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Chapter Text

Hamato Leonardo had been through a lot of trauma in his life. He dubbed himself the "failure fuck up of the family" and desperately tried to be percieved as the exact opposite. He owned the persona his brothers saw him as. They saw him as the stupidest out of all of them, most untrustworthy, laziest, unreliable, useless-

Leo wasnt stupid. He spent his entire life analysing body language, facial expressions, habits and patterns. He knew people to a T. He knew what made them work, tick, explode. Some part of him that he ignores knows he did it in hopes of understanding himself more. It didnt help with that.

The face man. Leo was the face man. He was deceitful, cunning, smart, manipulative and an excellent liar. Not bad traits, just commonly associated with the villain. Which is exactly why his brothers see him as completely incompetent. He didnt want to be seen that way, but he had spent so much time acting like comedic relief so villains underestimated him that his brothers also saw him that way. So what could he do?

Leo sure was all these things. This was something he was sure of, but he was also severely traumatised. His coping mechanisms didnt work anymore.

Getting his green three-fingered hands on alcohol while barely being able to sneak out at night to sit on rooftops up top or in the hidden city would not prove easy; it was really too much effort for the outcome of becoming addicted to a depressant.

He found himself craving control. That brought up some unhealthy disordered eating habits. He says disordered habits, he refuses to have a disorder. Something wrong with him. The physicality of that whole situation didnt last very long, mikey was the cook of the house and forced everyone to eat. Leo was no different.

The mentality stayed, the slider just spiralled. He couldnt self harm. He would, but that was too much effort. Too much extra to add to his head i mean- how much more fucked up could he get? how much more could he fail? he already almost ended the world of all things, just a few months ago. Something everyone had openly healed from; everyone but Leo.

Besides, he'd have to worry about the blood and infections he surely wouldnt prevent, and that just sounded like so much extra work. His brothers might notice, but then again they dont seem to pay a lot of attention to him. Hes been the face man his whole life, and they were blind enough to believe that. Of course they wouldnt notice.

He tried some of the generic healthy coping mechanisms- but they were just so unhelpful and boring. Meditation? It was okay, but it didnt help. It wasnt permanent. If he would enter the void forever he could. Expression through art, music e.t.c? It was nice but it wasnt coping. He always loved music, he would never take art away from his little brother even though leos the one who taught him. It just wasn't the same anymore. Writing and/or playing just set it in stone, made it true. Added another reminder of how much he failed as a living breathing organism. Breathing wasnt an option.

Sleeping didnt work. Insomnia was a massive dick. And when it wasnt, nightmares were an even bigger dick. He'd take sleeping pills but the idea of having a bottle of medication all to himself brought up the fact he'd definetly be tempted to empty said bottle into his mouth and then sit on the edge of a roof top. Or maybe take the whole bottle then go on a run with his brothers and have them watch him trip off a building, splattering on the ground, breaking bones. They'd be so worried about the fall they wouldnt think to ask what had happened. By the time they figured out it was an overdose it'd be too late.

Some twisted part of leo categorised that thought into his favourites, saving it for later if he decided to take the medication. He couldnt help the comfort that came with such a forgiving fate.

Fictional indulgence only worked so much, especially his brothers started to think he was going insane with the amount of extra memory problems and dissociation it caused. Fictional indulgence until he couldnt remember the difference between what happened in his stories and what happened in real life. It was fun and confusing, but as soon as donnie wanted to do a brain scan to check for possible damages relating to amnesia he decided to stop. That was too much work to deal with, too hard to explain; stopping was easier.

He could pretend to sleep, as he often did when he didnt want to get out of bed and one of his brothers would come to get him. He'd pretend to be asleep, and if he brothers saw and chose to 'wake him up' for food or some family activity he would pretend to be sleepy. He'd act as if he he was barely cognizant, half awake mumbling mostly incoherently and pretending he couldnt keep his eyes open. They always cooed at him, gently rubbing his head or shell 'lulling him back to sleep', telling him not to worry about it and he could sleep more. He'd reluctantly accept it as if he wanted to get up and then slowly droop his eyes and even out his breathing, relaxing his muscles to mimic sleep.

Sometimes they'd stay for a little bit, watching over him as if expecting him to disapear. Leo wished their fears would come true. Sometimes they'd leave as soon as they made sure he was 'sleeping'. They always seemed proud of themselves, or sad that he wasnt joining them.

Leo couldnt find it in himself to care.

Moral of the story, he had tried everything. Leo had genuinely tried every single 'healthy' coping mechanism he and google could think of.

Now he was currently out in the middle of the night in the hidden city. His brothers were all sleeping, as he probably should be. But he was so bored and tired and sad and just- dull. It was an overwhelming amount of just sad relating feelings that when anger came- oh boy when anger came it was a nightmare.

He would yell and scream and pick fights while acting innocent, because he knew what would make his brothers explode. If he did it 'unknowingly', casually, innocently and sweetly he could plead the fith. Argue back on defense as if he wasnt the one on offence. It made it look as if it wasnt his fault, which just made it easier to do because his brothers would calm down and apologise for saying such "horrible untrue mean disgusting" things to their brother they loved so much and leo would forgive them as if he was ever mad. He picked those fights to hear those horrid things because it justified they way he felt. They way he viewed himself.

He always was the one his pops fought with the most. The least favourite. It was the thing that brought leo to the hidden city tonight instead of his regular up top routine. Its one of the reasons Leo was so confused when splinter made him the leader. Sure leos a good leader now, he does his job and that's all it is. A job. He was still a little brother though, the second youngest. For donnie to admit they were twins he had to admit he was the younger twin (which he was anyways). So it was well within his rights to act how he did.

It wasnt his fault he was the screw up- and his dad always knew. He knew ever since leo could remember. Atleast he wasnt throwing him into walls tonight. Yelling at him repeatedly just asking him what the fuck was wrong with him. He cant even remember what he did to start tonights fight, but his dad told him he wasnt worth speaking to and sent him to his room. None of his brothers came further than his bedroom door.

Then he remembered what the argument was about. He said he wasnt hungry, mikey and raph were practically trying to force food down his throat. He was never hungry nowadays, but tonight chewing and swallowing was just too much effort. They were taking away some of the only control that he was supposed to have in his fucked up life. He either needed to be controlled fully or needed to be in control. Being controlled worried his brothers, so he currently settled for the latter.

He got angry and told them to "fuck off and leave me alone", accidentally hitting the food onto the floor.

Pops yelled at him for his language and told him to clean the mess up. Leo refused. It wasnt his fault no one ever listened to anything he said. This made his father angrier.

"learn to take responsibility for your selfish actions and think about the way you treat your family, you're ungrateful blue" the nickname made leo fume.

Splinter called all his children by their colours, but he called them by their names sometimes. Leo had never heard his dad call him by his name. He'd heard him call his brothers their names.

"Raphael"

"Michelangelo"

"Donatello"

"blue"

Never leonardo.

Leo told his dad he could fuck right off with that bullshit and he didnt give a fuck what he thought, and splinter told him to go to his room without dinner. He wasnt worth the time. He yelled a bit more about how splinter could go to hell. Well good, leo thought. He didnt want to eat anyways. Look maybe it was an over-reaction, but leo split on people like that. He did it to his brothers all the time, his anger issues were a bit of a problem. But they werent allowed to be a part of being the face man so he had to learn to control it. Sometimes he couldnt, he got in these moods. On top of the world nothing matters i dont card, anger anger rage more anger and depression going to kill myself

Leo used to wish he was good enough, used to cry and cut and restrict and purge and train and attempted night after night after night. He used to plead at his fathers feet to tell him how to be better. That was a sometimes thing now in comparison to an every night thing. During the depressive episodes where he'd seriously try to kill himself. Anger was "im going to kill myself out of spite", depressive episode was "i hate myself i cant live in this world im going to kill myself" and the i dont care mood was "yay suicide! lets go i dont care about being alive to be honest LOL". It was a thing leo pretened was normal.

His dad wasnt bad, he was never like this with the others because the others werent failures. They didnt pick fights or ruin everything or be a screw up their entire lives. But he always had been. He was always the annoying crybaby as a child, his father grew tired of it. He was a good dad. Leo just wasnt a good son. A good brother. A good person. He accepted that no matter what no one would see him as any different.

Leo was walking through the empty streets, most sane yokai sleeping at this hour. Right now it was an "i dont give a flying fuck come at me im immortal" mood compared to last nights outburst. He heard commotion in an alley-way, there was a snake yokai, whos shape and build resembled leos own but without the shell. He was being cornered by a few thug looking yokai. Leo was quick to take them down, chase them off. It wasnt a big deal to him.

"dude thanks! that was sick" the snake yokai smiled, putting his hand out for a fistbump.

Leo bumped, smirking.

"no sweat man. just happend to be walking past" leo breezed through conversation, this guy was pretty easy going.

"it was awesome, any way i can thank you?" he asked.

He was an inch or 2 taller than leo, built a bit stronger as well compared to leos lanky toned figure. The only reason leo could take those guys down, and this snake yokai couldnt would have been leos training. He wore black eyeliner that was slightly smudged, his split tongue and fangs added to his edgy punk look. He was wearing a black hoodie and baggie grey jeans; leo himself was wearing a similar outfit of dark blue and black.

"unless ya got anything fun that can spice up my life, no thanks needed" leo said with a chuckle. The guy thought for a second and then curiously pulled something out of his pocket.

"i got some weed on me. theres a lighter and rolling paper in there too if you want to try that" the guy said with a casual smile.

Leos brain should have let off warning signals at the illegal substance, but it didnt. Must have been the brain damage from being beaten to death.

"dude sweet, thanks" leo said taking the items. He hadnt really tried weed before, he had some weak ass edibles once but that was it. They didnt do anything but this would.

"no problem. thats all i got on me, but its enough for like 2 joints- hey i get it pretty regularly, my names milo. do you want my number if you end up wanting more?" milo offers, holding his hand out.

"sure, the names leo. ill definetly take you up on that offer" the slider says, putting his phone in milos open hand.

"cool. i just put my number in, maybe we can smoke together sometime. thanks again!" the snake yokai says with a lopsided smile, handing leos phone back with a wave and walking down the street and out of sight.

Leo looks at the baggie in his hand, using the other to light the lighter and hold it close to his face as the flame danced. Fire was pretty. Dangerous. This was useful. This was a coping mechasim that might actually work. And it was fun. The exhilarating feeling you get from doing something you want to do but knowing you're not supposed to is all the convincing leo needed to take the substance.

But not tonight, leo had already been out too long. His brothers would be up soon, meaning it was only a matter of time before they forced him out of bed to make sure he didnt wither away after the argument with their father. Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they would let him wither away, wishing for him to rot after being such an asshole.

Chapter Text

By the time he got out of his head, he realised he was already back in his room. Must have portalled. He shoved his things that he didnt want his brothers getting into all the way under his bed in the corner against the wall. His brothers rarely came in his room and stayed for long, and they never came in knowing he wasnt in there. Leo was always very very particular about his room being HIS room. But when mikey had a nightmare and came to his room in the middle of the night the youngest wasnt turned away. Or when donnie came in to talk and then fell asleep in his bed. His older twin wasnt woken up and kicked out, even knowing his insomnia wasnt nearly as bad as the sliders. And never when raph came in after leo had a particularly nasty argument with his pops to offer comfort. Leo didnt want comfort, he wanted to be left alone. But in those situations he needed someone in his corner. So he acted sad, cried his eyes out and pretended to asleep so he didnt have to deal with it.

There were some days where leo didnt care if his brothers were on his or his pops side, telling himself it didnt matter because it really didnt. He never expressed that though. He kept up the act. The act was begining to grow boring though, he'd slowly let it up and let his family get a taste of the real Hamato Leonardo. Pops wanted a fight? He was going to get one very, very soon.

Basically Leo just tried to keep bonding activities to other rooms.

He laid in bed, awake but not aware. It was the easiest past time. He didnt know how long he was there but at some point there was a knock on the door. Leo didnt answer, why would he answer? It was a depressive morning. The moods usually lasted a few hours, sometimes they lasted less then a hour. It was weird. Leo only cared when the depression came and he cared about how much of a fuck up he was. Hes been like this for years, the suicidal thoughts starting to come out when he was around 14. Thats how he got the designated title of "tantrum child" with his angry outbursts and intense social isolation when depressed. His i dont care moods were just 'happy' moods.

He found at a very early age that if he said the right things he could make anything right or wrong, and when the right times were to say nothing at all.

Sometimes with his family it depended on the situation because it was hard to talk and make things right or wrong if no one ever listened to anything he had to say. So that was the tactic sometimes, but lately he had perfected quickly saying the right thing to get what he wants, making it simple instead of explaining like he wanted to. He knew how his family worked so he knew how to get a certain reaction out of them.

There was another knock, another beat of silence followed with a sigh. The door creaked open and someone walked in and stopped by the bed. Leo kept still; his eyes shut, relaxed, even breathing. He grew good at this act as soon as he turned thirteen.

The footsteps werent loud and heavy, so they definetly werent raphaels. The oldest could be silent when he wanted to, but leo could always tell whos footsteps were whose. They werent Michelangelos. Mikey always had a certain pep in his step- even if someone had just died or something. His footsteps remain the same.

It definetly wasnt pops. He never came to leo for this- correction. He did one time. It was a year ago, maybe a little more. It was about a week or two after shredder, hes not sure he honestly cant find it in him to remember, and leo hadnt gotten out of bed in three days. It was a mix of pretending to sleep and actually being asleep but no matter what the three did they couldnt get their blue clad brother to get up. They didnt know he pretended to sleep as well, so him sleeping for three days was worrying. They didnt know what to do. Donnie considered just dragging leo put of bed but mikey interjected immediately, pointing out how bad leos anger had been lately and it wouldnt end badly.

Long story short, they went to dear old dad to get their brother up. At first he said blue was just being lazy and he'd get up eventually, but with mikey begining to cry with worry splinter quickly changed his mind. He went to leonardos room and forced him up. It turned into a... not so small argument and that was the end of it. Leo got up and acted like he didnt know his brothers had been listening and watching. He acted as if everything was fine. Because he believed it was fine, he got real good at supressing his emotions.

His twin was in his room, thats who came to see him. Leo didnt move.

"nardo, wake up" donnie said monotonously, not a harsh tone. He was still gentle. Leo would be thankful, but donnie yelling at him wouldnt make a difference. It wasnt like he wouldnt deserve it.

"nardo wake up" donnie repeated, shaking leos shoulder.

Now he had to atleast 'wake up'. He'd probably just put on the tired act, it was easy. Simple. Believable. The morning show begun. Fucking hurray. Today really wasnt a good morning type mood.

He groaned sleepily, curling in on himself and squinting his eyes. He heard donnie sigh with what he'd assume was relief, his scientist brother always assumed the worst or noticed nothing wrong at all. It was a mixture.

Slowly leo opened his eyes, rubbing them sluggishly and faking a yawn, looking up towards his older twin.

"whadda you wan' dee..." leo mumbled, snuggling into his blankets slightly.

He watched as donnies eyes furrowed concerned and took that as his que to let his eyes droop closed, relaxing his body back into his bed. There was another shake of his shoulder, this time a little more forceful.

"nardo you need to get up" donnie said, sounding more like an order. His older brother instincts that the soft shell insists he doesnt have must have been kicking in.

Leo whined and mumbled a quiet "no go 'way" staying exactly where he was.

"nardo come on you slept 86% of yesterday and all night last night. you shouldnt be this tired, are you feeling sick?" that made leo reopen his eyes.

He didnt need his brothers to worry about him, then they'd smother him with things he didnt need because they didnt understand the situation. Granted they didnt understand because leo lied and pretended, but that didnt make it better.

"m okay tello, just got a bit of a headache. and you know even when i get a normal nights sleep insomnia still makes me tired cause of all the lost sleep" leo huffed out quietly, pretending to still be waking up fully.

He sat up and stretched his arms above his head, pulling down and looking towards his twin with a lopsided smile. Leos pajamas got destroyed during the shredder, and he could never bring himself to get a new pair so he slept with either nothing or in a hoodie if it was cold.

He shuffled closer and leaned himself onto his brothers plastron. He knew his brother wasnt the fondest of touch, but he had to sell the act. He knew feeding into the protective older brother mindset would work to his advantage. Donnie was always the most indulgent when it came to leo, always understanding and being on his side despite having the emotional range of a tea spoon. He rarely fought against him, but then again he wouldnt always stand up for him either. Thats a thought for later. Besides comfort from his tello was nice, its the more healthy thing he craved in his life.

"ok. get out of bed and come with me. ill get you painkillers and water, michael has made breakfast that you will eat" donnie said, patting leos shell with one of his mechanical arms. Leo only hummed in response, letting silence fill the room and taking advantage of the comforting embrace delaying donnie from forcing him out into the real world.

"hey nardo are... are you feeling okay after well, last night." the fight. His extremely awkward brother was referring to the fight, if you could even call it that. Leo thought about it, and he come to the conclusion he didnt know. He thinks he desensitised to it, but maybe hes just suppressing his emotions. Either way he pulls back to look his big brother in the eyes and plasters on a smile. Not too wide and cocky, he wants it to look genuine, be believable.

"yea tello im okay" leo admits softly, warm smile gracing his lips. Donnie scans his face for a moment, trying to find the lie. He doesnt, and mirrors leos smile with his own, genuine and kind.

The disaster twins leave the room, walking towards the kicthen where their warm colour-coded brothers sit. Both were eating, casually chatting about something random.

Leo sat down at his usual spot at the end of the table next to donnies chair, watching as his genius brother fetched him water and meds. There was already a plate of fluffy pancakes infront of him. Leo never really liked pancakes, but then again he never really liked being alive either. Funny how that works. Guess he should just suck it up and get on with it-

"morning leon!" mikey chirped happily, taking a massive bite out of his pancake stack.

Leo flashed him a bright smile, giggling at his little brother. In reality he wasnt giggling at mikey, that was a slip up. He imagined a scenario, killing himself in his head. It was like a video game. He killed himself by putting on hand in game leos jaw and one digging his fingers into his eyes for something to grip on to. He pulled hard and ripped his head in half. Big red letters had appeared "congratulations!". It was a funny scenario, or atleast real life leo thought so.

"how'd you sleep?" Raph asked. It was his caring yet skeptical tone. Accusing but not maliciously intended, just washed with worry. Just usual mother hen things.

"i slept good thanks big man" leo hummed back, taking a bite out of his pancakes to avoid saying any more. The taste was bitter on his tongue in contrast with the actual fluffy sweet texture. It wasnt a foreign feeling when eating.

"here nardo take this" donnie set 2 pills down on the table along with the cup of water, taking his own seat next to his twin and continuing his half eaten breakfast.

Leo was the medic, he knew you shouldnt take medication for no reason but it didnt matter to him. Donnie got to play big brother who saves the day; even if he wasnt medically trained donnie had unfiltered access to the internet and leo had trained him in basic first aid like he had all of them.

"whats that for?" Raph questioned, chasm appearing.

"woke up with a headache, no biggie" leo said casually while downing the pills, taking a sip from the water. It was plausible with all the recent yelling and sleeping that caused lack of food and water, thats why donnie was so quick to believe it.

Raph looked to his fellow older sibling for comfirmation. They knew leo tended to lie about his health, being the medic they thought leo just liked to handle things himself. This wasnt the case obviously, but its just another thing they assumed from lies and false personalities. To be fair they werent totally wrong though, leo liked to be in control. He hated the feeling of having his life in someone elses hand unless he got into that 'controlled' mindset. But this got a better reaction out of his brothers then being controlled did.

Donnie nodded his head, and that was enough for raphs chasm to go away and have him eating his pancakes once again. The four conversed in between bites, except mikey who didnt know how not to talk with his mouth full or chew with his mouth closed. Leo and donnie always gagged and covered their ears, donnie would usually imeadiatly raise his voice and repremand his brother. Raph never really understood it, but went along with it because it was basic table manners. The twins sensory issues and just plain sensitivity to grossness would go haywire and donnie was very vocal about it compared to leo. Ironic considering leos the annoying one who doesnt shut his mouth.

All in all everything was well until they were almost finished, donnie and leo were still eating. Splinter walked in. Leo didnt speak, he continued to listen to his brothers talk without adding his own input.

Leo purposely made sure his mouth was full when their dad said good morning, him being the only one to not respond.

"what, blue. cant saying good morning to your father?" his pops questioned lightly. It was a jab, he could hear the lingering resentment from last night. Leo quickly swallowed his food, feeling a fouler mood crawl up inside him.

"sorry pops. little hard to talk with a mouth full, thats disgusting. but goodmorning!" leo said in a happy-go-lucky tone that was... a little passive aggressive. It was supposed to make his dad mad, he said the right things for it. His cheery innocent tone made sure he couldnt express it infront of his brothers though. They'd get mad and go protective brother mode. Leo could even cry if splinter yelled at him to really sell it. That would be fun.

Splinter was definetly mad, but didnt respond. He made his tea, thanked mikey for breakfast and took it to the media room to sit in his chair.

"leo ya really needa watch how ya speak to pops" raph sighed, a stern look on his face.

Leo plastered on an innocent and confused look. His puppy eyes worked their magic perfectly every single time because his brothers didnt know he used them like mikey did. Thats how he got more. He could even use them on the youngest.

"what do you mean raphie? i didnt say anything mean, or in a mean way. i dont understand" leo said lightly, tilting his head slightly to the side. He was still supposed to be sleepy and having a headache, so the vulnerability that he let seep into his child-like tone was perfect for the situation.

Donnie took one look at leo and turned to raph

"yea raph what do you mean?" donnie asked confused and accusatory. Leo would bust out the waterworks to get donnie on his side in this if raph stuck to it. Mikey would come as well after seeing leo 'so upset and confused'. Little brothers were loyal to little brothers. Well most the time, if mikey started out on raphs side he'd eventually come around.

"did i... do something wrong?" leo mumbled, looking down, letting his eyes gloss over.

Deep down leo knew all the 'fake emotions' he put on stemmed from how he truly felt, but that knowledge was pushed deep and ignored. How was being depressed and this mentally ill supposed to be fun? Its much better to treat it as a game.

He looked like he acted more serious on missions, taking the leader role earnestly. His plans were mostly carried carried out flawlessly, except for when someone went against his orders.

Even though he was now seen as a responsible leader, he treated his life as a game. It was just a game and the leader level was just one to complete and he could only do that by being serious.

Raphs stern eyes met leos bright glossy innocent eyes as he looked up, and boy did raph cave.

"nono lee- you didnt do anything wrong dont worry about it. guess pops just in a bad mood" raph said kindly, panicking at the sight of his shiny eyed little brother and offering a big smile.

Raph was the oldest, as the oldest he always has the high ground. He forgets that most of the time because of how sweet he is to his brothers. He indugles in their anticts while keeping them safe, that usually doesnt include leo. He never approves of what the slider is doing, but raph cant control him. He knows that much.

Leo still had to sell it, so he gave his own small, shy smile and mumbled "mkay", going back to the last of his pancakes. He saw donnie shoot raph a slight glare as if to ask "what the hell was that" but there was clearly no grudge held.

Its not like leo didnt care about his family or their feelings, they were the most important thing in the world to him. Which is why he had to... whats a nice word for manipulate? Influence? It'll work. Influence their feelings and thoughts when it came to him. If he didnt, and he didnt lie about how he felt, hes completely sure they'd be horrified. Its not manipulation so much as hiding. And that was true! Hes not trying to justify it as if its bad, that's genuinely just how it is.

If he didnt do what he just did, his dad would have made another comment no matter if leo said goodmorning, which would have started another fight. If he didnt say it in the tone he did his father would have been able to voice his anger, starting another fight. If he didnt act like an innocent puppy at raphs accusations it would have started another fight.

It was all to keep the peace. If they truly knew how much of a screw up low life waste of space good for nothing wasteful selfish toxic lying disgusting disturbed insane mentally ill person he really was then they'd probably be devestated.

Even though leo was the resident family fuck up and everyone knew, his influence kept the family from anarchy on more than one occasion.

He knew his brothers loved him, its a thing he acknowledges. Thats why he does it. No matter how much they dont listen to him or trust him or even the fact they think hes super duper annoying- they still loved him because they're brothers.

Raphael was the oldest, leo was his little brother. He might not be the youngest but he was on of his younger brothers and raph saw him as one to protect, love a nurture. Even if he was harder on leo. Mikey was the one to shield and protect, donnie was the one he could talk to on a more 'adult level'. Leo was just... a pain in the ass. His pain in the ass nonetheless.

Donatello was his twin, older by a mere few hours that put their birthdays on a seperate day. They always ignored it and had conjoined parties. But he was still leos older brother, and the amount leo clung to him definetly influenced how overly-protective the scientist is of him. In donnies eyes: raph was the fellow older brother, mikey was a child, and leo was his other half that was slightly younger than him. He cared about all of them equally, leo just got special treatment. It was a cool colour-coded brothers thing.

Michaelangelo was the youngest, but he looked up to leo for everything. They were little menaces to be trifled with. Where do you think mikey learned the puppy eyed begging face? Leo, the master manipulator of course. Mikey went to leo for almost everything. Raph was his biggest brother who could protect him with his size and would get him in trouble for swearing. Donnie was his second biggest brother, indulging in mikeys antics more but still stern and protective. Leo was his big brother, but he was also a younger sibling. Something they bonded over when being the most painfully loveable brats they could be. Leo didnt get him in trouble for swearing, he taught him to. Leo did fun things with him while watching out for him. Leo didnt spit facts about dream states or go into mother hen mode when he had a nightmare, no. Leo always knew exactly what mikey needed and it always made the youngest happy.

A part of leos brain only liked it because it proved he was useful for something. Another said it was just that he was the coolest funniest awesomest big brother mikey had. Raph was too over-bearing and donnie didnt do emotions very often, especially when that person wasnt leo. Mikey and raph were never jealous of their bond or got upset that leo got more donnie affection time, dubbing it a twin thing. They were perfectly okay with it and thought it was adorable, especially considering as a kid donnie was the only one who could calm down leos tantrums and meltdowns before they turned violent. Same with donnies sensory overloads that were more common than leos, he always knew what the other needed. Leo knows he'll always be seen as the little brother like mikey though. Just not little enough to not start fights with, but little enough to fake innocence and have it work every. single. time.

If all else fails, break out the crocodile tears and run away right?

He knows no matter what bond or how useful he is, he'll never be a favourite. April and donnie were eachothers favourites, raphs and mikey were eachothers favourites. Pops was always ready to talk with raph, indulge in mikey. He said donnie was the funniest and he definetly loved april.

Sometimes he thinks of doing the whole dramatic running away scene, but changing the ending to him jumping off the ledge of a rooftop while his brothers beg him to stay.

That was caragorised into his favourite thoughts as well, in case one day he felt it all to be too much and just let out his feelings in an orchestrated manner before ending it all.

Chapter Text

"ok mis hermanos! whats on the agenda for today" leo brightened up, his mood doing a 180° that almost gave raph whiplash. The brothers always thought it was weird how leo did that. They never knew which leo they'd be talking to, his mood swings happening every single day, sometimes more.

"april is going to come over soon but other then that there is nothing scheduled" donnie said as if he was reading off a script, scrolling on his wrist watch.

"cool cool cool" leo said, taking the last bite of his pancakes and taking his plate to the sink.

"hey lee can you teach me to do that skate trick you were doing the other day? the thingy that's sort of a kick flip but-"

"a varial kickflip?" leo asked with a smile. Skateboarding was 'his thing'. They all knew how to skate, but leo was the first to learn and knew the most. He was pretty awesome if he said so himself. Mikey was a little too young and impatient to learn with him, raph thought it was too dangerous and donnie didnt have an interest in it. His pops didnt have an interest in him. Sooooo! He learnt to do it so that he had something.

"yea that thing! it looked cool and i cant do it can you pleasepleasePLEASE teach me" mikey begged with a pout, jumping up and down in his spot. Leo chuckled at the attempted manipulation mikey pulled, placing a hand on his brothers head.

"sure miguel, but you need to work on that pout. 5/10. you can do a heel flip and a front shove right?" leo asked with a grin.

"uhhh... yea? probably? i dont know tricks by names leo you know this!" mikey complained like a whiney child. Leo laughed and shook his head, offering to show him what he meant and explaining that he should learn those two moves before he taught him the varial. Mikey nodded excitedly and sped off to get his board leo fixed up for him when he was 12 and leo was 13, the age leo started teaching his brothers the basics of skating.

Leo was about to follow mikey out to retrieve his own deck when raph put a hand on his shoulder. Leo could feel a lecture coming, it brought the foul mood closer to the surface.

"are you sure this is safe? i dont want you skating while you've got a headache" raph said, chasm showing. Leo knew without a doubt what that statement really meant, and he wished raph would just be honest and say it rather then pretending. That was his thing. It meant "i dont want you messing up because you're off your game and hurting mikey. i dont trust you". A chill of rage flew over leos body, raph thought he would put their baby brother in danger? right, because hes the screw up.

"my headaches gone raph you know i wouldnt let mikey get hurt. besides ive been skating since i was seven, im not stupid" leo bit out, turning with a bright smile that contradicted his tone. Raph still looked skeptical, but then confused.

"wait since you were seven? i thought you started at twelve" raph asked. Yea that was the age he fully revealed the fact that he skated because his oldest brother was against it since it was deemed 'unsafe'. The a year later he taught his brothers to skate.

"yea well you wouldnt let me so i had to hide it. what you think i got this good in a couple years? cmon raphie im fifteen and you guys havent had much time or interest to practice, especially with the whole saving the world fiascos but ive been doing this since i was seven! seven, ael. ive a brother a little trust here hermano" leo said, patting his older brothers shoulder casually then walking out with his hands resting on his head.

Raphael really thought he knew everything huh? He didnt know fucking shit. None of them did.

"okay mikey hurry up and get down here so i can show you!"

Mikey ended up knowing the two tricks, needing some extra practice before he could do them properly. Leo then demostrated the varial kickflip, showing his brother where to place his feet and the best stances throughout the trick for the best balance. The youngest fell down a few times at the start, but he started to get the hang of it after a couple hours. He then landed the trick perfectly for the first time and collapsed on the floor.

"ohmigosh leo look i did it! that was exhausting how the heck do you do that constantly. i need a nap" mikey cried dramatically from the floor. Leo chuckled at his little brother, knowing he would be bouncing off the walls for the next few hours before passing out for bed.

"its all about practice my dear brother, once you know how to do it all you gotta do is practice! i think thats enough for you today, you did real good! you still gotta have enough energy to drive pril nuts when she comes over" leo said, squatting and patting his brothers plastron.

Mikey jumped up, squeezing leo in a tight hug thanking him. He ran off somewhere with his board, screaming distantly about how he was the best brother ever. Leo couldnt help the fond smile that graced his lips. He loved his brothers with everything in him.

Leo stood up, taking his board over to the slightly small make-shift half pipe they had in the lair. It was a present from donnie for his twelfth birthday, much to raphs disapproval.

He pulled out his phone, clicking on a playlist full of spanish rock/screamo and turned the volume up. He knew his brothers didnt like it, but he did. It got him in the mood to skate, sue him. He placed his phone on the ground and climbed to the ledge.

He was going to do some flips and jumps on it, not in the mood to try anything complex or unfamiliar. He noticed raph walked into the room and quietly watch him. He pretended not to notice and kept doing what he was doing. That was until he paused his fucking music.

"Junto a la fuente en la que un día juré
Que jamás querría tanto a una mujer
Rezo en silencio por tenerte otra-"

"raphala please explain to me why you turned off my sweet sweet tunes" leo said, continuing to skate. Raph seemed to be waiting for leo to stop, but he wouldnt give him the satisfaction. If he wanted him to stop he'd have to ask.

"i wanted to talk to you. you seemed... a little irritated this morning, i thought maybe it was because of last night and wanted to see if you were doing okay buddy" ah so this was a 'buddy' conversation. Gotcha.

"im chill raphie, dont make that chasm any bigger" leo said, still partially ignoring his big brother. Raph sighed and walked closer.

"leo look at me when im talking to you" it was the big brother voice, once the leader voice. Strong, stern, commanding. Leo kicked his board up into his hands and walked to meet raphs gaze, his facial expression full of young ignorance and innocence, eyes holding a challenging glint.

"go on then raphie, talk. i was doing something" leo said, reaching down to pick up his phone.

"dont take that tone with me leo, im trying to help" raph said frusteratedly, raising his voice a touch. Leo saw it coming, he put on a sheepish smile and let his hands shake slightly while holding them up in a surrender.

"woah big guy i genuinely dont know what you're talking about. sorry for whatever i did though, i dont wanna argue" leo said, lowering his tone to shift the power in the situation. He had to let raph look like he was the person in power. He was honest when he said he didnt want to argue, and if raph got mad well leo would either get angry and scream, or he'd shut down.

"leo you know exactly what im talking about! you- whatever. you always want an argument but never a conversation. why do you have to be so difficult" raph started to raise his voice, muttering the last bit under his breath. Leo still heard it, and the flash of guilt on raphs face told him he noticed the look of hurt and sadness that washed over leos face.

The look was controlled, told to go there. Orchestrated perfectly to make raph realise what he said was a dick thing. It didnt mean the feelings were fake, leo felt them. He chose to ignore them and pretend to pretend.

Leo was accused of loving to argue his whole life- he hated arguing. Hes yelled and screamed about it before. Everytime he tried to explain himself it turned into an argument so after getting over the whole sobbing profusely in his bed every night about how no one listens to him he decided to work it to his advantage. Growing up the tantrum child, he was still the child no one worried about. Heck he is the child no one has to worry about. Donnie had his soft shell, mikey was the baby and raph was the phsycial size of a house with a heart even bigger. Leo was just leo.

"y-yea okay raphie. im gonna go see what don trons doing before april comes over later" leo said quietly, almost a whisper. He smiled sadly, letting his lip quiver and eyes go shiny for the second time today. That was sure to tip raph over the edge.

"wait leo i didnt- im-"

"its all good hermano! ttly" leo said with a peace sign, running off in the direction of donnies lab. His foul mood was back, turning into one more sad and pissy compared to angry.

Leo walked into donnies lab, the doors being closed but not locked. Even if they were locked with the normal lock leo knew the passcode. The only way he couldnt get in is if the lab doors were locked with donnies thumb print, which was surprisingly rare.

"hey dee dee!" leo chirped, sitting on the ground next to donnie sitting on his chair.

"what do you want nardo" his twin said without looking up from his project. Leos fake happy mood flattened, he was immediately bored. Annoying his brother didnt feel as fun right now with his down mood.

"why do you assume i want something?" leo asked, not looking up at his brother who still hasnt looked down.

"because you only call me dee dee when you want something" donnie said flatly.

Leo sighed quietly, laying his head on his brothers thigh.

"jus' wanted to know if i could sit in here while you work. im bored" leo said. That made donnie look down, leo felt his gaze but didnt look up.

"werent you teaching michael skate tricks?" donnie questioned, putting the tool in his hands down. Leo picked at his nails, keeping his head down and leaning in his brothers lap.

"yea he got tired and ran off somewhere, i was skating by myself" leo mumbled, semi-distracted fiddling with his fingers. Sometimes it was hard for him to fully focus on multiple things at once. Sometimes he needed mutliple things at once to not go stir crazy, it was a mixture.

"ok but you enjoy skating by yourself" donnie countered, stubborn as ever. He was too emotionally declined to just ask if leo was okay normally, so he basically interrogated him into giving him the answer.

"yea and then raph came. look i dont have to be in here. just tell me to leave and ill leave" leo said, making it simple for his brother. He knew he wouldnt make him go, not right now. Whatever he was doing wasnt dangerous and he wasnt fixated on it enough to force his brother out.

"you can stay, dont touch my stuff. Im building shelldon a new armor shell and i do not want you playing with tools." donnie responded. Leo wouldnt touch, even if he did he wouldnt break anything. The scientist knew that. Donnie knew leo was smart, he just wasnt interested in science. Leo always helped him with coding though, that was something small they shared. Somehow leo always managed to find flaws in his coding, helping donnie fix them up then watching him assemble whatever it was that needed the code.

They sat there for a while, silently with the acception of donnies muttering and typing after abandoning the hand tools. Leo always found donnies stupid science geekiness comforting, as well as his presence. For the first time in a while he willingly fell asleep, leaning his head into his brothers lap while sitting on the floor. As his eyes drooped, he felt a gentle hand on his head, the typing never ceasing. He smiled slightly, embracing the rare calm feeling that graced his mind and letting sleep overtake him.

He woke up wrapped in something soft, sitting on something firm but squishier compared to the cold ground. He felt around a little, it was donnies chair he was previously sitting next to. He heard voices, straining his hearing a little he heard it was donnie and raph.

"ael you need to stop being so tough on nardo constantly. i dont know what you did and i know im not the most emotionally inclined turtle but he seemed upset and mentioned you. and then this morning you cut the tension with a figurative knife after papa left KNOWING they fought last night. which was partially your fault b t dubs" donnie scolded.

"i didnt mean to he just made me angry, he never listens to anyone- and i was just trynna help!" raph defended, not liking the fact he was being scolded by his younger brother.

"you're always the hardest on him. all it does is add to papa being the hardest on him for curie knows why. look. it doesnt even matter that much. just dont question him so much and lay off"

The conversation died out there, leo grew bored and tuned them out, returning back to sleep. When he awoke next it was from a warm hand stroking his face, aprils.

He slowly opened his eyes, blinking sluggishly and looking up to meet her warm eyes.

"mornin baby blue, lookin cozy all wrapped up there" april cooed, grinning at the turtle.

"hi apes!" leo grinned, bouncing out of his blanket cocoon and going in for a hug. April caught him with a laugh, quickly setting him down before she fell. Leo hasnt been as fond of touch like he used to since the whole kraang thing. He still didn't talk about what happened in the prison dimension. But this was april! And he could be a very clingy turtle.

"hows your day been?" leo asked with a smile. He loved april, shes been family since he was nine and she was eleven, she was one of their only human friends. Cass and Junior were trying to resume normal not foot clan or kraang related lives together as more brother and sister instead of mother and son, but they still came around sometimes.

April always managed to make him smile. It was a big sister thing.

"im good lee! right now is my designated study break so i thought id come over and watch a movie. the others are making popcorn. hows my favourite blue boy doing?" april said in her usual cheery tone.

"being the awesomest, coolest and hottest as per usual 'pril, cmon! we gotta go before they start the movie without us!" leo dragged april out by the hand, listening to her laugh. She was 18 with college classes now so she wasnt around just as much as before, but her schedule was much more flexible.

April yelled through her laughs, telling leo to be careful or she'd trip.

"guys look aprils here!" leo cheered, bringing april into another hug. The older just patted his shell, shaking her head fondly.

"oh nardo we did not know that. it is not as if that is the whole reason we are setting up a movie with popcorn, he said sarcastically" donnie said, sarcastically. Leo just rolled his eyes and pulled april to his overly large beanbag that he rarely shared.

The five got settled and put on the lego batman movie which had leo commenting on how fruity the joker was the entire time. He couldnt help it! Of course as the resident gay boy he had to comment on it. Sure none of them were straight... but leo was the only gay one okay. Let him have this.

The movie finished, april said she had to get back to studying, much to leos (and the others he guessed) dismay. He didnt want the light feeling to go away. Was it happiness? Or was it a distraction from the constant previous nothingness. Leo didnt know, he didnt care. He didnt want it to go away.

But it had to, april left and his brothers split up to do their own things. Mikey went off to start on dinner, making leo realise he must have missed lunch. At some point, guessing that it was while he was asleep. Donnie went into his lab again, typing seriously on his phone. Raph went to his room to train, he could hear the faint sounds of a punching bag in the distance. That left leo alone.

He couldnt leave now, his brothers would freak when they came to find him and he wasnt there. They would ring and message him, he wouldnt answer because why the fuck would he answer? Donnie would track his phone, or he'd look at the tracker he insisted he didnt plant in all four of them including himself. They'd find him, probably high, because he was definetly rolling a joint the first chance he got.

So he stayed in the living area on his beanbag, pulling out a pair of headphones.

He hadnt been wearing his mask as much while he wasnt around his family anymore. It was pretty noticeable when he went out alone, and it covered his red stripes. He used to hate them, thinking they made him look evil. But now he embraced them, showing them off. They reminded him of the colour of blood- or roses. Whatever. He liked his stripes and he still looked cute when he was maskless so it didnt matter. He mostly wore it around his brothers so they wouldnt give him the worried pity look when they saw his eyebags.

He pressed play on his music, a mixture of screamo and punk rock playing in english this time. He closed his eyes, letting music take over. The void was a much better place to be. Granted it wasnt a void, it was just leo slipping between awareness- possibly disassociating but he chose to ignore that and simply say the void. He had a slight problem with dissociation, one that he chose to pretend was interesting character traits.

He doesnt know how long he was laying there, but he was interrupted by his headphones being pulled away from his head. Opening his eyes, he sees raph looking down at him, face cringing.

"leo your music is so loud. at first i thought you were asleep again but as soon as i took this off it was like someone started a rock concert in the lair" raph joked awkwardly. Leo could tell he felt guilty about today, whatever donnie had said to him must have enforced that more.

He didnt say anything and continued staring at the snapper with a blank look on his face. Call him petty, but he wanted an apology. He really didnt care that much, but raph would wither away with guilt until he apologised. Leo being 'openly mad at him' would speed up the process.

"leo im- really sorry for what i said. i didnt mean it it sort of just came out." leo stared for a little too long, making raph uncomfortable and almost making him begin apologising again.

"all good big bro! i didnt really care, did you need me for something?" leo plastered on his usual grin, pausing the music on his phone so his headphones would go quiet. Raph sighed with relief, instantly looking lighter.

"yea mikeys finished with dinner, was wondering if you were comin to eat with us?" raph asked. Guess he was still feeling something towards what happened last night by not forcing leo to come eat.

He wasnt hungry, but he didnt want to cause something right now so he got up and smiled. Raph thought it looked strained but he chose to ignore it.

"course raphie! vàmonos!" leo said, trudging into the kicthen. His once bright appearance faded when he saw his dad at the table with his brothers, but said nothing and sat down.

The rat had been more present since the shredder, which was something leo didnt want to ruin for his family. Raph followed closely behind sat down in his seat.

"hey pops! hows your day been?" leo asked with a bright smile. Splinter looked at him for a moment before answering.

"it was good, blue. thank you for asking" was all he said in return.

"ooo mikey is this todds beef and vegetable stew recipie you were talking about? it smells really good hermano!" leo shot mikey a thumbs up after looking down at his bowl. Mikey excitedly told leo about how todd spent two hours teaching him how to make the dish perfectly. Leo listened and responded appropriately, then they all begun eating.

There was occasional casual chatter, none of which leo was directly involved in. Not that anyone noticed. He had his mouth full every time someone was remotely interested in talking to him, which made him feel a little self concious about his eating. He quickly reminded himself that is was purposeful and he wasnt some pig.

The five finished their dinner, all saying thanks to mikey and parting ways. Pops said goodnight to all his boys specifically, except for leo who was in the fridge. He pretended not to notice his dad was accidentally leaving without saying goodbye, shrugging it off and going to his room.

Chapter Text

Now that it was the middle of the night and everyone was asleep, leo could sneak out. He grabbed his stuff from under his bed, leaving behind most of his gear. He made a portal with one of his katana, leaving the other behind and stepping through. The smell of pollution quickly replaced the usual faint sewage stench he was used to. It reminded himself of how grateful he was donnie installed air vents to not just smell piss and shit constantly.

Usually he would run for a bit, playing with his tiny fear of heights. But tonight he had a reason he came up here. Something to do. Something fun. He took a seat on the roof, pulling out the paper and substance. He knew how to roll a joint, he'd seen people do it before. And so he made his first ever joint. He lit it with the lighter, the soft glowing fire near his face blending into his stripes not being covered by his mask. Without hesitation he took a drag, long and slow. He held it in for four seconds before blowing out slowly, trying to prevent the choking feeling rising in his throat. He coughed a little, then took another hit.

"stuff tastes like shit" leo mumbled.

Breathe in,

breathe out.

It didnt take him long to feel buzzed, and by the time he finished the joint he was high as a motherfucking kite. He loved the feeling. He felt so weightless, giddy almost. It was different to alcohol. He felt lighter, less likely to puke- and thoughtless. He felt like he could breathe for once. Time slowed and for the second time that day - wow thats a personal record - he felt an actual calmness spread over him, melting his worries away.

Melting his worries away? What worries, he couldnt think of any. Wait- what was he thinking about? He didnt know but man that cloud looked like a fucking seahorse.

He stayed on the roof for what felt like years, which was really just five hours, riding his first real high and enjoying this feeling of blissful ignorance. The effects were wearing off, and he was starting to sober up. He decided it was time to go back to the liar as his brothers would probably be waking up soon. It didnt matter if he wasnt fully sobered up, he was sober enough to walk in straight line and portal into his room so he was sober enough to go back to the liar.

When he got through, he immediately shoved the baggie back in its hiding place and pulled out his phone, letting music play in his room. It was quiet enough to not wake anyone up but loud enough that if you were awake you'd hear it. Leo laid on his floor, legs curled onto his bed.

Not too much later in the morning he heard voices outside his door. He was mostly sobered up by now, still feeling a slight fuzziness that wasnt really different from his regular fuzziness. Maybe he was fully sober. Eh, details.

"don i literally woke up an hour ago and all i have heard is this song over and over again. i dont wanna break down his door but its locked and-"

"-even doctor delicate touch threatened him dee! this is a twin job for sure for sure."

"wellll im looking at his vitals and hes not sleeping, or injured. i come to the conclusion he is ignoring you, dear brothers"

"Funky little monkey, she's a twisted trickster everybody wa-"

"NARDO OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW AND THERE SHANT BE ANY CONSEQUENCES" Ah. That was donnie with his lying nice voice. Now would be a good que to get up and let his brothers in right? Yea, he'll do that.

He got up off the floor, stretching his back, barely hearing the pops and cracks it made over the music. He walked over to his door, flipping the latch up and sliding it open with a lazy smile.

"buenos días, queridos hermanos míos. why are you all at my door so early this fine morning?" leo asked casually as if his phone wasnt at full volume on the floor. His brothers heard him speaking spanish enough to get the gist of what he was saying, not really understanding.

"maybe because raph went around the lair trying to figure out where the repeat of a singular nickleback song was coming from, only for you to ignore michael and raphs constant calls from outside your locked bedroom" donnie recieted, unimpressed with his brothers casual attitude.

"ohhh i didnt hear you till like five minutes ago, sorry! could've just texted me though" leo hummed along with the song, listening to the chorus replay again.

"speaking of, leo you think you could turn that off." raph asked, more or less telling leo to turn it off or else.

"havent you listened to that song enough? ive heard it play like atleast six times since i woke up!" mikey said dramatically and wildly incorrect, he had played it way more than six times since the box turtle woke up.

Leo shrugged, grabbing his phone and pressing pause on the song, chucking his phone onto the bed.

"that all you boys wanted?" leo asked with a lopsided smile, leaning against his doorframe crossing his arms. His brothers had no power in the situation, they couldnt do anything when leo wasnt willing to listen. Usually that would start a fight between atleast him and raph, but this was such a minuscule unimportant thing that he knew his big brother wouldnt start a yelling match over it.

"oh i don't know leo, care to explain why you've been playing the song over and over again all morning? did you even sleep?" raph asked, frustration flaring and chasm growing. Leo could do two things. He could either lie and say he woke up around the time raph started hearing the music, orrr the fun answer.

"nope, didnt sleep. this songs just too good hermano" leo said cheekily, smirking at his brothers.

"leo-" leo tuned out his brothers. He saw the looks they gave him when they looked at his eyebags. He could feel a serious health lecture brewing. And that could come from doctor feelings, possibly with a visit from doctor delicate touch. It could come from raph and he would either be angry worried or 'buddy' worried. Or it could come from donnie. Either way he could feel it coming eventually.

"dudes its not that serious its literally just insomnia. dont get all mad" leo said, interrupting whatever lecture he wasnt listening to with a wave of his hand, pushing them out of the way and walking towards the kitchen.

He made it to the kitchen and decided to make peppermint tea. His nose was feeling a bit blocked up, probably from how he was laying and being out all night. Peppermint tea was always good for that. He hummed the chorus to 'she keeps me up' as he waited for the kettle to boil. The song would be stuck in his head after playing it on repeat for around 3 hours, atleast until he played different music. He danced around a little, i mean who could blame him? nickelback was catchy as fuck. Especially the lyrics 'Funky little monkey, she's a twisted trickster
Everybody wants to be the sister's mister' i mean COME ON. How could his brothers be mad about that.

He felt eyes on him as he poured the water, watching as it slowly turned into a pee colour... ew. Tasted good though.

"want some tea miguel?" leo asked without looking behind him.

"im trying to figure out whether you're being honest and are actually in a good mood or lying and somethings going on" mikey said, squinting his eyes. Doctor delicate touch... leo got a cold shiver and turned around, sipping his tea.

"you're thinking into it wayyyy too much. ive literally been insomniac since i could remember" leo hummed, sipping his hot tea. Mikey contuined squinting, leo just rolled his eyes and walked out of the kicthen. He did not need to be there when raph and donnie showed up for a lecture.

Chapter Text

Two weeks later leo had made a habit of going out to get high almost every night, getting more weed off milo. Their schedules didnt really correlate with eachother that well so they often just had meeting spots where they'd drop stuff off. They texted every now and then. Tonight leo was meeting the snake yokai in the hidden to smoke together.

"hey hombre, whats good?" leo greeted, sitting down against a tree next to milo. They were in the middle of an empty park at 3am, deciding to just sesh under the tree.

"im good dude, hope you're ready. i got the good shit tonight" milo smirked, holding up a clear baggie with brownies. Leo cheered a quick "fuck yea" and grabbed the bag, breaking a brownie in half and chucking it into his mouth, offering the other half to his friend.

A few hours later the two had eaten three brownies each, both feeling their high die down and messing with eachother.

"so lelo, are you fruity or?" milo asked, making a gagging motion to represent being straight (joking). Leo giggled and nodded his head.

The two quickly gave eachother nicknames, both being the clingy type. Neither of them really had friends outside their family, just a couple friends that were basically family. So it was pretty comforting for both of them to share an unhealthy coping mechanism and just be themselves. Milo never paid any mind to leos mood swings, even when he started to get angry. He just brushed it off and gave the slider some silence and space to cool off. It was pretty good not feeling like he had to control the situation for once.

"gay as fuck lolo, gay as fuck" leo assured, flicking his imaginary hair behind his back, not wearing his mask.

Suddenly leo was pulled into a kiss, quickly recuperating twice as hard. The boys sloppily made out, adding tongue at some point. Leo felt nothing but man was it fun to just do something like this. Milo pulled back for air, grinning from ear to ear with his hazy eyes. Leo mirrored the expression, stroking the snake yokais hand.

"you dont feel anything for me do ya? just want to make sure before we do something that'll mess this up." milo asked.

"nope. ill admit that was fun, but i dont feel anything like romance wise. you're hot as fuck though" leo said with a laugh. Milo chuckled, sighing with relief expressing he felt the same way. He pushed leo down into the grass, getting on top of him and kissing softly down his neck.

"you wanna have some more fun? only if you're comfortable" milo murmered gently, looking up at leo sincerely. Milo was a good person, he wasnt some rapist shitbag who "didnt know what consent was". Leo met his eyes and smirked.

"i mean i was planning on waiting till i was 16, but we're both 15 and both consenting without being under the influence..." leo said teasingly. The weed had worn off, this was another type of high and leo loved it.

"you gotta say yes or i wont do anything lelo, i wanna be sure you're consenting to this. you know i obviously want to" milo said with a warm smile, leaning in for another kiss. Leo murmured "yes lolo... god yes..." through the kiss and both boys heated up.

Leo went home feeling all giddy. That was amazing. Both boys were inexperienced, only having experimented with themselves. But they both agreed it was good with nothing to compare it to.

Leo thinks he just found another coping mechanism: sex.

Since then leo had been more of the "i dont care" feeling. Instead of his mood swings going off on him everyday, this feeling had lasted for the past- go over a week? and leo felt on top of the motherfucking world. He knew he was a shit loser, a fuck up and a failure but he literally just didnt care. Yolo! He had said that to his brothers more than once in the last week. It aas just fun to say, but boy it pissed his brothers off.

"leo stop being so reckless while skating!"

"yolo"

"lee what the heck you're going to cut yourself doing that!"

"yoloooo"

"nardo stop jumping off things this building is literally very unstable!"

"YOLO BITCH"

It was worrying his brothers to say the least, it was pissing off his father too. He just couldnt bring himself to care. Your boy was TIRED. His dad would still yell at him for the normal shit, instead of leo playing along or getting overly pissed off he'd just go "i dont care" and walk away with a smirk.

Sex was a good coping mechanism, even if he was underaged there were a lot of hot yokai down in the hidden city. Leo would just lie and say he was eighteen, there were lots of places that didnt check ID's. He never went with anyone over twenty one i mean come on he wasnt that stupid- well unless they were hot as fuck and rich. He was already engaging in sexual endevours while underaged but that was a minor unimportant detail. Weed was good, hanging with lolo was good. His brothers were alive and safe whether they thought he was losing his mind or not so he didnt really care.

They knew he was sleeping even less
lately, that much was clear when he kept falling asleep for a hour or two in donnies lab while he worked. Donnie offered to have a sleepover, picking up on the fact leo only seemed to sleep when with him. The others noticed it as well. Leo never declined sleepovers with his twin because they were special. But if he said yes he wouldnt be able to sneak out. So he said no, making up some bullshit excuse that he cant even remember. Since then they've all tried to talk to him separately, key word tried. Leo didnt listen. He was eating less, sleeping less and going out every night with either milo, a random or by himself.

Leo was just sitting on the couch, playing some random ad game on his phone when his brothers stood over him.

"want something hermanos?" leo asked casually, trying to beat the level of his game.

"we need to talk leo" mikey said. Well this is bordering a doctor delicate touch visit. Fun!

"about what miguel? how im the hottest brother because i fully agree" he replied, still not taking his eyes off his phone.

"nardo put your phone down this is serious" donnie said. Welp theres no way hes getting out of this without some sort of fight. He put his phone face down on the table, locking the screen and turning to his brothers.

"ok whats this about i feel like im being interrogated" leo snorted. He knew exactly what this was about. They'd start with the not sleeping, maybe mention the eating, skip to the recklessness and then question the living heck out of him.

"you havent been sleeping lately leo, and its more than just your normal insomnia. has it gotten worse? or is it something else" raph asked gently. Okay so mikey was currently tough love, raph was the gentle touch and donnie was mediator. He could work with that.

"its normal insomnia, you're worrying over literally nothing bro" leo says casually. Dont reveal anything they can latch on to.

"ok fine lets say we believe you. theres the next issue- you've been too reckless lately. with your own safety even over little things. its like you want to be hurt, is that it?" mikey accuses, attempting to psychoanalyse leo. He keeps a calm face, his mood dropping slightly. He was feeling... down again. This was annoying- where did the happy feeling go? Is it leaving? Why were his emotions so messed up what the fuck.

"my son, i have noticed you acting differently as well. as if you do not care. you have acted like this before but never to this extent" splinter shows up, joining the coversation. Leo cant resist rolling his eyes and crossing his arms. This was unexpected, leo didnt plan for this and he didnt emotionally prepare for his pops to care about his tantrums.

"yea right. you dont know shit about me pops" leo says. Raph doesnt scold him for swearing, neither does splinter.

"you're hurting, my son. let your family help-"

"oh like you've ever wanted to fucking help me" leo mutters interrupting his dad. He wasnt going to take this shit from any of them.

Donnie made a mental note of leos mood change, logging it with all the data he had on his brother. There was something going on and he was going to figure it out.

"if nothing is going on do you want to explain where you go in the middle of the night while everyone sleeps? the cameras in the lair pick up mystic energy nardo and your tracker has data logs for multiple places we didnt go together in the middle of the night." donnie says, typing on his wrist watch.

"you know, hanging out. didn't know this was a prison" the jokes were over. Leo didnt like this conversation anymore, it was going to end badly and he could feel it.

"doing what?" raph asked, eyebrow raised. Leo shrugged and mumbled teenager stuff. He didnt need to take this from his family, and he wasnt going to. They asked him more questions, leo tuned them out. He wasnt going to play this stupid game. He grew annoyed... pissed off.

"just leave me the fuck alone!" leo yelled, grabbing his phone and storming off to his room. He had to jump out of the way so raph couldnt reach for him, slamming his door shut and flipping the lock down so no one could get in unless they took the door off its hinges.

"leonardo open this door right now!" Dr DT was pissed. But leo was even more so, pulling out his phone and connecting it to his bluetooth speaker, blasting music loudly.

"nardo stop it!"

"blue stop being such a child!"

"leo don't ignore us!"

"I FUCKING HATE MY MOMMMMM" played loudly, leo screamed loudly into a pillow until his throat was sore. He couldnt hear his family through the door anymore, maybe they had given up already. Or maybe he just wasnt paying close enough attention. He sat in the corner of his bed, leaning against the wall and sobbed loudly.

"l-o pl-se let us in-" someone called from outside, muffled through the door and loud music.

"GO THE FUCK AWAY" leo screamed, sobbing even louder. The voices hadnt stopped, one being his father.

"I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU" he cried and screamed.

He didnt hear his brothers agreeing to leave him alone for the time being, just assuming they left. His music died out after a while, his speaker losing bettery charge from where ever he had left it.

Leos crying had mostly ceased, his face sticky and wet from the amount of tear tracks running down his face. He layed on his bed, curled in a ball sniffling. Well fuck, look what he just did. How was he going to explain this now?

Chapter Text

Leo fell asleep after crying his eyes out, absolutely exhausted from not sleeping. His life wasnt going the greatest right now, which was stupid because it should be? I mean, the shredder and foot were gone, the kraang were defeated like- MONTHS ago. Yet leo still had that weird trauma grabbing onto him and when that wasnt affecting him it was the stupid mood swings and need to constantly just not be happy. He wished he could be happy, why the fuck was it so fucking hard what fucking bullshit-

He woke up to a knock on his door, voices returning.

"leo you- you've been in your room for over a day now so if you dont atleast tell us you're okay- we're worried about you and if you dont answer donnies removing the door!" mikey yells. Great, theres no way hes getting out of this one.

Leo could have taken the simple route, called out or texted them that he was fine, you know? They'd probably leave him alone for another day or so. But leo didnt like confrontation, so instead he grabbed his pouch, his swords and his phone and sliced through space and time- creating a portal. All he could think of as he walked through was a safe, warm environment; he left his tear stained mask behind.

He walked through, immediately being met with a bedroom with darkly coloured walls and bright posters and stuffed animals on the bed. There were quite a few textbooks piled up on the floor next to the bed where a girl lay.

This was aprils room. He portalled to aprils bedroom.

"leo? hi what are you doing here?" april asked, confused but not pushing for him to leave.

"just came to see you pril, can i hang out for a bit?" leo asked with a smile, playing with his swords and poking into the carpet. April didnt ask any questions, she just pat the bed next to her with a warm smile. Leo set his swords down gently, crawling into aprils bed and laying his head on her shoulder.

"im doing some work right now, so as long as you're okay with me typing in your ear i dont care if you stay" april joked, going through her tabs to figure out where she was up to in her work. Leo hummed in response, worrying april a little.

"you okay hun? you're not usually this quiet when you visit. where are the guys?" she asked calmly, concerned eyes looking down. Leo didnt look up to meet her eyes, watching her laptop trying to focus on something.

"im good apes just a bit tired. brothers are back at the lair," he said, wanting to say more. April could tell there was more to it so she waited, nudging him to continue.

"i just needed a break, im good i promise" leo said with a sigh, meeting aprils eyes and giving her the most genuine looking smile he could muster up.

Finding the energy to fake your emotions and influence others was hard when in a depressive episode. It was hard in general if he thought about it- but it came so naturally. It was hard to explain. But when he was down he was DOWN. He felt flat and like nothing mattered, which it never did obviously. It was equally as bad as the anger and rage; nothing mattered in that moment besides letting his anger out. He just couldnt get why they wouldnt leave. him. alone.

April didnt push for more, thank pizza supreme, and went back to typing. Her typing was slower than donnies, but her warmth equalled out the comfort factor. Leo found himself closing his eyes and slipping into the void, not being able to sleep. He pretened to sleep though, that prevented april from growing curious and asking more questions.

His awareness came back when april gently moved him to lean on a pillow instead, standing up. He heard her talking on the phone, and he could hear the voice talking to her. Donnie.

"APRIL is nardo with you? he ran away and he is not in the lair and raphael and michelangelo are really really worried about him-" yea sure its totally not just donnie freaking out on the phone. yep.

"don slow down- yes leos with me. he what? no no he didnt say anything- hes sleeping right now. yea my mums out you can come get him" as soon as leo heard that he opened his eyes, seeing april with her back turned to him while facing the window.

Leo stood up, grabbing his swords and making a portal. April noticed and tried to stop him, yelling to donnie that he was leaving. He quickly jumped through the portal, watching as it closed. Where was he now?

Run Of The Mill, of course. Leo asked his head for safety, his tìo Huseo was like a safety blanket for him. The skeleton yokai cared for all the turtles, but leo was family to him. Not that he'd admit.

"pepinio? i assume you want your usual?" huseo asked, eyebrow bone raised concerned. Leo nodded, huseo walked to fetch the food while the slider walked to his usual booth. Majority of the customers were regular enough to know that was pepinios booth. And if anyone was in pepinios booth when pepinio was there they'd feel the wrath of his tìo. It was a kind semi-violent gesture leo was unaware of, huseo liked to keep it that way.

Leo was lost in his head as soon as he sat down, playing with a napkin on his table while his head rested in his hands.

Why was he like this? Was there something wrong with him? He didnt- understand enough to be able to explain properly. It was a different feeling everytime he tried and it was exhausting trying to find the right words. Was he really even more fucked up then he thought? Should he just kill himself right now-

"heres your pizza, pepinio. you look as if you havent eaten today so i added a garlic knot, considering you like those so much" huseo said, placing a plate down. Leo wasnt hungry, he didnt want food. But it smelt so good. He knew he'd feel guilty but it didnt matter. If he was at home he'd probably be eating the entire fridge after barely eating for so long.

He pushed down the nauseous feeling and grabbed the garlic knot, taking a small bite and chewing slowly. God was it amazing- but did he even deserve it? He was so lost in his own head that he forgot to say thankyou to huseo.

"leonardo. you have not said a single thing since you have entered my restaurant tonight, what is the matter?" huseo asked. And god, maybe if his tìo, his father figure, didnt sit down at his booth and ask him that with the most sincere and caring tone instead of being happy he wasnt yapping like a feral dog then maybe- MAYBE leos eyes wouldnt have filled with tears as he took another bite out of the garlic knot.

The tears did overflow, much to his dislike, and huseos concern clearly grew.

"talk, hijo" hueso said in the softest tone leo thinks he ever heard come out of the skeleton yokais mouth. He put the garlic knot down, lip quivering. His throat felt all tight and he didnt know if he could even speak without breaking down into violent sobs, desperate to just- just- stop everything. He hated this.

"is- do you think im like... messed up?" leo asked softly, trying to stop the overflowing tears from, well- overflowing more i guess. If huseo didnt think he was crazy before, he sure looked at him like he had two heads now.

"what do you mean?" he asked, and leo wished he didnt sound so genuine and understanding- what did he ever do to deserve that? He took a deep breath and forced a bright smile that tugged on the skeletons heart.

"oh you know, insane, delusional, unstable, mentally ill- crazy?" leo asked, pretending to list the aspects with his fingers. He chuckled, nothing about the situation was funny. Nothing about his life was funny- but! Thats what made it so! It was so stupidly pathetic that it was funny. Huseo wasnt laughing though, but he chose to ignore that. It was funny. Because if it wasnt funny then it really was just pathetic and sad and he should really just go ki-

"i do not know what makes you think that, and i do not understand what you find funny- but pepinio you are not any of those things. you may possibly be mentally ill, but that is not something to be ashamed about. this means you should seek help from loved ones- your brothers. should i call your brothers?" huseo asked. Leo swear he felt his heart stop. His brothers cannot come here- no no no no NO.

"NO dont DO THAT-" leo raised his voice, pushing away from the table and reaching for his swords. Huseo looked panicked. Heh. Good. He should be fucking scared of him. Everyone can just- go to hell.

"leonardo please sit dow-" leo tuned him out. He was hyperventilating and lost in his own head. He turned back to huseo to see him on the phone- fuck he called one of his brothers- fuck fuck fuck FUCK.

Leo had to get out of there now. Like yesterday now. He quickly reached for his swords, creating a portal and stepping through. This time he was on a roof alone. He needed somewhere to go, his brothers could totally find him here.

Who was he kidding, his brothers would find him anywhere with the stupid tracker in his body. He needed to get it out of his skin but he didnt know where donnie put them. Taking it out wouldnt prevent them from finding him. He'd discard his phone later, donnie never thought to track those for some reason. But he needed to get this stupid chip out.

He felt around in skin for any blemishes out of the ordinary. Wrists... no- legs? no... shoulde- bingo. A small pimple like bump in the more fleshy part of his shoulder. He really hoped it wasnt just a pimple, because this was going to hurt like a bitch.

He raised his sword up to his neck, trying to angle it right so he didnt cut his head off, and started digging into his neck. While he was trying to find the disc he may have slipped out of awareness, thinking more about how he could just cut his head off right here and be done with it. That'd be a traumatising sight for his brothers huh?

He was brought back by a small click, a tiny round purple disc hit the ground. The tracker. He stomped on it, hearing a satisfying crack. He pulled his sword away from his neck, noticing the huge open gash marks that were certainly very overkill. Note to self: dont zone out and fantasise about cutting off your head while theres a sword in your shoulder.

He pulled out bandages from inside his small medical pouch and started wrapping his shoulder. Why? mostly because it was a pain in the ass to be dripped blood everywhere. It needed stitches, so it'd be fine.

Looking down at his blood covered hands matching his sword he thought about how nice he'd look with cut up wrists-

Cut

Cut

Cut

Fuck these intrusive and impulsive thoughts but- oh god fuck them.

Leo hadnt split his wrists open in so long he forgot how much he loved it. He only really stopped because he was too tempted to slit his wrists and watch the blood ooze out as he slowly lost consciousness, welcoming the burning pain seering until the end.

He wouldnt get an infection, he'd be fine they weren't THAT deep. He was cutting with a sword it could have been wayyyyywaywaywayWAY worse.

He hummed as he wrapped his wrists as well, smile plastered on his face. He pulled out a couple disinfectant wipes just to wipe the blood off his feet and hands and discarded his now almost empty medical pouch in the big puddle off blood near his feet.

He had an idea, bring out his phone and text milo of course!

- hey lolo, wanna come hang with my up top?

- like now? sure

- yea now, ill come get you

- kay lelo

Leo created another portal, this one appearing in milos bedroom.

"hi lelo! jesus how the fuck arent you freezing you're literally walking around naked, is it not colder up with the humans?" milo asked, giving the cold turtle a hug. Leo didnt really realise until now but he was freezing, shaking. This must be one of the colder days, i mean it was winter so it made sense. Was his green skin growing a blue tint?

"yea i might go into brumation. my brothers wouldnt be too happy with me" leo joked. As if his brothers were happy with him now, please, leos never coming back from this. Might as well kill himse-

"whats with all the bandages? looks like whatevers going on is bleeding through" milo said, mikd concern for the slider showing in his voice. He knew leo could handle himself, but it didnt stop the snake yokai from worrying about his friend.

"nah the bloods old, ill change them when i get home" leo said with a wave of his hand, dismissing the topic entirely.

"here take this so you dont freeze to death" leos thoughts were interrupted by something hitting his head. It was a dark grey dracula hoodie. Leo put it on immediately, savouring the warmth. Milos hoodies were always the cosiest.

"thanks lolo!" he said, grabbing the snake yokais hand and dragging him through a portal that opened up in an empty park. Leo stepped through the portal and tripped on a rock, hitting the ground with a soft "oof" and giggling. Milo chuckled at him fondly and sat down next to him.

"so why'd you wanna hang all the sudden?" milo asks casually, leaning against a tree.

"nothin much, just running away from my stalker brothers who think im delusional and need mental help. i mean they're right but let a brother live!" leo said, starfishing on the grass next to milo.

The yokai hummed in understanding, realising leo was in one of his moods.

"you got anything on you?" leo mumbled, looking up at the sky.

"only capsules" milo responded, pulling out a few pill looking things and holding them in his hand. Leo muttered a quick "they'll do" and went to take them when milo took his hand away.

"only two ok? dont want you overdosing" he said in a fake stern voice, smirking but still being serious. Leo did a mock salute and took two, downing them and watching as the taller put the rest back in his pocket.

"you not having any?" leo mumbled, scooting over so that his head was in milos lap. He hummed and run his hands over leos head, offering a warm smile.

"nah not tonight. something tells me im gonna have to look after your high ass. you're only supposed to take one of these things, any more then 2 at a time can be dangerous" milo said. Leo would have been listening closer, he was trying to listen he really was. But it had been around ten to twenty minutes since he took the substance and he was feeling it. He also didnt really care if he overdosed.

Was he currently kinda bleeding out? Yea. Possibly going to overdose on a substance he didnt even know? Possibly. Milo wouldnt put him in danger, but he also doesnt know he hasnt eaten or drank water once in the past day or so- he also doesnt know leos sort of actively bleeding out. So he might accidentally put him in danger.

I mean leos in danger by being alive. Hes doing all this shit to himself.

"you feeling ok? you've never taken this shit from me before" leo hummed in response. What did milo ask? Eh. Didnt matter. He was safe with his head in lolos lap, who cares.

After about an hour he felt the buzz die out, whatever this was worked fast and hard but didnt last long. He guessed it was a mixture of drugs.

All the sudden he saw shapes in the distance. They kinda looked like his brother.... fuck they are his brothers. Leo quickly sat up reaching for his bloody sword and leaving the other behind.

"LEONARDO DONT YOU DARE RUN AWAY AGAIN" Yelled donnie. Man he sounded pissed- and scared. Scared of his suicidal insane brother who had been taking drugs, having sex, drinking alcohol all underaged- i mean technically speaking considering they did have human DNA. Not sleeping not eating and now running away after lashing out? God they didnt even know he was doing half of those things!

"leo PLEASE buddy we just want to help! if you run again i swear to god ill restrain you-" raph was scared too. Frightened- Terrified.

"lee we want to help- DONT YOU WALK THROUGH THAT PORTAL-" damn Dr DT and Dr F were having a field day today.

Leo stepped through the portal, offering milo a cheeky smile. He left his phone behind- as well as one of his swords. Now he had one sword and that was it. There was now no way donnie could track him through technology surrounding leo. Sure he'd check the mystic energy trackers and pinpoint the location of leos last portal to find him- but they'd be too late. Either the drugs would mess with his very slow damaged blood stream, he'd bleed out etcetera etcetera etcetera.

Before the portal closed he could faintly hear the buzz off donnies artillery threatening to exterminate milo. He heard milos breath hitch, realising just how 'serious' this all was. He quickly blurted out that they needed to find leo. He had taken something and was probably still a little buzzed, he had bandages all over his body and he seemed dazed and loopy and very care-free.

It was true, leo was riding a high that was different from drugs and he didnt give a flying fuck.

When the portal closed was when leo realised where he was

One world trade centre, highest building in New York. Just a measly ten minutes from the manhole cover leading to the lair.

It'll do. I mean, all he had to do now was jump. It was easy. He'd been craving this and there was absolutely nothing in his head telling him to stop as he stood on the ledge.

Chapter Text

There was a cool breeze, one leo was protected from by milos hoodie. He didnt want to ruin his friends hoodie, that was one thing he could keep nice when he died, so he took it off and discarded it to the side.

Would this really be it? There was no reason why it wouldn't be, no reason why it shouldnt be. He couldnt think of one personally, and he was well-known as a person who didnt listen to others- whether that was true or not leo had a reputation to uphold; not anymore though. So the answer was yes. That brought leo some sort of comfort- he felt like he could breathe. Really breathe for maybe the second time in his life; the first time was when he felt death clawing at him in the prison dimension. After he got over the almost blinding pain, that is. This would be a more forgiving fate. Leo deserved forgiving, afterall his whole life had been given to other people hadnt it? He had given good and bad, so some part of leo deserved this.

Nothing mattered, nothing at all. He threw his sword in the same direction as the jumper, felt the chill off the breeze as he stood unsteadily on the ledge. He let one foot dangle off the side. This was it- he was going to die.

Oddly enough there was no fear, no regret or sorrow like in your typical fictional story where the main character tries to kill themselves, gets saved and regrets it and cries and apologises; wanting to live.

This was not that story. This was the story of Hamato Leonardo, a teenager who hates a world that always hated him and hates himself for being the way he is. A boy who could never understand himself while no one ever tried to understand him. This was the much deserved and long coming end of a suicidal kids story. It was as simple as that.

There was no empathy for those he was leaving behind. Maybe he felt a little guilty now that he was being honest, but they'd get over it. His death would be easier for them to work through compared to trying to make him better.

Huh... better. That wasnt even a thought that ever crossed leos mind. Being better in a sense of no longer failing and bringing shame to his family name sure, but being better as in a sense of emotional and mental health?

What even brought him here? The shredder? The kraang? His brothers?

Maybe the countless guys who knew leo was underaged but still fucked him. Maybe milo, who didnt exactly feed into his horrible mental health knowingly but still let him take drugs as if they were chocolate. Maybe his friends who never noticed when he struggled to keep himself alive. Maybe his father who leo knew he was loved by yet never felt loved by.

No, he thought. He really only had himself to blame. He was always like this. It grew with trauma sure, but he was practically a young adult now. How many more chances to screw up should he really get?

He took a step closer to the ledge, and in that moment he knew he was doing the right thing. Even that one step, that tiny little insignificant step felt so incredibly freeing.

He took another step, hanging one foot over the edge. He felt physically sick- dizzy, but it wasnt from his fear of heights. It wasnt because he was scared of dying (It was probably the drugs, blood loss, lack of food and water but that was irrelevant no one cared).

He was about to let himself fall, let his weight tip over slightly and let gravity force him to plummet to his awaiting death when he-

"LEO G-GET DOWN!" Mikeys voice. His baby brother was crying, he could tell by the stutter that only came from the box turtles lip quivering when he cried. He didnt need to turn around to imagine the look on his face.

He would feel bad, but he didnt feel much of anything so he really just felt nothing towards it.

"nardo dont you dare move any closer! or- Ill come get you myself" donnies usual monotoned voice was polluted with wavering fear and uncertainty.

"leo... buddy please just come away from the edge" raph begged- pleaded with desperation leo had only heard when begging leo not to lock himself in the prison dimension. Curse his oldest brother and his big heart, always so full of worry for the people he cared for.

Leo didnt answer, he stayed exactly where he was. Being on the edge of death was almost as freeing as the feeling he imagined he'd get from falling down, seconds away from the afterlife.

"if you're going to fucking kill yourself atleast have the decency to say goodbye you-you asshole!" donnie, sounding angry and hurt. Sometimes his emotions overwhelmed him and the only way he knew how to express it was through such an angry tone. Leo knew his brother better than that, even though it was hard to hear or even think with the feeling of someone pounding in his skull.

Slowly he turned around, not backing away from the edge. Mikey was hysterical, tears flowing freely. Donnie was crying, slow rhythm falling down his cheeks. Raph was trying to keep it together but his eyes were glossy and occasional tears overflowed and fell silently.

When leo saw their faces, he made a realisation. He was wrong. His brothers werent scared of him, they were scared for him. Scared for him that he'd get hurt and scared for themselves that they'd lose a brother.

Either way, they should have been scared all along. Because those things were about to happen.

Leo could feel his conciousness slipping away, but that was good. Finally. All he had to do was fall back and-

"bye brothers" close his eyes.

"LEO!!"

"NARDO"

"LEO NO-"

-

Leo was unconcious before he even fell from the roof, tipping backwards and falling fast. His brothers couldnt prevent him from falling- but they had their mystic powers didnt they?

Raph ran forwards, not thinking and activating his ninpo. His big red version appeared around him, and he reached over the roof desperately trying to catch his little brother.

Little brother? Wow that made leo sound so young. They all forgot he was only fifteen. Of course mikey was the baby, he'd be seven forever. Donnie and raph were always the eldest and most mature, even when the softshell was swaddled up the same as his little brothers, drooling and clinging to leo. He was always the cuddly type when sleeping. Leo just... existed. They hadnt realised how much they probably made him feel so useless and insignificant until now.

Leo was fifteen! Not even sixteen yet. Milo had gotten donnies phone number, sitting on loud speaker on call while the three turtle brothers looked for leo. He explained to him as much and as quickly as he could of leos behaviour; his substance abuse and unhealthy coping mechanism of sex. Not sleeping as he was going out at night and never eating anything around the other boy unless it was edibles.

The snake yokai hadnt thought anything of both of them having casual hookups- it wasnt out of the ordinary and come on! They're both single, horny teenagers who really have no one but eachother. Teenagers have sex. Its normal.

But then milo found out about the older men and women yokai, some which leo didnt even consent to he was just so out of it in his mind to move. He remembered it though, he had talked to milo about it. He always seemed absent when he mentioned those very few times where those very few yokai had taken advantage of him.

The snake yokai didnt want to bring it up, but he's pretty sure leos brain blocked it off for the time being as a trauma response. Leo was incredibly drunk those few times when he was talking about things that had just happened, after those couple nights he never spoke of them again: sober or under the influence. As if he didnt remember.

He didnt tell leos brothers about the sexual assault, just the underaged sex with adults. It wasnt his story to tell and forcing leo to remember if it was a trauma response to forget could cause more damage then good.

Donnie was muttering something about emotional reactivity, mania and depressive episodes. Something clicked in mikeys brain, looking like he just made a very important realisation. Raph was honestly lost, but he'd ask later.

As soon as the turtles made it to the building, milo was hung up on and told they'd let him know what had happened later.

Raphael reached as far as he possibly could- hell he was ready to jump off the building like he did when draxum dropped leo over the edge of the roof that one time.

He reached until he felt something in his big red hand, hoisting it up quickly to see an unconcious, bloody bandaged leo.

That was when the tears fell freely. He deactivated his ninpo, craddling his brother in his arms and letting out a sob. Donnie and mikey were quick to run over, jumping towards leo immediately.

"okay. we need to get him back to the lair now" donnie said, wiping his tears and turning away. The others immediately agreed, quickly making their way to the turtle tank.

-

The three raced home, having a pretty rough idea of what was wrong with leonardo from milo. Donnie was quick to scan him as soon as they reached the turtle tank, and he was immediately more panicked than before.

Severe blood loss
Dehydrated
Malnourished
Under the influence of a mix of drugs that were not agreeing with his bloodstream
anything else? well donnie was pretty sure he'd end up with a cold as well considering he had been running around all night in no clothing and it was 10C°.

But for the first time in the past two or more days, the three boys felt like they, themselves, could breathe. Their brother was home, safe and stable in the med bay where they could see him. Leos swords had been put in one of the medical cupboards, his wounds disinfected and cleaned, checked for other infections. Donnie was just eternally grateful leo taught him about hypovolemic shock.

The softshell was quick to do as much medical treatment as he possibly could, failing to resist the immediate urge to replace the tracker in his shoulder. It was replaced.

It had been about an hour since the slider had tried to jump off that roof. He was gaining conciousness back, gradually building up his awareness. Touch, taste, feeling, smell, sight, hearing.

He opened he eyes as soon as he could, feeling hazy and light and- sick. He felt sick. He leanes to the side of the gurney he was laying on and dry heaved, choking up nothing but stomach acid that burnt his throat. He stopped eventually and felt big, gentle hands guiding him to lay back down. He looked up and saw raph. Raphael his big brother. His mouth was moving, but he couldnt hear, heck he could barely see and his head was pounding. He tried to sit up, to which raph assisted with that too. He didnt look very impressed.

Leo rubbed his eyes, then his ears, then throat- trying to get something to work and not hurt. He noticed the IV in his hand just above the bandages on his wrist. Fuck he should be dead-

All the sudden his senses started to work. His brothers were talking to him, the med bay lights were brighter than they needed to be, he felt a dull ache all over his body that he welcomed but the itchy feeling was not. He balled his fists together tightly, bringing his knees closer to his chest. He lost awareness, staying conscious and staring into nothingness, never really meeting his brothers eyes. Almost like a zombie.

Failing to kill himself then waking up to whatever this bullshit was? Super not cool. Super duper extremely not fucking cool. Leo felt horrible, or atleast he did five seconds ago- five minutes? five hours? He couldnt- couldnt tell. He felt horrible until he stopped feeling his body. What was he trying to figure out? His mind was hazy, he felt all floaty, but it was safer compared to the real world. His messed up sense of pain was helping him, but the fact that he was feeling physcial pain all over meant something bad probably happened to his body. He guesses he did jump off a roof, but he didnt go splat because none of his bones were broken- or atleast he thought. What had happened? He closed his eyes and felt nothing, but now he was home? What was he thinking about again? He could see, but his vision wasnt his own. He felt like a spectator in a simulation or something.

He was cold, colder than before. Specifically in his hands- wait why his hands? Awareness was coming back, gracing himself with the ability to actually think and physically move freely. He looked down, seeing the tiny remnants of ice in small puddles of water, dripping from his palms.

"leo? are you back with us?" A voice, he looks up and sees mikey. He looks back down to see his hands now holding nothing but water droplets, wiping them on the blanket.

"leo, buddy?" raph was talking this time- hey he knew who was talking! He offered a hum in response to whatever the question was, looking up at his three brothers.

"whats up?" he asked casually, eyes dropped and shoulders hunched, breathing heavy.

"whats up? whats- UP?! nardo you- breathe donatello breathe. disbelieved sigh. you disassociated after waking up from passing out off of a building. fainting from exhaustion, malnutrition, substances not being compatible with your chemical make-up, dehydration, blood loss, fatigue-"

"okay D thank you, i think he gets it. how're ya feeling buddy?" raph says nervously, shoving purple out of the way slightly.

"wait what substances?" mikey asked worriedly. As the self-desginated psychologist of the family, the youngest knew that substance abuse was extremely dangerous- and even more so his underaged, clearly mentally unstable brother was doing it!

"well there were a few drugs mixed into that capsule nardo had taken, and that snake yokai friend of his said he takes quite the bit of marijuana, but the main one im concerned about is the heroin, you did know you were taking heroin right nardo?" donnie asked, rasing an eyebrow accusingly.

"how long?" he asked absent mindedly, ignoring the previous question and smiling. No he didnt know there was heroin in the capsules, and quite frankly he didnt really care. He had just wanted something to take his mind off the annoyingly growing pain in his wrists and shoulders, as well as the rapid fired thoughts in his mind.

How long what? What did leo even mean? How long was his unconcious for? How long was he unresponsive in a dissociated state for? Donnie voiced these confusions outloud, to which leo just looked at him expectantly.

"well you were unconcious for around two hours and forty seven minutes. You were dissociated for around thirty one minutes." It was all starting to fukly come back to leo now, talking to his brothers.

He took another look at the three- a real look now that he could focus. He didnt know what to do with their expressions- their emotions. For once in his life he was genuinely lost.

"alright sick. can i leave nowww...?" leo asked, dragging out his words casually, bringing a hand up to his chest and tapping his fingers.

"leo you just had a dissociative episode, its called called derealization. You felt all floaty, unresponsive, like watching us through a simulation?" mikey asked, wanting leo to respond. Leo nodded his head, that was exactly what it felt like.

"I'd guess it was caused by this extremely stressful situation and anxiety, and thats serious. we dont want to leave you alone until you're feeling better mentally" Doctor feelings, gentle as ever. Leos fingers still tapped nervously.

That brought his attention back to the IV in his hand. He probably didnt need it anymore, so he ripped it out, placing it on the wheely table next to the bed.

"leo what the hell?! you're supposed to keep that in that-thats why its in your fucking arm?!" donnie burst, anger and pure confusion practically pouring of him. Between the boys, donnie and leo definetly had the dirtiest mouths.

"donnie language!" raph scolded, clearly as worried and mad as the softshell but trying to keep himself calm.

"no raphala, because quite frankly i do not care about the idiotic no swearing rule right now. because nardo here tried to kill himself approximately three hours and twenty minutes ago and- and- none of us even suspected it! even though now that i think about it the signs were so extremely clear for a long time. even worse- he tried to fucking kill himself!" Leo flinched at the bluntness of the statements. It was obvious but they just didnt pay attention? Okay, donnies angry stress rambling. This was beggining to make leo panic.

He didnt want his brothers to know he was alive and suicidal. He didnt want to see that- that pitiful look of sorrow in their eyes. That wasnt something he wanted to see but now- haha! now he could hear, see and feel it!

It was making him crazy. He didnt yet notice the panic rising in him, currently riding on an emotional high after regaining awareness. This wasnt going to end well. He felt unsafe, paranoid almost. He hated it.

"okay... i tried to kill myself but im not dead so- can we just leave it?" leo all but pleaded, chuckling nervously.

A laugh that came across as more of a wince from a wounded puppy. He noticed his brothers flinch at leos words. By the looks on their faces, thats exactly how they viewed him at the moment. A wounded, very, very sick puppy.

"no leo. we cannot just 'leave it'. this is serious- take it seriously!" raph huffed frusteratedly, rubbing his temples. Leo winced at his brothers tone, like he was a child being scolded. He is a child being scolded, in a sense. This was just much much worse compared to breaking a glass or making a mess. Leo tried to kill himself.

Leo was panicking. What the fuck was he supposed to do now huh? There was no way he could influence- no straight up fucking mansplain maleboss manipulate his way out of this. His brothers werent going to let him within a kilometre of freedom for the next- well atleast a month! It depened on how quickly they could 'fix' leo and make it so he didnt want to kill himself. Its not like he was actively trying to kill himself until quite recently, but he had never really... tried to be alive? wanted to be alive?

" 'm sorry. i kind of just seriously tried to kill myself s-so-" leo said. His brothers grew angry at the seemingly light hearted statement, but when leos voice broke at the end of the sentence and tears welled up in his eyes they softened immediately.

"nardo... you- why would you even do that? why didnt you just... talk to us? do you even regret it?" donnie asks quietly, sounding utterly defeated. Shit. That just made the waterworks burst.

"i-i just- its so pathetic, ive always thought what was the point you know? i dont... regret it- its not like ive ever tried to stay alive, but no one ever listens to anything i say... so-" leo cries softly.

"so you did this because... because we dont listen to you?" raph asked, sounding completely lost and desperately trying to understand.

"no- of course i didnt do it for something as- as inferior as that- i havent been listened to my whole life so why-why would i do something about i-it now? see look, you dont listen" leo cries harder, mumbling the last sentence under his breath, barely audible. They heard it. Raph was about to start talking again when mikey interrupted.

"oh shell guys we forgot to tell dad we found leo-" The orange clad turtle started. Donnie had already texted april, being reminded by the constant message notifications from their big sister. Leos head snapped to his little brother. For maybe the first time leo actually looked scared.

"Please dont tell dad- i-i swear ill never do it again just dont t'll him please" leo cried desperately. It surprised all three turtles.

His dad might have been a little emotionally abusive, the physcial stuff could be chalked up to... training? They were usually one time things. His other biological father threw him off a roof, giving leo a fear of heights, and everyone forgave him real quick, so he guessed it wasnt that bad. Everyone makes mistakes.

Just because they werent the closest doesnt mean he didnt love his dad. And finding out your kid tried to kill themself and hates themself is knowingly not something he'd wish on any loving parent. If his dad didnt love him he'd know, but he does love him. Sure he questions it sometimes but he knows and he cant even bring himself to imagine how that conversation would go. He doesnt want to face the guilt of trying to kill himself, especially not when he sees the heartbroken look on his fathers face. A look he swore he'd never witness again after the kraang.

"never do what again huh nardo? be specific" donnie said, voice laced with venom. He understood why his twin was mad, but it didnt make it hurt any less. For the first time in weeks Leo was scared of the consequences. Scared of himself.

"i-ill never try to kill myself again- te- 'lo please i-i-i dont want him to know h-he cant! he'll ju-st hate me more!" leo sobbed violently, struggling to breathe through the tightness in his throat. He whined, pressing his palms into his eyes and sniffing snot up further into his nose pathetically.

He wanted to die- he was supposed to be dead already! He wasnt fucking sorry for this shit, he just wanted to be gone.

"you what?" a voice from the doorway came. Leo looked up from his hands and saw Splinter. His father, his pops was standing in the doorway with a horrified look on his face. Realising his thoughts must have been verbalised accidentally, leo only sobbed harder.

"i-im sorry! i didnt want you to know im su-posed to be fucking dead already!" leo sobbed, clawing at his arms as he wrapped them around himself, bringing his knees his chest.

"you're not sorry you tried to kill yourself... you're sorry you lived and we found out..." mikey said quietly, an overwhelming look of pure just- sadness on his face. The orange clad turtles eyes glossed over.

"i-im sorry! i couldnt even do one- one thing right a-and it was so easy! im s-so' ry im such a failure i-" Leos old insecurities that he burried and supressed deep under dangerous risk taking and carefully crafted jokes. Flashbacks to him crying his heart and soul out being so incredibly lost and sad because he just wanted to be someone that someone else would be proud of. Someone who succeeded at simply being a functional member of society. A good person. A mentally stable person. He couldnt just- understand what was wrong with him to fucking fix it.

Splinter quickly ran towards his son, jumping up on the bed. The three dont think they've ever seen the rat man run before (besides maybe you know what).

Leos head was burried in his knees, violent sobs shaking his shoulders. Splinter stood beside him on the bed, cradling his head into his chest, rubbing circles on his shell in an attempt to soothe him.

"you are not a failure. i-i cant believe you have done something like this... have felt like this. this pain you have in you my son- i am glad you are alive. blue you-" Leo tore his head up so fast splinter was sure he'd broken his neck.

The rat man was quickly pushed away, recieving a glare that was meant to look cold and hateful, but just came across as desperate and sad.

"tha-THATS NOT MY NAME" leo screamed, sounding full of many years of pent up rage. No matter how many times hes argued with his dad over things and lost his absolute living shit over sometimes absolutely nothing because he just felt so god damn angry- he'd never mentioned the name thing.

Leo was pushing himself back more, away from splinter. He reached the end of the bed, almost falling off but catch himself and curling into a ball on the floor.

"what do you mea-"

"Raphael. Michelangelo. Donatello..." leo paused, bring his head out of his knees for the moment, pointing towards himself with a look of pure desperation and frustration because he just wanted splinter to stop and understand for once in his life-

"- blue. you've said everyones names but mine. m-my name isnt blue" leo cried out, just a barely audible whisper. The lair was silent besides leos erratic breathing and the occasional buzz of machines, so the others heard it perfectly. Leo swears he heard his fathers heart break.

"my son i-" the look on splinters face as he reached out for his son was just indescribable heartbreak and regret; every single thing he'd ever done or said to his baby blue tot - because leo was just a mere child - flashed through his mind and all he wanted to do was hug his son and tell him how sorry he was. That he loved him. That leonardo wasnt the failure, it was splinter.

His expression was something that leos now angered brothers couldnt help but pity. They became quite protective over leo after the kraang, but it didnt show in the best way. And they rarely ever stepped in with splinter and leos arguments. The only times they ever had was when leo hadnt yelled back, but sat there and balled his eyes out silently while being yelled at for something trivial.

No, they were more strict on leo going out by himself, leo being reckless and irresponsible on missions. The slider had somehow convinced them he was mentally okay enough to not be watched like a hawk in that sense. He somehow always convinced him the fights between him and his dad were just typical fights between father and son, even though the others never fought with splinter like that.

"S-STAY AWAY FROM ME-E" leo screamed, backing up further and hitting his shell against a wall.

He couldnt breathe. He couldnt breathe- why couldnt he breathe?

"leo h-hey buddy just try to breathe for me okay? you're breathing a bit too fast" yea, raph was sugar coating it in an attempt of protecting the slider. Could you blame him? The middle child had never looked so small in raphs eyes, and all he wanted to do was scoop him up and hug him till he was so happy he could never possibly be sad again.

Leo didnt respond verbally, letting out a desperate whine through his hysteric sobbing and breathless wheezing that sounded like he was in pain.

"dad you need to leave now" mikey said, turning to splinter with a pleading apologetic smile.

"orange what-" the rat started, immediately getting interrupted.

"get the fuck out!" donnie raised his voice, practically seething with desperation and anger, causing leo to whine. Donnie wasnt a mental health type doctor, but he did have unlimited access to the internet, an unlicensed psychologist brother and twin sense. He knew leo needed splinter to get the fuck out.

Splinter looked shocked, but nodded and quickly made his way out, stopping to take one last glance at his son on the floor before scurrying away. On a normal day donnie wouldnt have spoken to his father that way, but he was making leo freak out. And no one came between him and helping his brothers, especially his twin. Not even his dad.

Leo never learnt many breathing exercises as a kid, it never helped him like it helped his brothers so he didnt bother. His family never knew what to do, so when he felt a panic attack he'd lock himself in his room and sit in the middle of his bedroom floor to avoid touching anything. That started when he was just a tot. Now, his brothers would come in an hour later, not thinking anything of leo being in his room, and see him sleeping on the floor absolutely exhausted. They always assumed the lack of sleep caught up to him while on the floor and put him in bed, usually raph would do that bit.

Leo was clawing at his wrists and thighs, occasionaly going for his head around the area of his stripes, drawing blood with his uncut nails.

Raph was at a loss, so was donnie. Raph was a protector, he could offer comfort. But he didnt know how to help with this. Donnie was a scientist, not a psychologist or even a doctor.

Mikey quickly pushed through, going towards his panicked brother.

"don go find me one of your fluffiest blankets- that one blueish purple one leo always steals from you- raph go get me his unicorn plushy and-and a glass of water at some point as well- um- yea and donnie turn the lights down!" mikey called out to his brothers, being a little overwhelmed.

Mikey really wasnt used to leo being the one to break down- sure he was the self-designated family therapist- but! leo hid all his feelings under carefully crafted jokes and carefree behaviour. That in itself has always been a little bit of a red flag to mikey, but his brother just seemed so- okay? The intense mood swings that happened daily were a worry, but they were so used to it that unless leo was yelling and screaming at them, or absolutely hysterical on the floor, they never paid any mind

Now they know they definetly should have.

Leo has had meltdowns scarily similar to this, but never this bad. Never this intense and stressful. Never did he run away and try to... sometimes he'd just disappear for they day and come back, saying he just went out to do random stuff. Donnie would check the mystic energy readings and the trackers he had installed in their shoulders, and see that leo had been in 78 countries in a few hours. That started a lecture, which turned into a fight between the twins.

They guessed that was how leo built up a tolerance and didnt get the mystic energy exhaustion the others would often experience, even up until being the kraang.

It'd just be seemingly normal days and leo would get triggered- or- or he was in a bad mood or something and he'd just lose it.

Like one time when they were training after leo was phsycially cleared. Raph and him were sparring and raph pinned leo. The slider froze immediately, eyes wide with fear. The expression scared the oldest, having him immediately get off and go to help leo only to have him flinch and break down in sobs. He had a panic attack, and they had tried to calm him down the best they could, waiting for him to slowly ease out of it because none of their breathing exercises worked for him.

Or another time when leo woke up in a horrible mood, he was quick and snappy when he talked, only speaking when spoken to. The three decided it would be a good idea to not interact with leo more than he wanted to, leaving him to do his own thing inside the lair while he was in a mood. Until donnie walked into the kitchen to see leo crying silently infront of a broken mug, tea in a puddle surrounding broken ceramic. Donnie went next to him, calling for his brothers and asking leo what was wrong because inside his head there was no way his younger twin was crying over a dropped cup of tea. Leo didnt respond verbally, letting out frusterated upset clicks that the turtles did sometimes, turning his head into donnies chest and continuing to sob. Leo rarely ever clicked like his brothers often would, it was a vulnerability thing.

"hey leo... big brother can you look at me? look at me" mikey said softly, pulling leos hands into his own, failing to miss the the sliders flinch. He slowly brought his glossy eyes upwards to meet his brothers, sniffing pitifylly. Mikey just smiled warmly.

"there you are lee... you're okay. you're safe in the lair i promise, and i got dad to leave. its just me and you in here. i want you to follow my breathing alright? you're safe and you'll be okay, just follow my breathing" mikey heavily exaggerated his breaths for the next five minutes until his brothers came back, but it wasnt much use. Leo did seem less like he felt he was going to be attacked any second, but his breathing was still uneven as tears held permanent placements in his eyes.

Mikey made sure to praise leo throughout, knowing his brother responded to positive reinforcement better than tough love. That was something raph and splinter always went wrong with.

"leo, i got donnies blanket you like so much, and raphies here with uni" mikey paused for a moment, thinking to himself.

Leo seemed okay with phsycial touch right now, if his guess was right the slider was touch starved and needed phsycial comfort right now. Leo was never one to ask for comfort, he'd just be close and his brothers would figure it out. The lights were now turned down, making the room much darker and less overwhelming.

"you wanna cuddle with raphie or donnie with your things?" the orange turtle asked, looking directly into leos eyes with warmth and safety.

Leo sniffed again, tears still rolling down his face as he struggled to breathe. He squeezed the box turtles hands holding his own, and mikey immediately took that as a yes knowing that if he brother didnt want to he would have tried to move away.

Donnie being the closest, yet was also the one with the biggest aversion to touch but grew up with his clingy brothers, instantly came over, wrapping the dull blueish purple blanket around leo and sitting next to him with him arms open. The slider practically fell into his twins embrace, clinging to one of his arms like if he let go he'd be caused phsycial pain.

Raph came closer next, sitting down and handing leo his unicorn plush. It was around fifty centimetres tall, and it was leos absolute favourite. He got it when he was around eight, a gift from his brothers for his birthday one year. Mikey spent months figuring out the perfect gift, then sent raph and donnie up top to find it with the help of april.

It was something leo always wanted while in a bad mood. Ever since he was little if he didnt want it at the time he liked uni to hang out in raphs room so he wasnt lonely. He stopped having uni while with his family (if he could help it) around the age of eleven. He had snuck into the media room while splinter was watching his shows, and there was a little boy making fun of another little boy for like unicorns. Coincidentally both children were around leos age. His brothers still knew he had uni and loved him, no matter how much he tried to hide it.

By now leo was sitting in between donnies legs, curled up next to his plush with the fluffy blanket wrapped around him, blocking donnie and leo from skin to skin contact while the soft shells arms hugged tightly. Donnie was very thankful, touching was easier without being able to directly feel another person.

Both middle children were sitting in raphs lap, his warm, large, protective big brother presence always They just wanted to ground leo at this point; all they could do was give him as much comfort as possible, keep him out of his own head until he calmed down. Mikey was sitting infront of the slider, rubbing soft circles on his shell and whispering comforting encouragements.

After around twenty minutes, leos breathing had mostly returned back to normal besides the occasional hitch in his breath.

"hey lee? theres my baby brother, you did so well. how're ya feeling?" raph cooed softly, as if talking to a small child, placing a hand on the sliders head comfortingly. Leo glanced up at his oldest brother, and raph felt his heart break into millions of tiny little pieces at just how- how small and tired he looked. The snapper kept his smile, not wavering. He had to be strong at the moment.

How had they never noticed how genuinely tired leo was? Did they just wave it off because of his insomnia? That had to be the main reason, because there was no way they didnt care about leo. They just didnt pay enough attention... and they knew leo knew that. It hurt.

The slider quickly buried his head in between the plush in his arms and donnies chest, letting out chirps while gripping the plush for the first time.

Chirps; Noises they havent heard from their brother since he was ten.

"red earred sliders tend to hide when they are stressed, that chirp did not sound very happy and..." donnie trails off, brows furrowing slightly in confusion.

"but leo hasnt chirruped like that since he was ten" mikey mumbled, thinking intently.

"hey thats kinda ironic considering as far as raph remembers all leos like... moody stuff started happening sometime after he turned ten" raph whispered, already feeling bad they were talking as if leo wasnt right there.

The slider shifted, tightening his grip on his unicorn and sniffling. Donnie looked to mikey, having a silent coversation that raph was totally lost trying to translate.

Both younger turtles seemed to have the same idea; Leo was acting like he did when he was younger, could it be age regression? It didnt seem voluntarily or like leo was exactly aware he was acting a bit younger either. But he was in a safe and controlled environment, and if this could be a healthier coping mechanism to deal with whatever was going on then mikey was sure there wasnt any downfall to it; he could help leo.

Then again it could just be the fact he was extremely emotional and cuddly. Maybe leo was just in another mood and he was acting like what his brothers picked up as child him. Either way, they were going to make sure he was okay. If leo was going to act smaller, then they would be gentle and treat leo like a little leo and see what happens.

Leo always felt safe around his brothers, and especially as a turtle tot he always loved praise and attention. So donnie talked to leo while mikey quickly whispered in raphs ear to fill him in.

"hey nardo, can you look at me? i want to make sure you're okay" donnie definetly wasnt good with kids, snotty nosed and loud. But he could handle his twin.

Leo looked up to his brother, sad eyes now dry without tears. Donnie offered his best comforting smile.

"there you are, are you feeling better now?" Leo was adjusting the blanket around his body, pulling it over his shoulder from where it was falling. He shifted into more of a sitting position rather then laying, sitting uni in his lap. He nodded his head, sniffing again.

"you were bleeding a little, can i clean it up and put fresh bandages on? i think michael might have those colourful bandaids we can put on your face instead of the boring medical ones you usually use" donnie suggested. The blood from the scratches and cuts were dry now, thankfully he didnt pull apart any of his currently healing cuts on his wrist.

"can they be purple like your colours?" leo mumbled so quietly donnie almost missed it. The softshell couldnt help the smile that graced his lips at the question. The warm colour-coded turtles watched the twins fondly.

"raphael could you place us back on the gurney and retrieve the colourful bandaids?" donnie asked, going back to his usual blank face. His eyes were still soft, and his face relaxed. For a moment they forgot leo tried to kill himself a few hours ago. Just for a moment.

"sure little brothers. raphs gotcha" determined to be helpful, raph gently set the twins on the bed, giving leo a pat on the head and running off to find the colourful bandaids that would either be with mikeys stickers or raphs stuffed animals.

On the occasion one of raphs plushies would rip, the oldest would always run to leo in near tears (depending on how bad the rip was) and beg for him to fix it. Leo would always smile softly and reassure him "calm down biggest bro, leons gotcha covered" , taking the plush immediately and sewing the damage up perfectly. Then they'd both add colourful bandaids along the stitches until raph forgot all about it.

The slider had been a pain in raphs side ever since he could remember, but Leo was a good brother. One of the best the snapper could ask for.

Raph felt a newfound anger for his dad blossom inside him. He'd always had a tiny resentment towards splinter for practically making him a parental figure to the others. This was a resentment he knew leo was also had, something the snapper heard leo mention a few times when arguing with pops.

The oldest could never bring himself to step in between the screaming matches between his brother and father. Leo was always so... so angry with him. Raph always had a part of him that told him leos anger was completely justified, something that kept him from interfering with leo getting his undying rage out. Leos anger was definetly justified. But he there were more than a few times he should have stepped in, they all should have.

He remembers that time splinter threw leo into a wall, screaming at him demanding him to tell him what was wrong with him. Up until being thrown into a wall, leo was yelling back. Then he went silent, taking it. When splinter left, he muttered something. Leo just let out a dry laugh through slow flowing tears "whatever you say pops", getting up and pulling his mask off. It was after a mission that didnt go so well, mikey had gone in his shell and gotten knocked around. He was only a bit scraped up, but he wasnt badly hurt.

The rat man blamed leonardo, the failing leader. It was never leos fault.

Something stopped raph from going in until after splinter had left; now he wishes he went to his brother earlier, stopping the fight as soon as splinter was mad. His father never ever yelled at any of them like that, never yelled screamed or got physically abusive - even towards raph as the previous leader and older brother. It was always leo.

Raph returned with the colourful bandaids and a cup of water, seeing the twins sitting across from eachother on the gurney while donnie finished up rebandadging the sliders wrists, as well as adding a couple to his thighs.

Mikey was asking leo questions about how he felt, which to raph looked like the slider was just shrugging off most of the questions as if he didnt know what he was talking about. The snapper walked over with a bright smile, holding the bandaids out for one of his little brothers to take.

"raphs got the colours!" he beamed upon leos eyes meeting his own.

Granted it did take raph a good twenty minutes to find them, but he got them!

Most the bandaids werent blue, leo either not feeling the need to replace his own colour or just constantly using them on himself. Leo was always very protective over the others health, deeming himself the medic at age seven when he asked santa clause for a medkit. Splinter had asked if he wanted a football or something instead, but leo was set on his choice.

Donnie always got little cuts on his fingers, purple bandaids from leo. Mikey fell on his knees a lot from bouncing instead of walking, orange bandaids from leo. Raph was a gentle giant, running into things a lot, red bandaids from leo.

Leo had been keeping this family together for years, in more ways than one. The three were just starting to realise that.

"ok little brother have some water while you decide which colours you want" raph asked, offering the slider a glass of water.

He took the water, taking a sip and holding it. Uni was now discarded to the side and leos eyes looked to have less of the upset childlike glint in them raph used to see when splinter wouldnt hang out with them. Instead they looked like the dull, tired eyes leo would leave his room with on some mornings when he would barely talk to them.

"how're feelin buddy?" raph asked sincerely. Leo shook his head.

"m' fine raph" he mumbled. Mikey visibly relaxed at the sliders slightly scratchy voice. He mustn't have been giving verbal answers, raph guessed.

"thats good im glad. now what colours?" The slider obviously wasnt fine, but raph was not going to push right now. It wasnt the time for that.

Leo said all the colours, but still wanted mostly purple, still feeling clingy towards his twin. Donnie didnt mind.

Leo was all patched up, a few coloured bandaids across his face and hands. They were just about to start talking to leo when donnies phone rang.

"whosit?" raph asked, raising his non-existent brow.

"sigh. its nardos friend, the snake yokai" donnie said, glaring slightly at his phone screen, about to click decline when mikey stopped him.

"leo you do want to talk to him? you dont have to if you dont want to" mikey asked, taking donnies phone and holding it out to leo. The slider sighed and took the phone, clicking answer.

"donatello? hows leo?" milos voice came through the phone. The sides of leos mouth quivered upwards slightly, unnoticeable to anyone.

"hey lolo" he said quietly.

"lelo you're okay! i was really worried you dingbat, are you okay? your brother literally didnt say anything and just said you fucking tried to kill yourself and then wouldnt answer his phone!" milo exclaimed, no anger towards donnie but he was obviously worried for his friend.

"im okay, my brothers fixed me up. i was just being a fuckwit like usual" leo said dryly, sending a glare towards his twin who just shrugged unapologetically. His brothers listened to the call quietly.

"what happened leo? did you really jump off that building...?" milo asked quietly. Leo sat silently for a moment, tapping his fingers on his chest.

"yea i- 'sigh' ill tell you about it next time i see you. i dont really know what to say righ' now" leo mumbled, tapping his fingers faster. Milo seemed to hear the anxiety in the sliders tone.

"thats okay, just dont do anything dangerous for a while please. you're like a freaking trounble magnet. promise me you're all good and youll call me if you need?" milo said, tone genuine and caring.

Both boys had really learnt to love eachother over the past couple months. It was really sweet how close they were, one time an elder yokai lady told them how cute of a couple they were. Both of them were too embarrassed to correct the sweet old lady, so milo smiled and thanked her while pulling leo into his side by the waist.

"i promise, and i will. if i can find my phone" leo let out an infectious chuckle that caused milo to let out his own laugh over the phone; something that always made leo smile.

"your brother has it, the red one. you left it with me when you went through the portal" milo hummed. Leo did do that didnt he? He didnt totally remember everything, it was a little bit of a blur. But he remembered how he felt.

"okay thank you, sorry for ditching you earlier" leo said apologetically, feeling guilty for worrying the snake yokai.

"dont be sorry dude seriously. I've gotta go now, but i meant what i said got it? i love you" heat rose to leos cheeks slightly at the words.

It was so... nice having someone care for him. Understand him. Maybe milo didnt understand all of leo, but he never went away no matter what version of leo he was met with. He just treated leo like leo, and loved him for it.

Loved. It was a foreign word to use in this sense. April was his big sister, his brothers loved him. And then there was his pops. Big mama had her troubles with the turtles, but the blue one had always been her favourite. Draxum was draxum. He cared in his own weird war crazed weirdo way.

Milo? it was different.

"love you too lolo, bye" leo mumbled back, a very small smile gracing his lips as he waited for milo to say bye and end the call.

The slider handed the phone back to donnie, seeing the slightly intimidating look from his twin and older brother.

"did you guys pick up that hoodie with my sword on the roof?" leo felt a little embarrassed asking about his hoodie and sword after trying to kill himself, but that hoodie was from lolo.

"yeawaitillgogetthehoodie!" mikey said quickly, running off out of the room. As soon as he ran out he was back, handing the slider the hoddie and watching him as he put it on.

Leo was still cold okay? And milos hoodies were the fucking warmest things ever. Sue him.

Looking towards mikey he was met with a bright smile.

"what" leo dead-panned, smiled flattening into a thin line. Miley only smiled harder.

"so whose 'at?!" mikey asked immediately, looking like he was about to burst.

"no. tello why do you look like you're gonna murder?" leo said, ignoring his younger brother and turning to his twin.

"have you had sex with him" donnie asked blankly. Raph near choked.

"yea" leo mumbled casually. There was really no point in lying about something like that anymore. He was sure milo had told them enough for donnie to ask that, and even though the softshell wasnt the most emotionally intelligent turtle he could be very very observant when he wanted to be.

"DONATELLO- LEONARDO- ugh you know what screw it i dont even know who to yell at. go for it" raph was going to scold SOMEONE- but ultimately gave up before he started.

"disapproved sigh. you're lucky yokai dont carry sexually transmitted diseases like humans do nardo, because i know for a fact you did not use protection everytime" donnie muttered angrily. Leo shrugged tiredly. He didnt really care, he wanted to die anyways.

"can we get out of here now?" leo asked, already done with this conversation.

"sure buddy, but we're still having a talk about this. where we gonna go?" raph said sweetly, trying to keep donnie from rebooting his weapons and storming out to find milo. That was for a later date, featuring raphael and Dr delicate touch.

Leo mumbled a quick " 'm rooms fine" surprising the others, but not showing any complaints. Raph was at the ready, picking up the slider into his arms and carrying his little brother to his room in spite of the quiet protests. Mikey made sure to grab uni and the blanket, skipping behind his brothers while tugging donnie along behind him.

All four boys made it to leos room, shutting the door and piling onto the bed. Leo was worried for the integrity of his bed, but that was the least of his problems right now.

"okay leo. time for you to start talking."

Chapter Text

The boys waited for leo to say something, anything. The slider really didnt want to.

"yay honesty, therapy... woo" leo muttered sarcastically, an unimpressed look on his face.

"leo you arent getting out of it this time, you need to talk about this and tell us whats going on" raph said sternly. Leo just sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"look, i get it. i really do. you need to know about why the hell leon tried to kill himself, i really do get it trust me. but i cant talk about it right now. i will, im not trying some stuid manipulative scheme to get out of it just- i just cant talk about tonight right now, okay? i dont know what to tell you" The three wanted to push more, they really did need to know why leo had that reaction. Why a family intervention turned into leo coming very close to dying by his own hands. But they were trying to be understanding, and if leo couldnt talk about that tonight, then they were going to talk about something else.

"okay fine, thats okay. why dont we start with something easier then? we have all the time in the world to talk and dont need to go through everything tonight, but we do need to talk as soon as possible." mikey said, doctor feelings shining through.

"how 'boutcha explain what led you to the... drug thing?" raph asked, taking the lead in the conversation.

Leo already had a panic attack over pops, talking about him should be reserved for another day. The hypersexual activity could easily tie into daddy issues, and then it would defeat the purpose of not talking about splinter. Raph also thought the sex thing was very private and they shouldnt force leo to talk about it if he wasnt ready, they'd just prevent him from continuing. Leo couldnt mentally handle explaining why he fell off that ledge, so that was out. This was the best they were gonna get.

"yea i... i can do that. yea" leo mumbled unconfidently.

"go ahead then, when you're ready" mikey nudged, trying to speed it up just a little bit but being patient.

"the weed was like, a coping mechasim i guess. pretty stereotypical reasoning for using drugs. im not like, addicted to it or anything, but ive done it a lot and its nice. it started when i met milo for the first time, i saved him from a street thug and he asked how he could thank me. i was like, joking, and told him unless he had something fun for me or whatever then dont worry about it. he pulled out some stuff for a couple joints, and i used them the next night. i got his number and yea. id either smoke by myself or with him. the other drugs started when his friends would give him some other shit just because. he doesnt use that shit, but when i found out he had the other stuff i started to use it. milo was against it, but he cant control my life and i wasnt being like dangerous with it or anything because i was around him, so he didnt stop me. i dont want you guys to think hes a shitty person for letting me do what i do, but he knows he cant control me which is why. he also knows that if i dont use what he has and arent with him ill just get it somewhere else, hes trying to keep me safe. hes always been sweet and treated me like me no matter what shitty me i am that day." leo said, unconsciously avoiding the topic of why he used it to begin with.

"its a coping mechanism" was only really the beggining.

"okay, but why did you turn to drugs as a coping mechanism? there are lots of ways to cope, so why go to something so dangerous and unhealthy" mikey asked calmly, encouraging leo to continue.

Leo didnt answer at first, staring off into space as if in a daze. Raph nudged him from his right, waving a hand infront of his face.

"leo?" huh? what did they want? oh right- uh, why'd he turn to drugs?

"huh? sorry, uh nothing else worked. and probably just because i love to self-destruct. its comforting and faniliar and fun- anyways i tried like.. the healthy ones like hobbies and shit, and then i tried the unhealthy ones and then i tried the really unhealthy ones and now im here so... like- i tried sleeping, right? but i have insomnia. and when i do get to sleep i have nightmares as well. which is why id sneak out every night instead" leo says waving one hand around to emphasise his point.

"why do you not try taking those sleeping pills you used after the invasion, they seemed to work did they not? you slept quite soundly even when not on pain medication" donnie asks, sitting to the left of leo.

"they dont get rid of the nightmares- and having pills is too tempting to down them all. i wouldnt wake up" leo said, as if it was the most casual typical thing in the world. His brothers all felt a sinking pit in their stomachs at the confession.

"okay well maybe having us around more you might sleep better. you kept falling asleep in dons lab, so maybe having us around makes you feel better" raph suggested, smiling hopefully.

"i just wanted to forget everything. to have control or completely give it up. relinquishing control to you guys would have worried you heaps and i didnt want that. getting high lets me relinquish control, not having to worry about anything. so did the sex, everyone liked me... submissive" leo mumbled the last bit, a sour look on his face. He wasnt thinking about milo, he was thinking about the older yokai. But why did he get such an... off feeling when thinking about it.

"whereas on patrol and missions i have control as the leader. at home i have no control, so i make something to control. i control how you view me, your reactions to me and things i do. sorry its kinda manipulative, im a massive psycho asshole- but it prevents a lot of bad things" leo pauses, looking forwards at nothing again.

"le-" mikey begins talking, but the slider holds on of his hands up and quickly shoves his head in between his raised knees and chest, sneezing.

"bles-"

"ACHOO"

"bless y-"

"ACHOO"

"ACHOO"

"ACHOO"

"ACHOO"

"...bless you?"

Leo groans, pulling his head out of his lap and sniffing.

"nardo thats disgusting" donnie says, a disgusted look on his face.

Leo just groans again, flopping to the side and leaning on raph, cuddling into his warmth slightly. Being the only one without his mask on, the others easily noticed his tired eyes and large eyebags on his face. His eyes were slightly tinted red and his green skin was slightly pale. Even his bright red stripes looked more dull.

"raphie you're warm" he mumbled, eyes drooped tiredly. Raph just chuckles.

"yea leo raph is, wan' a blanket?" leo nodded his head, watching as donnie grabbed the blueish blanket from the side of the bed.

"here" the softshell said, draping it over leo and watching him wrap it around himself.

"thanks tello" leo said, snuggling into the blanket. It really was his favourite, especially considering it was technically donnies.

"hey leo does the control thing have anything to do with your eating problems?" mikey asked, remembering a few weeks ago when leo said he wasnt hungry then hit the food onto the floor, heating up and argument between splinter and the slider. That, or something similar, had happened a concerningly large amount of times and mikey was only just realising it.

"yea. its like, i can control barely anything in my life. im barely trusted let alone listened to as the leader- or even as your brother. my own emotions are obviously not properly regulated like normal people and i dont understand it. so eating is one simple thing i can control, even if its disordered" leo said, slightly nodding his head.

He had to try and convince himself thats what he had been thinking during those times, because he wasnt thinking that right now. His thoughts and emotions constantly changed- but not in the normal way. And he can barely ever remember how it felt like or what he was thinking. It was scary and confusing. There was something wrong with him, gaps in his memory and feelings he doesnt know when or why he felt as if appearing out of thin air.

Right now he knew he was tired. His brain was cloudy and his body had a dull ache that was more annoying rather then painful. His nose was stuffy, throat itching and there was a pushing sensation behind his eyes. He was numb and tired; he didnt want to do anything. He didnt want to be alive, but going out of his way to hurt or kill himself right now was way too much effort. He just wanted to curl up in bed and waste away. He didnt care what happened, he didnt need control. He was fine being controlled like a puppet- he was just too tired. He didnt care about keeping how he felt to himself like usual, his brothers wanted honesty. Might as well give it to em cause how the fuck else could this get any fucking worse.

He his because they wouldnt listen and he didnt want them to worry, well fuck thats off the table isnt it? They already worried because they had to watch him almost die by his own hands in mulitple ways. Not talking could easily worry them more. Opening up might make him seem delusional and insane but it was a risk he didnt care about taking.

If he was lucky draxum would convince mikey that the least favourite should be sent to a mental ward, then have mikey convince the others. Off he'd go, he'd be good enough to earn some privacy then kill himself. Maybe terrorise a few people first, for funsies. Just be totally insane and unhinged like he fantasised about over and over and over-

Fuck maybe he should be medicated and locked up.

"okay, look i think we speak for all of us when we say we dont want you to continue using drugs. maybe there can be an acception for you and milo but under strict rules because we dont want more incidents with the substances messing with your chemical make-up- so only marijuana because its a coping mechanism- but not all the time." leo nodded along, mostly listening but not really. They'd tell him again tomorrow and the next day and the next.

"and with your eating we could make meal plans for you, as well as set times when you eat so that you have a controlled schedule. it wont mess with your need for control and we'll be able to make sure you have a healthy food intake- does that sound alright?" mikey asked, trying to search his brain for ways to make this easier for leo.

This wasnt just some simple trauma response they could work around, like mikeys once shaky arms and donnies aversion to squishy foods. They had been overcome with a lot of difficult days, but this was different. This was a genuine psychological problem, a mental disorder or multiple that cant be just as simple as "im healed and recovered!"

It worried mikey, what if he couldnt help?

Leo just said sure, he didnt really care.

"you'd probably want me medicated and locked up if i voiced all my thoughts" leo hummed absent-mindedly, not noticing how his brothers tensed at the statement.

How bad was leos mental health, really?

He coughed a little, letting out a small whine at his sore irritated throat and snuggling into raphs arm more.

Raph smiled warmly, wrapping his arm around his little brother and bringing him close to his chest.

"ya are sick and tired arncha?" raph cooed, chuckling softly.

"how you know?" leo mumbled, coughing a little and screwing up his face slightly.

"when ya were younger and sick and tired, you were always super clingy and cuddly. normally it would be to donnie, but little him had a serious aversion to germs likw- he'd scream if you came near him while sick- so you glued yourself to raph. its like how donnie gets cuddly in his sleep, must be a twin thing" raph smiles warmly at the memories, rubbing smooth circles on leos cheek with his thumb; a soothing movement that always got leo to shut up and relax as a kid while watching movies.

Sure it wasnt that fun having to keep a clingy tired sick turtle tot from his twin to keep him from getting sad about said twin screaming at him, but once leo learnt to cling to raph instead it was all good.

"yea but m not sick now" leo mumbled, his eyes occasionally drooping shut before snapping them open.

"you always insisted you werent sick" raph chuckled fondly.

"yea lee even i remember that, anytime you get sick you never admit it" mikey said, tone teasing and light compared to the previous doctor feelings visit.

"i can confirm, nardo was a disgusting child constantly illness ridden and in denial" donnie added monotonously, not missing a chance to insult his twin.

Leo might be in slight denial of physical sickness, but at the moment he was fully aware- almost hyperaware of the illnesses that clawed around in his head. It was a loud cage fight in there.

"don thats not very nice. its true, but you could have worded that differently" raph said while mikey tried to stifle his laughs.

They looked towards leo, seeing the sliders eyes still drooping closed for seconds at a time before he'd bounce back up.

"okay i think doctor feelings is clocking off for the night!" mikey exclaimed, flopping onto the bed in a laying position.

There was no point in trying to get through to leo tonight, or even get him to open up. The slider was too unresponsive and hazy, barely paying attention to begin with.

"yayy no more stupid emotional shit" leo mumbled, pumping a fist into the air sluggishly, coughing as he did so.

"ok leo you've offically used up raphs swear word tolerance. language" raph stated sternly, to leo just stuck his tongue out childishly.

"nardo, follow up question, when was the last time you ate an actual meal? i had fluids and nutrients running through the IV you so barbarically tore out of your hand, but you should most definetly chew and swallow and not vomit physical food" donnie explains in his usual blank tone, hoping leo would actually respond.

"i dunno. week 'go? dont remember to be honest" leo said, trying to keep himself awake.

He didnt want to sleep right now. Yes he was incredibly tired and currently falling asleep as we speak, but it was weird. If his brothers told him to sleep and slept with him then thats fine okay, but just... falling asleep seemed too weird. He couldnt explain it. Was it a vulnerability thing?

Sure he could use it as a way to get out of the conversations currently occuring, and then pretend to sleep off his sickness for the next however long to prolong the process. It was weird. But fuck it his eyes are so heavy and his brother is so incredibly warm and comforting.

His cheek under his eye being rubbed gently was lulling him to sleep, and raph knew that. Thats why he was doing it. Leo could picture the triumphant smirk his big brother probably had as leo was losing this battle. Stupid big sibling bullshit.

His eyes snapped open again, immediately dropping. When did his eyes close?

"don, look at him. i dont even think he heard you just leave it until the morning" raphs gentle voice rumbled his chest. Donnie was talking?

"raph he needs food-" donnie starts, feeling worried for his twin.

"he's not awake enough to eat dee, he'll probably either spill it everywhere, drop it, choke on it or fall asleep in it. either way it ends with more work for everyone 'n leo not eatin. jus' wait for morning big guy, he'll be alright" raph quickly argues, leaving no room for discussion.

Donnie grumbles something inaudible, sighing and removing his battle shell and placing it on the floor. He wiggles around, laying backwards against leos side, pulling out his phone and typing immediately.

"turtle pile!" mikey cheers quietly taking a blanket and draping it over donnies legs, then grabbing a pillow to lay his head under as he placed it on donnies legs as well, spreading out across the bed.

"leo do you want uni? he looks lonely" mikey asks, knowing leo would immediately give in and grab the plush. He always felt bad if he thought his things felt lonely, it was something he would have gotten from raph.

The slider held out his hand towards mikey, who quickly handed leo the plush, watching as he snuggled it close to his chest. Mikey smiled warmly, positioning himself so he could watch donnies phone with him.

"buddy close your eyes, we're all good. get some rest big guy, we'll be here" and leo guessed raph was right, because when he was wrapped up in his brothers like this- what could possibly hurt him?

The kraang were gone. The shredder was gone. His dad wasnt here. There were no villains in the lair. Leo wasnt a danger to his brothers, atleast not right now.

Before he knew it, his eyes drooped shut for what had to be the millionth time. But this time they didnt snap open, this time leo let himself be pulled into a warm darkness as he slept in his brothers embrace.

Chapter Text

Leo woke up after two hours of sleep, tired as ever. Waking up was weird. Did that really happen? Ugh his fucking head was killing him... his brothers were around him, sleeping soundly. Even donnie was asleep, curled to the side and cuddling an equally clingy mikey. Raph was snoring softly, arm lazily wrapped around the slider, protecting him even in sleep.

Yesterday was a fucking blow. He was so dramatic, i mean, teenagers are the embodiment of moody. Leo wasnt special, or any different. He was perfectly fine.

Sure he hated himself, wanted to kill himself, had daddy issues and super bad mood swings and- but that really wasnt a big deal.

Who really cared? Certainly not leo.

He wiggled his way out of raphs grip silently, making sure donnies head didnt fall harshly onto the bed as he made his way towards the door.

Oh. He was still wearing milos hoodie, wasnt he? Did he want to keep it on? If he wore it much longer he thinks he'd never take it off. So he pulls it over himself and goes towards his clothing racks, folding it over the others so he doesnt forget it.

Now where did raph put his phone. The snapper wouldnt have hidden it like he definetly 'hid' leos swords, so it wouldnt be too far. It would have been put somewhere casual when they brought him home.

It was probably on the kitchen bench.

He walked out into the kitchen, it was silent. His pops must still be sleeping as well. More alone time for leo!

His phone was infact on the kicthen bench. Point for leo!

After six hours of sitting on the kitchen floor staring off into nothing trapped in his head it was 7am, so! leo started making tea. His most recent obsession was peppermint tea. Its supposed to help with a bunch of shit like headaches and stuff, so leo found himself constantly drinking it. It was warm as well, leo liked warm. It reminded him of good things.

Opening his phone while waiting for the water to boil, he noticed texts and missed calls from april, milo and his tìo hueso. Damn, he really left multiple people high and dry huh.

He sent a quick text to april,

• Apes pril •

- hey pril all good making tea in the kitchennnm lots of love ! !!! xoxoxox your favourite sexiest little brother 😨🙅🏽♀️🎉❤️✊🏿

Aprils next texts he didnt open, reading the minimal words on the notification and seeing she didnt seem very happy with his message. Well shes a shit loser, he certainly thought he was funny.

Next text was sent to his hueso.

• tìo pizza •

- hi tìo dont worry your sweet bald head sorry for not paying for the food btw im all good love u 🍕🍕🍕🍕

- pepinio i am very glad you are okay but what in the dios siempre amoroso are you saying

- you are at tú casa with your brothers sí?

- yep BM im actually in the kitchen rn ttly

Leo exited his and huesos chats, clicking on milos contact

• milo moo milk •

- lolo i have ur jumper

- yes i know i gave it to you remember

- yup just reminding u

- okay thanks dude
- how you feelin?

- super duper tbh like i was genuinely being so dramatic yk?
- oh wait actual tho i think i have a cold

- oh rlly? its not as if you were freezing running round in the cold with no clothes
- you with your bros?

- man you're like the second person to ask that
- they're sleeping rn im making tea raphie left my phone on the kitchen bench
- waters boiled making tea goodbye mi cariñooooo

- bye weirdo
- im here if you need me

Leo clicked out of milos contact, swiping away any remaining notifications and putting his phone back on the kitchen bench.

The tea was really look, acting as an instant soother for his scratchy and sore throat. He got lost in thought, staring off into nothing while comforted by the warmth in his hands.

Hes just being dramatic, right? Mood swings as a teenager is normal right? Hes totally overthinking it, being dramatic.

Sure he didnt want to feel this way, he wanted help but he didnt know if he needed it. Hes probably just overreacting, hes fine! Besides nothing is about him, hes living for his brothers. Whats the point of getting help, especially when theres obviously nothing wrong with him.

Yea, leos perfectly fine. Everythings perfectly fine in the head of Hamato Leonardo! He's genuinely just overthinking things because this was normal! Hes normal! Hes putting these dumb thoughts in his head, its his fault so- hes fine! Perfectly perfectly fi-

"nardo?" leo turned around to see donnie, standing in the kitchen doorway.

"hey dondon! have a good sleep?" the slider asked with a smile. He was feeling giddy, happy maybe? He was perfectly fine, so why shouldnt he be happy? If nothings wrong then act like it right?

"blue if nothing is wrong then act like it! do not walk around looking sad" his fathers voice rings through his head. It was a harmless piece of advice, and it stuck with leo! He remembered! Maybe he'll actually be a better son one day.

"how long have you been up?" donnie asks, ignoring the sliders question. Leo huffs and takes a sip of his tea.

"ok rude just not listen to my question, offence taken message recieved" he said in a fake offended tone, flipping his imaginary hair over his shoulder. He didnt notice how donnie flinched at the mention of not listening to leo.

"dont get your eyebrows in a twist i woke up like... 10 minutes ago. making tea, see?" leo held is mug forward, showing it off before bringing it to his mouth for another sip. Lying out his fucking ass might he add.

"mhm, how are you feeling?" donnie asked, eyebrows raised slightly.

"awesome! *cough* act-ually *cough* wait- *cought cough cough* you're not gonna believe this but i think i have a cold" leo started, backtracking after coughing obnoxiously.

Donnie just rolled his eyes, sure he wasnt the emotions guy but he already knew leo had a cold; the softshell was referring to the current mental state of his dum dum brother.

"you- *sigh* symptoms?" donnie asked blankly, looking at his wrist tech.

"hmm headachetiredcoughitchycratchysorethroatsneezingstuffynose- *breathe in* thats it!" leo announced, having to stop for a breath in between.

Donnie gave leo a dead look that said "bitch what the actual fuck". He ignored it.

"ok... how are you feeling mentally?" donnie asked slowly, hoping leo wouldnt have a bad reaction.

What leo did surprised the softshell; he simply finished taking a sip of his tea and smiled widely.

"im good! i realised that i was being mopey and im actually perfectly fine! sorry for the whole having to keep me alive thing yesterday, super low blow on my part hermano" leo said, completely serious although donnie couldnt tell.

"wha- you're serious? of course you're serious... what the hell. its too early in the morning and im too emotionally delclined to process this right now" donnie said sarcastically, rubbing his eyes.

"sorry dee! ill wait until you've had your coffee but yea, i decided im perfectly fine" leo said brightly.

"wait *sigh* thats not what i meant. what do you mean you're perfectly fine?" donnie asked, confused and concerned.

Leos mood had done another flip, and this was wasnt uncommon but the others always thought nothing of it or saw it was fake, a sham to convince them he was okay.

This was different, it sounded genuine. Like he was telling the truth- leo convinced himself he was fine.

"i mean im perfectly fine!" leo exclaimed after taking another sip of his tea.

"no you arent" raph and mikey walked into the kitchen, raphs stern voice filled with worry.

"yea i am raphala! i decided that life isnt that bad and im superrrr dramatic you know? its not about me and obviously neon leons making a big deal out of nothing again!" leo said knowingly, holding his mug unconciously close, an action that unknowingly brings the slider comfort.

"leo- is he delirious from being sick or something?" raph mutters to donnie, leo still heard it but chose to ignore it and he peered in the fridge.

"no his temperature isnt high enough to cause him to become delirious, but i am fairly certain he did not sleep- no he didnt he's been awake for six hours and nineteen minutes" donnie mutters, annoyed his brother lied to him again.

"hey how'd you know that?" leo closes the fridge, hands on his hips and eyes squinted suspiciously.

"lucky guess. definetly not a new tracker i installed in you- not at all why would you think that?" donnie said, voice wavering at the very obvious lie. The softshell never could lie.

Leo glared at donnie for a moment, then shrugging casually. "whatevs hermano"

"leo. you need to sleep, its important you know that"

"yea obviously but insomnia remember? im all good bro"

"if you're fine, do you regret trying to kill yourself?" mikey asked, non-existent eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"wellll not really- but! im sorry for-"

"you're sorry we found out and are here now, not that you tried to kill yourself to begin with. you dont regret it" mikey said with a sigh.

"technically yea- but you're not-" leo got interrupted again. This was starting to get frustrating, why weren't they listening to him?

"so do you still want to kill yourself? to die?" mikey pushed further, clearly backed up by their brothers.

"im not like actively trying to kill myself i guess but, im not put off by the thought of dying. but that-"

"see nardo this is serious. you're not fine" donnie declared, cutting leo off again.

Man why did they keep doing that. Why werent they listening to him- wait no this is normal. Breathe leo its normal! everythings fine and normal and sofuckingannoying-

"no but its normal im oka-" interrupted, again. Leo let out a low whine, clicking angrily. His brothers didnt hear that.

Breathe in and out leo, everythings fine. Perfectly fine. No need to get angry its fi-

"leo you're not fine! stop it and just listen to us" fuck it.

"you're not listening to me!" leo raised his voice, gripping his mug tighter. His smile disappeared.

"not listening to you? why would we-" it was leos turn to interrupt. They were going to listen to him.

"you're not listening! im FINE PERFECTLY FINE- why wont you listen to me?!" leos voice was gradually getting louder, angrier. Why were they interrupting him? Why werent they listening?

"why would we ever listen to you about this? you think we can trust you after-" donnie regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth, but this was quickly turning heated and both twins had a temper.

"Im perfectly fucking fine, alright? just trust me! listen to me for once in your life IM FINE" if leo gripped his mug any tighter he was sure it would break.

Leo was currently an overflowing gas bottle, light a match and he was going to explode. He was fine- why wouldnt they listen to him?!? They dont TRUST HI-

"if you're oh so perfectly fine then why'd you ATTEMPT SUICIDE? tell us why you tried to kill yourself!" donnie ordered, raising his voice from his usual monotone.

A match was lit.

"I DONT KNOW OKAY? i dont know- i could tell you that its because i hate myself and my life and i dont think i could feel shittier but i dont know if thats true. i could tell you its because i just didnt care if i lived or died and did it just for fun! i could tell you that the thought of being better never crossed my mind, that i deserved to die and i have no attachment to being alive- but am i telling the truth? was it even on purpose? am i just being dramatic? did i mean to go to that roof top? did i plan to kill myself, did i? DID I? I DONT FUCKING KNOW HOW I FELT OKAY?!" leo screams throwing his mug across the room, watching as it shatters when it hits the wall.

"how do you feel now" mikey asks, attempting to stay calm, trying to keep from adding fuel to leos quick growing fire. Leo chuckles darkly.

"piss off" leo spat bitterly, angry tears threatening to make his way down his face to match his uneven breathing.

Leo was spiralling, and fast. He didnt know what to do he-

He needed to hit something.

"did you want to kill yourself, or wa-"

"YES I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF FOR FUCKS SAKE" Leo screamed out, slamming his fists down on the kitchen bench repeatedly.

"FUCK"

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" leo screamed repeatedly, slamming his fists so hard raph was sure he'd break them.

"leo hey stop-" raph starts, quickly making his way closer to leo and grabbing him away from the bench.

"DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME" Leo screams, trying his best to shove the snapper away.

Raph wasnt expecting it, so he stumbled slightly but kept his hold on leo. He kicked and punched raphs plastron, clawing at his arms but to no avail. Screaming the entire time. Donnie and mikey watched, frozen with fear for their brother.

Donnie felt guilty, this was the exact thing he wanted to avoid. One of leos angry moods, an outburst. He'd seemed so lively mere minutes earlier, how did he fuck up so bad?

No, he thought. This wasnt donnies fault. Yes he shouldnt have let his temper get the best of him, but if leo was going to burst he was going to burst. Theres not currently anything they can do to prevent that. They dont know enough.

"LET ME GO LET ME GO YOU BIG FUCKING ASSHOLE LET ME GO" leo screamed, his scratchy voice sounding rough and broken when matched with the volume.

Where was splinter? Surely he could hear his son screaming. He was probably hiding, pretending not to hear.

"no leo im not going to let you go until you calm down, you can punch and scratch all you want. im not letting go of you little brother." raph said through leos screams, trying to keep himself strong and calm as the oldest.

It was better splinter wasnt here right now. Sure it would be nice having a parent to deal with these things, to soothe and comfort but raph was sure if splinter walked in right now with the current situation leo would try to attack him.

"shh i know. we're sorry leo. please calm down, we'll listen. we do trust you, but you need to calm down so we can talk. just let it all out big guy, im not letting go" Leo continued to scream and claw at his brother, drawing blood on the snappers skin. Raph paid no mind to it, it was just a few scratches. He needed to be here for leo right now, he couldnt let go. Leo needed this.

"there you go, let it out. i know its okay" raph soothed as he felt leos attacks die down, fatigue hitting the slider like a train.

Leo was still so mad- he wanted to be so mad he didnt want to be sad. Sad is- is overwhelming and painful its so much easier to be angry but angry is dangerous and oh god look what he did to raph-

How could leo stay so violently angry when raph sounded so understanding and genuine.

"i hate you" leo whispered, now still in raphs arms.

"i know buddy, its okay" raph said softly, not paying any mind to the hateful sounding declaration.

When leo pulled backwards raph didnt stop him, watching as the slider looked to his brothers then to the side. He went to leave the kitchen, promptly being stopped by donnie.

"where are you going?" the softshell asked.

Leo just pushed past his twin, muttering "med bay" and continuing to walk in that direction. The three left behind looked to eachother, quickly going towards the med bay. They were met with leo pulling out antiseptic wipes and a roll of thin bandaging.

"uh leo? whatre ya doing?" raph asked gently.

Leo walked over to raph, grabbing one of his arms and holding it upwards so he could wipe and bandage it. There wasnt much blood to begin with as they were only mere scratches, but leo knew as the medic that nails were the filthiest part of your body. He was still anrgy, eyes dead and cold as he silently cleaned and bandaged raphs arms.

"you know its not that bad buddy, i can do i-"

"shut up" leo muttered, already finishing up and putting the left over supplies away and disposing of the used wipes.

"alright. raphs shutting up" the snapper said with a chuckle, trying to avoid another rage outburst.

"leo" mikey called, un-flinching as the slider glared at him.

Why couldnt they just fucking leave him alone? He was perfectly fine- he IS perfectly fine they just pissed him off. Raph didnt deserve that... leos such a fucking asshole but- but he couldnt help it! He got so- so angry!

Leo walked out of the medbay and to the living room area, not having a set place in mind.

"nardo we should really ice your hands, they already look bruised" leo stopped walking and looked down at his hands.

Bloody nails and small cuts all over his green skin from the shattering ceramic on the cup. His hands were infact already showing bruising.

He ignored it, crossing his arms and hiding his hands away, turning his head away from his brothers.

"leo we need to have another talk. something new this time" mikey said gently.

"what could we possibly have to talk about" leo scoffed, muttering bitterly.

"why dont we get some food and-" leos mind screamed warning bells at him at the thought of food.

He wasnt hungry, he didnt want to eat. He wasnt going to eat. He didnt want to they couldnt make him it wasnt happening.

"no" he said simply, interrupting mikeys sentence.

"no? nardo you have to e-"

"dont. just dont. i dont care" leo spat bitterly, ignoring his brothers worry and frustration.

"thats okay buddy we'll eat when you're ready, can you atleast sit down with us?"

Leo didnt want to. He didnt want to talk he was so- so frustrated. He couldnt- fuck.

He needed something to take his mind off it.

"im going out" leo said simply, walking back towards the medbay. His swords were definetly hidden in one of the cupboards.

"what? leo no you're not yet back here!" the three quickly followed leo to the med bay.

Now, knowing his brothers they definetly put them in one of the medical cupboards. He organised them. This one had bandages and wraps, this one had antiseptics and other drugs, this one had surgery and stitching prep and this one was the extra cu- leo opened the fourth cupboard and low and behold his precious twin katanas.

To be honest leo missed his ōdachi, but hey! Double sword action, amiright?

He grabbed both, going to sheathe one then realising his didnt have his wraps or band on, just bandages and colourful bandaids from his imjuries. He drew a breath, slicing downwards to make a portal.

"LEONARDO I HEARD THAT MYSTIC ENERGY DO NOT GO THROUGH THAT PORTAL" donnie was having a field day with his temper today, mustnt have had his morning coffee.

Or maybe it was the fact that leo was so fucking angry and worked up that is was seeping into his twin.

He turned around and was met with his brothers, all a mixture of angry scared worried frustrated and all of the above.

"try stop me from going through this portal or follow me, i dare you. you wont find me" leo said, cold tired eyes burning surrounded by his red stripes.

"you cant just run away leo" raph tried to reason.

"ill be back in two hours. im just going to see milo, and if you follow me or come get me before you give me my fucking two hours i will run away and you. will. not. find. me" leo threatens, stepping through his portal, hearing the buzz of mystic energy drown out his brothers protests.

When the portal closes he finds himself in milos apartment. Infront of him is milo sitting on the couch, watching some shitty action movie.

"leo? what the fuck- hi?" milo asks confused and surprised, sitting up and giving leo an odd look.

"i told you to find something better to watch than those shitty ass action movies" leo muttered, placing his swords down and climbing onto the couch.

"yea yea shut it, are you ok dude you're all bandag-" milo tries, but is interrupted by a kiss.

"shhh cmon lets play" leo whispers, grabbing milos face and bringing him into a kiss.

"lelo- are you sure, right now? you're not in the right state of mi-" Interrupted by another kiss and a whine.

"yes i am lolo, and i want you right here right now. cmon ill suck you off, you love it when i do that~ you know i do it like no other" leo smirks, whispering seductively in the teens ear.

"fuck- yea baby you do but i dont want you to regret it later" milo says, fully in but wanting to make sure leos sure.

He needed something to cool off, or in this case let out a little heat. He knew milo didnt mind being used like that, they were close. Fuck buddies sure but bestfriends nonetheless.

"i wont mi dulce amor cmon~ let me take you here" he stuck his tongue out, licking up milos neck.

"then ill take all of you" he whispered, grinning deviously.

-

"lelo, not saying that wasnt great like usual but i totally wasnt expecting a booty call at nine in the morning" milo said, chuckling softly.

Both boys were now sprawlled out on the couch in eachothers arms, leo snuggled closely into milos chest as his strong arms wrapped around leos shell.

"needed to blow off steam, best way i know how" leo mumbled, numb now that the rage had passed with a visit from pleasure.

To be completely honest leo didnt find the casual sex all that fun. He oversexualised himself a lot, but he got a distraction and validation. Thats all he really cared about right now.

Even though he still got that weird feeling when he thought about having sex with randos at clubs and bars. He couldnt remember anything bad happening, so why did he even feel that way?

"we should work on finding other ways to deal with your anger issues you know" leo hummed, snuggling closer to the snake yokai.

"nah. this is more fun"

"is it?" that was the question. Was it really fun or was it just a mentally unstable distraction.

When leo didnt answer, milo just sighed and changed the topic.

"your bros know you're here? i totally dont want them kicking my ass" milo said, and he meant it. All three of them were scary as fuck.

"they know im with you. i told em id be back in 2 hours" leo mumbled, not really feeling anything towards going home.

"well shit you better get going soon then"

"soon"

Another beat of silence, drowned out by the quiet buzz of things blowing up on the tv and leos brain wanting to explode.

"so why'd you do it?" leo asked quietly, gentle as ever.

Leo thought for a moment. Why did he do it? Because it was just the option he wanted. Being better never sounded like an option and he couldnt think of a reason why he shouldnt do it. He deserved it, afterall.

"deserved it. couldnt think of a reason not to. plain just wanted to and didnt feel any attachment towards living" leo said casually, slightly muffled. Milo squeezed leo tighter, closer as if he'd disappear.

"you tell your brothers that?"

"more or less" he responded, ending the conversation.

After a little while leo got up, announcing that he should go before his brothers came and chucked a tantrum.

"hey leonardo" the snake yokai called out just as leo was about to step through his portal.

"for the record, im glad you're alive. im always here when you need me. however you need and for whatever you need" milo said, and honestly if leo didnt feel so numb and careless right now he would have told milo he was too good for this world and himself. But instead he just pulled a fake smile, one so sickenly sweet that milo definetly knew was fake, saluted him off then walked through the portal.

Back in the lair. Awesome. Leo sighed and leaned his swords against his wall, now back in his own room. Suddenly his door was opened and their were three figures in his room.

"alright leo. time for another talk"

Chapter Text

"okay first of all show me your hands. now" donnie ordered impatiently, waiting for leo to stick his hands out mostly unwillingly.

His hands were dark green with bruising, purple blotching that was already turning yellow. There was still a bright red bandaid on his hand from where he ripped out his IV to match the few others along his face, but the amount of little cuts, already scabbing, that the softshell knew leo would pick at and make bleed needed to be covered. His nail cuticles were picked at and bloody, mixed with raphs and his own blood.

"im going to get things for those, remember i am not above sedating you" donnie said with a glare that clearly held no vemon, leaving quickly to retrieve a few supplies.

Leo sat picking at his nails absent-mindedly, paying no attention to the very truthful threat. What were they going to make him talk about today? What stupid usually private breakdown are they going to initiate and witness today?

"where did you go?" raph asked sternly, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to leo.

Leo moved backwards away from raph, leaning his shell against the wall and not meeting his eyes.

"milos" was a all he said in response, not in the mood to talk.

"what were you doing with him? did you... take anything?" raph asked cautiously, rightfully so as well. Leo really couldnt blame the big guy.

"no" he mumbled truthfully, raph still looked cautious but believed him.

"so what were you doin?" raph continued questioning.

"blowing off steam"

"how" raph demanded. Leo sighed and looked towards the roof.

"giving a blow job then-"

"okay nevermind thanks for telling raph" the snapper quickly interrupted, really not needing to know everything.

"lee, i know you probably dont want to but you really need to eat. when was the last time you ate, two or more days ago? we dont need to do big meals, just a few things at a time" mikey smiled hopefully when leo met his eyes.

Leo looked at his little brother. Why was it so important- well he knew why it was important, as the medic obviously. But it didnt mean he cared for it. Hes gone this long without actual food so why does it matter to his little brother so much?

He looked towards raph, who was also smiling hopefully, nervous encouragement wafting off the snapper in waves. Leo sighed quietly, directing his eyes towards the bed and nodding his head faintly.

Mikey couldnt have been happier, quickly bouncing up and going to leave to retrieve food but stopping to reassess his brother.

"hey leo! fruit and yoghurt?" pineapple, apple and melons to be exact. It had become a comfort food for the slider, the sweetness and crunch of the fruit was always welcome. He didnt really want to eat, but he was honestly craving it. It was embarrassing to admit, oddly enough.

Leo never really liked sweets, lollies and candies like his brothers did. There were still a few of them he'd eat, but the sweetness just grossed him out. He also wasnt allowed it much as a kid, mikey and leo had bad sugar rushes. But the sweetness of fruits never turned him away.

Leo didnt eat yoghurt that much. He liked it but he preferred to leave it for mikey with his breakfast bowls and donnie on his bad sensory days.

When it came to leos bad sensory days, he would simply not eat. Mikey and raph would always insist he ate, never having many sensory no no days where they couldnt do activities like eating. Sure mikey experienced overstimualtion with his own ADHD, but neither had them like leo and donnie had experienced with ASD.

With leos ADHD and ASD crossing over, his sensory days always seemed to be more complex to deal with. He was always easily extremely under-stimulated on a normal day, so overstimulation days were intense.

Moral of the story, donnie always got the other two to leave leo alone, sympathising with the slider. It was an autistic twin thing. Something added on that they bonded over.

"dont care" leo muttered blankly, rubbing circles into the palm of his hand.

Mikey tried to keep his smile from faltering, giving leo one last look before running out of the room.

"hey big guy, you doing ok?" raph asked gently, now being the only one left in the room.

Somewhere inside leo felt guilty for what had happend earlier, but what he was currently feeling - or not feeling - pushed more towards justification of his outburst. He still felt like apologising though, thats what you're supposed to do, even if he wasnt sorry. Maybe it'd get raph off his trail a bit.

He didnt answer the snapper, offering only a blank look raph responded with a synpathetic one. As if he knew what leo was feeling. As if he understood. He didnt, raph had the wrong idea. Leo wasnt feeling bad he wasnt feeling at all.

"i get it lee, and im not upset or anything about earlier. we shouldve given you space at that point, but i really hope ya unda'stand we cant do that now. is there somethin you wanna talk with raph 'bout?" raph sounded so... caring and understanding.

Something in leo was aware it was good, safe. Knew that it was love and care and his heart should be breaking at the unending kindness and support from his big brother. But he really didnt care. He didnt know how else to express it but he didnt fucking care. It was just... a waste of time. Not in a depressive or asshole type way, in a genuine you're wasting your time because im emotionally incapable of having your words mean something to me and im too numb to care about that either.

"i got pissed off this morning. i didn't sleep, but i was fine. ive got a cold apparently, so there's that. i was fine- i am fine. but you guys wouldnt listen" leo said painly, continuing to rub circles into his palm and picking at the little cuts that already scabs from this morning. It was a soothing feeling, his stimulation levels were going a bit wonky at the moment.

He clearly wasnt going to wear his usual wrappings or clothing items for god knows how long. When was the last time he even wore his mask?

Leo noticed mikey and donnie standing outside his room by the doorframe, thinking they were hidden. He ignored them for the moment, it wasnt like he was saying anything important.

"yea i realised that and im sorry we didnt listen to you while you were trying to explain." raph said, clearly waiting for leo to continue speaking.

"that night, i portalled to the rooftop without thinking. when i got up there i didnt hesitate, i was enjoying the moment. not being here was something I'd wanted or felt- indifferent to? i felt indifferent to being here. nothing in my head told me not to." he said plainly, looking up at his older brother and then looking over to the doorway and making eye-contact with the other two.

His brothers looked so sad and lost, what because he doesnt like being alive? Who the fuck likes being alive.

"leo you..." raph started, at a loss for words at the reveal. Mikey and donnie had walked in the room, both taking a seat on the bed.

Mikey was next to raph and donnie next to leo. The softshell gently took leos hands, giving them a quick wipe and double checking nothing was out of place. He then took out some of the thin banages, to just wrap up leos palms because of the tiny slices instead of using bandaids. Leo quickly pulled away when he realised donnie wanted to bandage his palms, going back to the rubbing and picking at the sores. Donnie pulled a confused face at first, but then quickly looked back towards leos hands and understood.

"you have already made the slices reopen by your relentless and disgusting habit of picking at scabs. playing with your hands will only hurt your bruising. is there something else that could substitute?" donnie asked, understanding where leo was coming from.

Leo thought for a moment, he didnt particularly want his hands wrapped in bandages, he already had them all the way from his wrists to his shoulders. But he guessed it was fine. He started to rub his feet back and forth on the bed softly.

"socks?" he asked donnie, more of a question of whether it'd help or not. He couldnt tell whether he was under-stimulated or overstimulated. He felt the need for movement, repetitive and maybe slight pressure. But the thought of touch made him feel oddly sick in his... throat? Stomach?

Donnie offered a small awkward looking smile, temporarily ditching the bandages and reaching over to leos little basket of socks and pulling out a fluffy grey pair he knew leo loved. He held them out, offering them to leo and waiting for him to put them on before taking his hands and bandaging his palms.

Now he looked like he was wearing fingerless gloves that went around his shoulders, made out of bandages.

Donnie handed leo an icepack to hold to help with the bruising, watching as his brothers now sock covered feet rubbed softly on the sheets.

Leo ate in silence, the only noises he made were sneezes and coughs between eating, listening to the others talk occasionally about random things. When leo finished and put the bowl next to him, immediately being taken by raph and put on the bedside table.

Let the therapy session begin. yay.

"leo we love you so much, you know that right? and we're so sorry we haven't listened to you, or payed attention as much as we should have. i know you say you're fine, but lee you're not. i know you know that deep down. hurting yourself, not eating, not sleeping, taking drugs, the whole sexual situation we havent talked about yet? you know that isnt healthy. and... everything else you know. with dad and the invasion. things you dont talk about you know? we're really worried about you and want to help, but we need you to let us help. please lee, you're not okay" mikey said, big glossy eyes filled with unshead tears, pleading and hopeful. This wasnt doctor feelings or doctor delicate touch. It was mikey, caring and worried little brother.

"leo, mikes right. you're one of my baby bros and I'd do anything for you. 'nd i know i havent been able to protect you like i should have, 'nd we havent been here for you like we should have. but we are now" raph sounded so sincere, the biggest most warm smile on his face.

"*sigh* nardo you know how bad i am at these but you are my dum dum twin and you are talented, and smart and a surprisingly effective and great leader- actually thirty eight percent more effective than raphael but that is besides the point. let us help you" donnie said, trying to sound as genuine as possible even though his brothers knew his blank tone was just his voice and not an expression of his emotions.

Leo looked to each of them and almost felt bad, but he couldnt fix this. What was the point. He went to talk- then sneezed. Fucking cold. He sighed and spoke.

"look, guys. a part of me appreciates this i promise you, like i know somewhere in there i do, but i really dont care right now. i know you're trying to help, because everything you're saying sounds super supportive and inspirational or whatever but i genuinely just do not care. not in like, an asshole way- in the way that i am currently emotionally incapable of caring about anything like that, despite the usual i dont care about myself thing i have going on. save your breath" leo said tiredly, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall. He coughed a little, all the talking aggravating his sore and scratchy throat.

Mikey visibly deflated, feeling defeated at leos confession. He wanted to feel mad at his brother, but he couldn't knowing what he was going through. This was concerning and seemed like a lack of cognitive empathy- but leo was generally a very empathetic person. This was sounding like an issue with his self worth.

Lost. Raph was lost. He was way out of his league with this. His self worth growing up wasnt the greatest, along with his mental health and relationship with splinter but man this was so much worse. So much more complicated and concerning- raph healed! raphs all good. Leos a freaking mess and hes so incredibly worried about his little brother but he has no idea what to do.

Even though this was extremely frustrating for donnie, he shoved it down because he understood. Well, to a certain extent. His sometimes non-existingly low empathy was atleast a little bit similar despite being something completely different.

Leo opened his eyes, feeling someones head on his shoulder.

"Dee?" leo questioned, peering down a little further to see his touch AND feeling averred brother with shiny eyes similar to the youngest.

"as much as i do not want to get the disgusting sickness you have contracted, i do not want to lose my dum dum twin either. in a mental, emotional and phsycial sense. i understand what you said, so we should talk more later. and you should sleep considering you're sick and have yet to slumber" donnie said quietly, lifting his head and opening his arms to his brother, who after a moment scooted over and flooped into the embrace.

"thanks tello, you know i have insomnia right" leo mumbled tiredly.

"you know you have that very strong, now very illegal, childrens cough medicine that always knocked you out for hours as a snotty child. and its still the liquid stuff, not me trying to sneak you sleeping pills. besides it will help with your cold" donnie explained, getting a side eye from raph at the illegal bit. He took leos now cold hand in his own and rubbed soothing, gentle circles with his thumb.

"fuck yea that stuffs the shit" leo cheered tiredly, pumping up a fist sluggishly. How could he forget the only good tasting thing that gave him hours of peaceful sleep when he was younger?

"language leo"

"suck my fat co-"

"LEONARDO"

"message received"

There was a beat of silence, donnie asked mikey if he could go get the cough medicine from the med bay because the poor box turtle looked like he'd break down in tears any moment.

"get the sleeping pills too" leo called out, coughing from the unexpected volume of his voice.

"you sure leo?" raph asked, eyes furrowing and frowning concernedly. Leo had said he didnt want to take them, or rather if he took them to sleep he'd down the whole bottle.

"yea, im tired as hell" leo said casually, waving his hand.

He was exhausted, clearly being kept up by insomnia and like satan or some shit. As long as leo didnt actively manage his own bottle of sleeping pills he'll... live.

"but you said-"

"i know what i said, but im tired. i dont care. you dont even need to bring the bottle in here or anything, you guys can manage my intake or something. but raph i am so tired words cant even describe and my insomnia is playing up so badly" leo said, closing his eyes just so he could rest them since he clearly couldnt fall asleep. They were really heavy, he'd stayed up multiple nights in a row before many many times but man this cold was knocking him around.

"its okay lee ill get them for you, be right back°" mikey smiled brightly and made a dash for the medbay.

"anything else needed?" donnie asked. Leo didnt feel like he had a temperature to donnie, which was s relief.

"nardo?" donnie asked again after not recieving an answer. When he looked down the sliders eyes were open, half lidded and dazy.

"leonardo" donnie said, stopping the movement of circles and tapping leos palm.

"hm?" leo hummed, and the boys felt a weird sense of deja vu from last night when leo was out of it.

"do you need anything" donnie went back to circles.

"nah. 'm 'kay" leo mumbled quietly, shutting his eyes and turning his head into donnie more.

"im back! i got pain meds too, i didnt know if your injuries might be bothering you as well" Mikey walked into the room, smiling with a small pouch in his hand eith the medication in it and a glass of water. He didnt know how much to get, so he brought the bottles in a little pouch with a tie up string around it or his wrist so he didnt leave it in leos room.

The slider didnt move when mikey came in, not even making a sound.

"leo?" raph asked, making donnie look down to see his twins eyes shut. His breathing was wheezy, heavy.

"are you awake?" donnie asked quietly incase he wasnt, temporarily swapping out the circles for taps once again.

"clearly" leo muttered out, opening his eyes. Donnie quickly went back to circles upon recieving a response.

"well you didnt answer me or mikey" raph said with a huff, only teasing.

"didn' hear you" he mumbled, watching mikey as he pulled out all the medication.

"alright let me just check the medication dosage logs nardo made..." donnie started, going to pull out his phone when leo spoke.

"one sleeping, two pain and ten mls medicine" leo muttered, leaning up slightly so he could take the medication.

"are you sure? is that the dosage with all the meds mixed together?" mikey asked, holding the medicine nervously.

"'m sure. medic 'member? three pills and childrens medicine wont hurt me even if it wasnt the right dosage, i promise" leo said, and the others trusted him.

They gave him the medicine one by one, making him finish the glass of water mikey brought in and then packed the meds away. Leo layed back down in donnies arms, coughing into his elbow.

"how did i even get sick 'gain?" leo mumbled, starting to feel a little loopy from the meds. These were the strong sleeping pills, and the childrens medicine was illegal in most states of America for a reason. The pain medication was for moderate pain, but his injuries werent causing him too much grief anyways.

"you were running around in the cold all night, as well as portalling. it also rained at some point, you were slightly damp so i assume you got caught in it" donnie explained, leo eternally grateful for the soft tone.

Leo hummed in response, feeling his ability to talk slip away as it usually did when he was falling asleep or doped up on meds.

"you good little brother?" raph asked gently, worrying excessively like usual.

Leo turned into donnie more, savouring the lack of sensory issues they were both experiencing. Raph chuckled lightly and gave leo a small smile. Leo watched his big brother, making eye contact the entire time before pulling his own, very small and very forced smile of his own which just made raphs own grin grow.

Leo felt drowsier, physically unable to keep his eyes open as they rolled to the back of his head and he fell asleep, his head falling into donnies lap fully as his body slumped and relaxed.

All three brothers let out a breath of relief at the sight of leo finally resting.

"so..." raph started awkwardly. The three didnt exactly need to be too quiet since leo would be knocked out by the medication for like... atleast ten hours being a mix of medicine, sleeping and pain pills. That and the clear exhaustion. But they didnt want to take any chances so they kept their voices as inside voices. He needed as much sleep as he could get.

"you know leos had really severe insomnia his whole life, and we've never really thought much of it? never looked into it? insomnia is mostly caused by stress and anxiety. depression, poor sleeping habits. none of us have even... none of us even thought-" mikey cut himself off. This was sending him into a spin and he hated it.

"i dont know what to do, i know im supposed to be the psychologist of the family but im at a loss with leo. its complicated and i dont know what to tell him- first and foremost ADHD can cause a lot of problems, we know that and his ASD crosses over with the ADHD which leads to regular leo impulsivity and hyperactivity. but then theres also his intense depressive episodes that lead to self harm or suicidal tendencies like he talked about, and we've obviously seen more than once which has severe depression and anxiety written all over it- i mean hello insomniac? leo has had so many anxiety and panic attacks before its insane and horrible that he just learnt to hide it" mikey takes a breath, trying to slow down what he was saying so the others could understand. Donnie recorded everything anyways.

"well mayb-"

"nono im not done yet. the control thing is such a clear sign of oppositional defiant disorder- like clear as day which has influenced an eating disorder and explains why hes always needed to do his own thing and why hes never listened to you or dad, raph. hes obviously suicidal. and then- then theres the intense mood swings - or personality changes almost - between casual and carefree to major depressive episode to- to his almost manic-episode-like moods where he has gone out and taken drugs or had sex, hasnt regretted it yet because he has no sense of self worth or preservation because no matter what mood he still doesnt care for being alive. and then to just not feeling at all! numb! zero feelings! his symptoms and behaviours just cross-over between borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. his moods are usually quite short lived, intense and possibly triggered but sometimes they can last - like the episode resembling a manic episode very recently - a lot longer. hes clearly experiencing maladaptive daydreaming and depersonalisation, think back to all those times leos just felt like- like a sort of husk of himself? the signs were so completely clear. or his whole confusing real life with fiction? with daydreams? we thought head trauma from a fight or something but its not. sustance abuse and underaged hypersexual issues- oh and dont forget the PTSD, that undoubtedly, along with alot of everything ive listed, causes problems sleeping- which! hes already insomniac!" mikey whisper-yelled, ending his rambling. Raph wasnt super knowledgeable on a few of the terms, but he got the main idea. Mikeys rambling was a little hard to translate.

"so thats autism spectrum disorder and attention deficient hyperactivity disorder, which we were already aware of. Post traumatic stress disorder and severe anxiety, which we were somewhat aware of, just not knowing of the severity. Then the correlating symptoms of Bipolar disorder and Borderline personality disorder. Intense depressive episodes, possibly being severe depression if not only a symptom to another illness. Depersonalisation. Maladaptive daydreaming. Oppositional defiant disorder, influencing his very apparent father issues, explaining his need for control and creating disordered eating. Father issues in themself would influence the hypersexual activity and also the majority of the other illnesses previously listed as they are often due to emotional abuse or neglect in childhood. Then the substance abuse" donnie recounted, typing intensely on his phone.

Now raph understood, hallelujah.

"but there... there's no way he has all those things right? i mean he's been through some stuff but we all have so..." raph asked nervously.

He was scared for his little brother, this was serious. Really serious like- he didnt even know what to think at this point. What were they supposed to do?

"adhd and asd hes had his whole life. but the other things are a mixture of genetic disorders and trauma created- especially through instability and parental issues. and not to mention phsyical, emotional and sexual abuse." mikey said knowingly.

"wait- rewind, emotional abuse can be linked to papa, but phsycial and sexual abuse?" donnie asked, confused at the knew piece of information.

"physical abuse from pops as well. more emotional, but it got phsyical sometimes dont you worry" raph said darkly, thinking of everytime he's heard yelling and banging come from his brother and father.

"right yes... but sexual abuse?" donnie continued, feeling a wave of anger and protectiveness wash over him.

Never was he ever going to let his fucking dad put his hands on his twin.

"well we already know he turned to sexual things to cope, which also turned into sexualising himself for attention and validation from older figures- you know regular daddy issue stuff. but leo seemed to enjoy it in his mental state by how he acted, but the comment before that those people liked him submissive and his facial expressions and vibe when he talks about the sex? how milo said he was doing a lot of it with adults just rubs me the wrong way even though its clearly bad since hes underaged. its like the foundation for sexual abuse" mikey says, trying his best to explain without getting overwhelmed.

"right... so we need to talk about his feelins around pops and the whole... thing" raph says, referring to the sexual activities.

On a normal day donnie would have rolled his eyes at raphs attempt to keep the three innocent babies forever, but this wasnt normal. The softshell wished raph would have succeeded keeping leo innocent and happy. He hugged his twin closer, resting his chin on the sliders head.

But these psychological developments as leo grew up was beyond their control. All they could do now was figure out the best way to help.

"i just... so many symptoms correlate with eachother- its hard to tell if he really suffers through all of them or theres just overlapping symptoms..." mikey mumbles, frowning at his lap.

"but! the best course of action would be to get everything out on the table and have him accept us trying to help and then implement things to help with all of it! because one way or another hes experiencing it whether the labels are correct or not" mikey quickly brightens back up, trying desperately to keep a positive mindset.

"mikey, dont feel like ya have to get all the answers, especially by you'self" ralh said, bringing the box turtle close.

"i know raphie, dont worry. we need to focus on leo and we're all gonna help him. together." the three smiled, sad but hopeful. It was a pitiful sight, but admirable; pulling at heartstrings.

All four watched over leo for a while, the slider mostly silent and unshifting. Soon enough falling asleep one by one.

Chapter Text

The others woke up around nine hours later, fully rested and ready for another day. None of them woke up to leo for any reason, and the slider was still asleep curled up and attached to his twin, so it was safe to assume he had had slept through the night with the mix of medication.

Mikey had gotten hungry and went to retrieve food for everyone, guiltily hoping leo would be awake by the time he returned. He was only going to make toast, something simple.

Donnie and raph were talking casually about something random, the softshell absent-mindedly rubbing soft circles into leos uninjured shoulder as he held him protectivly.

Leo stirred in his sleep, the first time since he had first passed out yesterday.

"nardo?" donnie asked quietly in case leo was just moving in his sleep and not actually awake.

Leo squirmed into donnie more, trying to keep warm and let out a whiney hum in response.

"guys i just made toast... it took a little bit because i already ate three pieces and had to make more but here" mikey cheered quietly, holding two plates.

The first plate had two pieces of toast covered in strawberry jam, and ten pieces covered in apple jam; raph and mikeys favourite. The snapper always ate two pieces at a time, mikey was just thankful raph didnt mind cold toast and would eat literally anything.

The second plate was for the twins, five pieces of buttered toast for donnie and two pieces of honey toast for leo in hopes he was awake. There were also a few apple and banana slices on the plate, mikey knowing leo or donnie might not want toast or just toast. Their plate was bigger than the other despite less food, mikey being mindful of each different food touching eachother for the twins. Leo didnt like his food touching unless he wanted it to, and donnie didnt like food that touched unless it was supposed to (like pizza).

Mikey sat back down on leos bed, putting the plates on either side of him to go to their respective parties. Raph immediately shoved two pieces of toast in his mouth, chewing quietly.

"is leo awake yet?" mikey asked, peering down at the slider noticing he had shifted slightly.

"i have yet to concur, but i think he is or will be soon since the sleeping pills should wear off" donnie said quietly, pulling leo closer with one arm as he reached for a piece of banana then toast.

Leo stirred again, rolling over partially in donnies arms and clinging to the softshells forearm lightly. His face scrunched, bringing a bandaged hand to his face to rub his eyes lazily.

"leo? are you awake?" mikey asked, leaning closer to his brothers.

Leo let out another whiney groan, blinking his eyes open and coughing into his hand, leaning his head against donnies arm.

"mornin' sleepin' beauty" raph cooed, only shoving one piece of toast in his mouth this time. Leo blinked slowly, eyes half lidded and tired.

"mor'n' " leo mumbled, yawning dazily.

"how are you feeling? symptoms?" donnie asked, bringing the previously fallen blanket back over leos shoulders after feeling him shiver.

"mm... super cold, tired, dizzy, little nauseous-" leo said, being abruptly cut off by a coughing fit.

When leo continued to cough, donnie quickly sat the slider up fully, bringing a hand to his plastron and rubbing circles to try and create warmth.

"breathe slower nardo, the faster you breathe the more it'll irritate your throat" donnie tried to guide leo through it.

"c-ca-nt *wheezing* 'urts... as-as' ma-" leo tried to speak but ultimately couldnt, wheezing and heaving while trying to breathe in to cough properly.

The others could barely understand him but donnie quickly realised leos airways must be swollen or inflamed and he was potentially having an asthma attack.

"nardo wheres your inhaler, is it in here?" donnie asked, slightly panicked. Leo quickly nodded, pointing a shaky hand towards his bedside table. Raph quickly Searched through the doors, pulling out an inhaler and handing it to his younger brother.

Donnie took it, holding it up to leos mouth and telling him to breathe in as the object released ventolin. After a few puffs, the sliders coughing subsided and his breathing slowed.

"leo! are you okay?" mikey asked frantically. Leo coughed a little bit more, clearing his throat and looking over at his little brother.

"y-yea just... sick" leo whispers, voice hoarse and dry.

"symptoms?" donnie repeated, being interrupted last time.

"im just... really cold, and tired and my throat hurts a lot" leo whispers, shuddering and trying to wrap the blanket tighter around him.

Raph holds up a cup of water for him to drink, the slider taking a few sips then pulling away. Donnie pulls up leos vitals on his wrist tech

"well you dont have a fever, I'd assume you just have the simple flu and need to rest" donnie says, exiting whatever he was doing and rubbing leos arms softly to try and create warmth, hoping he wasnt aggrivating his injuries.

"here leo, have something to eat and then i found some of these cold and flu tablets. the box says have one orange tablet after a meal, three times a day, and then a purple one before bed" mikey says, handing the box to donnie for him to look at.

"mhm... can i just have more sleep meds and go back to not being awake..." leo whispered, popping a piece of banana in his mouth.

Mikey, raph and donnie looked at eachother, having a silent conversation considering whether or not they should let him take more medication or not.

"i can hear the brotherly telepathy ive been left out of since i was ten" leo muttered dryly, annoyed because all he wanted to do was sleep.

"sleeping pills arent medication that should be used regularly- unless perscribed that way of course. would you like to try melatonin? or just going back to sleep naturally" donnie asked, mikey and raph nodding along with his words. Leo turned his head to look up to his brother, offering an "are you joking" look.

"id rather just take medication to be honest, then ill atleast stay asleep. you know melatonin is shit for insomnia. ive tried it, and trust me I've tried so much ive come to the conclusion its near impossible to overdose on" leo deadpans, letting his head rest back on donnie plastron.

"you tried to overdose?" mikey asked, eyes furrowing concernedly. Oh no, leo just acitvated doctor feelings.

"leo when was this?" raph asked, chasm growing as he leaned further to his brothers.

"oh no, pft. i didnt try to od on melatonin, thats stupid" leo mumbled, laughing at himself slightly.

"fucking hell leo" mikey mutters to himself. Breathe in and out Michelangelo. Do not hit your poor injured sick wounded mentally unstable IDIOT brother you love endlessly.

"michelangelo! language?!" raph almost yells, offended look on his face. Mikey waves him off, offering an apologetic smile.

"look. eat some food, and then you can have one more dose of sleeping pills but thats it" raph negotiates, smiling and hoping leo would agree. The slider doesnt answer, looking off into the distance as all his weight rests on his twin.

"leo?"

"leonardo"

"nardo"

"leo!"

"ugh what?" leo grumbles, turning his head into donnie plastron.

"you werent answerin again"

"you're being a pain in the ass" raph and donnie speak at the same time, raph glaring at his younger brother at the continued use of swear words.

"i ate like half a banana, leave me alone" leo mumbled, closing his eyes.

Leo didnt want to let himself sleep naturally, he knew he'd wake up from a nightmare and his insomnia would kick in. Then he'd never get to rest. But his eyes were so heavy and his brothers wanted him to eat, he hasnt eaten an actual meal and kept it in his stomach in like... god he couldnt even remember could he. And yea, he didnt really feel like breaking that streak. So when his body became too heavy to support himself, he slumped into donnie fully. And when the pressure in his head pushed his eyelids down, he let them droop closed and didnt open them.

He drowned out his brothers voices, ignoring them even when they shook him lightly while trying to talk to him. He fell asleep, dreading waking up.

"im pulling up his vitals on my tech and... he is infact asleep and not just being typical hamato teenage rebellion im not going to listen to authority figures leonardo, he said sarcastically" donnie informs, now lowering his tone and adjusting himself so leo could lay down more.

"yea but its not just regular teenage rebelion don. when you had your odd rebellion phase leo joined in and you guys pierced your masks, wore thick eye-liner and snuck out all the time" mikey said, rembering another reason why the twins were named the disaster twins.

"in my defence, not nardos, he thought it was funny to have you guys thinking we were scheming. all we did was get ice cream and have nardo annoy april" donnie revealed, remembering how leo would always insist donnie to shut up while he hid under aprils bed to scare her.

Donnie enjoyed watching april kick his twins ass at three in the morning.

"mhm yes anyways i am currently looking, and by visual observation and data logs nardo should be a lot better when he awakens next. granted he might still have a bit of a sore throat, but he should be significantly better and completely cognizant" donnie informs, raising his voice his voice unintentionally, not noticing until leo lets out a whiney groan and lazily lays his hands over his tympana before going limp, hand falling over his face.

"pft- don you better stay quiet or he'll wake up all mad"

"yes yes whatever raphala i will refrain from talking above above a soft voice volume"

- five hours later -

Leo felt like he was falling. Well, he was falling all the time technically, the prison dimension didnt have a lot of gravity. He had just been pummelled through concrete, was it a wall? A piece of straight up earth maybe?

Leo was in pain. Severe, blinding pain he had never experienced before in his life but he hated it. Well, technically he had experienced it before considering he was reliving the kraang beating him mercilessly until he died; you cannot die in the prison dimension, although leo often wondered if one day he'd die from old age as part human, the kraang was nothing of human.

That thought was funny to him, ironic even. Though he couldnt think of why.

"WIPE THAT GRIN OFF YOUR FACE" the kraang, shattering leos bones that were only going to heal. Time worked differently in the prison dimension, it was four minutes. It was atleast an hour, but he couldnt be sure. Time would slow and speed up and rewind, for all leo knew his body could have been turned back and he could be fourteen, making him the youngest of them all.

These were thoughts that popped into leos head when he was trying to block out the pain, the hateful screams. Hateful doesnt even begin to describe what the kraang feels towards the slider.

Its something they have in common. A hatred for a mere teenager.

"YOU PEST!!! ILL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB" and he does. He pulls on leos limbs, stretching and cracking more bones as leo screams loudly, never breaking skin but the pain is unbearable.

Leo wishes he was dead.

"S-STOP STOP ST- AHH STO- STOP" leo screams loudly, face wet with tears and blood.

Kraangs face morphs, suddenly he isnt in the prison dimension. Hes in a different place. Someone different, hurting different.

Leo cant move.

He cant. Move.

"ill enjoy this~"

Leo shoots up from donnies arms, panting and crying aggressively. He was hyperventilating, he couldnt breathe- breathe breathe breathe BREATHE-

"leo hey hey, shh shhhh its okay. raphies got ya, you're safe. you're okay buddy, you need to breathe for me." hes lifted by big arms and held protectively, tightly. An unknown comfort after a nightmare, something he isnt used to. Leo cant move.

His purple and orange brothers are infront of him, trying to talk to him. Trying desperately to get him to calm down but he cant see them. Eyes wide and he cant see them, he doesnt hear them, he cant hear raph anymore, nor can he feel the large protective hold.

No, leo sees that mans face. Where has he seen that face? He didnt remember that, that wasnt a memory nightmare like the kraang, that was a nightmare nightmare. Or was it? It felt so real... he couldnt remember it, he couldnt remember that happening? What if he didnt wake up, what would have happened next? What was even happening?

Everything goes away. He cant think. Nothing. He watches through someone elses eyes, vision fuzzy and ears full of cotton. His breathing slows naturally, he slumps into raphs plastron gently.

"leo?" mikey asks, he doesnt recieve an answer. He looks into his brothers eyes, distant and unseeing.

"leonardo" donnie says, scared. Hes scared. He snaps his fingers infront of his twins eyes, nothing. Leo cant answer. He cant move. He cant. Move.

"whats goin on?" raph says, shifting leo in his arms so he can see his baby brothers face. He hates what he sees.

"i dont think he can hear you, i think its another derealisation episode." mikey whispers, eyes wide with fear and hurt.

"just... just hold him, try to ground him. he'll come back" he speaks again, voice cracking at the end as he hugs leos bottom half softly, clinging as if he'll leave again. Disappear.

-

Leo does come back gradually, donnie is the first to notice his eyes refocus. His twin had been watching, waiting anxiously.

"nardo?" the voice sounded fuzzy in his head almost, like it wasnt his name being spoken. But it was there, and he knew whose it was.

"hi" he whispered, lifting shaking hands to rub his eyes, staying slumped in raphs arms. He could move.

The oldest brings the slider closer, lifting him up slightly to examine him closely. Raph runs his thumb across leos sticky face, his hand practically being the size of the youngers head.

"you okay?" raph asks softly, holding his face in hand. Leo just lets his eyes droop down, his head slumping into the snappers palm, sniffing pathetically.

They noticed how vulnerable leo looked again, like a smaller child. He made eye-contact with mikey, mouthing "small", bringing leo close once again.

When the slider clung to raphs arm and chirped sadly, an almost inaudible sound, thats when the first indication was. His face was hidden in raphs armpit.

The three were having their own silent conversation, deciding what to do with their brother. Raph gently pulled apart leos grip, pulling him away so they could see his face but still holding him comfortingly.

"hi lee, how are you feeling?" mikey said softly, doctor feelings starting his session. Leo sniffed and averted his gaze downwards, a blank look on his face that his eyes contradicted. His eyes showed a life-dulling sadness.

Mikey searched his brain for reasons why leo wasnt talking, besides the simple and plausible answer of he simply didnt want too.

He then remembered his father telling him stories of when they were young one night when he caught his youngest son hyperactively baking at 11pm, having too much energy to sleep. He mentioned how donnie and leo were the last ones out of the four to speak like regular children, despite mikey being the youngest. Donatello didnt start speaking till the age of five, but once he learnt how to speak he immediately pushed himself to speak as fluently as possible, speaking almost perfectly by the age of eight. Mikey thought it was very on brand for his older brother.

Leo started speaking at four, but he didnt start speaking full, mostly fluent sentences until nine; even at the age of ten he still stuttered if a sentence consisted of too many words. Thankfully by the age of ten donnie had decided to create TSL. No, leo didnt just not speak, the slider was hyperactive and would hear words spoken by his family and repeat them over and over again like a broken record, rather then full sentence communication. It was how he slowly broadened his vocabulary.

Maybe it was that, but mikey still didnt know if leo was actually regressing.

Maybe it was just the simple answer.

"you had a nightmare, can you tell us what it was about? talking about it might make you feel better, its healthy to talk about your feelings leo" the doctor feelings attempt at getting leo to open up.

Leo himself didnt know how he felt in this moment. He didnt remember much of earlier, he felt a little fuzzy. He also felt small, childish almost. Thats how he felt like acting, but not on purpose just- thats just how he was acting? But if they needed him to leo could force himself to be serious. It was weird. He didnt understand it either, but when he felt normal he often guessed it was just him being an attention seeker as per usual.

He didnt particularly like feeling vulnerable, and if he thought about it too much he became embarrassed. But he felt better feeling childish in his head. Acting childish, even if he didnt make himself feel that way.

Can he MAKE himself feel a certain way, anyways? Was that even how emotions worked? He could influence others, but when it came to his own feelings, leo was at a loss.

"invasion" was all he said, but thats not what had shaken him so much. The nightmares from the kraang were normal. As much as he was still honestly traumatised, he was used to seeing that place. That face. It was the guy- no. man. The scary man who appeared and leo couldnt move. That was different, that was new. That was scary.

The boys were sympathetic, knowing the kraang was an extremely sensitive subject for the slider especially.

"well nardo you seem a lot less sick, how are you feeling phsycially." donnie asked, already checking leos vitals to see they said he was apparently perfectly fine.

"m okay" leo replied simply, picking at his fingernails.

"this might sound funny, but how do you feel in your head? do you feel smaller, almost childish? its okay if you do, we just want to know" mikey asked carefully, being soft but trying not to baby leo too much that he might become defensive or force himself out of the headspace hes in.

Leos eyes were brought back to his brother, slightly surprised. He nodded hesitantly, relaxing slightly when mikeys smile shifted to nothing different of warm and supportive.

One way mikey pinpointed leo acting younger was that he was much more open to affection and comfort, something that he'd often see as being babied; it depended on the situation.

He loved being babied by april though, that was one thing the box turtle noticed. He was never defiant towards her, but in his defence april never ever made him do anything or ordered him around. She was very indulgent in his childishness, he clearly saw her as a safe space.

Her and donnie especially, their little trio was unbreakable. Sometimes they thought as if they were held together by leo, but mikey started to think leo had been holding together his entire family.

Maybe a caregiver? Mikey was totally spitballing here, maybe leo wasnt even age regressing.

"thats okay, thank you for telling us. we can talk about it more when you feel bigger again. do you know how old you feel?" the two eldest were silent, listening closely and letting doctor feelings handle the delicate situation. Donnie handed leo his unicorn plush, which he took immediately and hugged in his lap.

"no' really... can we do s'mthin' else?" leo asked with sad eyes. And mikey thought that was a great idea. Age regression would be a coping mechanism and a trauma response for the slider, so if leo was age regressing, which honestly they thought he was, he shouldnt be upset while hes in that headspace because its supposed to be safe, yes? Yes. It made sense in mikeys head. And mikey was grasping at dust particles at the moment.

Besides, if this could be a new coping mechanism for leo instead of the alternatives, his brothers were more than happy to deal with a younger leo.

"sure buddy, whaya wanna do- no skateboarding" raph said quickly, already feeling his mother hen need to confine leo in bubble wrap.

"jayjay?" leo asked, clearly referring to Jupiter Jim. Raph nodded and hoisted leo up, making him let out a small "hey!" in protest as he clung to his big brother, still trying to keep a hold of uni.

Soon enough they were all situated in the loungeroom, mikey had quickly gone to make sandwiches for lunch, returning in an impressive seven minutes with stacks of sandwiches that leo had absolutely no interest in eating. Forcing a child to eat? Not going to make them happy. Mikey would force bigger leo to eat later.

-

They had been watching Jupiter Jim for about an hour now, they had put on seven galaxies, remembering it was leos favourite. He was currently in the middle of an excited, sometimes barely able to understand, info-dump of the movies production when splinter walked in. He was going to try and sneak past them when raph saw him, giving the rat man a knowing look which donnie also noticed, turning to his father and giving him a colder glance before turning away.

"hello my sons" he offered casually, as if the last time he spoke to leo wasnt when he was having a breakdown.

"hi dad!" leo quickly said, going back to rambling about the current subtopic of Jupiter Jims hair and make-up. Splinter was taken aback by the warm and energetic greeting given the last time they spoke, but he welcomed it nonetheless. He was all too happy to see his son in better spirits. Or so he thought.

"i see you are all well, thats good, im glad" he continued, walking closer upon hearing his second youngest sons seemingly bright mood.

"nardo just recovered from being sick and is now in a child-like headspace ranting about Jupiter Jim. we're sunshines and rainbows papa, thanks for your parental input, he said sarcastically" donnie spat, going to sit on the floor with their twin, asking about what he was talking about to direct the attention towards himself instead of mikey so he didnt have to talk to their father.

He was mad at his father. Very mad. And he has very clearly barely broken the surface of how splinter has actually effected his twin in their still current childhood.

He was glad leo could possibly have a healthy coping mechanism sure, he disliked kids but he would do anything for his brother. But the fact that leo needed to regress to a child-like state of mind to escape his trauma pissed donnie off more than he knew how to express. And until he found another reason, he was directing that hatred towards their dad because the rat man was the foundation for it.

"what does purple mean?" splinter asked as mikey got up to sit next to raph on the couch.

"im pretty sure hes age regressed, which is a coping mechanism and a trauma response. at the moment in his head he feels younger, we're not sure how young but i dont think its under the age of eight right now, otherwise he wouldnt be talking so much" mikey explained quietly. They looked back over to the twins when hearing donnies voice.

"nardo, i cannot understand a word you are saying" donnie deadpans, still speaking softly while leo held his hand with two of his own, shaking it up and down. Donnie let out an exasperated sigh. Children. Not their forte.

"dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee-"

"yes, hamato leonardo. it is i, dee dee tello donatello othello von ryan etcetera etcetera" donnie interrupts, thinking if he didnt love his twin so much he'd actually set him on fire.

"shoot i think he might have gotten younger when he saw dad... trauma response? im genuinely spit-balling here. leos mental health is a freaking mystery to me, doctor feelings and doctor delicate touch" mikey says quietly yet aggressively, flopping into raph dramatically. The snapper just smiled sheepishly and patted his baby brothers head.

"a trauma response, to me?" splinter asked, confused and feeling guilt twist in his stomach, not knowing why.

"pops theres a lot of stuff you need to go through with leo. you need to listen to him and really think about what you've done. you've genuinely been horrible to him. more than horrible. you started being a better dad to everyone but leo, and you two have always fought the most. everything you've done or said to leo you'd never say to one of us, what, is he really your least favourite?" raph says with an underlying accusitory tone, suddenly feeling very protective of his little brother. He hadnt been there to protect him, but he is now. Nothing would hurt leo if raph could help it.

"no he isnt, i could never hate one of my sons- i... yes... perhaps when he is... feeling better?" splinter offers sadly, guilt settling in his stomach as he tries to go over his relationship with his son.

"we should wait for that talk. but dad you stopped hiding away from our problems, dont you dare contuine to hide from leos. i know you hear the yelling and crying and running around the lair. if you dont want to act like a dad to leo as well then dont bother acting like a dad to the rest of us." doctor delicate touch setting boundaries, as per usual.

Before they could say anymore, donnies phone started ringing. Leo leaned over to watch, seeing the caller ID being a photo of april and taking the phone.

"hi pril!" he answered happily.

"LEO YOU LITTLE SHIT-"

"raphie! pril call' me a mean word!" leo said while pouting unknowingly, making his biggest brother simply melt. Donnie immediately took the phone back, standing up and walking away a little where leo couldnt hear him.

"hi april" donnie greeted.

"donnie? what was baby blue yellin bout, i swear im gonna ring that kids neck when i see him" april said aggressively, not angry just very concerned.

"nardo was yelling that you had apparently called him a mean word. Michael believes my dear twin is currently age regressed. so yes, baby blue would be correct" donnie reveals, listening to the deafening silence on the other end of the line.

"... oh. welp, wasnt expectin that. can i come over and see yall?" april asked, immediately accepting the situation.

The girl knew what age regression was, and while she was concerned for her little brother she was very glad he had some sort of a coping mechanism. He sounded positive enough for the time being, and that was good enough for her.

"i dont see why that would be a problem, he sounds excited to hear your voice let alone see you." donnie said, looking over to mikey and raph.

"do you approve of april coming over?" he asked, listening to her over the phone already say she was coming over and immediately hanging up after saying she'd be there soon.

"well as long as leos okay with it, i just hope he doesnt go all... angry or something while shes here. we dont want to accidentally trigger him, thats all" mikey said with a nervous smile. Splinter had clearly been excused, being nowhere in sight.

"big guy im sure itll be fine, leo loves april. and honestly maybe she could help cause leos probably gonna get triggered by a lot of things whether we want him to or not" raph said comfortingly, offering a reassuring smile. Mikey smiled back, turning to the slider who was now speaking at the mention of april.

"pril?" he asked, fists shaking softly up and down in anticipation.

"yea buddy, aprils gonna come over. that cool with you?" raph asks, leaning down and scooping leo up in his arms, squeezing him close.

"pril!" the slider chirruped excitedly, clearly approving of the plan.

"APRIL O'NEIL IS IN THE HOUSE" they heard a yell from the entrance. Leo immediately squirmed in raphs arms, twisting and turning to try and see where his big sister was.

Suddenly she walked into their vision, making her way to the couch and being hug tackled by leo who just chirped happily.

"leo chirps?" she mouthed while holding the slider close.

"he used to when he was younger" raph mouthed back, earning a a silent "ohhh" from april in return.

"yes yes, hi my baby blue. watchin jupiter jim i see" april said warmly, watching leo fondly as he scrambled out of her arms and brought her infront of the TV to watch with him.

"you feelin better? donnie told me you were feelin sick earlier" april asked softly, watching as the slider nodded, not taking his eyes off the screen.

"m better" he declared, leaning against april as he watched the movie. She felt her heart squirm and melt. She loved her boys with all her heart.

-

The movie later finished, end credits rolling. Leo had been silent the entire time, the others just letting him enjoy the movie.

His family knew it wasnt totally the case, but they were really enjoying seeing a somewhat happy smile on leos face for once in a while. They hadnt seen one in ages, and maybe it still didnt meet his dulling eyes but a win is a win in their book.

"im going to the bathroom" leo said suddenly, getting up and walking towards the bathroom.

"okay yall whats the sich. cause leo didnt look too happy right then" april asks, raising a concerned brow.

"im following him. update April while im gone" mikey said, getting up and following where leo ran off to.

"leo?" mikey asked softly, knocking on the bathroom door. He wasnt sure if leo could hear him as he heard the tap running, but he was still going to try.

Suddenly the door opened, orange being met with blue.

"mike, hermano. i was takin' a leak. what do you want" leo said, half joking but it fell flat because of his blank tone.

"you big again?" mikey asked, smile slowly growing.

Big again? If mikey meant not acting like some insane immature little bitch then sure, leo was big again.

"uh. i guess?" the slider responded, more sounding like he was asking a question about a topic he had no interest in.

Mikey got his doctor feelings face on and leo already knew he'd be standing here a while, opting to lean on the doorway with a sigh.

"ok so now that you're big again-"

"so you say"

"yes. so i say, anyways now that you're big again do you know what age regression is?" mikey continues, brushing over the slightly annoying interruption.

"when someone refers to like, a kid state of mind" leo says off the top of his head, groaning internally when mikeys smile grows.

"yes exactly! and its caused by intense fear, stress, anxiety and trauma. and you seem to be smaller everytime dads around- not relevant for this moment. its also a symptom of ptsd. leo i think you're age regressing, which is totally fine by the way! its used as a coping mechanism and thats healthier than-"

"than drugs and alcohol blah blah blah" he said in a bored tone.

Leo left out sex. After that dream he... he wasnt so sure. Something switched in his brain. Something felt wrong. He couldnt think of what, couldnt remember why. They didnt rvrn have sex in his dream, did they? Something just felt off.

"yes- leo. stop interrupting me. anyways everyone knows, clearly, and its obviously fine if you keep doing it! it'll probably be a good coping mechanism and-" mikey was cut off again.

"yea yea coping! super cool mike-" leo rambled on randomly, telling mikey that he clearly wasnt paying any attention to him.

"will you shut up and listen to me you stubborn jerk!" mikey interrupted this time, accidentally getting frustrated and letting out doctor delicate touch. He half expected leo to get angry, or cry or for something to go WRONG wrong.

Leo just smirked lightly, holding his hands up innocently and walked past mikey back to the living room.

"sorry hermano, ill quit annoying ya and get back to the others" he said with a wink, running back to see everyone else as if everything was fine.

Everything was not fine.

Leo had just purposely annoyed his little brother as a way to ignore the situation and deflect it, successfully getting out of the conversation apparently.

Leo held a mini conversation with himself in his head. Influencing feelings again, leo? What was the justification this time? Well if mikey had continued either his brother or himself most likely would have gotten worked up, which would have led to an outburst of some sort WHICH ISNT GOOD FOR A N Y O N E. So acting like this was totally justified, besidies he wasnt going to sit there and waste his brothers time.

While leo was triumphant, mikey felt stupid. He should have seen the classic leo tactic coming, he successfully pulled it on raph countless times.

"you-" mikey cut himself off with a low, frustrated growl. No doctor delicate touch yet. Not the right time, he will get his chance to shine.

His big brother was a big pain in his fucking ass thats for sure. He loved him though. And even if leo doesnt want help, he will help him.

How do you help someone who doesnt want to be helped? Something in mikeys brain asked him that question. The box turtle remembered though, if leo truly didnt want help they'd know- they'd. know. The ways hes spoken sometimes, clung to them- hes not gone. He wants to be better he just doesnt know how to accept help. How to be better. Mikey was determined to help.

Leo couldnt get that mans face out of his head. It wasnt the kraang- its always the kraang why was it different now. Was it because leos sleep wasnt drug influenced? Because he hadnt been having sex besides that one time with milo? Because he wasnt intoxicated? Why the fuck is he all the sudden seeing a random guys face and why the h-hell cant he move-

"leo, buddy breathe. you're all good. its okay- leo!" a blur of colours infront of his face, forming into his brothers.

Raph was clearly the one infront of him, speaking and taking up the most space. Leo shook his head slightly, looking around faintly before looking up at his brothers, offering a small smile.

"hi guys, whats up?" leo asked casually, feeling slightly hazy. Move, leo.

His brothers wanted to scream in that moment, shake him but hold him tightly because he was just so frustrating but they loved him too much- they pushed down the anger simmering in their blood.

"whats wrong, are you okay?" raph immediately asked, looking at him all funny.

For some reason leo felt surprised by the question, like he shouldnt have been expecting it. Maybe he just wasnt paying attention but he didnt know what to answer. Sure he probably wasnt okay? I mean is the fuzzy, tired, absent feeling supposed to be normal? Leo would bet that it wasnt. But did he have an exact reason to feel not okay? Sure he could unpact years of trauma, "well it all started when my dad blamed me for something raph did, saying that he would never do such a thing and it was obviously my doing" but was that really relevant right now? He didnt think so.

"yea, why?" he asked casually, smiling a small, worrying smile. It just looked wrong.

"right okay... cool. awesome yall. you big again?" april could see her brothers getting all ansty, so she decided to speak before the others said something they would possibly regret.

"uh i guess. i dont feel like acting like a stupid kid anymore, soo" leo drew put his words casually, swaying on his feet and looking around the lair. He wasnt looking for anything in particular, he just felt like looking around. The whole jump up and down like a child and get attention this was oddly overwhelming. He kind of just wanted to go to sleep, but he knew he couldnt.

"okay chill. now you mind explainin to me why your stripey butt doesnt know how to answer my texts? hm?" april asks with a stink eye.

Why didnt leo answer aprils texts? He like, ignored her once to make tea. What did she message him more than that? Where even is his phone.

"i was making tea, then mis hermanos pissed me off, ran away, came back. i was sick i think, and i honestly dont even know where my phone is" leo explained, being cut off by a yawn.

"right, okay well-"

Leo tried to listen, he really did. But as soon as the words entered his head and he gave some possibly appropriate response the conversation left his head. He didnt even have the brain capacity to remember what they were talking about. Like donnie just said this word, latent, to describe something to do with leo. The slider really doesnt know what that word meant, he must have voiced it because donnie started explaining. An explanation that leo didnt hear because latent reminded him of the word lental, which reminded him of lental beans. Then he started thinking about that one time he watched a youtube video of a youtuber who only had one dollar to spend on food for dinner and had to make an entire meal. She had multiple things, like carrot, rice, fruit and other things but she also made lental beans with barbeque sauce. Lental and latent also reminded him of lutenient, making him think of the foot lutenients.

"are you even listening to me nardo?" donnies voice suddenly registered in his head. When did they go back to the living room and sit down?

"honestly? not really. kind of havent been this whole time" He said with a shrug. Donnie sighed angrily

"you're insufferable" the softshell muttered bitterly

"we're twins, we're the same brand of insufferable"

"that is not how that works"

"más o menos"

"what even-"

"okay you two thats enough" raph put his hands between the two, lightly pushing the purple twin from leos side and grabbing the blue twin and placing him next to himself.

The disaster twins. Raphs reason for early retirement.

"can i just go off and you guys leave me alone. like i love you and all, but im bored and feeling claustrophobic with three giant turtles glued to my side" Leo groaned lightly, watching his hands and he twisted them in his view.

"is that really the best idea leo" raph asked, raising a non-existent brow. Leo just rolled his eyes.

"ill literally just go to my room, ill even keep the door open. just for you" leo mocked sarcastically and raph growled lowly.

"thats fine leo, we can talk later. if you need anything, let us know okay? dont be embarrassed or anything. and please dont go anywhere, if you want to do something tell us" mikey quickly intervened, smiling supportively and waving his brother off.

"michael not that im doubting your capabilities but is that really the smartest idea, leaving nardo, of all turtles, alone right now?" donnie questioned, definetly questioning mikeys capabilities.

"not entirely, but hes only in his room and the doors open. he clearly doesnt want to talk, and hasnt been listening to us majority of this conversation. if we push him to talk right now when it isnt necessary it'll just push him away more. there are times where we need to push, times where we need to be hugging with full support AND OTHERS where we need to take a tiny step back. we need to take a tiny step back right now" doctor feelings explains, glaring at raph who was trying to sneak off to leos room.

"i agree with the doc here guys, i mean how many times yall want him to run away? ima go talk to 'im, say bye and all then head out. kay? play nice when im gone" april announces, blowing them all loud obnoxious kisses and walking down the hall to leos room.

"hey leo? i jus' came to say bye. can i come in?" april asks when she reaches the door, knocking loudly.

The slider notices the girl, taking his headphones off and looking at her, waiting for her to say something.

"i came to say bye, mind if i come in for a few?" she asks lightly, smile still present when he nods his head and sits up on his bed.

She holds her arms out for a hug, warm smile on her face but eyes holding a glint in them that said "no you're not getting out of this". Leo rolled his eyes and shimmered over into her arms, letting the older hold him protectively.

"you know you cant hide from them forever" april soothes, running her hand up and down leos plastron.

"i can try" leo mutters, and april laughs lightly. Its a refreshing sound, to not immediately be met with worry or frustration.

"i expect nothing less from you baby, but you cant keep running away either. they worry you'll do somethin to hurt yourself" april says again, tone still light and smile still present on her face, not that leo can see.

"yea rightfully so, i know" leo replies, already feeling this coming.

"but, we both know you're going to," well that took a turn leo didnt expect, but this was april. She was a girls girl at heart, saw peoples souls and spirits. She was the purest form of person you could ever possibly meet.

Maybe thats why leo loved her so much, because she was everything he wasnt.

"you need help, and you need to let them help you, seriously leonardo you do. but i know they can be suffocating, rightfully so given your current mental health, but theres gonna be times where that overwhelms you and you want to leave" she continues, cheek resting on the top of his head.

"where are you going with this" he asks.

He didnt feel like talking, but he let april in because its april. But now shes like, psychoanalysing him.

"all im saying is i understand, and whenever you feel like leavin, dont run off and get into trouble. come see me. i assure you its better than anything else. and your brothers told me about milo, so if you wanna go see him and get away from your brothers, I'd love to meet him. he sounds sweet. come hang out with your big sister" leos heart warms at the thoughtfulness of mentioning milo; april and the snake yokai would definetly get along.

Leo mumbles out a small "kay" and grabs one of aprils hands.

"i love you baby blue, i dont know why you did it, or do what you do or think what you think. i dont even know what happens to the full extent but i am here. i will always be here, my home, my ears, my heart and arms are always open to you. so dont do dumb shit if you cant talk to your brothers, come talk to me" she finishes with a kiss to the sliders head, loosening her grip as leo pulls away.

When their eyes meet leo smiles, small but genuine. Caring and loving. Thankful for the gesture and words. For once he doesnt feel like something that needs fixing.

She mirrors his smile, only shining brighter as always. Full of warmth and genuine compassion and love, few of the things that make april, april.

"im gon' head out now, go find your phone and stop ignorin my texts you shitbag" april smirks, walking out the door. Leo chuckles and gives her a mock salute, waving her off as she leaves the doorway out of sight.

His mood immediately drops again into nothing, not a depressive episode. Those werent nothing, those were caring, overthinking and horrid. This was uncaring, unkind unempathetic and delusional light covering a knowing dullness.

Leo puts his headphones back on. Why focus on the real world when you have your imagination?

Chapter Text

Leo didnt know how much time he had spent laying down, music blasting in his ears. It could be the next day for all he knew (he was pretty sure it was). Sometimes he'd check the time, like it was three in the afternoon, and then ten minutes later he'd check it again, just because, and the time said it was two in the afternoon.

It confused leo, because he knew it was three in the afternoon but it was actually two. It didnt really matter to him all that much though.

"leo? could i come in" leo looks over to see mikey at the door, pulling his headphones off and sitting up he tells him yes.

Mikey walks in, offering a warm smile and sitting next to leo on his bed. The slider didnt smile back, instead pulling out his phone and scrolling through it mindlessly.

"so you know what age regression is, yea? if not thats okay, i can explain it to you" mikey asked, trying to keep any judgemental tone out of his voice. Leo didnt look up, humming in response as he played on his phone.

"reverting to a younger mindset to deal with trauma blah blah. can be voluntary or involuntary. i get it" leo muttered boredly, looking like he was concentrated on his phone but really he was playing snake.io.

"yea and evidently you're an age regressor. which isnt a bad thing, it could be helpful. so just make sure you dont hide it from us. you can do it on purpose but sometimes you cant help it and thats fine, sometimes there are things that'll trigger you acting younger like raph babying you or something like that." leo hummed in response again ans then there was silence. Mikey had tried to explain it as simply as possible, knowing leo probably wasnt paying too much attention to begin with.

"what have you been doing this whole time?" mikey asked, trying to watch his words to not set leo off.

"listening to music and staring at the wall" leo muttered, not taking his eyes away from his phone.

He was so sick of his brothers prying. Like yay they cared for once! They were paying attention! But leo couldnt help but hate it, feel like it wasnt what he needed. He didnt know what he needed, but he knew he didnt need to feel watched and suffocated.

He couldnt deal with feeling trapped, it was weird. He hated having to answer to someone constantly- he hated being controlled. Thats what it was.

"really? i wouldnt be able to sit still for that long" mikey hummed lightly, laying backwards onto the bed, shell on soft sheets.

"what do you want, mikey" leo muttered out, frustrated at his little brother who was clearly trying to butter him up, get a feel for where he was at emotionally.

"i was wondering if you wanted to do something? i thought maybe you'd want to get out of the lair since you havent in a few days. we'll obviously come with you but yeah. you're not like, in solitary confinement or anything like that. we're just trying to work through this with you and be as supportive as we can be" mikey explained softly, voicing facts in an emotional sense, a way that kept him from sounding biased.

Leo thought for a moment. There really wasnt anywhere in particular he wanted to go. He didnt want to just go somewhere with his brothers, they'd probably be all talky and hovery and it'd defeat the purpose. He had just seen april a few hours (eleven hours/yesterday) ago, she was probably busy. He should go see his tío but... but he was really good at procrastinating.

He didnt have any other frie- MILO

Leo could go see milo- well, if he wanted to bring his brothers.

Eh, what the heck. The worst thing they do is kill him, then leo kills himself.

Somehow self-inflicted death is his answer to everything. Its a good answer in his eyes. Logical and does the job.

"can we go to milos? ill just have to see if he's home" leo asked.

Mikey wanted to say no, but he wanted to have a talk eith the snake yokai. That, and the way leo put his phone screen down and looked to him, actually looked at him for the first time since the box turtle walked in this room. It made him say yes, so he did.

"thats fine! although i would prefer if you didnt portal there. do you know the way?" leo got a little grumpy at the no portally request, but he accepted, revealing he knew the way and was just going to ask milo if he was home.

The sliders mood definetly brightened when they said he was allowed to go to milos, feeling all giddy and hyper all the sudden.

"so you're really close with him huh" mikey asked innocently, seeing if leo would reveal anything about the snake yokai.

"who lolo? yea hes probably my bestfriend. hes an amazing person, always puts up with my shit. keeps me safe as much as he can but doesnt control me because he understands that i wont listen to him, its my life and it isnt his place to set in those boundaries. he just- understands me. i think its something ive always needed, to be understood you know?" leo rambles on, happy to prove to his brother that milo wasnt a bad person. Because he knew atleast donnie already hated him, and raph definetly didnt LIKE him.

The way leo could just immediately talk about milo make mikey smile warmly. His brother was so loving.... why did everyone seem to treat him like he was some form of monster... it wasnt right.

But milo didnt seem to do that, so for the moment he was off mikeys hit list.

The box turtle left, announcing he was going to let their big brothers know that they were going on an outing.

"hey guys! we're gonna take leo to milos" mikey announced, smiling triumphantly that he got his older brother to do SOMETHING.

"great. now i ca-"

"donnie. do not bring any lethal weapons"

"but-"

"donatello"

"you never let me shine"

"are we sure goin to milo is the best thing for leo?" raph asked, worried and protective over his fragile baby brother.

"honestly? i wouldnt say best. i dont know the best thing for leo. But! milo is good for him as far as i can tell by the way hes spoken to and about leo, as well as how leo speaks about him. so this'll be like unlicensed therapy for him. besides i told him hes not portalling there, so we'll be able to see where he lives and how to get there incase leo runs off again!" mikey explained logically, watching as his brothers faces portrayed mixed feelings, knowing they'd ultimately agree.

"you ready to go or what" leo popped out from the hallway, dressed in baggy, dark grey ripped jeans, a light grey tight fitted long sleeve shirt with a black wings design on it and milos dracula hoodie.

when did he even get those clothes, and why do they fit so perfectly???

"yea we can go" raph spoke, smiling widely to try and hide his disapproval of the outing.

Leo looked all three of them up and down and squinted.

"uh..not like that you're not" leo said, crossing his arms and sighing. They said they were ready, like what the fuck is this.

"what do you mean" donnie asked flatly, not knowing whether to be mad or confused.

"you need to wear clothes, we're going into the hidden city, duh." leo said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. The three looked at him confused, so he sighed and continued.

"ugh i forgot the hidden city was my thing and you've only been down there a couple times briefly. its normal among yokai to wear clothes in the same way it is with humans. you guys have atleast one outfit dont you? im sure I've given you something. go put clothes on" leo explains, shooing them into their rooms.

Mikey came out in a skin-tight, white long sleeved shirt with a muted orange graphic T over the top. That and a pair of oversized grey sweats. They were something leo had bought at one point and gave to mikey because he didnt like them, knowing the box turtle had barely any clothing. They wouldnt have fit raph and donnie wouldnt have worn it.

Donnie came out in his purple hoodie and baggy black jeans, also gifted by leo. The slider loved those jeans, but they looked great with donnies slightly darker skin tone and leo was absolutely sick of his twin never wearing pants because what the fuck WHY DONT YOU OWN PANTS.

Raph came out in his white hoodie and basketball shorts, some of the only clothing that fit him. Most of their clothes were from the human stores, but leo shopped in the hidden city.

They all really needed to go clothes shopping now that they were aware they could.

Damn, when did leo become a fashionista? They only just realised that leo had atleast two clothing racks in his room. How did they not register that before.

"okay your styles are horrible but you have nothing else- we're only going to milos apartment so its fine. vàmonos" leo seemed so much more lively after mentioning milo, all three of his brothers noticed.

They liked it, maybe they should have him around.

"are you boys going somewhere?" splinter rounded the corner, walking over to them. Leo went to speak when raph interrupted.

"yea we're just headin out to see one of leos friends" raph explained, not noticing how he cut his brother off.

The rat man looked to leonardo who smiled in confirmation, really not wanting a fight right now.

"alright. make sure you are back before 8pm, it is supposed to be absolutely freezing tonight and i do not want you out in the dark and bringing sickness home! it would be alright if you were constantly active, but you are not!" he ordered them, eyes not leaving leonardo.

Leo knew he meant "blue i dont want you getting your brothers sick".

"okay pops!" leo said brightly, smiling innocently. He had just confirmed what their dad was saying, and now if they were out after curfew it would be on leo.

-

They made it to milos house with minimal distractions, but that was hard when someone seemed to know leo every five minutes. They watched as their brother put on a different personality for each person- face man alright.

Is this what he did when talking to them?"

"we're here. dont be annoying and hovery and rude" leo said simply, looking back at his brothers to glare, quickly turning back and walking into the building.

"león! my favourite son, Cómo estás?" An older, larger looking lizard yokai, probably mid forties, greeted warmly, bringing leo in for a hug.

"tío mateo! im good, im just here to visit milo, im here with mis hermanos" Leo hugged back just as happily, stomping his feet lightly on the ground.

"ah yes yes muy bueno hijo, i have work to do but let me know if he gets annoying, i will come patearle el culo a ese chico, sí?"

"sí tío!" leo said with a bright smile, one of an innocent child who clearly had the man wrapped around his little finger.

"nardo who was that?" donnie asked suspiciously, worried it was a drug dealer or something. Leo turned around with a smile, immediately explaining.

"oh mateo? hes milos uncle! thats his mums side, its where he gets his Cuban genes from. and then his dad is native american. mateo owns this aparentment building and lets milo stay in one of the apartment's because hes his legal guardian" leo explainined, quickly turning around and walking towards the stairs.

"he seemed to like you, you called him tio?" mikey asked curiously, wondering how close the two were. Leo took it as a chance to info-dump while walking up the stairs.

"oh yea he loves me! thinks im an angel. i think initially it was because we're both reptiles- did you know that kappa are very rare in the hidden city apparently? even in japan! they're like... rare and mystical or whatever. which is true i guess. and i speak spanish. not a lot of america population speak spanish, did you know that? milo knows spanish, but apparently speaks it mostly when im around to influence him. and considering we also have African-American heritage on draxums side and Japanese heritage on splinters side, we're mixed! you know im mexican too? red eared sliders in mexico, crazy right. donnie you'd be mexican as well, raph you're just a regular white state turtle and mikey you could be like a malayan box turtle. i wonder what we'd look like as humans- anyways i guess he just loved the idea of milo not having white-washed friends that didnt respect culture or know the basic knowledge that every single person is a part of some culture. hes really fun, like a cool uncle but also a dad" leo explains happily, competely ignorant of his brothers trailing behind him.

They were surprised, this the most leo had happily willingly talked in well... they didnt know how long! Thats how long!

Leo himself was extremely passionate about culture and the things he loved. They were things he could talk about for hours upon hours. Sometimes the only thing he has are those little passions.

They were amazed at how much he knew, especially about their heritage and where they came from. Donnie would have to get them all ancestory tests.

Suddenly the slider stopped at one of the doors, jingling the handle before banging his fist loudly. The door was quickly opened, the boys seeing milo for a split second before leo practically jumped on him.

"you know you dont need to bang on my door like you're the police right" milo asked, holding leo in his arms as the slider clung to him.

"yea well i did tell you to leave the door unlocked cause i was comin over. and i bring with me my psych ward guards" leo said in a joking tone that made his brothers scowl and milo look up.

Dang leos brothers were as scary as he remembered...

"hey guys, come on in" milo said with a friendly smile, dragging leo out of the doorway so the three could come in.

"sorry its not a huge place or anythin special" milo said, trying to make awkward small talk.

His aparentment wasnt anything large, but it was big enough to house maybe two or three people. The walls were a simple white, the kitchen was tiled with dark grey tiles and the kitchen bench had a beautiful black and white marvel. The bathroom was tiled with the same pattern, the bedrooms were light grey carpet and anywhere else in the apartment were a dark umber floorboard.

As far as they could tell there were two bedrooms, one bathroom, a toilet room, a living room, a kitchen and a small laundry.

Raph and donnie stood threateningly while mikey bounded over to milo with a smile.

"thats okay milo! its really nice in here, we live in a sewer. im michelangelo, we havent officially met as of yet. dont mind those two, they're the big brothers, they'll warm up eventually" mikey said, sending the two a glare telling them to be nice.

"its good to offically meet you guys, and i understand perfectly" milo assured, looking down to where leo was still clung to him.

"stop being formal you weirdos" leo muttered, face smooshed into milos arm.

"lelo you can let go now" he says with a chuckle. Leo shoves him away playfully, going to the kitchen and searching through the cupboards. The living room was directly next to the kitchen so the boys could see him the entire time.

"what are you doing" milo mutters, not rudely. He was already accustomed to leo being a little hyperactive weirdo, it made him more loveable.

"do you have stuff to make arroz con pollo for me? pleaseee lolo its so yummy when you make it- or chicken empanadas?!" leo asked desperately, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"im sure i have stuff for chicken empanadas, but if you want arroz con pollo you'll have to ask tío 'teo to go get the ingredients" milo says as he watches leo bounce. His happy grin turns into a smirk, ready to get that arroz con pollo.

"whats this i hear? estas hablando mierda?" the door all the sudden opened, showing mateo.

Now that the two family members were in the same room, raph, donnie and mikey realised how similar they looked. Mateo was just older and more fit, while milo was more lean and a little shorter. Milo had green eyes while mateos held a deep brown colour.

"what do you want tío" milo asked frusteratedly, wanting his uncle to leave. He was probably just being nosey.

"well since león is here i was wondering si me hizo un trabajo. i just want you to reach the small spaces in the roof to help me connect wires for cámaras de vigilancia. i am too alto and milo here is a bebé debilucho" mateo says, pulling his arm around leo and grinning at his nephew.

"oh cierra la puta boca, lo siento i dont want to climb into a roof" milo retorted, rolling his eyes.

"mateo i will do it for you, but afterwards if you're not too busy could you please go get ingredients for arroz con pollo? i havent had it in so long and milo doesnt have the ingredients" leo asked, pouting and giving the older yokai his best puppy eyes.

"sí sí, now come!" the man didnt even think twice, turning promptly and making his way out the door.

"ok im going to work for food. play nice all four of you. tello if you hurt my best friend ill be very hurt and revoke your twin rights. raph you'll be hurting me, and mikey ill disown you. miloifyouhurtmybrothersandillkillyoukaythanksadiós!" the slider quickly ran after his adopted uncle, glaring at them quickly as he left.

"we need to talk" raph said lowly, it wasnt a request. Instantly the air was denser; that was the first time raph had spoken. Mikey stopped smiling, donnie, somehow, looked more murderous and raph... raph was giving off the most terrifying aura-

Milo could handle himself perfectly fine in a fight, he had gotten in heaps of punch ons and beat the crap out of people.

Overprotective BIG ASS MYSTIC NINJA ASS BROTHERS? Milo was gonna tap the fuck out.

"yea i was expecting that, come sit down" and so they made their way to his dining room, sitting down at the table.

"im setting ground rules. leo is not allowed to take drugs of any kind. pain medication and such is okay, but he is not allowed to manage it himself. he is not allowed to smoke, he has asthma and permanent throat damage from his windpipe being crushed a few monthd ago. he should have never been to begin with. im pretty certain he has sexual trauma, which i assume you know about more than us. you need to tell us what happened. we do not want him around random yokai you dont know. no clubs, parties, bars of any kind. no alcohol. and if you let him engage in any of these activities you will answer to me and my brothers." doctor delicate touch threatens, his voice low and calm, threat very... very clear. Milo sighs quietly.

"i completely agree, and i had no idea about him having asthma. is there anything else before i start explaining?" milo asked politely.

He knew leo hated being controlled, and if he found out about this coversation he would definetly through a fit... more than a fit, it would most likely start an episode. A rage episode most likely. A bad one.

Mikey turned to his brothers, having said his piece and knowing the others had things they wanted to say. Donnie made eye-contact with milo.

"I'd like to begin with say i have access to many lethal weapons that i can summon in approximately zero point forty seven seconds. my twin has a very... fragile, should i say, mental health at the moment. we are trying to take things slowly to trigger him as little as possible. we suspect disorders and illnesses including bipolar, borderline personality, depression, anxiety, oppositional defiant, issues surrounding his food intake, post traumatic stress and possibly more. we have also just made the discovery nardo is an age regresser. i already assume you know he is autistic and has ADHD. he is close with you, so the logical answer is for us is to be on the same page, you can meet our human sister at some point" donnie explains flatly, no giving away any emotions on his face. Milo nods along, taking in the information. He didnt know specifically, but somewhere in his head he suspected it; he wasnt surprised.

"raphala? any wise words for our friend here" donnie said sarcastically, leaning back in his chair. Raph leaned forward, his arms folded on the table and his shoulders hunched. Somehow he looked even bigger.

"i will make this very clear. hurt my baby brother and i will break you. in every way possible" raph growled, making milo want to sink back and cower. But if he did that, raph would think he was wimpy and scared, wanting to hide away from the family. And he didnt. He wasnt scared of leo, or any of his family.

"i cant control his emotions, but i swear on my life i would never purposely do something that could hurt your brother" the snake yokai says calmly, back straight and looking raphael directly in the eye.

They stare intensely for a minute, faces bare of any emotion. Then raph cracks a small grin, holding his hand out for a handshake which milo gladly claps their hands together, smiling back. Milo was about two inches taller than donnie, who was an inch taller than leo. The snake yokai was still shorter compared to raphael.

"okay, you guys wanted to talk about lelos sexual trauma? im going to be completely honest here and say i was not gonna tell you guys unless he told me to. nothing against you man, but fair warning his brain has blocked it out. he doesnt remember it. i was worried if i told you guys, you'd go to him and it'd forcefully trigger it." the three were surprised at the reveal, feeling as the conversation got a lot more intense from the small weight that had previously been lifted.

"that makes sense, he hasnt mentioned it at all so for a bit i thought there was nothing. but then he started talking about other things and i just knew. we just want to be prepared for when he does remember, so if you could please tell us that would be great milo" mikey says seriously with a polite smile. Milo sighs and nods.

"there were a couple times where he was drunk and at clubs and people just touched him inappropriately. but there was one time he came to my place, absolutely black out drunk to the point where i have genuinely no clue how he got here. he was sobbing hysterically, barely even aware of his actions. i sat him down and asked him what happened and he just burst. he said that one minute he was dancing and drinking, the next there was this older guy, big and obviously a lot stronger than a shitfaced leo. the guy started touchin him and shit, but he said he couldnt move, could barely think. it was either he was really drunk or had some kinda drug in his system. the guy... he raped him. leo woke up the next afternoon in my bed with nothing but a killer headache and a messed up stomach. he doesnt remember" milo finished, not making eye-contact with the turtles.

All three of them were tense. Raph felt like he was going to throw up, but the absolute indescribable rage that flowed through his every vein was overriding the nausea. Mikey was devastaed. He suspected something like this, yes, but the fact that it actually happened made it so much worse. And leos brain blocked it out because it was that bad! All he wanted to do was make sure those memories never surfaced. Donnie was stuck between killing someone and sobbing. Someone did that to his twin?! Someone, did that to... his twin? He couldn't... that fucking bastard-

"GUYS IM BACK TÍO WENT TO SHOP" they hear suddenly, turning around and seeing leo run throw the door, slightly dusty a put of breath.

The four immediately brightened themselves up, not wanting leo to suspect anything. He was currently in a good mood, and they were not going to ruin that for anything.

"okay cool, so whatda y'all wanna do?"

-

The five sat around for a while, just talking casually. They decided to just play some movies since they all silently agreed they didnt exactly want to take leo out right now. Mateo had come back with the ingredients and left to go back to work, so the boys were going to stay and milo would make arroz con pollo for dinner.

Most of the conversation was with leo and milo. Mikey happily joined in when he felt anything he had to say was relevant.

Raph joined in occasionally when he felt necessary, still wanting to try and keep his scary big brother act even though both him and milo knew he was a sweetheart. They also both knew the snappers very violent threat wasnt a mere threat, it was a promise, so the scary act wasnt really needed anymore.

Donnie would gladly kill milo right now without hesitation if he got the chance, and everyone in the room was aware of it. But the softshell played nice enough.

"by the way heres your hoodie back" leo said, removing the dracula themed clothing and handing it to his friend.

Milo took one look at what leo was wearing and immediately handed it back.

"dude no, you'll freeze going home like that. just keep the hoodie at this point, i dont even wear it that much anyways" milo said, tugging it over leos head stubbornly.

"are you sure?" the slider asked warily, putting the jumper on himself because the snake yokai was literally going to accidently suffocate him.

"yes. it looked good on you anyways" milo responded, failing to miss leos red facial markings heat up and glow lightly.

"okay im gonna start dinner. you know if i taught you how to make it you could have it whenever right? you're an awesome cook dude" milo said, peeling the slider off of him and standing up, walking into the kitchen.

The snake yokai was completely used to leo, maybe even more so than his brothers. Maybe he didnt know the entire situation with the kraang or things like that, but he knew leo. He knew of most of his little quirks, different ways to calm him down in different situations. Ways to get him to sleep, similar to raphaels tactic. He knew how to keep him safe when the slider wouldnt listen to reason. And he still loved him all the same.

"yea but wheres the fun in that! now that im older, the only time I really ever cook is BM's restaurant or when mikeys sick. before he could cook I'd cook cause no offence hermano but raphs cooking sucks ASS and donnie would rather drink acid" leo babbles, hanging upside down.

Raph quickly walked over, mother hen mode offically activated, and scooped leo up, sitting down on the couch with the slider in his lap and letting out protective clicks.

They figured out that leo was just a lot more content with milo around. He was also having a very hyperactive moment, clear by all the talking and fidgeting. He seemed childish again, but again, they often associated leo with childishness. Falsely, but still.

The boys honestly forgot leo could cook. How did they forget that? Leos the one who TAUGHT. MIKEY. to cook?

"ok lazy ass" milo threw back playfully, laughing when leo stuck his tongue out.

"whats arroz con pollo?" donnie asks suspiciously, not liking the sound of the new food. Leos eyes brightened and he sat up infront of his twin, fully facing him while his arms loosely wrapped around one of raphs.

"a chicken dish! with rice and vege'ables. it has saffron in it and a other spices he puts in it. its really yummy!" leo explains happily, flapping his hands up and down.

He really loved milos cooking.

"its sounds alright... do you think i will like it?" donnie asks, fake curiousity seeping into his voice.

From leos description he'd assume he'd like it, especially if his twin spoke so highly of it. Donnie just wanted to keep leo talking, keep him happy. It was a nice change from the past few days.

Leo didnt respond in any language they could properly translate, he just chirped excitedly, nodding his head. The three others looked over at the rare noise, the first idea popping into their head that leo was once again regressing.

When he was younger and his mind would race too fast for his mouth, he'd stutter, missing words altogether and confusing everyone listening. Often, what he wanted to express would come out in chirps instead. Sometimes he would then become non-verbal for a little while, the time-frame was always random, as if trying to force verbal communication stressed leo out to the point of triggering his selective mutism.

"i thought regressing was an upset stress thing?" raph quietly asked mikey while leo was distracted by donnie.

"it has been, but it can also be voluntary or triggered by someone acting like a caregiver. probably because of how much you, donnie and milo have babied him today. i was just telling him about it earlier this afternoon. you know its weird, i thought he'd regress for longer but its only been a couple hours at a time" mikey explained, crawling into raphs lap and hugging the slider tightly, giggling as he hugged back just a tight.

"okay dinner'll be ready soon" milo announced, making his way back into the loungeroom and smiling at the brothers.

Milo himself didnt have a lot of family. It was always just him and his uncle. He knew how leo felt about his family, and the snake yokai definetly wasnt fond of their father and thought his brothers coupd be better. But the sight of them all happy together? It was a heartfelt moment he could appriciate witnessing.

Leo looked over upon hearing milos voice, letting his tight grasp on mikey go and reaching his arms towards milo. Raphs arms were still wrapped around the slider protectively, watching milo closely.

The snake yokai smiled softly, coming forward and letting leo wrap around him like a koala and then taking a seat on the lounge.

"hi lelo, whatcha doin hm? ¿Estás bien?" milo asked warmly, drumming his hands softly on leos shell.

Leo nodded his head in milos shoulder, making the taller smile wider. Milo looked over to the turtle brothers, mikey mouthed "age regression" and gave him a thumbs up.

"you feelin small?" he continued, mumbling into his green head.

The slider shook this head this time, uncurling from around milos body. He stretched over the chair, his legs falling over one side and his arms and head over the other, shell laying across milos lap im a horizontal position. He looked at his brothers, giving an upside down smile.

"you're not little?" mikey asked for confirmation, to which leo just nodded to say that he wasnt.

These must have been quirks he had hidden from his family- leo had been masking around his family? Did they really make him feel that out of place? Mikeys head was doing spins, and he could see his two older brothers were thinking the same thing.

Leo sat up, turning to milo and signing, which to the other threes surprise, milo actually understood.

"yea you're right, its pro'lly ready" milo said, watching as leo jumped out of his lap and dragged the snake yokai up, pushing him playfully towards the kitchen and then taking a seat.

"are you non-verbal nardo?" donnie asked, scanning his brother carefully.

Leo seemed relaxed, maybe not happy but he wasnt in a bad mood so that was a good thing.

He shrugged in response, pulling out his phone to distract himself, not offering anymore.

He could speak if he wanted to, but he had spoken a lot in these past couple hours. All the sudden he just felt tapped out, not sad but just a funny flat feeling. He didnt want to talk a lot anymore, it all the sudden felt... wrong. Maybe it was his anxiety having a

"there a reason why you're choosing not to talk?" raph asked, concerned that leo was upset or maybe hiding something. Maybe his injuries were hurting? He did have deep slices in his shoulder and wrists. Even though their bodies heal faster because of their ninpo and the fact they're mutants, they're clearly not invincible.

Leo didnt respond, keeping his eyes on his phone. Before the others could say anything else, milo called out.

"i served up dinner!" the snake yokai yelled. Leo, who was previously buzzing with excitement about the dish, immediatly got up and walked into the kitchen.

Leo noticed everyone already had cutlery on the table, noticing they were all bigger spoons, with the acception of leo being given a fork. While milo, raph and mikey were weirdly okay with big spoons, leo and donnie had an aversion to them. They preffered smaller spoons, or leo when he could he would prefer to eat with a fork. So he took donnies spoon, going around the kitchen bench and quickly grabbing a smaller spoon, waving it at a confused milo and then placing it down.

By the time he had placed it down his brothers had already sat down, so donnie watched as the spoon was placed, having an odd sense of warmth in himself at the fact leo remembered. Milo quickly caught on, the two turtles were the disaster twins after all it made sense they would share some quirks.

Donnie, milo and mikey all had medium sized bowls, raph had a largers bowl and leo had a smaller bowl. The three wanted to comment, to ask why leos was smaller. It was clear why raph got the bigger bowl, he was triple the size of his brothers. They chose to keep quiet, because leo was still eating a meal either way.

They ate the meal altogether, the three enjoying the new food. Mikey asked a lot of questions about milos cooking, asking for tips and asking if he knew of any good recipes he should try. Raph being the absolute sweet heart he is, made sure to tell milo how good the food was and eat everything in his bowl. Donnie had enjoyed the food as well, saying thank you and chiming into the conversation when he deemed necessary.

Leo didnt speak once, eating slowly and watching everyone as they ate and conversed. They did try to get him to talk, but the slider would just shrug and put food in his mouth to avoid it.

"oh shoot guys its dark out- its 9pm dads gonna get mad" mikey said, only just noticing the time on his phone.

If leo wasnt feeling anxious before, he was definetly feeling anxious now. He shoved the feeling down, plastering on a smile. Come on, face man!

"vàmonos hermanos! we better dip, talk later tortas de bebeeee" leo said, getting up from the table and giving milo a mock salute to which the snake yokai rolled his eyes at.

"idiota" milo responded, turning to the other three brothers.

"it was good to actual meet you guys, im sure we'll hang again soon" milo offered casually, smiling at the three.

"hey lolo do you mind if i take some home for my pops? im sure he'd love it!" leo asked brightly, beaming at the thought of his dad enjoying the cooking as much as him.

Milo said yes, of course, and gave him the rest in a small ceramic bowl with cling wrap over it.

They all said their goodbyes, leaving out milos door.

"hey lelo! text me when you're home alright man?" milo yelled out to the slider down the hall. Leo responded with loud smooching noises, turning and running after his brothers.

-

"where have you been! i told you to be back over an hour ago!" splinters voice was immediately heard. He sounded angry.

The rat man ran over, more like a hobbley speed walk. His eyes scanned his sons before landing on leonardo.

Anger. Leos grip tighted on the bowl he was holding.

"i told you to be back so you werent out in the dark! do you have any idea how cold it is outside, what if one of you got sick? or got too cold and went into brumation!" splinter scolded. He was still looking at his blue son.

The leader, its his responsibility.

"we're okay pops its-" leo tries to begin, he was in too much of a relaxed sort of content mood after being surrounded by his brothers and milo to immediatly be angrered. Their personalities and moods felt like they almost regulated his own.

"no blue! you wanted to go see your friend and risked your brothers health. stop being so irresponsible and childish you are the leader! it is your responsibility!" the rat man interrupted.

Now leo was angry. Rationally he told himself to just tell splinter what he wanted to hear, manipulate his feelings and be pissed off later. This was just a shitty parent thing, it was normal!

But this made him so fucking angry- he needed an out for his emotions. He could feel like a fucking anxiety attack coming or something, and he'd rather argue with his father- he cant- he hates anxiety attacks. He just has to sit there and deal with it.

"dad dont you think-" raph starts gently but was interrupted.

"IM irresponsible? yea right. when we left i made sure they were wearing clothes, i got us there safely, i literally worked for dinner and then i got them home safely. and you're going to sit here and say that what, because none of us were paying attention to our phones its MY fault? and you know what, scratch that, what about MY health that would be at risk along with theirs huh?" leo seethed. He watched his fathers reaction.

"you are childish and selfish, you only think of yourself. you are grounded" splinter said coldly, tone quieter than before.

Leo couldnt take it anymore. That was it. It wasnt even his fucking fault!

"you know what DAD? FUCK YOU" he threw the bowl to the ground casually, unflinching as it smashed into pieces. The three stared at it- they had just had a good time... and now leo was angry again-

"leo hey its oka-" mikey went to put a hand on leos shoulder, but the slider shrugged it off, growling and storming to his room.

"what the hell papa?" donnie turned to his father, throwing his arms up.

"donnie dont speak to dad like that" raph quickly said, jumping in. He wasnt particularly trying to defend his father, just trying to keep the peace. Mikey immediately run off to leos room to try and work him down. Donnie shook him off, ignoring his comment and turning to the rat man.

"I understand it alright i really do. we missed curfew- but he ONLY targeted nardo for it! it wasnt even his fault! you'd think he'd blame you or me as the elder brothers and more able to keep track of time. but he blames nardo!?" donnie was- upset. He was tired from staying up with leo while he was sick, worried he'd wake up. And then from trying to find ways to help him. He- they had JUST got him to look happy! And as soon as they're home its ruined by their dad.

"donatello if you continue to speak to me like that you will be grounded as well. blue is the leader, it is his responsibity. he must learn to take responsibility" donnie couldnt find the words to counter his father, astonished.

How did they miss this? Had splinter done worse? How did they sit here and ignore these arguments, how far had splinters words actually gone? How was their father so blind to the damage he was doing?

The worst part is, they have no idea the extent its taken leo to.

The softshell muttered an apology, walking off to leos room where the slider was currently throwing things around his room.

Raph stayed out in the main area with splinter, just staring. He then silently bent down to pick up the large pieces of shattered bowl and clumps of food.

"leave it, blue needs to clean it up. it is his mess. you cannot pick up after him for his entire life" splinter says calmly, smiling what was supposed to be empathetically at his son.

He smiled as if he knew of raphaels pain right now. Raphael wasnt in pain because of himself. His baby brother was in pain and it was causing HIM pain. Hes just fifteen... thats practically a baby in raphs eyes.

"he brought this home for you, he was so excited for you to try it because its one of his favourites that his friend makes." raph said quietly, finishing up cleaning the small mess, leaving splinter behind and going to find his brothers.

Splinter stood there, confused and contemplating. Was he too harsh? They had never intervened before.

When donnie walked into leos room, it was practically trashed. The two clothing racks were knocked over, having fabric thrown all over his floor. His action figures were thrown around the floor as well, some were in pieces that they'd have to glue back together later. His bed was bare with only the sheets, pillows chucked against the walls and even one of his blankets was ripped. There were a few, what looked like to be, destroyed sketchbooks littering the floor, ripped up and trashed.

Donnies eyes went wide at the mess, and he looked towards his little brother who was standing helplessly, having clearly not been able to calm leo down.

He quickly assessed his twin, who had bloody, already bruising knuckles after punching a few dents into the metal beams that were apart of his walls.

The softshell walked over to leo, who turned and glared aggressively. That didnt stop donnie, no, he wouldnt pay any mind to the coldness. He immediatly wrapped his twin into a tight hug.

Leo didnt hug back, frozen yet shaking; the hug was unexpected. He was holding his breath, genuinely forgetting to breathe because he hadnt been able to.

"breathe nardo. please" donnie instructed softly, listening as leo finally gasped for breath, sinking to the floor in his twins arms.

Anger panic attacks.

Raph walked in to see his three little brothers on the floor, leo shaking and struggling to breathe while he was held by donnie and soothed by mikey. Atleast, mikey attempted to soothe him.

"raph if he doesnt calm down soon he's going to pass out, which is very bad. i will stop it from coming to to that, i need you to switch places with me so i can try and help" donnie said quietly upon noticing his large brother in the room.

Raph let out low grumbles, noises he'd let out when he was younger and one of his brothers were upset. They were soothing and familiar for all of them, but felt rare to leo.

As if leo could think right now. He tried, he really tried to focus on mikeys voice and donnies hugs but he couldnt.

He was so... scared? He could never describe an anxiety attack- panic attack? He could never tell the difference between those either.

He barely noticed when donnies thin arms were replaced with raphs, or when he was lifted close to the large plastron and cradled gently.

Donatello quickly left, basically running to his lab before making his way back with a small bottle of liquid medication, a thin needle and donnies weighted blanket.

They should really get leo his own, it might help him sleep.

The softshell quickly sat down, wrapping the blanket around leos shoulders and gently guiding him into a slightly more laying down position against raphaels plaston.

Leos body language didnt change. He stayed shaking, hunched in on himself and shaking extremely as he hyperventilated. His eyes stared at nothing, unfocused and absent as his mind tried to catch up to real life.

"whats the bottle and needle for dee?" mikey asked quietly, squeezing leos hand rhythmically trying go ground him.

"a last resort. its a concentrated dose of xanax, an aciety medication. but its not great for asthamtics or individuals with suicidal thoughts. and definetly not meant to be injected. its too easy to get addicted to- but i do not want him passing out from lack of oxygen" donnie explained quickly, putting his head in his brothers gaze to try and get him to meet his eyes.

"nardo you need to breathe. i know, its okay. but you must try to breathe slower" donnie said softly, watching and waiting for leo to show the slightest indication of calming down.

He wasnt going to calm down on his own, and if he didn't he was going to pass out.

Donnie cussed softly, reaching for the small glass bottle and needle.

"i thought you said he shouldnt take that?" raph asked, panicky but whispering to try and keep the slider from getting worse.

"do you have a better idea?" donnie snapped back, holding the needle up gently to push the air out.

"nardo im going to give you something to calm down, you might feel a little pinch from the needle alright? okay" donnie said quickly in hopes leo was aware enough to comprehend what he had said.

The softshell gently inserted the needle, pushing the liquid into leonardos bloodstream before removing the needle and placing it somewhere no one would accidently step on it or something.

"it was a very concentrated dose of already fast-working medication injected into the bloodstream, it should work momentarily."

And it did. Leos breathing slowed after a minute or two, although he was still shaking slightly, not as badly as before.

"leo, buddy? you okay?" raph mumbled, holding leo tightly, his big arms easily consumed his small body.

They all see mikey as really small, but the twins were only a bit taller than mikey to begin with. Of course donnie being the tallest out of the three by an inch on leo, but still.

"mm hm... kinda fuzzy, but calm fuzzy. i can breathe again. yay" leo said quietly, shuddering slightly and attempting to pull the heavy blanket around him more. Raph quickly assisted, all but swaddling leo and holding him protectively.

"well that is to be expected. the side affects of xanax are decreased mental alertness, confusion, trouble concentrating, memory impairment, drowsiness, fatigue, light-headedness, dizziness, muscle weakness-"

"okay D thank you, you can stop. leo this is not a yay moment. you had like- a panic attack so bad you almost passed out. does that happen often? panic attacks when you're angry?" mikey interrupted, still holding his older brothers hand as he was sat up more by raph.

"when i... dont wanna lash out, i get all worked up and that happ'ns. thats why i usually just scream at dad and run off. sorry, i shouldve just shut up and let him yell at me. i dont like you guys seeing that" leo said quietly, shaking his head to try and get rid of the sleepiness that now clouded his mind.

Raph lifted his hand up to leos face, but the slider intercepted, grabbing raphs hand with the two of his own and bringing it close to his plastron like a hug.

He wasnt sleeping right now.

"leo you have nothing to apologise for, dad getting snappy like that with you was not fair. you do not need to hide from us, you hear me? we're here now. we're going to figure it out. dont you ever for a second think you have to hide or be sorry" mikey said warmly, staring directly into leos slightly unfocused eyes.

"yea, okay" leo replied simply, offering a small smile in return.

"do you want to talk about it? how he makes you feel?" mikey asked gently. Leo looked like he was contemplating for a moment, but then shook his head.

"no, ill just get worked up again. i dont want to talk about it, its not that big a deal" was all he said.

Leo hated feeling so anxious and angry, so scared and panicked. It almost made him miss the depressive episodes that come afterwards.

As soon as they came he didnt miss them. He was always at his lowest during one of them.

Hes honestly surprised he hasnt had one since he tried to kill himself, like a real depressive episode. But that only meant one was coming. They always did.

"okay well can we move this to the med bay so i can look at nardos hands. he has literally punched dents into a metal beam" donnie said flatly, taking his twins hand gently and examining them.

"i can do that myself, medic remember?" leo said, not pulling his hands away.

"yes, but you've been hitting hard surfaces a lot lately. something could be broken and you not tell us and then you continue to use your hands as if they are not injured because you treated them yourself. besides how are you supposed to effectively treat injuries on your hands when your hands are the parts injured" donnie rambled, inspecting leos wrist the best he could in the dark room.

"cmon leo lets go"

"hey wait i can walk-" leo said, jumping out of raphs arms and immediately losing his balance, falling into donnies arms.

"you're the most annoying turtle brother of mine to ever exist" donnie mutters, holding onto his twin as the slider tried and failed to walk in a straight line.

"ughh i thought this was just anxiety medication why cant i... i can totally walk straight what do you mean" leo talked to himself, seemingly unaware his usual inner monologue was outloud.

"it is anxiety medication, but i injected a high concentrated dose straight it into your mutant/yokai/ bloodstream. its bound to work differently. My hypothesis is that it works relatively quick but will not last as long. i think that dosage i gave you would have a human unconcious by now... possibly..." donnie rambled on, science and theories clouding his brain.

The softshell was pulled out of his thoughts when leo, who was still trying to fight hazily to walk himself, slipped and stumbled yet again.

"you clearly cannot walk. let me help" donnie said frustratedly, though he was just tired and his tone came across harsh. His brothers knew better majority of the time though.

"can i have a piggy back ride dee? pleaseeee" leo pleaded, finally giving up on walking by himself.

Donnie without a word hoisted leo up onto his shell with the help of his mechanical arms, wrapping his actual arms around leos legs. It was times like this that leo was glad donnie was a little taller than him. Leo cheered quietly on the way to the medbay, donnies only response was calling him a dum dum.

"alright let me check, you really need to stop hitting hard surfaces. lets try a pillow next time" donnie said as he inspected leos hands, the slider being sat on a gurney.

"kay" leo replied simply, watching absent-mindedly as donnie tended to his hands.

"while im here i might check your shoulder and arms. Your shoulder was a deep gash, so i will just change the bandaging, but your wrists were shallow slices. they should be alright now" donnie explained while going to unwrap the bandages around leos arms.

Leo, once realising what donnie was doing, pulled his arms into his chest, shaking his head.

"i can do this bit, just do my shoulder. i probably cant reach it properly" Donnie wanted to argue, he saw his brothers wanted to as well but were keeping silent.

The softshell wanted to tell leo no, tell him to stop being so stubborn and hiding from them. They there wasnt anything they could possibly see worse than what they already know about him. But one look into his twins eyes? His sad, pleading, determined and fearful eyes? Donnie couldnt force him to do something his was so obviously uncomfortable with.

"thats fine, let me see your shoulder then" donnie agreed softly, beginning to tend to leos shoulder.

Raph and mikey didnt comment, they tried to not get between the twins. Donnie knew what he was doing medically (thanks to leo who gave helped him learn a few things) and he definetly knew leo.

Once he was done, the three left the med bay, telling leo he had ten minutes to check and rebandadge his wrists before they returned. The slider promised thats all he'd do and he would call for help if he needed it.

-

Ten minutes later they went back in and were met with leo lying on his stomach, stretched over the gurney. The bandages were clearly freshly put on, donnie immediately adjusting them because they looked extremely tight for simple cuts that were days- heck a week or more? old.

"okay i think we should all get some sleep, its starting to get la-" Suddenly the crime alert went off, making all four of them jump.

"its just some random dog yokai robbing a store, minimal threat level" donnie quickly informed the others, shutting off the alarm through his tech.

"yay mission time" leo cheered unenthusistically.

"no, you're not going until you're better. raph and donnie will go, you two stay here and rest." raph quickly states, taking charge of the situation.

Sometimes he forgot that leo was the leader, it was hard to see where leader and big brother lines blurred between red and blue. But there was no way raph was letting leo be in control at this moment.

Maybe if it was a big threat and he wasnt suffering the side effects of a usually fine human medication? Sure, no problemo.

"no raphie i should come with you, donnie is literally going to die if he doesnt sleep soon hes exhausted" mikey quickly interjects, ignoring donnies glare.

Raph took one look at donnie, who was trying and failing to hide his fatigue, and immediately agreed.

The two left, claiming they'll be back soon and for them to call if something happened.

"alright nardo, i think you should sleep" donnie said while helping leo out into the purple banded turtles bedroom.

They were originally going to go to leos bedroom, but he had expressed he hated being in there after a breakdown. Besides, his room was trashed and have to be cleaned anyways, they couldnt go in there now.

"can we just cuddle?" leo mumbled quietly, his twin almost missing it.

Donnie immediatly softened, why would he ever say no to his brother like this? He didnt like phsycial touch sure and there had been a lot of it yea but... he could never say no. Somehow his teins touch never burned like the others. it was always gentle and sincere. Leo was so gentle and sincere.

After removing his battle shell, they got into the purple coded bed, pulling donnies large weighted blanket over both of them and snuggled into eachother. The softshell let leo wrap his arms around his waist and pull close into his plastron, returning the affection by wrapping his arms around the top of his patterned shell.

Leo couldnt helo but feel relaxed because of the drug, almost immediatly falling asleep involuntarily. Donnie waited until the slider was asleep, exhausted himself but needing to keep his twin safe. His mind was eased when he felt his brothers grip loosen and body slump completely limp, falling asleep himself.

Thats how the the warm colour coded brothers came back thirty minutes later, to their twins sleeping in eachothers arms like they had since they were tots. They then themselves went to their respected rooms, falling into a peaceful slumber.

- thirty minutes later

Leo checked the time, he had been asleep for barely an hour before awoken by a nightmare. His mind was hazy, but everytime he closed his eyes he was met with the same face..Just the face.

So instead he wiggled out of his clingy twins grip, replacing himself with a pillow, sighing at the loss of comfort.

He felt dirty. Why did he feel dirty?

Welp, he guessed it was going to be a long night of muted video games and no sleep.

Chapter Text

"leo? good mornin, did you sleep at all?" raph asked quietly, mindful of his little brothers still in bed. Leos sleeping patterns were always all over the place, his nights of no sleep were worse than his twins. Donnie would stay up all night working on his tech but then sleep a little later into the morning, or take a nap before patrol or a mission. Leo just didnt sleep.

Each of the brothers had their own ways of dealing with the aftermath of a nightmare. Raph needed to immediately check to see if his little brothers were safe. Donnie would get overstimulated so the brothers would quickly take the rules set for donatello overstimuation. And those included 'no one can touch him except Leo, for some reason'. Mikey would go to any one of his big brothers, sometimes seeking them all out depending on what he needed, and would talk about it, hug it out, search reassurance on their presence and probably sleep hugging one of them. The latter would normaly be with Leo or Raph. Leo wouldn't talk about it and just go to the surface to search for fresh air, though none of his brothers knew exactly what he did when he went out, but as long as it didn't harm him and it helped him, they agreed they wouldn't look deeper into it.

Obviously they should have payed more attention, but hey atleast leo didnt leave the lair this time.

The slider didnt give a verbal answer, shaking his head lightly as he contuined playing the game. When raph got a closer look him, he noticed the tired and conflicted look on his little brothers face, his eyebags dark as the night sky without his mask to cover them. A look that is always there after a nightmare. The snappers heart immediatly softened from the brewing lecture, and he sat down next to the younger.

"did ya have a nightmare?" raph asked gently, snagging the controller away from leo and pressing the pause button.

Leo glared at raph for a moment before looking down and sighing, nodding his head.

He WAS just going to lie, but how many god damn times has he promised his brothers he'd stop lying and hiding? And the look on raphs face where he just wants to help? Its like looking at a puppy who just wants a pat. A simple pat.

It'd make him so happy if he opened up, acted like raph was helping him. He doesnt need to go into detail, but he clearly knows somethings wrong. If leo lies, it'll just worry the snapper more, and the more he worries the more hovery he'll be and then that'll probably lead to leos big mouth causing an argument-

"wanna tell me what it was about? it might make ya feel better" raph asked, warm smile on his face.

Leo didnt answer right away, and the older opened his arms, offering a hug. Leo shook his head, drumming his fingers on his knees.

"it was just some stupid guy in my dream and i... i couldnt move. it just reminded me of sleep paralysis and that sucks. im okay, i slept for an hour" leo explained quietly, looking anywhere but raphs eyes. He was lying, but raph didnt pick up on it. The lie was believable, leo had suffered from sleep paralysis before.

"hey, hey. look at me" raph said gently, waiting as leo made eye contact and smiling supportively.

"its not stupid, sleep paralysis is scary, and if it reminds you of that well then that makes it scary too. you really should be sleeping more though, why didnt you come to raph? when we got home you guys were all cozy and snuggled up" god, going to raph didnt even cross leos mind. Going to anyone for help didnt even cross leos mind. He just knew they'd be mad of he left the lair, and he didnt want to leave anyways. Too cold, he was too tired. Not a good mix.

"didnt think to go to anyone. dee was sleeping too, he was really tired" the turtles knew that leo was most likely to wander to donnies when he wasnt asleep, depending on the circumstances. The soft sounds of the softshells typing or his endless scientific ranting would lull him to sleep, and if it didnt, well leo was happy to help out.

He used to rush to raph for safety and protection, but that fizzled out as they got older. They were always pinned against eachother somehow, even though they were supposed to be close as ever, and leo always thought about how much he hated it- but also how much raph hated him in comparison.

That was a sad thought, his brothers hating him. Deep down he knew they didnt, but in another part deep down he couldnt help but think they did. That thought caused many nights of endless tears. He genuinely couldnt express in words how much it hurt.

Leo wouldnt run to mikey and wake him up after a nightmare, he could never bring himself to. That was his baby brother.

Raphs heart ached, asking for help and comfort didnt even cross leos mind? He just immediately thought to hide out by himself? No, scratch that. In leos head it wasnt even him hiding, it was just the fact that he didnt even consider asking for help as an option.

He didnt consider asking for help as an option. A child, whose first instinct would be to run to someone, didnt even think to.

"okay well next time you have a nightmare come to raph okay? big bro 'll chase all the scary things away, like a boss!" raph declared, flexing one of his arms and poking leos forehead softly with the other, smiling goofily.

Leo took one look at raph and cracked a smile, swatting his big hand away.

"raphie im not five anymore, you dont need to chase away the monsters under my bed" the slider joked, turning his body to face raph more.

He couldnt help but feel lighter when raph mothered him, couldnt help but comply with what he was told. Not in a way that was controlling, but in a way that someone actually care and he didnt have to be mr perfectly fine mature adult no one needed to worry about. He could be just a vulnerable kid who needed an older figure in his life.

Hes... hes never really had a parental figure, and though he feels guilty about it, raphael was the closest thing hes ever had to one. He had tío hueso, tío mateo and oddly enough he got parental validation from big mama, but it wasnt the same. It was like that for all of them for years, lack of parental figure, but they have splinter now, that option is there for them.

Leo didnt have splinter. Its not like they only fought and he hadnt tried to go to him for things, he really did. He was always brushed away, always started a fight, always ignored or talked over. Oh leo, the child no one needed to worry about. He just learnt to deal with things himself.

Recently raph had learnt leo didnt respond to the yelling or ordering, he responded to positive reinforcement and kind words. It was like trying to get a small child to do something for you, or atleast mikey explained it that way so raph would understand. Raph thought leo acting more like a small child, even when not in a little space, had everything to do with the fact he felt he had to be grown up.

Leo had to protect, because who was there to protect raph? The snapper couldnt protect everyone and himself, and leo knew that. So he became the lifeline. He took on his twins stubbornness, soothed and indulged in mikey and his youngest child nonsense, made sure to treat raph like a kid as well and take his dads hatred and depression.

Leo kept them all together in one piece. How didnt they see that before?

It wasnt raph as the biggest brother, or donnie as the designated i need to immediatly fix everyting. It wasnt splinter as the adult, mikey as the little psychologist or april as the compassionate tough love big sister. It was leo. The snappy, bold, bright middle child who was way too observant his whole life. Too worried and aware.

"you're still allowed to be scared leo. facing your fears doesnt mean you arent scared anymore, it just means you're brave for trying. and you're allowed to have support during that! im here, to be support" raph says sternly, grinning proudly.

"yea... thanks big bro" leo said quietly, smiling softly. It was a small smile, but it was a genuine one. Or atleast, it wanted to be genuine. Raph counted that as a win.

"wanna play two player?" raph asked, handing leo back the controller.

"i should probably train... i havent been for the past like, ages an-"

"nope. raphs stoppin you right there. you're not training till your shoulders and hands healed. you're also allowed to rest, you've been going through... a lot, and training not being on your mind is perfectly fine! we need to change those habits before you get back into serious training anyways. you work too hard" raph quickly interrupted, stern mother hen voice very present.

"fine, but im sick of this game. been playing it for the past seven hours. i dont even know what im doing at this point" leo joked, pressing the off button on the controller and tossing it to the side.

"well mike and don should be up soon, why dont we get started on breakfast?" raph ask hopefully, just wanting leo to do something.

"okay but you're only allowed near the toaster" leo joked, watching as raph stood up and gave him a mock salute.

Leo went to follow, standing up and immediately walking, but only a mere second later his vision became fuzzy and he stumbled slightly, closing his eyes as raph held him worriedly.

"you okay? whats going on? is-"

"cool it big guy, just a dizzy spell. its probably because i stood up too fast or cause i cant remember the last time i drank water... this happens all the time dont you worry" leo said casually, immediatly standing up on his own.

He wasnt lying when he said it was a normal occurrence, leo bounced around feeling dizzy all the time. He'd get out of bed and feel super dizzy but just keep walking. It was like a game of how far can he get, and he always wins but not falling over. Leo liked winning at something.

He never won at anything else. Everyone thought he was obsessed with winning because it fuelled his ego. No, leo was obsessed with making everyone see him as a winner because he felt so absolutely useless and stupid on the inside. He wanted people to look at him and think he was a winner, someone cool and awesome because if thats what they thought then thats what he was.

Splinter never thought highly about leonardo though, that much was true.

"that should not be a normal thing! you- hey, whats wrong? you got a look on ya face" raph said quickly, softening and leaving leo at arms length.

"am i bad?" raph almost didnt hear him, he almost didnt want to.

What could he say to that? What did he even mean when he asked that?

"no leo, you're not bad. raph promises"

Leo meant to ask if he was evil, horrible, psycho. If he was rude and annoying and insensitive. If he was beyond fixing, if he deserved everything. If he deserved the pain. The beatings, the yelling, the constant ringing in his head. The nightmares and voices.

He wanted to ask if raph hated him. He wanted to cry and try to verbalise how much it hurt to think of his brothers hating him. How much his heart ached so badly it felt like it was pushing on his ribcage everytime he thought about his brothers hating him.

He wanted to ask why his dad hated him.

He asked if he was bad.

"mkay, do you mind if i go to my room first? i want to take these bandages off and get a hoddie" leo asked

"of course not, can raph tag along?" the snapper immediately responded, following the slider when he shrugged and walked towards his room.

The bedroom was still a mess, raph had to be careful to not step on anything with his large feet as leo searched his floor for a hoodie he wanted to wear.

He ended up settling on a dark green hoddie, similar to donnies olive skin only darker. The slider sat on his bed, placing the hoodie next to him and tried to start unwrapping the bandages.

He had struggled enough last night with the rebandaging, his hands being awfully sore and shaky. But the next day pain after he had just spent hours playing video games? His hands ached painfully.

His struggle must have shown, because raph, who was only going to watch, quickly intervened.

"hey let me help with that, dont wancha hurtin yourself" he said, sitting down on the bed.

Leo pulled his arms to his chest, away from raph and shook his head, eyes fearful, embarrassed? Raph couldnt tell.

"leo im not gonna judge, i jus' wanna help. let me take them off for you, your hands are already hurt enough" raph said, holding his hands out.

Leo sighed quietly and pulled his arms away from his chest, holding them out to raph and looking down in the opposite direction. He couldnt bare seeing raphs reaction. And yea logically he knows raphs seen this shit but it doesnt matter. He cant bare it.

Raph smiled softly and begun taking the bandages off. He worked slowly, gently in case any of the fabric pulled on raised skin. His heart cracked when he saw the the nasty red tinted lines, mostly healed but still tender on his green skin. He ran his thumb along them lightly, feeling the raised skin.

Leo looked over at the sensation, frowning when he saw what raph was doing. His anxiety immediately spiked.

The snapper was so gentle, why was he so gentle after everything leo had done? Couldnt he just... just yell at him? Call him a freak or something and kick him out? He thinks thats what their dad would do. Leo looked back down, hating that he had to put his brothers through this. Shit like this would be traumatic for them too, right?

"m sorry raph, you shouldn' have to..." his words fell short, his throat tightening as if verbal communication just slipped from his list of capabilities. He tried to pull his arm away, only to be gently held by raph.

The snapper brought his head down, leaving soft kisses along leos arm repeatedly. Leo tried to pull away again, but raph didnt let go, continuing.

Why was he doing this?

- 5 years ago -

Leo was ten, and he had just finished watching a lou jitsu movie with raph. They had decided to make a ninja obstacle course and practise like their second favourite hero.

The obstacle course was large, some parts extremely tall and well- raph, being a big clumsy eleven year old, fell and sprained his wrist.

The snapper was crying, scared and hurting when leo ran over to him.

"jus' a sprain raphie!" leo chirped out with a smile, wrapping his wrist up.

Raph continued to sniffle and cry, his wrist hurting a lot for the little kid. Leo tried to wipe his big brothers tears, but it didnt work.

"don't cry big brother" the slider was distressed, letting out little chirps as his hands flapped lightly- but then he remembered something he saw on a movie one time. A little kid hurt himself and his mummy kissed it all better. Leo wasnt raphies mummy obviously, but the kisses should still work!

So thats what the slider did, he gently took his big brothers wrist and started placing little kisses all over it, loud and obnoxious sounding.

Soon raph was giggling, scooping his little brother up with his uninjured arm and blowing raspberries on his cheek. Leo giggled and squealed, kicking his legs.

"raphies okay now yea?"

"yea little brother, cause of you"

- present -

Leo let out a low whine, little clicks building up in his chest as he eyes glossed over. Raph remembered that. His big brother. He remembered...

"im so sorry leo, dont ever apologise. its okay" raph murmered, letting leo take his arms back and smiling softly. Leo sniffed, blinking his tears away as he jumped into his brothers arms, squeezing tightly before pulling away and pulling his hoodie on.

Nothing more was said as they both left the room, going into the kitchen to get started on breakfast.

Raph made the toast as leo scrambled eggs in the frying pan, something simple and easy on his sore hands. The repetitive motion was actually quite calming, he forgot how much he missed cooking. He helped mikey with it a lot when his hands were all messed up, but that didnt end so well sometimes.

Soon mikey and donnie made their way into the kitchen, the softshell immediatly retrieving his morning coffee that leo made sure to have ready.

"breakfast is served mis hermanos" leo says casually, watching as raph picked up four plates and brought them to the table before he could grab them.

Leo made sure to fix a plate for their dad and put it on the kitchen bench.

This breakfast felt like old times, back in the days before they met draxum and they just goofed off heaps. Leo hadnt felt that light since then.

Splinter walked in, silently observing his sons as if they didnt notice him. Leo did.

"morning pops" leo said casually, taking a sip from his favourite juice - orange and mango.

"good morning my sons" splinter said back.

Donnie muttered a good morning, and raph and mikey said their usual greetings and went back to eating.

"that smells delicious, what are you four eating?" he continued, peering over at the four plates.

"just scrambled eggs. i made up a plate for you and i made separate ones for you and donnie cause you dont like chilli flavoured things. raph helped me heaps" leo said, still not looking at his father and now poking his remaining breakfast instead of eating it. His dad always made him feel so small and inferior.

"i see, very good red" and yea tell the golden child how well he did, because its not like leo can ever do anything right, right? He was just the screw up tantrum child.

"actually leo made it, all i did was carry the plates and butter a heck tonne of toast!" raph nudges leo smiling brightly.

Splinter nods in acknowledgement, taking his plate and sitting down at the table.

Leo was kind of excited to eat something he made with his brothers, something that they all seemed to enjoy, but then splinter walked in and he felt all... funny. Scared, small, Judged. Like he wad just waiting for splinter to say something. The eggs all the sudden felt icky in his mouth, he remembered that they were actually eggs. Ew. He didnt want to eat while splinter was around anyways, it was weird. He just... showed up, so leo wasnt going to eat. Simple as that. There has to be a controlled change for something that happened randomly.

The snapper noticed leos sudden aversion to eating and nudged him slightly, making the smaller look up with confused and conflicted eyes. Raph thinks he saw fear, but he cant pinpoint it.

Leo tilts his head back down to look at the plate and leans sideways on raph. The snapper immediatly snaked his big arm around his little brother, holding him lightly but protectively as he continued to eat. Raph loved that leo was accepting being babied right now, he was in his big brother element.

Leo didnt want to eat, nope, wasnt eating anymore. He refused. But he might have felt a little clingy right now... just a little. Raph was babying him, but in a protective way not a controlling way, so it was good. It was comforting, he felt small, but okay with it. He liked being protected for once.

"alright nardo i believe its time we go through that meal plan we were going to prepare" donnie announced, watching his brother pick at his food for long enough.

"noooo dont make me do that, whatever shall i do without a meal plan!" leo mumbled, voice dripping with sarcasm. Raph smiled fondly at the slight humor, and nudged him, a simple gesture to tell him to stop being so dramatic.

Leo had been pretty quiet with the jokes lately, they were glad to see his little dramatics popping up, not completely disappearing.

"leo, you're forgetting to eat or just simply not eating because you dont want to. and yes sometimes we understand maybe you cant and you dislike when we force you, but this isnt a sometimes situation its an always situation. we also understand that its also a control thing, which is why we'll do it together and anything you disagree with, we can compromise, okay?" damn, it was way too early and leo was way too tired to piss off doctor feelings and activate doctor delicate touch. Besides, he wasnt getting out of this.

His brothers were actively trying to help him, could he really be mad at that? Not really. And he hated to admit, for a reason unknown, but he wanted to get better and he didnt want to continue to make his brothers worry.

Besides, leo would be having a controlled thing in his life. And it was mostly controlled by him, just enforced by others because hes self-destructive! Hes still in control, this isnt forced, they arent controlling him.

They arent.

Leo mumbled a response, agreeing to set up the dumb meal plan.

"what is going on?" splinter asked, confused in the conversation with lack of context. They honestly forgot he was there- they being leos three brothers, leo himself didnt forget.

"nardo has an eating disorder based around his issues with control and his emotional instability, so we are creating a meal plan to help him get on a schedule of healthy food intake" donnie explains monotonously, pulling a pretty large whiteboard from... somewhere...

"i see" was all splinter said in reply, glancing over at leonardo with a sad look.

I see? You were just told your son has a fucking eating disorder.

"blue, when did this start?" the rat man asked, brows furrowed.

"oh you know, a while ago. long enough for me to not always know when im hungry" leo replied, making a 'so, so' motion with his hand.

"we can write it on this, and then stick it next to the fridge above the kettle, that way any one of us is most likely to see it and remember. for example: papa when he makes tea, myself when i make coffee, ael when he comes to the fridge for a snack or michael when he is cooking" donnie explains, ruling lines for each day as well as times.

Leo wasnt included in the list of who should remember leos eating habits, and yea fair enough but leo wasnt stupid.

The whiteboard was huge and had room for all seven days horizontally as well as six extra collums underneath each day for times to eat food. The order went meal, snack, meal, snack, meal, snack - all having designated time slots, written conveniently without certain times because of their sleep schedules.

So the first meal was two hours after leo woke up, giving his stomach time to 'get up and go", as leo desecibed it, and hopefully develop feelings of hunger like its supposed to.

Donnie originally wanted the slider to eat breakfast a lot earlier than that, but leo expressed he barely ever registers those feelings of hunger anymore to begin with and the mere thought of eating too soon after he woke up made him feel phsycially ill.

Then there was morning tea three hours later, another meal two hours after that, afternoon tea three hours later, the last meal another three hours after that, and then the last snack two hours after that.

Of course leo had spread them out as far as he could, drawing the line at six designated eating times when raph suggested more. Mikey backed leo up on that bit, saying that leos hunger level had definetly shrunk woth how little he was eating and they shouldnt force feed him. He explained how it was more beneficial to eat small amounts over long periods of time, compared to big amounts in small time periods, as well as how longer breaks in between give leo time to eat at whatever pace he feels like as well as give his metabolism time to kick in and have his body register the food and release the whole hunger feelings.

Then the hard part: meal planning.

They started with pulling out a notepad, making lists of food leo liked, safe foods, and foods he hated. And eventually they had a whole list of things to stick next to the whiteboard, as well as the whiteboard filled up.

There were a few things leo disagreed with, things he rubbed off the board knowing that his brothers would just add them back on there. It didnt matter, he was being listened to- it felt so good to be... to be listened to! They didnt yell or question, and his dad eventually left after peaking at the whiteboard.

Raph also suggested that they make a little chart to record what leo had eaten, just in case one day he decided he wanted to eat something else or at different times. Mikey got excited, saying he would make little food stickers to decorate the boards and charts they had made.

The three also agreed that they would put reminders in their phones to remember, as well as inform april and milo the next time they saw them.

Leo thought it was pretty dramatic, this much effort just to make him eat, but he couldnt complain about it. That wouldnt be fair to his brothers. And he... he wanted to be better. It kinda sucked not liking something that kept you alive.

"alright, now we should focus on how you eat. like we know your preferred utensils are forks and small spoons, but we should also talk about where you're eating and if you need some sort of distraction or if you can just sit here and eat casually" and then they figured that out as well, super exciting stuff for leo, totally.

Blah blah blah, a while later.

"okay theres one more thing we need to talk about-" leo let out a loud whiney groan, frustration flooding his body. He just wanted to be done with it, this was so much effort. This is boring!

"buddy this is important, just listen to what mikey was gonna say and after this we're done" raph said supportively, shaking his head at leos dramatics.

Leo, personally, thought they had covered everything. And if he sat here for another minute he was going to explode- HE HADNT MOVED IN AN HOUR. AND HE WAS SITTING AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE. IN A NORMAL POSITION.

The neurodivergent in leo was definetly making an appearance, and he was not enjoying it.

He liked to live in denial and try to gaslight his brothers into thinking he didnt actually have ASD and ADHD. Then mikey would screech "STOP GASLIGHTING PEOPLE LEO ITS NOT NICE". He thought it was funny.

"this is important, i need to know if this has gone beyond just starving yourself. do you purge as well?" mikey asked seriously, watching leos face for any reveal of emotions incase he lied.

Leo thought for a moment, had he? No, he ha- okay leo dont lie yes he has, he just never ate a lot to do it. But usually anytime he ate a remotely acceptable portion of food, nine times out of ten that food was going down the toilet. Or sink. Or drain in the shower. Or into the sewers. Point is yes, leo did do that.

Now he was just going to lie, but at this point after theyve just spent so long doing this, what was the point in lying? What did any of them gain from him lying, because usually he lied to spare his family some sort of hardship.

"yea, not just sometimes either" leo responded quietly. He was scared, this was scary. He also felt oddly ashamed, this was so dumb! Why couldnt leo just eat like a normal person.

He had his hands gripped under his seat anxiously as he rocked it side to side. He needed to move- to do something. His brain was going to explode or implode and cry or scream or something.

"alright, so that means we're going to have it so someones with you when you eat, so you cant do that. it might seem annoying, but its for your own benefit. we'll have to tell milo and april about it, just because you're around them a lot. we wont worry about cass and casey, they're not even in new york at the moment. is that okay?" mikey continues, serious face softening to understanding when he noticed the sliders anxiety.

Leo nodded his head in understanding, eyes trained on the table as he tried to distract his brain from the scary fog that was accumulating.

"it says that a lot of people feel ashamed over their issues surrounding food, and i want to say nardo do not feel ashamed and it is okay to struggle and require support" donnie says, usual blank tone present.

Twin telepathy. Fun sometimes, not when your twin just fucking reads your mind.

"yea, okay. can we talk about something else now? like anything else and can we also get up i cant sit here any longer" leo says quickly, standing up and jumping lightly on his feet.

Before any of them could respond, leo quickly spoke again.

"can we train? we havent trained for ages! can we train?" he asked anxiously, repeating himself accidentally.

"no leo, i already told you earlier that you werent training until your hands were better. they're already all messed up" raph said, crossing his arms.

"but raph! i wont use my hands, or any weapons- i have feet- and im the leader, not you, and i say we need to train" leo whined, mimicking his big brothers crossed arms.

Maybe he was feeling a bit small... is that what mikey called it? Little?

He did say that it was a way to deal with extreme stress and trauma, which was a regular occurrence for leo. But he also said it could be triggered by something like raph being mother hen.

"yea, maybe im not the leader but im still ya big brother and if you're not gonna look after ya health then we will! im sure the other two agree no trainin, so no trainin" mikey and donnie nodded in confirmation, mikey sending leo an apologetic smile and donnie just looking at him plainly and shrugging.

"can we go on a run then? i wanna go on a run" leo said. He needed to do something! And he knew raph would kill him if he got out his skateboard.

Raph groaned at leos persistence, throwing his arms up and gesturing towards the slider while giving the other two an exasperated look.

"ill go on a run with you leo!" mikey beamed, happy to oblige to his older brothers activities.

The younger could see leo was itching for something to do. Some sense of normality for him, and what better way to do that then to join him in his regular activities and make sure he doesnt do anything stupid!

Raph looked at them anxiously, wondering whether he should let the problem child and the youngest child go out alone- especially when sometimes the problem child became the youngest child! You'd think raph would be over it by now, but nope, he didnt like any of his brothers going out without him. Didnt like it when leo wanted to go out alone, or as of recently if he wanted to go out in general. Didnt like it when mikey wanted to go out alone, or even with donnie. Or when donnie wanted to, or when the DISASTER TWINS wanted to go out alone. Nope. Raph was needed, otherwise something was going to go wrong.

"just let them go raph, nardo might combust if you tighten his figurative leash anymore than it already is" donnie said, patting raphs shell with one of his mechanical arms.

"be free my youngest brother and obnoxious twin, be back in time for the next designated meal plan or take snacky snacks with you in this little backpack that i just pulled out of my shell" leo jumped on top of his twin, thanking him for sticking up for him and reaching for the bag, telling donnie he had to help him pack or else.

Raph watched leo as he tormented donnie, walking over to mikey.

"does he seem smaller to you? i dont want him to be up top if he might regress soon" raph said worriedly, chasm clear on his forehead.

Mikey looked over, watching his two big brothers closely. Leo was sitting on top of donnies plastron while searching through the small backpack eagerly to see what his twin had put in there. He had that certain sparkle in his eyes of childlike curiosity.

"yea- i thought he just got all anxious but maybe he was just scared because he was getting smaller? maybe we shouldnt go up top. but i already promised him- maybe if you and donnie come it'll be fine? if we get into any trouble or leo regresses younger we'll all come straight home. please raph you know he'll totally throw a tantrum if you tell him no" mikey asked with puppy eyes.

Raph watched his little brother nervously, he didnt know if this was a great idea.

"hey lee! what do you think of raphie and donnie coming too?" mikey asked loudly while laughing at donnies futile attempts to calm leo because he was smooshing him into the floor at this point.

"yea we all can go on a run!" leo said excitedly. The slider loved to run and swim, they were his favourite phsycial activities.

"get off of me!" donnie screech, taking advantage of his twins distracted state and using his mechanical arms to lift leo into the air.

"hey dee thats not fair! i dont have metal arms" leo pouts, kicking and trying to get away from donnies grip.

Raph scooped him up out of the mechanical arms, opting to hold him away from his twin before they started wrestling again. Mikey came over to leo, smiling fondly at his big- well, probably little, brothers antics.

"hey lee, how old are you?" mikey asked gently, watching leo intently.

"im supposed'a be fifteen aren't i?" leo asks with a tilt of his head. Thats how old he was, wasnt he? What did mikey mean how old was he. Thats such a weird question.

"yea i know, but how old do you feel up here?" mikey said, poking leos head softly, smiling warmly when leo giggled and grabbed his hand.

"uhmmm well im not a little kid" leo insisted, knowing he was smaller but not a little little kid.

"well from that information id say you're twelve, hm?" donnie asked. If he remembers correctly, and he always does, as soon as the twins turned double digits he insisted he wasnt a little kid anymore because the numbers were so big.

"mhm! im twelve" leo said confidently, nodding his head up and down. They forgot how much of an energetic kid leo was. He wasnt very little right now, but still younger than an almost sixteen year old.

Leo had been regressing quite a bit since they found out he was a regressor, which they guessed wasnt a bad thing, but it wasnt a good thing either.

They all fanned out to their bedrooms to put their usual wrappings and masks on, leo taking his hoodie off and putting on his regular gloves and such.

"alright, we ready to go?"

Chapter Text

The boys ran around up top for a while, letting leo use up all his energy. Raph was praying to pizza supreme that leo would exhaust himself to the brink of passing out and then sleep for the next thriteen hours.

It was going well, that is until they ran into a few thugs- wolf yokai. And when they say ran into, they quite literally mean ran into. Leo had fallen and tripped through a window into a building that the yokai were robbing.

"im okay!" leo cheered, all the sudden feeling a chill up the back of his shell and looking behind him.

Warm amber eyes met dark vicious red.

"what a cute brat this is, why are you here little girl?" one of them asks, smirking whilst kicking him harshly. Leo turns his nose up at that, he wasnt a girl, and what the hell that hurt?!

He needed big leo, big leo big leo big leo! It wasnt time for him to be small anymore, he needed to be bigger.

"im not a girl!" leo let out, trying to be serious and trigger something that would make him big again- is that how it even worked? He didnt know- but he thinks its working?

"oh so this little guy just has a plump ass and thighs and a slim little figure" the second says, picking the slider from the ground, scratching his green skin with his sharp claws.

The way the wolf had grabbed him, leos arms were bound to his sides and he couldnt reach for his swords. He was literally helpless and stuck still.

He couldnt move.

The wolf yokai were quite big, maybe one and a half raphs tall, which was leos comparison in his head. The two towered over the slider, undoubtedly large in size.

"get the FUCK away from him!" leo turned around to see his three brothers coming through the window he accidentally crashed through.

Mikeys kusari-fundō wrapped tightly around the wolf yokai holding leo, making him fling the slider to the side. Raph charged at the other, while donnnie quickly made his way to his twin.

"nardo? are you hurt?" donnie asked, scanning the slider before he could answer.

"dee im fine, come help me take these bastards down" leo said with a grin, grasping donnies outstretched hand and pulling himself up.

"id love nothing more, dear brother"

The four started fighting, the wolf yokais were big, but raph could be bigger and the others were faster. Leo was fine, he brushed off the earlier discomfort and fear and forced himself out of those emotions to focus on this until-

"oh mate we know this shit, its the little wimpy slut from the club! look at his markin's" the first yokai said, throwing leo to the side who just panic portalled out of the way of the second wolves claws.

"yea ya right it is! lets say we have some more fun tonight sweet cheeks, huh?" lro remembered that night, how did he ever forget? It was like he just forgot it up until now.

- a few weeks ago -

Leo was at one of the clubs in the hidden city, he hadnt had any alcohol yet. He was just talking to a few friends he had made when someone furry came and hugged him from behind.

The slider jumped, but relaxed when he turned his head to see it was only jacob and his friend nate, two wolf yokai.

"hey jay, whatcha doin?" leo giggled at the hug. Jacob didnt answer, the slider could smell alcohol on him, or maybe it was just the general scent of this place.

"okay you can let go now," leo said nervously, it was just a hug. Leo hugged people all the time.

Jacob didnt let go, infact, before leo could attempt to pull away the wolf yokai changed his grip, wrapping his arms through leos elbows, pulling his arms behind his back and leos shell and back against jacobs body.

Leo could barely move like this.

"hey w-wha- let go" leo said with a nervous laugh, trying to pull away.

When jacob started humping him, grinding against him, moaning and breathing in his ear and down his neck- leo panicked.

"no no NO let GO of me! what are you doing?!" leo squirmed, panicking and scared. He didnt want this- this was not a harmless hug- this-

"help me please!" he called out to any of the countless yokai in the club. No one turned their head.

"HELP- RAPE" leo screamed out the first thing that came to mind- he needed him off this was- no no-

The security guard turned his head, looking around before contuining walking, mustn't had seen leo.

Leo somehow had squirmed out, maybe he had loosened his grip when he screamed- he didnt care he needed out.

"help me, please he wont leave me alone a-and" jacob chased him and reached for him again, grasping leos arm and pulling him back into the same earlier position.

Leo screamed, crying for him to let go. He was scared-

The others laughed and ignored them.

Leo couldnt use his arms, and all his self defence training had just left his head. He went into fight or flight.

Being born female, leo was constantly aware of those dangers. He had a plan in his head that if anyone ever tried to take him, he'd kick them in the balls or stomach and stomp really hard on his foot.

Childish, maybe. But it was a pretty solid plan.

He tried it with jacob, it didnt work.

This went on for a little bit, the running the grabbing the laughing the-the crying and humping. Jacob didnt say a word he just had this, this predator look in his eyes. It was threatening, scary. Terrifying.

The next time he got away, he ran into the womens bathroom, which he felt horrible for because he wasnt a woman- but jacob could go in the mens and unisex bathrooms!

He waiting a bit then peaked out, seeing jacob had gone off to one of their other 'friends'. Leo walked back over to the original group he was in. He couldnt breathe, he was coughing and crying from how much he was yelling.

"hey leon! we were just gonna head to the pub down the street, coming or what?" one of the girls asked with a drunk giggle.

See leo? it wasnt that serious. No one else thought it was, they all laughed at it earlier. It was just a joke. Dont be dramatic.

it wasnt real, nothing actually happened.

- present -

Leo didnt remember until now, somehow he forgot- how did he forget that?

His throat felt all tight as he portalled away from the yokai again, next to donnie. He didnt- all he could do was cry as he remembered it.

"nardo?- what the FUCK did you do?" donnie seethed, turning to the yokai once he saw his brothers face. Raph wouldve told him not to swear, if he wasnt just as fucking angry.

The three fought the yokai, eventually beating them. They were tied up in the corner, the two were going to be violently interrogated later. It was a piece of cake for three extremely lethal, murderous brothers.

"hey leo, tell us whats-?" raph tried to ask, tapping leos shoulder from behind.

Leo jumped and spun around, accidentally making a portal behind him and losing grip on his katanas, falling backwards through the portal as the blades fell to the ground at raphs feet.

"LEO"

- with leo - little bit of a timeskip -

"blue? why did you call me?" splinters voice rings out through the phone. Leo lets out a sob, shivering as he curled up against the wall. His breath was heavy and quick- he was hyperventilating.

"h-hey dad..." leo mumbled, sniffing. Splinters heart softened, leo never ever rings splinter while upset, had never gone to him. As a parent, he couldnt help but be concerned.

"my son?" and leo broke at that. He let out a choked sob and whined lowly, endless stream of tears.

"i... i need help" he sobbed out. He almost tried to make a joke, but he couldn't bring himself to. He was so done. He couldnt breathe, he was scared and alone. He just wanted to go home. He wanted to go home.

"what with? where are you? where are your brothers?" the rat man quickly asked.

"i dunno, i portalled into the sewers on accident. but my s'ords are with the others, i dont know how to get home. can you come get me? please daddy" leos words jumbled together, and splinter wanted to be angry at how irresponsible and childish his son was being, leo always used to run to his daddy for help with the simplest things, splinter waving such silly things off, but leo was still one of his boys.

Splinter was annoyed, but he had a responsibility and all that. And he knew the sewer tunnels like the back of his hand after spending years down there. He was worried leonardo was hurt, his boy never was like this, even when he threw all those horrid tantrums.

"ok, can you describe where you are?" splinter asks, beginning the walk in the tunnels.

"uhm... the sewers... theres a massive mouldy blue pipe with a yellow stripe on it... it all kinda looks the same to me. ive only ever wandered and hoped to get back home. theres no manholes to get up to the surface ei'ver" leo explains. He didnt think he could cry more than he already had.

-

When splinter found leo he was annoyed, ready to lecture his son. But when he actually looked at the slider, he softened.

Leo was dirty, covered in muck and faint bruises and scrapes all over his usually flawless skin. The only part of himself that werent faded with dirt were the parts of his face with tear tracks. The slider was slumped against the brick wall of the sewer, sitting with his knees bent into his chest as he drew small patterns into the grime on the ground.

His bare arms; splinter hadnt seen leos bare arms yet. The rat man swears he heard his heart crack in his chest.

Leo was freaked out at the sensation on his skin, ripping his gloves off and throwing them into the sewer water. He had already been down here for a while, only just being alright enough to call someone.

"my son..." he said, running over to leo and checking over his body for any hidden injuries. Leo sniffled.

"i-im so so-rry" he mumbled, trying to smile but he just came across as a terribly wounded puppy.

"are you hurt?" splinter asked, grabbing leos face in his hands and holding his cheeks, watching the sliders foggy eyes refocus.

"huh?" leo asked, confused. Did he mishear?

"i asked if you were hurt, blue" splinter said softly, concern growing the more he watched his son. Leo broke down into sobs. Splinters heart broke even more.

Broken, like father like son. Oh what has splinter done?

"we are only five minutes from home, you must have wandered in the right direction. what happened?" splinter asks.

Leo whines and lets out another sob, retreating into his shell. Splinter sighs and picks leo up out of the muck, walking back in the direction of the lair.

-

"papa we need you to watch for if nardo returns ho-"

"calm down purple, i have your brother with me in the lair- mostly unharmed" splinter assures, looking down at his sons shell in his arms.

Donnie mutters something about being home soon and immediately ends the calls. Splinter sighs fondly and walks to the bathroom and running a bath.

"blue, come out of your shell so we can get the grime off of you" splinter instructs, watching as leo slowly poked himself out.

The slider sniffled and looked at his dad guiltily, feeling bad for making such a mess. His bottom lip trembled when he made eye contact with his father, letting out little sad rumbles.

Splinter was lost for a moment, before remembering the conversation he had with his sons about leonardos age regression.

Something still stumped him. Even if he was mentally a small child, what had happened to make him this distressed? He was at home with his father now, he shouldnt still be so upset.

"i have to take you wrappings off, little one. and then you will get in the bath okay?" splinter hadnt spoken like this since his sons were only small.

Splinter didnt know if it was possible to watch someone slip into little space, he really only knew what donatello and michelangelo had told him, but he swears he watched his son get younger before his eyes.

Leo nodded, leaning down to his feet so he could take off his shoe-like wrappings. When he tried to grip them he hissed lightly, letting go and watching as the elastic texture wrapped back around his leg.

Splinter looked to his sons hands, immediately noticing the bruising and sighing, taking leos items off one by one himself.

When did leo even get those? It definetly wasnt from earlier.

The rat man finished, putting the items in a pile next to the bath so he could hand wash them while leo sat in the water, remembering how much his little blue loved to swim and splash. He reached up to leos head, untying his mask and putting it in the pile.

"hop in the bath my son" leo wasted no time lowering himself into the warm water, letting out quiet chirps that splinter smiled at.

"im going to wash the yucky off you now blue, hold still" splinter said softly, grabbing a cloth and leos scrub brush for his shell.

Leo held mostly still as splinter washed the left over grime off of him, whining or wiggling a little when splinter wiped and scrapes and bruises.

"do not squirm blue" splinter said sternly, getting frusterated with his annoying son. He switched from cloth to brush as he scrubbed leos carpace.

The slider was silent, he was squriming cause it hurt. But all he did was make his dad mad like he always does. Hes so dumb.

The action was soothing, making leo release relaxed churring noises that splinter smiled at.

"alright, the bath water will begin to go cold soon, so when that happens it is time to get out. until then you may play with ducky" the sat man said, giving leo a pat on the head and passing him a blue rubber duck that mikey had designed to look like leo. If splinter remembered anything from the boys childhood, it was how much he loved playing pretend in the water. Bathtime was always a fun time.

The slider took the duck and waved it in the water, playing pretend while splinter got started on washing the clothing items.

They were pretty disgusting.

"LEO!?" They heard from somewhere in the lair, making leo let out a quiet, distressed whine at the tone and volume of the voices. He didnt want to get in trouble or make his brothers worried or angry or-

"it is just your brothers, do not be a baby" splinter said lightly, brushing off leos distress.

He supposed leo was, literally like a baby right now.

"we are in the bathroom boys!" splinter called out, continuing to scrub at leos dirty bandana in the sink.

They heard quick footsteps, and almost immediatly the three turtles were in the door of the bathroom.

"leo! what happened?"

"i have your swords, are you okay?"

"are you hurt?"

Leo watched them all with wide eyes, unable to process anything they were saying because they were all talking at the same time. It was very overwhelming for the slider, he was expected to listen and answer- but he couldnt! He also couldn't explain why he couldn't, because he didn't know if his brothers wanted to hear that. He didnt know if he could even speak right now, he guesses he could try- but thats scary and-

And little leo getting overwhelmed was not a fun time. They really, really - thats two reallys - didnt want leo to throw a tantrum or have a meltdown.

Leo pulled his hands over his tympana, letting distressed chirps rumble in his throat.

"oh fuuuu...dge? sorry leo, we forgot the one at a time talking rule" mikey said more quietly, correcting himself when he saw a stinkeye from raph and splinter.

Leo didnt respond, sliding his feet on the bottom of the bathtub back and forth, pressing his hands against his head tighter. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

"blue stop it, you will put water everwhere" splinter scolds, not wanting to have to clean the bathroom as well.

Leo stops moving his feet, curling in on himself as more childlike whines build in his throat.

Raph immediately grabbs a snapper sized towel, scooping leo out of the bath and wrapping it around him so he wouldnt wet anything. Mikey took the edges of the towel and pat his stripey head and arms dry, watching as the sniffling little kept his eyes closed even when scooped up.

"mikey move his hands away" donnie murmured, and mikey complied. Leo tried to pull his hands out of his brothers grip, squirming in raphs arms and shaking the now wet towel off of him onto the floor.

"nardo- hold still, here" donnie took his goggles off his head. They double as noise cancelling headphones to block out background noise, making it a lot easier to concentrate on one thing hes focused on. They play music as well, donnie was quite proud of them.

Leo stopped squirming and opened his eyes wide with surprise, looking downwards as he gently pulled his hands up to his head when mikey let them go. He felt the googles and immediately looked at his twin, holding out grabby hands as he made a humming noise.

Donnie rolled his eyes and took his twin from raphs arms, letting the slider wrap around him like a koala.

"you're cold, we should get you dressed before you get sick aga-" donnie was cut off by a sneeze and sniffle.

"again. for fu-"

"donnie! children present!" raph scolded, quickly putting a stop to the string of profanity that was about to come out of donnies mouth.

Donnie sighed, very dramatically, leaving the bathroom to head for leos bedroom. He took one look at his twins still demolished room and immediately turned in the opposite direction to head for his own.

No way was he dealing with that mess right now. If he had to he thinks he'd have a breakdown.

They made it to donnies room and the softshell had to peel leo off of him and place him on the bed in a mix of blankets.

"beebee?" leo mumbled confusedly, and donnie felt a weird sense of deja vu from when they were small.

Leo had trouble with speaking, obviously, but with also certain sounds as well - unlike donnie. Things like th sounds and his t's, d's and r's. So when they were young, and leo tried to say dee dee or something similar, it came out a b instead of a d.

"yea nardo im not going anywhere, just getting your dum dum self a hoodie." donnie explained, flashing the little a reassuring smile he couldnt help but have on his face. He didnt like kids, he didnt understand them. But leo was his twin brother and he wasnt snotty nosed or stupid so- donnie could handle it. He was cute and innocent, how could he turn him away?

"you are bum bum!" leo retorted, getting all grumpy and pouty.

The softshell rolled his eyes fondly, grabbing out a signature purple hoodie annd pulling it over leos head.

"hey little brothers, all good in here?" raph asked, walking in with mikey on his shoulders.

The box turtle jumped off his big brothers shoulders, landing on donnies bed next to leo.

"hi lee" he smiled brightly, heart melting when his brother smiled back and wrapped his arms around his orange brother.

"hi mimi!" leo responded, nuzzling into his brother and enjoying being held.

Having his brothers around was temporarily distracting him from the previous events - which is his brothers goal, to distract the little for now so they could make sure he wasnt hurt and had everything he needed. He was already a little late for snack time.

Mikey clung to leo just as happily, always being open to leos affections. They were always both as clingly as the other, so when big brother raph got sick of being piled on by children and when donnie got sick of his twins purposely annoying voice and phsycial taunts, the two clung to eachother.

"alright little brothers, its snack time. you still wanna pineapple and mango smoothie leo?" raph asked, scooping up his little brother and holding him close.

Pinapple and mango smoothies were one of leos safefoods, and also a daily snack food in the schedule they created. The other snack foods consisted of smoothies, popcorn, fruit salad, chocolate covered banana (because leo had a massive sweet tooth when it came to chocolate and chocolate alone), fairy bread, cookies and milk and a few more things for variety and a balanced diet. Leo really liked fairy bread and forced them to put it on the list, despite the fact it was literally just sugar on carbs. When he was younger he used to call it unicorn bread because of how colourful it was. It might be unhealthy, but it was a comfort food. They couldnt deny leo of it, because he would have refused to do the meal planning altogether.

"napple-napple!" he tried to say pineapple, but little leo struggled to pronounce single syllable words sometimes, let alone three.

"raphala, by how long did leo miss snack time?" donnie asked.

"it doesnt matter, we'll go get leo a smoothie now" raph said with a big smile, patting the twin on his head. Donnie swatted away raphs hand and glared at him.

"thats not what i asked though- by how long did we miss leos snack time? i can figure out myself but it would be so much easier if you just told me because there was a schedule and we need to follow it. you know him big would agree and-" donnie countered, sounding slightly desperate slightly annoyed.

"we only missed it by... twenty three minutes? i think. you know raph doesn't do math" he said simply, offering an apologetic smile for the answer he gave prior.

"twenty two, yes that is correct, because... yes thats correct. alright, it is now time for snacky snacks, nardo" donnie said, waving his fingers at leo in raphs arms.

The snapper looked at his brother worriedly, big brother senses tingling. Mikey had noticed the look of worry, snatching leo from raph and placing him in a piggy back position so he could carry the taller.

"ill go do snack time with leo, i do not want you in my kitchen- no offence raph. you two have fun!" mikey said quickly before stomping dramatically out of the room to make leo giggle.

Donnie didnt turn to raph, or even acknowledge his brothers had left. He was standing there muttering to himself as his typed on his tech.

"donnie-" raph started, but was cut off by donnie walking in the direction of his lab - away from raph!

"what are you doing?" raph asked, confused and worried for his stressed out little brother.

"raph im busy-"

"no, no you're not. whats goin on in donnies big brain? talk to raph" the snapper said softly, grabbing donnies hand gently.

"its just- just... argh this never gets easier to explain" donnie mutters, pulling his hand out of raphs and tapping his finger rhythmically. Raph immediatly understood even with the softshells struggle to express his feelings.

"how about you go lay in your bed with your weighted blanket and tablet and watch lego masters until dinner. raph'll go get your goggles from leo and get 'im his headphones from his room. kay?" raph said gently, giving donnie the mum look when he went to argue.

"fine" he mumbled bitterly, stomping off to his room.

Raph went to leos room to grab his headphones, them made his way to the kitchen. Leo was sitting on the bench next to the fridge sipping his smoothie through a straw. Raph was trying to figure out where mikey fished out their childhood plastic cups from, but didnt question it when he remembered leo would probably end up smashing a glass. Leo himself was happy enough that he wasnt in a chair and that mukey was for once letting him sit on the kitchen bench. The slider could never sit in regular positions, like literally couldnt. Raph didnt understand it. He happily handed over donnies goggles in favour for his dark blue headphones, chirping happily at the familiarity.

The snapper then turned back in the opposite direction, finding donnie in his bed under his black weighted blanket with one of his dark purple hoodies on. He was laying on his side, battle shell discarded in its respective area in the spotless room.

The twins rooms were complete opposites.

Raph handed donnie his headphones, smiling triumphantly when his little brother took them and put them on, muttering a small thanks and going back to his tablet.

Then he heard a small bang, followed by crying.

"what happened?!" raph yelled, racing to the kitchen where the other two were last.

"its okay raph, leo just accidentally hit his hand and they're still a bit sore" Raph let out a sigh of relief, slumping and trying to calm his nerves.

Where the hell did splinter go?

Mikey looked at his big brother with a sympathetic smile, walking over to the snapper and giving him a big hug.

"we're okay raph. right now, we're here and we're okay" mikey assured, rubbing circles into the side of raphs face with his thumb.

"but-"

"no buts. im okay, donnies okay and yes contrary to popular belief leo is as we speak okay. and its okay if you're not, but if you're stressing because you think you need to make us all feel okay, well you dont. we're okay, you're a good big brother and you make everything okay by just being here" mikey interrupted, flicking raphs forehead and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"thanks mike" raph smiled gently, giving mikey a wobbly smile.

"no problem raphie. now go relax for a bit, im feeling energetic and ill play with leo until dinner okay? dont argue with me raphael" the snapper put his hands up in surrender, retreating out of the kitchen to his bedroom after giving leo a squeeze.

"okay lee, whatcha wanna do?"

"colour!"

"alright then, lets go colour!"

- sometime later -

Leo soon got bored of colouring, deciding to watch lego ninjago instead. The slider liked lego ninjago okay, sue him!

Mikey had mostly let him watch quietly, he was feeling bigger again and his mind had time to wander to previous events.

How did he even manage to forget that, dont get him wrong he doesnt want to remember it, but like. What the fuck dude.

"hey leo im gonna go ring and order pizza from huesos real quick" mikey says as he pulls out his phone.

Mikey doing something made leo remember how fucking badly he needed to pee. How did he forget he needed to take worst most massive piss of his fucking life? Wait, donnie explained this one time. AuDHD thing. Urge incontinence. Forgetting to do things like eating, showering, and going to the bathroom. Forgetting to tend to your basic human needs. Poor working memory, hyperfocus, and time blindness. Which is basically the story of leos daily life.

Mentally unstable? Yes. Currently on the verge of total just... lets call it s depressive episode? Absolutely. But right now leo needed to pee really fucking badly so that is the only thing thats important.

"alright, im going to piss" leo replied blankly, standing up and ignoring the ache of his body.

"wait- big again?" mikey had to do a double take, thinking leo was still in a little space.

"yea" he confirmed, walking away to the bathroom before the younger could say any more.

Mikey was going to want to know who those yokai were, as well as why leo had such a fucked up reaction. And as thrilling it would be to talk through it and relive that, it wouldn't be fun. Leo already felt awful. So awful he couldnt even bring himself to make some fucked up joke about it. He just felt plain awful.

It wasnt even that serious, they were just messing around you know? Friend stuff. Leo really overreacted, but that doesnt mean he didnt feel horrible.

Wow leo just pissed and was washing his hands, how the fuck did he do that already.

He walked back out of the bathroom to see mikey hanging up the phone and turning to leo.

"i just ordered pizza, we can go get it in like twenty minutes. we're gonna talk first though alright? sit down" mikey said. Doctor feelings was out, this was going to suck.

Leo complied without a word, he was too tired. How is he even still here at this point.

"who were those guys?" mikey asked gently.

"jacob and nate" leo mumbled. Mikey watched quizzically.

"alright, you clearly had a bad reaction to seeing them. could you tell me what happened between you guys? did they hurt you in some way?" mikey was terrified these were the guys that had raped leo, but secretly hoping they were because he had them locked up. He could fucking kill them, slowly.

"i..." leo started, he didnt know what to say.

"take your time, explain what happened however you're comfortable with" mikey said gently. He didnt want to tell his little brother these things, but no one else was around and he really just needed to verbalise it. To tell someone because na reaction from a breathing living organism with a nervous system means that it was real.

Mikey seemed to notice how he was struggling to speak, so he pulled out his phone.

"if its too hard to say, type it down in my notes and ill read it. that way its easier for you to open up to donnie and raph about it as well" mikey offered warmly, smiling supportively when leo took the phone and began typing.

- what leo wrote -

i was at a club. with a few friends. and jacob came up behind me and hugged me, and that was fine because i dont know we knew eachother enough i guess. but then he didnt let go, and he thought it'd be funny or something to interlock out arms so i couldnt move and pull himself against me. i didnt like it, and at first i was just like haha what are you doing you weirdo what the fuck, but then he started humping me and moaning in my ear and i just freaked. he wouldnt let me go. i even screamed rape a few times to try and catch someones attention, i didnt even mean to it just came out. i got free and ran over to our friends and went please hes doing this shit dont let him near me and they all laughed and ignored it. he started doing it again, chasing me around for a while and grabbing me. i kind of sceamed and cried at the top of my lungs, things like "please stay away from me, please stop, please no just stop it, please protect me hes..." and he just kept doing it. you know as a kid, being a girl and all, i always thought if a strange man grabbed me or tried to hurt me id just stomp on his foot really hard and elbow him in the stomach to run away. i felt that unsafe with one of my friends that i had to do that. and it didnt work. he did stop eventually, and then i had a few coughing fits because of how much i was screaming and crying.

- leos text note over -

He handed the phone to his brother to read, watching his face anxiously. The box turtle finished reading and placed his phone down, looking up to his brother with the saddest look.

"lee... im so sorry" was all he said, opening his arms for a hug.

Leo just fell into his little brothers arms softly, shuddering as tears fell. Mikey rubbed his carapace soothingly, rocking them back and forth.

"i-i need he-lp" leo sobbed out quietly, the only other sound being mikeys soothing hums

"im sorry, this is s-so stupid-"

"shhh its not stupid, i promise. you're so brave for telling me, thank you for that. i know how hard that must have been. why didnt you tell us about this earlier?" mikey soothed gently.

He was trying to keep himself from crying as well, not wanting to distress the slider further and make him hide his feelings away.

"didnt remember till i saw them" leo mumbled through tears, questioning how much longer he could cry for before his eyes would run dry.

"that sounds like dissociative amnesia. your brain can suppress memories as a protective mechanism to prevent the retrieval of painful emotions associated with a traumatic event. and memory loss can happen as a byproduct of repeated situations like child abuse or domestic violence, which lee you are a victim of" leo just turned his head into mikeys shoulder, sniffing harshly.

Mikey sighed, he couldnt say or do anything to make leo feel better. He knew that. The slider just needed this right now, to talk and sit.

"want me to go get the others?" he asked gently, earning a shake of leos head.

"no, they're resting" leo muttered softly, lifting himself out of mikeys arms and wiping his face.

"its okay, i just... needed to tell someone. i dont wanna talk about it anymore right now" he explained, offering mikey a small smile in hopes he'd understand.

Mikey watched him for a moment, contemplating before smiling and nodding. He couldnt push leo to talk about it, and he didnt have to right now if he didnt want to. He literally just had the shittiest traumatic occurrence and go so stressed he regresssed and accidentally portalled. He hasnt accidentally portalled because of his emotions in like- forever! (that his brothers knew of)

"pizza should be ready, you wanna come with? you havent seen hueso in a while" leo knows mikey is suggesting he should go see hueso, but he really couldnt be bothered to leave the lair right now.

"no, im kinda tired and dont wanna go out. im gonna actually clean my room up a bit while you're out so i can sleep in it tonight" leo said, standing up and stretching his arms above his head, listening to the satifying pops and cracks his shoulders and back made.

Mikey lokked skeptical, but willing.

"yea okay, i wont be gone long, and raph and dee are here if you need anything. try not to hurt your hands okay? ill be back soon" mikey said, looking at the time and giving leo a squeeze before running out towards the entrance of the lair.

Leo sighed, now he was alone. Mostly alone, his big brothers were in their rooms he assumed.

Leo decided to check, because not knowing made him weirdly anxious and sick and he hated it.

He stopped by donnies room first. The softshell was curled up on his side beside his flat tablet, fast asleep. Leo rolled his eyes at his i-pad kid of a twin and plugged the tablet into the charging port.

He then left for raphs room, who was also sleeping under a pile of stuffed animals. Normally leo wouldve stiffled a laugh and taken a few pics, but he just cracked a small, fond smile and backed out of the room.

The smile faded as quickly as it came.

He made it to his room, if you could even call it that.

Well, he guessed it was time to clean... somehow.

Chapter Text

"hi senior! im here to pick up our pizza" mikey beamed, walking through the doors and immediately being met with the skeleton yokai.

"i will have someone bring them out to you pepinillo. i dont mean to sound rude, but where is leonardo?" he asked worriedly. He hadnt seen his kappa nephew since that night, and hadnt talked to him since those text messages he had sent.

"oh leos at home, he was tired and didnt want to leave the lair. but he always wants any excuse to come see you, so i think hes just scared of what you'll say" mikey explains, pausing for a brief moment to thank the worker who brought him his food.

"yes, i havent spoken to him since these messages" hueso said, taking out his phone and showing the younger his text messages with leonardo.

Mikey just sighed and shook his head.

"yea, thats my brother. you should've seen what he sent april, she was mad" mikey muttered, knowing all too well the type of shit that can come out of leos mouth.

"so pepino is okay, sí?" hueso asked again. Mikey looked at him and smiled sadly.

"hes... i wouldnt say okay, you know how he tried to uh... commit suicide... but theres lots of other things that we dont know about. hes got a lot of issues, and doesnt really like to talk about them. but right now hes safe at home" mikey said softly, suddenly feeling off about leaving leo at home. Raph and donnie were resting, and leo wouldn't go to anyone if he needed anything... what if he just leaves and gets himself into trouble?

"i see. you should head home, and please tell pepino to come down soon. im not mad at him, or whatever he believes. i just want to see him" hueso replied, opening his arms for mikey to run into them.

"thanks senior, im really glad he has you. he doesnt get along with dad or barry" he mumbles, pulling away and waving goodbye.

The skeleton yokai sighs when mikey leaves, putting his skull in his hands.

"send me into an early grave why dont you, tortuga estúpido" he muttered, heading back to work.

-

Leo really didnt want to fucking clean his room, but he knew he had to.

Somehow right now felt like the perfect time to do it. And when it FEELS like the perfect time, you dont mess with that.

So right now leo was seated on his floor, sorting through the clothing that survived his tantrum.

His door was shut, but he could hear talking. Mikey must be back and woken his brothers up from their nap.

He didnt pay them any more thought, he was doing something and needed to finish it now that he had that weird motivation to start it.

He was so tired... kind of hasnt slept for the past three days sure, but thats totally irrelevant. He had a weird lets do things mood right now and he needed to clean his room, its a literal danger hazard and raph wont let him in there until its cleaned by someone.

No way is he letting anyone go through and clean his room.

He had finally sorted all the clothes into folded piles, now to just hang up the jackets, nice shirts and and nice pants, and then put the other things in his little chest of draws in his nightstand that was right next to his bed.

Granted his nightstand was tipped over on its side... but it was still there.

He couldnt sit on his bed, there were ripped up blanket pieces with dried blood on them. As far as he could tell there wasnt any blood on the actual mattress, thank god because that would've been a pain in the ass to deal with. He would've just ignored it if hes being completely honest.

"leo, pizzas here. come out and eat" he heard through the door.

He heard it, it was one of his brothers. He was busy though, and only semi paying attention... which lead to him forgetting to reply and his brother entering the room worriedly.

"leo?" raph asked curiously, relief flooding through when he saw the slider perfectly fine in his room.

"hi" he replied back absent-mindedly, too focused on what he was doing.

If he kept going, he could be finished soon. Music would probably make this more enjoyable, but he didnt want to stop and he was actually having a perfectly fine time without it.

Leo loved reorganising things, its great. He does it with the med-bay atleast once a month when it gets too cluttered because hes in there doing stuff so often. Or he'll do it when hes anxious; noticing one thing out of place will set him into a reorganising catastrophe.

He gets hyperfixated on a new illness or disease he found and then tries to create it- Maybe he shouldn't do that with such a weak immune system... oh well.

"its time for dinner, and while raphs glad you're cleanin your room, you've gotta come eat" he said with furrowed brows, watching as leo continued with his task, not even turning to acknowledge that raph was speaking.

"leo? are you ignoring me?" raph asked after a moment of silence.

The slider did hear his big brother, but he kind of forgot to reply... again... but he wasnt ignoring him, he swears!

In his head he replied, he heard what he said and was like yea okay cool- he just didnt express that verbally... oops?

"huh? no, sorry, i did hear you. i kind of forgot i have to reply because thats how a conversation works" leo assured, still not turning to look at raph.

Sometimes it was so much easier for him to concentrate on what people were saying when he wasnt looking at their face. He had no idea why, but he spent all his time trying to read their facial expressions while simultaneously controlling his own that he didnt process what they were saying. And eye contact made him feel weird sometimes.

"you- right. just come for dinner please?" raph sighed, not even bothered to deal with whatever was going on right now. He didnt understand, and he really didnt need to.

"yea ill be out in a minute" leo mumbled, picking up his night stand and tipping it up right.

Raph left, leaving the door open and walking back to the kitchen.

Ten minutes when by, and leo was almost done picking up all the broken pieces of action figures so he could then put the unbroken ones back on shelves and stuff when his clothes were away and draws put back.

"nardo, you said you would be out. dinner is here, it is time to eat" donnie announced while standing in the doorway.

"don ton im doing something, can dinner wait?" the slider asked, finally getting frusterated about being spoken to while busy. He threw the shirt he was holding against the wall, turning his body around to look up to his twin from his position on the floor.

"we set up a schedule, and now its time for your third meal. michael got pizza from run of the mill" the softshell replied, stepping more into the room and taking a glance around.

"but tello im already doing this and i need to finish organising my room!" leo whined frustratedly, hoping donnie would understand.

Donnie wanted to argue, they had set up a schedule for leo to eat only just today and he was already out of time with it, but then again it would be easier to just start fresh tomorrow... leo wasnt going to give this up.

Once leo was organising, you needed to let him go. Sure for the next couple days he might unorganise and reorganise absolutely everything he could or wanted to, but you needed to let him. Otherwise he would have a meltdown. He probably hadnt realised that sometimes he used it as a coping strategy.

But theres only so many hours you van spend organising before your brothers make you stop.

It wasnt even donnies schedule- it was leos, but the softshell desperately wanted him to follow it. He just had to remember that his twin took a little while to get used to certain routines, and once he was in them he needed to stay in them.

But he wasnt in it yet, that was the annoyingly hard part.

Donnie sighed, shaking his head.

"fine, fine. ill compromise. if you agree to eat in here while i am here making sure said food is consumed, you may continue organising" donnie suggested, rolling his eyes and leaving for the kitchen when leo nodded his head quickly and went back to his clothing piles.

"wheres leo?" mikey asked curiously as donnie walked back into the kitchen alone. He couldnt help but worry anytime the three were together without leo at the moment.

"i am going to take our pizza and eat in there with him to make sure he eats properly. raph you didnt tell us he was organising, you said cleaning and for nardo there is a big difference. you wont get him out of that room until he is done" donnie explained, picking up his and leos pizza, which was just a simple cheese as they werent sure what the twins would want.

Leo loved pineapple, but contrary to popular belief he really didnt like it on pizza. He didnt like how it was warm, not as juicy... it was weird and wrong and he just couldnt bring himself to say he liked it- even if when eating it, it really wasnt that bad.

It was also the texture, he hated the texture. Eating pizza and then all the suddenly chewing on something squishy and warm, the skin of it bursting luke warm juice in your mouth of something that he would usually eat cold.

Not fun. Not cool.

"oh... yea that makes sense. sorry, raph should've realised when leo was forgetting to reply to me while doin stuff" the snapper admitted, embarrassed and thinking of all the times hes caught leo reorganising the med bay or his bedroom- or even the living room in the middle of the night and not being able to get him to stop.

It was like one of his or mikeys hyperactivity attacks. He was restless and fidgeting but not overtalking because he was too focused. Mikey explained it was like leos neurodivergent brain trying to figure out a way to get his anxiety out of his body as quickly as possible.

Donnie then headed back to leos room to see him absent-mindedly putting clothing into the draws of his night stand.

The softshell took a seat on the floor, making sure it was clear and there was no chance of him touching anything.

"here nardo, eat" donnie ordered.

Leo stopped what he was doing and glanced down at the pizza, grabbing a slice and eating silently. He stared at the wall, zoning out and eating slowly.

Donnie watched him closely, worried. His twin was anxiety organising and silent. The circumstance was common enough, but they were always worried anytime it came about.

"nardo?" the softshell asked softly, staring as leo stared at his pizza while eating it.

"yea?" he replied back, still not looking towards his twin.

Now donnie wasnt the mental health guy, he wasnt even an emotions guys heck, but he knew a few things from mikey. He wasnt the most clueless on disorders and things like that, that was raph.

"are you alright?" he asked worriedly, inching closer to his twin. Leo replied with a small 'yea', but then shook his head softly and looked up to his purple coded brother.

"wait, what did you say? i forgot to listen" donnie wasnt the best at reading tone, but he knew his twin. If someone asked if there was anything he could guarantee he knew, it wouldnt be science (it might be science), it would be his twin leonardo.

So instead of getting angry, like raph would have and how his initial reaction was because he thought leo was just ignoring him, he grew worried.

But leo wasnt ignoring him, he could tell. He didnt have that arrogant tone in his voice that made donnie want to scream. And he didnt have that annoyingly smug smirk that made donnie want to punch him.

"i asked if you were alright, you're very spaced out and 'forgetting' basic social communication etiquette" donnie explained, eyebrows furrowed as he felt leos forehead for a temperature.

The sliders body temperature felt as it always did, warm but not as warm as his brothers. It was worrying when his skin was cold, they were turtles. It was dangerous.

No what was concerning was the fact that leo let donnie check his temperature without a fuss, no comment or trying to move away. He just let him.

"yea im okay, i dunno whats wrong" leo replied, smiling sweetly and taking the last bite of his pizza slice. He watched the subtle stink eye donnie gave him when he didnt grab another piece, so he quickly picked another up and took a small bite of out it.

"are you dissociating?" leo thought for a moment, that would make a lot of sense. Yea that actually fits how he feels right now. Why didnt he think of that or realise?

Probably because hes dissociated. Duh.

"yea, a little" he admitted, still smiling simply. He felt all funny and fuzzy, but it wasnt like... bad? He wasnt sad, organising was distracting him from the whole mess going on in his head.

Donnie immediately throught of ways to ground his twin, leo shouldnt be feeling disconnected. It was concerning.

"lets try some grounding techniques" donnie insisted, moving infront of his twin and inching at him to finish the slice of pizza.

"mm mm, i feel fine. im just gonna sit here for a bit, then ill go back to organising" leo said softly, rubbing circles into his palm with his thumb.

The fuzzy feeling was... comforting. And him dissociating wasnt hurting anyone, was it? It was fine, he was fine. This is how he feels when he drinks alcohol. Man he wanted alcohol right now...

"nardo, dissociation isnt relatively bad, but everything must be in moderation. this has been a very common thing, and you might have some form of dissociative disorder. and it would be best to ground you" donnie explained, taking leos hands and playing with his fingers.

"yea, okay. do whatever i dont mind" leo replied quietly, watching donnie wiggle his fingers back and forth.

"could i help you finish your room?" the softshell asked, analysing the slider.

"oh yea my room, i forgot that i was doing that. you could help by not touching anything" leo said, suddenly standing up and stretching his shoulders while yawning.

"are you tired?" donnie asked sceptically, raising an eyebrow when leo shook his head.

"not really, whats with all the questions? could you put a pin in them?" leo asked rhetorically, begining to put his clothes back in his draws before hanging the others on racks.

"you know what, im just worried nardo, we all are. you tried to kill yourself, recently, remember? or have you forgotten the numerous breakdowns and episodes you've had recently" donnie snapped back, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Leo didnt pay him any mind, continuing to hang up clothes.

"you know what, i did forget about it for a minute there. thanks for the reminder i almost forgot what a failure i am," donnie went to speak, to explain that wasnt how he meant it and it came out completely wrong, when leo continued.

"and another thing, my dear twin. thanks for the pizza and fuck you get the fuck out of my room" he ordered casually, not even sparing his twin a glance as he stood surprised.

"nardo-"

"i said get out. I've eaten, and i dont feel the fuzzy absent feeling anymore. youve done your charity work for the night now leave me alone" Leo finally turned to look at donnie, a cold blank look on his face.

The softshell didnt want to leave, he wanted to sit here and scream at his fucking dum dum twin to stop being such an asshole and just let them help!

But he didnt want to start a fight, or... continue a fight should he say.

So he nodded lightly, turning his back to his brother and walking out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

Leo didnt feel like organising anymore, he didnt even want to clean. He didnt care that a couple blankets were ripped up and slightly tainted with dried blood and dirt, but he still pushed the dirty ripped fabric off his bed and onto the floor.

He felt like destroying his room all over again.

Leo couldn't help the tears that formed in his eyes and immediatly flowed down his cheeks. He sniffled, curling up in a ball on his side in his bed.

Images of the wolf yokai flash through his mind. He whines and curls in on himself more, covering his tympana with his hands to try and stopped the ringing lf music that isnt playing and the laughing of people who arent there.

He tried to curls his arms infront of him more, trying to stay away from his touch. He cant be touched stop touching please-

His heart hurt, he could barely breathe.

Why is he still alive? It hurts.

-

"donnie whats wrong?" mikey immediatly asked when the softshell walked into the living area.

The scientist looked to his warm colour coded brothers, knowing he wasnt getting out of this and taking a seat on the couch.

"nardo kicked me out of his room while i was trying to help" he muttered, avoiding eye-contact and picking at his nails.

"why would he do that?" raph asked worriedly, confused and concerned. The twins rarely faught over important long term things, but when they did it was a chore trying to keep them from fighting more.

"i said something, and it must have been a dumb thing to say but we all just want to help. he keeps saying hes not tired, hes not hungry, hes fine and he doesnt want help it- hes so annoying!" donnie complains frusteratedly, shaking his head when raph offered a hug.

"hes not used to having help and opening up dee, he wont just let us do everything that quickly. you said he was organising right? you know how he is when someone gets into his bubble. its like you when you're in your lab doing something important. you let leo in because its a big space and he agrees to just watch and not talk or anything. " donnie groaned, he knew where this was going already. And he knew leo getting mad was kinda his fault.

"now imagine how you've felt all the times where you've been doing something important to you, maybe anxiety related or its just a apart of a routine, and leo comes in and tries to help you when he doesnt know how, or asks a million questions. and im not talking about science rants and letting him ask questions im talking about no talking times because you're focusing. do you think thats how you made leo feel?" donnie sighs and nodds his head.

"i just want to be able to help. i hate seeing my dum dum twin so... not annoying and insufferable. i... i miss his stupid jokes and hero quips" donnie says softly, and this time he let raph put both him and mikey into a hug.

"we all do don. just gotta be patient" raph reassures, smiling hopefully.

"guys that reminds me, you need to read this. leo wrote it for me earlier about what happened with those wolf yokai"

"fuck..."

"leo..."

Chapter Text

His life was a weird cycle.

Well, he wouldnt say weird. He'd possibly find a synonym for it.

Did you know queer is a synonym for weird? Funny how that works.

Now he had been in his bed for hours, unable to sleep yet again.

Whats this, fourth night in a row? He had lost count, not that he was ever counting to begin with but hey whos keeping track of that either.

He can barely keep track of what he does- or see's. He cant tell if its real of his head playing tricks on him.

Donnie had killed his cleaning mojo, but atleast he got mostly through his room before that happened?

Yea, no. That thought didnt even cross his mind. You think he really cares about that? No.

He was pathetic. Pathetic and sad. Maybe a little insane.

He was honestly comfortable in that state, he didnt really know why. He really didnt care why.

He did care, he just told himself he didnt because it was easier to pretend not to care and say everything was fine, rather than to live in the unknown.

The uncanny, the thing humans truly fear is the unknown.

Sometimes he felt he was getting better, which it all turned out to be wrong, but thats besides the point. Sometimes he felt he might actually be doing better, and then he'd have more of a down day, which okay thats fine everyone has down days but leos everyday was a down day- not the point. In the afternoon something small would happen, something thst just set him off like a ticking time bomb.

He'd shut down and go to sleep crying, or not go to sleep, or cry a little then go to sleep really early-

Basically he'd cry.

And thats how he felt right now.

He didnt wanna talk.

Or see anyone and anything, hence the closed eyes.

Or do anything.

Or smile, frown, look at anyone.

Didnt wanna eat, especially infront of someone.

If he ate, he'd throw up. The maybe eat some more, but definetly throw up again. His chest would always burn afterwards.

He hated that he wanted the feeling.

He wanted to sleep, but didnt want to have nightmares. So that was a no go.

Drinking water makes you need to pee, he didnt want to get out of bed.

He guesses he could get out of bed, but he already said in his head that he wasnt going to drink water so he wasnt going to either way.

Funny thats how his brain works huh.

He likes to describe things as funny when they're not, or when he doesnt find them funny. Its just an appropriate way to describe something, he couldnt explain why he was right but he is, right.

He was just so miserable. His heart literally ached, all he wanted to do was cry.

What, was it fucking hormones or something? Was the estrogen fucking with him? Because holy shit.

No, theres no way this is just hormones. Still sucks that hes not allowed to start T till hes atleast sixteen.

Maybe he was clinically insane. He should ask mikey to do a test or something.

He was so unbelievably just... and now donnie was probably mad? Leo was just genuinely the shittiest brother, or just person, in the entire world. What he said was such an asshole move.

He could never bring himself to be mad at his twin, or anyone in his life for that matter. He loved them too much, it genuinely wasnt possible for him unless he was angry. Unless he was so incredbly angry and didnt care.

He couldnt explain it.

All he knew was that its his fault, hes the shitty brother, shitty son, shitty person shitty friend shitty-

Hes just. Shitty.

He really doesnt know what to tell you, he doesnt even know what to tell himself.

There was a knock at his door, and leo couldnt help but want to cry. He quickly reached for his headphones, pulling them over his head. He didnt worry about music, he didnt need it.

He just needed the muffled silence.

He could only just hear when his door opened, unable to see as he kept his eyes closed.

It was definetly raph, his big self always shifted the weight in the train car. No one had seemed to notice that except leo.

"hey buddy, you awake?" the snapper asked quietly. Leo involuntarily let out little clicks, indicating to raph that he was indeed awake.

He walked further into the room, and leo doesnt know why but he couldnt bring himself to communicate with his family right now, not even through signs or hand squeezes.

"your room looks heaps better" the older says nervously, worried and not knowing what to do.

When leo ignores him again, he sighs and continues.

"donnies just worried about'ya leo, we all are. its kinda hard not to be when-"

"when i do stupid shit like trying to kill myself. i know, i remember. i wish everyone would shut up about it" leo couldnt help but snap.

He was so sick of everyone reminding him of his most recent fucking failure.

This time it was raph who grew frustrated, but he tried to keep his cool. His baby brother tried to kill himself, he cant sit here and scream at him or get mad at him. It doesnt help anything. They're all trying to remember that.

"i know it must be frustrating, but leo you dont even regret it. why would we just let something like that go? not to mention all the other stuff you've been doin. we could never..." raph took a deep breath through his nose, calming himself from the growing urge to grab leos pouty angry face and shake him up and down.

"we would never get over it if you did it again and actually died leo. so stop being a jerk and let us help" he finishes.

It only makes leo angrier, more frustrated because why is he sitting here being lectured why the fuck is he not just dead-

"maybe i will do it again, and i hope i die this time" pours out of his mouth before he can stop it.

He takes a glance at raphs face and knows he regrets it.

But hes pushing that feeling down because he cant handle the self-deprecating guilt right now, hes already gone through enough self-hatred earlier over his twin.

"you-" raph has to calm himself, because hes so worried and angry at himself for letting his brother feel like this but he doesnt want to accidentally take it out on him.

He knows he shouldnt leave leo alone now, definetly after hearing that come out of his mouth. Thats just a disaster waiting to happen. But he cant sit here any longer or he was going to scream, so he left quickly, not wanting to lash out at the slider.

Leo watches him leave, honestly wanting nothing more than to just be held but he just... cant bring himself to accept his brothers love. Hes not- USED to it being like this.

Leo is supposed to be fine.

Mikey will be in here next, and he doesnt want a doctor delicate touch lecture that will be followed by a visit from doctor feelings.

He could just leave, he doesnt know where he'd go but anywhere was better than here. If talking to mikey ended badly they might get splinter, and leo really couldnt take that right now. He was so astronomically done he could almost sit here and laugh about it.

Then he remembered what april told him last time she was here, that if he ever needed a break or someone to talk to he could go to her.

He shot her a quick text, asking if her and her parents were home. She replied almost immediatly, saying that she was home and her parents were on a business trip again. He didnt read the rest, shoving his phone in his pocket and creating a portal right into aprils living room.

"oh hey leo, when you were asking if i was home i didnt expect you to portal in here so quick" april said with a smile. She was sitting on her couch, watching a movie while cuddle up with sunita.

He quickly felt another wave of guilt and anxiety swish around in his stomach. He didnt want to intrude, he just couldnt handle another stupid half assed argument with his brothers.

He saw a shadowy, long looking hand reach out from behind the couch, but as he tried to focus on it, it quickly disappeared.

April and sunita both noticed the sliders gaze and upset expression.

"do you want me to go?" he asked quietly, tapping his fingers on his upper plastron.

"nono baby of course not, come sit down. do you need anything?" she said quickly, and leo could tell she was being honest by the warm smile on her face and motherly tone in her voice. April didnt like lies, and she definetly wasnt a liar.

He shuffles over, sitting on the right side of her because sunita is on her left, leaning into her shoulder when she opens her arm for him to do so.

"do you need anything, or you just came to hang out. you look exhausted and sad" she said softly, rubbing smooth little circles into his stripey arms with her thumb.

"i dunno, sorry for crashing your date" he mumbles in return. The atmosphere here is so different from at home, like the air in thinner but in a good way. He doesnt feel so compressed and stuck.

"hey now, none of that" sunita interrupts, sweet as ever. Leo always liked her for his sister.

"suna is right leo. i told you, you can come to me whenever you need. how about we go to my room, i got fluffy blankets?" now, leo really didnt want to take april away from her girlfriend, but he REALLY wanted those fluffy blankets.

She noticed the confliction and anxiety eat away at her little brother, immediately standing up and pushing him towards her bedroom.

"go on, ill be in ina minute" she ordered, watching the slider walk to her room and turning back to sunita.

"im gonna see if i can get him to sleep, then ill coms back and we can finish the movie, mkay?" april promised, leaning down to give the girl a peck on the lips.

"no rush bub, hes family. let me know if i can help" sunita smiled back lovingly, watching as her girlfriend walked towards the kitchen.

April was going to make leo some peppermint tea, then she was going to make him sleep because the poor boy looked exhausted.

Once she finished the tea, she put a few ice cubes in it so it cooled to a temperature the slider could drink immediatly. Then she made a a quick peanut butter sandwich and made her way to her room.

When she walked in, she saw leo on her bed wrapped in her fluffiest blanket and rubbing his feet together like a big green cricket. She chuckled silently, walking over and catching his attention, giving him the cup and placing the plate next to him.

"i made you a sandwhich, if you're not feelin too hungry then ill eat the other half but you need something" donnie told her about leos new eating arrangements, he could tell. But the girl wasnt about to bring it up, she could tell he clearly didnt want to talk about that of all things.

"thanks, you can have the other half" he said softly, picking up his half and biting into it. April shrugged and picked up her half without hesitation, eating along with him. She wasnt going to make it a big deal, and leo was thankful.

He sipped his tea until it was gone, it calmed him down a little. He was all warm on the inside now with the blanket, feet still rubbing together gently.

April took the plate and cup, pretending not to notice leo yawning and staring off into nothing. She got up and felt through one of her shelves in her cuppboard, pulling out a pair of light pastel yellow fluffy socks that belonged to the slider. They had little oranges on them, he had left them here during their last sleepover and april had just decided to keep them for when he comes over.

He always managed to forget things at home, and then leaves them at aprils, so she had a little collection of his stuff.

Sure he could portal into his room and grab whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, but april didnt want him constantly overworking his mystic abilities. Even if he insisted he doesnt get the whole mystic power use burnout situation.

He would never admit if he actually did.

"here, you left them here" april throws the socks to him and he immediatly puts them on, churring quietly at the familar soothing feeling.

The girl smiles fondly to herself, searching her cuppboard for her moisturiser she uses specifically for leo and his sensitive green skin, going back to the bed and getting herself comfortable.

She patted her lap as she reached for her TV remote, turning it on and pressing play on jupiter jim.

Leo couldnt help but melt into the bed when he layed down and april started moisturising his skin, working her way up his stripey arms, then shoulders and up to his face.

"so how come you came here?" april asked lightly, no judgement or accusation anywhere in her tone.

"cause i was feeling kinda stuck at home. already got two outta three brothers mad at me and splinters probably mad at me too. just didnt wanna keep going with them" he explained tiredly, voice quiet and soft compared to his usual upbeat tone.

April could guess that he had fought with donnie and raph, mikey would rarely ever be mad at leo. Out of all three of them, mikey was the least likely to hold a grudge against the slider. They were adorably close, like a friendship with small children.

"did you let them know you were coming over?" she asked again, already knowing the answer and not being surprised when the slider said no. She'd had to remember to call mikey when she got this shitbag asleep.

For some unknown reason he hated to admit it, but he was glad he chose to come to april instead of running off alone. This was really nice, nicer than being at home where he was messing stuff up. Nicer than tiptoeing around his father and brothers feelings. Nicer than not wanting to be alive.

For in this moment, he didnt need to be anything. He could just... be.

He churred happily, completely relaxed while laying in his big sisters lap. She was stroking his nose gently, which was a tactic to lull him to sleep, but he didnt realise or care. It was working and he was tired.

"when was the last time you slept mister?" april asked, sweet stern motherly voice shining through. Not mad, simply concerned.

"like... four days 'go" he mumbled sleepily, snuggling into her blanket and tiger plushie more.

He couldnt remember when she gave it to him to snuggle with, but he loved it. It was his favourite out of aprils plushies, because it was a tiger unicorn and she always let him snuggle with it when he came over. They named her toraloo. No one had any idea why or how they came up with that name, but they did.

All he wanted to do was sit here with his sister and watch jupiter jim, but he was so god damn tired he could barely keep his eyes open.

"mkay, why dont you close them eyes for me now then. we can watch JJ later when you're not so tired" she cooed lightly, watching the sliders eyes droop shut for longer and longer each time as she gently dragged her finger between his eyes and down his nose.

She smiled softly when he mumbled something incoherent, letting his eyes droop shut and not open back up as his body fully relaxed and breathing evened out. Not even a minute after she had told him to close his eyes, he was gone. Out like a light.

She couldnt blame the poor kid, not sleeping for four nights with his bad mental health and stress level? She could barely function at school after an all nighter let alone walk around, portal and have energy for basic things after not sleeping for almost five days. Shes never even stayed awake for that long, she doesn't even think donnie has! No few hour naps or anything!?

"poor thing" april heard a soft voice from her doorway, looking up to see her loving girlfriend and smiling softly.

"i know" she replied with a sigh, smiling sadly as he watched her baby brother sleep. Even while unconcious he still looked so tense, but atleast he was more relaxed than when he showed up, right? A win is a win.

She caressed his head softly, placing a gentle kiss on the top of one of his gorgeous red stripes and wiggling her way out from underneath him. She made sure he was in a comfortable position, tucking him in with the fluffy blanket he clung too almost as cutely as he did with toraloo.

She snapped a quick photo before dialling mikeys number to let him know leo was with her and safe, not out and about doing God knows what.

- with the boys -

"donnie cant you track him any faster?!"

"im TRYING raph but your obnoxious hovering is making it difficult"

The boys had just realised leo was gone, missing, poof there goes Houdini but its actually not Houdini its their suicidal brother! Haha...

"i think im gonna pass out"

"what the fuck please dont??"

"raph why did you not tell me leo said something like that and then leave him by himself in his room with his swords? hello? recipie for disaster" mikey scolded.

The box turtle was worried, but he had a feeling leo was perfectly fine. After raph telling him what the slider had said about killing himself though, he couldnt help but be nervous.

Raph felt like such an idiot, of course it was stupid of him! He definetly shouldnt have left leo alone, and DEFINETLY should have told atleast mikey what leo said, because the slider was now upset with both raph and donnie, so the youngest was the most logical comfort solution!

Donnie was beyond worried, he was a bit of an ass, and he hated it. He needs to be more careful with what he says. Sometimes leo needed to hear those things, though this clearly wasnt one of those times. He didnt need both big brothers chastising him, and clearly left before he could add his little brother and possibly dad to that list.

Mikeys phone ringing snapped him out of his own thoughts, his older brothers didnt seem to notice so he just answered it while they squabbled.

"hey april! whats up?" he asked a cheerily as possibly, trying to stay calm because raph looked like he was going to throw up and pass out and donnie looked like he was going to stab raph.

"not much little man, just letting you know leos with me and hes perfectly fine. ive got him sleeping in my bed as we speak" her voice rang through the phone softly, and mikey let out a sigh of relief. A ding then came through his phone, showing a picture of his big brother he couldnt help but awh at.

"mikey what are you awhing at right now?!"

"just leo, hes with april" he said calmly. He understood why his brother left. He had been chastised and lectured in his room, which was his space, having his control taken away by two of his brothers.

God, if mikey was leo he'd run away too.

The younger just wished leo would lean on him. He's here.

By now april had hung up, not wanting to wake leo up with the screaming through the device.

"oh thank pizza supreme..."

- timeskip! -

"wheres nardo?" Donnie asked as the three walked into aprils living room, being met with their sister sitting on the couch with sunita.

"hes asleep in my bed, poor baby couldnt keep his eyes open and just wanted to watch jupiter jim. and yes, donnie, i got him to eat beforehand do not pester me" april said, making a pouty face and cooing at her brother that wasnt even present.

"nardos asleep? my twin, you are joking, right? like hes actually asleep? willingly?" donnie asked, clearly surprised that his twin was actually asleep. His brothers agreed with him, also feeling the same amount of surprise.

"i don't know why yall are so surprised, sweet thing is clearly exhausted" sunita said from her spot behind april, styling her hair for her.

"yea seriously, i know for a fact baby blue hasnt slept more than four hours in the past four DAYS. now i know he has bad insomnia but that is not healthy he cannot be doin that. insomnia is caused by stuff right? yall need to do something to help reduce the hours hes awake cause his brains gonna get all scrambled and he's gonna keep getting sick. he was lookin pale and like he was gonna vomit" april lectures, sunita nodding along as a contribution.

April had become more protective over leo since the whole shredder situation, definetly so after the kraang. She came to realise he really was just a vulnerable kid who was trying to figure out what he was supposed to do, all on his own.

"well how did you get him to sleep? almost every time we try we end up finding him awake anyways" raph asked, curious to see what big sister magic april worked.

"well he came in, he seemed super anxious you know? like regular leo anxious but not hidden behind face man leo. i asked him if he needed anything, he said he didnt know so i sat him down on the bed, got out the pair of socks he left here one time and he put them on. i made him peppermint tea because hes been liking that recently and it doesnt have caffeine in it, we sat down and we talked about some stuff, just casually. then we sat on the bed and i told him to put his head on my lap so i could moisturise his skin cause it always helps him relax, gave him a plushie to snuggle with so he was comfy and a blanket so he felt secure and i put on jupiter jim while i rubbed the moisturiser in. it wasnt that hard, but leon is anxious and his mind is always racing. its probably the cause for his insomnia, so i did the simple things so he didnt feel like he was being prodded and poked at to help him calm down and to give him something else to think about so the exhaustion would take over. and boom, sleepin slider april o'neil has done it again" it made complete sense, and it made the three turtles feel guilty.

How hadnt they noticed something as simple as leos recent tea flavour obsession? Or even think of self care relaxing him. Leos always been picky about his appearance, so of course he'd enjoy that.

No, instead of doing those things they made leo run, again. Thry left him alone, again.

Hey, atleast he went to his sisters house?

Sometimes they thought they didnt know leo as well as they thought because he hid, but it wasnt. He hid because they never paid any attention.

Leo had just been... brushed aside his whole life. They all came to the same heartbreaking conclusion, and they were not going to let that happen anymore.

But they kept promising things like that, and they didnt seem to be kept. Leo was floating away from them, in a metaphorical and literal sense. They hated it, but didnt know what to do.

"that makes sense, thanks apes" raph says solemnly, but thankful for their sister. Donnie was busy adding this data to leos file, while mikey walked off to aprils room.

He was met with the same sight in the photo he was sent earlier, his big brother with fluffy all snuggled up in a silky fluff blanket, cuddling a unicorn tiger plush that mikey recognised as aprils, the name of it slipping his mind.

April was right, leo's green skin did look a bit pale, but he was cool to the touch like usual so he didnt have a temperature. Mikey will keep an eye on him, vowing to place the information in the back of his mind for later.

The box turtle wanted to climb into the comfy bed with his big bro and snuggle all the bad thoughts and memories out of him. But he really didnt want to risk waking leo up and having him not sleep for another week, so he sat on the floor and leaned his head on the bed, watching the slider sleep silently.

Mikey's really glad leo was sleeping right now, he's read studies that say after 72 hours of no sleep, you could be classed as clinically insane. Hallucinations and such.

It made sense why leo was so angry and anxious when raph and donnie went to lecture him.

He actually never considered how his severe lack of sleep affected his emotional instability and how he struggled to regulate his mood. But even when he was sleeping, his emotions were still sprinting at you with a knife at all times, or 94% dead.

Dont ask mikey what that means, it makes sense.

He hadnt realised when he himself was falling asleep until he felt himself being carried on someones back. He opened his eyes a little to be met with the dark night sky, city lights flashing in the distance all around them.

It was donnie carrying him, they must have been going home.

"wheres leo?" mikey mumbled tiredly, half lidded eyes searching for his big brothers.

"raphs currently got him, hes perfectly fine" donnie assures, adjusting the box turtle on his back.

"i can walk- if you want" mikey mumbles again, yawning in the middle of his sentence.

"no, go back to sleep" the softshell replied simply. It sounded uninterested and uncaring to anyone who didnt know donnie, but mikey knew his big brother meant the exact opposite of that.

"kay. is leo still asleep?" he continued, nuzzling his head on donnies shoulder.

"yes, raphs carrying him extremely gently to make sure he doesnt wake up" the older informs, and the orange turtle can almost hear his eye-roll at raphs extreme take to looking after them all. He was probably feeling guilty, both of them. They set leo off, again, and while what leo said was his own responsibility and his mental health cant be used to excuse him, its a pretty valid reason and none of them can bring themselves to hate him for it.

"good, he needs the sleep" mikey hums, letting his eyes slip shut as he slowly falls back asleep now that he knows all his brothers are safe and where they're supposed to be. He can deal with the rest later, he just hopes leo sleeps through the night.

Chapter Text

Leo just had the best fucking sleep of his life.

Even though he feels a tiny like he tried to jump infront of a train, got pretty beat up, but failed and survived.

He was met with the dead empty space of his bedroom, instead of where he's pretty sure he fell asleep, aprils room. Full of colour and life and warmth why the fuck was his traincar so cold-

When he looks around to check, yep, he is indeed in his room. And his swords are nowhere in sight, which also means his brothers fucking put them somewhere again.

His brain was still fuzzy, incredibly sleepy as he lay in his nest-like bed.

He's still so tired, there's no way he's been asleep for any longer than seven hours. Usually when hes up for days, he'll then proceed to sleep for days. He'd switch from insomiac to hypersomniac. Apparently the two often went hand in hand; his body was clearly going insomniac mode lately, and it fucking. Sucked.

He loved his bed, it was his safe space. His space.

He needed his space.

Covered in warm heavy blankets and pillows on all sides of him as he lay in the middle, free to be in whatever position he wanted while still secure and warm.

He thinks he had... four? blankets on his bed at the moment. And he never wanted to crawl out of them.

His room was mostly dark, except for the light coming from his open bedroom door. Leo guessed that meant his brothers had been hovering, and he couldnt blame them. He did tell them he was going to try to kill himself again.

He wasnt entirely serious when he said that, and honestly he didnt very enthusiastically wanna kill himself, you know? Like- its just so much effort? He'll probably do it eventually when he feels like it, sure, but right now? Fat chance.

Leo reclosed his eyes, he couldnt be bothered getting up right now. His head was pouding and he was so warm.

Suddenly the light behind his eyelids dimmed, as if blocked by something. He guessed one of his brothers hovering again, seeing if he was still awake.

He heard a quiet sigh and decided to open his eyes, making eye-contact with his one and only baby brother. He watched the box turtles eyes brighten at the sight of him, walking into the room, and leo couldnt bare to turn him away.

Afterall, he was the only one who didnt hate him yet.

"hi big bro, did i wake you?" mikey asked quietly, still trying to preserve any chance of leo going back to sleep.

The slider could just tell his baby brother wanted to crawl into his bed and snuggle, either be held close or hold him close and never let go in fear he'd disappear.

Leo might’ve accidentally given all his brothers a special case separation anxiety when it came to him... oops?

"you didnt wake me, wanna join?" leo asked lightly, half lidded magenta eyes watching warm orange-like brown.

The younger wasted no time climbing into the bed and under leos several blankets, cuddling close to his big brother and resting their foreheads together with a sigh.

"are they mad at me?" leo mumbled, yawning as soon as he got the words out.

"no, just really worried. when you told raph you were gonna try and hurt yourself again, and then disappeared, they immediately thought the worst" mikey mumbled back, nuzzling his forehead into leos.

"and you?" mikey said the others thoughts the worst, what was he thinking? Did he want leo gon-

"i did too, but i just... had a feeling you needed a breather. tried not to panic when i thought raph and dee were gonna have nervous breakdowns. then april told me you were with her, and it made sense. you were feeling stuck here, werent you?" the box turtle asked softly, nothing in his voice indicated he blamed leo for any of this.

"i knew you'd be next, didn't feel like making you hate me as well to be honest. kind of tiring being an outcast in a family of outcasts" leo sighed, tone sounding sarcastic but everything he was saying was completely true. He shut his eyes, feeling too tired to keep them open.

Mikey churred lowly and reached for leos hand, holding it gently under the covers.

"none of us could ever hate you, you're our brother. and this isnt your fault, we just wish you'd let us help instead of pushing us away" mikey said softly, rubbing his thumb in little circles on leos hand.

The slider hummed in response, whats he supposed to say to that? He was too tired to think of an answer anyways.

He doesnt need their help, theres not anything wrong with him. Theres nothing to help, this is just him. Hes fine.

"we're scared we're going to lose you leo, and none of us want that" now he really didnt know how to respond. What was mikey trying to do, kick him in the heart?

It'd be a massive ouch, if he cared enough.

Losing leo wouldnt be that much of a loss in his opinion.

He felt his little brother sigh when he was only met with silence, nuzzling closer.

"go back to sleep leon" mikey said warmly, there was an underlying sadness in his tone that leo hated hearing, but all he could do at that moment was churr in response and let his fuzzy mind slowly sink back into darkness, not shade.

He loved the feeling of falling asleep, randomly feeling your muscles relax when you thought they already were. Slowly slipping out of awareness and not realising, until you do realise and register how good of a feeling it is before doing it again and actually falling asleep.

-

The next time leo woke up, it was to the soft quiet voices of his brothers. His head was in mikeys lap as he was still wrapped up in all of his blankets, and he could hear their big brothers talking.

"you guys are so loud" he mumbled sarcastically, practically being able to hear donnies eye-roll.

"morning leo!" mikey beamed, looking down at his older brother with a smile.

"morning already?" leo asked sarcastically as he opened his eyes to rest half-lidded, looking to where his older brothers were standing.

It was like, ten in the morning. Of course the slider wasnt aware of that, or how long hes been asleep for. Does it matter?

"yes leo, and i think we should talk" and then leo reclosed his eyes.

"cant you let a man die in peace" fuck this! Hes going back to sleep while his insomnia isnt messing with him.

"not funny leo" he thinks its pretty funny, thank you very much raphael.

"my life my jokes, thought you would've learnt that by now" they wanted him to pick up healthy coping mechanisms, making jokes isnt hurting anyone.

"still, dont you think its a little insensitive?" hes still funny.

"haters gonna hate" why are they being so annoying- ok. Maybe, possibly, he might be a hypocrite for saying that. But! Hes annoying with purpose, they're naturally annoying. It cancels out his annoying and makes them the only annoying ones.

"nardo-" nope hes already had to hear raphs disapproving yet guilty lecture voice, he didnt need that from his twin as well.

"shut up im sleeping" leo mumbled tiredly, relaxing his body fully and evening out his breathing to mimic sleep.

It was childish, he knew it was childish. But he couldnt help it. He wasnt ready for another dumb conversation. His bed was so warm and he was still so sleepy after not sleeping for four days, but it'd probably take another ten minutes before the darkness came back so he had time to pretend he was asleep.

"leo, could you talk to us, please?" raph asked, basically pleaded. Sounded like guilt was eating him alive.

He guesses it makes sense, he did call his little brother a jerk and then leave him alone when hes 'suicidal'.

Sounds shit in theory, sure, raph feeling guilty makes total sense even though no one would blame him if something did happen.

But! They're missing one small detail, leo isnt suicidal!

Sure, his first thought as soon as he comes across a minor inconvenience is to hurt himself or take his own life. And yea totally he can't go a day without imagining himself dying in some way, tripping off a building and his shell cracking open, slipping in training and dropping his swords and it slicing his head ope-

He's not suicidal, having himself die or be harmed is just... fascinating.

Okay, maybe he has hurt himself a lot, tried to kill himself sometimes, has almost killed himself a little tiny bit- BUT thats only because he was bored! Not because he hates himself and his life and wants nothing more than to die-

Whose he kidding. He knows hes suicidal, let him try to gaslight himself okay, it works on everyone else.

Leo was too tired to care, he really was. Usually he'd let his brothers apologise. He'd ease their guilt so everyone was happy, and then he would pretend to sleep to avoid a stupid makeshift therapy session. Thats why he lied all the time, to keep his family functioning and happy in themselves while he lived miserably.

Right now? He actually needed to sleep.

"mm hmm... 'm tire'..." leo mumbled sleepily, eyes closed as he pretended to be almost unconscious.

He heard his brothers sigh, and he took that as his chance to 'fall asleep' fully.

Raph walked closer to the bed, taking a seat on the ground. Leo guessed he was being watched, making sure to keep his face relaxed so they couldnt tell he was still awake.

He wasnt listening to a word they were saying, it didnt take him long to fall back unconcious.

"hes been asleep for like sixteen hours" raph muttered, eyes furrowing in worry.

"yea and hes apparently been awake for around ninety six" donnie said distantly, he hadnt any idea what to do or say. He turned to leave, making it to the door before the oldest called out.

"hey, where you going?" raph questioned, chasm showing as he watched the middle child turned dramatically, dragging his feet.

"to my bed, to sleep. because ive been awake all night- im sick and tired of this idiotic figurative cat and mouse chase. nardo is currently asleep, there is no point in me being here" donnie snapped, immediately walking off.

Raph dragged a tired hand down his face, resting his eyes and sighing quietly.

"did you know, that after not sleeping for seventy two hours, doctors can say someone is clinically insane because of the correlating symptoms of sleep deprivation" mikey hummed, sharing the fact in his mind thats been swirling for the past day or so.

Raph opened his eyes lazily, looking up to his baby brother with a tired but amused smile. He was used to random facts from his brothers, they'd usually come out of nowhere and have zero noticeable relation to anything happening.

"yea? where'd ya learn that" he asked quietly, being mindful of the sleeping slider right next to him

"from leo. it was one of those days where i woke up at seven and cooked breakfast before everyone was awake, and i ran into him. he just rattled off that fact and went to his room to sleep im guessing." mikey reminisced, pausing before continuing.

"he knows mental health stuff, i guess he spent so much time being the face man he learnt to understand everyone, learnt how people work. everyone but himself clearly. it probably drived him nuts and made him switch to physical health, i know it would drive me nuts. leos the reason i even found an interest in psychology to begin with. it was his thing first" that was news to raph, leo being interested in the mental aspect of health.

He just always assumed the slider picked up physical health as a hobby and became the medic because no one else could. And then mikey grew an interest in psychology and they became the doctors of the family.

Leo's been the backbone of so many good things in this family, but at what cost?

"yea? i guess leos kinda always been like that, he influences a lot of people" the eldest hummed, not really knowing how to reply.

There was a beat of silence before mikey spoke again.

"do you think he wants to be alive at all?" raph felt his breath hitch, where the heck did that come from?

"well..." he couldnt sit here and tell the youngest that his big brother wants to die, is just so mentally ill its all he wants in life. But then again, he really didnt think that was true.

"part of him definetly does, if no part of him wanted to be alive mike then i dont think he'd be here with us right now. i think he just... feels really lost sometimes. and hes not well, so his first thought is harming himself" raph tries to explain.

Honestly? He didnt have a clue what was going on in his brothers head. Hes always been able to read his baby brothers, its a big brother thing. But leos been pretending, lying, and he didnt notice. Leo can read everyone to a T and they never even stopped to think about why.

"yea, its dumb me asking, being the psychologist of the family. i think i just needed to hear someone else say it" mikey huffed out, laying back in the bed so his head rested on the wall.

"you and dee arent mad at him are you?" mikey asked quietly, voice barely above a whisper. The eldest was quick to answer this time.

"no we're not. raphs just worried and scared, i dont know what to do. donnie definetly feels the same" he assured softly, flashing mikey a warm reassuring smile.

Mikey sighed in relief, flashing his own strained but bright smile.

-

Leo woke up again, much to his dismay, to a nightmare.

This time he wasnt laying down not moving, he still has no idea why that man keeps appearing in his dreams.

No, this time leos running. Hes not even running in the club surrounded by people, the environment changes a little, but there was an open concrete path or road for him to run on. Hes not sure, its not something he was paying attention to.

What he was focused on, was the running. Now, the slider is usually an extremely fast and efficient runner, its something he has quite often prided himself on, comes in handy a lot too.

But here? He couldnt run.

Its like he couldnt get his feet to move properly.

You know how when you use a treadmill for the first time, and you put it up to a speed where you could be running but its awkward and you feel like you dont know how to walk so you just speed walk until you eventually give up?

Imagine that, but something weighing you down so when you run, you can barely move your legs. You're lifting them slowly and trying to bound but its just so heavy, leaving you with barely any distance.

And the guy you're running from, well, he catches up to you doesnt he.

When he caught up to him, leo guesses thats when he woke up. And its not about what happened that bothered him when he woke up and cried, it was the fear that plagued even his dreams.

Then he caught a glimpse of his wrists, his fading scars; stupid mutant healing.

He... missed the red lines.

Thats when something shiny caught his eye, turning down and seeing a manji kurumaken peaking out from under his bed.

He preffered kurumaken over bo shuriken, even though the later were easier to make and more powerful.

Leo loved kunai and shuriken of all kind, they fit in perfectly with his sharp blades.

Before he even knew what he was doing he was reaching for it, putting it against the green skin of his forearm, the shoulder that was unharmed.

The slider didnt need to be doing this, it was... just because he could.

It wouldnt fix anything, it wouldnt magically solve his problems. Hell, itll create more.

Leo didnt care.

Just one slice on his forearm, just one. Over and over and over-

Fuck, it was a little deep, but it was only a slice maybe an inch long, so hoe deep it was didnt really matter.

It was moreso the fact it wouldnt stop bleeding, but he had those square patch bandaids in here... somewhere.

So now leos pacing his room, circles and occasionally stepping over the stray piece of clothing or book scattered around on the floor, bandaid on his forearm while he ignored the fact the blood was splotching through.

He needed to make sure he could move, keep moving.

He wonders how many calories hes burning right now?

He shouldnt be thinking of that...

An uncomfortable sickness grows in his stomach at the thought of eating.

Sweet pizza supreme he hates his mind, so much.

Its not like hes trying to create problems or piss off his brothers, he just cant do the things they want him to. He doesnt know how to just... do it.

He guesses he could try...?

Leonardo knows he has to do it, he knows what he has to do, they've told him. They've even let him go through it and control the terms- if he remembers correctly, today for his first meal is whatever drink he preffered with cheese and vegemite sandwiches.

Leo doesnt even like bread that much, he doesnt know why its an option. It was sandwiches because the slider had to be in a certain mood for toast.

Bread was probably because he doesnt really like any cereal, or pancakes, not really eggs- And because he apparently cant just constantly be drinking things.

Hes pretty sure he has an unspoken smoothie limit.

Leo really didnt like breakfast that much.

He could just eat, eat and eat more and then purge, vomit it all back up; didnt really like the idea of laxatives.

The feeling of eating just to vomit it all back up is just... satisfactory.

He didnt have a reason, maybe it was another control thing.

Maybe leo did all of these things just to have some sort of control in his life, to do things on his own terms just because he could.

But not eating wasnt an option anymore with the new plan him and his brothers made together. He wasnt allowed to eat alone, and no going to the bathroom atleast half an hour after hes eaten.

And that was terrifying.

Although, if he refused food, he wasnt going to be watched, he didnt need to vomit it all back up because there was nothing there.

He really should eat... shouldn't he? He promised he'd try, didn't he?

HE promised, that was his choice... yea, his choice.

Leo doesnt break promises.

The loud grumble his stomach makes when he breathes in is satifying to hear, he finds himself craving it sometimes. It only happens when his stomach is empty, begging for food. Its as if his stomach hasnt gotten the memo that he cant tell when hes hungry anyways, so it just does it anytime its empty.

Are you just hungry when you're stomachs empty? He'd have to research that.

At some point leo finally stopped pacing, deciding to leave his room.

The lair was quiet, which was rare for a large underground hideout home to four teenage boys.

Main lounge area with the half pipe? Empty. Their TV was off and all of their video games were abandoned. He checked his brothers train cars on the way past, but all their doors were open and the rooms empty.

Donnies lab was mostly silent, besides from the low electrical humming buzz from his genius tech.

Raph definetly wasnt training, the big guy didnt know how to train silently, only quiet enough to not wake anybody.

The kitchen was empty, no box turtle cooking in sight.

His brothers weren't home.

Its not that leo minds that they left him here all alone and went out, without him, but he would still like to know where they all are.

You know, its not like hes the leader of their team or anything.

"i was wondering when you would crawl out of bed, blue" splinter hums from behind him, making him flinch slightly. When did he even get there? God, the slider must be more off his game than he thought.

In his defence, his head was pounding and he felt like someone was mixing his stomach around and spilling the context up his throat. If that made any sense.

Leo mentally groans at the comment, he hates the little jabs. All they did was make him mad and he couldnt stand being chastised over little things.

"morning" leo mumbled in return, not bothered to pretend to be okay around splinter. Whats he gonna do, snitch to his brothers? They already think leos loony.

The rat man watches his son for a moment, studying him almost. Leo wishes he could ignore it, but he can feel his eyes on his shell.

"your brothers have gone out, they said they would be back in a couple of hours" the man said calmly, taking a container of leftovers out of the fridge.

"okay, thanks" leo hummed back politely. He waited as he stood as his father continue to watch him, as if waiting for something to happen.

"you look tired, are you alright?" splinter asked, to leos surprise.

Maybe... he was starting to pay more attention to leo?

"just insomnia, im all good" leo stated, it wasnt exactly a lie, not far from the truth, and it definetly wasnt a promise.

The rat man nodded, then left the kitchen. Leaving only leo and his stupid schedule, meal plans and food lists he forgot existed for a moment.

He doesnt have to eat for another hour... he can sike himself up to eat in that time, cant he? Food is... food...?

-

"hey pops, uhm..." he was nervous, this was stupid.

He didnt even want to eat, let alone eat with his dad. But... his stomach felt empty, and he felt all sick. Maybe that was because he hadnt eaten, so he wanted to fix that feeling. Or maybe he was just getting sick again. Also, based on the schedule, he should be eating right now. It was a part of the schedule, and he'd promise he'd try so...

So, not eating was kind of ruled out as an option, but he knew- leo just knew thay if he ate he'd go vomit it all back up if it wasnt prevented. He couldnt wait till his brothers were back, they wouldnt be back until the next time slot. Then they'd get upset because he hadnt eaten, and leo would still feel horribly sick.

"what do you want blue" his dad asked quickly, not rude or harsh, just uninterested.

The slider just wanted to not feel sick.

"well the others are out and i was wondering if you could, uh, eat with me? im not supposed to alone and-"

"can you not just wait for your brothers? im busy, run along now" the rat man said dismissively, and leo walked out because he felt like he wanted to sink into the ground and suffocate in the earth.

You would think his father wouldnt dismiss such a simple task so quickly, or perhaps thats why he did dismiss it.

But he knew leo had 'eating problems', donnie told him about the schedule and shit they were making.

But the rat man didnt stick around for the part where leo makes himself vomit, so... maybe if he knew he wouldnt have turned leo away?

He hopes.

Life was full of wayyyy too many "but"s.

Leo had just spent the past hour psyching himself up to ask, rehearsing what to say (even though he barely got an actual word out).

He already felt like vomiting just from anxiety.

The slider felt like crying, because he had just done the right thing and reached out, for once in his fucking life- he tried reaching out to his dad again, and he was brushed aside.

But he had to eat now, those were the rules, its how it worked, yea? If he was going to consume food, it had to be at those times and only those times.

So, he made his way too the kitchen and made himself two sandwiches, and filled a glass up with water.

Leo ate at a relatively normal pace, surprisingly, but when he was through the first sandwich, he realised that as soon as he finished the entire meal he would head straight to the bathroom.

He hasnt purged in months, but his brothers talking about it kind of just reminded him. Put the thought back in his head, and now he couldnt get it out.

He finished all of it, despite the fullness he felt and the growing uncomfortable sickness, so he could go to the bathroom.

Eating didnt make him feel better.

The thought of his brothers being home soon didnt even cross his mind, but he later wished he thought of it.

As soon as he finished, the dishes were in the sink and he was on his way to the bathroom.

Leo, being the anxious slider he is, paced different parts of the lair a few times, trying to talk himself out of what he was doing.

He hasnt forced himself to vomit in so long, and by that logic he was doing really well.

Part of him cared about the calories in the bread, worried itll destory his slim figure.

But a bigger part of him wanted the feeling of his fingers down his throat, the satisfaction of being able to get it all up and out of his body, the sharp ache in his chest that tells him something happened, that what hes doing right now is real and he's not just going to regenerate for months everytime he dies-

That was not something he wanted to think about right now, being stuck in the prison dimension.

What, you think it was only four minutes? Two days went by, which isnt that long, but a lot happens in two days.

Leo's died in ways he didnt know he could, its why hes not scared of death.

No ones scared of familiarity.

Leaning infront of the toilet tells leo hes made up his mind, he never gets this far and backs out.

On his knees, arms rested on the toilet seat. Gross? Maybe, but hes about to stick his fingers down his throat. He doesnt give a shit.

At first he gags, its normal, the first two or three gets the gag reflex in check. Leo doesnt usually have one thats too noticeable, but when hes just eaten and has his fingers swirling around on the back of his throat only adding to the list of reasons he feels sick, then yea hes going to gag.

The first wave is mostly murky brown water, some chunks of food but not many. The next is better, more food and thicker. Leo feels that- pride? accomplishment? Crawl around in his head.

The next few are chunky and thick, clogging and burning his insides. Phlegm coated the walls of his throat, sticking together and blocking his airways as he desperately tried to breathe through either his mouth or nose, both being full and blocked.

The next few were like that, and he found himself scared. He didnt stop though.

One more time, barely anything but seering burning pain and stomach acid.

And hes done.

Leo couldnt breathe without his chest hurting, his fingers were coated in saliva and vomit and he just knew his breath was horrid. All he could smell was puke and he couldnt stop the everlasting flow of tears down his cheeks because he was so utterly pathetic.

He was such a pitiful sight, and he hated it.

What kind of mentally okay person sits on a bathroom floor sobbing after sticking his fingers down his throat for control.

Leo, apparently.

He atleast had the nerve to wipe the vomit coating his fingers, wiping his mouth as well; there was vomit up the side of his mouth from his hand.

He needed to blow his nose, it wasnt even functioning it was that clogged.

Thats pretty much where the blue turtle gave up, sitting on the floor and continuing to cry.

Leo had gone months without forcing himself to vomit, MONTHS. And its not that he was counting, or really paying attention, but those months were for absolutely fucking nothing.

He just threw them away, and for what? This isnt... normal. He isnt normal.

- with the boys

"donnie, hurry up. we need to get back to leo" raph announced casually, leaning against a wall while watching the middle child at work.

"pl-please stop- let me g-go im sorry!" donnie ignored the wolf yokai, face blank, only his eyes harbouring a satisfied glint to them.

The other was already unconcious, missing his arms and bleeding out. Raph wanted him to himself.

They didnt deserve to be mentioned by name.

Mikey started this one that donnie was currently cutting up, tipping sulfuric acid over each cut he made. Highly flamable, and hurt like hell.

"alright, dee you ready to blow this place? i tipped that stuff everywhere like you said" mikey said in a sing song voice, smiling innocently at the man on the ground.

The box turtle threw the other yokai on the ground next to him, he had been dragging him around on the floor and now he was concious.

"just... kill... us... assholes" he struggled, eyes barely open.

"oh we intend to. raphael, light the building on fire." donnie starts, crouching down and smiling sadistically.

"by the time the authorities get here, there wont be anything left" mikey whispers.

"next time, dont touch our fucking brother" raph didnt correct donnies language this time, they had all said a lot more awful things tonight then fuck.

"have fun in hell, wolves" raph growled, throwing a few matches down before they all left.

When they get their hands on any other who hurt leo, you best believe they'll make every minute of pain count for them.

-

"leo? its okay, its alright. are you there?" the slider sniffed pathetically, pulling his head out of raphs large hand and squeezing his eyes shut tightly.

He was still on the bathroom floor, disgusting sticky wet face.

God, he hadnt even cleaned or flushed the toilet.

"hey no, buddy what happened? were you sick?" he could hear donnie gagging outside, doing breathing exercises, the softshell hated vomit.

All it did was make leo feel worse.

"i-i ate, because-because it was t'me to- and alone cause you wen' somewhere 'nd dad said he wa-was busy and w'ldn e-eat with me... and... and..." leo broke down for the second time in the span of possibly an hour, and they immediatly knew what happened just by his explanation.

Raph didnt care about the smell, or the fact leo was a bit of a sticky mess. He wasnt covered in puke, and even if he was the snapper was his big brother. Hes carried a puke covered donnie to the bath countless times when they were younger.

"shh shh, its okay. we're sorry for leaving without telling you and being gone, we're back now" raph promised warmly, hugging leo close as he cried.

"hey mike, do you think you could clean up a little and fix the smell in here? theres not really much of a mess, but its messin with donnie" he asked softly while furrowing his brows, running his thumb over the bandaid the snapper was sure wasnt there before.

Mikey nodded and began cleaning immediately. Leo had failed to realise that before wiping his fingers on toilet paper, in his upset clouded desperation to curl up on the floor, he had smeered vomit over the sink, vanity and toilet.

Leo cried harder, now his brothers were cleaning up after him? Could he get anymore pathetic and pitiful? Any more disgusting and worthless?

All he was doing lately was creating problems, all because he went off the rails and stopped pretending.

"i-i 'm so so-rry, i wa' jus' try-trying to-to- i-" leo couldnt even form a sentence, hiccuping breathlessly everytime be tried to get a word out.

He was so upset with himself. He was so upset that his brothers had to be here with him, that they felt they needed to.

"i know you were trying, and raphs so so proud of you for that. its alright" raph really wished they could have come home and talked to leo about the recent tension between the three eldest.

But for now all was forgotten, it had to be.

"cmon, lets go to the kitchen sink and clean you up a bit huh?" the snapper scooped up his brother as he stood, plucking leos electric blue toothbrush and toothpaste from their little holsters and making his way out of the bathroom.

Donnie was sitting criss crossed on the floor around ten metres from the room, staring at the doorway and watching the activity in the room.

"you all good dee?" raph called out, getting a nod in response.

"is nardo... hurt?" the softshell asked, hesitating slightly.

What was he supposed to ask? Is leo okay? Why is leo hysterical? Is leo dirty? Is leo-

So he settled on asking whether or not he was hurt.

"not as far as i know. he made himself puke, im not sure if its hurt anything though" he said as casually as possible. He didnt want to show how much he was freaking out, because he already had leo hysterical in his arms unable to speak through his own tears right now.

Raph then made his way to the kitchen, setting the slider down to sit next to the sink on the bench and placing the teeth cleaning things down next to him.

"leo, hey buddy its okay, i promise. theres no harm done, you're not in trouble and nobody's mad" he soothed, warm smile present on his face as he crouched infront of his brother, maintaining eye contact with his teary magenta eyes.

Hes not in trouble, and nobodys mad.

The sliders bottom lip wobbled, nodding as his throat ached and closed up with the flowing tears. He wasnt even blinking, that was supposed to be the trick: dont blink and the tears will suck back in.

He kept his eyes open and the tears just simply overflowed anyway.

Raph only kept smiling, supportive and strong as he washed the sliders hands thoroughly.

The complete opposite of leo.

"here, you think you can clean em or do you need help" raph asked, holding out leos toothbrush that was already rinsed and squirted with toothpaste.

It was such a stupid pathetic question, but raphs tone held no judgement, nothing but pure concern and love.

Leo didnt deserve it.

He took the toothbrush from his big brother and cleaned his teeth silently, being eternally thankful for the disappearance of the pukey taste in his mouth.

"bathrooms clean! donnies inspecting it closely like the weirdo he is, but he'll be out in a minute. your boy is a superb cleaner" mikey announces, waltzing into the room and immediately scanning for his big brother.

"what is happening in here boys?" Oh, and how God awfully embarrassing is this.

Chapter Text

"leo puked, we were just makin sure hes ok" raph said distantly. He sounded a little mad, but leo wasnt exactly all here right now, he couldnt be sure.

And of course, donnie took that as his que to walk in as well.

"correction, he made himself vomit, because you refused to eat with him" the softshell said accusingly, waiting for splinter to offer an explanation.

"he asked to eat with me because he didnt want to alone, and i asked why he could not just wait for you three. i-"

"you what dad? you were sat there while we were talking about it. dee TOLD you that leo has an eating disorder and you still sent him away!"

Splinter was shocked, and guitly; what had he done. He didnt mean to do this, and the look of regret that plagued his old tired features portrayed that perfectly.

The three brothers were getting angry, they usually didnt step in when there were issues between their brother and father.

But this? This was different, this was a relapse already. This was because their father wouldnt do something as simple as eat with their brother.

They were talking about him like leo wasnt here, like he couldnt hear them. Like he was just some- some project- not an actual person whose right. fucking. here-

And now leo is here, and just-

All their voices were slowly raised, and leo could barely make out what they were saying because there were way too many people talking at once. It was like trying to watch the TV while the dryer and washer were going, someone was playing very loud music to other people were having a conversation you couldnt help but eavesdrop on.

It hurt.

"shut UP," They all looked towards him, shocked into silence.

"leo-"

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" he yelled, clasping his hands over his tympana and sniffing loudly.

Why was his nose still fucking blocked-

"blue, i dont understand what you wan-" that just set him off.

One thing after another, little bits at a time before he cant fucking take it anymore.

"all ive ever wanted was for you to love me like you love them! you're always there for april, you-you do anything for mikey, you think donnies Gods gift and you put so much trust and faith in raph. you-you dont think im trustworthy, or-or kind or smart and-and capable- all you've ever done for me is make me go my whole life questioning what was wrong with me. asking what makes me so unloveable. you would n-never say or do half the things to them that you have me. you're so much more present in THEIR lives but- as far as im concered you're the exact same to me you always have been. do you know how fucking exhausting it is being an outcast in a family of outcasts? why am i not good enough for you? what is wrong with LEONARDO?! HUH?! wh... i dont... i cant..." leo sobbed hysterically, not being able to form words anymore.

He just broke, that was it.

He couldnt take it anymore.

There were fire ants crawling through his bloodstream, everything hurt and he felt so awfully sick. It was like he was back there-

What? Back where?

Suddenly hes thinking about what happened with jacob.

He thinks about how... how fake and disgusting he feels. How invalid and stupid hes being. Its fucked up, but a part of him wishes he was just fucking raped like a normal person. Then it'd atleast be bad enough for leo to feel like this.

Wait, rape? What...

"leo, leo! leonardo! can you hear me? leo look at me. look at me" he looked up, meeting raphaels distressed hazel eyes.

"yes, look at me. just look at me" but he couldnt keep his gaze on any of his brothers, his eyes couldnt help but train down to their father.

Their father, who was atleast four feet shorter than them, hairy and-

crying,

he was crying.

Small tears that wouldnt fall.

"leonardo..." he says so softly, trailing off.

What could he possibly say right now.

His expression was that of haunted, everything was going through his head. Everytime he had brushed his blue son off in favour for the others, or told him no to something he'd say yes to for the others. Everytime hes said little unnecessary things in a tone that was a little too harsh and he watched his sons face fall.

Leo remembers seeing someone look at him like that once, after he had told them something. He couldnt remember who, it was a little hazy and his head was pounding.

stuck to the bed-

what...

i cant move- why cant i move-

no, that didnt...

please get off me- i cant move i-

he didnt...

it hurts so much please get off, just GET OFF-

that cant be what happened

he couldnt move, he couldnt do ANYTHING

He screamed out of shock, a new wave of tears pouring down his face like acid, he thought he was going to be sick.

Leo jumped off the kitchen bench, falling to the ground and heaving, coughing up phlegm and not much else as he gagged.

Splinter didnt hesitate this time, the moment he found out leo tried to kill himself flashing through his mind.

He wasnt leaving this time. He needed to be better, bl- leo. Leo needed him to be better.

"it is alright my son, deep breaths" splinter soothed, bringing leos head into his chest once he stopped gagging.

He tried to weakly pull away, but splinter wasnt letting him go this time.

"n-no you do-dont unders'and- i-i-im gro-gross" he was all dirty, everywhere he touched was dirty.

Leo was dirty.

"its okay leonardo, im here. you are not gross" splinter promised, not realising the slider wasnt referring to the puke.

Leo whined in frustration, he was sick to his stomach and it was so hard to breathe-

"you-you don- know wha' 'ey di' ta'me- what HE did ta'me. dad-daddy i-it hurt" the look that splinter gave him, that was the same look milo gave him the night he showed up at his apartment an absolute mess.

Splinters brows furrowed, and his brothers breath hitched. Was leo talking about what they thought he was talking about? Or...

The rat man was concerned, someone hurt his blue, his sweet baby blue.

"what did he do to you leonardo" splinter asked, stern but gentle, protective. Leo couldnt help but obliged.

"h-he r-r-ra-" he couldnt bring himself to say it, couldnt get it out. Couldnt form words through tears.

They all knew what he was saying though, and splinters heart dropped so fast he thinks it stopped beating.

Thats when tears fell, someone r- someone did that, to his baby blue. HIS son.

And just listening to his apologetic mumbles, his wails about how he's so incredibly sorry for being such a failure, being so filthy and letting someone dishonour their clan like that.

Little snippets and details from the night were sputtered out in the mix, and all his brothers were crying now as well because what were they supposed to do-

Splinters heart couldnt take it. The pure unwelcomed sadness he felt in his heart was something he had never felt, wish he'd never feel, prayed his sons would never feel. Something unfathomable, indescribable.

"oh my sweet boy, im so sorry. you have not failed me or our clan, please never think of yourself as filthy. he is the filth. you are a mere child" splinter mumbled, praying his son couldnt hear his wavering voice as he tried to stay afloat amongst all the tears being shed.

Leo just continued to cry, wailing. He was so sorry. So tired of being sorry. So tired of being tired. So regretful, yet didnt regret anything but being alive.

Leo is usually quite well-spoken, his vocabulary was quite broad even if he didnt speak from it often, but he had no words for how he felt.

Suddenly there was a soft glow, consuming the whole family.

Their ninpo.

All four of them connected with leo, making them gasp and quickly shut it off.

They all had one thought,

how does one ever think such things? Survive through such... merciless pain.

"I-im so- sorry-" leo wailed out, coughing and wheezing.

He was hyperventilating, there was too much mucous clogging his airways and he couldnt breathe-

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck why can he never breathe.

"leonardo you need to try calm down, please" splinter more or less begged, distressed.

He made leo uncurl himself, tilting the slider down to lean again splinter in a more laying down position. He rubbed a comforting hand on his sons plastron, slightly building pressure as his hand moved in circles.

"c-ca-nt *wheezing* bre-bre-"

"hes having another asthma attack!" mikey chirped, distressed and scared- hes so scared.

What was in leos head was horrible, it was so awful! The box turtle couldnt even really see anything, it was just him floating in darkness feeling absolutely nothing while random memories- or... or made up things? Swam around him. There were so, so many of leo dying, and he thought most of them were imagined until the countless ways leo has died in the prison dimension started flowing. It was lonely in there.

"shit- ill go get his inhaler-" donnie was shocked, pure and utter shock.

Leos head was a nightmare, a mess. He couldnt breathe in there, and there were all sorts of sensations and sounds and dangers around everywhere all the time. There were voices that wouldnt shut up- They werent voices he recognised, but at the same time they werent voices at all. They were just thoughts, deadful thoughts.

"no purple, get the nebuliser. he wont be able to use a regular inhaler right now, and hurry" splinter said quickly, hoping his son would return quickly.

He only hoped leonardo would forgive him, forgive him for all the years he's barely been a father to him. He felt like he was in the mind of a very sad, very small child. The sliders head was full of self-doubt and loathing, all stemming from his early childhood. The way he grew up, his families attitudes towards him- splinters attitude towards him. The inconsistency and literal abuse the man had put him through. Yoshi wanted to be sick, he had abused his son, and not even realised it was abuse. And leo still continued to love him all these years. He would do nothing less than beg for forgiveness after this and then be the best dad he possibly could.

"ill get it- i know where it is" raph called out quickly before racing out of the room, knowing where the device had been kept all these years because of the lack of use. Leo hadnt had an asthma attack this badly since he was small.

Small, thats how raph felt when he was in leos mind. He had never felt small in his life until that moment, until he was being beaten on, being controlled, being killed over and over. Being ridiculed and ignored. Flashes, constant anger and fear that raph thought he knew and understood. But leos was so much different to raphs, so much more severe and intense that it spread like illness. The slider was so stuck between being incredibly angry- like borderline mental patient insanity, and complete depressive episode he's going to kill himself just to stop being so sad.

"RAPH HURRY UP"

The snapper quickly returned with the fully set up nebuliser, passing it to his dad and wrapping his other two little brothers in a hug.

"whats going on?!" he questioned desperately, practically shaking with worry.

"leo-leo passed out" mikey whined, shoving himself into raphs side but never taking his eyes away from the slider.

"he'll be okay, it is alright my sons. this will clear the mucous from his airways and reduced any inflammation. since hes not awake to hyperventilate, he should be perfectly fine." splinter assured softly, holding the mask to his sons striped face as he stroked his green head with the other. Although, he himself wasnt entirely sure.

"s-so he should wake up soon, shouldnt he?" mikey asked hopefully, still crying.

By now raph and donnies tears had ceased, but donnie wasnt speaking and raph wouldnt let go of either of them.

"yes michelangelo, he should wake up within a couple minutes at most. but he will be exhausted afterwords, so do not expect a lot" raph winced at that.

"now, i would like you boys to tell me where you had run off to in such a hurry a few hours ago" splinter asked sternly, giving them all looks that told them he was considering grounding them.

"we went to find a couple of guys who hurt leo. not the one who he was talking about earlier, we have no idea who that is." raph explained coldly, face twisting into something angry at the thought.

Splinter immediately ruled out grounding, he would not ground his sons for such a thing. But he was curious.

"i see, and did you find them?" he continued, watching them quizically.

"yea we did" mikey replied, muttering bitterly and handing his father his phone. Splinter raised a brow in confusion, taking the device and reading what was written down, face slowly twisting into something similar to raphaels.

"and what, may i ask did you do with them?" he asked calmly, handing the youngest back his phone.

"extermination" donnie whispered, face blank as he mustered up the only amount of verbal communication he could currently handle.

They heard a quiet whiney groan and whipped their heads to the slider watching him stir and cough.

Slowly, his eyes opened, resting half lidded and glossy.

"hello my son, it is alright. you're okay" splinter greeted softly, a pained smile gracing his lips.

Leo immediatly tried to sit up, weakly reaching for the mask that was now lightly strapped around his head. His father quickly stopped him, shushing him lightly when he whined.

"rest leonardo, it is just the salbutamol nebuliser, no need to panic. i am aware of what i am doing unlike your brothers" splinter assured warmly, resisting the urge to chuckle at leos constant insisting that he was the only family member to know anything about phsyical health.

Leo whined quietly again, but listened to his father and let his head rest in his furry lap comfortably.

Everything still hurt so much, and he still felt so sick.

"i know, i know. shush, do not be stubborn. you just had quite the intense episode, followed by a violent asthma attack before fainting. please rest my son" splinter instructed lightly, counting the amount of seconds it took for leo to succumb to slumber on both hands.

"should we, uhm... move him to his bed? or the med-bay?" mikey asked quietly.

Leo hasnt had an asthma attack that badly since he was younger, maybe nine. He got upset at everyone and ran out of the lair down the sewers. His asthma was quite severe when he was little, and his body hadnt gotten used to the physical ninja lifestyle as of yet.

"the med-bay, his breathing is still quite heavy and wheezy. i want to keep him on an oxygen mask, atleast while he is asleep" splinter explained quietly, bringing his head down to listen to leonardos chest as he breathed lowly.

"i think he might be getting sick again" raph mumbled, reaching down and picking leo up gently.

"possibly, orange please carry the nebuliser for your brother" splinter said, standing up and watching his two warm coloured sons leave the room with leonardo.

He turned to his second eldest son, the softshell was standing and staring helplessly. The rat man softened when tears welled up in his deep brown eyes and donnie sunk to the floor in a heap in his fathers arms.

"there there purple, it will be alright" splinter reassured calmly, listening to his sons quiet sobs.

"i know how to treat physical illness more than you, my scientist son. i promise you it will be okay. im here, and i am not going anywhere"

There was a beat of silence, only little sniffles being heard when donnie pulled his head out of his fathers robe and looked at him. The gaze was angry and sad, betrayed and heartbroken, distressed and worried. All of the above.

"for... nardo too?" he forced out a whisper, and splinter knows that if donnie hadnt been bordering non-verbal right now his tone would have been harsh and unforgiving, but the softshell was clearly too tired.

The rat man softened into a calm guilt, but swallowed it and smiled reassuringly anyways.

"yes, for leonardo as well. now, please come with me to retrieve your brothers"

The two stood up, walking into the med-bay where the eldest and youngest were fussing quietly.

"alright you three, out. go to reds room or something and please rest, i will watch over your brother" it was like a switch had been flipped in their father brain all the sudden, but none of the three were complaining.

They were all exhausted, so after a stern and undeniable order from their father, they all fanned out of the med-bay, leaving only leonardo and splinter.

Raph scooped up both his little brothers, not hearing any protest and continuing towards his room.

They didnt even manage to keep track of who fell asleep first, because it was as if as soon as they laid down they were immediately out. Raphs pretty sure the younger two fell asleep in his arms before they were even placed in the bed and snuggled closer.

They all felll asleep with thoughts of leo on their mind, and they were worried for what else was to come.

How long can one last before they crack completely?

Chapter Text

Raph lies awake while his little brothers still slept in his arms, stuck in the swirling pool of his mind thats currently red slider themed.

Hes trying, desperate, racking his brain for something so simple that he simply cant find it.

When was the last time leo made a joke.

And no, not the self depreciating im about to sob and pass out 'joke', a leo joke.

A stupidly dorky one liner that makes everyone groan, a quick sarcastic quip or jab that was so undeniably clever even if it was a simple sentence that just ended an entire conversation. A clapable witty remark during a fight that would fire up his brothers and outrage their enemies.

Raph tries to move to something else, when was the last time leo came into one of their rooms, or spaces, to simply terrorise his brothers in true hamato middle child fashion?

Or maybe... when was the last time raph caught mikey and leo up at three in the morning cooking or baking?

Or- or the last time they had to drag leo out of the med-bay because his beak was stuck way to far into his books and notes?

Or the last time leo made them train, essentially making raph think they were simply playing a game but then only to reveal the slider had figured out how to train all of their strongest skills while working on their weakest, simultaneously! And had fun while doing it so donnie wouldnt be mopey, raph wouldnt be ripping his non-existent hair out and mikey wasnt crawling up the walls in boredom!

Or the last time they heard screaming coming from leos traincar, only to rush in and realise he was simply happy (? raph wasnt entirely certain on the emotions) stimming over angsty animations of his favourite characters.

Or the last time leo forced them to watch lego ninjago and just info-dumped during the entire thing and near cried about how "real" lloyd is.

Or the last time they had a karaoke night and leo roped them all into just singing alvin and the chipmunks songs and proceeded to not shut up about them for the next however long.

Or even the last time leo insisted he was the most fashionable, or most attractive, or favourite turtle anyone has ever known.

Or-

There were so many things, so many little mannerisms and activities that were just so incredibly leo that they hadnt seen in forever, hadnt noticed or missed until now.

When did leo stop being... leo.

He didnt info-dump anymore, certainly not about any special interests or hyperfixations. No begging for a buddy to watch chipmunks, lego ninjago or Jupiter Jim, and no constant whining about how he doesnt understand why raph wont let him break into that one haunted Westerfield complex that Houdini experimented with this whole telepathy thing that raph could not understand a word of!

There was no fun training that included leo anymore, he'd organise their training and make sure his brothers were happy and productive, and then put himself through harder self-hatred based training - the training was harder than raphs, and raph is easily naturally tripple the size and strength of leo!

There was no loud music, singing or dancing. No late night cooking where raph would have to lecture them on sleep schedules and giggling WAY too loudly so early in the morning.

Leo wasnt passionate about anything anymore, and that was motifying.

Leo is passion, hes so extremely passionate its almost overwhelming.

And he just...

"raphala, i can smell your distressed realisation stink, and if it wakes up micheal hes going to bring out doctor feelings" raph looks down at the voice, seeing his oldest brother awake and staring at him with an almost irritated expression, mouth twisted down slightly into a frown and eyebrows furrowed.

The only thing that tells raph otherwise is donnies turquoise eyes, worried and crinkled. Its where their ninpo is always visible, their eyes; leo would always say its the window to the soul.

The slider also loved that his and donnies eyes were seemingly opposites, he swears that in a dream he met an alternate version of them that had heterochromia, one eye turquoise and one magenta, but insisted that changing their eye colours so drastically wasnt exactly safe.

Leo's eyes had lacked spark lately, even with his eyebags they were always supposed to be sparkly.

Raphs hazel eyes were always warm in colour, donnies always an electrically buzzed turquiose and mikeys orange-brown forever glowing.

Leos magenta eyes sparkled, they always joked about how it fit all their personalities and ninpo so perfectly.

"leo lost his sparkle" raph hummed quietly, he didnt know how to explain all his thoughts he just, well, thought- outloud. So he opened up his ninpo to offer a mindmeld to donnie, breath calming when the softshell accepted, showing a face of understanding.

Donnies mind flickered back to the morning he had to go wake leo up, prying him out of bed when he seemingly had a headache.

"i knew there was something different, i just... couldnt figure out what. it was the sparkle of his ninpo- his dum dum doors to his dum dum soul werent- arent, sparkling" donnie says quietly, frown deepening into something sadder.

"we'll get the sparkle back guys, dont worry" they turned their heads to the youngest, lopsided smile and one eye open as he looked up at his big brothers. A constant hopeful glow.

-

Leonardo was trying to figure out what was going on, because he was very...

lost.

He knew he was in the med-bay, which was accustomed to fit his poor sensory issues. The roof was a dark blue and their 5300k blue tinted lights that leo so gracefully helped donnie installed were supposed to help with relaxation. It was a great change from the obnoxious yellow tinted lights that were there before.

He was aware of the needle in his arm, but he wasnt entirely sure why it was there. Same with the oxygen mask on his face, but it was pretty hard to not notice it was strapped comfortably around his head.

The sliders chest was achey, but not too worrisome compared to the ghost of sharpness his chest held yesteday. His head was muddled with sleepiness, adding to his slightly confused state.

He opened his bleary eyes, everything being a bit fuzzy for a moment before it cleared. He then tried to sit up, his chest aching in a sharp pain that still wasnt too worrying as he rose.

Immediately his father was infront of him, which was an odd occurrence but a welcome one nonetheless.

"please do not get up too quickly blue, i do not want you being sick for a third time" right, he vomited... twice. And... had an asthma attack and passed out? His asthma hadnt been that bad in years, what an odd turn of events this was.

The slider immediately remembered the events of yesterday, the outbursts, the purging, the... the memories of...

of being raped.

He remembers wishing what happened with jacob was rape instead of what it was, but now... now he just wishes none of it happened.

He would never wish to be exposed like that, ever, again.

Who would wish that?

Leo wished, key word wished. Past tense.

"leonardo? is something the matter?" he was lost because he didnt understand, maybe he hadnt fully processed it yet?

Because yesterday it was... a shock. The initial action of remembering slammed into him like a fucking truck, literally taking his breath away.

Go figure.

It was an overwhelming realisation more like am acceptance induced breakdown.

The more he thought about it, the more he understood. The scary foreign dreams, the odd icky feelings, the constant nagging in his mind that he was missing something.

Half of him was atleast thankful that nagging feeling was gone, because the only thing humanity is truly scared of is the unknown.

But he should wish it stayed missing?

Shouldnt he?

"can you hear me?" it replayed in his mind, everything that happened and what led up to it. He must have been drugged, or something along the lines of badly intoxicated.

But he couldnt feel anything towards it, no matter how hard he tried because hes supposed to feel something, is he not?

Hes supposed to be angry or disgusted or sad or violated - he knows that, hes indulged in enough angsty fiction and research on trauma survivors that he knows thats what you're supposed to feel but-

"no, keep the mask on, do not be stubborn" his hands were pulled away from his face.

Hands? His fathers hands, much too small to be his brothers.

He'd check, but his visions kind of blurry, like when you're watching fiction on TV, its a relality TV show that looks real and is apparently real but you feel that its fake, and you're physically watching the TV so its a part of your real life but the slightly fuzzy screen is the only thing you can focus on. But you're also zoning out after watching it for so long, not taking in anything thats happening while you're in your head but you dont know how to get out.

You dont hear a word thats being said or take in much thats going on around you.

So leo will sit here, lost.

Splinter watched, shaky hands holding his sons gently.

How did he ever miss this?

The turtle was sitting up, hunched into himself while his hands rested in his lap. They had reached for the oxygen mask on his striped face, but his father gently pulled them away, bringing them down into his thinly sheet covered lap.

Splinter feared he didnt know the half of what destroyed leos mental health, of all the terrible things that plague his sons mind.

He did not know, and that was the thing he was ashamed about. That was what made him so truly horrible.

He knew nothing.

The rat man wasnt specifically informed that their hamato ninpo was constantly visible through their eyes, their soul ties to the outer world, but he noticed.

His sparkle.

A sparkle hes had since he was a turtle tot, since the first time splinter ever picked up the red eared slider the first thing he noticed was how his adorable red stripes covered most of his green face, perfectly complimenting the way his big innocent magenta eyes sparkled.

Splinter cant remember the last logical time he saw his sons eyes sparkle, because surely it wasnt the day of the invasion.

The boys eyes werent merely dull, they were absent.

Leo was absent.

"leonardo, can you hear me?" he didnt, it was like his son was looking right through him.

Absent.

The word rings in leos head, hes not sure where it came from; no one had a spoken, or, as far as he knew - he hadnt heard any words spoken that sounded like absent.

Splinter can treat medical wounds, and right now, physically, leo was less than ideal but mostly okay. Whatever was happening right now was mental, and while splinter had seen glimpses of leos awful mind, he didnt know a lot about his mental health.

Thats when he called for the rest of his sons, pressing a button on a communication watch donatello had given him. The button sends out your location as a panic mechanism to any others with a watch, which was all four turtles and splinter.

Although, the more donnie thought about it, leo hadnt been wearing his watch lately. There was no need to take it off, the tech was comfortable on their green scales, completely mystic and temperature proof. He'd have to put it back on the slider when he got a chance.

"dad? is everything okay?" raph asked quickly as he entered the room, holding a sleepy mikey and donnie who was squirming like he was being kidnapped. He set the softshell down and watched as he was immediately at his twins side.

"is leon awake?" mikey mumbled, rubbing his eyes harshly to try and awake up more.

"yes, but hes..."

"dissociated as fuck"

"purple!"

"let the record show that i am infact, not sorry"

"would you be sorry if i grounded you?"

"i am infact sorry"

"mhm hm"

Leo wasnt aware that his brothers were there, in the front of his mind he understood that yea probably they're totally there, but he was in the back of his mind.

There was nothing particularly interesting going on back here, but it was fuzzy and warm.

Its genuinely like he just moves backwards into his mind, watching the outside world through tunnel vision, not being able to pay attention to anything.

"could one of you please explain this, dissociation, to your father?" splinter asked politely, waiting for a response.

"its a disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions and identity. it has different levels, and hes currently not really aware of anything going on right now because of it. if we cant just ground him, he'll come back, eventually" mikey explained, jumping out of raphs arms and going to sit on the gurney infront of his brother.

"papa, may i ask what you have running through the IV?" donnie asked curiously, examining the needle in his brothers skin.

"a low dosage of pain medication, trazodone and fluids to keep his hydration levels satisfactory" splinter informed.

"leon, can you hear me?" he could, his eyes flicked to mikeys upon hearing his name. But everything was still fuzzy feeling, and he couldnt focus on a lot too well.

"thats so great big bro, here, ready, im gonna put my hands on your face, mkay?" mikey said gently, careful and clear but not overly dumbed down.

The box turtle reached his hands up slowly, cupping leos red stripey cheeks and rubbing his thumbs softly on the skin that wasnt covered by the oxygen mask.

Leo closed his eyes, shoulders sinking into themselves more as he churred approvingly. His brothers were always warmer than him, which meant skin to skin hugs and affection were great.

Mikey giggled and splinter shook his head fondly.

"does that feel nice? my hands on your face" mikey asked carefully, question phrased so leo would actually think about the sensation.

His brothers hands were warm on his face, it did felt really nice. He could hear his big brother chuckling in the background.

He weakly nodded his head yes, eyes remaining closed as he enjoyed the sensation paired with darkness.

"how does it feel?" the box turtle continued, slowly grounding leo without the slider even realising.

"warm" he mumbled contently.

"yea? are you cold?" the box turtle asked gently.

Mikey was slowly trying to bring leo back, have him focus on a real life feeling and describe it. The more answers he got, the more specific questions he could ask him.

"a little. you guys are always warmer, its weird" leo offered quietly.

"yea? why's it weird, you're always so cold" mikey asked. The trick was to converse with leo casually, no questions that even suggest they have any expectations because then his anxiety would sky-rocket and he wouldnt be able to speak.

"cause our turtles survive perfec'ly fine in normal cold temperatures, and all our average body temperatures should be similar, if not the same. but mine 's always colder" leo explained clearly, pulling the information from his endless studies on turtle health and their individual species.

By now, both donnie and raph had moved to be infront of leo as well, just on the side of the gurney behind mikey.

"dee and raphie are here, do you think you could open your eyes back up?" leo opened his eyes, being met with the bright expressions of his brothers - his dad had stepped back temporarily.

"there you are! hows my baby bro doin" raph beamed, trying not to flinch at leos blank eyes.

They were magenta, a typically bright colour. But they werent bright. They didnt sparkle.

Raphs baby brother sparkled.

Why wasnt he sparkling.

"m not a baby raph, but im- good" leo said, pausing in between his sentence to yawn.

He reached up to mikeys hands, removing them from his face gently and taking the oxygen mask off.

"my son-" splinter started, being interrupted almost immediately.

"i can breathe fine dad. im awake and here now, i swear" leo assured carelessly, waving his hand dismissively in the direction of his father as he turned the machine off.

"alright leonardo, if you insist" splinter sighed, tired smile matched with many wrinkles from the years with four boys.

Leo was about to remove the IV, but froze.

Did he...?

"what did you say?" he asked confusedly, almost desperate. He must have misheard.

"if you insist leonardo?" his father repeated confusedly, not understanding.

"you said my name" leo mumbled.

He didnt feel very focused, he was actually feeling quite fidgety, but he just couldnt get that out of his head.

His dad said his name.

Splinter softened, jumping onto the bed and grabbing one of leos tapping hands, holding it gently in both of his.

"my sweet boy, words cant express how sorry i am for the anguish ive caused you. theres no excuses nor explanations for my actions and attitude towards you over the years, i was simply being a horrible father to you. i will do better. i love you so much leonardo, just as much as any of our other family. there is nothing wrong with you, you're just a child. my child" splinter said softly, teary eyes mirroring his sons.

The slider smiled sadly, pulling his hands away and rubbing his eyes.

"i appriciate you saying that, i love you too, i just..."

"you do not have to forgive me, baby blue. just please know that i am here now." splinter assured, offering his own warm and tired smile.

Leo looked around, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with all the mushy mushy feelings that he didnt want to go through right now.

He realised there was still an IV in his arm, reaching down and plucking it out of his scales.

"why do you do that every time!" donnie screamed frustratedly, muttering about leos dumbness under his breath.

"so lee, how are you feelin?" raph asked, ignoring the middle child currently having a tantrum.

"oh im okay! im kind of tired, but i feel fine. i could sleep for yeaaaaaarrrrsss- did you know that wyatt shaw fell asleep for like, eleven days a few years back? thats me right now. if i was asleep, and seven, and-" leo rambled, not thinking too much about what he was saying. Everything he said reminded him of something else, which of course made him forget what he was initially saying in favour for the new thought.

It was a ploy so he didnt think about... that. And if he didnt look like he was thinking about it, his brothers wouldnt ask about it.

"leonardo. please shut your mouth" donnie knew logically that it might be the mixture of sickness, ADHD, and medication making his brother so... exuberant, should he say. But hes also incredibly ANNOYING.

"aww dee said please! raph! look hes growing up so fast-"

"i will test my new lasers o-"

"don ton stop being edgy! we all know you loooovvveee us" leo continued to tease his twin.

Raph watched with a smile, a bittersweet feeling pooling in stomach as he watched leo's eyes stay flat and blank as he grinned evilly at his brother.

"leo when was the last time you took your meds" the snapper asked, looking at leos shelves with all their regular medication on it and seeing the sliders were all pretty full.

"uhh which ones? cause i dont remember" leo offered unhelpfully. He didnt really need medication, pft, why would he? He hadn't taken medication in ages.

Sure, maybe he was supposed to take adderall regularly because its for his adhd, you know, typical impulsivity and focus issues. And yea trazodone would have totally been helpful when he cant sleep for days, and mayhaps he should be taking the klonopin, or maybe some temazepam... but he didnt actually HAVE to take any of them. They were just helpful when he was 'struggling' with one specific thing.

Mikey was the one who took regular ADHD medication, and donnie who took sleeping medication occasionally. Even raph took anxiety medication every now and then!

Leo didnt have to take any of it, he was allllll gooooooodddddd. Totally fine, totally shouldn't be on a regular 'take this everyday' prescription. Nope! Not this slider!

"this is why you've been so insufferably hard to-"

Donnie cut off by a series of sneezes from leo, six to be exact. Mikey giggled when the slider stared off into the distance, glaring at nothing in particular.

"lee you look like your brains all mushy" mikey continued to giggle when raph gave him an exasperated look.

"my brain is mushy" leo mumbled tiredly, the earlier burst of energy being short-lived as he continued to hazily glare at nothing.

Mikey jumped up onto the gurney, wrapping his arms around the sliders neck and nuzzled his cheek, smiling warmly.

Last night was really scary, all of this was so scary- mikey was scared. Scared that leo was going to get himself killed or end up killing himself or-

Yea, the box turtle was scared. And definetly not spiralling the tiniest bit, if anyone asked.

So for now, he wants to stay by his brothers side.

"mike, have YOU taken your medication today?" raph asked dubiously, face palming when the youngest pulled a very childish thinking face and said no.

"mikey!"

"what! its been a super duper eventful morning"

Both donnie and raph sighed, each scowling at a different brother. Well, it was moreso donnie scowling, raph didnt really scowl, it was more of a disssapointed glare.

"symptoms leo?" donnie asked blankly, pulling on his striped cheeks since the slider wasnt wearing his blue mask.

"tello, you're so mean" leo whined, sticking his tongue as some form of protest, communicating disgust.

"blue, listen to your brother and stop being a menace" his father reprimanded, a stern stare directed towards him, but the instruction clearly held no vemon, moreso amusement as he watched the two.

"my nose is stuffy, anddddd the brains all mushy" leo hummed quietly, resting his head on his baby brothers shoulder.

"your brain is always mush. what else"

"dad!"

"leonardo"

"fine... 'm tired and breathings a little bit hard. i probably just didnt properly get over my cold from earlier" the slider insisted, nodding his head and coughing lightly into his elbow. When he felt a sticky wet substance in his arm, he pulled back and saw a thick phlegm and griminaced.

"or maybe its bronchitis" he muttered disgustingly, taking the tissue raph handed to him and wiping his arm.

Leo got bronchitis atleast once every year, it wasnt out of the ordinary and he absolutely hated it.

"oh hurray, leo has brochitis. what an amazing advancement in-"

"donnie, enough. seriously"

Leo just flopped himself against raphs plastron tiredly, too exhausted and hazy to keep himself up but not being able to lay down because his other side was currently occupied by his younger brother.

"cmon mike, lets let leo get back to sle-"

"noooo i dont wanna sleep in here" leo interrupted in a whiney voice, wrapping his arms around mikey when the younger nuzzled closer.

"can we turtle pile in the living room with breakfast dad? pleaassseeeee" mikey pleaded, using his youngest child privileges knowing their father rarely ever told him no. The rat man sighed tiredly, nodding his head and watching fondly as mikey screamed in success and ran out of the room.

"red, please make sure orange takes his medication" splinter begged. Mikey pinged off of walls without some form of regulation in medicine form, literally.

"sure pops, raphs on it" the snapper promised, smiling reassuringly as he scooped leo up into his arms, ignoring his mutters in protest.

"good boy red, now, i am going to have a nap. please wake me if any of you need anything" their father informed gently, patting raphs leg and hobbling out of the medbay like an old lady.

Donnie grabbed the correct dosage of mikeys medication before vacating the medbay, followed by raph carrying a sleepy leo in his arms.

Mikey was about to say something when his ringtone played loudly, making leo jump in raphs arms and look around frantically.

"oops- sorry waitt- hello?" mikey answered the phone, walking into the kitchen to he didnt disrupt raph currently trying to get leo to sleep, rocking him like a baby even when he protested.

"hey michelangelo, is leo all good? he hasnt been answering his phone" it was milo, the box turtle realised, he didnt exactly check the caller ID before answering.

"yea, hes been pretty shit at that lately. he remembered what you told us, about the man. hes sick and sleepy now. you can come down to the lair if you want, he hasnt said a single thing about it all morning, but i think itd be a good idea for you to be here when he does say something about it" mikey explained quietly, peaking his head out to see his three brothers in the loungeroom.

"see, im totally down for that, i have things for you guys anyways and i agree. but i have no idea where your secret lair is" milo revealed, chuckling lightly at mikeys realisation.

"rightttt ill come get you, but we'll have to walk-- unless i send donnie in the turtle tank, or-"

"dude, i dont mind. whatever you decide to do is cool with me, im just at my place when whichever one of yous gets here"

The two said their goodbyes, hanging up and mikey made his way to the living room.

"oh donnieeeee favouritest genius big brother of-"

"what do you want micheal" the softshell interrupted, impatient and already knowing the youngest wanted something from him.

"could you go pick up milo with the turtle tank? pleasepleasepleaseeeee-"

"mike, please be the youngest child quietly. leos asleep" raph asked politely, smiling warmly and gesturing to the slider lying asleep curled up into his side on his beanbag.

"donnie? please?" mikey begged, puppy eyes shining while his hands clasped together.

"ill have you know i cant even take the turtle tank down in the hidden city, but i will go retrieve the snake yokai if i must" donnie muttered in response turning quickly towards his room to retrieve his purple hoodie and a pair of grey sweatpants before exiting.

"oh and angelo?" the softshell called out from the main exit, well out of distance to feel any of his brothers wrath.

"yes my most favourite brother?" the box turtle called back in a sing song tone.

"take your fucking meds!" he screamed, and then ran, knowing that raph wouldnt yell at him from the couch while leo was sleeping but he sure would chase him if he didnt get out of there fast.

The snapper just sighed, popping a pill and handing it to mikey and watching him as he took it.

"you three will be the death of me one day. tiny evil creatures" raph muttered quietly, the only one seeming to care that their brother was asleep.

"hmmm probably those two, you know evil middle children and all-- oo raph, can you make slime with me? i lost mine" mikey said quickly, bouncing in his place, not paying any mind to the dead look raph was giving him.

"the three of you will be the death of me me" he repeated, clear emphasis on the word three.

"is that a yes?"

sigh

"sure bud, ill make slime with you"

Chapter Text

Donatello wasnt impressed with his task, retrieve the stupid snake yokai that his twin brother was friends with. Not that he really had any reason to dislike Milo, hes treated leonardo fine besides getting him into drugs. But then again, his dumb blue twin probably would have gotten into drugs on his own anyways, so atleast he had someone looking out for him.

Milo isnt the problem. Donatello had come to that conclusion.

The drive through new york wasnt that long, and for the rest of the time donnie simply enjoyed the walk through the streets of the hidden city. It was a quiet part of town, somehow, and it wasnt too far from the gateway he had come through.

He didnt enjoy it, he hated walking, leo was the one who liked going on walks. But that just makes him sound depressing and lazy.

Even though it wasnt a long trip, the silence he was met with gave him time to think; too much time to think, even though he was constantly thinking either way.

How are they supposed to help leo?

For now, he decided to focus on the sliders physical health. Get him back to health, deal with his mental troubles along the way. Hopefully not have to force (he hated having needles put in his skin by others) the slider to use an IV because they werent even sure if he could support himself properly and his skin was looking ten shades lighter than usual--

He'd worry about that when he arrived back home. Donnie trusted his brothers to look after leo while he was away, and if anything significantly severe happened? Well their pops was there, and he would help.

The genuis made it to the apartment building, making his way inside and up to the room he remembered to be milo's.

"¡Ey! tortuga morada!" he heard in the distance, turning his head to see where it was coming from. He knew what the spanish meant, purple turtle, because leo had called out to him that same way atleast twice before.

Low and behold, milo's uncle was walking towards him with a welcoming smile.

"you are león's twin, ¿Sí?" the older snake yokai asked.

"correct, donatello" donnie responded blankly, hands staying in his pockets. He didnt like the fact that he indeed was a twin currently without his twin.

"ah, where is mijo?" Mateo asked warmly, a hint of worry in his voice.

"home, sick," donnie eyed the elder, "why do you ask? is there a reason for you to be worried about him?" he asked accusingly, easily defensive.

Usually, he wouldnt say a word. He would have ducked his head, tried to get out of the weird awkwardness of small talk with a yokai he barely knew. He had no interest in talking to this man. But he wasnt with anyone else, he was alone and this was about leo.

"Cálmate niño," he said softly when donnie grew annoyed, clicking quietly, "he is close with my boy, lo amo como a un hijo." Donnie took a few minutes to translate the language in his head: i love him like a son. He kept his glare, wanting Mateo to elaborate more.

"i may let mi sobrino run around as if he is an adult, but i assure you that comes from a place of trust, and i am still very aware of his every move. i do notice that pequeño azul is not completamente well, and i am forever worried about him," he sighed.

"i have wanted to meet his family for a long time, to ask if they see what i see. sin embargo, no matter what, leonardo is a good influence on milo, a good kid. so yes, i worry for mi familia, which includes su hermano," the lizard yokai finishes.

Donnie simply nodded in acceptance, after a moment of suspicion of course.

"also, i am friends with your tío hueso"

Suddenly milo came down the stairs with a duffel bag, fully dressed; donnie realises Mateo must have informed him he was here when he first saw him.

"hey man, sorry if i kept you waiting," the snake yokai greeted, smiling at the turtle even when only met with a blank face.

Donnie turned around and began walking towards the exit, "apology accepted, lets go."

"te amo tío, adíos!" milo waved goodbye to mateo, running after the purple turtle.

-

"donatello?" The two boys were currently in the turtle tank, almost home. Donnie hadnt said a word the entire time, and neither had milo. He didnt mind.

"what" donnie responded blankly, staring ahead as he drove. The vehicle had a self-driving mode because donnie hated driving, but he didnt want to sit awkwardly with leos 'friend', so he was ignoring that feature.

"have you guys considered that maybe, hes AuDHD and just struggling with ptsd and severe anxiety? maybe there isnt some higher up answer, or maybe its something only an actual psychologist could figure out. no offence to michelangelo and his little personas but we're teenagers. we're not qualified. maybe he just has some issues that sent him into a spin, its not like you guys have always been the best to him." Milo had a point, donnie knows he has all the correct and valid points no matter how dumb dumb dumb he thinks he is.

But he still chose to ignore what he said, because he knows. They all know. And hes not talking about this right now.

"why do you have an entire duffel bag. are you planning on moving in or something? because i dont care how much leo likes you, you are not living with us," donnie didnt turn around, keeping his eyes on the road.

Milo sighed, "no, but knowing leo he wont let me leave tonight. besides, most the shit in here isnt mine, its for you guys." He smiled and patted the bag, making donnie turn around, eyes furrowed in confusion.

"us guys? as in plural, multiple people, not just for leo?" the purple turtle asked confusedly, not understanding even when milo nodded as if it was the simplest thing.

"yous dont have a lot of clothes, so i got you some. the sizes should be right, and i got some things i think leo would like," now donnie was even more suspicious, turning the tank on autopilot and sitting in the chair across from the snake yokai.

"why. and what things" he pressed, watching as milo remained completely casual. Was he reading too much into this? No, of course he wasnt.

"ive got money, youre his brothers. saves him a lot of time and cash," he shrugs, pulling out many items of clothing. "And nothing like, weird. its just something i saw, and a few things that might be helpful for him," he finished vaguely, removing everything from the bag onto the vehicle floor.

There was the pile of clothes for the three boys, everyone knows leo has enough clothes. A soft weighted hoodie, a packet of crayons and disney colouring books, a sippy cup, a few soft teething-like toys (leo will always be a biter), and a pacifier.

"you bought him little gear," donnie uttered intelligently, staring at the items.

"yea," milo huffed, smiling gently, "i thought it might help, and i could tell you guys didnt have anything, soooo-- oh, look what else," he said, reaching behind him and grabbing--

"you know about his my little pony phase?"

"oh of course i do, sometimes i dont think he grew out of it" milo grinned widely, setting the item down.

It was a my little pony plush, almost build-a-bear like but you could still clearly tell it was my little pony, that looked suspiciously like leo himself. Donnie could already see it coming, Mikey is absolutely going to talk about how cute the unicorn is, and Leo is going to sit there and explain that its an alicorn, not a unicorn or a pegasus because it has wings and a horn.

"youre stupid and make it hard to hate you"

"thank you?"

"you're welcome. ever hurt my brother and suffer the consequences"

-

Donnie and milo made their way into the lair, donnie hovering ahead as he led the way silently.

Yes, he had like kind of offically, potentially, partially opened up to the idea of leo having a friend. None of them have ever had friends except for april, but she doesn't count. Shes mutual and been here since the twins were nine, a big sister since day one.

He definetly didnt want anyone knowing he was more than civil with the snake yokai, it would damage his bad boy image.

"snake yokai retrieved michael!" donnie called out, counting approximately four point forty seven seconds before mikey appeared in the room.

"donnie dont be rude, he has a name," mikey scolded, turning to milo and smiling brightly, "hi milo!"

"yo," the snake greeted, reaching into his bag and pulling out the clothes that were for mikey. "these are for you, donatello, where do you want me to put raphaels?"

Mikey, surprised but excited, simply took all three of the boys clothes, yelling a lot if sentences that sounded like thank yous while running up off somewhere. Milo assumed it was to someones bedroom.

"follow," donnie announced reluctantly, voice quiet as he walked. Donnie did not want to be here anymore, he had talked to way too many people he didnt want to today. Granted that number was only two, but two is still a lot.

They both made it to the living room, donnie gesturing with his hand as he tapped his eldest brother with a singular finger.

"oh hey dee, ya back," donnie clicked in response, gesturing to the other standing idly.

Raph turned to milo, offering a warm smile, "hey, leos just there. not sure if hes sleepin, he was up a few minutes ago," he explained quietly.

The eldest turned to donnie, "you NV now?" he asked, earning a quick and singular nod. "you can go if you want, leos all good. come get raph if you need him," he offered gently watching with a smile as donnie immediately walked away.

Milo had walked over to a seemingly asleep leo on his beanbag, crouching down. He couldnt help the smile that creeped up onto his face, concerned but fond.

"he says he thinks hes got bronchitis," raph hums helpfully, watching the boy with his brother.

"is' sucks" they heard a mumble.

Leos magenta eyes were half-lidded and hazy, eyewhites tinted red. There were dark green, almost purple markings directly under his eyes, while his bright red stripes were unnaturally pale along with his green complection. He was still laying curled up on his side on top of his beanbag, not having made any effort to move as of yet.

"hey lelo, cómo te sientes?" milo asked, cupping leos cheek and rubbing his thumb gently across the boys red striped under-eye.

The sliders eyes drooped shut, "mhmmmm ... me siento enfermo, me duele la cabeza y la garganta..."

"whatd he say?" raph asked, leaning over with a smile, eyes furrowed slightly.

"his throat and head hurt. i think he has a temperature" milo informs, smiling growing when leo whined quietly.

"lolo..?" he asked, reopening his eyes and trying to focus his gaze on milo. The snake yokai thought it was adorably concerning how hard he needed to try.

"yea, its me," his smile only grew.

"Hiiiii"

"Hey, ive come to check on you. and bring you some things," he explained, simply accepting when leo tried to crawl closer to him, helping the blue turtle into his embracd while they were both on the beanbag.

"presents?"

"yea babe, presents. raphael could you chuck me my bag real quick? the stuff in there for you michelangelo took already," milo asked, thanking the taller when he gave him the bag.

"cool thanks, ill check it out later. you can just say raph by the way, same with mikey" raph said, watching intently as milo accepted and started going through his bag.

"ill show you the rest of the stuff when youre better, but here," milo manoeuvred around the slider gently, pulling out the plush he got for him.

Leo snuggled it in his arms immediately, taking a few moments to actually look at it and realise-

"my little pony," he mumbled, astonished and looking at his friend with hazy, stary eyes.

Milo smiled warmly, chuckling, "thats right, and its for you."

Leo snuggled into milos embrace, eyes closed as he cuddled the soft toy close in his arms. "Im naming him mj"

"why mj?"

"milo junior." The boys heart soared, "thats cute," he hummed intelligently, holding the blue turtle comfortingly.

"mm hm, f'ank y'u, lov' y'ou," leos quiet voice was muffled as he fell asleep, still clutching mj in his arms.

Milo couldnt help the smile that plastered on his face.

"thank you"

"huh?"

Raph smiled warmly when milo met his gaze, "thank you. for the stuff, and for looking after him when raph wasnt, and for being here for him still."

"no problem man," he grinned, "seriously. leos..."

"hes leo," raph finishes for him, smile faltering slightly.

"oh, he totally has a fever by the way. his skin has never been this warm."

"crap"

Chapter Text

A few days later, Leo was feeling noticeably better in the physical sickness department, now even walking around the lair and insisting his brothers can leave him alone. So that basically translates to him being back to normal.

It was a lot of rest, semi-force-feeding, and medication that mikey usually insisted that he went to fetch.

“Okay, try not to move anything, you know how he gets,” His oldest brother would say while watching the youngest walk towards leos med-bay.

Mikey would snort at the thought, how many times they have been startled by Leo screaming that someone disorganized something in the med bay; it was usually Donnie carelessly looking through the medicine for the pills that help with his migraines. They all knew he did it on purpose just to mess with Leo, who claims to have a ‘system’ (A system that changes every time the anxiety gets the best of him and he re-organizes everything)

Milo had stayed the entire time, fully getting a chance to further bond with the brothers. He had briefly seen splinter, but tried to avoid him at all costs until leo was up and about enough to introduce them properly. It felt like the better thing to do, and he was being more than polite, the old man hadnt noticed a thing.

It was just that any time splinter was checking on leo, well milo was conveniently anywhere else.

"look, lolo, if youre just gonna poop on my party and try to order me to listen to my brothers orders, then just go home cause leon is not havin' it today." Ah, yes. They were all glad leo wasnt running a fever anymore, but that also meant the slider was back to his normal self.

"dude im not orderin' shit, im just pointing out that theyre right for once. ya kinda need food to live, love," milo mused, mildly concerned but also relieved to see the slider back to normal, even if normal was wildly concerning.

"ill eat when im hungry," leo hummed sweetly, leaning against his bedframe.

"fair enough," milo replied, because that was fair enough. If leos not hungry, even though he hasnt properly eaten in days, he cant force him to eat. It wasnt in his list of boundaries he was cool on crossing at the moment.

"now that you're better though, i wanted to know how you were doin'. your brothers told me about the other day," he asked gently, hoping leo would talk to him.

"what do yo--.... oh." leo replied intelligently. Flashes went through his mind, knowing exactly what milo was talking about, feeling all those feelings once again as if they had only just surfaced and he was drowing in them--

"hey lelo, you're okay. look at me," milo guided gently, grabbing leos hands to focus his attention, noticing he looked a bit zoned out.

"whats going through that pretty head of yours?" What was going through leos head? Everything he thought was missing a few days ago, everything that was there was in place of the weird accepting numbness he had felt when waking up in the med-bay.

Hes suddenly overwhelmed with all those emotions and feelings, definetly, definetly preferring when they missing and he wasnt sure what he was feeling.

But as he looked into milos violet eyes and remembered the aftermath of him crashing into his apartment, an absolute disgustingly blubbering mess, all he could focus on was the overwhelmingly painful tug of guilt and anguish.

He hadnt even realised tears were dribbling down his cheeks until the snake yokai reached one hand up to wipe his cheek.

"talk to me leo." The slider simply leaned his head on milos shoulder, hiding his face as he cried as quietly as he could.

"theres n--no point in this stupid bullshit," he mumbled, hiccuping when milo encouraged him to continue. "Im just some stupid fucked up teenager and it isnt about me. im just making everything up in my head. im so sorry"

"It is in your head lelo, thats mental health, but you're not making it up," milo soothed gently.

"buh-bu' now look, ive just mess' myself up more b-by letting myself get raped?!" leo garbled, swallowing desperately before continuing.

"s-so what if i grew up being the s'upid lying annoying one? the one who no one trusts or listens to? the least favourite? the one who if you think you're failing at something oh just look at neon leon you cant be worh-- worse than hi--" he choked on a sob, burrying himself deep in milos embrace.

"im so sorry," he whined into the boys embrace, not registering when they had shifted positions.

"hey now, you havent done anything wrong to me," milo rubbed soothing circles on leos carapace, mindful of the cracks, "or anyone else. and you didnt let yourself get raped leo, jesus. its not your fault" he insisted.

"what?" leo mumbled confusedly, sniffing and bringing his head up to look at milo confusedly.

The snake yokai merely smiled warmly in response, "its not your fault," he repeated.

He saw the conflicted look on leos face, eyes wide as tears endlessly fell.

"its not your fault"

"its not your fault"

"its not your fault"

Milo brought leo back into his arms fully, holding the turtle while he shook and cried and hiccupped through breaths, "its not your fault its not your fault its not your fault," he whispered lovingly, rocking leo in his arms.

Milo hadnt held leo, thought he was this small, since that night. He thinks that the reason his heart hurts and he holds him as close as possible, even when his sobs slowly die out and hes left with occasional, quiet hiccups.

There was a knock, the bedroom door fully opening soon after; the brothers had insisted no closed doors. "Hey guys, uhm, i made chinese food! curry chicken, sweet and sour pork, theres dim sims too, fried rice-- stuff like that, i didnt know what everyeone wanted, so i kind of made a whole chinese takeout menu... maybe some malaysian food too? Thai? surprisingly didnt take me very long," mikey rambled, trying to lighten the mood considering his brother looked significantly more depressed than usual.

He hoped leo was listening, but it also didnt cross his mind that the slider was acutely aware of what mikey was doing: stress cooking.

"thanks man, we'll be out soon," milo said gently, smiling insistently when mikeys smiled wobbled worriedly, nodding and leaving the room.

"i don' wanna eat..." leo sniffled, hoarse voice crackling and muffled while his face was hidden.

"oh mi amor, you know eatings important. come on, doesnt mikeys cooking sound good?" milo encouraged softly, taking leos hand and leading him out of the bed.

"why are you here?"

"what?" milo wad confused as he watched the blue turtle pull away, shaking his head softly.

"I'm not even a good friend, and we're not having sex anymore. wh--why are you still here?" his voice cracked, bottom lip wobbling dangerously close to more tears.

Milo just smiled, his warm supportiveness that leo couldnt help but insist he didnt deserve. "Because i love you, leo. some days i question if im in love with you," he joked.

"i cant be what you need," the shorter whispered, shaking his head again.

"i dont need you to be anything. you're my best friend, all i need is to be here," the taller insisted, voice never wavering even as leo leaned his head against his chest.

"i cant be what you need... i cant be what they need..."

"all they need right now is for you to come eat some food. no one is asking you to all the sudden be perfect, its just one little step at a time."

Leo stood silently for a long while, simply breathing and appreciating the sound of milos heart beat. "I cant," he whispered.

The taller didnt reply, humming with no real answer before lifting leo into his arms, holding him supportively. "Then ill take the first few steps for you, starting with going to the kitchen."

-

"hey guys, raph was startin' to wonder if yous were comin," he smiled, eyes flickering from boy to boy as he tried go figure out whether he should be worried or not.

"nah, neither of us could pass up chinese food. right lelo?" milo encouraged gently, placing leo on the ground so he could stand on his own, both moving to sit down at the table.

The blue turtle hummed in response, taking his seat while he scanned all the food on the table.

Fucking hell mikey made a lot of food.

"hello my son, im happy to see you well enough to come eat with us. you and your... friend," splinter said, smiling warmly at both boys.

"this is milo alvarez, milo this is my dad, hamato yoshi, splinter, yada yada," leo explained half-heartedly, hand gestures clearly showing how uninterested he was in the current conversation.

"pleasure to meet you sir," milo greeted ever so politely. Leo likes to think hes just perfect and thats why he is the way he is.

"oh please, splinter is fine. the pleasure is all mine. so are you and my son friends, or something more?" the elder asked curiously, harbouring an underlying tone that leo already knew was coming.

"hes my friend, dad," leo deadpanned, giving him a look that was supposed to be him trying not to glare. His father was not knowing he fucked this guy, nuh uh, no god damned way.

"well then if you are only friends then why did i not know about this?"

"do you remember when i came out to you for the first time dad? i told you i was gay and trans. you remember your reaction? why would i ever tell you about milo," leo snapped, taking in a deep breath and avoiding everyones eye.

"milo is whose food i brought home that one night, the bowl i smashed that had food i wanted you to try, he made it, you wouldve liked it. we were at his apartment that night, so if you asked, or better yet had listened, then you wouldve fucking known now wouldnt you," leo hissed bitterly, stabbing a steamed dim sim with a chopstick and putting it on his plate.

Milo was silent. He had his own thoughts about splinter most definetly, but now wasnt the time to be vocal about them.

Hes always been curious to see how the family has interacted based off of leo. But considering the blue turtle was being a lot more vocal about his simmering anger for his family, milo guesses hes in for a lot more family drama.

"okay, lets eat before the food goes cold," raph suggested, smiling and begining passing food around.

"great mediation raphael, truly admirable how you defused that situation," donnie muttered, mostly for leos amusement. He called it a win when the blue turtle snorted and muttered "ill say," stopping raph from doing more than shooting donnie a look.

Leos twin knew he was in a pissy mood, and that made him feel a little better.

They all ate, leo was mostly quiet considering he was very focussed on not puking, and the fact that he was really irritated for some reason. The others let him be, seeing that the only people so far hes reacted to in a not extremely pissed off way was donnie and milo. They werent totally on board with testing that.

"yo, thanks for the food. that was great," milo said, earning himself mikeys trademarked winning smile and a very exuberant explanation of how he prepared all of it.

Leo snuck off quietly, years of practise sneaking around coming in handy to leave the table while everyone was invested in the conversation that is the youngest child.

Nobody noticed initially, except donnie, who almost always noticed his twins absence. It was like a sixth sense, a spidey sense, if you will. It screamed "leos about to do something dumb" at him all the time.

"where are you going," leo flinched slightly at the voice behind him, "jesus dee, why the fuck are you sneaking"

"you were sneaking first, im merely following," donnie insisted, face positively blank, "why are you sneaking?"

"because i wanted to take a piss in peace, raphs heavy breathing is making my skin crawl and not all of us have access to noise cancelling all the time," leo said, tone heavy with sarcasm as he slipped into the bathroom, leaving the door open.

Donnie followed, "why not just go retrieve your headphones?" he asked confusedly, taking his goggles off and placing them on leos head without a second thought.

"because then they would hover more-- they dont get it. mikey gets overwhelmed in crowds when he cant find any of us and wants to go home, raph freaks out when hes alone for too long. milo understands but i dont want him to have to understand all the time," leo rambles, climbing into the bathtub and sitting on the edge, back against the wall while his feet rested in the empty porcelain.

"and me?" donnie interrupted, smiling but not quite matching leos sudden grin that plastered his face, "well, you're the one whose here, arent you? we're the ones who get messed up over shit like breathing." he took a deep breath, closing his eyes and leaning his head on the wall.

"i know you didnt come in here to urinate, or to simply escape our brother and his horrid habit of mouth breathing. you would have just told him to shut up and breathe through his nose," donnie said, climbing into the bath right next to his twin.

"yea, youre right. as per usual," leo hummed, leaning and resting his head on his brothers shoulder. "I was gonna puke, god dee i felt so sick before i even ate anything."

"you barely ate enough to feed a four year old version of yourself"

"i know"

Leo liked this, not specifically the long silences or the awful nausea, but just when what he was said was accepted. Not spun into therapy and self help lessons. Leos heard it all from his brothers.

"can i say something, but you must promise not to be irritated with me as well as everyone else," donnie said gently, praying to gods he certainly didnt believe in when leo hummed in response.

"you need help, from someone else who understands what you dont understand, and can help you understand," donnie pushes out, hoping leo wouldnt shut him out.

After a few seconds of silence, he finally responds, "i know."

Donnie waited for more, "the logical part of me that deals with myself and my emotions knows that, but another part of me doesnt care. and another part of me doesn't really see that future where im..." Leo trails off.

"mentally stable? happy? not suicidal? healthy?"

"okay" He mumbles, and donnies quiet, processing the sheer amount of anguish in that one word. But he accepts nonetheless, "okay."

They sit there for a while, and think that surely their family would have noticed that they're both missing from the table and hoped they were together. Twin time has been minimal lately, but its still twin time.

"Can we go swimming? just me and you," the blue twin asked suddenly, taking his head off of donnies shoulder and looking at his expectantly.

Donnie looked at him like he was stupid. "You, someone who just recovered from a fever that left you hazy and slightly delirious, want to go swimming in autumn," donnie said, just to make sure he had all the facts. Leo only nodded his head insistently.

"please tell me you understand how ridiculous that may sound."

"oh come on, don, i really want to go swimming. and i can portal us somewhere warm, obviously. im an aquatic turtle, maybe me never swimming is the source of my issues," leo countered, climbing out of the bathtub with a grin that told donnie he was going with or without him.

"care to elaborate on that statement?"

"well maybe my insomnias so bad because im a marine turtle species, and im literally never swimming"

"what does that have to do with anything though, you have quite literally managed to explain nothing to me."

"well sliders can only usually sleep in the water, maybe that's one of the reasons i have so much trouble sleeping. again, its not like you guys let me swim around a lot-- and that whole emotional regulation from sleep mumble jumble?" leo continued, now walking towards his room where donnie followed intently.

"okay, but what is your goal out of one swimming trip. the reason we dont let you 'swim around a lot' is because you almost drowned last time you went alone, ignoring the fact that we were with you anyways, and we've been just a tad busy lately." Yes yes, leo remembers.

He used to use swimming as a coping mechanism, and it used to be an every day all the time activity for him. His brothers banned him from swimming alone, and prevented it when he was in a 'bad mindset'.

The water was calming, he liked the cold beaches the most. They had waves and he could float and be moved, the cold was so nice and familiar to his usually cold body temperature. Maybe it was just the simple fact he was a red earred slider, but he felt so at home with the waves, even if he was a freshwater turtle.

But the cold reminded him of the prison dimension, so did the choppy waves as he floated. It sent him into that void between awareness, it made his dissociate sometimes. He was aware enough to still like, hold his breath and not die when in the ocean under the water so it was fine.

One time he... one time he lost control, before the invasion. He decided to just... take the chance, it would be so easy. It only hurt for a few seconds

But of course, his brothers were worried and on top of it when they realised their brother was actively drowning. Leo claimed he had felt dizzy and must have fainted, because that was the only logical explanation; hes a great swimmer, maybe the best out of the family.

"that one time i fainted and almost drowned?" it was before the invasion, so his brothers had never questioned him.

"yes nardo, you are correct," donnie replied helpfully.

"you know, i didnt faint. i just... let myself sink and then breathed in." Donnie inhaled sharply, "you what?"

"the water calms me down, a lot. makes it easier for my brain and my body to not feel like rejecting life. but sometimes it makes my brain fuzzy, kinda dissociated i guess. im always aware enough to hold my breath, i just decided to give up that one time," leo explained, half way through what he was saying when he realised this was probably a horrible thing to confess to right now, and he had no idea how his twin was going to react--

A hug. Huh, that wasnt on his list of guesses.

Okay jesus, a really tight hug--

"youre so stupid" Haha, yea. He should have seen that coming.

"im sorry," leo said, smiling when donnie pulled away and all but glared at him.

"you arent though," his twin countered.

"im sorry for making you guys upset, im sorry that my actions upset you guys. but youre right, i would do it again. im sorry for that too, because i know if it was you in my place then i would want to beat you up for being so mean to yourself," leo said, his smile never faltering.

"its not your fault"

"what?"

"its not your fault," donnie repeats, because he means it. "i know youre not trying to hurt us, even if i on occasion get angry with you. its not your fault."

Leos silent, hes been told that a few times today. But if its not his fault, then whose is it? There has to be someone to blame, and it should be leo, shouldnt it?

But hes not open to getting into that right now, so he deflects. In true leo fashion.

"now can we go swim now?" Fucks sake leo, he cant just say something like that and expect donnie not to scream and sob and cry and throw up, hello???

Ughhhhhh but leo was looking at him with his stupid smile that he couldnt say no to. "Fine, but im picking the place and driving. Grab a jacket" he accepted.

"We're going swimming"

"Nardo its cold, get a jacket."

"okay, okay-- oh shit milos still he--"

"Yo, leo. sorry to like, interupt but tìo wants me home, ill text you though, okay?" Milo appeared at the doorway, accepting the tight hug he got from leo in return, "okay, tell tìo i said hi, yea?" the blue turtle muffled into his chest.

The snake yokai smiled softly, "course man, thanks for letting me hang for the last few days."

Leo lifted his head up without pulling away, a small smile gracing his lips, "thank you for hanging."

With milo gone, the twins grabbed a jacket each and went to tackle the final boss: dad and raph.

"no? no! raph says no swimming?!"

Leo had requested that donnie asked, because no matter how much his twin insisted he still knew they were more likely to say no if leo asked. So he was standing quietly next to donnie.

His family noticed donnies goggles rested on leos head instead of the owners, so they hadnt asked where the two were or what they were doing. It was clearly twin time.

"ael i have it under control, i assure you," donnie reasoned, letting leo return his googles after seeing him get worked up.

"purple, i agree with raphael. blue has only just recovered from illness," their father announced.

Leo thought for a moment; theyre the disaster twins, theyre going either way. But it wouldnt hurt for them to go along with it.

"Please," the slider mumbled, the first actual contribution hes made to this conversation. His eyes were wide and pleading, and mikey recognised it immediately. Afterall, who do you think taught mikey how to use his youngest child privileges to the fullest?

Raph cracked, growling softly but accepting reluctantly, giving them countless rules. Then they looked towards their father. Leo didnt need his permission, but he knows it would feel nice to have him accept something.

"donatello," he started, "i trust you are aware enough of the weather to not go swimming in the ocean, or a river?"

"you wound me father, of course," splinter chuckled at that, so that was a good sign.

"alright. but if anything goes wrong you call one of us and come straight home, yes? and do not stay out late," he smiled when leo smiled, blurting out thank yous as he dragged donnie away.

Mikey couldnt help but watch how others so easily influenced leos emotions, as if he wasnt living his life. He was living for others, by the rules of others.

But that was a conversation for later, leo was in a good mood again. So why ruin it?

Chapter Text

"soooo where are we going to swim?" Leo insisted he sat in the passenger seat, because even though donnie wasnt actively driving, for some reason its what leo wanted?

"the pool."

"oh wow, exciting. more like a cesspool"

"they get cleaned every sunday afternoon, and they dont add the chlorine in until the morning. it is sunday night, meaning the water is still fresh and no one has been in there since it was cleaned. and also, the childrens swim area is heated, which is where we will be swimming," donnie explained, eyes glued to his phone.

Leo was leaning his head against the window, looking out into the dark city. He got motion sick really easily, but he often ignored it in favour for reading or playing on his phone.

He hummed in response, tired eyes focused on the passing lights, "thats good, we're really sensitive to chlorine. and public pools are grubby."

"i am aware. which is why i chose the pool, your injuries are finally healed properly, i dont want to risk any infectious bacteria."

The drive had been mostly silent, and leo didnt seem overly upset to donnie, but he had also just found out about yet another suicide attempt the blue turtle had tried. "are you alright?"

Leo didnt respond, eyes unfocused out the window. Everything passed, there were cars and people because it was New York but it all passed by as if nothing was happening.

"leo?"

"hm?"

Donnie looked up worriedly, "are you alright," he asked again, brows furrowed as leo looked over with a small smile. "im with my favourite twin, why wouldnt i be alright?"

It uneased him, the way leo could sit there and put any emotion on his face, present in any way he could no matter what. The times he couldnt, well donnie isnt sure how he'll react on those days.

He guesses it made sense, leo is the face man. Hes been pushed for that title his entire life and they used him during missions as one. Hes been working his family with the gift as well. Hes not sure whether he wishes his brother wouldnt or not.

He didnt reply, deciding not to push or mention the fact he was his only twin. And leo didnt comment on it, going back to his window until they reached the pool.

Donnie picked the lock on the door, already having disabled the alarms on the way there.

"swimming!" leo yelled, throwing his jacket to the side and diving into the middle of the pool.

"leo! that is NOT the heated pool!" Donnie screamed, stomping his foot. His IDIOT brother was still under the water and swimming towards the deepest end of the pool, probably unable to hear him properly, but it was the thought that counted.

But when he reached the end, he didnt come up for air, simply turning around and swimming back to the shallow end.

This continued for approximately six minutes before donnie decided to throw a sinker toy at him.

"ow, don what was that for. jerk," leo whined, pulling himself out of the pool and walking towards his brother.

When he shivered, the softshell shoved him into the other pool next to them, the one he was actually supposed to be swimming in. "For being a dumb dumb and jumping in the cold pool when i told you not to!"

"arent you getting in?" leo asked, effectively ignoring his twin brothers anger.

Donnie groaned, removing his purple hoodie and diving into the water. "you will be the death of me"

"mm hopefully not," leo hummed before going back under the water, making donnie roll his eyes.

They swam around for a while, mostly leo swimming while donnie floated around calmly. He wasnt really one for sports, whereas leo thought constantly moving was soothing. Yuck.

Damn, he really sounded like a lazy asshole didnt he. Oh well.

"i thought you wanted to swim," donnie asked, no heat in his voice despite the accusation.

Leo hummed from his position on donnies carapace as the softshell paddled smoothly around the pool on his front, "i did."

"you're sitting on my shell while i swim," the genius pointed out intelligently.

"i know, its comfy. i got tired."

Donnie thought for a moment, "maybe it is time to go home then," he suggested, waiting to gain his brothers opinion. All he recieved was a small "okay," in reaponse.

So the twins vacated the pool, drying themselves off before slipping their jackets back on and returning to the turtle tank. Donnie immediately turned the heating up, feeling a little chilly himself and knowing that meant his brother had to be atleast the tiniest bit cold.

"hey D?"

"yea?"

"can we stop at huesos before we go home," leo asked gently, voice hesitant as he set his gaze out the window on the passing cars once again.

"Sure," donnie agreed without a second thought, "I'll let raph know we're stopping by there."

"kay," the slider mumbled in return, voice harbouring no emotion donnie could properly recognise.

"are you sure you are alright?" he asked softly, brows pinching when leo sighed and leaned his head on his brothers shoulder. "Just tired 'tello."

"Well then perhaps we should see senor hueso tomorrow, its late," donnie suggested immediately, worry evident in his voice.

"Jee, you sound like raph," the blue turtle joked, wrapping his arm around donnies as if his limb was a pillow, or possibly a stuffed animal. "Im okay, really. Just a bit tapped out. Wake me up when we're at run of the mill."

Donnie didnt reply, he wasnt sure what to say. He couldnt tell if leo was being honest or not.

Leo was perfectly fine with that. Sure he was tired, but he wasnt confident he was actually going to sleep. He'll just slip between the void, in and out of awareness, and come back super sleepy and possibly a little hazy but who cares. He appreciates his twins concern, afterall how cute is his little worried big brother act, but he was emotionally tapped out. Like he had explained. And while donnie understood the concept, this was leo they were talking about.

Besides. Hes about to go see his tìo for the first time in maybe a month, or more. And the last time he saw him.... welllllll.... everyone remembers.

God, he might get a sandal to the head... boy are they not fun, huesos shoes were like, made of brick or something. Yikers!

It'll be okay, he knows he owes his tìo a real explanation after it all.

It won't make it any easier to meet his disssapointed face though.

-

"Wake up, we're here," leo awoke startled, sitting up immediately and groaning at the way his head pounded.

"Nardo?" Was that even a nightmare, or just a really weird dream? Hes not even sure he was asleep, so maybe it was just his imagination pushing fantasy into his head.

"Leo?" Maybe theres something jn between, because dreams are usually good, and nightmares are, well, nightmarish. They didnt have to be during sleep, and this was just oddly discomforting, if not playing on deep rooted fears.

"Leonardo" He was shaken out of his thoughts, literally. Donnie was shaking him.

"Woah, hi don, whats up?" His brother looked at him as if he had grown another head.

"Whats up? Whats... up? you-- actually, nevermind. We're going home," donnie said, going to turn the turtle tank back on when leo stopped him.

"Wait no," he said, pulling his brothers hands away, "we're already here arent we? You said we could," he argued, jumping out of his seat and already going for the door, washing away the weird not dream for later overthinking.

"so vámonos hermano!" Leo said enthusiastically, looking back at donnies worried face.

He softened his tone, smile wobbling to something small and pitiful. "Dont make me go in there all alone."

That was all leo needed to do to get his softshelled twin to go with him.

As they walked in, he found a new wave of nerves wash over him. Should he really be here?

Who was he kidding, of course he should be here! Hes been such a brat lately, or more of a brat. Specifically with hueso. And those text messages were probably super duper not cool.

Shit, hes such an asshole!

He really just went "ttly im making tea because im alive" after not speaking to him for ages and ignoring him after he showed up at the restaurant hysterical and trying to off himself? What kind of fucking-

"Pepinio?" Fuck.

Hueso was standing there, eye sockets blown wide while his mouth was slightly parted. He looked as he usually did, in his weirdly coloured coordinated suit and hat.

"hey tío." Leo couldnt keep his voice from wobbling when he met his uncles gaze, couldnt keep his bottom lip from wobbling out of a smile either when the skeleton yokai handed one of his workers the tray he was holding and brought leo in for a tight hug.

He squeezed back tightly, "im sorry for not popping in for a while, you didnt give me booth away to some grubby rando did you?" he joked, voice barely above a whisper.

"Cállate, muchacho estúpido," leo giggled wetly at that, shoulders shaking as he hiccupped.

"im really, really sorry," he whispered.

Hueso pulled away, still holding the blue turtle in his arms, boney hands on leos striped shoulders, "leonardo, breathe."

"I am eternally grateful that you are here, and thank you for finally coming to see me," hueso wasnt often someone you would call 'soft and mushy', but leonardo is so small in his eyes. Like a son, his son. And he would do absolutely anything from his family, call it a trait he got from his upbringing, but it was true. And leo had weasled his way in there. His wife loves his little blue turtle teenager that adores him, thinks its the sweetest thing in the world. Hueso Junior thought the fearless ninja was the coolest guy to ever exist, wants to be exactly like him when he gets older.

"Sit down, i will bring you food. Garlic knots, donatello?" Hueso asked, turning to the purple brother. "That will be fine, thank you." The skeleton yokai nodded and walked away.

"Don--"

"I know you dont want to eat, but however it is conveniently snack time," the genius interrupted, directly looking at leo.

It made him squirm and look down, "i know, but.." he trailed off, picking at the skin around his nails; he needed to repaint them.

"Just one or two, and then you dont have to eat again until breakfast," donnie eased, grabbing his twins hand to prevent him from making himself bleed as he usually does. "Okay?"

Leo churred lowly, "okay," he whispered in response.

Hueso was back quite quickly, with a basket of uniquely savoury, but slightly sweet dough, taking a seat across from the twins.

"So pepinio, how are you?" The boneman asked, watching the way leo hesitantly took a bite out of a garlic knot.

"okay, i guess," the boy responded helpfully.

"Mateo stopped by last night, said you were feeling unwell. he said his boy was with you, alvarez junior."

Leos lips quirked up slightly at the mention of the snake yokai, "yea milo, he stayed the past couple days to... help look after me, i guess? i got sick again, and uh... yea," he explained messily, making donnie roll his eyes and eat his own share of the food.

Hueso quirked a brow, "right... well, i am glad you are alright now," he said anyways.

"Yes leonardo is perfectly physically alright, mostly," donnie commented helpfully.

Hueso eyed the boys, making leo shove his brother, "im okay tío, ignore don, hes stupid."

"Offended disagreement."

"Just shut up and eat food"

"Take your own advice"

"Pepinio, while i am glad you are no longer feverish, i think maybe we should talk, sí?" Hueso interrupted, cutting off the boys petty bickering. He had seen some fights from the twins; they're teenage boys, he expects nothing less. He has heard the most out of pocket mierda come out of their mouths he considered never letting leo babysit junior again.

And then there were the physical fights on the restaurant floor that he has had to break up by tipping a jug of lemonade on the two.

Leo hesitated, trying to blubber excuses and answers to avoid talking about his feelings again today. Because one? Ew, and two?

He cant fucking lie to his tío!

Hes tried, he reckons bone man is literally psychic because no matter what the lie is, hueso never believes it.

"I am going to wait in the turtle tank so you two can talk," donnie suddenly announced, standing up from the booth. "I am also taking these," he grabbed the basket of snacks, shoving one in his twins mouth before saying "ttly" outloud and leaving immediately.

Yep, donatello and leonardo. Definetly the disaster twins.

"Alright sobrino, talk."

Leo took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to tell him. Trying to explain himself without sounding psychotic and like he needed serious mental help. The fact that he probably did was besides the point.

"I tried to kill myself," clearly he took a direct approach.

"Its not the first time, and it might... probably not be the last. uhm, nobody knew i tried before though until that night when i randomly showed up here acting kind of crazy. sorry," he blurted out, avoiding the elders gaze and shoving food in his mouth.

There was no sick feeling at the moment, ths food actually tasted yummy. The feeling of it was bittersweet; he enjoyed not feeling sick, being able to actually consume food, but he felt ashamed for eating. It was a healthy cycle of constant tug of war.

Hueso was silent for a long moment, and leo was prepared for a lecture, possibly yelling and a sandal to his head.

What he wasnt expecting was a comforting hand on his, or a soft, gentle voice accompanying it. "I wish you would have spoken to me about these feelings, rather than acting on them so harshly. your life is more valuable to the people around you compared to what you may believe, pepinio," He said simply, slowly and sincerely. Leos throat ached and bobbed pathetically, merely nodding his head irrhythmically to communicate that he understood.

"It is late, i will let you go home and rest. I would offer for you to stay and chat longer as I am about to close, but leonardo you look exhausted and junior will cling to you and never let you rest if I bring you home tonight," he explains smoothing, ensuring that his turtle teen doesnt think hes trying to get rid of him.

"So come by again soon. my ears are always open to you, mi hijo" Oh, leo couldnt help but tear up at that. "For little old me? What about your heart?" he asked teasingly, knowing senor had neither a heart or ears. A soft sob escaped as a laugh while the skeleton yokai snaked himself around the booth so he was next to leo, chuckling softly.

"Yes yes, tu pequeña tortuga codiciosa. My heart is also forever open to the likes of you," hueso promised, letting the younger fall into his embrace the moment the first tear left his magenta eyes.

He shushed the boy comfortingly, rocking them softly as he would often do when junior had a nightmare.

"I am so proud of you pequeño," leo blew raspberries of love and disgust, his own way of preventing himself from crying more. Hueso understood and chuckled again, patting the blue turtles shell, "yes yes i know just as you have told me before, I am much to old and heartless for the mushy feelings."

Leo let himself be held for a couple more minutes, enjoying the comfort from an adult. When he pulled away, he smiled gratefully at the elder. "Thank you tío, i love you a super duper mega supreme amount," he claimed childishly, to where hueso just agreed with an eyeroll.

He waved the boy out, watching as he left to make sure he got to his brother safely before going back into his restaurant.

"Ready to go?" Donnie asked upon leos entry, watching as he sat in his seat and ignored the seatbelt. They were only there for raphaels peace of mind, the twins definetly didnt use them.

"Yea," leo replied simply. "Thank you," he added quickly after, curling up in his chair and closing his eyes.

He didnt elaborate on what exactly he was saying thanks for, but donnie already understood, "any time brother."

-

"Everything went fine raph, he simply fell asleep in the tank and wasnt awoken by a simple call of his name, so i found it best to carry him inside rather than wake him up." Leo heard the distant voices of his brothers, all three of them, mind heavy and not fully comprehending the voices as of yet.

He could feel himself being carried, most likely by his twin, and kept his eyes shut.

What? He likes eavesdropping, sue him.

"Okay, raphs accepting that answer"

"How is he?"

"Quite calm, his hypothesis might be correct. Irrelevant information for right now. He seemed... weird, im not sure. Its plausible he was just tired though"

"Thats good atleast"

Their voices were hushed as they spoke, eventually agreeing with donnie that he should deposit leo into his bed before they woke him up.

Raph had followed the middle children into leos room, and after donnie placed leo in his bed he immediately began tucking him in just like he used to when they were tots.

When the snapper went to leave, leo weakly gasped one of his hands, mind heavy with sleep as his eyelids stayed closed as if weighed down.

He could practically hear raphs smile as he came closer. The floor creaking as the eldest took a seat on the floor was the last thing leo heard before he fell back into slumber, his arm resting on the bed properly.

The sliders hand was barely big enough to hold raphs palm, so his limp hand was currently weakly grasping his thumb. The snapper couldnt help but tear up; leo used to hold raphs thumb continuously when they were younger, mostly when he wanted comfort and security from his biggest brothers presence, which raph was always ready to offer.

It makes him sad that he grew a part from his little brother. But hes determined to fix that.

Chapter Text

Leo woke up slowly, his mind adapting to the feeling of being awake. His ceiling fan was going, most likely on the lowest setting simply for the noise. Leo could hear it.

His eyes were shut as he rolled over, enjoying the soft comfortability that came with the nest of blankets covering his entire body. It was something the family liked to call caving, a common occurence in the hamato household.

When he opened his eyes, half-lidded while he waited for his blurry vision to focus, he realised for the first time in a few days - he had awoken all alone.

His room was dark, illuminated lightly by the day cycle lights donnie installed years ago, mimicking the brightness of the surface. Mikey thought it would be cool to install them like windows, painting oddly realistic wood onto their walls, to which leo then proceeded to cover with curtains that blocked out majority of the light.

He liked the soft darkness of his room. Its so familiar that its become comforting; the story of his life.

He hummed and reclosed his eyes, knowing he might not be able to go back to sleep but he just had the best unconcious, not drug induced rest hes had in a long time and he certainly didnt want to crawl into reality yet.

He brought his arms out of the layers of blankets, stretching high towards the roof. He spent a few seconds stretching, listening to his shoulders pop and elbows creak while he examined his nails. The colours were mostly worn off, and while his nails themselves were quite healthy and probably due to be cut, around them his skin was picked at and sore, red with little wounds that havent scabbed or healed yet.

He rolled over and grabbed his phone, realising by the time he had awoken he had already slept through breakfast, and lunch as well by the looks of it. Hes half surprised his brothers let him sleep this long, and half grateful that they did.

But he cant get rid of the sinking feeling of being left alone again.

Sure, hes accustomed to it. He usually grew up with one of his brothers stuck to his side, mostly his twin as they stuck together always. But as they grew older, leo started being left alone a lot more.

Leo started leaving to be alone a lot more.

He split away, and then they formed the mad dogs and he was even more outcasted, he grew older and more aware of authority and challenged his father.

Then the prison dimension came, and he died.

Over,

and over,

and over.

Alone.

He doesnt think he ever told his brothers about the time difference between their dimension and the prison. There was the other day, when he had accientally mind-melded. He possibly had shown them all the ways he has died, but he also doesnt think they ever considered he was in there for longer than four minutes.

At first, he never thought about it either. Sure, maybe it wasnt four minutes, maybe it was fourteen, or forty. But the more he thinks about it the more he realises that surely he didnt run and hide and die over and over that many times in such a small time frame.

The prison dimension isnt a thing in leos life he likes to get to lost thinking about, so he returns to the main thought: he was left alone again.

After he healed, mostly, he was left alone again.

He wanders the surface and the hidden city alone. He sits in his room alone. He sits in the kitchen alone. He sits in the living room alone. He sits in the club alone.

He sits with his family, and yet he still feels alone, most the time. When he doesnt, the feeling of being loved ends up so inordinate that he just wants to crawl into a hole that only he can fit in and have his bones melt so his flesh and organs would sit in a vile little puddle--

Raph stuck his head in the door and smiled when he saw Leo had his eyes open. "Hey buddy, you're awake finally."

Leo met his gaze; although his mind was awake and fuzzy enough to picture himself dying in an oddly gruesome way, he didnt put together that what his brother had said implied he had been checked on, multiple times.

Low churrs bubbled in his throat as his only response, feeling far too... non-verbal, he guesses, to offer more of a response. His body hadnt had a chance to sink into being awake yet to do more than think about the overwhelming expectation of forming words.

Or maybe it still hasnt gotten used to being alive.

Raph didnt seem to mind though, taking it as his que to enter the room, crossing the length of the space easily with his long legs. He knealed down next to the bed, much like last night, even though he was the only one who remembered it.

"Still half asleep huh?" The snapper mused, placing his hand on the youngers head to subtly feel for a temperature.

Leo, with his body more awake now, sat up, rubbing at his eyes and yawning widely. He cooed lightly when raph chuckled at him, standing up and holding his arms open.

The slider simply held his arms up half-heartedly, letting the taller scoop him up. He pointed to his draws, holding out two fingers and watching raph as he opened the second draw, "socks?"

Leo nodded a reached for them, lazily tugging them onto his feet and resting in raphs embrace, letting him carry him out of the room.

The rest of the lair was lighter compared to leos potentially gloomy room, it definetly helped wake him up fully.

His youngest brother came into view, their eyes meeting and mikey immediately brightening. "Leo!"

He bounded over, not waiting for leo to fully be put down, jumping into raphs arms and wrapping himself around the slider. "Good morning!" he chirped, letting raph put them both down and chuckling as mikey dragged him.

"Come look, you woke up just in time to see my finished painting," mikey said, happily filling the silence coming from his brother, but that was mostly considering he hadnt noticed the lack of one-liners yet.

"Ta-da!" he said, revealing a large canvas on the ground surrounded by stray paintbrushes, tubes of paint and other items in mikeys diverse art supply collection. The canvas was beautifully coloured, leo could never mistake the artistic flare of his younger brother for any other creator.

They turned to eachother, mikey harbouring a wide smile that leo returned, but didnt quite match. He did however pull his hands up, signing insistently.

'Its really beautiful mikey, as usual'

The box turtle grinned and thanked him, but gave a curious look, "you non-verbal?"

Leo gave a crisp nod, he wasnt entirely sure, but it was easier to say yes rather then explaining. Usually it was donnie who went non-verabl, and leo was the exact opposite - hyperverbal, majority of the time, since the moment he started talking. So when he wasnt speaking, it was often concerning but chalked up to the selective mutism that came with his anxiety.

Leo wasnt sure why he wasnt talking. Usually theres a reason. Something overwhelming, a situation or people. Something wrong that just becomes all too anxiety-inducing and triggering an incapability of speech.

He could speak, most likely, it might come out wobbly and forced. But he just... got unnerved when thinking about it, so he thought better not test that theory right now until he decided to flip and be comfortable with it again.

"Is there anything triggering that we could help with?" Mikey asked worriedly, ever so helpful despite the fact leo shook his head.

"Are you sure buddy?" Raph asked, walking over with his eyes furrowed.

Maybe it was because of the flashes of death in his mind as soon as he awoke, taking advantage of his delicate mental state.

Maybe it was the sinking feeling of being alone plaguing his mind. The all too aware feeling of knowing it wasnt the solitude he hated, it was the isolation.

Maybe there was just something seriously psychologically wrong with him.

Leo shook his head again, not having the words to explain, instead asking where his twin was.

"In 'is room with april," raph said helpfully, not stopping leo when he thanked him and walked away.

Before he made his way to the bedroom, leo decided he wanted water; seeing the murky paint cup made him realise how thirsty he was. (In the least disgusting way possible.)

When he entered the kitchen his father was in there, sipping on tea while reading an magazine from some sort of new york gossip website he'd subscribed to.

He looked up at the sound of footsteps, ear twitching slightly. He smiled when he caught sight of his son, watching how he signed goodmorning.

"Not that its morning anymore, but hello my son," the rat man teased lightly, patting the chair next to him. "Come, sit while i fetch you a teacup," he said, hopping off his chair and towards the lower cupboard where he kept his most prized porcelain, fishing out one for his son before returning to the table.

"Here you are, make it how you would like," splinter placed the cup next to leo who was now sitting, gesturing to the milk and sugar already on the table.

They both sipped on their tea, "did you have a good time with your brother last night? When I saw he was home I was going to ask you, but you were asleep," his father hummed casually.

Leo wanted to be happy his father was starting to show his care and concern for him, yet all he felt was a bittersweet, almost irritation, at the perfectly regular show of parental affection.

It uneased him.

But he pushed that feeling down anyways, it was something he'll acknowledge on his own and never tell a single soul about. It wasnt fair to bring up, and it was definetly dramatic of him.

So he nodded his head yes, speaking very quietly, "the water was nice."

"You do not have to force yourself to speak at the moment leonardo, I do not mind. I understand your little three fingered signs," his father assured, brows furrowed slightly.

Leo knew that, (he was semi-conciously aware of the fact), but he wanted to speak to his dad. This is all hes ever wanted; casual conversations over tea about leonardos day, his father listening and offering appropriate responses as he spoke. He never asked for anything more, and he wasnt going to go out of his way to ruin it for himself.

Even though he wanted to, even though the urge was there, he wasng going to. Because it wasnt just for him, it was for younger him. It was so much easier to do things for himself if he said it was for a little, vulnerable red earred slider named leonardo. As if he was an entirely different person, because when he does imagine the smaller child version of him in the past and looks at him through the lense of 'this isnt me', all the hatred went away.

It was replaced with the most soul-numbing sadness he's ever experienced, because why would some poor little kid who just wanted to be loved have to go through all this--

"I know, its okay," the slider replied, smiling softly and taking another sip of his tea.

Splinter nodded; hes sure his father finds it odd to see him so quiet considering he was always the chatterbox of the family - the social butterfly.

"Red told me you also went to see senor hueso. How did that go? You have not been to run of the mill for quite some time."

"It was good," leo said immediatly, the soft smile sticking to his face as he spoke of his uncle. "It was late, so I didnt stay long. But im gonna go back soon so i can explain things to him a bit more," he explained openly, chest swirling with the feeling of honesty pouring out of him.

Splinter hummed in understanding, "so he was worried for you, the little blue turtle who loves getting himself into trouble?" He mused, chuckling when leo churred in response and sipped on his tea.

When they both finished, splinter started cleaning up, swatting at his son with his tail when he attempted to help. "Run along blue," he said with a smile.

Leo accepted, smiling and turning to leave, "thanks dad, love you," he said, flashing a bright smile before leaving.

He had this, constant and probably anxiety related-- urge, to thank people after he hung out with them. Not in the polite way, in the 'i am SUCH a chore to be around im so sorry thank you for putting up with me i appreciate you more than life itself" way. A feeling he usually ignored because ew what a fucking weirdo.

But this was his dad, so he decided it was fine.

He walks to his twins room, silently getting past his eldest and youngest brother without conversation. When he enters he hears donnie and april talking about something, hes not sure what yet, its not really a topic that generally strikes him as interesting.

But they're both quick to notice their blue coloured brother, april immediately waving him over to the bed and offering a hug, "hiya baby blue."

"Morning," he hummed, accepting the hug without hesitation, climbing into donnies bed and scooting in between him and april obnoxiously.

"Its not morning," donnie corrected, petty as ever. Forgetting this was his twin he was offering trivial remarks to, he pulled a face of disgust when leo blew the loudest raspberry at him, sticking his tongue out. The softshell rolled his eyes at leos crude behaviour, while april snorted and patted his shell. "Just say goodmorning don, its not that serious."

"Well maybe nardo should use the accurate greeting of 'good afternoon' and i wouldnt have to correct him," donnie argued, not heat to his voice as he fed into the playful bickering.

"Well," leo started, snickering when april cursed softly. "Maybe dee shouldnt be such an inbred--"

"Im sorry, what the absolute fuck do you mean inbred?"

"Sorry, cuntolothus."

"WHAT IS THAT?!"

"Are you having an identity crisis? You seem very confused about yourself this morning," leo replied, pulling a confused face while ignoring aprils cackles.

"Okay argument A. cuntolothus isnt a word. Argument B. it is not. MORNING." Donnie argued insistently, no longer acting playful but as if he was fighting in a war.

God leo loves fucking with his brother.

"Argument C. if i am inbred so are you, so who are you really insulting here. Argument D--"

"Deez nuts!" Leo yelled, an automatic response that he didnt even think about.

"You are so incredibly insufferable," donnie hissed.

Leo hummed, "you're just mad you're a left-nut-sack-kid."

"New and improved argument D. nothing you are saying makes ANY sense."

"Nice argument. Unfortunately, yo mama"

"Alright," april spoke, an amused smile on her face. "Enough you little shits, before this turns physical. I am not doing that today, nuh uh," she said playfully.

"Its still not morning," donnie murmured grumpily.

Leo felt words slip from his mind, bringing his hands up in the air to sign, 'dad said that'.

"You spoke to dad?" The softshell asked curiously, not mentioning how suddenly his brother stopped talking. April could see he was curious about more than jusy the conversation with splinter though.

'over tea,' leo specified, making a 'so and so' gesture. He layed down along the bed, making sure to blindly wiggle his fluffy toes at donnies face as he stretched, before settling into a comfortable enough position.

He’s finished talking, April understands. The guys have sometimes trouble understanding that, mostly mikey and raph, but with someone as wily as Leo, it’s damn near impossible to make him speak if he doesn’t want to. And that’s fine - she’s always accepted it and respect his space.

"Comfy hun?" She mused, cooing when he purred happily and shut his eyes.

He felt himself start to drift off when there was a knock at the door, "leo? Its time for breakfast," raph called.

Leo didnt make any effort to move, hoping they would just leave him alone.

But he couldnt be so lucky. Donnie reached over and pinched leos striped cheek, making him whine and swat blindly. "Get up." He shook his head, eyes still closed stubbornly.

"Come on buddy" Leo lied still, hoping to sleep his way through having to eat. He knows now that they have a schedule it wasnt going to work, but he can still try. He doesnt have it in him to just accept food constantly without trying to prevent the extreme nausea that comes with it, especially at breakfast time.

"I'll make you anything you want," april tried to convince, as if he wanted food.

It wasnt even about the calories anymore, being able to eat normally would be a literal gift, heaven on earth. Hes too active to not maintain the slim figure that hes used to.

He just cannot for the life of him get rid of the queasiness that comes with the thought, the insistent feeling of needing to vomit after eating and the ambivalence that clings to the sensation of his stomach being empty.

But still, he sat up, signing with exasperation as his signed, 'only so you leave. me. alone.'

Thats when he got up to leave, walking out of the room and towards the kitchen, leaving his brothers and april behind as he all but ran there.

The unjustifiable irritation that came with being around people who worry about him was back, but as he acknowledges that feeling in his head he realises that its not them, its him.

It comes with being loved.

So he walks through the kitchen to the fridge to retrieve a banana, feeling like hes carrying bags of bones as he walks and attempts to ignore the incessant impending doom that attempts to weigh him down.

God, hes tired. Can it just let him go?

-

Later in the day didnt change much, leo couldnt bring himself to do more than watch his phone and the TV. He watched the end of the fucking world, then rewatched i am not okay with this, read atleast three angsty fanfictions, ate what was in his opinion way too much food, and avoided his brothers trying to talk emotions with him every single time they tried.

There wasnt anything wrong, theres never anything wrong. Theres like, no problems in his life! Thats the problem. Theres nothing making him so royally messed up.

Sure theres sexual assault, emotional neglect. Hes autistic, has adhd and severe anxiety. Boo hoo. That doesn't explain why hes so UNEXPLAINABLY miserable.

Okay sure, it sounds like it does - but it just doesnt.

Now it was later in the night, and leo wanted to back to huesos. He felt like he owed him more of an explanation, and he was really missing when he could just sneak out whenever he wanted. He needed a change of scenery.

Then he remembered: he doesnt actually care if his brothers give him permission or not. Hes fifteen, fuck it.

So he pulled on a pair of graffittied grey jeans, a brown zip up hoodie, and his hightops he had specifically made to fit his feet. He usually didnt wear shoes, which is why he only had one pair, but he didnt want to take his socks off because it was cold outside - so shoes it is.

Leo grabbed his phone, phone charger, and one of his swords, leaving with his bedroom door shut.

He almost didnt run into any of his family before leaving, until his twin appeared. "Where do you think you're going."

Leo signed, saying he was going to see hueso. His signs directly translated to uncle bone, which made him think about how important context was in a conversation using TSL.

"Alright. Lets go," donnie accepted immediately, walking towards the exit of the lair.

Leo, without thinking, reached out and grasped the scientists hand, tugging him back. "Just me," he said quietly.

"Not to be an asshole nardo, or to imply we dont trust you, but I dont trust you," donnie deadpanned, not seeing the need to over-explain just to potentially spare his brothers feelings.

"Did you reinstall a tracker in my skin?" Leo asked.

Donnie shook his head, eyes flickering down to the ground before coming back up, "no. You had made it very clear you did not want a tracker in you. For the record, none of the others have trackers. I installed yours for the simple fact that your portals were unpredictable," he explained sincerely.

Leo nodded, letting his brothers hand go and walking past him. "I have my phone charger, and if i go anywhere else ill text you," he said, continuing to walk towards the exit of the lair without a second glance at his twin.

Donnie was still following him, annoyingly persistent as always. "That isnt reassuring."

"Donnie." Leo turned around, stopping in place and staring at his brother. "Im fine. Ive been doing things like this, alone, for years now. All im doing is going to run of the mill, to see hueso. And i dont care what you say," he said, gesturing to his sword, "im still going."

They both held eye-contact for a while; leo was use to the uncomfortability that comes with it, being the face man and all, and donnie was too stubborn to let it disadvantage him.

But eventually, one of them gave in.

"Fine," donnie huffed. "If you start to feel ill, or something happens, dont be dum, or portal. Just call."

Leo offered his trademarked smile, slicing through the air and basking in the familiar mystic buzz that coursed through his body. "When have i ever done something dumb?" He said, stepping through the porral without another word.

-

"Alright pepinio, im listening."

The restaurant was quiet, only a few customers left in the entire space. It was late on a tuesday night, near closing hours with the sun down and reflecting its light off of the moon.

Leo and Hueso were seated at the sliders regular booth, a plate of churros on the table that he couldnt help but sit and eat. "I havent been okay for a while."

The skeleton yokai doesnt move, doesnt pull any sort of face that tells the younger he needs to shut down and leave. "Is it because of the invasion?" Hueso asked carefully.

"No," leo shook his head lightly. "Its been like this since before that. I guess I've just gotten worse the more I... acknowledged and indulged in the things in my head." He tries to explain, never really having put it into words before.

"What is making you feel this way?" Hueso asked, not demanding or accusatory.

"Thats the thing," leo didnt mind the questions in place of silence, because forming answers to small questions were so much easier compared to on the spot explanation. "I dont know. Theres stuff with my dad, my brothers, childhood things that i realise now werent just me being a silly kid and it actually had an impact on me," he went on. "The invasion. I was uh..." he felt his throat close, gulping and trying to ignore the phantom of something crawling up his shell.

Hueso looked at him quizzically, waiting for him to continue. "I was hurt, by some guys."

"What do you mean hurt?" The elder pressed without hesitation, an underlying tone that leo was too nervous to think about.

"They, uhm... there are two different times, i guess... and I..." the blue turtle stuttered through his explanation, trying to find the words to explain because he couldnt come out and say it. He couldnt, not now atleast.

"You do not have to tell me," hueso assured, brow bone twitching when leo shook his head.

"I want to tell you, its just hard." Leo takes a deep breath, and his tío is silent, waiting. Sounds spooky. He almost wanted to laugh at his inner-monologue.

"This guy got hold of me and wouldnt let me go, his friend helped him. And it was... scary," he explains slowly, trying to keep himself from exploding on the inside with the amount of impending doom lurks in all his veins.

"And then the other guy, well... I was really, really wasted in a club that night. I think someone might have drugged me, maybe him, because I couldn't move. And I guess he thought I was p--pretty and had to have me or some--something?" Leos voice cracked, bottom lip wobbling as he laughed to ignore the stray tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Im sure you can imagine what happened next," he huffed out, sniffling and smiling sullenly. "But uh, moral of the story was theres all these things wrong, but they dont always actively affect me, or havent always. So I feel like im uncomfortable with everything every single day."

"Do you want to die?" Hueso asked gently. He knows thats a confronting question, but he needs to know.

"The idea of dying doesnt... scare me, I guess. Ive died heaps of times in the prison dimension--" he pretends he didnt see the small flash of horror on the skeletons face. "But its not just being alive im uncomfortable with, its existing. Its everything. I cant leave, I cant stay. I dont want to stay--"

Leo takes a deep breath, to stop himself getting too worked up, focusing on the pattern; inhaling deeply through the nose, using the muscles of his rib cage. He focussed on how it tightens and flattens, air sucking into his lungs. It was the opposite for breathing out, relaxing the muscles and naturally expelling carbon dioxide.

"I just dont know," he sighed, slumping into the longue-like chairs. "I think its one of my main problems."

"I know life has been very unfair to you, and you are only un niño pequeño," hueso started, seeing the boy looking at the plate of food and reaching for one of the sweet treats himself.

"Forgive me, I could be wrong. But possibly you think that there must be something more, because your feelings and experiences have been overlooked and invalidated your whole life." His eyes held unfeigned fondness that leo wanted to curl up over, the result of him acknowledging it being far too overwhelming to not react drastically.

"Hijo you may be an annoying child, but you do not deserve any of what you have gone through."

"But--"

"No." Hueso held up his hand, eyes sharp and persistent. "No buts. You do not deserve any of it. And it is truly horrible, it is unfair, it is cruel. I am sorry no one thought to protect you, a child, but I am always here."

Hueso didnt tell him to get over it, to think about the future. To learn and grow and focus on getting better. To try and convince him it wasnt the end of his life, which as much as he loves his brothers and knows they're trying to help but there's only so much talk of getting better and avoiding the happenings that he can take.

His uncle just acknowledged it. There wasnt any great attempts to make him feel better about it, and as much as leo had been trying to ignore everything because acknowledging it has gotten him nowhere-- God, it was such a bittersweet relief hearing someone say how horrible it was. It offered a comeback for when he tried to convince himself it wasnt that bad and he was being dramatic, because thats something he does all the time. Even when in tears about it, "it wasnt that bad suck it up."

But it was that bad. Hes allowed to feel this way.

He had been crying since he made that connection with the bone mans words.

"Thank you," he mumbled, voice wobbling as he calmed his tears.

Hueso reached for the sliders hand, "cherish this show of affection pequeño verde," he said, an underlying playful tone that made leos lips quirk up instantly.

"I am always here. For anything. Remember that I am always here and my home is always open, sí?"

"Sí, tío," leo replied, unable to keep the small smile off of his face.

The bone man softened; leonardos voice had grown quiet and hushed, like a scared child. He only sees this side of the turtle on very rare, late nights filled with anxiety and insecurity. Episodic bursts of his burried self-conciousness where he questioned if he should be better.

He hated those times, because thats not the leonardo he knows and loves. The leonardo he knows and loves is so overwhelmingly kind to those in need, mixing it with his obnoxiously but admirable self-confident humor and pride. And hueso wasnt talking about the mask he put up, his turtle boy was genuinely learning to love himself at one point.

He wishes he could pull that boy out of the burning fire he sees infront of him, because this makes him feel nothing will be left.

There was a moment of silence between the two, calm and welcomed by both of them.

Leo hears his phone ding and sighs.

Don ton - are you on your way home yet?

"¿Tus hermanos?" Hueso hummed, rolling his eyes when the turtle groaned softly, sliding down in his seat and covering his face.

"I dont want to go home."

Hueso hummed in acknowledgement, standing up from the booth. "It is late. I am going to lock up and make sure all mi empleados have left. You are welcome to stay the night if you want, junior has been asking for you recientemente de todos modos," he said casually, walking away.

Leo smiled to himself, pulling out his phone and clicking on donnies contact.

Don ton - why did you leave me on read

Don ton - leo

Leo - im gonna stay at huesos tonight

The slider groaned when his ringtone started, "What?"

"Are you really going to huesos?" His twins accusing voice rang through the phone.

Leo rolled his eyes, "yes don. Hueso Junior wants a sleepover," he said as an excuse, not wanting to get into anything at the moment.

"Forgive me, I dont believe you."

"SENORRRRRR," leo called out, waiting for the bone man to appear.

"What pepinio," he sighed, arms crossed.

"Can you tell my brother that I am actually staying with you tonight and not lying to go get drunk or something"

"You getting drunk is the least of my conce--"

"Pepinio is in fact staying with me tonight, no te preocupes morado," hueso said helpfully.

"See don? Stop being a worrier. You sound like raph." Donnie was silent for a moment, before accepting the answer and hanging up.

-

The hueso family home was nothing special, but leo loved it. The space smelled like incense and the most delicious food, with the occasional mix of cleaning products. It was a average sized two bedroom home, which arguably wasnt much but it was all that was needed.

The slider always ended up on the couch or on juniors floor when he was over, but he didnt mind. It was comforting, being in a normal family household.

Huesos wife, Alicia, poked her head into the hallway at the sound of the door opening, smiling warmly when she saw her husband. She was a beautiful skeleton yokai, spiritual as well. Leo adored her.

"Hola mi amor, is Junior in bed yet?" He asked, both skeletons embracing eachother and sharing a kiss. Leo would've gagged mockingly if it wasnt for the fact that the two are literally perfect for eachother and in the healthiest relationship he has ever seen.

"No, I have let him stay up later tonight because he doesnt have school tomorrow as his teachers are going on strike. He has not even had a bath yet," Alicia said. She noticed the blue turtle and smiled tenderly, eyes widening in excitement.

"Oooo hola mi pequeño pepino!" she exclaims, pulling him in for a hug which he returned without hesitation. "I have missed you hijo, where have you been? Mi alma tells me you have not been well, I have been worried," she cooed, pulling him into arms reach. "Let me look at you, have you been eating enough? Too much activity? You look smaller than usual, and more pale. Dios mío," she murmers concernedly, taking leos striped face in her hands.

Leo smiles, holding her hands and gently pulling them down, "tía, estoy bien, dont worry," he assures.

She twinkles, patting him in approval and walking down the hall, "there is still pozole left from dinner, I will fix you a plate."

Leo looks to hueso, beaming at the skeleton yokai. He offers his own smile in return, both continuing down the hall to the kitchen. On the way the elder calls for his son.

"Papá you're home!" The little skeleton runs into the room, clinging to his father legs and smiling broadly at him. He turns to the other person in the room, noticing its his--

"Primo leo!" He cheers, bounding towards the turtle and jumping into his arms, "Where have you been?"

Leo catches the kid without hesitation, giving him a squeeze and holding him supportively. "Hola Júnior, you miss me? Ive been a little sick, but now that im better I came to visit."

"Can you stay over?" The child pleads, watching hopefully as leo pretends to think.

"You'll have to ask your mamá if its okay," he says, knowing full well hes allowed to stay any time.

"Chico estúpido, of course you can stay," she says, looking delighted just to have him around.

"Alright pepinio, go to the living room and eat," hueso shooes at him, watching as Junior grabbed the boys bowl and dragged him to the room over, already chatting his ear off.

"How is he really," Alicia asked Hueso, brow bones furrowing. "Dios mío, Hueso, he looks medio muerta. And where is his lovely blue mascarilla? He loves his blue."

"He is not well, mi amor. But he is alive, that is what matters."

"Cuéntamelo todo," so he told her everything the slider had told him.

-

"Mi hijo! Time for a bath!" Both boys heard Alicia's voice call out, just seeing her round the corner and smiling at her gently.

"Tía I can run Júnior a bath," leo offered, picking the little skeleton up and tossing him around.

"Mi dulce niño you do not have to do that, you look exhausted," and to be honest, he felt exhausted. But he wanted to soak up as much of his little friends happiness as he possibly could; his presence was like being near metaphorical sunshine.

"Yo insisto, Im okay. Go hang out with tío, señora worrywart" he waved her off, flashing her his trademarked smile before going to the bathroom.

He filled up the bath for junior, and then proceeded to play toy pirates for the next thirty minutes until the bath started to cool. "Alright hermanito, time to get out," leo said, his heart warming when the little one agreed without question. He was such a beautiful kid, a real angel. The slider has no idea why he looks up to the likes of him.

"Can we watch a movie in the living room?" Junior asked, the pleading eyes of a six year old piercing leos soul. As if he would say no.

He was about to answer when his phone started ringing; raph. "All good kid, you go choose the movie and ill be out there soon," he promised, continuing into the hallway while watching junior run into the living room.

"Hey raphie, you all good?" He answers the phone, a small smile on his face.

"Is raph all good?" His big brothers voice rings through, "are you all good?! You just randomly decided not to come home for the night, and you do that when somethings wrong!"

"Nothings wrong hermano, im having a sleepover with júnior. Its not that serious," leo explains, sighing at his eldests constant concern.

He understands where its coming from, again for the millionth time he knows hes been saved by them from an attempted suicide more than once, and hes fully aware hes openly admitted to the fact that he might try again (which at the moment he honestly doesnt plan on), but it just--

irritates him! Its like that saying, too little too late; they never cared what he did before as long as he wasnt messing shit up for them on missions.

"Alright. Fine, raph guesses thats fine. Oh-- wait-- pops wants to talk to you."

"Put him on then," leo agrees, hoping hes not going to get yelled at. Hes not in the mood, and not 'not in the mood' the way that he'll will get unbelievably pissed. Hes 'not in the mood' in the way that hes so incredbly tired he will hang up the phone and sob on the hallways carpeted floor where hes standing.

"Leonardo, are you with Senor Hueso?"

"Yes dad, Im at his house." Leo chooses not to mention that he could've gotten that information from any of his brothers, just to save a fight and not be a smartass for once in his life.

"Alright good, you come home tomorrow yes?" His second youngest wasnt aware, but splinter knew exactly where he was.

He just wanted to hear his baby blues voice.

Leo couldnt help but soften at his fathers tone, lightening his own voice, "yea dad, I'll be home."

"Good boy blue, alright. Behave,"

"Course I will, who do you think I am?"

"I am saying it because I do know you, I love you. Good night," leos throat tightens: I love you.

"Night, love you," he says, hanging up the phone and swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Tu padre?" Hueso asks, rounding the corner. Leo didnt know he was listening.

"Yea," the slider said, wiping a tear from his cheek and clearing his throat. "We talked...ish. And hes trying to do better at, well, showing that he actually loves me I guess."

Hueso stood still, unsure on what to say. But before he could respond, his son called out for leo.

"Oops, we're watching a movie," he says, smiling and leaving for the loungeroom.

-

Junior had picked to watch ratatouille , situating himself on the singular recliner with countless pillows.

Leo took the couch, talking the little skeleton into sparing two pillows instead of just one and lying down.

It wasnt that he wasnt enjoying the movie, hes seen it a million times, it was just the simple fact that he couldnt keep his eyes open. At some point junior must have noticed, and climbed off his lounge to sneak over to his friend.

"Primo? Are you awake?" The child asked quietly, standing infront of the seemingly asleep boy.

Leo felt slightly guilty, but he was so tired. So he kept his eyes shut, murmuring, "sí júnior."

"Then why are your eyes closed?" The boy persisted.

Leo heard footsteps, far too heavy to be the small skeleton yokais, and peeled his eyes open to see Alicia.

"júnior, leave pepinio alone. He is tired," she says, knealing down to look at her blue turtle properly.

Leo quickly picks himself up, rubbing his eyes and hazily trying to rid himself from sleepiness, "its alright tía, reall--"

"Callarse niño, lay down," she forces, pushing the slider back down onto the cushions. Leo didnt fight, already struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Cerrar," she instructs gently, brushing her hand over his eyes and watching as he doesnt reopen them.

Leo always thought her hands were suprisingly soft, but it made more sense the close he thought about it. Shes completely and unequivocally bone.

She started humming the lyrics to duermete mi niño, probably the most known lullaby in spanish leo thinks in the history of ever. And he wanted to protest, tell her that he wasnt an infant and she didnt need to do this.

But its nice.

So he lets her, slowly sinking into the couch more until he falls asleep. Its one of the rare nights he wasnt left to his own mind when drifting off, and he loved it.

He barely registered when she draped a thick heavy blanket over him, purring and snuggling into the warmth and security it brought him before fully crashing.

"Que duermas bien hijo mio."

Chapter Text

Leo was jumped on the next morning, much to Alicia's ordering junior not to wake the slider up.

He spent most the day there, fingerpainting, car racing, eating so much food he felt ill, and played pirates like, a million times.

Why do kids have so much energy? Where do they store it? He knows he was absolutely bouncing off the walls as a kid, but that was an ADHD thing. Juniors just hyperactive for the sheer enjoyment of it.

He was finally ready to go home, guiltily letting Hueso peel his son off him and walking away after saying goodbye.

Alicia walked him to the door, giving him a squeeze, "adios mi bebe, mantente segura. Please, if you ever need anything, you are always welcome here."

"Gracias tía," he thanked her, both of them letting go and waving good bye as he walked down the street.

Donnie had not long ago messaged him, asking when he'd be home. Leo told him he was leaving soon, and would probably be home within the next hour.

But he didn't want to go home yet.

Hes scared to go home, the unexplainably overwhelming urge to curl into a ball and forget he exists was at an all time high. Hes got no idea why, he was at home yesterday and nothing has happened for him to be anxious around being there. But he still felt all nervous, like a pressure on the inside needing to explode.

He guesses its just typical textbook anxiety symptoms, but they fucking suck, and he doesnt understand why hes experiencing it over such a trivial thing.

The first solution that comes to his mind is obviously suicide, because thats the first thing that comes to his mind in any situation.

The second thing is weed, but he cant smoke and then go home. Obviously. His brothers will absolutely notice.

But, there are edibles. His brothers will probably still notice, but he doesnt really care.

He'll just steal some, yea. He'll just portal into milos room, and sneakily borrow a single brownie! He knows the snake yokai has them, but if he outright asked for them milo will probably say no, or insist he stays with him, or tell his brothers-- and it'll just turn into something its not.

Leos just anxious, thats all it is. Its not some stupid addiction. If anything hes like, addicted to self harm or something. Not drugs, ew.

So he checks the time, making a portal directly into milos room. The snake yokai would probably be helping his uncle with works stuff right about now, so he wouldnt be in his apartment.

It doesnt take him long to find the stash of edibles, already knowing exactly where all the substances were.

He quickly portalled to the surface, situating himself on a random rooftop and all but shoving the brownie in his mouth.

He's not sure if he's better off alone or not.

Its quiet, its nice. Its sad seeing people who he's supposed to rely on, not be there, and then practically love bomb him.

Not that theres that many people in his life to begin with, he is a mutant turtle.

He sees his brothers everyday, but isnt around them constantly. He'll always be there for them though, anytime they need him.

April doesnt need him, and him not being around wouldnt affect her life that much. Its the same with casey and cassandra, and everyone else in the world.

Of course his dad has been trying, some times more than other times

But alot of the time he sits by himself. He'll just sit there without saying a word because no one would listen anyways.

But now suddenly they're on top of his every move.

Its too much.

Leo loves going on walks and runs, and usually try to see if someone wants to come with him, but he would often get ignored. Sometimes one of his brothers would come with him, and hes very grateful for them. He loves having them around, truly, but he cant bring himself to take them away from what they want to do all the time.

It isnt fair.

They all look so happy when hes not there. He dont need to be there. Hes not wanted there. Nobody, until recently, was ever having a conversation and thinking oh I miss Leo.

And in all honesty, he cant really blame them.

So thats what he did tonight. He walked away by himself. Went for a walk, ended up on the roof high and alone.

Today and last night was great, it was such a refreshing feeling being around Hueso and his family. They're so different from his own, so happy and healthy and full of life. And they've always wanted him around.

It was lovely just being genuinely wanted, no strings attached and no reason for it. They werent attaching themselves to him because they're scared he's just going to die the moment hes left alone.

He loved it more than anything.

He may be on this rooftop alone, high, but atleast the pressure was lifted off of his chest.

He may be on a alone on a rooftop, but atleast it wasnt him being on the run trying to kill himself.

He may be alone, but... atleast its his choice this time?

Leave everyone before they can leave you, right? Stay, and be disapointed again because you thought everyone would change when really everyone just hates you and none of it will ever sto--

"Leonardo!" He heard, turning his head to see donnie close by, hovering a couple metres away. He landed on the rooftop, walking over to his brother. "What are you doing?"

"How did you even find me," leo murmured, teary half-lidded eyes looking his twin up and down hazily.

"I tracked your phone. You said you would be home an hour ago. Are you high?" Donnie asked instantly, reaching for his brothers face trying to examine his eyes.

Leo let him, "brownies don," he said casually, as if it was obvious.

The softshells brows furrowed, "where did you get that? Was it from milo?"

"No," Leo immediately denies, not wanting to get his friend into shit with his brothers. He also didnt want anyone to know about him stealing, because then they'd question if he had stolen anything else. And he has, mostly definetly.

Donnie gives him a dubious look, if milo didnt give them to him then who the fuck did his brother get drugs off? "Seriously donnie, im fine," leo argued, pulling away from his twin.

The scientist wanted to get angry, he is angry, but when he actually looked at his twin that anger simmered. He was hunched in on himself, pale skin and watery, sunken eyes, littered in invisible scars.

The blue turtle wasnt fighting him right now, so he wasnt going to fight either. He couldnt bring himself to. "Nardo..."

"Im fine... perfectly- perfectly fine a-and normal" leo said, chuckling bitterly and wiping stray tears that finally leaked.

"he said concernedly with tears in his eyes and marijuana in his system, while sitting on a rooftop," donnie responded sarcastically, soft eyes watching his brother.

"pft- tears? t-these are fake... i- i dont know what you..." leo broke down in sobs. He was so tired, so sad.

So fucking alone.

"i--i dont know how--how to sto' being sad and it hurts" he heaved.

"I know," was all donnie offered, gently pulling him into his plastron. "We'll figure it out."

"I--I dont like being left alone," he garbled, completely limp besides the small shake in his shoulders.

"Then I wont leave you alone nardo," donnie promised. "I know it hurts. I know you feel alone."

"How do I make it stop dee," leo mumbles desperatly, hiccuping quietly and pulling away from the softshell so he could rub his eyes. "Im so tired," he sniffed.

Donnie could feel the sickness in leos heart, and the slider was right.

It hurts.

"We'll help you, I promise." The softshell didnt know what to say. He cant make this better, he doesnt know how.

"It was fine being miserable, okay. But its gotten worse. I feel like I cant breathe," leo murmurs, resting his head on his knees, half his face hidden as he looks at his twin, "and I cant turn it off this time."

He wasnt expecting anything from his brother, if he didnt know what was going on inside his head, how was donnie supposed to know? It wasnt fair for him to expect him to know.

The softshell was silent for a moment, speaking up quietly, "did you come up here... to do something?"

Leo churred, "no, I just came up here to get high."

"Why?"

He sighed, "my anxiety just got... really, really bad all the sudden." It was his only explanation, hes so tired of explaining himself.

Nothing he does fixes anything.

"Alright," donnie accepted, "can we go home now?"

"I'm still buzzed," leo hummed, "but sure."

Leo didnt really want to be at home, but he wasnt sure he wanted to be anywhere. So he guessed going home was the answer, standing up and making a portal.

Both he and donnie walked through, directly into the living room where both their brothers were.

"Finally you guys are home," mikey groaned when he caught sight of the two. "Are yous okay?"

"Perfectly fine miguel," leo hummed, removing his shoes and tossing them to the side.

The box turtle eyed him carefully, "then why do you look so..." he trailed off, eyes widening in realisation. "Are you high?"

"Only a little," leo admitted cooly, smiling even when both raph and mikey exclaimed. "WHAT?"

"What the-- Donnie why is leo high??" Raph asked worriedly, turning to the eldest twin.

Leo clicked and groaned, crossing his arms and frowning. "Raph im right here, why are you asking him?" He asked frustratedly.

"Maybe because you're high leo, thats why I wouldn't ask you," raph said disssapointedly. Leo rolled his eyes, ignoring the eldest.

"Why did you go and get high? You said you were going to come home," mikey asked calmly. He's agitated, leo can tell by the way his eyes are drawn together and hes staring as if he doesnt recognise the turtle in front of him.

Leo whined, "because i wanted to guys, because you dont get to control every aspect of my life and you know what?" He asked rhetorically, eyeing them with a raised eyebrow to see if they were going to say anything. "Its none of your business what I do."

Mikeys eyes widened in surprise before knitting together into a glare, "of course its our business! You're our brother, and we're worried--"

Leo growled, "everyones worried! Im so SICK of everyone telling me they're worried about me."

"Well maybe if you didnt do shit like this, we wouldnt worry!" Mikey hissed, walking closer to his brother and shoving an accusing finger into his plastron.

"Guys--"

Leo slapped his hand away, interrupting donnie trying to get the two to calm down. "Just leave me the fuck alone angelo! Stop acting like you're some fucking angel here to fix everything, you're not!"

"Dont you dare leo, its not fair you constantly taking this out on us," raph snapped suddenly, pulling mikey away from the the slider.

It almost looked like raph was protecting the box turtle from a villain, as if leo was going to hurt their youngest brother.

As if leo was a monster.

That only made him him madder, more resentful because his brothers just didnt fucking get it--

"ARGH" leo shouted frustratedly, clicking and tightening his fists so hard he felt the skin under his nails break and split. "I fucking hate being here!"

Mikey was struggling in raphs arms, trying to get to leo. "If you fucking hate being here with us so much maybe you should just kill yourself!" he screamed, but as soon as it came out of his mouth a look of horror washed over his face.

Leo stopped yelling at that too, ears filling with cotton. He could feel the stream of fresh tears dripping down his face, though he didnt care to wipe them away.

You should just go kill yourself.

He doesnt say anything as raph lets go of mikey, running to him, wrapping his arms around him and already sobbing mess.

You should just go kill yourself.

Hes sorry, he didnt mean it. Leo hears his little brother, he knows he didnt mean it, it came out so awfully wrong.

You should just go kill yourself.

The slider was silent for a while, listening to his brothers apologies and promises before sinking to the ground. A slow, light stream of tears rolled down his cheeks while he stared blankly.

You should just go kill yourself.

"leo? im suh-so s-sorry, n'ne 'f tha' w-w's true i promise, i-i" Donnie and raph were hovering close. The eldest looked almost conflicted on what to do, and his twin stood by at the ready, for anything.

His baby brother. You should just go kill yourself.

Sobs, leo covered his face with his slightly bloodied hands as he crumples in on himself.

"p--please say some-- something"

You should just go kill yourself.

"You're right" leo whispers wetly, pushing the box turtle away and standing up when he tried to wrap him in an even tighter hug.

"Wh-- Leo--"

You should just go kill yourself.

"I know you didnt mean it," leos voice wobbles and throat aches painfully. "Just leave me alone," he murmured

"Leo I--" Mikey wanted to cry harder, he was so regretful but still so mad.

"I said, leave me the fuck alone." Leo stumbled backwards, scowling at raph and mikey. When his eyes landed on donnie, they softened slightly, but immediately pulled away to walk towards his room.

Hes trying to be angry, trying so hard to keep the enraged feeling that was flooding his bloodstream-- but he cant.

Because his heart feels sick and heavy, like something is reaching into his chest and squeezing the organ mercilessly.

It was like his logical brain had been knocked unconcious and left to drown, languished and inconsolable in the emotional turmoil. And all it could do was cry one ceaseless thing.

Suddenly his father came into view, his face pinched with concern and confusion. Leo guesses he heard the yelling, most likely taken aback by it coming from his two youngest. "Blue, what--"

The slider pushed past his dad easily, carelessly as he muttered, "Not right now dad," almost running into his room, disoriented and distraught. His head was racing, mind screaming at him on replay like one of his old and damaged CD's.

You should just go kill yourself

You should just go kill yourself

You should just go kill yourself

You should just--

"SHUT UP," he cried collapsing on the ground and bringing his fists down on his head violently, over and over.

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP," he wailed, hoping that if he screamed and cried and hurt himself enough that his thoughts would stop.

Hands wrapped around his, he wasnt sure whose they were through his eyes tightly squeezed shut and unable to comprehend any sound coming from outside himself.

Leo didnt care who it was though, he didnt want them touching him. "DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME," he cried, flailing his limbs around until he was let go. He shuffled backwards as soon as he was free, only stopping when he hit a wall, or something that wasnt moving.

He was hoping, in some hysterical self-harming way, that if he pounded his head enough the screaming would stop. The crawling sensations would stop, the thoughts would stop, and everything would just be quiet--

Leo continues hitting himself, unexpectedly feeling his arms strike something, most likely someones hands. Hes about to scream at them again, but there's something on his head; headphones of some kind.

He still wants to scream and cry, or atleast more than he already is, but then he hears music in his ears.

"White hair and white shoes--"

The noise is unexpected, but he doesnt mind; its drowning out the thoughts. It takes him a moment to realise whats playing, Cabo by Ricky Montgomery.

Leo lowers his hands, flapping them in a more gentle manner compared to his previous violent outburst. He opens his eyes, still breathing heavily, and sees his twin in front of him. Hes atleast a metre away, brows furrowed concernedly and hands fidgeting infront of him.

"Ashes, ashes, dust to dust I think I've found a place for us--"

The softshells wrist-tech was open, and he wasnt wearing his goggles. Leo realises that he was probably wearing them, and donnie frantically looked through his spotify for one of his twins playlists.

"And I cannot say a word to you like this-- Wanna see you, wanna see you, wanna see you, wanna see you, wanna see you-- But I gotta resist--"

As leo looked around, he realised he was in his room, on the floor in the gap between the end of his bed and the wall. There was usully a clothing hanger there, but its been discarded to another part of his messy room on some other day. He knows his room is a mess, he tells himself every day that he'll clean it tomorrow. He just continues to put clothes on his bed, things on his floor and draws without a care. Just to crawl into bed at night.

There was no one else in there besides the twins, his door shut leaving the room illuminated by the dull lighting of tech and his covered day cycle lights.

When he turned back to donnie, the softshell was typing urgently on his phone, but immediately put it to the side when he saw his twins magenta eyes refocussed on him.

Leo couldnt hear anything but the musif playing in his ears, and donnie must have known, because instead of speaking he signed. 'Breathe'.

He inhaled deeply, not even realising he had been holding his breath, breathing out slowly and repeating the motion shakily.

Then the Alvin and the Chipmunks Witch Doctor started playing, and leo couldnt help but laugh. Donnie looked at him confusedly, before checking his wrist-tech and rolling his eyes at the song, small smile on his face.

Leos laughs very quietly turned into quiet crying, which he thought was funny that he was crying to an alvin and the chipmunks cover of a song from the fifty's, but laughing hurt. The music was making his already pounding head hurt even more.

Everything hurt.

But he couldnt think through the music, so all he could do was sit and cry through the agonising wretchedness poisoning his very soul.

Donnie draped a weighted blanket over his shoulders, sliding down the wall next to him and opening his arm for leo to lay his head on his shoulder.

Hes not sure how much longer he can take this, but for now he'll sit on the floor and cry.

You should just go kill yourself.

Just a little bit longer.

Chapter Text

Leos not too sure how long hes been sitting on the floor, his head resting on donnies shoulder. He couldnt hear anything but the music playing in his ears, and at first he had been counting each song he had listened to, just so he could keep track of roughly how long he was ignoring the world around him, but he gave up. It didnt really matter.

Donnie mustn't have been paying attention to what music was playing, because leo knows that if he did, he would have definetly found a playlist without his self-deprecating in his feels artists like The Crane Wives, or Mitski, or Conan Gray--

"Im carrying my bag of bones."

Usually, having absolutely no idea whats going on around him would stress him out. He cant hear a single thing, his peripheral vision was literally non-existent with his eyes closed. Thats already two of his main senses he relies on for everything, gone. So logically, he might as well just ignore the entire world and if natural selection wants to take its course then so fucking be it.

Hes not mad at anybody, hes just pissed off in general. He doesnt blame mikey for saying what he said, hes more worried about him. The younger looked so upset.

Honestly, go him for speaking his truth.

Leo should just kill himself.

There was a hand on his knee, light and gentle not to startle him. He opened his eyes, being met with the crinkled face of his dad, deep concern implanted in his wrinkled expression. His eyes flicker to donnie before returning to his blue son, tapping his ears.

"And I can take a little bit more--"

Leo understood, he must want to talk to him. So he lifted his head, not making any effort to move away from his twin, and shifted one ear of the googles off his tympana so he could hear.

"Donatello told me what had happened, are you alright?" The rat man asked gently, hand still resting on his sons knee.

Leo wasnt sure what to say to that. Was he alright? His automatic answer is yes, hes fine, but only because hes not sure what to say. But he goes over it in his head: hes not mentally stable, hes not happy at all, hes not the opposite of suicidal, hes not perfectly physically fine--

He shakes his head, he guesses hes not alright.

He wants to say he is, but by what defintion does that equal to alright?

Splinters face fell slightly, but he smiled, "thank you for being honest, I appreciate that. Is there anything I can do to make things easier for you at the moment?" He asked.

He must have been having sessions with doctor feelings lately.

Leo swallowed, bottom lip quivering, because everytime his dad is actually here he cant help but get emotional over it. But to be entirely fair, he gets that way with anyone actually being there for him.

"My head hurts," he mumbles, croaky voice barely above a whisper; his throat hurt as well.

"Alright," splinter says, smiling at the sliders voice, "I will get you a tylenol and a bottle of water. Is there anything else?"

Before he could wimp out, leo tapped a finger-spelled M to his mouth. He wanted to make sure mikey was okay, he was really upset.

His father hesitated, "michelangelo is in his shell with raphael, would you like me to get him?" Leo just tapped another M to his mouth, pulling the googles back over his tympana properly, reclosing his eyes and leaning his head back on donnies shoulder.

Again, hes not sure how much time had passed. He assumes his father spoke to all his brothers before him, which he doesnt take to heart. Hes been a little unresponsive.

Hes thinking right now, which isnt a surprise. Leos always thinking. Hes what people like to call a deep-thinker, (and an over-thinker, as well as a catastrophic-thinker), which confuses him a lot because how are there people who arent deep-thinkers?

How are you never considering all the options and possibilities? How are you not always asking why or contradicting anything, even yourself, with a 'but'? How can you not just have massive whirlpools of thoughts in your brain that all relate to eachother in sometimes such minuscule ways? How do you never experience your thoughts being too complex or fast for your brain to properly communicate to your mouth how to verbalise it? How are you not getting so lost in thoughts that you're daydreaming without realising? That you cant tell if you've imagined it or if it actually happened?

Leo may be the faceman, a chameleon of emotions and social class, a top tier liar and therapist-like advice giver, but there are people he just cant fathom actually existing.

When he feels another tap on his knee, he reopens his eyes, being met with his father once again. Hes holding out a bottle of water and a pill in one hand, and a box turtle shell in the other. Leo reaches out and takes the pill, swallowing it dry and taking a sip of water before holding his arms out to take his brother.

He removes the goggles, handing them back to his twin and cradling his little brother close to his plastron. "Purple, can I speak with you? Then I will return to speak to your brothers," splinter asked, watching as donnies eyes immediately flickered to leos.

"Go on D, its fine," the slider said, shuffling to let his twin get up and watching as both him and their father left.

Leo winced lightly at the way his tail hurt from sitting on the ground for so long, standing up and moving to sit on his bed, leaning against his bedframe and pillows. He looked down at the shell cradled gently in his lap, seeing it still hadnt grown limbs. He started humming and gently rubbing mikeys carapace.

"Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb," leo sung softly, voice gentle despite the rawness of his throat from screaming. "Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow," he continued

"Everywhere that mary went. Mary went, Mary went." Leo used to sing the nursery rhyme to mikey when they were younger, anytime the smaller was upset or scared, tucked into his shell. It always managed to get him out, just being with him. "Everywhere that mary went, the lamb was sure to go." He wasnt going to sing the whole thing though, skipping the end.

"Why does the lamb love mary so," he sung slowly, smiling sadly to himself, "mary so, mary so?" Mikey emerged from from his shell, glossy eyes meeting leos before burying himself in the olders arms.

"Why does the lamb love mary so? The little children cry," he finished, squeezing the younger tightly. They all say raph is a mother hen, but believe it or not that was leos nickname when he was little. He thinks they stopped around the same time he started saying he was a boy, not a girl.

"Im so sorry," mikey hiccupped, small voice cracking.

"Its okay," leo hums, already knowing theres more the younger wants to say.

"I do love you, I love you so muh-- much and I didnt mean it at all, I dont want you to-- to--"

The slider stops him, shushing his gently, "I know," he promises, "I love you."

Mikey pulls his head up, wiping his eyes and sitting on leos stretched out legs, fiddling with his hands, "it wasnt fair for me to say that to you, neither was raphs little comments but thats for him to deal with. I know this is really hard for you. Even though I was angry," he says, looking leo right in the eye, glaring, "im still angry."

Leo smile is small, but its there, "I know."

"Even though I'm angry," he continues, "im not just angry at you, I also think im angry at myself for not knowing how to help, and for not seeing that you've been struggling for a really, really long time."

"You dont need to be sorry for that, it's not your job to 'fix me' mike," leo assured quickly, guilt pooling in his stomach. "Im not the way I am because you didnt love me enough, or didnt do enough. You are enough," he swallowed thickly, keeping himself from crying. He couldnt right now, not while his baby brother was so distressed.

Nothing else has ever been about him, but this is. It is him.

"Its not your fault. Its in me." Leo lets mikey back into his arms, holding him comfortingly. He thinks the box turtles only hugging him so he doesnt have to show his face.

"Im still so angry with you. Donnie told us what you told him about the beach, how many times have you tried to leave? Why are you so insistent on leaving us behind? Do you really hate being here with us that much? Were we that awful to you?" With each question that bumbled out of the box turtles mouth, the tighter his hold on leo became. Desperate and scared and angry. Hes studied mental health, but he just cant make himself sit here and not let his little kid selfishness get the better of him. "Do you not understand I need you? We need you? Are you planning to try again?"

"No, im not." Leo let the lie slip off his tongue, a far too familiar feeling. He just started being honest, but look at where thats gotten him? "And im sorry. I mean it, i'm sorry for hurting you. You guys arent awful, none of this is your fault. Maybe... maybe you guys and dad havent made me feel the greatest, but its never been your fault." He thinks a couple people would beg to differ. His family had definetly impacted his mental health, a lot. The way they've treated him, the things they've said. But leo refuses to blame others, its his own fault.

He just needs to be better, or be gone. And being better isn't working.

Mikey just cries quietly, not letting his brother go. Hes sad, hes sorry, hes angry, hes sorrowful, hes guilty. Leo knows.

"Why are you so desperate to mess everything up," the younger hissed, shuffling his body so he was sitting back on top of his brothers legs.

Leo didnt mind, smiling sadly. "We accept the love we think we deserve," he hummed.

Mikey doesnt need words to say how horrible that was. He didnt need to explain how awful it was that leos self-worth was that low, that he felt he didnt deserve to be alive let alone be loved.

"We're not capable of living without you." Leo didnt tell him he was, go on a tangent about how mikey is capable of absolutely anything and how he doesnt need leo.

He doesnt say that they are capable oc livint without him, because hes not sure its true. Hes been holding the family together for years, weaseling his way around the behaviours and emotions of his family to keep the peace.

He took his dads anger, so it didnt consume him and so raph wouldnt take it on top of helping raise his brothers. He took his brothers in general, not only to help raph but to help their dad.

Leo spent countless nights crying tears for his dad, just incase he hadnt cried enough for himself, and also because he couldnt help it. His dad being sad hurt him like nothing ever before, all he wanted to do was fix it.

He aided his twins obsessiveness and uniqueness, learning how to help when donnie was having a bad day and adapting their environment to fit his oddly specific needs.

He indugled in mikeys creativeness and youngest child nonsense, keeping him from feeling too babied and brushed aside, but also keeping him safe and stimulated so it didnt overwhelm their older brothers. Because they really were a lot for eachother to handle.

Then he handled raphs anger and anxiety, so he didnt take it out on their siblings and then drown himself in the guilt of being a bad brother. It was a lot for him, on top of leo being a mix of his entire family; if you melted splinter, raph, mikey and donnie into a little pot and pulled out a turtle, you'd get leo.

Buts hes not sure if thats just him trying to be independent and helpful, or whether they actually need him.

He doesnt return the affection, saying that hes not capable of living without them either, because this isnt about him. Of course hes not capable of living without them, hes nothing without them.

He doesnt say that he not sure hes capable of living at all, either.

He has nothing to say, so he stays silent.

They're both quiet for a while, mikey didnt have anything more to say other than hes still angry and that he loves leo more than he'll ever know.

The slider didnt mind. The less he spoke, the less chance he had of upsetting someone, and the less he had to blatantly lie to make them happy. Because he really is sick of lying, which isnt something he thought he'd ever say.

It was quiet until they heard the door open, and leo looked over to see their dad. "Are my boys getting along?" he asked warmly, closing the door and making his way onto the bed.

"We're all good pops, I was just saying sorry for being an asshole," leo said, a smile on his face that was so clearly forced.

Splinter refrained from frowning at the change in the slider from when he was in here earlier. Its something he only just now realises hes noticed but never really acknowledged, and hes not too sure how he should feel about it.

"I was saying sorry for what I said, because it wasnt fair and I understand it was wrong," mikey mumbled, turning his head to face his dad, "I said a really mean thing."

Splinter hummed, "I heard. Im glad you come out of your shell to apologise." Mikeys cheeks went slightly pink, a sheepish smile on his face. "Yea..."

He yawned widely, peeking at leos alarm clock and eyes widening. "Woah, is that the time?" he asked, seeing how late into the night it actually was.

"Yes it is late isnt it. Perhaps it is time for bed orange," splinter encouraged, saying goodnight when the orange turtle agreed and left the room without another word.

Leo knows mikeys going to keep his distance for a bit, tonights talk was simply guilt eating him up.

His father turned to him, brows knitted together in worry. "I know I havent been the best listener, among other things, but leonardo please do not hide from me. Im still your father, I see the way you change your face for others," he starts, sighing at how exhausted the slider looks. "It reminds me of the day of the invasion, and if I am able to be honest that scares me."

"I'm sorry," leo utters, "I dont want to make anything harder for you, I've never wanted to--"

Splinter puts a gentle hand over his blue turtles mouth, a stern expression on his face, "hush. Let your old father speak for one moment," he says, sliding his hand down to leos striped cheek.

"I am not scared of you, or for myself. I'm scared for my family," he says, and even though leo wants to apologise over and over, he keeps quiet. His throat tightens too much to form proper words anyways, bottom lip far too wobbly to stop biting. "I am scared for my kind, gentle, beautiful sweet baby blue."

Oh thats fucked, leo cant keep the tears in. They overflow despite the fact he hasnt blinked, falling carelessly and being replaced almost instantly. "Fuck, dad all I ever wanted was for you to love me like you love them," he choked out, letting splinter bring his head onto his shoulder, too small for a proper hug, but holding him while he cried still had the same effect no matter the size. "I know."

The elder let out a shaky breath, "I know I havent shown it, but please believe me when I say I have never loved you any less than the others. Anything I have said out of anger was cruel and hateful, much like oranges comment today, but I cannot express in words how regretful I am for it."

"Then why would you love them so much and ignore that I exist," leo blubbers out, breath shuddering as his father pats his shell comfortingly.

"Because I was foolish to think that just because you were so independent and rebellious, you wouldn't need me," he explains, hesitant to say anything else.

"I see a lot of myself in you, from my teenage years," he starts, immediately being interrupted, "but you hated yourself," leo hissed wetly.

"Yes, and I think some of that hate was misdirected towards you. But it is only now that I realise, that I do not feel those things towards my younger self anymore." He explained, asking leo just to wait and listen for a moment.

"Because I see my younger self in you, my young boy. And you are kind, and lively, prideful, stubborn, funny, and an admirable leader and brother. Some of these things I might have been resentful of towards you, because I was definetly not nearly close to any of these things. I could never be as sweet and pure-hearted as you, baby blue." His voice was soft and sincere, leo realises they've had very few conversations like this. Once over draxum, another over the shredder, another after the invasion. Theres possibly a few more, but hes not sure.

"No matter what you or I do, or say, you are always my son and I am always your father." Leo didnt know what to say, he didnt have anything to say. Its going to take time, but atleast his dad knows what a fucking cunt of a parent hes been.

Atleast he loves him. Because for the longest time, the main reason hes felt so disgustingly unlovable is because the one person in the world who is by default supposed to love and nuture and care for him, didnt. How is anyone ever supposed to love him for him, if the one person whose supposed to have an unconditional affection for him, didnt?

"Im still angry at you. Im still sad because of you. I've always loved you with everything in me because you're my dad but it still hurts so much," leo sobs, not making any effort to pull away.

Splinter just hums, "I know blue, I understand."

After a few quiet moments, his dad speaks up again, "I think you should get some rest," he says gently, smiling when leo nods and sits up, sniffing harshly.

"Lie down and close your eyes," he said, lifting the covers for his blue turtle to climb under, snuggling into the several blankets and closing his eyes. Splinter stayed for a few moments, hand gently carressing his sons head before leaving to let him sleep.

But of course, in true leo fashion, he wasnt asleep. He couldnt, not while there was so much happening.

He had talked to mikey, the younger is mad at him for being an asshole and also for trying to kill himself. Which is fair enough, but leo told him he wasnt going to attempt again, and that he really is sorry.

Just because hes sorry doesnt mean hes going to stop.

Hes just going to go back to hiding it.

He thinks the conversation with his dad went good, all things considering a few months ago they would have just argued and never really gotten to the topic. It was never his goal to make splinter admit he was a bad father or anything, but it feels like a weight being lifted off his chest knowing it wasnt just him being an awful child with behavioural issues, but instead of just being a little hyperactive kid hes the fucking spawn of satan--

Sounds very dramatic, and absolutely just not plausible at all. But when you grow up believing something, even if you're less aware of that feeling when you grow older - because literally what the fuck why is his thought process so negative - it would still be there.

Consciously or unconsciously, that feeling doesnt go away. Its still engraved in his heart like a gross stain.

When he realises hes sad again, its like there's this rush of freezing water slamming into him.

He knows theres a difference between wanting to die, and not wanting to live. Not wanting to live is like he just doesnt like being alive, it hurts. Hes not actively trying to die but he also doesnt care if he did. Then wanting to die, trying to die.

Leo wants to die. And it scares him sometimes.

He scares himself.

Hes a liar. And he hates that his first instinct is to lie, to hide, to manipulate, to not trust. Its evil and sinful and just unethical-- and he hates that.

He hates that he drinks and does drugs, that he throws his body around just for 'fun'. That hes fifteen and has a body count he doesnt even remember. Its disgusting.

Hes so angry, and sad, pessimistic and overly gloomy (hidden under a blanket of sunshine thats only just transparent to the trained eye). He hates that, because hes supposed to be positive and uplifting.

Hes toxic.

He hates himself.

Eugh, boy. Leos getting in his head way too much, and the more he gets lost in his thoughts the more he realises how dangerous that is for him.

Hes clearly not sleeping right now, and the most plausible reason is because his mind is racing too fast. Theres too much for him to think about.

Then he realises his room hasn't really been used a whole lot recently, and as a result it smells too much like cold crummy metal and brick; lifeless empty space.

The mess of clothes helps, slightly, but in the poorly lighting it doesnt make much difference.

Before he registered the thought of 'I need to get out of here,' his panicked mind makes him move, and hes out of his room before he realises.

He was never allowed to relax in the prison dimension.

His first response is to portal somewhere safe, which he guesses is why one of his katana is in his hand at the ready. He doesnt want to unpack the way he doesnt recognise his home as somewhere safe, not today.

Leo immediately goes to make a portal to milo's, despite the fact that the snake yokai will absolutely be asleep at this hour.

But hes not sure he wants his family to wake up and him not be there, for him to make them worry.

For him to cause more problems for them.

So he weighs out his options: text, leave a note, see if his dad is awake, leave without saying anything--

bring a brother with him.

Mikey currently hates him, and leos trying not to acknowledge the sinking fear of their relationship being permanently ravaged because of his own uncontrollable awfulness.

Raph really didnt seem like he wanted a single thing to do with him, disssapointed and probably embarrassed to have leo as a brother.

That left donnie, who was the only one who didnt hate him at the moment. He wasnt sure he wanted to test the waters and have three for three, but he walked towards donnies lab anyways, already able to hear the buzzing of the active tech-filled room.

It was just first instinct, he and donnie have been in eachothers company at all hours of the night when they arent sleeping for years.

The doors opened as soon as leo typed the pin in; it's the twins birthday, everybody knows it. They're not sure why donnie even bothers with that passcode.

He walked in silently, not wanting to disturb the softshell if he was working on something important, or perhaps sleeping in an uncomfortable position on his desk. But he wasnt, leo could tell he was upgrading security systems around the lair (he proof-checked the code for them), and he immediately turned around when leo came in. "Dad said you were sleeping."

Leo swallowed thickly. "Im awake." He felt like he was being suffocated under the cold brick, like his bones were too heavy.

Donnie watched him for a moment, analysing him. He doesnt like that feeling, he hates the look donnie gets when hes trying to pick up on something.

"Do you need something?" the softshell asked; when he would usually ask this, it would always be in an overly sarcastic and uniterested tone. "I meant that genuinely by the way."

"I know," leo started, pausing to remind himself to just breathe-- "can you come with me to milo's?" he mumbled.

Donnie wasted no time responding with the first thing that came to mind, "its the middle of the night, would he not be asleep?"

Leo bounced on his toes, fiddling with his fingernails as he shrugged, "probably," he mumbled, opening a portal next to him. He was becoming more ansty by the second, just being in the lair, "are you coming?"

Donnie stood up without a word, slipping a purple hoodie over his battle shell, shoving his phone into his hoodie pocket and following his twin through the swirly portal. They were silent to anyone who didnt regularly go through them, only a small unrecognisable sound of mystic buzz through the air.

They stepped into a dark room, dimly lit by electronics and old LED's. It was silent, milo sleeping in his bed under the covers. Leo put his sword to the side, standing it up against the the wall so no one tripped on it in the dark. He crawled into the bed, snuggling into the snake yokai while donnie stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

"Mhm... leo...?" Milo stirred, groaning and opening his eyes to look at the person cuddling into him. "What are you doing here?" He asked, sitting up while wrapping the smaller in his arms. He leaned over, grabbing his light remote to turn the brightness up, glancing around the room and seeing the softshell in the corner. "Donatello?"

"In the flesh," donnie confirmed, unmoving and unbothered.

Milos eyes furrowed worriedly, glancing down at the slider before back up, "how long have you guys been here?"

"Not long, approximately two minutss thirty seven seconds and counting."

"Right..." the snake yokai trailed off, looking back down towards leo. "You okay hermoso?"

The striped turtle was silent for a moment before churring, hiding his face deeper into the mess of blankets and limbs. Milo looked up worriedly, "did something happen?" he asked, mostly towards donnie.

"Well," the softshell started, not entirely knowing how to begin this conversation, especially with his twin in the room. But when leo interrupted up before he could say more; donnie couldnt figure out whether to feel fortunate or not.

"Im gonna go take a shower, wanna join me?" the smaller asked, peaking his head up with an innocent smile. "I-"

"Ew. No. Gag. No," donnie immediately intervened, not finding it funny at all.

"Awh, okay," leo whined quietly, slipping out of the bed with a small pout and leaving for the bathroom.

"Somethings wrong," milo said quietly, the moment he could hear the shower running. He beckoned for the purple turtle to come sit on his bed instead of standing in the corner.

"Obviously," donnie murmured, taking a seat.

Milo shook his head, eyes furrowed, "no I mean seriously wrong. Like a switch flipped in his head again, because hes different. I havent been around him this long to not be able to notice." Donnie hadnt noticed too much of a difference between leo now and leo over the last few days, but he supposes hes had that issue his whole life.

Nonetheless milo was right, even donnie could feel something off, no matter if he noticed a change or not. "Elaborate."

"We havent done anything like that in... weeks? Over a month? The last time he ran here after arguing with you guys, and my best guess is that at the moment its really triggering for him. So if hes willing to put himself in that position, then hes being self-destructive," milo explained thoughtfully, face twisting more and more as he thought about it.

"And thats bad. If hes actively seeking to hurt himself in a mental sense, then the next step is physical," donnie murmured.

"Usually is."

Milo asked if something had happened, donnie obliging without fight and recapping on the past few days since leo had last spoken to his friend.

The two then sat for a while, a long time actually, and doing nothing was making donnie tired, making his eyes droop.

Milo, through his own sleepiness, noticed how the softshell was slumped against the wall at the end of the bed, lazily scrolling on his phone and yawning once every other minute. "You stayin' tonight too?" The snake yokai asked gently.

"I guess so," donnie mumbled in reply, eyes flickering to milo momentarily before back down to his phone.

"Theres a beanbag just there if you wanna lay on that instead of curled up at the end of my bed," he offered, watching while the softshell wordlessly located the beanbag and moved towards it.

Donnie paused, hesitating. Milo looked at him for a moment before realising. "Leave your shell wherever you want, just sayin," he said casually, looking down at his phone. He smiled to himself when he heard the tech land on the floor softly, smiling unnoticeably to himself when donnie crawled onto the beanbag.

-

Leo didnt like milos shower compared to his own. It was smaller, not having to fit a six foot snapping turtle. But it wasnt bad, the water pressure and temperature was amazing, just like home, and it was a cute little set up; the tiles were blue.

He was sitting on the floor of the shower, hot water hitting his legs just to keep him warm while he leaned against the wall, staring at the endless fall of droplets.

All he could think about was the fact that hes going to die.

When he stood up, his head felt light and black spots filled his vision. But that was far from a rare occurence, so he waited a moment and stood up properly.

The hot water burned the scales of his head and arms, seering his shell from how long he had been sitting out of the water. He stayed under nonetheless, enjoying the almost unbearable heat for a few minutes before turning the shower off.

Leo had to shower, because he was dirty.

Because he felt filthy.

And its for a number of reasons actually, all very understandble and reasonable if he does say so himself: the prison dimension was disgustingly dreary, the stench of forever rotting flesh and mold almost overpowered the smell of his own blood and sweat covering him head to toe. He had put countless drugs in his body, countless people in his body, countless substances in his body. He had let people touch him, dirty him, clean him just to dirty him again.

Worst of all, sometimes he enjoyed being dirty.

It was the feeling filthy that made him want to skin himself, scale by scale, skin cell by skin cell.

Leo had been in the shower too long, drying himself and staring at his body in the mirror. Hes always tried to take such good care of his appearance, because that was reallg all he had. Hes the pretty brother.

He stared at himself. The way he curved in ways his brothers didnt. The scars were just added souvenirs, and some days hes ashamed of them, wishes they were never on his skin. But he knows that if they faded and disappeared he would just add more.

He would miss seeing the damage hes done to himself.

He likes seeing scars on his body.

Throwing his towel in the laundry basket, leo exits the bathroom, walking idly back to milos bedroom. The clock on the microwave as he walked past read 00:52, and leo honestly thought it was a lot later than that. He remembers reading his phone and seeing that the time was 02:34, but he guesses he imagined it. He does that a lot, misses time, imagines it.

When entering milos room, the first thing he notices is how the lightings been dimmed again, looking around and catching his sleeping twin in his gaze.

His eyes moved to milo when he heard his voice, "you feelin' better dude?" he asked, eyes soft and concerned.

The slider crawled into the bed and under the covers without a word, burying himself deep in the blanket. "Ok," milo accepted easily, laying back down and getting comfortable in his bed. "We can talk more in the morning."

Leo layed silent a still for a moment, "my room felt like dead empty space," he whispered, rolling over so that his shell was facing the snake yokai and closing his eyes.

Leos kind of like a lifeless void, dead space, a waste. Maybe he should have just stayed in that environment.

"Im here, so I dont think this is dead empty space," milo hummed sleepily.

Leo let him fall asleep, and then he let himself fall asleep. But it was only for a few hours, the next time he checked the time it was 05.35am.

There was a missed call on his phone, from raph, so he rang him back.

"Leo? Where are you?"

"With donnie, and milo," leo murmured truthfully, drowing in the disappointment he could hear through the phone.

"When mikey wakes up raphs coming to get both of you. You need to stop doing this," he sounds tired and angry, leo cant blame him. "Doing what?"

"You know what, and you're hurting everyone around you by doing it. Your  pessimistic attitude and practically cruelty hidden as honesty, sucks. And you just need to be at home and be nicer." Leo let the line run silent for a moment, before hanging up without a word.

Raph wasnt wrong, but he wasnt right either.

His phone read 5.53, which meant it was still dark outside, the sun doesnt rise for over an hour.

And when he realised that, well he just couldnt resist himself.

You're hurting everyone around you.

Leo wasnt up for being followed, so he didnt take his phone or sword, leaving a sticky note on his phone screen and jumping out the window of the apartment. The climb down was easy, and there was barely anyone around at this time. Except a couple people that he knew. They were too sketchy for him to be close friends with, but he knows they wouldn't like, poison him.

He might pay them a visit before the sun rises.

You're hurting everyone around you.

Leo loved the early morning coolness. Anyone would think he'd love the warmth, the sun, the light, the comfortablness of it. But the cold was just... familiar.

Maybe the warmth would be better, but he wouldnt know.

Walking through the streets in the darkness was always fun though, you never knew what might pop out.

God, hes such a fucking negative nancy now isnt he.

His pessimistic attitude is awful.

It didnt take him long to find his friend, hes always in one of the streets in the 'dark' side of the hidden city.

"Aye leon!" he heard, smirking and offering his hand for a handshake. "Hola Ekon."

The jackel yokai grinned back, meeting leos hand. "Havent seen ya around these parts for a while, where ya been brotha?"

"Oh you know," leo offered, looking around at the very few others in the far shadows of the alley, "around."

"Ah, shoulda' guessed, you wan'nin' somethin?"

Leo thought for a moment. Did he? Did he really? He had to think about it... but that was enough for him.

He didnt want to think anymore.

"La rocha, got any?" The slider asked, tingles up his shell while Ekon dug through his bag. "Always man. That all?"

Leo took it from him, shoving it in the pocket of his sweats and nodding, "thats all, gracias hombre. Nos vemos por ahí," he said, turning and walking out of the street.

La rocha, forget me pill, date rape drug, lunch money, mind eraser, roofies.

Flunitrazepam.

A hypnotic-sedative, anti-anxiety, muscle relaxant medication thats, like, almost illegal. Its legally used to treat extremely severe insomnia or something, leo doesnt know the specifics of it, he just assumes everything he gets off of his 'friends' are illegal substances. Its honestly just common sense at this point. And its called the date rape drug, who the fuck calls a legal substance a date rape drug?

He cant help but wonder if this was slipped in his drink the night the yokai raped him.

God. Leo was raped.

Its different to the one he can get up in the human city, these drugs are altered to actually work in a yokai bloodstream, like it would for a human.

The only thing is, leos technically mutant, so his body system is a little different.

As he climbs the fire escape to a random rooftop, he remembers the last time he took this. He took double what hes usually supposed to, and passed out, was off his face when he woke up, and then passed out and slept for a good nine hours.

Once he gets to the roof, he sits down, facing the direction that the sun should rise from. It'll start rising any minute now. Looking down, he see's he has three pills.

Hes hurting everyone around him.

So he takes all of them.

One.

Two.

Three.

The pills are dry on his tongue, almost getting caught in his throat but sliding down nonetheless. The awful texture made leo was to slit his throat open every time, but he was so used to both of those things that his face remained blank.

The city was graced with the presence of the sun, the one consistent thing in the world; the rising ball of fire that keeps humanity alive.

Alive is not something he ever thought he'd be. Not after being dropped off a roof, not after trying to take his own life numerous times, not after the shredder, not after the kraang--

Not right now.

Leo was unconscious before his eyes could begin to hurt from the brightness, before they could have possibly caught some of the suns sparkle and taken it for themselves.

When did leo lose his sparkle? 

Chapter Text

Donnie woke up to several phones ringing, milos and his. It woke the snake yokai too, him groaning at being awake at 8am on a saturday. 

The softshell answered his phone, putting it on speaker, "yes?" 

"Are you and leo at milos apartment?" It was his eldest brother, who could have guessed. 

"Ye--" 

"Leo?" Donnie paused when he looked over at the sound of milos voice, seeing that his twin wasnt in the room with them. "Potentially." 

"Donnie what do you mean potentially" 

"I mean," he started, walking out of the room with milo and watching as he quickly checked the entire apartment, only to find an open window. "He was here last night, and now hes not." 

Donnie sounded indifferent, sure, absolutely. Its his normal voice. 

On the inside he was fucking. Screaming. 

"We're on our way over, we're picking april up on the way. Start looking." Was all raph said before hanging up. 

"He left his phone and his sword, must've climbed out the window. Couldnt have gotten too far on foot, could he?" Milo informed, optimism admirable so fucking stupid in the softshells eyes. "Yes. He could be in a completely different state by now. He likes to run." 

"Fuck me in the ass sideways," milo cursed under his breath, grabbing his keys off the kitchen bench. "Theres a few spots he likes to hang out, we'll check there first." 

Donnie didnt respond, following the snake yokai out. 

If leo was dead, he was going fucking kill someone. 

- 

"eo-- Le... o... Leo!" They found him, had split up. Somehow milo ended up on his own, raph and mikey together and donnie and april together. Here, on some random rooftop unconcious. 

"Mhm... wh..." Leos eyes were barely open, eye whites tinted red and pupils heavily dilated. All he could do was slur his words, barely keep himself upright while april held him. 

"You there blue? Hey, what happened?" Aprils voice was controlled and soothing while donnie checked the slider over to make sure he wasn't hurt. 

"Im calling the guys, then we're going home," donnie said, adding his two brothers and friend to a group call. 

"I found leo, hes fine hes just high out of his mind on something that I'll figure out when we're back in the lair," he informed, hearing a few responses before hanging up the phone. 

"Hey lee, no no stay awake hun," april tried, patting the sliders cheek attempting to get him to keep his eyes open but he wouldnt. 

Donnie stormed over pulling one of leos eyes open to check. "Why did you come up here, tell me what you took leo." 

The slider groaned lazily, pulling his head away and letting it drop harshly before april managed to catch it and bring it back up. "I tol' mi... i wasn' go'in' t'y ga'n. buh' 'm get'n wors'... can' turn i' off..." he slurred with a small smile, voice slowly getting quieter until he went completely silent, passing out. 

"Shit, fuck me," the softshell cursed under his breath, practically seething through his teeth.

"Don--"

"No. We need to go home," the softshell snapped. His robotic arms extended and grabbed both his siblings, activating his hovering feature and flying home as fast as he could. 

-

"Is he okay?" All four brothers were back in the lair, with april, all huddled around donnie and leo, eyeing the unconcious twin worriedly. 

"Hes taken an illegal drug called flunitrazepam, three times the safe dosage. It is hypnotic-sedative, anti-anxiety, muscle relaxant medication. Its called a lot of things, but the most common include the name 'date rape drug'," Donnie explained. He had leo wearing a pulse oximeter on his finger, and and IV in his wrist. 

"So... hes not in any danger right now, right?" Mikey asked genlty, hands fidgiting nervously infront of him. 

Leo stirred, peeling his bleary eyes open and lazily sitting up, eyes focussed on norhing as he tried to kwep himself upright.

"No, hes stable..." donnie murmured, taking a deep breath before turning to his twin, "Leonardo." 

"Ugh... wha..." leo mumbled, getting off the gurney before anyone could reach to stop him. 

Getting off the ripped out the IV, and pulled off the finger piece. That was it for donnie, he couldnt do it anymore.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he screamed, shoving leo into the wall, breathing heavily as he watched his brother slide down onto the tiled floor.

Donnie couldnt take it, he thought leo was finally being honest. Finally taking some sort of responsibility, trying to do something other than hurt himself and then he goes and what? What was he doing? Was he trying to kill himself again? Or just wanting to forget? To make them mad? To fuck up his life more? 

The worst part was, donnie had no idea what the fuck his twin was doing. He has no idea whats going on. Everytime he thinks hes getting somewhere with leo, thinks leo might be healing somewhat, thinks hes finally figuring him out-- 

He ends up being wrong.

Leo was quiet on the ground, taking donnies frustration towards him. Its not like he could do much, he could probably barely walk if he tried, how was he supposed to defend himself? His head was way too foggy, and his mind was swirling. 

You deserve it

You deserve it 

You deserve it

Shut the fuck and die

He poisons everything everyone does.

Every day, he wakes up hearing the pounding drum of failure in his head.

Mikey was standing, watching, unknowing on what to do while april tried to make the softshell calm down. She understood his anger, but it wasnt going to help. Everyone was angry, but this wasnt helping anyone. 

Raph was fumingly worried. But something clicked in his head. 

He had seen this before. 

The snapper quickly stepped between the twins, letting april behind to leo. 

"what?" donnie muttered, anger simmering. 

"You need to stop, right now" raph said, walking towards the slider and sending a warning glance at the softshell. 

"no- Galileo what is wrong with him!" donnie yelled, reminding raph more and more of--

"what is wrong with him..." splinter muttered, turning away from his silent crying son on the floor. Leo chuckled dryly, muttering a response. The slider didnt realise splinter wasnt talking to himself, but his oldest brother standing outside the door.

"wha'ev'r p'ps," leo chuckled dryly, absolutely out of it and delusional, trauma mixing up in current events.

Raph looked down at the slider, immediately realising leo noticed how similar this specific situation was to that one time with splinter. Leo was just so gone right now that he couldnt register the difference. 

"donnie out. now" raph muttered, crouching down, bringing leos shaking body into his arms, despite the weak protests. 

"what raph no-" donnie tried to argue, being cut off. 

"D hes stable isnt he? Im sure raph will explain later, but you arent helping anyone right now."

"mike you too. go." mikey quickly grabbed donnie by the arm, tugging him out of the medbay as the doors closed behind them. Raph used his orders voice, you dont argue with him when that happens.

Raph looked down at the slider in his arms, eyes unfocussed and still under the influence. 

"Ge' off me..." he faught, trying to get out of the elders arms 

"hey, leo? can you hear me baby?" raph let april take leo in her arms, rocking back and forth with the boy, worried for what might be going on inside his head. 

"mm hm, hi ap'l, hi 'aph" leo said, words slightly slurred. 

"can you tell me whats going on? you okay?" raph asked, trying to keep the panic out of his voice as he resisted the urge to take his brother.

"went out an'... too' some'n' an' da's all ma' a'me 'gain cause he doesn' know wha's w'ong wi'... me an' he ha'es me" leo slurred quietly. His high should slowly be dying out, but what he'd seen and heard during it stuck in his now tired fuzzy mind like it really happened.

April pulled a confused face, bringing the boy closer. "Leo that was donnie just now, and nobody hates you. I promise, mkay? how 'boutcha get some sleep, me and big red are right here" she says softly, continuing the rocking motion while sitting on the floor, as if lulling an infant to sleep. She rubbed circles under leos eye, the gesture making it hard for his already droopy eyes to stay open for very long.

"mmkay... will you s'ay? prote't me 'case s'meone ge's ma' 'gain" raph feels his heart shatter into millions of little pieces. Tears immediately pouring out and down his face as he looks down at his already asleep baby brother, his magenta eyes previously focused on him. 

"course i will... god leo im so sorry i didnt protect you earlier." April was silent for a moment, before asking the snapper what leo was talking about. 

He explained through a stuffy nose and falling tears, voice wobbly and hateful but guilty and so.. so sad. 

"Okay, heres what you're going to do," aprils voice was calm, face void of any recognisable emotion. "You're going to help me put leo back on that gurney, then you're going to leave and make sure mikey and donnie are okay." 

"Wh--what about you and l--leo?" raph hiccuped, sniffing and wiping his face. 

"Im staying here with blue, and im going to be the only one out of us four in this room when he wakes up because none of you are helping right now. I understand you're angry, all three of you. I am too. But im more scared than angry, and being an asshole to him is going to make him keep being self-destructive," april dead-panned, voice clear and authoritive, leaving no room for discussion. 

When raph sniffled again, she softened slightly. "All three of you have said some horrible things to him recently, and I know him and mikey apologised but that doesnt make the situation better. It doesnt mean he forgets. So do what I said, I've got him." 

Raph left, and april put the IV back in the sliders wrist, piece back on his finger. 

Leo always insists hes doing nothing, but maybe hes reaching out to something? Someone? 

She climbs onto the gurney with him, snuggling into his side and holding him close to her chest. 

He keeps jumping so far away, and aprils so scared that hes waiting for someone not to catch him so he can die. 

Are they delaying the inevitable? 

Are they running out of time? 

God, she sounds like leo and his overthinking, constantly having his bones weighing him down as if his flesh is going to melt off. 

But if april has to lose her baby brother she might break. 

She knows she will. Her entire family will. 

Leo isnt stopping like he said he would. Leo isnt healing like he said he was. Leo isnt asking for help like he said he was going to. 

Aprils scared.

Chapter Text

It was a few long hours before april felt leo stir. Until now, he had been sleeping soundly with only her in the room. Splinter had come in to check on his son the moment he had heard what happened, but after seeing the slider unconcious and in the capable company of april, he left. Probably to go back to his other sons, the girl guesses. 

Milo appeared around five minutes ago, with a light bruising cheek and a dry bloodied hand. 

"The sister?" he asked upon seeing the girl curled up next to his friend. 

She smiled, sitting up and holding her hand out for a handshake, "Apirl O'neil. Milo?" 

"Alvarez, thats me," he responded, grasping the girls hand with a smile. "I've only heard good things about you," he says, liking that he was finally meeting the girl leo talks so highly of. 

"Likewise." 

They let go of eachother and milo looked down at the sleeping turtle he knew all too well. "He okay?" he asked softly, face falling slightly as he leaned on the side of the gurney. 

April just sighed. "Physically fine, hes been sleeping off a high and sleep deprivation the last few hours. Mentally hes fucked and I cant tell you how hes going to wake up," she explained softly, gaze trailed down at the sleeping slider. 

"What happened to you?" she asked, gesturing to his bruised cheek and knuckles.

Milo shrugged it off with a smile, "I was just teaching someone a lesson for being a prick," voice a gentle hum. 

He then asked if something else happened, and april was hesitant but explained what had happened. 

Milo was pissed. 

He never fucking understood leos family, he could never understand people who say things like that, to people like leo. His own family has treated him like shit, and sure the smaller isnt a angel or the easiest kid to handle but hes done so much good.

He tries so hard. 

Milo was about to express his opinion on it all when they felt leo stir, looking down and seeing his face scrunched slightly. It only took a few moments for his eyelids to lift, magenta eyes glassy; either he was incredbly sleepy, or still a little under the influence. 

"Morning querido," "hi baby blue," both teens cooed softly as leo slowly looked at each of them, sitting up and rubbing his eyes harshly. 

Milo grasped his hands gently, pulling them away from his face. "You're gonna poke your eyes out lelo, be gentle," he teased softly, smiling when leo merely looked at him and chirped. 

The smaller crawled into milos arms, nuzzling the familiar scales as the snake yokai squeezed and rocked them side to side softly. He smiled at the string of churrs and chirps that bubbled up his throat when milo scratched lightly under his neck. 

April cooed at the younger, smiling, glad that he seemed to be in a better mood at the moment. She hated seeing the poor boy so upset. 

That feeling was short-lived when leo decided he wanted to get up, forgetting the IV in his wrist and oximeter on his finger, tripping over the cords and ripping both out. The stands and tech went crashing to the ground along with leo, a soft flatline noise ringing throughout the med-bay. 

"God, leo!" April exclaimed in surprise, about to get off the gurney to fix the wires while milo was with leo on the floor when three turtles and a rat burst into the room.

"Leo! Are you--?" Raph and mikeys voices were cut off when they saw their blue coloured brother on the floor with his friend, silenced by the fear that flashed over his face. The slider erupted in distressed chirps, pushing and crawling behind milo.

They would be so fucking sick of him by now, so tired of him and the things he wont talk about. Tired of the fact that they love him so much and he still cant accept it. 

Tired of him always being such a coward.

Donnie hadnt said a word, staring with wide upset eyes. "My son--" 

"Oh dont you guys fucking dare." Milo stood up abruptly, promising himself he'd make it up to leo later for yelling when he saw a glimpse of tears trickle down his face. But he stood anyways, letting april take leo into her arms and pull him further back slightly. 

The slider cowered, just scared and overwhelmed. It felt like a war was about to happen, as if he hasnt been at war for literal and figurative years. 

Its almost as if the war has stayed so long, that he fell into a comforting delusion of love. 

So if that war ended, how would he know?

Raph nearly growled, "milo no offence but--" 

"No! Dont even fucking try it! Not my place my asshole, look at how upset yous have continuously made him-- and yet, you still dont fucking learn!?" Milos voice was dry without any humor, but that didnt stop the chuckle from escaping. It was so ironically unfunny that it was funny to him. 

"You do not know--" splinter tried to defend whatever the young snake yokai was insinuating. 

"Oh I dont know? I dont FUCKING KNOW?" Oh that was it, milo was livid. 

"There have been times where leo has been at my house for days before anyone noticed, multiple times after hes been physically or verbally abused and just so empty feeling, countless times where hes shown up hysterical and upset because no matter what he does or who he is his family hates him," he said, glaring at the family. The only person in leos family who didnt fuel his current anger was april. 

Leo knows they dont mean to, but everything in his head is justified as okay because its towards him and of course his family does love him-- right?

Milo turned to splinter specifically, seething in outrage.

"And all he wanted, was one fucking lousy letter, one stupid call! One fucking text? Why was it so hard for you!?" he all but screamed, switching his attention to the turtles. 

Leo, his whole life, was practically screaming at his dad, even his older brothers, "if you need to be mean, be mean to me!" Because he can take it! He can take it, and put it inside of him where none of his family could ever share the experience. 

"And you three, fuck me. I know this, right now? Must be hard, I fucking get it. Ive been trying to keep leo alive since I met him and not fucking once have I ever said such horrible shit. How fucking dare you all!?" Milo couldnt tell if raph was going to defend them or not, but he didnt give him the chance. 

Its not that leo doesnt want them around, doesnt want their love. Its all he's wanted his entire life but now he just cant take it--

He has room for the hate, the anger, the pain. 

Where is he supposed to put love?

"Do you not pay attention? Do you not understand how much he fucking adores you guys? Hes just a kid too, like you, or do you forget that like you forget he exists. You question why he is the way he is? Because he grew up being the sad person and the person comforting the sad person. He sacrificed his entire life, his entire identity just so you guys could have some sort of normalcy, something to rely on! For ALL of you!" 

Milos breaths were heavy and aggressive, the only sound in the room besides leos quiet cries and aprils soothing murmurs. A glare was shooting at the four mutants infront of him, venomous and disgusted like the low hissing pouring out of his throat. 

"I wasnt going to butt into family drama, its not my place," he started, voice quieter now but not any less aggressive. "But I can only see the person I care about most sob because he wanted to be loved by his family more than he wanted to be alive-- so many times, before I lose my shit," he hissed. 

He heard leo trying to suppress his cries, whining quietly, and turned around, taking the blue turtle into his arms. "Im sorry for yelling love, im not mad at you," he murmured, one hand in his head while the other rested on his shell. 

"Its okay, shhh everythings okay," he tried to soothe the smaller, but no matter what he wouldnt stop crying. 

Everything isnt okay. 

Leos problem was never that they acted that way towards him, he got so used to that. 

It was when they left him alone wondering where they are, whey they arent here. 

Why hes alone.

"Lee..." the blue turtle wouldnt even look at them, not saying a word.

"My boy..." splinter started, but slowly stopped and decided against what he was about to say. His son was crying endless tears, his snake friend glaring daggers at the family and april had never had that look of disappointment on her face before. 

Milo leaned down to leos tympana, whispering so only he and april could hear them, "you need a break?" 

Leo nodded his head desperately, pulling out of milos arms and standing slightly behind him. He didnt dare look up, biting his lip to try and stop it from quivering: tears wouldnt stop falling from his eyes.

April grasped the blue turtles hand gently, stopping him from picking at his nails and offering some kind of comfort. His other hand switched to flapping desperatly. 

Milo continued to glare, shoving past the family and making his way out of the med-bay. 

Leo had never felt worse than what he did now-- except maybe because of the invasion... it felt like he just caused another invasion all over again. 

Hes had raph and dad mad at him plenty of times, that practically came with being him. Mikey wasnt overly angry with him at the moment, leo understands. 

Donnie screamed at him.

His twin... hated him. "Whats wrong with you?!" What is wrong with him? 

He felt a tug on his hand. "You comin', sweet thing?" aprils voice was so much softer, so full of love and care compared to annoyance and irritation. 

Leo held his breath as he walked past his brothers, leaving the med-bay and immediatly taking a spot by milos side. 

He felt awful. Just pure, overwhelming awfulness bubbled out of him in the form of endless tears. 

April turned to the two teens infront of her. "Here are my apartment keys, leo knows how to get there. I need to talk with my boys and then ill be there, be safe," she said, tone soft because she was talking to leo, but leaving no other indication to say that she was 'picking his brothers sides' like his first thought was. 

Abandonment issues and his constant need to blame himself are something hes been trying to ignore.

Milo accepted despite his irritation, offering leo his hand and gently pulling him along as the slider trailed behind him. 

April sighed, face falling from her big sister non-judgemental face to how she was really feeling. 

She walked back in, face void of any positive emotions. "Guys." 

"Is leo okay??" was mikeys first question; he was clinging to raphs arm, little tears dribbling down his cheeks occasionally while he had the most genuine worry spread across his face. 

April could only soften so much. "No. He isnt." She said, crossing her arms. "And when I say im disappointed and disgusted with you four? I mean beyond that." 

"Michelangelo," she started, ignoring the small, sad chirp that escaped his throat. "You told your suicidal brother that he should kill himself. I know you apologised, but they dont always work immediatly when theres damage. I never want to hear anything like that again, from any one of you," she ordered, eyes flickering to donnie next. His gaze flickered up to her and then rested below, not meeting her eyes.

"I understand your frustration, and I know there are times where leos taken his frustration out on us but never like that and never when we're ill or hurt." donnie shrunk in shame, still not saying anything. "Your feelings are valid, all of your feelings are valid, but you cant do that to leo, just like hes not allowed to do that to you," she finished, watching as the softshell merely nodded in understanding  

"Splinter," the rat man was the next down the line, feeling an icy glare, "milo was right. How fucking dare you lay your hands on your son. I know you've apologised and had conversations with leo, but if you ever do that again I will do anything he needs to never see you again," she said, blunt honesty making spointers eyes widen. But he nodded in understanding nonetheless. 

Finally, she turned to raph. 

"Raphael. I dont think you completely understand that the concept of healing takes time, and relapses. Youre angry that you dont know how to fix something thats harming all of you. But you forget that its leo, your brother whose struggling. Its harming you guys but its killing him. He loves you all more than anything on this earth and if you dont realise that then you arent my family." 

Jesus, that cut deep. April sees them all flinch, especially the boys, and thinks she went too far, but she needs to get this point across before something worse happens. 

"I love you all," she started, tone of voice a lot more gentle but still very clear in what shes saying. "Which is why Im being honest. Rotting in self-hate over this isnt going to fix anything. You know the current problem, you're aware of it, work on it." she said, now leaving the med-bay. 

"Before you lose leo," she finished, leaving the room and the lair altogether. 

-

The two mutants managed to get to aprils apartment without any trouble, and the girl wasnt too far behind them anyways. But when she arrived, the boys were nowhere to be seen.

"Boys?" she called out, shutting the front door and poking her head further into the livingroom. 

"Bathroom!" she heard her new snake yokai friend call out, following the voice down the hall and seeing milo standing outside the closed bathroom door. 

"He in there?" she asked immediatly, face falling. 

Leo only locked himself in places when he couldnt run away. He couldnt leave and portal to be alone, he couldnt walk away, he couldnt do anything to leave and ignore. So he would hide and drown out everything instead of running and avoiding altogether. 

Hes done it for years; its usually a bedroom, his bedroom, but he cant do that here so the bathroom it is. 

"Yea. Your medicine cabinet isnt in the bathroom right?" milo responded. 

"No, only weirdos do that," she murmured, going up to the door and knocking softly. "Leo, baby blue we gotta talk, okay? Can you unlock the door please," she attempted, hearing nothing indicating he was letting her in. 

"We can talk in there, me you and milo. You have to let us in though," she tried again, changing her voice to a more whiney, small voice. 

When there still wasnt any sort of response, she sighed and moved away from the door. "Im going to get the key for the bathroom, I dont want you hangin' out by yourself," her voice rang sweetly, giving milo a look before hurrying down the hall. 

April came back within the minute, unlocking the door and walking into the room with milo at her side. 

She looked around. "where the fuck is he," she whispered, turning to look where milo was pointing. 

"The bathtub, here," he said, leaning down and placing a hand on the turtle shell. "Hey lelo, Im gonna pick you up. Let me know if thats not okay," he announced, waiting a few moments before picking him up and hugging him close. 

April frowned; leo doesnt go in his shell that often. He and mikey are the only ones who actually retract into their shells, and usually the youngest would all the time.

But not leo, funnily enough. He'd do it for a joke, shits and gigs, you know? But seriously to avoid something? Unusual. They rarely had to pry him out either. 

"Leo can you please come out." April even set it up so the slider could make a joke. 

But her and milo were just met with silence... again. 

And again,

and again. 

April tried to coerce him out, convince him that they needed to talk and that she wasn't angry, and even though his brothers were being assholes they didnt hate him. That she would just explain and help if he would come out and listen. 

Milo tried a different approach; talking, cooing, comforting. Telling him that they didnt need anything from him besides to come out of his shell to make sure he was okay, then they would do whatever he wanted. He didnt have to talk to anyone or go anywhere, he just had to extend his body back out.

They even asked if calling his brothers would help, maybe even just speaking to splinter over the phone or something. 

But then leo started shaking and they knew they couldnt do that to him right now. 

Leo didnt want his brothers to hate him, hes so scared. Hes so scared that he did infact fall in love with a war, a war that wont ever end as long as hes in love with it. 

Its like a constant burning fire that he watches glow, but not the beautiful passionate kind. 

The hateful kind. The destructive kind. 

The kind that needs to be smothered. 

Leo makes the flame burn good, does that mean he needs to be smothered too?

He thinks hes starting to learn that he'll never be free of the suffocating smoke of the flame of the forever burning fire that he endlessly feeds causing destruction everywhere he goes-- 

Leos breaking down. 

He doesnt understand why he cant stop spiralling, and hes so scared. So afriad. So terrified at the thought of his brothers genuinely hating him, because no matter how much deep down hes knows everyone hates him including himself, he still cant handle the thought. 

Hes violently horrified at the possibility of dying and his fears being true. 

That they really wont care that much. 

That he'll set them free of the catastrophic flame and smothering smoke, and they'll actually be better off. 

Its such a crazy thought to him; he cant stop crying. How would they not be better off without him when hes absolutely killing them? 

Milo and april realised they had to be patient and let him hide, the only problem was that he could stay curled in his shell for as long as he wanted.

And all they could do was wait. 

Chapter Text

Three days. 

It had been three days. Leo still hadnt emerged from his shell, hadnt spoken, hadnt given them any sign he was even alive - and the two teens were starting to get desperate. 

They had let mikey come over to try and talk to him, only because he was the most gentle and least angry at the moment. He also actually apologised to leo already, they talked it out. 

But that didn't work, the slider completely ignored him like he had been the other two. 

The rest of their family werent welcome around leo yet, not that it would be productive or helpful if milo and april had allowed them to come over. 

April had honestly even spent a night trying to contact karai, to see if she still could. Turns out she cant, but she hadnt really tried since the shredder. She also cant mind meld with leo when his mind his locked up like a fortress, not allowing anyone to enter.

Hueso hadn't been any help, but boy did the bone man try.

Milo had dunked leo under water, swaddled him with blankets, offered favourite foods and jupiter jim movie marathons--

They genuinely, absolutely, assuredly, tried everything they could think of. Some of the things they tried seem quite trivial, but honestly nothing had worked. Simple or complex. 

They cant pull the slider out of his shell forcefully, so what the fuck were they supposed to do? 

April was trying to scramble her brain for someone leo would have some sort of sore spot for, someone with a different psychological understanding of the slider, someone who knew him. Thats why she had tried hueso, but he couldn't help. 

The boys were out of the question, mikey wasnt any help anyways and splinter surely wouldnt be. Milo and her hadnt been able to coerce the boy out. Draxum was an absolute no, dont even bother trying. Leo didnt have any other very close friends...

Holy shit, casey! 

Not that hes in the state, but he literally grew up with leo as his dad, he would have had to experience something atleast the most tiniest bit like this situation, and would be able to help! 

Afterall, they're different timelines, but they're still leo. 

"Hey milo! Im gonna give CJ a ring and-- wait, you know who that is right?" she asked, peering into the kitchen. She loved having the snake yokai at her house, he made such good food. 

Leo was currently in aprils bed under numerous blankets. His "sleep music" spotify playlist was playing through aprils speaker that milo had set up, just for the sake of giving the turtle something to listen to other than his head, but not to disturb him if he was sleeping. A lot of the songs were lo-fi shiloh dynasty collabs, but there was a lot of different artists in there. 

It goes for almost fourteen hours. Milo doesnt understand, but whatever helps the blue turtle. 

Milo looked up, "future boy?" 

April gave a thumbs up and dialled caseys number, walking into the living room. He didnt pick up the first time, but second time he answered. "Casey, hi!"

"April!" his voice rang through the phone, giggling at the girls tone. "Hi?" 

"What are you doing right now?" she asked, twirling her hair in her fingers as she talked to the boy. She missed having casey around, but was really happy for him. Him and cass were getting closer as siblings, and while she knew he was a little weird about it sometimes, it was healing for him to get to know her in a different way. 

"Im actually about to get on a four hour flight back to new york!" 

"Oh fun, are you done with travelling?"

"For now," casey sighed, but she could tell it was with fond exhaustion. "Cass is still wreaking havoc, but I'm actually so tired I just want to come home." 

April hummed in understanding; she and the boys had bet on who out of the caseys would tire who out first. "She'll be fine, shes always wanted to dominate the world." 

Casey laughed through the phone. "Oh I know. Anyways, why'd you call?" 

Now it was aprils turn to sigh, "I actually wanted to know if you could come home, I need your help with leo." 

"Whats going on? Dont tell me he pulled another self sacrifice." April couldnt help but giggle, even though both teens knew he wasnt joking. 

"No, but its bad. I cant explain everything over the phone, but for a little bit of context; he and the boys faught and we're keeping them a part for now." 

"We?" casey asked, trying to remember if they had any other friends or family that he had accidentally forgot about. 

"Leo has a friend we didnt know about, a snake yokai. Hes cool though." 

Casey thought for a moment, and he was glad he wasnt talking to april in person. "Is his name milo?" 

"Yea! Did you meet him in your timeline?" April was always curious about caseys original dimension, shes heard some crazy stories. 

The boy hesitated. "No, but I heard stories," he said quickly, brushing over the topic. A lot of people were killed in his dimension, he was the only person in the hamato clan to actually survive. "Anyways, where is leo then? Whats wrong with him?" 

"Hes been in his shell for the last three days, and wont come out. We've genuinely tried everything CJ." 

April heard an intercom through the phone, followed by casey swearing under his breath. "Yea okay, ill be back soon. Just... yea, I need to catch my flight. Ill get him out, bye april." 

"Alright, cya, be safe," april said goodbye, hanging up the phone. 

Okay, thats good. Caseys coming home, and he'll get leo out. 

Hopefully. 

-

Casey arrived late in the afternoon, tired but grateful to be home. He hugged april back just as tightly as she held him. 

He met milo, feeling weird talking to someone he only knew stories of. But the snake yokai seemed kind, protective. 

Exactly the person his leonardo described him to be.

He brought his things back to his room, talking to milo and april for a bit, being caught up on everything that had happened before going into the girls bedroom.

This wasnt the first time he had seen a leo hidden in his shell, but it was the first time he's seen this leo tucked away from the world. 

To be entirely fair, thats most likely only because he couldnt retract into a cracked shell after the kraang invasion. 

Casey sat on the bed, digging in the blankets until he found the turtle shell he was looking for, leaving him in a little nest. "Hey leo." 

Of course there was no response. 

Leo flinched at the sound of caseys voice, not expecting the boy to be back from wherever he's been for the last however long. 

He was scared, because casey doesn't mess around. He's going to get straight to the point, and thats awful for leos whole avoidant nature. 

"Cass isnt back, shes still trying to conquer her own state. But I had a lot of fun, we got really close," he hums lightly, smiling at the thought. 

All leo had been doing for the last... however long, was basking in the thought of death. 

His death, his brothers death. Random people. Constant daydreams of it, to the point where if he ever did sleep he was dreaming about some kind of danger.

He wasnt frightened by it. Should that be worrying?

"Do you remember the conversation we had after the invasion?" Fuck. There it is.

"When you were actually awake-- I mean there were probably a few of them, but the one specifically about what I said with the kraang." Casey took a breath, he almost started rambling. Funnily enough its a habit he picked up from being raised by the turtles.  

Leo doesnt know why hes bringing this up, it was so long ago. But he doesnt care all that much, he wants to be left alone. 

Hes decided, after three days of thinking, that he doesnt want to be here anymore. 

He's done. 

"Anyways, I told you that I was sorry--" 

He doesnt want help, he doesnt want to live. Hes going to hide and pretend hes not planning death after death in his head--

"And that it wasnt fair for me to compare you to the leonardo I knew." Leo didnt know where he was going with this, why does he care? Why is this relevant? Why is he supposed to want to talk about this? 

"I know why you do the things you do." 

...

What? 

"Its to protect them, right?" Oh. 

Caseys voice was so sincere and understanding, but so violently sad that leo wanted to explode. 

Hes so not ready to have this conversation, and its making him feel like hes been impaled.

"You make yourself seem bad, to protect them. Emotionally I mean." Leo doesnt have to make himself seem bad, he is bad. He just uses it to help instead of hurt. 

Right?

No. He knows hes horrible, he knows he hurts the people around him. How does he stop? 

"I was pretty young when master splinter and raphael died, but I noticed that when they got angry and fought with someone, it was always you." Leo followed his thought process, imagining it in his mind as if he shared those memories. 

"And I found it strange, because they were always stressed and agitated at michelangelo for doing something risky with his mysticism, or donatellos tech going aywire. You were always really great actually, it was rarely you who messed up. But before they could ever get mad at them, somehow you were always being screamed at or punished for something you did wrong. Sometimes they'd hit you and you would just take it. When they both died, it was still the same, just with everyone else," casey explained. 

He was glad the blue turtle couldnt see his face right now, because he felt shattered. He himself hadnt realised this is what leo did until recently getting to know the family, seeing the parallels, psychoanalysing the tiny self of his father. 

He always said that he'd figure him out one day. 

Leo, in his head, agreed. That sounds like him. He needs to be perfect and not mess up, but somehow always does something wrong. 

"Until now, I never realised outside of you being the leader of everyone, that you protect them. You picked those fights so they wouldnt feel like that and you would, but they dont see that, I see that. Talk to me leo." the vigilantes words practically sounded like a beg, and for fucks sake did he make leos soft spot for him even softer. Once getting close with the vigilante, he had never been able to tell him no. 

Someone see's him. Someone in the family, without him having to grovel and beg and plead for his explanation to be listened to.

April doesnt see, his brothers dont see, his father absolutely doesnt see. 

Casey see's leo. 

Slowly, he peeked out of his shell, wincing at how sore and stiff his limbs were. He didnt look to the boy, keeping his sad, sunken eyes trained down on the bed. 

He sniffled, and caseys eyes widened when tears fell out of the sliders eyes. "Everything hurts," he whispered. Oh he hated how pathetic his voice sounded.

Casey didnt smile. "They only know theyre doing something wrong if you tell them." 

"Are they doing something wrong?" Leo was quick to counter, finally meeting caseys deep brown eyes as they hardened into a serious expression. "Yes." 

Leo flinched. 

"You dont deserve their anger." 

His breath shuddered, keeping his mouth pulled into a thin line while his lip quivered dangerously. "Did I ever not feel like this?" 

"No, but you also never had any help." Leo could tell there was more casey wanted to say, maybe about his brothers or him. The way they dealt with him, the way he survived so long without killing himself.

But they both already know it was only for the sake of others, that under all the self-hatred he knew he was needed and couldnt leave. 

Leos stupid, but not stupid. 

"They think I like to fight," he choked out. 

"But its not true. Im not a violent person." His voice was stuck at a whisper, if it grew any louder it would surely crack and break. It was almost sore after days of not using it. 

"Its just better if its me." 

Leo zoned out after that last comment, not hearing anything that could have come out of caseys mouth. 

Why did he come out of his shell again? Because he couldnt find it in himself to say no to casey? Maybe that came from the mountains of guilt still left from the invasion, the self-hatred inducing need to compensate piling on top like snow. 

Everyone could have died that day. In a lot of ways. 

Mikey could have been torn apart by mystic energy, skin slowly peeling, cracking down to the bone till there was nothing left but golden dust to flow in the wind. Would his blood scatter and splatter as well? Or would all of him turn to a pixie-dust-like material. He imagines all the ways it could happen, none of them overly graceful.

Raph could have killed all of them, squeezed leos neck so tightly that it crushed his throat and decapitated him. His eyes might have popped out of their sockets. Maybe the kraang-possessed snapper would have eaten him, ripped him to pieces with his teeth and tentacles. He then would have continued as the aliens little soldier, eventually being discarded in some gruesome way.

Or he himself could have been ripped apart from the kraang possession, struggling against it and it slowly twisting within his brain with so much force that it just turns it to mush, the pressure in his skull becoming too much and bursting out. His organs would probably expel next, the natural course of faeces and bodily fluids flowing out of him once hes dead. 

Leo imagines the smell of it all; rotting flesh, off milk and diarrhoea all mixed together in heat and blood. 

April could have been impaled by sister kraang, not dying before being eaten alive, chewed slowly while she screamed. She would slowly drown on her own blood, gargling almost as she wailed in pain, bones being crunched and cracked little by little until the few moments of life she had left were over. Sister kraang wouldnt fully eat the human girl, swallowing a few bits here and there just for the sustenance and disgustingly delicious taste of flesh, then spitting the glob of mush onto the ground, only just recognisable. 

Donnie, oh donnie could have been crushed, clawed at, ripped apart from the inside out. He was sucked into the weird kraang spaceship through his softshell, but that could have easily gone horribly wrong. When being ripped from the connection, he could have very well had his shell ripped from himself. His spine de-threaded from his body and probably killing him instantly. Or he could have lost his mind, his genius brain being taken over by the alien spacecraft and destroying him, sending him to a form of insanity where he cant return. 

His dad would have been long gone, dying somewhere, somehow. Theres lots of ways that arent too specific. 

But leo still finds himself obsessing over each tiny detail of flesh ripping apart, each specific sound of bones snapping, which would snap first where. What would he have died from first if left in the prison dimension - if he could properly die? 

Would it be blood aspiration, or fat embolism syndrome, or intracranial haemorrhage? Possibly hypovolemic shock.

It surely wouldnt be dehydration or starvation, he could only run and hide for so long when he was stuck in living in constant pain, let alone being able to die. 

Maybe death from a pneumothorax, one of his dislocated ribs puncturing his lung and causing the area around the organs to fill with air, leaving it unable to actually let him breathe. 

Casey would have... 

"Leo?" 

Oh, right. 

Casey. 

Leo merely hummed in response, bringing his magenta eyes up to meet caseys deep brown. They were laced with concern and confusion, squinted slightly. 

The vigilante stared for a moment before speaking. "do you want to go get food with me? Im starving," he asked, carefully picking his words. 

Leo thought; if casey was hungry, then they should get food. It didnt mean he had to eat. He thinks hes far past the point of being hunrgy though, he just doesnt feel anything but a violent, hazy emptiness thats far too much effort to fight. 

So he nods, watching as casey stands up and going to follow him when his head is immediately flushed and burning, as if hes just gone under the waves and breathed in, only to have his skull fill with salty seawater rather then his lungs. 

His world is a blur, tilting and dimming as he faintly hears someone curse, maybe yell because he isnt too sure as everything goes dark. 

The next thing he registers are quiet, urget voices above him. Hes lying on his back, head resting on something softer compared to the ground and legs raised slightly. 

Theres hands on his face, cupping his cheeks gently and occasionally patting them as if trying to wake him up. 

What...

"-eo..... Leo..... -ey...." 

The slider groans lightly and blinks his eyes opened, staring glassily upwards while his vision clears, revealing april. "Oh my god, hey baby blue. Can you hear me?" He... what? 

"You fainted sweetheart, do you know where you are?" 

Leo hummed, flickering his eyes around but gaze not catching on anything that struck him as recognisable... where had he been earlier? He doesnt know. 

April didnt seem to like that answer, or lack of answer, and he took it as an opportunity to sit himself up. Someone from behind him helped sit him up, lightly supporting his shell while his his feet were lowered.

He groaned loudly again at the still very prominent ringing pressure, grabbing his head and squeezing his eyes shut. Hands moved to his arms up to his shoulders, rubbing his scales in soothing motions. 

"Leo." There was another voice; he opened his eyes and was met with casey holding a bottle of water. "Here. you're probably severely dehydrated." 

Leo couldnt argue with that, because he probably was. Its most likely the reason he fainted, and why his head hurt so much. He took the water bottle with shaky hands. Why were his hands shaking? 

He took a sip, the cool water running down his dry throat being such a sweet relief he didnt know he needed. He drank faster, some dribbling down his chin which he wasnt too fussed about. 

The hands from behind moved again, tracing his arms down to his hands. "Slow down, you'll end up feelin' sick love." 

The bottle was near empty when milo said that, so leo finished it anyways and let it fall to the ground, wiping his chin. 

"Do you feel a bit better now?" Aprils voice was soft like silk, a tone leo never thought he deserved. 

He shrugged his shoulders, looking down at his lap and staring at his hands. His nails needed to be filed and cut, re-painted as the polish was missing completely. 

He thought about how much serious damage he could do with his nails, how they actually were sharp like claws. He could quite literally gouge everyones eyes out right now, possibly rip into their stomachs and pull on their intestines. 

This is why leo shouldn't be left alone. 

"Okay, well I still want food. Are yous coming?" Casey announced, shooting april a look that told her he knew what he was doing. 

Both human teens stood up, followed by milo who helped leo to his feet and stayed close incase the smaller felt dizzy or disoriented. "You feelin' okay?" 

Despite leo not even sure if he could see properly, he pulled away and followed april and casey out of the room, walking past them to duck into the bathroom. 

He needed to pee so badly. 

When he went to shut the door, april was standing there, a look on her face that made leo roll his eyes and leave the door open, walking over to the toilet. 

He lifted the lid, taking a seat to pee while he ignored the fact that april could absolutely hear and see him. 

Whatever, he thinks. It doesnt matter. Whats he going to do, drown himself in her toilet? 

He finishes, washing his hands and vacating the bathroom, situating himself in his favourite corner in the living room; It has a beanbag.

On the way there he spotted his phone on the kitchen bench, plugged into a charger. He snatched it on the way past, noticing it had full percentage. 

When he unlocked it, there were a few random notifications, a few DM's from people sending mass invites to parties. 

All the messages made his heart race, stressing him out for no reason at all. 

There was a message from raph, saying that hes sorry and to call him when can. A few from mikey, telling him that he loves him and to take his time but just look after himself. 

There wasnt any from splinter, what a surprise. 

A simple thread from senor hueso, something about updating the menu at the restaurant and wanting his opinion, which was weird because why would anyone want his opinion? A message asking him if he was okay followed hours after.

And then there was a message from his twin. 

'Im sorry, nardo. When you feel up to it, message me. 

Love, Donatello." 

It was mildly thoughtful and undoubtedly sincere, but what a drama queen. Why did he write it like an email? 

Oh, wait. If he goes into snapchat... instagram... tik tok.... pintrest, discord... his email?!

The same message. 

Why is he surprised? 

Maybe because nobody ever cares about what leo thinks. Nobody cares enough about leo to put any effort in. Atleast, his brothers and dad never really have. 

April must have given him a mouthful, or guilt was eating him alive because the softshell had a very avoidant nature when it came to the aftermath of fights with his family. But it could be because his twin had taken it as him sending leo into a shut-down-like state, empathetic and endlessly guilty because of it. 

Guilt eating someone alive is such a weird saying, obviously meant to be figurative but often being quite literal. 

Some people end their lives over guilt, not being able to handle the chewing and chewing and chewing the feeling does to their mind. 

Leo didnt register that his phone screen had gone dark until hands held his face gently, making his eyes refocus and fuzzy gaze flicker to his friends face. "Hi lelo." 

Milo was smiling, but almost in a way that he looked in pain. His lips were upturned, but just a little more than slightly, eyes furrowed. "What're ya thinkin' about?" 

What was leo thinking about? 

He backtracks, looking down and to the side as he thought. Death. He was thinking about death, as per usual. Hes only just realised, but he has a weird, involuntary obsession with death and physical pain, constantly thinking about it, especially in times like now where his mental health is bad. 

"Leo?" Right, his friend was right infront of him, speaking to him. He wasnt dying, nobody was dying. Everyone was fine. 

Leo pulled out of the snake yokais hands and looked down in his lap. He didnt want to talk about his feelings.

Milo sighed and sat back, a sound that made leo hate himself just a bit more. 

"Im not going anywhere dude," he said, giving the boy a lopsided smile. "Dont try and push me away." 

"Hey leo!" Caseys yell could be heard coming from the kitchen, light-hearted and eager. "Come help me make food!" 

Milo looked at him hopefully, to which leo just shook his head. "I dont wan' to," he whispered, voice still hoarse from not using it for days.

"Hey, thats okay." The snake yokai was so quick to reassure him, so ready to tell him that it was okay. "How about I go get us food, yeah? Snack stuff, fruits and popcorn," he offered, already standing up. 

Leo knew what he was doing, he was acutely aware of it despite feeling so floaty. 

"Us food," trying to make it sound better. 

"Snack stuff," food he liked, could stomach.

"How about I..." giving him a sense of control. 

It was all about how he was speaking, what he was saying. Leo has spent far too many years analysing every little change in people to not notice it. 

He has also spent far too long thinking about himself, to not notice that he only psychoanalyses everyones emotions and behaviours when hes masking, being 'faceman'.

Some would argue that he surely isnt being the faceman right now, absolutely not. Look at him, hes barely responsive. That doesn't look like the faceman at all. 

Hes decided that hes not scared anymore. 

Milo left, hurrying discretely to the kitchen in response to leos silence, his almost complete absence of acknowledgement. 

Maybe if he closed his eyes, let the paper thin lids fall shut over his magenta irises only for him to see darkness. Maybe as he layed down, the daydreams would project onto the blankness of his closed eyes. They wouldnt overly upset him, because he isnt usually easily overly upset by his mind, no matter what is playing. 

He did, once, have an uncontrollably horrible thought one time when michelangelo had almost gotten hit by a car (it was nowhere near the box turtle, leo had pulled him out of the way). The main subject of the imaginary happening wasnt the youngest though, but his twin, who had run ahead just before mikey, and leo was too late to pull him out of the way. 

The car scraped the softshell along the road, almost ripping him in half but not killing him on impact.

Raphael was there, and leo handed his baby brother to him, making him promise not to let him see as he cradled donatello close in his arms. 

He cried, offering little comforts as he watched for the moment his brother stopped breathing, their eye-contact forever a reminder of how they remain opposites, despite being twins. 

Leo cried over that thought for hours, and still, evidently, thinks about it to this day. 

There are many more like it, and hes, not learnt, but grown to an understanding where even though he doesnt want to think or feel these things, he doesnt fight it. 

Because it never goes away. 

"Hey babe, you think we could eat something before you have a nap?" But leo didnt want to. He didnt think he could. 

So he kept his eyes shut, breathing quiet as he let his mind run wild. All three of them tried to speak to him atleast once, but everytime he lay unmoving, unspeaking, unalive. 

-

Leo awakens to voices, all familiar and unsurprising to be heard. He wants to tune them out, but his brain latches onto noises out of paranoia, unable to let him flutter back into sleep.

He doesnt get up, however. Its not as if he could function properly if he tried anyways. Hes probably severely dehydrated, and malnourished. Was the last time he ate any food really when he had those edibles? He cant remember. 

It might be one of the reasons hes so undeniably exhausted, but he doesnt care. 

If he was any one of his brothers, and they were what, refusing to eat? Leo would have installed a nasogastric tube without a second thought. He knows the insertion is apparently painful, but once its in there its just an uncomfortable feeling. 

There was a gentle hand on his head, three fingered and warm. "Leo... hey, leo..." That voice wasn't april or milo, or even casey. That was...

"Hey big bro, can you open your eyes for me?" Michelangelo. 

He was the least mad, the brother who probably hated him least at the moment. Raph never likes him. And donnie was... 

really, really mad. 

Leo peeled his eyes open, glassy and vision having a blurry haze as he met his baby brothers amber eyes, just seeing how they lit up at the acknowledgement. "Hi lee." 

The slider merely stared at mikey, exhaustion clear in his expressionless face. 

He didnt seem to be surprised by the silence, climbing onto the beanbag and basically wrapping himself around the older. 

Milo couldnt help but scowl, watching closely. In his opinion, the youngest was the only one he'd even consider letting talk to leo right now, but he still wasnt thrilled about it. 

"I missed you," mikey said gently, not apologetic for the clinginess. "You need to eat something." 

When he was only met with silence again, he dragged leo into a sitting position, hardening his stare. "Leo, you're going to get sick if you dont eat. Like, hospital level sick," mikey says, trying to emphasise his point. "Im not saying that in a threatening way, we just want you to understand how much you're actually hurting yourself." 

He knows. Leo knows how awful this is, he can feel it in his stomach, the way it feels like its curling in on itself, the way that when he breathes his stomach growls loudly.

He hates being a 'patient' in his own med-bay, let alone a hospital. Hes never been admitted, obviously, and he doesnt particularly want to be. 

But he also cant bring himself to care. 

Lock him away.

"Leo. Are you listening?" He refocuses his eyes on his little brother, realising he hadnt even been looking at him. 

"Yea," leo murmurs, gaze drifting to rest on nothing once again. 

Mikeys eyes furrowed "Do you understand what im saying then?" 

Leo nods his head; what more can he do? 

-

Eating hadn't come easy. 

Every bite felt like sickness, and if leo went too fast, chewed too much, he could feel his entire stomach rise dangerously. 

He decided he was done for now, unable to take it. It was the act of chewing that even made him feel ill. 

Everything nauseated him. Everything hurt. 

Mikey was still here, and leo could hear him arguing with april and milo about the others coming over. They must have thought leaving the room and getting casey to try and distract him would actually work. 

It didnt. 

"Just raph to start off with, or--" He heard faintly from outside the room. 

It was followed by "fuck no! Not happening." 

"Its his decision boys, ask him," rang through his tympana. 

He heard footsteps and tuned back out, eyes pointed towards the TV despite not watching it at all. 

There was a song playing in the back of his head; hes not sure of the name or artist.

Christmas eve with your mother and sis. Dont wanna fight but your mother insists.

Leo didn't get it, his head felt all mixed up and fuzzy. He was exhausted, not understanding why because he hasnt done anything to exert any energy. 

"Leo baby? Can I talk to you?" April was infront of him, blocking the TV with her warm presence and forever loving aura. Her hand grasped his gently, giving him opportunity to pull away. 

But he didn't, instead leaning his head on her shoulder. 

The girl sighed and shuffled closer, bringing her little brother close. 

"Milo went to the roof for a minute, CJ's with mikey in the bathroom," she started gently, tracing light patterns and circles into the boys shell. "They were wonderin' if maybe you wanted to talk to raph or somethin', since you're out now and its been a few days since everything." 

Leo should talk to his brothers, shouldnt he? The conversation with raph will go just as it always does. He'll apologise for being awful, and the snapper will hold onto his anger unconciously because he doesnt understand, but still forgive him because its his little brother. 

He doesnt need to talk to splinter, whats the point. What would he say? What does he need to say? 

He and donnie dont seriously fight that often. They piss eachother off, they scream, they wrestle, they say stupid shit because theyre brothers and they know whats too far and whats okay to joke about. 

Them actually being mad at eachother? Dreading talking to eachother?

Leo cant take it. 

"..nie.." 

April leaned closer, humming, "what was that lee?" 

The slider breathed deeply, glad he didnt have to avert his gaze in this position. "Let don come over." 

The girl heard him that time, smiling, eyes crinkling lightly. "You sure you're up for it? You sound real tired." 

Leo pulled away, rubbing his eyes and shrugging, his way of agreeing despite not having much to say. 

"Okay, do you mind if raph comes over too? Or just don, whatever you're comfortable with. I 'ont want you to be overwhelmed." 

He shrugged again, using his hands as a little gesture; he doesnt care. 

The slider pulled away, curling back up on his side and closing his eyes, shell facing april. 

Everything was too heavy, he needed to lie down, to soothe some of the weight. 

He didn't deserve it. But causing himself more pain used energy he didnt have to exert right now.

- 

The next time leo woke up, rolled over and opened his glassy eyes, red and purple, with the tiniest bit of orange, engulfed his vision. 

He moved backwards to try and get a better look, but forgot he was on a beanbag, falling off the back of it to the ground. 

Fuck. 

"Leo! Are you okay? Did that hurt? Are you--" Raph. Yea, he hadn't be hallucinating that one, he really is here. 

Big strong arms picked him up, shaky and gentle as if leo was made of fresh snow and about to fall apart with the slightest touch. 

He was let down, back onto the softness he had grown used to over the past few days. For all he knew, it could have been a week. 

The timeline was hazy. He was in his shell for an apparent three days, but then he slept, and slept, and slept. 

"Leo?" He brought his eyes back to his brothers, lifting his eyelids despite not remembering when he closed them. 

Mikey looked violently concerned, nervously fidgeting with his fingers as he tried to smile. 

Raph looked like he was trying to sit as still as possible, back straightened and shoulders pushes back, eyes furrowed and mouth downturned in guilt. 

Donnie had his hands clasped together tightly, desperately, gaze flickering from his twins eyes, to his body parts. 

Thats not usually how people eye leo. Usually they're looking him up and down, with a smirk or some kind of look that they're interested in his body. That they want to use him, have him, control him, fuck him. 

"We're really glad you let us come over buddy." Raphs voice was quiet, hesitant. His eyes flickered up further behind leo, to the side just for a second. Milo was probably there supervising, glaring at them each individually. "And if you dont wanna talk to all of us now, thats okay! Just let us know." 

Donnie looked like he'd rather be anywhere else right now, that he would rather be buried alive and suffocated. 

But thats who leo needed to talk to, his twin who most likely impulsively messaged him every way he could because he was stressing. 

He feels guilty, and wants to focus on that feeling. He isnt angry, cant be angry, because this is all his fault anyways. 

"Don can stay."

Leo wants to focus on that guilt, rather than his comparison of the look donnies giving him and the look he got from jacob as he chased him around, or the way that man eyed him up and down, felt every inch of his outside body before working his way inside. 

He wonders, not because he wants to, how easy it would be for his brother to pin him down, just like he did. Violate him, just like he had. Use him. 

It would make sense. Leo isnt offering anyone anything right now, they have no reason to love him if he isnt giving them anything, if they have nothing to gain. 

He doesnt want it to happen, he'd rather burn slowly than be touched that way by any of his family, because it would almost be equivalent. 

The touch would feel like a burning, unforgiving fire. 

But he guesses, if it keeps them loving him...

"Nardo?" Only donnie was in the room now, his whisper ringing through clear. 

"I got your messages," leo hummed, smiling gently. 

Donnie shook his head. "D--dont smile leo. Dont sit there and act like you shouldn't despise me for being so awful to you." 

He took a deep breath, eyes training down. "I said I wouldn't leave you alone. I said I would understand, and help. But then I was so horrible, and it wasnt fair. Im sorry." 

Let me show you how sorry I am, a voice rang through his mind. Donnie, but not really him. "Its okay, I forgive you." 

The softshells face twisted into something alarmed, almost offended at the words. "Wha-- you-- you cannot just forgive me for that! You cant just say its okay as if you didnt just shut down for days, as if I wasnt a contributing cause to that." 

He was trying not to raise his voice, trying not to cry, leo could tell. But the sliders voice remained calm and gentle, quiet and sweet. "Do you want me to be angry with you?" 

"What? Yes-- I mean no, but how can you just forgive me like that? I dont expect to be punished for the rest of life thats obviously illogical, but its as if you dont care about how badly I treated you at all." Donnie had started rambling, unable to comprehend. 

"Im not angry." 

"Why not." 

Leo shrugged. "I deserved it. I just didnt want you to hate me." His voice was so gentle that donnie near cried on the spot. 

"Nardo you didnt deserve it, you never have," the softshell insisted, taking a deep breath. "And I couldnt ever hate you. You made me angry, and I will not apologise for feeling angry, but I am really really sorry for taking it out on you." 

Leo made his smile wider, tilting his head innocently. "Two reallys, huh?" 

Donnie was rocking lightly back and forth, legs crossed with his hands in his lap. "Yes leo. Two reallys." 

The slider almost huffed out a laugh, closing his eyes for a second before reopening them. "Ill forgive you if you come here and give me a hug." He didnt want a hug, he would rather be dipped in a volcano because what if donnie did decide that he wanted to take advantage of leo. 

Not that he thought his brother would do that, because thats... all sorts of wrong. 

Leos being stupid, donnie would never. He doesnt like using people that way, the thought of sexual endeavours disgusts him. 

He really should see if milo wants to, he can take advantage of him. He can use him if he loves him, and he says he does. 

He wont love leo anymore if he doesnt offer anything, right? 

Right. 

Donnie looked hesitant, but crawled onto the beanbag with his twin, wrapping his arms around him. 

Leo snuggled close, nuzzling his head into his head and closing his eyes. "Thank y'u," he mumbled, letting his body relax. "Can we stay like this... plea's?" 

He was squeezed tighter, as if he would float away. "Yes nardo," donnie murmured. 

"I really am sorry."

Chapter Text

The next conversation leo was supposed to have was with his eldest brother. 

He didnt feel the need to, hes fine. Everything is fine. 

While yes, hes decided he doesnt care about his life. That he will eventually kill himself. He doesnt feel the need to wallow anymore. 

He just needs to find some way to exist without feeling like he's killing shooting stars by merely staring at a wall. To stop the world from seeing that dying in the prison dimension was his peak. 

And now he only has room to crash and burn.

So the first thing he did when he woke up was crawl carefully out of his sleeping twins arms. 

He then crept down the hall, past each bedroom. Raph was asleep on the living room floor, mikey curled up on the couch. Milo was in the spare bedroom that leo had been in for the past few days, sleeping tightly. 

The slider shuffled in there quietly, peeking into the cupboard and grabbing a hoodie and jeans. He isnt sure if it was his or caseys, but they fit him nonetheless so it doesnt matter. 

Going past aprils bedroom, both her and casey were sleeping soundly. 

Good. Thats good. 

Upon grabbing his phone leo realised he didnt have either of his swords, which meant he'd have to walk.

He actually found out that he can portal without the sword, because his ninpo still exists without it. But it practically drains his mystic powers, even moreso than making new swords, and puts him out of commission for a bit. 

That didnt bother him all that much though, because it just meant he could go for a walk. 

He knows his family will be worried and mad if they wake up and hes disappeared, but he needs some way to get the newfound energy out of his system. 

When he leaves the apartment and starts walking, he realises its probably just restlessness, not energy, because he still feels like his body is being weighed down.

No matter how tired he is, he still has a hyperactivity disorder.

Leo knows that hes probably just dehydrated, and starving. And there's a mcdonalds down the street, so why not? 

He knows it was just yesterday he made up his mind to rot and die or whatever... but then he got bored. 

Crazy how violently inconsistent he is. 

He was so embarrassed to admit that he was hunrgy, which was why instead of making food at aprils apartment, he decided to just walk down a few blocks to McDonalds. He could burn calories, eat, and then burn the calories right off. Easy peasy!

Except he didnt really care about the calories. So what was it all for? 

Oh look, hes here. 

Leo pulls the hoodie further over his face, going to the electronic self-order machine and tapping out of the breakfast menu. Its easier than hoping a cashier doesnt notice his red and green scaled face. 

Taking his the docket with his number on it, he stands off the side, staring down at his pair of converse, avoiding eye-contact with anyone and everyone. 

It didnt take long for his number to be called out, taking the food and leaving quickly. He made his way into the near alley, climbing up onto the roof. 

A cheeseburger, and a bottle of water. 

It was really hard for leo to not just scarf down the food in one go, trying not to. But he did anyways, knowing he would feel sick either way. 

He made sure to drink a load of water before, taking sips in between bites and then finishing the bottle after the burger. 

He knew what was coming. 

Eating just to purge. What a waste leo. 

Hes honestly disgraceful. 

Liquids made it so much easier to empty his stomach, to initially get something up and keep going. He knew from experience that trying to vomit after having only eaten food was an awful idea. 

It burned more, he had more chance of choking, airways being clogged. 

Its a weird, but scary experience. Leos not looking to choke on his own vomit at this very moment, what an embarrassing way to kill himself. 

He supposes it would be fine, but for now he'll stick to vomiting over the rooftop into the alleyway where nobody can see him.

Hes pretty sure vomitting doesnt even get rid of a third of the calories he consumes, which just proves it wasnt about that.

It was just another way to hurt himself.

Its disgusting and filthy and life-threatening he knows, but thats him. 

They live in New York for fucks sake hes seen a lot worse. 

His fingers are in his throat until nothing more will come up, the passage burning with every gag as he his vision swims with tears. 

He wipes his green scales with the napkins from his food, tossing all the rubbish in the bag and dropping it into a dumpster below. 

Thankfully before he left aprils apartment he pinched a piece of gum from someones packet that was left on the bench, putting it in his mouth and chewing on every side until all he could taste was spearmint. 

Leo was hunrgy. 

He has been hungry, was born hungry. 

What for? What does he need? 

Its just another emptiness inside him that he hasnt ever been able to fill. 

When will he be filled? 

Is there a hole where his entire existence should be? Is he just a hole that sucks people in, for people to use? Permanently ravenous? Continuously craving? 

Never filled.

Leos thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing, picking it up without bothering to check who was on the line. "Hello?" 

"Leo? Buddy where'd you go, can you come back?" Raph. Of course it was raph. 

"I just went for a walk. Is anyone else awake?" Leo didnt want to be bombarded, lectured by everyone right now. It was peaceful, he was calm. It wasnt that serious. He's trying to not take everything so seriously, because maybe it'll make life easier.

Or he'll just end up doing stupid shit, time will tell. 

"No, its just raph awake. Do you want me to get the others? Cause--" 

"No," leo interrupted gently, immediately continuing. "Ill send you my location, it isnt that far from the apartment. But just dont bring everyone, im seriously fine." 

He could hear the olders worry and frustration pooling in his voice, but he agreed despite his own feelings, saying he'd be there soon. 

Leo knew he wasnt lying, raph cant lie to save his life. He feels revolting afterwards, and struggles to keep secrets - even more than mikey during the piebald situation. 

Less than twenty minutes went by, and he heard the snapper land on the rooftop, large loud steps walking towards him. "Leo? You good?" 

He had to stop himself from groaning, knowing it would only start a fight. He doesnt want to fight, he doesnt want to feel. He doesnt know what he wants. "Yes. I said I was fine." 

Taking a sear next to his younger brother, raph looked at him confusedly. "Then why would you leave while everyones still in bed?" 

"Because I wanted to," leo said gently, keeping the apathetic tone out of his voice that he used to accidentally speak with continuously. "I may be depressed, but that doesnt cancel out understimulation." 

Raph accepted that, letting a silence overtake them for a moment. 

Leo waited, he knew what was coming. It always comes, its just never anything he wants to hear. 

"Im sorry leo. For everything." There it was. Soft, gentle, sincere, guilty. Leo offered a hum, as always, turning to face the older when he continued. "Seriously. Im sorry i never stood up for you against dad, and im sorry for taking my anger out on you. You didnt deserve that." 

Well that wasn't entirely what he expected.

Casey must have spoken to them, somewhat about what they had talked about. 

The thing was though, it wasnt about leo deserving it. It was about him needing to make up for his existence - to prove that he was more than just the physical embodiment of uselessness and filth. 

"I dont have any reason, you were just the one who was always there. It wasnt fair." But raphs wrong. There is a further reason for it. "There is a reason for it." 

Raph did a double take, watching as leos head turned away to look out at the city. "Its partly because of me, but also partly because of dad." 

"What..?" Sometimes the slider forgets people dont think as deeply, or as extremely, as he does. Not perpetually stuck in mental loop after loop. 

"You had this loathing for dad, coming from the fact he made you look after us, made us look after ourselves when we were toddlers. Seriously, how many times did mikey call you dada when he was learning to talk? And then that was all I said for weeks after?" Judging but the clicks errupting from the snapper, leo was right. Just as he had thought. "And... I remind you of dad, in a way." 

"What, leo? No I--" 

"I know you dont hate me." Raph watched and listened, eyes furrowed and frowning. He wasnt sure if leo did know that. "I know that me and dad are seperate people. But out of all of us, I'm the most like him. He sees it, you see it. I see it." 

"Leo... you've never been like dad enough to deserve any of that. Sure yous are similar in certain ways but..." The older wasnt sure what to say. What could he possibly do to make any of this better? "Im like dad too. We all are. In bad ways." 

Leo hummed in question, eyes raising as if asking for him to continue. "Part of me thought you deserved pops treating you like that, jus' because I was jealous that you seemed like everythin' I couldnt ever be. I was resentful and I took it out on you, instead of realisin' I was angry with pops and jus' supportin' you with all the sudden being thrown leader, like I should've." 

Another hum. "I know. I forgive you." He doesn't know if he knows how to forgive. 

"You know its funny," he starts, looking down at the concrete rooftop and smiling. "All i wanted to do was help dad. And you, so you didnt have to help him, and donnie and mikey wouldnt get severe emotional damage or something." Leos voice was clear, but dull. Lacking. 

He was holding his breath, waiting. 

He doesnt know what hes waiting for, he'll never be what his dad or brothers want him to be. 

Maybe he's waiting for the time where it all actually stopped and he could end his life without worrying his family would ripple and tear apart.

There was humor in his words, but his tone... raph didnt find it funny, but clearly his brother didnt either so he didnt feel the need to comment on it.

"But," leo sighed, finally turning to the snapper. "He's a hamato. Theres no cure for that." 

"Leo--" 

"I'll be like this forever." Ice. Suddenly his voice seemed colder.

"It just hurt, because when dad made me leader I had never felt like I needed you that much since I was little. And you weren't there. You went out of your way to not be there." 

Raph doesnt know that leos tired of wanting more. Hes been used, worn, teared, sewed together, played with, chewed up, spat out, abused, cradled, coddled, turned inside out and had the outside put back in, spun around and then forced not to spin. 

Hes tried of expecting anything else.

Hes accepting it until he actually ends it all. Dismissing the idea that hes broken to the point of being fixable, because if he considers that idea, it means he's been damaged and wasnt just born something. Its not all his fault, he has to rely on something to blame.

Something.

Maybe hes just scared of acknowledging the realisation that hes actually just some fucked up kid who needs help.

Maybe, he just hates himself so much that he cant stop finding ways to blame himself for everything awful that has happened. 

"You can have dad apologise to you and go on your merry way, healing your trauma or whatever and blame everything on me--" A sigh, exasperation. Frustration. 

He wasnt feeling very calm anymore. 

Raph bit his lip to keep it from wobbling. "But whatever the fucks wrong with me is deeper than being neglected and ignored as a kid. Its not because you--" the only consistent form of adult figure hes ever had," or dad, didnt love me enough, its like I was born this way." 

Born hungry.

Born waiting.

Born something. 

Born.

An mirthlessly insufferable reality. 

What does he need?

It sounds so idiotic, because obviously he was born. But for him, merely existing was a discomforting and irking feeling that made his skin crawl. Made him want to scream. 

Because maybe he didnt really want to die, but he couldnt live this way. So it was his only choice. 

Leo doesnt have another choice, and hes the only one making the choices. 

Some mentally ill fifteen year old who's self worth is determined by how useful he is to others.

Who the fuck put him in charge? 

"Have you really been this unhappy for years?" Raph blurted out, heart sinking as he watched his brother shrug. 

"The empty feeling is easier to ignore when you're eight and thinking of running away so you can choose to be alone instead of being left alone. But as I got older..." leo trailed off, trying to find the most least concerning way he could explain himself. 

"Before we started going on missions and doing our whole hero shtick, I couldn't just kill myself. I was rational enough to know that it would hurt you guys, but maybe if I just….missed a step in a fight? No one would blame themselves, because seemingly, it was an accident." It made so much sense in his head, even as he said it outloud it still sounded fine. He could tell raph didnt agree though. 

"I heard 'fake it till you make it' once from dad when I was eight, and rolled with it. You guys were crying because I was crying when I broke my wrist? And I was like but it hurts blah blah blah and he said fake it because I was making everybody sad--" raph remembers that. 

"Now look! It made everything better for everyone. Having a faceman. The two dimensional, superficial idiot who cant take anything seriously, so he doesnt ever hurt anyone." 

"Leo when we were younger, even up to six months ago, I was always so scared you'd never just grow up. Take responsibility and be mature. Because you just... never would-- you'd always get yourself into reckless and dangerous situations." Leo wasnt sure where this was going, it sounded like the beginning of a lecture. But the snappers voice didnt hold that usual judgemental tone.

"But that day, when you saved us from the kraang," raph paused, taking in leos wide magenta eyes, mouth wound into a thin line at the mention of the invasion that nearly killed them all. "I was scared you'd never grow up. Because you're our brother and we love you. Alive." 

The slider was always silent when anyone acknowledged the kraang, somehow raph was only just noticing that. 

Leo didnt think he would ever grow up either. 

He still isn't sure he will. 

It isn't like he's opposed to having an actual happy future, he would actually really like if that's how his life turns out. 

But it's hard to look forward to something he can't even imagine. 

A few moments went by, minutes with both boys unspeaking before the snapper couldnt take it. "Do'ya wan'a hug?" 

"No," leo muttered, quick to answer. 

"Are you mad?" He did however chuckle at that, an overly bitter sound. 

"No. Im just in a shit mood now." 

"Sorry." 

Silence again. 

"Can I ask you somethin'?" 

"You will anyways." 

"When was the last time you were actually happy leo?" The sliders thoughts froze for a moment. 

He wants to say when he saw his brothers on the other side of that portal, but despite being relieved to see them alive, he wasnt happy that they were there to save him. 

He wants to say when they defeated the shredder, because he was so proud of his family - his dad - but then he was made leader. He didnt want to be leader, and it only gave his family more bullets to shoot him with, no matter how good he was. 

So his go to wants to be his and donnies fifteenth birthday, but he still cried a lot that day. 

Christmas?... he...

He doesnt know, because surely it wasnt the last time he was high with milo, being stupid and making brownies while the snake yokai made them actual dinner because they got the munchies and were starving after eating nothing all day, only smoking.

So he doesn't answer, leaving his brother only with the background noise of the city.

Raph used to crave silence when he was younger. Tranquillity and calmness was never something they had growing up, especially in a house full of boys. 

Leo knew from pretty young that he was trans, despite it taking a while for him to understand it himself. He might have been eight or nine when he finally snapped, telling everyone he was a boy and to stop making him wear girl clothes, stop calling him 'daughter' and 'sister' and nicknaming him things like 'leona', 'ona', and 'lola'. 

Despite that, it was always the same. It was always a house filled with rowdy children who had no proper discipline and no social interaction other than endless days with eachother. 

Quiet time was rare. 

But now, sitting here next to the brother that was usually the loudest, or at the root of the noise, he felt like he was suffocating in dead air. 

He hated it. 

"Do you wanna head back to aprils?" Raph asked hesitantly, voice gentle. Leo shook his head. 

"Wanna go home?" Another shake of his head. 

"Wanna stay here for a bit?" He hid his face in his knees, shaking his head no for a third time. 

"Leo..." 

"Dont," he snapped, voice dry and muffled. "I dont know. I dont care." 

"You wont feel like this forever, I promise. You dont have to carry all this weight." Raph was trying to offer some kind of comfort, but he didnt know what the slider needed. What he wanted other than to--

"Where do I put it down?" 

He stopped, what? "What?"

"The weight," leo spat, lifting his head from his knees and glaring. "Where do I put it down if I dont have to carry it around? Are you gonna carry it for me? Is donnie? What about mikey? April milo casey? Oh what about dad, will he pick up the weight his fifteen year old son is suffocating under? Is it gonna crack the earth and doom us all when I put it down? Because raph its fucking heavy." 

"Leo--"

"Nono, I dont think you get it." Okay raph. Whats happening.

Leos angry, hes having an angry moment. Dont make him angrier.

"You were always dads favourite, you always took all the credit for looking after us but I held this fucking family together you know I did which is where all that fucking jealousy stemmed from. I didnt listen to you and I did your job better than you. I made you feel useless--" the slider stood up, going over the words in his head - things he hadnt even realised until now were pouring out of his mouth. 

"Just how you all told me I was!" 

"You want me to be afraid to die?! To want to live?! Why make me hate myself then! HUH? Because congratulations raph, I dont wanna live!" Heavy, laboured breaths. 

Snap. 

That wasn't fair. Leo knows it wasnt.

But nothing hes ever gone through has been fair either. So what the hell.

"Im sorry." 

...

"We're sorry." 

...

"Leo im sorry." 

...

-

Eventually they went back to aprils. Raph followed leo around the city for what felt like hours, but was probably only thirty minutes of running. 

The slider didnt tell him to get lost, or try to shake him off, letting the snapper run slightly behind him the entire way without speaking once. 

Leo knew his family was growing tired of him. They were out of ideas, they were scared. What were they going to do? 

The family had questions, but chose not to ask them when seeing the permanent scowl on their brothers face.

Fuck all that shit he said earlier. He hopes an asteroid crashes into the earth and kills them all. 

- 

"Leo. We have to talk." Not this again. "What now." 

When he was taken out into the living room, the first thing leo noticed was where everyone was. 

Donnie was sitting on the lone recliner to the right of the room, while april and milo were on the three person couch. Raph was sitting on the floor below the window, looking at him hopefully. 

Casey was up near the kitchen, leaning backwards against the bench. Probably in case leo tried to run out the door or something, which is also probably why raph is sitting right infront of the window.

April smiled, patting the spot on the couch next to her a couple times "Come sit down blue, we're gonna go over some stuff." 

Leo weighed out his options, before walking over and sitting next to his sister, crossing his legs and hugging a pillow to his chest. "What stuff?" 

Mikey followed over, sitting between the couch and the coffee table infront of april. "We're going to try and go through everything, and maybe put it in a little mental health plan!" 

"What does that even mean," leo groaned, already knowing this was just another stupid idea to make him magically perfect and safe, that was eventually going to fall through anyways. 

Just like the no drug rule, and the meal planning, and the 'someone needs to constantly be with leo' routine. 

It even goes back to earlier years now that he thinks about it. He wasnt allowed to leave his room during sleeping hours, wasnt allowed to skateboard. 

Leo had a lot of rules growing up, and he ignored all of them. 

"It means we're going to go through some issues, and figure out how best to support you!" Mikey was trying to helpful, the slider knows hes just doing it because he cares and his entire family is just as lost as he is. 

But what they arent understanding is that he is just as lost as they are. 

"Thats fucking stupid." 

"Leo, language." 

"Piss off." 

Mikey tried to smile, lip quivering and eyes squinting. "Could you try to work with us here bro, please? We wont know if it'll help, unless we try." 

Leo watched the younger, glaring for a moment before clicking and groaning. "Fine. Whatever." 

The box turtle visibly lit up with relief, a slither of hope. Leo couldnt help but feel his heart melt, dropping his glare and smiling half-heartedly. "So, this plan. It isn't gonna help me kill myself?" 

Out of the corner of his eye he could see raph about to speak up, when mikey snorted. His smile widened, genuinely this time. "Nope! Its supposed to do the opposite." 

"Terrific!" Leos mock-enthusiasm earned a few more scoffs, shakes of heads. He called it a win. 

He wonders how he can make such shitty jokes right now, but another thought contradicts himself: what else can he do? 

"Hey leo." The sliders head turns to casey, the boy still in the same position he was earlier. "Do you mind if I ask you a question?" 

"Go ahead CJ. You're kinda behind on the shitshow that is neon leon soooo ask away!" Leo was trying to guess what the question would be, but then again it could be anything so he could never know for sure. 

"How many times have you tried to kill yourself?" He asked gently, and leo wanted to wait to answer because of the hesitant look on the olders face, but he knew it wasnt the right move. 

"Well, I'm not too sure. It depends on if you count doing things for the plot in hopes I die, or just straight forwardly trying to kill myself," he explains, churring when april placed her hand on his knee comfortingly. "Straight-forwardly." 

"Well," leo sighed, thinking. "Hmmmm... I didnt think there were that many, maybe four serious attempts in the last two or three years, I think? I dont really keep track." 

Casey looked the tiniest bit horrified, but for a reason that leo thinks is because of his past dimension.

Did his master leonardo ever attempt? "Yea, okay. Can I ask you another question?"

"Shoot." 

"When did you start hurting yourself?" He guesses he saw that coming, he hasnt actually been asked that question yet. 

"Uhm... I think I was eleven. I hurt myself on accident doing something stupid, and dad said I deserved it as karma or whatever. Which is a pretty casual statement, but you know, brain things. When I messed up, I did it as punishment, then it just... literally turned into a hobby I dont know--" leo explained, waving his hands around. "Anyways!" Yea, topic change time...

"Okay! Now, I have a small list of things i think we need really to talk about. Like your sleeping and eating habits--" groan. "Your intrusive thoughts especially involving hurting yourself--" scoff. "And your triggers." Huh? 

Triggers? "My... triggers?" Leos life right now is a permanent trigger. 

"Yea, psychological triggers," mikey started gently. 

"A trigger is a stimulus that elicts a reaction," donnie recited helpfully, the orange turtle nodding his head in response before continuing. 

"They could be people, places, smells, topics, foods, memories, that remind you of a certain traumatic event. Meaning we should avoid them to stop from worsening symptoms - does that make sense?" Despite mikeys very soft-toned explanation, leo found himself struggling to pay attention. 

He didnt want to pay attention. 

He was trying to think of specific triggers, because of course before any explanation was given he knew what his brother was talking about. 

Everything triggers something though, but then again nothing at all-- thats why its so hard.

Intrusive thoughts dont disappear, not even while hes sleeping because they seep into his dreams and mix with nightmarish memories that plague his mind at all times.

Eating is hard when all he can focus on is being sick, and anytime he eats at a dining table, or out with his family, he feels himself dissociating no matter how hard he tries not to. 

Every time he sees bandages or scars along his body he thinks of hurting himself, whether its the act of doing it at that very moment or just remembering why he did it in the first place. 

He thinks of jumping every time he's on a tall building, or somewhere higher up. Would I die if I jumped right now? If I landed the right way, if I was left long enough. 

Then, sometimes, he tries to go "hey, thats not a healthy thought process, lets think about something else!" 

But it doesnt work. 

Trying to think about something else is trying not to think about it. But he's focusing so hard on the new thing, his brain is like what are you doing why are trying to hard to to do this thing, and thinks about why, which leads to thinking about the original thought even more.

It makes sense, and it's really, really, annoying. 

Harsh touch makes him think of the shredder, or kraang, or jacob, or the other yokai, or his dad. But gentle touch makes him think about it too, about how different it is and how he doesnt deserve it.

Leos thought process is just so undeniably negative, pessimistic, catastrophe based, that he struggles to escape it. 

What can he do? 

He needs to fix that first, obviously. But how?

Huh, wait. His hands were really cold all the sudden, and... wet. 

Oh. He must have zoned out or something, long enough for ice to be placed in his hands. He could see it, head already tilted down at his six fingers that were once fidgeting. 

"--ust wait... he's coming back, see?" He rolled the icecube around in his palm, squeezing the reminisce into his scales before shaking his hands lightly, wiping water onto the couch. 

"You shithead, dont wipe it on the cushions," he heard april say light-heartedly, not knowing what else to offer. 

"Leo? You there?" Milo reached for his hand, squeezing gently. 

The slider squeezed back, flicking his eyes to mikey. "That wont work. Pick another thing to go through." 

The box turtles eyes furrowed, but he didnt push back, nodding his head. "Could you explain to us how it wouldn't work?" 

"Because my head's too negative to have actual specific triggers to go through and avoid. Everything I think is negative." Leo was surprised at how soft his own voice has come out, quiet. But he felt a little out of it. The only sound he could hear besides the near silent hum of eletronics like the fridge, the faint sound of the TV. "It just wont work." 

"That's fine lelo, thanks for explaining," milo immediatly responded, smiling when leos gaze was brought up to meet his. "You're doing well with being honest, its real appreciated." 

It was something so comforting in the snake yokais eyes that didnt make leo feel like he was being pitied or mocked-- patronised! That was the word he was searching for. 

No, milos care was so unbelievably genuine, the slider couldnt help but give a small smile. 

"Okay, could I propose another idea then? It's kinda more of a solution, but you know," Mikey said, waiting for an response before continuing. "When you have a bad thought, or feeling of any kind, say it out loud." 

Leo stared at him weirdly. "Just... anything I think about? If its slightly concerning, say it outloud?"

"Yup! That way you're getting it out of your system, its helpful to say things outloud to better process them, andddd we'll know whats going on!" The box turtle explained, eyes wide and hopeful. "If you cant express it verbally at the time, then theres always sign, or texting." 

Leo thought for a moment, contemplating. It might actually be helpful, but... can he really do that? "What if I'm by myself?" He countered, curious. 

"Well," mikey started, fully turning his body to face the slider. "That's when you have to take some responsibility and reach out. You most likely wont be left alone for a while," of course. "But! In the case that you are, I still want you to say the thought outloud, but then come find one of us, or text us and we'll come to you. Even if its the middle of the night, come wake someone up. We'll all make sure our ringers are on." 

It actually wasnt an awful idea, despite the way it obviously had flaws. And it was very considerate of mikey to suggest, but how is he supposed to put that burden on them? Leo isn't their responsibility, neither is his safety or happiness. 

It isnt fair to put that on them, to have them ready to wake up in the middle of the night to whatever shit mood he's in at the time. 

"Leo, bud," raphs voice was weirdly compassionate, toothy grin soft and automatic. "Make your inside voice your outside voice." 

Leo must have shown that he was stuck thinking, probably by his facial expression, or his eyes. 

He sighed, playing with milos fingers, fingertips brushing against his smooth black nailpolish. 

"I don't want you guys to feel you have to watch me, or be responsible for making me feel okay," he murmured. "It's really hard being responsible for others, I dont wanna be a burden like that. Because the only person who should be responsible for my safety and emotions is me." 

"Technically, a parent or guardian is responsible for your safety," donnies voice rang through, making leo huff gently. Splinter wouldnt even know how to begin looking after leo. 

"Thats very emotionally mature of you hun," april said instead, voice sweet like honey as she watched leo with stern eyes. "But you're important to us, and we're here to support you. You aren't a burden, and we aren't making ourselves responsible for you." 

Leo sighed, pinching milos scales lightly, making sure he wasn't hurting him considering they weren't his fingers. "Promise?"

The response to his little mumble was immediate, his entire family agreeing. "Promise." 

He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. "Okay." 

"Uhm, raph?" 

"Yea bud?" 

"Im sorry for snapping at you this morning. You were just trying to help, and I got... uh... I was having a moment," leo tried, not knowing how to explain. All the sudden it had just felt like the word was against him again. He was just-- overwhelmed with anger and frustration. 

"All good little brother, raph needed to hear it, and you needed to let it out." Another toothy grin, reminding leo while he searched for raphs praise for so long. 

He definetly still does, but it's something he's super in denial about. 

"Okay! Next order of business--"

"Can we not talk about eating right now miguel? Please." Leo really didnt want to bring that up right now, because he literally vomited just this morning after eating McDonalds - which none of them knew about. And he'd love if it would stay that way. 

He expected his family to protest, but they didn't, respecting it and moving on which he reallt appeciciated. 

"What about sleeping habits, is it okay if we try to figure them out?" The slider hummed, mumbling in agreement. 

"Question. What are the main reasons for your constant inability to sleep regularly?" Donnie, once again popping in whenever he felt like he was needed, which was so on brand for his twin that leo couldn't even be annoyed by it. 

"I...mm..." He should be honest. That is what this is all about, but it's also hard when everything he says is so embarrassing and weird and make him so--

vulnerable. 

He took a deep breath before answering, voice just a mumble. "I get... scared, sometimes. I go to bed at ten, I'm thinking too much, and all the sudden its five in the morning and I want coffee. But coffee makes me feel awful, so I drink lots of it. Anyways thats off topic, I just... I dont really know. Anxiety, insomnia." 

"What are you scared of?" Raph asked suddenly, chasm clear as ever. 

"Just stupid stuff," leo quickly assured, shaking his head. "Nightmares, you guys being in danger... feeling like i'm in danger. I mean, there's other stuff too because I'm not always scared." He tried to play it off, changing the pitch of his voice and not keeping eye-contact with anyone. 

"This observation might not have enough data to support it," donnie started, leaning forward on his crossed legs, back hunched over and battle shell missing. "But you seem to have an easier time sleeping when you're around one of us, or atleast you aren't having as awful of a time being awake." 

Mikey nodded along. "I've noticed that too, and of course you've always had troubles with sleeping because of ADHD, and you don't take your medication," he said, giving the blue turtle a stink eye, watching as he was waved off.

"What if we have sleepovers every night! Doesn't matter where, I have my hammock in my room, raphs mattress is huge, donnie has that big beanbag in his lab, and a waterbed in his room, two of us can fit in your bed, april casey and milo have entire apartments to themselves--" the box turtle finally stopped to take a breath, exhaling dramatically and grinning. "Wha'cha think?" 

"Yea... we can try that I guess. Uh also speaking of home, can we go home now? I miss my bed... and my tea... and uni..." His voice got significantly quieter as he continued, cringing in on himself. 

"Course we can go home!" Mikey beamed, bouncing up and practically pouncing on top of leo, wrapping his arms around his neck. 

The slider laughed and hugged him back, not noticing his families fond smiles at the sound. 

They haven't heard their brother laugh in a while. It was nice to hear. 

Leo turned to april, smile still on his face. "Thanks for letting me crash apes. Im sorry I was being difficult." 

The girl hummed, lips upturned, showing the dimple on the left side of her cheek as she squeezed both of her youngest brothers into her arms. 

"You weren't bein' difficult dingbat, like I said. My door's always open to you," she quoted herself, false annoyance in her voice. "Glad you finally feel like going home though." 

Leo hummed and licked her cheek, being released and smacked lightly. "Hey!" 

They hung out for a bit longer, before milo went back to his uncles apartment complex, and the four boys eventually made their way home. 

When leo walked to his room, his mouth fell open confusedly when he pushed his traincar door open. "You cleaned my room?" 

"Correct," donnie affirmed, standing to the side. 

"We know ya don't like people in your room, so we just fixed your clothing racks, made your bed and vaccumed." Raph sounded delighted with their work, arms crossed against his chest and proud smile. 

Mikey peeked infront of leo, walking into the room spinning with his arms in the air. "We wanted to do something nice for you! And I fixed your broken action figures by the way." 

"Milo picked up new sheets and blankets for us. Your others were torn and stained, but these are the same material if not softer, because he has a suspicious amount of money," donnie explained, murmuring the last bit. 

Leo laughed at his twins scepticism, pulling his hands up to wipe his teary eyes. "Mateo owns and runs that entire apartment complex, and milos parents were loaded before they died so he has a cazy amount of money," he huffed out, trying to keep himself from crying. 

Mikey could see his quivering smile and glossy eyes though, frowning and walking towards his brother. "Lee? Whats wrong?" 

The slider giggled and it quickly turned into a sob, hiding his face with his hands. He cried quietly even when he was pulled into a group hug, not pushing his brothers away. "Talk to us." 

"M sorry for being so messed up lately... You g'ys are great... m jus' dramatic," he mumbled, magenta eyes wide and sad. 

"You don't have to apologise, you aren't being dramatic," mikey assured, voice stern. 

Leo hiccuped hiding his face further in the mess of limbs and bodies. "I re'lly do love you guys... I promis'." 

"Of course we know that, we love you too," raph churred, wrapping all his younger brothers into his arms. 

From the corner of the doorway, splinter stood out of sight, watching his boys with a small, fond smile. The lair had been far too quiet lately, he was missing them. 

He walked into the room slightly, quietly. "Would you boys like pizza for dinner? I have ordered it, and it should be ready soon." 

The three glanced at their father, but turned to watch as leo peeked his head out, sniffling and looking down at the rat man. "That sounds good dad, thanks." 

Chapter Text

"Don?" 

clang

"Nardo? Galileo, I thought everyone was asleep." 

Leo shrugged, walking into his twins lab hesitantly with a pillow hugged close to his chest. "Everyone but me and you." 

He had already been past mikey and raphs rooms, being completely silent with the exceptions of quiet snores. He didnt want to wake them up, guiltily hoping his twin was awake instead. His dad might be awake, he isnt sure though.

If he doesn't have to wake someone up, he wasn't going to.

Donnie hummed and waved the blue turtle into his lab, turning back around in his chair. "Is everything alright?" 

"I mean," leo started, pausing for a moment before continuing with a smirk. "I still have my left hand, so it cant be all right." 

The softshell just rolled his eyes. "That was bad, even for you." 

There was silence for a moment, the sounds of low humming tech and the twins breaths before donnie continued. "So? Are you alright."

Leo thought for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. "Don't lie to me either, asshole." 

"Im not going to," he said quickly, as if he wasnt considering it. "I just cant sleep. Too... dunno, wired up. Cant stop thinking about anything and everything." 

Donnie looked back to the scribbled notes and plans on his desk, an unusual lack of order and tidiness that leo wasnt used to seeing in this area of the lab. 

The softshell squinted his eyes at the writing for a moment, before eventually groaning and pressing on his closed eyes with his hands. "I cant think." 

Leo mentally kicked himself, clearly having interrupted his brother despite it being so late. "Sorry dee." 

But donnie immediately shook his head in protest, waving his hand at his twin in a way that told him to stop. "Eyeroll. It isn't your fault, dum dum. My brain is just..." 

"Overworked and mushy?" Leo asked with a small smile, walking over to the desk and skimming over what the softshell was working on. "Your handwriting is all the sudden worse than a kindergartener." 

"Hardy har. Very funny," donnie said sarcastically, stiffling a yawn. 

"Seriously dee, take a break." Leos face turned more stern, checking the tab on the softshells laptop to make sure it would save and then closing it. "You can either sit here for hours and do nothing, making yourself feel all gross and dumb, or you can have some rest and be productive later." 

Donnie groaned and let his twin drag him to his feet, slowly out of the lab while he was blindly guided, rubbing his eyes. "I need to--" 

"Nope. We're not playing the mad scientist game tonight," leo cut him off simply, going into donnies bedroom. 

"You arent doctor feelings leo, stay in your lane." He chose to ignore his twins mumbles of protest.

The only time the genius spent time in his own bedroom was when he was sleeping, or resting, and not even every night. The lab had an entire corner with a small bed, and beanbag, for naps and sleeping if he wanted to continue to work. 

It was mostly for leo and mikey, but he wouldnt ever admit it. 

"You need to sleep don don," the slider said gently, leading the older to his bed and making him sit. "You cant make genius tech when your brain isnt working properly-- when was the last time you slept more than a couple hours at a time?" 

"When was the last time you slept more than a couple hours at a time," donnie bit back, no heat in his voice. 

"You know thats different," leo hummed in return, pushing the softshell into the bed and sitting down as well, legs crossed. "You force yourself to stay awake, I have a hard time staying asleep." 

"Eye-roll," was all donnie offered. 

Leo literally rolled his eyes at his twins dramatics, draping the weighted blanket over his shoulders and pushing him into a laying down position. "Just five minutes, okay? Then if you're still awake you can go back to working." 

"You're insufferable." 

"Please," leo said quietly, smile wiped from his face. He stared at his twin with wide eyes, lips pouted out unnoticeabley and head tilted slightly to the left. "You know I get worried about this kind of thing."

The softshell stared for a moment; leo does obsess over their health, all the time. He almost tries to micro-manage them, watching them eat, sleep, and he's always the one who sends doctor feelings donnies way.

The older huffed, closing his eyes. "Five minutes. Then I'm going back to work. You lay down too." 

Leo kept himself from smiling, laying down and snuggling behind the older into his soft shell. "Just five minutes." 

"Start a timer." 

Leo pulled out his phone, pretending to set a timer and then throwing it to the end of the bed. "Done." 

They both layed in silence, the blue twin focusing on the others breathing to keep his mind from wandering too deep into the darkness. 

Recently, over the last two or three weeks since his latest... moments, he chooses to call them, his brothers had always been there the minute he found himself unable to sleep during the night. He always feels them hovering, but he lets them get the protectiveness out of their system. 

He does it for them, it keeps them happy.

They think they're helping by doing it, and other things.

That's all that matters, right? That they believe he's getting better? 

Being looked after isn't so bad every once and while. Besides, eventually they'll stop, just like after the shredder, and kraang, and that time he was dropped off a roof, the first couple of big fights he had with his dad--

Leo attempts to keep count of the seconds, so within the first two minutes he hears donnies breathing slow, body fully relaxing into the bed. At three minutes he doesnt hear the softshell stir at all, slowly sitting up and reaching for his phone, waiting. 

When it gets to four minutes, he peeks around at his twins face, looking at his closed eyes and slightly opened mouth squished into his pillow. 

At five minutes, he carefully crawls off the bed, taking his phone and his discarded pillow with him as he takes one more look at his twin before leaving.

The five minute trick always works. Especially on donnie. 

Leo was hoping he would have someone to stay up with tonight, because despite feeling the effects of minimal sleep, it didnt feel like a night that he would actually be able to rest - definetly not by himself anyways. Unlike other nights where by the time he finds one of his brothers to bother, he can snuggle up and eventually fall into unconciousness, pray for no weird nightmares. 

But tonight his brain felt weirdly wired, like it was moving four million miles per hour - so fast that he didnt even know he was thinking about. It was blurry. Watching his phone in his bedroom alone wasn't enough.

So he was walking around the lair in an old paramore shirt he and donnie stole from hot topic a year ago, and a pair of grey socks. He had one of his pillows, because that seemed a little less pathetically childish compared to walking around with a stuffy.

Now all three of his brothers were in their rooms, sleeping soundly like he wishes he was. 

Sure he could just snuggle into one of their beds and pray he didnt toss and turn, accidentally waking whichever poor sleeping turtle up he decided to bother - but that wasnt a risk he wanted to take, not while he was feeling so restless. 

He doesnt want to message april; the girl has been super busy with school lately and she would either be sleeping or studying, so he doesnt want to disturb her. 

He doesnt want to take the risk waking up CJ, knowing the older had very odd and concerning sleeping patterns as well.

He knows milo is sleeping, because they were talking a few hours ago and said goodnight to eachother. The snake yokai was going to come over sometime around lunch, which Leo's practically buzzing about even though they saw eachother just two days ago. 

So he goes to the kitchen, does a few turns and twists, deciding to make tea, then realising it was too much effort. He goes to grab a cookie, but there's only the raisin kind. 

He wants water, but he forgot to refill his drink bottle last time he drank out of it, so now its empty and he doesnt want to dirty a glass for a sip of water.

He huffs and leaves the kitchen, stopping in the main area and considering where he was going to go next. 

He knows his family insisted he asks for help when he needs it, but he still cant bring himself too. 

He doesnt know exactly why.

- 20 minutes later - 

Leo was never scared of the dark as a kid. He actually welcomed it, cherished its quietness; the lack of yells were acts of kindness in his childish eyes.

However, as he grows older, he realises he wasn't scared for another reason.

He has darkness in him.

It has taken him a few years to realise, but how could he not when the darkness took over, controlled, stole the kindness and mirrored the hatred of the outside world. 

Hopefully, eventually, he will win against the darkness; a light will be born.

But he knows the darkness comes back. It will come back. 

And the little light that was born? 

It'll cower.

He will cower.

"Blue?" Leo opened his eyes when he heard his fathers voice, feeling a small rat hand on his scaled forehead. "Are you alright my son?" Light.

Leo sat up and stretched lazily, looking at splinter with hald lidded eyes. "All good dad." Darkness

"Mm hmm," splinter hummed dubiously. "Why are you on the floor? And at this early in the morning? You should be sleeping, like your brothers." 

"They are sleeping, dont worry," leo quickly assured, standing up and stretching. "I'm just... I dont know, couldn't sleep. What are you doing up?" 

"I have been sleeping," splinter started, voice surprisingly gentle. "I went to get a drink of water." 

"Cool." Leo rubbed his eye, yawning widely. "Night then." 

"Ah ah," the older protested, reaching for his sons free hand. "Come, leonardo." 

"What are you..." leo followed confusedly, letting himself be guided along until he realised they were going to his fathers room. "Oh, dad no really, I'm okay. You can--" 

"Hush," the rat cut him off, shaking his head. "I have an episode to watch of that telenova you love so much anyways."

"María María: los siete maridos? You still keep up with that?" It was a series that leo always used to sneak into splinters TV room, or his bedroom, to watch with him. He used to crawl behind his dads chair and peek around the side, reading the subtitles as he tried to remember what each word meant. 

Eventually the older caught him, but instead of getting angry and yelling like the small slider thought he would, he let him stay. 

He said that as long as leo was quiet, he could watch the show - which wasn't a hard task considering he only really snuck into the TV room with his dad when he was non-verbal and wanted quiet time. 

He didnt mind the minimal chatter rule either way, because he was just so happy to be spending time with the rat man. He was still small enough to snuggle next to his dad on his chair, and the older let him. 

Splinter nodded his head and jumped up onto his bed, patting the mattress next to him. "Yes, that is the one. Ever since you liked it when you were young, I have just continued to watch it. It had become a habit." 

"What do you think of Lorenzos affair with Valerie?" Leo asked excitedly, crawling into the bed. He pushed the blanket over further to his dads side, kneeding it nervously, worried he was overstepping into the olders space. "Because I was watching, and Veronica being peeved was so me." 

Splinter chuckled and turned the TV on, going to the previously recorded episode and pressing play. "I was definetly not expecting it. Lorenzo had not even told Joaquin about it." 

"Right!" 

Splinter got himself comfortable laying down as the intro to the show played, glancing at his son and smiling; the youngers attention was stolen immediately. His hands were fiddling with the blanket, rubbing the fabric between his fingers gently. 

The older thinks back to when his blue son was young, struggling to sleep during the night even when he was a mere tot. Splinter would have to stay up late, rocking the slider to sleep for sometimes hours - not that the younger would remember, he was so tiny. 

He used to always rub the fabric of his fathers robe between his fingers, sometimes the fur on his arms - God, sometimes the turtle tot would reach up for splinters furry ears just to play with the round, soft texture. 

He would only stop when he fell asleep, hand slowly but gently going slack as he finally would fall unconcious.

Some things never change. 

Leos brain was now focused on the TV, the loud buzzing in his head reducing to a tired hum now that his mind was set on something recognisable. 

About half way through the episode splinter looked over to the slider, noticing his slumped figure and droopy, distant eyes. 

"Leonardo," he called gently, sitting up slightly. 

Leo seemed to snap out of his daze, turning his eyes to his dad and humming in acknowledgement. 

The rat man patted the pillow next to him, offering a warm smile. "Rest blue, it is very late." 

The slider blinked and rubbed his eyes, chirping quietly. "Yea... okay..." 

He slid a little further down the bed, slowly curling up and laying his head on one of the pillows. 

Splinter placed a gentle hand on the smallers head, lightly tracing his red markings with his fingernail. It always worked to get him to sleep when he was a tot - any kind of constant soother did, if the rubbing between his green fingers spoke any volume.

Leo purred quietly, eyes drooping shut and reopening a few times before his eyelids became too heavy and his breathing evened out. 

The older smiled at his son, pulling the blanket over him before turning the TV off and laying back down himself, finally drifting back to sleep.

- the next morning -

"Dad, hey! Want some lunch?"

Splinter walked into the kitchen, being met with his youngest son walking in from the other entrance. "I am alright for now orange, thank you." 

"All good!" Mikey chirped, overly cheery for an ordinary mid-wednesday. 

"What has got you in such an exuberant mood today my boy?" Splinter smiled at his sons chirps. "I dunno, nothing specific, it just feels like a good day." 

He chuckled, waving the box turtle off. "Fair enough, I will leave you be. Where are your brothers?" 

Mikey hummed, taking a sip from his juice popper before speaking again. "Raphies either in the training room still, or in his room, and donnie's in his room, woke up a couple hours ago," he stopped for a moment, smile faltering. "I havent actually seen lee all morning. I assumed he was in his room since the doors shut but maybe I should check--" 

"Your brother is fine," splinter assured, heart tugging on itself when he saw the look of relief in his youngests sons eyes. "He is sleeping very soundly in my bed." 

"Why's he in your bed?" Mikey asked curiously, eyes squinted in concern. "Was he upset last night? He didnt come to any of us." 

"I believe he was just having trouble quietening down his mind for the night." He purposefully left out that leo was laying on the floor, offering an assuring smile. "I had gotten up early in the morning for a glass of water and found him wandering." 

Mikey hummed in acceptance, worry finally simmering out. 

He went to open the fridge, but then his phone started ringing. "Who the fu--" 

"Orange!" 

The box turtle jumped, having forgotten that the no swearing rule was actually a thing. "Oopsie."

Hes been spending too much time around the twins. 

He reached for his phone, snout scrunching up as his head tilted sideways, pouting slightly. "Milo?" 

"Yo, dude. Can you tell your whack ass brother to let me in." 

Mikey snorted. "Leo's asleep." 

"Nah, donnie. I went to come in and he literally went all apocalyptic lockdown on my ass and told me to piss off through a speaker. Where the fuck is the speaker?" he heard milos voice ring through as he waved at his dad and walked through the lair. "But that explains why león wasnt answering his phone." 

Mikey hummed, opening the door from the inside and hanging up the phone the moment he saw the snake yokai. "Wanna play lego city undercover until leo wakes up?" 

Milo huffed out a small laugh, stepping inside before he was locked out again while giving the smaller a smile. "Sure?" 

- Later - 

About an hour later leo emerged slowly, walking lazily into the livingroom rubbing his eyes. "Milo?" 

"Hola lelo, dormiste bien?" The older asked gently, teasingly, smiling when the slider sat down next to him. 

Leo churred, humming as he leaned against the boy, eyes fluttering shut and snuggling into his hoodie against his friends shoulder. "Estaba cómodo y cálido."

"Todavía cansado?" Milo asked, pausing his side of the game and reaching his arm around the sliders back, letting him sleepily snuggle close. 

Leo offered a light hum, purring. 

"I didn't understand any of that," mikey piped up, grinning. "But goodmorning!" 

Leo peeked his eyes open, smiling at his little brother. "Morning mikes."

"Afternoon, actually." Leo groaned. "Hi don. Have a nice five minute rest?" 

"Eat shit and die." 

"Working on half of that." Leo felt a threatening stare, quickly turning to his younger brother. "That was a joke, I was joking. It is way too early for doctor feelings, I beg." 

"Weak ass." Donnie, again.

"Whack ass." Leo nearly snorted hearing milos voice, seeing the grin that came up on mikeys face. 

"Excuse thy?" 

"You heard me, turtle." 

"Says the fucking snake." 

"Okay," leo interrupted, hearing a low hiss come from his friend, and an even louder hiss building from his brother. "I thought everyone was cool now?" 

"He locked me outside this mornin' when I tried to get in." Of course milo didnt have any real hatred towards the softshell, but he'd be lying if he said his temper wasn't easily provoked. 

"Donnie!?" Leo sat up, turning to glare at his twin. 

"Dee are you foreal?" Mikey piped up, playful tone. "You know not hating milo wont harm your badboy image."

The genius just rolled his eyes. "Scoff. I have no regrets." 

"You're such an inbred psycho cunt." 

"And you're a crack whore twink nardo, we both have our quirks." 

Mikey lost it, laughing at the blatant comments coming from the twins. 

The slider fake gasped, an overdramatic offended look on his face. "Not the homophobia! Begone Donald, for shame!" 

Donnie simply turned and left the room, holding his middle finger up silently. 

Leo shook his head and turned back around on the couch, leaning against the cushions rather than his friend. "He's such a priss. Palo en el barro." 

"You're the exact same, dont even," mikey teased, finally going back to his game. 

"I am not a stick in the mud!"

"Dude, I dont speak spanish. How was I supposed to know you said that," he said, sticking out his tongue when leo called him uncultured. 

"Theres two eggs left in the fridge by the way if you want them." 

Leo considered for a moment, shrugging. "Cool, thanks." 

He didnt want to get up though, because then everyone would know that he was hungry, or wanting to eat.

Dumb, he knows. But it gives him anxiety he wants to avoid. 

- later into the afternoon, after milo goes home - 

Leo rolls over in his bed, feeling the weight of his comfortable cave of blankets as he groggily peeled his eyes open when hearing a knock on his door.

"Leo? You eaten today yet?" The door opened to reveal raph, face highlighted slightly by the lights outside the room. 

"No," leo murmured, rubbing his eyes and sighing when raph walked further into the room. 

"Well I'm going to take mikey to barrys and get pizza on the way home, and I knew you wouldn't want anything if I woke you up when I got back." The snapper wasnt wrong, leo cant ever eat just after waking up, it makes him feel ill. "Do you want anything specific?" 

He didn't ever bother trying to argue, sitting up and grumbling quietly. "Garlic knots." 

"Kay." The older left, shutting the door with a click. 

Leo lays back down, sighing again and staring up at the ceiling with glazed over eyes. 

He considered that having an afternoon nap would make it so he cant sleep tonight, but he was so sad and exhausted all the sudden he just needed to sleep. 

His family doesnt question any extra naps, because they're just glad he's sleeping. It's the same with eating; if he's randomly got a container of icecream no one will comment on it. 

Is it violently annoying that leo cant seem to ever eat how he's supposed to? Yes, he either overindulges on the most unhealthy food, or he will eat absolutely nothing. 

But he is eating now, so his family doesn't pick up on it, or comment on it. 

He hasn't purged since that last time on the roof, feeling the need to all the time but never giving in, knowing his brothers watch his every move. 

Cutting himself is a habit he's stopped and started since he was eleven, stopping for a few months at a time for summer or just because he can't be bothered. Which means it hasnt been hard to not do it these past few weeks while donnie continues to check anywhere that had been cut before. 

The softshell pretends it's just because he's worried about infections, but they both know it isnt. 

Leo pulls his arms out of his blanket, looking at his arms and stretching his scales to see the faint white scars. 

Thinking about it now makes him want to hurt himself, and he realises it isnt that he can just quit whenever he wants that allows his skin to be clean at the moment - it's the fact that he knows he'll do it again at some point. 

All he's done is pressed pause. Delayed the inevitable. 

He misses the red blood collecting on his scales, staining his clothes when they're agitated by his pajamas and start bleeding through in the night. 

He misses the fresh lines carved into himself, watching the flesh split, having that decoration. 

He misses the pain everytime he hits the wounds on something, not because he was ever really about punishing himself, but because the reminder that they're there. His actions have consequences. 

He chose those actions, and the consequences.

Control. 

Is everything just about control? Leo finds himself wondering that more and more as he connects little thing in his head. 

He gets out of bed, swaying as he walks towards his door with one of his fluffy blankets wrapped around his shoulders, white fleece keeping him warm.

There's this pressure in his head trying to force his eyelids to shut, body to fall and mind to go blank as he lets the earth absorb him. 

But that isn't logical, because the floor beneath him is concrete. 

"Nardo?" Leo looked up, suddenly in his twins corner where his PC is. "What are you doing." 

The slider just walked over to his brothers chair, climbing over the arm rest and falling between the back of the chair and donnies soft shell. "I want the earth to absorb me." 

"What?" He felt his brother tense at his words, realising that he shouldn't have admitted that. 

"I mean when I die," he started, adjusting himself and curling upwith the fleece blanket still around him. 

When he and his family had that conversation about him being honest, and sharing his thoughts no matter how insignificant or stupid they may seem to him, he had agreed. 

Doesn't mean he is. 

If leo verbalised every alarming thought that came into his mind, somebody would lock him up. Which he wouldn't protest about, but still. It's just dumb to cause unnecessary financial and emotional stress on the people in his life. 

"Like, I wanna be buried and have thr earth absorb me. Give back to it you know," he lied. "And I can go anywhere in the world if I do that. I dont have to lose my sick portalling skills."

Donnie was quiet for a moment, and leo could feel his body relax back into the chair as he clicked on his keyboard. "Okay weirdo." 

They still haven't learnt to tell when hes lying. 

Chapter Text

- two weeks later - 

It was late in the afternoon, the warm orange sun resting above on the surface of new york, not ever reaching the sewers.

"I dont want you to feel like im afraid of the truth." Leo isn't sure what they want him to say when he cant be honest. "It's not that, it's that I cant exactly describe how I feel. I just..."  

Despite the isolation, michelangelo always tried to achieve that same flaming warmth from the sun, in his bedroom. His walls were plastered with paintings and bright colours, his entire room filled to the brim with physical and emotional comfort.

"Just what?" The box turtle hummed in question, sparing a glance away from the painting he was working on, looking towards his older brother subtly. 

Leo seemed a bit down, irritable, and mikey wanted to spend time with him to hopefully lift him up. He really feels like they've been making progress recently. 

Of course with a few bumps, like today; the slider got into a bit of a tiff with raph about something typical and usually unproblematic, he'll have to ask raph about it later because he knows leo wont talk about it.

So now they were hiding, as the youngest two would often do, painting on the floor of mikeys bedroom. 

Leo shrugged, dipping his paintbrush into his cup of water and swirling it around gently. "It's not quite right. It leaves me cold, I guess. Overflowing with an unexplainable emptiness." 

The orange turtle just stared, watching his brothers careful brushstrokes and soft stare as he sat quietly, not elaborating further. 

Leo had always been so one-hundred-miles-per-hour that mikey forgot how calm and deep he could be when he actually thinks about what he's saying before he speaks. 

Sure the youngest himself had his moments of quiet, but it wasn't anything as... as distant, as leo.

The slider was weirdly poetic, no wonder he loves to write. 

"That's really deep. What do you mean overflowing with an unexplainable emptiness?" He always contradicted himself, it was hard to keep track sometimes.

"I feel too much of everything. I cant describe it, so it's nothing. And that isn't explainable." Leo doesn't like this. He doesn't like opening up. 

He's a little soda bottle. He bottle's up his emotions, bubbling with pressure that's never relieved because no matter what he will be uncomfortable with the outcome. No one could ever get him to open up, to show them the bubbles. 

Unless they smashed the glass. 

"I'm tired," leo suddenly announced, meeting his brothers eyes. "I think I'm gonna lay down or something." 

"Oh." Mikey snapped out of his thoughts, offering a smile that was slightly off. "Are you done with your painting? I'll put it away to dry." He couldn't help but sound a bit disappointed, but leo couldnt bring himself to care, smiling as brightly as he normally would.

The box turtle wanted his brother so badly to be okay, and everything lately has pointed to him accepting help. Achieving progress. Moving forward, finally. 

But ever since they made the connection between leos sparkling eyes and his emotions, mikey hasn't been able to stop searching for the sparkle. 

Even when they see him arguing playfully with donnie like normal, or doing some insane gymnastics routine for training like normal, or giving raph shit for his 'raph chasm' like normal, or anything fun and normal--

The sparkle doesn't return. It doesnt even glimmer. 

"Yea, thanks miguelito." Michelangelo is scared.

"No probbles!" But he fakes a lack of concern. "Are you gonna do your little writing thingy before you go? I have paper." 

Anytime leo creates a new artwork, he'll write something to go with it. Whether its a few random words, or just the date and title, or a whole little piece inspired by it. There was always something to categorise the art. "Oh, yea sure." 

It benefitted both of them. It was a way for leo to get his thoughts in order, endlessly whizzing and whirring, and mikey loved to collect little snippets of his families lives. 

Leos writing, donnies trinkets, raphs old stuffies, photographs, broken items that were going to be thrown away (like leos snapped skateboard decks) and he instead wanted to keep. 

He was a little bit of a hoarder, but it kept his heart full. 

Leo crawled over to his brothers floor desk, reaching for a pen and beginning to write.

...

"Are you still going out with milo later?" 

"No," he says as he stands from the floor, stretching. Mikey hears a series of pops and cracks from joints, harmonious with a groan. "I'll go out tomorrow when raph isn't on my ass about literally everything."

"Okay," the box turtle responds dumbly, not knowing what more to say as he watches his brother disappear into the darkened hall-way after giving him the piece of writing.

He sighs, going to pack away his paints and move the cups of water so he doesn't forget and kick them over later into the night. 

Then he picks up his painting, leaning it against the wall next to the end of his small bed, bare since it had been untouched for a while in favour of his hammock. 

Once the artworks were dry, he would remove the canvas and reuse the wooden frames. 

He reaches for leos painting to lean it up against his wall as well, but something in his heart twinges when he sees the focal point. 

A blue bird in a cage, just peaking through a bed sheet draped over the metal bars. 

He frowns, finally taking a look at the paper leo gave him. 

"What is that?" He looks up before he gets a chance to do more than skim over the small paragraph, being met with donnie standing in the doorway. "A new drawing?" 

"It's leos little note to go with his art, you know how you make ones to go with your inventions and stuff," mikey explained, eyes furrowing when he took another look. "Ready, listen to this." 

Donnie frowned when he looked around, noting the one fresh painting in the corner that wasnt mikeys art-style. "A bird in a covered cage. They left without you. Put you out of sight and therefore out of mind. You sing every morning like nothing's changed, talk to the walls to keep yourself company. Just you, the darkness and your own denial that you are completely alone. Nurse your wounds, wait for it to rain; They will not get you water, nor will they acknowledged your pain." 

Both boys stared at eachother in silence for a few seconds, communicating only with their expressions. 

"It feels like a cry for help," mikey admits softly. 

Donnie gives him a pointed look. "Everything nardo does or says is a cry for help if you analyse it enough," he says, shrugging. "He's been improving significantly recently. He has been sleeping, and talking to us when he cant. He hasn't been self-destructing, or even arguing with dad." 

"I know," mikey huffs out, raising his voice a little more than he wanted to. "I know. But you have to admit that this is."

...

"And?" The softshell asks, knowing there's more. 

"It feels like he's playing us. Hiding in plain sight," he explains. "He isn't necessarily lying, because he hasn't been asked. It's like he's withholding information or something like that-- he still isn't telling us how he's feeling. I swear just now he blatantly lied to me about why he wont talk to us." 

The orange turtle continued to rant. "And he just said he was tired and probably went to his room to sleep or something. And yea he knows I'll believe it and let him go because he's always tired and has problems sleeping, not asking for anything more. But there is more, he just isn't telling us and probably won't, even if we ask. Like-- why is he so tired and sleeping so much all the sudden??" 

Mikey took a few deep breaths, rocking on his feet while he spoke with his hands moving along with each word. "I know there's more and I'm worried he isn't actually getting better, he's just becoming more indifferent to life. And he's also isolating more and more, but we havent picked up on it before now because every time we try to be around him, he's letting us." 

Donnie wasn't sure what to say, but he wasn't going to disagree. 

Was leo just blind-siding them? 

Does he think they're stupid? 

Are they stupid? 

"We'll keep a closer eye on him."

- with leo - 

Leo closes his bedroom door and stands idly for a moment, looking around the room. 

It's dark. Cold. 

He walks over to his bedside table, rumaging through his draws to find a little tin container. In it is a blade, a packet of ibuprofen, some needles, safety pins and nail scissors. 

He ignores the white powder lightly coating each item, piling in the small corners of the tin, and reaches for the thing he was looking for: his lighter. 

As leo goes around his room lighting every half burned candle he sees, he thinks about how the boys dont know he has this, or atleast he doesnt think they have realised that he needs to own his own lighter to constantly light candles. 

He looks back around his room, sitting on his bed and putting the lighter away. 

It looks warmer now, like it's been lived in, loved, even. 

But it's too quiet. 

Reaching for his phone he unlocks it and clicks on spotify, reaching for his speaker and turning it on while he waits for the app to load. 

He shares a spotify with milo, meaning he has a premium account. It was the best thing ever and he would have so paid for his own years ago if he had the money. 

It's just more convient is what he tells himself as he lays down on his bed, scrolling through songs. 

He has so many words he wishes he could say - so many thoughts in pile after pile - but he cant. 

He doesn't know how to open up. 

Since he was little, his feelings would only ever come out with his actions, on paper. He would speak through hugs and poetry and art, but never his voice. People view his emotions purely on the things they see, the faces he shows, and they never seemed to understand the unconcious cries for help. 

"I'm okay!"

"All good hermano!"

"It's fine guys!"

He wonders when he'll be truly heard, how sick he has to get before somebody realises this isn't just a little funk they have to solve. 

Maybe he's just an unsolvable riddle. 

He clicks on the search bar, going to his most recently searched song: death cup, by mom jeans.

...

I think it's 'bout time that I warned you I might cry infront of you

Leo has always feared that in general, no one wants to listen to him. 

So... he would always overcome it by loudness, false confidence. Fake it till you make it! 

But it's started to stop working for him, so it was time for a new approach: letting himself fade in conversations. 

He doesnt give his opinion or thoughts unless asked for. It isnt worth it. It isn't useful. He has nothing important to contribute.

What do you want me to say when I cant tell you the truth?

"Nardo?" A voice. Real and present. "Are you awake?" Donnie. 

Leo breathed heavily through his nose, peaking one eye open and meeting his twins conflicted gaze.

He watches donnie walk further into the room, closing his eye, unmoving when he felt a weight on his bed. "What are you doing?" 

"Just listen," he said as he rolled over to face his wall. 

It wasn't worth it to me

To wait around and then see

All of my love go unspent

Donnie sat silently, brows furrowed as the song ended and the next started playing. 

Mom, I'm tired

...

Can I sleep in your house tonight? 

The softshell hasnt heard this song before. "Nardo." 

Something inside donnie twinged when he heard an irritated sigh. "Yes dee."

"Are you okay?" God, that was annoying. If he hears that question one more time he might explode. "Im fine. Why is everyone like, so dramatic."

Donnies brows furrow at the defensive statement, sounding dry leaving his twins mouth. "Because it feels like you're still hiding from us. Seriously, do I have to read you the symptoms of a depressive episode? Why do you keep doing this-- you keep lying." Mom, will you wash my back?

Leo breathed deeply, calmly as he laid still. "Leo?" 

This once, and then we can forget

"Did you hear me." 

And I'll leave what I'm chasing

"Leonardo."

For the other girls to pursue.

"Donnie?" The slider heard a relieved sigh, magenta eyes half opened and looking at his bedsheets. "Yea?"

Mom, "Can you come lay with me?" Am I still young?

"I really am just tired," he promises softly, a tear slipping from the corner of his eye when he feels warmth wrap around him from the back. "I'm not lying to you."

"We're talking about this later," donnie grumbles, adjusting them so they were both comfortable. "If you really are okay I want you to prove it to me."

"Okay," can I dream for a few months more? "But later." 

- a few hours later - 

"...you know it's true." 

"I know nothing."

"Donnie. Crime is rising up again since the city recovered from the kraang--"

"Human crime, raphael. Key word human. Which frankly is not our responsibility--" 

"Of course it is! I don't even know why I'm arguing with you over this, it isnt your decision--"

"It isn't yours either! It's the leaders. Which is nardo--" 

Leo rolled over in his brothers arms, sleepily nuzzling his face into donnies plastron. 

He wasn't ready to get up yet, keeping his eyes shut and pretending to just be shuffling in his sleep, but hopefully it would stop the two from their argument. 

Donnie inhaled deeply, and leo could only assume he was glaring at raph. "Unless he brings it up, we're not forcing him to fight low-level human criminals over petty crimes. As nardo would say: your sense of justice is way out of whack. Michael would agree with me."

"You--"

"He's just starting to get better raph, he's improving, even. Why would you try to ruin what you've already made worse." 

There was a brief moment of silence, and leo could feel the tension in the air. 

"That's not fair donnie." 

He would 'wake up', try to difuse the situation, to tell donnie not to be so harsh and it wasnt raphs fault. That is was actually leos fault for being such a fucking ass. 

"Fine. What we've already made worse." But it would be so much easier not to. 

To just let them come to the conclusion that they have, without his input. It would probably be better for them, and it means he doesnt have to hold any responsibility for when it goes wrong. 

"Do you wanna go to run of the mill for dinner? Mike wants 'ta get outta the sewers," raph voice rings through leos tympana next, now softer, more quiet. 

Donnie shuffles slightly in the bed, noticeably being extra careful as to not jostle his twin too much. 

"I'm sure leo will want to, so alright. Have you asked april and casey junior?" the softshell asks quietly, absent-mindly rubbing small circles into leos shell with his thumb. 

"April just had exam week, so she's wiped out," raph answers, making the slider slightly confused. 

Exam week already? He swore that wasnt for another three weeks. 

Huh. Whatever. 

"And mike said CJ was busy, so... think dad and barry should come?" Eugh, he cringed at the idea of sitting down for dinner with draxum. 

He's done it many times before, obviously, but he's definetly not a fan! 

"No. Draxum isn't welcome in run of the mill, remember?" 

"Thats right, raph forgot. Ya figured out why yet?" 

Donnie shrugged lightly. "I had the assumption senor hueso just doesn't appreciate his presence." 

Actually, leo knows why; It's because he's complained to his tío about how he doesn't like draxum. Ever since then he's been banned from the establishment. 

"Why don't we do family dinner here?" raph asked, suddenly sounding very pleased with the idea.

"Did mikey not want to get out of the sewers?" 

"Yea but he'll be right if we tell 'im he can invite barry down," raph answers. Leo can just tell he has a toothy grin. "Wake leo up so 'e's good for dinner." 

Donnie grumbled, something incomprehensible as raphs heavy footsteps slowly faded away. 

He turned to his twin, glancing down at his sleeping face as he gently tapped his shell. "What do you think nardo, an old fashioned, usually awfully ending family dinner?" 

"Rise my brother. Live." Leo had to try his hardest not to laugh at the softshells monotoned sarcasm and unenthusiasm, laying limp with his eyes still shut.

"Raphala demands nonsense from us again. Blasphemy. Does he not know who we are?" He repressed as smile as he scrunched up his face sleepily, nuzzling his face into his blanket. He whined lowly, pouting when his twin scoffed. 

Donnie couldn't help but smile amusedly at leos genuine dramatic nature, even while apparently unconcious. "Save me the complaining nardo, once raph tells michael that he can invite draxum there is nothing that will stop him from making it happen." 

Leo groaned and peeled his eyes open, blinking heavily. "Wha'd abou' draxum?" 

"He's coming over for dinner soon," donnie explained again, watching as the slider sat up blindly and rubbed his eyes. 

"Wait," he mumbled, pretending to be groggy from just waking up. "Draxums coming? Why?" 

"For dinner," donnie repeated. "I've only said it three times." 

"I just woke up," leo lies, rubbing his eyes harshly. "Don't be mean." 

"Build a metaphorical bridge, nardo," the softshell replied unempathetically, watching his brother closely. "Can we have that talk now?" 

"Sure dee," leo agreed, yawning widely and crawling to the edge of the bed. "What'd you wanna talk about?" 

"Just a second." Donnie watched his brother confusedly, "what are you doing?"

"Trying to find that icebear onesie I have," he replied as he rumaged through his bedside table draws. "It's fucking cold and I swear I put it in here." 

"It really isn't that cold down here, but try your wardrobe perhaps?" 

Leo got up and walked over to his wardrobe, reaching high to the top shelf and feeling around for the soft fabric. "I think I..." 

"Got it!" He cheered, ripping it down and quickly shutting the doors before anything could fall. "Mission acomplished." 

Donnie merely rolled his eyes and checked his phone as leo pulled his clothing off and pulled the onesie over his body, snuggling into the thick, warm fabric. 

"Okay," he said as he sat back onto the bed. "What did you wanna talk about? You have my full attention." 

"Do any of us ever have your full attention?" Donnie asked sarcastically, earning an eyeroll and a playful punch to the shoulder. "Come on, we dont have all night, do we." 

The softshell sighed. "Mikey is worried you arent being truthful with how you feel. The sudden oversleeping is a red flag, and quite frankly your eating habits are still a subject of concern." 

Before leo could respond, his twin had kept going. "Not only that, but you've been quieter, along with more tired. That piece of writing you gave angelo was metaphorically screaming more red flags." 

The slider had to take a deep breath to not get angry or agitated, to keep the defensive tone out of his voice. "Is that all?" 

"Why are you lying to us again leo?" 

"I'm not," he pauses, looking away and swallowing thickly. "I promise." 

"You promise?" Donnie repeated, eyes furrowed with worry.

"I do." 

"Then what's going on?" 

"I just..." leo tried to think of something. 

He learnt at a very early age, that nobody believes a liar when they realise he's lying. So to get away with it, there needs to be a small truth so the bigger, uglier truth isnt uncovered. 

"Sleeping is the only thing that keeps my head quiet lately, since I havent been high or doing other stuff, you know?" He says, playing with his sleeves. "And oversleeping just makes you more tired I guess, so." 

...

"That makes sense," donnie says slowly. "What have you been thinking about?" 

"Just everything that's happened to us, to me over the years." He doesn't say he's questioning if anyone will ever approve of his existence. He doesnt explain how he doesnt know if he was even made to be loved. He wont talk about how he's just a rotting ball of wasted potential and will probably die that way. "It's surreal." 

He turns his eyes back to donnies, seeing his brows furrowed in concern, offering a warm smile. 

"Im okay, just processing," he lies gently. 

He hates how honesty is one of his core values, but lying comes so easy for him. How do you excuse some lies, and not others? It's all untruthful. 

"Okay." 

He's never made a promise he hasn't intended on keeping, that's why they trust it.

"Huh?" 

"Okay," donnie said, nodding his head. "That's okay. Thank you, for being honest." 

Leos smile was strained, but remained the same. "No problem." 

- later, in the kitchen - 

"Guyyyyssss! Im baaaccckkkk!" Mikey ran into the kitchen, bright eyed with an eager smile. "You didn't let my food burn, did you?" 

"No miguel," leo said as he rolled his eyes, smiling gently at his brothers dramatics while grabbing plates from the cupboard. "I just took it off the stove, come serve it up if you want." 

His smile faltered when he saw the goat yokai standing in the doorway, having forgot for a split second that he was apart of the family now or whatever. 

"Hey goat bitch." While he accepts that draxum has changed for the better, and mikey has formed an emotional attachment to him, he still feels uncomfortable being around the once evil yokai.

He still thinks about the roof thing.

"Language blue," he hears suddenly, turning to the other side of the kitchen and seeing his dad walking into the room with raph.

Donnie was already sitting at the dining table, tapping away on his phone. "Hurray family dinner, he said sarcastically." 

"Purple one," draxum greeted, both of them nodding their heads at eachother in greeting. 

Leo watched them closely, and suddenly it made sense how both him and his twin ended up autistic. 

He walked over to the table as his family conversed, sitting in his usual spot next to the softshell. He peeked over, leaning his head on the olders shoulder to watch whatever he was doing on his phone as mikey forced raph to help him serve dinner. 

Draxum was going to sit down at the end of the table closest to leo, but thought against it when he saw the sliders stare, walking to the other end where donnie was instead. 

That meant splinter would sit next to leo at the end of the table, which was definetly better. 

Draxum looked over to the twins again, seeing the blue turtle still staring. "Lovely onesie blue one. Does it come in mens?" 

Leos eye twitched at the teasing, responding with the first thing that came to mind. "Oh I think you cum in men enough for all of us." 

"Leonardo!" He heard, turning to his father who was clearly trying not to smile, recieving a light wack with the rat mans tail. "Not at the dinner table. And you--" He said, suddenly turning to the goat yokai. "Leave my son alone." 

"Okay guys foods ready!" Mikey announced, finally joining the table while raph carried the trays of food. "I made bolognese, but with chorizo and beef mince instead of meatballs."

"Did yo--" 

"Everything's seperate except the sauce, you are not picking the vegetables out of it," mikey quickly interrupted already knowing that his older brother was going to ask for a complete run down on each ingredient. "And theres garlic bread!" 

"It looks great, thank you orange." And so they ate. 

Leo let everyone pick at what they wanted first, in absolutely no hurry to get anything. He was happy to watch everyone scramble over each plate of food, seeing what they were eating and how much. 

Eventually he got his own plate of food, cutting down on the pasta by getting more meat and sauce, not grabbing any bread on purpose. 

Draxum wasn't doing anything wrong, but having him in the lair so suddenly was messing him up, making him weirdly uncomfortable and anxious. He didn't agree to this. He didn't have time to prepare.

"Do you want garlic bread?" A voice snapped him out of his thoughts, realising he had zoned out and was staring at draxum. 

"Blue one?" He asked again, a look on his face that leo would've usually taken as disgust if he didnt know the yokai. It would've just been confusion. "No. Literally don't fucking talk to me or so help me God--" 

"Leo!" Raph scolded, frowning. "Dont be rude." 

"Yea! Barry hasn't done anything," mikey chimed in. 

He hasn't done anything? 

Hasn't... done.... anything? 

"Hasn't done anything??" Leo hissed without warning, unbelieving of his families words. 

He saw mikeys eyes furrow, taking a deep breath and pushing his plate away. 

"Fine. Im sorry," he said as he stood, not looking anyone in the eye. "Thanks for dinner." He walked out of the room, leaving his plate barely touched. 

Nobody said anything, or moved as they watched him leave, silent for a moment before donnie groaned. "Is that supposed to be my que to calm him down? Because quite frankly he isn't wrong for feeling that way." 

"I wasn't aware leonardo still had a problem with me being around, michelangelo," draxum said suddenly, turning to the orange turtle. "Otherwise I wouldn't have come. This is his home that I shouldnt just be intruding on." 

"No it's not your fault!" Mikey quickly assured, going to stand. "He's just having a bad day, I'll go talk to him--" 

"No orange," splinter said sternly, hopping down from the table. "I will go talk to your brother, finish dinner." 

As he went to leave, he was stopped by an icy glare from his softshelled son. "Yes donatello, what would you like?" 

"You know what," the younger hissed lowly, a warning. "Because I will--" 

"Enough. I understand your concern but you do not speak to me that way," the rat man snapped, softening and patting his sons knee. "Do... do not worry my boy." 

- with leo - 

"Fucking stupid goat. Fuck this shit. Fucking estúpido maldito brothers, el de puta threw me off a roof, pendejos." Leos angry mutters were too quiet to bounce off the halls of the lair, only for him and the closest person to hear as he walked into his room. "Like hello? He tried to kill us so many times. Especially me, for some reason I was his favourite to try and kidnap and hurt. Sorry my brain didn't cut out being dragged and thrown off a roof like yours did! El coños..." 

"What is this about being thrown off of a roof?" The slider jumped and whipped around at his fathers voice, confused but still angry. "Oh nothing, just that barry threw me off one and it doesn't matter because he isnt evil anymore!" 

Splinter hummed and stroked his beard. "I see. It is understandable that you are upset then." 

Hold on. "It is?" Leo questioned, eyes raised. 

His father looked at him with a funny expression, before gesturing to the bed and jumping up onto it. "Yes? Why does it surprise you that I agree. Being thrown off of a roof isn't typically something easily forgettable." 

Leo frowned and sat down next to the rat man, voice soft. "I dunno, the guys never cared. They didn't notice how I was scared of us falling off rooftops for months after." 

"Actually--" Splinter watched his son with solemn eyes, lips downturned into something sad. 

He had no idea his baby's fear of heights had returned from when he was younger. "Nobody really cared even in the moment. It was the night raph unlocked his big red ninpo raph. I..." 

"I was forgotton," the slider said, as if just coming to that conclusion himself. "They've always gotten the spotlight, I'm just in the background." 

Leo chuckled to himself, nearly scoffing. "Guess that explains why im so obnoxious huh. Attention seeking." 

"I am sorry blue." He turned to look at his father when he felt a hand on his. "I am sorry that happened, and that you feel this way. It is not fair." 

Leos heart fluttered as his eyes grew misty, lips quivering up. "It's okay dad, really. It's like that with everything." 

The rat man frowned, eyes creasing. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean... no one will ever fully understand anything I've gone through. Which means I can't expect them to care how I want them to, because it didn't happen to them. 

"Its why I dont tell anyone anything, " he continues. "I dont want anyone to hurt because I do. They wont ever care how I care. It's unrealistic and unfair to be upset at anyone when it's my own fault." 

His nose started to hurt with stuffiness, lips quivering as the next thought that ran through his mind tumbled out of his mouth like the tears in his eyes. "Was I even made to be cared about?" 

"Don't you dare ask me that," splinter said, reaching a fuzzy hand to cup the sliders scaly wet cheek. "My precious baby blue, never think of yourself that way." 

Leo scoffed through his tears, pulling out of his dads hand. "Im not your precious baby anymore dad, was I ever? How could I not think that way? I don't think I'll ever feel loved by anyone. I dont think I ever have been loved by anyone." 

"I love you, and I should have made sure you felt it." Splinter gestured for his son to move closer as he manoeuvred around the bed, getting comfortable and bringing leos head down into his lap. 

"Your brothers love you, your sisters love you. Future boy, you may not be his father he knew but he has learnt to love you like a brother." Splinter goes on and on, carressing a gentle hand over the blue turtles head. "That snake yokai, milo alvez?" 

"Alvarez," leo mumbled, sniffling. 

"Yes yes, him. He loves you completely and utterly. I may be old leonardo, but I see it. You have a very devoted friend there." He hums, thinking of milo. 

He is lucky to have milo, but he doesn't deserve him. "Yea, he's my bestfriend." 

"See! You are an amazing boy, who was made to be cared for, and is loved by many." The older smiled down at his son, heart cracking at his little sniffles. 

"If you really think that then why was I the only one you hit as a kid?" 

...

Silence. 

"Do you not remember that? When was the last time you hit me dad?"

Splinter didn't. It mustn't have mattered to him. 

Just a casual day. "Do you remember anything about me as a kid?" 

"I remember even when you were a baby, all you wanted to do was make everyone happy. You would paint with michelangelo, even though it always seemed as if you were upset that he was stealing your hobby." He noticed the day majority of the blue turtles art supplies were given to the youngest, sacrificing one thing he loved just to see his baby brother flourish.

"You would let donatello ramble for hours and hours, never getting angry at him speaking to you as if you understood nothing of what he was saying just because you had a limited vocabulary." And he noticed when the slider would be upset at his twin for treating him as if he was dumb for not understanding science terms, or not speaking as fluently despite the rest of them being able to speak. But he would never say anything, he would just listen and smile. 

"And I remember all those times you would clean up your brothers cuts or scrapes from falling over, and when raphael would check them over you would simply allow him so he wouldn't stress himself out." He knew that it made the younger feel like his big brother didnt trust him, or believe in him, especially because they're a group of boys constantly getting hurt or hurting eachother all the time - but he wouldn't say anything because he just wanted everyone to feel okay. 

Come to think of it, the only person raph is really rough with, is leo. 

Which was his goal with splinter too of course, but just... he never looked at it from the perspective of maybe he should never have been hit by anyone?

Huh. That's a thought for another day.

"You... noticed all that?" Leo didn't know what to say. He didn't realise his dad actually paid attention to him. 

"Of course I did, you have always been looking out for your family. You arent anything close to a bad brother," splinter promised. "I'm sorry if I ever told you that, I was ignorant, angry, and most importantly I was wrong." God, the rat man didnt even remember saying all these things to him even just months ago. 

Take responsibility for your selfish actions and think about the way you treat your family, you're ungrateful.

"I just wanted everyone to be okay." He would have done anything to make sure everyone was okay. "It's all I wanted. And it was like everyones just tried to make my life hell." All he ever did was think about everyone else.

"I know. You are a child, it's unfair," splinter argued gently. "You might not have had an option back then, that is my fault, but now it is your job to make sure you are okay, alright?" 

Leo swallowed thickly, his voice a mere whisper. "Okay." It wasnt worth arguing.

"You have always had such a complex mind, with the biggest heart I have ever known, my little one," he says, reminiscent. "Why do you hide behind the loudness so much, does it not exhaust you?" 

Leo laughed, a wet a pitiful sound with no humor behind it. "Of course it does. I dont remember what it's like to not be emotionally exhausted." 

"Then why? Trust that someone will understand," splinter soothed gently, attempting to understand. 

"No one ever understands dad, nobody," leo suddenly snapped. "You used to hit me for voicing a different opinion to you. A child." 

There was a tense silence before his next words, his voice much quieter coming with a sigh. "Just leave it alone, please." 

"Okay," Splinter agreed, having no other choice. 

They sat like that for a while, leo letting his mind wander and create pictures in his mind, projected onto his eyelids when he let them flutter shut. 

He was thinking about milo, how he doesn't deserve the snake yokai. He's too sweet for something as bitter as leo, something so obviously hated by the world. 

There was a knock of the blue turtles door, making him groan and whine at the intrusion. Splinter just chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Oh my dramatic blue, whatever will I do with you?" 

Leo groaned again. "Did you seriously just rhyme?" He asked, looking up to be met with a smug smile. "I did infact. Will we let your brothers in?" 

He lightly pinched the sliders cheek when he was met with another groan, huffing in amusement when he pulled a blanket over himself and curled into a ball. "No. Tell them I'm dead." 

"Blue, do not be dramatic. They're your brothers." 

"Whatever," leo murmured, rolling over in his bed off of his father and turned towards the wall. His face was hidden and voice muffled by his blanket. "But I dont wanna talk to anyone right now." 

He was expecting splinter to scold him, but all the response he got was a quiet, dissapointed "you do not have to." 

"Leoooooo?" A voice called out, followed by the sound of his door creaking open. "Barry's in donnies lab right now helping him with some science stuff, i'm sorry for being insensitive." 

Leo didnt respond, curling towards the wall further and pulling the blanket over his head.

Mikey chirped, fiddling with his fingers and pouting. "Lee..?"

... 

"Is he okay dad?" 

"Your brother doesnt want to speak to anyone at the moment," splinter said gently, patting the sliders shell as an offer of comfort.

But the slider shifted uncomfortably, trying to move away from his father, so he pulled his furry hand back and turned to his youngest son."He is okay." 

The youngers lip wobbled as he churred. "Okay... I'm gonna go then, love you lee." 

"Are you stayin with baron tonight orange?" Splinter asked gently, getting off the sliders bed and recieving a no before the box turtle left the room. 

"Do you want anything, blue?" 

...

"Alright. I'll see you later, my son."

- sometime later - 

"Leo! Where are'ya?" ...

Raph frowned when he didn't get a response, a bit lost while he was spinning in his little brothers room as if he'd suddenly appear if he continued to look. 

The older sighed and left the room, wondering if maybe he was the only one left in the lair at the moment. 

Donnie had gone to aprils, probably stalking through one of the many malls up top by now, being forced to hold her bags. He didnt usually mind that much, as long as his sister bought him whatever he wanted if he saw something that caught his interest. 

Or let him steal it without lecturing him. She usually didn't care though unless it was a small business.