, stomping feet towards somewhere. He couldnt focus on voices, he just knew they were so loud and angry. It was scary, overwhelming. He hated feeling like this- he thinks donnie called it overstimulation? sensory issues? he didnt know, he couldnt think he was so focussed on trying to get the touches and sounds so just go away.

Suddenly, the sounds stopped. Mostly, they almost completely silenced. Leo reached his hands up to his head to feel headphones, taking his head away from his knees and looking up to see his littlest brother smiling at him comfortingly. He reached out for leos hands- leos tapping hands. He didnt realise he was doing that.

The blue banded turtle quickly pulled away at the touch, mikey pulled away too. The youngest made a mental note that it was a no touch time and gestured for leo to follow him. Leo wasted no time following mikey to his room. Mikeys room was a more dull orange, bright coloured comic books thrown everywhere.

Leo took a seat on his brothers bed, shaking his hands violently like ragdolls. Mikey searched his brain for anything he could do to help, already having taken away the sounds. He thought for a moment, remembering leo saying something about pressure. But he doesnt seem to like skin to skin contact... he decided to try something.

"hey lee," mikey started softly. Blue eyes met blue and the orange turtle continued.

"you're overstimulated right now, do you think if i gave you your fluffy blanket and hugged you real tight, the softness and the pressure would help? can i try it?" mikey asked, slightly desperate. He really wanted to help.

Leo watched for a moment, switching from stressed flappy hands to rubbing his thighs in a scrubbing motion. He nodded quickly, bordering on the edge of a full meltdown. He really didnt have any energy left for this- he was sick, tired, emotionally and mentaly drained and now extremely overwhelmed, overstimulated and anxious.

Mikey was quick to run to his older brothers room, snatching the blanket off his bed and running back. He quickly wrapped the blanket over the blue banded turtles shoulders and hug attacked, squeezing as hard as he could without worry of hurting his brother.

"its okay bro, just breathe. thats all you can do just breathe. there you go good job, its okay. you're okay deep breaths" mikey soothed quietly.

Leo calmed down slowly, letting the comforting pressure and singular texture take away everything else.

"you want me to let go?" mikey asked once he had calmed down.

Leo hesitantly shook his head, to which mikey just smiled brightly and pulled his older brother closer, settling into a comfortable position. The exhausted turtle fully relaxed into the touch, leaning his cloudy head onto his brothers shoulder.

"oh shell, lee i forgot you were sick- you should rest now. ill protect you big brother" somehow those few words made the oldests heart swell, letting his eyes slip shut and immediately being lulled to sleep.

Mikey sighed, looking down at his sick sleeping brother, listening to the chaos unfolding outside his bedroom.

they better solve this and not upset leo anymore or ill have all their heads - mikey thought

- with the others, back to the beggining

"which one of yous is autistic??"

"me" all heads snapped to leo, watching as he trained his gaze down and avoided eye contact with everyone.

"WHAT?" april and mostly casey yelled in surprise.

Raphael was quick to yell too.

"shut the hell up! the fuck was that reaction for?!" raph growled. He was fully ready to kick ableist ass if he had to.

"no no its not bad i just- didnt expect it to be honest" april said quickly, offering a smile to show she wasnt some ableist jerk.

She didnt expect leo to be autistic. She racked her brain for information, remembering a presentation and the extensive research she did on autism for a school project and immediately felt so stupid. Of course hes autistic- that makes so much sense how did she not realise? She always thought leo wad just more shy and anxious then his brothers, which was true, but she should have guessed that it wasnt just that.

"he just like. doesnt seem autistic" casey says, confused with the outcome.

That was it for raph, he got up from his seat next to leo and stomped towards casey, shoving a finger into his chest. His over-protective brother senses were going haywire right now.

"raph wait-" donnie started, trying to prevent a fight. He noticed leo curled up, looking super uncomfortable and immediately guessed he was overwhelmed or overstimulated- or both.

He watched his older brother yell at their human friend, not wanting to leave in case he had to break up a physical fight. The purple clad turtled turned to his little brother.

"mikey i need you to take leo out of here. hes likely overstimulated and overwhelmed. hes tired and sick so his emotional regulation skills are at an all time low right now so be senstive okay?" donnie said quickly.

Mikey nodded his head, promising to be sensitive and looking over to his oldest brother. He jumped when raph yelled especially loud, quickly running to leos room to retrieve his headphones and take them to his brother before leaving for the others room.

With his oldest and youngest brother safely out of the room, donnie turned his attention back to his fuming brother.

"but like- dude i have a younger cousin whos autistic and ive never seen leo act like that" casey said, still utterly confused.

This only made raph angrier.

"why you- are you seriously comparing some kid to leo? as if all autistic people are the same? are you fucking dense?!" raph yelled angrily as he resisted the urge to punch his friend.

"woah raph you dont need to name call, caseys just confused-" april tried to cool the situation, failing and only making raph angrier.

"confused? CONFUSED? leos autistic. thats it. theres nothing to be confused about. i knew i shouldnt have let you fucking stay" raph mutters the last part.

Remembering his older brother actively existed, the red banded turtle whipped his head around to scan for him, looking towards donnie for answers.

"he was bordering on a meltdown already, i got mikey to take him to his room. he'll be okay" donnie said calmly.

He was angry at casey for what he was saying as well, but he could see through his rage enough that he knew it only fed from his uneducated mind and he could get him to understand. Raph wasn't so good at multitasking.

"get the fuck out of here. right now" raph growled, facing casey once again. Caseys eyes widened.

"what? dude no why-" casey started, getting interrupted by april.

"no casey- lets go. we can talk again another time when you realise you just had one of the worst reactions you could have" the red head said, shooting an apologetic smile the turtles way and shoving casey out of the lair.

"sorry guys. ill educate him and explain it to him, and we'll come by again soon so he can apologise. tell leo not to worry about us thinking he needs fixing and we love him. bye" april said with a soft smile, quickly running off to catch up with casey.

"i knew i shouldnt have let them fucking stay. now leos all upset again" raph said, kicking a few empty pizza boxes across the floor.

"its not your fault raph, if anything its mine. i shouldve been more careful showing stuff on my laptop" donnie mumbled with a sigh.

"nah. of im bot allowed to blame myself then neither are you. its caseys fault for bein an idiot" raph said.

"agreed" donnie said with a scoff.

"okay i want to go check on leo, you coming?" donnie asked, to which raph said "obviously" and they both walked to mikeys room, opening the door quietly.

When they peered in, they noticed a sound asleep leo with mikey squeezing the absolute life out of him, semi-gently.

"whyre you squeezing 'im so hard" raph mumbled with a scowel.

"pressure! obvi" mikey said with a triumphant smile.

Raphs mind flashed to when leo was telling them about the pressure and how it helped.

"pressure stim" donnie muttered to himself, lost in thought.

Raph walked over to his little brother, putting a hand on his head softly.

"good job little brother," raph said with a proud smile.

"but you could probably let 'im go now" he added with a chuckle.

Mikey frowned and loosened his grip to a comfortable hold now that his brother was fast asleep, but didnt let go.

"no way dude! i get leo cuddles no way in pizza supreme im letting him go until he wants to cause i asked him earlier and he said no! he likes my hugs raph" mikey rambled, just happy to recieve his brothers affections. Raph just shook his head with a smile, turning to donnie as the other started speaking.

"okay hes eaten and had water. hes sick so i think its best if we let him sleep for as long as possibly possible. that doesnt mean you have to sit there for hours by the way mikey, we can make raph carry him to his bed so he has his privacy" donnie said, snickering at his little brothers defeated face.

"alright give em here" raph said, reaching down to pick his brother out of mikeys grip, with much protest from the youngest.

Leo let out a small whine at the loss of warmth, quickly snuggling into raphs little body heat. Raph and mikey were always the warmest out of the four, donnie always thought it was ironic the fact that it matched with their coloured masks.

Raph was red, the hottest out of all of them. Mikry was next in warm body temperature and had an orange mask. Donnie was more on the cool side with purple and leo was a literal ice cube with his blue.

Donnie assumed leo and him just got more of their cold blooded turtle side compared to their warm colour coded brothers.

The red clad turtle adjusted the blanket over leo so it wouldnt fall and walked down the hall as donnie opened doors for him, trying to jostle the sleeping turtle as little as possible.

Leo let out a few incoherent sleepy mumbles of protest, which were quickly shushed by raph.

"shh brother. ive got you" raph soothed, his voice sounding deep as he spoke quietly.

Eventually raph made it to the leaders room, setting him down in his own bed and watching as leo quickly snuggled into the blanket more, pulling it up to his nose.

Donnie soon followed behind, holding a wet washer and holding it on the sick turtles forehead. Leos eyes scrunched as he sleepily grumbled in discomfort.

"sorry leo, itll make you feel better i promise" donnie soothed, not sorry at all as he kept dabbing the cool cloth over the now maskless turtles face.

He stopped once the cloth was no longer cool in temperature, pulling away and watching to make sure his brother was sleeping soundly before making his leave like the other two had done earlier, shutting the door behind him as he walked away.

Chapter Text

Leo slept all through the next night and day, only waking up when he was forced to drink. The boys did try and get him to eat - key word try - but the blue turtle was just genuinely not aware enough to chew and swallow food at that moment, so they let him go with just water before slipping back into slumber mere minutes later.

When leo awoke on his own, he felt the immediate warmth of soft blankets curled around his body. His mind was fuzzy with sleep, but didnt feel heavy and his stuffy nose was replaced with mostly clear airways. He hummed in delight, almost chirruping like the turtles occasionally would, feeling the edges of blissful sleep tug on his mind as he snuggled further into the soft blankets covering up to his nose.

"leo? are you finally awake or just moving in your sleep again" he heard a quiet voice speak, sounding like his worry wart of a brother donatello.

Leo groaned at the thought of leaving his warm bed. Donnie stifled a laugh at his clearly awake and fuzzy-headed big brother.

"do you think you could get up for me. you have to eat and i have to check those stitches to make sure its not infected" donnie said in his gentle doctor voice.

As soon as leo registered that his purple clad brother was using a doctor voice he opened his eyes slowly, knowing there was no escape. He blinked a few times as his eyes focused, eternally grateful for the lights being turned off, and looked towards his younger brothers warm smile.

"good morning" donnie hummed teasingly.

Leo sat up, letting his blanket fall off his shoulders as he yawned, immediately being hit with cooler air.

"whats the time?" leo mumbled, still trying to wake up his sleepy brain.

"its 6pm, you've been sleeping since around 4pm yesterday" donnie said, standing up as he watched his brother get out of bed, ready to support incase leo suffered a dizzy spell.

Leonardo however stood up fine, his mind had mostly cleared the sleepy fog away and he didnt feel absolutely awful like he had the day prior.

"how are you feeling?" donnie asked, concerned for his once sick brother.

"im good don, i dont think im sick anymore. i actually feel a lot better" leo offered his reassuring big brother smile, to which donnie visibly relaxed at, letting out a loud dramatic breath of air. Leo chuckled while tying his mask around his face, usually it was mikey that was the dramatic one, but the purple clad turtle definetly had his moments.

"ok thats good im glad- now come to my lab so i can look at your arm" donnie said impatiently, grasping leos hand and dragging him to his lab.

"woah dee slow down, you're gonna make me trip" leo said while stifling a chuckle at his younger brothers concern

"no you wont, you're practically a ninja master and could walk around this lair blind" donnie replies, not paying much attention to the blue banded turtle.

"uh i wouldnt say ninja master- ive definetly tripped up a few times bu-" leo was cut off by being practically thrown into donnies lab.

"ok we're here sit down right now" donnie says sternly.

Leo obliges, knowing theres no point in fighting. He knows his arm is healing fine and its not time to take the stitches out yet, but he'll let his little brother have his moment.

The purple banded turtle does a regular health check-up, deeming leo actually not sick anymore but he should still take it easy. Then he checks the stitches.

"okay they look good. no infection, ill take them out in-"

"another 3 to 6 days because stitches are usually in for about 5 to 10 days but with our healing rate of a mutant we dont need them in that long, donatello. i know this, you seem to forget im the one who taught you all the medical stuff you now implement on us? little brother the only reason you're a medic is because you're extremely pushy and obsessively worry about our health" leo says monotonously, intending to come off as a casual statement.

"ok says you, you mother hen us all the time. you're seriously worse than me you just dont realise it because i worry over your health the most because you dont take care of yourself. the only reason im 'a medic' is so i can take care of your incapable butt. you're the medic, and you're the big brother so you think its your duty to protect and make sure we're happy and healthy. i dont obsess over the others and myself because we mostly take care of ourselves. you're too busy worried about us like you're our mother to take care of yourself" donnie scoffs, too focussed on reapplying a clean bandage to leos arm and removing the bandages from his hands to really pay attention to his brother.

Leo looks down at his hands, thinking about donnies words. was he mad? was he annoying when he worried about them? was he overbearing? should he be taking care of himself instead? but they're his responsibility to keep safe and that includes general health. hes not doing anything wrong is he? but don's mad-

"sorry dee" leo mumbled guiltily. He didnt understand what he was doing wrong, but his brother sounded angry or upset and that obviously was not a good thing.

Donatellos attention was immediately snapped to his brother upon hearing the apology.

"no no- leo. im not mad at you i dont want you to apologise. i just wish you'd realise your health matters just as much as ours. you being willing to immediately sacrifice your life to even keep us happy let alone safe or- or alive- is really worrying for all of us. i dont know about splinter- but for us, your brothers, we worry about you"

'especially since the farmhouse' wasnt said. It was a sensitive topic for the leader. 'especially since we found out you've been masking your entire life' wasnt said either. Before anymore COULD be said, raph and mikey walked into the lab.

"LEO YOU'RE AWAKE" mikey cheered, running towards his older brother and hugging tightly on impulse.

The orange coded turtle quickly realised he hadnt checked if his brother was okay with touching and went to pull away, but as soon as his hands were fully wrapped around his oldest brothers body leo hugged back. The eldest leaned into the warmth of his little brother, relaxing having mikey in his ames. Not just physically but emotionally, mikey was like a nightlight that chased all the dark away; all you had to do was ask to sit in the same room as mikey while he cooked or cleaned or skateboarded or anything! You'd immediately feel better.

Mikeys smile grew so wide his cheeks hurt, nuzzling his head into the crook of his older brothers neck.

"i was only asleep for a day mikey, but i missed you too little brother" leo chuckled, rubbing his hand up and down his little brothers shell.

"yea it was longer than one day, too long! i missed you! although you did give me cuddles while you were all sick so- so that was good! im glad you got some sleep but dude we couldnt even get you awake fully to eat you were so out of it" mikey joked. 'it was scary' he didnt add that bit. 'i was scared' he didnt say that either.

He didnt express how it reminded him of the farmhouse, even though his brother technically did wake up this time. He didnt say how it brought up how frightening it is having his big brother be so irresponsible when taking care of himself. He didnt want to think about how everytime leo is sick in his arms (or in general) all he can think about is keeping him warm. How scary it is to have his eldest, strongest, safest to be around brother be so sensitive to- to temperature! Maybe mikey was a little traumatised... maybe he had developed separation anxiety towards leo. Raph and donnie didnt comment on it, so the youngest would pretend its not a thing. But mikey knew they knew.

They knew not to pry mikey away from leo anymore or make fun of him for being clingy because they were all scared of losing their brother like they did. Leo was so... not leo during that time. Some of him will never be the same- and they werent just referring to his voice and the fact that his knee had permanent damage.

"donnie what'd you do. leo had the self hatred face when we walked in" raph asked skeptically. Leo chose to ignore the comment, tuning out donatellos very quick and snappy reply.

"sorry mike, im awake and im feeling good now. and you can have hugs whenever you want, all you have to do is ask" leo smiled as mikey pulled back, giving an uncertain but happy smile.

"okay its food time! there's left over soup i can heat up for you" mikey asked.

"sounds good bro, thank you" leo smiled sweetly as his younger brother ran off to prepare the meal. Soup would be good. It wasnt heavy or thick enough to hurt his throat while swallowing and it wasnt dense enough to feel sick eating. He could totally eat soup.

"im gonna go make sure he doesnt accidentally make the microwave explode" donnie mumbled, walking out to follow his little brother.

Mikey was good in the kitchen, cooking for his family all the time. But when it came to the microwave well... lets just say the orange clad turtle doesnt always remember what can and cant go in a microwave.

He turned to raph who was just watching the interaction quietly. Raph walked over and sat beside the blue banded turtle, shoulders pushed against eachother.

"you actually feeling okay or were ya lyin to em cause you're you" raph asked sternly.

Mikey and donnie were the little brothers, donnie and raph being middle children- but raph was still an older brother. The older brother closest to THE oldest brother. They were the protectors. Leo could be honest to raph about these things. Not saying he couldnt with the others, but master splinter was... old fashioned nonetheless accepting, mikey immediately would try to help and donnie would spit medical and psychology nonsense that was taught to him by leo. Raph was just there for anything leo needed and it hurt as much as he loved it. He loved all his brothers, and he knew that they'd all be there for him if he needed. He just hated burdening them.

The three had been a lot more protective since the farmhouse and invasion. It wasnt just leos mental health that was at an all time low, it was his physical health as well. New york was snowy and cold during the invasion, leo had gotten hypothermia along with the other physical injuries. The farmhouse was pretty cold as well, so they had to keep a close eye on leo and watch how he was even more sensitive to the cold compared to before. His body had long lasting trauma from it, and his mind? Well leo tended to shut down a bit in the cold.

"actually feeling okay" leo said, turning to raph and smiling.

He couldnt help but feel okay when his brothers were okay. Even if he was in depressive episode or something, his little brothers being so content with just being near him always warmed his heart. Not in a prideful way, but in a melting way. His brothers just... loved him.

The youngers eyes softened at leos genuine smile, it wasnt bright and cute like mikeys or dorky and adorable like donnies, but it was a sight that made all their hearts swell with love and pride. Something they craved- the three were overprotective of leo, very overprotective.

"ok. food time fearless" The red clad turtle said, jumping off the gurney.

Leo followed raph out to the kitchen, he assumed thats what raph wanted him to do. When he went to the kitchen he was met with his brothers, talking surprisingly calmly and eating. Donnie had a piece of toast in one hand and coffee in the other. Mikey was eating a bowl of cereal, next to him on the bench was a bowl of soup.

"here you go leo! i made sure it wasnt in for too long so you could eat it straight away and-"

"and I made sure mikey didnt put the metal spoon in the microwave like he was going to so you could actually eat soup instead of blown up bits of microwave" donnie interrupted in an overly exasperated tone.

"donatello," leo starts, eyeing his brother. Raph and mikey snickered as soon as they saw the mum look on his face.

"look out, mama leos out and about" mikey whispered so the eldest couldnt hear, trying to stifle a laugh.

"yes leo?" donnie responds, slightly scared of a mama leo lecture, sending a quick glare towards his laughing brothers in the corner.

"did you sleep last night?" he asked, crossing his arms. Oh boy.

"yes i did" donnie assures, smiling sweetly. Leo squints at him suspiciously.

"sorry, let me be more specific. how long did you sleep for last night and where" Donnie gulped and smiled sheepishly, already knowing what was coming.

"well i didnt really count but maybe... six hours... and most of it in my bed?" he said as more of a question, hoping leo would take it and not mama leo lecture him.

"donnie you know you're supposed to sleep eight hours! that why i plan for us to go on patrol and missions a set times anx i want you in bed at certain times so you have long enough to sleep so you can properly function. next time you stay up instead of sleeping i will be locking your lab" leo said sternly.

He wasnt lying when he made the threat; somehow leo had keys to donnies lab that donnie himself didnt even have. He had locked donnie out of his lab multiple times before.

Usually it was only when he pulled all nighters and didnt sleep for days on end, but lately leo had been stricter. The boys didnt mind, it was mostly harmless.

Sometimes donnie and raph would get mad and stomp their feet. Raph and leo could get into yelling matches about it. Donnie would yell and scream every now and then when leo got on his tail about things, but leo would rarely yell back; keeping his cool knowing donnie just needed an emotional regulation and sleep.

Raph was different, he looked for fights and pissed leo off. Leo hated not being listened to and raph knew it. Now that they had made the discovery of leos mental state, the younger turtle felt guilty. He promised himself to be more understanding of leo and just let him have his controlling mother hen moments.

Mikey was practically an angel compared to the others, he never yelled back at leo. Sure he was a cheeky little shit- But he'd listen to the lecture, apologise and be on his merry way. That was mostly because the scoldings came from mikey being irresponsible and messy, rather than not listening to big brother and leader orders.

"ok but in my defence i wanted to make sure you were okay. you know how prone to sickness you've always been, especially since the invasion and i was worried you were developing a chest infection rather then just a cold. we know how chest infections mess with your asthma really badly- becausewhytheheckareyoutheonewithallthemedicalissuesholychalupa- Which is why i was keeping an eye on you and trying to prevent it" donnie rambled, trying to keep his lab from being taken away. He didnt notice how leos shoulders tensed slightly at the mention of the invasion.

"i get it. just dont do it again" leo said with a sigh, taking his bowl of soup and stirring the spoon around trying to figure out the contents.

"ok ok thanks leo!" donnie smiled, tooth gap and all, relaxing now that he wasnt under the threat of his lab being confiscated.

The four sat around to eat, just chatting casually. The normal occasional bickering and shit-stirring from raph and mikey. It was nice, leo felt better. The stress from the past couple of days had disapeared, even though he failed to forget the reaction from april and casey. He felt... normal? again. Maybe not normal, he was normal. Ish. He was trying to understand that different didnt mean stupid idiotic fucked up dead weight good for nothing waste of space brain dead- yea. Leo was normal.

He was touching, eating, hearing and it wasnt overwhelming at the moment. And his brothers werent being absolute pains in the shell and messing things up so all in all it was a good feeling.

"did you guys train yesterday?" leo asked, wondering where splinter had been during all this.

Granted he wasnt very present, leo was always the oldest. He was the three young turtles safety blanket, no matter the fact they were all supposedly the same age. The younger three definetly felt the absence of their father, but not to the extent leo did. They had their big brother to be everything the rat man couldnt whereas leo didnt. He was the big brother. If he had to do it all over again he would do the same thing, grow up earlier than everyone, take the blame for everything he possibly could to keep his brothers from receiving the punishments because the punishments werent nice... (like he still does to this day), make sure he acted as the oldest and look after his brothers.

"we didnt do a whole lot, we ran through some katas for a little while but we didnt want to train withoutcha. donnie and mikey wouldnt stop worryin. and no we didnt go on patrol either" sometimes leo considered that raph was a mind-reader, but he was sure his younger brother was just used to these sorts of questions.

"well then we should train properly today, are you finished eating? we can start meditation in the dojo" leo said promptly, standing up and taking his bowl to the sink.

"are you sure leo? we dont want you to run yourself into the ground and get worser sick" mikey said, waving his arms around dramatically to emphasise his point.

"worser isnt a word shellbrain. pains me to say it but he is right fearless." raph added, rolling his eyes at his little brothers tongue sticking out.

"whose the medic and the leader and the oldest?" leo asked in a matter of fact tone.

"whose the mother hen brother who has no sense of self preservation and doesnt know how to take care of his own health EVEN THOUGH hes the one with a million and seven medical things wrong with him and has been hiding a serious developmental disorder that messes with his communication and social interactions?" raph retorts, giving a stink eye.

Leo thinks for a moment, staring blankly and raph almost apologises for coming for his brother like that. It was going to take a bit of work to properly support leo, but they were absolutely ready to do it no matter what. Whereas leo might still be having a hard time actually accepting hes allowed to be himself.

Donnie and mikey watch, slightly nervous and at the ready if they started to fight like they often would. Leo just shugs casually at raphs words.

"thats fair, donnie?" They didnt accept leo to accept that so quickly, but it wasnt a bad thing. Raph has to do a double take, thinking he was hearing things.

"uhh... well i did check him over and he looked fine to me. he didnt develop a chest infection, his reflexes and reaction time seems to be in check so i guess hes all good if we do a proper training session. just dont strain yourself if you start to feel ill and-"

"if leo says he's fine i think we should trust that he's listened to us and not hiding how he feels again. you wouldnt lie to us like that, would you leo?" mikey interrupts, big blue eyes directed towards leo. The taller smiles reassuringly and almost all the turtles worry goes away.

"no little brother i wouldnt, im good to go. promise. im... trying not to hide as much like you asked. just dont hate me if i fail you" leo mutters the last sentence bitterly to himself, quickly bring jumped on by all three of his brothers.

"you could never fail us!" mikey exclaims, wrapped around leos middle, looking up to his brother with his usual bright smile.

"you've never failed us, not once" donnie says from his spot on leos left arm, smiling comfortingly while wrapped around his oldest brother.

"you're not a failure shell for brains, get that through your thick stubborn head" raph smirks as he wraps his arm around leos neck, softening when he meets his eyes.

"thanks guys" leo whispers, letting the overwhelming happiness and support he feels show on his face.

Emotions were overwhelming. Yes leo was always the one there for his brothers when they needed, but he wasnt used to him being the one overwhelmed with his own emotions and support from his family.

It was nice, not unwelcome but foreign

"alright, time for training" leos says, the three groaning at the mere mention of training, but none voice anything against it.

Hopefully if leo got enough training in it would tire him out enough that they could convince him patrol wouldnt be a smart idea. It was coming into winter, so the nights were cold up on the rooftops and leo would always manage to ditch the scarf they forced him in.

Leo dragged all three of them into the dojo, smiling triumphantly already excited to do something. Until he saw splinter in there waiting expectantly.

"hello my sons, leonardo. how are you feeling? i realise we possibly have much to talk about" leo resists the urge to retreat into his shell.

He wasnt scared of his dad, obviously. Possibly a little scared- But! He really did not want to have another "im actually autistic" talk. He already felt like a liability to the team, especially with his weak immune system and what not, and he was afraid his father would think he wasnt fit to lead.

His whole life had been deticated to being a good big brother and leader, a parental figure even. He wouldnt wish the stress of leader on his brothers for anything in the world. His brothers could do it eventually sure, even mikey despite the teasing from raph and donnie, but it would take a toll on their mental health greatly. Leo didnt want them to fork up more of their innocence.

Besides, what would he be if not the oldest, strongest and the leader? If one day donnie actually had the idea to figure out their ages, and leo was what- to be revealed as the actual youngest? What would leo even have? He'd just end up as dead weight.

Leo sighed quietly, his smile from earlier dropping into a thin line, more strict and serious.

"hai, sensei"

Chapter Text

"your brothers were quite worried while you were sick, as was i. are you feeling better my son?" splinter asked in his usual calm tone. The four brothers kneal infront of their father like usual, and leo was kind of shitting his shell right now.

"yes sensei, much better. im apologise for missing training yesterday, im ready to join today" leo said respectfully, bowing his head low. He fully prepared to make up for it during todays training.

"it is quite alright leonardo, raise yourself. you were ill, your body needed rest. i assume you were told to 'take it easy' by your brothers already, no?" splinter asks, looking towards the other three with a raised eyebrow.

"yes sensei, leos definetly heaps better compared to yesterday, but we're still worried. ive cleared him for training though" donnie announced with a smile. Splinter hummed in acknowledgement and thanked donnie.

"now, is there something you want to tell me" splinter asked, leaving the question open for anyone to answer but it was clearly directed towards leonardo.

The question didnt hold any accusation or suspicion behind it, but genuine curiosity and concern.

Of course he already knew what donatello had told him, but leo didnt know that.

Mikey nudged his big brothers side, giving him an encouraging smile. Leo offered his own awkward half smile back, taking in a nervous deep breath and raising his head to look at his father fully. He didnt say anything for a long moment, sitting frozen trying to figure out what to say.

"leonardo, you may speak your mind. whatever it is, it is alright" and thats all it takes for leos throat to close up and bottom lip tremble.

"i uh.. am autistic?" leo mumbled, more of a question then a statement. He trained his eyes down, avoiding eye-contact with everyone.

He expected questions, to be repremanded and asked how this came about all the sudden. To have his leader title stripped away, not fit to lead or protect.

"thank you for telling me, my son" splinter says warmly.

Leos eyes snap up to his fathers, glossy but without falling tears. Splinter smiles softly.

"you... im still fit to lead? im not- incapable?" leo mumbles, full of now revealed insecurity and vulnerability that breaks his familys heart.

"leonardo, this does not change anything. you were born this way, a label does not change who you are. yes it may change a few things to accommodate you more, im sure your brothers will see to it that, that, is done. but i do not think any less of you, my son. i would never. and i am proud of you for finding and accepting yourself" splinter says gently, watching his son with an aching love as slow, silent tears fall from midnight blue eyes.

"thank you sensei" leo whispers, wiping his face, desperate to stop the slow flow or tears.

Splinter opens his arms wide, and leo was really hoping it meant he could jump in his fathers arms and cling to him like his life depended on it; because thats exactly what he did. His brothers surrounded them as well, warm, proud and loving smiles on their faces.

Maybe splinter wasnt always as present as he should be, maybe he put too much pressure and responsibility on leonardo and neglected all four of his sons. Maybe his teachings were harmful and borderline abusive. But leo chose to ignore everything for this moment. He loved his sensei, his master. His father.

"alright, time for training"

"hai sensei"

-

The four ran through regular training, leo as eager and lively as ever. By the end of it, the younger boys prayers and worries had come true, fortunately and unfortunately not to the extent they initially thought.

Leo had tired himself out with training, very clearly exhausted but it looked to be matched with his usual exhaustion. Whether that was worrying or not the three couldnt tell, but they were definetly going to make leo stop training so god damn hard and sleep in once in a while.

The oldest still wanted to go on patrol, already mapping out a route and marking down times to go. It was very similar to the usual plan, changed slightly to fit the recent crime.

Leos condition hadnt gotten worse, persay. But he did have to take a short break that was definetly not willingly, because his asthma had begun to act out. It was clearly worse with his low immune system being even lower as just getting over a cold, but his health didnt backtrack like they feared.

- previously

"Leo you- sit down, upright- yea like that- and breathe. here slowly, too fast" donnie instructed, trying to flow leo through his breathing so he wasnt sent through an asthma attack.

Everything was all well and good until leos breathing got a little heavy, then he coughed a few times and his breath caught in his throat.

Usually leo didnt have trouble with his asthma during physical activity, it was basically what he spent soxty pertcent of his time doing so his body kind of just adaped. That and the fact that he was a mutant turtle that could hold his breathe for well over the regular time of a human.

"do you need the inhaler?" mikey asked, standing close just in case.

"no... im okay" leo said lowly, focusing on breathing right.

He got better slowly, breathing still a little heavy and sitting out for the next five minutes while his brothers continued training, much to his dismay.

- now

"alright, everyone ready to head out?" leo asked, geared up and sheathing his swords.

His brothers groan in protest, and leo raises his non-existent brow.

"cmon guys we go on patrol most nights, why is tonight any different?" leo asked, confused and eager to continue actually doing things.

He felt- well useless when he wasnt doing something to inevitably help someone. He always felt so stupid, because despite his intelligence he often didnt understand what people were saying. He would pretend, but it was always really embarrassing when he would slip up. Donnie and raph were often very sarcastic, leo had to try not to respond most the time because he couldnt tell whether they were being genuine; eventhough he himself can be very sarcastic. He'd have to ask donnie if that was an autism thing or if his feeling of stupidity was true.

"yea its not patrol we have an issue with its you going on patrol we have an issue with" donnie said, strapping his bo staff to his back.

"well you're not going without me" leo responds, crossing his arms.

"leo thats not what i meant. its cold outside right now and you've just come better after being out in the cold too long! we shouldnt be going out tonight, we havent even had any crime alerts tonight" donnie tries to reason, moreso sounding like a health lecture. Why was leo so god damn stubborn about these things.

"no. i made a plan and we're sticking to it" leo said sternly, now using his leader voice that usually made his brothers just shut up and temporarily take whatever order they were being given.

As soon as donnie and mikey heard leo talk about his planning, they immediately stopped arguing (not that mikey was more arguing compared to whining).

Having unexpected change in routines, schedules and plans are difficult for leo to handle. And now that they knew, they were going to avoid it.

Raph didnt entirely seem to get the memo and went to continue arguing.

With leos head turned while adujusting his swords, donnie punched him in the arm, glaring at him and mouthing "let him go". Raph thought for a moment, and then realised and sighed.

"wheres your scarf, if we're going ya have to wear it" raph orders in his usual grumpy tone.

Leos head quickly turned around, a slightly disgusted look on his face.

"i am not wearing that thing" he says, eyes squinted.

"yea even if you do you'll just somehow end up with it off you anyways" mikey teases.

"how do you even manage to get it off without us knowin" raph asks, rolling his eyes.

"it comes off when im fighti-" leo insists, getting cut off immediately.

"no it doesnt. why wont you wear it?" donnie asks, pushing for an answer. None of them wanted leo going out in the cold, but they couldnt just keep him in the lair six months a year.

"its itchy" leo muttered bitterly. He really hated his scarf.

Donnie sighed and raph rolled his eyes.

"why didnt you just say something leo!" mikey asked in a teasing tone, smiling warmly.

"i dont know.." leo mumbled, embrassed and confused on why he didnt just simply say something.

"here try mine, its softer and then ill just take yours since i dont mind the texture" donnie appeared next to leo, holding out a dull purple scarf that was definetly a much softer material compared to leos.

Leo grabbed it from his brother, feeling it in his hands then wrapping it around his neck slowly. When he didnt immediately scramble to take it off, raph marched up to him, pulling the fabric up to cover up to leos nose.

Leo pulled it down slightly, not all the way, secretly enjoying how the scarf actually gave him warmth.

"alright fearless, lets go on patrol"

Chapter Text

Patrol went surprisingly smooth for once. They stopped a low level burglary and saved a girl and her feminine presenting friend in an alley-way from a couple of sleazy clearly transphobic men. But other than that it was all in all a pretty calm night. Leo managed to keep his scarf on the entire time, not hating it thanks to donnie giving him a softer texture. He did however forget his epi-pen as per usual. Thankfully donnie now carries around a spare, even for nights like this where leo fortunately doesnt have a bad allergic reaction. He managed to come home with a few welts on his arms from mosquitoes.

"don where'd you put the itchy allergy cream?" leo asked, looking through the draw in the medbay with all the balms and creams.

"here, sorry i used it for an ant bite on mikey the other day because he wouldnt stop whining" donnie said with a smile, handing leo the cream he was looking for.

Leo smiled and thanked him, walking out into the kitchen to sit with a cup of tea and apply the cream.

Why do bugs hate him? The bitey stinger ones, they're so incredibly annoying and-

Leos mental 'i hate bugs' rant was cut off by a loud bang and yells.

Its two in the morning, his brothers should be getting ready to go to bed- or already IN bed. What the hell were they doing.

Leo got up, putting his mug on the sink and quickly wrapping a couple bandages around the now cream covered welts so he wasnt tempted to scratch at them.

He walked towards the pit where he saw an angry donnie and raph chasing mikey.

"what are you guys doing?!" leo spoke up, narrowing his eyes when they stopped and looked towards him.

"i was just trynna feed spike and shell for brains water ballooned me!" raph was fuming, glaring at mikey who clearly had no regrets.

"then they ran into MY lab and broke one of my beakers!" donnie quickly added, sending his little brother a glare as well.

"michelangelo what have i said about pranks at the wrong times" leo asks sternly, watching as mikey shrinks slightly at the upcoming mama leo scolding.

"that as long as the pranks are harmless its alright, but i should always think about the timing and how people will react. especially after missions and patrol cause everyone's always tired" mikey mumbles back like a child being scolded by their mum.

"exactly, so how do you think raph would react to being waterballooned late at night after patrol?" leo contuined, softening a little.

"not good" mikey said, kicking his feet sheepishly.

"apologise, now" leo said in a more gentle voice to before. He had to remember mikey would be tired as well, so he didnt want to upset him.

"sorry for pranking you raphie, sorry about the beaker dee" mikey said, smiling apologetically at his brothers.

Leo sent the older two a look, to which they both groaned at.

"its fine mikey, it was just a beaker" donnie said, offering an exasperated smile.

"yea yea whatever" raph said, waving him off, clearly still irritated but significantly more calm.

"raph, next time this happens try to refrain from chasing him around, just come tell me and ill deal with it. and don same goes for you, i can go get you a new beaker soon. mikey i want your stash of waterballoons tomorrow morning" leo says gently, because if he wasnt gentle raph would probably blow his top.

"okay thanks leo!" donnie replied, smiling at the offer for a new beaker.

"sure whatever mother hen" raph muttered, much calmer now.

"but... okay fine" mikey grumbled, not staying upset for too long.

"oh by the way april texted, her and casey are going to come over tomorrow. casey wants to apologise for the other day now that you're better, i said that they could come. i hope thats okay?" donnie asked, hopeful smile that his big brother would allow it.

"if not then ill tell em they cant come myself" raph said, donnie backing him up with a nod. Leo sighed quietly and smiled.

"its fine, they're fine to come over i dont mind" he said with a warm smile. Donnie was excited that their human friends were coming over, raph looked skeptical but didnt protest and mikey was nervous but excited and hopeful.

"alright now go to bed. its late and donnie i will lock you out of your lab tonight do not test me" leo said, watching as mikey ran to bed yelling goodnights to everyone.

Leo wasnt going to bed. As soon as donnie said april and casey were coming over a pit formed in his stomach and his anxiety immediately went haywire. He wasnt scared of his friends, he hangs out with them all the time but last time didnt go the greatest, what if they think less of him?

Donnie reluctantly walked to his room, saying goodnight to his older brothers as he disappeared down the hallway.

"raph that does mean you too" leo said, bringing a hand to his chest and tapping his fingers on his plastron.

"shouldnt it mean you too" raph countered, looking leo up and down.

"yea im going to" no he wasnt.

Leo was going to go sit in the kitchen with another cup of tea because as much as he hated to admit, he was exhausted. This cold and then training and patrol today wore him out. But with the recent spike in his anxiety, he was sure his insomnia would play up if he went to bed now. Insomnia caused by anxiety? Its great fun, leo loves it.

"whats wrong. dont lie to me fearless, i see ya tappin and you're real tense" leo sighed, looking downwards and raph instantly softened.

"leo you can talk to me. what the shells goin on in that head of yours?" raph asked gently, putting a hand on leos shoulder, making the blue masked turtle look up into green eyes.

"i... im just anxious about seeing casey and april tomorrow and dont think ill be able to sleep. anxiety causes insomnia, you know?" leo says with a small smile, raphs expression turns angry.

"if casey says anything stupid, ill get rid of em straight away. they dont even have to come here. if ya decide you're not ready or somethin its fine" raph says, clearly protective. Leo smile falters, quickly averting his eyes downwards and not responding.

Raph clicks his tongue and grabs leos arm, dragging him towards the couch in the pit.

"what are you-" leos cut off by practically being thrown onto the lounge, raph sitting beside him and looking at him.

"talk. dont give me some skimpy explanation, you've had ya anxiety ya whole life we all know 'bout it. you're allowed to talk. so talk" raph says sternly, and when leo goes to spit some lie about how hes really perfectly fine and raph should just go to bed, the younger glares at him, shutting down that idea. Leo sighs and brings his knees to his chest, tapping his fingers on his knees.

"im just worried they think less of me, like they'll think of me as incompetent and useless. i was so scared master splinter would revoke my leadership and figure out im no longer capable, because if im not leader then i have no purpose. im not a useful asset to the team, especially if the things ive dedicated my whole life to gets taken away because of my inadequacy. my whole life to being the leader, the most reliable and protecting you three. leading you three. i want to be good and i guess im just scared april and casey will think im not... like im scared you guys will feel that way..." leo mumbled the last bit, avoiding eyecontact so he couldnt see raphs reaction.

Once he started talking he... he couldnt stop. It felt so nice to get it off his chest. Something he'd felt and held onto his entire life.

"it... ok im shit at this but this obviously comes from stuff you've felt for a while but- all this? just because you're autistic?" raph asks, gesturing with his hands. Leo nodds softly, feeling tears prick in his eyes.

No, he wasnt going to sit here and cry infront of his brother again- hes been doing that way too much lately.

"you idiot- you're thinking of this as if its a new disease you just caught or something. you've been autistic your whole life. having a label and unmasking, which is something you're clearly learning to do and its a good thing, that doesnt change you capability as a leader or make you a shit brother? leonardo i know i give you hell sometimes but for real? you are the best big brother we could ask for. all three of us know spinter wasnt or isnt a good enough parent but us three barely feel that compared to you because you've always been everything he wasnt. everything we needed. never ever doubt your worth, because without you i have no idea where we'd be but we wouldn't be here. mikey wouldnt be annoyingly bouncy and happy, donnie wouldn't be his dorky nerd self and i... I'd probably be a bigger massive jerky asshole. we need you as our leader and our brother and hell our mum sometimes because you're such a mother hen." leo lifted his head up and looked at raph with wide eyes, tears definetly wanting to fall even more now.

"what? did i say something wrong? shell leo i-" raph quickly panicked, trying to fix whatevers hes just screwed up.

"no raph you- you said everything right. i promise" leo smiled shakily, trying to hold back tears. Raph scanned leo for a second before grinning softly, putting his forehead against his brothers.

"i meant it, all of it. and if some dumb shit happens tomorrow we'll be there to back you up. and kick their annoying asses" leo laughed, sounding a little choked up but refusing to let himself cry.

He had just let so many of his insecurities out, insecurity he was sure was stupid and he'd be made fun of for having. But raph just immediately denied it without question. Was even confused on how leo could feel that way about himself to begin with. The fact that it was just so sickeningly genuine it burned. In a good way, mostly.

"thanks raph...i just, i guess i really needed to hear that" both boys laughed and pulled away.

"you dont have to thank me, anytime man seriously" raph said warmly.

"you really think if you're not useful, or like serving someone some purpose- you're not like, worth it? not important? like a waste of space or somethin?" raph asked, confused look on his face. Leo just offered a small, sad smile and shrugged.

"well thats not true" raph quickly assured.

Both sat in a comfortable silence for s few minute, just enjoying being with eachother in a rarely silent and peaceful setting. Soon leo yawned, which made raph yawn as well.

"okay time for bed raphael" leo said, smiling gently at the small glare he received.

"yea yea whatever mum. you gettin some sleep too?" raph countered, not forgetting what his brother said about staying up. Something in leos heart twisted about the nickname.

"i think i just need a bit, but id feel better knowing all of you were safe and asleep. im gonna go make tea, you know that english breakfast stuff i put milk in? then ill go to bed" leo announced with a reassuring smile. Raph looked at him for a second before sighing, eventually giving in and trudging off to bed.

"hey leo!" he called out before going down the hallway.

"yea?" leo replied, really just wanting his brother to get some sleep.

"i love you man, come find me if you need me" raph said with a glare, retreating down the hallway to his room.

Leo laughed a little, getting up and going into the kitchen to make tea. Once it was made, he sat on the floor with his cup and choked on a sob. He gripped his mug tighter, sipping through quiet tears.

Leo didnt know what to do. His whole family had been overwhelmingly supportive- but was knowing hes autistic even better? Would he have been better off trying to hide forever? Not telling his family? Slowly killing himse-

No, he wasnt allowed to think that way. Maybe... maybe it would be easier for his family to not have him around, eventually. But not now- he cant abandon them.

No, killing himself is put of the question, no matter how much of a burden. Unless it starts to hurt his family, his brothers, he'll continue to be here. Dont be selfish leonardo, he need to be here for his family. When the time comes they dont need him or want him, then thats fine. Until then he will continue to try his hardest to be useful and help his family. Indulge in mikey, nurture donnie and guide raph.

But he doesnt know what to do- is he just supposed to keep living his life? Is he supposed to be different? What is he supposed to do.

No, this isnt any different. Raph said a label doesnt make him different. He's still him. Hes the same he was a week ago when he was struggling during training because of the textures of the carpet or a month ago when he didnt sleep for four days before literally passing out because of his anxiety induced insomnia.

He spends hours on the kitchen floor, going over everything in his head. He cant understand that there isnt something wrong with him and hes the same as hes always been. Is this why hes always felt so stupid? So inadequate? So lost? Why he never understood splinter and had to work for hours upon hours to figure out his teachings so he could be the best for his family?

All the sudden hes ten years old again, crying in his room after mikey made a joke everyone understood except for leo. Everyone laughed, except for leo. What made it worse was that the punchline was somehow the oldest turtle and he didnt understand. It wasnt anything mean, donnie explained it to him at a later date after they all teased him while he sat there clueless.

He crawled into raphs bed that night, sniffling and craving comfort. He cried too much in his bed and it made it unbearably uncomfortable, he couldnt sleep in there. It felt foreign and his brothers always made him feel better. He couldnt be mad at them, it wasnt their fault he was so dumb.

Leo wanted to do that again tonight, he was exhausted and if he didnt sleep now he had a feeling the day wouldnt end well. It was already seven in the morning, everyone went to bed around two so they'll probably be up around eleven.

The poor turtle didnt think he could cry anymore than he had. Why had he even cried so much? Was it because he finally talked about deep rooted insecurities that hes kept away for years, and then raph just... listened and helped. He listened. He reassured him- leo rarely ever gets reassured! Hes the one doing the reassuring!

Leo got up, putting his now mostly empty and very cold cup of tea in the sink, and walked through the lair. He went to the pit first to make sure no one was watching TV or skating this early, then went to donnies lab. Thankfully he wasnt in there, which would mean he'd be in his room.

First room down the hallway was leos, but he skipped that, needing to check on his brothers. If he didnt check on his brothers, he surely wouldnt sleep. It was a part of his unofficial routine.

The next was donnies, door closed and no lights peaking out underneath. Leo opened the door silently, peaking in to see donnie fast asleep in his covers on his back. Donnie was the only one out of all of them that could sleep willingly on his back, raph and mikey considered that he was a psychopath but had no other proof. Lel smiled fondly, closing the door quietly and contiuing his path down the hall.

This door was mikeys, covered in old half peeled stickers from years ago. The door was already partially open, so all leo had to do was push gently. The youngest was sound asleep, in an odd position on his stomach and the blankets kicked to the floor. Leo stifled a laugh at the poor state of his brother and walked into the room. He fixed mikey up so he was in a more comfortable position and wouldnt complain to leo in the morning or make him give him a massage. Careful not to wake the turtle, he layed the blanket over him so he didnt get cold and smiled proudly at his work.

Last but not least; raphs room. Just like leo had predicted, raph was fast asleep like the others, on his side with his blanket over him. Leo stammered at the door, wishing that was him right now.

He really wanted to crawl into his brothers arms and sleep soundly like he did when he was younger and his anxiety gave him insomnia. He almost always went to raph unless he was scared of making him mad, but as he got older and they faught more, the more he grew out of that habit and hid the want to be close to his brother.

But leo really wanted to sleep, he needed to. If he didnt his brothers would be able to tell, and he could easily lie and say he just wasnt having a great day but then donnie would probably tell april and casey not to come and then theyd get even more mad at him and so would his brothers then everyone would hate him and master splinter would kick him out because-

Yea, leo really needed to calm down. He needed his brother.

After a mini pep talk in his head, he quietly walked over to raphs bed and crawled into it. Raph stirred, wrapping his arm over leo and pulling him slightly closer. The younger was always protective, even in his sleep. Leos heart immediately stopped racing nervously at the gesture, he no longer felt like he was going to explode.

He slowly relaxed, all the tension leaving his body as his eyes began to feel heavy. He snuggled closer into his brother, seeking warmth and familiarity from family. Soon his eyes dropped shut and everything went dark, leo fell asleep.

As soon as raph felt leo fully relax, hearing his breathing even out his peeked his eyes open and looked to the sleeping turtle in his arms.

Little did the blue turtle know, raph missed how close they were when they were younger as well. He felt guilty, knowing his hard-headedness, anger and jealousy was mostly at fault. But the fact that leo crawled in here tonight and fell asleep like he did when they were snot nosed brats means that they're still good. Their bond is still there, and knowing that? Raph was content.

"you big idiot, better not wake up at ten like you usually do" raph whispered, smiling triumphantly and closing his eyes, falling back asleep.

- the next morning -

It was now twelve in the afternoon, raph had been awake since eleven, sitting up in his bed and reading comics. Leo was still sleeping silently next to him, breathing softly and wrapped in the red clad turtles blanket.

Leo came to bed with his mask on, still a little damp from crying last night so raph had sighed fondly and removed it carefully, just thankful leo had the motivation and thought to remove his gear.

Every now and then raph had to look down from his comic book to make sure leo was alright and still there. The olders breathing was so unusually quiet, for some reason worrying the red clad turtle. He shrugged it off though, focusing on his comic and spare a glace at his still very much asleep brother.

There was a knock at his door, immediately opening followed by a quick a slightly panicked voice.

"raph? we cant find leo and just thought he went on a run but he wont answer his t-phone an-" donnie quickly cut himself off once he saw raph shushing him, turning to mikey and telling him to be quiet as well.

The younger turtles looked to where raph was gesturing, seeing the big brother they were previously looking for sound asleep, safe and in their older brothes bed.

Both boys immediately relaxed, walking inside further and sitting on the end of the bed.

"oh thank the pizza god in the sky- i thought he did some dumb solo mission again and got hurt!" mikey said quietly, just above a whisper.

"whys he in here? and still asleep? he usually wakes up before us" donnie asks, eyes still scanning the older for any signs of injury.

"hes fine, he got all anxious and insecure on me last night after you two went to bed, then crawled in my bed at around seven and fell asleep. think he'd been cryin but dont ask him 'bout it when he wakes up" raph said quietly, morning voice still present since he clearly hadnt been talking.

"he should sleep then, april and casey arent coming over till three. their classes end around two" donnie offers, taking his eyes away from leo to raph.

"whatd he say last night?" mikey mumbled worriedly, glancing at his oldest brother before looking back at raph.

"he got all anxious about seein april 'n case today, thought they'd think less of him or somethin. he was scared splinta' wouldnt think hes worthy of leadin or bein a good brother anymore. hes scared of us thinkin that as well. always has been. its like he thinks hes caught some disease, but the thoughts have been around a while- like since he was a little kid awhile" raph says little kid, because they're all still kids. They forget it sometimes, and they think splinter forgets it most the time. Every since they turned fifteen and went up top for the first time. Especially when it comes to leo, whos been acting as, as much of an adult as he possibly could, his whole life.

"why does he think that... did we do something to make him think that?" mikey asked, saddened by the reveal of his brothers insecurities.

"no i dont think so, atleast not anything bad ya' know? its just somethin hes always felt. like hes always needed to be mature and protective 'nd there for us so if he isnt he feels like he isnt useful. 'nd he obviously has this weird thing around bein useful says how much hes worth. hes just feelin it more now that he knows hes autistic, like i said its like he thinks hes caught a disease even though he knows completetly what autism is" raph reassured immediately.

Leo shivered a little while sleeping, snuggling into the blanket and unconsiously moving closer to raphs body for warmth. Raph cracked a smile, shuffling a little closer to the sleeping turtle and pulling his blanket up over his shoulders from where it had fallen.

"you look like leo all those times we watched him tuck mikey in" donnie says, smiling fondly at his brother.

"say I look like leo again 'nd ill smack ya shell in" raph mutters the empty threat, sending donnie a half-hearted glare. Donnie just smiles cheekily, tooth gap and all.

"raphhh can we stay in here until we get leo up? pleeeeeaaaaa-"

"holy shell yes god damn shut up" raph mutters, sighing and going back to his comic.

- later -

"hey guys i just got a text from april saying they're finishing up a few things with their professors then coming down" donnie said quietly while typing back a response.

"meaning we have to wake up leo?" mikey asks.

"yes, mikey" donnie mutters, still focused on his phone.

"aw shell but donnie i dont think ive ever seen leo so like- peaceful" mikey whispers, gesturing with his hands to emphasise his point.

"yea i know but they're coming over primarily to talk to leo so- he kind of needs to be awake" donnie says, looking down at his brother and mentally agreeing with what mikey was saying.

Leo looked so incredbly content and peaceful in the presence of his brothers, and while sleeping? Well the others really have never seen him so calm. Even when meditating most the time leo still had an edge to him.

"jus' tell 'em to piss off and come later or they can come and just wait. quietly" raph mutters, flipping over a page of his comic aggressively.

"im not doing that. leo wouldnt be very impressed if we did that"

"oh big woop fearless can get over it when he wakes up by himself"

"its two in the afternoon"

"and hes still asleep"

"so we wake him?"

"no shellbrain he obviously needs to sleep"

"i get that but he wont be happy if we-"

"morning leo!" mikey cheers softly crawling over to a now half awake leo and cuddling into him.

"mm... mornin' mikey..." leo mumbled while rubbing his eyes, deep morning voice sounding gravelly.

"you sleep okay?" mikey asked, offering his sleepy brother a smile.

"yea-" leo said, yawning and cutting off anything else he was going to say.

"still sleepy?" mikey teased as leo sat up with the blanket still wrapped around him, bringing him in for a hug that leo melted into.

"a little... what time is it" leo asked, mind still hazy with sleep. Raph shot donnie a triumphant smirk, being responded with a glare before answering.

"its around three-ish in the afternoon" raph said, getting a confirmation nod from donnie.

"whyd you let me sleep so late?" leo muttered, annoyed and embarrassed.

"you didnt go to sleep till seven in the morning why would we wake you up at eleven are you crazy?" raph asked, leo didnt offer a response.

"how are you feeling leo? still good? no sicker than yesterday?" donnie questions concernedly.

"yea don just tired. dont worry im good" leo says, smiling softly with half lidded eyes.

"hey guys we're here!"

"where yall at?" april and caseys voices could be heard from the front of their lair, the humans making all the boys freeze. Leo jumped a little at the sudden noise, still not fully awake and not expecting the sudden loud noise.

"we're in raphs room!" leo quickly called out as loudly as he could, putting his hands over his ears at his own unexpected volume.

"you sure leo?" donnie quickly asked, no louder than a whisper.

"yea dee its fine, ive just gotta wake up 'cause you didn' wake me up earlier" leo mumbled, laughing a little and rubbing both his eyes, yawning again.

"if you woke up earlier you woulda been dead on ya feet fearless. you should still be asleep" raph mutters grumpily, rolling his eyes as leo when the older waves him off.

"hi guys!" april smiles warmly, standing at the door.

"hey, come in" raph offers, this being his room.

"sup dudes" casey said, usual grin on his face.

"is leo okay?" april asked, peering down at the oldest in mikeys arms with a concerned glance.

"hes chill!" mikey assured with a smile

"hes just an idiot who didnt go to sleep till seven in the morning and just woke up" raph said, receiving a light punch from donnie.

"he is right here and can hear you" leo announced sarcastically, sitting up out of mikeys hug and offering the two humans a wave.

"hi april, hi casey" he said with his usual small smile. The two smiled and waved back, offering their own greetings.

"alright- casey has something he needs to say to you leo" april says very passive aggressively, tugging casey forward by the arm and squinting her eyes at him threateningly.

"hehe... thanks for reminding me red. uh leo dude im really sorry about my reaction and what i said. its totally fine you're autistic, like you've been that way your whole life and it obviously doesnt make you any less rad or anything. i was an idiot for sayin what i said and i hope we're cool?" casey said, offering a guilty and apologetic smile.

"case its fine, promise" leo offered a reassuring smile and casey let out a large breath of air, slumping dramatically and winking at leo jokingly.

"leo i want you to know we love you so much and im sorry you didnt get to tell us when you felt ready. let us know if theres anything we can do to support you know that we know, mkay? hug?" april said sternly, big sister love shining through as she opened her arms for a hug.

Leo nodded and smiled warmly, secretly very thankful april asked about a hug so he knew what the hell she was doing so he didnt sit there looking like an idiot. He quickly got up and walked into her arms, immediately being squeezed big the girl.

"thanks 'pril" he mumbled, muffled by her shoulder.

"no worries blue, family always sticks together yea?" april said back without hesitation, pulling away to show a loving smile on her face.

"alright yo who wants pizza? we picked it up on the way here, first one out there gets first pick!" casey yelled, taking off down the hall with mikey, raph and even donnie quickly following behind.

Leo and april just laughed at their brothers, listening as they tripped over eachother and fought.

"we should probably go get some before its gone" april says through laughs, leo agrees and they both walk out to the pit to see the boys eating surprisingly calmly.

April sits next to casey on the floor, while leo sits next to raph on the couch, looking through one of the pizza boxes thats already empty and setting it aside.

"here, i saved you some" raph says, shoving a pizza box in leos lap and shoving a slice in his own mouth.

"thanks raph" leo smiles, taking out a slice.

"anytime brother"

Chapter Text

Leo walked out of the pit into the kitchen, away from the crackly noise of the tv that raph, casey and mikey were watching. Leo couldnt handle it today, and his headphones were in his room. But if he went in his room he was sure he could crawl into his bed and never come out. He hadnt slept much last night, anxiety induced insomnia keeping him awake all night after they got hoke from patrol. There wasnt even anything for him to be anxious about, he just was.

They had training this morning so leo was beyond exhausted and overestimated from the amount of contact and movement.

Donnie had fallen asleep in his lab again and leo didnt want to accidentally disturb him by searching for the natural based medicine that was supposed to calm nerves. Sleeping meds dont work that great for his insomnia, they're definetly a last resort for when leo says fuck it im too too tired and im totally going to breakdown if i dont sleep for the fourth night in a row.

It wasnt a great day at the moment. Leo was oddly cold but couldnt find his scarf that was once donatellos. He didnt want to walk around the lair in the blanket drawing attention to himself and the idea of being wrapped up tightly like he usually loved made him feel claustrophobic. So he decided to just freeze.

Leo thought of making tea to calm himself down, because that was always supposed to work right? Wrong. The thought of the steam and moisture from boiling water hitting any part of leos skin made him shudder and phsyically cringe, despite the warmth it would give him.

Leo decided to opt for milk instead, opening the fridge and retrieving the drink, making sure to check the expiry date on it because no one in this household knew how to throw out expired food. Seriously, leo got sick from accidentally eating expired food once.

He then reached for the cupboard, realising upon opening it that there were none of the regular cups leo always drank milk in. They must have been on the sink after mikey washed up, he would have forgotten to put them away.

Leo grabbed a cup off the sink, immediately putting it down on the bench after feeling it was wet and a little bit bubbly. He quickly reached for a hand towel and aggressivly wiped the water off his hands, then shaking them to air dry the left over moisture.

He then wrapped the cup in the small towel and dried it, discarding the cloth and reaching for the milk. Pouring milk was easy and the cardboard cartoon was a smooth and shiny texture; safe texture, like donnie liked to call it.

The two had come together and made up a small list off the the top of leos head when it came to casual everyday textures he usually liked and were calming, and textures and always without failure overloaded his sensory issues. They also made lists about what calmed leo down during a panic attack or meltdown, things his brothers and friends could do to help. The list branched off a little bit, leading to a very long, barely able to understand rant from leo about why socks are really good and the most amazing thing ever but gloves are the most horrible thing in the world and leo would rather have no hands then have them covered by gloves.

Leo put the carton back in the fridge, looking down at his accomplished task. He grabbed the the cup without visibly noticing the fuzzy residue the cloth had left on the still slightly wet glass. As soon as he felt the fuzzy yet hard and flat unpleasant texture touch his hands and lips, well- leo dropped his cup. He split the milk and shattered the glass on the floor.

And of course splinter took that moment to walk into the kitchen for one of his cheeseciles.

"leonardo?" the rat man raised an eyebrow at his son and the mess of milk and glass spreading across the tiles.

"sorry master splinter, i dropped a glass" leo said, keeping his eyes trained down at the floor. Splinter was quiet for a moment before replying.

"very well, please make sure it is cleaned" he said.

Leo couldnt do anything but stare.

"hai, sensei" splinter left with nothing more said, clearly not picking up on his sons distress. Hey, leo guessed that came from probably ten years of masking right?

Tears began to well up in his eyes as he wiped his hands on his arms then shook his fists by his sides.

There was no use crying over spilt milk, he should just clean it up, shouldnt he?

How would he do that though. If he cleaned up the glass first he'd get milk all over his hands, having them smell like old milk that closely resembled vomit and then he'll have to wash his hands three times. He couldnt just pick up the glass anyway at the risk of cutting himself. But he also couldnt sweep up the glass while there was milk on the floor surrounding it, it would make a bigger mess.

So he should clean up the milk first right? But he cant wipe while theres a million shards of glass in the puddle of liquid. And even if he did manage to clean up the entire puddle around the glass, the shards would still be covered in milk themselves and couldnt be swept or picked up or-

"leo? what are you doing?" donnies voice coming from the kitchen opening. There were footsteps that led behind him, he didnt look up and follow donnie with his eyes, keeping his gaze trained down at the mess he made.

"oh you dropped a glass. hey its just a cup, its okay" donnie put a hand on leos shoulder, to which the blue clad turtle immediately shrugged off, involuntarily letting out frusterated clicks. Nothing can touch, no touching.

"okay no physical contact time... got it. raph, mikey!" donnie yelled, apologising when leo flinched slightly.

"dude what" mikey groaned, walking into the kitchen with raph.

"could you guys clean this up please?" the boys were going to protest, seeing the mess on the floor, but when they looked up to see their older brother crying over it they immediately shut their mouths and got to work.

Leo went to tell them to stop and it wasnt their mess, but he couldnt speak. Suddenly the mess was gone, it was that easy to clean up. If it was so easy why did leo have such a hard time processing it to begin with? The mere thought of how to clean it overwhelmed him, why was it so easy for them?

"all done, you good man?" raph asked, walking over to leo who continued to glare at the ground. He felt so icky and frusterated, like everything wouldnt leave him alone and stop touching him.

"dude what'd the ground ever do to you, you're looking at it all angry" mikey joked, nudging leo who immediately hit him away and moved away from the three, and flapping his hands like he did when he was stressed out. Why could mikey joke and do things so easily but he couldnt. It- it wasnt fair!

"okay guys, no touch time. leo, hey its okay. breathing with me. in.... out" donnie started, watching as leo backed against the corner cupboard and sunk to the floor, bringing his knees to his chest and covering his ears while screwing his teary eyes shut.

"guys? whats going on, are you okay?" aprils voice from the kitchen doorway, the three turtles looked to see casey there as well. Leo sunk himself further down, pressing tightly on his ears.

"raph, they cant be in here, too many people talking to him at once." donnie quickly muttered. Raph nodded in understanding and left the room to keep their human friends out.

If this was to have happened a year ago, which similar situations and feelings have, leo would go sit in the dojo or his bedroom and pretend to meditate so he would be left alone. He would hide, his irritability and anti-social behaviour being put off as leo being tired or needing alone time.

Once raph filled in april and casey about the situation, he went to search for leos headphones and something soft for him to fiddle with. Nothing that could be tied, leo had a habit or tying things around his fingers tightly. And nothing hard or pointed as he constantly poked himself as a stim. Like so much to the point where hes come up in welts and bruises from it. Raph thought it was insane and wildly concerning.

Mikey stayed quietly in the room, turning off the lights to now only having lighting from neighbouring rooms giving the kitchen a soft glow rather than harsh yellow tinted brightness.

Donnie had quickly figured out with leo that having social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder mixed with autism? Not an ideal combination for stressful situations, or sometimes just overwhelming situations on bad days; like spilt milk. Donnie really felt bad for his older brother, the poor teenager was always so anxious and worried and had to go through it mostly alone his whole life. His brothers never understood it until leo actually started opening up, around the same time as they found out he was actually autistic.

"nardo, listen to my voice. you're okay, you just need breathe for me and we'll work through everything else" donnie said softly. Dont make lots of complicated demands, dont speak too much, keep your voice quiet and soft, dont overwhelm him more.

Leo didnt like it, donnie was too close- everything was too close. He needed some form of soother, some form of comfort. He couldnt figure out what- but he needed something maybe phsycial but phsycial was so... physical couldnt happen. The floor was fine, it was flat and oddly smooth. Not sticky or having cracks in it. The pressure from his shell leaning on the cupboard was fine- but donnie was too close. This was so frustrating and stupid and why was everything in his head and space-

Leo kicked his feet out, just missing donnie as he moved backwards to not be hit. Leo stopped kicking and banged his fists on his head, not too hard but hard enough to possibly injure himself.

"leo i know you dont want me close, please dont hurt yourself. its okay i promise" donnie almost pleaded. He didnt want to invade leos space, but he couldnt let him hurt himself. He was a little panicked, leo hadnt had many violent meltdowns where he couldnt somehow calm him doen.

It was at that moment raph came with the headphones, carrying a pillow because he couldnt find anything leo would usually fiddle with and he felt he was taking too long.

"donnie what the shell? here its okay dont you panic too, move ive got his headphones" raph pushed past donnie gently, coming close slowly.

"leo hey, ive got your headphones. you wan' em?" raph spoke quietly, nudging the headphones into leos foot.

Leo opened his eyes, teary ocean blue meeting bright green. Raph smiled softly, picking up the headphones and holding them out to leo, watching as his older twin quickly put them on.

The headphones helped, like usual, everything was softer. Quiter. More bearable. He started rubbing his hands up and down his thighs, more was missing. He needed more, but less at the same time.

Tears still flowed down his sticky damp face, breathing still not evened out and very shakey. Raph placed the pillow on leos lap, knowing he always felt comforted from something covering the middle/lower part of his body. Leo didnt move it or shove raph away like he had to donatello, so it must have been the right thing to do.

Leos hands were sitting on his knees curled into tight fists, uncut and sharp nails digging into his palms and drawing blood. Raph had sat down infront of the oldest now, and he held his hands out.

"squeeze my hands" raph offered gently, leos hands untightened, hovering in air as raph took that as a que to gently take his hands and squeeze slightly, thankful when leo tightly squeezed his hands and didnt let go.

Their hands rested near the floor, leos head cradled in his knees as he hyperventilated and cried. Raph offered small encouragements along the way as they sat there. Mikey and donnie left around thirty minutes ago after seeing that leo was safe with their brother, going to see their human friends.

It'd been about an hour since the boys found leo in the kitchen, and he had mostly calmed down, still a little shaken and irritable. Raph listened to leos now mostly even breathing, feeling as his grip loosened into a hand hold rather then squeeze. His head was brought up, sniffing as he did so. His blue eyes didnt meet green, but raph was going to take the win he'd recieved.

"theres my brother, you okay?" he asked softly, in a light cooing voice. Leo sat still for a moment, looking at the ground and then shrugging.

He wasnt like, not okay but he clearly wasnt okay okay- he didnt get it. He just knew the answer wasnt yes or no.

"is there anything you want?" leo thought for a moment, he was still cold. Socks sounded great... he rubbed his feet back and forth on the floor a few times. Raph got the idea, leaving to go retrieve socks and returning with donnies laptop as well.

"figured you might want to watch space heroes, but you didnt look like you wanted to get up so i brought the laptop" he said, handing leo the socks and taking a seat next to him, making sure they werent touching and had distance between them.

Leo put the socks on and brought the pillow in his lap up to his chest, squeezing it against his plastron with his arms wrapped around it. Raph set the laptop down infront of them, pressing play on the show.

"I brought a couple disinfectant wipes and thin bandaging, your hands were bleeding" raph said softly, holding out his hands for leo to give him his.

The blue clad turtle held his shakey hands up as raph wiped them gently, then wrapping bandaging around only his palms and the backs of his hands.

They sit next to eachother as space heroes plays, leo going back to hugging his pillow to his plastron with his freshly bandaged hands. Raph sits there, watching calmly and listening for any sign of leo not being content and calm.

The blue clad turtle pulls one hand away from himself, moving to grasp raphs hand and lay them both on the floor. Leo doesn't make any eye contact, the same way he hadnt all day, but raph still looked at him with a smile anyways.

After two hours of space heroes and raph watching donnie and mikeys paranoid and anxious heads peep around the corner once or twice, leos head slumped gently to the side to lean on the cupboard.

"you tired?" raph asks quietly, rubbing circles on leos hand with his thumb. He watches as leos head nods, eyes still trained down at the laptop screen.

"didnt sleep last night did ya" leo shook his head softly and raph sigh quietly.

"why didnt you come to my room" the younger asks, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. Leo just shrugs slightly.

"you wanna explain to me why you got upset?" raph asked gently, offering not demanding.

Leo was still, he should explain shouldnt he? He and donnie had talked about this, explain triggers and things that go wrong so they can try and prevent leo from getting overstimulated or having panic attacks- stuff like that.

But he still wasnt talking, so he'd have to sign. Raph had started to learn more, and he could understand leo now, just not being able to sign himself.

Leo rasied his hands ready to sign his regular attempt at an explantion but his hands wouldnt stop shaking for him to do the correct signs for words. Raph saw how his brother was getting frustrated and quickly gave an alternative.

"hey stop its okay, why dont you use that text to speech thing donnie put on your T-phone?" the red turtle suggested, pushing leos shaky hands down gently.

The blue clad turtle nodded, grabbing his T-phone from his belt and begining to type.

"i was tired, and cold. and it was loud and i just didnt feel good. and then the glass had fuzzy stuff on it so i accidently dropped it and sensei came in and asked me to clean it, so i spoke when i couldn't again. but then i didnt know how to clean it up i didnt even know where to start and then you guys came in and did it so easily but everything was too close and touchy. sorry" a monotoned voice read out from what leo had typed.

"one dont apologise, this is normal you dont have to be sorry. next time just try to let us know when you feel like this or need help, you're allowed to ask for help. you've been a lot more open lately and its been good leo. and i remember donnie sayin somethin about how sleep helps with emotional regulation and the brain processing stimuli, which you already struggle with, without the added no sleep. why didnt you sleep" raph explained, doing his best to keep his usually agressive tone out of his voice at the moment. He just naturally had a bitchy tone, but he had to be a little more sensitive to tone with leo right now.

"i got too anxious i don't know, i walked around the lair checking everyones rooms a lot because i might have been scared *question mark* but there wasnt anything to be scared of" the voice read out again.

"dude its your anxiety messin ya up. you felt like you needed to be with us and that we were safe?" leo nodded in response.

"when ya feel like that we'll all hang out together until you're calm enough to sleep, alright? come get one of us, i dont give a shit if we're sleepin ok you wake us up" raph said sternly, still full of warmth. Leo didnt respond, keeping his eyes trained on the laptop.

"want to go to your room?" leo immediately shook his head. He didnt want to go to his room, it felt suffocating. He wouldnt sleep, raph would leave because he wasnt comfortable and he would then be left alone. Then he'd get all anxious again and he wouldnt sleep. He'd probably cry out of frustration and it would just start the whole overstimulation process that he'd just worked his way down from.

"alright, my room? we're not going to the pit cause that'll be where the other shellbrains are" raph said, voice still quiet and soft even though muffled through leos headphones. Leo shrugged and raph took it as a yes, closing down the laptop and standing up.

"can you stand?" raph asked gently, zero judgement in his voice.

Leo honestly didnt know if he could move, he hadnt in like three hours. He didnt want to move but... if he fell asleep on the kitchen floor raph would probably carry him to his room and he didnt him to have to do that.

The blue banded turtle hoisted himself up, swaying a little and getting a dizzy spell from getting up too fast.

"woah easy... yea i get it no touchin but I'm not just gonna let ya crack ya head on the floor when you fall over so just bare with me until you're okay" raph muttered at leo trying to hazily push him away.

Once leo was standing upright enough raph let him go, watching him for a moment before telling him to follow him.

Leo hadnt made eye-contact with raph this whole time, telling him that leo was more shaken up than usual after a meltdown. Recently they had only been small and preventable, easily able to calm leo down. But this one was one of the most severe in a little while.

The four pretend not to stare as they watched the oldest turtles walk through the main area of the lair.

"hey leo, you feeling okay?" mikey asked cautiously. Raph looked at mikey, then leo who was still avoiding all eye contact, watching at the blue turtle shrugged and tapped his fingers on his leg; a small movement they all noticed.

"want me to tell em? or we can just go. squeeze one or squeeze two" leo squeezed once, then let go and walked towards raphs room. He didnt need to relieve it, he was already embarrassed and upset enough as always.

"did he tell you what the triggers were?" donnie asked quickly, voice quiet so leo didnt hear.

"well we went out as usual, then he didnt sleep, then we had training. the lair was full with all of us in it and he was feelin all overstimulated and couldnt think properly, so he got frustrated with droppin the glass. hes pushing himself with things again. thats basically the gist i got, ya know he struggles to explain" raph explained, voice also hushed.

"why didnt he sleep?" mikey asked, raising a non-existent brow.

"anxiety, don we need to figure out somethin to do about it. like get him anxiety meds or somethin because it messes him up real bad. he shoulda had them since he was a kid" raph grumbles, not angrily, just concerned for his brother. Donnie nods his head in agreement.

"if you want i can get over the counter medication, if you explain what his anxiety is like to me then i should be able to get one that could specifically help him" april offers, smiling softly.

"that'd be great actually april, ill run you through and figure out what medication would be best suited for him. his anxiety very negatively impacts his autism, so if we can get his anxiety under control then we can prevent panic attacks and things like that which leads into his overstimulation and..." when donnie started rambling and info-dumping raph took it as his que to leave.

As he was walking up the hallway he was stopped by his little brother.

"hey raph! when you guys left i quickly made leo a smoothie, its a safe food right? i havent seen him eat this morning but i dont want him to feel like pressured because he still has trouble eating sometimes, so i made him this and-" mikeys mini rant was cut off by his big brother.

"you wanna come give it to 'im?" mikeys eyes went wide as he nodded aggressively. Raph chuckled and walk3d down the hallway to his room, mikey trailing behind as they were met with leo sitting criss cross on raphs floor, tappy fingers on his plastron.

"you good bro?" raph asked, watching as leo nodded, eyes on the standing turtles feet.

"hi lee i made you a smoothie, you mind if i stay? or i can go" mikey asked nervously, holding out the smoothie. Leo took the cup, noticing that it wasnt glass and smiling slightly while nodding that mikey could stay.

"i figured its good if we dont break another glass today and i made sure to give you a straw because you mentioned one time that straws made it easier to drink and i also made sure to put syrup instead of milk so-"

"mike, he said thank you, ya dork" raph interrupted, pointing towards leo who brought his green hands up to shakily sign 'thank you' again so mikey saw it, blue eyes meeting blue for a split second before leo pulled his gaze back down.

"all good dude. still no touch time?" mikey asked, desperately wanting to give his big brother a hug. Leo thought for a moment, he didnt want sudden phsycial contact, and mikey asked so it was okay. How could he say no to his baby brother?

"tight hug, two seconds" leo signed, opening his arms and mikey dove into them, squeezing tightly then immediately letting go.

Leo sat crisc crossed on the floor, sipping his smoothie. The other two were quiet, talking casually to try and keep leo from feeling awkward but also trying to avoid overstimulation. Leo clearly wasnt focusing on the conversation, the headphones muffling background noise so he didnt have to hear. When he finished was when he had tuned back into his brothers voices.

"alright you dorks get off the floor. leo you think you could sleep with us in here?" raph said as leo and mikey climbed onto the bed, joining his brothers.

Leo didnt just want to go to sleep, that felt too awkward. And he was half way through an episode of space heroes.

"space heroes" leo signed and raph rolled his eyes.

"fine but ya gotta sleep at some point. we're gonna go out on patrol later than usual so ya can sleep and we have time to eat, that cool?" raph asked, opening up donnies laptop and pressing play on the show.

Leo nodded in acknowledgement, eyes immediately trained on the laptop as he got comfortable in raphs bed, being forced to lay down.

"hey leo why does crankshaw never do anything?" mikey asks randomly, looking over to his big brother and smiling softly.

Leo was asleep, curled up laying on his pillow, each of his green hands lightly gripping one of his brothers..

"raphie look" mikey whispered, nudging his big brother and gesturing to leo. When raphs eyes fell to see his brother his face immediately softened into a light smile.

"finally, theres only so much space heroes i can take" raph muttered fondly, rubbing circles on leos hand with his thumb.

"dont be edgy, you know you like spending time with him. its why when hes watching it in the pit you're always conveniently sitting there reading a comic. you like to give him someone to rant to" mikey hummed in response, smiling cheekily.

"yea yea whatever. dont tell anyone" raph grumbled, putting his hand on his brothers head and poking his cheek.

"course big bro, secrets safe with me" mikey teased, laying down infront of leo and putting his forehead against the olders, closing his eyes and smiling contently.

Raph just watched his little brothers, turning off the show and playing something else he was going to sit and watch for a while.

Chapter Text

It was a cool night, not cold but the air was fresh on the rooftops. The boys hadnt gone on patrol, but leo still needed to get out of the lair, leaving to go alone. The three didnt bat an eye when their leader said he was going on a run, leo usually did things like this. Went off on his own and if he was gone too long they'd find him because "he'd call if he got into trouble' was wishful thinking and wishful thinking alone.

Nothing had gone wrong tonight though, leo hadnt even needed to save anyone. It truly was a perfect night, he even saw a couple stars through the polluted skies.

"hi leonardo, what are you looking at?" a voice from behind him, karai. He had noticed her coming but paid no mind until she spoke in his ear.

"admiring the stars, who knows if ill ever see them again in this polluted city" leo said calmly, not taking his eyes from the sky.

"you're oddly poetic and depressing at the same time, its impressive. you should write a book" karai muses, sitting next to leo on the edge of the roof.

"mhm, i just read a lot i guess. what are you doing out here?" leo asks, turning to face the girl next to him and smiling slightly.

Karai grins and holds up a small bag, a shopping bag possibly. Leo raises a non-existent brow and karai rolls her eyes at his cluelessness.

"its eye-liner you loser" she says, pulling out a box with a few coloured tubes. Leo makes a huh sound, confusion still present.

"the stuff i put on my eyes? make-up?" karai deadpans, astounded leo didnt know what she was talking about.

"thats not natural?!" leos eyes were wide, absolutely blown away. He thought her markings were natural, some odd human thing like freckles or vitiligo.

"no- i forget you're cute and stupid. its not natural! look, coloured liquid, see?" she opens the box and uncaps one of the colours, showing a thin brush covered in what looked like paint.

"thats so cool" leo whispered, eyes stary while admiring the fact humans had the ability to buy things to decorate their face.

"wanna try?" karai asked, smirking.

Leo immediately went to nod, wanting to look pretty like karai when he realised he had seen people wearing eye-liner and other what he assumed to be make-up products before, looking colourful and pretty. They were always girls... but leo wanted to look pretty too? Did it matter?

"can i? i mean, im a boy so am i... allowed to look pretty?" leo mumbles the last part, completely embarrassed and looking down. Karai looks him up and down, muttering a small "are you a boy".

What did she mean was he a boy? Did he not have to be a boy?

"sorry, slipped out. yes you can try it. ill even put it on you, here take off your mask before i change my mind" karai said, laying out all the tubes as leo quickly untied his mask.

They went through colours, karai deciding that the blue she had would compliment his ocean eyes and cool toned skin nicely. Leo agreed, knowing of colour theory from painting. They made sure to be careful, letting the liquid dry before applying more so leo didnt become uncomfortable with the new sensation like she knew people often could.

Even though karai was technically their enemy at the moment, she had a soft spot for the blue turtle. They enjoyed his company, and he was very kind-hearted; how could she turn him away? They were weirdly close, a safe space for eachother in an i still hate you way, oddly enough.

They both understood that they were sworn enemies, and that when it comes down to it they have to fight- it never hurt any less when this time came, but they knew what they had to do. Sometimes they just liked to pretend, like tonight, they they were mere teenage friends.

They were two teens from very different homes, still failing the both of them in different ways.

Karai is isolated, emotionally neglected and abused- surprisingly enough never phsycially; shredders words and sharp blades were only that of threats to his child. She grew up having to take private training and tutoring, rarely ever with her father, and never being able to interact with other children. As she started to get older, more skilled, she was forced to train and look after the younger children they would come across. In rooms full of people, she still grew up lonely.

Leo was - is - emotionally neglected as well, having to take responsibility of a parental figure to three children while only a young child himself, bearing the burden of a broken childhood. He was isolated from his brothers as the leader, constantly training and hiding to be the best authority figure he could be to his baby brothers. Some might say splinter unknowingly abused leo as well, but he didnt want to think about that. His sensei loved him, but he was mostly just that; a sesnei. He grew up lonely, needing to be mature and reliable, watching his brothers play incase they got hurt instead of joing them.

Loneliness was something they both knew.

To outsiders, they might have seemed as something of lovers, but they werent. They were few of the first people they've both met that actually understand them. And that was special to both of them.

"what did you mean... am i a boy?" leo asked quietly, eyes closed as karai worked their magic.

"i didnt mean anything bad by it, you just seem quite feminine sometimes. i thought maybe you decided you were a girl, or felt like a girl sometimes. even though you were born male" karai says casually, almost sounding bored as she adds thin streaks of blue underneath the black wings.

"i can do that? be a girl?" leo asks immediately.

He never understood why he had to act a certain way to be a boy, or why he had to be a boy to begin with. Being a boy was supposed to be how you present yourself, he was a male assigned at birth, and that was just how it was. Sometimes he was okay with that, or atleast he convinced himself he was.

Sometimes he wasnt. Sometimes he liked how small he seemed, how he was slightly slimmer yet curvier compared to his brothers. How he was shorter than donnie, more toned, less bulky than raph and more feminine than mikey. It made him happy, he never knew why. Only sometimes, definetly totally not a lot of the time.

"yep. ok im done" karai said simply, putting the tubes back into the bag and getting out their phone, suddenly taking a picture of leo and turning it to show him.

His eyes were a pretty ocean blue as always, being reflected by thin streaks of blue reaching from the outer corners of his eyes. There was a black like too, perfectly matching the thinner blue line and making his eyes look bigger, cuter. He looked cute. Thats all he could think about. How pretty and cute he looked.

"you like it lee?" karai asked, grinning and pulling her phone away, snapping leo out of his trance.

"lee?" leo asked, heart swelling at the femininity of the nickname, a nickname his brothers would sometimes use. It must have shown in his expression, because karai only smiled.

"yea, lee. look, you're a girl like me now" karai teases, watching leo unravel in the mess that is gender identity.

Sometimes he felt like a girl, like he wanted to be a girl. The nickname "mama leo" was more than just a silly nickname made to tease. His name would hurt and so would 'he/him'- like physically ache inside himself and he didnt know why. That was when he felt like a girl, when he wanted to be pretty and loved his oddly feminine body, watching as he trained and admiring his agility and flexibility. It was definetly only a sometimes feeling. Definetly totally totally not all the time-

"ready listen: hey im just out with lee doing her make-up, having girl time. right? and then when you - if you - ever feel like a boy, you're he him. stuff like that." karai says, watching as leos hands shake softly at the change in pronouns.

"but... does that just mean im not a boy anymore?" leo asked, still a little scared this wasnt allowed. He couldnt think of any reason why people and things needed assigned gender roles, he thought it was stupid. Leo couldnt play the girl in pretend when he was younger? Well why the heck not! Thats what he wanted to do!

"well, you can still be a boy sometimes, if thats how you feel. do you feel like a girl? do you feel male?" karai asked.

Lee immediately expressed she felt like a girl, but didnt feel male or female. That was different, she knew she felt like a girl- but female? Male? She didnt want to associate with her sex assigned at birth. Because of her anatomy and biology she'll always be male, and that was fine! Lee was oddly content with the fact she had been a male her whole life. But she didnt...

"a girl. i feel like a girl, not male- but not female either... not something different but just- neither? now that i think about it, i feel more like a girl than a boy- i like doing girl things" lee tried to explain, making gestures with her hands as if that would somehow convey her emotions more effectively.

"do you think maybe you're transfem? under the non-binary umbrella" karai asked, leaning back on her arms casually.

Shes already gone through figuring out their gender identity, she/they nonbinary. Shes owns that shes a female at birth, and having spent their whole life and having her whole experiences as a woman she still heavily connects with womanhood. But being able to use she/they and say they're non-binary? It just felt right to her.

Lee didnt know exactly what it meant, but she definetly wanted to know more. Karai pulled out their phone, letting her look over her shoulder as they googled the terms. Leo read through, focused on each word and term, each feeling they descibed and each- THING that just screamed right to her.

She looked up to karai, smiling small and nodding.

"well then, why dont you introduce yourself then?" karai said sarcastically, light-hearted admiring their new girl friend. Karai hadnt had a friend since shinigami, and she lived in japan. It was lonely.

"hi, im leonardo, you can call me leonardo which is completely fine, leo is fine too but i would prefer lee, and my pronouns are she her" she said excitedly, shaking her fists and smiling uncontrollably. Karai laughed at the turtle, clapping their hands in a slow clap and grinning.

Suddenly lee's T-phone started ringing, to which she cursed softly.

"shit I've been out longer than i thought- sorry wait- hey don?" lee said, answering the phone.

"uh huh yea im on my way back now dont stress, no you shouldnt even be up right now. no dont wait u- and he hung up on me" leo huffed dramatically, still not having her good mood ruined.

"i better get back to my father anyways, i snuck out. if he catches me ill just tell him i was working on tracking you down" karai said with a wink, hopping to their feet.

"you could always leave him, karai. i offer our home to you. master splinter would love you" lee tried softly, knowing she wasnt going to get her way.

"we're on opposite sides, leonardo. hes my father. i toy with you, talk to you on nights like these out of boredom and loneliness, the same way you do. sayonara, turtle" karai says cheekily, running away, jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Leo sighed quietly, smiling softly before making her own way home, not forgetting about the mask tied around wrist and the eye-liner she was wearing. No, she desperately wanted to show her brothers.

-

"oh look who decided to come home. this is the last time you go out alone" raph said as lee walked through the entrance of the lair. All four of them knew this wasnt the last time she was going to go out alone, this was a similar speech raph gave everytime she got home late.

"leo whats on your eyes?" mikey asked, smiling brightly at his 'big brother' like usual.

"its eye-liner! karai showed me, look!" lee said happily, blinking and smiling wide, shaking her hands up and down. Raph growled at the mention of karai, hating her guts, but the moment he saw how happy leo was he couldnt chew his ear off about meeting with the foot princess. Before any of them could say anything in response, she started talking again.

"and we talked and she helped me figure some stuff out!" she smiled proudly. She hadnt noticed her brothers confused glances until now, and suddnely she felt smaller than before.

Was she supposed to feel like this? What if they thought she was stupid and... and weird?

"eo- leo! are you okay?" donnie asked, snapping his fingers infront of the older who had zoned out.

"lee" she mumbled helplessly, not realising it came out of her mouth until she heard herself speak.

"what?" raph asked, but they all heard her.

"im going to wash this stuff off, it looks super dumb. you guys should head to bed" she said quietly, smiling softly and walking towards the bathroom.

When she got in there she looked into the mirror, noticing how pretty she looked. Tears spilled from her eyes, immediately splashing water on her face to hide them.

"lee?" she tried not to cry harder at the bittersweet feeling of the nickname.

"hey, for the record, i think you look really pretty" donnie said from the door-way, smiling warmly. Leo lifted her now washed face, quickly drying it with a towel and looking at her brother with wide, shiny eyes.

"you do?" she mumbled, unconciously picking at her nails. She didnt notice her brothers brown eyes flicker down to her fidgety hands then back up.

"yea i do, hey i have an idea. pass me your mask" he said softly.

Lee did as she was asked, handing donnie her mask and turning around as instructed. The purple banded turtle carefully pulled the mask over her eyes, tying it up. Lee was confused, what was he doing? tying her mask for her?

"there, done." donnie said proudly, watching as leo looked in the mirror and her eyes immediately filled with unreleased tears, fists shaking excitedly.

"its a bow" she whispers, admiring herself in the mirror.

"it is" donnie said softly. Lee turned around to face her brother.

"i look pretty" she continued.

"you do" donnie responded, keeping his warm smile and waiting for what he expected to come.

He had always noticed his sisters femininity, and after coming across an article about autism and gender identity? Donnie couldnt wait for the day leo found her gender identity and came out to them. He always had a hunch.

"i look like a girl" she continued, eyes overflowing with tears.

"yea, you do" donnies eyes softened, walking forward and wrapping warm protective arms around his sister.

"i want to be a girl" she mumbled into donnies shoulder, muffled and small sounding.

"gender is fluid, you can be a girl" donnie soothed.

Donatello was a man of science, but he was also very aware that biological sex and gender identity were two very different things.

When donnie did body anatomy studies on them all, he figured out leo was actually born intersex, meaning she had both ovarian and testicular tissue in her body. they had always just went with her being a male because they were all male and she still had both chromosomes, but leo expressed he had both a slit and a penis. It was odd and she knew her brothers didnt have it, but females definetly dont have penis's so they decided she was male.

He knew his sister knew this as well, so he didnt need to explain it to her again. They never brushed over the topic again after that. He wasnt a transphobe, and if his brothers were? Well donnie could develop lasers, as a man of science.

"im a girl" she said sternly, pulling back and looking at her brother almost helplessly as if begging for approval. Donnie just smiled, holding his big sisters face in his hands.

"yes, you are. a beautiful girl" he reassured, heart swelling with love and support for his big sister.

Suddenly there was a cough, and raph and mikey came through the door.

"so... not that we were eavesdropping or anything, but does this mean i have a big sister now?" mikey asked, smiling widely.

"yea- yea you do" lee replied opening her arms as her baby brother ran into them.

"awesome. big sis leo!" mikey chanted, making lee giggle.

"is there anything you're changing?" raph asked, also smiling.

"she her pronouns, and my names fine. i like lee as a nickname, but i like leo and leonardo still - oddly enough it sounds feminine in my head. please dont tell master splinter, i dont want him to know yet" leo says, smile faltering at the mention of their father.

"yea yea none of us will tell dad until ya ready, same with case and april" raph said, walking forward and hugging his sister.

"proud of ya, ya still a dork though, girl or boy" raph said, squeezing tightly then letting go, having his arm still wrapped around the girl.

"we love you" donnie said sternly, full of love, joining the hug with his siblings.

"thanks guys" she whispered.

For the first time ever, she felt so content with herself. This is who she was meant to be, she was always a girl. Shes a girl.

Chapter Text

"hault villain!"

"hault... villain? when did we start talking like that"

"we're heroes!... th-thats how heroes talk?" lee felt anxiety crawl its way around her brain. Why couldnt they talk like that? Were they not supposed to? They are heroes arent they? Thats how all the heroes talk on TV and in the books.

Her brain said stop talking - leo wanted to talk.

"yea maybe in your dorky space heroes show but not in real like you shell brain! ya just sound stupid" leo cringed in herself, resisting tbe urge to go into her shell. Her excitement and confidence faltered into embarassment and dread. She didnt want to be here anymore.

Her brothers didnt say anything, they must have agreed...

Space heroes wasnt dorky... and leo wasnt stupid, was she? Maybe she was for taking life advice from a cartoon but- thats how things were, werent they? It wasnt weird. And who else was she supposed to take life advice from! Master splinter told her to sacrifice herself to save her brothers, and apparently sacrificing yourself wasnt good. So what did they want from her!

The turtles took down Baxter stockman and destroyed the T-pod, after a few minor setbacks. Lee didnt make any more hero quips or phrases, even though she was excited to use them. She had been practising for weeks just to have chances to use them in battle and be a real hero. She barely even talked actually, feeling too... off for verbal communication. She thinks she was bordering on non-verbal... hurray.

They had come across the discovery that lee also had selective mutism due to her immense amounts of anxiety. That was super embarrassing, finding out her brain was so dumb that she couldnt speak sometimes because she was worried. It was bad enough she was always worried!

Was she doing it wrong? This whole hero thing? How was she supposed to know what to say when it was clearly the wrong thing every time. She was trying to be that hero, but apparently she wasnt supposed to? But they were heroes? It didnt make any sense. Leo didnt understand this weird construct of hero anymore, she thought she was doing it right.

"hey lee! space heroes reruns are on, wanna watch with me?" mikey asked, jumping onto the couch with the remote in his hands.

Leo didnt want to say no, she wanted to watch space heroes. But she was sure everyone thought it was dorky and stupid and her 'obsession' was weird. It wasnt an obsession! She just liked it a lot, donnie called it a 'special interest', but even he sighed when lee put on space heroes for the millionth time.

"oh man not space heroes again! mikey lets see if theres any of those car chase movies playing those are awesome" raph comes out from the kitchen, plopping himself off the lounge and grabbing the remote.

It wasnt the families collective favourite genre of television, but mikey enjoyed watching all the flips, tricks and explosions and raph liked the cars so it was a win win. And getting mikey and raph to agree on something? Well a win is a win in leo and donnies eyes.

"aw yea brah! leo you dont mind right?" mikey asked, big blue eyes and bright sincere smile. Leo smiled back, conveying to him it was perfectly fine and walked over to donnies lab to see what her brother was doing.

"hey don" lee greeted, offering a smile that donnie didnt see because he didnt raise his head at the greeting.

"hi leo, what do you want" donnie said, still focused on what he was doing. Leo immediately felt like she was intruding, being a bother and getting in donnies way.

"i didnt actually want anything i just wanted to talk to you- which kind of means i want something i guess. you see i-" leo couldnt find the right words before she was interrupted.

"sister. i love you. im busy. what do you want" donnie muttered, tongue out in concentration. Lee deflated.

"nothing donnie, we'll talk later when you're not busy" she said, backing out of the lab, smile from earlier faltering.

Donnie hummed in response, not paying any mind to his sister and saying bye. Leo walked to her room, tears welling up in her eyes.

Why was she so upset over a stupid cartoon- its for kids anyways! leo shouldnt like it so much. All she wanted to do was ask donnie if it was okay that she liked the show even as a teenager, because donnie always had the answer to things. Raph clearly thinks its weird and stupid and mikey loves cartoons. But leonardo was the oldest, so she wasnt allowed to like stuff like that? This was so confusing and it was so frustrating.

Leo started to cry, and it was stupid crying over a childrens cartoon but she couldnt help it. Why couldnt she just like it. Why couldnt she just have her favourite thing without... without all this! Was it really that weird. Did everyone think she looked dumb? Sounded dumb? Acted dumb? How was she supposed to tell?

This was so STUPID. She was stupid. The stupidest ever!

She curled up in her bed, sniffing pathetically as a tear rolled down from the corner of her eye. She just shouldnt talk about space heroes as much, it was annoying and weird. She shouldnt force it on her brothers, and she shouldnt be so over the top about it. She should be normal.

-

Lee decided she was going to draw in her sketchbook to take her mind off of space heroes, but it was a little hard when quite a few of the pages had surprisingly well-drawn and canonically accurate fanart on them.

She decided to just draw herself. It was the easiest thing, and she knew her appearance like the back of her hand so it was easy enough.

There was a knock on her door, and whether she didnt hear it or accidentally ignored it she'll never really know. Eventually the door did open, showing her little brother peeping through, immediately smiling when he saw his sister.

"hi lee! whatcha doin? can i come in?" mikey asked impatiently, bouncing at the doorway. Leo cracked a small smile, nodding to her brother and watching as he bounded into the room, taking a seat next to her.

"drawing huh? you look really pretty in those" the page was filled with different angles and positioning of leo herself. Like in one she was wearing really pretty make-up, in another it was her full body doing stretches, a few were different profiles of her face and so on. She always liked to draw humans, but her and her brothers were more interesting because of their unique anatomy.

Lee picked up the sketchbook and tilted it slightly so mikey could see better, watching as he quickly nodded his head.

"have you done any more space heroes drawings lately? they're always so cool- especially when you colour them" mikey asks, continuing to watch as leo drew.

She quickly closed her sketchbook at the mention of the cartoon, shaking her head no and standing up to go put the items in their respective places.

"huh. no talking right now?" leo tried to open her mouth to speak, force up some sort of verbal response because all the sudden she felt so dumb for having such a strong reaction to something so trivial. She probably could speak, she just really didnt want to.

"hey! what'd we say about trying to force yourself to speak. you're allowed to speak, but when you feel like you cant and you do its not good for you, i just wanted to make sure so i didnt make you feel that way on accident. is something making you upset?" mikey quickly put a stop to leos attempt at verbal communication, watching with a supportive smile as her mouth formed a thin line once again.

Leo shook her head, not speaking or signing. She didnt feel like conversing with anyone to be honest, and she was sure that if she brought her hands up to sign that they would shake with uncertainty and anxiety. That would only worry her little brother more.

"okay, are you sure? cause maybe i could help if there is something wrong" mikey asked again, pressing for answers. Leo was hiding something, mikey was sure of it.

She scowled slightly at the continued questioning and shook her head again, leaving the room and making her way to the kitchen to make tea.

"okay sis! im gonna go see what raph and donnie are doing" leo didnt didnt give any form of response like mikey waited for, and eventually he left. Leaving leo by herself.

-

When donnie emerged from his lab, leo was laying on the louge, plastron down and reading a comic. She had a novel right next to her, donnie assumed she finished and switched to one of her favourite comics.

"hey lee, what are you reading?" he asked curiously, peering over to try and see the covers. Leo took both stories and flipped them to their cover, pointing at the titles.

"huh, ive never seen those before, did you just get them?" the purple clad turtle asked when reading them, not recognising them. Leo shook her head no, and then turned back to reading her comic.

The novel was one of her favourites of all time, she could talk about it for hours. She has talked about it for hours, clearly her brothers dont listen to her though. She was on the last chapter of her seventeenth re-read and picked up a comic before leaving her room, knowing itll only take her ten minutes to finish the book.

Donnie grew slightly concerned at leos anti-social behaviour. It was mostly normal, leo was always quite withdrawn from everyone else but she had been closer to her brothers lately when happy and umasking.

"did you watch the space hereos reruns with mikey earlier?" donnie asks. God why was he asking her so many questions.

Donnie was slightly worried to say the least. He wanted to figure out what was going on.

Leo shook her head no, not taking her eyes away from her comic.

"how come?" donnie said softly, because usually saying 'why not' or 'why' sounded accusing, judgy.

Lee sighed silently and put down her comic, signing to donnie.

'raph and mikey were watching a movie' she signed. Donnie made an ohhh sound of understanding, it was hard to pry those two from the TV when watching one of their movies.

What surprised donnie was when he asked if she wanted to watch it now, she signed that she was reading a comic. There wasnt a yes, and not a no. So donnie asked again-

Leo closed her comic book and placed it on top of hee novel, slight aggression in her body language. She quickly signed 'im going out' and left without waiting for a reply.

"hey leo! leo wait!" donnie tried to call out to her, but ultimately decided he should let her have some space for whatever was upsetting her. Because clearly something was.

"donnie whatre ya screamin at!" raph yelled, walking into the pit with a scowl on his face.

"somethings upsetting lee. she went out" donnie replied. Mikey followed behind raph.

"she still non-verbal?" mikey asked, now a little worried.

"okay whats going on" raph asked, being entirely left out of the current little brother loop going on.

"how long has she not been speaking, do you know?" donnie asked, giving raph a look when he went to blow up for them temporarily ignoring him.

"well i went in her room about two hours ago when our movie finished and she wasnt talking then" mikey said, trying to remember exactly.

"ok why is lee not talking?" raph asked frusteratedly.

They already knew that overall, leo's non-verbal communication was due to lack of interest in conversation as well as difficulty processing language, so sometimes if there were too many people talking to her at once, for example, it would stress her out and she wouldnt be able to speak, herself. Or if she was in a certain situation that caused her stress, she couldnt form words in those times either.

It had mostly been a mix of that, and anxiety. And that hasnt occured so it must be anxiety, right? Maybe she just didnt need to or want to talk and that was why, but she seemed frustrated and annoyed, not just regular leonardo anti-social and quiet. She also didnt want to watch space hero-

"SHE DIDNT WHAT?!"

"SHE DIDNT WANT TO WATCH SPACE HEREOS?"

Raph and mikey both yelled at the same time, making donnies ears pop at the loud noise. Donnie must have been thinking out loud again.

"well she didnt say that specifically, i asked her if she wanted to and she said she was reading a comic. and i asked her again and she ran off" donnie explained, now wondering if it was him that upset her.

"dee it wasnt you, when i went in her room earlier she was drawing and when i mentioned space heroes she got all funny and left" mikey explains dramatically, waving his arms.

"jus' give her space. if shes not back in an hour ring her. it she doesnt answer track her T-phone. cool? cool" raph said, walking off already towards the kitchen.

"are you not worried about her? you know leo hides how she feels and it always leads to something bad!" donnie calls out, angered by his big brothers dismissal. Raph immediately turned around, glaring at his little brother.

"i AM worried about that stupid shithead but if we go after her now she will run and hide and we wont find her. give it an hour, we'll ring her and if she doesnt tell us where she is we'll go find her" raph spat, his worry now seeping through in his tone.

Donnie complied and they went their separate ways. Mikey didnt like to get in between them, but he agreed with raph. Their sister was stubborn, and if she didnt want to be found she'd make sure of it.

-

Leo was annoyed. She didnt want to be sad anymore, so she turned her sadness into anger. It was a lot easier. That is, until she found herself at aprils window.

"leo? what are you doing here?" she asked, confused. The boys would come over every now and then, but usually with reason and notice.

When leo didnt answer, just glancing with desperate eyes and fiddling with her fingers, april immediatly understood what kind of situation it was and softened.

"come in and tell me whats wrong, ill make some tea okay?" april said warmly, leaving the window open for leo to climb through as she went to boil the kettle.

Suddenly she felt a weight lifted off her chest, finally someone didnt push her away. She could have her questions answered. She felt like she could have a voice.

Ever since april found out about leo being autistic, shes been more than understanding and supportive. The red head had been endlessly accommodating and never pushed the blue turtle towards anything she didnt want to do. She always helped leo figure things how when she felt like she couldnt go to her brothers.

Leo loved her brothers and sensei, and yea casey too he was family. He cared for karai, but april was different.

The turtle held some resent towards april for the whole her and donnie situation that went on for a bit, but once her brother and friend talked it out they were closer than ever.

April was a closeted lesbian in denial, trying to convince herself she liked men and using donnie and casey. She was extremely apologetic when she found out, so sorry for leading them on and pinning them against eachother.

Donnie was understanding, he apologised too. He never grew up around people, and he didnt realise that he was being stalkerish and creepy. He felt horrible for violating her like that.

Then casey, donnie and april all told eachother they were lgbtqia+. They all laughed at how dumb they were and then went out, together, as friends.

After that, raph stopped being snarky to april everytime she spoke to donnie. Mikey would endlessly try to hang out with all three of them, acting like thay annoying little sibling that felt left out. And leo let herself get closer to april instead of keeping the girl at arms length, no longer feeling so protective over donnie. She let herself not be so formal around casey, letting her mask slip around everyone like they had requested.

It was nice.

"do you want to talk about it, or do you want to just hang out?" april asked gently, handing leo a cup of tea and sitting down next to her on the couch.

"can... we talk?" leo asked warily, still not used to the whole expression of feelings thing.

She realised that the best way she knew how to express her feelings was through her training. Her brothers had learnt what mood she was in by simply watching her train, and she was unknowingly expressing how she felt.

It took a bit of trial and error, but they managed to figure out different ways to talk and interact with lee based on how she felt. Different things they can do and say.

"yea thats perfectly fine, im listening" april said softly, smiling warmly.

Leo took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to express this verbally.

She ended up just word vomiting.

"so i feel really dumb and i wasnt sure if it was normal to like space heroes as much as i do and if i was doing this whole hero thing wrong and raph thinks its stupid so i was going to ask donnie but i was clearly bothering him so i didnt and even mikey who loves cartoons would rather watch something else and i just feel really stupid and childish 'cause the only thing i know about being a hero is space heroes but thats not real life and i feel super annoying because i feel like all i do is talk about it and no one probably wants to listen but i can never tell-"

"leo, sweetheart, remember to breathe. you're getting worked up. its okay i understand and im listening" april interrupts softly, taking the mug from the turtle before she knocked it over, clearly wanting to be able to talk with her hands. Her heart did little circles at the nickname.

Lee took another few deep breaths, muttering an "and yea" and not saying anymore.

"lee you're not stupid, or dumb or childish. you're allowed to like space heroes, its your special interest. of course you're going to talk about it a lot. no one cares that you do, we're all fine with it. you're their brother, they dont think any less of you for it" april assured.

"i uhm... im their... sister... actually..." she mumbled, letting her leg bounce anxiously.

April was silent for a mere moment, trying to figure out what she meant, but as soon as it hit her she smiled brightly.

"you're their sister, they dont think any less of you. i dont think any less of you. i never have and never will" april reassured, melting at leos little sparkle in her eyes when she said sister.

"pronouns, names and who are you out to?" april asked quickly before she could contuine.

"she her, my name is fine but i like lee and im only out to my brothers, you and karai. anyways-

raph said my hero lines were dumb and dorky, but thats how they do it in space heroes. am i being a hero wrong? what if im doing it wrong? is it another weird social construct im not fitting into because im really confused 'pril" leo waved her hands around, not focusing on the whole coming out thing. She had more on her mind.

"lee its fine that you dont understand it, and yes they're socially constructed rules that you dont have to fit into, thats why you have so much trouble, you perceive the world around you differently. they probably forget that sometimes. your cute little hero quips arent dumb, you're allowed to make them if you want to you dont sound stupid, but you also dont need to make them just because you think its the 'right thing' to do socially" april explained clearly, watching lees stims and body language to tell whether she said something wrong or not.

"but i just feel so annoying for like- always talking about space heroes. and yea i understand special interest but if i just wasnt autistic i wouldnt be so dumb and annoying. i feel like everyone gets so annoyed and fed up with me and i just wish i was normal and likes things the normal amount and i- i just-" lee felt tears prick in her eyes as she got more worked up. The more she tried to verbalise it, the more it hurt saying it outloud.

April held her arms open, "hugs?" she offered, to which leo took and dove into the redheads arms.

"you just what, its okay take your time" april soothed.

"i just cant help but hate myself- i wish i was normal april i-i i hate myself" the turtles voice broke at the end, april only held her tighter.

"you're perfectly normal lee. theres nothing wrong with you, you're just different. everyones different. you're definetly not annoying or stupid, you're passionate, kindhearted and incredibely smart blue. there is nothing wrong with you just because you have ASD and have special interests. dont be mean to yourself, we love you so much" april cooed lightly, rocking the two side to side.

Leo nodded, not wanting to speak through tears. April understood, offering small encouragements.

Suddenly lees T-phone rang, and april looked at the caller ID to see raphs icon.

"you gonna answer it?" april asked, only being met with a pleading look.

"you want me to talk to them for you?" april asked again, softening her tone and smiling in understanding when she nodded her head.

"hey raph, yea no shes with me. you want to come here? she says thats fine. no she told me, yea she was upset and i know why. yes i can explain it to you for her when you get here if shes okay with it... okay bye" april hung up the phone, putting it on the small coffee table next to the couch.

"they'll be over soon, do you want me to tell them everything you just told me? cause if you're not ready its okay, but if you dont ever tell them they could continue to accidentally make you feel like this. i know you dont blame them, but there are obviously things they do and say that influence these feelings" leo nodded her head, hiding her face in aprils neck more, making the red head chuckle.

The red head started playing space heroes on her tv, resisting the urge to fangirl out of cuteness when the show immediately stole leos attention.

- twenty minutes later

"leonardo are you okay? do you feel sick? are you hurt? is-" the three made it to aprils apartment, immediatly fussing over their sister.

"donnie shush, she fell asleep. you guys really need to talk to her about cutting down on training, she is way too tired all the time" april says quietly.

The two girls were in more of a laying down position across aprils couch. Aprils arms were wrapped protectively around leos shell as she laid with her plastron against the red heads chest.

"so she told you what was wrong? is she okay?" mikey asked quickly, failing at his attempt at whispering.

"shes scared shes annoying and stupid because she likes space heroes. shes scared that shes doing the whole hero thing wrong, and is worried that everything about being a hero she learnt from space heroes is wrong and stupid. because you guys tell her its dorky and make fun of her- and she thinks shes annoying by talking about it all the time. she..." april paused, looking down at the turtle wrapped around her.

"she what?" raph asked quietly, impatient and worried.

"she said she hates herself and wishes she was normal- guys why does leo, one of the most kind-hearted and genuine sweethearts ive ever met, hate herself?" april whispered, tears pricking at her eyes as she played with the girls mask tails, softly caressing her head.

Leos breathing was almost silent, barely noticeable. A worry for another day.

"dammit its because she thinks absolutely fucking nothing of herself. stupid stupid stupid" raph muttered angrily.

"but building up acceptance of herself takes time, but how much time? i dont want lee to hate herself" mikey says sadly, taking a seat on the floor next to the couch and resting his head on the cushions next to his sister.

"i dont know guys, but i know you guys need to watch how you youd act and speak to her. raph you need to stop poking fun of her when she gets all rambly or does something related to something she likes- like her hero quips and phrases. and donnie you need to not brush her off so casually all the time when she wants to talk to you. she wanted to come to you about this but felt like she was bothering you when she did. we know yous dont mean any harm by it but she doesnt, she just takes it as shes annoying you guys. mikey you- you're good actually. keep being your little self" april said sternly, sending mikey a bright smile and giving the other two a knowing look.

The four talked for a bit, syill mindful of the sleeping turtle in the room. When lee didn't wake up, april offered for the four of them to stay the night. She couldnt bare to wake the sleeping girl in her arms, shuddering at the thought of the discipline, training and borderline abuse she goes through in the private trainings she has.

Dont get her wrong, april loves master splinter. But his teachings were not always good and he wasnt a great father, especially when it came to leo.

The two boys agreed, seeing that their youngest brother already fell asleep along with their oldest.

In the morning they'd talk with lee, and everything would be okay. They'll never stop being there for her.

Chapter Text

Leo was feeling excited, she found the best thing today when going to retrieve donnie scrap metal from the junkyard.

She found tapes to old space heroes movies!

She had seen them sure, but only been able to watch them on donnies laptop on an illegal pirated website.

Now she could watch them whenever!! She had completely forgotten about the scrap metal, quickly running home to show everyone. She couldnt contain her excitement- she thought she was going to burst but she had to run to get home. She needed to move she couldnt comprehend or process how happy she was.

"GUYS GUYS LOOK WHAT I FOUND!" lee squealed, practically throwing the vhs tape in her brothers faces.

"its - its so cool!" she blabbed out, not focused on talking.

She watched all three of them look at the title as she hopped lightly from foot to foot, flappy hands moving up and down as her mask bow bounced.

Raph read the title and rolled his eyes fondly, standing up and putting the tape into the tv for his sister. Mikey watched leos happy excited stims, bright smile on his face because the olders happiness was always contagious.

"its very cool leo, where did you find them?" donnie asked with a fond smile, knowing that he just initiated an info-dump.

He knew she got them from the junkyard, and he also knew she got distracted by it and immediately rushed home, forgetting about the scrap metal.

How could he be mad, or even bring it up, when she was so happy about her little discovery? Donnie could get scrap metal whenever.

"i found them at the junk yard! its the trilogy movie series from 2002 that they made! not many people knew about it because it wasnt super popular, everyone was too worried about the show. but when then show was finished and no longer on-going and they made a spin-off movie afterwards, they started to find out about these movies too! they're really good and captain ryan is so amazing in them he saves like a trillion people from being disintegrated! crankshaw actually dies and gets resurrected, its very sad but hes still alive! captain ryan also falls in love with another celestial, killing this one as well" leo rambled on, bouncing up and down practically vibrating with joy.

"dudes i literally dont remember any of that, ill have to pay attention this time" mikey jokes, smiling widely.

"alright hero girl sit down and watch the damn thing" raph teased, taking his seat back on the couch.

Lee didnt think she could phsycially sit still. She couldnt explain how absolutely overwhelmingly excited she was and the only way she felt like she wasnt going to burst was her little movements.

But she sat down anyways, flapping her hands and tilting her head side to side repeatedly as if she was listening to music.

"dude you're so bouncy today" raph commented, almost making lee stop. She was too happy though, to let a comment like that cloud negatively in her brain. She could literally only think of one thing: space heroes.

"cause i feel like im going to explode and go boom- this is the best show ever why would you not be bouncy!" leo babbled happily, smiling widely.

Lee herself hasnt learnt to fully control her little happy stims yet, she couldnt help it when she got over excited. She always forgot they were called stims, even forgetting that she was doing the movements to begin with.

"shes just happy stimming, her brains just overwhelmed with positive feelings right now that she cant process it- which is what stimming is there for" donnie explains, making raph smile and nod.

Leo liked when donnie randomly explained her little traits and quirks that were linked to her ASD, it made her feel better. Knowing that there was a reason and she wasnt just a little weirdo. It was comforting.

"hey wait pause the movie! can april come over! and casey too raph if you want cause everyone should watch it-"

"leonardo, why are our voices raised" splinter rounded the corner, standing outside the dojo and looking down at his four 'boys'.

"hi sensei! i found space heroes tapes at the junkyard see!" lee accidentally ignored her fathers questioned.

Splinter was curious when hearing his eldest childs voice raised, not angrily or to scold. When he saw how happy and excited leo was, flappy hands and bright smile, he couldnt help but smile as well.

"thats very lovely my son, it is nice of you to invite casey and april over as well, i can hear them already in the tunnels" splinter said.

Lee skipped over the misgendering part, her heart being too full to shatter as she thought about how raph or donnie must have texted april and casey as soon as she asked them to.

She'd tell master splinter eventually! maybe...

The two humans arrived, saying hello to splinter as he left. Lee quickly ran over to april, spinning her around in a quick hug as she chuckled and the took her hand, dragging her over the couch.

"woah lee, what did you want to show us?" april asked through little giggles, watching her friends determined face.

She struggled to string coherent sentences together, stuttering and jumbling over her words she was so excited.

"she found old space heroes tapes, she wanted to watch it together!" miley translated for them, giving a thumbs up.

"she?" casey, being the only one leo hadnt come out to yet, asked confusedly.

Donnie gave him a look, and raph shot him a glare that could kill.

"im a girl! anyways-" leo said quickly, brushing over the topic and not even realising what she just said and continuing to ramble to april about the movies.

"huh? oh wait shes trans? thats totally metal blue, im lovin the bow, super cute" casey said supportively, grinning in response to the bright smile lee flashed her.

"alright are we starting these movies or what?" raph asked, impatient as ever.

Raph moved over so casey could sit on the couch next to him, the boy leaning against raphs arm as he layed sprawled over the armrest end of the couch. Mikey and donnie sat on the other couch together, and april and lee sat on the ground infront of the boys.

There were points during the movies where it was impossible to steal the turtles attention from the tv, and then others where they had no idea what was going on because they could hear over lee' info-dumps about random minuscule parts of the movies.

Normally it would be a little annoying, but none of them could possibly be annoyed when leo was so bright.

Sometime during the movies mikey got up to make popcorn, one of leos safe foods, making three bags for each pair of two share.

They watched it till early morning, bingewatching the series once the trilogy had ended. Their fearless leader had clearly forgotten about her regular patrol planning schedule.

They all fell asleep together. Mikey and donnie were curled up in slightly odd positions, but nothing they wouldnt expect from younger siblings. It looks like they passed out while fighting eachother.

Caseys head was in raphs lap as he layed in a more sprawled fetal position. The turtle was sitting upright with his head resting on the back of the couch, one hand on the cushions and on on caseys shoulder.

The two girls, who were the first ones to fall asleep which is why the tv was turned off of space heroes, were curled into eachother under a blanket that the boys had draped over them. Aprils hesd was on leos shoulder as the taller rested her head on the couch cushions, body curled sideways closer into the red head.

Mikey took lots of photos of the girls, cooing at his sisters and running back to jump on his older brother. Raph smiled fondly, blushing when casey teased him and called him a big softy.

The six enjoyed their night, especially leo. She felt so lucky to have her family.

Chapter Text

The six had just gotten back from a mission. They had to fight karai, and leo almost got taken by the shredder- She didnt want to think about that. She also didnt want to think about how she was thrown off the dock into the ocean. It wasnt winter or snowy so the water wasnt cold, it was more of the shock, the situation reminding her of the day of the invasion.

She didnt want to think about it. Her brothers noticed the little shift in her mood, but she refused to talk about it, claiming she was just tired. And she was tired, so that wasnt really a lie. She felt really tired. She couldnt even think about it without wanting to cry it was that just- overwhelming, she guessed. But she wasnt going to talk about it.

Leo remembers when she didnt talk as a child, it used to be very troublesome to splinter. She learnt to talk when she was five, sensei had told her. She still remembers times when they were younger, maybe seven or eight, when lee wouldnt speak and all four of them would try to get her too. She never understood why speaking was so important when she was little, she really didnt have that much interest in the conversations she was supposed to have.

She obviously still struggles to speak now, selective mutism and autism not always being great for encouraging verbal communication.

She remembers the farmhouse, a point in time where she rarely spoke. It ruined all the verbal communication skills she built, but she didnt know that until after when all the sudden if she spoke for a certain amount of time, or her sentences were too long, her throat would become irritated and scratchy from lack of use. She knew it wasnt just because of her injuries, because when her throat was fully healed and they were back in new york it would still happen. She'd struggle to string together even the simplest of sentences, jumbling and tripping over her words, stuttering and saying things completely incoherent.

It got better over time, yes. Being non-verbal definetly didnt help, but her speech skills improved the more she spoke.

She used to practise speaking to herself every night, just so she wouldnt stutter. But that wasnt a new thing, she'd practise speaking to herself all the time when she was younger so that she could read bedtime stories or sing lullabies to her brothers when they couldnt sleep.

Sometimes she still had trouble with talking though, beyond going mute. And stutters, annoyingly enough, are things that people often made fun of. Her family wasnt aware of her specific speech problems outside of the non-verbal aspect of her anxiety and ASD. They knew the farmhouse was a horrible time for lee, but they never knew she actually couldnt speak outside of being depressed and injured.

So now it was early morning, usually they would be asleep but they were all too wound up after the fight. Leo really wanted to sleep, but there was no way she was going to go to sleep while everyone else was still awake.

Leo was currently in the middle of a debate with mikey over comics, both talking passionately when donnie came out of his lab with april following close behind. Lee had been speaking slower, more careful and quiet after coming home, but her and mikey had been talking for a while and boy did their youngest brother know how to talk.

"leo i cant find my new beakers!" he whined frustratedly.

"just restore them ill you later" leo said quickly before going back to mikey.

"dude what did you even just say" mikey said while laughing, and leo was confused until she went over it in her head and realised that what she blurted out wasnt even a comprehendable sentence.

"sorry don that li'erally wasnt english. i meant to say ill help you find them later, just re-re- just use the other ones" leo struggled. Great, just great! A stutter added onto the mix of random words spewing out of her mouth. She was speaking so fluently with mikey earlier, its like she had a freaking limit or something. Its so annoying...

"re-re-restore! me oh i you later!" raph walked out with casey, both laughing along with mikey while mocking his sister.

"shut up raph, i sound like that!" leo countered, realising as soon as the words slipped out of her mouth they were the wrong things. Even donnie was trying to stiffle his laughs now.

This is how it went everytime lee stuttered. She messed up her words and someone would poke fun of it. And she was just being sensitive, really! They didnt know why it was so upsetting for the girl, they were just casually poking fun of her like family does. Just playful family banter. It hurt though, a lee was a little too tired, too down, to just pretend it didnt hurt right now.

"thats what you sound like?" donnie asked teasingly, grinning while trying not to laugh.

"no, i dont sound like that" leo mumbled, feeling out of control. They werent listening to her! If they just shut up and listened then maybe she could take her time and say what she meant.

When she first started talking more, there wasnt a lot of teasing because of the situation, but it was still there. It made her want to go quiet again, so she would. Sometimes she just couldnt control when she'd get excited and ramble- like how she had been with mikey and comics!

Even april was laughing quietly to herself, mouth covering an amused smile.

Lee was getting frustrated, now they were poking and prodding at her, trying to get her to talk- why was she the joke! How was it even a joke, she really didnt understand. It... it just felt really mean in leos head and they wouldnt leave her alone. They talked at the same time, how was she supposed to understand anything when people were talking at the same time.

Now she literally couldnt speak. Stressful situation = shutdown or meltdown non-verbal, stuff she kind of remembered from donnie explaining it but not really. The difference between a shutdown and meltdown were that one was inward, and one was outward. This one was definetly inward. Leos shutdowns oddly didnt tend to last longer than a week. That was the longest one had gone for.

She didnt even register her family and friends voices anymore, too busy in her own head thinking about how she got here. It started with the shredder... the weird reminder of the invasion... oh god the invasion- no, no. then the poking and prodding, teasing and mocking. They were laughing. Laughing laughing laughing all the time, jokes lee never understood.

"sis you can speak, you dont have to stop talking, we were only joking" mikey said casually, poking leo lightly.

Lee bit the inside of her lip, barely listening to her little brother.

"leo? hey are you alright?" donnie quickly asked, walking around the couch and knealing infront of his sister.

The blue turtle didnt answer sitting silent and tense. She was trying to wait for them to leave and be quiet, she wanted them to be quiet. She couldnt...

To the others, leo looked like she was completely zoned out, unresponsive and still. Her eyes werent unfocussed though, she just wasnt hearing.

"lee? donnie is she okay?"

"don whats going on"

Lee couldnt make out voices that well, but she could hear the buzzing noise around her. She pulled her hands over her tympana. She wanted to go somewhere, anywhere but here. Somewhere dark and warm.

She unconciously had been retreating into her shell, not really noticing until she made it all the way in there.

She usually repressed the urge to sink into her shell and hide away, but she wasnt even aware enough of the feeling to counteract it. What was going on? She didnt know, she just needed an out and her shell was safe.

"guys stop it, stop. i think i know whats happening, and you need to be quiet and let me explain for a moment" donnie said softly, putting a stop to the endless questions from his family. He watched as lee retreated into her shell, further proving his theory to him.

"lee's experiencing a shutdown. its different to a meltdown, its less explosive. its like an overworked computer might shut down to protect its circuitry, some people shut down to handle a situation that’s become too much. she wouldnt move or respond to us, and seemed quite lethargic. her verbal skills also regressed- then shes retreated into her shell, somewhere she identifies as somewhere safer and quietier. eariler on the mission was definetly hard for her, but i think we just overwhelmed her more with the teasing" donnie explained to april and casey, moreso rambling to himself as he usually would, filling out mental checklists.

"so how do we fix it?" casey muttered, worried and guilty, similar to the red banded turtle next to him. He had no idea she could have such a reaction like this, but he also understood that there were other things that played a part in it.

"its not something we can fix, a shutdown is like a break for her so to speak. we leave her be, let her rest and recuperate. i dont want to just leave her alone, but we should give her space. just one person around her at a time and only talk to her if she is somewhat initiating the interaction. i really cant give you a time frame, its different for everyone. but when she like... emerges or whatever we need to make sure to remove any obligations" donnie said.

Gently, he scooped his sister up in his arms, which was easy while she was in her shell, and took her to her room. He set her down on the bed and pulled her weighted blanket over the shell.

Donnie had asked april to go get leo one about a month or two ago, and it quickly became a comfort item for the blue turtle.

As soon as leo felt the soothing familiar weight on her shell, she fell asleep, exhausted.

Chapter Text

Lee woke up around ten hours later, feeling foggy and still in her shell. She could hear faint voice, two to be exact. They were hushed as if she was still sleeping, though she supposed they wouldnt know until she come out of her shell.

"how long is she going to stay in her shell for?" april asked quietly, she sounded far away.

"not sure, however long she feels like it. shes probably sleepin. one time she stayed in her shell for two days and we had to threaten if she didnt come out and have some food and water we'd have to put an iv in her. she hates 'em" raph muttered. He sounded closer, right next to her head.

It was quiet and gruff, but the familiarity of her brothers voice was soothing.

"right, so what do we do when she wakes up?" april asked worriedly. The red head was stressing over her friend, anyone could see that - except leo. She was pretty unaware. The human girl had never actually seen one of lee's shutdowns like this, and its beyond her that shes still here. Lee had no way to keep track of time in her shell, but she could feel it had been a while.

Leo knew the drill- well kind of.

When she woke up after a shut down, which yes she always ended up falling asleep as soon as she could because she was so exhausted, there was almost always one of her brothers waiting. It was usually raphael. Michelangelo could be unconciously loud, and when lee would wake up she was almost always jumped on by the youngest. It was rarely ever him. And donatello would sometimes be the one waiting, but he was always very anxious and obsessive when it came to leos health. It was like a forty sixty split between raph and donnie.

Raph would just wait quietly, watching over his sister like he did during the farmhouse and everytime she was sick. And when she woke up, and was out of her shell, he would speak to her in his softest tone. Check on her, make sure she didnt feel like she needed to do anything and make her rest.

"well there should just be one person in here when she wakes up, she gets in her head a lot and sets obligations for herself, so its better if its just me. and you've just gotta be gentle and let her rest because nine times out of ten shes exhausted. we just let her chill out until shes feeling better bascially, which is hard because mikey literally calls her mum can you imagine how he acts" april chuckled lightly, but lee didnt hear her say anymore. She must have left.

Slowly leo came out of her shell, being met with a dark, dimly lit room and soft blankets on her skin. She watched raph silently, the boy just watching her for a moment.

"hey sister, did you get some sleep?" raph asked gently, leaning his arms on the bed. One of his arms was purposely outstretched closer to leo so she could easily grab raphs hand if she wanted to.

Lee glided her hand across the bed a little, lightly grasping the red turtles green fingers and squeezing once.

"thats good. do you want me to come on up?" sometimes the girl liked hugs as a comfort, physical touch being too much sometimes and craved at others.

Lee squeezed again once, sitting herself up and rubbing he eye tiredly.

Raph smiled and stood off the floor, climbing onto the bed and letting leo lay against his plastron. He wrapped his hands around her protectively, letting out low grumbles that almost sounded like purrs from a cat.

Lee sat the tip of her green thumb in her mouth, lightly chewing on the edges around her nails. It was like a comfort anxiety thing. She didnt care if it made her look childish.

She was always soothed by the presence of her brothers, their protective and bright nature was refreshing. It softened any feelings of negativity into a dull ache.

Calm and still sleepy, she let her eyes droop shut and her hand rest limply near her mouth as she listened to her twins breathing.

"hey, i know you're probably tired but you've been in your shell for like ten hours. do you think you could have some water and something small to eat before you sleep again?" raph asked softly, rubbing little circles into his sisters cheek.

Lee whined lightly, coming out a quiet hum as she turned her head further into her brothers plastron. Raph huffed lightly, smiling empathetically and rubbing soothing circles on her carapace.

"i know lee, but we're turtles you have to stay hydrated and all that crap that donnie would tell you. you dont have to eat right now if you dont feel like it, but you need water whether you like it or not" raph continued, keeping his soft tone as he spoke slowly.

The girl thought for a moment, she could get up. Raph wanted her to, cause drinking water is important. She knew that. And he said she didnt have to eat if she didnt feel like it so it should be okay.

She nodded her head lightly, untucking herself from raphs arms as he stood slowly.

Lee craved closeness, when she could handle it of course. It made her feel safe and secure.

Without even thinking about it, she would do things like sit unconciously close to donnie when in his lab, shoulder to shoulder as her head nuzzled lightly in the crook of his neck. Or she would pull mikey close behind her during a mission, not liking when he was too far away. She found herself reaching for raphs hand more than once, or snaking her arm intertwining with his to be closer.

They were habits her three brothers took note of as she slowly stopped masking around them, and it only made them all closer.

Raph reached his hand out for lee to take as she slowly stood up from her bed, legs feeling slightly wobbly.

"you dont have to come out lee, you can stay in here and i can get it for you and be right back" the red clad turtle assured, wrapping his arm around his sister when she stood up and immediatly leaned against him.

She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her brothers bicep while she waited for him to walk. Lee was hoth sensory seeking and avoidant, it just depended. But it made it hard for her family and friends sometimes know know what the needed when she couldnt communicate it.

"i think case and april are still here, so if you get overwhelmed just let me know and we'll leave. here," raph offered, reaching for leos headphones on her nightstand and gently placing them on her head over he tympana.

She signed thank you, adjusting them slightly and immediatly feeling her spiking anxiety fizzle slightly.

She was close to her brother, and she had her headphones. She was okay.

Raph guided them towards the kitchen quietly, they could hear talking coming from donnies lab. The muffled voices they assumed were aprils and donnies were those of inside voices, and the other two boys were nowhere to be seen or heard.

Maybe they went out?

"okay, do you want any food while we're in here, maybe a smoothie if you're not feelin too hungry?" raph asked gently, pouring a glass of water and handing it to the girl.

Leo placed herself up on the kitchen bench next to the fridge as she sipped her water. It was her favourite spot to sit in the kitchen.

Mikey didnt like when anyone sat on the kitchen bench, but he always let lee up there when she was sitting in the kitchen watching him cook.

Speaking of mikey, it was always him who made her smoothies, not anyone else, not even her.

She had to stay far away from the toaster and the blender. They both kinda hated her, and donnie would ban them altogether if leo broke them one more time.

She wanted a smoothie, but it was always mikey who made it for her. Raph wasnt allowed to.

"but mikey always makes my smoothies..." she mumbled quietly, looking down and kicking her legs back and forth softly as she picked idly at her nails.

Raph thought for a moment. Personally he didnt really think it mattered, but he knew in leos head it was a big deal. It went against her normality, and that was hard for her. He definetly didnt want to test that right now.

She didnt say she wanted one, but he could tell she did. She always sucked at hiding when she wanted things, he remembers the day that they found their space heroes pinball machine clearer than ever.

They had just finished training and lee had decided to make them go on an extra run. They were running past the junkyard when she spotted the pinball machince and raced over.

She ended up making them all drag it back home, and the proceeded to play it until her legs gave out from exhaustion.

They then had to sit with her and watch space heroes to cheer her up, all four falling asleep in the pit that night after being exhausted.

"well how about i ring 'im and see where hes at, cause i havent heard or seen him. and then when he comes out from where ever he is ill ask him to make you one. does that sound okay?" raph compromised, taking out his T-phone and dialling his little brothers number.

Lee stayed silent from her spot on the kitchen bench. She finished her cup of water and pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and hugging herself closely.

"hey dude, whats up?" mikeys voice could be heard through the phone. There was some background voices that sounded a little like casey.

"hey little brother. where you at?" raoh asked casually.

"im just put skateboarding with casey and mondo, we got super bored. donnie said it was okay" the youngest was quick to defend himself, assuming the older would scold him for not letting him know where her was going. Raph didnt care though, donnie knew where he was and their little brother was responsible enough to go skate with a couple of friends.

"yea nah thats fine, just wanted to know where you were and when you'd be back"

"i dunno dude why" mikey continued, taking the one away from his ear for a moment to scream at someone and then returning.

"cause lee wants a smoothie, but you're the one that always makes them for her" raph offers.

"wait lees up? is she okay? and why cant your lazy shell make it? ra-phiee" mikey immediatly grew more invested in the conversation after hearing it was about his sister, not skipping the chance to mock his big brother over the phone.

"shellbrain. shes okay, and shes agreed to have a smoothie. but you have to make it because thats what you normally do" raph hinted, trying to sound casual infront of leo and not explain her feelings infront of someone else because she hadnt asked for that.

She often just ended up feeling stupid when anyone did that to her.

There was a pause for a moment, mikey thinking over the phone, before he said he would make his way home soon. They were only skating in the sewers and he was starting to grow bored anyways.

"mike'll be home soon. you wanna go back to your room, or the pit? or my room if you want up to you" raph asks gently, taking leos empty glass and sitting it on the sink.

Now that was a big choice she didnt want to make, that was scary. She didnt really have a preference either, she was just tired.

"hello my sons" they heard suddenly, turning and seeing master splinter walking though the door-way to the kitchen.

Lee's anxiety immediatly spiked, she had to talk to sensei. If she didnt he would say shes rude, or disrespectful and she'd probably get in trouble. But the thought of speaking because she was expected to was really stressing her out. She didn't understand why but she really didnt want to-

"hey master splinter, whaddaya doin?" raph asked, trying to keep the attention off lee after noticing her eyes glaze over lightly as she looked at the floor.

"just getting some water for my tea pot raphael," splinter replies calmly, making his way to the sink and filling the pot to return to his room.

"leonardo? are you feeling better, your brothers told me you were feeling unwell?" the rat man asked, watching his blue 'son'.

Lee's eyes anxiously traced the patterns in the floor tiling, having an internal freak out.

Raph noticed her lack of interest communication, watching her body shake lightly with anxiety, and quickly spoke up for her.

"hes not talking at the moment senei, but hes feeling better" raph says, diverting attention again. Lee's heart sank slightly at the misused pronouns, but she tried to ignore it. She knew it was only because her brother knew she wasnt out to their sensei.

Didnt mean it sucked any less to hear, she was an overthinker.

Splinter was silent for a moment, watching his 'son' with quizzical eyes before nodding, saying his goodbyes and leaving the room with his teapot.

"hey are you okay?" the younger asked gently, crouching to meet his sisters face.

The girl held onto the kitchen bench tightly, squeezing her eyes shut as her feet continued back and forth. She didnt respond, only shaking her head.

Gently, the red banded turtle took lee's hands in his own, guiding her off the bed and into the pit. Slowly she opened her eyes, watching tiredly as she was taken to the lounge and sat down.

Raphael wrapped his arms around leo, pulling her close as she melted into the embrace and nuzzled herself into his plastron.

Her eyes once again drooped tiredly, but raph asked her to stay awake earlier so she had to keep herself concious.

The larger noticed the girl in his arms struggling to keep her eyes open and scratched the top of her shell lightly.

"sleepin beauty over here, get some rest sister" raph mumbled, leaving a kiss on his sisters forehead as she faught her heavy eyelids.

Her eyes drooped shut for a little too long, too tired to fight it as she was lulled to sleep in her brothers arms.

- 90 minutes later (1 hr and 30 minutes (april and casey left lol)) -

"hey shhh, let'a sleep shellbrain!"

"i am!"

"you're being too loud mikey shut it"

"you're going to wake her up"

"you're gonna wake her up!"

Lee hummed lightly, a whiney sound as she dug herself further into the warmth of her brothers.

They were all being too loud. Idiots.

She felt a slightly rough hand softly rub smooth circles on her left cheek and opened her sleepy eyes to be met with a warm worried brown.

"great. ya woke her up" raph muttered, bitterly, still looking softly down af his sister.

Donnie smiled at her softly, but was almost immediatly shoved to the side. Tall, warm brown was replaced by little sky blue, bouncing excitedly.

"hi leo! are you feeling better? i missed you, i made you the smoothie you asked for. did you sleep-" he rapid-fired questions, too fast for her sleepy brain to catch.

"mikey shut up and leave her alone. you know to do that after a shutdown" donnie whisper yells, pulling mikey away.

Right, so it was a shutdown. How embarrassing... she made her brothers take care of her again. Shit shes such a bad sist-

"hey, dont do that. you have the self hatred face" donnie said, eyes squinting before he went back to arguing with fhe younger.

Lee was very thankful she was still wearing her headphones, because otherwise this argument would be chewing at her brain, like fire ants crawling around and eating her insides.

Slowly raph sat her up, but she was still leaning on him in his arms.

"are they bothering you right now?" raph mumbled, scowling lightly at his little brothers.

Leo shook her head, she didnt want them to leave or anything. She felt mre content with her brothers in her sight. Where she could hear them if she couldnt see them.

Yea they were overwhelming at times, but she needed to keep them safe as the oldest. She needed to be able to.

She watched her little brothers squabble with a small frown, fingers tapping on her plastron.

"alright quit it, mike didnt you want somethin?" raph orders, noticing her nervous stimming.

"oh yea, i made that smoothie you wanted sis. here ya go!" mikey said, shoving it into the leaders hands.

"its got pineapple, mango and rock melon in it. topped with a plastic straw because whoever said save the turtles and made all the straws cardboard is an annnoying idiot" mikey said brightly, nodding his head to emphasise his point.

Lee fully agreed. Those thick reusable plastic straws from reusable drink bottles are gross, she hated them. Metal straws were way to heavy and loud, they always clang on her teeth. And carsboard straws always go mushy if they sit there for too long, which makes her feel rushed to finish her drink.

So donnie engineered these biodegradable reusable plastic straws for her to use.

"are there any strawberries in this joint?" raph asked suddenly, groaning when mikey shook his head no.

"raph. we have literally not had strawberries in the lair since we found out lee was DEATHLY. ALLERGIC. to them" donnie deadpanned. They go over this atleast once a month.

"speaking of you health, leo do you mind if i do a super quick simple checkup? your immune system is already low like usual, but when you sleep a lot more than you typically would it weakens it more" donnie explained softly, smiling when leonardo nodded her head.

He climbed up on the lounge next to her, waiting for her to sit criss cross and turn to face him.

"okay so you know how this goes. ill just ask a couple of questions to make sure you dont have any flu symptoms and check your temperature. if you dont want to answer just let me know okay? you dont have to" lee nodded her head again, already used to donnies constant "lets make sure our big sisters body is still working correctly!" checkups. She has one like, once a week.

They went through a few questions like how her throat was feeling, if she had a cough or could breathe okay, if she had a pressure of any kind in her head. Stuff like that.

Then he finished with her temperature.

"Okay the average the temperature for us should be between around 24°C... but yours is always around 20°C because of your oddly cool body temperature... so you're fine and im done" Donnie announced, leaning back and smiling brightly at his big sister. His adorable gap tooth smile never failed to lighten lee's mood, making her smile back warmly.

"alright yall lets put on the best cartoon ever- crognard!" mikey cheered, quickly grabbing the TV remote.

Lee's eyes sparkled at the thought of the best cartoon ever.... Space Heroes....

"no oh my god can we for once watch a documentary on the arctic circle? please? mikey you know the fluffy animals are cute!" donnie pleaded while reaching for the stolen remote.

"thats so lame can we just watch something normal for once?" raph argued, joining the fight for the TV.

Leo wasnt really listening, she was still stuck on the whole best cartoon topic. Space Heroes!

"space heroes" she mumbled, flinching as all her brothers eyes turned to stare at her for a moment before realising she was uncomfortable.

"space heroes it is!" lee looked to the TV excitedly, bouncing her fists up and down on her thighs as she waited for the intro to start playing.

Her brothers werent the perfect bunch of teenage boys, i mean come on theyre teenage boys, but they were sweet and kind to her.

She would do anything for them. Always.

Chapter Text

"wheres leo?" donnie asked curiously, making his way out of his lab and only seeing his warm coded brothers.

"im pretty sure shes in the dojo dude" mikey called back, offering a smile and thumbs up when the taller thanked him before going back to his TV show.

Lee was, infact, in the dojo. She was running through katas and working on her balance, just some of her personal training she liked to do alone.

The three never understood it, she trains so much all the time.

Today she was feeling a bit funny, and she knows her brothers say that she can go to them anytime somethings wrong but... yea, shes still getting used to that.

She doesnt have a reason to feel different today either, so theres no point in looking for help if nothings wrong. Right? Right.

But she still felt funny while training. The carpet was scratchy, but bearable. She felt a fuzzy feeling in her head that made her feel almost like she was a robot or something, moving without even thinking about it.

It wasnt unwelcome, but it made her uncomfortable. Her body didnt feel like her own.

She was.... already insecure enough without that feeling. And all it did was surface that insecurity to the front of her mind.

It didnt help that the dojo has a wide full height mirror at one end to watch your form when training or working out.

She could see her body constantly. She felt so... gross.

Her body was slimmer, she was shorter and already more feminine than the others. Usually she'd appreciate that- well all the time she would. But it made her look different from the others.

None of them were the same, but they were all still mutant turtles and looked similar. But they were also all supposed to be boys... lee being here just, messes everything up.

She never looked like her brothers, like an actual boy. But she didnt look like a normal girl.

But then if she told people she was a girl, they could say that she was a boy. Same with when she told them she was a boy, they'd say theres no way she must be a girl.

Like what the fuck.

She was a girl, so being too skinny or too short to be a boy didnt bother her like it used to. But she was too muscly and just... not feminine enough? To be a girl.

To be the pretty girl she wanted to be.

Aside from the fact they're mutant turtles, her brothers werent overly ugly. Donnie and mikey were sweet and adorable, and raph pulled a tall alien warrior princess neut lady so...

She was a girl, right? Right. But she didnt look like a girl. She couldn't explain it just she just fucking didnt and it drove her crazy.

She was too big to be a girl, and dont even get her started on her voice. Thats for a whole other conversation.

Leo had seen other girl mutants before- like mona! Mona just had this femininity in her walk, the way her wide hips complimented her toned but sculpted smooth legs.

And karai! Karai was beautiful, even when in her snake form. It just added to her figure and poise. She was... thin.

The girls on space heroes were thin...

Before lee could go too deep into that hole, she was snapped out of her thoughts by a hand infront of her face.

"lee?" Donnie was infront of her, crouching down with a slightly concerned look on his face.

When did he get there?

"hey dee, whats up?" lee asked quietly with a small smile, watching donnie with distant eyes.

He was so much slimmer than she was-

She could see everything perfectly fine, her vision was clear but... fuzzy at the same time.

She wasnt here.

Donnie looked at her for a moment before taking a seat infront of her.

"were you meditating? you didnt hear me like you usually do when you're in that kind of meditative trance, but your eyes were open. they're never open" donnie said.

Anyone else would've been a little weirded out by how observant donnie was, how much he watched. But it was just his nature to observe and take in information. He and lee shared that trait, both of them were very observant.

"oh uh, no" she answered dumbly, watching donnies face.

She could see him clearly, but she just- she wasnt all there.

It was clear but she felt fuzzy. He was right there but he felt fair away. The silence was loud, even when he spoke. She felt odd speaking, like it wasnt her voice.

She guessed maybe it was because she sounded like a boy, that could be it. She sounded and looked like a boy and she wasnt supposed to?

But that didnt explain why her already disgusting body didnt feel like her own, it was still HER body.

Even though lee was unaware to it, the taller watched her worriedly.

"okay then, how about we take a break from training then huh? maybe go get some food?" donnie asked softly, reaching for his sisters hand to make her focus on him.

"uhm, sure" she mumbled distantly.

She didnt make any effort to move until she felt a tug on her hand, looking up at her brother.

"lets go" she got herself up and followed, letting the scientist guide her along through the lair as she glanced down absent-mindedly.

"mikey, what are you making?" she heard her brother speak, when did they get in the kitchen?

"fries brah, fries. theres some already cooked keepin warm in the oven, help yourself!" the youngest said with a smile, going back to watching the deep fryer.

Donnie made lee sit down, going over to the oven and pulling out the tray of cooked fries. He pulled out a plate and scooped some out with tongs, placing the tray back in the oven and sitting next to his sister with the plate.

"eat that" donnie said simply, sitting back and watching as lee ate silently.

She just... sat there and stared as she ate slowly. She didnt really taste any of the food, all she could think about was how much she felt like she was eating. How it would change her body to look even uglier, even more different, less feminine.

She wasnt sure she looked like a girl, and that bothered her.

"lee? can you tell me how they taste" mikey had long left with his own food, leaving donnie and leo alone in the kitchen.

"uh... like fries. they're good, crunchy and mikey put salt on them" she said, pushing left of salt around on her plate with one of the pieces of fried potato.

Donnie watched her again, grasping one of her green hands and rubbing smooth circles into her palms.

"could you look at me for a moment?" he asked softly.

Ocean blue met warm brown, but lee's eyes werent sunken or tired, nor were they hazy, but they had a certain glaze to them...

"okay, leonardo, I think you're dissociated, do you remember me telling you about that? does it match how you're feeling right now?" the taller asked concernedly, eyes furrowing when his sister just nodded her head.

She remembers what that was, and thinking about it... yea, she guessed it did make sense.

Knowing made her feel a little clearer, but not really.

"okay, thats okay," donnie assured, taking both of lee's hands and rubbing circles into her palms, pushing down for pressure.

"i can tell somethings bothering you, talk to me" he said warmly, but sternly, almost putting on his doctor voice.

Lee looked down shamefully, thinking about how... gross she looked. Different.

"i dont... do you think i look like a girl?" she asked quietly.

She considered lying, but donnie knew something was wrong. He could tell, and she knew she couldnt get out of it now. She couldnt even think of a good enough lie anyways, not right now. She couldnt really... think clearly? Thoughts floated around her head but didnt really stick too well.

Donnies heart dropped. Was lee experiencing body image issues? He guessed it was inevitable, shes a trans turtle mutant but he still hated the idea of her hating her own body. That was how she was alive, it was her skin and bones. Her vessel.

Your body is a vessel and you only have one, so you must treat it with love and kindness. Hating it is dangerous.

"well, you're quite... petite, you know? compared to us, you look quite feminine, so does your face. and you wear your mask in cute bows and designs. you definetly look like a girl" donnie reassured sincerely, smiling warmly.

Leo wasnt completely convinced, but she felt less foggy after that conversation.

She looked up and smiled at her brother.

"thanks dee, could i go back to training now?" she asked quickly, ocean eyes shining bright.

Donnie chuckled and squeezed her hands.

"only you, my sister, would ask to train" he said jokingly, rolling his eyes when leo nodded lightly.

"that doesnt answer my question, can i go back to training now?" she asked again.

The leader hated when people answered questions like that! Its so annoying.

Like when you ask someone what the weathers going to be like and they go "oh you wont need a jacket" or you ask them whats being made for dinner and they go "youll like it".

That doesnt answer the initial question!

It was frustrating.

"no, you can, however, go hang out with one of your brothers and relax. you've already been training enough today" he said sternly, dragging lee up from the table by her hands when she groaned in protest.

He chuckled and brought her in for a squishy hug, squeezing her tight and rocking her back and forth dramatically as she giggled.

"w-what are you even doing right now you dork!" she exclaimed through laughs, being stuck against the tallers plastron as he practically threw her back and forth.

"just loving my little sister"

"donnie im older than you"

"yea but you're short!" he beamed at his big sister.

Donnie adores his big siblings with everything in him. He always insists hes more emotionally mature than mikey, but that little kid longing for your big sibling is something he couldnt deny.

"okay, okay, you can let go now. why dont you show me what you're working on in your lab at the moment?" lee says, chuckling when her little brother immediately agrees, completely forgetting about their past conversation and dragging her towards his lab.

He was like a little puppy desperate for praise and attention, all three of her baby brothers were. Her babies. She was happy if they were happy.

It was fine. Lee was here, and she was their big sister. Thats all that mattered, she could worry about the rest later.

Chapter Text

Today wasnt even going badly.

Sure the overhead lights in the dojo were bothersome, and if she fell over and had her face touch the scratchy carpet one more time she thought she was going to scream, but it was fine.

And yea splinter was in one of his more intense training moods compared to usual.

Lee was extremely worried that it was because of her, that her and her brothers now had to do this impromptu training session. It wasnt in their regular training routine.

On top of that, april was here and watching the training session, not wanting to participate in this specific activity while the three boys had no choice.

Lee definetly didnt have one.

But it was fine.

They had failed a mission last night, and it was clearly lee's fault as the leader. She knew that, splinter had told her it enough times. And now he was gunning for her. Literally, he was currently getting her brothers to shoot arrows at her (similar to raphs one-time-thing anger issue training they did, that leo very quickly made sure he'd never have to do again, minus the insults being thrown at her) for agility training, because APPARENTLY the thing that she thought was one of her strongest skills, isnt strong enough! haha...

Its fine! Everythings... chill? As mikey would often say.

Its not like she was already as stressed out as can be, as if they didnt just save the world from an apocalyptic alien invasion after she had just healed from her worst near-death experience.

On the outside, the leaders family and friend could tell she was stressed out and anxious.

They guessed their sensei either didnt realise, or didnt care.

You'd think neither of those things would be true.

She had been since they got home last night, her fear of failure and dissatisfaction is what drove her to overwork herself.

And when that wasnt enough, and she inevitably 'failed' for perfectly valid reasons, she took it hard.

Hard didnt even begin to describe how horrid she felt after a failed mission, or even after she made a simple mistake in training.

Splinter relentlessly targeting her in today was not helping.

Hamato Leonardo was fine.

Sure, her heart was beating in her skull as the abovehead buzzing lights lit her brain on fire, dizzying her constant moving body. But she was okay.

Yea, maybe she could feel herself out of breath and hyperventilating because her anxiety had convinced her that if she did stop moving and dodging, she really would be impaled by the sticky rubber arrows and die right here under her sensei's disapproving gaze. But it was manageable.

And totally, if you guessed that the only thing she wanted to do right now was curl up in a rocking ball and hope to God that the uncomfortable pain in her chest and stomach wouldnt make her throw up or die, until maybe she could just breathe again, and then actually asked her. Well thats what she'd say. But she could just deal with it.

Her brothers were watching silently as they shot arrows at her, nervous and concerned. They weren't going to go against splinters training, but it was a real dick move in their opinion.

April sat silent also, filled with worry but not wanting to interfere or overstep boundaries between the family.

She was clearly tired and overwhelmed, but she seemed to be handling it okay.

Until an arrow hit her upper carapace.

The girl threw her swords down, reaching desperatly for the arrow to get it off of her.

Shes dead. Shes dead and shes failed and they're all gone and shes-

Raph ran over, sick of this stupid punishment disguised as training, immediately unsuctioning the arrow from her shell.

He watched as she flapped her arms desperately, breathing erratically and mumbling things to herself as she cried.

Donnie and april came close to her, trying to reach out.

"leo hey, listen to my voice. everythings okay" he tried to soothe, but the girl shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut, reatreating closer to the corner of the room.

She sat down, half collapsing and bringing her knees to her chest as she rocked back and forth.

Donnie followed, keeping a bit of space between them as watched anxiety and panic swallow his sister.

April was quick to run over as well, not being able to bare witness to what was happening and not try to help.

"yamete! leonardo-" splinter started, banging his cane into the floor.

As soon as raph saw the turtle in blue flinch, he walked up to his father and interrupted.

"oi leave him alone!" he growled, noticing mikey come up behind him.

"he is-"

"hes stressed out dad. you targeted him during training after a mission failure that wasnt even his fault! all you did was make his anxiety worse and overwhelm him. we just stopped an invasion, cut us some slack" mikey said, crossing his arms with a frown.

"guys, while i appreciate this and have my own things I'd love to say, maybe not here?!" donnie whisper yelled, trying to calm down his sister.

Mikey and raph forced splinter out of the dojo for the moment, quickly flicking most the lights off so the room would glow dimmly, so the two could focus back on the hysterical ninja on the floor.

"leonardo, can you hear me? listen to my voice" he said softly, heart cracking as he watched his sister rock back and forth while crying.

She was mumbling to herself through tears, some mostly incoherent but the things donnie could hear he didnt like.

Things like "im dead" and "im dying" "help im dying" with "i failed them" "they're gone".

"lee, you're not dying, im right here and you're not dying. you're in the dojo. you didnt fail, you're not dying. im right here. its april, and i am right here with you" the red head immediatly promised gently.

Lee tried to breathe but she couldnt focus, she felt a searing pain in her chest that felt something was twisting and clawing its way out of her heart.

She was dying.

"leo i promise you, you are not dying. you're hyperventilating and panicked. listen to my voice and my breathing. try to breathe a little slower" donnie instructed.

Breathe? Breathe, she can... she can breathe if she breathes she wont die and shes dying-

"good job thats it, in and out slowly just like me. you're not dying as long as you breathe"

Not dying, not dying not dying not dying not-

"no not dying, definetly not dying. if you open your eyes and look at me, you'll see that you're not dying. can you do that for me, open your eyes?"

Open her eyes? Donnies voice was calm, she could open her eyes, but the lights.

"the lights are off, can i grab your hand?"

Lee nodded, not being able to speak clearly as she whined and cried, chest hurting and constricting as she hyperventilated.

April took her hand, she felt the skin to skin contact and resisted the immediate urge to pull away.

"im going to run my fingers along yours. when we go up, breathe in, and then down breathe out. okay? ill verbalise for you" april instructed softly, holding leo's hand in her own.

Slowly and gently, she traced the shape of leos hand with her finger tip as if she was trying to draw the shape of her green fingers. As she traced upwards, she instructed lee to breathe in gently, and then vice versa.

It reminded lee of when they were younger, she would get really anxious some days and her baby brother would notice. He would take one of her paintbrushes and pretend to paint patterns into her hand, then after some whining get her to lay down so he could continue on her carapace.

It always lulled her to sleep. The middle children would come to see their youngest and oldest siblings cuddled up together peacefully as they slept.

The girl started to feel calmer, a fuzzy longing taking over in her head compared to the previous avoidant anxious pool of dread.

"you're doing so well lee, could you open your eyes for me now?"

Slowly, lee did open her eyes, meeting two gazes.

Her tears had slowed, leaving her eyes glossy and cheeks damp. She hiccuped and sniffed every few seconds, but her breathing had regulated as she calmed down.

She let out a whine, craving contact and warmth but not knowing how to express it.

She made grabby hands, she just wanted hugs. That was scary.

Wait, no- what was going on? Why was she...

Donnie made a confused face, why was she all the sudden acting different? Grabby hands? Her ocean eyes were glossy and wide, like a desperate child who just skinned their knee and wanted to be carried home.

A child? Donnie wondered...

April wasted no time moving closer, wrapping her arms around the turtle in blue and shushing her softly, rocking them gently.

"its okay sweetheart, im here. its okay now" she soothed, looking at donnie with a curious glance, silently asking for answers.

"hey lee, are you feeling better now?" donnie asked, scooting closer to the girls.

Leo didnt answer, nuzzling her head into april more as she stayed silent. It was weird to be so cuddly, she usually isnt- but april was warm and-

Donnie sighed softly.

"leo you've got to communicate with us so we can help" he insisted gently, smiling when her head turned and he was met with beautiful blue.

"mun'a'cate?" she mumbled childishly, in the sweetest little voice donnies ever heard, and all he could do was just smile softly and nod his head.

Lee was so confused on why she felt so small. It was so confusing but why did she like it so much-

Leo was age regressing.

The scientist thinks shes regressed before, they had all just failed to realise it at that point in time. Maybe because lee was often exhausted and her brothers would make her sleep that they didnt realise in the short time between the stressful moments and slumber. Thankfully they were always gentle with her, its important to treat her younger when in a little space.

Baby talk, lack of verbal communication, suddenly very sensory seeking.

Some of these things were common in lee already, but it was that of a child that made so much difference. It was clear as day that this wasnt her teenage big sister right now, shes not normally 'childish' simply because shes autistic.

Meltdowns and tantrums are very different, its a common misconception that donnie wishes he could eradicate from existence; autistic individuals arent just "acting like children". Stupid people online.

"yup, i just mean you gotta tell me how you feel. sorry about the big words, they're a little confusing sometimes huh" donnie cooed lightly, smiling warmly when lee nodded.

"ches' an'a 'ummy hur's li'll'a bit" she mumbled quietly.

Leo was scared, because this is weird. Donnies voice is all upbeat and indulgent like he’s talking to a really young child, and she’s so scared and overwhelmed and she doesn’t understand why it feels so nice and why she craves it so much all the sudden-

April watched confusedly, sending donnie a look that said "what the fuck".

The redhead didnt mind the cuddles, dont get her wrong she loved leo with her whole heart, sometimes more than she thought she should, but she was so utterly confused.

The turtle in purple smiled reassuringly, mouthing that he'd explain in a moment.

He then opened his arms, beckoning for his sister to climb into them. When she didn't move, he spoke gently.

"how about turtle cuddles? i might be able to help the ouchies" donnie smiled when the little crawled into his arms, seeking attention and sensory stimulation through physical touch.

She needed to be close to her brothers, it was a must when they were younger and definetly still is now. Even though she often didnt have an interest in playing with them or talking to him, she always seemed to need to know where they were. To be able to atleast see them at all times, constantly wobbling around checking where they were.

Gently, the taller began rubbing soothing circles into leos plastron, rocking softly as he did so. Lee hid her face in her brothers shoulder, chirruping in approval. She nibbled on her finger as she sniffled quietly.

"lee's age regressing. I'd guess shes around the age of three or four, does that sound right little miss? do you feel smaller in your head?" donnie cooed softly.

April made a quiet 'ohhh' sound, she knew what age regression was.

They both knew enoigh about age regression to be able to explain it to the others, as well as to know what to do in this situation.

Lee nodded her head, thats what it was, she felt small.

"uhuh, i f'inks i smawl... is bad?" Her speech was slurred through her finger and started to cry again, clinging closely to donnie as she did so. This was scary, what if her brothers got mad? What if she got in trouble?

"no no, definetly not bad" he assured, but it didnt ease her anxiety.

"b-bee" she sniffles, and donnies heart does little circles at the nickname he hasnt heard in years.

When lee was first learning to talk, sometimes she couldnt pronounce her D's, along with other sounds and letters, and she'd usually say B sounds instead.

"shhh shhh, its okay lee, ive got you. deep breaths" he shushed, continuing to rock them side to side as he rubbed a conforting hand on her carapace.

"am'a twuble?" she cried, hiccupping and snuggling closer when donnie pulled her tighter into his arms.

Aprils heart broke as she quickly jumped in, not being able to contain herself.

"oh lea sweetheart no you're not in trouble" april assured, a look of sorrow on her face as she watched the upset child.

"hey april, could you let the guys know whats happening? i-"

"nuh uh!" lee quickly interrupted, pulling her head up and looking at her brother with desperate eyes.

"no what hunny, im not sure what you're talking about" donnie asked concernedly, adjusting lee in his lap.

"no tewlo! d'ey get mad, won' wike me" the younger wailed, a fresh stream of tears pouring down her face.

Donnie was quick to comfort her, pulling her as close as he could.

"no they wont blue blue, your brothers love you bunches! they would never ever" donnie quickly assured in an upbeat tone, leaving a soft little kiss on the crown of the toddlers head.

As soon as he realised how young leo was he immediately grew protective. He was weird with kids, feeling the same way towards them as raph did. They were snotty nosed and loud.

But, he now temporarily had another baby sibling, who was actually a baby and not just a little younger, and he was never EVER going to let anyone hurt leo while she was like this.

"hey lea, i can go talk to your brothers and if they get mad then i wont let them in. but i promise they wont. is that okay?" april reasoned, voice so reassuring and motherly that the turtle tot couldnt help but trust her and let her leave.

"dont worry I've got you, big brothers got you baby blue it's okay" he shushed as she cried quietly.

Soon the two heard footsteps, and as lee made herself as small as she felt she could without retreating into her shell, donnie looked up and gave his brothers a tired smile.

Mikey gasped quietly at the sight of his bi- well... little sister, curled up on the ground in their big brothers arms, hiding away. He quickly made his way over to his siblings and plopped himself down next to them, placing a comforting hand on his sisters carapace.

"hi little loo! i heard you crying, whats the matter?" the turtle in orange asked, feeling funny that he wasnt the youngest at the moment, but immediately beaming and taking the chance to be a big brother.

The little cried harder, mumbling something mikey couldnt understand.

As soon as raph heard his sister crying he came over, sitting next to her and putting his forehead against her shoulder as he let out low protective rumbles.

"don whats she saying? i cant understand her" mikey asked worriedly.

"shes just really scared you guys are upset at her, other than that she should be feeling a bit better. april explained whats going on didnt she?" donnie informed quietly, shushing the sniffling girl in his arms.

He looked up to see the red-head standing in the doorway, tilting his head quizzically for confirmation.

"yea i did, i promised that they wouldn't be mad lea" april cooed warmly, wanting nothing more than to see the upset turtle smile.

The girl only sniffled, turning to the side where raph was leaning against her. The little noises he was making were low and protective, but soothing and warm. Not angry. She swears she felt little droplets on her arm.

"w'aphie... otay?" she mumbled through her finger, worried and confused, still scared her brothers were mad.

Raph chuckled lightly at the old nickname, lee's inability to pronounce certain sounds because she was so young, pulling his head up and smiling softly.

There wasnt any evidence of tears, but the turtle in blue swears she felt them fall.

He cupped her cheek softly, wiping any reminisce of her own tears and squishing her cheek in the process.

"of course i am, thank you for asking though, you're so sweet" raph said gently, in a sweet voice the others hadnt ever heard before.

"is she okay?" mikey asked donnie quietly, voice dripping with pure concentrated worry, which to lee is somehow both comforting and upsetting at the same time.

Leos breath catches and fresh tears dribble down her cheeks as she looks from raph to her orange brother with a quivering lip.

"aw no sunshine dont cry... did i do something to upset her?" he felt a warm feeling of nostalgia at the use of the old nickname. Although, when they were younger it was leo calling mikey her little sunshine, not the other way around.

"no, i think shes still scared" donnie mumbles just as softly.

Now lee cant help but sob into her brothers plastron, turning her head away from everybody because now they're talking about her and it doesnt sound good.

"its okay lee, you're not in trouble" donnie continues to mumble, pressing a soft kiss into the crown of her head.

"i didnt expect you to be so good with kids" raph muttered fondly, watching his younger siblings.

"im about as good as you with kids" donnie muttered back, trying not to smile at raphs disbelieved scoff.

"hi baby sister, april told us how old you were feeling. only four? you're so itty bitty and precious! we could never be mad at such a sweet little girl, i pinky promise" mikeys repressing the urge to squeal at how cute his sister is, bright blue eyes so innocent as she turns back to him, finger still resting in her mouth as she shakily holds out her other hand.

"p'omis'?" raph reaches up to wipe at her shiny cheeks gently once again as mikey interlocks their pinkys in a special sacred pinky promise.

"promise promise!" he beams happily, pulling his signature grin and giving her a wink.

They all smile fondly when they hear the little giggle.

"silly" she tells mikey, relaxing into her purple brother rather than clinging to him for dear life as she grins.

"you know it sweet pea" mikey replies, booping the youngers nose and grinning ear to ear when she squeals quietly and lets out another giggle.

"no' mad a' me? no'n twuble?" she asks again, still nervous.

"definetly not baby"

"not even the littlest bit!" they both assure, and lee's anxiety is finally soothed hearing it full and well from her brothers, seeing their smiles and getting their hugs.

She seems to have forgotten about splinter, which donnie supposes is a good thing for now. He really didnt want her to cry anymore, he didnt know how much more of a crying child he could handle. She was just so sad, it was overwhelmingly upsetting and he knew all three of them wished they could will it away with one poof.

"m'kay, l'uv y'u bun'shes" she says, no longer sad and now having a smiley expression.

Mikey audibly awh's, holding his hands over his mouth as he rocks forcefully and literally squeals.

"donnie shes too innocent and sweet i think im gonna melt!" mikey exclaims melodramatically, flopping on the floor and reaching towards his sister.

The older two laugh at the younger, shaking their heads at his antics. Leo giggles happily at her silly older brother.

April walks over after watching her family fondly, smiling lovingly at them. She crouches down infront of leo, smiling mever faltering.

"hi sweetheart, I've gotta head home now. are you gonna be okay with your brothers? they're a little silly" she whispers the last part, earning another giggle in return.

The littles face falls when she realises april said she had to leave, whining lightly.

"i otay bu' i don wan y'u ta go" she claims sadly. April softens, reaching up to cup her face in her hands and leaving a kiss on her forehead.

"i know baby blue, but you can see me later, okay? i love you bunches, dont be sad" she assured, using the saying that donnie had started, it was quickly turning into a regular phrase. I love you bunches. How sweet and pure?

Her bottom lip trembles, but she nods in understanding. That wasnt enough for april, no, she wasnt going to leave while her baby blue was upset.

She brought her head back down, lee's cheeks still cupped in her hands as she placed kisses all over her head and face.

She smooched loudly, gently placing butterfly kisses all over until she had the girl squealing and smiling widely, hands on top of aprils.

"pil! tickwl tickwl!" she squealed, kicking her feet up and down gently. By now she had made her way on the floor rather than sitting in donnies lap.

April placed her forehead on leo's mirroring her bright smile.

"you're so squishy and cute lea, i love you" she said warmly, heart melting when the little placed a small sloppy kiss on the red-head freckled nose.

"wuv y'u pil!" lee replied back, squinting when april placed one final kiss between her eyes where her nose would be before standing up.

"bye sweetheart, bye boys. talk to yous later, make sure they dont get into any trouble alright my sweet blue" she cooed, waving to the brothers as well.

"ill walk you out" donnie claimed, standing up, leaving a pat on lee's head before he followed april out.

"bye bye pil!" lee quickly called out, april making sure she replied before leaving.

When they got to the lairs entrance, donnie pulled the girl into a hug.

"thank you for helping me with her today, im not sure if i could have gotten her to calm down on my own" the scientist said with a sigh and tired smile.

April gave the boy a squeeze before pulling away, smiling fondly.

"of course don, we're all family, we lean on eachother. lea's a sweeatheat" she said warmly. Donnie hummed in reply, watching his friend with a smile.

"what?" she asked confusedly, letting out a laugh.

"you like my sister, dont you" he said, triumphant smirk growing when she bumbled out nonsense.

"bye donatello!" she called out quickly, turning and walking down the sewers, ignoring the purplettes laughs.

Donnie sighed fondly before making his way back to the dojo. A thought crossed his mind, where did splinter go?

When he walked back into the room, raph was sitting watching the two youngest siblings play patty cake with smiles.

Her stomach took that chance to growl, not super loudly but noisy enough to be heard.

"well, it is lunchtime" donnie muses, watching leo now playing with mikeys fingers.

"you hungry missy?" raph asks, poking her side softly, making her squeal.

"no poke!" she orders, trying to imitate a strong leader voice only to sound like a young child during playtime.

The turtle in red chuckles and raises his hands in defeat, grinning.

"sorry sorry, are ya hungry?" hes asks again, resisting the urge to pinch leos cheeks when she makes the cutest, very chilish version of her usual thinking face before nodding.

"nummy?" she asks, eyes sparkling as her hands flap up and down softly. She must be hungry.

"yea hun, a nummy" raph says gently.

Donnie watches, his siblings have come such a long way over the years. They were best friends when they were younger, then it came to a point where all they did was fight. The scientist fought the urge to lecture raph every time he argued with leo, but he could see how guilty he felt afterwards. And lee always looked after all three of them, never playing favourites or leaving raph out because of his loud mouth that spat hurtful words. No matter how stressed or tired she looked she always denied it with a warm smile, tending to anything they needed.

It was just really great to be able to take care of leo sometimes, for her to feel comfortable enough to let them.

"you sure can have a nummy sunshine! me and don don will go make everyone some lunch, kay?" mikey cooe's at her, standing up and running out of the dojo.

Lee looked up at donnie for confirmation, still a little nervous that her brothers might not want to stay with her. Donnie gave lee a dubious look, tilting his head and glancing at raph.

"you're okay hunny, we'll be back. be good for raph" he says gently, walking out of sight.

"hey mikey, what happened with sensei?" donnie asked asked quietly once they were in the kitchen, one hundred percent certain their sister was out of earshot.

"hes in his room as far as i know. raph gave him a bit of a mouthful, and i tried to keep him respectful cause i know leo wouldnt like it if he got in trouble but hey, dude didnt say anything that wasnt true" mikey informed calmly. He didnt seem too distressed about it, so donnie let it go, deeming it wouldnt be an issue in the future.

"she seemed okay, yea?" the orange ninja continued after a few moments of comfortable silence.

"yea, i think shes okay, she was pretty vocal, more than i expected" donnie claimed, thinking outloud.

"yea, but once she learnt to talk she went through stages of not talking, remember? shes not doing full sentences or anything" mikey chimes in, remembering the coversation they had with splinter about how lee was when she was younger.

"thats true, alright. lets make some lunch. im starving"

-

Lee watched as her brothers left, then trained her eyes down, tracing the patterns in the carpet without touching the fuzzy texture. She made "bumbumbum" noises quietly as she focused on the carpet.

"hey squirt, do you wanna come watch space heroes with me?" that got the girls attention. She nodded her head excitedly, watching her brother stand up and immediatly making grabby hands.

"up up" she said softly, and raph immediately obliged because how could anyone say no to her cute little voice and puppy eyes? They were worse than mikeys!

The red coded turtle carried his sister out to the pit, placing her down and turning on the tv.

"hey, ill be right back, kay?" raph said quickly, making sure she heard him before taking off towards their rooms.

Lee went back to her "bumbumbum", tilting her head side to side and softly drumming her hands rhythmically along with her vocal stims.

Raph didnt take too long, coming back in a couple minutes with leos blue fluffy (not weighted) blanket and her old monkey lovey from when she was young. Splinter had sewn and crotcheted it to look like a macaque, the turtle in blues favourite japanese animal.

Her eyes sparkled when she saw the soft toy, immediatly making grabby hands and hugging it close. She nibbled lightly on its ear, looking to her brother.

"t'ank y'u w'aphie" she chirruped happily.

The others hadnt seen the plush in years, but raph knew she still had it. He saw it peeking out from under her pillow one time when he was in her room.

"thought you might want saru, and i got your stary blanky for you so you could get all snuggled up while you watch ya space show" he said, sitting next to her and draping the blanket around her shoulders.

He was surprised he even remembered the things name, but how could he forget? Leo had it with her almost all the time until her "i need to act big and responsible and take care of my brothers because they're my babies" thoughts set in.

"w'aphie s'uggles?" lee asked curiously, a little nervous her brother would reject her.

All her nervousness went away when raph said "of course" and smiled warmly, lifting his arm for her to snuggle into his plastron before wrapping her in his embrace. How could he possibly say no to snuggles?

He pressed play on space heroes, and the little was immediately fixated on the tv and the tv only as she churred happily and weakly chewed on saru.

Once she was fully relaxed in raphs arms, a wave of tiredness washed over her. As she yawned widely, nuzzling into her brother more, raph scratched the bottom of her carapace, drawing random patterns and shapes into her shell soothingly.

"are you tired little miss, huh?" raph cooed lightly, watching his sister in his arms who rubbed her half lidded eyes tiredly, nodding softly.

"well we have had a big day. close them eyes and have a snooze darling" he guided gently.

When the younger took her hands away from her eyes and kept them on the tv, open and awake.

She felt sleepy, and raph was comfy but donnie and mikey were making lunch right now. She should wait.

Raph had a similar thought process in his head, but it went deeper and he cane to the conclusion that she should probably just get some rest. Besides, she looked like she would just fall asleep in her food if they tried to feed her.

So, he did what any big brother would do and lightly dragged his finger down lee's nose in between her eyes repeatedly, watching her eyes stay shut longer with each drooping blink until they stayed shut fully.

She did want to watch space heroes, but raphie was so warm and snuggly. She was very sleepy. Maybe lunch could wait till later.

Her whole body went limp and her lovey fell more into her arms, out of her mouth as she laid against her big brother, sleeping soundly.

Chapter Text

Leo was in a foul mood today, and everyone had noticed. She was currently training, like she had been for the past six hours.

Well, it had been more than six hours, thats just how long theyre absolutely certain shes been in the dojo for.

The younger three peaked their heads in the doors of the dojo discreetly, to see lee currently in a one armed handstand, legs spread into the splits while she waved her katana around elegantly in some form of pattern.

The three had no idea what the shell she was doing, possibly practising her split kick? but it looked tiring enough.

They quickly and quietly backed away before she had noticed them.

"yo whats her deal? she seems all tired and grumpy and shes hidden away all day. shes goin emo leo on us again" mikey asks quietly, scared their big sister could hear them.

Dude was crazy stealthy.

"i dont know but if she doesnt stop ima barge in there and make her take a nap. splinter doesnt even make us train physically on tuesdays" raph grumbled bitterly, arms crossed. His tone was harsh, but they could see on his face that the red coded turtle was just concerned.

"thats actually a good idea- but will probably end badly. last night lee locked me out of my lab till morning, and i got up and my lab was unlocked while she was already training in the dojo. i got up at six this morning because i wanted to finish one of my projects." donnie explained, peaking at the door, also scared leo would magically appear and get angry.

"i heard a noise at like, two in the morning but i went back to sleep- yall would never catch me up that early unless i hadnt gone to bed to begin with" mikey said, shaking his head and pulling a face.

"alright thats it- if shes been up since god damn two then theres something wrong and she needs to stop. ima go in and talk to her" raph insisted, walking back towards the dojo.

"dont follow him, just wait out here. you know how lee gets when we gang up on her" donnie mumbled, tugging his little brother towards the pit to watch TV quietly while they eavesdropped.

Raph walked back into the dojo to see lee in a different position, balancing on her toes with one leg lifted to the side in a perfect right angle. One of her katana were balanced upwards on her raised foot, the other on her head. It was like she was doing ballet.

After a while you learn not to question leos personal training methods.

"lee its time to take a break sis" raph started, watching leos unmoving body.

"go away raphael" lee mumbled, eyes still closed as she balanced perfectly. She was trying to be blank and ignore her brother, and raph wanted to know why.

"no im not goin away. you're comin and takin a break you're not trainin anymore today" raph continued sternly, crossing his arms and glaring at his big sister.

The girl opened her eyes, squinting at raph. She took both swords from their places, placing them off to the side as she wasnt wearing his holsters, and lowered back down into a typical stance.

"cant you see im trying to train? maybe you should join me" it sounded like a childish jab, leo had a bit of a resting bitch voice and normally raph would have taken it as a jab, but he knew his sister well enough to know that it wasnt.

It was just her lack of understanding with tone, sounding sarcastic and blank a lot of the time when she didnt mean to as well as not understanding others. She also got snappy when she was overstimulated.

But usually it wasnt childish and petty like that.

"you've been in here what, since two in the mornin? which means you havent slept nearly enough cause we got home 'round midnight from a mission. you're done. get your shit and lets go" raph practically ordered, not expecting the leader in blue to just give in.

Leonardo? Giving in? Wishful thinking. She was the most stubborn out of the four of them.

The blue clad turtle looked at him with cold, almost desperate but collected eyes. Usually the leader would reprimand him for his language, but she didnt.

"no. leave. me. alone" she said simply, unblinking as she stared blankly.

"no. you're. done. training" raph retorted, matching lee's hard stare. She was being all anti-social again, this wasnt their regular big sister. Something was bothering her and he was going to figure out what.

He watched leos eyes furrow,

shes cracked.

"why cant you jus' listen to me?! go try to order around someone else raph, you're not the oldest!" leo exclaimed, raising her voice and stepping forward slightly.

What did being the oldest have anything to do with this?

Raph could read his sister easier than she thought he could.

The younger almost yelled back, but he kept his cool. He had been working on that since the farmhouse, keeping his cool with lee.

The leader in blue tended to lash out at times, never violently towards her brothers, but just in general.

Emotional regulation was never either of the twins strong suit, lee was just very, very private about her outbursts until she couldnt be. Thats when they knew something was wrong.

If it was physically towards her brothers? Well, something was really- really wrong.

Raph immediately grew worried, protective over his sister.

"hey, dont give me that load of shell nardo. whats going on?" raph asked more gently, sensoring himself.

He had a feeling his twin was going to have a regression moment, it usually happened when the leader was overly stressed, tired and anxious- which was a lot of the time actually. And now definetly seemed like one of those times.

Sometimes her little space was just triggered by mikey in one of his weird baby fever moods where he purposely brung out leos childish quirks and traits the leader had hidden away in order to be the 'mature big sister'. He would just be in a caregiver mood, and it would trigger leos little space - the blue turtle never minded.

He wont lie, when they first found out leo was an age regressor, raph was a little bit confused and weirded out protective and gentle nonetheless, you guys remember.

But it totally made sense.

He loved his big sister with his whole heart, dont get him wrong, but their leader in blue was traumatised as fuck and robbed of her childhood unlike the others would ever truly know.

Splinter was their dad, but he'd always be lee's sensei first, master second, mentor, adviser, elder- and father very last. He was still there, just not there-there, for her, you know?

So by leos little outburst of a reaction, it was likely he would end up in a little space.

Hey, who said donnie was the smart one? Raphs doing pretty alright.

He stepped towards his big- er... his sister and placed a hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

Leo immediately felt the fuzziness in her head growing, all her misplaced anger from seconds ago being replaced with a newfound exhaustion and childish longing.

Her eyes glossed over lightly, giving them a shine as she let out little distressed clicks, something they did unconciously when their emotions overwhelmed them.

Raph softened, pulling his sister in for a hug.

They got a lot closer when raph realised lee wasnt just splinter junior, teachers pet with a stick shoved up his ass. She wasnt the golden child, she was just forced to be perfect- and she thought raph hated her.

After they got over that hurdle, leo was a lot more open with her brothers about her mental health. Thats how they found how she had ASD, and they couldnt be more grateful they figured it out.

"its okay, im here. you wanna tell me whats wrong?" raph asked, a soft voice reserved for only his family, especially a little leo.

When the blue turtle didnt respond, raph pulled her infront of him and ran his thumb across lee's shiny damp cheek, crounching down like you would with a little kid.

"how about you tell me why you've been up since two in the morning little miss? especially after patrol and fightin those nasty foot bots. you must be exhausted" raph asked gently, his usual deep gruff voice making him sound like a dad (mikey teased him for it all the time).

He poked leos cheek, making the leader squint her eye and swat at her brother.

"nigh'mare" there's the baby mumble talk lee always did when upset and little, the initial indicator for raph to go "caregiver mode" as mikey forced donnie to describe it.

Raph thought about the times when they were younger sleeping in the same room, excluding splinter, and they would wake up to leo upset because of a nightmare.

Her fear of failure had been something inplemented on her since ahe was young, her anxiety never helping with hee insecurities. She always had nightmares about her brothers being "gone", the three would huddle around their big sister and hold her while she sniffled until they all fell back asleep.

They all thought she outgrew them, until it was revealed she didnt. That earned the leader a mental health lecture from donatello.

"which one was it this time bub?" he asked knowingly, taking a guess it was something about lee being too weak to save her brothers. It would explain the ten hours of training, after lucky to be two hours of sleep- AFTER training followed by a mission.

"was too weak to save you guys 'gain so haf'ta train so im good 'nuff" leo explained, nodding her with a determined look on her face.

Raph tilted his head to the side, raising a non-existent brow and smiling.

"now, havent we talked about this before?" raph asked gently, only being met with silence.

He took a seat leaning against the wall of the dojo, patting the spot on floor to his right.

Lee crossed her arms with a pout- she didnt want to sit down! she wanted to keep training so that she could protect her brothers.

But raph was giving her that look mummies give their kids on TV when if they dont do what they're told they'll get in trouble.

Lee didnt like getting in trouble, it meant getting grounded and having no space heroes, comics or painting. It was so unfair, her brothers would always take them away if she didnt listen, and even send her to the corner if she was naughty - sensei never did. Sensei did meaner things.

Leo was rarely little around splinter, she didnt like it very much. Not an overly comforting experience.

So the blue turtle crossed her arms, putting on a pouty face and sitting next to her brother, pulling her knees into her chest.

"i have a question, and if you dont know thats okay, but do'ya think you know how old you're feeling?" he asked gently, watching as lee counted on her fingers and shakily held up five.

"five? alright then, thank you for telling me. you're such a good girl" he praises, offering a supportive smile.

"so what happened this time" he continued, watching the smaller glare at the carpet.

"sh-redder destwoy all of y'u, den se'sei got super 'uper mad 'nd say it wa' all my fau't, den he lef' me all 'lone" lee mumbled, glossy eyes still trained down at the carpet.

"well you know thats only ever gonna be a dream lee" raph said simply, watching as leo brought her head up and looked at raph curiously.

"whatcha mean?" leo asked confusedly.

Raph lifted his arm up for the blue turtle to crawl under, being engulfed in a hug.

"well, i mean thats never gonna happen. you know why?" raph asked softly, resting his chin on top of lee's head when she muttered a small 'why' in response.

"because you arent weak and we know you'd never let anyone hurt us. ill talk about it more when you're feeling more like a big girl, but for right now you gotta remember that if you train too much you'll be too tired to protect anyone. so no more training for today, got it pumpkin?" raph said, poking leo in random places until she cracked a smile and giggled.

"m'kay, we twain ta'gever ta'morwo' dough?" lee asked with a small smile. Raph smiled back and gave his sister a kiss on the forehead.

"we'll see what happens, i think we should get some rest now though, dont you think? for a little miss five year old girl, you were up at yucky hours this morning" raph cooed as he watched leo yawn and rub her eyes tiredly.

She hummed in agreement and looked up to her brother from her spot on the floor, raising her arms and making grabby hands.

"uppies?" leo asked, and raph rolled his eyes playfully, making a 'tch' sound before picking his baby sister up.

"go wa'sh TV wi'va ov'ers?" leo mumbled, looking at her brother with sad puppy eyes that were worse than mikeys.

"sure bub, but you still gotta sleep" raph said.

"uhuh, i jus' wan' be 'round awl of y'u" she says with a sleepy smile. Raphs heart softened, giving the girl a squeeze.

The two made their way out of the dojo and into the main area of the lair. Donnie and mikey were sitting on the couch pretending to not have been eaves dropping.

"hey guys, look who i found" raph announced casually, making the others turn their heads.

The two immediately understood what was going on and smiled warmly.

"hi little loo!" mikey greeted excitedly, offering a wave and beaming when she waved back.

The twins sat on the lounge with the others, donnie opening his arms for cuddles from leo.

The leader immediatly crawled into his arms, snuggling againgst the tallers plastron.

"we done with training are we bug?" donnie asked gently, smiling at his current younger.

"mm hmm, bubby say no more twainin' today tause 'm too tired. hes gonna talk ta'me more when 'm feewin' wike a big girl 'gain an' den we can twain more" the little said casually, nuzzling into her brother.

"ahhh right. fair enough, should probably get some sleep then huh" donnie cooed, chuckling when leo mumbled a small "uh huh".

"hey sunshine, wheres mikeys cuddles?" mikey asked teasingly from his spot on the couch.

The orange banded turtle was laying down, leaning his lower carapace against the armrest as he spread out across the lounge.

Lee perked up with a determined look, quickly crawling across the couch and falling into mikeys arms plastron first.

They both squeezed eachother tightly.

"wanna watch bluey with snuggles from your favourite brother?" mikey asked warmly, holding the little close.

Mikey totally would've suggested space heroes or lego ninjago, but knowing his sister he knew that if either of those were put on there was no hope in her sleeping. She was pretty exhausted, but mikey didnt want to take that chance. Plus, bluey was strictly little leo content.

"mm hm, bu i don' hav'a favour't brov'er" the three turtles hearts melted while mikey had a mini fangirl moment internally.

If you think the boys are too indulgent with leo, wait until she regresses around april. She gets all the sweets and cuddles in the world.

Raph pressed play on bluey and turned the volume all the way down so it was a mere soft hum, knowing lee would be lucky if she could make it through the intro.

And the red clad turtle was correct, when he turned to the little after the intro had ended, her eyes were shut and she wasnt moving a muscle.

Yea, she was dead asleep. Could you blame the poor kid? She had just gone like, twenty six hours being awake, with the current mentality of a five year old. She'll probably sleep for the next seven years, she has before.

"so what was her freak out training about?" donnie asks quietly.

Thats what the three called it, leos freak out training. She would train hard all day every day, but there were only so many days she'd train at all hours of the night and morning and not leave the dojo for over quadruple the time she had slept for.

"she had another anxiety nightmare, and instead of coming to us about it like we tell her to, the shellbrain decided to train herself into an early grave. because somehow being 'weak' is worse than dying of exhaustion." raph said sarcastically, watching his tone while his sister slept.

"dude how many times is she gonna do that, you'd think she'd just talk to us by now. we've pried her out of the dojo like- countless times cause she was training too much" mikey muttered, rubbing soft circles into leos carapace when the little stirred and mumbled something incoherent.

"theres really nothing we can do. we kind of just have to keep doing what we're doing and making sure she knows that we're here"

There was a beat of silence before mikey spoke up again.

"hey dee, i know you said that lee being little was a coping mechanism. but why does she do it?" he asked curiously.

"well i think she age regresses when shes stressed, which would make sense and be a good coping strategy for her if it was voluntary and she was aware of it. child leos anxiety was always easier to soothe compared to leo now. and for her, stress and anxiety leads to over-stimuation and over-stimulation leads to meltdowns. if shes triggered when stressed or anxious, we can possibly prevent it by soothing her anxiety with-"

"okay shellbrain we get it, thanks" raph put a stop to donnies explanation and theories, not in the mood to listen to a twenty minute rant.

The three sat silently after their small conversation, not wanting to accidentally wake up leo. The little was exhausted, but also a light sleeper usually; they werent taking any chances.

- thirteen hours later -

Lee had been sleeping soundly, only stirring when they had to gently pick her up and manoeuvre her so mikey could go to the bathroom.

So right now the little was laying peacefully on the couch curled up under her fluffy blue stary night blanket while raph watched TV.

She had been sleeping for ages, but none of the three minded. It meant no training and their sister actually resting, what was there to complain about?

But good things cant last forever, and lee eventually started to stir. Raph just watched quietly, glancing over every now and then.

Sometimes the leader would go to sleep in little space and then wake up big, it was too early for him to tell yet.

Leo eventually sat up, rubbing her half lidded eyes and yawning tiredly. She looked around and spotted raph, crawling over to him and snuggling into his arm while burying herself in her blanket.

Yep, little space.

"well good morning to you too pumpkin" raph huffed out in amusement, smiling as lee clicked and churred instead of responding verbally.

"you feeling all better now you had a snooze?" raph asked, wrapping his arm around the younger.

Lee nodded her head with half lidded eyes, her thumb resting in her mouth as she stared at the TV. She was still feeling sleepy, barely paying attention.

Raph quickly changed the channel to bluey, not currently getting up to put on space heroes while holding lee.

What he was watching previously was not age appropriate when leo was possibly as young as two right now.

Lee pointed lazily at the TV with the hand what wasnt in her mouth, churring happily. Raph smiled warmly and chuckled.

"oh really? is it blue blue is it?" he cooed, watching as lee nodded her head insistently.

Donnie made his way out of his lab, noticing the change in the TV and assuming the turtle in blue had finally awoken.

He walked over the the lounge, leaning over the back of it and smiling when he saw his little sister watching bluey intently.

"hi blue blue" donnie greeted, hugging the younger from behind.

She clicked and chirped excitedly, pointing at the TV and quickly turning around and knealing on the couch so she could hug her brother around the neck.

The taller hugged back without a second thought, but when he tried to pull away, the little didnt let go. So he sighed fondly and wrapped his arms around leo tightly, picking her up and holding her supportively on his hip.

He was eternally thankful lee was smaller than him, it made carrying her around so much easier. Sure he still wasnt very strong and raph could totally carry her better, but the height difference made it a lot more comfortable for both of them.

Leo wrapped one arm around the tallers neck, having the other brought close to her chest while his finger still rested in her mouth. Her sleepy ocean eyes were still directed towards the TV, not wanting to miss a second of the show shes already seen countless times.

Donnie noticed the finger in her mouth and tapped her hand.

"hey, what did we say about that sweet pea. theres lots of germs so we dont put our fingers in our mouth, its yucky. we live in a sewer." the purple turtle says, putting on his big brother lecture voice he used to give mikey when they were younger.

Leo left her finger in her mouth, whining and hiding her head in the crook of her brothers neck.

"don she just woke up and its a comfort thing, ya really expect her not to do it? plus i think shes younger than before she fell asleep" raph asked, dubious but not harsh.

Donnie just sighed and gave in, it was really the least of his worries and he didnt want to upset leo.

"hey, do you want to go see what mimi's doing? maybe he can make some waffles, im sure your little tummy is hungry" donnie cooes.

The scientist himself would've made them, but lee was used to mikey atleast being in the kitchen while whatever she was eating was being cooked. It probablg would have upset her if she didnt ask him.

When the younger looked up with bright blue eyes, yet didnt smile, the scientist blew raspberries into her unhidden cheek making her squeal and giggle, trying to get away.

Lee pushed donnies hands away, smiling widely and nodding her head.

The older took note of the way she wasnt talking, raph was probably right in saying she had regressed to more nonverbal years around two or three.

He walked her to mikeys room, knocking on the door lightly in a silly pattern that lee tilted her head side to side to.

Mikey ran to the door, opening it and immediatly beaming at his baby sister.

"why hello little lu lu! what are you doing here?" the orange turtle asked brightly, booping the youngers nose softly and listening to her chirp happily.

"we were wondering if you could make some waffles, since this one hasnt eaten in a while" she hadnt eaten since before their mission, so over a day ago.

The girl had her problems with her eating, she was picky with textures and tastes so it made her palate a little small. She always tried to eat what she was given though, not wanting to be rude or disrespectful because one time in a movie someone didnt eat what was cooked for them and the other person got super mad. She didnt want to upset any of her family like that.

But all it did was make her sick, she'd vomit almost everytime they ate, which was how they found out she was eating food that she didnt like and wasnt good for her. They devised a safe food list, and a not safe food list. The thing in between were fine, they just werent her favourites.

"sure can sunshine, ill go get started right now. after that we'll have playtime, okay?" he cooed, making smoochy kissy noises that makes lee giggle and then walking past his two siblings out to the kitchen.

Donnie heads back out to the pit where raph was still sitting. Lee notices hes waiting there with saru, her macaque monkey lovey, and points excitedly, wanting to go over to her big brother in red.

Now the scientist would just put her down and let her walk, but it was still a bit far away for her. She was currently in her regular teenage body, with the mind of a one to two year old which they guessed from her lack of speech and childish mannerisms compared to that of when lee regresses to an older age. She probably woupdnt be able to walk around all that great.

Which would make this the youngest their sister had ever regressed. They had never seen her so relaxed and content, she just seemed very comfortable and sleepy. Her pupils werent as contracted as usual, which was a common symptom associated with her evergrowing anxiety.

The three were glad that she was comfortable enough to regress that young, but it also stressed them out just a tiny bit. A two year old to make sure doesnt get upset? A hard task. It was important that when lee was in little space she wasnt upset or anything, because thats supposed to be her safe space.

It was a little dangerous for her to be so young and no one watching her, so they made sure someone was with her at all times. It was a good thing all three of them acted like a caregiver, as well as april. Otherwise they probably would've had a little disaster by now.

So donnie walked over to the couch, placing their eager little sister down and watching with a fond smile as she took the soft toy and cuddled it closed, chirruping happily as she snuggled herself under raphs arm and into his side.

"hey bub" The red turtle greeted calmly.

Lee pointed at the TV impatiently, wanting raph to unpause bluey.

"yea yea dont get ya bow in a twist, bossy pants" he teased, pressing the play button and watching as lee was immediatly immersed in the tv and only the tv.

Donnie went into the kitchen to see mikey, who was surprisingly almost done with the waffles, only needing to plate them.

"make sure lee's plate is plastic, same with the little container to put her syrup in so they're not touching unless she wants it to" donnie reminded, remembering the last time they put syrup on her waffles without asking her first and she cried, then refused to talk to any if them or eat anything for a whole day. This was a year ago.

None of them really wanted a repeat of that.

"yea i know dee. i may have a hard time remembering and keeping track of stuff but food is one thing i know, especially leo's" mikey said back, tone not harsh or offended but blank like he was trying to sound indifferent.

"yea i know mike, sorry. i dont think you're incapable or anything im just a little cautious when it comes to her" donnie apologised with a sigh, offering his little brother a warm smile.

"its okay, i know im not incapable. dont worry, raph reminds me of stuff like that every chance he gets. he's such a worry wart but a jerk at the same time" the two giggle at the thought, their red coloured brother being as mother hen and worried as lee when it came to her.

The conversation continues as they walk to the loungeroom with waffles, making sure to change the topic from their hotheaded brother to something else so they didnt get into trouble.

"here you go sunshine, waffle time!" mikey cheered gently, mindful of his volume while he was so close to the girl. She smiled happily as she sat up, ready to eat.

They all ate quietly and watched bluey, leo clearly being the only one actually fixated on the TV. She always enjoyed her brothers company and loved having them around all the time. Made her feel all safe and fuzzy.

All was going well until she was waving her hands side to side in rhythm with the intro, and accidentally spilled the leftover syrup into her lap.

Initially, she simply froze, trying to convince her little self that it wasnt happening. It was an accident! She didnt mean to.

It became a problem when she registered how absolutely filthy the sticky sensation on her lap was.

She immediately cried, flapping her hands and desperately trying to wipe the sticky liquid off of her legs. Which.... only resulted in more mess and stickier skin.

Lee was panicked and frantic, she HATED being sticky, she just wanted it gone. Gone gone gone GONE.

"hey hey, shh its alright. you're a bit of a sticky sunshine right now. i have some wipeys here, will you let me get the syrup off, hm?" Mikey tried to soothe, holding a wet washer that raph had raced to get as soon as he saw the substance spill.

The turtle tot shook her head repeatedly, holding her shaky hands and arms straight out while she tried to remain still for her big brother, wanting the icky feeling gone immediately but needing to give in to the overwhelming burning urge to move.

"there see, all gone! thank you for sitting still, you're such a good girl" mikey praised, throwing the wet cloth somewhere across the lair to deal with later, hoping to remember to pick it up and put it in the washing before big leo found it.

The little opened her eyes, pulling her arms back in and flapping her hands anxiously while her feet kicked back and forth.

She sniffled, but wasnt bothered to wipe her damp face while there were stray tears still falling. It was a feeling she was accustomed to by now, and besides, flappy hands were more important. If she wanted to wipe her face she'd have to stop flappy hands.

Mikey, who was not having his baby sister still sad and teary, suddenly had an idea.

"hey lu lu, you kinda smell all sticky sweet now. do you wanna have playtime with me in the bath today?" he asked excitedly, trying to get the younger on board with the idea. If she saw that mikey was happy, maybe it'd influence her? Thats kind of how he remembered it working when he was younger.

Lee would come to him while he was upset, and use her gentle upbeat excited tone that always made mikey feel better, because his big sister was happy. If his big sister was happy and understanding, well it cant be all bad can it?

All four of them loved the water, especially when they were tots. Mikey loved going swimming with the leader because she always looked so calm and happy while in there.

But right now she wasnt his big sister, she was his itty bitty precious baby sister. So a bath would have to do. No rivers today.

They usually didnt swim in the ocean, it gave everyone, but especially lee, bad memories.

If they ever found out she was swimming in the ocean, well then that was bad. Something was going on in lee's head that they werent aware of, something serious and worrying.

The girl didnt answer, still wound up from earlier. She made grabby hands towards mikey, who happily obliged and got up onto the couch, taking her into his arms and squeezing tight.

He started humming, rocking them side to side softly as he did so.

"La la lu, la la lu" he sang softly, slowly as she sniffled. Lady and the tramp was one of her favourite movies to watch when little, she loved the puppies. So mikey always sings her this song when shes sad or sleepy.

Thats what leo always did when mikey was younger and wanted a lullaby, la la lu.

"oh, my little star sweeper. thats you sunshine" he whispered the last bit in her ear, placing a peck on her cheek and making her giggle quietly.

"ill sweep the stardust for you" he finished, squeezing the younger tighter as she nuzzled her snout into him, churring happily.

"are you feeling better now that mimi sang the puppy song?" mikey asked sweetly, beaming when lee nodded her head. Her thumb rested in her mouth again, and mikey made a mental note to get her something she could chew on.

When they gave her saru, she often chewed on the ear of that, but she really shouldnt be.

Raph and donnie must have gone to run the bath, because they were nowhere to be seen.

"so sunshine, what'dayah say to bathtime?" the little chirped in agreement, excited for bathtime.

Mikey couldnt really carry leo in many ways that were comfortable for both of them, so he opted for giving her a piggy back ride.

When they got to the bathroom, donnie was waiting in there, hand in the running water while he placed a few baby bath toys on the edges of the tub.

Lee chirped and kicked her legs, she just wanted to get in the bath and play!

Both turtles chuckled at the girl, and mikey placed her down so she could stand holding onto his arm.

"all good to go hunny, i got your bathtime toys and your favourite towel is hanging up when you're done" he said sweetly, giving her a peck on the head and leaving.

Their bathroom wasnt that big, it was just a regular sized room. It had a bath and shower built into one, toilet, and then a sink and vanity.

Mikey helped lee into the bath and then grabbed her shell scrub brush and a wash cloth.

"im gonna wash while you play, mkay?" mikey said, recieving happy chirps in acknowledgement but not much else.

Lee was already occupied with the various bath play time things they had.

There were three rubber duckies, one was wearing a top hat, and another was a blue and white space man! The other one was just a boring yellow ducky, but it was still cute.

There were a couple old dolls that they couldnt remember the names of, unimportant and random. They got their own names made up. One was actually a mermaid, and the other was, what looked to once be a male doctor, perhaps?

There was a singular yellow cup, used for dunking and splashing, special missions where the doctor had to go underwater with the mermaid, but couldnt breathe with the little air pocket the cup made when put in the water a certain way.

And to drown him when the mermaid got angry at him. Mikeys pretty sure she saw the mermaid creating a giant wave and drowning the doctor at some point. The duckies helped.

Anything that wasnt a part of the play pretend at that point in time was lined up on the edge of the bath, usually in order of rainbow colours or how big they were. Smallest to biggest.

"mkay sunshine, you're all clean now. you can play for a little longer until the water goes cold" mikey anounces brightly, hanging the cloth and brush back up in their respective spots to dry.

Lee didnt even realise she had been playing for so long, too wound up in her make believe world. She definitely didnt mind though.

She held out two duckies to her brother, shaking them up and down indicating she wanted him to play. He immediately understood, taking the toys and splashing them in the water lightly as he let lee direct play time through her excited chirps.

Soon enough the water went cold, and bath play time was over. Mikey was happy to say thay the doctor was not viciously killed today.

By the time they got dry, lee was yawning and rubbing her eyes tiredly yet again. They had spent almost an hour in the bath, and everything in the bathroom was covered in water, which was common when little leo had a bath.

So mikey did the big brother thing to do, and took her to her bedroom. Leo had been up for maybe... six hours? And it was probably time for a nap since she was so young.

He reached under the leaders bed, pulling out a box with a few things in there specifically for when she regressed. There was a blue sippy cup with stars on it, a couple toys that she was allowed to chew on and a lavender pacifier. He picked up the pacifier, knowing she would want it at some point.

The younger whined at first, refusing to lay down and making grabby hands at her brother. She didnt want to be left alone, she wanted to stay with the orange turtle.

Mikey just smiled sweetly, sitting down on her bed and taking her into his arms so she was in a leaning laying down position as he held her.

Lee whined again, trying to push herself upwards. She didnt want to sleep, she wanted to play some more!

"shh shh, its okay lea. i think its time for a little sunshine sleep huh? so you can shine even brighter when you wake up" mikey cooed softly, rocking them back and forth.

Lee still tried to sit up, not being very successful but persistent nonetheless.

The older decided this called for la la lu, begining softly while he continued rocking.

"la la lu, la la lu" she immediately recognised it, mimi was singing the puppy song!

"oh, my little star sweeper" that was her, she was the star sweeper.

"I'll sweep the stardust for you" lee stopped whining, still insisting she sit up but now preoccupied with listening to her brother sing.

"la la lu, la la lu. little soft fluffy sleeper... here comes a pink cloud for you" mikey continued rocking side to side, feeling the little slowing stop fighting and relax into a laying down position. Sure they were both too big to rock lee's full body, but half of her rested on the bed and the other in her brothers arms, the soft rocking motion was always enough.

"la la lu, la la lu. little wandering angel" Lee let mikey place the pacifier in her mouth, snuggling closer into his plastron. Mikey just smiled down warmly at her.

"fold up your wings, close your eyes" she blinked heavily, but still refused to let her eyes closed.

"la la lu, la la lu, and may love be your keeper" but each time she blinked, her eyes took longer to open.

"la la lu, la la lu, la la lu" her ocean eyes fell shut for the last time, body fully relaxing as her breathing completely evened out.

"there now, little star sweeper. dream on"

Chapter Text

"shut UP LEO youre so overbearing, flaunting you leader status in our faces. its the most annoying thing" the words come out of raphs mouth before he could stop them, before he could remember who he was talking to, what he was saying.

"leo i-"

"its fine raphael, ill lay off" lee mumbled, pushing past her brother and contuining running. She was too tired to deal with this right now.

They were just out on a run, some extra training lea wanted them to do.

The leader was being her regular worrying and controlling self, making sure to nitpick at everything that the boys did that wasnt in her frighteningly specific plan.

The others had tried to be more understanding, knowing this wasnt just something they could get their sister to "work through" or whatever, but raph was in a bad mood and had issues with people trying to control him.

So for brief moment he snapped, forgetting that their sister doesnt try to control them she try to control the situation. That her extremely specific rules she sometimes unconciously followed couldnt be helped and they needed to be patient with her. That she only nitpicked because she was unnecessarily worried and afraid if she didnt they would all end up hurt, or worse.

They quickly caught up with the girl, trying to stop her.

"sis lets just go home now, we only just finished training and im tired AND cold" mikey whined dramatically, hoping his big sister would give in so they could all go home in the warm comfort of their lair, where it was safe.

Lee turned around, eyes only meeting their gazes for a few seconds before they were trained down.

"you guys go, im going to go on a quick run around the city" she had just made her brothers mad, again. She didnt understand why they had to be so- so difficult!

All she wanted to do was keep them safe and out of trouble. Sure when something changed and didnt match up with the plan she had unknowingly made in her head, her anxiety spiked ten fold and she freaked out a tiny bit- but this wasnt that!

If they werent going to be safe, or listen, or not even pretend to want to be out here, then they might as well go home.

Theres no point in lea trying to explain herself, they dont listen or understand. None of them will ever understand.

The only person that could probably come close to it would be mikey, but even he wouldnt ever fully get all of it, ADHD was still different from ASD. Sure they got along great, they complimented eachother well even though they were polar opposites.

They can try, sure they can. They can sit there and research and watch and listen and observe her like a lab rat, they can be gentle and caring like shes fragile-

Lea and mikey can sit there, up late at night because her anxiety induced insomnia was keeping her up and he had too much energy to sit still for more than a minute, talking and sharing correlating symptoms, experiences and thoughts. Ranting about their special interests and hyper fixations.

She hated that they both couldnt sleep, but honestly they were some of her favourite nights. Sharing things they both thought no one would ever understand, God, maybe they're both just AuDHD.

But they wont ever actually understand, never know how it all feels. There will always be little bits of leo no one will ever get even if she needs them to.

Shes the oldest, her childhood shaped her this way. None of them will ever really know how it felt to hide yourself your whole life, even though thats kind of what being a mutant comes with, not even mikey.

And that really, fucking sucks.

An outcast in a family of outcasts, who knew?

"but-"

"i said go home, thats an order" was that too mean? Shes the leader, meaning shes supposed to order them around like that sometimes, shes allowed to. And even if thats not what a leader was allowed to do, well a big sister sure can- cant she?

"leo thats stupid and you know it, you-"

"watch your tone donatello"

"since when do you know anything about tone" shit. Donnie didnt mean to say that.

"leo-"

"dont" she snapped.

He was right, she was just some stupid idiot who couldn't understand things people said. She gets it, shes only been chastised for it her whole life.

Argh! Why did they always have to do this- You know what, lea could sit here and be all self depreciating and say all of this was her fault and she should just go die or something but she couldnt being herself to.

This wasnt her fault, she didnt do anything wrong! And maybe shes annoyed them, but they didnt have to be such- such self-absorbed assholes?!

She barely asks anything of them! The one thing she wants is them to listen to her when it comes to training and missions because they're dangerous.

She picks up after them, tends to them, doesnt ever ask them for anything hard to give or out of their way- and thats IF she asks for anything to begin with.

Leo was angry, she just didnt understand how this was all her fault. She was angry at her brothers instead of herself for once, and as annoying as it was, it was a freeing sort of feeling.

Little by little, maybe healing does add up?

A silence fell over all of them, lee now staring at the ground with piercing ocean eyes. She stood strong and unmoving, refusing to meet their gaze. The three failed to notice the light shake in her arms.

She needed to run, the pressure of freezing cold wind as she stood still like this wasnt enough, she needed to be running. Or maybe she just needed to hit something, really, really hard.

The three soon realised lee wasnt going to back down on this.

"whatever" raph muttered, taking off. He ran slowly, waiting for his brothers to catch up to him.

"see you at home" donnie mumbled, running off to the red turtle. She told them to go home, what was he supposed to do? He didnt want to be out here anyways, and she clearly wasnt going to listen right now.

And he also definetly shouldn't have said what he said... he was just tired, it slipped out. She seemed angry.

Mikey stood waiting for a moment, fully aware that lee knew he was staring, even if she wasnt going to look up at him.

"they didnt mean it, theyre just big jerks" the youngest tried to reason, voice softer than his brothers had been.

Leo stood for a moment, her brain was flooding and she couldnt really think right now. She sighed quietly, shaking her head lightly. The anger towards her brothers didnt include michelangelo, he was innocent, didnt do a single thing but whine a little.

"go home with your brothers mikey" she said softly, just above a whisper.

"youll be home soon, yea?" mikey asked hopefully.

"please, go home" she repeated, turning her back to the orange turtle before running away, being lost in the rooftops.

Mikey watched her jump and disappear, turning and following after his brothers like she had asked him to.

Leo liked to run, she should be fine, he hoped.

When the youngest caught up to his brothers, they gave him a look as he practically ignored them, but didnt say anything.

"whats your problem" raph asked frustratedly.

Mikey knew his brother wasnt just feeling angry, he was feeling guitly. He could tell by his body language and tone.

"my problem? yous were being massive jerkwads!" the youngest exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at the two.

They both sputtered to defend themselves, but couldnt form any words in their defence.

"shes just so nitpicky! i cant deal with it all the time" raph tried to reason, hating the fact he was being lectured by his baby brother.

What was worse was that mikey was right.

"you did the leader thing again raphael, and you know how much she hates it- AND you called her annoying and overbearing! you know she cant help it, you should just be grateful she cares so much-" mikey paused, turning to the purple coloured turtle with the same disapproving frown he had given raph.

"and YOU, donatello, that was such a jerk thing to say. id expect that stuff from raph and casey or even sensei but not you dee, the heck was that?" mikey asked, anger simmering out into disappointment.

"i-i didnt mean to, it slipped out. she just doesnt listen to any of us" donnie mumbled in defence, wincing when his little brother started getting angry again.

"doesnt listen to us?? all she does is listen to us! have you ever realised that MAYBE she gets so upset over not being listened to on missions because its the only time you guys are, by like definitive rules or whatever, supposed to listen to her?" he watched their faces drop, rolling his eyes and throwing up his hands.

"righttttttt. and me and lee are the stupid ones" mikey mocked, walking away from the two and into the kitchen.

Donnie just looked at his big brother guiltily, making raph groan in frustration and follow the youngest into the kitchen, the purple coloured turtle right behind him.

"wait- mike, we're sorry" raph huffed out, watching donnie nod eagerly behind him.

"you guys arent stupid, you're right. we're sorry" the taller promised, sincere and apologetic.

Mikey just shook his head, sipping on an apple juice popper as he leaned against the kitchen bench.

"dont apologise to me dudes, im not the one mad or upset. yous didnt do nothing to me, if yous did it would be lee lecturing yous right now" he claimed, shrugging his shoulders.

"shes mad and upset?" donnie asked, hoping he misheard.

"oh yea man, she's pissed off. and i dont blame her"

-

Lee couldnt stop running- scratch that, sprinting. There wasnt anything to hit, and as much as she felt like destorying property right now, that probably would be a stupid idea.

And lea is not stupid.

God, why dont they listen to her?! Everytime they disobey orders it ends badly, or they get in trouble off of master splinter, or they get into trouble with villains!

Do they really just think everything that comes out of her mouth is just stupid bullshit? Because thats how they act.

Suddenly lee's knocked out of her thoughts by someone yelling and crashing into her, knocking them both to the ground.

"ugh... wha- casey? what the hell!?" she hissed, jumping to her feet and watching the boy on the ground.

"hey blue! whatre you doin out alone? pretty dangerous for a girl to be out so late at night" casey greeted teasingly, regaining his footing and skating around leo as she scowled at him.

He literally has not stopped pulling the "you're a little girl" card since she came out and he figured out hes older than them. Lea usually doesnt care, hes only joking about because he knows she can kick his ass faster than he can say goongala.

"im a mutant, this is the safest time for me to 'be out' " she replied sarcastically, voice flat and annoyed as she stood with her arms crossed.

Casey just shrugged, smirking at lea and putting his hands above his head casually, skating backwards as he continued to circle her.

"still, good thing the casey jones is here to protect you while your brothers arent around" he continued, and leo just groaned in frustration, why was casey so obnoxiously annoying? He was worse than mikey and his constant pointless whining when he knew he was wrong.

"i could beat all three of my brothers asses any day of the week, you do realise that dont you" she deadpanned, giving him a what the actual fuck look. The teenager had watched her do exactly what she claimed, multiple times.

She hadnt realised, but her anger was actually simmering down with casey being a doofus, somehow. The teenager was always refreshing to have around, until he became overwhelming. Then lee would just vacate the area to hang out with herself.

The vigilante could usually regulate himself when he realised he was overwhelming lea though, thats why she didnt mind spending time with him. Casey was a nutjob, but he was empathetic and compassionate nonetheless.

"damn girl, i forgot you, miss uptight role model, actually swore. its okay, big bro jones isnt a snitch- he also bets you couldnt take him on in a real fight" he mocks, doing his stupid little "ehah" laugh thing that he does, which always leaves the leader in blue between smacking casey and laughing at him. God hes such a loser.

Of course he thought she was uptight, thats all she'll ever be to all of them huh.

Uptight.

Well, maybe if they werent so wildly irresponsible- she wouldnt HAVE to be the 'uptight one'.

"i could kill you right now and no one would ever find your body" she claimed calmly, watching as casey did a double take and tripped over himself, making her consider snickering at him. She doesnt.

"you wouldnt dare, raphie would hate you for killing his beautiful loving handsome-"

"do you wanna bet your life on that jones?"

"okay i get it, dont get your bow in a twist. whats got you all wound up?" He asked, softening his tone into something kinder.

She just scowled, turning her head away from him while keeping her stance. He was probably still teasing her.

"what, are you not used to 'miss uptight' being wound up?" lee muttered blankly.

To casey, she sounded quite venomous, but he understood the girl just had a bitch tone, especially when secretly ticked off.

"im just joking blue, you're only a little uptight- but somethin's clearly bothering you, you're all pissed off and violent. so spill" the boy said, leaning backwards on his hands.

"im fine casey. besides, why would i sit here and confide in my brothers boyfriend" she muttered, suddenly kicking the head off of a metal chimney on the roof. Her anger was simmering, and it was just making her sad. She hated being sad, she just felt mopey and dumb.

Casey didnt even flinch at the random burst of violence, giving her a doubtful look and grinning.

"yea, because people destroy public property when theyre super fine. and im everyone's friend before im that hotheads boyfriend, ive known you all for like- forever" he said sarcastically, face dropping when the girl didnt lighten.

"foreal blue, whats goin on? you fight with raph again?" Lea was about to tell him nothing and run off, sick of this conversation she wanted no part in. But then casey gave her his stupid understanding grin and patted the ground next to him.

She sighed, sitting next to him, gaze focused on the city below them.

"raph and donnie" she muttered in response, too tired to offer much else.

"damn, double kill," casey responded casually. His response was open ended, giving lee room to respond however she wanted. She liked that about casey, she could say whatever she wanted and it wouldnt phase him.

Him and her brother were a good match, no matter how annoying they both were.

"they're just... being them. i needed a breather, they dont listen to anything i say and think im just stupid and nitpicky" she claimed as calmly as she could, not really used to being vulnerable with casey.

Sure, they were friends. Casey was in the lair all the time, and even roped lea into doing training sessions with him every now and then.

His fighting style was a mix of mikeys and raphs; he just wanted to fight, too impatient and energetic for meditation or kata's, but lacked balance and put too much force into his attacks instead of focusing on technique.

The vigilante studied the girl for a moment, before replying.

"rightttt they were totally just 'being them'. you're trying to defend them, but you know they were being assholes and you just arent used to the feeling of not blaming yourself for something. what'd they say?" leo had to do a double take, because where did THAT come from.

Casey was right of course, but that also doesnt explain how he knew all of that... nevermind. Hes raphs boyfriend, and one of donnie and mikeys bestfriends. They totally gossip about their big sister.

Casey's like lea's big brother she barely talks to, but when you need him hes there. Its a refreshing feeling.

So she explained what happened up until she ran into him, which really wasnt a long story, carefully leaving out how she felt during the whole ordeal.

"well yea, they're dicks. im sure they'll apologise when you go back. if they dont, im sure me, red and mikes can tie em upside down and dip them in sewage" he smirked, gap teeth showing.

Lea chuckled in response, smiling for the first time that night.

Suddenly casey stood up, confusing the blue turtle as she stayed sitting, watching him curiously.

"yo, i know a dope icecream shop down the road" the vigilante announced, skating in circles around the turtle.

She looked at him confusedly, ice cream? What'd that have anything to do with, well, anything? Like cool, thats great casey you know an icecream shop?

"uh... good for you?" she questioned, face looking judgemental which casey again didnt pay any mind to.

Casey just rolled his eyes playfully at the girls apparent confusion, skidding to a stop.

"you clearly dont want to talk, which is chill, so lets go get icecream instead. unless you wanna go back to your brothers" damn he knew her better than she thought, icecream wasnt something leo would say no to in a million years.

She jumped up and walked over to him, which was enough of an answer for casey to start skating in the direction of where this apparent ice cream store was.

"you know blue, your constant worrying gets frustrating sometimes, but its sweet you care about everyone so much" the vigilante hummed, smiling at her brightly.

Lea couldnt help but smile back, shaking her head fondly.

"yea, the overwhelmingly high empathy and stress comes with the autism and anxiety. super sweet" she said sarcastically, giggling when casey cackled.

They both walked in a comfortable silence, casey occasionally saying whatever random thought came to his head. It was usually violent and/or crude, but it made lee laugh everytime whether it was funny or not.

The blue turtle waited on the rooftop while casey was down at the shop waiting for their icecreams to be scooped.

He pulled out his phone, going to a groupchat he and the boys had without april and lea.

If you couldnt tell, mikey and casey were in charge of the names.

MENLY MAN NIAJAS

THEcaseyjones

- yo yall better have a good ass apolgoy
- stop being little bitches

michealtheangelOHSNAPBOY

- i second this
- JERKS

raphiesabigsoftie

- shut it we will
- case are you with her ?

THEcaseyjones

- yea man
- took me alllll night ti get her to smile
- gettin icecram

gaptoothsmartiepOOPANTS

- please for the love of God don't get into any fights

THEcaseyjones

- nah we wknt shes tirsd
- ill walk hrr home later dont stress dude

Casey then pocketed his phone, taking both his and lee's icecreams and heading for the alleyway.

"they didnt have any mint chip, so i got you malteser and salted caramel" he said, handing her the cup while he bit into his cone.

She cringed at him, saying thank you and scooping some of the icecream into her mouth with the tiny plastic spoon.

They made their way back up to the roof top, sitting on the edge and admiring the sky.

This was... nice. A good change.

Lea needed this, it was a better alternative to running till she passed out.

"the suns gonna start coming up soon, i should probably get down to the lair" leo mumbled, sighing quietly.

Casey smiled, patting her shell comfortingly.

"it'll be fine blue, just beat em up in training tomorrow" lea couldnt help but smile and giggle at such an unserious answer, knowing he did care.

He didnt sit there and try to convince her everything was okay, or defend her brothers. She didnt have to listen to some long speech about why she wasnt stupid because deep down she really knows she isnt but she cant help but think it.

Casey was just there, and that was fine. More than fine.

Maybe it was fine that people would never understand her, she is who she is and nothing can ever change that.

She might as well accept herself.

Chapter Text

It was one of the turtles free days, none of them having anything they needed to do. No scheduled training or patrols, definetly no missions.

But of course, leonardo being herself, hyperfixated with martial arts at all times, was in the dojo training.

She hadnt spoken to anyone today, non-verbal, but perfectly fine with responding to and communicating with her brothers with gestures and signs.

The only people in the lair were lea, casey and raph. April was at school, while casey was currently wagging, deciding he'd rather hang out with his boyfriend than spend his day at a shithole.

So the two were cuddled up on the couch in the pit, watching some crappy, extremely gorey midday horror movie that casey picked out.

Donnie was out in the sewers testing a few new inventions he had been working on, promising his big sister he would be extremely careful to not run into humans.

Mikey decided to tag along with the scientist, insisting he needed an assistant and swearing he wouldnt break or do anything he wasnt supposed to.

Splinter was... probably? In his room? He spent a lot of time in there, meditating. It was normal.

Lea had been training for a while, and even she was starting to get bored of the gentle exercise of tai chi.

She wanted to spar.

Lucky for her, the only turtle who ever wanted to spar with her was in the lair!

But he was occupied, and she really didnt want to interrupt their time together...

Its okay, she could show casey her perfected moves as well as raph!

Leo never realised how she craved validation from everyone, but when it came to physicality, well, raph was always the one she ran to. Which is why they often train together, working together to each better their fighting styles.

All three of the boys ran to lea for validation on pretty much anything.

She loved that she could share something so important to her with someone so close to her.

So, she left the dojo, scanning the lair until she saw the two boys she was looking for. She bounded over to the back of the couch, silently inspecting what they were watching.

Leo stood there for a few minutes, bouncing on her toes as she tried to figure out what the hell was going on in the movie her brothers were watching.

"alright, whats up? ya creep" raph asked suddenly, tone teasing as he looked behind him towards his sister.

The red clad turtle knew she was there from the start, deciding to wait and see if she would make her presence known. Then he came to the conclusion she got side-tracked.

Casey made a confused face, turning around and near jumping out of his seat.

"holy fuck blue, give a guy a heart attack why dont you" the vigilante said jokingly, smiling at her when she waved.

"you hungry?" raph asked. It was the most plausible thing she'd be asking for considering the girl was banned from actually cooking in the kitchen.

Lee shook her head, continuing to stare at her brother in anticipation.

She could have simply finger-spelled what she wanted, but her hands were balled into loose fists as they swung at her side while she bounced.

The red turtle noticed her soft movements up and down and rolled his eyes, making a disbelieved sound.

"you want me to come train with ya, don'cha" raph already knew the answer to the question even before lea nodded her head up and down eargerly.

The younger couldnt help but grin fondly at the way his twins face lit up the moment he understood what she was trying to communicate.

When he guessed correctly she smiled brightly, the same adorable nerd smile you cant ever wipe off her face when she rants about space heroes whole raph reads a comic. The same sweet dimples that always appeared when she came home after having a 'girls night' with april. The same way her saphire eyes squinted into little slits as her mouth curled up.

"you're lucky i fuckin love you, ya know that? c'mon case, if im not gettin my day off then neither are you" raph obliged, acting as if he was annoyed by the request.

The hothead was totally taking advantage of the fact leo couldnt lecture him on his language because she couldnt speak. Besides, when splinter was one thousand percent out of earshot, she was a little more lenient when it came to them swearing. They've heard some foul things come out of her mouth during post-failed-mission bursts of anger.

He chuckled when lea spun in a circle excitedly, smiling ear to ear as her hands flapped.

"aye babe, its a day off for me either way. id totally rather train with you guys than be at the shithole they call my school" casey claimed, grinning fondly and the siblings.

"alright, were ya wanting to show me something?" raph followed along behind lea as she quite literally bounced towards the dojo, nodding her head.

She wanted to demostrate her kicks, she had perfected more of them! She wasnt going to waste any time trying to explain them while she couldnt verbally, so she was just going to kick raphs ass instead.

Lea was beyond excited, she was expecting raph to say no when he figured out she wanted to train- but he didnt say no!

The three made their way to the dojo, both raph and leo taking their positions on the matt while casey took a seat to watch. He could see the violent glint in leo's eyes, and wasnt totally interested in getting his ass kicked today.

"alright. sparring with or without weapons?" raph asked, getting into a fighting stance.

Lee gave him a chance to stretch his muscles before they began, already being warmed up herself. She placed her swords to the side carefully; shes snapped way too many blades while fighting.

What raph thought would be a casual sparring sesson, turned into him getting his ass kicked while leo smiled brightly the entire time.

By the entire time, he means an hour and a half.

"WOOO go blue! bit slack their babe, might wanna get up" casey cheered from the sideline, cackling when raph gave him the middle finger while pinned to the ground.

"shut the fuck asshole, you try keeping up with her quick feet" the red turtle spat, no actual malice in his tone.

Lea let raph up, offering her hand and grinning ear to ear.

"yea yea you're such a dork, ya did real good. i couldnt keep up with ya and your form looked perfect as far as i could tell" he complimented, standing up and rolling his shoulders.

Lee watched him closely, smile faltering.

Was she too rough?

Her brother was stronger than her in terms of raw brute strength, but she was much faster on her feet. Her training was skill based compared to raph and his constant need to lift weights.

She'll never really understand, she wasnt a fan of weightlifting.

Raph cracked his neck, stretching out his arms and shoulders while lee stood idly.

"alright, im done for- why is your face like that?" the red turtle asked confusedly, noticing lea's expression had twisted into something guilty.

She looked down bringing her closed fist to her chest and rubbing slow smooth circles against her plastron.

Raph gave her a confused look, reaching for her hand and smacking it playfully away from her chest.

"what are you sorry for idiot? ya won fair and square" he asked confusedly, frowning. Lea was just having a good time, very excited, and now she was apologising.

She moved closer to him, pushing her hands close to his plastron and pointing her fingers together, not so they were touching, twisting them together.

Raph realised what she was saying and rolled his eyes, giving her a dubious look.

"ya didnt hurt me, ya just beat me cause ya didnt hold back. we're ninjas, im fine, dont be such a mother hen" the red turtle reassured, grinning when his sister nodded in understanding.

"WE'RE BAAAA-AAAAACK" they heard from a distance, making raph groan and casey smirk.

Lea immediately perked up at her little brothers voice, leaving the dojo to go see them. Raph followed behind grumpily, mad his quiet time with casey was over. The vigilante dragged him along happily enough, not minding that his bestfriends had returned. The two quickly snuck past to raphs room.

The moment donnie saw lee approaching, his eyes sparkled as she came closer.

"neesan, look, it actually worked, and didnt blow up or electro-fry itself! still in one piece" donnie beamed proudly, showing off his little trolley with his inventions on it.

Lea wasnt entirely sure what it was, her brother hadnt really explained it. She inspected it nonetheless, seeing it looked to be in tip top shape.

She smiled her trademarked big sister smile, her way of saying good job as she gave her little brother a thumbs up.

"thanks lee" the scientist said happily, walking off into his lab to take put his tech out of the way.

Lea suddenly got a cold shiver, shaking lightly under the cool air of the lair.

She could really go for a hot drink.

But she wasnt in the mood for tea, it was lunch time and she never drank tea at lunch time. However, she wasnt hungry either.

What could she... oh! Hot chocolate! Mikey makes the best hot chocolate shes ever tasted.

So she stood idly, watching her youngest brother whilr her fingers wiggled at her sides.

"leo! i had so much fun with don today, and he said i was actually helpful, can you believe it?" mikey rambled, smiling and bouncing up and down excitedly.

Lee nodded in approval, smiling and staring fondly.

"you're all watchy waity... do you want somethin?" mikey asked after examining his sister, pulling a childish thinking face he copied from leo when they were younger and never grew out of.

She nodded her head again silently, continuing to wait.

The girl could just go make the hot chocolate herself, but she wanted mikeys hot chocolate. Sure she could possibly ask raph to make it, he is the one who initially devised the perfect hot chocolate formula - the red clad turtle had a bit of a sweet tooth when it came to chocolate - but he had run off with his dumb boyfriend somewhere. Lea didnt want to disturb more of their time together.

"you hungry?" he asked, being completely supportive of the no leo in the kitchen cooking rule. Shes broken the toaster and microwave way too many times, they only trusted her in the kitchen occasionally for things that can be made on the stove. Somehow she never managed to get that wrong, and when she wasnt blowing something up, she was a surprisingly good cook.

When she shook her head no, he continued.

"thirsty then?" she nodded in reply.

"well you wouldnt be asking me for tea... a smoothie?" he asked, becoming more confused when she shook her head no once again.

"sis i love you but if you think im a mind reader you're insane and we need to get donnie to check your head" mikey joked playfully, waiting for lee to offer anything that would tell him what she wanted.

The girl brought a hand up to her mouth, fanning lightly to communicate something hot. Their Tsl wasnt always too reliable when it came to constant every day conversations, considering they only had three fingers. So there were no gestures for typical things like chocolate.

Mikey seemed to understand well enough, eyes brightening in realisation.

"hot chocolate?" she nodded eagerly, fists shaking lightly side to side as she followed mikey to the kitchen.

Leo sat silently while mikey prepared the hot drink, listening to him talk about his outing with his brother. He wasnt bothered by the fact she wouldnt respond, just happy that he could be there and talk to her.

"heyy leeee??" the younger asked in a sing-song voice, handing the girl her hot chocolate.

Lea raised a non-existent brow, recognising that mikeys sing-song tone was often used when he wanted something.

"soooo i just got new sticker packets, and i got a duplicate of one... can i pretty pretty please put stickers on you? i pinky promise you'll look super pretty and not at all stupid!" mikey practically begged, putting his hands together in a prayer and using his strongest puppy eyes.

The older rolled her eyes, she didnt mind when mikey wanted to decorate her with stickers and gems, she just disliked the sound of the paper peeling and the sticky stuff sticking.

She nodded her head, standing up and following mikey to his room. She placed her hot chocolate down on his bedside table before making her way to her room to grab her headphones, immediately putting them on her head.

The lair was no longer quiet. Donnie had gone back tk tinkering in his lab, mikey wanted to sticker-ify his big sister, and raph and case could be heard playing video games in the red turtles bedroom.

The loudness wasnt unwelcome, it was just... a lot, at times.

When she made her way back to mikeys bedroom, the younger had a lot of sticker books spread out at the ready.

Where did he even get them? Leo had only gotten him a few, not this many.

"oo you're back! okay sit on the bed with your hot chocolate while i work my magic!" Mikey ordered playfully, watching as lee did as she was told.

She sat quietly, letting the orange turtle coved her shell and green skin in bright colourful stickers as she sipped her hot chocolate.

It was a perfect way to spend their free day.

Chapter Text

Everyone was on edge after tonight.

They werent even supposed to fight- it was just supposed to be a chill steak out, which is why they had their boards.

Or... did, have their boards.

Donnie and mikey got out mostly unscathed, a few bruises littering their green skin. Nothing that couldnt be fixed with ice and a pain pill from leo. Shes just surprised neither of them suffered a concussion.

Raph only had a nasty gash on his left side, which wasnt overly worrying considering it wasnt too big. It did end up needing stitches though, and luckily lea was already on top of their injuries before they even entered the lair.

Before any of the three could even think of checking on their big sister, she was called to the dojo by master splinter.

Lee walked away, supressing her limp and walking calmly towards the room.

Her knee's had been kicked in, dislocating her left and making her have to pop it back in, during the middle of the fight. Shes pretty sure she had a concussion as well, which was making it just the tiniest bit difficult to walk around and focus through the unforgiving pounding on her skull.

How did she stitch up her brother with a possibly severe concussion?

Its leonardo.

There was blood somewhere on her legs, but it wasnt too visible and shes not entirely sure where its coming from, probably just a few measly scrapes like when you skin your knee on the concrete.

"kneal leonardo" her father ordered, voice unwavering and scarily calm.

Lea could never read his tone, and it terrified her constantly.

She shakily knealed, closing her eyes and trying to stop the insistent spinning in her brain. There were white sparkles dancing around in her vision.

"what happened" he asked simply. It wasnt... asked, like a question, he sounded mad.

Everyone sounded so mad.

So... mad, at leo.

"we... we were patrolling, it was supposed to be extremely low profile and i made the decision that we wouldnt engage in a fight unless absolutely necessary, which is why the others insisted we brought our boards. i had planned for a stakeout, shredder had recently took control over new warehouses after we had successfully destroyed the others, and i realised we needed to know what was going on. michelangelo and donatello had gotten a little impatient, which was my fault- we had been there for a while and i cant expect them to sit there for so long. they were skating and trying to beat eachother in tricks or something, and raphael had gone for another angle on the warehouse because he was also bored." lee took a breath, trying to keep the voice from shaking. She spoke slowly, barely able to get the words out.

She says 'the voice' because shes convinced its not hers. It doesnt sound like her, but it comes from her.

From somewhere deep, dark.

"i turned my back to michelangelo and donatello for a moment to locate raphael, but when i did, rahzar had appeared and thrown them both across the street. then tigerclaw and fishface showed up, which is how raphael had suffered the cut on his side. i made the decision to retreat, seeing as we had been taken by surprise and they were hurt" she finished, eyes trained to the floor. She didnt really remember what had happened to her, but she supposed it wasnt too important.

"i suppose this will teach you to pay closer attention to your surroundings leonardo, i am dissapointed. how are your brothers injuries?" splinter asked, easily brushing over a comment that made lea's heart sink to her stomach

"they're on the mend. michelangelo and donatello are bruised, but ive provided them with ice and medication, and i stitched up raphaels side, which wasnt too large of a cut, and also gave him pain medication. i should have paid closer attention to all of them as well as my surroundings, i am at complete fault for our failure and for getting my brothers hurt. i am sorry for disappointing you, i will do better sensei. please, forgive me" her forehead was pressed to the floor.

She had disappointed her sensei, and now she needed to atone. She needed to fix it, get even- something to punish herself for her stupidity and for getting her brothers hurt and-

"rise, my son. i know you are sorry, i appreciate you taking responsibility. you will do better, i am sure of it. otherwise your next punishment will be more severe. i want you in here tomorrow morning to complete four hours of chen tai chi before breakfast" that seemed like a fitting punishment in her eyes, quite lenient actually considering all that she had done tonight.

She'll continue to ignore the use of 'son'. One day hopefully she'll tell her father.

Her knee might pop out of place again tomorrow morning, but it should be fine. The trauma her legs had been through were much more severe compared to a mere dislocation.

The girls legs were currently wailing, the searing pain from currently knealing was something she could only ignore enough so it didnt show on her face.

Its not like she didnt deserve it, four hours of chen tai chi was such a light punishment.

Its fine, everythings fine - she told herself as she felt her breath and heart rate quicken.

Stupid anxiety.

"hai sensei" lea obeyed, tone flat and calm, unwavering. She rose, still not meeting her fathers eyes.

Splinter watched her silently, studying her. He noticed the faint smell of blood and the shake in his sons left leg specifically.

"are you hurt leonardo?" he asked carefully, worriedly, unable to miss the way the turtle flinched at the question.

"just some bruises and dried blood sensei, im perfectly fine" the girl assured, not wavering in her answer.

Splinter waited a moment before nodding, telling leonardo she was dismissed until her now scheduled morning training.

"donnie wants to check on you, insists he saw you limping" raph called out quietly, leaning on the wall just outside the purple turtles lab.

Lea would have replied, wanted to reply and say she was perfectly fine. But there was a bile brewing in her stomach and up through her chest that she just knew was coming up. Her head was spinning and she could barely even remember what her brother had said.

She ran, or quickly hobbled, to the sewer water entrance near the front of the lair, falling onto her already burning knees and vomiting into the murky water.

She couldnt be sure if the tears that poured from her eyes were because of the physical action of vomiting, or for the simple fact that everytime her airways clogged for a little to long it absolutely terrified her.

"hey, youre fine. just breathe" raph offered as comfort, patting the girls shell gently as she puked her guts up.

"whats- leo? hello? whats happening" donnie ran over upon hearing the heaving.

"shes clearly blowin chunks. i thought you were supposed to be smart" raph informed unhelpfully, not missing the chance to be an asshole as per usual.

"oh go take it up the ass raph, i meant WHY is she being sick" donnie asked sarcastically rolling his eyes.

"oh i dont know shellbrain, havent had the chance to ask her yet" the red turtle hissed.

Lee stopped heaving, her stomach being empty and the sick feeling subsiding for now.

Both her brothers were mad. She had fix it somehow, how was she supposed to-

She put her forehead on the cool ground, hoping desperately that it would help her spinning head. She choked out a sob as she breathed heavily, unable to calm herself as of yet.

"woah- woah, lee, hey? are you in pain anywhere?" lea just continued to sob quietly, curling in on herself and ignoring her brothers for the moment.

She can get up, she'll be okay. She just needs a minute. Thats all, shes perfectly fine.

She breathed in and out deeply, slowly as she forced the tears to stop flowing down her face. Her hands made their way to her face, wiping the dampness from her skin before she sat up.

"are you in any pain leo" donnie repeated concernedly, furrowing his brows when she shook her head, eyes unfocusing as bright white sparkles appeared all over her brothers face.

"wheres mikey, is he okay?" she asked almost instantly, the orange turtle being the only one of her brothers not currently with her.

"hes perfectly fine, you checked him over yourself you idiot, hes asleep. bit bummed out 'bout our boards but he'll live" raph informed, rolling his eyes. Of course thats the first thing she asks.

"our boards?" lea mumbled in question, squeezing her eyes shut tight and holding in a wince at the sick feeling she couldnt quite get rid of.

"uh... yea. our boards got wrecked remember?" the red turtle asked slowly, in an almost insulting way that leo didnt pay any attention to. Why didnt she remember? It only happened just over an hour ago.

"do you not remember? be honest" donnie asked carefully, a certain sternness growing in his voice.

"no i... i just feel a little spinny... im fine..." she trailed off quietly, eyes reopened as she focused on nowhere in particular while she attempted to ignore the throbbing of her knee and the aggrivating sting of her scraped up legs.

Donnie thought for a moment, a spinny feeling? Vomiting? Hazy memory?

"follow my finger without moving your head" the scientist instructed suddenly, holding one finger infront of lee's face.

Her eyes followed the green finger, but her gaze was unsteady and rough, blinking to clear her vision regularly and losing track of where she was looking.

He then pulled out a mini torch from... somewhere, and shon it in the girls ocean eyes.

"oh you totally have a concussion, i knew it was a good idea to check you over" donnie muttered to himself, going over symptoms in his head.

"im fine donnie" lea stated, standing up and wobbling slightly but holding her ground.

Until she tried to walk, forgetting about her knee and near collapsing.

"jesus fuck fearless" raph cursed, catching his sister without hesitation and holding onto her until she got back on her feet.

"leonardo, explain to me why you spent an hour treating us three and didnt even think to let us know that your shins are littered in scrapes filled with dirt, you dislocated your knee during the fight and you had a concussion? dont you dare tell me you didnt know. you're you, i know you knew" donnie hissed angrily, worried and frustrated that lee had yet again put herself last.

"how the hell did you give me stitches with a concussion?" raph muttered confusedly, moreso to himself.

Leo pushed away from her brothers, walking steadily in the direction of her room.

"where do you think you're going?! come back here so i can treat your god damn injuries!" lee ignored her angry younger brother, continuing to make her way to her bedroom.

They met behind her as she opened her door, slinking into her room as she stared at them.

"lee you have a concussion, you need to be monitored-" lee shut the door softly, hearing the little click of the handle repositioning back into place as the door shut fully. She slid down the the wooden door, shell pressed against it as she listened to her brothers outside the room.

"leo i swear to-" she heard an angry voice, or two angry voices should she say.

There were a couple of jiggles of the door handle, and quite a few threats that harboured very colourful language. They mentioned how her knees already had lasting trauma and she shouldnt be ignoring it like this, hissed about how she needs to let them in so she doesnt hurt herself more, all while lea had her hands wrapped over her tympana desperately.

After they realised she wasnt budging, they retreated, thinking about how they probably shouldnt be screaming at her at this time.

What more could they do? Bust down the door? Bad idea.

She made her brothers even more mad.

Last time they checked the time it was four in the morning, and her brothers would probably get up around twelve. Which means she has to... get up at seven? She thinks, which is only a couple hours away.

Her head was spinning, literally spinning. It felt like she was on a rollercoaster.

Closing her eyes helped, but the poor fearless leader couldnt shake the soul dropping feeling that she deserved that disgusting feeling that made her want to vomit.

Her knee throbbed painfully, and she considered using her 'healing hands' as mikey liked to call them.

Its a punishment.

She messed up, failed miserably, got her brothers hurt and put them in danger because of her own stupid incapabilities.

Balance. Its the law of nature, the world. There must always be balance.

The blue turtle coming out unscathed wouldnt be right.

Leo couldnt help but enjoy the searing pain while it was there.

It made her skin itchy, her wrists and thighs. She clawed and scratched and created angry red scrapes that raised but didnt bleed all over her.

It wasnt enough.

She picked off all the scabs and dried blood off her legs, now there were just more angry red lines that were once bleeding, past the point now.

But the stinging sensation wasnt enough for her, lea needed to see it.

Sure, her skin was flaming and irritated, but this was supposed to be a punishment. She was supposed to-

Her T-phone beeped. Its 7am.

That thought would have to wait...

hopefully, she could atone for her mistakes.

Maybe this would make it even.

She heaved her way to the dojo, a limp here and there as she walked through the sparkles that still danced in her vision. She had seen enough sparkles to be able to walk perfectly fine and ignore the pressure in her head.

Splinter wasnt in the dojo, it was only leonardo. The rat man trusted the girl enough for her to not disobey him.

She knew that she deserved it.

Maybe it wasn splinters intention, logically she knows that. Shes aware that if he knew she was 'seriously hurt' he wouldnt have ordered for this to be done this morning. She knows that it wasnt how he meant it, he didnt mean this to be some life-defying moment.

It was a mere teaching moment, a lesson. It really wasnt that serious.

But lee's mind rebelled against all that logic in favour for the fact that she fucked up and deserved any and all pain she could possibly inflict on herself.

She hadnt earned the right to sit there and rest, which is why she hadnt stopped her training to retrieve when she felt like she was going go collapse.

The four hours wasnt over yet.

Leo's brothers hadnt emerged yet, which was a good thing. If they saw her in here while they knew she had a concussion and an unhealed dislocation they wouldnt be happy.

She doesnt understand why THEY dont understand, this is how its supposed to be. It was her fault, she acknowledges that. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, and mistakes have consequences as always.

This was just her consequence.

Four hours was over, and she would do more but sensei said four hours specifically. She could just add on extra training another day.

She hobbled out of the dojo, still not running into master splinter as of yet, and went back to her room.

Lea's room was quite beautiful, like the night. She loved her room.

It was painted a beautiful midnight blue, her drawings and sketches stuck up all around the walls. She had stacks of old novels, comics, sketchbooks and journals galore.

There was a small desk with tubs and draws that held her dearly loved art supplies.

She was told by donnie at the farmhouse, that if a 'bad thought' ever clouded her mind, to just do something she liked. To paint or draw it out, even take some old crayons and just scribble until they snap. To write pages upon pages then rip them up into little pieces. To seek out her brothers and hand out with them, either relaxing in the lair or going for a run in the cool night.

Cutting her wrists with one of the small knives she uses to cut paper was something hamato donatello would categorise into the bad thoughts section.

Leo knew that, but... it wasnt that bad. It was okay.

The first slice didnt bleed, which tells her she needs to press harder on her scales. So, she does. It bleeds slowly, rich red blood poking through in little bubbles instead of just bleeding.

Apparently their blood was different to humans, it was thinner, a deeper red. If they bled too much or cut too deep there would be green seeping through.

More bleeding, more slicing. Random spots on her arms that seemed impulsive but were undeniably controlled, atleast according to lea.

At some point it was enough, the sting she barely cared about sat like a spider in the corner of a room. Quiet and unnoticed, unbothering to anyone, but once you realised it was there you werent going to forget it.

"oi fearless? donnie told me to come get ya" suddenly she was all too aware of what she had done.

There wasnt an aware bone in her body that even whispered regret. But she wasnt stupid, she knew how cutting herself looked.

It wasnt good.

"im coming in" and she couldnt do a single thing about it, couldnt yell in protest because that would make him come in faster. She wasnt even near her bedroom door.

So when raphael entered, all the girl could do was wrapped her bleeding arms in themselves against her plastron while her knees were raised, sitting on the floor with her shell to her bed.

"leo? whats goin o- why can i smell blood?" raph started studying the girl desperatly.

She didnt look like she was actively bleeding out from anywhere, but there was a glint on her plastron and...

"what did you do?" he hissed, hurrying over to the girl and pulling her arms away from her plastron.

"what the fuck. what the fuck" lee couldnt help but look down, not even able to look at her brother. Her bottom lip trembled as she desperately tried to pull together some form of explanation.

"you didnt have these last night. why did you do that, what happened?" His voice was husky and quick, but so painfully desperate and confused and worried-

"raph? whats going..." she snapped her head up to meet the bright blue eyes of her youngest brother.

His eyes immediately flickered to her arms and panicked, running out of the room yelling for donnie.

Now this is exactly what leo didnt want, she didnt want all of her brothers here. She didnt want them knowing, let alone seeing what she'd done-

"what do you mean she- oh." both had raced back into the room, donnie staring when he saw her.

Lee kept her head down, ripping her arms out of raphs grip and pulling them back closer to her already bloodied plastron.

"leo i swear to fucking god-"

"raph cool it, just..." donnie sighed frustratedly, stressed and scared because why the fuck would she do this?

But he needed to be calm. Raph was angry, he was struggling to express his fear and confusion in any other way which is fine but he needed to back off before-

Distressed clicks came from leo, face scrunched up into something pouty and upset.

Mikey was standing at the door frozen, scared and confused because he also didnt understand why his big sister would do this. But he kept his distance, he didnt know how to help and didnt want to get in the way.

As donnie moved to lea's side raph moved backwards, keeping himself quiet.

"leo, let me see. please" donnie said calmly, slowly pulling on her hands.

Lee shot a pleading look towards raph, wincing at his harsh stare and gesturing towards mikey. The elder knew what she meant and growled angrily.

"cmon mike, lets go make breakfast" they heard raph mutter, dragging the upset youngest out of the room.

Donnie took her arms into his hands, examining them carefully. He tried to keep his face neutral, but all he wanted to do was scream and squeeze leo so tight she couldnt breathe.

"they're shallow enough to heal on their own, just come to my lab so i can clean them up and look at your knee as well" Donnie informed, same quiet and patient voice as before. He stood up, eyes never leaving his sister.

Lee turned herself away, she didnt deserve 'help'.

"neesan, please. dont be stubborn" donnie pleaded, pulling the baby brother card that he knew she could never resist.

She bit the inside of her lip anxiously, nodding her head and standing up slowly. She winced as soon as she put pressure on her left leg, breathing in harshly.

Why did everything hurt so fucking much all the sudden?

"here, lean on me" donnie offered immediatly, wrapping his arm around lea's shell and carefully holding her side under her arms.

"ill get blood on you" she whispered unhelpfully, not making any tired effort to move away.

"all three of us got blood on you last night when you treated us. shut up before i carry you to my lab" donnie said while practically dragging her down the halls.

"i just trained, i can walk fine" she whispered stubbornly under her breath, not meaning for her brother to hear her.

Donnie sat her on a gurney and stared at her.

"you just... what?" he asked, and to no ones surprise, not recieving a response.

He patched her up silently, cleaning the blood off himself so he didnt continue to dirty her as he wiped her scales.

She didnt wince or whine when he cleaned her scrapes and cuts, even when he accidentally pressed a little too hard.

"im done lea, can you look at me?" donnie asked, crouching down so he was at eye-level. She couldnt being herself to meet his warm gaze.

The genius sighed, taking a seat next to the girl and reaching for her hand, holding it gently.

"i need you to talk to me please. i want to understand" donnie urged softly, tone nothing less than sincere and loving.

"raphs mad at me, isnt he" she mumbled, posing the statement as a question.

"yea lee he is. someone hurt his sister, and that's all hes thinking about right now. someone hurt his sweet lovable big sister and he cant fathom in his brain any reason why" donnie explained smoothly.

"and i made mikey upset" she continued, and the taller let her because atleast she was talking to him.

"its a similar thing. someone hurt his big sister. his safety blanket that chases all the monsters away got hurt and hes scared she might leave him all alone because he cant imagine living without her" donnie hoped she was listening to him, prayed that the next thing she said would give him some explanation.

Leo's mind flashed back to when they were at the farmhouse, and she did something similar to this.

Only, she was having a bath...

and the blood ran thinner than water.

After a moment of silence, he decided that he would continue. Because donatello would be dammed before he got some form of explanation.

"and i feel the same way as they do. im scared that my big sister might leave, im angry someone hurt her and she didnt tell us, im upset that shes hurting so much and im desperate and confused because she wont let me understand" she listened quietly, feeling her throat grow sore and close up.

"i wasnt trying to leave, i promise" she whispered wetly, sniffing as her nose began to grow wet and runny.

Lee felt her heart ache when he didnt respond, when he only looked down as he rubbed slow circles into her hand while their fingers interlocked.

"i was just getting even. i wasnt trying to leave donnie. please" she pleaded quietly, voice croaking as she spoke. Just understand what shes saying- she would never leave them unless it was best for them.

"i believe you. what were you getting even with?"

"i was atoning" she quickly responded, not wanting it to sound like a game. She wasnt trying to compete with anything or disrupt balance, she was trying to fix it.

"atoning for what?" donnie asked patiently. He didnt pay any mind to her sharp tone, he just wanted answers.

"for failure. i deserved it, it was a punishment. i had to restore the balance after failing" she explained, not meaning to sound insanely vague, it was just the truth.

Donnie sat for a moment, gears turning and thoughts buzzing as he pieced it together.

"so you're saying its your fault the mission failed and we got hurt, so you had to make up for that by hurting yourself? by, in some illogical way, being even, so balance could be restored?" he asked carefully, speaking slowly and clearly as if speaking to someone who couldnt understand the the concept of what she was saying.

Lea nodded her head insistently, he understood! He understood why she had to do it, why she deserved it, why she-

"leonardo, that mission failure was not your fault. and, if anything, you treating us after the fact was you atoning for your apparent failure. you dont deserve any pain and you dont have to restore balance by self harming" he explained adamantly.

"but-"

"lee you're a teenage girl fighting against murderous adults ten times stronger than you while you're consistently trying to keep your three teenage brothers out of trouble. you're not a superhero and you dont deserve pain because you think you made a mistake" donnie unravelled, astounded at her sisters constant self-blame.

"bu-but i was in trouble off sensei and everyone was mad and i-i just needed to fix it-" she finally fell apart, tears rushing down her cheeks as she heaved desperatly.

Donnie instantly pulled her close, letting her sob into his shoulder.

"you're not in trouble, nobodies mad. you're okay" donnie soothed gently.

"you have to remember that sometimes days wont go just as you hope, it doesnt mean you need to do something to balance it out- especially not hurt yourself. we love you so much, and if you come to us when you feel this way, then we can figure it out together in a way that no one gets hurt." donnie continued softly, smiling sadly when he felt lee nod.

She pulled back, not too comfortable with the current position, she hastily wiped her sticky wet eyes. She sniffed harshly, nose clogged as she had to breathe quietly through her mouth as her ocean eyes rested half-lidded.

"did you sleep last night?" she shook her head no, shinking slightly at the look he gave her.

"and then you trained for hours im guessing" she nodded her head, even though she was confident her genius brother already knew the answer.

"well you're not leaving my sight until im convinced your concussions gone, and youre not training again until your leg heals. so you better ger comfy" donnie claimed lightly, teeth showing as he smiled.

She nodded.

Leo understood everything her brother just said, it was logical. It made sense. Everything donnie said shared those characteristics.

But she couldnt shake the nagging feeling plaguing her brain when anything screamed unbalanced. She couldnt feel guilty for the thoughts in her head that told her she did a good job atoning and being even.

She wasnt complaining about the pain or dark thoughts. Some part of her found comfort and familiarity in them.

Some part of her was scared of it, she knew her brothers would be. So thats why she chose to pretend to accept.

She had no idea how to tell them that balance must always exist and she doesnt know how to live without it.

This wasnt the first time this happened, it was just one of the very, very few times she was caught.

She clearly wont be so stupid next time.

Chapter Text

"father? may i speak with you, if im not intruding" lee asked softly, standing politely in the doorway. Her hands were held by her side, balled into fists while her ocean eyes looked towards the floor, head bowed while back straight. 

Signs of respect, hoping her father would offer back the same attitude. 

She didnt see, but when splinter looked up and saw his son, gaze softening. 

"of course my son, you could never intrude" he said simply, smiling and patting the ground infront of him. 

Lea took a deep breath and walked into the room, glancing back outside to her brothers before closing the door, walking and sitting next to her father. They sat in silence for a moment, no one saying a word before splinter spoke again. 

"leonardo, you can tell me anything that crosses your mind. please speak when you are ready" splinter guided calmly, waiting patiently. 

"did you want sons or daughters?" leo blurted out suddenly, blushing in embarrassment immediatly. She was unable to help herself- shes not procrastinating because shes scared! Its just because... she is... yea, thats why. Splinter stroked his whiskers thoughtfully, no judgement as far as lee could tell. 

"hm, that was not the question i was expecting, ill give you that. you four boys, always surprising me," her father begun thoughtfully, "i never really thought about it as a young man, but i never wanted any gender specifically, i just longed for my own children. boy or girl" he said honestly, gazing down at the young turtle, noticing what seemed to be an inner dilema. 

"what is this about, may i ask" 

"i just... how would you feel if... if you had three sons instead of four..." lee trailed off quietly, gnawing at her lip nervously. 

She had to tell him, she had been hiding it from her father for far too long. Her sweet heart felt beyond guilty no matter how much her brothers told her she shouldnt, that she didnt have a single reason to feel any guilt-- but she did. 

Splinter held a confused face for a moment, before his eyes flickered up towards lee's mask tails, tied into an elegant butterfly bow with a few sparkly gems temporarily stuck to the fabric courtesy of mikey. 

There were specific colours, a beautiful ruby red for raphael, a royal purple for donatello, a bright vibrant orange for michelangelo, a soft yet sparkly yellow for april, a pure white for casey, and an almost pitch black dazzling black for karai. There was also the hamato symbol, right in the centre for everyone to see.

Her eyes glossed over when she met his gaze, seeing the look of understanding on his face and immediatly turning away in shame. 

"im sorry if ive brought shame to our clan, father I-"

"oh, my gentle child" splinter softly interrupted, eyes gentle and non-judgemental. "is this son turned daughter you speak of, you?" he continued, watching as her tears overflowed and streamed silently down her face. 

She nodded her head, not trusting her to not come out croaky and wobbly, in a tone that would not be appropriate if splinter was mad. 

"come here, my daughter" lee's head snapped to her father, ocean eyes wide and teary as they scanned his face, only being met with a warm smile and open arms.

She dove into his embrace, being held close immediatly as she audibly sobbed, heaving as quietly as she could while clutching the rat man tightly. 

"i-- i--" she struggled out, trying to form words through her tears but couldnt. 

"you need not explain anything right now musume, my sweet blue, i love you very much" splinter promised warmly, simply holding his daughter close in his embrace. 

Lee's tears didnt stop for long, she had been holding this in far too long. She was now overwhelmed with the previous anxiety, but felt the heaviest weight she had ever experienced off of her chest.

Her father loved her. Her

father 

loved 

HER, 

and that was all she wanted.

Chapter Text

"lu lu! where are youuuuu?" mikey called out across the lair, running from his room down the hall and checking each room as he went.

"KITCHEN!" He heard from across the lair, paling slightly at the thought of his sister in the kitchen unsupervised but nonetheless beamed at the reveal. Although, it wasnt her voice, it was raphs voice, so hopefully he was there with her.

The orange turtle skipped through the lair, holding a gift bag as he made his way to the kitchen. He was so excited to see lea, he had something special for her and was super happy donnie had helped him with it. The older complained that he was a scientist, an engineer if anything, not a god damn toy maker. But, alas, as soon as mikey begged and pleaded that it was for leo, the taller agreed. The only ones in the family who could sew were lee and april, so obviously mikey went to his oldest sister for help, which is why she was currently trailing after him. She was almost as excited to see the blue turtles reaction.

As the two orange coded teens entered the kitchen, they were met with leo sipping a cup of milk through a straw whilst sitting at the kitchen table, legs crossed while seated comfortably. Raph was leaning against the stove, watching amusedly as both his orange coloured siblings entered.

"lu lu!" mikey beamed excitedly, hiding the gift bag behind his back.

Lea couldnt help but smile widely at the nickname. It was something she only heard when she was little, but sometimes mikey got a little bit of baby fever and went into a caregiver mood. She always ended up slipping, it was just hard not to. She was never ever treated like someone younger! Especially when she might have already felt-- and dont tell anyone! but she was already feeling a little... little, today.

"mikey!" she responded, mirroring mikeys voice and giggling quietly at his enthusiasm.

"we have a present for youuuu" mikey sung, bouncing with anticipation as he handed april the gift bag. Lea immediately grew excited, eyes wide with curiosity. Her smile broadened when she saw aprils bright smile, both girls having cute little dimples.

Raph watched from the side, grinning softly at his siblings. Lee had been close to slipping all day, he could just tell by her mannerisms and verbal communication even if she hadnt said anything. So the red turtle had stayed by her side in case she did slip into little space, just in case she regressed to a young age and needed supervision.

"a present?" she asked, big ocean blue eyes scanning his siblings for any sign this was a joke.

Both april and mikey nodded their heads eagerly, grinning because they both knew as soon as the girl saw her present she was going to slip, no doubt in their mind.

"donnie helped too, but hes busy in his lab" april explained the absence of their brother quickly. She handed lea the gift bag on mikeys signal, watching closely with anticipation as she opened her present.

The younger gasped, all three of them watching as lee's eyes grew softer, an infectious childlike smile plastering onto her face.

"for me!" she asked in disbelief, pulling her present out and discarding the bag onto the floor carelessly.

Her present was a forty centimetre tall homemade captain ryan plushie, a very well-made one if they did say so themselves. It was stiched up perfectly with beautiful colours, mirroring an exaggerated chibi cartoon replication of the space hero, and had a voice box thanks to donnie.

"GENTLEMEN, I HAVE A BOLD AND DARING PLAN. THERE IS NO TIME FOR HESITATION! MY ORDERS MUST BE CARRIED OUT WITHOUT QUESTION!" the soft toy spoke upon leo pressing the little button on his chest. She gasped again, clicking excitedly as she stared at her two older siblings with stary, glossy eyes.

"for ME" she repeated, flappy hands moving up and down as she watched them with a wide smile, happy tears starting to trickle down her facs.

Oh, this is just the best! They didnt sell space heroes merch anymore, and lea could never find anything old anywhere! The only things she had were a couple of posters and some homemade things like her shirt-- but this was so so so cool!

April watched the girls eyes soften, her posture relaxed even with her vibrating body, and smiled at the younger.

"yea for you!" mikey responded cheerily with a bright smile. The girl wasted no time, bouncing from her seat and pouncing onto her currently older brother, chirping happily.

"is 'o cool!" she chirped, hugging both the plush and her brother close, who squeezed back just as excitedly, wiping the tears off her cheeks and nuzzling her close.

"im glad you like it sunshine, april helped sew it together for me," mikey informed, giggling when april was jumped on next, wrapped in a tight hug.

"fank you pil! i lov' it sooooo mu't's!" she chirped, giving april a kiss on the cheek and hugging her tightly. Mikey awhed at the cuteness while april tried to hide her blush, hugging the girl back.

"you're very welcome blue blue, im happy you love it so much. did you show raph your new friend?" april asked indulgently, chuckling when she bounced out of her arms and over to raph.

"raphie look! i's cap'tain ryan!" she exclaimed, bouncing on her toes as her big brother lent down, inspecting the toy dramatically becore grinning and nodding in approval.

"its definitely captain ryan bub, looks cool. cant believe donnie actually put a voice box in" he mused, not able to supress a laugh when lea perked up, chirping at the mention of their currently absent brother and racing out of the room.

"DEEEEEEE" donnie groaned at his sisters voice, realising he was about to be interrupted and standing up, sighing in annoyance.

"i swear i didnt pull an all nigh--" he immediatly cut himself off after expecting some form of lecture, feeling his sister wrap herself around him.

"nardo? whats up?" he asked, hugging her back. A wave of relief flooded through him when the blue turtle looked up at him with a bright childish smile, but also a wave of confusion.

"not that im complaining, but why the sudden hugs?" he asked curiously, returning her smile.

"f'ank you so mu'ts!" lee chirped, nuzzling her cheek into his plastron.

"whatever for?" donnie asked indulgently, voice softening once he realised his sister wasnt big. She pulled away, holding up her soft toy and pressing the button on his chest.

"for cap'ain ryan! i lo've him, and y'u!" leo blabbed happily, shaking him up and down lightly as the voice box let out the space hero's catchphrase.

"you're welcome bug, i love you too" he replied, patting her head and smiling at her softly. He had forgotten mikey and april planned to give the girl her present today, and clearly thats what triggered the slip. He had heard mikey yelling the littles nickname, so that definetly would have contributed.

"can y'u colowr wi'v me an' cap'ain ryan?" lee asked excitedly, not noticing the way donnie almost deflated at the request. He loved his sister, even his younger sister definetly, but he was busy. He really didnt appreciate having to colour right now.

"oh lee, i dont-"

"pweaseeeeee tew'o" she interrupted, begging, puppy eyes and childish voice not working in donnies favour as he really wanted to continue working.

"oi squirt, let donnie work. we'll go colour and you guys can play later" raph intercepted, walking into the lab joining his siblings.

Leas face fell from her previous ecstatic expression, eyes training down at the ground as she scuffed her feet on the floor, accepting reluctantly.

"alright alright, ill come colour with you sweet pea" he gave in, sighing fondly as the girl spun happily. He couldnt bare to be responsible for the little being sad, especially after just being so happy.

"nd cap'tain ryan?" donnie simply melted at the request, promising that captain ryan was included in their little colouring playdate.

"and since im coming to colour, you know what raphie could do?" he asked, leaning down and whispering in his sisters ear. Her eyes immediately widened as she nodded her head in agreement.

"raphie! c'an y'u m-make 'a fai- ry b'ead?" lee asked excitedly, trying to pronounce all her words properly so they took her seriously as a big girl. She nibbled on her finger, turning her body back and forth.

"yea yea sure, you want your nummy?" raph asked, noticing the way she nommed on her finger.

Lee immediatly stopped chewing, pulling her plush into her arms close to her plastron as she huffed stubbornly.

"buhh't im'a big girl! i'm no' a'lowed nummy" she countered, frowning slightly.

They had all gotten used to the little leo, but she still had a small aversion to using her little gear sometimes. Even in times like now when everyone knew she wanted to regress further, needing a little help to do so, but would near refuse. Maybe it was fear, or shame, or a mix, maybe something completely different? They werent sure, but when lea was little it was their mission to make sure she was safe and happy, so if that meant helping her regress further then that was what they'll do.

Raph gave her a dubious look, knowing that wasnt the answer to his question.

"how old are you feeling lee?" donnie asked curiously, voice soft and upbeat while talking to his younger sister. The girl thought for the moment, "uhmmm dis many? a big girl though," she insisted, holding up both of her hands, noticing the look donnie and raph gave eachother but not understanding what it meant.

Leo definetly wanted to regress further, but wouldnt for some reason. And they were not having that.

The younger grasped donnies hand, pulling him out of the lab and leaving raph behind as they made their way to the pit.

"i'm go get colowrin' stuff, don' move" the blue turtle ordered, running off with her plush into her room.

She quickly entered her room, dropping to her knees and reaching under her bed for a cardboard box. Inside the box were all leos little gear and items. Things like saru, who often lived on her bed anyways, disney colouring books and crayons, puzzles, chew toys, a pacifier, story books and a little backpack for times when they left the lair and lea was regressed, which wasnt very often.

The blue turtle pushed pass the pacifier reluctantly, reaching for saru and placing him on her bed after giving him a kiss and a squeeze, promising to introduce him to captain ryan later. She reached for her pack of crayons and disney colouring books, pulling them out excitedly and racing out of the room back to the pit.

Out in the main area, donnie was sitting on the couches with april and mikey, telling them what him and raph had noticed about lea today. Of course, as soon at the younger emerged, they stopped talking.

"got your colouring stuff?" donnie asked, slinking down the couch and onto the ground next to where the girl placed all the crayons and books.

"mmhm!" she hummed in response, immediately opening her mulan colouring book to a fresh page with mushu on it.

Lea coloured quietly, humming to herself but not uttering a word as the others spoke around her. She was perfectly content with her colouring books and captain ryan placed under her arm, easily pleased.

"here ya go, make sure to share with everyone else," raph entered the room, holding a plate with fairy bread on it and placing it infront of the girl.

Lea put her crayons back in her pencil case excitedly, reaching for a piece of the sugary bread and beaming up at her big brother.

"f'ank you raphie," she chirped, taking a big bite out of her slice and picking up another, handing it to her purple coded brother.

"wan' some dee?" she asked sweetly, "not at the moment, thank you for asking though" donnie replied, giving the girl his own smile.

"mimi? pril? wan' fai'y bread?" leo offered, shoving the rest of her slice into her mouth and reaching for another before either of the teens could say yes.

"thanks lu! youre such a good girl," mikey praised, watching his little sisters eyes brighten at the praise and chirp happily.

"here go p'il!" lee smiled, shuffling next to april and giving her a slice of the rainbow bread as well.

"aww thank you sweetheart," april cooed, pulling the girl into a squishy hug which she returned before quickly pulling away.

"raphie gonna have some?" leo asked raph, looking up at him with curious eyes, wanting him to sit down and join them. Raph smiled indulgently sitting down next to his little sister and patting her head.

"nah, im all good bub. good job for sharing" he praised, letting lee nuzzle into his embrace and hugging her tightly as she purred happily.

She had undoubtedly slipped younger, with all the babying and attention she was recieving even after insisting she was a 'big girl'.

The three ate quietly with the company of their older brothers, at some point putting on lego ninjago requested by leo. She explained that captain ryan was used to space adventures, but didnt know anything about being a ninja, so they had to watch ninjas, for his sake.

Suddenly there was a loud bang at the entrace of the lair, lea presses her palms into her tympana quickly, trying to avoid the sudden loud noise. She waited to see if there was another, ready to retreat into her shell if she needed to. Raph looked over the couch and growled, pulling his hand over the top of lee's for extra protection before yelling, "CASEY" angrily, scowling at his stupid boyfriend.

"yo, babe!" casey greeted, running over to the group with a grin. Leo looked up at the boy with curious eyes when she heard his name, tympana still being covered by both hers and raphs hands. The boys grin faltered when he noticed, significantly softening his tone.

"sorry blue, did i startle ya?" casey asked apologetically, wincing at his boyfriends glare. Leo nodded lightly, looking down at the ground. Which made raph growl again and casey wince, again. Hes surprised hes not getting his ass kicked right now.

"i didnt mean to, i got sum in my eye and tripped on dons junk at the entrance" casey explained, hoping to be forgiven.

That reminded lee of captain ryan, who she hadnt shown casey yet!

The girl took her hands off her tympana, making raph move his in the process and instead remain close as lea reached for her new plush.

"case! cap'ain ryan! look!" lee insisted, holding up the soft toy as it was her new prized possession, pressing the button to activate the voicebox as she watched casey expectantly.

The vigilante was confused by the baby talk at first, which must have shown on his face because donnie mouthed 'little', and suddenly it made sense. He walked over, inspecting the toy briefly before grinning widely at the younger.

"im lookin kid, its pretty cool! where'd ya get 'im?" casey asked indulgently, watching the girl point at her two youngest brothers and april.

"hello my children," splinter suddenly appeared out of nowhere, making casey jump over the couch towards raphs arms.

Lea grew excited when she heard her fathers voice. She chirped happily, holding up her new toy once again but this time in the direction of her sensei.

It was so cool, her dad just had to see how amazing it was, and how amazing mikey, and donnie, and april were at making it!

Splinter raised a curious brow at the series of animalistic chirps rather then words coming from his eldest child, not paying any mind to the colouring books scattered across the floor as he walked further into the pit to see what she was presenting to him.

When he saw, he smiled softly. Of course it was space heroes themed, how could he had ever guessed? She was smiling so hard her eyes were closed, it reminded him of when she was a tot. His sweet girl was probably just ecstatic, too overwhelmed with positive emotion to get out any comprehensible sentences.

"dad! cap'ain ryan!" lee babbled out, unbelievably excited to show off her newest friend to her father.

But when she opened her eyes, she noticed splinters face wasnt as excited as anyone elses has been, it was confused. She couldnt tell if it was was a mean confused or a confused confused, but the thought of it being a mean confused made her smile falter and her shrink in on herself. Her chirps rumbled into nervous little clicks as she eyed her big brothers next to her worriedly.

Casey moved from where he fell, basically being on top of raph, and shuffled to lees other side, sending the other three a worried glance.

"that is very nice leonardo, is there possibly more explanation to offer me at this moment?" splinter asked calmly, looking at all the teens infront of him, waiting for an answer. Leo close to never called splinter dad.

"hey lu lu, how old are you feeling?" mikey asked softly, comforting smile on his face when the girl turned around. He scooped her up close into his arms, squeezing her tight.

"age?" donnie asked quietly, peering at his younger sister leaning on their brother, eyes trained at the ground while her plush was hugged close and finger in her mouth. They had realised she was in far too deep to try and make herself bigger, simply slipping more.

"four, i think," mikey confirmed, arms wrapped around his baby sister as if she were a big teddy bear.

"lee does this thing called age regression, sensei. when her mental state becomes that of a younger child, and right now its around age four, maybe younger," donnie explains, knowing that every time lea had been regressed around splinter she had forced herself big as fast as possible, hiding it until she could sneak away to find one of her brothers in their rooms.

Splinter watched and listened closely, taking in the information about his eldest. It took him by surprise if he was being honest, but then again. The more he thought about it, there were many times where the girl seemed more than almost childlike, times where she genuinely seemed like a child.

His gaze softened greatly when he heard a little sniffle, seeing the turtle tot with a quivering lip and shiny eyes.

"my sweet little blue, do not be sad," splinter comforted gently, knealing infront of leo and placing a hand on her head lightly.

Her ocean blue eyes peeled from the floor to her father, scanning for anything to confirm her uncertainty.

"no' in tw'uble...?" she mumbled quietly, unsure.

Splinter lightly caressed his hand down lee's face, taking her cheeks into both his hands gently, "not at all," he assured, smiling comfortingly when she smiled wobbly.

"mkay," the blue turtle accepted, holding up captain ryan once again and pressing the button on his chest to show splinter again. The rat man just smiled indulgently, patting the girls head and standing up.

"it is a very nice toy leonardo, thank you for showing me," he praised, making the younger beam and chirp.

With that small interaction over, splinter had left and the others went back to the TV. Lee decided she wanted april and raphael up on the couch with her, snuggled into the girls right side while she hugged her brothers left arm close to her chest. She fiddled with his fingers, enjoying the warmth they both produced.

Casey was squished into raphs right side after having some form of squabble with donnie and mikey, both brothers kicking him off the couch they were sharing with a high three.

"bubby w'ook! kitty cat!" Leo chirped, shaking raphs arm. She wasnt paying too much attention to anyone around her, lego ninjago was turned off and a movie called the aristocats started playing, which had quickly become a new favourite to watch.

"

"Oi!" lee jumped at the sudden noise, being startled out of her focus on the tv.

"you can steal my limbs all ya want, dont put em in your mouth though, shithead," raph grumbled, wiping his slobbering hand on caseys clothes, much to the boys protest.

Lee churred lowly, snuggling into aprils side more. She ignored her big brother, turning her attention back towards the TV as she rested her thumb in her mouth.

She hadnt noticed how april silently told donnie to retrieve the young girls pacifier, the taller agreeing and manoeuvring around a sleeping mikey. The orange clad turtle had stayed up late last night finishing the plush in donnies lab, and his energy must have finally run out.

She had only noticed when april nudged her, getting her attention and noticing donnie sit back down.

The genius had made a detour, not only retrieving leas pacifier but her sippy cup as well, making his way to the kitchen quickly to fill the blue stary cup with apple juice.

"hey sweetheart, want some juice? donnie got it for you" april asked softly holding the plastic cup out infront of her as an offer.

Lea took it eagerly, sipping carefully on the sweet tasting contents. "f'ank y'u," she mumbled quietly, looking up towards her brother before back at the TV.

"you're welcome bug, good manners," donnie cooed in response, chuckling when leo purred at the praise.

The little took a few sips before letting april put the near empty sippy cup to the side, this time holding out the pacifier.

"would you like your nummy baby blue?" april asked sweetly, watching the girl contemplate with gentle eyes.

Even though she was younger, leo still seemed to be averred to using her little gear. They couldnt truly understand why, there was nothing to be ashamed of.

"I've got it right here if you want it," the red head encouraged softly, watching lee hesitantly hold out her hand, about to reach for the item but still not sure.

April held the pacifier a bit closer, snuggling the young turtle more when she whined, "its yours lea, you're allowed to have it baby," that set her off, and finally leo grasped her comfort item carefully, placing it in her mouth.

All the teens, minus michelangelo who was still asleep, watched discretely with triumphant smiles as the youngest visibly softened, entire body relaxing and eyes drooping hazily as she slipped further.

"there you go, doesnt that feel better?" april cooed as a smile plastered its way onto her face, listening to lees content purrs as she nuzzled her friends side, beyond talking at this point.

It wasnt long until the blue turtle fell asleep in aprils arms, so young and comfy that she just couldnt help it. Donnie had fallen asleep too, curled up on his side of the couch while mikey was spread out carelessly. The only ones left awake were raph, casey and april.

The red clad turtle watched his sister closely, or more so their red headed friend smiling lovingly down at her.

"personally, im all for it," raph mused, snorting at aprils confused and slightly startled face.

"all for what?" she asked quietly, confused on whatever the hothead was talking about.

"you and my sister, i see your goo goo eyes, your lesbian ass aint slick," raph scoffs, watching the teen turn the colour of her hair.

"told'ja red, everyone knows youre a homo" Casey snickered, dodging leas not entirely empty sippy cup.

"oi! foul play!" casey laughed when april flipped him off.

"i came out like, years ago!" april countered defensively, playful smirk on her face.

"yep and now youre in love with a turtle-- ow! babe?!" raph hit casey up the of the head, rolling his eyes.

"youre a homo, and in love with a turtle, ya fuckstick," raph deadpanned.

"yea you like to fuck sticks..." april muttered, "NUH UH-"

"can you guys stop being feral for five fucking minutes," they suddenly heard, turning to a sleepy grumpy donnie glaring at them with half lidded eyes.

"thanks," he hissed, reclosing his eyes and curling around the pillow he was holding close, falling back asleep almost instantly.

"someones grouchy," casey mused, stretching out over his boyfriend obnoxiously, enjoying the current affection.

"im pretty sure he pulled an all nighter, and mike stayed up pretty late with him. fearless just insists on trainin all the time, i wouldnt bet she slept properly either" raph huffs quietly.

"yea casey, maybe you should be considerate for once and be quiet" april whispered passive aggressively, rolling her eyes when the vigilante stuck his tongue out childishly.

"fuckkkk," raph groaned, "im gonna have to carry all three of them to a bed now because theyre not just gonna nap, theyre gonna sleep for hours." he complained, standing up and stretching, ignoring the way casey groaned and crashed onto the floor.

"fuck my life. do you know how hard it is carrying them around? mikey squirms like his life depends on it, leo either doesnt hold on or doesnt let go and donnies fucking tall" he complained, scowling at nothing in particular.

"just leave them, mikes and donnie have slept in worse conditions, and i dont mind cuddling with lea," april offered, unable to control her smile when she looked down at the sleeping girl in her arms.

Lee is adorable.

"yea, but caseys a loud mouth and if he wakes donnie up i wont be able to save 'im," raph joked, truth behind his words that kept the vigilante from defending himself.

"case, isnt your dad and sister in boston visiting your step-mum?" the red head asked, remembering casey complaining about being forced to go see angels mum, that is, until he complained enough that his dad said he didnt have to come.

His eyes widened in realisation, a wide grin plastering onto his face as he snatched his boyfriends hand.

"awh red this is why i love ya! babe lets go hang at my place," casey insisted excitedly, already dragging the red clad turtle out of the lair. The red head giggled and waved bye to both of them.

Leo stirred lightly, shuffling in the teens arms and nuzzling further into her side.

"shhh, go back to sleep lea, ive got you" april soothed softly, watching the girl make herself the comfiest she could before going still, eyes remaining closed.

"i lu'v y'u bun'shes..." leo mumbled in her sleep.

Aprils heart fluttered, leaning her cheek on the blue turtles head and smiling to herself uncontrollably.

"love you bunches lea"

Chapter Text

"youd do anything as long as splinter told you to, youd kill yourself, you almost did!" 

"of course? i dont understand" Lee didnt get it, she couldnt explain why she did the things she had-- besides the simple answer of she was told to. 

"why'd you make dinner?" splinter told her to. 

"why are you making us train?" splinter told her to. 

"why would you sacrifice yourself like that?" well, splinter told her that she should be ready to, that she should if she could save her brothers and the world-- so she did. 

There werent a lot of feelings behind it besides she wanted her brothers safe and she was told to keep them safe. Why are they so mad that she did what she was told to do, that she didnt have some actively suicidal teenagery plan to kill herself and spill her guts? Shes only ever gone through life doing what she was told and she cant think of why thats so bad but she also cant logically defend how its good. 

"of course ya dont fuckin understand!" raph yelled angrily growling and invading lea's space getting really close to her face as he snarled.

"do you... not understand why we're mad? sis you almost DIED back there" mikey mumbled, lost and absolutely baffled that his sister was just so open to KILLING HERSELF for the 'greater good'. 

"well, i understand if i were to die you would be upset, we're family, but i also had to do it to keep you safe. master splinter said--" 

"to hell with what master spinta said!" 

"lee what he means is that you shouldnt be so open to killing yourself, thats not a healthy mindset" donnie tried to reason calmly, but even now lea began to get frustrated. 

"you're not listening to me!" she tried, but all her brothers went off at that statement, their words all jumbling together in her brain as she tried to focus on one thing. 

Leo felt her throat tighten painfully and pulled her hands up to her tympana, "stop it," she mumbled desperately. 

She couldnt understand when everyone was talking at once, even if it was just two people she continuously struggled. Her brain would block it out, resulting in a loud buzz being the only sound that entered her ears. 

"no you're not fucking getting out of this--"

"no raph wait-- its not that," mikey quickly said, catching his eldest brothers attention. "She cant hear us if we all talk at the same time," Leos heart fluttered at the way her youngest brother jumped to explain that when she couldnt. 

Donnie and raph understood, the elder cursing quietly while donnie stepped forward. "We're sorry for talking over eachother, and for talking over you. could you explain it to us?" he asked gently, hoping their sister wouldnt be too upset. 

Leo pulled her hands down from her head, resting them in her chest with elbows bent, picking at her nails. 

"Logically," she started, voice wobbling slightly, "i know that i probably shouldnt be so ready to do that. you've told me, so i definetly know now." her voice was slow as she tried to keep it level, trying to keep the overwhelming emotion from leaking through. 

"but... its not a fact that helps me decide what to do, as if i dont really care about it." raph grew more visibly angry at that statement, but stayed quiet like donnie had promised they would. 

"im just doing what im told to do, or what people tell me to do. because then im doing something right, obviously, and ive only ever really done what was expected of me. ive never actually just done anything meaningful that genuinely... makes me happy," she trails off, trying to figure out if shes making sense. 

"so no, i just... dont really care. i love you guys of course, but i cant bring myself to care about much else. im not sure why, i dont have any more explanation for you." The way she sounded so content in her words, the way she was so used to this feeling, absolutely caused her brothers hearts to hurt. 

None of them really knew what to say.

"that sounds like apathy," donnie blurted out. Information and logistics are how he copes. "which is one of the most common symptoms of extreme anxiety, evident in you, clearly. youre so absolutely emotionally worn out to the point where you 'dont care', but you do care, like you said. you're just not... feeling it? Argh this so--" donnie trailed off, not even understanding this in himself to be able to explain it to lea. 

"its okay, that makes sense. thank you donnie," she said, her usual warm and loving smile resting on her face. 

Raph was glaring at her still, eyes squinted and arms crossed against his plastron, "no more fucking sacrifices."

"no more sacrifices" she repeated in a whisper, offering him a smile as well. 

They were all silent for a few moments, trying to figure out what they should do next, if there was something else they should do. But they were too tired, and they cant figure this out in five minutes based on one tiny explanation. 

"can we go watch a movie...?" mikey asked, eyes widening slightly when leo turned her warm gaze to the youngest. "Of course we can, im tired anyways," she said. 

The two left, raph and donnie trailing slowly behind them as requested. 

"what do you wanna watch mikes?" she asked, taking a seat on the couch next to the orange clad turtle, letting him snuggle into her side. 

"if you say fucking harry p--" 

"can we watch the fourth harry potter?" 

Chapter Text

"Thats fucking rich coming from you"

"Literally shut up! Your awful voice is going to make my head explode"

"Good, then maybe you'll go back into whatever hole you slithered out from"

"Actually ill be dead you fucking moron"

"Oh thats it--"

Leo sighed quietly, closing her book and silently retreating to the comforts of her room.

Karai came over, which lee wasnt upset about at all; she adores her older sister. It was just the simple fact that her and raph always found anything to argue over, and they were both too stupidly prideful and stubborn to go "hey this is fucking stupid lol i dont actually care".

The fights were over such trivial topics that lee never even knew what they were about. There were never any grudges held between the siblings either, it was just heat of the moment bickering that they later ignored as if it never happened.

Usually leo just ignored it, it was dumb and not actually hurting anyone. She also was useless to stop it, so why bother trying? All it did was frustrate her.

Like now, when she was trying to read and they so rudely decided to argue in the pit. And it wasnt like she could watch TV, they're way too loud.

She sat criss-crossed on her bed, placing her book down now that her productive lets read mood was ruined. She reached to her bedside table and grabbed her headphones, putting them on her head. It wasnt that she was overly overwhelmed or anything, they were just comforting in general.

Leo started humming to herself as she looked around her room, rocking back and forth softly. What was she humming? The space heroes intro song of course.

She was like that for a few minutes, before deciding she didnt like how inactive her environment was. It was a weird thing to be, well, weird about. She didnt want to do anything but needed something going on.

Which is why she scrambled out of her bed, leaving her room and walking towards her brothers lab. Raph and karai were still squabbling, but she ignored that and entered the lab, closing the sliding door behind her.

"Hm?" Donnie looked up at the sound of his door closing, beakers filled with some sort of mutagen experiment that lee knew she would probably hear about at some point.

"Oh hey," he greeted casually, about to go back to his previous activity when he did a double take. "Is that raph and karai arguing again?"

"Yes," lee answered immediately, taking a seat on the ground. There was a fluffy carpet mat in the lab specifically for leo, donnie had put it there for her to sit on instead of the cold hard ground.

Basically the only reason was, for reasons he truly will never understand, she just loves sitting on anything but proper furniture.

Donnie chuckled, "they been going for a while?" he asked amusedly.

"Yes," she groaned, her brother must have tuned them out. Lucky him.

"Its fine, they're just so annoying. Is this how you feel when raph and I argue?" She asked, crossing her legs and rocking back and forth, "because if yes then we're damn annoying."

"You are frustrated," donnie snickered, "but no. Unless you guys are fighting over the most useless and idiotic things like they do."

"I think raphs just sexist," leo said jokingly, her flat tone and blank face making it all the more funny.

Donnie cackled, surprised by the sudden comment, "oh my god, i cant tell if you're joking or not"

"Joking," she assured, giggling, "mostly."

The two sat there, leo hummed to herself quietly while she rocked. She listened to donnie explain what he was doing with the mutagen, apparently trying to see if there were other forms of the substance besides retro-mutagen and the original batch.

Any other individual would have been offended, it didnt look like leo was listening to him at all. But he knew she was, probably very intently.

He eyed the way her hands fidgeted; she was watching her nails make crescent indents in her skin. Not in a concious sort of self harm way, just a stimming way.

She couldnt explain it and they couldnt entirely make sense of it.

Its the reason they dont give her rubber bands or any sort of thing that can be used to poke, to stim with. She'll just poke herself endlessly until she bruises, or ties rubber bands around her fingers as tightly as she can before untying and then re-tying repetitively.

"Sensory?" Donnie asked, kicking a box across the floor towards his sister. She reached for it, lightly dragging it across the floor closer to herself.

It was an old cardboard box with a few sensory and stim toys. Donnie liked to use them sometimes when he was restless and needed to work, and a squishy or two for raph for days where he was overly irritated for no reason and needed a more low-key outlet.

But they were mostly for mikey and leo.

They have one or two of their own respective items hidden in their rooms, but donnie kept this box in his lab so there was nothing lost.

Lee picked out a pink tangle, scooting the box away from herself before continuing with her rocking. Her humming never ceased, and donnie would have grew annoyed by it if he hadn't heard the tune so many times hes unconciously memorised the entire thing.

They think eventually the two hotheads had calmed down, or possibly gone to fight eachother. Either way both donnie and leo were actively ignoring them while enjoying eachothers company.

Chapter Text

Lee wasnt sure she understood love. 

Not in a total sense, of course she loves her family. The adoration she has for them is overwhelming sometimes. 

Shes talking about romance. 

Love has always been a foreign affection to Leo, even though it’s a universal theme that’s been written about for centuries. 

“What do you mean ‘foreign affection’? Haven't you experienced it with atleast your family?” She could never explain it in words, like a lot of her emotions, because love is seen as such a common sentiment, emotion; she thinks it’s misconstrued, and she cant, in simple terms, explain how. To anyone.

Love is for family, but does she love them for their title or for their presence? 

Love is for friends, yet is it only because love is formed in companionship?

Love is for lovers, though how does she really know if it’s love?   

Loving someone unlike a way she loves her brothers, isnt something she knows how to recognise. 

“What is love to you?” she could tell you it was empathy, passion, and contentment. 

But, like shes obviously displayed, she has an overwhelming empathy for time and space, and with that comes passion, affinity; the butterfly effect of her every, sometimes pain filled, waking hour. 

Yet in her every waking hour, there's this compulsive discontentment with existing, so how is she ever supposed to survive love? Its something she cant even imagine.

She tries, desperately, to take advice from fiction. Because even with hyper empathy, she doesn't understand real people and shes petrified she won’t survive it.

That is, until Karai. 

Leo thought she was the most... beautiful girl she has ever seen. She was so smart, and honestly funny. 

She got all nervous around her, wanted to be around her all the time. Wanted to impress her and would die for her praise and approval.

She loves karai. 

Just not in that way. 

She thought she did; thats what her brothers told her. 

But the more she thought about it, she realised she didnt even know what that kind of love was.

Lee trusted her brothers though; casey and raph are boyfriends, mikey had the biggest crush on rennet (lea's sure they're in a long-distance relationship), and donnie was infatuated with april for atleast a year. 

But it just didnt feel right. 

So like any sane and normal person, she googled, and researched. She came to the conclusion she didnt like karai like that, she just thought she was really cool! 

Then leo found out she was trans, and it suddenly made a little more sense. 

She didnt want karai, she wanted to be karai. Its the gender-envy from an afab whose drop-dead gorgeous. 

Then lee found out the princess of the foot is actually her older sister, and she was so fucking positive she didnt like her like that. 

Admiration. She looked up to her. 

Not. A. Crush. 

Although she did get called sister-kisser a couple times, it was just a light-hearted joke she eventually laughed along with. 

After all that drama, she still didnt know what romantic love felt like. 

Lee started to think maybe she was aroace, because it would make more sense than love. Shes sixteen for fucks sake and has never looked at anyone the way her brothers have, and has never even understood it. 

Maybe it was just a weird trauma thing? Autism thing? Her research suggests that its a pretty likely answer.

Then april called her sweetheart for the first time. 

And that? That was a feeling she had never felt before.

Butterflies. Literal butterflies. 

Leo thought everyone was lying about it! That is was just some stupid cliche comparison that wasnt actually real. 

She didnt know what that feeling was until raph asked her, "do you have a crush on april?" 

She was just sitting in her room, minding her own business, when her brother just decided to barge in - he didnt even knock by the way - and ask her. 

"Why are you asking me that?" Lee asked, praying she wasnt blushing. 

Raph just rolled his eyes, "because I can tell you do." 

"You," she started, pointing an accusing finger at the red clad turtle, "were convinced I had a crush on karai. And you were VERY wrong, so." 

"Yea yea," raph dismissed, walking further into the room and sitting right next to his sister. "I know, but this im sure of."

Lee couldnt help but smile, tapping her feet, "I think you're right." 

Then one day mikey pulled her aside while everyone was together, the younger practically vibrating. "You keep giving april goo goo eyes!" 

"No I'm not! Shut up!" She hissed, no heat in her tone compared to the embarrassment of being called out. "You so were! Dont fib!" 

Leo smiled and rolled her eyes at the order, "im not fibbing, we're not five anymore mikan," she teased back, both of them childishly sticking their tongues out at eachother.

"Are you gonna go on a date?" he asked excitedly, voice hushed secretively, "because she totally makes goo goo eyes at you when you're not looking." 

Lee was about to defend herself, but hesitated, "she does? And what do you even mean goo goo eyes?" she asked curiously. 

Mikey just smirked, "you know how raphie looks at casey sometimes when hes like, beating the absolute shi--" he started, pausing when his big sister gave him a look. "--Crap, I said crap, when hes beating the crap out of something? Or how casey looks at him when hes beating the crap put of him?" Lee made an 'ohh' sound. She knew, it was always really sweet, or, as sweet as it could be when someone is literally getting bashed. 

But she was never going to do anything about it. It wasnt killing her, and why would april like a mutant turtle anyways? Shes not... overly ugly, but to a beautiful human girl? Lee doesnt expect her to find her attractive. 

But then one day she was hiding out in donnies lab, trying her hardest to not snap at mikey or raph or casey because she was overwhelmed and in a shitty mood that day. Her purple coloured brother was usually the most quiet, atleast not asking her any sort of question every five minutes; her noise cancelling headphones worked wonders. 

"April likes you too, you know," he said gently, randomly, turning around to look at the girl behind him on the floor. 

Lee spat out a response before she could even think about what her brother said, "bullshit. Leave me alone." 

"Its not bullshit," donnie replied, voice still soft. "Do you remember the first time we all noticed you slipped? In the dojo?" 

The blue turtle groaned. She remembers. It was embarrassing as all living hell, she avoided splinter for ages afterwards. And she hates talking about little space, because it often makes her slip; its not exactly news to a lot of people, but lea is stressed all the time. 

She nodded her head, letting her brother continue. "Thats when I first found out. She didnt want to leave you, and she was so gentle and caring. Im not sure if you remember all that much, you were pretty tired and upset." He was right, she doesnt remember a whole lot from when she actually regressed, but she remembers everyone was really sweet and patient. 

"I followed her out and asked her about you, you should have seen her face. I know you probably didnt realise, but she really likes you," donnie assured, smiling sweetly. 

Leo averted her gaze, sapphire eyes softening from the previous glare they held. 

She could only think one thing, one thought was swirling around in her mind.

Why would april like her? 

She hadnt responded, and donnie looked at her with furrowed eyes. "Nardo," he started, voice gentle and understanding. "Whats wrong?" 

He immediately moved to the floor when he heard a sniffle, leos eyes shining dangerously close to having tears fall. "Lee?" 

"Why would she like me," the girls voice wobbled, squeaking just above a whisper. 

"Leonardo," donnie said, and lee already knew what was coming. "I know, dont be mean to myself. Buh-- but I dont..." 

"You're right," the taller says, keeping a small distance between themselves, "Thats what I was going to say, dont be mean to yourself. And I was also going to say that theres numerous reasons why she would like you--" 

Leo curled herself into a ball, her arms wrapped around her knees where her head was tucked, face hidden. "I dont want to hear them," she interrupts without fail, voice muffled.

"I wasnt going to, I was going to say that you dont need a reason to love someone." Lee was silent. 

"You dont need a reason to love someone. Its just a feeling that happens," donnie continued, hoping his sister was listening to him. 

She turned her head to look at him, making eye contact for a moment before hiding her face again. 

Donnie sighed and stood up, going back to his desk. "You're not unlovable leo, I promise." 

After that? She couldn't stop thinking about april. 

Well, she could. But her mind always liked to wonder into that topic. 

Especially tonight while she was having a sleepover in aprils apartment. 

Both of the girls were in aprils bed, under numerous blankets with pillows and stuffed animals all around. The rooms lights were off, the only thing illuminating the space being the kitchen light travelling down the hallway and aprils TV that was playing heathers. Lee was snuggled into april, head in her chest while the red head soothingly traced the indents of her shell absent-mindedly. 

Leo just wanted to ask april. She had been thinking about it all night, all day, all week, all month-- 

"Hey ap'il?" she mumbled, voice slightly muffled and sleepy as her half-lidded eyes rested on the TV.

"Yea lea?" Aprils voice was a gentle hum, soft and velvety. 

Lee was quiet, trying to get through the feeling of needing to vomit so she could actually speak. "Lee? Did you fall asleep," the red headed girl whispered fondly, supressing a little giggle at the thought. 

Leo hummed, "no, can we talk?" She pulled herself up and out of aprils arms, yawning widely and rubbing her eyes to try and keep herself more awake. 

April sat herself up too, surprised but accepting nonetheless, "sure blue, of course we can." 

Lee took a deep breath, and as she breathed out-- "Do you like me? I just needed to ask, because everyone seems to have noticed but me, and at first I was so doubtful because why in the world would you like me, but whether I can think of a reason or not its still your feelings and honesty isnt embarrassing at all so if you dont feel that way then its perfectly fine we'll just move on but if you do--" 

"Woah, pause--" 

"Im sorry, I had to blurt it out before I cried or vomited or hyperventilated or--" 

"Leo" april said, grabbing the girls hands. "You're going to end up doing all those things if you dont be quiet." Lee was near about to panic, but her frien- crushes, reassuring and kind smile was, well, reassuring. "First," the red head started gently. "Are you asking me because you want to know whether or not your brothers are right, or because you maybe like me and want to know."

Lee's heart skipped a beat. 

"Both," she answered instantly, not able to take her eyes away from the girl infront of her. 

Aprils eyes widened in surprise, but softened with her smile, little dimples in her now slightly pink freckled cheeks. "Okay," she accepted. 

"So... do you?" lee murmured. Her eyes flickered down to her hands fidgiting in her lap, a fresh cornflower blue painted on her nails. 

April gently took the turtles face in her hands, a tender hold; her nails were painted a coral pink. When their eyes met, they both sparkled. "How could I not." 

Both girls broke out into bright smiles, unable to control themselves. It was sight, both were blushing with their little dimples. 

Lee yawned widely, making april giggle and bring the girl back into her arms. "You so should've waited till morning to have this conversation," she mused. 

Lee hummed and shook her head, "I wanted to now, and if I waited then I wouldnt have said anything." 

"Fair enough," april mused, failing to suppress her own yawn.

Lee was silent, waiting to see if april would say any more, anything else at all. 

...

"April?" 

"Yea?" 

"Does that make us..." leo trailed off, slightly embarrassed and scared she was misreading their entire interaction. 

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" April asked back, snuggling closer to the smaller. 

Leo smiled uncontrollably, hiding her face in blankets and aprils embrace, "yea, I do." 

"Okay, then yea. It does." 

Lee couldnt help but purr, embarrassment creeping around at the uncontrollable gesture. April giggled and snuggled her close, humming contently and going back to lazily tracing the pattern's on her girlfriends carapace. Leo knew that the girl knew exactly what she was doing, being all too aware that the comforting feeling of someone scratching her shell was soothing and sleep-inducing. 

And soon enough she could barely keep herself awake, eyes too heavy to be kept open. She whined lightly, april kissing her nose and putting their foreheads together. "Go to sleep baby." 

Leonardo wasnt sure what love really was, or how to really recognise it. But she knew she felt differently towards april, and it was real and genuine and sweet-- 

Thats enough for her. To know that its real. 

Chapter Text

"Thanks for walking me home," lee said gently, slowing down once they reached the entrance of the lair. 

April smiled sweetly, swinging their arms while they held hands. "Of course, Im sorry I cant stay. School stuff." 

Lea just smiled, leaning closer to the girl. "That's totally fine. Text me later?" 

"I will," april replied automatically, leaning closer. 

By now they were holding eachother, arms wrapped around their bodies while they stared lovingly into eachothers eyes. Their foreheads softly bumped together, tilting into a gentle kiss. 

They pulled away, smiling ear to ear as they said bye to eachother. Lee watched her girlfriend walk down the sewer tunnels through hazy, lovesick eyes. Her mind was in a happy daze while it replayed the alien girls face before she kissed her. 

She couldnt help but smile, flapping her hands as she squealed lightly, spinning in a circle. 

Then she made the realisation: not only is she dating april, the prettiest girl shes ever laid eyes on, but-- 

she has a space girlfriend!

Not that she loved april more because of her gifts, obviously, but she was so happy about every teeny tiny detail of her newfound relationship.

Lee spun a few more times, jumping up and down before finally walking back into her home with the sweetest smile plastered on her face. 

Not seeing any of her brothers in the main area, she made her way to the kitchen. Maybe she could grab a snack if there was anything good in the fridge.

She found herself missing her red-headed girlfriend already, in her own little world as she walked into the room and opened the fridge. 

Lee, daydreaming happily, hadn't spotted donnie and mikey standing off to the side. 

Mikey was no doubt baking something entirely unique, which means he probably forced the taller to help. Cooking is a science afterall. 

"Hey lee, how was aprils?" The blue turtle jumped at her brothers voice, closing the fridge door and giving her family her attention. 

"It was good! I had heaps of fun," she beamed, turning her attention to mikey. "What're you making mikan?" 

"Some sugary explosion," donnie cut in, snickering when the younger rolled his eyes and pulled on his purple mask tails. 

He went to say something, but then his eyes went wide and his smile grew, scurring to the other side of the bench and presenting a container. "I made brownies yesterday while you were gone, here!" 

Lee excitedly took the container, thanking her brother and taking a gooey rich piece of the desert, nearly moaning as it covered the inside of her mouth. "These are so good." 

"Thanks!" the younger smiled, before his eyes pointed down and he wacked donnie with his wooden spoon "Back to work dee!" 

"Im not a slave micheal!" 

The two squabbled childishly back and forth for a few moments before they turned back to their older sister, noticing her smiley face. "Leo?" 

"Huh? Yea, what's wrong?" She asked, snapping out of whatever daze she was in. "What's got you all smiley?" 

That only made her twinkle, flappy hands starting again as her toes tippy tapped on the ground. "I have a space girlfriend!" 

Both her brothers mouths hung wide open, loud "HUH??"s coming from both of them. 

She just giggled and burst excitedly. "Right!?" 

"Wait wait wait-- you and april are finally officially dating?" Donnie asked for confirmation, bright smile when the girl nodded her head insistently. 

Miley squealed, tackling his sister in a hug and picking her up from the ground, spinning her around. "Thats so exciting oh my gosh! Yay! Im so excited for you!" 

"Im actually so happy I could die," she blabbed, cheeks hurting from how much she was smiling. "I was sososo scared." 

"We told you she felt the same way!" Donnie pointed out, laughing when lea stuck her tongue out. "Im so getting voice messages from her later about how she's sooooo inloooovveeeee!" 

"Oh hush don!" The leader huffed out at her brothers teasing, but it didn't affect her good mood in the slightest. 

"What's all the noise about dickheads?" Lee turned around, only to be met with his eldest brother leaning in the doorway. "I could hear ya's over my music." 

"Neesan has a girlfriend!" Mikey yelled excitedly, not minding that his hands were being squeezed and shaken up and down. "I have a girlfriend!" 

Raph smiled at his siblings, seeing that even donnie seemed extra happy with the reveal. "Red head?" 

"Mm hm!" Lee nodded her head, chirping. 

She was already very happy with the romantic development in hers and aprils relationship, but the way her brothers reacted had just made her ecstatic.

"Congrats queer," the red turtle joked, grinning and rolling his eyes when lea just bounced on her toes. 

"Lee come on! You gotta tell me all about it right now!" Mikey and leo practically dragged eachother out of the kitchen, continuing even donnie yelled out. "Mikey what about your shitty sugary mess!" 

The taller sighed when he got no answer in return, turning to turn the stove off and clean the sticky sweet mess so they didn't end up with an ant infestation. 

Raph snickered at him, "have fun with that." 

"You're so not gonna stand there and watch me suffer," donnie deadpanned, eyes squinting at the older while he smirked.

"Nah, looks like you've got it covered."

"You're an asshole." 

-

Once donnie was done cleaning up mikeys mess, he and raph went to find his siblings. 

They weren't in the pit when they walked past, so the first place they went to was the youngests room. 

Both turtles were in there on the bed. Lee was sitting criss crossed with a pillow on her lap, happily ranting with a smile on her face as her hands moved with every word. 

Mikey was laying on his stomach, head resting in his hands as he stared up at his big sister with an adoring smile, feet kicked into the air. 

"I actually adore her mike you dont understand." 

"You're in loooveeeeee," the younger sung, making smoochy kissy noises and laughing when he was hit in the face with a pillow. "Im not wrong though!" 

Lee sighed and laid down, humming to herself and closing her eyes. "Guess not." 

"Hey guys," donnie announced themselves, walking into the bedroom. 

"Oh hey!" Mikey greeted, scooching over on the bed and patting the spot next to him. "Come sit down guys, family bonding time!" 

The purple turtle took the spot next to mikey, not hesitating. 

Raph, despite scoffing and commenting that they literally spend every day up eachothers asses, climbed over leo and onto the spare spot on the bed. 

He noticed the sleepy looking turtle right next to him, watching as mikey traced the scars and patterns on her plastron. "You good fearless?" 

The late night with april was totally catching up to lee, she thinks she might fall asleep right this very minute. 

"Mm hmmm," she hummed, opening her glassy eyes, them resting half lidded. "I wasnt sure anyone outside of us would ever like me. I wasn't even ever sure you guys liked me." 

Her voice was a dazed mumble, clearly lovesick and content, but the words made her brothers sad. 

"I told you already, you arent unlikeable," donnie said, voice certain. 

Lee just hummed again, rolling over and resting her head in raphs lap, giving her youngest brother full access to her carapace. "I know."

The thing was, her brothers know she struggled to remember it-- her entire family knew. 

But they were so proud of her for how far shes come over the years. They have watched her grow into healthier habits, watched her smile increase in size and sincerity. 

They all loved eachother more than anything humanely possible, and there wont be a single moment in their lives that they stop reminding eachother of that.