Archive of Our Own ^beta

Barney bit at his nails, despite him claiming he could do it, Gordon wasn’t the type of person to just up and disappear like this. A shaking breath left Barney’s mouth when the answering machine suddenly spoke. “Hey, Gordon Freeman. Leave a message. I’ll call if I need to.” It was such a simple message, heart beating against his chest, he remembered the years of college, where Gordon’s voicemail was consistently changing- at some point he changed it to a more normal one when they moved to New Mexico, he wasn’t happy about it but it was mostly for the ‘Professionalism’. 

He’d joked about getting another phone simply for the fun voicemails. Barney loved the answering machine messages Gordon came up with, he was so funny. Barney slammed his phone down, his seventh call going unanswered, his shaky hands pushing through his hair with worry. Why wasn’t Gordon answering? He always answered Barney’s messages in exactly 4 minutes, but not here, not now. Why? Where was he?

Gordon had been acting strange the last week or so, but he was a tough nut to crack, one that didn’t want to speak about what was troubling him. He could mention he was upset or angry, but he would never talk about the stuff deep down that was hurt. Gordon hadn’t come into work for about two days now, which was unlike him kind of- he had messaged back though, he had texted him- not today though. He was late 90% of the time but he at least tends to be here at work. Barney was going to leave it alone, He needs his space sometimes. But he was worried.

 Barney tapped his foot, he’d felt like he’d called 100 times by now. 

“Pick up the phone.”  Played in his head, over and over. “ Just please pick it up, Gordon.”

Barney looked at his clock that sat on his desk, it was just turning Eight P.M, Gordon would probably be at home by now- no definitely he would be, especially if he hadn’t come into work (idiot), Or at the very least if he went to a bar he’d probably be back by now right? He was always home by now to watch whatever movie he was excited to watch, it was part of his routine- on wednesday he stayed up a little too late to watch movies. Gordon was a big films guy- he barely watched actual T.V shows, but he loved movies, he had a whole damn list of every movie he’d ever watched! Even the ones he hated! 

He’d make his own little reviews, it was organized alphabetically and each genre was its own section. Maybe he was so deep into whatever movie he was watching that he couldn’t answer- Busy. Yea, That’s probably it, right? But there was that sinking feeling. Something was wrong. Barney tried to call once more, but again the call fell. Growling to himself, he grabbed his jacket and slipped his boots on. Rushing out of the dorms. He hated that he lived in the stupid Black Mesa dorms, maybe he’ll fucking move out one of these days it was just convenient but it SUCKED, they didn’t even have an arcade on their side! Gordon had lived here for a while too- but it made him neurotic to be living around the continuous government surveillance. It stressed him out, so he got a lease in the city. 

Barney always thought it was funny, the city was over two hours away. 

“Now you’re going to be even later because you have to drive an extra two hours. They’re going to fire you!” Barney would joke, “Especially with how long you take to get ready.”

“If they fire me I’m looting.” Gordon would always reply, looking at him with a barely noticeable- but noticeable to Barney, smile. Barney always felt lucky to see his smiles. “I’m choosing to ignore that too. I don’t take that long, I just pride myself in my appearance.” 

“Bad job ignoring it when you just replied to it.” He’d get a little friendly shoulder punch for that.

Barney accidentally clipped his shoulder on one of his coworkers as he sped walked towards the trams, knocking him out of the memory. “Watch where you’re going dumbass .” Barney said angrily, despite it being 100% his fault. He heard the guy say something but didn’t care to actually absorb any of it.

He stepped into the tram station, looking at Otis. Barney had no idea why- but he absolutely hated this man. Gordon always thought it was hilarious, Otis was one of the nicer of the guards. He was just some forty year old who made stupid pun jokes and looked like an uncle. Maybe that’s why he hated him, Barney hated his uncle. His uncle was a loser for sure. Not like Barney who was awesome.

“Could you hurry up?” Barney whined, speeding through the sentence, Otis trotted over to the tram call buttons, Otis was always seemingly oblivious to Barney’s obvious disdain for him, Barney HATED that.

Otis took out his card and started to work on calling him a tram. “Somewhere in a hurry Calhoun? Where to?” Otis hummed, small talk. GREAT. He hated small talk. He hated trams too. He hated this stupid facility.

“Just. Somewhere. Hurry up! Freakin’ snail pace…”

“I’m going as fast as I can, Looks like they got a tram heading our way right now though so you’re in luck! Other guy had’te wait half an hour!” Otis smiled up at him.

Barney looked down the tram line, heart still beating a million pumps a minute. At this rate he’d get cardiac arrest. Which would be totally awful and inconvenient. No WAY Otis was trained to handle that. Most of these guards were pretty shit at basic first aid. Otis was now talking about something related to his family. Barney had quickly begun to ignore him- before realizing he should ask something. “Otis.” He interrupted, stopping the middle aged man from talking, “Did Gordon come into work today? You were working on the G-Shift right?”

“Freeman? No he wasn’t at work today. No sign of him!”

“Did he call in?”

Otis thought for a moment. Gathering information from his brain must take SO long when you’re practically 100 years old. “Not that I know of.” He shrugged. Great so no one had seen him since like, a few days ago. As far as he knew he had called in the OTHER two days, but not today. That worried him.

The tram turned the corner, Barney waited so impatiently- practically breaking the door down just to get inside. Not bothering to say ‘goodbye’ to Otis, he hadn’t even been listening to him anymore. He paced, sat down, got up, paced. It was an endless cycle as he thought about everything. Why wouldn’t he answer? Did he suddenly decide he hates him? Did he get murdered? Did Barney do something? Did Eddie do something? Did he get fucked up and end up in a different state again? He’d KNOWN, Gordon had been… off. For a week-ish. But he didn’t know why-

Why why why why why why-

Oh. That’s right.

It was June first. He hadn’t even realized that until this second, Barney had a bad habit of not knowing what month it was- he had a poor sense of time. June… Right. Gordon was always upset in June, Barney never knew why, but he always seemed to be worse.

What an idiot he’d been for forgetting- was Gordon mad at him? Was Gordon doing that thing where he hoped Barney would bring up the fact that he was upset and maybe hang out with him? Gordon was like a wild animal, he didn’t want help- he’d lash out if you tried, so there’s no way that was the case, right? But maybe Gordon was hoping Barney would do it by accident without acknowledging anything was wrong? That’s how Barney did stuff with Gordon usually anyways, He’d realize Gordon was upset, do something stupid like hang out, get him something, ANYTHING, without bringing up whatever he was upset about. It seemed to work, at least that’s what Barney thought. Gordon was never very nice when you tried to have an emotional conversation with him.

Gordon preferred to be distracted than actually go in depth about what his problem was. He remembered in college. Gordon would get… bad depressive episodes. Worse than Barney’s that’s for sure. He’d drink and get high most days, but one thing that helped- which is stupidly dangerous and probably enabling. Barney would get drunk with him. They’d go to a junkyard and smash things like crazy people, they’d run around town doing petty crimes, he remembered the first time they did any graffiti, Gordon had handed him the canister.

“Go on, write something.” He stood back, watching Barney fumble with the paint. The closest he’d ever done to graffiti was writing shit in bathrooms with a permanent marker. To be fair- graffiti was kind of hard to do in a small town because everyone knew who you were. Or maybe it’d be easier? Barney had never done it because he was scared of being caught to be honest. His mom would’ve flipped. So would his dad really. Mostly because they don’t wanna deal with having to pick up their seventeen year old son from the local jail because he decided to write ‘penis’ on Ms. Flamingo’s stupid cafe that wasn’t even good. Okay, maybe he had done real graffiti just one time before now.

Gordon slapped his back, “What are you waiting for a blessing from the president? Spray something!” Barney looked at him, face red from the alcohol, and also uhm… Well his face was red. 

“I’m trying to figure out what to write!” Barney claimed. Of course to not look suspicious he finally got an idea. A muffin. Of course it was a muffin.

“How am I not surprised?” Gordon snatched the paint from him, he had already sprayed a few random things- Gordon’s stupid ‘graffiti’ name was ‘CAPTAIN GALACTIC’, but he had already written that. Barney always made fun of it because it sounded dorky. Gordon thought it sounded cool. Gordon shook the can, spraying a cruddy pie-slice onto the side of the building. “Hard to tell but it’s pumpkin pie.” Gordon looked at Barney, who smiled at him.

“Both our favorite desserts! Epic.” Barney looked into Gordon’s green eyes. Only for a second, Gordon didn’t like eye contact. Gordon smiled back, one of Barney’s favorite facts about Gordon’s smile- was his dimple. He only had one; it was on his right side, Gordon wished he had two- or none, but he only had one. Barney loved that dimple.

Barney blushed to himself, thinking about what had happened that night, his eyes being blinded by the sun hitting his face as he got to the outside portion of the tram ride. God this place was huge. He wishes so badly he had teleportation powers.

He doesn’t know why it happened, but he remembered Gordon’s lips, neither of them were gay- at the time- at all? He doesn’t know. Barney was pretty sure Gordon had kissed him first. Their alcohol fueled tongues pushing together. Barney had pressed Gordon against the alley's brick wall- luckily by then the muffin he was leaning against had dried- mostly anyways, Gordon had gotten SOME paint on his jacket. It was the best kiss he’d ever had. 

Gordon’s hair had always been on the longer side. He curled his fingers in his locks. He wished Gordon hadn’t straightened his hair- Gordon’s hair was naturally curly but he was absolutely shit at taking care of it. It still looked good though. He had opened his eyes to look at his face, Gordon’s eyes were closed, fully lost in the kiss. He had beautiful freckles, it was like looking into a starry sky. 

They had pulled away because of a cop car flying by- chasing someone who was probably speeding. It scared the hell out of them and they released each other- running away from the scene, convinced they were going to be arrested for spray painting stupid shit on a business.

They never ever talked about it after that, and it never happened again. But Barney remembered it clear as day. That was probably the only time Barney had kind of thought about how maybe he wasn’t straight, but he pushed it away. Even now. Luckily he was thrown from his mind when the Tram stopped, it opened up and he swiftly zoomed away from anyone who was trying to talk to him, he had to go so far to get to the stupid parking lot.

He quickly entered his car, checking his cell- still nothing.  Barney drove. He played One Week by Barenaked Ladies on loop- he’d been listening to it a lot recently. The two+ hour drive felt like infinity. He went through memories- he remembered when Gordon briefly lived in Austria- They talked non stop while he was there. Gordon moved to New Mexico sometime after that- claiming he was bored. There was a part of Barney that kind of thought- what if he moved back because he missed him? No, Gordon wasn’t the type to miss anyone… He thinks.

When he got to the city he started making his way to Gordon’s apartment. Despite making enough money to probably live somewhere a little nicer, Gordon lived in a shitty apartment downtown. It wasn’t the WORST you could get, but really not the best either. Gordon said it’s because he doesn’t want to pay for something more expensive when this city could get fucked up from the radioactive garbage Black Mesa is always pumping out. Fair enough, honestly.

He got to the parking lot, stealing Mark’s parking spot. That guy didn’t even have a car but he’d always blow a gasket if he saw you park in that spot. “What if I get a car?!” He will probably never get a damn car. He sat in the car for a minute. Taking his cell out and dialing Gordon’s number again, placing it against his ear. Yet again- it didn’t work. 

He left and locked his car, quickly rushing towards the steps- No, Gordon’s door was 100% locked… He knew Gordon hated it, but he needed to use a window. He ran to the alley way, it was shocking how good Barney was at climbing. He claims it’s because he’s been chased by stray dogs more than once, hiding in a tree is one of the easier ways to get them to leave you alone. Stupid dogs. He found Gordon’s window, he carefully looked around the rim, At some point Gordon had confided in Barney that he put “Traps” by his windows, not dangerous ones, but ones that prevent people from getting inside and maybe so he can catch them red-handed, he had some sort of trauma with people breaking into his stuff. 

When he was a kid someone had broken into their shitty trailer while drunk and it messed him up because it scared him, no one was hurt but. I mean he was like five. It didn’t help that in college during one of Gordon’s ‘I’m moving every 6 months’ problem someone had tried to break into his apartment and gutted themselves on the insulated glass. He always had to let everyone know it was insulated glass- Gordon brought it up every single time. Gordon was pretty upset at finding a dead guy in his apartment. 

Barney was unique though- he knew how to disengage them. Gordon still doesn’t know how the hell Barney figured it out, Barney is just good at some puzzles like that. He unhooked the trap after finding it’s hiding spot and carefully released it. To anyone else it was near impossible to see. Barney grabbed some of his supplies and jimmied the window open. It was locked but Barney was also good at breaking into places. Adrian had taught him some of that honestly- but also he had to break back into his trailer multiple times at home when his dad would lock him outside.

 He slipped into the kitchen, looking around. His face fell a little, it was a mess in here. Gordon wasn’t like- the CLEANEST guy ever, but he was fairly clean. He let a little clutter pile up  but not too much. But it was evident he’d let some stuff go untouched. Barney walked through the apartment, taking his jacket off and tossing it on the couch. There was a stray razor laying out on the coffee table. Barney walked quietly to the hallway and moved towards the back room- where Gordon slept.

He knocked on the door- with a little code. Gordon was always using codes for things. ‘Clink-clunk-knock knock-tap’. He held his breath, scared he’d hear nothing- but he did hear shifting. No answer, but movement. He quickly tried the knob- of course it didn’t work, Gordon locked his room when he slept. He groaned looking up at the vents. They were big enough for Gordon so… maybe enough for Barney too. They were both big dudes. Though Gordon definitely had some sort of bone problem because he could slip into places like a fucking cat. It was terrifying playing hide and seek with him… The way he’d origami himself into the tiniest cupboard you’ve ever seen. It was like a horror movie.

Barney clambered through the vent, quickly making it to Gordon’s room- luckily he was correct in seeing that Gordon was just asleep. He was hugging his pillow, bottles and other random trash cluttering the floor. He slipped through onto the ground, looking Gordon over. His hair wasn’t combed. He stared at him. Relief washing through him. He was alive, at least, and that was better than what he initially thought. 

He sat for a moment, before going back through the vent- and started to clean. Barney hated cleaning, but he liked it a lot more when it was helping his bestie. He focused on this for hours, thinking about what to say- to do. It stayed like that for a while. By the time he was done cleaning it was nearly 2 am. He decided to make Gordon something to eat, knowing Gordon wouldn’t be eating much during a depressive episode… Barney knew that for a fact. Gordon had always struggled with food. Opposite to Barney, Barney could eat an entire thanksgiving dinner in one second and still go back for more. Gordon struggled to keep any type of meal schedule… It was worse in college though.

Gordon didn’t have much, but enough, enough to make something easy anyways. He’d have to force him to go to the store with him one of these days. While he cooked he heard Gordon’s door open, he had left a note on the door before leaving the room so Gordon wasn’t shocked that Barney was here. He heard the bathroom door shut. Barney listened, shaking more spice into the pan.

He remembered when Gordon had cooked for him in college the first time. Gordon didn’t really like cooking- but he was really good at it. He hated when people were in the kitchen with him while he did it though… except when it was Barney. Gordon was a great cook, he made amazing spaghetti, spicy too. Barney had a worse spice tolerance. Gordon thought it was funny, but it’s not his fault his parents never forced him to eat more spice! His dad made some good Vietnamese food but… He never really made it as spicy as the stuff Gordon liked. Gordon could eat a whole ghost pepper and be fine. Barney would choke to death if he tried that… but he always wanted to try one.

It had been after Barney had broken his leg, in college he worked a shitty night shift job at a hospital as a night guard. Place was really haunted, Gordon had broken in a few times to walk around with him. Gordon got away with it because the Guard manager was selling some of the drugs in the cabinets… He didn’t tattle on Gordon and Barney, Barney wouldn’t tattle on him. Crime stuff y'know? 

But it was haunted, Gordon loved haunted shit- but also he was terrified of demons. He wasn’t really scared of ghost ghosts, but he hated the idea of demons, he thought they were a type of faerie. “They’re tricksters who you can call to do evil shit and you can’t trust them. JUST like a faerie. If none of the major religions are correct about god and stuff- Demons are definitely just faeries… not pixies, those are different type of fae.” He’d say, He was always making shit up about how he has 100% been around people chanting in robes. He thinks Gordon has a bad habit of thinking his dreams are memories. 

One of the nights Barney had been walking around alone one of the patients who was in for a concussion had wandered out of her room. Barney was trying to locate her and bring her back to the nurses who had also been on watch. He saw her enter the elevator…

But it hadn’t really been her. He entered the elevator and it was completely empty. He even peaked up at the top! But nothing! Then he had gotten a call on his radio- she was found downstairs. She had used the stairs to leave the 3rd floor… Not the elevator. He’d been tricked. Right when he’d realized that it fell. He was lucky to be alive, honestly, he got out of that with a concussion and a broken leg.

Gordon had never cooked for him  before, but a few days into his recovery he did. He cooked him a meal, he let Barney stay in the room because Barney was still loopy from the meds and would start crying when Gordon wasn’t there with him, acting like a small kitten who’s mom was in the other room. Barney was sat on the counter, listening to Gordon sing, Gordon’s hair was up in a high ponytail and he was wearing the stupid “Kiss the CO O CK” apron that Barney had “made himself”. He kind of expected Gordon to be shit at cooking, honestly, the guy mostly ate pop tarts and candy (Despite claiming he ‘didn’t have a sweet tooth’… says the guy who carries Banana Laffy Taffy in his pockets to every location).

It was amazing… probably the best food Barney had ever tasted. He always wished Gordon would cook more often- but it was a fairly rare occasion. At some point in New Mexico he had cooked for Barney. Barney had been having a bad week because his car broke down (Again… and this time it wasn’t his fault). Gordon never… he wasn’t good at showing affection. But Barney knew he was showing it when Gordon would randomly decide to cook for him. It gave Barney little butterflies. Gordon knew all his favorite recipes- but Gordon could make just about anything and Barney would eat 99% of it. Gordon always made extra so Barney could Tupperware it and eat it over the course of a few days.

Gordon finally finished his five minute washing his hands session, waddling out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. Barney turned the music down and glanced at him. Gordon’s hair was a mess, knotted and messy, He had dark circles under his eyes and he wasn’t wearing his glasses or his eyepatch. “Hey.” He said dryly. Walking over to the fridge and taking a soda out. Barqs rootbeer, a classic. 

“Hi.” Barney said softly. Gordon opened the soda and sipped at it. Staring at Barney. Barney knew Gordon couldn’t see him very well- Gordon was nearly legally blind. He could barely see shit half the time. It was worse now with the missing eye…

Barney put the pan in place, it could sit for a minute. “Where are your glasses?”

“Broken.” Gordon looked away finally. Staring at his can of soda.

“Where are your spares?”

Gordon sat there for a moment. “Uhh.” He buffered. “I think… uh.” He obviously didn’t know.

“Stay there I’ll go grab em.” Barney walked out of the kitchen. Back to Gordon’s room. He could get a better look now that he wasn’t scared of waking Gordon up- he’d have to clean this later too... Looks like Gordon had a meltdown at some point. Gordon would get so angry he’d break shit… even stuff he liked. He walked over to Gordon’s shitty makeshift vanity (A Table with a mirror slapped on top of it, a dangerous item). He opened the chest underneath the vanity and moved nail polish and makeup out of the way, grabbing his spares. Barney almost always knew where Gordon’s shit was. Gordon was really bad at organizing his stuff. But only if it was in his room. His kitchen cupboards had to be  ~ perfect ~ and he’d pitch a fit if Barney put something in the wrong place.

He walked back in. Gordon was now sitting on top of the counter near the stove. Barney walked over and stood in front of him, moving his hand up and slipping the glasses onto him. “Better?” He asked.

Gordon nodded. Barney continued to cook. Gordon watched in silence for a bit, silently sipping his soda. He broke the silence finally when Barney started to put the plate together. “Sorry.” He mumbled. Barney didn’t look at him. “You called, didn't you?” He asked.

Barney nodded, trying to stay emotionless in his face. Gordon fell quiet again, sipping his soda before speaking again.. “It uh… ran out. Of Battery. Didn’t hear anything or I would’ve answered.” Barney nodded again.

Barney brought the food out to the living room, coming back in to grab a couple of sodas. He walked over to Gordon. “Want me to carry you?” He asked. Gordon contemplated this before nodding. Barney scooped him up. They were both 6” foot plus men who were fat- Gordon was always so shocked that Barney could pick him up. But he was strong. He leaned his head for a moment on Barney’s shoulder. Barney carried him in and sat him on the couch. Sitting with him. 

“You need to eat something man.” Barney said, lifting the plate and handing it to him. Gordon looked at it, puzzling together whether or not he would. Tenseness in the air.

“You didn’t…need to cook anything.”

“Well it’s a bit late to go anywhere right now.” Barney grabbed the remote, lowering the volume and finding Die Hard, putting it on. “Eat.”

Gordon would usually fight what he assumed was a ‘command’ but he didn’t. Eating in silence, staring at the screen. It was like that for a bit. When Gordon finished his food he placed the plate on the table softly. Neither of them moved much. Before Gordon leaned onto Barney, placing his head on his shoulder again. “It’s June.”

“Huh? Oh. Yea… I know.” Barney put an arm around him. “I realized after work…” 

Gordon sinked closer into him. “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for…”

Gordon didn’t say anything after that for a moment. They watched the movie, just staying in each other's presence for a bit. When the movie was over Gordon looked around. “Damn… You didn’t have to clean. Want me to pay you?”

“Why would I want you to pay me?” Barney chuckled, grabbing the dishes, Gordon followed him into the kitchen. 

“This place looked like shit man. Let me pay you like. What 15 bucks?”

Barney gave him a look. 

“20?”

“Nothing!” Barney smiled, “I don’t WANT you to pay me, idiot.” He started the sink. Gordon stared at him.

“Let me do the dishes then.”

Barney shook his head, “It’s been YEARS, dude, We talked about this, I do the dishes. Don’t you WANT someone to do stuff for you?” He joked. Gordon always wanted to slack off- to let someone do all the work. But for some reason with Barney he fought it like his life depended on it. “Plus, you’re allergic to dish soap.” He hummed, “and you always freak out when you touch the sponge or scrape the sponge against the crusty spots and-”

“I get it.” Gordon huffed, he didn’t sound genuinely angry, just a bit disappointed. He walked over though. Leaning behind Barney, watching him clean. Gordon stood there. Barney could feel his breath hitting the back of his neck. Gordon moved closer, Barney blushed a little- Gordon’s hands reached around him. Hugging him from behind and placing his head on his shoulder again.

Barney did the dishes like that, sometimes glancing at him. He started to talk, breaking the silence and talking about something stupid that happened during work. Gordon listened, sometimes chuckling into him. Squeezing his arms around him. When Barney was done, they hung out in the living room, Barney didn’t want to make Gordon more upset. “You’re not tired huh?”

“Noooope” Gordon said, “I was uh. Going to take a nap. At like. 4pm… Well I did and. Now it’s late as shit.”

Barney chuckled “Dumbass.” He smiled. “Maybe we can have some weed and try and sleep? I don’t think you need to be awake all day. Especially when you’re going back to work.

“... Are you going to go back to work?”

“Not tomorrow. I’ll call in for both of us- mister no-call.” Barney said, scooping his best friend up. They walked into Gordon’s room. “Plus god knows I need a break.”

“Need a break? You miss work all the time asshole. I’m surprised they haven’t hunted you for sport at this point.”

“I’m surprised too T.B.H I think it’s because I’m just too awesome. They can’t fire me or they’ll lose their best guard.”

“Don’t say acronyms I.R.L you sound like a dumbass… and I don’t know if they’d consider you their best guard, or even a good one. You’re shit at your job.”

Barney stuck his tongue out, tossing Gordon at his bed, Gordon felt his face heat up- lucky for him it wasn’t easy to tell. “Naaah you wouldn’t understand, They ALL like me man. Except for you stuffy scientists.” Barney found Gordon’s drug stash, ignoring the other shit and grabbing the weed. “Let’s get that zaza baby! 420 blaze it!”

Gordon rolled his eye at the cringy-ness, but he was used to it, sitting back against the headboard. Barney strutted over. Sitting next to him. They smoked together, not too much, but enough to feel nice and floaty. “Am I allowed to sleep in here tonight?” Barney asked.

Barney asked every time; Gordon had a problem sleeping in the same place as people.  Especially alone. Especially in June. It’s why he locked his door. Gordon sat for a moment, pondering. “Yea. You can sleep in here.”

“Okay… but remember if you’re uncomfortable I can sleep on the floor- or the end of the bed like a dog. Or the couch or-”

“I know. Barney.” He smiled, bringing him into a hug. “But I… I want you here.” He said. He was allowed to be honest because he was now TECHNICALLY high, compromised. He was allowed to get a little affectionate. Though, he hadn’t said what he really thought “I need you here.”

Barney smiled. They goofed off for a bit, they played Mad Libs, Gordon loved mad libs- he collected them like baseball cards. The amount of mad lib books he owned was insane. Gordon loved forcing Barney to try and pronounce the hardest adjectives or nouns or- basically anything at all that you’ve ever heard of. Barney also loved Mad Libs, they reminded him of childhood.

When they finally decided to sleep the sun was already starting to peek through the room. Barney hid the outside world with the blinds and curtains- then they both walked around the entire apartment and checked every single window. Gordon couldn’t sleep if he didn’t. Luckily Barney had remembered to re-engage the trap from the window he’d entered from. Then they went back to the room. “Shirt off or on?” Barney asked, pointing to himself. Barney usually slept in just his boxers.

“Off. I always say off I think I’m used to seeing your tits by now.” Gordon chucked. “Plus you’ve seen mine.”

“Jeeze is it a crime to make sure you're comfortable?” Barney said jokingly, ripping his stupid t-shirt off and onto the floor. Gordon blushed a little at that end bit. Pretending to NOT think about Gordon’s boobs. Don’t do that, straight guys don’t do that, straight guys also don’t kiss your friend homoerotically while drunk- damn it stop thinking about it! You’re high! Go away!

“Pants or no pants?” He broke his train of thought.

“Barney, I don't care. You've slept with me like that before. Whatever you want.”

“I’ve SLEPT WITH YOU?? Daaaamn,” Barney joked, tearing his jeans off. Gordon in response threw an empty plastic water bottle at him. Barney managed to slap it away mid-air. “GOTCHA, I’m just like a ninja dude.”

“Yea the worst ninja of all time.”

“You’re just jealous of my moves, Pirate Boy.”

He walked over to the bed, Gordon’s eye scanning Barney a little bit, God damn was his friend hairy. He always had been but… He always wished Testosterone had given him that much hair. Why is Barney so lucky, He was crazy hairy even BEFORE he was on T apparently, that’s not fair! Yea Gordon had chest hair but… It wasn’t the same. It was all in one spot basically… Doesn’t help that the curls crunch up- making it look like way less. Meanwhile you could mistake Barney for Bigfoot. He chuckled at that.

“What are you chuckling about?” Barney asked, Unaware of his friends ogling staring.

“You’re so hairy you could be mistaken for Bigfoot in the right low quality frames.”

Barney snorted a little, Turning the box-fan on, “That’d be so funny. Everyone would be freaking out about a new bigfoot sighting but it’s just some guy naked in the woods.”

“I’m curious, why would you be naked in the woods?” He watched Barney.

“Skinny dipping but a… Bird stole my clothes and I had to go back to the cabin. And some weirdo with bad eyesight- maybe with no glasses on and an eye patch mistook me for Bigfoot.”

“I would be smart enough to know it was you.” 

“I never said it WAS you.” Barney walked to the closet, Gordon didn’t even entirely realize he was. 

“Implication. But I would know because I’d probably be skinny dipping with you.”  Barney blushed at the thought, digging around inside. Gordon finally realized he was shuffling about in there.

“What are you doing?”

“Well I was thinking-” He grabbed something, popping out of the closet and closing it. “Maybe tonight you can have Baby Garfield!” Barney waved a dilapidated well-loved Garfield stuffed animal around. Baby Garfield has been with Gordon since he was like. Four years old. He tossed Baby Garfield at him.

“Be careful with him!” Gordon said, a little annoyed, catching him easily, he looked at the plush- almost like he was making sure he was okay, before tucking it into his arms. Watching Barney walk back over.

“ Sorry ! But you caught him. I knew you could. Not my fault if you didn’t think you could’ve.” He winked.

He flopped onto the bed, turning the lamp off beside him and rolling over to face Gordon. Gordon took his glasses off and placed them onto the nightstand. Barney laid there for a moment, waiting, Gordon had to be the one to initiate stuff like this- Gordon moved close to Barney and wrapped his arms around him. Gordon and him didn’t cuddle very often- mostly because Barney didn’t sleep in his bed all the time. But whenever he was here they’d cuddle. Gordon was… a lot less- insecure , about cuddling with another man than he used to be.

Gordon was naturally a little spoon, he would never admit it- not right now anyway, or any time soon, or even to himself, but he loved being held tenderly. He cuddled his face into  Barney’s neck.

“...Sorry again.” Gordon spoke into the darkness.

“It’s okay man…” Barney said. He’d talk to him more about this tomorrow. “Night. I love you. Sweet dreams.”

“Night… Love you. Sweet dreams.” 

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Barney hummed, he said that all the time now- especially when he thought about that apartment Gordon had in college… the one with bed bugs… that was horrible.

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Gordon placed a soft kiss on his chin. Barney blushed- and closed his eyes.

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Surprisingly Barney fell asleep first. 

Gordon listened to the darkness- the white noise of the fan. Hiding his face further into Barney’s neck. Breathing in his scent. Gordon was bad at this, at trusting, at wanting somewhere there with him. Why did he feel guilty? He NEVER felt guilty, but he always did with Barney. Barney should have a friend who won’t go missing because he’s sad, a friend who freaks out at every little thing. He sniffed, and held back the urge to cry. He fell asleep not long after though… Why did Barney care so much for him? He squished closer to him though, crushing Baby Garfield a little bit.

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In the morning Barney woke up, He looked at Gordon’s face, he leaned down and gave him a smooch on the forehead before getting up. He went to the bathroom and everything. He looked at the time- he called Black Mesa, calling them both out of work. It wasn’t the First time he’d called for both of them. He tossed on his sweats and a shirt and left the apartment, just popping by the store nearby to grab some breakfast stuff and new shampoo/conditioner for his shower. He came back and Gordon was still asleep, Awesome. He cooked breakfast, a breakfast burrito- Gordon’s favorite type of breakfast food.

Gordon woke up, missing his friend beside him, he waddled out much like last night, but went immediately to the kitchen. Finding Barney and wrapping himself around him like before. They talked like that, Barney rambling about a stupid dream he had. 

“I wonder what a psychologist would say about that.” Gordon said into his neck.

“Nothin’ Cuz psychologists aren’t dream doctors.”

“... Dream Doctors?” Gordon laughed. “What the hell is that?”

“Uhh Like those people who think dreams have meaning?”

“I don’t think that’s what they’re called.” 

Barney blows a raspberry, “Whatever! I don’t know. Either way psychologists wouldn’t be able to understand what MY dreams mean…”

Gordon nodded, eyeing the burrito. “I could figure it out. Meaning: You’re a loser.”

“WHAT! I’m awesome! You know I’m awesome. Le Awesome Sauce.”

“Sometimes I think you just say things and don’t think about it at all.”

“Yes ♥." He started work on actually making these burrito shapes. When he was done he turned around- still in Gordon’s arms who haven’t left him since he got here. “We gonna go eat or are you just gonna keep holding onto me?”

Gordon blushed a little bit. “Shut up. We can go eat.” He let go, hiding his face by grabbing something to drink and chuckling a little. Barney smiled and followed him out into the living room. 

Despite it being like, 2pm, it felt like an early morning. They ate beside each other. Barney finished first- practically inhaling his food. Barney then left to go grab the comb, brush and de-tangling spray from the bathroom. Coming back in and lifting Gordon onto his lap. Gordon didn’t complain or anything, still eating and focused on the t.v. This was fairly common, to be honest. Barney started slowly brushing and combing at Gordon’s hair, who hummed happily. Gordon liked getting his hair combed. Barney knew how to make sure it didn’t hurt. Usually Gordon would tear his hair to shreds and then throw it in a messy ponytail, he’d straighten his hair to make it “easier to manage”. He’s never been good at it, he was too impatient. 

Gordon finished eating before Barney was done brushing his hair, placing his plate on the couch and letting him continue his work. “You should shower after this.” Barney said, “You’re smelly.”

“Still less smelly than you are.”

“That’s not even true!” 

Gordon chuckled. “Yea I’ll shower. Remember to not use the sink while I’m in there or I’ll actually strangle you to death.”

“Aye Aye Captain.”

After his hair was fully brushed, Gordon stood up. Barney pretends he didn’t just stare at the face-full of ass right in front of him and starts cleaning the brush and comb of all of the Hair that Gordon shed. “Good lord you’re like a dog shedding in the summer.”

“Say that in your accent.”

“What?”

“Say that in your real VOICE idiot!”

Barney blushed. “Fiiiine.”  He cleared his throat. His voice lowered into his southern twang,  “Good lord you’re like a dog shedding in the summer. There. Ya happy?”

“Very.” Gordon smiled, “See ya in a bit, space cowboy.” He hummed, Grabbing a pair of clothing from his room  before walking to the bathroom.

Gordon was one of the only people besides, like, some family who knew he had an accent. He stopped… He started using a different voice when his best friend in Third Grade called it ugly. Stupid new york kid moving to a southern town complaining about the SOUTHERN TOWN. But Barney was self conscious of it. So usually he… just talked in a different voice. It was ‘Socially engineered’, he’d like to say. To everyone else he sounded like some stupid gamer with a higher pitch- But Gordon liked his accent. So sometimes… he got to hear it. It was special.

Gordon was in there for a while- so Barney took this time to clean Gordon’s room, he KNEW he’d bitch about it but he didn’t care. Cleaning up the things that were broken, anything he thought could be fixed he moved to the side. He was pretty good with time management when it wasn’t work related it seems, because he finished right as Gordon left the bathroom. 

“God damn it Barney you didn’t need to clean my room too.” He said once he saw it, walking in as Barney finished tying the last garbage bag.

“I know I did it cuz I wanted to. If I didn’t want to I’d just burn the whole apartment to the ground.” He slipped past him, walking out to the alleyway with the bag. Gordon looked around his room. His smirk dropped a little. He wished he didn’t do this sometimes. He always joked that breaking shit and screaming got him what he wanted, but that wasn’t really true. A lot of things he thought was fine wasn’t. He lived life just like that, Just keep doing everything you’ve always done and never change and then you die.

He sat on the edge of his bed. Staring at the floor. Maybe he could change something, one thing, maybe he could tell Barney what was wrong. If Barney reacted badly Gordon would just jump out the window… A three story fall wouldn’t kill him but he could then run directly into the road… or disappear into the sewer with the frog people? No. They didn’t want him. He sat there, stuck in his head, stuck in place. When Barney was back from washing his hands he stood at the doorway of his room. Staring at his best friend who was deep in thought. “What’re you thinking about?”

Gordon looked up at him, his eye locking onto his eyes. He looked at Barney’s ‘Special’ Eye, it was his right eye, a blue with bits of brown… It was beautiful. Barney was beautiful. “Comere.” He said, looking back at the ground. “Sit on my blindside.” Barney obeyed, he sat on his left. 

“...How do you feel?” He asked Barney. Barney looked at the ground. “I don’t mean right this second. I mean in general. Like…” He tapered off, thinking carefully. “Last night. How did… How did I make you feel?”

Barney paused. Thirty seconds felt like ten years. “Scared. You scared me.”

“...Why?”

Barney looked at his shoes. “I… You weren’t answering, you hadn’t told me what you’d be doing, You didn’t…reach out the whole few days you were gone. And it scared me. I was scared you were hurt or…dead. Or something.”

“Dead?”

“I’m not dumb, Gordon, I know you’ve…” He looked at him, knowing Gordon can’t see him. “You’ve tried.”

They sat silently after that for a moment. “You’ve done that before- disappeared I mean. Scared me! Like when you disappeared after getting wasted and it turns out you woke up in the trash compactor? That scared the hell out of me.”

“What do you want me to do.” Gordon asked. Barney at first was going to immediately take it as a negative thing- but he stopped himself.

“What do you mean?”

“What… What do you want me to do to- make you less… scared? If It happens again?”

Barney sat back a bit. “Keep your phone charged… maybe get another burner phone but it’s just for checking in just in case your other one is out… or just… Tell me you aren’t… doing good. Even if you don’t reply I want to know, so I can check on you.”

“It’s not like I want to know where you are 24/7, we’re adults, I just want to know you’re okay and to know when you’re not.”

Gordon mindlessly picked at his nails. Ruining the well cared for nails. “I can do that.” He said. Gordon was bad at changing- but he. He’d done this before. He knew it scared Barney, he just. They never talked about it, not really. Gordon would go “I’m sorry I did that” but nothing deeper than that. It was hard, especially when Gordon knew he… He blew up at people. For stupid shit a lot of the time.

Barney shuffled closer. “And you know you don’t have to. Like. Tell me what’s wrong, in detail, I don’t want to force you to have a conversation I just. Wish we could. Be honest, with that stuff? Like. You can just say you’re upset. I do that with you all the time and we just hang out, can’t we do that with you too?”

Gordon refused to look at him still, eye falling next to him where Baby Garfield was still lying squished against the pillow. He grabbed the plush toy and help him in his hands, rubbing his fingers against the fabric. He needed to be cleaned- and maybe stitched up in a few places. “We can Try. It’s just. Hard, I’ve never had-” He lost his wording.

“No, I get it. Me either really. I mean- especially when I was younger. You kinda just sucked it up y'know? Dealt with it yourself. Just like me.” Barney sat closer. Almost touching him, “But like… We’ve been buddies for years. We can probably at least KIND of be honest.” He said the last part jokingly, but he knew he had a similar issue to Gordon, he’d bottle everything up and just. Ignore it. But maybe that’s worse.

“Yea…” Gordon pets the toy. “I’ll uh. Try.”

“Me too.” Barney said, “I know I do the same thing sometimes.”

“Yea- we’re kinda fucked up huh?”

“A little.”

Barney carefully reached over. Holding Gordon’s hand. Rubbing circles along with his thumb, a minute or so moved by. Gordon stayed staring away, holding it back for a moment. Gordon was obviously thinking through something in his mind. “It’s June.” He said. His voice cracked a bit. “I’m always worse in June.” 

“I know.” Barney said, he didn’t press, he could hear the wavering in his voice.

“I can’t- I don’t want to. Talk about why.” He said, finally looking at Barney, Barney nodded, not pressing. “But… when I was in Washington, before college- 18. Something really bad happened. Before I graduated. First week of June.” He went to look away, but Barney reached up and held his face in his hand. Wiping a tear that was sneaking it’s way down his cheek- Gordon didn’t even realize a tear had started to fall.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened. I just want to be here with you. Okay?” Barney said, Soft. Gordon nodded, his other hand reaching up to hold the one on his face. Gordon never cried around him- no, not unless he was drunk or high or. Prone in general. But here right now the floodgates opened. Tears poured down his cheeks. He felt stupid, something so… small. Not even getting into WHAT happened- just the mere mention of it, made him cry. Or maybe he was crying because he had finally done that bare minimum, being fucking honest that he wasn’t okay, that something had happened, that something was bad. That his life was 100% perfect- though anyone could guess that.

He wasn’t okay, he’s never been okay. But maybe admitting it was the first step. Maybe next time, he’ll make sure his phone is charged. And He’ll pick the fucker up.