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Chapter Text

Andrew receives the news that the Fall Banquet is going to be hosted this year in Binghamton by the Bearcats while Neil is out on his early morning run.

They were right in the middle of their post-trial month-long summer vacation road trip and Andrew has sworn off any and all Exy-related news. The only reason that he finds this out is that his phone vibrated off the bedside table in the hotel room that he and Neil are staying in and that woke him up.

He grabs his phone and there are already dozens of texts from Nicky alone and dozens more from Boyd. Both are frantically asking Andrew if Neil is with him, if he is okay, and why isn’t he answering their texts or calls.

Andrew couldn’t help but roll his eyes at their dramatics, as if Neil not answering calls and texts is uncommon. Neil only notices one thing about his phone if he is in his little running zone. He confirms the news of the Fall Banquet in the informational group chat that Wymack set up at the beginning of the year and then he calls Neil.

A small part of him preens when Neil picks up for him on the third ring.

“Did you see the news?” he asks without any preamble or greeting because he needs to know if he needs to track Neil down to pick him up.

“Do you mean about the Fall Banquet?” Neil asks, slightly out of breath.

“No, that all denim is back in style.” Andrew rolls his eyes.

“Great, now I know what I am going to wear to the Fall Banquet,” Neil shoots back and in the safety and solitude of the hotel room, Andrew lets out an amused puff of air.

“Reynolds would set your outfit on fire before she let you wear all denim to the Banquet.” Andrew rolls his eyes and doesn’t mention that he would provide her with the matches. “So, you intend to go.” He does not ask.

“Yeah, I’m the Vice-Captain this year,” Neil answers.

Andrew knows there’s more to it than that but he can’t stare Neil down over the phone. “Neil.” He tries to see if his voice is enough to induce the full truth out of his Rabbit.

“I’ll be okay Andrew,” Neil says earnestly and sounding every bit like he believes it when he says it.

Andrew sighs, “Finish your run, Rabbit.” He orders and knows it will take an in-person stare-down for Neil to examine himself.

“I’ll be back in about half an hour!” Neil says and the call disconnects with a click.

Andrew closes his eyes and lets himself doze for a while longer.

At the 32-minute mark Andrew gets a text from Neil saying he’ll just be a little longer. It’s something that Neil does now for Andrew, letting him know if he’s running late if he told Andrew he’d be somewhere at a specific time.

Neil not being where Andrew expects him to be when he expects him to be there tends to set Andrew’s teeth on edge.

Neil arrives 18 minutes after his update text to Andrew dripping in sweat, shirt plastered to his chest, and with an overly complicated frozen sugary coffee drink for Andrew. “I was running in the same direction as this girl for a couple of miles and I asked her for the best spot to get these kinds of drinks.” He smiles offering it to Andrew.

He watches Neil’s hand shakes slightly. Andrew knows that the cold makes his scars ache. Neil’s smile does not waver.

Andrew takes the drink from Neil’s hand.

He takes a sip and it's perfect.

Andrew hates him so fucking much.

Neil doesn’t wait for anything as out of character as a thank you from Andrew, just happy that Andrew has accepted it from him. Neil walks past Andrew, grabbing one of the extra towels as he walks towards the balcony so that he can stop sweating before he showers off.

Andrew takes another sip. The rush of flavor and sweetness is everything that Andrew enjoys in a drink, and he briefly closes his eyes to appreciate it. He opens his eyes again to stare at the man who went out of his way to grab it for him. While he savored his drink Neil has slipped out onto the balcony and taking a seat on one of the chairs, fiddling with his phone.

Andrew grabs a few water bottles and an extra towel as he makes his way out onto the balcony to sit on the other chair. Neil smiles up at his entrance before he even notices the water bottles and the additional towel.

Andrew shoves one of the water bottles into Neil’s hand (still shaking slightly) and Neil thanks him as he downs it in seconds before Andrew hands him a second one along with the towel that Neil drapes around his neck.

A few months ago, Andrew would have been enjoying a cigarette out here. Except for the fact that a few months ago Andrew had lit up near Neil’s face one night on the roof and Neil had flinched so badly that he had almost fallen.

Andrew had dropped the lighter and cigarette off the roof and grabbed Neil.

He hadn’t picked either back up since then.

So now Andrew has gum and he has patches to deal with his nicotine craving and he has a large stash of suckers when he misses having his mouth wrapped around something.

Kevin had been delighted and Neil keeps telling him that he didn’t need to quit, it was just a weird night, it was Lola’s birthday, and his head was in a weird place. Neil had said he didn’t need to give anything up for him.

The same Neil who has given up sleep, privacy, and has cut himself off from using entire commonly used words in multiple languages just so that he wouldn’t trigger Andrew.

Andrew stuck to his decisions and he'd made one that night when he wrapped his arms around Neil and threw them back onto the safety of the roof. Andrew was fine with giving up something that, admittedly, made it harder for him to chase after his Rabbit. Especially if it means that he’ll spend less time needing to chase after said Rabbit.

Neil downs the second water bottle in a matter of seconds.

Andrew shoves a third one into his still-shaking hand. Neil smiles at him, “Thank you.” He says and Andrew just held up his own drink in response.

It was only fair.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Neil sat sipping his third water bottle as he responds to texts from the Foxes. Andrew sat sipping his own drink and keeping an eye on Neil's other hand which had not been holding his drink to see if it shook.

His own hand shakes as his phone vibrates.

Andrew looks at his own phone to see that Kevin had sent him a text.

Kevin 10:01 AM
          Are you going to the banquet?
          If you go then Neil will go too.

Andrew feels his lip curl in disgust at Kevin’s comment. He doesn’t answer it, but he does refocus, “If you don't want to go then there’s no way that Wymack would make you.” Andrew says and Neil looks up from the text he was focusing on his tongue sticking out in concentration. Andrew watches with amusement as Neil sucked his tongue back in likely not even realizing it had been sticking out.

“They’re having a Riko Moriyama memorial there,” Neil says.

“And you want to go?” Andrew asks with a brow raised. “What, you wanna spit on the pictures?” he says because it's the only reason he can think of. Neil would sooner have a deep emotionally vulnerable talk with Aaron than mourn the man who was responsible for most of the Fox’s misery the last year and a half.

“No, but Kevin will need the support,” Neil says.

Andrew blinks and looks down at the texts from Kevin again.

Kevin 10:03 AM
          Andrew?

Andrew still doesn’t answer but can admit that Kevin will need support.

“Wymack can watch over Kevin,” Andrew argues.

“I really think I’ll be okay.” Neil shrugs. “Nothing that bad really happened on the court other than my anxiety over the countdown,” Neil says as if the months of anxiety could be so easily brushed aside. “I’ll just…stay away from any security guard and the locker rooms...” Neil says and there’s a nervousness there that tells Andrew everything.

Andrew offers his hand.

Neil takes it.

Neil’s hand is still sweaty from his run, but it’s also cold. Andrew, stomach twisting at the other possible reason, hopes that it’s from holding Andrew’s drink.

Strangely, Andrew’s own hands felt cold before Neil handed over the beverage. They’d been cold ever since he had gotten the news about Binghamton.

Betsy had worked hard and diligently with Andrew for the last few months to bring him around on the idea of wanting things. Still, it was much easier for Andrew to think in terms of things that he didn’t want.

For example:

He didn’t want to let go of Neil’s hand even though it was sweaty and kind of cold.

He didn’t want to miss the ghost tour that they were signed up to do tonight.

He didn’t want Neil to find his 3-in-1 body wash, shampoo, and conditioner (that Andrew had thrown out four cities ago) when Andrew was willing to share his individual body wash, shampoo, and conditioner.

He didn’t want Neil to go to Binghamton.

He holds Neil’s hand, confirms their RSVP on his phone for the ghost tour, thinks up a new excuse on why they’re not going into a store where Neil could buy a new 3-in-1, and says nothing about how he doesn’t want Neil to face those demons again so soon.

“Then we can go, we’ll tell the coach that you can’t be in the locker room, and I’ll gut any security guard that gets too close,” Andrew says letting his fingers squeeze Neil’s. “I will keep you safe Neil.” Andrew looks at Neil seriously.

Neil’s phone buzzes before he can say anything back and Andrew watches as Neil sets down the water that he had been drinking so he could continue to hold Andrew’s hand and picks up the phone.

Unlike all the other times, Neil answers, “Hi coach.” Neil greets.

Andrew can hear Wymack’s gruff voice over the shitty microphone on Neil’s phone. “If you don’t want to go to the Fall Banquet then you’re not going to go to the Fall Banquet. The ERC can complain all they want to me, but they can’t do shit if I say you’re out sick and Abby will back me up.” Wymack rants without preamble, “I don’t care what the media will say either; do you understand me, Josten?” Wymack asks and the care is evident despite the gruff delivery.

Neil smiles and Andrew takes a mental snapshot of his dimples.

“I think I’ll be okay Coach. Thanks for worrying about me.” He says and squeezes Andrew’s hand, “Just…don’t’ make me go into the locker room.” He says.

“Done.” Wymack says without a hint of hesitation, “Is Minyard there?” he asks.

“Yeah, Andrew is here,” Neil confirms.

“Pass your phone to him. That shithead isn’t answering my calls or texts.” Wymack demands.

Neil rolls his eyes but passes his phone over to Andrew who looks at it for a long moment before setting his own drink down so he could accept the phone and not release Neil’s hand. He takes a moment to turn down the call volume, a trick that Neil has yet to figure out how to do on his phone, “What?” he asks sharply.

“I’m sure Neil still hasn’t figured out how to lower the volume on his phone, so I assume you heard what I told him.” Wymack says and does not wait for Andrew to confirm, “Same deal for you Minyard, you don’t want to go-“

“What are you saying?” Andrew interrupts having thought that Wymack would just be reminding Andrew to keep an eye on Neil.

“Binghamton wasn’t easy for you either Andrew,” Wymack says and Andrew can almost hear the eye roll.

It floors him a little bit. His heart rate speeds up.

Binghamton had not been easy for Andrew either.

“If Neil goes to the banquet, then I’m going to the banquet.” He says and flips Neil’s phone shut.

He hands Neil’s phone back to him.

Neil doesn’t ask what Wymack wanted to say to him.

They sit in silence as Neil drinks more water answering texts from the concerned Foxes while Andrew sips his slowly melting drink. Their hands remain connected, and Andrew runs his fingers along the burn scars on Neil’s knuckles. Andrew stares into the distance and doesn’t think about a world where he held this hand properly in Binghamton, held it like he was holding it now.

Eventually, the repeated calls and texts become too much so Neil shuts off his phone and joins Andrew in staring off into the distance. They spend too long out there lost in their own thoughts with only one another’s hand to tether them to earth.

Andrew only comes back because Neil is shivering. His sweat-drenched clothing doing him no favors now that he’s cooled off. “C’mon Junkie, let’s get you clean.” He says rising to his feet and pulling Neil up with him.

Neil can shower by himself and has done it the majority of his life, but the thought of him leaving Andrew’s sight at the moment has Andrew herding Neil into the bathroom. Neil smiles at him but doesn’t say anything about it.

He turns on the water so that it's warm but not hot. He asks, gets permission, strips Neil of his wet running clothes, and takes a moment to appreciate the sight of Neil's nipples covered by bandaids. He knows that it's to stop them from chafing but it's still a great look on Neil. He takes great pleasure in carefully peeling them off of Neil and watching Neil shiver at the sensation.

He strips off his own clothes, checks the water temperature, and pushes Neil under the refreshing spray. He swats Neil's hands away when Neil reaches to grab the hotel-provided soap, shampoo, and conditioner and grabs his own to start lathering Neil up. Neil resigns himself to Andrew's care.

Andrew scrubs his Junkie down thoroughly.

Andrew thinks about blowing Neil as he washes the conditioner out of Neil's hair. He wants to feel the weight of Neil on his tongue and the taste of him in his mouth alongside the overly sweet coffee.

He asks but doesn’t get a response. When he looks up and Neil’s gaze is distant, and Andrew worries that Neil’s thoughts are hundreds of miles north in a stadium.

He grabs Neil’s face with both hands and Neil snaps back to him with rapid blinks. His eyes focus on Andrew again and he smiles but there are no dimples, “Sorry, what did you say?” he asks, and Andrew just brings their foreheads together for a long moment.

He lets his hands trail down and wrap around Neil’s.

They both still feel cold despite the warm water.

Neil will not leave his sight when they’re in Binghamton. If Andrew has to leave his side for any reason, then it will only be after he gives Neil over to Renee’s protection.

He won’t lose Neil.

***

The rest of their month-long trip is mostly smooth.

Andrew marvels at the record-breaking length between his bad days. Neil gets sick off of convenience store food and Andrew nurses him back to health. Andrew insists that they have to go to every roadside attraction they see and take a picture. Neil gets absolutely hammered one night in a fancy hotel room where Andrew promises to watch over him with the payment that Andrew could ask him anything and he'd answer. Andrew fills the Maserati with snacks and keeps pushing them into Neil's hands as they drive. Neil finds a milkshake place that Andrew liked so much that they make an hour detour on the way back to go again.

They come back to Palmetto in time for Summer training. Their room this year is just Andrew, Neil, and Kevin. There are four new freshmen with four new sob stories to deal with. Andrew hates the freshmen, Neil tolerates the freshmen, and they both have to deal with the headache that is Kevin Day.

***

Andrew should have stopped this practice an hour ago.

Should have put Kevin in his place with how the Striker was talking to Neil an hour ago.

Neil thought that Kevin needed this practice tonight. It was Riko’s birthday and Neil wanted to be a good friend to Kevin even if Neil hated Riko and didn't understand why Kevin mourned him.

The only thing that stayed his hand and had him controlling his growing ire with how Kevin was acting and talking to Neil was that Neil wasn’t taking it personally. He accepted the critiques on what he could improve and got back up to try again like the energizer bunny he is.

Still, Andrew did not like how Kevin kept pushing Neil or how he was talking to Neil.

Then Kevin crossed a boundary with Neil that Andrew wouldn’t let slide.

“You still can’t do this drill perfectly even though it’s been a whole year! How in the world do you think you’re going to have anyone recruit you when you’re like this Neil?!” Kevin shouts and Neil flinches back and that’s the end for Andrew.

“That’s enough.” Andrew hisses from his spot in the goal. “Pack up, we’re going back.” He orders walking towards Kevin.

“No! Neil needs to get this perfect!” Kevin shouts back.

“Kevin, we’re done tonight.” Andrew hisses before he looks over to Neil, “I’m done.” He says and Neil nods and turns to go grab his and Andrew’s bags that they’d left off to the side.

“Neil, we’re not done! You gave me your game!” Kevin yells and Neil flinches again because Neil took his gift to Kevin very seriously. Neil always followed Kevin’s lead on Exy. Took all of Kevin’s insane extra practices seriously and followed the diet plan diligently.

Neil had told Andrew how much it meant to him that Kevin thought he could make court and how it’d devastated Kevin when Neil had thought his life had an expiration date. That Kevin still taking his training as seriously as he did, promising that they’d still train every night, was one of the few comforts Neil had in the lead-up to what he thought would be his death.

So, Andrew knows it takes a lot from Neil when he keeps his back turned on Kevin, “Kevin, I’m done tonight. We can pick this up tomorrow when we’re rested and you’re in a better head space.” Neil says taking off his helmet and Andrew feels pride swirl in his chest as Neil makes a boundary.

Pride cometh before the fall had never been quite so literal as it was in the next few moments.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me!” Kevin’s shout has Neil turn around and Andrew had been too focused on watching Neil to see the danger that was next to him.

He only realizes what’s happening when he sees Kevin’s Exy racket move and watches as Neil turns around at the sound of Kevin’s shout.

All he can do is watch.

Watch as the ball slams into Neil’s unprotected cheek. Watch as Neil loses his balance. Watch as Neil falls and cracks his head against the unforgiving court floor.

Watch as Neil lays there on the ground and does not get up.

There’s no sound but the sound of the ball bouncing twice on the court before rolling away and the blood rushing through Andrew’s ears.

“…Neil?” Kevin’s voice is like a hard reset on his brain and he finally starts to run.

“Neil!” Andrew shouts but Neil doesn’t move from his spot on the ground.

Andrew goes to kneel but it's more accurate to say he collapses next to Neil as he takes in the sight of his Junkie. Blood is pooling on the ground around his head, his eyes are closed, his nose has blood running from both nostrils and one of the scars from Baltimore has reopened on his cheek, but it isn’t where the pooling blood is coming from.

Andrew doesn’t know what to do first, doesn’t know if he should even touch Neil when he’s in a state like this.

Then Neil’s eyes crack open, “Ow.” He says as if he isn’t bleeding on the ground. Andrew watches as Neil brings a hand up to try and touch his cheek. Andrew catches his hand before he can prod at the wound, Neil doesn’t need to have a panic attack when he has a head wound.

“Neil, can you look at me?” he asks and Neil’s eyes drift over to him sluggishly.

“Andrew?” he asks dazedly.

“I don’t think that Aaron would hold your hand.” He retorts which makes Neil laugh and it's a beautiful noise, “I’m calling you an ambulance.” Andrew says pulling his phone out of his pocket with the hand that isn’t holding Neil’s and hopes that Neil’s too out of it to notice how his hand is shaking as he dials three digits.

“No…I don’t like hospitals.” Neil pleads but Andrew squeezes his hand to quiet him. “Andrew, c’mon anything but a hospital.” Neil tries. “Can’t I go to Abby?” he asks.

“Abby is on vacation for four more days. We’re not waiting four days to get your head looked at Junkie. You have a bleeding head wound Neil.” He dismisses Neil’s pleas and the unease in his stomach that Neil didn’t remember Abby’s much-discussed end-of-summer trip. 

Andrew briefly turns his attention away from Neil’s pleas to give all the important information to the dispatcher. When the ambulance is on its way Andrew turns his full attention back onto Neil who is making the pouty face that Andrew shouldn’t find so damn endearing.

Andrew pulls off his own shirt and carefully leverages Neil up so that his white jersey can start stemming the flow of blood. He doesn’t like how naked he feels outside of the privacy of his and Neil’s bed, but he has the clothes he brought to change into in his duffel bag that he’ll slide on before he climbs into the ambulance and his discomfort is meaningless in the face of stemming the flow of blood from Neil’s poor battered head.

“How’d I fall?” Neil asks after a moment eyes taking in Andrew’s bared chest, “Did I trip?” He asks.

Andrew feels ice in his veins.

“You don’t remember?” He asks because if Neil is missing memories, then it’s a much bigger problem.

Neil drags his eyes up from Andrew's chest to his face, “I think only like the immediate before? I remember Kevin was mad, I took my helmet off and now my cheek and the back of my head hurt.” He says and that’s far less of a problem. It’s more like Neil didn’t even realize that Kevin had hit him. 

Didn’t even consider it as a possibility in his rattled brain.

“Neil?” Kevin’s voice sounds from behind him and Andrew keeps his eyes on Neil.

He has Neil's blood staining his hands right now. If Andrew sees Kevin Day before Neil gets a medical all-clear then Andrew will end the night with more than Neil's blood staining his hands.

Neil looks past Andrew, likely at where Kevin is standing, and offers an awkward smile, “I’m fine Kev.” Neil tries to reassure him, perhaps seeing Kevin standing there nervously.

It boils Andrew’s blood when he hears a sigh of relief, that Kevin thinks he’s allowed to be comforted by Neil when Kevin did this to him.

“I can see now that you and Riko really were raised as brothers,” Andrew says and Neil startles blinking back at Andrew in confusion. Andrew dismisses the unspoken question at the moment. Andrew's anger feels too all-consuming for him to answer Neil right now.

He hears a choked sound from behind him.

“I-I-!” Kevin tries.

Andrew reaches out and firmly wraps his hands around Neil’s ears to block out what he wants to say to Kevin next. Andrew will not let his anger be something that leaves Neil as collateral, but he needs to make some things clear to Kevin right now. He needs to let the Queen of Exy know that this will never happen again.

Neil blinks but accepts the hands around his ears, his eyes going to the ceiling so that he doesn’t read Andrew’s lips. Andrew is glad he does not close them because Andrew would probably panic if he thought Neil was slipping into unconsciousness.

“Tell me Kevin, is this how you’re choosing to honor Riko’s memory? Is this how you’re going to grieve for him?” he asks letting his thumbs stroke Neil’s cheek, careful to avoid the reopened wound.

“N-N-” he hears a strangled breath from behind him.

He keeps his eyes on Neil. Neil doesn’t react at all to what is being said so Andrew continues.

 “Can I even trust you alone with him? What will you do to the man who defended you to his own detriment, believed in you, and kept up with all of your insane demands? What will you do to him in memory of the man who wanted to make you less? Are you going to call Jean over from the Trojans so that he can hold down his legs? Where will you get the handcuffs for his hands?” He asks keeping his voice light but knows that each question and each comparison is hitting like a knife when he hears the strangled noises coming from Kevin after each of them.

He decides to go in for the kill, “I don’t know how well his burned skin will take the ink if you want to put a pawn on his cheek.” He strokes the burnt skin on Neil’s cheek. “I certainly won’t let you take him on a ski trip.” He finishes.

“No!” Kevin screams and at that Neil startles, the volume drawing him out of whatever ‘not listening’ daze he had put himself in.

“Kevin?” Neil questions and Andrew hates that Neil still sounds worried for the asshole who hurt him. Hates that Neil tries to get up from his spot on the ground to look at Kevin.

Andrew tightens his grip on Neil’s head and keeps him on the ground with his head pressed against Andrew’s bloodstained jersey. Neil looks at him in concern but when Andrew shakes his head, he returns his gaze to the ceiling.

“No! I’m not-! I never meant to-! Andrew, I-I-I’m not him and I’d never hurt-!”

“You already did,” Andrew says. He can hear the sound of the ambulance, “Get out of here Day. I can’t stand to look at you right now. Neil shouldn’t need to worry about you when his head’s cracked open.” He hisses and waits until he hears the sound of rapid footsteps running away and the door slamming shut.

Always a coward.

He lets his hands come off of Neil’s ears.

Neil blinks, coming back to himself from wherever he had gone, “Where’d Kevin go? Is he okay?” Neil asks looking at Andrew worriedly.  

“Focus on yourself right now. You’ve done enough for Kevin today.” He says instead and wishes he had something to wipe the blood off of Neil’s face. He can hear the EMTs coming in and maybe he should have sent Kevin to at least lead them in because it will take them longer to get on the court.

“How do you feel?” he asks looking at Neil.

Neil looks at him woozily, “I feel dizzy.” Neil says and Andrew can’t help but feel like there's ice in his stomach whenever Neil actually admits to not feeling ‘fine’.

Andrew wonders if Neil is going into shock and carefully undoes the neck guard hoping Neil will breathe easier but has nothing to elevate Neil’s legs with. He strokes Neil’s cheek, “You’re going to be okay. The EMTs will be here soon.” He promises.

The EMTs almost make a liar out of him with how long it takes them to arrive and for a terrible minute, Andrew considers the real possibility that he’ll have to leave Neil alone to get them.

They show up before he’s forced to make that decision and Neil is quickly secured on a transport board once they confirm that Neil’s neck was fine. “I’m coming with you; I’m just going to grab our bags.” He promises Neil before he gives a firm look to the EMTs.

He runs and grabs their bags and sees that Kevin’s is still there. Kevin, even in his worst panic, would never leave behind his gear.

So, Kevin hasn’t left the stadium and is still lingering around probably having a panic attack over what Andrew had said.

“Drew?” Came a nervous voice and Andrew leaves thoughts of Kevin Day behind as he runs back to Neil’s side pulling on his spare shirt before grabbing Neil’s hand.

Neil is Andrew’s priority.

“I’m right here Neil.” He says and Andrew won’t leave his side again tonight if he can help it.

***

Andrew sits with Neil as they wait for a doctor to come and put four staples into Neil’s head to close the wound Kevin had put there. “At least I somehow don’t have a concussion,” Neil says with a yawn. His early morning run made this 1 AM hospital visit very tiring.

Neil had, in fact, been going into a mild state of shock when the EMTs got to him. It was remedied as they wrapped Neil in a shock blanket, elevated his legs, and let Andrew spend the entire ride to the hospital saying soft assurances in German as the EMTs stopped the bleeding.

Neil’s blood pressure returned to normal, and Andrew let his own heart relax an inch. Then the nurse who had come into the room to clean up Neil’s hair before his head was stapled back together had merely given him the comb and left to deal with some other patient's crisis and he’d relaxed an inch further. Getting Neil wrapped in Andrew’s warmup jacket bought him an additional inch.

Taking care of Neil was always a balm for his frayed nerves.

“Only four staples too. It isn’t even that bad.” Neil adds when Andrew didn’t respond to his first comment. He’s staying still as Andrew combs out the dried blood in his hair.

“Don’t minimize what he did.” He reprimands and he shouldn’t have told Neil how exactly he’d ended up on the ground with a bleeding cheek and a cracked head. Ever since Neil had found out that it was Kevin who cracked his head open Neil had been masking his own discomfort and pain.

Andrew can only see it for what it is: Neil trying to soothe Andrew’s burning anger towards Kevin.

Neil was still trying to help Kevin even though it was Kevin’s action that resulted in Neil being in the hospital. It’s a place where Neil can never relax; he's too conditioned by his mother to view the sterile walls as a real threat to his life and freedom.

“It’s really not that bad.” Neil tries again despite Andrew’s order, but Andrew isn’t angry at him. Somewhere along the way in their ‘something’ he’d lost the ability to get angry at Neil when he’s hurt and it’s not his fault.

“Stop pretending like this is nothing.” He says and throws a clump of dried blood into the hazmat waste bin the nurse had left. He takes one of the wipes that the nurse left and returns to Neil’s bloodied hair. He keeps his attention gentle as he works on removing the remnants of blood clinging to Neil’s hair and can feel Neil relaxing further into his care.

A few minutes later Neil’s hair is mostly red by genetics instead of blood loss. He finishes wiping the blood out of Neil’s hair. He grabs more of the wipes and comes to sit next to Neil so he can clean the blood from his face.

Neil closes his eyes and lets Andrew take care of him. Andrew feels a further balm on his nerves, another inch regained.

“I’ve really had way worse.” He promises; as if Andrew doesn't know about his 'worse'. As if Andrew isn’t cleaning blood away from a reopened worse. Andrew has been there in the aftermaths of way worse.

Andrew didn’t like it when Neil got a scrape on his knee or a papercut.

Neil had a head wound that would need staples and a reopened face wound that could trigger his memories from Baltimore if he looked into a mirror. Neil had never deserved any of the ‘worse’ that happened to him, but this one ate at Andrew even more.

Neil had said no, had set a boundary, and then he had been punished.

“The more you try and pretend that you’re fine, the angrier I’m getting with Kevin,” Andrew says and watches as Neil frowns (pouts) as Andrew washes blood from under his nose. His anger at Kevin is 70% that he hurt Neil, 10% that Kevin may have set back Andrew's efforts to positively reinforce Neil setting boundaries, and 20% that Neil seems to believe that Kevin’s attack was only because Kevin wanted what was best for him.

Andrew knew that Neil equated violence done to him by people he cared about as something done for his own good.

Andrew wouldn’t let Kevin become another Mary Hatford in Neil’s life.

Andrew finishes cleaning up Neil’s face and the two sit in mostly comfortable silence. He can see Neil trying to find a way to not lie and say that he’s perfectly fine being in a hospital.

Thankfully the doctor comes in before Andrew has to hear whatever Neil was thinking up.

The doctor gives a brief rundown on what he’s going to do, mentions that the nurse had done a good job cleaning the cuts and Andrew doesn’t take the credit but does let himself feel pleased. He holds Neil still as the doctor touches his face for a final check to make sure nothing else was damaged.

Neil doesn’t move, his Junkie was long used to holding still for prodding hands.

The doctor offers Neil an option of a painful numbing shot or a topical gel. The doctor has the good sense to say that the shot will likely hurt more than getting the staples themselves, so Neil goes for the topical gel. 

The doctor leaves to get the topical gel and the wait must finally be too much for Neil because he breaks. Neil turns to Andrew and asks a weak ‘Yes or No?’ as he looks at Andrew’s neck and Andrew barely finishes saying yes before Neil is burying his face into it.

He’s tense and nervous.

It could be for any number of traumas that Neil has gone through, but he knows that older men holding something that will hurt will always make Neil nervous.

The doctor comes back in and notices Neil’s new position and tries to ease the tension with a quick joke “I’ll try and make sure I don’t staple you two together.” But it falls flat with Neil’s nerves and Andrew being Andrew.

The doctor applies the topical and says he’ll be back in 10 minutes when it’s fully absorbed.

Andrew’s hand comes up to rub at the back of Neil’s neck. He can feel all the tension that Neil had been holding there in his attempt to seem unafraid and unaffected. Neil doesn’t fully relax under Andrew’s hand, but his shoulders loosen fractionally.

The doctor reappears 15 minutes later but despite the five-minute delay, he is swift and professional as he puts the staples into Neil’s head. Neil holds himself perfectly still for the procedure. Andrew can almost physically feel how Neil’s brain has locked itself away somewhere else, Neil was always talented at running away and he could even do it from his own body.

The doctor takes one final look at the cut on Neil’s face before putting some butterfly bandages on it and covering the mess with gauze. “You said this is a scar reopening due to blunt force? Scar tissue is always going to be a little weaker than normal healthy tissue, it was a breaking point for the blunt force.” He says.

“Like what bakers do to bread,” Neil says voice small from his spot against Andrew’s neck. Andrew squeezes the back of his neck to coax Neil to come back into his body and out of the slight catatonia he'd been in.

“Well, it’s not like someone put those on you intentionally like bakers do.” The doctor laughs but goes pale when Andrew shoots a murderous look at him as he feels Neil flinch and retreat again.

The doctor hurries out of the room promising he’ll be back in 5 minutes with the care instructions and a tool for Andrew to take the staples out of Neil’s head in a week or two depending on how it’s healing.

It takes him 20 minutes to have the balls to come back and during that time Neil did manage to come back to himself with Andrew’s firm grip and hushed words. Andrew also took the time to change Neil into his own prepared change of clothes and zipped back into Andrew's warmup jacket.

The doctor hands over everything to Andrew without looking either of them in the eye but he does have the balls to guide them directly to the discharge desk before taking off at a brisk walk.

They deal with the medical bill and insurance questions. At Andrew’s insistence after everything that had happened last year, he and Neil had gotten excellent health insurance that the Hatford family stubbornly paid for despite Neil’s insistence that he could pay for it on his own.

They catch a cab back to Fox’s tower and Neil is nodding off against Andrew’s shoulder the entire trip but keeps startling awake when his bruised cheek touches Andrew’s shoulder and when his head tilts back and his staples touch the seat.

They reach the tower, and no one is waiting up. He texts Wymack that neither he nor Neil will be at practice later today seeing as it was now 3 AM. Andrew opens the door to their room and Kevin is not there.

Kevin did always have excellent survival instincts.

Neil was still slightly chilled from the shock and the blood he’d lost so Andrew changes Neil for a second time and makes sure to put him in one of Andrew's own sweatshirts and sweatpants. Andrew drags Neil in front of the mirror to brush his teeth but can see how Neil's hand stills as he keeps dropping off as he sits on the toilet. Andrew finally has pity for his exhausted Junkie and has him spit out the toothpaste and rinse.

Neil made an agonized noise when they got to the room. Andrew blinks wondering if Neil had somehow hurt himself again but when he turns he sees Neil looking at the ladder to his own lofted bed as if it were the enemy.

“Neil,” he says looking at his own bed pointedly, but Neil just shook his head tiredly.

“It won’t work, I’m going to have to sleep on my stomach, so it’d be too tight to sleep together,” Neil says and it’s not good for Andrew’s heart for Neil to be so considerate, especially when he looks so tired and vulnerable.

Before Andrew could think of a way for them to make it work Neil has taken a deep breath and climbed his way up into his lofted bed. Neil lets out a long sigh and is out like a light.

Andrew looks at the slow rise and fall of his Junkie's back, carefully climbs up the ladder, and manages to wrestle the blanket Neil had neglected over Neil's back. With nothing left to do for Neil at the moment, Andrew crawls into his own bed by himself and wishes Neil was a little less considerate.

***

When Andrew gets up the next morning Neil was not in his bed.

He has a hard time believing that Neil managed to clamber out of his lofted bed without waking Andrew, but the empty mattress says everything. He hears the TV when he strains to listen for it and when he walks out of their room into the living room, he finds Neil with deep bags under his eyes watching House Hunters.

Neil’s gaze slides tiredly over to Andrew, “Morning.” He says and has the audacity to smile.

“Why are you up?” Andrew asks hand reaching out and tracing the bags under Neil’s eyes.

“I kept turning over in my sleep. I don’t like sleeping on my stomach.” Neil says. “I feel way too exposed.” He adds after a moment.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Andrew asks fingers tracing Neil’s cheek where he’d removed the bandage. The bruise looks even worse this morning with Neil’s pale and tired face. 

“You hate House Hunters,” Neil says and Andrew does but still would have preferred to spend the whole night with Neil in his arms and disagreeing with everything the stupid couple decided on. “We missed morning practice,” Neil says gaze drifting back to the TV.

“I already texted Wymack,” Andrew says and pulls his phone out of his pocket. Wymack had texted back late last night.

Sent: 3:42 AM

Wymack: Call me when you wake up. I’ll get you excused from your summer class today and I won’t expect either of you at practice.

Andrew calls Wymack as he goes to the kitchen to grab water for himself and Neil. The discussion is brief, he explains what happened, that Neil is out of it, and that Andrew will not be leaving his side for any length of time longer than a bathroom break. Wymack doesn’t fight him on it, just sighs and asks if Andrew hurt Kevin at all the night before. 

“I didn’t touch him,” Andrew says. Despite his various fantasies of punching out the Queen of Exy last night he had been focused on Neil and hadn't laid a finger on Day.

“Dammit.” Wymack sighs. “Whatever, take care of Josten. He’s off the court until Monday when Abby gets back, understood?” he asks.

“Yeah.” Andrew agrees easily because he had no intention of letting Neil on the court or near Kevin for the next few days anyways.

“Good.” Is all Wymack says before he hangs up.

Andrew sighs but settles on the far end of the couch stretching out his legs and parting them, “Neil.” He says and Neil’s exhausted eyes drift towards him, “Come here.” He pats his chest and Neil must be tired because he doesn’t double-check with Andrew before he’s crawling across the couch.

He settles on top of Andrew and Andrew likes Neil’s weight on him like this. Neil is tense in his arms like he always is whenever Andrew invites him to lay on him, “Can I touch you?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah, wherever you want, just…” Neil yawns, “…careful with my head. It hurts.” Neil says and Andrew hums in acknowledgment before guiding Neil’s face into his neck making sure Neil rests on his uninjured cheek.

Andrew runs his hands along Neil’s back and finds the muscles there are tense. He takes his time idly listening to the house hunters episode and choosing not to pay attention so that he doesn’t get heated over them consistently picking the worst house.

He can feel Neil relaxing inch by inch until Neil’s breathing is soft against his neck and Andrew reaches for the remote and changes the channel to watch a cooking competition. He has to be quiet and careful for the next 90 minutes but once Neil hits REM nothing will wake his Rabbit up.

Unfortunately, only 20 minutes later the door slams open to their dorm and Neil jolts awake instantly alert and ready to run from years of bad experiences. He’s off of Andrew before Andrew could put a hand to his neck to get him to stay.

“Neil! Oh my gosh! We heard from Coach that you got hurt!” Nicky’s voice carries from the entrance and Andrew will be remedying the inexcusable mistake of allowing his cousin to have a spare key to his dorm. The majority of the remaining foxes filter in. “Wha- oh no…you look terrible Neil. Did you get any sleep?” He asks and Andrew grits his teeth.

Neil blinks sluggishly looking at them all his brain still trying to process if he should be running for his life or fighting for it. “He was getting some sleep until the door slammed open.” He reaches out and wraps his hand around the back of Neil’s neck.

Neil's shoulders drop and he clenches his eyes shut for a long moment seemingly trying to force his exhaustion away by closing his eyes extra hard.

“It’s okay.” Neil says even though it absolutely isn’t, “Yeah, it was a training accident. Just a quick trip to the hospital for some staples in my head. It’s nothing major.” Neil says.

“You poor baby.” Allison comes over and cups his face, “It must be bad if you and Day are both out today. A practice without Day is a dream but no Neil just feels wrong.” She says thumb brushing over the dark bruise on his cheek.

“Kevin wasn’t at practice?” Neil asks surprised.

“Yeah, Wymack says he’s out for at least today, maybe tomorrow too,” Matt says coming over and checking the back of Neil’s head reaching out to prod at the staples.

Andrew catches his wrist before he touches it. “Don’t touch him there. They hurt.” He says voice firm.

Matt retracts his head, “Sorry, weird compulsion. Oh wow, four staples right there. Did it hurt getting them?” Matt asks.

“Not really.” Neil shrugs but the truth is that he probably doesn’t remember considering how far away from his body he’d been when the doctor put them in.

“You look rough Neil, I’m sorry I couldn’t grab this one before he barged in here,” Dan says apologetically gesturing towards a contrite Nicky.

“Sorry, Neil.” Nicky apologizes as if it means anything.

“Don’t be sorry. Think before you act.” Andrew grits out. “Give me your key to this dorm.” He demands extending his hand out to his cousin.

“Aw, but what if I need something from here?” Nicky asks pouting and holding the keys to his chest.

“Then you can wait to ask someone who actually lives in this room for it.” Andrew hisses and Nicky’s shoulders slump before he puts the key in Andrew’s hand.

They give their well wishes to Neil and trudge out of the room. Andrew locks the door behind them all and throws the extra key into the bowl by the door.

Neil is up now, the adrenaline from his fight or flight response too strong for him to go back to sleep any time soon.

Andrew sighs hating the tired way that Neil moves towards the kitchen. “I guess I must have been listening to your stupid cooking show while I was dozing there. I’m kind of hungry.” Neil says with an awkward smile to Andrew.

Andrew huffs but heads into the kitchen. “I’ll make lunch. Sit down, Junkie.” He points towards one of the desk chairs. Neil blinks at him slowly before smiling awkwardly.

“It’s easier if I make it, the diet plan Kev-”

“We’re not following the diet plan today.” Andrew hisses not wanting any part of Kevin touching Neil today.

“But Andrew, I’ve been noticing-”

“You won’t lose your progress if you skip it for one stupid day. I’ll even make something healthy.” He points to the desk chair more insistently. His brain jumps through a list of ingredients that would suit his needs before he pulls out a can of almonds and puts them in front of Neil. “Snack on those.” He orders.

He forces himself to remember all the foods that make people tired. Almonds were an easy one, but Neil needed more than almonds. 

He grabs the turkey, avocado, and lettuce to make lettuce wraps. He scowls at the fridge remembering how Neil had, as per usual, plowed through the bountiful amount of fruit that they’d gotten just three days before. No kiwis or tart cherries so he’d just have to hope that the turkey and avocado would pull their weight and get Neil sleepy.

***

Andrew was not overly successful in getting Neil to sleep.

Whenever Neil’s fight or flight instincts were unleashed, it was almost impossible for him to come down from it until he did one of the two or a large amount of time had passed. 

Andrew was not letting Neil Josten who was so tired he walked into a door and apologized to it go and run even on a treadmill. Andrew was also not about to let Neil fight someone when his head was barely being held together by four staples.

So, Neil has been unfortunately awake for the whole day despite Andrew’s numerous efforts.

Kevin did not come back to the dorms that evening either.

Andrew did not care but Neil was worried.

“He’s with his dad. Wymack won’t let him do anything stupid.” Andrew says, “Sleep with me tonight.” He says changing the topic.

“You have that test tomorrow in your morning class. You need your sleep.” Neil declines but Neil needs someone to hold him so he can sleep. “I’ll try and sleep sitting up out here. If it doesn’t work, then we can try after you get back from your test. You need to pass it for that class.” Neil adds.

Andrew hates this. Hates that he hasn’t gotten to a point where he can hold Neil and sleep himself without waking in a panic and striking out. Hates that Neil knows this and knows what’s going on for Andrew academically. Hates that Neil cares more about that than getting the sleep he needs to heal.

If Neil doesn’t get sleep tonight, then Andrew will come back from his class and load them into the Maserati and go to Columbia where no one will bother them.

He tries a few more times to entice Neil into sleeping on him but Neil is resolute until he looks at Andrew and squeezes Andrew’s hands, “Andrew it’s a no tonight.” He says and now Andrew won’t push further because Neil’s made a boundary.

Neil has made a boundary after he'd been punished for the last one and Andrew won't cross it even if it is a boundary that only exists for tonight and for Andrew’s GPA. Andrew would sooner die than toe the line.

So, Andrew goes to bed and Neil watches more House Hunters.

When Andrew wakes the next morning, it is to House Hunters International and Neil looks even worse.

Andrew’s stomach twists and Neil’s too tired to even pretend to be fine. “…can you hold me when you get back from class?” He asks voice pleading.

“Would you prefer here or Columbia?” He asks and his hands itch to touch him.

It looks like Neil swallows down a plea, “…just wanna sleep….’m sorry.” Neil apologizes and clenches his eyes shut, “I…. I’m losing time…I feel like I’m…I’m back at Evermore.” Neil admits and Andrew hates how he sounds like it’s something shameful.

Andrew takes Neil's face into his hands, "Do not apologize." he orders firmly and his thumb runs under Neil's eye. "I am going to see if I can take my test early," he says and the only reason that Andrew even gives a shit about this test for a stupid gen-ed class is that he refuses to make Neil's suffering pointless. "Try to relax, you're safe now. Riko is dead and he can never hurt you again. You'll never be at Evermore for anything longer than a game or a banquet ever again." he promises.

“Okay. I…I’ll try. I’m just so tired it’s hard to remember.” Neil croaks sounding miserable.

Andrew leans in and kisses Neil’s forehead. “I will do my test and then I will come back, and you can sleep.” He promises and hastily gets ready to go to his professor’s early morning office hours. He’s sure if he asks, he can take the test a few hours early and get back to Neil. He leaps down the steps and runs to the office building not willing to waste any time hunting for parking when Neil needed him.

The professor is willing to let him take the test in his office and Andrew blows through it in record time his studying and memory allowing him to breeze through the history questions.

He thanks his professor through gritted teeth and runs all the way back to the tower.

He takes the steps two at a time and is out of breath when he gets to his door. He unlocks the door and enters as quietly as he can so that he doesn’t spook Neil into another flight or fight stretch in case Neil has fallen asleep.

The dorm is quiet.

The TV is off for the first time in over 24 hours.

Kevin Day is on the couch and Neil Josten is asleep in his arms. 

Kevin Day is awake but hardly looks any better than Neil. His eyes are bloodshot and there are obvious recent tear tracks down his face. He has a wrap around his left wrist and his right hand is gently stroking Neil’s hair being careful about where the staples are. 

Every atom in Andrew wants to rip Neil out of Kevin’s arms but knows that being pulled like that would trigger Neil’s flight or fight again and Neil couldn’t take another guaranteed 12 hours of no sleep. Knows that Neil is teetering on the edge of Evermore flashbacks already.

Kevin had chosen his re-entry into their dorm quite well but if Andrew found out that Neil couldn’t remember asking or accepting Kevin’s offer to sleep like this then he’d kill the Queen of Exy anyways.

Kevin’s gaze drifts up from Neil to Andrew.

He opens his mouth but looks down at Neil and clamps his mouth shut.

Andrew holds up his phone and Kevin hesitantly pulls his out of his own pocket careful not to disturb Neil’s careful positioning. Andrew gestures to the side where the silence switch sat, and Kevin nods before silencing his phone so the text tone wouldn’t disturb Neil.

Sent: 9:32 AM

Andrew: When did you get here and when did Neil go to sleep

Sent: 9:33 AM

Kevin:   I got here an hour ago. I thought I would catch both of you before your class. 

It’s been about 45 minutes since Neil fell asleep.

Andrew closes his eyes and accepts that it’s too soon for him to join them on the couch. Neil’s sleep is too shallow at this point for the movement not to startle him in his current state. Kevin had probably been taking the elevator while Andrew had been running down the stairs to go talk to his Professor.

He looks down at his phone when he opens his eyes, he sees that Kevin has texted him again.

Sent: 9:35 AM

Kevin:   We talked.

I apologized for what I did at our last night practice. 

Neil accepted my apology.  

He looks up at Kevin and sees the nervous expression on his face as he waits for Andrew’s response and can see how he’s tensing the longer Andrew stares at him. More importantly, he sees Neil’s brows furrow as Kevin’s hold grew stiff.

Sent: 9:38 AM

Andrew:  You’re going to wake Neil up.

Kevin looks at the text and Andrew watches as Kevin forces his limbs to loosen.

Sent: 9:39 AM

Andrew:  Neil’s so tired right now that he’s having Evermore flashbacks. 

He’s not in a state to accept anything

Let alone your shitty apology.

Andrew will kill Kevin if the man flinches.

Kevin proves his unparalleled survival instinct and remains still despite the pained look he gives Neil.

Sent: 9:40 AM

Kevin:  Is he having nightmares? Is that why he’s so tired?

  Sent: 9:41 AM

Andrew:  No.

His staples and bruised cheek are making it hard for him to sleep. 

He can't sleep on his back or his sides.

Sent: 9:42 AM

Kevin:  That explains why he asked me to just hold him and make sure he didn't roll over.

Andrew scowls at his phone. Neil had asked according to Kevin and Andrew didn't even doubt that Neil had been desperate enough to sleep that any of the foxes (except maybe Aaron and Nicky) would have been asked.

Sent: 9:44 AM

Kevin:  I'll apologize again when he's more awake.

I didn't realize he was that tired.

Sent: 9:45 AM

Andrew: Good thing you're not a goalie.

A lot gets past you Day.

Sent: 9:49 AM

Kevin:  It was the first time in my entire life I wished I had missed. 

I never meant to hurt Neil.

I shouldn't have even been doing night practice.

Neil was only there because he didn't want me to be alone.

Andrew looks up from Kevin's messages to see the look on the Striker's face. The hand around Neil's back is bunched into the fabric of the hoodie Neil was wearing. Kevin's lips are pressed in a thin and miserable line.

Sent: 9:51 AM

Andrew:  Regret won't do anything. It won't fix the gash on Neil's head.

Sent: 9:52 AM

Kevin:  I know. I still regret that I hurt him.

I want to make a deal with you Andrew.

Andrew over at Kevin and raises his eyebrow but nods at the man's questioning gaze.

He's willing to hear him out.

Sent: 9:55 AM

Kevin:  If I ever start acting like Riko again, especially toward Neil

I want you to come after me.

Andrew blinks.

He had not been expecting that.

Sent: 9:57 AM

Andrew:  You know what it means when I go after someone.

Sent: 9:57 AM

Kevin:  I know, and it scares me.

Sent: 9:58 AM

Andrew:  I'll aim for your hands.

Sent: 10:00 AM

Kevin:  I know. Keep me in line.

Don't let me become a monster like Riko was.

I don’t want Neil to become like me.

Andrew snorts at the very thought of Neil Josten ever being cowed by Kevin Day the way Kevin had by Riko. His eyes dart to where Neil continues to sleep in Kevin's arms.

Kevin scowls at his snort of derision.

Sent: 10:02 AM

Kevin:  If Riko had ever come and apologized I would have forgiven him like Neil forgave me.

Andrew reads that statement over 3 times before he starts to type his reply.

Sent: 10:05 AM

Andrew:  Neil has not forgiven you.

Andrew thinks of Neil worrying about Kevin even when he was hiding that he was an anxious mess at the hospital.

Sent: 10:06 AM

Andrew:  Neil would never forgive Nathan or Lola for what they did to him.

He's not like you.

Sent: 10:10 AM

Kevin:  He forgave his mom.

Andrew holds his phone tightly in his hands again. Neil won't even consider that Mary did something that would even need to be forgiven.

Sent: 10:12 AM

Andrew:  Then just know that I will never forgive Mary Hatford, Nathan Wesninski, Lola Malcolm, or Riko Moriyama.

Andrew looked Kevin in the eye before he hit send on his next message.

Sent: 10:14 AM

Andrew:  I'm not forgiving you either and next time our deal will be in effect.

Kevin's bad hand clutched at Neil's sweatshirt tighter. He held Neil like a child would with a favored teddy bear.

Sent: 10:17 AM

Kevin:  There won't be a next time.

What do you want with our deal?

Andrew pondered that for a moment. He thought about demanding that Kevin cut night practice down to only 3 times a week. Leveraging that Kevin was not allowed to comment on what they did on the weekends.

He looks at Neil with his good cheek against Kevin's chest and how Kevin was holding Neil like the world would end if Neil left his arms.

Sent: 10:25 AM

Andrew:  You won't be a coward if Neil needs help.

Kevin blinks at the message even as he moves from the spot he'd been standing since he came in and saw Neil asleep in Kevin's arms. He reaches for the remote and Kevin's leg kicks out toward Andrew to try and bar him from turning it on.

"He's in REM at this point, light noise won't wake him up," Andrew says and Kevin's panicked look down at Neil was enough for Andrew to accept that Kevin was capable of holding up his end of the deal.

Neil continues to sleep against Kevin's chest and Andrew pushes Kevin's other leg so that it's bent and freeing up the end of the couch. He lifts Neil's legs and has them in his lap as he turns on the Food Network. His hands massaging Neil's ankles and feet idly as he leans back and puts his feet up on the coffee table.

"You hurt your wrist," Andrew states.

"I was cleaning up Neil's blood," Kevin responds back. "Wymack found me after you texted him. I'm off practice for a few days but it's fine," he says and doesn't elaborate on how cleaning Neil's blood off the court would hurt his wrist.

Though, if it was Andrew's text to Wymack that alerted the man to go look for his Exy-obsessed son then maybe Kevin lost a few hours between Andrew and Neil leaving and Wymack's arrival trying to clean.

Andrew just hums in response.

Kevin looks at him for a few moments before his gaze moves toward the show. "He's kind of pretentious," Kevin says about a chef that is looking down on the surprise ingredients.

"You would know." Andrew trades back.

Kevin and Andrew talk quietly and casually as they both settle in to watch the Chopped marathon going on. Neil sleeps like the dead throughout the morning.

Neil half wakes up at lunch his body is now too used to being fed at certain times but he's still out of it. Kevin carefully gets up and gives Neil over to Andrew and makes the three of them a healthy lunch and has the good sense to bring Andrew a pudding cup for dessert.

Neil eats mechanically and nearly falls into his meal a few times, but he's relaxed. Andrew guides him into his own chest this time, but Kevin stays on the couch. Andrew doesn't take up as much room as Kevin did.

Neil returns to full unconsciousness and when they can hear the sounds of the Foxes it's Kevin who tells them to be quiet and that their room is off limits today so Neil can sleep. 

Kevin dozes on the couch not leaving despite his bed likely being a far more comfortable spot to sleep.

Neil wakes up around dinner time and Andrew watches as Kevin gathers the courage to talk with Neil about what happened again, but Neil just seems confused.

"Didn't we already talk about this, or did I hallucinate it?" He asks looking leagues better than he had that morning.

Kevin blushes, "I... we did but you were out of it from how tired you were so I-"

“I remember Kev,” Neil says and pats Kevin on the shoulder.

“I just…it’s no excuse but I-I’m just so scared that I’ll lose you too,” Kevin says bringing his own hand to rest over the one Neil had on his shoulder. “But I hurt you instead. I could have lost you too and…” Kevin croaks.

“I’m okay Kevin. Just tired and sore. I forgive you for what happened, just don’t do that again.” Neil says.

Kevin looks at Neil his lips are pressed together in a way that lets Andrew know he’s barely containing a sob. “I swear, never again,” Kevin says and manages a watery smile at Neil.

"Cool, did I at least drool on you as vengeance?" Neil asks smiling.

Kevin rolls his eyes and laughs before he wipes away the beginnings of tears that had threatened to spill over and down his cheeks.

They get dinner with the rest of the foxes and it's as normal as it ever is whenever their group of idiots decide to go out somewhere. Andrew keeps a close eye on Neil, but he seems to have fully rallied from having spent the day sleeping. 

When they get back to the dorm Kevin doesn't even bring up night practice and they watch some HGTV show about flipping houses in deference to Neil.

When it is time for bed Andrew is surprised when Kevin's grabbed both his and Neil's pillows and pats his chest, "C'mon Neil. We're not practicing tomorrow but we can still go with everyone else." he says propped up on two beds worth of pillows.

Neil blinks and looks at Andrew. He knows that if Andrew doesn't want him to then Neil would spend another night awake.

"Go sleep on your Queen Mattress Neil," Andrew says with a roll of his eyes.

Kevin makes an affronted noise but Neil smiles and squeezes his hand once before he crawls into bed with Kevin. The other Striker's arms wrapped around Neil to hold him in place.

The two strikers were asleep quickly and Andrew takes some time to just watch the two of them from his own bed. He doesn’t like the twist of envy he feels that Kevin can give Neil something that Andrew currently can not but he’s more relieved to see Neil getting the rest he needs to heal properly.

Sleeping in the same bed as Neil is something he can do most of the time but holding him or being held is a bridge that they have only just arrived at. It’s something Andrew wants though. It’s something they’ll work on together once Neil’s healed.

Andrew plugs his phone in to charge it and sees that there was a message from Kevin that he'd not noticed before.

He opens it.

Sent: 12:11 PM

Kevin:  I promise.

Chapter Text

Since Neil got his staples removed Andrew has noticed some changes between Neil and Kevin. Kevin has always spent a lot of time around Andrew which means that he has also spent a lot of time around Neil since, more often than not, Neil and Andrew were together. Andrew was used to spending a lot of time with Kevin due to the two years that the ex-Raven had been glued to his side.

It had always been Kevin spending his time near Andrew and Neil. Doing his own thing while Andrew and Neil were engaged in whatever they were up to.

It’s different now.

Now Kevin is spending time with Neil.

Moreover, Kevin is often spending that time with Neil while touching Neil in some way or another.

Kevin had gone from the occasional shoulder pat after Neil had done something impressive on the court to casually hugging Neil whenever the other Striker was in range. Kevin sat next to Neil whenever he could and always leaned into his space without hesitation. At their night practices, now with a strict start and end time on Andrew’s firm insistence, Kevin would wrap his arm around Neil’s shoulders whenever they talked.

The most memorable occasion was after their first game of the season. Andrew had been held back by Wymack and Andrew had sent Neil onto the bus. His Junkie was exhausted from playing the match after having a nightmare the night before. When he got onto the bus it was quiet but not due to everyone having fallen asleep already. They were looking at him and looking back at-

Kevin and Neil were sitting together.

Neil’s head was against Kevin’s arm as he slept and the Queen of Exy seemed to be nodding off himself, his head coming dangerously close to resting on top of Neil’s soft hair.

Andrew had glowered down at him and Kevin had gotten up and moved to a different seat and fallen asleep against the window. Neil had woken up when his pillow left but when he looked up and saw Andrew his face melted into a happy smile. Andrew guided his Junkie’s face onto his shoulder, and it was a balm to his jealousy when Neil let out a happy sigh and cuddled closer with a dreamy, “Thanks Drew…” before he fully dropped off into sleep.

The thing that he noticed even more than the sudden uptick in Kevin’s casual touching of Neil was that Neil seemed to relish the casual touches that Kevin kept initiating.

Neil had always been a bit touch-starved and maybe Neil needed a bit more physical affection than Andrew could comfortably give in public. Neil melted into hugs and touches from the other Foxes as well, always happy to have someone touching him affectionately and with kindness.

Kevin’s touches bother him for some reason.

He brings it up to Neil, mentioning that he’s noticed Kevin’s sudden tactile nature (he does not mention that it bothers him because it doesn’t) but Neil just looks a little sad at Andrew’s questioning.

“The Nest…” Neil starts, and Andrew’s hackles rise like they always do whenever Neil talks about anything to do with the Ravens, let alone his half-remembered time under Riko’s non-existent mercy. “The Nest wasn’t really…it’s not a place where people touch one another casually. It’s either instructional or it’s punishment.” Neil explains and doesn’t mention the secret third option which is to torture. “Everyone else had normal partners that they could be…they could be close with. Kevin had Riko and Jean.” He explains.

Andrew can admit that it tracks with everything Kevin had ever told him about the Nest. It makes sense that Kevin wouldn’t really be able to reach out for any physical affection from either of the other members of the Perfect Court but for two very different reasons.

“I think when I slept on him, before my staples got removed, he realized how nice it was. Just to be able to touch someone and have someone touch him and not worry about getting hurt or them wanting something.” Neil explains further.

“Does it bother you?” Andrew asks. Even if he can understand and see the benefits to Kevin’s mental and physical health, he will end these touches if Neil even implies that it bothers him.

“No, I…” Neil looks embarrassedly down at his feet, “I also like it. It’s the same way I like how the Upperclassmen touch me. It’s nice not worrying that a touch will hurt or that it’ll lead to something else.” Neil’s fingers unconsciously rub at his bullet scar, a habit for when he’s thinking about Mary. “My mom wasn’t…if she was touching me, it was usually because I was injured or because I needed to be disciplined. When Nathan…” Neil trails off and the hand comes to the clothing iron scar.

The thought of it always makes Andrew angry that he can’t kill Nathan or Mary himself.

Andrew links their hands together and brushes his thumb along Neil’s hand to soothe him and draw him out of the painful memory. “Neil.” He says and Neil blinks out of whatever memory he’d been in.

He looks down at their hands linked together and Andrew almost pulls away before Neil’s hand tightens around his. “It’s also different when you touch me.” He says smiling.

Andrew frowns, “How?” he asks and continues to run his thumb along the back of Neil’s hand but now Andrew isn’t sure if it’s to soothe Neil or himself.

“Most of the time, when you touch me, I hope it leads to something else,” Neil says looking up at Andrew with a coy smile that Andrew has to kiss off his stupidly pretty face.

***

Andrew feels more settled after that illuminating conversation.

(He’s also mollified that Neil still only swings for him and what’s happening with Kevin is different.)

He can see Neil and Kevin’s new dynamic through much clearer eyes.

Andrew can see just how very platonic all of Kevin’s touches are. He recognizes it as almost exclusively the same kind of skinship that he’s seen any number of other athletes engage in with their teammates. He wonders if Kevin had grown up seeing those friendly casual touches and had wanted them, but until Neil, there had been no one safe to touch.

The other thing that Andrew notices, mostly due to the others mentioning it, is that Kevin has gotten so much more tolerable during practice.

Before, whenever Kevin got frustrated before he would take it out on whoever it was that wasn’t living up to whatever ridiculous standard he had decided on. Now, Andrew watches as Kevin’s Freshman Striker sub pick has failed to finish a drill that Neil had perfected in a quarter of the time the previous year.

He watches as Kevin’s shoulders grow tenser and tenser until he’s at the boiling point that usually results in yelling, insults, and a delay as Dan tries to wrangle practice back under her control. Except Kevin doesn’t do any of that.

Kevin heads over to Neil who is running drills with Freshmen Backliner subs. Neil, who through a lifetime of necessity, is great at reading body language. Neil raises an arm and the Original Foxes all watch as Kevin slots himself into the side hug from Neil. They watch as Kevin is saying something to Neil, likely his issue with the new Striker, and even more likely in rapid French if the confusion on the Backliner’s faces means anything.

Andrew and the rest of the nosy upperclassmen watch as Kevin’s shoulders relax rapidly as he soaks up Neil’s casual comfort. Watch as Kevin seemingly regains his composure now that he’s gotten a hug and the opportunity to vent. Watch as Kevin knocks his helmet against Neil’s once before heading back to the Freshmen he had left behind.

Dan calls an end to practice not too long after but Kevin, Neil, and the new freshmen striker subs stay behind to try the drill one last time.

Andrew is impressed that Allison managed to wait until they were out of earshot before she spoke up, “You mean to tell me, that this entire time, the ticket to getting Kevin Day to stop being such a little bitch was just to have someone give him a damn hug?!” Allison shrieks in exasperation. “I would have been BEAR hugging him since he first came here if that was all it took!” she clutches at her hair.

“Allison, I’m sure it’s more complicated than that.” Renee admonishes.

“No, I think Kevin just actually really needed a hug this whole time.” Matt nods in agreement with Allison, “I mean, haven’t we all noticed how much better practice has gone since Kevin started going to get hugged?” he looks at the rest of them.

“Well, I offer to hug him all the time and he always says ‘no’, so that can’t be it,” Nicky says with a huff as he crosses his arms.

“Well, maybe it’s just because it’s Neil? I think if any of the rest of us gave him a hug he’d probably throw an elbow.” Dan says before her eyes fall on Andrew, “Except maybe Andrew, but I don’t think he’d calm down if Andrew was hugging him. He'd just freeze up in terror.” Dan adds.

Andrew shrugs, she’s not wrong.

“Kevin goes to Neil for the hug, Neil doesn’t just grab him.” Renee clarifies, “They’re good friends, it’s natural for Kevin to want friendly touches from his friend.” Renee reminds them.

“But aren’t all the Monsters his friends?” Allison gestures towards Aaron, Andrew, and Nicky, “If he just needed a friend hug then they’ve been friends with him way longer than Neil has.” She says.

“You could not pay me to hug Kevin when he’s being an ass or in general.” Aaron says cutting off that line of thought immediately, “You couldn’t pay Kevin to accept one of Nicky’s ‘hugs’.” He says the last word with air quotes.

“You squeeze someone’s ass ONE time-!”

“You already said that Andrew hugging him wouldn’t calm him down and the only person that Andrew’s touching at all like that is Josten.” Aaron continues to list off despite Nicky’s outburst and Andrew rolls his eyes but again doesn’t dispute what’s been said.

Aaron’s not wrong.

“That’s sad man.” Matt says looking back towards the court, “Maybe I’ll see if Kevin wants some hugs from me too.” Matt says and Andrew has to endure the sight of Dan Wilds going a little mushy at her sweet boyfriend.

“You can always offer,” Renee says with a smile.

They separate into their locker rooms and Aaron looks at him, “Does it bother you that Kevin’s been all over Josten lately?” he asks.

“No.” because it doesn’t, not now that he knows why Kevin has been doing it and how Neil views it as completely platonic.

A part of him is bothered that he’s not able to touch Neil the same way that Kevin can, he’s not comfortable with PDA still and Neil is okay with that. Still, it bothers him slightly to see that Kevin can hug Andrew’s boyfriend so publicly when Andrew himself still struggles with others being able to see.

“Are you sure? Kevin Day is a fine piece of ass.” Nicky adds, as unhelpful as ever.

“Hey, Neil would never cheat on Andrew,” Matt says defending his friend’s honor. “Besides, he only swings for Andrew. Neil had that whole binder of Kevin stuff and Andrew’s still the one that Neil fell for. Kevin doesn’t stand a chance.” He says.

Matt Boyd has his uses.

“Besides, Neil’s a back-and-shoulders guy. Last week when we were hanging out watching movies, he got wine drunk and talked about Andrew’s for like fifteen minutes before he fell asleep.” Matt adds with a wry grin, “Better not skip weight day Andrew or I’ll steal your man.” He jokingly threatens as he flexes his own shoulders and back.

Andrew will need to kill Matt Boyd.

***

Andrew has a strange sort of almost respect for Allison Reynolds.

She’s a bitch. For the most part, her barbs towards Andrew and the majority of the Monsters are well-earned and he doesn’t really care as long as she keeps her hands to herself. She needs to know about everyone’s business even when she’s not entitled to it. She has excellent taste in make-up and fashion. She makes bets on very personal and private things.

The first thing that earns her that strange sort of respect is the degree to which she adores Neil.

Allison would be right next to Andrew setting the whole world on fire and watching it burn to cinders if anything happened to Neil. Allison is all soft hands, soft words, and good intentions in Neil's direction. Then she’ll rip a reporter verbally in half if they ask something about Neil’s scars or call him Nathaniel.

She still bets on their relationship but the bets she makes about Neil are far more teasing than the vicious ones she’ll make about the rest of the Monsters, the newbies, or her fellow upperclassmen (aside from Renee).

Allison comes into their dorm unannounced nearly two weeks before the Fall Banquet. Neil gets that Rabbity look when she mentions that he will need a new suit.

The second thing that earns her that strange sort of respect is that she regularly drags Neil off to go shop and brings him back with clothes that make it hard for Andrew to look away from his Junkie.

“Can’t I just wear the suit that I wore last year?” Neil pleads.

“Absolutely not. First of all, it won’t fit you anymore.” Allison says arms crossed and chest puffed.

“I haven’t grown an inch, Allison,” Neil responds with a petulant frown.

“You haven’t grown but you’ve filled out,” Allison says back and Andrew’s mind flashes to Neil of last year at this time.

He doesn’t think about a night they spent together in a fancy hotel during their month-long trip.

Andrew had been just a little tipsy. High off of Neil’s trust in him and how Neil had said that Andrew could ask him anything. Andrew had gotten plenty of answers that both mattered and didn’t. Neil was drifting off to sleep as Andrew stroked his back. Andrew asked a question that he hadn’t been ready to hear the answer to.

“What was the worst part about Millport?” Andrew had asked and moved his hand from Neil’s back to his cheek.

Neil had been drunk, sleepy, and happy. He’d answered Andrew’s innocuous question without hesitation or thought.

“The hunger," Neil says without even thinking about it as if the answer was obvious. "Think I’d’ve starved to death if you guys ‘adn’t come…’f I had no’ere to go during summer.” Neil had answered leaning against Andrew like Andrew hadn’t stiffened, “Ate garbage a lot. Kept making me sick though…but if I ‘nt go to school then no lunch…’m so happy I came to ‘metto.” He had added before drifting off to sleep.

Andrew had crashed down to cruel and awful earth at the unexpected answer. All sleepiness gone from his bones and mind he'd spent the rest of the night awake holding Neil tight and running his hands along Neil’s ribs. His mind was full of drug-hazed images of Neil from a year ago. Brittle hair, dim and sunken eyes, hollow cheeks, baggy clothes hiding painfully thin limbs, and Andrew still remembers how Neil’s ribs had felt under his hand when Neil had offered his scars.

He doesn’t know how he had felt Neil’s protruding ribs beneath those scars and had still put the weight of his promises onto still too-thin shoulders. He doesn’t know how even back then and, in his drug-induced haze he knew that Neil would bear that weight without complaint. That Neil had been a liar but that he'd never make Andrew into one.

When morning struck Neil was still asleep and Andrew had gone down to a convenience store and bought a large bag of snacks and put them in the Maserati.

Andrew replenished that stash of snacks frequently and often found himself pushing something into Neil’s hands to make his Junkie eat something, to get him in the habit of eating. It’d been after that talk that Neil didn’t even remember that Andrew had started enforcing at least two full meals a day.

Neil still always ate everything on his plate, but the healing showed in how he now complained about the parts of the dish he didn’t like.

“Second of all,” Allison continues unaware of the path Andrew’s thoughts had taken him down, “I can do much better now that I have your real coloring Baby Fox.” She says fingers carding through Neil’s auburn red hair.

“Black is-“

“Not the color I’m going to put you in this time, Baby Fox.” She purrs, “Third of all,” she continues, “The material on your old dress shirt and suit jacket would irritate the burns on your arms.” She says and at that Neil stops his protesting.

“Wait, really?” he asks.

“Yeah, I gotta get you something that won’t make these hurt.” She says and now her hands trail along Neil’s arms because Neil only really wore his armbands when people outside of his family might see the scars. “Last but not least,” Allison cups his face, “if you’re so determined to go back there then you have to let me put you in the best armor I can.” She says.

“Armor?” Neil questions and even Andrew raises a brow at the term.

“People know what happened to you the last time you were in Binghamton Neil. It was national news, it wasn’t that long ago, and your scars are still fresh.” Allison says and Andrew feels his hackles rise as Neil goes tense. “You’re choosing to go back there; people are going to take pictures. I want you to look so good that anyone who says anything bad about how you look must be blind.  I want everyone who sees you that night to see you and think ‘He didn’t just survive, he’s thriving’.” She says and her smile is all teeth.

Andrew can see the way that Neil melts into Allison’s hands a little, there’s hardly any resistance to be had with that being her closing argument.

Still, Andrew almost argues the third point because Neil is arrestingly attractive at all times, and it doesn’t really matter what he’s wearing. He almost opens his mouth to argue but then stops.

Bee’s been working with him on indulging his wants beyond ice cream and sweets.

“Even if you don’t really care what you look like, you don’t want those scars to hurt while you’re there,” Andrew says deciding to throw in his two cents because he wants to see what Allison could do to improve upon the near perfection that was Neill Josten in his base state.

He could admit that there was a part of him (very small but unfortunately, just like Andrew himself, very powerful) that wants to show Neil off.

Neil has yet to make it out of a coffee shop without a phone number written on his cup, has yet to make it through an evening at Eden’s without someone propositioning him for a good time, and on one notable occasion caused an actual honest-to-goodness car accident when someone got distracted as he ran by in the too-short running shorts that Nicky had bought him as a joke.

Neil is, indisputably, one of Palmetto State University’s campus heartthrobs.

And Andrew has that guy’s undivided attention.

That same guy who spent a couple of minutes looking at the weird equation on the overly sweet coffee he had been picking up for Andrew in the morning wondering if the Barista knew that he was a math major. That same guy who frowned at everyone who offered him a good time and the guy who told them it was impossible for him to have a good time at Eden’s because he doesn’t really like the club but comes because his partner likes the alcohol. That same guy who had called Andrew to come pick him up because he'd twisted his ankle diving out of the way of a car that had almost hit him before it slammed into a fire hydrant.

All that and Neil was usually dressed like a homeless person or a jock (except at Eden’s where Andrew dressed him).

“Okay, I’ll go shopping with you.” Neil agrees, “Thank you for helping me out.” He adds.

Allison smiles at him and pats his cheek, “Of course Baby Fox. Thanks for agreeing to come with me.” She says and Neil goes stiff for a moment. Andrew is ready to pull Allison away if her touching is making Neil uncomfortable.

Then he stops because Neil grabs both of Allison’s hands in his own.

“I’ll let you do whatever you want to my looks, and we can go to that Yoghurt place you like after, my treat.” Neil insists and Andrew blinks.

Allison smiles and wraps her arms around Neil in a tight hug, “That sounds great Neil. I’ll pick you up after class tomorrow.” She promises and then she’s gone.

Neil watches her go and Andrew doesn’t bother trying to stop his curiosity, “What was that?” he asks and it’s nice to not need to elaborate.

“Seth died a year ago tomorrow,” Neil answers back and he also does not need to elaborate.

If playing dress-up doll with Neil would make Allison feel better, then Andrew knew that Neil would stomach literally anything to make the day a little easier for her. It’s the sort of selfless thing that Neil does for the other foxes.

“No, but Kevin will need the support,”

Neil’s words from the hotel room echo in his mind. Another sacrifice. Another chunk of himself is willingly given to someone he loves.

He pulls Neil down onto the couch and spends the evening making constellations out of Neil’s freckles. He doesn’t think about the chunks Neil has given him. Doesn’t think that Neil has sacrificed more for him than anyone else.

His stupid Martyr.

***

Kevin went with Allison and Neil to the mall.

The older girl had frowned at his inclusion but had preened when Kevin had said “I trust your opinion on these things more than anyone else.” She only actually accepts when he adds, “I just need your opinion on the suit, I’ll head back on my own afterward.” He promises knowing that he was infringing on Neil and Allison’s time together.

“Don’t you already have a perfectly good suit?” Andrew asks with a brow raised.

“They’re…” Kevin swallows, “…with Riko’s memorial I don’t want to wear black.” Kevin says.

He doesn’t say that he doesn’t want people to think he’s still mourning Riko Moriyama. He doesn't say whether or not he is still mourning Riko Moriyama.

Andrew hears it anyways.

“Something in cream would probably be good.” Allison muses and Andrew doesn’t doubt that if Kevin had any paper in hand, he’d be rapidly writing down notes.

Allison doesn’t spend much more time in their dorm before loading Kevin and Neil up into her car and heading off to the mall to get them properly fitted and suited up.

Two hours later Kevin calls Andrew and requests a pick-up.

“I thought you were heading back on your own.”

“You want me to ride a public bus?”

Andrew lets him sweat it out for half an hour as he takes his time getting to the mall. When he gets there, he decides that if he’s had to come to pick up Kevin then the Queen of Exy was damn sure going to buy him something from Mrs. Fields or from Auntie Anne’s.

“Why didn’t you ask me to get it for you while I was waiting?!”

“It wouldn’t have been hot, and you wouldn’t have gotten what I wanted.”

He decides on a cookie cake slice (“Those aren’t even served hot!”) and sees Allison and Neil in the mall.

Andrew always likes to watch Neil in the wild.

Allison is leaning against Neil and they’re holding hands. To anyone else, it would look like they’re a couple.

Andrew can see how Allison is carefully blotting her eyes, how Neil holds himself rigidly, and how they’re sat outside of a shop Andrew remembers Seth got a lot of his sweatshirts from.

Nothing about the interaction pulls at him.

(Not like how seeing Neil and Kevin together had pulled at him.)

"Let's go," he says.

Kevin says nothing and follows.

***

Neil comes back with his hair the same and with a suit that Allison has decided she will keep custody of until the Banquet.

“She just wanted to ask her preferred stylist for his opinion. She wants it fresh for the banquet so she's going to do it herself at the hotel beforehand.” Neil explains.

The week leading up to the Fall Banquet passes by rapidly. Each Fox, aside from Kevin, tries at one point or another to convince Neil that he doesn’t need to go to Binghamton. Neil’s gaze always cast over to Kevin before saying that he would be fine. Wymack offers an out to Andrew just once, “If you say you don’t want to go, then Neil won’t go either.” Wymack had said.

There was no way to hang up on an in-person conversation, but Andrew likes to think the glare he gave Wymack worked as well.

If Neil wants to go to Binghamton, then Andrew will go with him to Binghamton. He will go and he will destroy anything that tries to take Neil from him again. Yakuza, family, security guards, Ravens, serial killers, or ghosts would meet their end if they laid a finger on Neil.

The bus ride over to their hotel was uneventful even if it was a long drive. The only fight had come when Wymack had announced that they would be spending the night at the hotel he’d booked. The freshmen didn’t really understand the issue all of the previous year’s Foxes had but every non-freshman Fox wanted to get in, stay the mandatory amount of time, and then get Neil the hell out of Binghamton and to Palmetto as quickly as possible.

Andrew felt better that he was not alone in his belief that the city itself could take Neil away from him again.

“The only way they were willing to let me book hotel rooms when they know we’re not staying for the weekend-long event is if we at least spent one night in them,” Wymack says.

“Why do we need a hotel room?” One of the more irritating Striker subs asks.

“None of us are going into those locker rooms until we absolutely have to,” Dan responds arms crossed.

Binghamton was hard on all of them.

They were all dealing with their anxiety in different ways.

They got to the hotel; card keys were handed out. Andrew, Kevin, and Neil were sharing a room, but Neil was dragged into the girls' room with Allison before he could do more than put his overnight bag down.

Kevin and Andrew get ready in silence.

Andrew changes into the same suit he wore last year while Kevin puts on a cream suit.

“Allison was right,” Kevin says.

Andrew gives a nod of approval. Kevin looks good in the color and the fit is nice too.

“Allison kept me separate from Neil, so I have no idea what she got him,” Kevin adds into the silence.

Andrew rolls his eyes; she would do something like a dramatic reveal.

They head down to the lobby to wait.

When Neil comes down with the girls Andrew wants to take back his eye-roll. Allison deserved a dramatic reveal for this.

Allison had gone above and beyond Andrew’s wildest imagination and Andrew, especially when he had been on court-ordered drugs, had imagined some pretty wild things in regard to Neil.

First, there was Neil’s suit.

The blue brought out all the best things about Neil’s coloring whether it be his skin, hair, or eyes. The thing that he appreciated the most about the suit was definitely the fit. It clung to Neil in all of the right places, and he could hear Nicky saying something, probably filthy, but Neil laughed so Andrew deemed it unimportant and returned to focusing all of his brainpower on Neil. He focused especially on how the suit pants showed off the absolute bubble perfection of Neil Josten’s ass.

Then there was Neil’s hair.

Allison had pulled off some sort of miracle. It shouldn’t be possible for Neil’s already sky-high attractiveness to grow exponentially with the sides of his head shaved and the hair on the top of his head tamed and teased. His cheekbones were pronounced without the mop of hair framing them, his forehead had never looked more kissable, and the sight of ears shouldn’t be so charming.

Finally, there were Neil’s eyes.

Allison was one of two people that Neil trusted with eyeliner. Not that Nicky or Renee wouldn’t do a great job but Neil did not react well to sharp things near his eyes (Another answer that night in the hotel, ‘Dad had a knife half a cent'mer away once. Show me how steady his ‘and was.’). Allison and Andrew had the steadiest hands and would never get distracted when they had something at Neil’s eye. The eyeliner was subtle but what it did for Neil’s eyes was anything but. Andrew felt like not only could he drown in Neil’s icy blues, but that he wanted to drown in them.

It should be illegal for one man to be so unabashedly and viscerally attractive.

“I think it’s some of my best work,” Allison says with pride that she absolutely deserves to have.

“It is.” Andrew agrees and Neil only gets more beautiful when he smiles and those god-forsaken dimples reappear.

Neil is so beautiful right now that Allison could slap Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron and Andrew would never know. Neil’s so beautiful right now that Allison could slap Andrew and Andrew would never know and even if he realized it he might just count it as payment rendered for how beautiful she had gotten Neil to look for tonight.

Keeping his eyes on Neil all night is going to be the easiest thing Andrew has ever done in his entire life.

***

The Binghamton Bearcats are playing dirty.

The Binghamton Bearcats know that the last time that Neil had been in their shitty stadium their dog shit security had led to Neil almost dying.

The Binghamton Bearcats absolutely remember that Andrew had been and is ready, willing, and able to tear apart their stupid fucking stadium if Neil were to disappear from his sight again.

These same bearcats have the audacity to seat the Foxes at the table closest to the dessert table.

The dessert table, which they are facing, has three chocolate fountains that are the same height as Andrew.

Andrew’s hand shoots out and grabs Neil’s hand when he sees the fountains for the first time, convinced that it’s a ploy. Someone in the planning committee knows that Andrew Minyard has sworn not to let Neil out of his sight and also knows that he has a sweet tooth the size of Alaska. Someone wants Andrew to pull his eyes away from Neil.

Neil’s laughter draws his gaze back and there are those damned dimples again. For a moment he forgets that the chocolate fountains exist until his brother exclaims, “Wow, three chocolate fountains? They even have an ice cream sundae station.”

Andrew is, once again, an only child in his heart.

Andrew has never once in his entire life felt more conflicted than he did at this moment. He needs to keep his eyes on Neil but also in his periphery he sees marshmallows and graham crackers. He sees someone standing behind an anti-griddle with a wide variety of possible mix-ins.

He spots vibrant red. He can keep his eyes on Neil while feeding him chocolate-covered strawberries, can’t he? He’d even dip them in dark chocolate just for Neil.

“Andrew, no one is stopping you from going over and raiding the dessert table,” Neil says and Andrew’s gaze snaps to Neil. There is no one in this world who is more self-destructive than Neil.

Another chunk offered in deference to Andrew’s sweet tooth of all things.

“No one would blame you if you went now, it looks amazing,” Neil says expression soft as he squeezes Andrew’s hand.

Amazing

Neil is not allowed to use that word while they’re here.

Not at all but especially not when he’s trying to send Andrew away, to have Andrew let go of his hand.

His resolve firms.

There will be other chocolate fountains, other anti-griddles, and other piles of pastry.

There is only one Neil Josten.

He grips Neil’s hand tight and pointedly sits as far away from the dessert table as he can manage. He keeps his eyes on Neil and there is nothing that the dessert table has that will be anywhere near as satisfying as getting Neil safely onto the bus in a few hours.

The Bearcat Captain comes over to Dan as the rest of the Foxes take their seats, Kevin settling on the other side of Neil. “We know it might be a little difficult for you all because of what happened here last time,” she says vaguely as if it wasn’t national news, “We just wanted to do something a little sweet for you guys.” She says and her eyes drift towards Neil.

Neil offers her a polite smile but it’s not real, there are no dimples.

Dan thanks the other female captain, the second in Class I, and the two start to talk about the various difficulties they face. Andrew tunes it out and returns his attention to where it will remain the rest of the night.

Dinner is nothing to write home about but it’s also not bad either. The ERC talks about the great loss of Riko Moriyama and doesn’t even mention Seth beyond “Other talents we lost last year.”

The Ravens from last year talk about how meaningful Riko was to them. Kevin remains seated despite the looks shot his way when the mic opens up and Neil puts his free arm around Kevin to look like he’s consoling him. Andrew hears them continue to whisper about how UT’s freshman backliner looks like they could plow through him.

Allison goes up and talks about Seth and makes no secret to how angry she is that they hadn’t even bothered to mention his death. The ERC officials look awkward and he can see one of them trying to find pictures of Seth to put up with the Riko montage.

It derails the memorial, and the grateful look Kevin sends Allison is waved away, “I didn’t do it for you Day.” She says.

Andrew tolerates listening to Neil and Kevin talk about Exy. He doesn’t respond to anything Kevin asks him and focuses on Neil’s cold hand in his. If he looks at Neil’s face he won’t see a thing out of place but at the state of his hands, Andrew knows what this support is costing Neil.

Sees the chewed-through nails, how his hands stiffen every time someone gets too close, the sweaty palms, and of course how no matter what Andrew tries no amount of warmth stays in Neil’s hands.

His Junkie’s body has every intention to run but Neil stays. Neil stays because Andrew had asked him to and because Kevin needs him to.

(Andrew also needs him to.)

Neil looks at him again, “I promise I’ll stay right here. I don’t know what Coach said to you, but you don’t actually need to guard me all night.” Neil squeezes his hand back as if Andrew were here glued to Neil under any authority other than his own. “Nicky said they have fudge brownies.” He says.

Andrew went cold turkey off of smoking because it made Neil flinch once.

Andrew can keep his eyes off of the dessert table of his dreams if it means he never has to stop the pipe dream of Neil Josten.

“We can go together.” Neil offers when he sees Andrew’s resolve grow firmer.

Together.

He looks at Neil, “Fine.” He agrees and Neil’s smile is full of dimples.

“Don’t go crazy. We’re still college athletes and you’re on a diet plan, Neil.” Kevin says frowning as they rose to head to the dessert table.

“I’m not,” Andrew says because Neil’s never liked sweets overly much, but Andrew is still determined to try and find something his Junkie likes. Andrew will get one of everything and Neil will get at least a bite of everything before Andrew finishes it. "We'll burn it off with the multiple walks over," he says to Kevin's great despair.

They make their way to the dessert table and Andrew does not let go of Neil’s hand so it’s a group effort to put the desserts on the plate. It’s three trips and Andrew has left the chocolate fountains for last.

Then Neil’s hand is no longer in his.

Andrew drops the marshmallow he’d been covering in dark chocolate into the fountain. Heart hammering in his chest and ready to destroy whatever it was that had Neil’s hand slip from his own.

He turns and Neil is next to Kevin, in front of them are some ERC officials with some Ravens nearby. Kevin looks pale but not scared as he looks at Neil.

Andrew makes his way towards the group, “…promised me that we’d dance.” Neil’s saying pulling Kevin up to his feet. “So sorry, Kevin won’t be able to dance with you guys,” Neil says and his smile is bereft of dimples but is convincing to those who don't know. The Ravens look sour, but the ERC officials look pleased.

“I hope you don’t mind if we take a few pictures. Just for the general publicity of the event.” One official says. “It will be good to show you’re both doing well after the events of last spring.” She says.

“That’s fine,” Kevin says with a shrug.

The ERC officials leave, and the Ravens look even more sour but apparently whatever ploy they had thought up hadn’t worked due to Neil’s swift intervention. They leave requesting that Kevin consider saving a dance for them, “Dance cards full for the evening. Sorry ‘bout that.” Neil shoos them away.

Kevin drops his head against Neil’s shoulder, “Thanks, they probably would have tried to smash my feet or my hands.” He says.

“No problem,” Neil says patting Kevin’s hair as he watches the Ravens make their way back to the table. Then his gaze comes back around, and he sees Andrew, “Hey Drew, sorry I saw Kev needed some help.” He explains and the dimples are back.

Andrew’s heart still feels like it’s hammering in his chest. He wants to grab Neil’s hand again but both of Neil’s hands are busy with the soothing of Kevin Day.

It bothers him.

“You should have said something.” Is what Andrew ends up saying.

You can’t do that to me, you can’t disappear while we’re here. Is what he doesn’t say.

Binghamton was hard on Andrew too.

“I know, sorry I just saw them surrounding Kevin and I acted before I thought about it,” Neil says and that would describe 70-80% of all Neil Josten decisions.

“Well, now you’ve gotta dance with Kevin Day when he hasn’t had a drop of alcohol. I think that’ll be punishment enough.” Andrew says but his stomach twists at the thought of Neil remaining outside of easy-reaching distance. He looks at the dancefloor and sees a throng of bodies.

Andrew knows his limits well enough to know that if he goes with Neil and Kevin into that he will stab someone.

But Neil came here to watch Kevin’s back.

He reaches out and wraps his hand around the back of Neil’s neck and feels how Neil melts into the touch, “Stay to the outside of the dancing. I want to be able to see you.” Andrew says.

“Of course, gotta give the ERC the pictures they want.” Neil agrees.

They make their way to the dance floor.

Andrew sits with his three plates of dessert and eats none of them. His stomach protests at the thought of eating them before Neil has a bite.

His eyes are fixed on Neil and Kevin as the two of them dance.

Neil never went out on the dance floor at Eden’s aside from that first time and that also had not been by choice. However, Neil is a social chameleon through his years and years of fitting in with any crowd so that he did not stick out from the herd. A combination of quick learning and athleticism has Neil dipping a laughing Kevin Day for the ERC photographer.

Andrew can see Neil’s dimples and knows that he’s having fun.

They come back 20 minutes later and they’re out of breath and laughing. Half the room had been mesmerized by the two together. Both had the unfair advantage of having been dressed by Allison Reynolds and the equally unfair advantage of being handsome.

They had looked good together.

It bothers him.

Neil reclaims his seat next to Andrew and when Andrew takes his hand again it’s finally warm.

It bothers him.

Andrew wants to take Neil back out onto the dancefloor, back somewhere that he had been having fun. Somewhere that he forgot where he was. Andrew wants to dip Neil.

He looks at the growing number of people on the dancefloor.

It wouldn’t end well.

It bothers him.

Nicky comes by and claims Kevin’s next dance with the excuse that they have to keep Kevin dancing all night to keep the Ravens away. Each of the Foxes drag Kevin out to the dance floor whenever a Raven got too close.

All of the Foxes except Andrew.

Andrew spends the rest of their enforced time at the Banquet feeding Neil a bite of every one of the desserts they’d gotten. Neil doesn’t like most of them and Andrew eats the rest after Neil’s initial nibble, but Neil does like the Key Lime Pie tartlets and the strawberry shortcake in a jar. The only thing he doesn’t feed Neil first is the ice cream which is mostly melted into a soup full of gummy bears and Oreos now.

Andrew doesn’t get up to fill a fourth plate with chocolate-covered desserts no matter how many times Neil offers. The memory of Neil's hand leaving his own is too potent.

Wymack calls an end to the night after a Jackal punches out a Raven.

Glad for once that his group was not the source of a night ending early he doesn't want to chance his luck. Andrew is dying for a bathroom break and now Renee is nearby having returned from where she'd danced with Kevin and Jean. She takes custody of Neil’s protection for the agonizing five minutes it takes Andrew to run to the bathroom, pee, and come back.

Neil is right where he left him. When Andrew offers his hand to help him stand, he takes it. His hand is cold but then again, so is Andrew’s.

He grips Neil’s hand so tightly as they walk out of the Bearcat stadium that it must hurt but his Martyr says nothing.

For the first time, Neil makes it safely out of the Bearcat Stadium and into the Fox’s Bus.

Andrew lets out an inhale he’d been holding since his phone had vibrated off a hotel bedside table.

They take a seat at the back of the bus. There is no riot, no fists, and no need to go to the hospital. Neil is safe, and his sweaty cold hand is in Andrew’s.

The bus starts and they’re on their way.

***

They get back to the hotel and make their way to the room. They all take their turns getting ready for bed but before Neil goes to take his turn after Kevin has finished with his time in the bathroom, he hands him a small takeout container that he had in his suit jacket. “Here, I grabbed you some stuff when you were in the bathroom.” He says handing him the box.

Neil is in the bathroom before he can ask anything back.

He opens the box and finds chocolate-covered marshmallows, pretzels, graham crackers, and strawberries crowding the small container.

By the time Neil comes back out Kevin is fully passed out in one of the beds.

“Yes or no going up to the roof?” he asks because Andrew has not met a hotel security system he can’t bypass, especially when armed with Neil “With that lock? They want me up here” Josten.

Neil blinks, “Yes.” He says and Andrew nods and goes to change out of his suit before coming back out. They take their keys, the takeout container, a spare blanket from the closet, and their jackets and head up to the roof.

Neil disengages the alarm and opens the door without a whisper of trouble. They look out over the city; their hotel is near one of the rivers. A part of him aches for a smoke but the need dwindles into nothing as he looks at how the city lights reflect in Neil’s eyes.

They lay out the blanket and take a seat on the cold and empty roof.

Andrew holds up a chocolate-covered strawberry to Neil.

“I got them for you,” Neil says.

“I want you to eat it.” Andrew returns.

Neil gives him that dopey look that makes Andrew know he’s being indulged but decides not to care. It’s hard to when Neil opens his mouth and Andrew gets to hand feed him a strawberry.

Neil chews and swallows.

“Yes or no?” he asks wiping chocolate from Neil’s lip with his thumb.

“Yes,” Neil responds.

He kisses Neil and thinks that he could live his life happily only tasting desserts through Neil’s mouth.

Andrew doesn’t have Neil try bites of the other chocolate-covered treats he’d brought. He does feed two of the remaining three strawberries to Neil and only doesn’t feed the final strawberry to Neil when Neil insists that he has to eat at least one.

They finish off the pilfered sweets.

“Thank you,” Neil says as they stare up at the night sky together. “For staying close. I was…was scared.” Neil admits finally.

“I know,” Andrew says and doesn’t admit that he’d been scared too.

“I’m sorry, I scared you when I went to help Kevin.” Neil apologizes.

Andrew had been scared all night, but that moment had been terror.

“You don’t have to apologize.” He keeps his eyes on the moon. “You didn’t go far this time.” He says.

There was silence for a long time as they lay there. It was comfortable. It was familiar.

Andrew feels like offering a different truth.

“I wanted to dance with you.” He says, “Just not with that crowd.” He adds.

“We can dance right now.” Neil offers and Andrew turns to find ice-blue eyes looking at him.

They could dance right now.

***

Two hours later Neil pulls a muscle in his cheek from smiling. Andrew has successfully dipped Neil twice and unsuccessfully once. Neil re-engages the alarm to the roof, and they make their way back down to their room.

Kevin’s snores fill the space but it’s something both of them are used to sleeping through. They take a shower together and do nothing more than kiss lazily under the spray as Neil rinses off and Andrew properly showers.

They crawl into bed together and Andrew holds Neil close, sure that the weight of Neil and the feel of his scars under Andrew’s fingertips will keep the demons of Binghamton away. The city won't take Neil away from him.

They fall asleep curled together.

Chapter Text

The photos of Neil and Kevin dancing at the Fall Banquet make their rounds immediately.

A reporter comes up and asks Neil if he and Kevin are dating while Neil is sitting with Andrew. “I don’t have the patience required to date Kevin Day.” Neil says it so scathingly that none of the other reporters could even come close.

Kevin’s response is far more diplomatic, “Neil is one of my best friends. He’s been there for me a lot since last year and especially after Riko’s suicide. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t paint my interactions with him as anything other than platonic.” He’d said in an official statement that has reporters lingering still.

The sharks seem to smell blood in the water for this particular story.

Andrew can't necessarily blame them as he watches the two Strikers interact.

Kevin and Neil remain very publicly affectionate with one another. Kevin’s arm sometimes seems superglued around Neil’s shoulders. Kevin seems oblivious to the fact that his own actions are what feed the rumor mill, but no one wants to have Kevin deprive himself of the touch again. Still, it takes everything in Andrew's great reserve of self-restraint to not slap Kevin upside the head when he vocally wonders why they all think he's dating Neil as he rests his chin on Neil's shoulder.

It goes on for a month but the most they get is what any athlete would see and call normal skinship. The story dies out and Andrew is glad for it.

He had missed being able to hold Neil's hand in public.

***

Kevin and Neil come into the locker room with Kevin’s arm around Neil’s shoulders as the two speak in rapid French. They are both smiling so Andrew is content to let it be until Kevin, with an ungloved hand, pokes Neil’s cheek with force and right on one of his Baltimore scars. Andrew is immediately on alert for any signs that Neil will run when he flinches bodily at the touch.

Kevin goes still his finger still pressed into Neil's cheek before he carefully pulls it away.

Neil blinks and seemingly comes back to himself in a little under two seconds, “Kev?” he asks noticing how Kevin had gone completely still.

“Did…that hurt?” he asks eyes wide.

“Uh…yeah a little?” Neil answers.

“Oh,” Kevin looks unsure and removes his arm from Neil’s shoulders, “I’m sorry.” He apologizes.

Neil smiles, “It’s fine Kev. See you tonight for practice?” he asks.

Kevin offers an awkward smile back, “Yeah, I’ll see you tonight.” He says.

Neil heads off to go shower and change out of sight of the rest of them. Andrew sees how Kevin watches him go as he flexes the hand that had poked one of Neil’s sore spots.

“I’m not going to filet you just because you accidentally poked him there. Just don’t do it again.” Andrew says. He knows that Neil doesn’t like to think about the scars on his face and any attention or pain felt there tends to end poorly. Neil had told him that they hurt sometimes and knows that the one that had reopened over the summer was still tender.

“Oh, no, I didn’t think you were going to,” Kevin says his brain still seemingly stuck on something as he got out of his uniform and heads back towards the showers with his toiletries, change of clothes, and a towel.

Andrew watches him go wondering what is on the other Striker’s mind before deeming it largely unimportant. He continues to get ready for his own day of class until Neil tries to rush out of the locker room with still-wet hair to get to his Applied Mathematics class early to discuss something with the professor.

Andrew grabs him by the scruff, sits him on the bench, and takes his own towel to dry off Neil’s hair until it’s merely damp instead of dripping.

“I’m not dealing with you having a runny nose because you caught a cold.” Andrew huffs even knowing that he’d deal with Neil’s runny nose without complaint.

Neil smiles, "Yes or no?" he asks and Andrew nods his agreement so Neil kisses him on the corner of his mouth.

He’s running off before Andrew can deepen it.

He turns and sees Kevin toting Neil’s shower supplies that the Junkie had obviously left in his haste. “He asked me to put this in his locker, do you know the code?” Kevin asks as he looks down at the three bottles that were the culmination of a months-long campaign for Andrew.

When Neil had come back from their road trip one of the first things he tried to do was go and purchase the 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, and body wash that Andrew had thrown away two days into their trip.

Allison and Nicky had been with him when he’d tried and had steadfastly refused to let him walk out of the store with them. Allison and Nicky had claimed that they’d pulled all the weight in Neil's acquiescence to using 'specialized' products by threatening to set fire to any 3-in-1 they found, but they were wrong.

This was Andrew's victory. This was his final project for his Behavioral Psychology class even if he'd turned in a completely different paper to his professor over the summer.

"I don't want to keep stealing yours." Neil had said when he'd returned needing a shower but without his 3-in-1. Andrew had been the one to take him back to the store and had helped him pick out what he needed for his hair. Andrew had been the one that had gone down the aisle and smelled all the body washes before checking the ingredients on the four he liked the smell of the most. Months of scrubbing shampoo into sweaty and dirty hair and noting that his hair looked healthier. Months of purposefully running his hands through Neil’s conditioner-softened hair and giving Neil a slight nod. Months of burying his nose into Neil’s neck, breathing deeply, and letting out a long sigh at the smell of how Neil’s body wash mingled nicely with Neil's natural scent.

The things Andrew was willing to do for Neil.

He’d gotten sidetracked.

“Yeah,” he answers and heads over to Neil’s locker. With a few quick twists, it opens and Kevin can deposit everything.

Kevin looks into Neil’s locker for longer than it should take for him to deposit the bottles. Even longer than it would take for him to organize the three bottles in some inane, but very on-brand for Kevin Day, way.

"Problem?” he asks brow raised.

Kevin startles, “No, just…” Kevin looks again before shutting the locker and spinning the lock, “I’m going to go talk to Abby, head out without me.” He says and goes off without any further discussion on what had been so interesting about what was in Neil’s locker.

Andrew shrugs it off and they all load into his car to head to the tower to start their days.

***

Something has changed.

Andrew has noticed something new.

He’s noticed that Kevin’s gaze follows Neil wherever Neil goes nowadays. His eyes take in how Neil moves when he’s practicing, when he’s running, when he’s lifting, and especially when he’s stretching. Andrew feels an uncomfortable swirl of possessiveness fill him as he sees Kevin look at Neil so blatantly.

He could almost make the excuse that Kevin, the Exy-obsessed idiot, is only looking at Neil’s form. Looking for anything that he needs to correct or any signs that Neil’s pulled something and is playing through it. He could almost convince himself that Kevin’s gaze is purely clinical.

If it stopped outside the court.

Kevin’s gaze is on Neil when Neil runs up the stairs ahead of them, unable to not take the steps three at a time. Kevin’s gaze is on Neil walking around their dorm after coming back from his morning run, his shirt sticking to his chest, shorts clinging to his ass, and nipples covered by Band-Aids that are Andrew’s to peel off. Kevin’s gaze is on Neil when Neil is playing video games with Aaron and Nicky.

Even Kevin wouldn’t bother correcting Neil’s Mario Kart form since Kevin is the only one who is worse at the game than Neil.

Of course, Neil does not notice this gaze. Neil hadn’t realized that Andrew was interested in him at all until Andrew had flat-out offered to blow him. Even then it’d taken weeks, Binghamton and Baltimore for him to understand that he meant anything to Andrew at all. Andrew could, to himself, admit that Binghamton was when he had accepted that Neil was not and had never been Nothing.

So, Kevin’s gaze, far far too much like his own had been when the handsome mysterious freshman had first showed up, goes completely unnoticed. Neil continues to touch Kevin casually and to be touched by Kevin casually without a hint of caution.

Andrew grits his teeth and decides to wait until he’s alone with Nel. There might be something like last time to explain Kevin’s sudden brazen gaze.

He waits until he has Neil alone and under him. They’re kissing on the couch with Kevin safely out of the suite for the next 4 hours in classes while both of them have coordinated their schedules to allow for this time every Wednesday. Andrew grinds down against Neil and Neil moans into his mouth, his hands gripping Andrew’s hair, exactly where he wants them.

They’re both pleasantly aroused, and Andrew almost feels bad that he’s about to ruin the warm syrupy mood that they’re in.

“Have you noticed how Kevin’s been looking at you recently?” he asks and can feel the mood plummet at the mention of their roommate.

Neil takes a moment for his brain to articulate something that wasn’t ‘yes’, ’more’, or ‘so good Drew’.

“He’s just been checking out my form. He’s always done that.” Neil answers and kisses Andrew’s jaw trying to urge Andrew to continue his previous movements.

“I don’t think he’s checking out your form when you’re playing Mario Kart with Aaron,” Andrew says running his hand along Neil’s side and is pleased that he can't count each rib through Neil's shirt. He lets his fingers tug at the hem of Neil’s shirt, an unspoken request to move his hand under it and onto Neil’s skin.

“Maybe he’s trying to figure out a good time to ask me about something?” Neil offers as he nods at Andrew’s unspoken question. Neil sighs as Andrew’s hand runs along his bare skin. Andrew luxuriates in the feeling of Neil’s scars, rough, jagged, and unmistakably Neil, under his fingertips. “He’s been talking to Abby a lot recently.” Neil groans as Andrew's thumb circles around his nipple.

“You are sure he isn’t checking you out?” Andrew asks and it’s a question that makes him feel vulnerable, but he likes that he can trust Neil with this vulnerable side of him as well.

Neil lets out a huff of laughter, “No way. I’m sure.” Neil responds and Andrew can feel the way his chest vibrates as he dismisses the possibility of Kevin Day lusting after him.

“I’ll ask him,” Andrew says and kisses Neil’s neck right on two of his favorite moles. The two look like a vampire bite and Andrew enjoys the sounds Neil makes when he sucks and bites around them.

“N-no,” Neil breathes. Andrew goes stiff as his mouth and hands start to retreat, “I’ll talk to him about it, I’m sure it’s nothing, Drew.” Neil says and Andrew relaxes and remembers why they don’t usually have conversations like this when they’re making out or being otherwise intimate.

“Fine.” He says and renews his efforts to leave a nice visible mark for anyone (especially Kevin) to see that Andrew was the only one that Neil let touch him like this.

***

Andrew does not forget about this conversation with Neil about Kevin, it’s not in his nature or in his ability to forget things. It's just that other things end up shoving the conversation to the back of his mind.

The first of those things is his birthday.

Andrew had decided and made it clear to everyone that the only thing he wanted on his birthday was to spend the entire day alone with Neil. Nicky had not been particularly pleased but Aaron hadn't cared since his own plans involved spending his entire birthday with Katelyn. Andrew was lucky that he did not live with Nicky and had a significant other who would wake him up and drive him to a nice hotel before Nicky woke up. Neil had gotten them checked in and up into the, frankly, ridiculously nice bed and under the covers before the sun had risen. Andrew went back to sleep with his face smashed into Neil's neck and proceeded to sleep like a rock until 10 AM. He woke to find 20 texts from Aaron complaining that Nicky had woken him up early and commandeered half of his morning for 'family birthday breakfast'. He also had around 30 texts from Nicky complaining that Andrew had missed out on 'family birthday breakfast' with pictures of the slightly burnt waffles and a frowny face egg and bacon plate.

Andrew allowed himself a brief feeling of superiority over his brother at that moment.

He'd only sent one reply back to both before turning his phone off. To Aaron, it was just a picture of him and with Neil's messy red hair poking out from under the comforter in the frankly ridiculous bed with the caption 'Get a better significant other'. To Nicky, he sent a reminder that it was his birthday and he'd spend it how he wanted.

They order room service for breakfast and Andrew is tempted to twist the knife further on his brother as he looks at the pristine buttermilk stacks but decides that not sending a picture would be his gift to his brother this year.

“I want to give you your birthday gift before we do anything else,” Neil says looking anxious. Andrew doesn't necessarily know why because he didn't really care if Neil got him anything at all and figured the hotel and room service were more than enough as a gift.

He looks nervous as he hands over a sealed envelope.

Inside are six photos.

Six bodies.

Six bodies he knows.

He looks at Neil.

“I…I asked my uncle.” Neil says and Andrew is mollified that Neil hadn’t snuck out to California at any point or to Easthaven.

“They’re dead,” Andrew says.

“They’re dead,” Neil confirms.

"Good." Andrew accepts his gift and that there's no gift receipt.

Andrew takes in every last detail of each photo before they burn them in the sink with matches Neil had brought for that very purpose.

Andrew turns to Neil when they finish washing the ashes down the drain and kisses him within an inch of his damn life.

The rest of the day is spent with Andrew taking Neil apart with his mouth and hands, ordering room service, Neil bringing out a triple chocolate cake with whipped cream, and Neil hand feeding him every last bite of that cake.

It’s a shame none of the whipped cream made it onto the cake.

“I’ll bring more next year,” Neil promises breathlessly as Andrew finishes licking the last of it off of Neil’s heaving chest.

It's easily the best birthday that Andrew has ever had.

***

He still hasn't forgotten his conversation with Neil about Kevin but November is a bad month for Andrew.

The one-year anniversary of the last family dinner with Maria and Luther is easier knowing that they’re all dead but it’s still difficult. It’s been a year since Drake’s death and the one-year anniversary of the beginning of his stay at-

Neil is a constant at Andrew’s side during this time and Andrew hates how much comfort he takes from Neil just being there with him. Hates that for some reason it feels better to sleep curled around Neil than it does to sleep alone. Hates how Neil knows what he needs when Andrew doesn’t have the words and sometimes knows even before Andrew knows what he needs.

Andrew did not forget about his concerns about Kevin but with how little time the two are spending alone…Andrew can admit that it had become something he hadn’t been actively thinking about. Neil still offers Kevin the casual affection and touches that he’s seen before, but it doesn’t bother Andrew as much now that he knows that Neil knows. It doesn't bother him because Neil hardly looks away from Andrew.

Thanksgiving break is upon them.

They'd had a small Monsters Thanksgiving where they'd picked everything up from Boston Market and ate in Andrew, Neil, and Kevin's dorm room.

It'd been nice. Andrew knew that the holiday still felt cursed to everyone who had been in that house with Nicky's parents and Drake but they'd all still decided to come together and do something even if they each planned to spend the actual holiday apart.

Aaron is set to go with Katelyn for her family’s Thanksgiving, Nicky had left on Saturday night after their Monster Thanksgiving to Germany for Erik, and Kevin was going to spend the holiday with Wymack and Abby. Andrew was planning on spending the majority of the break laying around with Neil at the Columbia house eating the leftovers that Abby would undoubtedly shove onto them after they had Thanksgiving Lunch at her place.

Andrew feels like he's lightyears ahead of where he'd been a year ago.

Which is why it feels as if he’s been hit by a bullet train when he walks into their dorm after his last class of the week and hears what sounds like one of his worst nightmares coming from the bedroom.

He’d come back from his Monday afternoon class almost an hour earlier than usual since the class had just been a test that he’d been more than ready to take. Neil and Kevin were usually out in the living area watching an Exy game or studying but there was no one out there right now.

Instead, the door to their bedroom is closed and Andrew feels like he’s been dunked into the Antarctic with no chance to prepare when he hears Neil’s voice.

“Please, it really hurts.”

He was even less prepared to hear Kevin’s irritated voice to follow up.

“That’s because you’re so tight.”

His vision feels like it’s going black until he hears Neil’s pleading voice again.

“Kevin, stop, I don’t like this. It really hurts.”

Then his vision is red and the unbridled rage he feels at the sound of the bed frame creaking and skin hitting skin keeps him from blacking out.

“No, c’mon Neil. It’ll feel better if you would just relax.”

Andrew has a knife in his hand and he’s going to murder Kevin Day with it. He drops his bag at the door and doesn’t bother to lock it, his only thought is that Kevin is hurting Neil. Neil doesn’t like whatever Kevin is doing. Neil had said please. Neil had asked Kevin to stop.

Kevin had said no.

Andrew had let Kevin continue to touch Neil because Neil had trusted Kevin. Neil, the guy couldn’t pick up that Andrew had been hitting on him most of last year until Andrew had literally offered to blow him.

Why in the world had Andrew trusted that Neil would be able to recognize when someone was lusting after him? He hadn’t noticed any of Andrew’s less-than-subtle attempts at flirting.

Andrew slams the door open and prepares himself for whatever nightmare is contained within. The part of his mind that isn’t thinking about the exact mechanics of how he’ll dispose of Kevin Day’s body is thinking about what Neil will need after this.

He’ll need to bag up the clothes Neil was wearing and the sheets on whichever bed it’s happening on and give it to-

They just bought brand new bottles of Tylenol and Ibuprofen on their last grocery run, he’ll need to alternate between them for pain-

Andrew will need to make a list of foods to give to someone to run and buy, foods that will be less painful to pass after-

Whoever goes to get that can stop by Abby’s and maybe she’ll have the antibiotic cream, Andrew had thrown his away when he’d stopped-

How’s he going to stop Neil from going to practice? They were coming up on Thanksgiving break, but he has no doubt his Junkie would train five times as hard to keep his mind off of-

Nicky has that blanket that Neil always uses whenever it was available, Andrew’s sure he can borrow it to wrap Neil up until he feels-

They’ll need to change rooms; a two-person room looks different from the four-person room that they currently have so Neil won’t have to-

He needs to book an emergency session with Betsy, and needs to convince Neil to go because Andrew has no idea how to talk about how Kevin betrayed-

The door finishes slamming open and all of the thoughts that Andrew couldn’t let himself finish crash against the reality of what he’s seeing.

Neil and Kevin are sitting on Kevin’s bed, both are fully clothed and are looking at Andrew with wide eyes.

The only part of Neil that Kevin is touching is his arm. His hands are covered in a familiar-smelling white cream and his fingers are digging into one of Neil’s burn scars from Lola.

His heart hammers in his chest because, suddenly, there’s no need to kill Kevin Day. He doesn’t need to do any of the things he’d been making a list to do.

There’s nowhere for all the adrenaline in his body to go.

The knife slips from his fingers and clatters to the ground.

Neil rises up from the bed and his arm slips free of Kevin’s hold.

Andrew’s eyes track Neil’s movements. He’s not walking funny, there’s no hint of blood in the air or on the clothes that Andrew had last seen him wearing that morning, and Kevin is looking at Andrew with concern instead of fear.

“Drew, what’s wrong?” Neil asks and Andrew feels a desperate urge to grab him and run at the use of that nickname. There’s no fight to be had so flight becomes the other option, except there’s no point in running. Nothing had happened to Neil and Kevin had not been doing any of what Andrew had feared.

Neil brings his hands up to Andrew’s face, silently asking for permission to touch his face and to try and comfort Andrew. Andrew closes his eyes and takes a deep breath; Neil’s hands smell like Kevin’s scar cream that Andrew used to rub into the Striker’s destroyed hand.

Andrew slumps forward, feeling very much like a puppet whose strings had been cut, bypassing Neil’s hands entirely. He buries his face into Neil’s shoulder and wraps his arms around Neil to hold him close. He had jumped to the worst conclusion and ran into the room like an idiot, but Andrew is so relieved to be an idiot, to be wrong.

He’s so relieved that he doesn’t have to kill Kevin.

He’s so relieved that he doesn’t need to bag up clothes and sheets to preserve evidence.

He’s so relieved that Neil won’t need the Tylenol or Ibuprofen that they just picked up to manage his pain.

He’s so relieved that Neil won’t need to eat the soft foods that will be less painful for him to pass.

He’s so relieved that he won’t have to teach Neil how best to apply the antibiotic cream or to apply it himself.

He’s so relieved that he doesn’t have to worry about Neil spiraling and that Neil can practice his little Junkie brain out during break if he wants.

He’s so relieved that he doesn’t have to wrap Neil up in soft blankets just so that Neil could possibly feel safe again.

He’s so relieved they don’t need to change rooms.

He’s so relieved that this won’t be what forces the issue of getting Neil to go to therapy, that Neil can still be talked around to it instead of forcing him there.

“Drew, did you have a bad day?” Neil asks and his hands are stroking Andrew’s hair and holding him around the shoulders, two almost always safe places for Andrew. A yes until Andrew says no.

Andrew shakes his head in the negative and takes another deep breath of Neil’s scent. He doesn’t know if he’ll sleep better tonight with Neil’s weight and scent in his arms or if he’ll need to be alone. He’d see how he feels closer to bedtime.

He takes a few more deep breaths of Neil’s scent. Not a hint of blood, just Neil's body wash and the medicinal scent of the scar cream that Kevin preferred.

“What…what were you two doing?” He asks after reluctantly pulling away from Neil’s shoulder but keeping one arm around Neil’s waist.

Neil flushes in embarrassment, “I want to preface this conversation by saying that I am notorious for not having a firm grasp on what is and isn’t normal. I had no idea that things were supposed to be a certain way and that I was not intentionally lying.” Neil says which is a great start to a conversation that Andrew is trying to use to calm his nerves.

“Neil has chronic pain,” Kevin says and Andrew blinks surprised by how bluntly it was stated before he looked over at Neil to see that the idiot was blushing in embarrassment. “No one ever showed him how to take care of his scars so they’re all tight and adhering. I’ve been watching him the last few weeks after I poked the scar on his face, it felt wrong and it shouldn’t have hurt like that. Everything he does hurts; he’s just used to it.” Kevin scowls but pointedly not at Neil.

“You’ve been in pain, this entire time?” Andrew asks and looks seriously at Neil. He tries to think of signs that he’d missed. Grimaces that he’d attributed to hard practices, winces he’d believed were a result of sore muscles, and stiffness that he’d attributed to Neil having slept wrong.

“I…I didn’t realize that I wasn’t supposed to just…always hurt?” Neil says and Andrew hates how believable that is. He knows how young Neil had been when he’d gotten some of his earliest scars. Neil likely has no memory of a time when his body wasn’t hurting from the result of some other person’s violence against him.

“So, Kevin is applying scar cream.” Andrew says looking at the other Striker, “I heard Neil earlier, why does it hurt? I helped you with your scars and it was just uncomfortable.” Andrew says eyes narrowing, “Neil has better pain tolerance than you do.” He adds.

“I was taking care of my hand at the time that the wounds were fresh still. There was no real chance for my scar tissue to get tight and adhere. Neil’s scars are old, tight, and adhering to tissue below it. It hurts because Neil wasn’t aware of any of the necessary or recommended care.” Kevin says scowling again, but again not at Neil.

“The uh…the FBI didn’t really give the doctors a lot of time to…” Neil starts before his sentence drifts awkwardly.

Andrew soothes the raised skin around Neil’s hip with his thumb.

“…the doctors didn’t really get a chance to give me post-care instructions.” Neil admits voice, “Maybe... maybe they thought that with all the other ones…I knew what to do by this point…” Neil trails off self-conscious about his lack of knowledge. Neil's lack of knowledge is more of an inditement of everyone who was supposed to take care of him than it is about Neil.

Next time that stupid Agent whoever called Andrew was taking the phone and giving him a piece of his damn mind. It didn’t matter what shape Neil was in, the FBI only cared that Nathaniel Wesninski could talk.

“Don’t make excuses for them.” Surprisingly it’s Kevin who hisses that at Neil before turning to Andrew, “Neil’s scars are all tight and it’s going to hurt like hell to break them up.” His gaze turns back to Neil but this time it’s infinitely softer, “I promise that you’ll feel better once it’s done and it will hurt a lot less if you would just relax.” Kevin says and his voice is pleading.

“I…I know it’s just…” Neil swallows, “…my mind goes back to when I got them when they hurt.” He admits in a small voice that Andrew loathes passionately.

Andrew lets the arm that had been rubbing comfortingly at Neil’s hip come to the back of Neil’s neck, “No one is blaming you for that reaction.” He’d been too panicked before, but Neil had been pale and sweating when he’d slammed the door open. Neil had pushed all of his own panic off to handle Andrew’s in an instant.

Neil’s shoulders relax as he massages the too-tense muscles in Neil’s neck. “What can we do so that you can relax?”

“Would it help if Andrew were here?” Kevin suggests.

Neil shakes his head in the negative and Andrew tries not to feel like he’s been slapped.

“I…you heard me, Kevin. If Andrew were here and he heard me…heard me beg you to stop it’d be bad.” Neil says.

Andrew should never assume malice when his Martyr is talking.

The problem is, Neil isn’t wrong.

There’s a knife on the floor that had been intended for Kevin’s throat when he heard Neil before.

This is not a pitfall that Andrew had ever considered to his strict adherence to Neil’s full and enthusiastic consent. A stop always meant stop. A ‘no’ always meant ‘no’. If Neil says ‘It hurts’, then Andrew has messed up and he has to do everything in his power to make it stop hurting.

Neil is in pain; Neil is hurting right now as he stands next to Andrew. He’s looking for the signs now and can see how Neil’s movements stutter ever so minutely when he moves. Neil’s body is saying ‘It hurts’ and Andrew has to do everything in his power to make it stop hurting.

Except, the only thing that will make it stop hurting in the long term was for Neil to hurt in the short term. It was pain that could be minimized if not outright fixed.

If Andrew was in the room to comfort Neil, he has no doubt that Neil would work himself into a panic attack trying not to trigger Andrew.

He racks his brain for a solution.

He can’t find any that let him hold Neil while Neil is saying ‘please’, ‘stop’, ‘don’t’, and ‘no’.

“I’ve held you down when you’ve tried running,” Andrew says and he hopes he doesn’t sound as desperate to Kevin and Neil as he feels. He hates when Neil’s trauma sends his Bunny running. Hates when Neil can’t see him and just feels hands stopping him from running. Neil usually calms quickly when Andrew speaks to him in Russian, when he realizes there’s no pain, and when Andrew holds Neil by the back of his neck. “I can hold you during this.” He insists.

“Andrew, I…” Neil looks desperately like he wants to say yes. Looks like he wants Andrew to comfort him while Kevin breaks up his scars.  Andrew can feel how unconsciously Neil is leaning against him and-

“For…for my arms I definitely can’t…I…I was pretty pathetic when I got them…” Neil says as if his begging for the torture to stop was something shameful, “I can’t do that to you Andrew. I’m saying No.” Neil says.

Andrew’s jaw clenches.

Neil’s desire for comfort will always be second to Neil’s Martyrdom.

A distant second when it comes to Andrew.

Andrew moves to pull away from Neil, but Neil’s hand catches his sweater, and Andrew stills.

“Can…you be there after? Can you help me after?” He asks and Andrew can almost see his stupid Rabbit thoughts swirling around in his Bunny's pretty little head. Can see how hard it is for Neil to ask to be taken care of.

“Yes,” Andrew answers and takes the hand clutching at his sweater. “If you change your mind about me being here, then you will let me know.” He says looking Neil in the eye.

Neil smiles at him so gratefully that Andrew wants to grab him again, pin him to Andrew’s chest and never let anything else hurt him again. He pulls Neil back into his hold, one hand in Neil’s hair and the other running along his back, a small part of him hoping that Neil will change his mind now.

He looks at Kevin instead, “How far did you get?” He asks over Neil’s shoulder.

“I’m just starting on his arms. They’re the most recent along with his face. I won’t be doing everything all at once. It’s going to take time and I…” Kevin swallows thickly, “I can only handle so much of it too.” When Andrew looks closer, he realizes how pale Kevin is, how he’s forcing himself so that the can help Neil. “We have this break to get started and then afterward it’s just maintenance. Maintenance shouldn’t hurt.” Kevin says firmly.

“Then I’ll do the maintenance,” Andrew says. He remembers helping Kevin with his scars and remembers the movements that had been needed.

“I’ll have to show you how to do the burns, it’s different from the…the cuts,” Kevin says.

“What about the gunshot scars or the punctures?” Andrew asks.

“Gunshots…punctures?” Kevin asks face growing increasingly pale.

“On my chest and back,” Neil answers and Andrew realizes that Kevin, despite everything, has not seen Neil shirtless yet. Andrew and Abby are the only two who have had that particular honor and Andrew was the only one who had been given the right to see.

“I…I’ll ask Abby, or I can see if there’s a video online or something,” Kevin says looking down at the tube of scar cream. Andrew thinks that he might take this time to go buy as much of the stuff as he possibly can. He remembers where Kevin had bought it from.

He’d charge it to the HSA card that Neil’s uncle kept topped up.

“You,” he points at Kevin, “will call me when you’re done.” Andrew squeezes Neil tighter and lets his nails scratch down Neil’s back in a way that always has Neil shudder. “Do not let him run.” He orders.

“I will call you and I will not let Neil run.” Kevin agrees.

Andrew works his jaw and presses one last kiss to Neil’s temple before he releases Neil. “I am going to leave. I won’t come back until you text me.” He says.

He looks at Neil and hopes again that Neil will ask him to stay. He knows he can't handle hearing Neil plead but he desperately wants to be there to provide what comfort he can.

“Thank you, Andrew,” Neil says voice tight and sounding far too much like another time that Neil had avoided his help. A different time that Neil had thanked him knowing that Andrew couldn’t help him, couldn’t protect him.

Andrew doesn’t say anything in response.

He grabs his keys and heads out the door.

He’s going to go buy a lifetime supply of scar cream.

***

45 minutes later finds Andrew sitting on the roof with bags and bags of scar cream, nicotine gum, and a bag of snacks that Neil liked. He didn’t know if Neil would be in a headspace to eat a full meal, but he could probably get Neil to eat fruit if he hand-fed him.

He’d almost crashed his car twice while driving. Once on the way there when his text alert had gone off and he’d fumbled to see what Kevin had sent only to see that it was Nicky texting a picture of himself and Erik drinking beers to the group chat. The second time is on his way back when again his phone text alert went off and he almost drove into oncoming traffic just to see Allison had responded to Nicky’s picture with a heart.

Andrew set Kevin’s text tone to something unique and ignored the group chat pings for the rest of his drive back.

Now, Andrew does not have a task and is alone with his thoughts.

He looks down from where he’s sat and doesn’t feel much of anything in the wake of the fear that he’d felt earlier. He’d rather never feel that sort of fear ever again in his entire life because if it ever came true then Andrew doesn’t know how he’d handle it.

He pushes past that thought to a different thought that upsets him slightly less.

Neil had been in pain this entire time and Andrew hadn’t noticed.

Kevin had noticed.

Kevin prodded Neil’s scar, felt the tight skin, had seen him flinch, and had known something wasn’t right.

Andrew had held Neil’s face in his hands countless times since Baltimore. Had let his thumbs memorize the feel of Neil’s scars, and had been comforted by something that was hurting Neil.

He can’t fall too far down that particular rabbit hole again before ‘God Save the Queen’ plays on his phone, and he has one quick look to confirm that it’s an all-clear before he’s gathering up the bags and sprints down the stairs.

He’s opening the door to their dorm in under two minutes.

He opens it and finds Kevin just outside of the bedroom. He’s pale and stressed out looking but he looks at Andrew before pointing toward the bedroom, “He’s…he needs you. I’m…I need to go.” He says and Kevin is out of their dorm before Andrew can even ask.

Andrew’s nerves were shot from the last hour of waiting. He’d essentially Doomsday prepped to try and feel like he was doing something useful to help Neil but without being able to be in this dorm to physically help Neil it was hell. Kevin’s frantic flight from their dorm is enough to push Andrew over the proverbial edge.

He drops the bags and rushes into their bedroom.

Neil is not anywhere he can see but he can hear Neil’s panicked breaths coming from Andrew’s bed. Andrew’s heart sinks as he realizes that Neil has crawled under Andrew’s bed. “Stop. Please let me go. You don’t need to do this. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.” He can hear Neil begging and Andrew drops to the ground and finds Neil curled there.

Even in the darkness under Andrew’s bed, he can see Neil’s eyes are dull and miles and miles away from the safety of their Palmetto dorm room. There are obvious tear tracks on his cheeks and Andrew has no idea how in the world Kevin managed to continue when Neil looks like this, but he thinks about how shaken Kevin had been.

Kevin had pushed through for Neil because he wanted to help Neil heal.

“Neil, I’m here.” He says and tries to crawl under the bed, but his shoulders and chest are too bulky. Neil’s slim runner’s body is already a tight fit and Andrew can’t help but fear that Neil crawled under the bed for safety only to feel like he’s back in the trunk with Lola. “Neil, I’m going to take care of you, just like I promised but I need you to take my hand.” He extends his hand as far as he can under the bed.

If Neil doesn’t take his hand, then Andrew will tear this room apart to get to Neil, but he wants Neil to take his hand.

Neil doesn’t respond for long and agonizing minutes only repeating his pleas to his dead tormentors as Andrew tries to coax his Bunny into taking his hand.

“Abram, you’re safe. I will take care of you.” He tries and there’s a flicker at the rarely used middle name that he’d given Andrew as the only real thing about him ages ago. He watches as that flicker brings light back to Neil’s eyes and he looks at Andrew for the first time since Andrew had left.

“Drew...?” Neil asks voice shaking with fear.

“Abram, you are safe, you are in our dorm in Palmetto, and nothing is going to hurt you here.” He promises, “Take my hand and let me take care of you like I promised I would.” He reaches just a tiny bit further, anything to make Neil’s reach ever so slightly easier.

Neil tentatively moved one of his arms before a full body flinch wracks the striker and he was aborting his reach. “I-I can’t.” Neil croaks withdrawing his hands.

“You can,” Andrew coaxes Neil and wiggles his fingers.

Neil looks like he so desperately wants to put his hand in Andrew’s, “You’ll pull my skin off,” Neil says tears falling down his cheeks. Andrew aches to wipe them away, “T-the burns…they’re uncovered…they’ll…they’ll stick a-and then-!”

“They won’t stick, your burns healed months ago, Bunny.” He says the nickname that had largely lived in Andrew’s head coming out.

Neil shakes his head, breath quickening in his renewed panic, “T-there’s no bandages…th-they’ll stick and I-it will hurt so much again. W-what if I can’t play anymore? Ichirou will have me killed.” He clenches his eyes shut.

“No one is going to kill you. Your arms are healed, I swear that it won’t hurt if you take my hand.” He says and he sees Neil’s hand shaking as his brain fights against him. “Do you trust me?” He asks.

Neil’s eyes shot to Andrew’s. “Always.” Neil croaks and with a deep breath, he reaches out and puts his hand in Andrew’s.

Andrew wraps his hand around Neil’s and carefully pulls his Bunny out from under the bed. Neil is scared and his eyes shoot for danger all around their room but he doesn’t try to escape, his trust in Andrew is solid enough to keep him from running.

Andrew gets Neil fully out from under the bed and carefully lifts him up onto the bed that Andrew had spent the last 10 minutes trying to get him out from under. Neil shakes and squeezes Andrew’s hand fearfully but Andrew merely climbs into the bed and carefully arranges Neil so that he is sitting in Andrew’s lap.

Neil’s body feels cold and rigid against his chest.

“Neil, I want to touch your arms, yes or no?” He asks and it feels a little dirty to ask Neil if he trusts him before asking for this, but Andrew will play dirty if it means helping Neil.

Neil’s breath hitches, “Y-yes.” Neil says and Andrew can hear the fear there, but he can also hear Neil’s trust.

Andrew wastes no time rewarding that trust as he strokes his hands along Neil’s shaking arms. He laces their fingers together and tries to push some warmth into Neil’s fear and pain-frozen hands. He brings his hands to Neil’s wrists and squeezes them gently knowing that Neil’s wrists are still a minefield. The scar cream makes Andrew’s hand glide easily as he strokes Neil’s shaking arms. Neil’s scars feel very slightly different under his fingers, and he understands now what Kevin had meant about them being tight.

They’re still uniquely Neil.

He’ll memorize them again.

“Does this hurt?” He asks against Neil’s ear and even with his light touch he can feel how tense Neil’s arms are. He squeezes the muscles of Neil’s forearm broadly, with no pinpoint pressure like Kevin’s treatment.

“N…No,” Neil whispers shuddering in Andrew’s lap. “Wh-why…it hurt so bad just…” Neil trails off.

“Your burns healed months ago.” He repeats, “You are here with me at Palmetto State University.” Andrew rubs his thumb along the inside of Neil’s forearm, “You are at the Fox Tower in our dorm room. The one you share with me and Kevin.” He massages warmth into Neil’s shaking arms, “Kevin was helping you with your scars, so they’d heal better. You’re in my care now Neil, I won’t let you be anything other than safe ever again.” He says and Neil’s breathing shudders.

He feels the moment that Neil’s fear loses the fight fully against his trust in Andrew. Feels the moment that Neil fully relaxes into Andrew’s chest and his arms become heavy in Andrew’s hands. “Thank you,” Neil whispers.

Andrew continues to massage Neil’s arms until his arms are warm and have lost all of the painful tension they'd started with.

Neil’s skin is still clammy.

“I'm going to wash you off.” Andrew says adjusting so that he can carry Neil, “Wrap your arms around my neck.” He instructs and Neil is swift to comply now that he’s sure that his skin isn’t going to fall off.

Andrew lifts Neil and carries him into the bathroom.

He sits Neil down on the toilet and heads back to the room to grab a change of clothes. If the clothes he grabs just so happen to be his own and happen to be the ones that he knows Neil likes and happen to also be the ones that Andrew likes to see him in, then that is all a coincidence.

Neil is shaking again by the time he gets back his eyes locked on the mirror in the bathroom and Andrew should have left him on the bed. Neil never does well with mirrors when he’s fragile. He blocks Neil’s view of himself with his own body letting the change of clothes he brought to sit on the counter. “You are Neil Josten, Lola, and your father are dead, you are safe in Palmetto because you are safe with me.” He holds Neil’s face, “If you can’t look, then you can close your eyes.” He says and he’ll let Neil run from his reflection for now, when he’s fragile.

Neil lets out a shuddering breath and closes his eyes before he nods.

Andrew pulls off Neil’s sweat-drenched t-shirt and has Neil lift his hips so he can pull off his shorts and underwear. Neil sighs when Andrew brings a warm washcloth to his clammy skin. A shower would have just washed off all of the scar cream that is still absorbing into Neil’s skin, so Andrew would just have to wash him off like this to get the sweat off of him.

Neil is all soft sighs, loose limbs, and trusting leans as Andrew takes care of him.

Andrew doesn’t know of a time in his entire life that he’s ever been this gentle.

He dresses Neil in his clothes and Neil’s eyes stay shut the entire time. “Open your eyes, Neil.” Andrew orders and Neil, trusting beautiful Neil, opens his eyes, albeit warily. Andrew does not stand in the way of Neil and his reflection; he’s learned that he can only let Neil run from his reflection briefly before he has to address it.

Neil looks at his reflection but this time instead of Nathaniel (pale, covered in sweat, aching from someone else’s hands, and alone with his father’s eyes staring back at him) he hopes that he sees Neil (flushed from the warm water, clean, relaxed from Andrew’s attention, and with MINYARD 03 stamped on the borrowed shirt).

Neil smiles for the first time since this had all started.

Neil has never looked anything like Nathan Wesninski to Andrew, but there’s not even a hint of the butcher when Neil smiles at Andrew.

Neil tries to stand on his own, but Andrew just scoops him off of the closed toilet and back up into his arms.

Neil had asked for Andrew to take care of him afterward.

Neil is going to get taken care of.

***

Kevin returns two hours after he had fled the dorm.

“I got dinner,” Kevin says holding up bags of carryout.

It’s from the Chinese place that he knows that Kevin doesn’t like (the grease) but that Neil does (the grease).

Neil smiles at Kevin and Andrew can see that it had been the thing Kevin had wanted to see when he’d made the decision to get Chinese for dinner as Kevin's shoulders loosen.

Neil hasn’t spoken since he thanked Andrew nearly an hour and a half ago, but he’s been content to sit on the couch with Andrew and eat some fruit out of his hand. It had become something Andrew had no trouble admitting he enjoyed doing ever since the Fall Banquet.

The three of them, through an unspoken agreement, decide to eat in front of the TV.

Neil devours the egg drop soup and egg rolls before he gets started on the Chicken Lo Mein. Andrew eats his honey chicken, “What are you working on tomorrow?” He asks Kevin.

“Arms and face again, they’re still tight. I need to get more crea-“

“Already bought plenty.” Andrew gestures to the two plastic bags full of tubes.

Kevin blinks, “Alright, if you got that much, then you should put some on his other scars tonight. It might help loosen it up so it won't hurt as much later.” Kevin says and Andrew feels Neil tense next to him.

“He just means rub it in, not working it like Kevin was doing,” Andrew says and Neil relaxes enough to take another bite of his Lo Mein.

“Neil, can…can I see your chest and back?” Kevin asks managing to surprise both Andrew and Neil. “I want to see what sort of injuries I should ask Abby about.” He says before returning to self-consciously eat his lettuce wrap and avoiding looking directly at Neil.

“They're ugly,” Neil says voice slightly rough.

“Can’t be worse than your personality.” Kevin huffs in response and Neil laughs. Andrew had been trying to pull the sound out of him for the last 45 minutes and had only gotten smiles. He doesn’t even care that it was Kevin who brought it out of Neil.

“Yeah, you can see them,” Neil says before returning to his Lo Mein.

They pass the rest of their dinner with only mild comments about the show on TV, it’s house hunters because Andrew can admit to himself that he’s doting on Neil, and soon Neil is about to fall asleep.

Andrew picks him up again and Neil seems to instinctively curl into his chest. “C’mon, we’ll get the cream rubbed in.” Andrew says and deposits Neil onto his own bed, “Take off your shirt, I’m going to go get the cream. Lay on your stomach, we’ll start with your back.” He instructs and Neil sleepily complies.

He hears a strangled noise and remembers that Kevin had been given permission to see Neil’s chest and back. The other Striker has one of the bags in his hand, but it looks like it’s about to slip out of his grasp as green eyes take in all of the cruelty that had been marked into Neil’s skin over the years.

Neil’s too tired to do anything more than throw Andrew’s T-shirt in the general direction of the laundry basket and flop onto his stomach burying his face into Andrew’s pillow.

It would be a sight too adorable for Andrew to pull his eyes away from if Kevin didn’t look like he was about to have a nervous breakdown.

“Neil, I’ll be back in a minute. It’s fine if you go to sleep, you don’t need to be awake for me to apply the cream.” He says and grabs Kevin by the back of his neck and steers him out of the room before his reaction makes Neil self-conscious.

He steers Kevin to the kitchen, the area of the dorm the farthest from the bedroom. “What’s the issue Day?” He hisses.

Kevin waves his hand away, suddenly looking very green, before puking into the sink.

Andrew grimaces and hopes that Neil doesn’t hear this. If Kevin snoring was the noise they were most used to sleeping through then the sound of Kevin puking his guts out was a close second.

Kevin leans over the sink for a few long moments struggling to catch his breath.

“It’s so bad.” Kevin whispers hoarsely, “It must have all hurt so bad.” Kevin reiterates.

Andrew feels his anger soften.

“I thought…I thought that he was lucky. That he’d escaped the nest and he was lucky. He was on the run with his mom, but he wasn’t at the nest, he didn’t have to go through what Jean and I went through.” Kevin turns the faucet on and tries to wash regurgitated lettuce wraps down the drain. “He wasn’t lucky at all.” Kevin turns his gaze to Andrew and Andrew can’t be mad at Kevin for this reaction.

He can’t be mad that Kevin cares about Neil like this.

Andrew has Kevin drink two glasses of water before they go back into the dorm room. Neil is dozing and his back is bared for them both to see.

Kevin is still pale and shaking slightly as he looks at the damage but when he reaches to touch the gunshot scar Andrew stops him. Kevin has permission to look, Andrew is the only one with permission to touch right now.

“They’re…so old,” Kevin remarks seeing how the skin has stretched uncomfortably around the puckered skin. “This is…this is probably why he hasn’t been able to do that precision drill perfectly yet. He keeps practicing at it but…it has to hurt. It’s going to hurt when I-” Kevin swallows.

“I know it’s going to hurt.” Neil mumbles having come out of his doze and a mumble should not sound that resigned, “I’m asking that you do it anyway.” He sighs.

Kevin looks like he might cry or be sick again, he might even do both.

“How…how did these-”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” Neil says quietly.

Kevin nods and swallows thickly before he makes his way to his own dresser to grab some sleep clothes and heads out of the room to their bathroom.

Andrew settles on the bed and opens up a tube of scar cream. The medicinal smell is strong again and Andrew spreads the cream into Neil’s scars. He’s slow and careful as he does it and Neil is boneless beneath his touch. Andrew worries about the majority of these scars and how Neil will react to them being treated. Neil had been any number of people when he’d gotten the scars on his back and all of them had been running away.

When he tells Neil to turn over Andrew has to help him. It shouldn’t be so endearing to have a grown man need his help like this but it’s Neil, so Andrew is helpless against the warmth in his chest.

Kevin comes back in time to see Neil’s chest and he manages to keep it together this time. There are fewer scars on Neil’s chest but what is there paints an awful picture. The circular saw scar by his ribs, the iron poker puncture by his hip, the discoloration of the road rash along one side, the long trail where Riko had cut him last Christmas break, and the worst will always be the clothing iron pressed into Neil’s shoulder.

Kevin looks at them all before he crawls into his bed, puts in headphones, and starts to watch something on his phone.

Andrew is extra careful with the scars on Neil’s front. These are the ones that Neil is the most sensitive about. Neil had to watch as these hurts came for him, and Andrew quietly hopes that Neil will have him sit in when Kevin does these ones.

The last spot he works on is Neil’s face and Andrew feels like it should be illegal for Neil to be this cute. Neil when half-awake keeps turning his head to try and kiss Andrew’s palm while Andrew tries to hold his face to apply the cream.

Once Neil is slathered in scar cream Andrew takes his turn to get ready for bed.

He brushes his teeth, changes his clothes, leaves his armbands and knives on the bedside table, and shuts off the lights before crawling into bed with Neil. He took the time to look at how he was feeling after his scare earlier in the day while he'd been in the bathroom and every part of him wants to hold Neil right now.

If nightmares come for him then he’ll let Neil go and sleep elsewhere. He pulls Neil’s back to his chest, buries his nose in Neil’s neck, and is pleased that Neil still smells like his body wash there instead of the medical cream.

He runs his hands along Neil’s arms before he lets one hand come and rest on Neil’s face. The scars there were still so familiar that he would never question that it was Neil under his hands and in his arms even asleep.

Andrew falls asleep.

***

Andrew slept amazingly well that night.

He wakes up and goes to the court with Neil and Kevin. He watches Neil’s movements and compares them to what they had been. It’s just one day but Neil’s movements are already slightly smoother.

Neil and Kevin have a Tuesday class that they both head off to. They spend the day like normal but forego night practice again to work on Neil’s scars.

Andrew makes himself scarce up on the roof, but he keeps checking his phone as if he doesn’t have his ringer turned up to maximum volume. God Save the Queen plays and Andrew is sprinting down the stairs to their dorm like a damn kid on Christmas morning.

Kevin greets him at the door again. He’s as pale and unsteady as yesterday and he needs the same distance and alone time to put himself back together after helping Neil. He promises that he’ll pick up dinner again and then he’s past the door and may as well cease to exist for all the brain power that Andrew allocates to Kevin at that moment.

His entire consciousness is consumed by one person.

Neil is not hiding under Andrew’s bed this time. He’s curled up on Andrew’s bed with his face pressed into one of Andrew’s shirts as he shakes. It does something to Andrew’s chest to see Neil clinging to Andrew even when Andrew was not there.

He touches Neil’s neck and Neil has a full-body shudder at the gentle touch. “Help… help me…” Neil pleads, and Andrew is helpless to do anything but help Neil.

He repeats the majority of what he’d done the night before. He massages Neil’s arms, reassures him that he’s safe with Andrew, wipes him down, and puts Neil in Andrew’s clothes. He learned from his mistakes the night before and does not leave Neil alone for any length of time, especially not near a mirror. Neil is silent but he takes everything Andrew gives him like a flower turning toward sunlight.

Andrew’s gentleness brings him far from the memories of others’ violence.

Neil is quiet again, but his smiles are 100% dimpled when Andrew roasts the homeowner’s choices as they watch House Hunters.

Kevin takes two and a half hours but brings back Polish food from a place where Neil always gets free food from the owner who dotes on him like he’s her own. Neil enjoys the cabbage rolls, pierogis, and potato pancakes and falls asleep on Andrew again.

Andrew carries him to their room, slathers Neil in the scar cream, puts on his own sleep clothes, puts away his knives and armbands, pulls Neil to his chest, and falls asleep before Kevin even makes it into the room.

Andrew sleeps amazingly well again.

It says something about Andrew's life that having two consecutive amazing nights of sleep where he woke up with Neil in his arms and a smile on his face has him running to his appointment with Betsy after dropping Neil and Kevin off at the court.

On his way there he examines himself.

He is getting something from putting Neil back together. He’s benefitting from Neil falling apart and needing him so desperately. He’s getting something that makes some of the sharp edges in him feel rounded. He feels like a junkie anxious for his next fix the way that he had kept checking his phone the entire time he was sat up on the roof. Knows that something in him heals a little when a pale-faced Kevin leaves and he has a wrecked and terrified Neil alone in his care. Knows that something in him stops aching when Neil reaches for him, desperate and pained, and believes that Andrew will help him.

Betsy wants to talk about Drake, wants to talk about his time in rehab and Proust. Andrew dismisses it entirely because that wasn’t important right now.

He needs to talk about his reaction to Neil’s suffering.

“I think I’m becoming like Drake,” Andrew says without preamble.

Betsy looks at him surprised but doesn’t instantly deny it.

“What makes you think that?” She asks setting aside one notepad and grabbing another.

Andrew explains, broadly, that Neil is getting help from Kevin with his scars. He explains the last two nights to Betsy. He talks about how it felt to have Neil so helpless under his hands and how he relished in it.

“Andrew, do you enjoy seeing Neil hurt and scared? Not that he needs you, but that he’s in pain and he’s terrified.” She says and Andrew takes a moment to consider it. He thinks about how he felt the last two nights when he’d come to find Neil. How his stomach had twisted at the sight of Neil scared and aching under his bed. How he felt when Neil’s arms hurt so badly, he thought the burns were still there.

He hated it.

“No.” He says and looks at Betsy.

“You said you hated when he was hurt after Baltimore as well.” Betsy reminds him as if Andrew could ever forget how he wanted to burn the entire world to the ground when he’d peeled Neil’s bandages off and saw the marks underneath. How he had wanted to kill everyone and everything that had ever thought about hurting Neil, including himself. “You also mentioned taking care of him afterward. How you stayed with him throughout the FBI’s interrogation, when Abby redressed his arms, sat with him the whole ride back, slept next to him with the rest of the foxes, and how you cleaned him up.” She lists.

Andrew swallows and nods.

“Andrew, did you like being able to take care of Neil like that?” She asks and Andrew tries to control his anger at the thought of liking any aspect of those days during and after Baltimore.

“Lola played connect four on his arms with a lighter, he never should have-!”

“I know you hated that he was hurt.” Betsy interrupts, a rarity, “Still, did you like being part of his healing?” She asks instead.

Andrew pauses.

Part of his healing.

He thinks back, past the anger and the rage, and thinks about how he’d treated Neil during that time. Thinks about how he felt being there with Neil and being hands-on with his recovery during that period.

Thinks about how he hadn’t been anywhere near as gentle as he’d been these last two nights but how he’d thrived off of Neil’s trust that Andrew would take care of him. Thinks about how he’d been so settled by being the one that got to take care of Neil that he’d slept surrounded by the other Foxes.

“I…liked being part of his healing.” He admits haltingly.

“Andrew, do you think that you like having an excuse to be gentle with Neil?” Betsy asks and when Andrew opens his mouth with his immediate rejection, she holds up a hand, “I would like you to take a minute to consider the question before you answer.” She requests.

Andrew bites back his initial response.

Andrew considers the question.

Tries to think of himself and the word gentle.

When he thinks of gentle, he thinks of Neil. Neil asking yes or no, Neil knowing how to wake him up, Neil’s hands on his body, Neil kissing him, Neil holding the world at bay when Andrew needs him to, he thinks about chocolate covered treats, he thinks about dancing on a roof with no music, and he thinks about how Neil knows what he needs without Andrew needing to ask.

He thinks about himself, the word gentle, and Neil.

He thinks about Baltimore both during and after. He thinks about their summer road trip where Neil got sick, and Andrew nursed him back to health. He thinks about wrapping an arm around Neil’s shoulder to cart him away from a mirror. He thinks about Neil trying to hide his anxiety in the hospital as they waited for the doctor to staple his head back together. He thinks about Neil hiding how he was scared at Binghamton. He thinks about the last two nights.

Thinks about how he could touch Neil and bring him back to his body. Thinks about how It felt to know that he was helping Neil heal even if it was difficult. It wasn’t just watching after cuts and burns it was having an active role. It was Neil trusting him to be there for him no matter how bad his reaction was and not being embarrassed that Andrew saw him so vulnerable and weak.

Thinks about how it felt to glide his hands along Neil’s arms and knowing that it helped Neil heal. Thinks about how it felt to touch Neil for the express purpose of being gentle and to help Neil come back to himself and heal.

How the only thing on his mind was that he wanted Neil to feel taken care of, not because of a promise or a deal. Neil deserved to have Andrew take care of him the same way Neil took care of Andrew.

He likes taking care of Neil and he likes being gentle with Neil.

“I like… being gentle with Neil.” Andrew admits before swallowing as he thinks about all the other times he’s touched Neil gently, “I’ve…pretty much always liked being able to be gentle with Neil.” He admits and decides to ignore their rough start, “Why does it mean that much to me?” He asks because even if he does enjoy being gentle to Neil, he does not want to be like any of the men who enjoyed having him weak and vulnerable under them. "Am I some sort of sadist?” He asks because he remembers how he had been so eager last night.

Even now, he’s looking forward to tonight.

“I would never call you a sadist for enjoying the opportunity to be gentle. Especially if you want to be gentle with Neil.”  Betsy says.

“He is so scared Bee. He hid under my bed the first night.” He reminds her.

“You said you don’t like that he’s scared, you like making him not be scared. You don’t like that he’s in pain, you like soothing that pain. That’s not what a sadist likes Andrew.” She says gently. “As for why you feel like you are benefitting from it or getting something out of taking care of Neil, there are many papers regarding victims experiencing healing when they help others heal. You’re nothing like those men Andrew, not at all.” She assures.

Andrew feels his shoulders relax.

He closes his eyes.

He trusts Bee.

They use their remaining time to talk about how he’s feeling with the two trauma anniversaries that had come up recently. They talk about how police recently found Proust's body (Stuart had left his corpse somewhere remote) and how Andrew feels about the discovery. He talks about how he’d almost killed Kevin because he’d misunderstood what he had heard. He talks about how far he's come in regards to sleeping together with Neil since the summer when he'd first brought it up to Bee in the wake of being unable to hold him so he could recover.

The drive to the stadium is quiet without anyone in the car. He thinks about what he'd talked to Bee about.

"You're nothing like those men Andrew, not at all." Bee had said. He parks his car and he almost loses his lunch when he tries to think of himself abusing the power he has over Neil when Neil was so fragile in front of him these last two nights.

"Help me..." Neil had pled and Andrew had been utterly incapable of doing anything but.

His stomach settles.

Neil was fragile in those hours after Kevin loosened the scars but he also had complete power over Andrew during that time. There's not a single echo of those men in what Andrew does for Neil or an echo of Andrew's past powerlessness in Neil when he asks for help.

Andrew heads inside the stadium but goes up into the stands to watch instead of heading to the Court.

He watches Neil’s movements, they’re even smoother than yesterday. Neil and Kevin both seem to be excited with Kevin grabbing Neil around the shoulders more than once as Neil’s performance with the drill continues to impress.

He watches the exact moment that Neil realizes he’s there in the stadium. Watches as a big, beautiful smile spreads across Neil’s face as he waves at Andrew.

Andrew doesn’t know how to feel.

He thinks…he thinks he might feel lucky.

Neil runs off the court, jumps up, and pulls himself into the stands with the athleticism that had made Kevin drag Andrew to Arizona in the first place. Neil stops a foot away from him, he’s sweaty, he’s smiling, and close enough for Andrew to see his dimples as he talks about how his aim is getting better than it had been before the burns had stolen some of his range of motion.

Andrew drags Neil, sweaty and gross, the remaining foot and has Neil on his lap. He rubs Neil’s scarred knuckles with his thumbs and urges Neil to continue talking about all the improvements he’s noticed. Neil blushes gorgeously but obeys.

So lucky.

Chapter Text

It’s the last night that they can stay in the dorms before they have to clear out for Thanksgiving Break. Wymack had gotten them an exception to stay for this night ages ago and Andrew is glad that they can spend the night in the dorms before they head out to Abby’s in the morning to have their Thanksgiving there, spending the night and then they will head to Columbia for the rest of their break.

Kevin has made the executive decision to come with Andrew and Neil now instead of spending the break with his dad. He says it’s to help Neil. Andrew doesn’t doubt that Neil’s recovery is an excellent excuse for Kevin, but he’s seen how awkward the coach and Kevin are in any setting that wasn’t about Exy or a group setting.

Kevin says that Neil’s arms and face are good to go and will just need regular maintenance to achieve the full desired effect. In the locker room, Kevin takes the time to show Andrew the different motions he’ll need for when he’s doing maintenance on Neil’s scars for his arms and face.

That night he’s going to start on Neil’s back since he’d gotten the additional information from Abby on how to help Neil with his different scar types. This night will require different techniques and a different strategy for Andrew as well.

Andrew leaves Kevin and Neil in the dorm but unlike the previous two nights, he does not head up to the roof to continuously check his phone. Instead, he drags his desk chair and a book out into the hallway.

Andrew really does try to read, does try to keep his mind off of what is going on in the dorm but quickly gives it up as impossible. He strains his ears to listen for any sounds that would indicate he needs to get ready.

He really hadn’t needed to strain his ears because Kevin’s voice comes through loud and clear.

“Neil, stop!” Andrew doesn’t even need to think before he’s catching Neil as the Striker barrels into him.

Andrew had been ready.

He’d expected Neil to run.

He locks his arms around Neil and steels his heart when Neil makes a noise that can only be described as desperate and afraid.

“Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.” Neil repeats as he tries to escape from Andrew’s arms.

“Neil, you’re safe,” Andrew promises.

“Let me go.” Neil pleads, “Th-they’re going to kill me. I need to go. Let me go p-p-p-pl-“ Neil struggles with the last word and Andrew can’t believe that the only thing Neil has managed to hold onto in his blind panic is to not say ‘please’ to Andrew.

“Neil, it’s Andrew. You’re safe. No one is going to kill you.” He promises and Neil goes limp in his arms.

“Shot…going to…going to bleed out…need stitches…mom…mom help me…I’m sorry…I promise I’ll be faster just-“

“Your mother is dead Abram.” Andrew says and he hears an angry gasp from wherever Kevin is, “Your father is dead too. You survived Abram, you’ve survived everything. You’re going to survive this too.” He promises because there is no other option as far as Andrew is concerned.

Neil lets out a shaking breath and buries his face into Andrew’s shoulder.

“….’m sorry….Drew….’m sorry.” Neil mumbles and Andrew hates the apology but internally sighs in relief that Neil knows where he is. That Neil knows who he’s with.

“You did nothing wrong,” Andrew assures and takes the chance to loosen his hold on Neil so he can run his fingers through Neil’s hair. Neil slumps but wraps his own arms around Andrew’s shoulders. He looks to Kevin who is standing there pale and nervous, “Started out with the gunshot?” he asks hand running along Neil’s exposed back to where that scar lay.

“It looked the most painful…I thought…I thought it’d be better to get it over with.” Kevin says, “Neil agreed to it.” He adds.

Andrew sighs, he’s not mad at Kevin. He’s not mad at anyone that’s still living and breathing.

He’s just frustrated with the situation.

“Neil,” he turns his face into Neil’s hair, “Have you changed your mind about me being in the room?” he asks.

Neil’s breath hitches for a moment, and he still sounds like he’s run a marathon instead of the distance from the bedroom to the front door of their dorm.

“I…” he swallows. “I’m sorry.” Neil apologizes again and Andrew grips his hair in a silent reprimand, “I probably won’t ask for it to stop or beg.” He says face pressing deeper into Andrew’s shoulder to the point that it was slightly uncomfortable, “If I start then I need you to promise me that you’ll leave.” Neil whispers.

“What’s the alternative?” Andrew asks.

“I still have the handcuffs that Roland-”

Andrew pulls Neil away from his chest because now he’s angry.

“Absolutely not.” He hisses and only just barely holds himself back from touching the handcuff scars on Neil’s wrists.

“But Andrew-“

“No, give me a different alternative if I can’t be in the room.” He says. The very idea of restraining Neil to a bed while Kevin works on his scars will only result in bad feelings between all three of them at best and Neil retraumatizing himself at worst.

“I mentioned it to Neil before, but he was very resistant.” Kevin starts and Neil stiffens, “We could get something that knocks him out or incapacitates him in some way.” He says and Andrew frowns.

“You want to get him drunk?” Andrew asks incredulously because adding inebriation to this shit show would definitely not improve it.

“No!” Kevin says defensively, “Like a Xanax!” he crosses his arms looking a little offended that Andrew had jumped straight to alcohol just because it was coming from Kevin.

Andrew thinks Kevin should lay off the alcohol if he doesn’t want Andrew to come to that conclusion.

“I’m not taking that.” Neil says shaking his head and looking at Andrew pleadingly, “I don’t know how long I’d be incapacitated if we do that. What if-“

“You are not running from anything anymore Neil,” Andrew says squeezing his shoulders before bringing his Junkie in close again. “What if I’m right there with you the entire time, I’d keep you safe.” He says fingers gripping the back of Neil’s neck.

Neil swallows and buries his face into Andrew’s shoulder again.

“Can…can we just try it the other way first. Just no drugs?” he asks.

“Yes.” Andrew agrees and looks at Kevin who is watching the two of them, “Let’s go back to the room Day.” He says before gathering Neil up into his arms and carrying him back to the room.

Kevin directs Andrew onto his bed, and he gets settled with Neil in his lap. “Keep this arm down, Neil,” Kevin orders pulling one of the arms that Neil had around Andrew’s neck so that it rested at his side. “I need to maneuver your arm, remember?” he asks.

“Yeah…” Neil says and buries his face deeper into Andrew’s shoulder.

“Try and hold him still, okay? I gotta go deep to loosen it up.” Kevin says to Andrew who just nods.

Andrew sees Kevin take a deep breath before his eyes focused and he entered into the same sort of focused state that Andrew had seen on many a game day. Kevin grabs Neil’s wrist and manipulates Neil’s arm before bending it back and holding it there with one hand. “Okay Neil, in through the nose out through the mouth.” He says as a reminder.

Neil just nods into Andrew’s shoulder.

Thus began one of the longest hours of Andrew’s life.

Neil was hardly Neil while Kevin worked on the scars on his back.

He was Alex, Stefan, Brandon, Michael, or any other number of identities. He was scared and he wanted his mom to help him. Andrew found that the only thing that kept Neil in the present and limp in his arms was whispering to him in Russian. It was the only language that Andrew knew that belonged to Neil exclusively.

So, he grips Neil’s neck, holds him still as he can, and recites the script of a recent action movie that Neil had liked in Russian.

By the time Kevin has done a once over on all of the scars on Neil’s back Andrew understands why Kevin would need a break from Neil after these sessions. He feels wrung out and tired and all Andrew had done was hold Neil and recite a garbage action movie.

Kevin rushes out of the room with hardly anything more than a promise that he’d grab dinner for them before he’s gone.

Neil is far more present in Andrew’s arms now than he had been the last few nights, but Andrew can feel how desperately Neil is trying to hold himself together. “…you can go too. I know it’s-“

“Do you want to be alone?” Andrew asks because Neil’s clinging hands do not paint that picture nor do the barely contained tremors.

“No, but-“

“I am staying.” Andrew strokes Neil’s hair. “You don’t have to keep holding on like this. I’ve got you.” He promises.

He feels the moment Neil lets go.

Feels how Neil slumps fully into his arms, how he gives himself over to Andrew so trustingly, and how desperately Neil needs him.

He thinks about what he had admitted to Betsy just hours earlier.

He likes to be gentle with Neil, likes that Neil trusts him to be gentle, and he likes how he can be part of Neil’s healing.

Andrew embraces it.

He kisses Neil’s temple. “I’ve got you, Neil.” He repeats into Neil’s hair and with that Neil’s last thread of trying to hold himself together is gone. He clings to Andrew without a hint of restraint and Andrew holds him back just as fiercely.

It’s okay to want to be part of this.

Neil lets out a shuddering breath, “Thank you.” He says.

Andrew wants.

***

He spends the rest of the evening much like he had spent the last two. Neil submits entirely to Andrew’s caretaking, Kevin brings back pizza after an hour, and Kevin reminds Andrew to do the maintenance on Neil's arms and face. Neil hasn’t spoken since his shuddering thank you to Andrew and he takes Andrew's touches without breaking that streak.

Andrew is thorough in his maintenance of Neil’s arms and face. By the time he finishes with the maintenance and applying the cream to his chest and legs Neil is completely asleep.

“We’ll do his back again tomorrow,” Kevin says before putting on his headphones to listen to an Exy game before going to sleep.

Andrew leaves Neil on his bed to change into his own pajamas before crawling in and wrapping his arms around Neil. He pulls Neil close and leans in to kiss Neil’s auburn curls.

He falls asleep before he can pull his lips away.

***

Thanksgiving Lunch at Abby’s is hectic.

They had planned for it to be a very early lunch so that everyone could head out and spend the Holidays with their actual families if they wanted to. The girls had been insistent that everyone who could come should come and had been disheartened when Nicky and Aaron had said they’d already made plans long before this.

No one says anything about it beyond disappointment but they do extract a promise that at the very least they will all spend Christmas Eve together.

Andrew had ended up asking Renee after a spar why they were so insistent, and she’d smiled in a way that pulled at her split lip. “It’s our last year where everyone will be a Fox. We want happy memories.” She had said.

Andrew thinks about how Neil wilts with visible sadness anytime the girls’ graduation in spring comes up.

So, he doesn’t say anything even as Allison bumps into him as she tries to mash potatoes. He helps Renee open the bag of pre-shredded gruyere for the sweet potato casserole with his knife. He opens the fridge for Dan when she comes charging in with a cake.

Neil deserves for this to be a good memory.

Abby eventually decides that she has enough help and wiggle room to check out the progress on Neil’s scars. Andrew comes with them to the guest room that Kevin, Neil, and Andrew had dropped their bags in for the night when Neil shoots him a pleading look.

Neil is still uncomfortable taking his shirt off for Abby but tolerates it so that she can get her hands on the scars to see Kevin’s handy work. “It’s quite good.” She compliments before holding Neil’s hand in hers, “I am sorry that I didn’t think to follow up with you on how you were treating these. I should have been the one to bring it up to you and it should have been something I asked when I saw your scars last year.” She apologizes.

Neil shrugs, “It’s fine. I wouldn’t have accepted help a year ago.” He says honestly.

Neil and Abby talk for a bit after he puts his shirt back on and with a nod, Andrew ducks out of the room to check in with his absent family members. Nicky had insisted that he be brought into the main area just to give his Thanksgiving well wishes to everyone while Aaron had merely confirmed that he was having a nice time with Katelyn’s family.

“She has like 15 young cousins and 7 young nieces and nephews,” Aaron says and Andrew can hear the requisite level of laughing, screaming, and crying that comes with that many young children being together. “It’s kind of fun.” He adds.

“Good,” Andrew says and it still feels weird that this is where they’ve ended up.

Katelyn’s family had come as moral support for Aaron during his trial and her mother had been the fifth person to hug Aaron when he’d been declared not guilty. The fact that Katelyn’s four older brothers had stood solidly between the Monsters and anyone who had wanted to intrude (The Hemmicks, Cass, Piggins, etc.) had warmed Andrew to the family considerably.

“How’s Josten?” Aaron asks.

Andrew thinks of Neil’s last few days.

“He’s fine.” He says and can almost hear Aaron wince.

A Neil fine is not fine.

“How’s Kevin?” Aaron asks instead.

Andrew looks over and sees Kevin drinking water and grimacing at the Freshman’s irregular knife cuts.

“He’s doing alright,” Andrew answers and doesn’t elaborate.

“How are you?” he asks.

Andrew pauses on this one. He thinks of last night. Of how it felt to hold Neil when he’d tried to flee and then how it felt to have Neil melt into him utterly trusting of Andrew’s capacity for gentleness. Andrew had slept dreamlessly last night for the third night in a row.

“I’m good.” He answers and hears Aaron suck in a breath.

“That’s good,” Aaron says. “I’m glad.”

Andrew just makes a grunt of acknowledgment. “Enjoy the gremlins.” He says.

“I am.” Aaron accepts the end of the conversation and before the call drops, he hears Katelyn’s mom call out.

“Who wants to climb on Uncle Aaron?!”

Something loosens in his chest.

His family is happy.

He looks at Neil returning back from whatever he had needed to talk with Abby about. Neil sees him and smiles with dimples.

He’s happy.

***

Kevin’s shocking sobriety continues throughout the day despite numerous offers. The meal is good, the leftovers Abby packs away for tomorrow are appreciated, and Neil is sleepy from the amount of turkey he’s consumed. Most of the Foxes head out to spend the rest of the holiday with their families.

The three of them are sharing a guest room with Kevin on a blow-up mattress on the floor while Neil and Andrew take the bed.

They discuss if they want to continue with Neil’s scar treatment while at Abby’s house, they talk about whether or not they should have Abby do it since she’s there, and they talk about how to keep this private from the others who are also spending the night in Abby’s house.

They decide that it’s better to keep going so that they don’t regress in their progress. Neil says that Abby’s seen his scars but he’s really not comfortable being that vulnerable around her. They decide that whatever happens will happen tonight, but they’ll try and keep it as quiet as possible.

So, Kevin gets started on the bullet scar again as Andrew holds Neil in his lap. He talks quietly to Neil in Russian and asks him questions about how his presentation had gone on Wednesday. Neil answers haltingly but stays with them and is coherent for the most part.

It’s still one of the longest hours of Andrew’s life. There’s still a wet patch on his shirt from quiet tears, there’s still an ache in his heart when Neil had asked his mom not to leave him behind, and his fingers still itch with a desire to do violence to the scores of people who have left their vicious marks on Neil.

Kevin leaves the room when they’re done with it all and Andrew is still bringing Neil all the way back to himself when Kevin comes back with a wet hand towel. “We can’t really get him to the bathroom without someone noticing,” Kevin says.

Andrew takes it and Kevin leaves again.

He wipes Neil down, gets him in his pajamas, and Neil thanks him again. Andrew knows that Neil won’t talk for the rest of the night after that.

Kevin returns again, “No one is in the living room now. I made leftover sandwiches.” Kevin offers.

Andrew nods, offers Neil his hand, and they make their way down into Abby’s living room. They eat on the couch (“I asked, Abby said it was fine as long as we clean up any mess.” Kevin assure when Neil hesitates.) and they watch HGTV. Neil falls asleep after he finishes eating a sandwich and a half.

It’s almost their routine.

“You’re doing better tonight than you have the other nights,” Andrew says instead of criticizing the new homeowner.

Andrew can’t help but call attention to the outlier in this routine for tonight.

Kevin startles, blinking as he looks at Andrew.

“The second time is easier.” Kevin says awkwardly rubbing at his arm, “It doesn’t hurt as bad and he’s usually more…aware. It helps that you were there too.” He adds.

“You took two and a half hours the second night for his arms and face,” Andrew remarks.

“I only came back so quickly the first night because I was scared about how he was doing.” Kevin says, “He was in such a bad state when I left, I felt terrible, but I-I just couldn’t be there with him.” Kevin admits. “Then I came back with Chinese and I saw that you were taking care of him.” He says.

“I said I would.” Andrew scowls.

“I know but I didn’t think you’d be gentle like you are with Neil.” Kevin says with a scowl, “You were never gentle with me when I needed your help.” He adds looking away.

Ah.

“My relationship with Neil is very different from my deal with you Kevin,” Andrew says succinctly.

“I know.” Kevin says but doesn’t look back toward Andrew, “I know it’s different between you and me. I just didn’t realize how different it was for you and Neil.” He says before he turns back but his gaze is on Neil asleep in Andrew’s arms, bundled up in a Minyard 03 Palmetto sweatshirt, “I’m glad it’s different for you and Neil.” He admits.

They sit in silence for a while.

Andrew’s settling in to watch another pair of bland white people buy an ugly house when Kevin talks again.

“He kept calling out for you when I was doing his arms,” Kevin says and Andrew’s head whips towards Kevin. “I’m glad he’s okay with you being there for the rest of it. He relies on you a lot. A lot more than he’s probably ever relied on anyone else other than maybe his mom in his entire life.” Kevin adds and he’s not looking at Andrew.

“I know,” Andrew says.

“You rely on him too.” Kevin says, “This whole last month you were leaning on him pretty heavily. I was watching.” Kevin adds.

Andrew grits his teeth, “I know.” He responds.

“The difference between you two is that you have more than Neil to rely on.” Kevin says, “You have Betsy and you even rely on me, Nicky, and Aaron too sometimes.” He turns to look at Andrew, “Neil only relies on you.” He says.

“I’m not going to let him dow-“

“That’s a lot for you to handle.” Kevin interrupts and Andrew’s understanding of this conversation has shattered. “Neil would never forgive himself if he gave you more than you could handle.” He adds.

“I don’t do more than what I-“

“You wanted to leave last night too. You stayed.” Kevin says, “We were facing each other Andrew, I saw how hard last night was on you. I saw how hard tonight was on you.” He says.

“It was harder on Neil.” Andrew grits out.

“I know, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard on you.” Kevin’s green eyes are boring into him. “You can’t be the only person Neil relies on, it’s not fair to you.” He says.

“What, you want me to convince him to rely on you too?” Andrew hisses.

“No, I... Neil is probably my best friend. I rely on him for a lot of things but after last year and everything that happened between us before it’s going to take time for him to rely on me outside of Exy.” Kevin swallows, “I haven’t exactly been… a model of good coping mechanisms.” He says.

Andrew thinks about how it’s been weeks since he had seen Kevin drink.

“You stopped drinking.” Andrew doesn’t ask.

“It’s a deal I made with my…with Coach. We haven’t stopped we’re just…it’s a lot less.” Kevin admits, “I don’t want to deal with my problems by getting drunk anymore. Now when I’m stressed…I reach out to people who will help me.” He looks at Neil.

Ah.

“I see,” Andrew says because he does. Andrew thinks about how Neil had almost fallen off the tower whenever his fingers itch for a cigarette. Andrew kisses Neil when he wants something in his mouth. Andrew presses his face into Neil’s neck and breathes in deeply whenever he misses the smell of smoke.

Neil is a coping mechanism that Andrew can vouch for and so long as Kevin doesn’t do anything more than casually touch then Andrew has nothing to say about it.

“But what I’m saying is that we need to get Neil to see a therapist. He needs to talk to someone professionally about what…what…” Kevin falters, “What those monsters did to him.” He croaks.

Andrew frowns, “You think I haven’t been trying to get Neil to go to therapy?” he asks.

“I know you have but…I think we might need to force the issue?” Kevin tries, “I know you don’t want to but…Andrew…he needs help.” Kevin says.

Andrew holds Neil closer, “I know, but it won’t matter if he doesn’t choose to go.” Andrew says.

“You didn’t decide to go to therapy. You went through twelve before you got Betsy. You had to be forced to go.” Kevin says.

Andrew hates when the asshole is making a good point.

“He hates Betsy,” Andrew argues.

“So? He doesn’t have to go to your therapist Andrew.” Kevin quirks an eyebrow. “It took you thirteen tries to find Betsy.” He reminds.

Andrew hates when the asshole is making a good point.

“How do you expect to force him to go? I only went because of the court order.” Andrew scowls.

“Because I will tell him that if he doesn’t go I will tell Abby what he said to me on the first night I worked on his scars and then he’ll have to go,” Kevin says looking down at his hands.

Andrew goes very still. There are very few things that someone can say that result in them being forced to go to therapy.

“He thought I was Lola and he begged me to just kill him. He asked me over and over and over again to just kill him.” Andrew feels ice sink into his stomach. “I…I spoke with him about it the next day and he said that if he hadn’t thought that they would have killed us that he had planned on just killing himself. He…” Kevin swallows and closes his eyes, “I..he still has some plans to do it if something happens with the Moriyamas or if any of his father’s remaining men come at him again.” Kevin closes his eyes, “At one point he realized it was me but..but not that he was safe and he begged me to get him these…these pills he has stashed away. He told me where he’d hidden them and said that…at least it won’t hurt.” Andrew’s entire body feels molten.

“Where are they?” he demands voice icy.

“I have them with me. I’ve kept them in my backpack since Neil asked. I don’t think he remembers that he told me, and he hasn’t noticed that they’re gone.” Kevin buries his face in his hands, “I’m going to use them as evidence o-or as blackmail if I can’t get Neil to agree to go to therapy without the mandate.” He says.

Andrew wants to crush Neil into his chest, wants to find the bottle of pills in Kevin’s bag and set them on fire, wants to shake Neil and demand to know what he was thinking, he wants to go and personally tell Ichirou Moriyama that he can fuck off for making Neil have a contingency plan, and he wants to tell Neil that he’s going to follow him wherever he goes, that whatever pills he has stashed away there better be enough for two.

“Andrew, I want…I want to be clear. I don’t think Neil is actively suicidal or that he wants to die. I think…” he swallows, “I think that he’s only going to do something if he’s going to die already and just wants it to not hurt.” He tries to clarify. “He doesn’t want to leave you, that’s the very last thing Neil wants to do.” He promises.

Andrew and Kevin don’t talk anymore after that.

They both stare at the TV for three more episodes of House Hunters. Andrew can’t speak for Kevin, but he knows that he doesn’t actually take in any of what is happening on the screen.

Neil stirs in Andrew’s arms, “Drew?” he asks and Andrew blinks for what might be the first time in an hour.

“Let’s go to bed. I’ll do the maintenance.” He says and Neil blinks drowsily at him.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

There’s a bottle of pills in Kevin’s backpack that you’ve had for months and I just found out it’s your suicide plan.

“I hate the house they picked,” Andrew says and it’s not a lie, he’s looking at the house now and it has carpet in the bathroom and the buyers think it’s charming.

Neil gives him a look that isn’t convinced but also one that says he’ll wait for Andrew to tell him.

He carries Neil up to bed and he stares at Kevin’s backpack for a few moments before deciding that he wouldn’t look for them now. It’s fine as long as they stay out of Neil’s hands.

He works on Neil’s arms and face.

Neil falls asleep again as he rubs cream into his chest.

Andrew gets ready for bed, looks at Kevin’s backpack, and decides again that he doesn’t need to take custody of the pills.

Andrew climbs into bed and gets under the covers with Neil. One hand rests on Neil’s pulse while the other rests on his chest.

“You can’t leave me alone.” He says.

***

Andrew sleeps fitfully. He keeps waking up to check that Neil is still there and to stare at Kevin’s backpack. After the third time, he climbs out of bed, grabs Kevin’s backpack, and leaves the bedroom.

He takes the bag to the bathroom, and rifles through it. He finds a pill bottle he recognizes from the summer. There’s no label other than Neil’s heinous handwriting that says ‘Neil Josten’.

He looks at the four pills inside, they’re all different and Andrew wonders what they are. There are no brand names on any of them. He wastes no time going through Abby’s medicine cabinet to find four similar-looking pills and takes the time to carefully remove the brand names from them.

He flushes the original pills down the toilet.

He puts the largely harmless pills back in the bottle.

He puts the bottle back into Kevin’s backpack.

He puts Kevin’s backpack back where he’d grabbed it from.

He crawls back into bed with Neil and puts his hands back where they had rested before but this time Neil turns and curls into him. “…Drew…” he sighs like Neil had missed him even in his sleep. Like Neil hadn’t been a swallow away from abandoning him this entire time.

He presses his face into Neil’s neck.

“You can’t leave me.” He says again.

***

Andrew sleeps better after that. He dreams of driving off with Neil, dreams about going somewhere that no one can hurt either of them ever again. Neil’s hand is in his and the two of them never have to let go of one another.

They head out for Columbia after Abby gives them a cooler of leftovers. She gives Andrew half of the remaining pumpkin pie.

Kevin asks if they can stop at Exites because they’re having a Black Friday sale. Andrew takes them and the only reason he goes in at all is that the thought of Neil leaving his sight makes him feel physically ill.

Kevin is quickly swept away by the crowd but thankfully towards the equipment that he had been interested in. Neil holds his hand unabashedly with the excuse that they didn’t want to get separated in the crowd firmly on their side. They check out new court shoes for Neil and Andrew insists that they buy two of the shoes that Neil decides on so that they can keep the shoe stink down.

Andrew himself sees a deal that he can't quite ignore and quietly purchases while Neil is distracted by grip tape.

Kevin reappears looking like a kid who had been let loose in a candy store as he reappears. “That’s most of my Christmas shopping done.” Kevin smiles proudly and Andrew rolls his eyes. "I'm going to win that bet," he adds as if anyone other than Neil and maybe Dan would be excited to receive Exy gear.

Kevin sees the shoe boxes and demands that Neil show them to him before he buys them, insisting he’ll know if their good quality just by the look.

Neil obliges and Kevin drags them back over to the shoe section to demand Neil try a different brand before settling on these.

Last night in the living room felt ages away.

***

Neil ends up going with the shoes he had initially selected, and they spend the rest of the day lazing around the house in Columbia. They eat more leftovers; Neil goes on a run and Andrew resists the urge to follow after him in the car.

Soon it’s time and Kevin says that they’re going to start on Neil’s chest tonight. His back will just be maintenance going forward.

The scars on Neil’s chest are the worst.

They’re the worst for any number of reasons.

They’re the worst because of how young Neil had been for most of them. They’re the worst because some of them speak to how casually cruel Neil’s childhood had been. They’re the worst because Neil had watched these hurts come for him. They’re the worst for reasons Andrew hadn’t even considered until that night.

Neil is in Andrew’s lap and his back is against Andrew’s chest. Andrew holds him still and speaks softly in Russian over Neil’s shoulder.

Neil doesn’t beg for Kevin to stop as he had for the scars on his arms and face. Neil doesn’t try to flee or struggle to get free from Andrew.

Lola, Nathan’s men who had hunted Neil and his mother for sport, and even Riko do not appear tonight.

Kevin starts on a puncture scar, an iron poker that Nathan used as punishment, that sits over Neil’s ribs. Kevin only has a minute to work before Neil goes completely and utterly still in Andrew’s arms. He’s holding his breath, eyes straight forward and unblinking, and he feels like a statue in Andrew’s arms as all the warmth leaves him.

“Neil?” Andrew questions and squeezes Neil’s hand in his own. “Neil are you breathing?” he asks but Neil can’t seem to hear him.

Kevin stops his work and Neil sucks in air only when Kevin’s fingers leave the punctured and burnt skin. “Neil?” Kevin questions.

“Neil, did you stop breathing?” Andrew asks again.

Neil nods and Andrew opens his mouth to say he’ll count so that Neil can focus on that but Neil responds before he can. “No breathing, no crying, no moving, no running, and no begging.” Neil recites mechanically before he lets out a shuddering and terrified breath, “I’m fine dad, continue.” Neil says and, in an instant, the entire night’s plan has to change.

Kevin is off the bed and on the other side of the room so quickly that he slams into the wall. He’s looking at his hands as if they were the hot pokers that had created the scar in the first place. Andrew turns Neil around in his lap and grabs him by his face.

“You are Neil Josten. You are the starting striker for the Palmetto State University Foxes. You are number 10 and you are the vice-captain with Dan Wilds. You are in Columbia, at our house. Your mother is Dead. Your Father is Dead. Lola is Dead. You are alive, you are safe, and you are with Andrew.” He recites far less mechanically than Neil had recited his own mantra, “You have survived everything that everyone has ever done to you, and I am taking care of you now.” He promises.

Neil lets out a shuddering breath, “Drew…?” he questions with recognition coming back into his eyes. Neil lets go of his face and pulls Neil into his chest. He looks at Kevin and the other Striker is looking at Neil’s quick return with some hope.

“I’m here Neil. I’m right here. Your father is dead, and he can never hurt you again physically.” He swears and he hates that he has to make the distinction, hates knowing that Nathan will always haunt the corridors of Neil’s mind.

Nathan made Neil ask for it.

Andrew wishes, for the millionth time, that his death hadn’t been so quick and painless.

“What…happened?” Neil asks sounding confused.

“You…thought I was Nathan.” Kevin manages from his spot against the wall.

“Oh,” Neil turns his face towards Kevin, “Sorry, I guess…the poker probably had too many memories attached…I got lost.” Neil says as if any of this was his fault, “Maybe we start with the clothing iron, that only happened once.” Neil offers.

“T-too many memories?” Kevin croaks, “So the poker…he used it on  you more than once?” Kevin asks and Andrew hadn’t ever thought to ask, had wanted to believe that all of Neil’s injuries were all one-offs.

“I had…a choice for my punishments. I picked the poker most of the time.” Neil says his voice gaining a drowsy quality and Andrew can feel how rapidly Neil is dropping. He needs to get Neil warm, fed, and comfortable sooner rather than later.

“You…you would pick the poker?” Kevin asks looking sick.

“The circular saw was loud and he…he wasn’t very used to…” Neil swallows, “He dropped it the one time he used it.” He explains and Andrew’s hand can’t help how it shoots to where that scar lay on Neil. “I never picked the dogs…I saw them rip someone’s leg off once and eat it…” Neil mumbles fading quicker than any of the other nights despite how brief the session was. “The poker hurt…but I was sure that I could survive it if I followed instructions. I used to be really good at that.” Neil says burying his face back into Andrew’s chest. “I’ll stay still, let’s keep going.” He says.

“We’re not doing your chest tonight.” Andrew makes the executive decision. “I’ll do maintenance on your face, arms, and back.” Andrew looks over at Kevin, “We need a different plan for this. We’ll figure it out in the morning.” He says and Kevin nods before he’s running out of the room.

He’s sure that Neil’s tired reciting of his childhood logic on why the poker was better than a circular saw his father was not steady with or a dog he had watched rip off a leg was too much for Kevin.

It was too much for Andrew, but Andrew was far more used to dealing with the mundane and absurd cruelty of Neil’s life.

If Andrew walks out tonight and finds Kevin with an empty bottle of alcohol, he won’t make him feel bad for it. He’ll still stop him from any further drinking, but Andrew could hardly blame him for a slip-up tonight.

For all that Kevin had grown up in the Nest, he’d also been a precious investment and Riko’s brother. The only thing that could really hurt him in any way was Riko’s temper or Tetsuji’s apathy. Kevin was kept away from the physical torture that Jean and later Neil had gone through there.

He thinks about how Kevin had thrown up when he’d first seen Neil’s scars.

To Kevin the violence and sadism that Neil had survived through the sheer force of his will were incomprehensible.

Andrew looks at the scars that litter Neil’s body.

Neil had an uncompromising will to live. He’d faced death and ran away from it every time. His fingers brush along the scars on Neil’s arms, he’d run every time but once. He’d faced it in Binghamton, and he’d still survived.

He thinks about the dummy pills in Kevin’s backpack.

“I think that he’s only going to do something if he’s going to die already and just wants it to not hurt.”

Andrew decides to trust Kevin’s judgment.

Neil isn’t looking to die.

Neil just doesn’t want to suffer if it happens.

“I want to get better…” Neil says, his voice tight as he mumbles into Andrew’s chest, “I didn’t mean to upset you or Kevin.” He adds.

“This isn’t…” Andrew feels sick and he swallows it down, “…this isn’t a punishment. We’re going to take care of your chest scars, but this…this was just an unforeseen setback. We’ll figure this out, Neil.” He promises.

“…sorry…” Neil mumbles another apology and Andrew pulls his face from his chest to kiss it. Neil’s mumbled apology is the last thing Neil can say that night.

Andrew doesn’t wash Neil off this time since Neil had hardly had time to sweat. He applies the cream to Neil’s chest first before he works on his back, his arms, and then finally his face. His eyes show that he’s not fully with Andrew in Columbia but he’s not over a decade in the past with Nathan in Baltimore.

Andrew helps him out into the living room and Kevin is nowhere in sight. When he goes to the fridge to grab some bottled water, he notes that there are no missing bottles of alcohol.

Neil shakes his head when Andrew tries to feed him some sliced apples. They both stare at the TV but Andrew knows Neil well enough to see that his Junkie’s thoughts are miles away. He spends his own time staring at the TV trying to think of ways to proceed tomorrow.

Kevin returns in a taxi three hours later with Mexican food, but Neil still can’t stomach any of it. Neil’s lack of appetite sours both Kevin's and Andrew’s.

Andrew forces himself to eat something but doesn’t waste any more time sitting out on the couch. He carries Neil to bed and falls asleep with his hand in Neil’s.

***

Andrew wakes up in the night and Neil’s hand is not in his.

He forces himself to remain calm as he gets out of bed and looks for Neil. Reminds himself that Neil doesn't even know that Kevin took his pills, even if he knows Kevin has them that Neil has no idea that Andrew flushed the real ones.

He doesn't think about Neil having any other contingency plans.

He walks out of their room and can hear hushed voices from the bathroom. “…help. It’s not fair to make Andrew carry the entire weight of it on his own.” Kevin’s voice comes out in a whisper. “Neil, I can’t sleep after hearing about what your father made you ask for. You need help, you need professional help. Andrew will do everything he can to help you, but you can’t only have Andrew.” Kevin’s voice is firm even in the whisper.

Andrew holds back, surprised that Kevin has decided to do this now. Andrew had wanted to think over how exactly to bring this up with Neil.

He hadn’t wanted to corner Neil in a bathroom and start demanding it.

“I-I know I can’t make Andrew keep carrying it. That’s why I was in the bathroom taking care of it myself!” Neil hisses back.

“No, you were just retraumatizing yourself.” Kevin hisses and Andrew stiffens. “Why in the world did you think you could tackle your scars when you forgot to breathe over one of them earlier today?!” Kevin demands.

“I just…I know today was too much for Andrew and for you, so I just needed to…to do it myself. I’m used to doing things myself, I shouldn’t have made you help me like this either. I’m sorry Kevin.” Neil says.

Why the hell is Kevin fighting the battle of Neil needing therapy when he’d walked in on Neil trying to handle his own scars?

Andrew has heard enough.

He opens the bathroom door and finds Neil slumped over the toilet and the obvious smell of vomit filled his nostrils. Kevin was sitting on the counter and he startles at Andrew’s abrupt entrance while Neil just stares wide-eyed at him.

“A-Andrew?” Neil questions, “Sorry, did I wake you up? My stomach just got upset so I-“

“1^st Strike, try again,” Andrew says marching over and pushing down on the plunger. Neil flinches back from the bowl as the water splashes up.

“It’s nothing,” Neil says and he leans against the tub like it’s the only thing in the world holding him up. “I just…” he stops himself and looks at Kevin pleadingly, “I’m fine.” He says and winces.

“That’s two strikes with just one sentence. Three strikes Neil.” Andrew hisses because there are no two words strung together that anyone who cares about Neil Josten hates more than ‘I’m’ and ‘fine’.

Neil grimaces, whether it was at his mistake or at the baseball metaphor Andrew will never know.

“He was in here using the mirror to work on his chest scars,” Kevin says and the betrayed look Neil shoots Kevin says everything. “I found him trying to loosen the circular saw scar looking like he was about to pass out and crack his stupid head on the ground. When I snapped him out of it, he puked.” He explains.

“It was going okay. I already did the clothing iron one, the poker, and most of the smaller ones.” Neil argues, “I wasn’t going to pass out, I’m just tired.” Neil adds petulantly.

“You don’t even know how to do it! What if you messed it up?!” Kevin hisses.

“I had Abby show me how to do it on Thanksgiving. I should know how to take care of my own scars.” Neil hisses, “I’m not always going to have someone who can help me with it.” He adds.

“Even when Andrew and I graduate and go on to professional teams that’s years from now. It’ll just be scant maintenance by then!” Kevin denies and Andrew rolls his eyes that even now Kevin was pushing his Professional Exy agenda onto him.

“Neil, I heard what you and Kevin were talking about before I came in.” Andrew says and watches as confusion flashes across Neil’s face, “About getting a therapist.” He adds.

Neil tenses.

“Look, I’m sorry that I’ve been relying on you so heavily. I didn’t mean to it was just-“ Neil cuts himself off from whatever he had intended to say, “I won’t do it anymore.” He says like a child chastised for grabbing an extra cookie.

Andrew’s ire for Kevin’s decision to bring this up now ticks up another notch.

“Kevin, get out.” Andrew hisses.

“Wait, why?!” Kevin demands.

“Get out Kevin, I’m going to have a discussion with Neil.” He turns the full weight of his ire onto the other man.

I’m going to clean up your mess.

Kevin leaves.

Smart man.

Neil does not say anything just remaining slumped against the tub. “If you don’t want to talk then you can listen. I am not your answer.” He says, “I can’t be the only person who carries the weight of your trauma.” He says and Neil flinches.

“I know, I’m so-“

“But I want to carry what I can.” He continues and Neil’s gaze shoots up to him. “I want to give you as much help as I can give you. I feel…” he takes a deep breath, “…good when I can help you; when you trust me to take care of you.” Andrew explains.

“But it’s not fair,” Neil says.

“Neil,” he kneels next to him, “this isn’t about fair.” He grabs Neil by the chin and forces him to face Andrew instead of running away, “It’s not fair when I punch you in my sleep because I think you’re attacking me. It’s not fair that we have to take every single step forward with intimacy as a baby step because of my trauma. It’s not fair that even when you were having a panic attack on Wednesday you wouldn’t say that damn word just because some part of you recognized it was me.” Andrew tightens his grip on Neil’s chin slightly. “It’s not about being fair, it’s about where I want to be and who I want to be with and what I’m willing and able to do.” He brings his hand up, cups Neil’s cheek and runs a thumb under Neil’s eye where an errant tear has the audacity to fall, “I don’t need fair Neil, I need you.” He hisses.

“Andrew, I just…I just don’t…” Neil struggles and reaches up to rest his own hand over Andrew’s but stops before he touches him.

“You can touch me, Neil,” Andrew confirms and Neil places his hand over Andrew’s.

“…I don’t want to hurt you with all of this. Kevin was right, I shouldn’t rely on you so much, shouldn’t make you carry all of this.” Neil closes his eyes. Andrew doesn’t know if it’s from feeling overwhelmed or if he wants to, symbolically, run away from Andrew’s earnestly given truth.

“I can’t carry it alone Neil.” Andrew repeats, “Neither can you. Kevin wasn’t telling you that you had to carry everything by yourself again. He was saying that having someone to talk to that isn’t as invested in you so emotionally would be good.” He brings his other hand to Neil’s cheek. “You need help Neil and more than that, you deserve help. It doesn’t have to be Betsy; it can be any therapist. You know how many tries it took for me to find someone that I clicked with. We can get started on finding that person for you Neil.” He says.

“I’m…okay…” Neil sags into his hands.

“You’re not okay.” Andrew hisses and it feels like over a year ago in the locker room while he held Neil’s new phone, only now he actually cares about the idiot he’s saying it to.

“No, I…I know I’m not okay.” Neil says opening his eyes and looking at Andrew, “That’s…that’s why I’m saying…okay after Thanksgiving break I-I’ll get a therapist. I’ll start with Betsy.” Neil says.

Andrew leans in and presses his forehead to Neil’s.

“Good.”

***

Andrew makes Neil brush his teeth again and helps him to bed. “I’ll be back.” He promises as Neil is drifting back to sleep.

Kevin is not in Aaron’s room where he dropped his bag Friday morning. He’s out in the living room.

There’s a single untouched glass of whiskey sitting in front of him.

Andrew walks over, grabs it off the coffee table, and downs it as Kevin sits silently. “Use a coaster next time. You weren’t raised in a barn.” He says taking the finished glass to the kitchen.

The whiskey bottle is sitting out on the counter.

Andrew puts it away.

He comes back into the living room and Kevin is still just sitting there.

Andrew takes a seat next to him and they sit in silence for long enough that Andrew thinks he might drop off to sleep.

“I didn’t mean to start that fight then,” Kevin says.

“Why did you?” Andrew asks.

“I just…he was…I was scared.” Kevin admits, “When I found him, he was looking at his reflection like it was going to kill him.” He says.

“Neil thinks he looks like Nathan.” Andrew reminds him because Neil has said as much to the rest of the Foxes before.

“He doesn’t look anything like Nathan.” Kevin frowns.

“That’s not what his mom said to him or Lola.” Andrew closes his eyes.

They sit in silence and Andrew is in danger of dropping off again when Kevin speaks, “I thought he was going to hurt himself. I was scared and that made me mad.” He says.

“It’s a problem you seem to keep having when it comes to Neil,” Andrew says.

“I know…I know it’s just…I want him to make it.” Kevin says and Andrew goes still. “When we beat the Longhorns last year, he said that only one of us has to make it and he wanted it to be me. I want all of us to make it. I want to be standing on the Olympic court holding up a gold medal with you and Neil. You guys are my best friends and…and you’re my family.” Kevin drops his face into his hands. “If one of you doesn’t make it then the other one won’t either,” Kevin says.

Andrew looks at Kevin.

“I threw out the pills the first night you told me about them. Replaced them with similar-looking harmless ones from Abby’s medicine cabinet.” Andrew says.

Kevin lets out a shuddering breath and Andrew brings his hand to Kevin’s back. Kevin melts at the touch and Andrew slowly brings Kevin closer so that he’s leaning against Ander’s side. Kevin’s face against the top of Andrew’s head. Andrew rubs his back and marvels that he can do this for someone who isn’t Neil.

“I’m not putting it back where I found it.” Kevin says, “I want to…if he asks about it then we know something is wrong.” He explains.

“Yeah.” Andrew breathes out. “He’s agreed to see a therapist.” He says.

“That’s good. I’m glad.” Kevin says.

“Yeah,” Andrew says again and it’s tempting to sleep here, like this. It’d be more tempting if he didn’t know that Kevin snored like a train and Neil wasn’t sleeping alone and vulnerable back in his bed.

But he can give Kevin this for a few more minutes.

***

They all wake up late the next morning to the point that it can hardly be called morning when they gather in the kitchen to throw together lunch. Neil eats the leftover tacos that he hadn’t been able to touch the night before and Andrew feels his shoulders relax as he watches Neil eat.

Neil is moving a little stiffly from his adventure in breaking up his own scars the night before. “You probably used too much pressure,” Kevin says heading over to the fridge and grabbing frozen peas that have only ever remained in their fridge as an ice pack.

“Isn’t more pressure better?” Neil asks accepting the peas and putting them over where the clothing iron scar remained.

“Not if it bruises you.” Andrew frowns, “Where else hurts?” he asks because he knows that they have more frozen vegetables in the fridge.

“My knees,” Neil admits and Andrew wonders if Neil is being more vulnerable today due to Andrew’s shared vulnerability the night before.

Andrew grabs the second pack of peas and the pack of cauliflower to rest on both of Neil’s sweatpants-covered knees. Neil sighs as the cold leeches away the inflammation.

They spend the day on homework, alternating ice packs with heating packs, and not talking about the night before any more than they absolutely have to. Neil stops moving stiffly around three hours in after Kevin’s unrelenting insistence has him finally take an Ibuprofen.

It’s coming up on dinner time and they’ve decided to eat beforehand this time in case Neil gets put off eating again. They head out together and go to a small Italian joint that Andrew knows has the world’s best garlic bread and the world’s worst meatballs.

“Don’t order them.” Andrew points at both Neil and Kevin. “You will hate them, and I won’t feel bad for you.” He says.

This results in both Neil and Kevin ordering an appetizer of meatballs to share.

“They can’t be that bad.” Kevin says, “It’s an Italian place, the meatballs have to be passable.” He crosses his arms.

They are not.

“Wow,” Neil says continuing to eat the meatballs because wasting food is not something he’s comfortable with. “These are terrible.” He agrees.

“Stop eating them. You’re going to give yourself a stomachache.” Andrew hisses pulling the plate away.

“But-“

“You’re not wasting food. Those meatballs do not qualify.” Kevin says having spit out the singular bite he had managed.

The rest of the meal is good, and the garlic bread is so divine that Kevin forgets that the meatballs are from hell and eats another one because he loves putting meatballs on garlic bread.

They snicker as he gags, Neil insists on paying the bill when it comes, and they head back to the house.

It’d be a nice night if the lingering dread of still not having a game plan wasn’t haunting Andrew’s every step.

“I think…if I talk about the scars it’ll keep me here,” Neil says as they pull into the neighborhood.

“What?” Kevin questions.

“Like…if I talk about how I got them I might be able to keep myself grounded here.” Neil looks down at his hands. “Maybe we can get you guys earplugs so you don’t have to actually hear-“

“I’ll listen.” Andrew cuts off.

“If I can’t handle it I’ll get my headphones,” Kevin adds.

“I don’t want you guys to get upset again like last night,” Neil says.

“I don’t like a single thing that caused your scars,” Andrew says remembering Binghamton and wanting to burn the whole world down. “But you’re here.” He remembers Baltimore and the dingy motel room and how the world’s doomsday clock ticked back an entire hour from the Fire and Brimstone he would have wrought when Neil worried about Andrew's bruised face.

“Okay,” Neil says.

They don’t give themselves time to hesitate when they get back to the house. They head up to Andrew and Neil’s room and get ready to work on Neil’s chest properly. Neil, on Kevin's insistence, takes a second Ibuprofen before they get started.

Kevin brings his hands to Neil’s clothing iron scar. Neil buries his face into Andrew’s neck the best he could and he starts to talk.

“There were police that came to the house to ask Nathan some questions. I couldn’t stop fidgeting because I had watched him hang the guy they were asking about on a meat hook the day before. He thought that made him look bad…made him look suspicious. He made me sit and had me watch as the clothing iron heated up. He told me that if I ran or if I tried to hide he’d cut off my legs. I could take my punishment or he’d make sure I’d never fidget again.” Neil explains voice tight as Kevin dug into the worst of the burn.

“He only did it once?” Andrew prompts as he runs his fingers along Neil’s abdomen trying to soothe the tightened muscles there.

“I…held really still. I wanted to keep my legs.” Neil manages, “So I didn’t pull away at all even though it hurt really bad. Since…I didn’t move at all it’s really obvious that it’s a clothing iron and it’s obvious that it wasn’t an accident. It looks like someone put a clothing iron on me, pressed it down, and held it there to intentionally burn me.” He says and Andrew knows how young Neil had been when he’d been punished for fidgeting. Thinks of a child that young holding completely still as the man who is supposed to be his father presses a burning hot iron into his flesh.

“So, he…realized how it looked?” Andrew asks as he squeezes Neil’s hand in his.

“No…I don’t think he thought about it until he had to.” Neil lets out a shuddering breath as Kevin hits a particularly tight part. “There…was a tutor that came to the house, he was dirty, but I guess he still really enjoyed teaching kids. Like he’d done some bad things, but his true calling was being an elementary school teacher or something.” Neil says, “I liked him, he was fun. He taught me all about math and he’d take me out of the house to run around so I could burn off some energy. After…after I was punished, I didn’t really want to move around but Nathan told me not to act differently, not to let my weakness show.” Neil says through a hiss of pain and Andrew squeezes his hand to remind Neil to squeeze when he’s hurting.

“I ran around but, I fell and landed on my arm.” Neil says squeezing Andrew’s hand, “I blacked out and when I woke up I was in the basement. My teacher…was begging Nathan and kept telling him that he’d tell CPS that he had lied, that I was a liar, and to…to just let him live.” Neil whispers, “Nathan…ripped him apart and told me to watch, that if I turned away that he’d make it even worse for him. It took…it took forever for him to die.” He says, “The whole time he was alive he was blaming me for what was happening. He hated me, he said I shouldn’t have tripped.” Neil crushes Andrew’s hand in his own for just a moment before loosening his grip.

Andrew would prefer a broken hand to Neil’s hand shaking with the effort to remain loose.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kevin says automatically.

“I shouldn’t have tripped,” Neil says back and his response is too mechanical, too rehearsed, and sounds too much like something that he was told until he believed it.

“You were a child, children trip.” Andrew squeezes Neil’s hand.

“I tripped and I never got to run around outside between lessons again,” Neil responds back and Andrew feels how Neil is starting to drift away as his hand loosens around Andrew’s despite Kevin’s continued stretching.

“Did he punish you for it?” Andrew asks hand tightening around Neil’s further hoping to keep Neil here in Columbia where he’s safe.

“Had me carry the blood…the buckets were really heavy. It…” Neil grimaces, “Pulled at my burn.” He feebly squeezes Andrew’s hand back, “He left me alone afterward. It…it took a while for the burn to heal and even longer to find another tutor.” Neil goes tense as Kevin presses hard.

“Breathe Neil, squeeze my hand.” He instructs letting his thumb run along the back of Neil’s hand to remind him again.

“Hurts.” Neil presses his face further into Andrew’s neck.

“I’m almost done, Neil. I promise I’m almost done with this one.” Kevin says voice shaking and Andrew wonders if Kevin is going to cry, “You actually did a good job loosening it up for me yesterday. Don’t do it again, but you did well.” Kevin praises.

“Okay.” Neil keeps himself still and the fact that he can remain still isn’t something that Andrew ever wants to be impressed by again.

He wishes Neil flinched away from things that hurt him.

Andrew struggles to get Neil to continue to talk, to keep Neil here in Andrew’s arms and not in a basement in Baltimore. He asks about what Mary did for his injury, if he saw a doctor, if his new tutor was any good, and any other question that came to his mind.

Neil’s answers took longer and longer to come out of him as he gripped Andrew’s hand in his own, “She told me I should have been still before.” “No doctors, Malcolm bandaged me up.” “She never let me out of my seat, she knew what happened.”

Finally, Kevin finished his work.

“I’ll check on it tomorrow, but it should be okay to shift that one to maintenance,” Kevin says voice shaking. “Do you want to work on the next one?” he asks, and Andrew can see how desperately Kevin needs to leave.

Neil shakes his head in the negative.

It seemed his words had run out for now.

“Okay, we can…we can start early before we head back to Palmetto for another scar tomorrow,” Kevin says.

Neil nods in agreement.

Kevin flees.

They were only going to be able to get through one scar that night.

***

The next day feels like Neil is saving his words for getting through the rest of his scars. They all end up waking up fairly early considering the early night they’d had, each exhausted by the weight of Neil’s story.

Andrew had watched Neil sleep perfectly still for thirty minutes before Neil woke up and smiled at him.

Andrew almost wishes Neil moved in his sleep if it weren’t for the fact they can only sleep together as frequently as they do due to Neil’s reliable stillness.

They eat lunch (the remaining Thanksgiving leftovers) and Kevin checks Neil’s clothing iron scar. “Okay, it’s just going to be maintenance for this one.” He says.

“Let’s…do the smaller ones first. Then the circular saw and the road rash.” Neil swallows. “We can do the poker last.” He says.

“That’s a lot for one session,” Kevin says.

“The…clothing iron was bad because of the tutor. The circular saw wasn’t actually that bad, I got taken care of after that one the road rash also wasn’t too bad either. Mom was proud of how I had undone the lock on the car we were in.” Neil rubs at the line of whitened skin, “It’s never hurt the way the other ones do, I think it just messed up my skin.” He says.

“We’ll see how you’re doing. If you stop talking, we stop.” Andrew says.

“Okay.” Neil agrees.

“Okay.” Kevin nods.

They start on the small scars that Neil doesn’t even remember fully how he got them. “I think it was either Lola with a knife or someone while we were on the run,” Neil says for most of them but he’s there in Columbia with them the entire time.

Then they start on the circular saw scar.

Neil talks about how he hadn’t had the muscle at age 7 to saw through a bone fast enough for Nathan and Lola. They bought the circular saw to show him how it was an inferior method, too much mess, too much damage, and it wasn’t the Wesninski way. Lola held him down and Nathan had only meant to hold it close, to scare him but he wasn’t as handy with an electric saw as he was with a manual one.

“He dropped it and it cut into me before he caught it.” Neil says, “They actually had the Moriyamas send one of their doctors for it I guess. Nathan complained about owing them a favor whenever he saw the scar. I think that’s what put me on the Moriyama’s radar though.” Neil says, “They realized Nathan was training me up to follow in his footsteps. So they wanted to put me in a different line of work to avoid any nepotism.” Neil says as Kevin finishes his work. The circular scar had been far less tight than the others, likely due to receiving proper medical care.

The road rash has Andrew gritting his teeth.

“I cushioned Mom the best I could, Lola hadn’t been gentle with her in the back seat. She thanked me.” Neil recounts the tale of the time the Malcolms had caught them in Seattle and had been taking them back to Baltimore. How Neil, 13 at the time, had sat next to his mom while Lola tortured her and how Mary had demanded that he do something.

How Neil had managed to take apart the lock of the shitty car the Malcolms were transporting them in somewhere in Montana. How Neil had opened the door on the highway and pulled his mother out with him.

How she had praised Neil and how Neil talks about it all like a treasured memory of his mother.

Andrew bites his tongue.

It’s something Neil’s therapist can help his Junkie dissect. For now, he’s grateful that Neil is with them in Columbia and that Mary’s bones are on some beach. "There's not really any adherence or tightness on it, just the discoloration," Kevin says after inspecting the swathe of skin.

They get to the iron poker scar.

“He liked to have me ask for it and because I asked for it…he’d make me heat it up in the fireplace myself,” Neil explains through gritted teeth as Andrew squeezes his hand and Kevin works on the tight skin. “He’d hold it away from my skin for a little bit, he’d watch it blister to make sure that I’d made it hot enough. I got the poker a lot when I did something he thought wasn’t befitting of being a Wesninski.” He says.

“Like what?” Andrew asks and it’s taking everything in him to maintain the apathy that had been so easy a year ago.

“Like not liking blood, laughing too loud, wanting friends, flinching, being more interested in Exy than my knife lessons with Lola, and things like that.” Neil lists.

“When did it start?” Andrew asks.

“I don’t remember,” Neil admits which means too young or that there were so many instances that Neil couldn’t pinpoint which one was first. “It was always the same spot so it was hard to keep track,” Neil mumbles.

“What was the worst one?” Andrew asks.

“They were all pretty uniform. I always got the poker red hot because I knew he’d do it with force instead of heat otherwise.” Neil says.

“What’s the one you don’t regret?” he asks instead.

“That’s easy. It’s the last one I got. The one I got a few days before my mom took me and ran.” Neil says, “Though I guess in retrospect, I regret caring if Riko saw what Nathan was doing. I didn’t know he’d end up such a psychopath either way.” Neil huffs.

Kevin’s fingers go still.

“What?” Kevin asks looking up at Neil.

“You and Riko were crying and I was used to watching that stuff by then. Remember?” Neil asks moving his face from Andrew’s neck to look at Kevin with a raised eyebrow.

“I…you pulled Riko and me away.” Kevin says eyes wide and sentence halting as the memory came back, “We only saw the beginning of it because you…you covered our ears and pushed our faces into your shoulders.” Kevin blinks as the full memory of that night fell on him.

It wasn’t something Neil had ever talked about and it was something that Kevin had actively repressed.

“Nathan didn’t like that you hadn’t seen it all. He wanted to make a point about the kind of monster he was giving to Riko and I’d undermined that. He didn’t want me to be able to be friends with any of you. You and Riko were holding onto me so tight that it took Tetsuji three tries to get you to let go.” Neil says as he leans against Andrew utterly boneless.

Kevin pulls Neil forward and hugs him.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” He says.

“It’s the one I was actually okay with,” Neil says and Andrew can see Kevin’s lip quiver. “I thought you guys were going to be my teammates in a couple of days, it was the only nice thing I could think to do,” Neil says.

Kevin doesn’t run away afterward.

He stays irritatingly close to Neil.

Andrew endures it even if it might possibly bother him a little to see Neil smile at Kevin with the dimples that are usually Andrew’s domain.

He thinks about the last week and knows that Kevin has more than earned a soft touch.

Even if it bothers him.

***

They have practice on Monday morning. It’s the first practice since Neil had gotten all of his scars loosened and largely unadhered.

Andrew watches Kevin’s near euphoric joy as Neil manages the drill that had been eluding Neil’s abilities for the last year perfectly. When that same joy is on Kevin’s face as Neil outscores him during the scrimmage Andrew dismisses any and all lingering thoughts of Kevin being like Riko.

Andrew drags Neil to Betsy to get started on the process of Neil either taking Betsy as his therapist or moving on to find another.

“What finally convinced you?” Betsy asks with a tilt of her head, long used to Neil’s intense aversion to her profession. Andrew had agreed to come with Neil for at least the first session and more if Neil needed him to.

“Kevin was right, it’s not fair to Andrew and…I need help.” Neil says through gritted teeth.

“That’s good Neil. Realizing you need help is an important step.” Betsy says and Neil squirms at the affirmation.

It’s an awkward and small baby step toward healing.

But it’s a step.

Chapter Text

Neil is hiding something.

Neil is hiding something from Andrew.

Neil is spending a lot more time on his laptop and would close out of whatever it was that he was working on whenever Andrew got close. Neil is making phone calls at odd hours that he would quickly hang up whenever Andrew came in the room. Neil had gone somewhere with Kevin for 3 hours last Saturday and Andrew had no idea where it was that they had gone but he knew it wasn’t the Court or any other Exy-related location.

The last time that Neil had hidden something from Andrew he’d almost died under his father’s non-existent mercy. The last time Neil had hidden something from Andrew all Andrew had gotten was a too beautiful smile and a thank you that was supposed to work as a goodbye.

He’d only gotten Neil back due to chance and the state that he’d gotten Neil back in was far from pristine.

Andrew did not like when Neil hid things from him, he could even say that he despised it when Neil got secretive. Andrew could not protect Neil from things Andrew did not know about.

The only thing that was keeping him from locking Neil in a room and demanding the answers was that Neil had yet to lie to him about any of it.

He’d asked what Neil had closed and Neil had said that it was something he was working on for his uncle and couldn’t be seen by anyone, and Stuart had specified even Andrew. He’d asked about the phone calls and Neil would just smile and say he was talking to his uncle about the work and the call logs confirmed the long distance. He’d asked where he’d gone with Kevin and Neil had said that they’d gone to look at some stuff at the mall but more for research than to buy something right then.

Neil hadn’t elaborated on any of his answers, but Neil also did not seem at all stressed when Andrew brought up his behaviors.

Andrew had made himself the leading expert on the signs of Neil Josten being stressed.

Aside from some slight anxiety born from memories of how Neil spent his last Christmas break, there is nothing that the junkie is exceptionally nervous about. Andrew still checks Neil’s messages and email for any sign but all he sees are texts from the foxes, standard branded emails, and an email exchange where Neil is tutoring one of his younger cousins in math.

There’s nothing bad that Neil is hiding from him.

But Andrew had thought that before. Had thought that he could deal with whatever horrors came for Neil and he’d been wrong. Had thought that even released from his deal, Neil had promised him anything and Andrew had planned to ask him to stay.

He’d been wrong and now Andrew (or Kevin) spends half an hour applying scar cream every night so that Neil’s scars don’t leave him in the chronic pain that Kevin had noticed.

Andrew hides his own growing anxiety by refusing to admit that he feels it. He wants to push away from Neil in anger that the stupid junkie is making him feel like this and he also wants to pull Neil in tight and let Neil know that whatever he’s hiding from Andrew, they can tackle it together.

He wants Neil to know that he never has to tackle anything alone again but the thought of admitting that makes his stomach twist with anxiety at being so vulnerable, even with Neil.

So, he does nothing, his anxiety putting him in an internal stalemate.

Neil asks a few times if he’s okay or if there’s something stressing him out, but Andrew doesn’t know how to let Neil know that it’s Neil’s stupid secret that’s stressing him out.

He loses his battle with his anxiety and nerves on a car ride to Eden’s a week before winter break began.

Neil has his phone on him, rare, and he’s using it to text someone but considering the lack of notifications on any of the phones in the car he doubts that it’s a Fox since Neil mostly talks to them in the group chat. Neil has his lips pursed as he looks at the messages on his phone, he’s distracted.

“Who are you texting?” He asks before he can stop himself.

“Just some guy, any chance I can borrow the car on Sunday?” He asks.

Andrew raises an eyebrow but keeps his eyes on the road, “You want to go alone?” He doesn’t answer.

Neil shrugs, “It should be fine.” Neil answers, “I bought something, and the pick-up point is farther than I can run to meet with the seller.” He adds.

“What did you buy?” Andrew asks hands tightening on the steering wheel as he lets the others out to get their table at Eden’s.

Neil smiles at him but his eyes are locked on the rearview mirror, “It’s a secret.” He says watching as the rest of them get out of the car and Andrew’s temper spikes.

“We don’t do secrets, Abram.” He hisses and Neil’s eyes go wide at Andrew’s sudden anger. “You know what happens when you keep secrets.” He gestures at Neil’s face but turns his attention back to the road when a car behind him honks to tell him to get moving.

He flips them off.

“It’s not…Andrew, why are you mad? Just…. just trust me?” Neil asks voice pleading.

“You’re keeping secrets and you want me to trust you?!” He shouts slamming his fist on the center console and sees Neil’s body language switch.

“Andrew, let me out of the car,” Neil says and it angers Andrew even more that Neil's voice sounds wrong.

“Why? Do you need to make another call to whoever you’re keeping this secret with?” Andrew demands.

“Andrew, pull over and let me out or I will just tuck and roll.” Neil returns and this time his voice has a tremor in it.

Fuck.

Neil does not handle being trapped in a car well. He handles any sort of threatened violence in a car even worse. If Andrew doesn’t let Neil out right now, then Neil will jump out and run.

He cuts off a car as he pulls over to the side but hardly pays it any attention as Neil hastily undoes his seatbelt and opens the car door.

“Neil-“

Neil slams the door shut and he sees Neil take in frantic breaths before he turns and runs back towards Eden’s.

Andrew closes his eyes, “Fuck.” He grits out and won’t let himself feel regret. Neil had been smiling, his shoulders loose and relaxed. Nothing about this secret seemed dangerous other than Andrew not knowing what it was.

He cuts a third car off to get back on the road and get the car parked. He rushes to Eden’s and one of the bouncers recognizes him and just waves him in.

He finds his group at one of their usual tables. Aaron and Nicky are discussing something while Kevin and Neil looked at something on Kevin’s phone and talking in rapid French. Neil sees his approach but looks away and back to Kevin’s phone when Kevin puts an arm around his shoulders to pull him closer.

“Oh cool, Andrew go work your magic on Roland and get us some drinks!” Nicky says the second person to recognize that Andrew had arrived. “I’m feeling fruity tonight!” He yells making a kissy face at a passing guy.

Andrew wants to tell them to go get their own drinks, and wants to kick them all away from the table so that he can talk to Neil but then Neil pipes up, “That actually sounds kind of good.” Neil says looking at Nicky.

Kevin and Aaron both just want their usual drinks/shots, but Andrew takes Neil’s comment and decides that if he’s messed up then he should at least bring a peace offering. So, he goes to the bar without further comment and hates that he wants Neil to come with him.

He hates it even more that Neil stays next to Kevin, under the other Striker’s arm.

It’s not crazy busy tonight but it’s busy enough that it takes Roland a minute to see him and come over. “Hey there Andrew, your usual tonight?” He asks.

Andrew nods, “Nicky wants something fruity, dealers choice.” He says and grabs the drink menu to see if what he wants for Neil is still available, it’d been ages since he’d looked at the menu here, but he wants to see if anything new had been added that might suit Neil’s taste more.

“Looking for something?” Roland asks.

He ignores Roland’s question and continues to flip through the drink menu. He sees Roland shrug before he continues loading up the tray and sees him put Neil’s customary bottled water down first.

His eyes land on the fact that the daiquiris can be normal or Deluxe with a puree swirled in for extra flavor “Neil is having a Strawberry Daiquiri, make it special.” He says and grabs the water bottle off of the tray to put behind the bar. He notices that Roland’s hands come to a stop.

“You want it special?” He asks and his voice sounds off but…

Andrew’s eyes had drifted towards Neil and Kevin at the table as he put the menu back.

“Extra special. We…had a fight.” He says watching as Neil laughs at something Kevin says. Neil loves strawberries and Neil worked up a little bit of a sweat running here from where he’d left Andrew’s car.

Neil would appreciate a cold drink.

“Alright,” Roland says and Andrew continues to watch Neil talk with Kevin.

Kevin and Neil’s friendship was something that Andrew struggles to not feel weird about. He’d spoken with Kevin about it, not that he was bothered but that he’d noticed, and Kevin had explained it as best he could. Had talked about he now he realized that there were a lot of problems with how the Ravens ran their team, but he had never hated feeling part of a pair.

“I’m not replacing Riko with Neil. I just feel like the relationship I have with Neil is everything I should have had with Riko if we’d really been brothers.” Kevin had said into the silence of their dorm at 4 AM as he held the bottle that Neil still hadn’t noticed he had taken.

Andrew won’t fault Kevin for wanting that.

Not when every day Andrew realizes that Neil is becoming far less of just a want and far more of a need.

That revelation only makes him more anxious.

Andrew needed to take slow escalating steps to be able to hold Neil in bed and not have a panic attack. Neil had slept on Kevin without any fear that he’d wake up with a knife to his throat or a fist in his stomach.

(Andrew ignores the fact that Neil hadn’t blamed his reactions once. Neil had been happy to crawl into bed every night with the chance that he’d get hurt. “I know you didn’t mean it and it makes me feel happy and safe when you let me sleep with you.” Neil had said and had never looked twice at Kevin’s bed since his head had healed and even less once Andrew had offered his own as an option.)

Andrew hadn’t been able to dance with Neil at the Fall Banquet and Andrew still felt uncomfortable with PDA. Kevin had gotten to dance with Neil for everyone to see and had been so affectionate that the media had hounded them for weeks about a relationship.

(Andrew ignores the fact that Neil had danced with him on the roof at the hotel. Had laughed and laughed when Andrew had attempted to dip him and had dropped him before asking that they try again, always happy to try again after a failure. That Neil accepts the touches that Kevin gives him but asked for whatever Andrew could give in public or in private.)

Andrew hadn’t realized that Neil’s scars had ached, had found comfort in them, and had used them to ground himself more than once. Kevin had recognized it on the first real touch, watched Neil and had seen that he was in pain, had done the legwork for how to treat it, had done the agonizing iniial work, and now Neil's scars feel so much better under his fingertips and Neil moves so fluidly now that even the other Foxes had commented on it.

(Andrew ignores the fact that Neil hadn’t even known that his scars were an issue. Now that Kevin had done that initial working to unadhere the scars it was almost always Andrew who did the maintenance. That Neil melts under his hands and has admitted that he likes it when Andrew touches him like that, how safe he feels when it's Andrew taking care of him.)

Andrew hadn’t been able to get Neil to go to Betsy to talk about not only the two rounds of torture he’d endured in a year but also the lifelong torture and trauma he’d been subject to. Kevin had been the one that forced the issue to the point that Neil had finally agreed and now Neil sees Betsy every Wednesday morning after practice. How Kevin heard every worst story at the same time that Andrew had heard them, how one of Neil’s worst scars is from shielding Kevin.

(Andrew ignores the fact that Neil scheduled it that way because he’d needed Andrew to come with him. Needed the security of Andrew’s presence to talk about what Mary, Nathan, Lola, Riko, and countless others had put him through and done to him. How Neil waits for him to finish his sessions and the two of them will just sit in the Maserati, glad that even after everything awful in their lives they have one another.)

Andrew doesn’t know what this secret is, but Kevin does. Kevin always seems to know Neil’s secrets before Andrew, and he can’t be trusted to tell Andrew when those secrets will kill Neil.

Neil doesn’t swing but he swings for Andrew. Andrew has no idea what he’d done to inspire Neil to swing so it wasn’t impossible that Kevin could stumble into whatever set of conditions had Neil swing.

His thoughts are interrupted as Roland puts the last drink on the tray, “There you go. Be careful.” Roland says and Andrew rolls his eyes. He’s more than used to bringing a full tray across the dance floor no matter how many people are on it.

He sets the tray down and slaps Nicky’s hand away from the daiquiri. “That’s for Neil.” He says and puts Nicky’s own fruity drink in front of him.

“This is for me?” He asks looking at the frozen drink.

“Yes. It’s special.” He says and tries not to blush at the smile that Neil gives him.

Good.

Neil slides out from under Kevin’s arm and closer to where Andrew sits.

Andrew’s anxiety lessens.

Aaron and Nicky down their drinks and shots rapidly and make their way out to the dance floor. Kevin and Neil finish up their conversation in French and Kevin takes three of his shots before starting to ask Andrew about their shared classes for next semester

Andrew couldn’t give a shit about the classes he’s sharing with Kevin for next semester, but he does enjoy that without Kevin’s attention on him, Neil takes a sip of his Daiquiri. When Neil takes a tentative first sip, he feels better when Neil smiles at the flavor, fruit is always a safe bet with Neil, and Andrew watches as he takes another larger sip.

His eyes drift to Kevin who had just asked him a question about the professor in one of their classes who Andrew has suffered through before.

Neil is quiet as they talk, seemingly busy enjoying his drink and listening to Kevin and Andrew talk about their classes and the shithead professor they’re going to have to deal with next semester. Neil must have liked the drink because it’s empty quickly and he’s getting up, “Bathroom.” He says and Andrew watches as Neil walks away and towards the bathrooms.

He continues to talk to Kevin for a few more minutes before their conversation ends and Kevin slides away from the table to go dance for a bit.

A couple of minutes turn into ten and Neil is not back at the table yet.

Anxiety swirls anew in Andrew’s stomach.

He looks across the dancefloor and finds Aaron and Nicky easily enough but does not see Kevin or Neil.

He heads to the bathrooms but does not see either of them there.

He comes back out to the dancefloor.

Andrew’s heart is hammering in his chest as he tries to catch sight of either of them.

They should not be this hard to spot in the club even with all of the moving bodies. Kevin is usually visible just due to his sheer height and sloppy drunken movements. Andrew can spot Neil anywhere because no one else looks like Neil. Andrew has Neil’s exact coloring in any light memorized for easy finding.

Despite that, he can’t see either of them.

His earlier thoughts fill his head, and he wonders if they’re in a backroom.

He hurries over to the bar and Roland offers him an awkward smile that has Andrew’s stomach twist. “Do you know where Kevin or Neil are?” he asks.

“I saw tall, dark, sloppy, and handsome carrying Neil out of here like three minutes ago.” Roland says and there’s a fierce stab of icy betrayal in Andrew’s chest, “I wish you guys would just talk properly instead of using my ‘special’ drinks.” He says and suddenly there’s a far worse coldness blowing through him.

“What do you mean?” Andrew hears himself ask.

Roland looks at him with obvious disappointment, “I thought you and Neil were past the point where you’d ask me to put something in his drink to get answers out of him. I don’t think it’s good for his health or the health of your relationship.” Roland says.

The floor drops out from under Andrew.

“When the hell did I ask you to do that?!” he demands and Roland throws his hands up in exasperation and he looks irritated.

“You told me to make Neil’s drink Special!” Roland shouts back.

A memory of a very different night at this club fills Andrew’s mind and he feels like he’s going to vomit.

Special used to mean something else when he ordered a drink with Roland. It didn’t mean that he wanted to do something nice.

He leaves Roland behind, and he’ll deal with all of that later. He rushes outside of the bar taking the steps two at a time before he sees the same bouncer who had let him in before.

“Dillon,” he grabs the bouncer’s attention, “have you seen Kevin or Neil?” he asks and Dillon nods distractedly as he checks an ID, “Where are they?” he demands.

Dillon gestures toward where the taxis were waiting, “They got into a cab a minute ago. No idea where they went.” He answers and Andrew feels as if he’s spiraling.

He pulls out his phone and dials Neil’s phone.

It goes to voicemail.

He turns away from the club and starts to run back to where he parked as he dials Kevin’s phone.

It goes to voicemail.

He texts Nicky that he’ll pick Aaron and Nicky up and all he gets back is a winky face and a thumbs-up emoji.

He tries calling Kevin again, but it goes to voicemail again. He gets to his car and he is panting from the exertion of having run all the way there and proceeds to speed the entire way back to the house.

He barely manages to get the keys in the door with how badly his hands are shaking.

It’s completely dark.

There’s not a single sign that anyone has returned since they left for the evening. Andrew wonders if maybe he overtook the taxi in his frantic speeding. He thinks about the distance and sits on the front porch dialing Kevin and Neil’s numbers over and over and over again until it’s obvious that wherever Kevin and Neil went, it wasn’t home.

He curses because he has no idea where to even start looking. He doesn’t think that Kevin would have a taxi driver take them all the way back to Palmetto. Neil has to be completely out of it at this point. Kevin would want to get Neil somewhere safe and considering that Kevin hadn’t taken Neil to the house he didn’t think Andrew was safe for Neil right then.

He calls Kevin again but this time it picks up on the fourth ring, “Kevin-“

“I can’t believe you would drug Neil again!” Kevin hisses through the phone and confirms Andrew’s fear.

“Where are you?” Andrew demands because he needs to be there, needs to keep Neil safe, and needs Neil to know that this was a whole fucked up and stupid accident.

“No!” Kevin’s voice is sharp and angry in a way that Andrew had never heard it before. “You drug Neil and then you let him go off alone?! You didn’t even do that when you thought he was a threat!” Kevin yells and Andrew recoils realizing that anything could have happened to Neil when he’s incapacitated by date-rape drugs.

“Kevin-“

“Neil told me that you're mad at him! That you yelled at him in the car because he's keeping a secret from you!" Kevin spits and Andrew now knows that Kevin had wrapped his arm around Neil intentionally back at the table. "You wanna know what the big secret that Neil’s hiding is? He’s doing some translating jobs for his uncle and tutoring one of his cousins for some extra money because he wants to buy you something with money that he’s earned for Christmas!” Kevin yells and there’s a sound as miserable as Andrew feels on the other end of the phone.

He hears Kevin toss the phone aside, but Kevin doesn’t hang up, “Neil c’mon it’s okay. Get it out.” He hears Kevin’s voice going infinitely gentle and the sound of Neil vomiting. Andrew aches to be next to Neil as he heard Neil sob and retch.

It’s a horrible two minutes of listening and being unable to do anything to help, to soothe, to make it better.

He almost drops his phone when Kevin’s furious voice came back on the line, “What the hell did you give him?! He’s puking blood!” he screams.

Andrew goes cold in fear.

He feels his emotions start to overtake him but he forces himself to stay calm to try and look at this rationally.

“Is it blood, or is it just red?” Andrew asks and he hates that there’s a tremor in his voice.

There’s a pause.

“It’s…it’s just red,” Kevin says, and Andrew lets out a shaky sigh of relief.

“I gave him a strawberry daiquiri because he said,” Andrew swallows his throat dry with anxiety, “He said something fruity sounded good. It was fruity and it barely tastes like alcohol.” His voice shakes, “I told Roland to make it special because there’s a Deluxe Daiquiri where they use real fruit puree. I had upset Neil in the car earlier, I wanted to…do something nice but…I said special and Roland thought I meant…” He swallows thickly and can’t even bring himself to say it. “Kevin where are you?” he asks and decides that he’s not above begging for this answer.

“You…you’re saying it was an accident?” Kevin asks.

“I did not intend for Roland to drug Neil again. Kevin,” he pauses and takes a deep breath. He hates this but the idea of being away from Neil because Kevin doesn’t believe him is far worse, “pl-ple-“

“The shitty Super 8 motel off of Main. Room 205.” Kevin interrupts and Andrew is so grateful that Kevin didn’t make him say it. “Bring a first aid kit.” He says and Andrew aches that either Neil or Kevin needs one.

“Keep him safe.” He says instead.

“Of course,” Kevin replies and hangs up.

***

Andrew stops by a CVS and buys the best first aid kit he could find there. He grabs a 24-pack of water and Neil’s favorite protein bars and preferred mouthwash. He doesn’t look at the price and doesn’t take in the concerned face of the clerk who checks him out.

He gets to the motel, and he lugs everything up to room 205. He knocks twice and the door opens. Kevin is standing there looking unsure and unmoored. He’s sure that Kevin’s anger at what he believed Andrew had done to Neil is what had driven all of his actions. The knowledge that Andrew hadn’t intended for any of that to happen leaves him bereft.

He hands Kevin the water.

Kevin nods and takes it with renewed purpose.

Neil is curled up in the bed the farthest from the door. His back is to the door, but Andrew can see his shoulders shaking.

Andrew suddenly feels like his feet are nailed to the heinous motel carpet but Kevin strides forward, puts the 24-pack of water on the ground, and pulls one out.

Kevin goes over to Neil and carefully touches his shoulder, “Neil,” he says, and Neil makes a tiny miserable noise, “Sit up and try and drink this water.” He helps Neil move into a sitting position.

“Where’d…” Neil asks dazedly, and his voice sounds rough.

“Andrew brought it,” Kevin answers and Andrew watches as Neil goes completely stiff and slaps the open water bottle out of Kevin’s hand. “Neil?” Kevin asks.

Neil curls up again and his breathing is ragged. “Please… Please…I don’t want anymore…I-I-!”

Neil’s ‘please’ hurts Andrew’s ears more than anything and the knowledge that Neil was so panicked by a drink that Andrew brought feels like a physical blow. “Neil, I’m going to grab an unopened one, I promise it’s not drugged.” Kevin's voice is gentle and Andrew hates sitting here as a spectator but knows that his presence will hurt more than it’ll help right now.

Kevin grabs another bottle of water and Neil’s shoulders are tense as Kevin twists the cap off in front of Neil. Neil’s shoulders relax when he hears the sound of the seal breaking off the cap.

Kevin helps him down the entire first water bottle and then repeats it for the second.

“Neil, are you okay to see Andrew now?” Kevin asks.

Neil tenses again.

“He’s mad at me.” Neil whispers in a tight voice and Andrew can hear the fear, “Don’t… leave me?” he pleads.

“I won’t,” Kevin promises and Neil nods.

Andrew had wanted to have this conversation alone but knows that he’d have better luck splitting an atom with his bare hands than removing Kevin from Neil’s side right now. Splitting an atom would do less damage than removing Kevin from Neil.

Neil has never once been afraid of Andrew, but he is right now. Andrew hates that it hurts this bad. Andrew hates it even more that he is not the one that Neil is clinging to.

“I won’t leave until Neil asks me to,” Kevin says and Andrew wonders where the steel in Kevin’s spine came from now. Kevin, more than anyone, remembers what happened the last time he’d been between Andrew and Neil. Kevin, more than anyone, knows that not even armed FBI agents had been enough to stop Andrew from getting to an injured Neil.

Kevin stays and Andrew hopes that Kevin continues to be this worthy of Neil’s trust.

Kevin helps Neil turn around and Neil clings to Kevin.

Neil looks washed out which only makes his puffy red eyes all the more apparent. There are bruises on Neil’s neck and face that Andrew desperately wants to know the origins of but that can wait.

Andrew moves forward and kneels in front of Neil finally finding the spot he should be in the room. He wants to reach for Neil but won’t just yet, “Neil, I-“

“’m sorry…” Neil mumbles as if completing Andrew’s sentence for him.

If Neil’s previous plea for Kevin to stay had been a slap, then Neil’s apology feels as if Andrew has been stabbed. “I’m really sorry… wanted…wanted to surprise you…’m sorry.” Neil repeats.

He sees Kevin’s arm tighten around Neil.

Andrew thinks he’s going to be sick, but he forces his voice to be gentle, “Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong.” He pulls on all of his newfound gentleness, but it must not be enough as Neil’s face still twists.

“…mad at me…” Neil says, and his voice takes on the tight quality that means that he was moments away from crying. Neil’s iron-clad control over his emotions was being ripped away from him because of the drugs and it’s Andrew’s fault, “…so mad at me…drugged me again…punishing me…you promised.” Neil’s voice cracks and Andrew has to watch as tears spill out of Neil’s eyes.

“Neil, Neil don’t cry.” Andrew feels panic course through his veins. He wants to touch Neil’s cheeks, wants to soothe and wipe away the tears. His hands itch to touch Neil but Neil hiccups and buries his face into Kevin’s chest.

He looks at Kevin and the other striker seems just as unsure and scared as Andrew felt. Neil was too out of it from the drugs to understand anything at this point. Neil believes that Andrew drugged him as punishment, leaving him to get possibly hurt as further punishment for not giving Andrew something he wants.

Neil couldn’t seem to catch his breath as he sobbed against Kevin’s chest, and it was apparent that Kevin had no idea what he should do to comfort Neil. Kevin was notoriously bad at comforting people and had always left the comforting to others. Kevin had always been the one who had been comforted and Andrew can see him going through the more sober instances of being comforted to find inspiration.

“Neil, can I rub your back?” Kevin asks instead of just doing it.

Neil nods, his face still buried into Kevin’s chest and one of Kevin’s hands starts to run along Neil’s back awkwardly. “It’s going to be okay Neil. No one is mad at you, least of all Andrew.” He tries but it seems like a bad move as Neil shakes his head rapidly in the negative.

His own drugged state was all the evidence Neil would take that Andrew was mad at him.

“Neil, Kevin is right.” He says and the words taste wrong in his mouth, he’s spent so much time saying the opposite. “I’m not mad. I swear, I’m not mad at you at all.” He says but Neil just continues to shake his head in the negative. “Neil, can I hold your hand?” he tries.

“Please…I’m sorry…so sorry…I won’t do it again…forgive me, Andrew…. forgive me.” Neil sobs his hands clutching onto Kevin’s shirt so tightly that his knuckles are white and bloodless, “I’m sorry…don’t be mad at me anymore…I’m sorry.” Neil begs and can’t get in enough oxygen.

“Neil, Neil you have to breathe.” Kevin tries but Neil’s breathing only grows more panicked.

Andrew reaches without thinking but Neil’s whole body flinches as he fully buries himself in Kevin’s chest, scared of Andrew’s touch.

Andrew brings his hand back and would have preferred to have been burned alive than see Neil scared of his touch.

“Grab…grab the back of his neck,” Andrew instructs and Kevin follows his instructions clumsily but soon enough Kevin’s large hand clamps around the back of Neil’s neck.

Neil gasps like it’s his first full breath of air in hours.

Then, Neil goes limp under Kevin’s hand. “Neil?” Kevin tries but Neil doesn’t respond.

Kevin pulls away from Neil slowly, but the other Striker does not fight him. Neil’s eyes are slightly open, but Neil’s mind is miles and miles away. Kevin must recognize it as well because all he does is smooth one of his hands over Neil’s eyes so that they close fully. 

Neil dissociating as a coping mechanism was rare, and it was always unpleasant for Andrew. The fact that this time Neil is running from his mind and body because of something Andrew had done to him is absolute agony.

“I think,” Kevin says as Neil hangs limply in his arms, “that this needs to wait until tomorrow,” Kevin adds.

“Then we’ll head back-“

“No.” Kevin’s voice is as firm as his hold on Neil, “Neil and I are going to spend the night here. I don’t think he’d respond well to being moved again.” Kevin says and Andrew wonders what the cab ride over had been like.

“I need to pick up Aaron and Nicky from Eden’s, drop them at home, and then I will be back.” Andrew grits out because he won’t push any possible further discomfort onto Neil at this point.

“Okay. The key to the room is on the bedside table behind you.” Kevin says and Andrew is grateful that Kevin doesn’t fight him about Andrew coming back or staying.

“Okay.”

Andrew takes the room key.

He'll be back.

***

He just parks in an open employee space when he gets to Eden’s. Nicky and Aaron are trashed, and he has to carry them to the Maserati. With no one around to moderate their drinking the two tend to go all out.

The only upside is that they’re both too obliterated to ask about Neil and Kevin’s absence. Andrew does enough to get them into the house and into their beds in the recovery position.

He’s back in the Maserati but he can’t go back to the motel quite yet.

Neil was scared of him.

Andrew doesn’t know how he’s going to fix this.

Doesn’t know if he can fix this.

He tries to tell himself that Neil was not in his right mind at the moment. Tries to tell himself that once the drugs clear from Neil’s system then he can have a far more productive conversation with him.

Neil’s brain is caught in a spiral and this time Andrew can’t help him.

Andrew pulls up to a McDonalds and orders a black coffee.

He chooses to be thankful that at least Neil had asked for help from someone else. Neil had kept his promise that he would not let Andrew become like Drake. When Neil had thought Andrew had crossed a line he’d gone and gotten help.

It shouldn’t comfort Andrew, but it does.

He gets his coffee and makes his way back to the motel.

When he enters the room, the lamp is on.

Neil and Kevin are curled up together on the nearer bed. The farther bed was still wet from Neil having slapped away the first water bottle. Neil’s face is pressed into Kevin’s shirt again but his grip on Kevin’s shirt is far looser than the white knuckle grip he’d had earlier. His breathing is even, and his eyes are properly closed so Neil either came back from his dissociative episode while Andrew was gone or had just drifted to sleep still dissociating.

Kevin’s face is buried in Neil’s hair, and he’s curled around the shorter striker protectively with his arm pillowing Neil’s head and holding onto the back of Neil’s neck while the other was thrown over Neil’s body and hugging him close.

Neil’s sleep seemed uneasy, and Andrew’s fingers ache to touch him but would not.

He does something useful instead.

He grabs the foul-smelling garbage bin and empties the strawberry-red contents into the toilet and does his best to rinse it out in the tub. He brings it back and puts it near Neil just in case Neil needs it during the night.

Neil starts to mumble in his sleep, twisting in the way that he does when his dreams are going down a bad path. Again, Andrew’s fingers itch but he won’t touch Neil when Neil had so visibly retreated from him earlier.

It’s Kevin’s hand that comes up from Neil’s neck and pats his cheek unconsciously, “…’s okay Neil…” he mumbles.

Neil settles again and Kevin’s hand does not go back to Neil’s neck.

His eyes fall on a few new and terrible puzzle pieces to this shitshow of an evening.

Kevin’s right hand has bandages wrapped around it.

He thinks back to earlier and Kevin’s knuckles had been bruised and bloodied but Andrew hadn’t paid attention to it at the time. He had been too desperate to try and have Neil understand.

Kevin had punched someone.

He remembers the bruises on Neil’s face but knows that Neil would not be clinging so tightly to Kevin if Kevin had hurt Neil.

‘You drug Neil and then you let him go off alone?!’

Kevin’s earlier angry words rang in his head.

What if Kevin hadn’t been angry at the possibility of what could have happened? What if Kevin had been angry about something that already had?

He looks at the bruise on Neil’s neck and even in the terrible lighting, he can see the bruise is a hickey. A hickey with teeth marks. He looks closer and Neil’s lips are bruised from kisses Andrew hadn’t put there.

Someone had touched Neil.

Someone had touched Neil and Neil thought that he was being punished by Andrew.

His heart hammers in his chest and he wants to shake Kevin awake. He needs names and faces. He needs to bring them before Neil and make it clear that none of this had been Andrew’s intention.

But he doesn’t.

He sits on the dry part of the other bed and sips his coffee.

He waits.

***

Unsurprisingly, Kevin wakes up before Neil does.

Kevin always woke up within 10 minutes of when his alarm was supposed to go off.

He isn’t expecting Kevin to let out a soft curse before carefully extracting himself from Neil’s hold. Kevin replaces himself with a shitty motel pillow like Neil is a pressure plate in an Indiana Jones movie.

He sits up and grabs his phone. “I need to text coach.” He says.

Andrew raises an eyebrow.

“Before,” Kevin swallows as he types, “I asked him to come to pick Neil and me up and take us back to Palmetto.” He explains. “He doesn’t need to rush anymore.” He says.

Andrew frowns.

“You still want him to come?” he asks.

Kevin pointedly looks down at where Neil is, “I want Neil to have the option and I want to go so Abby can check my hand.” Kevin held up his wrapped hand.

An opening.

“What happened?” he asks.

Kevin’s jaw visibly works as he considers what he should say to Andrew.

Andrew hopes, for Kevin’s sake, that it’s the truth.

“Three guys took advantage of Neil last night when he was out of it. They were kissing him, and he was trying to get away.” Kevin says and Andrew feels bile rise in his throat, “They had his shirt unbuttoned and were working on his pants, but I kicked their asses before they could.” He says before his gaze locked on Andrew, “If you had meant to drug Neil last night, I was going to kick your ass too.” He threatens and if Andrew didn’t feel so sick, he’d be proud.

Kevin had protected Neil, had risked his good hand to do it, and was threatening Andrew.

Andrew wants to be sick. His inattention had caused this, he’d let his anxieties put Neil in a place where his ‘no’ hadn’t mattered.

Neil grumbles from his spot on the bed, “Ugh, my head.” Neil groans and Andrew was glad to have already prepared a bottle of water and ibuprofen that he hands to Kevin. Except Neil wasn’t awake for more than half a minute before he is rushing to the bathroom and vomiting into the toilet.

Kevin sighs and rises up to follow Neil but Andrew stops him as he digs through his purchases from the night before. "Rub his back," he says handing Kevin the nearly forgotten mouthwash he'd purchased the night before. Kevin nods just once, accepts the mouthwash, and heads into the bathroom where Neil is still puking

Andrew spends the next twenty minutes listening to the sound of Neil being sick and being able to do absolutely nothing about it.

It was hell.

Neil emerges from the bathroom pale and shaky. He takes in the sight of Andrew on the far side of the room and this time he doesn't flinch or move away from him like he had the night before. He doesn't sit next to Andrew either though.

Neil carefully takes a seat on the bed across from Andrew and Kevin wastes no time sitting next to Neil or putting an arm around Neil's shoulders.

“I want Kevin here.” He says quietly and Andrew won’t begrudge whatever comfort Neil needs right now.

He looks green and unwell and like he wants to run but Neil stays and looks at Andrew tiredly.

“That’s fine.” Andrew agrees verbally and watches as Neil’s shoulders loosen slightly under Kevin's arm.

“I don’t…remember a lot of last night.” Neil starts and his voice is rough from crying and puking. “Just…flashes after you told me that you’d gotten that drink for me special. You…you promised me that you’d never drug me again.” Neil says voice tight, “I-I know you’re mad at me for keeping secrets but-“

“I’m not mad at you.” Andrew interrupts and Neil startles. “I’m not mad at you and I did not mean for there to be drugs in your drink.” He says.

“But…you said…and in the car..” Neil tries to understand but his brain is not running at full capacity at the moment and Andrew can accept that from Neil’s point of view every part of last night looks terrible. "Did someone put something in it when you weren't paying attention?" Neil asks.

Andrew works his jaw, "No, I ordered the drink from Roland and he put drugs in it because I told him to make it Special." Andrew says.

Neil's shoulders tense and his eyes look so hurt that it's like a blow to Andrew, "You broke a promise to-"

"I wanted to order the Deluxe Daiquiri." Andrew stops Neil before he can get too far down this line of thought. "It uses real fruit and tastes better than the standard Daquiri. What I said to Roland was that I wanted the Daiquiri and to make it special, to make it extra special. Before..." Andrew swallows thickly but keeps his eyes on Neil as he explains because he needs Neil to understand, "Before, when I ordered a drink from Roland and told him to make it Special that meant that I wanted it laced with drugs." Andrew explains.

He hates that it was something that he used to do with regularity. He knows there’s a lot that he’d handle differently if he’d been sober when he had first met Neil and that first weekend in Columbia was high on the list.

“I wanted to apologize for how I’d acted in the car. Whatever secret you’re keeping I need to trust that it’s not dangerous to you. I thought you’d like it, and it could be a peace offering.” Andrew closes his eyes because he can't take staring at Neil any longer, his anxiety and fear for how Neil will react.

He hates feeling like this.

Hates that he does regret last night.

It was careless of him in a way that Andrew never let himself be, especially about Neil and his safety.

“I’m sorry Neil.” He says and he knows the words are useless, but Andrew needs Neil to believe them.

Neil has to believe them because if he doesn’t then Andrew will lose Neil and he’s terrified of that. He’s terrified Neil won’t believe him, and they’ll be back to square one if he's lucky. Andrew is never lucky and there's the real possibility that there will never be a square for Andrew and Neil's relationship ever again, that Neil will never accept his apology and never trust Andrew again.

What if Neil has already burned his bat and will never swing for Andrew again?

He doesn’t know if he can go back to his life before Neil. He wants the easy touches, the trust, and the affection. He wants to be able to be soft with someone and to have someone treat him softly. He needs Neil now and Andrew doesn’t know what he’ll do if Neil stays away.

“Okay.” Neil’s voice is soft and rips Andrew out of his panic. Andrew opens his eyes and Neil has moved from where he had been seated on the other bed to kneeling in front of Andrew. “I believe you Andrew and I forgive you,” Neil says and Andrew feels relief flood his entire system.

He offers his hands, and everything settles back to where it belongs when Neil takes them willingly and laces their fingers together.

Kevin’s right there but Andrew couldn’t care less.

He pulls on Neil’s hands and Neil rises up willingly and lets Andrew pull him into Andrew’s lap. He lets go of Neil’s hands one at a time to wrap his arms around Neil, irrationally worried that if he released Neil completely that Neil would disappear along with his forgiveness.

“I’m sorry that I thought you drugged me on purpose last night,” Neil says against his neck and Andrew cradles his head there.

“Shut up.” He says but can’t put any heat into it. “Thank you for forgiving me.” He buries his own face into Neil’s hair because Neil’s not allowed to apologize for any part of last night.

Neil hums against his neck and Andrew bends his own head around to kiss Neil’s neck but feels Neil flinch and Andrew stiffens, “Sorry, that hurt for some reason….” Neil mumbles.

Dread pools in Andrew’s stomach and when he pulls away there was the damning hickey that some monster had left on Neil’s neck. He looks to Kevin who seems to be steeling himself, “Neil,” Kevin speaks up and Andrew feels his eyes widen, “before I could grab you last night some guys were…” Kevin trails off and Andrew can see Kevin desperately searching for an ounce of delicacy in his 6-foot frame to explain what had happened.

“What, did I get into a fight?” Neil asks as he starts pulling away from Andrew to look at Kevin. Andrew is close enough now to see the other small bruises on Neil’s neck, “I thought the drugs just made me sore.” Neil says.

“No,” Kevin shakes his head, “well… you were fighting them but that’s because they were kissing you,” Kevin explains and Andrew feels Neil go stiff in his lap. “They had your shirt unbuttoned and were trying to get at your pants. I beat them up and got you away from them.” Kevin finishes and Andrew knows that he’s trying to sound as clinical as possible for Neil’s benefit.

Neil is quiet for a long moment, “So that’s how you hurt your hand? How is it?” he asks and the attempt to deflect is so obvious that it hurts.

“Yes, and my hand should be fine. I know what it feels like when something is wrong.” Kevin answers, “How are you feeling?” he asks.

Neil takes a long moment before he presses his face back into Andrew’s neck, “I don’t like that it happened, but I don’t remember any of it.” Neil says and his discomfort at admitting that is obvious. “I don’t like that they saw my chest and my scars there,” Neil adds in a voice smaller than Andrew ever wanted to hear again.

“Kevin,” he holds Neil close and presses Neil’s face fully into his neck, “do you remember their faces?” Andrew asks and Kevin rolls his eyes.

“I took a picture before I kicked their asses.” Kevin pulls his phone up and shows the image to Andrew, “It’s only if any of them tried to do anything legally so that I would have evidence.” He adds as if Kevin would have ever taken that picture for any other reason.

Andrew’s eyes take in Neil first, his eyes always drawn to his Junkie.

Neil looks completely out of it, his nose bloodied, a bite mark around his nipple and on his neck. He sees hands touching places that they had no permission to touch, and Andrew can’t help but think that it’s probably for the best that Neil does not remember. It might even be better that Kevin was the one who came across this scene.

Andrew would have never taken a picture for evidence but he would have killed the three men if he'd come and seen Neil looking like that.

Neil tries to turn to look but Andrew keeps his face tucked into his neck  and kisses the top of his head. “Don’t look. You don’t need to see.” He says.

Andrew will take care of this.

He shifts his gaze from Neil to his attackers and memorizes their faces the same way that he memorizes any other threat to what is his.

He looks at Kevin and knows that he isn’t alone. Knows that he’ll have an alibi and an extra hand in digging three graves.

“I’m still tired,” Neil mumbles against Andrew’s shoulder.

He presses his nose into Neil’s hair and takes a deep breath. Neil smells more like puke and sweat than anything else but it doesn’t matter to Andrew right then. “You can sleep, I’ll take care of you.” He says.

“Coach texted and said he’d be here in an hour. You don’t have to wait for me.” Kevin says with a yawn.

“We’ll stay until he gets here.” He says and feels Neil drop off against him. Andrew adjusts him in his arms and Kevin looks at Neil amusedly.

“Just get him back home and let him sleep. It was a tough night.” Kevin says reaching out and ruffling Neil’s hair.

“Thank you, Kevin.” He says and watches as Kevin goes very still, his eyes wide as he looks at Andrew. “You kept up your end of the deal.” He adds.

Kevin’s mouth opens once, then closes, and opens a second time before he smiles and says, “I didn’t even remember our deal when I was doing it. I just wanted to protect Neil from everything.” He says.

Andrew swallows.

He wants to ask if Kevin knows how softly he’s looking at Neil.

Instead, he says, “I should have done better last night.” He holds Neil tighter.

“Neil is important to me too Andrew,” Kevin says removing his hand from Neil’s hair and smiling even softer when Neil makes a soft unconscious whine of complaint at the loss. Andrew brings his own hand up to rub at the back of Neil’s head. “You gotta talk with Roland about never spiking a drink again. This can't happen again." Kevin frowns but looks Andrew dead in the eye.

Andrew wonders if Kevin knows that nowadays he talks about Neil the same way he talks about Exy.

“I will.” Andrew agrees easily.

“Good.” Kevin nods.

They turn on the TV and watch an Exy game as Neil sleeps in Andrew’s arms. It feels a lot like back when their whole deal had started.

A little less than an hour later there’s a knock on the door and Kevin opens it for Wymack to come in with bags under his eyes but three bags of McDonalds breakfast. “I ate mine in the car, but you guys need something in your stomachs.” He says.

Neil is barely awake as he demolishes the fruit parfait Wymack had gotten him. His drugged sleep apparently not restful in the slightest. Kevin seems to actually enjoy his bland oatmeal and Andrew eats his hotcakes with as much syrup and butter as the coach had brought.

Neil finally takes the Ibuprofen that Andrew had gotten ready when he woke up. Wymack loads the water and first aid kit into the Maserati as Kevin turns in the key. Andrew carried Neil down since he currently seemed to lack the fine motor control necessary to climb down from a combination of the leftover drugs and his own exhaustion. Andrew deposits Neil into the Maserati carefully and buckles him in even as Neil sleepily tries to swat him away saying he could do it.

Neil falls asleep before Andrew even finishes adjusting his seatbelt.

Andrew gives Wymack and Kevin a final nod before setting off for their house. Neil dozes in the passenger seat and cuddles into Andrew’s chest when Andrew lifts him into his arms and carries him into the house.

It’s still hellishly early so neither Aaron nor Nicky are awake. The two were likely completely unaware of the turmoil of the night before. Andrew gets Neil to the bathroom and after a quick confirmation and runs to their room to grab clothes he turns on the shower.

For the first time, he is happy that the water heater at their house was shitty and took forever to heat up the water because it meant that Andrew didn’t have to worry about wasting hot water as he stripped Neil.

Andrew sits Neil down on the closed toilet lid, “Can I wash you?” Andrew asks.

Neil opens his eyes, “Yeah... feel gross.” He grumbles.

Andrew just nods and takes off Neil’s shoes and socks first tossing them into the hallway where he’d put them away properly later. Next, he takes off Neil’s armbands and sets them on the bathroom counter before he rubs his hands along Neil’s revealed arms.

They hadn’t done the scar maintenance the night before for obvious reasons, but Andrew would do it after Neil was cleaned off.

Neil’s hands were cold so Andrew pushes whatever heat he can into them as he briefly massages the meat of Neil’s palms. Next, he takes off Neil’s shirt and sees Kevin’s handiwork from earlier. There was a bandage over Neil’s left nipple where the bite mark he’d seen in the picture had been.

He’s careful as he removes the gauze and hates the way it comes away slightly bloodied. He’d rebandage it with Neosporin when they were out of the shower. “Does it hurt?” he asks and touches the injury with gentle fingers.

Neil opens his eyes looking mildly grumpy as he considers Andrew’s question, “Not…really… it’s more uncomfortable than it is painful.” Neil says and yawns widely, “Don’t even know why they’d want to keep touching me after seeing what my chest looked like.” He grumbles.

Andrew frowns, “It is never about what someone looks like. It’s always about control and them feeling powerful.” He reminds and Neil straightens up slightly.

“I know…sorry…I didn’t mean to- “

“No, do not apologize.” He shakes his head; he knows that Neil knows but he also knows that Neil doesn't always think of himself as someone deserving of the human decency afforded to almost anyone. He wants Neil to know that none of what happened had been his fault, and that no one got to take his consent away no matter what state he was in or what he looked like, “None of last night was your fault. Do you understand?” he asks as he presses his forehead to Neil’s and holds the back of his neck so he could stare Neil in his eyes.

Neil swallows thickly.

“Yeah.” He says.

“You talk to me or Betsy or Kevin if you start having a hard time remembering that.” He says.

Neil closes his eyes and smiles, “I think Kevin would die of awkwardness if I tried talking to him about this.” Neil laughs.

“He’d do it, he’d put up with it for you.” Andrew insists because Kevin has proven time and time again that he’d do a lot if it was for Neil.

“I know, but I couldn’t do it to him.” Neil smiles. “I’ll talk to you or Betsy.” He adds.

“Good.” He says and takes off Neil’s pants and underwear next.

Andrew strips off his own clothes aside from his boxer briefs. Neil leans heavily against him throughout the shower and Andrew relishes the opportunity to take care of Neil. He’s liked scrubbing Neil down ever since the first time he’d done it after Baltimore, he just prefers when it’s general life grime that he’s wiping away instead of bad nights.

He massages shampoo and conditioner into Neil’s hair, scrubs at Neil’s skin, and kisses his sleepy face as he washes it with the facial cleanser that Allison had bought Neil upon seeing the success (Andrew's success) with getting Neil to use specialized toiletries.

Neil is boneless when he pulls him out of the hot shower, so relaxed that not even the hair dryer startles him the way it usually does. His head keeps dipping into his chest as Andrew took care of rebandaging the bite mark on his chest and lets Andrew dress him without a comment.

He forces himself to be thorough when he takes care of Neil's scars even if all he wants is to get Neil into bed.

Andrew carries Neil back to their room and sets Neil on the bed with a promise that he’ll be back in just a minute. He goes back to the hallway and takes both sets of shoes to set them near the door and throws their laundry in the hamper to do tomorrow.

Neil is stubbornly staying awake waiting for him when he gets back and Andrew crawls into bed with Neil. He opens his arms in invitation, an invitation that no one besides Neil would ever receive.

Neil burrows into his chest and is out before Andrew finishes wrapping his arms around him. Andrew sighs contentedly as he lets himself drift off to sleep with Neil safe in his arms all his worries and concerns feeling distant with the smell of Neil's preferred shampoo in his nostrils.

***

They sleep for most of Saturday and Kevin must have texted Nicky and Aaron some of what happened because neither commented on how late Neil and Andrew slept or on Neil’s neck.

They spend the night in and order pizza for dinner. Neil drinks from sealed bottles the entire night and Andrew aches to have instilled this paranoia in Neil. He doesn’t let Neil out of his sight for longer than it takes Neil to go to the bathroom and he’s dreading Neil’s trip to go pick up whatever he’d made a deal to buy for Christmas on Sunday.

It’s Sunday morning when Neil asks again if he can use the Maserati and Andrew thinks he does an exceptional job at hiding how he feels when he says yes and hands over the keys.

Then Neil asks if he wants to come with him.

Andrew blinks.

“I thought you wanted to go alone?” Andrew reminds him wondering why Neil would have guarded the secret so closely just to let what he’s getting Andrew for Christmas spill.

“I couldn’t say it in the car but I’m picking up a gift for Kevin. He thinks I’m picking up your gift so if I said sure then he’d have picked up on it. Since he went back to campus he won’t know.” Neil says smiling.

Andrew blinks.

“Yeah, I’ll come.” He says and with that, he gets into the passenger seat of the Maserati.

Neil has always been a surprisingly excellent driver. He uses his turn signal, comes to complete stops, stays exactly in the center of the lane, and drives the Maserati so smoothly that Andrew almost drops off to sleep.

The only reason he doesn’t is that Neil removes one of his hands from the steering wheel, they were placed exactly at 10 and 2, and offers it to Andrew. Andrew hates how quickly he takes Neil’s hand and laces their fingers together, hates how comforting it is to have Neil’s larger hands interlocked with his own.

It takes around an hour and a half to reach the meeting point that Neil had made with this guy for Kevin’s gift.

It’s a bookshop café in a small town. Neil parks the Maserati in a parking structure and tells Andrew to wait. “I said I would come alone; I don’t want him to freak out,” Neil says before he runs down the stairs.

Neil had parked in a spot that lets Andrew watch as his Junkie exits the parking structure and heads across the street to a man who was seated outside of the book café. He looked all kinds of pretentious and puts the book on the table. He sees Neil pull out his wallet and hand the man some cash before the man waves him off and returns to his book.

Neil shrugs, takes Kevin’s gift, and runs back across the street to the parking structure.

Andrew settles himself back in the passenger seat before Neil comes back and calls into the driver’s seat. “Can you hold onto this?” he asks handing Andrew the book that he’d just driven an hour and a half for.

It was in Japanese, it was old and battered, but Andrew recognized it because he’d seen Kevin’s copy.

It was Kayleigh Day’s ‘All For The Game’. It was the book that Kayleigh and Tetsuji had written when they were creating Exy.

He opened the book and saw it was a first edition and it was signed.

It was signed only by Kayleigh Day.

Kayleigh Day had signed it with a little note.

Kevin was going to cry.

“I guess his jock older brother died recently,” Neil explains as they pull out of the sleepy downtown. “He wants to get rid of all of his Exy stuff for whatever reason. I didn’t ask that many questions,” he adds.

“How much did this cost?” he asks.

“Oh, well, I don’t think he knew how much it was worth.” Neil says awkwardly, “It was only 30 bucks but the gas to get here was way more expensive.” Neil adds.

“No point in me getting Kevin anything too nice this year,” Andrew says and closes the book.

Neil laughs.

Chapter Text

Andrew had gone to Eden’s before it opened and came in through the back where he knew Roland would be taking inventory. He had proceeded to have a very tense conversation with him where he made it clear that the man would never dose another drink. Roland had agreed, glad to hear that Andrew had truly moved past needing that precaution, and promised the next time Neil came in he’d make him something special for free.

Andrew had barely managed to stop himself from pulling a knife at the word.

“Don’t use that word around me or Neil anymore.” He hisses.

Andrew has never known how to handle Neil’s blanket ‘It’s always a Yes’ he had no idea how to handle Neil’s blanket forgiveness either.

Especially when Neil is still dealing with the aftermath of what Andrew had caused.

Neil had gone white when Nicky had brought out his special empanadas a week after he’d been drugged. Andrew remembers with horrible clarity how Neil’s hand had shaken when he’d reached for one at Nicky’s insistence, “You’ve gotta try them, Neil! I made them special for the family!” Nicky had pled.

Andrew had felt sick, but he’d reached out and he’d eaten the first bite of the one Neil had been reaching for before handing it over to him.

He felt worse when Neil had smiled at him so gratefully.

As if Andrew had done anything to be grateful for, as if Andrew hadn’t given Neil a complex over a damn word, as if Andrew hadn’t set Neil back a half dozen steps with eating.

Andrew isn’t worthy of Neil’s gratefulness or his forgiveness.

But he wants to be.

So, Andrew will take hundreds of thousands of first bites or first sips. He'll do it for any of the meals or drinks that make Neil hesitate. A sandwich from a cafeteria worker who took it out of Neil's sight. Gas station coffee from a less than fresh pot. A muffin from a barista who winks too suggestively. Any beverage from Roland.

He’ll do it until the heat death of the universe if it means he’ll never have to ever come back to the dorm and find four half consumed bottles of Neil’s favorite Gatorade as Neil tries to force himself to drink the fifth because he’d lost sight of it.

Neil still trusts everything that Andrew gives him, and he shouldn’t.

Neil trusts anything that Kevin gives him, and it shouldn’t upset Andrew because he should.

Neil’s shoulders relax when Andrew takes a bite of his sandwich, “I’m sorry you keep having to do this.” Neil says accepting the pastrami and swiss sandwich back from Andrew.

“Don’t apologize.” Andrew says.

“But I don’t want to inconvenience you…any more than I already do.” Neil says rubbing the scars on his arms.

As always, Neil is ignoring every little and big thing that Neil does for Andrew.

“Your comfort is worth any minor inconvenience, and you are worth any major inconvenience.” Andrew says.

He doesn’t say how Neil has filled his own life with Andrew’s inconveniences.

How Neil stood between Andrew and the rest of the world on his bad days. How Neil took every stumbling baby step towards recovery with Andrew without a single complaint. How on Andrew’s worst days he thinks about the future that Neil promises him, a happy future instead of the gray flatline Andrew’s life had been heading towards before Millport.

How it was Neil’s selfless care and affection for him that were helping him move past viewing his relationships as transactional.

How none of Neil’s own patience for Andrew’s inconveniences weighed into Andrew’s patience for Neil’s.

He’s not going to say that in the cafeteria where anyone could hear him and he didn’t have the vocabulary for what he wanted to say in Russian.

It’s bad enough that anyone else gets to see how Neil blushes at his declaration and worse still that anyone else can see Neil’s huge smile, dimples and all.

“Thank you, Andrew.” He says instead.

He wants to be worthy of that.

He will be.

Neil is continuing to work on his food and drink anxiety with Betsy and Andrew comes if only so that he can implement some of Betsy’s suggestions. He knows that Neil would rather brute force his way through any mental weakness or hang-up instead of any of the therapies Betsy suggests.

The winter banquet is almost painless.

Neil is in a new suit that Allison dragged him out to get by pleading that it was her last Banquet she’d get to dress him up for. He’s gorgeous when Allison releases him back as Andrew’s date.

It feels less like anxiety and more like a relationship thing when Neil offers him a bite of everything on his plate. It doesn’t feel like something messed up when Andrew takes a bite of a strawberry before offering the rest to Neil.

Kevin fusses when Neil doesn’t eat his vegetables, “This meal is already outside of the diet plan! Eat your veggies.” Kevin pleads and Andrew hates that Neil gives in and eats half of the carrots and string beans after Andrew eats the first bite. Kevin smiles and ruffles Neil’s hair, “Thank you.” He says before getting up to go talk to Jean at the Trojan table.

He feels better when Neil reveals the sleight of hand (mouth?) and he hasn’t eaten a single one.

“You have to eat one bite.” Andrew accuses, “I ate one.” He reminds.

Neil frowns and looks at the remaining vegetables before turning pleading eyes onto Andrew.

It doesn’t work.

Neil bites, chews, and swallows an entire forkful of vegetables in the pursuit of fairness for Andrew.

If Andrew and Neil slip away somewhere no one can see but where the music still reaches and spend some time dancing, then no needs to know.

They spend the bus ride home talking about how they’d handle the other one becoming a werewolf. Andrew wants Neil to lock him up but can’t fathom doing the same thing to Neil. Neil wants Andrew to muzzle him but goes white when Andrew tells him to do the same. They eventually decide that if one of them becomes a werewolf then the other one should just get bitten.

Andrew might spend the last two hours getting his Bunny horny as he whispers about exactly what he’d like to do to Neil if Neil was willing and Andrew was a werewolf. Neil is panting as Andrew strokes his inner thigh. Kevin looks back a few times, but Andrew and Neil manage to school their features each time he does. Andrew keeps his hands teasing but Neil continues to get worked up as Andrew details exactly what he’d do with his tongue.

“I want you.” Neil whispers in Russian to him.

“Wait until we get back.” Andrew says and gives Neil just a little taste as he kisses the tender spot behind Neil’s ear. “I’ll take care of you.” He promises.

Kevin complains bitterly when they tell him to spend the night with Wymack until Neil whispers something in French that has the son of Exy sprinting out the door his face red.

“What did you say?” Andrew asks as he wraps his arms around Neil’s front and kisses his neck.

“I said he probably didn’t want to watch or hear you fuck me.” Neil says and Andrew can’t help the huff of amusement.

“That’s for me only.” He says a small sliver of possessiveness that Bee has assured him is normal.

“I don’t know if Kevin could ever look at me again if he saw me like that.” Neil laughs. “Besides, you’re the only one I trust to see me like that.” He smiles.

Andrew is still anxious about Kevin ever seeing Neil like that, but it settles something in Andrew to hear Neil laugh at the possibility. Andrew can’t blame Kevin if he wants Neil, but it means nothing if Neil doesn’t want Kevin.

If nothing else that night at Eden’s has shown Andrew that Kevin Day can be trusted.

Andrew banishes all thoughts of Kevin from his mind as he turns his focus onto Neil. Allison had wrapped him up so prettily, it’d be a shame not to take his time to enjoy the unwrapping.

***

The Foxes have plans for the Christmas break.

The Foxes from last year are planning on spending the first week of Christmas break together in a cabin at a ski lodge that Allison, Matt, and Neil had banded together to rent out. The rest of the Foxes have come together to fill the cabin with as much booze and food as any of them could tolerate.

They had rented it as a sort of ‘fuck you’ to Riko and the Ravens. The full extent of that fuck you was not full realized until the last Exy game before the Fall season ended.

They had just beaten the Ravens in a hard won 13-11 match that had them all buzzing with excitement. Neil’s movements were only getting more and more fluid since Thanksgiving Break and that had been on full display as he and Kevin managed quick plays that left the Son of Exy visibly vibrating with excitement at half-time and lead to a full-body hug tackle when the final buzzer sounded.

Dan and Neil had been on press duty but there’d been a few reporters who wanted to speak with Kevin as the team made their way out of the Foxhole Court. “Kevin Day, what are your winter break plans?” a reporter demands shoving a microphone into Kevin’s face. Only the lack of Kevin’s flinch kept Andrew from shoving the microphone down the woman’s throat.

Kevin’s too busy buzzing with excitement, his arm around Neil’s shoulders as the two had been discussing the game they’d just played in breathless French. “I’m finally going to go skiing with my team!” Kevin laughs brightly before releasing Neil so that they could climb into the Maserati into their respective seats.

The media fall out had been a delight.

It was even better because that night they had packed up and had gone straight to the cabin to start their Christmas break. Not a soul knew where the Foxes were vacationing for the week.

So, Andrew got to enjoy the speculation that ran rampant without Kevin to clarify anything. The clip of Kevin’s previous skiing related comment had been largely drowned out by the whole dad revelation.

Now it’s back in focus and Tetsuji’s retired but he has a known location at the very least.

The cabin is almost too nice.

Two hot tubs and enough rooms for all of them with a TV that Kevin immediately tries to turn to Exy related news but Allison forcibly leaves the TV on a Hallmark Christmas special.

Andrew appreciates the room he and Neil have to themselves. He looks at the bed and the attached ensuite and he has some plans to make the most of it so long as neither of their mental states take a dive.

Neil’s tired tonight though. Both of them were coming off of a string of bad days but Neil had insisted that he was fine to drive and Andrew trusted that even if Neil would endanger himself, he’d never endanger his family or Andrew. So Andrew, Aaron, Katelyn, and Kevin slept while Neil drove through the evening and into the night.

He hadn’t even woken them up when he’d gotten the keys for their late check-in.

So, Andrew gets Neil’s scars taken care of, gets him in some pajamas, has him brush his teeth, and then the two of them crawl into bed. Andrew is the big spoon and buries his face into Neil’s neck the way he hasn’t been able to for the past couple nights.

It feels like coming home.

Nothing comes for either of them that night.

The next morning sees Erik and Nicky making smiley eggs and bacon for everyone. “As a thanks for including me.” Erik smiles and Neil just shrugs as if he hadn’t been the one to give Nicky the money to fly Erik down for the extra week.

“I’m grateful too,” Katelyn smiles, “I know you like fruit, so I went all out when Aaron and I grocery shopped for this.” She adds.

“Of course you were invited Katelyn. Aaron’s intolerable without you.” Neil says blandly as if it’s utterly obvious that Katelyn would be invited. “Thanks for putting up with him.” He says.

Aaron rolls his eyes but only pats Neil once on the back before getting his own serving of smiley face breakfast.

Then they head out to the slopes.

Andrew had zero interest in skiing, so Neil had bought tickets to the unlimited cocoa and dessert buffet for him for most of the days they were at the lodge.

The only issue being that the VIP lodge where all of that was located was at the top of the slopes instead of at the bottom. Neil had been apologetic, had offered to go up and grab anything Andrew wanted as many times as Andrew wanted it but Andrew dismissed the offer. He walked over to the ski lift with Neil’s hand tightly clasped in his own and when they took their seats, he buried his face in Neil’s neck and convinced himself he was just in a weirdly breezy seat.

“I’ve got you Andrew, I looked at the desserts here they’re amazing.” Neil says and his hand has to hurt from how tightly Andrew is gripping it but you’d never know from his voice. “I’m sorry that I didn’t think about what it meant when it said: ‘Enjoy the scenic views while you eat delicious sweets.’ I’m stupid.” Neil apologizes squeezing Andrew’s hand slightly in apology.

“You’re not stupid.” Andrew grits out.

He knows that Neil had searched long and hard for a ski lodge that would have something for Andrew. Knows that Neil had argued for it with the rest of the Foxes and even managed to withstand Allison and Dan pulling the ‘Last season’ card when they wanted to go to a place with a more robust spa. Neil had stayed up late to buy the pass for Andrew.

Andrew won’t let Neil belittle any of that.

Having Neil cuddle him for the entire five minute ride was also not the worst thing but Andrew would prefer to do it in a bed on the ground without the hooting and hollering of Nicky and Allison behind them.

Neil guided him off the lift and Andrew could pretend his cheeks, ears, and nose were red from the cold.

The dessert bar was worth every terrifying gust of wind.

It was miles better than even the dessert bar at the Fall Banquet and on a different planet from the mediocre one at the Winter Banquet. The only thing missing were the chocolate fountains.

Andrew pulls Neil somewhere private for a few minutes before his Junkie’s skiing lesson with all the other first timers (Dan, Matt, Kevin, and Aaron). Tucked away in a dark corner Andrew kisses him hard enough to make Andrew worried that Neil’s legs would be too wobbly for the lesson.

It’s not a bad thought, the pass is good for two and Andrew had spotted plenty of fruity desserts. He thinks about wiping cream off of Neil’s lips with his thumb.

Andrew almost extends the offer for Neil to skip the lesson but knows his Bunny needs the exercise. Besides, Andrew brought a great collection of trashy novels to read, and he wouldn’t read a single one if Neil was there with him.

So, he lets Neil go to his lesson.

He sits down with a huge plate of cakes and other desserts, reading glasses in place, and starts the first of his trashy novels.

He’s there for about two hours and done with a book and a half before he starts hearing some of the other guests whispers, “…don’t know if that’s safe but it sure was impressive.” One woman says.

“It was actually kind of nice he stopped to help that tall boy get down the mountain.” Another lady says and then, “That tall boy that kept falling over… he looked kind of familiar but I’m not sure why…” she says.

Andrew’s interest is piqued.

He polishes off the last dessert on the plate, grabs his hot cocoa, and wanders out to the slope.

He finds Renee out there.

She sees him and waves before bending down to unstrap herself from her snowboard. “How are the novels I lent you?” she asks.

“Passable,” Andrew says with a shrug. Bee wanted him to re-establish his love of reading now that he was off his medication and when he’d mentioned it to Renee, she’d offered her favorite trashy novels. “How’s everyone doing?” he asks.

“Matt and Dan have been going down the Bunny slopes and gotten pretty confident so they’re thinking about moving on to something a little more difficult. Aaron and Katelyn look like they’ll stay on the beginner slope, Aaron’s pretty good but Katelyn got nervous when they tried a steeper slope. Allison and I have been enjoying some of the expert slopes while I’ve seen Erik and Nicky going down the intermediate slopes.” Renee lists off and Andrew knows she’s leaving the two that he’s most interested in for last because Renee likes to tease.

“How are Neil and Kevin doing?” he asks before she starts talking about everyone’s exact improvements over the last two hours.

“Neil went down each slope until he landed on the expert slopes. He was having a lot of fun going fast but the last I saw him he was over on the beginner slope with Kevin. He’s not picking it up very quickly so Neil’s trying to help.” She explains with a smile as she points over toward the Bunny slope.

Andrew walks over and watches as Neil is showing Kevin a stance. Kevin for his part has shaky legs and Andrew can tell even this far away how nervous Kevin is.

“Why does he look like that?” Andrew asks with a frown.

“Kevin tried the expert slope before he was really ready to. He lost control immediately but thankfully Neil managed to grab him before he slammed into anything.” Renee explains, “He’s a little spooked.” She adds when Kevin loses his balance and falls onto Neil who catches him, “He’s probably getting into his own head about it.” She says sounding pitying.

Neil looks up and sees Andrew as he tries to straighten Kevin up.

Neil waves up at him but without the additional support Kevin falls again and takes them both down into the snow this time.

Idiots.

He goes back into the lodge, curiosity satisfied, and gets his second plate of desserts.

Kevin comes in an hour later visibly disgruntled and throws himself into the chair next to Andrew.

Andrew lowers the third book in the series and looks on as Kevin angrily peels off his gloves, helmet, and outer coat.

“No more Bunny slope?” he asks.

Kevin’s face went red, and Andrew had the delight of knowing it was not from the cold.

“Neil’s allowed on the double black diamond courses,” Kevin says. “The instructor wanted to go with him.” He grumbles.

“Neil can ski,” Andrew says popping an éclair into his mouth. “I watched you lose your balance twice on the Bunny slope.” He says, “I’m surprised you’re in here and not continuing to try to improve out there.” He notes.

Kevin looks down at his hands with a scowl.

“It’s not fair if Neil spends his entire day inching down the slopes with me. He was having fun before…” Kevin trails off.

“Before you bit off more than you could chew and almost hurt yourself for real while skiing?” Andrew supplies and the cream puffs are really out of this world.

Kevin goes redder.

“I just…I thought that I could do it if Neil could.” Kevin swallows, “I freaked out when I realized I couldn’t control where I was going. I would have hit a tree if Neil hadn’t caught me.” Kevin admits hands shaking. “He helped me down the slope safely afterward but now I’m in my own head about it.” Kevin leans back in the plush chair. “He’s just so athletic… he could do almost any sport.” He grumbles.

Andrew offers him an éclair.

Kevin accepts, a true sign of his dampened mood.

“Well, we won’t lose him to baseball.” Andrew offers and Kevin laughs knowing full well that Neil hated the sport with a burning and unreasoning passion, “You recruited him for his athleticism and talent.” Andrew reminds him.

“I know,” Kevin says. “Andrew, he’s going to make Court.” He smiles closing his eyes, “That last game was amazing and he’s improving so quickly. We’ll all be on professional teams straight out of college.” He says.

“Still putting me on a professional team against my consent I see,” Andrew comments idly.

“The Rebels have reached out to me with an offer already,” Kevin says and Andrew nods, they’re a good team. “They told me that if I could convince you and Neil to come with me when you all graduate that they’d hold spots and pay us handsomely,” Kevin says.

Andrew blinks.

“What?” he asks.

“I know you don’t pay any attention to any Exy news anymore but you, Neil and I are getting called members of the ‘perfect court’ nowadays.” Kevin says and Andrew blinks. “A lot of recruiters want the trifecta and…and I would like to keep playing with you and Neil.” Kevin admits slowly.

“Have you told Neil?” he asks.

Kevin shakes his head in the negative.

“I don’t want to give him hope before I can confirm with them that the offer is official.” Kevin admits. “I know he’s stressed out about it.” He closes his eyes.

Stressed is putting it lightly. Any perceived threat to his ability to play and improve at stickball is something Neil treats with absolutely hostility. Back in October Neil had gotten a cold and Andrew had been the one to haul him back to bed and away from his making his already hoarse voice worse as he tried to yell at Abby.

“They want the complete set?” Andrew asks to confirm.

“Yeah. You, me, and Neil.” He says.

“It seems your compulsion to force me to play Stickball is now resulting in contract deals.” He says.

“Do you really not want to play?” Kevin asks.

Andrew thinks about it.

He often thinks about it. Ever since Neil had asked him to choose him he’s thought about what it’d look like to play professionally. The thing that stopped him from agreeing with Neil was that he did not want the years of separation that they may face.

Andrew had gained so many things in this less than a year ‘something’ relationship with Neil and he loathed the idea of any of them being taken from him.

The idea that it would only be one year and then they could be a package deal, even if that package deal included Kevin, was a tempting one.

“I’m not opposed to it. As long as Neil and I aren’t separated for more than the one year.” Andrew admits and it’s move vulnerable than he had ever thought he’d be with Kevin of all people.

“That’s what I figured.” Kevin says with a smile. “Do you want me to start telling any recruiter that comes up that you and Neil at the minimum are a package deal?” he asks.

Andrew considers it for a long moment. “Bill us as the complete set.” Andrew says deciding that he didn’t hate the idea of keeping Kevin close even after college. They weren’t going to share an apartment, Andrew had plans for the first apartment he and Neil owned together. Plans that involved finding a place with thick walls, locked doors that no one else had keys for, a California King and the most outrageous bathroom he could manage.

Still, he could admit that he wouldn’t mind seeing Kevin regularly.

Kevin’s smile is irritatingly bright.

***

When Neil returns, he’s flush with excitement and adrenaline. There are lodge employees and other skiers all talking to him and asking questions. When Neil sees Andrew and Kevin he excuses himself and heads straight to Andrew with his stupid dimples, slight goggle tan, and helmet hair.

It’s not fair that Neil makes even that look good. “Are you enjoying the desserts?” Neil asks.

“Yes.” He says because there’s no point in denying that the desserts had been more than worth the uncomfortable trip up. Neil smiles and leans down, pausing, “Yes.” He offers his cheek and Neil has the audacity  to press his freezing cold nose into his face before pressing his lips to his cheek.

Andrew has to remind himself not to stab Neil on principle for that move.

The rest of  Foxes all meet at the VIP lodge for the provided lunch and for a break. They chat, eat, and talk about how they’re doing. Renee offers to teach Neil how to snowboard, but Neil declines it for now stating that he’s still getting the hang of skiing.

Kevin grumbles irritably at that.

They agree that they’ll go down the slopes for a few more hours and then they’ll be heading back to the Cabin for dinner.

Neil is the one that lasts the longest on the slopes to the surprise of literally no one and it’s Andrew that they send out to grab him away from the posse of instructors and fellow expert skiers. “C’mon Junkie. We’ve got dinner plans.” He calls over and Neil’s head whips to him like he’s a hunting dog who just caught a scent.

“Andrew!” Neil smiles and seems to forget the existence of everyone else as he glides over to Andrew in an instant.

He takes off his goggles and dammit goggle tan shouldn’t be so endearing.

“Did you have fun?” he asks.

“Yeah! But…I wish you could have been out with me. It’s not as much fun without you.” Neil says with all the sad puppy energy in the world.

Andrew looks skyward.

“I’ll go down the Bunny slope with you.” He says figuring that it’d be less torture to slide down such a slight decline than to take the lift again.

Neil brightens so visibly that Andrew almost pulls the goggles off his Junkie’s head to put them over his own eyes.

The rest of the group has already headed down or is waiting for the ski lift to take them down. Andrew rents some gear and feels zero anxiety as he stares down the slight decline of the Bunny slope. “We’re just going straight down so just keep your center of gravity over the center of the skis and you’ll do great,” Neil explains showing Andrew the beginner stance that he’d been shown just that morning.

Andrew nods and they push off.

Andrew loses his balance almost instantly, but Neil catches him and rights him immediately. “Sorry, I just didn’t want you to fall,” Neil says and Andrew blinks at him.

“You have my permission to catch me,” Andrew says and Neil’s smile almost knocks him off of his feet again.

Andrew fumbles twice more down the Bunny slope but Neil catches him and rights him each time. Andrew can admit that he didn’t bother trying to correct himself on the second and third fumble.

He liked the feeling of Neil’s arms holding him up, sue him.

They make it safely to the bottom and make their way over to their cabin where Neil takes a much-needed shower.

Renee has made some truly magnificent Lasagna while Nicky, Aaron, and Andrew make fancy cocktails. Andrew takes the first sip of each drink he makes for Neil even though Neil says he doesn’t need to.

By the end, they’re all watching a Hallmark Christmas movie and playing a drinking game. Neil gets tipsy halfway through and his energy is flagging fast with the late night, early morning, and a full day of exercise.

“…’m tired,” Neil admits.

“C’mon, let’s get to bed.” Andrew hauls Neil up to his feet and they head up. Tomorrow the Foxes all are doing their own thing. Andrew is sure that he and Neil aren’t the only couple that plans on making use of the bedrooms.

***

Neil and Andrew are the only two that are planning on making use of the bedrooms Andrew discovers over breakfast that morning when he comes down with a still half-asleep Neil. Allison, Renee, and Dan are all hitting up the spa the entire day. Aaron and Katelyn are going into town for shopping and sightseeing and will be meeting up with Nicky and Erik for lunch who are planning on spending the morning out hiking some trails. Matt and Kevin are hitting the slopes again and Matt has promised to help Kevin make it to at least intermediate slopes by the end of the day.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Was Nicky’s farewell.

And then Neil and Andrew are completely alone.

He looks at Neil, still half-asleep and spooning fruit into his mouth.

He considers it an early Christmas gift.

“Neil,” He says and his Junkie looks up at him as he chews on a slice of Pineapple.

“Yeah, Andrew?” Neil questions having been zoned out as everyone had explained their plans for the day.

“We’re alone today,” Andrew says but Neil just nods uncomprehendingly.

He’s so dumb.

“I know, what do you want to do?” Neil asks with a lazy smile that’s far too soft and loving to have a single ounce of the thoughts of want Andrew wants to do.

Neil knows that they’re going to spend the day together, but Neil also never assumes that spending the day together meant sex.

He’s so perfect.

Andrew wants to make him even dumber.

“We’re alone in this Cabin all day Neil. I want you.” He says and suddenly Neil is blinking at him with wide eyes.

“Really?” he asks as if the thought hadn’t even entered his mind. It might not have, Neil’s asexuality usually meant that his sexual appetite was zero and the only thing that woke it up was Andrew being interested.

“If you want.” Andrew reaches out and pushes his fingers through Neil’s hair. “I’m open to anything right now,” Andrew says and gets up out of his seat.

“Anything…” Neil breathes out.

“Meet me upstairs when you’ve finished your breakfast, Bunny.” He orders.

It’s going to be a great day.

***

Their trip is far more enjoyable than Andrew had thought it would be when the team first started planning it after Aaron’s trial had concluded. Andrew had enjoyed his time at the VIP lounge where he’d eaten enough dessert that he had heard some managers considering that in the future they would put a time limit on the pass. He had also managed to get through not only the book series that Renee had let him borrow but a book series that Betsy had lent him.

Andrew, of course, had greatly enjoyed the time he and Neil spent alone in the cabin. He’d been successful in rendering Neil utterly incoherent with pleasure and had temporarily rendered Neil at least 20 IQ points dumber. It was the first time that Andrew had ever stayed after getting off with Neil and it had been amazing, even if the consequences of not immediately showering were gross.

If Neil spent the rest of the day dopey, loose, and dumb well Andrew was the only one around to enjoy it.

Neil had continued to impress on the slopes and through the dedicated effort of almost every Fox at one point or another Kevin had managed to make it down the intermediate slope without falling by the 23^rd.

Christmas Eve saw the arrival of Wymack, Abby, and Bee.

Andrew and Neil were heading out to Columbia to spend Christmas alone together. Erik and Nicky were going to the airport that evening for a flight over to Germany to spend Christmas with Erik’s family. Finally, Andrew and Neil were going to drop off Aaron and Katelyn at the train station so the two could spend Christmas with Katelyn’s family.

That would free up three rooms for the three adults to spend the night and head out upon check-out tomorrow. Kevin was going to try and spend the holidays with his father, so he’d be driving back with Wymack.

Abby starts to cook up a Christmas feast, Wymack starts to unload the Christmas tree and all the gifts that the Foxes had kept at his apartment, and the rest of the Foxes are planning on spending the day putting up the tree and a whole slew of shitty ornaments while watching Hallmark movies and continuing the drinking game that has been played every night of this trip.

Andrew passes on that particular experience and uses his last dessert pass to take Bee up so they could enjoy the hot cocoa and have their session in semi-private while enjoying desserts.

Neil comes along for a few last trips down the slopes, to let Andrew bury his face in his neck for the final ride up, and to say goodbye to some of the friends he made. Andrew can’t help but watch as two girls and a guy all come up against the nearly impenetrable wall of trying to hit on Neil Josten.

“You’re smiling,” Betsy says as she enjoys a key lime bite.

Andrew blinks and realizes he is.

“It was a good week.” He says but doesn’t try to get rid of the smile on his face.

The only ones who know him here are Bee and Neil.

They are allowed.

“I’m so glad to hear that, Andrew.” She says and they don’t talk about anything too in-depth since the room is not private but it’s always nice to talk with Bee. He talks with her about his week, about how he’d spent his time, about the book series she’d let him borrow.

They chat until the VIP lounge closes early for Christmas Eve, but the ski instructors see Neil and Andrew together and finally seem to piece together that they’re together (if not that they’re together). “You’re the guy who’s been eating all the desserts! I didn’t know you were friends with Neil.” One guy says.

“Yeah, this is Andrew. I got him the dessert pass as part of his Christmas gift.” Neil says, “Andrew, this is Liam.” Neil introduces and Andrew knows it’s just because that’s the social cue required of him. Neil has zero expectations of Andrew giving a shit about Liam.

“Hold on here for a second, I wanna check on something with the patisserie chefs. I might be able to hook you guys up.” Liam says with a wink toward Neil.

Neil blinks uncomprehendingly.

Ah, another victim to the great immovable wall of Neil Josten.

They wait for a few minutes as the rest of the VIP lodge clears out and then Liam comes back with numerous cake boxes. “The chefs said they’re just going to pitch the leftover desserts so I asked if you could take them back with you.” Liam smiles at Neil and this time Neil smiles back, dimples and all but the smile quickly diverts to Andrew.

Andrew will remember Liam.

“Isn’t that great Andrew? Thanks so much, Liam.” Neil turns his dimpled smile back and the ski instructor blushes.

“Yeah, no problem. Well, I gotta go and handle some last-minute cleanup before I head off for my Christmas Eve plans. You got my number?” Liam asks.

“Yep,” Neil confirms holding up his phone. “Don’t be hurt if I take a while to respond. I’m bad at it.” Neil warns.

Liam laughs, “We’ll have to meet up and ski again. The stuff you were managing was insane. If you ever are looking for a job, be sure to apply here, I’ll put in a good word.” He offers.

Neil’s smile loses its dimples, “Yeah, thanks, Liam.” Neil says and with that, Liam is off. Neil and Betsy help Andrew pack up all the leftover desserts into the cake containers and Neil is silent while Betsy chats.

Betsy ends up going down the ski lift with stacks of cake boxes filled with almost all the desserts that had been on offer.

Neil and Andrew begin their slow slide down the Bunny slope for the last time.

“You went quiet when he mentioned getting a job here,” Andrew observes.

Neil swallows, “I just…whenever I think about my future I get scared. I really don’t want to lose…lose what I have.” Neil admits and Andrew tries to turn to him but loses his balance.

Neil catches him.

Neil has caught him every single time.

“I’m guaranteeing your future,” Andrew says and Neil blinks.

“Andrew, who knows what could happen to me.” Neil looks like the statement pains him even as he carefully sets Andrew back onto his feet, “I could get hurt and then-“

“Then Ichirou will just have to accept 80% of my salary. As long as he gets his money why would he care?” Andrew asks and Neil blinks in surprise. “I’m sure your uncle is figuring out a way to buy you out of your contract anyways.” He says because the man has phoned Neil to talk about every single game Neil has played this year.

“Andrew…” Neil breathes out his name in a whisper, “…are you…are you saying that you’re going to play professionally?” Neil asks because obviously that’s what his stupid Exy Junkie boyfriend would get stuck on.

Andrew should have known all those brain cells couldn’t regenerate so quickly.

“Yes.” Andrew answers and when Neil is so visibly vibrating in excitement he sighs, “Yes.” He opens his arms and Neil jumps into them.

He doesn’t even try to stop himself from falling.

***

Any and all hard feelings about not sticking around to help set up the tree evaporate when Andrew, Neil, and Betsy come bearing boxes and boxes of the high-end desserts that everyone had gawked over at some point or another.  “You are forgiven for your grinch-like tendencies.” Nicky had said as he hand-fed a lemon curd tart to Erik.

Andrew rolled his eyes and got most of it into the fridge leaving a single box out for general snacking before dinner since even he had no desire to face Abby’s wrath.

The only one who complained was Kevin, “I can’t believe you’re bringing even more desserts to eat. You haven’t done anything more strenuous than sliding down the Bunny slope at the end of the day with Neil this entire week. You’re going to be out of shape at the start of next season!” he whined.

“He hasn’t done anything more strenuous than going down the Bunny slope with Neil as far as you know Kevin,” Allison says with a smug look. She taught Neil everything he knows about makeup so she would be the one to be able to spot the various marks that Andrew had left too high for Neil’s sweaters to cover.

“Man, you gotta mention my brother’s sex life while I’m trying to enjoy this éclair?” Aaron scowls as Katelyn holds up the elongated dessert for him to enjoy.

Kevin squawks in realization and looks at Andrew.

Andrew is usually a very private man, especially in regard to his romantic life with Neil.

There are exceptions.

Especially if that exception means bothering Kevin and Aaron at the same time.

“Haven’t wasted a calorie,” Andrew confirms eyes on Neil’s form as his Junkie goes about helping Abby in the kitchen completely unaware of the conversation.

Aaron looks heavenward as Katelyn laughs and eats the éclair herself and Kevin goes a brilliant shade of red.

Eventually, the sky darkens, and the table is set.

Abby is a great cook.

The dinner goes by smoothly and the Foxes all agree to bring out the desserts and eat them while they do their gift exchange. This particular gift exchange is limited to the Foxes themselves so Katelyn, Erik, Betsy, Wymack, and Abby all are on the sidelines.

They’ve got a prize pool going for this.

There’s a prize of $100 for each player's ‘most thoughtful gift’ that they received.

Then there’s the grand prize pool of $2,000.00 for The Most Thoughtful Gift.

They’re giving all the gifts for one person at a time so that the one person could decide which of the gifts was the most thoughtful and then that gift would be put through onto the final round.

Andrew’s glad that he had never given a shit about the competition because he knows that no one is going to beat Neil’s gift to Kevin this year.

The only gifts he’d put any sort of effort into had been for Aaron, Nicky and of course, Neil but Neil and him were doing their gift exchange in private back in Columbia.

They all get a turn to open their gifts and there are arguments about the thoughtfulness. Andrew is greatly amused to watch Allison lose out to Kevin in a thoughtful gift to Renee since Kevin had donated to a Detroit food bank in Renee’s name while Allison had gotten her an, admittedly beautiful, new cross and rosary.

Andrew’s personal favorite gift he’d gotten were some nice headphones from Matt that the man had also gotten for Neil with the information that they could be synced up to the same device for listening. "Great for the bus rides, I've seen you two split an earbud," Matt says.

Allison had earned her win with Neil when he opened the MINYARD 03 official Palmetto sweatshirt. Andrew had scowled at her for it but it was hard to stay irritated when Neil immediately put it on, even harder when he leaned in and asked if Andrew would wear it every once in a while so it’d smell like him.

His scowl may have even turned into an appreciative nod.

Next was Kevin’s turn.

Andrew has Neil wait for last if only so Kevin could momentarily enjoy the other gifts.

Andrew himself had given Kevin a coupon book he’d made while up at the VIP lodge with the following six coupons:

• 1 Free Effort Filled Practice
• 1 Free Unsolicited Health comment that Andrew Minyard will follow for one week (Not applicable during Holiday Breaks)
• 1 Free Hour to talk about Exy (Cannot be combined with other coupons)
• 1 Free Hour to talk about History (Cannot be combined with other coupons)
• 1 Additional Hour of Night Practice. (Cannot be applied to Neil Josten if he does not consent.)
• 1 Free Sexile Refusal.

Kevin actually seems pretty pleased with the coupons as he slides them with a smile into his wallet for safekeeping.

The other Foxes roast his gift.

“A coupon book Andrew? What are you ten?!” Aaron laughs as if any of his gifts have been picked by anyone.

Andrew shrugs, unbothered, “There was no point in even trying to get Kevin a decent gift this year.” Andrew says with an eye roll as he looks at the other gifts that the others had gotten Kevin.

Exy supplies, history books, and a few gift cards to a health food place on campus that Kevin has not shut up about since he tried their Quinoa.

“Why is that?” Allison asks with a huff and Andrew can’t really blame her. Kevin had been visibly delighted over the wrist guards she had gotten him.

Too bad it was about to be blown straight out of the water.

Andrew gestures to Neil.

Neil flushes, “Shut up Andrew.” He grumbles before turning to Kevin and handing over his sloppily wrapped gift. “You..uh…might want to open it later. When you’re by yourself.” He says and Andrew is very glad that he knows what Neil means because that sounds unfortunately suggestive.

“Oh wow, right in front of your boyfriend? Is our favorite couple going to become a throuple?” Nicky asks and Andrew chooses to let it go since his cousin is deep into the egg nog at this point.

Aaron swats at him.

“What do you mean?” Neil asks with a confused tilt of his head that Andrew shouldn’t find so damn endearing, “I just don’t want Kevin to be embarrassed.” Neil explains in a way that explains absolutely nothing.

Kevin quirks an eyebrow, “I’m sure I’ll be fine.” He says.

Well, Neil had warned him.

Kevin opens the wrapping and blinks at the copy of All for the Game in Japanese. “Oh, I didn’t have it in the original Japanese,” Kevin opens the book with a smile. “Thanks, N-“

Kevin must see his mom’s handwriting.

Andrew watches as Kevin’s eyes read the inscription.

Andrew, of course, remembers exactly what it had said.

‘I loved watching you play Exy almost as much as I love watching my own son Kevin play it. Never stop improving, even when it’s tough.”

-Kayleigh Day

Andrew is not surprised at all by the tears that start down Kevin’s face. He had called the other Striker’s reaction the second that he’d seen what Kayleigh had so absently written. She was signing some random guy’s book and she’d loved Kevin enough that even then she mentioned him by name.

He’s a little surprised that Kevin manages to look over at Wymack and carefully hand him the book before he flings himself at Neil and hugs the much shorter Striker as if his life depended on it.

Neil is bowled over and it’s only because Matt is there that Neil doesn’t crack his head open against the coffee table. “Whoa there!” Matt exclaims managing to catch the weight of both starting Strikers.

“What the hell was in that book?” Dan asks looking at where Wymack is staring at Kayleigh’s inscription.

“Neil got Kevin a signed first edition with only Kayleigh’s signature,” Andrew says, if Kevin wants to let them know more then he could tell the rest of the Foxes.

Except Kevin doesn’t seem capable of doing anything right now other than hugging Neil desperately tight.

“This is a thoughtful gift, Neil,” Wymack says face soft as he looks at the handwriting of the woman he had loved about the son he hadn’t known until last year.

“Alright fine, Neil wins the pot for The Most Thoughtful Gift. God Damn he’s even got coach tearing up!” Allison exclaims to unanimous agreement.

Matt ended up moving Kevin and Neil slightly away from the rest of the Gift Exchange. The individual pools were still up for grabs. Andrew shifts to sit with the two of them as Kevin tries to collect himself but Andrew could hear a very quiet, “Merci” that Kevin seemed to be repeating from his spot against Neil’s chest.

It takes a whole five minutes for Kevin to collect himself enough to let go of Neil.

“Where…how…?”

“I was looking for something for a while. Ever since you mentioned that Riko destroyed a lot of the stuff you had left of her.” Neil says, “I just happened to find that one off of a Craigslist posting.” Neil says.

Kevin wipes at his face, “My gift…isn’t enough.” Kevin says looking over at the other brand of court shoes that he’d tried to get Neil to buy on Black Friday.

Neil laughs, “Kevin,” he smiles, “it’s not actually a competition.” He says.

“I know but…but I-“

“You helped give me my body back. I feel so much better now, it hurts so much less that sometimes I don’t even hurt at all. You were the one that realized I was in pain when I shouldn’t be. You were the one that got me started on going to Betsy and it’s been…helpful.” Neil grits out the admission like it costs him something, “You saved me at Eden’s that night too.” Neil reminds him. “I still feel like I owe you,” Neil says with an awkward laugh.

It feels like a laundry list of things that Andrew has been anxious about these last few months since Neil and Kevin had started growing closer.

“You’ve given me a lot besides my mom’s words Neil.” Kevin says quietly, “Let’s…let’s just say that you and I are even?” Kevin asks.

“Let’s just not keep a tally in the first place.” Neil amends.

“You’re a really good friend Neil,” Kevin says.

“You too Kev.” Neil pats Kevin on the back once before turning to Andrew with a smile on his face as if he hadn’t just been having a deeply personal moment with Kevin just a foot away. “So, I got $2,000.00 to spend. Do you wanna get an extra big dinner for Christmas?” he asks.

Andrew shoves his anxiety to the back of his mind.

“We’ll order in.” Andrew says thinking about what he might feel like tomorrow, “I want more dessert.” He says.

“I’ve got dessert covered for tomorrow already. What do you think we should do for dinner.” He asks.

Andrew blinks, surprised that Neil would get dessert figured out but quickly figures that it was just something he had wanted to do for Andrew.

“Of course you have dessert figured out. Look at all the crap you brought!” Kevin points at the piles of dessert still remaining. He looks at Neil, “You’re going to follow the diet plan still aren’t you Neil?” he asks.

“Absolutely not. This is my fat week. Betsy told me to be extra kind to myself during this trauma anniversary.” Neil says pointing at the therapist in question who nods in agreement.

There’s nothing better than putting Kevin up against any sort of health professional’s opinion. For all his bluster Kevin would never contradict what an actual professional thinks is best for one of his friend’s health, mental or physical.

“C’mon Andrew, any food you want.” Neil pulls them back onto the topic.

“I want Indian Food. All the Butter Chicken from Delhi Palace that I can tolerate.” Andrew decides, in part because he and Neil enjoy Delhi Palace’s Butter Chicken and in part because Kevin hates the Delhi Palace’s Butter Chicken.

“Deal.” Neil smiles, “I’m going to order so much naan. I’ll order three of every type they have.” He says immediately clocking on to what Andrew was doing.

Kevin makes a noise like they’ve shot him.

Andrew finds it harder to think about his anxiety when Neil leaves Kevin on the ground and pulls Andrew back up. They wander back over to the rest of the team to occupy the loveseat that they’d left behind. It gets even harder when Neil looks at him pleadingly and Andrew adjusts himself so Neil can lean against his side with a contented sigh.

“Are we still doing our gifts tomorrow?” Neil asks as Andrew wraps his arm around Neil’s shoulders.

Andrew wishes they were already in the car to Columbia, “Yeah.” He says.

“Good,” Neil says leaning against him further.

***

The gift-giving wraps up and Aaron is the only one who had a gift that hadn’t been voted ‘most thoughtful’ to his twin’s great dismay. His gifts had come in second the most often but no one was talking about that, just ragging that even Andrew had been more thoughtful and one of his gifts was a coupon book.

The group that was leaving that night bid the group that was staying farewell. Andrew is grateful that he had this time with his family before they all headed off to celebrate separately. He’s even more grateful that he’s going to have Neil all alone for an entire week.

Neil and Andrew had not been truly alone together for more than a few overnights in Columbia since they had returned from the road trip. They drop Aaron and Katelyn off at the train station and Aaron promises to text when he gets to Katelyn’s. They manage an awkward hug goodbye.

“See you next year!” Katelyn says with a smile and a wave that has the horrific result of Andrew seeing what his own face would look like if he was a dopey idiot.

His Christmas gift to Katelyn is that he doesn’t complain about it and just gets back in the car.

Now Andrew has Neil all to himself for the next week.

So long as Kevin can manage to stay with his father.

The father-son duo were both equally tense about their first holiday alone together since Kevin had gone off with Andrew and Neil for Thanksgiving break. It had gotten to the point that Neil and Andrew had to promise that they’d come and grab him and take him up to Columbia if he really couldn’t handle it.

Andrew cannot, for the life of him, figure out what is so difficult for Kevin to spend a holiday with Wymack. Kevin has spent plenty of time with the man alone before he’d revealed that Wymack was his birth dad.

Still, at the end of the day before they left the lodge Neil had promised. Kevin had nodded and hugged Neil tight before they’d driven off.

So Andrew hopes that Kevin is man enough to spend the holiday with his dad. Something that Kevin has done multiple times before he let the bomb drop about their blood relation.

They take turns driving back and Neil stops at the all-night market for some general supplies while Andrew dozes in the car.

The quiet of their house in Columbia, when they pull up so late that it’s morning, is everything that Evermore and Easthaven could never be.

Andrew and Neil both shed their armbands almost immediately neither feeling any inclination to hide any part of themselves away when it was just them. It’s a group effort to get the three remaining boxes of desserts into the fridge and their bags into the house. They do their standard nightly rituals and collapse onto their bed in one another’s arms.

Andrew manages one sleepy kiss before he’s out like a light.

***

The next morning, they wake up luxuriously late.

Andrew wakes up slowly and contemplates the wonder of a touch being so familiar and so welcome as Neil’s hand holds his own loosely. Andrew lets his own thumb brush along the scars on Neil’s knuckles.

The texture is different now that they’re taking care of them properly and it means there’s no delay when Neil grips his hand nowadays. Andrew stares at Neil Josten’s scarred and freckled face still asleep an inch away from his own.

He looks at Neil’s indecently long eyelashes, breathes in his astonishingly bad morning breath, inches forward so their foreheads touch, and listens to the soft grumble as Neil wakes up.

When Neil opens his too-blue eyes and smiles at him Andrew completes filling his senses with Neil Josten as he inches forward and kisses him.

They spend an incalculable amount of time like that.

Andrew relishes the knowledge that Neil is warm, safe, and happy in his arms as he kisses his Junkie until he's breathless. Neil’s panting and wanton under him and Andrew thinks that he could easily spend the rest of his life like this.

It’s Neil’s stomach that puts an end to the tender start of the day. It growls out so loudly that Andrew can’t help but exhale a huff of amusement before he trailed down and kissed his Junkie’s stomach, “I’ll make pancakes.” He says.

“I’d like that,” Neil replies.

They climb out of bed and Andrew kisses Neil once more on the corner of his mouth before the two of them head into the bathroom to brush and floss.

Andrew makes breakfast, they curl up together on the couch together to eat it and just enjoy one another’s company. By Neil’s request and by mutual agreement they’re doing their gift-giving over dinner tonight.

Neil reads the books that he’d gotten from Dan for Christmas (definitely not as good as the ones Renee and Betsy had recommended but passable.) as Neil watches some old Exy games.

They hold off on lunch considering the size of the dinner they’re planning but Andrew does make sure that Neil eats an apple tart to keep his Junkie in the habit of eating at least three times a day.

It’s around 4 PM that Neil tells him he’ll head out to go get dinner. He returns around 5 PM with two large take-out containers of Butter Chicken and bags and bags of naan in different flavors.

Andrew frowns and remembers that Neil had said that he’d gotten dessert covered. “Where do you want to eat?” Neil asks and Andrew figures he can wait and ask later. Even if Neil forgot it’s not like they don’t have enough dessert already.

“Couch,” Andrew answered because Nicky wasn’t around to call them barbarians.

They take pictures of their dinner and send them into the group chat. With Neil adding a thanks for the $2K. Kevin complains bitterly in the group chat that it was unfair to receive a Christmas gift that he could not use at Christmas.

Andrew and Neil sent the group chat a picture of themselves each holding the Naan with a middle finger at the camera.

They don’t pay attention to their phones after that.

They eat as much Butter chicken as they can before putting the rest in containers.

Then it’s gift-giving time.

Neil squirms uncomfortably at the larger number of gifts that Andrew has at his side to give to Neil but Andrew had been clear that he counted every day of the Dessert pass as a gift. Neil had finally pled that he at least be able to give half of what Andrew was giving him.

Andrew has one gift that he’s a little anxious to give his Junkie, scared that it might ruin the easy and relaxed mood that the two of them are in but he figures it’s better to get it done.

So, the first gift he gives Neil is a handwritten coupon but he had created it much further in the past than the ones he had made for Kevin. “One trip to California…Set for when I’m ready?” Neil asks looking at the coupon with a frown.

“For her bones,” Andrew says and Neil stops breathing. “I know it bothers you. We can go and get them whenever you’re ready to get them.” He says.

Neil swallows looking at him and then the coupon.

“You hate my mom,” Neil says.

“I despise Mary.” Andrew won’t even give her the title. “Still, whenever you’re ready you can cash that in with me and we’ll go,” Andrew says.

Neil looks at the slip of paper.

“What if I’m never ready?” Neil asks.

“That’s fine,” Andrew says with a shrug. It doesn’t matter to him either way.

“Thank you,” Neil says and Andrew watches as Neil deliberately puts it in his wallet. “Um…here’s…here’s one of yours,” Neil says awkwardly as he hands a small box to Andrew wrapped in the official Neil Josten style.

It’s a silver ring with a skull. He slides it on his finger immediately and likes how it looks, “I was looking at this while we were on that ghost tour.” Andrew comments remembering how he had decided against buying it since the group had been moving on.

“I went back in the morning while I was running.” Neil says, “You didn’t buy a souvenir for yourself for our trip, I thought it’d be a nice one for you.” He adds.

“I’ll wear it.” Andrew agrees.

The rest of the gift-giving is significantly less fraught.

Andrew gets Neil a silver necklace, a running watch, a bath bomb set, clothes for Eden, a new wallet, a better keyring, a fox keychain, a reflective vest, a running headlamp for his night runs, a pair of compression gloves to help Neil’s hands, compression sleeves for his arms, and compression socks and shorts for his legs to help with any bad pain days.

Neil delights in every last one of them and it makes the anxiety in Andrew’s chest settle. It had been years since he had given someone a gift where he actually cared about it making them happy. Neil takes such immediate and uncomplicated delight in each gift Andrew hands over that there’s no chance for misinterpretation.

Even if he grumbles that Andrew should have given him the wallet first as he takes out the California coupon and transfers it into the sleek new wallet Andrew had gotten him.

The only gift he didn’t immediately take to were the bath bombs and that seemed to be more based on the fact that he had no idea what they were.

“You drop them in a tub. They’ll make you smell good and moisturize your skin when you bathe with them.” Andrew leaned in close, “If you ask nicely I can show you exactly how nice they can be.” He says into Neil’s ear.

So Neil liked every single one of his gifts after that.

Neil’s pile of gifts was smaller since he had already given Andrew the multiple days of the dessert pass but Andrew liked everything else that Neil had gotten him. There was the ring, a new set of black studs for his eyebrow, a cashmere sweater, a book series he thought Andrew would like, a belt that was absolutely going into rotation, and for Neil’s final gift…

“Just hold on a minute. I’ll get it ready.” Neil says with a smile.

He disappeared into the kitchen and there were some noises and the microwave beeped but ten minutes later Neil called Andrew into the kitchen.

A chocolate fountain.

He blinks.

A chocolate fountain is still in his kitchen.

“I told you I had already taken care of dessert." Neil says and Andrew can hear the smile in his voice but his eyes are on the chocolate fountain, "You kept making eyes at the one in Binghamton but you never really got the chance to enjoy it because you were watching over me.” Neil says and Andrew looks down and…

“Did you buy all that last night at the convenience store?” he asks looking at the marshmallows, graham crackers, strawberries, pretzels, Oreos, and awkwardly cut sponge cake.

“Well, I wanted you to have the stuff to dip in,” Neil says with a blush, "Sorry about the cake bites, I uh...couldn't really find the stuff that they had in Binghamton." he apologizes.

Andrew grabs a marshmallow and dunks it into the flowing chocolate and eats it.

Amazing.

He grabs two strawberries and coats them before holding one up to Neil as he ate the other one. Neil smiles and it’s the same dopey smile he gave Andrew up on the roof of the hotel in Binghamton. He eats the strawberry from Andrew's hand without a hint of anxiety and then Andrew kisses him.

Desserts do taste better when he tastes them in Neil’s mouth.

Chapter Text

Andrew feels like he should have known something was going on.

He’d noticed the signs.

Noticed how sometimes conversations would stop when he and Neil would enter into a room. He’d noticed when Aaron had asked if he could borrow the Maserati to go to the mall and how his brother had rolled his eyes to the left instead of the right when he said it was to buy some clothes, his brother’s tell. He’d noticed how Allison wearing a particular pair of sweatpants. He’d noticed Kevin talking with the other foxes more and more and with Neil ever so slightly less.

He'd noticed.

He just hadn’t thought to piece it together.

His Christmas break with Neil had made him stupid.

He’d spent an entire week being able to touch Neil almost whenever he wanted and almost however, he wanted.

Neil had refused to mess around with the melted chocolate from Andrew’s chocolate fountain “I’m not comfortable with sticking my dick in there Andrew. It’s hot.” Neil had protested and honestly, Andrew had been even more turned on by the first solid sexual boundary Neil had ever raised.

Then on New Year’s Eve Andrew had held Neil close all day as Neil talked about how scared he was that he didn’t remember what happened in the Nest. How he fears that there may be pictures out there. Andrew listened and had promised that if anything came up then they’d deal with it together. Neil had kissed him, and Andrew had held him reverently.

They watched the ball drop, and it was hard to reconcile how far they’d come in just one year.

On New Year’s Day, Andrew and Neil had penetrative sex for the first time.

It had taken hours. It had been slow. It had been fraught with emotions. It had stopped and started twice. It had resulted in Andrew using almost half a bottle of lube. It had been Neil in his lap kissing his face. It had been Andrew anxious but unable to misinterpret Neil’s frenzied ‘yes, yes, yes, yes!’.

It had been perfect.

He would never in his entire life regret it.

But it had made him stupid.

It had made him forget that life was cruel and that it seemed to always love to be cruelest to him and Neil when they were happy.

It all started when Kevin had driven them from the dorm room.

It had seemed like he was having a long and drawn-out argument with his ex-girlfriend and Neil was already having a hard day. It was January 19^th and Neil had made it clear to him months ago that he did not want to treat it as his birthday.

Neil is drunk in a hotel room and Andrew needs some levity after hearing the raw hunger in Neil’s voice when he described how his Spring Break in Millport had gone.

“When is your birthday now?” Andrew asks because he had never looked at Neil’s official documents, too busy keeping his eyes on the FBI agents to make sure he would be getting his Bunny back.

Neil wobbles as he gets up and makes his way over to the jacket his wallet was in. He manages to find it after checking the same wrong pocket three times before he tosses it far to the left of Andrew.

Andrew catches it anyways.

He opens the ID and finds Neil staring back at him from a South Carolina driver’s license. Andrew had dragged Neil to the DMV when they had time after the FBI had issued it to him with his pre-season photo. A photo that Andrew had disliked before Neil had talked about the physical state he’d been in when he first came to Palmetto.

Neil’s cheeks are scarred but full, unlike the hollow-cheeked boy that the FBI had attached Neil’s legal documents to.

“Neil Josten’s birthday is March 31^st. Nicky says I’m more of an Aries anyways.” Neil says drawing Andrew’s attention away from his thoughts on Neil’s ID. “I picked March 31^st.” he says pointing at Andrew before coming back to the bed and collapsing down onto it. “Nathaniel’s birthday is January 19^th. I’m not Nathaniel anymore.” Neil says.

“March 31^st it is.” Andrew accepts easily.

Andrew takes Neil on a drive.

Neil, who hadn’t slept well the night before, falls asleep in the passenger seat.

He’s drowsy and trusting when Andrew guides him back up to the dorm room after Kevin texts that he’s done speaking with Thea. Neil asks if Andrew can stay with him as he leans against him in the elevator back up. Andrew agrees because he never had any plan to leave Neil alone when he was in this state.

Andrew and Neil get into their dorm and Kevin is there looking down at his phone. He doesn’t seem that upset even though his break-up with Thea is still a sore spot.

It’s another thing that Andrew notices.

It’s another thing he disregards.

They walk into the bedroom only to discover the bedding on all three beds was gone. Neil sighs exhaustedly and Andrew sees red. He storms out of the room, “Where the hell did our bedding go Day?” Andrew asks.

“Nicky came in while I was talking to Thea. I think he might have taken some stuff.” Kevin shrugs, “I’ll help you and Neil go get it back, I think he said something about a blanket fort?” he says.

It sounds like Nicky.

Andrew is mad enough that he doesn’t consider that Nicky’s keys had been revoked months ago when he scared Neil awake. He doesn’t consider that the door had been locked when he’d come in. He doesn’t consider that Kevin would have had to let Nicky in, had to have locked the door after him.

Neil comes with him if only to stop him from stabbing his cousin to death. “It’s okay Andrew,” Neil says with a tired smile that has Kevin looking concerned all of the sudden as if the other Striker has just noticed how waned and tired Neil looks.

It’s not okay.

Neil made Andrew’s birthday perfect.

This may not be Neil’s birthday but…but it’s his birthday. Andrew will pull out all the stops on March 31^st to make it a good day for Neil, but he wants January 19^th to be as painless as it can be.

He grips the handle, and he notices it’s not locked.

He disregards it.

He notices the lights are off.

He disregards it.

It’s the last thing that night that he has the luxury to disregard.

“SURPRISE!” Comes from all the Foxes as they all jump out of various hiding spots in Aaron, Nicky, and Matt’s living room and from Kevin from behind.

Then with a crash as Kevin hits the wall behind them, Neil is gone.

Neil is tired, startled, and it’s January 19^th so he’s been expecting a monster to jump out at him all day.

Flight mode has been activated.

“Neil!” he yells but Neil is already behind the thick stairwell door. He turns and starts to chase after his Rabbit. He gets down the stairs and runs out into the parking lot of the building eyes going in every direction as he searches for any sign of Neil.

Fuck.

He tries to calm his breathing as he quickly pulls out his phone and dials Neil only for Neil’s phone to vibrate in his other pocket where Andrew had placed it at the beginning of the day. Neil had kept flinching at every text message, hands shaking as he opened his phone and shoulders relaxing only when he saw it wasn’t a countdown.

Fuck!

Andrew’s phone plays God Save the Queen as Kevin tries to call him. He doesn’t answer and tries to think about where Neil would run to.

He turns his gaze up toward the roof and sees the brand-new shoes that Kevin had bought Neil for Christmas dangling over the ledge. The bright orange pair that Kevin had sought out specifically to appeal to Neil now act as a beacon for Andrew.

FUCK.

God Save the Queen plays again and Andrew ignores it and silences his phone. He’s running up the stairs at his best speed, which is far too slow, and makes it to the top of the Tower. He doesn’t slam open the door because he has no idea what Neil will do in flight mode if he’s startled again while he’s on a roof.

It’s a near thing but he manages to open the door quietly.

Neil is at the ledge.

Andrew has never feared heights more in his entire life.

He takes careful and quiet steps, but he can’t control how hard he’s breathing. He feels like he might just pass out.

As Andrew draws closer, he sees something next to Neil on the ledge.

FUCK!

Andrew can’t help his reaction as he rushes the remaining distance and grabs both Neil and the pill bottle off of the ledge. Neil falls into Andrew’s arms bonelessly and Andrew lets the pills roll away on the roof and he can’t hear the sound of any pills in the container over the roar of his own heart.

Andrew had checked multiple times today. Made sure that Neil’s last resort pills were in the spot where Kevin had stashed them months ago. Made sure that Neil was never too close to where Kevin had hidden them.

That bottle with the pills Andrew had replaced months ago was still untouched in the Dorm room.

Andrew had never considered that Neil had more than one.

“Did you take them?!” Andrew demands his heart pounding with anxiety as he keeps Neil’s hands pinned above his head with one hand and lets his other rest on his pulse.

Neil looks at him slowly, “No.” Neil says, and his pulse is steady, “I just…today I needed them close.” Neil says looking up at Andrew before he closes his eyes, “I’m sorry. I promise I don’t ever intend to leave you alone.” Neil’s voice is so tight that it sounds painful.

Neil had heard him the night Andrew had flushed the pills down the toilet.

“How many more do you have?” Andrew asks.

“It was just that one and this one,” Neil says and his pulse is steady still. “They’re expensive and it was hard to save up to buy the second bottle,” Neil admits.

Another truth.

“Let me flush these.” Andrew pleads.

“Don’t.” Neil pleads his hands strained against Andrew’s grip so Andrew lets him go. Neil uses his free hands to grip Andrew’s shirt. “Don’t flush them. I need the…” Neil swallows thickly, “Andrew, I will do any and everything in the world to survive so that I can come back to you, and we can have our future but…I just…I’m so scared.” Neil admits.

Andrew keeps one hand on Neil’s pulse but lets his body weight drop onto Neil, Neil’s arms move from where they’d gripped the front of his shirt to gripping the fabric at the back. Andrew brings his mouth next to Neil’s ear, “I won’t let anyone hurt you again.” Andrew promises.

“Then let me keep them. If it’s hopeless then let me go in a way that won’t hurt.” Neil pleads and Andrew says nothing as he buries himself in the comfort of Neil’s steady pulse against his cheek.

Neil says nothing, just lays there stroking Andrew’s back.

They lay there on the ground for at least an hour, possibly two. Andrew should have been able to catch the breath that he’d lost when he had made his way up the stairs but if anything, his heart only races faster.  

Andrew feels paralyzed.

He tries to think through the problem for a solution but he can’t find one that guarantees that Neil won’t take the pills. He wants to throw the pills over the side of the building but Neil will just get more and Andrew will live his life paranoid of every hiding spot. He thinks about pressing the pills into Neil’s hands only after extracting a long and loophole-free promise but the thought of the pills in Neil’s hands again makes him physically ill.

"Andrew." Neil’s voice has him close his eyes for what me the first time in five minutes. “Can…can I ask you to hold onto them?” Neil asks and Andrew pulls himself up and looks down at Neil.

Neil is looking up at him with his beautiful blue eyes and his arms slide off of Andrew’s back and instead cup Andrew’s face.

“What?” Andrew asks.

“I’ll let you be in charge of when it’s hopeless.” Neil says and Andrew feels his breath constrict at the terrible trust that Neil is placing in him, “If you tell me that it’s hopeless then…then I will believe that there’s nothing to be done. That it’s truly hopeless.” Neil says.

“Neil.” Andrew’s voice is more strained than he ever wanted it to be.

“I trust you, Andrew. I trust that you won’t let anyone hurt me like that again.” Neil says, “I know…I know that promises are still important to you, this way you can guarantee it.” Neil’s fingers shake as he strokes Andrew’s face carefully with ice-cold fingers.

Andrew says nothing again.

He thinks about it.

He doesn’t need as long to come up with his condition.

“I will hold onto it.” He agrees.

“Thank you.” Neil breathes.

“On one condition.” Andrew continues and Neil blinks.

“Anything.” Neil nods.

“Get a second dose,” Andrew says and he sees how Neil stiffens his eyes going wide in a fear that Andrew had first felt that night on the couch with Kevin and a fear that had lingered even after he flushed away the pills.

“W-what?” Neil asks.

“That’s my price for holding onto your last resort Neil.” He thinks again about that night on the couch when Kevin had told him about the pills.

There better be enough for two.

“If there’s no hope then you and I will go together,” Andrew says and finally loosens his grip on Neil to bring Neil up to him face-to-face. “I’m giving you my future Neil. Consider it collateral for the guarantee I gave you on the ski trip.” Andrew says stroking Neil’s burn scar with his thumb.

Neil opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, and then closes his eyes.

He smiles.

“Okay, Andrew,” Neil says voice quiet. “I’ll take your future, and I’ll make sure it’s amazing. I’ll take it as long as you take mine, Andrew. If you’re okay with being responsible for my future, then…then let’s make it a deal.” He says.

Andrew feels his pulse quicken.

Neil hadn’t known the extent of Andrew’s deals when he’d last made one. Hadn’t understood the weight that Andrew put behind his deals, but he knows now. For Andrew, a deal is-

No…

“This isn’t a deal. It’s a Vow.” Andrew decides because he makes deals with his brother, with Kevin, and with Wymack.

With people who are important.

Neil is important but that’s because Neil is everything. A deal isn’t enough, he needs to make something he’s never made before.

“I won’t let you back out of it like last time.” Andrew continues and if Neil breaks this deal then Neil will break everything between them. “I want you to think about it. I want you to give it time and really think about it. If it’s still a ‘Yes’, then I’ll expect the second bottle.” Andrew says.

A pill bottle shouldn’t feel like an engagement ring.

“Do you want this, Andrew?” Neil asks, his tone not accusing just curious.

Andrew can’t believe it’s a question his Junkie is even asking. Andrew hadn’t realized how much he needed to have a promise, to have this vow, to have back the easy confidence in his place with Neil that he gave up on the bus ride to Binghamton.

Maybe someday Andrew will be able to let go of deals.

Maybe someday Andrew will be able to stand confidently next to Neil and not need the weight of a vow to keep him settled.

Maybe someday Neil could be close with other people who love him and Andrew won’t feel like he’s back in foster care failing to be the child that is chosen.

Maybe someday both his conscious and subconscious mind will be in agreement that Neil will always choose him.

For now, Andrew needs this.

“I want this.” Andrew lowballs, “But only after you think about it. You’ve had a bad day, I won’t let you do something like this when you’re still shaky.” He says because Neil will say yes if he knows how much Andrew needs this.

“I’m just cold.” Neil’s teeth chatter and it’s probably true. Andrew has been pressing Neil down into the cold concrete of the building for hours at this point. He’ll have to warm his Junkie up when they’re back on their feet.

Andrew won’t be budged on when he’ll hear Neil’s answer though.

“You have to give it at least a month.” Andrew orders even if waiting a month is the last thing that Andrew wants to do.

Neil needs to be as sure as Andrew is.

“Okay.” Neil agrees.

“Good.” He kisses Neil’s cheek, “C’mon let’s get back in before we freeze to death instead.” Andrew says.

“Okay.” Neil agrees and Andrew manages to get up onto his feet without making it obvious that he’s unsteady. He still offers Neil a hand up and Neil’s hand is half frozen when he puts it in Andrew’

They stayed out there too long. Sweatshirts weren’t enough in the cold like this.

It takes some effort, Neil’s hands lose a lot of mobility when it’s cold out, but he laces their fingers together and the way Neil smiles makes it worth it. “Does it hurt?”  he asks because Neil’s hand is shaking in his. The cold always makes his scars hurt, burnt skin unable to properly regulate.

“A little,” Neil says as Andrew guides them over to where he had knocked the pills.

“We’ll use the sink to warm them up.” Andrew grabs the pills with one hand and rubs the back of Neil’s hand with his thumb with the other. “Are you hungry?” he asks hoping that maybe Neil could be persuaded to eat after this.

They enter into the warmth of the tower.

“I just want to go to bed,” Neil says and if it weren’t for the Foxes then Andrew could already have Neil safely tucked into bed. Neil had been tired but Andrew is sure that if he’d gotten Neil into bed he could have gotten him to at least eat some fruit in bed. Andrew would have happily flipped Kevin the bird when their roommate had inevitably talked about how unsanitary it was.

“Okay.” Andrew agrees and they can just have a large breakfast tomorrow.

They’re slow as they come down the stairs and when Andrew gets to their door he’s surprised to find it unlocked. They open the door and find the dorm is silent, Andrew wonders if everyone is still in Matt’s dorm but dismisses it. He takes Neil over to the sink and turns the water to something only barely lukewarm and brings Neil’s hands under it.

Neil sighs in relief.

“Do you want to take a shower?” Andrew asks.

Neil thinks about it as Andrew slowly increases the temperature of the faucet. “Yeah…would you…” Neil trails off.

“I can shower with you.” Andrew agrees to the unspoken request.

Neil smiles.

They head into the bedroom but this time Andrew finds all of the beds made. Andrew’s and Neil’s are near military while Kevin’s is a little sloppy, completely opposite of the usual state of each of their beds.

He wonders if Kevin came back and made them.

He pointedly doesn’t think about where Kevin has gone since he made them.

He takes Neil to his dresser and grabs two pairs of sleep clothes. Neil is dropping fast but Andrew will hold him up in the shower if he has to. Neil’s naked body against his own is something Andrew likes.

Andrew puts the pill bottle in his underwear drawer and promises himself that he’ll get a safe or something else to keep it secure and away from Neil.

The shower is a slow boil. They don’t really do more than rinse off in terms of getting clean but Andrew, with Neil slumped against him and half asleep, slowly adjusts the water until they’re both pink with heat. He kisses Neil’s cheek and feels warmth return to his body; Neil drops asleep against him, and the weight of Neil’s warm body is a balm.

Neil sleeps, utterly trusting, and Andrew dries them off, gets both of them in clothes, and stops in front of his bed.

“Neil,” Andrew says his name quietly.

Neil’s eyes drift open lazily.

“…Drew?” he asks.

“Let’s sleep in your bed,” Andrew says deciding that he wants the extra distance from everyone else that Neil’s lofted bed provides.

Neil just nods. Andrew plugs in their phones and pointedly doesn’t check either of them. He does look and sees that the pills Kevin had hidden are gone. He wonders if Kevin took them wherever he went or if they’d been hidden in a new spot.

It doesn’t matter.

Andrew has Neil climb up first despite Neil’s insistence that he get the wall. Andrew has to steady Neil twice on his way up the ladder before climbing up into the lofted bed he had never spent time in.

Under the covers, holding Neil close it’s a decadent experience for Andrew to be surrounded by Neil’s scent and warmth. The tightness in his chest loosens further and when Neil, sleepy-eyed and soft, whispers to him, “I really can’t give you my answer now?” he asks.

“I won’t accept it and I’ll add another month on to when I will accept it,” Andrew says despite the feeling that floods his chest, Neil’s warmth permeating past his skin and filling him.

“Too bad…” Neil sighs.

“Think about it carefully Bunny.” The nickname is still new on his lips but he relishes how Neil melts when he says it.

“I will,” Neil promises. “I promise.” He adds uselessly.

“I know.”

Neil drifts off again and Andrew lets himself drift off with him.

***

In the wake of January 19^th the Foxes are apologetic and promise that they’ll do something really fun for Neil’s birthday on March 31^st. Neil’s apology for running off does more damage than any knife Andrew could have used.

With the second semester well and truly started Neil and Kevin start to go out with Wymack for recruiting purposes. Andrew has zero inclination to go and preach the greatness of Exy so he stays back.

It doesn’t bother him like it had before that Neil and Kevin are spending so many weekends together. Part of it is that they’re with Wymack and the other part is that he and Neil have a pending Vow.

It helps even more that Neil is almost always reaching out to him one way or another. He gets long rambling voicemails, poorly typed texts, and Neil makes it a point to call him before he goes to bed.

Andrew buys additional storage for his phone to make sure he can keep it all saved. It makes him dread the year apart from Neil a little less. It makes him look forward to never needing to be apart ever again.

Neil grabs him shot glasses from every airport, gas station, and gift store he ends up near.

February 19^th passes, and Neil doesn’t bring up the vow. Andrew feels a sort of sick anxiety about it but lets it go because if it’s too much for Neil then Andrew will be okay with that. Neil has the right to say no and Neil hasn’t said no. Neil just hasn’t said anything about it.

His nerves settle slightly when Neil asks to take his car for the day. “I’m going to meet a guy. I’ve got enough now.” Neil says and Neil disappears for a day and a half.

When he comes back Neil doesn’t press a bottle of pills into his hand but he does press a kiss to Andrew’s lips and tells him that he filled the Mas’ tank.

March 9^th comes, and no one expects anything from Neil or Andrew that day. Kevin brings in food and water but for the most part, leaves the two of them alone where they’re curled together in Andrew’s bed.

Halfway through the day, Kevin brings in a package for Neil. “I just wanted you to know that whatever you ordered is here,” Kevin says setting the package down in the room and leaving again.

“What did you order?” Andrew asks.

Neil doesn’t answer, he just rises out of the bed but doesn’t go to the box. He walks over to his backpack and pulls out a familiar bottle of pills that has Andrew’s heart race.

Neil climbs back into the bed with the pills in his hand and presses it into Andrew’s. “It’s still a yes,” Neil speaks for the first time today.

“What’s in the box?” Andrew asks again wrapping his fingers around the pills.

“A safe. It’s not configured so you can set it to whatever you want.” Neil says closing his eyes. “Nathan’s been dead for an entire year.” He whispers.

A part of Andrew wants to say that Neil still has 10 hours before the exact anniversary of Nathan’s death but he won’t muddy the waters of an accomplishment.

“I’ll make sure you live to over twice his age.” Andrew rises to a seated position and runs his fingers run through Neil’s hair, “You’ll be old and gray. You might even get to die of old age.” Andrew says climbing out of bed.

He gets the safe out of the box, reads the instructions and while Neil’s back is turned he sets the passcode to 20923103. Andrew could pick random numbers but his Vow is worth choosing something significant even if he has to obscure it a little.

He sets his safe next to Neil’s, grabs the pills Neil had handed to him back in January, and twists the caps off of both bottles. His paranoia can’t help but check that the pills are the exact same and once he’s done everything he can do to confirm that these pills are the exact same as one another and the ones he’d flushed on Thanksgiving he consolidates them down to one bottle.

Neil’s back is to him but Andrew knows that Neil heard it. Their futures are tied together now.

They only need one bottle.

***

Kevin and Neil continue to go on recruiting trips together except Neil won’t go to check out a kid in California.

“It’s that beach,” Neil says voice tight as he points at the beach in the background of the video the newest possible recruit as next year’s defensive dealer sub had sent in. The girl was standing in front of the camera talking about what the Foxes meant to her and her own struggles but she was standing in front of the beach Neil buried his mom’s bones.

“Okay,” Andrew says and moves to go book some last-minute tickets but Neil catches his hand.

“No,” Neil says.

“Okay,” Andrew repeats.

Mary can stay in the sand for now.

They’ll get her when and only when Neil is ready to carry her weight.

Kevin comes back from his trip with Renee and lets them know that they signed Elizabeth for next year as their Defensive dealer sub.

***

There were talks of last-minute spring break plans together, but it won’t work out like last year. Dan is going apartment hunting with Matt so she has a place to live when her coaching job starts up in July, Renee wants to spend time with her mother before she heads out for the Peace Corps, and Allison has some people she’s meeting up with in New York for a Spring Collection.

The Freshmen remain irrelevant to any and all of Andrew’s plans. Neil is friendly with some of them but not to the extent he is with the Foxes from the previous year. The only freshman that Andrew knows the first name of is Jack, Kevin’s striker sub pick and Andrew only knows it due to the, frankly, ridiculous level of turned-on he got when Neil put Jack in his place on Valentine's Day with a thrown knife.

Katelyn’s immediate family is going on a cruise and it’s a solid ‘no boyfriends no girlfriends just family’ event that Katelyn’s mother calls Aaron to explain that it’s not about him but Katelyn’s youngest older brother’s girlfriend. “If I could sneak you into my luggage I would! But that cow! Let me tell you what she did!” Andrew hears before Aaron, smiling, goes into another room to take the call.

Nicky just can’t financially justify going to Germany and he gets sappy enough about it with Erik on the phone that Andrew regrets learning German.

Kevin just says his plan is to hang out with Neil and Andrew in Columbia.

A Monster’s Spring Break.

Neil and Andrew indulge in many of the group activities of playing video games, drinking, going to Eden’s, and watching movies but they also indulge in plenty of time alone.

Andrew reads while Neil rests against his chest, sometimes reading out passages he thinks Neil would enjoy. They go on a walk as a compromise since Andrew refuses to run. Andrew plays with Neil’s long hair, he’s growing it out since they’ve been on a winning streak. Neil learns to paint nails under Andrew’s instruction.

Kevin forgets to knock once when he comes into Andrew’s room and gets an eye full before frantically retreating with equally frantic apologies. Andrew and Neil stop and look at one another trying to decide if they’re still in the mood to keep going before they both shrug and Andrew carefully pulls out.

They weren’t expecting Kevin’s voice from the door, “I hope you stretched before you started that.” Kevin says.

“Don’t worry Kevin, I’m plenty stretched.” Neil returns back immediately.

Kevin makes a mortified noise and Andrew buries his laugh into Neil’s neck. They weren’t in the mood to continue but Kevin didn’t need to know that as Andrew and Neil proceeded to have the loudest fake sex they could manage until, “You guys are ASSHOLES! I can’t BELIEVE you’re my best friends!” was cried out and a door slammed.

Neil is giggling and Andrew would do anything to hear that sound more often. He’s even fine with the initial cost of Kevin Day getting a bit of a show.

“I can’t believe he asked if I stretched,” Neil says laughing into Andrew’s shoulder as the two of them watched Kevin pace on the front lawn.

“I can’t believe you answered him like that.” Andrew hides a smile in Neil’s hair.

“He deserved it.” Neil wipes a tear from his eye.

"He deserved it." Andrew agrees.

Neil leans in, “I know it was fake but…I kind of liked it when you were loud like that.” Neil says.

Andrew thinks about Neil’s loud fake moans and exclamations.

He thinks that maybe Kevin hadn’t completely ruined the mood.

“Not when my brother, cousin, and Kevin could actually hear us.” Andrew says turning to kiss Neil’s neck, “The real sounds are mine.” He says.

“Then yours are mine.” Neil agrees voice coming out breathless as they start again glad that Kevin had wasted his Sexile coupon two weeks ago.

***

March 31st is Neil Josten's birthday and Andrew has plans. The plans start with breakfast made exactly to Kevin's dietary plan.

The next step is he takes Neil to the Court after morning practice and Wymack has four large containers of balls. "We're going to practice that trick shot you mentioned to Kevin," Andrew says and Neil is buzzing with excitement.

It takes three hours and Andrew hates how much he is sweating but when they get the timing down for the shot Andrew can admit that he feels a touch of pride. It is smothered by the wave of affection he feels when he sees Neil's sweaty and delighted face. Andrew insists on them both taking a shower even if he plans on having Neil's face just as sweaty after their lunch.

Neil is starving which is perfect because lunch is at Neil's favorite Polish restaurant where the owner's intentions are so clear and affectionate that Andrew has never had to try a bite before Neil digs in.

The owner gushes over Neil, gives him oodles of food, tells him he's too thin, cups his face with her hands, and sends them off with an entire Mazurek to enjoy on the house. She looks at Andrew and tells him to take care of her sweet boy on his birthday and slides him 10 dollars, "For more snacks, he's too thin!" she laments.

Andrew takes them to the same hotel that Neil had brought him for Andrew's birthday. "Have you stretched?" he asks and Neil's eyes go dark with hunger that has nothing to do with the Mazurek they put in the fridge.

They test the soundproofing the Hotel claims to have to the absolute limit.

Andrew decides he really quite likes when Neil is loud and likes telling Neil exactly how much he is enjoying taking him apart.

If the worker who brings up their dinner can't look either of them in the eye well...

They should have invested in thicker doors.

***

Neil gets a sad puppy look whenever it comes up that the girls are leaving. He knows that Dan, Renee, and Allison have all promised to keep in touch, but Neil keeps getting stuck on the fact they’ll never be just down the hall again.

Neil wants to spend time with them to the point that both Andrew and Kevin feel a little left in the dust, but the girls are all more than happy. Neil goes shopping with Allison, happily third wheels on Dan's dates with Matt, and goes with Renee to help build a house for Habitat for Humanity.

“I just…I just want them to remember me when they’re gone.” Neil says when Andrew notices that he’s running himself ragged trying to spend so much time with the girls.

As if any of them would ever be able to forget Neil Josten.

It’s when they’re all at Wymack’s house celebrating a win that Neil’s focus gets centered on something. Andrew sees the moment that it happens.

One of the freshmen (Caleb? He’s actually tolerable and the sub that Neil had picked) asks what the three graduating seniors most want.

“I’d like to be a two-time champ,” Dan answers immediately.

“Oh, same. We didn’t get the award ceremony last year.” Allison tosses her hair.

“I’d like for my mom to see it,” Renee admits.

“Oh, I guess there wasn’t a ceremony last year since the Raven captain went and blew his brains out.” A different freshman says as she looks at her nails.

“Watch it, Monica.” Jack hisses.

“What, he lost a single game and killed himself. Pathetic, can’t believe they made us watch that god-awful slide show at the Fall Banquet.” Monica rolls her eyes and Andrew decides to bother remembering her name. She looks over to Allison, “Thanks for cutting that shit show short by the way. It was funny watching the ERC panic.” She says.

Allison rolls her eyes, “Seth shouldn’t be forgotten just because Riko was more talented.” She says and Andrew can see Kevin flinch off to the side as Renee pats his shoulder consolingly.

“So, you want the award ceremony?” Neil asks and there’s a hint to his voice that Andrew knows means that he’s deciding something.

“Yeah, still feels like we got robbed.” Matt agrees looking to Dan, “I wanna see you hoist the cup up, baby.” He says adoringly.

Neil nods and Andrew knows a decision has been made.

***

Andrew, logically, understands why the ERC is hosting this year's Collegiate Class I Exy finals at Castle Evermore. It is the home of the national team, it’s the first NCAA stadium, and up until this year, the Ravens had always made the cut to be the ones playing in the finals.

They hadn’t this year.

They’d lost out to both the Foxes and the Trojans.

Even without Riko, the Foxes had grudges with the Raven team and they were still one of the best teams in the league.

But now they’re only one of the best.

Neil had been even more focused on the championship than he’d been last year if that was possible. Every practice had been intense and he spent so much time talking about strategy that even Andrew had to talk about it if he wanted to talk about anything with Neil.

The Foxes had won by two whole points and Andrew was proud that a large part of that was Neil’s leadership on the Court. Even the players who didn’t necessarily like Neil listened to his orders.

The Ravens lost out to the Trojans the next week.

The Finals were going to be the Foxes and the Trojans.

Yet here they were on a 7-hour bus ride to Edgar Allan’s campus.

Andrew figures he should just be grateful that they don’t have to fly all the way to the Trojan stadium but he hates that the ERC had decided that the Foxhole court was not up to the task of hosting the Championship game. He wonders how many championship titles they need before the school upgrades the court or the ERC admits that they're still not sure how to handle the black sheep of Division I becoming one of the best teams.

The Trojans are going to be playing their full line-up this time. The Foxes have a far healthier line-up than last year but it’s still just a single sub for all of them with Renee being Andrew’s back-up. That line-up was made slimmer when Jack went and got himself put out of commission by getting into a fight three days before the Final. It hadn’t even been a fight with one of the members of their team, just Jack running his mouth and having no one who cared enough about him to stop the beating that followed.

It'd be a problem if Neil wasn’t one of the three available Strikers.

There’s no denying the changes in Neil’s condition from the last championship game. Neil has had months of a close training partnership with Kevin and Caleb, months of sleeping like a rock in Andrew’s arms, months of regular snacks and healthy meals, and months of properly taking care of both his physical and mental health.

Neil was likely in the best condition he’d ever been in his entire life.

Andrew had seen that only Kevin was capable of keeping up on the Court with Neil nowadays and even during the Raven’s game it had been Kevin who had needed to be subbed out for a breather as Neil had attacked the Raven’s goal with tenacity.

Neil has a mission.

Neil wants to give the girls the cup properly this time.

So Andrew has a seven-hour drive with Neil Josten and Kevin Day so focused on their pre-game mental prep that he may as well be an empty seat on the bus.

The jealousy he had been feeling had largely disappeared when Neil had pressed the pills into his hand back in March. Neil gave him his future and for the first time in his entire life, Andrew trusted the person he had given his.

Kevin, Neil, and Caleb discuss each of the Trojan Backliners’ weaknesses in excruciating detail. Kevin is airing secrets about Jean’s play style and Neil is relaying the brief snippets of Raven's strategies that he remembers from the Nest last year.

Kevin is allowed to have the purely Exy-obsessed Neil.

When their Striker huddle breaks after two hours Andrew offers to play some music for the two of them.

“No, I just want to focus on what I need to do,” Neil says.

Andrew shrugs and lets his own thoughts drift away for the rest of the bus ride.

They get to Evermore and Andrew stays next to Neil but does let his eyes wander over to Kevin to see if his past-charge is having any adverse reaction to being back here.

Andrew only sees the Queen of Exy standing there.

They’ve all grown a lot in the last year.

Dan leads the warm-ups since it will be her final game one way or another with the Foxes.

She brings them into their final huddle with the senior girls. “I’m very proud of how we’ve all grown and played this season. I don’t have any pointers,” she shoots a look to the side with a smile that’s natural and teasing, “and neither does Kevin.” She says and Kevin lowers his finger, “Win or Lose I am very proud to have Captained this team but let’s Win and show them that THE FOXES ARE HERE TO STAY!” She yells the last bit.

Most of the team shouts along with her while Andrew just nods once.

The game is a different kind of brutal from the Ravens. The Trojans are a top-class team and the athletes on the court all deserve to be there. There isn’t a weak link to exploit in their starting line-up and there’s hardly a weak link to exploit when subs come in.

But they are burning through their Backliners.

Neil Josten is a sight.

It’s only when Renee subs in for him that he can fully appreciate how Neil is going after the Trojan goal. He’s launching attack after attack, playing his angles, using trick shots, and coordinating with Kevin.

He can hear some of what the crowd was saying as they watched Neil’s stamina, skill, and tenacity on full display.

“I can’t take my eyes off of him!”

“He’s a machine.”

“He’s still got something to prove.”

Neil clashes time and time again with Jean on the way to the goal and even though Andrew couldn’t give a shit about the sport usually he could admit that watching Neil play against such a talented Backliner was breathtaking.

The score was equal at halftime.

No one says a word to Neil at halftime.

Kevin didn’t have a single note for him on what he could be doing to improve, and he had no need to listen to Dan’s halftime pep talk.

No one, not even Andrew, wanted to nudge Neil out of the zone.

So, they sit out on the bench while the rest of the team goes to the locker room. Neil stares straight ahead eyes not even comprehending the cheerleader's performance while Andrew just hands him water bottle after water bottle to replace what he had sweated out in the first half.

Somehow Neil is even more unrelenting in the second half.

The Trojan Backliners are getting subbed at alarming rates trying to keep someone even half-fresh on Neil as he upped his attacks. A lesser team may have resorted to foul-play against Neil but Andrew could see that the backliners were all loving the challenge that Neil was presenting to them at this point.

Even Jean was looking like he was having the time of his life going up against Neil Josten.

This was Neil’s game and this was the man who would be leading them next year.

This is what Neil’s talent, drive, and passion for Exy could do when they were on full display. He hears from Wymack that there are many professional recruiters in the stands and when Andrew looks he can see some people taking notes. He has no doubt that Neil will be able to convince some people tonight that he is more than worth the offer.

Andrew twirls his racquet the way he'd practiced and sends a ball flying down the Court to Neil who catches it and with a twist of a newly mobilized arm, he scores his 5^th goal of the game. Andrew will make sure that anyone looking at Neil also looks at him.

The final buzzer rang out and the Palmetto State Foxes were the Champions for the 2^nd year in a row.

11-10 in the Fox’s favor.

Just like last year Neil collapses onto the Court. He’d played the whole game with no break other than half-time. Neil’s stamina was well-known before this but he’s sure that Kevin is going to get over his hatred of cardio to start joining Neil on his morning runs because now Neil’s stamina would be known as legendary.

Jeremy Knox and Jean Moreau both walk over to Neil on the ground and, despite the fierce scowl on Jean’s face, he has no fears that this captain would try and take his boyfriend’s head off with an Exy racquet.

He sees Jeremy offer Neil a hand up from where he’s sprawled and sees Neil takes it chest still heaving from exertion. He watches as Jeremy pulls Neil back up to his feet before slinging an arm around Neil’s shoulders and lifting one of Neil’s hands high in the air as a sign of victory.

The crowd goes wild at the display and Andrew wonders what it’s like to be that nice. He wonders if the Day Spirit award is what Jeremy actually cares about.

Kevin rushes over after staring at the scoreboard for the last minute and throws himself at Neil. Jeremy, wisely, got out of the way as Kevin knocked Neil over in his enthusiasm but this time at least Neil had been wearing a helmet.

He sees Kevin’s incandescent joy even from across the court when Matt lifts the two starting Strikers up. It’s a spectacle that is hard to tear his eyes away from.

“Do you think they’re gonna kiss?” Nicky asks teasingly as Kevin knocks his helmet against Neil’s when Matt puts them down to pick up Dan and spin her.

“Shut up.” Andrew huffs and all Andrew can see is his boyfriend and their mutual best friend celebrating an achievement.

Especially when Kevin finally releases Neil, and his Bunny goes straight for him.

“We won!” he exclaims as if Andrew wasn’t keenly aware of the score.

He’d say something sarcastic usually, but Neil is too beautifully happy at this moment for Andrew to do anything other than give his own smile back, “Yeah. We did.” He agrees.

Neil’s excitement carries him through the post-game interview where he gets to eviscerate one rude reporter who had the audacity to refer to Neil as Nathaniel. The entire starting line-up makes a show of not knowing who the guy was talking to and watching as the man slunk back into the shadows utterly cowed and embarrassed.

Neil’s pride carries him through the award ceremony where they watch Dan hoist the trophy up in victory this time. Dan talks about how proud she is to have the team she has and how Wymack’s vision should be used as a model for at-risk youth everywhere. Every member of the team hoists the trophy afterward and if Andrew makes sure to get a few good pictures of Neil hoisting the cup then that’s his business in much the same way he saw Neil take pictures of Andrew’s own far more reluctant hoist.

His surprise carries him through receiving the MVP award and Neil blushes beautifully when he receives the medal. His surprise even carries him through the rest of the award ceremony as Andrew whispers in Russian what he wants to do to Neil while he wears that medal around his neck.

By the time they get to the bus after everything it’s late and Neil has less than nothing left in the tank.

Neil is the second on the bus and Andrew can see how his legs shake with the effort of heading to their customary spot in the back. Can see how Neil grips every seat like they’re the only thing keeping him upright.

Neil tosses his bag into an empty seat across from their customary one and crawls into the seat by the window his MVP and Championship medals dangling from his neck.

His head rests against the window and he looks seconds away from just passing out right there until he seems to remember that the window seat is Andrew’s customary spot.

He looks up at Andrew with pleading eyes.

“Get in your seat Junkie,” Andrew says with a plan already in mind. Neil’s neck would hurt if he slept against the window like that. Neil whines but does slowly crawl over to the aisle seat as Andrew grabs his spare sweatshirt from his bag and tosses it next to Neil’s.

When he looks back at Neil he is in the aisle seat, his eyes are closed and his head is slumped forward.

Even less acceptable.

“Junkie.” He says getting into his window seat and moving the armrest between their seats. He folds his sweatshirt and places it in his lap, “C’mon Neil.” He pats his lap with the makeshift pillow.

Neil looks at him like he hung the stars, created strawberries, and killed his father.

It’s heady.

Neil adjusts himself and collapses into Andrew’s lap smiling up at him. Andrew indulges himself and strokes Neil’s face, “Thank you, Drew…” Neil nuzzles his face into Andrew’s hand and before Andrew could say anything at all Neil is asleep.

“Oh, my god.” He hears his cousin and looks up to see Nicky taking a photo on his phone. Andrew looks down at Neil but his Bunny remains utterly asleep despite the exclamation from his cousin.

It’s good that it doesn’t wake Neil up because Andrew cannot get up and kill Nicky because Neil, trusting and vulnerable, is asleep in Andrew’s lap.

“I’m surprised he made it to the bus, to be honest,” Dan says drawn in by Nicky’s exclamation. “He was insane out there.” She says.

“I was getting ready to carry him to the bus for the last stretch there,” Matt admits and takes his own phone out to snap a picture. This one is far more tolerable since Andrew is sure that he’s cropped out of the frame entirely with the focus being Neil’s sleeping face. Matt and Andrew have an understanding when it comes to pictures of Neil. Andrew lets Matt take them and Matt shares them with Andrew.

“We gotta have a blanket or something to put over him. He’s going to get cold.” Allison grumbles looking into the storage bins above the seats.

“Second one from the front on the left side.” Renee offers.

“Nope, nothing.” He hears Caleb.

“Your other left,” Renee says gently.

“Oh, uh…yeah.” He hears some chuckles, “There is one.” He hears and then there’s a blanket being tossed to Allison.

Andrew rolls his eyes as the upperclassmen baby Neil.

He’ll allow it for now because next year he’ll only have to endure Boyd’s protective instincts that have the Backliner currently pulling off Neil’s court shoes and tucking them into Neil’s bag.

Allison gets the blanket over Neil’s sleeping form and Andrew has to deal with the aftermath of all of the upperclassmen and Nicky seeing Neil snuggle unconscious into the blankets and press his face into Andrew’s stomach.

“Oh, my god,” Nicky repeats and Andrew hates that he can hardly blame his cousin this time.

A man who has been called a machine earlier that night should not be this adorable. Andrew lets his hand drift into Neil’s messy hair and lets his fingers comb through it.

“Man, I can’t keep watching this. I’m gonna die.” Matt says and Andrew knows that at least four more photos have been added to Matt’s ‘Neil Josten’ album on his phone and four more photos for Andrew to keep close and another reason he needs to buy more storage for his phone soon.

“When you’re right, you’re right.” Dan agrees but doesn’t join Matt quite yet at the front of the bus.

“I need to cut his hair now that we’ve won. He looks cute with it longer, but I’ve got an idea.” Allison says.

“Yeah, yeah, redesign your favorite dress-up doll when we get back home Reynolds. Let’s leave Neil and Andrew alone before Andrew remembers that he could just start throwing knives.” Dan says steering the other Foxes away from the back of the bus.

“He can throw them now?!” A terrified freshman squeaks.

“Neil taught him back in February.” Renee offers.

“What, was it some kind of fucked up Valentine’s Day present for Andrew?” he hears his brother ask.

“No, Neil bought out half of Walmart’s leftover supply the day after.” Kevin sighs loudly, “There’s still some boxes left in the dorm and Andrew threatened to gut me if I threw them out.” He adds turning in his seat to look at Andrew with a pout.

“The threat stands Day,” Andrew says quietly.

“I worry about your health,” Kevin returns.

“I’m doing fine.” He waves a hand towards the gold medal around his neck, “I’m a two-time collegiate Exy Champion.” He says.

“Y’know, Neil follows my diet plan 95% of the time, and look at how good he’s doing. He got MVP.” Kevin returns before his gaze drifts down to where Neil is cuddled into Andrew’s stomach, “He was amazing out there tonight.” He breathes in wonder.

“He was.” Andrew can admit it because saying it is like saying the Sun rises in the East.

Kevin keeps looking at him hopefully and Andrew smirks, “I’m not going to ever accept a diet plan from you Kevin.” Andrew says and Kevin sighs dramatically.

“You’ll have to deal with a diet plan when we go pro!” Kevin whines but sits down in his seat.

Wymack and Abby finally climb onto the bus.

“We-“

Dan silences him before he can get too loud.

“You’ll wake Neil up!” she hisses, “Give your speech when we get back.” She adds.

He’ll miss Wilds.

“Christ, he’s already out? Where is he?” Wymack asks looking at Andrew seemingly alone in his seat.

“Sleeping in Andrew’s lap,” Dan says with an amused lilt to her voice that lets Andrew know that she has on a shit-eating grin even if he can’t see it.

Wilds could not be graduating soon enough.

***

They’re about two hours into their drive back to Palmetto and Andrew has spent the entire time looking down at Neil’s sleeping face. “Kevin,” he says and the Striker turns in his seat to look at him.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Go into my bag, first pocket on the left. I’ve got scar cream. I can at least do his face and arms for now.” He says.

“Good idea.” Kevin agrees.

Kevin gets up and Andrew’s attention falls back to Neil’s sleeping face. In the corner of his eye, he can see Kevin stiffen. He looks and sees that Kevin has opened the wrong ‘first pocket on the left’.

“Why…why do you have this?” Kevin asks looking at the pills.

“Neil gave them to me.” He says and doesn’t elaborate.

Kevin looks at the pills. He opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, and, “I still have the ones I took. He had more?” he asks.

“Yes,” Andrew says because it’s true. It’s just that Neil had bought more than two.

“I’m glad he gave this to you,” Kevin says and puts the pills away. “I’m glad he has you to trust to hold onto them,” Kevin says and opens the correct first pocket on the left this time. “I spoke with those recruiters more. They were here tonight. They really do want the three of us. They were even talking about buying you two out of your contracts with Wymack.” Kevin hands Andrew the scar cream with a shaking hand.

“I don’t plan on going anywhere until I have a degree,” Andrew says and opens the tube. The smell is familiar and Andrew has come to associate it with good things now that he has months of Neil’s trusting body under his hands.

“I told them that you’re both too grateful to Wymack to leave early. Neil’s the captain once Dan graduates.” Kevin says and crosses his arms on the top of the seats as he settles his face against them. He watches as Andrew carefully applies the scar cream. “They said they’d wait. I want to keep our options open, it’s a good offer but there might be a better one waiting after tonight’s performance.” Kevin says.

“I’ll let you deal with that.” Andrew rolls his eyes. “Do you want to mention it to Neil yet?” he asks.

“Maybe I should.” Andrew looks up and Kevin is looking at Andrew’s bag, right at the wrong ‘first pocket on the left’. “Hey, Andrew…” Kevin says gaze coming back to Andrew.

“What.”

“I thought the only thing that my life could ever be about was Exy. I thought the only thing that I could ever give someone was the game. You and Neil and the rest of the Foxes protected me last year so that I could take back that purpose. I could take back the game that I thought Riko had stolen from me.” He looks at Andrew, his green eyes shining even in the darkness of the bus, “I know I was the worst and that I never even thanked you for it properly. So first, I just wanted to say…thank you.” He says and Andrew feels his skin crawl at the intense gratitude flowing from Kevin’s entire body.

“I don’t need that.” He says. “We had a deal.” He reminds.

“I still want to give it to you. You can do whatever you want with my thanks.” Kevin shrugs before turning his gaze out to the window. “Andrew,” he continues, “I was lost after that final game last year. I had just gotten everything back that had been taken from me but…but I felt so empty. I thought that if I could just keep pushing... if I kept climbing higher and higher with Exy that I’d find what I needed. I…uh…well…I went a little too far.” Kevin admits abashedly as he looks down at Neil.

Andrew shoots him a look that clearly relays his ‘no shit’ feelings in regard to the statement but doesn’t interrupt.

“I was going too far with Neil but…” Kevin’s mouth slowly morphs into a smile as he looks at Neil still dead asleep after his magnificent game, “Neil didn’t leave me alone. He stayed with me, he tried so hard to help me.  I’m still…not proud about it but I don’t know how far I would have strayed if I hadn’t hurt Neil that night.” Kevin admits and Andrew stiffens. “If he’d dodged out of the way, if I’d missed, if he hadn’t slipped….I swear to God I wish he hadn’t gotten hurt that night but Andrew…I…I needed that wake-up call. I needed to spend three hours alone in the stadium cleaning up Neil’s blood until Wymack came for me.” He says.

“Careful Kevin,” Andrew warns and Kevin shakes his head.

“All Riko ever focused on was using people to climb higher. I was using Neil and Neil was letting me use him because he trusted me. If you hadn’t said what you said to me that night….I…I could have become as empty as Riko was.” Kevin admits quietly.

“I would have absolutely killed you before you even managed a tenth of what Riko did. I gave you a terrifying enough warning at even just 3% that you made a deal with me to keep you on the straight and narrow.” Andrew dismisses.

Kevin laughs before his gaze shoots down to Neil in Andrew’s lap. His shoulders relax when he sees Neil is still asleep. “I know. I’m glad I have you as a friend Andrew. I’m glad I made that deal with you." he says. "Exy is still the thing I care the most about but...but I have friends and hobbies. I can eat ice cream on the weekends without hearing Tetsuji's voice berating me. I have a dad even if it's still weird. I was just at Evermore and I didn't even think about what happened to me there. I didn't even realize I hadn't thought about it until just now." Kevin says in a rush. He looks at Andrew and Neil together, "I’m glad you came with me to Millport and met Neil. I’m glad I could keep our initial deal.” He says.

“Protect me and I will give you something to build your life around.”

That deal changed Andrew’s life for the better.

He looks down at Neil.

“I’m sure we both thought you were talking about Exy.” Andrew says stroking Neil’s face.

“No one anticipated Neil Josten.” Kevin says with a huff of laughter.

“No one could.” Andrew agrees and he looks up at Kevin, “You’re a good friend Kevin.” He says.

The smile Kevin gives Andrew is so bright that Andrew worries it will wake Neil up.