Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Yoongi has barely had enough time to process what was told to him over the phone just moments ago when the knock on the door comes. With unsteady legs, he walks over and opens it. Outside stands two police officers, one of them is holding a small child in her arms. She silently hands over the bundle of blankets while her partner does the talking. Yoongi isn’t registering anything of what he’s saying, his head full of static. The officers quickly realize this and excuse themselves. Yoongi numbly shuts the door again. 

He sits down on the couch with the bundle still in his arms. The child – Hoseok – is barely a year old but still Yoongi can see so much of his brother in him. It makes tears spring to his eyes. He will never see his brother again. This child is the only remainder of him. Yoongi bites his lip hard to stop a sob from escaping. Hoseok is sleeping and Yoongi doesn’t want to wake him, doesn’t have the emotional or mental capacity to care for a crying child right now. Or in general. 

This couldn’t have happened at a worse time in his life. 

He wants to scream at his brother for doing this to him. How could he? How could he just disappear from Yoongi’s life like that and leave Yoongi to care for his son? He isn’t capable of taking care of a child. What was he thinking, making Yoongi the one to get custody over his child if something were to happen to him? What was the universe doing, taking his brother away from him too early? 

Yoongi can’t keep the sobs in any longer but he tries to make them as quiet as he can. He sits there, cradling Hoseok’s small body in his arms, his tears falling onto the blanket wrapped around him. They don’t stop. He sits there for what feels like hours, silently sobbing.

At some point, he must have fallen asleep, because he wakes up to Jeongguk stroking his hair. He’s crouching in front of the couch – Yoongi doesn’t remember lying down. Hoseok is still cradled in his arms but now he’s awake, staring up at the two unfamiliar faces in front of him. Yoongi has only met Hoseok a couple of times before, but he’s still so young that it’s not surprising that he doesn’t remember Yoongi. 

Jeongguk has a strange look on his face as he eyes the child hesitantly. His hand is still stroking Yoongi’s hair and Yoongi revels in the feeling a little longer. 

“Hey.” His voice is hoarse from all the crying. His face feels swollen, too. He probably looks a mess. 

Jeongguk shifts his gaze to look at Yoongi and smiles, his expression softening. 

“Hey, yourself. What’s going on?” 

Yoongi shifts so he’s sitting up on the couch and Jeongguk sits down beside him. His hand finds its way back to Yoongi’s hair and he plays with the short hairs at the base of his neck. Yoongi takes as much comfort from him as he can as he looks down at Hoseok. His wide eyes look back at him. Those eyes, they’re his brother’s. A lump forms in his throat and he swallows past it with difficulty. Yoongi offers him his finger to hold and Hoseok grabs onto it with surprising strength. 

“Hyung?”

Yoongi clears his throat and blinks back the tears. His eyes feel crusty from his earlier crying session and his cheeks are stiff from the dried tears. “This is Hoseok, I think I’ve told you about him.”

“Yeah, he’s your brother’s kid. Why is he here?” There’s worry in his voice. He can probably tell from Yoongi’s state that something is wrong. 

Yoongi swallows thickly. “My brother, he’s–“ He can’t say it. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

“Oh, hyung,” Jeongguk says and his voice breaks. He pieced it together by himself. Good, then maybe Yoongi never has to say it out loud. Jeongguk brings his arms around him in a sideways hug. “I’m so sorry.”

They stay like that for a while, until Hoseok starts getting fussy in Yoongi’s arms. Yoongi is suddenly made aware that Hoseok is a living human being with human needs such as feeding and changing. He doesn’t have the money for that. How is he supposed to care for a child as a trainee?

“Hyung.” Jeongguk is looking down at Hoseok with a frown. “What are you going to do?”

The question is pretty vague but Yoongi thinks he can guess what Jeongguk means: what are you going to do with the child?

Yoongi sighs, the weight of the world settling on his shoulders. “I don’t know.”

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

As it turns out, caring for a barely one-year-old child who’s just lost his parents is harder than Yoongi could’ve ever anticipated, and he anticipated that it would be hard. Hoseok is constantly fussing, never satisfied with anything Yoongi does for him or gives him. He throws his food on the floor, throws a tantrum every time Yoongi changes his diaper – which makes a horrible task that much worse – and he never wants to sleep through the night. 

Yoongi is running on a maximum of two hours of sleep every night and his patience is getting thin. 

He told the company his situation and they told him that if he wants to stay on as a trainee he needs to make sure to handle the situation and show up to practice. Yoongi isn’t sure what they meant by that, but they gave him a week to figure it out. 

Jeongguk isn’t much help in taking care of Hoseok, but Yoongi wasn’t expecting him to be. This is Yoongi’s situation to deal with, after all. He can’t just expect Jeongguk to step up and become Hoseok’s second care-giver, especially since he is a trainee himself. 

Yoongi spends the week the company gave him deep in thought and, at the same time, doing everything he can do to keep Hoseok satisfied, well fed and happy. The last point is the hardest to attain. Hoseok clearly misses his parents. Yoongi understands, he misses them too. But he can’t just tell Hoseok about the accident, he’s too young to understand the concept of death. 

Some nights he lays awake wondering if it wouldn’t be easier to just give Hoseok up. He could call an orphanage or social services or something. He could give him up and go back to being a trainee. He’s so close to achieving his dream, why would he stop now? But then he looks at Hoseok, sees those big familiar eyes, the smile – on the rare occasion Yoongi manages to get one from him – that resembles his mother’s so much. The small dimples poking into his cheeks whenever he purses his mouth. Everything he is is a combination of two of Yoongi’s favorite people and if he gives that up, he might as well forget them completely. 

One day, toward the end of the week, Yoongi caves completely. 

He is at the table sitting beside Hoseok who is in his high chair. Someone in the building had donated it along with a few other things when they heard about his situation and Yoongi will forever be grateful to them. 

It’s lunchtime and Yoongi is trying to get Hoseok to eat. Feeding time is always something Yoongi dreads because more often than not over the past week, the food has ended up on the floor instead of in Hoseok’s mouth. But today seems to be different. 

He scoops up some of the canned baby food he’s suddenly found himself in need of on a spoon and flies it through the air towards Hoseok’s mouth. He makes accompanying airplane noises because that’s what he’s read on the internet that babies like and he’s desperate. Hoseok giggles and opens his mouth for Yoongi to place the spoon on his tongue. Well, that’s a first. Hoseok closes his mouth around the spoon and when Yoongi pulls it out, it’s empty. Hoseok swallows his mouthful and opens his mouth again, asking for more. 

Yoongi stares in disbelief, not daring to celebrate too early in case he jinxes it. He obliges and gives Hoseok another spoonful. And so it goes until the plate is empty. Yoongi sits back in his chair and marvels at the breakthrough. Hoseok lifts his arms toward Yoongi, asking to be taken out of his chair. Yoongi does, cleaning him off and then walking with him to the living room. He’s accumulated a few second-hand toys for Hoseok to play with and he goes to set him down among them. But Hoseok clings to him, refusing to be put down. 

Perplexed, Yoongi keeps his hold on him. Hoseok circles his small arms around Yoongi’s neck and hugs him, pressing his nose against the side of his neck. Yoongi carefully sits down on the couch with him. His small puffs of breath hits Yoongi on the neck and it tickles but he doesn’t dare move, fearing it will cause a breakdown. He’s falling asleep against Yoongi’s shoulder. 

“Yoyo.”

Yoongi barely dares to breathe. Did he hear that right? Did Hoseok just call him Yoyo? He must have heard Jeongguk saying his name – which hasn’t been a lot lately since Yoongi has barely seen Jeongguk at home all week, which says a lot since Yoongi hasn’t left home all week. 

“What did you just say?” He doubts Hoseok understands what he’s saying but he has to ask anyway. All he gets in response is Hoseok’s even breathing as he falls asleep. 

There’s no way he’ll be able to give him up now. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

Yoongi takes the first chance he gets when he sees Jeongguk at their dorm. He’s barely been home at all, just coming by quickly to shower or change or eat. Yoongi doesn’t know where he’s been and he doesn't appreciate the silent treatment. None of this is his fault. 

“Hey, can we talk?” he says when Jeongguk walks into their tiny kitchen. He came home a while ago to take a shower and change clothes, and Yoongi anticipated he would grab food too so he’s been in the kitchen waiting. 

“Sure, what’s up?” Jeongguk opens the cupboard and takes out a cup of ramen, then turns on the kettle to boil some water. 

“It’s important, will you sit down, please?”

“Give me a moment.” Jeongguk doesn’t look at him. He finishes making his ramen and sits down in front of Yoongi. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I think you know,” Yoongi says, giving him a look. 

Jeongguk sighs, putting down his chopsticks. “Alright, let’s talk about it.”

“Can you please be mature about this?” Yoongi asks but it was the wrong thing to say. 

Jeongguk scoffs. “What, like I’ve been acting childish?”

“Yes, actually, you have been,” Yoongi snaps. He’s already losing his patience and that is something he never does. But this past week has really worn him down, both mentally and physically. He doesn’t have much left in him. 

Scoffing a second time, Jeongguk looks away and scowls at the wall. 

“Just say it.”

Jeongguk looks back at him, eyebrows still furrowed. “What?”

“I know you have things you want to say to me, so just say them. Let’s get it all out now.”

There’s a pause where Jeongguk looks around. “Where is he?”

Yoongi knows that he knows Hoseok’s name, but doesn’t bother commenting on it. “He’s sleeping, so keep your voice down.”

Jeongguk looks at Yoongi for a moment. Yoongi looks back, no matter how intense Jeongguk’s gaze is, how fire-y hot with anger it is. This isn’t the Jeongguk he knows. He wonders where he went wrong. 

“You’re not keeping him are you? You said the company gave you a week. I assume they meant for you to get rid of him.”

Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat. That’s heartless. “What the fuck, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen when he realizes how Yoongi took what he said. “No, wait. I meant, like, give him up or something. Give him away. Whatever. Not, you know, kill him.”

He whispers the last two worlds like they shouldn’t be said out loud, and they shouldn’t. Yoongi’s heartbeat slows down somewhat, but what Jeongguk actually meant isn’t much better. 

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Jeongguk nods to show he’s listening. Yoongi is a little scared to deliver the news. He has a feeling Jeongguk won’t take it well. “I’m not giving him up.”

“What do you mean?” Jeongguk frowns like he actually doesn’t understand the words Yoongi just said. 

“He’s my family, Jeongguk. I can’t just give him away. Who knows where he’ll end up? What if some horrible people get him? I don’t want him to grow up in a bad household.”

“And you think you’ll be able to provide him the household he deserves to grow up in?” Jeongguk sounds skeptical and Yoongi can understand where he’s coming from. 

Yoongi isn’t exactly in the best situation to care for a child, financially. Which is why he needs to find a job as soon as possible lest he ends up having Hoseok taken from him anyway because he can’t take care of him. 

“Yes,” Yoongi answers, determined, because he needs Jeongguk to see that he’s serious about this.

Jeongguk stares at him in disbelief. His ramen sits in its cup in front of him on the table, soggy and abandoned. 

“Believe me,” Yoongi continues, “this decision was not easy for me. I’ve agonized over it for an entire week while you were off doing whatever.”

“For your information, I was at practice. Where you should’ve been. You’ve missed a lot. You’ll need to work twice as hard to catch up.”

“Why are you lecturing me like you’re my teacher?” Yoongi fires back. Then he shakes his head. “That’s not important. Jeongguk, I’m not going back.”

“What? Why not?”

Yoongi leans back in his chair and frowns at Jeongguk. Why isn’t it clicking for him? Must Yoongi spell it out for him to understand? 

“Jeongguk… I can’t possibly take care of a child and be a trainee at the same time.”

“So, what,” Jeongguk says slowly. “You’re quitting?”

Yoongi nods. It hurts to admit, especially to Jeongguk. They’ve been through so much together to get to where they are and now Yoongi is just going to throw it all away? He hopes he’ll be able to forgive himself for this one day. He also hopes – desperately – that Jeongguk will forgive him too. 

“You can’t be serious. You’re really gonna give up your dream that easily? Our dream?” 

This decision has been anything but easy for Yoongi. If only Jeongguk knew of the many sleepless nights where Yoongi would sit awake and think. Go over every possible scenario ten times in his head to find a way to make this work. Every single one led to the same outcome; he knew he had to make a choice. And that choice was probably the hardest thing Yoongi has ever done. Just last night he cried himself to sleep, mourning what he knows will never come true. 

But he’s doing it for Hoseok, and that in itself is some comfort. It has to be, or Yoongi doesn’t know how he’ll manage. 

“Things change, Jeongguk. Sometimes life changes and you’ll have to make the best of the situation.” Yoongi is trying to be reasonable. He’s spent a week arguing with himself over this. He doesn’t want to argue with Jeongguk, even though this whole conversation has been one big argument. 

“Bullshit,” Jeongguk spits. His eyes get a glassy look to them, shining brighter than usual under the shitty light in their kitchen. “That is such fucking bullshit. You’re just using this as an excuse, aren’t you? You don’t want to do this anymore and saw the perfect opportunity for an out when that child got dropped on you.”

Now he’s just being childish and bitter, and throwing baseless accusations at Yoongi. Yoongi fights to hold his tongue. Would prefer if this doesn’t turn into a screaming match. 

“Why do you think that?” He tries hard to keep his voice level. 

“Stop it. Stop trying to be kind with me right now, acting as if you give a shit about what I think,” Jeongguk says harshly, but still his voice wavers ever so slightly.

This is getting out of hand quickly. Yoongi isn’t sure what to do or say to calm Jeongguk.

“I do give a shit about what you think. Jeongguk, you’re the most important person to me. Please, you know how hard this is for me.”

Jeongguk is full-on crying now. Big tears roll down his flushed cheeks. Yoongi aches to reach out and wipe them away, to hold Jeongguk close to him, comfort him. Something tells him Jeongguk would push him away if he tried. 

“If I was the most important person to you, then you wouldn’t do this to me,” Jeongguk sobs. 

“Do what?” Yoongi keeps his voice gentle but that only seems to agitate Jeongguk more. 

“Leave me! You’re leaving me.”

Yoongi’s heart drops to his stomach. So that’s why he’s getting so defensive; he thinks Yoongi is breaking up with him. 

“I’m not leaving you, Jeonggukie. I would never leave you. Just because I’m quitting being a trainee does not mean I’m breaking up with you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Yoongi is starting to feel a little desperate. He didn’t anticipate this to be the direction their conversation would take when he started it. Tears prick at his own eyes. He isn’t entirely sure how to get out of this situation. 

“I love you, Jeonggukie. Please.” He’s begging now but he can’t even care. 

“If you love me then prove it by giving Hoseok up.”

Yoongi can’t even be happy that Jeongguk used Hoseok’s name. What he said makes bile rise in Yoongi’s throat. He covers his mouth with his hand and looks at Jeongguk through his tears. 

“Don’t do that. Please, Jeongguk. Don’t.”

“You said it yourself: you made a decision to quit training. Now make another one.” He wipes his tears harshly with the back of his hand, glaring at Yoongi.

He’s completely serious. That’s what gets to Yoongi the most. He’s completely serious in wanting Yoongi to choose between himself and Hoseok. One person he’s known since he was a child himself and loves so dearly, and, the other, someone he’s just bonded with and can see himself raising. It’s not fair. 

“That’s not fair,” he mumbles, barely finding his voice to get the words out. 

Jeongguk stands up suddenly, his chair screeching against the floor, and Yoongi flinches. “Do you think this is easy for me? Huh? Hearing you saying all that shit about quitting your fucking dream for a child you’ve known for a week. Like are you even listening to yourself right now? Do you know how ridiculous you sound?”

His voice raises with each question he lays on Yoongi and Yoongi loses it. He stands up to match Jeongguk, leaning his hands on the surface of the table and looking straight at him. 

“Well, if you would just stop for one second and actually think about my situation, maybe you would understand. But no, all you’ve cared about the past week is practice. You’ve barely been home and when you are you don’t even spare me a look. It’s like I’ve been invisible to you. Do you hate me that much for taking in a child? And not just any child, mind you, but my nephew! Because my brother fucking died and left me to take care of his child. Do you know how much I’m hurting? I’ve barely had any time to grieve because I’ve been too busy trying to keep a small child alive and where have you been? Not fucking here!”

He screams the last part, letting out all his frustrations that have built up over the past week. It felt good to get all that out. He takes a step back, panting from barely taking a breath during the entire duration of his spiel. 

Jeongguk stands back, staring at him in shock. Yoongi isn’t the type of person to raise his voice, especially toward the people he loves, so, the fact that he spent an entire minute yelling at Jeongguk, understandably calls for shock. 

Then the floodgates open and Jeongguk falls to the floor sobbing. 

“I’m sorry. Hyung, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry..” 

He keeps repeating this, over and over. But Yoongi is tired, and it’s not a physical tiredness. It sits deep in his bones, squeezing his lungs and weighing down his body. He walks right past Jeongguk and in the direction of his room, where Hoseok is. At some point during all the yelling, he woke up and started screaming his small head off. Yoongi goes to him and sits down on the bed. Hoseok has been sleeping on the bed with Yoongi since he can’t afford a crib, and Jeongguk hasn’t been sleeping here all week anyway. To make sure Hoseok doesn’t fall off the bed, he stuffed pillows and blankets under the mattress on the side Hoseok sleeps on. 

Now, Yoongi climbs over the makeshift edge to get to Hoseok. He scoops him up in his arms and holds him tight against his chest. Hoseok clings to his shirt for dear life, his screams turning into sobs and then slowly into hiccups. Yoongi lets his own tears fall free, sobbing into Hoseok’s hair. 

Everything hurts so bad, he falls apart a little more with each sob. 

When he walks out into the living area a while later, Hoseok still in his arms, the apartment is empty. Jeongguk is gone. 

Chapter Text

”Hoseok-ah! Don’t run inside the store.”

Yoongi sighs as he follows the sound of his son’s laughter into the next aisle. Yoongi can’t even be mad at him. So what they’re inside a store? He’s having fun. In the next aisle, he finds him sitting on the ground. He must have fallen over and Yoongi is internally grateful that Hoseok is too old to start crying at every minor injury or inconvenience. He walks up to him and bends to help him up to his feet.

“What did I say about running, huh? You have to be careful.” 

But Hoseok isn’t listening to him, he’s staring at something over Yoongi’s shoulder with wide eyes. That’s when Yoongi realizes they’re not alone in the aisle. Another person is standing over Hoseok. Yoongi turns to apologize to them in case Hoseok caused trouble, or maybe he ran into this person and that’s why he fell over. But the words get caught in his throat when he comes face to face with the person and sees who it is.

They’re wearing a mask that covers half their face but Yoongi would recognize those eyes anywhere. He seems equally shocked to see Yoongi and they stare at each other for a long moment, neither saying anything. Slowly, he lowers his mask. 

It’s Hoseok who breaks the silence. He tugs at Yoongi’s sleeve to get his attention, still staring at the stranger with wide eyes. “Appa,” he whispers, or whispers as well as a six-year old can. “Appa, it’s Jeon Jeongguk.”

Yoongi is very aware who the person standing in front of him is, and, up until a few seconds ago, he never expected to see him again (and seeing him on TV doesn’t count, Yoongi reasons). Jeongguk snaps his gaze to Hoseok as if just now remembering he’s still there, and Hoseok hides behind Yoongi at getting Jeongguk’s attention on him. 

Jeongguk glances at Yoongi one more time before he crouches down to be at eye-level with Hoseok. He smiles at him. “Hi, that was quite the fall you took. Are you okay?”

Hoseok nods shyly, most of his face hidden in Yoongi’s pants. Yoongi smiles fondly and ruffles his hair, then he focuses back on Jeongguk. 

Jeongguk stands up again and meets Yoongi’s eyes. “Hi, hyung.”

Yoongi can’t help but smile. He hasn’t heard that voice refer to him as such in a long time. “Hi, Jeongguk.”

Hoseok once again makes his presence known by tugging on Yoongi’s pant leg. “Appa, can we ask for his autograph?”

Jeongguk smiles. “You’re a fan of my music?” When Hoseok gives a timid nod, Jeongguk’s smile widens. 

Yoongi hasn’t seen that smile in just as long and he has to admit to himself that he’s missed it. He hasn’t allowed himself to miss Jeongguk over the years, feeling he had no right to do so, but seeing him like this in person brings back memories Yoongi was all too willing to forget. 

“Of course you can have an autograph.” He pauses and looks at Yoongi. “Um, you don’t happen to have a piece of paper and a pen, do you?” he asks sheepishly. Yoongi quickly rips off a clean corner from his shopping list and hands him the pen he always brings with him while shopping. 

“What’s your name?” he asks kindly and Hoseok looks up at Yoongi. Yoongi smiles at him and urges him to answer with a nod. At the same time, something inside him breaks a little, and he wonders if Jeongguk had actually forgotten Hoseok’s name. That shouldn’t make him as disappointed as it does.

“Hoseok.”

“Hoseok! That’s a nice name.” Hoseok burrows deeper into Yoongi’s pant leg. Jeongguk scribbles a message on the piece of paper then hands it to Hoseok. “You know, I don’t normally give out autographs but this is a special occasion.”

Hoseok gasps and comes out from behind Yoongi to take the offered slip of paper. He uses both hands to take it from Jeongguk but he’s still forgetting something so Yoongi pokes him in the side lightly to remind him.

“What do you say to Jeongguk, who was kind enough to give you his autograph even when he isn’t supposed to?”

“Ah!” Hoseok hurries to bend at the waist in a perfect ninety-degree bow. “Thank you so much, Jeon Jeongguk-ssi.”

“You’re welcome.” Jeongguk chuckles and ruffles Hoseok’s hair – Hoseok’s face turns a dark shade of pink and he scurries back to his hiding place behind Yoongi’s legs – then he looks back at Yoongi and now there are no distractions since Hoseok is too busy admiring Jeongguk’s signature on the piece of paper in his hands. 

“How have you been?” Yoongi asks because he’s seeing him for the first time in five years, he’d like to make the most of this conversation. Who knows if he’ll ever see him again after this. 

“Ah, you know, busy.”

“Yeah, you debuted. That must feel amazing, to finally have achieved your dream.” Yoongi is proud of him. No matter what happened between them, it would never lessen Yoongi’s admiration for Jeongguk as an artist. He’s always known he has talent and now he’s able to show the world. 

Jeongguk rubs the back of his neck and looks down, a small smile on his lips. “What about you, hyung?” He glances at Hoseok before looking back at Yoongi. 

Yoongi doesn’t know what he’s thinking right now, his expression indiscernible. Or maybe that’s just the years apart causing him to forget and lose everything including his ability to read Jeongguk like an open book.

“We’re good. Nothing to complain about.”

Jeongguk looks back at Hoseok. “He’s gotten big. The last time I saw him he fit in your arms perfectly.”

Yoongi’s heart aches and he realizes he can’t do this. He’s not ready to face his past. He thought he was. Thought enough time had passed and that that time had healed all his wounds, but he was wrong. He can see it on Jeongguk’s face too, that he is thinking of the past. All that could’ve been and all that they lost. 

He clears his throat and grabs Hoseok’s hand, if only to have something to ground himself to. “We should continue our shopping and I’m sure you want to do that, too.”

Yoongi thinks he might be imagining the disappointment flashing over Jeongguk’s face when he ends their conversation so suddenly, but then he’s smiling again and waving bye. 

“It was nice to meet you, Hoseok.” 

He looks back at Yoongi with one last soft smile then he turns and disappears into the next aisle. Yoongi stands rooted to the spot and stares after him for a few more seconds until Hoseok tugging on his hand with all his strength brings him out of his thoughts and into the present again. 

In the car on the way home Hoseok talks a mile a minute about his encounter with Jeon Jeongguk as if Yoongi hadn’t been there to witness everything. Yoongi entertains him either way, loves to see Hoseok so happy. He refuses to let go of the slip of paper with Jeongguk’s message on it for the rest of the day and even brings it to bed with him. Yoongi tries to reason with him to leave it on his desk, it will become all crumpled up and maybe even tear if Hoseok sleeps with it. But Hoseok doesn’t budge so Yoongi has no choice but to tuck the piece of paper under the covers beside him. 

Besides, who is he to say no to his son?

After saying goodnight, he turns off the light and silently closes the door to Hoseok’s room, then makes a beeline for the kitchen. Specifically, the cupboard above the fridge where he stores his alcohol. He doesn’t indulge in a glass often, but sometimes it’s nice to sit down with a glass of wine to unwind. Besides, today is friday and he doesn’t have to wake up to go to work tomorrow. But that’s just an excuse. 

He opens a bottle and pours a healthy amount in a glass, and sits down on the couch. Some reality cooking show is on TV but he isn’t paying much attention. Today was interesting to say the least. He never expected to randomly run into Jeongguk like that. Sure, they live in the same city, but since five years back they haven’t been living the same lives. 

He takes a big swig of wine. On the TV screen the chef is yelling at the contestants and one of them bursts into tears. It strangely reminds Yoongi of his old life. When all he knew was stress and sleepless nights and how the pressure put on him, both by himself and those around him, was unbearable at points. He wishes sometimes that it could’ve been worth it. There was something he was working for but he never got a chance to see it through. At the same time, he wouldn’t change a thing. 

He wouldn’t change a thing because he loves his life now. He doesn’t know if he would’ve loved his other life had he gotten a chance to live it because he never did. There isn’t anything to miss from it. Except missed opportunities, he supposes. 

No, there is one thing he misses from that time but he hasn’t allowed himself to think about it. Until today. But he won’t entertain those thoughts for long, he can’t afford to get caught up in the past when the present is so important to him. Sure, he has regrets and he wishes things would have happened differently but then he wouldn’t be a dad. He wouldn’t get to witness the wonders of watching his own child grow up and discover the world. 

He empties the glass. At this rate he should just bring the entire bottle. Standing up with a grunt, he goes into the kitchen to refill the glass. After only a moment's hesitation, he brings the bottle with him. With a refilled glass, he sits back on the couch to space out in front of the show. It’s entertaining, in a ‘this is the only thing on right now that isn’t mind-numbingly boring’ kind of way. Yoongi thinks Hoseok would enjoy it. He likes to cook, always wants to help Yoongi with dinner. And he’s a natural at it too. When he’s a little older Yoongi should let him put his own twist to dishes. 

The next day, Yoongi is lucky to not wake up with a headache. He’s also lucky past-him thought to hide the evidence of last night’s solo wine party, from himself but also from Hoseok’s ever-curious gaze. 

Hoseok is overflowing with excited energy all day, as he always is on Saturdays, since Saturdays means family night. Their weekly get-togethers have become Yoongi’s – and Hoseok’s – favorite time of the week. He looks forward to the weekend, when he and Hoseok go over for a play-date (in Hoseok’s case) and a catch-up (in Yoongi’s case). 

It’s a tradition Yoongi and his friends started basically the moment they met five years ago. He met Seokjin first, when he was new at the office and having no idea what he was actually doing in the corporate working world. But it wasn’t like he had a lot of choices back then. He had a child to care for and the entertainment world was too unstable, he might never be able to make a living off of selling his songs. Besides, he gave that up when he got Hoseok. 

Seokjin was his savior at the office, showing him the ropes and quickly weaseling his way into Yoongi’s life, becoming one of his best friends. He introduced Yoongi to Namjoon shortly after having proclaimed Yoongi as his best friend. And best friends they became. Yoongi isn’t entirely sure he would’ve survived the last few years as a single dad without the support of his friends. 

They’re currently in the kitchen preparing dinner. On today’s menu is homemade pizza and Yoongi watches fondly as Hoseok, Jimin and Taehyung have fun playing with the dough instead of making it into the shape of a pizza. 

“It’s squishy!” Taehyung exclaims, squeezing the dough between his fingers. 

Namjoon chuckles as he comes up behind him to remove the dough sticking to his small fingers. “Yes, but we’re supposed to be making pizza. Like this, see? We have to roll it out into a big circle.”

All three of them ooh and aah as they watch Namjoon demonstrate how to roll the dough into a pizza. Yoongi decides to be useful and tells the children to choose what toppings they want. Three small but loud voices start talking over each other, screaming about what toppings they want on their pizza. Yoongi leaves that to Seokjin to deal with who is currently cutting up ingredients, and goes to help Namjoon with the dough. 

“How’s the promotion treating you?” 

Namjoon spreads his rolled out circle of dough onto a pan to be put in the oven. “Good. Very good. You know how long I’ve wanted this. The raise is just a bonus.” He smiles cheekily and Yoongi rolls his eyes. 

“Joonie here is well on his way to making partner at this rate.” Seokjin comes up behind his husband, snaking his arms around his waist. 

Namjoon huffs. “There’s a long way to go if I ever want to make partner. Besides, I don’t even know if that is what I want.”

Yoongi is about to respond when he realizes what Seokjin being here and not by the vegetables means. “Tell me you didn’t leave the children alone with the knife.”

“Please, who do you think I am?” Seokjin says indignantly. “Obviously I put it away.”

Yoongi turns back to Namjoon. “What do you mean you don’t want to become partner? How long haven’t you been working for this firm now?”

“I’m just saying, maybe one day I’ll want to try something different. Then I wouldn't want to feel completely tied down.” Namjoon shrugs, poking at a part of the dough that’s slightly sticking out from the circle.

“You don’t want to be a lawyer anymore?” Yoongi asks, frowning.

“I’m not saying right now. Just, maybe one day? Ah, hyung, you know how much I love my job but I also have to think of the future you know?”

“Thinking of the future would mean making steps to become partner, no?”

Seokjin cuts in before their conversation has a chance to get heated. “Alright, what do you say we get these pizzas in the oven before the kids start getting hangry. Or the adults,” he adds, side-eyeing both Yoongi and Namjoon. 

Both of them sheepishly look away, concentrating once again on the dough. Once the pizzas are done and out of the oven, they sit down at the table to eat. 

“Daddy! Cut faster!” Jimin urges Namjoon, banging his hands against the table. “I’m hungry!”

“Aish, calm down. I’m going as fast as I can.”

Yoongi laughs as he himself cuts up Hoseok’s pizza to make it easier to eat. Once he’s done he slides the plate over to him and starts cutting his own. 

“Oh! Appa!” Hoseok has his first slice of pizza hanging from his hand, the toppings dangerously close to falling off. Yoongi reaches over and saves them. 

“Yes, Hobi?”

“Tell uncle Jin and uncle Joon about how we met Jeon Jeongguk!”

Immediately, the sound of coughing reaches his ears and he looks up to see both his friends choking on their food. Even Jimin and Taehyung are looking at him with wide eyes. There’s not a single person in all of South Korea who doesn’t know who idol Jeon Jeongguk is and Yoongi is painfully reminded of that now. 

“You met Jeon Jeongguk?! When? Where?” Seokjin asks, leaning forward on the table, pizza abandoned. 

Yoongi sighs, but Hoseok beats him to answering. “Yesterday, at the supermarket. He gave me his autograph!”

Taehyung and Jimin scramble out of their seats as Hoseok pulls out the crumpled piece of paper with Jeongguk’s message on it from his pocket that he’s been carrying with him everywhere he goes. While he shows it to his friends, Yoongi looks back at his own. They have matching looks of shock and incredulity on their faces as they wait for Yoongi to elaborate. Yoongi sighs again. 

“We bumped into him, Hoseok literally did. Ran straight into him.”

“He’s very pretty,” Hoseok adds, stuffing his piece of paper back in his pocket. Jimin and Taehyung return to their seats and resume eating their by-now cold pizza. 

“He’s the most prettiest person in the whole world,” Jimin agrees in a loud voice. 

Namjoon distractedly tells him to use his inside voice then looks back at Yoongi. “So, what? He’s giving out autographs now? Didn’t think idols did that.”

“They don’t,” Yoongi simply says. He doesn’t want to say too much. His friends don’t know who Jeongguk is to him, and it would be too risky if they found out. 

“He said it was a special situation,” Hoseok beams and Yoongi looks down at his plate, defeated. How is he going to explain himself out of this one?

Before he can even open his mouth, he’s saved from answering. Taehyung starts whining about the crust on his pizza and Jimin starts going on about how he hopes to one day be like Jeongguk, and both their parents are successfully distracted. Seokjin reaches over to cut the crust off Taehyung’s slices and Namjoon asks Jimin questions about what he thinks being an idol would be like. 

Yoongi turns back to his own food as if nothing happened and hopes Namjoon and Seokjin forget about it. 

His wishes were not heard because a while later, when the kids are in Jimin’s and Taehyung’s room playing and the adults are cleaning up the kitchen, Seokjin says, “Explain.” 

Or, more like, demands. 

Yoongi is confused about what he’s talking about until Seokjin elaborates. “Jeon Jeongguk? You really met him?” 

“Yes, we really did.”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe it. We haven’t even been able to see him in concert and you meet him in the supermarket?” Namjoon complains as he stacks dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Yoongi hands him another one. 

“Well…” He isn’t entirely sure what to say. “I guess it was just luck? He’s just a regular person like you and I, obviously he’d need to go shopping for food sometimes.”

“Obviously we know that, but that doesn’t stop us from being jealous.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes. He forgets sometimes just how much of hardcore fans his friends are. But he can’t blame them, knows exactly how talented Jeongguk is. Now, he doesn’t make a habit of listening to his music often but, when he does, it only further proves what he already knows.

“He will be going on tour soon. We need to try to get tickets when they go on sale,” Seokjin says, coming back from having wiped down the dinner table. 

“Would our kids be too young to go?” Namjoon wonders.

Seokjin shrugs. “What if we don’t care? Unless the show has an age limit. We can always get ear defenders for them so the sound volume isn’t so damaging for their ears.”

“How many tickets would we be able to afford? We’d need six at the very least.”

“We’ll just have to start saving up for it now already.”

Yoongi stopped paying attention to them a while ago, but what Namjoon said catches his ear. Six tickets? The last time Yoongi checked, they were four in their family. But maybe they have friends Yoongi doesn’t know about that are fans of Jeongguk as well. Or maybe Namjoon is just bad at math. 

Either way, “Six?”

Namjoon and Seokjin pause in their discussion about the logistics of attending a concert with small children to look at him. 

“Me, Jin, Tae, Jimin, Hobi, you.” Namjoon counts off on his fingers. “Six.”

Huh. They’re expecting him to go to a Jeon Jeongguk concert with them. Both of them go back to their conversation as if Yoongi never interrupted them while Yoongi gets stuck in his thoughts. 

Since Jeongguk debuted a couple of years ago and proceeded to take the world by storm, Yoongi knew there was no way for him to avoid him. He is on billboards all the time. They play his music on the radio constantly. It’s enough that Yoongi has to listen to Hoseok talk about him at home. But to go to his concert? Yoongi isn’t so sure about that. But then again, he met Jeongguk face to face yesterday and that went just fine. 

Seokjin and Namjoon finish up in the kitchen but Yoongi doesn’t notice, so when they turn off the light when leaving the room, Yoongi gets left in the dark. Seokjin pauses in the door. 

“You coming? Yoongi?”

Yoongi startles into action and follows him out of the room. They settle on the couch and moments later Taehyung joins them. He climbs into Namjoon’s lap, mumbling about how tired he is. Namjoon hugs him to his chest and kisses the top of his head. Yoongi is reminded of the time and realizes they should get going. Just then, Hoseok and Jimin come into the living room. 

Hoseok comes over to him and drapes himself over Yoongi’s lap. Yoongi lays a hand on his back. “Are we going home soon, appa?”

Yoongi hums. “You done playing for today?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then, let’s go home.”

They say goodnight to their friends and head home. When Hoseok has been tucked into his bed and Yoongi is slipping into his own, his mind is caught on one thing. He probably isn’t getting much sleep tonight.

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

“I told teacher Lee about meeting Jeongguk and getting his autograph and she said I have a very active imagination.”

Yoongi glances in the rear view mirror to see Hoseok in his car seat sulking, his bottom lip jutting out in a big pout. The sight is too cute not to coo over but Yoongi manages to hold it in just because of what he said. If you don’t believe what a child tells you, then why don’t you at least play along? If only to not upset them? Why would anyone want to upset a child? Yoongi shakes his head at himself; he can’t get angry right now, he needs to comfort his son. 

“I’m sorry, buddy. That was mean of her.” 

“I wanna meet him again, and this time take a picture with him to show everyone I actually met him!” Hoseok straightens in his seat, eyes sparkling. Yoongi doesn’t want to immediately crush his hope, but also doesn’t want Hoseok to think he’ll be able to see Jeongguk just anywhere. The run-in at the supermarket was a one-time thing. 

“I bet you do. But, you know, he’s very busy and you might not get another chance. I don’t want you to get your hopes up, okay?”

Hoseok deflates again and Yoongi feels bad. He hates saying no to him. If Yoongi could decide, he would make sure Hoseok gets the chance to meet Jeongguk as many times as he wants. A thought hits him then: he still has Jeongguk’s number. 

But that would be a long shot. He’s probably changed his number. And besides, it would be weird for Yoongi to call him up randomly after so long. Still, he glances at his phone in the center-console cup holder. But what would he even say? There is nothing he could say to him. 

They’re home before Yoongi knows it and he realizes he zoned out while driving. How very irresponsible of him. And all because of a guy. But he’s not just any guy to Yoongi. He wants to roll his eyes at himself for getting so caught up in his head about his ex so much the past few days. What’s wrong with him? Instead he gets out of the car and helps Hoseok out of his seat. 

“What are we having for dinner tonight?” Hoseok asks in the elevator, holding tight to Yoongi’s hand. 

Yoongi hums, contemplating. “Uncle Jin sent me a new recipe to try. You want to do that tonight? You can help me if you want.”

“Yes!” He even pumps his fist in the air as if celebrating a victory, and Yoongi smiles. It seems he has forgotten all about their conversation in the car and Yoongi is glad.

As soon as he opens the door to their apartment, Hoseok rushes in, throwing his shoes to the side and forgoing his inside slippers in favor of getting inside as quickly as possible. Yoongi doesn’t know what the rush is about, nor where Hoseok gets his unlimited energy from. 

“Make sure to wash your hands,” he calls after him, then goes into the apartment slower, making sure to put his shoes away properly. He’s feeling generous so he puts Hoseok’s shoes neatly beside his. He slips his feet into his slippers and sighs, right away feeling the tension of the day run off him. 

When he enters the kitchen, Hoseok is already there. He’s standing on his small step-stool that he uses whenever they cook together to be able to reach the counter, waiting for Yoongi and bouncing in excitement. Yoongi asks him if he washed his hands as he walks up to him and Hoseok shoves his hands in his face for him to sniff to show they’re clean. 

Yoongi laughs and gently lowers his arms after giving them a cursory sniff. “Alright, you ready to get started?”

“Mhm!” He nods enthusiastically. 

After bringing out the ingredients they’re using, Yoongi sets Hoseok to work cutting up the vegetables. Hoseok is familiar enough with using a knife after their many cooking sessions so Yoongi feels comfortable leaving him to it – after giving him one of the smaller knives and still keeping an eye on him from time to time. 

“Appa,” Hoseok says later, when they’re sitting at the table eating the food they cooked together. 

“Yes, baby?”

“Jimin and Taehyung told me at school how their dads said they’ll take them to a concert. A Jeon Jeongguk concert. And they also said we can come. We can, right appa?”

Yoongi sighs. Of course what Seokjin and Namjoon said would reach Hoseok’s ears eventually. He doesn’t want to make any promises he isn’t sure he will be able to keep. 

“Hobi, you know I love you very much and would do anything to make sure you’re happy, right?” Hoseok nods. Yoongi runs a hand through his hair and thinks for a moment how to continue. Hoseok looks at him with big sparkling eyes, like he’s expecting Yoongi to say yes, to promise to take him to the concert and Yoongi can’t do it; he can’t say no to him. He can’t break his heart like that. 

Aish, why did his son have to be such a big fan of him?

He sighs again. “When the time comes for tickets to go on sale, I'll try my best to buy some, okay? But I can’t promise I will get any since tickets to his shows are in such high demand, but I will try.” He hopes that’s enough for now. 

Hoseok jumps out of his seat and runs around the table to give him a hug. Yoongi pulls him into his lap and holds him against him. He’s almost getting too big for cuddles like this, but until Hoseok actively rejects them, Yoongi will keep cuddling him (and even after that, he will force his love on Hoseok even if he rejects it, nothing will stop him). 

“Alright, help appa clean up the kitchen then we can watch TV for a while until it’s sleep time.”

“Yay!” Hoseok clambers off his lap and quickly but carefully brings his plate and glass to the sink. Yoongi follows him with his own dishes, his mind suddenly far away. 

As he closes the door to Hoseok’s room later, his phone pings with a message. Thinking it’s probably just Seokjin or Namjoon, he ignores it while he goes to the kitchen to make himself some tea. It’s the middle of the week, the least he can do is wait until the weekend to have wine, he reasons with himself. 

Sitting down on the couch with his cup of tea, he finally takes out his phone to check the notification, then proceeds to almost drop it when he sees the name on his screen. He puts his tea cup on the coffee table and unlocks his phone, going into his messages. There, at the top, is a new unopened message in a text conversation he hasn’t opened or even looked at in a really long time, confirming that the name on the notification on his lock screen was not a hallucination. He swallows thickly, his heart in his throat, and opens it. 

Jeongguk (8:13 pm)

Hi hyung

I hope this is still your number

Please let me know if it isn’t haha

Yoongi (8:25 pm)

Um hi, Jeongguk 

This is still my number

Jeongguk (8:26 pm)

Oh

Hi

I kinda thought you had deleted my number

Yoongi (8:26 pm)

I thought about doing it many times but not sure why I never did

Yoongi’s heart is beating so hard he thinks he will be sick. Why is Jeongguk messaging him? It’s not like Yoongi hasn’t thought about texting him. Hell, he did it as recently as earlier today, but actually getting a message? Yoongi isn’t sure what to say. 

Jeongguk (8:28 pm) 

Same..

Sorry for messaging you so randomly I just 

It was nice seeing you again the other day

To be completely honest I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it

Yoongi groans. He isn’t about to admit it but his heart fluttered reading that. Goddammit, Jeon Jeongguk, what are you doing to me?

Jeongguk (8:35 pm)

Sorry

That was inappropriate wasn’t it?

You probably don’t want to talk to me, I’ll just go. I just wanted to tell you it was nice seeing you again. I hope you and Hoseok are well

...bye

For some unknown reason, Yoongi doesn’t want him to go. This is a bad idea, Yoongi knows it. A very bad idea. 

Yoongi (8:35 pm)

Wait

Don’t go

I thought it was nice seeing you again too

Even though I see you all the time, you know on tv and stuff… But you know what I mean

Jeongguk (8:36 pm)

Haha yeah I do

The conversation falls flat. Yoongi isn’t entirely sure what he expected but it’s been years since they last spoke so it’s bound to be awkward. It doesn’t help that the last time was a fight that ended in a breakup. Yoongi drums his fingers against his thigh, thinking of something, anything, to say. 

Yoongi (8:39 pm)

Hoseok brings the paper with your signature on it everywhere he goes. It’s literally in tatters because he refuses to part with it

I’ve told him we can preserve it and keep it safe somewhere but he insists on keeping it in his pocket 

I’m just waiting for the day I accidentally put it through the wash. I’m paranoid I’ll find pieces of ripped up paper in every load I run

Jeongguk (8:40 pm)

Hahaha awww cute

Next time I’ll have to make sure to sign something that will last

I mean

If we happen to run into each other again haha

Yoongi smiles. Then he catches himself and slaps his own cheek. 

Yoongi (8:41 pm)

I’m sure he’d like that

He hasn’t stopped talking about meeting you and how amazing it was

He’s a big fan

Jeongguk (8:42 pm)

I can tell haha

He seems like a great kid

Before Yoongi knows it, he’s been talking to Jeongguk for nearly two hours. They mainly talked about Hoseok, not straying too far into other topics. Yoongi loves talking about Hoseok. Every coworker who asks him about his son whenever they see the picture he has on his desk gets subjected to Yoongi monologuing at them about him. Gushing is maybe a better word for it. Jeongguk seemed interested to know about him, too. Asking questions and giving enthusiasts replies. 

Yoongi smiles to himself as he gets ready for bed. They finally said goodnight when Yoongi realized the time. He has to get up for work tomorrow which means he needs to be well-rested to be able to get through the day. He wanted to keep talking to him, though, and it feels bad. But talking to him felt so good. 

At the same time, Yoongi knows this isn’t the Jeongguk he used to know, and he needs to remember that. A lot has changed, and so have they as people. Both of them. They aren’t the same teenagers they were when they met. Now they’re grown-ups with jobs and responsibilities outside of each other. Truth be told, Yoongi doesn’t know if he has space for Jeongguk in his life anymore. Especially since Jeongguk is an idol now, he’s famous. And these days, Yoongi doesn’t have the privilege to only think about himself, he has a kid. He can’t go around making reckless decisions because it’s not going to affect only him. 

Sighing deeply, he gets into bed. He has a feeling tonight will be another sleepless night. So much for being well-rested tomorrow. 

He wakes up with a headache pressing on his temples and Hoseok jumping on him, telling him they’re late and urging him out of bed. They rush through their morning routine, Yoongi skipping breakfast but making sure Hoseok eats, and they’re out the door with seconds to spare. 

After dropping Hoseok off at school, he arrives at the office late, but the door to his boss’ office is closed so he’s in the clear. Seokjin gives him an inquisitive look as he passes his desk but Yoongi doesn’t stop, waving his hand dismissively. He’ll tell him later. 

He sits down at his own desk and boots up his computer. There’s a file on his desk that his boss must’ve put there this morning and he pushes it to the side, not feeling like looking at it at the moment, even though he knows he needs to. Instead he takes his phone out of his pocket and opens the text conversation from last night. He just needs to make sure if it actually happened. And there it is, right in front of his eyes, his and Jeongguk’s conversation. It still doesn’t feel real, in a way. 

Before he can think about it more, someone sits down on the edge of his desk. Thinking it’s his boss, Yoongi hurriedly stuffs his phone in his pocket and sits straight in his chair. Then he looks up at the person and meets Seokjin’s eyes and immediately deflates. 

“Relax, it’s just me,” Seokjin laughs and Yoongi glares at him. 

“What are you doing here, shouldn’t you be working?”

“I should ask the same for you.” Touché. “You arrived late.”

Yoongi pulls the folder closer to himself and opens it for something to do. He’s not actually reading it, Seokjin knows it as well. “Only by a couple of minutes. What’s it to you anyway?” 

“Just wondering. Everything is okay, yeah?”

Seokjin and his constant worrying. Yoongi wants to roll his eyes but refrains, knows the worrying comes from a place of caring. “Everything is fine, hyung. I just overslept and made us late.”

Seokjin gives him a shocked expression and Yoongi can’t tell if he’s doing it for show or not. “You? Oversleeping? You didn’t sleep last night?”

Yoongi suddenly remembers the reason for oversleeping, why he struggled to fall asleep last night and feels his face flush. He tries to hide it by bending his head down to stare at the words on the paper in front of him, hoping his hair is long enough to hide the side of his face Seokjin can see. 

“I accidentally fell asleep in front of the TV and when I moved to my bed I couldn’t fall back asleep.” He doesn’t like lying to his friends but it’s not like he can tell the truth. 

Seokjin doesn’t seem to believe him, eyeing him for a moment, but he doesn’t push. “Alright. We should get back to work. Don’t fall asleep at your desk,” he advises and Yoongi gives him the finger. Seokjin just laughs as he walks away. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

They keep texting, against Yoongi’s better judgment. He keeps having to stop himself from falling into old memories and old headspaces. But at the same time, his heart feels like this is his Jeongguk. The Jeongguk he knew and loved once. His head knows better but his heart doesn’t want to listen to his head, the traitor. 

They talk about mundane things. Tell each other about their days. Yoongi gushes about Hoseok to the point he thinks Jeongguk must be getting tired of it, but he never alludes to it. And there are things they should talk about, need to talk about, but both of them skirt around those subjects like they’re poisonous. And maybe they are. They both know that if either of them opens that can of worms they might never be able to close it again. 

Yoongi knows this isn’t going to work. It feels nice to talk to Jeongguk again but, realistically, he doesn’t think he should bring Jeongguk back into his life. He needs to think about what that could do, how that could affect his little family. And when it comes down to it, if he had to choose, he would choose Hoseok. Always. 

But, he can’t deny that a part of him is really enjoying talking to Jeongguk like this. Despite everything, he’s missed this. Missed him. There should be bitter feelings, remnants of anger and resentment, but all Yoongi feels when talking to Jeongguk is contentment. And he hates it. He hates how easy it is to fall back as if nothing happened. But he ignores it, because he knows he’ll need to say goodbye to Jeongguk sooner or later and he wants to make the most of it until that happens. 

Jeongguk (9:36 pm)

I have a photo shoot with a brand tomorrow and I’m excited for it! 

When I got the offer for an endorsement I knew I had to jump on it asap

Yoongi (9:40 pm)

What’s the brand?

Jeongguk (9:40 pm)

Hoho trying to get spoilers hyung?

Nah I won’t fall for that 

Yoongi (9:44 pm)

Lol it was a genuine question but I understand if you can’t tell me

Jeongguk (9:44 pm)

It’s calvin klein

But don’t tell anyone!!! 

Or I'll have to take action against you

Yoongi (9:46 pm)

What’s that supposed to mean

You’ll sue me??

Jeongguk (9:46 pm)

😶😶

Yoongi (9:51 pm)

Fine fine I won’t tell anyone

Jeongguk (9:51 pm)

Hyung you keep disappearing

Are you falling asleep lol

Yoongi (9:54 pm)

Mm it’s almost my bedtime

Jeongguk (9:54 pm)

Lol

Old man

Yoongi (9:55 pm)

Yah brat

Respect your elders

Once you have children of your own you’ll know what it’s like

Jeongguk (9:56 pm)

Idk if it’ll be possible for me to have children

Not with my current lifestyle

Yoongi (10:07 pm)

I meant in the future

You won’t always be a singer now will you

Jeongguk (10:08 pm)

Maybe..

Anyway 

I’ve kept you up long enough. I’ll let you get some sleep

Night hyung

Yoongi (10:08 pm) 

Night Jeongguk

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

“You seem distant,” Seokjin says a few days later during another family dinner. 

Yoongi grabs the plate he hands him to put into the dishwasher. They’re cleaning up after dinner while the kids play. Yoongi avoids Seokjin’s gaze while he stacks more dirty dishes. He didn’t think his friends had noticed, thought he had done a good job of pretending everything was fine. Apparently not. 

“Are you okay, hyung?”

Now they’re going to gang up on him, great. He sighs and leans against the counter. It’s true his mind has been occupied by a lot of things lately. And all of it boils down to one thing – one person to be specific. Yoongi didn’t expect to get so attached so quickly again. It just feels so familiar. All the feelings he felt back then came flooding back. It feels a little like he’s been thrown back in time. He isn’t sure how he feels about it, if he’s honest. 

“Hyung?”

Yoongi snaps out of his thoughts and looks at Namjoon. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… Have a lot on my mind lately.”

“We can tell,” Seokjin says, not unkindly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Yoongi is about to say an immediate no. There’s no way he can talk about this with his friends. He knows they’re capable of keeping a secret but he doesn’t really feel like dealing with them finding out he’s exes with Jeon Jeongguk. But then he thinks about it for another moment and realizes it would be nice to talk about it. He doesn’t need to mention any names. 

“I started talking to someone I lost contact with years ago. I guess you could say we reconnected. It was completely random, like I never expected to ever see or talk to them again. We kinda ended on bad terms. I, uh..yeah, I don’t know. It feels weird, speaking to them again.”

“Good weird or bad weird?” Namjoon questions. 

“I don’t know. Both? Does that make sense? Like, on one hand, I’m happy to talk to him again, but on the other, I know it can’t last.”

“Why not?” That’s a question Yoongi can’t answer without giving too much away. Seokjin takes the hint and moves on. “What happened between you before?”

“It was back when I got Hoseok.” He’s told them the story of how that happened but they don’t know much else, essentially nothing about Yoongi’s past. At least the parts that are connected with this. “We got put in an awkward situation when suddenly my whole world changed, getting a kid dumped on my lap. Our wants and needs changed, so we parted ways.” He shrugs. That is a very very condensed version of it but it’s as much as he feels comfortable saying.

“The way you explain it, it sounds like it was a mutual decision? No bad terms?” Namjoon says, a bit cautiously. 

“It was a bit more complicated than that.”

“So he’s your ex,” Seokjin concludes and Yoongi nods. He leans against the island counter opposite of Yoongi and crosses his arms loosely. 

“Did he not want kids or something?” Namjoon asks and Yoongi gives him a look to say drop it.

“As I said, it was more complicated than that.”

“So, why wouldn’t it work out now? I mean, you said it was years ago, both of you are bound to have changed. Maybe it could work?”

Yoongi shakes his head. He wishes he could tell them the whole truth, at this point they’re just going in circles. 

“Our lives are too different, it wouldn’t work out.”

“But you don’t know that? Maybe you could try? If that’s what you want.”

Yoongi pushes away from the counter and levels Namjoon with another look. “Drop it, Joon.”

Namjoon backs off. “Alright, sorry.”

Trying wouldn’t be worth it. Maybe if Yoongi didn’t have Hoseok to think about, he would go for it. But he doesn’t want to do that to him, he’s just a kid. Yoongi can’t with good conscience throw him into the world of an idol. Yoongi is happy with how his life is, and is in no need of any drama or chaos. 

He wishes his heart could get the message. 

When he gets the text from Jeongguk asking if he’s free to call, Yoongi says yes without a second thought. It’s late enough that Hoseok is asleep, so he doesn’t need to worry about any small ears overhearing. 

Seconds after he hits send his phone rings and he smiles as he answers. “Hello, Jeongguk.”

“Hi, hyung!” comes Jeongguk’s soft voice through the tinny speaker of Yoongi’s phone. He heard his voice not too long ago, when they ran into each other, but he still wasn’t prepared for it. So far they’ve only spoken over text, so Yoongi hasn’t had a chance to hear his voice. 

“Was there a reason you wanted to call instead of text?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice, hyung. I’ve missed your voice.”

Yoongi’s heart speeds up. He isn’t sure how to respond to that. He’s missed Jeongguk’s voice too but isn’t sure he’s ready to admit that out loud. Yoongi fears Jeongguk took his silence the wrong way because when he speaks again his voice is lower, maybe sadder. Or maybe that’s just Yoongi’s imagination. 

“What have you been up to today, hyung?”

“Hoseok and I went to our friends’ place for dinner. It’s something we do every week.”

“Oh, nice. That sounds fun.” 

Yoongi hums in response. 

Silence falls over them, only the sound of their breathing crackling over the speakers. Yoongi stares at the muted TV and thinks about how to start the conversation he knows is needed. It’s been less than a week since he and Jeongguk started speaking again but Yoongi is scared that if he lets it go any further, he won’t be able to turn back. 

“Hey…”

“Hyung?”

They speak at the same time. Jeongguk giggles and tells Yoongi to go first but Yoongi insists Jeongguk goes first. After a few more moments of giggling, Jeongguk calms down enough to speak. 

“Do you think we’ll ever be able to go back to how things used to be?”

Yoongi wants to say “no”, knows he should. He should be honest about his feelings. But the way Jeongguk asked it, with so much vulnerability in his voice, Yoongi can almost picture him in his mind, how he would bite his lip in nervous anticipation for the answer, his eyes wide and shining, so open and vulnerable; honest. 

“I don’t know, Jeongguk. I really don’t.”

This topic of conversation could easily lead them into talking about the past, but neither say anything else. Yoongi doesn’t want to dig up the past, not so soon, maybe ever, as it would not lead to anything good. 

“What did you want to say, hyung?” Jeongguk reminds him of his original thought and he hesitates. 

He isn’t ready to let Jeongguk go just yet. “I forgot.”

Jeongguk snorts. Then he remembers something else and the conversation moves into lighter, less dangerous territory. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

Yoongi makes a decision, sometime during the third week of him and Jeongguk talking. It’s a selfish decision, but if he doesn’t tell anyone, there’s no harm to it, right? He’s aware of how much of a bad decision it is, but he’s made up his mind. He feels lighter for it, no longer feeling a weight on his shoulders. His worries are still there, will probably always be there, but he can ignore them for now. 

Jeongguk keeps complaining about how he wants to see Yoongi in person. Yoongi isn’t ready to be seen in public with him, he’s still an idol and has eyes on him at all times. It would be a disaster if they were caught and Yoongi’s face ends up on the internet. So to placate Jeongguk a little, they start facetiming. 

Yoongi hadn’t realized he had missed seeing Jeongguk as much as he had, even if it’s just through his phone screen. They call as much as Jeongguk’s busy schedule allows. It mostly ends up being in the evening, which is perfect for Yoongi because it means Hoseok is already in bed and he doesn’t have to worry about getting caught on his phone by his boss. 

They’ve been on call for a couple of hours. Jeongguk called him as soon as Yoongi texted saying Hoseok is asleep and conversation has not faltered once. It feels like a switch has been flipped, ever since Yoongi made his decision, and everything is a lot more relaxed and fun. 

On his phone screen, Joengguk is sitting on his couch, much like Yoongi himself. But the difference is that Jeongguk is surrounded by a galaxy. Yoongi asked about it during one of their first facetime calls and Jeongguk enthusiastically told him about the wonders of the galaxy lamp. Yoongi is a little tempted to get one for himself, or maybe for Hoseok. He’ll have to remember it when his birthday comes around. 

Right now the lights are showing a blue constellation behind Jeongguk, bathing him in darkness. Yoongi can barely see his face, which he’s a bit sad about, but he loves spending time with him like this, so he doesn’t mind that much. 

“What are you thinking about?” Jeongguk’s voice cuts through the silence. He speaks quietly but Yoongi still startles. 

“Nothing.”

“Yeah? You looked deep in thought while just staring at me.” Jeongguk laughs and Yoongi feels his cheeks heat up. He’s glad his living room is also shrouded in darkness, the only thing providing light being the small lamp in the window, so it hopefully doesn’t show. 

“I guess I was just mesmerized by the lights.”

“Mmh, it’s relaxing, right? I love having it on at all times, especially in the evenings. Then I play chill music and just vibe.”

Yoongi definitely sees the appeal in that. He’s not even in the room with Jeongguk but he’s getting a good enough feel of the atmosphere through his screen. Suddenly he’s hit with the thought that he would very much like to be in the room with Jeongguk. To sit beside him. Be able to touch him. See him better. 

“I wish you were here too, hyung,” Jeongguk says and Yoongi realizes he voiced his thoughts out loud. How humiliating. But Jeongguk is smiling softly at him through the screen and Yoongi’s stomach flutters pleasantly. “Can I see you soon?”

“What do you mean? You’re seeing me right now.” Yoongi smiles, teasing, and Jeongguk pouts. 

“You know what I mean. I wanna see you in person. Be able to hold you and hug you.”

“Jeongguk…”

“What? You can’t tell me I’m the only one feeling like that.” 

Yoongi sighs, looking away from his screen. 

“Look,” Jeongguk continues. “I know, okay? Things are less than ideal with how my life is, don’t think I don’t know, but please don’t tell me I will never be able to see you in person. I will cry.” 

Yoongi looks back at Jeongguk. He’s pouting again but this time making a big show of pretending to be sad. Yoongi laughs softly and Jeongguk breaks into a smile. 

“Will you think about it, at least? Please, hyung?”

“Fine.” 

Jeongguk beams. 

He’s always had a way to get under Yoongi’s skin. This time is no different. Yoongi just hopes nothing bad will come of it. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

Seokjin scares Yoongi once again by appearing seemingly out of thin air at his office desk. Yoongi almost falls out of his chair when he notices something in the corner of his eye and turns his head to see Seokjin leaning against his desk. He slaps a hand over his chest, his heart trying to escape his rib cage, and glares at Seokjin. Seokjin just stares back at him with a blank expression. When Yoongi’s heart rate is back to somewhat normal, he turns back to his computer. 

“Why do you keep trying to kill me?” Seokjin remains silent and after a moment Yoongi looks back at him, confused. He frowns. “What’s up, hyung?”

“Something is different with you,” Seokjin finally says, making Yoongi even more confused. He didn’t do anything different with his appearance today. He’s wearing the type of clothes he always wears to work. He reaches up and smooths a hand over his hair self-consciously. Maybe he’s run his hand through it so much it’s become a mess. 

“I take it you gave it a shot after all and it’s working out.”

It takes a moment for Yoongi to understand what he means, and when he does, he isn’t sure whether to frown or blush at the statement. 

“What makes you say that?”

“You look happy but it’s a different kind of happy. Kind of…” He pauses, searching for the right words. “Glowing. That’s it. You’re glowing.”

Yoongi scoffs. That’s the most absurd thing he’s ever heard. Why would he be glowing? It’s not like he and Jeongguk are back together. Yoongi would say they’re maybe friends. Seokjin is looking at him as if expecting confirmation from him. 

“I’m not glowing. And nothing is ‘working out’” – he makes air quotes with his hands – ”because we’re not back together. We’re just talking. Friends. But maybe I did decide to stop worrying so much,” he adds quieter. 

Seokjin smiles softly and Yoongi has to look away to hide his flushing cheeks. Then he stands up and puts his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder. 

“Let’s go out for drinks tonight, just the two of us. Joon can take the kids.” Yoongi must not hide his grimace very well because Seokjin rolls his eyes. “He’ll manage for one night. Come on, it’s been a while since we took a night just for us, I think we deserve it.”

Yoongi nods but, just to make sure, he asks, “And it has nothing to do with what I told you?”

Seokjin ignores it. “I’ll text Joon to bring Hobi home when he picks up Tae and Jimin. We can go for dinner too, my treat.”

When the time comes to leave the office, it’s weird for Yoongi to not go straight to Hoseok’s school to pick him up. He keeps an eye on his phone the entire time in case Namjoon messages him about Hoseok. Seokjin rolls his eyes at him and tells him to relax. Yoongi tries. They go for beer and chicken because you can never go wrong with that. After demolishing their first plate of chicken, Seokjin orders them a second round, and this time they go slower.

At one point, Seokjin puts down his chopsticks and looks at Yoongi and Yoongi sighs, feeling like he knows what’s coming. 

“So, are you gonna tell me about it?”

“Did you just bring me here to interrogate me?” Yoongi counters. 

“I wanna know what goes on in my best friend’s life!” Seokjin defends. 

Yoongi uses his chopsticks to pick at the sesame seeds on the plate, moving them around the plate just for something to do. “We’re talking again. That’s all you need to know because that’s all that’s happening.”

“Alright alright,” Seokjin relents. 

Just then Yoongi’s phone pings with a new message. Thinking it’s Namjoon needing him home immediately because something happened to Hoseok, he picks it up from where it’s lying on the table at lightning speed. It’s not Namjoon. A smile involuntarily spreads on his lips when he sees Jeongguk’s name. He opens the notification to respond but looks up when he feels eyes on him. Seokjin is looking at him with a smirk, an eyebrow raised and Yoongi does not blush. He looks back down at his phone and types his reply, then puts his phone down face-down on the table. 

Seokjin is still smirking at him. Yoongi pointedly looks anywhere but at him as he takes a large gulp from his glass of beer. When he puts it back down and Seokjin has yet to look away, Yoongi levels a glare at him. 

“Shut up,” he mumbles. 

Seokjin finally looks away, grabbing a piece of chicken and shoving it in his mouth. “I didn’t say anything,” he says as he chews. 

“You’re annoying,” Yoongi says and Seokjin laughs his signature squeaky laugh. Yoongi hides his own smile behind his glass as he takes another sip of beer. 

“Did you have fun at dinner with your friend?” Jeongguk asks over the phone later, when Yoongi is home and Hoseok is asleep in his room. 

He had told Yoongi all about his evening at the Kims’. About how Namjoon had burnt their food and how they all had danced to music after dinner. Apparently the food had still been edible but Yoongi will have to remember to tell Namjoon to just order in next time he’s watching the kids, can’t have them eating burnt food. 

“I love him but he’s a pain in my ass,” Yoongi says and Jeongguk laughs. A soft breathy thing that takes Yoongi’s breath away. 

He adjusts himself in bed, sinking deeper into his pillows. Today they aren’t talking on facetime. Yoongi doesn’t mind but he has to admit he misses Jeongguk’s face. Silence falls over them as it so often does when they’re on call. But it’s a comfortable silence. Yoongi likes that they don’t need words to fill up every second of silence to be able to enjoy each others’ company. They can just sit in silence, just breathe together. Something like that is so rare and special. 

“Hyung.” Yoongi startles at Jeongguk’s voice and opens his eyes. He doesn’t know when he closed them but he must’ve nodded off for a second. “Hyung, are you falling asleep?”

“No.”

“I don’t believe you.” Yoongi can hear the smile in Jeongguk’s voice and it makes him smile. He wants to see that smile in person, it’s been so long. “You can sleep, it’s okay.”

“I want to keep talking to you, though,” Yoongi whispers, not having enough energy to talk anymore. 

“I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere,” Jeongguk whispers back. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Yoongi thinks that this isn’t how friends act with each other. They don’t spend every night falling asleep talking to each other on the phone. They don’t look forward to their texts and calls. They don’t miss their voice and smile and touch. Their hearts don’t flutter at the mere thought of the other. Yoongi for sure doesn’t act like that with Seokjin and Namjoon, so what makes Jeongguk so different? 

Yoongi knows why but right now he’s too tired to reach for the thought. He makes himself comfortable, puts the phone where the call with Jeongguk is still going on speakerphone beside him on the pillow and closes his eyes. Just as he’s about to fall into unconsciousness, he hears Jeongguk’s voice one last time. 

“Night, hyung. Sweet dreams.”

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

“Appa! What flavor did you get?” Taehyung jumps up and down on the spot in front of Seokjin, looking up at him. 

They’re out celebrating that today was the last day of school before summer. Yoongi and Seokjin left work early to pick up the kids and get ice cream. Seokjin grabs a generous amount of napkins from the counter then ushers everyone out of the shop. Yoongi goes ahead with Hoseok and they wait outside for them. 

“I got chocolate,” Seokjin answers his son when they’re out of the small, stuffy ice cream shop. The air outside isn’t much better, the beginning of summer arriving with humid weather. 

Taehyung is still bouncing in place. “Can I taste it, please?” he asks with his best pleading eyes. 

Seokjin laughs. “You also got chocolate. Ours is exactly the same.”

“No, yours is different,” Taehyung argues like it makes perfect sense and to a child’s mind it probably does.

Seokjin shakes his head fondly but brings his ice cream cone down to Taehyung’s level for him to take a bite. He does and gets chocolate ice cream all over his cheeks. Seokjin takes one of the napkins and wipes his face, unbothered. 

“Let’s go and sit at the park,” Yoongi says, licking at his own vanilla ice cream. Seokjin always tells him he’s boring for always getting vanilla flavor but it’s the superior flavor in Yoongi’s mind. 

They start walking in the direction of the park. Hoseok skips over to him and grabs his hand with his own free one, the other holding his own cone of strawberry swirl. Jimin and Taehyung walk hand-in-hand behind them with Seokjin bringing up the rear. Once they reach the park they find an empty park bench with a table and sit down. 

“What flavor did you get, Jiminie?” Yoongi asks when they’re sitting down. 

Jimin’s ice cream is melting faster than he can eat it and it’s running down his hands. Yoongi cringes seeing it and how sticky it must feel. But Jimin seems unbothered, licking away at his ice cream happily. 

“Banana!”

“Ooh. Is it good?”

“Yes. Do you want a bite?” He offers his cone to Yoongi and Yoongi kindly declines, eyeing the dripping ice cream with hesitation. Seokjin snickers under his breath. Jimin just shrugs and dives right back in. 

The sun shines down on them and Yoongi is starting to regret wearing a black t-shirt. He hates summer with a burning passion, the only good thing coming with it is that he gets to spend a few workless weeks with Hoseok when he goes on vacation. It starts next week and he can’t wait. 

He takes out his phone to snap a few pictures. He takes one of Hoseok with ice cream on his nose, and one of Jimin and Taehyung sharing their ice creams with each other. Then one of everyone, making sure all four of them are in frame. The last picture he takes is a selfie and that one he sends to Jeongguk. When he’s done he puts his phone back in his pocket. He isn’t expecting a response back; Jeongguk is busy. 

He’s a little sad that he and Jeongguk can’t hang out in public, wishes he could have joined them now. But it’s fine. It’s the way things have to be. 

Hoseok, Jimin and Taehyung finish their ice creams in record time and, after their dads hold them back long enough to wipe their sticky mouths and hands, rush off to the playground only a few meters away from where they’re sitting. Yoongi turns around on the bench so that he can keep an eye on them, and leans his back against the edge of the table. Seokjin comes around the table and sits beside Yoongi, mirroring his position. They both have yet to finish their own ice creams, so they sit in silence while eating, watching the kids play. 

There are other kids at the playground, as well, everyone coming here after school. Yoongi loves watching them run around and play, believes kids’ laughter is the cure-all. Especially Hoseok’s, but he’s biased.

Seokjin finishes his ice cream in one last big bite and grabs a clean napkin to wipe his hands. “Are you coming by for dinner tonight?” he asks, wiping the corners of his mouth. 

“As long as Namjoon isn’t cooking,” Yoongi teases. 

“Yah, don’t insult my husband like that ever again,” Seokjin threatens but he’s smiling so Yoongi knows he means nothing by it. “He just needs a little guidance.”

“What he needs is to not be present in the kitchen when food is on the stove,” Yoongi corrects. 

“Yah,” Seokjin says again but he’s laughing so it loses any heat it could’ve had. 

When Yoongi has finished his own ice cream, they call the kids back and start heading home, stopping for groceries on the way. 

Hoseok has started doing this thing every time they are in a store where he will look into every aisle as if looking for something specific. Yoongi never questioned it, thinking Hoseok is just curiously looking around the store. He’s doing it again now, walking at the back of their group and examining the store as if it’ll give him the answers he seeks. 

“What are you looking for, Hobi?” Seokjin’s voice makes Yoongi pause in his step.

He’s walking ahead with Jimin and Taehyung holding one of his hands each, and Seokjin was behind them with the shopping cart. Now he’s stopped too, looking at Hoseok standing a bit farther away, hovering at a different aisle. The twins keep chattering away at each other as if nothing is amiss and Yoongi turns as well as he can with them holding his hands to look at his son. 

Hoseok looks at them, looks down the aisle, walks over to the next and looks down that one too. “I’m looking for Jeongguk-ssi. We met him at the store last time and I don’t want to miss him if he’s here again,” he says when he reaches Seokjin. 

Yoongi’s heart breaks a little at his confession. So that’s why he’s been acting kind of strange whenever they’re in a store. Yoongi will have to have a chat with him about it later. He doesn’t want him believing he’ll meet Jeongguk every time they’re in a store as if he lives there or something. Their last meeting was a one-off thing based on luck. Yoongi already isn’t looking forward to it. 

Seokjin glances at Yoongi and they share a look, then he turns back to Hoseok. He pokes him in the cheek to distract him and make him laugh, which works, Hoseok letting loose a bright, tinkling laugh. Yoongi smiles. 

“Do you wanna sit in the cart?” Seokjin asks and Hoseok nods enthusiastically, his mission of finding Jeongguk in the store apparently all forgotten. Yoongi is grateful for Seokjin; he’s so good with the kids. 

Seokjin grabs Hoseok under his armpits and hoists him into the cart with a grunt. Yoongi shoots him a grateful smile that Seokjin returns with a smile of his own, then they’re continuing their shopping. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

There’s a knock on Yoongi’s door, which is weird considering how late in the evening it is. As he walks to it to open it he thinks maybe it is a delivery, but what delivery would be made at this time? And he hasn’t ordered any food. 

He gets the shock of his life to say the least when he opens the door to see Jeongguk standing on the other side. Yoongi just stands there and stares at him for a solid ten seconds before grabbing his wrist and pulling him into the apartment. He sticks his head out in the hallways to make sure no one is around to see, then shuts the door and turns to Jeongguk. Jeongguk, who is standing in his entrance, shoes still on, looking at Yoongi shyly. 

Why is Jeongguk here?

“What the hell are you doing here?” Yoongi hisses, keeping his voice down because Hoseok is asleep and he really doesn’t want him to wake up and see this. 

Jeongguk’s smile turns sheepish. “I wanted to see you.” He says it more like a question, voice pitching up at the end. 

Yoongi thinks he’s going to lose it. He hasn’t seen Jeongguk in person since – well, he saw him a few weeks ago when they randomly ran into each other but before that it had been years. And now he’s here, in Yoongi’s apartment, standing only a few steps away from him. Realizing just how close they are standing to each other, Yoongi takes a step back. Then he realizes something else. 

“How did you even know where I live?”

“Remember last week when I asked for your address because I wanted to send you something?”

“Yeah, but I never got anything,” Yoongi says, squinting at him. 

“It’s here now!” He stretches his arms out either side of himself and Yoongi is confused for half a second before it clicks that he’s talking about himself and he can’t help but huff out a quiet laugh. Jeongguk smiles, triumphant. 

“I can’t believe you. Someone could’ve seen you.” Yoongi finally moves out of the entrance way and, with the added room, Jeongguk bends down to take his shoes off. Yoongi opens the closet beside him and digs out a spare pair of inside slippers and hands them to him. 

“I was careful, I promise. I wore a mask coming here and took an unsuspicious car.”

Yoongi doesn’t know what an unsuspicious car is and he doesn’t ask. He gestures for Jeongguk to follow him inside. He came all this way to see Yoongi, Yoongi might as well be a good host. 

“We have to be quiet because Hoseok is asleep,” he says over his shoulder as he leads them into the kitchen. He turns on the light. “Can I get you anything?”

“Do you have any ramen? I came here directly from work and I haven’t eaten anything yet.”

Yoongi saves his scolding about the importance of eating, feeling like it may be a little too much, and digs around his cupboards for the ramen he knows he has. He likes to always keep some on hand for those extra lazy days when he can’t be bothered to cook. When he finds what he’s looking for, he takes out a pan to fill with water and puts it on the stove to boil. When that’s done, he turns to Jeongguk. He’s situated himself on the counter, clearly making himself feel at home already. Yoongi doesn’t comment on it. 

It’s strange, having Jeongguk in his kitchen, seeing him in real life this close. Sure, they’ve facetimed more times than Yoongi can count over the past few weeks since they reconnected, but seeing him through a screen is different from real life. Now Yoongi could reach out and touch him if he wanted. Which he kind of does but refrains from. 

Jeongguk is looking around the room, intrigued. “Did Hoseok make those?” He points to the drawings hanging on the fridge. 

Yoongi smiles. He loves it when Hoseok comes home from school with a new drawing. The ones he has hung up on the fridge are the ones he treasure most. One is a drawing of himself and Hoseok holding hands. They’re standing on a grass field, a smiling sun shining down on them. Another is of the two of them and their friends. In that drawing Yoongi is standing on the left, Hoseok beside him. On the opposite end stands Seokjin and Namjoon with Jimin and Taehyung standing between Namjoon and Hoseok. They’re all holding hands and smiling. Yoongi gets all warm inside whenever he looks at them. 

“Yes,” he answers. Jeongguk nods. 

“He turned six this year, right? If I have my math correct.”

“He did.”

The atmosphere turns a little awkward but the water starts boiling just then, so Yoongi is saved from having to acknowledge it. He rips open the packet of ramen and dumps the noodles into the water, then adds the spice packet. 

“You’re doing it wrong,” Jeongguk says, looking at Yoongi stirring the noodles. 

“Huh?”

“If you add the spice packet into the water first and then the noodles, it goes quicker and tastes better.”

Yoongi has no idea if that has any substantial evidence to it. Wouldn’t it taste exactly the same whatever way you make it?

“I’ll remember to do it that way the next time then,” he says, if only to satisfy Jeongguk. Jeongguk beams at him. 

“You’ll see I'm right and then you’ll never make ramen any other way.”

“Sure,” Yoongi chuckles, finding him funny.

When the noodles are done, they sit down at the table and eat. Yoongi normally wouldn’t eat this late but thinks it would be weird if he lets Jeongguk eat on his own, so he will only have a couple of bites. 

“Do you always stay at work until this late?” Yoongi asks, grabbing a couple of noodles with his chopsticks. 

Jeongguk hums around a mouthful of noodles and swallows before responding. “Most of the time, yeah. I find that I’m the most inspired later in the day. Sometimes I stay even later, or I go into work late. I guess it also depends on my schedule for the day.”

“Do you enjoy it?” Yoongi asks, this time quieter. He hasn’t really allowed himself to think about what he could’ve had and what his life could’ve been like.

Jeongguk gives him a sympathetic smile and Yoongi hates it. Hates how it makes him want to cry. “I do, very much. This has always been my dream, but you knew that already.” He smiles, looking down. 

“I’m glad you were able to achieve your dream, Jeongguk. I never had the chance to tell you but I’m proud of you.”

Jeongguk snaps his head back up and looks at Yoongi in surprise. It might be a trick of the light, but Yoongi thinks he sees Jeongguk’s eyes glisten with what might be tears. 

“Don’t start crying,” he threatens, pointing his chopsticks at him. “Or I’ll start crying.”

Jeongguk laughs and it sounds a little wet. He looks down again and blinks a few times. “Sorry, just.. I didn’t expect to hear those words from you ever again.”

“I’ll tell you them often from now on, then.”

Their eyes meet across the table and they share a soft smile. Yoongi’s heart betrays him again when it flips out at being looked at like this by Jeongguk. He looks away and picks up another couple of noodles from the pot they’re sharing from. 

A bit later when the ramen has been demolished – mainly by Jeongguk – they sit down on the couch. Yoongi turns on the TV and tells Jeongguk to choose something to watch. He picks some random drama on Netflix and Yoongi doesn’t think much of it but both of them end up being drawn into it, pressing play on episode after episode. It’s fun, not watching TV alone for once. After Hoseok has gone to bed, which is usually pretty early, Yoongi has no one to keep him company. Unless you count Jeongguk over the phone. 

He’s pretty sure they started out on opposite ends of the couch but as he reaches over to press play on yet another episode, he notices his leg brushing against Jeongguk’s. They’ve moved closer to each other. When he sits back against the couch, Jeongguk has moved his arm so it’s resting on top of the cushions and Yoongi sits tense in waiting for it to happen. 

And, after a moment, it does. Jeongguk inconspicuously lowers his arm so it’s resting on Yoongi’s shoulders instead. Jeongguk surely notices how tense he is and with that reminder Yoongi forces himself to relax into him. Together they adjust their position until they’re comfortable and Yoongi completely settles in against him. This is not how he saw the night going, them cuddling on his couch, but, now that he’s here, he’s not complaining. Jeongguk is nice and comfortable to lean against. Yoongi doesn’t want to move from his position. But, a while later, he knows he needs to. Jeongguk carefully sits up and Yoongi is forced to do the same. 

“I should get going,” he says. Yoongi yawns and nods, glancing at the time. It’s 1:30 am. Definitely the latest Yoongi has been awake in a long time. They both stand up and Yoongi follows him to the door. 

He leans against the wall and watches Jeongguk pull on his shoes. “It was nice to see you and spend time together,” Yoongi says. “Even though you coming by was a complete surprise.”

“A nice surprise, I hope.” Jeongguk grins. 

Yoongi just shakes his head and smiles. “Next time, at least give me a heads-up if you’re planning on coming by.”

“Does that mean I can come by again?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Yoongi says nonchalantly and Jeongguk gives a knowing smile. Yoongi ignores him. 

“I had a nice time, too, by the way,” Jeongguk says, intense eyes on Yoongi. Yoongi hopes his blush isn’t too evident in the low light of the hall. 

“Get home safe.”

Jeongguk grabs the door handle but pauses and looks back at Yoongi. “Can I hug you?”

Yoongi pushes away from the wall and nods. Jeongguk wraps his arms around him in a tight hug and Yoongi splays his hands over his back, hugging him back. When Jeongguk releases him, Yoongi immediately misses his warmth. 

He gives Yoongi one last smile and wave, then he’s gone. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

The summer days are long and hot. Hoseok insists that he plays with Jimin and Taehyung everyday, which Yoongi has nothing against because he loves spending time with his own friends. What he doesn’t love is the fact that Jeongguk has started taking up a lot more of his thoughts – which is a lie he tells himself because he doesn’t know how else to deal with it. He already talks with Jeongguk over text all the time, and they call often too, so it’s not like Yoongi isn’t getting his daily dose of Jeongguk that would otherwise explain why he’s constantly on his mind. But since that isn’t the case, Yoongi is at a loss. 

His friends are nice enough to not comment on it again, and they don’t bring Jeongguk up (even if they don’t know it’s Jeongguk). 

The kids nag them to visit the ocean until they can no longer take it and pack up the car for a day-trip to the beach. They’re too many to all fit in one car so they take separate ones. Hoseok whines the whole ride about how he isn’t in the same car as his friends. Yoongi tries his best to comfort him but there’s only so much he can take and, at one of the stops they make, gives Hoseok his tablet to watch videos and play games on for the rest of the ride. 

Yoongi, on the other hand, spends the ride thinking how fun it would be if Jeongguk could’ve joined them. He knows that isn’t realistic with who Jeongguk is, but he can dream. 

When they arrive, they set up camp in a nice secluded area. They’re not alone at the beach but it also isn’t packed with people. After slathering Hoseok in sunscreen, he lets him go have his fun, then slathers himself in sunscreen. They brought an umbrella so he sets that up and plants himself on his towel under the shade. Here, he plans on staying for the rest of the day. Maybe he should’ve brought a book, he thinks then laughs to himself. Good one.  

When the kids are tired of playing in the sand and want to go in the water, Yoongi sacrifices Seokjin and Namjoon to go with them. Seokjin gives him a withering stare as he reluctantly follows the kids and his husband. Yoongi gives him a finger heart. Once he’s alone, he grabs his phone and opens facetime.

Just as Yoongi starts worrying that maybe he’s interrupting Jeongguk in the middle of work and should have texted to make sure he was free to call first, Jeongguk picks up. Yoongi has turned the camera forward so he gets a view of the beach and Yoongi’s friends playing in the water in the distance when he does. 

There’s a pause where Jeongguk takes in the scenery on his screen; Yoongi watches him with a soft smile. 

“You’re at the beach,” he says the obvious. 

Yoongi turns his camera around so it shows his face. “Yes, I am.”

Jeongguk takes another pause to just look at his screen. Yoongi sees his eyes flit all over his own face through the screen and fights down a blush. He doesn’t know why his body is blushing this much in Jeongguk’s presence but it needs to stop. 

“Hi,” Jeongguk says eventually. 

“Hey. Are you at work? I hope I’m not bothering you.” Yoongi can’t see much of Jeongguk’s surroundings but he can see he’s sitting in a desk chair.

“You could never bother me. Are you at the beach alone?” Jeongguk asks.

“No, I’m with my friends and our kids. They were the people you saw in the water.”

“Ah, okay.” Jeongguk nods. “You haven’t really told me anything about them. Your friends, I mean.”

Yoongi shrugs. “What do you want to know?”

“I only want to know what you want to tell me,” Jeongguk says, readjusting himself in his chair.

Crossing his legs under him, Yoongi places his elbows on his knees and rests his head in his free hand, the other holding up his phone. “Well, we met after, uhm, after I started working at the same office as Seokjin hyung. He then introduced me to Namjoon, his husband. They adopted their children, Taehyung and Jimin a year or so after we met. They’re twins and arguably the cutest kids in the world, second only to Hobi.

“Jin hyung really helped me get comfortable at work in the beginning. I didn’t know what I was doing at an office job, you know. But I needed a stable income so it was that or nothing.”

“They seem nice,” Jeongguk says after a moment when it’s clear Yoongi has finished speaking. 

“They’re my best friends. They helped me a lot back then, and not only at work.” He doesn’t mention it out loud but they both know what he’s referring to. 

Jeongguk gets a guilty look on his face and Yoongi regrets opening his mouth. He racks his brain for a new topic because he’d rather talk about anything else than this. “I kind of wish you could’ve come.”

Jeongguk blinks a couple of times and focuses his gaze on Yoongi. “To the beach?” He smiles. “Me too. Maybe one day.”

Yoongi nods and it falls silent between them. He looks out to the water where the others still are. Hoseok spots him and waves with both arms raised high above his head. Jimin and Taehyung copy him. Yoongi grins and waves back. When he looks back at his phone screen he catches Jeongguk looking at him with a soft smile and soft eyes. Then he blinks and shakes himself out of it when he notices he was caught. Yoongi fights back a smile of his own. 

They chat for another while until the others make their way back up the beach to where Yoongi is and Yoongi has to hang up. He doesn’t want to have to deal with his friends interrogating him because they caught him on the phone with someone. Hoseok throws himself over Yoongi once he reaches him and Yoongi grunts as he falls back against his towel. 

“You’re wet,” he tells Hoseok but still wraps his arms around him and squeezes him gently in a hug. Hoseok burrows his face in Yoongi’s neck and Yoongi gets a face-full of wet salty hair. They’ll all need a shower once they get home. 

Jimin starts recounting what they did in the water to Yoongi, who nods and hums every so often to show he’s listening. Jimin is a chatterbox. He loves to talk, will talk to complete strangers if they show even the tiniest of interest in him. Taehyung is on the quieter side but can still talk up a storm when he wants. Right now they bounce off each other as Taehyung joins Jimin in his retelling of events, and Yoongi smiles as he listens, Hoseok half-asleep on his chest. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

Hoseok has become even more obsessed with idol Jeon Jeongguk, if that is even possible. He was already a big fan of his to begin with, but after meeting him in person… Yoongi has not known a moment of peace. 

Since school let out for the summer and he has more time, Hoseok has developed a new routine. It goes a little like this: he wakes up and immediately starts watching Jeongguk videos on Yoongi’s ipad. They range from music videos, reality shows he’s made and live performances. When one finishes, he presses play on another one, picking one at random from the suggested videos. It goes like this while he’s eating breakfast, and Yoongi has to watch him bop along to the music or laugh at whatever is being said on the screen in silence. 

Early on, he told Hoseok that if he’s going to be watching videos like that, he needs to use headphones. It’s possible he’s starting to regret that. 

After breakfast, Hoseok changes from watching on the tablet to putting on videos on the TV. He argued to Yoongi that the screen is bigger which makes it better. Yoongi couldn’t disagree with that. The videos he watches on the TV are usually dance practices, and he will attempt to follow along. Yoongi doesn’t understand how he, a six year old child, manages to keep up with Jeongguk on screen, someone who has danced for years and has had plenty of practice. But Hoseok watches the same practices on repeat and after a few times, he has gotten the point moves down and even manages to keep up tempo. Yoongi is beyond impressed with his son, and he also wonders where he’s gotten it from. No one in Yoongi’s family has ever been a dancer or shown interest in it. 

Maybe he should sign Hoseok up for dance lessons. 

He takes videos of Hoseok practicing Jeongguk’s choreographies and sends some to him. Jeongguk always responds with great enthusiasm, joking that he should recruit Hoseok to his company. Yoongi shuts him down even if he knows it’s a joke. Hoseok is still too young for that. But it makes him wonder in the back of his mind if there couldn’t be some potential for a future in the entertainment industry for Hoseok. Just because he gave that up for himself doesn’t mean he will stop Hoseok from pursuing what he wants. As long as he’s happy, Yoongi will be happy. 

Jeongguk keeps asking Yoongi when he can meet Hoseok again, properly. Every time, Yoongi gives a noncommittal answer. He doesn’t know why he’s so hesitant about it. Maybe because Hoseok looks up to Jeongguk? He’s told Yoongi more times than he can count how Jeongguk is his role model and idol. The first time he met Jeongguk, he met him as a fan. Wouldn’t it be weird to meet him as Yoongi’s friend? 

Yoongi wishes he could talk to his friends about this, but that would mean revealing Jeongguk is the person from his past he’s reconnected with. He’s not ready to do that. 

Another reason he is hesitant could be because if he introduces Jeongguk and Hoseok properly, it’ll become official, this thing he has with Jeongguk. It isn’t anything except friendship, but Yoongi still feels weird about it. What if Hoseok gets to know Jeongguk, becomes his friend, then, for whatever reason, Yoongi and Jeongguk fall apart again? That would mean Hoseok wouldn’t only lose a friend but also potentially his role model. 

Yoongi doesn’t want that to happen. Hoseok is always talking so highly of his idol. Always has so much fun dancing to his music. He shines so brightly and Yoongi doesn’t want to risk taking his spark away. He loves him too much to see him hurt.

Summer continues. Long, humid days give way to cool evenings and soon Yoongi has to go back to work. He decides to surprise Hoseok with dance lessons that will start after summer. Hoseok is, as predicted, elated. He jumps up and down in happiness when Yoongi tells him, and thanks his dad endlessly. The extra financial expenses will be worth it to see him this happy. 

“You’re a really good dad, hyung,” Jeongguk says when Yoongi tells him about it on one of their frequent evening calls. 

“I try my best but thank you for saying that.”

“Hyung, don’t be modest. I bet Hobi thinks you’re the best dad.”

Something bitter settles in the bottom of Yoongi’s stomach at hearing Jeongguk say that, but he ignores it for now. He tries to change the topic. “You’re being too sweet. Anyway, what are up to? Are you at home?"

“Mm, I’m just at home vibing. I don’t have any music on right now but I do have my galaxy lamp on.”

“You should’ve called on facetime so I could vibe with you,” Yoongi complains. 

Jeongguk laughs. “Are you pouting right now, hyung?”

“No.” He purposefully pouts and makes it noticeable in his voice, then smiles when Jeongguk laughs harder. 

“You’re killing me, you really are,” Jeongguk gasps. He takes another moment to calm down. “But seriously, hyung. I would love to meet Hoseok again. It would be so cool to dance with him. I love the videos you send me of him dancing to my music. Makes me feel special.”

“Is that the only reason you want to meet him?” Yoongi asks. 

“What do you mean?” Jeongguk sounds genuinely confused. 

Yoongi wonders if he should keep going or just dismiss it. One would be the easy option and one could potentially lead into dangerous territory. Is Yoongi ready for that? For Hoseok, he’s willing to do anything. 

“Do you only want to meet him to dance with him? You’ve been nagging me a lot about wanting to meet him lately. You didn’t show this much interest from the beginning. I’m just asking to know what your intentions are. For Hoseok’s sake.”

“You’ve always cared for him a lot,” Jeongguk mumbles, then louder, says, “Hyung, I never want to cause any harm to him. You’ve been talking about him so much and with so much love that I got curious. I want to get to know him like that, too.”

“And you think you’re in a position to do that? Jeongguk, you’re famous. You’re an idol. Hoseok looks up to you, he’s your biggest fan. Maybe we should keep it that way for now."

“Why? If you had the chance to meet your idol properly and hang out with him in a private setting, wouldn’t you? I don’t mean any disrespect but that is what you think, hyung. Have you thought about what Hoseok thinks? What he would say?” Jeongguk presses. 

“I know what he would say. Jeongguk, he’s six. I am still the one who makes the big decisions for him.”

There’s a tense pause. Then, “Okay,” Jeongguk relents. “I’ll let it go for now. But I feel like you aren’t telling me everything, there’s gotta be another reason why you don’t want me to see him. But I will respect your decision.”

“Thank you.”

When Yoongi slips into bed a bit later, he plays their conversation over in his mind on repeat. They had hung up not long after, the tension between them awkward and tense. Yoongi is starting to feel like he made his decision to forget about his worries regarding Jeongguk and him talking again too rashly. He’s too aware of Jeongguk’s famous status and what it would mean to bring him into his life properly. He supposes that’s why he still hasn’t. Despite what he decided, he’s still holding Jeongguk at an arms-length. 

There’s also the past, which is slowly but surely creeping back up and making itself known in the back of Yoongi’s mind. He hasn’t revisited their last fight in years. It was something he used to agonize over. Play it over and over in his mind to figure out where he went wrong; what he could’ve done differently. 

The year after the breakup was the worst year of Yoongi’s life. He had just lost his brother and sister-in-law and found himself suddenly needing to take care of a small child. Then he had to give up his dream of being a musician, which is something he had wanted to do for as long as he could remember. On top of all that he also lost his relationship and the most important person to him. All in the span of a week. 

He hadn't had much time to grieve and mourn. He needed to move out of the dorm he and Jeongguk shared that was provided by the company they were trainees in. He needed to find a job so he could provide for himself and a child. There were days when he couldn’t bring himself to leave his bed. He would go hours, sometimes a whole day without eating anything because he had to prioritize Hoseok. 

Hoseok. He was the shining light in the never ending darkness that had become Yoongi’s life. He was the reason Yoongi managed to drag himself out of bed on even the worst days. His smile was the reason Yoongi smiled. He would sit with Hoseok asleep in his arms late at night, instead of sleeping himself (he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway), because the weight of him in his arms was the only thing keeping Yoongi from completely losing his mind. 

Yoongi remembers thinking countless times about calling Jeongguk. Begging him to come back, to help him. But he didn’t think he had the right to. They had both been in the wrong, both of them had gone too far, but one thing was clear: Jeongguk had shown he didn’t want anything to do with Hoseok and, since Yoongi and Hoseok were a package deal, he never made the call. Didn’t think he’d survive another heartbreak. 

And now. Now Jeongguk has waltzed back into his life like none of that ever happened. At first Yoongi was all too happy to ignore it, but he’s starting to lose resolve. Jeongguk wants to get to know Hoseok. Does that mean he’s changed his mind? That he wants them both in his life? Yoongi isn’t sure, and he doesn’t know if he wants to risk it. He and Jeongguk should never have started talking again in the first place, especially not without talking about everything that needs to be said. But that’s both of their fault for never bringing it up. 

Yoongi has lost Jeongguk once, he can do it again – no matter how much that hurts to admit. He loved Jeongguk once. He still does, to some extent, but his life is different. So is Jeongguk’s. Both of them have bigger responsibilities, bigger priorities. They’re not the same people they were when they met the first time. Life changes, people change. Yoongi would like to think he’s changed for the better. He doesn’t want to make the same mistakes twice, especially now, when his life isn’t just his own but Hoseok’s as well. 

Hoseok will always be Yoongi’s main priority, and he needs Jeongguk to know that. 

He hasn’t slept well in days and it must be noticeable, if the way Seokjin is staring at him across the office is anything to go by. Yoongi ducks his head down behind his computer monitor to avoid his stare but all he gets for his trouble is Seokjin appearing at his side. 

Yoongi sighs deeply. “Don’t you have work to do,” he says, voice flat, not sparing Seokjin a glance. 

“Are you okay?”

Not this again. Yoongi drops his fingers from his keyboard and leans back in his chair. He gives Seokjin his most convincing smile and says, “Yes.”

Seokjin winces, which means Yoongi wasn’t convincing at all. He looks at Yoongi for another moment then decides it’s not worth it to press, and turns to leave. Yoongi suddenly doesn’t want him to. 

“Hyung.” Seokjin turns back to him. “If- If someone from your past, someone who hurt you and who you hurt, suddenly reappeared in your life. Would you let them in? Even if you did everything to ignore the past because you’re stupid, and you fear letting them in will only cause more harm than good. What would you do?” 

“Is this hypothetical?” Seokjin asks, knowing full well it isn’t. Yoongi remains silent. Seokjin nods in acknowledgment. “Okay, well. It depends. How did we hurt each other? Is there a way for us to fix it, to talk about it? Have we forgiven each other and ourselves for what we did? And why would it cause more harm than good? Is that just something I tell myself to keep my heart guarded? Or is there an actual valid reason?”

They look at each other for a long moment. This is why Yoongi comes to Seokjin when he has a problem. Seokjin will give him advice if he needs it. He will be there with a helping hand, guide Yoongi in the right direction. Or he will simply be there to listen if that’s what Yoongi needs. 

“Only you can answer that, Yoongi-yah. But make sure whatever decision you make, you make it for yourself. Do what’s best for you. Don’t care if it makes you seem selfish, it’s good to be selfish sometimes.” Yoongi nods, looking down at his desk. Seokjin claps him softly on his shoulder. 

“I’m here if you need me.” Then he goes back to his own desk. 

Yoongi turns back to his monitor. He thinks he can answer most of the questions Seokjin gave him to think about. Burying his face in his hands, he groans quietly to himself. This is giving him a headache. Why did Jeongguk have to come back into his life to begin with? Couldn’t they have stayed in their respective lives, far away from each other? There was no need for them to bump into each other.

He thinks about what Seokjin said, It’s good to be selfish. Yoongi thinks it’s time to be selfish.

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

This time when there’s a knock on his door late at night, Yoongi knows exactly who it is. Still, it comes as a surprise because he didn’t invite him over. Frowning, he opens the door to find Jeongguk staring back at him with a frown of his own. 

“I thought I told you you need to let me know in advance if you’re planning on coming by.”

Jeongguk ignores it. “Are you gonna let me in or are you just gonna leave me to stand here and potentially be seen by your neighbors?”

It could be light and teasing, except Jeongguk isn’t smiling. If anything, he looks mad. Yoongi sighs and opens the door wider for Jeongguk to step inside. Yoongi turns and walks back inside, not waiting for Jeongguk this time. He’s been here before, he knows his way around. Yoongi has just sat down on the couch when Jeongguk storms into the room. 

“If you’re gonna be mad, can you please be quiet about it? I don’t want Hoseok to wake up, it’s a school night.”

“You’re not even gonna ask why?” Jeongguk crosses his arms over his chest, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“Are you going to actually tell me why? Or just leave me guessing?”

Jeongguk huffs, uncrossing his arms. Yoongi can’t help but think he looks a little like a petulant child right now, but he doesn’t say it. It would probably make Jeongguk madder. 

“I am mad because you’ve been ignoring me for the past two weeks. And when you’re not outright ignoring my texts and declining my calls, your answers are short and stilted. I want to know why.”

Yoongi should’ve known this would happen. Jeongguk didn’t seem to have any reservations when it came to them. Yoongi wonders if he even remembers what happened five years ago. He sighs and pats the couch cushion beside himself. 

“At least sit down so we can have a proper talk. You standing all the way over there makes me nervous.”

Jeongguk listens and sits down on the opposite end of the couch from Yoongi. He keeps his body facing forward, barely even turning his head in Yoongi’s direction. This might prove to be harder than Yoongi thought. Luckily he’s had lots of practice dealing with upset children. 

“Jeongguk, will you look at me?” Jeongguk firmly keeps his eyes forward. “You know, I thought you had grown up. You seemed a lot maturer the past few months we’ve spoken, but if you’re gonna act like a child, you can leave.”

At that, Jeongguk turns his head to look at him. His expression has turned a little softer, no longer so hard around the edges with anger, though Yoongi can still see it in the down-turned corners of his mouth. Yoongi wonders what the easiest way to go about this would be. Jeongguk is stubborn, always has been. He gets his way if only by brute force. Yoongi isn’t in the mood to fight him today. 

“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you without telling you the reason why. I should have, you deserve to know. Jeongguk, I think we should stop this. Stop talking. I’m not ready to let you into my life and neither of us seem willing to talk about the shit we need to talk about.”

Jeongguk deflates, all anger and fight leaving him in one breath. He looks down at his hands in his lap. When he speaks, his voice is quiet. 

“I’ve spent the past couple of weeks waiting for you to respond to me like normal. I thought at first that maybe you’re just busy but then when you kept ignoring me, and then started acting so cold towards me, I started thinking maybe I did something wrong. I loved having you back in my life hyung, and even though I can admit what you said is true, I have been ignoring the elephant in the room, I just loved talking to you. I missed you so much, hyung. And I want to argue with you now, that we don’t need to stop talking completely, but I also know that probably wouldn’t be healthy.”

Yoongi realizes that Jeongguk actually has matured a lot. Part of him is proud to see that. Another part of him feels like it’s a little too late. 

“Five years may be a long time, but time doesn’t always heal all wounds. I thought it had but then I saw you again, I talked to you again, and I realized I’m not ready to open my heart up to you again. You hurt me badly. I know I hurt you too but, Jeongguk, I was a mess. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am today and I’m not ready to jeopardize it.”

“I know. I’ve been naive. I thought that if I wanted it badly enough, I could make it work despite the open wounds we both still clearly have. I’m sorry, I was selfish.” Jeongguk looks at him, the corners of his mouth still down-turned, not with anger now but with sadness.

Yoongi shakes his head. “So was I. I’m sorry, too.”

Jeongguk gives an awkward laugh. “So, what now? We just delete each others’ numbers, for real this time, and go on with our lives?”

“I don’t know.” Yoongi shrugs. 

“I’m going on tour, I’m sure you know.” Yoongi nods; he did know that. With super fans for friends like his, it’s impossible not to. “I don’t know if this is appropriate but, if you want, I can give you tickets to my Seoul show?”

Jeongguk must sense his hesitance because he adds, “I’m sure Hoseok would be delighted to go.”

“Oh, that’s evil. Using my own son against me.” Still, he can’t help the smile pulling at his lips. 

“Is it working?” Jeongguk smiles back. 

Yoongi bites his lip. Why did Jeongguk have to be so understanding? Yoongi has to remind himself that this Jeongguk and the Jeongguk he knew five years ago are not the same person. He’s done a lot of growing over the years that Yoongi has not been witness to. He doesn’t know the version of Jeongguk sitting in front of him. But he’s still kind, still trying to make a difficult situation lighter by making jokes. 

“You should go,” he says instead of answering Jeongguk’s question. 

Jeongguk’s smile drops and he nods. “I’m sorry, for everything.”

He stands up and leaves the room and soon after Yoongi hears his front door close. The tears roll down his cheeks silently. He didn’t think Jeongguk walking out of his life a second time would be just as painful as the first. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

“Appa, is everything okay?”

Yoongi looks up to see Hoseok hovering in the doorway to the living room. He beckons him closer and Hoseok runs up to him and sits down on the couch beside him, leaning into his side. 

“Of course, my Hobi. Why wouldn’t it be?” He pulls Hoseok towards him with an arm around his waist. 

Hoseok fiddles with his fingers, avoiding his gaze. “Tae told me that you told uncle Jin and uncle Joon that we aren’t going over to their place this weekend,” he mumbles. 

Yoongi’s heart sinks. Hoseok sounds disappointed. Of course he is, their weekly family dinners have been part of their routine for years now and then Yoongi suddenly cancels one. But he doesn’t feel like being social right now and he’s sorry that that automatically and directly affects Hoseok. He doesn’t deserve to get a fun time taken away from him just because Yoongi is letting his feelings mess him up. 

He doesn’t even know why they are. Sure, talking to Jeongguk was nice – very nice – while it lasted. Then Yoongi had to go and ruin it. He told himself it was the only option, that it was for the best to end things before they could really even start. But, really, he’s a coward, choosing the safe option instead of the option that will potentially get him hurt. When it comes to love, though, you’re always at a risk of getting hurt no matter what. 

“Don’t be sad, Hobi. You will still see Jiminie and Taehyungie at school. Can’t that be enough for just one week?” Hoseok nods against his side and Yoongi kisses the top of his head. “We can have fun at home just the two of us, can’t we?”

Hoseok nods again, then he sits up to look at Yoongi. “We can cook together!”

Yoongi chuckles. “Yes, we can. Do you have something in mind that you want to make?”

Hoseok hums, giving it serious thought. “I don’t know.”

“Well, you have some time to think of something.”

Yoongi tries his best to stay present for Hoseok’s sake. He doesn’t want him to think something is wrong. It’s easier when he’s busy, like right now. It’s already the weekend and he and Hoseok are in the kitchen preparing dinner. Hoseok decided he wanted to make pizza because he remembered how fun it was at family dinner that time, and said it would be just as fun with just the two of them. Yoongi wasn’t about to argue against that. 

Hoseok is standing on his little stool to be able to reach the counter as he kneads the dough under Yoongi’s instructions. Yoongi stands beside him, supervising. Hoseok is making quick work of the dough, maybe because this time there are no distractions in the form of Taehyung and Jimin. Maybe because he wants to impress Yoongi, to show how capable he is. Maybe a bit of both. 

“Okay, I think we can roll it out now,” Yoongi says. He picks up the dough roller. “Do you want to do it?”

“Yes!” 

Yoongi hands it to him and Hoseok struggles to roll the dough out. It’s hard work for his small arms but he isn’t asking for help so Yoongi leaves him to it and goes to prepare their toppings. When he comes back to Hoseok, the dough resembles a circle well enough. 

“Wow, you did it!” Yoongi says and Hoseok beams. He hands him a spoon and opens the lid to the pizza sauce. “Time to sauce it up.”

Hoseok giggles and sticks the spoon into the jar, then smears a generous amount onto the circle of dough. Yoongi lets him do most of the work, only taking over once it comes time to put the pizza in the oven. Then they sit down on the couch while they wait for it to be done. 

As much as Yoongi loves to spend time with his friends, he enjoys an evening with just him and Hoseok almost more. It’s a good opportunity for them to bond. It also helps that Hoseok loves to spend time with him. He hasn’t gotten to the stage where he will hate Yoongi’s company. It’s something his coworkers have jokingly warned him about, and he isn’t looking forward to it, if a time like that ever comes. Hoseok is still young, Yoongi hopes he has plenty of time. 

“Appa,” Hoseok says, bringing him out of his thoughts. Yoongi hums. “Are you sad because of your brother? I know sometimes you get sad because of him.”

Yoongi told Hoseok when he was old enough to understand about his biological parents, Yoongi’s brother and sister-in-law. At first, Yoongi had been a little worried about what he would think, knowing Yoongi isn’t his real dad, but he didn’t have to worry. 

“You are my parents,” he had told Yoongi and, really, that’s all Yoongi needed to hear.  

Yoongi suspects to this day that he was sadder to hear it was Yoongi’s brother than his biological parents who died in an accident. 

Since then, Yoongi has been open about it. Whenever the anniversary of their deaths or one of their birthdays comes around, Yoongi allows himself to feel sad. He’s told Hoseok all about grief and that it’s good to feel your feelings. And also that just because you’re sad that they’re gone, does not mean you should forget what it was like when they were alive. 

Now, Yoongi chuckles lightly at Hoseok’s comment. “That’s true, sometimes I am, but not right now. Okay? You don’t have to worry about me, Hobi. I’m okay. I’m not sad.”

Hoseok looks at him with big eyes. “Promise?”

“Promise.” Yoongi holds out his pinky finger and Hoseok quickly links it with his own. 

When the pizza is done they sit back down with it on the couch and watch a movie while eating. Yoongi doesn’t normally allow food on the couch - if you’re eating you do it at the table - but it’s the weekend and he feels like he needs to make it up to Hoseok in any way he can for canceling family dinner. 

After finishing their food, they press play on a second movie. It doesn’t take long for Hoseok to fall asleep curled up against him. It’s getting late, around the time when he and Jeongguk would normally talk. They would usually talk mostly in the evenings because it’s when both of them had the time for it, and Yoongi preferred to do it when Hoseok was already asleep. 

But he shouldn’t call Jeongguk again. He should actually delete his number from his phone. That way, when he gets the urge to call or text him, he doesn’t have any way of doing so. He made the decision for them to stop talking, he can’t be the one to go back on his word after only a few days. He found a way to live without Jeongguk once, he should be able to do it again. 

What he doesn’t understand is why it hurts so much. Maybe because they were becoming friends? And losing a friend can be just as painful as losing a romantic partner. But he made the right decision, he keeps telling himself anyway. It’s easier to make himself believe that than to agonize over regrets and what ifs had they continued talking. 

Jeongguk has his career to think about. He’s going on tour. Yoongi is sure he has all these goals and dreams he’s aiming for, and he doesn’t want to be someone that unintentionally keeps Jeongguk from achieving all of it. He’d never do it on purpose but knowing Jeongguk, he would be the one stopping himself from doing things because he doesn’t want to leave Yoongi behind, and Yoongi doesn’t want that. Jeongguk deserves to achieve every professional and personal milestone he could ever aim for. 

It probably would’ve only made it worse had Yoongi actually introduced Jeongguk to Hoseok properly. He only did what was best for them, like Seokjin had advised him to do. He hopes Jeongguk can see it that way. 

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

Three months after Jeongguk left, Yoongi gets a text from him. 

Jeongguk (1:54 pm)

Hi, Yoongi. I’m not sure if you’ve deleted my number by now, but if you have this is Jeongguk. I’m gonna be honest I have deleted and rewritten this text at least four times by now haha. I don’t know how to say what I wanna say, all of it just ends up being me rambling. Oh, I’m rambling again aren’t I. This shouldn’t be as hard as it is. Anyway. I wanted to send you a text with my honest thoughts because I don’t think you would answer the phone if I tried calling. I also think that if I were to hear your voice again, I would come crawling right back. That makes me sound pathetic omg

Okay let’s get this over with I’ve rambled enough. Five years ago when I came home to you sleeping with a child beside you, I was beyond surprised. What was this random child doing in our dorm? When you told me about your brother I couldn’t believe it, I was so sad for you. I had only met him a couple of times but it was enough for me to see what a kind person he was, and what a good brother he was to you. But I didn’t know how to deal with grief, let alone how to deal with someone going through it. That’s not an excuse. I was scared and worried for you and looking back now I can see I went about it in all the wrong ways but I didn’t know what to do back then, it was all so unfamiliar for me. 

The child didn’t help. Sorry I keep saying “the child”. Hoseok. That Hoseok had suddenly been thrust into our lives, into your life, was so difficult for me to come to terms with and I guess understand. Again this isn’t an excuse, I’m just telling you my honest feelings. 

I was scared because I didn’t know what it meant for us. I hid in the practice room that whole week because I didn’t want to face reality. What reality I thought that was, I don’t know. But I am sorry, Yoongi. I am sorry I just abandoned you in your time of need. I think I didn’t really understand what you were going through. I mean how could I? I had never experienced grief like that before, nor had I ever been in a situation where I had to take care of a child that wasn’t mine. 

I was selfish because I wasn’t thinking about you once. I’ll admit it no matter how ashamed I am of it. I only thought about how it would affect me and my training, and how I couldn’t let it affect it. 

When you sat me down to talk, I thought you were breaking up with me. I knew I had been acting awful towards you and I thought you’d had enough. But you told me you were quitting being a trainee and all my worst nightmares seemed to come true at once. You were leaving me, quitting being a trainee because you wanted to take care of Hoseok and I couldn’t understand how. Again, I was only thinking about myself because teenage me was a selfish bastard. Anyway. I can’t remember all of what was said but I know both of us said hurtful things. All I wanted was for things to go back to normal even though deep down I knew they never could. And so I lashed out, to protect myself I guess I don’t know. 

When you left the room I knew that was it. We were over. Maybe in the moment I had overreacted a bit and not a day goes by that I don’t regret leaving the dorm then. I should’ve stayed. We should’ve talked about it more once both of us had calmed down. But in the moment I couldn’t think rationally. So I left and when I came back hours later you were gone and so we’re all your things and I knew I had messed up big time. 

I’m sorry Yoongi, I truly am. That I was young and stupid doesn’t excuse my behavior. Everyday I regret my choices. 

When we reconnected all those months ago, I thought that was my chance to redeem myself. I could show you how much I had grown and matured. But we were avoiding the important things and I was all too happy with forgetting the past altogether. Very healthy I know haha. 

You did the right thing when you cut it off, whatever we had going on. Part of me wanted things to feel like they did back then before the fight. Part of me knew that was impossible. At least as long as I was being stubborn about it. But you didn’t bring anything up either and deep down I knew there was no way for it to end well. And it didn’t. You ended up getting cold feet because I was being pushy. I understand if the reason you didn’t want me to get to know Hoseok has to do with what happened before, how I acted and made you think I hated Hoseok back then. Maybe part of me did, because I felt he took you away from me even before I did that myself. But I need you to know that I really just wanted to get to know him now because he’s your son. Maybe part of it was also because I thought it would help me further to redeem myself in your eyes. I know it doesn’t really work like that and again I went about things in the wrong way. I acknowledge it and apologize 

Anyway, this text is a whole novel at this point so I’ll wrap it up. I hope you read this and I hope you can forgive me eventually. I also hope you delete my number and live a good life. You and Hoseok deserve it. I’m sorry. 

I love you 

It feels like closure.

⋆⋅✧⋅⋆

Hi Jeongguk..

I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do this but it only feels fair since you did it. But why does thinking of the past have to hurt so much? For the longest time I wasn’t able to think about you at all without feeling bitter and angry, and I hated that because I had loved you for so long and then to suddenly resent you.. it hurt. You hurt me. I know I hurt you too and I’m sorry for that, I truly am. 

I’m not sure how to say everything I want to say. I just really wish you had been there for me more. I was struggling so badly. I had barely slept all that week because I needed to figure out what the fuck to do and I would’ve loved to be able to talk to you, to discuss it with you. Without fighting. You said you felt like I was leaving you but I felt like that the moment you stopped coming home frequently. I felt like you had made your decision about the situation, that you clearly wanted nothing to do with Hoseok. And I get that, I do. We were both young and to get a child thrust onto you like that is scary. Believe me, I didn’t know what I was doing either. But, like, come on. We were in a relationship. Weren’t we supposed to make big life-changing decisions together? Because this was a situation that would’ve affected us both. Whether you wanted to stay and raise Hoseok with me, while still being a trainee or if you didn’t want that, we should’ve talked about it. Right? 

Yeah, anyway. 

I feel like I should tell you what I went through after you left but I don’t want to make you feel worse. But at the same time I want you to know. Just know that I'm not doing it to make you feel guilty or hate yourself for what happened. It’s in the past, let’s keep it that way, yeah? So, the short explanation is that I completely fell apart. I fell into a deep depression but I still had Hoseok. I still had to work my fucking ass off to make a decent living to survive. I knew there was no way I would’ve been able to do it as a trainee which is why I chose to quit. And, Jeongguk, it was the hardest fucking decision of my life. Music was my life, it was all I knew and I wanted nothing more than to pursue that with you by my side. But life had other plans for me as it seemed. And I am sorry, okay? I’m so fucking sorry for ruining your life. But you didn’t know. You couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. 

I’m getting heated, I’m sorry. I suppose it’s a good thing we didn’t do this in person huh? We would’ve just screamed at each other like we did back then lol

I feel like I’m just rambling. Not sure if anything I’ve said made sense, hopefully it does. 

I told you this but it took me years to recover and get to the point in my life I am now. And then you show up out of fucking nowhere. I wasn’t expecting much from our initial interaction, I was fully expecting it to be our last. Then you text me and I’m thrown back in time to before our fight. I didn’t know what to do because on one hand I wanted to keep talking to you and on the other I kind of never wanted to see you again. Sorry lol but it’s the truth. I kept having all these conflicting feelings and thoughts all throughout our time talking. And you might be right. I think I was hesitant for you to meet Hoseok because of how you acted in the past. I was also scared to be introduced into the life of an idol. I didn’t want to put Hoseok in that situation. You need to know that I have worked insanely hard to get this life, I didn’t want anything to potentially ruin it. I say ‘ruin’ but I just don’t want to lose Hoseok I guess. He means so much to me, I really hope you can understand that I had to choose him. I realized I had another decision I needed to make and Hoseok always comes first to me. 

I’m really sorry for everything. Since you left I’ve been thinking about everything, both past and present and there are so many things we’ve done wrong when it comes to each other. I know you know that too. 

I suppose I should also tell you that I accept your apology. I can’t forgive you right now but I also hope I can at some point. I hope you can forgive me too. Right now just wasn’t the right time for us to come back into each other’s lives. Right people, wrong time? Maybe?

I hope life only gives you good things from now on. I mean it when I say I will cheer on you and that I’m still incredibly proud of all that you have achieved, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there beside you..

I love you. Goodbye Jeongguk. 

Chapter Text

Yoongi calls down the hall to Hoseok, asking if he’s ready to leave. He doesn’t get a response but seconds later Hoseok runs out of his room, looking frantic. 

“I can’t find my favorite sweater anywhere.” 

His hair is a mess atop his head, probably from dragging his hands through it so many times. Yoongi knows he probably spent a long time doing his hair, and he’s going to be annoyed when he finds out he himself messed it up again. 

“What sweater?” Yoongi asks, slipping his wallet into his pocket. Then he pats the front pocket of his pants, making sure his phone is there.

“The dark blue one. The one you got me for my birthday.” 

Yoongi smiles. Knowing Hoseok appreciates the things Yoongi does for him makes him warm inside. But then again, it’s his son and Yoongi would like to say he did a semi-good job with raising him. Maybe even a good one. 

He focuses back on the problem at hand and racks his brain for a blue sweater. He doesn’t remember seeing it anywhere recently. 

“Have you checked the laundry?” he asks anyway because he knows Hoseok’s definition of ‘searching everywhere’ does not include actually looking everywhere.

Hoseok turns and runs back down the hallway and into the bathroom. Yoongi waits where he stands. A moment later Hoseok’s voice calls, “It’s not here!”

Yoongi shakes his head, having predicted that, and walks into Hoseok’s room and opens his closet. He moves hangers with the wrong clothing item out of the way until he finds the right one. It doesn’t take long, it was practically visible the moment he opened the closet. He takes the hanger off the rack and turns just as Hoseok enters the room. Hoseok exclaims, running up to him and taking the sweater from him. 

“Where did you find it?” He takes it off the hanger and pulls in over his head. His hair gets flattened and he goes over to his floor-length mirror to fix it. 

“It was in your closet. I’m kind of impressed you managed to miss it.”

Hoseok groans. “Don’t make fun of me, I swear it wasn’t there a moment ago when I looked.”

“Sure,” Yoongi says, smirking. 

“I swear, parents have magical abilities when it comes to finding lost things,” Hoseok mumbles to himself as they leave his room and make their way to the entrance hall. Yoongi turns to ask Hoseok one last time if he has everything he needs now but gets interrupted by a knock on the door. They look at each other in confusion. 

“Are you expecting someone?” Hoseok asks. 

Yoongi shakes his head. He takes the last few steps to the door and opens it, and proceeds to gape at whoever it is on the other side. His breath catches in his throat and tears start stinging his eyes. He never expected to see him again. But he thought that the first time too and ended up with him back in his life, however briefly. 

Hoseok is on the floor behind him, tying his shoes up. From the angle he’s sitting at, he can’t see what Yoongi can. “Appa, who is it?”

Yoongi barely registers it, too busy staring at his twice long lost love. Jeongguk is smiling shyly, looking at Yoongi through his lashes. He’s handsome, he always has been, but now he seems to have grown into himself a bit more. Yoongi can’t believe he’s here. 

“Are you not going to say anything?” Jeongguk says, unsure, his smile slowly dropping the longer Yoongi stays quiet. 

“Appa, we’re going to be late.” Hoseok appears at his shoulder and looks at the person Yoongi still has yet to say anything to. He gasps, taking a step back, eyes wide in shock. 

Jeongguk’s eye flick to Hoseok and he gives him a warm smile. Jeon Jeongguk is still very much Hoseok’s biggest inspiration and role model, even eight years later. Yoongi finally shakes himself out of his shock and looks back at Hoseok to make sure he’s okay. He’s staring at Jeongguk with eyes as wide as saucers. Deeming him okay at the moment – he hasn’t fainted – Yoongi turns back to Jeongguk. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks it softly, wants to make sure Jeongguk knows he’s not accusing him of anything. 

“I, um.. Honestly I’m not sure.” He laughs nervously. “But it seems that I’m interrupting. Are you going somewhere?”

“Yeah, we’re going out for dinner with our friends.”

Hoseok appears at his shoulder again, tugging at the hem of Yoongi’s shirt. “Ask him if he wants to come,” he whispers in his ear. 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Yoongi tells him, eyes never leaving Jeongguk’s. Jeongguk quirks an eyebrow, curiously looking between the two. 

“Uhm, well, I’ll just go. I’m sure you don’t want to be late,” Jeongguk says when no one says anything else, pointing behind him and taking a few steps backwards. After keeping eye contact with Yoongi for a few steps, he finally turns and walks down the hall to the elevators.

Yoongi is suddenly hit with a want for him to stay. What if he leaves now and it was Yoongi’s last chance? What then? It doesn’t help that Hoseok is urgently tugging on his shirt and whispering harshly in his ear. Yoongi waves him off and takes a step out into the hall. 

“Wait.” Jeongguk turns. Yoongi hopes he doesn’t regret this. “Would you like to join us for dinner?”

Even from this distance Yoongi can see Jeongguk fighting to keep down a smile. “What about your friends?”

“I’m sure they’ll be happy to meet you.” Hoseok snickers behind him. Yoongi looks at him and they share a mischievous smile. 

When he turns back to Jeongguk, he’s standing right in front of him. Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat a second time. Jeongguk’s soft smile makes him want to melt into a puddle. Even after all this time... He shakes himself out of it quickly, puts on his shoes, grabs his jacket, almost forgets the gift bag but Hoseok grabs it at the last second, then they’re off. 

In the car on the way to the restaurant, Hoseok blabbers a mile a minute about how Jeongguk is his biggest idol. He tells him how he’s the reason he started dancing and is lined up to start a dance academy in the new year. Yoongi is a little scared that Jeongguk might get overwhelmed or, worse, bored. But when he glances over at him, Jeongguk has a big smile on his face as he listens to Hoseok. He is turned in his seat so he can look at Hoseok in the backseat, nodding along to everything he says, giving his own commentary here and there. Yoongi smiles to himself. 

At the restaurant, a waiter leads them to a private room. They always get one whenever they all go out to eat together and today Yoongi is extra glad for it. He thanks the waiter when they arrive at the door and he disappears back down the hall, and Yoongi prepares for chaos when he opens it. Before he does, he turns to Jeongguk. 

“I just want to warn you, our friends are fans of yours. I’m sorry in advance,” Yoongi says with a grimace and opens the door. 

Yoongi and Hoseok step through first and everyone turns to greet them. Jimin and Taehyung rush out of their seats and come over when they spot the gift bag in Hoseok’s hand, but stop short when a third person enters the room. Both twins scream, eerily in unison. Seokjin stumbles out of his seat with a garbled scream of his own. Namjoon is the only composed one, but his eyes grow wide when he sees Jeongguk. 

Yoongi buries his face in his hands. “I warned you,” he tells Jeongguk. It comes out muffled since he says it into his hands but Jeongguk hears him all the same and winces. 

Jeongguk comes to stand beside Yoongi, so close that Yoongi can feel the warmth from him, their arms brushing. He removes his face from his hands and their hands brush when he drops his arms. He fights the urge to grab Jeongguk’s hand to hold and instead focuses back on his friends. The twins are crying, talking over each other about what an honor it is to meet Jeongguk. Seokjin is staring in silence. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, after all, Yoongi thinks. 

Luckily, Namjoon is here to save the day. “Alright, let’s calm down,” he says, placing a hand on each of his son’s shoulders. They quiet down immediately, then bow deeply and apologize. Namjoon shoos them to their seats. Then he approaches Jeongguk and holds out a hand. Jeongguk shakes it. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you. I apologize for my family. If we’d known in advance that you were coming" – he shoots Yoongi a sideways glare and Yoongi smiles sheepishly – "we would’ve had a chance to make a better first impression.”

Jeongguk laughs good-naturedly. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Let’s sit,” Namjoon offers and everyone obliges. Even Seokjin, who has yet to say anything. 

Namjoon does a round of introductions and when Jeongguk finds out it’s the twins’ birthdays, Yoongi can tell he panics a little. 

“I don’t have a present for you guys,” he says with a pointed look at Yoongi. Yoongi shrugs in apology. 

“Don’t worry!” Taehyung rushes to say. 

“You joining us for dinner is the greatest gift either of us could ever get,” Jimin adds. Yoongi thinks he sees Jeongguk’s cheeks turn pink. Cute. 

The rest of the dinner goes normally. Once Seokjin gets over his starstruckness, he joins the conversation like nothing happened. Yoongi is happy to note that Jeongguk gets along great with his friends. Yoongi himself feels warm and content, being surrounded by his favorite people. 

When they arrive back home, Yoongi tells Hoseok to go ahead inside without him, that he’ll be up in a bit. Hoseok looks between them for a moment, then gets out of the car. But not before he’s told Jeongguk at least five times what an honor it was to meet him. Jeongguk tells him the honor was his and Hoseok squeals and quickly shuts the car door. And then they’re alone. 

The silence stretches between them. Yoongi wanted a moment alone with Jeongguk, but now that he has it, he isn’t sure what to say. 

“I didn’t think you’d come back,” he settles on. He hopes the unspoken “to me” is obvious. 

Jeongguk turns to look at him, angling his body so he’s fully facing him. “I never stopped loving you, I hope you know that.”

“Jeongguk…”

Jeongguk doesn’t let him finish. “Everything has been said between us already, right? We got it out of our system back then. So, so let’s just. Start over.” He says it a little urgently, a little desperately, like he needs Yoongi to know where he stands. 

Yoongi smiles and reaches out. He’s careful when he takes Jeongguk’s hand in his, not sure if he’s allowed. Jeongguk assures him he is by slipping his hand into Yoongi’s and squeezing softly. They sit in silence for another moment, both of them staring at their intertwined hands on Jeongguk’s thigh. 

“I never stopped loving you either, Jeonggukie. I think..” He licks his lips, gathering his thoughts. “I think we still had more growing to do, last time. More maturing. I wasn’t ready to forgive and forget and you wanted to forget. I’m sorry I kind of led you on in the beginning, I never apologized for that.”

Jeongguk gives his hand a squeeze as he urges Yoongi to look at him. Yoongi does, meeting his eyes. “I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. I did a long time ago.”

It feels like a weight Yoongi didn’t know he was carrying has been lifted. He smiles softly. “I forgive you, too, Jeongguk. For everything.”

Jeongguk reaches out with his free hand and cups Yoongi's cheek. His gaze on Yoongi is soft, adoring. Yoongi didn’t think it was possible to fall back in love this quickly. Or, maybe, he never fell out of love to begin with. He places his hand over Jeongguk’s on his cheek. 

“You better kiss me if you’re gonna look at me like that.”

Jeongguk smiles and leans in. When their lips are inches apart he says, “You better not regret it.” 

His breath ghosts over Yoongi’s lips and he shivers in anticipation. Then he takes matters into his own hands and closes the last bit of space between them, placing his lips on Jeongguk’s in a soft kiss. Both of them smile into it and it turns into more teeth than lips but neither care. Yoongi is just happy to have Jeongguk again, after all this time.