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English
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Part 4 of Kaveh angst moment
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Published:
2023-03-29
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2,602
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1/1
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59
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What’s a Heart Made of Glass, To That of Wax?

Summary:

Have you ever loved someone so much your heart hurts?

Your entire body yearns for them.

Your head feels fuzzy when you look at them.

Your stomach turns when you’re near them.

Kaveh has.
OR;
Kaveh is in love with the man of his dreams, who’s in love with the girl of his dreams

Notes:

!! TW FOR !!
$€lf-h@rm, violent thoughts, $u!c!d@l thoughts

!! IF ANY OF THESE MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE DO NOT READ !!

QUICK NOTE:
I have nothing against Alhaitham x Nilou at all I just like making Alhaitham look like a bad person because Kaveh angst is my entire life atp

Still here? Cool!

Please enjoy (:

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Have you ever loved someone so much your heart hurts?

 

Your entire body yearns for them.

 

Your head feels fuzzy when you look at them.

 

Your stomach turns when you’re near them.

 

Kaveh has.

 

People say it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

 

Bullshit.

 

That’s complete bullshit.

 

Love is beautiful and sweet.

 

Love is soft and gentle.

 

Love is passionate and demanding.

 

When they love you back.

 

————

 

Kaveh had just gotten back from the desert, and nothing was the same. Everything was just…different. The Akademiya seemed happier for starters, and the people seemed more relaxed. Kaveh needed to know what was going on, so he went to someone who is always involved in whatever happened in the Akademiya, his beloved roommate, Alhaitham.

 

Alhaitham naturally started an argument (one that Kaveh immediately added fuel to) but he did eventually tell Kaveh what he needed to know. Except at the time, Kaveh didn’t believe him. Why would he? I mean, how could Alhaitham, the self proclaimed “Feeble Scholar”, take down Azar and even become the Acting Grand Sage? None of it made sense. So Kaveh went to figure out the truth, unfortunately he would quickly come to learn that Alhaitham was telling him the truth. 

 

Did he really miss so much?

 

That night Alhaitham had a dinner with friends, a very confusing thing, seeing as Tighnari and Cyno were his only friends and Kaveh is always invited, now there’s a mysterious blonde traveler, a floating… thing ,  a red headed dancer, a lion mercenary lady, and some princess in the mix? Alhaitham explained it was a get together for everyone who worked together to save the Akademiya. Whatever, see if Kaveh cares that he’s being left out. Because he doesn’t. Not at all.

 

Not

 

At

 

All.

 

Alhaitham is extremely antisocial, he prefers to stay home and read whatever boring book he picked up at the stalls, but lately he’s been going out more with his new friends. Sure, Kaveh isn’t exactly one to talk, but it’s not like he’s upset that Alhaitham has other friends! He’s upset that he keeps hanging out with that red head Nilou. She seems like a sweet girl, and she is an amazing dancer. But the way Alhaitham looks at her…Kaveh doesn’t like it at all. The way Alhaitham’s pupils expand and his typical firm gaze softens as he watches her dance. The way the entire room seems to disappear and at that moment it’s just Nilou and Alhaitham. The way Nilou looks at him with those same eyes during her dancing as if to say, This dance is for you . 

 

Or maybe it’s the way that those are the same eyes Kaveh has been giving Alhaitham for years.

 

Kaveh could ignore it all.

 

He could ignore the frequent mention of her name.

 

Could ignore the way Alhaitham’s eyes got a far away look in his eyes when he talks about her, as if he’s daydreaming.

 

Could ignore the way he was home less and less.

 

Could ignore the way that when Kaveh asks where he was, he immediately deflects the question or gives a half-assed, “Nowhere important.”

 

Could ignore the way his eyes always seemed to be drawn to her in a crowd.

 

But he couldn’t ignore the way his mind made the connection that that’s exactly what he does to Alhaitham .

 

————

 

Kaveh loved when all of his friends got together to go to the tavern and play cards, it’s always the highlight of his week. Not this week though, lately nothing’s been going right so he really shouldn’t be surprised.

 

“Oh! Does that mean my character is down?” Nilou asks, looking over at Alhaitham. Alhaitham nods, “It would appear so.” He said simply, telling her how she should proceed since her character is now dead.

 

Alhaitham decided he wanted to teach Nilou Genius Invocation TCG since she was curious about it, which is fine, but Kaveh just wishes he did it on one of their many hangouts instead of cutting into his time with Alhaitham. Cyno and Tighnari were fine with the whole thing which made him even more mad. Why aren’t they upset? This woman came in and is taking over our thing, our tradition! How could you not at least be a little upset?

 

————

 

A few minutes later Nilou wins the game, she knows Cyno and Tighnari were going easy on her since it was her first game, but she chose to ignore it since winning still feels good. 

 

“Did you see that Alhaitham! I won!” She said proudly, softly taking his hand into her own, Alhaitham gave her one of his extremely rare smiles, paired with a, “Yeah I did.”

 

How disgusting.

 

Kaveh looks away in distaste. This whole scene makes him want to either drink more wine or throw up the wine he already drank. And since throwing up would make him look bad, more wine it is. Kaveh takes a big swig from his cup and loudly sets it back on the table to snap Nilou and Alhaitham out of their love-trance. Nilou quickly becomes embarrassed and hides her face in her hands, turning away from the table. Alhaitham finds that amusing and gently removes her hands from her face, taking one into his own and going back to talking with Cyno and Tighnari.

 

Kaveh felt like he wanted to die. And he wanted to take Nilou with him. He hates himself for feeling like this, he wants to be happy for them and support them like a good friend would, but he just can’t. He wants to be in her place so bad. He wants to be the one holding his hand and blushing, and making him smile that love-drunk smile of his. I just want Alhaitham to be happy, Kaveh tells himself, knowing very well he wants Alhaitham to be happy, but only if it’s with him.

 

————

 

Alhaitham and Nilou are practically inseparable at this point. So inseparable that she’s been spending the night at their house almost every night. In Alhaitham’s bed.

 

Kaveh, of course, hides his seething anger and plays nice with them. Teasing them, and telling them how cute they look together when deep down all he wants to do is throw her out of their house and never let Alhaitham near her again. Kaveh wants her to hurt the way he does. He wants her heart to be shattered into a million pieces like his. Maybe this won’t make Alhaitham love him, but it would definitely make him feel a whole lot better. 

 

Nilou and Alhaitham chose to spend the day cuddling on the couch, both with very different books in hand. Nilou with a light-novel, a light-hearted story of a fungi who doesn’t want to be a fungi anymore and instead wants to be a dog, (Sure it’s weird, but it's a good weird, a cute weird.) And Alhaitham with an informative book about ruin machines core parts and mechanics and their history. 

 

Nilou is clearly enjoying Alhaitham’s company, but she also seems bored, like she wants to go do something else. Hmph, if I was with Alhaitham, I would be completely content with cuddling the entire day with him. A small part of Kaveh thinks. Kaveh shakes his head in an attempt to rid himself of these thoughts. At least Alhaitham was happy, that’s what matters. 

 

————

 

Sometimes it really does just feel like a bad dream. Sometimes Kaveh gets so convinced it’s not real that he thinks he’ll wake up in his bed (maybe even Alhaitham’s arms) in a little bit. Unfortunately he never does. He’s still here watching the love of his life fall for another person. The pain of it all just keeps building up until eventually Kaveh needs a way to let all of that negative energy out. He doesn’t do it a lot! But sometimes a few deep cuts into his thigh are the perfect way to feel like himself again. It’s grounding, and it helps him visualize his pain. Besides, he would get thousands more of these scars if it meant Alhaitham was happy. Is this what love is meant to feel like? Is love meant to burn? Or is he just doing it wrong? What is he doing wrong? Why can’t he just be happy too.

 

But…Kaveh is happy. Maybe he dislikes Nilou, maybe even hates her, for her relationship with Alhaitham, but getting to see those genuinely happy smiles he so rarely gives out is such a joy. If Kaveh was a little braver, he’d ask to paint the scene before him. He wants that happiness to be immortalized for years to come. When both of them are already a lost memory to the world, he wants that picture to be the proof that Alhaitham once lived and loved. Unfortunately, the one he loved wasn’t the artist of that artifact.

 

————

 

Nilou and Alhaitham have started talking about “taking their relationship to the next level”, and by that they mean moving in together. Kaveh can’t exactly say he’s surprised that this is happening, but he is a little shocked it’s happening so soon. Kaveh knows Alhaitham will ask him to move out soon so that he and Nilou may live together. Hell, he might even pay for Kaveh’s down payment on his house if he was hesitant. Fortunately for Alhaitham, Kaveh already prepared for this. He had a bit of money saved up from some bigger projects and he is able to buy a small house near Port Ormos. It isn’t exactly…ideal. He’d much rather live closer to all of his friends and business partners, but maybe this would be good for him. And by “this” he means getting away from Alhaitham for a little bit.

 

I mean…how could Kaveh ever fall out of love if everyday he's reminded of all the things he loves about the scribe? The way his silver hair glows a ghostly white in the morning sun, the way his darker attitude doesn’t seem to affect how bright his smile can be when he’s around people he truly cares about. The way he’s able to win against the best of the best, without even having to lift a finger. He’s the definition of beauty, of perfection. Which is why Kaveh needs to be away from him before he falls any farther. If Kaveh keeps falling he’ll never be able to recover. As much as his heart screams at him to tell Alhaitham how he feels before he makes such a huge step in his blossoming relationship, Kaveh’s brain has always been the stronger of the two. Kaveh knows it’s stupid and pointless to confess now. He knows Alhaitham would never like him back.

 

He knows all of it.

 

But why does he still want to let himself be swept away by the illusion of love?

 

————

 

Alhaitham and Nilou saw Kaveh off before he began his travel to Port Ormos. It would probably be awhile before Kaveh visits Sumeru City again since he’s very determined to adjusting to life in Port Ormos as quickly as possible, therefore Alhaitham wanted to make sure he got a proper goodbye. During said goodbyes, Kaveh pulled Alhaitham aside and said he would send him money each month to slowly pay off his debt to him but Alhaitham quickly declined, “You were merely accepting what was rightfully yours from a few years back, therefore you are in no debt to me. I consider us completely even now.” Kaveh tried to insist he at least give him something . But all Alhaitham wanted was for him to at least visit once a year. Kaveh could do that. Anything for Alhaitham.

 

Alhaitham watched Kaveh leave and once he was gone over the hill he felt a sense of loneliness. A loneliness he hadn’t felt in a long time. What…would he do without Kaveh? Sure he had Nilou, but Kaveh was…Kaveh! It was always Alhaitham and Kaveh, Kaveh and Alhaitham. Now it feels like he’s been forceably ripped away from his closest companion. Nilou gently put her hand on Alhaitham’s shoulder and began turning him back toward the house, “Let’s go home now, yeah? It’s been a long day. You must be sad to see Kaveh go…” She said sadly, Alhaitham just scoffed, “Not particularly, he was due to get a new living arrangement soon anyway.” He said, trying to sound as impartial as possible, but Nilou heard the wave in his voice as if he was barely holding it together.

 

Nilou loves Alhaitham to death, and is over the moon he feels the same way, and Alhaitham is just about the same way..right?

 

Maybe…maybe Alhaitham loved his roommate more than he knew. Maybe Alhaitham had misinterpreted the signs again, because being away from Kaveh, even if just for a second, was agony. Alhaitham stopped walking and gently took Nilou’s hand off his shoulder. Before she could think to react he had turned tail and started running back toward the boarder,

 

“Kaveh!” He yelled as he ran, he couldn’t let him leave. Not yet. Luckily for him, Kaveh had stopped near the entrance of Sumeru City to make sure he had all of his belongings, after making sure he did he was about to begin his travels when a familiar voice called his name from afar, he looked into the gate and saw Alhaitham sprinting toward him. Ah, I did forget something Kaveh thought, turning around and waiting for Alhaitham to reach him. Alhaitham reached Kaveh and began to try and catch his breath, he had definitely underestimated how far away he had gotten from where he saw Kaveh off at.

 

“So what did I leave at your place?” Kaveh said playfully, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning forward.

 

“Just one thing.” Alhaitham said as he stood up straight, Kaveh was about to ask what it was but was instantly interrupted by Alhaitham roughly pressing his lips against his own.

 

Alhaitham’s lips felt desperate against Kaveh’s own shocked ones. What about Nilou? Is this a joke? Does he love me? Does he love her? Kaveh’s mind asked, running nothing short of a million miles a minute. One thing remained clear in the midst of it all though, this would absolutely destroy Nilou. Maybe he wanted that when he saw them all cuddled up and lovey, maybe he wanted that when she took his place in the house, maybe he wanted that when she came to the tavern. But maybe this kiss gave him the clarity to realize no one should have to go through what he went through. So as much as his heart ached for him to kiss back. He pushed him away.

 

“Make her happy for me, okay? I’ll visit soon.” Kaveh said as he walked away from a desperate and pleading Alhaitham, but as much as he knew he shouldn’t, he took a second to look back. Is this really worth it? Shouldn’t he seize this moment? Maybe…Maybe Nilou won’t be upset? No, this isn’t right. But when has Kaveh ever been right? Kaveh looks between the road and Alhaitham and time seems to stop, what could he do?

 

What should he do?

————

 

Maybe Alhaitham really did love Kaveh back.

 

Maybe he was just confused.

 

But no matter who Alhaitham chooses, this story will end in heartbreak.

 

The real question is if it will be Kaveh’s fragile heart of glass to break, or Nilou’s soft and melt heart of wax.

 

Or maybe…it will be for Alhaitham’s cold and hard heart of stone?

Notes:

Man that was wild !! anyway time to watch people comment for a part 2 when i hate writing fluff 👍

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