Archive of Our Own ^beta

It only happens once in a blue moon. If Izzy´s being honest, he doesn´t even know how often they´ve done it by now. These days his memories are kind of hazy. Everything is a blur.

They fall into bed together now and again. And it´s not the wild, hard and rough sex you might expect from two rockstars on the brink of world domination. Not at all. No, it´s soft and slow and oh so fragile. Everything he´s not sure he needs. It´s comfort more than anything.

Sometimes he really thinks it´s kind of funny. How they fit together, that is. Duff and him.

If he wanted anything else, he could get it anywhere. Any time. If Duff wanted that, he could too. But they´ve known each other for a while now, been through thick and thin and this is familiar. And maybe, just maybe, Duff is just as lost as he is.

It usually goes like this: tour buses, stadiums, screaming fans, backstage areas, drinks, drinks, drinks, maybe a little bit of something else too, choose a girl or not, hotel rooms, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat.

Sometimes, there´s a knock at his door. It usually only happens when it´s very late or when they´re very drunk. Duff will keep himself up by folding himself into the doorframe and struggle a little to find his footing once Izzy lets him in. He´ll tumble down on the bed and they´ll just lie there together for a little while with neither of them saying a word. It´s weirdly calming.

‘Did you see that chick down at the front?’ One of them will ask and the other will nod in acknowledgement. Yeah, always some chick down at the front. Probably with Axl right now.

‘Good show.’ Right. It was a good show. It´s the bad ones that stand out.

They´ll lie there in silence and decompress and that is their thing. And when they are half-asleep, barely still conscious and so overly tired from everything this strange new life has to offer, they´ll somehow inch closer and closer. Izzy´s never sure how it happens. Or who had started it in the first place.

Duff will curl into his side and rest his head against Izzy´s shoulder and Izzy knows then that it´s one of those nights again. His hand will somehow wander up, fingers tangling in Duff´s hair and Duff will fall against him, press himself close.

He had stalled the first time they had done this, feeling weirdly inexperienced and young. Then Duff´s leg had slid between his and Izzy had felt that he was not the only one who was so affected by it all and it had been all over from there.

They never go very far. More often than not, Duff will lie down on top of him after a little while and they´ll just rut against each other, still clothed. And it will be enough – just enough – for Izzy to go to sleep sated and only hate himself a little bit in the morning.

Other times, it´s different. Other times, they´ll manage to undress properly. Izzy will feel Duff against himself – skin on skin – and he´ll curiously take note of all the parts of him that he isn´t supposed to know as much about as he does. He´ll hear Duff panting and whimpering as they carry on and he´ll catalogue every little sound involuntarily even though he wishes he wouldn´t.

It´s the kissing that gets him. The way Duff´s mouth will open for him and how their tongues will slide against each other. The little gasps he can hear and that he knows for a fact are not coming from him. Yeah, Izzy could really deal with everything else. But the kissing is the most unexpected.

The novelty of doing this with another guy is never wearing off. It´s not that he´s ashamed…but things are just different. In the beginning he had felt self-conscious under Duff´s gaze. By now, it´s almost second nature to see each other naked. It´s strange to think that if everything else failed, he could always identify Duff by the little mole that sits low on his hip. Even more surreal, that he so intimately knows the feel of Duff´s cock under his hand.

Yeah, they never do it fast. They´ll always and forever take their time. Touch each other in places they shouldn´t touch. Izzy´s hands stray far too often. Not even seeking out normal places - reaching for Duff´s ass or down between his legs - but rather resting over his heart. And then, when it´s just enough – when they´re right at the edge, on the brink of toppling over – Duff will seek out his mouth again and moan into the kiss, speed up just a little before stilling. And Izzy will feel the effects of it all over his stomach or his hand or, that one time, his ass. He´ll follow right behind. There´s never any question about it.

Duff just doesn´t stop. That´s the thing about him and the thing that makes Izzy feel strange sometimes. They´ll lie there covered in the remnants of their missteps and maybe there´ll be a shirt or the corner of a bedsheet that can be used for clean-up, but more often than not, there´s nothing. And Duff won´t care. He´ll still keep kissing Izzy, even after they´ve both long come down and until Izzy feels sluggish and dead tired and his eyelids fall shut on every second exhale.

Duff will finish off with a little peck to his cheek and they´ll cuddle together under Izzy´s blanket and fall asleep just like that. Izzy´s hand on Duff´s hip and one leg trapped between freakishly long calves.

By now Izzy knows all the little sounds Duff makes when he´s sleeping, the way his chest will rise and fall underneath Izzy´s fingertips and the way he´ll blink awake in the morning looking for all the world like some kid that had just stumbled into this mess without really knowing what he had been in for. And Izzy can relate.

It feels like it´s been a long time that they´ve known each other, but it´s really only been a few years. They´ve come very far and still have a long way to go.

This makes it easier sometimes. This makes it harder, too. Izzy´s not sure what it all means, just knows that he´s not out here by himself and for the moment that´s enough.