Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I have your son. One million by tonight, or you’ll never see him again.”

The words were said solemnly in front of a video camera by a man dressed in dark clothes and a mask over his face.

“I am the Ransomer,” the villain said gravely, voice stuttering a little on his self-appointed villain name. “You will never find the kid on your own. Respond immediately, or the kid gets hurt.”

There was a beat of silence, wherein the Ransomer waited for Batman to suddenly come bursting in through the window.

When nothing happened, he sighed and relaxed a little.

The Ransomer hadn’t always been the Ransomer. He’d once been a henchman working under Dr. Sivana, where he’d overheard him complain about the ‘Bat’s son.’ All of a sudden, all of Dr. Sivana’s plots against this random Billy kid started to make sense. Clearly, Dr. Sivana was threatening the Batman through his Batson!

The Ransomer hadn’t intended to do anything with this information at first, but then Captain Marvel had gotten Dr. Sivana arrested again, and he’d found himself unemployed. Then the bills had started coming and coming and coming… 

Which led to now.

The Ransomer stood anxiously by his live-streaming computer, waiting for a sign that he’d caught Batman’s attention.

Meanwhile, the kidnapped boy behind him struggled to undo his bindings. If only he could just get the mouth gag off, then he’d be able to call for Shazam and arrest this kidnapper. Billy Batson didn’t have any time to waste on this nonsense!

He’d almost gotten the mouth gag off. Just a little more…

The Ransomer waited anxiously for a response. He repeated his message again in his best intimidating voice: “Batman. Respond immediately, or the kid gets it.”

Billy managed to struggle out of the mouth gag, and was about to call for Shazam, when the words reached his ears.

“Wait, what?” he blurted out.

The Ransomer startled and whirled around. “How the hell!” he exclaimed.

Billy barely cared that he’d just wasted his chance to escape without notice. He continued to blurt out his thoughts: “Why are you ransoming me off to Batman?” 

The incredulity in his voice made the Ransomer pause.

“Shouldn’t I?”

“Why him of all people?”

“You’re the Bat’s son, right?”

“Yeah? Billy Batson.”

“Is that what you call yourself?”

Billy blushed. “Uh, well. Some people say it’s immature, but I prefer it like that…” William just sounded too formal to him.

“You mean other people call you that too?”

“Well, yeah… Why?”

The Ransomer suddenly felt concerned about Batman’s son’s mental well-being. “Isn’t it a bit reductive to center your identity around your father?”

“What does my father have to do with my name?”

The Ransomer gawked. “You mean you’re not named after him?”

Billy frowned. His father’s name was Clarence Charles, often shortened to C.C. “I was actually named after my paternal grandfather…”

The Ransomer scratched his head. That meant… “So your grandfather was named…?”

“His name was William Batson.”

“Holy shit!” the Ransomer exclaimed. He’d always suspected Batman didn’t have much creativity when it came to names — hence the batgadgets, batarangs, Batmobile, and other bat-objects — but it seemed like it was somewhat of a family curse.

Was the great-grandfather named Batman then?

“Does that mean you’ll name your child Batman?”

“What? Why would I name my child after Batman?”

“Are you two not, uh… close?”

Billy was baffled. “No? Of course not.”

The Ransomer winced, realizing he’d stumbled onto family drama. “Aw man, I’m sorry. That must suck.”

“Not really…? I mean he’s pretty distant with everyone…”

“Really? Even with all his sidekicks?”

“You mean like Robin and stuff? I guess they must be pretty close…”

Did that mean that Batson was not considered part of the Bat ‘Family’? The Ransomer wiped a few compassionate tears away.

“Well,” he said through sniffling, “if not Batman, who else should I ransom you to?”

Billy shook his head. “Sorry man, but I’m an orphan. There’s no one.”

“What? But then, who do you live with?”

“No one, I told you.”

“And Batman doesn’t care at all?”

Billy was starting to get annoyed. “He doesn’t know, and frankly it’s none of his business. Why are you so obsessed with Batman?”

The Ransomer empathized with a child who wanted nothing to do with his absentee father. In a moment of madness, he blurted out: “You want me to beat up Batman for you?”

Billy’s mouth opened and closed soundlessly.

The Ransomer felt the need to defend his abilities. “I can,” he said, “I’ll do it if you ask me.”

“Why would I— No! What? Why would I want Batman to be— What?” Billy stuttered, baffled. “Don’t beat up Batman! Don’t beat up anyone!”

The Ransomer felt his heart soften. Even though Batman was a horrible parent to him, this kid still wanted to protect him. “You’re a good kid.”

“Thanks? Does that mean you’ll let me go?”

“Sorry kid, but there’s bills to be paid.”

“But I already told you there’s no one to ransom!”

The Ransomer thought for a second, then gave in with a sigh. “You know what? You’re right, kid. I should be punching up, not down.”

With his mind changed, the Ransomer went over and carefully untied Billy, even apologizing when he saw the burn marks on his wrists. Billy stood up and stretched his limbs, looking at the Ransomer thoughtfully. In the end, it turned out that this villain wasn’t so bad…

“Thanks,” Billy said with a smile. “I thought you were a creep and a criminal, but turns out you’re just a criminal.”

“Hell yeah I am.” The Ransomer sniffled with emotion, genuinely touched. “Hey, you know what? Next time you see Batman, you tell him he’s a motherfucker and a bastard. For me. Okay?”

“Oh, gee…” Billy flustered a little. “Well, I mean, I guess I can… It’s not like he can really lecture me.”

“That’s right! He’s not your dad,” the Ransomer said viciously.

If Billy had been flustered before, now his face was entirely red. “Yea… yeah! He’s not my dad…” Even saying those words alone felt forbidden.

The Ransomer saw his downturned face and tried to comfort him: “C’mon, Superman’s so much better anyway, right?”

“Uh, I probably shouldn’t rank them…”

“Yeah. Yeah, I get you, kid. Easier not to dream, huh? I understand.”

“What?

“Well, you have a good life out there kid,” the Ransomer said, voice brimming with heartfelt affection for this poor abandoned Batson. “Remember, you deserve to have people who love you, no matter your current situation or what happened with your birth family. And also, remember call Batman a motherfucker and a bastard and kick him in the shins.”

Now, Billy was also tearing up at the words. He sniffled lightly, trying to play it off by glancing away. “Okay, I will.”

The Ransomer turned away dramatically. “Then… it’s farewell, kid.”

“Wait, you’re really letting me go?”

“That’s right.”

The Ransomer waited to hear the Batson’s footsteps as he left, but instead, a hand caught his shirt. The Batson’s face peeked up at him curiously.

“What are you going to do now?” Billy asked. “Are you going to kidnap another kid?”

The Ransomer scratched his chin in thought. “Well… Maybe. I’m not sure.”

“You can’t!” Billy cried out. “You’re a good person! You didn’t hurt me! You let me talk! And now you’re even letting me go! I can tell you don’t want to hurt anyone, so why are you doing this?”

The Ransomer hesitated, then admitted: “I don’t want to do this either, but I need money. I thought it’d be better to get it from Batman who’s always splurging on new gadgets, that way I wouldn’t be stealing from anyone who really needs it…”

“But Batman needs those gadgets to help save people?” Billy said.

“But, but…” the Ransomer’s voice wobbled. “Damn it, you’re right. Bastard he may be, he’s still saving people. How the hell am I supposed to pay my bills?”

Billy patted his back and said in a soothing voice: “Don’t steal from Batman. Steal from Bruce Wayne.”

The Ransomer sniffled then nodded his head. “You’re right. You’re right… I should be kidnapping the Wayne children instead.”

“I… didn’t say anything about kidnapping. But, yeah, sure. Kidnap the youngest, Damian. I heard he’s the easiest to kidnap.”

The Ransomer took out a notepad and wrote down ‘Damian Wayne.’ “Thanks so much, kid. I just knew my life would be turning around if I kidnapped you.”

“No problem.”

On the other side of the video feed, miles away in Gotham City, in the basement of a certain manor…

Silence rang in the Batcave, as the two witnesses stayed speechless at what they’d just seen and heard transpire.

After many more thank you’s, the Ransomer had finally left, on a high of planning his next kidnapping — that of Damian Wayne. He’d even left behind all his equipment — and his previous kidnapping victim.

After a moment, Batman took out his phone and dialed someone.

Through the live-stream, he saw Billy suddenly perk up, then go digging through his pockets and take out a phone.

Billy glanced at the caller ID and made a sour face. He accepted the call. “Hello?”

“Congratulations on your escape,” Batman said.

“Huh? Escape?”

“From the Ransomer.”

Billy’s head turned around and landed on the filming camera. “Holy moly! Is that thing live?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, alright,” Billy accepted it easily. “He was ransoming me off to you, right? Sorry if I worried you. Are you gonna arrest that guy? He let me go and everything.”

Batman didn’t mention Billy convincing the Ransomer to kidnap Damian instead. “We’ll see.”

“Okay, well, tell me if there’s a trial. I’ll testify for him.”

“Noted.”

There was a moment of silence, as Billy waited for Batman to say something else. Meanwhile, Batman struggled to properly explain what had just happened – since, clearly, the truth of the situation had managed to completely fly over Billy’s head for the entirety of his kidnapping.

Finally, he said: “That man was under the impression you are my son.”

“Your son?” Billy was baffled. “Why would he think that? I’m not Robin.”

“No, but you are Batson.”

Billy nodded, still not understanding.

“He understood it as Bat’s son. As in, the son of the Bat.”

“But,” Billy started slowly. “I told him that my grandpa, and the, and,” he stuttered. He thought for a moment. “You’re sure he said Bat’s son?”

“Yes.”

“And… he didn’t just have a speech impediment?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Indeed,” Batman said. “Do you have a hearing impairment?”

“Uh, well… I got struck by lightning a few times? A few hundreds, at least.”

“That would do it.”

Billy was still struggling to recontextualize everything that’d just happened. He said: “So… that means… I don’t have to call you a motherfucker and a bastard?”

“…No.”

“And I don’t have to kick you in the shins either?”

Batman went silent.

“Just checking,” Billy said. “I was already stressing about the next meeting.”

“You would have done it?”

“Of course! I keep my promises.”

Batman didn’t mention Billy hadn’t promised anything.

“If that’s all,” Billy said, glancing at his watch. “I should probably go. I have a fight with Mister Mind scheduled for 5:30.”

Batman grunted.

“Bye-bye Bats. See ya.”

Billy hung up. Through the live-stream, Batman watched as he leaned into the computer and dutifully turned it off. After all, he’d been raised not to waste electricity.

The silence returned to the Batcave.

After having been dealt blow after blow – first with seeing a random kid being ransomed to Batman, then having to witness the absolute nonsense that was the conversation between the kid and the Ransomer, and now having listened to Batman have a casual talk with said kid –, Oracle finally spoke up in a trembling voice: “Batman, who… who is that kid?”

Batman grunted. “Captain Marvel.”

“Cap… He’s Captain Marvel?”

“Hn.”

“That scrawny kid?”

“Yes. He has a magical word that lets him transform.”

“That, he, you…” Oracle stuttered.

“He refused my adoption proposal,” Batman said forlornly. 

That was the final blow. With one last sound of bafflement, Oracle went offline to take a nap.