Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"And with the Power Star, I will rule the Mushroom Kingdom with my Bride along my side!"

 Luigi whimpered pathetically as he is shook in the air, the wizard's magic forming a cage around his body. His survival instincts scream out at him to do something. With little other options, at least two involving a bit more bodily heat then he was used to, Luigi knew what he had to do. 

“She would never love you!”

Luigi's loudness shocks himself. He meant it to come out funny or charismatic, like his brother whenever he beat up bullies. Luigi's execution  sounded more like the desperate screaming of a man on the gallows.

The Koopa guards beside him shared the look, the one that clearly meant ‘Oh crap’. The outraged Bowser’s foot slams onto the ground, shaking the entire palace. The plumber was hoping that would throw the king off his game or distract him even, but all Luigi had managed to do was infuriate Bowser.  

“What did you say?” 

Luigi had to physically stop himself from shivering. Those fangs looked pointy, smoke literally pouring from Bowser’s nostrils - the plumber’s intrusive thoughts conjured up images of being crushed between those mighty jaws. But despite the pants-wetting terror of it all, Luigi forced himself to remain 'calm'. If he was going to get spit-roasted, the plumber was going to get in a good one-line before he did.

Mario would have been proud.

“I-I said, no princess would ever love you.”

“Really now, and why is that exactly?”

“W-well for one - you’re an irredeemable monster! A-and you kidnap people!”

“And so what?” Bowser chuckled. “Can’t a woman love a giant fire-breathing turtle if he’s good inside?”

“You’re not good inside - you’re evil. Pure evil!”

“What did you say?!”

“I know what I said -” Luigi spits, though it came out as more of a splutter with his quivering lips. “You’re a bad, rotten mean person - and no one would ever love you!”

“Rotten?!”

The king’s mouth snaps open, roaring loud enough to blow his cap right off his head. Luigi shuts his eyes, both to avoid the spittle and  the inevitable blaze that the dragon was going to shoot his way.

But it never comes.

Carefully, the plumber allowed himself a peek: Bowser looked a lot less angry and a lot more conflicted. Did his insult actually manage to shake the invincible tyrant? Whoever this Princess Peach was, she had herself a secret admirer. Luigi would have envied her, but Bowser was not someone he wanted as a lover. Or anywhere near him for that matter.

“You know - I was honestly planning to kill you.”

"But-" Bowser grinned, turning towards him with a menacing glint in his terrifying eyes. “I have come up with a better idea. Guards! Leave us."

Oh now he really had damn done it.

Despite the lack of pointy spears at his sides, the plumber was tenser than before; as rigid as a board. He could see it already: an ocean of fire blasting onto his delicate cheeks and leaving nothing but roasted Luigi.

His chin is grabbed and pulled closer to Bowser's jaws, and the plumber muttered a few prayers under his breath before the flames arrived.

“Behold, my flawless charisma.” 

In what had to be the most cringe-inducing scene the plumber had ever seen, the giant fire-breathing turtle runs one hand along his tuft of red hair dramatically; raising one eyebrow before flicking his head towards Luigi with the air of a person who had one too many drinks at the bar. 

“You know- a lady like you makes a man like me rrrreally come out of my shell. Fancy a drink or two?”

“...”

“What? Why aren't you professing your love for me?"

Luigi puffs up his cheeks, biting back his true emotions. The whiplash was just too much.

Breathe. Just breathe. Don't laugh.

He was a balloon, one on the edge of exploding at the worst possible moment in his very, very short life. Forget the one-liner: Luigi was on the brink of dying of canned laughter.

“Sire, if I may-” Kamek tries, before being shut down with a scorching side-eye. “Nevermind.”

“Answer me human! What was that reaction?! Are you deaf?”

The plumber's laughter was water boiling in a kettle, and Bowser was completely oblivious to it even as smoke was pouring out of Luigi’s ears.

Desperately, the man tried to think of something less funny. Dogs dying in movies. Smelly onions. Poop jokes.

But even if his life depended on it (which it kind of did), Luigi's brain was dead-set on replaying the image of Bowser's attempt at seducing him. "Pf-pffft..."

“Unless, you are rendered - speechless?" Bowser says. "I see, of course you would-"

"SPEECHLESS?! AS IF! HAHAHHAHA!" He couldn’t stop himself any longer: Luigi laughed out loud harder than he ever had. " SPEECHLESS! HAHAH!"

“What? Why are you laughing? Why is he laughing!”

Bowser’s utter and complete obliviousness to the concept of embarrassment was one thing, but the fact that the turtle looked like he was blushing made the entire thing even funnier. Kamek looked like he was holding back a giggle, and that only set off Luigi even more. 

Eventually, when his chest hurts, Luigi finally slows down. It took a bit of time before he could speak instead of wheeze.

“Are you done yet?” The king growled, with the slightest hint of embarrassment. 

“Ah - almost, almost. Just - ah - give me a second to - hah - catch my breath.”

With deep breaths, Luigi just about managed to calm down; face flushed a deep red. The gravity of the situation sinks in yet again, but somehow the plumber was much less afraid of Bowser than he was before. This guy wasn't a tyrant or a king, he was one of those high-school bullies Mario always beat up. Just bigger. And able to breath fire.

“Ok. ok. Now I’m done.”

“Great.” The lizard rolled his eyes. “Now tell me, what's so funny?”

"No-nothing."

"Oh no, no I think there is something."

A claw touches the tip of his chin, forcing Luigi to stare into the eyes of his captor. Bowser let out a low animalistic growl, irises turning scarlet with a burning rage. Ironically, that only emboldens the timid plumber further; Luigi narrowing his glare to match Bowser’s intensity.

"Tell me. Now."

“I- I mean that has to be the worst pickup line I have ever heard. Ever.”

“I told you it wouldn’t work!” The turtle hissed at Kamek, before turning back to Luigi with a renewed hatred. “Bah, it doesn’t matter anyway. Even if Princess Peach doesn’t fall for me at the wedding, I have a plan!”

“What? Don’t tell me it’s more pickup lines?”

“.... You wouldn't understand! Do  you know how long it took for me to come up with those? I even have categories and- ”

“Sire.” Kamek intervenes, wagging his wand and inadvertently shaking Luigi as well. He nearly pukes. “If I may.”

“You may.”

“I suggest showing him - the backup plan.”

“What backup plan?”

The mage slaps his hand over his face, pushing up his tinted glasses. For Kamek’s sake, Luigi decided not to laugh at the confused Bowser. He seemed a little more pleasant to be around than the king.

“The one that I helped you with.”

“But I was saving that for Peach-”

"There's no point!" The plumber blurts, unable to shut his mouth in time. "It'll never work anyway!" 

"Why you little-"

Bowser inhales sharply, gripping at his chest to steady the fire. Luigi was getting to him, which was good because that meant the king was going to do something stupid. Like maybe letting Luigi out of Kamek's magical cage so that the plumber could run as fast as he could for the doors. In hindsight, goading a giant fire-breathing dinosaur into testing out seduction methods on him was not the best of ideas. 

“Look on the bright side, sire, perhaps this - plumber - may make a good test subject.” The wizard negotiates. “We could use him as a lab rat, and improve on the plan for when you use it on Peach.”

“Lab rat?!”

His cry of shock is ignored by both of his captors, and his fear of the former returns in full force. Especially with the way Bowser was looking at him: like the delicious last strawberry glazed donut in the box. “Wait what are you going to do to-”

"You and me, Luigi?" The dinosaur grins darkly. "We are going to have fun. A lot of fun.”

Chapter Text

Somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom

 The Fire Flower field was the most beautiful thing Mario had ever seen, an ocean of oranges glittering like miniature stars. A gust of wind causes sparks to fly from the flowers as they dance to the breeze, little bits of flame flying into the air. Sitting atop a flat rock, the plumber sighed; holding his head in his gloved hands. Luigi would have loved to see this. They hadn’t gone camping since he was a little boy.

Well the brothers tecnically broke into Central Park and tried to avoid the night-shift guards for as long as possible: but it's the thought that counts.

“Woof.” He whistles to himself, feeling the heat from a nearby flower. “Can’t get this in kind of view Brooklyn.”

“Brooklyn? What a strange name for a kingdom.”

The plumber brushed off a wave of nervousness as Princess Peach sat cross-legged on a rock, casually eating one of Toad’s creations. While they were certainly healthier than his usual diet, Mario preferred other pleasures in life: pleasures shaped like a cheeseburger and fries. 

“Want some?” Peach offered through a bite, covering her mouth with her free hand. “You look - mhm - hungry.”

“Oh no, no I’m good. Thanks.”

“Are you sure Mario? You haven’t eaten dinner yet.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got a lot of food already- right here.”

Mario slaps his belly heartily, which Peach somehow found funny. Her giggle made the butterflies in his stomach go wild. 

“But seriously, Mario, you need to eat.” Before he can protest, Peach presses her bowl of food into his hands. “Our journey is just beginning. You’ll need all the strength you can get.”

Mario shuts his eyes as the food's noxious fumes force their way into his nose; not much better than it looked. How did Peach even eat this stuff?  The brave plumber gulped down his disgust: using her spoon to lift up a wad of grilled - something. Whatever it was, it was slimy and soft.

“For the record - I’m only doing this because you asked nicely - not because I’m hungry.”

His stomach rumbles. Peach rolled her eyes.

“Sure you are.”

Bland as Toad's cooking was, the plumber found he kind of liked it: even if the texture and smell were convergent to wet newspapers and cardboard. Mario flicks out a stray bit of roasted mushroom with his borrowed spoon, no amount of flavoring could fix those things. “Euch. Disgusting.”

"Wish someone else ate them instead.."

He is reminded of Luigi. 

His appetite is replaced by swirling memories of his brother; green cap fluttering in the wind. The plumbing business was his idea; and look where it had gotten them. If Mario hadn’t insisted on going down to fix that pressure valve, would Luigi have been safe? Would all of this never have happened?

In all of his attempts to be a hero, Mario had failed to save the one person that mattered. Some hero he was.

“Hey.” A delicate hand landed onto his shoulder. “Are you ok?”

“I-I’m fine.”

“You can tell me.”

“No. No, I'm good.” 

“Is it about your brother?”

Mario nearly choked on the food he was eating. “Is it that obvious?”

“Well - it kind of is.” Peach's tone is the right mix of commanding and gentle to slip past his guard, identical to Ma after she heard about Mario fighting at school again. “I may not be able to understand what you're going through, but I want to help you."

"I-it's nothing."

"Even if that's true, I have your back. Let me help."

Her words strike a chord in his wounded heart. "Well, I - You do have a way with words your majesty."

“Ever since we were young - I’ve protected him." Mario's fist clench. "From bullies, from the weather, from a pack of stray cats Luigi tried to feed.”

"He- he's so soft." The brother sighed, putting his hat into his hands and fiddling with the brim. “I-I think - no, I know - he can handle himself, but  I-I can't stop thinking about him. What if Bowser eats him? Or sets him on fire? Or worse?”

"He won't. I guarantee it."

“But how do you know? If this Bowser guy is as bad as you say then-"

"Whatever happens, we will stop Bowser." Peach leaned in a little closer. "With the Kongs, our combined forces will storm his kingdom and take back the Power Star."

It was almost as if she didn't hear what he said. 

"I-It's not about Bowser, I'd face him any day of the week. It's about Luigi."

"L-Luigi?"

"What if we're too late? W-what if he's already gone when we get there? W-what if this was all for nothing?"

Unable to stomach the thought, Mario slumped forward; hiding his forlorn eyes with the brim of his red cap. Peach looked like she had something to say, but the princess held her tongue; twirling a lock of her golden hair in one finger.

“Sorry. Kinda killed the mood huh?"

A response is needed, but Peach is unable to provide one: choosing to stare out into the flower fields and ruminating over his heavy words.

"Heh." Mario chuckles darkly. "I’m gonna wash this. See ya.”

Peach watched him go, eyes lingering on the plumber’s broad back. 

He was so different from what she was used to. The Toads under her rule were always happy and content, Peach never had to deal with something so traumatic and harsh before. The maelstrom of emotions that the poor plumber was experiencing only deepened a pit of uneasiness in her stomach: now Peach truly wished she was raised by her own family instead. Did they even care about her?  Her intrusive thoughts only darkened the mood further.

The gentle swaying of the fire flowers reminded her of an old fairy tale: one her caretaker Toadsworth used to tell her before bed.

Flower petals blown with sincere hearts and kindness were said to be able to carry the wishes or messages, regardless of distance. It was why Peach woke up with petals on her nightstand every night, even after the kindly old Toad had long passed away. The princess gently plucked a handful, whispering into the smoldering embers of the power-ups.

"Wherever you are Luigi, be strong. We will not give up on you."

For her sakes and Mario's, Peach watched as the glowing sparks flew up into the air: carrying her wishes to a man she had never met.

Level 8-0: The Prison for Ritual Sacrifices. Not to be confused with the one for “Just for Fun” Sacrifices.

“MAMMMA MIIAA! I’M GOING TO DIE ALONE!”

Luigi cried out, screaming into his cap while laying flat on the floor of his cell. The poor guy hadn’t felt this scared since his highschool crush asked him out, and at least Daisy didn't threaten to set him on fire if he said no.

“Die? Has the day of reckoning finally come? Will all of us despondent creatures earn our freedom through-”

“Silence Star of Death!” The Penguin King yells, rattling the bars of his cage as the two other penguins played a game of cards. “We do not need your words of demotivation in this trying time!”

“I speak not demotivation - only the truth. The cold bitter truth!”

“Ok guys! I get the point!” The plumber groans, slamming a fist on his cage. “Can a dead man have some silence?”

“The only silence you will have is the silence of dea-”

“You heard him!” The penguin shouts. “Silence!”

The chain rattles, ancient machinery struggling to support his weight. Luigi pulls his knees closer to his chest, glancing towards the other cells as he is gradually pulled up. Every other prisoner either nods solemnly or winces in fear, except for the blue star. The blue star was clapping and cheering. 

“Good luck mortal! May the Void welcome you into her loving embrace.”

Without warning, his cell shoots upward at light speed.

Luigi screams in fear as he is pressed back-first onto the ground. His cell is swung up and around, a fountain of puke rapidly building in his throat. The poor plumber turns a new shade of green when the cell swings to a stop, slamming face first into the cell’s bars. He clutches at his stomach as the cell’s doors open, revealing a pair of guards and Kamek.

“Welcome to Bowser’s Castle - from now on you are an honored guest and-”

“Argh - HUAHKKKK!”

His projectile vomit erupts as soon as he opens his mouth; splattering onto the face of one guard. The other points and laughs, until Luigi accidentally turns his stream of puke towards the second guard. As the second one gags, scraping his tongue with both hands, Kamek wipes the vomit from his conjured shield with an invisible windshield wiper.

“Ok.” The wizard snaps his fingers, removing all the vomit. “That was - unexpected.”

"S-sorry. I get kind of motion sick really easily.”

“No problem. I’ve dealt with worse from my son.”

Luigi stumbles as he lands on the floor, nearly falling back over the ledge as his former prison is pulled up and away. The pale Koopa guards stood much further back, eyeing his mouth warily. “So, for the wedding outfit. Crown or no crown?”

“Uh - is there a get out of prison option?”

“Crown it is.”

A beam of color is fired from the wand, and when the smoke clears - Luigi finds himself in a pure white wedding dress; right out of a fairy tale. He twirled around, letting the cloth follow behind like a trail of clouds. He wanted to be a tailor before Mario roped him into the whole plumber business, Luigi knew a work of fine art when he saw one. The wizard had even kept his hat, although it was contained by a dainty little tiara encrusted in diamonds; like a bird in a cage.

"I rocked the look better honestly."

"Excuse me?"

"Nevermind that. What do you think? Is it comfortable?"

Kamek reminded Luigi of his grandparents: kindly and one of the few people who actually asked him anything instead of just asking Mario. He couldn't help but relax a little around the wizard.

“The sleeves are a bit long.”

“Agreed.” Kamek nodded sagely, waving his wand and correcting the mistake. “And it is a bit tight around the waist - though not many can match the princess’ physique.”

His dress is loosened: allowing Luigi to breathe. He felt up his body, the fabric of the dress soft and light. He took a few tentative steps forward, enjoying the soft rustle of it trailing behind his back. 

"Look, I know I'm not going to be in one piece after this - but can you at least add a gemstone or two to the dress? I wanna go out with style."

"Hmm... Won't it be too flashy? A little distracting?"

"No, of course not." Luigi tried to not be come off as too cocky, but what did he have to lose? His life? That was already gone. "I need emeralds or aquamarine in the tiara, and maybe a little bit of gold on the dress."

"Well, whatever you say dear."

With a snap, the dress is modified. Luigi managed a small nod of approval.

"Not bad. Honestly, you have good tastes Mr Kamek."

"Of course I have good taste." The wizard rubbed the orb on the tip of his scepter with a proud scoff. "I'm the best designer and model in the Dark Lands, what else did you expect?"

“KAMEK!” A familiar baritone roars from afar, Luigi flinching at the loudness. “WHERE IS MY WIFE?”

He gasps, butterflies rattling in his stomach; and not the ‘in love’ kind. “Oh mama mia.” 

‘Hey, don't be so glum Princess - he’ll love it. Now go out there and slay.”

“What? No! I-I don’t care about what Bowser thinks?! I-"

With a wave of his wand, Luigi is thrown up into the air; a bouquet of chomping flowers appears in his hands. One takes a bite of his combed mustache, and the plumber screams as he is sent barreling towards the slowly opening doors. 

BANG!

“Behold!” A winged Koopa bows, blowing a trumpet. “The Mushroom Kingdom’s Queen and Ruler - Princess Peach Toadstool!”

Of course Bowser had to go all out for even a practice run; and Luigi’s jaw dropped at the opulence of it all. Lava ran down from holes in the walls, emphasizing the bleak black skies in the castle’s open air cathedral. Dozens of oddly shaped crafts with miniature propellers floated in the sky, some painted with the face of Bowser himself. Luigi could have sworn he saw the shadow of a gargantuan dragon drift by, but when he blinks there are only clouds.

He staggers down the aisle in a daze, eyes frantically avoiding eye contact with the menagerie of monsters Bowser had called guests. Living bombs, transparent ghosts with long winding tongues and even stranger littered the seating area. A gargantuan plant adjusts in his pot, grinning with a mouthful of teeth and a bonnet of flowers. A pair of purple mushroom headed aliens in magenta dresses lurk atop a flying saucer. A paper-thin jester gave him a wink, mask split evenly into a black and white half. And of course, there were koopas; bearing a rainbow of colors on their shells and an arsenal of deadly weapons. 

“Yo Peach! Nice hat!”

“Quit gawking at the bride Topper!”

As the rabbits bickered amongst themselves, Luigi stepped over the boot of a wall with eyes and a deep grimace. He squeaked as a pair of flying Koopas flew overhead, dropping down flower petals from a pair of baskets in their hands. Luigi let out a weak laugh as one lands on his nose, but it ignites into flame at his touch. 

“Boo!”

“AAHHHHH!”

“Hah.” The gargantuan ghost cackles, sticking out his purple tongue. “What a baby.”

The plumber internally sighed and powered on, long numb to this kind of treatment. He felt so alone without Mario by his side, so useless and so weak. If his brother was here, Luigi was sure that the red-capped plumber would have fought his way out of this mess lickety split.

“Walk faster! I don’t have all day!”

At the end of the aisle was an archway, decorated with skulls and bones. Some snapped and spoke as the plumber approached, though nothing could scare him as much as the reptilian tyrant looming over the assembled monstrosities.

Bowser was rocking a colonial-style greatcoat, a monochrome white outfit complimented by a skull-faced tie and a pair of black formal shoes with fiery streaks. The suit did nothing to hide his large frame, muscular limbs accented by the diamond-encrusted bracers on his shoulders and neck. The dinosaur flexed his painted claws, lips curling up into a grin that had too much affection for a pretend wedding. Completing the 'I'm going to eat you after the wedding' look was an intricately decorated top-hat: modified to allow the king’s polished horns to poke through the rim. “Mhm. Princess."

"Your beauty is mesmerizing to eye as usual, allow me to take your hand in marriage.”

“Uhhh… Okie dokie?”

“You’re supposed to gush over me." The reptile sighed, readjusting his top hat to reveal a neat ponytail that Kamek definitely tied for him. "But I didn't expect anything less from a man with a severe lack of taste. Like you.”

With a swipe, Bowser takes the bouquet, tossing it roughly into the crowd. Someone squeals as they catch it, before being rapidly shushed by the assembled crowd. With a pop, Kamek reappears at the lectern. Maybe if Luigi somehow pushed Bowser into the convenient sea of lava nearby, he could escape in the chaos. 

“Koopas, Goombas and everyone else, we are gathered here today to celebrate the betrothal of The Great and Mighty Lord Bowser Koopa to Princess Peach Toadstool.” Kamek coughs. “May the groom kindly recite his vows?”

“I, Bowser Koopa the Second, promise to devote myself to you as you to me."

I solemnly swear to love you through every hardship and every woe we may face as a family, and to mourn you when you inevitably die before I do."

"I will dedicate my entire being to making sure our marriage is a thing of beauty and power, like the Super Star that I have painstakingly stolen to serve as your wedding dowry.”

“Excellent! A round of applause for the groom please?”

The entire cathedral erupts into a raucous din of noise, a variety of mobs and monsters clapping and cheering with their souls. A pair of metallic balls with teeth chomped and barked, above the high-pitched shrieks of the ghosts hovering in the air. Luigi closed his ears with a wince as someone shrieked loudly even for the crowd’s standards, something about ‘being crushed in Lord Bowser's juicy thighs’. That couldn't be right.

“And now for the bride.” Kamek drawled on, unconcerned. “Princess, if you will.”

“I, Luigi-” The harshness of Bowser’s cruel glare early caused the plumber’s soul to leave his body. “I-I mean, I, Princess Peach Mushroom, will keep you happy - uh -  as long as you don’t execute me in a slow and miserable fashion. Is that good?”

 Kamek shrugs, and Bowser snorts in disdain. To be fair, Luigi didn’t know he was going to have this chance; he would have added a few more ‘colorful’ words if he had been given time to prepare.

“Well spoken Princess. A round of applause for the bride?”

Dead silence. 

“Did you hear him?! Clap you fools!”

Awkwardly, the crowd cheers - with a little less excitement and much more fear. Kamek raised a wrinkled hand for silence; at least someone was taking this joke fake wedding a little bit seriously. 

 “And with that, I declare you two King and Queen forevermore - Lord Bowser, you may kiss the bride.”

“Wait-what?!”

The plumber considers running off the edge and jumping into the ocean of lava, but he is grabbed before he jilt his groom. His screams of mercy fall on Kamek’s deaf ears, the wizard smiling widely as Luigi is pulled before Bowser’s puckered lips.

“Quit screaming and squirming.” The dinosaur hissed under his breath. “You’re making me look bad.”

“What else do you expect me to do?!” Luigi hissed back. "Pucker up? For you? I'd rather d-"

Before he can even finish,  Bowser goes right in.

Everyone clapped, some letting out wails and rivers of tears as the unwilling bride was kissed even harder by the giant fire-breathing monster. The smell of charcoal rushed into his nose; mixed with what Luigi assumed was the lizard’s natural body odor. He slaps and smacks ineffectively, Bowser’s scales as hard as the obsidian rock that made up the floor.

With a shudder, the plumber faints from all the fear - eyes rolling up to the back of his head and going limp. The dinosaur coughed up some fire, wiping his mouth as he pulled away.

“Euch. Your breath stinks. You need to brush your teeth more.”

“...”

“Really? You were fine with being imprisoned but not this?”

With a disappointed sigh, Bowser dropped him to the ground with a thud.

He rolled the plumber to face the sky with one foot, Luigi’s limp tongue frozen mid-gasp and arms splayed; akin to roadkill on a highway. The king took a deep breath, letting out an earth-shattering roar that managed to jump start Luigi’s heart.

Shooting up into the air with surprising force, he gasped for air and clutches at his chest.

“Mario? I-Is the nightmare over? Am I in Brooklyn again?”

“No.”

“Are you going to change that? Anytime soon?”

“Unfortunately for the both of us, I need you alive.”

“Oh thank God.”

“-so that I can watch your brother’s spirit die when I set you on fire before his eyes!”

Bowser cackles, and Luigi screams.

“Begin Phase 2!” The dinosaur stomps, roaring with enough dramatic flair to make a classroom of theater kids jealous. “It’s time for my honeymoon!”

Chapter Text

Level 8-1: Bowser’s Dining Hall

Luigi was expecting something worse for Bowser’s honeymoon; so eating at an uncomfortably crowded dining table was not that bad. But while everyone else got a juicy steak of what he hoped was not human meat, Luigi was stuck with a salad. It wasn’t even a good salad or anything, Luigi had no idea what kind of plant could have produced these leaves; but they clearly were not meant for human consumption.

“H-hey. Can I get something else? Like actual food?”

“Princesses don’t eat meat or sweets.” Bowser huffed, speaking through a mouthful of food. “Peach is vegetarian. That's why she's called Peach.”

“B-but I-I’m not-”

A fist slams on the table. Luigi whimpered as the groom leaned in, menacing despite the sauce staining his jaws. "Say that again?"

"I - uh - Nevermind."

He scooted a little further from the king’s overbearing shoulders, taking up the entire breadth at the head of the table. Luigi was still in his wedding dress, making the ambient heat of Bowser's volcanic castle even less bearable. Sweat forms across his forehead; the plumber downing another glass of ice water. He wondered how it was even possible that they had ice here.

“Psst. Princess.”

"Y-yeah?"

“Can you pass the hot sauce?” Kamek was a welcome breath of fresh air; Luigi almost considered him an ally in this hell scape of monsters. Almost.  "Thanks."

"Hot sauce? Sure I-"

Following Kamek's pointed finger, the plumber noticed the ruby red bottle; hidden behind one of Bowser's muscular arms. The king shifted to obscure it further. The plumber shot Kamek a harsh glare; and all he got in return was an unbearably smug smile.

"Uh Bowser." He squeaked. "Bowser-"

The king either didn't hear him, or didn't care. Bowser was talking to a big white ghost, arguing about a plan involving scientists and free mansions. Luigi hadn't taken Bowser to be that kind of villain, but he supposed that only a landlord could afford a castle this large. Have you seen those rental prices for a New York Studio apartments?!

Thanks to his inner monologue, Luigi managed to muster up the courage to reach over; pushing aside his fears. His trembling fingers were just a little bit short of the bottle, carefully weaving underneath the crook of Bowser's arm and around the king's skull-patterned beer mug. 

Voila!

He misses.

The plumber shot back into his seat at the speed of sound, inadvertedly knocking over Bowser's drink onto his suit. Immediately, a pair of furious scarlet eyes bored into his own. Luigi reclined as far as the chair allowed him when the dinosaur brought his teeth dangerously close. Suddenly the spikes on his mismatched top hat didn't look so stupid.

“What do you think you are doing, Princess?" Bowser growled. "Trying to sabotage my wedding outfit?"

“She, sorry, he was just getting me the hot sauce."

"Besides-" Kamek leaned over, using his wand to restore Bowser's suit. As the stain disappeared, the koopa monarch relaxed; slumping back into his extravagantly decorated throne; complete with gemstone-encrusted armrests. "The spill was an honest mistake."

“Y-yeah. What he said.”

“Tch.” With a creak, the bottle is slid over. “Could have just asked, Kamek.”

"Well, what can I say? A girl's gotta have fun."

Ignoring Kamek’s attempts at stirring the pot, Luigi timidly returned to his destitute meal of miscellaneous vegetables. Honestly? He was happy to be alive after that display of incompetence.

A plate is suddenly rolled his way, complete with a sizzling hot steak and fluffy mashed potatoes.

“A little a-boo-logy for the wedding thing.” The ghost winked. “Please, find it in your heart to forgive this foolish ghost. Princess.”

“Ah, no problema. Thanks."

The plumber attempted to sound cool and casual, but his empty stomach’s growling spoke for him. Luigi pushed aside his disgusting salad, pulling the steak ever closer. The smell of gravy, the popping of bubbles on the hot plate and the promise of a savory meal all clouded his vision; the man raising his fork into the air. He brought it down, preparing for the sweet squelch of meat and an end to his misery at the hands of a sweet succulent steak.

As soon as his fork touched it, the steak vanished: along with the plate, and everything else. Luigi stared at the table, dumfounded and blank. 

“Hah!"

The ghost was rolling in the air from his laughter, before floating closer so that every molecule of his spectral spit could splatter on Luigi's face and his food.

"Did you really just fall for that? What a Boo-zo you are!”

Luigi looked down the table, dozens of pairs of scathing eyes turned towards him. One or two Koopas were suppressing giggles looking at him, while the big ghost was still making faces nearby. He stabbed into the bowl with too much force, shoveling a bunch of greens into his mouth and chewing on them lifelessly.

“Hah. Good one! Love the jokes guys…”

Luigi reached for a napkin, but it folded into a bird and floated into the air. His hand balls into a fist as the plumber shoots up as fast as he can, but his dress causes him to fall across the table and spill salad across himself. Kamek was the only one who looked mildly concerned, with everyone else taking the time to point and laugh. Even the stoic koopa guards stationed at the doorways to the dining hall had taken notice, whispering to themselves and throwing more than a few judgmental stares. 

“Really? Twice? In a row?!” The napkin folds up, slapping itself onto his nose. “What a loser!”

As the ghost king mocked him, tongue spraying spit all over his pathetic salad, the plumber planted his flushed face onto the table. His stomach rumbled insistently, but Luigi’s appetite had vanished. He groaned under his breath, before moving back up with a half-smile. The table shifted. Luigi didn’t flinch as Bowser leaned in, eyeing the unfunny prankster with disdain. 

“You just gonna take that?” 

“What's the point of fighting back?” The man sighed. “I'm a joke.”

“Suit yourself.”

Luigi for his glass of water, only to grab nothing but empty air. He reaches for what he thinks is the real glass of water, only for a dozen identical copies to appear out of thin air. The plumber throws his hands up in frustration; slumping backwards onto his chair and crossing his arms.

"Aww, need a drink Princess? Here!"

One of the cups floated up, and splashed onto his face. Luigi's brows furrowed as water dripped from his mustache, ruining the exquisite white fabric of the dress Kamek had made for him. He wasn't going to give these bullies the satisfaction of a reaction.

But that didn't stop them from laughing.

Level 8-2: Bowser Castle Raceway

“Alright posers, losers and the one and only Great Lord Bowser, listen up!” A winged koopa shouts, the only one Luigi had seen with a blue shell. “For Lord Bowser’s honeymoon we’re doing 250 CC. You know the rules; no cheating, no ultra shortcuts and no powerups. If I see any one of that, you're getting put on gong duty! And trust me, the lavatories at this time are full!"

The race had an audience, hundreds of thousands of koopas and other assorted monsters waving flags in the stands. While most professed their love for Lord Bowser, one or two did the same for the blue winged koopa - the General of Bowser’s armed forces. Cramped between metallic monsters of vehicles on all sides, Luigi was left drifting in an ocean of cheers and vitriol without a life jacket. Worse still, he was at the front of the pack; whether he liked it or not, he was going to be going forward. 

Either by his engine, or those of the other racers biting at his heels. 

"Also we’ve got a princess on the track, so go easy on her!”

Every pair of eyes turned to Luigi. He sank a little bit deeper into the seat of his kart. Kamek had wished him up a helmet, but that was about all the plumber got for protection. 

Alright. No pressure.

“Well? What are you wusses waiting for? Start your engines!”

The roar of the cheering koopas was deafening. Blue Shell flapped even higher into the air, cracking his knuckles.

“On your marks!” He barked, waving a flag on the tip of his spear. “3!”

Luigi steals a glance at his rivals: shades of flame erupting from their exhaust pipes like artillery fire. His hands grip tighter on the steering wheel. Koopas press buttons on their cars, unfurling an array of spikes and rockets. Luigi scanned his own dashboard for anything he could use, but the kart he was given didn't even come with blinkers. What was this, a demolition derby?! 

“2!” 

Luigi squeaks in his dress as his kart is bumped forward, Bowser’s monster of a vehicle purring down his neck.

Instead of riding on a normal car, the King had chosen to use a living bullet: modified to include a larger version of the koopa’s horns as handholds and a dark green saddle. Unlike Luigi, who didn’t have a choice in what to wear, Bowser was in proper racing gear. The spikes on his shell peeked out of his black tracksuit as the titan cracked his neck muscles; clicking on a pair of fiery sunglasses.

It would have been kind of cool - if not for the fact Luigi was going to be run over by that thing.

“1!”

The announcer blew a loud horn, the trumpet echoing in Luigi’s bones But soon the feral howl of dozens of engines drowns out all rational thought. Luigi swallowed his fear, pressing his foot onto the pedal.

“Go!”

His kart is thrown and spun around, a dozen vehicles brushing past at once. Luigi’s kart had acceleration and speed, but the driver lacked the ability to use it. The plumber was ricocheted to the head of the pack, only for a stray explosion to send Luigi careening from side to side. Screaming all the way, he desperately tries to turn the car around; causing even more koopas to rush into him bumpers-first.

“Waaah!”

Luigi represses another surge of vomit, desperately spinning the wheel as he realigns to face the road. The plumber barely keeps himself on the narrow path, leaning over the dangling pit of lava Bowser had chosen to install right beneath the raceway. His kart readjusts in the nick of time, Luigi crashing back to stability before rushing onwards.

Until he slams the brakes, stopping in the middle of the path.

Coming in dead last was humiliating, yes, but he had been through worse. Pretending to be a demure submissive princess had killed Luigi's pride; and that disastrous humiliation over lunch burned the ashes. It did not help that every single koopa took the time to throw a few insults his way as they drifted past.

“Good race pal! Too easy!”

“You drive like a turtle!”

“This ain’t 50 CC kid! You don’t belong here!”

Luigi let himself relax as he watched the fading shapes of the other racers, Bowser in the lead. If the kart shaped dent in the bullet was any indicator, it was the king who sent Luigi flying within the first few seconds of the race. But as the plumber follows their path, his face turns pale.

It was a circular raceway. They were coming back around.

Putting the pedal to the metal, Luigi’s weakened kart blazes forward with a roar of power. He could feel every bump in the road, every jitter and lurch a punch to his sensitive stomach. Eventually, his injured kart gives up on him; the wheel breaking off and racing on without the rest of the kart. Luigi’s jaw drops when it teeters carefully over the edge, and falls into the lava below.

“Hey, New Fish.” The General flies by, eyeing his broken kart with disdain. “Getting into your shell makes the crashes hurt less.”

“Bu-but I don’t have a shell-”

“Oh I know! See you at the hospital, loser!”

Luigi gulped as soon as he heard the telltale boom of a large object breaking the sound barrier, and he said his prayers as he watched the gargantuan bullet that was Bowser round the corner. The king’s smile grew even wider, clamping his claws onto his mount’s metallic body to push it to go even faster. Its eyes turn from a dull white to scarlet red; speed increasing tenfold. 

“Oh ravioli.”

BOOM!

Level 8-5: Bowser’s Lava Baths

When Luigi comes to, it is elsewhere.

“W-where am I?”

He is pulled to his feet by the scruff of his soot-covered wedding dress, more like a funeral gown with all the dirt and holes in its fabric. Luigi is thrown and dropped onto the edge of a cliff, the sight of the sheer drop being more than enough to awaken the plumber.

“Welcome to the lava baths.” Bowser grunts, having removed his clothes in favor of wearing a bright pink towel around his shell. Luigi didn’t know why he bothered, the king was technically always naked. “You smell that? Good ol’ fire and brimstone - nothing better to wake up to then that.”

The sky was overcast with black clouds, leaving the only source of light being ominous torches lining the walls and the glow of the lava. Standing above an ocean of magma was a singular statue of a flexing Bowser, lava pouring from his mouth into the pool. It had a gothic appeal to it, one drowned out by how egotistical it was to have a giant muscular statue of yourself in what was essentially your bathroom. Luigi looked to the statue, then to Bowser. The king had taken more than a few artistic liberties with the design; adding not just long flowing hair, but enough muscles to fill a gym the day after New Years.

A thought occurs to him.

“Oh no." Luigi whimpered, backing away from the cliff with his new realization. "Oh no no no-”

“Come on. It’s not that hot.”

“Not that hot?! It’s lava!”

“Tch. Fine. Koopas! Flower me!"

The king extends a palm, and a group of flying koopa drops a golden cube into his grasp. Luigi barely noticed the white question mark on its faces before Bowser crushed it in his palm; revealing a small orange flower. One that was on fire. 

“Touch it.”

“No! Are you crazy?! That thing’s on fire!”

“Take it now or I will burn you alive!”

With the threat of Bowser quickly outweighing anything else, Luigi grabs the entire flower in his palm. He winces as the pain sears through his gloves, but it is replaced by warmth. Luigi opened his eyes, noticing a shimmering light forming around his body. Dropping the darkened flower, the plumber looked down at his palms; a surge of power mending his fatigue and injuries. It was a cup of tea on a rainy day, like the peace of mind brought about by watching the raindrops fall across the window from inside your apartment.

“What’s happening to me? Wha-what is this power?"

"It's a power-up." Bowser grunted unhelpfully. "You touch it, and your power goes up. Not much there to it."

Ignoring the big green killjoy, Luigi flicked out his arms; allowing the flower's energies to flow through his entire body. His burnt dress disappears - revealing his plumber’s outfit. Luigi’s hat and shirt turned white, and the blue jumpers shifted to a viridian green. Another surge of energy arrived as the flower dissipated completely, little motes of light entering into his skin. Luigi noted a shimmering layer appear over his entire body: a semi-transparent shield that shot his confidence through the roof. Gone was the fatigue of the constant abuse, replacing it was the warmth and confidence of a man in control.

“Che bello!” Luigi punches in the air. "I-I feel super!"

Pulling down his gloves with a satisfying snap, the plumber jumps in the air; landing with a soft thud. He was like a superhero or something, there was no way Luigi was even able to jump half that high before the fire flower gifted him its strength.

"This is so cool!"

“So hot you mean.”

Right. Bowser. 

“Done taking it in yet? Good. Now jump.”

But while Luigi was more confident, he was still far from stupid. 

“J-jump in?! In there?! Are you insane? That’s lava! L-A-V-A lava!”

“And, so what? You have the power-up, don't you?”

“I-I’ll die!”

"What? Don't you trust me?"

Luigi shot him a harsh glare. With his newfound strength, he found the courage to take a few steps back from the looming shadow that was Bowser. Sure, he would probably get squashed like a bug even if he did try to fight back; but that didn't mean he was going to go with whatever this deranged dinosaur had in mind.

"Really?" Bowser had the audacity to raise an eyebrow. "After all I've done?"

 Luigi let his silence to the talking for him, hiding his trembling limbs and the rapid drumming of his anxious heart with a cold stare. One that Bowser seemed to see through in an instant. 

"Whatever." he sighs. "Well I'm just going to - WAIT! IS THAT YOUR BROTHER!"

“MARIO?!”

“IS THAT YOU?!" Luigi's first instinct is to look at the direction Bowser was pointing at, breaking into a sprint and leaning over the edge. He scanned the dark sky for even the slightest hint of his brother, hopefully riding on some kind of dragon ten times Bowser's size that could eat him for dinner. "PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS SON OF A -”

Something bumps his back.

From freefall, Luigi saw Bowser smugly smiling from the safety of the ledge, rubbing his claws in satisfaction.

Yeah. Should have seen that coming.

“AAAAAAAHHHHH”! Luigi scrambles in the air for anything to hold on to, flailing uselessly as the volcano’s pool rises up to meet him. Even with his newfound energy, the rocks looked painful to hold onto. “MAMMAAA MIAA!”

Luigi plunges into the depths of the lava, screaming as he flails about for a moment. It was only after a second or two that he realized that he was not burning, in fact the fiery rock around him felt about as hot as a swimming pool did in summer. Luigi kicked upwards on instinct, breaking the surface with a gasp. His outfit was an unfamiliar white and green - shimmering with magic as it pushed aside the lava.

“Woah…” He rubbed his forehead in realization. “I’m fireproof! Let’s a-go!”

The plumber dipped in and out of the fire, feeling nothing but a comfortable warmth. With one hand, he formed another fireball - tossing it from one palm to another. Luigi rolled it over the surface of the magma, watching it bounce across the liquid’s surface before sizzling out with a puff of smoke.

A circular shadow appears around him. Luigi looked up, seeing an asteroid falling from the heavens. A spiky, green Bowser-shaped asteroid.

“SKADOOSH!”

The entire island leans to one side from the force of the impact, a gargantuan gout of lava erupting from the baths.

Level 8-4: Bowser’s  Imperial and Extravagant Throne Room

“HAHAHAHAHAH!”

Luigi sighed, tattered dress dragging pathetically behind him. Without the magic of the fire flower, the plumber was exhausted; too exhausted to protest at the fact he had been forced into his old char-grilled dress; more black than white. Sensing that Luigi was down on his luck, the tyrant smirked; a shit-eating grin that Luigi wanted to slap right off his jaws. Even if he didn’t have the balls to do it.

“Oh no, Mario! Come save me.” He guffaws, mocking Luigi’s accent with surprising accuracy. “Save me from the big bad lizard! Hah! What a coward you are Luigi.”

The titan slumped onto his throne with a resounding crash, picking at his claws leisurely as the defeated plumber kneeled on the stairs. Luigi couldn't even take the low hanging fruit and insult him about his weight: far too tired to care about any attempts from Bowser act provoking him into action.

“What? Not going to say anything??

The mockery stings; but Luigi reigns it back. His fists ball up as the plumber turns away, looking down at the ground and shutting his eyes. Every bit of him was screaming at him to stand up for himself; but Luigi just couldn’t.

“You know, if anyone has the right to be angry, it’s me.”

Heavy footsteps echo behind him.

“You’re a horrible Princess Peach. I’ve been trying to be patient, but honestly I can’t think of a single thing in my honeymoon that you haven’t ruined. My suit is ruined because of you, my Bullet Bill has a dent in it - because of you. I mean, I haven’t even gotten a thank you for letting you out of prison, or for not burning you alive when I had the chance."

"Then again, You’re a laughingstock with no talents, all you’re good for is being the butt of a joke. A big fat liability. ”

 Bowser was closer, the plumber feeling the warm air of the dinosaur’s foul-smelling breath.

“No wonder Mario is taking his sweet time, maybe he doesn’t want to save you anymore.”

A nerve is struck. Luigi stomps onto his feet, wheeling to face Bowser with an unfamiliar rage in his step.

“You know what?” His hand shoots up, slapping the koopa king with a fury Luigi didn’t even know he had. “SCREW YOU BOSWER!”

“Honestly? I’d rather be in prison than look at your stupid ugly face! What? You think I’m going to kiss your toes just because you didn’t kill me? You self centered arrogant prick! If I’m a joke, at least I’m not the biggest one in the room right now! Peach will never ever love you, no one will!”

The plumber readjusts his cap with a chuff, swallowing the rest of his emotions and wiping the sweat off his brow. Instead of backing down under Bowser’s furious glare, Luigi glared back beneath his cap; a silent challenge to an argument.

One left unanswered.

“There it is. That’s who I want to see.”

“What?”

“Not the sniveling, snot-faced coward, but the real Luigi. The one who stood up to a fire-breathing dinosaur on the first day they met.” The plumber is left breathless as the king strides around him, the red hand mark on Bowser’s face fading fast. “Doesn’t it feel good Luigi? To let it all out? To rage and scream against the machine? When was the last time you ever did that?”

The plumber tried to muster some kind of witty retort, but he genuinely couldn’t remember. It was always Mario doing the fighting, Mario doing the talking and Mario doing the leading. Luigi sort of trailed along behind him, hiding safe and sound behind his brother’s shadow. 

“Is this your attempt at winning me over to your side? The whole ‘we aren’t so different’ kind of thing?”

“Why would I need to?

"You’re useless to me, and that’s a fact.”

Somehow, the king’s blunt honesty was comforting. 

“But I do see a little, teensy tiny hint of potential in you.” Bowser wrapped a hand on his shoulder, claw pressing him to the king’s side. “You’ve got the makings of a star Luigi, and seeing as I’ve already won Peach over thanks to my flawless plan and holding the entire Mushroom kingdom hostage, might as well help a brother out in need. Bro code over enemy code and all that, or whatever that Robotnik idiot said.”

His heart catches in his throat. Did Bowser just compliment him? Unironically?

“Now then.” The koopa returned to his usual bluster, lighting up with a devious edge.  “Kamek! Stop watching those soap operas and get over here!"

With a poof, the magician reappears; bowing before the king respectfully. “My liege?”

“Get us to the arena! It's time for some training!”

Chapter Text

Level 8-3: Koopa Training Grounds

“Come on Luigi!" The plumber’s arms groaned from the effort as he slowly raised his head, chin rising above the bar.  "You can do this!”

Luigi huffs as he barely goes over the bar. With a grunt, the man lets go; falling back onto the softness of the mat. He took a moment to catch his breath; realizing the true height of the pull up bar now that he was on the ground. Had he really gone that far up?

“T-there we go. 30 pull-ups, exactly like you asked.”

“Hm.”

The king sat cross-legged on a large stone throne, clearly specifically made for him, wearing a pair of squarish reading glasses while reading a large comic book magazine. Noticing him staring, Bowser’s tail flicks forward.  A water bottle rolled towards his feet innocently, the plumber grabbing it with a trembling hand. Obviously, Luigi didn’t drink it.

“I-is this poison?”

“There are simpler ways for me to end your life.”

“Hah. T-true.”

The parched plumber took a sip, his throat drier than the Sahara Desert. It was in fact ordinary water, cold despite the blistering heat of Bowser's Castle. Did the koopas have a refrigerator tucked away somewhere? He splashed the rest on his face, sighing in relief as the cold liquid trickled down his chin.

“Hey, do you have a-”

A towel is flicked; landing on his face with a slap. He peeled it off gingerly. 

Luigi muttered a ‘thank you’ which he doubted Bowser even heard, before drying off. The plumber pushed up to stand, stretching his sore back and sorer arms. Every part of his body was in pain, but it was a good pain. Luigi couldn’t remember the last time he exercised like this; apparently the pressure of being burnt to a crisp by a tyrannical king was a pretty good motivator.

“Nice towel by the way.” It was white with pink stripes, patterned with bow ties and a  pastel ‘W’ embroidered in gold. “I didn’t know you were a fan of pink.”

“I’m not.” 

“Oh? Isn’t this yours?”

After a moment of silence, Bowser folded up his reading material, throwing it behind him. His chair creaked as the king rose to his full height, and the plumber quickly scrambled to follow. 

Wandering through a maze of hallways and tunnels, Luigi couldn’t help but wonder about why the koopas would live like this willingly. A stalactite dangles dangerously from the roof, with a few spiders darting from in between cracks in the sone. Every hallway was dim and dreary; the few koopas they did pass by reflected that. Most looked bored, painting on each other’s shells or sharpening their metallic weapons. One or two were even sleeping on the job, but a single stomp from the king was enough to shock the slackers wide awake.

“Worthless.” The king muttered under his breath. "Soft-shelled buffoons." 

At one point, he saw a group of koopas playing a game of darts; with a mushroom headed thing acting as a bullseye. One catches him staring, and alerts the others. As they draw their assortment of pointing and slicing weapons, Luigi is pushed forward by a reptilian claw to Bowser's other side.

“He’s with me.”

“Oh of course Lord Bowser.” The flustered troop salutes, one slapping himself in the face on accident. “Apologies.”

Thankfully, they didn’t run into anyone else with ill intentions towards Luigi.  Sans Bowser of course.

The unlikely duo found themselves in a relatively open room; with nothing but a single platform and a few seating areas scattered around it. Under the king’s cold gaze, the plumber knew exactly what to do; wiggling his way through the ropes. Luigi’s heart began to hammer for no reason as the plumber looked around the arena; something was off about this.

“So? What are we going to do?” He asked tentatively.” What kind of exercise is this?”

Instead of an answer, Bowser got out another one of those big golden boxes from behind a stone throne. Did he really install those just for him? In every room? Luigi flinched as the king crushed it in his claws with a loud crack.

“Here.”

The plumber stumbles  to catch the little red mushroom that Bowser throws into the arena; taking  only a moment to scrutinize it before biting into the whole thing. Unlike the fire flower, Luigi didn’t feel warm or comfortable: did he get a dud power-up? Could power-ups even be duds?

“Uh Bowser-” He stammered. “I think you gave me a-”

Luigi stiffened when he heard the crunch of leaves.  He slowly turned to see what looked like a carnivorous plant; snapping its teeth-filled jaws with too much energy and eagerness. The plumber backed away when his opponent licked its lips, the inside of its throat lighting up with the orange glow of fire. Did everything in Bowser’s castle breathe fire?!

“W-what is that?!”

“You here for botany lessons or you here to man up? FIGHT IT!”

The plant retracts into its pot, before launching forward jaws-first. Luigi rolled out of the way, and broke into a sprint. Its jaws snap the air behind his rear end; teeth inches away from digging into his skin. Despite how hard it was to keep up the speed, anything was better than being torn apart. 

“STOP RUNNING!” Bowser shouted, safe from the sidelines. “YOU HAVE A POWER-UP! YOU'RE STRONGER NOW!”

Right! 

Luigi ducked under another lunge from the plant and grabbed beneath its neck. But for all the power-up did, the boost in strength was far from enough to stop the plant’s neck from snapping back. Luigi squealed as he was slingshotted into the arena’s ropes, then dragged across the ground like a tire dislodged from a broken car.

“Owie…”

The plant inhales sharply, before firing dozens of bouncing fireballs in quick succession. With a squeak, the plumber frantically zipped and rolled onto his feet; desperate to avoid the barrage of burns. He thought of trying to shoot a fireball, like with the flower, but somehow Luigi knew that it would have been for nothing. 

What would Mario do?

A lucky kick managed to send one of the projectiles right back at the plant’s mouth, causing it to choke and splutter on smoke. The plumber looked down at his shoe, completely unburnt. Maybe that powerup was doing something!

“Hah! Take that!”

The plant shot out and grabbed onto his hand, shaking Luigi like a toy and throwing him against the elastic ropes. The plumber had his breath pushed out of him, before his opponent nailed him with a flying dropkick to the face; leaving an ugly red mark on his nose. It lifts Luigi up with no effort, slamming him face-first to the floor one last time. It grabs onto his ass, Luigi squealing as the plant threw him all the way to the other side of the ring.

So much for winning.  

 Luigi groaned as he pulls himself up with the ropes, blue talking stars dancing in his vision. Muscles he didn’t even know he had were beginning to hurt.

“I-I can’t do this! I don’t wanna fight!”

“NO SURRENDER!” Bowser was shouting for no apparent reason, was it supposed to be motivating?  “IGNORE THE PAIN!”

“Easy for you to say! You breathe fire!”

"NO EXCUSES!"

Luigi’s retort is interrupted by another kick from the plant's surprisingly solid pot. The plumber grabbed onto the ropes for support, ignoring the chittering bouts of laughter from his botanic opponent.

“IGNORE YOUR EMOTIONS! REMEMBER WHY YOU FIGHT!"

Years ago

"Hey L Bozo!"

Oh God no.

A teenage Luigi is shoved into a locker, the door slammed onto his face. The meeker brother bit back a tear as his bullies mocked him with another hit from the door, one tall and thin and the other fat and round. Had he been a braver man, Luigi would have fired back a barb or two. Unfortunately, Mario got all the bravery; and Luigi all the idiocy. 

"Me and my bro here are hungry." The taller one commanded, flicking his nose.. “Lunch money! Now!”

“I-I gave it to you already! I don’t have any more!”

“LIAR!”

He squeaked, raising his hands in surrender. A punch sends Luigi crumpling into himself pathetically, before he is grabbed and pinned into the locker by the tall one. Grinning with his crooked nose, the bully throws a hard punch to the coward's nose. 

“Last warning!” The chubby one grins, breath smelling of garlic. “Give us the cash, or we’ll give you the crash!”

“What he said!”

“I-I-”

A flicker of courage. Luigi turns to spit in the eye of the taller bully. The Stick scrambled back with a disgusted screech, and the Stone was too shocked to process his shove. With a sliding skitter, he dashed out of the locker - clutching at his schoolbag.

“Mario! Someone, anyone-”

“Oh no you don’t!”

"Little wuss! Who taught you to do that?" Like a dog on a leash, Luigi is yanked back by the I.D card on his neck. He dropped to the ground uselessly, screeching hoarsely for air as the bullies regained their footing. “You’re getting a swirly for that one Wee Gee!”

“Not on my watch!”

Unlike him, Mario was fast and strong; with one punch he sent the fat one reeling back. The skinny one curses, but his roundhouse kick goes right in between Mario and his red cap. Luigi watched as his brother effortlessly kicked the taller one in the groin, soon his two bullies were both writhing in the ground. 

“You ok Lu?” His brother asked, tone tinged with concern. “Did they hurt you?”

“Oh no, no it’s not much.”

Luigi desperately tried to hide his nose, bits of blood trickling down. Knowing full well that more was only going to deepen Luigi's emotional wounds, Mario held his tongue: instead handing his brother a few sheets of tissue paper to wipe it off. The younger brother sighed, hiding his face as if to hide his flushed embarrassment and bitter tears.

“What was that even about anyway? Did you piss them off or something?”

That topic was humiliating even by his standards, but under Mario’s scrutiny the plumber folds as easily as origami. 

“I-I’ve been giving them my lunch money. For a week.”

“What? Why?! Lu, you don't even have lunch money - Ma brings us both food from home! Did you even try saying no?”

"... Maybe?”

His brother’s silence told Luigi all he needed to know. As if to confirm his suspicions, Mario avoided his eyes, lowering his cap over his head. He could try and hide it all he wanted, but they both knew what Luigi actually was. A liability. 

“Whatever.” Luigi wiped away his tears, sniffing up snot as his brother sighed. “Let’s go before someone finds us.”

A sharp gasp stops them dead in their tracks. Just Luigi’s luck, the strictest teacher was standing at the end of the hallway; with him and Mario standing over a pair of injured students. And unlike with the previous three times this had happened, there weren't any witnesses to vouch for Mario and his innocence.

“Mario. Principal’s office. Now.”

“B-but-” Luigi stammered desperately. “Mam it was-”

“No excuses!”

For some reason, Luigi wanted to shout back; to tell her that it was their fault and not Mario’s. Angry tears well up in his eyes as the teen takes a step forward, only for a gloved hand to hold him back. Mario shook his head; and the coward could only watch as his brother took yet another bullet for him.

Defeated, Luigi ran as Mario was taken away. He staggered into an empty classroom, curling up into a ball on the floor and burying his head in his hands. A soft sob escaped his lips.

Men don’t back down from fights . His father told him. Men are strong, men never give up!

Luigi was no man. 

He was a loser, and he would always be.

Now.

No. Not anymore.

He had to be better. For Mario. For his family. 

Luigi's fists curled as he lowered himself into a fighting stance, spinning his cap the other way around. The plant hacks out a spiky ball, grabbing it within its teeth and slinging it forward. Luigi ducked under the attack, rolling forward and leaping straight for the carnivorous foe. It yelped in shock as Luigi nailed it with an uppercut, leaves flailing.

“Haiii-ya!”

The plumber leapt into the air, landing butt-first onto its stem. He wrangles its jaws shut and kicking at the back of the vegetable’s bulbous head. Luigi yelped as something cut the back of his overalls, sliding off as the plant took to the air. Leaves spinning like helicopter blades, the enemy unleashed another barrage of fireballs.

“Owie!” Ignoring his singed mustache, he kicked forward; knocking a fireball back to its sender. “Take that!”

Enraged at its poor accuracy, the plant dives forward: dozens of sharp teeth extending to their full length. Luigi made no attempt to block - twisting his body to one side. The plumber opened his eyes; seeing not the small red plant, but the outstretched claws and fiery gullet of his captor Bowser. Every cell in his body ignites with rage.

CLAP!

The plant falls to Earth, gradually retreating into its pot. Luigi’s right hand trembles from the force of his magnum opus. He had never even thought that a slap of his was capable of doing such damage, much less in a fight. An invisible burden lifts from the plumber’s shoulder. Luigi slumped down onto a corner, taking the bottle of water clasped within two of Bowser’s fingers. 

“I knew you had the beast in you.”

Ignoring the koopa’s surprisingly genuine compliments, Luigi held his chest to feel the rapid drum of his heart. It had been years since he felt this light. This macho. This powerful. 

“So? What did you focus on?  Did you imagine it insulted your wife during an award show?”

“I actually just imagined it had your face.”

“...”

Luigi gulped; had he gone too far? Thankfully for his hammering heart, the king did not spit roast him alive. Instead, another red and white mushroom power-up is silently dropped at his feet. The mushroom tasted a bit better the second time around, though Luigi was starting to think there was something else afoot. For one, he didn't feel any less tired: and there was also the lack of any changes to his body.

“Well played.” A clawed hand pats him on the back, careful not to knock Luigi over. “Now go get yourself patched up. You aren’t done yet, we’ve got a few more fights to run through before the main event.”

“Sorry, did you say a few?”

“Yeah. I did.” Bowser coughed into his claw, before raising his voice to a shout. “RECRUITS! AT ATTENTION!”

Both of them turned to a corner in the darkness, revealing a dozen or so koopas with war paint on their faces. One or two wore headbands, another wore a pair of sunglasses and one even had a baseball cap with no brim. Thankfully, none of them had weapons - taking down this entire gang was going to be enough of a headache for Luigi as is.

“Whoever beats this plumber up gets a free promotion to Red, and exemption from drills for three days!”

At the promise of a reward, the recruits leapt into the arena without hesitation. The plumber gulped as the gang of turtles surrounded him (not a situation he ever thought he would be in); with his fight or flight instincts kicking in.

"DON'T BE A COWARD! FIGHT!"

Pushing aside his fear, Luigi cracked his knuckles; embracing his newfound inner strength.  He pulls down his gloves, bracing himself for the fight of his life.

“Ok. Ok. Let’s do this.”

Chapter Text

Somehow Luigi won that fight.

All he had to do was hop on one of the recruit’s shells, and with a kick the poor turtle was sent careening across the battlefield; crashing all the others like bowling pins.

Despite Bowser originally wanting to have them thrown into lava for their failure, Luigi managed to talk the king out of it. Either the madman actually respected him now, or the tyrant was just pretending to want to casually execute his employees to get a rise out of him.

Then again, Luigi wasn't entirely sure if Bowser was the kind to 'pretend' to do those kinds of things.

He wasn't good at being subtle.

The plumber watched in relief as the koopas filed out of the room in one piece, most giving him big old puppy-dog eyes. Luigi tipped his cap with a sigh, only for the entire arena to shake. Bowser grunted as he pulled along a large metallic chain; grumbling under his breath about his pet misbehaving. Luigi turned expecting a dog or a cat, but what he saw was neither.

He wasn't even sure if it was an animal at all.

“W-what is that?!”

“This is Wanwan, a Chain Chomp. She doesn’t bite.”

“Yes it does! All it does is bite!”

"Don't be such a baby. Even the Koopalings have more bravery than you."

The gargantuan beast proved her owner wrong in record time, snapping its gargantuan teeth and barking at Luigi like a rabid dog. The coward scrambled away, keeping his eyes trained on Bowser’s claw. If the king’s grip on the chain loosened by even a bit, Luigi would be instantly reduced to a smear of strawberry jam on the training ground’s floor. At least it would be a quick one.

“W-why are we doing this? Th-th-this isn’t even remotely fair! I-I am literally going to be-”

“Anyways.” The dinosaur grinned sadistically. “In three seconds, I’m going to let go of the chain. Wanwan here is going to lunge for you, and you are going to dodge. What happens next is up to you.”

“D-dodge?! How can I even-”

“And that’s three seconds done.”

Luigi scrambled onto his feet as soon as he heard the telltale rattling of a chain dropped to the ground, and he rolled out of the way as the living steel ball ran directly for him. Wanwan was the size of a New York bus with the attitude to match, but the plumber was quick and agile. His eyes wandered to Bowser’s stone throne, noticing the glint of a power-up box hidden in the shadows.

But the second he even looked that way, Wanwan lurched forward with a furious bark. The throne exploded into dust, the Chain Chomp escaping from the cloud unscathed. And angrier.

“Yeah-” Bowser calls out, ever unhelpful. “You’re gonna have to pay for that!”

After their chase tore through the whole gymnasium, Luigi eventually found himself backed into a corner. He pressed on the brick walls to activate a secret passage that wasn’t there, only to freeze when he heard the low rumble of a growling Chain Chomp.

“H-hey swe-sweet girl… W-weee can talk this out right?”

Wanwan roared, revealing a row of metallic chompers that made Bowser look toothless in comparison. Out of sheer desperation, Luigi looked back at the wall before him; a frankly insane idea coming to his mind. As Mario once said to him over a game of chess; it was better to die trying than try dying. Luigi won that game, but that wasn't the point.

Now or never!

Right before the Chain Chomp could bite him in half, Luigi jumped, slipping and landing on top of its smooth upper jaw. He kicked off and flew into the wall, before using the rough surface as a launchpad to clear the beast’s circular body as it struggled to rotate from the tight corner. Luigi rolled to a stop - and while ignoring the pain in his legs - reached out and grabbed the chain with both arms. 

“A-ha!” He bragged in between heavy breaths. “I-I won!”

Wanwan whimpered as she realized she was stuck, and the plumber felt kind of bad for what was essentially a dog. A giant, man-eating dog made of metal, but a dog nonetheless. Luigi pushed aside those feelings for a moment, looking to his ‘mentor’ for any sign of recognition. All he got was a cold nod.

“W-what? That’s it? Did you not see what I just did?!”

“You just got lucky.” Bowser brushed him aside, taking the chain in one hand and freeing Wanwan from her timeout corner with a tug. “And what did we learn today?"

"Uh- never give up?"

"Wrong." Bowser snarked. "First lesson, don’t let it get to your head. Emotions are worthless in fights, focus only on the battle and taking down anyone in your path. Hate your enemies all you want, but anger won't help you fight any better. Always focus.”

“Second lesson - everybody has a weakness."

"Wanwan and her fellow Chain Chomps can’t turn fast. Koopas can't escape their shells if you spin them fast enough. Piranha Plants don’t like prey that bites back."

"Point is, if you really want to beat someone; learn about them first. Fighting isn’t just about being strong, it’s about being smart and never underestimating your opponent.”

“B-but don’t you have a weakness then?”

Bowser’s hand snapped around his entire chest, the lizard’s claws digging into the fabric of his overalls. "W-wait-"

Any development Luigi had in his bravery department evacuated along with his bowels as the titanic dinosaur leaned in close; close enough that Luigi could feel the heat in his breath.

“Third lesson. I am not just an ‘everybody’. Keep that in mind.”

Luigi is dropped onto the ground, gasping for air. He scrambled back in instinctive fear as Bowser’s scarlet eyes lingered, before turning back to Wanwan; the Chain Chomp watched their interactions curiously. The metal ball’s eyes were dilated, making Wanwan a bit less scary and a bit more cute.

“She respects you.” 

“Sh-she does?”

“Yeah.” Bowser gave the metallic ball a soft pat. “That makes two of us.”

“W-wait - what did you-”

“Enough. We have work to do.”

Luigi had been through a lot - and he looked like it.

His clothes were a scuffed and torn, contrasting his neatly trimmed mustache. Luigi tightened the headband behind his head, sliding his hat on backwards and punching in the air. Thanks to Kamek, he had managed to get his overalls and t-shirt cleaned with a wave of a wand; which was good because the smell of sweat was really starting to get to him.

"Zoo-wee. Looking strong." The plumber kissed his biceps, flexing. "Yeah, just like Granmama used to say."

Bowser suddenly appeared from the darkness in his reflection, towering over the plumber and nearly causing his fickle soul to vacate his body. The king did not speak, glowering disapprovingly at the way Luigi tiddled and squirmed in place.

“Y-you know.” He chuckles dryly,  a bit of his old self peeking through. “Y-you don’t have to do this for me”

“Well I have. And I regret it greatly.”

“N-no, I am grateful, I really am. What I mean is that I d-don't see the need to-”

“Either you get your revenge, or you get thrown back into prison. Your choice.”

Luigi shuddered, remembering sitting in that cramped prison cell for hours on end. His body wasn’t as sore anymore, but Luigi would have preferred fighting a thousand koopas before going back there. Noticing his forced compliance, Bowser slapped him ‘playfully’; still nearly breaking Luigi’s back. "Chin up."

"You beat a Chain Chomp with my help, this guy is going to be easy pickings."

"R-really?"

"Well for me."

Another raucous laugh.

Luigi gulped nervously as he shuffled forward, before shifting to a walk. A pair of koopa goons have him a side-eye, whispering to one another as they open the doors.

“Introducing our newest challenger and Lord Bowser’s princess-in-training, Luigi!”

He shielded his eyes from the bright light, and the hundreds of thousands of koopas in the grandstands. Luigi’s jaw dropped at the sheer spectacle of it all, but he quickly refocuses on the fight at hand. A truly monstrous cage had been set in the middle of the coliseum, and within it was none other than-

“If it isn’t the loser! Still sore from the crash?” 

Luigi is pushed into the cage, standing face to face with a blue-shelled koopa; none other than the General of Bowser’s armed forces. He internally cursed Bowser for pitting him up against the strongest possible enemy - how was that fair? Praying his mushroom power-up lasted this long, the plumber lowered himself into a fighting stance.

“You may have beaten those soft shelled recruits, but I am not my recruits.” The General cracks his fists, slipping in a pair of gauntlets. “If you think I’m going to go easy on you just because you’re Lord Bowser’s favorite, then you’re wrong.”

“You talk too much.”

“And you don’t stand a chance.”

In between the tense standoff, a weird short koopa in glasses scrambled into the caged arena; a small hastily scribbled nametag identifying him as ‘Lakitu’. They pulled out a piece of paper, adjusting their squarish glasses.

“Ahem. Remember, one power-up per match, no weapons and if you step out of the arena you lose.” A whistle is blown. “GO!”

With a roar, the blue shelled koopa shot forward; thrusting his weapon. 

But against all odds, the loser twisted in the nick of time; and grabbed onto the stick with both hands. Caught off guard, the General’s weapon slipped out of his hands, Luigi spinning it and using it to whack the side of his face.

“Oh you little-” His curse is interrupted by another harsh blow. 

Recovering quickly, the koopa rolled onto his feet. With an irritating casualness, Luigi threw aside the stolen staff; letting it roll out from the ring. But the General, like every good military commander, always had a backup plan.

“Koopa Battalion 5! Hammer Time!” 

His outstretched hands grabs a pair of thrown hammers, spinning them menacingly as the powerups kick in. With a click, his blue shell turned black - helmet appearing out of thin air to cover his head. The General’s comically small wings lift him into the air, before the koopa shoots forward with an overhead swing. 

Despite his speed, the General just couldn’t pin down the slippery bastard that was his opponent. Luigi’s movements were fast but erratic, stopping at the worst moments for his attacks to connect. Even when backed into a corner, the plumber used the turnbuckle in the corners to kick off; flipping over the General and continuing to keep his distance. Ignoring his growing frustration, the General goes for a lunging pincer attack; the plumber ducking right under his arms.

The General bites his own tongue as he is fisted upwards by a spring-loaded uppercut, staggering onto his shell. He quickly flips back, hacking up a wad of spit as Luigi pulls down his gloves.

“Scared are we?” The human goads. “Come and-a get some.”

“Oh I will.”

His wings kick into action, and the General crashes into the plumber with the force of a Bullet Bill. The koopa rapidly spins, hoping to shred the impudent human with his spikes, but somehow Luigi manages to give him the slip with a jump- fluttering his legs in the air and landing gracefully on the ground. 

Luigi swiped his nose, before goading the General onward with a single gesture of his palm.

The angered koopa flies back into the ropes, using the momentum to sling himself with an explosive ‘TWANG’. Retracting all his limbs into his shell, the General bounced across the cage walls; before locking onto Luigi and screaming forward with a vengeance. 

But the impact never comes.

Instead of a powerful collision, the General slammed into the ground full force; ending up halfway stuck into the arena floor. The plumber pulled an invisible hat off his head, flickering back into physical existence as soon as he put on his puke green cap. 

“Vanish cap.” The plumber smirked. “Bet you never saw that one coming.”

With a squeak, the koopa’s head is pushed back into his shell.

“We have a saying in my hometown for these-a kind of people! Tutto fumo e niente arrosto; All smoke, no fire! I think it applies here, no?”

Surprisingly, his joke gets one or two laughs. The plumber takes a few steps backwards, readying his kick. His strength increases as he picks up a few muffled curse words coming from inside the rattling koopa shell.

“Here’s a tip Mr General sir. Getting into your shell makes the landing hurt less.”

“ Buon viaggio! ”

He held his hand above his eyes as the General was sent up and up into the air, disappearing above the obsidian mountains and into the black clouds above. With a satisfying flash of light; the koopa was gone. That ought to teach the General to be less of a prick to others.

“Home run!”

“That’s baseball idiot!”

“You want to jump-a in the ring and say that to my face?”

That managed to get the dissidents to shut up. 

 For a second, everyone was silent - before Kamek started clapping. He was the only one that did so.

For a second, Luigi worried that he had finally broken the camel’s back; was it really all for nothing?  Would they hate him for defeating the General in a fight?

And then Bowser joined the wizard. The king looked reluctantly proud, Luigi could have sworn he saw the beginnings of a grin crossing his saurian face.

 As soon as they had the silent approval of their ruler, the entire arena was thrown into pandemonium; dozens of koopas cheering and hollering his name. Luigi recognized one or two as the recruits he had defeated earlier, their group had even taken out the time to paint their shells a darker shade of green and spell his name out in white. 

"'Fans?" Luigi whispered to himself. "I-I have fans! Holy Moly I have fans!"

Chapter Text

“Did you see the look on his face? I was like pow- then boom - then wa-chaa!"

"You were right, the Vanish Cap was exactly the right play! I mean,  you do know the General better than I do - but that was an insane call to make! He even did that big spinning attack that exactly as you said he would! How are you this good?!”

Luigi shadowboxed as he and Bowser roamed down the hallways, the plumber riding off the high of getting a well deserved revenge against his tormentors. At least one of them - the plumber was far from delusional enough to think he could take on Bowser. For now. Even the realization of still being kidnapped did nothing to soothe his high spirits: the cheers of the koopas continued to play on loop constantly. 

It just felt so great.

“...”

“You got another one of those mushroom power-ups by the way? I could use a bite or two of those.”

A growl is enough to shatter the illusion of camaraderie between them. Luigi wilts faster than a houseplant. 

“W-what? Was it something I said? Aren’t you-”

“Stop. Talking.”

While Luigi was comfortable enough around the king to not be constantly on edge, that wasn’t saying much considering Bowser could incinerate him without blinking. Remembering his old cautiousness, the plumber decided to not keep mentioning how he destroyed Bowser’s strongest minion in a fight. 

“Where are we going by the way?”

“Not to the prison, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“So you’re not going to send me back?”

“Can’t be bothered.” Bowser huffed, more irritable than usual. “Kamek is taking his ‘beauty sleep’, and half the guards are too scared of you after what you did to the General. Heard you puked on one of them.”

“Oops… my bad.”

“Don’t apologize. Some of those soft-shelled idiots needed the wakeup call, makes for good training.”

As they round a corner, they enter what appeared to be an art gallery; stone walls replaced by a bright red wallpaper.

Dozens of paintings of varying quality, from colorful stickmen to masterpieces rivaling the best works of Picasso, hung on the walls. Statues of Bowser, along with other assorted decorations, eyed the pair as they walked onwards; hidden safely behind warning signs and glass cases. Interspersed between all these wondrous works of fine art are a few uglier paintings: the level Luigi could have made when he was 5. Too bright colors, thick heavy black lines and simplistic expressions.

But the painting at the end put all of them to shame.

It was huge, a beautiful landscape portrait that was at least the length of two Luigis put end to end. The details of the work were intricate and precise, every scale polished to perfection. As with everything in the castle, Bowser took center stage: bouncing a pair of koopas on his lap. Other smaller koopas were scattered across the brown background, all up to some kind of mischief - either annoying one another, or the king sitting atop his throne. One was painting Bowser's toenails, another was doing the same for his shell spikes. Luigi repressed another chuckle at a small bright pink bowtie tying up the king's hair into a topknot: matching with one of the koopas.

Most shocking of all however, was the expression on the king's face. Luigi didn't even think Bowser could laugh.

“Who are they?”

“Those - are my children.” Bowser smiled, quickly hiding it under a blustering frown. “Bunch of troublemaking rascals, the lot of them.”

“Weird hair there's Ludwig. Spends all day playing the piano instead of actually fighting like a real Koopa. At least the wuss makes money from all those shows he’s doing across the kingdoms. Serves him right, he learnt from the best.”

“Big guy in the back is Morty. Like you, he beat the General in a boxing match - when he was five. Shame he can’t keep that big mouth shut, would have made a great commander.”

“The girl is Wendy. If she hadn’t spent all her time on that damn phone, she’d be more than an online ‘influencer’. Still, 1,233,244 subscribers isn’t that bad - for a rookie. She might catch up to my channel some day.”

“The one bent over the phone with the thick shades is Roy. Spends too much time on that video game of his, Fire Fantasy or Final Emblem. Damn shame too, the boys got a good head on his shoulders; could have used it if he wasn't kissing that video game girl of his.”

"The one with the big mohawk is Larry. Sneaky little bugger, always playing pranks on the others to 'show his love'. Never got anyone hurt at least. He's got a talent in magic too, last I heard he was helping his big brother Ludwig out on performances as a 'VFX' guy."

“Twin on the left there is Iggy. Smartest Koopa in the world, second to his father of course. Spends all day making mechanical doohickeys in his room. Wanwan was his first; made her out of scrap metal. His most recent is the airship you're standing on right now, and the dozens of karts we copied from the Kongs. Iggy did all that.”

“Twin on the right is Lemmy.” Bowser paused. “I could talk about him, but I don't want to be here all night listing all the negative words in the dictionary. He’s funny though, I’ll give him that.”

Despite his harsh words and colorful criticisms, Bowser spoke with not the heat of a raging inferno: but the gentle warmth of a campfire. He gently ran a claw along each of his children’s faces, careful and kindly. Two words that Luigi had never thought he would ever attribute to the tyrannical dictator. The king’s claw landed on a Koopaling who was the splitting image of Bowser himself, laughing as he held a paintbrush aimed at the unaware Roy's back.

Another genuine smile slips through the cracks: a flash of lightning peeking through an overcast sky.

“Junior. A spoiled brat that talks too much. He’s a good kid.”

"He looks like- you."

"Of course he is." Bowser scoffed. "Handsome little fella, serves him right as the only son of Lord Bowser himself."

“Wait, only son?”

The mood shifted instantly. Bowser's expression darkened, sclera pulsing with red hate. Luigi shifted away from the koopa's mouth, anticipating a rush of flame to burn him into a crisp. Instead, Bowser took a deep breath: flames dying out to be replaced by an unsettling cold. It was more terrifying.

“I adopted the rest of them. I had to. They lost their parents during the war.”

“W-war? There was a war?”

“Why do you think I want to destroy the Mushroom Kingdom? For fun?"

Luigi bit back a 'yes' as soon as it reached his throat.

“Bah. It was a long time ago, doesn’t matter anymore.”

The plumber looked back down the hallways, seeing every badly made painting and portrait in a new light. He shuffled forward and patted the large reptile’s muscular arm, to no reaction. Bowser probably didn't even feel that he touched him.

“Where are they?” Luigi asked carefully. “Your kids I-I mean.”

“Home.”

With a stomp, the titan strided away from the painting; and away from a hallway that clearly led to the rooms of his children. Something clicks. Luigi was in Bowser’s Castle, not Bowser’s Kingdom. 

Yet another well-done painting catches his eyes: one showing beautiful lush rainforests, gargantuan bones poking out from the ground. 

Creatures that the plumber could only describe as dragons dot the landscape, perching on the heads of sleeping Piranha Plants. Shimmering white waterfalls dotted the vast mountainscape acting as a background, flanking a radiant green castle standing in the middle of the paradisiacal landscape. The architecture was a mix of Oriental and Western, sloped viridian roofs with bright red banners contrasting against the imposing outer walls of the fortress. Decorating the walls are portraits of crowned koopas, brilliant blues and yellows sticking out against the more natural color pallet of the rest of the painting. 

Beneath it, embedded into a carved golden frame, is a simple wooden plaque: “Our Lost Kingdom by Junior”. 

“Time’s ticking!”

“S-sorry!”

With a squeak, the plumber gives chase, giving one last glance at the well-worn painting.

For someone so full of himself, Bowser’s bedroom was simple and sparsely decorated. 

There was an ornate stone door Luigi assumed led to his private bathroom, a pair of nightstands complete with torches instead of candles and a large glass cabinet filled with trophies. It wasn’t hard to guess who they belonged to, especially when one was in the shape of a piano. Luigi doubted that Bowser even knew what music was. With the cabinet taking up a good chunk of the room's space, flowing around one of the only windows to accommodate even more golden rewards, the dark room was made even darker as Bowser blew out the torches: leaving the both of them illuminated only by moonlight. 

How romantic. Luigi snarked, but his sarcasm is replaced by fear when he noticed Bowser's glowing red eyes. Of course they glowed, why wouldn't they?

“D-do I get a blanket? A pillow?”

The king ignored him, impressively managing to lift the bed with one claw.

“Bowser?”

“It’s King to you. And can’t you see I’m working here?”

Gulping, the plumber had no time to prepare as the bed was dropped back onto the floor; kicking up a cloud of dust he had to wave away. Bowser crossed his arms, grumbling under his breath. 

“Well. I can’t find the spares. Guess one of us is sleeping on the floor.”

Bowser didn't even need to look at him for Luigi to know who that 'one of us' was.

At least there’s a carpet. His hat could make for a good pillow, perhaps if Bowser was feeling nice Luigi could use the bathtub instead. Despite this, he reminded himself to be grateful: this was far better than the alternative of rotting in a prison cell.

“Get on.”

S-sorry, what?”

“You know human, I’m starting to think you are deaf.” Bowser snarked. “What part of ‘get on’ do you not understand?”

“The whole part about getting into bed with a tyrannical dictator.”

Luigi cracked his neck and sighed, suddenly the floor looked a lot warmer this time of the night. Moonlight glittered in from the large window in the room, illuminating the evergreen emeralds that made up Bowser’s impenetrable shell. His auburn hair was a mess, draped over his face like lava flows. Scarlet eyes playfully rolled yet again. 

“I don’t want this either, but if the Princess Peach is going to be using this bed I want to provide her with the best and only the best. You’re my lab rat, remember?”

“I don’t see how that equates to me sleeping with you and-” Luigi blushed, realizing what he had just said. The king snorted at the implication, rolling onto his side and somehow not causing the bed to collapse.  “Whatever. Point is, I’m not doing this.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

The plumber, fueled by the defiance Bowser had given him, crossed his arms and planted himself on the floor.

“Think of it like this. You don’t rot in the dungeons. I can work on my seduction plan for Peach. Purely professional. I won't do anything you wouldn't do, king's honor.”

“A-and if I don't trust you?"

"Really?" Bowser snorted. "I haven't set you on fire yet, and you still don't trust me? What do you want, a song and dance? Another kiss? A little confessional about my 'tragic backstory' to win you over?"

Luigi raised an eyebrow, making his stance clear. Mario had always insisted that setting boundaries was the most important part of any relationship, but somehow the plumber had a feeling 'boundaries' were not going to be enough to keep Bowser from getting what he wanted. 

“Fine. Hard way it is then.”

Without another word, Luigi is pulled into the fray.

Apparently Bowser could move deceptively fast if he wanted to, before he knew it Luigi was pressed onto their shared mattress as if he was a little teddy bear. Fear rushed in, followed by a surprising amount of awkwardness at being so close to another man - dinosaur. The plumber squeaked as he was wrapped by one powerful bicep, pressed onto the king’s golden chest. Warm and unyielding, mirroring the volcanic wastelands that the king ruled. His hair was ruffled by every breath: hands desperately scrambling along Bowser’s chest to find some purchase to push off and escape. It was like rubbing against a rock wall, a warm rock wall that gave away ever so slightly at his touched.

Luigi is pressed closer with a squeak: mustache tickling the under side of Bowser's large chin.

“Well?” Bowser’s voice lowered to a whisper. “You like it?”

The arm lifts.  Luigi pushed off faster than he ever had: suddenly breathless. Why was he breathless? The plumber gripped tightly onto his green cap with both hands, staring forward and shivering with a maelstrom of emotions. As someone who slept with stuffed animals and was bullied for it, Luigi did not expect being on the receiving end of a hug to feel so - pleasant.  

“I’ll take that as a no.”

A pillow is thrown onto his face, along with a large blanket. Despite his mind being burdened by the confusion of it all, the plumber managed to get his head out of the cloth forest in one piece. God, even the blanket smelled like Bowser: reeking of ash and soot and charcoal yet bearing the undertone of an elegant flowery scent. It was not a musk Luigi could ever imagine getting used to.

“W-what?”

“I don’t need them anyway. Now shut up.”

"Oh.. Wow I-"

"Shut. Up."

The king’s voice was as furious and fiery as ever, but the plumber could have sworn that he heard a subtle hint of disappointment swimming beneath all that rage. Bowser disappeared into his shell, sinking further into the mattress with a deep creak. Using the large blanket to act as a sleeping bag, Luigi managed to get decently comfortable on the carpet: with his pillow and hat acting as headrests. 

“Padre nostro-”

Luigi was not the most religious in his family: but he still prayed every night. His Ma had insisted he do so in their native tongue, and so the plumber folded his hands together and whispered it as best he could. Luigi prayed for his family in Brooklyn. For his ex-girlfriend in California. Even for Bowser’s kids, as much as he hated their adopted father: Luigi couldn’t imagine how it felt to lose parents during a war.

“Per favore Padre - Assicurati che Mario stia bene. Grazie.”

His hands moved in the sign of the cross over his chest.

“Amen.”

Beneath the covers, Luigi repeated the prayer a few times for good measure. He only now realized just how far away from Brooklyn he was now, a pipe dream of lava and monsters preventing the poor man from ever coming back to humanity. Luigi would have done anything for someone else to be there for him. A cop or two would be a welcome breath of fresh air: not even Bowser himself could stand against pepper spray and a tazer. Heck, even that prick Spike could be useful as a meat shield to keep Bowser busy while Luigi made for the door.

But there was one more mystery he wanted to solve.

For all the king's threats and bluster, Bowser hadn't hurt a single hair on his head ever since he had volunteered to play the part of Peach: sans the one plucked from his luscious mustache. Luigi felt safe around the king despite the parade of red flags around his situation. Again, if Bowser really wanted him dead Luigi couldn't exactly stop him from getting his way.

And yet here he was. Still alive.

Cleary the dinosaur had - some - respect for him. The fact he allowed Luigi to keep a little agency was somehow touching to someone so used to being pulled along by his brother.

Ever since that horrific chain of events that was the 'Honeymoon', Luigi was free to do what he wanted, and the plumber didn't know what to do with that knowledge. Was this part of Bowser's plans with Peach? Was Luigi just a substitute? Did the dinosaur really think the plumber wasn't that much of a threat? Or did it mean something else? 

Did Bowser care?

Luigi looked towards the stone doors, then to the sleeping king: spiked tail poking out of one end of his spike-less shell.

"Maybe - one night wouldn't hurt..."

With that final thought Luigi surrendered to his weariness; dreaming of new friends, fighting and freedom.

Chapter Text

"HEY?! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"

Luigi scaled the ladder to Spike’s office (a repurposed shipping container raised above the ground), ignoring the stinging heat of a metal ladder left under the afternoon sun. He couldn’t afford to be slow: not when his brother was in trouble. 

“USELESS! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE - A USELESS LITTLE MAN WHO KEEPS STARTING TROUBLE!”

The box shook with another tremor - a loud Italian voice firing back a slurry of insults their mother would have washed out of his mouth. At least Mario wasn’t backing down. Luigi swallowed his nervousness, knocking on the door as loudly as he could.

“Uh, Mr Spike, sir? You called?”

It was like stepping into a warzone.

Pencils and papers were strewn across the room, the aged ceiling fan chugging along restlessly. Spike towered over Mario like Goliath did to David, and yet the smaller man was the one with one sleeve rolled up and winding back for a punch. Seeing Luigi, his brother released his grip on their boss’ collar: the foreman quickly tidying his clothes with a huff.

“M-mario? What is this about?”

“It’s nothing Lu, I just -”

“Oh. So you don’t know, do you Luigi?” Spike smirked, baring his teeth like a shark smelling blood. “Your brother here has been picking fights with everyone on the job site ever since he got here.”

“W-what? Why?”

“Why else? Said he was ‘defending’ his brother. Hah! What a load of garbage.”

Luigi’s fists curl into balls.

He didn’t mind being the doormat that everyone stepped on on the way to the jobsite, or the courier boy bringing everyone lunches during breaktime. Luigi was fine with that - as long as it meant he and his brother would be financially secure. Everyone bullied people like him, and Luigi was used to it. Why did Mario constantly have to do this? Why did Mario always have to be the one playing hero for people who didn’t want to be saved? Why didn’t he let Luigi be the one making the sacrifices for once?!

But any resentment towards his older brother evaporated when he saw Mario hang his head with shame.

“Mario I-”

With a resounding  slam, Mario left the room: not even acknowledging his brother or their boss. With no one left to target, Spike turned to Luigi with nothing but malice. Looks like it was his turn on the chopping block.

“Please, sit.”

“I-”

“Sit. Down.”

Luigi did as he was told, taking a moment to pick up the chair his brother had thrown aside to wipe the dust off. His boss’ gaze never left him, drilling into his soul. For a construction worker, he was tall and scrawny; a stark contrast to Spike and his 'bros'.

“Now, I’m gonna be honest with you Weegee - I like you. You’re a good kid who follows orders, and I even heard from the other boys that you’ve been good to them. Useful. All in all, you're a good sport, not like your brother over there.”

“W-wait, so I’m not getting fired?”

“Fired?!”

Spike laughed. Luigi managed an uneasy nod. His arms still ached from making the several daily rounds to the nearby pizza place while playing delivery boy for a site of hungry construction workers. As a matter of fact, Luigi had barely done or learnt about construction: he didn’t even know what they were building!

“Hell no! Unlike Mario, you fit right in! You got the heart of a demolitionist!”

“W-wait, so we aren’t construction workers?”

“Hah! Luigi, Luigi-” He is roughly pat on the shoulder, bobbing the poor guy up and down on his chair. “Always cracking jokes. You’re a good man, and an even better worker - I knew you had potential.”

Spike leaned back into his armchair, reaching down into his cabinets and revealing a contract. Luigi took a second to read through the terms; outside of the usual lifetime service and inability to sue Spike for any workplace accidents, Luigi did indeed notice that he would be paid more working as a full-time employee. Not by much more, but more nonetheless.

“W-what about Mario?”

“What? You don’t want to work for me anymore?”

“N-no I do but-”

His foreman sighed, leaning forward and resting both arms on the table to the point where Luigi was afraid it would break. A pen is rolled over, black cover glinting in the light from the windows. 

“Look. Luigi. I’m giving you the deal of a lifetime here. Who cares what your brother thinks?”

Luigi cared. Very much as a matter of fact.

“Besides, he’s just going to hold you back - look at what he did to the other guys on site! You don’t need people like him!”

"I-I-"

"What do you mean? When was the last time that you ever actually heard yourself instead of waiting for your brother to save you like some kind of - damsel in distress? Have a little self confidence Luigi! Take the job!"

Having a stable job was so alluring, so easy. Luigi could have signed his name and set himself for life. Sure, it would be a life that was boring and dull and filled with people who had done nothing but take advantage of him: but it was the safest play. Like Pa always said, a big strong man like Luigi needed to find a job to guarantee a good life for his family. An easy life for his family. 

But it was also a life without his brother by his side. 

If he took this deal, Mario would either have to go back working under Spike - subjecting himself to another round of punishment - or go jobless. Their Pa was already pushing the brothers, he was going to be livid if Mario came home without one. You two aren't kids anymore, he had said, life isn't just a video game you can cheat your way out of!

"Times ticking Luigi." Spike's tone changed, more forceful and less diplomatic. A hammer swung to destroy rather than to build  "We both know what you're going to do kid. Take. The. Job."

The paper was pushed directly under his chin, underneath his pen. Luigi eyes the terms one last time; before throwing the pen onto the floor.

“No.”

A pair of gloved hands slammed on the table. One wrapped around a wrench, threatening to snap it in half.

“W-what?! What did you say?!”

“I said no! Mario was right, you’re all just big bullies!”

Luigi spat on the ground, tearing the contract in a fit of anger. Served those pricks right, that’s what they got for making him run back when one of the pizzas didn’t have pineapples on it. Who even ate pineapples on pizza anyway?! He huffed and stood from the table, making for the door.

“W-why?!” Spike roared, which immediately broke through Luigi’s fickle wall of bravado. “Are you insane?! You two are nothing without this job! Just a bunch of small ants I crush under my boot!”

“Well, you treat us like nothing anyway! I’d rather be unemployed than work with you!”

While that wasn’t entirely true, Luigi was too pumped with adrenaline to think about it. He slammed the door as he left, noticing all eyes on the jobsite had turned towards him. But he didn’t care: a numbness spreading across every limb of his body. Luigi regarded all of their judgemental glares with apathy: soon they would be but a distant memory. 

“Hey Weegee!” One hollered. “Go get us a cold drink! You’re paying right?”

“Screw you!”

“W-what did you say?! Why you-”

He ran before they could do anything about it.

This was by far the worst case scenario: not only did he lose his job, but he also got Mario into trouble. 

Passerbys brushed him by without a glance, Luigi occasionally bumping into them on his mad dash to nowhere. His flustered apologies go ignored. The younger brother’s panic caught up to him, clasping onto his neck and choking the air from his lungs. His adrenaline had begun to dry, along with any dregs of bravery he had left after his display of defiance. 

“M-mario.” He wheezes. “W-where is he?”

Turning a corner, Luigi found Mario sitting on the stairs of a random apartment building: holding his helmet over his head. 

Had he been - crying? Seeing as his brother had bruises all over his cheek, it wasn’t hard to tell why. Mario was usually full of life and energy, but the man had been reduced to a deflated balloon: crumpled on the steps with his back curled into a ball. When they were younger, Mario was invincible: a superstar that no one else on the planet could ever reach.  

Now that they were both older, Mario was only human. 

He had always been.

“Mario. It’s me.”

His brother flinched at his own name, expecting another attacker. Luigi’s pain intensified as he realized that Mario was hurt because he was defending him. “Lu? Y-you ok?” 

Luigi breaks.

Hot humiliating tears, of shame and of pain, leave marks along his cheeks. It was his fault. All of it. If Luigi was stronger, better than this would have never happened. It was selfish and stupid, why was Luigi the one crying even though he wasn’t the one hurt? The realization only forces even more anguished sobs.

“Hey. Hey - it’s ok.” Mario was a comforting presence, letting his brother’s head rest on his chest. “I’m fine, I’m fine Luigi.”

They shared a hug on the stairs. In his brother's strong arms, Luigi had never felt more sure of his place in the world.

“W-what now?”

“Eh?”

It was like the old days. Luigi, scared and lost, looked up to his older brother for help. His immature display of insecurity only made the plumber feel even worse, but he knew Mario had a plan. He always did.

“Well, we’re unemployed. H-how can we even go home to Pa and Ma?”

“I-I don’t know.”

Defeated, both brothers sat by one another; still dressed in the navy blues and yellows of Spike’s demolition crew. As Luigi watched the bustling streets, he felt a drop of water hit his hat; dripping down his bangs and onto his nose. A look up the sky was a clear blue; with only a few puffy white clouds.

“W-what?”

Another drop falls. 

One of the apartments had a leaking pipe, bits of fluid dripping from in between rusted joints. The window shook in frustration, a distinctly Italian voice cursing out the quality of their apartment and the price of the rent. Luigi sighed as the water continued to drip on his face, rubbing even more salt on his wounds. 

It was like Life had noticed him crying, and started slapping that fact over his head over and over again.

“Ugh. Just my luck.”

But unlike him, Mario had a smile on his face; eyes widening in realization. His hands reached to his side, revealing a small wrench likely stolen from Spike and his crew. Luigi would have chastised him for it, but it was Spike they were stealing from. 

“Luigi.” He starts, cracking into a smile. “How do you feel about becoming a - plumber?”

“Ugh…” 

The plumber clutched at his aching head, adjusting to the darkness of Bowser’s castle. Right. He was still trapped here. The room looked exactly as it did before, empty of any furniture outside of Bowser’s little ‘Hall of Fame’ for his adopted children.

“Fly me to the Moon.”

What? Luigi held his hands to his ears, listening for the noise. As soon as he did, he was certain what he was hearing was a piano: with someone singing over the gentle tapping of a piano. There was no mistaking it now; there was someone playing jazz music in the dead of the night. With Bowser most certainly incapable of having such a beautiful masculine voice, Luigi’s drowsy mind narrowed down on a single possibility.

There was another human here.

“Let me play among the stars.”

Glancing over at the bed, Luigi noticed with glee that it was empty. The bathroom door was locked, and Luigi was not going to risk breaking into the king taking a fat Number One or Two. As quietly as he could, the plumber scrambled onto his feet: pulling open the large stone door with both hands.  Everything looked the same to him, just endless stone walls and dull flickering torchers. Luigi exhaled, slapping his cheeks awake and pushing his ears to their absolute limit.

“Let me see what spring is like on a-Shiverburn and Mars.”

A last glance is thrown at the closed door to Bowser's private chambers. It was now or never. If Bowser caught him snooping around dead at night, no amount of the king’s good favor could save the plumber from fiery doom. This was it - the part of the story where the valiant knight delved deep into the dragon's castle and saved the princess. Luigi pulled his cap tighter around his head, rushing towards the music in a frantic haze.

He was done being the helpless princess.

“In other words, hold my hand.”

The gentle hum of the piano grew stronger as the plumber rounded a corner, passing dozens of marked and unmarked doors alike. As much as he would have loved to search each one for a power-up of some kind, Luigi didn’t have the time. He needed to get as far as he could from the occupied Bowser before the king noticed him missing.

“In other words, baby, kiss me.”

The singer's voice was a deep baritone lighting up the darkness. Luigi was swept up in every low note, a current pulling him deeper into the ocean of song. It was a thing of beauty, of passion and of emotion. The plumber's steps moved in beat with the rhythm, thumping against stone as the trapped human continued their lonesome ballad. The pitch was powerful yet gentle and measured; sweeping over the cobbled walls in a perfect display of the principles of chiaroscuro.

“Fill my heart with song and let me sing forevermore!”

Like all of the other doors he had seen, this one looked no different from the rest. Luigi pressed his ear against it, making out the rhythmic song despite the thick layer of stone between him and his potential savior. The plumber had never been more excited to see another human, grunting with effort as he pulled the doors open. The passion behind every syllable grew, a breathtaking display of the singer's soul laid for all to see.

“You are all I long for, All I worship and adore!"

For a moment, Luigi is blinded by a spotlight. As he adjusted to the light, drowsiness fading, the plumber noticed a long catwalk leading up to a raised stage: made out of stone and rock. The black shape of the piano was turned towards the door, the player hidden behind the instrument’s cover. Their fingers deftly moved across the keys, hundreds of dancers tapping in tune to a singular operatic hymn.

“In other words -”

“HEY! YOU!” Luigi cupped his hands and shouted. “I NEED HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!”

The piano’s lid is slammed shut by a pair of familiar claws.  

The music grinded to a stop, ending with a discordant clang of high and low notes. Luigi’s dry smile evaporated instantly, along with any hope of escape. Golden scales rustled as the mysterious singer rose to their full height, the spotlights casting a long shadow down the single road leading to and from their stone stage. Luigi blinked as darkness enveloped light, a darkness broken by a pair of scarlet burning eyes.

Instead of finding God at the church, Luigi had encountered the Devil himself.

Frozen in place, the plumber watched as Bowser  strode past his instrument: throat glowing with orange flames as a single claw scraped atop the wood. From his shell, rows of spikes unsheathed like a myriad of swords - each one making a distinct shink. The koopa didn’t even need to move to impose his domineering presence on the now trembling Luigi, jaws tightening into a cruel snarl. He once thought Bowser was less terrifying when he was fiery mad than when he was frigid mad. 

Not anymore.

“Ah… I'm toast aren’t I?”

Chapter Text

His first instinct was the door.

But with a leap, Bowser landed in front of him: the aftershock pushing Luigi onto his back. The fearful plumber scrambled backwards as the dinosaur emerged from the dust cloud - like some kind of supervillain.

“H-hey - weee can talk about this right?”

Luigi managed a few more dry chuckles and assorted pleas, before being grabbed by the dinosaur in an eerie parallel to when they first met. The poor man shuts his eyes, fully expecting Bowser to wedge one claw into his neck and pop him like a bottle of soda on a hot day.

“Tell anyone about this; and I will make your last moments very, very painful.”

Luigi nodded in agreement, turning blue from the pressure of being grabbed in one hand like a ragdoll.

“Tch.”

Finally, after another moment of their faces being too close for comfort, Bowser releases him.

Gasping for breath, the poor plumber loosened his narrowed windpipe. The undying rage flickered out as Bowser sighed, claws and spikes disappearing into his scales. He leapt back towards the stone platform, with Luigi trailing from a very safe distance away.

“S-so, you can play the piano?”

“Ludwig had to have learnt from someone right?” 

Bowser scoffed with an eyebrow raised, putting on a pair of glasses and skimming through a sheath of papers. As the plumber reached the raised stone stage, he noticed that each contained sheet music for a variety of songs.

“Oh. T-these are human songs. H-how do you know these?”

“The kids love these. Why else do you think I would learn them?”

“Huh. T-there’s so many…”

“And I am the greatest pianist to have ever lived.” Bowser scoffed. “Your point?”

“I-I’m not doubting your skill or-or anything, I-I’m just shocked that you took the time to learn like - all of these plus vocals.”

Silence.

Seeing as he wasn’t able to leave, Luigi found himself a nice seat on the edge of the platform: with a straight shot to the door in case Bowser decided to change his mind about sparing him. Although Luigi had no idea about anything about music, all of the individual sheets came with lyrics that he could sing in his head. 

The piano’s chair shifts.

Luigi looked up, seeing a paper covered in pink sticky notes held gingerly in the king’s claws. The dinosaur was mumbling under his breath, bobbing his head to an invisible song and occasionally grunting in frustration when the beat didn’t line up with whatever he had in mind. 

Despite all his instincts, the plumber scooted a little closer: close enough to read the big fat title written in cursive. Luigi blinked to confirm what he was seeing.

“Peaches? Like the Bieber song?”

The paper is crumpled. Bowser glared at him, a lightning bolt breaking through the dark clouds to strike him down. Luigi could imagine the smell of his burnt hair, flinching all the way back to his spot on the edge of the raised stage. 

“Mind. Your. Own. Business.”

“I-I’m sorry I-”

“You know what? Just take it. It’s useless to me anyway.”

Apathetically, Bowser threw the sheet onto the side: before holding his large head over the piano with both claws. Luigi quickly launched for it before the sheet of paper could fly off the stone platform and into the depths of the darkness around them, white gloves barely catching the paper.

“W-wait - this - this isn’t Justin Bieber. Di-did you write this?”

“No. I got a robot to do it for me - what do you think?!”

Luigi flinched at Bowser’s shout. He braced himself for the inevitable insults and fire; holding up Peaches like a priest held up a cross when exorcizing the evil demons in horror movies. Panic forced the truth out of him yet again; even after all his training, a tiger would always have his stripes.

“B-by the way…” Luigi peeked out from behind his paper thin shield. “I-I would love to hear you play it… You know, b-before you send me back to prison for all of eternity…”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I-I do. Really.”

In a twist of fate, Bowser’s face softened . 

The intensity of his glare made Luigi more than a llittle fustered flustered, dryly chuckling while rubbing the back of his head. The sheet music is swiped from his hands, Bowser careful to not cut the plumber’s gloves with his claws. Unclenching his jaw, the dinosaur carefully unfolded ‘Peaches’ by tenderly running a claw over each and every crease. His one-man audience was given a harsh glare, the king’s tone overly threatening as if to his blunder from moments before.

“Last chance to back out.”

Luigi looked towards the stone doors, then to Bowser: who was clearly banking on him taking the easy way out. Escape was so close, a few words away and the plumber would be free to forget about this and return to whatever sinister plans Bowser had for him tomorrow. 

Point is, if you really want to beat someone; learn about them first.

“I-I’ll stay.”

“If I hear you breathe loudly during the song, you’ll be swimming in the lava baths. Without a fire flower.”

The tyrant’s mask of anger broke: revealing the tiniest hints of gratitude. Bowser’s singing voice was so far removed from his normal voice that Luigi would have assumed they belonged to two different people. The former flowed with the elegance and carefulness of a gentle stream, while the latter was a raging inferno that demanded all of your attention in navigating.

But both bore Bowser’s trademark passion.

“Peach. You’re So Cool! And With My Star, We’re Gonna Rule!”

“Peach, Understand. I’m Gonna Love You ’til The Very End!”

Despite everything he knew about the monstrous beast before him, Luigi was drawn by the sheer emotion behind Bowser’s song. It was like being swept into a current, his foot tapping to the beat. Without words, Bowser conveyed decades of longing, love and lust. Hulking claws flew across the piano in a hurricane of motion, ramping up the tempo towards a grand final crescendo. 

“Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches!”

It was like watching a man pray while prostrating before the statue of an Olympian God, or of a moth drawn to a raging blaze. A powerful love that consumed all in its wake, leaving nothing but darkened ashes and hollow men. Luigi gasped as Bowser slammed into the keys, laying to bare the Heavens and the Hells his deepest intimacies.

Laying bare to Luigi of his deepest intimacies.

“Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches!”

“I Love You, Sooo!”

Luigi held his breath as Bowser seemed to enter a flow state. The king’s eyes were shut, throat glowing with embers of love and flame. Bowser reeled back as the second chorus dawned: voice radiant and bursting with passion dredged from the depths of his oceanic soul. 

“Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches!”

Every torch in the room extinguished one by one, leaving only the dark blue gloom of a spotlight to illuminate their stage. 

“Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches!”

“I Love You, Sooooooo!”

The tempo ground to a halt. Bowser slowed his pace, switching to a deep melancholic hum instead of a bolstering cry for war. Every key was discordant but harmonious, a sad little jingle before the end of the night. The singer’s words became heavy with pain, sweeping the plumber off his feet and down into a world of darkness. 

“Ohhh, I’ll Love You So.”

One final note is played. The song ends.

“Well?”

Too stunned to speak, Luigi closed his gaping jaw with one hand. He wiped away a few traitorous tears in his eyes with his hat, holding the green accessory close to his chest. The plumber was always a sucker for sappy love stories, and the whole idea of the song belonged in a soap opera. 

It did not help that the king was looking at him not with hatred: but like a desperate younger brother eager to find validation from his peers. A look Luigi found himself wearing more often than not.

“Ey you know what, why do I care what a tasteless rat like you thinks?” Bowser huffed arrogantly in an attempt to mask his anticipation. “You can’t even tell a good suit from a bad suit. Honestly, feel free to call it garbage and make fun of it. I won’t care!”

“It’s beautiful.” He smiled. “I loved it.”

“I- W-wow. Really?”

They both stared in shock at the way the king of the koopas, invincible and all powerful, had stuttered once his work was praised. 

“Really.”

Bowser was flustered for yet another moment, before recomposing himself and pulling at the bit of shell around his neck as if to loosen the tightness on his chest. Luigi knew that tightness well: being short of breath was a classic symptom of nervousness after all.

“Ah quit trying to lick my boot. We both know that it’s a pile of garbage.”

“G-garbage?! Are you hearing yourself? Are we listening to the same song?!” Caught up in the hype, Luigi had stars in his eyes as he hopped to his feet. “That was the best performance I’ve ever seen in my life! The lyrics were a bit - off, but the song was great! The voice, the piano, the lights?! Oh, mama mia! It’s like something out of Broadway or Hollywood or - something.”

“B-Broadway? What is that? Some kind of kingdom?”

“I mean, whatever, the point is you did great! Molte emozioni , è un capolavoro!”

While Bowser was doing a far better job of hiding his pleased smile than before, his traitorous tail was wagging at subsonic speeds. 

“Hm. I see.” A moment passes. “Your comments are appreciated. Luigi.”

His name sounded pleasant when said by the king’s deep voice.

“But honestly, I knew the whole time it was going to be good! Of course Peaches is a masterpiece! I made it!” 

And, just like that, the king was back to his confident boisterous self. A self absorbed ruler with no regard for anyone not his people, yet one that Luigi now knew had a bleeding heart hidden within his tough spiked shell.

“Peach should be thanking me.” Bowser thumped his chest, cracking his shoulders with a guffaw. “I mean, I wrote this whole song for her AND got her the most powerful Power Up in the world! When we destroy the Mushroom Kingdom, I’ll be sure to invite you to our wedding! Maybe you can be the best man!”

“W-wait, so you're not throwing me back into prison?”

The turtle turned to him with a mischievous and playful grin, lightly tapping him on the shoulder. Had he really done it? Excitement, fear and anticipation combined into an amalgamation of emotions: rushing up to paint Luigi’s face a light shade of red.

“Consider yourself an official guest in our Kingdom. We’ll have a room ready for you by tomorrow.”

“W-What? Just like that?”

“Like I said, you’re not a threat to me anyway.” The king huffed, patting him on the back. “And honestly, I like having you around. You’re a fun guy: not like those damn dirty fungi in the Mushroom Kingdom.”

“A-actually, why do you hate the Mushroom Kingdom?”

Any positive emotions in the room were gone, replaced by a deep-seated anger that poured off Bowser like a toxic miasma.

“Why? You’re really asking me why ?”

Sitting in silence, the man and the king watched the darkness: Luigi having little else to do but start picking up the musical sheets on the ground. Bowser hadn’t moved from his seat, drumming his claws on the closed lid of the piano. The plumber would have wanted to comfort him, but he knew better than to poke the sleeping bear.

Eventually, the tension was broken with a deep sigh.

“They started it.” 

“Magic was a lot more common back then, but no one could use it properly cept for people like Kamek. Took years for anyone to be able to cast a spell, or to do anything. Times were tough, resources were scarce. It was a hard time, but that was life. A struggle. Everyone had to play along, and everyone got what they fought for. What they deserved.”

“Till those Mushrooms started finding Power-Ups in the ground.”

His claw curled into a ball, revealling a little Fire Flower that had yet to even bloom. 

“Once they figured out how to farm them en masse, everyone and their mother could do magic in that kingdom. Those Shrooms were weak and pathetic, but they had numbers: and now they had strength. What do you think happened next?” 

Bowser’s expression was complex, lost in nostalgia and guided by a bitter grudge years in the making. The plumber was no longer on the stage for an audience with a king: but listening to a broken man tell his story. 

“The Kongs got off easy, started supplying the Shrooms with vehicles in order to keep them off their backs. A few were lucky enough to avoid the war entirely, their places were too cold or too hot for those mushrooms to live in. The Shrooms were looking for land, and if you didn’t cough it up your kingdom would be burned to the ground.”

He remembers a plumbing tip. Mushrooms and other fungi grew in hot humid environments, with lots of shade. Shade provided by vast tropical trees.

“T-the Lost Kingdom. Y-you and the Koopas lived there, didn’t you?”

“Our Kingdom was taken from us.” Bowser’s glare darkened, pinching at the flower's stem just beneath the bud. “Our forests, our mountains and our rivers. By the time any of the stragglers could muster a resistance, there were too few of us left. We were all pushed out to the barren wastes; forced to live in that barren dump that they created with their war.”

Gaunt burnt trees reaching into the sky. Abandoned castles surrounded by lava. Living skeletons that attacked anything that moved. Luigi regarded the Dark Lands not with fear, but with pity. 

“Bowser I-”

The king ignored him. “I was young back then - only a prince. My parents left the kingdom as soon as the Mushrooms came, they allowed them to take what was ours. Their cowardice cost us to lose our homes and the pride of our people as koopas. ”

“But my courage will take it back.”

The piano is closed shut, Bowser running one claw along the lid. 

“W-which kingdom is Peach from?”

“The Mushroom Kingdom.”

Oh. This time, Luigi couldn’t stop himself. He trotted over to Bowser with his hat in his hands, leaning in and patting the dinosaur on the arm. The king  puffed out a little cloud of smoke.

“We met a long time ago, once. I was a young Koopa just learning how to rule, and she was doing the same for her kingdom. I doubt she remembers, but I know that I had never seen a more beautiful woman in my life." The king sighs deeply. "It was a different time back then. Regardless, I do not doubt that such a paragon would be perfect for my family.”

“W-wait, what? Family? I-"

“My kids don’t deserve to grow up with me as a father.” Bowser choked on his words, before pushing on with his typical tenacity. “I’m a tyrant, a monster who destroys everything he touches with fire and rage. They deserve someone better. Someone who can teach them to be kind, to be good and to love. Someone like Peach, and not someone like me.”

It was a long shot - but Luigi had to try. He saw the good in the King, and all it needed was one last push. Either that, or he was developing Stockholm Syndrome. Then again, the plumber still hated Bowser's guts: though that hatred had been contaminated with the tiniest bit of sympathy.

“B-bowser, Y-you don’t have to do it like this right?" 

"Like what?"

"Kidnapping her, destroying her kingdom. Peach seems kind, maybe if you just told her about how you felt then-"

“No."

Despite the strength behind the word, Luigi could see a hint of weakness within Bowser's brooding snarl. It was now or never, his heart racing in his chest as if he was defusing a bomb.

"I know the path I have chosen.” This is who I am. The king rose from his piano. “If there’s even a chance I can make the world better for my kingdom and my children - I will do what I must. Even if it means being remembered as a monster.”

“B-but y-you’re not a monster!”

Luigi's loudness shocks himself. He meant it to come out as a whisper, but perhaps seeing someone condemn themselves a fate resonated more with the former coward than he had ever known. Doubling down, Luigi amped up the passion: holding one hand to his chest and gesturing widely with the other. The metaphorical flame on the bomb's fuse was blowing in the wind, Bowser giving him a wide-eyed expression of shock.

“Look at all this! Look at what you’ve built, what you’ve made for yourself! T-The koopas, the goombas and - and everyone else! They’re a bunch of bullies, but they listen to you! Think about what all of you guys could accomplish together as a team, with you as the leader!”

Bowser’s head moved slightly to one side, looking at Luigi from over one shoulder. His messy hair flowed down his shoulders like a curtain of fire, ponytail having become undone.

“This is something only you can do, with or without Peach. You don’t have to give up and be the villain in your own story, not when you have the chance to help so many others! You could fix the Dark Lands as king, you could make a new Koopa Kingdom for your kids to grow up in!”

“It will never be the same as what we lost.”

“It won’t. No, it will be better. For everyone.” That seemed to strike a chord, Bowser looking at Luigi with a mix of shock and respect. “Instead of breaking others down, you could fix them. Use your power to make the world a little better instead of a little worse, be the father that your kids deserve!”

“You barely know me Luigi! How do you know I can even do that? That I am even capable of doing that?!”

"Because-" He takes a deep breath, turning some of Bowser's dramatic flair against him. “I mean, you did it with me? Didn’t you?”

And with that, everything went still.

Luigi placed his hat on his head, watching as Bowser rose to his full height. The king looked like he had so much to say, fumbling in the air for any eloquent way to express himself. The plumber handed him all of the sheet music he had been collecting from the stage. Upon closer inspection, Luigi noticed that each one had handwritten notes and annotations on it: little lessons that Bowser wrote for himself. Lessons that he only did for the sake of his children's happiness.

“Whatever you do decide to do, Bowser, I hope you know-” Luigi inhaled, holding the king’s large claw and setting the sheath of papers into them. “I'll admit - I was wrong about you.”

“You are a good person deep down. Even if you can’t accept that.”

The dinosaur looked to him, then to the music notes. He almost looked conflicted, as if Luigi’s words had caused some kind of irreparable change in his psyche. Regardless of what happened today, Luigi knew that things between them were going to be different; perhaps even better. The wilted fire flower reignites as Bowser puffed a little bit of his fire onto it. The king watched it slowly bloom with a mesmeric glow, before handing it to Luigi.

"Take it."

This time, Luigi held it a little closer than he had before. Even as the flower puttered out, no longer able to keep burning without Bowser's flame, he tucked it away into the pockets of his overalls.

"So? What are you going to do?"

“I-” 

But just as Luigi was getting somewhere, the stone doors burst open right in the middle of Bowser's reply. The trumpet’s irritating blare stunned both of them, a blue blur rocketing into the room unwanted and unprovoked.

“You?! What did I say about knocking, General!?!”

“Apologies Milord! But we have found Princess Peach!” The General did a few loops in the air before landing, not sparing Luigi a single glance - as if the plumber did not exist at all. “She’s at the kingdom of the Kongs asking for their machines, with a human by her side.” 

“A human who, I might add, is wearing overalls and a hat with the letter ‘M’ written on it.”

Mario.

Based on his expression, Bowser had come to the exact same conclusion. There was no conflict or hesitation in the mighty tyrant as his spikes shot out from his shell, chest glowing an ominous orange. Luigi scrambled back from the sudden heatwave, desperately trying to force himself to intervene.

“Tell me, General.” Bowser snarls. “Was this human - by any chance - courting her?”

“He was. And she likes him very, very much. So much so that spies have reported them sharing a kiss. So much so that some say that he’s already planning to ask for her hand in marriage.”

Bowser’s roar shook the entirety of the castle, down to the bedrock. Luigi suddenly found that he was put under the king’s full, undivided attention; but unlike before, it was far from a good thing.

“Bowser I-”

“Was it all a distraction Luigi?! A trick to get me to lower my guard so your brother could swindle MY WOMAN from beneath my nose?!” Bowser’s claw didn’t move forward, but the plumber flinched nonetheless. “How dare you do this to me?! I SPARED YOUR LIFE!”

The sheer horror and shock on his face must have been something to behold, because it was enough to cause Bowser to pause. But his furious glare pierced through the veil of calm, destroying any chance that Luigi had in calming the tyrant down. He roars again, slamming his foot onto the stage and sending dust falling from the stone cathedral above.

“I-I-”

“GENERAL! SEND THIS MAN BACK TO PRISON! MAKE SURE HE NEVER SEES THE LIGHT OF DAY!”

Chapter Text

The Fire Flower had wilted in his chest.

Luigi sighed as he held the power-up close; as if doing so would somehow revive the wilted flower. He ignored the chaos of the cells around him, mostly made up of the hooting and hollering of the newly arrived ‘Kongs’. Clearly, Bowser had no intention of stopping his maniacal ways: emphasizing the futility of Luigi’s efforts at brokering a peace. 

The plumber blinked his heavy eyes, weighed down by the glimpse of success that had been torn from his grasp. While he had spent his initial hours crying and pleading to anyone who could hear him, Luigi was left with nothing but numbness. His hands had stopped shivering, skin pale with cold sweat.

“Some hero I am.”

With a crunch, the fire flower Bowser had given him was crushed within his palm. 

Luigi closed his eyes as the chains rattled from above, a familiar noise that soothed him as he tried to sleep the days away in peace. Perhaps his dreams would be kinder than the nightmare he had come to know as life.

Wait. Rattling?

The plumber opened one eye and noticed that, instead of dreary darkness and hanging cells, that he was suddenly outside of the prison: hanging over a gargantuan pit of lava. Ironically the very same one he and Bowser had bathed in during their honeymoon. Luigi had never thought he would be nostalgic for that period of his life.  By all known laws of aviation, the entire prison shouldn't have been able to get off the ground. 

“Oh Mama mia.”

As depressed as Luigi was, he didn’t want to die so painfully. The plumber leapt to the sides of his cage, shaking at the iron bars. The other prisoners began to panic as the cages began to slowly descend, painfully slow in a fashion only the melodramatic Bowser could concoct.

“Ack! Not like this!”

“I can’t die! I’m too young to die!”

“Finally! The Sweet release of Death!”

Ignoring the growing screams and panic of his cellmates, Luigi took a deep breath to calm himself. He may have been pathetic and a loser, but he wasn’t going to be a coward any longer. The chain lurched downwards. Luigi’s expression hardened as he scanned his prison cell for anything that could help, anything at all.

In the blink of an eye, the plumber felt heat unlike any he had ever felt before.

The lava was coming close and fast. He spotted a particularly rusted bit of metal: one weak and brittle enough to break. Luigi’s thoughts become frantic as he punches at the bars of his cage: resulting in only a bruised arm. Wincing, the plumber lashes out with a strong kick: barely managing to twist the rusted iron.

Nononononononono

“AHH!” With a roar of exertion, Luigi slams his shoulder onto the bar: roaring out at Fate for the countless injustices that it had dealt in his hand. “LET ME OUT!”

The bar does not bend. The chain holding his cell sinks further closer to fiery oblivion. As the rising heat of the magmatic ocean approaches, Luigi comes to a realization. 

 No wonder everyone said he was just a shadow. No wonder Mario didn’t bother to come for him. No wonder Bowser hadn’t seen him as valuable enough to keep alive. He was a waste of space, simply a weak footnote in the annals of history. And honestly? Luigi finally understood why the world had treated him as a side character in his own life.

Luigi had never managed to do anything right.

But even as the lava crept closer, the plumber remembers words. Shockingly, they are not from his Father or his Ma or even Mario - but from someone else. The Bowser inside his head smiled encouragingly, patting Luigi on the back at his first victory. 

“I knew you had the beast in you.” 

 Encouraged by his burst of willpower, the remnants of the Fire Flower ignite with a new flame: Luigi’s clothes flickering from green and blue to white and green. A soothing warmth overwhelms his senses, but the man quickly shrugs it off to focus. As the waves of lava reached upward, Luigi used the last embers of his powers to blast a hole in the cell: one barely large enough to fit in. Even as the flower ran out, the plumber remained powered up: eager to make his final stand. Luigi was not going to go down a fight: destiny be damned!

“Hey! You!”

His newest cellmate looked up, narrowing his wrinkled eyes behind a pair of glasses. 

“What did you call me? You? Listen here you whippersnapper, I’ll have you know that-”

“Reach your hands out the bars and throw me up there! I’m going to climb the chain!”

“And why would I ever do that?”

“...”

“I'm just kidding! Kids these days, so oblivious.” The geriatric Kong chuckled, sticking out a pair of hairy arms. “We’re all going to get spitroasted anyway, why would an old geezer even try to stop you? Get over here!”

Taking a few deep breaths, Luigi allowed the last bits of Fire Flower to fade. He pushed his cage a few times on one side, using it as a gargantuan pendulum to boost his momentum. The plumber dug his shoes into the ground and faced the gap in his prison with new found determination. If there was one thing he was good at, at least one thing Mario said he was good at, it was jumping.

“Alright.” Luigi huffed, curling his shaking hands into fists. “Letsa do this.”

What’s the worst that could happen?

He runs. His lithe body clears the hole.

Luigi’s plumber boots barely touched the bottom of the old Kong’s hands: pushing up and above the ape’s cage in one brazen leap. Time slows to a crawl in his mind. Over the shrill ringing in his ears, Luigi could hear the distant applause and shocked gasps of the other cellmates. His momentum pushed him up and forward.

Only for the chain to jolt out of his grasp. 

“Oh.”

At least he tried.

But instead of falling to Earth and dying a horrible death - he goes up . Luigi first assumed it was him ascending to Heaven, pulled up by angels: but Mario came pretty close.

“M-mario!”

Luigi is briefly caught off guard by the fact he is wearing a brown raccoon suit of all things, but with the variety of power-ups in this strange new world it was far from the strangest thing the plumber had seen today. Mario’s tail spun even faster with the additional weight, streaking past the ascending cages. 

“Going up!”

Luigi laughed out loud at his brother’s quip, the both of them shooting up back onto a nearby stone platform. He is gently set onto the ground, brushing the dust off his jumper as Mario lands next to him. Seeing him again was everything Luigi had dreamed of and more.

“Sorry I took so long.” The mustached brother smirked. “You know how New York traffic gets on the weekends.”

But despite his smile, Mario looked so - tired. 

Luigi could see all the signs as clear as day, the dark bags beneath his eyes and the messiness of his trimmed mustache. Beneath the loud clang of metal on metal and the explosions of war, Luigi only had ears for his brother’s heavy ragged breathing. 

If it wasn’t for the brown fur of the power-up, he had no doubt Mario would have been covered in rashes and bruises from whatever harrowing adventure he had gone through to save him.

“Mario! You’re alright!”

The ringing in his ears returned as Mario was embraced by a beautiful blonde woman tied into a ponytail, wearing a light blue ball gown. Her fair skin was without blemishes, though the plumber attributed that to a power-up rather than her natural beauty. He wasn’t into women most days, but Luigi could not deny that Princess Peach was definitely worth fighting for.

"Peach, I'm fine." His brother blushed, not used to being the receiving end of someone else's concern. "How are you? Did he hurt you?"

"Bowser could never. B-but how did you survive? I saw you fall off the road with my own eyes! I-I just thought-"

Her composed voice cracked, Mario's tail and ears reaching backwards with anxiety and concern. 

"Hey. Peach, I'm here. Don't worry."

Peach carefully cupped Mario’s cheeks in her gloved hands, his brother smiling gently and stroking her arms with his paws. They had chemistry, that was for sure. Luigi had to repress a tear at the touching display of true love: until it goes on for a little too long. As another pair of Mario's friends, a muscular Kong and a small mushroom-headed man, joined into the hug: Luigi was left out yet again. He stood in the shadows, shaking with an unfamiliar emotion.

Anger.

Angry at his brother for his sweet time and leaving Luigi to rot in a cell. Angry at himself for being unable to make one friend while Mario made three. Most of all, he was angry at the world - angry at it for once again giving Mario the easy way out while leaving Luigi behind with monsters. It just wasn’t fair .

But that anger all melted away with a hug. Mario had not forgotten about him: and he never would.

Their foreheads are pressed together, a warm familiar sensation better than any power-up could be. Luigi closed his eyes in his brother’s strong embrace: nothing could ever go wrong when Mario was here. 

“There there. It's all going to be ok.”

“I-I’m sorry. I thought you abandoned me.”

“Fratello .” Mario sounded half offended at the insinuation, Luigi having to choke back a regretful sob. “Tu mi completi. I would never.”

Luigi sniffled back a sob as he was pulled into another deep hug, noticing the tension leaving his brother’s body. No matter what envy or insecurities he had, Luigi was going to put them all aside if that meant propping up his brother even for a second. Mario needed him to be strong, and so he would give him everything he had to offer. They were both so tired, and Luigi had almost forgotten that in the midst of his self-hatred.

“Not to ruin your moment and all but - what do we do about him?”

 The tie-wearing Kong pointed one hairy arm towards an iceberg, and it took Luigi a second to see Bowser frozen within his prison: scarlet eyes frozen mid-roar. He noticed a frigid orb forming within Peach’s palm, combined with the general blue of her outfit - it was enough for him to put the pieces together.

“Y-you froze him?”

“That’s not important.” Peach looked around the plaza, noticing the glint of a sharp looking halberd. With a quick movement of her foot, it flies into her grasp. Luigi found it hard to believe that this Peach was the same one Bowser described as ‘gentle and soft’.  “Let’s finish this.”

“Yeah!”

“Finally.” Mario pumped his fists together, though his faux enthusiasm did little to hide his weariness from Luigi's keen eyes. “Hey DK, wanna play throw the Bowser?”

“Not today little guy. It would be too easy for me to win.”

“Really? Wanna prove that?”

The jovial mood is ruined as a dozen or so koopas enter into the arena, some of which Luigi actually recognized from his fan group. Their fearful and shocked expressions are replaced by a cold conviction, the guards rushing forward with a variety of battle cries. He didn't want to fight them, but with the others raising their fists: Luigi had little choice in the matter. Then again, as one tried to stab him with an arrow, his opinions on that matter were easily changed the other way.

“Finish this!” DK shouts, grabbing the little mushroom man and throwing him into the fray. “Me and Toad will keep em off your back!”

With that, the battle descends into chaos.

Mario and Peach fought in unison, covering each other's blind spots. Her long halberd knocked Koopas aside as if they were pinballs, while Mario’s powerful fists were more than enough to push any who managed to make it through her flurry of attacks. Luigi fought alone, although he liked it more this way: his messier fighting style needing wide open space to fully be effective. One stray blow sends a koopa into his shell, barreling the poor turtle towards the enemy backline and clearing the horde in one fell swoop.

“Nice one Lu!” 

“Excellent work! Mario was right, you are a brave soul.”

Their praises make Luigi’s heart flutter: only for it to drop into the abyss as Peach raises her halberd. Her cold eyes focused solely on Bowser’s chest, and Luigi could have sworn he saw the king’s eyes widen in fear.

“But now, we finish this.”

“Wait Bowser isn’t all bad!”

Every single pair of eyes, even those of their enemies, turns to look at Luigi to varying degrees of confusion. DK threw aside the helpless Goomba he had been pummeling, tugging at his tie and muttering an ‘‘awkward’ that was far too loud to ease the tension.

“What are you saying Lu?” Mario scoffed. “Did Bowser knock a few screws loose off your head or something?”

His brother’s expression darkens when Mario realizes Luigi was not joking. The plumber looked to Peach for help, but considering she had been kidnapped recently: he found the exact opposite in her eyes. The royal looked ready to throw him into the lava with the way her blue eyes smoldered.

“Bowser is a tyrant and a monster. He needs to be punished for his crimes.”

“B-but we can’t just murder him!”

“Why not?” Mario sounded as kind and considerate as ever, but Luigi could see his withering patience from the twitch in his eyes. “Bowser is literally the bad guy here! This is like saying Link should have saved Ganon in that Zelda game, are you hearing yourself Lu?”

“He has destroyed so many lives.” Peach added, a little less humorously. “There is no other way."

"There has to be!"

The royal couple shared a look, before Mario took a few steps forward to reach for his hand. Luigi backed away uncertainly, which made the entire situation even worse. At this point, everyone had stopped fighting just to watch the soap opera taking place on the red carpet.

"Luigi, come on." His brother tries. "Think about who you're doing this for - if we don't stop Bowser here for good, who knows what he'll do when he gets out?"

“Yeah well, Bowser has children! Nine of them! Would you really want to leave them without a father? A-and his kingdom, would you really want to send them into some kind of civil war because we took away their tyrannical king? If we do go through with his, we're no better than he is! A-are we really a bunch of killers?!"

As if to answer his question, the princess flicks out her halberd - spinning it in the air and reeling back her arm for a throw aimed at the king’s heart. He should have been happy about this but - the plumber couldn’t stop himself from dashing forward. Luigi’s mind inexplicably imagines Bowser’s children standing over the corpse of their deceased father, having lost their parents for a second time. 

“No!”

With one final lunge, he pushed Peach’s aim slightly upwards with a shove. 

The weapon shoots into the air; landing on the ice before the helpless king’s head. Despite Peach’n harsh glare, the woman likely having more than a few foul words for Luigi, she held her tongue: the cracking of the ice reminding them of more pressing matters.

“Wait! Let me try to talk to him!”

Luigi’s desperate pleas for peace go unheard as flames erupt from within the glacier, Bowser bursting out in a crimson-tinged bloodlust. His eyes widened in fear as the prehistoric monster roared menacingly, tail slamming onto the stone. There was no trace of that kind loving father willing to do anything for his children.

Only a monster.

“Bowser! Please! We-we can work this out!”

For a split second, Luigi could have sworn he saw Bowser soften his gaze: only for the tenderness to be hidden beneath a veneer of raging fury. History repeats itself as escaped prisoners rush for the doors back into the castle, only for koopa reinforcements to flood in from just about everywhere. Desperate to survive, all Hell breaks loose as the wedding devolves into a fierce melee.

“RELEASE THE BULLET BILL!” The titan roars with a grave finality. “DESTROY THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!”

Ever the hero, Mario takes off, rising to meet the gargantuan looming shadow that was the Bullet Bill missile. Peach shouts orders to the escaped prisoners, raising her halberd and running forward without an inch of fear: even as Bowser spewed a brilliant orange across their devastated wedding venue. Ice and flame clash in the air, an elemental war that sent sparks flying across the battlefield. 

All while Luigi stood there, staring ahead with a vacant desperate glint in his eyes.

What had he done?

Chapter Text

The Distant Past  

Bowser couldn’t stop being upset. It was bedtime and no one was here yet! The sun had set long ago, and the stars were glittering outside. Bowser could see the entire kingdom from here, black smoke rising from in-between the jungle trees. 

“Kamek!”

No response.

The young Lord Bowser stomped his foot on the carpet, spitting fire into the air. He was already far more talented than the other royal koopas when it came to breathing fire, and Bowser had spent no less than three hours flexing his talents to his siblings.

“KAAAAMEEEEK!”

Another scream goes unanswered. His temper was reaching a crescendo, the little king leaping out of his bed with a huff. He grabbed his trusty warhammer, for no good koopa left without it, trudging along with a weapon twice his height. 

“KAAAMEEEK!” Bowser pushed the door open with some effort, his stubby legs making it difficult. “I WANT A BEDTIME STORY! NOW!”

The hallways remained empty, decorated in paintings and stone walls that Bowser could not care less about. He followed his gut instincts: trotting forward while swinging his hammer back and forth. 

“KAMEEEEK!”

Eventually, his journey took him to the throne room: where Papa and Mama would have been. Bowser felt a tinge of uncertainty at the emptiness of the vast room, with the large window showing the full Moon in all its glory. Bored, Bowser threw aside the heavy weapon and jumped onto Papa’s wide throne: swinging his feet back and forth. Someday, this would all be his to rule - and Bowser grew excited.

A whole kingdom! All for him! Every koopa would be his to command!

“KAAMEEEEEK! KAAMEEEEK!”

Finally, the wizard reappeared with a puff: bedraggled and confused. Had Bowser been older, he would have felt a bit uneasy at the heavy bags beneath Kamek’s eyes: and the general nervousness in the mage’s every movement. A few patches of ash were left on the wizard’s navy blue robes.

“I demand a bedtime story! Where are Papa and Mama?!”

Instead of a response, Kamek staggers onto one foot - leaning onto his cane.

For his age, Bowser was perceptive: expression changing to one of concern. He slipped off the roof to help the old man stand for himself, the magikoopa muttering and adjusting his glasses. As the oldest child, Bowser was more than used to helping his younger siblings. 

“K-kamek?”

“I-I am sorry Bowser. Your parents and siblings have - left.”

“Left?”

“They have left to our allies in Sarasaland, but - but your Father decreed that you would rule in his stead.”

Bowser’s ears began to ring. The koopa child blinked once, then twice as the wizard’s words hit in their entirety. He carefully set Kamek down on the foot of their throne room, taking a seat next to the aged koopa. 

“Why?” The child asked, voice breaking. “Why would they-”

A hand is laid across his shoulder, and a deep sigh echoes across the empty silent room. The young koopa rose onto his feet, spikes poking out of his shell as he strode over to the window. What was once a thriving jungle had been reduced to ash, a distant golden light marking the encroaching armies of the damned Mushroom Kingdom. Bowser’s heart fell as he realized what his own family had done.

On that day, Bowser Koopa became the last King of the Koopa kingdom - and the one to bear fault for its greatest failure.

The Closer Past

Even at his highest point, Bowser felt nothing. 

There was no honor or pride or glee in attaining his revenge, but a simple empty realization that it was all going to be over soon. That his fire could finally be put to rest. That he could go home to his children and kingdom, and reclaim all that they had lost. A quiet end to a long brutal war.

Bowser snarled as Mario cowered, savoring how defeated the smug bastard was. His claws flexed in anticipation as the human desperately crawled towards the glowing golden Power Star, just close enough to be within reach but not close enough to where it could save him from the koopa’s flame. 

“MARIO!” A woman shouts, even as she was surrounded by dozens of koopa guards. “YOU CAN DO IT!”

Bowser paused, if only to glare at Peach with a cruel smile. He had no intent to goad or to brag, unwilling to rub salt in what was undoubtedly a festering wound. Bowser had standards after all, why would he kick a warrior while they were down? Perhaps after Mario and her kingdom were rubble, Peach would see the error of her ways and surrender to becoming a caretaker for his children. At least, while her kingdom was burned - the princess would be spared.

“You are a good person, deep down. Even if you can’t accept that.”

The king growls. What did Luigi know? That little plumber only had eyes for his brother and nothing more, to think that Bowser had let himself be tricked by that weak sniveling snot-nosed man. Had the king known better, he should have left that green bastard to rot in prison where he belonged.

“DIE!”

His words came with an inferno, raging forward with the strength of a tsunami. Bowser’s fury was unlike anything that koopa, man or kong had ever seen: cracking the pavement with a wave of unrelenting heat. The air swam as the bruised and battered Mario scrambled to find purchase on the asphalt, a futile attempt at outrunning the end. Bowser stepped forward to resist the sudden backward momentum from his own attack, pushing the raging blaze to nip at Mario's heels. The plumber held his hands up, accepting that he was beaten.

Something green runs into the center of the river.

Despite everything that the human had done to him, everything that Bowser had been through: the king stopped .

The gap in the flames was enough of a mistake to allow the figure to help Mario onto his feet, brushing the dust off his overalls.

 A glowing manhole cover is thrown aside. Luigi and his brother shared a nod, with the taller of the two glaring at Bowser in particular. The glare is matched with ferocity. While the king’s rational mind wanted to order a retreat, seeing as they were too close to the Power Star, Bowser’s heart had other ideas. This was no longer a matter of war - this was a matter of pride. No matter what it took, Bowser would have that Star: and the Mushroom Kingdom would be nothing but rubble when he was done with it.

“GET THEM!” 

A horde of koopas rushed forward, but it was too late.

Coated in rainbows and gold, the humans were unstoppable. Dozens of brave soldiers were thrown aside like ragdolls, weapons forged from lava bent as easily as one would do to a sheet of paper. It was hopeless at this point - Luigi and his brother were going to throttle what was left of his armies before Bowser could even blink.

But the king did not care. Even if the odds were a billion to one, he would fight.

A claw catches Mario as he leaps in for a punch, but Bowser found out quickly that the Star’s power extended to speed as well as strength. His shell was kicked and tossed around by the brothers, laying down a beatdown that only incensed the king even further. But there was nothing Bowser could do to stop them, every punch and sweep of his tail hitting nothing but air. He retreated into his shell to dodge another flurry of attacks, spinning on his belly and knocking them back. Like cockroaches, both got up: scoffing and brushing the dust off their caps with an arrogance that made Bowser even more furious.

“ENO-”

His flame attacks are cut short as Luigi lands a nasty uppercut to his chin, pushing the king onto his shell. Bowser had the wind knocked from his sails with a devastating ground pound from Mario, punching him down into the rocks below. The brothers had the audacity to bow atop his chest before grabbing onto his tail, using their combined might to lift the king up into the air. Bowser was left disoriented as the world spun around him, but he could still hear the cheers and laughs of their companions as the brother's continued to make a mockery of the tyrannical king.

“Hup!” Mario taunted. “So long, ay Bowser!"

And with that, Bowser was thrown into the air. He flailed helplessly as he shot up past the clouds, before arcing downwards and towards his own ship. Bowser was many things, but light was not one of them. He could do little but brace for the impact: holding up his bruised hands weakly as the obsidian rock approached. There was only one thought on his mind.

Where did he all go wrong?

Now

To add insult to injury, Bowser was imprisoned.

Surrounded by an ugly pastel wallpaper, the koopa bemoaned his circumstances. Normally, he would have broken out of this cage and used the bars as toothpicks: but those Mushroom Kingdom morons had used a power-up to punish him. Bowser was reduced to a tiny shadow of himself, with an insultingly high-pitched voice to match. At this point, he did not even want to go back to the Dark Lands - lest the monsters see someone as mighty as him reduced to a pet.

 A sorry excuse for  a prison. Fit for a sorry excuse of a ruler.

Bowser spent his days in boredom, with only a piano and his memories to keep him company. In return for providing her with a lavish wedding and the world on a silver platter, Peach had at least given him one thing he could enjoy. The only other company he had were those damned Toads guarding the door outside: and they spent at least five minutes every visit laughing at his squeaky voice. 

It had grown old after the first three times they pointed it out and annoying after the next six.

“Psst, sire.” A familiar voice whispered, hoarse but loving. “I’m here.”

“What? Who is that?”

“A Yoshi here to claim his taxes - who else do you think it is?”

With a snap of his fingers, Kamek turns on the lights in the room; revealing the pathetic state of the Koopa King. His shell was scuffed from the impact: bruises unable to heal thanks to the power-ups twisted magic. There was no need for him to take care of himself, and so the king’s face had become more feral: auburn hair wild with bags beneath his scarlet eyes. 

A moment passes. 

Kamek had spent his entire life raising the Bowser, watching him grow from the oldest child of a cowardly king to the pride and joy of the Dark Lands. He noticed the way that his surrogate frowned, hiding his wounds behind a veneer of pride. Bowser would become more upset if the wizard coddled him like a newly hatched koopa, but Kamek could not stop himself from giving his surrogate son a pitying pained look behind the glasses.

“Why are you here?” 

“Why else? To free you!” Kamek snaps his fingers, and the cage’s door opens. “Now come on your majesty, Peach won’t marry herself will she?”

Bowser rises from the floor of the cage, walking over to the gate and pulling it shut with as much force as his small weak body could muster. Without another word, he retreated to his corner of safety at the piano.

“Sire?”

“What’s the point? We lost. I lost.”

“My lord! W-what do you mean? Our forces are regrouping as we speak and-”

“The Star is locked away, the Mushroom Kingdom remains - and Peach will never love me.” His self-hatred bubbled to the surface, Bowser’s tone growing more and more angry at some unseen enemy. “Ever since I became King, we’ve lost everything. Koopas sacrificed by the hundreds, lives destroyed by the thousands and for what? Even if I got out, what's to say that history won't repeat itself again? What if I fall again? Then what?”

His heart aches for his children, for each and every one of them. Bowser’s jaw locked with repressed emotions, realizing truly that this was his end. They did not deserve a monster and a loser like him for a father.

“But-but son, I-”

“DON’T CALL ME THAT!”

 His fists slam onto the piano, a rare trace of Bowser’s old self erupting like a volcano. 

Fire erupts from the sides of his mouth as he glares at Kamek with rage, a rage that peters out as soon as he sees the pitying expression on his old man’s face. His heart swelled with guilt as Bowser realized what he had done; pushing away the only person who still cared. Luigi’s harsh words replay in his mind, and whatever was left of his pride topples into a hot steaming mess.

“See? I ruin everything I touch.” Bowser collapsed onto his chair, resting his weary claws on the piano keys. “Just go home Kamek. Take care of the kids for me, will you?”

“Of course, Bowser.”

With a bow and a reluctant stare, Kamek teleports away; allowing Bowser to wallow in silence. He leans down, picking up all the scattered papers of sheet music that he had dropped in his tantrum. The king shuts his eyes for a moment when he finds the song he had written for Princess Peach among them, crumpling the paper in one claw and throwing it out of the room. 

With a deep breath, the monarch tests the piano; notes echoing in the silence of his prison cell. A different kind of fire erupts inside of him, whirling with passion and spite and emotions Bowser had forgotten he could feel. Memories flash in his mind as he plays.

“I was the one who had it all. I was the master of my fate.”

Bowser’s claws on the Power Star, basking in the unending vigor of the beautiful golden star. Its rays washed over his scales, warming his cold heart. The bane of the Koopas had been turned to their side, their greatest failure turned into an engine for their greatest success.

“I never needed anybody in my life. I learned the truth too late.”

Bowser on his throne, claw beneath his chin. He imagined the blonde and blue-eyed Princess Peach waiting on him hand and foot, laughing as she played with his children. His heart would have been soothed by her laughter, and that of Junior as he finally found his mother. Lava flowed around him as the Guards brought in a moron in green, the mustachioed man whimpering within Kamek’s magic prison. 

“I'll never shake away the pain. I close my eyes, but she's still there.”

“I let her steal into my melancholy heart! It's more than I can bear!”

The song he had made for her. It was a ballad, meant to profess Bowser’s undying love and affection - not for her, but to the family that they would have been together. To love someone for what they could give, Bowser could think of few things as pathethic as he was during those first moments of the war.

“Now I know she'll never leave me! Even as she runs away!”

“She will still torment me, calm me, hurt me, move me, come what may!”

Peach’s beautiful face flashed in his mind, no not that face - but her real face. Bowser’s brows furrowed as he recalled her disgust at his attempts to love her like a husband would, and her unrelenting hatred as she sent her halberd skewering to pierce his chest and break his heart a second time. Peach hated him with all of her heart - and that would never be changed by a song and dance. Bowser was a fool to have thought that.

“Wasting in my lonely tower!  Waiting by an open door!”

“I'll fool myself, she'll walk right in. And be with me for evermore.”

Their relationship had been built on Bowser’s dreams: dreams that disappeared when the morning came. Deep down, Bowser knew that Peach was just an excuse. He was lonely as a monster should be, and yet the king wanted nothing more than to find companionship - to break out of the role Fate had provided for him. That was something not even the Power Star could give. His frustratingly high-pitched voice made it hard to hit the low notes he needed.

“I rage against the trials of love, I curse the fading of the light!”

“Though she's already flown so far beyond my reach - He's never out of sight.”

Luigi had been there. He had seen Bowser’s deepest darkest self, the worst that the king had to offer. Bowser was nothing but a tyrannical maniac with an obsession for a woman who he knew nothing about, and a failure of a father to boot.

And yet, the plumber had saved him. 

Luigi had chosen to fight for his sake back at that disaster of a wedding, even after all that the cruel koopa had done to him and his family. Bowser had watched him grow into his own person: change in a way that made the koopa both awestruck and envious. Instead of a sniveling coward, Luigi was brave and kind: a better father and a far better man than Bowser could ever be. He had broken out of the loop, while Bowser remained trapped in the same cyclical patterns of destruction.

“Now I know he'll never leave me! Even as he fades from view!”

“He will still inspire me - Be a part of everything I do!

Bowser didn’t know why, but it felt better this way. He pushed his frail vocal chords to the limits, focusing on Luigi instead of Peach. In another life, they could have been friends - and more perhaps. But Bowser never dwelt on regret, his raw melancholy pouring from his open heart like a deep river. He looked forward, ignoring the sins of his past. Bowser would fight, not for himself, but for his future. He would change to be better - no matter the cost.

“Wasting in my lonely tower! Waiting by an open door!”

“I'll fool myself, he'll walk right in-”

But the realization was too little too late. Bowser’s heart swells in regret. The thought of the plumber’s gentle smile caused the usually precise musician to play a wrong note, claws drifting over the piano in a listless frenzy. Bowser did not need friends or enemies or lovers, he only needed power. He was a monster - and everyone believed that.

Everyone but Luigi.

“And as the long, long nights begin-”

The sheet music called for a dramatic final verse, but Bowser had not the energy or the emotion to accomplish it. His claws grind to a halt, tapping each of the keys with less and less vigor. All that was left of the proud king was an echo: the last bullet waiting within an empty chamber. There was nothing more Bowser could do, he had made his choices and his mistakes. No matter what he said or did, the past was set in stone. Bowser would be remembered as a tyrant and nothing more - his good future broken by his own claws and erased by his own flames.

“I'll think of all that might have been.”

“Waiting here for evermore.”

Bowser slammed the keys one last time, and his bravado was enough for the king to shed a tear at how far he had fallen. The door creaked open, and the king mentally prepared himself for the mockery from the Toads.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Illuminated by the light from the outside, was none other than Luigi.

Chapter Text

Had he heard him singing? 

Bowser blinks, swallowing a lump in his itching throat. Wait, why do I care what he thinks?! 

Pushing aside his embarrassment, the king growled as deeply as his voice could allow. Flame and smoke hid the blood rushing to his cheeks. Bowser may have been a pathetic loser the size of a small rat, but he would not be a pathetic loser without pride!

“How dare you approach me! I am Bowser, King of the Dark Lands and- wait wait stop!”

 Bowser bites and scratches with as much fury as he can muster, but the white glove clamped around him like a Chain Chomp’s jaws. Luigi winced as the former monarch bit down. At least, that’s the reason Bowser hoped for. It was likely out of disgust at his sorry state.

“UNHAND ME!” He shrieks. “HOW DARE YOU MANHANDLE ME, I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED AS PAINFULLY AND SLOWLY AS-”

“Just a warning.” Luigi remarked dryly. “This probably is going to hurt a bit.”

“HAH! FOOL! NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL EVER-”

SPLAT!

Bowser’s entire body glows with brilliant light as he impacts the wall, pulsing outward in gradual waves. Every push increases his size, the power-up’s curse fading with every second. When the groaning Bowser finds the wits to push himself back up, the monster’s first instinct is to flex his claws.

The moron had freed him.

“Hah!” Bowser had never been happier to hear his own laugh, and that was saying something. “FOOL!”

The king steps forward; brandishing his claws. Spit flew forward from his mouth, illuminated by the flames trickling from his throat. Bowser’s triumphant roar shook the entirety of the castle, shaking the strings of fate.

Luigi did not even flinch. In fact, he yawned - readjusting his cap idly.

“What? What is all this? Some kind of trick?” Bowser pauses. “Aren’t you afraid?”

“Of you? Honestly? Not really?”

His scarlet eyes glare with all their fury, but Bowser could find not a shred of weakness. Luigi, as hard as it was to believe, was telling the whole truth. 

“I am going to destroy the kingdom.”

No response.

“Did you not hear me?! I SAID-”

“Oh I heard you.” Luigi yawned. “I just know you won’t do it.”

The king scoffed; leaning in as close as he wanted. So this was Luigi’s plan, to humiliate him into admitting Bowser was a soft-shelled coward. Two could play at that game, all that mattered now was who would chicken out first. 

"How does it feel to be in prison by the way?" The plumber dared to joke. "Not so nice is it? Maybe next time you could be-"

“Doesn't matter, don't care. Is this your way of redeeming me?” He snarls. “Because it won’t work - I am a monster.” 

“You misunderstand, I know I can't redeem you.”

It took all of his might to keep his face dead neutral. Luigi pressed on nonchalantly, seemingly unaware of the game they were playing.

“Are you a bit of a self-centered asshole? Yes. Are you a tyrannical ruler who literally everyone is afraid of? Also a yes. Do you have the ego the size of a galaxy? For sure. But - for some reason - I don't hate you that much. Call it optimism, call it stupidity whatever.”

“Stupidity is exactly what it is.”

To his frustration, Bowser was left ignored. 

“Point is, you only do bad things - because that's all you think you can do." Luigi chuckled, softly patting him casually on the snout. Bowser only let him do so because he was in a good mood. “Take it from me, once you think that you are something - you'll stay that way unless you make a change. Can't dig your way out of a hole unless you shovel, right?"

"Get to the point."

"Sure, you've done bad things - but I- I just have a good feeling about you.  You don't have to be a monster or a villain, you can be what you want to be. I know you want to change Bowser, and I just know you can do it - even if you need a little push."

“...”

“Besides, I couldn't live with myself if I let your kids grow up without a father.”

“My kids? W-why would you even care?”

“They deserve a father who they can look up to - a father that will allays be there for them."

Shit. Bowser took a second to look away, hiding a sudden wellspring of wetness in his eyes. God, he missed his kids so much - his heart still aching from that brief window of time where Bowser thought he would never see them again.

“Because I know how it feels to be ignored and stepped on better than anyone and - and I wouldn't let them go through what I had to growing up. Mario was always there for me, and I want you to always be there for them.”

Stunned, the koopa looked at Luigi for the first time. 

His hands were shivering. Forehead covered in sweat, only now illuminated by Bowser’s fire. Luigi’s eyes widened at every movement of his jaws. Clearly, the man was afraid - Bowser just wasn’t looking closely enough to notice.

And yet the plumber braved it, faced it head on with the strength of a real koopa. He was twice the fighter that Bowser could have ever been, because at least Luigi didn’t run away from the bitter truth.

“I-I see.”

Luigi noticed the king’s stutter, lowering his cap and smiling in a way that made Bowser both flustered and comforted. Bowser coughed to hide his emotions once again beneath smoke and flame, furrowing his thick eyebrows.

“Enough. I will not forget this favor, plumber man - I am your debt.” He admitted. “But I will warn you the next time we meet, I will not go easy on you or your idiot brother.”

A moment passes, for neither of them clearly knew what to do at this point. The king’s tail had finally stopped wagging back and forth. Bowser looked over at the door, then to the ugly walls.

“Tell the princess that the wallpaper fixing costs are on me.”

“S-sorry what? Hey, hey wait Bowser the door is-”

CRASH!

Luigi gasped as Bowser broke through the castle’s walls, leaping off into the horizon. He tucked his limbs into the shell and spun in the air like a discus - somehow gaining altitude instead of plummeting to the ground. The plumber blinked as the fiery disc disappeared into the horizon, jets propelling Bowser out and away from the kingdom.

BANG!

“Time’s up chump! Ready for a beatdown?!” Mario stormed in, ready for a fight with an enemy long gone. His eyes slowly widened into shock at the damage to the prison, before landing on Luigi. “L-lu? Did he hurt you?!” 

“N-no.” The older brother sighed in relief. “I-it worked.”

“It did?”

Peach lingered at the doorway uneasily, brandishing her halberd. The Toads at her side shared an uneasy glance before disappearing to places unknown. The princess regarded the situation with worry: a worry that tripled as soon as she landed her attention on Luigi.

“What did you say to him?” Mario tried and failed to diffuse the inevitable argument. “Lu, what did you-”

“I-I may have went a bit off script but I got all the main points down and-”

“Enough.” The blonde gripped tighter on her halberd, a little less forgiving than before. “Was letting him out of the cell part of your plan? Luigi, you were supposed to only talk to him - not to set him free!”

“Look - just trust me. Bowser is a good guy deep down, just a bit lonely and misguided. If this works out, all the kingdoms could be at peace! Do you two really want to live with taking a father away from his kids?”

“Yeah but if it doesn’t, we could all be spitroasted.” Mario jokes, before turning a little more serious. “Look, Lu, I know you’re a bleeding heart for this guy and his kids but - come on, this is Bowser we’re talking about. He can’t change, they never are able to.”

“And how do you know that? W-what if he has changed? What if us kicking his ass actually kicked some sense into him?”

“You don’t know what Bowser is capable of.”

“Oh I’m pretty sure I do, seeing as I slept with him - ah nevermind.”

Luigi ignored the confused glances from both of his friends, brushing the dust off his overalls. He felt a little bit ashamed that this was the way things went, but if Luigi had learnt one thing from this journey to Hell and back - it was to always follow his gut instincts. This was his choice and no one else’s.

All the plumber could do was hope it paid off.

Dark Lands - What Remains of Bowser’s Floating Castle

The New Koopa Kingdom was busy.

With their failed invasion, everyone was put to work repairing what little was left of their pride and joy: the ruins of a castle belonging to a long-lost king. Out of all of the residents of the Dark Lands, only Kamek held genuine hope that the old lord would return - the other villains were just waiting for the royal mage to croak so that they could take over for themselves or execute their own dastardly plans.

But Fate had decided these other villains would need to wait a little longer.

“KAMEK!”

The door to the throne room was blown from its hinges, every koopa in the room dropping their jaws and tools at once. Shells rattled with a dozen bows as Bowser strode in like he owned the place, towering over the smaller citizens in all of his glory. His auburn hair flowed wildly, chest puffed out in a display of koopa pride.

“M-my lord.” Kamek bowed as soon as he poofed into the room, using a quick spell to clear the dust from Bowser’s throne. “Y-you’re back.”

“I am - and I need answers! Why does my dark and menacing throne room have skylights?!”

His voice rumbled the volcanic rock, causing a chunk of it to knock out a Goomba who happened to be standing under one such ‘skylight’. No one paid the poor guy any regard.

“What?! Did I say you could stop?! Go out there and FIX MY CASTLE!”

In a flurry of motion, the workers began to work double time - Bowser smirking as he got comfortable right where he belonged. His spikes retracted one by one, the dinosaur breathing a subtle sigh of relief only noticed by the wizard at his side. The sound of construction drowned out their conversation, allowing Bowser to express as much concern as he wanted.

“How’s the hands? Feeling better?”

“Oh it’s nothing, these old bones aren’t that shriveled, My Lord.”

“Well I did slam the piano pretty hard and-”

Gah, he was being evasive again. Bowser stopped mid sentence, taking a deep breath to steady himself. Acknowledging his few miniscule mistakes to himself was one thing, but saying the dreaded S-word was nearly impossible. Bowser couldn't do that! He had pride, glory, arrogance! 

But Luigi believed he could change, and so he would.

Bowser had to, for their sakes and his own.

“I’m sorry.”

“Son.” Kamek smiled, putting a smaller hand on his own. “Come here.”

Bowser closed his eyes and lowered his head, allowing his father to pat him on the head and brush his hair just like old times. It was as if his parents had never left at all, and the young king was trying to avoid being put to bed by his cranky old babysitter. His tail wagged only a few times before he stopped it with a claw.

“Tch. Enough.”

The old koopa gave him a kind smile, a smile that Bowser had missed, as he reclined back onto his stone throne. It was so nice to not feel alone.

“Now, Kamek, I have plans. Big plans. We’re going to Rainbow Road tomorrow to fix up all the holes, then we’re going to make sure that my backup Go-Kart is still functional.”

“Oh? Would you like me to write the invitations to the other rulers of the Dark Lands?”

A puff of smoke, and Kamek had a feathery quill hovering over a prepared letter. Sometimes, the wizard was far too excited when it came to making Bowser meet new people. Then again, back when it was just the two of them, the king didn't exactly have the largest circle of friends.

“No, no that will not be needed - I only need one invitation.”

“For who?”

Bowser paused, mostly for dramatic effect and also because he somehow couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. 

“Luigi.”

Chapter Text

Weeks after.

“Lu!!”

“Un attimo!”

The former plumber rubbed his hands clean of soap, before drying them and stumbling over to put on his gloves. With a new spring in his step, Luigi entered into the living room of the two bedroom apartment: grabbing his pair of white gloves from the wall. The plumber was about to speak, until he realizes he forgot to turn off the sink: hurrying back to do so and reentering the room panting for breath.

“Yeah?” He noticed Mario holding a bundle of letters, they had been getting more of those lately. “Oh, you want me to help with the letter sorting?”

“Si.”

 Luigi plopped down on his green chair as his brother dropped them on the table: a pastel rainbow of colorful papers. Mario wiped his forehead, twirling his mustache and stifling a exhausted groan as soon as their eyes land on the most recent one.

“Really?” He taps one of the letters with the back of his hand. “I swear, I told Toad that we wouldn’t be going anywhere this week.”

“Mario, come on, don’t be too harsh on the guy. He just wants a good adventure, like you.”

"Oh but you have to admit this overdoing in, this is like - what - the third time he's asking us? We just finished fighting the big bad boss!"

"Well adventuring isn't so bad." Luigi reasoned, despite hating it with every fiber of his being. "You love adventure, and so does Toad - you two should go on some solo adventure together, it'll be great!"

“You won’t be saying that once you eat his cooking for the third day in a row.” 

“Mama mia, how rude.”

Mario gagged exaggeratedly, causing Luigi to chuckle and slap his brother on the head with the letter.

“Whatever, just help me sort through all these. Sooner we do this, the sooner we can see Peach again.”

"Oh you would like that, wouldn't you?"

Luigi laughed. Mario shut him up with a scoff and a playful nudge of the elbow.

"What?" The younger brother teased. "Can't I be happy that my big bro is getting a girlfriend soon?"

"She's not my girlfriend."

"I don't know Mario, you two do hang out quite often together-"

"Less talking, more working."

Luigi did so only after noticing Mario's blush. A rare but treasured memory for the young man.

Peach had adamantly refused to get herself a cellphone (not that it would have helped without any signal), so the princess had a tendency to send letters. This would have been effective enough, had it not been for the hundreds of other letters they got from the Toads. Even a pair of heroes like them got tired of the constant requests from their mushroom hosts, most of which were things that they could definitely have done on their own with a little work.

Then again, this was a nice change of pace. He actually enjoyed forgetting about the worries of the future, focusing on the simple monotony of filing and sorting through letters. Mario could go on his odysseys and adventures, Luigi’s idea of a good life was a mansion and a good dog. For all the Mushroom Kingdom had to offer, those two things had continued to elude him. Maybe he would have better luck in other kingdoms - where the real estate was less hostile.

“Huh? Who the heck sent this?”

In Mario’s hand was an ebony black envelope, with streaks of cartoon fire dotting the bottom. The seal was quickly torn, and Luigi watched his brother’s expression go from confusion to shock - before settling on pure confusion.  That wasn't good.

“M-Mario, what is it?”

“I think you see it for yourself.” Mario looked like he was either holding back a laugh or being held at gunpoint, handing Luigi the letter without making eye contact. “I-It’s something."

His hands shook as Luigi reads the letter, eyes threatening to roll out of his sockets.

Dear Luigi Plumber,   

 I have set up a race track across the Rainbow Road, and I would like to make sure that the whole road won’t just break before I try it. Because of your brother, my entire kingdom has been left in ruin. All of my koopas no longer have go-karts, and our armies have been reduced to just myself are stronger than ever: but they have better things to do than test this passion project of mine.

That’s where you come in, my favorite least useful lab rat. 

 If you do not cooperate, I will burn down the Mushroom Kingdom be mildly upset for like two days or something. No pressure though, I honestly do not care that much. However, doing so will be - nice in your best interests. You may consider this a repayment for getting me out of jail  your miniscule part in my escape from prison, which I could have done entirely on my own without your help.

Do not make me come over there and drag you here myself

Insincerely,

Lord Bowser Koopa the Second
Uncontested Tyrannical Ruler of the Dark Lands and Bane of the Mushroom Kingdom

Bowser's eye twitched. A vein in his forehead threatens to burst, no matter how hard the king tried to hold back the growing inferno in his gut.

And boy, he was trying so hard. 

“What?” Luigi asked, trying and failing to play the part of an endearingly oblivious moron. “Is there something on my nose?”

“Oh no, your nose is - fine. Did you change the mustache? Something is off."

"Y-yeah, I just trimmed it a bit. Around the edges, with a shaver. You know, normal human stuff. Then again, you have hair - and it's looks nice, so I'm assuming you groom it?"

The king does not take Luigi's attempts at baiting him into casual confrontation, pressuring the man to admit his mistake with a cold hard glare.  Another minute passes. 

“Did you get the letter I took the time to painstakingly write for you?”

Actually Kamek was the one holding the quill, but no one needed to know that. 

“Letter? What letter? Oh, wait - that letter. The letter you wrote for me, the letter I got written by you. The letter you gave to me that was written by you. He chuckled nervously, stammering both endearing and annoying. “Yeah - I d-did. A few days ago.”

“Good." He starts, voice lowering to an infuriating growl with every word. "I have one question, before we start.”

As much as Bowser would have liked ignoring the Thwomp in the room, he just couldn't. It didn't help that they had the ugliest go-karts known to koopa-kind, covered in clashing colors and having a distinct lack of oomph. Larry's plastic toy cars had more sharp edges than those losers did on all of their vehicles combined.

"S-sure, ask away.'

"Do you know why the letter was addressed to you? And only you? Because I wanted to have you alone. One on one, and not one against, say, THE ENTIRE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!”

A frying pan is thrown, Bowser grabs it in one claw and crushes it without mercy.

His scarlet eyes seared into the assembled entourage: to her credit, the Princess was the only among her fellow wedding crashers to not flinch. 

"LEMME AT EM MARIO!" One of the fungal fiends screeches. "I CAN TAKE HIM! I CAN-"

“Hah, don’t mind them.” The plumber chuckled. “They just also happened to - uh - be here. Pure coincidence, nothing to look into or worry about or-”

“You don’t trust me do you?”

“Whaaaat? No, no of course I do - I know you would never hurt us. Not that soon at least.”

“Really? Then why does that monkey have a gun?”

On cue, a smaller Kong ducked behind the kart, but he was too slow to avoid the grabbing arm of his larger counterpart. With a shake, at least two dozen coconuts and a wooden pistol fell away from his backpack - more than it should have been able to hold.

“Diddy! I told you not to bring these!”

“What? You said to come packing heat -”

“I meant booster rockets Diddy! Not the Coconut Gun!”

“Ok.” Peach steps forward, not even trying to hide the halberd strapped onto her tracksuit. “Look. Bowser. This isn’t easy for any of us, but this is your chance to fix things. You may think you're a tyrant and a monster, but Luigi believes you can change.”

“And what do you think, Princess?”

“I think-” The blonde slipped onto her motorbike in an admittedly badass fashion, flipping her ponytail to one side. “I think that you deserve a chance. One chance."

As much as he hated to admit it, his ‘ex’ had a point. Bowser would have done exactly the same if he was a sniveling coward like Luigi.

Doing his best to ignore the plumber's chaperones, the king took a deep breath - closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his snout. If Bowser really did want to be better, he would have to take the first step. Kidnapping the denizens of at least a dozen kingdoms was a crime of passion, but it was still a crime (unfortunately). “You know what?"

"Fine, your little party gets to come along.”

And with those final words, Bowser reluctantly ascends into his temporary go-kart.Unfortunately Clown Crusher the Bullet Bill didn’t make it out of the castle, meaning that he would actually have to travel on the same level as everyone else. The king quickly notices that the Mushroom Heroes remained where they were - next to their cars as if to make a quick getaway in case he decided to change his mind. 

“What?” He snorts with a little fire. “Get to the starting line!”

“B-but I thought you weren’t racing…” Luigi remarked, tittering next to his dull green go-kart: emblazoned with the letter L. Other than that bit of detail, it looked unremarkably standard and dull - matching its owner. A breath of fresh air to all those ugly colors the others had.

“Well I changed my mind. Besides, how could I pass up a chance to show your brother and his posse who the real king of the track is?”

“Really? Trash talking so soon?" The other human interrupts. "I thought you were above that, your highness."

"Watch yourself before I leave you bruised a second time."

"Oh, so scary. You know, you're not so tough without an army behind you are you Bowser?"

"You don't want to find out."

For all Mario had done, Bowser was willing to admit that the runt had spirit. The red human pulled up on his right side, with a kart identical to his frankly more bearable brother: outside of being red instead of green and bearing an M (which must have stood for Moron) instead of an L (that one stood for Luigi).

As soon as Peach came to rest by his side, her bright pink motorcycle bringing back more than its share of bad memories, Bowser suddenly had the urge to look to his left. Luigi did not flinch at the eye contact, smirking with a playful competitiveness.

“J-just to clarify. Y-you made a mistake. My last name is not Plumber.”

“Oh?”

“It’s Winner.” Luigi cringed internally, masking it with a rev of his engine. “Luigi Winner.”

A pause. Bowser chuckled from the sheer stupidity of the joke rather than any inherent merit or humor. The plumber groaned, as if realizing too late how bad his attempt at humor was: hiding his flushed face within his gloved hands.

“Never speak to me like that again. My ears cannot take a second attack of that caliber.”

“I know. I know. Mario told me to say that - by the way.”

“Your brother is a moron, I expected nothing less.”

“Watch it.” Luigi shot back, revving the engine with a ferociousness that Bowser had grown to admire. “He just might beat you.”

“So what? I’ll get him next time then, maybe in a golf match or badminton or something.”

“W-wait, there’s going to be a next time?”

Glossing over the implications of what he had just said, Bowser pushed a button on his dashboard: his loud orchestral horn blaring over the din of their engines. Everyone looked around in confusion, and the king smiled as he heard the distant screech of wheels on pavement.

"Oh, I almost forgot."

“You aren’t the only one who brought an entourage.”

From the hills, eight pairs of headlights cut through the fog. Laughter erupted from above, fire and sparks of magic raining down from the vehicles barreling onto the Rainbow Road. As they practiced, the Koopalings dramatically encircled the wedding crashers - with Bowser at the center there was nowhere for them to run.

“Koopalings!” The proud father roars. “What are we here for?”

“VICTORY!”

Lemmy was a second too late and Wendy had once again been too busy on that damn phone, but Bowser let it slide. He was in a good mood today, a mood bolstered by the wide shocked faces of the Mushroom Morons and their pathethic looking karts. Only the finest for the royal children of the Dark Lands, the karts covered in an array of metallic spikes and neon paint done by Junior himself.

Even the Kongs were in awe as Morton revved his engine, his supersized monster of a kart towering over everything else. Weapons were raised, battle cries were called. Roy had everyone brought his full size replica of his favorite weapon: the Master Sword.

“AND WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

“NOW!"

"AND AT WHAT COST WILL WE HAVE IT?"

"NO PRICE TOO HIGH! EARN VICTORY OR DIE!"

At least, with a common enemy, the kids wouldn’t be fighting each other. Poor Kamek got a headache that last time all nine were home, family game nights had a tendency to go wildly out of hand. Especially when Bowser got involved, though he couldn’t think of why. A little competitive spirit never hurt anyone.

“Well, someone’s a family man.” Mario moved a little closer to the king’s kart, perhaps more worried about bumping into his kids than bumping into Bowser himself. “You sure these kids old enough to drive?”

“Hey! We’re old enough to kick your ass!”

“Junior! No swearing until we cross the finish line!”

A Latiku holding a stolen street light dropped down from the clouds, struggling to hold up the heavy artifact. Bowser didn’t want to remember his trip to the human world, but it was far from a fruitless endeavor. Iggy had a field day with all the ‘technology’ he and his troops had brought back.

“On your marks racers!”

“3!”

Bowser spares one last look at the plumber, and then to his children. Wendy was boredly reapplying her lipstick, Morton was cracking his arms and Junior was poking the back of Ludwig’s head with his brush. The twins were sharing one kart and making it everyone’s problem, throwing stink-eyes and farts towards the pair of Kongs: despite the apes being twice their size.

“2!”

Ah fuck it.

The Lakitu is sent spinning in the air as Bowser rockets forward, roaring and laughing all the way. His children follow suit - cackling like a flock of angry seagulls. Mario huffed at the dirty trick, before revving his engines and blasting off in pursuit. His brother was slower, distracted by the sight of a jovial up-beat Bowser. The true Bowser.

“Man, I knew he wasn’t all bad. Kind of dreamy actually.”

“Dreamy?"

His face turns red as he realizes Peach, his brother’s maybe girlfriend, was right next to him. Luigi coughs, fiddling with the steering wheel and forgetting how to drive.

“Luigi, Do you actually li-”

“NOTHING!ISAIDNOTHINGI-”

Masking his stammers, Luigi disappears into a green blur: leaving the heroes of the Mushroom Kingdom sharing an odd look. The Lakitu groaned as he slowly rose, only to be sent spinning a second time as the others rush past - Toad howling for war atop his comically large monster truck. 

“H-hey! I didn’t finish!”