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Chapter Text

1. Medical Knowledge

After finding out Dazai is far more skilled than he led them to believe - which was already surprising enough, given how Dazai was already maybe one of their most skilled members barring Kunikida - the Armed Detective Agency were determined to find out what else their mysterious colleague had up his sleeve. They knew better than to try and go behind his back to find out, since he always figured them out early on, so they just outright told him they would be observing him extra closely for a while so he doesn't freak out or something. Dazai, still exhausted from the week he'd spent with Nakahara, only arched an eyebrow but otherwise let them be.

It wasn't like he was actively hiding his skills. It just never came up.

For instance, no one ever asked why he so rarely went to Yosano for treatment despite seeing him get tossed around or manhandled by the latest enemy. Yosano had even only found out about his knife wound from the Dead Apple incident by accident. He'd been teasing Kunikida, as usual, when the blond had grabbed him and started shaking him, also as usual, only Dazai's stitches hadn't even settled yet before he was being jostled so of course they reopened and blood seeped through his clothes. (An unfortunate side-effect of no longer wearing black.) Yosano scolded them both then outright gushed at the clean stitches she found when she dragged him into the infirmary. She hadn't even asked, so of course Dazai didn't say anything.

After the incident at the firing range, though, and with everyone studying every move Dazai makes, it was inevitable they'd one day watch him get injured on a mission.

It was another knife wound. Dazai had taken it to protect some kidnapped boy they'd been tasked with finding and rescuing from his psycho, Ability user girlfriend. The knife had nothing to do with her Ability, she could actually control electricity or something, but she'd gotten desperate when she realized she was no match for the Agency and so she'd tried to kill her boyfriend in a 'if I can't have him, no one can' move. Dazai had seen the move from a mile away and had bolted forward, just barely throwing himself in the way. Kunikida and Kyouka, his partners for the mission, called out his name in worry, but Dazai already had the knife wrenched out of the girl's hands and was applying pressure to a specific bundle of nerves and muscles at the base of her neck that caused her to go limp. She wasn't unconscious, but Dazai dealt with that a second later.

As a seasoned (ex) mafioso, he always carried a handkerchief and some chloroform on him in case he needed to gently knock someone out. With the girl no longer being a danger to them, Dazai first turned to check over the victim, even as Kunikida tried to fuss over his wound.

The brunet just waved him off. "This is basically just a scratch, relax, Kunikida-kun. I've fought entire enemy organizations with far worse."

"That's not helping, Dazai!" But anything else Kunikida could have yelled at him was shushed by the brunet.

"He seems to have a concussion; you yelling won't help him. Now shut up and make me a small flashlight."

"Here, I have one," Kyouka offered, handing him the light. He thanked her before expertly moving it from one eye to the other, asking the teen questions as he determined his level of awareness and how he responded to stimuli.

"It seems that she didn't hit him hard enough when knocking him out to crack his skull, thankfully," Dazai commented as he pressed around at the back of the boy's head, shushing him gently each time he whimpered from the pain. "He will need stitches, though. Probably no more than three. His metacarpals on his right hand also seem broken, but I don't feel confident enough to bind them with anything we have here, it might just hinder further procedures. Also it seems his right radius is fractured. He's suffering from malnutrition and bordering on an overdose of sleeping pills besides. He'll need to go to the hospital for that, especially with the concussion in the mix. Other than that, I think he should be fine. He doesn't seem to have any broken ribs, which would have really made things bad in regards to moving him without a stretcher. Stitching him up in this lighting, however, is a no go. We should just bring him back to the Agency or straight to a hospital-"

The boy latched onto Dazai with a frenzied, terrified look on his face at the prospect of being separated from Dazai at the moment.

The genius changed his statement immediately. "Agency it is, then. Then when his parents come, they can decide where they want to go after their reunion. That okay?" The boy nodded and immediately regretted it with the concussion messing him up. "Right. Kunikida-kun, you get the girl. Kyouka-chan-"

"I've already contacted the police."

And so, they dragged the two teenagers - around sixteen years old, the both of them - back to the Agency where the boy finally let go of Dazai in order to fling himself into his parents' arms even as Yosano dragged them all into her infirmary. The authorities came to pick up the girlfriend and asked some questions regarding their report but Kunikida attended to that, leaving Dazai more or less to his own devices.

He was just lucky his knife wound was in a place he can easily reach so he didn't need much help when he just cut up the area around it on his pants at his thigh and immediately started cleaning the wound. A short inspection told him it wasn't too deep but stitches would still be recommended for proper recovery, so he got down to that with the mini first aid kit he stored in his coat. He was well aware of the eyes on him as he swiftly and efficiently pulled the thread through the meat of his thigh, not once wincing in pain. His tolerance was much too high for something as silly as this to affect him greatly.

"Knowing how to stitch wounds might be vital in this line of business, Atsushi-kun," he told his protege, who jumped in surprise at being so suddenly addressed. "Yosano-sensei won't always be readily available, after all. Knowing how to keep yourself alive until she gets there is important. Though, I suppose that's not much of an issue for you, but the skill would still be of use to your comrades."

"Dazai-san was able to give a detailed diagnosis, though," Kyouka said pointedly, asking without asking, and Dazai decided to oblige.

"Before Mori-san managed to become the Boss of the Port Mafia, we stayed a few weeks in his old underground clinic. Sometimes it would get so overcrowded with patients that he needed assistance. I learned fast, so he continued teaching me. Most of my medical knowledge was later transferred to torture and interrogation lessons, as well as taking care of Chuuya post-Corruption. I know how to treat just about any battle injury with just about any resources at hand, but if someone is near death, I'm not skilled enough to keep them alive for long. I can, however, identify over 50 different poisons, 17 types of overdoses and at least 27 ways of traceless murders without a laboratory examination. I'm also unfairly well trained to use most medical tools. Scalpels are basically extensions of my fingers at this point and I can stitch a wound close in under a minute in pitch black darkness."

"Maybe we should team up and teach everyone at least basic battlefield first aid, Dazai," Yosano commented as she left the infirmary often doubling as her office, checking over Dazai's work and humming in satisfaction. "The kid should be alright. I used my Ability on him and he's going to the hospital for the concussion and the sleeping pills neigh on overdose. Good work out there, the three of you, especially you, Dazai. I had no idea I had a fellow medic?"

"If you know how to take someone apart, technically, you know how to put them back together," was all he said and they shared a grim look.

After that, no one was really surprised when Dazai did first aid on a battlefield before Yosano could get there to heal them. Dazai kept them from crossing over the threshold of death and Yosano yanked them back from it.

They made a pretty good team in that manner.

Chapter Text

2. Make-up

"I just want it noted down," Yosano said with a severe scowl on her face. "That I do not approve."

"It's the only way," Ranpo countered even as they all stared at the make-up set in front of them. They were going to a masquerade party organized by a politician who'd hired them for security detail as he'd been getting threats to his family from an out-of-town yakuza and so they - Yosano, Kyouka and a volunteer Naomi - had to dress up and infiltrate the party as guests. For security reasons, outright masks are forbidden, but the guests are still expected to not be outright obvious with their identity. However, no matter how well Yosano, Naomi or the other clerks knew how to apply make-up for casual or fancy, they did not know how to do 'Halloween' make-up.

"Ranpo, I love ya, I really do, you're my bestie, my ride and die, but this isn't going to work and I will not paint something horrendous on my face."

Dazai popped his head into the room the girls had taken to change into their nightgowns. "If you want, I can do it."

"Dazai-san, I didn't know you even knew how lipstick works," Naomi shamelessly stated and Dazai sweatdropped at her honesty.

"Well, for your information, Chuuya and I had to do one too many missions like this and we often had to mask our faces in subtle ways. It started off with Ane-san's girls doing it for us but after, like, the third time, Chuuya felt bad for 'intruding on them'," he said with sarcastic air quotes. "So he dragged me to lessons until we could pretty much do it all. I think we could get a pretty good job in Hollywood if anyone ever saw our work."

"Do you have an example?" The student asked excitedly and Dazai grinned at her as he took out his phone, fiddled with it before opening a specific picture. He showed it to her and she gasped in delight. "Dazai-san, this looks amazing! This girl is so lucky, I'd die to have make-up like this for my graduation."

"That's Chuuya, actually."

Naomi's jaw dropped. "What!?" At that, Yosano, Ranpo and Kyouka walked over to see the picture, too, and besides the detective, they would have never thought that the blond in the picture was Nakahara Chuuya. Not only were his eyes surrounded by a mask shaped and colored like a beautiful, incredibly realistic blue butterfly that perfectly matched his blue eyes with miniature blue butterflies seemingly flying towards the mask up the side of his face and over his cheek, but his facial structure looked completely different. His high cheekbones were masked and his face was made to look rounder and softer. His lips also looked bigger. With the blond wig, it was almost impossible to identify him as a man, let alone Port Mafia's infamous gravity manipulator.

"You did this?" The doctor asked, unable to believe her eyes.

Dazai shrugged. "Yup. Though that's just my best work. Depending on the time, make-up quality and, well, purpose, I can make something similar, if you want."

Yosano was already pulling up a picture of her favorite butterfly species, happy it also coincidentally matched colors with the dress she chose. "Go wild."

"Can I be a bunny?" Kyouka asked and Dazai nodded, already humming as he studied the butterfly Yosano had chosen before rearranging the make-up as he needed it.

"Sure, Kyouka-chan! I think you'll be an adorable bunny~ And you, Naomi-chan? What would you like?"

"Ooh, something that looks like a traditional, porcelain fox mask!"

"You got it~ How much time do we have, though? Because I'll need, like, forty five minutes for Yosano-sensei alone."

"Only forty five minutes?"

"I'm a bit rusty, okay?"

"You used to be faster!?"

"Let's just say that I'm very good with my hands."

Naomi looked at the clock. "But we only have two and a half hours until we need to go ... "

"Naomi-chan, watch what I do for Yosano-sensei's foundation colors and do that over three quarters of your face with white foundation. Lay it on thick but not so much that it starts falling off. That'll shorten my workload when I get to you. Kyouka-chan, we'll be playing operation: I'm the 'doctor', you're the 'nurse', got it?"

"Understood," Kyouka replied and that's how the whole ordeal began, Kyouka assisting Dazai by bringing him anything he asked for and Naomi occasionally asking if she was doing well. Yosano just stayed still and hoped she wasn't making a mistake by trusting Dazai with this. In the allotted time Dazai worked, the others checked in on them and Kunikida nearly had an aneurysm when he saw what his work partner was doing. Dazai gave him a wink to further mess with him as he finished up Yosano's make-up with a touch of glitter.

"There! That should do it," he said, stepping back to examine his work with a critical eye. "Not entirely my best work, but good enough no one will question whether a professional did it."

"Dazai-san, it looks amazing!" Naomi squealed. "I can't wait to get my done!"

"Well, take a seat, mademoiselle," Dazai said with a dramatic wave towards the seat, smiling at the girl's eagerness.

"Damn, Dazai, I'll start barging into your dorm every morning for you to do my make-up. If this is what you can do with limited time, I think you're in the wrong profession."

"I'm always in the wrong profession, Yosano-sensei," he said self-deprecatingly, well aware where his truest talents lie.

He also didn't correct her about whether she could find his residence in the dorm room under his name these days.

Thankfully, Ranpo didn't rat him out, either.

He'll have to get him some sweets later.

For now, he had some make-up to do.

Chapter Text

3. Functioning In Heels And Long Dresses

In a strange stroke of fate, the Agency and the Mafia had to team up for an undercover infiltration mission not a whole week later, only this time, there was no need for such elaborate make-up even if they still needed to dress up. This time, they had a much more direct target, as the Mafia had discovered a trio of bombers intended to blow up the city hall during a charity fundraiser art exhibition.

After some digging and deductions done by Dazai and Ranpo, they came to the conclusion that their best opening would be to seduce one of the members and lead him away from the main event, so they can interrogate him about his buddies' and the bombs' whereabouts.

Normally, one of the girls, most likely Kouyou given the interrogation part, would be assigned that part of the mission.

This time, though, the lucky 'girl' who got the assignment was none other than Dazai, since, apparently, the guy liked them tall tall. Dazai didn't even protest, just sighed and accepted his fate.

Of course, the Agency learned why when Dazai finally reappeared in a gorgeous dress nearly the exact shade of glacial blue as No Longer Human, on eight inch heels and rocking a wig as brown and as curly as his own hair, Chuuya in tow with a practically professional make-up kit in hand. Dazai's arms were covered in sparkly sleeves to replace his bandages, he had Chuuya's black leather choker covering his Adam's apple and the scars usually hidden by his bandages to match his black heels and the black fur shawl hiding the broadness of his shoulders under all that soft chinchilla fur. Needless to say, he looked nothing like the Dazai they knew. In fact, one might even confuse him for a model or a movie star.

"Okay, I want that dress," Yosano said, eyeing him up as he and Chuuya set up to do Dazai's make-up.

"Fuck no, sorry not sorry," Chuuya retorted immediately. "Do you have any idea how much money I paid for this thing?! I'd rather eat my own hat than let anyone take it."

"Wait, you bought that dress!?" Kunikida asked and Dazai, Chuuya and Kouyou all looked affronted, scandalized and incredulous.

"He had it made," the oldest Executive corrected in a way that suggested she was speaking to a particularly dimwitted pet. "Do you honestly expect a store-bought dress to fit so perfectly?"

"Honestly, Kunikida-kun. You're embarrassing me~"

"You're the one who exchanged Chuuya-san for that," Gin muttered and Kouyou nodded approvingly at the comment. Kunikida would just like it to be noted that he was extremely offended by that, but then Akutagawa appeared to drag him out of the changing rooms so the girls - and Dazai - could continue getting ready in peace.

Later, when they all stepped out, they had the boys' jaws dropping from how beautiful they looked. Chuuya stood to the side, proud of his handiwork with the make-up and even hairdos. Dazai certainly got the biggest reaction, which made sense given his transformation. The wolf whistle from Tachihara was not appreciated by Chuuya nor Gin. Dazai just laughed it off and did a little twirl to show off Soukoku's hard work. The others did, too, the girls all practically glowing. Dazai, Chuuya and Kouyou preened at the compliments, since Kouyou had helped and even did everyone's hair. The guys other than Dazai - and, of course, the ever fashionable Chuuya - had also cleaned up nicely, being the active backup mostly.

"Okay, everyone pair up and let's head out," Kouyou instructed and the pairs were mostly male-female, with the exception of Soukoku, of course. Kouyou teetered amusedly at how stiff Kunikida was while escorting her to the awaiting cars.

They all arrived to the event easily and peacefully, they had no trouble getting in and they easily blended into the crowd. After some mingling, they finally tracked down the member Dazai was meant to seduce and Soukoku parted ways with Chuuya keeping a sharp eye on his partner. Not because he doubted Dazai's capabilities, because he knew perhaps better than anyone else just what Dazai was capable of, but also because he's the brunet's main backup should anything happen that was possibly out of Dazai's control.

And something did.

Ranpo had managed to identify another one of the bombers and Kouyou had managed to make him squeal. Within minutes, Chuuya had to leave his station to an unsuspecting Ranpo because, apparently, a whole bunch of high grade bombs was attached to random chairs, tables, cars outside and even a couple of benches and they needed Chuuya to yeet them up into the atmosphere with his Ability. Or at least just high enough that the explosion won't cause harm.

Needless to say, Ranpo was not comfortable with having to watch Dazai's back when his fellow genius was expecting the embodiment of a natural disaster to come at his beck and call.

The ginger just rolled his eyes at him. "Just watch for a signal and if you think he's in trouble, use the comms. I'll be there to save his princess cosplaying ass." And with that, Chuuya was off, leaving a squeaking detective behind.

"But I don't use the comm unit!" It went unheeded and as if the universe hated Ranpo, that's when he noticed Dazai leading the original target away while waving some sort of signal to Ranpo. The genius fiddled with his glasses to use his 'Ability' and gasped when he realized Dazai was asking for backup because he'd noticed the final bomber following after them.

And he seemed to be armed, wearing a bomb vest under his cheap jacket and was an Ability user.

Ranpo quickly fired off a text to Yosano, hoping she'll get the message to anyone - while we're on that, why were't Atsushi and Akutagawa on this guy's ass, as they were supposed to be? - with an Ability, preferably Mr Fancy Hat or Kunikida, before following. If nothing else, he can keep an eye on his fellow genius.

"Are you being serious right now?" One of the bombers asked. "You can't help but think with your fucking dick in the middle of an operation?"

"Hey, I'll be happy to share," whined the other and Ranpo clenched his jaw at the implication. "Come on, you know you want to~ Look at how hot she is! I bet she's a real slut, too-"

The detective walked out from behind his hiding spot - just a corner of the hallway, really - doing his best to act drunk as he teetered on his feed. "Heeey *hic* Do ya blokes know where t-the *hic* the loon is? I reeeeaaally need to goooooo *hic*"

"Great! Now we have two witnesses!" The more sensible, serious bomber exclaimed but the horny one wasn't worried. Practically throwing Dazai into his friend's arms, he started walking towards Ranpo as he took out a silencer.

"Don't worry. I'll deal with him real quick, then we can have some fun and then we can blow this joint sky high," he reassured but made a frustrated noise when he couldn't find his gun. "The hell?"

The click of a safety coming off caused him to whirl around, only to see Dazai standing there with a gun steadily pointed right at his head, his buddy unconscious at Dazai's heels. "I'm afraid I can't let you hurt Ranpo-san. Who else will I go on genius tangents with?" It was said still in the upper pitch Dazai had chosen for this female persona he was disguised as. It was a very good imitation of an actual voice, very convincing, as expected of Dazai. The man's acting prowess is one no one could deny.

"You bitch! You really think you can defeat me?" The bomber challenged cockily, activating his Ability that made the silencer float. "Go on and try it!"

Dazai's eyes narrowed and he did, firing three shots as he lunged forward, running effortlessly on those thin heels, rushing the man. The man didn't bother dodging the bullets, instead seemingly catching them midair with his Ability. Ranpo quickly deduced that his Ability created a highly concentrated magnetic field around his body but the range didn't seem great, nor did the Ability seem as versatile as Mr Fancy Hat's. Still, he could throw the bullets and the silencer at Dazai fast enough that they'd be deadly. Only Dazai seems to have predicted this and practically performed a perfect slut drop, all without ripping his dress, using his earlier momentum to slide across the ground until he was behind the magnet guy and in front of Ranpo. The guy just barely managed to turn around as Dazai threw the gun - with the safety on, as Dazai wasn't stupid to risk it accidentally going off and accidentally killing or injuring someone - at Ranpo and switched to a knife he seems to have pulled out from underneath the skirt of his gown.

The bomber laughed. "You think my Ability won't affect a close range weapon? Think again!" And maybe his arrogance would have been approved, if only his opponent wasn't the only true nullifier in the world. No Longer Human lit up on Dazai's body the second he entered the range of the Ability and the magnetic field immediately turned off. In a second, Dazai had kneed the guy in the groin and had him on the ground, hands behind his back and a knife held to his throat.

"Ranpo-san, do you happen to have handcuffs on you?" Dazai asked in his normal voice.

"Nope, sorry," he replied, trying not to wonder why he was surprised Dazai knew how to fight in heels this well. Or even knew how to fight. Sure, they knew he was good with a gun now, and knives ... And apparently at least decent with a katana. But no one ever said he could fight, least of all in heels.

Dazai sighed, knocked the bomber out and then tied him up with the shawl just as Chuuya brazenly burst through a window, ready to come to Dazai's rescue. Not a second later, a big explosion could be heard from high above them, which meant the mission was more or less over. Chuuya just examined the situation he'd walked in on and tsked. "I guess you have it handled."

"As expected of a slug, you're late," Dazai teased but waved for Chuuya to come over and deal with the bombers. He sighed as he took off the wig and tousled up his own hair. "Man, that was boring. We didn't even need to dress up."

"Oh, you did," assured Chuuya and Ranpo quickly hightailed it out of there as he recognized the glint in Chuuya's eyes.

He made sure to complain to Kouyou about Chuuya abusing joint missions for his kinks, but given she was too busy eye-fucking with Yosano, he wasn't sure he got the message across.

Ranpo huffed. Next time, he'll bring Poe, too, so he could join his friends in getting some action.

Chapter Text

4. Polyglot

One of the most impressive non-combat skills Dazai possessed was his proficiency with words, without a doubt.

Back in his mafia days, he barely needed more than a couple of sentences to bring enemies to their knees, crumble organizations or seduce targets. Chuuya had once described him as wicked enough to try to sell water to a drowning man and being clever enough to do it. No negotiation Dazai was sent to finished in failure and no conversation partner ever got more out of Dazai than Dazai got out of them, regardless of who played victim and who played torturer/interrogator. Dazai had driven Chuuya out of the Sheep with words alone; he'd made the fearsome Port Mafia Executive and leader of the Mafia's interrogation unit fold and cooperate with a few sentences; Assassin King Verlaine was bought out of killing him with just words. Akutagawa even claimed once that Dazai, on the night they met, convinced a group of armed men to shoot each other without lifting a finger.

Needless to say, Dazai was very good with words.

It was why he'd done his best to make sure something like a language barrier could never get in his way.

The Agency learned of this particular skill of Dazai's only after he'd started opening up about the fact that he was indeed far more than the bumbling fool they'd thought him to be. With each day that passed and each new skill that was revealed, they realized just how bamboozled Dazai had them by creating an Agency-friendly mask to hide the Demon Prodigy behind. But once he started letting them discover his surprisingly many talents, his knowledge of foreign languages didn't take long to get out.

It was several instances, mostly happening with Ranpo, Naomi, Kyouka or Yosano.

Yosano was the first who discovered a new language he spoke. They had been dragged along on what amounted to a double date with the Port Mafia's pretty redheads because both were emotionally constipated in a certain way caused by Mori and needed emotional support from an equally emotionally constipated person in order to survive dinner with two incredibly beautiful but emotionally unavailable due to heavy loss and life in the darkness redheaded Port Mafia Executives who were surprisingly interested in them on a more than physical level. Yosano thinks she's the most disadvantaged person at the table, since she's emotionally constipated, perhaps less than Dazai, but Soukoku knew each other down to the very beating of their hearts so that kinda cancelled out a lot of the uncomfortable kind of tension first official dates usually have.

Thankfully, there was plenty of wine to go around.

Unfortunately, as it was a really fancy French restaurant mostly visited by the most rich and famous in the city, they were pompous enough to write the menus only in French and English, for whatever reason. Yosano's English was so-so, but she didn't really specialize in food items or preparation types and she knew only how to say Bye in French. Needless to say, she was stumped and she didn't want to appear uneducated in front of Kouyou.

Thankfully, Dazai came to her rescue, by opening a strange debate between the Executives regarding the proper names for the various shades of red of all things, before he nudged Yosano so they could 'share' a menu and he started reading the items with what she thinks was a perfect accent, before he translated the names and ingredients before telling her his own opinion on it if he'd tried it. Needless to say, she was gawking at him.

He just winked at her. "When my dog started learning French when we were sixteen, of course I had to learn it, too! Can't let that chibi think he can actually win against me in something~" This had prompted the two to get into a bicker-fest but Kouyou acted like it was normal and started up a flirt-rich conversation with her own romantic interest.

French wasn't the only language Dazai spoke, though. English was confirmed when he helped Naomi with her schoolwork one time and then confirmed again when he had to talk down poor Poe from an anxiety attack because some dick on the way to the Agency tried to steal Karl for him on the streets. So while overprotective boyfriend Ranpo and his sadistic and supportive bestie Yosano were on a warpath, Dazai calmed the novelist down in soothing English (like the good little brother he was).

Kyouka had the pleasure of discovering Dazai knew Russian and Ukrainian when a Eastern European mob arrived in Yokohama and she was designated to work the case with Dazai, as two former Mafia members, therefore the most likely to go about the mission without endangering themselves or others. Kyouka could not discern the difference in languages, but Dazai assured her there was one, especially since he was fluent in Russian but was still learning Ukrainian. He apparently learned the first so he can discuss business with the Russian mob on Mori's behalf and later continued perfecting it when he discovered a chess rival from Russia who didn't know Japanese too well. Dazai apparently even stayed with a certain rat - the chess rival - in Russia for a few months in the two years he was laying low so he can start working at the Agency and in that time, he's managed to make Dostoevsky obsessed with beating him or making him suffer. Kyouka is of the opinion that the main reason this Dostoevsky fellow hates Dazai so much had to do with his reason to learn Ukrainian, AKA to better communicate with Dostoevsky's ... clown? just to piss the rat off. Kyouka was not entirely sure what that meant, but Dazai's knowledge of both languages helped them arrest the mob within a few hours since the start of their mission.

Fukuzawa actually found out Dazai knew German when he caught him casually reading over one of Kissinger's works as though he were doing some light reading to relax.

Ranpo, of course, discovered most of the languages Dazai spoke, fluently or not. It all happened because of a big international case that fell into the Agency's hands when an international Gifted criminal organization decided to make a base in Yokohama and immediately mysteriously killed three police officers. It was easy to know it was this group as they, just like Port Mafia, had a signature execution style. The case was immediately forwarded to Ranpo in hopes of getting rid of the organization before they do something stupid like declare a war on the Mafia or commit more murders to establish control over the city through fear.

Because the case was international, the files that Ranpo got were in various languages. He stuck only to the most recent ones, but they were still not in Japanese and Google Translate came up short. "Stupid Spanish," he grumbled, knowing he won't be able to deduce anything without getting proper information.

"Actually, it's Portuguese," Dazai said, startling him as he hadn't noticed his fellow genius sidle up behind him. "The report says the group burned down three schools, robbed a bank and committed thirteen murders throughout bigger cities in Brazil before they managed to smuggle themselves to Japan."

"Dazai-san, you know Portuguese?" A stunned Atsushi asked and Dazai hummed happily. "But I thought Kyouka-chan said you knew Russian and Ukrainian?"

"I do~"

"And French!" Called Yosano from her office.

"Yup," he replied, popping the P. "I know Spanish, too, much better than Portuguese, actually, but I can communicate."

"Why do you know so many languages?" A stunned Kunikida asked.

Dazai shrugged. "The Port Mafia had many business partners, as did the legal front, Mori Corp. As Mori-san once planned to have me be his successor, he had me doing most of the business interactions, so I had to learn because relying on translators and interpreters isn't safe or trustworthy. I also know sign language-"

"Yeah, yeah, just tell me what these reports say!" Ranpo interrupted, shoving the papers at Dazai and listening intently as Dazai translated.

And so they found themselves tracking down the group with Kunikida and Atsushi. Just business as usual, really. At one point, an Ability user literally dropped a slab of concrete on them to separate them, so now Dazai and Ranpo were on one side of some random rundown factory and Kunikida and Atsushi were on the other, thankfully facing more enemies than the less combatant duo. So the geniuses left them to it and tracked down the guy who dropped the slab in the first place. They found him, Dazai trussed him up in no time while Ranpo just stood back and watched, now no longer surprised by this side of Dazai.

Then the man started yelling at them in ... Italian? after Dazai put him in handcuffs.

"What's he saying?" He asked Dazai, not even sure if he'll get an actual answer. Because Dazai never mentioned Italian.

But the taller genius just tilts his head, thinks for a second, before replying a bit incredulously. "He just cursed us to always have pineapples on our pizza and ketchup instead of the authentic tomato sauce, I think."

"Huh? But I don't eat pizza?"

Dazai turned to look at him as though he's gone insane. "What do you mean, you don't eat pizza?!" Their prisoner seemed curious about Dazai's reaction, so the brunet told him something in Italian.

The Italian man then started thrashing about in genuine distress and anger. "Whata do ya meana youa don'ta eata pizza!?" He said in a very accented English that Ranpo barely understood what he was even trying to say. Then he continued rambling in Italian as Dazai nodded along. Eventually, he seems to strike a deal with him and the Italian sells out the Boss' location in return for, apparently, making an authentic Italian pizza for Ranpo so he can teach him the delights of Italian cuisine.

So here they are now, Dazai doing all the work to keep five Chinese men from decapitating the world's greatest detective, by fighting them off with only a katana he'd swiped off of someone. Ranpo was no expert, but this was most definitely not just 'the basics' as Verlaine had suggested when he'd commented on teaching Dazai. Ranpo made a note to tell the President to actually train with Dazai. The practice would make the brunet even more deadly, even as he almost easily kept up with five attackers. He was certainly not Kouyou's or Fukuzawa's level of skill, but he also wasn't a mere beginner. He moved as swiftly as the wind yet as gracefully as calm waters, his defense was solid and his attacks were precise. Fukuzawa would definitely be delighted to further teach him.

It didn't even take him that long to deal with the grunts before they tracked down the leader, also a China man, and Dazai got tired of all the running and chasing and just shot the guy's kneecaps. Then they rounded up the Chinese and Dazai seemingly recited their rights as Ranpo called for the Military Police to come and arrest them and anyone else Kunikida and Atsushi managed to capture. Dazai even waved Ranpo off to go check on their colleagues while he cracked his knuckles menacingly and started speaking to the Chinese in a dark, cold tone that had them whimpering and one even crying when Ranpo left. Needless to say, Dazai had a whole treasure trove of information and evidence for the police when they came to take the traumatized men away. They all tried to steer as far away from Dazai as possible as they were being arrested. The one that was crying before started crying again when Dazai made the teasing motion of getting into the police car with them to monitor them. He told them one last thing in Chinese before they were taken away.

The police thanked them and the quartet of detectives started back towards the Agency, utterly done for the day, except Kunikida, who was already mentally writing his report.

"So, Dazai," Ranpo began. "Just how many languages do you know?"

"Hmm, I think I've pretty much shown off all of them?" He mused, then started counting them off on his fingers. "Japanese, obviously. I am fluent in English, Russian, French, Spanish, German and Chinese. I still struggle with Italian, Portuguese and Ukrainian, though. I need more practice, I guess. I also know JSL and a bit of ASL, though I've rarely had the chance to use either. Oh, and I know Latin. I used to curse Mori in Latin and hope some demon would appear to drag him to hell, but then I realized no demon would dare come for what is essentially my prey, so if he fucks up, one of his days, you might find him 'sacrificed to a cult'," he said with dark amusement and, really, if he was talking about anyone else, Ranpo would let or join Kunikida in berating him.

Now he just offered him Poe's number because Poe would definitely have the best ideas on how to make it as dramatic as possible.

Hey, if Dazai's going to murder an asshole, he might as well have fun, right?

Chapter Text

5. Sewing

Compared to all the other things they've learned about Dazai over the past few weeks since the incident at the Port Mafia's private gun range, finding out Dazai could sew happened in an extremely normal and underwhelming setting.

They were at the office, going about their day as usual, when Kyouka and Atsushi came back from their latest mission. It was just to deliver some documents, but it seems they had a bit of a mishap, as their clothes were more or less in tatters and they were soaking wet from the downpour outside. Almost immediately, the others started fussing over them with blankets and hot tea. Yosano even gave them some vitamins to make sure they don't catch a cold and had them change into some spare clothes they had at the Agency.

"Man, I don't have any spare clothes," complained Atsushi. "Akutagawa shredded most of them up the last time he got pissed off for no reason."

Kyouka mournfully nodded as she inspected her kimono. She got better off than Atsushi, but not by much. It was mostly the seams that took damage, but the kimono was neigh on unwearable and she didn't earn enough money to buy a new one. Doubtlessly, Kouyou would get her a new one, no ten new ones if she asked, but Kyouka would feel like she's taking advantage of the woman's kindness and soft spot for her.

She was brought out of her thoughts when a bandaged hand appeared in her vision. Looking up, she found Dazai making a 'gimmie' motion with the hand and an arched eyebrow. Complying out of confusion more than anything, Kyouka watched the former mafioso saunter back to his desk with the red garment in hand. Kunikida made an enraged noise when Dazai practically swept everything off of their joined desks so he can slap the wet material on the surface, briefly inspecting the tears before shrugging and reaching into his desk drawer, from which he retrieved, of all things, a sewing kit.

At this point, everyone bar Kunikida - who was still ranting - and Ranpo - who was still snacking - paused to see what was going to happen, used to it by now that Dazai would pull out some unexpected talent that they hadn't known about beforehand to fix or better a situation. Kyouka had followed after the man and sat down in Atsushi's usual seat to observe as nimble fingers effortlessly put a red thread through the hole of the needle, readied everything for a double-threaded stitch and Dazai began sewing in swift, practiced effortless motions. Within two minutes, one of the biggest tears was mended without a hint of it ever having been there in the first place, the stitch was that good. Kyouka watched in awe as the process was repeated, over and over again, in threads of different color to match the design of her kimono so the stitches would be neigh invisible. When he was done, he held up the kimono to the light to check if he missed anything before humming to himself in satisfaction and handing the cloth back to the girl, who accepted it with a great amount of reverence. She ran her fingers over where she memorized the tears to be, but now there was nothing. It was like it never happened.

She looked up to the brunet, who was humming a happy melody to himself - it didn't sound like his suicide song, for once - as he cleared up the excess thread before calling over Atsushi so he can mend his clothes, too.

"Damn, and I thought Kunikida-san was the househusband," Naomi commented as she, too, watched in awe Dazai's nimble fingers work their magic on Atsushi's clothes. Despite him having been worse off, Dazai seemed to be working quicker on his clothes than Kyouka's kimono.

"Well, Kunikida-kun is~" Singsonged the genius.

"How come you know sewing, Dazai-san?" The elder Tanizaki asked and Dazai smiled at the ginger illusionist. It was a mischievous thing that put a twinkle in his eyes.

"Well, I knew basic stitches from Mori-san, as you all probably remember, so I started pranking him, only he noticed pretty early on when I would stitch his clothes to be just too tight or too short and he'd cut up the thread, iron them out and go about his day. So, of course, I had to get better at it! The first time his coat didn't quite fit and he couldn't understand why since no stitches were visible was worth all the effort and the numerous band-aids I had to wear afterwards. Later on, the hatrack came into the picture and sewing funny patches into his clothes was one of the best ways to make him lose his top, sometimes literally, so I got the entertainment and the view," Dazai said with the grin of the cat that got the cream. Yosano snickered at that tidbit, Ranpo snorted and the others looked half scandalized and half traumatized, remembering once again the gun range and just how shameless Soukoku were. "However, it also proved to be a useful skill, since our clothes almost always got damaged on our missions, Chuuya's especially, since Corruption sometimes tears the materials to pieces. Here you go, Atsushi-kun," the brunet paused in his story to hand the teen back his mended shirt. He then quickly started on the pants, sighing at the black material. "Of course, I often had to mend other people's clothes, too. Namely Q and Akutagawa-kun's coat since he was reluctant to let even Gin-chan do it after I taught her how. I wonder who does it now?" He mused to himself, already making plans to check his (former?) student's coat the next time. That ought to make his day. (Or year, more like.) "Anyways, after I left the Mafia, I had to lay low so any survival skill was vital to making it day to day. Clothes shopping was most certainly not an option, not online and not in person, even abroad-"

"You went abroad when you were under government watch?" An incredulous Kunikida asked and Dazai just shrugged.

"Yeah. It was easy to slip under their radar and I have more fake identities than there are countries in the world. It was easy to get to Russia as a widowed high school teacher looking for a new start. You all know I can rock a skirt," he said with a wink, as though he hadn't just admitted to several crimes in a couple of casual sentences. "Anyways, that's the history of my sewing skills. And that," he exclaimed as he finished with Atsushi's pants. "Is that. Feel free to come to me whenever you tear your clothes, Atsushi-kun, Kyouka-chan. I'm used to this sort of thing," he said with a smile while Atsushi thanked him teary-eyed.

"Can you make dresses from scratch?" Yosano wondered and Naomi immediately perked up.

Dazai thought about it before shrugging. "I mean, sure. I'm not a professional tailor, mind you, but I guess I could look up taking measurements and what that means for the shape of the dress. Then it's all the matter of materials and, you know, design, but I could potentially do it. Why?"

"Dazai-san, please make me a prom dress!"

"Hey, I was going to ask first, Naomi!"

"Early bird gets the worm, sensei!"

"What have you done?" Ranpo asked his fellow genius disbelievingly and Dazai just shrugged. This wasn't anything new to him. After all, Gin, Elise and Q often bickered over who would get Dazai's aid in this regard all the time, too, since Elise hated the dresses Mori bought her, Gin used to have no clothes of her own and Q was just a brat who exploited the fact that Dazai used to give in to them when they weren't causing trouble for anyone. Seeing Q in the same clothes he'd last made for them - bigger with the thought in mind that they'll grow - had been a shock, but had also caused his cold, stone heart to stir just the tiniest bit despite Q's gross actions.

Still, Dazai just hoped no one in the Agency figures out he knows how to knit, too.

That's a solely Chibi, Akutagawas, Hirotsu and Q privilege.

Chapter Text

+1 Cooking

It all ended how it all started: a hidden skill of Dazai Osamu that Nakahara Chuuya appreciated and enjoyed the most.

The Agency and the Mafia had finally decided to hash out a long term, stable alliance after the incident with the Rats in the House of the Dead and the Cannibalism Ability which had nearly killed Mori and Fukuzawa. Of course, such things couldn't be easily negotiated, hence a few day-long meetings were arranged between the organizations, with occasional guest attendances from the Special Abilities Department and the Guild. Of course, these marathon meetings meant the members of those organizations spent a lot of time together, which allowed them to observe each others' quirks and habits.

For example, everyone got to learn each others' tastes in food and how they treated each meal.

Kunikida made sure they had strictly scheduled meal and coffee breaks and for once everyone was happy to follow said schedule. Even Dazai, though he used his breaks to nag at Akutagawa to eat more than figs for lunch and no snacks during the shorter breaks. It was strangely close to motherhening in a form not even Kunikida could achieve, but Dazai's nagging was effective because he abused Akutagawa's desire to please him. At least the manipulation had a good cause behind it, so no one could fault his methods. If anything, Gin encouraged it and Higuchi was happy-crying as she subtly - for her - took pictures of her senpai eating proper meals.

Still, besides that, everyone more or less had a normal lunch, even the mafioso, even if their food was a bit more fancy and expensive.

But, of course, because he just had to, Chuuya stood out, because why wouldn't he?

The first day, he was as unprepared as everyone for the length of the meeting, so all he had was a sandwich and some snacks. Coffee and tea were provided by the Mafia, since they were hosting the meetings in their offices and conference rooms, so that was covered. The second day, Chuuya had a homemade bento he devoured with gusto, with Kouyou occasionally scolding him for eating so fast. The third day, though, he spread out his lunch like the Asian's packing lunch meme made corporal. The Executive had a whole mini pot of spicy curry, a serving bowl of rice and some side dish spread out in front of him as he served himself a big portion, far bigger than one would expect from a man of his athletic build and overall size.

"Chibi uses up a lot of his energy on meaningless barking and during fights, so of course he has to eat like a beast to make up for it," Dazai had cheerfully explained when someone had commented on the portions he was eating. Chuuya had surprised them all when he'd only pointed a threatening spoon at him before going back to his meal with a delighted moan. Dazai had rolled his eyes at him fondly before he averted his focus to annoying either Kunikkda or terrorizing Mori.

Ango, who had come to represent the Department, had been left strangely alone as he stared at the spicy curry in tragic nostalgia. He and Dazai did not meet gazes the rest of the day, yet ended up drinking together until the early hours of the morning in Bar Lupin until Hirotsu came to drive their drunk asses home.

The next day, for whatever reason, Chuuya had steak and roasted potatoes. The day after that, what seemed to be homemade crab ramen.

The day after that, when he started eating his borsch of all things, the curiosity and confusion between both organizations could no longer be contained.

Thankfully, Kenji, bless his oblivious heart, was the one who actually questioned him about his lunches. And break snacks, as of the last two days, where Chuuya had pulled a whole ass cake out of somewhere and refused to share, even with the kids or his respected Ane-san or even his Boss, and Ranpo was left pouting worse than Elise because that Devil's Fruit Cake had looked divine.

"Do you make them yourself?"

Chuuya swallowed his latest inhaled bite in order to humor Kenji with a response. "Usually, yes, but when Dazai and I are bound to spend time together out of my apartment or when he's feeling like it, he makes me meals. Which is also why I'm so selfish with them, since they're such a rare occurrence but delicious as all hell when they happen," he praised and when everyone, even the Port Mafia members, turn to gawk at Dazai, wide eyed, they were even more surprised to see a slight blush painting his cheeks and he was pointedly not looking at anyone. Even when Ranpo jumped him, demanding to know whether Dazai had also made the cake the other day and the brunet could only shrug.

"I knew Dazai-san could cook," Kyouka surprised them further by plainly stating. "He gifted me home made tofu when I became an official member of the Agency."

"Oh, yeah, the bastard makes award winning tofu," Chuuya informed through his next spoonful of borsch. "I actually sent some to that amateur tofu-making competition when we were, like, seventeen. They sent back a warning that it's an amateur competition and thus couldn't accept the entry," he shrugged, as though that was to be expected.

Kyouka nodded. "It definitely tasted like an award winning tofu."

"Right?" The ginger said excitedly.

"How did you even begin cooking?" Gin asked, never having had the chance to see that side of the man who'd saved her brother and her.

Dazai shrugged. "Like most mundane things began where I'm concerned: a bet with Chuuya. Then a bet with Ango, since he didn't believe me when I said I'm a good cook, though I only knew a handful of recipes at that point and I had problems with making the food look as appetizing as it smelled or tasted. I won both bets, if you're wondering. Then, when I was laying low before getting employed at the Agency, I had too much time on my hands, so I spent it perfecting the dishes I knew how to cook and learning new ones. I got a nice borsch recipe during my stay in Russia, which is probably why demon Fyodor hates me so much."

"You've known that rat for nearly four years!?" Kunikida exploded but the brunet grimaced.

"No, unfortunately, I've first met him when I was sixteen. He was partially behind Shibusawa's rampage during the Dragon Head conflict, too, but we didn't exactly have much time to converse or appraise each other's skills and intelligence back then. That kinda happened in Russia, instead, when we both applied for some local chess tournament, we ended up in the finals and tied the first round, only for me to win the rematch. We annoyed each other for a while, then I was learning to cook borsch and he crashed at my place. I used him as a taste tester and it was supposedly the best borsch he's ever tasted-"

"It sure fucking is!" Chuuya agreed, already having polished his plate and now lounging back like a satisfied, well fed cat.

Dazai rolled his eyes, amused and fond. "Anyways, he started annoying me to make it all the time, then he tried to lock me up in some random basement with a stove and ingredients and then tried stalking me halfway across Siberia until he lost track of me-"

"WHAT!?" Chuuya thundered, all contentment from his meal gone in the face of this seemingly new information. "That's it! Dazai, hold my hat. I have a ratatouille to pummel in France-"

"I won't make you French coq au vin-"

"I guess I'll stay, for now." Chuuya even plopped back down into his seat, making most of the mafioso sweatdrop while the detectives were just stunned.

"Yeah, so, anyways," Dazai continued casually. "Ever since that incident, I've only ever cooked for Chuuya."

"No one else? Not even yourself?"

"Why would I?" He countered Yosano. "I have Chuuya for that, my beautiful partner who ought to work in a Michelin restaurant~!"

"Hell no. I only cook for you and Ane-san."

"Okay, but, what about, like, everyday meals?" Tachihara asked, scratching his head, still as confused as ever about Soukoku, who could act like toddlers when put in a room together, being the most devastating rivals and the most terrifying duo in history.

"... Right. You don't know that we live together."

"... WHAT!?"

Neither Chuuya nor Dazai deigned to indulge their friends' slash coworkers' curiosity, nor did they answer any questions their leaders asked. All they were willing to say was that they were in an official, exclusive relationship and moved in together after the shooting range incident, since Dazai had already spent so much time there and half of his meager possessions had been brought to Chuuya's apartment to accommodate him after Chuuya was finally through with him.

How they finally admitted it was more than physical attraction and deep rooted trust between them? Well, that's a whole other story we don't have time for now.

All you should know is that Soukoku invited certain subordinates to dinner occasionally.

Their guests always left crying tears of contentment.

OWARI