Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Was it meaningless, C.C.?"

Lelouch asked the question so suddenly that the immortal woman nearly shuddered from surprise, although if she had, she would have just blamed the slight chill in the air, for the autumn season would drift upon them within a few days time.

But regardless of the perfectly viable excuse she could have given or her complete lack of a response, Lelouch knew his question caught C.C. off guard. He could easily see it in the slight twitch of her lips and in the smallest creasing of her brows. At the start of his rebellion, he couldn't read the mysterious woman at all. By now, after everything the two of them had encountered together, the elusive witch was an open book to him.

Had he been in a better mood, the man who once donned the mask of Zero would have laughed at the irony, but his heart was simply too heavy to find any humor in the role reversal.

And so, reading into C.C.'s unspoken command to elaborate, Lelouch repeated the question.

"Was everything we did back then meaningless?"

"Why would you ask something like that now?" The words were muttered in a volume almost inaudible to him with his head resting in her lap. Straining his neck, he fixes his gaze on the face of his...wife.

Lelouch was still having some trouble calling her that, even just in his mind.

His cold, violet eyes flick to the simple wedding band adorning her ring finger to further prove their status as a married couple to himself. He remembers proposing the contract of matrimony a few months after departing from his family, comrades, and former enemies. Having saved Nunnally from Queen Shamna and her troublesome Geass power, he had no reason to remain with everyone.

Aside from their knowledge of his immortal status, nothing changed. Nunnally continued fulfilling her role as the Empress of Britannia, Suzaku continued on as Zero, and everyone else continued to march ahead on their own paths toward the future.

But Lelouch, despite being freer than he had ever been in his life, felt as if he were still trapped in the past. Even now he's haunted by everything he'd done in his quest to re-make the world anew. After actively marking himself for death as the Demon Emperor, the fact he was even alive was strange.

There are times when he can still feel the sharp sting of the sword penetrating his abdomen. In his dreams he smells the metallic stench of his own blood and watches it flow down his hand in remembrance of the terror and peace he felt in having successfully carried out his requiem. The noise of the world around him or even the mission he and C.C. were on didn't erase the memory of how difficult it was to breathe past the pain, let alone speak to Suzaku in the final moments of his human life. Any time he stumbles over his feet in pursuit of his reckless wife he thinks of how he fell, his blood marking a bitter trail behind him as he slid down to Nunnally's side.

Her expression of shock and sudden understanding flash in his mind's eye more often than he cares to count.

C.C. often holds his hand...sometimes he feels Nunnally's hand rather than hers.

He had never wanted her to stain her hands or know sorrow the way he once did.

And yet still, he remembers the serenity of knowing he'd been forgiven and understood by her at the end.

Then he was gone...

For a while there was emptiness.

When he first came back, he wasn't even himself. His consciousness was caught between the void of C's world and his immortal body.

C.C. was there to take care of him as a mother would look after a child during that time.

Eventually, they entered C's world again. It was there all his memories came rushing back. His Geass became active in spite of his immortality, and just like before, he slaughtered the immediate threat in front of him using the gift he'd been bestowed so long ago.

He was himself once again...

And yet he wasn't.

Lelouch knew he was a changed man when he came to himself.

Deep down, he knew he didn't quite belong in the world he continued to inhabit. Though alive, he felt inherently disconnected from the people around him, and even his own feelings to a degree. Bloodshed was a necessity in order to rescue Nunnally, but deception and secrecy, his best utilized tools aside from his Geass ability, were obsolete.

The masks he employed so frequently finally shattered.

Suddenly, transparency and repentance became his greatest assets. He revealed the truth about who he was and who he had been to all the people who had either loved or trusted in him. He owned up to every sin committed and admitted to every betrayal along the way. For the sole purpose of saving his sister, he left everything on the table.

He expected a plethora of different results from these confessions.

Forgiveness wasn't one of them, yet this was the outcome he received.

Former comrades and enemies alike placed their trust in him, and in the end they were victorious. Not a single comrade was lost in the fray. Everyone was able to walk away from the battlefield with joy in their hearts and hope for a peaceful future without further conflicts. Lelouch himself was granted a special moment with his beloved younger sister, the person his initial rebellion was built upon.

He knew he had a home with these people, and he cared deeply for each of them.

Even so...he could not go back with them. He could not return to the world he had once known or be the man he had once been. He wasn't Zero anymore. He wasn't the Demon Emperor either. At this point, he didn't even feel like he could call himself Lelouch. It was why he asked C.C. if she thought L.L. would be a good name for him.

She hasn't called him L.L. once.

Soon after they left to go on a journey all their own, Lelouch came to a terrifying realization.

He was happy. Truly happy for perhaps the first time since his childhood days. He was happy in an almost giddy way spurned on by the woman who put him on the path of blood to begin with. He felt redeemed following along her path toward finding the Geass fragments. Saved.

And then...the guilt started setting in.

He didn't deserve this joy. He didn't deserve this peace of mind.

But Lelouch found he couldn't stop himself from indulging in the simple happiness life with C.C. offered. He couldn't stop himself from proposing they'd spend the rest of their immortal lives together. He couldn't stop himself from smiling when she accepted the offer with tears threatening to spill from the corners of her eyes.

He couldn't stop himself from loving her in ways he had loved no other.

However, with every happy moment came relentless, crippling guilt. Somehow, despite his every intention to die and embrace the fires of Hell, he is still alive and well on earth.

He had shed so much blood. He had caused so many people to suffer in the name of his pride when he accidentally ordered the genocide of hundreds of Japanese civilians seeking refuge in the Specially Administrative Zone Princess Euphemia crafted out of love.

He pulled the trigger on his own sister and stripped Suzaku of the woman he cherished most in an instant as Zero. Suzaku himself will forever bear the mask of the man responsible for sealing his miserable fate.

He broke Nunnally's heart. Out of pain and frustration, she willfully stained her own hands by firing the FLEIJA warheads, killing hundreds of soldiers on both sides.

All of his sins ran on repeat in his mind.

Worst of all, as their travels continued, Lelouch saw that the world hadn't changed too much from the horrible place it had been when he was still attending Ashford Academy. Violence still happened. The weak were still oppressed by the strong. Racism still existed. Even though the world had been unified in their hatred of him, his death didn't erase the issues running deep within all mankind.

He left a scar on the world. He didn't fix anything.

And so, that brings him to the question he's asking his wife now.

"Tell me, C.C. Was it meaningless?"

"Not entirely."

Her answer is so short and curt that all Lelouch can do is sigh in response. "You're never one to beat around the bush with these things."

"Of course not," she replies, gently stroking the top of his head with her hand. "The Zero Requiem was never going to change the world long-term. Human history is that of struggle. Nothing will ever change that fact. However..."

At this, Lelouch raises an eyebrow. "However?"

"I wouldn't say everything you did was meaningless," she tells him, her voice barely above a whisper. "The Zero Requiem, yes. The rest...no."

"Care to explain, witch?"

"Is that any way to talk to your wife?"

Lelouch groans, his face contorting into a pout most unfitting for a former emperor. C.C. chuckles softly in response before quipping, "As childish as ever I see. Some things never change, I suppose."

"C.C..."

"But maybe some people don't change because they are the ones who are meant to change others," she continues, smiling up at the starlit sky. "You changed me, Suzaku, Kallen, the Black Knights, and many of those you counted as enemies. Your life and actions changed their perceptions and helped them come to a place where they could work together and make the difference in the world you couldn't create on your own. You gave people the courage to fight for a better future, not through your 'death' but through your life and how you lived it."

"You talk as if I'm dead."

C.C.'s smile falters a little. "You are. We both are. We are those whose lives are lost in the never-ending flow of eternity. We appear alive, but we are nothing more than walking corpses."

Lelouch lifts himself from C.C.'s lap then. Once facing her fully, he gently places his hands along her shoulders.

"That isn't true."

Her gaze remains downcast. "But it is, Lelouch. You already know that to be the truth. You're still alive but you remember what death felt like. You know you're not supposed to be here, yet you continue to be. That feeling grows with every subsequent death you encounter...deaths I cannot prevent you from experiencing."

His grip tightens slightly on her shoulders. "C.C..."

"But luckily for you...you'll never have to face the tortures of immortality alone." She slowly brings her hands to either side of his face. "Even if I can't save you from the deaths you'll experience, I can comfort your heart in those times of despair. I can do that because I have a human heart again...a heart that wouldn't exist at all without you. That isn't meaningless."

There are no more words for a moment, only quiet breathing as C.C.'s declaration floats between them.

And then, Lelouch surprises himself with a declaration of his own.

"I love you."

He had never said those words to her before, nor had she ever said those words to him. Though they were married, the phrase hadn't been part of the exchange of vows. The words themselves meant little to them, primarily because they expressed their feelings for each other in a fundamentally different way. They had never needed words to know the resounding truths between them.

But in the quiet of this mid-September night, Lelouch can't stop himself from saying what should have been said long ago.

"I love you," he repeats, shocked at himself and needing to say the words again to be sure he actually said them.

C.C. smirks, her eyes softening a bit.

"About time you said it, boy."

Lelouch's hands slide down along her arms as he moves to press his forehead against hers. "Is that any way to talk to your husband?" Staring into C.C.'s honey-colored eyes, he returns her smirk. "Here I am expressing my undying love for you and all you can do is complain."

Eventually his hands find their way to hers on either side of his face. C.C. was ready to make another teasing quip to mask her own feelings, but before she could, Lelouch declared his love for her again...using her real name.

His voice caresses the name tenderly, with warmth, affection, and quiet passion.

C.C.'s heart melts, her breath catches, and tears she locked away in lifetimes long gone fall unbidden.

This is the love she's always wanted.

"C.C.? Did I say it wron...mmph!"

Lelouch didn't get to finish his sentence due to his wife's lips being in the way.

This moment isn't happily ever after. The two immortals will encounter many terrible days full of terror and pain along their journey. Time will eat away at the lives of the one's Lelouch impacted so heavily. Someday, he will be the only one left from this age, and on that day he will mourn.

But he won't be alone.

C.C. smiles against her husband's lips. She knows she won't be alone either.

Amidst the suffering, there will be many days of peace and joy between them.

It is a small happiness, this togetherness they share, but it is enough.