Chapter Text

1999

When Lexa grew up there was always this one constant in her life: the blue door. Even when her dad left and everything started to fall apart, the door was always there and always as blue as the sky.

She would sometimes sit on the door steps in front of their tiny house and just look at the door, fascinated not only by the color but also by how perfectly it was painted. Once a year a man came out of the house and put newspapers on the ground and then he would sit there, painting the door in the most beautiful shade of blue there was.

Lexa liked to watch him, especially after her own father left. She knew how careful he mixed the paint and how long it would take him to finish the whole door. Lexa would hide behind her curtains when the man turned around, but she was always watching. After he was finished he always called out to his wife and little daughter, so they could come out and look at the wonderful job he'd done. The little girl would laugh and try to touch the freshly painted wood, and the mother would just give him a little smile and go back inside, shaking her head.

These days, usually early in April, and always on a sunday, were some of Lexas favorite memories. She'd never really talked to the family altough she knew who they were. The Griffins had moved to her street when she was only a few years old, and their daughter Clarke was about the same age as Lexa. They weren't really rich, living in Lexas neighborhood and all, but the fact that they painted their door made them different, at least in Lexa's eyes.
Every other door was either plain white or not painted at all, and more often than not, the paint was flaking off the wood. Most people didn'd have the money and time to paint their doors, or they didn't care about how it looked at all.

*

So there Lexa was, sitting on her door step in this grey, hopeless street, looking at the wonderful blue door a few meters over. She was waiting for her mom to come home from work, which she did every day, just that today, she'd forgot her key and had to wait outside.

But Lexa didn't mind.

She actually liked to be outside, if only other humans would leave her alone. She didn't like to talk to other people, especially other kids, so it happened that she didn't have a lot of friends. She knew the other kids who lived in this street would play together sometimes, but she was too shy to join them on their own, and her mom never cared enough to introduce her to other children.

As she sat there, braiding her hair for fun, she heard a car coming closer. She looked up startled and ducked her head. It was the Griffin family in their old car. In it were Clarke and her mother, she must have just picked her up from school. Lexa wished she could turn invisible, because as soon as Clarke jumped out of the car, she ran over to her.

„Hey, who are you?“, she asked, looking at her curiously.

Lexa bit her lip and stared at her, frightened. „Eh... I... Lexa“, she finally said. Clarke started smiling brightly.

„Hello Lexa, I'm Clarke“, she said smiling, remembering her manners. She looked briefly at her mom, who grinned proudly. „You live here, right?“ Clarke pointed to Lexas house. „I've never seen you outside though! Aren't you allowed outside to play?“ Clarke started to pout a little.

Lexa shook her head and looked at Clarke. „No, I... I don't want to... I mean...“ She trailed off, not sure how to explain.

Clarke looked at her, surprised. „What do you mean, you don't want to play?“ She pulled on one of her blonde locks, clearly confused.

Lexa sighed softly. This was why she hated talking to people. She always had to explain things. Why she couldn't read as well as the other kids, why she never brought any lunch, where her dad was, where her mom worked....

But with Clarke, she wanted to try. Lexa thought about what she wanted to say, how to explain herself in a way that Clarke would understand her. Maybe then she'd stop looking at her like she was some basket case.

„I... don't like strangers“, she said finally and looked at Clarke questioningly. She hoped so much that the other girl would just know what she meant.

Clarke turned her head this way and that, analysing Lexa's words. Then a huge smile spread over her face, lighting up her eyes.
„But that's great, because I'm not a stranger anymore!“ She looked at Lexa like Christmas came early, and Lexa couldn't help but smile too.

„Clarke, princess, come on, we're having dinner soon!“, Clarke's mom called then, interrupting the the two girls.

„Alright mom, I'm coming!“ Clarke turned around, pulling at a strand of her hair again. „See you tomorrow?“, she asked unsure.

Lexa nodded and smiles. „Alright. Goodbye, Clarke.“ She gave a tiny wave and watched Clarke's skipping steps until the door closed behind her.

Now she knew why Clarke's father used the exact same shade of paint every year. Because this blue was the color of his daughters eyes, and they were the most beautiful color Lexa had ever seen.

*

When Lexa came home the next day, she was as excited as she'd ever been. She sat on her front step and waited, even though she had packed her key that morning. And while she sat there, giddy and happy to finally have a friend and play outside for once, night fell. She waited and waited, but no car came, and the lights in the house with the blue door stayed dark. When her mom came home a few hours later, she was very mad to find Lexa outside again.

„Did you forget your key again? You're such a useless child!“, her mother said angrily, pushing her inside the house.

„No mom, I'm waiting for my new friend!“, Lexa pleaded silently, not wanting to show too much emotion, because her mom would definitely hit her if she cried now.

„Bullshit, you don't have any friends“, her mom yelled and Lexa ducked, to get out of her way. She ran to her room, followed by the swearing of her mother, which became more and more slurred as she opened the first bottle of wine for the night.

Lexa forced herself not to cry as she was sitting in front of her window, waiting and waiting for Clarke to come back. When she finally fell asleep, her head on top of her arms on the windowsill, the blue door was as grey as everything else in the darkness.

*

Clarke did come back eventually. And so did her mom. But Lexa never saw Clarkes father again. A few days later, Lexa overheard her mother talking to a neighbor, and they said that Clarkes father had died in a car crash.

That meant he wouldn't come back, right? Just like her own dad.

Lexa imagined comforting Clarke when she next saw her, but when she actually did speak to her again, everything went wrong.

It was a few days after the accident, and Lexa was waiting in front of her house again, hoping Clarke would turn up soon. When she did, Lexa got up on her feet to greet her, but Clarke didn't even really look at her.

„Hey Clarke-“, she said quietly, but Clarke only shook her head, tears in her eyes.

„Right now, I don't like to talk to strangers“, she said, not looking Lexa in the eyes at all.

Lexa swallowed, because that sounded too much like what she had said just days ago, before all of this happened.

„A-alright...“, she stammered and watched Clarke enter her house.

„Sorry Sweetheart“, Clarke's mom said to her, looking sad and exhausted and not at all like the happy mom Lexa always imaniged her to be. She only nodded and went back home.

Later, when she was lying in her bed and trying to ignore the rumble of her stomach, she thought about Clarke's eyes and how they had looked like clouds in a thunderstorm, almost all of the beautiful blue covered by the grey of tears and pain and loss.

She wouldn't see Clarke again for a long, long time.

Chapter Text

2015

„Raven, where the fuck are you?“ Lexa wiped her grimy hands on her dark blue overall and looked around. She had just finished the repairs on the car in front of her, and her boss was nowhere to be seen.

„Here, no reason to use such foul language!“ Raven could be heard from the tiny office right next to the hall where they fixed the cars.

„Oh shut up“, Lexa said, rolling her eyes.
She went into the office, signing the papers of the car and falling down on the second chair in there. „Can I be done for the day?“

Raven kicked her leg playfully. „You didn't even work for that long...“

„Fuck off, Reyes!“ Lexa couldn't help but grin a little bit.

„Oh come on, I know you love me!“ Raven cried out, one hand over her heart.

Lexa snorted slightly and shook her head. „In your dreams...“

„Oh yes, you got me, Lex! I'm deeply in love with you, you hot piece of -“

Lexa, turning only slightly red, stopped her with her hand over Ravens mouth. „Shut up, stupid!“
Raven stopped talking, but grinned wildly.

„You know...“, she said after a while. „If I didn't know you, I'd think you were just some sassy and antisocial weirdo...“ She was laughing.

„I am a sassy and antisocial weirdo, Raven“, Lexa interrupted, grinning slightly.

„I know, honey, but undeaneath it all you're just a little cinnamon roll. Shy and just a little bit prude... enough to seem cute and mysterious...“ Raven tried to get away in time, but Lexa had already hit her with some papers lying around.

„Hey, those could be important!“

„Well, clean up after yourself then, Reyes!“

Lexa grumbled, trying to walk away. But Raven didn't want to let her go that easily. She caught Lexa around the waist and pulled her in her lap.

„You know I'm only kidding, right?“

Lexa sighed and nodded, slowly relaxing in Ravens arms. „Yes I do. I'm trying, okay?“

Raven smiled a little. „Yes, I know, Lex...“
She squeezed her lightly and pressed a small kiss on Lexas warm shoulder, which made the other girl squirm slightly.

„Sorry, sorry.. alright... go on then, sugarplum...“ Raven giggled softly. She loved to annoy Lexa, but she also wanted her to know that she was always there for her.
Lexa rolled her eyes and left the shop quickly, looking down on the pavement the whole way back home, thinking.

*

Raven bit her lip as she watched her friend go. She was really trying to figure out Lexa.

They had known each other for a few years now, she had met her at a shabby gay bar downtown, where Lexa tried to figure out who she was and what she wanted.

Raven had to admit that she definitely wanted to get into Lexa's pants when she first met her, but by now there was nothing but friendly affection for the younger girl. She wanted to protect her and keep her safe and happy, even though it was sometimes quite hard for her to understand her friend. She knew that Lexa didn't have the best childhood or youth for that matter, and that she didn't have any friends or family to speak of. Her mother just went away one day and never came back, and Raven wasn't sure if Lexa missed her or not.
To be honest she thought that Lexa probably didn't know herself.

But on that night, when she saw this beautiful and beautifully broken girl sit there at the bar, shyly looking at other people, Raven knew she wanted to be part of her life, one way or another.

She had walked up to her, scaring away any other person who wanted to try anything, and in the end, she had taken her home, because Lexa had had nowhere else to go. They had talked for a little bit, and in the end Lexa had cried, desperately trying to keep her sobs quiet, shaking and looking at Raven like she was the very first person to care for Lexa in a long, long time.

And she probably had been. And still she cared for Lexa, more than for any other person in the whole world.
Raven sighed and got back to work.

*

When Lexa arrived at her house, she didn't even notice anything different. She still lived in the same house she grew up in, only that now Raven owned it and lived there too.

It was still a shabby neighborhood, but back when Lexa's mom had taken off, Raven had thought it would be a good idea for Lexa to stay in a familiar place. It was also conveniently close to Ravens workshop, so she bought it for a lot less money than she had expected.

They had even fixed it all up together.

From the outside, it still looked fucked up, but on the inside, they had made a home. Lexa smiled at the thought of Raven with a paintbrush. Raven liked painting the walls and changed the colors of their kitchen's wall at least once a year. Grinning, Lexa put the key into the keyhole of their very red door. She always made sure they repainted it in the spring. Raven never understood, but Lexa let her choose the color of the door, so she never complained.

Lexa liked red. And she liked her front door painted nicely.

Not in blue though. Never in blue, especially not in that faint sky blue that she had learned to despise... at least that's what she told herself whenever she looked at the door of that one house at the end of the street. The door was still blue, but it hadn't been painted for years and years, and nobody lived there right now.

That's when Lexa stopped dead in her tracks. Something was wrong with this picture.
She had come home like this a million times, always looking at the door with the flaked blue paint, but this time, something was differnt: there was a car in front of the house.

Lexa turned around and went the few steps down her driveway to take a closer look.
It couldn't be. They couldn't have sold the house. It had been empty for over a decade and Lexa wanted it to stay this way.
She went even closer, key still in her hand, and then her breath stopped.
Out of the house with the fading blue door came a young woman with curly blonde hair, smiling at someone else behind her. But Lexa didn't care for anyone else, because this was... Clarke. Clarke Griffin.

And now Clarke was turning around, looking directly at her. She could see the surprise on her face, and when Clarke opened her mouth, Lexa could hear her even though she was only whispering.

„Lexa?“

Chapter Text

Still 2015

…

„Lexa?“

She heard her name and she could see Clarke staring at her, surprised.
But she couldn't believe what was happening.

She could not believe that Clarke was back.

That girl that she never really got to know. The one friend she never had.

Lexa had spent thousands of hours imagining a friendship with Clarke. Adventures and sleepovers and so, so much happiness.

But Clarke had moved away. After her father had died, her mother had taken her away from Lexa, and all that she had left were those unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

Lexa turned around, and walked briskly up the steps to her house, not turning around. Not even when Clarke called after her and she heard the other girl – her friend? - asking confused questions.

She kept walking until she was in her room, laying down on the bed, closing her eyes and putting her headphones on. She tried to breathe evenly, to push away all those feelings, just as she had always done when she was a kid.

But Raven was in her life now, and she had shown Lexa so many good emotions. Raven had made her see how beautiful life could be, and that not everyone was out to hurt or disappoint her (she still din't trust anybody but Raven, but still). It felt so good to feel friendship and trust and to laugh so much your tummy hurt...

So why did it hurt so much so see Clarke now?

*

When Raven returned from work that night, she found two girls sitting in front of her house. Confused, she walked up to them.

„Uh... can I help you?“

The blonde looked up hopefully. „Yes! Do you know the person who lives in this house?“

Raven grinned slightly. „I live here. And Lex, of course...“ Her grin turned in a smile.

„You- oh! You live together? Are you-?“ The blonde girl seemed to catch herself before she could ask anything too invasive to their privacy and blushed a little bit. Raven thought she was very cute, but the other girl was way cuter.

„No, we're not. I'm Raven, by the way.“

The blonde girl got pushed away by her friend, who grinned brightly at Raven. „I'm Octavia. And this is Clarke. We've been sitting here for ages, waiting for your housemate to come out.“

Raven frowned. „You're waiting for Lexa?“

Clarke nodded excited. „Yes! We saw her before, but she went inside and doesn't answer the door.“

Raven hesitated for a few second. „Do you know Lexa?“, she asked carefully.

„Uh, yes. Kind of. I lived here when I was a kid. In that house over there, the one with the blue door...“ She smiled sadly. „And Lexa and I, we were friends... well, almost... I just wanted to say hello...“ She shrugged helplessly.

„Alright“, Raven nodded. „I'm going to talk to her. Uh- can you stay here for a sec?“

Both girls nodded patiently, Octavia looking Raven up and down.
Raven grinned slightly, but then she shook her head and went inside the house. On her way up the stairs she thought about what Clarke had said.

It all made sense now.

Why Lexa always looked at that damned house. Why she insisted to have the door painted. Why she didn't have any friends. Why she didn't want to let anyone close to her.

Raven closed her eyes briefly, then she knocked on Lexa's door. After a few minutes and no answer, she entered the room and found Lexa lying on top of her bed, asleep with her headphones on. There were dried tears on her cheeks and her usually braided hair was completely messed up.

A wave of affection for her friend hit Raven and she sat down on the edge of the bed.
„Hey pretty...“, she said softly, running her hand over Lexas arm. Lexa's eyes fluttered open. She rubbed her eyes and removed her headphones. „Raven?“

Raven nodded and smiled. „The one and only.“ She waited a few more minutes to let Lexa wake up completely. „So... there are two gorgeous girls outside our front door... and you didn't invite me?“

Lexa moaned unhappyly and covered her eyes with her hands. „Fuck. Clarke. Here.“
Raven nodded and just looked at Lexa expectantly.

„Spit it out, Lex!“

Lexa sighted and sat up. „What did they tell you?“

„That you wouldn't open the door. And that Clarke chick said you were her long lost bestie... not in so many words, but she did seem upset. Why did you never tell me about her?“

Lexa bit her lip. „I hardly knew her. There wasn't much to tell. We talked one time, and then she moved away.“

Raven doubted that greatly. She was confused about the whole story, especially because both Lexa and Clarke remembered each other so clearly from what must have been at least ten years ago. They also both seemed very important to each other – Lexa wanting to ignore and forget Clarke and Clarke really wanting to meet Lexa... both very weird kinds of behavior for people who never really were friends. Raven was getting a headache.

„Come on, let's go downstairs.“

Lexa nodded, reluctantly. „Just give me a second...“

Raven went downstairs and let the two girls in, then she went and made some tea while Clarke and Octavia looked around the house curiously. Raven grinned slightly as Lexa came down the stairs. She had fixed up her hair and washed her face, so that she now looked as stunning as ever.

Clake looked at her like a lost puppy and even Octavia seemed taken aback a little, her cheeky mouth staying closed for once. Raven decided to watch and observe for now.

„Hey...“, said Lexa, standing at the end of the stairs, wringing her hands self-consciously.

Clarke carefully took a step closer and smiled. „Hey Lexa, it's me, Clarke... do you remember me?“, she asked,

Lexa nodded once. „Yes... of course I remember you... You wanted to be my friend... no one ever did that before... or after, really...“, she said, not aware of how sad that sounded.

„Oi, what about me?“ Raven was grinning wildly now and went to hug Lexa. „I'm your friend.“

Lexa smiled, even though she still wasn't used to the hugs and cuddles Raven wanted her to participate in. „Yes, you are... and... uh... hi?“ She only now seemed to realise that there was someone else in their living room as well.

Octavia lifted one of her perfect eyebrows. „Octavia's the name. Nice to finally meet you, Lexa. Clarke still talks about you...“ She sighed exasperated.

„What, I don't!“ Clarke turned a nice shade of red and seemed close to panicking now. „I really don't! That would be... weird, wouldn't it?“ She asked with big eyes, looking innocently at Lexa and Raven.

„Yeah, tell me about it...“, Octavia mumbled and Raven had to hide a smile.

Lexa swallowed hard. „Well... tea?“

The other three girls smiled thankfully and all went to sit down at the small table in the living room, where Raven and Lexa served hot tea and cookies. They started talking and soon found out that they fit quite well together as a goup. Raven immediately liked both Clarke and Octavia. Octavia was hot, which was always a plus. And Clarke made Lexa smile in a way Raven had never seen before, so she definitely wanted to keep her.

„So, you guys are here to stay? Or what were you doing at your old house before?“ Raven asked a little while later, leaning back against the couch. They were all sitting on the floor by now, because their fluffy carpet was just more comfortable than the old sofa. There were lots of pillows and blankets, so each girl was snuggled up in her own little nest of warmth.

„Yeah, I actually wanted to move here...“, Clarke said and smiled at Lexa. „We just finished collge and were looking for a cheap place to live... and my mom never sold the house...“ She shrugged.

„It's close enough to the city center and I already like the neighbors“, Octavia piped in, grinning suggestive at Raven. „I think we should move in right away...“

Clarke only shook her head at her friend. „Well, it's a lot of work, but look at this house, it's perfect... I'm sure we can manage to make it comfy...“

„We'll help, won't we, Raven?“ Lexa spoke up, still looking happy and relaxed.

Raven just nodded. „Sure we will. This is going to be awesome!“

As they talked about other things Lexa couldn't help but be as happy as she never thought she would be. Not only was Clarke back, but she was there to stay.
And Octavia was very nice, and she managed to shut up Raven, which had been unheard of before.

She looked at her one old friend and her two new friends and just reveled in that feeling of hope and contentment that she felt right now. Her mom definitely had been wrong, feelings weren't a weakness, they were a blessing. Something to make you stronger.

And if seeing Clarke's eyes had made her like blue again, that was just another part of a deep friendship that they would hopefully soon have. And so was the the slightly dizzy feeling she got when Clarke was looking at her or smiling in that breathtaking way...
All completely normal, Lexa assured herself mentally and just smiled back at her almost-childhood-friend.

Raven, sitting next to her, only shook her head. This would be hard work, but it would definitely be fun.