Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Once you lose a part of yourself, it’s really hard to get it back. Yoo Sangah knew this the best as she frantically ran and ran to reach Kim Dokja’s hospital room where they all hoped he would open his eyes, avatar or not. Most Ancient Dream or not. Real or not, they just wanted some part of Dokja back. And so they ran.

But she knew it was impossible, gathering thousands of scattered pieces, building him back as if he’s just a puzzle to be fixed. Dokja was a real person and he knew what he was and what he wanted to do. He knew that it had to be done when he made an avatar. After all, for all this while, didn’t they all follow him because he knew. And therefore, what right did they have to change his plans? This all Sangah was aware of. And so did Sooyoung. And maybe so did Yoo Joonghyuk. Yet, yet, they both acted so stubborn when it came to him.

Perhaps Kim Dokja wanted to be saved, perhaps he only wanted to read on and on and on. There’s no real answer, just like how there is never a happy ending. Only an ending that could just be was what Sangah believed in, and that’s what she was trying to achieve. All stories come to an end and yet people keep living, trying to just exist and not find an ending. Why can’t they just all keep flowing, and breaking, and healing and crying and still be.

Of course Kim Dokja wasn’t there in the room. Of course, there was no other way, but to ‘be’ without him.

—

The house that they bought with Kim Dokja in mind was silent with everyone either sleeping or crying in their rooms. They didn’t know what to do because they had nothing to mourn - Dokja just wasn’t there. No body, no soul, no fragments. They opened the hospital door and found nothing. The bed was perfectly made as if he never slept there. The papers on the table, that they all worked on, sat in the middle with some pages flying about. Lee Gilyeong thought his hyung was playing a prank on them and checked under the bed. Shin Yoosung asked if ahjussi teleported into their house instead because that’s where he first fell unconscious. The elders didn’t say anything. They knew their last hope was finally lost. And there was nothing else to do.
—

Sangah and Sooyoung had to share rooms. They wordlessly accepted each other’s presence and took to their own beds on opposite sides of the room. After coming back from the hospital, Sooyoung didn’t say anything for a person who couldn’t stop talking an hour ago, and went under her blankets only to wake up to drink some water and eat wafers. Joonghyuk’s absence was poignant, there was no one to cook or follow orders from. He ran outside after seeing the empty bed and never came back.

Sangah hoped that he would know how to cope, how to mourn, how to move on given that he’s been doing it for his companions for all these years. The next day she had heard the news that the scenarios had begun again - in Old Seoul, the place where people would say their nightmares began, no one except them knew that it was a lonely boy’s dream that began, only to never end. Joonghyuk probably went there because he had nowhere else to go while everyone else stayed back in New Seoul, where people led normal lives.

What Sangah didn’t know was how to deal with Sooyoung, she could only bring herself to sit and stare at the sleeping figure. Joonghyuk had his scenarios, but what did Sooyoung have? The age old question of what becomes of an author if they didn’t have a reader came back to her. She felt ice in her heart, she didn’t know what to do. She thought about the phrase ‘death of the author’ and wondered how many times Sooyoung had to die. If she continues to write, without her dokja, will she accept Sangah as her reader? She still didn’t know much about webnovels or isekai, reading Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint felt like reading their autobiography and therefore she didn’t know if she was the right person to read Sooyoung’s books. Maybe she’ll try it.

Sooyoung stirred in her sleep, muttering something inaudible. The last wafer she had was 12 hours ago and there was nothing else at home. She didn’t know how the others were doing. She could trust Heewon and Hyunsung to take care of the kids. The last she saw of Jihye was when she was with Jang Hayoung, them holding each other up. She didn’t have the mental capacity to worry about others. While Sangah might not be grieving like Sooyoung was, she found herself incapable of doing anything productive or helpful. It was then that she decided that she will take care of Sooyoung in whatever way she can, at least. They might not be the best of friends but it was very evident how much she had meant to Dokja. He would have wanted her to do it.

“Sooyoung-ah”, she called out softly and went unheard. She walked up to the other side of the room and shook her shoulder slightly. “Hey, Sooyoung-ah”. There was more stirring and yawning coming from under the blanket. She stood for a few minutes and then pulled the blanket off her.

“Oi, Yoo Sangah! What do you think you’re doing?” She yelled and struggled with the covers, and Sangah thought for a moment that bringing back the original Sooyoung might be easier after all.

“Get up and let’s go get something to eat.”

“If you’re hungry just go get something yourself, don’t drag me into this!”

“I want some company, come on. Let’s please go eat.”

When she didn’t get any response from her, Sangah started to worry. Silences were never really Sooyoung’s thing.

She reached down and took her hands, “Sooyoung-ah, you really want to act like Dokja-ssi? Ignoring your health and skipping meals?”
She pulled back her hands and didn’t answer her. Instead she said, “Where is Yoo Joonghyuk?”

Not the sunfish bastard, not that guy, but Yoo Joonghyuk. “He went to Old Seoul to continue with the scenarios.”

“Did he go all by himself?” She asked, looking ready to follow him there right this second.

“I think Gong Pildu has also gone with him. Biyoo is also there. But I won’t let you go there.”

Her eyes narrowed down and looked accusingly at her. No matter what, Sangah wasn’t going to relent. Joonghyuk might know how to live by continuing the scenarios but she believed Sooyoung wasn’t like that. Sooyoung-ah is a writer and hence she could continue to write, she didn’t need to fight anymore.

“I think what Dokja-ssi would want-”

“I don’t care what he wants.”

“Of course, isn’t that why we are here right now?”

Perhaps that was a harsh thing to say at this moment but Sooyoung needs to be confronted by the hard truth over and over again. At least for a while, she needs to be led away from her words. Everybody needs a break from what they do. Writers go on hiatuses and she definitely needed one right now.

And still, Sooyoung doesn’t look as mad as she hoped she would be. Instead, she looks even sadder. That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Sangah grabs her hands again and pulls her up this time.

“If you hate our current situation so much, why don’t you go somewhere else?” Sooyoung asks her. It’s not like she hasn’t thought about it before. She thought of looking for a job, preferably not a gaming company this time, moving out and living by herself just like how it was before. But before, Sooyoung wasn’t in her life and now she was, which made all the difference.

“Do you want to change up before going out or are you coming like this?” she asked back instead.

“Okay, let’s go. And don’t bring up his name again. Both of them.”

Sangah went and picked up her wallet, relieved that she listened to her. It would be hard for them to converse without bringing up Dokja and Joonghyuk, they don’t know a life without them but they could build one if they wanted to. Right?

And so they stepped out of their rooms after who knows how many hours with Sooyoung in her jeans and sweater, her hair uncombed and Sangah looking like an overworked employee who hasn’t had a good night’s sleep. In the living room, they met Jihye and Hayoung watching something on TV. Jihye looked uninterested and bored while Hayoung kept glancing between her and the TV. They’ve never spoken to each other much before and naturally would be awkward, but they were still sitting together.

At the sound of their footsteps, they looked up.

“Hey! Han Sooyoung! What’s the next plan?” Jihye jumps and comes up to them.

“Next plan…..” Sooyoung begins and starts murmuring to herself. Before she starts overthinking about ways in which they could bring Dokja back all over again, Sangah interrupts them.

“Next plan is to enroll you and the kids in a school. So get ready to go shopping for supplies soon.”

“What? But what about Ahjussi?”

“He was gone for his own good, but we tried to go against his wishes and brought him back, and now he’s really gone for good. So don’t fret about him anymore. You think if he were watching, you would want to act like this?”

“What would Ahjussi want then? Even Master is gone…”

“Both him and Dokja-ssi would want you all to go to school and make more friends. And maybe tell everyone about the story we made.”

At this Sooyoung perks up and starts talking fast. “That’s what we should do! Write more stories about Kim Dokja and his company. We just left the manuscript there when we should have continued writing again and again-”

Sangah grabs her hand and walks out of the house with Sooyoung’s low protest following behind. Writing more of that story is the last thing she should be doing right now.

“Listen to me a bit, Sooyoung-ah. I know I said I would not talk about him but I need to tell you this and you need to believe in me, just this one time. Dokja-ssi is not going to come back, of course he will always exist with us and in our stories, but he never dreamt of himself with us. If Dokja-ssi wanted to be with us right now, he wouldn’t have sacrificed himself over and over again. So, I hope you can accept that fact and stop trying to get him back.” To be honest, these excuses were the only ones that Sangah could come up with. Even she wanted Dokja back. But it was easier to make excuses than face reality.

She knew this wouldn’t fully convince Sooyoung but she had to try. Sooyoung didn’t say anything but kept her head down and looked even more miserable than before. It was time to change tactics, Sangah decided. She pulled her again, this time by the elbow, and dragged her out of their neighborhood.

—

“What do you want to eat?”

Sangah sat opposite Sooyoung inside a cafe and looked through the menu. She didn’t have the appetite to eat anything but had to make Sooyoung eat something other than wafers.

“I’ll get some egg sandwiches, have you decided anything Sooyoung-ah?”

“I’ll also take the same.”

After giving their order to the waitress, they sat in weird silence which felt uncomfortable at first since they have never done this before but at the same time, it didn’t feel awkward either. Nobody broke their silence until the food came in, Sooyoung kept checking her phone which Sangah noted that she had to stop someway, and they dug in.

“Don’t you think we should hire a cook for a while? We can’t eat outside everyday.”

“Yeah, we should.”

“It would have been helpful if Joonghyuk-ssi were here.” she let out a small laugh at which Sooyoung scowled. Alright, no mentioning him either. As much as the reader, the protagonist was also very important to the author. Sangah would never understand it fully what to be the each of them so she could only do what was asked of her.

“We can enroll the kids in after summer, let them take their time in adjusting.”

“Mhmm.”

“I wonder what Heewon-ssi and Hyunsung-ssi are going to do…”

“What about you?”

“I… uh” she hadn’t expected Sooyoung to ask any questions.

“I haven’t decided. We don’t urgently need a job anyways, some of the coins we have saved up and the favor from the government for reaching the end will help us keep afloat for a few months at least.”

Sooyoung hummed at that. Sangah couldn’t make out what her reaction meant. What would she do? What should she be doing?

She enquired with the cafe owner about cooks while paying the bill and hired one from their team for a month. By then surely they could hold up by themselves. She needed to ask Breaking Sword Saint Master-nim on how Joonghyuk learnt his cooking and learn it herself.

—

Back in the house, Sooyoung goes back under her blanket again and Sangah sets out to check the condition of others. She found Heewon and Hyunsung eating the sandwiches they brought back in the dining hall. Jihye and Hayoung were nowhere to be seen and the kids were still sleeping.

“Thank you Sangah-ssi, I forgot about humans having to eat.” she said and laughed lightly.

“Heewon-ssi needed the rest so I hope you remember from now on.”

“How is Sooyoungie doing?”

“I don’t know… she asked me not to talk about him.”

“Is Yoo Joonghyuk-ssi really gone?” Hyunsung asked.

“I think it suits him. Don’t you think?”

“Now that his regression stigma is not there.. I’m a bit scared about him. I hope Biyoo is also with him, she must be so busy with all the new scenarios and adjusting to the system.”

“He’s lived for a thousand years, I trust him to do what is best.”

“You’re right Sangah-ssi. How are you doing, though?”

“I think I am fine, Dokja-ssi has done this so many times that I feel like he’ll be back in five years.”

“If we believe that he’s going to be back someday, then surely we can move on with our lives.”

Heewon and Hyunsung developed a determined look in their eyes and Sangah hoped it would not bring them more disappointment. Still it was difficult for her to utter the reality of their circumstances to them even if they secretly knew it. She was certain it would work for a while, hasn’t it always been like this in her own life before the scenarios? Hiding behind hope and working inside a delicate bubble?

She told them to think about their jobs and asked if they could take the responsibility of the kids.

“About that… are we going to stay in this house?”

“I don’t see why not since we have enough rooms and I hired a cook for one month.”

“Ah, so things are happening very fast, I see. I heard Aileen-ssi is starting a school next to Seolhwa-ssi’s hospital. Do you think we should enroll them there?”

“Oh! That seems like a good idea. You both will take care of it right?”

They both looked sheepish and embarrassed when they said yes to taking care of the kids. Hopefully, their feelings for each other won't die out soon. Sangah didn’t want to handle another divorce in the household.

—

She went to her room and sat down leaning against the wall. She would have to talk to Jihye and Hayoung later. It was an unusual pairing but she could definitely envision their bonding as that of two sisters. She could trust Hayoung to take care of Jihye well. Wiping her eyes, she began thinking more.

Now about herself, Sangah had no clue.

Should she try out teaching preschoolers? Sure she loved Gilyeong and Yoosung but she couldn’t imagine herself surrounded by many small kids. What about learning a professional course? She couldn’t muster up energy… Would a barista be fine? All her life everyone expected her to get a well paying and respectable job that at this point she had no idea of what she should be doing when there was no one to judge her. Did she enjoy talking to people about things other than work? Did she like doing physical labor? Would she be fine doing nothing? All she wanted right now was to escape… and for a moment she related to Kim Dokja more than ever.

Which led her to look at web novels on her phone.

… why did they all have such long names?

It was hard for her to choose what to read. The Imbecile Lord is Married to Five Beautiful Goddesses? She liked the main characters to be smart, not stupid. Strongest Mage with the Lust System? Um, maybe she could come back to that one later. As An Undead Wizard, I Summon SSS-level Undead Disaster hit a bit close to home. After scrolling for a bit, she ended up starting a romance called Perfect Secret Love: The Bad New Wife is A Little Sweet.

It was interesting, Sangah thought. No, that’s not the word, entertaining. The first chapter opened with a girl waking up horrified in the bed of an unruly (ex?) lover. There was something forbidden about the situation and their relationship that felt like she wasn’t supposed to read it. She felt like a Constellation enjoying the suffering of others. But the allure of it was unmistakable, she wanted to know what happened to the main character and so she read on.

She read on and on and on, completely immersed in the story of the two main leads and hooked on their dynamics. She read all day and forgot to have lunch. If not for Heewon calling her to eat some dinner, she would have sat and read all night. It weirded her out. She used to read before the scenarios started but after becoming associated with Kim Dokja, reading and writing had a whole new different meaning that was too complex to explain. She was scared of reading and what it would do to her. Maybe it was this addictiveness that is concerning. Sangah decided to regulate her reading from now on. She already accepted that she had taken a liking to romance novels after all.

“Hey, Sooyoung-ah! You slept for some 12 hours. What are you going to do in the night then?”

“Ugh, what now?”

“It’s dinner time.”

She pulls the other woman into the dining hall where everyone in the house had gathered. Sooyoung got a look at them for the first time and quite visibly shrunk into herself, everyone noticed of course but no one said anything. They eat the dinner bought by Hayoung and Jihye when they went out to check some new shops in the area.

“Ooh, what else did you guys find?” Heewon asked.

“Our neighborhood seemed to have almost everything. We visited Seolhwa noona’s hospital and met Aileen there! We also have bookshops, record stores and a restaurant too!”

“Aah, we’ll have to go there one day then!” Sangah told her. She was glad to see that Hayoung was adjusting well. She wondered if Jihye talks to her about what happened.

“Thank you for the meal Hayoung-ah, let us eat then.”

—

Sooyoung didn’t speak to anyone while eating and went back to their room quickly after finishing only half of the meal. Sangah felt helpless. She went back to reading more novels. After quite some time, she heard someone clear their throat.

“Hey, why have you been staring at your phone all day?”

“Do you think I’m texting someone, Sooyoung-ah?”

“N-no, t-that’s not what I meant. It’s just unusual so it’s natural for me to be worried on what you’re up to.” That was the longest sentence she had uttered after Kim Dokja’s disappearance that was not about Kim Dokja. Sangah didn’t want to end this conversation soon.

“Would you believe me if I told you that I’ve been reading web novels?”

Sooyoung’s eyes start to shake. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. Sangah really needed to think twice before sharing anything. She followed up with, “Not the kind of ones that you write…uh.. I started reading romance novels.”

At this, her jaw fell open and Sangah felt a bit embarrassed to say it out loud. She didn’t know anyone who read this kind of stuff. Was it something to be embarrassed about?

“W-what?”

“Yes, there’s this one called Perfect Secret Love-”

“No! I don’t want to hear about it!”

“Okay then…”

She went back to reading and Sooyoung fell asleep. It was crazy how many hours this woman could sleep in a day.

—

The next day she found Sooyoung reading Perfect Secret Love: The Bad New Wife is A Little Sweet on her phone.

Chapter Text

"Hey! How did you open my phone?"

"Um, it was open when you fell asleep!"

"Why did you take it then???"

"I just wanted to turn it off but my hand slipped."

"Your hand just slipped from chapter 50 to 100 of the web novel I was reading?"

"Your phone is very touch sensitive you know…"

"You could've just asked me the name."

"It isn't that good, anyways."

Sangah sighed. Her head was throbbing probably because of the excess screen time that she was not used to.

“I’m being serious, people shouldn’t be reading web novels, it’s dangerous.”

“Just because…”

“Listen to me! Web novels should be banned from this country!” Sooyoung yelled, pretty agitated.

She wondered what exactly Sooyoung was angry at. Did she start hating web novels or did she hate the one she had to write? She was probably angry at the narrative of the world. The genre, the cliches, the plot structure, the inevitableness of the written word, the potential of interpretations, the horror of reflecting reality.

Either way, this wasn’t a development she expected to happen. Would Sooyoung enjoy reading something like romance novels?

—

One week passed quickly. They’ve gone through this before, when Kim Dokja disappeared for three years. The only difference was that there were no scenarios for them to complete this time and no Yoo Joonghyuk to wordlessly reassure them. There was only life ahead. Slow, pointless, boring life. At least she’s got her romance novels to keep her entertained for now. She wasn’t as invested as Kim Dokja was in the stories but she enjoyed them nevertheless.

She even wondered if the kind of things in the novels would happen to her and she immediately had to stop that thought. No, she didn’t want to wake up in the bed of a handsome Duke with anger issues and a jealous maid who wanted to kill her. The thought of something like romance itself happening in real life felt so fictional. She couldn’t begin to explain, it was just so unreal. Can there be a worldline where she went on dates with her co-workers who used to run behind her? Is there a chance that she perhaps liked that? Would she have asked out Kim Dokja, her lean and quiet colleague for their company party as a date? Would he have said yes? Does that mean, in one of the thousand worldlines, she would get to be his happy ending?

It was a hopeful yet futile thought, Kim Dokja wouldn’t have been satisfied with her. He would have been interested in someone like Han Sooyoung who could write, or Yoo Joonghyuk who was so cool and smart or some other person who reads webnovels. Not someone like her who loved studying languages or reading literary fiction. Kim Dokja would have smiled in that uneasy way of his if she told him that she had started reading romance webnovels. He would’ve been her friend, but nothing more. If they had a romantic story by any chance, it wouldn’t be the kind that people would write and read about.

But it would be nice if she had someone, just anyone, to go to the beach and eat an ice cream with. For now, she had to adjust with taking Sooyoung to the cafe on days she forgets to eat.

After their webnovel talk, she retracted to herself again and didn’t speak much. Whenever Sangah jerks awake at night, which started happening quite frequently, she saw Sooyoung lying with her eyes wide open and tears streaming down her face. During the years that they had completed their scenarios together, she had never, ever seen Sooyoung cry. She didn’t cry when they didn’t find Kim Dokja on the bed. Not when they had to store away his clothes and things. Not when his mother held a prayer ceremony in their old house.

Something clenched really hard in her chest. Instead of listening to what that emotion had to stay, she shut her eyes close and forced herself to sleep. Just like how Sooyoung never made a sound when she cried, she would also suppress her voice and thoughts.

Lee Sookyung grieved for her son’s death by devoting herself to the society. She was running fundraisers for survivors who couldn’t afford a place to stay, volunteering at rehabilitation centers and hospitals. Sangah made a mental note of going to visit her soon and maybe help with some of the work. It could be another way in which she could be useful or just, do something.

Because things kept happening - people moving on from the scenarios, New Seoul imitating the Very Old Seoul and she’s been having a hard time trying to process and making sense of it. Sometimes she hears someone crying in the house, sometimes they are yelling, and most of the time it’s just silence. The cook leaves the food packed in boxes and in the fridge and no one eats together anymore after the first day. Even Sooyoung and Sangah who share rooms don’t eat together. She doesn’t see when Sooyoung eats but her box is usually empty.

One day she heard her eating while entering the room, mumbling to herself, “I won’t starve because of you, you bastard.” Sangah felt like it was something she shouldn’t be watching so she didn’t enter the room yet. She stood silently listening behind the half closed door. “Come back, you idiot.” she sniffled.

“If you truly loved us, you wouldn’t have done it.”

She stepped back and went outside. She wanted to cry. Really really bad. The clenching feeling returned. But she went to look for Kim Dokja’s mother instead.

—

“Hello, Sangah-yah”, Lee Sookyung smiled at her. They were at Lee Seolhwa’s small hospital which was just a few minutes away from their house.

“Hello ajumma”, she bowed to her. “Hello, Seolhwa-ssi. How are you both doing? Seems like the hospital is running smoothly because of you two, I’m really glad.”

“Thank you Sangah-ssi, that means a lot. I’m doing better. With so much work to do there is no time to think about anything else. How is everyone at home?”Seolhwa replied.

“I hope you both are eating well, I can bring lunch over any time! They’re all adjusting at home…”

“Haha, Sangah-yah have you finally learnt how to cook?” Sookyung joked. Everyone in their party knew that she was no good in the kitchen.

“Not really…” she got a bit embarrassed. She needed to start learning it right when she got home.

“Though Seolhwa-ssi, other than cooking, is there something I can help with here?”

“Oh, is Sangah-ssi not going back to her job? It’s fine! You could help us with auditing or accounts, we need plenty of help on the administration side. Keeping track of patients is a mess. Aileen-ssi’s room is cluttered with papers.”

“I’ll be there tomorrow then?” While she didn’t know if she enjoyed doing that kind of work anymore, now that she asked she couldn’t go back on her word.

“Of course, you can come here whenever you want! It was nice seeing you today. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to work. See you!” Seolhwa left them in the office.

Sookyung was smiling albeit very sadly at Sangah. Mothers, whoever’s it was, knew a lot of things.

“If Sangah-ssi ever wants to talk, I hope you know that my phone will always be available for you to call.”

Suddenly her heart felt so full, it was different from the clenching feeling she experienced a while back and yet she was so flustered about it that she could only come up with, “Does that mean your doors are closed?” her voice wavered. She only wanted to joke about it.

Despite that, Sookyung’s eyes became serious. “No, I did not mean that. I keep the key under the red flowerpot, please come by anytime and let yourself in.”

“Ahjumma! Don’t tell me things like this! What if someone overhears?” She flushed a bit. It was Kim Dokja’s mother after all.

“You’re too cute. Bring that Sooyoungie sometimes too.”

“Ah… I don’t think she will be coming anytime soon.”

“I know it would be hard but can you try your best? There’s something I want to show her.”

She wondered if she could see it too. Does Sookyung like Han Sooyoung more than her? It would make sense because they both did spend more time together after all. Whenever she is around them, she gets the feeling that they both are sharing an inside joke about Kim Dokja which she could never understand. But nevertheless, of course, she would try hard to get Sooyoung to meet Sookyung. Even their names seemed friendly with each other.

Yoo Sangah stuck out like a sore thumb, maybe she could relate to Yoo Joonghyuk after all.

—

Back at home, she talked to Sooyoung for the first time in a long while.

“Hey. Sooyoung-ah. I know you’re awake so don’t pretend to not hear me. Can you do me a favor? I know it’s not fair of me to ask it of you but… could you visit Sookyung Ahjumma-”

“Shut up, Yoo Sangah. Please just shut up. I don’t want to go see that old lady. Or talk to you. So please please just leave me alone. I know there are more rooms in this house, would you like to go to one of them?”

“I see. Alright.”

She walked out of the room, and then ran. Sangah has been trying really hard to keep it in, stop the clenching in her chest to get the better of her. She thought, if she ignored it enough, it would go away. But no, it only took a bunch of words to break the wall she had built for herself. Kim Dokja had his Fourth Wall but what protective barrier did Yoo Sangah have? She wasn’t as lucky and therefore had to build her own wall to protect herself. Who was Sooyoung to try and break it?

She ran, her high adrenaline from the emotional reaction making it harder to breathe and in her mind she kept thinking, I don’t want to come back to this house.

It was an unfair thought. But she was so, so tired of being kind and fair. So tired, that she wished she could go back into the time of scenarios where her anger and sadness could be channeled into killing people.

While most people would deem her good, in her heart Sangah knew that she was definitely ‘evil’.

But now in New Seoul there was no space, no authority, no reason for her to be evil and go around killing people. So she went to her old spot where she used to go when she worked in Minosoft.

The rooftop.

—

She had once met Kim Dokja there. In the rooftop of the Minosoft building. It was only once but the encounter was memorable because they seemed to be pondering the same thing, had come up for the same reason, were about to attempt, or consider the same action yet - had to stop because of each other’s presence. Sangah didn’t know it then, but she’s realizing it now. When she had seen Kim Dokja then, she thought he was just here to grab a smoke. She wondered what he had thought about her at that time. Did he also think that she was up here to smoke? Or did he secretly know that she had come here for the same reason as him?

Either way, their presence had put a damper on each of their plans and they awkwardly stood there together for a few minutes until Sangah suggested that they go back down since the lunch break was about to end.

Now, their company building had turned into an abandoned place in a deserted area. Minosoft was eventually going to be bankrupt after all. She climbed the rusty old stairs where she once walked, where Kim Dokja once walked and onto the rooftop.

The view had always been great, it was nothing exceptional like the sea or some lake or a grassy field, it was an industrial area filled with buildings on one side but with a residential area on the other side. There was something about watching families come and go to their houses, children playing in the road, and ajumma's drying clothes that calmed her.

Of course now all those things are gone. The families either died during the scenarios or were living somewhere else. The children probably didn’t make it out. The houses now were rusty like Minosoft. The desolation calmed her even more.

She climbed on to the water tank, her usual spot, and sat down leaning against it. Kim Dokja probably came here more often but never saw her because of this. Her spot was slightly hidden from the casual eye. He probably watched the industrial side of the rooftop. She wished that he would notice her in some other worldline, sitting on the water tank, perhaps joining her there for the days to come until the apocalypse started. They would start getting on the subway together and again, they would be talking when the train stops and changes the genre of their lives. Except, Sangah would try her best to keep Dokja from dying even once.

She started crying then. Tears flowing down on their own accord. It kept flowing until the sun slowly went down, its lighting dimming over the minutes, colors of the leaves changing from green to a darker green, the world was better with the sun, lonelier without it. Her tears started drying up just as the sun went out completely, letting the coldness of the moon soothe her face.

Sangah would go home and explain that she got lost, that she forgot her way around the area after all these years. That she wanted to see if the Minosoft building survived the apocalypse. That she wanted to look for some part of herself that was lost.

She got down the ladder, it was harder to see now that there was no sunlight. Maybe she should have gone home earlier because the building was drenched in darkness, the streetlights broken and unused. Was there any soul out in this place during this hour? The winds were rustling harder at this time, and there was more of it than a while ago. Years of surviving the apocalypse definitely did good to her confidence. Instead of feeling scared, it felt cathartic. It was like she deserved this feeling of cold horror in her bones.

And then she screamed at the flash of white near the rooftop door.

So did the person standing there holding a flashlight.

“Yoo Sangah!! Is that you????” The flashlight was on her face and she could feel its warmth all over her body and even though she couldn’t open her eyes because of the blinding light, she could recognize this snarky voice anywhere.

“Sooyoung-ah, please stop the light-”

She was pushed back into the wall beside her. Sooyoung holding the collars of her shirt in a deathly grip, her face inches away, the flashlight on the ground encasing them in a faint light.

“You were going to leave just like them, weren’t you? Huh???” Sooyoung’s hands were shaking.

“I don’t even know why I came here but,” Her whole body started shaking. “But.”

“Don’t you dare leave.”

Sangah understood it then. A person who pushed people away just to know if they would still stay. A person who would say mean things, but still wanted to be loved despite that. Sooyoung was the opposite of herself, Sangah would force herself to say kind things just so that people would like her. But Sooyoung acts herself, speaks her mind and lashes out and hopes that they would stay with all she has to offer.

She reached out to her waist, in an attempt to hug her. Sooyoung was still shaking so Sangah thought it would be better to physically reassure her that she was there, rather than giving a wordy explanation. What does words mean to a writer anyway?

She slid an arm around her waist and the other around her back, and hugged her tightly. It was definitely awkward, they’ve never hugged before but all she wanted to do right then was hold her for a while. She hoped that the hug would translate all the things she wanted to say to her. That she wasn’t leaving anywhere. That she would have wanted to, if Sooyoung weren’t there. That she’ll stay, she’ll stay forever if she could, if she wanted her to. That she would go, if that's what she wished to happen.

Sooyoung’s hands slowly stopped shaking and settled around her neck. They stood holding on to each other until her breath calmed down. Even when Sooyoung stopped fully shaking, they still stood there as the darkness around them became deeper.

“Hey Sooyoung-ah, shall we go back to our room? Overworked Minosoft ghosts might come out soon.”

“Were you overworked?”

“Er…well, everybody had to do unpaid overtime.”she shrugged.

Sooyoung’s face came into view in front of her. “You don’t have to shift your room by the way.”

“Oh! Thank you, I’ve grown rather used to it.”

“But you have to promise me to never come here again.”

She promised her that. She would find some place else to have a breakdown if that was what it came to.

They walked back to their neighborhood using the flashlight Sooyoung brought. Apparently, everyone thought her to be missing and were on the search for her. The kids and Jihye were at home explaining that Heewon saw Sangah running out but decided to wait for her to come back only for hours to pass and no sign of Yoo Sangah. And hence, Sooyoung, Heewon, Hyunsung and Hayoung had gone out searching all over for her.

Sooyoung had completely forgotten about that. They had walked back silently, with the only communication being holding each other's hands. She started calling Heewon’s number immediately.

“You found her?? Where?? Is she okay? I’m coming back right now!” she could hear Heewon’s loud and agitated voice from her phone. She felt guilty for making them worry like this but she really didn’t think they would dispatch a search party for her. When she thought about it, it was indeed very scary for the party members, to be worried if one of them went missing. It was like taking the knife lodged in a heart and twisting it. Sangah made a mental note of always informing them about her whereabouts. They could maybe create a group chat.

After they came back, after Heewon, Hyunsung and Hayoung triple checked Sangah for injuries and asked her multiple times if she was fine, after she replied with the explanation that she had come up with, (Sooyoung didn’t mention the rooftop), after they all cleaned up - they sat together to have dinner.

She had missed this so much. Talking with the party members, teasing Jihye, watching Hyunsung fuss over the kids, Sooyoung bickering lightly with Heewon, and Hayoung's easy smile. She missed doing this so she asked them if they could do this every night.

“Only if Sangah-ssi takes the responsibility of dragging everyone in on time.” Heewon grinned.

“And no using the group chat!” Jihye warned her.

—

Back in their room, Sangah leaned against the wall and continued reading the romance novel she had started yesterday night. It was about an aspiring actress who was arranged to marry the richest business man in the city. It was a grumpy girl and a sunshine boy, a dynamic that she grew to like. And the man was failing terribly at flirting with the girl and hence she was curious how he would try to win her over.

“Hey Yoo Sangah, stop reading that trash from now on.” Sooyoung called out. Was this her way of initiating conversation?

“Weren’t you reading the same thing last week?”

“I’ll write a better one.”

Chapter Text

After one month of Kim Dokja’s disappearance, Sooyoung and Sangah became quite close. They were not close in the sense that people would expect, if anyone saw them doing something together, they would just think that the two of them were people who are forced to spend time with each other. Like roommates who have no choice but to live with each other. Like friends who had no one else to hang out with.

And perhaps, they were that. But they were also two people who liked being in each other’s presence, roommates who lived peacefully, friends who were always there for each other.

Sangah wondered how long their grief would stick to them. It hadn’t gotten much better. She saw Gilyeong and Yoosung sitting silently without talking, staring at the wall when she went to check on them sometimes. Their school would be starting tomorrow and she hoped that would bring some change. They were kids after all and even if they strongly felt the pain of losing, it would be easier to move on.

Jihye seemed to be doing better than any of them, Sangah always saw her at the record shop where Hayoung got a part time job. She seemed to be genuinely interested in music and the shop, it suited her too. But it couldn’t be said the same about Heewon and Hyunsung, she saw them fighting now and then, mostly about the kids or sometimes about their jobs. Hyunsung tried working in the police for a while until he started freezing up mid shifts for a long time and had to leave.

Heewon used to sit at the home with kids, Sangah would see her staring at the door itching to run away, and eventually she did. She marched up to the nearest convenience store and asked them if they needed some help. They were fully staffed at that time but of course, no one could refuse Jung Heewon when she’s mad. Sangah can still see flames swirling around her sometimes.

“Hey listen, are qipao and garter belts really hot?” Sooyoung called out to her from her desk which she installed in their room recently.

“I would assume the material would make someone very sweaty.”

Sooyoung stares at her. “That’s not what I meant. But okay I’ll take it.”

“Is it for the thing that you’re writing?”

“It’s not a thing, I told you it’s a romance novel.”

“But Sooyoung-ssi has never been in a relationship?”

“I knew you were dumb, I didn’t know you were this dumb.”

“No, I mean. It’s not a fantasy is it? You can’t make up things, shouldn’t you at least be a bit interested in all these to write about it?”

“Hey! Who said I’m not interested! A person doesn’t need to be a good looking one like you to be interested in romance! Normal people are interested too, you know…”

“I never said that though…”

“Just wait until I finish this thing and I’ll show you.”

Sangah really couldn’t wait. All Sooyoung does with her time is eat and write, or maybe read sometimes. It worried her at first, when she saw her hunched up with her laptop and typing for a long time. Sangah had thought she was resuming Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint and writing more about Kim Dokja. But apparently it was a romance novel. She still couldn’t shake off the suspecting feeling.

The anticipation for it has been built so much with Sooyoung’s random questions and her thoughts that she says out loud to no one in particular. Sangah even tried to take a peek at her laptop when she wasn’t in her room. All she could make out was “Accidentally Married to Side Character” among other lists of titles before getting tackled to a bed.

“I. will. kill. You.” Sooyoung huffs from above her, holding her down using the collar of her shirt. She shakes her some five or fifteen times before moving off her and shutting the laptop close.

“Are you so desperate to read that you forget about not looking through someone else’s things?”

“Oh, I’m sorry! The laptop was just open…” She smiled coyly at her.

“Hey!!!” Sooyoung shouted. “But anyways, what the hell, this is unlike you.” She fixed her with a suspicious gaze.

She flushed. It was indeed unlike her and she didn’t know the reason behind her actions or her words. Maybe she needed to work more to stop thinking about Sooyoung and her writing. Sooyoung’s writing. Not the person. Just the writing. She liked reading. She only wants to read and nothing more.

She yelped as she got flicked on her forehead.

“ You should stop spacing out when I’m talking.”

Huh… What was the time? She needed to leave to get to Seolhwa’s hospital for her shift.

“Ack, I’m late for work. See you later Sooyoung-ah. Sorry for looking through your things, I’ll not do that again. Have fun writing!” she says and runs out of the room while grabbing her bag.

“What’s gotten into her?”

—

Sangah had been going to Seolhwa’s hospital for the past two weeks. Just like she promised, she has been helping them run the hospital and also set up the school. It was a lot of work but she was glad that she had something useful to do. Seolhwa and Aileen were also very pleasant people to be around.

Both women were so passionate, so driven about their work - it made Sangah a bit guilty and also inspired at the same time. She liked working with Seolhwa especially, she would go along with her on rounds of the hospital, noting down things to be fixed or improved or documenting the patient’s details. They did this everyday before sitting down for lunch and chatting about anything and nothing.

Seolhwa, though only a few years older than Sangah, seemed so experienced and more mature than her. She liked listening to her talk about medical repercussions of having no more scenarios and Dokkaebi Bag medicines that are now rare and capitalization of the medical industry and how she wished she had her scenario skills. Sangah would also talk a lot more than how much she did at home, she felt like Seolhwa was the only person who could comfort her without breaking down herself.

“Have you been reading anything interesting Sangah-ssi?” she asked her today.

“Ah, I haven’t been reading much to be honest. I’m waiting for some of my favorite ones to get updated before I read.”

“Aaah, sorry if Sangah-ssi is finding this work too tiring. You don’t have to feel bad about stopping it!”

“No, no. I’m just not interested in new novels now haha.”

“I should try them out sometime. All I have is cookbooks at home!”

Lee Seolwa really was such a fun person to hangout with. She even offered Sangah to teach her basic cooking when she told her that she might join a class for it.

“Oh! Did you want to take that Simple Breakfast one sometime? I actually made one of those recipes today!” Seolhwa said and walked over to her bag. “I think it’s a good one to start with, the ingredients are also very basic ones.”

She has already been watching pre-scenario vlogs of making bento boxes and easy lunch recipes. If cooking is just like how they show in them, then Sangah thought that it wouldn’t be so hard. She couldn’t wait to surprise her family with a dinner made by her. She also looked forward to feeding more nutrients to Sooyoung.

Seolhwa came back with another packed box and opened it. She had made a custard pudding filled with many fruits and a layer of biscuits.

“How does Seolhwa-ssi find the time to make this?” she asked amazedly. It looked delicious.

“Heh, I have nothing else to do at home!”

“I envy your hands…”

“Do you want to taste these from my hands too? There’s only one spoon!” Seolhwa scooped up the pudding and held it out, giggling. Sangah wondered if she liked ice cream and going to the beach.

She ate the held out pudding and gasped. It had the perfect amount of sweetness that she liked and the right intensity of flavor too. Maybe Lee Seolhwa should change her profession…

“Seolhwa-ssi this is just -”

A door opened, someone came in and kept something on the floor, and left.

“Hey! Who is it? Excuse me!” Seolhwa ran and went to the door.

Sangah of course knew who exactly it was. Small, short hair, her lunch box on the floor.

—

Sooyoung didn’t like what she was feeling. It felt like Kim Dokja. She couldn’t explain it. Was it betrayal that she felt in her throat, or the burning feeling of jealousy, or was it, a deep longing that she craved for so long and felt almost close to experiencing that vanished away in a few seconds?

She wished she didn’t come to the hospital to give Yoo Sangah her lunch. She wished she didn’t care about her forgetting and skipping her meals. She wished to not overhear their conversation. She wished, despite all the broken dreams, that… What exactly did she want from her roommate?

She wasn't sure what Sangah was to her. She was definitely more than a friend, in the sense that she felt impeccable caring towards her. She had the urge to pet her sometimes and keep her in their room always.

It closely resembled the urge of chaining Kim Dokja to herself lest he tried to run away again. But this time, she wasn’t afraid of Sangah running away so it felt a tad bit safe.

She walked back quietly to their house and shut herself in their room.

She opened up her drafting document and started typing away about her two characters Kang Dongyeon and Yun Jeonghan strangling each other for the nth time.

Why exactly did Lee Seolhwa have to feed her? And why is Sooyoung feeling bitter about it?

She and Sangah have dinner every day and not a single time has she considered doing that, so why did the other woman have to get there first?

And why does Sangah keep going back to that damn hospital? Surely she doesn’t enjoy the work there. Perhaps it’s for Seolhwa? Is she so bad as a roommate that she had to find another company during the day?

It frustrated Sooyoung up to no end. Or in other words, she felt lonely right then.

It wasn’t like Sangah openly expressed her distaste towards Sooyoung after all that happened but she was pretty sure she did that multiple times before. If she remembered correctly, she hated her when she first met her. So what changed now?

Was it pity? Or is it charity, like the thing Sangah seems to be doing right now at the hospital.

She was grateful for Sangah’s presence during her mood swings and outbursts and isolation, but she also felt angry.

She has been feeling angry at so many things, starting from Kim Dokja’s existence itself, to every single thing about this world and life they are forced to lead. She found it so easy to blame things on him specifically. Sometimes it makes her hate herself but who else has she got to blame?

Sooyoung doesn’t feel like finishing the draft anymore. She was almost about to end this arc, where her two main characters are forced into an arranged marriage in the middle of solving a murder mystery while in the middle of an ongoing civil war in their country and have to share a bed for the first time together for their wedding night. She was quite enjoying writing the scenes but once she wrote out their fight and proceeded into comfortable domestic acts, she started hating it.

Someone starts banging on her door.

She hoped, and expected, to see Yoo Sangah standing there but of course at this point, her wishes are pointless.

It was just Lee Jihye asking for the seat warmer that she borrowed.

“Do you ever get out of this room, Sooyoung noona?”

“Take this and leave.”

Jihye scowls. “Are you on your period?”

She shuts the door on her face and falls on her bed.

Hours later, Sangah trickles into the room slowly, trying not to wake Sooyoung up.

They don’t talk of it but they remember, a new feeling started settling on both of their bones ever since.

—

They push the beds together. It’s easier to watch this way. And that’s what she tells herself when Sooyoung comes closer into her space. The screen is small and therefore, they both have to sit close so that they can watch it properly.

But she can’t bring herself to think that when Sooyoung uses her arm to muffle her giggles. She can’t explain the way her head falls on her shoulder when they lie down and continue watching. She can’t help but enjoy the way her body feels next to hers.

“I can’t believe that bastard fell for it!” Sooyoung laughs once more, in that way of hers, she cannot pinpoint what it is but, that’s not normally how people laugh. Something about the sound she makes is so different, so unique that she wants to record a bit of it and examine it herself. Is it a laugh, or is there a whine, or a scream, or a hiss mixed in?

Every laugh of hers seemed different from the ones before.

“Yoo Sangah, what are you daydreaming about?” She knocks on her forehead. But she doesn’t wait for an answer and gets sucked in by the movie once again.

Sangah isn’t daydreaming, she just can’t focus.

When Sooyoung falls asleep with the movie still running, she lies down in front of her and strokes her hair.

She realized that she wanted to read Sooyoung’s romance novel very, very badly.