Work Text:
Collei is stupid.
She’s so very, very stupid.
From the stupid way she talks to the stupid way she thinks, she’s a stupid person and it’s not because of her childhood, or her disorders, it's her. She was always a stupid child and now she's grown into a stupid teenager, and no doubt this’ll carry on to her adulthood and then senior years. She will always be behind everyone in intelligence, never catching up.
She doesn’t comprehend most words, she knows them but it takes a couple seconds, if not minutes, longer than everyone else to understand them. She doesn't know basic math, she can barely write a sentence without misspelling something, she’s not very creative, she doesn’t understand certain terms, terms that others have known since early childhood. Everyone denies the obvious fact, telling her that they ‘love her and would never agree with something so clearly wrong’ but she can tell they silently agree. The way they talk down to her, explaining everything assuming she wouldn't know, leaving her out in complicated sounding conversations, barely listening to the very little things she knows in the form of subjects she’s passionate about, they don’t listen because the subjects are ‘stupid’ and ‘childish’. She knows this so she doesn't understand why it hurts so much.
Collei knows it may not be conscious choices that they choose to make, but it’s tiny things like that, things that a normal person would brush over, things that a normal person wouldn’t even notice. She hates that her brain does that, that it takes in everything happening around her and twists it into something it's not. When her brain twists things it makes her lash out on people, people she loves, people she holds close to her. She gets so wrapped up in her delusions of false hatred and disinterest, or abandonment. The faux abandonment is worse than any other delusion (in her opinion), it makes her scream, and cry, and hit, it’s like she turns into a fucking child when she even gets the slightest hint that someone's leaving, whether it be leaving to get groceries or leaving permanently. She can’t control herself when she gets angry and it scares her, she’ll scream the most vulgar, hurtful things to people she cherishes and she can never stop. She feels as though her body isn’t her own at those times, like she’s just watching someone possess her and ruin her life. Kaveh is the only person that doesn't take her abuse to heart but she doesn't understand why, he should get angry, scream back at her and tell her how horrible she is but he doesn't. He waits till she calms and then holds her as she cries, he's always reassuring her and she doesn't know why. She doesn't know anything so honestly she isn't surprised.
She always feels so much but she’s never able to properly express what she’s feeling, or thinking, or doing. She can never explain anything because she’s fucking stupid and nothing she ever does will change the fact that she was born to be a stupid person.
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