Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mikey’s eyes opened, his limbs aching with exhaustion as if he hadn’t just gotten a full night’s rest. He sat up in his hammock, stretching out his arms until they make a popping sound.

Today marked three weeks since the Kraang invaded New York.

Pain pulsed through his head, but he ignored it. It felt like he’d woken up with a headache every day since the invasion.

He didn’t give himself much time to wake up or relax in his hammock-bed, instead, he immediately pushed himself out of the bed and to his feet. He stretched again, his hand brushing across the bandages wrapped tightly around both of his arms. His arms hadn’t bled since the first few days after the invasion, but he had decided to keep them wrapped anyway.

As usual, no one was awake as he pushed open the door to his subway car. He walked through an eerily silent lair, ignoring the melancholy air of the place. It was just like any other day, it’d been like this ever since that day.

Mikey scratched at his wrist absentmindedly, fiddling with the bandages he had not-so professionally wrapped around his arms as he stepped into the kitchen. 

He quite enjoyed making breakfast for his family each morning. Breakfast in general just might be his favorite thing to make. It was so diverse, yet so simple. It was easy to slip into a trance each morning when he stood over the stove, expertly making everything just the way his family liked it, muscle memory taking over him from years of experience.

He went with a classic that tended to be his default when he wasn’t quite sure what to do: pancakes.

He didn’t even need to think. He could do it blindfolded, and he has.

Leo’s was the easiest. As with everything, Leo liked it absolutely drenched in chocolate. There was almost always a full bottle of chocolate sauce in the fridge, even though the stock was always burned through within a week. Mikey liked to add chocolate shavings on to top it off.

Raph liked his pancakes slightly overcooked so they had a crunch to them. Mikey didn’t put anything on top of them, as the snapping turtle changed what he wanted with them depending on what he was feeling every time he was served pancakes. It usually jumped between different combinations of assorted fruits, syrup, powdered sugar, and other classics. Mikey knew that his oldest brother tended to lean towards strawberries, so he made sure to leave a bowl of them out on the table near Raph’s seat.

Donnie always got the same thing. It was the only dish that Mikey tended to carefully monitor to be sure that it was cooked to the exact amount that Donnie liked it. Mikey would bake bananas into the pancakes (bancakes, as Leo tended to call them, much to Donnie’s dismay), always for just the right amount of time as to not burn the fruits while still having the pancake cooked all the way through. Mikey also put banana slices on top, of course, with syrup on the side.

Although Splinter never really joined them for breakfast, Mikey liked to make him a few pancakes to set in the fridge. The box turtle didn’t even need to tell the rat man they were there waiting for him, as by the time Mikey returned to the kitchen the next morning, they were already gone.

Once Mikey had finished setting up breakfast, the lair was still quiet. His brothers were awake by then, but the lair held onto that eerie, empty feeling.

Mikey ignored it. He sighed, put on a smile, and headed off to get his brothers.

Before the invasion, they’d gradually trickle into the kitchen one by one as they woke up, and Mikey made their breakfasts in order so they would be ready as soon as each turtle arrived. They’d stopped doing that after the invasion, though, and Mikey had grown used to fetching them himself.

He missed when he could talk to Raph each morning, who was always up first, as he made breakfast for the others. He missed when Leo would stumble in, making some stupid pun about whatever Mikey had made before absolutely inhaling it without hesitation. He missed when Donnie would walk in last, borderline running to the counter to drink the mug of coffee that Mikey always had ready for him.

The mornings were so much quieter now.

Mikey stepped into the Medbay — ignoring the icky, discomforting feeling he always got when entering the dull and colorless room.

On the bed, as he had been for the weeks since the invasion, was his blue-themed brother. Leo was already wide awake, sitting up and smiling. Mikey didn’t fail to notice the bags under his eyes. “Morning, hermano!” 

Leo had suffered the most injuries from the invasion. He was in a coma for a few days after the fact, and had been confined to the Medbay since he awoke. Thanks to his mutation, his body naturally healed faster than a human would from his injuries, but Donnie insisted they keep him there for a while longer to make sure he was absolutely, positively fine.

Today, as had been decided around a week ago, was the day Leo would be allowed to go back to sleeping in his own room and start physical therapy with Donnie.

Among the many injuries that he had received from his (thankfully short) time in the prison dimension, the ones most persistent were the injuries he sustained to his left knee. Although Leo could walk on his own, he struggled, and had been using a crutch to help him get around. He had a limp that — according to Donnie — would likely persist for quite a while.

Mikey smiled at his older brother, retrieving his brother’s crutch from where it rested next to the doorway. “Good morning, Leo.”

The slider was technically able to get up on his own, but the thought of something happening to him with no one there to help him was not a pleasant one. Leo didn't walk anywhere without someone with him to catch him if he fell. It was Raph who had insisted on putting this system in place, and although Leo disliked it, Mikey could tell that he didn’t really mind as long as it put his older brother at ease.

Leo lifted the blankets, turning to let his feet dangle off the bed. Mikey handed him his crutch and helped steady him as the slider pushed off the bed and onto the floor. Leo leaned onto the crutch, still grabbing onto Mikey’s bandaged arm for support. His arm stung slightly, but Mikey didn’t say anything.

Mikey led his older brother out of the Medbay. Eventually, Leo let go of Mikey’s arm, and Mikey slowed his pace to walk next to the slider.

Despite everything, Leo was smiling. “Are ya’ glad to see me get off of house arrest today?” The slider grinned at his little brother.

“House arrest??” 

“Medbay arrest, technically.”

Mikey smiled at his older brother, laughing quietly, but it wasn't genuine. He was too distracted by the way that Leo wasn’t really smiling. Leo always had a habit of making jokes out of the worst situations, and he could tell just by looking at his brother if he was really happy or not. He wasn’t.

Mikey didn’t get to dwell on it too long as they reached the kitchen, taking Leo’s crutch once the slider sat down. “I’m gonna go get Donnie, alright?” He told Leo, as if this wasn’t the routine as it had been for the past three weeks.

The slider nodded, “Tell him to be quick, before I steal his breakfast.”

Mikey didn't respond to his brother's attempt at banter, and swiftly left to wake his immediate older brother.

Except, Donnie wasn’t sleeping.

Mikey hoped for a moment that he’d find Donnie in his room, but he didn't. Mikey sighed, heading to the softshell’s lab instead. The door was shut, but that wasn’t unusual. Donnie likely wouldn't let Leo or Raph in if they were to knock, but he was generally more lenient towards Mikey.

Before the invasion, Mikey was the only one allowed in Donnie’s lab while he worked. The box turtle would sit in his own little corner of the room and work on art projects while Donnie worked on his inventions.

Mikey knocked on the door in a pattern unique to him, but there was no response. It wasn't even locked, to his surprise, and after waiting a moment Mikey opened the door himself.

Stepping into the lab, Mikey saw that Donnie was at his desk. He didn’t even seem to notice Mikey enter his 'sacred' space. He looked half asleep. His computer had turned off from inactivity. A notepad was in front of the softshell, with handwriting so messy that Mikey couldn’t even attempt to understand it. Donnie was staring at it, eyelids drooping, without acknowledging Mikey's presence.

Mikey hesitated, not walking much further than the doorway. “...Donnie?”

The purple turtle jumped slightly, looking over his shoulder at Mikey. Bags even deeper than Leo’s were incredibly visible under his eyes. “Mikey? When did you walk in?”

Mikey frowned for a moment, before shaking his head and forcing a smile. “I just wanted to tell you that there’s breakfast in the kitchen. I made pancakes, they’re your favorite!”

Donnie shook his head. “I’m sorry, Mikey, but I’m busy. Put it in the fridge, I’ll get to it later.”

You’re always busy.

“Come on, you said that yesterday.”

“Yes, but I’m going to be spending most of the day working with Leo on his knee. I need to get extra work done here while I can since I’ll be losing time later.”

Mikey lowered his head. “Please, Donnie? You know Raph will come bother you anyway if he doesn’t see you in the kitchen.”

Donnie shook his head again. “I-”

“Please. Take a break.”

The softshell spun his chair to face the younger. Mikey met his gaze.

Donnie glanced at the blank screen of his computer. “Okay.” He stood up. He was wearing his BattleShell. When was the last time he took that off?

Mikey turned and left, Donnie following behind. Mikey turned and smiled at his immediate older brother, fidgeting absentmindedly with his bandages. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” He waved, walking briskly off toward the dojo. He’d passed Raph’s room on the way to Donnie’s lab, so he already knew that the snapping turtle wasn’t in there. Mikey knew very well where Raph was without having to look for him.

He peeked into the dojo through the thin canvas that covered the windows into the space, knocking gently on the wooden sliding door. He was lucky enough to catch Raph at a point where he had stopped to get a water break, otherwise he might have been too focused to hear.

Raph had been lucky enough to not entirely lose vision in his right eye, but his eyesight was significantly worse than it was before. It was hidden by his mask, but the red-banded turtle had a scar running over the eye that stopped just above the end of his beak. His right eye looked slightly more foggy than the other.

Raph had been overworking himself trying to get over his blind spot. Even though he’s not gone fully half blind — and Donnie will get him an entirely functioning replacement eye eventually, knowing him — Mikey could tell Raph didn't like the thought of not being enough on his own. Either way, that replacement eye might be a long time coming. There was a lot not needed to be done in the way of repairs. The Turtle Tank was still completely non-functional, after all.

The snapping turtle lifted his head to the door. “Come in!”

Mikey pushed the door open, choosing to remain in the doorway rather than enter. Raph smiled, his snaggletooth poking out. “Morning, Mikes!”

“Breakfast is ready.” The box turtle stated.

Mikey could see the hesitation in Raph’s eyes as he glanced towards the training dummies he had set up. However, Mikey knew that unlike Donnie he didn’t have to convince his brother to rest. Raph wouldn't say no to him.

Still, the fact that he wanted to keep training anyway worried Mikey.

Mikey could almost hear the ‘in a minute’ that his oldest brother wanted to say, but instead the spikey turtle set his water bottle down. “Alright.”

Mikey let Raph lead the way to the kitchen, where both Donnie and Leo were already settled. Leo had eaten the majority of his pancakes, likely before Donnie had even sat down.

Raph blinked as he sat at the table, looking between the three plates that were set out. “...Are you not eating with us?”

Mikey shook his head, finally diverging from the lifeless routine they'd been slogging through. “I already ate!”

Mikey smiled nervously as he watched Donnie look towards the sink. It was nearly empty of dishes, save for the bowl that had held the pancake batter and the pan he’d made them in. There were no plates, forks, knives, or anything of the sort. Nothing that would imply that Mikey had eaten at all.

Mikey spoke before Donnie had the chance to point it out. “I actually wanted to ask if I could go topside today?” Mikey watched Raph freeze up at the question. Donnie’s gaze snapped to look at him, distracted from his previous concern, as Leo looked up from his food.

It wasn’t the first time Mikey had asked since the invasion, and every time he’d been shot down.

This time, Raph didn’t respond with an immediate ‘no’ as he usually did. Maybe it was the break of their usual repeated morning that threw the snapper off. “Why do you want to go topside?”

I’m tired of staying here. It’s quiet. It’s lonely. I miss the way things were before.

“I just want a little fresh air. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen the sun, it’ll be good for me!" He smiled, showing off the gap in his teeth. "I'll be safe — promise!"

Raph tapped his fingers together, considering something. “I don’t know if you should be going topside alone. Maybe-”

“Everyone else is busy." Mikey interrupted. He hated the thought of his simple walk being disrupted by someone babysitting him like he was made of porcelain. "I’ll be fine, Raph. I just want to go on a little walk.”

Leo shrugged. “I mean, he has to get out sometime.” 

Raph’s shoulders hunched. “Yeah, but-”

Donnie looking at his wrist pad, placing his other hand on Raph's shoulder, preventing the larger turtle from voicing his concerns. “If it makes you feel better, Raph, I can check the trackers that I haven’t placed on any of you if he’s been out too long.”

The snapping turtle peered at the screen on Donnie’s wrist pad. Mikey could see the screen, but he was likely being shown Donnie's interactable map of where every member of their family was. Raph lift his gaze to meet Mikey's, who was trying to resist begging.

After a minute of thinking, Raph sighed. “You can go out for an hour, maybe two at most, but if you’re not at least on your way home by then we’re sending a Donnie-Pod after you.”

Mikey smiled, saying a quick ‘goodbye’ and ‘thank you’ before leaving his brothers to eat their breakfast. He didn’t grab anything from the lair as he usually would on his way out, not even his headphones. He left the lair in a run, heading to the nearest sewer grate and eagerly leaping out of pit he'd been stuck in for what felt like eternity.

They hadn’t left the lair all of twice since the invasion, each time very shortly in order to retrieve their gear or other necessities. Mikey hated it, but he understood why his brothers (especially Raph) were so worried about it.

Mikey was careful, just as he promised he would be. He stuck to the shadows, walking on both roofs and through alleys at different points, wandering through the city with no real destination in mind.

The city wasn't fully repaired yet, but was much better than the wreck it had been immediately after everything went down. There were still some missing buildings here or there, a lot more construction than usual, but there was enough rebuilt in order for life to go on in the city.

He let his mind wander as his body did the same.

It was the same streets as they were before, but they were different. Some roads still had cracks running through them. He could recognize the empty spaces where certain buildings used to sit.

He pushed away memories of the invasion that try to taunt him as he walked through the city.

He was hoping the usual chaos of New York would make him feel better over the fact that the lair had been so quiet lately; but it was all the same. A lot of people had moved away for the time being because their homes were destroyed, so the city felt dead in comparison to what it once was.

He didn’t like how empty everything felt. The city, the lair, even his life felt emptier.

He had his family, but they were more distant.

Splinter, who had always been at least a little despondent, had stayed about the same. Though, Mikey had noticed that Splinter had begun stopping by each of their rooms in the night. Sometimes, likely when he believed that Mikey was sleeping, he would walk in and tuck him into bed. Mikey would expect that kind of thing from Raph, but oddly, he found it even more comforting when he was shown such care from his father.

April was still going to school. She couldn't visit the turtles as often because of it, but Mikey appreciated the occasional visit they got from their human sister. He could tell she worried for them a lot. He wished he could see her more.

Casey Junior was just trying his best to adjust to life in the past. Mikey wasn’t as close to the future boy as Leo was, but he knew that Junior was living with Cassandra at the moment. As much as Cass was trying to be accommodating, it must hurt for Casey to live with someone who was supposed to be his mother, but wasn’t and never truly would be. Donnie had pulled some strings to make it so that he actually existed legally, Mikey was pretty sure the kid was looking for a job to be able to support himself instead of living off of Cass.

Speaking of Cassandra, Mikey appreciated the normalcy that Cass offered. After everything with the invasion, Cass hadn’t changed a bit. She was chaotic, posted about it often, and was a reminder of when things were simpler. Mikey wished he could hang out with Cass more, like he did before the invasion, but he had too much to think about.

His brothers, though. They were the most distant. It felt like he was alone in the lair sometimes, even though they were all just a few doors down from him.

Mikey hadn’t really been paying attention to where he was walking, but he found himself on a high rooftop overlooking the city. The building was surprisingly undamaged compared to its surroundings.

Mikey sat down on the edge of the roof, letting his eyes drift across the New York City skyline, as destroyed as it was. He looked up, his eyes widening as he realized he had a clear view of the Metro Tower. His eyes traveled to the peak of the tall building. He stared at it for a while. 

He started to think about how his brothers had been since then. How he saw them today.

Leo was clearly trying to hide the trauma of what he had experienced in the prison dimension with jokes and laughs. Mikey could tell he was also very upset about his leg, although he wouldn’t show it. Leo always preferred to hide his insecurities behind a layer of grandeur, but over the years Mikey had learned to read his brother like an open book.

He was hurting and he didn’t want to admit it. Mikey couldn’t tell exactly what was bothering him the most, and now Leo was just trying to make it seem like everything is completely normal.

Donnie was trying to distract himself from everything by throwing himself into his work. It wasn’t the first time he’s done something similar, but it had never been so bad before. Sure, he avoided sleep like the plague sometimes, but Mikey had never seen bags like that under his brother’s eyes. 

Mikey had witnessed Donnie’s fusion with the Technodrome firsthand; he also understood and could relate to Donnie’s sensory issues. Just imagining what that must have felt like was enough to make the box turtle shudder. He could tell that Donnie didn’t like to think about it either, hence why he was working as hard as he was. Mikey didn’t know what he was working on, but knowing his brother, it was probably a way to fix it. He knew if he didn’t do anything about it, Donnie would destroy himself with lack of sleep and eventual burnout.

Raph was overworking himself. Not only that, but everything they experienced in the invasion was making his anxiety ring alarms in his head constantly in a way that can’t be good for his stress levels. The snapping turtle always worried about everything, but he really was worrying about everything now. Even hurting his brothers. He was kind of acting like Donnie, except he’s trying to fix an insecurity of his rather than creating something to distract himself. He needed to accept that it will take time to heal from everything he'd experienced.

Mikey could tell that he wasn’t really training just to work on himself or get stronger; he was training because he's afraid of being a liability. He's afraid that this setback could cause him to make a mistake and possibly get someone hurt. Mikey knew that Raph’s anxiety had already made him think of every possible scenario where something could go terribly wrong because of him. Whether he got them hurt indirectly or accidentally hurt them directly. What Raph really needed was better ways to calm down and deal with his stress.

His family needed help, and they wouldn’t help themselves. Avoiding their feelings as they did nothing to help themselves, they needed to confront and work through their trauma if they were ever going to improve. 

And Mikey was all too ready to take up the job of family therapist once again.

Keeping them together was his role, after all.

Mikey felt a chill run up his spine, and he pulled his eyes away from the building, letting his eyes drift across the skyline once again.

They settled on Staten Island in the distance. He couldn’t see it well from where he was, but it was easy to recognize. Phantom pains and burns ran up his arms, making him wince.

He looked down at hands and gently began to unwrap his bandages and Hamato wraps.

His hands were shaking uncontrollably, the scars along his arms glowing a burning hot orange-gold hue. He tried to hide his hands as best he could from his brothers. If they saw it would only cause them more stress and pain than they were already experiencing.

Draxum had visited almost immediately after the invasion to check in on them, and was absolutely horrified when he learned what Mikey had done to save Leo. He explained to Mikey that using too much mystic power with one spell like that will tear the user’s body apart.

Mikey watched as the scars on his arms flared up, thinking about the ways his brothers would react if they saw it. Leo would go into full medic mode, Donnie would overwork himself trying to find a solution, and it could send Raph into a panic attack with just a glance.

Maybe he was a hypocrite, but how was he supposed to help his family if he only made them worry?

It was his job to help them. His role. 

If he can’t help his family, what good is he?

He rewrapped his arms. The glow was still slightly visible through the bandages, so he decided to wait until it died down before heading back to the lair.

If they saw his arms, they’d worry. He couldn’t live with himself if he added more stress into their lives.

So he opted not to tell them instead.

As long as his brothers were happy, then he didn’t matter.

That is all Mikey cared about.

Chapter Text

Mikey poked his head into Leo’s subway car, smiling. He had returned from his walk the night prior on time and immediately went to his room, having a lot of plans he needed to prepare for. He was all too eager to get started. After breakfast, he waited for everyone to go about their day as normal before seeking out his second oldest brother.

“Heeyyyyy Leo!” The box turtle said cheerfully. 

The slider was sitting on the floor reading a comic, his crutch in reach. He looked up. slightly caught off guard. “You need something, Miguel?”

“Oh, I was just thinking; why don’t we do a Jupiter Jim marathon to celebrate you getting out of Medbay? I’ll let you pick the first movie!!”

Leo sat up, closing his comic and setting it on the floor next to him. “Sure! Should I go get Raph or Donnie?”

Mikey shook his head. “Nope! Just us.”

The slider paused, hesitating. “...Okaaay.” Usually a marathon would be a family event. He reached for his crutch, and Mikey stepped into the room to help him up, steadying his older brother before allowing him to walk on his own once he was stable on his feet.

Mikey let Leo walk ahead of him. As they neared the TV room, he took a turn and seemed like he was headed for the kitchen. “I’ll get some snacks and meet you there!” For a moment Leo questioned why he hadn’t just gotten them before, but he shrugged it off.

Until he stepped into the TV room.

The lights were off, only a single chair was set out in the center of the room. No snacks in sight. In front of the screen stood Mikey, lit only by the light of the projector. He was in an orange turtle-neck sweater and jeans,  his face decorated with circular glasses and a non-functional mic that looked like it was stolen from a headset. Both were taped to the sides of his head.

Leo tried to back out of the room, but the door was already shut and locked. He smiled nervously at his youngest brother as he realized he’d been tricked. “Mikeyyy! Maybe we can-”

“Leo, take a seat.” Mikey used his pointer to direct Leo to sit in the chair.

The slider shook his head. “Come on, Mike! I don’t need-”

“Hamato Leonardo, sit down.”

Leo really did not want to deal with Dr. DelicateTouch, and would gladly take the whole Dr. Feelings business over that any day, so he shuffled over and sat in the chair, leaning his crutch against the armrest.

Mikey smiled, the title slide already on screen. “Hello! I’m Dr. Feelings, and welcome to my seminar: Honesty!”

Leo leaned back in the chair. “Mikey, I really don’t need all this.”

“You do!” The box turtle smiled, clicking to the next slide. “Lesson One,”

“Is the ‘Dr. Feelings’ thing really necessary?” Leo interrupted once again. 

Mikey could tell that Leo was just trying to get out of talking about his emotions. It made Mikey cringe; it reminded him of himself too much. 

The box turtle shook his head, dismissing the thought. This wasn’t about him after all.

“It is necessary.” He answered before continuing. “Lesson One! It’s okay to admit you’re upset about something.”

“I’m not upset about anything.”

“That’s a lie.” Mikey crossed his arms. “Don’t forget that I’m your brother, Leon. I know you. I’ve known you long enough to be able to tell when you’re lying." He paused for a moment, and then clarified: "Well, when you’re lying about something important.”

Leo leaned on the armrest, propping his head up on his hand. “Then what am I lying about?”

Mikey shrugged. He decided it was better not to bring up the prison dimension directly, and rather let Leo talk about it if he wanted to. It was a touchy subject for himself as it was, he didn't want to remind Leo of something that was way worse for him to experience when he might not want to talk about it. So he opened with something simpler. “Your leg?”

Leo’s posture straightened. “...I’m not lying about anything. My leg doesn’t hurt.”

“I’m not saying you're lying about anything physically. I’m saying you’re lying that you’re okay with it, by omission.” Mikey pointed at his older brother with his pointer stick. “You are upset about your leg. You are upset about having to use a crutch to get around. But you aren’t acting like you are.”

Aren’t you a hypocrite? That cynical part of him points out from the back of his mind. He ignores it.

Leo stared at the ground. Mikey didn’t look away from him. “Why?”

Leo glanced up. “Why...what?”

“Why are you acting like you’re happy when you aren’t?”

“...”

Mikey didn’t seem to be concerned by Leo’s silence. He expected it. He’d do the same. “Do you think it’ll make things better?”

“I mean...kind of? I don’t think it’ll work , but, y’know.”

“It doesn’t fix it, but you hope it might help a litte?”

Leo nodded. He paused, staring at the crutch leaned up against the chair. “...I did it then, too.”

Mikey didn’t need to be told what ‘then’ was. He was well aware that Leo always tried to smile and joke, but it really put it into perspective for Mikey when he was still trying to laugh in face of what had been his inevitable death.

Mikey realized then that Leo wasn’t really just doing it for them when things got stressful or dangerous, he was trying to calm himself down too.

The orange turtle stepped away from the screen, kicking a beanbag that he had set aside for the presentation closer to his brother. He sat on the opposite side of the chair that Leo had leaned his crutch on. “Can you tell me about it?” He saw the slider’s shoulders hunch, and he clarified, “You don’t need to talk about everything that happened. Just how you felt. You don’t need to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about yet.”

Leo nodded gratefully. He took a deep breath, and they sat in silence until he could find his words. 

“I thought acting like everything would be fine would help.” He admitted. “I didn’t want to act like it was actually a goodbye , because then it really would be. I always choose to deny it because the moment I don’t, I can’t deny it anymore.”

“But I was scared.” The slider shifted uncomfortably in the chair. “I was lying to myself to make myself smile, even then. I didn’t think that it would help any of you, not at all, but I thought maybe...maybe it wouldn’t be as bad.”

Leo smiled slightly — it didn’t seem forced, but it was slightly uncomfortable. “Guess it wasn’t really a goodbye. Maybe I manifested it.” His smile fell. “Sorry, I’m doing it again-”

Mikey shook his head. “Joking as a way of coping with it is different from joking to cover it up. There’s nothing wrong with making jokes about trauma to make it easier to talk about, that’s a perfectly healthy coping mechanism. It only becomes a problem when you’re trying to distract from it completely as a way of denial. You don’t need to apologize.”

Leo nodded. “Right, right.” It was silent again for a while. Mikey sat patiently.

“I knew I was going to die.”

You’re the same way. That voice spoke again. You knew.

As his mind was drawn to the portal, familiar phantom pains ran up his arms. His scars usually glowed along with it, but Mikey couldn’t see it through his sweater. He was thankful for that.

This isn’t about me.

Leo’s voice cracked as he spoke. “When I saw the light of the portal, I thought I was dying. I didn’t realize until I saw you guys standing on the other side.”

Mikey’s eyes widened, and he sat up on his knees, leaning over the chair and pulling Leo into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Lee.”

“Don’t apologize.” He could hear the spark of a smile in the slider’s voice. “You saved my life.” The slider sounded like he might cry, and now Mikey felt like crying, too.

Mikey didn’t respond to that, only hugging the slider closer to him. “Don’t do that ever again. Please.”

The brothers had already made Leo promise to never do anything like that again, but Mikey didn’t care. He needed to hear it again.

“I won’t.” Leo pat his brother’s shell. “I promise.”

Mikey gathered himself and pulled away from the hug. He decided to stay seated next to his brother, and clicked a button to move onto the next slide. “This kind of denial isn’t healthy.” Mikey continued from where he left off. “In order to heal and move on from something, you need to admit and accept that it happened to you. Smiling and joking about it like everything is okay without acknowledging your problems won’t do you any good. It might make things feel better for the moment, but it’s just building up for everything to get worse later.”

He gestured with his hands as he spoke, having put his pointer down on the ground next to him at some point. “It’s not healthy to smile and lie about being okay.”

Liar.

“It’s okay to not be okay, especially with all the shit that happened to you. Raph, Donnie, me — any and all of us will always be there to help and listen.”

Take your own advice sometime. 

Mikey continued ignoring that nagging voice. He hated that he embraced that part of himself sometimes. It was necessary, sure — but he never thought aggression and cynicism looked good on him. Unfortunately, retiring Dr. DelicateTouch would never be an option for him. Such things are necessary sometimes, but he could think about his issues later. He had a therapy session to finish.

The box turtle looked up at his older brother. “From now on, can you be honest? You don’t even have to say exactly what’s upsetting you, just...admit that you’re upset and get help with it.”

Leo hesitated for a moment. “I’ll try.”

Mikey smiled. “That’s enough.”

Leo offered to continue on with a Jupiter Jim marathon anyway, and Mikey agreed. He let the slider pick the movies they watched until eventually Mikey decided to play ‘Jupiter Jim: Pluto Vacation 4’, which put the blue turtle right to sleep. Mikey draped a blanket over his older brother before leaving the TV room, heading to his own subway car.

Settling into his hammock-bed, Mikey immediately began typing away on his laptop (made for him by Donnie, GeniusTech™ logo and all). He started up work on the presentation for his next seminar. In his want to get it done as soon as possible, he found himself staying up late into the night. Eventually, at about 3am, he shut his laptop. He’d have to get up again before seven in order to make breakfast. He was thinking about making breakfast sandwiches tomorrow...today?

He shrugged it off, nestling into his hammock-bed. However, his sleep was not peaceful.

---

Mikey stared at the vibrant colors spreading throughout the sky. It would have been a beautiful, breathtaking sight if not for the grim reality it represented. 

The portal was closed. The portal was closed, and Leo never made it out.

The world around him seemed to slow as he stared up into the sky. Slowly, he lifted his arms, holding them out in front of him and straining. Hopping, begging, pleading for anything to happen.

“Mikey.” He heard Raph’s voice behind him. “It’s over.”

Mikey glanced over his shoulder. “Leo never gave up on us.” He focused his eyes ahead again, staring at the space between his hands. “I’m not giving up on him!”

As he uttered those words, a bright light flashed between his outstretched hands; a nd it was the most painful thing Mikey has ever experienced.

The force intended to sweep Mikey off of his feet, but he stood firm, pressing his feet into the asphalt beneath him. He focused his mind on a single thought as a rift in time and space began to open in front of him.

Bring Leo home.

Mikey could feel himself being torn apart. It felt as if his arms were burning — starting at the palms of his hands before the pain crawled up his arms and rattled his nerves.

He realized; if he keeps going, he will die. 

He watched as cracks ran up his arms, a golden glow shining through like sunlight. Casey’s words echoed in his mind. “With those two hands, you sent me back in time!”

He decided he didn’t care. He stood his ground, straining, tears running down his face; only one thought on his mind.

Bring Leo home.

He feels hands grab each shoulder, and some of the burning is taken away — but it’s so miniscule in comparison to the pain he still feels that it’s barely noticeable. The slightest feeling of comfort wraps itself around him, but its warmth almost worsens the burning pain.

He became aware in his nearly delirious state of pain that those hands were Raph and Donnie, providing what minimal support they could. He could hear them talking but he couldn't understand a word they said.

Unknown to him, his eyes began to glow that same luminous orange-gold, a jarring contrast to his usual blue eyes. They were fixated on the crack in reality forming in front of him. He feared that if he blinked it would disappear.

His vision had began blurring, but he didn’t mind. The portal opened. The blinding light faded, and he could see Leo through it. Raph’s hand left him, and the pain seemed to double. Donnie’s hand left as well, and the cracks traveled faster up his arm, the spike in pain almost causing him to fall over.

He couldn’t give up now — that thought still echoed in his mind.

Bring Leo home.

He didn’t notice or realize what Donnie or Raph were doing, or why they left. He could only focus on getting Leo out. It was all that mattered to him.

Which meant keeping the portal open.

Which meant tearing himself to pieces.

In a flash, blue and green flew by the side of his face. Mikey glanced behind him as Leo was pulled through the portal, ensuring the entirety of his older brother was out of the prison dimension before he even considered shutting the portal — despite the pain he was in. He turned back, using what little energy he had left to smile and wink at the Kraang before shutting the portal for good.

The last thing he saw was the Kraang swiping at the portal, but it didn’t seem like he was trying to get through. Like he knew he wouldn't have the time to make it through, and he was trying to grab something. Trying to keep someone, anyone, trapped with him. It made him shudder to think of what would have happened if he’d closed it just a moment later.

He felt like collapsing right there. He looked at his arms, and as the glow began to fade from the cracks, blood replaced it. The cracks turned from mystical beams of light to deep cuts running up both of his arms, blood bubbling to the surface. He ignored it; it was something he could worry about later.

He rushed over to his brothers. Raph was holding Leo in his arms. The slider was still awake and smiling, though his body was beaten and bruised. “Hey.” He smiled, looking between each of them before glancing at their environment through his swollen eyes.. “Ewww, are we on Staten Island??”

“Very funny, Nardo.” Donnie began typing into his wrist pad. Mikey saw through the transparent screen that he was sending messages to April, Splinter, and Casey all at once. “We need to get you home. Now.”

Leo didn’t seem aware of his condition, but Mikey could see Leo’s leg from where the slider could not. The angle it was bent at made him want to gag.

Donnie began instructing Raph on how to carry him to make sure his leg wouldn't be damaged more. He started listing potential injuries they might need to treat, and Leo seemed to be fading in and out of consciousness. Donnie told Raph to keep him awake, but Mikey couldn’t hear his explanation as to why.

He was too busy staring at his arms.

Blood had begun pouring out of the cracks, dripping down his arms and onto the ground below him. They were shaking, and although the glow had faded significantly from the blinding sight it had been moments before, it was still dimly present.

Mikey stared at them with wide eyes until he was startled by Donnie calling out to him, just noticing Mikey’s injuries. The softshell ran over to him. He was just in time for Mikey to collapse into his arms.

Donnie cursed under his breath, having no way to slow the bleeding and terrified of hurting the box turtle by touching the wounds that traveled up his arms.

The thought crossed Mikey’s mind that he may bleed out like this, but the thought didn't last long. He was starting to feel too light headed to think. He let his head fall back, and he stared at the sky above him. The sky was beautiful. 

He was surprised Donnie didn’t try to keep him awake. If he did, Mikey didn't notice.

As Mikey became aware of Donnie standing and beginning to move, he shut his eyes. He could still see glimpses of light through his eyes lids, and he couldn't tell if the it was the light of portal burned into his eyes or if the stars were shining like the sun.

His final sensation was the sticky feeling of blood dripping down his arms; staining his skin a deep, ugly red.

---

Mikey jolted awake just as he shut his eyes in the nightmare — no, the memory. 

He felt tears gather in his eyes, but he shook them away, holding his head in his hands. It was almost seven in the morning. He woke up later than he wanted to, and that meant he had to get up and make breakfast quickly before his brothers realized that something was wrong.

He took a deep breath and forced himself to move, blinking tears from his eyes.

Breakfast was, admittedly, not his best work. He had other things on his mind and was distracted, accidentally burning things here and there. They weren’t inedible , but it was enough to be noticeable. Mikey knew it was, but thankfully his brothers didn’t have the heart to criticize his cooking. He knew he had nothing to worry about.

Mikey ate his breakfast quickly, excusing himself from the table earlier than he usually did and scurrying off to his room.

He did some finishing touches on his slideshow for the seminar, waiting for everyone to finish eating and go about their business. He generally judged it off of Raph’s footsteps, as the snapping turtle usually took the liberty of doing the dishes and therefore was the last to leave the kitchen. Mikey appreciated the help — Raph was probably the only one he’d really trust with anything in the kitchen anyway.

Once Mikey heard Raph’s heavy footsteps pass by and enter the dojo, he ran through his plan one more time in his mind to make sure everything was ready and prepared. He had taken some time between getting up and making breakfast to set up the TV room. He’d bribed Splinter with extra portions so he could use it for a few days. He had a plan to trick today’s chosen brother into the seminar, as none of the brothers would willingly walk into a room with Dr. Feelings. He already had the first slide displayed on the projector screen.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the doors to his room and trotted off to the lab, knocking in the same pattern he always did and calling out to his purple brother.

“Hey, Dee!!”

Chapter Text

Mikey knocked on the door to his immediate older brother’s lab with a smile on his face. There was a rustling behind the door before everything was completely still. Mikey considered knocking again, but a moment later the lock clicked and the door opened.

Donnie was sitting at his desk. It was exactly the same as it had been when he had last seen it. Donnie still looked half asleep sitting up at his desk, and Mikey could tell that he hadn’t slept much (if at all) in the past few days. Mikey couldn’t see what he was working on.

Mikey didn’t step into the lab, instead calling from the doorway. “Hey, Dee!!”

Donnie had been sluggishly writing something every since he had opened the door. When Mikey called out to him, he finally lifted his head, his shoulders hunched. “Angelo?”

Mikey rocked back and forth on his heels. “I made you coffee!”

The softshell sat up slightly. He had a distrustful look on his face. “You...made me coffee?”

“Yep!”

Donnie raised an eyebrow in suspicion. “Why...? It’s been a while since you’ve made any, and it’s already past breakfast. You don’t usually-”

“Are you really gonna refuse free coffee from me, Donald?” The box turtle leaned forward.

Donnie sighed. “No.”

“Great!” Mikey slid behind the lab door, out of sight of his brother. “I left it in the TV room.”

Donnie did question for a moment why he’d just leave it there of all places. Usually he'd leave it in the pot in the kitchen — or, if he'd gone ahead and added Donnie's preference of cream and sugar, he'd leave it in a thermos on the counter. It's not like Mieky had gone looking for him and left it there while he searched. It was never hard to find Donnie; he never really left his lab. 

But, just as he said, he wouldn’t pass up free coffee. Mikey made it better than him anyway.

Donnie regretted not thinking about it more as soon as he stepped into the TV room.

Lights off, chair in the center facing the projector — which displayed a presentation. Mikey stood next to it; orange-turtle neck, jeans, glasses. All of it. Donnie recognized it in an instant. How did he even change into that so fast?

Of course, trying to open the door was to no avail: it was already locked. Even Donnie couldn’t puzzle together how Mikey locked him in without touching the door.

Mikey smirked, clearly rather proud of himself. “Do I need to ask?”

The Donnie's shoulders hunched. “Annoyed eye roll. No, you do not.” He walked to the chair, settling down and leaning back with his hands behind his head.

He was easily the least fazed out of all the brothers with the whole ‘Dr. Feelings’ business. He did experience it first, and furthermore he likely experienced it the most. It was, however, a rather close contest between him and Leo with the self-care talks.

It had been a long time since Mikey had dusted off the old sweater for a seminar. 

Mikey smiled, quickly switching into character. “Hello! I’m Dr. Feelings, and welcome to my seminar: Healthy Sleeping Habits!”

Donnie looked up to the ceiling, not saying anything. Mikey didn’t bat an eye at his disinterest, and moved on to the next slide.

“Lesson One: sleeping is more important than work.”

Though the softshell did not move his head. His eyes flitted down to look at the projector screen, not making eye contact with his little brother. “I don’t think work is more important than sleep, Mikey.”

“You may not think that,” Mikey clarified, “but you act like it is. I don’t know what you do in your lab, but nothing is worth losing sleep over. Every time you choose to keep working instead of resting, you may not actually think that the work is more important than your health, but your actions treat it that way.”

Donnie frowned, closing his eyes. “I’m just getting things done as fast as possible.”

“That shouldn’t take priority over your sleep schedule. Your projects can wait, your need for rest cannot. If anything, it affects you and your work output negatively.”

Is that why you only slept for four hours last night? The voice mocked.

He dismissed it. It was for good reason.

Donnie finally lowered his head, raising an eyebrow at the box turtle. “It’s not that bad.”

“It is, and I can name several examples of why.” Mikey deadpanned. “Never once in the past three weeks have I found you in your room. At first, I got you for breakfast from Medbay. Now it’s from your lab. Have you set foot in your room at all ?”

Donnie froze. “I-”

Mikey cut him off. “I’ve seen you sleeping twice since the invasion. Neither at night. I’ve seen you in your lab many times, though, and you look like you’re about to pass out. Donatello, have you looked in a mirror at all recently?”

“...No-”

“I can see eye bags through your mask. Oh, and by the way, have you forgotten that I run the kitchen? I can tell when it’s been touched. I can tell when we’re running out of coffee grounds faster than I’m using them. Oh, energy drinks too. I’ve seen them in the trash. Two turtles in this lair drink energy drinks often, and those cans aren’t mine. Relying on caffeine to keep you awake just might be a problem.”

At some point, Donnie had crossed his arms, staring blankly at the wall next to the projector. Mikey stared at him, understanding that the softshell wouldn’t say anything to try to defend himself.

Mikey sighed, changing course to speak more softly to his older brother. “You need to take better care of yourself. Think, if one of us did the same thing, you’d be upset with us, would you not?”

Donnie hesitated before answering, as if saying the wrong thing would indict him in a crime. “...yes.”

“Why?”

Donnie turned his head and looked at his little brother. “Your body needs sleep to function properly.”

“Then why would you be hard on us about it but allow yourself to do the same thing?”

“That’s different-” 

“How so?” 

“...”

Mikey allowed the silence to linger for a while before asking his next question, noting in his mind that he could skip over the ‘hypocrisy’ slide now that he’s already covered it. “Why do you feel like you need to work in favor of sleep?”

Mikey could see the cogs turning in Donnie’s head as he continued staring at the wall. Donnie was ever the overthinker, after all. Mikey didn’t say anything, simply allowing the softshell to consider his words before finally giving Mikey an answer.

“It’s what I give to the team. What am I without my tech? Everyone has something to offer, this is mine.”

Doesn’t that sentiment sound familiar? The voice commented.

Mikey pretended he couldn’t hear it. “Would you say your tech is tied to your sense of self worth?”

Donnie gripped his arms, as if hugging himself. He slowly nodded.

Like my art. Mikey admitted to himself.

Mikey hummed in acknowledgment. He considered his next words, trying to come up with a good way to phrase his advice. “You should never have to feel like you need to prove yourself as worthy somehow with your tech, because you’re more than your tech. We care about you, because you’re our brother.”

The box turtle resisted the urge to fidget with his sweater sleeves. “Your tech doesn’t represent your worth. Whatever you create should be something you can enjoy making without that much stress. It should never, not even partly, feel like something you need to do. At that point it’s draining you emotionally more than anything, because if you feel like something is wrong with what you made then something is wrong with you . Then suddenly it’s a much bigger deal than it actually is.”

Donnie didn’t seem to have the words to say anything, and instead he just nodded again. Mikey understood.

He stepped forward, kneeling down in front of his brother. “A mentality like that is something that takes a while to change; but in the meantime, can you promise me not to stay up for work anymore? I don’t want to lock up the coffee or anything like that, but I’ll hold you to it.”

Donnie smiled a little. “I won’t. Promise.”

Mikey ended up spending most of the rest of the day with his purple brother. They sat in his lab, like old times before the invasion.

It hurt a little to call three weeks ago ‘old times’. Has it really changed them that much?

Donnie did show him one project he was working on, but it was an older one; something he recognized from before the invasion. Shelldon 3.0. Little progress had been made on it, but it was still something.

When the two youngest brothers had walked in, Mikey noticed the computer was turned off. In fact, the box turtle had noticed that it almost always was whenever he entered the lab recently. This had never been the case before: Donnie always used his computer when he worked, and he never shut it off when someone came to see him. Out of curiosity, when Donnie was distracted talking about his plans for rebuilding Shelldon, he discreetly touched the screen. It was still warm, as if it had been on for hours before.

What was he working on that he wanted to keep hidden?

Eventually, the softshell drifted off to sleep. The had been sitting on the floor together, Mikey watching the softshell work, and Donnie had slowly drifted off in the middle of speaking. Mikey put a weighted blanket over his shoulders. He didn’t want Donnie to just sleep on the floor of the lab, and while he could carry the softshell to his room, he’d much rather use it as an excuse to check on Raph. Maybe get the snapping turtle to leave the dojo for a moment.

Mikey skipped across the lair (he couldn't help it, he was quite satisfied with how his Dr. Feelings sessions had been going) and peeked into the dojo once he reached his destination. He lightly knocked on the door. “Raph?”

The snapping turtle stopped what he was doing, turning to look at his youngest brother standing in the doorway. He took out his earbuds, smiling. “What’s up, Mikey?”

“Donnie fell asleep in his lab.” Mikey could see a surprised expression flash onto Raph’s face for a second. The fact that it was because Donnie was sleeping was upsetting to think about. “Can you carry him back to his room?”

“Uh, sure!” Raph agreed, and of course he did,  because Mikey knew he’d never say no to helping his brothers.

Mikey stepped aside, letting Raph pass through the door before entering the dojo himself to look around. 

It seemed like, in just the passed for weeks, the punching bags and other various equipment in the room had been worn down with years worth of use. Mikey had watched him train from the doorway before, and he knew Raph favored the right side when training. He was trying to get used to his vision problems.

Mikey grabbed his older brother’s water bottle, quickly refilling it for him before the snapping turtle could return and setting it back in spot he found it as if it had never been touched. Though he didn’t support how the oldest overworked himself, he wouldn’t let him get dehydrated.

The problem wasn’t that Raph wasn’t taking care of himself, either. Mikey knew that he got sleep, ate well, drank enough water, and the like. It was just training too hard. Just like Donnie, he needed to give himself a break.

Mikey left the dojo before Raph returned, catching a glimpse of the oldest tucking Donnie into bed as he passed by the softshell’s room. The box turtle couldn’t help but smile a little.

Mikey retreated into his room, opening his laptop once again and preparing himself for a night just like the last. Working on his next seminar, this one for Raph.

His previous talk with Donnie echoed in his mind. 

Sleeping is more important than work.

If only he could listen to himself.

But Mikey continued work, and as hours went by he kept finding himself distracted. His thoughts wandered and made him stare off into space for long stretches of time.

He stared at his laptop screen; the slide he was currently typing up. As he reread the words he’d written, he found himself getting lost in memories. The sentence that triggered it became blurred in his mind, but he remembered what it was about.

Selflessness.

---

Mikey had recovered from his bout of dizziness after opening the portal. According to Donnie, who had to take over as medic since Leo was passed out due to his injuries, it was likely from a mix of blood loss and a high amount of mystic energy loss during his little stunt.

Mikey had opened the portal almost twelve hours ago at that point, but he was still feeling the effects. However, he wasn't really feeling the effects. He wasn't thinking about himself at all.

He stared at Leo laying on the Medbay bed. It was late into the night, but Mikey still felt wide awake.

The slider was unconscious and, as confirmed by Donnie, was in a coma. He couldn’t remember the full details of the explanation that Donnie had given to Mikey and Raph of the blue turtle’s injuries, but he knew it was bad.

A concussion, minor internal bleeding, two broken ribs, many minor fractures, a compound fracture in his leg that fucked up his knee so badly he’ll end up with a limp for the foreseeable future.

Mikey couldn’t remember ever seeing Donnie more stressed than when he was treating Leo. Even with the help of everyone who could be of use in the lair, the softshell refused to relax until his twin was stable.

Donnie hadn’t gotten out of the invasion without injury, either. There were marks on his shell, although they would fade with time, and minor bleeding. It mainly hurt him mentally, Mikey could tell. Hell, after Leo was finally stable, he went into sensory overload. Mikey sat with him through it until the softshell eventually managed to fall asleep, unable to stay awake due to the exhaustion and stress.

Raph was awake the longest, other than Mikey. His main physical injury was from his eye, which, after inspection from Donnie, had sustained damage that would result in vision loss. It was wrapped in bandages. Thankfully, the surrounding scratches were no longer bleeding. He had insisted on staying awake to watch over his younger brothers, but eventually exhaustion claimed him, and he fell asleep like Donnie had.

Mikey stayed wide awake. His arms were bandaged, and although the bleeding had slowed, they were shaking. They still glowed slightly, and so did his spots. Maybe his eyes were too, but he didn’t know. 

He lied. He tried to hide everything while Donnie was checking over and treating everyone. Mikey told his older brother that he was still freaked out from everything, that it was leftover adrenaline in his body and he would calm down eventually.

He wouldn’t. He had a gut feeling that it was something far worse, but he didn’t want to sound dramatic. He tried to assure himself that it was probably nothing, but he knew better.

It didn’t matter anyway, they had enough to worry about, he couldn’t tell them.

He decided to stay awake and watch his brothers until morning. I f someone woke up and asked him if he slept, he’d say that he had only woken up shortly before them.

To him, they were more important than sleep.

They were more important than he’d ever be.

---

Mikey snapped out of the memory with a jolt, shaking the thoughts away. 

He had work to do. He couldn’t get distracted.

He finished up the presentation well before the time he’d usually get up to make breakfast, but he still didn’t feel like he could sleep. He was restless, and resigned to stare at the wall until morning. At least, that’s what he planned on.

He didn’t notice the door to his subway car creak open, allowing a sliver of light to pour into the room. Then it opened fully, startling Mikey and making him jump. He turned to face the person in the doorway.

His father.

Splinter stared at his youngest with concern. “What keeps you awake, Orange?”

Mikey smiled nervously. “Oh- Nothing, Pops. Just...woke up a little bit ago. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to work on some stuff. Don’t worry about it.”

The rat man shook his head, stepping into the subway car and standing next to the box turtle’s hammock-bed, having to look up to look his son in the eyes. “Do not lie, I saw the light from the computer through the door. You’ve been awake for a while.” He spoke softly in a way that flooded Mikey’s senses with guilt.

He cursed himself silently. He should have considered that someone might see the light and turned his brightness down. 

Mikey didn’t realize he’d been staring at his father in complete silence until the rat man spoke again. He had noticed what Mikey was working on. Splinter grabbed one of Mikey’s hands, holding it. He spoke in an odd melancholy that sounded wrong in his voice. “You have a good heart, my son. You care about your brothers so deeply, but you can’t let that overshadow your love for yourself.”

He pat Mikey’s hand before letting go and backing away. “We want you to take care of yourself as much as you want us to take care of ourselves. I love you. Get some sleep, Orange.”

The rat man shut the subway car door, and Mikey found himself staring at it for a long while. Eventually, he shut his laptop and laid back, but he still could not fall asleep. He could only think.

When morning came, he got up at his usual time. He decided not to cook a full breakfast today, instead letting his families take their pick from the last of the cereal since they were running low anyway.

He woke up Leo as usual. Even if he didn’t cook, he liked to wake up his brothers as he had basically become an alarm clock for them in some ways.

He was happy to find Donnie sleeping peacefully in his room, having slept all through the night. He gently nudged the softshell awake, telling him what was for breakfast, before leaving to tell Raph the same.

After that, he retreated back into his room, the same routine as yesterday. It was a lot faster today, as it wasn’t a hand-crafted, lovingly prepared breakfast for them to cherish, but he still had to wait for Raph to finish doing the dishes before he could make his move.

Once he heard the snapping turtle’s heavy footsteps retreating back to the dojo, he took a moment to hype himself up, before pushing open the doors to his room. He trotted towards the dojo quickly, hoping to catch Raph before he started his routine for the day. Poking his head through the door, he called out cheerfully to his oldest brother.

“Raphie!!”

Chapter Text

Mikey peeked his head into the dojo, catching his oldest brother just before he started his usual routine. Raph heard the door creek and looked up, startled slightly.

Mikey smiled at the snapping turtle. “Raphie!!”

Raph smiled back. “Morning, Mikey. You need something?”

“Actually, I forgot to tell you yesterday, but I found an old pack of water bottles near the back of the fridge that I’d forgotten about, I figured you could use them!” 

An easy lie. The kitchen was his territory, no one else really checked it, or kept tabs on their stocks of food and drinks. Mikey ran it, Mikey made the shopping lists, Mikey used the ingredients. No one would find it strange that he mentioned something he had in the kitchen that they were unaware of.

Raph didn’t even question it for a moment. “Aw, thanks. They’re still in the back of the fridge?”

Mikey shook his head. “TV room,” he explained before Raph had the chance to raise any suspicion, “I took them out so they wouldn’t be too cold, they’ve been in there for a while.”

Before Raph could respond, or blink really, Mikey disappeared. Whatever, he probably had things he needed to do. 

Little did he know, he walked right into the same trap the other two brothers already had.

Just the same, Mikey was there in the TV room, waiting. No lights, chair in the center, a slideshow displayed on the projector. Mikey had his orange-turtle neck, jeans, glasses, all of it. 

Although Raph had run into Dr. Feelings the least, it didn’t take much to realize what was going on. He glanced behind him and sure enough, the door was already shut. He didn’t fight, just nervously sat down in the chair left for him.

Everyone had a different reaction to any kind of ‘Doctor’ persona Mikey put on, but it usually filled Raph with uneasiness. Mikey could tell by his body language, the way his shoulders hunched especially. He never really pointed it out, or cared to ask why he felt so uneasy, but Mikey was astute enough to guess. Emotions were his specialty, afterall. 

The box turtle was usually kind and sweet to everyone, but in an instant he could be ruthless and cruelly honest, or he could simply point out honest truths about someone that they could not see themself in a gentle and calm voice.

Raph had mentioned to him once that it was kind of spooky when he spoke as either Dr. DelicateTouch or Dr. Feelings. That it was such a jarring shift from the way that Mikey smiled at everybody to suddenly speaking strictly or professionally. 

Mikey had decided that when things got bad enough to intervene as either, that Mikey as himself couldn’t solve the problem anymore. He needed to be different. Do things a little differently than he usually would. Be direct, whether sharply or softly.

Mikey could say that was something he was always good at, the way he was so mindful and aware of exactly what those close to him were feeling. Like he could see right through them. Mikey usually fell for lies quite easily, but if there was anything he could never miss, emotions were something you could never sneak past Mikey.

Mikey could tell that Raph got the instinct that he had done something wrong. Well, he kinda did. He just hadn’t wronged Mikey in any way, as the snapping turtle usually thought he did when he got a visit from Dr. Feelings.

Mikey smiled warmly, though it did have an air of uneasiness to it, the usual effect that the Dr. Feelings routine had. “Hello! I’m Dr. Feelings, and welcome to my seminar: Giving Yourself A Break!”

Raph didn’t object or comment, sitting stiffly in the chair, staring at the projector ahead.

Mikey kept his smile and clicked to the next slide. “Lesson One, taking a breather is an important part of self-care.”

Raph hesitated before speaking. He’d always been the first to admit fault when Mikey was upset with him, but he also had the habit of being quite stubborn. “I do take breaks.”

Mikey sighed. “No, you don’t. I don’t mean ‘stopping for five minutes to drink water or eat a meal’, I mean actually sitting down and taking a break. Giving yourself some down time.” There was a click as the projector changed to show a new slide. “Training like this every single day doesn’t only make you physically exhausted, but mentally exhausted as well.”

Raph somehow seemed to slump even further in his chair, staying silent.

Mikey leaned most of his weight onto one leg, his arms crossed. He waited for a while to see if Raph would say anything more, but he didn’t, so Mikey moved on to his next point. 

The box turtle smiled at his older brother in an attempt to provide some comfort. “ Why do you feel like you need to overwork yourself?”

Raph blinked, looking up at Mikey. “Huh?”

“Why do you push yourself to train more? Is it to distract yourself, or is it some kind of self-punishment?”

Raph shook his head. “No, I’m not doing either of those things.”

Mikey frowned. That didn’t really answer his question. “Then why?”

Raph’s gaze darted to the floor, unwilling to make eye contact with his little brother. He shrugged, unsure what to say, before answering a few moments later. “...I want to be stronger.”

Mikey nodded. “And why do you want that?”

“Because I’m supposed to be. I have to be.”

Every answer only seemed to give him more questions. “What makes you think you have to be stronger?”

Raph fidgeted with his hands, still refusing to look Mikey in the eye. “I’m the oldest. It’s my job to protect you, you and the twins.”

Mikey sighed. He’s heard this before, hell, he’s had this talk with Raph before. He’s pretty sure he has the file from the slideshow still sitting around somewhere on his laptop. He kept his posture straight, a professional doesn’t slouch, but he felt the urge to let his shoulders sag. To have to repeat his old lesson to Raph again.

But he didn’t, because Raph added something else. An admission that made Mikey’s heart sink.

“ I failed to protect you already. ”

Mikey stared at his older brother in silence for a few moments, he didn’t quite know how to translate his thoughts to words. He wanted to word it eloquently, in the same professional tone he had spoken this entire time, but he had to ask a simple, genuine question that he didn’t care to overthink. “What do you mean?”

“T-the invasion.” Raph responded, a stutter in his voice. They all avoided talking about it, of course they did. Mikey hated how they avoided it, how they refused to properly process it, as if he wasn’t doing the same. “You all got hurt, and I couldn’t-”

“Stop.” Every muscle in Mikey’s body tensed. “There was nothing you could have done, Raph.”

“ There was. ” Raph lowered his head. “You didn’t just get hurt. I hurt you. I hurt Leo. I-”

“Stop it, stop it.” Mikey stepped forward, sitting down in front of his older brother and looking up at him, forcing the snapping turtle to meet his eyes. “That wasn’t you, that wasn’t your fault, and you can’t possibly blame yourself for any of it.”

Mikey could tell that Raph didn’t fully believe that, but he didn’t say it again. He simply shook his head, repeating a very familiar sentiment that Mikey had been fighting for years to get him to give up. “ I’m the oldest. I should have done something. It’s my job to look after you.”

The box turtle wouldn’t let him return to that way of thinking, although Raph never truly gave it up in the first place. “Even if you feel like you need to protect us, that should never be more important than your health. Mentally or physically. You do so much for us, you don’t need to force yourself to do anymore. You don’t need to be any stronger for us, you already are.”

Mikey smiled comfortingly. “You can’t be selfless all the time.”

Dr. DelicateTouch says nothing, but Mikey feels like he can still hear it.

Raph sighed. “I can’t just not worry about you guys, I could never not worry about you.”

I do it enough for both of us, trust me. Mikey thought silently.

Mikey slowly nodded. “I think getting you to not constantly worry about anything will take a lot longer than a single therapy session. Worry and anxiety are normal emotions, you just...worry excessively in a way that’s not healthy.” 

They’d known that Raph probably had an anxiety disorder for years, Mikey had diagnosed him himself, but the invasion and the year of Leo being leader before that seemed to amplify his anxiety and stress. Mikey didn’t like the sudden change of Leo as leader, but he had hoped it would maybe take away some of the stress from his oldest brother. It did not.

Raph didn’t move, slouching in the chair, leaning forward, curled in on himself. Mikey thought that, if he could, Raph would pull his head into his shell. 

Are you thankful that he can’t pick up that habit of hiding from you?

Mikey shook his head, shaking the thought away. “That’ll take a while of work, but for now, you need to take it easy. Be kinder to yourself. If I find you in the dojo before 7am one more time, I’ll drag your ass to bed myself, that’s a promise.” The box turtle smiled, only half-joking. 

Raph nodded, a little reluctant. “Okay. No early-morning training.”

Mikey could tell the question Raph wanted to ask, and he answered before the snapping turtle even got the chance to say it. “Training in and of itself is fine, it only becomes a problem when you do it too much. You can train, but you can’t train every day without any long enough breaks. I won’t stop you from training at all , I just want you to put limits on it so you can’t exhaust yourself anymore.”

The snapping turtle smiled. “Right. I will, I promise.”

Mikey smiled back, pushing himself to his feet. He hadn’t really noticed how exhausted he felt from the past few nights of little sleep until then, cringing slightly at the way the bones in his knees popped. 

He didn’t have much more to say, just a few things he’d wanted to mention before letting Raph flee the TV room, hopefully he’d go to his room instead of the dojo now. Mikey couldn’t help but feel a little bit relieved at the thought of flopping down into his hammock-bed after this, sleeping through the rest of the day and night.

Without thinking, he scratched at where his sweater sleeves hugged his wrists, adjusting them as he did. It wasn’t awful , but the way that his arms were effectively double-layered from both the sweater and the bandages wrapped around them made him slightly uncomfortable. 

He was thankful, however, for the way that the sweater provided extra protection from his brothers noticing if his arms ever flared up randomly. He tried not to draw attention to his arms, either. They had a habit of worrying for him. 

Though sometimes, he couldn’t resist the urge to alleviate some of his discomfort by scratching at his wrists, right where the bandages ended. It was fine when he did, it was an unnoticeable movement that would look meaningless to someone who didn’t know the context of his bandaged and scarred arms.

Except that this time he was with Raph. Except that Raph noticed. He noticed and he remembered how no one had checked on Mikey’s mystic scars since Draxum had stopped by their home the day after the invasion. 

Raph frowned, he spoke, startling the box turtle out of his own thoughts. “How are your scars doing?”

Mikey stopped dead in his tracks, slowly turning around. No one had asked him about his scars, not for a while. He hid them for a reason. Mikey smiled nervously. “Hm?”

Raph said something else, probably repeating the question, but Mikey didn’t hear him. A wave of panic crashed through him for no discernible reason. It was just a question, a fair question to ask, at that.

Why did it freak him out this much?

---

Mikey sat at his desk. It was three in the morning...at least, he was pretty sure it was. He can’t remember the last time he checked the time.

Every moment had been a blur the past two days.

It had only been two days since the invasion.

Draxum had visited. He was quite annoyed that they hadn’t called him during the invasion, fascinated by the future boy, and...almost horrified at the sight of what Mikey had done to his arms. It was hard to tell what the sheepman was feeling sometimes, but that was Mikey’s best guess. In any other context he would have been overjoyed that Draxum actually worried and cared for him.

The sheepman looked over his scars, looked at Mikey, and said “You should be dead.”

The box turtle was thankful that his brothers didn’t hear that news. Leo was in a coma, Donnie was checking his injuries again, and Raph was sticking by the softshell to help with whatever he could. Mikey asked Draxum to leave the medbay, so they wouldn’t be overcrowded, in order for his scars to be assessed.

Mikey remembered it well, every word his yokai father had said to him. That amount of mystic energy being used at once should have torn his body apart, and it would have if Raph and Donnie hadn’t been there. If not for his brothers, Mikey’s body would have cracked to pieces until he finally burst into light, floating away into the night sky like stars.

Mikey didn’t say much to him at the time. Only thinking about how he didn’t react how he should have.

He felt nothing but indifference.

He didn’t want to die, but he felt that even if he had known he would have died opening the portal, he would have done it anyway. Anything for Leo to still be here.

What does it matter now, anyway? He didn’t die. Leo didn’t either. They were both here, and that was all that matters.

Draxum told him that he shouldn’t use his mystic powers until his arms had time to heal. He mentioned that Mikey might have trouble using his hands for a while, but Mikey was too lost in thought to hear the details.

He didn’t fully understand.

Now, sitting at his desk, he did. 

His hands shook, barely able to grip the pencil, his scars glowing orange and lighting up the dark space of his room. A few torn and crumpled pages littered the desk and floor around him. If he could, he would have snapped the pencil in half, but he didn’t have the strength to. 

No, that’s not right. It’s not that he didn’t have the strength, it’s that he couldn’t hold it steady enough to break the wood.

Silent tears fell onto the desk, dampening the page. His vision blurred from the tears that had gathered in his eyes, making him unable to recognize what he had tried to draw. He couldn’t remember what it was supposed to be.

His shoulders shook as he sobbed silently. Even now, in the despair he felt at being unable to create, he had the fear of waking his brothers. Of making them worry. He thought that if one of them found him here and asked what was wrong, he would start to wail. 

He didn’t know how long he sat there, crying, staring blankly at the page, doing nothing to stop the steady flow of tears that dripped down the sides of his face and made a pool on the desk. Eventually, he let the pencil fall out of his hand. He leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling above him.

He let his hands fall limply into his lap, which continued to shake and glow. His neck started to feel damp from the streaks of tears that rolled down his face.

He didn’t know what to do. What could he do if he couldn’t create? Not only did he think of how he couldn’t draw, but how he wouldn’t be able to cook for his family in the morning. He wouldn’t be able to hold his nunchucks, either.

He stared upwards with dull eyes.

What good was he now, when he couldn’t even hold a pencil?

He choked down another sob, burying his face in his arms on the desk. When he closed his eyes, he could still see the glow he emitted.

He wanted to go outside. To walk into Donnie’s lab and sit next to him as he worked. To wake Raph and hug his oldest brother until he couldn’t cry anymore. To barge into Leo’s room, find the slider already awake, and read comics over his older brother’s shoulder. 

But he couldn’t.

Donnie was exhausted, working in the Medbay, he hadn't set foot out of that room. Raph is either pacing around in the Medbay or alone training in the dojo. And Leo...

If he could, Mikey would dig his fingers into his arms. 

He felt trapped in his own room. He felt like he wasn’t getting enough air, like he couldn’t breathe. 

But he can’t leave. They’ll worry. They’ll worry, they deal with enough. 

‘They deserve better than to be bothered by your shit.’ He told himself.

‘They went through so much more than you.’

---

Mikey breathed deeply, staring at his older brother. He didn’t know how to respond. His mind seemed to blank, thinking of nothing but that night.

He still had days like that. Sometimes, they shook so uncontrollably that he could barely lift his arms. 

He felt the panic creep up on him. He felt like he had to run, but what did he need to run from? Where would he even go?

That night was when he really made the decision to not talk about it all. About his own issues, with the invasion and his scars. He hadn’t suffered as much as they did, and even so, he would do everything that he did again without hesitation if he had to relive it all.

He’d rather deal with it himself, rather than make his brothers deal with it. Some part of him knew it wasn’t right, that it was only hurting him, but the rest of him didn’t care.

If it meant that they were better off, he didn’t care what happened to him. They mattered more.

Mikey didn’t realize how long he’d been silent for, not until he heard Raph speak again. “Mikey?”

It wasn’t much, the hint of concern in his voice, but it made Mikey want to cry. A tremor ran up Mikey’s arms. He knew without looking that they lit up.

Raph spoke again, and the terrified and anxious edge it had made Mikey’s eyes water and his heart break in two.

“...Mikey?”

Chapter Text

“How are your scars doing?”

Mikey felt like he was frozen to the ground where he stood. How was he meant to answer that? He felt a tremor go up his arms. Just a slight shake, but it was enough to fill him with fear.

Raph only stared at him, patient and concerned.

Mikey hated lying. He hated lying to his brother like this, but at the same time, knowing how much an answer, or no answer, would worry him made it all feel so much worse. He had enough to deal with. He shouldn’t have to deal with Mikey’s emotional shit along with his own.

Still, he wanted to do anything but answer.

So he tried to find an excuse.

Mikey forced a smile, though he was visibly nervous. “I-it’s fine, uh, why don’t I just finish up here and-”

The snapping turtle suddenly got much more serious, and cut Mikey off before he could say another word. “Mikey, if something’s wrong-”

The box turtle shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong!” He felt his eyes start to water, and he cursed himself for not being able to react normally to the question. He should be fine. He was supposed to be fine. 

Mikey can’t lie. He can’t lie about something serious like that, the guilt gets to him. He needs something that’s not entirely a lie. 

Mikey forced a smile. “Uhm, I think I just need a nap, y’know? I stayed up real late to get this set up and I’m just really tired.”

Raph frowned. “Mikey-”

“Exhaustion can lead to some really weird emotions!” Mikey didn’t let him raise any more concerns. He didn’t have a real answer. As he had been speaking, Mikey had shuffled closer to the door. “Bye Raphie!!”

He slips out and immediately heads for his room. He can’t tell if he’s running or not, he feels like he’s moving slower than he should. Like he’s in a dream. Maybe it’s a nightmare, except he’s running from his family. They’d never hurt him.

He thinks he passed Leo and Donnie. Leo might have tried to say something, but Mikey wasn’t paying attention. He just sped right past them both, stumbling into his subway car and shutting the doors behind him. He locked them, sighing as he leaned against the doors.

He took a deep breath, realizing how suffocating the sweater he was in felt. He reached a hand up to his face, taking off the glasses he always wore when putting on the Dr. Feelings persona.

It was then he realized just how much his hands were trembling. He could hear the quiet, plastic clicking sounds the glasses made as the parts that held it together tapped against each other with the shaking of his hand. 

He folded them shut, setting them aside somewhere nearby. They’d probably get lost, but he didn’t care.

Just when Mikey was about to move, he heard voices from just outside his room. His breath caught in his throat for a moment as he recognized his brothers’ voices, and he struggled to understand what they were saying. 

Eventually, he slid the rest of the way down the door and sat on the floor with his back to it. He pulled his knees up to his chest and listened.

“No, don’t try it.” Leo. “If he locked the door, he probably doesn’t want to talk.”

Raph spoke next, his voice was closer. “No, seriously. He seemed really freaked out. I don’t want to just leave him alone in there. I- I’m worried.”

Mikey hugged his knees.

“I don’t think forcing him to talk would do him any good.” Leo responded. “Why did he run out like that anyways?”

“I don’t know!” Raph’s tone made Mikey sink his head into his shell. “I asked him about his scars and he started acting weird. Said he was tired and left.”

“His scars?” Donnie. The softshell had been so quiet, Mikey hadn’t even realized he was there. “Hm. Well, I think it’s the same policy as when he’s stuck in his shell. Leave him be until he wants to come out again.”

“You sure?” Raph asked.

Mikey could almost hear Donnie shrug. “If he really is just tired, then we should let him rest.”

There were a few more words said, but Mikey tuned them out. A sinking feeling of guilt formed in his gut. He stared ahead of him, hugging his knees until he heard footsteps walking away from his subway car. Silence filled the air, and he felt like he could breathe a little more clearly.

He didn’t move for a while, though he didn't know for how long. The only movement in the room was the steady, unending trembling of his arms. 

Eventually, he decided that the tight feeling of the clothes he was wearing was too much, and began to move. He pushed himself off of the floor and changed back into his usual clothes.

It was like he was moving on auto-pilot. Motions and actions were blurred and he didn’t even fully realize he was moving at all, too lost in thought.

Until he saw his arms.

That same painfully familiar orange-gold glow emanated beneath the bandages wrapped tightly over his scars. 

Suddenly, he felt like he couldn’t breathe again. The room felt too small, hell, the lair felt too small.

How long have they been like this?

Could they have seen? Did they see?

No. They wouldn’t have left.

But what if they just hadn’t noticed?

He had to leave. He needed to get away, to get out of that room and go somewhere . At least until the glow subsided.

Before he could think any further, shuffled through his laundry and found an orange hoodie. He put it on to better conceal the golden light. He had decided he needed to cover his arms before they were shaking too much for him to do anything.

He needed to leave before they were shaking too much for him to climb out of the sewers.

Was that where he wanted to go? Topside? Did he even know where he wanted to go?

Away from here. 

He puts his head to the door to try to listen, but hears no one nearby. There weren’t any easy to reach side exits that he knew of, so he just had to hope that everyone was in their rooms.

He quietly opened the doors to his subway car, glancing from side to side before sneaking away.

He didn’t check where everyone was as he beelined out of the lair, he could barely hear anything over his own thoughts. Everything felt too loud, but nothing could really register in his mind for him to consider what the sounds were from or what they meant. All that mattered was that nothing was in his way as he entered the sewers.

He usually didn’t mind the sewers, in fact, he’d loved his home for his entire life. But for some reason, Mikey couldn’t stand to be in them at the moment. He’d lived down there long enough to not even notice the smell, but now the humid air and damp floors made everything feel so much worse. 

Everything felt like it was too much. It was all overwhelming. Every feeling, every sound, every thought.

He couldn’t have been more relieved when he reached a manhole cover. He climbed out of the sewer, admittedly with a little difficulty from his trembling hands, but at last he was out of the sewers and away from the lair.

It didn’t make him feel completely okay, but being in the open air did make it a little easier for him to breathe. He didn’t have anywhere he wanted to go, or anyone he thought he could go to, so he did the same thing as when he had gone for a walk days earlier.

He just started walking.

It wasn’t quite the same, though, he did have something of a goal in mind. He just wanted to go somewhere quiet. Away from people, away from the lair, somewhere he could just sit and think without the world around him being as suffocating as his own thoughts.

He didn’t really bother to walk through alleys or on roofs. It was getting late in the evening, which made him realize how long he had been in his room for, and many people had gone to their homes for the day. Combine that with the fact that there weren’t many people working in New York or even still living there because of the invasion, the streets were mostly empty of people.

Besides, after an alien invasion, most people didn’t care about seeing some teenager with green skin and an orange mask. They’d seen weirder, more life-threatening shit already.

The hoodie did enough to cover up the fact that he had a shell, at least. Thankfully, no one came up to him. He only saw one or two people from a distance. He just kept walking. He walked quickly, like he was trying to get away from something, but there was nothing behind him. He felt like he was out of breath.

It got dark. He wasn’t sure if his family knew that he left by now, but if they did then they weren’t doing anything about it. Not yet.

He didn’t think about what they would do or how they would react. He couldn’t. He had too much to think about already.

Eventually, he found himself in a park. At a little playground he’d been to before. It was quiet, familiar in a comforting way. He didn’t feel like sitting down just yet, he still felt restless. So he started pacing.

He liked to pace or spin in a chair to help himself think. It was nice to keep himself moving when he felt the need to, and when his mind was racing he felt like his body needed to as well.

Though now it wasn’t just moving for the sake of moving. He felt like he couldn’t stand still. He needed to move, he needed to get out some of the anxiety he felt.

He walked in a line, back and forth, letting himself get lost in his mind and finally address the thoughts that had been plaguing him since he was still in his room.

He was frustrated. Frustrated at himself for stressing out his family, especially Raph. He was supposed to be helping them, but he couldn’t even answer such a simple question.

Why couldn’t he just lie? It would have been so easy to say things were fine. To say that nothing at all had happened since they were initially bleeding after the invasion.

Except it wouldn’t be easy to lie, because he knew that none of it was true. There was nothing even slightly true that he could have told Raph. Mikey knew that he could never look any of his family in the eyes and tell them such a blatant lie. It made him feel guilty and ashamed. 

He felt like he should have no reason to lie to his family, but he does. Whether those reasons would be seen as reasonable by anyone other than him, that didn’t matter. He couldn’t upset them. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he caused them any more stress than they already had to deal with.

Maybe that’s why he was also upset with himself for just running away. He felt like a coward for running away from the problem without telling his family where he was going. It would only make things worse if they found out he was gone. He had no plans on how to get back into the lair without them spotting him, let alone what he would do if someone were to notice he was gone.

Would they come and find him themselves? Would they wait for him to return? Would they be angry with him?

He didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it.

He’s also frustrated about not being able to deal with his mystic bullshit by himself. He feels like he should have it figured out by now. Like he should have some kind of solution for his shaking and glowing other than concealing his arms so his family can’t see. 

In the time since he left the lair, his hands hadn’t gotten any better. He was still shaking. On the way to the park, he just shoved his hands in his sleeves and hoodie pockets to hide it as much as possible. Whether he was trying to make it so that other people couldn’t see it or he couldn’t see it, he didn’t know. 

Now, he held his hands close to his body, hovering close to his plastron just in front of him. His hands were starting to feel hot, and he felt like he couldn’t handle them being in his pockets or sleeves anymore.

He knows that none of what he’s doing is healthy but the alternative is stressing his family and he can’t have that. All he wants is to be able to handle it himself, to not bother them, because he should be able to handle it on his own.

Mikey started to walk faster. Did they know by now? Were they coming for him? Did they even know where he was? They must, if they knew he was gone. It would be easy for Donnie to find him. That wasn’t comforting to him, though.

It all felt loud. Every thought he had. He didn’t want to think anymore. He didn’t want to think about any of it. He felt cold, afraid, anxious, overwhelmed, every emotion was another crushing weight on his mind.

He wished everything would go away. He wished he could stop feeling as shitty as he did.

I wish it would all just shut up.

At that moment, he clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palms. He shut his eyes as tight as he could, but he could still see the bright light that flashed across his scars. They got brighter, they were hot to the touch and looked like they would burn through the bandages.

For a second, just a second, Mikey couldn’t feel a thing.

Not guilt. Not dread. Not frustration. Anxiety, fear, stress, none of it.

When Mikey opened his eyes, he could feel again, but now those emotions were replaced with shock and curiosity.

He looked at his scars, and though his hands were still trembling, he could move a little easier. He gently unwrapped one hand and traced his finger up his arm, looking at the light and feeling the heat beneath the surface of his skin.

It was like when he opened the portal, but different. It didn’t take much for him to realize that he had used his mystic powers, without intending to, for the first time since he opened the portal. 

But what had he done? What was that?

He tried to think back to when Draxum taught him a few things about mystics on the same visit he looked over Mikey’s scars. Mikey had trouble paying attention after getting the news that he really did almost die because of the portal, but he could still remember some of it.

What did he say again? 

“Although there are spells that mystic users can learn, more experienced or high-energy yokai can use mystics with just focus and will. You were able to open the portal because you had a specific goal in mind, and by focusing on that thought, you were able to make it a reality.”

Focusing on a thought.

‘Bring Leo home.’

That felt familiar.

Mikey wouldn’t call himself experienced, even with all that Casey Jr. says about the future version of the box turtle being a mystic warrior. High-energy, though?

He had enough mystic energy to open a portal to another dimension.

Mikey considered what his yokai father had said to him. What was he thinking about? Silence. Emotional serenity.

No.

Emotionlessness.

He closed his eyes, focusing on that word. On that idea.

Feel nothing.

The feeling returned. Or, really, the lack of feeling. No more curiosity, shock, nor the previous anxiety and stress. But he doesn’t feel calm either.

It was a strange sensation of emptiness that he couldn’t quite describe.

It was nothing. 

He feels nothing.

He seems to forget what exactly made him upset in the first place to cause him to wish to feel nothing.

Extreme apathy, maybe? Except it wasn’t just lack of care, it was lack of anything.

He started to think. He could hear both therapists, Dr. Feelings and Dr. DelicateTouch, screaming at him in the back of his mind. About how it was a stupid idea, how he wasn’t solving anything, how ignoring it wasn’t a solution and would only make things worse, but he ignored it.

He almost started crying today because of a question. He couldn’t keep a level head and because of that he made Raph worried. He made all of his brothers worried.

If couldn’t feel any of it, then he would be able to smile and say he’s fine. He would be able to look at them and say that his scars were doing fine. He would be able to help them without worrying about himself or them worrying about him. 

Slowly, he rewrapped his arm. The glow was constant, though the shaking had slowed by now, and the bandages were enough to cover the light.

He left the park, retracing his path through New York peacefully at a much slower pace than when he had walked through in a panic a few hours before.

When he reached the same manhole cover he had left the sewers through, he felt no discomfort hopping into the sewer and feeling the wet floor beneath his feet. He barely noticed the humidity compared to the cold night air on the streets above him.

He didn’t think about much as he walked back through the lair, finding that none of his brothers had noticed his absence. He ditched the hoodie once he reached his room, slipping into his hammock-bed to get what sleep he could before he had to get up again for breakfast.

He had some damage control to do in the morning.

Chapter Text

Mikey didn’t know how much sleep he got, he’d forgotten to check the time when he got back. He knew that it was probably less than five hours though.

He didn’t move for a while, just staring at the ceiling above him. He still couldn’t feel anything, which his mind counted as a good thing.

Though his arms did ache, they weren’t shaking. Maybe it was just a side effect. Nothing he couldn’t deal with.

Mikey realized that he had woken up before his alarm, and reached for his phone to disable it before it went off. When he unlocked his phone though, he noticed a text message from Raph. It had been sent yesterday but he’d missed it because he hadn’t taken his phone with him topside.

‘Sorry I made you upset. Come out whenever you’re ready big man :)’

Mikey thought that he should smile at that, or maybe be a little concerned that Raph thought it was his fault Mikey left. He could tell what he was supposed to feel, and maybe in the back of his mind somewhere, he did. He could tell what was missing, what emotional reaction he was supposed to have.

Like the feelings were only muffled, not silenced.

He left his phone by his bed, pushing himself upright and hopping out of his hammock-bed, almost falling over in the process.

Mikey could feel himself sway on his feet as he walked, but he forced himself to keep moving. He had no idea what he was going to make for breakfast at that point, but he decided that he did not trust himself with the stove or a knife when he was fighting off sleep every time he blinked.

A waffle iron though? Perfectly safe.

He wasn’t big on the taste of coffee, and preferred heavily sweetened iced coffee over anything fresh from the coffee maker. When he checked the fridge, though, he found that the jug that he would usually keep coffee in to cool was completely empty. 

No energy drinks either. How lucky. He’d just have to deal with being exhausted today.

He didn’t pay much attention to anything he was doing as he mixed the batter, barely managing to avoid burning his fingers as he began to cook the waffles.

Waffles were one of the easier things for him to make for breakfast, as his family wasn’t as picky with what they ate with a lot of other foods.

Leo liked them the same way he liked pancakes, just a lot of chocolate. Raph didn’t care for how they were cooked, he just liked eating them with any kind of jam. Donnie usually just enjoyed them plain with some syrup. 

It required little to no effort from him, he could make a batch the same for everyone and his brothers were fine adding their own toppings. Leave some extra in the fridge for Splinter and he’d be done, free to retreat back into his room to decide what he’d do next.

Lost in thought, he hadn’t noticed that Raph had entered the kitchen until he heard a quiet “Good morning, Mike!” from behind him.

Mikey’s eyes shot open, realizing that the waffle currently in the iron was about to burn, and quickly taking it out. “Shit- uh, hey Raph!”

He glanced over his shoulder to see the snapping turtle already at the table. Mikey hadn’t even heard him sit down. Raph looked at his youngest brother with a soft smile on his face. “Are you feeling alright?”

Mikey smiled back. “Yeah, I’m better.”

That was a lie. His arms ached and he felt like he could pass out any minute, but he felt none of the guilt he usually did. He didn’t even hesitate to lie.

He glanced at his arms, thankful that none of the glow he knew was there was leaking through the bandages.

Mikey’s reassurance that he was doing fine didn’t do much to calm Raph’s nerves, the box turtle could tell that much, but Raph didn’t say anything else. He just looked at Mikey with concern that would usually make Mikey’s skin crawl. He forced himself to focus 

He felt much more on edge with another person in the room with him, but he forced himself to stand up straight with a smile on his face. It was like when he wasn’t spending all of his energy focusing on dulling his emotions, they could slip through a little. When he had to divide his attention, he could tell what was meant to be there. What he wasn’t feeling the effects of.

Once it was empty, he tossed the mixing bowl into the sink. As usually, he set aside breakfast for Splinter in the fridge before setting out food for his brothers. He didn’t make plates for everyone this time, he didn’t think he had the energy to anyway. He just set out extra toppings on the table.

Raph was quiet, his emotions were easy to read. He didn’t try to hide anything often, whether positive or negative. He was concerned.

That was Mikey’s fault.

The box turtle unplugged the waffle iron now that breakfast was made, and turned to his older brother. “Well, I’ve gotta go get the twins. You don’t need to wait to start eating, just grab whatever you like!”

Raph shook his head, standing. “I’ll get them, you should take a break. Sit down for a while.” He didn’t give Mikey any time to object, leaving the kitchen before the box turtle could even process what he’d said.

Fuck. He can’t just leave now, Raph would go and find him if he returned to find Mikey gone. Sitting down didn’t sound too bad to him, though, and he sat in his usual spot at the table. It’d been unused for a while.

He stared blankly at the wall ahead of him. He’d wanted to get back to his room as soon as possible so he could consider where he should go from here in terms of making sure his family kept to their promises of taking care of themselves. Not only that, but he was confident that their problems weren’t all solved. No one is just okay after one therapy session. There was something not right still.

He still had to deal with the shit from yesterday too. Raph was already anxious over it, he had no idea how Leo and Donnie were reacting. He might have made it worse by disappearing for the entire day.

He didn’t hear anyone coming back towards the kitchen yet. Were they already up? Were they talking about him?

He looked at the waffles he’d made for breakfast.

Maybe they’d worry less if they saw him eating. After all, he hadn’t had breakfast with them since...maybe a week after the invasion? He’d lost track. It was shortly after Leo woke up from his coma that Mikey went to his room immediately after cooking each morning.

He had no appetite, and the thought of eating anything made him feel sick, but he could handle it. Anything to show his family that he was doing fine.

Initially, he hadn’t set out a plate for himself, so he had to get one. Luckily, he was sitting down again before Raph returned to the kitchen with the twins.

He could see the surprise on their faces when they saw him sitting down to eat with them.

He only took two waffles. He didn’t put anything on them and ate as slow as possible. 

He didn’t pay much attention to the conversation, he was too tired to. None of them mentioned the night before. Well, they didn’t mention it directly. They made their concerns very clear.

Every once in a while, one of them would ask him something along the lines of ‘Are you alright?’ or ‘Are you feeling okay?’. He told them he was fine every time, and he was. He couldn’t feel anything but fine.

He kept a smile on his face, though he was still fighting to keep his eyes open.

Now that he was with his brother for breakfast, though, he noticed something in the way Raph talked to Leo. Leo was normal, smiling and joking, in a way Mikey could tell was genuine, but Raph was quiet. There was a hint of hesitation every time he spoke.

Mikey took note of it.

When breakfast was done, he was the first to leave. 

Immediately he went back to his room. He almost jumped back into his hammock-bed to sleep the rest of the day away, but he stopped himself. He had work to do.

He sat against the door, thinking that if he sat on anything more comfortable than the floor he might just pass out. He had to think of a plan. Of what he’d do next.

Well, first off, he needed to know what he needed to do. Make sure his brothers didn’t worry too much about what happened yesterday, obviously, but that wouldn’t be too much trouble. Maybe Raph would give him more issue, the snapping turtle was always something of a mother hen, but he hoped he could convince both Leo and Donnie that nothing was wrong quickly.

After all, he had no trouble lying now.

The issue was he didn’t know where to start. He got them to see how they needed to take better care of themselves, emotionally and physically, he knew that he needed to tackle the issue of the invasion, which was much more complicated.

There was only one way to solve that. He’d never know where to start unless he just talked to them himself.

He considered who he’d find to talk to first, just to do a little ‘how are you?’ check to see how everyone was, but Raph found him first.

He hadn’t even heard his brother leave the kitchen before Raph knocked on his door, and he could tell it was Raph by the sound. He quickly jumped to his feet, quickly taking a seat in his chair by his desk instead of sitting on the floor. He tried to make it look like he was busy working on something. “Chello!!”

The snapping turtle opened the door a few moments after Mikey responded. He left it open slightly behind him, he seemed even more nervous now than when he was earlier. “Hey, Mikey. I- Are you...okay?”

Mikey’s tooth gap showed through his smile. “I told you guys, I’m fine!”

Raph shook his head. “I know, but after yesterday I just wanted to say that I’m sorry if I overstepped by asking you about your scars. I shouldn’t have-”

“No, no, Raph, it’s fine. I’m not upset.” It was Mikey’s fault. All because he couldn’t lie, all because he couldn’t answer his brother honestly. “You didn’t do anything wrong, don’t say that.”

He slid off of his chair and stepped towards his older brother, opening his arms to offer a hug. Raph accepted, and wrapped his arms around his little brother, having to kneel down to reach without picking the smaller turtle up. 

“Like I told you yesterday, I was just tired.” He smiled, leaning his head on Raph’s shoulder. 

“My scars are fine.”

Raph didn’t say anything else. He stayed still for a moment longer before backing away and leaving the room. Once he shut the door it was quiet once again.

Mikey tightened the bandages wrapped around his arms. He wished he’d known how to do this mystic emotion stuff earlier, maybe he wouldn’t have been in the mess he was yesterday. Then he would have been able to continue on with helping his brothers with no issue, but now he feels like he’s been set back on his progress, with Raph especially.

He should really come up with a name for it.

He decided to count that as his check in with Raph for the day, the anxious state the snapping turtle was in was obvious to anyone who even looked at him, and it was really obvious to Mikey. His family was easy for him to read.

He took a minute to sit and gather his thoughts, to decide what he wanted to say to the twins and to make sure Raph would be gone by the time he left his room.

He glanced both ways when he opened the door to his room again, and once he was sure the hall was empty, he stepped out. Mikey wasn’t entirely sure where Leo would be, and glanced into rooms as he passed them on the way to the slider’s subway car. He didn’t see his brother, and yet again, Mikey found him in his room.

He knocked on the door, hearing a quiet greeting in response. Opening the door, he was shocked to see that the floor was rather clean. A space had been cleared out in the center of the room, and Leo was using it to stretch. Right, it was probably something to do with physical therapy for his leg. The slider still couldn’t get around well without his crutch, of course, so he was sitting on the floor. 

Leo smiled at him, though he looked a little surprised. “Mikey! Do you need somethin’?”

Mikey shook his head. “Nope! Just stopping by. Am I interrupting?”

“Nah. I’m pretty much done. Donnie says I have to do these stretches three times a day, he’s pretty strict about it even though I think I’m the least likely turtle here to ignore medical advice. I mean, I’m the one who usually gives it.”

The box turtle crouched down to the floor to be eye level with his older brother. “I think it’s ‘cause he cares.”

Leo shrugged. “Yeah.”

It went silent, and the older turtle stared at Mikey for a long while. He could see the concern grow on Leo’s face. Did he really look that bad? Sure, he was a little tired, but was it that obvious?

“Did you get some sleep yesterday?” The slider asked.

Mikey wasn’t surprised, he really couldn’t be, but he had been expecting that question. Everything was about yesterday. He wished he could ignore it, but it seemed that was the only thing anyone could think about when they saw him today. Maybe he really should catch up on sleep.

Still, Mikey forced a smile, which he had already become quite used to doing. “Yeah! I’m feeling better.”

Mikey could tell Leo didn’t fully believe that, but that was something he could worry about later. There was nothing he could do but insist he was feeling alright.

Mikey stood up, stretching out his legs. “Guess I’ll leave you be. Good luck with your physical therapy stuff.”

Leo didn’t smile back when Mikey did. At least he was following the box turtle’s advice about being more honest with his emotions. “Get some more rest, alright? No staying up to finish projects or anything, I don’t wanna have to give you that talk again.”

“I won’t, promise.” Mikey stepped out, shutting the door behind him and immediately setting off towards Donnie’s lab.

He used to get hyper focused on things a lot and stay up all night to work on art projects. He stopped doing it as often when Leo got upset with him over it. He thought he’d kicked that habit.

Maybe not.

The lab door was shut, as it usually was, but Donnie always opened for Mikey. When the box turtle knocked, though, he heard the door click and unlock faster than it usually did.

The lab was no different than it usually was, a small amount of clutter and various inventions and projects that Mikey couldn’t make much sense of. Donnie was sitting at his desk, his chair turned to face the box turtle. He didn’t look like he was on the verge of passing out at least.

Mikey smiled and waved, stepping into the purple themed room. “Hi Don!” The softshell seemed like he was gonna respond, but Mikey spoke again before he could, staring at Donnie's monitor. For once, it wasn’t blank, but Mikey, like most things in Donnie’s lab, couldn’t understand what it was with just a glance. “Whatcha workin’ on?”

Donnie seemed startled. “Nothing important. Just...some system updates.”

Mikey blinked. He’s sat in Donnie’s lab while he was working enough times that that answer didn’t really make sense, but he wouldn’t ask him anything further. “Cool! How’s it going?”

“Fine.” He answered, and it was quiet.

There was that look again. Silent concern. Donnie generally did better at hiding his expression than the older two brothers, but Mikey could still tell what he was thinking.

Mikey tried to ignore it, kneeling on the floor and leaning his head onto the desk, resting it in his arms. He looked at the monitor, trying to read what it said, but he couldn’t read the writing.

Donnie finally asked the box turtle exactly what he was expecting. “Did you sleep well?”

Mikey nodded, ready to give the same answer he’d given to that question all that day, before Donnie said something else that did catch him off guard.

“You’re lying.”

If not for mystics, Mikey probably would have panicked.

The box turtle lifted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I can see eye bags through your mask.” The softshell pointed out.

Ah, that’s a familiar line.

Mikey shook his head. “I admit I haven’t been sleeping well, but eye bags don’t go away in one night, you know that as well as me.” 

Donnie didn’t have a response for that, he probably knew that his were still there as well. 

Mikey gave him a softer smile. “I promise I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about it. I’m going right back to my room after this, no work at all.”

After a few seconds, the softshell gave a quick nod. “Get some rest, Angelo.”

Mikey only promised that he would before leaving the lab. He heard it lock behind him. 

When Mikey got back to his room, he crashed down into his bed. He untied his mask from around his face, something he’s admittedly been forgetting to do before sleeping recently, and turned on his phone camera to use as a mirror.

Pizza supreme, he did look tired.

He had been tempted to stay up for a little longer, do some more thinking about what he’d learned today, but he decided he would keep true on that promise to Donnie and get some sleep. He could think as he fell asleep anyway.

He wasn’t entirely sure what to do next, or really who he should talk to more next.

Leo had at least listened to being more honest about his feelings, Mikey could tell that much. There was something still off about him, though. Mikey would just have to talk to him some more, he had been the most closed off about talking about what happened during the invasion. No one really wanted to talk about it, but Leo was very clearly trying to avoid even thinking about it.

Donnie was hiding whatever he was working on. Mikey had no clue what it could be, but from what he could gather on a surface level from Donnie’s monitor, the ‘system updates’ excuse was definitely a lie. A poor one, at that. Mikey had decided against asking the softshell more about it today, but he’d probably talk to him again later.

Raph was who Mikey was really worried about.

The snapping turtle was nothing but nervous, and was clearly the most concerned over Mikey’s breakdown the day before. Mikey was still upset at himself for that. He should have done better.

He was acting strange in general, like he was constantly walking on eggshells around them. Why? 

The only good thing was that considering Raph went to the kitchen that morning himself without Mikey having to wake him—even if it had been motivated by concern for the box turtle—meant that he wasn’t training so early in the morning that day.

Mikey sighed, letting his heavy eyelids fall shut. 

He’d make a plan tomorrow.

Chapter Text

When Mikey awoke, though he was well rested, the ache in his arms was still there. At least that confirms it’s a side effect of the mystics. Maybe that’s what Draxum was talking about when he said Mikey shouldn’t use his mystic powers for a while after the portal incident.

Four weeks was evidently not enough time for his arms to heal properly. It was only temporary, though! It’s not like it’d be forever , just until his family was stable. Then he could get himself together.

Still, he decided that it was too much today for him to make breakfast with his arms feeling like this. He’d just leave a note in the kitchen to let his brothers know, just in case they went looking when he didn’t come to get them for breakfast that morning. He should do that now instead of sitting in bed, though. He hadn’t set an alarm and it was already well past the time he’d usually make breakfast.

He sat up in his hammock-bed, stretching out his arms and ignoring the slight pain he felt in response. 

He paused before he stood up, remembering what he thought about the previous day before he went to sleep.

Right. He needed to talk to Raph today.

Now that he had slept on it, he was sure of what he wanted to say to the snapping turtle. As he got to his feet and walked to the kitchen he gave it some more thought, and was pretty certain on why Raph seemed so nervous around them, especially Leo.

‘I failed to protect you already.’

Mikey guessed that his panic attack had sort of reignited that idea, especially since it was in reference to his scars. The box turtle wouldn’t be surprised if Raph somehow blamed himself for that, even though he technically helped Mikey and stopped it from being worse.

‘Worse’ meaning ‘deadly’.

Mikey had almost forgotten that he never told them that he’d almost died opening the portal.

He probably never would. He wasn’t sure he wanted to. He’d rather bury the entire conversation he’d had with Draxum about his scars so he didn’t have to think about it again. He wished he’d been blissfully unaware, even if it was better for him to know more about mystics.

The orange turtle shook the thought away. He had more important things to worry about. He quickly wrote a note and stuck it on the fridge, even including a little doodle of himself smiling in the bottom corner.

‘I woke up a little later and couldn’t make breakfast, help yourself to cereal if you want any :D’

He sighed, swiftly walking out of the kitchen just in case one of his brothers would decide to check at that moment and run into him.

He didn’t want to go and talk to Raph immediately, he was still feeling drowsy from waking up, and he thought that the snapping turtle might just send him back to bed. It’d be just like his oldest brother to worry too much about it.

So, he wandered into the TV room.

He was surprised to see it empty, and he assumed that Splinter was just sleeping in. It was easy to tell that the rat man had been quick to reclaim the room once Mikey was done using it. 

The box turtle had done a little cleaning up for the sake of his seminars, but it was already undone. Good thing he wasn’t planning on making more presentations for a while.

It was always at least a little messy, but in an almost comforting way. Mikey couldn’t imagine the room, or any room in the lair really, being clean. The only exceptions were Raph’s room and the dojo. 

Mikey didn’t really want to do anything. His mind was pretty set on talking to Raph, and he always found that when he was waiting for something to happen, he couldn’t do anything else while waiting for it.

So he found himself just standing by the wall near the projector screen, nothing but his thoughts to entertain him. 

He had trouble thinking about anything other than mystics. Among all the emotions he could still sense in the back of his mind, the most prominent one was doubt. Doubt of what? He wasn’t sure.

It didn’t matter though. He couldn’t feel it anyway.

He could only hope that the ache in his arms would either fade on their own or he would become so used to it he wouldn’t even notice anymore. 

He had gotten very used to the feeling of nothing. He didn’t know if that thought was comforting or not, he wouldn’t be able to tell.

He fiddled with his bandages. It wasn’t visible, but he guessed that they glowed constantly now, even if only slightly. 

While he was distracted, he hadn’t noticed someone enter the room until he heard Splinter speak. “Orange?”

Mikey looked up and smiled at his father. “Oh- Hey Pops.” He heard movement outside the room somewhere else in the lair, and Mikey realized he must have been standing there longer than he thought. Long enough for his brothers to be up, at least, which could be quiet late in the day when Mikey didn’t wake them.

The box turtle pushed himself upright from where he was previously leaning against the wall, taking a step towards the door. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

The rat man shook his head. “Don’t be sorry.” He smiled at his youngest son, but it seemed almost...reserved. Hesitant. The same worry and concern he saw on everyone’s faces when they looked at him. Mikey had hated it, but he also felt the sense of guilt for being upset that his family cared about him enough to be concerned.

Really, he was always upset at himself for making them feel that way. They shouldn’t worry. They shouldn’t need to.

Mikey didn’t have any words for him. Even though he had become so used to lying, the sense of guilt that lingered in the back of his mind felt stronger. Why? He hadn’t said anything yet, but the mere thought of lying more , especially to his father, made the sense double. 

His eyes became unfocused, his vision blurring slightly as it suddenly became harder for him to think. He may not be able to feel it, but it was there, and he could tell. 

That sense of guilt very quickly turned to fear, though, when he noticed his arms.

They had started to glow.

They had started to glow brightly .

It was visible through his bandages, just barely, but it was certainly enough to be noticeable. Quickly, he hid his arms behind his back. Before he could be questioned, he sped out of the room. He stumbled into his own room and shut the door. As much as he really didn’t want to be in it, it was the one place he could be alone.

He didn’t walk far into the subway car, just leaning against the doors as he unwrapped his bandages.

Looking at that gold-orange hue gave him a headache. His hand trembled slightly, but he attributed it to nervousness rather than a tremor, still showing the physical effects without the emotion itself.

Why? Why had they started glowing so heavily now? What was different?

Just the thought of lying to his father had made the feeling of guilt, though he couldn’t presently feel it, amplify. It felt overwhelming, it clouded his thoughts and made him feel dizzy. Kind of like when-

Fuck. It was like the portal.

He’d become dizzy almost immediately after it and passed out. Draxum said it was from the excessive use of mystic energy, even if Raph and Donnie had made it easier, most of the energy to open the portal still came from him and his body felt the effects of it.

That dizzy lightheadedness came from using excessive mystic energy. His yokai father had explained to him that more experienced mystic users didn’t feel the effects, but because he was so young it was worse for him.

Again, why now? He was just doing what he had been, blocking out emotions.

As he focused more on trying to figure out what was going on, the sense of emotions faded until he could barely notice it anymore, like it was before he saw Splinter.

With it, the glow faded as well.

Mikey blinked, watching as the orange hue faded from the cracks until it was just slightly noticeable. From the arm that he had kept bandaged, it wasn’t visible anymore.

It was tied to his emotions. Really, it was tied to the strength of them.

He cursed himself. Why didn’t he realize that earlier? Of course he would need to use more mystic energy when the emotions were stronger. He had more he needed to hide.

He breathed in deeply. It was fine, it had faded now. Maybe Splinter hadn’t seen before he left. 

Enough time had passed that he felt he could talk to Raph now, he could focus on that instead.

He waited a few minutes, just to make sure that Splinter hadn’t followed him when he ran out, before leaving his room to find his oldest brother.

It didn’t take Mikey long to find him, and he thankfully found him in his room instead of the dojo. The box turtle gently knocked on the door. 

Hearing a response, he opened it and stepped inside. The snapping turtle didn’t seem to have been doing anything when Mikey knocked, just sitting on his bed. He smiled at the youngest, sitting up. “Hey Mikey! You need somethin’?”

“Just wanted to talk!” Mikey responded, gesturing to a small bean bag chair to ask if he could sit. Raph nodded, so he did.

Mikey saw that Raph wanted to say something, maybe even ask if he was okay again because that’s just like him to do, but Mikey didn’t let him. He didn’t want to beat around the bush, frankly he didn’t have that energy to, so he decided to just ask the question point blank. Like ripping off a bandaid.

“Are you avoiding Leo?”

Raph was clearly startled, his eyes going wide and any words he had wanted to say getting caught in his throat. He smiled nervously. “Huh?”

Mikey maintained eye contact. “You keep getting nervous around Leo and you weren’t talking to him as much at breakfast like you used to. Why?”

Raph kept smiling, and Mikey could tell it was because he didn’t know what else to do.

Mikey leaned back. “I’m not mad at you or anything. I just want to know, and it’s better to ask than to assume.”

Raph still didn’t answer. He looked down, fidgeting with his hands. Mikey’s eyes narrowed. “It’s not because of something he did, is it?”

Raph shook his head. So he was avoiding him.

Mikey smiled softly at him. “Then what?”

The snapping turtle was silent, he seemed like he was going to start saying something a few times, but he stopped himself before he could get a word out each time. Eventually, he finally sighed and answered. 

“I don’t want to hurt him.”

“No, you’re scared of hurting him. If you just didn’t want to, there wouldn’t be any issue.” Mikey corrected, to which Raph nodded.

Mikey sighed. He should have guessed it was related to the Kraang. 

At least it was an easy solution. Mikey could tell Raph all he wanted that nothing was his fault or that he was himself and in control now, but this fear was irrational and wouldn’t be corrected with logic so easily. It’s something he’d have to get over naturally with experience.

The box turtle smiled at his oldest brother. “Just talk to him.”

Raph looked surprised. “Hm?”

“He doesn’t blame you or think you would hurt him, just talk to him about it and that’ll help you get rid of some of the guilt you feel. It’s better than carrying it around with you.”

The snapping turtle thought for a few moments, and he still seemed unsure or nervous, so Mikey encouraged him. “Talking is the best solution to most emotional conflicts. You’ll feel a thousand times better about it than if you just keep it all in.”

After a minute, Raph nodded. Mikey gave him a quick hug, and stepped out of the room. He decided to stick around for a few moments, because even if his work was done he wanted to see if Raph would decide to do it now rather than another day.

He did.

After a few minutes, he heard footsteps inside of the car, before the door opened. Mikey hid behind a corner, watching as Raph nervously stepped towards Leo’s room and knocked on the doors. Mikey was too far away to hear anything, but he assumed Leo welcomed him in as Raph opened the door a moment later.

Now, Mikey was against eavesdropping on private conversations. It was rude. 

But he couldn’t actually feel any of the shame right now, so he didn’t have any issues.

He didn’t hear the start of the conversation, but he did catch the middle.

He heard Leo’s voice faintly through the door. “What? You don’t have to be sorry about anything. That wasn’t your fault.”

Then Raph. “I know it wasn’t, but I still hurt you, and-”

“No, no you didn’t. The Kraang hurt me. You didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t owe me an apology. I owed you one.”

“No-”

“I did. I didn’t listen to you and got us into that mess in the first place. You were always a better leader than I was and I was too busy thinking about myself to actually lead the team and I put you in danger because of that. I-”

Mikey didn’t hear the rest as he took a step back. He didn’t want to, or need to, hear anymore.

Of course Leo refused to let Raph believe it was his fault, any of them would, Mikey was confident Leo would say the same things that Mikey thought. It was true, after all, none of it was Raph’s fault.

Mikey hated listening to Leo blame himself like that, though. He noticed that each emotion had a sense to it, like a thought with no words. If he could describe hatred, it was like a swirling pit of tar in the back of his mind that made every muscle in his body tense.

Yes, it was his fault for losing the key in the first place, but he had long since made up for that. If the entire invasion was the consequence, then the consequences FAR outweighed the action.

Well, at least it was easy for Mikey to see who he wanted to talk to tomorrow. He stepped into his room, ready to go to bed early again to catch up on more of the sleep he had been ignoring the past week.

He would talk to Leo tomorrow, then Donnie. After that? He had no idea. Probably just continue with his mystics and make sure his family was stable emotionally.

Once he was completely, 100%, absolutely sure they were pretty much up to the happiness they were at before the invasion (or really, years before the invasion, they were happiest when Raph was still leader) only then could he stop the mystic emotions and let himself sort through his shit. He’d have nothing else to worry about then.

He settled into bed, thinking about what he overheard Leo saying.

Does he really think he deserved all of that?

He deserved none of it. No one thinks that he did.

Raph did a fine job as leader, but Mikey did think Leo was a better fit for the role. The circumstances around the change could have been better, of course, but Mikey wouldn’t complain that the change even happened. Raph wasn’t much of a planner, while Leo was.

But none of the truth mattered, because Leo thought that he shouldn’t be leader. 

That negative self talk isn’t healthy, everyone knows that, but there’s usually a reason behind it. It says something about the mental state of a person, and can often be a symptom or sign of something else.

That’s something he’s noticed about Leo. Not just after the invasion, but for a while before then as well. He always acts confident, but he isn’t. Mikey knows he isn’t. He doubts himself, and that’s his way of hiding it. 

He’s prideful, but only because he feels inadequate. He feels inferior.

Inferior.

Mikey suddenly had an epiphany. He quickly jumped up from his hammock-bed, reaching for an old psychology book he’d had for years. It wasn’t the first one he’d ever read, he had no idea where that thing ended up, but he had read it multiple times. Enough times to be able to flip directly to the page he needed without checking the table of contents.

He almost felt stupid for not connecting it before, it was all right in front of him.

Feeling insecure or unworthy.

Low self-esteem.

Being highly competitive.

Seeking attention.

Having trouble admitting mistakes.

Excessively talking about their achievements.

Thinking other people are better than them.

Insomnia.

Almost everything was exactly like Leo.

Mikey didn’t need to read more than the symptoms, he was very familiar with the book from all the times he had read it, so he shut the book once he was confident in his conclusion. He set it back in its place on a shelf, flopping back down into his bed. He stared at the ceiling considering what he’d do tomorrow. 

Leo had an inferiority complex.

It would be pretty tough to deal with, considering the best kind of treatment for that kind of thing was therapy, which was pretty hard to access considering... ‘this whole situation’ . As much as Mikey took pride in helping his family as Dr. Feelings, he did think it would be better for Leo to somehow go to an actual therapist.

Mikey would just have to figure it out. Even if none of them may ever be able to get therapy, it’s better to know about these things and be aware.

He’d talk with Leo about it tomorrow.

In the meantime, he just needed to sleep.

Chapter Text

Mikey felt much more energetic that morning. Maybe he had finally caught up on enough sleep, maybe it was that he was sure on exactly what he was going to say to Leo. It didn’t matter either way, because no matter he was feeling better.

Well, physically at least.

His emotions were still a clouded mess, but that was on purpose, so he didn’t mind it. 

He had to make breakfast today since he didn’t yesterday, although now it was more and more like a chore rather than something nice he enjoyed doing for his family.

He didn’t think about it too much as he quickly walked to the kitchen, the familiarity of the routine having long lost its comfort by now. He didn’t even get the sense of it in the back of his mind, present but far away.

He hadn’t restocked the kitchen in a while, and he realized he was running out of ingredients. The mere thought of going out to buy more food made exhaustion seep back into his bones, so he decided it could wait a while.

There were still plenty of eggs left in the fridge though, so he grabbed the carton and decided that eggs would be breakfast for today.

It was pretty much the easiest, fastest thing he could possibly cook. Mikey couldn’t remember the last time he’d accidentally broken a yolk.

Donnie hated runny yolk, Leo liked it a little runny, and Raph liked it barely cooked at all. Splinter didn’t really care, which made everything even easier for him.

He finished breakfast quickly, giving everyone an even and fair amount (except for Raph, who always got more) and setting the table. There was no spot for him, nor was there any food. He planned on going back to his room and waiting everything out again.

Once he put the eggs he made for Splinter in the fridge, he left the kitchen to retrieve his brothers. He knocked on Leo and Raph’s subway cars as he passed, not even having to say a word to get a response as his two oldest brothers called out immediately. Both times he didn’t wait for them to come out, he just said a quick “Okay!” and walked on. 

Donnie was not in his room, which did catch him off guard, as he feared the softshell may have stayed up in his lab all night. When he reached the lab, though, it was immediately obvious to him that Donnie hadn’t been in there the whole night. 

It was always pretty easy for him to tell how long Donnie had been working, as the more time Donnie had spent in the lab since the last time Mikey checked in on him, the more extra clutter there was from the last time. Mikey always paid close attention every time he entered because of it. It was about the same, so he put a smile on his face and stuck by the doorway. 

Donnie didn’t notice him immediately, so the box turtle knocked on the wall to get his attention. Donnie blinked, looking up from his desk to his younger brother. Mikey smiled at him. “Breakfast.” The softshell simply nodded.

Mikey stretched out his arms, the ache barely even noticeable now that he had gotten used to it. It would be easy from here, he just had to get to his room and wait until he heard Raph’s footsteps leaving the kitchen. Then he could go seek out Leo and talk to him.

But he slowed down as he got closer to his subway car. He heard footsteps. He walked closer to Donnie’s room, which was right next to his, and peered around the corner.

Splinter was there.

No. 

Mikey stepped back.

He couldn’t be asked about his scars. He didn’t have a reason yet. He didn’t even know if his father had seen, but he couldn’t risk being asked. That sense of panic filled his mind and his thoughts became clouded.

‘NO.’ repeated in his mind and he ran in the opposite direction. He didn’t look where he was going, but thankfully he didn’t pass by anyone as he eventually found himself in the gameroom. He pressed his back against a wall close to the door, sinking to the ground.

The sense of panic felt like an electric shock running through his body and rattling his skull. It made him feel dizzy. He held his head in his hands.

You can’t keep running.

Shut up. Just shut up.

Nothing could ever be easy.

He had forgotten why he was heading back to his room, and didn’t even listen for footsteps as he sat with his head against the wall. It hurt his eyes to look at the bright, neon look of the gameroom so he looked at the ceiling instead.

He lost track of time, as he often did, but this time his mind was not wandering. He was not lost in thought, he wasn’t even thinking of anything at all, really. 

He closed his eyes. Splinter was probably long gone by now, but he didn’t feel like moving yet. He hugged his knees to his plastron.

“You alright?”

Mikey’s eyes opened. He lifted his head from the wall to look to the doorway, where his immediate older brother stood. Donnie smiled at him, though it was reserved.

The panic was gone, now replaced with fuzzy confusion, much more mild. “How did you...?”

“I didn’t hear your room doors close.” The softshell answered. “So I went to see if you were there like usual, but you weren’t, and I started looking.”

Mikey stared up at him. He listened for that? Everyday?

Donnie crouched to the ground to be eye level with the box turtle. “So, are you alright?”

Mikey looked at the floor. “Yeah, just...” He shrugged. He couldn’t put it into words without mentioning the mystic stuff. It’s pretty hard to stay in touch with your emotions when you can’t really feel them.

Donnie’s smile was more sympathetic now. “You don’t know?”

“Just don’t want to think about it.” Mikey answered. ‘It’ could mean a lot of things, big or small, so he hoped it was a vague enough answer that Donnie wouldn’t pry for more information.

“What do you want?” 

Nice.

Mikey put on a smile. “A distraction would be nice.”

It was then that box turtle realized that he had accidentally wandered to the perfect place for distractions. Donnie reached out a hand and helped Mikey to his feet, and although Mikey still had to talk to Leo, spending some time with the purple turtle wouldn’t hurt. 

Donnie offered to let Mikey pick the game, and the box turtle pointed to CrazyCopter, the default game that the duo usually played together. Mikey was pretty much zoned out for the whole thing though, and it wasn’t his best gameplay or scores ever.

Mikey kept talking to him about random little things that came to mind, like he used to, but he noticed how the softshell was vague when the topic of his lab was brought up. More specifically, what he was working on. Just another example in a familiar pattern of behavior. He took note of it.

After a few games, he told his older brother that he was feeling better and thanked him. He gave him a hug for good measure before he left the game room, and Mikey watched him retreat back to his lab, shutting the door unlike he had that morning.

Immediately once the softshell was gone, Mikey headed for Leo’s room. Though, unexpectedly, he was not there.

Mikey walked all around the lair for him, in the Medbay, in the kitchen, even the dojo. Eventually he reached the TV room, and was surprised to find the slider there. 

He had avoided it initially because he feared running into Splinter again, even though it was the more likely place for Leo to be. That must’ve been why Splinter was heading away from it earlier, Leo asked for it.

Mikey didn’t pay attention to what was on the projector, it was definitely a Jupiter Jim movie, but he didn’t catch which one.

Mikey didn’t need to get his attention, Leo looked up immediately when Mikey walked in. He smiled. “Hey Mikey! You wanna join me?” He asked, gesturing to the projector. 

The box turtle shook his head. “No. I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

In an instant, the movie was paused and the blue turtle was sitting up on the couch. “What’s wrong?”

“No- Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.” Mikey reassured him.

Leo frowned. “Oh- wait, it’s not therapy again, is it? Mikey-”

“No, no.” Mikey sighed. “Well, kinda. Just no seminar this time.”

Leo gave him a confused look, but didn’t ask him anything else, just waited for Mikey to continue talking.

Mikey sat on a bean bag chair, quickly getting comfortable and crossing his legs. Ripping off the bandaid seemed to work fine enough last time, so Mikey didn’t beat around the bush this time either.

He looked Leo in the eyes. “I think you have an inferiority complex.”

The slider was silent, his eyes wide. Clearly, that was the last thing he expected Mikey to say. After a few moments, he laughed, but it sounded nervous. “What?”

“An inferiority complex.” Mikey said again. “I’m not trying to insult you, it’s a real thing! It’s the feeling of being inadequate or inferior to others, whether it’s based in fact or not.”

Leo still looked hesitant. “Mikey, I know I might be insecure, but-”

The box turtle shook his head. “No, really. I’ve looked through the symptoms and you match them. I might not be a professional, but I have a PhD in Psychology-”

“Your PhD is literally in crayon.”

It’s true, but Mikey thought he deserved a little more credit than that. He’s not professional, and usually you shouldn’t trust someone in a field they aren’t professional in, but he’s quite literally the best they have since they can’t get access to an actual psychologist. 

“Okay, fair, but trust me on this. Even before...everything, with the way that you talk about yourself like you can’t do anything right even when it’s not true, or other times when you compensate for it by being cocky, it starts to show a pattern.”

Leo fell silent. He did trust him.

Hearing himself talk, Mikey quickly clarified. “I only came to the conclusion last night, so I thought I should talk to you about it as soon as possible rather than sit on it.”

Leo paused, and took a deep breath. Mikey thought it was pretty fair to be quiet and shocked by something like this, it was quite sudden. He wished he had known much earlier, before all of this, so that he could have told him under much better circumstances.

The slider blinked, meeting Mikey’s gaze. “...so what do we do about it?”

The box turtle relaxed. “Usually therapy would help, but we can’t really get that, but there are other things you can do to overcome it.”

Mikey paused for a response, but when Leo didn’t say anything, he kept going. “Sometimes positive affirmations can help, but it’s not something you should rely on too much. It’s not for everybody either. A lot of it is just being aware that you have it and being conscious when you're thinking negative thoughts about yourself. It’s best to avoid negative self-talk as much as possible.”

Mikey shifted in the bean bag as he spoke. “You gotta learn to think about the good rather than the bad. Praise and encourage yourself genuinely rather than to make up for the fact that you feel like you’re not enough, because you are. It doesn’t matter how much everyone around you says that you are enough if you don’t believe it yourself.”

Leo leaned back in the chair, staring at the ceiling. He almost seemed...lost. He didn’t have words for his youngest brother. After a minute, though, he spoke. “...thanks. I’ll try.”

Mikey smiled at him. It became quiet again, so Mikey looked at the projector screen. He recognized the movie now, it was one of the many sequels to Jupiter Jim’s Last Trip to the Moon. Mikey didn’t like the thought of leaving his brother alone. 

“Can I still join you?”

Leo smiled at that.

Mikey watched the rest of the movie with his older brother, and then another after that, and another after that. After a few movies, Leo had fallen asleep. Mikey stood up.

It was late at this point, Mikey would usually be asleep by now, but he had something he wanted to do.

He crept as quietly as he could through the lair until he reached a familiar purple-themed room. Thankfully, Donnie was listening to his advice, and was not in his lab this late. Mikey was pretty confident that eventually Donnie would go back to some of his unhealthy sleep habits, but he would match rather the softshell sleep like he did before the invasion than sleep like he has been the past few weeks. It wasn’t healthy, but it was better by comparison.

He would feel guilty for creeping around when Donnie probably doesn’t want him to, but Mikey literally cannot feel that guilt so no harm no foul, right? He could deal with the moral dilemmas when he actually could handle it. He wouldn’t actually go searching through anything, that’s too far, but he wanted to look around.

Blank screen on the monitor, though Mikey didn’t really expect it to be left on. He didn’t look through notes or drawers, he had standards, instead he walked through the silent lab trying his best not to disturb anything.

Shelldon 3.0 hadn’t been touched at all from the last time Donnie had shown him to Mikey.

Nor had many other of the plans the box turtle had been shown.

Donnie often had a lot of projects going on at once. He was always busy with something, and with all of the time he had been spending his lab, there was no way he just wasn’t working on anything.

Yet most things around the lab remained untouched. Some tech and blueprints even had a thin layer of dust on them, all projects Mikey knew him to have started pre-invasion. His tools were clean of dust, though, clearly having been used recently.

Mikey walked out of the lab once again. He left it as it was, shutting the door behind him with a click louder than he would have liked. No one seemed to have been disturbed by it, though, so he tip-toed to his room.

Mikey flopped down into his bed before the doors had even shut behind him. 

He was satisfied with the conversation he’d had with Leo today. He’d said everything he wanted to say, and he knew the slider would listen. His brothers trusted him.

Now, tomorrow, he’d have to talk with Donnie.

Mikey had known for a long time that Donnie was hiding what he was really working on in his lab, but looking at all of his projects today solidified that fact in Mikey’s mind.

The real question was, what was he actually working on?

Mikey knew it wasn’t anything bad, obviously, but Donnie must have a reason for being so against talking about it. It couldn’t be something embarrassing, Donnie had practically no shame in his body, so it had to be something else.

Maybe he was only hiding it from Mikey? No. Mikey always knew the most about what was going on in Donnie’s lab because of the amount of time he spent in there, even if he didn’t really understand it all. That wouldn’t change for him all of a sudden, there must be something bigger than that.

It must be because it caused Donnie to stop work on things that were really important to him. Shelldon 3.0 especially. Shelldon wasn’t even practically Donnie’s son, he was. It has to be something really big to him if it was enough to distract Donnie from fixing Shelldon.

The more Mikey thought about it, the more he realized that it had to be something in relation to the invasion.

Of course, everything that Donnie had stopped work on was pre-invasion plans. Something must have changed in that time. 

That still doesn’t answer the question of what it is, though. Everytime Mikey had been in the softshell’s lab, the monitor was off and any recent blueprints or notes were hidden from him. The things he did catch glimpses of were impossible for him to read.

Whatever it was, it was enough for Mikey to be seriously concerned about. He’d have to bring it up to the softshell tomorrow. He needed to be sure that Donnie was alright.

Then, after that, he might be able to focus on himself.

Even today, when the emotions he sensed were mostly happy, like when he was playing games with Donnie or watching Jupiter Jim with Leo, he kept his mystic emotions going. He never let down the walls to feel even a little, because he didn’t want to risk it.

He was in a fragile emotional state, and he couldn’t let himself worry his family again like he had done a few days earlier. 

He hoped that the ache in his arms wouldn’t get worse with the longer he used it, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it did. 

This was completely alien to him.

He’d never used mystics like this before. It was also his first time using mystics after the portal, which still had a lasting effect through the pain he felt in his hands and the occasional tremors he got.

But it was alright, because it was only temporary.

He could hear Dr. DelicateTouch and Dr. Feelings, pointing out to him that this was self-destructive and he wasn’t solving any of his problems this way. That he was only making things worse for himself.

He ignored them. He’d heard it from them many times before, but he just tuned it out and he shut his eyes and laid back in his hammock-bed.

It was only temporary.

It’ll get better, he’ll let himself feel again, and he can get better. Only once everyone else was okay.

Until then, he could wait.

Chapter Text

Mikey woke up an hour before his alarm, and got up quicker than he usually did in the morning. He wanted to make breakfast early too, but it would have been cold by the time his brothers were up, so instead he paced around his room until the usual time he’d leave for the kitchen.

It was probably just superstition, but for some reason, he expected something to go wrong that morning. He told himself that it would be fine, and he was just a little on edge because things had gone wrong the past couple of days, but that voice in the back of his head wouldn’t go away.

Nothing bad had happened, so really it was nothing to worry about. 

Sure, his Dad might have seen his scars light up and then the thought of having to talk to him about it would have given him a panic attack had it not been for mystics, but really it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Usually, when something stressed him out like this, he’d turn to art to cope, but even the thought of that caused his muddled emotions to strengthen and his arms to glow.

He hadn’t drawn since that one night a few days after the invasion. He hadn’t even managed to draw anything then, and if he were to try again now and still fail, he doesn’t know what he would do. He couldn’t handle that. It could wait, just like everything else.

His alarm startled him out of his thoughts. He realized his hands had started shaking, and he closed his eyes until the light left. He focused, and any thoughts of fear or anxiety left his mind as his arms lit up again, though more controlled now as he meant to use mystics.

It could wait. He had things to do.

He took one deep breath, made sure now light was visible through the bandages still wrapped around his arms, and stepped out of his subway car. 

There was no one in the hallway, in fact, there didn’t seem to be anyone awake in the lair other than him. The feeling that something was going to go wrong still didn’t go away, though.

That feeling made him not want to be in the kitchen longer than he had to, and he wanted to be done with breakfast before anyone had the chance to get up. He opened the freezer and grabbed an old box of Toaster Strudels, it would be easy enough for him to throw a few in the toaster oven. 

Mikey leaned on the counter as they cooked, letting his mind wander.

It was pretty mentally taxing to focus on keeping his emotions in check all the time. It was fine at first, manageable, but even now after he’s gotten more sleep he’s felt quite...drained. It was pretty normal for him to have trouble focusing, he had ADHD after all (combined type specifically, Donnie and him had worked together to diagnose themselves years ago), but it just seemed to get harder with each day.

The lack of emotion didn’t help at all, everything seemed dull and the only times emotions had managed to slip through so far they had been negative. It all added up to Mikey feeling worse all of the time.

He almost questioned whether this was really doing him any good, but that didn’t matter. It wasn’t for him in the first place. It was for his brothers.

It made him feel exhausted, no matter how much sleep he got. It was better now than it initially was since he had started, now that he had caught up on a little more sleep, but it was only better by comparison. He still felt like shit.

Mikey’s eyes shot wide open when the toaster oven beeped. It had taken a few beeps for him to register the noise, but after a moment he pulled the pastries out. Mikey used a small knife to drag them off of the rack, holding a plate under it for them to fall onto. Once he had gotten them all, he threw another batch in and set it to the same cook time.

He leaned his elbow back onto the counter, staring into the toaster oven as the heating element began to glow orange. 

Something about the light made his skin crawl.

He closed his eyes, turning away so he couldn’t see it through his eyelids. He blocked out most thoughts (and all feelings) after that until he heard it beep again. He took them out just the same as he had before, setting them out on the table for when his brother woke up. After that, he left the kitchen just as quickly as when he entered.

Again, as he walked to his brothers rooms to wake them up, he expected something to happen. He expected them to question or notice something off with him, but nothing happened. They acknowledged him, said they would be up in a minute, just as usual.

That gut feeling still didn’t go away, but he could ignore it just as he had been ignoring everything else.

Once he finally gets back to his room, he sits against the door and waits. He listens to footsteps leaving rooms and heading towards breakfast, able to tell who was who based simply on the sound, the weight of their steps and the way they walked.

It always took about 15-20 minutes for breakfast, at the least. It was a long time to sit there by the door in silence, but he never really considered getting up to do something else while he waited. What if he missed Raph’s heavy steps back to his room or the dojo that always told him when everyone had left? 

There wasn’t much else for him to do anyway. Drawing was already off the table, he’d read all of his comics thousands of times over, and most of the other entertainment in the lair he’d have to go to another room for or would be funner with someone else.

Even so, there wasn’t really anything Mikey couldn’t think of anything that sounded appealing to him. He wasn’t sure he wanted much of anything, his focus was on more important things.

He took a break yesterday, what more did he need?

After a while of sitting he heard Raph’s footsteps leaving the kitchen, which meant he had finished the dishes and left. He waited a little longer until he couldn’t hear anything anymore before lifting his head away from the door and standing up.

He took a breath, and just the same as he had done many times for the past week or so, he left his room and set out to talk to one of his brothers. This time, though, it would hopefully be the last. He could finally focus on himself, maybe.

It was quick and easy to find Donnie, he was working in his lab again. Perfect, considering that was exactly what Mikey wanted to talk about.

It was like the softshell was expecting Mikey to knock on his door, because it opened almost immediately. Mikey hadn’t even pulled his hand away from the door yet. 

Mikey paused at the door. Would it even be possible to register the knocking that fast?

The box turtle shook his head, ignoring how strange it was to him and stepping into the purple lab. Donnie already had his chair facing the orange turtle, a faint smile on his face.

Mikey smiled back. There was a spark of joy in the back of his mind. It was nice to visit the lab a little more often, it was something that he had done almost daily before the invasion when Leo and Raph were still arguing often. 

It had stopped after the invasion, of course, with Donnie being hesitant to let even Mikey in the lab. 

That little bit of familiarity in stopping by the lab more often (even if one of those times was without Donnie knowing) caused memories of sitting with his immediate older brother in silence while the others were arguing outside, simply enjoying and finding comfort in each other's company to rise in Mikey’s mind. 

Mikey didn’t dwell on it. The mystics didn’t allow him to, the sense of emotion faded before he could really react to it at all.

Mikey stepped towards the softshell, waving. “Hey, Don-don! Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Donnie didn’t question that either, just nodding and responding, almost too quickly. “Sure. I think your bean bag is still around, if you want to sit.” He glanced over his shoulder to the corner Mikey used to sit in to draw.

The box turtle just stared at him for a moment. 

He expected him to be here. There was no question in Mikey’s mind about that. It really shouldn’t be a shock to him, Donnie would probably be the first to put together the fact that Mikey’s been playing therapist for everyone, but something about it made him freeze up. 

Maybe because that meant he had to have talked to their other brothers about it.

Which meant that Mikey hadn’t been doing a very good job hiding his emotions. They had noticed enough to be worried, concerned enough to consult each other about it, and now it was no surprise to Donnie that Mikey would be back to talk to him again just as he had with their other two brothers.

Whatever. He could think about it later, it didn’t interfere with anything Mikey needed to talk about.

Ignoring the connotations of Donnie expecting him to be here, Mikey dragged his bean bag from his corner to the right of the softshell, flopping down into it. He crossed his legs, leaning forward and tilting his head up to be closer to eye level with his brother.

Ripping off the bandaid seemed to work well both the previous times, and Donnie didn’t seem to have anything to say to him first, so Mikey just went for it. “What have you been working on?” The tone of his voice showed that it wasn’t just a small talk type question, but a genuine one. 

That seemed to be something Donnie didn’t expect.

He paused, surprised. Initially, he had been leaning back in his chair, but he leaned forward and rested his elbows in his lap, his hands clasped together. “...what do you mean?”

“Well, it doesn’t seem like you’ve been working on anything.” Mikey said simply. “Shelldon hasn’t been touched at all from when you last showed me, the turtle tank still hasn’t been fixed up, not that I’ve ever seen you in the garage at all. Most of your pre-invasion plans haven’t been touched, but you’ve still clearly been overworking yourself over something.” 

Mikey looked at the monitor at his desk, turned off, which didn’t really surprise Mikey at all. “And I haven’t seen any plans, either. You’re working, but I haven’t seen anything of what it could be that you’re working on. I’ve never seen you actually rush to clean up your space and put away plans when you’re done working with them. Why now?”

Donnie blinked.

He definitely wasn’t expecting that.

Which is fair, Mikey isn’t usually the type to pay that much attention to things. He tries, but he can be quite oblivious to things. He can only really focus if he really cares about something. Fortunately, the health of his brothers was something he really cared about.

A minute passed, and Donnie still hadn’t answered. Mikey could tell he was thinking, the softshell always got this far-off look in his eyes when he was caught up in his mind. 

Mikey was about to say something more, until the purple turtle suddenly sat up in his chair. Without saying a word, he reached across his desk and powered on his monitor. He changed tabs, probably didn’t have it open right away because he was expecting Mikey, and leaned back.

Mikey never really understood much of the words on any of Donnie’s blueprints. It was all science gibberish that he couldn’t decipher. He had a very easy time looking at the pictures, though, and always got all of his information from studying them for a while when Donnie showed him what he was working on.

It was pretty easy for Mikey to understand what he was looking at at a first glance, it was a familiar gadget that he saw everyday. It was a battle shell. An upgrade, he was pretty sure, but he didn’t get a chance to even try to read and understand all the little notes along the side before Donnie started to explain himself.

“It’s, uh...more armor. A few other little things too, like extra protection from certain feelings for my softshell specifically. I’ve only focused on the lair one, since we aren’t going on any missions any time soon.” 

When Mikey looked back at his brother, he was holding his battle shell in front of him with an odd expression on his face. It hadn’t been fully attached to his back, Donnie had planned to keep working on it as soon as Mikey left.

After a moment, the box turtle realized that’s why he never noticed any change in anything in the lab. Donnie was wearing his battle shell all the time, and Mikey hadn’t really noticed much change in it. Now that he actually looked at it up close, he could see some of the extra armor on his carapace.

Mikey glanced back at the screen. Donnie always dated his blueprints, he liked to keep track of everything he worked on, and the orange turtle wasn’t surprised to see that it was dated only a few days after the invasion.

Usually, Donnie working on changes to his battle shell was completely normal. It was understandable that he’d want it to better protect him, especially after the train and his battle shell breaking completely, but what made Mikey confused was how vague he was being on the extra texture issues.

Mikey blinked. “What does that mean?” He asked, pointing at some notes that mentioned something to do with seals or cushioning. Donnie already had winter battle shells, and it didn’t seem like something he’d suddenly be worried about now, so whatever ‘elements’ he was talking about probably weren’t natural.

Donnie sighed. “It’s...more comfortable for me to wear. So I can wear it for longer without worrying about the pressure it puts on my shell.”

Mikey squinted at the notes. He didn’t understand how Donnie could read something that small. Why would he need to wear it more? He even complained about it sometimes when it felt too heavy for him after he wore it for too long.

Then it clicked.

Texture issues.

Donnie’s softshell was much more sensitive after the incident with the technodrome. Immediately after the invasion, even too much cold air could make him shudder uncomfortably and cause him to go non-verbal for a while. Though Mikey didn’t see it happen too much, Donnie usually kept to himself in his lab. 

Mikey knew enough about sensory issues from his own experience to recognize it, though. 

According to Draxum, who helped the softshell look over the wounds on his softshell since Donnie couldn’t exactly treat himself, the scar tissue and trauma from the experience would make his shell even more sensitive.

Mikey looked back at Donnie. “Why hide it, though?”

Donnie winced. “I could handle it, my battle shell was a solution before, I just needed to adjust it.”

Mikey frowned. “But that doesn’t mean you need to hide anything.”

The softshell didn’t respond, so Mikey started considering the answer himself.

When they were tots, the fact that Donnie’s softshell made him weaker was always an insecurity for him. 

Before he got his battle shell, he couldn’t play certain games with them for fear of being injured. The battle shell was the solution, though at first it was just a pillow taped to him, before they got older and everything they did became much more dangerous.

Mikey thought he’d gotten over that a while ago, but maybe the fact that his shell was even more sensitive now revived that insecurity.

Donnie always tried to find a way to fix things.

Mikey adjusted in his bean bag. “I could make another point about hypocrisy and how you wouldn’t want us to do the same, but you’ve heard that from me before.”

Donnie shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so.” He slumped in his chair.

Mikey smiled softly at him. “You know, sensory issues suck, and it’s okay to do what you have to to deal with it, but you don’t need to hide it. You know we wouldn’t judge you for it. If you try to hide stuff you just end up acting all shady, and everyone around you assumes the worst. It’s a hole you don’t want to dig for yourself.”

Ignore the hypocrisy, the advice was still true.

Donnie agreed, and Mikey left the lab soon after. He didn’t have any more reason to bother his older brother, so he didn’t stick around for longer than he had to.

Now that he had finished up the last bit of ‘talking’ he felt he had to do, he could finally fulfill his promise to himself to finally stop worrying and to focus on himself.

But as he reached his room, something was still nagging him.

Donnie expected him to be there, and the only way he could have possibly known that Mikey would try to talk to him, was by talking to Leo and Raph.

Did they just mention that Mikey had talked to them off-handedly and Donnie picked up on it? Or was there something he was missing? They had plenty of moments to talk when Mikey wasn’t around, especially at breakfast, since Mikey actively avoided it.

What if they weren’t just talking about Mikey’s therapy shenanigans? 

What if Splinter mentioned his hands to them somehow?

What if today Donnie told their older two brothers about how he found the box turtle in the game room yesterday?

Some rational part of Mikey tried to tell him he was projecting, that he was nervous and interpreted everything slightly abnormal as a sign that everyone knew he was lying.

But the part of his mind, and every other thought he had, shut up when Mikey leaned his back against the door and noticed the orange light out of the corner of his eye.

The tremble in his fingers.

The actual burning sensation in his arms.

The sudden struggle in trying to handle his emotions as his mind started to race.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Fuck.

Mikey’s heart rate increased along with the speed of his breathing. It wasn’t the first time his arms had flared up randomly, obviously, but there was something different.

That faint, but ever so agonizing, burning feeling.

It was usually just a glow and a shake with his flares, but burning was different. Like the portal.

He felt that familiar sense of panic build up as it became harder to keep himself calm. Except it was worse than it had been the past few times his arms had begun to shake, because it was burning and it shouldn’t be burning .

It had started as a sting, as if he had been stung by a bee, only in his hands at the tips of his fingers. But as he noticed the glow and the burn and his panic started to rise, it had spread up his arms just below his shoulders, poking up past where the bandages ended on his upper arm. Usually, when his arms began to glow, it didn’t go up further than his elbows.

Not to mention it didn’t hurt like that.

It felt like the bandages would catch fire.

Mikey tried to keep his breathing steady, which was quite hard considering the only thing keeping him grounded was the mystics that were also likely adding to the pain spreading across his arms. 

He couldn’t exactly leave the lair like he had done last time, and he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to wander. He didn’t like the thought of leaving the lair while his brothers were still awake just in case he ran into them on his way out, because he had absolutely no chance of explaining away the orange light piercing through his wrapped arms.

He did know that he didn’t want to stay in his room.

Leaving his room was a risk he didn’t know he could take. It was much easier to just go somewhere else in the lair than it was to actually leave the lair though. 

Yes, someone could run into him, but they wouldn’t really question why he was there.

But they would question his arms, which left him back at the start. He didn’t know what to do.

He did know that he didn’t want to stay in his room. Something about staying in the same place made him even more anxious, and he didn’t need any more emotions to mess with his mystics. It was all a little overwhelming.

He needed to wait a while if he wanted to move. He had to wait, at least for his brothers to settle into bed. Then he could move without worry. 

The emotions that he was still trying to hold back in his head eventually manifested in a throbbing headache. He could probably take an Aleve or something for it, and maybe that would be a good excuse if someone ran into him. 

They kept any over the counter medication in the kitchen, so he could head there and gauge whether anyone was around to see him sneak off.

Where he would sneak off to, he still had no idea. He didn’t feel the need to leave the lair just to walk around and get out for a while again, but he couldn’t stay in his room. Whenever he got overwhelmed he found it hard to stay in one place.

He knew he needed to go somewhere that no one would find him. Or at least, somewhere they were very unlikely to be.

Eventually, he makes a decision.

He decides to wait till about 10pm, hoping everyone would be settled in their rooms by then. 

He didn't do anything to pass the time until then, just waited as his emotions never settled and his hands continued to tremble. His head still hurt, as did his arms, and he didn’t feel like he had the energy or will to do anything while he waited anyway.

When he did crack open the doors to his subway car, which squeaked quietly as he slid them open, the lair was silent. He took that as a good sign, but he didn't want to be out in the open too long just in case.

There was something eerily uncomfortable about having to sneak around his own home.

The glow from his arms provided enough light that he didn't have to turn any on as he walked through the lair. He'd glance around corners, though anyone in the room would probably be able to see him coming on account of the bright orange light surrounding him, but no one was awake.

He took the Aleve without any issue. Well, without any issue from others. His hands were shaking too much to do anything easily, he ended up spilling some water on the floor but couldn’t clean it because of his hands. He just left it, it would evaporate by morning anyway. The good thing was that he was able to make it all the way to the place he wanted to go without hearing a single noise.

He only lifted the door to the tank garage enough to slide under it, closing it once he got inside.

No one really went into the tank garage anymore, the only turtle who would would be Donnie, but Mikey knew he wouldn't be working on fixing the turtle tank, so no one would bother him.

Also, the tank and garage are sound proof.

The normal entrance to the tank was hanging open, its doors unable to close at all after it had been crushed. Mikey crawled inside, sitting down in the center of the tank, staring up at an indent the Kraangified Train had made in the vehicle's roof.

Getting the tank back to the lair was something Donnie had done shortly after Leo was in stable condition again. While there was evidence of the turtle's existence online after the invasion, Donnie didn't want any government agencies or villains to be able to track its path back to the lair.

The purple turtle still refused to leave the Medbay or Leo’s side, of course, and sent out tech drones into the subway tunnels to retrieve it instead. He did it only a few days after the invasion had ended, before any significant clean up effort had started in the subways, and made sure to cover their tracks on the way back to the garage.

After that, the tank had just sat in its destroyed state in the garage. The genius turtle hadn't spent any time on fixing it just yet.

It was exactly the same as when both him and Mikey were trapped in it, awaiting their deaths.

Mikey would be uncomfortable sitting in it, but his mind was distracted. He didn't pay much mind to his environment.

He pulled his knees close to his plastron, emulating the feeling of a hug. It didn’t provide much comfort, but it was a habit of his. He didn’t know what else to do with his hands.

His head hurt, but the medicine would kick in soon and that wouldn’t be a problem. He still wasn’t sure about his hands, but there wasn’t anything he could do about that. Not anything he knew of. 

The burning could be handled by the painkiller (mostly, it helps with minor pain but he didn’t think it would make it go away entirely), then he wouldn’t worry about that anymore either. No, the pain. He wouldn’t worry about the pain when he couldn’t feel it. There was still the issue of why it felt like that when it never had before.

He hadn’t been doing anything different. Maybe it got worse over time? 

He wished he could call Draxum about this kind of thing, but he had the feeling that if he mentioned to Draxum that he had been using mystics again it would end poorly. He had never been okayed by the sheepman to use his powers again, which sucked because his brothers could, and he didn’t want to hear the lecture.

Maybe Mikey should have paid more attention when Draxum had explained all the mystic stuff to him. Once he mentioned the fact that the box turtle almost died Mikey tuned him out, too distracted by the information that had just been dropped on him. He really regretted it now, if he knew more maybe he’d know what to do right now.

He kept staring at the dent in the tank’s roof. He remembered the exact moment it had caved in. He was looking when it did, panicked and wide-eyed. His gaze had happened to land on that exact spot as the metal creaked and groaned, caving in on itself, it gave Mikey an image of when it would do the same above him. It made it easy for his mind to imagine the sound it would make as it crumbled above his brother and him.

He looked away.

If he knew more, he could do more. 

That should be his next focus. He should find out more about this mystic stuff, then keep up with his brothers to make doubly sure that they were okay, and then he could worry about his issues.

But how? Draxum was the most informed person (yokai?) he knew. He didn’t really have anyone else he could go to for information, other than maybe Big Mama, but didn’t trust her not to tell anyone. 

Then something clicked for him. There was an easy place to get mystic information, and he didn’t need to talk to anyone.

The Mystic Library.

The only problems with that idea was that he had to sneak out again, he never got to explore the mystic library when he and his brothers did go because of  the whole ‘being locked in the kiddie room’ thing, and Mikey had no idea what he was actually looking for considering the fact that he didn’t know what he was doing.

Oh, and the brothers are banned. Permanently.

Mikey especially. He was the one who sent a horde of feral children at the Librarian, so there was no question on whether she might be lenient if he were to show his face again.

But it was his best bet. It was the only way he could think of to get any information on mystic side effects, so he was willing to take the risk.

Before he left he quickly snuck back to his room, grabbing the same hoodie he had snuck out in a few days ago and his phone in case of an emergency. As he left the lair he pulled his mask down from his face and let it hang from around his neck. 

He hoped that enough suspiciously orange themed box turtles visited the Mystic Library so that Librarian may not give him a second glance.

He knew the tunnels very well, and he knew the quickest route to the public library. It didn’t take long for him to find an exit and hop up onto the surface just outside of the building. 

He had to avoid some tunnels where there was still Kraang matter laying around, the city had done a lot of cleaning in a short time, but it’s main priority was getting the main subway tunnels clear to get transportation up and running as usual. Some tunnels were much worse than others at the moment because of that.

The library was closed, it was too late into the night for it to be open, but it was one of the few buildings that hadn’t been very damaged by the attack. He snuck in through a vent, peering through the grate to make sure it was empty before leaping down onto the floor.

He was surprised at himself that he didn’t get lost immediately, so maybe that was a good sign for him navigating to the information he hoped to find tonight. He didn’t waste time, just headed straight for the Geology section and pulled out the book that led to the Mystic Library. 

Sometimes he wondered if any kid had to do a research project on rocks at some point and accidentally got portaled to a magical library filled with yokai. That would be an interesting story.

Though it was quite average to him, compared to many of the things he had seen in his life. The book did just as it had the first time the brothers had ventured to the Mystic Library, morphing into jaws and transporting Mikey through its pages to what was basically another realm.

He didn’t land on his feet, of course he didn’t, but he was quick to scramble up from the ground. He needed to get as far away from the Librarian as fast as he possibly could.

He tried not to look at her, if he made eye contact he’d surely get caught, but he did catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye. The bat yokai had long since healed from any injuries she got from the incident, and she looked to be doing fine, just looking at her books and doing her job.

He quickly got out of the main area of the library, heading into the confusing halls of books. He had no idea how to make any sense of it, and he was lucky that Donnie really liked libraries and told all about how cool the Mystic Library was and what he had missed.

The softshell had told how the catalog worked, and it didn’t take Mikey long to find one of the 8-ball-like crystals. He had forgotten how shaky his hands were, and almost dropped it, giving himself a small heart attack.

When he shook it, the crystal read his mind and provided exactly what he needed. A book entitled Advanced Mystics And The Body . It wasn’t too far of a walk, just a trip across the hall of sliding bookcases, a few changes of gravity, and seven different sets of stairs up to find it. It could be worse.

He did write down the directions on his phone, though. He didn’t trust his memory as much as Donnie trusted his.

The sliding bookcases were much more fun to jump across than he expected. Probably because he was used to it. Looking down would make any normal person nauseous.

The changes of gravity were nauseating. Going through Leo’s portals still made him sick from time to time. Going from walking  on the floor to walking on what was previously the ceiling and back again literally made his stomach flip.

Stairs after all that were even worse, but he found his way to the right section without many problems.

He tucked his phone into his hoodie pocket. Scanning the shelves, he spotted the book he was looking for and had to stand on his tiptoes to reach it. Mikey flipped through the book, struggling slightly with his still unstable hands.

Eventually, he found something that he thought may help him.

The section he stumbled across was titled Mystic Suppression . He liked calling it Mystic Emotions instead, but when he skimmed the pages briefly it did seem like it matched what he had been doing. He was still going to call it Mystic Emotions, of course. No amount of Donnie correcting him had ever stopped him from saying ‘Blood Shuggies’.

Mikey didn’t think he had the time to try and find a place to sit down considering he still had to be home before morning, so he just sank to the floor with his carapace against the shelf.

Mystics being used for medicinal purposes in yokai culture goes back thousands of years before the Hidden City’s existence, the earliest recorded instance being the use of mystic ingredients in ointments and medications.

Included in mystic medical care is pain relief. 

Mystic ingredients can easily be used to create effective pain killers with minimal side effects, but there is a way to numb any pain without the use of medication, though it is used very sparingly due to the strain it puts on the user’s mind and body.

According to the studies of Baron Draxum on the laws of mystic power, (Mikey took a pause at that, he had almost forgotten his yokai father was a renowned scientist before his obsession with killing all humans) with enough energy and focus almost anything is possible, though it is an equivalent exchange of the user’s energy for the spell they are trying to perform.

Energy is needed to perform spells. It is possible to pull energy from the environment, which is safest for mystic users, but with nowhere to pull from it can take from the user’s body. Some spells cannot take energy from the environment at all, and rely solely on the power of the user. 

This is why it is so dangerous for novice users to attempt certain spells, as if they do not have the natural energy required to perform it it can take from their physical bodies and potentially lead to death.

However, it is not always as simple as an exchange of energies. Depending on how much the user draws from their own power, and for how long, it can tire them physically and mentally. Any yokai with an excess of mystic power becomes so used to that power being there that when too much of that power is drawn upon it can be exhausting.

Mystic Suppression ( Emotions, Mikey corrects in his mind as he reads)  is a spell that is not used often for these reasons, as while it doesn’t always take too much energy depending on the severity of the pain the user is trying to suppress, it takes a large amount of focus. Given the fact that the pain itself could also inhibit the user’s ability to focus on keeping up with the spell, it is only performed by experienced users in emergency situations.

Although this spell may be useful for someone who has been injured in a place where they may not have access to natural or medicinal pain relievers, it is generally never used in any other context, due to the potential-

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Mikey’s eyes shot wide open as his phone vibrated in his pocket, the sound echoing off the walls of the library.

His alarm.

He’d forgotten to turn it off when he’d entered the library. To be fair, he hadn’t expected to stay this long, but he must’ve lost track of time.

He needed to get home. Really, he needed to get out of the library, because he couldn’t get home quickly enough if he got stuck in the kiddie room.

Which was a problem, considering it seems like that alarm alerted every single Hush-Bat in the entire library.

On instinct, Mikey was to his feet before he even heard the flapping from the thousands of wings. The book fell to the side as he leapt from the floor, still open to the page he had left off on, the rest of the section unread.

Mikey jumped the closest railing after barely glancing downwards, landing on a staircase and immediately losing his footing. His ankle twists, making him hiss in pain, and luckily he had the time to tuck into his shell before he tumbled the rest of the way down the stairs. 

When he reached the bottom he slid right into another bookshelf, which began to wobble and threaten to fall down on top of him. He rolled out of the way just in time before it fell with a loud thud . If every Hush-Bat in the library hadn’t been after him before, they definitely were now. He didn’t get a chance to pause or catch his breath, they were right behind him and he had to keep moving.

His ankle stung as he ran, but had the sense not to try to mask the pain with mystics. He had emotions to worry about and didn’t want to stress his powers more , and the pain wasn’t that bad anyway. He just had to hope that it wasn’t broken, which it probably wasn’t. Probably.

Lucky for Mikey, the mystic library did have emergency exits. Where would he end up if he used them? He had no idea. He didn’t have the time to consider it, either.

He glanced back and forth as he ran past shelf and shelf until he spotted an exit, doing a ninety degree turn and making a beeline right for it. It was a push door, so he didn’t have to stop to open it. He closed his eyes and turned his left shoulder to it, bursting through it and stumbling to the other side blindly. It shut behind him, and he could hear the Hush-Bats that were following him the closest hit the door.

Mikey took a deep breath, ignoring the pain in his shoulder and ankle and the fact that his hands burned and glowed even more now because of the panic and adrenaline that was running through him.

He opened his eyes, looking around, and found that he was in an alleyway in the Hidden City. He looked behind him, and there was no door in sight. Just a wall where there should have been one.

It was an area he recognized, at least, and he knew how to get back to New York and get home as quickly as possible.

Shit. He had almost forgotten in all the panic that he was late to get home. Someone could have noticed that he was gone by now. Donnie could be tracking him by now.

Mikey didn’t give himself time to calm down, he didn’t think he could calm down much at all if he tried, and he sprinted as fast as he could to the nearest portal back to New York. Then he hopped down into the sewers, and ran for the lair.

By the time he reached it, it was forty five minutes past his alarm and he was certain someone had to have noticed by now. He pulled his mask back up over his face and poked his head into the lair, not seeing anyone. 

He didn’t have any kind of lie prepared, but he’d come up with one if he needed one. He just needed to-

“Orange?”

Mikey froze. Slowly, he turned around to see his father looking up at him, confused. The box turtle was far enough from the entrance of the lair that it wasn’t obvious that he had just gotten back, but if the rat already knew he had left it wouldn’t be hard to piece together. His tone of voice was way too calm for that, though.

Mikey forced a smile. “Oh, morning Pops! I was just heading to the kitchen.”

The rat shook his head. “There’s no need to make breakfast, I noticed you weren’t already up so I made it for you. Did you oversleep?”

Mikey’s eyes widened for a second, before he quickly nodded. “Yeah, I was so tired last night that I fell asleep in my hoodie. Thanks for making breakfast!” He explained away the hoodie since he was given the chance as well.

Splinter nodded, but his eyes lingered on Mikey’s hoodie sleeves. There was a faint light there still.

Mikey pulled his sleeves down. “Well, I’ll head back to my room. Thanks again!” He side-stepped his father, speed walking to his subway car and shutting the door behind him.

He knew.

Mikey leaned against the door and closed his eyes. The exhaustion from staying up for the night finally hit him.

He noticed. He knew.

It was fine. Splinter hadn’t said anything yet, he could deal with it later. He seemed to push a lot of things off to ‘deal with later’.

Maybe he hadn’t noticed Mikey’s arms glowing from before, maybe it was just the light from under his sleeves that he saw this time.

Maybe he was fine.

Once Mikey took off the hoodie he didn’t have the energy to keep himself standing anymore, letting himself collapse into his hammock-bed.

At least tonight was a success, even if he hadn’t finished reading the book. He knew more.

Mikey closed his eyes. His shoulder still hurt and his ankle ached and the glow from the cracks distracted him and he was never very good at focusing but this was important to him so it was easier.

It was important for him to do, because his brothers still might need help, and until he was sure they were okay and wouldn’t worry about him as much he couldn’t let himself stress them, even if accidentally.

He could wait. He was willing to wait.

He had to wait, because they were more important.

For the first time in over ten hours, the burning stopped and the panic was gone.

Chapter Text

Mikey didn’t get to sleep for very long.

He thought that he slept, but he couldn’t tell if he actually fell asleep or if he just closed his eyes for a few minutes. He didn’t feel rested either way.

He couldn’t remember the last time he felt rested.

He sat up in his hammock-bed, taking a moment to rub the sleep from his eyes. He blinked, and his vision was less blurry. He didn’t feel like getting up and going to the door, so he called out instead. “Hello?”

After a second, the door slowly slid open. It was Raph, because of course it was. Raph would always be the first turtle to come and check in with any of the brothers to make sure they were okay, the snapping turtle had a worry line for a reason.

The spikey turtle acted like he was approaching a scared cat, hunched over as if trying to make himself appear small. He stepped into the subway car, causing it to shake just a little from the added weight. Raph had a plate in his hands, Mikey couldn’t clearly see what was on it considering the height difference, but it looked like eggs and bacon. 

Where Splinter even got either of those things? Mikey had no idea. Last he checked they were close to or completely out of both, but maybe he had just missed them when he looked. Or Splinter was hiding things from him, which was a reasonable option. Everyone in the lair hid at least some food from everyone else.

Raph smiled at him softly, his snaggle tooth poking out. “Morning, Mikey.” His voice was quiet, like he didn’t want to scare the box turtle. “You weren’t at breakfast, so I got you a plate.” 

Again. Mikey thought. I wasn’t at breakfast again.

It was left unsaid, but the box turtle could tell Raph was thinking of saying it. Mikey knew Raph didn’t like that he wouldn’t eat breakfast with them like he used to before the invasion, but it’s not like Mikey wasn’t eating at all. He’d snack on little things throughout the day, but he never really sat down and ate a full meal anymore.

He didn’t have the appetite.

Still, Mikey made himself smile. Despite the fact that he thought he might topple over if he tried to stand, he stepped out of his hammock-bed and stepped closer to the snapping turtle. He took the plate from his older brother. “Thanks.” He said with a warm smile.

Raph smiled back at him, but it was much more reserved. To be fair, Mikey’s wasn’t real at all. “Did ya’ oversleep?”

He probably already knew the answer, but he was asking anyway. He wanted to hear the explanation from Mikey to reassure himself that the youngest was alright.

Mikey knew his brother too well.

“Yeah, I guess I forgot to set my alarm.” The opposite was the truth, really. He forgot to turn it off. “Nice of Dad to make breakfast for me.”

Raph nodded. He didn’t seem like he wanted to leave yet, so Mikey decided he didn’t have to. “You wanna sit with me?”

After a moment, the snapping turtle nodded. Mikey quickly sat on the floor of his room, his legs crossed with the plate in his lap, and Raph sat just across from him.

The older turtle didn’t say anything, instead he avoided eye contact and let his gaze wander around Mikey's room, though he stared at the floor most of the time.

Mikey didn’t feel very hungry, he just wanted to sleep, but he forced himself to eat anyway. He noticed Raph’s shoulders relax from where he had previously been tense and uncomfortable, and Mikey realized that the snapping turtle was hesitant to leave because he wanted to make sure Mikey was eating.

A swirl of guilt surged in the back of his mind, and Mikey noticed that the sense of emotions felt different now than it had a few days earlier. It was almost like it was more muffled.

Maybe he should try to eat with them more often.

Eating somehow made him feel worse. He felt sick, but he didn’t know why. He forced himself to clean the plate anyway.

When he looked up, Raph was staring at him. That look of concern, which seemed to be something he got often from his family as of late, was obvious on his face. Raph’s worry line made it near impossible for the snapping turtle to hide what he was feeling, he had always been a poor liar. Just like Mikey.

They didn’t really have that in common as much anymore, not now.

Raph smiled at his youngest brother, but it was rather sympathetic. “How are you feeling?”

Mikey made himself smile back. “I’m good, just a little tired still.”  

Mikey saw Raph hesitate, and he opened his mouth to ask again. To ask if he was sure he was okay. The box turtle knew that’s what he was going to say just by the look in his eyes. Mikey spoke before his brother could, looking the older turtle in the eyes. “I’m okay, really. You don’t need to keep asking.”

That guilt he always felt when lying and the paranoia of being caught rose again, but they didn’t distract him or cloud his thoughts as they usually would.

It was weird, he had never been able to do anything like that before. Before all of the mystic stuff, he’d avoid eye contact, he’d stutter over his words, he’d tell half-truths instead of complete lies to make it easier on himself, he’d never been able to keep a straight face.

Now, he didn’t have any issue.

Raph seemed to calm down, if only slightly, and they talked about little things for a while. Mikey can’t remember a lot of the conversation, he was half asleep for most of it.

Until the snapping turtle glanced around his room, which was in its usual disorganized and messy state. Mikey’s room was as colorful as he was, it always had a new kind of mess, but it hadn’t changed since the invasion. 

Mikey hadn’t touched any of his sketchbooks or paintings or spray paint cans or any other art projects because the thought of trying to pick up a pencil again filled him with dread, to the point that even now when he wouldn’t be able to feel it, he didn’t have the motivation to create.

The same sketchbooks and projects that he had been working on pre-invasion were untouched post-invasion. It was something you’d only notice if you were paying close attention.

Raph hadn’t really been looking that closely, he didn’t go in Mikey’s room enough to take note of the progress he had made on all of his projects. He did notice, however, that Mikey didn’t have anything new hanging on the walls. The box turtle also hadn’t asked about going out to spray paint in a while, so it was reasonable for the older turtle to ask, “Have you drawn anything lately?”

Mikey drew in a quick breath. He only faltered for a moment, surprised at the question, before he smiled at his brother. “Not really, no. I’ve had art block for a while.”

Mikey couldn’t lie and say that he had, because Raph would ask if he could see it, and the box turtle had never refused him before. It would be strange if he did now.

Raph gave him a comforting smile. “Oh, well, you’ll get back in the groove soon.”

Mikey nodded. “Yeah.”

After a few seconds of silence, Raph pointed at Mikey’s plate, which the box turtle had set on the ground next to him when he was done with it. “I’ll take that, I gotta do the dishes still.”

As Raph reached over and picked up the plate, Mikey pushed himself up off of the floor. “I’ll help you.”

Mikey was pretty confident that he wouldn’t have to do another round of therapy with Raph, but he wanted to stay near the snapping turtle for a while just to reassure him that he was okay. Raph’s anxiety made him stress easily, and Mikey found that just spending some time with him could ease his worries.

The red-themed turtle seemed a little surprised, but he didn’t object.

Mikey ignored how dizzy he felt, and tried to keep his balance. He knew why he felt so tired, but he didn’t know why he was so dizzy. He thought he might fall right back to the ground for a minute, but after standing for a little, he felt better. He was absentmindedly limping a little.

Raph had already left the subway car, and he had left the door open for Mikey to follow. He had noticed that Mikey wasn’t walking behind him, and stopped a few feet away from Mikey’s room. 

Mikey approached the door to follow.

Forgetting his twisted ankle.

He hadn’t checked it since he had tripped on the steps in the Mystic Library, and he didn’t account for it as he stepped over the small gap between the car and the floor and leaned his weight onto that injured ankle.

Of course it hurt, and the sharp stab of pain that shot up his leg made him hiss. His foot twisted onto its side, causing him to lose his balance and stumble forward.

He heard a loud “Mikey!” and a crashing sound that was not pleasant to his ears. One hand grabbed Mikey’s arm, which he had reached forward to try and catch himself before he hit the ground, and another hand grabbed the opposite shoulder to steady him.

Mikey blinked. He had barely registered what was happening by the time Raph had run forward and caught him, which was strange. His reaction time was never that bad.

The box turtle hopped on his uninjured leg, holding his left ankle up in the air and using Raph to support himself. He glanced around Raph to where the snapping turtle had been standing before Mikey tripped, spotting the plate on the floor and surprisingly not shattered. Raph must have dropped it when he ran to catch Mikey.

He looked up at his oldest brother, whose worry line was very obvious. “Are you okay?!”

Mikey nodded, panting. Why was he so tired? “Yeah, yeah- I just tripped, that's all.”

Raph frowned, somehow managing to look even more upset. “No. You were limping. What happened to your leg?”

Shit. He saw that.

Before Mikey could get a response out, the doors to Leo’s room opened, and the slider stepped out. His eyes widened. “Woah- What happened?”

Mikey didn’t have time to say anything then either, as Raph was faster than him. “Mikey hurt his leg.”

What was with him today?

Leo’s room shut behind him. “I’ve got it. Raph- Can you?” Leo gestured towards them with his free hand, and the snapping turtle nodded. Leo was still on a crutch himself, and couldn’t do much to help Mikey walk to Medbay.

Mikey let Raph support him to the Medbay, even though he really didn’t feel it was necessary. He was managing fine earlier just limping, it was only when he had to step over the ledge that he fell. He put too much weight on it.

As long as he didn’t use it, he’d be fine.

Once Raph helped Mikey onto a table in the Medbay, the box turtle could see that he wanted to stay. He lingered for a moment, opened his mouth to say something, before closing it again and quickly leaving the room.

Mikey had barely blinked, and Leo went from looking through cabinets to crouching in front of Mikey to check his ankle. There was no way enough time had passed for him to get from one point to another. Mikey had only blinked. Why was he so out of it?

Maybe he just needed more sleep. He did feel pretty tired.

Leo had some trouble keeping himself balanced with his bad knee, and his crutch wasn’t much help at the moment, but he didn’t seem all too bothered by it. He was distracted checking over Mikey’s ankle.

After a minute, the slider shrugged. “It’s just sore and bruised. Just put some ice on it for any swelling and don’t put too much weight on it.”

Leo used the crutch to help lift himself up from the ground. He went to the mini fridge they kept in the Medbay for anything that needed to be kept cold and opened the freezer door, grabbing an icepack and wrapping it in paper towels before tossing it to Mikey.

Leo kicked the fridge shut, leaning on his crutch. “What did you do anyway?”

Mikey hesitated as his mind searched for a lie. “I...I caught my leg in the gap between my subway car and the floor the other day. I guess I must have twisted it then.”

The slider looked at him in silence for a second before shrugging. “Alright. Just be more careful, and don’t walk on that leg.”

Mikey smiled, pushing himself off of the table and landed on his left leg before setting his right one on the ground. He held the ice in both hands, fidgeting with it by shifting the weight back and forth. “Alright, promise.” He made himself laugh.

He limped out of the Medbay, trying to get back to his room as fast as he could. He felt exhausted for no conceivable reason, and he just wanted to get some sleep in the hopes that it’d go away.

But he couldn’t get back to his room without issue, because nothing ever works out perfectly for Mikey.

Donnie was heading in the opposite direction of Mikey, but stopped in his tracks when he spotted the box turtle. “Mikey? You alright?”

He’d heard, because of course he fucking did. 

Mikey wanted the day to end already.

Mikey smiled softly and nodded. “Yeah, I twisted my ankle the other day and Raph was worrying about it, Leo said it was fine.” 

The softshell tilted his head slightly, but Mikey couldn’t read his expression at all really. His gaze was thoughtful, Mikey wondered what he could be thinking of. Unlike previous days, it didn’t fill him with a sense of panic or dread.

“How?”

It was almost accusatory in tone, but Mikey just shrugged. “I caught it in the gap between my car and the floor.”

“You haven’t been anywhere?”

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Mikey feigned confusion. “No? Not since my walk, like, a week ago. Why?”

Before Donnie could answer, there was a buzz, and the softshell pulled out his phone. He stared at it for a moment before looking back up at Mikey. “No reason. Be more careful, alright, Angelo?”

The purple turtle left before Mikey had the chance to say bye.

Now that the hall was empty, Mikey quickened his pace, and managed to get to his room without being interrupted. He tossed the ice pack into his hammock-bed for later. Completely opposite to earlier, he felt that he needed to stand for a while, leaned against the doors just so that he could think.

He can’t feel the effects, thank pizza supreme for that, but he knows of the panic and fear and dread in the back of his mind.

Did he know something?

Firstly, how would he even know??

Mikey had been pretty careful. At least, he was careful the second time, when he went to the mystic library. When he snuck out just to walk around and get out of the lair, he was much more panicked, and it was possible that someone could have spotted him without him noticing.

Or, Donnie went by his room while he was gone and noticed Mikey’s absence.

But there was no way that Donnie had found out like that the first time Mikey snuck out, he wouldn’t have waited this long to say something. It had to be something different.

Mikey took a deep breath.

Whatever. It was fine for now, he could worry more about it when he had gotten some sleep.

He just needed some sleep.

Mikey blamed the feeling of being physically and mentally drained on the sleep deprivation, and crawled into his hammock-bed. He put the ice pack on his ankle, and would take it off once it was numb.

He had a lot to ‘worry about later’. He didn’t mind it though. Sure, maybe future Mikey would be pretty upset with him, but he just needed to focus on the moment right now. Make sure his brothers were okay.

Specifically, try to make sure that Raph wasn’t freaking himself out too much. Mikey can’t help but feel like he made things worse, and in all fairness, he probably did.

Nearly passing out just trying to hold a conversation because he hadn’t slept in 24 hours and almost falling directly on his face after Raph had clearly already been worrying about Mikey for weeks probably didn’t do the snapping turtle any good.

On the bright side, Mikey didn’t think he’d have to do more therapy meetings. He was happy to see his brothers taking his advice and bettering themselves mentally and physically, even if it was little steps at a time. 

Even if he couldn’t really feel that happiness.

Leo was treating his emotions and problems much more seriously, Donnie looks the most rested he’s ever been since the invasion, and Raph hadn’t set foot in the dojo before breakfast in multiple days, which is a big improvement from what it was like before.

Mikey was happy with that, for now.

Today showed him that he couldn’t give up the mystic stuff yet, though. It was easy to gauge Raph’s anxiety by his Raph chasm, Leo’s overly careful approach to and analysis of a simple twisted ankle showed his doubts of Mikey’s well being, and Donnie...

That one was pretty obvious. No one asks if someone has ‘been anywhere’ with no intention behind it.

His ankle was numb by that point, so Mikey kicked away the ice pack.

Tomorrow. He’d do the same again tomorrow to make sure they weren’t stressed. To make it clear he was okay.

And nothing would go wrong.

Chapter Text

“How are your scars doing?”

When Raph’s youngest brother had told him that there was extra water in the TV room, he really hadn’t questioned anything. He had no reason to doubt Mikey, so why would he? 

So when he walked in to see the projector set up with Mikey in front of it, ready to lecture him on some issue in regards to his mental health, he was surprised. He sat down anyway, because he knew there was no getting out of a meeting with Dr. Feelings when you had already set foot in the room. Mikey was too stubborn to allow that.

The box turtle did have a point, as he often did. It was drilled too far into Raph’s head that he had to protect his brothers for him to not be worried about them, but he could use a few more breaks from training.

He also didn’t want to know what would happen if Mikey caught him overworking himself.

That’s not a lecture he wanted to receive.

He watched as the box turtle got to his feet, he had previously stepped away from the screen to give Raph a lesson on being kind to himself, and he noticed Mikey reaching for his sweater sleeve. Mikey scratched at the bandages on his wrist, which ran all the way up the length of his arms and ended at his shoulders.

Raph frowned. He could imagine the discomfort of having those bandages on all the time, especially for someone like Mikey. Raph didn’t really know why he kept the bandages on still, as Mikey’s scars hadn’t bled at all since right after he opened the portal.

It was possible that it was some mystic related thing, Raph wasn’t really the smartest when it came to that. It was definitely more Mikey’s territory. The three older brothers had only gotten a simple rundown of the effects the portal had on Mikey’s arms from the box turtle himself a little after Leo had woken up.

Draxum had visited for that initial check over a while before then, though. Mikey wanted to wait so he didn’t have to explain it more than once.

He couldn’t remember a time since then that Mikey’s scars had been checked over, actually.

So out of curiosity and a little concern, he had asked the orange turtle that question.

Mikey almost flinched at the sound of Raph’s voice. Just a second later, Mikey turned to look at him with a nervous smile. “Hm?”

Raph frowned even more. “How are your scars doing? They haven’t been bothering you, right?” He repeated the question.

Mikey was silent, his eyes wide, which Raph found just a little alarming. Raph spoke again, which startled the box turtle, like he had been lost in thought. “Mikey?” Raph couldn’t help the anxious edge to his voice, but Mikey still didn’t say anything, only looked past him with a far off look in his eyes. A little shake ran up his arms. “...Mikey?”

A second or two later, a nervous smile spread across the box turtle’s face. “I-it’s fine, uh, why don’t I just finish up here and-”

Raph’s expression quickly went from concerned to serious. “Mikey, if something’s wrong-”

Mikey quickly shook his head, cutting him off just as Raph had done to him. “Nothing’s wrong!” The orange turtle held his hands together, fidgeting slightly. He hesitated before talking again with a smile that Raph knew was fake on instinct. “Uhm, I think I just need a nap, y’know? I stayed up real late to get this set up and I’m just really tired.”

“Mikey-”

“Exhaustion can lead to some really weird emotions!” Mikey didn’t give his older brother a chance to say another word as he inched closer to the door. “Bye Raphie!!”

Mikey slipped out of the door, and not even a second later Raph was on his feet. He didn’t run after him, he had no reason to, but when he peaked out the door of the TV room he realized that Mikey had run, because the younger turtle was nowhere to be found.

Raph assumed that Mikey had gone to his room, and he was proven right when he ran into the twins.  Donnie was supporting Leo, who was looking off in the opposite direction. Raph slowed to a stop in front of them. “Did Mikey run by?”

Donnie raised an eyebrow at him. “‘Run’ is an understatement. He nearly knocked Leo over.”

The slider pouted. “Pretty rude of him. Didn’t even-”

Raph didn’t hear the rest of what his immediate younger brother said as he walked past. The orange themed subway car was shut when he approached it, its lights off as well. He saw that the door was locked.

He heard footsteps and glanced over his shoulder to see the twins following behind him, both seemed to realize that this was something serious.

Raph’s gaze flicked back and forth between the two of them, uncertain. “Should I knock?”

Leo shook his head immediately. “No, don’t try it. If he locked the door, he probably doesn’t want to talk.”

Raph frowned, turning his back to the youngest’s room. “No, seriously. He seemed really freaked out. I don’t want to just leave him alone in there. I- I’m worried.”

If Leo could, he’d probably cross his arms, but one arm was preoccupied holding his crutch to keep him standing. ““I don’t think forcing him to talk would do him any good.” After a pause, he asked “Why did he run out like that anyways?”

“I don’t know!” Raph put his hands up. “I asked him about his scars and he started acting weird. Said he was tired and left.”

“His scars?” Donnie spoke up suddenly. “Hm. Well, I think it’s the same policy as when he’s stuck in his shell. Leave him be until he wants to come out again.”

“You sure?” Raph asked.

The softshell only shrugged. “If he really is just tired, then we should let him rest.”

Raph wanted to believe Mikey. He really did.

But some instinct told him it was a lie. An instinct he should have trusted.

But he didn’t.

“Let him rest.” Raph repeated, only trying to convince himself that it was fine. “Yeah.”

He glanced at the door.

That nagging feeling didn’t go away.

Leo smiled at him comfortingly. “You can talk to him in the morning if you need to.”

“In the morning. Okay.” Raph nodded. He stepped away from Mikey’s room, retreating to his own instead. 

He didn’t think he could go back to the dojo, not after he just had the conversation about giving himself a break, and he didn’t think he could focus on anything at the moment.

Raph’s room was easily the cleanest out of the brothers. It was tidy, cleaned regularly, and it was generally very well kept. There were some weights along a rack on one side and a punching bag in the corner. His bed was large, it had to be to fit him, made with comfortable, clean sheets.

By his bed, the opposite side of the weights, was a collection of stuffed animals lined on shelves, some larger ones sitting on the floor. It was an interesting contrast between the two halves of the subway car.

He sat down on the bed, which dipped down under his weight, his shoulders slouched.

He was well aware that it was probably just anxiety.

He didn’t want to overthink it because he knew it would just make things worse, but he didn’t think he’d be able to relax with all the thoughts running through his head.

Somehow, he managed to feel guilty. He felt guilty for making Mikey upset.

Maybe he shouldn’t have asked? 

Maybe it wasn’t his business to? 

No. It was, because Mikey’s well being would always matter to him, because Mikey was his little brother. And clearly something was wrong. He just wouldn’t force Mikey to talk to him when he wasn’t comfortable.

Still, maybe it would have been better for him to have kept his mouth shut.

He wasn’t in his room for long. Well, Raph didn’t think he was. He didn’t check or keep track of the time. Only tried to keep himself from worrying too excessively. 

Mikey wouldn’t be mad at him.

After a while, he forced himself to get up and get something to eat.

The brothers always had a ton of frozen pizza around the lair, enough to last them through an apocalypse. They used to eat it when Mikey didn’t feel like or didn’t have the time to make dinner and it was too late to order anything, but they have it much more often now, since Mikey hasn’t made dinner in a while.

Not since Leo woke up. Mikey had made him soup as soon as he was awake, and hasn’t made any dinner since then.

As he headed for the kitchen, he passed by Mikey's room again.

It wasn't locked this time.

He stops, his head turned to stare at the shut doors. Without thinking, he lifts his hand to them as if to knock.

No. 

It's best to leave him be.

The kitchen was empty when he reached it, as he expected it to be. He opened the freezer, which was packed with more frozen pizza than should be physically possible. He ate in silence. 

He didn't stop by Mikey's door when he passed it again.

Guilt still loomed over him as he laid in his bed, the stuffed animals he surrounded himself with providing no comfort.

He said he'd wait until morning, but he couldn't do anything. 

With that thought, he reached for his phone.

There was nothing wrong with a quick text. Then Raph could sleep soundly. 

'I'm sorry if I overstepped. Get some rest'

'Sorry I made you uncomfortable, I shouldn't have asked that without warning'

'Sorry I made you upset. Come out whenever you're ready big man :)'

Raph hit send. He sighed and put away his phone, rolling onto his side to try and sleep.

He'd talk to him in the morning.

---

Leo had still been half asleep when Raph knocked on his door. He had expected to hear Mikey on the other side, waking him up for breakfast as he always did, but when he heard his older brother’s voice instead he sat up quickly and reached for his crutch.

He had no trouble getting up, he was very used to it at this point. He still couldn’t wait for when he no longer needed it, but that was at least a month or two away.

He leaned his full weight on it as he slid the door open to see Raph and Donnie waiting for him. They both stood a little back from the door to give him room to step out. Raph’s hand hung in the air to catch him if he fell, but it was easy for the slider to step out.

Leo shut the door behind him, stepping forward. “So...what’s with the ominous vibe?”

Raph didn’t seem very amused. To be fair, he rarely was. “You didn’t forget yesterday.”

“Of course I didn’t.” Leo shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I expected this. Where’s Mikey?”

“He’s in the kitchen. I woke up early and told him to sit down for a while to relax.” Raph’s arms were crossed, most of his weight on his heels. “I wanted to talk to you guys about him. I’m worried.”

Leo had to resist the urge to respond with ‘When are you not?’

The slider tilted his head. “He said what was wrong yesterday, didn’t he? He was tired.”

Raph looked at the floor. “I don’t know if I believe that.”

Leo didn’t say it out loud, but he agreed. But he knew if he said that it’d make Raph freak out even more.

“Are we talking about the same brother? When was the last time Mikey lied to you?” 

“ You weren’t there. ” Raph almost snapped at him. “Something more is going on. I know it.”

Leo got quiet.

A few seconds later, Donnie spoke up. He had been standing to the side, letting the two older brothers go back and forth. “What were you guys doing when you asked him that?”

Raph was confused for a moment, looking at the softshell a little strangely, before realizing what he meant and answering. “He was doing a Dr. Feelings presentation.”

The purple-themed turtle nodded as Leo’s eyes widened. “He gave me one a couple days ago.”

Both of the brothers looked over at Leo in silence as if to ask ‘you too?’ The look on his face was answer enough.

Raph frowned. “...should we-”

“No.” Leo answered quickly. “He does stuff like this all the time, it just means he’s worried about us. There’s no reason to confront him about anything.” Not now, at least. 

Donnie agreed. “It’s clear he doesn’t want to talk, we shouldn’t force it. He hasn’t done anything wrong.”

By the look in his eyes, Leo could tell Raph didn’t agree. Raph would never be okay with just sitting by when he thought something was wrong.

Leo didn’t feel like pulling out the ‘I’m the leader’ card, he didn’t think it would work in this situation anyway. ‘I’m the oldest’ would beat out his authority in relation to emotional shit, especially when it had anything to do with Mikey.

Luckily, he didn’t have to. Raph sighed, uncrossing his arms and letting his shoulders slump. “Okay. But if anything else happens, I’m stepping in. With or without you guys.”

Leo shrugged. “You can talk to him anytime to make sure he’s alright, no way I can stop you from doing that. Just...don’t overwhelm him.”

Leo let Donnie and Raph walk in front of him as they headed back to the kitchen. They couldn’t take too long talking, Mikey might start getting suspicious.

Leo noticed Raph’s steps hesitate for a second, before he smiled and stepped through the kitchen door. Leo peaked around Donnie’s head.

Mikey was sitting at his usual spot at the table, a couple of waffles on his plate. The slider did just as Raph had, his pace stuttering for just a second in his surprise before continuing to walk as normal.

It had been a while since Mikey had sat down to eat with them. 

A hesitant smile spread across his face.

Maybe that was a good sign. Maybe he was okay after all.

Maybe things would get better.

---

“Breakfast.” Mikey called into the lab from where he stood by the wall, and Donnie simply nodded back at him. He hadn’t been working on much when his younger brother had walked in, just zoned out, and hadn’t noticed him at first.

The box turtle left immediately, of course, not following Donnie back to the kitchen. After eating with them just a couple days ago, he had gone back to his usual routine of going to his room right after waking everyone.

It was a simple breakfast, just some eggs. Donnie would never complain. Not when Mikey went through the trouble of making them food without being asked.

The conversation with his two older brothers was normal, peaceful small talk about nothing in particular. Donnie was never a small talk kind of person, so he didn’t talk too much.

Even as he was walking to the kitchen, Donnie listened. He listened every morning for a specific sound. He wasn’t sure exactly when he started paying attention to it, only that he did and it became a habit.

Mikey went back to his room every single morning.

And every single morning, Donnie would listen to hear his door slide shut.

Why? He didn’t know. He didn’t expect anything terrible to happen, but for some reason, it made him more comfortable to hear it.

But there was nothing.

There was no sound today. He didn’t distantly hear the doors slide on the rails, making a clunk as they fell into place.

Which is why when he finished his breakfast he didn’t head back to his lab. He found himself in front of an orange-themed subway car, gently knocking on the door, accidentally in a pattern similar to how Mikey would knock on his door.

No response.

Donnie knocked a second time, hearing nothing, before slowly pushing the door open. The room was dark, completely empty.

Donnie shut the door to the youngest’s room, stepping away to search for him.

It’s not like Mikey isn’t allowed to go somewhere else, it was just that he hadn’t ever done anything else in the past few weeks. The random change was odd to the softshell. 

He just wanted to check in on him.

Nothing in the dojo, though he really didn’t expect anything. Leo had already claimed the TV room for himself. Donnie was going to loop around to the kitchen again to see if maybe he had just returned at some point without the purple turtle noticing, before he noticed something in the arcade.

Just a glimpse of orange in the doorway.

Donnie stopped walking, quickly changing course, and there his little brother was.

Mikey sat on the floor, his knees hugged to his plastron. His eyes were closed, but his expression was far from relaxed. 

The softshell stayed in the doorway. “You alright?”

Mikey opened his eyes, lifting his head to look up at his older brother. His eyes were watery, but it didn’t look like any tears actually fell. Donnie gave him a small smile, but it didn’t seem to help. Mikey’s gaze darted back and forth for a few moments, confused. “How did you...?”

“I didn’t hear your room doors close.” He explained. “So I went to see if you were there like usual, but you weren’t, and I started looking.”

Mikey’s mouth fell open a little in surprise. He was going to say something, but then he shut his mouth again and looked at the floor. Donnie crouched down to be eye level with the box turtle. “So, are you alright?” He repeated.

“Yeah, just...” Mikey shrugged.

Donnie smiled at him sympathetically. “You don’t know?”

“Just don’t want to think about it.” Mikey answered after a few moments. 

Donnie didn’t want to push him. If he didn’t want to think about it, then he didn’t have to. “What do you want?”

Mikey blinked, before smiling softly at his older brother. “A distraction would be nice.”

Donnie helped Mikey to his feet. Lucky they were in the game room, there were plenty of options to distract from any thoughts plaguing anyone’s mind. Donnie let Mikey pick the game, and the box turtle pointed to the default game they always played together, CrazyCopter.

Mikey wasn’t quiet , but he didn’t seem to be all there at the moment. Like half of his mind was busy with something, leaving the other half to talk and function on its own.

After just a few games, Mikey gave him a hug and thanked him, saying he felt better.

Suddenly, he was thankful for that habit he had picked up. Otherwise he may not have been able to help the box turtle with whatever was bothering him. It seemed to have him pretty shaken up.

Donnie went back to his lab, shutting the door behind him and stretching out his arms.

He wasn’t in much of a mood to work on...certain things at the moment. He didn’t feel like going to his room either.

It had been a while since he had booted up his computer, so maybe he’d find something random to work on there.

He did find something, but it wasn’t anywhere near what he was expecting.

As the monitor lit up, the softshell noticed something strange. It was mere coincidence that one of the things opened, front and center, on his computer at the moment was the control system for the trackers he most definitely absolutely totally does not have on anyone in his family.

He didn’t remember why it was open, but that didn’t matter, because something caught his eye.

The history of the past few days was in a bar on one side of the screen. It really only recorded important, in depth logs when anyone left the lair. That’s the only reason he’d need it.

Mikey had a log saved from three days ago.

He shouldn’t.

He shouldn’t because he didn’t leave the lair. At least, Donnie didn’t think he did, but clearly that was wrong. The only note that there should be from anything recently should be over a week ago when Mikey had asked to go on a walk, which Donnie quickly confirmed was a separate log.

The more recent one was from the middle of the night.

That was the day he ran away from Raph and locked himself in his room.

He’d left.

He’d left the lair without telling anyone, though it seemed he had only gone on a walk to a nearby park.

Donnie grimaced. He leaned back in his chair, considering what he should do next.

Well, clearly, he had to tell Leo and Raph about it. Raph had said that if anything else happened, he’d have to talk to Mikey. 

This certainly was something, even if it had technically happened before the snapping turtle made that statement.

Donnie waited for a while, staring at the screen, before finally getting up. He knew where to find Leo, the slider should still be in the TV room, and he pulled out his phone to text Raph to meet him there.

Donnie gently nudged Leo awake, telling him that he needed to talk about something before the slider could question what was going on. Raph was in the TV room before long.

Once the three older brothers were present, Donnie crossed his arms. “Mikey snuck out the other night.”

Raph’s eyes shot wide open as he stuttered out a response. “He what??”

“When he locked himself in his room, he snuck out to go on a walk. Unless he told one of you, which I doubt”

Raph blinked, before leaning back and exhaling sharply through his nose. Leo lifted himself up on his toes. “So you do have trackers on us?”

“Not the point, Nardo.” Donnie deadpanned. “He seemed freaked out earlier, too. Has he done anything else weird that we should note?”

Leo fell back down and stood flat on his feet, his crutch shaking slightly as his weight shifted. “He stopped by to talk to me about therapy stuff again today.”

Raph blinked, looking up at the slider. “He talked to me yesterday.”

Leo met his gaze. “Dr. Feelings?”

“No. Just showed up as Mikey.”

“Same.”

Both of the older brothers' heads turned to look at the younger, and Donnie sighed. “I’ll be expecting a visit soon, it seems.”

Raph’s shoulders hunched. “We should-”

“Not. Yet.” Leo repeated his sentiment from their last conversation. “Going on a walk isn’t really dangerous, it’s just suspicious that he didn’t talk to anyone first. We shouldn’t make it seem like a worse problem than it actually is.”

The snapping turtle almost glared at the younger, but didn’t object further.

There wasn’t much else to say after that.

Donnie retired to his room.

Sure enough, he’d see his younger brother the next day as predicted.

---

Raph paced back and forth in the arcade, his phone in his hands, searching through his contacts for the group chat between him, Leo, and Donnie. Leo had named it ‘The sunshine is gone and we’re all dead’.

Raph sent a short (and ominous) text that read ‘Arcade. Now.’ He would have gone to the TV room again, but Splinter was in it.

Leo and Donnie were both in the arcade fairly quickly, and there was no question as to why.

Raph crossed his arms. He wouldn’t let Leo change his mind again, not after today. Any other day, any other circumstance,  “We’re talking to him.”

Donnie quirked an eyebrow. “I don’t disagree, but shouldn’t we discuss at least a little bit?”

Raph’s arms uncrossed a little as he perked up. “Do you have something?”

“He snuck out again.”

Raph’s reaction was a mix of disbelief and pure shock. “What.”

“Specifically, he went to the mystic library.” The softshell added.

Raph sighed heavily.

Now, there wasn’t any problem with Mikey wanting to walk around or go anywhere. The issue was the fact that he was just going without telling them anything. They needed to know where he was.

Especially with all the shit that’s happened recently.

Not only that, but they were banned from the Mystic Library. It was dangerous for them to be there. What if something had happened to him? They wouldn’t have had any idea.

Raph glanced up at Leo, and with some surprise, he saw that the slider had much the same expression as he did, only with more careful consideration.

Leo met his eyes and nodded. “It’s crossed to the point of being dangerous. His ankle isn’t bad, but I guarantee he didn’t just trip.”

And even though Raph was pretty sure it was a lie already, that confirmation was like a stab. Lying about an injury was a specific line that Mikey had crossed, and it made him feel worse. Not just slight disappointment, but hurt.

“We’ll talk to him after breakfast.”

Tomorrow.  

Chapter Text

Mikey was sitting in his room when it happened.

He had just made breakfast that morning, returning to his room as he usually did, and now was sitting against the door. He didn’t have anything important to do today, so he was just...sitting.

It was oddly surreal. He’d been stressing about every little thing recently, constantly having plans or something to do, and he never really had any time to himself.

Now he did, and he didn’t have the energy to do anything at all.

That’s how he’s felt for quite a while now, completely drained of energy. He knew what it was related to. The faint light that his arms emitted almost constantly now was a very obvious sign of that.

Yet he kept going.

He didn’t know what he looked like. He hadn’t looked into any mirrors, but he could guess that he looked pretty tired. He hoped his smile was convincing enough to his brothers that he was doing fine.

Yet, in his gut, he knew it wasn’t.

He didn’t have the foresight, however, for the knock that he heard on the door behind him. It startled him, making him jolt forward, turning his head to look at the door behind him. 

After a second, he shuffled forward. He lifted himself onto his feet, taking a moment to brush himself off and check to be sure that his arms weren’t doing that glowy thing. Or really, he checked that it wasn’t obvious.

After taking a deep breath, he opened the door.

And he saw all three of his brothers standing in front of him.

Terrifying. Or, it would be. The spark of fear and panic was only a fleeting sense in the back of his mind, not really reaching far enough to have any actual effect on his thoughts.

There really wasn’t a lot of time between him pulling the sliding door open and the first word being said, but Mikey’s thoughts were running a million miles a minute, so he had time to guess why they were here.

They stood about a foot away from the door, the twins in front of Raph. 

Leo was on Mikey’s left, he had the same expression he assumed when in ‘leader’ mode, which wasn’t that much different from when he acted as a medic. He leaned more onto his crutch than he usually would, his other hand on his hip.

Donnie stood opposite to his older twin, his arms crossed. The softshell didn’t often have any obvious emotion on his face. His eyes were narrowed and he was avidly avoiding eye contact, but that wasn’t unusual. 

Raph stood behind both of them, and he seemed the most upset. He seemed like he was trying to look much calmer than he actually was, but unlike the last time the snapping turtle had talked to Mikey, he wasn’t very anxious. He was angry, frustrated. His arms were crossed as well, and Mikey didn’t fail to notice the way his nails dug into his arms slightly.

They didn’t ask to come in, choosing instead to stay in the hall. Leo opened his mouth to talk, and it was as if the other two were waiting for him. Like they planned this.

They planned this.

Mikey spoke before Leo had the chance to get a word out. “Is everything...okay?” He tried not to sound suspicious, forcing concern in his voice. 

The question was pointless. He knew there was nothing wrong.

The problem was that they thought there was.

Leo only paused for a moment before continuing. “Yeah, we’re just a little worried. We-”

Mikey smiled, cutting him off. “Oh, is this about the ankle thing from yesterday? I'm alright, really, you don't have to worry about me.”

Mikey was hoping that was all it was, even if he knew it wasn't. 

He wanted them to turn around. He didn’t want them to confirm to him that they knew everything, that he had failed and that they knew he had been lying about his scars since the invasion. 

He wanted them to take the simple answer. 

He jumped right to the first idea that had crossed his mind and held out hope that they were just worried because he was hurt. They were just checking on him, and they didn't doubt him on everything he had told them. They had no idea what he had to hide, that he was hiding anything at all.

The silence felt way longer to Mikey than it actually was.

Then Donnie opened his mouth, and everything Mikey wanted to believe fell to pieces.

“Mikey, we know you snuck out the other night.”

Fuck.

“And that you snuck out a week ago, too.”

FUCK.

The box turtle’s grip tightened in the door handle, which he hadn’t even realized he never let go of after he opened the door. “Oh, I-” He stumbled over his words, but he didn’t have an excuse. He didn’t think he’d ever have to think of one.

The panic wasn’t just a fleeting sense in the back of his head anymore, it was like before he visited the Mystic Library, when he didn’t know nearly anything about what he was doing with his mystics. When he didn’t know anything about whatever ‘equivalent exchange’ or ‘energy source’ sciency stuff and was just acting on instinct.

But it was also different, because it was so much stronger. His shoulders tensed. He could feel his hands starting to shake, it felt like his whole body was shaking. He wondered if his voice shook too.

He hid his arms behind his back, just in case. 

His head was starting to hurt.

When he heard someone start talking, it didn’t register in his mind who it was at first, not until his vision came back into focus (when had it blurred?) and he saw that Raph’s mouth was moving. “You can’t sneak off in the middle of the night, we need to know where you are. It’s fine to go on a walk, but to the Mystic Library? It’s not safe.”

Leo shifted his weight a little only to go back to leaning on his crutch. “And you got hurt.”

The box turtle’s head shrunk into his shell a little bit. He knew what was coming. He didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t move his arms, but he couldn’t tell if it was because he physically couldn’t or he didn’t have the will to.

“We’re worried.”

The one thing he didn’t want to happen. 

The one thing he was trying so hard to avoid.

All he had wanted, the entire reason he had started with his Mystic Emotions, was so they wouldn’t worry about him. So he could smile at them and lie and be okay and he couldn’t.

All he did was add to their stress.

Mikey stood still. Someone said his name, but he didn’t really hear it. He didn’t know what to do. 

His head suddenly hurt much worse. It felt like he was underwater, all the weight from the water above him pressing into skull.

His mind was overloaded, and suddenly, he did feel. For the first time in a while, he felt something. 

The cracks in his arms suddenly glowed much brighter, before fading to a much more mild yet consistent glow as his senses were overridden in a matter of seconds with nothing but fear and panic.

His arms were shaking. It had to be obvious. 

The room was dark. It had to be obvious.

He took a step back. It had to be obvious.

Someone reached out for him and he tried to push their hand away, but only then did he realize he was falling. His leg hurt, but he hadn’t noticed that initial stab of pain that had come with him leaning onto his bad leg a little too much. 

It didn’t really hurt when he hit the ground, he managed to catch himself well enough. He shifted onto his knees. He wasn’t hiding his arms anymore. Why bother? 

The train car that was his room shifted as someone stepped into it. He was farther from the door than he expected to be, he didn’t remember how he got so far. He didn’t remember stepping away, only falling. 

He didn’t like the light that poured in from the hall, it hurt his eyes. It hurt his head.

He didn’t like the light coming from his arms either. It was too bright.

The room shook again as another person stepped inside, and Mikey’s whole body tensed as it did. The motion made him sick. 

He couldn’t will himself to move off of the floor, to look up towards the bright light to see his brothers, not even to say something.

“Don’t touch him.” Donnie? Right. That was Donnie’s voice.

That was the first thing he had heard since he fell, but he was sure there was more that was said. He couldn’t get his mind to focus on anything. 

Mikey didn’t move, his eyes staring at the ground just in front of him. 

It was hard for his mind to focus on anything. His head suddenly didn’t hurt as it just had seconds before, though he couldn’t think about it too much at the moment.

Donnie was talking to him again, kneeling in front of him.

He didn’t know where Leo or Raph were. He didn’t pay attention to that. 

“Mikey?” The softshell was whispering. “Are you alright? Can you look at me?”

Mikey stared down at the ground for a while. He was trying not to look at his hands. He didn’t want to look up either, not just to avoid the bright light outside, but because he didn’t want to see his brothers’ faces.

He could sit there forever. He wished he could. He wished he didn’t have to answer. He wished he could be anywhere else.

The room felt too small again.

Eventually, he lifted his head. He squinted his eyes a little. The light from the hallway outside paired with the darkness of his room was too much of a contrast for him.

Donnie was kneeling in front of him. He tried not to look at his face, the concern and fear that the softshell masked with a comforting expression. He understood what it was like to be overwhelmed, that’s why he immediately stepped forward to try and calm Mikey down.

Leo was in the room, while Raph stood just outside still. Leo was a few steps away from his younger brothers, his hands hovering in the air like he didn’t know what to do with them. Mikey avoided his gaze. He couldn’t see Raph very well, and he was glad he couldn’t.

Even though he felt so mentally overwhelmed and physically exhausted, he still felt the need to hug his brothers for comfort.

It was something he had loved since he was a kid, whether it was his father or his brothers, a simple hug had been enough to calm him down from almost anything.

But now, the look on their faces fills him with so much guilt and shame that he can’t bring himself to move towards them. He can’t even meet their eyes.

Donnie says something to him again, but he doesn’t pay attention to the words. He shrinks in on himself, his head partly ducking into his shell once again. He doesn’t deserve the help. Not after all the shit he’s done recently.

Why could he only ever make things worse?

Mikey got up from the floor.

He didn’t remember most of it, really. One moment he was sitting on the ground, eyes blanky looking around at anything but his brothers, and the next he was running.

He heard voices and yelling as soon as he ran out of the room, but no one caught him.

He closed one of his eyes when he ran through the lair, squinting the other in the light. When he got to the sewers he could breathe a little more clearly, but still, he kept running.

Were they chasing him?

More importantly, why was he running from them?

He didn’t know. What he did know was that he needed to leave. He needed to get out of that room.

It was raining topside. He didn’t care. He didn’t really think to hide in alleys or anything, he was too distracted by his need to get away. The city was slowly repopulating as people moved back in, and it was busier than it had been a few weeks prior. 

Mikey started crying at some point, but he didn’t remember when.

He hadn’t brought anything with him, obviously. It was raining heavily. It drenched his gear and made his skin feel uncomfortably damp.

The open air didn’t help him at all. He hadn’t really gotten his emotions under control again, the fear and panic overwhelmed him. 

He didn’t have a goal in mind for where he was going. He didn’t have anywhere to go, he didn’t have anyone to go to. He wanted to get away.

So he kept running.

The streets weren’t entirely empty. He pushed through a small crowd of people once, which made him more freaked out than he already was, and he hoped that what everyone had seen during the invasion was weird enough that they wouldn’t question a mutant teenager shoving past them.

Running with his twisted ankle was not the best idea, but in his mind, he didn’t have any other choice. Every step he took was too harsh on his injury, and he barely managed to not stumble every few steps with the pain constantly surging through his leg.

The sky got darker, and he still kept running. He didn’t slow down, even as he got more and more exhausted, panting for breath. He was surprised no one had found him by now. He hadn’t noticed anyone following him, though maybe they didn’t have to follow him to know where he was, considering Donnie’s trackers.

Maybe they’re waiting for me to stop.

He passed by the same park he had gone to the first time he snuck out, when he had discovered that he could suppress his emotions at all. He didn’t slow down. 

He didn’t want to go to the same place again. They had known he went to the Mystic Library, they probably knew he went to the park the first time. Someone could be waiting for him.

He wasn’t ready to go back yet.

The sky got darker as the moon replaced the sun. The rain only worsened as time went on, and now it was pouring down on the box turtle. Heavy drops of rain beat down on his skin, but he kept running without much thought. He wasn’t thinking at all about what he was doing, he only kept moving because he didn’t know what else to do.

He was going in circles. He thought he was, at least. Everything looked the same. He didn’t pay attention to his surroundings.

Suddenly, after stepping on his bad leg, he tripped. He was caught off guard and didn’t have time to catch himself. He quickly threw his arms up to block his face just in time before he hit the pavement, skidding a few inches. He rolled onto his side.

His bandages had protected his arms for the most part, but the fall still hurt, and there were few scratches on his elbows from the concrete. His knees were fine, thanks to his knee pads, but he had scratches on his shins and his ankle did not feel good.

Falling snapped him out of the trance he had been in, and reality hit him as he looked around at the dark city streets.

He lifted his head, leaning on his arms in front of him and sitting on his knees.

He seemed to be the only soul awake on that street. He had no idea what time it was. The moon was high in the sky above him. 

He was panting, and the rain continued to beat down on him as his eyes drift to the rooftops above him. There was nothing and no one.

He was alone.

He had stopped crying at some point while he was running, he probably ran out of tears, but he managed to start again sitting there on the ground. He couldn’t tell the difference between his tears and the rain.

He couldn’t go home yet. He wanted to, but he can’t.

Still, he couldn’t sit in the street for the night, however much was left of it. He forced himself to stand, no matter how much it hurt. Mikey could already feel the soreness in his legs. He felt like he’d run a marathon, and he probably had.

He fought back a wince everytime he stepped onto his bad ankle, limping slightly as he dragged himself into the alley he had fallen a few feet away from. The rain made the scratches on his arms and legs sting.

He walked as far into the alley as he could manage before slumping against the wall. He drew his knees up to up to his chest, breathing in deeply before heaving a heavy sigh and staring up toward the few stars he could see above him.

He felt like an idiot.

Running topside was such a stupid, impulsive decision that he couldn’t even recall the initial thought that caused it. 

But he’d done it and there was no undoing it. Now he was sitting in a random alley in the middle of New York City, bleeding and exhausted and drenched and cold and completely, utterly alone.

There was no shelter from the rain in the alley. He was staring straight up into the cloud filled sky, having to blink raindrops out of his eyes every now and then. 

The steady falling of the rain kept him from getting caught up in his own guilt too much. As soon as he started to overthink everything he’d done, a bead of water would hit his face and his eyes would come back into focus.

He couldn’t have been out there for too long. It felt much longer to him, of course, but he wouldn’t have been left there to sit for that long when someone knew where he was.

Mikey hadn’t even noticed that someone else had entered the alley until The rain that he had become so used to suddenly stopped as his view of the sky was blocked by an umbrella. 

He blinked, moving his head off the wall behind him to look at the person that had interrupted his sulking. He would have smiled at the familiar face, but he was too shocked.

The person didn’t seem too bothered, and looked at him with a soft smile and face full of sympathy. 

“What are you doing out here?”

Chapter Text

“What are you doing out here?”

Mikey blinked, shocked and confused. He tried to say something, but his mouth fell open and no sound came out.

Of all the ways he thought the night could end, not one of them included his human sister finding him.

April smiled at him with sympathy, her umbrella covering him more than it did her. For the first time in a while, that expression didn’t make his skin crawl with guilt. He had never been so happy to see her in his life, but that happiness was overshadowed by surprise at the moment.

Finally, he found his voice. “...how did you find me?”

She seemed almost amused at the question. “Uh,” she pointed at the building Mikey was leaning against with her free hand, “I live here.”

The box turtle’s eyes widened. He leaned forward, turning his head to look at the wall he was against. 

He tripped in front of her apartment building.

He had been so panicked and lost, he didn’t even recognize the area he was in. Mikey looked out towards the street, and suddenly he could see the familiar buildings.

Mikey didn’t look away from the street as April continued talking. She followed his gaze, staring at the falling rain with him. “You’re lucky I was up late tonight. I was working on a university project, glanced out at the street, and there you were.”

She looked away at the same time he did. Their eyes met again, but he couldn’t manage to do anything but stare at her. He didn’t have anything to say to her. He didn’t have anything to say for himself.

She gave him that same soft smile again and extended a hand toward him. “Let’s get you inside.”

Mikey hesitated a little, before taking her hand and pulling himself up. He followed her inside, hurrying to the elevator before anyone had a chance to see him.

The elevator jerked a bit when it began to ascend. April began wrapping up her umbrella. Mikey stared at the number above the door, watching as it ticked up.

He only realized how cold he was now that he was inside. He was drenched, and now, he was shivering.

April finished wrapping her umbrella, talking without paying much mind to whether Mikey was listening or not. “Donnie gave me a call a couple hours ago, he said you were freaked out about something and that you ran off.”

Mikey blinked, turning his head to look at her as she began to rummage in her pocket, presumably looking for her phone. “Glad I found you before the rain got any worse. I’ll text the guys, someone will probably pick you up in less than an hou-”

“No!” Mikey blurted out before he could stop himself. April stopped in her tracks, just as she got her phone out of her pocket, staring at Mikey in surprise. The elevator dinged as they reached her floor, the doors sliding open. 

He took a breath. “Can I stay?” He hesitated for a second. “Please. I just...I don’t want to go home yet.”

After a moment, she smiled at him. “Okay. I’ll let them know you’re here, at least.”

He couldn’t help but sigh in relief.

Mikey followed her to her apartment. She didn’t try to ask why he wanted to stay, or why he ran in the first place, and he knew from that alone that she had been told what happened. 

He thought that, at the very least, she must know that he had run away because his brothers had confronted him. He didn’t know if she knew why they had talked to him, but he knew she had to know some of it.

She set her umbrella down once they got to her apartment, locking the door behind them. She told him he could sit on the couch, and immediately went off to get him blankets and towel to dry off with. 

Mayhem had been running in circles since Mikey had stepped inside, and now that he had sat down the yokai hopped onto the couch and settled himself next to the box turtle, licking and nipping at his hands.

When April returned with the blankets, she also had some Band-Aids and ointment for the cuts and scratches on his legs and elbows.

“My parents aren’t gonna be home for a few days, so you can stay for a while until you’re ready to leave.” She told him as she draped a towel over his shoulders, and a thick blanket on top of that. “They’ve been doing a lot of overtime since...you know, so I’ve been manning the fort.”

Mikey only nodded his head slightly in response. She kneeled on the ground in front of him, and he extended his leg out to make it easier for her to clean up and put Band-Aids on the scratches he got from the pavement. After she was done his legs, she moved on to the few cuts on his elbows. 

All the while she kept talking about meaningless little things to fill the air, which he appreciated, though he didn’t say anything.

Once she was done, she stood back up, stretching. “I’ll get some hot cocoa to warm you up.” She said with a small smile, before heading into the kitchen.

Mikey pet Mayhem, the yokai’s steady purring keeping him grounded in the moment. A sudden flash of lightning startled both him and Mayhem, who moved onto his lap and snuggled against him, his fur standing on end.

Mikey looked out the window, waiting for just a few seconds before loud, rolling thunder followed the flash. The rain was falling much harder now, battering harshly against the glass.

Another flash, and he could see the lightning strike the ground on the street about half a block away.

He was almost stuck out there.

He could imagine it pretty easily. Sitting there in the alley, being blinded by light every few seconds as the rain pelted his skin. He could see himself jumping at the thunder, even though he would be given warning of it, and curling in on himself further each time.

Still, despite the state of the weather that he could see just outside the window, he doubted that he would have gone home. Even if he were stuck in a storm that bad, he thinks he would have stayed right where he was.

The box turtle sighed. He didn’t know what had happened initially that caused him to lose control of his emotions and run away in the first place.

Speaking of which, he realized that he should probably fix that. He wouldn’t be ready to go home any time soon at all if he didn’t manage them.

He closed his eyes, resting a hand on Mayhem’s flank as he focused his energy. He could feel his emotions fade and get fainter until there was nothing at all for him to feel.

April’s footsteps startled him, and he opened his eyes to see her entering the room once again. She almost looked more startled than he was as she spotted the faint glow emanating from his arms. “Uh, are you alright?”

Mikey smiled softly at her. “Yeah. They do that sometimes, nothing to worry about.” He extended a hand to show her, letting her examined the cracks as best she could through the bandages before taking the hot cocoa she had made for him. 

Nothing would ever really compare to Mikey’s homemade hot cocoa, but he’d never say that to anyone. He couldn’t complain.

They talked for a while. It was peaceful, content. After a while, April said good night. Mikey would sleep on the couch.

Mayhem was nice enough to stay with him, laying on top of his plastron. He stared at the ceiling. He didn't have a phone to check the time with, and he hadn't thought to ask April what time it was, so he didn't know how much sleep he could get before morning.

Still, he didn't find himself falling asleep for a long time.

---

When Mikey woke in the morning at 8, a couple hours later than he would usually get up, April insisted that he couldn't sit inside and do nothing all day, and she was quick to suggest that he join her on a trip to the store.

“I have to go out for groceries anyway,” She told him, “and given your brothers’ track record, I don't trust you with my apartment.” 

Apparently they were his brothers when the topic was property damage.

Mikey hesitated, scratching at his wrist through the bandages. “I don't know, what are we gonna do about...this whole situation?” He waved a hand in front of his face.

“I have a hoodie you can borrow, if you want it.” She smiled, immediately heading towards her room to find it. “Don't forget people have seen weirder things than green skin, Mike.”

Right.

The hoodie she gave him was a near-perfect fit, it was a slightly lighter green than he was with the the Eastlaird University logo in the center of it. She also lent him a pair of black sweatpants and shoes.

The box turtle pulled the hood up over his face as he followed April out of her apartment, only looking back to wave goodbye to Mayhem.

He thinks he should feel guilty. Even if he’s never directly said his reason for not wanting to go home, he knows she’s assumed that he’s just emotionally overwhelmed still, and Mikey can’t help but consider it lying by omission.

He thinks he should feel guilty.

Really, he can’t tell what he feels. If he feels anything at all. Even that sense in the back of his mind feels muddled now, faint and fleeting. He can’t even feel the emotions he’s not actively trying to block out.

He ignores it.

The closest store was a short walk away, just a couple blocks. April drove the cart while Mikey stuck close to the side of it. She had her own grocery list, and simply added anything Mikey needed to the cart as they went along. 

After a few minutes of silence interrupted with the occasional small talk, April asked him something. “How have you guys been?”

There was a silent ‘dealing with it’ at the end of that question. April didn’t need to say it for Mikey to hear it.

Mikey put on a smile. “Alright, for the most part. Everyone has their issues, but...I think we’re doing fine, despite it all.”

The human smiled back at him. “Good! I’d visit more often if I could, but school takes up most of my time.”

The box turtle nodded. Most colleges and universities in New York hadn’t started up classes again just yet, given that out of state students had gone home to visit family after the invasion, but most had pushed out online classes in the mean time while things were rebuilt, including Eastlaird.

Mikey glanced out the glass windows as they by passed the front of the store. Some of the panes were clearer than others, indicating they had to be replaced not too long ago. He remembered the large amount of glass in the streets in the immediate aftermath of the invasion.

Most buildings, however, were at least partially rebuilt. Very few had been completely repaired, it had only been a few weeks  after all, but some significant progress had been made.

“It’s all going a lot faster than I expected.” He said after a minute or so of quiet.

April tilted her head. “What is?”

“Everything.”

Though they had gone into an isle at this point, Mikey was still staring towards the windows visible at the end. April stopped, following his gaze. “Oh,” she said as she realized what she meant, “Yeah, things have been pretty quick. People want to get back to their lives, all the city’s effort is put towards rebuilding.”

Mikey blinked, finally looking away. “I don’t come up topside too often. Not during the day. I don’t see the work as it’s done, so it’s a little...jarring, when I see it.”

She hummed. “You could help Cass sometime, if you want to get out more.”

“What do you mean?”

“Cass and the Brownie Scouts have been doing a lot of work to help with rebuilding.” She told him. “They’ve been raising money and actively volunteering to help with reconstruction. Did you not know?”

Mikey shook his head. “I haven’t talked to her.”

April simply shrugged. “Honestly, I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to her much either. She’s just busy.” After a pause, she added, “Draxum’s kind of the same way, but I guess it’s always been like that. Have you talked to him?”

Mikey thought of his scars and mystic ‘crimes’ (not in a legal sense, but certainly in a moral one) that he’s been committing in the past few weeks. He certainly does miss his yokai father, even though it hadn’t been that long since they’d last spoken, the thought of talking to him filled him with a sort of dread.

Well, it would, if he could even feel it. Ironically, the fact that he couldn’t was the source of that dread and guilt.

The idea that just talking to Draxum would, somehow , cause the yokai to know everything the box turtle was doing was instilled in Mikey’s mind. That he would just... sense that Mikey was up to something mystically, and to be fair, it didn’t seem that far fetched to him.

He was a scientist. A Warring Warrior Scientist, specifically. His work was influential enough to be published . He was the only mystics expert that Mikey knew.

Mikey just shook his head. “No, not since a couple days after the invasion.”

April didn’t seem surprised. “Well, he’s been volunteering too. Not at construction sites or anything like Cass. I helped him not too long ago, at a soup kitchen for people who lost their homes. I think he set it up himself, with the other lunch ladies.” She smiled to herself, before looking at Mikey. “You really changed him for the better, you know?”

Mikey’s lips tightened. He hesitated for just a second, before nodding and giving her his signature, cheerful grin. “Dr. Positive at work!”

For the better.

The box turtle couldn’t even start to get lost in thought before April interrupted him. They had gotten everything on her list, along with some food for Mikey to bring home. Mainly ingredients to replace everything he’d used to make breakfast for the past few weeks, which opened up his options for what he could make once again. 

April led the way to a self-checkout desk, Mikey following closely behind. “I’m guessing you haven’t seen Junior either?”

“Nope.”

“Figures,” April snickered, “I didn’t expect you of all people to ghost anyone.” She teased in a soft voice that didn’t seem to fit her quite right, like there was a hint of concern hidden beneath her words. It did seem unlike him, he had to admit that, though  any odd behavior was made much more understandable when the events of the invasion were taken into account.

Despite her unspoken disquietness, April kept her usual smile on her face. “I’ve talked to him a lot. He’s trying to go to school, get and education so he can get a job. He’s just doing volunteer work now. He asks me about school all the time.”

Mikey just hummed and nodded. Leo was much closer to the future boy than he was, but it still was nice to hear that Junior was settling into his new life well enough.

It was quiet again after that. Mikey passed her items from the cart and she scanned, eventually falling into a rhythm.

He watched the price increase.

He wasn’t the best at mental math, but it was easy to tell that most of the total was going towards Mikey and his brothers. A bit of guilt crept up his spine.

Once they were done and April swiped her card, he helped her carry bags out of the store. The walk to her apartment was short, but it was long enough for at least some conversation.

Mikey didn’t look at her when he spoke, only glancing to the side from where he stared at the ground as he walked. “I’ll pay you back, at some point.”

He barely saw her shake her head out of the corner of his eye. “You don’t have to.”

Mikey lifted his head. “But-”

“This is nothing in comparison to everything you’ve ever done for me,” she pointed out. “I don’t need any money from you. Donnie’s paying for half my tuition anyway, and I didn’t even ask him to. I owe you and the guys this, at least.”

The guilt that he could sense had settled under his shell, between where his shoulder blades would be. It made his shoulders tense, he felt a needle point grazing against his skin and drawing a circle at the base of his neck, making him shudder.

It was strange, having the uncomfortable, physical feeling of an emotion without actually feeling it. He made a mental note to himself to focus on his mystics before he slept later, just to get even the physical feeling under control. 

Somehow, it’s leagues more uncomfortable to have that itching beneath your skin with no thoughts or feelings to accompany it. To just have an empty irritation with no clear rhyme or reason as to why it’s there in the first place. 

He tried to ignore it, but his expression faltered for just a second, and April noticed because of course she did.

April smiles at him, a sort of scolding tone in her voice, but in a clearly playful and lighthearted way. “You’re my brother, Mikey. I’m not gonna make you indebted to me, not now, at least. As fun as having a favor from you would be, I’m not gonna hold you to it.”

And with that, Mikey shut his mouth. Though really, he planned on paying her back eventually anyway. Maybe not with money, but he’d find a proper way to thank her, because she really didn’t know the extent to which she had helped him.

Mikey didn’t really think much about anything, until that night. 

He had agreed to go home the next morning. He wanted to sleep first. Really, he wanted to think about what to say first. April had spent the rest of the day explaining to Mikey her current Uni project. Something about environmentalism and biohazards that Mikey couldn’t really wrap his head around, but he listened to April rant nonetheless.

Now, he was alone, sleeping on the couch yet again. He sat up, careful not to disturb Mayhem, who was sleeping on his legs. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to suppress everything that was running through his mind.

What was he going to say?

He had created a mess for himself, all because he couldn’t handle his emotions.

But it was fine. All he needed to do was craft an intricate, convoluted story to explain away everything he did as totally innocent and not concerning in any way at all. Easy!!

He sighed, flopping back down onto the couch once the glow in his arms had subsided and his emotions were thoroughly under control.

He’d be awake for a while longer.

In the morning, he’d enjoy a quick breakfast with April before walking with her to the nearest sewer grate and returning home.

He didn’t know what to expect from there, but he knew he would have a plan. (And that nagging guilt, which was particularly hard for him to ignore, and thank pizza supreme for mystics in that case.)

He just hoped they’d believe him, this time.

Chapter Text

“You sure you don’t want me to walk with you any further?” April asked him as he lowered himself into the sewer.

Mikey shook his head. “I’ll be alright, I can carry everything on my own.” He was hanging onto the ladder with one hand, his other holding a few bags of groceries from the previous day’s shopping trip.

April nodded and smiled at him. “Alright. Let me know if you need anything.” 

“I will!” Mikey smiled back at her. His head dipped below into the sewers, the light coming from the opening above him turning to darkness as April pushed the grate back into place.

Mikey’s smile dropped as soon as the light disappeared.

He walked slowly. He didn’t do so on purpose. In fact, he barely noticed that he was keeping a sluggish pace.

He was ready — as ready as he’d ever be, anyway. He’d stayed up for hours at April’s preparing a story. He had answers for every question they could possibly ask him. 

He just needed to say it all. 

Easy enough when he can’t even feel the anxiety around anything going wrong. He can’t tell if it’s there at all. Even that persistent, annoying feeling was numb. Those needles that pierced the back of his neck and sent shivers throughout his entire body were wholly gone, or at least he couldn’t notice anything off.

It'd been getting more numb for a while now.

But that was fine. Great, even! It made it all the more easier to smile and say what he needed to.

He was home before long, and he wasn't dreading it as much as he had been in the alley.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but what he should have seen coming was the group waiting for him barely five steps through the entrance.

The wave of guilt he did expect upon seeing that they waited for him wasn’t there at all, either. Just a strange, profound blankness. Not that he was totally unfeeling, just extremely disconnected from it all.

Leo was leaning against the wall. When Mikey stepped through the tunnel, he sat up, smiling. 

Raph was standing idly near him, fiddling with his hands. He looked up when he noticed Leo had, and gave Mikey a similar smile, though his was a tad strained.

Mikey barely noticed Donnie. The softshell stood next to the sewer pipe that was the lair's entrance, only glancing up at Mikey before lowering his head and texting on his phone. Probably telling April that the box turtle had arrived home.

A fleeting thought asked “Where else would I go?” Then he remembered he had run away enough times that they had begun to expect that of him, and he shoved the thought down.

He doubted they were waiting here all night. As overbearing as they could be sometimes, he didn’t think they could stand around for that long, not even Raph. April must have sent them a message he was on his way.

Though there was a question as to whether their concern could be considered overbearing this time.

There was something off about Leo’s smile. Anxiety was knitted into his expression, poking through the surface subtly enough that Mikey was only barely able to pick up on it.

Mikey's gaze quickly darted between each of them. He wanted to say something, but he was stopped by Leo before he could even think of something to say.

“Hang on, I know what you’re gonna say.” That ‘I’ wasn’t really an ‘I’, it was a ‘we’. Something in Mikey’s gut told him it felt rehearsed. He had a hunch that they had discussed what they should say.

That didn’t make him feel any worse at all.

Really. It didn’t, and it couldn’t.

Leo continued. “You don’t have to apologize. Clearly something’s going on, but it can afford to wait a day. We’re more worried about you.”

Mikey couldn’t expect anything less.

Leo offered his hand, and Mikey gave him the groceries he had been carrying with him. Raph wordlessly volunteered to put them away, taking them from the slider and retreating to the kitchen.

Mikey tried to say something, but he was stopped yet again by Leo. “It’s okay, Mike, you don’t need to explain right now. You just got back.” Mikey hadn’t even planned on starting with that, but he didn’t get to think before Leo asked a question that he really didn’t expect to hear.

“But, can I look at your scars?”

Mikey blinked, barely able to process the sudden, blunt question. A quiet “...huh??” fell from his mouth before a single thought could conjure in his mind.

Leo’s hands moved to rest on his hips as he assumed the pose he was most comfortable in. “Well, we noticed the glowing yesterday. Donnie and I aren’t the most mystically savvy but we figured our combined medical knowledge might be able to get an idea of how well your scars are doing.”

Any plan that Mikey had come up with the night before was effectively halted.

Mikey knew how to explain why his scars were glowing. He would be completely fine answering any questions they had, sure. He could just make up some mystic nonsense last minute if he really had to. They likely wouldn’t question anything he had to say about mystics, considering he was the best source they had other than Draxum. If he claimed he had been reading up on it, he wouldn’t technically be lying.

But a medical check up?

A thousand possible scenarios ran wild in Mikey’s mind. He was pretty confident that neither Leo or Donnie would be able to gauge exactly what he’s been doing. 

However, they would absolutely be able to tell that things had gotten worse.

Mikey’s arms were constantly sore, and he feared that when they got a good look at his scars, they’d light up at the worst possible time. He didn’t know if he could explain that away in the moment, let alone keep himself calm and get his emotions under control before he loses it again.

But he got the idea that they wouldn’t accept a no.

Leo had technically asked his permission, however Mikey could guarantee that anything about his physical health was something that Leo would refuse to push off, no matter the circumstance. 

Mikey didn’t have a proper reason for saying no, either. Not a good one. Not one they would accept without becoming even more concerned.

And so Mikey was backed into a corner. Metaphorically. Though he wouldn’t be surprised if Leo would do such a thing in order to ensure Mikey wasn’t actively dying over his scars. Not a nice thought!

Mikey smiled, a little awkwardly, and said in the most calm voice he could muster (which wasn’t actually that challenging); “I mean...alright. That’s fine.”

Suddenly, he was in the Medbay, sitting in silence on the end of one of their beds as Leo delicately unwrapped the bandages covering his arms. 

He felt incredibly awkward, trying his hardest not to make eye contact with anyone in the room, because of course Raph had to be there too.

Usually he didn’t care about being the center of attention, at least not around his brothers. This was a whole different story.

He got the feeling that he might be too focused on acting normal, that maybe his antsy-ness was more noticeable because of it. But he couldn’t really feel it, so it was probably fine. 

He felt disconnected from it all.

Mikey was brought back to reality when the last of the bandages that covered his right arm were removed, the cracks on his arms glowing faintly. It wasn’t something to be concerned about, though.

It wasn’t concerning to him. He’d seen far worse, after all. 

His brothers had not, so he started talking before they could question him. “It glows pretty much all the time, it doesn’t hurt.”

Raph was practically breathing down Mikey's neck. He was clearly trying to hold in the overly concerned and frantic questions, and was only barely succeeding. 

Donnie left the counter he was leaning against and rested a hand on the larger turtle's shoulder, whispering something Mikey couldn't hear. They both left the room.

Leo paused, not looking up from his younger brother's scars. “Right..does it hurt under pressure?” 

The slider gently pressed into one of the light cracks in Mikey's skin, and the box turtle shook his head.

Leo squinted, letting go of Mikey's right arm in favor of unwrapping and examining his left. 

Donnie returned alone. Mikey could see Raph's shadow outside the door, the snapping turtle standing just out of view. Despite the fact that Leo had stated Donnie and him would put their heads together on this, the softshell was keeping his distance. 

“The scars look like they're entirely healed,” Leo said, “but it doesn't feel like they are. They're still pulsating heat like a fresh wound or bruise.”

Mikey had no idea what that meant in terms of his healing process, but he guessed by Leo's tone of voice that he didn't really either. Leo traced one of the branching cracks from the crook of Mikey's elbow to his palm.

“Are your muscles sore?”

“No, not really.” Mikey lied.

“You never feel strained lifting or bending your arms? Do your muscles feel any weaker?”

Yes. A thousand times yes. Lifting a pencil felt like a 15 pound weight, a pan felt like 30. 

“Not that I've noticed.”

Leo squinted. Clearly, mystic damage was far beyond his medical knowledge. What was also very evident was the fact that it was very obvious something was going on, and the only thing that Leo couldn't gather was whether it was all a normal part of the healing process or if something was going terribly wrong.

There was a long, drawn out period of silence before Donnie spoke up, clearly aware of how his older twin was at a loss in terms of what to do from here. “I could call Draxum and ask-”

“NO!” 

Mikey didn’t think before he yelled. Not a thought crossed his mind for a few seconds after, either. He was shocked at the sound of his own voice, the short outburst making him jump and startling his brothers. Raph peaked into the room.

“I,” he swallowed, faking nervousness (that he did feel, deep down) to give his brain a chance to hand him an excuse. “April told me that Draxum is pretty busy, helping out with the clean up effort. I don’t want to bother him when he’s doing something so important just to restate what I’ve already been told.”

Mikey put on a guilty expression to hammer it in. “Sorry.”

A part of him realized it was manipulation, and he felt terrible; but he couldn’t really feel that, and the rest of him said it was necessary.

His brothers, who Mikey guessed each silently elected to discuss this at a later date when he was not around, were immediately incredibly soft spoken with him. It was as if the floor of the room was completely flooded with egg shells and Mikey just might explode if any one of them misstepped and made too much noise.

“That’s fine!” Leo said quickly. His tone of voice was grating to Mikey, spoken to him like one would speak to a toddler on the verge of a breakdown in a public place. Then again, Mikey’s behavior wasn’t too far from that description in some ways, what with the sudden screaming and guilt trippy undertones of his words.

At least a toddler manipulates unknowingly. For the most part. 

“As long as you aren’t actively in pain, everything’s probably all right.” Leo began to rewrap Mikey’s bandages. This also irritated the turtle slightly. 

He hated being treated as if he were helpless or a baby, and by this point Leo should know well enough that Mikey was fully capable of wrapping the coverings he’s been dressing on his own for weeks. However, there were more pressing issues at hand. Mikey found it easy to bite his tongue.

Leo continued with instructions, his hands moving with muscle memory from all the injuries he’s had to wrap over the years of being designated medic. “If they ever start to hurt, or worse, bleed; get me or whoever’s closest right away.”

He finished wrapping the bandages, and let Mikey put on his own Hamato wraps. “It’s better to make sure you’re not actively bleeding out rather than calling Draxum first, even if he’d know more about what to do to treat it.” He smiled at the box turtle. “We’d figure it out from there, alright? For now just rest up, get plenty of sleep and all. Don’t lift anything too heavy.”

Mikey only nodded in response. As he redid his Hamato wraps over his bandages, Donnie asked him something. “Did Draxum tell you anything about what to expect this far along?”

Mikey guessed his version of a medical assessment in this case was running through every logical conclusion he could think of for whatever symptoms Mikey displayed, and this was him asking for details. 

It’s impossible to diagnose a non-physical (or mental) problem without actually analyzing the patient or having knowledge on the field the injury is from, but Donnie probably knew that from the beginning anyway. Donnie didn’t believe in the impossible when it came to a lot of things. Not in a “Believe in Yourself!” kind of way, but a “I can do that.” kind of way.

Mikey racked through his brain. Technically, yes, Draxum had told him about the healing process of his mystic injuries and what he would experience in the following months, even years. 

But all of that could be thrown out the window now that Mikey has completely ignored every single tip Draxum gave him in terms of not making it any worse.

So he made something up.

“He told me that my mystic powers need time to replenish, since I used a lot of energy when I made the portal. He said my scars may appear worse before they get better, because most of my energy is going into replenishing what mystic power I lost rather than healing the scars themselves over.”

That first part about needing to replenish was true. The rest of that was complete bullshit, though. The scars were likely permanent and would never fade. The only healing that needed to be done other than allowing himself to replenish his energy was the damage done to his nerves and muscles. 

One could heal itself within the next few months, one would take years.

Either way, they had no better source of information other than him, so they accepted his words.

Raph was still standing in the doorway, observing much more obviously from there ever since Mikey’s short outburst. “Maybe we could relax together, for today?”

That was an idea that Mikey really liked. Quality time with his brothers where he was all smiles would (hopefully) ease their worries much more than his words would. It is universally considered better to show than it is to tell in pretty much every context.

They set up in front of the projector with a bunch of pillows and blankets and bean bags to sleep in a Turtle Pile for the night. Mikey was instantly provided with their big bin of Jupiter Jim films to shuffle through and take his pick of what to watch. Raph and Leo ran off into the kitchen to grab a few snacks, while Donnie kept the youngest turtle company.

Had it been before the invasion, and before Shredder, Donnie would have been not very subtly trying to convince Mikey to pick his favorite movie (despite how much Mikey hated Jupiter Jim’s Pluto Vacation IV and would never pick it in his right mind).

Sitting there, staring into the bin blankly, he was acutely aware of the silence that surrounded him. There was no banter. No joking. No light-hearted discussions between him and his brother over which film in the entire Jupiter Jim Expanded Universe (JJEU) was the best.

No matter how much family he was surrounded by, the lair felt so empty at times. Even when he had someone sitting right next to him.

He missed when it was simpler. When he and his brothers could just be brothers, be teenagers, and every day didn’t have to be group therapy for all the shit that’s happened since the old lair was destroyed.

For a while, he was so caught up thinking about how it was dead quiet that he didn’t notice Donnie had started talking to him. “Huh?”

Donnie repeated what he said with no jab at how Mikey hadn’t been listening, as he would in most other cases. “I could make something for you, to make it more comfortable.”

“What do you mean?” The box turtle questioned.

“Like, compression gloves. Or something similar. They can help with shakiness and keeping your hands stable.”

Apparently, Mikey’s arms had been twitching all over the place while he was lost in thought. His right arm was hanging idly over the spines of the Jupiter Jim DVDs where he had previously been flicking through his options, his fingers unable to stay still.

“Oh, no, it’s alright.” Mikey smiled. “Thank you, but I think it’ll be fine. I’ve been using my hands fine so far!”

Donnie looked unconvinced, but didn’t push it.

Raph and Leo returned with fresh popcorn (microwaveable, because Mikey is very protective over his pans). 

To Leo’s dismay, Mikey had picked “Jupiter Jim and the Chains of Andromeda”. Leo had always much preferred the movie’s direct sequel “Jupiter Jim: Alpha Persei” and disliked the original for reasons Mikey didn’t understand and never cared to pay attention to because he liked the movie and Leo wasn’t going to ruin his fun.

An hour and 20 minutes later, they were discussing whether to play a game to end the night, considering it wasn’t very late and they weren’t feeling tired. 

Mikey was tired, actually. But that wasn’t really new. He never stopped being tired.

None of them were feeling up to moving to the game room just for a couple rounds of whatever they felt like, so they were arguing over what board game they should play.

Donnie decided to present his own suggestion after Leo and Raph had shot down each other’s ideas for ten minutes. “We could hypothetically run a DnD One-Shot. I still have a few prepared that I would like to-”

Leo interrupted him with a groan. “YOU are not running anything because you ALWAYS TPK and we don’t get past a single fight.”

“Maybe if you learned the game mechanics and built practical characters your attacks would be less futile.”

“Maybe you should try balancing.”

“Scoff!!” Donnie put his hand to his chest as if he had been greatly offended. “My fights are PERFECTLY balanced according to the intelligent mind, it’s not my fault you can’t do anything but metagame.”

Mikey wins the ‘satisfy everyone with one game’ contest by suggesting Catan, because no one wants to deny him.

Donnie usually won because he tries too hard, but Leo sometimes scrapes one out because he scams people in trades. Donnie won again. Mikey was surprised they didn’t just let him win, but maybe that would have been catering to him too obviously. 

They settled down for sleep after just a few games.

Mikey kept his eyes closed, but he wasn’t sleeping. He didn’t want anyone to check on him and notice, which would be especially easy since he always chose the center of the Turtle Pile. 

He felt so tired, but he couldn’t sleep. He was fighting with his brain to remember every detail of what he had planned on telling them. Every lie and half truth and omission of detail that he had crafted in April’s apartment to save him from having to deal with his own decisions.

He knew it all by heart by now, he’d repeated it over and over and over again in his mind and he could recite it all in front of a crowd of thousands without stuttering.

At least, if people he cared about weren’t a part of that crowd.

Still, repetition doesn’t do much in the way of battling sleep. In fact, it made him fall unconscious faster than he had in weeks. He had a dream for the first time in a while, as well. Of course it involved very worried brothers and everything going wrong, but at least he was prepared for the worst.

All he had to do now was rest up through the night and over explain like his life depended on it in the morning.

And to him, it did.

Chapter Text

Mikey hadn’t intended on sleeping in, but it was certainly a welcome surprise.

He woke up as anyone who sleeps longer than they planned on sleeping would; completely disoriented.

It shouldn’t have been such a shock, really. He’d been exhausted for ages, and he’d historically always found that he slept better around his brothers. Not only that, but of course no one would want to wake him.

Still, he didn’t feel well rested at all.

“Morning, Mike!” Leo called in from the doorway. 

Mikey looked up, the slider’s voice dragging his mind out of his drowsiness and making him pay more attention to his surroundings. Everyone seemed to have gotten up a while ago. Mikey usually slept on top of Raph’s shell when they decided on a Turtle Pile, and Mikey found himself sitting in a bean bag surrounded by the largest Squishmallows Raph owned. He was tucked in.

“Good morning.” Mikey replied, still rubbing sleep from his eyes. He sniffed the air and smelled food, and gave Leo a look that made the slider scramble to explain.

“No one cooked!” Leo reassured his little brother, having expected a tirade from the box turtle about not touching his precious ingredients (he made the shopping lists, after all). “We DoorDashed; got your usual.”

The blue-themed turtle held up a Dunkin bag and a latte. Before Mikey could move to stand and retrieve it, Leo had crossed the gap and handed it to him. 

They tried to limit DoorDashing things as much as they could. Not because it was expensive (though it was way overpriced), but because delivering to a sewer grate was rather suspicious.

Mikey always got a chocolate glazed donut when they ordered. He never really liked Dunkin food, but he got something anyway  for the sake of not having to make anything because even a passionate chef is allowed to not feel like cooking.

Leo turned and called “Mikey's up!” towards the door, and he heard shuffling from what he presumed to be the kitchen. He guessed they were going to eat there for the sake of not disturbing him. The ice in his drink was barely melted, so he assumed the food had gotten here not too long ago. Lucky him; he hated watery coffee.

They sat and ate together. Mikey stayed silent, though his brothers talked enough for him anyway. The box turtle was too busy looping his explanation in his mind. 

Of course, going over it all was unavoidable. 

They finished eating in what felt like just a couple minutes, but it was probably closer to a quarter of an hour. Raph took their trash and left for a short while, but returned quickly. 

Mikey felt his apprehension and anxiety crawl up his spine like a spider, creating a web between his vertebrae and lying in wait for what was to happen next. His entire body was tense, though he smiled (shyly, otherwise it’d look unnatural) and hoped to god that it wasn’t noticeable. 

They sat in incredibly awkward silence for some time.

Raph — very nervously — spoke up. “Now, Mikey, you don’t HAVE to tell us anything. We can’t force you to. But we’d really-”

Mikey interrupted, “No, you guys deserve the truth from me. I just…don’t know where to start.”

Donnie smiled at him. “We don’t need to go in any particular order, you can just talk about whatever you feel the need to.” Then he suggested, “if there’s a beginning you can think of, maybe we can start there.”

Right, that’d make the most sense. Of all the thinking Mikey had done about this, he never really considered where to start, only ways to save his ass from the situation he’d gotten himself in. It was hard for him to remember a lot of things now, but luckily the most clear point in his memory by far was the night where he started all of this, before his mind was fogged by his constant mystic use.

Mikey took a deep breath, steadying himself. He took a moment to ensure his feelings were under control. He didn’t want a repeat of a couple days ago.

He couldn’t avoid it, so there was no point in trying to. 

“I…so, the first time I snuck out. I didn’t really mean to freak you guys out. I- I never did.” Mikey began. “I just wanted to wander for a while to clear my head, since I wasn’t feeling well. It’s probably obvious to you,” he nodded his head at Raph directly, “but I freaked out over my scars.”

Despite not feeling nervous, his tongue repeatedly tied itself in knots every time he tried to speak. Though, in some way, that might be a good thing for him. It’s a very convincing performance of natural emotions that isn’t actually a performance at all.

“I’ve been avoiding talking about it — not because anything is wrong — I’ve just been dealing with it by not talking about it. O-or thinking about it much, really.”

Donnie, arms having been crossed, lifted a hand from where it rested in his elbow, as if requesting to talk. Mikey paused and looked at him expectantly. “Isn’t that a bad thing,  completely avoiding the topic and not processing it?”

Mikey shook his head. “It would be, but there’s other ways of dealing with emotions other than talking it out. Talking could help, but getting reminded of my scars just reminds me of the portal and the entire invasion, which is kind of a shock to me.”

He fiddled with his hands. “I’ve been trying to disconnect that association, and just getting my thoughts out through art. It’s easier for me to deal with things that way.” Mikey paused. “Getting some fresh air did help me clear my head, but…it wasn’t responsible. I’m sorry, I should have said something to you guys.”

Leo smiled softly. “It’s alright, that’s why we’re talking about it.”

Mikey smiled back, though not really in appreciation for the comfort as it would be assumed to be. He was happy they were believing him. 

He hadn’t touched a pencil in weeks. The lack of guilt made it much easier for him to lie, and he was thankful for that.

“I just didn’t want to upset you guys.” He further clarified. “I knew you were already worried, subway car doors aren’t exactly thin.” Each of his brothers had a slightly shameful look on their faces as they realized that they were not at all discreet when talking about Mikey’s initial freak-out.

“Uhm, the second time I snuck out, I wasn’t really heading to the Mystic Library for any real end goal.” Mikey quickly moved on, wanting to keep his train of thought speeding along the tracks before he inevitably derailed from the stress he was ignoring. “I just…I wanted to be somewhere that isn’t damaged or destroyed.”

He stopped simply fiddling with his hands and began to scratch at where his bandages ended by his wrist. He didn’t mean for this to be him fishing for sympathy, making them more likely to believe him. Honestly. It was just a habit of his, but he realized it would be read as rather telling body language. He stopped as soon as he realized. He was sure they caught onto it anyway.

“It was super dangerous, I know. I tried to dress a little differently to be safe, and I didn’t get caught. I did hurt my ankle, but that was from tripping on the stairs. I’m sorry I lied about that, too. I knew that you guys wouldn’t want me going there.”

Raph nodded. “No one saw you or anything?”

“Nope. At least, that I know of.” Mikey clarified. “I was hurrying to leave, just in case, and that’s when I tripped.”

Donnie leaned back, holding himself up with his arms behind him, his legs crossed in front of him. “What did you do while you were there?”

The box turtle shrugged. “Not much, really. I just wandered. I kept to the quieter places and read all the book spines to keep myself occupied. I don’t know how long I was there for, but it was close to morning when I left, and I was home before daylight.”

Mikey got the feeling that if anyone was skeptical, it was Donnie. He didn’t take offense to it, not that he was too concerned that the softshell was genuinely suspicious he was lying. It was just in his nature.

He was quiet for a few seconds, miming trying to remember where he was and what was next, even though he knew very well what the next step of his story was. “The other night, or I guess day, I was really caught off guard by you guys. I didn’t expect you to find out and approach me about it so suddenly, so I panicked. I’m sorry.”

Mikey could tell they all wanted to offer a few words of ‘It’s alright, we understand, blah blah comfort’ but he kept talking and didn’t offer anyone a chance to interject. 

“I went to April’s on purpose. For a while I did just run to get my mind off things, and I didn’t realize how long I was doing that. I just felt nice to run after so much time down here. It was irresponsible, I realize that, but it was oddly nice.”

It was anything but nice, and his legs were still sore. When he collapsed, he thought he might vomit from the ceaseless motion.

“It was when I noticed the rain starting to get bad that I decided to head over to April’s apartment, since I didn’t really feel ready to head home yet. I tripped,” he gestured to the scrapes on his legs, covered in bandages from April, “and it made me realize how sore I was. I thought I didn’t make it to April’s — the rain was so bad I hadn’t realized I was outside her apartment building.”

Mikey rested his hands on his shins, drawing his knees towards himself. He didn’t know how much April had told them, and he wouldn’t be surprised if she mentioned how he very obviously hadn’t recognized where he was, so he played it safe.

“I’ve been really reckless and dishonest and…I’m sorry. I didn’t want to freak you guys out, but I guess that’s all I did.” For once, something he said was entirely true.

He was thankful he knew his brothers so well, because he knew they believed him. Of course they would, they want to trust him, because “Why would Mikey lie?”

A lot of reasons, actually.

He was unsure whether he should be happy that they think that or not. It felt wrong to.

Caught up in his thoughts, he came back to reality to Raph hugging him, his other brothers joining. “Thank you, Mikey. Everything’s gonna be alright. We’re here for you.”

Raph leaned back and smiled at him, his snaggle tooth protruding forward obviously. “No more secrets?”

I’m sorry.

Mikey nodded. “No more secrets.”

I’m sorry.

The brothers split off a short time after that. They thought about hanging out for longer, but Mikey told them he wanted to relax on his own for a while, and left them to do whatever. He heard them arguing over whether to run that DnD session Donnie wanted as he left.

Getting up and walking about, alone with his thoughts, Mikey realized how much his legs hurt after all the damage they’d endured from his antics. Maybe he could really use that bed rest Leo recommended, although not for the same reasons.

He found his room in the exact state he left it in, except for one minor detail.

His phone had been moved. He kept it in the same place every single night, on the corner of his art desk, close to his hammock-bed. Now it sat in the middle of his desk. He didn’t remember moving it before he left. He never really touched it in the morning, except for when he turned his alarm off. 

Curious, he picked it up. He had a single notification: a missed call from Raph.

The sight of it immediately sent his mind into a spiral of the mess he had made, the mess he had just gotten himself out of.

The mind is a cruel thing.

--- 

He had just darted off out of his room, leaving his three brothers reeling in so much shock that they had barely noticed the orange blur running through their vision. Mikey had pushed past Raph to get through, knocking into the larger turtle’s plastron as he ran. 

Raph stepped back from the subway car, his mind not registering what was happening due to the panic he had been sent into upon seeing his youngest brother spiral into a panic attack in front of them. Guilt poured down his back. In a way, they had just chased him off.

Leo stumbled out of the room first, having the fastest reaction time out of the three. He hesitated for a moment, jumping back and forth on his feet for a second. Mikey had already disappeared from the lair.

‘Do we go after him? Would that make it worse?’

Those were the thoughts running through the two older brother’s minds, and while Raph decided on the latter, Leo ran forward. Maybe he could still catch him before he left the lair; before he endangered himself by going topside in broad daylight. 

Donnie still crouched on the floor where he had previously been by Mikey’s side. He pulled up his trackers on his wristpad — Mikey was already outside of the sewers, a few strides out of the closest sewer grate to the lair. 

‘Where is he going? Does he have a plan?’

Immediately, the answer was clear to the softshell: no. Of course he doesn’t, he was hyperventilating like he’d been held under water for ten minutes before he’d gotten up and ran. He was running on pure adrenaline, not rational thought.

Leo stumbled back down the hall towards them, much slower than he was when he’d departed. He wasn’t supposed to be active on his leg yet, but he’d just completely thrown that out the window and potentially set back his progress from physical therapy. 

As the other two would already know, he had no luck. Mikey was long gone by the time he reached the exit of the lair.

Raph fumbled with his phone, navigating through his contacts until he reached his little brother’s number. A ringtone echoed through the silence. Donnie, the only one still in Mikey’s room, stood up and retrieved the box turtle’s phone. He’d left it. They had no way of reaching him. 

He told his older brothers and discarded it on the center of Mikey’s desk. “Call Cassandra and Casey,” he instructed Raph and Leo respectively, “Let them know to look out for him.” Donnie was already calling April. 

Leo winced as he put weight on his bad leg. “Shouldn’t we go after him?”

Donnie responded in hurried words, waiting for April to pick up. “That’d only make it worse. He’s running from us already.”

The statement made them each confront a fact they didn’t want to think about: their brother had run from them. They scared him— jumped something on him that he wasn’t ready for, and it chased him away. They’d made whatever was going on with him worse.

They called the humans they were closest with, hoping that if they were lucky they’d have already seen him, but that was wishful thinking. 

They heard no word of him.

They settled to eat dinner together, a first in a long time. He’d run off that morning, but they hadn’t heard anything of him. No one had seen him, but he’d never stopped moving according to Donnie’s tracker.

The softshell had eventually turned off his wrist pad by Raph’s instruction. Starring at Mikey’s location incessantly when he showed no signs of coming home anytime soon would only drive him crazy. Raph convinced him that if Mikey was in any danger, he’d set off his distress signal. Donnie checked for alerts constantly as they ate.

Leo peeked at his phone for any texts, but was met with a flash flood weather warning. “It’s getting bad out there.”

Donnie took the opportunity to check on Mikey’s location. “He’s not stopping.”

The slider looked at his twin with apprehension. “You’re certain we shouldn’t go after him?”

Raph responded before Donnie could. “What good would that do? We’d chase him off again.”

The table went silent. 

They hadn’t told Splinter; they had never informed him of anything relating to Mikey running away, not one instance of it. They didn’t know what to tell him, nor how he would react.

It was late into the night when April informed them Mikey was alright. They’d resigned to bed by that point, each struggling to sleep in their own rooms. Raph saw the message first and practically crashed through his door to tell his brothers the news — Mikey was safe in their sister’s hands, but he’d be staying there a night or two.

The next day was full of discussion over what to do next. What to say to him, how to handle it better so they didn’t send him spiraling into a panic once again. They wanted to handle it much more delicately than they had before.

They would be just as ready for the day Mikey came home as the box turtle himself would be. 

They made sure of it.

---

He’d lost track of time spiraling over the possibilities of how his brothers had reacted to his poor decisions. He was sure that it was well into the night by then. He was anything but comfortable in his own bed after his time away.

He was such a reckless, inconsiderate, idiotic asshole. 

All the effort he put into guarding his own shit from his brothers, preventing them from incessantly worrying over his problems and being terrified over his safety — for what? He couldn’t even get that right with all the mystic ability he supposedly had. 

All he did was make things worse and worse, and yet he never once considered stopping. He couldn’t. He feared what would happen if he did much more than he feared what would happen if he continued on as he was.

Their worry would pass. So would his anxiety and shaking arms and inability to do any of the things he enjoys. Then he could relax. He could slow down on his mystic usage as his brothers grew more comfortable with the way things were and he’d be able to return to the normalcy he craved.

He just needed to bide his time and stop fucking up.

He’d been overly tired for so long, yet sleep still escaped him.

Chapter Text

Mikey sat in complete silence, barely being able to tell the difference between his eyes being closed or open. His alarm went off, yet he did not react; he leaned over the edge of his hammock-bed and shut it off. He had been awake for quite some time already. It was hard for him to sleep at all with his hands shaking wildly.

It had been three days since he had ‘confessed’ much of what he had been doing to his brothers. 

Of course, he could barely call it a confession. He hadn’t really told them anything truthful at all. They still had no idea what he had been up to, and he wanted to keep it that way. Which was precisely the reason he had barely seen them at all in the time that had passed.

He didn’t leave his room much. He would get up in the morning and make them breakfast, eat whatever he had the appetite for (which wasn’t very much), and return to his subway car thereafter. He didn’t sleep much either, despite the fact that he was constantly exhausted. 

It was getting worse. The simplicity of that was generalizing, but it was entirely accurate; everything was getting worse.

His hands burned constantly. They didn’t simply light up anymore, instead they consistently glowed and emitted a burning sensation from his fingertips to his shoulders. His hands hurt the worst; a constant pins-and-needles tingling that made it hard for Mikey to use them at all. 

He was in pain, but he didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. He still didn’t want them to worry for him. He’d done enough damage from that already and he refused to even risk making it worse.

Mikey sat up, turning and hopping out of his hammock-bed. His arms hung limply at his sides, staying completely still as walked to the kitchen. He didn’t use them unless he absolutely needed to. At all other times they were completely limp. It eased the pain, if only slightly. Anything was better than nothing.

He had started getting up much earlier to make breakfast. The morning after their conversation, Raph had attempted to sit with Mikey as he cooked for everyone — just like he had before the invasion. That night, he set his morning alarm 45 minutes earlier.

He felt bad avoiding him, he didn’t want to avoid him; but he did anyway. Mikey didn’t know what made him do it. Something in his mind drove him away from everything and everyone. He felt completely alone, yet part of him preferred that.

His new routine was much simpler than it had been: get up, make breakfast, eat what he could stomach (which wasn’t much), and sit in his room until he had to leave again. He didn’t go around and wake everyone anymore. He left their plates at their usual spots and left before anyone would be awake to see him.

It was wrong and he knew it was. It was hurting his brothers and himself, and that’s all it did. Never seeing them didn’t help him in any tangible way. He thought it made things easier, but when he racked his brain to come up with any evidence for that, he came up with nothing. In fact, he only had examples to the contrary.

He missed them, and he knew they missed him, but he couldn’t bear to look at them. Guilt consumed everything he did, and he feared that they would see through everything if they gazed into his eyes.

He didn’t know what kept him going at that point, but he was probably only able to keep himself standing because he couldn’t feel the full effects of anything. He was sure that the pain of his overused mystics was far worse than what he could perceive. He was sure that if he allowed himself to feel it all, he’d be unable to stand whatsoever.

He slowly found his way to the kitchen, keeping the lights low as he searched the fridge for something to make. Even just opening the fridge made his eyes hurt, the bright white light of the appliance burning into his retinas. Any sensory input seemed to completely overwhelm him.

He had been choosing quick and easy options for breakfast. Luckily, with the shopping trip he and April had, the lair was stocked with enough that Mikey wouldn’t have to get more supplies for quite a while. They had an excess of eggs and plenty of bread, so he decided on french toast. 

As the bread soaked he searched through their cupboards for a suitable pan. He found one in a stack of several pans, but when he reached to lift the smaller pan on top of it in order to free what he needed, he found he couldn’t lift it. It was the smallest pan they owned, the base of it about as large as his entire hand with his fingers spread apart.

It felt like he was lifting a 15 pound weight, his hand struggling to move it with what felt like a flimsy and thin handle in comparison for what he was trying to lift.

He had to use his other hand to help anchor it up and off the stack, and could only barely hold the pan he had been trying to reach. His hands shook wildly and ached at the effort it took to lift the object.

Mikey tried to cook anyway. He placed the pan on the stove, struggling not to drop it in the process and cause too much noise, and turned up the heat. It felt like he was sleep walking; going through the motions of the things he was used to doing. Despite that, his mind was bogged down with such a haze that it seemed to him he hadn’t slept at all in a month.

When it came time to flip the toast, his hands were too unstable. His eyes couldn’t focus properly; but it seemed that even if they could his hands would still be a complete blur. He physically couldn’t grip the spatula, and when he did manage to after some time, every piece in the pan had been burned.

I can’t do it. The thought crossed through his mind quietly. I can’t make anything. I can’t even hold a pan.

Is this how bad it’s gotten?

That was alright. He could do something easier and just eat what he had burned. He decided he couldn’t just tell them to make something for themselves, his hands were too shaky to leave a note; not to mention how much that would worry them. 

Luckily they had plenty of yogurt in the fridge. It wouldn’t take him too much effort to throw some bowls together for them. Chocolate chips for Leo, granola for Donnie, plenty of fruits for Raph. He left their meals in their respective spots at the table.

Mikey had just enough time to eat in the kitchen before everyone would wake up. He barely had the energy to eat much, which felt strange to think about. He managed to scarf down what he had burned before quickly eating a small bowl of yogurt completely plain, not bothering with the extra toppings he would usually add, and promptly returned to his room before anyone would wake.

The small amount of light from the hall disappeared as he shut his room’s sliding door, locking it behind him. His room was almost completely pitch black; having lights on hurt his eyes. The only source of light in the room was his own scars. The light was now visible through both the bandages and his hamato wraps, no matter how much he tried to layer them.

He wasn’t too concerned about it. He was incredibly used to the light’s presence by then. It was a funny thing, really. The very thought of that light used to send him spiraling, but now it was as normal as the spots on his skin; a part of him.

He sat on the floor of his room, his back leaning against his door. He didn’t want to lay down in his hammock-bed, it made him more tired and he could never sleep very well anyway.

He listens to his brothers as they wake up. Raph wakes first, Mikey can always tell by his heavy footsteps, and now he was the one to retrieve the other two brothers. First he went to Leo’s room, then to Donnie’s. All three of them went to the kitchen and ate together, and the order of their departure was the exact opposite of how they woke up: Donnie, Leo, then Raph.

He knew they probably talked about him. He wasn’t sure what else would be on their minds, considering they hadn’t really seen him in three days.

When Raph left the kitchen, his footsteps stopped right by Mikey’s door. Mikey waited, and before long he heard a knock. Mikey looked up at his ceiling, the back of his head resting on the door. “Yes?” His voice cracked slightly due to his lack of speaking the past couple of days. He hoped it was too noticeable, but a rational side of him knew that it definitely was.

“Hey buddy, it’s me,” his oldest brother replied, “how are you feeling?”

Mikey didn’t try to put much emotion in his voice, it took too much effort to do so. Luckily his perpetual exhaustion was present enough in his voice that it wasn’t a problem. “I feel alright.”

“How’s your leg?” The snapping turtle asked in a soft voice.

Mikey rubbed his hand over his knee pad, his eyelids too heavy to keep open. He wished he could just fall asleep there, but he knew he wouldn’t. “It’s fine.”

There was a long pause before Raph spoke again. “...do you want to maybe do something with me today? We can hang out topside, maybe visit TeddyTown.”

The box turtle’s brain was slow to process the words; he felt as if his brain was melting inside his skull. After a short while, he found his voice and answered in a flat tone. “No thanks.”

Usually Mikey hated the quiet, but now he spent most of his time sitting in silence. He didn’t react when Raph went silent, hesitating to speak for minutes at a time. He never once spoke up without Raph saying something first. He didn’t even feel the urge to.

“Mike, I’m worried about you.” He said. “I want to make sure you’re alright.” He attempts to say more, but stutters too much and gives up.

“I’m just tired.” Technically, he was telling the truth this time.

“Can we please talk? Without the door?” His oldest brother asked, and Mikey could hear the slightest bit of desperation for something. Mikey couldn’t tell if it was to see him, to get anything other than apathy from him, or something much more depressing. 

The box turtle only assumed it was that last one, and couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he just wanted to see if Mikey even cared about him anymore at all. He certainly wasn’t acting like it.

Mikey buried his head in his arms. Thinking at all hurt in every way, but he didn’t even notice. He was just tired. “Maybe after I sleep.”

“..okay.” Raph lingered for a moment before slowly walking away, off towards his room from what Mikey could hear. His steps were slow, and Mikey could have sworn he stopped again a few paces away from the box turtle’s door, before willing himself to keep moving.

Mikey was lying again. He was lying because he wasn’t going to talk to him and wasn’t going to sleep either. He thought he should feel more guilty about lying, but he didn’t have a reaction to it.

He sat for a while longer and stared at the wall. He didn’t have the energy to move. He didn’t have the energy to do anything anymore.

What was the point of the routine he kept them all in? It had fallen apart entirely anyway. No longer did he try to keep up some facade of him having no problems, nor did he try to work through things with them anymore. He could barely call it a routine at all. All he did was wake, make breakfast, and leave. He didn’t even bother to wake them like he used to. He didn’t want them to see him.

Mikey didn’t know what he was doing.

He didn’t know what he was doing now, he barely remembered what he was doing before, and god knows what he was going to do next.

So he didn’t do anything, really. Not in any sense. He sat and stared at nothing, thought about nothing, and felt nothing. He felt no boredom, no want to do anything else, and he felt no disappointment in himself for the way he allowed his body and mind to waste away.

This had become rather normal — he didn’t have anything to do or anything to plan for, so he just sat and did nothing. For the entire day he remained there, completely unmoving.

Occasionally he would pay attention to things going on outside, when people would walk by or talk in the distance. He could never really hear the words being said or make out who was saying them, as if they were being careful. They always spoke in hushed tones. 

He knew why and what they were talking about based on that alone, but he didn’t pay it much mind. There was nothing he could do, after all; nor was there anything he had the energy to do about it. He’d probably only end up making it worse. Recently, he’d had a way of doing that any time he tried.

It became easy to tell when night had fallen, after a while. He never really checked his phone much when he sat there (the light was too much for him no matter how far down his brightness was) so he ended up guessing the time based on the activity outside. Eventually, when it had been so long and so quiet that he decided it must be night, he finally got up.

He struggled to. His arms were practically useless; applying any pressure to them in order to stabilize himself or lift off of the ground resulted in nothing but pain and extreme tremors. His legs wobbled and his joints popped from the lack of use, and his two initial attempts to rise led to him falling back to the ground again.

He used his legs to push his shell against the door and leverage himself to his feet. He stumbled a little, but recovered and made his way to his bed through the darkness of his room. He was lucky he didn’t trip on anything while doing so.

He felt a twinge of nausea as he climbed into his hammock-bed from the slight swaying of the orange fabric. He used to love that aspect; rocking back and forth as he scrolled on his phone or played on his Switch. The methodical movement was comforting, but now the slightest movement made him sick — not only that, the slightest feeling made him sick. It was strange to think he was just so unused to it that it made him nauseous. 

He double checked his alarm was on (even though he never turned it off) before setting it to the side and leaning back. He pulled his blanket up to below his shoulders, and he could still see the faint orange light glowing beneath the fabric.

He stayed awake. He didn’t really expect to fall asleep; it’s not like he wasn’t trying to sleep, but he rarely did. It took him hours to finally get some rest, though by that point he would only get a couple hours of sleep at most before he had to wake up in the morning. It probably added to his physical exhaustion significantly, but he was so tired already he didn’t think he’d be able to notice.

He usually completely disassociated during this. He didn’t have anything to do. He didn’t have anything he wanted to think about. He just let the time pass by. 

He wasn't sure how much time passed, maybe an hour, before his door suddenly rattled. He sat up and turned his head, watching in silence as it perked to the side as if someone was trying to open it.

One of his brothers must have come to try and check on him. That felt odd to him; he didn't think they'd try to do that in the middle of the night, considering how much they wanted him to rest. He thought it strange someone would risk waking him if he was sleeping.

It was sort of reasonable. Maybe Raph had gotten anxious when trying to fall asleep — that happened pretty frequently. It had been quite a while, but with the current circumstances he fully expected it.

After one last attempt to push the door open, everything fell silent. Briefly, Mikey was thankful he had the foresight to lock it. He began to lay back down.

Clack.

He stopped dead.

The clack of nails on the lair floor, footsteps similar to that of a dog, gradually got quieter. It was Splinter. It’d been so long since Mikey was awake for one of his father’s night visits to his room, but now he’d lost the opportunity to. He didn’t even know he’d missed it.

He didn’t move for a long time. It took him far too long to realize that, at some point, a few tears had fallen from his eyes. His mask was almost completely dry by the time he had noticed.

Well, there was nothing he could do anyway. He laid down and turned over to face away from the door. He couldn’t tell the difference between his eyes being open and shut.

The only thing he felt was the slight cold on his skin.