Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The air was still filled with blood and smoke as he stayed there, with his son in his arms, Spider holding tightly of his middle and Neteyam…his oldest, his pride and joy, taken in a blink of an eye and Jake didn’t know what to feel anymore. He was beyond torn. They were all crying when the inevitable happened. The sky was pierced like a thunder by strong, colorful wings, followed by a war cry and the last resort of a man gone to madness.

He was so out of it that he barely realized that Lo’ak was shouting his name, or that Spider keep yelling back and forth, trying to get him to move from that spot. All that commotions, yet his eyes couldn’t leave the lifeless body of Neteyam. He prayed to Eywa, he prayed to God that his son will just open his eyes and plaster on one of his usual bright smiles. But his son remained still as a stone. Without realizing it, tears took over his face in endless streams, blurring his vision. He wanted to bend down, reach out his hands to his son, hold him in his arms for the last time, but he knew that if he were to move from that place, nothing would make him let go.

The lightning wings continued to break the air and come closer and closer. Jake felt Spider clinging to his body even more, holding him with all his strength, only one name coming out of his lips. Quaritch. It was only at that moment that Jake woke up and regained contact with reality. He took a quick look at his family. Neytiri rushed over Neteyam's body, protecting him, Tuk hid behind her, Tsireya and Kiri looked at the sky with a fear unseen in his daughter's eyes. Lo'ak was also frozen, holding Jake's left arm with all his might. When Jake finally raised his head to the sky, he truly believed he had died and gone to hell.

Quaritch was barreling toward them from his bloodthirsty ikran. Jake was trying to put all the pieces together but he couldn't figure out how he got away with it. He had watched him lose consciousness, he had made sure that Quaritch stopped breathing when he had let him go in the dark and cold abyss of the bottom of the ocean. However, Quaritch was there, in the sky, like a plague that they would not escape no matter what they did. Spider surprised everyone. He had worked up the courage to break away from Jake, stepping to the edge of the cliff, waving his hands madly at the demon that was falling like a comet towards them. Desperation, that's what Jake heard when Spider shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Don't do this, dad! Go away! Go away! Leave them alone!" For a single split second, in the warm blue of the sky, the wings went out of sync and flew a bit to the left into the air. Jake saw the moment, he clung to it.

However, Spider's words remained unheard, and a fear unfelt in years had taken control over Jake, the blood freezing in his veins. He had to protect his family, even if he would give his last breath for it. In fractions of a second, he had thought of almost all the scenarios in which the fight between the two of them would take place, but nothing prepared him when he felt the ikran's sharp claws piercing the flesh of his shoulders, trying to lift him off the ground. A ferocious cry was torn from within him, fingers digging into the ikran's legs. He tried to scratch, even bite the creature, but it was in vain. Lo'ak was the only one who reacted in time, grabbing his father's legs, holding him to the ground, but the boy was already exhausted, and in a moment of inattention, the Ikran snatched Jake. He fought with everything he had, hit, scratched, but the ikran seemed unaffected, it seemed to be made of stone. He could feel its claws digging into his shoulder blades, claws tearing flash and scrapping bone. He couldn't even turn his head, look at his family for the last time, as he knew it would be the last time. He was trapped like a mouse, small and insignificant. Above him, he could hear Quaritch breathing heavily and laughing. A cold shivers ran down Jake's spine.

In front of them, an island had appeared, big enough for the ikran to hide among the vegetation and be unnoticed. The landing was as hard as the takeoff. Before he knew it, the ikran let go of Jake. He hit his head on some rocks, his body rubbing against the burning and sharp sand. He was exhausted, the wounds on the ship continued to bleed, his head felt swollen as if it could explode at any moment. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, and when he opened them Quaritch was there, almost drooling. He looked much worse than Jake, full of cuts, with the bruised eye swollen, but he had a glint in his eyes, one that promised death. He bend down and grabbed Jake by the scruff of his neck, lifting him to his knees. Quaritch's fingernails were drawing blood as Jake hissed in pain. The other hand had grabbed his hair, pulling hard, keeping his head and gaze directed at the monster in front of him.

"If you're gonna do it, do it quickly, you son of a bitch!" Jake spat out the words, his gaze darting at Quaritch.

The demon didn't move and didn't seem impressed. He was grinning like a madman, and Jake had thought that maybe all the salt water had really driven Quaritch crazy. The fingers stuck in the back of his neck slowly went down to his collarbone. They lingered there for a second before coiling around his neck. Quaritch pressed down laughing. Tight, tighter and tighter, but Jake didn't have the strength to fight back.

"I decide when it ends, boy! You're mine at last." His words tore something in Jake and he felt the vomit rise up. No, he couldn't go on like this, he couldn't prolong this. The real Quaritch would have cut his throat at that moment, without thought, without plans, without delays. This version, on the other hand, wanted revenge, and Jake wanted the earth to open up and swallow them both.

"There's only one thing keeping me from leaving you here in agony and returning directly to them, from crushing your remaining family under my hands, just as you and that animal of a wife did."

He let go of Jake, the air rushing into his lungs, choking him. He fell at Quaritch's feet, the sand around them covered in blood, fear and unspoken words.

"I can go back anytime though, if you don't cooperate, Corporal!"

That never ending threat, just like on the ship, just like every time. It was either him or his family. Jake stood silent, looking somewhere over Quaritch's shoulder, his gaze almost lost. He felt the need to cry, but he didn't know exactly what he wished those tears to be for. He had tears for Neytiri and all the suffering he had brought into her life, he had tears for his children whom he had disappointed, he had tears for Pandora and all the souls for whom he had not fought enough.

"Are you gonna behave for them, Jake?" Another laugh, another fucking laugh from Quaritch and then Jake knew he had lost all hope in winning the fight. Quaritch read everything on his face. He bent down and cuffed Jake's hands behind his back. Without realizing, his's tail smacked Quaritch across the face hard enough to make the old bastard hiss. He grabbed his tail and pulled at it mercilessly, Jake falling face down in the sand, pain encompassing his whole body.

"Answer me, Sully!"

He tugged at the sensitive tail again and Jake cried out in pain. Quaritch dug his fingers into the wounds the ikran left, putting pressure on his shoulder blades, almost riding him between his heavy legs.

“Fucking-… fine, I will!”

“You’ll what? I need to hear it.” Another painful tag.

“I’ll behave. I’ll do what you fucking say!”

Quaritch removed the last pair of handcuffs and tied his tail to the leg, above his knee. But the bastard didn't get up, he stayed heavy as a statue on top of him, the weight crushing his back bone.

"Next time you hit me with that thing, I'm gonna cut it. Understood?"

Jake nodded slightly. He felt dizzy from all the blood lost and all the anxiety caused by the situation. Quaritch leaned over him more, and Jake heard the sound of a blade cutting through the sand. In a second Quaritch brutally lifted his head, fingers buried deep into his locks, the blade of the knife placed lightly at the base of his neck, and Jake held his breath. Maybe the demon changed his mind, maybe everything was a game to give him hope that he could try to escape, to prolong the inevitable. Jake swallowed hard, a silent prayer sent to Eywa as he closed his eyes.

Quaritch's lips, cold and bloody, touched the edge of his ear, his hot breath giving Jake goosebumps.

"You know what I love most about this abomination of a body? Ever since I was reborn, I can smell fear."

Jake trembled but did not dare to answer him, nor did he moved from that position. The blade slowly went up to his jaw, the fingers in his hair relaxed a little and he could have sworn he felt Quaritch rubbing against his body, but he blamed it on the adrenaline and the demon's words. It's a game, it's just a game. He wants to see you lose again and again. He tried to tell himself between sobs. He hadn't realized that he was sobbing and that made him panic. The blade in Quaritch's hand continued rising on his face, on his lips, stopping there for a few seconds, on his nose, clinging to one of the cuts, passing the corner of his watery eyes, until it stopped at his scalp.

The edge of the blade broke the deafening silence and Jake felt his head lighten, the tension gradually disappearing from his scalp. Long pieces of his hair were now scattered around him, mixed with sand and blood. Whole years and memories destroyed in a second by Quaritch and his merciless hands. He was going to destroy him and he was going to start with his appearance, with what Neytiri had seen that day, with what the people had seen in him. Toruk Makto hadn't disappeared fifteen years ago, he was going to disappear now, at the hands of his enemy, and all Jake could do was stand still and endure. He would endure anything for them, to hold Neytiri one more time, to see Tuk grinning from ear to ear, to see Lo'ak become a true warrior, to better protect Spider, to protect the memory of Neteyam.

When Quaritch finished, he turned Jake back to face him, admiring his work. The demon managed to cut him in several places, but what would a few extra cuts mean. Methodically, almost afraid that something would attack him, Quaritch ran the blade over all of his ornaments, cutting them off one by one and throwing them far into the sea. The last throw was his songcord, and Jake's heart tore into a thousand pieces, but he knew there was no way he was going to make Quaritch change his mind. Jake groaned as Quaritch's right hand found its way to his face again, in the cut on his cheek, turning his head to the side, as he thought deeply. He let go of his face and grabbed his kuru instead, and Jake lashed out in fear.

"Don't touch that!" He wriggled tight, trying his hardest to get out from under the demon's weight, but all he did was sink deeper into the sand and give Quaritch a better angle over his pelvis.

Quaritch watched him intently, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. He wrapped the kuru around his arm, pulling at it. Jake winced in pain, stopping with his lips on the blade, cutting himself. A metal kiss. Quaritch released the pressure on the blade, and Jake opened his mouth, the blade resting firmly on his tongue.

"I'm only going to say this once, Sully, so listen carefully. We will fly off this island before the wild one comes looking for you. One word without my consent, and I cut your tongue! You move a step without my knowledge, and I cut your ponytail! Do what I say, when I say it! I feel you're up to something, I'm gonna cut you open like a fish and go after the children!"

No confirmation was needed. The message was loud and clear. Quaritch finally removed the blade, tucking it into a trouser pocket. He picked Jake up, more like dragging him around, and headed towards the ikran. As strong and intimidating as Quaritch wanted to make himself seem, the strain of their fight and the wounds were telling in the way he breathed and dragged his feet. They were walking towards the ikran with small steps, and Jake's head buzzed with uncertainty and thoughts. He could have attacked him if he was quick enough, hit the demon so hard as to knock him down,  kicking and kicking until he made him lose consciousness. He had seconds to decide between his life or a last attempt to get rid of the demon once and for all. One step over another, and he shifted his weight more onto his right leg, preparing to strike.

Out of nowhere, almost like a bad joke, an atokirina appeared in front of them, carried by the sea breeze to that cursed place. Jake gaped at the seed flying over their heads in disbelief. "Eywa doesn't take anyone's side Jake", Neytiri had told him a long time ago, and yet, Eywa had shown up. It felt terrible, like a cross turned upside down, like a prayer said from the end to the beginning. Quaritch noticed it too, but he continued on his way, dragging Jake harder after him. They both barely climbed on the ikran, the creature showing its discomfort with the weight of two Na'vi. Before taking off, Jake took one last look at the sky, and the atokirina was gone, as if it'd never been there. The sky was clouding slightly, a storm was approaching.

No one followed them, no Na'vi, no ilu, no tulkun, except the sea and its waves, and when the rain rushed over them and their wounds, they were already too far for anyone to save him. Jake turned his face to the sky, crying silently.

Chapter Text

     They continued to fly for several hours, above the swirling waves, the sea shouting for him, calling from the depths. All he had to do was lean to the left or the right, and the sea would swallow him whole, carry him away and maybe even wash away his sins. "A sinner will die by the hand of his sins". He heard that almost his entire childhood, when humanity had become desperate and after a long time, they had finally shown interest again in what the holy things represented. It was one last resort to save humanity, or a joke, as he liked to see it. Jake considered himself a believer in passing, he prayed when he needed to, short and concise, as if not to bother anyone with it if he did it for too long.

      Now, he prayed that Quaritch's hands would loosen their grip on the cuffs or on his thigh so that he could throw himself over. Weak chances. Ever since they'd taken off, Quaritch had clung to him like a thistle, as if Jake would just disappear from under his nose at the first blink of an eye. None of them uttered a single word, both lost in their own thoughts, fantasies and unspoken plans. From time to time, Quaritch would snort heavily as if there was mucus in his lungs. Jake wanted the bastard to choke on his own spit and fall off his ikran. That was all he had left. Hope.

     The storm did not relent, it kept after them with more anger and acidity. The lightning bolts were adrenaline shots for Jake. They split the sky into pieces, chasing them as far as possible. His wish almost came true when he slipped from too much water on the ikran's saddle, but Quaritch quickly caught him by the middle, pulling him back. After what felt like days of flying, they finally arrived back in the forest. However, the flight had become more difficult, as they tried to avoided the merciless storm, as well as the tops and branches of the trees. Quaritch was flying with a target in mind, Jake had realized that. He was flying too straight, too determined, too sure of himself. Before he knew it, they were already flying past the floating mountains, and Jake didn't know whether to be relieved to be closer to their old home or terrified of what Quaritch might do. They glided past the rocks, under the vines, and back above the clouds until Quaritch began to fly the ikran in circles above the dense vegetation.

     When they finally reached a good place for Quaritch to land, Jake realized to his horror that they were back at the old shack, at the place that ended and started it all. He unconsciously trembled at the memory. But something was different and out of place. It was cleaned. There was no evidence of Quaritch’s AMP suit ever being there, the forests plants were all evenly cut and the shack in itself was repaired, modified. It was bigger. Quaritch saw his face and made a gesture with his hand.

“All this is thanks to a handful of good man that lost their lives…Think you can guess by whom.”

     Right, Jake forgot about that. This situation wasn't only about him and his 'betrayal', but also about all the other people that died fighting. He didn’t blame himself for that, they all had a choice just like he did.

     Quaritch tried to dislodge him, but Jake got ahead of him, letting himself slide down from the creature. He could barely stand on his feet from all the accumulated fatigue. When they reached the front door, Quaritch opened it with his fingerprint, pushing Jake inside. Even the interior had been repaired and renovated. The ceiling was higher, the capsule itself was more spacious, expanding on the left side into a new unit, separated by the same type of door with the imprint. On the left was a small kitchen, with a table and two chairs, but the table looked strange. Under the table top, around the legs, there was a metal bar surrounding all sides. The same type of bar was also at the base of the seats. The middle of the shack looked like it was taken from a doctor's office, a Na’vi size surgical table, with the same type of bar as the table and chairs, cupboards full of medicines and bandages, and next to that, a desk with a graphic tablet, a holopad and a device that Jake could associate at most with an ultrasound machine. On the right, almost hidden in the corner of the room, there was a mattress covered with a white medical blanket. On the walls around the mattress there were long square nails, to which hard, thick, leather shackles with chains were attached.  You're not going to get away from here. That's what the whole decor had whispered to Jake.

     Quaritch then took him by the arm and pushed him on the surgical table. He made Jake lie down on it, with his hands still tied back, the handcuffs digging painfully at his wrists, pushing into his spine. His legs were tied as well with the same type of cuffs as the one near the mattress, each leg on one side of the table, spread out for the demon.

“Now, be good and stay still until I fix you up.”

“What?! You’re not gonna leave me get an infection, you piece of shit?”

     He heard it before he felt it, the slap across his face, so powerful that one of his teeth was almost pulled out of his mouth. He bit his tongue, blood flooding his mouth, the taste spiking up the knot in his guts.

“What did I say ‘bout talking back?”

     Jake chose to remain silent, but apparently no answer was as bad as saying something. Quaritch latched at him again, another palm against his skull and his ears started ringing. Jake spitted blood on the table. He tried to wipe it out on his shoulder, but Quaritch bit him at it, grabbing his chin, his fingers getting coaxed with spit and blood. Yet Jake still didn’t know what a good answer to his stupid question would be, so again, he remained silent, his eyes looking at everything but the demon.

“If you wanna play hard, I’ll give you hard.”

     One of Quaritch’s fingers reached his lips, pushing slowly past them. He grabbed Jake’s lower lip, pressing down until the pain made him open his mouth. Bloody fingers were pushed roughly down his throat, making him gag and choke. He couldn’t breathe. He trashed harshly against the restraints.

“Clean them before I keep my promise ‘bout your tongue, Sully.”

     But Jake fought hard, as hard as he could from his position. He really considered biting the demon’s fingers off. Instead, he choked out a 'fuck you'. Quaritch removed his fingers and wiped them on Jake’s abdomen.

“You know, I wander if your girls would react to what they’re told as badly as their father…”

     Jake saw red before his eyes. He trashed and pulled at the restraints, cursing Quaritch with a mix of English and Na’vi. He tried to scratch the cuffs with his fingernails, flex his feet to brake pressure from the leather cuffs, but nothing would budge. He promised himself he will tear Quaritch apart at the first chance, limb by limb, until he was just a pile of meat. I'll burn the remains, throw away the ash in the deepest hole in the ground,  I'll…

    A loud smack pulled his attention back. Quaritch hit him with his belt over the thigh, a stern and annoyed look on his face. He moved forward until he was towering over Jake’s head, grabbing his jaw again and pushing the belt between his lips. He tied it behind his head, too tight, making the edges of his mouth stretch painfully and some pieces of what was left of his hair got caught in the knot.

“I’ll patch you up. One more single word and I leave you here bleeding while I go fetch the girl… the little one.”

     With that Quaritch started gathering the necessary supplies and Jake wished that the blood lose, the tiredness or the fight would just knock him out until this was over. Yet he was wide awake, more awake that he’d ever been for the past few days. He couldn’t fight back and that in itself was the most terrifying thought.  One wrong move and he knew that the bastard would just do it, would go out there, back in the storm, just to prove his point and to show him who was in charge. He slowly lifted his head and he panicked when his saw Quaritch approach him with a needle and a blood bag in his hands. He almost fainted when his saw the name of the demon written sloppy with a sharpie on the bag.

“Stand at ease, princess. You lost quite the blood out there. Lucky for you, it just happens we share the same blood type. Funny thing, isn’t it?”

     Quaritch laughed again and Jake couldn’t stand that sound anymore. No, that could not be happening. He couldn't have the demon’s blood in his veins, rotting him with whatever madness Quaritch possessed. A breath, then another, and the needle was already in his arm, blood flowing down towards his vein. He felt like he was about to get raped. The humiliation and anger wrapped itself around his brain like silk around a naked, wet body. His enemy, the man who wished death upon all his family, the man who killed his son, was now sharing blood with him and dressing his wounds, like it was nothing, like it was fucking normal.

     Before he knew it, Jake was being pulled up slowly, sitting on his bruised butt, a small hiss escaping his mouth. Quaritch was all over him, cleaning the wounds, stitching and dressing them with a tenderness that gave him chills. His hands were warm, barely pressing the irritated and wounded flesh, and Jake wanted the exact opposite. He wanted to cling to the pain, he wanted to curse, to feel those murderous hands to the bones, to feel the so-called anger of Quaritch on him. The lingering over some of them didn’t gave him any more piece of mind, just like when Quaritch’s hands stayed so long on his face while he cleaned the cut on his nose, brushing from time to time the saliva that would gather at the corners of his mouth with the back of his hand, or the time it took to wipe out all the little sand particles from his side and butt, from when the ikran dropped him on the beach. It’s a game of dominance. Just a game. That’s all there is. You know all of this already. Jake repeated those same exact words over and over in his head, silent prayer of encouragement.

      After a while, all that was there for them to do was to wait for the blood bag to get empty. The silence stretched uncomfortably until Quaritch had enough and ripped of the belt from Jake’s mouth, throwing it at his feet. He cleaned up a bit the mess he’d made and washed his hands at the sink, then he turned around marching over the other door of the shack.

“Wait!” Jake found himself shouting after him. Quaritch turned around with that same pissed off expression plastered on his bruised face. He took two steps before he stopped in the middle of the room, arms crossed, tail whipping impatiently behind him. Jake lowered his gaze, unsure if he can actually continue with his question. No, that’s exactly what he wants…for you to submit.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked. Quaritch sensed that there was more buried under Jake’s tongue so he waited, his ears pulled forward in anticipation. “I thought I would be dog food by now, that you would bring my head on a spike over to Bridgehead, parade my skin around like a trophy…yet, you do this. Why the fuck are you doing this? What you get out of it?”

     Quaritch grabbed one of the chairs, dragging it across the floor until he was near Jake. He sat down crossing his hands around the back of it, and Jake got hit with a massive sense of déjà vu. One moment he was there, in the next he was back in his wheelchair, back in his small trapped human body.

“Because…”, he said looking right in Jake’s eyes, “coming back to life for the third time really makes you put things into perspective. Everything you said would take me what, a day, maybe two, and then what?

     He got up, coming closer to Jake, his nose sniffing the air. The demon licked his lips. The strange glint that was in his eyes back on the beach shined brighter and Jake gulped, sweat forming at his temples. Quaritch grabbed him by the hair, yanking hard to make Jake look him in the eyes.

“Why would I want two days of glory, when I can have this. You, at my mercy, along with your litter of half breeds.” His right hand lowered over Jake’s pecs, down his abdomen, until it’s reached his loincloth. Jake froze on the spot, holding his breath.  “I’m not the man you still think I am. I wake up everyday, look at my reflection, and I barely recognize the person staring back.”

     He cursed himself mentally a dozen of times for starting this conversation.

“You promised on the beach you’ll do anything to protect them, but so will I, Jake. Yes, for every man and woman who died fighting for humanity.” His fingers dug deep in Jake’s hip bone, deep enough to leave a nasty purple bruise on his skin. “Yes, I’ll do it for the mother of my child who died fighting your blue savage friends.” He tugged at Jake’s hair again, making him moan in pain. “I’ll do everything to make you pay for the nights when my son would wake up with your name on his lips.” He ripped off the loincloth, tossing it somewhere behind them. Jake was lost for words. “This time the science folks brought us back as men, but with your batch I heard they had a little fun. They wanted to make yours as close as possible to the savages.”

     Quaritch leaned over him, the hand in his hair sliding over Jake's jaw, turning his head enough to press his cold, still bloodstained lips to the shell of his ear. The other hand came down, ignoring his dick, until it touched his folds, one of the fingers making its way between them. Quaritch grinned when he felt the wetness gathered on the edges of his cunt, but he didn't move any further, staying on the surface where his finger made circles on the soft flesh. Jake sobbed heavily, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes again. Stay still, don't move. He tried to tell himself, but his pride, his ego, was screaming in the back of his mind to run as far as he could, to fight, to throw punches, to bite Quaritch's face to the bone .

"I can tear you to pieces, Jake. But Rome wasn't built in a day, so we're gonna take it slow."

     The demon withdrew his hand, but Jake was taken by surprise when he saw that he untied his legs. Before he could react, Quaritch grabbed him by the middle and threw him over his shoulder, carrying him to the mat. He put him down gently, throw the white blanket over his shoulders and caught his left leg with the handcuffs on the wall. He also untied his hands, only to grab his left one in the same way. Although it looked hard, the material was quite soft compared to the orange plastic cuffs that cut the flesh around his wrists. Quaritch made sure they were all tight, then patted him lightly on the shoulder, standing up and walking towards the mysterious door at the end of the pod.

 “Be good.” He muttered under his breath as he left the room, leaving Jake alone with his thoughts and everything that had happened in the last few hours.

     Jake would be lying if he said he felt confident or strong in those moments. He was surrounded by a fear that gnawed him from inside, the same fear he had felt when he found out his parents had died in that damned accident, when he and Tommy were only twelve years old, the same fear he felt when there was a chance for them to be placed in foster care, or when they walked into Mrs. Marsh's house, their mom's friend, and saw all those sharp daggers on the living room walls. Fear, fear like when Tommy confessed to him that he joined the army to continue his studies. Fear when he did the same thing. The fear felt when Tommy told him that he was going to leave him behind for a job on a planet years away from them. The fear afterwards, when he realized that all that was left of his twin brother was a handful of ashes. The fear when he thought he would lose Neytiri, and the unimaginable fear when Lo'ak swam madly towards him with his bleeding brother in his arms.

     He pulled at the handcuffs desperately, the surrounding air felt suffocating, he felt engulfed in flames. He was choking again from all the mucus created by his tears, and he wished to set fire to that damned blanket that smelled exactly like Quaritch, but at the same time he couldn't stand the idea of being naked in front of the psychopath. He wanted to get up from the mat, but the chains were too short for that. All he could do was roll from side to side, the most comfortable position being facing the wall, but to hell with it. He wasn't going to have his back exposed when Quaritch could return at any moment. Sleep. His brain whispered, but he was too alert. He tried to cling to every sound he heard. The storm had not stopped, the drops of water hitting the roof of the capsule, thundering like bullets from the war front. He had only one image in his mind, that of the atokirina flying above them, and no matter what he did, he couldn't find a logical explanation as Neytiri had tried to teach him so many times. He couldn't find logic in anything of the last twenty-four hours. He should've been with his family, burying his son, not caught in the claws of a ghost that would gradually suck his life out of his body. Jake punched the wall over and over and over again, until his knuckles bled, splattering the wall with warm drops. His and the demon's blood mixed in his veins, pumped by his heart, the same one that loved life and the Na'vi people and all the nature that surrounded him.

     When Quaritch came back into the room, he appeared with a sickening smell of cheap men's shower gel. His wounds were bandaged and he changed into a simple black t-shirt and a pair of black sports pants. In his hands, he held a tray and a piece of material. He left the tray on the table and approached Jake visibly disturbed by the way he had found him.

"I leave you alone for an hour and you do this... I should leave you here, naked and hungry, like a stray dog." Quaritch sighed heavily and bent down to examine Jake's new wounds on his hands, but did nothing about them. He lifted the blanket from Jake and showed him the black t-shirt he had brought, the same pattern as the demon's, imprinted with his scent. It was a death sentence, he was saying goodbye to the last physical remnant of what he represented, a free man no more.

"It's late. Let's do this peacefully." Quaritch rolled up the shirt and threw it over Jake’s head, followed by his right arm. With precision and speed, he undid the handcuffs from the other hand, hurrying to dress him completely. There was no need to hurry though, Jake stood quietly, staring blankly, accepting his fate, or at least he tried to. You do it for them, you do it for the kids. Over and over and over in his mind, repeating like an actor about to go on stage. He didn't even realized when Quaritch returned with the tray and placed it at his feet. All that was on it was a white plastic cup, a quarter full of an almost translucent liquid.

"For the show you pulled out today, this is your dinner. Be good and maybe tomorrow you will eat something solid, a fruit perhaps." he said smirking.

    Quaritch turned on his heels and headed for what Jake thought was a toilet. He slowly approached the tray, carefully lifting the plastic cup with his free hand. He brought it closer to see its contents better. When he smelled it, he swallowed the vomit that quickly went up his throat, and threw the cup as far as he could. At the same time, Quaritch came out of the bathroom, the cup and its contents narrowly missing from hitting him directly in the face. Quaritch was holding a bucket. He looked at the cup then at Jake, who was holding his hand over his nose and mouth, giving Quaritch the sharpest look he could muster. Quaritch threw the bucket at his head, and he barely caught it at the last second.

"You can forget about the fruit. As for the cup, I suggest you get used to what's in it, cuz that’ll be your meal for a few days." Quaritch reached for the cup, took what was left between his fingers and rushed at Jake. He grabbed both of his hands in one of his and slammed him against the wall. He wiped what was left of Jake’s cheek until it reached around his lips. He backed off when Jake choked in disgust. Jake growled, wiping his face hard with his free hand, spitting in disgust the pool of saliva that wouldn't stop flooding his mouth.

“We need to start somewhere, princess.”

“You’re sick.” answered Jake, spitting again near Quaritch’s feet.

"Now, now… I'm still nice, but kindness and patience will end soon. Tomorrow, I hope to find you with a more cooperative attitude. See you at breakfast, princess. Oh, and piss in that bucket!"

     He went out for the last time through the metal door, leaving Jake stoned on the floor. He put his head on his knees and prayed in all languages for Eywa to wake him from that nightmare.

Chapter Text

There were times living on Pandora when Jake's mind would drift back to the past, far from the pleasant reality he had created with his family. In those moments, he founded himself between two troubled realities, both with equally apocalyptic scenarios. In the first, he thought about his life back on Earth and how he would've continued if he'd never set foot on the bioluminescent land of Pandora. All the versions of this reality ended the same, with him alone, lifeless, lost in the endless sea of people trying to get by. In the second, he thought about everything that the RDA meant to him and what would've happened if he hadn’t managed to see, to open his eyes to the crimes caused by the humans. And that thought sent him involuntarily to a scenario with Tommy. What would Tommy have done if he'd lived, under the watchful eye of Grace, alongside Norm and Max, flying high in the sky with Trudy? Would Tommy have been able to see? All those things kept him awake for many nights in a row, often having to leave discreetly from his loved ones, spending several good hours away. He felt the need to unload all those negative thoughts, put them in a box in his mind and bury them deep, along with everything that had been the old Jake Sully, as he had done before for different reasons, many, many years ago.

But now, there were no more scenarios, no more boxes to be filled, but only the relentless present. Two day passed since his incident with Quaritch. On the first day after the storm, both were too irritable to be in each other's presence for too long. Quaritch kept his plan. He came to Jake that morning with a similar plastic cup, only for Jake to offer it the same fate as the first one. For the rest of the day, he received only one bottle of water, which he drank cautiously, portioned, in case Quaritch decided to let him die of thirst. He had taken Jake to the bathroom several times, tied well, of course, but no exchange of words took place between the two.

Thoughts upon thoughts had kept Jake dissociated for large chunks of hours that day. He almost missed the way Quaritch was pacing, shoulders slumped, a scowl on his face. He moved, opened and sealed boxes that he brought from the capsule’s extension. He bitterly rearranged objects that Jake had found strange to exist in that place, like packets of chewing gum, a few pairs of sunglasses, posters, clothes and a huge crucifix on a gold chain. Eventually, Quaritch remembered that Jake was there, watching, so he hurried to seal all the boxes, leaving with them. He returned after a few minutes with red eyes. Jake hadn't said a word, pretending that he wasn't aware of anything happening around him.

The evening had been as anticlimactic as the rest of the day, with the same damn cup being offered as 'dinner', and he wondered all day if that was all Quaritch did in the rest of the time when he disappeared from the common room. He could imagine the demon with an old picture of human Miles Quaritch in his left hand and with his right on his cock. Everything that was happening was pointless and pathetic, and Jake kept hoping that Quaritch would eventually see this too, that they would finally communicate as two mature adults, that they would find a way where they wouldn't be at each other's throat from hour to hour. Who are you lying to, dumbass. Change places with him and you would probably do the same. Communicate…what a fucking joke.

Jake tried all the options in his mind, taking advantage of the silence offered by the whole day, to find the right formula, the set of words that would intrigue Quaritch enough to agree to listen to him. With each scenario, everything seemed even more futile. The night had passed just as quickly, sleep finally taking over him. The next day had been the same, except that Quaritch seemed a little less irritated, at least for the first half of it. In the afternoon the demon insisted on him to take a shower and dress up his wounds, but he remained stuck in the same place on the mattress, knees pressed to his chest, looking at the small window panel that gave him a picture outside the silver cage with florescent lights.

"At this rate you're going to kill yourself, Sully.”, Quaritch said between his teeth when he already tried for the third time to get him to get up from the floor. Sully. He only used that name when he was pissed, when he tried to convey that military power over him, just like he had when Jake had talked to him back on the surgical table. But the tension was growing with every moment, and Jake felt it too, and he didn't know how much longer he could play that card.

The evening of Jake's refusal to even touch the plastic cup had apparently been the final straw for Quaritch's nerves. He removed Jake's handcuffs and brutally pulled his hands to lift him off the floor. Jake was weak, too weak to stay upright for too long. Dizzyness took over him, he had barely managed to reach the table, being dragged further by Quaritch's hands. He pushed Jake on the chair and tied his hands to the bar below it. He placed the same cup in front of him, and Jake gently took it in his hands noticing that this time it was warm. He swallowed the feeling of nausea, breathing slowly and as far away from it as possible. Quaritch, on the other hand, had a real buffet in front of him, full of fruit and cooked steak. Jake's mouth immediately salivated as those smells reached his nasal passages. His stomach had betrayed him, letting Quaritch know he was dying for a morsel of whatever was on the table.

"Clean that plastic cup and I'll let you choose whatever you want." Quaritch enticed him, biting lustily from a juicy fruit. The juice had slipped down his chin and he couldn't help but follow the trail left by the pinkish liquid, mouth slightly open, his pupils dilated, his tail wagging uncontrollably behind him. Quaritch observed him and stood up suddenly, bringing the fruit with him. He let a few drops of the fruit fall into the cup and brought it to Jake's lips.

"Drink!" Jake's hands were shaking slightly and he had to take a deep breath in his chest to calm down. Then everything became a blur. He didn't know what managed to make him move, either Quaritch's commanding voice, or the terrifying hunger that threatened to eat him from the inside, or maybe the alluring and irresistible smell of the fruit. He brought his hand over Quaritch's, tilting the plastic cup together, the liquid sliding over his tongue. For a few seconds he felt the sweet taste of the fruit, his body being overwhelmed by euphoria, but the aftertaste of what he really swallowed brought tears to his eyes. Quaritch, on the other hand, seemed pleased. Jake almost jumped out of his chair, desperately wanting to reach one of the fruits, but the handcuffs stopped him from touching any.

"Which one do you want?"

"The red one." He knew from experience that it was the closest thing to what a watermelon tastes on Earth. Quaritch reached for the fruit, picking it up and carefully peeled it.

"Sit back down, princess." He complied. He wanted with all his heart to get rid of that damned taste on his tongue. However, he was in the presence of Miles Quaritch, so nothing was going to go smoothly from the beginning. The demon sliced the fruit, bringing a piece to Jake's lips. He turned his head back in disgust.

"I have hands, you idiot. I can use them." Jake had expected another slap, a hand in the hair, a blow, anything that would bring him pain. Quaritch remained silent, playing with the blade of the knife and the piece of fruit.

"And I can use mine and bring you another one of those." he answered pointing the knife back towards the empty plastic cup. Jake trembled involuntarily and without thinking about the risks, he opened his mouth. Quaritch went right to work, feeding him piece by piece. He wanted to savor the moment, to enjoy the taste, but Quaritch seemed impatient, quickly tucking in the pieces of fruit before he could finish swallowing. The sweet juice slid down his chin, his mouth was stuffed full of it, so much he could barely chew it. Quaritch hadn't moved his eyes from his lips, he looked like an animal in a trance. When the last piece was on his tongue, Jake was almost sad that it was over.

"You would've received this yesterday if you weren't such a bitch."

Don't say anything back. He wants a reaction. He wants you to lash out in anger. He wants to control you. Stay silent. Shut up!

It was certain that his face showed the torment with which he forced himself not to react. He bit his bottom lip in frustration. Quaritch reached for another fruit, one that Jake had never seen before, purple, almost identical to a giant plum, inside resembling a pomegranate. He brought that to his lips as well, and Jake had to slurp the contents from the demon's fingers. The sweet and fragrant taste had awakened something in him, a feeling of warmth engulfing his insides. He saw it again, that strange glimmer in the eye of his enemy. After a few seconds he felt the wetness pooling under him on the seat, staining the cold metal every time he reached out towards the fingers that fed him. He had never felt so aroused in that area.

"If only you’d swallow cum like you swallow this fruit, princess..."

"Sorry to disappoint, it wasn't in the Survival Lessons on Pandora." Jake said scoffing.

" You just have to be taught."

"Yeah, it's a pity that Paz's no longer here to teach me."

If Eywa had come out of the ground right then and there, shook him by the shoulders and yelled what's wrong with him, Jake wouldn't have been able to answer Her in a million years. He done it, he said it, but he regretted it instantly. That's it, he's going to beat you, he's going to kill you. Jake held his ground, both hands gripping the edge of the table ferociously, waiting for the impact of the first punch, his eyes fixed on Quaritch's. Sparks in golden irises. But the punch never came. However, the anger was there, behind the frozen pupils, in the way he clenched his fists tightly beside his body, in the way his upper lip twitched. Jake swallowed hard, his eyes darting in all directions. Come on, you bastard. Do it! What the hell are you waiting for? Jake's face fell when he noticed that Quaritch shifted his gaze to the mattress. No. When he lifted Jake up, he saw the stain left on the chair, hissing "slut" between his lips, and Jake was thrown back onto the mattress, his hand and leg pinned back to the wall. He then grabbed his right leg, lifting it up to his chest, tying his wrist to the ankle. He was completely exposed to the demon, his heart beating madly in his chest. He’ll rape you for this.

What else could he change in the current situation? He was as good as dead only because he hadn’t been able to keep his thoughts to himself. He could have begged him, stepped on his pride, played the game and put his head nicely between his legs. Quaritch held him by the hips, tight, deep in thought, the veins on his arms bulging from how tense he was.

"I'm gonna make you regret ever speaking her name."

But Quaritch moved away, leaving Jake flustered. He went to one of the supply closets, taking out a backpack, a communicator and a gun. Jake was suddenly hit by reality, along with a wave of adrenaline. Shivers gripped his body all the way to the tip of his tail, right besides fear, so much fear that he almost pissed himself. The demon slowly headed for the exit. Do something!

"I'm sorry, ok. Hey! Come back here!”

Quaritch didn't stop walking.

"Come back! They didn't do anything to you!"

He opened the door with his fingerprints, the cold night air entering the capsule like poison, and Jake was intoxicated with that gut wrenching fright. He had to stop him at any cost. He couldn't lose someone else, he couldn't put their lives in danger because of him and his stupid mouth. He spoke incoherently between cries and sobs filled with 'please' and 'don't do this'. Quaritch stood by the door, straight posture, straight tail, ears back, listening. Last chance.

“I'm right here, Miles, exactly where you wanted me for so long. Come back and do whatever you want with me." Jake said with a trembling voice, the last part coming out as a whimper.

He hoped that Quaritch would understand without directly saying it, that it was enough to make him put an end to any crazy thoughts. His whole body trembled in anticipation. Quaritch looked back at him.

"What did you say her name was? Tuk or something…”

Fear as sharp as a blade. He lost his vision for a second.

"No no no. Please! I beg you! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

Quaritch was watching him, watching Jake's mouth move, but he didn't seem to hear a word.

“Please, Miles! She’s only eight. She’s a child! Don’t do this! Please! I'm sorry!”

Quaritch took another step forward, his foot crossing the threshold. Instantly, as on command, Jake lost it. He startled himself when he felt the warm liquid running down his stomach, sliding down under him, drenching everything around him.

My little girl, my baby girl... can't let her die because of me, can't... focus... just... The demon took a deep breath through his nose, the spots on his skin shining brighter in the darkness of the night. Those eyes like the soft flames of a summer campfire, full of venom and sparks, and Jake took his burnt gaze from them, stopping at the demon's crotch. The monster liked what he saw.

"Use me." It had come so easily from his lips, an invitation, a last white flag over the trenches.

"You don't know what you're asking for, Sully."

"Yes, I do. I'll do anything. Miles, I-”

"Shut it!"

Quaritch nervously ran his hands through his hair, his body fuming with anger. Jake had forgotten to breathe, with wide eyes following every little movement of the demon.

“Two seconds, Sully! In two seconds, after I let you go, I want you in that bathroom, pressed against the wall, on your knees, hands behind your back. You fight, you move the smallest muscle, and I swear on my son's life that by morning I’ll leave four corpses near this door."

He nodded frantically, biting his lip to calm himself. He couldn't stop shaking. When Quaritch undid the last handcuff, Jake sprinted like he'd never done before in his life. Too fast, too suddenly. He hit half of his body against the frame of the bathroom door from dizziness, but there was no more room for pain, only for following orders. The cold tiles of the floor soothed his hot skin. He sat in front of the shower, exactly as he had been told, and waited. Seconds seemed like whole minutes. Tingles easily covered his thighs and back from the tense position in which he was sitting, back straight, head forward, careful with his tail to keep it as close to his body as possible. He will eat you alive. The sinner dies at the hand of his sins.

The demon appeared like the mist of night, engulfed in a silvery dew, the holder of the keys to the gates of Hell. The same demonic glare darted at Jake, who lowered his gaze.

"Strip."

He moved his arms in slow motion, shaking so hard that he could barely grasp the edges of his T-shirt. He was trying to stretch the inevitable, prepare himself mentally. He folded the T-shirt as best he could and slid it on the floor away from him.

"Open your mouth and don't move."

He could smell the demon's arousal, a musky smell that reached his brain. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth. The demon took off his pants and Jake saw his life flash before his eyes. The scientists really weren't playing around. Quaritch was twice Jake's size, thick, with a slightly swollen base like a knot and an upward curve near the tip. The florescent dots gave his pre-cum a tiny hint of glow.

Hot skin on frozen skin, long fingers brutally pressing the inside of his wounded cheek. A hand sliding into his short locks of hair, grabbing, pulling him closer until his mouth was filled with the demon's flesh. He had inserted only the tip of his cock, and Jake struggled not to touch anything with his tongue or teeth. Saliva was already gathering in his mouth, sliding around the corners of it. Quaritch growled.

"Use your tongue!"

Think it's someone else. Just get it over with. But it was easier said than done. His head was slightly tilted to one side, at a painful angle. The fingers on his cheek reached his lip, pulling down with a firm force against his jaw. Jake felt like he was going to dislocate something inside him. Mucus and tears joined Quaritch's cock, marking him each time the demon thrusted deeper. He was only halfway through, and Jake's neck was already on fire from every time he hit what felt like the back of his skull. Then there were the sounds... pulled right out of pornographic films every time he chocked. It didn't help that he could feel the demon's cock throbbing every time he made those sounds. Of course he fucking likes it

"That's right...fuck, that's all you’re good for, slut."

Quaritch started to move faster, catching Jake off guard. It was too much and he almost went completely off balance. His left hand came off the wall and grabbed Quaritch by the hip, the demon lunging at him, flinching as if burned by his touch, but did nothing to push him away.

"The fucking audacity that came out of your fucking mouth...". Quaritch shoved himself deeper. "You will never say her name again, do you hear me?"

Jake heard it, loud and clear, but all he could do was hold onto Quaritch, breathe through his nose and take it. Quaritch was already breathing heavily above him, from time to time, small and short moans invaded Jake's hearing, the knot in his stomach jumping at the sound of each one.

Quaritch paused for a few seconds, spreading the saliva on his cock on Jake's face, marking him, slapping him across the lips. Jake took the opportunity to take a deep breath and gather himself.

"I should've done this the first time I saw you in the base, let the whole team have a turn with you."

Jake's hand was still on Quaritch's leg, like an anchor that he hoped would keep him afloat despite the words running through his mind.

“Maybe if they dicked you down good you wouldn’t have run after pussy, you little fucking bitch. Stick your tongue out!”

Humiliation, that's what he felt in those moments, burning his veins on the inside like a rag soaked in diesel and thrown into the embers. Quartich lasciviously rubbed his cock against his tongue.

"You wanted to be the blue monkeys' whore...Now you can be mine."

He grabbed him again and they continued the same dance, with his mouth full, with tears running down his cheeks, with his hand stuck in Quaritch's warm and soft flesh. Play the game. Make him finish faster. Voluntarily, Jake moved his head as far as his hand in his hair would allow, along with Quaritch's thrusts, beginning to suck properly, his tail flapping behind him. He could feel it, the demon was close. He gripped Quaritch's hips with both hands, his fingers making circles on the demon's skin. Quaritch growled and backed away again.

"Say it again."

Jake blinked in confusion.

"I'm sorry…"

"Not that shit!" Quaritch interrupted, his eyes following the line of saliva between the tip of his cock and Jake's swollen, crimson lips. "You don't believe that shit anyway. Call me by name.” Jake swallowed hard, ears back, eyes wide and red from crying.

"Miles."

That was all it took, and Quaritch pounced on him like he'd lost his mind, his hips thrusting almost without rhythm into the soft, wet hole. He moaned deeply with each breath as he held Jake tightly by the back of his head, bringing him closer and closer with each passing second until Jake's nose made contact with his abdomen. Jake's mouth was beyond stretched to full. Quaritch's knot barely passed his lips, Jake's fangs lightly scraping his skin and the demon came. He squeezed out waves of hot cum, Jake swallowing around him as much as he could. Quaritch reached forward, leaning one arm against the wall, breathing raggedly, pulling Jake after him. It was over, but Quaritch looked like he wasn't going to let go, Jake's nose still pressed against his abdomen. He looked up in fright and Quaritch's initial anger had evaporated, leaving room for the same smirk that Jake was sure would haunt him for the rest of his life. Quaritch was glaring at him, like a lion watching its prey die under its fangs.

"Did I make myself understood, Sully? Are you gonna behave?

Jake couldn't make a sound, so he reached down and squeezed his thigh hard. Quaritch ran his fingers through Jake's hair, slightly wet from the humidity in the air, tucking a strand behind his ear. When he finally pulled out of his mouth, Jake's entire jaw was numb, his throat felt swollen and raw. Quaritch lowered himself, his palm passing over Jake's cunt, bringing it out covered in slick and Jake froze. No, it wasn't normal. In all the years he had been with Neytiri he had never gotten wet from down there, and now, after this nightmare, Quaritch was admiring his palm full of it.

"Do you want to explain this?"

No, there was nothing to explain, except his stupid body that didn't understand what was really happening. But he didn't wish to know either. He already wanted to forget everything, to erase from his mind everything that had happened, the smell of the demon, his touch, the thick voice, the sounds. Quaritch took advantage of his state of inertia and brought his hand back between his legs, playing with the rest of the slick that was gathered there.

"I won't forgive so easily next time." To emphasize, he stuck his middle finger between the soft and tight walls, sparks of fear and a little pain engulfing Jake. He grabbed Quaritch’s wrists, trying to pull him out, but it was in vain. Quaritch was so close to him, his breath sending chills down his spine. He traced Jake's lips with a fingers, gently moving the one inside him in and out. Stay calm. Remember why you are doing this.

"Don't think I didn't see what you did in the end. Didn’t look like the first time to me.” he said laughing, his lips coming to Jake's neck, sniffing him lightly, fangs above his jugular. He pushed his finger up to the knuckle and Jake sobbed as slowly as he could. "You were and always will be a whore."

He stopped and pulled Jake under the shower head, letting the hot water fall over them both. When the first splashes touched his skin, Jake mentally walked away. He saw only black in front of his eyes, paralyzed, with an emptiness in his soul that continuously expanded like the universe. He wanted to put his head down and stay there motionless until Eywa took him in her arms. In the background, he could hear a faint whistling. In the corner of his vision he swore he could see Quaritch's shadow growing, black and dense, bringing pain, conflagration and death.

He had made mistakes. He had only one thing to do and he made mistakes, over and over again. He had made mistakes with Neytiri, with the children, with himself. He would lose himself under Quaritch's hands. He would meet his end under his command, just as Paz Socorro had. No, don't think about her. You didn't even know her. Never say her name again. Out of nowhere, he stopped hearing or seeing, falling completely to the ground, a fog covering him with attention and care, and he lost consciousness.

…

He was floating in someone's arms, a warm hug like the ones given by his mother to him and Tommy, holding them tightly close to her chest until they felt like they were going to run out of air. He saw constellations and shooting stars above his head and there he was in the air flying, and someone was holding him by the hips whispering sweet things in his ears. They were falling, but they never hit the ground. Instead, he swam in the crystal clear sea. The algae caressed his wounds, the fish and the currents of the sea directed him to the shore. On the beach, blinded by the setting sun, he saw the same person whose face he could not recognize. They were standing close and far at the same time. He wanted to run towards the person, but his legs got stuck in the burning sand, falling on his back. He hovered above the ground in a clearing, surrounded by dozens of Soul Trees. He floated towards them and held the person's hand, guiding them towards one of the trees. Before they could both put their tendrils on the branches, Jake woke up.

Chapter Text

Drawing for this chapter

   Two weeks went by in a blink of an eye, and with everyday that passed Jake’s spirit faltered little by little. He and Quaritch never mentioned that night again and for some strange reason Jake didn’t like that, he felt the need to just spoke with someone, anyone, even if that meant the demon himself. But Quaritch made it very clear that rules are to be followed 'or…' Jake didn’t want to ever imagine the 'or'. He started having panic attacks after that night, some even lasting him a few hours, but he couldn’t do anything about them. They would usually start in the middle of the night when he was left alone with himself and his thoughts. He cried more times than he would like to admit, muffled by fists in his mouth just so Quaritch wouldn’t find him in that state. Cries of anger. Cries for the fear of taking a risk.

   Apart for those moments, nothing truly bad ever happened, nothing like he imagined from the ruthless Colonel. They stuck with 'the cup meals' for another four days and Jake actually obeyed and drank those, but not even Quaritch would've been so stupid as to not realize that Jake wouldn't have lived on that alone. He lost weight extremely quickly, lots of it, so the bastard had to do something about it. After every bitter meal, he would receive some fruits or even a protein bar, followed right after by some IVs with vitamins and proteins. He fought a little the first time, not enough to actually piss Quaritch off, yet enough to let him now that he'd rather bite into one of those stakes. The battle was lost, needles pierced his arm twice a day, his arms being filled with dark bruises and busted veins.

   He couldn't skip the ways Quaritch continued to look at him.  He’d seen the way his tail twitched in excitement every time the needle stung his fragile skin, or when he cleaned the wound left on his back by the ikran, or the times when fingers brushed over his bruised wrists that need bandages every night from the tightness of the cuffs. Jake bit his tongue at any instance when his brain decided to come up with something nasty to say about that. He kept himself in check, played the game by the books, as much as he could. He needed to survive. It could have been worse. It could've been beatings, nails under the skin and claws, fingers cut off, fangs pulled out, acid down the throat, burns...

   That wasn’t also the last time he gave Quaritch a blow job, the bastard finding ways to threaten and demand one for small stupid reasons like when Jake accidently dropped the piss bucket on a morning, or when he asked if he could have a pair of pants or even some underwear on, the answer obviously being a big, fat 'no'. He got better at them, in the way that he didn’t gag like crazy now. He even found ways to speed up the process, mind blank, letting himself go and strangely enough, after the first week, Quaritch took longer and longer to come, the excitement in his eyes decreasing little by little. Jake knew exactly why though. He wasn’t fighting it, he didn’t snarl back, or at least he tried to as much as he could, and that turned Quaritch insane. Small fucking victory. But the fucker still enjoyed them. Quaritch treated him like a child, always feeding him with his own hands, always being the one to wash him, even staying right there by the bathroom door when he wanted to take a shit, never leaving the room before making sure Jake was fast asleep. With the touching came though the 'accidental' pinches and hard taps over his wounds, grabs of his tail, accidental touches when they were both passing through tight spaces at the same time.

   The demon trained daily, inside and outside of the shack, keeping his body in good shape, but Jake wasn’t allowed that privilege. Quaritch took him outside once a day, in the morning, when the leaves where still covered in a small tint of dew, with his hands tight behind his back, a gun in Quaritch’s pocket and they would just walk around the perimeter. Five or six laps made around the clearing in small steps and no words exchanged. Jake sometimes looked around him, always on edge, like help could come from any corner and he had to be prepared to attack. But the forest was quiet…Eywa was quiet. "Maybe Eywa has turned her back on you, chosen one." Ronal’s words hammered in his head, eating reason away like termites. She might’ve been right. Two weeks, fourteen days and no one came after him, no worriers, no war party. It was dead silent.

   Yet, after the first week, despite him surviving the craziness of Quaritch, he couldn’t survive his own. He would always woke up before the sunrise, curved in a fetal position, thinking. What happened with his family? Did Neteyam ever get a proper burial? Did Tonowari even allowed them to remain there after everything Jake did, after clan members died for his war, after his children’s lives were threatened for Jake’s sake? He knew that Lo’ak’s birthday was approaching fast, and he couldn’t be there for the first time in fifteen years. He wondered if he’ll ever be able to see their faces again, to hold them in his arms tightly against his chest.

   The constant thought about them brought him nightmares. One in particular kept him up more than he liked to admit due to the fact that he was too scared to have it again. But fear only brought up promises.

   He would dream of Earth, a version he saw in one of those documentary about life in the early two thousands. He always dreamed about himself in his human form, bound to the wheelchair that changed his life, walking alone in an amusement park. He would pass mirrors that didn’t show his reflection, humans carrying dead Na’vi in wheelbarrows, but most of the time he would pass by Tommy and their parents, disgust on their faces, bloody hands, bullet wounds in their chests, screaming. “You did this to us! You brought humanity’s end, brother! Traitor! “ Over and over again they would chant that like a broken record. Jake would eventually reach a big cage with metals bars filled with crosses all over them. Quaritch, the new version, would wait for him, taking his hand and guiding him forward until they would reach the cage entrance. Neytiri and the kids were in there, trapped, like birds. Jake tried to save them every time, but in every dream he was too weak to do anything. Quaritch was in the cage in a blink of an eye, pistol in hand, bloody fangs, comets in his eyes. Then a loud BANG piercing the sky, body on the floor, cries and screams. He couldn’t look, he would turn away. Tommy was behind him, breathing down his neck, nails digging in Jake’s scalp to make him turn his head back. Quaritch laughed every time, then another bang, one more, and the last, until it went silent and the air would be filled with gunpowder and iron.

   Jake would wake up breathless, sweet covering his entire body and he wanted to scream so fucking badly. The image would linger on his retina for several minutes and he wished for nothing more than to tear out his eyes.

   That was his life, and it didn’t get any better.

   That night played out like all the rest, with Quaritch giving him a quick shower, giving him dinner, waiting for the IV bag to finish in a painful silence, followed by getting himself ‘comfortable’ on the mattress. He fell asleep quickly, but his nightmare came back just as fast. It was worse, worse than any other night. More violence, more shouting, more everything. Jake woke up with tears in eyes, sobbing uncontrollably, his chest raising and falling harshly with every breath he took. He needed to get out of there, immediately. He tried everything he could think of, from trying to tear the cuffs with his nails, to chewing with his fangs, but not a single scratch was left on them. He kept crying harder and eventually Quaritch was there, confusion on his face mixed with sleepiness and he rushed to grab Jake in his arms.

“Come on, princess, calm down.”

   Jake didn’t hear him, trashing in his hold, crying his soul out while he kept on pulling at his restraints.

“What’s wrong, Sully? Come on, talk to me.”

“Let me the fuck out!” Jake screamed, his voice rough, like an animal.

“And why in hell would I do that, princess?” Quaritch’s hand was immediately on his forehead, checking him.

   You fucking piece of shit son of a bitch I m gonna kill you with my bare hands and feed you to the first palulukan I see

“The nightmare…’ Jake barely managed to say. “ You killed them…I can’t breathe. Please, Miles.”

   Before he knew it, the cuffs were off, but the pain in his chest and the image before his eyes didn’t vanish. Quaritch kept holding him, a hand on his forehead and one under his shirt, palm flat on his heart, murmuring something in his ear.

   BANG! Keep looking, brother! You did this! MaJake! Dad!

“Punch me!” Jake looked him dead in the eyes when he said it. Small hiccups started leaving his lips from all the crying. Quaritch looked at him like he was insane.

“You heard me, you son of a bitch! Fucking punch me! Make me forget! Make me-…fuck, just do something. I can’t…can’t see them anymore.” Quaritch kept holding him tightly, his hesitation killing Jake from the inside. He kept his burning gaze over Jake’s face to make sure it wasn’t some kind of trick. Jake let his fingernails dig painfully in Quaritch’s biceps, leaving red marks, splitting up flesh.

“Make me forget, Miles! Please!”

   Quaritch pulled him up in his lap, his fingers sliding over Jake’s drenched skin. He lifted up Jake’s shirt and threw it away, and Jake started shaking from the sudden cold.

“We don’t need punches for that but- Hey! Look at me, Jake!”

   Jake tried, he really did, but when he looked in those golden eyes he saw blood and gunpowder filling up cages, and his breathe heaved, clutching as his chest.

“I know a better way to help you, ok? You just have to let me.”

   Jake hummed in agreement, lowering his gaze, hiding his face in the crook of Quaritch’s neck. His crying turned to whimpers and a continuation of small hiccups. Quaritch was all over him, caressing his skin, his hands traveling down to Jake’s navel to massage his skin. Jake closed his eyes, trying desperately to cling to the sensation and not the images.

   Then Quaritch’s lips were over his right shoulder, leaving small kisses on his cold skin and Jake was caught off guard. The long fingers went downwards until they wrapped around Jake’s dick, pumping him softly while his left hand was on one of his nipples, playing around with the forming nub. But Jake didn’t want that, his brain craved pain.

“Not there.” he said as he grabbed Quaritch’s hand from his dick, bringing it lower, until fingers brushed over his clit. “Make it hurt.”

   Jake again felt like he was talking with the walls, as Quaritch kept up his gentle touches and soft kisses, and Jake hated every single second of it. He didn’t need that. He didn’t deserve that. Why couldn’t the bastard just throw a hard punch in his gut and call it a day? Maybe if he said something stupid again. Yeah, that could work.

“You fucking pervert, I hate you with all my guts.”

“Mhm.”

“I pray you die and rot in hell, you filthy old demon.”

“Whatever you say, princess.”

   Quaritch kept rubbing Jake’s clit in slow circular motion, putting pressure from time to time, letting a finger slide between the wet folds of his cunt and he hissed every time bolts of pleasure would spike up his entire body. He tried to hide his face with his hands, but Quaritch grabbed them, pulling them away. His chin was grabbed, turned head to leave a kiss on his healing scar from his check. They were only inches apart, a small push forward and he would feel his lips, would taste the mouth of the man that was making his mind fall into madness. The demon leaned in, sultry lips upon his own, soft skin, like velvet. Fine, bastard, have it your way. Jake kissed back, hungrily, his tongue demanding entrance and Quaritch let him, engulfing him, sucking the life out of him. Jake felt like he was back in high school, back when he would get sloppy seconds with whatever boy and girl would gave him five minutes of attention.

   Jake moaned softly in Quaritch’s mouth when he felt the fingers changing rhythm, his clit buzzing from pleasure. That’s when he did it. He bit down hard against Quaritch’s tongue until he sensed copper in his mouth, and Quaritch finally, finally, pushed his fingers hard inside Jake. He cried in pain as two fingers pushed into his tight muscles, followed by a pistoning motion, in and out, in and out and by the time Quaritch added a third, he didn’t know whether to seek out the pain from the stretch or the pleasure felt every time the demon brushed a tender spot inside him. He chose both.  He felt again velvet lips on his neck, laud moans escaping his mouth, his fists finding Quaritch’s thighs, back arched to chase the feelings. His cunt kept clenching and unclenching, lumps of slick coming out of him, covering Quaritch’s hand. His inner walls tightened hard. Same soft lips found the shell of his ear, biting gently between soft whispers, “come on, princess”, “come for me”. When the fourth finger tried to find its way inside, Jake came hard, a raw scream ripped out of him, and he saw stars. So much pleasure, like nothing he ever felt in his entire life, running in his veins, his mind cloudy, body relaxed but tired. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back on Quaritch’s shoulder. In that blissful haze he thought he heard Quaritch mumbling something like “…’s all it took, ha?...” but maybe he just imagined it.

   Moments later, he felt Quaritch shifting under him. Just then he realized that his tail was wrapped around the demon’s right leg. He flinched, pulling himself out of Quaritch’s lap until his back hit the wall. Quaritch shushed him, his left hand stroking Jake’s hair gently, while the other was resting on his knee, drenched in slick and Jake’s cheeks burned in shame. He looked away.

“Eyes on me, Jake.”

   But he couldn’t do it.  All of a sudden his head was heavy, begging for sleep. Quaritch didn’t like that. He grabbed his wrist lifting it back to the cuffs.

“Can you not…just this night?” Jake begged as he moved a little forward until his forehead touched Quaritch’s leg. He tried again to look in the golden eyes, but his gaze fell flat on the big bulge that was in front of him. Quaritch ignored him, pulling harder on his wrist.

“The good guy card expired, princess.”

   Jake remained silent. Don’t push it. Quaritch left quickly after that, and Jake was finally able to put his head to rest peacefully, without any dreams.

…

   In the morning, the reality of the situation hit him hard like a brick. He couldn’t believe himself, that he let his guard down like that, that he stooped so low in front of Quaritch. He let Quaritch touch him, without a fight, without thinking what would that mean in the future. Future. Jake never thought he would make it this far. For some unknown reason, after his parents died, he always considered that he’ll go out around the same age as they did. Now, he passed that mark being grateful everyday to be alive. But with Quaritch, far from everything he loved, tied and trapped like an animal for a mad man’s revenge and amusement, Jake felt like he lived enough, like death would just be a gift granted by Eywa. No, stop it. You NEED to be strong.

   He realized that he was also missing the bigger picture of his entire new 'relationship' with Quaritch. The demon was right, he wasn’t the same man, having Jake to deal with an even worse version, if that was even possible. The old Quaritch would’ve never left what happened between them come into existence.  New Quaritch was …strange, to say the least. One moment he was threatening him to kill his entire family, and in the other, he was kissing his wounds, taking care of him like some kind of lover, and his mind got flabbergasted by the two oppositions. Whatever the RDA did to these copies, it was clear as day why you shouldn’t play God, why you shouldn’t just bring someone back from the dead. It was clear as day that somewhere, some screws were loosened, and he was the one who had to face the consequences. But that was the catch, wasn’t it? This Quaritch was different, he was a man that cared enough for Spider to compromise his mission in order to save him, a man who still couldn’t hear the name of the mother of his child after her death, a man that found him on the floor crying his heart out and in his fucked up way, helped. If he took it slowly, if he completely let go of his self esteem, he might actually have a chance to get out in one piece. Self esteem. What was it anyway? Quaritch had already taken almost everything from him in all physical ways. He had to stay alert, wrap him around his fingers somehow, say what the demon needed to hear to gain his trust little by little, until he would let his guard down enough for him to get out of there. Compromise but don’t make it obvious. Fight back some, but pull back just as fast.

   So when Quaritch came back, Jake played nice. He took a shower under watchful glowing eyes, washing away any remaining evidence of the night before. He received another clean shirt soaked with the demon’s scent, which for some reason smelled sweeter, Quaritch helping him putting it on, as per usual, and leading Jake back to the metal table. Hands were cuffed in front of himself by the metal bar, cup and protein bar just within reach and one big grumpy ass was sitting next to him on the other chair, messing around with a screw nut and some sandpaper. Weird. Jake needed to grab his attention, so he slightly tapped the table with his fingers before reaching for the cup. Quaritch threw his a small annoyed glance. Jake immediately tipped the cup over his head, drinking it like a shot, licking his lips.

“You know…” Jake said as he gathered with a finger what was left on the bottom “… what happened last night will never happen again.” Quaritch stayed silent, sandpaper rustling in his hand, but his eyes were fixed on him. Jake put his finger in his mouth, sucking off the little bit of cum that was left. He kept going back, licking his finger, though there was nothing left. He tried to look at ease, slightly bored, but the stiffness in Quaritch’s tail kept him on edge.

“Did I asked for your opinion on the matter, Sully?” Sully, not Jake, not princess. Fuck.

   Jake took a mental note and grabbed the protein bar. He ate it in two bites, his stomach grumbling violently for something more. He couldn't remember what was it like to not feel that constant feral hunger.

“I’m still hungry.” Jake said with the calmest voice he could muster.

“And fucking chatty apparently.” Quaritch slammed the screw nut on the table, the object looking rounder already. He leaned forward, elbows on knees, tail lashing behind him. “Last night surely didn’t mean you can get all buddy-buddy with me.” Jake exhaled loudly through his nose.

“Me starving has nothing to do with last night. My stomach is always stuck by my spine, and yes the IV keeps me alive, but what happens when you run out of them? You get to stuff yourself everyday like a pig but I’m not fucking blind. In another week you’ll run out of food and medical supplies, and then what? We gonna eat each other? You gonna run back to your RDA friends to ask for more supplies for your torture experiment?... Or will you just finally let me die? “

   Quaritch got up, coming close to him, resting his elbow on the table, the other hand on his hip, and that grotesque smirk back on his face.

“You’re done?” Jake lowered his gaze, like he just realized what he had done. “You’re on really thin ice, Sully.” Jake took his hands off the table, bowing his head even more.

“I’ll do what you want for it.”

   Quaritch reached out his hand and grab Jake by the chin, lifting his head back up. Golden flames, burning comets, bloody fangs.

“You should really stop throwing that promise around. We both know you’re shit at keeping up with it.”

“I will.” Jake said raising his voice.

“Yeah? Then what if I said get up, bend over and spread you legs, ha? Would you?” Jake swallowed dryly, mouth bitter, shoulders slumped, pulling himself out of Quaritch’s grip. “That’s what I thought.”

   Quaritch returned his attention to the screw nut, tossing it between his fingers. Under the florescent light, Jake really took in for the first time Quaritch’s appearance, a wave of anger and envy floating inside his brain. The asshole looked so young and smug. His wounds healed faster and cleaner, his body was stronger, healthier and Jake’s skin boiled at those observations. It was the biggest middle finger life could ever throw at him. His good friends, some of his family, were dead, buried deep, while this demon torn from hell could just walk around like nothing bad ever happened, like he didn’t literally brought his hell on Pandora. And it just wasn’t fair. What did Grace ever did so badly that she ended up ripped away from her life, one lived so peacefully, in harmony with Pandora and everything that it represented? Why did Trudy have to die for a fight that wasn't hers, to save a species capable of eradicating another just to survive, like parasites? What had Neytiri's father and sister done wrong? All they'd done was to live their lives and in a second their lives had turned upside down, invaded, targeted by an enemy they couldn't fight back with the same force. His son was gone, gone in a blink of an eye, gone before he even knew what life meant. He will never have him back, not in a physical form. All that just for the parasites to conquer, shit, kill, rinse and repeat, until they would destroy this planet as well.

“Tell you what… you answer me some questions, truthfully, and I might change your diet, hm?

Jake kept staring at him, calculating the right move.

“Come on now, Sully! You want the rough version where I pull out teeth and fingernails?"

Yes, give me every single little piece of pain ‘cause I’ll be better than ever feeling your monstrous skin on mine.

“No.”

"You used your brain for once, princess..."

   He pulled out a thin leather cord that he tied to the piece of metal, putting it back in his pants pocket. He got up and went to the small kitchen, where he started to prepare a piece of the few remaining steaks. Jake remained alert, thinking about how he should answer Quaritch, if he should lie, tell the truth, or meet the answers somewhere in the middle. Each new piece of information that Quaritch acquired could become a new layer of danger for the people or for himself.

   He returned with the steaming plate and a trash can, the same divine scents of earthy and pandorian spices awakening a primitive hunger in Jake. Quaritch cut the steak into small pieces, took his chair and again, placed everything just outside of Jake's reach. The demon made himself comfortable in the chair, placed the trash can between his legs and started playing with the fork.

"So…what did you dream about last night?"

   Yeah, right, you piece of shit…

"I don’t remember."

   Quaritch let a piece of the juicy meat to fall into the trash can. He sighed deeply, rolling his eyes.

"What did you dream about last night, Sully?"

   He received the same answer, the same consequence followed and Jake's heart tightened a little.

"Alright, let's change the subject. The ponytail, what would happen if…”

"No! And it's called 'kuru', but any question you have about it, the answer is no!"

    Quaritch scrunched up his nose. Another bite made its way to the bottom of the trash can along with the others and for two seconds, Jake imagined how he would break those damn handcuffs and throw himself head first after them.

"At this rate, you will end up eating the plate. Eyes on me! What would happen if someone already mated connected with someone else?”

   No, no, lie to him. Why does he want to know this? He cannot know about such a thing.

"It would mean nothing."

   Burning comets looked through half-opened eyelids, venous gorges strained, soft and dead flesh plunged into the abyss made of recyclable parts.

"It's about your food, not mine. The question remains the same."

If you tell him it's over, the madman will use that against you. It will destroy you from the inside until there is nothing left, until the gray matter evaporates completely and you will remain only a doll caught in the demon's threads, until you take your last breath. But if you keep lying to him, you'll watch yourself become a pale shadow, worn by the wind, and when the opportunity comes, all you'll be able to do is sit back and watch it pass by you.

Quaritch let him think, come up with a better answer, but the way the demon changed his face for a split second, a soft smile hiding behind that calm look, made him think that maybe he somehow knew it already.

"The connection is sacred between two partners.” Jake said through clenched teeth.  “It's a bond for life, pure, which allows both mates to see the memories, feelings and sensory input of the other. To sever that connection is a great sin for them, although it has happened before, when for various reasons the Na'vi decided to continue their lives in other clans, under another love...but that comes with consequences.” Jake took a deep breath, feeling a knot in his stomach that stirred like the waves of the sea. "It is said that the former couple feels an endless physical and mental pain, as if something is dying inside you, until one of them restores a connection with a new person. A song tells that this pain can happen for dozens of eclipses in a row."

   It was heartbreaking to think about it, the simple fact that the demon could have harmed someone like him and Neytiri. If he lost her, he would lose everything.

   Quaritch raised the fork to Jake’s lips and Jake couldn't help but moan slightly when the piece of heaven made contact with his taste buds. He ate it in a hurry, he swallowed it too quickly, leaving himself hanging only onto the aftertaste.

"Can you get pregnant?"

   If Jake was still chewing, he would surely have choked, spat, and punched Quaritch squarely between the eyes. The demon read the indignation splattered on his face.

"Easy, princess, don't make false illusions in that little head of yours." he said, laughing lightly. "Anyway, you have enough of those half-breeds with your crazy wife, four spawns out of the she-devil. Sorry, three." Jake growled, clenching his fists under the table. "I just want to know if you need the after pill."

   Just breathe.

"Yes and no... it happens extremely rarely. It's like a conservation mechanism, in case too few or no women are born in a generation."

   Quaritch fed him another bite and this time Jake savored the hell out of it, taking his sweet time.

“I don’t even know why you get so railed up ‘bout this body anyway. It’s not even yours, isn’t it, Jake?”

   He froze, his pupils widening, a cloud of revolt hovering over him. Quaritch pulled himself closer, bringing the plate with him, but Jake could only focus on the demon’s mouth, waiting to see what curses would come out of it.

“ I mean, I’m talking with you princess, but I’m actually looking at Tom Sully, am I not? I heard only good things, never had the pleasure to meet the man, but I’m sure he was delightful.”

   Quaritch pushed the plate under Jake’s nose, passing the fork in his hands. He stood up walking behind Jake, placed his hands on his shoulders and squeezed lightly.

“I can’t stop wondering what your brother would think about seeing you defiling his body?”

   Shut up you son of

“Admit it, Jake. You’re just a copy of a copy, a ghost walking in a dead man’s body, just like me, but at least mine was made for myself.”

   Shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up

“Think of it, you killed his people wearing his skin. You’re killing humanity’s chance of survival parading Tom Sully’s bones and flesh. “

   No, no, no, I am not. This is not… I am my own person. I would never…Tommy would understand.

   Quaritch leaned closer to his ear, his right hand lowering over Jake’s collarbone.

“ The little half-breeds you’re so ready to die for are not even yours. “

   Jake felt a cord implode in his chest.

“Don’t you fucking dare talk about my children!” He screamed as he tried to turn and bite Quaritch’s hand off his collarbone.

   The demon grabbed Jake by the scruff of his neck, holding him down against the table, plate pushed and scattered to the floor.

"If I'd known that I could win the fight with you just with simple words..."

   Everything was collapsing around him, the space of the room was becoming tighter, trapped, held down. He saw trenches and accidents, a cracked spine and a bullet wound through blue skin.

"Don't touch me! Let me go!"

"I see that after so many days you still don't want to understand, Sully. You keep forgetting who's in charge. Do you really think I'm so stupid that I can't see what you do sometimes? Do you think I don't know when you're pretending to be the obedient dog?"

   Cold hands slid over his body. All he heard were gunshots and sobs mixed with his own voice, begging everyone not to leave, not to abandon him.

"Get this in your thick skull, princess. You're mine! Nobody will save you. I won't let you slip through my fingers again. All this…” said Quaritch grabbing Jake brutally by the kuru, lowering the hold along his braid “and this..” he said pulling his tail, to then move his hold over Jake's cunt. "You're all mine!"

   A mouse caught in a trap and all he could do was be a simple spectator. Everything was burning, his mind along with the memories, the touches of the demon that seemed to be whips made of thorns.

   He was crying but he didn't know he was doing it, paralyzed between two worlds, one in which he was tearing the demon in two, tearing arteries, sinking his teeth into a heart blackened by poison, until only bones remained. Then there was the world in which he wanted help, in which the demon was dissolving his memories and guilt, leaving him empty like a void.

   His heart beat in his chest like the wings of a hummingbird. He tried to say something, but all that came out of his mouth were useless babbling. Quaritch wiped the tears from his face.

"I promised I'd break you, Jake, and I'm a man of my word." The demon untied the handcuffs, but Jake remained inert, barely breathing, his gaze lost, the slight flutter of his tail being the only sign that he was still alive.

"And the beauty in that is that you'll let me, isn't it? You know you deserve it.”

   He saw cages, mirrors, parents, Tommy, sons, daughters, Neytiri, flesh, blood, hospital gowns, running feet, Toruk, burning tree, death.

   I don’t, I-… You failed everything, you cause them all their pain and suffering, you destroy everyone’s life because you were selfish, because your big brother died, because you wanted the paycheck, you wanted to see what’s out there and escape your pathetic insignificant past and life. You fucking do. You deserve everything.

   He turned Jake to face him. Wet kisses invaded his face. He tasted soft lips until all he could feel was the aroma of the demon making its way into his nervous system. Quaritch grabbed his thighs, pulling them apart, throwing his legs over his shoulders. He bent over him again, marking the territory with fingerprints and saliva on every centimeter of Jake's body.

   Fire upon fire, embers burning with each rub of the demon at his core, and Jake was grinding with a sickening pain. He wanted so ardently to forget everything, Neteyam's death, the nightmares and all the bad memories. It was so wrong, but it felt so good. Why does it feel so good? No, I don't want this, not from him, not-

   He opened his tearful eyes and saw the comets burning, sipping his gaze, blue skin filled with constellations and he felt the need to touch them and lose himself inside them. Quaritch kissed him again, the tenderness gradually fading away, giving way to lust that was growing in both of them.

"Miles." Jake moaned between kisses, putting his arms around Quaritch's neck. He lowered two fingers to Jake's entrance, gently pushing into the tight wet walls until they disappeared into his cunt. Jake was out of breath. Slick flowed from him around the fingers, melting his brain under the warm touches. He arched his back, his cunt clenching, trying to suck Quaritch's hand deep inside him.

"Mine!" Quaritch groaned and Jake could feel his cock pulsing along his thigh. Quaritch quickly dropped his pants. He slammed his cock inside, pushing Jake forward onto the table. Jake was shaking, being consumed by that carnal pleasure. Each time his cunt stretched out, he gripped Quaritch harder, until his fingernails left red marks on blue skin. Quaritch pushed him back dawn onto the table, grabbing his hands in his, the other gripping his throat. He fucked him almost without a rhythm, his massive cock hitting the sensitive cervix every time, and Jake had bitten his lip until he felt blood to stay silent. A thrust at the right angle and he rolled his eyes, his cunt milking the demon intensely.

"Fuck, princess, you're so tight."

   The demon grabbed him by the hips, turning him on his side, with one leg hanging over the table and the other still over the muscular shoulder. The new angle made Jake see stars. He wanted to stick his hands into something, anything, but all he could do was hold on to the edge of the table. Quaritch's gaze ate him up, like the best dessert, like a drug he can't get enough of. When their eyes met again, they both froze for a second. Quaritch's cock throbbed when he saw his teary red eyes, the subtle blush on his cheeks growing with each touch. He kissed him again, and again, until Jake could feel his lips burning. Then his mouth moved downwards on his neck, thrusting into him with all his might, and he let out a small yelp. Everything was so pleasant, so perfect. It was so wrong. Sinner! You’ll pay for this. It was way too much.

   Quaritch's knot forced his cunt with each thrust. Jake shivered with pleasure, his toes curling. A little more, that's all they needed. Quaritch breathed heavily over him, skin on skin, joined together as one, and Jake could feel the intense heat gathering under his belly. Constellations hit by constellations in a frenzy, a wet tongue on the hollow of his neck, and then sharp fangs piercing sweet flesh. The knot sank as much as it could in the wetness, his cunt contracting madly and they both came at the same time.

   Jake sighed slowly as he felt the liquid heating him up inside. Quaritch fell on top of him, heart on heart, letting go of Jake’s hands.

"Damn." he growled as he pulled out.

   They remained in that position for a few minutes. Jake, with his mind clouded, put a hand on Quaritch's arm, breathing lightly. The demon hid his face in Jake's hair, inhaling hard. His cum slowly slid from Jake to the edge of the table, a few drops falling to the floor.

   For the first time in many years, there was nothing but silence in Jake's mind.

…

When you ever feel that scared again just remember to take deep breaths, just like I’ve shown you. Yes, that’s right, in and out, just like that. You are doing great. I know how normal things can seem scary sometimes. I feel scared a lot of the times. I do, I really do, but I just try to remember small things like what’s my full name, where am I, where do I live, what are mom's and dad's names. Things like that.

--

It’s ok to cry. You can cry if you feel like it, it doesn’t mean you are weak, it just means you need to let go of a little bit of pressure. I’ve cried many times, but you just didn’t see me. I just wanted to look brave in your eyes. You can also talk to me, anytime, about anything that’s on your mind and I’ll promise to listen each and every single time. There’ll be moments when I won’t be able to be there with you, but just remember that no matter after how many weeks we see each other again, I’ll always give you the biggest hug in the world, ok?

--

I’ll always care for you no matter where I go, even if they send me over the state, or over the entire galaxy. I’ll come back, I won’t leave you here, not after everything we’ve been through. This isn’t a goodbye, just a small 'see you soon'. Ok, little brother?

Chapter Text

2142

   Nothing was going to be all right. Jake slammed the door behind him, storming through the small entrance hall to his bedroom. Adrenaline was still flowing through his veins, he felt followed, eyes on the back of his neck. Everything would calm down when he would be alone in his thoughts between those four walls of his borrowed bedroom. He didn't feel or see Tommy when he practically stuck himself to the bedroom door like a barrier.

"Do you have any idea what time it is? I haven't seen you for three days and now you appear in the middle of the night like a ghost? Do I even wanna know where you’ve been? Jake!”

   Jake took a few steps back. He pulled the hood of his sweatshirt better over his face. He rummaged through his pockets until he found what he was looking for. He reluctantly took out the watch and placed it in Tommy's hands. Tommy looked perplexed at the thing that probably cost more money than they had in their entire lives put together. Jake slipped past him into the bedroom, throwing himself onto his old but welcoming bed. A soft hiss broke the silence as his nose made contact with the hard mattress.

"Jake, what the hell is this?"

"Payment for those biology courses you still want to apply to." he answered while sinking his head deeper between the mattress and the pillow. His head had started to throb. "That way, I won't see you washing floors and toilets for idiots like the one I got it from. So, you’re welcome, brother."

   He couldn't see Tommy's face, but he could feel the heavy air that had settled in the room. He sighed. The mattress sagged deeply to one side, the springs creaking irritatingly in his head. A warm hand rested on his cold leg, on the pants that felt dump from the rain.

"Turn around and look at me."

"Just say what you have to say and let me sleep."

"Jake, I'm serious, turn around right now!"

   He mustered up the courage to leave the false shelter, the hood falling from his face. Fresh blood remained on the recently changed sheet. He slowly turned on his side, the one where his ribs didn't hurt so much. If he still needed to know what he looked like, the image was quite clear from his brother's marbled face.

"Who did this to you? Where did you get this watch, Jake? If you don't start explaining, then so help me God..."

"Calm down! It's not as bad as it seems."

"Not as bad as it seems?! You come home at 2 in the morning, after three days in which no one knew where you are, with a bruised face, probably a broken nose, split lip and a watch, that is most likely worth as much as this house, and you tell me it's nothing serious?! If someone finds out about this, your ass can say goodbye to the army. You can go to jail. What's wrong with you, little brother?"

"Can you stop calling me that? You're ten minutes older than me...We're both sixteen, Tommy."

"Well clearly one of us acts that way!..."  There it was, the disappointed look that he'd seen before, but never on his brother. "Stop changing the subject and tell me what you did, Jake!"

   Jake nervously ran his hands through his hair. He looked at his brother and saw that he had tears in his eyes. He cursed lightly between his teeth.

"The bastard won't even miss it. He probably has dozens of watches just like that one. I can no longer bear to know you on your knees for hours on end for their shity money. I only had to be on my knees once, and the fool didn't suspect anything at all."

"Then why do you look like that?"

"His-...ahm... his boyfriend got home earlier than expected..." Perfect lie for something much worse. Tommy didn't have to know.

   His brother looked at the watch bitterly and cried. He got up and placed it on the bedside table. He looked so tired, huge dark circles around his eyes, messy hair.

"In the morning I will try to take it to the police through a person..."

"But, Tommy-"

"I don't wanna hear comments, Jake!"

   Tommy turned to face his brother. Two lonely souls in the world, two almost identical drops of water, each struggling to prove that they will succeed. They were just two children trying to act like adults. Tommy crouched at Jake's feet, taking his injured face in his hands.

"I don't want you to ever do that again, Jake! You hear me? I'm the one who has to take care of you, not the other way around, little brother. You don't have to take care of me, or worry about money, or about tomorrow. Do you understand?"

"But that's not right, Tommy. You always do everything."

"No! I made mom a promise..." Jake grabbed his arm, squeezing it gently. "I'm the big brother, it's my duty, Jake! Under no circumstances should you ever think about such a thing again, not even if we stay on the streets, not even if we live in a ditch on the outskirts of the city. You wanna help me? Take care of school and stop doing shit like this."

   Jake also crouched on the floor next to Tommy, hugging him tightly. He rested his head on his brother's shoulder.

"We have each other, little brother. I will always be here for you, no matter what life throws our way! No one will want our well being as we will each other, not strangers, not Mrs. Marsh, not even those whom we calls 'friends'. The two of us are currently our only family, so let's try to keep it that way... I can't lose you over stupid shit like this."

"…Why are you so wise sometimes, Tommy?"

   Tommy laughed, but Jake couldn't help but notice the emptiness behind that laugh, to feel the weight on his brother's shoulders from all those years since their parents died. He hugged Tommy tighter and prayed for his brother and for all those words to remain true.

"Come on, knucklehead! I want to dress your wounds before you bleed all over the house."

   Two drops of water against the universe, but they were fighting together.

---

Where are you now, Tommy?

   A huge fog had settled over that part of Pandora. It had been raining for two weeks without interruption, the waters cleansing everything in their way. Jake could no longer bear the sound of the drops breaking on the boards of the shack, keeping him awake, alert, scared. He was trapped in a labyrinth made up of fragments of memories and overwhelming moments of the present, through which he crossed every day in the hope that he would eventually come out. Two more weeks had passed, and the escape route had dissipated from his imagination. There was no way to break out of his restrains, no way to safely fool Quaritch and just somehow run away. There was no light peeking through that dark, shallow hell he was living in.

   Nightmares continued to haunt his peace. The aftermath was more tragic than those terrifying moments, because everything came down to the demon, to the way his presence had become an extension of Jake. Quaritch took advantage of every opportunity, every moment of Jake's hesitation. When he found him in those states, there was only one option, the one in which Jake was under him, docile, willing. The worst part was that the poison the demon was filling his head with was starting to take root in Jake's subconscious. He was beginning to see through his eyes and realized all the evil and danger to which he had exposed all the people who had loved him in that life. Maybe the two of them weren’t so different after all.

   He couldn't even look in the mirror anymore. All he saw now was a coward. You are doing this for them. You just got to endure it. What kind of  father would you be otherwise? Every bitter, gut wrenching thing you’re doing is for the kids. But, was it really? There had been times, he wasn't going to lie, where he could have caught Quaritch off guard, fought with everything he had one last time to end the stupid game they were in. One last time. That was what scared him the most. He was no longer a human attached to an avatar, he was Na'vi. He had one life, one last chance, and if he made mistakes then that was it, game over, no restart button and then... what? Everything would have been in vain, the sacrifice of everyone around him, their deaths, only for him to met his end at the hands of the demon.

   About one thing Jake was absolutely right. They were running out of supplies. Quaritch was getting more and more frustrated with each passing day, Jake could see that clearly. What he could not see, however, was how they would continue their madness. There was no way they could stay there, none of them would have survived. With too much free time on his hands, Jake continued to make little scenarios where Quaritch leaves him there to rot, until someone finds his bones, or one in which the demon eventually takes him away as a gift to the RDA. That would've meant another week or so of torture, just to play with his mind, to show him who wins in the end, or maybe they would offer him a quick, clean death, as soon as he set foot on the base.

   A small detail had changed the rhythm of their activities. For the last few days, one of Quaritch's communicators had been malfunctioning, making static noises. He had noticed it by mistake while trying to recover data on the holopad. A constant buzzing broke the silence every few hours, as if someone was trying to use it to send a message. Jake had thought long and hard about whether to offer his help to the demon. He had repaired quite a few communicators in the past. He got pretty decent at it, since the children kept breaking them while playing. He fixed most of them for Lo’ak.  He decided to wait, to choose the right moment, when he can ask for something in exchange, but during those days he realized that the demon had nothing left to offer him.

  When Quaritch returned that morning with the same frown and worry on his face, he knew that there’s wasn’t much time left for him. "Maybe Eywa has abandoned you."  "You brought this war here."  "Sinner, you will pay for what you did."  "Everything you ever loved will perish by your hand."

   Same routine, same dance. Get up, go to the bathroom, let blue hands wash you, dress you, sit at the table calmly with purple wrists and biting cuffs.

   Quaritch was pacing back and forward like a mad man. Every time a bolt of lightning struck and lit up the room, Jake sworn the demon looked like he was ripped out from one of the horror books he'd read on Earth. Although it had cooled down lately, due to the storms, Quaritch was wearing only a tank top and cargo pants. Jake, on the other hand, was still butt naked from his waist down, shivering most of the day, yet Quaritch wasn’t impressed by that. "Little sluts need to show off their goods.” or something along those lines. Jake was convinced that Quaritch was going to leave a hole in the floor from how much he'd been circling around the supply cupboards, as if he was going to get surprised and they would fill in on their own. Whatever the original plan may have been, it most certainly wasn't this.

   Quaritch finally pulled out the box of protein bars. Only two fell on the table. Great. He pushed one toward Jake, the other kept it for himself. He sat down in the chair next to Jake, slowly opening the package, a grimace on his face. Jake waited...and waited and didn't understand what was happening.

"Where's the plastic cup?"

   Quaritch stopped. The corner of his mouth lifted a little, comets were starting to burn.

"Do the math, princess. We have less of everything, which means less food, which results in less energy, so your portion is also cut." A long pause followed. "Why, you crave it?"

   Jake tore open the bar, he felt his face burning from embarrassment.

"It is what it is, at this point."

   They ate in silence, each biting little by little from their bars, both wishing it wouldn't end so soon. Jake even licked the wrapper, not wanting to leave any crumbs behind. Quaritch waited for him, to then move him to the surgical table.

   He searched again in anger among the empty boxes for another IV bag. He growled and threw everything that came in his way. He finally found one last bag, biting his lips in frustration. Jake would’ve laughed if his life didn't depend on it. Quaritch lifted the sleeve of his shirt more to find a place to insert it. Jake's hands turned over that month into real paintings. Spots upon spots of different tones, from purple to green, covered his arms from the biceps to his wrists. Dissatisfied, Quaritch turned his left hand to face him, tracing the vein above Jake's knuckles with his fingertips. He told him to clench his fist and gently inserted the cannula with the needle. He had busted that vein too, of course, and Jake couldn't tell if Quaritch was really that clumsy at it even after all that practice, or if he was simply doing it on purpose. While they were waiting, the demon's hands did not let go of his arm, running his fingers over each bruise, examining them carefully.

His blood is in you, it pumps your heart. Of course he's fascinated by it.

   Quaritch moved his attention up to his collarbone, where the hem of his shirt barely hid the hickeys left by his hungry mouth. Slightly above, were two small holes, almost perfectly symmetrical with those on the opposite shoulder, where the demon's fangs had pierced the flesh. Those were extremely difficult to heal for being reopened so many damn times, more difficult even than the wounds left by the ikran. He pulled Jake closer, feeling him shiver slightly from the coldness of the room. The body heat made Jake come even closer by himself, discretely spreading his legs further so the demon could scoot over.

What are you doing, you fool? Pull out the needle and stick it in his eye. Run!

   No, he couldn't do that. He was practically tied by the hands and feet with an invisible cord, one that guaranteed tragic consequences if broken. Jake swallowed hard when the demon ran a hand through his hair gently massaging his scalp. They were so close. Constellations caressing constellations. Comets burning in the darkness of the storm. Two hearts beating in tandem. Closer and closer, lips almost brushing together.

   They both flinched as the communicator beeped for the millionth time, Quaritch cursing as he walked away from him. Jake let out the breath he didn't know he was holding in his chest.

Coward. Idiot. You would've left him, you would have stood there like a piece of wood and you would've let him stick his tongue in your mouth.

   Quaritch cursed again, pulling at his face. His frustration was so easy to read now. The holopad continued to give erroneous messages when connecting to the communicator. The static kept breaking the silence every few seconds, like a vinyl record bouncing off a needle.

"I can try to fix it if you let me."

"Yeah? And then you want to call your wife too, right?"

"You can take it out of my hands at any time. Besides, I'm just as sick of that sound as you are."

   Quaritch gave in, defeated by the new technology and threw the communicator at him. The demon pushed him off the table and took with him the IV still connected to Jake's hand. Quaritch dragged him into the bathroom, where he sat Jake on the toilet seat, the IV hanging from the edge of the mirror. From the cupboard above the mirror he took out a blade. Jake froze.

"Time to fix what I did to you on the beach." said Quaritch pointing the blade at Jake's hair. "Are you gonna behave or do I have to pull out handcuffs, princess?"

"I’ll be good." Quaritch lightly pat him on the head.

   They both went to work. Jake expected to find the device in worse condition considering the noises it was making, but on the surface, it was intact. Most likely a little bit of sea water had entered near one of the speakers. Quaritch meanwhile was all over him, combing his hair with his fingers, grabbing and cutting strands equally. He carefully turned Jake's head, shaving the newly grown hair from the sides. It felt like a caress. The buzzing of the device was mixing with the sound of the blade cutting hair, memories, DNA. From the outside, the whole scene seemed domestic, syrupy to someone who wouldn't have known the past behind everything in that room.

   The IV bag was slowly draining through his veins and arteries, giving him a slight burst of energy. He found out the communicator’s problem. He had to change some cables between them, reset the frequency, and in theory be able to hear any message clearly. Quaritch disappeared for a few seconds, leaving the blade on the edge of the sink, and Jake kept his eyes on the sharp edge of it. A siren's call, the light of a lighthouse through a murderous storm. His palms were itchy from the sudden sweating. He stretched out his hand slightly. Steal it! Hide it! No. He’s not that dumb. He'll realize that you took it. You'll destroy any semblance of trust.

   Quaritch returned with a towel and a bottle of shampoo before he could change his mind. The blade remained in the same spot, taunting him.

"Put it down and come over here."

   Jake left the communicator reset on the tile and rotated himself on the toilet lid until his head could lean over the sink. Quaritch began to wash him. The warm water melt him in a relaxing state. He let his eyes close for a few seconds, lost in the sensation. He almost moaned when the demon's hands massaged the skin behind his ear. But what would that day be without a panic attack. Jake jumped as electrocuted when he felt Quaritch's hand unbraiding his kuru.

"No! Please, don't touch that!"

"Calm down! Spider showed me how it's done."

   He untied the rest of his hair, bringing it over the sink so he could wash it. His heart was pounding in his ears, but Quartich was gentle, moving with the utmost care with each individual strand. All Jake could see in front of his eyes were an AMP suit and a knife as big as his head. He trembled slightly.

"Are you making me pretty for when you're gonna serve me on the RDA’s platter?"

"Again with that bullshit... All the RDA knows about this is that we are all M.I.A, and that's how things will stay, got it?"

"You, breaking the rules?" Jake couldn't believe what he had just heard.

“You should be on your knees, kissing my feet, Jake. If I take you back, they’ll put you in one of those testing tubes, scoop out your brains, make you a new recombinant, ready to be sent back on the field." Light taps over his forehead.

   A trail of soap slid down his face and got into his eyes. He quickly wiped himself with one hand, blinking often. The blade had remained in the same place on the edge of the sink, untouched and practically screaming to be picked up.

"So you're free to do whatever, whenever, as long as you're off their radar?"

"Wow, princess, your wheels are really turning today."

   He lifted Jake slightly by the shoulders and wiped him off with the towel. He still couldn't believe the fact that the Quaritch in front of him came from the same man who fifteen years ago had kept him suspended by the kuru, knife at his throat, ready to offer the sentence, eternal damnation in his eyes. The new version was untangling his long strands of hair, as if he knew exactly what he was doing, as if he cared. He’s not looking. Take it. Pretend you're doing something, just reach for it.

"In this case you should really finish the transition, Miles. You should connect to a Tree of Souls.”

   Quaritch was silent for a few seconds, parting the strands to rebraid them.

"Mhm, and after that, princess, I should wear my ass out and dance around the fire, right?"

Or you could just burn, asshole.

"You don't know what you're missing, Miles! Your mind, your body, will thank you once you make the connection with Eywa."

"That's enough, princess." Quaritch replied irritably, pulling harder on one of the locks.

"You will finally be able to see, really see. Now you’re just blind to everything around you."

“Jake! I said enough..." Risk it!

"No one will be able to teach you this, Miles. Your whole perception will change."

"Sully!"

"You could see her!"

   Jake's hands were shaking on the edge of the sink. Keep talking.

"She died here…there is a chance that Eywa embraced her and if that happened, you can talk to her again."

   Jake almost whispered the last words. Mouth dry. Hummingbird wings. Blade. Quaritch kept braiding his hair, quickening his pace. They were so quiet that Jake could swear he could hear the demon's heartbeat. He leaned back further, his ass lining up perfectly with Quaritch's crotch. The demon finished the braid and turned Jake to face him. He had no expression on his face.

"You should thank me, Jake." A threat. He pullet out the IV, harshly.

   There it was again, their strange dance, and Jake felt submerged in the depth of it by now. A strange fake passion build upon a wound immune to time was fed to him one spoonful at the time. Convenient when you can not leave. Haunting dogs, that’s what they were to each other, running through this unholy mud and soil. Quaritch was able to run along the puddles, but Jake drowned little by little with each starving touch of the demon.

   Quaritch caught him between his muscular arms, one hand on either side of the sink. Jake curled into himself slightly, his head thrown back watching the comets fall under his long lashes. He also took his hands behind his back, until his palm felt the blade. Take it and spill his guts. A clean line, that's all you need.

   Jake reached for him, lips slightly parted until he felt Quaritch's soft mouth and his legs turned into jelly. Touch so soft, so sweet, like a drug that was eating out his brain and he couldn't put together why it was so addictive. It felt like soft rain on a summer evening, like consuming the best flavors created by the universe. None of them were fighting for control, they were just sharing breath, sensation, timeless passion.

You deserve your fate.

   Quaritch grabbed him hungrily by the hips, pushing his crotch into him. Tongue over tongue, strings of saliva and hot breaths and those damn constellations and Jake lost his mind, licking a strip of the luminescent dots from Quaritch's neck. Small weight pushed quickly into his palm, eyes thrown in ecstasy over his head, moans escaping his lips. His other hand cupped Quaritch, stroking him through his pants, and the demon curled his tail over Jake's leg.

   A cut in his palm. Hands reaching for the heat between his legs. Jake rested his head on Quaritch’s shoulder. The demon palmed his throbbing cunt. Blade past lips, behind gums and soft checks.

"...Colonel....copy....anyone there...over"

   They both jumped at the sound of the voice piercing through the entire room. In less than two seconds Quaritch was already on the ground, the communicator in his palms, adjusting the frequency with his shaky fingers. Jake stayed in the same place. He ran his tongue over his teeth, over the blade. It was tucked in safely.

"Talk to me, Lieutenant. What's your position? Over."

   More static sound and broken words. That voice. Jake could recognize it anywhere. This was not good. If he lived, it meant that Quaritch would no longer be alone in this operation, they would be two against one, and with those chances, Jake could really say goodbye to any crumb of  hope. He was so weak, he could barely withstand Quaritch and his mood swings, let alone another lunatic with a sponge for a brain.

   The demon took Jake after him, desperation in his eyes and gestures as if he didn't know what to do first. He grabbed a pair of handcuffs but stopped short before tying Jake's hands. He looked around the room then back at the communicator.

"Listen carefully, Jake, I'll say this only once! One, that door, can only be opened by me so don’t you even think about escaping. Two, you hear or see anyone other than me, you hide, you don't make a sound. If they find you here, they have orders to kill you on sight."

   He let go of him, hands and feet free. Quaritch quickly equipped himself with everything he needed, while trying to restore the broken connection, but was unsuccessful. Jake stood behind, pressed against the wall. Outside, the storm intensified, the wind was blowing hard, the trees were dancing to menacing rhythms, malice was falling through the raindrops. Jake had a bad feeling about all that.

   He looked at Quaritch and saw the determination in his eyes and it sent a shiver down his spine. He had seen that movie before. An unknown force made Jake move, to approach the demon with uncertain steps. He heard thunders sounding like what seemed to be shouts of battle. The sky was black, too black, struck by golden swords . Eywa abandoned you. Make him stay. Quaritch opened the door with his fingerprints, the cold wind and rain hitting them both like shards of ice. Jake got goosebumps. Quaritch clipped his gun to his belt, watching Jake out of the corner of his eye.

"You still have water for another week." he said fixing his vest and backpack.

"Miles, listen, take me with you."

"And some fruits I found yesterday while patrolling."

"You can't leave me here. Miles!”

"The generator might fail from the rains, it could go into saving mode."

"Miles, please! If you go out there and die..." Jake shouted, panic in his voice, hand over Quaritch's wrist.

"You die in here as well, so pray to your deity that I don't." He pushed Jake to the floor, getting out quickly, sliding the heavy door behind him. Hell's gate closed.

---

   His first instinct was to pull at anything he could get his hands on, from windows, to joints between boards, screws. He pulled, hit, scratched, but everything remained intact. He took a chair and threw it with all his might towards the glass panel, but it swung back and almost hit him in the head. He punched and kicked again and again, until he made new wounds on top of the old scars. He screamed and cursed, hit and fell on his ass from all the effort, exhausted. He carefully removed the blade from his mouth, testing the sharpness with his finger, a drop of blood sliding across the metal. Opportunities upon opportunities, and he had missed them all. He could have done it at the end, when Quaritch was lost in thoughts. He wouldn't have known what had happened to him. Why didn't I do it? What's wrong with me?

   He let the blade fall on the floor and lay down next to it, looking at the ceiling. He was so weak, so hungry, he would have eaten stones if given the chance. Disappointed, he remembered Quaritch's words. He made an effort to get up and started pulling all the kitchen cupboards. Some were closed, most likely opening with the demon's imprint. He finally found what he was looking for. Quaritch had gathered a handful of Yova fruits, but all together barely amounted to a meal. He put them aside. He looked everywhere for something useful, in any cupboard or drawer that could be opened, but everything was in vain. Quaritch's holopad was equally useless requiring a code to be opened.

   He was free and locked at the same time. The wave of anxiety made its way through his brain. If the demon did something wrong, if he never came back, the shack would become his grave.

   He was spinning in circles, trying to find a solution, and then he realized. The door from the shack’s extension. He pounced on it, still mentally prepared that it would also need fingerprints, but his mouth remained agape when it simply slid to the right. On one side of the new room were three bunk beds, wardrobes, gun racks and empty ammo boxes, but it wasn't that what caught Jake off guard, it was the unimaginable mess. Everything was thrown chaotically, as if those who lived there had woken up and stormed off. Jake walked among the mess and stepped on clothes with the RDA logo, magazines, cigarette butts, beer bottles, cards and the inevitable packets of gum hidden in every corner. At least I have those to eat. But again, nothing that helpful. Jake put two and two together. The demon intended to capture and keep him there, maybe not from the very beginning, but the idea definitely popped in his mind at some point after their encounter in the forest. Otherwise, why bother rebuilding the entire place?

   At the end, there was another sliding door, and like the previous one, it opened with a simple push. He knew what it was before he stepped inside. Quaritch's room. The space was small, occupied only by a double bed, two bedside tables, a desk and a metal wardrobe. On the right, there was another door leading to a bathroom. Jake froze in his step when he saw the glass panel. It was slightly cracked open at the top. He sprinted towards it. He put his right arm out through the open space, the rain kissing his skin, then he leaned over it with all his might, trying to open it more. But the panel didn’t budge even a tiny bit. He tried again, with both arms. Nothing. He punched it, bent over it and tried again and again and still nothing.

"No, no, come on!"

   Nothing worked. He let out a cry of frustration. Tears started gathering in the corner of his eyes, but he pushed them back, he had cried enough, it was time to get out of there somehow. He searched through the wardrobe and dressed after many years with a pair of boxers and cargo pants. Quaritch was a simple man, with few possessions and seemingly devoid of anything that could be considered a weapon. At the bottom of the wardrobe he found the wonderful collection of plastic cups. He took them all in his hands, folded and pressed them together into a ball.

   On the desk there were only classified documents. He looked between the lines and realized that all the papers were about him and all the attacks he had led. 'The insurgent leader ' that's how he was referred to in the vast majority of reports. What a leader...one who is unable to find his way out of a metal box.

   In one of the nightstands he found a photograph and the leather cord to which various round metal pieces were attached. The first one had a dark greenish color, like the color on the demon's pants, followed by the nut that he had seen Quaritch scraping, the last one being also circular, golden. A ring. He played with it between his fingers. Words were engraved on the inside, but they were no longer clearly distinguishable. The photo had left Jake with a bitter taste on his tongue. There was a picture of Paz Socorro and Quaritch holding baby Spider between them, both grinning, their eyes fixed on their son. He fought the urge not to tear it into a thousand pieces. He put them back exactly as he found them.

   And that was all, and he was back at ground zero, where he could only rely on a blade, precision and the hope that he would have enough courage that when Quaritch returned, if he did, he would end his life quickly. It felt like an impossible task. He wanted to rip his hair out, bang his brains into the nearest wall until he would find reason for his hesitation. This monster ruined your entire life, he killed innocent people, Neteyam is dead because of him, and what do you do in return? You hide behind scorching kisses, you lie to yourself that you allow his touches for their sake. All he asked for at first was an obedient dog and you gave him a bitch in heat. Jake knelt by the edge of the bed.

"I know you have no reason to believe in me anymore. I disappointed you, I disappointed everyone, but I beg you, give me one more chance, just one."

   The eclipse was approaching, and the colors of the sky were engulfed in fire, scorching-yellows, lava-reds and burnished browns. In that halo, even the worst sinner could touch salvation.

Chapter Text

He kept tossing and turning in the demon’s bed, clutching the covers tightly to his chest, wishing for sleep that all of a sudden wouldn’t come. He stopped tracking time after a while. What was even the point? He gathered some of the water bottles and brought them with him in the bedroom. Less movement, less energy waist. So he just stood there and waited in the comfortable blankets, getting up only to go to the bathroom, pushing time around by looking through the glass panel. Come back, you idiot. Don’t let me die in here.

---

Slammed door, tossed keys, wheels being pushed around against their will. His head was too clear, he need something to drink.

"So this is how you want to treat me, with silence and an attitude?”

Jake turned the wheelchair around, facing Tommy for the first time in many weeks since he found out the news. He put his hands on his knees, tapping lightly, ignoring his brother.

"This is childish and you know it. You think I want to do this, to fly out in space in a human size refrigerator in the hope I get there? No! But someone has to do it.”

“Yes, someone.” answered Jake frustrated. “But not you, Tommy. Why does it have to be you?”

Tommy let out a long sigh. None of them had imagined that this is how their birthday would go.

“Look, little brother, this is what I trained for, alright? All the hours of studying, all the sleepless nights, shitty jobs…all to get here. And I can make a difference, Jake. We’re talking about saving humanity.”

Jake barely listened, looking around for the whiskey bottle he just opened that morning. Better drowned than thinking about it. Tommy caught up with his thoughts, walking past him, grabbing the bottle just before Jake could reach it.

“Are you even listening?”

“Yeah, saving the world, spaceships, five years off the radar, and all that bullshit…Give me that!”

Tommy lifted it higher, a certain sorrow in his eyes.

“Talk to me, Jake. Don’t do this…”

“How much?”

Tommy took a step back.

“It’s not about money…Do you really think that less of me?”

Jake kept trying to reach the damn thing, but Tommy backed away with each attempt.

“Anyone has a price. I had mine in Venezuela. So what’s yours?”

Tommy threw the bottle in the trash, the sound of the glass shattering unearthing from both of them a tension that they didn't know was there, as well as a memory all long forgotten.

---

He ran to the bathroom, bile in his guts. He knelt near the toilet, gagging, but all that came out was the water he kept drinking. The whole room was spinning. He stayed there on the floor for a few more minutes, stomach completely empty, head clouded, body exhausted. Just come back. Come back…please.

---

“You sound just like dad. This…” said Tommy putting the trash can under Jake's nose. “… was what killed them that night.”

“Don’t you fucking dare compare me with that man!”

Tommy got startled by hearing his brother talk to him like that.

" Then stop acting like him! Stop with the bars, stop living in your own bubble!”

“Maybe if you didn’t lie and hide to me, for the past three years, that you’re training for this crazy alien planet, I would’ve!”

Two almost identical water drops were falling apart. Tommy took his jacket and headed for the door.

“Now you’re running?” yelled Jake after him, hands in fists. “Just admit that you are sick off me, sick of taking care of your crippled brother and I’d be ok with it. Anything rather than that 'saving the world' crap.”

Tommy stopped in front of the door, hand on the doorknob. From that angle and distance Jake couldn’t see the tears in his brother’s eyes, he couldn’t hear the tiny sob that escaped Tommy’s lips.

“You just want to finally live your life, I get that. I do. But tell it in my face, don’t just abandon me.”

Tommy kept his back at him.

“I am not abandoning you… I am leaving for you.”

---

He was hot and cold at the same time, half of his body under the blankets, pants thrown on the floor, tail curved around his body. He played with the bottle cap between his teeth until he filled it with holes. The blade was hiding under the pillow like a secret piece of armor. He called out loud for each of them, the brother and the demon, one name at the time. Then, he kept doing it silently in his mind. Over and over. He didn’t realized that he asked for a name more times than he did for the other.

---

“What?”

“I told them that the only way I would accept to take part of the program is if they financed your surgery through my salary.”

“… You’re not-”

“I'm doing it and it's final! I’m leaving in two weeks.”

Jake was left for words, a great pain bursting in his chest. He didn’t know how to take those words back as he remained silent. Tommy opened the door, one foot outside.

“If-... if you leave too… it’ll be just me in the end.”

Two crossing paths, two water drops, falling in different direction towards an endless sea.

“I’ll tell you again as I said it many times before. I’ll always care for you no matter where I go, even if they send me over the state, or over the entire galaxy. I’ll come back, I won’t leave you here, not after everything we’ve been through. This isn’t a goodbye, just a small 'see you soon'. Ok, little brother?”

And so he left.

---

Two days passed, or maybe there were three. He was no longer sure of anything, of time, the present that was mixing with fragments of the past, of himself. If he was not in bed, he was bent over the toilet, with the hands clasped on the edges of it, throwing up water. He forced himself to get up and walk from one side of the shack to the other, otherwise he knew he would just be stuck laying in that bed forever. It was easier said than done. He fell from the dizziness several times, laid down until the feeling of nausea hit him again and he crawled on his elbows to the bathroom. He felt his stomach in flames.

The thoughts, on the other hand, did not give him peace regardless of what he did. He was thinking about his brother and all the promises they had made to each other. But those thoughts brought up dark memories, some he buried down for years. He would've preferred to sleep continuously, until it was all over or until Quaritch returned, but he was tired of sleeping as well.

The storm hadn't relent even for a second, and Jake tried to remember if he had ever witnessed one this long before. The rains were not abnormal during that period, but it seemed that it'd continue for eternity.

The night came slowly, and with it the waves of anxiety. He won't come back. This is it, this is how it ends. He's probably already at the base, laughing with everyone there, telling them how easy it was, how cowardly and desperate you were, how he tricked and used you. He made one last attempt that day. He barely reached the front door, pulled at it again and again and again, hit the fingerprint scanner and, as before, the door of his coffin remained perfectly closed. He went back to the medical supplies cabinet, rummaged through all the things and found two vials of injectable diazepam tucked in a corner, in a plastic bag. Sleep in a bottle. But he had no syringe. He knew perfectly well the drawer Quaritch kept them in, but it was locked like all the others that contained things that could be used as a weapon.

He pulled as hard as he could. He had to take a break after each attempt, the dizziness remaining constant in his body. He laid down on the floor, the soles of his feet pressed against the cabinet, as he continued to pull on the drawer, until the damn thing began to bend a little, the metal curving outwards. He put his fingers through the space created, pressing down until he could fit his whole hand. He rummaged through it until he felt the shape of a syringe. OK. Hold on a little longer.

He rushed back to the bedroom, threw himself for the hundred time on the soft blankets and made a cocoon out of them. He prepared the syringe, left no air between the needle and the substance, poked it two times and off it went into his thigh. Relief flew through his body. Peace of mind at last. Forced sleep dragging his mind into a state of calmness. He fell asleep within minutes.

He was floating. Hand in hand with someone, a faceless person, but there was no danger there, just the two of them passing through a city overgrown by nature. They were laughing so hard that Jhe felt tears in his eyes. Strong, huge, purple roots guided them until they reached a metal bridge. He felt scared by the height they were at. The person's hands pulled him by the middle until he was engulfed by that protective body. They crossed the bridge together, hand in hand as always, not separated even for a second. By the end, he was covered in kisses all over his face, on every bioluminescent dot. He looked up and the whole sky was lit by shooting stars. "Make a wish." The person murmured against his lips. He had nothing more to wish for, he felt so incredibly happy. He blinked, and instantly, they were surrounded by a sea of atokirinas. Multicolored waves of energy rippled around them, like a shield. "Eywa heard you, Jake."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw an angry woman approaching them, bow in hand, a red arrow ready to strike. He knew her, he knew that, but all that anger on her face turned her into an animalistic creature. "You betrayed us!" Bow drawn, sharp tip, black smoke gradually covered the bridge. The person pulled him back as the woman hurriedly approached. "You'll never be one of the people!" She aimed at both of them. "Die, demon!" She released the arrow.

But the arrow never pierced his skin, instead, it went right through him, as he was finally able to see the person's face. Miles felt to his knees.

Deafening thunders and a bang were what woke him up. He put his hands to his temples, a terrible headache eating him inside. It had only been a dream, but it seemed so real, so vivid. He rose unsteadily on his tiptoes and headed towards the glass panel. The rumble had proved to be an ikran landing, the sound of its wings mixing up with the thunders.

He felt so relieved, a stone lifted from his heart, only for the feeling to disappear as fast as it came when he saw that Quaritch was not the rider. No, that person was shorter, thinner, dragging his legs behind him. It was still raining so hard that he couldn't make out his face, but the weapon carried by the individual on his shoulder was enough of a clue to know that he was in danger. He felt the acid in his stomach churning. "They have orders to kill you on sight." He had to hide.

He reached for the blade, placing it behind his gums again. The only place he could hide was under the bed. He quickly crawled underneath, his tail was beating restlessly on the floor. He was trying his best to hold his breath, to calm down so as to not make a sound.  Sweat was running down his forehead, his hands were clenched. "They have orders to kill you." Quaritch's voice repeated the same words in his head. He had the impression that the demon was right behind his neck, whispering them to him.

The front door swung open. Heavy feet were dragging on the metal floor, like the beating of drums. Steps in all directions and seemingly nowhere, until they started approaching alarmingly fast.

“Sully! I know you're in here."

That voice, the same as the one that had blasted from the communicator. Wainfleet. Jake shuddered, pure panic taking over his body as he moved closer to the wall. The bastard! He doesn’t even have the guts to finish what he started. He had to call his dog to do it for him. He had no chance to fight, he could barely stand. Think! Think! The only exit was through where Wainfleet had entered. He felt as good as dead.

With each step closer to him, he squeezed more into the narrow space. He had to keep his energy and concentrate, as any wrong move could be his last.

"I won't hurt you. Come on out!"

The feet reached the door, full of cuts, mud and blood. He stopped there, his tail wagging wildly. Jake held his breath. He could see Wainfleet's shadow, moving every time he inhaled deeply. Wainfleet slowly approached the bed. His leg was badly injured, he could not pull his full weight on it. He passed by the edge of the bed, heading for the bathroom. A chance. Jake could have slipped away quickly and locked him in the bedroom.

He slowly crawled on his stomach, but the moment he wanted to get out, Wainfleet reappeared in the room as furious as the storm outside. Too sudden, too careless. He had seen his hand coming out from under there, Jake was sure of it. He surrounded him slowly, from one side to the other, like an animal hunting its prey. Suddenly, he felt a hand pull brutally at his leg.

"Get out of there!"

Jake hit him in the injured leg and Wainfleet cried out in pain, grabbing Jake’s tail. He hit Jake in the ribs. Jake punched him in the same leg, followed by a punch in the stomach, giving him enough time to climb onto the sheets. Distant, that's what he needed. Wainfleet grabbed his shin, his claws digging deep into his flesh, tearing skin. He pulled hard against the bed frame, and he managed to slid headfirst down. He reached the bathroom in the last moment, slamming the door behind him. He slid down it, leaving all his weight on it, hoping to keep it closed.

Wainfleet hit it with all his might, cursing each time. With each blow, Jake was shaken. He slid forward slightly, so he dug his hands into the floor, leaning his neck and back against the door.

"You'll see what happens when I put my hands on you."

Drums in his ears, Quaritch's words and waves of fear. He couldn't do it anymore, so by a stronger throw, Jake lost his balance and fell forward, hitting his head on the cold floor. Wainfleet grabbed his legs again, dragged him back into the room, and Jake dug his fingers into the floor until he could feel his nails splinter, desperate to get out of his clutches. Wainfleet turned him around, straddled him, his knees in Jake's ribs, hands clenched tightly around his neck, blocking airflow.

"Stop fighting!"

But Jake didn’t, he continued to struggle under the weight crushing him. Every breath was a struggle on itself, his vision was filled with colored dots. He had his hands over Wainfleet's, pulling on them, and then, suddenly, he stopped, limp beneath him, looking down, the fight lost. Wainfleet eased the pressure on his neck, but didn't let go completely, still clutching Jake’s throat with one hand. With the other, he started looking for something behind his back. Now.

Jake pulled out the blade and stuck it into his wrist, Wainfleet letting go instantly. He quickly pulled it out and made a clean, diagonal cut across the demon's neck. Then, a pause. Wainfleet jumped to his feet, bringing his hands to his neck, the blood starting to flow through his fingers. He moved away in fear until his back hit the wardrobe.

"What the hell did you do, Sully?"

Jake's breathing was jerky. He was still holding the blade in his hand, his whole body was shaking. He threw the tiny blade on the bed and took a fighting stance, clenching his fists, but Wainfleet moved further away, running towards the exit of the shack. If he runs and opens the door, that's your only chance to get out of here.

Jake followed him, barely avoiding the things that came in his way, almost tripping on a beer bottle. He felt like he was going to pass out at any moment. Wainfleet leaved behind drops of blood, and Jake could see in that light how weak, pale and wounded the demon was. It’s for the better. He could die more easily.

Any fantasy of escape was shattered when he saw Quaritch through the window as he got off of his ikran, just as bloody, marching rapidly towards them. An anger never seen by Jake until then was plastered on the demon's face. Jake leaned back, ready to run in any direction, wherever he would be able to escape from the hands of the two demons.

When Quartich saw Wainfleet,  a deathly silence fell all around the room. The demon rushed to help his friend, taking off his tank top, holding it over the cut. The door was left open behind him. Quaritch glanced around, more anger rising as he took in the disaster that Jake had made. He stopped his gaze on the folded drawer, a growl escaping his lips. Run past him. Do it! It's your only chance. But Jake's feet remained stoned to the floor. He didn’t move a single muscle. Fucking run!  He didn't.

"Go back to base. Hold this tight around your neck. Tell them exactly what I told you. You'll be fine!"

Jake watched as Quaritch helped Wainfleet out. The door closed in a second before his eyes. Eywa, help me! He had to explain to the demon, he had to make him understand what had happened.

"I did what you told me. I hid." Jake muttered with a heavy tongue, as if he had mud in his mouth.

Quaritch was in front of him in seconds, forehead full of wrinkles, fangs sticking out. He slapped Jake across the face and held his arms as he nearly fell from the impact.

"What is this madness? What did you get from the drawer?"

"Diazepam, to sleep. Only that, I swear."

Another slap, stronger than the last, Jake's eyes rolling in the back of his head. He was going to pass out at this rate, he could feel it.

"What the hell did you cut Lyle with,  you little bitch?"

The same thing I should cut your tongue with now, you piece of shit.

"I-... He was gonna kill me."

"He wouldn't, but I might."

He grabbed Jake by the hair and dragged him to the bedroom. Jake followed him, he didn't have the energy to fight anymore, he didn't see the point in it. They were stepping over Wainfleet's blood and a part of him was glad that he had managed to harm the idiot so badly. Inside, Quaritch pulled him down by the shoulders until he fell to his knees at the demon's feet.

"What did you cut him with? Give it to me this second or I’ll blow your teeth out of your mouth."

Jake fought the urge to look towards the bed. He remained with his gaze fixed somewhere behind Quaritch, biting his bottom lip. The demon's fist connected with his jaw, tongue bitten, head shaken, and he fell hard to the floor. 

"You think your tough, boy? Give it to me, right now!”

Blank mind, fear in every muscle and bone, shivers from the top of his head all the way to the bottom of his tail. He raised one hand, a plea, while he searched the bed sheets with the other. He found it. One last chance. She granted you one more. Get up and fight. Slice him up. Yet, he still couldn't do it, an invisible force keeping him in his place. He felt his own anger taking over him, scrunching his face in the agony of the thought that he remained so powerless against the man that could end it all. He raised his hand, palm on palm, worm skin, metal gone.

As soon as Quaritch saw the blade, the comets vanished. In their turn, two black holes engulfed his eyes, destroyers of worlds. Jake got nothing left. He pulled himself the slightest bit closer to the demon, head down towards the ground, palms of his hands flat near the demon’s feet. Fuck whatever crumb of self-esteem is left.

“I’m sorry I did it. I panicked. I didn’t mean to.”

Claws scrapping at the base of his skull, fisting hair, and Jake bent even lower.

“Please, I’m telling you the truth, Miles. You don’t have to do this. I’m done with war, I’m done fighting you. I just can’t do it anymore.”

No reaction. Hand tight in his hair.

“I'm sorry, ok? For everything. I’m sorry I betrayed you. I’m sorry my wife killed you.”

The hand pulled hard and Jake hissed in pain.

"I am, I swear to God! You and I, we don’t have to keep doing this. You said you're not him, that you're your own person. Then don’t repeat what he did. You can change. If you would only let me Miles, I could try to teach you to see. I can try to show you this world as it truly is, with all it’s wanders. You just need to try. Maybe even Spider-”

Another slap to his face, just as strong as the punch, and this time, his vison darkened. He felt blood dripping down his nose. The hand grabbed his kuru, lifting his head up by it. The other, pushed a finger past his lips, opening his mouth up, resting heavily on his tongue.

"Nice speech, Sully. Almost made me tear up.” he said mockingly.

He lowered his pants, taking his cock out, pushing it past Jake’s lips. He pulled him forward until Jake’s forehead was flat against his stomach. The demon smelled like rain, wet soil, and a tinge of something sweet. He wants humiliation not apologies. So Jake moved his tongue along the shaft, hands holding onto the hem of Quaritch’s pants.

“Don’t you think I already know everything about this fairy tail world, Sully? The kid spilled out every single piece of information from his brain, ‘bout their magic tree, ‘bout kurus and bonds, fantasies of talking to the dead, for the same exact stupid reason you are wasting your breath on right now… I knew it all, but I loved the way you almost pissed yourself trying to find ways to lie to me when i questioned you 'bout them.”

Quaritch put a hand over his nose, with the other holding the back of his neck, and the warm, bitter piss started flowing down his throat. He tried to pull away, but Quaritch held him tightly, so he had no other choice than to swallow every drop or choke on it. 

“I had to listen to Spider for ten months giving praises to this corner of hell, to you, to the leader, the great perfect warrior, the legendary Toruk Makto.”

Quaritch finally let him go, and Jake coughed and spat out what was left in his mouth on the floor. Startled, he realized too late that Quaritch had taken him up in his arms. He slammed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. He took the blade and cut his boxers and shirt, leaving him completely exposed. The demon ran his hands over his ribs, which were sticking out like the keys of a piano. Quaritch pressed his fingers over his flat abdomen, the claws scratching his skin, until he stopped near his groin.

“But I don’t see that. All I see is a scared little orphan boy, thinking he can replace ghosts, thinking he can become a hero. I’ve read all your files, Jake. You lost your daddy, lost your brother and it fucking shows.”

He dug his nails down hard and Jake cried out in pain. He felt so exhausted that he could barely keep his eyes open. He tried to push the demon off, but it felt like trying to lift up a mountain.

“You don't have to do this. I'm sorry!”

Quaritch ignored him. He lifted Jake’s hips and turned him on his side, hand resting on his butt checks, toying with the base of his tail.

“You turned into a brat, failing school, barely qualifying in the military, disobeying your superiors. But I’ve seen sluts like you before. You just need someone to take care of you. That’s why you ran to the bitch, didn’t you?”

A sharp slap crossed his skin and he barely muffled his scream in a pillow. Slap after slap, over and over, until his skin turned red, until all he could feel was the sting radiating in waves, until he couldn't breathe anymore from the pain, from the tears running down his face, as the mucus slid down his throat. Quaritch huffed angrily above him. More slaps, more pain, some of them reaching between his legs. He turned Jake around to face him, and Jake looked like nothing more than a mess. He couldn't stop crying, sobbing heavily, gasping for every little breath of air. He couldn't even look at Quaritch. His gaze was fixed on the corner of the glass panel, where it was cracked open. Quaritch took his face in his warm hands, making him look back at him. He had that specific glint in his eyes, the one that meant that the demon was going to destroy him a little more.

"Why are you crying, hm? Does it hurt that I'm right?"

He stepped aside from Jake to remove his pants. Jake didn't react anymore, he just laid there, pale, forcing himself not to throw up from all the crying, with his mind shattered into a thousand pieces of glass. Quaritch was winning, with every word, with every touch, with every minute that passed in his presence. He knew what was coming, but he wasn't ready to have to go through something like that again, not in the state he was in. Jake put his hands over his face, fangs in palms, letting out a whimper. You fight, someone dies. You obey, he'll... he'll... He could kill me.

"I lost my life, I lost Paz, you took away Spider, filled his mind with lies about his father. You killed my men...yet, here I am, sparing your life..."

"Please, don't do it! Please! I'm sorry!

Empty words trying to get into deaf ears, and Quaritch laughed, a real laugh that filled the room like a cloud of poison. He went back between Jake's legs, grabbed his knees and spread his legs even more, bending him in half. Jake hit him on the hands, tried to push him, to stop him, but he no longer had enough strength in his arms. He clasped his hands on Quaritch's chest, the last white flag he could offer, thousands of pleas for him to stop pouring out of his mouth.

"You wanna know why I just don't kill you, boy? 'Cause you're the only damn constant thing left from my old life. If I kill you Jake, I'm left with nothing. But you're pushing my limits."

Quaritch wiped away tears and snot. He grabbed the kuru with a brutal force, so hard that Jake felt the skin ripping off around it.

"Beg me to spare you. Beg me to take care of you."

There was no way out of it. They were both losing their minds. Jake caved in. It couldn’t just end like that, with him under the demon, like a bug ready to be crushed. He wanted to see another day, to feel life around him, and by a miracle, to maybe see Neytiri and the kids again. You asked for this when you kept wishing for him to return. Now reap what you sow.

“I beg you, Miles! Let me live! Please!”

“Hmm, now the other thing, princess.” Quaritch licked his lips in anticipation. Say it... Say it. Say it!

“Please, fuck me!... I need you, Miles. I need you to take care of me.”

He never felt that much shame in his life. Quaritch claimed his lips in a fierce kiss, swallowing away the words left in his mouth. They were fighting this time, tongue over tongue and Quaritch was winning. He bit down on his bottom lip, pulling at it with his fangs. He looked at Jake through lowered eyelashes, comets returning in the orbit, gaze filled with lust. He bent over Jake, licking away his tears, while his hands kept roaming possessively over his body, tracing every curve, stopping in some places, mapping everything in his mind. Jake let out a small whimper, arousal gathering between his legs.

Quaritch shifted, bringing his knee between Jake’s legs, rubbing against his cunt. Jake was grinding down on it, each time more slick gathering at his entrance, a wave of desire crashing his tired body like the claws of a hawk. Quaritch kissed him along the jaw, small nips pressed tenderly against Jake’s hot flesh. He turned his head submissively, making room for Quaritch, and the demon bit dawn splitting open the old wounds. Jake cried out, overstimulated by both pain and pleasure, grinding down hard until his cunt felt engulfed by flames.

Quaritch pulled back, looking at the wound he left as he traced it with his finger. Jake burned from humiliation, but he couldn’t stop. He forced himself to meet Quaritch’s gaze, to hold it, to put one arm around the demon’s neck and to pull him closer. He kissed Jake again, hungrily, until he split the lip, sharing blood, lust, possession and Jake came all over Quaritch’s knee. A tiny pool of slick covered the sheets.

“You’re not supposed to be able to do this, aren’t you?” asked Quaritch mesmerized.

“No. Unless…”

“Unless…” Quaritch asked as he licked a strip of slick from his finger.

Fuck it. What’s one more truth?

“Unless my body thinks you're my mate.”

As soon as those words left his mouth, he saw his vision blurring, white spots covering his retina and he crossed his eyes. He was just so fucking exhausted. But Quaritch wasn’t having it. He grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him lightly.

“Nah, you ain’t doing that. I’m not done with you.”

He grabbed a bottle of water from the floor and brought it to his lips, but he just pushed it away in disgust.

“I’ll just throw it up.”

“You’re drinking it ‘cause I said so. End of discussion. Open your mouth.”

Jake reluctantly did, cold water passing his lips, some drops falling on his chin, down his body and he didn’t miss the look on Quaritch’s face.

“My turn now.”

Quaritch kissed him again, scorching kisses, bruising his mouth. He griped Jake’s hands in his own, firm as iron, pulling them above his head. Jake moaned, constellations burning, crashing behind his eyes, he lifted his hips, his cunt clenching tightly against nothing. Quaritched brought two fingers against his cunt, teasing the puffy flesh. He pressed them inside brutally, curling them in the way he knew would make Jake see stars. Jake’s moans were ripped out of him with every thrust of the demon’s long and thick fingers. Quaritch dropped his hands and grabbed his kuru.

“If your body thinks you’re mine, then maybe we should go full Na’vi with it.”

Even through that gaze of sickness and tiredness, Jake went into a frenzy after hearing those words.

“No, no, don’t take that away from me. I beg you, Miles! Don’t do it!”

He was holding the demon’s hands with whatever drop of strength left in his bones. He pulled himself up, taking Quaritch’s shaft in his right hand, stroking gently, leaving small kisses on the closed fist around his braid.

“You already own me, Miles. Your blood is in my veins. You marked my skin full with bruises. You don’t need that too.”  He gathered slick from his cunt, coaxing the demon’s shaft in it, picking up the pace. “Just- just fuck me.”

Quaritch finally let go of his braid and Jake let out a long sigh, falling back on the sheets, lifting his legs for the demon. Quaritch pulled them apart until they were almost flat on the mattress. The massive cock nudged at his entrance, smearing precum and slick together.

“Beg again.”

“ P-please fuck me, Miles.”

Quaritch rocked his hips, sliding his cock deep inside the sweet wetness between Jake’s legs. Jake cried out, his cunt filled to the brim, yet he remembered what was to come. The knot kept stretching the rim of his entrance with every thrust and he shivered in anticipation. Quaritch was holding him by the hips, rutting hard inside of the soft walls. A sound between a growl and a moan leaving his lips each time he pulled back in.

Jake arched his back, overwhelmed by the sensation of being filled. With each thrust, the demon kept hitting his sweet spot and he was left out of breath. Yet, it wasn’t enough for either of them. Quaritch bent him further, one hand pushing on Jake’s throat, while the other took Jake’s hand in his, fingers intertwined. He fucked him hard, bed shaking with each move. And that did it. Jake came the second time, squirting all over Quaritch, cunt clenched painfully, milking the cock that was ripping him in half.

Quaritch picked up speed, turning Jake’s pleasure into overstimulation. Yet he endured it through little sobs and words of encouragement for the demon’s ears. Quaritch kept brutally rutting into the swollen cunt, fingers on Jake’s collarbone. He bit Jake again by the shoulder and pushed his knot inside, stretching his cunt to its limit. Quaritch came deep inside him, painting his walls with his seed. He pulled out, cum dripping from Jake’s abused cunt and all of a sudden, he felt too empty.

Quaritch fell down near him, their hands still intertwined and neither of them did anything to stop that. They stayed like that, catching their breaths, both looking up at the ceiling. The tiniest ray of sunshine creeped into the room. The storm died down.

Quaritch grabbed Jake by his middle, pulling him closer to his body, holding him in his arms. The demon played again with his braid, but that time he knew it meant nothing. He rested his hand on Quaritch’s neck, their foreheads slightly touching. Surprised by the gesture, Quaritch relaxed even more. He traced Jake’s skin with his finger, the nail leaving goosebumps over the soft skin, a tiny smirk appearing on the demon’s lips. But Jake missed it, trapped inside his thoughts, until Quaritch spoke.

“From now on, you’ll sleep here with me.”

From now on

Anyone has a price

I am not abandoning you

They have orders to kill on sight

Eywa heard you Jake

All I see is a scared little orphan boy

Constant thing left from my old life

My body thinks you are my mate

Just fuck me

I lost.

Drawing for this chapter

Chapter Text

The room was saturated with a heavy and stifling smell of sex, a direct reminder of what had happened a few hours before. He fell asleep in the demon's arms, without dreams or nightmares, surrounded by his body heat that had awakened a strange security in Jake. But that blissfulness evaporated when he woke up in the middle of the night. His sickness continued to give him a hard time.

The position they were both in intensified his nausea. Quaritch was still holding him to his chest, tight, one arm under his head and the other one, warm and heavy, over his stomach. The demon's leg was over his hip, forming another bond to hold him in place, and somehow in all the load of limbs, his tail had ended up between Jake's legs, dangerously close to his cunt. It was worse than if he'd been chained to the wall.

Jake fought to hold back his nausea. His mind wandered through what had happened and made him want to put his face in the pillow and stay there until he had no more air in his lungs. It was insane, but everything was starting to make sense. All that accumulated stress, grief and pain in him that he hadn't externalized, along with the demon's captivity and behavior, had culminated in his body choosing a part of submission. He turned Quaritch's words around, he thought they were said just for those reactions, just to make him feel weak and helpless, but the more he thought about it, he came to the conclusion that the demon was right.

He tried to pull himself out of the grip, he had to go to the bathroom urgently. He carefully and patiently removed one hand from under the demon's, trying not to wake him, but it was taking too long. The acid in his stomach rose fast and furious. So he simply jumped out of bed, the sudden movement made him fall, propping himself up in one hand. Quaritch woke up instantly. He was at his side in a second, helping him up.

"Back to bed, come on."

"No, I have to throw up. I-...fuck, everything is spinning.”

Quaritch grabbed his arms from behind, supporting his weight. They knelt together on the cold tile in front of the toilet, Quaritch still behind him, one hand over his forehead, the other firmly over his abdomen. Acid and water and that was all that came out. Quaritch leaved small kisses on his back, interrupted by 'relax', 'you'll be fine'. It took Jake a few minutes to calm down. When he did, he was sweaty and tired again, out of breath. An out of nowhere anger took over his mind.

"Why are you like this? Why the hell are you acting like this?"

Jake felt Quaritch's body tense at his acidic words, but the demon didn't lash out, didn't say anything at all, just continued to hold him. Finally they stood up together, Quaritch carrying him back into the bedroom in his arms. But something, somewhere, somehow snapped in an instant in Jake.

Flashes passed before his eyes, like broken frames from a film, until he could no longer distinguish reality. He was either on the rock holding his son, or he was in the old house, on that street full of toxic waste, or back on the battleship surrounded by water, or in his little apartment before everything collapsed. He had not realized that Quaritch was no longer next to him to support his body, but was hurrying to change the beds full of sweat and cum. Jake remained standing, swinging from one leg to the other, staring blankly somewhere at the window. He clasped his hands and tail by his body, trembling slightly, the images continued to come one after the other until a small whimper echoed in the silence of the room.

"Tommy?"

His gaze ran frantically around the room, looking for him. He didn't understand what was happening. He didn't know where all their equipment was, what had happened to Grace's bed or Norm's desk. He didn't understand why his link pod had been moved. But worst of all, he didn't understand where Tommy had disappeared so quickly. He was right there, with his shabby cream jacket and holes in the sleeves, and then he was gone. Yes, they had argued and Tommy had run away in the middle of the night, but he always came back before sunrise, no matter the circumstances. Jake knew that his brother would not leave him, not like their father and mother had done. He will come back, he’s probably out to buy something. Yes, that's it, he was going to get something...tickets? He was going somewhere, somewhere in space. We argued...Why did we argue? I'll never be mad at him again, no matter what happens. He's my brother.

"Tommy?" he tried to shout again, but it came out as a whisper carried by the wind.

He heard noises around him, an unbearable rustling that scratched his brain and a murmur, someone's voice asking something, but it wasn’t his brother's voice. The whole frame swayed in front of him and he quickly leaned against the wall. His heart was pounding in his chest. Where is he? Why isn't he here? He said he'll always be here. He leaned his head against the wall, desperately looking around for his brother's familiar face.

"Tommy, I'm so scared."

The murmurs continued, they floated around him as if they were underwater, carried by the currents. Shut up! I need to hear him if he comes back. I have to apologize. He's all I have left. The voice was so close, harsh, just like a thunderbolt that had come to shatter his eardrums. He raised his hand to his ear, trying to stop the noises, but someone pulled it away, holding it tightly. His wrists hurt terribly. He looked down and jumped out of his skin when he saw how bruised the flesh was, indented by fine, peeling lines that were trying to heal.

"I need my brother. He had to come back… He's-… Tommy!”

But there was no sign of his brother. Someone was pulling at his face, whispering something, words whose meaning he didn't understood. Then, he heard little booms near his ears, bam, bam, bam, until he realized that the person was snapping his fingers. He watched as carefully as he could, squinting until the curtain in his mind lifted and he could recognize Quaritch.

“Jake! You're with me? Hey!"

Quaritch shook him gently, running a hand over his eyes. Jake blinked often, wiped his wet eyes with the back of his hand, taking a deep breath. Quaritch grabbed that hand as well, squeezing it with the same force. It stung and hurt terribly, but the pain anchored him in the present, enough to understand that the demon kept asking him a question.

"What?"

"Jake, where are you now?"

What a ridiculous question that was too. However, to be sure, Jake looked around, a clear grimace on his exhausted face.

"In the same hell... with you."

"Who am I?"

What the hell is this? Why the hell is he asking me all of this? He glared at Quaritch, clenching his jaw hard. He had to raise his head a little to take in the demon with his gaze. He hated that even now he was shorter than him, smaller in every way. Even so, he realized how much he had shrunk compared to the imposing body of the demon in those weeks. Flesh on bones, muscles mostly gone. A shadow of who he was before.

"Miles Quaritch." Jake replied dryly, looking down.

"Where's Tom Sully, Ja-"

"My brother is-… He's… Why do you want to know?"

"Because you've been calling for your dead brother for five minutes."

Jake looked at him perplexed. He tried to pull his hands out of the demon's grip, but he didn't let him escape, looking at him intensely, waiting for an answer.

"I didn't do anything like that...  What are you talking about? I was with you the whole time, we went to the bathroom and now we're back here."

Gradually, it wasn't the questions that worried him, but the shocked expression on the demon's face that got worse with every passing second. Quaritch hadn't loosened his grip on his wrists, and Jake could feel the wounds reopening.

"You're hurting me. Let me go, Miles.” Quaritch shifted his weight further forward until Jake's back was against the wall. The impact made him realize something crucial.

"What do you mean 'your dead brother', Quaritch?" Jake asked spitting out the words.

They looked at each other intensely, each waiting for the other to snap, to say it was a bad joke and to forget the embarrassing and tense moment. But none of them made any move. Quaritch dominated him, frowning at him, lips pursed, his tail wagging behind him. Jake had also straightened his back, trying to appear taller, with his head forward, ready to sink his teeth into whatever aberration the demon had to say.

But Quaritch gave in first, letting go of his hands, taking a step back. He looked at him without believing what he was seeing.

"Jesus Christ!"

Jake remained frozen in the same position.

"I really don't understand what you're talking about. I didn't call out for anyone, and Tommy is—”

"Your brother is dead, Jake."

He paused and waited. He didn't know what for. He was either waiting for Quaritch to laugh, or to mock him, but the demon remained extremely serious. A spark ignited somewhere in the back of his mind and he smelled rain, he felt water droplets on his face from a rainy night outside of a bar. He remembered that endless corridor, the carcass and a lifeless body, the mirror image of his being. He gasped, streaming down the wall just like the memory.

"He's dead." Jake said horrified.

"Let's take you to bed. You need to sleep."

He pulled Jake to the edge of the bed and helped him sit down. How could I forget something like that? I called him by name... When did I do that and why? He didn't notice that Quaritch brought him a pair of trousers and a T-shirt and that he dressed him. He was caught in a trance. Quaritch pulled him back and covered him with the blanket. Jake turned his gaze to the demon. He looked almost as exhausted as himself, pacing around the bed, clearly stressed about something, but he stopped when he saw Jake's fixed gaze on him. He climbed into bed next to him, but this time there was a considerable distance between them.

His brother was gone. That was the pure and cruel truth. So much time had passed before he came to terms with that gloomy thought when it happened. In an instant, he had to face that reality again, but he was no longer the twenty-two year old who felt he could defeat anything in life, the one who wanted to find his thing for which it was worth all that sacrifice and that struggle, the things that made him move on. You have your family. But even that thought did not bring him relief. He was all alone, all over again.

That's why, when he turned to look at Quaritch, he was gripped by an incredible pain, the one that grinded his soul and mind. The only thing that had given him relief in those weeks was the same thing that had caused him suffering. He wanted to scream for those thoughts, for letting the demon win, for what he was going to do. "My body thinks you're my mate." He hadn't lied. He shouldn't have gotten aroused from there, it had never happened with Neytiri. Now, everything had turned upside down because of Quaritch, because of the fear, because of the touches and the words, the captivity.

He swallowed his fear and held out his hand to Quaritch. He placed it shyly on his shoulder, waiting for a reaction. The demon seemed as caught up in his own thoughts as he was. He turned to face Jake and maybe it was the darkness in the room, or even his tired and dazed brain, but he was convinced that Quaritch's eyes were watering. You are delusional.

Quaritch understood his plea without words. He pulled himself closer to him until he could hold him in his arms, Jake's head resting against the demon's chest, his rapid heartbeat calming Jake. Quaritch ran his fingers over his face, stopping at Jake's lips, tracing their outline.

"I hate you with all my being." Jake murmured tiredly.

"I know." A long sigh, followed by the hand going down his neck, to the wounds left by sharp fangs.

"Whatever you think you're doing to me...it's going to come and bite you in the ass as well."

He let the words float between them. It was the truth. Quaritch cupped his chin between his fingers, lifting his head, looking into his eyes. Comets collided with comets and only stardust remained behind them. Contradiction on top of contradiction, but it seemed like the universe was playing along in their twisted game. Jake took Quaritch’s face in his palm, trying to look over the stains of blood, bullets, and all that hatred. He wanted to see what Eywa had seen when she had sent that blessed atokirina above them on the beach, or when She had filled his dreams with them, drawing them both closer to Her.

"Let me go, Miles." Jake whispered, like a lover begging for one last tender moment before a catastrophe.

"Try to sleep, Jake."

"Let me go." Jake held him in his arms, as he had done with his mother, with Tommy, with Neteyam, until the demon's scent was no longer different from his own. Quaritch withdrew his hand and turned to face the ceiling again.

"I can’t."

---

When the first rays of the morning gradually lit up the cold room, Jake was alone. He forced himself to stand up and was hit by another wave of dizziness. He got down holding on to the bedside table, then to the wall, gradually walking to see where the demon had disappeared. He cursed when he felt something sharp cutting the sole of his foot. There were several small pieces of glass scattered on the floor. The mirror in the bathroom had been broken by what appeared to be a punch. Shards and drops of blood had exploded everywhere, on the floor, in the shower, most of them remaining untouched in the sink. He slipped easily among those remaining. He put his fingers through the hole left in the wall by the demon's fist. Quaritch had struck the same spot several times, bending the metal into the shape of his fist. How come I’ve not heard this?

Jake remembered their conversation, the way he had clung to Quaritch, desperate, pathetic. He wished he had enough strength left in his body to thrust his fists through glass, through hard metal, until his bones were crushed. Instead, he turned on the water, letting it flow and wash away the blood stains. He cleaned himself as best he could of the traces of saliva, sperm, and everything that meant that he belonged to the demon. He heard muffled words, two voices, someone talking, but he continued to clean himself.

He looked at the kaleidoscope left on the wall from the impact. His jaw swelled where Quaritch had punched him, his neck was bruised with fingerprints, a combination of the demon's fingers and Wainfleet's. It was like a collar, one that he couldn't take off and he had to watch it slowly disappear. Until he’ll put another one on you. His arms looked as bad as before, the bruised paintings extending to his shoulders, his collarbone, his hips. Tattoos. Each one individually called out on its own way to whom Jake belonged. He couldn’t take his eyes away from the cum stain that was left on his thighs. You let him mark you. You begged him. You didn't fight. It was easier to give him what he wanted. Now wear them, ‘cause you deserve it.

He turned off the water and moved again slowly among the small shards, the sound of the voices increasing in volume. He leaned against the threshold of the door trying to catch pieces of the conversation. "...stitched me...it was insane...let him free?"  "...harmless right now... killed his spirit...the plan..."

Jake plucked up courage and stepped towards them, careful not to make too much noise. Something was wrong. The bunk room was cleaner, the beer bottles were gone and some objects were picked up from the floor. "...a hell of a long report, but she took the bait." From his position he could see Wainfleet, leaning his injured leg on the edge of the table, his hands crossed, a huge bandage coiled around his neck like a snake. "... worried about his wife....she's too close with...forget that boy on her tail." Jake's face lit up. They are looking for me. They haven't given up. Jake bumped into a massive chest, muscular arms holding him in place like a fly in a spider's web. Quaritch looked at him amused. Jake smelled blood.

"It seems that the sleeping beauty has woken up."

Quaritch grabbed him by the wrists, sharp claws in crimson flesh, and led him back to the table, quickly walking past Wainfleet. The handcuffs snapped back on his slimmer wrists, tight and Jake clutched on the pain. The pain was good, it cleared his thoughts. He couldn't help but stare at Wainfleet, the way he was trying to look stronger than he was, but in reality he looked just as bad as Jake. Quaritch moved around, picking up the mess Jake had left behind. Wainfleet caught him smiling slightly at the whole scene in front of him, and he suddenly stood up, grabbing Jake's hair in his fist, spitting in his face.

"Do you think it's funny, you little bitch? Maybe I should cut that smile off your face."

Wainfleet raised his palm, ready to strike. At the last moment, Quaritch grabbed his arm, stopping him. They both hissed at each other.

"Stop! I beat him enough last night for the incident."

"Aha...You beat him...and fucked him." emphasized Wainfleet, turning Jake's head on all sides. "I see it and I smell it. He reeks of you.”

Quaritch seemed bothered by the comment. There were various plastic casseroles on the kitchen counter. Quaritch took one and placed it in front of Jake. It was some kind of soup, but it smelled too close to human food, and that made Jake's stomach turn. He still grabbed it with both hands, trying to get used to the smell. Quaritch saw his hesitation.

“What is it, Sully? Do you want some cum on the side to look more familiar?

Wainfleet looked at Jake in disgust. Two pairs of eyes on him, and Jake wanted to make himself as small as possible in that chair, to disappear as far away as he could. He lowered his head, his cheeks burning.

"You’re just giving it to me?" he asked with a trembling voice.

"Yeah, why? Do you want to suck Lyle for it?”

He died a little inside, but he found the courage to raise the casserole to his lips and drink from it. It didn't taste as bad as he thought.

"Jesus, is that why he looks like a piece of paper? You feed him if he sucks you?"

Quaritch didn't answer. He continued to collect empty boxes and clean up the mess. Wainfleet was fidgeting, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, wincing slightly from the pain of his injured foot. You could read on his face that he had a lot to say.

"Boss, maybe we should take the conversation outside."

“We're talking here, Lyle. I don't care if he hears it or not, he can't do anything anyway. So spit whatever you have to say."

The demon didn’t like that, looking frantically between Jake and Quaritch.

"Look, boss, you know better than anyone that I support you one hundred percent in all this madness, no matter how dangerous, no matter the risks."

"But?" Quaritch continued, stopping what he was doing. He took the other chair and sat next to Jake creating a barrier between him and Wainfleet.

"But this was not the plan. Look at him! He won't be of any good to her, to any of us. The RDA won't be able to use him. I told her we're bringing Toruk Makto, not whatever this is."

"Plans change, Lyle. I already told you, we're not taking him back."

Wainfleet weighed Quaritch's words, a frown on his face. He put a hand to his neck, rubbing the suffocating bandage with his fingers.

"With the lie you got me feeding them, I can get you food, some medicine if I’m lucky. She'll want reports with everything that goes in and out of the base. It's one thing to leave with bottles of water, and another to leave with bags of vitamins, blockers and bandages. I can earn you one more month in this place, at most!"

Quaritch leaned back more. He brought a hand to his temple, gently massaging the place while his eyes were closed. Jake had eaten half of the soup, all the while hanging on to every word, every expression on their faces.

"If I may, boss, from my position I see only two options. After a month, you either kill him or take him back and hope that the general will let you continue whatever you have going on."

“There's always a third plan, Lyle. And nobody kills Sully. Eat, princess!” Quaritch slammed his fist into the table. Jake got startled, almost knocking the casserole out of his hands. He had forgotten to swallow because of how intensely he was listening to the two. Wainfleet gave him one last look, one that sent shivers down his spine, then limped toward the front door. Quaritch followed him. Jake didn't dare to turn his head after them, but continued to listen carefully. They were still relatively close to him so he was able to hear what they were saying.

They both hesitated in front of the door until Wainfleet broke the silence.

"I probably can make two more trips and I'll make sure to bring you everything on that list, but if something goes wrong, Miles, you'll have to get out of here."

"I have everything under control. Oh and Lyle, keep an eye on the family for me.”

Another awkward silence, followed by a tap on the shoulder and the sound of the door opening. Then a whisper, and Jake was barely able to hear it.

"I know it's still hard for you, but I hope you realize that he won't be able to repla-"

"Shut your mouth! Don't even finish that shit. What is between me and him has nothing to do with them."

He stepped away and Wainfleet was gone, leaving Jake to continue to face his own walking nightmare. Jake finished eating. He hadn't felt his stomach so full in a long time. The demon uncuffed him, brought cotton wool, alcohol and bandages to the table and quietly cleaned Jake's wounds.

"I don't like how it looks. You're gonna get an infection at this rate." said the demon, scrunching his nose.

"Maybe if you let them heal and stopped tying them so hard, this problem wouldn't exist." Jake snapped back.

"What if every time the bitch comes out of you, you tell me and I put your cunt up nicely in the air and fuck it good? That way I don't have to match your face with the rest of the bruises."

Jake remained tense, bit his tongue to not throw any idiotic answers at the demon. Ever since he heard that Neytiri was looking for him, he couldn't help but cling to that glimmer of hope. And hope was a double-edged sword, because he only dreamed of grabbing Quaritch by the head and crushing his skull against the table.

His eyes darted to the demon's severed hand. The mirror had split the flesh around his joints. He had carelessly bandaged himself, some places still bleeding. Jake sneaked his already bandaged hand under the table. He pulled himself closer to the edge of it, until his fingertips could reach between his legs, pressing the thick material of his pants over his clit. If he were to sign his death sentence, at least he could try to make it easier.

"Why did you break the mirror, Quaritch?"

The demon gripped his wrist, a warning. He already told you he won't kill you. He even told Wainfleet.

"Where you sick of what it was reflecting back?"

Quaritch didn't answer him, he continued to tighten the bandage around his wrist, but he could see the specific twinkle in the demon’s eyes.

"I heard you talking. I know that Neytiri's looking for me and when she finds me, she'll shoot another arrow in you."

"Are you so sure about that, Jake?" Quaritch asked, a coldness in his voice. "You want me to send Lyle after her and find out?"

Jake continued to move his finger, a little slick collecting between his legs.

"You are bluffing. The clan will tear him to pieces before he could even spot her."

"Yeah, maybe, if your family were still there, but they're not."

Jake stopped, bringing his hand back to the table, anger on his face. Quaritch noticed him and lightly sniffed the air, humming under his breath.

"I really don't understand why you're doing this, Jake." the demon continued, holding both of his hands in his. "I thought that this problem of rebellion was solved last night and that you came to your senses. In what ways do I have to say it so that you can understand definitively? Do you really want to force me to do those things you fear so much? Do you want to lose another child? I can arranged it immediately. Another one wouldn't be the first Lyle kills.”

Jake looked at him with a lump in his throat. Liar. He's playing with you. Even the voice in his head no longer seemed so convincing. He felt that fog trying to envelop him, to regain control over his thoughts. Quaritch put pressure on his arms.

"Get on your knees."

Jake fell between Quaritch's legs, his hands on the demon's knees. That primitive fear was sinking its teeth into his nerve connections. Quaritch grabbed his hair, pulling him closer.

"Do you want to know why I broke the mirror? For the same reason you are wet between your legs.”

Quaritch brought his leg to Jake's cunt, grinding down on his folds and he barely stuffed out a moan. The demon pulled down his pants, releasing his half hard cock.

"We're doing this one more time, Jake, one last time!"

He pulled Jake’s hair until his lips were on the tip of the cock, smearing precum all over them. Jake trembled, his gaze lost, fog passing before his eyes.

"Who owns you, boy?"

"You."

He pushed his cock into his mouth, the salty taste overwhelming Jake's senses. Jake tried his best to please the demon, licking the tip of the cock and all the precum gathered there. He ran his tongue over the shaft, over a thick vain. Quaritch moaned above him, gripping his hair tighter, thrusting slightly every time Jake took a little more in his mouth.

"Who's coming to save you?"

"No one." he answered with tears in his eyes.

He gagged on it, the massive cock hitting the back of his throat with each thrust. Jake lowered his hand to his cunt, palming it through the pants. He moaned hard when the cock threatened to stretch his mouth even wider with the knot. Quaritch pulled him off again, letting him catch his breath.

"Who wants your well being, boy? Who's keeping you alive, Jake?"

My brother was the only one to ever want my well being, fully, unconditionally.

"You, Miles."

Quaritch pushed his cock back in the sweet tight mouth, his crotch covered in Jake’s saliva. Jake pulled down his pants a little, his fingers caressing the wet folds, until he pushed one inside of him. This was better than the pain, the fog, the memories. He fingered himself at the same speed the demon was rutting in his mouth. They were both chasing that sweet high, competing, trying to see who gets there first. Quaritch tried to push his aching, swollen knot in, but Jake’s fangs kept him from doing so.

“Open your mouth more, princess.”

Jake tried, really tried, but the fangs were still in the way. How the hell did we do it the first time?

"You and your fucking kitten teeth...Maybe I should pull them out, ease our fun."

He took his finger out and focused solely on the demon. He pulled down at his lower lip and jaw until enough room was made for the knot to pierce his mouth. It felt so good to be that full, but he couldn’t stop imagining that fullness in his cunt. He tried to pull back, to stop the demon from coming down his throat, but Quaritch was lost in lust. He fucked Jake’s mouth until he was convinced he broke a bone or two in his skull .

The demon came hard, strings of warm cum floating down Jake’s throat and he swallowed every single drop of it. All of a sudden, it felt like honey on his tongue and a small part of his brain wished that Quaritch would never stop coming. Yet, he felt disappointed, a sullen frown on his face, and the demon noticed it right away as he pulled him away from his cock. All that, and the demon was still semi hard.

“What is it, princess? Why the long face?”

“I-… It doesn’t matter.”

Quaritch’s gaze fell on the tiny puddle of slick that was under Jake.

“I think I know what’s wrong, but I still need you to say it, loud and clear.”

Jake hesitated, running his fingers through his hair. You either say it or you let the fog take over again. Which one makes you wanna bash your head against the floor more?

“I wanted- I need you to fuck me.”

Quaritch laughed above him, taking Jake’s face in his hand, looking at him through half closed eyelids, those comets burning their way into Jake’s brain.

“I can do so much more, but you wouldn’t let me. Come on, pants off, sit on my lap.”

Jake obliged, straddling Quaritch’s lap, his cunt pressed directly onto the demon’s cock. He put his hands behind Quarich’s head, holding onto the back of the chair. But neither of them did anything more.

“What you’re waiting for? Take what you want.” said the demon smirking. Jake hesitated again.

“What do you want in return?”

“Hmm, my princess is still smart when she gets cock drunk.” He laughed again and Jake closed his eyes in shame. “I just want you to listen to what I have to say.”

Quaritch kissed him, marshmallow taste, soft lips and tongues dancing together until Jake felt sick of it. He pulled back to breath, to clear his mind, but Quaritch was back on him in a second, claiming his mouth. It felt so intoxicating. He bit Jake’s lip, drawing blood and they both moaned at the taste, but this time, Jake reciprocated it, reaping Quaritch’s lip with his fangs as well. They were looking like hunting animals, coyotes devouring their pray.

Quaritch finally let go of his mouth, brushing his lips downwards on Jake’s neck, licking, kissing and biting softly the abused flesh. Jake hissed in pain when the demon’s fangs brushed over the purple bruises he and Lyle left.

“You look so good marked like this. Maybe I should put a real collar on you.”

Jake shifted himself impatiently on the pulsing cock, his cunt drenched in slickness, his insides burning to be touched. Slut. Quaritch kept licking and kissing him. He took one of Jake’s nipples in his mouth, sucking on the forming bud. He bit down on it and Jake yelped, throwing his head back.

“I can do so much more, Jake. I can make all your pain go away.”

He reached back to Jake’s lips, while he lifted his hips, moving Jake until the tip of his cock was perfectly aligned with the wet entrance.

“That moment when you dissociated, I bet it’ll never happen again if you would just let me take control.”

He dropped his hands from the hips, and Jake slid down on the fat cock with such ease, like he was made for it. He took him down to the knot, the perfect stretch of his tight walls making him lose his mind. Jake then started to fuck himself on it, sliding up and down, helped by the demon’s hand on his ass, splitting him in all the ways possible. Lumps of slick were coming out of him every time he stretched himself a little more on the demon’s knot. It felt like a drug. The cock pulsed inside of him, hitting his sweet spot every single time. His cunt clenched hard, milking it and he couldn’t get enough of the feeling. So wet, so perfectly full. Quaritch moved his head forward until his mouth was pressed against the shell of Jake’s ear.

“Imagine how this pleasure would feel if you and I were one, connected in all the ways this bodies allow.”

Quaritch planted wet kisses on the back of his ear. The room was filled with their moans and the sound of their bodies crashing down on each other. The demon kept fucking him, painfully slow, and Jake wanted it hard and rough, until his brain would turn to paste, until he wouldn’t see none of their faces behind his eyelids. He tried to pick up speed but Quaritch kept him in place by the hips. Their tails found one another, coiling together.

“I wouldn’t have to tie you up or hit you ever again.” Quaritch whispered, panting slowly from the effort.

No! You can’t betray Neytiri, no matter how good this feels, no matter what lies the demon tries to feed you! He’s lying!

Quaritch brought a hand down to Jake’s clit, toying with it, pressing circles down on hot flesh. He couldn’t contain his moans. It felt so so good, waves of pleasure hitting his brain from all sides. He wanted to come. He needed to come. Yet, Quaritch kept changing the pace, stopping Jake all together from time to time, holding him in place, messing up that sweet rhythm. Jake whimpered in frustration. He was getting so close, but every time the demon would do something different, edging him, until he felt hot tears down his checks.

“Please let me come, Miles.”

“Not until you give me an answer princess.”

What the fuck did he asked. No. He wants tsaheylu.

“I can’t give you that. You can never have that.”

Abruptly, Quairtch lifted him up, placing Jake back in his lap, far from his cock. Jake sobbed.

“Well, then I guess I can’t give you what you want either.”

Jake tried to push him, break out of his hold to just slid back down, but Quaritch’s grip was made of steel.

“You can’t be fucking serious.” Miles slapped him across the face.

“Last offer, Sully.”

Jake couldn’t believe him. A sudden urge came over him, one of submission. You can’t do this, for one orgasm, to ruin your sacred connection with the woman you love the most, the mother of your children. No, he couldn’t. Yet, reason alone was barely holding him back. There was something inside of him, something he couldn’t put his finger on, screaming at his bone to allow it to happen.

“Look at me” Jake said between sobs. “Look what you did to me. I gave you everything.”

“Not everything.”

“You want me to beg again? I will. Fuck me, Miles. Fuck me until I forget my own name. Please!”

“Get down of me, Sully.”

Jake tried to kiss him, but Quaritch hold him back by the hair. The demon was struggling too, Jake could tell.

“Get down, Jake!”

“You have my mind as well! Almost every single night you hunt my dreams.”

“Mhm…with nightmares.” Quaritch tried lifting him off, but Jake dug his fingers in the demon’s neck.

“No! Dreams! Where you and I are just…” His mind flooded with images where they were kissing, holding hands, laughing, like teenagers falling in love for the first time. “…happy.” And every time it ends with her killing you, piercing your heart with her poisonous arrow, saving me just in time to not completely lose my mind.

Jake could sense the fog returning over his mind. He was exhausted again, white spots covering the corners of his vision. He caught Quaritch’s lips between his own, kissing him tenderly, and the demon loosened the grip in his hair.

“If I fuck you now I won't do it again, no matter how hard you beg, not until you give yourself completely to me.” the demon said between kisses. At that moment, Jake couldn’t care less. He just wanted his mind to shut up.

“Yeah, fuck. Just- just fucking do something.”

Quaritch pushed his cock back inside, and Jake felt that he could come just from that alone. The demon gripped Jake good from his ass and back, lifting them both up, carrying him back to his bedroom. They were feral, animalistic, biting at each other’s mouth, reopening wounds. Jake dig his nails down the back of the demon, splitting his flesh open and Quairtch almost dropped him from his hold.

Jake was thrown on the bed, the loss pulling another whimper out of him. Quaritch towered over him. He climbed on top of Jake, grabbing his waist and turning them over, until he was again the one riding the demon. Quaritch made himself comfortable with one arm under his head, their tales intertwining again.

“Finish what you started.”

Jake placed his hand on Quaritch’s chest, holding him down as he took him inside. His hips moved back and forth, the demon rising from time to time to match his rhythm. Jake lost himself in the feeling, and all of a sudden, it didn’t feel like sex. It definitely didn’t feel forced. It was just natural.

Quaritch didn’t help him anymore, making Jake do all the work. He kissed down on the demon’s neck, taking in his scent, quenching the carnal hunger inside of him. Quaritch hold him by the throat, squeezing gradually, cutting out Jake’s airflow. With the other he covered his eyes, hiding them in the crook of his elbow, panting and moaning every time Jake slid down hard.

Squelching sounds mixed with moans, cries of pleasure, sweat, blood and tears, the perfect mixture of their fucked up situation. Jake came so hard, trembling from head to toes, as the orgasm took over his mind, clearing any fog left there. Quaritch let go of his throat, digging his claws back in Jake’s hip.

“Don’t you fucking dare stop. Finish me off, slut.”

Slut. Jake pushed through the insult, through the tiredness of his sick body, through the tears running down from overstimulation. In all that haze, he heard the demon mumbling something under his breath, his face still covered by the arm. It sounded like a name on his lips, but Jake was sure it wasn’t his. Mumbles, whispers, sweet words of a name, of words, and it felt worse, worse than the insult.

“Look at me.” Jake pleaded in a voice he didn’t recognize on himself.

Quaritch remained tone deaf at his plea. He took his hand over his face, shutting Jake up with it, while his eyes remained closed. He came as well short after, rutting his knot deep inside velvet walls, until Jake bit down on his tongue to keep himself from screaming in pain.

As soon as the last drop fell from the tip of his cock, he pushed Jake aside, like a rag, dirty and used. Jake felt on his stomach, cum floating out of his puffy red cunt. Slut. Quaritch didn’t even look at him, eyes still closed, breathing heavily, fists clutched in the sheets.

“I hope you finally learned your lesson.” Quaritch said in a low voice, still refusing to look at Jake.

He got up, evading the glass on the floor, heading towards the other bathroom. Just before the demon was out of his sight, Jake screamed after him.

“And I hope you’re fucking happy.”

He was left alone again. You’ll die here in this hell, by his hands, because you’re the biggest idiot on this planet. The sickness and dizziness came back, as violent as before, and he rushed to get up. He stepped on every single shard he could see, until he left bloody footprints all over the place. He stopped at the sink, gritting his teeth when he saw his image, cursing out loud his own name. He punched whatever was left of the mirror, over and over again, feral screams pouring out of him, until there was no patch of blue left on his hand. He cut skin, cut veins, he broke his fingers in the heavy metal wall, crushed his bones. Two matching blood stained holes, two souls tormented by grief and pain.

When he stopped, he couldn’t even bend a finger. He turned to look for a towel, or anything that could stop the bleeding. When he turned around, Quaritch was there, dressed, leaning on the door’s frame, arms crossed, unimpressed with the image before him. Jake stood there, naked, his fucked up hand lifted in the air, blood droplets falling like rain on the tiles, his ears pulled back, tail stiff.

“You understand now?” The demon asked in a calm voice.

Jake looked back at his unrecognizable hand, at the blood, at the cuts, at the man in front of him. He looked at Quaritch’s face, at his features that resembled his old self, but in a way, those were starting to fade away, to mold into something new.” I am not the man you still think I am.” It was true, but neither was Jake.

I do.

Chapter Text

He didn't even made a sound.

The surface of the table was full of bandages. The flesh, split like a game of zigzag, was incised with clots of blood, lymph, and crusts of skin that mixed together, covering his frail hand, swollen cartilage, a slaughter of his own making. Quaritch put all the pieces back together, as he had been doing in those weeks. Where there was pain and bitterness, there was also the demon, ready to strike and kiss wounds at the same time.

He remained silent even when the needle pierced his flesh, or when the alcohol washed away his fibers, veins and every essence of him. It burned to the core of his bones, but not a single drop of that pain reached his heart. The demon moved with the same uncharacteristic gentleness as before. Jake kept his palm flat on the table while the demon sewed up his deepest wounds.

With each stroke of the needle, he saw before his eyes fragments of the last weeks. He was trying to piece together everything that had happened between them, to figure out the moment from which their relationship had changed. He could lie as much as he wanted that in the demon's mind everything had started as a game, because it was becoming more and more clear that this was not the truth. Whatever happened to him since Jake had let him sink to the bottom of the ship and until he had attacked them with the ikran, those moments were the catalyst for the demon's new behavior.

"Try moving it." The demon's voice rang out in the silence between them.

He looked at his hand with disgust. He watched the medicinal thread stuck in his index finger as it held the flesh together with all its strength, like his reason trying not to collapse under the weight of his carnal thoughts and desires. He moved his finger slightly, not too much to hurt himself more, just enough to make sure that no nerve had been damaged. The demon snorted, resuming his process for the rest of the wounds.

"I would have said 'congrats', but I keep remembering how many good people died by your hands."

Stay still and behave. He came to the late conclusion, but at least he'd done it, that he had no other chance to break free than if he gave the demon what he wanted. He had to change, just like the demon had done, or at least not stop his instincts, and let his body take control rather than his brain. They would forgive him, that's what he said over and over in his mind, like a mantra, hoping to believe it more and more, each time he repeated it. He had no other option.

"So, was your little outburst worth it?"

Behave. Be nice.

"No."

"Then tell me, why did you do it? What caused it?" asked the demon with curiosity, the needle suspended in the air between his long fingers.

Be nice.

"I felt overwhelmed."

"By?"

By you and by the hatred you cause me second by second, because you said another name, because you hit me, because you keep me like an animal in a cage, because you make me accept the possibility in which I betray her, just so I can survive you.

"The sickness that won't go away."

The needle went down, and with it the weight in his chest, the fog slowly returning to cover his vision. He felt heavy as lead. The scars from the ikran's claws hurt him, he was a soldier without lead wings. Everything around him was a tomb. The objects around them diffused into funeral wreaths of lead, creaking in the same tone as their lead coffin. He put his hand to his mouth, swallowing often.

The demon gently dabbed the place where his skin was already burning, the sting of the alcohol bringing him back to the present. He had had enough of that endless state of sickness, dizziness, nausea. His theories fell apart the more he thought about it. He slept more in the last few days than he had in the last months, but he was still tired. He got up and walked around, but he was still dizzy. Quaritch fed him, real food, but he was just as hungry, and the nausea was barely going away. He would have done anything to feel whole again, healthy, but it seemed that those days wouldn’t return too soon. He needed the demon.

"I'm sorry for what I said yesterday." whispered Jake, holding down on the rim of the table with his left hand as the needle pierced him for what seemed like the millionth time.

Quaritch glanced at him from under his eyelashes. In the demon's eyes there was no trace of desire like when he had dressed his wounds in the past, no pride and no anger. He was distant, avoiding Jake's gaze at every opportunity.

“You need to be more specific. You cried, you moaned, you acted like a bitch...”

"I'm sorry that I yelled at you and that I created all this mess that you have to clean up."

"Mhm, sure... Move them all."

Before the demon could withdraw his hand from his, Jake caught him, his palm enclosing the demon's fingers.

"I'm sorry."

Quaritch quickly moved away, still refusing to look Jake in the eyes.

“Move your fingers, Sully.”

Only then was he afraid of what he had done. He was beginning to realize what boundless stupidity he managed to commit. If he had any nerve damage, he could say goodbye to archery, or to holding a weapon in his hand. He held his breath and gradually lifted each finger individually. The pain radiated all over his arm. Everything went downhill when he couldn't move his pinky. He tried again and again, concentrating on the movement, but the finger remained flat on the surface of the table. Quaritch noticed this. He ran his nails over it.

"Do you feel that?"

"Yes."

"Then you'll be fine."

Quaritch bandaged his hand, careful not to injure it more. When he finished, he took Jake in his arms and carried him to the surgical table. He let go, but Jake didn't release his arms from around the demon's neck, holding him tight. He dipped his head under the demon's chin, pressing his face against the warm and smooth skin.

"I'm sorry, Miles."

Quaritch didn't answer, he peeled Jake off of him and pushed him to sit better on the table. He brought him a casserole of food that he dumped in his lap and attached another vitamin IV to Jake's arm. The demon pulled up a chair and began to remove the pieces of shards from his soles and to clean those wounds as well.

Jake was struggling to eat with his left hand, holding his right completely inert next to his body. With each swallow his stomach turned upside down. He took a few more bites and left the box aside. Quaritch ignored him, focusing strictly on the wounds.

"I feel like I'm going to throw up again, just so you know"

"Do that and I'll make you clean with your tongue, Sully." the demon growled.

But it wasn't something Jake could control. He felt grateful for the pain radiating from the cuts, because they distracted him as much as possible, but that sickness kept creeping out of every corner. He fidgeted, nervously tapping his fingers on the metal of the table. He started to sweat, it seemed that everything was burning around him. Over all this, all he could think about was the demon and the way he had treated him, how he had muttered those words, those damned words. Why do I care about such a thing, after all the harm he has done to me?

"Lie down. I want to check a few things." the demon ordered him in the same dry, expressionless tone. He leaned back, letting out a sigh of relief that from that position the dizziness dissipated a little. Quaritch pressed his palm to his forehead, then his cheeks, his neck, the demon's skin feeling like ice cubes against his own.

Quaritch left him alone for a second, returning with a syringe. Jake winced at the sight of another needle. He was so fed up with them.

"What's that?"

"Nothing to fear."

Before he could say anything else, Quaritch injected it into his throat, the cold liquid quickly draining through his veins. He fought the sleepiness. He grabbed the demon by the shirt, pulling on him, calling his name, but Quaritch was looking out the window somewhere. Everything turned black.

---

Strong lights flowed around him, mixed with multicolored neon lights, forming a florescent waterfall around him. He walked among those lights and felt at home, surrounded by an air of security. There wasn’t even a cloud in the sky, countless stars embroidering the vast depth of the sky. He felt that if he had reached out, he could have touched them. He walked on water, small waves formed in every place where he stepped. He went where the sea current carried him.

From a distance he could see someone. A boy was sitting nonchalantly on the seashore. He came closer, leaving a trail of lights behind. With each step, a bloodstain spread around the boy. He sat down next to the boy, his legs being covered by blood mixed with sand. Neteyam turned to face him with grief in his eyes. He had cried. Jake took him by the shoulders, hugging him to his chest, but his son broke away from his embrace.

"You did this to me, you abandoned me here."

Jake shuddered in panic at the sound of his voice.

"No, son. I'm sorry it happened. I would never harm you or your brothers."

Neteyam looked out into the sea, somewhere where the rocks and the swirling sea mingled like oil on canvas.

"But you did it, you hurt us with your war. And now Lo'ak is without his older brother, just like you were without uncle Tommy."

High waves broke into pieces of rocks, the foam of the sea rose and brought fragments of a ship with it. The relentless water had reached the shore, covering the two with each flow.

"You lied to us. You're not even our father. Tommy is. You are a horrible man.”

"No son, don't say that. You know the truth. "

Neteyam let himself be carried away by the waves, and Jake threw himself after him. He swam as hard as he could, but the waves prevented him from going forward, until he was no longer able to see his son's body. He was surrounded by translucent jellyfish, his body convulsing from the electricity that ran through his veins. Water, so much water everywhere and he was exhausted. Someone grabbed his leg, dragging him to the bottom of the sea.

His stomach hurt, a huge pressure carving his insides on the part below the navel. He looked down. Grace, Trudy, the children, Neytiri, they were all pulling him desperately towards the abyss. He didn't want to get there, in that fog and coldness. He fought with the currents, with their weight, but he was sinking harder and harder. Above him, on the reflection of the sea, he could see the silhouette of a person. They were surrounded by the same florescent light that had guided him to that place. A hand was extended to him. A murmur echoed through the layers of the sea. "Embrace what I've gifted you, like I embraced you in my heart."

He stopped fighting, reaching out his hand towards the light and all of a sudden he started floating upwards. When he broke the surface, he found himself back in the forest, back in the clan, in their old marui. Neytiri was there, but she didn’t approach him. She was knitting a little blanket, while humming a part from his song cord. She looked happy. “We’ll wait for you.” He felt strong arms around him and he panicked, knowing all too well who was behind him. Neytiri dropped everything, rushing to calm him down. She cupped his face in her palms, foreheads touching. “I forgive you.” He felt two pairs of lips against his own, and once again, everything turned black.

---

He covered his eyes from the bright florescent lights on the ceiling. His head was spinning. He looked down and saw himself cuffed by the legs on the ends of the metal table. The skin below his navel merged into a deeper shade of blue, irritated, like something hard was pressed against it. There was something sticky all around it.

The door of the shack was left wide open, with Quaritch running in circles in front of the shack, hands on his hips, a look on his face that Jake had never seen before. He was looking either hurt or panicked. Jake couldn’t pick which one from that angle. He shouted for him. The demon definitely heard it, ears pulling back, a sudden sorrow on his face, yet he remained outside, walking off to the side, so Jake was only able to see his shadow. Jake could tell that he was slouched on the grass.

His mind fell into a dark pit. He started to put two and two together, the conclusion numbing him. An ultrasound, that’s what the demon managed to do. But why did he put me to sleep? Why couldn’t he just tell me? Jake moved his left hand over his belly, over the spots left from the machine. It was impossible. It only happened in certain circumstances, being extremely rare, more rare than it was for him to be the one to ride Toruk. Plus, he didn’t feel like something was growing inside of him, on the contrary, he felt empty, a great big void taking over his soul.

Jake called again for the demon, and again, until he finally saw his shadow getting up. He stood there for another minute, raising and lowering his hands over his face. When the demon came back, he entered full of rage, slamming the door behind him, hands in fists, marching towards Jake. Out of instinct, Jake raised his left hand over his face, trying to avoid another brutal slap from the colossal hands of the demon.

“Can’t you fucking shut up for two minutes, Sully? What? What the fuck do you want?”

He was out of breath by the time he finished his line of questioning. Jake could see the remains of some tears in the demon’s eyes, that specific redness, his slightly stuffed nose. He lowered his hand from his face, placing it again over his belly, letting out a big breath.

“What’s wrong with me?”

Quaritch took a step back, hesitation plastered all over his face and body.

“There's nothing wrong with you. You’re healthy, just a bit underweight.”

Then why are you so mad?

“Then why am I sick?”

The demon stopped looking at him, turning around to uncuff Jake’s legs.

“I’ve seen the gel. Am I- is there something… I- are we gonna-“

“No.”

Thank you, Eywa. Thank you.

Quaritch helped him to his feet. The anger in his eyes had not diminished. A good few hours had passed since Jake had fallen asleep, the eclipse casting a shadow over the motionless landscape. The last rays of light enveloped everything around them in a warm crimson light.

"You need a shower."

Strong blue arms, the demon’s scent that calmed his mind, the warmth of his body, his heartbeat, all came together like a blanket and Jake let himself be covered by it, holding on to the demon like a child. That closeness between them reminded him of the dream. Regardless of what his destiny was, he had to finally come to terms with the idea that he needed the demon, as much as the demon was beginning to need him. He let his wounded hand slide on the demon's chest, near his heart. “Embrace what I’ve gift you, like I embraced you in my heart.”

Gift. How could a person like him ever be a gift to someone. He had kidnapped him, beaten him, starved him, raped him, and he should've seen the demon as a blessing. He would have wanted to be able to do it fully, if only Quaritch had managed in that time to brainwash him enough, to wipe away completely and reason or doubt. He would’ve been the perfect puppet. At least Jake's body had succeeded to accept the monster, he still had to force his mind to cooperate a little. One last push. It shouldn't have been so hard considering the risks of disobeying him. Do what he wants. Give him what he wants. Stop fighting. It could've been worse than this.

Quaritch's reactions still made the hair on his tail stand on end. He'd refused him, it wasn't the first time he'd done it, but the demon had never gotten so angry that he wouldn't look at him, that he'd taunted him like he was just a piece of meat. The demon had taken things without asking, without permission. He hadn't asked him anything when he had raped him, when he had been the first to defile untouched parts of his body so intimately, tearing away his virginity just to impose his lessons. He hadn't asked him when he had given him no choice but to die of hunger or to drink his sperm as a kind of elixir, a supreme gratitude from the devil. On no occasion when Jake had something to lose had the demon given him such a choice, and now, for tsaheylu, the choice lay at his feet. What if this isn't the only problem? What if he wanted to force my hand through something disgusting like that. A kid. His kid... Maybe that's why he's so angry.

“Are you mad that you didn’t knock me up?”

Quaritch stopped in his tracks, nails digging in Jake’s flesh, head tilted back.

“Sully, for the love of God, shut the fuck up before I rip your tongue out.”

Jake almost jumped back into his arms when the demon let him step on the tiles. The cuts on his legs hurt worse than those on his hands, each one was burning like a hot fire. Quaritch propped him against his chest, clumsily undressed them and turned on the shower. Jake softened as the warm water made contact with his skin, going limp with his weight on Quaritch. The demon began to wash him, slowly, with persistent caresses over his neck, on his shoulders, on his bruised arms. He massaged his skin, at the nape of his neck, along his spine, to the base of his tail. Jake closed his eyes, laying his head back, a short moan escaping his lips. He was wet between his legs.

Quaritch turned him around. He ran soap through Jake's hair, massaging his scalp. Jake couldn't sit still, he shifted from one foot to the other. Slick was leaking between the folds, on his thigh, that carnal desire returning to his groin. He clung to the demon, standing on tiptoes, and rubbed his cunt several times against the demon's leg. Quaritch pushed him away from him by the hips.

"Stop it, you little slut!"

"Stop calling me that." Jake hissed back.

"Then quit acting like one! I wasn't kidding when I said I wouldn't fuck you anymore."

Jake let out a small whimper, crossing his legs, hands over his body to shield himself. Humiliation returned in the core of his bones.

“You want it that bad, then finger yourself.”

Jake didn’t dare to look at him or to move. His face was burning from shame.

“Today, Sully! Get in the corner and shove your fingers in that slutty cunt. Don’t make me say it twice.”

Jake walked backwards until his ass met the corner of the shower. The demon took himself in hand, stroking his cock, water still falling on his toned body. Jake remained frozen on the spot, palms flat against the wall, his eyes filled with fear. It was one thing for the demon to just take, to force him, to be the one to start those interactions, and it was another thing for him to humiliate himself in such a manner. Just do what he wants.

“You want me to get over there and beat the crap out of you? That’s what turns you on now?”

His feet were killing him, the wounds reopening. All that pain encased in the layers of the fog that was creeping back in the corner of his mind. Quaritch kept stroking himself. Stop making it worse. Just for once do exactly what he wants.

Jake slid down the wall, parted his legs, lifting them up so he wouldn't feel the fire from the cuts, and tentatively ran his left hand over his cunt. He put a finger in, painfully slow, until he inserted it all the way. It didn't feel the same as when Quaritch did it. He fucked himself, looking for that sweet spot inside him, but it was in vain. The demon waited, his cock erect in his massive fist as precome trickled down his shaft and onto his fingers, glowing softly in the darkening room.

"I think we should mix Lyle in our game. We can invite Mrs. Sully over and let Lyle feel good for a bit. I wonder if her cunt gets as wet as yours?”

Jake bit his lip, pushing another finger in, stretching his tight walls.

"What do you want, Miles?"

"Hmm, I want that bitch dead, and you to moan as loud as you can."

Jake laid his head back, spreading his legs wider. He pushed the image of Neytiri out of his mind and tried to focus on what he was doing. But he couldn't, he couldn't find the same pleasure as the one caused by the demon, so he had to pretend. With each thrust he let out a fake moan.

"Come on slut, I know you can do better than that."

He barely pushed in a third finger. With his wounded hand he tried hopefully to stimulate his inert penis, but as every time in those weeks, it remained flaccid. He blinked a few times and the white dots on his retina returned, and so did the nausea. He needed the demon.

"Miles, please!"

The demon's eyes were closed. He increased the rhythm with which he stroked his cock, small grunts and moans resounding in the echo of the bathroom. From down there, with the water rushing like a waterfall around him and through his fake moans he could barely hear Quaritch. But Jake had seen his lips move. Those soft lips that had made him lose his mind, that had left honey kisses, that had made the sadness disappear, now spoke another name, a fantasy that Jake was not a part of.

He tried with all his will to listen, to break through the surrounding barriers and hear clearly what the demon was saying, but everything was an incoherent avalanche of sounds. He could make out an 'm' or an 'I' somewhere in there. He sobbed deeply when he thought he heard a 'p', because he knew what that meant, and it was damn cruel and painful, a sword stuck in the currents of his mind over all those physical cuts. The sword dealt more damage. He didn’t want to care, to blame him, but every time the demon said something else, the broken pieces of himself were pressed harder, until all that was left was a palm of sand.

"Miles, I need you, please!"

Nothing. No reaction.

"Miles, I'm begging you, look at me! Miles!”

Quaritch came in his fist, panting heavily, his eyes closed, a small smile in the corner of his mouth. Jake pulled out his fingers.

"Get over here!"

Jake swallowed his sobs, wiped away his tears and got on his knees and on his good hand, crawling like a beaten puppy, until he was between the demon's legs. Right where you belong.

"Lick it 'til it's clean."

Do what he wants. Jake licked his palm, running his tongue over every crease, over every finger of the demon, savoring that little moment of peace in his head offered by the taste. He continued to lick even when there was nothing left there.

Eventually Quaritch took pity on him, finishing washing Jake's legs and cunt, but not before giving him a few firm slaps on his ass, for making the demon raise his voice. He carried Jake in his arms to the bedroom and threw him on the bed. Quaritch glanced briefly over his wet and bloody bandages.

"I'll change them for you in the morning."

Quaritch left him and started looking for something to wear. Jake froze in the same position in which he had been thrown, with his hands above his head, his knees raised, his head to one side, watching the demon's movements. He felt his heart in his throat. The images blurred, a mixture between that room and his old apartment on earth, and that was the signal that he had to do something urgently, anything.

"Why are you so angry? What were you saying in the bathroom?"

"It's none of your business."

Jake swallowed hard.

"Well, it's my business when out of nowhere you start calling me 'slut', without me doing anything to you."

The demon threw a tank top and boxers on himself. He sat down on the opposite side of the bed with his back to Jake and pulled a piece of paper from the nightstand. Jake knew very well what it was.

"Am I lying though, princess?"

Jake brought his hand to his mouth, swallowing down a wave of nausea.

"You made me like this."

Quaritch laughed, putting the photo back in the drawer.

"Nah, princess, that's how I found you, that's how you've always been. Just a little whore walking the surface of earth. And I, in case you haven't noticed, am a family man."

Jake finally understood, the answer hitting him like a high-speed train and it was his turn to laugh, from a giggle to holding his stomach with his hands in laughter.

"You're damn late for that, Miles."

Quaritch still didn't turn to him, but his back muscles were tense, his fists clenched on the edge of the mattress, his tail lashing furiously at Jake several times.

"If you wanted me pure for tsaheylu, this untouched, altar boy wanna be, then maybe you shouldn't have manipulated me, raped me, fucked me at every damn opportunity when it was convenient for you." He felt so much bitterness for making himself say all those things. " Sorry for wishing to 'marry' a slut."

"It doesn't matter now. It's never gonna happen anyway, right?" answered the demon between his teeth, annoyed.

Now. Do it. For them, for you. She will forgive you, she will understand. She will always love you as you will her for the rest of your life.

"It will happen, Miles."

The power of words spoken with sincerity. Quaritch turned instantly, surprise on his face and Jake swore mentally out of happiness.

"What did you say?"

"I said that it will happen, I'll let you. I'll do tsaheylu with you, but with a condition."

"You're in no position to make conditions, Sully." growled the demon digging its claws into Jake's knee, pulling him closer, their eyes finally meeting after what seemed like an eternity. The comets were burning and trying to find the truth.

"I think I am, considering what I have to offer. All I want in return is for you to take me to a Tree of Souls, so I can say goodbye to my son. That’s all. After that, I swear I'll bond with you. "

He was easily lost in those comets, those gates of the demon's soul for which he still didn't have the key to open them.

"What about the wife and all the legends? Do you want me to believe that you will deliberately hurt her?"

Jake moved his gaze to the bandaged hand, tracing with his finger all the folds, cuts, flashes with the broken mirror and shards cutting his retina. He tried to move his finger again, but the muscles wouldn't budge. A little more. Convince him.

"I just hope that she'll forgive me, eventually. Besides... you're right, I need you, whether I like it or not. But if I offer you this, the last intact piece of me, I want you to never hurt them again, to never think about any of them again, to completely erase them from your memory."

The demon grabbed his face, lost in turn by whatever he saw on Jake's face. They were close to each other again without realizing it, much too close.

"You're asking a lot, Jake." Jake. He took the demon by the neck and placed his head on his chest, his heart beating fervently. Quaritch remained tense, with a hand propped up ready to jump out of there if needed.

"I'm asking too little, Miles. I am done. I. Am. Done. You hear me? You can keep me here for the rest of my life if that’s what you want, beat me, breed me, do whatever you want with me. I promise you that. All I want in return is for you to stop threatening them and to let me see my son.”

A long silence fell over them. Outside, the eclipse had transformed the landscape again, and Jake would have wanted to be there, to touch every plant, to breathe the clean and fresh air of the night, to lose himself in the bioluminescent colors. Inside, he waited with bated breath for an answer from the demon, clinging to his scent to stay afloat. He struggled to keep his eyes open, not to fall prey to the fog.

"Are you gonna let me?" Jake asked in a whisper, as he lowered himself down, until he was face to face with the demon again. Quaritch caressed his face, from his forehead, down his nose, to his lips. Jake thought about Wainfleet's words, the photograph, the piece of leather string that was definitely a songcord, and pushed aside any last doubt about what he was going to accept. For them, for yourself.

“I'm willing to give you what you want, what your new self truly wants. What do you say?”

"I'll think about it."

No no no, stop thinking, accept, say yes.

He kissed the demon, gave one last offering, one last act of devotion to his monster torn from hell. It was short and pure, filled with a last prayer, a new promise. Constellations intertwined with constellations and destinies, but the comets continued to search in the mist of night, far from stars and words too sweet and too honest to be true.

"Beg me again tomorrow, with the same sincerity, and maybe I'll let you."

Chapter Text

The music echoed throughout the building, the walls and his lungs rumbled to the intense rhythm of the bass. Someone had grabbed his ass from behind, but he didn’t care, he was too busy sticking his tongue deep into Sarah's mouth, full of tobacco and molly. She wanted to celebrate six months of their relationship, he just wanted to get so drunk that he forgot he was going to war in less than a month.

They danced and kissed each other in an apartment that was too small for that party, people bumping into them. But it was better and cheaper to take advantage of that circus than to lose money in bars. Sarah had almost ruined his day. The girl was cute, short, her olive face framed nicely by her curly hair that reached her ass. In his bed, covered only by a sheet, she resembled a Greek goddess from certain angles. But the girl was naive, childish and too dreamy. She had said the three words that day that made Jake's hair stand on end. "I love you." She daydreamed. He laughed, embarrassed and ready to forget she ever said it, and brought her to the party.

The whole room they were in was soaked in cigarette smoke and weed. He wasn't a big fan of smoking, but he understood the principle, enough to appreciate the half cigarette that Sarah shared between her lips and his. She was talking continuously, already half drunk, but Jake couldn't hear anything due to the loud music, so he just nodded slightly from time to time, between kisses and smoky breaths.

His phone started vibrating in his pocket, again and again. Exasperated, he took it out and saw a pile of missed calls from Tommy. He cursed between his teeth and started looking for a quieter place to talk to his brother, Sarah following him like a puppy, clinging to his arm with both hands. Miraculously, the bathroom was empty. He closed the door behind them and called Tommy.

"Why did I buy you a phone if you don't answer it, little brother?" Tommy seemed angry.

"Sorry, I was caught up with something. Is it something urgent?"

A long pause.

"Are you really asking me that? I'm at the cemetery. I've been waiting for you for an hour, so what do you think?"

" Fuck! Shit! Give me twenty minutes and I'll be there. Shit.”

“Is that Tommy? Tommy, come here, we're gonna get drunk and then we're gonna fuck our brains out!" screamed Sarah perched on the toilet lid.

"Sarah, get down from there! Tommy, twenty minutes and I’ll be there."

Jake hung up before his brother could answer.

"Are you really going to leave?"

He looked in his pockets, found some change and threw it in her lap.

"Go home."

Sarah looked at the money in disgust and threw it on the floor, the coins scattering everywhere.

"You fucking jerk! Take me with you! You can't leave me alone, especially today."

"Sorry, it's a family meeting. And you know something... don't bother calling me tomorrow, or ever."

Jake missed a heel at the last second passing by his head.

"You’re a pig!"

He left her there, shouting all kinds of curses behind him, until the music covered those screams. He ran as fast as he could, through the boundless crowd of people on the streets, among the cars, and the constant toxic smoke weighing on his lungs. Traffic lights, horns, cries, howling, swearing, misery, poverty. The specific landscape.

He found Tommy in that place taken over by the vegetation, looking over the two graves, a bouquet of chrysanthemums in his hand. It was their custom to visit them every year on the day the accident happened. Over time, Tommy had managed to visit on more occasions, even staying for a few hours, sometimes just watching and reminiscing, other times telling his problems and fears, but for Jake the situation was too gloomy. He avoided that place as much as possible, he didn't understand the point of returning to bones and dirt, but he had promised Tommy that he would do it once a year.

Jake took the bouquet from his hand and carefully placed it over their mother's grave, staying on his knees for a few seconds, remembering her face and smile.

"I thought you were bringing your girlfriend too. It was time I meet this girl that keeps eating my entire fridge while I’m not home."

They both laughed. Jake stood up and hugged his brother tightly.

"You can forget about her. We broke up."

They both laid down on the grass, legs crossed. One of them was staring blankly into nothing, the other was playing with the blades of grass.

"Let me guess, she started having feelings."

A light breeze passed over the two, somewhere on a tree branch, a lark was breaking the silence with its trills.

"You know I don't like to interfere, but maybe you should give her a chance. You never try hard enough and it won't do you any good, Jake."

"There's no point. I'm leaving soon. Besides, I feel like I would’ve let mom down with my choices, as I do with everything."

Crickets in the grass, two sons and two names engraved in marble.

"Jake, you know it's not like that. I'm proud of you, mom would've been just as proud no matter what you did or who you brought home. I bet if you had brought an alien to the table, she would've made that famous cake of hers, hugged them, smiled like she only knew how and they would've been part of the family in two seconds."

"Mom wasn't happy." The lark got quiet and flew away.

“Jake…”

He leaned back, with his head on the grass and his gaze directed to the sky. Tommy joined him. He took his hand. Two brothers and the vast universe above them.

"It's not just that... It's stupid, but the whole love thing, whatever it actually is, I feel like I can't do it."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm afraid. I love you, I loved her, but I feel like I can't give that to another person. I... I think that one day I'll give all that to someone else, and I'll forget the love for you, for her... that I'll wake up every day with this new person, over and over, and out of nowhere, one morning, I'll completely forget mom, I'll forget that she ever existed, and that scares me to death. And what do I do if that person then leaves, Tommy?…It’s stupid. "

“Jake, we have no way of predicting these things. And you'll never forget her, it’s impossible. The love you fear so much is what kept her alive. I don't pretend that I fully understand, but I know for sure that we'll also feel it when we have our own families, our own children."

"Family… he destroyed ours." 

"And that's why we won't repeat his mistakes."

Breeze and crickets, soft earth and marble.

"Tommy, do you remember that night?" A whistle.

"It’s been what, eight years now? I don’t really. Do you?"

"I remember everything."

Breeze. Birds. Sky.

"Tommy, I really hope you're right."

Two weeks. That's how much he begged the demon every morning, when they woke up curled up with each other. Every time he was answered in the same way, with "Beg again tomorrow.". He did it, with the same passion in his voice, with the same sincerity. The demon took advantage, all that begging sometimes ending with the two of them making out, but never anything more.

They had re-entered a new routine, one for the first time in Jake's favor. Quaritch had become extremely attentive. He was always by his side, at every step Jake took, more than before if that was even possible. He had let Jake wear clothes, eat real food without games and tricks. They had resumed their walks around the shack with Quaritch carrying his gun on his belt, but without handcuffs. Jake wouldn't have been able to run away anyway, the sickness holding him prisoner in his own body.

No matter what he did, he couldn't get rid of the symptoms. The IV’s were indispensable. His bruises had healed almost completely, except for the ones left by the needles. His hand was also gradually healing, or better said, the cuts were. His finger was just as inert. Now you're really a Na'vi.

The tension between them had not diminished though. Jake had observed Quaritch countless times, how in the moments when he became too affectionate, he realized what he was doing and resumed his cold, pissed and authoritative demeanor that Jake was used to. Time passed painfully slowly. He wanted to talk to the demon, on any subject, but he was too scared to start a conversation, and Quaritch…Jake had given up trying to understand him. All that was clear was the fact that the demon was also fighting with himself.

He disappeared sometimes, for an hour or two, when Jake was napping, on his ikran, and every time he came back he looked pitiful, with his tail between his legs. Jake had caught him twice since these returns and had seen how the demon remained outside, under the rays of the sun that filtered through the leaves, his eyes fixed on the still visible trace of the AMP suit.

Jake was trying his best not to annoy him, to prove to him that he was serious about all those things spoken in the demon's ears. Quaritch stopped yelling and threatening, Jake stopped making acid comments for most of the time, and somehow, in their own crazy way, they survived each other.

His dreams and nightmares were entangled every night, sometimes starting well and ending badly, or vice versa. Inevitably he dreamed of his family, he dreamed of Neytiri and her warm smile, of the children, and Quaritch was inseparable from the landscape, being Jake's own shadow, always in the back of his neck, always touching and kissing. Each image was so constant that for a few moments he thought it was a memory, not just a figment of his subconscious.

A single dream had lifted his mood, after which he smiled foolishly all day every time he remembered the beginning of it. He saw his mother, with her long, sandy hair, her eyes as blue as the azure of the sky, with her infectious smile. They were on Pandora and he was anxious that she was going to meet his wife, but from the moment they met, they were inseparable, like two sisters, and he was extremely happy. There was a detail that he wanted to forget ardently, though. In the dream, it was Quaritch who brought the children to meet their earthly grandmother. He was arm in arm with Neteyam and Lo'ak. Behind them were Kiri and Spider, with Tuk next to them. Quaritch was carrying a small basket in which something had moved, and Jake woke up instantly.

He didn't want to put too much importance on those dreams. It was just his brain mixing and combining images, past memory fragments, fears. That was all.

That morning, neither the rays of light nor the demon nor the dreams woke him up, but a crushing pain in his abdomen. It felt like someone had stuck a knife through his guts, and Jake suddenly jumped on his ass, whining loudly. Quaritch heard him, coming to him immediately. Another jolt of pain, knife blade, and a howl.

“What is it, Jake?”

He couldn't answer. He took the demon's hand and put it over the painful place. Quaritch tensed. He felt the area, then gently massaged Jake over it, and the pain disappeared.

"That's new. Maybe I'll finally die and you'll get rid of me."

"Do you always have to blurt out the shit that pops into your head?"

"If I didn't, you'd have no reason to hate me."

The pain was gone, but Quaritch hadn't taken his hand off his skin. It was a pleasant sensation, but Jake's body wanted so badly for that hand to go even lower.

"How old are you again?"

Jake snorted at the unexpected question, ready to say something sharp, but stopped when he noticed how intense and serious the demon's face was.

"This body is thirty-five. This instead..." he said putting his hand to his head. "I don't even want to do math. Why?"

Before the demon could answer, they were taken by surprise by loud banging on the front door. Morse code. Wainfleet had returned. Quaritch took Jake after him, helping him sit on one of the chairs at the table. He hesitated with his hand over the handcuffs for a second, but abandoned the idea, hastily opening the door for Lyle.

Unlike Jake, Lyle had recovered quickly, put some weight and muscle back on him, the cut on his neck had turned into a fine scar, a barely visible line. He was equipped from head to toe, bulletproof vest, ammunition, assault rifle, grenade, a pistol, ready as if to throw himself into a mission at any time. He was carrying a backpack behind him, and as soon as he entered the room with it, Jake was struck by an unusually familiar smell.

"The container is out, boss, but I say we wait a little longer until we empty it."

"What happened?"

Lyle glared at Jake, rolling his eyes. He pulled Quaritch over to the operating table.

"Hang on a second." Quaritch told him agitatedly. He took a box of food for Jake and slammed it under his nose.

"Eat! Where should your ears be?"

"Anywhere but at the two of you.” You idiot

Jake looked at the contents and scrunched up his nose seeing only some boiled vegetables with some dubious paste next to it. Quaritch walked back to Lyle, both standing with their backs to Jake. He closed his eyes discretely and listened.

"I had this feeling all the way here, like someone is following me."

"Don't tell me the bitch spotted you?"

"No, don't worry. But speaking of the bitch, I saw her a few days ago, in the north, and she looks just as bad as your boytoy. Pale, thin, her daughter was holding her braids while she puked in some bushes."

What ? No. Why? Why? What's wrong with us?

Quaritch muttered something.

"But that's not what worries me. His son's a little devil. He flies far and wide like a ghost, with Spider after him, bow and arrows strapped on his back like his bitch of a mother. But after so many weeks, I don't think they're looking for Sully, they're looking for a body to bury. Which gave me ideas. We cut off the bastard's hand, break some teeth, anything, and trick them. Maybe that way they won't bother us anymore."

"No... We’re not doing that. No one touches him."

"But boss-"

"I said no, lieutenant. It's an order!"

Silence. Nervous tapping of the foot. Steps. He quickly opened his eyes and ate a bite while holding his breath, but Quaritch wasn't paying attention to him. He had taken his holopad, searching frantically among the files. Jake moved his gaze back to the box, turning slightly in his chair so that it wasn’t so obvious that he was keeping his eyes closed.

"Look at these. All the numbers in red should be green, but with him all the values are spiked."

"Damn it! Ja told us to pay attention to the first three, those related to the brain and the nervous system."

"It's all red Lyle, and that's not all."

Nails and fingers on the screen, scratching, hitting. Silence. A gasp and a grunt.

"Is that real? Is it really what I think it is? He knows?"

“Shh, keep it down.”

Jake opened his eyes again, swallowing hard. What’s wrong with me? What is he not telling me? Why is Neytiri the same? That smell from Wainfleet's backpack made his mind race.

"What are you gonna do?" Lyle seemed scared. What the fuck is he not telling me?

" I really don’t know…"

"I have to sit down for this. Jesus Christ."

Lyle sat down in the other chair. Quaritch also leaned against the edge of the table, separating Lyle and Jake again, with folded hands, sitting in thought. Jake pushed the box aside, he couldn't stand what was in it anymore, but he would have killed for what was in the damn backpack. His mouth was watering. Lyle looked equally distressed by whatever Quaritch had shown him, head in hands, tail swishing in all directions.

"Fucking shit. You can't stay here. You must take him with you and go to Bridgehead.” Quaritch stared blankly, tapping his toes on the floor.

"That's the last thing I want to do."

More swearing, more anxiety in all that cramped air. Lyle was following Jake with his eyes, surprise and indignation at the same time merged on the face of the recom.

"Look at him, you don't even tie him up anymore. He's like a zombie. Hey, Sully, do you fetch bones too when he asks?"

Jake didn't even look up. He stayed where he was, running his nails over his inert finger. That smell hit his nostrils again, he knew what it was, he needed to feel that liquid on his tongue, otherwise he would go crazy. He pulled the courage to just ask the demon about it.

"What's in your backpack, Wainfleet?"

"Oh, fuck, right. With all this fuss, boss, I forgot what was most important."

Lyle ran to get whatever was hidden there. Quaritch turned to face Jake, seeing the box barely touched by him. He took a deep breath and ran his hand through Jake's hair, tenderly, then pushed the box back towards him.

"Eat, princess. You don't want to upset me, do you?" Caress on his face, the lightest touch over his lower lip. 

"Here's the presents! Happy birthday, boss! Twenty-one years old, baby. Or as Z would've said, a year since we pissed on faith."

Two large bottles of whiskey came rushing towards them and Jake mentally cursed those boiled vegetables, craving like a madman for a single mouthful of that sweet alcohol.

"Already? I stopped counting. Do you wanna open one?”

"Nah, it's all for you. But I’ll be in the area. I want to make sure there's no one too close to this place."

Wainfleet left as quickly as he came, but his departure raised some of the heavy air. Now they were just the two of them and two bottles and Jake couldn’t take his eyes away from them. Lyle had left them on the table, they were so close to him, all he had to do was reach out. Quaritch read his thoughts before Jake could act, lifting them in the air.

"Wow, not so quickly princess. Come, back to bed.”

Left, right, up, down, swing, waves, amber tones crushing against transparent thick walls, sweetness in an encapsulated galaxy, one taste, one mouthful. “We won’t repeat his mistakes.” No, Tommy, I won’t. But just this time, just once, I wanna lose myself in that feeling again.

The demon sat down at the desk, put aside some papers, placed the bottles down and opened one. Jake sat on the edge of the bed, standing face to face with the mountain of flesh and blood that kept him away from what he craved most. Quaritch swallowed a mouthful, and Jake watched as the liquid trickled down his throat. He wanted to climb the walls. The fog slowly returned, words and images mixed up again in his head.

"Can I have a sip too, please?"

Quaritch smiled, his lips close to the bottle.

"Your stomach can't hold down vegetables and you want me to give you a drink? Maybe I should take you out for air more often. You're losing neurons, princess." Fuck you.

"It can't get worse than it is now." answered Jake, punching his stomach. Quaritch instantly reached for him, grabbing his hand.

"Stop it." Another punch, right fist, a little lower and a feeling of déjà vu hit him. Quaritch hissed, slapping him hard on the thigh.

"Can't you hear what I'm saying, boy? Do you want me to shove this bottle deep up your ass?"

"Why do you care? It's just a little alcohol. One sip, that's all I want."

"No."

"It's bad luck for the Na'vi to drink on their own on birthdays."

"Birthdays..." Quaritch laughed. "Nice fucking try. Humor me, what do they do on Christmas?... I said no." Another gulp, another claw felt in his chest for the tinniest drop.

"I heard you talking to Lyle, talking about me. If I’m dying, at least I want to enjoy one last delicious sin." Jake reached for the bottles. The demon stopped him again.

"You’re not dying, Sully.” A sight. “You’re not gonna drop it, aren’t you?”

He took another mouthful, but didn't swallow it right away. He motioned for Jake to come closer and grabbed him by the back of the head, kissing him deeply. There were still a few drops left on the demon's tongue. Jake devoured it, searching, licking every nook and cranny for any remaining trace. That taste, those memories, good and bad. Quaritch had to put his hand in Jake's hair to get him off. He took another sip, and the same suffocating kiss followed. Kiss was wrongly said, it was rather a feast. Quaritch climbed over him, pushing Jake down onto the cold sheets.

“Greek goddess.” 

Another sweet sip, the bottle left by the bed, the aroma burning on his taste buds.

The sweet nectar was removed as the demon began to leave kisses on his jaw. Second plan.

“Fuck me.”

“Stop asking, it’s not gonna happen.”

“Then get me drunk. Just make my mind shut up.”

“Forget it, princess.”

“ Forget about her, we broke up.”

Kisses on his neck, warm palms under his shirt, on his hips. He gagged.

"Wait, wait, stop, I'm gonna-"

Jake pulled out from under him, leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed the bottle, throwing it over his head. Waves of euphoria. Once, twice, four times.

"You fucking liar. Let it go! I'll beat you to death, Sully!”

He snatched the bottle from his hands, and Jake started to laugh, proud that he had succeeded. Quaritch, on the other hand, looked as if he was going to send him to Eywa just by looking at him.

"Relax, old man. You act like I killed someone. It's just whiskey."

Quaritch wanted to say something but stopped. One harsh slap against Jake's ass and the demon got up and leaned back in his chair, staring blankly. He threw the bottle over his head and gulped everything, breathlessly, until there was nothing left in it. He slammed it on the table.

Broken glass, yellow headlights, two brothers in front of the house.

No, think of something else. Anything. But he couldn't, those pieces of memories repeating on his retina every time he blinked.

"I'll keep my promise, I'll bond with you, but Miles, I need you. Please."

"Shut up, Jake."

The kitchen floor, the picture in the frame, a blow to the head. "Tommy, mommy cut herself.”

"You can-... you can pretend it's not me. Imagine... I'll just sit and be quiet and you can imagine you know who, if that's what you want." Thank you alcohol.

"You drunk yet, boy?"

"How more direct do you want me to say it? I know you think of her when you fuck me."

Quaritch was left speechless, indignant at what he had heard.

"You really think I would stain Paz's name while I'm balls deep inside of you?"

"Then what were you saying?"

“I- I’m not drunk enough for this.”

“I thought you would like to gloat, to smear more shit on my face by doing it. You’re going soft on me?

Quaritch threw his head back, laughing. He also opened the second bottle.

"Are you dying of curiosity that much, princess? I really mixed your brains in that head of yours, didn’t I? Just like we mixed our blood. You'll find out for yourself soon." The demon smiled at him, drank and hit the bottle on the corner of the table. We mixed our blood. Blood. Blood in my veins. The blood of this new experiment made by the RDA. Recoms. Abnormalities. My own body betraying me. Neytiri. The sickness. The pain. He's to blame. He broke our bond. He broke it when he gave me that blood transfusion.

“Big smiles!"  "Don't touch me!"  "Kids make fun of them." Tip toes on the floor. Yellow headlights.

He was back in their old house, on their old bed and someone was screaming. He felt that pain, like the one from the morning in his stomach.

“Mommy?”

Someone was talking to him, hands were touching his shoulders, his face. A man.

"Dad, don't hurt mommy! Hit me, don't hurt her!"

He heard his name spoken by such a soft, soothing voice. It wasn't his father, his father had never spoken so sweetly to him. He saw shadows, a veil of light across his face, pops near his ears. He tried to recognize that face, but everything was merging, nothing was clear. He only knew that whoever was there wanted him well.

He saw her, like the day she left them. Dressed in that shabby red pullover, with her sandy hair in a ponytail, a few strands stuck to her forehead. She was happy. She was happy. She was happy. “There’s my little boy.”

"I love you. Oe lu ngaytxoa."

Split moment of regained consciousness, and he found himself huddled around Quaritch. He cradled him in his lap, rubbing his back, a hand was gently stroking his hair.

“Miles, what happened?”

“I’m sick of this, that’s what happened.” Quaritch was crying. Actual tears falling down from the man made of stone.

The demon pulled the communicator from his pants pocket. His hand was shaking.

"Lyle, come back here. We're flying Jake tonight to one of those trees."

---

Kids, come on! Dad borrowed the camera only for half an hour. We need to give it back in time. Tom, honey, stop messing with your tie. Where is Jake? Jakey? Baby, come on, daddy is waiting for us. There is my little man! Come on, come on, group picture. I promise I’ll frame this one and we can hang it on the wall, just like those kids from school do. Babe, you sure you don’t wanna be in it? We can all scoot a little bit and maybe… Oh, ok. It’s just mommy and her boys then. Big smiles!

You do this every time! I took the double shifts, I take care of the boys, I run through half the city to get them to school, I cook, I clean. I'm trying my best to keep everything together and all I ask in return is just a little bit of compassion, and for you to stop drinking. No! This is not a raised voice. Don’t touch me! Don’t! Well you think I asked for this? We can barely pay the credit. Kids make fun at them at school for wearing the same clothes. Jake came back yesterday crying his heart out because he saw some kid eating a donut and I can’t afford to buy my sons a fucking treat, but every day there’s a new bottle on that shelf. If it wasn’t for the boys, I swear to God… I'm not yelling! I should just leave and let you be fucking happy with your bottles. Don’t touch me! You should protect us, be here for us, that’s what a father does!... Boys!? No, no! We're not fighting, baby. We just had a little argument. Go back to your homework. I’ll come help you in a minute.

Bang. Bang. Bang. A yell. Glass breaking. Tip toes on the floor in the middle of the night.

“Mommy, what happened?”

“Jake, stay back! There’s glass on the floor, baby. Mommy just cut herself a little.”

“Tommy, mommy cut herself!”

“Stop yelling, boy! You’ll wake up the whole neighborhood.” A hit on his head. “I’ll start the car.”

Bottle on the floor, shards on the kitchen floor, in her arm, bruise on check, tears in blue eyes, his brother near his side.

“Mom, are you ok?”

“Yes, Tommy, is just a cut. Boys, come on, back to bed. It’s a school day tomorrow. I’ll just go with dad really quick to get this fix. The kitchen is a crime scene.” Fake laugh. “No one gets in there till morning, I don’t want you two to get hurt.”

Paper towel over arm, small whimper, shoes on feet, coat on shoulders, front door open, two boys on a 'Welcome' rug, yellow headlights and an engine.

“Mommy, you’re coming back, right?”

“Of course, honey! Go back inside and lock the door. I love you two so, so much! We’ll be back before you know it.”

Chapter Text

They didn’t move from that position. Quaritch kept him in his lap, caressing his skin, talking to him, demanding Jake to answer him, but it got harder and harder with each passing second. There was so much pain in his head, skull split in two, hammering echoes crushing his eardrums. Someone was supposed to come, the demon kept saying that. Shattering pain, skull crushed, white spots everywhere, knife blade in his stomach.

“I can’t… Make it stop! Please, make it stop!”

He was pulling at his hair. The demon tried to stop him but his hands were glued to the strands of hair. He split his lip with how much he bit down on it not to scream. Another pound, this time from the door, reverberating around the fog in his mind. He was being moved, put back down on cold, white sheets. Body heat lost. Pain in his chest.

“Don’t let me here! I’m sorry! I’ll be good. Don’t leave.”

“Shh, I’ll just open the door for Lyle. I’m not going anywhere.”

Hands pulled away from his. Pain. Pain. Pain. Skull. Brain. Spine. Knife blade. Where am I? Where did they go? They crashed. He crashed the car in the head of a bridge. She died on impact. He died in the hospital. No. No. He took her away from us. I want her back. I need her back. I need my mom.

“Mom!”

“You little shit! You touch what’s mine again and you’ll see what happens.”

“Mommy!”

“Hey! You hit him again and I’ll call the cops.” He was pushed behind her. Shield. Dad laughed.

“Yeah? Call the cops on me, slut?” Slut. “This is my fucking house! You don’t like me anymore? You liked me enough when you stood there with your legs wide open-“

“-open your eyes!”

He did, but oh, how he wished he hadn’t done it. Everything was spinning. The demon was right there in his face, spilling out nonsense to his ears. He couldn’t make out a single word. His eyes felt on Lyle, who was standing in the middle of the room, hand over mouth, frown on his face. Then, he looked at the gun resting in the holster of his belt. Radiating pain, mind shattered.

“Pull the trigger, you fucking coward.”

“Hey! Eyes back on me! We’re going, ok. I’m taking you to the Tree.”

I’m not going anywhere with you. I don’t know you. Where am I? There’s something missing. Where’s Tommy?... Kids. My kids. I can’t see them. Where are my kids?

"Jake! Focus on me! Don’t get back inside-"

“-inside where? Jakey? Where are you? Oh, honey! Baby, why are you hiding under there? You will get dirty from all the dust. Come on, come to mama.” Small hands reaching out for loving ones. Warm embrace, safe net.

“What happened? Why are you crying?” Tighter hug. More tears.

“Dad was leaving for work and I-... I told him I loved him and he yelled that real man don’t say things like that, and mommy, he hit me in my arm.” Broken heart. Broken soul. Irreparable, broken love.

“I'm so sorry, honey! So sorry! Dad is going through something, something pretty bad, but that gives him no right to treat you like this. You should never let someone treat you like this again, you hear me? I’ll have a talk with him, ok? And forget what he said. Real man own their feelings and express them.”

“Ok, mommy.”

“Oh, honey. I love you so much! Come on, let’s find your brother. I have something to give-“

“-gave him a few drops. But this fucking idiot stole the bottle from me and gulped down some.”

“He stole the bottle…in his state?!” They were pulling on some metal. Scratches, bullets dropping on the floor, so much agitation, so much noise. His head was on fire, everything hurt so badly. It felt like his brain was about to implode in itself. He saw Quaritch preparing his gun, changing the mag.

“Where are you going? Are you leaving me too?” He was met with silence. He was barely able to keep his eyes open. The lights were too strong. All those smells were flooding his airways, mud from outside, sweat, plastic, Lyle’s disgusting scent, Quaritch’s sweet, familiar one.

“Aren’t you gonna answer him?”

“He’s out. He probably doesn’t even know where he is or who he’s talking to. It’s not the first time he does this. Last two weeks were exactly the same, but it never gotten this fucking worse. It’s harder and harder to pull him out of it."

“For fuck sake, you really did a number on him. And you’re sure this isn’t going to affect the b-“

“-affect both spinal nerves on each side of the vertebra.”

“Yeah, I get all that, but what can be done for him, doctor?” keys shuffled in hand, chlorine smell all around them, white coat.

“Mr. Sully, as I told your brother before this afternoon check, considering your financial situation, there's barely anything to be done. Our hands are tight. There’s a small chance that physiotherapy can return the feeling in his legs, but he will never walk again on that alone. He'll need surgery.” Silence. Broken heart. Broken soul. Irreparable, broken body.

“I’ll let the two of you discuss this.” Closed door. Tearful eyes. Two brothers back together. Two raindrops, and a too much bigger world to fight against.

“I’m so sorry, Jake. I’m sorry I can’t help you more.”

“Don’t do that! I went there on my own. I’m just glad it didn’t hit higher.”

“Jake…” Hug over wires, hospital gown, rekindled hope.

“I’ll see what I can do. I’ll take another loan or…or I can ask at work, or-“

“Tommy, don’t. Stop stressing about me. I’ll get through this.”

“How can I not stress, little brother, when you’re everything I got left in the world. I thought I lost you.”

“Easy, easy, take him by the legs. I’ll grab him by the shoulders.” He was floating, carried away with ease by strong arms. Murmurs in his ear. That deep voice, safety net. He was hit by cold air against his skin. Shivers. He looked up. He saw Miles’ face, glowing, his beautiful luminescent dots intertwined with stars above his head. He looked so worried. The comets in his eyes were fading away.

“Miles, look at the stars-“

“-stars so beautiful, mommy, like your eyes!" Her colorful laugh and tight hold of both of them.

“Which one are those, mom?” asked Tommy pointing up in the clear night sky. They were on the roof, hiding, playing. Dad was going through a phase drunk. They were old enough to know the difference, but she kept playing the part, in the hope that it will change something.

“That is… the charioteer.” Little gasps. Small laughs. Sea size happiness in her heart.

“Those three look like they are stuck together.”

“Yeah, they do,” she said with a glint of melancholy in her voice.

“Just like the three of us, mommy.”

“Sullys stick together,” whispered Tommy and she held them both tighter.

“Yeah, Sullys stick together.”

“- together until we reach the place. I need to be alone with him, but stay close in case anything happens.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Look who’s running now for some local tail.” Small giggle. Ignored words.

“Will Ardmore be a problem?”

“All I know is that she’s pissed as hell. That’s why I suggested we take the guns. I expect anything from that woman.”

“But did she figured it out?”

“Don’t think so, otherwise we wouldn’t be speaking right now. But she wants proof, she wants results.”

“Oh, I’ll give her some to shove up her-“

“-shove up her ass! They don’t respond to the phone anymore. They ghosted me. All because I dropped out of college after I found out I was pregnant, and it’s crazy that after all this years they can’t get over it. Yeah, I know! I know. And I can’t just leave. I've nowhere else to go. He trapped me in this house. No, no, God no, I don’t regret it for a second. Those two boys are my life. I would die if something were to happen to them. Yeah, yeah. So, grandma is out of the picture. I know…not to see her own grandkids. Oh no, I can’t impose, you helped me enough already. I’ll think about it. Oh, hey, can I call you some other time? I can’t talk anymore. Hey, you two troublemakers! What are you up to?”

“Mommy, Tommy built a rocket and he’s taking us all in space!”

“Jake! You ruined the surprise. And not all of us, just us three.”

“That sounds fun. We can all be astronauts.”

“YEAH!” Giggles and hugs and a rocket ship made out of carton milks.

“Oh no, no, we’re not being astronauts with mommy’s kitchen bowls!”

They were flying into the night sky and the fresh air put his mind at ease a little. His left hand was cuffed, the material scrapping his skin. He tugged at it, trying to free himself.

“Stop. It’s just so you don’t fell over.”

Miles. I’m with him. He’ll kill me. No, that’s not right. He…he…he kissed me. So many times. He took care of me.

He leaned back more, relaxing in that hold, nose buried deep in the crook of his neck, inhaling that calming scent. My mate. He opened his eyes again. Blue skin, stripes, soft hold, two beating hearts. He put his right hand over Miles’ knee, gently, and he took a deep breath. Miles put his hand on Jake’s hip, holding him as close to his body as he could. Ikran’s wings flapped incessantly. Drums. Pain. Fog.

“I forgave you.” Please don’t hit me. Don’t hit me. Don’t hit me.

“I did after you died, not right away, it took some years, but I did.”

“Really, Jake?” That deep voice, but there was something different about it. It was more guttural.

“Yeah. I stopped blaming you at some point. You just didn’t know any better, dad.” The hold on his hip loosened.

“-believe you said that, of all people. But I’m glad you found the strength to do so.”

“Did you ever consider it?” he asked Tommy. Fireworks in the distance. Glasses of cheap champagne. New Year’s resolutions or something along the lines.

“I mean, he’s dead. So, it wouldn’t do us any good to keep the grudges.” answered Tommy, looking in the distance from the balcony of the apartment. “At the end of the day, he was still our father. There were some good moments in there, with all of us.”

“ If they were, I don’t remember them. And I forgave him, but I'll never forget what he did, what he put her through, no matter how many years pass.”

“Jake, we’re almost there. Look.” He was being shaken. Palm squeezed. “Do you see that, hm? Come one, get out of it. Jake!” Head pounds. Loud noises. So much vegetation.

“Yeah, yeah I see. Stop shouting.”

“You’re back with me? Hm? Who am I, Jake?”

“My mate. You are my mate, Miles.”

Flapping wings. The wind that hit them in the face. They were going down. Ships decelerating. Bullet wounds, shattered spine, chest wound, bullet in, bullet out. Pain. Skull crushed.

“My son, I need to save my son.” He leaned forward, too much, too suddenly, and he fell. Down, down, down, flying upside down, and he was ready to hit the ground, but it never happened. He crashed into meat and bones. Grunts and moans and cold fingers on his face.

“You alright? Let me see you.” Head moved left and right, fingers on neck, on chest, on belly. “Say something. You’re hurt anywhere?”

“My head- my… hurts so much. We need to bond. You broke our bond.”

He carried him in his arms. He was floating. They approached the lights, lit branches, blessing curtain, florescent waterfall.

Miles lowered them on the grass. Familiar scent. Body heat. Pain. Pain. Pain. Knife blade. He felt his kuru being moved. Miles’ breath on the back of his neck. Hesitation. Pain.

“Do it. Do it!”

A cool electric current passed through him when the bond was complete. They both breathed a sigh of relief. Euphoric vibrations flowed through the marrow of his bones, the pain evaporated, his mind cleared. He could feel Miles, he could feel his heartbeat. They were breathing in unison, both floating in a refreshing calm. All the sickness disappeared instantly, all the dizziness and nausea and pain.

Rain of stars, comets burning high in the sky, the two of them and the whole universe. And then they started hitting him, all those feelings that didn't belong to him, like a wave hitting the shore of the sea. Fear. Fear of losing a child. Then he could see Spider through his father's eyes all those months ago. Scared not to hurt him, scared not to lose him again, scared not to disappoint him, not to let the old version of him drive him away.

He had made compromises for him, he had tried to adapt, to see the world through his son's eyes. He had seen the fear and determination to hide it when Neytiri raised her knife, and felt the primal fear as she prepared to strike. But Miles was hiding something, a layer he couldn't get past, a new fear, hidden deep in his mind.

"Let me see, Miles. Let it go.”

No matter how hard he tried, he failed to break that barrier. Then he felt something else. Grief. Grief for his friends, for the recom unit, for the fact that he disappointed them the second time, that he lost them so quickly for a fight that was beginning to lose its meaning. Grieving for the struggle within himself trying to decide who he really was. He was lost.

A balance, a part that drew on old memories that he could not make peace of mind with, with the words, opinions and beliefs of a man imposed on his subconscious. Another part was pulling towards another man, one who wanted ardently to accept himself, to accept the image reflected in the mirror, to make his own way in life. However, this part of the balance was still too light, constantly overturned by the other.

Then he felt the cyclone of contradictory feelings swirling around his image. Jake seems to be drinking a cocktail of hatred, curiosity, desire, possession. Hatred. Desire. Hatred. Pleasure. Hatred. Obsession. Hatred. Lo-. No, not for him. Or maybe. A slice of affection floated in that confused mix. And Jake got scared.

He opened his eyes, trying to calm his heartbeat. The demon had his arms crossed around him, kneeling, his head bent over Jake's shoulder. He was still lost in that sweet trance. Jake could feel it. He knew that the demon would see everything about him, about his life and past, about everything he had felt and thought in those weeks since he was held captive.

You have to accept him. You have no choice. You are bonded now. You promised, you begged him, for the children, anything for your wonderful children, for Neytiri. Eywa, keep her safe. You do it because you love them so much. Now you understand mom. You understand why she didn't leave, why she struggled, why she pretended and tried in every way to keep you safe. Accept it. You will learn to tolerate him. You will learn to love-

An atokirina hovered above them, in her fragile movements, descending towards them. A blessing. Jake glared at it, turning his head in all directions after it, a smile on his face. Eywa did not abandon me. The seed settled on his raised knee, and he remained as still as he could.

"Miles! Look. Are you seeing this?”

"I am."

The demon's eyes were fixed on him, comets burning, stars crashing into each other. Miles undid the handcuffs. They were still bonded to each other. Hearts pounding rapidly at the same time, shortness of breath, shivers down the spine. He kissed him and Jake melted into it. My mate. 

"You're mine." The demon broke the bond. Multitudes of kisses were left on his face, on his neck, fingers exploring all over his body, stopping on his hips. He lifted Jake’s shirt. He left hot kisses on the collarbone, on the chest, on the ribs, until his lips reached under Jake's navel, kissing deeply the skin there. The demon stopped thoughtfully. Jake's smile was gone.

"You're hiding something. What aren't you telling me?"

Quaritch lifted his shirt more until the piece of material was gathered over Jake's eyes. He leaned over him and kissed his jaw, licking his way up to his ear.

“Oel pänu ne vewng ngati, ma muntxatan.” I promise to take care of you, my mate.

“What? Did you just-“

Jake lifted himself from under the demon as burned. Quaritch leaned back, tense, wearing the mask of an emotionless man again.

"How did- what is this?"

Quaritch shrugged, looking anywhere but at Jake.

"I thought you wanted to finally hear what I said back then." Liar. Manipulative piece of shit.

“Look me in the eyes and say it again then.”

The demon bit his lip, his ears laid back. He took a deep breath. Around them the seed was still floating around and now Quaritch was the one who couldn't take his eyes off it. But when the atokirina flew past Jake's face, the comets stopped dead in their tracks. Consuming fire.

“Oel pänu ne vewng ngati, ma muntxatan.”

The accent was shit, but the words and their meaning were right there. A promise. An oath. But Jake was thinking only of all that hatred he had seen existing in Quaritch. He waited a good few seconds for something else to follow, but the demon didn't continue.

"This is the part when you start to laugh, you piece of shit. It's the part where you make sure you make fun of every sacred thing in my life." Quaritch fumed with anger. His fists were clenched next to his body.

“I'm not like you, Jake. I keep my word."

"Yeah, I saw it. You did exactly as you said. You've torn my mind and body to pieces since your putrid blood ran through my veins. All those nightmares, all the sickness, all that need to be close to you, were only because of your fucking blood and what you fucking did, and I was too stupid not to realize it earlier. But with this, no. I don't believe you."

Quaritch pounced on him, his claws digging into the flesh of Jake's head, holding him in place. Prey and hunter. Coyote souls fighting in the mud.

"I'm glad, then, that I broke that bitch out of your life faster. If I'd known, I would've enjoyed her pain more. Don't you see, boy? Can't you really see how you’ve become my obsession?"

Jake didn't even dare to blink. Behave. Don’t anger him. You’ll strain the bond and she might still suffer from it.

"Ever since Spider saved me, all I see in front of my eyes is you. You. You and only you. And I don't know how to get you out of my head."

"All right. Okay.”

"You are mine now, princess, completely, and you would do well to get used to this thought. " Burning kiss. "Mine, especially now."

“Mhm, yours.” He kissed him back fighting the tears that threatened to spill out. “I’m sorry. You're right, alright? My mind is still a little bit foggy, but I believe you. I’m sorry.”

He straddled the demon’s lap and hugged him, running his finger through his short hair. He damned the way his heart calmed down when he was so closed to him, to his scent. Accept it. Stop fighting it.

“Can I- can I still see my son? You told me you would let me.”

Quaritch picked him up and carried him closer to the branches. Jake grabbed the branch, grabbed his kuru and begged the demon with his eyes, lost in that bright yellow.

“Do it with me. It will strengthen our bond.”

“It ain’t happening.”

“It won’t hurt you. On the contrary, She'll give you strength.”

He let go of the branch and brought the demon’s kuru forward, holding both in his right hand. He took Quaritch’s hand and put it over his own.

“Together.”

Before his own tendrils could connect to the sacred Tree, he pulled back, letting Quaritch be the only one to connect. He managed it. He did it. Now he could only pray that whatever Eywa showed the demon would help himself. Maybe he'd finally open his eyes.

Jake staggered back to his feet, shaking, until he fell backwards onto the grass. A moment to breathe, a moment of peace with a clear mind without a demon next to him. His head still hurt a little. Only then did it really hit him how weak he was from everything that had happened. How much weight he had lost. How much his body had become unaccustomed to effort and movement.

In the distance he could hear the flapping wings of Wainfleet's Ikran. He looked at the clear sky and the burning stars and he looked for constellations. You're his. His. You are trapped and you have nowhere to run, and if you do... you condemn everyone. Accept it.

A rustle among the leaves. The sound of footsteps. Stretched thread. No, it couldn't be his imagination. He felt better. A panic in his bones and muscles. Something was in the air. Someone was watching them. Hunter and prey. Golden beads in the middle of the night.

He jumped up and pulled Quaritch down by the shoulders just before the poisoned arrow could pierce the demon. A new arrow, clumsily made, green feathers at its end.

“Na’vi! Lyle cover me!” shouted the demon through the communicator. He took out his gun pointing it frantically in all directions. He had Jake behind him. They moved away step by step, the demon's ikran being relatively close.

“Is that you, Mrs. Sully? You’re a little late I’m afraid. He’s mine now.”

Lyle was above them, circling the area tightly. Suddenly the sound of bullets broke the tension.

"No, tell him to stop!" Jake yelled, but Quaritch just held him back.

"Shoot anything that moves or tries to come after us!"

He picked Jake up, throwing him over his shoulder. He punched and kicked him, struggling in the demon's grip.

"Neytiri! Run, don't fight them! Run!” He hit the demon again and again, with everything he got left in himself, cutting skin with his nails. “Put me down! Neytiri!” Bullets and arrows were flying above them. When they reached the ikran, Quaritch let him down, holding him by his kuru while he wiped away the blood left by Jake’s nails.

“You do that again and I’ll…”

“You promised, you son of a bitch. You promised you won’t hurt them if I bond with you. You fucking liar!”

Rough hand tagging at his skin. Desperation in burning comets.

“I’m not letting any of them rip away another child of mine!”

I’m not letting any of them rip away another child of mine.

Rip away another child of mine

Another child of mine

Child of mine

Hands on hips lifting him in the air. The cries of an Ikran in the night. If he were to look back, he would've noticed that Wainfleet stopped shooting. If the echoes of his mind would've let him turn his face towards the Three, he would've seen for a splitting second the frames of two boys trying to bring justice in their ruined lives. If he hadn't been so weakened, he would've heard Quaritch's panicked voice talking to his friend, flying as fast as those bullets to escape the shadow of his death. If he wasn’t so paralyzed from fear, he would've felt the trickle of blood that was slowly staining him between his legs.

Child of mine

Drawing for this chapter

Chapter Text

They kept flying into the night, blind bats, until they were sure nothing followed their tails. The forest was quiet, or perhaps his hearing stopped working. No sound. Barely a sight of vision. He was able to make out his trembling hands in front of his body, one holding the saddle for dear life, the other glued to his navel. His heart pumped mixed blood under his skin, tiny bit out, but to him it felt like all his organs froze in time.

The monster! Fucking demon! He lied to me. He lied to me. He lied to me. Devil growing inside. Horned head and sharp fangs to rip his way out of me. Red stripes. Anomaly. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. He lied to me. I want it dead. I'll rip it out myself. His fucking child inside of me. Another fucking monster.

He came back to himself when drops of cold water hit his face. They landed in a river. Quaritch threw himself off. The demon grabbed water in his palms, letting his head soak in it, slight tremble of his tail. Jake turned his gaze away, he couldn’t look at him. He finally felt the wetness between his legs and ran his fingers over the material of the pants. His blue fingers turned red, and all of a sudden he saw Lo’ak before his eyes, with stained hands from the blood of his brother. He fought not to gag.

Let it die. It would only be fair. A son for a son. He brought this on himself.

Lyle landed his ikran right next to him, and Jake feared for a second that the bastard will notice the blood. Lyle ran pass him, paying Jake no mind, rushing toward Quaritch, holding him upright while the demon struggled to breath.

“Boss, you’re alright?”

“I just need a moment. Just…need a moment…”

“I didn’t hit any of them, ok? I swear. As soon as I saw Spider I just sprayed in the air to scare them off. He was with Sully’s kid. I saw them flying away, ok?”

Quaritch kept cooling his face with water. Lyle stood right there by his side. My Lo’ak. My son…What are you doing boy? Heavy breaths. Streaming water. Light squeals from the ikrans. They’re not looking at me.

Jake carefully slid down the creature, holding himself up by the straps from the side. The cold running water felt like a blessing over his tired and sore muscles. He wanted so badly to lay down. He found strength in himself to take a few steps. Left, right, rock, left, mud swallowing down his toes, right. His eyes didn’t leave the two demons. He prayed that the ikrans won’t alert them. Left, right. The night breeze passed over his body and he mentally cursed himself. The smell. He got low, until his middle was underwater, pulling at the material, trying to wash away as much blood as he could. He moved backwards, like a palulukan hidden in the shadows until his feet touched dry land.

Backs turned at him. Quaritch spitting and trembling, Lyle talking over him. Shot of adrenaline. Move. Now. Just keep moving. He ran, fast, faster, against the wind, past leaves and bushes and plants, past vines that almost tripped him. He ran as fast as that day when he opened his eyes in this new body, this new life. Where am I even going? He’ll find me. Buy time. Just put distance between them, enough to let it die inside you.

He could still fill fresh blood coming down his leg. His inner thigh burned every time he stretched his leg forward, but he couldn’t stop to check it. He just needed to move. Another minute or two of pushing his legs to take another step, constant look behind his back for his tormentors. There was no one there, just shadows. Another step and another, slower pace, one more. He hid in the dry and hallow trunk of a fallen tree, catching his breath. Trapped rabbit, hummingbird wings.

It wasn’t Neytiri. She’s safe. She’s safe somewhere. Thank you, Eywa. But he still lied.

Jake pulled his pants down, shoving his finger deep inside his cunt, searching. His hand came out clean. He did it again, and again, with less hope each time he realized that the blood really didn’t came from down there. He felt again the burn, the sting. Right there, between his inner thigh and groin, he cut himself with his own nails, four little cuts pouring out trickles of blood. He had been so scared for Neytiri and so shocked by the demon's words that he'd done it without realizing it. He cursed out loud frustrated.

I don’t want this. “Embrace my gift.” This is not a gift, it’s a fucking curse. My son rots somewhere, while I have this monstrosity inside of me. I'll tear it to pieces in his face, just like he wished to do with my family. He put this fucking creature, a worm, a disgusting, moving, crawling thing inside of me. I'll burn it. I'll squeeze its blood out in front of him, make him watch, make him fucking have a taste of it. His headache returned, full swing, crushing his brain. How can he ever care about Spider? How can he wish to be a father when he can’t even be a descent fucking being? How could Paz Socorro ever look at him, tolerate him, love him, enough to let the demon put a baby deep inside her womb? He lied. I asked him and he lied to my face. He put his dog to shoot at my boy. God, don’t let anything bad happen to them. They did nothing wrong. It’s all my fault. Only mine. He wiped away tears. I want it gone. Out.

He took a deep breath, fist above his head. One good punch, that’s all I need. But he hesitated. Every time he thought he could just throw his punch, he raised it a little bit more instead, until his knuckles touched the bark. Just do it. He didn’t hesitate to hold Lo’ak at gun point. He didn’t hesitate to put a knife at Kiri’s throat. But he couldn’t. He remained with his arm raised until his muscles felt numb and tingly. A numbness that restored some reason in his mind. It’s... it's yours too…It has no fault to be here… You like him to fuck you. You begged him to fuck you even when you knew this could be possible. “A sinner dies by the hands of his sins.” Slut. Now live with the consequen-

“Get the fuck out of there!”

Lyle grabbed him by his raised arm, pulling him out of his hiding. He held Jake’s both hands in his, the other around his throat, his head in his lap. Jake didn’t struggled, didn’t move a single muscle. Quaritch was in front of him, livid with rage.

“What did you do, Sully?” He sounded like an animal. The demon got on his knees when he noticed the blood on Jake’s leg, pulling the pants further down until he was naked in front of them. “I’ll cut your fucking hands off! Tell me what you did!”

He didn’t even get the patience to wait for an answer. He spread Jake’s legs, pulling apart his cunt so he could check him, dry finger digging inside his tight walls until it reached his closed cervix. Jake didn’t make a sound. Quaritch couldn’t contain his relief when he pulled out his finger just as clean.

“You fucking idiot. What did you tried to do, ha? Where did you think you could run, boy?... Answer me for fuck’s sake!”

“I saw him with his fist raised, boss. Pretty telling to me.”

Quaritch dug his fingers in the small cuts.

“Did you?” Jake hissed in pain, barring his fangs. “Answer with words, you fucking savage!”

“I wasn’t gonna do anything.”

“Why did you run?”

“I couldn’t bare to look at your ugly ass face.” He spat at the demon, and Lyle chocked him a little for it. Quaritch almost slapped him, but stopped himself at the last second, gathering the spit and shoving it right back between his lips.

“Next time I’ll make sure my bullets clap your boy right between his eyes.” Jake saw red.

“And I’ll just dig my nails in my guts until I rip out this plague that grows inside me.” Tears in the demon’s eyes. Hand pulled back from his thigh. Tail down, defeated. Headshot. Two can play this game now.

Quaritch dressed him back without saying anything else. Jake could not ignore the way Quaritch ducked his head in order to hide his tears, or how he lingered with his fingers on his flat belly for a few more seconds when he was done.

“Take him back to the ikran. I’ll be right behind you.”

“Sure thing, boss.” Lyle sounded just as defeated.

Lyle carried him, just like Quaritch did before, with one hand under his back and the other under his knees, just like Tommy did so many times after the accident, and Jake shrank in himself at the thought of the memory. He looked back, searching in the dead of the night for moving constellations. The demon was slowly following them, dragging his feet like a ghost without a destination and for just one split second Jake felt bad for what he said. You are not like him. You are not a monster. This thing inside you did nothing wrong, didn’t put itself in there. Fuck. Not a thing, a baby. It’s a baby.

The rest of the flight was painfully silent. They were all on edge. Bubble ready to burst. That silence did Jake no good as he had to face his thoughts. The dark ones kept screaming in the back of his mind to find a solution, to get rid of the parasite. His other thoughts tried to find reason, reminding himself that the baby was as much his as it was the demon’s. He couldn’t do that, hurt his own child, no matter what Quaritch did in the past. Constant battle in his psyche, constant touch of his belly, trying to feel life under his palm, trying to feel that kind of affection that Neytiri felt when they found out she was pregnant. But Jake remained detached from the idea. Soon enough they were back at the shack, back in hell, and Jake didn’t know what to expect anymore.

Quaritch helped him slid down. They walked hand in hand until they were standing in the hollow left by the AMP suit, and Jake squeezed the demon’s hand tighter without realizing. Lyle was the first one to enter the shack and he came back out in seconds, holding Quaritch’s holopad.

“I need to take some picture for Ardmore.”

“Alright, make it quick.”

“And I need to talk to you afterwards. Alone, preferably.”

Quaritch nodded, pushing Jake forward until they were both awkwardly standing near the shack.

“Make it believable, boss. It’s the only way I can buy you some more days. Hey Sully, act brain dead. It shouldn’t be too hard.”

No, it wasn’t. It was actually terrifyingly easy. Quaritch covered Jake’s neck bite with his hand, the other buried in his hair, tilting his head at an odd angle. Play the part. Gaze blurry, lost somewhere in the distance, mouth slightly open, hands behind his back. Flashes of light as Lyle photographed him from different angles.

“Should’ve taken these when he had those ugly bruises.” Flash. Close up. Flash. “Right, this should do. Can we talk?”

Quaritch let him go, and Jake slid down the wall, hugging his raised knees. They’ll just laugh at you, the entire base. Colonel’s Miles Quaritch certified bitch. After all this, you don’t deserve to ever be called Toruk Makto.

“I need to have a word with this menace first. Come on, princess, get up!”

He was pulled up by both demons, Lyle supported his weight with half his body. Jake really couldn’t stand Lyle’s scent, a mix of garbage and dead flowers, making him fight not to spill his guts at the demon’s feet.

“Listen to me very carefully, Jake.” Chin between strong fingers, deadly grip. “Right now, out here, I’ll allow one last fucking tantrum on the matter.” Head shaken, pulled closer to burning comets. “But in there, I hear you say one more word about it, or do any more fucked up thing like punching yourself or God knows what… and I wipe everything, boy. We're moving back to square one. All the weeks, anything that’s between us, I’ll forget it all and you can get your ass back to being tide to that wall, to fucking beg for scraps.” Head shaken again. Message loud and clear. “Or, you can be good, just as you’ve been for the last two weeks and we can do this peacefully. You got it?”

Jake nodded.

“Words, boy! I want to hear you say it.”

Lyle shook him good, pulling at Jake’s tail without Quaritch seeing it.

“You lick his ass too much…give him choices. You should’ve beaten the crap out of him like we talked about. Fucking ''tantrums'.

“Lyle, enough. It’s been a long fucking day as it is. Let’s wrap it up. Come on, princess, talk.”

“I understand.” He swallowed the knot forming in his throat. “I hate you for not telling me. You…you just-“

He punched Quaritch in the face. In reality, it was barely a love tap. The demon didn’t even flinch. He did it again, same weakness in his bones, but it felt so relieving to just do it. Punches in chest, knees in stomach, whip lash with tail, and the demon just stood there. Jake stopped to breath, he was so exhausted.

“You’re done? You had your little fun?"

Jake swept away the sweat gathered on his forehead. Spit in the grass. He won’t even bruise.

“Yeah, I did.” he answered in a defying tone.

“Lyle, get him inside. To bed, princess! I don’t wanna find you anywhere else.”

“I’m dirty, sweaty and covered in blood. You’re sure you-“

“Bed, now!”

Another painful hidden tug at his tail and Lyle’s sharp claws pulling at his arm to move. Hurried steps, close door, long bunk bed room, familiar scent. Jake took off his shirt, tossing it somewhere near the bathroom. He was ready to pull off those bloody pants but stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed that Lyle was still there, arms crossed, pissed off expression.

“Get out!”

“I’ve already seen your cunt, Sully. I’m not going anywhere until you lay on that bed.”

“Fuck you!”

Hard slap across his face, a shove at his chest and he lost his balance. Foreign hands on his hips, pants gone, legs pulled apart, heavy weight, fingers around his neck, palm over his mouth, dirty lips hovering near his ear.

“If he wasn’t so strict about you, I would’ve fucked you so deep in your ass, until you could taste my dick on your tongue.” Cargo pants rubbing against his thighs, full panic in his body. “He’s going easy on you, but that ain’t working with me. You try anything, and I mean anything, and I swear to God I’ll shred you to pieces, like we were supposed to do.”

He got up and took one more good look at Jake, who just stood there paralyzed, stoned muscles and bones. Warm spit on his chest.

“Fucking whore.”

He left. Jake pulled the blanket over his body. Fetal position.  First morning rays on his face, but he felt like the world was about to end. The demons fought outside, wild beasts, hounds, biting at each other’s throats. Something about the kids seeing him alive, something about the RDA, something about his pregnancy, mumbles, shouts, and Jake just wanted to sleep. He closed his eyes for a second. Just one moment.

---

A car was burning in the distance, covered in smoke that would just rise up in the starless night like a beacon. When he looked down all he could see was soot all over his body. Something was following him, a darkness, that would wipe away his doomed soul. He ran. Pavement, leaves, pavement, leaves. He was human, he was Na’vi. Human. Na’vi. Neither. Both. He was alone in the world, the last shadow to ever step on Earth’s crust. Until he wasn’t. Body pain, opened wounds, pressure between his legs and a mass of meat fell at his feet. Horns, fangs, burning tail, red stripes. Leave it. Save it. Leave it. Save it. Leave… He couldn’t.

When he picked it up the whole world changed. He was in the middle of a street, crowded by people and Na’vi. Smoke gone. Night gone. He could barely see the horizon from all the daylight. Neytiri was there, dressed in a beautiful, white, silky dress, pearls around her neck, with Lo’ak at her side. They were laughing, arms filled with balloons and ice cream. Kiri and Spider crossed the street, hand in hand, his daughter rushing towards him with a bouquet of flowers. “What are you guys doing here?” “They were too eager to see our little miracle.” His voice. He turned around to see Miles, dressed in cargo pants and Na’vi adornments, helping Tuk to ride a bike. “Look, dad, no hands!” “Wow, easy there, tigress.”

Lo’ak came first to hug him and to leave kisses on his and the baby’s foreheads. He had never seen his son so happy. “Don’t you remember, dad?” he asked with a matured voice.“family meeting.” Neytiri was next to leave a kiss on his lips, one on the baby, and one on Miles’ check. “I can’t believe this day is finally here.” Said Spider lifting himself on his toes to take a better look at the little bundle of joy. “Me and Kiri counted every second.” “Eywa blessed you two, dad. Miles, I’m happy you’re part of his life.” Miles took Kiri’s hand, leaving a small kiss there. Knight in armor, old chivalry gesture. “It means a lot coming from you, young lady.” Neytiri gathered the kids around her, their big loving family, while him and Miles hugged, three heartbeats overlapping. “MaJake, I think there’s someone else who would like to talk with you.”

He turned around and they were back on that old street, at his parent house. White fence, willow tree, stone pavement, someone on the porch. ”It took you some time, little brother.” “Tommy!” He bent down to hug him, careful not to do it too harshly. "Alright, let me see the new member of the family.” Miles gave Tommy the baby. Cradles and smiles, and Tommy entered the house with his hands full. “Mom, look who came to visit.” “Mom?!” He rushed to see her.

---

He woke up. It was just a dream…why do they feel so real? He was tangled up in the blanket. Quaritch laid there next to him, a solemn look on his face. He felt that sting again. The blanket was covered with blood spots in some places.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I’ll clean it up.”

He tried to get up but Quaritch laid a firm hold on his thigh, pulling Jake closer to his body. The demon was just as naked as he was.

“Leave it, I don’t care.”

Awkward silence. Familiar, sweet smell. Jake fought so hard to contain the urge to throw himself at the demon’s neck, to bathe himself in his scent, to destroy any last residue from Lyle’s disgusting and poisonous one. Silence. Neither of them moved. Quaritch’s hand was still there, burning his skin in a good way. Headache. Memories of a dream. Pregnancy. Their bond. Lo’ak and Spider. The atokirina. Pregnancy. Lo’ak and his arrows. The baby. Lyle. The photos. The baby. The baby. The baby. Heavy weight. Spit on stomach. The baby. Too much. Too much. I can’t.

“Why did you lie to me?” He almost didn’t recognize his own voice. He was shivering inside, almost expecting Quaritch to not answer him.

“Did I? I don’t remember it that way.” Mask back on. Stern voice.

“I asked you plain and simple, and you lied.”

“That didn’t happen either. I remember you babbling, barely forming a sentence.”

“I- can you just answer the fucking question. Why did you lie, why didn’t you tell me I was pregnant?” Nails in his thigh, scratching his skin.

“Tone down the nasty attitude first, before I put you over my lap to fix it.” Eywa, give me strength… He took a deep breath. He needed to know in order to even consider forgiving the demon for what he did. He cleared his throat. Stay calm.

“Please, tell me why did you hide the pregnancy from me.”

Another long silence.

“I was sc-sure of how you will react. You ticked all the boxes.” A tremor in the demon’s voice.

Jake turned on his side, trapping Quaritch’s hand between his legs.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen…You did the scan. Does it shows when-“

“The first time we fucked.” The first time you raped me. His brain felt like a burning match. There was too much going on, too much to process and accept.

“You can’t keep me here. Even if Wainfleet buys you more days, the supplies will end at some point again, and then what?”

“I see you feel better.” The demon answered between his teeth, removing his hand.

“We stay here, we eventually die. You take me back to Bridgehead, they kill me on sight, you said it yourself. Do me a favor and finish what you fucking started on that ship before things go too far.”

“Can you stop with the killing spree? And I am not taking you there. How many times do I have to say it?”

“Then where?”

“Out there, somewhere. I like you better with your mouth shut-“

“ ‘Out there’, ‘somewhere’, do you listen to yourself? You wouldn’t survive a day in the forest. You don’t know how to hunt, how to make bows, arrows, how to build a shelter. You would be worse than a child.”

Quaritch turned on his side as well, fist in Jake’s hair. Jake wondered how there was any left on his head.

“What are you even trying to convince me off? Ha? I know when the gears are turning in that little head of yours, so spit it out.”

“You can let me go and-“

“That shit again. It ain’t happening, princess.”

Jake straddled his legs, taking the demon by surprise. Headache. Memories. Baby. Bullets shower. I need him.

“Listen to me. Let me go back to my family and come with me. I can convince them to let you stay. I can try to fix your relationship with Spider.”

“Sully!”

“I’ve seen it all when we bonded. I’ve seen how much you care about him. You can still fix this, Miles. You can let him in the past.”

“If you don’t shut up right now…”

“Or maybe you’re too much of a coward. You lied. I bonded with you and all I asked was for you to let them alone, and what did you fucking do in return? Your word means shit to me now.” The demon laughed.

“…Betrayal…sucks doesn’t it, Jake?”

Raised hand in the air, and he flinched on instinct, but the demon’s palm just rested on his check. A soft pat.

“Come on, lay down, spread your legs.”

“What?”

“I told you I’ll fuck the bitch out of you when she comes out and now, more than ever, I have all the rights to do so.” The demon flipped them, trapping Jake under his massive body. “You’re one word away from making me choke the life out of you, princess, and you did that thing again with your eyes.” Jake gasped when he felt his clit touched. “I’m making us both a favor.”

Fine.

Scorching kisses as he wrapped his legs around the demon’s waist. It was easier to just fuck than think or talk, so for that moment, Jake let go. Quaritch grabbed their kurus, connecting them, and the cold, electrifying sensation slowed down their rapid beating hearts. Two bodies, one soul. The intensity of his senses left shivers down his spine, being able to feel everything that Quaritch felt.

He left kisses on Jake’s jaw, small bites on his neck, licks, bites, kisses, until he reached the heat between his legs. The wet tongue over his hot cunt and he could not stop the cascade of moans coming out of his depths. It felt amazing but it was too much. He didn't know what to do with his hands. He gripped the blanket tightly between his fingers until his knuckles turned white. He couldn't stay still, raising his hips, trying to get away from that sweet torture, the demon having to dig his nails into his flesh to keep him in place.

“Stop squirming or I’ll tie you up.”

“Do it.”

Quaritch found his belt and climbed back onto Jake. The demon slipped the strap through the buckle around his neck and he enjoyed the feeling so much. He tightened it enough so that there was a firm hold on his jugular, and with the rest, he tied his hands above his head. When Jake tried to move, the belt tightened a little more. It was perfect.

“Fuck, princess. I’ll put a real collar on you, even if I have to make it myself.”

Hunger in the murderous gaze. Spread legs. Sweet feast. The demon sucked hard on his clit, and he cried out, trying to move, trying to chase that high pleasure. He felt the pools of slick coming out, but the demon’s tongue cleaned every bit. Deadly grip on his hips that he knew it will bruise, nose and mouth buried in his folds, addictive torture.

“You taste so delicious, princess.”

“Don’t stop, please.”

He could sense trough the bond the lust inside Quaritch. Loud moans mixed with screams, rough tongue devouring him and he felt that pressure in the pits of his stomach. Close, so close. But his mind ran away, in a memory, and Quaritch chased it through the bond. He added a finger in the mix, driving Jake insane.

“Tell me you won’t leave me. Please. Please. Fuck-“

He kept fingering him, while he raised his head to breath, sparkly slick all over his mouth, like a lion enjoying the blood of its pray.

“I won’t leave you, kitten. Never.”

“Fuck- Miles, I’m gonna-“

He ducked back between his folds, sucking and licking and Jake couldn’t hold it anymore. He came all over the demon’s face, his body trembling with ecstasy. Quaritch ran his finger over the slit, over his sensitive clit, up, up, circling his hard nipple, all the way to Jake’s soft lips.

“Wanna taste yourself?” Jake nodded, glazy, lost look in his eyes. “Open your mouth.”

He did, Quaritch grabbed his chin, and spit in his mouth. Jake reveled in the taste, pupils dilated, excited flicker of tail. Quaritch kissed him, smearing spit and slick all over his face as well. A flash of a memory through the bond. White spot. An idea.

“Fuck me, Miles, please. Breed me. Put another one inside me. Please.”

That same finger found its way back between his legs, the tip toying with his slit. He untied Jake, throwing the belt to the floor. He spun him around, belly on the sheets, ass and cunt in the air, grip on hips and he was put in all fours. Fat cock nudging at the entrance and he didn’t have to beg. The demon slid in with ease, stretching Jake’s walls so perfectly. Made for him. He lowered himself on Jake, thrusting forward, hand fit around his throat, improvised collar. His.

“Mine, kitten.”

He cut his airflow and everything felt ten times more intense. Hand twisted in strands of hair, pulling hard, until Quaritch could shove his tongue back in his mouth. Fiery passion. Unwanted memory in the back of his mind. Deep, fast thrusts. Burning sensation. The grip in his hear. The tears in his eyes.

“Hit me.”

The demon didn’t falter, didn’t stop, but Jake was sure that he’d seen it too, that he felt the unexplainable need. He slapped him hard across his ass, a moan covering up the reverberating sound. Skin upon skin. Radiating pleasure. The cock splitting him in two and he couldn’t get enough of it.

“Do it again. Harder.”

Slap on slap on slap, until his skin turned in a mix of reds and darker shades of blue. The demon was close too. He sank his fangs in Jake’s shoulder, the same favorite spot, his cock pulsing deep inside, the tip nudging at the cervix. One more push, and he was being fucked by the knot as well. Skin stretched to the limit. Too much pleasure. Rivers of tears in his eyes.

“Mine, all mine. I’ll never leave you, Jake.” Panted breath and the ghost of a kiss on the back of his neck. He slapped him again and they both came at the same time. Yours.

His heart skipped a bit when he felt the wave of cum coaxing his insides. It felt so right to be claimed like that. When Quaritch pulled out, he hurried to keep everything in from spilling with his fingers. He slowly turned to face the demon. They were back on their sides, and Quaritch disconnected their kurus. Jake pushed in two fingers, scooping up cum like a treat for himself, bringing them to his mouth. Quaritch stared at him. He licked them clean before he could change his mind, savoring the taste, the texture.

“You missed it?” I did.

“It doesn’t taste that bad.”

Quaritch gathered some more of his own fingers, bringing them back to Jake’s lips. Slick and cum mixed together, sherbet and honey.

“Keep doing that and I might take you for round two.”

Jake laughed, a genuine laugh, and he cursed himself for it. You’re supposed to hate him. He licked the demon’s middle finger, then sucked it all the way to the knuckles, finishing off with a loud pop.

“This could work.” He said licking off his lips.

“What could?”

“The fucking.” You’re insane. He turned you insane.

“Mm, I can give you this every day, keep you stretched and full of my seed.” A kiss on his temple. “I just want you to take care of what’s mine.” A soft kiss on his belly, but that one burned and made him sick. He pulled Jake over his lap, holding him just as tight as he did at the Tree of Souls. Tails intertwined. Hand in hand. Warm hand over his navel. Sensory overload.

“I don’t want to hear what you said in that forest ever again.”

“Don’t give me reasons, Miles, and you won’t.” The demon growled.

“Don’t make me take all this way, Jake, cuz I will. We’re not fully bonded, you still got that lost gaze in your eyes.” He tried to get himself free from the grip, but the demon didn’t budge. “It would be a shame to stop all of a sudden, to let you suffer…” Threats, threats and more threats, that all you fucking know. Always demanding. Always in need to have the last word.

“Please…don’t.”

“You force my hand, Jake, with every act of rebellion. You push me to be like him.” He spun Jake around, forcing him to look in the demon’s eyes. Burning comets. “You want me to fuck you, to take care of you, to not leave you, then be good. Can you do that?”

Jake knew what it meant. He was sure the demon saw everything, all his secrets, fears and traumas. He left him again with no alternatives. He needed the bond for both himself and Neytiri. He needed the sex to clear his mind, to dig back down into the core of his subconscious the hurtful memories of his childhood. His body needed the demon, his scent, the closeness, the fake safety feeling it provided. He couldn’t take it anymore, not alone, that sphere in his soul filled with endless fear, pain and uncomprehending emotions for the demon.

He bit his lip and frantically nodded his head.

“Words, Jake.”

“I can be good. I will be good, Miles.” Supernova, death of a star. Nuclear fusion in his pupil.

“I think it’s the first time I actually believe you.” He moved Jake aside, leaving one last kiss on the corner of his mouth. “Get up. I need to clean this mess.”

“Can I go to the bathroom?”

“Yeah, but the door stays open.”

He dragged his feet to the bathroom, holding on to the walls. With every step he was reminded by the discomfort of how intensely they'd fucked each other. He turned on the shower and dropped to his knees under the warm water spray over his tense body. He placed his hand over his stomach again, remembering his dream, trying for the last time that day to feel a connection with the fetus. Nothing. It felt like it wasn’t even there. He let out small whispers covered by the sound of splashing water, with the palms of his hands joined together.

“I’m sorry I can’t find in myself to feel you, tolerate you…love you. I don’t think I’ll ever will. Forgive me.”

Forgive me.

Chapter Text

Plates and cutlery, breakfast on the run and a slight pain every time he sat down. Tommy was stirring around him preparing an omelette. Jake just wanted to run faster back to base, but his brother had insisted on eating something substantial first. There was a slight tension in the room, but the hangover left by the beer bottles didn't let Jake notice that.

"What time did you arrive yesterday? I didn't hear you come in."

Tommy shrugged, concentrating on cooking.

“Late.”

Jake fidgeted in his chair, tapping his fingers nervously on the edge of the table. The omelette was slammed in front of him. There was a worried look on his brother’s face. Either bad news or a lecture was coming, Jake could feel it.

"Did you bring anyone home last night, little brother?"

"I had a few beers with Oliver, you know, the preselection guy."

Tommy was playing with his fork, moving the food from side to side. Images from the previous night filled Jake's mind and he put the pieces together.

"If you heard anything, I am sincerely sorry. We kind of got carried away."

"I don't care about that, Jake."

"Then?"

"This guy, Oliver..." a long inhale. "Did he hurt you somehow?"

Fire alarms. He couldn't talk about this with Tommy.

"No, God. Look, again, I'm really sorry for whatever you heard. I won't bring anyone else-"

"Jake, I heard you ask him to hit you."

The silence in the room. The pain radiating from his body. Shame and panic. Shame and panic.

"Tommy, you know how it is… damn it brother, don't make me tell you about that stuff."

"Oh, believe me, I wouldn't be talking about this if I wasn't worried. Jake you were screaming in pain.” Tension and legs ready to run away from there. "Is this thing... somehow related to dad?" The last drop in a glass that was too small anyway.

Jake stormed to his feet, rushing to his room and grabbing his bag.

"It's not what it seems and it has nothing to do with him." Tommy followed him.

"Jake, you don't have to be ashamed but I want to know if maybe you should talk to someone."

"Tommy, stop it, I don't want to have this discussion-"

“Can you at least tell me why? Why do you do that?”

“Because right now that’s the only way I can-“

"-only way I can forget."

He wasn’t in the apartment, he was still in the shack, sitting on the toilet with his hands and legs wet from water. He forgot why he was there. Right, to clean up the mess between his legs. They were fucking like rabbits for the last four days, anywhere, on any surface, at any time the other had it in him. Honeymoon period. It was easier to cope that way. Physically he was feeling a little better, less hazy, less tired, his appetite returned a little bit, but his mental state was still a mess. He would find himself once or twice a day trapped in those old memories, in the flashes of memories that would alter his perception of his surroundings. Or at least, that’s how many times the demon had told him they had happened, and Jake was sure he was lying. Sometimes he was aware of it. They didn’t bond every-time and there were to many gaps in his mind. One moment they we’re fucking in the bathroom and then he blinked and they were at the table eating something for dinner, with Quaritch telling him he just ‘passed out’ from tiredness. But if the demon didn’t want to talk about them, neither did Jake. It was hard enough to know that Quaritch could rummage around his brain any time he pleased.

He went back into the bedroom. He needed to get his mind cleared. It was time for extreme actions.

Jake was actually happy that the demon preferred to sleep naked most of the time, it made things easier. He positioned himself between the demon’s legs, nudging him a little to wake him up. Blanket pulled away. Kneeling, prayer for salvation. Tongue over the demon’s shaft, kiss on the tip. Be good and he’ll be good to you too. He took it in his mouth, sucking and licking at the tip, savoring the taste of the forming pre-cum.

“Mm, good morning to you too, princess.”

Jake kept sucking, using his four fingers to stroke the length he couldn’t take. Quaritch was moaning above him, letting his hands rest on top of Jake’s head. He wasn’t pushing him that time. He let Jake have full control but the memories kept his patience thin. He picked up speed.

“Slow down, princess. Dick ain’t goin’ anywhere. Fuck- like that.” Make him happy.

He took away one finger at the time, forcing himself to take down more of the big cock. He’ll give you what you want if you do it good. Throb in the back of his throat. Stretched mouth. Gag reflex gone. He kept swallowing around it, moaning every time it went further down his throat. Before he knew it, his mouth was filled with sweet cum. A small trickle escaped from the corner of his mouth. Quaritch wiped everything on his finger and pushed it back in, past his lips. Sweet morning snack.

‘That’s it. Don’t waste any.’

“-waste my time with your stupid fucking questions.” Hard slap on his shoulder, over old bruises. “Which one are you anyway?” Hidden sniffles. “Jake, dad.” F word out of a whiskey kissed mouth. “Don’t tell her, you hear me? This is how I get the man out of you, boy. You’re too soft. Do you hear-”

“-you hear me, Jake?” Shit. What did he say?

“Yeah, loud and clear.” An unconvinced look. Comets burning in the depth of his soul. 

“Well then?”

He didn’t know what he was supposed to say or do, so he just shifted uncomfortably from one knee to the other.

“You went away again, didn’t you?”

The way the demon said it, the way he looked at Jake, with pity, made him feel some sort of shame and fear. He knew that Quaritch wouldn’t hurt him, especially now that there was life growing inside him, but knowing that he was so vulnerable for a few minutes in front of the demon didn’t sit exactly right with him. He could do anything to you and you wouldn't even know it. But there was a fucked up thrill in his mind about it too. 

“How do I act when it happens?”

Quaritch grabbed his chin, tugging at him to look straight into the demon’s eyes.

“It looks like you’re thinking, until I notice that you just stare into nothing. You call out for people. You mumble sometimes.”

“-sometimes I wish we could just wake up and be on one of those planets. Mom likes Saturn.”

“I like that dream too, but it’s never gonna happen.”

“-happen again so fast. Jake!” Soft hands on his face. Quaritch grabbed his kuru, ready to connect them again, but Jake stopped him at the last second.

“Wait. Before we do that, do you think you can- you can do that thing we talked about?”

 Quaritch knew what he wanted. He got up and left Jake alone for a few minutes. They fought over the matter the night prior, the demon arguing that Jake was still too weak or that he could hurt himself. In reality, the demon was scared for the child, but Jake didn’t really care. He stopped wishing for it to just miraculously die, or disappear, yet it was better to put away the thought that it was there, just under his skin. He wanted to pretend, at least for the time he got left before he would start to show. 

The sound of metal hitting on metal. Heavy footsteps. Deep breaths. The smell of leather.

“Remember, you asked for this.”

The demon sat on the bed behind Jake, pulling him into his lap. He tied Jake’s legs with the belt, low enough so he could still pull his knees apart. His hands were cuffed behind the demon’s waist. He couldn’t get away. Kurus connected, electricity running through their veins. One hand hovering over his cunt, the other over his face. Soft lips brushing over his shoulder.

“If I say stop, we stop, for good. Got it, boy?”

“Yes, sir." Answered Jake impatiently. "What you say goes.”

He left wet kisses on his shoulder while slowly rubbing his sensitive clit. He felt long, sharp fangs scraping at his skin. The demon covered his fingers in slick that was pouring out of his burning cunt. Jake just wanted those fingers shoved deep inside him. Four days of doing this, and Quaritch already knew how to turn him into a moaning mess, playing him like the keys of a piano.

Up and down against his folds, over his sensitive clit, just the right amount of pressure, little circles and he felt tears from all the stimulation. Palm over mouth, a tease of what was to come. 

The demon’s nail ran over his swollen clit, and Jake let out a muffled cry, trying to get away, but there was nowhere to go. He was left at Quaritch’s mercy. 

“Come on, kitten, last big breath.”

He took it, until his lungs burned a little from being too full and then, he couldn’t let it out. Palm over his mouth and nose. Padded muzzle. Two fingers prodding forcefully inside his tight walls. Split second panic.

“You want to breathe, you come first, princess.”

Quaritch found his spot, abusing the bundle of nerves. In and out. In and out. Pressure over his soft meat and face. He tried to stay quiet, to save air, but it was harder and harder to do so. Long fingers railing him deep, the slight air burst let out in the demon’s palm, white and yellow lights when he closed his eyes. He felt a third finger being pushed in and he tugged at his restraints, digging the metal in the demon’s back.

“Come for me, Jake. Come on. Be good for me.”

Thrust upon thrust. Blank mind. No air. He felt it coming, that sweet pleasure rapidly rising inside the pits of his belly. His cunt was milking the demon’s fingers. His body spasmed for air and he moved his head from side to side to get away, but the hand just tightened its hold. Soft whispers of numbers coming from Quaritch.

“Come on, kitten. Stop fighting. You’re not breathing until you come.”

Hips raised, pleasure chased. Squelching sounds reverberating in the room. The demon’s fangs over his throat.

“Come.”

Shuttering spasm between his legs and he trapped the demon’s fingers inside, his cunt throbbing and clenching like crazy. Big gulp of fresh air and he couldn’t stop coming. Spasm after spasm. It felt like heaven. Best orgasm he ever had. Clarity of mind. Shared blissfulness through the bond.

“Where the fuck did you learn to do that?” he asked panting.

“I’ve got my secrets. Too bad your dick ain’t working, it would’ve been even more fun.” Long kiss on his temple. Cuffs gone. Belt gone. He collapsed on the demon body with his head on his chest. Calming heartbeats. My mate. Quaritch caught that through the bond and he held Jake tighter. A strange wave of affection intruding both of their minds like an invisible soft blanket. I don’t want this to end. But as anything else good in his life, that moment had to be broken too.

“I’ve seen something at the end, an image that kept repeating, a memory of-”

“I don’t want to talk about anything that you’ve seen in my head.” Jake broke the connection, grabbing his own kuru and holding it close to his chest. Soft affectionate blanket gone. Safety of mind recovered. Fear in his bones. Don’t get mad.

Quaritch took his hand and placed it over his stomach. 

“What about this? We can make a scan today.”

“NO! I feel fine, I don’t need one. You said I can walk outside today.”

Jake abruptly got up, making his way to the bathroom to wash off. Quaritch tried to convince him every time after sex, when Jake's mind was malleable and cloudy, but every time Jake refused him. He didn't need confirmation that the fetus was there. He could live very well without ever having to see or hear the thing that would forever bind him to the demon. In the last few days he had been thinking more and more about his mother, shivers down his spine from the idea that maybe she was as afraid as he was when she found out she was pregnant.

He took a cold shower to wake up his mind and body. Quaritch was waiting for him with clothes spread out on the bed, a pair of cargo pants and a military jacket. The air outside was getting colder with each passing day, and the demon had insisted that Jake dress warmly. He wanted to be able to put the current Quaritch in the same room as the Quaritch who had kidnapped him three months ago. The situation would have ended with laughter or blood. Always an extreme of things. Never a middle ground. 

Pistol on belt. Sick closeness. Possessive scents mixing in the cramped space. They walked out holding hands. Pure madness. Quaritch stretched his muscles, did some physical exercises, some push-ups, not taking his eyes off Jake even for a second. Jake did his routine. He walked around the demon in circles. He felt like a dog looking for the right place to take a piss. One lap, two, five, seven, until he stopped in front of the demon. A drop of water touched his arm. Cold. Tears coming down from above. Jake stretched out his arm to feel them on his skin. It was raining lightly and he didn't think that such a small thing would bring so much joy to his soul.

“Let’s get you inside.” Beg him nicely, lick his feet.

“No, please. Five more minutes. Please.” 

He pulled the demon into the grass and they both lay on their backs with their eyes directed towards the gray sky. Deja vu. Two boys alone in the world, pieces of marble, unspoken feelings, rain of shooting stars over a dome burning with suffering.

 Jake raised his palms to the sky, collecting the water into them, some dripping down to his elbows. His clothes clung to his body, the smell of the demon encapsulated between the layers. 

“I used to do this." With my brother. "With the kids, when they were still young enough to enjoy this game. Whoever collected the most water in their hands won. Spider used to love this game, he and Kiri would always compete." 

Quaritch said nothing, probably caught up in his own thoughts. Jake felt suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Every drop that fell on his face brought a new one. He lowered his hands and dug his fingers into the soft and wet earth. 

“All I wanted to do was protect them. That's it. I didn't want them to grow up like this, in a world captured by war, in constant fear that humans would come back and destroy everything they knew. I didn't want them to have the life I had. And look at me, I failed them." 

The rain and his tears were no different. Tears, he'd had enough of them but he didn't know how to stop. 

"I held my boy's hand while life was draining from him and I had to lie to him that everything will be fine, that we'll return home." Voice broken by mucus and drops of water. The suffering of a helpless father.

“I had only one thing to do, one... that's the role of a father, and I wasn't able to do that for them.” Just like he failed you and Tommy. Hereditary curse. “No parent should ever have to watch their child die… I'll never forget her scream."

“Neteyam! Neteyam! No, Great Mother. My son! Not my son!” 

A light touch of a finger over his. Comets burning that sought his gaze. Memory gap. The pressure of a squeeze. The demon had drawn himself closer to him. Jake wiped away his tears.

“Sorry. You’re probably the last person who would want to hear-“

“I’m sorry.” Pandora stopped spinning on its axis for one single second. “I’m sorry your son had to die.” 

He turned his head and read the sincerity in the demon's eyes. They stayed like that, with shallow breaths, looking at each other, and there was something new in the air, a tension that hadn't existed between them until then. Quaritch ran his hand through Jake's damp hair, pushing aside a few strands stuck to his forehead. Supernova, explosion of color, stardust shimmering in big black holes. Heart pumping too much blood. Old hummingbird wings. Two comets, different origins, finally colliding into themselves, implosion of atoms. Cold blue lips, touch of the gods, eternal immortal kiss.

They pulled back, and Jake's heart stopped. He'd done it, he'd kissed the demon first, because he purely felt the need to do so. Warmth in the soul. The heat between his legs. Desire. No, it wasn't that. Something else, something he didn't want to admit. Fear, fear, fear. Warm palm on his check, caressing his skin.

“Ma muntxatan… I think I-“

“I’m cold, Miles. Let’s go back inside.” Spark gone. Masks back on.

Inside, they both changed from the soaked clothes. Quaritch dried him with a towel, taking advantage of the moment to run his fingers for the millionth time in those four days over Jake’s belly. It had become an obsession for him and every time he did it, Jake would remain as numb as a statue.

They didn't stay alone for long. The sound of ikran wings enveloped the familiar silence around them. Lyle had returned with supplies. He had stopped by a couple of times, quickly, to consult with Quaritch about what they had to do about Ardmore. Apparently, the whole base had been impressed by the successful pictures of the colonel's 'capture'. Everyone had celebrated that the insurgent leader had been tamed. They believed that with a little luck and a slight push from behind, they will increase once more the number of avatars ready to give their lives for humanity.

Lyle stormed in. 

“Boss, you owe me for life. I had to bribe five people for this shit." Black, small box in his hands. “ It would've been easier to bring a hot iron, more efficient too.”

Quaritch yanked the box from him and opened it, being careful not to let Jake see its contents.

“This will do. What about the other stuff?”

“Everything’s in the backpack.”

Quaritch took the massive backpack from Lyle, throwing it over the shoulder, fixing the straps well. Cold bucket of water. Horrifying realization.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“I have some business to attend to. Lyle will keep an eye on you, princess.”

“You’re leaving me with him?!”

“Ouch, Sully don’t get so excited, you might give me a boner.” 

Quaritch gave his friend a harsh look. 

“I expect you to behave, Jake. Lyle, make sure he eats something.” Stern voice. No place for arguing. To Jake, it felt like a punishment.

The demon was gone in a blink of an eye. Jake stayed like a deer in the headlights. The scar left by his hand on Lyle's neck looked like neon signs, impossible to ignore, flames for moths. Without Quaritch there, anything could happen.

“This hole place reeks of your fucking cunt, Sully. Guess you’re finally doing the only thing you’re good at.”

Lyle forcefully grabbed his arm and pulled him to the table. He tied his hands tightly with the handcuffs attached to the metal bar under it. He hadn't missed the way the metal bit into the scarred flesh around his wrists. Carton food box slammed under his nose. Sharp claws at the back of head, tugging once at his kuru. Tremble of his own hands.

“Eat.” Same commanding tone as his superior. He looked at the food and swallowed down the forming knot in his throat. 

“Bet I can find a feeding tube around here…”

He ate, held his breath and forced himself to chew and swallow what was there. He would've been better off eating gravel. Lyle took out a pocket knife from his pants and a lighter. He played, throwing them in the air and catching them back between his fingers. Jake shrunk in his chair, but under that layer of fear, a ton of questions were floating in his brain.

“Why do you help him with this?” Lighter up, knife down, up, down, up.

“I’m sure you remember how ranks work.”

“So you’re forced to be here. It's duty.” Lyle laughed. Pocket knife pointing at Jake. Lighter left on the table.

“The only thing forced in here is his dick up your cunt. I see you’re still chatty, maybe there’s room for one more.”

Lyle took the other chair and sat in front of Jake, arm length distance between them. Too fucking close. 

“Me and him, we go way back. He saved my life twice back on Earth. I do things out of loyalty, loyalty. Need me to spill it out for you to get it, you fucking traitor?” Jake dropped his gaze to the ground. Don't look into the devil's eyes and you won't get burned.

“To me you’re nothing, less than dirt under my boot. The only thing that’s stopping me from ripping your guts out is that child you got in there. He lost enough in his old life, I ain’t letting him lose anything else in this one.”

“What- what was supposed to happen to me, initially?” Lyle let out a small laugh, and Jake caught the moment when the demon's tail raised in excitement.

“Shit, Sully. He never told you?"

“No.” Pocket knife left on the table. He breathed a sigh of relief.

“We were supposed to rebuild you, to bring back the RDA asset. Scrap at your little brain until you forgot who you were, until we could put a gun back in your hand and let you shot whatever fucking flinched. Our good boy Ja, the doc, gave us all the tips, where to punch, cut, how deep, enough so you’d still be usable. Nothing was pretty much off limits.” He put his hand over his crotch, over the barely visible bulge.

"What fucking stopped you?" Give me reasons to believe him.

"Besides our men being killed like flies..." Lyle spitted out. "...the Colonel changed his mind. Finish eating!” But Jake couldn’t. He felt like throwing up. He pushed aside the box. Lyle noticed how much was still left. He grabbed back the knife.

“Is that so?… Put your hands on the table, palms up.” Fuck. Jake moved in slow motion. His palms were sweaty. He could feel the fog creeping back from the depths of his subconscious. Lyle moved behind him. Dead flowers scent filling up his nostrils. The blade ghosted over his right arm.

“I never got payback for the shit you pulled that day.’" Lyle's scar. Fog. White spots on his retina. Not now. Not with him.

"Miles beat me for it.”

“Miles?! Shit. We go by first names now?” Slap over his head, shaking his brain.

Hit behind his ear. Mom was still at work. Tommy was either doing his homework, hidden on the roof, or at the neighbors’ place. He was alone with him.

“It’s all her fault. She goes around telling anyone that I’m the problem, but she never fucking takes a look in the mirror.” Slurp of gold-brown poison. “ I was good enough when she knew I had a house, a car. I took her off the streets, boy, from that district filled with hookers. Whores.”

“Sully.” His name dragged on by a voice he didn’t recognize. “Get out of it.” He felt something sharp over his wrist. Lyle, it’s fucking Lyle. 

“Get away from me.”

“We ain’t done here.” Head pulled back. Tap over the check. “I’ll be nice, just like the Colonel, and I’ll give you choices. I either cut off that useless finger of yours or you blow me, and I put whatever is between us in the past. What do you say, you fucking rat?” Burn in hell.

“We’re mated. I ain’t laying a finger on you, you piece of shit.” Ear shuttering laugh in his ear.

“Mates… three months ago you would've poked each other's eyes out with spoons. Guess he cooked your brains real good. So, I assume it’s the finger then.”

“-cut my finger, mommy.”

“Oh, paper cut. I’ll go grab a band-aid and then we can kiss it better.”

Focus. Focus on something. Lyle was holding the blade over his finger. 

“If you hurt me, he won’t forgive you.”

“You’re sure about that?” 

Lyle held the chain of the handcuffs so that he couldn't move his hands from that position. 

They couldn't sleep afterwards. They stayed by their bedroom door, watching sorrowfully the blood drips on the floor, talking to keep each other alert, waiting to hear the front door open.

“It’s been five hours, Tommy. They should've returned by now.”

“Please, don’t do it.”

“Scared of losing a finger, you fucking traitor? Our men lost their lives, Sully…twice.”

“Someone knocked on the door.” 

“No, Jake, wait! Mom always has her keys on her. Wait!”

“I didn’t want it to happen. I would’ve brought them back if I could. I swear.”

“Aha… sure.” Pressure of blade over his meat and bone. Panic in the marrow of his bones. 

Red and blue lights flashing over and over. Blue uniforms. Blue skin in the break of dawn.

“What do you mean?” Repeated muffled voices. “ No, no. She said…” Panic. Fear. “Mom!” He ran down the street, past the police officers, as fast as his feet could take him. “Kid, get back here!” “Mommy!”

“Miles! Miles!” 

“Stop shouting!” Head hit by the corner of the table.

 Someone had grabbed him from behind.

 And he dug his nails into a strong arm, pulling with all his might to free himself.

He was flapping his legs like a fish on land, but he was not moving forward,

he was being dragged back. He could hear his own voice,

he could hear screams coming from his throat, his vision was blurred.

“Mommy!”

“Miles!”

 He was engulfed by a cold air that had brought the aroma of blood and raw meat. He blinked often. Something was shadowing his gaze. His forehead was touched, something warm was running down the right side of his face.

“I’m here, Jake.”

 The demon was in front of him, his eyes wide, scared. His hands were fumbling, trying to untie the handcuffs.

“What the fuck happened? I was gone for an hour, one fucking hour.” 

Jake looked around. Lyle was in his chair, stressed, with a bottle of water in front of him. There was no sign of the lighter or the pocket knife. He expected to see the table full of his own blood or to see his finger between Lyle's, like a trophy, but nothing of the sort had happened. But I felt something. He was about to do it. I know it. 

"He went crazy. I gave him something to eat and he made a whole scene. He thought that if you're not here he can do whatever he wants. Why do you think I put handcuffs on him? Look what he did to himself." 

“He's lying. I didn't do anything. He wanted to take revenge on me."

“Nice lie, Sully. Try better next time.”

Quaritch looked between the two of them, a deep frown plastered on his face.

“Miles…”

“He asked about you and me, why I’m loyal to you boss. Guess he can’t handle honesty. That triggered him off.” One lie and one half truth, you piece of shit.

“Miles, I’m telling you the truth. He-he made me fucking choose, either suck him or lose my finger.”

“You thought all that by yourself, buttercup??”

“He threatened me. He smashed my head into the table. Miles, please, believe me.”

“Yeah I did that… in his fucking imagination. Five minutes after I tied him, he went back in his head, like the day we took him to the Tree.”

“No, I-I… maybe, but it was only for a fraction of time.” They went back and forth a few more times, until Quaritch had enough of it, slamming his fist over the table.

“Shut it, Jake. Lyle, see to the animal outside, skin it, cut it nicely. We’re having steak tonight.”

A nod, a ‘yes sir’, a smirk towards Jake, and he was gone again.

“You, bedroom, now! Don’t make me repeat myself.”

He was amazed even though he shouldn't been. Of course the demon would believe his dog over him. On the way to the bedroom he thought about everything Quaritch could've done to him for this. Regardless of what the demon had planned, Jake was determined to use his new weapon, his personal shield, even though his conscience told him it was a bad thing to do. Quaritch had cornered him, his presence dominating Jake's submissive side. He moved backwards until he hit the edge of the bed.

“Last chance to tell me the truth.” Jake tried to hold the demon’s hand, but Quaritch just stepped back.

“I did. But I'm not gonna humiliate myself for you to believe me. Either you do or you don't.“

“To believe means to trust, princess, and I still don’t trust you.”

“Not even after everything I willingly did with you?”

“Especially for that reason… give me your kuru.” 

He gave his braid with joy knowing that this is how Lyle's lie will come out. Tendrils connecting with tendrils. Vibrant electricity. Waves of feelings hurled at him. He focused on conveying exactly what had happened, what he'd felt, but the pieces of memories mixed with reality. It was no longer a linear narrative thread, but an overwhelming tornado of memories that he wanted to forget with all his heart. He saw Lyle's knife, the police car, the blade over his finger, Tommy pulling his hand to keep him from running away. He felt Lyle's weight on his back, the policeman's strength as he held him in place, the fear of physical pain, the fear of never seeing his mother again.

“You’ve seen it for yourself. If you still don’t believe me, then punish me.” Beat me until I forget it all over again. Shared thoughts, shared mind. Wave of anger.

“That’s why you keep asking me to hit you?” Wave of shame. Tell the truth. Win him by your side.

“It helps me put everything in a box, to bury it away.” A sigh. “ Remember the first time you ‘helped’ me, when I woke up crying from a nightmare? I asked you to punch me. It was for the same reason. Pain makes me forget.” Wave of mixed feelings, hurricane, bomb. Burning comets seeking to soothe.

“And I remember telling you that I can do that without pain.” The distance between them disappeared, skin on skin, constellations on constellations.

“Do you believe me, about Lyle?” Head tilted, scorching kiss on tender flesh.

“I believe both of you.” Of course you do…

 Quaritch lifted him by the hips and he wrapped his legs around the demon's slim waist. It still didn't seem fair to him how young and strong the demon was compared to him. He had to remind himself every time that the reality was different. Quaritch buried him in sweet kisses again, but Jake didn't feel he deserved it. He longed only for pain, for a strong and stinging slap.

“Hit me, Miles. I know you hate me, I know you still want to hurt me.” 

He was ignored. His hands were held above his head. The demon's lips caressed his skin in their passage. A hand slowly went down to his core, tenderly, carefully. That was not the usual beginning of their sex parties, it was too sacred, too affectionate. Jake pulled his hands from the grip and stopped Quaritch. 

"If you're not gonna give me what I want, then stop." The demon tried to kiss him again but he was met with sharp claws into his chest.

“Stop.” One last push, one last dig until blood was drawn.

“I don’t fucking want you like that. Stop!”

“I’m trying to be nice and you want me to treat you like a punching bag?”

“Yes! You didn’t have a problem with it this morning, or yesterday, or any other time since I’ve been here.”

“You’re pregnant.”

“Don’t give me that fucking excuse.” 

Quaritch took him in his arms, lifted his knees, and held him to his chest like a child. Hearts beating at the same time.

“What are you doing?”

“Calming you down. You’ve bombarded my brain with your shit.”

“Break the connection.”

“You need it.” 

They stayed like that, like two pieces of a puzzle, until Jake thought he could fall asleep in that position. His mind cleared, all negative thoughts and horrible memories disappeared. He was surprised when he realized that he was thinking about his dreams, the pleasant and beautiful ones, with the forest, with the inevitable atokirina, with him and Quaritch happy. He felt so guilty that those things seemed wonderful to him, that he had begun to want them, and he didn't know how much of it was caused by his mind and how much of the fact that Miles was his mate. After a little while, Quaritch disconnected their kurus, took Jake's hand and they returned to the large room of the shack. 

"I have something for you." The black box brought by Lyle made its appearance. Inside was a strip of black leather, about three fingers thick, with a strange buckle at the ends. "I promised you I'd put one around your neck, princess."

"Let me guess, you're the only one who can unlock it... What if I don't want to wear it?"

“You'll do it because you don't want to upset me." Quritch pulled it out of the box. "Because you want to be good for me." A soft kiss on his neck, touch of the man that ruled his life, a touch that left him fucked up, struck by thunders. "And because the door is right there." The door is right there. “Don’t leave me.” He felt tears in his eyes. The leather strap closed tightly around his neck. What else did you expect, you idiot? “I’ll break you, Jake.” “Embrace my gift.” He ran his finger over the strap and turned around to see Quaritch devouring him with his eyes. He's obsessed with you. And then a realization hit him, a memory brought back like a current of electricity. He had to know.

“Miles, what did Eywa show you at the Tree?”

Chapter Text

“Miles, what did Eywa showed you at the Tree?”

Jake wanted to turn to face him, but the demon held him in place by the shoulders.

“Why do you want to know?”

“I thought it would be better to ask than look through the bond myself.”

“There's nothing to see, it was a bunch of nonsense.” But from his tone it was clearly not the case. Push him.

“You would be dead now if I hadn’t pulled you out of the way of that arrow. I won’t ask you for a ‘thank you’, I’m just curios of what you’ve seen.” You liar. You always lie.

Quaritch held the collar with a little pressure. If he'd pulled hard enough on it, given how thick and wide the strap was, he could've broken his neck. Jake leaned back, rubbing against the demon, releasing the pressure around his neck.

“Maybe you should’ve let it hit me.” Yeah, maybe… “Why didn’t you?” I… don’t know.

“I don’t wanna fight with you. I just asked a question.”

“We’re not fighting .” Pressure back on his neck, flicker of the tail. “We’re just asking each other idiotic questions.”

Jake tried to turn again and the demon let him. Hands together. Interlaced fingers. An almost flat belly covered by the warmth of two lost souls. Quaritch dropped to one knee and placed his forehead over the life-giving place. Jake shuddered inside seeing how vulnerable the demon became when it came to the fetus. He, however, remained as cold and indifferent. He saw himself so detached and wondered if the two of them hadn't switched places overnight, if he was now the monster. He pressed Quaritch's hands against his skin, wanting to feel something, anything.

“Eywa shows you what you need to see. Maybe it was something useful.” The demon raised his head and for a moment Jake was concerned about what he saw in the burning comets that seemed to lose their luster.

“I saw only one thing… Pain.” She shows us what we deserve.

They pulled apart.

Jake was glad to hear that. If anyone could really change anything in Quaritch, it was Eywa. He had never really known Quaritch, there hadn't been enough time to learn more about who he was in the past, but human Quaritch certainly hadn't shown that side of himself to anyone. Or maybe he'd done it with one person. Jake really didn't want to think about her, about Paz, but it was getting harder and harder not to wonder if the demon didn't saw Jake as a replacement for what had been lost.

“You don’t have to pretend that you care, princess. I know you don’t. You pretend enough when I fuck you. Come on, hop on the table. Vitamins time.”

Jake sat down on the surgical table, his arm outstretched. He thought about whether to answer the demon or not, he thought carefully about what was the best thing to do in all that madness. He needed to have Quaritch on his side, especially since he now had a new fear to worry about. Lyle. At the end of the day, it was true, his friendship with Lyle held more weight than perhaps what had been blooming between him and the demon. And if Lyle continued to fill the demon's mind with lies and resentment, the situation could have ended badly.

On top of all that, Jake also thought about what his future meant. He was now bound to Quaritch in front of Eywa. In the natural way of things they were seen as a couple. The nature of the situation pushed Jake to want him, to be close to him, to get along. If he continued to resist, a miserable life would follow. Even if someone tried to save him, nothing could be changed. He had promised the demon anyway that he would stay with him as long as his family wasn't harmed. The demon had lied once, he could do it again, but Jake couldn't afford any more mistakes. You need to stop thinking about them all the time. He and the growing little monster will be your new family, and you have to come to terms with the thought once and for all.

IV bag, needle in arm, busted vain, cold liquid rushing in.

“I don’t pretend. The last few days… I- I liked what we did.”

“You forget that we share thoughts now, Jake. Want me to tell you what pops into my head half the time from you? Take a guess.” He shifted on the cold table. He knew exactly what he meant.

“That was before we bonded.”

“Oh, really? So you don’t feel raped anymore, ha?” Jake raised his feet on the table, hiding himself behind his knees. “It’s not like you are the one asking for it more than half the time. ‘Fuck me, Miles. Fuck my brains out. Fuck me until I forget.'… It’s good only when it helps you.”

“Put yourself in my place for one fucking second.” Jake answered with his head buried between his knees. He couldn’t look Quaritch in the eyes. “How was I supposed to feel about the man that wanted me dead, that kidnapped me, that tortured me…”

“Torture?! Big word there, princess. You might wanna reconsider using it. If I were to do that, you wouldn’t even know your name now.”

“Fine! Fine. I really don’t wanna fight with you, Miles, ok? I’m sorry I said anything.” A hand on top of his hair, fingers running through the strands, and his head was lifted up.

“You’re scared I’ll cut off the dick supply?” Jake tried to lower his head back but the hold on his hair was firm.

“No, I just- yes, I asked for it, ok? And it felt good. Can we drop it?”

“See, that right there, is exactly why I don’t trust you. I know what you think Jake, and it doesn’t match with how you act and what you say.” Same goes for you.

“You don’t know me, Miles. You know nothing.”

“I’ve got pretty deep in that brain of yours. There’s some bad shit in there, but some interesting things too.”

“I told you, I don’t want to talk-“

“You liked me, the human version of myself.” Shame. Shame. Shame. “You liked that I looked like the exact opposite of your old man, just like you liked the others you messed around with.” He bit his lip and closed his eyes. He didn’t need to hear all that. He knew his mind was fucked up enough without having the demon spilling it all out. “You fooled around with all those pretty girls, but at the end of the day you craved something else, someone who had control, someone stronger, someone to make you feel safe, yet someone who'd barely give you attention, just like he did. You wanted someone who was like him but not enough to put you off… It’s a strange mix in there not gonna lie.” First time hearing it out loud. First time wishing he could just melt away into the ground.

“Shut up! You don’t know shit.”

“You went with the bitch because she reminded you of “mommy”. All your life you tried to replace them in a way.”

“You’re wrong…”

“Am I? It’s all in your head, boy.”

“It’s not true.”

“So you lie to yourself? Then what’s the truth?”

“I… This is not- I know what I know.”

“Yeah? Well tell me, what really happened in that house of yours?”

“Get back here, boy! I’ll beat the shit out of you two. Tom!... Jake! I know you did it! Fucking whore… teach them to hide my stuff… I’ll beat her too if you don’t come out right now!”

There were tears on his face. Quaritch was wiping them away.

“Do you remember why they fought that night, on the night of the accident?”

Tip toes in the middle of the night. Bloody nose. Purple bruises on his skin. Bang. Bang. Bang. A yell and broken glass.

“That day, he hit you so many times that you passed out. She probably saw you and she fought him for you. He hit her with the bottle… and I bet you know the rest. You always flood my mind with those memories.”

Deep sobs, knees tightly held with his arms. The demon hugged him, running his hand up and down Jake’s back. Kiss on the temple. Tears constantly wiped away by a soft hand.

“Shh, it’s alright. I got you. I’ll take care of you.” Kiss on his forehead, on his nose. “I won’t let anything bad happen to you, Jake. I’ll take care of you and my little baby you’ve got in there. Shh.”

Jake hugged him back, hiding his face in the crook of the demon’s neck, inhaling that calming scent. He wrapped himself around the demon, holding on to him with all his strength. He was crying, leaving snot all over the demon's shoulder. She sacrificed herself for us. She did everything for us. I'm not even half of what she was.

“You just need to be good, Jake. That’s how you help me to keep him away. That’s how you won’t make me angry, you won’t make me be like your old men. Come on, calm down. I’ve got you.” One last sob, heart upon heart, shattered soul. The door opened, heavy steps, Quaritch giving a short flicker of his wrist towards the door, footsteps leaving, cold air from outside.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t mean those things.” More sniffs, calming heartbeat.

“Come on, no more tears princess. How ‘bout we go outside and we have some of that steak I brought you.” One last sniff, quivering lip and red eyes.

“You went hunting?”

“Aha, bow and arrow and all that.” I need him. I need him. I need him.

“Sounds good.”

IV pulled out. Quaritch brought him his jacket and they went outside. The eclipse was approaching. Everything was shrouded in a purple hue. The ground was still wet from the rain and it felt a bit more chilly. Quaritch hunted a Yerik cub and Jake was honestly impressed to see it. Clean kill. And that gave away the Lyle's ability to get around with a knife. The demon had also started a fire, the meat was sliced on a pile of leaves. Lyle's hands were covered in blood, so much of it, such a vibrant color, and for a second Jake hesitated to take another step. Hands of a killer. Quaritch pushed him from behind. 

"Did you say the right words? Did you know them?"

Quaritch fidgeted for a moment, moving his attention from the slaughter to Jake.

"Spider mentioned them."

"But did you say them?"

"I'm not talking to my food, Jake."

"It's giving thanks for a life lost just so another may continue..." But what do you know about it... "Make sure you say them next time. And tell him to put out the fire when enough coals are gathered."

"Why don't you tell him yourself, princess?"

"He’s your subordinate, I am ‘less than dirt under his boot’. I have to gather some branches, teach you how to do it right. Can I?" Quaritch consider it, looking around. There was nothing out there, not even wind to disturb the silence of the forest. Too much silence.

“You can walk over there, but not a step further.”

He entered the thicket and looked for clean and thick branches. Activity, that's what was good for his psyche. He needed to get his mind off what had happened. So many years wasted trying to forget the truth and it was brought back to the surface in two sentences. The fog. White spots. He leaned against a tree trunk, rubbing his forehead lightly. He knew the legends, but he still didn't think it would take this long to recover from the sickness of the broken bond. He didn't want to imagine what Neytiri had been through. The children were probably so scared for her. With her sick, all the duties were probably passed to Lo’ak and Kiri. Stop thinking about them. They'll be fine. She'll be fine. They’re all better off without you.

“-without my rocket lamp. I can’t find it.” His brother was running around, searching everywhere. His skin burned under her touch.

“I’ll help you look for it, just need to patch Jake up.” Neutral tone. Soothing cream over old, dark bruises and fresh ones. Dead blue eyes.

“Mommy, are you mad at me?” Her fighting tears.

Everything in his arms had fallen at his feet. He could barely stand. His head ached, the same excruciating pain that split his skull in two. Pick them up and go to him. Go to him.

“Never at you, baby. Never.” Cold tone, robotic movements, same dance, same routine for wounds that seemed like they'd never heal.

“It was my fault though. Dad told me to wash the car and I didn’t. I was tired from school. I thought he'll just forget about it.”

“It’s not your job to do that! You’re twelve, he’s thirty two.” She wanted to say more. He wanted to never see her so upset again.

“It always happens, mom. It’s alright.” He tried to hug her but she pulled back.

“Don’t ever say that again. IT’S NOT ALRIGHT!” She had never screamed at him. “He won’t ever touch any of you again.” Things put back on the shelves. Murmurs just for herself. “… never… over my dead body… show him…”

He gathered the branches and hurried back before his mind wandered again. He was walking as if in a dream, dragging his numb legs. He saw himself in the woods, then back in his house, in the woods with Miles, in the small, cramped bedroom he shared with his brother. A few more steps and he would be right next to the demon, back to the safety he offered. He pulled Miles by the tank top to get his attention but when he turned, another face greeted him. Brown curls, green eyes, that beard, beer gut, the rough hands with which he dispensed justice, the constant smell of industrial oil and alcohol.

“Tommy, I really think I messed things up this time.” Blankets over their heads, improvised tent, shield for when the fights were about to start. “I shouldn’t have shown her.”

“She would’ve seen them eventually. And if they weren't arguing about that, they would’ve argued about something else. He's drunk, it always ends the same.”

“She screamed at me, and she had a look in her eyes… I’ve never seen her like that.” Rocket lamp turned on. Two brothers, two water drops starting to fight against the cruel world.

“I don’t understand why he drinks. He’s so nice sometimes… He bought us this lamp.”

“Mommy told him we like it.” Shuffles under the blanket, yellow light.

“He took us camping, bought us those comic books, started driving us to school, tells us jokes. He-“

“Why are you defending him?” Night lamp turned off. Blue light coming in from the window. The thirteenth day on the calendar.

“Because sometimes I just wished we were like everyone else, like Marco, and Danny and all our friends. I just want to have a dad.” Jake got up and ran to the door, making himself comfortable on the rug, placing his ear on the hard wood.

“I'd rather have only a mother if that meant we're all happy.”

“Jake… What are you even doing on the floor? We need to wake up early tomorrow.”

“I’m not sleeping, not until I hear she’s ok.”

“She’s not ok. She’s dead.” He whispered.

Someone was holding him in their lap. He couldn’t move his arms. Dead flowers scent.

“Easy there. I almost didn’t catch you, buttercup.”

The reddish coals were burning, Quaritch wrapped thin pieces of meat around the branches he had collected, three by three, placing them on the stones above the coals. Spider had probably taught him what to do. It was strange to see the demon moving and preparing food like a Na'vi.

Jake pulled out of Lyle's grip, putting as much distance between them as possible. He stood by the fire, legs crossed, tail tucked close to his body. The last rays of light had been swallowed by the vast horizon, replaced by the biofluorescent light of nature. Jake laid his head back. There were no stars in the sky that night. Quaritch handed him one of the already fried pieces, which Jake happily took. He had missed their food, not the semi-natural crap they produced at the base. 

They ate in a suffocating silence. You could cut all the tension out of the air with a knife. Jake carefully avoided looking at Lyle. Quaritch seemed to want to say something every few minutes, but always stopped after opening his mouth. It was crucial to stay calm and not give the demon more reason to believe his friend. He ate another bite and another until he was lying on his back in the grass from how full he felt.

"Boss, do you still have any drops from those bottles I brought?"

"There should be a whole bottle left." An open vest and an unwrapped package.

"Since when do you smoke, lieutenant?"

"Since I don't really care what happens to this body anymore."

"I'm gonna look for that bottle."

The two of them alone again. A whistle and Jake turned his head. Lyle had a lit cigarette between his lips, he was sitting in a tense position, as if he was ready to jump at Jake’s neck. He got up from where he sat on the grass and moved closer. He took a long drag of his cigarette, the ash falling on Jake's jacket. Jake wanted to put distance between the two of them, but found himself with Wainfleet's boot over his tail. He hissed in pain.

"You rushed to tell him what happened, didn't you?" The tip of the boot held his tail captive. "And you were a marine... You're a joke." Ash and spit next to his head. A bottle waved in the air, Lyle's leg moving away from him and the two friends were ready to relax for a bit. They pulled a log close to the fire, but Jake remained stuck where he was. Quaritch let him be, took a cigarette from Lyle and shared the bottle of whiskey between them.

“Three months of this and I feel like I aged twenty years.”

“Must be the pressure of parenthood. Never got the chance to say ‘congrats’ sir, so, hurrah to that!” They both laughed.

“I hope this time I’ll be present for the whole experience.”

“You will.” It felt wrong for Jake to listen to them talk.

“How’s Ardmore?”

“Still pissed. She wants to speak with you, face to face. She’s done waiting. Thinks we’re taking too long with this.” Bottle passed over. Faint smell of nicotine in the air.

“And about what I asked you?”

“North is safe, they heard names, but they’d never seen faces. At least that’s what our guys told me.” North. How far North?... That’s not good. Jake looked through his lashes at Quaritch. The demon sat with his elbows on his knees, shoulders slouched and the bottle in his hand. From the profile, if he used his imagination, he could pretend he was looking at a young warrior. Eywa sent me a sign from the first day, on that beach. She must see something in him, something I still can't see. She accepted him at the Tree, in her heart, with all his sins and mistakes.

“What are we doing, Miles?… If we go down this road we can never return on the human’s side. They’ll put us on the same traitors list like they did to him.”

“Do you think I don’t know that? But look at us. Say we win, then what? We’re still trapped in these bodies… The only things that matter to me now are Spider, Jake and that baby.” Spider, myself and the baby. “I won’t blame you if you want to go back.”

“Go back to what? If I go back they’ll make me put a bullet between your eyes… I made an oath, I’m with you till we die, for good.”

Jake stood up and slowly approached them. When he saw him, Quaritch pulled him into his lap and gave the bottle to Lyle, who leaned to the edge of the log so that Jake could stretch his legs between them.

"I hope you haven't come over for a drink, princess." The eyes of the lions on him. Not a fucking chance. I’ll never touch that poison again.

"No. I'm tired." He rested his head on the demon's chest and closed his eyes. Warm touches on his neck, around the collar, and he calmed down knowing he was safe. He remained silent and motionless, breathing lightly, as if he had fallen asleep. They stopped smoking and drinking. Although he couldn't see, Jake could still feel the tension between them. Lyle was the first to break the silence, his voice barely a whisper.

“If you could see yourself now… I still don’t fucking now how you got to this point.”

“It just happened.”

“I told you to be careful. I warned you that-... Do you see him as Paz?”

“That again. No.” A slight shuffle of the demon on the log. Lowered voices. “Paz is in the past, she was his. She was- I never loved her." Jake's heart skipped a beat. "She was kind, smart, feisty, she knew how to put her foot down, but she was just someone to keep my bed warm.” A long pause, hold breaths. “She didn’t like what we did here, we fought about it but orders were orders. Then she got pregnant and I barely saw her in those months. She gave birth and I stayed with her for ten minutes to take a picture... When her Samson crashed, I could still hear her in my comms crying for help, but I was just…”

“I’m sorry, Miles.”

“I ain’t letting that happen again.” Light touch on his hair. “Which is why I gotta ask, Lyle. What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“I can explain-“

“SHU- shut your fucking mouth! Do you know how you make me look in front of him, to have my right hand man lie directly in my face? And over what, kindergarten scuffle… You want payback, take it on me. I barely got him mentally in a place where things could work for both of us. Do you know what I have to go through every day? He’s driving me insane. Sometimes I want to just let that fucking door open and fly as far as I can, from everything.” Dead flower scent coming closer, his feet were now touching Lyle’s pants.

“Yeah, cause it would be easier to forget. You can do it, but I can’t. Mansk, Prager, Z, all of them, all rotting at the bottom of the sea, food for fish, while he lives and breathes like their lives meant nothing.” Alcohol scent, déja-vu. ”It always ends the same.”

“I regret it too, this entire place is a constant reminder of them, but what do you want me to do? Bring them back the third time? I can’t!” Quaritch wrapped his arm around him.

“You got plenty of options, Miles. Wanna hear one? You could wait until the kid pops out and then get rid of him, let him fucking drown somewhere.” Tighter hold over his waist. A faint growl past the demon’s lips.

“It ain’t gonna happen!”

“Yeah… cause you fucking fell in love with him or some shit.” Fell in love with him. Fell in love. Love. Not that word. Never that word. Say you don’t mean it. Say you hate my guts.

“It’s not- I don’t know what this is but I can’t control it.”

“Whatever it is, it’s gotten worse since you bonded. That night was the cherry on top of this shit show. But nothing changes the fact that we are in DEEP FU-fucking shit because of him. One man, hundreds dead. One man, every operation compromised. ”

“You can’t blame it all on him.” Bottle thrown in the distance. Glass broken on tree bark.

“You can’t be fucking serious. You’re defending him now?!”

“Keep your voice down, you’ll wake him up.”

“I don’t give a single shit about him. And whatever juju voodoo magic bullshit you encountered in the forest, clearly did a number on you.” Nails dug in his skin, Quaritch’s hand trembling.

“Spider was right, there’s something on this planet, Lyle, something bigger than you and me.”

“There’s nothing here we can’t handle.”

“You say that cause you-…” Jake heard a sniff. “That tree in the forest showed me some things I’ve never wished to see.” A drop of water fell on Jake’s check. A tear. “I can’t even describe half of it. It was beautiful at first, like one of those DMT trips, but then all I could see was fire. Earth, burning. Pandora, burning. All life gone. I’ve seen you, I’ve seen our men, bullets in your chests, swollen faces, maggots coming out of those wounds. Spider was in my arms, dead. Dead, Lyle. A pile of machine guns and bows at my feet. I’ve seen Jake’s boy, the one who’s still alive, crawling his way towards me crying, screaming ‘Sempu!’ and I thought I’d see Jake somewhere, but that kid came to me, burnt, bleeding. He died before he could reach me.” Jake tightened his hold over the demon’s shirt but he didn’t noticed. “I’ve seen my sister. I’ve seen Helena pierced by hundreds of arrows and every time one hit her, she blamed me. Pain on top of pain. The last thing I remember is that I saw him, with the baby in his arms. The fire was about to wipe them too and I got this thought Lyle, I told her in my mind that I would do anything to keep them alive.” Rainfall of tears. “It felt too fucking real, Lyle. Too fucking real.”

He didn’t have to say more out loud, the words were there, the pain was there. He has a heart. Jake didn't know what to feel about everything he heard. It was an avalanche of information. He didn't think that Eywa could be so harsh, but inside him, even though the images were grotesque, he was glad that she showed the demon how it would all end. That was their fate if they continued that war. He hadn't known that the demon had a sister, or maybe he still did. But he was most amazed by the fact that the vision of the demon and his dreams were intertwined. Lo'ak had seen Quaritch as a father figure in the vision. Maybe his own dreams weren't just dreams either.

They were all stunned. Jake rolled into the demon's lap. He had really started to feel sleepy. Murmurs between the two demons, some sort of apology, bitterness still clinging to their voices, footsteps moving away and the sound of wings taking flight in the deathly silence of the night. He felt Quaritch's fingers barely touching his face, going down his neck, over his collar, until he reached Jake's heart. A whisper, a secret from the world’s ears, too quiet for even Jake to hear it.

Quaritch carried him back in his arms, and by the time they reached the bed, Jake had fallen asleep.

He was back at his parents' house, in the living room, Miles and Neytiri were hugging on the couch. Lo'ak was cradling a small child in his arms, who seemed either human or na'vi. They were waiting for someone, but no matter how many times he asked, no one told him who was coming. Something was wrong, the walls seemed to shrink, he had no air to breathe, a clock was ticking in his eardrums, a bomb ready to explode. Lo'ak was driving him crazy with the way he held the child. It was going to suffocate because of how tightly it was held by his brother's huge arms. Neytiri stared blankly, doll on the shelf. Miles had his hands all over her, on her breasts, between her legs, but Jake couldn't say anything. He tried to speak, but the words seemed to come out like water bubbles.

A knock on the door, two, three. Open door, car sirens, a policeman and his father. His head was split open, maggots were coming out of the cracked skull, his face crushed from the impact, his hands contorted at strange angles. "What are you doing Jake, don't you want to give daddy a hug?" Jake stepped back and wanted to take the child in his arms, to hide it, but Lo'ak was no longer there. When he looked at himself, he saw that he was pregnant. "Daddy's proud of you, my boy." He still couldn’t speak. He was drowning with water running from his mouth and nose. They were no longer in their house. They were on the SeaDragon, the water flooding everything around them. The broken bottle, a raised fist. The cut along his belly, shards left embedded in flesh, water and blood, thick and thin. "Cast the demon out, son. Give it to me. I know what to do with it." Flows of blood that did not stop, like a swirling waterfall. He looked desperately at Miles for help.

Miles took Neytiri by the hand and they crept past him. "What, you think I care about that baby or you? She's going to make me another one. I like her better, she's feisty." He was drowning, something was pulling at his legs. Around him, a crimson wave stained his blue skin. It was dark, cold, so cold. Everyone had left him, alone in the world, alone, alone. The last breath of air, his head under the ice and he woke up in the coldness of a dark cellar. Footsteps around him. The lights were turned on, blinding, and he was surrounded by avatars. Recoms. He couldn't distinguish their faces. They held him by the hands and feet. Fingers searching through the folds left by his split stomach, laughter and whistles, spit on his face, cigarette burns between his legs. They took something out of it, a small shriek was heard above their laughter. He kept trying to yell, to tell them to stop, to apologize. Black water out of his mouth. He saw sharp fangs biting the umbilical cord, smiles of mouths marked by death. The crying stopped, replaced by chewing sounds. They let go of him and he fell to the ground, crawling on his elbows. There was nothing left of his baby. Miles was next to him, funeral clothes, black paint on his face. "You wanted this." The room was burning, a consuming fire. The children stood around him, hatred all over their faces. "We hate you, dad! You killed our sibling." The flames rose, up, up, to the sky, where the sun was extinguished, leaving room for a black hole. Head raised by fingers stuck in his hair. Blue dead eyes and sandy hair. "You're just like him. You're not my son. You're a demon hiding in your brother’s skin." Black smoke everywhere, the fog, the curtain over his eyes.

“I’m not! I didn’t mean to!” He was panting, drenched in sweat. He threw the blanket to the side, looking desperately at the sheets, but everything was clean. His heart was pounding in his chest. He called Quaritch, tugging him awake, by his arm, by his tail.

“What’s wrong?”

“Wake up right now! You need to make a scan. Right now, Miles!” The demon jerked to his feet. Jake took off first, practically running to the surgical table.

“Are you in pain? Do you feel anything?”

“No, just- just do the damn scan.” T-shirt lifted, pants pulled down, cold gel spread on his abdomen. The demon was moving too slowly. Jake was tapping his foot nervously, irritated.

“Can you move any fucking slower?”

“I wanna see you do it. A riffle is easier to manage than this fucking computer.”

“I did. Remember, I have four kids.” Jake tried to grab the transducer from the demon’s hands, but Quaritch just pushed him back down.

“You have thr-“ He stopped himself, biting his tongue, eyes glued on the monitor. Jake took his hand and placed it above the gel.

“I have four.”

Pressure below his navel, monitor bip-ing, the sound of a living heart beat reverberated in the room and Jake got goosebumps.

“Look at this tiny fella, healthy as a horse. You’re far along for this thing to tell us the gender. ”

“I don’t wanna know. Don’t tell me.” Bitter taste on his tongue but he wasn’t ready for that. Quaritch’s hand faltered. “I just wanna know if everything is ok with it.”

“It?! …Yeah, my baby is fine.” Cold tone, whiplashed tail.

“Our baby.” he heard himself correcting the demon.

“Then get your fucking head from your ass and look at your kid.” The monitor was turned towards him, and Jake physically forced himself to turn his head and look at the tiny life inside him. One glance, he barely understood what was there. He took a deep breath and grabbed the demon’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles. Together. But he still couldn’t do it. You’re not him. You’re not your dad. It’s yours too. A gift. He raised his gaze. Small head forming, two hands, two legs, shape of a tail. He could see the pointed translucent ears, the nose, the fingers and toes. But Jake saw beyond that. He felt an unimaginable warmth, a magnetic power taking his breath away. He ran his fingers over the screen, wishing he could actually touch it. It was as if everything made sense out of nowhere.

“I see you, little one.” I’m sorry I was scared of you. I’m trying. “I see you.”

Chapter Text

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Jake and Tommy! Happy birthday to you! Make a wish!” But Tommy wasn’t there. It was just him and his mother, with cake and candles and decorations, with things they never had growing up. He reached out his blue hand towards her, cupping her head in it. She looked so young, as he remembered her from an old photograph. “I wish you were here, mom.” She smiled, cutting a piece of cake. “But I am, silly.” Slowly, details from around the room would change. He could see the broken mirror from the shack on the wall, the cuffs Quaritch tied him with on the table, plastic cups filled with cum, IV bags, bows, guns. He pulled her closer. “I wish you'd tell me what to do, cause I feel so lost, mom.” Scenery change, Christmas decorations, golden knives. “You have all the answers, honey. You don’t need me.” Quaritch was sitting at the head of the table, glass wine in his hand, blue skin, black suit, smug smile. “It’s wrong, mom. All these feeling that I have, they're eating me alive. And it’s all because of him.” She placed another plate with cake in front of Quaritch and gave him a hug. The lights flickered. “Jakey, baby, what do you really want me to say?” “That- that is wrong for me to want him too.” Quaritch rose up from his sit, black velvet box in his hand. Room shaken, lights flickering. “Why would I say such a thing?” “He hurt me. You said I should never let anyone do that to me again.” Opened box, golden ring. “We all make mistakes, Jake. You did many.” Gold ring stuck on his finger. He couldn’t take it off. Small child tugging at his clothes. She was holding a camera in her hands. Quaritch hugged him and the child from behind. Flash of light. “Mom, stop. It’s wrong.” Flash after flash. She was happy. “Mom! I can’t have this life with him.” Ceiling plaster falling in the plates, sounds of war drums from outside, the giggles of the child. Camera flash. “Mom, please, stop.” Quaritch grabbed him by the chin. Dirty smile on his face. “Would it really kill you to admit the truth?” Earthquake. Broken plates on the floor. Cracks in the peeling walls. “I’ll burn in hell for this.” “Then we’ll burn together.” Quaritch kissed him. Flash. “Mom, he'll hurt me. Please, do something.” She took the child from them, hiding him under the table. Bites on his neck, fangs at his throat, and she tried to leave. “He’ll kill me!” “No one died from love, baby. They only died for it.” Golden knife stabbing him through the heart. Again and again. Pain alleviated with scorching kisses. “Say what I want to hear and I’ll stop.” Kiss. Stab. “I need you.” Stab. Kiss. “I want you.” Stab. Stab. “Miles.” Stab. “I-“

He woke up for the third time that night, lost in half remembered dreams. He quietly left the bedroom in search of a water bottle. It got easier to get away now that the demon was a little more careless. He learned to not freak out when Jake disappeared in the middle of the night. He'd always come right back to seek that sweet, intoxicating closeness that they shared. 

Another week and a half went by in a blink of an eye, and everything started to shift in the slightest. They fucked more, if that was even possible, but this time Jake let himself be drowned in the feelings of it, rather than just try to hide old memories with his dopamine shots. It was still rough and messy, but the demon was holding back, never hitting Jake the way he wanted it, never stopping before he was sure Jake was a complete mess under him. Most of the time Jake’s pleasure was put first, with Quaritch always asking if he likes it, with him never taking things further until Jake told him repeatedly that he wanted it. Jake found himself thanking the demon for every orgasm he had.

He managed to smile and it felt wrong the first few times he did it. One time for Quaritch leaving a trail of kisses on his belly, another for enjoying a story the demon shared with him about Spider and the Recoms, and the last one when Quaritch took a picture with the holopad of him with the collar on. “This, is for my eyes only, princess.” He asked for a smile, and Jake gave him what he wanted. Those smiles left a bitter taste on his tongue at first, shame pulling at his heart. Until he stopped thinking and judging himself so harshly for them. 

They finally found ways to talk and have small conversations. It started naturally, with Jake correcting his pronunciation when the demon tried to impress him with all the words he knew in Na’vi. Then Quaritch started asking questions about the right way to hold a bow, right ways to hunt, to hide your tracks, about the culture, traditions, about the connection with nature.

They would talk about the kids. The demon wouldn’t take his attention off Jake’s mouth every time he'd tell a new story about Spider growing up. There was still resentment in the demon’s heart for Jake stealing those precious memories, he could feel it in the bond, but they were working around it. Jake could finally talk about his children, and Quaritch actually listened.

He missed them so much. He was a fool for thinking that he could just erase that part of his life in order to ease himself into his new one. Once or twice he accidentally slipped in some stories that involved Neytiri, and Jake expected the demon to snap and yell at him for bringing her up, but surprisingly, he never commented on it He stopped referring to her as his “bitch” and instead he called her his “wife”. Jake mentally stopped himself several times from correcting him, to say that Neytiri wasn’t his wife anymore. It would've hurt to say it out loud, like a hot iron to his heart. He still loved her. He would never stop loving her. She was the only person after his mother and Tommy for whom he had those true feelings.

There was another thing he couldn’t ignore anymore. The baby. He started to show, the defined little bump bugging him all the time. Most of the time, he looked like he had too much to eat. He sucked it in when he noticed it in the mirror, or in the shower, or in the reflections of the glass panels. He was coming to terms day by day that he was growing a tiny person inside, another life. It was still difficult to fully embrace it, even though there was a part in himself that was excited about the baby. But his hesitation was compensated by the demon's enthusiasm and affection. If his hands weren't between Jake’s legs, they were on his belly, touching , tracing, caressing. He could literally see Quaritch's pupils getting bigger the moment he got to touch the round belly. 

Jake should’ve been glad by all those sudden changes, yet he still felt like it was some kind of trick. He expected to just wake up one morning and realize that everything was a dream, that he was still tied to that wall, that he was still Quaritch’s play toy, starved, humiliated, raped, used. Yet, there was nothing of that sort anymore. But accidents still happened between them and old habits died hard.

It was supposed to be nothing more but a joke. He woke up from another nightmare and told Quaritch that their kid might actually be a demon for how many times it haunted his dreams every night. Quaritch slapped the life out of him for that. Full on handprint engraved in his face. None of them apologized for it. He took another one when he barely ate anything for an entire day, and another one when Quaritch caught him sucking in his stomach. One wrong move revolving around the baby and Quaritch would show that old side of himself. Jake got mad the first time the demon hit him, but afterwards, he just embraced it, because it was pain, that stinging, reverberating, old, bad, pleasant feeling. 

He drank his water and remained standing, looking through the glass panel at the sky. It was a night full of stars. He slipped his hand under his shirt and caressed his belly. They'd be fine, he'd take care of the baby, and he hoped that by the time he'd give birth to it, he'd find ways to love it as much as he loved his kids. "I'm gonna tell you about your siblings, little one, about how brave they are. I’ll tell you about your uncle, who, if he had been here, would've loved you to infinity and beyond, because that was his nature." Jake looked for it among the other stars, but from that angle he couldn't see it. "I'm going to tell you about your father, the good things. There aren't that many, but maybe enough will appear along the way." He put his forehead on the cold glass, running his fingers over the mesmerizing image outside. “We’ll have to leave this place soon and I’m afraid of where your father will take us...” Fingers over the collar that never left his neck ever since it was tied around it. 

They both feared that aspect, shared that fear. They knew that they had little time left, that soon they'd have to flee from RDA. Quaritch had prepared backpacks with the bare necessities, but those things would last them a few days, and then they'd be at the mercy of the demons' skills. Another month, two, and Jake would become useless because of the pregnancy. Quaritch hadn't talked to him about the night around the fire or told him about his conversation with Lyle, so Jake had to continue to pretend he didn't know anything. But one thing was certain for Jake, if they were to go north, they'd only find trouble, maybe even death. 

The situation with Lyle was still tense. He was on Quaritch and the baby's side, but he still couldn't forgive Jake, or bear the idea that he was alive while all their friends were dead. He took advantage of every small opportunity to pick on Jake, each time perfectly avoiding the gaze of his superior. A pinch of the tail, a pinch of the tip of his ears, a shove from behind, and even a slap on his ass, which Jake was surprised Quaritch hadn't heard. Jake didn’t want to cause more fights on his behalf, to anger both of the demons, so he never mentioned them to Quaritch, and Lyle knew he kept it quiet. The night before, Jake had almost pissed himself when he saw how much the demon insisted that his friend would spend the night there, to sleep in one of the bunkbeds. Lyle argued that he didn't want to hear them screwing around all night. Quaritch insisted that they’ll keep it quiet. "Rather than being silent, you could give him to me for a round. Promise not to break him." Quaritch's brooding at the thought made Jake want to rip the demon’s cock with his claws. But eventually, thankfully, Lyle left, and as for everything uncomfortable between them, they didn’t bring it up afterward.

He was so lost in his thoughts that Jake didn’t notice Quaritch entering the room. He got startled from the big flash illuminating everything around him. 

“Shit. You moved, princess. Stay as you were.”

“I don’t want pictures looking like this.” Quaritch came next to him, lifting his shirt back up, lowering his pants a tiny bit, fixing his messy hair.

“Are you being bitchy again? I told you, no one else will see those.” Be smart, make him compromise. 

“Fine, if we go outside for a bit afterwards.”

“It’s 2 A.M. I want you and the little one back in bed, fast asleep.”

“I’m not tired. I just want a breath of fresh air.” Quaritch left kisses behind his ear, where he knew Jake would melt from the touch.

“I can think of some ways to make you tired, kitten.”

“Miles… I’m not in the mood.” 

Quaritch stepped back motioning to Jake to resume his position. One arm on the glass panel, one on his bared belly, arched spine, puffed chest. Flash of light. Remembrance of a dream.

"Can we go now? Please." Quaritch had something in his eyes, Jake couldn't say what, but something was off. He looked at the picture taken, then back to the bedroom, but in the end, he nodded. He opened the door, but turned around at the last second.

“Let me grab your jacket and we’ll go.” Door left wide open. Jake standing by himself in front of freedom, palms itchy, feet ready to move. You could run… No, no more running. He promised. He waited patiently for the demon to return. Pistol at his belt. Military jacket engulfed in the demon’s scent on him. Arm around his waist. 

They walked outside and Quaritch grabbed his hand, holding it tightly, like he could lose Jake if he held it any lighter. But they kept walking, and walking, deeper into the forest, until Quaritch stopped to call for his ikran. 

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.” 

They flew high in the sky like free spirits, carried by the air currents, passing under vines and foliage, passing a waterfall. The Ikran spun and Jake almost touched the stars. Quaritch held him well by his waist. He had seen Jake so happy to fly, that the demon let out a giggle of delight. Jake leaned against him and opened his arms, laughing in the silence of the night, as if they were alone in the world. He missed that freedom so, so much. 

They reached a floating island, one that could only be accessed by flying. Jake recognized the place, he had flown in that area hundreds of times. He immediately realized why the demon had chosen that place. Everything was surrounded by a blue luminescent plant, which resembled a thin curtain over the rest of the vegetation. On the ground, the soft moss lit their path. A stream was making its way beside them, the rush of water keeping their minds awake. But Jake did not expect to see the lake created by the stream, nor the few atokirina floating in their soothing dance over the reflection of the water. He forgot to breathe.

“I found this place when I went hunting. Thought you’d like it.”

“It’s… breathtaking.” 

They both sat down in the grass and moss, himself on the demon's lap, Quaritch with his chin on his shoulder. They were calm and quiet. The demon's hands went down to their favorite place, lifting the shirt and tenderly holding the bump. From that place they could see all the stars perfectly. Jake put his head back and searched with his gaze until he found it. It was so small, barely visible, but he was never mistaken in recognizing it. He looked at it fascinated, knowing that what he was seeing was actually the light coming from the past. In that small white circle, lost in the vast dark ultramarine blue, it was possible that they were still alive.

“Look at the stars, Miles. Those, right there, that constellation, is the Virgo.”

“I see it.” Soft kiss on his jaw. Shivers down his spine.

“And that one, to the right, it’s the Big Dipper. Follow my finger. You see it?”

“Yeah.” The demon answered agape.

“Keep following my finger. You see that 'w' shape? That’s Cassiopeia. It’s believed to be the first constellation discovered.” A rub on his belly, another kiss on the jaw. "Wait, wait, best part for last.” He found it again.

“You see that little dot there?”

“The sky is full of them, princess.” He turned his gaze and found himself lost in beautiful burning comets. They were so close. Breath on breath. He looked at the demon’s lips, then back into his haunting eyes.

“Look where I’m looking.” Supernovas colliding. Burst of colorful atoms in the depths of yellow irises. He wanted to kiss him so badly.

“I will. Show me.”

Jake pointed at the sky again, electricity running down his veins. It felt so hot all of a sudden.

“That, that tiny dot over there, is Earth.” Tighter hold over his bump, light flicker of the tail, fixed gaze upon the star. “That’s where we came from.” Arm over his chest, palm spread flat over his heart. Heart skipping a beat. 

“Would you go back there?” Quaritch whispered. Jake thought about it.

“No. There’s nothing worth returning to. I have everything I ever wanted here.” Tighter hold over his heart. No, he took it the wrong way.

“Would you?” 

“I would… even if I have to live with that oxygen mask for the rest of my life. I left people behind to be here.”

“Like who?” Quaritch was still looking at the sky. Jake placed his hand over the demon’s.

“My old folks are probably dead by now, but… I have my sister out there, my nephews. I don’t even know if she’s still alive. She’s older than me.” Jake tried to put the demon’s hand back on his belly, but Quaritch intertwined their fingers and kept them in place over his heart. 

“We can never go back there, Miles. These bodies, the way of life, we are meant to live here, connected to everything you see before your eyes. This is our home.” Quaritch loosened his hold. "I’m sorry for humanity. I’m sorry it has to be this way, but we did it with our own hands. We destroyed everything our planet had to offer. The Na’vi have no fault. They shouldn’t suffer or die just so we could perpetuate the same mistakes over and over. We need to protect this home. I need to-“ He took a deep breath.

“Say what you wanna say, Jake.”

Bright stars, low lighted future. Fear.

“Maybe it’s my turn to not trust you, Miles.” Quaritch lifted his chin. He traced Jake’s bottom lip, pulling at it a little. Breath upon breath. Jake closed his eyes but the kiss never came. 

“I think a part of you does. So just tell me.” The stars were forgotten. He couldn’t take his gaze away from the constellation and comets that were inches away from him. Aphrodisiac scent in the air.

“I- I kept thinking of the best way to win this. For the future, for the kids to have a normal life. And I-“ 

“Go on.” He can betray you. It could still be a game. He could just go back to the RDA to prepare them, to help them be stronger, to let them know what to expect. Lips finally upon lips. Honey dripping down his throat. Doubt forgotten for a minute.

“Just imagine, every single clan and Na’vi from all regions, the entire Pandora, all united under a single cause.” Play him too. “You could help me. You have the greatest military background out of all of us. You know all their plans, you know where to strike to bring them down for good.” Use the kid. “What life would this baby have if it gets born in this fucked up world? You can keep me away from my old life, Miles, but you can’t keep me, and the baby, away from war and the wrath of humans.” Mellow eyes. Soft hold over his body. Last card. “Think of Spider and how much he treasures this planet, these people. You'd kill him if you were to take all this from him, just for humans to come back and live their lives just as destructive as before.” Don’t get mad. Just open your eyes. See the truth that She showed you.

“This plan of yours involves some crucial factors, Jake. First, is the fact that they somehow accept me. A fantasy.”

“ ‘They’?”

“You know very well who I’m talking about. Second, is that I'd be ready to give my life for this. I’m not. I'd give my life for Spider. You know why?” 

“Because he’s your son.” Jake answered defeated. Quaritch nodded.

“I would give my life for Lyle. Why?”

“Because he’s loyal.”

“Mhm, loyal. He’s a good soldier, a very good friend. He would do exactly the same for me.” I lost again. “Which is not something I can say about you.” Jake tried to pull away, to get up, but Quaritch’s grip on him was too strong to even budge a muscle. ”Nah, you ain’t goin' nowhere. You want us to talk. We’re talking, princess.”

“I don’t have anything else to say. Let me go.” He kept pushing, but it was in vain.

“I’m trying here, Jake, harder than ever in my life, to be different. But I’m alone in this struggle.”

“People don’t change. Let me go, Miles!” But Quaritch didn’t. He holds Jake’s hand in his, crossing them against his chest, their scents mixing together like one. “What you want from me is wrong.”

“Is it really?”

“You're not supposed to feel this way about me. You’re supposed to hate my guts, to put your knife at my throat. You... you should want to kill me.”

“Are you really that scared of whatever feeling I have for you that you would prefer to die?”

Jake didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He felt so torn inside, split in two. That forbidden part of himself wanted to just throw his body at the demon, to let Quaritch do whatever he wanted with him, to care for him, to be happy with him. But the other was screaming in the back of his mind that those feelings were an illusion made by the blood running through his veins, by the forced bond, by the captivity. He didn’t know which one was closer to the truth. 

“I made you a promise. I told you I’ll stay with you, I told you I'll let you do whatever you want with me, but don’t make me admit something I can’t, Miles.” He felt tears rushing to come out.

“I didn’t ask you to admit anything. I want you to stop fighting me. You're mine!”

“I know! Shit. I didn’t mean to yell, it's just… People remain the same. We pretend to change. We hide parts of ourselves until we forget they're there. But at our core, we're exactly the same. I’m still the biggest fucking idiot in the world who can’t get anything right in his life.” Fucking tears.

“Turn around. Turn around and look at me!” He straddled the demon’s lap. He hid tears in the jacket’s sleeve. “Give me just this night, where you don’t fight back, where you don’t try to get away, and let me show what I could give you.” Jake looked back up at the sky, wishing he was anywhere else but there. “I won’t expect anything else from you, cause I still don’t know myself what this thing between us is. We don’t have to put a label on it, if that's what you're really so afraid off.” Atokirina floating near them. Sacred blessing. Eywa’s will.

“If I say yes, I want you to give me what I crave. You broke my mind, you have to put it back together the way I know it'll actually work.” Fingers around the base of his kuru, pulling lightly, sweet sample of pain.

“Deal.” 

They jumped on each other, devouring each other, a contract signed with saliva, sweetness and honey. They took off their clothes and fell again on the soft grass that caressed their heated bodies. Kurus connected, feelings and lust intensified. But they didn't hurry, they took it slow, they enjoyed each other's bodies in the night light. It seemed sacred and dirty at the same time. They were like two newlyweds in their dream night, and like two lovers who avoided the evil eyes of the world around them, wanting to sin endlessly in secret. Quaritch showered him with kisses and touches, on every part of his body, in worship. Jake was already wet between his legs. If they had continued with only that, he was sure that he would have come without anything else. But for the moment, he needed a bit more.

“Please, Miles! Please hurt me!”

“Not yet. Be patient, kitten.” 

Jake was below him, prey for the lion, and the comets were burning in the middle of the night, but he knew he wasn't gonna get burned by them. Gentle touches on his thigh, kisses on his neck, on his collarbone. Intoxicating pressure between his legs and two fingers finding the abundance of nerves. It was them, the sound of water and moans. Kisses upon kisses. A hand on his flaccid dick. With each deep thrust into his cunt, Miles would also stroke him gently. Jake let go of any inhibition, any fear, any shame, and for the first time he felt something, he felt it twitching in Miles’s hold.

“Say you want this, Jake. Say you want me.” Miles’ hand was covered in slick. Jake could feel precum on the tip of his dick.

“I want it. I want you Miles. Don’t stop! Please, don’t stop!” 

Everything was so sweet, he was trembling with pleasure, he could barely stop himself from finishing so quickly. Miles' mind was flooding him with images of the two of them, the way he wanted Jake so badly, that feeling of warmth that was growing between them.  

Four fingers filling up his hungry cunt, Miles’ thumb circling his clit, the fast pumping of his dick in Miles’ bigger fist and Jake came screaming from pleasure. He was panting like crazy. There was a pool of slick between his legs. Miles scooped some on his fingers and mixed it with Jake’s cum, licking his fingers.

“My sweet boy, you taste so delicious.” He tucked away some strands of hair from Jake’s sweaty forehead, running his fingers through it, messaging his scalp. “You’re so pretty like this.” Jake wrapped his arm around Miles’ neck and brought him lower to kiss him, to taste himself on his tongue. Miles’ cook was nudging at his entrance. 

“If you don’t shove your dick inside me right now, I’ll kill you with my bare hands.” Miles chuckled, kissing his temple.

“How bout a ‘please’ somewhere in there, princess?”

“Please fuck me before I kill you.” Sparks and shooting stars in his eyes. He lifted his hips, spreading his legs, his cunt clenching around nothing, glistening slick dripping down into the grass. Miles took himself in hand, tiny moan escaping his lips at the sight in front of him. He dreamed about you like this, willing, vulnerable, obedient. He got wetter at the thought, bucking his hips into the air. I can be what he wants.

“M'not really convinced that my mate wants me. You can do better.” A smirk on his face, playfulness in his voice. A thought through the bond. Difficult words to say out loud. But he promised a night without restrictions. Jake leaned forward, until he was kneeling in front of him. He bent down and licked a strip on the hot big shaft, all the way to the tip. Miles shivered above him. He kept licking and kissing his way up, on Miles’ toned abdomen, on his chest, around his nipples, on his neck, until he reached his ear. Tell him what he wants to hear.

“I want you to show me how much you care ‘bout me, ma munxatan. I want you to make love to me.” 

He lowered himself until they were one, connected in all the ways possible and Jake never felt something so good in his life. Small moans ripping out of each other. Hands grabbing anything they could reach. He felt so full. His bump rubbed against Miles’ skin and he felt the need to hug him, so be as close to him as possible. Right then, he could've made himself a house inside Miles' skin.

“My good boy. You’re so good for me, Jake.” Serotonin chemical. Repeated words in his mind. His good boy. “Can’t get enough of you, kitten.”

They fucked each other like that, with slow thrusts, heart upon heart, shallow breaths. Pure pleasure. Yet, it wasn’t enough. They both wished for a sparkle of something else. Love to them meant violence too.

“Please Miles, hit me, j- just once. As hard as you can.” Soft hand on his ass, a small tap in warning and a full harsh slap. He bucked his hips, chasing both pain and pleasure. He received another one, and another, until his skin was stinging. Miles buried his fangs in the crook of his neck. Pierced skin, euphoric pleasure. Fangs claiming him. His collar was tugged. The knot pulling at his velvet walls, splitting him further and he couldn’t get enough.

“Where, princess?”

“Inside me. Fill me up.”

Rivers of cum warming his stuffed cunt. Stars in his eyes, in his mind, above them. Stardust garland around them. They fell back in the grass, but they didn’t pull apart. Blissfulness shared through the bond, peace of mind. Miles pulled out his cock and Jake whimpered at the loss.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, kitten. You want a snack?” Miles lowered his hand but Jake stopped him.

“No.” He looked on the side, towards the calm water. “Let’s wash in the lake.”

“It ain’t happening. It’s cold as it is. Plus, it might be bad for the baby.”

“The baby will be fine and I’m not made of glass.” Kurus disconnected. 

He quickly got up and took off before Quaritch could stop him. It was childish, it was as if he was still a teenager fooling around on a date night. He was lifted off the ground by strong arms and wrapped around the demon's hips. Upon contact with the cold water, Quaritch froze in place, mustering the courage to take a step forward. Jake got bored waiting for him. 

“Pussy.”

He detached himself from the warm body and let the coolness of the water pump his blood. He plunged and sank into that luscious pleasure, swimming around freely. Quaritch was left behind. He looked like a wet cat, unsure of himself. Jake swam towards him and splashed around, taunting him.

“Come on, coward! You look like you’re in pain.”

“It’s fucking cold.” 

Jake swam behind him and let a few kisses on his neck.

“You could chase me. Bet it would warm you up.” Playful tug of the tail. Laughter and waves. Primary instincts revealed. Hunter and prey, mate and lover, lost in their innocent play. The water swirled around them, splashing, limbs hitting the surface, giggles and forbidden touches. Every time Jake let himself get caught, he managed to slip out of Quaritch's grip, sinking back into that holy water to continue to taunt the demon. They did this until they couldn't breathe anymore, until they held each other again for support. 

Drops of fresh water stuck to his long eyelashes. A blush on his sharp cheekbones. Parted lips. His mischievous and playful look. The comets burning, the ones that had consumed his soul and had mastered his reason. The small universe on his young, velvety skin. His own Adonis. It hurt him so much to know that he wanted something that should never have been his. He wanted to erase all their past with a sponge, to forget what Quaritch had done, what had started those strange feelings. He had tasted a drop of what could've been that new life, a life with him, and it was as if he had bitten nectar and ashes at the same time. It’s wrong. You don’t know what lies to tell yourself anymore. It’s wrong. It’s wrong to have any feelings for him. Yet you want him.

Quaritch murmured something under his breath. Jake did the same. Secrets of the world. Atokirinas floating by, heavenly witnesses. 

“Let’s go back, princess.” Jake let out a sniffle.

“I don’t want this to end.”

“It doesn’t have to, Jake.” The water calmed down around them. Natural mirror of the vast universe above them.

“How can you do it, Miles? Half-asked question. Tremor of the soul. Miles hugged him.

“It just happened and I don't fight it. It wasn't that easy for me either. I still hate you sometimes, but I try to remember that all that hate is not mine…” 

“I can’t do that.” Jake dug his nails in his own arms.

“You can. You just need to stop fighting me in that little head of yours.” Atokirina floating above them. “Your goddess chose this. I hear you thinking it through the bond. Is that how you show your faith towards her?”

“Maybe She’s wrong as well.” The seed landed on the demon’s shoulder. Shaken fate. Quaritch grabbed his chin. 

“Then, how about this? I enjoyed our time tonight.” Burning comets. Hummingbird wings.

“I- I did too.”

“Then it’s settled for the moment . Let’s go back.”

“Wait!” Fingers intertwined. “Wait.” Rise on tiptoes. Give in. Just give in. They'll understand. They have to. One last sinful passionate kiss. 

They returned to the shore of the lake and waited to get dry before getting dressed. They lingered in the grass a little longer, looking at the stars again, trying to stay in each other's arms as long as possible. But Quaritch was suddenly pensive, he was looking at the stars lost. But then he turned his gaze back on Jake, and Jake swore he knew that look on the demon's face, that same look that always hunted him his entire life. Yet, it was different, a hidden pureness glimmering from an old soul.

“I want you to let me do one last thing before we return.” Jake nodded. Quaritch took his face in his warm palms. He slowly raised them until they covered Jake’s ears. His lips moved but Jake couldn’t hear a word, but the look on Quaritch's face, the shimmer in his glazed eyes, made Jake sure of what the demon confessed. He pulled at his wrists.

“Say it again.” Quaritch turned away, averting his gaze. “Miles…”

“You’re not ready to hear that.”

“Hey! One night when I didn't fight back, that was the deal. So just spill-“

“I love you.” Internalized fear. Fear. So much fear. Followed by numbness. “Forget I said it.” Say something back. Spit it out. Just for tonight. No one’s watching. No one will judge you. “No one died from love.”

“I-I…” but the words got stuck in his throat. “Miles, I-…” I can’t.

“Don’t. Come on. Let’s get you back.”

They soon left after that, from the little oasis of affirmed truths and feelings.

At the shack, the air between them changed. Everything felt lighter in a way. Quaritch took him back to the bedroom, where Jake made himself comfortable on the bed, but the demon did not follow him, he remained standing. He went to the bedside table and took out the songcord, which he threw at Jake.

“What are you doing?”

“I want you to hold that for me until I return.” 

“Return… from where?” Quaritch also pulled out the picture with Paz and baby Spider, but after one look, he put it back.

“Bridgehead. I need to see the General. If I don’t go there, she’ll come here.”

“What the fuck are you sayin’? You can’t leave. What if something happ-“

“Jake, listen.”

“What if they figure it out? What if you can’t return? You’ll kill both of us. We'll die trapped in here. You’ll kill-“

“Jake!”

“I don’t want you to lea-“

“The door will stay open!” The demon ran his hand over his face. “If I don’t come back in six hours, I need you to get out of here… You have your own backpack. You need to keep my-... our baby safe. When- if I come back, I just hope I’ll still find you here.”

“You knew you were leaving." Statements that haven't been contradicted. "That’s why you took me there?”

Quaritch just rushed past him, hurrying to get what he needed. Jake ran after him. Gun. Assault rifle. The holopad and some files. He didn’t even turn to take a final look at Jake. He slammed the door open and went outside. Jake stopped himself at the invisible line between hell and freedom. The numbness he felt in the forest faltered away, panic taking over. “No one died from love. They only died for it.” “Mom, you’re coming back, right?” “Give me just this night.” “I love you.” The demon was already gone, past the foliage, before Jake found the courage to say something back. He cradled his bump, searching for some sort of comfort. The forest was quiet. His mind was suddenly too quiet. He was by himself. He was twelve again. A whisper carried by the wind.

“I think I do too.”

—-

“Happy birthday, little brother!”

“Happy birthday, Tommy!”

They just got home from the party. It was the first time Jake drank a little bit too much. Hugs and small exchanges of gifts. Laughs, unwrapped paper, small trinkets. Tommy pulled out an envelope from his backpack.

“Last one.”

“Tommy, you already gave me too much. I’ve got nothing else.”

“It’s a small one.” Jake opened the envelope. There was a picture in it. It was their first photo of them and their mother, the one mounted on the wall. Jake couldn’t believe his eyes.

“How did you get this?”

“A magician never reveals his secrets.”

“No, come on. How did you? You went there?”

“I might’ve made a small trip when we visited that old factory that was near. They- no one bought it afterwards, bad pollution zone and all of that, and it’s gonna be demolished, among other houses.” He didn’t know how to feel about it. He was numb.

“So, I thought one last look wouldn’t hurt. I spoke with some guys, paid some money and they let me in.”

“What else was there?” Tommy knew what Jake really meant. He asked the question that kept repeating in their minds ever since they were taken away.

“Let’s not talk about that tonight. I didn’t want to upset you. I thought you would be happy if you saw the picture.”

“I am, but I want to know.” Jake kept staring at his mother’s face, the numbness not going away.

“Well, you know, it smelled badly, dust everywhere and on anything, there was a broken window-“

“I don’t care about that.” He looked at his young face and didn’t recognize himself. A sigh from his brother.

“Everything was still there, the shards, blood stains from the kitchen all the way to the front door…no one moved a single thing. I wanted to take more things, something of hers, but I forgot how little she owned.” Numbness. Numbness. Numbness.

“I wish I was there with you, to say goodbye to her.”

“Jake… you know mom isn’t actually there anymore.” Deep down he wished she was.

“I know, but I wanted to close that chapter where it all started.”

“I’m sorry, baby brother! I’m sorry for everything you went through.” A brother’s hug. A picture hiding thousands of unspoken stories. A man that couldn’t feel anything for his past self.

—-

He couldn’t even consider sleeping after all that. He sat on the floor, in front of the opened door, looking at the first rays of light, trapped in old forgotten memories. He played absent mindedly with the songcord between his fingers, slipping in the gold ring on all of them. He felt ghosts around him, watching over him.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Chapter Text

They were running wildly among souvenir tables, book cases, exponents, and around the miniature model of the Mercury-Redstone 3 rocket. They didn't know which information boards to read first or what to stare at. It was the most beautiful day of their lives. They dragged her around, showing her their favorite things, talking to each other about every little detail. Tommy knew more than he did, but Jake also managed to fill in details from time to time. She listens to them fascinated.

“Ok. You’re turning twelve only once, so today we get to choose three gifts.”

“Three gifts?!”

“Yup. Anything that you like.”

They sprinted off, each one in another direction. Jake looked around. It never felt so hard to make a decision but his eyes eventually landed on the famous comic books he heard everyone at school talking about. He picked up a volume and rushed back to her, holding it above his head like a trophy.

“Mommy, this one.” She took it from him flipping through the pages. Her smile dropped.

“You’re sure you want this one? It seems kind of… violent.”

“Yes, please.” He looked at her with that look he knew she couldn’t resist to. She laughed.

“Alright, alright. Anything for my birthday boy.” She ruffled his hair and gave a kiss on top of his head. “Let’s find your brother.”

Tommy was as indecisive as Jake was. He couldn't decide between a rocket lamp and a game with the solar system. While he was making up his mind, Jake had already seen their third gift, a shiny astronaut helmet. He went to look at it more closely. It looked perfect. They would happily share it. He carefully took it from the shelf and returned to Tommy and his mother, who were still debating what to choose.

Out of nowhere, the helmet was ripped from his hands. His father was there.

“Don’t tell me you want this cheap plastic as well?” One step back. Eyes glued to the floor. All amusement gone from his soul.

“I thought you couldn’t come.” His mother’s tone was just as lifeless.

“I got the day off. Wasn’t much to do anyway. What’s the price on this thing? Shit. Put it back, boy.” Helmet tossed in his hands. Sadness all around. Feet frozen on the spot. “You’re deaf, boy? I said put it back!”

“But I like it and mom said-“

“Hey! Let’s not get upset today, ok, baby?" She blocked Jake’s view from the tower of terror. She took the helmet from him, inspecting it. “It kinda looks cheap for how much they ask for it, baby. Maybe you can pick something else.”

“But I really wanted this. Tommy!” His brother was standing on the sides, barely looking up to the three of them.

“Jake, we can pick something else. The game looks fun.”

“I don’t want a fucking game, I want the helmet!” Hard slap across his face. People stopping in their tracks, staring. He dropped down to Jake’s level. She was embarrassed and terrified.

“Go to the car right now! You and I are gonna have a men’s talk when we get home.”

Jake did what he said, with tears in his eyes and anger in his soul. When he got to the car, for a split second, he thought what would happen if he just continued to walk, and walk, and walk, until his feet couldn’t carry him anymore.

Back home, Tommy was holding a bag with comic books, a rocket lamp, and a helmet. He tried to cheer his brother up, but Jake just nodded to anything Tommy said, barely listening, faking a smile. Before he could escape to his favorite place, she stopped him. Sadness in her eyes.

“Jakey, you know me and dad love you very much, right baby?” Lies. He ran past her.

 After dinner, Jake hid on the roof by himself, watching the starless night sky, holding his bruised arm tight to his chest. He never touched that helmet again.

—-

The leaves swayed in the wind, carrying with them a roar that resembled a mournful song. The bushes and trees were mournful spectators, bent to show their respects. Clouds were gathering in the sky, tearful mourners for the dead man in the metal coffin. An hour had passed. He knew this because he had buckled Quaritch's watch to his wrist, checking it every five minutes, as if time would stand still or go backwards.

He sat cross-legged on the floor, right on the edge of the door, Quaritch's jacket in his arms and his nose buried deep in the material. He didn't budge from that position. His head felt heavy. Old memories mixed with those of that evening rolled before his eyes without interruption. He didn't know what to believe. He couldn't even believe himself. You're a liar. You've been lying endlessly since you bonded in front of Eywa. She wants this for you. You asked her to give you another chance and She did, and now you make fun of her choice. She made him start to see, She showed him the end if he continues to destroy and hate as he did in the past. She chose him for a reason. She gave you a child. She gave you back what you lost... She gave you back more. The headache was back. It was not as strong and threatening as before, but it was present enough that he couldn't ignore it. There was a battle inside him, as ugly as the war in which he'd participated. It could break him again. He didn't understand why it was so hard for him to accept the possibility that everything he felt was real.

“I want to believe you…”

—-

He was still on the roof when they got outside. They never fought on the porch. There’s always a first time for everything.

“I’m so, so tired of this. One day in the entire year…one day…and you couldn’t control yourself even today. Don’t touch me!”

“The boy asked for it. Do you want me to allow disrespect in this house?”

“Do you hear yourself? You hit my child, Damian! It’s like hitting me a hundred times, but I guess that doesn’t really matter to you.”

“You do that thing again. You always exaggerate things. It was nothing. It was a tap, to grab his fucking attention. You act like our parents never did that. It builds character.”

“Right… character. It sure worked on you. Mine never did.”

“M'yeah, they just abandoned you. Golden stars.”

“Hey! We’re not talking about them. I raised those boys for twelve years. On my own. Did you ever saw me raising my hand towards them?… You promised you'll try.”

“I am.”

“You’re not. The two of them should be the only thing that matter in our lives now. You hear me? They are just… they don’t know what to do anymore, to get your attention, to make you see them, love them. Jake's terrified of you. Tommy cries for you at night, cause he wants his dad to be there for him.”

“I am! I’m trying! I- I care- I. God fucking damn it! We were too young. Too young! …And-and twins. I lost my job because of them, you know that shit-“

“No! You don’t get to blame them for your mistakes! They didn’t fire you for having children, they did it because you stole money! You threw yourself in those debts, you and your friends!”

“For whom? For those two little ungrateful brats!”

“Hey!”

“I- it’s fucking hard, ok. No one tells you life gets this fucking hard and cruel.  And that 'poison', as you like to call it, is the only thing keeping me afloat.”

“What would've happened if I did it too, if I drank for every little inconvenient thing in my life?…You need to open your eyes. I still- I loved you…I want to look at you like I did the first time we met. But you're not the same man. I need my husband. The boys need their father. I’m here for you. I’m willing to help you go through this, but I need you to try for real. I don’t know in what ways to tell you that anymore.”

“I’ll try more.”

“Please, do it… I- I’m tired. I can’t-“ Sobs. “-do this anymore. Sometimes… sometimes you make me hate being alive.”

“What did you say?! No. Don’t say that! Jocelyn, look at me! You can’t think like that.”

“Promise me you’ll try more.”

“I promise. I can’t lose you, dove. I love you.”

Lies.

—-

Two hours gone and he couldn't breathe. He took deep breaths. He tried to focus on his surroundings, but everything felt suffocating. His arms and feet were tingly, ants running in his veins. He moved around, trying to take his mind of it. It's gonna be fine. You just need to relax… You could just go. Grab the backpack and leave. Go back to them, to your family, to the people that really love you... I can't leave. I’ll just wait. He has to come back. He can lie to everyone and buy more days. Lyle fucking managed to fool them, so why wouldn't Quaritch be able to?… He'll just go there and tell everyone what a good little bitch you are, how lost you look when he fucks you raw, how you don't even know who you are anymore... or he won't and it s just a trap. A trap to make you look like an idiot when he’ll turn his back on you, when he’ll break you in front of everyone cause that s more fun and exciting. He can wait for the kid to be born and then he’ll let you be food for his favorite dog... Shut up! Stop! He's your mate. He cares for you, in his own ways... He's infatuated with the baby. He told you he's obsessed with you...Obsession's not love...Yet he said the damn words.

Mind shattered, splitting pain in his skull. He needed to distract himself. The fog was too close and he couldn't allow himself to stay stuck in his mind. He could be in danger at any moment. The child. He could think about it. He decided to do a sonogram himself. He followed all the steps he'd learned since Neytiri was pregnant.

He covered a part of the screen with his hands, he didn’t need all the details. Cold gel. Hard pressure. Volume turned on. Beating heartbeat matching his. He just listened to it, for several minutes, over and over.

“Hello there, little one. I don’t even know what I want to say to you... Since I’ve been here it’s like I forgot how to be a parent, at least in some way. Hmm...” Underlayers of the fog swirling around his brain. Numbness making its way in through a back door, but he was fighting them. “I’m scared to love you, because everything I ever loved was taken away from me. But at the same time…”

Unmatched heartbeats. Numbness.

“At the same time, you're mine just as much as your other siblings. And Quarit- Miles… Miles is mine too, I guess.” Drums in his head. “I wished this thing between us would be black or white, but it’s so much gray in there and I have no idea what to do with it. I mean it started as a bluff, right. Try to say the right words to push through. Say what he wanted to hear. Survive another day. And then something in me changed and I can’t pin point to the exact moment it happened. Maybe it started with the blood, or when he first left me and I thought I’ll die in here. Or maybe it started when I began to be dependent on him, when I was sick… definitely the bond screwed us both big time... Or maybe these last few weeks had something to do with it, because he was different and- and he suddenly cared, for both of us. And I- I think I-“

“I love you, mommy!”

“I love you too, baby. To infinity and beyond.”

“I should’ve told him something. It might’ve mattered. Maybe I could've stopped him. I-“

“I love you, little brother.”

“I love you too, Tommy.”

“He just left. He didn’t even look back at me... at us.”

“I love you, Neytiri.”

“I love you, maJake. I see you.”

“He did so many wrong things, things that I can’t just forget. I feel terrible for even considering forgiving him. People died because of him. Innocent souls.” But people died by your hands too. Innocent or not, you took lives. You’re no better than he is. You’re a murder too. You found ways to move on.

“Give me just one night.”

“I love you.”

He rushed outside, puking his guts out in the grass. He screamed until his throat felt sore, punching the ground with his fists. He cursed out loud the demon’s name, in all the languages he knew, for everything he put him through, for everything that he felt.

“There’s violence in that kid. He’s not like his brother.”

“You know, boy, I’m almost proud. You kicked that kid’s teeth out of his god damn mouth. No one messes with a Sully! Showed him right. But next time make sure no one sees you, or I might do the same to you.”

“You can’t go around punching people! That’s not what I taught you. Where did you even-... Why did you do it? I need to know. Jake, I’m really serious right now. Answer me!”

“They kicked you out of the bar again?! Who did you defended this time?”

 Two hours and forty five minutes. He went inside. He was tired. He grabbed the jacket again, the songcord and he closed his eyes on the bed. Five minutes…and then, I’ll leave.

There were flies all around him, as big as a bar of soap, buzzing of death and loss. They flew incessantly in all directions. From time to time a few sat on him and bit his flesh. When he hit them, they snapped like fruit falling from trees. They were drawn to the river of blood through which he walked. A dense fog blocked his path, but he continued to walk even though he didn't know where he was going. He was human again. He was himself before the accident. He felt like a flea in a much too big world and he was alone. He felt bones left under his feet, stepped on skulls that crumbled under his weight. Flies and blood and flapping wings. He saw Lo'ak, kneeling in the river, head down, crying. "Dad, I tried to stop them. I tried to save them and you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He disappeared into the water mixed with blood before Jake could reach him. On both sides of the river, flies settled and devoured corpses. They were people he'd once known. Above him, the ravens made their appearance, just as imposing. Judges of the underworld.

Three women danced holding hands, in a circle, calling and wailing his name. Their long hair was submerged in the water. They were naked but the red drops did not stick to their skin. He approached and saw that they had split tongues and white eyes. He called out to them but they pretended to not hear him. When they spoke, their mouths did not close. “I need help. I need to get away from here.” They danced faster, rising in their jump, like some gazelles. Their crying kept the flies away. “Child, oh, how you have lost yourself in the world! But what a great happiness it was. That at your wedding, a star fell. The sun and the moon held your garland. The forest witnessed you. Oh, what joy! Oh, what a pity! That one swore with his heart and one swore only with his body. Oh, child, how lost you are! Take our hands and dance with us if you hate life so much. Take our hands! TAKE OUR HANDS!" He dodged them, running as fast as he could through the swirling water. The water was rising. More and more until it reached his chest. He swam in a lake. Tall poison ivy bushes grew on each side of it. In the middle of the lake there was a piece of land where there was a house, his house.

He felt he was being followed. He turned his head and saw the women dancing in a circle from where he had come. He continued to swim until he reached the porch of the house. He knocked desperately on the door, again and again, pieces of wood sticking into his skin. He kicked it with his feet. When the door cracked open, a swarm of flies flew out of the house, along with human Quaritch. “Whatcha doin’ here?” “Let me in. I can’t run anymore. I’m tired.” Blue, piercing eyes on him, and he felt warm. “This is a dead end, Corporal. If I let you in, there’s no way out.” A fly went out of his mouth. “You’re place is not here.” There were other people in the house. He tried to take a look inside but Quaritch stopped him. “Go back! These ghosts don’t need you.” More flies coming out. “Stop bothering us, stop banging on old doors!” “I can’t go back. There’s no one there for me.” The laugh of a teenage boy. A strand of blond hair. The mirrored image of himself. A man who got better. Four voices laughing, calling. “Dad! Jakey! Little brother! Son!” He put one foot inside. More flies, mold, dirt, rubble.

“Jake, don’t!” He turned back and got startled by his own tail and blue skin. Miles was swimming towards him. “Wait! Don’t get inside!” Hugs from behind. A familiar scent in the air. “Silly boy, stop running away. Let’s go home.” Jake took his hand. The door of the house was closed.

He woke up. Four hours and fifty minutes. Shit. He had woken up on Quaritch's side of the bed. He took his pillow and hugged it to his chest, inhaling the demon's sweet scent one last time. He remembered the dream. He remembered how safe he felt in the end. But that’s all it was. A stupid dream. The tears inevitably made their appearance. He had kept his suffering hidden behind all those walls for so long that now, crying was a good thing. It calmed him down. Four hours and fifty six minutes.

"Goodbye, Miles." He got up and went to the door with the same speed as the demon. He took one of the backpacks, put the songcord in his jacket pocket and stopped in front of the door. Five hours. Come on! Get out! Go to them. They're waiting for you and will be happy to see you, even if you don't come alone. He took a step and stopped again. Freedom was right there. That's what you wanted, to get rid of him, to find an opportunity to run away. This is it! Run away! Run! Another step, another stop. Hide it, like you always did, and just move forward. You’ll learn to live without a mate. Maybe Norm and Max can fix your brain. They’ll figure something out. One step forward, half-step backwards. Full step backwards. And another. And another, until he fell to the ground on his knees, holding his head in his hands.

“What the fuck am I doing? I can’t leave. I can’t. I don’t want to. I don't...” Fleshes of memories, of dreams, and a swarm of emotions took over him. He let them consume his mind. He stopped fighting them. For once in his life he faced his worst fears.

“I want you to let me do one last thing before we return.” Jake nodded. Quaritch took his face in his warm palms. He slowly raised them until they covered Jake’s ears. His lips moved but Jake couldn’t hear a word, but the look on Quaritch face, the shimmer in his glazed eyes, made Jake sure of what the demon confessed. He pulled at his wrists.

“Say it again.” Quaritch turned away, averting his gaze. “Miles…”

“You’re not ready to hear that.”

“Hey! One night when I don’t fight back, that was the deal. So just spill-“

“I love you.” Jake hugged him, smiling like a fool. He pulled back, and kissed Miles deeply. Magnets for each others souls.

“I love you too. You heard me? I love you too! I-"

 "- love you too!"

Acceptance. A mountain of stones lifted from his soul.

"I don't wanna leave..."

He lowered his hands, caressing his belly with true affection for the first time. He felt so full of all that high feeling let in after so much time. 

“Our little miracle. You really are a fighter, kicking so strong after everything. You're a Sully after all…I’ll keep you safe. I’ll do better, to you and your siblings. I promise!” Five hours and seventeen minutes. Laughter. Colorful laughter at the ridiculousness of his life. “God, what am I doing?! If you could only see me now, mum... Me and Miles, and this little one..."

A familiar sound echoing from outside. The flapping of wings and the tired whine of an Ikran. They let him come back. The blow of the wind outside that had managed to enter the shack as well, brought a smell that made his stomach hurt in fear. Rotten. He was alone. There was no one else to help him. He took down his backpack and frantically searched it for anything. He cut his finger. Arrowheads. He took one and hid it in his palm.

“Going somewhere, buttercup?” A snarl. “I told him you were probably gonna run away the moment he turned his back.” He got inside, looking around. “But I see it took you some time to grow a pair back. Must be from getting used to that pussy.” He kicked the backpack to the side coming closer. For every step forward, Jake took one backwards.

“I wasn’t gonna leave.”

“Aha, just like you didn’t use the ultrasound. What did you do, Sully?”

“I looked at my child. Is that a crime now?”

“So it’s not a ‘plague’ anymore?” Jake hit the wall. He kept his hands behind his back.

“I care about the kid, and I care about him, just as he cares for me.” Lyle laughed.

“What did he do this time to make you think like that?” Jake raised his head, a defiant look in his eyes.

“He told me he loves me.” Fits of laughter from the hyena.

“Sorry to burst the bubble, Sully, but drug addicts love they’re drugs too. That’s all you are to him. Cut the source, problem solved. But it's funny hearing you say it.”

“I think I’m more than that. Jealous?”

“Sully… careful now. You forget who you’re talking to, you whore?”

“You hurt me, like you tried before, and he’ll destroy you.” Another step. Clenched fists.

“You still think he’ll choose a fucking rat over me?”

“He already did. Where is Miles, Lyle?” The demon closed the distances left between them, annoyance all over his face.

“You little bitch, you don’t get to qu-“ Jake raised the arrowhead , at first at his own neck. He doesn’t give a shit about you. He lowered it to his navel, the tip breaking skin.

“Where's Miles?”

“Drop it, Sully!” Lyle tried to catch his hand but Jake just pushed it deeper, the tiniest trickle of blood running down to his pants. Lyle raised his hands, taking a step back.

“He’s coming, alright? But the general's coming too. He sent me to make you look the part. So fucking drop it before you do something stupid.” The tip stayed where it was.

“Convenient that they somehow let you leave ahead of everyone else.”

“Who said I ever entered the base? In papers, one of us is always here, to reeducate you.” Jake didn’t budge. “We’re wasting time here, Sully! Drop it and do as I say!”

“Why is she coming here? Wasn’t it the whole reason he left, to avoid that from happening?”

“The general needs to see you, bones and flesh. She’ll decide if you’re worth the pain or if it’s easier to just waste you.” “They’ll kill you on sight.” “You want to live? You want to maybe see one day those other kids of yours? Give me that right now!” I need to fight for them.

He gave the arrowhead to Lyle, who threw it away. Hard slap across his face and Jake fell to the floor, catching himself on his hands and knees.

“That’s for using the kid. Try that shit again and I’ll break your fingers. Strip!” Jake didn’t move. A million of scenarios running in his mind. “You’re deaf, Sully?” “You’re deaf, boy?” “I said strip.” Deer in headlights. He felt Lyle’s hands on his skin, lowering his pants, pulling the tail out and Jake snapped.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” He turned around and kicked at the demon with his feet. Lyle caught him, bending him in half. Wretched scent flooding his nostrils.

“The more you fight, the more time we waste. Lay down and stop making things harder!” Pants down. T-shirt raised over his head. “Stay down!”

Lyle got up and went to get something from the fridge. He pulled out a bag of Quaritch's blood. He took the knife from his belt and sat down on his knees between Jake's legs. Opened bag. Blood in his palm. He ran his fingers through Jake's hair, on his braid. He made small cuts on Jake’s skin, all over his body, superficial cuts that barely bleed, adding more blood from the bag over them.

“Listen up, you little fucker. When they get here, you don’t talk with anyone, you don’t look anyone in the eyes. The only people you respond to are me or the Colonel.” Rough fingers tugging at his skin, pinching him until blood vessels surely popped. Nail scratches around the corner of his eyes, around the corners of his mouth, around the collar, over the scars on his wrists. “You need to hide the bump, suck it in. They see it, it's game over. You become RDA’s property again in a second.” “Never touch you…over my dead body…” Fog returning. Sweet pain mixed with dreadful fear. He let the numbness take over him again. Lyle’s hands. Cold blood. Quaritch’s scent. Pain. He felt slick coming out of him, but he couldn’t close his legs. Cold blood poured on long fingers that got lowered to his cunt. Jake caught Lyle’s wrist, lightly pulling at it, begging with his eyes.

“Don’t. He’ll see it through the bond.” Lyle broke free.

“You need to look the part. Except for the weight loss, no one would believe one word from those fucking reports if they take a look at you. So, be a man and fucking take it, Sully!” Redness painting his cunt, redness mixing with slick.

“Stop! He’ll hate you for this. He’ll never forgive you.” Two foreign fingers brushing with red paint his entrance. “I see it through the bond. He wants to trust you. You’re his only friend left. If you do this, it'll hurt him the same way as if I were to do something to the kid.” Wrong choice of words. Redness painting his insides.

“Why am I his only friend left, Sully? Whose fault is that?” Fingers out. More blood, circling around the rim of his ass. Jake fought everything in himself to stay still.

“I apologized. I’m sorry people died.”

“ ‘Sorry’ won’t bring them back.” Redness all over. He bit his lip to not hiss in pain. It’s your fault. He has the upper hand anyway. You fight him, he can just tie you and make it worse. Your fault! Yours! Maybe if you answered Miles you could’ve stop him from leaving. Maybe if you gave in earlier he would’ve been stricter with Lyle. Zipper pulled down. Knife’s blade over his inert pinky. Lyle’s dick resting on his thigh.

“Which one first?” First?!

“You can’t be serious! Let’s- let's just talk this out. You don’t have to do this.”

“The more you piss me off, the more things I’ll add. Choose, before I do it for you!” You can’t get out of this. If you’re afraid, it’ll just give him more satisfaction. Just take it.” Numbness. Mind gone, searching for memories, searching for escapes. He braced himself. Faceless expression. Lyle saw that. He grabbed the shirt and tied it over his eyes, at the back of his head.

“So you won’t say I’m not merciful, you bitch.” Darkness. He could work with that. It would be easier to slip away. “Which one?”

“The finger.”

Sharpness on the skin, pressure, and adrenaline in his veins. Natural anesthesia. He didn't feel anything at first, as if it hadn't happened. Then everything collapsed at once. A cold shiver pulsed through his flesh, followed by a warm one. The place of the wound throbbed, like the beating of the heart. And then, the pain came in waves. Tsunami after tsunami. But Jake kept his tongue in his mouth, gritting his teeth. Flicker of a lighted lighter. Lyle raised his hand and held the flame over the wound. Drops of blood were dripping on his bump. Blood on my blood. One last attempt.

“You can hurt the baby. I’m losing blood, I-“

“It’s barely a scratch.”

“You want me to say it, right? I’m scared! I’m scared of you. Shit-“ Burning pain. Boiling skin.  “You can make me lose it.”

“Zip it! It didn’t happen when your brain was scrapped on the floor, it won’t happen now either.”

“If it dies-“

“Shut it!”

“If it dies, it’s on your hands.” Like Neteyam. No no no don’t think of him don’t do it you’ll do something stupid

Hand over his mouth. Dick lined up with his cunt. Blood and mucus and precum. The demon spread his legs further, pushed the head of the dick inside and Jake was buried in numbness. It's just like the first memory of dad hitting me. It hurts at first but it will go away. It has to. It always does. This is no different. It’s just the same! Just the same! Fuck slow down fucker piece of shit he’ll cut your dick off you fucking waste of a- fuck fuck shit it burns  It’s ok. It’s nothing. It’s just like those times with Oliver. Fast and rough and fucking plain. You used to like it… He threw Jake’s legs over his shoulder, digging his claws into his hips. Mark me you fucking idiot! In any way possible so I can show him. He’ll skin you. I’ll kill you. Slow do- Hand pressing down on his collar. It’s fine. It’s fine. It doesn’t even hurt. You're stronger than this you Shit fuck finish already

He let out tears, wailing under the heavy palm, and Lyle removed it to hear him. He let out small sobs. Come already you fucker It’s fine. It’s fine. Sobs and darkness. He started seeing dots of light from how hard he squeezed his eyes shut. Spinning circles. Three women dancing. He wanted to grab their hands. Split in two. Knot shoved painfully with each thrust. Miles will make it go away. He’ll make me forget it. He loves me. He’ll help me. He’ll take care of me. The sound of skin slapping on skin. He felt paralyzed, unable to move a single muscle. Miles help me Please help me I don’t want this I can’t do this I want to…to…”sometimes you make me hate being alive” He came all over Jake’s belly, grunting and panting like a pig. Jake’s legs were dropped. His ears buzzed. He removed the shirt, scrunching his face at the sudden light. He kept looking at the ceiling, he couldn’t face anything else.

“I’ll go throw these somewhere. Don’t fucking move! They can get here any minute now.” As if he could actually do it. Catatonic state of mind. All he could think of was Quaritch. A faint whistle in the distance. “Sully, we’re good now.” Jake lifted his right arm, focusing on looking at the watch, not above his wrist. Six hours and eleven minutes. Haziness. Smell of dirt and blood and rot. Darkness stole his vision. 

He went there on his own only once, when he was at his lowest, when not even Tommy’s words helped him see any light in the endless tunnel that was his life. He drank too much that night and after every shot and every empty can of cheap beer, he asked himself ‘why’ and he could only hear his father’s words in his ears. Seventeen year old soul walking for too long on the face of earth.

Cold air, early Spring, green fumes surrounding the edge of the city. Marble stones. Jocelyn Sully.

“Get out of there! Get out!” Stumbling feet. A mock of a person. “You left me here. You left us. You choose him instead of us. Get out! Wake up!” Soil under nails. Punches awakening the undisturbed. “Come back! I need to see you. They didn’t let us see you. Come on! Let’s go home!” He laid face down. Sinner on a cross. “Let’s go home, mommy! Get out of there! I’m sorry. Don’t leave me. Come back!”

There were hands touching him, a light passing his vision, mumbles of different voices. People. Humans in medical clothes. Two soldiers, one on each side of his head, pointing guns at him. His tail was wrapped around someone’s arm. Don’t look them in their eyes. He staid limp. The General was there, but he barely spared a second lo look at her. He kept looking past them, through the glass panels, in hope to see his face.

“All vital signs are good. He responds to visual and auditory signals. He has a deficiency of calcium and iron, but it is nothing to worry about. He is not dehydrated, on the contrary, his kidneys are in perfect condition. The glucose level is stable.” Why can’t I see him? Where is he?

“Open skin wounds are superficial, so there shouldn't be that much blood around them. There are a few bruises here and there. The most concerning one is on his buttocks. The missing finger is recent. We’re talking one or two hours. He presents insertions of needles in his arms, but he checked clean for the drug tests we have. The anus shows no signs of damage and there is no open wound that would explain the blood. Likewise for the vaginal canal, although there are traces of a recent penetration. The scar tissues on his back, wrists and ankles are all old.” I need him. I need him.

“Your conclusion, doc?”

“Ma’am, so far, we're not looking at an avatar that was supposedly tortured non-stop for almost four months.”

“The blood sample from around his wounds matched our system. It’s Colonel’s Miles Quaritch, Ma’am.”

There was a sudden dreadful silence all around him, until the doctor gasped.

“Can you check again his hCG?” Finger poked. Analysis on portable medical computers.

“He’s pregnant.” No no no no “Thirteen weeks old. Male fetus.” A boy. I have a boy.

“Did he put up any fight?”

“He’s unresponsive ma’am. We found him unconscious. But we can sedate him.”

“That’s all I needed to hear. Prepare him for extraction. I have some demotions to make.”

“Yes, Ma’am!” Where is he? Where the fuck is he? The soldiers pulled him up and followed the General out. The nurse was preparing a syringe. A doctor, a nurse and a soldier. Three cockroaches. Three grasshoppers he could crush under his feet. “Which one first?” He felt rage down in the marrow of his bones. There was only red in front of his eyes, for Lyle, for the humans touching him, for the General. Rage for his miserable life, for being taken away from his children, for the new fear of losing the life inside him.

Everything lasted fractions of a second. He got rid of the doctor first, he only had to push her head back enough to break her neck. Before the nurse made a sound, he already had her skull in his hand. He threw her in the soldier. He pounced on both of them, smashing their heads on the floor. They had no chance. The fool had a gun on his belt, a pistol. In his big hands, it looked like a toy. He hastily threw his pants on him. His hand was still shaking from the wound. When he stepped outside, the wave of anger clouded his mind again. Quaritch and Lyle were on their knees with their hands behind their heads. Four soldiers around them. Guns to the temples, taser guns to the throats. "Drop the gun right now!" Howls. Howls of cockroaches in his ears.

"Don't kill him, he's still valuable! Tell him to drop his weapon, Colonel!"

Jake aimed at them. His blood was boiling in his veins.

"If you shoot, we shoot, Sully, and we start with him." They electrocuted Quaritch, and he fell to the ground in convulsions.

Something instead caught his attention. Lyle was frantically wagging his tail from side to side, his ears laid back. When their eyes met, there was enough time for Lyle to let out a whisper only for Jake to hear. "Get down." He quickly dropped to his heels. Elbows and punches and a gun shot.

"Get us out of here!" The woman ran away into the thicket. Prey. Jake fired at one of the soldiers still standing over Quaritch's body. He missed. He ran towards him, and threw him into the air, hitting him against a tree. Quaritch had recovered enough to kill the last one, punches and gunfire and a thud.

Quaritch was talking to him but Jake couldn't hear. Primal instincts. Anger. So much anger ripping out of him. He slipped under Quaritch's arm and just ran after Ardmore. Violent thoughts. The rage of all those months finally catching up with him. He wished only for one thing. Blood. He quickly caught up with her. Hunter and prey. Na'vi and human. She took out her gun.

"I won't hesitate, Sully. Stand back!"

"Me neither." He circled her slowly, step by step, looking for the right opportunity.

"You think you'll gain something if you kill me? If it won't be me, it will be others. Humanity has to win."

"Humanity lost from the moment it set foot on Pandora." There were rocks behind her. It annoyed him how correct her posture was. She followed his every move.

"Quaritch is compromised. I don't know what happened here, but he must be eliminated. But you, the avatar in you, can be saved. Surrender!" A plant covered his right hand. He bent down more and took a handful of dirt.

"Burn in hell, bitch!"

He threw the dirt at her. Gun fire. Bullet that went past his ear. The movements of a lion ready to defend its cub. The movements of a pathetic human who knew she was gonna see her end. He put her on the ground. Murderer’s hands. He grabbed her by the neck and hit her head against the rocks. Again and again and again. Blood. Bone fragments flying in all directions. Brain scattered, pieces flying on his face. An unquenchable thirst for revenge. Screams of his own voice deafening him. He was left with only a paste between his fingers, but he didn't stop hitting. He couldn't. Animalistic sounds. A changed man, a soul that will never be the same again.

“Enough! Enough!” Familiar scent grabbing him from behind, pulling him from the remains. He struggled to get free, to do more damage. “Enough, Jake! She’s dead.” Quaritch turned him around, pinning him to the ground. “Calm down. You’re safe.” But Lyle was there too. The shadow of his demon. Rage. Rage Rage. He trashed in Quaritch hold, barring his teeth, hissing and spitting.

“You killed my son! I’ll kill you! I’ll eat you alive!” He managed to slip from Quaritch’s hold, punching him in the face. Open window. Opportunity. Feral growls. He grabbed Quaritch’s knife and threw himself at Lyle. It was Jake’s time to have the upper hand. Punches dodged. Knife slashes hitting the target. A kick at the demon’s knee and he got him on the ground, straddling his lap. Hand taking hold of the kuru, knife blade under the base of it. One clean cut.

“You don't deserve to have this, demon.”

Before he could cut it off, he felt a searing pain in his stomach, in his mind, numbing his hand on the blade. He cried out in pain, dropping the knife. Quaritch caught him before he could fall to the ground.

“Jake! Jake, calm down. Lyle, you’re hurt?”

“Just a few cuts.”

“Then get the fuck out of here! We’ll regroup later. Head to the old base.” Steps walking away.

“Jake, look at me! Calm down and look at me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know.” Clenched teeth. “I never felt that.” Quaritch hugged him to his chest, rocking him gently. Jake couldn't smell his scent due to all the blood covering them. Quaritch might have noticed that too, as he lifted Jake’s face to take a better look at him. Jake could see himself in the reflection of the comets. He looked like a monster.

“Does it still hurt?”

“No.”

“You just panicked, princess. Listen, let’s go back and wash you off quickly. We need to get out of here.”

“I need to tell you something, Miles! You have to know!”

“Later. You’ll tell me later. We can’t stay here long. Come on.”

“No, you have to listen-“

“Jake! I said something. Listen to me, boy!” “Listen to me, boy!” His heart ached. He felt small again.

“Alright.” Don’t get mad at me.

The whole way back unfolded like a tape with black frames. He couldn't have said whether Quaritch had spoken to him or what he'd seen in his path. His mind was no longer there. A ghost carried in arms. He recovered when the jet of water touched his skin, when Quaritch's touches made him no longer tense. Quaritch washed him and his gaze tried to put the puzzle pieces of those hours together.

"Jake, who did this to you?" Only then he looked at his right hand for the first time. Four fingers. Pain. He barely found strength to answer him.

“Who do you think?”

The water kept rushing down, taking away the cum stain from his stomach, but the steam lingered the smell in the air, enough for their noses to pick up a sniff of it. He felt his checks burning. He put more soup in Quaritch’s palm.

“There’s blood in me… everywhere.”

Quaritch cleaned him. He cleaned away his hurt, his pain. He took away his suffering.

“You left me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“He touched me, he-“

“Don’t! Don’t say it! I know. It was a mistake. I thought I could buy us more time in this place. The doctor wasn’t supposed to come… I’m sorry, Jake!” Water droplets. Tear droplets. “My sweet, boy. I’ve got you, Jake!” “My sweet, boy. Mommy got you, Jakey!” Split mind, torn between present and past.

Quaritch did not let go of him even for a moment. He carried him back to their bedroom, being careful that Jake didn't see or step on the dead bodies on the floor. He dressed him in clean clothes and they both lay on the bed hugging each other for a few minutes. Their last minutes in the place that had changed everything between them. They looked at each other, each with their own flame extinguished by pain. Too much pain. He blocked it off, pushing it far back in his mind, somewhere, just like he did with anything painful in his life. He needed a distraction. 

"I have something good to tell you, Miles." Quaritch pulled him closer, caressing his neck.

"Tell me."

"We're going to have a boy." Rain of stars breaking through a cloudy sky. Primordial kisses. Constellations upon constellations. Three hearts in one place. Soft hands over an expending tiny universe.

“You’re… happy about it?” Tremor of the voice, just like he acted at the lake.

“Of course I am. Eywa gifted us a miracle.” A son for the sons we lost in all this madness. 

They gathered a few more things afterwards, ready to leave. One more look in the bedroom and it felt unreal to just leave that place. An unexpected bitter goodbye. Quaritch was ready to leave too.

“Aren’t you gonna take the photo?” Quaritch looked back at the night stand and then at Jake.

“I don’t need it anymore.”

Jacket with the songcord inside. Backpacks on their backs. One last look at everything, at the table and chairs, at the cuffs, at the surgical table, at the mattress. It sent shivers down his spine. It felt so wrong to leave. It felt wrong to live all that behind, just like that, like it meant nothing, like as if it wasn't the place that turned their lives upside down. The place that brought the two of them together. The place that forever changed the way in which he looked at the man in front of him, his mate, his lover, the father of his child.

“One more thing.” Quaritch ran his fingers over the collar. He untied it and let it drop to the floor. “You don’t need that either.”

They walked out hand in hand. From outside, for the first time, the place felt even smaller than it was and his mind wandered, far away, to his brother and a house with a white fence, a porch and a willow tree. He could still fell the ghosts, carried by the winds, watching over him.

“Where to now?”

“Somewhere to lay low for a while. We’re gonna make Hell’s Gate a visit.”

Chapter Text

The most dangerous thing in the world is a man left alone with his thoughts. The moment they flew off, and the shack was left behind, it was as if a spell broke, a veil was lifted from his eyes. He came in that place with cuffs around his wrists, with his heart and body torn apart from grief, from loss. He lost so much. He left freely, hand in hand with the demon that turned his life upside down, with shackles around his heart, with acceptance and affection pumping through his veins, with life.

But that’s not everything he took with him. There was still rage inside, a secret fire bursting out of his pores at all the violent thoughts that crossed his mind.

He saw rivers of blood, crushed skulls, cut limbs, split tongues, bodies ripped in two. He saw fire, buildings collapsing to the ground in piles of ashes, the fall of a civilization. He saw the temptation of a snake, a brother lifting a stone, an arch, two cities eradicated out of sin, plagues wiping away the dirtiness of the world.

He saw bullet wounds piercing blue skin, open flesh. He heard unforgettable screams. He saw two brothers drifting apart and it felt too soon, as if it was yesterday, as if there was no distinguishable difference between the brother and the son.

They flew all day. They took short breaks for the ikran to rest from the weight of both of them and for Jake to lie down, stretch and drink water. Quaritch didn’t spoke much to him. He understood that Jake needed some peace and quiet after everything that had happened. But apart from that, Jake also needed space, and he wasn't getting that. Quaritch held him in his arms, held him by the wrists, by the waist. He had only escaped from his hands for a few minutes, and even then Quaritch was watching him like an eagle.

Jake understood to some extent. Quaritch was scared. They were on their own, they had almost nothing on them, they had killed one of the most important people in Bridgehead, they had no shelter left. And Quaritch was left vulnerable with the fact that he had to put his trust in Jake. He no longer had his 'weapons' at hand. They had to go on without handcuffs, without chains, without sleeping drugs, without physical restraints.

In the evening, they sheltered at the base of a gorge, where Jake had spotted a cave in the mountain, big enough to protect them from the dangers of the night. They argued over the fire, but in the end Jake won. Attracting attention was the last thing Quaritch wanted. The nights were already quite cold. In that area, the temperature wouldn't have dropped more, but it was enough to make you shiver. They ate some fruit Jake found at their stops, Jake trying to put some distance between them, but no matter where he sat, Quaritch was right on his tail. Jake couldn't sit still. He would've walked on foot all the way to Hell's Gate, maybe even further. His mind still raced with all kinds of dark scenarios. He walked in circles around the cave trying to drive them away. Everything annoyed him, the material of his clothes, the belly that seemed to hang heavier, the strands of hair that had grown and poked him in the eyes, the swinging of Quaritch's tail, his breathing.

“Can you shut up?”

“I wasn’t saying anything, princess.” More steps, another lap. “Maybe you should sit down. You need to rest. The baby needs to rest.”

“Shut the fuck up! You know shit about kids or pregnancy or what I need!” Flaming arrows piercing new open hearts, making them shut in themselves.

“I thought we left that place on better terms. Why the sudden pissy attitude?” Tell him. Tell him the truth. He might be able to help. What do you have to lose?…Sanity

“I- I keep remembering what happened today and…” big breath “I can’t get over it.” Quaritch nodded, tension on his face and he motioned Jake to come closer. Jake kept standing in front of him, a few good steps away.

“Do you think this will help?” Quaritch asked bringing his kuru forward. Jake fidgeted.

“I won’t be able to hold anything back.” A reluctant nod. Tendrils connecting with tendrils. One mind. One soul. He stepped back as much as their kurus allowed. Feelings overwhelmed him, he couldn't focus on just one moment. The whole conversation with Lyle had mixed with the rest of that day, with his thoughts, and Quaritch saw and felt everything. Until his vision went black and he could only feel. Hands on the neck, on the hips. The warm breath on his neck. Pain. Thrust. Pain. Quaritch growled. Twitching of the wound. The burn. Pain.

"Show me, Jake! I want to see."

"You have nothing to see. He covered my eyes first and then..."

With all that undisputed truth, he didn't feel the hatred from Quaritch that he expected. In the demon there was only sadness, doubt and remorse. “You still think he’ll choose a fucking rat over me?” Jake pushed forward the moment and the feelings again, and again, even though it hurt more and more every time he did it.

“Alright, stop.” But Jake didn’t. Finger gone. Hold of the hips. Thrusts. Pain. Pain. Fear. “Jake, enough.”

“Why aren’t you upset?”

“I am, is just-“

“No, you're not!” He doesn’t care. He cares about his fucking dog. He keeps lying and you keep believing him, just as you believe dad would change, just

“I care! I’m not lying to you, you stupid boy.” He took Jake’s hand in his, squeezing lightly. “I am furious… at myself. It’s my fault. I thought I could get us another month or two without them breathing down my neck. I panicked when I heard Ardmore say that she wanted to see you in person. She was just supposed to look from afar and see that you took commands well. The fucking ass-lickers of hers suggested to bring the doc. I barely got a moment alone to talk to him through the comms. I sent him. I-“ He tried to bring Jake closer, but he stood his ground. “I told him to use the blood, to rough you up a bit, but never to touch you that way... never to...” Another tag, another resistance to be pulled closer. “I never thought that he’d still do it… after everything I told him-…Come here, princess.“ He stepped back, pulling his hand away from the demon’s grip.

“Well, it fucking happened. What are you gonna do about it?”

“Right now? I want you to calm down and get over here-“

“You piece of shit! You’re still defending him!” Quaritch got up. Burning comets.

“Don’t put words in my mouth! You want to anger me, boy?” No. Yes. No. Don’t be mad, not at me. Jake tried to break their connection, but Quaritch got a hold of both of their braids, holding them tightly. He raised them above his head, forcing Jake to come closer. “I’ll make him pay for what he did, alright? Get your ass over here and sit down.”

“You’re lying.” A rat and a dog. He’ll always choose the dog.

“Jake! Don’t make me come over there.” “Fucking brats, don’t make me come over there!” “Come here!” Legs suddenly moving on their own. It felt strange, like it wasn’t his decision. “Sit down.” He fought it. There was something in the demon’s voice, in the anger through the bond, nudging at his nerves.

“I don’t want to. Let me-“

“Sit! SIT DOWN!” Image popping up in his head. Invisible strings maneuvering him and he found himself kneeling at the demon’s feet. He looked up and read the astonishment on the demon's face.

“Don’t ever do that again! Break it! Break the connection.”

“You knew about this?”

“Miles… please, break the bond.” Split of the soul and mind. Integrity of one’s self. Quaritch kneeled as well, toying with his kuru. Jake couldn’t allow the demon to dwell on it too long. “What you just did was extremely wrong. It’s a sin in Eywa’s eyes. The purpose of a bond isn't to control your mate with it.”

“I didn’t know we could do that.” Please drop it. Please. Jake removed the demon’s kuru and intertwined their fingers. He let his forehead touch the demon’s knuckles.

“We're not meant to do that. There are Na’vi out there, exiled from their clans for abusing powers like this one, for turning against Eywa’s will. Outcasts of this world. It happened when the humans first arrived on Pandora. They thought Eywa turned Her back on the people, so they rebelled against the old ways. We heard they do even more unimaginable things…”

“Where are these Na’vi?”

“Up north, in the barren lands destroyed by volcanic activities. That’s why we can’t go there.” He was shivering, but not from the cold. “Do you understand? And it’s not a toy for you to bend my mind with. It’s dangerous. It’s wrong.”

“Alright, I won’t do it again. I didn’t know.” A soft kiss on top of his head. “I only wanted you to come here so I can hold you. Can I do that now?” Words he never thought would come out of Quaritch’s mouth. He leaned forward, lifting Jake’s shirt, kissing all over his bump. He lifted him by the hips and brought him in his lap. Jake let go of the anger, of the fear, and hugged Quaritch with all he had, burying his head in the crook of the demon’s neck. Quaritch hugged him back just as tightly.

“I won’t let things as they are, ma muntxatan.”

“You better not… I want things to keep getting better between us, Miles.”

“Do you? What happened to what you said at the lake?” Jake turned around, so Quaritch could hold the bump. His scent was so intoxicating and relaxing.

“I got time to think… I stayed, Miles, and I won’t lie to you, for a moment I thought of running away. But running never did me any good in my life. Plus, I made a promise to you and I really intend to keep my word.”

“Was the promise the only thing that stopped you?” There was sadness in his voice. Soft touches on his bump.

“No.” My past did. Their mistakes. “I thought of the kid. He'll need both of us. And it’s not only that…” It should've been easier now to say the words out loud, yet something was still holding him back. “I-“ Say it. “drug addicts love they’re drugs too. That’s all you are to him. Cut the source, problem solved.” “I want to think that the kid is not the only reason why you have those feelings for me.” Quaritch stopped rubbing his belly.

“Why do you say that?”

“If I didn’t get pregnant, if you didn’t find out about it, if you didn’t think the baby would be in danger because of my sickness, would you've still taken me to the Tree? Would I still be free as I am now or would you've kept me there, tied, starved?…”

“You got the songcord, right? Give it to me.” The piece of leather with ornaments whose meanings he did not know weighted heavily in his pocket. He handed it to Quaritch, remembering his own songcord that probably laid somewhere at the bottom of the sea. “This right here, is the closest proof that I’m trying to do better, Jake. You want the raw truth? It started as revenge. I despised you, I wanted to crush your skull under my fingers. But the months with Spider taught me something important. That I have a say in my actions, that these memories of a past life shouldn’t dictate who I am. I didn’t think it would be this fucking hard to separate myself from who I was before.”

He laid his chin on Jake’s shoulder. He untied the ring from the string. Jake's heart began to beat wildly.

“Everything I said at the lake is true. This tiny part, that anger that comes out of me at times, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of it completely. But to answer your question… you'd still be free, even if you didn’t carry my child. I wanted you, I wanted to have you. That's why I stopped forcing things on you, why I waited for you to want the bond.”

“You were still a dick about it.”

“Don’t ruin it, Sully! I’m tryna say something here.” he said laughing. “I wonder how you made it this far with that big mouth of yours.”

“Come on, that’s what you love about me.” Quaritch turned him around again, cupping his face in his palm.

“I love more than that.” Between them there was a nebula, which pulled the comets from their eyes to collide thousands of times in the vast and unfathomable universe. If he had died, he would've wanted to be reborn in the stardust of Miles' golden irises. Lost in there, he forgot what was outside of that cave. He forgot about all the people in the world. It was just the two of them.

“What I said to you in the end stands true. And I know you won’t say it back. Hell, maybe I shouldn’t have said it but… in that moment, it felt right.” Left hand lifted with utmost care, like the most delicate thing in the world. The ring was tossed and turned, eventually finding its way near his finger. “I want you to have this, and I know it’s not the Na’vi way, but at our core we’re still humans… and it’s what we did to show our...” Devotion. Gold upon blue skin and it was beautiful. It felt royal, it felt like something he shouldn't have. He stared at it, getting used to the weight, the smooth texture.

“I’ve never seen gold up close before this.” Golden band. Golden promises. He twisted it around. “I’m surprised it fits.”

“They modified it, added to it. They wanted us to have as many things from our previous lives as we could, and I asked for it specifically. It was my father’s, who had it from his father and so on…family jewel. I meant to give it to Spider, for when he’ll find that special person, but it wouldn’t fit him now…” Thumbs running circles under his navel. “But one day, this little one can steal it from you... Our son…How did you even find out?”

“That doctor told Ardmore. Anyway, I’m glad it’s a boy.” A kiss to seal in time the truthiness of the moment. But Jake stopped him afterwards, before it could go any further. “Look, we haven’t really talked about some important aspects regarding the baby, and I don’t know how to put it without you thinking I’m trying something…”

“Tell me, princess.”

“Alright. But I need you to let me finish talking before you interrupt me and try to listen. It’s important.” Kiss on his check.

“I’m all ears.” Jake let out a sight. Here goes nothing.

“We, right now, just the two of us, can manage to live and get by with the little that we have. But things will change, rapidly.” Quaritch shifted his legs. “Soon enough, sooner than we'lll expect, I won’t be able to help you with physical stuff without risking it. And then there’s the whole giving birth, which I don’t really wanna think about, but I have to because Miles, I don’t even know if I can do it on my own. I-“

“You have the parts… why shouldn’t you?”

“Having the parts doesn’t mean-… complications may happen. You know this. I’m not your age.” Grimaces and frowns. The tail swinging nervously behind. “Besides, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to feed this kid. I don’t know what this body will allow or not.” Noisy inhalations and tapping of fingers on the rock floor.

“You’re done? Well then, what exactly you suggest we do?” He asked between his teeth. He was struggling to hold himself from lashing out.

“Nothing now. But I’ll need help at some point, Miles. Maybe- maybe everything we’ll go smoothly, but we can’t know that. And you have to be aware that there's a chance that without proper care… we can lose-“

“Don’t finish that!” I will cause you need to hear it.

“We can lose him. You can even lose me.” Growls. Held wrist.

“You want me to tell you the rest of what you want to say? I’ll take a wild guess. I should take you to your wife, right? I should take you back to your clan or your science friends.”

“I didn’t say that, Miles.”

“You don’t have to say it for me to get it, Jake.”

“It was just food for thought, ok?” 

“… 'food for thought'… You know the answer is “no” and you keep pushing the same fucking-… You know why is that. Do I have to repeat myself?”

“Miles, I didn’t mean-“

“Do I?!”

“No.” The demon was shaking. His hold on Jake’s wrist was sure to leave some bruises. Jake tried to calm him down. You tried. Might as well drop it for good. Show him you care. Show him he can trust you. “Forget I even mentioned it. I don’t want another horrible night. I want to forget most of today happened, to remember only the good parts.” He touched again the ring. “Thank you for giving me this!”

Quaritch grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and pulled him close until their foreheads touched. He was breathing deeply. His eyes had a shine that grew with the tears.

"Understand, boy, I can't lose you! You are everything now. Don’t get me started with the kid… but you… you, Jake!" He sighed, running a hand through Jake's hair. “I know what you're trying to tell me, I'm not that fucking oblivious, but you tie my hands behind my back every time, because I can't take you there. They'd take you right away. I'd never see you again. They'd take my child and I’ll never let that happen again.”

“Okay, Miles. We- We will think of something else. I'm not going anywhere."

“… I believed you before…”

“What do you mean?”

“This feelings, they- shit... All these feelings didn't come out of the blue... I first saw you that day, rolling in late for the briefing, and I told myself that I need to get you under my wing. You got that flame in your eyes, that will to live. My biggest mistake was to let you out there with Augustine… I got you your legs back…”

“I remember.”

“I didn’t want to tell you cause I assumed you didn’t want pity, but I paid for the surgery.”

“Miles…”

“Fuck the money if that’s what you think! Wasn’t 'bout that, but the principle. I took care of my own. I was all excited for you, and you were excited to become one of them... It hurt. Paz was about to give birth, at any moment, and I was sitting in my office sulking over a twink.”

If one could die of too much sincerity, Quaritch would probably be dead by now. It was reassuring to know that Quaritch really spoke from the heart though. He had no way of faking all those outbursts of emotion.

"Well, if it still means anything, just know that the 'twink' liked you too..."

They were both physically and mentally exhausted. But even with all the fatigue in him, his thoughts did not give him peace. In front of his eyes was only blood, and crushed brains, broken necks, and darkness, so much unavoidable darkness. He only felt the weight of another body on top of his. Details upon details that permeated him the more he thought and remembered. He laid his head on Quaritch's chest. He wanted to hear his heart. He was trying to convince himself that it was real, that he was with him. He felt pathetic, so small and scared, like when he'd been left without his parents, like when he had to face the world with only Tommy. He had to tell him. He had to tell someone, anyone. It was burning him on the inside, and he could no longer bear to keep the ball of fire and fear in. It would've killed him.

“I know I'm gonna sound like a child, nowhere near an ex-marine but... I was so scared. I thought every second that you'd come and rip him away from my body. I screamed for you in my mind, thinking you can somehow hear me." Tight hug and caresses on his tense back.

“I’ve got you, Jake. I’m sorry! I won’t let anyone touch you again.”

"I wanted to die at the end."

"Sh, don't say that, please don't."

But he couldn't let himself bury all that pain again, there wasn't a place for it anymore. He had to let it out.

"I wanted to disappear, to sink into the ground, to go find my mother and lay down there next to her."

"You're safe, you're with me now." My mind is not safe.

"I see them all the time, my parents. I think of them all day and night, and I don't know how to stop. The sickness turned my mind into a Rubik’s cube and no matter how hard I try, I can’t put the pieces back in order. I can’t let the memories in the past. I can’t be my old self no more. And besides all that, I cannot stop thinking about you too.” The scent of his mate. His heart. His good parts. The memories with Spider. His care for the baby. Their shared smiles and tiny happy moments. Their passion. Tell him the truth. “You haunt my every thought, every dream. I had all the signs all this time and I didn't want to believe that they were real.” Hummingbird wings. A beach and an atokirina. Dreams of happiness, of a family. Tell him. “You told me I’ll need you and I thought you were crazy at the time. How could I’ve accepted that from you? But I do. I need you. You’re the only one who can make my pain go away, the only one who knows what’s right for my mind. You were right. So right, all along.”

“My sweet boy.” Fingers wiping away the hot tear running along his nose.

The death of an honest man. A sinner finding redemption in the devil. He lifted his head, searching for the burning comets to cleanse his soul. Say it or you’ll go insane.

“But it’s not just ‘need’. There's also ‘want’ and that’s what scared me the most. To want something that I shouldn’t have.” A star was reborn in his soul, and burned until all his arteries were scorched. “Then I had you, your body, your mind, your heart.” Yet I barely gave you something in return. "one swore with his heart and one swore only with his body." “And when I waited there, in front of that open door, I realized that, for me, to have something… means…” Say it. “…to love it.” Time stood still as well as his mind, his heart, his breathing. Quaritch was silently crying, tears dripping down his face, but his gaze was utterly focused on Jake and his every word. “And I love you.” Glaciers melting in the dead of the night. “I don’t care anymore if it’s right or wrong, if it’s real or made up. It doesn’t matter. All I know is that there’s this burning feeling inside me for you and if that’s love, then I guess… I’m in love with you, Miles.” It reverberated inside the cave. An echo, a chorus of the truth being let out into existence. Lips brushing upon lips and he melted into the kiss.

“Say it again.”

“I’m in love with you. I love you, Miles!” It feels good. It’s right. It has to be… It has to.

They collapsed on each other in passionate kisses, in endless embraces, in a dreamlike freedom of their emotions. Everything that had seemed wrong before was so right and willing. He had a reconciled soul. Be that as it may. And if they were going to burn, he preferred that they burn together.

“Am I crazy?” Tongue shoved deep down his throat. “Are we crazy?” Moans and spit. Open arms. Let the devil in and say ‘thank you, let’s do it all over again’. “Did you actually break me?”

“Even if we are, isn’t madness the best way to go out of this world?”

Madness. Their madness. It feels right. It did. Like the last resort in cutting an ear of a desperate man. Like the swirl pools seen from an upside down mirror of a starry night. Like the calmness of a church without a candle light. Like a willow tree casting shadows without its dripping tears. Like the most pious man carrying an upside down cross. Once he was the man, and now he was just the gesture.

“Help me heal, Miles. Please!”

“No more begging, princess. I’ll take care of you.”

They were too clothed and too naked at the same time. Missing layers. Constellations illuminating their true nature in the dead of night, in their bubble, before Eywa. Consciousnesses connected in one. They didn't want sex, they wanted that ‘something’ of theirs that electrified the air around, that wouldn't let them take their hands off each other. Miles kissed every star on his skin, from his neck to his four fingers. He traced every scar or wound with his lips and kissed every single one made by his hand. He filled Jake’s mind with happy memories and thoughts, with them at the lake, with Jake smiling and laughing, being himself.

But darkness still lurked at the edges of the mind.

Jake, instead, filled his with the image of a cube. Four perfectly symmetrical sides of metal, surrounded by a void, in which a hunting dog and a rat hunted each other. And the rat did nothing to defend itself. It stood there with its eyes closed as if the dog's fangs were not going to tear it in two, as if the excess saliva was not flowing like incense on its body. Edelweiss flower stained with the blood of a soul that cherished it, and torn from its roots by someone who hated its power.

You just stood there under him and did nothing. You opened your legs. Fucking slut. You did nothing to stop him.

“Jake, focus on me.” Drags of fingers over dirty layers of skin. Bulge nudging on his thigh. Splatter brain over neural connections. Slut. You deserved it. Only thing you’re good at… He should’ve let the whole team have a go with you, make you useful, put you in your fucking place. She died just so you can be a whore.

“Hey! Stop thinking that! You’re with me. You’re safe.” More desperate touches of reassurance. More sweet scorching kisses. Images fighting over dominance in two stubborn brains, one seeking self-destruction, one seeking redemption.

They died because you didn’t deserve them. You ruined everything! You ruin everyone’s life! If you didn’t act like the monster that he was, maybe you wouldn’t have turned Tommy away. Maybe Tommy would be alive. It’s my fault for everything. Mine.

“Jake, stop! Eyes on me!” Stardust. Sensory overload. Getting wet for the enemy. You deserved getting raped. You deserved everything he'd ever done to you. You deserve worse. Fuck me. Use me. Kill me. Slit my thro-

Raised palm. Unexpected sting. His upper arm hurting just like the old times, right in the favorite spot, right were a tribal tattoo hid away un unspoken secret. He got hit again, and again, until his mind became unbalanced, caught in a limbo of the present and the past. He was aware of who was helping him, he had seen Miles' worried look followed by determination. But with each slap, the frame in front of him changed. The motor oil-soaked hand rose above him, angry green eyes pierced his heart. He was being punished for something but he couldn’t remember for what. I’m sorry I won’t do it again I’m sorry don’t get mad at me please love me I just want you to love me

Face down on the cold floor of the cave, arm in flames, nails pinching on his thigh, near the base of his tail. Sting after sting.

Hit behind his ear, nail pinches on his elbows, rough hand splicing open the skin on his arms, nose bridge held between dirty fingers until iron come out.

“Dad, stop.” He couldn’t think no more. There was just pain. Blank state of mind. “Daddy, I’m sorry! Please! I didn't mean it, dad. Please...”

 He was hugged by strong hands. He could feel them. He could see them in his mind. Caresses on violet skin. Soft smiles.

“You’re gonna be fine, Jake. I-… Dad got you boy.” He wrapped his hands around his neck and he tried to believe. “I’m proud of you.” He believed. “I love you too.” He believed. Veil lifted. Electrifying mind shield gone and he was only himself again. Feather in the wind. He lifted his left hand, the metal on his finger catching a glimmer of blue light from outside. A ring. Honey scent filling up the air around him. Blue striped skin. The safety felt in his bones.

"Miles? Fuck. I did it again, didn't I?"

“Mhm.”

Bare skin on bare skin. The wetness between his legs running down Quaritch's thigh.

“Shit! Were we- Shit. I ruined it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing. Stop apologizing.”

“Did I say anything? I feel like I was saying something.” Quaritch was already gathering his clothes back to dress him. He seemed distant.

“No, you just stared. Come on, you need to sleep.”

They prepared a place behind a notch in the rock, large enough to protect from the wild chill of the air outside. He brought the backpack and lay down with his head on it. He thought Quaritch would follow him, but the demon left his things and headed for the cave entrance.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to... think. I'll be back in a moment. "It was easy to notice that something happened, but Jake was too tired to really care. Whatever had happened, he was sure it'd been something good in some way, because his mind was at ease. He turned on his side, looked at Quaritch leaning on his shoulder against the edge of the stone. There was something about him in that lighting, about his posture, that made Jake to reconsider the man. He wasn’t 'the Colonel', the military commander. He wasn’t “Quaritch”, the ruthless, heart-stoned person. He was Miles. He was his. I told him the truth and now he knows. It'll be okay. I'll make him see more of the truth. He fell asleep with the golden ring held close against his chest, smiling softly.

A raven flew over a field of poppies, flapping its wings in a dizzying dance, the petals breaking off one by one in its stormy path. He croaked noisily until all the living things knew they must stay hidden in the ground. Another raven followed him closely from behind, a bird's skull rotting in its claws. Above them, red clouds gathered.

He wanted to say that he slept well, but he kept waking up throughout the night. Each time he expected Quaritch to be lying next to him, but he didn't move from the cave entrance at all. In the morning, Jake noticed the pain in his arm, but preferred not to say anything or ask any questions. If he hit me, it means that I asked him for it. It means that I needed him. They quickly left that place, continuing their flight which shouldn't have taken too long. Hell's Gate was close, with it, the smell of revenge that had recaptured Jake's thoughts. A rat and a dog.

They landed on the Shuttle Runway. It had been a little over two years since the humans, their friends, had abandoned the base and relocated after Jake according to his strategies. Now, what some had called 'home', was nothing but cement and buildings overgrown with vegetation. Lyle made his appearance from the Avatar Compound, slowly approaching the two. Jake didn't even wait for Quaritch's helping hand to get off the ikran. He jumped off the animal and took a fighting stance, baring his sharp fangs. Quaritch held him back by the shoulder, nails digging deep above Jake’s bruises.

“Stay!” He pushed Jake behind him, prowling towards Lyle.

“I just did what you said! Don’t give me that fucking look.” Fists connecting with jaw. Blood splatter. Teeth flying in the air.

“When did I say you can fuck him?” Dodge fists. Tails rattling. Bared fangs. Hissing and spit. Lyle stepped back every time Quaritch made a move towards him, holding his arms up to defend himself.  “It was self-explanatory. All I did was try to protect the child. ‘Make him look the part.’ That’s all I did.” Another dodge fist. Jake’s blood boiled inside.

“You raped him!” Stomach punches. Growls. Lyle took a hold of Quaritch’ kuru, pulling at it, shoving him aside so he could catch his breath. Jake was held in place by the tinniest string in the world. Trust him to do it right. Be patient.

“That’s what all of us we’re supposed to do! That’s what you did!”

“I did not-“

“Yes, you did! You tied him like a pretzel, you feed him your cum for weeks, you raped him, played your little mind games with him, and all of a sudden I’m doing too much?!” Bucket of cold-ice water. That was before. He changed.

“He was mine! I was to decide what happens! You had no right to touch him.” It was Lyle’s time to stop holding back his fists. He punched Quaritch with all he had. Split skin. Bruised knuckles.

“ ‘No right’… You got high on his fucking tight cunt and forgot all about us! I barely lived out there until I reached you. You didn’t even look if any of us we’re still alive!” Another punch and they put distance between each other, panting like crazy, wiping away blood from their mouths. “Mansk lived. He lived for two more days after I dragged him out of the sea with my ikran.” Quaritch faltered in his stance, lowering his fists. “I didn’t know how to save him. I couldn’t even dig a hole to bury him. I had to leave him there… And all this time you were having the time of your life with your whore.” Blood spit on the ground. Feet moving on his own.

“Stay back, Jake!” Feral growls. “You could’ve hurt my child!” They were circling each other. Hungry hounds.

“He was fine. I barely gave him a scratch. Why did you call it rape, Sully, if you liked it?”

“You piece of shit!” You killed my son. You took my boy from me.

“Jake, stay there!”

“Did he not show you how he opened his legs, how wet he got before I even touched him, how his cunt clenched around me? He didn’t fight it for a second. This fucking rat that turned your brain into shit! You’re angry with the wrong person here, Miles.” Red. Red all around his vision. He ran, ready to rip apart with his fangs the demon’s jugular, but Quaritch caught him at the last second, trapping him in his hold.

“I’ll kill you! I'll skin you alive!” Scratches at Quaritch’s hands. Cries of anger that made Lyle step back in fear. “You killed my boy! He was sixteen! He did nothing wrong! I’LL KILL YOU!” He bit down the hands holding him, but Quaritch didn’t let go for a second. He felt his kuru being moved, followed by electricity running down his veins. Shared consciousness. Waves of anger crushing his brain. Drops of fear were tangled between the waters.

“Calm down and don’t move!” A command running clearly in his head, numbing his nerves, making him drop to his knees. His heartbeat slowed down. His vision was cloudy. He wanted to obey his mate. Calm down and don’t move. Calm down and don’t move. He split his nails in the cement from how hard he held himself in place. Electricity gone but invisible strings still held him in place. Calm down and don’t move. Quaritch slowly let go of him and focused back on Lyle who looked amazed at the scene unfolding in front of him. Quaritch drew out his knife.

Fighting lions, claws and fangs, ricochets and punches in the ribs. Fractions of a second. The sound of a knife blade tearing living flesh. A piece flying in the air against the background of screams and swearing. Lyle's finger landed at Jake's feet, but he couldn't move from the spot. He wanted to touch it, gnaw it between his teeth, spit the bones in the demon’s face. It wasn't enough. He needed more. Quaritch looked back at Jake and he understood, yet there was a hesitation in him.

“Wrong team, Miles! Fuck-“ Lyle was on his back, holding his blood-dripping hand tightly wrapped in his shirt, biting his lip from the pain. It’s not enough.

“What’s wrong, Wainfleet? I thought it was just a scratch, you fucker!”

“Jake! Shut it! Let me handle this.” Calm down and-… and don’t move.

“Well then stop fucking around and just kill him.” His words hung in the air. All of them, in their own way, were frozen hearing them. Jake in anticipation. Lyle of fear. Quaritch for the decision he had to make. Lyle crawled backwards out from under Quaritch's legs, his bulging eyes locked on the Colonel.

“Boss… an eye for an eye and all that… You did it. We’re good.” No answer. “Boss! Come on, man! I’m with you, you know this. Semper fi.”

“Miles! You promised.” Calm down and-

“Miles, you need me out there. You won’t make it just with him.” Ear twitch. Tail flipping in all directions. Strong hold of the knife. “I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry I fucked him.” Dead eyes. “Miles, I’m your friend. We know each other for years. I’m Spider’s Godfather for Christ’s sake!”

Jake understood Quaritch all those months ago, when Jake was kicking around in the sand, with a knife sliding up his face, and the demon’s hand buried deep into his locks. Smell of fear. It smelled like something God-given, divine. Calm down

Movement. Tear of cargo pants. Begging and crying. Same knife biting again into the flesh, leaving long-lasting marks. He cut the tip of his dick. Red fountain staining the ground and camouflage pants. Lyle’s screams pierced his ear. Not enough. Calm… fuck this. Move. Get up. Move. Move!

He tore himself off the ground, destroying the mental barrier that held him down. Red before his eyes. The snake, the stone, the arch, the cities, the plagues. Their madness. The passion. His son.

“It was right where you said, by the rocks.” “Dad, I want to be just like you when I grow up.” “I want to go home.” “Dad, I-“ Rage. Nothing could have stopped him in that moment, not Quaritch, not any bond, not even Eywa. He snatched the knife out from Quaritch’s hand and just did it. He made the cut. Fast. Clean. He was left with a long braid between his fingers.

“What did you do?!"

Quaritch was livid. Screams in his ears, deafening him, but what did that matter when in front of him was a masterpiece of art. Lyle was left with his mouth wide open, tears running down the sides of his face. Foam gathered at the corners of his mouth, while his body convulsed and twisted at strange angles. Rolled eyes in the back of his head. Quaritch didn’t know on which wound to put pressure first. Jake laughed, admiring the knife. The rat won. Knife held high. He managed to sunk the blade deep into flesh a few more times. One more and you’re done. But his hand remained suspended in air, held by the wrist with a deadly grip. Beautiful comets were burning enveloped in boiling lava. Nails digging in Jake’s jaw and he dropped the knife.

“How do I fix this? How?” Jake took one more look at the spasming hound.

“Best thing you can do now is to end his suffering…” Rage in golden irises. Rage he hadn’t seen for himself when Quaritch learned the truth. A raised palm in the air, but it never hit. So that’s how it is. Band of gold. Golden promises. He almost took it off. “If this really means something to you, do what’s right… You want me to see you as my mate? That entails that my children are yours too. He killed my son. He hurt me.” Knife raised from the ground.

“Will he feel pain?”

“No.” Unfortunately “He can’t see, hear, feel… all his senses are gone. Even if you stop the bleeding, he will never live again, he will just... exist.”

“Leave me.” A punch to the guts.

“Miles…”

“I’ll do it just fucking- give me two minutes… alone.”

“Alone.” he repeated mockingly.

But Quaritch said nothing more. Jake left him there, with the body of his last friend in his arms, and walked towards the old barracks of the avatars. His knees hurt, his stomach hurt. The adrenaline of the situation evaporated, and he was left with an exhausted body. At least it’s over.

The barracks door was wide open. The room looked the same as they left it, half filled with beds, half turned into a warehouse for old non-functional equipment. He had to sit down somewhere. He was dizzy, a wave of nausea coming on. He sat down on one of the beds, with his knees to his chest, breathing through his mouth. Alright, little one, stop making me sick. He rubbed his wrists, an old trick he had learned from Neytiri. It took away some of the nausea. Something on the floor caught his attention. A green feather. He picked it up, running his fingers over it. He looked around and noticed that there were actually several more scattered in different places. He got up and found some arrow-heads. He saw mud footsteps, big and small, on the wooden floor. In the back of the room, two beds were left messily. On the bedding were carved pieces of wood, an exopack and a map. The map was full of annotations, left-handed writing, with markings in either English or Na'vi. One location was circled several times, the one at the Tree of Souls.

Before he could even grasp what was actually in front of him, iron stained hands grabbed him from behind.

“It’s done.” Red eyes. Wet trails on mournful features. He checked Jake’s hand for the ring, breathing a sigh of relief when he noticed it was still on his finger. “Look at me. Are you alright?” Robotic moves, ghostly touches over his skin, that strange glaze, dead eyes. He’d seen that look before and he cursed himself for it. Don’t be a monster. You're not a monster!

“I should be the one asking you that question.”

Quaritch cleared his throat, wiping away any evidence that he had cried with the back of his hand. Rough mask on for split seconds, and he turned away from Jake.

“He did what he did, ain’t denying none of that…” Yet… “He was a good person before all this, before you and I... Don’t know what happened to him. Maybe it was this fucking resurrection that screwed our brains. But-“ Go on. “After everything, at the end of the day…” You still cared more about y-. “You, right now, are more important to me than anything else.” Fingers pulling him closer by the jacket’s sleeve. Tight embrace. Honey scent mixed with iron. The faintest sound of movement coming from outside. They both heard it. The map. The arrows. The feathers. His kuru being grabbed, and he panicked.

“No, stop doing that! It’s wrong!” Pressure on his braid. Comets burning in desperation. “They’re our boys. I can explain to them what happened, I can-“

Electricity in his veins. Shared consciousness. Invisible strings.

“Don’t. Make. A sound.” Tip toes on the wooden floor. He dragged him behind an old covered amino tank. They stayed crouched on the floor, tails held in Quaritch hand, the other glued to Jake’s mouth. Raised pulses. Footsteps approaching fast. A voice he thought he’ll never hear again. Don’t. Make. A sound. Don’t move. Over and over in his mind. Invisible strings holding him in place. Miles please I can make them understand I can talk to them Pinch over his bruised arm. Nausea hitting again like a brick in the wall. Endless pit in his stomach. Don’t make a sound don’t move I can’t lose you I can’t

Voices. Steps.

Chapter Text

“-unusual, that’s all I’m saying. It’s weird seeing him dead.” Their footsteps echoed sharply around the compound, sounding overly loud in his own ears, just like his booming heartbeat.

“Maybe dad did it. Which means they’re close. Which means, I have to find him.” You don’t. That’s not your job, son.

“Bro, you need to breathe and slow down. Whatever happened can’t be good. I just think-“

“Dude, I’m done doing what you think. It led us nowhere. Keep an eye on that ikran!”

“Cupcake won’t go anywhere without his ass.” Brain flooded with images of a stubborn ikran, tossing Quaritch around on its back.

“ ‘Cupcake’?… Forget it. Don’t have time for this. Help me find the crate. I know for sure dad left weapons around here somewhere.” Please Miles let me talk to him I can’t have him get in danger- Quaritch’s palm didn’t move an inch from over his mouth. Both of them held their breaths. There was so much fear pouring down in waves into Jake’s psyche.

“Lo’ak… We can’t fight him! We don’t stand a chance! You promised Neytiri that if we spot anything we call it in.”

“Clearly not calling in on mom…  What can she even do, drop on the floor like an avatar when she gets lost in her head? Can you be useful and actually help me look for that thing?” My love. Muscles held in place. Body fighting the brain. Stop Jake be good keep quiet don’t move don’t move

“Dude, you need to stop. When’s the last time you ate something or slept more than four hours?” Loud thump. Something dropped to the ground.

“Whose side are you really on?”

“Yours! I don’t want to see you dead!”

“Well maybe none of this would’ve happened if you didn’t save him!” Waves. Salt water in the nostrils, in the mouth, in the lungs. Spider's body dragging Quaritch's exhausted one towards a rock in desperation. Shock. Affection. Fear. "Son, come with me." Let me talk to them please… please Miles. The fog returned. Clouded vision. A hard pinch on the tip of his tail, grounding him. Not now don’t do that now focus on me

“Really!? That again…”

“Teyam is dead.” Gut wrenching pain. Open wound. The cry of a mother. The remorse of a stranger.

“The man outside did it, not-“

“Mom is- she’s like one of those things from dad’s stories. A ghost! And dad…”

“We know Jake is alive and-“ Skin hitting skin. “…bro, we both saw with our own eyes Jake pushing him down from your arrow. And- and Neytiri is doing better. Her dreams! Maybe there’s more to it.”

“Don’t remind me of that! The demon was all over him and dad stood- Dad looked half-dead, and that was weeks ago... And I can’t accept that mom’s dreams are messages from Eywa, no matter what grandma says. You still try to find excuses for the demon.”

“They’re not excuses. I’m trying to understand, just like you, what is going on. All I’m saying is that maybe there’s something we don’t see… Lyle’s dead. He was Quaritch’s shadow. He wouldn’t have let that happen. And- and Jake kissing-“ They saw us.

“Spider, I swear to Eywa… Dad was forced, there’s no other explanation.” Things pulled aside. Rummage through objects. Their voices coming closer.

“I didn’t say he wasn’t! We just don’t know what we saw.” Low growls.

“I’ve seen a demon. Alright? And I see your head filled with Talioang shit for taking a demon’s side.”

“Bro… I know what he did, ok? I was there. But in all those months, he was also different than the story I kept growing up with.” Metal dragged across the floor. Plastic cover swishing around.

“Human, avatar, demon, it doesn’t matter. He's still a murderer.” Metal box thrown to the floor. “How can you look at him any other way?” Lo’ak screamed.

“Maybe because he was the closest thing I had to a father!” They froze. The kids stopped moving as well. All of a sudden, everything was dead silent. “You left me, all of you. But I understood. I wasn’t part of the family.”

“Spider-“

“He felt like family! Technically, he’s not, or I don't know, dna and all that crap... but he got his memories. He told me about my mom, about my family back on Earth. I have an aunt, I have cousins… He cared for me. I know how it sounds, but he did.”

“Bro, you never told me.“  

“Yeah, well, you never asked about it... I tried so hard to make him see. Sometimes he listened, it gave me hope that maybe I could turn him around. And the fucked up part was that it wasn’t even entirely about Jake. It- it was a fucking obsession, I think, to prove himself that he still has a purpose. Then all hell broke loose on the SeaDragon. I’m sorry! I’ll apologize for the rest of my life for it, but when I saw him drowning… I just couldn’t let him die.” The cascade of emotions from both of them. Jake for not being there enough for the kid, for ignoring the void so obvious in Spider's life. Quaritch because he cared about the child, because he wanted his child back. He wanted to show him that he had changed, that for Spider he would have moved mountains, he would have dried up oceans.

“Shit, bro. I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s whatever. Just needed to get it off of my chest. I don’t expect you to be ok with it. I’m still not ok with it, given everything, obviously.”

Quaritch loosened his grip. Jake's head felt on fire from all the emotions he was receiving, all of Quaritch's thoughts spinning madly.

“All this is a big pile of shit.” Both of them suddenly chuckled.

“It fucking is.”

“Come here, bro.” Pats on the back. They probably hugged it out. That’s how Jake taught them to end any argument. That how he and Tommy learned one another to end those kind of tense moments. There was a long pause between them. More shifting closer. Things dragged around.

“Hey, did you cut yourself on the arrows? There’s blood on the floor.”

“What? No, I didn’t.”

“Did your cut re-open or anything?”

“Bro, I’m good. What are-“

A shush. And then complete silence.

Miles they know they’ll find us we need to do something they’ll be scared

Calm down stop I can’t think

He listened intently for every little detail that the children were getting closer, but all he could hear was the blood pumping in his veins and Quaritch's breathing. Fog. Fear. There was nowhere to run. They couldn’t get out of there without crossing paths with them. The faint sound of a bow being drawn. Steps. Small steps on the other side of the tank. At least take your hand off don’t make it look that way don’t give them reasons

Quaritch lowered his hand, letting it rest on Jake's neck. Heart beats. Drums in their ears. Skin splattered with blue paint. They could see part of Spider's back, the tip of Lo'ak's tail. Don’t turn around kid get out of here Before he could finish that thought, Spider spun around and their eyes met.

They stood frozen like statues, not blinking, not breathing. Jake could've sworn his heart had stopped for good. Instantly, he read on Spider's face the tumultuousness of emotions, a hundred scenarios clashing in his eyes. But if none of the three of them were able to react, Lo'ak did it for all of them. He raised his bow, ready to release the arrow.

It looked like Lo'ak didn't even seem to notice Jake, his gaze spitting flames at Quaritch. It wasn't the hate that scared Jake, but the way his son looked. Dirty, emaciated, wounded in places, a large bandage wrapped around his thigh.

“Son, put it down.” A murmur of his own voice. Quaritch tensing behind him. Their kurus still connected.

Lo'ak blinked often, the fire in his gaze dissipating as he realized that it was his very father before him. Confusion. Relief. Glimmers in his eyes. A realization that brought with itself another form of fear, one driven by anger, the same one that resided in Jake. The head of the arrow sliced the air as Lo’ak looked for an opening. 

"DAD COME HERE! LET HIM GO, YOU FUCKER!"

Let me move Miles. He felt those strings melting away. Cold rush down his nerves. Arms raised, pleading. His body covering Quaritch's, protecting all his vital points. He dreamed and imagined that pointy end striking its target too many times to make it become reality now. It wasn't supposed to be the end. Quaritch had to live.

"Lo'ak, look at me! Put the bow down. I'm ok, son."

"Listen to your fath-"

"Shut up! You don't get to speak, demon!" He saw Neytiri in him, that devastating turmoil in his son's eyes.

"Son, no one is hurting anybody. Just, please, put it down."

Spider didn't even try to intervene. He remained to the side, slightly close to Lo'ak, slightly looking like he was about to jump in front of that arrow himself.

"Bro, let's just try to listen."

“Sure, when you get me a gun from that crate to point it at his head.”

He remembered. He almost forgotten about it. The ship. The threats. "I will not hesitate to execute your kid." But that was before. All of this was before.

"Son, he's unarmed. All the weapons are outside to the ikran. Please."

"Dad, just get up and come over here!" He's just as stubborn as you are, princess.

"Alright." Jake said, slowly standing up, pulling at Quaritch's pants to do the same." But he's coming too." He probably looked like a mad man, holding down with his teeth onto the enemy, yet it wasn't the case anymore. He still plastered himself over the body behind him. One small glance at Spider. He was staring at their united kurus.

"Lo'ak if you hit him, if you kill him, me and mom might never recover from our illness." That seemed to do the trick. Sorrow. Pain. He couldn’t imagine what they all went through with Neytiri being sick probably the same as he was. Lo'ak lowered his hand a bit. "Let's just all calm dawn and talk, peacefully, son."

Lo'ak breathed heavily, his uneasiness being readable from miles away. Spider reassured him, placing his small hand over the huge arrow pulling it down. Unspoken words between the two of them.

"Then start talking, and I mean you, dad. I don't wanna hear a word from this fucking demon."

"Nice language you got there, kid." Lo’ak hissed at him.

"Miles!" Spider got startled hearing that name from Jake's mouth. "Ok, son. Where do I even start this..." How could he even put those four months into sentences. Surely, things must’ve been left out. They can’t know everything as it really was. His vision blurred.

“Look, you have to understand that things have changed between the two of us. It all started as an accident for the most part. I was seriously injured, Miles saved my life. I'd lost a lot of blood and he gave me his, and that broke the bond between me and your mother.” He was speaking but he could see the words passing by their ears. Lo'ak's gaze darted over his entire body, the scowl on his face deepening with each passing second.

“Dad, why do you… why do you look like that?” All of a sudden Quaritch’s hand slid up from the back of his jacket, holding the bump. Fear through the bond. There’s no easy way out of this. Might as well just get it over with, Jake. Quaritch disconnected their kurus. The remnants of the fog enveloping the corners of his mind.

“Your father’s pregnant, kid.”

Silence. Spider moved in front of Lo’ak, fists clenched.

“By who? Did Lyle-“

“No! The child’s ours.” Wheels spinning in two flabbergasted minds. He could see them struggling to fit the concept along with the physical evidence, to piece together four months of the unknown between two people who should've hated each other to death. Lo’ak was fuming. He pushed Spider out of the way, and limped towards Jake, letting go of the bow.

“Son, I know both of you have many questions and I’ll-“ His son's arms wrapped around his waist and Quaritch backed away. Strong squeeze. The warmth of his son. He couldn't believe that he was holding him, that he was right there and that he could feel his heart.

"Dad, I thought I’d never see you again."

“-again after last night, handsome.” Oliver held him down on the mattress, his fingers brushing over the dark bruises left on Jake’s shoulder.

“I broke up with this girl I was dating, among other stuff. Today was shit.”

“So you need a little help.”

“It’s the last time.” Low guttural laugh. Green eyes savoring the view. Opened jeans. “I mean it, Oliver. Last time.”

“-exactly like Neytiri!” Commotion behind him. Yells. Hysteria. He somehow ended up on the floor, on his side. Quaritch was holding Lo’ak down, barking out words in both languages. Spider was somewhere between them, trying to stop the madness, a fly holding back two lions. Three voices overlapping each other.

“I don’t wanna hurt you kid. Let me help your father.” Nails ripping out flesh. Smaller fists over wounds from the previous fight. Quaritch didn’t fight back.

“You destroyed everything, demon!”

“-destroyed both me and my brother.” Sweet perfume. Smokey makeup highlighting those lovely eyes.

“I might have a remedy, but you can’t tell anyone about it. Vous comprenez? It’s my little secret, small hidden ingredient for navigating life.” Foreign accent. Cigarette smoke. Laughter and bottles of beer taken illegally on the street corner. Two teenagers lost in stories, united by loneliness. Green eyes. Long curly blonde hair. Vivienne or something, he couldn’t remember, and after four hours of talking under the moonlight, he was too embarrassed to ask again.

“What do I have to do for it?” His charming, naughty smile. She blushed, looked away, drank some more, and lit another cigarette.

"You could spend the rest of the summer with me, petit papillon. I think you're great company." She got that kind of laugh that made his heart skip a beat just from hearing it. 

"Consider it a deal." They shook hands. Beer bottles in the air to celebrate the deal. "So, about the secret ingredient?" He asked leaning more over her, getting lost in that green haze of her round eyes. "Come on, beautiful, don't do me like that." She took another swig of the beer.

“Promise not to abuse it.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” She considered it while taking a long drag of her cigarette, then she raised her skirt and put the cig out on her inner thigh.

“Pain, petit papillon.” She took his hand and placed it over the burn, pressing it in, moaning lightly. “It can be any pain. It can be the same as before, or different.” She said smacking away his forgotten hand on her soft skin. “The secret is what you do with it. Vous pouvez lui donner un autre sens . You can give it another meaning.”

“Jake, can you hear me? Jake!” Spider gently shook his arm, where his skin was beautifully marked by his mate. He turned his head to see Quaritch leaning against the amino tank, arms crossed, a large gash bleeding down his forearm. Lo’ak was glaring at him, the knife in his hand held firmly.

“Miles? Miles, I need you.”

“S’not much I can do from over here.” The skull-crashing pain returned, alongside a buzzing in his ears. He felt so cold as his body shivered slightly. He moved his head and the entire room spun around.

“Lo’ak, please, stop this. I need him, son.”

“Tell me what you need, dad, and I’ll help you.” All that confidence in his bones, yet his voice cracked when he spoke.

“You can’t.” Pain and shivers. “Only he can.” Smell of coffee and rain, glimpses of wooden stools and chatter.

“Dude, Jake’s doing that thing with h-.”

They were walking down the crowded streets, hurrying to avoid the storm clouds that were threatening to pour down on the busy city. She took the lead, her hand over his, pushing past all the pedestrians. She said she knew a place. She knew all the places. Sarah was always on the run, seeking thrills. They eventually reached a coffee shop, one that still got a barista, not that automatic serving AI crap.

“Alright. So, I spoke with Emry about tonight. You know Emry.” He didn’t.

“Yeah.”

“I got us tickets for the show. Front row. It will be amazing.” Dark turquoise eyes glimmering with excitement.

“Cool.” Leather jacket left on the back of the bar stool.

“Yeah, but I gotta go home first to change cause I bought the most perfect dress- oh my fucking God! Jake, what the fuck is wrong with your arm?” He forgot about it. He was careful most of the time to hide the livin’ proof that he wasn’t getting any better. An addiction someone would say. It was temporary, just like the other one. That’s what he kept telling himself.

“It’s nothing, it’s training. Don’t worry about it. Hey, do you think this place serves any alcohol?”

She bought the coffees and the alcoholic cocktails. He drank. She kept talking, and talking, and talking. He drank some more.

“-and later, maybe we could go to your place.”

“Aha.”

“…aha? That’s all I get? Look if you’re not into me you can just say it. It’s been a month and all we did was make out.” He leaned closer, whispering in her ear.

“Tonight, I’ll fuck you until you’ll forget your name, sweetheart. How that sounds?” He would’ve said anything to get some peace and quiet, and to make sure Sarah would pay for more of that ever expensive 'poison'. She finally kept her mouth shut, smiling dumbly in her cup.

When he opened his eyes, he was surrounded by the three of them, with Quaritch softly tapping his jaw with a finger, his other hand caressing Jake’s navel.

"Hey there, princess. Come on, get out of it." He could see a halo of green and blue translucent light around the edges of their contours. He grabbed both Quaritch's and Lo'ak hands, but he leaned toward Quaritch, seeking his calming scent, rubbing his face over his mate's knuckles.

"He's better, now get the fuck away from him." Knife pulled out.

"Wow, easy kid. In case you haven't noticed, I'm on your side."

"You tricked him, you did something to him. Dad would've never acted this way with you, demon. Stop touching him!"

Too many voices, too much noise, he just wanted to be quiet. Spider talked louder over both of them.

“I thought you said he’s doing better. How's this better? Why are you even making tsaheylu if it doesn’t help.”

“It does, Spider. He’s just overwhelmed.”

"Do you mean 'brain-washed', dipshit?"

“Can all of you stop talking like I’m not here?” He took a deep breath. He fought the urge to throw himself in the arms of his mate. “Tsaheylu helps, Spider. Without it, I'd probably be insane now. And no one tricked anyone, Lo’ak. It happened. Everything just happened…”

“But dad-“

“Eywa did this. She brought us together. That day, an atokirina flew over us, and thanks to you Spider, Miles knew what it meant. Little things changed us afterwards.” If Lo’ak tried to believe, Spider looked at both of them questionable. He just hoped that Quaritch would ride along with what he tried to convey.

“Then why didn’t you bring Jake back? What’s with the wrist scars, his face, his finger? Why is Lyle dead? Why is he pregnant?”

Hard questions with equivalent hard to give answers. What was to be done, to tell them the honest truth? He didn’t remember what that was anymore. Quaritch looked at Jake at a loss.

“Well, I was insufferable after the bond broke, Spider. I might’ve thrown a punch or two.”

“And that excuses how you look, Jake?”

“Apart from the wrists, nothing you see is made by his hand.” Lo’ak stood up, putting some distance between him and Quaritch. Pace back and forth. Nails bitten.

“What happened to Lyle, Quaritch?” Jake was glad he didn’t have to answer that one. Quaritch shifted from one knee to the other, his mouth a thin line, his brows furrowed. His temple was already bruised, as was the skin under his left eye. The fight with Lyle had probably left more damage than Jake could see on the surface.

"Tiger, you have to understand that Lyle and I haven't seen eye to eye for some time. He… He was the one who hurt Jake.” Don't say in what ways, please, don't do it. "More than that, he hurt me, so I did what had to be done."

Spider didn't seem too convinced and it was understandable given how vague they both were. At least the children were trying to listen and no one was yelling at anyone for a moment. Spider also stood up, took a few steps, but from his tense posture, Jake knew that they had no way to escape so easily from the storm of questions that was probably forming in his mind. He had expected Lo'ak to be the interrogator, but his son was content to stay by his bow on the ground and stare at his bump.

"If you are so kind and merciful now, why didn't you let him go? Why didn't you let him come back?" Spider asked venomously. "Do you have the slightest idea what his disappearance meant to all of us?" Caught in the trap. Comets met in silence. Burning flames. The possessive look of the one before.

“Would the clan have welcomed me with open arms when I brought their tsaheylu-addicted Toruk Makto with me? He was a wreck, Spider. I kept him alive, safe, I made him better. And what would have happened to the child that grows inside him, hm? His white-coats friends would've killed him without thinking twice.”

“Him?” Lo’ak voice sent shivers down his spine. He seemed so distraught. Jake couldn't stand still when he heard him. He pulled himself up from the floor and approached his son. Lo'ak had tears in his eyes. Jake took his hands in his. He remembered the skin stained with blood, the rupture of two brothers. He pressed Lo'ak's palms to his belly.

“Eywa gave me a son, Lo'ak. I saw her in my dreams. She knew how much pain was in me." Voices behind them. Spider kept throwing questions at Quaritch. Lo'ak glanced quickly over Jake's shoulder, then pulled himself closer to him, an ever so faint whisper escaping his lips.

"Dad, tell me the truth." If I tell you, you would hate all three of us. You would hate your little brother. I would lose you and I wouldn't be able to live with myself anymore.

"This is it. He changed, we both did." A whisper just as soft. This is the truth.

"You don't even sound like yourself... Just tell me the truth."

"I'm tired, that's all. It's still me, babyboy." He hasn't called Lo'ak that since Tuk was born.

“Dad, he can’t hear you. Please.” He raised his hand to the comm attached to his neck. Big soft pleading eyes. “I can call mom.” You could go home. You could see Neytiri… but you would lose him. Arrhythmic drums in his ears. The world stopped spinning for a second. I want you all back but I want him too.

“No!… No. I’m fine, I promise.” The blades of a helicopter in the distance. Except for Spider, all three went silent when their ears caught that terrifying sound. Military instincts stirred to the surface. Him and Quaritch locked eyes in an instant. "Miles, the ikran! Send him away and get the backpacks!"

"Find those weapons Jake and stay here!"

"If we stay here we’re cornered. We regroup in the old avatar lab. It’s the second building on the left. Go!" Quaritch took off immediately. Jake quickly searched around, through the dozens of boxes, under the old and dusty equipment. "It has to be around here somewhere."

"Dad, what's going on?"

"Either it's just a passing surveillance one, or it's looking for us. We killed the general."

"Ardmore?" Spider asked with a little excitement in his voice. The buzzing was approaching.

"Yeah. Lo'ak, help me. Grab the sides." He found the crate as he had left it. He took two assault rifles, one for himself and one for Quaritch, and a pistol. Hasty steps towards the exit. Lo'ak took his bow and arrows. They waited at the entrance to the compound. From that angle, Quaritch was nowhere to be seen. He just hoped the soldiers wouldn't fly so low that they'd see Lyle's blood splattered on the cement. Chopping sounds blasting through the air. Louder and louder. Swirl of colors. Haziness. Why now? Not now. Focus!

“Focus, soldier! Head down! Head down!” Bodies fallen in the trenches, mud, blood, gunpowder. He stomped over his comrades to get to the machine gun. Bullets flew over his head. Black smoke. Smell of death. Someone was screaming for help. He reloaded. Another day in hell. On the other side, people were dying because of him and the trigger. Just another day he had to survive.

“Dad! Dad! It left! We need to get out of here!” He was pulled forward by both arms, blindly walking after them trying to keep his balance. He saw Quaritch hurrying towards them. One wrong step forward and Jake fell to one knee, putting his hand to his mouth to keep from vomiting. Mud, chunks of flesh, bullets, doom. Quaritch picked him up from under his arm, supporting him the rest of the way. Lo'ak limped heavily beside them, cursing under his breath. Spider was there for him, helping him move.

It had been so long since he had set foot in Hell's Gate, but somehow, it still felt like some sort of home. Doors eaten by rust and vegetation were forced open. They walked down the dark corridor side by side until Spider ran forward. A few more steps, then their path was illuminated by bright white neon lights. Lo'ak was bleeding, scarlet marks from the drops that had slid down his leg. They arrived in the former examination room. Weapons left in a corner. Spider helped Lo’ak lie down on one of the tables. When he removed the bandage, the wound festered, dark blood and yellowish liquid oozing from the cut. Jake felt so dizzy because of the memories but also at the sight of the boy's wound. He wanted to go to him, but without Quaritch's support, he almost fell again like a bag of stones. Quritch caught him in time, lifting him in his arms. Panic. Panic was the reason for his deteriorating state of mind.

"Help my boy, Miles."

"You first, Jake." he answered placing him in a chair.

"Tell him to stay there! I don't need him to touch me, I can bandage myself." Quaritch huffed in irritation.

"Surrounded by Sullys... You know what, how about two birds with one stone?" He rolled the chair around and brought Jake close to the table where Lo’ak was laying down. Kurus connected. Invigorating electricity through their veins. Lo'ak hissed nervously at him.

"If you touch me, I'll rip your hand off with my teeth."

"The message is loud and clear, kid. Put that hand aside so I can at least see what you have there."

“Fuck off!” Jesus, this kid of yours…

“Son! Let Miles help you.” An uncertain look at Jake. He nodded, and Lo'ak let them see. "Shit, he needs stitches. That's why it doesn't heal."

"Lo'ak, you have to let him do it."

"Dad, I can do it myself, I did it all these months."

"Lo'ak!" Spider caught everyone's attention. "You need their help. It looks horrible, bro… Tell me what you need and I'll bring it to you." Quritch remained stuck. "I grew up here. I know every drawer like the back of my hand."

Disinfectant, bandages, medicinal thread, a needle, all brought quickly by Spider, while they had waited for him anxiously in silence. Quaritch stood close to Jake, gently touching the back of his neck, massaging the skin there. All of a sudden, he tugged at Jake's hair to lift his head, getting closer for a kiss, but he ducked at the last moment, resulting in an awkward one on his jaw. Luckily Lo’ak kept staring at his wound. Are you insane? Not in front of him.

We need to sell our story, princess.

When he returned, Spider pulled up his own chair next to his friend. Quaritch cleaned his hands and approached Lo'ak, but the boy backed away in fright. Jake stood up and sat next to his son, taking his hand in his.

"I'm with you. You'll be fine." He could sense Quaritch’s own nervousness through the bond. Do it gently. “Hey, talk to me. How are Kiri and Tuk?” Lo’ak turned his face away to focus on his father.

“Tuk’s with grandma." He kept looking over at Quaritch, then at Jake, to make sure it was alright to talk. "We left her there after mom went away too many times in a day. I haven’t seen her in a while. Kiri’s always with mom. Out of all of us, she’s the only that… shit- that kept it together.”

“How’d you even get this?” Lo’ak hesitated. Spider nudged him in the other leg.

“Me and Spider spent a lot of days around here. We needed to eat so, we went hunting.”

“What are you guys even doing here, in the forest? Why aren’t you with mom and your sisters?” Fingernails dug into his skin. Alcohol cleaning raw meat.

“We left. We all left to find you. Even that day, me and mom got up on her ikran and tried to follow you but we were too late. I found your songcord.” Shared hummingbird wings. Flashes of memories attacking his mind from Quaritch. “Shit! That really stings… Tonowari offered us a search party but mom refused him. Fuuuck- sorry! Something about enough people sacrificed their lives on our behalf. And… mom knew something was wrong right from the beginning. Second or third day after that- …shit-… she got this huge headache out of nowhere.” Cotton swabs lightly dabbing over the wound. Here comes the worse part. Keep the boy busy.

“But why aren’t you with them, son?” Another hesitation. The needle waiting in the air for him to start talking. Another push from Spider.

“Someone had to look for you. Mom got this dreams with- with you in the fo- shit, forest.” Deep breath. “So we assumed you were somewhere still close. And I… just couldn’t stay home.” Lo’ak left his head rest on Jake’s shoulder. “She kept seeing Teyam, talking to him and I… I took Spider and we just… we went, didn’t matter where. They tried to stop us at first, but we found ways.” Jake squeezed his hand harder. He could feel his own tears returning. My fault. All my fault- 

Jake! Stop. Keep talking to him.

“What else did mom dreamed about?”

“A bunch of nonsense most of the time, but sometimes- mhm, about you and- and him. I didn’t listen much to them.” Jake’s gaze fell for a second on Quaritch, who seemed upset. He got that frown on his face that only appeared when Jake was hurt. “Dad, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, kiddo. Anything.”

“I get the bond, the blood sharing and all that. But I don’t get this at all.” He said lowering his hand on Jake’s belly. “How-…why?”

“I kinda wanna know that answer too.” Spider added glaring at Quaritch, who hid in himself at hearing the boy’s tone. Blazing comets meeting once again. Why? Same word over and over between their consciousness. Your parents, Jake.

“The bond being broken, it really messed up with my mind. It made me remember something I really wished to leave back on Earth, about my parents.” He sighed deeply.

“You never talked about them, only bout uncle Tommy.”

“I guess I was ashamed of what my life looked like before. Those bad memories turned into nightmares. I was trapped inside them, but Miles helped me. Those moments brought as closer and, I guess somewhere along the lines, at some point, after some weeks…we grew even closer.” If they were to do the math, they would’ve probably figured out that something wasn’t adding up. But luckily, for the moment, it seemed to be enough.

“What’s this?” The ring glowed under the bright lights.

“He gave it to me, when I found out I was pregnant. It’s like a promise.” Lo’ak seemed to relax a bit. Jake caught Spider looking up through his mask, fighting off tears. He turned more to the side so he wouldn’t have to face them.

Quaritch finished sewing the wound. He lifted Lo’ak’s leg to bandage it. He was really careful about the whole process and Jake found himself smiling softly towards him.

“So, you guys are coming back with us now, right, dad?” Spider kept pushing for something, but Jake wasn’t sure for what exactly. Quaritch was caught off guard.

“Spider it isn’t that simple-“

“It’s a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. It literally can be easier.” Don’t ruin it now, Miles.

“You should listen and try to understand that things can’t always be put in one box.”

“Oh, I listened. But you know, it’s kinda hard to forget ten months living with you, when you said completely different things.” Quaritch stopped what he was doing, turning his full attention on Spider. Some images popped up in Jake's mind, with the Recoms, with nights spent in front of camp fires, with laughter and dirty jokes. Easy, Miles. Please.

“Whatcha want to hear exactly?”

“What I really want is to believe you, and all this to be true, cause it would be the best thing to happen after the massive shit-storm you commanded. But I keep looking at Jake and it seems too good to be true.” Jake saw Spider’s tears running down his face, getting stuck in the rim of his mask. Quaritch hands were shaking with the bandages. Glazed golden irises. Waves of regret, of sorrow. Tape frames melting before Jake’s eyes with memories that weren’t his.

“Kid, wrap what’s left tightly. Tiger, you and I, we need to have a talk.” He spoke softly, but Spider was still pissed.

“Before that, Lo’ak, you got anything to say?”

“Yeah, right…” Jake poke his arm. “Thanks… I guess.” Miles patted him on his knee.

“Don’t stress it, kid. Jake, you feel any better?” Jake nodded, disconnecting them. Quaritch leaned over them, letting a quick kiss on Jake’s forehead, and then he followed Spider outside, down the corridor, leaving Jake and Lo’ak alone again. Jake pinched himself through the jacket, over the bruise, to make sure it wasn’t an illusion.

“You look so funny dressed like this.” Jake took off the jacket, placing it over Lo’ak shoulders.

“Now, we can both look funny.” A father and his son. Rivers of happiness for seeing him, for keeping him close. They hugged and none of them pulled apart. It felt so good to give that, an embrace he never received before from his father. If he could, he would’ve never let Lo’ak go.

“I missed you so much, dad.” Open wound. Time standing still.

“I missed you too.” Tears spilling on their own.

"I thought-... We all thought that you-...I- I love you, dad."

“I love you too so much, Lo’ak." He hugged him tighter. "I hope you can forgive me.”

“For what, dad?”

“For how I treated you after the war started. I was so scared for all of you… and I know sometimes I acted and said thing that maybe were too harsh. I only wanted to protect you all. I’m sorry, son!”

“Dad, don't be. I get it. You were right, about everything. I should’ve listen to you… And I should be the one apologizing, for Teyam.”

“Lo’ak, it wasn’t your fault!”

“It was! I kept thinking about it ever since that day. The last time I had a conversation with him we fought, and dad, I said such a shitty thing to him and I can never take it back.” Just like me and Tommy… Tears running down the front of his shirt. Lo’ak’s sobs broke him in half. History repeating itself and it hurt more than anything in the world.

“It’s not your fault, Lo’ak! It was mine! Stop blaming yourself for it.” All of this is my fault. “And Neteyam loved you more than anything. Whatever you said to him, he would’ve never think otherwise about you.” “I love you, little brother. To infinity and beyond.” He missed all of them in that moment, Neteyam, Tommy, his mother. Heart on heart. “Where-… Did Teyam got a funeral?”

“Yes. Ronal helped mom. She and Tonowari did everything. But don’t ask me how it went cuz I don’t remember a thing.” Forgetting. The medicine for all problems. He ran his hand through Lo'ak's braids, gently massaging his scalp, as his son found the courage to press his hand under Jake’s shirt, over the place where his brother was growing. Quaritch and Spider's heated conversation could be heard from outside. Lo’ak finally pulled back, searching for his father’s eyes.

“Dad, please tell me he didn’t force you.” He whispered just as before. It killed him inside, having to lie after all that sincerity.

“Force me?…”

“With the baby. I heard grandma say you can force people through the bond, and knowing him-“

“Hey, I told you already. No one did such a thing. I want this child as much as I wanted all of you.” He noticed how his son really tried to believe, because he had that look on his face that reminded him of himself, when mom got them on the roof to distract them, when she kept pretending every day that everything was normal. He wished he had at least half of that persuasive power.

“And about everything else?” Lo’ak asked running his finger over his scars, stopping at his missing finger. Too much sugarcoating could also be harmful.

“Look, it started rough. He took me to that island first. We fought, fists and all, but after that, gradually, day by day, it got better. And it wasn’t out of thin air. We weren’t exactly friends before, but we got this level of respect for one another. We just built on top of that.” If only would’ve been that easy.

“I’m with Spider on this. It sounds unreal, dad. You, him, this baby...”

“I know it does. It was strange for us too to admit those feelings, to come to terms with the situation, but by the time this little one came around, there wasn't any doubt left in our minds.”

“Do you even love mom anymore?” Lo’ak hid in his jacket when he asked that question, somehow prepared to hear the worst.

“That’s a question I never want to hear again from you. I love your mother more than anything. I’ll love her until Eywa takes us in her heart and even beyond that.”

“Then how can you-…” tips of fingers floating above a bandage.

“The exact way I loved my mother, and uncle Tommy,  and how I love Neytiri, and you and your siblings.”

“Yeah dad, but…but, why?” The conversation outside calmed down.

“Honestly? I can’t explain it. Love isn’t always logical, Lo’ak. I told you, it just happened.” It’s like an addiction, of the care, the safeness, the euphoric connection, the things he gives and takes away with sex, the things he does and says. “But there were many signs, some of which I ignored at first, all given by Eywa.”

They stood in silence for a while, with Lo’ak processing again all the new information.

“You know what’s strange? That I think mom is resigned with the idea of you two being together. Before I left two weeks ago, she kept saying that ‘Eywa choose another path.’ I ignored her. I stopped listening to so much of what she was saying...” Another tight hug.

“I’m sorry, Lo’ak.”

“And yet, he’s not that ‘perfect’. Why can’t you come home with us now, if your not his prisoner or something? How can I go back and face everyone knowing I let you behind with him?” He couldn’t avoid that one. Knowing the obsession for him and the child, the reluctance in Quaritch's heart to even accept the possibility of them trying to return to the clan together, it made him say things bluntly.

“Because no one, except maybe your mother, will be ready to accept him, or even the idea of him being around us. And he’s scared of that, of losing me, the baby. He lost Spider before and he deeply regrets it.”

“Yeah, but that’s his problem, not yours.” He answered scowling.

“It's mine too. He’s my mate now. I- I want this little one to grow up in a place with all of you, but also him. He’s his father too, Lo’ak. It wouldn’t be fair for him that any of us could take that away… Which is why, I have to ask you to do something really important.” Lo’ak nodded shortly. “I need you and Spider to try to ease this idea, at least to our family and friends.”

“Oh, Great Mother…”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I’ll figure something out. I’ll make it work. And I need you to stop this dangerous chase, alright? Go home. Take care of yourself, take care of your siblings. Please, son! ”

Lo’ak took his left hand again, pensive. He played with the ring on his father’s finger.

“A promise, you said?”

As if on cue, Quaritch and Spider returned to the room, with smiles on their faces. Spider's shoulder was pressed against Quaritch's side as they walked. It was nice to see them get along.

“Then I’ll help you, dad. Anything to get you back home, even if you return with a demon.” He said only for Jake’s ears to hear. He gave his jacket back, his hand lingering over Jake’s, then he turned to Spider. “Bro, we need to get back home before eclipse." He jumped off on his good leg, walking past Quaritch and dragging Spider towards the door. Spider gathered the bow and arrows. Lo’ak stopped though, before his foot could cross into the hallway, turning his head back towards the two.

“Dad, if you name my baby brother anything stupid like you did poor Bob, I swear to Eywa I’m throwing the demon off a cliff.” Jake burst out laughing, hiding his head in his hands. He heard Quaritch chuckling softly. “Also, can we get a gun?”

“Absolutely not!” They both yelled at the same time. Lo’ak tucked his tail between his legs.

“Worth the shot… Hey, dumb face! Even though… this” he said motioning with his hand between them. “It doesn’t mean I won’t fuck you up if you don’t bring him back in one piece!”

“Make it double!” Yelled Spider down the corridor. Quaritch looked like he was fighting with every fiber of his being not to strangle them.

"You hurt my father in any way, and next time, I'll be the one who'll not hesitate to execute you."

“Noted, kid.”

As soon as they were gone, Jake mentally collapsed from exhaustion. He couldn't believe that, somehow, everything had ended well and no one had spilled their guts on the floor. And more than anything, the children had believed them. Maybe they wouldn't accept, maybe they'd never fully do it, but at least now they knew and they would tell the others. Still, he couldn't help but begin to share Quaritch's fear. They had to understand how much Jake needed him, otherwise going back would’ve never been an option.

Quaritch took Lo’ak place, pulling Jake into his lap, kissing him until their lips turned a darker shade.

“How the fuck did we do it, Miles?” Comets burning, breath taken away.

“We told our truth.” Our truth. “And now we have one less thing to worry about.” Tongue deep down his throat.

"Now that the kids know, maybe one day we can actually go b-“ Claws dug to the roots of his hair, pulling harshly. A growl. Possession.

“No! Telling the kids was one thing, doing it is another. Don’t fucking ruin my day more, princess!”

They made out some more but it didn’t turn into anything else. In the end, Quaritch just held him close, blanketing Jake in his scent again, clutching him to his chest as if he would flee at any moment. Their tails tangled together. From time to time small kisses covered his neck, in the place where the collar used to be attached. For a moment, not having it made no difference to him.

Quaritch fell asleep in that position, and Jake didn't dare move. In his head the same question that he had heard was repeated, like a curse, and every time the answer changed. The more he thought, the more everything seemed to distort. "Why?" Why? Why?… Our truth... He loves you. You love him. So why does it even matter… I’ll always need him. I want him. He's right for me. He's mine.

Over a dead field of poppies flew a raven carrying the skull of another bird in its claws, croaking without interruption so that everyone could listen to it. A dejected, dirty and wounded raven, which had lost its voice, flew after it. When the sky turned red, and the rain fell on the ground, there was only one raven left in flight.

Chapter Text

It was still light outside when the two left the building, hurrying to get as far away from that place as possible. They didn't even look behind them once, they kept it straight until they reached the fallen wire fence. But instead of entering the thicket, one of them suddenly turned.

“Lo’ak, where are you going? Your ikran is that way.”

The boy did not listen to his friend, continuing to run until he collapsed to his knees behind one of the buildings. Spider rushed to help him, but Lo'ak didn't budge, the cement beneath him stained with salty drops of water.

“Give me a minute.” They waited in silence, but Spider couldn't help but shift from one foot to the other, constantly looking in all directions. Lo'ak wiped his face, took a big breath of air and let himself fall on his back with his eyes fixed on the sky. “Did you think I fooled them there in the end?”

“Dude, you even fooled me. Nice joke by the way… So, you didn’t believe Jake either, ha?”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore. Everything's so... What did the demon tell you?” Spider took one last look around, set the bow down next to them and lay down next to Lo'ak.

“He tried to shove down my throat that ring story bullshit, which was shitty in itself cuz that was supposed to be mom’s ring… He told me he loved him- I made him repeat it like three times, to make sure it's real, cuz it felt like some sort of fucked up nightmare.“

“Dad admitted that too, and hearing him say it…” Lo’ak shivered.

“The only things that we know for sure are that the bond broke, Jake was really sick and now, they're mated. The rest, is a bunch of crap.” The words lingered in the air as they run through their minds everything that happened.

“You came in pretty happy though.”

“Dude, it was hell. At one point I had to pretend to believe him. I was afraid he wouldn’t let us go otherwise.”

“What else did you find out?” Spider played with his songcord.

“That Jake was so sick one day that he started punching a mirror without realizing, and apparently, that why he’s missing that finger. He also said he did those cuts on his face himself when he went away in his mind.”

“Bullshit, mom never did that once… What else?” Spider hesitated.

“He… he said… that he didn’t want to lose the baby, like he lost me. He- he told me Eywa showed him a life with Jake and one without, and without him, everything ended up in ash and flames.”

“That might be true. Oh Eywa, I really don’t know, Spider…”

“It'd be nice to be true, for him to finally open his eyes but knowing that-…” Lo'ak turned his gaze to Spider and saw his friend fighting back tears. His fingers were dug so hard into his flesh that the tips were white. Lo'ak placed his palm on his shoulder.

“Bro, you know you can tell me anything.”

“I want to believe him, both of them, but you have no idea what I had to hear in those months. They were drinking some nights and they made up those plans…” Suddenly the exopack seemed to stop working well, not enough air was entering his lungs no matter how much he inhaled. “Sorry, I-“

“Tell me. You never speak with me about those months.”

“Not here!” Spider cut him off, getting to his feet in a hurry. “Let’s just get the fuck out of here first.”

They ran again, as if the ground was on fire, but with each step, for different reasons, something broke in both of their hearts knowing that they were leaving Jake behind. Spider's heart stopped beating madly only when he saw himself high in the sky, with the wind cooling his skin. When they were far enough, Lo'ak let his ikran hover lightly above the vegetation. They had to come to a conclusion before heading home.

“Come on, bro, the more I know, the more we can put the pieces together.”

“It’s hard to say it out loud.”

“Spider, I’m with you, no matter what.” 

“Quaritch doesn’t know that I know. I would sleep further away from him and the Recoms at night. He let me be for the most part. They'd drink sometimes, or just hang out a bit more during eclipse…They all thought I was asleep but they were so fucking loud and- and just so you know, Quaritch never took part of those conversations. I never heard him say anything.” More deep breaths. Lo’ak listened patiently. “They'd ask this guy, Ja, all kind of fucked up questions. How can you keep someone alive if you skin them, if you cut pieces of meat every day."

“We can cut that ponytail of his." 

"You do that, and you’re left with a pile of meat. It’s like cutting into the brain." 

"Then we should cut his fucking dick, feed it to him. See if it was worth it to start a war just to get it wet.”

"What-what would happen if they hang him upside down from a foot while… while they took turns to…”

“…fuck Sully’s every fucking hole like he deserves it."

"Yeah, yeah!" "

"Pull his teeth out, make him suck dick all day, let him drink our golden holy piss, boy! Fucking traitor!"

"Fucking whore! I bet he'd like it. Hey, Prager, bet you twenty that on day one he'll cry like a little bitch, and on day two he'll already ask for it himself."

"You got it, but I still want him fucking crying. Little fucking traitor, thinking he can get away with all this... We should feed him piss and shit only."

The ikran let out a squeak, unbalancing for a second.

“Sorry, go on.” But Spider felt like he couldn’t. He remembered for some reason how thin Jake looked at the Tree of Souls and it made it's heart ache.

“It- it would all turn sexual. They made this bets, how many people could fit-… shit. Whatever. Just all the most fucked up things you can think off."

“I say four."

"Nah, fuck that, make it five. Ass, cunt, mouth, he has space."

"If we split his cunt all the way down, I bet he could take the whole unit."

"That would kill him, or give him so many infections."

"Come on, Ja, don’t ruin the fun!"

"...If we cut his tongue, we got ourselves more room."

"Nah, Z, you don't even need that. You need his dick nicely cut, make yourself a dildo."

"Fuck you too, Mansk! M'not letting that traitor's dick anywhere near my cunt."

"Hey, Ja? Hypothetically, if we feed him only cum, would he shit it back out?”

"How many days of that would take for him to pick up a gun again and fight for ‘the good side’.”

“I say we keep him drugged, make him beg on his knees. Give him a week, throw in some threats with those fucking kids of his, and job's all done."

"No, he needs to feel it, every bit of pain."

"I’ll carve my name into his skin. Fucking bitch! I'll put a leash around his neck, make him choke until he’s almost dead."

"Easy, soldier. That's some 'Colonel's privilege' if you ask me"... "We should fucking parade him over all Bridgehead. Walking, breathing glory hole."

"We can do all this. I mean, we told Ardmore we’re bringing her asset back, ready to be thrown on the field. We didn’t say how.’’

“And you say Quaritch never said anything?”

“No. He actually looked really pissed hearing them talk shit. He stopped them most of the times.”

“Well maybe a bit of what dad said is actually true then. If I understood it right, he and Quaritch got along before, respected each other.”

“That's all Jake told you about them?” Lo’ak shrugged behind him. Eclipse was approaching, a soft orange hue dissolved over the horizon.

“About Quaritch, he didn't say extremely much. But I know my dad is not himself anymore. When I offered him to call mom, he got a look in his eyes, like Tuk when we fooled around and pretended to take away her toys. And when I asked him if the demon forced him with the baby, he just looked insane, bro, like he was about to have a breakdown. It scared me.”

"The baby..."

"Don't even mention it! That thing inside dad will have to be my sibling. I-..."

"Mine too. Remember what Max taught us 'bout dna and stuff?"

"I don't even know how I'll tell mom about this."

"We'll tell her together. I'm not abandoning you on any of this, bro."

Fire red clouds floated in the sky, signaling the end of the day. The world seemed small and endless at the same time.

“But now, do you think that whatever happened made them really…care about each other, or we fucked up big time and just let Jake there, with him?”

“Dad told me too that Quaritch is afraid of losing him or the baby. And maybe if that’s true, then he won’t hurt him either. I want to believe that it won’t happen. I caught him smiling at the demon... He seemed calm around Quaritch... I- I don't know.”

“So, now what?”

“I promised him I’ll tell our family about them so that in the future-“

“There might not be one, Lo’ak. You should’ve seen his face when I mentioned them returning with us. It was as if I'd poured acid on him.”

“Well dad believed it could come true, but we have to tell mom and grandma, and I think you should tell Norm and Max.”

“It’s not even a question, bro. We need to be careful though, and sadly, I think we should let Quaritch and Jake make the first move. If we go after them, he might actually hurt Jake.”

“We’ll get it done. We’ll bring dad home no matter what.”

“Eywa’s plan… I hope She's right... Is it still fucked up for me to wish that he'll really get better, that maybe one day he could be my father? ”

“Dude after everything, today, what happened at the Tree of Souls... I won't be surprised if we're wrong, and if he actually tries to be different. Maybe you were right. It might be something we don’t see in all this craziness. Maybe Eywa really did something... But the way dad looked most of the time...I barely recognized him. I- I don't know.”

“Yeah…I hope we're right about the good parts…"

"Anyway, I'm not stopping. I'll get him back, even if I'll have to fight Quaritch myself."

"I get that... I’m sad we have no way to contact them in case Jake changes Quaritch’s mind. They won't stay long there. A heads up would’ve been nice.”

“He will, if dad finds my gift before Quaritch does.”

Any ray of light had disappeared from the sky by the time they changed direction towards home, but there was light in their souls.

Chapter Text

What no one recognizes about dreams and daydreaming is how easily you can become addicted to them, especially the ones where you are present, where you can manipulate what happens. A fake life lived in your mind. Who wouldn't want that? To live endlessly in a place where you make the rules, where you can be who you want to, what you want, without anyone to hold you accountable, without consequences, without being watched and judged by others. A world where everything is possible.

The only bad part is that eventually you have to wake up. Jake didn't want to wake up from the bubble of reality he had created, because he knew he would only find suffering on the other side. And his psyche, unlike his body, was tired of suffering. So when Quaritch woke up still angry at the world in the middle of the night, Jake didn't question him, but hugged and kissed him to make it all seem okay, to pretend. Quaritch wasn’t well. Since the children had left, he had changed a hundred and eighty degrees.

So Jake stayed in his bubble, the one where he hadn't seen how scared Lo'ak looked when he saw him, the one where the kids believed every word they said, the one where Quaritch had shown him he could be gentle, caring and accepting Jake's children as his own. A beautifully colored soap bubble, shiny from the many illusions it had created.

But the bubble was getting smaller and smaller with each of Quaritch's outbursts. He yelled at Jake for letting him fall asleep on that dirty table, as if his son's blood had given him some disease. He snapped when Jake took too long to think of where he could find a shovel. He grabbed his bruised shoulder and dragged him outside to use his help, though Jake just wanted to go back to sleep. Quaritch wanted to bury his dog.

"Move your ass faster! Did you move this slowly in training too?"

"Go slower! I'm sick, you moron."

"Aha, suddenly you feel sick..."

The cold air numbed any trace of sleepiness. The two of them, a shovel, and Lyle's body that had begun to harden. Pale blue. Blackened blood. He's not coming back. Quaritch tossed Jake the shovel, and he grabbed the demon by the legs, dragging him to the nearest entrance to the forest. It was raining so hard that it was easy to dig a hole quickly, but for Jake everything seemed to move in slow motion, and the more he watched Lyle, the more he fought to keep himself from digging that hole with his hands, cramming him in the bottom the earth.

What annoyed him the most was that Quaritch had tears in his eyes again. The dog. He'll always be the more beloved dog, the one who wags his tail when he sees you, the one who licks your palm at every crumb of compliment, the one who tears your enemies apart with his fangs. And in the back, he fucks your bitch deep, and as a reward, you do honors to him. He put a bullet in my child's chest, yours, and you give him a place to rest forever.

The truth about soap bubbles, about dreams and fantasies, is that they're all based on lies. You take an unreal thing and make it true. Lying is an art, but also a sin. Lying is a curse summoned from blood and gray matter, and few escape it. Jake was so used to lying to himself. It felt as easy as breathing. Dad had good intentions, but he hadn't known how to show them like other parents. Mom could leave anytime but she didn't give up because she knew she would change him. Tommy had been happy with what little they had and never felt burdened by Jake. Neytiri will forgive him and love their child as her own. Miles will take him home. If he was going to repeat them enough times, eventually, they had every chance of becoming real.

So in all that toxic, suffocating soap, what did it matter if he added new lies, especially if it was something harmless? When he put his hands in his jacket pocket and felt a hard material there, he knew instantly what it was. At the same time he knew he had to hide it from Quaritch. Jake took one more look at his grieving mate and turned to leave. 

"Where do you think you're going, princess?" Quaritch asked angrily.

"I'm tired, I feel sick… I'm just going for a little walk, Miles." He replied dryly.

"Will you die if you stay with me until I'm done here?"

"Maybe… I can't stand the stench of this rapist killer." Blades protruding from between his teeth. He continued to walk slowly.

"Come back! Sully!”…Sully  He walked without looking back. "Stay where I can see you, you hear?"

He quickened his pace. Night without stars. Night without protection. The ghosts were no longer among the leaves to watch over him. The fog was returning. He went right up to Transmod, but didn't enter the building. He feared the monsters he might see lurking there again, in addition to the tracks left on the floors by AMP suits and Samsons and heavy artillery.

The communicator in his pocket hung heavy and begged to be taken out and used. Loak had hidden it in his jacket, but no matter how hard he tried to remember, he couldn't pinpoint the moment when his son had been without it around his neck. His smart boy. He could've done it right then, pushed the right buttons and talked to them, called them to help him, taken him back home, but then what?

You go home with your brain just as scrambled, to some people who won't recognize you anymore. How are you gonna look at her anymore when you've caused her so much pain and you haven't even been able to fix things yet? How can you still appear as the one they knew as Toruk Makto when you stood with your tail nicely raised for him to fill you up?… You're just a whore carrying the child of the one who once wanted you dead. How are you gonna look at Tuk and Kiri when you come home with gold on your hand and love in your heart for him, and tell them that they’ll have another father? How are you gonna see your friends, look into their eyes and lie, once that you resisted and once that you willingly stayed ?

Plastic on a black strap. Death sentence for his relationship. Hope at life for whatever was left of his mind. He put it back in his pocket and he let himself slide down the wall. He placed his hands over his stomach, gently massaging the skin. What shall I do, little one? I want your father, I love him… but why does it still feel wrong? Eywa, tell me what you want from me. What have I done wrong to you so badly that I deserve this?

But Eywa remained silent. The forest was silent. Only his mind was alive like a burning torch. But that fire smoldered in the midst of a bottomless sea. And the waves were merciless.

Hot sand and cold waves. The late summer breeze. Laughter and sandcastles. Just the three of them and mom's friend who had invited them with her. Jake had fallen into the sand. He scraped his knee on the shells, but that didn't stop him to chase Tommy with the dead jellyfish he'd found.

"Jakey, back to mommy! Come on, come on!" He dragged his tiny feet towards her, big frown on his face for having to stop his chase.

"What? You know I wasn't gonna throw it at him." Hiccups from too much inhaled air. She took the jellyfish, made a hole in the sand and hid it there. "Can I swim again? Please, mommy.”

"It's late and you'll be cold when you get out of the water."

"But this is the last day." Waves crashing on the shore. Seagulls on the horizon. Algae smell. "I don't want to go back home." Watery eyes hidden by sunglasses. Bruises that had barely begun to turn yellow. Strands of sandy hair sticking out from under a white straw hat.

"Okay, but here at the shore and only ten minutes, Jake." Boundless ecstasy. Soap bubbles. "Ten minutes! You heard?"

"-heard me? Jake!” Miles. Jake flinched. He was looking for him. Last minute thoughts. Bad plans. Intrusive thoughts. Hide from him! The voice was approaching him fast. He entered the building but didn't know why. There was nothing left there, they had taken everything with them when they evacuated Hell’s Gate, and all that was left was the huge, empty hall. Dead end. He had nowhere to hide. The door swung open behind him, and he was stuck, his back to Quaritch and his hands in fists.

"I called you. Didn't you hear me?"

"No."

"What were you doing here? Didn't I tell you to stay where I can see you?… I'm talking to you!… Sully!” Anger.

"Fuck you, Miles!" He turned to look at him. Dirty hands from wet earth that could easily be mistaken for car oil. Burning eyes that looked green in the night light. The posture of a killer. Chills down the spine. Quaritch approached slowly, with calculated steps.

"Say it again." Jake stepped back.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, but you’re not yourself. You act like you did those months ago."

"Say it again, you little bitch!" Little bitch. "I'm going to fuck the bitch out of you."

"Fuck you!" Hard slap across his cheek and that was what broke the chain of confidence in him. He held his cheek with his hand and looked at the ground. Dirty hands. "Daddy, I'm sorry! Daddy, please!”

"What were you doing here?" Another slap, just as hard. The hit didn’t sting as much as the tone of Quaritch's voice did, the anger in his eyes.

"I wanted a moment to be alone, to think about what I talked about with my son." Claws dug into his cheeks. That smell of soil from his hands. He could picture Quaritch digging one more hole for the night.

"Really? Tell then, how many Na’vis am I gonna wake up with at the door tomorrow morning?" Jake looked at him puzzled. "Don't gimme that innocent, stupid-looking eyes! Do you really want me to believe you didn't whisper anything to the kid?” He's afraid, that's why he's so mad.

"Miles, I told him about the two of us, I told him how much I care about you... I just asked him to talk to- to Neytiri, to make her understand in case-" Hands in his hair. He shook him until he got dizzy.

"No! No! No! I was fucking sure!”

"I swear I didn't tell him anything else. No one will come!"

"Shut up! At least shut up…” He let go of Jake and walked in circles with his head in his hands. "We're leaving! Right now !" Panic. Stress. The fog. Green eyes.

"No! No one. Is. Coming! Lo’ak's not stupid, Miles. He's still young, but believe me, he understood the situation very well." He doesn't have to come, because I can talk to him at any time. "Please calm down! Why are you like this again?…”

"Because of you!" It's my fault, it's always mine. "You can never do what I ask!" "It's their fault, Jocelyn. They never do what I tell them!" It's my fault. It's my fault.

"I'm sorry, da- Miles!" Dirty hands on his shoulder, on his braid, and he froze. "Miles, no!"

He jumped back against the wall, hiding his kuru. "I told you it's bad! I told you, you can't do that!"

"I did and nothing happened. Your Eywa didn't come up from the ground to strike us dead. What else can I do if you don't listen to a goddamn word I say?” Tell him! No, if you do, you give him ideas. But if he doesn't know, he'll think it's ok and continue to abuse this power.

"My friends, they- they did research, simulations, on a case of a Na’vi from a clan who was subjected to this by his partner. The conclusion... dysfunction of the autonomy of the locomotor and cognitive limbs and organs."

"English, Jake."

"If you keep doing this to me, I might end up not being able to control my own body anymore, to not be able to think anymore. You'd have to do all this, tell me to breathe, eat, walk... whatever.” Thoughts and frowns and bitten lip. "I could’ve done the same to you since we first bonded, but I didn't because I knew how dangerous it was."

Quaritch held out his hand, yet anger was still plastered on his face.

"Then do as I say and let’s go!"

"…Go where?"

"Boy, don't make me do something we'll both regret. I'm pretty mad as it is."

"I'm not moving from here until you tell me where and until you calm down. I'm not a dog that just takes orders like the one that kept making you cry outside!... You say you love me... He raped me! He mutilated me!"

"He would've done worse things to you!" Anger turned into bitter laughter. "You have no idea, boy, of what things I saved you from... what everyone would’ve wanted to do to you if I’d handed you over to them. What Lyle did would’ve seem like a walk in the park. And you, instead of appreciating that I'm not like that, that I care, you act like a bitch." Honey scent, dirty hands, green eyes. Fingers dug into his hips. "Everything I do and say Jake, it's for your own good." Words he heard once before, many years ago. The hem of his pants got pulled down and Quaritch waited for Jake's reaction. "I'm gonna fuck the bitch out of you."

Jake let his pants fall to his feet and leaned in front of the wall, resting his sweaty palms against the cold metal. Quaritch pinched his thigh and he spread his legs wider. He heard him wipe his hand on his pants. The demon's palm appeared in front of him, and he instinctively took a deep breath.

"Spit!"

Saliva on the long fingers that parted and caressed his folds. Quaritch's breath over his sensitive skin. Two fingers pulling hard against his soft walls. More saliva. Jake's tail was raised. An invitation. A hand over his swollen belly to hold him in place and three fingers finding their way brutally inside him. It fucking hurt. It had to hurt. It was a punishment, a lesson. It could be worse. Non-stop thrusts into his tight cunt, and easily, he started to get wet. When the fourth finger made its way in, he moaned slightly in pleasure. But something wasn't right, because Miles wasn't touching him in other ways, wasn't kissing him. He wasn't even taking off his pants. He thrust harder and harder until his cunt swallowed Quaritch’s knuckles, and then he knew.

"Miles, don’t! It's too much."

"Shh, be good!"

He curled his fingers in and pushed the tip of the fifth with some resistance. It was too much. He was so full. Saliva and slick bound them together. Jake dug his nails into the metal, collecting iron crust under them. Another thrust and another, and then Quaritch's entire fist was inside him. A slap across the ass marked his hot skin, and Jake didn't know if the pleasure or the pain was winning over him. But Quaritch did nothing else, he stood still, waiting. Jake squirmed, wanting to be fucked by it or for him to take it out faster, but neither was happening.

"If you want it out, push it out yourself, princess."

He took a deep breath and relaxed, letting his body do the rest. Before he knew it, his fist easily slipped out, leaving a gap behind that saddened him. It'd been quite pleasant if Jake were to be honest with himself. He then received two quick slaps over the swollen and loosened cunt that almost made him come on the spot.

“If we didn't have to be careful with the little one, I'd beat your ass until you couldn't feel it, you little nuisance. The next time I tell you to do something, you do it! And look!" He yelled, shaking his fist in Jake's face. "All this went in and out of you without a problem, so stop telling me that crap that maybe you can't give birth. You understand?" Silence, shock and ecstasy. "Jake, if you make me repeat myself again-"

"I understand!

"What exactly, ha? You ‘understand’ a lot but you don't do anything right." He’s right. Of course he is. He knows you better than you know yourself. It’s ok. Everyone argues from time to time. This is how he shows that he cares.

"I'll do what you ask of me from the start... and I'll be able to give birth very well on my own." Now kiss me, love me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Quaritch helped him pull his pants back up and turned Jake to face him. The demon of damnation and the angel of salvation, both in one body before him.

"You still wanna be my good boy, don't you? Look how bad it is when you upset me and disappoint me." He knew deep down where those words came from, that they weren’t Quaritch’s words, but of a man crushed by metal, buried under many layers of dirt.

"I'm sorry, Miles!"

"I was nice all day, I helped your son, I treated him well, and this is how you reward me, princess? The only man that was still on my side died, dead by my hand, and after all I've done for you, you resent me for wanting to bury him, not let him rot like a dog in the sun? Didn't you mourn your dead?"

"No, Miles, I didn't say that. You do whatever you want, I-”

"You know something, I won't even bother anymore. Every time you lie again I'm going to do this."

His thumb passed over Jake's lips, pressing hard where his gum and lip met, and Jake wanted to bite his finger off in pain. Earthy taste on his tongue. He continued to do this for a few seconds and Jake sat as still as he could and took his punishment. "Are you still gonna lie to me, princess?"

"No! No!" He pulled it back and rested it menacingly on his lower lip.

"Do you have any other complaints, other comments?" Jake looked at him with wide, wet eyes, afraid to answer. He saw green eyes haunting his subconscious, and he would've poured hot pitch over his face just to get rid of them forever.

"No. I'm sorry. Forgive me, Miles!” "Daddy, forgive me! I won’t do it again!"

Jake pushed his hand aside and hugged him, running his hands under his tank top, feeling his soft, warm skin. He rested his head on his shoulder and inhaled heavily the scent of honey. But Quaritch didn't hug him back.

"Miles, please. I'm sorry!" Nothing. "I love you." Don't reject me too, please, I beg you, I want you so much, I love you so much. A long sigh, followed by two strong arms catching him like a butterfly in a jar.

"I love you too, silly boy. Are you forgetting that I did it first? But you drive me so crazy sometimes, Jake…”

It seemed normal. That's the way things were supposed to be. With him stepping crooked at times, and with Quaritch ready to right those wrongs. And why interrupt a system that was working? He had learned that he shouldn't hurt the baby in any way, that it wasn't good to talk about the dead, and that if he talked shit, he'd get put in his place. He still had work to do on the last part. Or maybe that was his bane. Quaritch will always have anger in him, and he'll always have his sharp tongue. Two magnets. It was bad with badness, but it was even worse without it.

Calm spirits. The safety wave had fully returned.

"Thanks for how you acted with Lo'ak today! I appreciated it a lot. You know, he told me he's gonna try to accept it." A kiss in his hair.

"Accept it or not, it doesn't change the fact that you are my husband." Husband. He never said that word before, not in English. He'd always been either 'mate' or 'muntxatan'. "But if you're gonna care about Spider and you're gonna love the little one, then I don't see why I couldn't care about your children. The kid has potential. I could make a good soldier out of him.”

"A warrior." Jake corrected him. "My children will be warriors, not soldiers." Bow and arrows, not guns and bullets. Never those.

They broke away from each other. Quaritch held out his hand and Jake took it. He was walking arm in arm with the demon again, but it was meant to be.

"It's still late. Let's find you a comfortable place to sleep. Yes?" A light grip.

"Yes, Miles. All three of us need rest."

That place turned out not to exist so they had to build themselves something to sleep on. Jake found an old tarp covering a forging machine. They pulled close two examination tables in the lab and lay down there. It was better than sleeping on the floor. Fatigue had its say again when, without wanting to, they fell asleep in each other's arms. The problem was that they were still doing tsaheylu when the dreams took over them.

He was standing on the edge of the tub, struggling to close his ridiculously tight jeans, when she walked in on him holding two shirts. "Jakey, the white one or the black one?" "You choose, mommy." She laughed. "Of course. The black one will show the spots, but it'll make you look slimmer and compliment your beautiful blue skin." He got dressed and she braided his long hair. A bouquet of poppies lay in the sink. "Mommy, I don't want to go there." A kiss on his cheek. "Oh, my little love, when are you gonna learn that in life we only do what we really want? You go because you want to.” Warm hugs. Crosses upside down. A buzz in his ears. The hymn of a man walking to his death. He looked for his reflection in the mirror, but there was nothing there. He turned around, and he found himself in a field of poppies.

His father was there. Miles and Neytiri were there. All elegantly dressed, all with smiles on their faces, vigorously shaking hands. "Ah, the man of the hour! Come here, my love!” Cat eyes. Their shadows were shaped like ravens. "Damian, look at this! Am I not the luckiest man in the world? Trophy wife by my side all the time, and now, this handsome boy of yours as my little snack forever. What more could I want from life?" The wind blew. Crushed poppies under feet. "Miles, for how much money you gave me, you can say that I'm the winner." Laughter and toasts with glasses of champagne. "Did you sell me to him?" Disgust. The bloody sky. Scarlet rain. "To him and his friends." Miles kissed him, grabbing him lustily between his legs. "You're gonna be good, right?" You won't upset me, my little love. You'll see how much fun you'll have with my boys too. They'll prepare you every day for me, little soul.” Jake dug his fangs into his arm, wanting to run, but Miles wouldn't let go. It was raining so hard he could barely see in front of him. "Dad, don't leave me! I don't want to go with him! Forgive me!” Laughter and hands dirty with grease and blood. "Good thing your brother is dead. He doesn't have to see what a whore you've become." Tears of blood. Sorrowful sobs and cries. He fell to the ground, smearing his hands with the red juice of crushed petals. A hand settled on his shoulder.

Lyle pulled him by the kuru, lifting his head. "What are you doing down there sweetie? Come on, stand up. Do a spin sweetheart, so we can see you better too." Whistle and claps. Miles was lounging in a leather armchair, smoking, surrounded by several men and a woman. Two of them brought a pool table into the middle of the room. "Come on, little beauty, don't upset daddy! Take off your clothes and get on the table!” But he couldn't move, he was paralyzed. They helped him, undressed him, slowly, hungry hands tugging lasciviously at his clothes until they all fell into a heap. They lifted him onto the table and turned him around by the tail like a toy. More laughter, more whistling. A hard kick to the back of the leg and he fell to his knees. They tied his hands above his head. Lyle pulled him to the edge of the table, his head hanging back, his lips pressed against the demon's slit. Someone spread his legs, then spread his cunt, several fingers thrusting randomly into it. "Look boss, it's wet as a fountain." "Daddy's princess." So much laughter. He was full everywhere, in every hole, mouth, ass, cunt, so deep that he felt them all to his core. Miles was having the time of his life, choking on cigarette smoke and laughing heartily over Jake’ sobs. Spit on his skin, blade cuts, chewing gum in his hair, cigarette burns on his thigh. “Perfect little doll for daddy’s friends, aren’t you, princess?” They fucked him until he wished he could skin himself alive, burn himself from inside out. So brutal, so fast and hard and rough.

They turned him over on his stomach and continued at the same animalistic pace. "Miles, make them stop! Please! I'll do anything! Please!" But he pretended not to listen, laughed, clapped his hands and let everyone fuck him as they wanted. They gave him to drink from champagne glasses full of their cum. They skinned his tail and fed little pieces to him. Hands and dicks filling him up, mouths with fangs grazing every inch of skin. Laughter. "Miles, you promised!" Tears, snot and cum that never ended. Miles took a glass himself and poured it down his throat until it came out of his nose. "What, now you don't like it anymore? Didn't you know this was gonna happen, angel?"

A man in sunglasses slapped his cunt until it bled. The woman approached with a blade. Clean cut, stolen manhood. He saw everything through a thick smoke, frames rolled in slow motion. Agony. They kept splitting him in half with everything they could. "Miles!" "Shut up before we eat that sweet little mouth of yours, kitten!" The weight of their bodies on top of his. The smell of iron in the air. "Miles, it hurts!" "Listen guys, the poor princess is hurt.” Laughter. Hard slaps over his ass “Do you want daddy to come and give you a kiss, buttercup?” Hyenas. Smell of campfire. Miles’ sweet lips over his. "Miles, you should leave him with us for a few weeks. We’d bring him back to you perfectly trained." "No, Miles, no! Help me!" "Think of it! You could come home and he'll be waiting for you nicely, with this little mouth opened wide, ready to suck cock like his life depended on it, with this tight cunt always wet, soaking his pink panties. Never complaining again. Make him dream of your dick from morning till night.” "I'm already doing it! I want you, not them! Miles, please!" Screams and begs. They stopped.

He opened his eyes and they were both in a bathtub. Miles sponged his bruised and cut hands. He trembled under the touch of the angel before him. "I only want you, Miles!" Poppy petals in water. "Swear!" Stained glass windows on the walls. A beam of light in the shape of a cross above them. "I swear!" Bitter laugh. "My beautiful boy, you don't know how to lie!" Claws in his hair. He dunked him headfirst into the water. Voices around him of those who were no longer alive. Air. "I swear to you!" "Liar!" Water in the lungs. Air. "I swear! Tell me what to do to make you believe me!" The water. Air. "I want you to wake up and let me in.” Devil’s tail sticking out from under pearly white feathers. “Wake up, Jake! Jake! Open your eyes!"

"Jake! Open your eyes!"

He was breathing raggedly, his clothes sticking to his body from sweat. He smelled and tasted iron. Quaritch wiped his face with his tank top and Jake saw that his nose was bleeding as well. But he jumped like burned, tearing himself from the demon's hands.

"Jake, you're bleeding. Let me help you!"

"Help yourself! I don't need it, I can do it myself! Don't touch me!" He screamed and scratched Quaritch across the face, over his swollen and bruised eye. "You let them touch me!" Clashes and punches thrown in all directions. Quaritch managed to grab his wrists, climbed over him and pinned his body beneath his own.

"It was a dream! It wasn't real! Calm down! You're with me, boy." Heart over heart. Glued foreheads.

"No, it was real. You gave dad money, you made fun of me. You gave them permission to… to…” He cried. He was once again a teenager without a safe path forward, wandering the streets in hope to find what he was searching for deep in his soul. "He was supposed to protect me, but he sold me to you and then, you… you were supposed to take his place and you didn't. And I swore to you, Miles!” Quaritch kissed his forehead, as well as the cheeks he had slapped a few hours ago.

"It was just a dream, Jake! Shh, that's it, my little love! I had it too, I saw what you saw. I'd never give you up to them!” Soap bubbles that were about to burst. Shaken fantasies. But he had entered their game and could not get out. Quaritch had disappeared too, and had left the good version back on the surface, the one Jake longed for so ardently. “You’re only mine, princess. I’ve got you, my sweet boy.” More kisses, his heartbeat calming down in the slightest.

Quaritch let go of his hands and slowly lifted him off his back to wipe the remaining blood from his nose. There was an arousal smell in the air, and Jake didn't know where it came from. His head hurt, everything was a blur. Nothing made sense.

"I'm sure it happened. It was all too clear. Some of it was real." A finger over his lips.

"We fell asleep in each other's minds... The part with them is my fault, it's because of what they once said they wanted to do to you. But the rest, those were not my thoughts." Bridge of nose held tightly between two fingers to stop bleeding.

"But they’re not mine either! Do you think I'm sitting around thinking about something like that? You think I want you to be my-” He couldn't finish the sentence. It was absurd to say such a thing out loud. It was a lie. Burning comets. Supernova in golden universes.

"It was a nightmare, right, Jake?"Quaritch was whispering. No.

"Yes, obviously!"

"It was horrible, wasn't it? Everything from start to finish?” Not everything.

"Don't we speak the same language? It was terrible!” Jake replied frustrated though his voice was shaking. Quaritch waited, his concentration high on the demon's face, and then he lowered his hand to Jake's pants. So much hesitation, so much conflict on his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. Drums in Jake's ears. The whole dream flashed before his eyes.

"And their words were disgusting and filthy, weren't they?" Not all of them.

Jake gave no answer. Quaritch straightened his back, cupped Jake’s chin, his finger trailing slowly down Jake's pants.

"Then…" Quaritch swallowed hard, some kind of fear in his eyes. "Then daddy shouldn't find anything suspicious here, right, Jake?" Old soap bubble busted, another one brought back to life. And Jake didn't recognize himself anymore. He didn't know if he was the little boy hiding on the roof until the screaming stopped, if he was the teenager looking for salvation, but he was definitely no longer the adult who had learned to ignore and bury the past. He hissed through his teeth.

"They’re not my thoughts." He didn't believe it either. "There's something wrong with me... I- I don't want that..."

"And yet… you liked something." Circles in the abundance of wetness between his legs. "Do you want me to say it or do you get up the courage and admit it out loud?" It's not real. I don't want such a thing. I never wanted that from him. It wasn't real. It was a dream. It was a dream!

"It was just a fantasy. You're right, it wasn't real.” The finger penetrated him easily. He moaned drunk on the feeling.

"If it helps, it could be our fantasy. Isn't that what you want from me, to help you?" Up and down. Nerves pressed with precision. Shivers through the body. He clung to Quaritch's shoulders to keep from falling.

"I never asked you that, to pretend-"

"Yes you do, but either you really don't remember, or you don't want to admit... You like it when I do it. "No, no, I would remember. "And this...", he said grabbing his bruised shoulder. "It's exactly the same thing." The fear. The fog. "You always show me memories of you doing it without remorse, with that guy Oliver-"

"- harder, Oliver!" Moans of mixed pain and pleasure. The whites of his eyes and no thought in his head.

"I thought we agreed you’ll call me something else, handsome." Green eyes. The red outline of his imprint on his skin. A playful smile.

“I was nineteen. I was stupid.” Jake didn’t realized that Quaritch stopped moving and that he was fucking himself on his finger, filling up the palm underneath him with slick.

"But it worked, didn't it? You were happy whenever you left his house, after he gave you what you wanted. You didn't get into trouble anymore, you listened to your brother. You were good. "It was pure stupidity. Stupidity and courage given by enough cans of beer." Wouldn't you like to be like that again?" Yes! Yes! To be good. To listen. For you to be proud of me. Give me a little affection, just a little. Just that. Quaritch pulled out his hand. Sighs of frustration. "Talk to me!”

“I don’t want you to be Damian!… I- I want… I need someone who can be what he wasn’t…”

“I can give you that. Tell me, what did you like? Which part? Hmm?”

"The p-part with you…coming home." Miles pulled off his jacket, letting it fall to the floor.

"Mmm, I thought so, princess." T-shirt receiving the same fate. Hands sliding down his neck, his chest, pinching a nipple. "For daddy to come home and find you like a piece of candy ready to be devoured." Sweet sherbet kisses. "And you, my little love, how'd you wait for daddy? Would you dress nicely in my clothes?” Their cocks were rubbing against each other, both coming to life, and Jake had made a mess in his pants.

"Yes, just like now." Kisses with lust, taste of honey and iron, and their tails coiled together.

"And underneath?" Moans. Rolled eyes. His cunt and dick hurt from how turned on he was. Miles cupped his cunt in his large palm, the material of the pants driving him crazy with the friction over his swollen clit.

"In whatever you want me to be. Fucking panties, soaked wet from how much I want you.” Miles ended his agony and pulled their cocks out, stroking them both in his fist. He playfully tugged at Jake’s tail with the other.

"Um, what if my boy was disobedient?"

"Then you have to punish me, daddy." The ghostly presence of his palm on Jake's round ass. "Hit me, hard." Slap after slap. Their cocks leaking precum over Miles' fist. Miles lifted him by the hips and let him sink in, his walls molding perfectly to the shape of his cock.

"My sweet boy... I love you so much..." Butterflies in the stomach. Hummingbird wings. Tears in the eyes. No thought in his mind.

"I love you too, daddy. So much." He rested his head on Miles' shoulder.

"...Such a good boy." His good boy. "Daddy's little princess... I'm so proud of you." He felt so high on those simple words.

He was crying and getting fucked. Body to an altar, and Miles was his new savior. An old pain in his soul evaporated again like many years ago, in its place remained forgiveness and self-reconciliation. After they finished, Quaritch continued to hold him, rub his back. Small sobs escaped Jake's lips.

"Are you better. Did it help you?" A kiss on his sensitive neck.

"Yes, Miles. It was... it was good. Thank you!"

"See? That doesn't change anything. You're still my husband that drives me crazy every day." Comets meeting comets. "You're the one who'll give me the most beautiful child in the world." He stroked Jake’s swollen belly. A small laugh escaped Jake' lips. "I love it when you laugh... You're all mine, Jake... And sometimes, when you want and need, I can be someone else for you."

"I don’t want that, Miles. I want to open my eyes and see only you. Only you!" I swear to you.

"But."…But?!…”I want you to realize that you can only have all of this as long as we're together.”

Words with connotations, reused, mixed up and turned around, that gave the same meaning every time. The ring on his finger suddenly felt like it was squeezing his skin too tightly. It was time for Quaritch to mess up, for him to use the wrong words. Jake's smile disappeared.

"Sure, Miles, whatever you say." He pulled himself away from Quaritch's hot body and began to get dressed.

"Nah, get back here! I know that tone.”

"There's no tone, I just wanna go look for herbs for your wounds. I know a few that will help you heal faster." Pants. T-shirt. The jacket. Hidden communicator in the pocket. "I'll be back soon!" A short kiss of reassurance, and another one for good measure, and he ran off. After making sure Quaritch wasn't following him, he took off his ring and ran to the entrance of the forest thicket. The sun had risen, but the sky was gray with clouds. Somewhere in the distance, he could hear a thunder.

The storm outside had made him be late. That was going to be his lie. He had learned the way to Oliver's house better than he knew his own, but today he'd walk to his dirty little secret for the last time. Knock on the door. Clouds of cigarette smoke billowing from the apartment.

"You're late. I've been waiting for you for an hour... You didn't even answer your phone.” Alcohol on his breath.

“Sorry! Busy day and the storm didn’t help.”

“Come on in!” Jake gave him a fake smile. Tap on his shoulder.

" Just so you know,  I didn't come for ‘that’. I came to talk." Oliver brought beers. He took Jake by the shoulders and they both slumped into the leather armchair, with Jake in his lap.

"Come on! That’s it? Are you bored of me? I thought I fucked you good." Oliver lit a cigarette.

" What we did on Friday… that was the last time. In three days I'm leaving for Venezuela." A kiss full of nicotine.

"Pff, that's what you always say, handsome, and you still end up at my door." Mouths fighting, one to flee, the other to dominate. "And, so what if you leave? I can help you when you get back." Sinful touches. Red lights in the room from the neon lights on the street. Jake fought himself to get up and just leave. He barely managed to get up. He stood awkwardly in front of Oliver.

“I have to go home. Thanks for everything you did but, it’s over.” Grey smoke blown in his face. Oliver stood up imposing. Jake backed away until he hit the pool table. Oliver trapped him with his arms on each side, his breath on Jake’s face. Fingers finding their ways between Jake’s legs, palming his dick.

“We can still have fun. Why call it off when it was so good?”

“Oliver, don’t! He pushed at his chest but the fucker stood his ground. Hands trying to undo his pants. “Fuck off of me!” A fist in the jaw, and Oliver let him go.

“Fine. Good luck finding someone else to tolerate your fucking daddy issues, orphan freak!” Jake punched him hard in the face, blood flying out his mouth onto the floor. Gut knee kick. Another punch. Lightning and thunder. Spit between green eyes.

“Fuck you!” Red thunders.

He blinked often, the rain flooding his blurry vision. Two fingers raised from the communicator buttons. Shivers from the cold water. What are you doing, Jake? What the hell are you doing? He leaned his head against the trunk of a tree, looking back towards Hell’s Gate.

—-

"Very good! And now you should crush it like this... but we're just gonna tear it between our fingers." Leaves with coppery sap in his palms. "You squeeze out all this sap and rub your palms together to warm it up." Dark red paste. "And now, just close your eye."

Jake let the paste spread carefully over Quaritch's wounds, over the bruises and cuts left by Lyle, over the cut on his arm left by Lo'ak.

"And you say that this magic weed will speed up the process? I hope it's not poison, princess.”

"Tsk, if I wanted to poison you, you'd be dead by now." Paste on his abdomen. Quaritch grabbed his hand out of nowhere.

"Where's your ring?" Jake flinched annoyed.

"Calm down! It's in a safe place. I- I didn't want to get it dirty.”

"Put it back on!" Jake ignored him. He removed his hand and continued to tend to Quaritch's wounds. Hardened blood. Dark red paste. Blue skin. He felt like he was painting. Soap bubbles. Quaritch took a deep breath and threw his head back.

"Forgive me!" Pandora stood still again. "Forgive me for how I behaved with you! I know I was wrong… I was angry and sad, I took it all out on you and you didn't deserve it.” More paste between the fingers. Absent look. A touch on his stomach. "I wish when we leave here that we do it right, as a family, for him."

"Family?!" Jake laughed. "You're funny. Family, Miles, if your revived brain has forgotten, it's not just the parents.” He took a piece of gauze from Lo'ak's remaining one and wrapped it around the wound on his arm. Apparently he had struck a chord because Quaritch suddenly melted, tail down, head down, shoulders slumped. "But it is what it is, isn't it? This little one will grow up alone, alienated, another freak of Pandora, because his father was a coward, who wanted to hide in a hole with his 'love' for the rest of their lives!" Jake put his head in his hands, pulling at his hair. "But everything is ok. It’s ok! Because we want to make ‘daddy’ happy, so the three of us will live in that hole happily ever after!" The earth revolved with him.

"Three months!" Quaritch shouted with exasperation in his voice.

"What?"

"Give me three more months! Just you and me and nobody else. And after that… I'll take you back to them." Jake snorted with laughter as Quaritch fought not to let tears from his eyes spill out, a slight shadow of anger rising within him.

"I don't fall for your lies anymore! Oh, Great Mother… You, taking me back…” Jake laughed until tears came out. "If this is another test of yours, know that it's the worst one yet." Quaritch punched the table.

"I'm serious!"

"Aha, sure. And I'm not crazy to believe you either, I’m not crazy for falling in love with you... A few hours ago you almost killed me for thinking that-” Quaritch grabbed his jaw and shut his mouth. He was trembling, his gaze was somewhere on the floor.

"I don't have anyone anymore... I'm all by myself in this strange world. When I was human, I didn't care about these little things, but now…” He tapped his foot.

“You have me, dumbass.” All the force in the world to not just melt at his mate’s sadness, at his honesty.

"It doesn’t feel like it… Three months! You've already stayed this long, what’s three more? And after…” A feather-like touch on the place where gold was supposed to adorn his hand. "I'll take you back even if they try to kill me. I’d rather go out like before, staring death in the face. I'll fight to the end." Soap bubbles. Jake's mind raced again to dreams, old premonitions, to bridges over lichen waters, to the waves of a raging sea, to a place where Na'vi and humans lived together, to a place where Quaritch was part of his family. Jake brought his forehead together with his mate's, a power of forgiveness welling up within him.

"They'll accept you because I did, but more than that, because Eywa accepted you, Miles." A snap of the fingers. Quaritch's attention regained. "I'll never forget what you did, neither human or recom, but I can forgive, in time. If you can convince me that I can forgive you, then you can convince them too." Burning comets. Fire rekindled. “However, how come you changed your mind so suddenly?” A long sigh. Hands finding their place on his warm swollen belly.

"I'm tired of losing, princess… and, unfortunately, you're right. I thought about all the options, in every way. If something bad happened to you-“

”It won’t.”

“If it does, I'd be useless, I could only watch you die. I-..." Eyes lift up to the ceiling. "I can't dig any more graves, Jake. I just can’t."

From that angle, Jake spotted a gash on Quaritch's skin that he had missed. He took another leaf to rectify the problem.

"Swear to me, on this child's life, that you'll keep your word." Jake pressed a little too hard into the open wound. Quaritch flinched. "Swear to me!"

"I swear!'

Jake stepped back, imaginary marble key of the heart in his hand. He pulled out the ring from his pocket and put it back on his finger. He looked deep into those sinful eyes, eyes of rage and passion, and let the devil back in through the front door for what he hoped would be the last time.

Chapter Text

They stayed there for two more days, a time none of them could take back, filled with death stares, with heartwarming longing kisses, with "I'm sorry!", "I love you!", and "I hope I'll never see you again!". For two extremely long days, they let it all out, the good and the bad, so they could move forward without remorse or hatred. They both needed space to some extent. One ran outside, flying high into the sky until he felt he could melt under the sun, and fell with grace for the first time for the person he now cherished most. The other stood inside with his thoughts, looking for calmness, for quiet, for just a bit of peace of mind, and when it went too quiet, he ran back to the man that kept the avalanche alive. No matter the amount of venom they had for each other, when their eyes locked back together, every single drop vanished and they just embraced like it was their last moment alive. Apologies and explanations, and more apologies and soft touches of the flesh. They smiled by the end of it, laughed, cried, slept it off.

On the second day, they repeated it, burning off any last residue of sorrow, blame, grief, regret and mournfulness of those last few days. In the afternoon, Jake was left by himself again after some final harsh words regarding 'the incident'. He thought that, with Quaritch there, it would get easier, that he would forget about those murderous hands on his hips, that specific body weight over his, that gut wrenching scent invading and marking him. But it just wouldn't go away, no matter where his mind wondered, no matter how hard he dug his nails into his bruises, the sensation and memory where still imprinted in his being. "You let me there knowing what was gonna happen! I fucking detest you! You wanted it to happen! Are you happy now? Are you? You got what you wished for..."

He might had even thrown a punch somewhere in there, he wasn't sure, but the pain in his knuckles was as good of an indication that it happened. He wasn't sure of a lot of things anymore. So when Quaritch stormed off, to let him breathe and calm down, Jake took a glimpse of himself in the reflection of the window and he couldn't believe his eyes. Whatever crumb he thought was left of the old Jake Sully, it just didn't exist anymore, a stranger was looking back at him. Is that what Lo'ak saw? Is this what my sweet boy saw as his father? The shadow of a man. A mold of flesh and bones he did not recognize. And he backed away in fright. This isn't me! I'm not like this! I know who I am. Fangs bite in arms to stop himself from screaming. In the corner of his eye he could see a shadow, looming over the room's entrance. You let the devil in, sinner. But the shadow passed, silently, fast, like it wasn't even there. He could’ve left you to rot in that killing pain. You would’ve taken your own life in the end. But he didn't do it, he helped you. He saved your life. Who would accept you otherwise?... Look at you... I need him so much. The fog returned a bit clearer than other times. It enveloped his mind in that old familiar cobweb. Moments of clarity swept away by a blink of an eye and he went back in time.

There were some nights when he would wake up from tremendous, terrifying nightmares, leaving him all sweaty and drained. There were no lights on, his brother probably still at work. Around the room, shadows were coming to life, taunting him for what he had done, and he had the feeling that at any moment something bad was going to jump at his throat. At times like that he would grab a beer from his hiding place, lie down in front of the front door, with his back to the bathroom wall, and he would wait. He didn't take his eyes off the doorknob. He had repeated the same movements so many times that it seemed to him that he was performing a ritual. Eyes on metal, lips on bitter metal, numbing liqueur down his throat. Then came the prayers, the ones he wouldn't admit out loud. “Let her come back. Bring her back to us. Just for a day… for an hour… for a minute. I want to see her one more time.” But the door remained shut. “Even him. Send him. It would be better than nothing. I forgave him.” Yet, nothing changed. He had hope though, in those last few seconds, when he heard the rustle of keys in the doorknob. Each time it was none other than Tommy. "What are you doing there on the floor? Is that a beer? Tell me it's a joke… throw that shit right- “

“-doing on the floor? Come on, little love. Up you go!” But Jake resisted him, keeping himself in the same spot on the floor. “Come on, princess!”

He wished it could be that easy, that he could just pick himself up and move on with his life as if everything was as it should be. Ever since Quaritch had first controlled his mind, his thoughts, his body, dark thoughts had crept through Jake's mind, some he wanted to try even though he knew the implications. But that might've been the last opportune moment for him to ask for such a thing, assuming Quaritch would accept.

Jake pulled Quaritch down instead, climbed into the demon's lap, the place from where he knew if he asked nicely he was more likely to get it. Quiet comets on their course. Jake didn't want to see that, he wanted the pieces of rock burning, gasoline ignited by a match, he wanted that spark of hatred in the eyes of the demon that had stolen his life so many months ago.

"Miles, I wanna ask you to do something and I need you to say 'yes' no matter what it sounds like. It's the last thing I ask of you." Quaritch gave him a suspicious look, clearly disturbed by his words.

"Depends… What do you want?"

"It's just an idea and it's pretty bad, but I wanna try it just once. It's more of a curiosity. And… that would be the last time that… when I let you do whatever you want.” Quaritch looked at him like he was crazy. And maybe he really was.

"I hate it when you do that. Just say what you have to say!”

"I want you to try to change a memory for me. I want you to get inside my head and force me to recall something else. And you can-"

"No! Oh my God, Jake!” Palm over his mouth. "You've gone crazy, huh? You told me with your own goddamn mouth what could happen and now-” Jake pulled his hand away, snarling at him.

"One time! Last time!”

"And if it goes right, then what? With you nothing is 'one time'. You're going to ask me over and over again, same way you ask me to hit you, which by the way, I think of cutting some of that off too." No no no, be nice to me, but not that much, you idiot.

"Maybe it won't work... Anyway, I won't ask for that ever again. I promise! Come on! You said you wanted us to leave here reconciled." Illusions made out of soap. If he had been able to change his memories of the last few months, he would've been drunk with elation. It would've been easier for him to tell a story, a believable one for his family, if he was convinced that his words were genuine.

Quaritch brought his kuru forward, hesitation still in his eyes, the comets extinguished.

"What exactly do you want to change?"

"The memory from the beach. I want you to make it look like I did all those on my own. That you gave me the knife and I cut my things off me, my hair, that I stood there for you to put handcuffs on me and that I didn't resist, that I left with you willingly." Hearing himself letting that version exist sent shivers down his spine.

"So precise… You've been thinking about it for a while, didn’t you?" Tendrils connected. “Fine, you lil menace. Last time!” Electricity to the bone marrow. Cognitive euphoria. Sequences from the past immediately flooded his gaze. He was back there, in the burning sand stained with their blood, a premonition of what was to come.

"Take the knife, Sully! Do as I say if you don't want me to go back and take out your wife's guts." The hilt pressed into his palm, Quaritch's weight over his pelvis, the smell of iron in the air mixed with sweat and the hideous scent of the demon. Jake took the knife with shaking hands. "If you do anything stupid, I'll destroy them, boy, and I'll make you watch every second of it." Jake cut off his possessions, the chocker, the arm bands, leaving the songcord for last. Quaritch tore them all from his hands and tossed them into the churning waves of the sea. "Now this wild hair! Cut it!” Every time he raised his arms to grab a strand, the relentless, burning sand dug deeper into the gaping wounds left by the ikran. He wanted to scream. Slashed by the blade. His head getting lighter with each piece that fell next to his body.

When he was done, the demon took back his knife, its blade caressing Jake's lips, and he froze. The kiss of death. The tip penetrated his lips and he opened his mouth, blade pressed flat against his tongue. "I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully! You’ll come with me, mouth stays shut all the way. Not a sound! If you play the brave part, they'll be the ones to pay. You heard me?" Jake nodded. Burning eyes. The twinkle in the demon's gaze. Quaritch rubbed his pelvis against his once more and stood up. "Hands forward, Sully!" He listened. He sat obediently to be handcuffed. Everything hurt, his body was exhausted. Jake didn't resist anymore, he walked alongside the demon without any protest to where his ikran was. Out of nowhere, an atokirina flew over their heads-

The new images replayed before his eyes over and over, each one a little more detailed, a little more convincing, Quaritch's voice ringing firmly in his mind. Jake felt the blood from his nose dripping down his chin, on his hands clasped in his lap, but he didn't stop Quaritch. Sand, blade, threats, walking away willingly, atokirana. Over, and over, and over again. Drops of blood and his brain hacked and reassembled. He knew the moment when something went wrong, when the threads of reason broke in an attempt to remove the real memory.

He fell headfirst directly into Quaritch's chest. His vision was blurry, he couldn't focus on what he was seeing. Rumbles were coming out of his throat, someone else's words. The electricity was gone, but he remained in that state. Fingers over his nose, snapping sounds.

"Enough, come on, eyes on me! Stop crossing your eyes! Jake!” Scared tone. Light touches over his face. “Jake! Fuck-… Jake…”

Sand. Blood. Atokirina. Sand. Snapping sounds. Blade on tongue. Handcuffs. Pressure on the bridge of his nose. Snapping and sniffing above him. Head slightly shaken.

He snapped out of it, his gaze focusing on Quaritch, his blue skin turning ashy.

“Are you alright? Tell me you’re alright.”

“I am! I am… Stop talking! I feel like my head will burst.”

He hoped it had worked because it felt awful, like Quaritch had scrambled his brains with a spoon and tried to scoop them up his nose. Quaritch brought him water, wiped the blood off of him, and sat quietly by his side, gently rubbing his wrists. Jake forced himself to quiet his racing mind. Cobwebs and strings tangled and rearranged themselves to plant the narrative stuffed into his head with a red-hot iron.

"I shouldn't have asked you to do that..."

"I told you, but you never-"

"Yeah, yeah, I never listen... Shit… I guess you liked it though. You're still creative with threats.” Quaritch suddenly averted his gaze. "Don't play the innocent card, not after all the shit I admitted to you."

"I just wanted it to feel like another plausible memory." Quaritch answered shrugging. Jake came back to himself enough to easily notice the subtle flick of his ear, the way the tip of his tail wagged, the specific frown on his face when he was hiding something. Then it was time to switch positions again, for Jake to be the one grabbing Quaritch's chin hard, forcing him to look him straight in the eye. He would've immortalized that slightly lost look, one that didn't know what to expect.

"I know you love me now, I’m not denying that. But be honest, you get hard at the thought of me as your hostage… from the time I pissed myself from fear of what you might do to me.” Quaritch tried to wriggle out of Jake's grip. "You would like to see me like that again, terrified, helpless, at your mercy." Jake let him go. Comets burning, but in response he received a deep kiss.

"If I wanted that, princess, you'd still be in the shack now, without the baby, with me giving life to their crazy ideas." Another kiss, more heated, full of feelings, of desire. Their tongues savoring each other's taste. His lip was caught for a few seconds between the sharp fangs. "I just want you like this, little soul. You have no idea what you do to me when I see you with your round belly, with our little boy in there." Sweet kisses on his forehead. "When we leave here tomorrow, I don't want you to have any doubts about how much I care about you."

"It depends, 'old man'. No more death stares or screaming, no more hate out of the blue? You’re done with that?" Quaritch snorted.

"Right after you finish with bad ideas, lies and disobedience." They both laughed, Jake a little less knowing that he wasn't going to give up on innocent little lies or the secret in his jacket pocket any time soon. Jake shook his hand, a silly smile plastered on his face.

"Well then, how about tomorrow we turn a new page?"

"With rules though!" Quaritch quickly filled in, and Jake rolled his eyes. "Nah, you shook hands with me. It applies! No more bullshit! When I tell you to do something, I want you to do it, without a thousand questions and objections." Jake shoved him back by the shoulders and pulled at his tail.

"Ok, boss! But only if you stop breathing down my neck for every fucking move I make. I raised four children and you act like I'm the child! I'm a man for fucks sake!” Quaritch grinned at him.

"Sometimes. Other times you are my rebellious, stupid princess. And rarely, you’re also a bitch." Jake pounced on him, claws digging into Quaritch's cheeks.

"Open your mouth, jerk, and you'll see the bitch ripping your tongue out." Quaritch snorted. He grabbed Jake by the back of his head and pulled him to his chest, suffocating him a little. The smell of arousal was lingering thinly in the air.

"New page, princess?" Jake gave in and hugged him too.

"New page, demon."

—-

Living in paradise was simple. All you needed was a good place to shelter, a source of water, a place to hunt for food, nothing else, and they found them all, far to the west, in a no man's land. There were no clans around that they needed to fear, no one for miles around recognized Toruk Makto's face. So there were slim chances for anyone to find them and to wonder what he was doing so far away from his family with a stranger, dressed in sky people clothes, with a big, round belly waiting for a child.

So for the two of them, paradise had begun at the edge of a corner of the forest and a hilly valley, separated by a river, in the thicket of leaves, in another cave spotted at the last moment by Quaritch. Sheltering there was the easiest, they wouldn't have had the time or materials to build a marui. They had to make do with rock and coolness, but they had the advantage of being out of sight of possible passers-by in those areas.

For the first few days they both quickly went to work, Quaritch listening to Jake's every direction, and together, they improved the new place they would call 'home' for a few months. The first thing they assembled was a makeshift bed, a mat woven by both of them in two days. It had been torture for Quaritch, having to sit still for so many hours and just repeat the same hand movements over and over. Jake had laughed at him, explaining that things like that went much faster in a clan, where everyone contributed a little and chores were shared among all. Every time Quaritch complained, Jake reminded him of this detail.

The first week passed like a dream, Jake's heart growing with joy that his mate was trying harder than ever to be different. Quaritch still had a lot to learn, but each day Jake brought him closer to the culture and the way they were meant to live. Their evenings always left room for practicing the language, all the while Jake spoke to him only in Na'vi, sometimes secretly laughing at the way Quaritch still slurred the words, remembering his own mistakes and failures from the beginning. It was kind of nice to relive those moments, and for him to be in the teacher's position. It gave him a sort of purpose, a small function, because Quaritch wouldn't let him do much else, always afraid that too much effort would endanger the baby's life. Jake only assisted while Quaritch carried water for them, wood gathered from the forest, he was the one who hunted, the one who butchered the prey and prepared it for their simple meals. That left Jake with little to do.

Apparently, effort didn't count when it came to sex, and they were having the same amount of it as before. They couldn't get enough of each other, always touching, always sending each other playful glances, the flame between them burning with the same intensity. "We have to take advantage of the time you still have a little belly." The perfect excuse to give the green light to all their carnal pursuits. They were both feeding their fantasies. Innocent soap bubbles. Quaritch had played his new role once more, though Jake insisted that, behind that word, the meaning was different for him. Jake, in turn, filled Quaritch's head with little phrases that he knew would drive him crazy, with innocent promises, that he'd always stay full of his mate’s cum, that he'd give him as many children as he wanted, that he'd always wait for him with a wet and open cunt. It wasn’t that far from the truth anyway.

Those simple things made up their paradise, and they were both confident that they were laying the foundations for a relationship that would finally work. But danger was always lurking in the air, ready to pounce and destroy the circle of trust formed with so much difficulty. It was all Jake's fault. He had never found the courage to confess to Quaritch about the item he kept hidden, always flinching every time Quaritch wanted to hug him while Jake was wearing the jacket, or when Quaritch asked for it to wash it in the river. Jake was always juggling ways to hide the truth. He could tell it was stupid, an irrational fear considering Quaritch was determined to take him back, but the strange freedom this piece of technology gave him was hard to put into words. His biggest fault was that he often failed to be too subtle, so he had to lie.

"It smells like you, I don't want you to wash it off." "You suffocate me when you hold me in your arms with all these layers on.” The key to escape the little lies was to quickly distract him with sweet words and soft kisses.

The days continued to pass them by, sometimes slowly, sometimes lightning fast, but it was going to be okay, they were going to do their best to keep things changing for the better.

—

"Close your eyes and keep them that way until I tell you!" He rummaged through his backpack, looking for the carefully hidden items he had worked so hard to create in secret.

"Sully, if you put one of those winged bugs on me like the ones you were playing with the other day, I swear I'll stick it up your ass and let it buzz there!" Jake chuckled, glancing back to make sure Quaritch wasn't cheating.

"Mm, don't make me a promise I might enjoy." He turned back, sitting carefully next to Quaritch, their backs against the cave wall. Jake placed the items in his palm and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Open your eyes, love."

The bead was the easiest to make. When Quaritch went hunting, Jake went on his own adventure in search of resin. A small amount, a few drops of his blood, the resin left to harden in the sun, and the first gift was ready.

“For your songcord. It's my promise to you, seeing as you gave me the ring. It's not the same as gold but-“

"It's perfect!" A sweet kiss on his lips. The bead wrapped on the leather string that Quaritch had begun to wear sometimes. "And this?"

"I almost gave up on the mask with you always keeping an eye on me. The right word for it is ionar. It is specially designed for flight. It'll protect your eyes when you're diving at high speeds." Quaritch ran his fingers over the triple-braided leather, over the ornamental bones, and over the bits of wings attached to the base.

"It's really beautiful. Thank you, princess! Help me put it on.” Jake had breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that it fit Quaritch perfectly. He was stuck for a few seconds, staring at the burning comets, at the young face in front of him. Quaritch closed his agape mouth with a finger against his jaw.

"Easy now, you're drooling." Jake stepped back in shame. A chuckle eased the awkward tension. Quaritch helped him to his feet.

"Come on, my kitten in heat, let me give you a flight to cool you off!"

With each of his flights, Quaritch had grown more secure and confident in the bond created between him and his ikran, allowing him to perform all manner of mid-air juggling. They were all meant to impress Jake, he knew it. He carried them as high as he could in the sky, diving like a bullet against the force of the wind, gliding through the vegetation, with sharp turns, with spins and loops. With colorful laughter when Quaritch told him to take the reins, and they played a game with Quaritch trying to guess from Jake's position and movements where he wanted to fly.

They played in the same way that day, when Quaritch tested his gift and gave Jake the ride of his life. At the end, poor Cupcake was panting heavily, tired of the constant double weight that was increasing on its back little by little with each passing day. They landed in a pass between the hills, a small place of refuge where they spent a few nights. He could fly the ikran up to a certain point, the road narrowing too much for them to continue flying. It had been raining again for the past few days, a stifling feeling deeply felt around.

Quaritch abandoned his mask and sweaty T-shirt, and they continued to walk through the rocks and puddles, the opening to the clouded sky above their heads. A portion of the road was taken over by the cold water of a small waterfall tumbling out of the rocks. That was where Quaritch took the role of a knight, carrying Jake on his back so he wouldn't get wet until they got to the opposite side. A few atokiranas were already blessing their path up ahead, in their dance carried by the wind. Every time they returned there, they inevitably found the seeds too, and Jake knew it was a special place, charged with Eywa's spirit.

But that night, Jake was surprised to find and see for the first time two lifeless atokirinas, crushed against the fallen rocks.

"In all the years I've lived here, I've never seen anything like this before."

"Maybe something fell on them, or an animal’s to blame."

"No way! Nothing ever hurts them… well, that was until people arrived.” Quaritch looked around, eyes narrowing for something out of place.

"There are no steps besides ours. It was probably just an accident."

They continued on their way, leaving behind the little tragedy that had shaken something in Jake's soul. It's a bad sign. Something's not right. At the same moment that he turned his head to look back once more, a shadow on the top of the pass flashed quickly before his eyes. He looked for it for a few more seconds, but the shadow was gone.

—

Jake was lounging in the sun, gently massaging his belly where the skin tightened a little from how stretched it was, teasing Quaritch with his cravings. Sixteen weeks and four days, not that he was counting, and he was eager to feel him move already. Quaritch sat sullenly on his knees at the river's edge, washing their clothes in the freezing water.

"Oh my God, or one of those chocolate and hazelnut rolls. I would give a year of my life for that. Oh, or a warm apple pie and before that maybe some Buffalo wings and a burger.” Quaritch growled, water lapping harder around him. "How can I forget sushi!?... An ex-girlfriend knew the coolest place where you could order the most authentic sushi, with real imported fish."

"You can call that Sarah by name. It's not like you remembered the others' names.”

"Fuck you! You're jealous that I was messing around, having fun, when you were shoveling cow shit at your perfect farm when you were my age. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, vanilla ice cream-“

"Sully, you wouldn't know what real food tasted like even if it hit you in the face!… If we were still on Earth, I wouldn't let you eat that chemical shit." Jake shot him a look through his lashes, ready to deliver his acid retort. That morning he felt like stumping on Quaritch’s nerves.

"If we were on Earth, I'd be in my old body, so I wouldn't be pregnant, and you'd be too old to stop me. You could barely keep your farts inside your ass, grandpa.” Jake flinched as he felt the cold wave of water thrown mercilessly in his direction.

"Go to the shade, you lil nuisance! Your brains are melting in the sun." When Jake refused to budge, Quaritch threw some more water on him. "Take off those pants and come over here!" Jake quickly took them off and threw them in Quaritch’s face, ready to run past him and get out of there, but Quaritch grabbed him by the tail in the last second. Cold fingers pinched and tickled him until Jake slid to the ground as well, barely able to breathe from the laughter.

"Are you still saying I'm old, princess?"

"The oldest ancient mummy!" He spat between small gasps of air and fits of laughter. Quaritch leaned over him, filling his fist with cold water, and slapped Jake across the ass.

"If you don't take that back, I'll put you over my knees and I'll show you what ‘grandpa’ can do to you." Quaritch replied between kisses and bites on Jake's sensitive neck.

"I thought you were washing our clothes..." Another cold and stinging slap. "Alright ! I'm sorry! You're my handsome, young husband!” A finger made its way between his lips, pressing the skin above his gum.

"Little liar. I think you deserve more than a spanking.”

Maybe it was the light cast strangely through the leaves, or maybe his mind was playing tricks on him from how vigorously Quaritch fucked him, but in the shadows, in the vast landscape around them, Jake felt something watching them.

—

Jake freaked out when it first happened. He awoke in the middle of the night to gasps and grunts, not understanding what was happening, until he realized Quaritch was having nightmares. They were getting more and more frequent, and Jake imagined they were brutal, because after waking him, Quaritch would go for a few minutes to walk around outside of the cave, but those minutes usually turned into half an hour or maybe even longer. He had always refused to talk to Jake about them and had repeatedly asked him not to search for them through the bond. Jake respected his decision and helped him as much as he could. When Jake awoke before him, he would relieve him of that suffering, waking him with little kisses on the forehead, with warm caresses on the chest, with sweet words of comfort.

Sometimes he wondered if he was in the middle of those nightmares, if Quaritch dreamed of him being torn apart by the knife, or if he was the one holding it.

One night he didn't wake him up, he let him suffer. He couldn't have said why, he just wanted to look at him like that, his face contorted with pain, agitated, sweaty, his eyes fluttering madly under his lids. He watched him struggle in pain with the same numbness in his soul as when he and Tommy accidentally saw their father at the funeral. I'm glad you're suffering too. That's what he thought back then, and looking at Quaritch, he almost thought it again.

—

"I wanted to play with it first!"

"You played yesterday too, it's my turn!"

"Mommy!"

"Hey! Don't make me come over there. If you don't share nicely as brothers, none of you plays with the toy anymore."

A strong hand grabbed his waist before he collapsed to the ground. Jake leaned his head against Quaritch for a few seconds.

"When will it end? I'm so over it..."

"Come on, you're better. You had two days in a row without any dissociation.” He patted him on the shoulder. "Do you want to go back?" Jake shook his head, yanking the weapon back from Quaritch's hands and continued on their way.

He had hardly persuaded him to let him shoot. Jake was afraid he was going to lose his skill, plus he needed something to pump adrenaline into his veins, to make him focus. There was no point in keeping so many bullets. Quaritch was used to hunting with a bow, and if the people came back looking for them, Jake would snap their heads off with his bare hands as he'd done before. The assault rifles were just gathering dust in a corner of the cave.

He fired a few shots, feeling glad he still got what it takes to aim properly. Targets in sight, "headshots" always hit.

"Let me show you a trick I used to practice with the boys in Venezuela. Reversed prone position."

Jake laid back in the grass, his head bent far back and his gun held backwards. It forced you to aim upside down, but it was a good exercise. He sighted the top of a cliff and prepared to fire. Quaritch was close to him, too close. There was an imbalance in that image, with Jake having so much power between his fingers, with Quaritch staring blankly at the rock in a nonchalant, too-relaxed pose. Jake could always turn- turn around and blow his brains out.

He clumsily pulled the trigger, the bullet ricocheting into the grass near his head. He dropped the weapon instantly, his hands shaking and his breath hitched.

"Take it! Take it!" He pushed it with his leg towards Quaritch.

"What’s wrong? What happened?" The fog. Pain.

“Slap me!" Jake pleaded through gritted teeth. "I deserve it. I thought of something... fucking slap me.”

"Tell me what for." But Jake couldn't. -turn around and blow his brains out.-turn around and blow his brains out. He winced, streams of tears sliding down his face into the grass.

"Hit me!"

They went back home with a few bullets missing and a red cheek.

—

The hardest thing for him to admit was that there might be a chance that he would never heal, that his sin of severing the sacred bond between himself and Neytiri would make him forever live with the consequences. They had been living there for a month, in their little paradise, fearless, in their bubble that had mostly been filled with only happiness, in which they purely loved each other and made tsaheylu countless times, but Jake was not getting better. His mind was just as tangled, foggy and cobwebbed, his past constantly knocking at his door, and against his will, the door remained open.

All that helped him were the bruises. His bitter unrecognized addiction. But life was fighting against him again, when Quaritch decided to continue to become the perfect man, the ideal husband. If he kept his oath, they only had two months to fix their relationship, to return to his family with a convincing story, proof that Quaritch deserved to be one of them. And Quaritch realized he wasn't going to be congratulated if he returned with Jake in a dozen shades of blue and purple.

Jake's desire to forget grew steadily. But Quaritch gave him less and less pain, until he stopped for good, now matter how hard Jake begged for it, no matter how good he behaved, how he did everything his mate said, how wet and open he remained under him, how well he made all their whore-ish naughty fantasies come true. An entire week of begging, of pleading and Quaritch never landed those sweet blows over his arms or his shoulders. He knows you need to stop. You know you need to stop. So just fucking do it, like you did before. Let it end. Heal without it. Useless thoughts that stopped working. So in return, he started doing it itself. Another lie. Another soap bubble. Whenever Quaritch wasn't around, Jake took every single second of the opportunity to fix the problem. Hard pinches until blood vessels popped. Hard pressure over them to keep everything fresh and hurtful. But one little white lie builds slowly around itself a boulder of other lies, piling one on top of each other. "I was walking to the river and I didn't saw that tree... I tripped over a rut and I fell on a sharp rock…" and more shitty childish excuse thrown around like it was nothing. He got away with those kinds of dumb lies before, when Tommy looked the other way, until he found about Oliver, when he thought every single bruise on Jake's body was from his scuffles around the city with those questionable friends of his.

So now he just stayed up at night, after he made sure Quaritch was fast asleep next to him, and let himself get lost behind that physical pain. Nails scrapping, thumb dipping over purple, reddish bruises. He would press so hard that his vision turned white, but that's what did the trick, what put back away into his mental coffin all those nightmares and horrors. If he pressed hard enough, he would forget details like how the shackles and handcuffs burned and cut his skin like sandpaper, how his stomach boiled inside from hunger, how he wanted to scream and spit and choke and die after the first time he was fed cum from a plastic cup. And it worked to some extent. It blurred the lines. After he was done each time, he could happily turn on his side and let sleep take over, knowing he was in the arms of a man that he loved, a man he was gonna have a child with, the one whose past was trying to forgive and maybe forget for good one day.

The problem with his whole plan was that he kept forgetting that Quaritch wasn't Tommy. His brother was too busy with work, with studying, with the house, with the little free time he got, to spare too many minutes into checking Jake's wounds. It was actually more concerning to him if Jake didn't have at least one bruise on his body. Jake played them all off gracefully, because Tommy had enough on his plate, because his brother needed to focus on the important matters, not his stupid sorry ass who took one advice from a French girl one night, and rolled with it like he knew what he was doing. He sometimes blamed Vivienne for ever speaking to him, for using her charms to seduce a black hole of an idea in his brain, but he came to the conclusion that if it wasn't that, it'd be something else.

Quaritch on the other hand, couldn't be tricked with Jake's sugar-like innocent tone for infinity and with all the evidence right there in his face. The same places, the same color bruises, never healing, never fading away after so many days. So when enough was enough, another soap bubble burst out of existence, and all its contents and consequences fell straight into Jake's lap. The disadvantage in promising each other they'll change for the better was that Quaritch was actually doing it, if either for himself, Jake, or the baby, he could not quiet tell. Maybe for his favorite one out of the three, maybe for all of them, maybe even for the external factor that was Spider. The bluntness of his mate went away, leaving space for a new method of bringing shame into Jake's bones, because Quaritch would talk like he did himself years ago with his kids, with a soft voice, pointing out the facts, leaving them draw the conclusion that he knew what they did wrong without smearing it in their faces.

Burning logs and branches, freshly cut meat over the mystified fire, grey smoke rising towards an abundance of stars. Near the fire, Quaritch was applying the red paste over Jake's bruises, just like he did every night, with patience and a light touch. Yet, behind that exterior calmness, Jake could sense the storm that was coming from the way Quaritch's eyes burned in the same way as the embers.

"I think you didn't give me all the steps in making this shit, princess. It looks like it doesn't work no more." Jake gave a tiny shrug, his eyes glued to the floor, unable to look him in the eyes when the white lies danced out of his mouth.

"It's the same. Maybe you just put too little."

"I'm bathing you in it and yet, they’re still there."

"Well then maybe the body is focusing on the baby and not on some stupid bruise..."He should've learned when to shut up, when to stop digging his own grave. You mentioned the kid, now here comes the fucking lecture.

Quaritch stood silent, his fingers brushing over so lightly, so that the skin would absorb the paste within. And that uncharacteristic silence was what made Jake shiver in anticipation. He looked at the fire and waited for the snarky comment to arise, for the harsh tone to come out, he would’ve taken even a slap to the face in that moment, anything than the painful wait of a reaction.

"How did you stop before?" That was it. One question, one that shook the ground and let him know that Quaritch wasn’t that big of a blind idiot. Jake instantly felt bad but after lying for so long, it felt worse to just admit it.

“Stop what? I don’t know what you mean.” His own words made him want to throw himself into that fire. It was hard to admit it after all the good progress they were making.

Quaritch carried on like nothing had happened, like Jake didn’t just straight up lied to his face, and got back to preparing their food. They ate in the same nerve wrecking silence. By the time they we’re supposed to go to sleep, Jake relaxed a bit, thinking that maybe he really got away with it by some unbelievable miracle. That dissipated quickly when he noticed Quaritch weaving the threads of some roots they gathered that morning, into a thick and secure rope. Ignore him. Don’t even look at it. Just go to sleep.

“You have one more chance to tell me how to approach this before I take matters into my own hands.” Fuck your approach! Fuck this! Just fucking hit me!

“I just stopped, ok? Right after my spine accident. I just… I didn’t need it anymore.” Heavy rope coming closer, the sound of it dragged to the floor made his mouth dry.

“Well then, why can’t you do that again?”

“You know fucking well why. Back then it was over stupid shit, alright? I admit it. Yeah, dad never loved us, he hit me, he hit mom, he was a drunkard, they died, fucking boo-hoo. Other people out there had it much worse.” Quaritch kept messing with the rope, pulling at it from different parts, testing it if it would break. “I found a shitty way to deal with it. But the bond being like this… You have no fucking idea what it’s like, to constantly see your past in front of your eyes, to get trapped in there, to feel your brain scattered in pieces.” Quaritch let out a big breath, eyes darted to the end of the rope.

“A slap over your ass is one thing, you looking like the end stick of a boxing match is another.”

“You had no fucking problem with it!” Jake yelled crawling backwards. Quaritch followed him, and so did the rope.

“Yeah, I endorsed it, because I thought you could be rational about it, but you definitely lack discipline, boy.” Quaritch closed the distance, grabbing at Jake’s wrists.

He passed the rope in two loops over the wrists, tying them with a loose knot, and with the rest, he wrapped it under the waist and made the same knot for it. He was practically not even tied up, he could have easily escaped. It was a metaphor, and Quaritch's so-called methods were becoming apparent. It was only about the humiliation of disappointing. But at that moment, weighed down, the disappointment and the need couldn't even be compared.

“Miles, you don’t understand! I need it! I need it like I need air!”

“We’ll get you out of it. Together. You used to keep it in control with just fucking. That I can do. I can fuck you in all the ways you want, whenever you need it, until your dick and cunt fell off if that’s what it takes.”

“But your slaps stay, right?” Jake asked enraged. “Those get a green flag whenever you fill like it, but a proper hit is too much.”

“Princess, now is the time when you turn that pretty ass over on your side, zip it, and stop giving me a headache. You’ll thank me for this one day… the kid will probably do too.” It took Jake a hot minute to put together what Quaritch meant with that and when he did, his blood just boiled more under his skin.

“You fucking dare to say I’ll hit my child?… Miles!”

Quaritch pulled him closer on their makeshift bed, holding Jake tightly in place, throwing one leg over his thigh. Jake couldn’t thank Eywa enough for the inner strength to not break out of that rope and strangle him with it.

“I’m preventing shit from happening. Now shut up and close your eyes!”

“I- I never hit any of my children, you asshole! Never! What if I asked if you ever hit Paz, or even Spider? I can’t even fathom-“ Warm palm over his lips, a warning in the glacial stare.

“Another word and I’ll fuck you to sleep. You didn’t do it. Great! Let’s keep it that way, Jake.” He could actually feel Quaritch’s cock pressed against his skin, closest threat that could actually turn true. He dropped it for good, resting his head on his mate’s chest. A dumb train of thought crossed his mind. He squirmed a tiny bit, pressing his bruised arm into the hardness of the mat, but Quaritch immediately caught onto that. He lifted Jake up like he weighted nothing and turned him on his other side, so his bruises would stay up in the air.

“One more fucking trick and I’ll stuff your lil cunt until you cry! Wanna see how it feels to get fucked all night without coming once?”

There was no need for him to respond to how stiff his body had become. Quaritch would have kept his word. He stayed put. However, sleep refused to come and take him away. Part of the cave entrance remained uncovered that night, and Jake lost himself in the landscape, in the blue tones, in the way nature beckoned on the other side.

The worst part was that he knew Quaritch was right. He had gone too far, from hurting himself once in a while, to wishing night after night that his flesh would turn more and more crimson and purple. Ok, you can take this. It’s just some fucking rope until you heal, until you stopped wishing for more bruises. You’re stronger than a fucking pain addiction. You did it before without thinking twice. You moved on and let everything in the past without it. You got Miles. You’ll still have his little outburst slaps. In the worst case, you’ll cling onto those.

Outside, the wind and eclipse light gave his tired eyes the impression that something was moving among the leaves. A tall shadow loomed from the side, growing in size, approaching the entrance. It had a strange shape, almost resembling a person, and as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared back into the thicket.

https://postimg.cc/bGMCZqmK

Chapter Text

You would've thought that with his age and all his life experience, he would've known better when to admit that he was putting his life in danger for something stupid. When other people's lives were at stake, like Tommy's, Neytiri's, or the children's, he'd be the first to jump into the fire for them, to keep them out of trouble, to keep them safe, and obviously to want and give them all the good in the world by any means. But that was where the line was drawn. He was never part of the opposite side.

He had been accustomed since adolescence to spare the world unnecessary details of his life. He couldn't lie as long as he never had to mention them. They were irrelevant. It was bad enough to know that Tommy was constantly worrying, that he was shouldering too much responsibility for his age. That's why Jak stopped telling him what was on his mind, about regrets and half-memories, about suffocating nightmares that made him want to stay with his head submerged in water, about how much he felt the emptiness left by her absence every day when he opened his eyes, how he sometimes wished he could think of their father with joy like the other children and not feel guilty enough to admit that a small part of his heart missed him too. He never mentioned them out loud. That was his first major life mistake.

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes, that's all he was good at, and with Quaritch the situation was no different. He hated him for trying to steal his last escape from the chaos, cursed him and mentally killed him several times for the humiliation he had to endure. After that fight, Jake's freedom was again restricted. Quaritch wouldn't leave him alone for even a second, and whether he wanted to or not, Jake had to sit near his ass all day long and orient himself to his mate's activities. "Until I trust you again." Those words stung worse than any hit.

Nights immediately became causes of anxiety and anger, for he had to sleep wrapped up in that unbearable rope, but also to be held to the chest like a naughty little child. He barely managed to sleep, as a result, in the mornings he was always moody and grumpy, and by afternoon he already lacked energy.

What's dangerous about addicts is that they'll always find ways to get what they want. On the fourth night Jake snapped. He couldn’t take it anymore. He needed relief. He needed numbness. He needed gaps in his past. He needed to stop relieving before his eyes the same depictions of his inferno. He taught he was smart about it.

Jake remained calm, tried to move as slowly and cautiously as possible. He slipped his legs from under Quaritch's, twisting slightly on his hip. The hard part was freeing himself from the cobra grip around his waist. With all his caution, Quaritch still felt him squirm around and he woke up. Backup plan.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To take a piss. Wanna come and hold my dick too?” Quaritch huffed annoyed, sleepiness made him barely able to hold his eyes open on Jake.

“Two minutes! One, two, three…”

As soon as he was out of his mate's sight, he sprinted a few steps away through the leaves. He looked around frantically. He was alone. Claws sank deeply into flesh, piercing, drawing blood, ecstasy released by waves of pain. He thought about it before, for the best place to hide the new wounds. He figured the tip of his tail was as much as a good place as any, with the advantage that the fur might cover it up. He tried to keep up with Quaritch's count in his mind, but the feeling took control over him. White spots, stiffened wailing, silence in his brain. Two minutes. It was so short lived. It enraged him so much. Jake looked back, but Quaritch was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he fell back asleep. With one hand he clutched at the tail, to prolong the impact of the pain for a few more seconds. The other was being sucked hard for blood, tongue and tip of fangs cleaning the evidence left there. He was hunched over due to the rope, the root digging into the white scars on his wrists. Seconds passed, but all around him was nature and shadows. A primordial instinct tugged at the marrow of his bones to get back inside, to hide. When he returned to the cave, he found Quaritch on his back, snoring softly.

How do you punish a man addicted to pain? You give him the exact opposite, you bury him in pleasure. When Quaritch woke him up in the morning and asked him to do tsaheylu, Jake didn't think he'd rummage around in his mind and see his regression. Just like he didn’t anticipate what torturous punishment his mate would give him. Hands tied nice and tight behind his back, pants thrown somewhere, his little cunt stuffed to the brim, the knot splitting him in half just like he liked it, but the devil knew him way to well to let him get away with just that.

He prepped him well with slick, opened his ass up, finger by finger, until the silencer of the rifle made its way in. It was game on from there. Slow thrusts driving him insane, his clit pinched and rubbed, dick pumped at a steady pace in Quaritch’s fist, thumb smearing precum and toying with his slit. Moans, whimpers and cries reverberated through the cave for what it felt like the entire morning, but he never got to come. Quaritch never let him, edging him until he spilled hot tears onto the cold stone floor, until his body quivered from overstimulation, pleads and apologies ripping out of him like chants. Every time he was close, Quaritch stopped everything for a minute or two. And it went on like that until his mate reached his own limit and came into Jake, hot cum painting his insides.

“Wasn’t that much fun, hm, princess? I warned you about it. At least now you know what to expect in the future… Damn, look at your puffy cunt!” One last finger running through his folds and Jake almost screamed. “I’ll give you five to cool off, and then we’ll talk this over, yeah?” He undid the rope, freeing his hands. Jake didn’t answer him, he kept his eyes on the cave entrance, a few tears still sliding down his cheeks. “Come on, grumpy face, thank me nicely.” Quaritch pressed a kiss on Jake’s swollen lips, but he didn’t kiss back.

“I hate you.”

“I love you too, angel. Do it right and later I might go search for those banana fruits you craved yesterday.” Bribes, that what they were doing now. Jake gave in. After a few deep kisses as a reward, Quaritch left him alone to clean himself up and calm his pounding heart. Jake struggled into his pants, which were getting tighter by the day. It seemed to him that his hips had widened as well.

"Soon I'll be sitting in my bare ass, because you won't let me have a tewng." Quaritch returned with water and a better mood. He grabbed Jake's ass with a firm grip.

"This ass is only mine, princess. We'll find something decent for you to wear… Your belly is growing, your ass is growing and if I get a closer look at you-” Quaritch spun him around, his hands cupping Jake's chest, twisting one of his nipples. "things seem to change here too." Jake smacked his hands away.

“Perv! Say what you wanna say and fuck off!”

“Wow, such a nice way to talk to the man that wants your well being, princess… Sit!”

 Easier said than done with the strange feeling between his legs. He winced when Quaritch brutally dragged him in his lap. He shifted on all sides, trying to find a comfortable position.

“Poor kitten… my cock was too much to handle?” Waves of embarrassment. “Why did we do that?” He knew now that good manners and a good behavior got him small rewards, so he took a deep breath, he dissolved away the shame and just let the words out.

“Because I hurt myself again.”

“You disappointed me.” Knife blades. “I’m trying to make you better, to fix the mistakes I’ve made.”

“I know, it’s just… it's so hard. That urge is stronger than me.” Quaritch hugged him, rubbing his belly.

“I don’t wanna hear that excuse! At your core, you’re still a marine, boy. We’re tough mother fuckers! There’s nothing you can’t do!… But you do realize why we’re doing this, right?”

“I know. For him.” Jake placed his hands over his, pressing in, wishing they would just feel the little one already.

“First for you, kitten. But yes, when you give yourself those nasty bruises, you’re hurting him too and I don’t want-…”

Guilt. So much guilt pouring out from Jake’s soul.

“I don’t want that either, Miles. If something were to happen to him I-…” Tighter hug. A hand on his forehead pulling him back. Check on check. Heaviness in the air.

“That’s why you need to stop. When we have our fun, we have our fun. A tap on the check is harmless, it’s us, but these…” He agreed to him on that in his mind. As weird as it sounded for the outside world, their love meant a bit of physical violence too, slaps, hair pulling, tail tugging. It was their ‘normal’. It felt right.

“Listen! How about this? We get rid of the rope if you let me know when you need that relief. Ok? And we’ll figure something else for you to do. What do you say?”

“Sounds better.”

A sudden wave of gratitude washed over Jake. He really cares. He really tries and does all this for me, for us. And I let myself be led by bad instincts, by those hateful thoughts. He found the golden sea in his eyes, calm waves, a pure light cast in them.

“What did you do with Miles Quaritch?” Jake whispered, a finger tracing the glowing constellation that he learned by heart.

“I’m trying to let him drown at the bottom of that ship.” Worlds pulled apart and brought together. Stardust shuffled by electric waves into new life.

—

Tommy had overcome his fears for the first time and he hit, hard, eyed, calculated, or as well as a ten-year-old could, and Jake had been right there by his side. He couldn't help but be glad when his brother's fist hit David Kaplan, the school's biggest moron, in his jaw. "Get out of the way, the rats are crossing from the channel! The radioactive twins!" "Hey Sully, which one of you got out of each other's shit? Look at them, they look like two beggars.”

They had heard such talk since the first day of school, but on this particular day, Tommy had lashed out and reacted. The victory didn't last long when the other friends, carrying a neuron each, jumped to help their startled moron friend. Then it was Jake's turn to step in. Fists, elbows and legs and the three neurons left with broken lips, bruised eyes and one broken hand to the infirmary. Jake and Tommy, however, had to wait in terror for their parents to be contacted, and at that hour, only one of them was sure to enter those doors.

They didn't hear what their father spoke with the school principal, but they could guess what was waiting for them at home by their father's fiery face.

"Tom, go back to class! Mom is coming to pick you up as usual. You little devil, get in the car before I hit the ground with you!" It wasn't the first time it had happened and he could approximate what the consequences were. He was glad the temperatures had been cold enough that morning to wear a thick jacket. In any case, the walk to the car seemed like walking the plank, always having to face the shark at the end. Doors slamming, keys in the ignition, green eyes melting bone and flesh.

"Pieces of shit, all of them! You know what they do the first time you get to the gate? They ask you what’s your job, boy ! Fucking shits! You have any idea what it's like to go in there and remember not to say sales manager, but car mechanic?… Ha? Do you?" Fists punching the steering wheel. Horns blaring eardrums. Jake was clutching his schoolbag, staring straight ahead, his lungs burning from holding his breath.

"Years of my life lost, money gone, thousands of dollars that I could’ve had were taken from me because of you! You! Jocy couldn't have just one… no, you had to be two, to suck every last bit of my soul-"

Jake had never noticed until then how complicated sneaker laces were. Several braids, one on top of the other, to form the lace itself. Then the shape of the bow. Who would've thought that if you tie them like that you get two loops - burning heat behind the ear, involuntarily watery eyes.

"If I keep talking and you don't look at me, I'll take your eyes out with the key! What did I say about fighting? Wanna throw a punch, make sure no one sees it! Do you like seeing me like this, to embarrass me in front of those people?… Speak!" Jake forced himself with all his might to keep staring in the green abyss through blurry tearful eyes.

"No, dad. I'm sorry!"

"You’re crying? What the fuck are you crying for? Drop this cheap act before I give you a real reason to cry! Why did you two hit that kid?” Hardly held back sobs. Red traffic light. Heavy traffic. "Will you stop already?" A hand lifted from the shifter.

"I hit him! He tackled Tommy. He always calls us poor, dirty, gutter twins.” Small soap bubbles. "They hit Tommy first. I couldn't sit and watch." Sudden braking of the car. Pulled over to the right. The blackness of oil under white pressed nails on the steering wheel. Jake didn't realize what had happened at first until he saw his own blood on the car dashboard, his head throbbing violently.

"If you tell your mom, you sleep in the car tonight. That’s from the fight, you hear? And if you lie to me again, I'll pour diesel down your lying fucking throat! I know you’re the one who starts shit! Your brother, by some miracle, turned out to be smart like me. He knows what he wants, he stays in his place, he's gonna get far. You, on the other hand, are just like her! You're gonna ruin Tom's life just like she ruined mine…” Jake held the wound and looked far away, over the cars and blocks, to the sky. "Tell me the truth, boy." Dirty fingers in his hair turning his head.

"Tommy hit them first." A laugh and a stinking wave of alcohol.

"See? You'll destroy him too... He'll end up like you. Twins… I should’ve given her something to drink, maybe it would’ve rid us of one… or even better….” Keys back in ignition. Foot stepping on the accelerator. Dark thoughts in a young mind, about car pedals, and steering wheels, distractions, car crushes. Possibilities. The drive home had never seemed so long.

“You can imagine what happened afterwards…”

It was raining extremely hard that morning, and Jake had barely slept the night before due to nightmares and his growing belly causing all his organs to stick to his throat, so they decided to stay inside, at least until the storm passed. That day they tried a new method. They wanted to see if Jake was feeling better, keeping his thoughts in check, if he was talking about what he was seeing, if he was accepting that they had happened instead of trying his best to forget them.

But it was proving to be a huge warfare, his mind turning into a battlefield where neither side was winning. The memories made him anxious, which brought the fog back, and the fog held him captive in his subconscious, from where Quaritch had to carefully pull him out. They had been doing that for about two hours now and Jake was already exhausted, all he wanted was a moment of complete silence.

All that emotional baggage had brought back new, inexplicable thoughts. Waves of shocks, that was the only way he could describe them, which they attacked from nowhere and which he fought to keep from letting out. Ever since they had started talking, his eyes had only been furtively searching for the gun next to the assault rifles. He was lucky that Quaritch was too engrossed in his past to pay full attention to everything Jake was doing.

"And you know what the worst part is? That he made me believe him. All my life I blamed myself… even for their deaths.”

"That’s bullshit! Did you force him to drink? Your man made his own decisions.”

"You don't understand... I must've done something to annoy him so much, besides being alive... although I can't remember what. He never hit Tommy. He threatened to beat him too, screamed until the house shook... but he never raised his hand at him. I was glad about it when I got older though, because I would’ve done anything for my brother. I would’ve taken all his punches." Quaritch let out a long sigh. He stopped what he was doing for a second. He was carving a toy for the little one.

"I understand this part because for Helena I'd also be..."

Quaritch continued to speak, but Jake's mind couldn't focus on the words. He had only the gun and the memories in front of his eyes, his brother laughing, enjoying life. The gun and warm hugs on long summer days when everything seemed to be falling apart on them. The gun and his reflection in the mirror telling him that everything is going to be okay and that mom is somewhere among the stars, watching. The gun and the darkest day of his life, when two strangers took him to see his brother for the last time.

“You were right, Miles. Now it doesn't surprise me anymore, but back then I wanted to kill you for what you said... But you were right." He was talking but it was as if he was not there, as if he was floating, somewhere outside the body. He wanted to cry, yet for some reason the tears did not want to show up anymore.

"About what?" Blade embedded in wood. Jake swallowed hard.

“About who I’m not. I’m an impostor.” Acid on the tip of his tongue. Take the gun. "This body isn't mine."

“Jake, you know that’s not-“

“Yes, it is! You spat the truth in my face but I…I wouldn’t have this life if my brother was still alive…I could’ve said ‘no’ to the program, fuck their million dollars experiments with our dna, but…”

“Jake, you didn’t-“

“I took this for granted!” He kept moving his gaze from his hands to the pistol. “I’m ‘parading and defiling’ his body, just like you said.” Jake continued while waving his four fingered hand. “Look what I did to him. I took lives, I got blood on these hands, I-…My children, they- they’re not mine. This baby inside me is not mine either.” And that realization hurt him the most. Neytiri and Tommy's children... Miles and Tommy's kid. Quaritch sprang from where he was sitting, the knife and piece of wood dropped between them. Scent of honey.

“Hey, now, calm down! That’s not true. Identical twins, that’s what you told me.”

“But we weren’t! He had this mole under his lip, and- and a patch of lighter hair on the back of his head and-“ Quaritch silenced him with a kiss.

“I don’t see those, princess. I know you’re body like the back of my hand and you don’t have those things. This is just a shell anyway.” Jake’s eyes fell on the knife, on the sharp blade and pointy tip. It attracted him like a magnet. Power imbalance. Take the knife and shove it down his throat. Quaritch saw him, and he pushed it further away so Jake won’t reach it. “Your boy, Lo’ak, that kid acts, talks and looks just like you. Like you.” Images with Lo’ak tied up by the rail of the ship, gun pointed at his head. Take the knife and shove it-

Jake stood up abruptly, pushed Quaritch off, and headed for the cave entrance. He had done it again, had those bad thoughts, morbid shocks welling up against his will. Balloons filled with water instead of lungs. Boulders instead of legs. Cold shivers as Quaritch's skin made contact with his.

"It doesn’t work, Miles! Speaking doesn't help me at all! It's worse!"

"We'll try something else. Don’t panic." Movie frames before his eyes. Tommy dead in a box. His father in a coffin. They didn't show us mom.

"Nothing else works!” Rain drops crashing down. He stepped into the rain so that maybe the water will wash him away like a grain of sand. “I wish you would just erase them all from my head, for good.”

“You know very well that I won’t do anything close to that again… ever.”

"It's not fucking fair! You can end all this, but you let me suffer... A few hours and we can fix all the bad shit."

"It's not gonna happen, princess."

"And you say you love me..."

"I do. That's why the answer will always be the same."

Desperate moments. Moments when the light at the end of the tunnel was no longer visible. He knelt and dragged Quaritch after him, into the mud, into the dirt from which they would return to Eywa's heart. The rain washes away sins. And they were two sinners blinded by the atrocities they had committed. He bowed his head and joined their kurus.

"Pray with me! Pray that we may receive a sign, that we may know what we have to do. I don't know what else to do... Please…"

Hands clasped in desolation, murmuring in two languages, raindrops running down their foreheads like wax, a cry to a mother. One prayed to Eywa and the other to Mary.

—

Sweet juice was running down his chin, down his neck, leaving him sticky. Quaritch had flown far and wide to find the fruit he wanted as a reward that his arm was finally fully healed. Clean blue skin after so much time. Stormy and horrible days through which they passed with much torment, headaches, anger, were finally seeing some positive results, even though Jake still struggled with himself at times. Some days talking worked, other days fucking numbed his mind enough to stop wishing for anything else and lately, bonding fed his brain to the point where he kept the fog at bay longer than ever.

"Have I already said 'thank you' for them?"

"Twice already, my lil love. I'm glad you like them."

He had convinced Quaritch to braid his hair. He didn't want to cut it anymore, but it had grown too much, annoying him all day. The ex-colonel wasn’t afraid of absolutely anything, except to sit still for so many hours to braid his mate’s luscious hair. He complained after each one he finished, shaking his wrists exaggeratedly, stretching his arms and back.

"It's gonna take forever."

"If you'd complain less and move faster, it would be done by now, grandpa." Jerked strand. A small moan slipped out.

"Eat the fruit and shut up, princess. Didn't anyone teach you that it's not polite to talk with your mouth full?"

Quaritch leaned over him and licked the sweet pink mark on his neck.

"Mhm, except when it’s filled with something else…” Jake mumbled under his breath.

“I heard that!” Colorful laughter and rolled eyes.

“Mm, since we're doing nothing, how about we decide on a name? Have you thought of any yet?”

"I did, but I already know you won't like them. They won’t be Na’vi enough."

The fruits were disappearing from the leaf one by one. His scalp ached a little from how hard Quaritch sometimes pulled the strands.

"If you say something like ‘Miles the third’, I'll take my backpack and go to the other end of the planet." Before he could put the fruit to his lips, his head was thrown back, a prying mouth stealing his delicacy.

"First of all, ouch, second of all, I had no say on Spider's name, so don't blame me."

"Well then, amaze me!"

"I have two options. I thought of 'Pax', it means 'peace' in Latin. It seems appropriate to the context. And the second, 'Elyn', but pronounced flat. I think you can guess who inspired it." Jake was stunned. The fruits were forgotten. Constellations finding constellations. A sea of comets.

"Are you serious? Elyn…f- from Jocelyn?”

"Mhm, I thought it'd be a nice homage, something to always remember her by.” To say that he was moved would’ve been an understatement.

“That’s-…I’ll think about them. I like both... I like them a lot! Pax…Elyn…” Hold on his swollen belly, lifted up to ease the pressure for a moment.

”I can’t believe you’re five months and a half already.”

“Me neither… it goes by too fast. It also means it’s been six months since you-…since we-…became inseparable from one another.” It was a nice way to put it, good enough for the story they kept crafting and adjusting so both their timelines matched with a toned down version of their truth. Half a year spent together. Half a year since the day he got separated from his family.

Out of nowhere, an internal commotion startled Jake. A flutter touched him inside, near his bellybutton, followed by another small pulse.

“Was that- was that him?” Quaritch’s voice trembled.

“Yes! It was him. Oh, Eywa! Hey there, little one!” He couldn’t contain his happiness, smiling dumbly at Quaritch’s hands pressed upon his skin, and they felt it again. “You got excited for the names, ha, buddy?” They waited for several minutes for another one, but their bundle of joy stopped moving. For the rest of the day, all they did was wait for another sign from their son.

—

He loved Miles. Maybe not as much as he loved Tommy or his mother, definitely not in the same way he loved Neytiri. There was another layer to it, hard to describe, of this new way of having such profound feelings for a person. But there was no doubt about what it was. He knew he loved him from the way he felt scared every time Miles left to go hunt, from the way his heart skipped a beat every time he showed Jake a new stunt high up in the air.

He loved him when Miles asked for help with coming up with a melody and rhymes for his songcord, or when he would spend his morning talking with their son, waiting patiently to feel a kick on Jake’s belly. He loved him for the moments when he let Jake act dumb, foolish, a teenager in an adult body, messing around like the world was in the palm of their hands. He loved Miles when he acted harsh, when he kept his mind on a steady line, when he cast away monstrous nightmares, when he eased off his memories of the past.

He loved him for the tiny things, for how the corner of his mouth rise up a bit every time he spoke about something exciting, for how he was still afraid sometimes of stepping onto his own tail, for how his eyes glimmered when he recited Jake fragments from old novels that he liked, for how at night he would search in his sleepiness with his palm for Jake’s heart.

He loved him for how sharp his mind was, coming up with military strategies, debating them with Jake, competing against each other, learning from one another, improving what the other lacked. He knew so much of the world they left behind, of its history and mysteries.

Miles would tell him stories, good memories, about the man he was before.

He would tell of a kid in rain boots and overalls, on one of the last animal farms approved to run in his state, drove by ambition to get further and further into life, to push his own limits and make a better life for himself. He said goodbye to his parents and his sister when he was seventeen to enlist in the Marine Corps, to help his family with money after the last cattle were slaughtered by a government order to close all farms. He helped his sister buy her own place to further pursue her interests and dreams in becoming a lawyer. He was the pillar of his family for many years, the glue that kept them all together. But circumstances and the roughness of life turned him into what he became by the end, a ruthless, cold-hearted man.

Yet having all these reasons and more, all these factors laid out for why his feelings for Miles were real, Jake still couldn’t explain to himself why his brain decided to sabotage that happiness and affection. Cracks in their small paradise by thoughts like the ones he used to have in the first weeks. Moments out of the blue where his mind threw at him pure venom. He almost got scared of himself, but he was even more afraid of telling Miles about them. How do you confess something like that after everything you swore to be true?

So when he got up one night, after being woken by Miles’ nightmares, he decided to step back again, to just watch from a distance and see where his mind took him. He sat furthest away from him, in the opposite direction of the cave, near where the guns were hidden under leaves.

He threw his head back, pressing his braids into the hardness of the wet stone until he felt the pressure in his skull. A little pain. Just a touch. He closed his eyes and let his hand slide to the gun. The Zarkov pressed the palm of his hand hard. Pure power pulsing through bone and sinew. They had never used it since Jake had taken it from Hell's Gate. It was intact, sixteen bullets in the mag, sixteen opportunities to burst and disfigure flesh, to get justice. He played with the safety, closing and opening it countless times. It was hard to hold and aim without a finger.

The bluish light from outside made their temporary home look like the bottom of the ocean. A boundless abyss full of unknowns, monsters hidden in the shadows and demons, like the one in front of him. Demon. It had been a long time since he had referred to Miles as a demon, the creature that had come to haunt and kill them all for the so-called sins of the past. Battlefield, mines and guns firing ideas, tanks crushing his reason. He is the father of your child, of the wonder growing in your womb. Eywa entrusted both of them to you, your gifts. How could she give you a demon after all the kindness she showed you? Miles loves you. He loved you from the beginning. Which beginning was that, it doesn't even matter anymore. He- He-

His finger on the trigger. He had forgotten what position the safety was in and it was too dark to tell. He raised the gun and aimed blindly. Imbalance of power. He let his mind wander and he saw a burning ship, a rock with a soulless body, he saw himself with a grenade in his hand and his last hope for a plan on a sinking ship, his daughter in the demon’s hands with a knife against her throat. Shoot and blow his brains out! Pull the trigger! The fear. The fear. The fear. A small kick in his ribs. Wake up and punch me! Put me down and beat me until I forget who I am!

He removed the mag and let the bullets fall into his lap, only one remaining heavy in its place. He reloaded the gun and reached his arm forward. Miles squirmed, the nightmare making him whisper nonsense. Those sounds were like prayers to Jake's ears.

He saw ikran wings, bloody sand, his own hands cutting away his identity, his legs moving on their own towards his doom. His hand was shaking, his arm started to hurt. He saw a mattress, shackles, plastic cups, metal chairs, sickness, a cut throat with a razor blade, a broken mirror, flashes from a tablet, a body on top of his, a broken man. What if I did all those things to you, you fucker? Maybe I should. See how you would like the tables turned. Heavy breathing. Buzz in his ears. Another kick in his navel. Miles turned on his side. You’re fucking sick! That’s your mate! He saved you, he killed for you!

He got up, gun pointed straight, getting closer to the cause of all evil. You liked him! You liked what he did to you! It wasn’t for the kids or for her, it was for your sick fucked up brain, because you wanted him too! You liked him even before all this, when you wished for him to notice you, to follow you back from briefings, to call you in his office, to tell you what a good dog you’ve been and you would’ve spread your useless legs for da-

He was shaking from head to toes. Tears were running down his face, clogging his nostrils. Little feet were frantically kicking his insides, making him want to throw up. Safety pulled back. Finger on the trigger. Something moved outside, a shadow passed the entrance from the cave. Shivers, barely contained sobs, small continuous kicks, the weight of the pistol.

“Miles.” His voice broke. “Miles, w- wake up…p- please.” He couldn’t put his hand down, or pull away his finger from the trigger. “Miles… wake up…” A hard painful kick in his bladder. “Miles, wake up!”

Golden eyes wide open. Scared. Miles froze, his mouth hanging open, slowly raising his hands to Jake.

"Put it down." “Put my bottle dawn, you little shit!” Blows and kicks in the liver, in the spleen. Nausea. His head was throbbing with pain. "Love, put it down slowly… Jake, drop it!" He unclasped his fingers, the gun falling to the ground, the sound of the impact reverberating throughout the cave like thunder. Miles quickly kicked it. Metal dragged across the stone floor. "Come here! Come to me!" “Come here, boy!” Jake backed away, shaking his head in all directions.

"I don't deserve you. I don't deserve this life with you.” He swallowed back the wave that was rising up his esophagus. He could barely speak, snot ran down his throat. The kicks had not stopped. "You have to do something. I-” Miles was at his side in a second, wrapping his arms around him, holding him tight, but Jake struggled in his grip. With difficulty he set him down on the mat, holding his wrists in his hand, wiping away his tears with the other. The outline of a small leg could still be seen protruding his skin from time to time.

"Enough, little soul. Stop crying.” "Do you want me to give you reasons to cry, boy?"

"Why aren't you angry? Why don't you do something?” He couldn't calm down. His heart pounded in his chest. His brain was searching for something, searching for repercussions. He couldn't breathe, his hands were numb. "I wanted to kill you and you ain’t doing anything to me?!"

Miles looked at him with sadness, his ears laid back, his lips in a thin line, eyes glassy.

"Stop it! You’re hurting yourself. You’re hurting the child.” But Jake just couldn’t. Until he felt waves of coldness through his muscles, an electric wave, two minds as one, strings ready to latch onto his nervous system. “Calm down.” Calm down. Calm down. He went limp, relaxing under the touches on his skin, taking a big breath. The severity of the situation kept his mind buzzing, unable to understand Miles’ reaction. Soft touches on his belly, reassurance through the bond, and the little feet finally stopped kicking.

“Miles, why?”

Miles wiped sweat from his forehead. He leaned to the side next to Jake, lost in thought, staring blankly. Barrier upon barrier stood between their consciousnesses, Miles doing his best not to let Jake jump over them.

"I'm not mad because… I'm not as sinless as I've made it seem these past few weeks either." Miles wasn't looking at him, the comets were fixed on the darkness of the cave. "How can I judge you when I'm dreaming of..." A crack in the barrier, a fragment of an image, blood, fire and guts. "I sometimes dream we're still on the ship and I'm the one winning."

“But- but yours are dreams. I’m… I’m having these thoughts for a while and I don’t know why.” Miles shifted, more cracks forming in the barriers and his mate shivered slightly. “I don’t want to have them. Please, believe me! I- I care about you so much!” Jake ran his fingers through the curls resting on Miles’ forehead, as his mate kept staring into nothing. “I do! I love you!” Golden irises meeting his. So much sorrow inside fading stars.

“I love you too!… What the fuck is still wrong with us?”

Barriers crumbling to the ground, strings gone and Jake could roam freely around fragments of memories and feelings. He saw himself crushed under waves, under AMPs, gutted, torn to pieces by blue and pink hands. It wasn’t that different from assault rifles, pistols and knives. Wheel spinning inside Jake’s head, trying to put together the signs, the clear evidence, to see the link between their misery.

“Miles, do you still hold grudges for your death… or for my betrayal?” Deafening silence. A tiny kick inside his womb. “Be honest. It- it won’t change my feelings for you.”

“Sometimes.” Sometimes. Crumble of truth. Pieces put together, honeycomb frames filled with the past. Jake took his hand, intertwining their fingers.

“What if…” Blazing thoughts and theories. “What if the bond doesn’t get completed because we haven’t forgiven each other?” Drums and violins. Earthquakes. Realizations.

“It’s- it would be so…”

“I mean, if you really think about it, tsaheylu is made with an open heart, out of pure feelings for the other person and we… didn’t really tick those boxes, did we?” He laughed bitterly.

“If that’s true then why don’t you never get lost in memories with us or something?”

Memories, all of them from another life, from a different place, with the people surrounding him, with a lost boy in a way too much bigger universe.

“I think because I haven’t forgiven myself.” Mountains lifted from his chest. “And along side that, I still have to learn to forgive you… and you me.”

“Isn’t love forgiveness?” Whispered Miles, squeezing Jake’s hand harder.

“When it comes to us… no, I don’t think so.” They pressed their faces together. Jake sucked in a breath, holding onto the mind-numbing feeling of closeness. “We have two more weeks in this place.” Jake felt his side of his face getting wet. He felt hearts hammering, big and small.

“We’ll get through this! I won’t lose you… I can’t lose you, no matter what.”

Three souls coming together, one to tag along, two with a new goal in mind, determined to see the light of day after all that bleakness and darkness.

Cotton-wool clouds and mist over a boundless ocean over which he walked. Only the waves and the horizon could be seen. There was no escape ahead. A mist, a shadow without beginning and end was constantly approaching him. He dived into the fiery ocean, fleeing the living flames. The water slowly evaporated, and he stood before a wall of ice as boundless as the ocean. On the other side he saw a woman's figure and backed away, but when he heard her voice, his legs flew towards her, claws digging into the ice to reach her, to touch her. “ Neytiri! Baby, I’m coming! “ “ MaJake!” She screamed for him. He could see her mouth moving, but besides his name, he couldn’t hear anything else. She kept banging on the ice, while he tried his best to dig faster, to punch and kick and break the layers of thick ice. She was right there, yet worlds apart. Shivers down his spine and Neytiri stopped moving in fright. She bit her fingers, fangs breaking skin to the bones and she wrote on the walls in crimson shades. ‘There’s a she-wolf in the darkness, scorching forests to the ground.’  He walked near her, following her writing with his finger, repeating in his mind every word. ‘If she sets foot in your home, she’ll eat your first born child.’ One more look between them, the words clinking in his ears and Neytiri was gone. Before the darkness could reach him, Miles pushed him to the side, switching places, disappearing under black smoke.

The last flickers of blue light, the cool morning air, the sound of nature brought back to life outside. Jake struggled to open his eyes, puffy from tears and fatigue. His belly hung heavy, the baby showing signs that he was lively and ready to start a new day. The gun was lying in the same place it had been since Miles' kicked it, a morbid detail of the fact that the previous night had been real. Miles quickly came to him when he saw Jake stand up, with a bottle of cold water, showering kisses on his hair and forehead.

"Get more sleep, princess. It's still early." The first rays of light emerged timidly from among the leaves, reflected in dewdrops.

"I don't think I can anymore. I had such a vivid and strange dream… Miles, have you ever felt, since we've been here, that something is following us… or someone?”

“Following? No. Why? You saw anything?” Cold liquid down his throat, too cold. He shivered. “It’s a bit chilly. I’ll bring your jacket.”

“I- I haven’t seen anyone but there’s these shadows that keep catching my eye... I- I don't know. Maybe I'm just imagining shit...” Jacket over his shoulders. Honey scent. Details he had missed due to sleepiness were right there in front of him. Miles was dressed, the ionar fixed on his face, his bow and arrows ready at the entrance of the cave. “You’re leaving?” Miles helped him put the jacket on and planted another small kiss on his lips.

“You haven't eaten meat in a few days and this little one needs to get strong.”

Illusions and soap bubbles, vivid dreams, threads of memories, a knot in his stomach, a feeble kick in his belly, all jumbled together, all overlapping each other. For a split second, the scar left by Lo'ak's knife on Miles' arm bled onto a kitchen floor, the morning rays were nothing more but yellow headlights of a car, the entrance of the cave morphed into a door which led to impactful crashes.

“Don’t go!” Jake begged, breath hived. “Not today. Don’t leave me today.”

Souls understanding each other through golden irises and stardust. Miles took a quick concerned glance over his shoulder.

“Alright, I’m not going anywhere.”

Three hearts beating in unison, scars kissed for redemption, hope for irrevocable and lasting forgiveness.

Chapter Text

Jake had never excelled at being patient. He was always in a hurry, always wanting to get things done as quickly as possible, to be constantly busy, to keep his mind occupied. With Miles taking on so many tasks, he was left with too little to do, and it was times like these that his childish side came out.

He had discovered a crack in the side of the cave, a sign that the hollow in the rock was continuing its course. Miles was busy preparing their meal, roasting fresh meat and mushrooms. Jake had taught him what natural spices he could add to make food taste better, and what sweet fruit paste went best with it, so he could buy himself a few more minutes alone.

That gave Jake time to explore the newfound place. It had proved to be difficult to access given his new body dimensions though. He nearly got stuck in the crevice, crawling to his side, his hips clinging to the hard stone edges. On the other side, the discovery was disappointing. The walls dipped suddenly, creating an extremely narrow tunnel.

"Get out of there, princess! The food is getting cold!”

Cautious steps. He backed away, trying to get out of there the same way he had entered. The blood stopped in his veins as he realized he was stuck, his hips stiffening. He pushed harder with his palms, but to no avail. Miles appeared in front of him, his arms crossed, amused by the sight before him. Jake didn't expect to feel the sole of Miles' foot on his cunt, rubbing it lightly.

"Finders, keepers! Damn, the things I could do to you trapped like this, kitten…” Jake bit his lip to keep from moaning, hissing through his teeth.

"Get me out of here, you nymphomaniac!" Miles grabbed his legs, pulling him gently, his fingers loosening the rock-caught material of his pants. A dirty look, a chuckle, a slap on the back of Miles's neck and one on Jake's bottom.

"It's only your fault! If you had let me wear a loincloth, nothing would’ve happened.” Miles pulled him by the hand with little effort on Jake's part towards where they used to eat.

"I'm telling you for the last time, I won't let you wear that thread in your ass! You all look like-… like you're wearing thongs! It's enough that so much of Pandora has seen your bare ass. It won’t happen again on my watch!" Jake wanted to tear his hair out at how stubborn Miles was on the subject. He just rolled his eyes dramatically though and tugged hard at his mate’s tail. He received an immediate smack on his hip.

"I didn't know I lived with such a prude..." Miles placed food on a leaf, but didn't prepare one for Jake. It was going to be one of those days. He waited patiently, lips slightly parted, for his mate to feed him. The gesture itself tickled Miles' ego enormously, and if he resisted, Jake knew that a spanking was bound to follow. "What are you going to do when I really won’t be able to fit into these pants anymore?" Flavorful morsel of meat over his lips, the salty juice of it sucked by him from Miles' fingers.

"Worst case scenario, if this happens before we get out of here, I'm gonna take that spare shirt, cut it up, and make you a skirt." Shared food. Perverted images shared in their still aroused brains.

"You won't see me in something like that. Take your mind off it!” Jake answered with his mouth full.

"Chew your food and shut up before I change your outfit right now!"

They continued to eat in silence, but silence wasn't good for Jake, it made him think too much. He thought how beautiful it would have been to see the two of them, Neytiri, the children and the baby, around the fire, talking, laughing, enjoying life. Then he thought about how unreal that thought could be. Fear gripped the corners of his mind. He had begun to share some of Miles' fears.

"I know that look. What are you thinking about?" Jake put his hand on his belly, trying to evaporate that feeling from his soul.

"Nothing. It's just-… I'm afraid they might not accept Elyn.” The fear. The fear. The fear. Jake shifted his gaze outside to the frozen nature beyond the cave. A thought flashed through his mind. Maybe it would be better that we stay here. From the thicket, a shadow passed over the bushes. Miles cupped his chin between his fingers, making him look into his eyes.

"Hey! They have no reason not to accept him, he’s Toruk Makto's child… I see that my name has stuck with you. At least we got that decided.” Thoughts. Fears. Scenarios. Attention withdrawn. Aromatic flavors on his taste buds. Miles continued to feed him, the pieces disappearing one by one.

"I can’t anymore. I'm full!"

"Just a little more, princess. Come on, one more mouthful, for me!” Lips parted. Miles' intense gaze on his mouth, on his throat as he swallowed. One more piece. The juice from the meat ran down the corner of his mouth, Miles wiped it away with his palm and Jake licked it clean. Fear melted away by desire.

"If you don't stop, I won't have any room left for dessert." Fiery comets. Jake's mischievous gaze. He was sure that if Miles could, he would have eaten him alive just by looking at him.

"How can I refuse my sweet princess?" Muscular hands on the belt. Veins straining while pulling down the zipper. "Open up that naughty little mouth, kitten!"

—

“How’s your head? I haven’t seen you going away in a while.”

“It’s getting better every day.” I’m not trapped in them anymore, but now I can’t escape my own fucking thoughts filled with ‘what if’s… I don’t want to leave this place... I don’t feel like I can face them. “I’m better.”

—

Maybe if I hadn't hesitated then, if I'd climbed aboard their damned ship and surrendered, then Neteyam would be alive. I had to keep an eye on them. I should have been more careful. I dragged them all after me. Maybe it would’ve been better not to leave the forest...

Miles was off to fly, to let his ikran spread its wings, and Jake was alone.

I did the same with Tommy, I dragged him into my misery. Maybe if I didn't push him away from me, we wouldn't have that fight. Maybe he would’ve taken me with him that night and I could’ve done something to defend him, to strike for him…maybe they would’ve stabbed me, not him. Why him? Nobody was like my brother…Why did he have to die?

Jake was crouched on the mat, rocking back and forth, knees up as far as his stomach would allow, head buried in his arms and in the fog that was dissolving his reason.

She died because of me. He always told me, 'Don't show your mother! Don't tell her what I told you!', but I never listened to him. Maybe if she hadn't seen the bruises that day, they wouldn't have left home, they wouldn't have crashed into the bridge. They would have been alive and we would have learned to live with each other in peace.

Something was out there watching him. He was sure of it. It was so obvious.

Show yourself! Attack me now while I’m without him, while I have no weapon in my hand. Come and fight me and maybe I'll let you win.

The shadow of a being rose on the ground in front of the cave, growing larger and larger as it approached. A familiar outline, a clear form of a Na'vi. Footsteps approaching hurriedly. The air current brought with it a smell. Honey. Miles was already back.

There is so little time left in our paradise, and when it is over, he will drag me before them, and they will see me like this, and hear me, and judge me. They will banish us. They're all going to hate us, they're going to hate our baby. I can’t go back. I’ll ruin even more lives.

"I've been gone so long and you're still lying down there?" Miles' skin was cold from the flight, his touch felt like ice. He thought Miles was going to hug him, but his mate struggled to pull his fingers away from the healed flesh of his arms. Claws pierced the blue skin, threads of blood running down to the elbows “Stop! Why are you doing this? What did we agree on, Jake?

"Make me forget, Miles!"

Two kurus in Jake's hands. Connected consciousnesses and the flood of emotions and fear fluctuating between their brains. Miles struggled to keep them away from him, raising shields, preparing invisible strings.

"Take them all... or at least one. I beg you! Take something from there! Erase them! I'll give you anything you want!" A pain was writhing inside him, the baby was kicking every now and then, and Miles was aware of them too. "You can leave, you can return to the humans if that's what you want. I'll tell you everything, I'll tell you where I hid the weapons, supplies, where the places of refuge are- I... please!"

"That's enough! Calm down!” The ropes of the puppeteer coiled tightly around his will, but fear and need were stronger, sharp as two blades. Jake struggled physically and mentally with Miles' orders and restraint. The pain was growing inside him, knife blades in his belly. Copper between his fingers, copper in his mouth. He had bitten his hand, fangs tearing the skin between his thumb and index finger. Miles had to tag hard at his kuru for him to let go.

“I’ll pluck your teeth out, boy! Fucking shit… do that one more time and I'll find a way to muzzle you!”

"I'm begging you, don't leave me like this!" More struggles, more invisible strings that were cut and dissolved by the pure fear inside him.

“I’ll do whatever you want! I’ll stay here! Don’t take me back home! We’ll stay here no matter what and if I fail and something happens with the baby, we- I’ll just give you another-“

Everything suddenly went black. Then, one after another, frames of that morning appeared on his retina, with him flying on Miles' ikran, happy, laughing. They flew all morning, passed through the cold spray of a waterfall, competed with other birds of the sky, played their invented game, and Jake was convinced that he held the reins of the ikran.

He saw it over and over until there was no doubt that it had happened that morning. Iron was dripping from his nose but he couldn't care less. You have to give something of yourself to get what you want, and that seemed to him to be the lowest price. He would have given all his blood for moments like those, for Miles to change something in the memory of his life. He rested his head on Miles' shoulder, cross-eyed, a faint smile on his face, and stayed put until he recovered, while Miles cut off his sharp nails with the blade of his knife and filed them against the porous rocks of the floor.

Afterwards, they continued their day as if nothing bad had happened.

—

The riverside gradually became a good place for them to spend their slow afternoons. It was a respite for them to take a step back, take a deep breath, and connect with the nature around them. It was also the perfect place to put their ideas and stories in order, their narrative thread unraveling with each passing day.

That day, the sun broke through the clouds after too much rain, and they took advantage of the warmth to wash their hair. Jake convinced Miles to let his hair grow out, with the trade-off that he would still shave his sides. Jake was pleasantly surprised to learn that Miles' hair was curly, often finding himself happily running his fingers through it. He hoped the little one would be like his father in that regard. Jake handled the knife carefully, shaving away the small unwanted hairs.

"Where were we? Um, what do we do with Wainfleet?”

"I don't think we can avoid it, princess. We have to give them a plausible reason for his death. If only the boys didn't see him…” Jake growled.

"I can't go home, look them in the eye and admit that-... that he-..."A tremble of the knife. Jake closed his eyes for a second, calming his heartbeat. He didn't want to accidentally cut Miles.

"You can spare them the details, be succinct. We have to link the events somehow."

"It's easy for you to say! You weren't the one who went through this!” He felt Miles' hand on his knee, massaging his skin gently, his head bowed solemnly to Jake.

"If you want, I'll tell them about Lyle. You won't have to say a word." Thoughts and memories. The fog. Fear. His hand shook again.

"Ok, fine! Let's change the subject! What else?" The river flowed turbulently. Jake washed the blade and resumed his position.

"The child, the pregnancy… If we say it happened after the Tree of Souls, they'll know we're lying."

"Do you realize how it's gonna sound that we fucked each other after only two weeks?… The way they’ll look at me…" Anger was growing in him.

"Look, a man under torture succumbs in about three, four days. If we admit that-"

"No! If we lie that you tortured me in the beginning, then we can shit on the fact that you knew what the atokirina meant... Fucking-… God, I hate this! My head hurts…" The knife fell in the grass. A small sob, tears in the corner of his eyes. He dropped to his knees and washed his face with the crystal cold water. Needles stung his hands, his heart trembled in his throat, nausea overcame him. He looked up. On the opposite side of the lake, he spotted a shadowy figure behind a tree trunk.

"Miles, look!" In an instant, the shadow was gone.

"What?… I don’t see anything." The knife was placed back between his fingers, a short kiss on the forehead calmed his agitated body. "Let's finish here and go rest, little soul! We’ll figure out what to say eventually."

—

“You’re staring again.”

“I have to make sure you’re real, princess.”

Tips of fingers caressing constellations.

“It fucks with my mind sometimes that you’re older than me, yet you’re the one with the younger body now…”

“I could care less what we look like. I adore what’s in here.”

Palm resting over Jake’s heart, soft lips kissing his forehead.

—

He looked for stones at the river one evening, returning with his arms full of them, of various shapes and sizes. They would be the bricks of his tribute. They were placed one by one in the shape of a dome. He laid a stone for the lost people in their lives. He placed one for Neteyam, one for Neytiri's family, one for Grace and all their friends, one for all the Na'vi who had lost their battle with humanity. He placed one stone for the humans, one for Paz Socorro, one for the recoms, and one more for the human version of his mate. At the top, he placed stones for Tommy and their parents.

He left flowers around the dome, tucking a few into the spaces between the rocks. A small lock of his hair was cut and allowed to fall inside.

He lay there, eyes and mind on them, until Miles found him, picked him up and carried him back home.

—

Oh, thank you for the new life

Oh, thank you for a new son

There is great joy in my heart

The rays of a star appeared in my life

The star that will be a great warrior

Oh, thank you for the new life

Great Mother you have opened the way

Thank you for the strength

For days and nights with him

For him and his heart in my life

"… Jake, can you sing it one more time?"

—

They ran blindly through Pandora's thickets, through the ever-changing terrain, wary, guns drawn, eyes keen to catch that something behind the shadows that haunted Jake, but Miles' patience was hanging by a thread. They seemed to be going around in circles, to no avail, without seeing even a trace of an extra footprint. Miles followed him like his own shadow, breathing down the back of his neck, his body tensing every time Jake changed direction, the scent of fear hanging in the air like a cloying perfume. That was until Miles stopped Jake, tired and annoyed. A quick glance at his watch.

"We've been doing this for two hours. There's nobody and nothing there, no Na'vi, no animals, no people."

"Yes, there is! Ever since we set foot here, something has been hiding from us."

Miles lowered his weapon, taking one last lap of the perimeter. He raised his hands in the air, standing perfectly still. Waiting, waiting…and nothing.

"Then why don't they attack us, why don't they show themselves? We’ve been here for almost three months. Are they looking at us for what? To see how we fuck?" Jake jabbed him with the tip of the rifle, walking past him nervously.

"You never take anything seriously!"

"Do you forget that we both made sure, on the first day, that there was no one in the area? There’s nobody out there, Jake!”

A shadow in the distance. Silhouette of a woman behind a tree trunk. The sound of bones hitting each other.

"Give me your kuru right now!" Jake connected them, their minds becoming one. They could see, hear and feel what the other did. Jake looked for her again, his eyes traveling the thicket in a constant zigzag. The rattle was heard. He caught sight of her, hidden behind the bushes.

"There she is! Right there! She’s right there!”

“Jake…”

"There's no way you can't see her now, it's so clear-" A bullet whizzed past his ear, towards the spot, but no one shouted, no wail was heard, and the shadow disappeared.

"You fired because you saw her too, didn't you?" Miles turned to face him, creases and bitter eyes shadowing his face. He was staring at Jake like he was looking at a madman.

"I shot to prove to you that there was nothing between the leaves. I didn't see anything!… You're just tired-”

His palm pressed perfectly against Miles' cheek, the force of the slap causing Miles to drop the gun from his hand. Jake felt the sting too. Fury in golden eyes. Jake backed away until he hit a tree trunk. Miles ripped the rifle from his hands and threw it to the ground. Hands caught in the vise of a bigger and stronger one, around his neck the tight collar of five fingers.

"There was nothing there!” Deafening scream, like one from many years ago, strong enough to shake a house. “Stop living inside that fucking head of yours every damn second!" He put pressure, more, more, and then he let go.

“Do you think I want to be like this?” Jake eventually screamed back. “I want to wake up and be happy, and move on from this entire shit, but I can’t!”

“I did!” Palm hitting the bark of the tree. “Do you ever think about me? I lost everything in my life! Everything! I'm a fucking body created in a test tube, no family, no one to give a shit about me, with my mind filled with memories of a dead man! I had to come to terms with all of it and it was pure hell, but I fucking did it!”

“It’s not the same thing, Miles… You can’t compare us, it’s-…”

Jake curled into himself, tail curled against his body, staring at the ground. He didn't want any more fighting, screaming. It was all too familiar. He never wanted to hear that sour tone from Miles' mouth again. Their minds juggled all their feelings from one to the other, guilt passing over like a ball on a tennis court. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have yelled… I’m sorry, Jake!”

“I shouldn’t have slapped you… I’m sorry, too!”

“Can you forgive me?” They both asked at the same time. The answer was shown to them by the way they both leapt into each other's arms as if burned by the ground. Scent on scent. Tails coiled together. Waves of regret coursing through the electricity seeping into their nervous system.

“Did you really saw something?”

“I did… I swear.” He felt his mate rummaging through his mind, looking for those specific images.

“It’s alright… A few more days and we’ll get you back to your friends. They’ll figure what’s wrong with you, love.” Jake pulled their kurus apart, taking back some privacy. They picked up the guns and began to walk slowly back home.

I’m not losing my mind. It’s not my imagination. I saw her, right there.

—

There were times, more and more often, when Miles gave in, when such a vulnerable side of him came out from behind thick steel walls. He was crying silently, kissing Jake's every single scar. He kissed the ones left by his fangs on Jake’s frail neck, all the white lines of varying sizes that furrowed Jake's wrists and ankles, the two large scars on his shoulder blades, and finally the little mound of flesh where his finger had once been.

And Jake daydreamed in those moments that that side of Miles was part of who he had once been, before Pandora, before the wars, before the army. Afterwards, he thought about what life would’ve been like if he had perhaps met Miles when they were still human, back on Earth, when they were younger.

—

“Alright, how about a good memory of you and your brother?” Jake played with the hem of the t-shirt that was turned into a skirt after a whole afternoon of bickering about his veins being to squeezed in his pants to pump blood properly. Miles won, but just for that night. It was back to tight ass pants in the morning.

“Mm, the day Tommy first made money. We decided to save up money to rent a place of our own for when we were about to turn seventeen. We were lucky that mom's friend was able to adopt us, but the woman was never home, she was always away on business trips. We raised each other, or rather, he raised me… But she was nice, she made sure we had everything we needed. However, we thought we’d do her a favor and get us out of her hair as quickly as possible. Tommy got a job first and when we saw ourselves with all that money in our hands, we said ‘fuck it, today we're having fun like we've never had before’. We went into town and took turns, shops, restaurants, all the places we usually avoided, and that was also the day I managed to drag him to a club for the first time. When we got home, we instantly fell asleep on top of each other, without a dollar in our pockets."

"You really cared about each other."

"More than anything..."

"Another moment, not necessarily with him, that made you happy?" Jake thought for a second. He shifted on Miles' lap and made himself more comfortable, spreading his legs wider so his mate could massage his thighs.

"When the children were born... I stood by her side and helped her through each birth, and when I held each one for the first time, I felt such a joy and fulfillment in my soul, like I never did before." Miles paused for a second.

"I hope you’ll feel the same for our little one."

"Of course!" Jake assured him. "Why would it be any different?" He asked rhetorically, letting out a small chuckle but Miles didn't laugh with him, didn't make a sound. Jake met his gaze. "Miles, you don't doubt that, do you?"

"It's just that sometimes I have the impression-... that you accepted him only to please me."

“Did you eat shit this morning? You have a little bit left right here…” He fooled around, grabbed Miles by the chin to pretend to wipe his lips, but he pulled away from the touch.

"I don’t feel like joking when it comes to my son." Jake felt a kick. He took Miles’ hands and placed them over the belly.

“You’re upsetting him. He gets fussy when he senses us arguing.” Statue hands on his skin. “Miles, I love him with all my heart and he’s not even here yet... Miles…”

“I-I threatened you-… I made you accept him.“

“Past tense. It’s in the past!” Memories of the moment tried to slide into the present, but Jake fought them off, focusing on feeling the baby. “I overreacted back then. You were right to get so riled up.” Right?…Right! “Come on, I don’t wanna spend our last three days with sticks up our asses!” Although, three days don’t feel enough now.

Jake stood up, arranging the fabric, smoothing out the folds. He secured the T-shirt’s collar that they’d used to tie his skirt around his waist. It was time for him to shut his brain off and pretend. A short whistle caught Miles' attention.

"Eyes on me! Enjoy the show cuz it’ll most likely be the last.”

Jake bit his lip until he knew for sure it turned to that scarlet color that was driving Miles crazy. He knelt down, prompting himself on his hands, his head cocked to one side, the kuru falling over his shoulder. From that position, Miles had the best view to what was hiding under the skirt.

"How do I look?" Miles smirked, trying to seem slightly disinterested, but his raised tail betrayed him.

"You could do better, princess."

"How so?"

"Come closer and I'll show you." He replied while licking his lips. Comets were burning.

Miles removed the string of leather holding Jake's braids together, letting them fall, framing his face. He pinched his cheekbones, the color on them matching his lips. He massaged his chest and Jake couldn't help but moan from how sensitive his nipples had become. Pregnancy sure was both a blessing and a curse. Quickly, the two buds showed through the t-shirt, and were accentuated even more when Miles pulled it up to his ribs and knotted it in the back. Nails running over, twisting, pulling, milking him.

Mouth to mouth. Kisses of the same passionate flames that seemed to burn forever.

"Am I pretty enough for you now?"

Miles bit Jake’s lip, his hands resting on Jake's round ass, a playful slap sending shivers straight down to his already wet cunt.

"When aren't you pretty? Fuck, you’re never wearing pants again… Why’d you got all dolled up, kitten?"

“I want you to fuck me in it.” Jake brought Miles’ hand closer to his cunt, a finger nudging at his clit.

“What happened to manners?” Wet kisses left on Jake’s neck.

“Please, daddy, fuck my little brains out in it!” Miles lifted it a little, to better toy with the folds and the rim of his ass, spreading the wetness in between.

“Mm, I see. My sweet boy wants to play… What if you make a mess? Daddy just got you this.” Jake threw his head back when both fingers penetrated him at the same time, a laud moan being ripped out of him, his dick twitching.

“I’ll be good, I promise! I’ll be daddy’s good little princess.”

—

“Will you kill me if I said that I wish we could stay here more?”

“You bet, after all the damn fuss you’ve made ‘bout the whole ordeal.”

“…Miles, I don’t wanna lose you.”

“You won’t. I’ll fight for you until I die. Although, death won’t stop me either.”

—

Two nights separated them from the inevitable return home. Time was passing too quickly. Jake was restless, so restless that he hadn't noticed Miles coming home, with Jake's jacket on, since he started patrolling with the ikran at night, and the communicator dangling between his fingers.

"Jake, what’s this?" Pure panic in Jake's blood. Hundreds of scenarios before his eyes. Lie to him! No, tell him the truth! No more lies!

"Lo'ak gave it to me. I've never used it, I promise. Don’t get mad at me!"

"Why should I be mad? Catch!" Miles threw it in his lap. "It's yours, do whatever you want with it. I asked you because I thought it was mine.” Jake looked puzzled at the piece of technology. All that fear built up over those months to hide his secret connection to the kids, and Miles just didn't have a problem with it. Miles snapped him out of his stupor when he came, grabbed it from Jake's hands, and tied it around his neck himself. "Jesus, you're acting like I said someone died... Go ahead, talk to him if you don't believe me!"

But Jake didn't feel up to it, his hands seemed to be paralyzed. He felt a lump in his throat, his palms were sweating, his heart was beating arrhythmically. He finally found the strength to take it off, placing it on the floor next to him.

"I can't... Let's- let's stay a few more days…"

"Jake… I swore to you."

"I know! I know… but I've gotten used to this place, with just the two of us, and sometimes I feel-…” Miles sat down next to him, taking his hands in his.

"Talk to me, little soul."

"I can't say that out loud."

"You promised me you won’t hide things anymore." Jake took a deep breath, the words tangling on his tongue.

"I got used to the seclusion.” I got used to you being the only important person in my life, with you keeping me safe, with you telling me to do things in certain ways, with you deciding for me, with you taking the reins over my stupid fucking mind. “And I'm afraid to go back and have to say what happened all this time.” And about what we turned into.

Miles suddenly looked sad. There were unspoken words between them, things that even then they couldn't admit, about the past and mistakes.

“Hey, I'm not too excited either, in case you forgot. You will see your children and friends again… I’ll have to survive them all, especially your wife. At least I hope she’ll take pity on me and won’t stab me in the back." A laugh was attempted, but Jake’s mouth didn’t budge from its stiffness.

"...Everyone will ask about the child..."

"Yeah, and? Whoever has a problem with him, will have one with me!... Enough of this! You're stressing me out too. We survived Spider and Lo'ak, we'll handle the others as well."

"We did it by lying." Jake whispered, his words echoing in both of their ears. "What if we mess up? What if we say different things?”

That was where Miles' patience ran its course. He helped Jake to his feet and dragged him to the mat. The eclipse had already set. The sky was clear, but Jake could feel a storm brewing inside him. Miles covered him with his jacket, pulled him close and stroked his hair, trying to calm him down, let sleep steal away all those fears. They were silent for a while, until Jake felt Miles' warm palm over his heart, and he froze at his mate’s words.

"I want you to know… that I’ve forgiven you." Nothing more, nothing less, but Jake didn't give him an answer, didn’t acknowledge the honest words.

Miles was the first to fall asleep, Jake remaining wide-eyed, watching the stillness of the night.

Out of nowhere, the shadow of the woman appeared from the thicket, slowly approaching the entrance of the cave and Jake exploded inside. I knew you were there. I'm going to show him I was right. He slowly pulled away from Miles, picked up the gun, and followed her, not before taking one last look behind him.

His legs carried him far across the already familiar landscape. He held the gun tightly, pointing it at whatever shadow was there and stole his gaze. Howls of wind, shadowy figures clinging to the corners of his mind. There's something there. It must be.

He continued to walk relentlessly through the night, with each step the bio florescent light around him seemed weaker and weaker. His stomach hurt, something was throbbing inside him, and the baby was restless, constantly hitting him. There's something there. I have to protect you from whatever is out there.

He looked back and there were flashes of light in his wake, stalking him like prey, ready for him to trip and fall, to make a mistake like he always did, and whatever was there to take advantage of his weakness.

He fired his gun, one bullet shattering the peace and quiet of the forest. Fear. A boundless fear burned inside him, from his heart to the womb where the little soul in him struggled. He ran, faster and faster. The shadows followed him as if they were his own shadow.

He only realized that he had reached the pass half way through the rocky corridor, when he came upon the water-soaked ground, through which he passed like a bullet through the barrel of a gun. He then saw the boulders loose and fallen from the cliff edges, crushing nature in their path. He stopped when he reached their sacred place, where the small overgrown mound of earth they had spent a few nights stood. Around, small atokirinas floated incessantly, drawn to that magnetic place like Jake.

He lay down on his back in the grass. His heart was still pounding in his eardrums, but the baby seemed to have calmed down, and so did his tummy ache. His mind was restless. He had an instinct, to dig his hands in his shoulder again until everything snaps, until his head shuts up and leaves him alone. He stopped at the last moment when an atokirina from high in the sky settled on that spot. Jake watched it pulse on his shoulder, tears clouding his vision. What do you want from me? Haven't I given enough of myself already? What more can I give you to forgive me? The air current from the pass pushed the seed back into the sky, and he watched it move. There were so many stars in the sky, so clear and bright, and he wondered how he hadn't noticed them until then.

He wanted to be a star, to hang there in the universe, to burn undisturbed until he died like all the others. With his eyes on the torches of the night, fatigue enveloped him again like a thin layer of a soft blanket. His head felt fuzzy. There was a throbbing somewhere behind his ear. He closed his eyes hoping that when he woke up, it would already be morning.

It was still night when he got home to their little stone house, cold to outsiders but warm and welcoming to their souls. But Miles wasn't there when Jake called out for him. There was a rotten smell in the air, and at the entrance to the cave sat a hunchbacked being. He could see its claws curling from its feet, the tip of its tail burning with a blue flame. The creature rose to its feet when it sensed him. A woman. She wore a Na'vi skull on her head, a reddish light emanating from the sockets where two eyes would have been. Spit and blood were oozing from her mouth. She was naked, her body smeared with soot and ash. Around her hips a belt of vines was tied in knots, with small skulls hanging from it.

"Have you come again to offer me gifts?" When she spoke, her mouth opened and stretched like a dog's. She approached him, and where her foot touched the ground, sparks and flames ignited like matches.

"I don’t know who you are. I don't know what you want from me." The woman's hands had contorted into sharp entwined blades, with branches and spear points protruding from her elbows.

"That's what I want. "She growled pointing at him. When Jake looked down he saw that he was holding a baby boy, with constellations on his beautiful blue skin, with ebony curls like his father, two bright and gentle comets watching him with joy. Jake hugged the child to his chest, stepping back.

"He’s mine. I'll give him to you when I'm dead!" Animal howls, glass shattering hundreds of times, her body convulsing, flames rising around them.

Jake looked away from the path of the flames and when he opened his eyes he was in a car, the woman on his right, the child alone in the back seat. He knew that car, he was its passenger for many years. She was slumped over in the seat, blood dripping onto the dashboard. They were driving down a road surrounded by fields, the headlights blinding him, the baby bawling behind him.

"Who are you?" He was accelerating, his hands were shaking on the steering wheel. A laugh. The woman's voice thickened. The flesh from her face dripped onto the floor. Skull over skull. A new figure in her place, a face he knew way to well. Burning eyes.

"I am you." The car derailed. Screams and laughter. The road was wet from the rain, the windshield was constantly engulfed in water. "I am you. I am the fear inside of you when you wished night after night for this to happen, for him to die so that the three of you could move on with your lives. Shame you didn't learn to be careful what you wish for! Life took them and gave you what you deserved!" A bridgehead appeared out of nowhere, the car skidded on his brakes and they were going to crash.

They were in Tommy's apartment, the front door wide open, the creature rocking in his wheelchair. The flesh on his upper body had melted away, leaving only a skeleton from which bullets and broken glass hung out of strings of blood. It was the day he and Tommy had last spoken.

"I am you...", the creature said laughing, approaching him with the wheelchair. “ I'm the fear that made you wish Tommy would never leave Earth, that he will never abandon you. You brought him his end. Life took him and gave you what you deserved!” A penknife raised towards him and a body fell endlessly.

The rock they were on swayed with the waves. The creature crouched before Lo'ak who was kneeling before his lifeless brother. There was no flesh left on the creature's body, its bones consumed in blue flames, the skulls of the belt constantly clashing against its bones, ballads of death. "I am you when you were overcome by despair. I am you when you wanted your kids to stand still for a second in their lives... oh, and look how beautiful they stood in the end. Life almost took both of them. You deserved for it to take them all!" A crimson wave rose from the depths of the sea, crashing over them, the water carrying them back into the abyss with it.

Chains attached to the wall. Shackles biting into the flesh of his wrists and ankles. His emaciated body lay limp on the mattress. The creature sat at the table, sipping from a plastic cup, the contents dripping down its bones. "I am you when you succumbed to him. It took him so little time to make you see what a terrible man you are." Jake found himself sprawled across the table with his legs over Miles' shoulders, his gaze lost to the desire inside him. "I am you when on that same night you let your worst enemy put another monster inside your flesh."

He saw himself running through the forest, running away from two shadows that were following him from afar. "I am you when you realized how that monster appeared, how your demon forced himself on you to let it live. I am the fear that made you wish it was dead. Everything is dying around you, just like you deserve!”

He fell through the branches, roots, down, down, until he hit the rocks. The entrance to the cave had shrunk and the creature was blocking it. All around them were cinders and ashes, scorched earth, lava, cracks to hell. His baby was crying in his arms, clutching his neck with his tiny fingers.

"When you accepted that child, you also accepted life with your killer, with the torturer who brought you to your knees and took your purity. Give the baby to me to rid you of him, to quench my thirst with his blood, to quench my hunger with his tender flesh." Flaming bones were coming towards him, blades and bloody mouths, two skulls welded together. "Give me the baby!" Convulsions and broken glass, sharp claws ripping chunks out of the ground. Jake backed away. He grabbed a boulder and threw it at the creature, bones from it falling like dominoes.

"He’s my child!" Two voices were heard one over the other. Miles was there beside him, arm in arm. "Take our son and go to the cave! Run and don't look back!" Miles lunged at the creature, grappling with it. Claws and blades slashing and ripping flesh, claws and fangs shattering bluish bone. The cave entrance was getting smaller and smaller. At the last moment, he threw himself to the ground, sliding through the narrow space left open. When Jake looked back, he saw Miles being torn apart by the creature, three claw marks had dug deep in his skull, chunks of flesh being ripped from him. The creature held him by the kuru, laughing. It raised an arrow in the air, ready to pierce Miles through the heart.

Jake didn't see what happened to his mate as Neteyam pulled him back by the shoulders, helping him to his feet. "Dad, don't stop! Go over there, through that crack!” Jake could barely hear what was being said to him, being overcome with a sense of relief. "My boy, how come you’re here?" From outside, the sound of stomping and fists pounding into the rock shook the barrier of sound. "Dad, you have to go!" Jake wrapped Neteyam in his arms, squeezing him tightly. "Forgive me, son! Forgive me for doing you wrong, for not being able to save you! It was my fault." Neteyam cupped his face in his hands, a radiating crimson light emanating from his body. "Dad, I have nothing to forgive. It wasn't your fault! All I want is for you to forgive yourself." He stood on tiptoes to kiss his forehead. "Go!"

He crawled with difficulty among stalactites and stalagmites, through a narrow corridor. His feet were frozen due to the water rushing on the muddy floor. The light from the crack was growing dimmer, and he could barely see where he was going. In the background, it could be heard the echo of bones colliding with each other. Everything went dark. "Brother, here!" A burning torch in the endless darkness. Tommy was waving at him to hurry up. The cave was shaking all around, howls and growls in deafening echoes causing large portions of the ceiling to fall. Jake didn't even make it to his brother before he fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face. "Tommy, I never wished for you to get hurt! Trust me, brother! Please, forgive me!” His brother knelt beside him. “Jake, it was an accident, little brother. I was on the wrong street, on the wrong night. It wasn’t your fault!" Tommy brushed the hair from his forehead, kissing the top of his head lightly, then the baby’s. "You have to forgive yourself, Jake! Nothing in our life was your fault! Take my nephew and run!”

Torch lighting his way. The water was rising more and more. It had reached up to his ribs. He was struggling to hold the child above it, to not let him touch that dirty, black water, full of venom and hate. But the road bifurcated, dividing into several paths. He didn't know which way to go. The hum of bones was snapping from all directions, howling, demanding the impossible. A hand pulled him in a direction, hurrying him towards a light. His mother was tugging at him in desperation. "Come on, Jakey, come on with mommy! I’ll protect you, son! No one touches my baby!” He saw her as clearly as he had seen them all, with her sandy hair, with her sincere blue eyes, her warm smile. "Mommy, I'm sorry! I’m so sorry!" The tunnel was getting smaller, and they had to walk bent over. Soon enough they reached a section where they had to walk on their stomachs. The space between the wall and the ceiling was extremely narrow. A coffin half filled with water. His mother held the torch. Jake was crawling and struggling with one arm, with the other he was holding the baby up so he wouldn't drown. It seemed like that tunnel had no end. The walls were shrinking, the water level was rising. Every push was an effort, a huge pain splitting his muscles in half. He panicked when he realized he was stuck. He dug his claws into the floor to pull himself forward, but he didn't budge. Behind them, the bones were approaching.

"Mom, I can't anymore. Take my son and go!” His mother moved closer to him, resting her palm on his cheek. "My boy, only you can go forward. I have to stay here." "I can’t. I got stuck. I can’t breathe. My arms hurt. I can't keep him above water." A kiss on his cheek. "Jakey, forgive yourself son!" "It was my fault, mommy!" A warm caress. The flame flickered. The air current brought with it a cry. “Jake, look at me! Honey, nothing that happened was ever your fault. Dad didn't drink at your fault, he did it because he was a weak man that didn't know how else to get over the failures in his life. I didn't stay there because of your fault, I did it because I believed until the last moment that I could change the man I love." Water waves. Bones hitting bones. "Tommy didn't die because of you! Someone attacked and robbed him. All of our fates were bound to happen. No one blames you for wanting to get over it and start a new life!” The water rose. The creature was approaching them. The torch was slowly dying. "Forgive yourself, Jake! It was never your fault, son!" Her hand in his hair. "I forgive myself.” Screeching. “It wasn’t my fault.” Bones rattling. “I forgive myself!" The walls widened, the water receded. "It wasn’t my fault." Salty tears dripping into the icy water. "It wasn’t my fault." One last kiss on his forehead. “Go Jake! I’ll stay here to light your way!" He crawled forward determined to get out of there. One last look back. "I love you so much!"

The tunnel opened, and he reached what had once been a lagoon. The creature came after him, its long arms struggling to get through the tight space. "They all died because of you! Yours! Give me that baby!” Jake hit the arms, stomped on them, crushing them. "It's not my fault!" He struck again and again, the creature roaring in pain, screams, broken glass. "Miles will never forgive you, you rat!" The creature roared, its head popping out from under the wall. Red eyes, scarlet mouth. "You will always be his prisoner, his little princess, his little toy, his little puppet to control! Always his little ‘something’. That’s how he sees you, small, insignificant!" Jake hesitated for a second, and the creature took advantage of that, grabbing the child by the legs, yanking him as hard as it could. The little one howled in his father's arms. "Give him to me and when you go back, you won't have him anymore. Make the demon pay for what he did! Make his heart boil with the knowledge of what it means to lose a son!" Punches to the bones. Three cries of pain. "I don’t care! I know what Miles did to me, but nothing changes how much I care for him and our baby! The little one has no fault just as I didn't either! It was not my fault! LET HIM GO!"

"Leave them alone, you fucking piece of shit!" Massive fists crushing bluish bones into powder. Fist after fist demolishing the creature, screams of hell blasting their eardrums. Wavy hair. Green eyes. Green eyes that he saw for the first time with warmth in them. His father tore the child from the creature's clutches, the walls collapsing over the remains. A last blue flame was extinguished by an old black boot stained with motor oil. The child calmed down, falling asleep against the chest of the man whose face Jake had thought he had forgotten. Damian looked much younger than he remembered him, without the beer belly, without the bushy beard that covered half his face, without the cold, scowling look that Jake had grown up with. Damian gently plucked the little one off and handed it to Jake.

"I believe this little champion is yours, son." Before he could lay hands on him, four blue ones took the child before he did. Miles and Neytiri took the little one, leaving with him through an opening that hadn't been there before. When Jake turned his attention back to his father, he noticed that he was human again, a teenager, dressed in Miles' clothes that were too loose on his frail body. Flesh of the same flesh that stood before him. Their eyes met. Unspoken words. A suffering left to float away.

"Dad!" Jake threw himself into his arms, hugging him tightly and shuddered when he felt his father hugging him back. "I’ve missed you so much!" His hair parted. A warm kiss like all the others before left on his forehead. "I know. I missed you too, Jake!” He had called him by name. "Dad, I'm sorry! I didn't want to wish for those things! If I knew what was gonna happen…” Hiccups and sobs. “ Jake, look at me! What did Jocy tell you, hmm? It wasn't your fault!” Jake backed away. He felt so small and helpless.

"You fought that day because of me!" "No, son! Remember the truth! Let it out!” Swirls of color filled up the lagoon, steam rising steadily above. There was clarity in the mirrored image of the icy water. “Jocy came home that day to find you beaten and bruised, but Jake… I never hit you like that in a good while. And she knew. We fought because we were scared, because we realized that you had done those things to yourself. I swore to her I didn't touch you." Fragments. Memories in a frame. "But you did, you hit her. You cut her with the glass. You hit me for calling Tommy.” Around them, the lagoon crumbled, their house appearing instead. He was in the hallway, near the kitchen, hidden in the shadows of the night. "You came out of your room and stood there against the wall to make sure she was alright. The banging was just me throwing the last bottles out of the house in the trash. Your mother threw one too, but the shards collided with each other, a few bouncing off in her arm from the impact. She screamed. You came in first. I just ran past you to get to the car.” He could see before his eyes everything his father was telling, the well-hidden truth finally being unearthed after all this time from his mind. "What about the accident?" "The police told you, you read it in the article for yourself years later. It was raining terribly that night. She was bleeding fast. I was speeding and the car skidded on a curve."

They both stood on the porch, looking at the horizon. The first rays of light were rising in the sky.

"It doesn’t even matter anymore, dad. I forgave you a long time ago, for everything." Jake took his hand in his. An aura surrounded Damian.

"I'm glad to hear that, Jake." Tears from the eyes of a man who had never let them flow. "But son, have you forgiven yourself?" So much light. Deserted street. A boy and a father.

"Yeah, I think I can firmly say that I did… I forgave myself."

"Then, son, there’s only one person left with whom you must decide what you’ll do... What you did in the past, changing the truth… you cannot repeat that if you want to move forward."

"That’s what scares me the most."

"I know, but you have to be honest with yourself, with him, and with everyone you care about, and leave the naked truth in your life. That’s the only way you’ll see the daylight, son." Damian stood up, walking slowly towards the east.

"Dad, wait!" Jake took after him, but he seemed to be walking in place, his father being the only one moving forward. “Dad, are mommy and Tommy with you? Dad!" His image merged with the colors of the light rays, diffusing into each other. His outline was lost among the coppery and reddish hues. "Dad, I love you!"

"I love you too, Jake!" And then, he wasn't there anymore.

“Jake! Jake, wake up! Jake, love, please open your eyes!”

Miles was there, shaking him gently, the fear from the burning comets being boundless. He was still sleepy.

“Jake, get up! You're bleeding!” That made him wince, his hands involuntarily going between his legs, searching. There was nothing there. Instead, Miles pressed something to the back of his head, the sting of the wound proving to him that something was indeed wrong.

"From here, princess, from the head."

"I probably fell." After Miles turned him around on all sides, checking him for other injuries, asking him a hundred times if he felt all was well with the baby, only then did he allow himself to rant.

"Do you have any idea what I went through when I woke up and you weren't there?! I didn't even know where to start looking, boy! I jumped on the ikran in two seconds and…”

Miles' worried words were spilling out like a cascade, but Jake's ears didn't catch them. It was so quiet in his mind, so calm, no fog, no memories of the past, just the remnant of a dream. Nature was also silent. Above them the atokirinas continued to fly on the current. Eywa never left us, she’s looking after us just like they do… Some of them are with Her, others I'm sure are out there among the stars. But they are all here with me in my heart. Right where he belongs too. Peace of mind. Realization. I lied to myself for so long that I believed my own lies, my own imagination, as truth. Dad stopped… he changed, but I didn’t let myself to accept that. I twisted the reality. I’m done with lying. I’m done with half-spoken truths. I’ll tell them what happened. I’ll tell them everything. But first…

"I think we need to have a serious discussion before we leave tomorrow."

Chapter Text

Rays of light broke across Jake's face, a warm comfort to the cold shiver inside him as Miles rummaged through his mind for the pieces of the dream. It was strange for Jake to admit how used he was to Miles doing this, him seeking and taking whatever he wanted. He had never thought that they’d end up being so connected, so close to each other.

He had not let anyone know all those details about his life. Tommy knew half-truths, sprinkled here and there with lies or omissions, so that the pain in Jake remained only his. Neytiri had never searched this far, invaded that personal space of his subconscious. It’d been enough for him to tell her that he didn't want her to see or for them to talk about his tumultuous past on Earth, and she had understood, as always, she had respected his decision and never insisted on knowing more.

He had let little details slip from the well-guarded vault of memories when the children were too curious and asked more and more questions about their special father that came from a star. It was funny to see Norm trying to explain the concept of 'twin' to the kids and that there once was a person who looked exactly, or rather almost exactly, like their father. And sometimes even Jake couldn't believe that Tommy had been real. His brother felt like a breeze in his life, a brief spark to ease his way, for which he could only be grateful, because Jake didn't want to think about what his life would have meant without Tommy. He would certainly not have been able to navigate through the torrent of problems and misfortunes. And his only remaining regret was that maybe sometimes he hadn't shown enough love and respect for him.

And now, it was just him and Miles, and if he really thought about how much everything had changed in the past half year, it felt like their worlds had turned on polar opposites. Maybe that's how they should’ve been from the very beginning, dependent on each other, intertwined, two restless birds that would always fly in the same direction in the end. And Miles was everything. Miles was the prayer and he was the lips that whispered the words. Miles was the sin and he the sinner unconcerned with eternal punishment. They would always be united in body and mind, and Jake was sure their souls weighed and looked the same.

Jake didn't like to show that sensitive and affectionate side of him, because that was the one that always brought him trouble. But with Miles, it was impossible to keep his feelings in check. It was like telling someone to stop breathing.

However, in the racing background of his mind, Jake couldn't shake a feeling of unease and dread when it came to his mate. He had changed enormously in such a short time, but anger still sometimes simmered beneath the icy skin he had gradually learned to warm. Jake knew that he was never going to get rid of that little bit of anger, no matter how much time passed, no matter what the other did, or how much Jake tried to make things better. At critical moments, Miles was driven by anger, a never changing fact that needed to be accepted. Jake hoped that at least that day Miles would be driven by the rest of his feelings for him, for what he was about to suggest.

Jake focused on showing him the dream as clearly as possible, but he could sense that Miles' attention wasn't just there, that he was looking for something specific at the same time as what Jake was showing him. In the end, Miles separated their kurus, but did not let go of them from his hands.

“So…you were right. There wasn’t anyone lurking in the shadows. My fear made that up.”

Miles tried to smile but it was so clear that something was bothering him.

"I'd like to tell you 'I told you so' but..."

Jake ran his hand through his hair, his fingers finding the wound left by the fall he didn't remember. It was strange that he felt that there were several gaps in the narrative thread, that something was slipping through his fingers, but he had to focus on the present.

"Did you see it all the way to the end? Did you see what I said to my father at the end?" Miles frowned, clearly bothered by the subject. He looked tired.

"If I took note of every conversation in every dream I've had so far, the two of us wouldn't be talking like two sane people right now."

"That was different, important." Jake replied sharply. "I want to," he continued, adjusting his voice. "to tell the truth when we return."

Jake instantly felt something deep inside him alert. Miles went rigid, not knowing what to do with himself, rocking on his heels, his face set in stone.

"What exactly does that mean?" He asked after several good seconds.

"Exactly what you hear. When we get to them and they ask us what happened, I want us to tell them the whole truth, with all the shit in between."

A forced laugh escaped Miles' lips and suddenly, the ground Jake sat on seemed colder and harder, the air dissipated, hummingbird wings nesting in his heart again.

"You really hit your head, princess." He laughed once more, kicking a rock out of his way. "Come, up! We're going home, I'm gonna see what I can do about that cut of yours and-"

"No! I'm not leaving here until you talk to me!" But Miles was already at his side, pulling on his arms to lift him off the grass. Jake panicked, and panic brought violence. He punched Miles in the ribs, pulled him by the kuru, but his mate had learned to take his so-called 'hits' without much of an effort. A harsh slap across his ass made Jake flinch enough for Miles to lift him by his hips into the air, and he knew he was going to be carried on his shoulder like a child. He had to do something. Anything. They needed to speak and stop avoiding difficult situations. Jake let his long nails dig into the skin of Miles' scalp, three streaks of blood marking his flesh up to his eyebrow, and Miles let go.

"What the fuck?! Jake- shit!”

"We're not leaving until you listen to me!"

"You mean until I do what you want?" Miles shouted too, already angry. “Fucking hell! Say goodbye to those nails!” He was holding his head, blood running down the side of his face and Jake quickly regretted what he did.

"I’m sorry! But you always react like that… Miles, I'm serious! I don't want to lie anymore!" They both took a deep breath, taking a step back from each other.

"'truth'... I'm so sick of that word, of what it means. But let's say we kick the whole plan we've been hatching all these months and do it your way. What exactly are you gonna say? I'm very curious."

A slight pain shot through Jake's stomach. Knife blade somewhere inside it. The baby was calm.

"Depends on what I'm gonna be asked-"

"Alright! Let's do an exercise in imagination." Jake didn't like Miles' smug, superior tone, as if he knew something more. "I ask you questions and you answer me as if you were talking to them... Why is Lyle dead?"

It was a simple question, perhaps the simplest he could ask him. Jake could picture the whole scene. He saw Lyle's body fall to the ground, without a kuru, more dead than alive, struggling like a fish on land. The answer was there, right in front of his eyes, but nothing came out of his mouth. He thought over and over, but the harder he tried, the more the fog in his mind grew.

"I- I don't know anymore-"

"Where did I hide you? Where did I let you sleep?”

"In the shack. In your bedroom-“

"Before the bedroom?" Was there a 'before'? The ground beneath his feet shook a little, and Jake nearly fell off balance.

“Why do you have all those scars on your wrists and ankles?”

“Because I was hurting myself.”

"Wrong answer, sweetheart. That’s your made up lie… What’s up with our kid?”

“I-he…It was my idea to get pregnant, he-“

“I’ll stop you right there. It wasn’t. Why were you so weak, so skinny, at the Tree of Souls?" You know that! Focus!

"I couldn't eat because of the nausea from the bond."

"Mhm...and what else? That wasn’t the only reason."

Time was passing him by, his mouth remained silent, waves of anger coursing through his veins. It seemed impossible for him not to be able to answer the questions he had been hearing for the last few weeks, not to be able to find the words and the memories he needed. His own mind was betraying him again, and there was no one to blame for it than perhaps himself.

"Remember the plastic cups?"

"Yeah." He whispered.

"What was in them?"

"Vitamins- no! Something…fruit juice mixed with sleeping pills.” Miles hid his amusement by biting his lip.

"That's what I taught you to lie, little soul. What was actually in them?”

I don’t know anymore. God, I see them, right in front of my eyes. Why can't I remember? Everything was a blur. Miles caught him just before he fell, dropping them both to their knees.

"Jake, look at me." He looked up with difficulty, more scared than ever of what he would find in the sea of gold in Miles' irises. "Jake, do you still know who Vivienne is?" He let the name roll in his mind, but he couldn't associate any person with it. His silence was answer enough. "Sarah, Oliver, do these names mean anything to you?" The same eerie silence.

"You did something, you-"

"I didn’t do anything. I just changed two memories, that's all. I never erased anything from your mind. That’s on you and your pain game." Jake let his head fall onto Miles' shoulder, seeking his sweet scent to calm himself. "Let's go home. We'll talk more over there. I promise."

Jake felt like everything was falling apart around him. His father had been right many years ago when he had heard him say that no one prepares you for how cruel life is. He finally felt like he could have it all, he accepted Miles, he loved him, they had their little corner of happiness and it was nice and quiet, only for it to be shaken up by moments like this. He thought that maybe it was another punishment, one that neither of them could control, because around them the Na'vi were still dying, the war wasn't over because the fight between the two of them had stopped. And instead of the two of them being there in the front lines and giving everything they have to conquer, they were hiding in their own little universe.

The fly back went by in the blink of an eye. His legs took him to the place where he had built the stone dome, and he wondered why they couldn't get over the past without pain, without complications. Miles tried to say something to him, but Jake stormed past him. He seemed to be on autopilot. Slowly and with difficulty from his swollen belly, he began to gather their belongings from around the cave and place them in a backpack.

“Can you stop? I thought you wanted to talk."

"We're leaving right now! Help me gather our stuff!”

"Jake!… Jake, stop and come to me!"

I want to go home. I want to be well, like before. I want to tell them the truth. Wooden toys thrown into the backpack, some fruits, the jacket. Miles shouted at him to stop, to take it easy and calm down. His wound still hadn't stopped bleeding.

“Jake, I know you're scared, okay? But we’ll figure it out. Together."

"You're taking me back today, now, this minute!" Knives through his belly. The baby was calm, so calm. "And we will tell them- you will tell them everything that happened, without omitting stuff, without lying!"

"Jake that's pure suicide and you fucking know it!" Miles tried to explain. He had remained standing in front of the entrance, somehow afraid to approach Jake, as if he was going to step on a landmine.

"No one will do anything to you! I won’t let them, I’ll defend you!… Miles, you’re my mate now, no one is gonna separate you from us without my will, and I don't want that.”

"That's what we think now, but when their ears will hear how we got here, they'll tear the little one from my arms. As for you, how do I know your science friends won't try to reverse our mistake? What if there is a way for you and her to be together again?”

"It wasn’t a mistake! Eywa wants this, and they’re not gonna interfere-"

"You don't know that!"

"They will respect my decision."

"No, not when they find out how you got to it." Miles replied bitterly. He leaned back further, breathing hard, his tail flapping wildly like a propeller. "Yes, the fact that we’re mated has affected our feelings, but it's not just that… There’s a term for what happened to you, which they’ll slap in your face whenever you’ll defend me."

"Miles, I don't care-"

"Stockholm syndrome."

Outside, the sun went into the clouds. Jake moved closer to him, he wanted to take Miles' hand in his, but something stopped him.

“That’s bullshit. You know it, I know it. That’s not-“

"It is!… They’ll do everything possible to make you hate me. They’ll make you want to return to Neytiri. Anyway...you'll always love her." I can never hate you again. Fingers intertwined. Comets looking for comets to break into stardust.

“Why can't I love you both? It’s ironic actually…I was so scared my entire life of this feeling that I have for you, and yet it came with such ease. It took me longer to accept it than to fall for you.”

“Jake…”

"I stopped fighting against the current. My feelings are real! This will count, nothing else. There is nothing more anyone can say to change my mind. I've lived with you, we've been through so much, and even so,” His palm found his beating heart. "I got to see beyond what's on the surface, get to know a side of you that surprised me, that I got to love and... I forgave you, Miles!" Jake stood up on his tiptoes, seeking Miles' lips but he turned his head, the kiss landing on his cheek.

"You can't forgive things you don't remember." Jake turned his head, his fingertips wiping the trail of blood from Miles' forehead. Blood upon blood, so much of it spilled so that they might live in peace.

"Help me remember. Only you can. Give them back to me, just as they were.” Melting kiss. Kisses on the forehead, to an open wound. "I'm sorry I hurt you." Jake brushed his blood-caked hair aside. All that red in black strands and on blue skin seemed beautiful, angelic to him, because what was more romantic than shedding blood for the person you love.

"I’m the one supposed to say that, princess." Miles murmured against his ear, pulling him close to his warm body. He hugged him and held him to his chest, caressing his back, tracing the lights on his skin like a lost person finding his way home. "I’m so sorry, Jake!"

He kissed Miles with everything he had, with all the passion he had built up, chasing away the sweet taste until they both forgot to breathe. Miles' hand traveled up his neck, getting lost in his braids, tugging a few, Jake moaning slightly at the sensation.

"My beautiful boy… All this time you've been the one pulling the strings over me."

“Mm, my evil plan worked.” Jake said with a chuckle, tracing Miles' lips, getting lost in the constellations on his face.

Miles suddenly picked him up, Jake wrapping his legs around his waist, letting himself be carried to the mat. They couldn't separate from each other, curling together, Jake's belly being the only thing that put some distance between them.

"Tell me it's not a dream, Miles. Tell me that you won't wake me up and that we won't be the same as before...monsters to each other."

"It's not a dream, princess. You’re all mine and only mine, as I’ve always wanted you, my little soul!"

Nothing was truer. Jake's mind had been played with and changed by Miles' mind, his body had been beautifully marked in every way, with marks he would carry for the rest of his life. His lips would never touch another. The gold on his finger would always hang heavy, the sign of their devotion. His heart would beat madly for just one more. There was no greater union than the child growing in his womb despite all the hardships and difficult situations they had been through.

“Miles, give them back to me. Please, love!"

"Are you sure you want them after all this time you've been trying to forget them?"

"Yes...I made the biggest mistake. But no more mistakes, right, Miles?” The answer was slow to come so Jake kissed him again, afterwards trailing his kisses up from his jaw to behind his ear, where he lightly nipped the skin and Miles shivered at his touch, a low moan escaping his lips.

"You always know how to get what you want, don't you, kitten?… Alright, we’ll stop making mistakes." He sighted. “What don’t I do for you?…” Miles pushed him down by the shoulders, laying Jake down with his head on his arm. "How about you take a nap." He brought their kurus together and the electrifying attachment felt more complete than ever, puzzle pieces finally matching perfectly.

“Miles, all of them.”

"Sleep, kitten! Close your eyes and go to sleep…” A kiss on his forehead. "Go to sleep!" Go to sleep! Go to sleep… Go to…

The sea lapped against the shore in the calm of the sunset, silvery foam caressing his feet in the sand. In the background, somewhere in the distance, a metal skeleton of a ship was burning ravenously. Around him, bloodstains colored the sand a pleasant shade of red. Miles was there beside him, the blade of the knife caressing his face, and Miles kissed him, a bitter, salty, metallic kiss. One by one, entire strands of his hair were swept away by the waves, as were the things he was wearing. He remained undressed.

"Come with me!" He was being dragged, held tightly by the wrists, heading towards what appeared to be a restaurant and it didn't feel right that he was naked while Miles was dressed in a black suit.

"Sit at a table and wait for me!" The storm had started outside. The room was small, cramped, although there was only one other table occupied by a few Na'vi in military garb. Jake sat down at a table near a window so he could watch the raindrops hit the glass. Miles returned with silver bracelets that he fastened around his wrists. "I don't like them. They’re heavy, they peel my skin like sandpaper."

Miles' face changed, his features taking on something demonic, a coppery aura surrounding him. He sat down at the table, his eyes burning like two comets. "I know it hurts. That’s what they’re for." From the opposite table, the soldiers sat staring at them, a strange grin etched on their faces. A waiter brought food, but only for the demon, while he was given a plastic cup with some liquid in it. He almost threw up when he realized why he had to drink. Jake felt an emptiness in his stomach.

He looked down and saw his bones protruding through his skin, sharp ribs, round hip bones, flat stomach. He hit the glass, letting it fall and roll away, but when he looked back, another was sitting in the same spot. "Why can't I eat like you?" "Because I want you to be weak, to be unable to run away from me, or to fight back." The rain pounded harder against the glass, flimsy cracks leaving in their wake.

Suddenly, the seat beneath him became wet. Jake stood up to see slick clots coming out of him. "No! I don’t want this!" He wiped himself in desperation with his hands, with the napkins on the table, but the wetness continued to drip onto the floor. "I can help you if you come to me." "I don’t want to! Don’t touch me!" The hyenas watched him, fangs sharp, smiles turned upside down. One of them was taking pictures of him. The demon stood up, knocked the plates down and threw Jake onto the table, spreading his legs. "I don't want you to do this to me! Please!" Loud laughter mingled with the roar of the storm, and he was crushed by the massive body in front of him. "Stop looking at me, you fuckers!"

The demon slapped him across the face several times, beat his ass until it was bruised, threw his legs over his shoulders, his fingers curling around Jake's throat. "They're all dead, boy!" Bodies crumpled onto the table, eyes milky white, skin burned, flesh swollen with water, bullet holes and arrowheads adorning their skin. "See the one with the cut throat? I killed him because he did exactly what I'm doing to you now." One hard thrust and the demon tore him in two. Jake blinked often, fighting back tears. His head was slammed against the table, the background changing every time the back of his head met the wooden surface, with him on a mattress, with him against a sink stealing a blade, with him being pushed down in the sheets of the demon. One hit, another and another, until his vision blacked out.

When he opened his eyes they were in their bedroom, his and Miles', lying together on the bed, hugging. The rain had stopped. The ceiling of the room was full of stars. In the reflection of the glass Jake could see the blur of them at a lake, having childish fun, loving each other endlessly in the moment encapsulated in eternity. "I kidnapped you,” He heard ikran wings flying him far away for the people he loved most. “I kept you here,” The shack felt smaller, taking away the air from his lungs. “I played with your mind,” He remembered a blood bag, he heard harsh words about who he wasn’t. “I beat you...” Bruises of all colors were covering his body like paint. “I raped you...” Mouth opened, legs parted by threats and tricks. “you almost died because of me... I forced you and took advantage of your illness. I threatened you to make you accept our child."

Jake could hear Miles' voice, understood the meaning of all his words, but to him they were all part of a distant past, one who couldn’t be changed so it was better of accepted and moved on. His gaze could not tear himself away from the reflection. Carefully, as if he could disappear at any moment, Jake placed his palm on Miles' chest. "I know... but it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing else matters. And I forgive you...for everything." Kisses of lava, the intoxicating smell of honey and endless constellations. "There are still things you must see."

They were walking arm in arm on a stone seafront. The sun shone brightly in the sky, but the sea breeze chilled them. Miles pulled him closer to his body. A small clink could be heard with each step they took. Jake was wearing Miles' dog tags. When he opened his mouth to ask about him, a small trickle of blood slid down his chin, which Miles quickly wiped away with the back of his hand. At the end of the seafront, three people were waiting for them. Jake felt like he knew them but their faces told him nothing.

"You still remember your friends, right? You still know Vivienne who you spent an entire summer with before she moved out of that town. She taught you a lot.” The golden haired girl approached him, a butterfly flying high into the sky from her open fist. She kissed his hands and Jake remembered all the moments with her. Vivienne broke away suddenly, smiled at them, and threw herself over the seafront railing into the calm waves of the sea.

"But do you remember Sarah?" A colorful bright smile, the body of a goddess. "Sarah who would’ve given you anything your heart desired in exchange for your attention." Sarah hugged him tightly, kissing his cheek, and he remembered. One last touch, and she leaped into the foam of the sea.

"And how can we forget Oliver? He saved you from yourself many times.” Emerald eyes, a warm smile. Oliver kissed him on the lips and Jake let the memories come flooding back. Just as suddenly, Oliver tore himself from his body and dove after the girls into the clear waters of the sea. The floor of the seafront was stained with warm drops of blood. Miles helped him sit on the railing, kissed him deeply wiping away tears and pain, both lost in the song of the waves, baptized by the splash of water breaking against the rocks.

"We still have one more place to visit, little soul."

The road of the seafront melted away, in its place appeared a deserted street, at the end of which a house and a child could be seen. A car sped past them, its yellow headlights blinding them. On the front porch of the house, barefoot, looking into the distance for a fading light, Jake saw himself. "Why are we here?" But Miles didn't answer him, hurrying to the entrance of the house. "Don’t! Wait! Miles, leave things as they are! Miles!” Jake couldn't stop him.

He saw himself being carried in the large arms of his mate. They entered the house together, avoiding stepping on bloodstains and shards. He remembered a scream, pain against his skull, the blood dripping down the hallway to the front door. “I know what happened here was horrible, kid. Nobody wants to see that. But all of your past has made you who you are today.” The roles have reversed. The memory played out in front of them, the little him walking out holding Tommy's hand. Jake stayed in Miles' arms, rocking gently, looking at their mother telling them she would be back. "That changed everything and it hurts, but it made you strong…and you've always stayed strong Jake."

"You once told me that all you see in me is an orphan." He turned to face Miles.

They were on the roof of the house under the starry sky, lying on their sides. "I lied. You are everything they see in you, a warrior, a good leader, a father like I’ll never be...a soul with a strong heart.” Heart on heart, strong beats in tandem. "And now you know everything...and you also know all the harm I’ve done to you." Jake let his hand slide down Miles' bare body. "Yes, I remember... and I still choose to forgive you, as you forgave me."

They both laid back, calmly swimming in the cold water of the lake, where the atokirinas flew above them.

"I'm tired of running and being afraid of my feelings. It doesn't matter how we got here. What happened… happened. All that matters is what we do from now on. I’m yours and you’re mine, and no one gets to change that. We’re stuck together for whatever time we’ll have left in this world, but now, I don’t regret it for a second. And I… I see you, Miles.” The supernova high in the sky reflecting in the lake and in Miles' warm teary eyes.

"I see you too, Jake."

He let himself be awakened by sweet kisses on the cheek, on the jaw, down the neck.

"My dear little soul...my sweet boy. I’ve got you." A cloth was pressed over his nose. "Breathe through your mouth until it stops."

“Who are you?”

Jake saw the color in the face of the person in front of him disappear in a flash. The man gaped, motionless, golden eyes darting in all directions.

"What?"

"I have no idea who you are." Jake repeated in Na'vi. He could feel the iron on his tongue. The man sit up straighter, an indecipherable expression on his face as he pressed the cloth harder over Jake’s bleeding nose. "I appreciate the gesture, but now I think you can go."

“Jake…” Hands touching the side of his face, sorrow in beautiful golden eyes.

“…Yeah, that’s my name. Look, I have a wife, so…if you don’t mind, you know, fucking off.” He kept looking at the man in confusion. And he hold it, and hold it, until he couldn’t and he just bursted out laughing until tears come out. “God, you should’ve seen your face.” There was a slight pain inside him every time he laughed, stabbing him somewhere around his navel. A hard pinch on his tail stopped the cascade of laughter.

‘You little-… Jesus Christ!” Miles fell on his ass, hiding his face in his hands, shaking slightly.

“Say, I gave you a good heart attack, love.” Miles didn’t move. “You’re so fucking dramatic, although…imagine that actually happening.” He added chuckling some more. His pain didn’t go away. "Help me up, I'm pissing myself." 

Rolled eyes and huffs and puffs, but finally Miles gave in and got up to help him. It took a second for the black cloud of bad luck to continue to hover over their miserable lives, a second for Jake to rose to his feet, a second for him to feel something break and tear inside him, a second for a bucket of liquid to ran down between his legs soaking his pants. They both froze, watching the liquid drip from his pants onto the stone floor.

"Is that?..."

"My water broke. Fuck! Miles, it's too early. It's…”

The stabbing pain continued, intensified, as if his entire uterus was split in two. Miles pulled his pants down quickly, swearing under his breath. Blood trickled down Jake's thigh.

"What should we do? What does this mean?… Jake!”

"I’ll lose the child. I’ll-"

He collapsed onto Miles' body, his fingers clinging to his shoulders. Drumming in his ears, tingling in his hands, no more air in his lungs. Pure panic, the same kind as every time he knew he was powerless, that the situation was lost. All he could see in those moments was Neteyam lying on that stone, and he knew it would happen again. He had failed and would fail again with this child.

"I'm gonna lose him too."

"No, I don’t wanna hear such a thing! Where are the comm and earpiece?" Miles' voice was muffled, the words spilling around like through a tunnel. “Jake, pull yourself together! Focus! Are they still in your jacket?”

"Yes, yes, still there." He answered breathlessly.

Miles helped him lie down again and quickly scurried his away from him. Jake didn't know what was stronger, the pain in his soul or the devastating pain in his body. He could feel the wound inside, he could feel the raw flesh bleeding as if he could see and touch it. He moved his hands between his legs, palming his good-for-nothing cunt. Stay there! Stay inside me!…You had one thing to do and you weren't good at it either. You’re good for nothing! You and your fucking useless cunt… you have no fucking problem taking dick, but you can’t keep the baby alive. He pressed harder, hoping the gesture and thoughts would do something, stop the inevitable, though in the back of his mind, he knew there was no way the baby would survive without the amniotic fluid. Miles hurried past him, putting in the earpiece, saying something, but Jake was no longer aware of the sounds around him. All he could hear was the sound of life dying through his helpless fingers. I'll do anything! He prayed, to anyone willing to hear him. I'd rather die in his place. Let my baby live!

"Tiger, listen to me carefu-… Spellman, right now."

Jake looked back at Miles, who was going around in circles, talking quickly to whoever was on the other end of the line. I should’ve known something was wrong. I haven't felt him move since last night. I should’ve realized. I put myself and my fucking idiot head first when he should’ve been the priority all the time. I don’t want to lose you. I don't want to be without you!

"Checking now! Jake, love, you have to let me see what's going on." Miles said calmly, gently pushing Jake's hands aside. Miles' finger entered him carefully, deep, deep, until it hit his walls, but it felt like someone had struck a handful of matches inside him. Miles' skin turned out pinkish.

"It's still closed, although it's something different ‘bout it and he's bleeding from somewhere..."

Miles' frown grew deeper as the seconds ticked by. He placed his hand on Jake's stomach, massaging it gently, but Jake wanted to scream in anger, get up and run wherever he could see.

"What can I do until then?… Got it… I’m leaving the line open, move your asses faster!…Yeah, Spellman, I'm giving you orders!" Miles took off the earpiece, letting out a few curses.

"What did they say? What can we do?"

"They're leaving right now. They're gonna find the signal and follow it. We're safe as long as you don't start dilating… If you do, then it's a race against time.”

"But Miles, he's too small... I'm bleeding…"

"Calm down, little soul! There was a woman with them, a doctor. She told me that your membranes probably ruptured, whatever those are, and that's why there's a little blood. It’ll be okay! The little one’s strong, like us!" A kiss that was meant to ease his anxiety did the exact opposite when he saw how scared Miles was too, by the way his hand was shaking, by how long the kiss had been, by how his tail wasn't standing still.

Jake knew what it meant though, he knew from Neytiri's births that there was no way they could stop it. It was happening. The baby was coming too soon.

The wait was just as painful. They tried to find a more comfortable position, and Jake did his best to move as little as possible, to avoid sudden movements, though the pain radiated and throbbed through his muscles more and more often and prolonged. Miles brought him water to drink, held him close, filled his head with words of encouragement. The frustration of his helplessness was still clearly visible, and that scared Jake even more. It made him realize how many factors their little chance of saving the baby depended on. If Ardmore hadn't come upon them, maybe they wouldn't have left for Hell's Gate, they wouldn't have been found by the children, Lo'ak wouldn't have left his secret gift of salvation, the key between their different worlds. Had they been on their own, they wouldn't have stood a chance. When it came to life and death, death was victorious most of the time, especially in Jake's life.

The silence was good, it was soothing. Neither knew what else to say. Maybe there was nothing concrete left to say after the fact that that catastrophe was the fault of both of them. I had to be more convincing. I shouldn't have agreed to stay with him for this long. If we had come back earlier, maybe we could’ve avoided this, maybe nothing bad would’ve happened. Pain, small breaths, reliefs and caresses and worries, sobs. Bit by bit but alarmingly quickly, two hours passed. Miles was constantly watching his watch, while Jake was listening intently for any sign of a propeller cutting through the air currents, though he knew there was no way they could get to the lair they were hiding in that quickly.

"I have to check again, Jake." He sat up well, fighting the pain, spreading his fear-numbed legs apart for Miles. His mate suddenly turned pale. "Fuck!" His fingers continued to search for something, but it was clear as day what had happened, especially since Jake was no longer feeling any resistance. “Spellman, are you still there?… Yeah… I can put two fingers through, so I don't know, an inch or two… Where the hell are you? …He's not bleeding anymore, he-… You know what, you tell him!”

The earpiece moved to Jake's ear, the comm held close to his mouth. The words stopped in his throat in fear, until he heard Norm's worried voice.

"Jake, can you hear me?" Tears flooded his eyes at the sound of his friend's voice.

"Yes, I hear you." More gasps and whispers could be heard in the background.

“Jake, I want you to stay calm. OK? We'll come and get you out of there, buddy."

"Norm, you have to save the child. Please! He's all that matters!" The silence that followed sent a knife through his heart. "You heard me?"

"Yeah…yeah, we-… we'll do our best to get there in time."

No one said anything after that, and he didn't feel able to speak either. He handed Miles back the earpiece, leaning back on his side, snuggling into himself. Tears slowly ran down his cheeks. There was so much pain in him, needles all over his body, a bitter taste on his tongue. He cocked his head to one side, pressing his forehead to the cold floor. Miles didn't leave him in that position for long. He placed Jake's head in his lap, brushed aside a few loose strands of hair that had stuck to his sweaty forehead. Jake took his hand and squeezed it tightly.

"Miles, when they come, don't let me go. Don't let go of my hand for even a moment!"

"I’m not gonna, my sweet boy. You got this, Jake. Every thing will be alright."

The sun struggled to break through the clouds, a few rays appearing and disappearing back into the fluffy nets. He stared at the gray sky, far away, until the image blurred, his imagination filling in gaps that weren't there. Out of colored blobs emerged outlines, and he imagined a little boy with ebony curls playing happily with his older siblings on a beach, all of them laughing and playing together. The little one ran, stopping in the arms of the woman who he called 'mother' with such ease. He and Miles surprised them, hugging them from behind, smothering them with warm kisses. The bubble burst as a beam of light met his gaze. It will be real. I’ll do anything to make it be real.

Chapter Text

It was funny to him at that point, truly, how destructive one’s brain can become in stressful situation, when the emergency lever was cranked all the way down, rusted in its place. It wasn’t always like that. He was trained to take it, by life, by the military, for his brain to remain in battle mode until the rode was clear. That training got rewired to be weaker, or maybe reset back to nothing after so many attempts to change his being from the way in.

A flicker of light, a grain of hope kept swaying around the back of his mind, yet he learned to ignore it as it never really did anything for him in the recent weeks. He had hope at some points that someone will save him like he saved so many before. He shamefully hoped at the beginning for Miles to die, for his own hands to be strong enough to see it through and cut away life from a demon’s body. He wrongfully hoped that his baby will die, although that might become true now. He hoped for so much, and so much less was returned to him. 

So when you train your mind to stop relying on hope, what are you left with? As they lay there awaiting for a sign, he thought of the worst. He prepared himself to see a tiny body slipping out, unmoving and silent. They'd have to gather the courage to bury him, and let him go back to Eywa, but maybe they'll prolong it a little. Maybe Miles will let him hold the baby to his chest for a few minutes and let him pretend that he felt a tiny breath on his skin. He tried to come up with the best apologies for Miles for to why he failed to carry to terms the pregnancy. He knew he had to do it on his knees, with his head at Miles’ feet. It seemed appropriate, fundamental even, for taking away another important thing from his life. He knew he would let his mate put one back in right away, let himself be fucked raw, painfully, for as long as Miles considered it fit. 

That was his promise too, right? Or better off, his vows that poured out of him without a second thought, that he'll stay, let himself be breed and owned. Isn’t that what all of them where doing back on Earth, in those old wood-rotted churches? He did it already, he gave himself away. And I'd do it all over again.

Pain pulled him out of his thoughts. Miles left him alone on the ground for a bit so he could gather the rest of their belongings. 

“Why did you gift us with such a miracle just to take it away?” 

“What did you say?” Miles asked from across the other side of the cave.

“Nothing… I’m just talking to myself.”

Several minutes passed in endless waiting. The contractions had become more painful and longer, taking his breath away. He forgot how many times he bit his lip, fangs digging into flesh to keep quiet. He shouldn't even have complained or let out a whimper. His physical suffering meant nothing in comparison to the suffering that was probably felt by the baby. His own body was expelling him, as if he had enough of the intruder.

He wondered what Miles thought of the incident, if he could put aside the primal parental fear that resided inside and let the coherent thinking take over. He probably would’ve yelled somewhere in there, because yelling was better than fists and slaps. Or maybe he'd find that inner peace that Jake was sure he could reach and just hold him in his arms and say, 'It's okay, my love. For the next time, we’ll know what to do.'

“Jake! Throw the comm! Quickly, boy!” He found it with shaking hands, grabbed it and threw it over his head. “I’m here, Spellman!… I see… Where?… I know the spot well. Tell whoever is flying that shit to get a move on!” Jake looked at his mate, through water-soaked lashes, world tuned upside down, putting his backpack on. Blue feet marched towards him and he found himself being lifted from the ground. 

“Miles, put me down! It hurts! I’m naked…” Miles tied the jacket around his waist, a shallow blanket of privacy.

“Hold onto me. Come on, both hands! We have to go to where they’re landing.” He clung to Miles' neck, hid his face against his neck, and looked towards their home once more. It didn't feel right that after three months the two of them would just be ripped from their little corner of happiness. Miles must have been thinking the same thing, because he stepped slowly, living a little longer in the moment, almost with the same fear as ripping a band-aid too suddenly.

As they stepped outside under the overcast sky, into the gentle blowing of the cold wind, another soap bubble burst. They passed over the stone dome and Jake felt the need to stop, to place one more stone for the life they had in their paradise. His only consolation was that the dome would remain there, as a physical sign that their time together was real, that what was between the two of them was real, that the two of them existed happily in a bubble of time. Miles hurried his pace, running through the vegetation. A man and his mission, to keep their family safe. Maybe he won’t fail like I did.

Soon the propellers of the Samson were heard disturbing the peace of nature. Wind blowing everything in all direction and Jake hid his face in the crook of Miles’ neck.

“What about your ikran?” He yelled over the noise.

“Cupcake can follow. She goes anywhere I go.”

Miles' voice faded into the background. They squinted their eyes as the aircraft cautiously descended to the ground, and Jake took a deep breath, bracing himself for who he was about to see disembark from it. The first thing he noticed was Norm, in his avatar body, clearly agitated, as if ready to jump in to help before he could land. He tightened his grip on Miles when he caught sight of Neytiri and Lo'ak. He didn't feel ready to see them. Just past their bodies, he saw Dina, the High Camp doctor, a first aid kit slung over her shoulder.

It was easier to watch the propellers slow down than to look into the eyes of the people who meant so much to him. They all got off the plane, Jake expecting Neytiri and Lo'ak to be the first to jump into his arms, but the two stayed behind, one foot inside and one on the grass. No one said anything, but their looks spoke for themselves. Jake had never seen such sadness in Norm's eyes. Norm and Dina approached slowly, as if defusing a bomb, a wrong step would've been the equivalent of a wrongly cut wire. Eminent explosion. Jake expected guns blazing, punches thrown around, yet there was this static eeriness munching on their outlines. He actually preferred something to burst, besides his guts and cunt.

"We'll take him from here." Norm said firmly.

"He's not going anywhere without me, Spellman."

"There's room for only one more person." Dina jumped in, closing the distance between them. She looked so small, a bug in the grass that Miles could've just squashed. But Dina was different, she was kind-hearted, merciful, she wouldn't have dared to harm them.

"Bullshit! I have eyes, woman. We all go, or you leave without him knowing that because of you, an innocent child died."

“We’re wasting precious time.” Norm tried to reason. 

The grip Miles had on his body was the perfect indication that the answer was sat in stone. 

“We will do what Jake wants.” He almost didn’t believed that those words came from Neytiri. Her voice sounded shy, withdrawn. Everyone was looking at him and he could even feel Miles's gaze burning his flesh. The pain inside made him flinch, his knee hitting Miles in the ribs.

"We're all going." He hissed through his teeth.

Neyriri and Lo'ak stepped aside, making room for them to enter first in the aircraft. Norm and Dina exchanged another glance, but they also stepped back, allowing Miles to advance between them. They all climbed back into the Samson, Miles lowering them at the far end, on one of the metal benches. He was holding Jake so tight he was sure to bruise. Dina threw two oxygen masks at them, which they clumsily threw over their heads, both letting go of the other with only one hand. Everyone’s looks on them never stopped sending chills down Jake's spine.

It wasn't until they were comfortably seated and the helicopter began to rise that Neytiri worked up the courage to break away from Lo'ak and strode the distance between them, crouching next to Jake. She buried her head into Jake's chest, letting out a sob, hugging, not realizing she wasn't touching just Jake's skin.

"Oh Great Mother, thank you! MaJake! You are here. You are with us. It's going to be fine." Tears came of their own accord, falling warm down his cheeks as he clasped her shoulders with one hand.

“I’ve got you, baby. I missed you, Net, so, so much.” Nose buried deep in her braids, a kiss left on her temple. But something felt different. Her sweet rose perfume was no longer the same. It had a bitter tinge to it. His own body was signaling him that she wasn’t his anymore, and that made him hold her even tighter, happy that they had found each other, that he saw one more time the one who had changed his whole life into something greater. Their sweet moment was interrupted by Norm and Dina.

“Jake, we need to check vitals. We need to know what’s happening."

With difficulty, and with Miles' fingers untangling his from Neyriri's shoulder, he released her, and she returned to where Lo'ak sat. Jake couldn't read the emotions on his son's face. It was as if he wasn't even there, staring absently through them, the sparkle in his eyes gone. Suddenly, Jake's chin was lifted, warm lips pressing against his, Miles' eyes staring ahead. It wasn't a kiss, it was a claim.

“You’re gonna be fine, princess.” The nickname turned heads around.

Dina put on a pair of gloves, disinfected her entire arm. Norm had the holopad ready.

“Jake, you have to let me see how dilated you are. I'm not going to look at anything, I'm just going to feel, okay?”

"All right." He replied shyly, spreading his legs slightly.

Norm didn't check vitals, he checked Jake's body first. He found the wound behind his ear first, then he kept frowning more with each scar found, lightly tracing his fingers over them in acknowledgment. He typed away on the holopad. He froze when he noticed Jake's right hand. Meanwhile, Dina had her hand up his cunt all the way in to her elbow, poking him, the contractions making it worse. She suddenly cursed, pulling her hand out, yanking the holopad from Norm.

"We have to get there as quickly as possible. He has placenta privia. Tell Max to get a place for a c-section ready!”

"What does that mean?" Jake asked in a raspy voice.

"Have you ever felt pain before like you do now?"

"Yes, sometimes."

"Those were pre-contractions. Your placenta is much lower than normal, covering part of your cervix. Any strong physical effort could've triggered the birth. You’re lucky you got this far."

"Could we have prevented this?" Miles' voice meant to sound harsh, but Jake recognized the slight tremor in his words. It took Dina a while to respond. She avoided looking at Miles.

"No. It's genetic."

The rest of the flight was surprisingly conflict-free, probably because everyone avoided talking except for health questions. But those weren't too sporadic either. Norm and Dina let the equipment do most of the talking. At one point, they tried to pry him from Miles' arms, but the battle was quickly lost as Jake panicked, whimpered and clutched onto Miles’ middle. Jake was aware that there was a hidden language between Norm and Dina. They didn't push buttons, but they threw baits and let them go, looking for reactions. Dina wrote things down in a notebook. Norm was trying to keep his eyes on the holopad, but he was always looking up at Miles, observing, judging, planning something.

Lo'ak and Neytiri didn't seem like they were part of the same movie. His son whispered in his mother's ear the whole way. And like Norm, Lo'ak held Miles captive with his gaze. Something after that kiss had changed in his lifeless gaze, replaced by a certain type of anger. It was a look Jake recognized because he had seen it many times before in the mirror. 

It pained him to admit that Lo'ak was right, Neytiri wasn't well. She looked as carved in stone, her big glassy eyes lost in the landscape outside, the corner of her mouth crooked in what was supposed to be a smile. Her ears were the only things that moved, a faint twitch, when Lo'ak began to speak to her. His son had to bring the oxygen mask to her mouth from time to time as she wouldn’t do it on her own. She looked small, frail, a child beside the child who was taking care of her. Jake felt crushed by two rocks. One wanted to stay as close to Miles as possible, to keep him safe. The second wanted to run into Neytiri's arms and resume the role he had left behind, of a husband, a protector.

The longer he stared at her, the more agitated Miles became. He turned Jake more towards him, blaming it on his numb legs, played with his hair pulling at a few tangled strands. Anything to keep his focus away from her.

The reality of facing the outside world hit him as he realized they had already reached High Camp, the Samson slipping through the crack in the rock entrance. Fear took over, along with uncontrollable heartbeats, sweaty palms, a feeling of vomiting. He swallowed the lump in his throat. Children could be heard from outside, Na'vi and avatars, probably all curious about the return of the aircraft. But Jake didn't know how to make himself smaller, how to hide under Miles' skin and veins.

“Jake, buddy, we gotta go. It’s gonna be alright.” But it wasn’t. There were all his dark scenarios crashing into reality at once. “Dina, he’s hyperventilating. Can you give him something? You’re gonna be fine, Jake.”

“I’ve got him.” Miles cut in, pulling his kuru over the shoulder.

“Norm, I’m naked. They can’t see me like this! I can’t go out. I-“

“It’s alright! I’ll go find you a blanket, but we need to move fast Jake.” Norm was gone in a blink of an eye, but just as fast, electricity ran through his veins, a soft voice overflowed his thoughts, taking reins. He calmed down instantly. 

“Stop doing that to him!” Lo’ak screamed, but stood in the same place. “Stop controlling my dad!” A challenge in his eyes. Dina covered half the view, waiving her hands, her dark curls swaying as she moved.

“Kid, get your mom out of here! Family brawl can happen later.” Gaze held. Piercing golden flames. Comets destroying comets. Jake didn’t want to see that. If he were to lose Lo'ak from the already seemingly impossible battle, then they'd never have a chance to win against the odds.

“Haven’t you seen what he-“

“I saw.” Dina cut him off in a whisper, but Jake picked that up, and so did Miles through the bond. “Right now we need to focus on what’s best for your dad. We talked about this…” Did they? Lo'ak appeared to be retreating, the fire in his gaze fading.

“Right… I- I’ll just…” He grabbed Neytiri and hurried out, without looking back once. Norm returned with the promised blanket. The short wave of calmness that washed over him evaporated when Miles broke their bond, so they could wrap the blanket around. 

Some things were easier than others. To display yourself in front of the people for whom you were once a pillar, a leader, hope, turned suffocating, merciless, like a flaming arrow on a body made of gasoline. Everything was on fire, every look of astonishment, every gasp of shock, as Miles carried him in his arms among them, elbowing his way through the crowd gathered around. They were calling his name. They were touching his feet and hair to make sure he was real. He was real. It was all too real. Stop looking at me! It's just me. There’s nothing to see. Don't look anymore!

Out of nowhere, someone pulled hard on the blanket, pulling it down enough that his belly was clearly visible to those close to him. A child's scream silenced the crowd. Tuk. His little ray of sunshine. But her image broke something in his soul. Tears streamed down her face, her gaze fixed on his round belly. She screamed again as he held out his right hand to soothe her.

"That’s not my dad!" Lo’ak caught her from behind right as she was about to run away. 

“It’s my fault. I tried to keep her away. Tuk, relax! It’s dad! It’s Jake! Come on, get closer.”

“No! No!” She trashed in her brother’s arms, freeing herself, running in the opposite direction. Lo’ak ran after her.

They resumed their walk through the crowd at Dina's direction. She was taking them to the Avatar Med-Bay. It all seemed too familiar, like so many years ago when soldiers carried him in their arms hoping to save him. But that was war and bullets. Here it was just him and the baby and the people who wanted him well. It's just a birth. A cut. You've been cut before. The child is all that matters.

Miles lowered him on a table and that’s when the bomb finally diffused.

The blanket and jacket were gone. Wires and needles touched him. Skin pricked by foreign hands. Monitors beeping. He didn’t let go of Miles’ hand, and thankfully, they didn’t try to separate them. He wouldn't have lasted without Miles. He barely registered what was being said around him. Dina was angry for some reason. Norm rummaged through the cabinets. He spotted Max at one point, rushing to put on gloves.

“-around here? It’s just us?”

“They left with the war party, Dina.”

“Shit! Norm, I need you as my second hand. Jake, we're going to give you a local anesthetic. You won't feel anything.“ 

They turned him on his side. T-shirt up. Fingers on his spine. He dug his nails into Miles' palm. A slight discomfort for a second, then nothing. The pain of the contractions was also disappearing.

A chill crept through his veins, gradually, his muscles froze in place. He couldn’t move his legs. Then the panic started. He no longer felt the coldness of the metal of the table. Senses gone, like his legs weren’t there. His thoughts took him far away, to a memory of Miles that had accidentally woven itself into his mind one night. He seemed to have re-entered it, where the voices of the recoms were deafening, chattering about ways to hold him captive, to break his wings. Words slipped so easily from their filthy mouths, of ways for them to break his spine, crush his bones, whether with fists, a hammer, or even a bullet. It seemed to be an appropriate punishment, an easy safety measure with a long term security. "He'll crawl on his elbows. Think how easy it'd be to fuck him like that. You don't even have to dodge a blow." The laughter of hyenas. It was happening. They would keep him like this, immobile, away from Miles, dependent on them.

“Miles, I can’t-…my legs.” He let out a sob. “Don’t let them take away my legs!”

“I’m with you, alright? It’s just the anesthesia. You’re fine, little soul. You're fine.”

“Dina, have you seen this?” Max brought the holopad near her face. Brown eyes darting over data, numbers, words in bold red letters. She looked back at Jake, numbness all over her face. 

“It’s his choice, not ours.”

A fight erupted in front of him, buy yet again the words lost their meaning. He kept staring at the ceiling. A maze of lights, old winding pipes wondering what was inside them. A desert of grays over which glowed phosphorescent bluish light. An abyss. “…-can get septicemia.” Swirls of dots blazed past the grays, pipes turned into mass. “…-safer to just get everything out... ovaries, womb-” He didn’t know he could do that. Focus. Out of focus. Swirls. Focus. Out of focus. “…-ask him? He can’t even-... let him go through this ever again!“ It got him dizzy. He couldn’t wait to show this to Miles through the bond. 

“-you won’t fucking do that! You’re blaming me when all of you are a bunch of psychopaths! You take anything out, Spellman, and I’ll take your guts out through your fucking mouth!”

Jake looked down. Norm was hovering a scalpel above his hip bone. Max was all red in the face, clenched fists at his side. Miles shook him by the shoulder, his burning comets worried.

“Love, I have to ask you a very serious question, ok? I need you to listen carefully. Do you want us to have any more children in the future?”

“Of course I do!” He answered without even thinking. “You know I do.” Miles squeezed his hand.

“Speak louder for your friends.”

“I do!”

“There. You got your answer.”

One glistening tear slid down Dina’s face, shimmers of light reflecting from her skin onto the mask. 

“Let’s get this over then.”

The tip of the scalpel disappeared behind his belly. Sweet smell of iron all around. He could taste it. He could’ve sank his fangs into it.

“How ‘bout you keep your eyes on me, kitten. Hm?” Miles brushed his thumb over Jake’s knuckles. He left a small kiss on the back of his hand.

“Can we make tsaheylu?… Norm, can we?” A look between Norm and Max. Max was too close, drops of blood splashed on his glasses.

“You can do whatever makes you comfortable, Jake.” Max answered calmly, showing him a small reassuring smile.

“I need gauze. Norm, take more underneath this muscle. Careful. Steady hand.”

Electrifying shivers. Shared thoughts. Miles was scared. Jake chuckled, lost in gold. He could've looked at Miles for hours without getting bored. The florescent light lit his comets even brighter, burning so pleasantly and soothingly.

"Tell me, when you think of me what color do you see, love?"

“Tough question, princess. Mmm… maybe green.” More laughter from Jake. He hid his face with their intertwined hands, biting his lip. He saw the woods of Pandora, the woods of Kansas, military uniforms, himself in a green jumper stolen from Tommy, Miles undressing him on a bed of green leaves.

"And when you think of yourself?"

"Red." Jake saw a strawberry cake and lit candles, three reddish scars, drops of blood from a tattoo machine, himself covering Miles in red paint, in Na'vi markings. They both laughed, overcome with serenity.

"And when you think of us?"

"I don't know… yellow, a little bit of gold." He saw a vessel of bluish marble with golden filled cracks, a ring whose words erased by time from within he understood for the first time; 'more than my own life', the sun, the stars, so many stars without beginning and end.

He pulled Miles closer, the machines beeping louder, the background image morphing into heavy steam.

"No one loves me like you do, Miles."

A tiny whimper broke their fragile soap bubble. Dina held a small, slime-covered body in her arms, strings of blood clinging to his dark blue skin. His little hands and feet were purple. Cyan constellation. Another whimper and Jake's soul filled with joy. Their little boy lived. Dina cut the umbilical cord, cleaned his air ways. He looked a bit bigger than the size of a human newborn in her arms. Norm took him from Dina and placed him on Jake's chest.

“Hey there, little one! Hey! We’re so happy you’re here.” Miles pressed their forehead together, fighting to held back tears, his hand hovering over the baby, afraid to touch him, to not hurt him. Jake felt so overwhelmed by both of their feelings. It felt like their kurus we’re on fire. Life made sense. Whatever dark void was left on his soul from his lost, it vanished away by just looking at the new life. Heart upon heart.

“What’s his name, Jake? Do you have one?” Max asked, ready to type away on the holopad.

“Elyn. Elyn te Suli Tsyeyk’itan.”

But something was wrong. The baby stopped moving, his head rolled back, tiny mouth open. Norm immediately ripped it off his chest.

"He's not breathing. We need to get him to the biolab immediately. Max, did you oxygenate the room?"

"Everything’s ready."

"Not so fast!" Volcanic eruption from Miles. Consuming sparks from his gaze. He was barely holding Jake's hand. "You don't take the child anywhere without my knowledge!"

"If he stays here, he dies." Norm snapped, already one foot over the threshold. Miles took a step forward.

"Miles, no!" Jake begged, digging his nails in deeper. "You can't leave me!"

"I can't- I can't leave my son with them. They’ll surely do something to him. They’ll-” Miles pulled out of his grip, tsaheylu cut off suddenly and painfully. Two detached hands. Two separate souls.

“Miles, no, please! Miles, come back! Don’t go! Don’t-“ hiccups and bitter tears. "-leave me. Come back..." I’ll lose him. I’ll lose them both.

“Jake! Jake, you have to calm down. We’re not finished here! Jake!”

“Dina, I- I can’t! God! I can’t breathe!” 

“I’ll give you something to help you, ok? You have to lay dawn and try to stay calm. Everyone will be fine! Your baby will be fine! The first 24 hours are most crucial, but I’m not worried. Only six months and he came out kicking. Alright? He’ll be fine.” She threw away the bloody gloves, rushing to the cabinets. “Do you want an anodyne or to take a nap? It's going to take a while to get your placenta out.”

“My placenta? Doesn’t it …come out on …itself?” He could barely breathe, lungs burning, hands tingling.

“I have to do a curettage. Your placenta is stuck inside the uterine wall. If I don't remove it, a lot of bad things can happen." He couldn't be there, keep his eyes open, think. He could already see Miles, dismembered, shot, thrown into a pit somewhere.

“I want to sleep.” He whispered. Translucent liquid flowing through a tube to his veins. Dina had used a human syringe. It was a small dose. He wanted her to use all the vials. Eternal sleep. “Dina, please! Please, don’t hurt Miles! He’s my mate! Please!” 

“We’re not like him.” 

That was all he heard before he fell into darkness.

—

He awoke from gentle pats on his arm. The light in the room blinded him, too strong, too white, artificial. He rubbed at his eyes, chasing away the sweet drowsiness. His muscles ached. He was warm. The room spun around him as he rose higher.

“Miles? I need you."

Jake found not one pair of golden eyes near him, but several. He was surrounded. Neytiri and Kiri were sitting on a bed next to him, their faces slightly puffy from crying. Kiri held his songcord to her chest. At the head of the bed were Lo'ak and Spider, both worried. Norm, Max and Dina were to his right. They all looked exhausted, deep dark circles on their faces. But Jake's gaze never stopped searching, over and over, all the way down the room.

"Where's Miles?"

"How are you feeling, Jake?" It was Norm who asked, the only one closest to him. Suddenly, they all looked scared, avoiding his gaze. A question. He asked me something. How do I feel... no one has asked me that in a very long time. It didn't seem right. He had no time for nonsense. He needed to know what was really important.

"Where's Miles?" Jake repeated. A cream blanket covered him from the belly down. He was still wearing the T-shirt he had gotten there in, the blood stains left by the child dried but still visible. "Where’s my baby?" Nobody was saying anything. Norm took a deep breath, tightening his mask over his face. A dry cough. His little palm on Jake's knee.

"The child is fine. We stabilized him. We'll have to keep him in an incubator until he's stronger….”

"I want to see them!" Had he screamed? Maybe he had. It was hard to say. He still felt disoriented.

“Dad…” Kiri and Lo'ak both tried to intervene, but Norm stopped them.

"I know, my friend. That time will come, but right now, we have to do everything we can to make sure you're okay. We're gonna take it slow." There was something about Norm's words, the way he said them, that made Jake have doubts. He brought his hand to his forehead, a vein throbbing at his temple. Then he saw it, a piece of plastic around his wrist, gray, thick, a number stuck on it. It sat perfectly over the scars, over where the handcuffs had scarred his skin. Too familiar, too identical.

"Take this thing off! Take it off!”

"Alright, Jake. Calm down! Lo'ak, can you..." The bracelet immediately disappeared, left unfastened on the bedside table next to him. "It's just for security. We've changed a few things in the system, to make this place safer for everyone. With the wristband code you have access to any room." But his brain saw the situation differently. It's not security, it's control. It's monitoring. They don't trust you. You can’t have that.

“I’m sorry! It’s just-… this past week was a lot. I’m-… I’m fine. I feel fine.” Dina shifted closer.

“You want to talk about it?” Rescue hatch. Opportunity to make things right. But he didn't feel ready, not with everyone looking at him with pity, not with the kids there, not without Miles.

“I-… Can I have some water?” 

His mind was playing tricks on him. The room seemed to be gradually shrinking, no windows, no exits. The bed, the sheets, the blanket, suffocated him like a dead man in a coffin. He had a cannula in his arm connected to an IV. If he really focused, he could hear a faint sound of rain, he could smell soil mixed with honey. Too much past shoved forward all too soon. 

“We’re all glad you’re back safe, dad.” Kiri’s voice cracked. All of them nodded in agreement. 

It was Spider who brought him water, in a plain, white mug that changed before his eyes into something else. He smashed it to the ground, water and broken pieces scattered everywhere. Kiri winced in pain. A piece cut her foot.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, babygirl! I’m sorry!” He almost jumped from the bed. Lo’ak and Neytiri hold him back.

“It’s ok, dad. It was an accident.” But she got up and left, helped by Spider to keep pressure on the wound. She hates me. They all hate me. They look at me like I’m the enemy.

“Lay back down, MaJake.”

"It's too much. I’m sorry. I… can’t. I-"

"Lo'ak, go after your sister. I need to talk to your father.” Lo'ak was out of there just as quickly. He wanted to leave. He didn't want to be here. They loathe me... I scared Tuk. Neytiri bent down to pick up the shards. Max jumped to help her.

“I’m sorry, baby! I’m so sorry!” He didn't know what he was apologizing for. For everything in a certain way. For the present, for the past. She picked up a shard and sat on the bed beside him, her hand over his heart. 

"That's how I looked too, ma muntxatan. It hurt." Wrong word, my love. You're not mine anymore.

"I'm sorry! You were like this because of me.”

“No, MaJake, it was the Great Mother’s will. It opened my heart. There was so much pain inside.” He took her hand in his. He would’ve ripped his heart out and give it to her. “She spoke to me. She showed me the great joy that would come into my life. It made me look forward for another day.” 

“He’s innocent, Net. He’s just a baby boy.”

She looked up, closing her eyes, smiling. Her giggle toned down the tension in the room. She stayed like that for a few more seconds, lost somewhere.

“I know. I cannot hate a child… I asked Spider for his forgiveness, for what I did. He helped us so much.” She turned towards him, her palm still resting over his heart. “I can’t wait to hold the child, to teach him our ways.” Her eyes burned, mystifying fires, but her comets were softer. “But you need to let them help you, like they did me.” That again, that constant reminder floating around in every word they spoke, that he needed help, that he needed to be fixed. There was nothing wrong with him. He was fine. He was more than fine. He needed Miles. That was all. Why couldn’t they see that?

“Baby, are you-… Do you hate me for…not being yours anymore?” Norm, Dina and Max suddenly turned away from them, all too preoccupied with holopads.

“You are still ma muntxatan. Nothing changes that. I still feel you.” She kissed his forehead, her touch so soft on his skin. 

"But can you forgive me? We're in this because of me... I failed you."

"I know you, MaJake... I know you gave everything for our little fortress."

"Net... I betrayed you, I did things in the beginning out of fear, things of shame, I-" She cupped his face.

"I forgive whatever you think you did wrong. There's only love for you in my heart."

“What… what about Miles? Do you-“ Lips against his. Roses covering his scent, mixing with the faint remnant of honey. Euphoria in a small bottle. 

“Whatever makes you happy makes me happy too. I’ll walk whatever path you choose.” One more touch and then she got up. “I’ll let you with your friends, but call for me anytime… It gives me such strength to see you back with us.” She left, but there was light behind her. I still have her. It’s a start. It’s more than I wished for.

Norm and Max turned their attention back to him. Dina took out a notebook and a pen, hastily jotting down something. He wanted them to get up and leave too. He would have wanted only one person by his side.

“Now buddy… you want us to help you change? I can get you another shirt, or you can ditch it altogether and get you another blanket. Or whatever you want, Jake.”

"Do you hate me?" The tears came again. After all that stress he still found room for them.

“Jake, of course not. Why would we do such a thing?”

"Then..." Warm drops, drops of weakness. “Then fucking hate me! Hate me for falling in love with Miles, but don’t hate Elyn! He has no fault in this.” Saying it out loud, that word that he feared all his life.

“Jake, no one is hatting-“

“You do! Norm, I remember how you spoke to me over the comms…”

Norm came closer, dragging the chair near the bed. 

“Imagine being us, getting the scare of your life when Spider busted open into the biolab. He babbled, out of breath, that Miles Quaritch wants to speak with me about you. Our only priority after that was you. Nothing else.”

“Yeah, but now it has to change, Norm. It has too! And- and I want to see him, I want to see my son.”

Max shifted in place, looking back and forth between the bed and the door.

“We can bring him to you whenever you want, but incubated. He’s a premature baby. We need to handle him according to his limits.” 

But Jake wanted him right now, back in his belly, where he could keep him safe and loved, where he could feel him. He ran his hand over his flat stomach. It had gone by too quickly.

“Elyn came into my life when I needed him, from both me and the man that has become my mate under Eywa’s eye.”

“No one is denying that, buddy.”

“But you all-…”

“How about you rest a little? There’s plenty of time for us to talk.” Jake laughed. 

“You want me to rest… I can’t do that without him. He’s my comfort. He keeps me afloat. We make tsaheylu so many times a day… We fell asleep like that.”

“You fell asleep doing tsaheylu?!” He could hear the tip of Dina's pen scratching the page. He wanted to rip it off her hands and shove it down her throat. No, it’s Dina. What the fuck are you thinking?

“It’s…it’s wonderful! And- and we can see each others dreams. I never felt more rested.” Dina kept writing, and writing, and writing.

“Jake, that’s…” Norm got up, his back turned as he sighed. He did his little fidget thing, back and forth on his heels. “You…ahm, you need to take it easy. You let your body rest, and you let your mind do the same. Sometimes our brain needs a breather too.”

“Norm, I-…”

“Then, we’ll see about anything else. Maybe you can tell us what happened- but that’s not-… Don’t feel like you have to. We’ll be here if and when you’re ready.” There was more on all of their minds, he could tell. Max was too quiet and withdrawn. Dina kept blasting his ears with that pen. “There’s cameras on the left side. They track audio too. You need anything, or anyone, you speak a little louder and we’ll get to you in a second. There’s a bathroom down to the left. You have-“

“Where’s Miles right now? Can I at least know that?” Please please please just let me know he’s alive

“He’s with the baby. He hasn’t left his side since we brought him there.”

“When can I see him?” Wrong question. You know it. You fucking know it but you just can’t-

“Jake…”

“I think he and I need to have one last conversation for the day, boys.” Dina walked past them, sitting in the chair where Norm sat. She pulled herself even closer to Jake, not so much that he felt suffocated, but enough that he couldn't avoid her gaze. Her pen was finally closed and put aside in her coat pocket. Norm and Max gave him another brief smile and exited through the same door as his family.

“Listen, right now I’m not you’re friend, I’m your doctor. So everything I say from this point forward comes from concerns, facts and observations.” She waited for a response, he gave her nothing. “Norm and Max talk to you through their filter, I get that, but some things are better said bluntly. ” Another pause, the same silence. He gripped the blanket, pulling it higher. He could still smell Neytiri’s scent on it.

“Let’s get the facts out of the way… You almost died. I worked on you for three hours. Your new ‘hubby’ was cooperative enough to land us some of his blood without much of a fuss. Max might’ve been a little too happy to stick a needle in him…” She tried to squeeze in a laugh, he barely stopped himself from bashing his own head against the wall. “That being said, bed rest is not a recommendation, it’s doctor’s orders, soldier.”

He's hurt too. He’s alone. Did they give him something to eat? How much time has passed? What if he gets sick and everyone ignores him?

“What happened to you Jake was traumatic.” Do they know? Did Miles said anything already? “At the end of the day it was a miscarriage, with a happy outcome, yes, but still… You need to help your child, be there for him, and all of the others, cuz in case you’ve forgotten he’s not the only one.” She let that one simmer. It did. It torn him apart. Why can’t I just love all of them? What’s so fucking wrong with that? What? “For that, you need to heal…and, from today, you’ll also need this.” Dina took out a device from a drawer of the bedside table, and placed it right next to the gray bracelet. 

“What’s this?”

“Breast pump. It’s gonna be your best friend for the next weeks until the baby will be able to eat. Don’t give me that look! You want me to recite the whole list of side effects of interrupted breastfeeding?”

“No, ma’am.” She had that power, to intimidate a whole room of people with her posture and a few words. Miles would've liked her if he had tried to get to know her. Her curly hair swayed with every exaggerated gesture she made. The light cast blueish shadows on her olive skin, the tattoo on her collarbone glowing, catching his eye. 'Save. Pray. Love.'

“Also, you’re still gonna bleed for a while. You have a tampon in right now. I’ll have to change those regularly.”

“I can do that. I have hands.”

“Not with those nails and bacteria under them… I’ll change the bandages too. You’ll heal fast if you do what I say.” All of a sudden, he became aware of the nakedness under the blanket.

“Can I get a pair of pants?”

“You can, but you’ll slow down the healing process. All that material tugging and rubbing...the effort on your lower muscles to bend and get your tail in and out of them…”

“Fine! The blanket’s good.” Dina put the chair back. She took out her notebook and pen again. The beat of the plastic over the bed. The shack. Wainfleet and his lighter beaten against the table’s surface.

“Now, for the big blue elephant in the other room… I won’t ask you to say or admit anything. None of us will. But I think you can understand why we're reserved in letting you two back in the same room. One look at you paints quite the picture.”

“He won’t attack. He won’t harm me. He changed. We're mated.”

“Did any of us said that?”

“You’re all thinking it.” Scribbles. The smell of ink. Her veins popping from under her skin as she wrote. Tiny, fragile bug that he could just crush under his fingers. 

“How about you show us that change starting with you. Show us that you can put some distance between you and him, that you’re not so co-dependent of each other, and then Qu- Miles can come see you. What do you say?” This isn’t how things were supposed to happen. Miles was right. It's a losing battle, but I'm not giving up. Whatever it takes.

“I think now’s the time you give me the fancy medical term for my sickness, doc…” She snorted, pen in the air.

“You underwent an emergency C-section, a-“

“Dina… You promised bluntness.” She opened her mouth but quickly turned her head to the side, biting her lip. 

“I think you already know the answer.” It came as fast as it went, a tiny glimmer in the corner of her eyes. Maybe it was the reflection of the light. “See you after lunch. Get some sleep.”

—

The days slowly passed, with mornings where he swallowed pills and watched the contents of syringes empty into his veins. Dina came every four hours to change those tampons and bandages. They argued with him to eat more, but he couldn’t. Everything tasted like ash. When he managed to get out of bed, he added to the monotonous routine the hiding in the bathroom, where he spent good  hours using the pump, watching sorrowfully the milk that should have fed his baby flowing down the drain.

He missed his round belly. He stared in disgust at the stitched cut from one hipbone to the other, often wanting to rip the stitches out. See what happens when you steal someone else's life?

He mostly tried to do as he was told, listen to them, and not cause anyone more trouble. Max and Norm were alert to his every move. Dina was splitting in all directions, between the camp and the wounded avatars and him. But the three of them became the only faces he could see. He didn't ask to see his family, and they didn't come to visit him either, but maybe it was better that way. Max asked him every morning if he wanted to bring the baby, and every time he refused. He lived with the impression that the misfortune of his life would spread to the little one. So he preferred to wait.

Every night Jake promised himself that he would tell them, that in the morning he would call them all, sit them around him and tell them everything that had happened, from beginning to end. But a day passed, and another, and another, and he remained silent in his thoughts.

These were all little things that he could put to the back of his mind and ignore through the pain of the cut, the pain of the pump. But missing Miles was killing him inside, day by day, moment by moment.

From tsaheylu seven, eight times a day to zero, nothing. It was worse than when Miles had stopped him from hurting himself. He felt as if half of his being had been ripped out and buried miles away. Too much quiet, no safety net, no relief. He often sat watching his kuru under the blanket, discreetly tearing up away from the cameras. He imagined that if they told him he'd never see Miles again, he'd find a knife and cut it all off.

He couldn't sleep, waiting for hours to doze off, only to wake up at every noise or when Dina did it to give him the treatment. He had become irritable, yelling at them when they insisted that maybe he should go outside, get some fresh air. But he had gotten used to the setting. With the gray, metallic walls, with the bed and the bracelet, with new and old memories he had accepted and clung to. He had admitted one night that in a strange way, he really missed the past. He missed the shack more than he did the cave. That detail was to remain only for his mind.

He needed Miles, the webbing of his thoughts, his touch, warmth and safety, love. But he knew that asking about him or crying for him in front of them wouldn't bring him back. So he carefully refrained from mentioning his mate. He was playing a new role, he had built a new bubble of indifference.

That's how a week and a half passed. That was how his spirit relented in ten days, less than it had taken Miles. But he felt he couldn't do it anymore. They saw it too, but they didn't give in either. "Do you want to tell us something?" "Jake, we're here for you." "We were wondering if we could do a CT scan, maybe we can find out more about what happened to your bond." "Some wounds don't heal unless you give them the resources they need." Words, words, words against their relationship. Because apparently it was easier to find remedies and solutions than to listen and believe.

On the eleventh morning, a knock woke him from his so-called sleep, his heart pounding in his chest in anticipation. Norm and the others stopped knocking when they came to him. Lo'ak and Tuk appeared from behind the door, timidly, slowly. Tuk had clung to her brother's hip, hiding behind him, a golden eye staring tearfully at him.

"Are we interrupting?"

"No way. Come here!” He answered happily. But Tuk stopped, her tail flapping like a propeller.

"I saw him. Can I leave now?”

"Tuk...it's dad. Look, he just has shorter hair, a few extra scars like all the warriors-” But she froze, nails digging into Lo'ak's flesh, ready to run. "Tuk, you're ridiculous!" Lo'ak scooped her up, hurrying to the bed, but Jake knew it was going to end badly.

"Put me down! No!" She screamed at the top of her lungs and that cry reminded him of himself, green eyes and a rough hand. "He's not my dad!" Small claws in Lo'ak's shoulders, jabs in his ribs.

"Sit down!" He snapped at her, throwing her onto the bed at Jake's feet. Screams over screams. Lo'ak raised his hand in the air and Jake felt sick at the sight. He grabbed his wrist at the last moment.

"Let her go!" One last cry and bare feet scurrying for the exit. “Are you out of your mind, boy? Do you raise your hand at your sister?" Lo'ak collapsed on the bed beside him, face buried in his hands. A long, pained sigh.

"I don't know where it came from... I'm sorry, sir!" Lo'ak turned on his side, burying his head in his father's chest. He was breathing heavily. "I can't stand it anymore. She cries every night for you, but when I bring her here she screams that it's not you, that Quaritch replaced you with a demon and I…” A whimper. "I don't know what else to do."

Jake hugged him tightly. How much suffering could there be in a man before he succumbed for good?

"It's ok, son. It will be okay."

"I tried dad, trust me! But I can't be like you." Jake ran his fingers through the boy's hair and kissed the top of his head.

"I don't want you to be like me, I want you to be yourself. I-…I'm gonna get better and change things. We’ll be like before, we’ll even have extra help." He squeezed him tighter. Heart to heart. "I didn't get to thank you for the gift, so thank you very much, Lo'ak! You saved our lives.” Lo’ak didn't say anything. Their tails intertwined. "Did you-…um, did you get to see your baby brother?" Bubble burst.

Lo'ak untangled himself from his arms, wiped his face with his hand.

"I forgot. I promised mom I'd help her with lunch and Spider wants us to train today and…” Jake grabbed his wrist just before he escaped, but unlike Tuk, he dropped his shoulders and stayed put.

"It’s alright. Can you please tell Norm that I want to see Miles today?” Lo'ak gave a short nod and broke free from his grip. He was slowly losing them all. Sand through the neck of an hourglass. He was running out of time.

—

Just breathe! He’ll come. He’ll want to touch you, but you have to stay strong. He looked towards the cameras, two red dots flashing steadily. Eyes behind the screens. Give them what they want. Play their game so they'll leave you alone for once, trust you. Just breathe! Just breathe! Just breathe!

The door opened and Jake put on his old mask. Barefoot steps, a shadow, then his mate approaching with a smile on his face. He had braced himself for bruised eyes, cuts, signs of battle, but he saw nothing of the sort. He got lost in ebony swirls and comets, stardust, constellations. Miles was wearing a gray t-shirt and sweatpants. But Jake didn't expect to see the handcuffs, Miles’ hands tied tightly in front of him. A criminal treated according to his actions. Put them on me instead.

"My little soul!"

"Hi!" He replied sheepishly, bringing his knees up. A little shield for his true feelings.

" 'Hi'?! That's all I get?" Miles laughed. "They drug you up good, huh?" Nails embedded in the cream blanket. "Why are you standing there? Won't you come hug me?” Do the opposite! Do the opposite! When he didn't move, Miles moved closer.

"Where you are is good." Miles stopped in his tracks. He looked away from him. He wouldn't made it otherwise. He felt sick of himself.

"Princess... How about a kiss? I heard they heal you faster…" He kept his gaze away. "What's up with you?" Jake frowned. He was glad he had his tail under the blanket or Miles would’ve seen how agitated he was.

“I'm still sick, Miles. I just wanted to see you.”

"You’re not even looking at me, love… Jake… Jake!" He winced, pulling the blanket up more. "Mm, I see. The bastards got into your head.”

"Don't call my friends that." he snapped, raising his voice slightly. Red sparks were about to follow. Jake knew it. But he didn’t know what else to say, how to handle this without giving the plan away. Miles stood in front of the bed.

“I was sure, boy!… So I can assume your ‘talk’ and ‘truth’ did wonders.”

“I didn’t get a chance to talk about what happened.“

“Ah, so you let them draw their own fucking conclusions... What did I fucking tell you is gonna happen? Ha?” He hit the bed frame hard. The handcuffs clinked upon the metal reminding Jake of the noise the door from the shack did every time it opened. “At least look at me when I’m talking to you.” Eyes glued to the blanket, on the fuzz that rose by his electrified hand. He kept rubbing the same spot over and over, thinking that maybe Miles will disappear if he didn’t pay him any attention. Yet, his mate stood in the same spot like a statue. “Jake, look at me!”

“Stop shouting.” He said calmly, raising his knees higher. “We can talk like two civilized adults… We don’t need to put on a show for the cameras on the left corners.” Miles took a quick glance towards the walls but Jake kicked the bed frame, grabbing his attention back.

“I’m losing this game, princess, and you ain’t helping a fucking bit…” Jake bit the inside of his check until he tasted iron.

“What do you want me to do, Miles?” 

“What do I?!-…” Nails scrapping at the frame.

Miles leaned over the bed frame, his fingers inches away from Jake’s feet. Jake wanted to be touched, to be held back in those strong arms, yet he had to keep it together, to show off refrain.

“For starters, you can get your ass up from there. I know you’re better. I know the wound is healing, that you’re eating and walking around… You abandoned Elyn.” If words could’ve sliced open hearts, Jake’s would’ve been nothing more but little pieces of dead meat. “I’m with him 24/7, living besides that damn incubator. When they pulled him out of you, they had to let Patel wire him up, cuz Spellman's avatar was too big to handle him. I watched him sticking needles in those tiny arms and legs of his. A machine helps him breath and they put this tape over a breathing tube that covers half his face…” He choked on the last words. “And that’s the thing, right? I’m there, by myself. He knows it, even though he still hadn’t opened his eyes. When I’m near, he reaches out his hand and I let him grab my finger…” Jake wanted to disintegrate into thin air, for the ground to open up and swallow him. “But the shitty part is that he keeps reaching with the other. And there’s no one to grab from the other side.” He wondered how long would it take him to suffocate under that fucking blanket, for his body to do something and jolt him out to seek air. Suffocation felt right as he wouldn’t make a mess for anyone to clean up. His missing reaction caused Miles to grab at his ankles, pulling his knees lower.

“How ‘bout me then, princess? You threw me in the lions’ den and just left me deal with all their crap. They act like I have some fucking device to control you. What do you do to prove them wrong? You keep your distance like you’re afraid of me.”

“I’m doing the logical thing here.”

“Are you? Cuz it ain’t looking logical to me, princess.”

“Stop fucking calling me that!” Miles backed away for a second, sighing deeply. He approached Jake’s side, one step at the time, and Jake fight himself to stand still, to keep his focus on the blanket. Miles sat beside him, reaching his cuffed hands to Jake’s face, cupping it.

“What game are you playing, sweetheart?” Jake melted into the touch, but he kept looking away, lip quivering, the monitor beeping like crazy. “Don’t shut me out. You know how much I love you, Jake… Kiss me!” But he didn’t move. All he could do was shiver. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t betray me again. Not like this, not when we have Elyn and this love, this-...” He wanted to die right there and then.“…Come on, kiss me. I know you want to.” Fingers dug into the flesh of his neck, pulling him forward. Their lips met, honey scent invading his mind. He kissed back hungrily, taking control, dominating, but he didn’t touch Miles. His hands clasped the blanket until knuckles turned a lighter shade. 

When he pulled back, a string of saliva connected their lips and both of them froze in time as to not break it. The comets were burning as fiercely as the flames inside his soul. He needed Miles to put them out. Yet, he turned his head, wiping his mouth.

“Jake, tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

“…Hug me from your right.” He barely whispered. Arms wrapped around his back, closeness restored, his heart slowing down, but again, he kept his body limp with arms tucked in his lap. He snuggled a bit in the crook of Miles’ neck, marking himself with the sweet scent. He brushed his lips over his mate’s ear. “They can hear everything we’re saying.” He murmured. “We need to show we can put distance between us, that I’m not just some hostage in love with my captor. Not obsessed with you.” He pushed at Miles’ chest, breaking away from his heavenly touch. “I need you to make sure our kid is ok, alright? You can’t do that from here. I- I’ll come see him when I feel better.”

He saw anger again, that familiar painful one and he mentally prepared for the outburst. Miles ran his finger along his arm, stopping where the needle pierced the skin. He put pressure over it until pain took over. A darker color surrounded the area, vein busted like good old times.

“You could’ve said so from the beginning.” Disgust all over his face as he spit the words out.

That was Jake’s proof. Separated, they became destructive again. Dark thoughts engulfed his mind once more, while anger took over Miles reasoning and actions. Monsters to their own worlds. Monsters that will wipe out the world’s surface if kept apart long enough. He would’ve killed for Miles. Rifle, axe, bow, anything that could write a death sentence, signing their names in crimson letters over empty carcasses. Anything to never see anger again on his mate’s face.

There was tension in Miles’ muscles. The cuffs bit into his flesh like a blade into an overripe fruit. His touch lingered on Jake’s navel, right above the healing cut. 

“I was the one fighting for your womb, for the chance that Elyn would get another sibling. Your friends were ready to scoop everything out and leave you sterile.”

That’s all he said before he stormed out of the room. New family versus old one. New love versus the one he was used to. The man he truly loved versus the people he cared so much for. Choices. Picking one meant losing the other, but he felt like he already lost. He hoped no one else would come to check on him that day.  

Chapter Text

 I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. Over and over again like a prayer. As soon as Miles left he hid in the bathroom, puked his guts out and let his head drown in the sink. One, two, seven, twenty, forty four. Exhale. Breathe. Repeat. Once, twice, four times, until his lungs burned in the good kind of way, until water flowed down in his nostrils and he choked on it, adding to the burn. His mind hurt, his body hurt. He could still feel Miles’ lips on his. Why can’t I do one fucking thing right? Why?

He looked up, staring at the reflection of the mirror, right into his own eyes, in search of a person. There was something wrong with his own image. It was too clean, too healthy. Where were the wounds, bruises, cuts, claw marks? He looked for all his scars, tracing, reminiscing. It urged something in him, to pick at his skin with his nails above the stitches, to run his lip over his fangs. Uncertainties. Decisions. No! Miles would get upset. You would disappoint him.

He dried his hair off with a towel, tugged a little bit harsher at one of his few still intact braids. He looked like a mess. He tugged at his hair again, hating it. Undo them. No, Miles likes them. Nails at the roots. Rip one off. He got out of there before he could do anything regretful.

Pain was back on his mind. He felt like he deserved it and it wasn’t that hard to find reasons for craving it. His new mistakes followed his thoughts around, attached to what seem like a never ending chain. His baby could’ve died because of him. Most of his family hated or was afraid of him. His friend didn’t trust him. Miles was angry with him. What if I push him away? What if all his love falters and he just leaves? No! No! He can’t leave me too. He promised he won’t… Nothing’s stopping him. He can get Elyn and just run away from me, and I might never see them again. He could go back to Bridgehead. ‘Here’s the son of Jake fucking Sully. Let’s raise him in bloodbaths, train him every day and send him off to massacre everything that stands in his way.’ No he won’t! Fuck stop stop stop

The bed felt colder and unwelcoming. His fists kept clenching and unclenching, almost dug into meat, almost punching bones, almost wrapping around the skin of his neck. He looked around for something to help him, anything. His eyes fell on the roll of gauze left by Dina and the box of tampons.

The roll felt too light in his hand, breakable, but it was his only option. He didn’t think Norm or the others would be too happy to see him use the cables from the monitors, so gauze had to do the job. He unrolled a little bit of it, feeling it under his touch. Eyes closed, imagination set free and he pretended it was thicker, that is smelled like soil and greenery. It’s a root. Prayer. He wrapped it twice around his ankles and waited. You can’t hurt yourself. You promised him you’ll be good. So stay put. Be his good boy. It wasn’t enough. His fingers still ached to hit and pull. He undid it, took a deep breath and closed his eyes again. They’re not roots, they’re shackles. Prayer. He tied his right wrist to his ankle, wrapped around enough gauze to make it feel somewhat secure, and then he tied his ankles together. He stayed like that, crouched with his chest over his knees and pretended that he was on a different kind of mattress, in a different kind of metal box, with metal biting into his skin, keeping him in place. He thought of blue hands holding him dawn, grounding him, taking away control. His mind wandered some more, faking a small soap bubble.

There was cum on his tongue, sticking to the roof of his mouth. It slid down his throat. Pretend. He stuck a finger in his mouth. “I don’t want to…” he murmured. Mouth pried open, finger pulling down on his bottom teeth, the tip resting on his tongue. He put pressure on the cuff, but his other hand stayed tied in place. I can’t escape. More cum in his mouth, sweet sherbet flowing on his taste buds. He swallowed it all.

Fingers running down his chest, past his belly, past a healing wound, until it reached his cunt. Light tap over his clit, but it felt numb. He took in a deep breath and pushed two fingers inside. It burned. He took out the soaked tampon and threw it to the side, than he clumsily reached over to get a new one. Tip at the entrance, nudging his tight little cunt. It’s not my hand. It’s not my hand. “Miles, please, don’t.” He begged in a barely there whisper. Tiny whimper as he pushed it in, bit by bit, until it couldn’t go any further. He kept his finger in for a few more minutes. It did the trick, it stopped his mind from craving more. 

It distracted him enough to not be able to hear the footsteps approaching. And when he did, it was too late. Dina was already near the bed, looking between the tampon on the floor and his tied feet and hand, arms crossed, deep frown on her face.

“It’s not what it looks like.” He managed to say as he hurried to get himself free.

“I would know what it is if you’d talk with us…but you don’t. Is this how he kept-“

“It’s not!” He fell on his back, hiding his face in the pillow. “It’s about pain and- and childhood, but not like it fucking-… It’s not about him!”

“I got nothing from that, Jake.” She moved to the side.  “What would Tom-“ He couldn’t hear anything else after that name. How the fuck dares she? Who is she? You don’t get to talk about my brother you fucking-

“…fucking bitch!” Words let out loud to hit. Dina baked away, clearly shaken by his rage. “Just because you think you have some fucking privilege cuz you were his first and last girlfriend doesn’t mean shit to me! You don’t know us! You don’t know what we’ve been through! You don't know what I've been through, what I had to do to get here... The only person that does can’t fucking help me anymore!” He was out of breath, rage still coursing through his veins. Dina was fighting back tears. There was a tremor in her body. “How many days do I have to do this on my own? How many?” He yelled.

“You choose to do this alone, Jake.” She whispered. Jake wished nothing more than to scream back everything he was holding inside his souls, to smash the heavy boulder off his heart for being held away from the man he cared so much for. A bird in a cage.

“I’ll show you choice… You’ll fucking see!… Get out! Leave me the fuck alone!” And by a miracle, she left.

—

Jake tried to regret what he had done but that feeling faded more and more with each passing day. Day after day with the same routine and monotony, with loneliness and suffering. Dina changed after the incident. She only came to do her job, to quickly change the tampons, disinfect the wound, sometimes to take a little blood for analysis and that was all. She remained silent and withdrawn. It had been her fault. She had insisted, she had said the wrong thing.

Jake remembered Dina from so many years ago, the one who had stood like a statue when she first saw him in the base, almost calling him by his brother's name. At that time she didn’t insist on getting involved in his life, she kept away from him. He figured it was probably hard for her to keep looking at the face of a dead man. Then it was Norm who showed him an unknown side of Tommy, telling him about how Tommy was already with Dina when he entered their group. How, after a while, they befriended Max and how well the four of them got along. Apparently Tommy talked a lot about him, his troublesome little brother, but his stories only revolved around Jake and that made them question things for themselves, but they never asked more. Only after Home Tree did Dina find enough strength to talk about Tommy, and again, Jake heard a new version, an unknown nugget of perception of who Tommy had been. They were together since Tommy got accepted in the program. She was supposed to have her own avatar, to get on the field if and when needed, but hers was one of the very first batches and it died early on. Tommy was going to introduce her to Jake. But Jake understood his brother and his fear of talking about such a new important person. They were both afraid of losing again why they loved most and yet, it still came a bit as a shock.

Wasn't that another quirk of life? They knew a version of Tommy that Jake had never met. And now the same thing was happening. Jake was the only one who had known Miles in a form unseen by other eyes and vice versa. Miles held in the palm of his hand all Jake's versions, the child scarred by tragedy, the orphan, the rebellious teenager in search of a purpose, the young adult ready to take on the world, the marine, the leader, the father.

But now, no one was trying to get to know anyone. They were all so shallow, so locked into their ideas and preconceptions about Miles. What he told Dina about the choice was true, because he chose. Maybe it wasn't his best idea, but when were his ideas good?

He stopped talking to them any longer than necessary. Every morning Norm and Max bombarded him with the same three questions. "Do you want to see the baby today?" "No." "Do you want to talk about what happened?" "No." "Will you let us do a brain scan?" "No." That followed by their attempts to make small talk, but he ignored everything they said, lying on the bed with his back to them, hiding his face in the blanket.

He felt like his mind was going to explode. He needed the bond so badly. His kuru often burned, he trembled with the desire to feel the connection again. It was destroying him so much that he felt physically sick, as if his whole body was giving out on him.

He stopped eating what little he used to eat. He had survived before on cups of cum and fruits, now he could survive on one meal a day. They didn't comment or insist on it, probably out of fear of making him feel forced again, but of course it didn't make them happy. After lunchtime, a new IV bag came out and he didn't have to be a genius to know what was in it. Jake got creative. He took the bin where Dina was throwing the dirty dressings and threw up a few times in it, the perfect reason to keep it next to the bed at all times. When they left the room all he had to do was hide his arm under the blanket, remove the tube head and let the bag empty into the bin. It worked a few times until Norm realized what he was doing and suddenly there was collective panic erupting around him.

The first time they tried to bribe him. They brought back his jacket, along with the soncord in the pocket. He was glad to have it back, but it had been washed, stripped of the smell of honey, useless. He only asked them to give Miles back his songcord.

The second time they tried to scare him. He woke up one morning with Norm buzzing around him like a bee, talking faster than he'd ever heard him.

"Every hour in that bed affects you. Even when you arrived you weren't in the best physical condition. All your muscles will atrophy. You can form blood clots…” And the list went on. He ignored everything. He didn't even know how long he had been in that place.

They all gave in one evening. They gathered around him like wolves. An intervention. Another battle they would lose.

“Jake, talk to us. Why are you doing this?"

“What am I doing wrong, Max? I only do what you all want. I heal and keep my distance from the cause of all evil. Isn't that what we agreed on?"

“Jake…”

"It's childish! You act like a toddler!" Dina had given up any filter. "What example are you setting for your children? We're all here to help you. But you don't let us, you resist, you fight with yourself. For how long, Jake?”

"I don't know. You tell me.” He didn't answer them after that. He remained staring at the ceiling, and after several painful minutes of silence they stormed out.

Jake thought he got away with it. Another small battle won. Minutes of silence. But he was taken by surprise when the door opened again. Spider was there.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah…” Jake untangled from the blanket, sat up straighter, checking quickly for everything ugly to be covered. He kept his hands underneath the blanket.

“I wanted to check on you. I saw Norm passing in a rage of curses and I don’t think I ever heard him talk like that.” Spider chuckled but immediately stopped himself when Jake turned his face away. “Anyway, I wanted to make sure you’re ok… I can leave if you don’t-“

“No!… No. You can stay.”

Chair dragged on the floor. A small thud. He saw Spider out of the corner of his eye noticing the untouched tray of food.

“Ahm…what’s going on out there?”

“You mean out there like outside in the camp or?…”

“How’s everyone?” Jake rectified. Spider took his time before he answered.

“Everyone is…we’re…missing you. I mean like, we’re excited for you to get out of this bed and ahm…” Are these Spider’s words? Jake tried to put on a fake smile but even that felt like moving mountains.

“I’m doing my best.” I’m fucking trying.

“You know, I…I came here for another reason actually.” Did they stoop so low as to make the children talk me out of- “ I spoke with d- Quaritch these past weeks.” Weeks? “It kinda happened cuz Kiri was curious about the baby and I didn’t want to leave her alone in the same room with him, which now that I think about it was stupid cuz everyone else was there but…” Breathe, kid. “Anyway, we ahm- we talked while Kiri did her thing. She likes to sing and talk to him. And I want you to know that…Quaritch told me.” Spider sank back in the chair, his shoulders slumped, eyes fixed on his own songcord.

“Told you what?” Drumbeats in his ears.

“About what happened all these months.”

“W-what do you mean?” He couldn’t feel his hands, cold shivers running down his spine. “Which one of them?”

“Since the beginning. Since that day. Look, I’m sure he left stuff out. He brushed off certain parts, said that some things were yours to share. But he told me everything about what he did.”

“When did he have the time?! So much happened and it’s-…” He couldn’t even imagine squeezing six months, maybe even a bit more than that into a few days, hours.

“Jake, you’ve been back for a month now. Trust me, we had plenty of time.” A month …Shit! Now he knows too and you’ll see how disgusted he’ll be. He’ll never even look at you again. So will the others. “Jake, I didn’t mean to upset you.” He rubbed his eyes trying to keep the tears away. He felt such an emptiness inside. He pushed through to ask the question. At least let yourself hear the words.

“What’d you made of it, Spider?”

“Honesty, I expected worse. Not that it wasn’t! But you know what I mean…”

“Yeah I- I get it…” Come on, kid, say it how it is

"I don't think any of us could've been as strong as you were..." Strong?! I was weak...

"I could've done more."

"You did enough. Especially after everything he put you through."

"..." All that harm did us good. It was good. It brought us closer.

“But he told me you forgave him, so if you did it, I thought that I could too.” He whispered the last words, looking up at Jake, seeking some sort of approval. “You were also right, he’s not the same man. Da-… Q- Quaritch, he…he’s so different than he was all those months back with the recoms.”

“You know, it’s ok if you wanna call him that.” He wiped his nose, careful to do it with the left not the right. “You don’t have to hide it from me.” And it was true. He would’ve been so happy to see Miles reconcile with Spider, to finally form that lost bond between them.

“I’m still thinking if it’s wrong or not.”

“Why would it be? Is as ‘wrong’ as me calling Kiri my daughter. It’s about what we feel for a person, not the blood we share.”

There was a long pause where he could read the agitation in Spider's eyes, a hidden commotion. It seemed familiar. That was probably how he looked like before he accepted his feelings for Miles. Spider played with a bead from his songcord, one at the very end, the most recent one added.

“When it’s just the two of us I call him that. It makes me feel lighter. And lately he’s been… kind. It took a few days for all three of us to get in there together, you know? I mean me, Lo and Kiri. He kinda won us over with stories from Earth and shitty stupid jokes... He was descent, he apologized, full sentences in Na’vi. It kinda surprised me. You- you were a good teacher.”

“At least I got that right…”

“And I can see he’s really trying not to be an asshole…and, I don’t know…”

He was listening, to every word, but it felt like a dream, like one of his bubbles and he was ready for it to just burst.

“Lo’ak and Kiri,” Jake said with what seemed like sand in his mouth. “went to see Elyn?”

“Yeah. In the last week we visited him every day.” Spider got closer, resting his hand on the blanket near Jake’s. “Dina says he’s very strong for his age. He’s breathing on his own, he ate a little bit, though I heard Norm being upset about having to feed him that fake plasma liquids.” He has to eat chemicals because I’m too fucking sca- “She let us hold him, tough me and Kiri didn’t. We let-… we let dad and Lo’ak do it.” He waited and waited for something bad to follow, for Spider to take his hand away, to maybe say it was all a joke and laugh in his face. But none of that happened.

“Who else knows?”

“He only told me, but everyone overheard bits and pieces at some point and there are certain times when we’re not allowed in the lab. I think that’s when Norm interrogates him or something.”

“Spider, do you understand why… why we did what we did?” Spider took his hand, his tiny pink fingers holding lightly his blue palm.

“I do. And I couldn’t really get upset on any of you because I did the same. I lied.” In that moment Spider felt like the glue between two impossible worlds. There he was, a teen boy, understanding and accepting better than all the adults around him did. “I lied to Lo’ak about me saving dad from the ship. I thought that if I tell the truth, no one will understand…”

“But they did, right?” Right?

“Yeah…Jake, can I-…Can I give you a hug?” He nodded as he leaned forward to get closer to the boy.

Jake didn't know how much he needed that small gesture. He held back from crushing Spider, leaving his hand only lightly on the boy's back and letting him do the rest. As they pulled away, Spider gave him one of his warm smiles.

"Spider, has Miles been asking about me these days?"

"He-"

"Dad?" A child's voice. Tuk was watching them from behind the door, one foot in the room and one in the hall, but she didn't look as scared as before. "Is it really you?" She took another step forward.

"Yes, Tuk-Tuk, it’s me." He held out his palm to her, the ring shining under the artificial white light. Tuk took two more steps and stopped suddenly again, her tail stuck to her body.

"Say something only dad would know." Spider held back a laugh.

"I know…that Sullys stick together, sweetheart." She ran at the speed of light and threw herself into his arms. She clung to his neck and wouldn't let go. It still seemed unreal. He hugged her back, living the moment as the last. After so long he was finally holding his girl in his arms, close to his heart.

“He promised it was you, but I was scared to believe him.”

“It’s me, baby. It’s me.” He kissed her forehead, nuzzling his face into her hair. She smelled like home.

“Dad…is he a Sully too now?”

“In a way… We have to ask him how he feels about it.” Something hard poked him on the back. He tugged at Tuk’s hand to notice that she was holding a piece of wood. It was the carving that Miles made for Elyn, a little bear shaped toy.

“Where did you get this?”

“He gave it to me, to keep it safe for the baby. I’m not the smallest one anymore.” Jake smiled at that, his finger tracing over the outline of the toy.

“You’re the big sister now.”

“I’ll protect him.” She got up. Her smile radiated, lighting up the room. “Miles said that his name came from grandma, our other one. Is it true?”

“Mhm. Her name was Jocelyn.” It was as if he first saw the likeness on her face, in Tuk's contagious smile, a piece of his mother.

Tuk suddenly stepped aside in shock.

"Dad, did I hurt you? I didn't mean to!" Jake looked down at his chest. His T-shirt was stained with milk and suddenly, he felt like hiding from them. He wanted to cover himself, but he forgot not to use his right hand. Missing finger. Ugly scars. Spider must have read his panic because he immediately took Tuk out of there.

"Let's leave Jake alone for a bit. Look, he didn't even get to eat." Implied glances at the food tray, a new wave of shame.

Quiet. The static in his ears. The rustling of the sheet on the bed. Two flashing red lights.

—

That night Jake stayed awake, not that it was too difficult to do anyway. He hadn't had a good night's sleep since spending nights alone. Another form of torture. He thought about everything he learned. It wasn't a bubble, it was reality. If it were to be, with his luck, that would have burst by then. The world seemed to be changing, but he remained in place, once again gripped by fear and thoughts. He could have it all in the palm of his hand although that thought still didn't fit the shapes of reality he had constructed. He had to do something though, he couldn't go on like this. He was going to lose more and more. He was tired of it all.

He quickly changed into the pants they gave him after they removed his stitches, put on his bracelet, and walked out of there for the first time in weeks. I have to see my baby. I need to talk to Miles and rectify everything. I have to convince them to let us together.

The corridor of the Med Bay led to a small dining room. Jake felt stuffy as soon as he set foot there. A lump in his throat. The room was set up for human oxygen. Although there was no light on, he faintly caught a glimpse of Dina sitting at a table. She took out a lighter and lit a cigarette.

"The dead man is out of the grave." Trails of smoke rose into the air, immediately invading his senses.

"I didn't expect to find you here." Dina looked dejected.

"Can I ask you where you're going at this hour or will you feel attacked by that too?" The reddish-yellow light of her lit cigarette stole his gaze. A splash of color in a sea of dark blue. He moved closer and closer, until he saw the pile of cigarette buds in an ashtray.

“I needed to move... I thought you didn’t smoke anymore.”

“And I thought I won’t lose my friend, but here we are.”

He couldn’t take it anymore, the constant pressure, the mix of all his turbulent emotions, anger, fear, dread, anxiety. He needed Miles. He needed the bond.

“I’m sorry for what I said and how I acted.” He was glad it was dark enough to not look her in her eyes. Lit bud flowing around in the air. “I don’t wanna lose you guys.” All he could hear was the cigarette burning, the air drawn into the lungs, the air expelled. A spell. “Dina, please, I- I need help.” There was a long pause broken by a sniff. The light was extinguished in the ashtray.

"God, when you said that, you sounded exactly like him… Sorry, I-" She lit another one, her hands fumbling with the packet. “I thought I left Tom behind, but it took a few words from that blue mother fucker to bring everything back.”

“You spoke with Miles?” Smoke in the air. He coughed.

“He was surprisingly more talkative than you… He-… I understood better why Tom did what he did, especially in the end.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t even know if I should tell you this…”

“I’ll tell you all about what happened.” Jake said firmly. “First thing in the morning.” How do you beg someone when you don’t have anything else to offer? “Please, just tell me what you know. Please.” Her lips dragging on the cig. So much smoke all around.

“Tom called me right after it happened, while he was bleeding-..." Inhaled nicotine. "And for years I kept wondering why he didn’t call 911 or…you.” Jake coughed again. The smoke didn’t help with his breathing. “He called to say goodbye and-…and he told me he couldn’t do that to you, tell you that he won’t come back after he promised he will.” She was choking up the words. Red circle of light. So much nicotine smoke. “And from my understanding, he wasn’t the only one who promised that.”

Jake didn’t know what to do with it. It wasn’t surprising. It was Tommy. Always there to protect his little brother, to take his pain and suffering away. He did it even in his last moments.

“He wasn’t…but the worst part is that it’s happening again.” He felt dizzy for a second. He crouched down, holding himself up by the rim of the table. “Dina, I can’t lose Miles. I’m grateful that I have all of you guys but I don’t only need your help, I need his too! He can help me in ways none of you can. When the bond broke I thought I’ll go insane or just die. He pulled me out of it, of so much bad shit. And I’ll tell you everything! I’ll do the brain scans, whatever you guys want, but please, please stop taking him away from me!”

“Jake, we were afraid for you.”

“You didn’t have to be! He’s not controlling me, he doesn’t have hidden knives and guns pointing at my head. And it wasn’t a ‘he did this, I did that’ for us to change our minds about each other. I genuinely care and want him in my life.” He let his chin rest on the table. He felt exhausted. “Dina, please, help me!”

He didn’t know what else to say without sitting Dina down for the longest, craziest story she ever heard, but he hoped it was enough for the night. She put out the cigarette and fixed back her breathing mask on her face, the light from the exopack lightening up a small space in all that darkness. Jake could still see all the traces of the smoke, floating around in the air under the dim green light.

“Go back to bed and wait for me. I’ll go see if they’re still awake.” She sprinted off before he could realize what she just said.

—

Jake couldn't sit still. He spun in circles waiting for Dina to return, flinching at every sound he heard. He wasn't sure what he should’ve expected, how much Dina had understood what he’d meant. Somehow he expected Norm and Max to show up with all the brain machines. You gave them the green light to rummage through your head. All he could do was pray that for once in his life, Miles was wrong and that they wouldn't try to break up their bond. Jake didn't think he could ever be the same again with Neytiri.

He spun around the bed once more, lost in thought. Then the door opened and everything seemed unreal. Miles had entered first, tray in hand, uncuffed, smirking. Jake didn't know what to do with himself. Her first instinct was to immediately jump into his arms but he stopped when he saw Dina's profile behind Miles. Hold back a little longer. Don't ruin it.

Jake sat on the edge of the bed, digging his fingers into the mattress to steady himself. He couldn't even pay attention to Dina, didn't even care that she was there or that the red lights on the wall were still flickering. All he could see before his eyes was Miles and his comets burning.

"I heard my kitten is up to no good." Miles sat down on the bed, left the tray of food between the two of them and took Jake's hand. "Come on, get on my lap." Jake’s mind protested, scared to death to do that in front of their judging eyes, but his body just reacted and before he knew it, he straddled Miles’ lap, getting comfortable in his favorite spot to sit. It hit him all at once, the scent, the closeness, the safety net he felt and he relaxed, his entire body taking a break from all the buildup stress. Miles hugged him from behind, letting a small kiss on the back of his neck, his hands resting on Jake’s navel right on the healed cut.

Dina approached them and only then did Jake notice that she had something in her arms, wrapped in a colorful blanket. Jake's legs went limp.

"Someone missed you terribly." Miles murmured. The heavy blanket was handed to him and his breath hitched. Elyn had grown a lot since Jake had first hold him. He was all wrapped up, only his face and the small tuft of curly hair on his forehead could be seen. The little one was sleeping peacefully. Jake lightly traced his finger over the little constellation on his face, over his tiny round checks, on his nose. He brushed aside his hair, revealing the marvelous pattern of stripes that marked the baby’s skin.

“He has a star on his forehead.”

“Probably from all the ones I kissed you under.” Please don’t be a bubble Please don’t be a bubble

"I think we should see if the little one eats on his own." Dina suggested. Miles woke the little one with light touches on the nose. Two comets as golden as the gold on his finger looked back at Jake. They had the same intensity as Miles'.

"Hey, Elyn! Hey, my precious boy!” At the sound of Jake's voice, Elyn's face lit up, looking intently, and Jake could swear the little one cracked a smile. Miles lifted his shirt and Jake placed Elyn against his chest. The little one latched on immediately, sucking eagerly from his breast.

"He’s eating." He happily confirmed to Dina.

"This is good. From here on out he shouldn't have any more problems."

He felt it again, that boundless happiness he felt for all his children. He wished he could immortalize the moment in time, relive it over and over for eternity.

"I wish you could see what I see now, little soul."

"And I wish you could feel what I feel, Miles."

It was easy to imagine again that they were alone in the world, three souls existing together, meant to be. They waited for Elyn to finish. When Jake wanted to lose himself in the two little comets, he noticed that the little one was barely keeping his eyes open, sleep tugging at his eyelids. Jake took Miles’ hand and put it under his so they could rock the little one together. Meanwhile, Dina brought in an IV bag, preparing it, but Miles stopped her before she could come to insert the needle.

"I'll take care of that when we're done here." She hesitated a little, but backed off.

After he fell asleep, Jake handed him back to Dina. She immediately turned to leave, an emptiness settling in Jake's stomach. The fear. The paralyzing fear of being left alone again.

"Dina? Can Miles… can he-"

"See you in the morning!" She shouted without looking back. "Don't forget the perfusion!"

"Dina, wait!" She half turned. "Thank you, a lot! Oh, and Dina? Can you get everyone here tomorrow morning? I- I need to tell you all something important.”

 "Sure."

As soon as she left, Jake couldn't contain himself anymore. He kissed Miles like their lives depended on it, and maybe they did, because he felt like he was coming back to life from being next to him. Sweet kisses, deep, full of longing and passion. Then Jake remembered. The red lights.

"Who's watching the cameras now?"

"I don't know for sure. I think Patel was still awake."

"Max, stop the cameras!" Jake shouted. “Please!… Just for tonight…”

Red light. Nothing. Red light. Nothing. Red light. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. He jumped at Miles' neck, ready to taste him on his lips again, but Miles pulled him back, taking his hands in his.

"Easy, princess! We're not doing anything until your naughty ass turns around and you empty that plate." Jake could confidently admit that he missed that authoritative tone from Miles. He had already learned to be the obedient boy, now he was just putting it into practice. He didn't wait for Miles to tell him twice. He took his plate and started eating whatever was on it, the food finally having taste. Miles got up to get the perfusion.

"Hold out your hand!"

He listened to his mate. Dina had left everything ready for him. Miles looked for his vein, wiped the spot a little with alcohol, picked up the needle and for the first time since doing that, he put the needle in correctly without breaking the vein. The world had returned to the right axis again, it was the right thing to do. They were together again.

"Are you still mad at me?" Jake asked between bites. Miles lift him and plumped him back down on his lap, took some food between his fingers and brought it to Jake's lips. Jake was in heaven.

"No. I understood your little game even though it hurt like hell. But, it helped our case that we both didn't scratch at each other's door."

"I heard you get along well with kids." He answered Miles with his mouth full.

"They surrounded me from all sides!" Miles said defensively, laughing slightly. "Little beasts these kids of yours...they get under your skin fast with all their questions." Jake couldn’t agree more.

"How do you get along with the others?"

"It could be better. Spellman still spits when he says something to me but when it comes to asking questions about you or Elyn, he's the first to do it so it must mean something. Patel laughed once at a joke of mine and then panicked. But Miss Faez is a hard bitch to tame.” Jake slapped him across the knee.

"Dina is just Dina. She's not bad."

"I heard you had a fight with her. In fact, I heard you had a fight with everyone.”

"M'yeah, it was hard without you hear. I said and did things that I shouldn't." Miles wrapped his arms around his hips, his fingers massaging Jake's hip bones that stood out, protruding his skin.

"I can tell." Miles squeezed his skin a little. "I want these gone! From tomorrow, you eat all meals with me." Jake snorted, trying not to laugh.

"Do you really think that from tomorrow they’ll leave us together non-stop?" He rested his head on Miles' shoulder, kissing down his neck to his collarbone.

"They’ll do it. Today we reached a compromise. They leave us alone if we go to all the neural scans and tests together.”

"Miles, that's the trap-"

"That's what I thought at first, but it's not. They all got scared when I told them that you're still not well, even though it's been so long since we did tsaheylu. No one wants to shove your wife back down your throat, I made sure of it.”

"You really told them a lot..." He wished he could share everything for the first time together.

"I had to give them something, princess, otherwise I had every chance of waking up with them strangling me in my sleep... Look at me!" Comets finding comets, the burning calm of stars. "There's a lot more for you to say." Sweet lips, honey, intoxicating scent. "Did you heal? Let me see your belly!"

Jake leaned back, lifting his shirt. Miles pulled down his pants, running his warm fingers over the white line. He leaned down and left kisses all over it. But Jake wasn't comfortable with that. It was a reminder of what he had failed to do, he didn't deserve affection.

"Miles stop! It's ugly!" Jake tried to pull him off, to dig his hand into the curls to push him aside. Miles grabbed his wrists, a growl sending shivers through Jake.

"This is where our baby came out. There's nothing ugly about that."

"But that's not where he was supposed to come from." he sighed tearfully.

"Jake, there was no other way..."

"But I-…It was my fault. I-…Let me make up for it!" Jake took one more look at the cameras to be sure. All off. He break out of Miles hold and flipped them around.

“Make up for it?! Ja-“ He silenced him with a kiss.

Jake pulled Miles to the edge of the bed and knelt in front of him. He was glad he had the idea to hide another roll of gauze under the bed. He bent down to pick it up as Miles mumbled something confused. Jake tossed the roller into his lap, crossed his wrists in front of him, and opened his mouth.

"No, princess, I won’t fuck you. The witch made it clear that I have to keep you cum-free until your womb heals too.”

"I know. I want you to fuck my mouth.” Jake palmed him through his pants, Miles’ cock twitched at the attention. "Please, love." From that position the outline of his cock was clear through the gray pants.

“You’re still now wearing underwear, you fucker?” That got him a low growl and a rough hand buried in his hair, pulling harshly on his roots. He moaned under the touch.

“It’s comfy!” Miles took the roll and started tying his hands. “Let’s put that mouth of yours to better use.”

“Gladly!” Hands secured. Mouth pried open. Two fingers passed his lips deeply. He almost choked.

"Do you still know how to do it?" Jake sucked on them, used his tongue, taking them down to the knuckles. They were both touch starved. In a second, Miles grabbed his hair again and pulled him forward, until his lips brushed over the tip of the big cock he missed so much.

He slid the tip of his tongue up the underside, breathing softly over it. He sensed the cock twitching.  He took the tip in his mouth, sucking on it, swirling his tongue around it, burst of flavor from the sweet bead of pre-cum. Miles’ breath caught as he sucked harder.

Jake felt his own dick twitching by the way Miles looked at him with those hungry eyes. With them apart for so long, patience become nonexistent. He took more of it, running his tongue over one thick vein. He swallowed around it and he kept taking more until it hit the back of his throat.

“That’s it, love. Shit- just like that. Keep your head still!”

Miles took control. Nails dug in the side of Jake’s head to keep him in place, and he stood as still as possible. Right where you belong, under him. He knees started to hurt, but it didn’t matter. He let Miles use him. There was so much droll dripping down his chin and onto the floor. His brains got shaken good, until he couldn’t even think. Without a warning, he felt sweet nectar on his tongue.

“Don’t swallow it! Fuck, princess!” Miles wiped his cock on his lips. He tilted Jake’s head to the side, comets burning at the sight in front of him. “Show me!” Jake stuck his tongue out. Miles got closer and spat in his mouth. Jake shivered. “You like that?” A tiny nod, their gazes not breaking for a second. He did it again and then pushed on Jake’s jaw to close it. “You know what to do.” Jake swirled everything together with his tongue getting drunk on the aroma, while Miles lowered his hand on his throat. He swallowed it all, feeling the lump against Miles’ palm. “Good boy!”

When Jake got up, he wobbled a bit, dizzy, but Miles caught him in time, lowering them both back on the bed.

“Your turn?” Jake shook his head and stopped Miles from untying his hands.

“I wanna stay like this for a while.”

“Then how ‘bout this?” Kuru brought forward. Stardust sprinkled between at the sight. When Jake felt that burst of electricity, he almost cried of happiness.

It was like a dressing for his soul wound. Nothing compared to that feeling, to the certainty he was aware of when their minds were one. All their emotions from the past few weeks mixed together in multi-colored waves. Jake had seen and felt the joy Miles felt in all the days spent with their son. He was able to live through those memories, the first time the little one opened his eyes, the first time when Miles held him slightly scared. He saw little moments with his family, with Lo'ak when he walked the little one around the lab and introduced all their friends to him, when Kiri sometimes came in the evening to sing him lullabies, when Spider and the kids each added a new bead on their songcords for Elyn.

Then he saw Neytiri, bringing with her a first gift, the colorful blanket in which Dina had brought Elyn. "For a new son." And she and Miles stood there under the same roof, watching from separate sides a new life grow.

Bubbles full of bad thoughts, of destructive scenarios, burst one by one around Jake. He pulled himself closer to Miles' warm body, head on his chest, tails intertwined, and he let his mind wander.

It wasn't their bed, but he imagined it was. He pretended that the room was a little smaller, that in front of them was a glass panel through which he could see the fluorescent colors of nature. It was going to be fine.

"Tomorrow, when I talk to them, I want you to be with me."

"Where else would I be, my little soul?"

When they fell asleep, they were still doing tsaheylu, bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces, their hearts beating in unison pressed against each other.

Chapter Text

The forest loses its thicket the faster he runs after the child, through the thorn bushes, over the vines that cling to his body like tentacles. He calls after the little one louder and louder, but he doesn't listen, he runs like a bunny with bare feet on the soft grass. All around, he sees traces of blood, hand stains, human remains, bones, pieces of brain, bullets embedded in the bark of trees. He scratched his skin at the sharp bones from the carcasses eaten by animals and nature. “Elyn, please, come back!” He can't see the child's face, only his bare back, and his curly hair. He knows where they’re running towards. A sharp turn and he sees the metal box that was his grave for a long time. The little one passes over the traces left in the land of where the past shadow of his other father laid. "Elyn, please!" "I want to see what's in there." The door is open. Pools of blood flowed around the entrance. "Elyn, you’re not allowed in there! Come back!" Outstretched hand. Jake almost grabs him by the tail, but he slips through his fingers at the last second. Giggles. Hyena laughter. Claw marks on the walls, punches thrown, shards of glass on the floor, translucent stains shining on all surfaces. "What happened here, daddy?" "Nothing!" He digs his fingers into the child's hair and pulls hard, yanking him, and the little one starts to cry. "You’re not allowed to see this! Never come here again! You understand?" Jake pulls the child again and he falls to his knees. He holds onto the metal table leg with his little hands. "Let go and get out!" Screams, tears and cries. He slaps him on the shoulder and the child suddenly falls silent. And he does it again, and again, but the little one keeps his mouth shut. “Elyn, let go!”

Before Jake can pull again he is yanked by someone by the scuff of his neck. Face planted onto the metal floor. Head smashed into it by a bigger body. “Did you just hit my child, Sully?” Miles turns him around, fists cracking lips, cracking jaws. He feels the blood running down his face. "I'm going to kill you for this." Jake falls back again and wakes up on white sheets, his head in Miles' lap, tip of a blade above his stomach. But he realizes that he is looking into dead eyes. That's not his Miles, that's Quaritch. Elyn sits at the desk, looking through the glass panel, his back to them, dog tags dangling from his hand. "Tell the kid what you did here!" But Jake doesn’t make a sound. The blade pierces him, a bluish goo comes out from under his skin. Again and again. “Come on, Sully, say it! What? Are you ashamed of what you did?" The hyena laughs. More stings and the goo changes to blood. It pours out of him like a cascade and all he can do is stare. “Speak, Sully! Tell the kid ‘bout who his father really is!” Crimson flowers blooming from air bubbles. Eyes all around him, colors of all sorts, of his friends and family. Voices coming together, whispers in his ears. “Tell him, Jake!” “Speak up, Sully!” “Come on, you fucking whore, say what you did!” The eyes of a dead man staring right back into his. “You wanna do it all over again, don’t you?” “…don’t you?”

When Jake woke up, he jumped out of bed and stopped straight on his knees in the bathroom with his head over the toilet lid. The noises jolted Miles awake. He came to stay with Jake until he calmed down. It was all too familiar. Electric shocks of the past and present, or maybe he was still living in the past. He washed his face with cold water until his facial muscles felt numb.

"You feel better?"

"No." Jake almost put his head under the water again. He felt like punching something, anything, himself. He hated himself for that dream. I would never hurt Elyn! Never never never "We should’ve set that place on fire, destroyed any evidence that we were there, that-" Miles grabbed him from behind, lifting his chin. Their mirrored gazes met.

"Princess, breathe!" Easy to say, hard to do. "What are you talking about?"

"The shack, Miles!" Jake screamed. Drops of water fell on the floor, at their feet." I had this dream… It should’ve been destroyed! What if anyone ever goes back there? What if the children will be curious? What if Elyn ever-…” Tongue split by fangs and anger.

"So that's what it's all about... You don’t have to worry!"

"What the fuck- Miles!"

“Jake.”

"How can you be so calm?!" Jake pulled away from him for a second, only for Miles to grab him back by the tail, pulling him back into his arms. Bird in the cage. Fingers on the back of his neck, floating down his braid. Then everything felt lighter. Miles was seeing something but as soon as the images popped up, they vanished right away. Whatever Jake was thinking before just evaporated, the worries melted away and all that remained was calmness and love. It was so peaceful that he could’ve actually fallen asleep standing.

“Miles, you know what would be fun? To get my old tattoos back.” He laughed at his own silliness. What were we even talking about? When did I wake up?

"As long as you don't want the 'Born Loser' one, maybe we can work something out."

"Pff, the one with the eagle of the homeland is talking... How did you know I had that tattoo? It was on my back." Miles kissed his shoulder and Jake wanted to keep every kiss carved on his skin. Maybe he should've gotten a tattoo for Miles, something small, symbolic, somewhere only he could see.

"I told you, princess, I read all your files."

Jake turned to look at the golden abyss he had fallen in love with so easily, but he noticed that something had changed about Miles. Before, he thought it was just his imagination, but for weeks, ever since they lived in their little paradise, Miles had started looking at him a certain way, especially when they were doing tsaheylu. It was something between pity and searching, like an analysis beyond the upper layers, nailed deep into his soul. And Miles wasn't the only one. Norm and the others looked at him in the same manner a few times, and Jake couldn't help but wonder what they were observing at the time.

"Can you stop doing this?" Miles looked puzzled.

"What exactly, princess?"

"Looking at me like, I don't know, there's something wrong with me." Miles didn't answer him, but did what he knew best, avoiding answers with honey kisses that stole Jake's attention immediately.

“Will you let me check something, kitten? A few minutes and then you can go sit down." He didn't even understand why Miles was still asking. Jake had no mental barriers for a long time, they had all been destroyed and smashed to the ground. He had never been more out of control and yet happier that he didn't have to be in control of so many difficult aspects of his life.

"Just do it! Stop asking."

Tight bonds of energy between their consciousness. A single thread uniting them. Images of the past materialized on his retina as Miles searched for them. He saw himself as a teenager, running through the crowded city streets between home and high school, to places where he hung out with friends, to streets marked with yellow triangles where he waited for people who would offer him some comfort, to strangers’ beds where he let out his frustrations.

The images began to repeat, his adolescence reiterated in a continuous loop, but with each repetition, the colors changed and the scenes became bluer and bluer. Everything was moving so fast that he didn't even have time to fully process what he was seeing. Jake just knew he was happy, the giggles and goofy smiles returning to his face. Bits of film, scenes of him and Tommy, nights lost in creepy, dirty neighborhoods, hours spent on his knees for unwary bastards he stole some pocket money from, drank beer cans and bottles, tattoo machines filling layers with ink, chicks and guys, everything and nothing.

Suddenly Miles stopped looking and Jake felt somehow caught on the border between their two mental worlds. Try as he might, he couldn't get past any of them.

"Listen, Jake, when you talk to them today, I don't want us to do any bonding.”

“Why not?”

“I think is best if you keep your mind clear.”

“But i do that… with tsaheylu. You can’t just tell me not to, especially now when I have to face them all and-”

Jake felt the tinniest, thinnest string coiling around his will. That was different as well. Miles was able to just catch him in his webs without much effort since they returned.

“Shush! When I tell you to do something for your wellbeing, you-“

“I do what you say, I know.” The mental string seemed to loosen its hold. “But it’s just that sometimes you act like I’m some kind of child. I can make decisions very well on my own. I've done it so far.”

“And we both know how well that went, princess.”

They were interrupted by Norm and Dina, who brought hungry little Elyn with them. Jake took the baby and sat with him on the bed, putting him to his breast to feed him. In front of them, the room was starting to fill one by one with the rest of his family. Neytiri and Kiri arrived first, followed by Max, Spider and Lo'ak. But Jake's attention wasn't on any of them, not on Miles sitting next to him on the bed with Jake's back against his body, not even on the slight pain caused by the baby's sucking. Jake was only thinking about tsaheylu, of the past few weeks, how unsure of himself he felt, and the best words to choose for what was to come.

Just like the first time he had woken up, everyone surrounded him on either side. All eyes were on him. Suddenly he would rather be anywhere but there. Dina, Norm and Max tried to appear neutral, unbothered, but each had their own way of showing their nervousness by the way they prepared to note or record things. They asked, and he allowed them. He would've accepted anything to be left alone with Miles, but in the back of his mind he knew that all his friends were doing was for him to get better, to be more like his old self. Though, that old self felt like being gone more than ever. Dina had sat closest with her notebook, Max and Norm had their holopads ready to take notes or record whatever was being said. His family, however, was quiet, all huddled on the bed next to his. His heart stopped pounding as Kiri suddenly stood up and brought him his songcord.

"I thought you wanted it back, dad."

"Thank you, sweetheart!" Something had changed. A metal bead had been added.

"It's for the day you returned home. We all have one and… what I want to say is, dad we're with you no matter what.” Kiri hugged him and the baby, and Jake saw her hand slide up to Miles' arm as well. She then resumed her place next to Neytiri.

Jake held in the palm of his hand the direct connection to his past, lost relatively recently, but to him it felt like years ago since he had it. Somehow it seemed wrong to own it again, to resume that life he had left behind. But he took a deep breath and accepted the songcord as he accepted his past and mistakes.

One last look into the room, one last look at their expressions that he was sure would change drastically. The child's whimper woke him from his stupor. Elyn was still hungry so he moved him to the other breast.

“I… I want to start by apologizing to everyone for what I've been or haven't been since I came back. I was a pain in the ass, a jerk, but worst of all… I forgot to be a father and a friend. And for that I’m deeply sorry to all of you!"

Jake wanted an answer back, but at the same time he didn't want to see those eyes filled with pity and fake compassion for his shitty behavior. He didn't wait, he kept talking, letting the words take control and get lost behind the story. The beginning was easy because he had to talk about his childhood for them to understand, and the topic was already easy for him to reiterate with how much he and Miles had discussed and relived those memories. All the drawers of his mind opened one by one, and he told them about the twins who dreamed of another life, about a mother with the warmest soul, about a man who didn't know how to be a father, about a house with its roof embroidered with stars and about a street lit by two yellow car headlights.

No one interrupted him, everyone listened intently, even Miles, but Jake could tell that Miles was trying to see if he was telling them the truth. He had done it, without detours, without mincing the truth. The reactions were on point, the most emotional being the kids, and Jake couldn't blame them. Kiri silently sobbed every time Jocelyn was mentioned, Spider stared blankly at the mention of punches and violance, and Lo'ak had sores around his fingernails from the times he bit his cuticles in stress at the mention of Damian. All that mystery had been built around the concept of their grandparents, only for the truth to surface with a sad version without happy endings, but somehow Jake was convinced it would prepare them for the rest of the things he was about to confess.

When he finished, Elyn was sound asleep with his belly full. No one dared disturb him from his deep sleep, so he remained with them, moved in the arms of his other father. Miles had been quiet the entire time, never interjecting Jake's story. But quickly, too quickly, the time came for him to tell them about those six months.

"That day I…" Jake focused on the comets for a second, trying to look away for forgiveness for whatever he was going to say to them, because the truth spoken out loud would hurt perhaps for the two of them more than for everyone else. "I thought I was gonna die." Jake shifted his attention to his cream blanket and stopped noticing their reactions. "And I somehow expected it to be fast, but that didn't happen. I promised myself then that I’d try to do everything I could to keep you all safe."

He struggled with every word spoken, every detail mentioned. It was like he was reliving it all, being locked back in that metal cage and all those ideas, everything they had done in the beginning, was so far from who they both were now.

"I should’ve realized earlier that our connection was broken... I had so many clues, but I didn't know how to read them. It started with horrible nightmares.” But with the nightmares came their new dynamic, Miles' lifeline. Suddenly a lump was put in his throat, the truth seemed somewhat so distant.

"Miles started helping me with them." Jake whispered, but it was Miles' turn to react. He discreetly grabbed Jake's hip, pinching him. But it's true! It's...it's half-truth...It's a lie. He would've preferred to lie.

"When you say 'help'…" Dina interrupted calmly. "What do you mean?" Why are the children here? What was going through my head when I called everyone here? Instinctively, he reached for Miles' kuru, but Miles stopped him, a pleasant grip on his wrist.

"If you can't answer, I will."

"No, I-I...You have to understand that I-I..." I can't. I can’t. I can’t.

"It wasn’t help, it was taking advantage of his condition." Miles' voice seemed to shake the earth. Jake shrunk, covering himself more with the blanket, trying to hide. "There were tactics, there was manipulation, there was-"

"Miles, stop it!" Jake's scream startled even himself. "I want to tell this part."

"Jake, you don't have to force yourself." Norm intervened. "We can take a break or continue another day."

"No!" Jake replied firmly. "If I stop now, I won't have the courage again." Jake took the baby from Miles' arms and gave it to Neytiri, who happily took him. He snuggled better in Miles' lap. It was clear that he wasn't going to let him do tsaheylu, but at least Jake wanted to feel him physically as close as possible.

"We played a game. A correct answer to questions for solid food, something different from c-… from liquids. In the end, he…he convinced me of certain things, and I gave in and he a- he…” Bubbles would burst. Colorful spheres ready to explode in front of everyone.

"He raped me… I-…I let him rape me. I never fought him, never said ‘no’ to him… " Jake couldn't look up from the blanket. He thought rapidly of any given time in the past, but in that split second, he was almost sure that the kids didn't know what that word meant. Yet, he heard Spider letting out a long sigh. "But! But... I mean, yeah, I didn't want that, but I liked it." Own bubbles crushed by hammers. He felt vomit rising up his throat. "I didn't want him, I didn't want it to happen with him, but I loved every second of it. And besides, it really helped calm my mind. And now that I know what happened, it has also helped me with the sickness of the broken bond."

Dead silence. “There were layers to it. There was-… It was close to what I did before on Earth… I don’t regret it, none of it, because it brought me- us, something priceless.” He felt everyone’s shift towards Elyn. It’s the truth. “I called it Eywa’s gift, you can say it was faith or whatever, but never, never call it something negative!”

The monologue continued with the rest of the events. Along the way, Miles had to fill in the moments Jake hadn't been aware of. They learned about his dissociative episodes, how confused, sick and hurt he had been, and Norm confirmed that Neytiri had been through the same thing. Jake begrudgingly brought Wainfleet into the story, reminded of the Tree of Souls, of photographs and the General, of moments of peace and joy, of a lake.

Unbeknownst to him, he made it to his last day in the shack, but to his relief, it was Miles who talked about the event as promised. He was succinct, calculated in his wording, and he also told of the ring and Wainfleet's death. From time to time, Jake received more of those sweet pinches to keep his story in check, to not sugarcoat events too much. Every time he spoke bluntly something in hip raptured, a loose around his neck tightened with fright. “I cut my hand in the mirror cuz I hated how he made me feel. I couldn’t accept that he wasn’t the same, that he had different feelings for me.” “I hated my child at first, I thought I’ll give birth to a monster.” “When I cut Wainfleet’s kuru…I would’ve made so much more than that, I would’ve destroyed the world. That’s how much rage was inside me.” “I felt loved again for who I was before, for that human version of myself that none of you fully got to know. That inner child felt loved again for the first time in many years.”

They continued to the present, with the right parentheses for Max and Dina to understand what had been going on in his psyche. The children remained surprisingly calm, their spirits visibly improving as things progressed and the story turned to a more positive note. In the end, Jake told them they could ask questions if they wanted and they each took some time to think. Lo'ak was the first to reveal his curiosities.

"Dad, when you say 'shack', do you mean the old shack?"

"Yes, although it has been modified. It doesn't look like it did when you found it."

"All this time you were so close..."

"What I want from all of you is to never go back there. Never, Lo'ak! And… I don't want any of you ever telling Elyn, when he grows up, what happened!”

"But, dad!" Kiri tried to intervene.

"No buts, babygirl! I want him to know that he is loved and wanted by his family. That's it. The rest doesn’t matter."

“MaJake, you can't hide the past forever. I think we both know that very well now.”

But he didn't see it that way. Jake began to shake, overcome with fear and panic. Nails brought to the shoulder. Almost pierced skin.

"I don't want him to know! I don't want him to find out that his father was a-” He held back with difficulty. "I don't want him to judge me either. It is enough that you do it!"

"Buddy, nobody's judging you for anything-" But you all do, right now, right in front of me! Eyes filled with pity and he couldn’t stand it. He would have given anything to never see that look on their faces again.

"Dad, no one here thinks differently about you." Kiri added. The boys also nodded, small smiles appearing. "We're glad you were able to tell us all that." Lo'ak approached them, taking Jake's hand in his. The ring was rotated on his finger.

"We all love you and our baby brother just as much." Lo’ak voice cracked. “I’m so happy you came back to us.” A tear running down the boy’s face that Jake wiped away carefully. Lo’ak then locked eyes with Miles, the struggle on the boy’s face visible to gather courage for whatever he was about to say. “Thank you too…for bringing him home.” Miles pointed his hand at him, but for a split second Jake saw a gun pointed at his son's forehead, heard hyena laughter and abusive words. You're just a fucking slut! That's how everyone will know you, that's how they'll look at you. This is what you did, this is who you are!

“Can you give us some space? …Please." Glances at his family. "I want to stay a little bit just with them." Fortunately they understood. The children came one by one to hug him. He barely registered their touch. Neytiri was the last to leave the room with the baby. Dina approached the bed.

“Jake, none of us will ever judge you for what happened. We're here to help you."

"And if I don't want help? What if I want everything to stay the way it is?” I don’t deserve help

"You two have done extremely dangerous things! You sleep doing tsaheylu, you changed memories, he used commands on you. All this can have an irreversible impact if we don’t act in time. It can affect him too, Jake.” Jake leaned back, inhaling the sweet scent heavily.

"Miles is fine."

"We don't know that, not without tests and analysis."

"I'm sticking with the doc this time, princess." Even Miles had come over to their side. It seemed unreal. His hesitation made Miles let his fingers slide down his braid, a promise for later. One against all. It didn't seem like a fair fight.

"Okay." he muttered. "Let's do those tests." Everyone's faces lit up, but he was still scared, anxious, mind running in circles. Did I really did it? Is it over? There’s nothing more to hide?

After saving all their documents and records, Max and Dina made their way to the lab with Miles in tow. They wanted to start with him. Jake and Norm stayed behind, the emptiness in Jake's stomach growing with each step.

“Norm? Am I-… Do you still see me as…who I was before?” Norm took a few steps to the side to reach Jake’s gaze.

“Jake, you'll always be my friend and I’ll never see you as anything less. I know you’re not the type to want to hear this, but I'm truly sorry you went through all that… If anything, it showed us you’re still the toughest out of all of us.” Norm finished smiling and Jake found strength to smile back.

“It’s still me, you know, even though I…love him now.”

“We know.”

“But, Norm…what about Miles?” Norm shrugged still smiling.

“If you’re absolutely sure that this is the best for you, then we’ll support you all the way through.”

“It is… It really is.” A genuine smile and a rekindled spark of happiness among old friends.

—-

The next four days were full of continuous tests, brain scans for all the crucial moments when they were doing tsaheylu. Needles, cables, sensors, monitors calculating and filtering information. They put them to sleep to see the reaction of their brains together, had Miles give him a small command and for last, erase a trivial memory as well as give it back to him. Jake realized that those tests didn't bother him as much as he thought, because he could stay connected to Miles for half the day, and that still weighed more than anything to him. They also took countless blood samples. Analysis upon analysis, checked countless times, but most of their reactions worried Jake. No one seemed happy with what they found.

Dina would light a cigarette after each blood test result. Norm and Max were in constant debate with each new piece of information or different outcome. He had never seen them so fired up about a subject. But again, nothing seemed positive.

His family was with them the whole time. It's our family now. Ours. He mentally corrected himself as many times as he could. Spider was the first to come over to see if everyone was okay. Jake was overjoyed to see him and Miles interacting warmly. It was far from a perfect relationship, but everyone contributed little by little. Neytiri, Lo'ak, and Kiri took care of Elyn, brought him in so Jake could feed him, and the four of them sat between the analysis breaks, happy to be together again. Jake also noticed the change in the kids' faces, like they were finally able to breathe, recharge, able to be normal teenagers again.

"Come on, tell me, where do you want us to stay when Elyn gets a little older? Back to grandma or back to the reef?”

"I'd like to stay here." Kiri answered immediately.

"I wish we could go back to the reef." Lo'ak added over his sister. They all saw the sadness in Lo'ak's eyes. "I miss Payakan. I haven't seen Tsireya in so long, and there's where-… Teyam’s there." Deja vu and shivers all over Jake's body.

"Lo'ak, Neteyam is with the Great Mother now." Neytiri tried to comfort him. Refusal was not an option for Jake.

"If you want us to go back for your brother, we will, son. We’ll stay there as long as you need. No one’s gonna take that away from you.”

It was torture, having to split emotionally between so many directions. He knew that he had neglected his children, that he had somehow become the person he had feared for so long. He couldn't abandon Miles either. They needed each other more than ever. He had to find a balance.

When Norm finally came up with the final results the tension in the room could be cut with a knife. Time seemed to freeze in place. The biolab seemed smaller and stuffier than usual. It was just him, Miles, Norm and Max.

"We have good news and bad news. The important thing is, first of all, that we found and better understood the cause of the problem." Max pointed the results screen at them.

"Every time two partners do tsaheylu, a chemical spreads in the body. We have no equivalent for it, but think of it as a cocktail of all the substances of happiness in a human's body. But here’s the problem. Miles also has this chemical in his blood…it shouldn’t be there. When you had the blood transfusion, your body, Jake, received that chemical and assimilated it.”

"I see... but I guess that’s not all of it by the look on your faces."

“No, it’s… You see, we never had a case like this before, so a lot of it is also speculation based on data. But what we think happened is that your bond with Neytiri never actually broke, it just altered.” Miles didn’t like the sound of that.

“What the fuck does that mean, Patel?”

"Naturally, to break the bond, you should do tsaheylu directly, but that didn't happen with you two. And our conclusion is that Jake is stuck between two worlds, he's connected to you, but also to Neytriri, that he basically has two partners. Once again, the chemical itself has a dominant component. Every Na'vi has it, but yours is extremely concentrated. In theory, Jake would’ve had no chance of resisting the bond even if he tried to.”

"What about the rest?" Hands flying in front of Jake's eyes. Miles' tone harshened. "Why is he still different? Why is he sometimes lost?”

Norm and Max exchanged glances.

"Maybe you should sit down."

"I'm fine here, Spellman. Keep talking!” Norm looked exhausted.

"You two played with extremely dangerous things and unfortunately Jake suffered the most. And we're talking about bad and less bad parts here." Miles gripped his hip, pulling him closer. Jake felt a small kiss behind his ear. "The fact that you sometimes sleep together doing tsaheylu brings changes in the restructuring of each other's brain activity. And we're not just talking about sharing dreams, Jake. Have you ever noticed a change in temperament between the two of you?”

"Yes!" Jake answered immediately.

"Well, to put it simply, it's because of it. You borrow characteristics every time. How far this can go, we cannot be sure. But it would be advisable to try to avoid doing that again."

"As for the memories and your connection in general..." Max interjected clearly stressed. “I don't mean to sound offensive in any way, Jake, but…We've run into a major problem here. We noticed a regression in your brain activity.” Max projected three scans onto the screen. "This is the brain of a teenage Na'vi, around fifteen-sixteen years old, the one in the middle is yours, and the one on the right is that of a Na'vi around your age." If Max hadn't differentiated each image, Jake wouldn't have picked the right one for himself. Certain colored parts looked exactly the same between him and the teenage one.

"You mean I…"

"We initially thought it was an error, but there is no stronger evidence than this here. Look, even your frontal lobe changes, it reverts to the characteristics of a person with an underdeveloped one. In short, when you're connected, your mind reverts to that of a teenager. We think your memory tampering caused this, given everything you've told us.”

"In the long run what does this mean?" Miles asked. Jake was speechless, looking through the images in disbelief.

"Here comes the good part. All these effects have stagnated, there are no signs of an evolution. From this point of view we can be calm. What personally pleased me the most, Jake, was that you don't show any of the early signs of people with locomotor-cognitive loss. Those commands don’t affect you in any way. But that doesn't mean,” Max pointed out firmly. "that one of you should control the other, to abuse the power of the bond." Knives thrown from Max's gaze towards Miles.

"What can we do for him?" Both of his friends sighed. Jake snuggled closer into Miles, hugging him tightly. He braced himself for the worst.

"With what technology we have at our disposal and what we know at this time...unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to revert any of this." Jake felt Miles' body relax. "However, we do have a theory. We think it might help if Jake and Neytiri try to reconnect, or even you can join in-“

"No! Absolutely not!” A typhoon has surfaced. Miles tugged on his arm, moving him behind him. An infallible shield.

"You didn't even let me finish!"

“Because you're talking shit, Spellman! We didn’t agree to that. He'll do tsaheylu with only one person, and that is me!” Growling and claws digging into Jake's hip.

"Don't you think it's his decision though?" Max asked calmly but visibly irritated.

“If I were to do whatever Jake decided most of the time, you'd be consulting a corpse by now. Do you have any idea how many times I saved his life? I! Not you! Not her! I!"

“It's not what you think, Quaritch! No one is trying to break you up!"

“Then find another way, Spellman! Any other! Until then, we're done for the day! Come on, Jake!” Norm tried to say something else, but the words were drowned out by Miles' shaky growl. "We are done."

Quick steps. Hearts pounding. Even outside the air seemed quite thin.

"Fucking liars!"

"Hey! Calm down! At the end of the day, they want the best for us."

"Not you too, princess!" A finger over his lips. "Shut up for two minutes." Jake did as he was told. The Na’vi around them stopped their work to look at them, and he felt the old waves of shame.

"If I hear about this one more fucking time, I'll take you and Elyn and we'll get out of here..."

“We’re not doing that! No one’s forcing me to do that!…I won’t do it. I’m not risking losing you. Alright, love?” Jake kissed him, despite all the eyes on them. “Let’s go back inside and try to be open to other suggestions. Please! Please…”

The only additional suggestions they received was one, that Jake should never make any important decisions while under the bond's influence, and two, that they might consider in the future the possibility of both of them re-bonding with Neytiri. Otherwise, they had no other way to help him. Jake promised though that he would continue to do whatever testing they deemed necessary. All that was left was to continue living his life with those ups and downs.

—

Reintegrating Jake into the community was their next critical step. There were obstacles in this endeavor, but every day was a better one. What convinced him most to leave that metal box was the joy he felt when they reunited him with Bob, the flights with his ikran helping him tremendously to come out of his shell of fear.

The others got used to Miles' presence. They were both free to go anywhere and do whatever they wanted. Miles continued to change and be driven by his new kinder and more understanding side. He offered to go with the hunting party. He continued to improve his relationship with the children. Jake often heard him talking to Kiri about Eywa and the indirect connections to Her.

Miles trained with the boys in the mornings. Spider had requested this, and surprisingly, Lo'ak was eager to participate as well. He was teaching them hand-to-hand combat, but he caught them when Miles secretly taught them how to aim a gun properly and how to safely shot some rounds. "They can't protect themselves from what they don't know, Jake." And maybe Miles was right, but he still didn't feel comfortable knowing that his son might one day be out on patrol with a rifle in his hands. Jake caught another tender moment between Miles and Tuk when his daughter asked if she could climb on Cupcake's back. He helped her, then listened without interrupting as she talked about how she was gonna tame her own ikran and become a powerful warrior like her father.

Separately, Jake spent some of his afternoons with Neytiri and the baby, both reliving the joy of parenthood. Everything had changed but at the same time it was as if things were still the same. He remained close to her, they shared their sorrows, confessed to each other, and assured each other that they carried the same love in their hearts. The only change was that at the moment Jake no longer felt the desire to be intimate with her. Neytiri complied even though he noticed the glint of sadness in her gaze.

They took a big step when Jake convinced Miles to join them. "It will be good for the baby to have all three of us." It was better for Jake, because he wanted them both close so badly. Progress took small steps, today a word, tomorrow a touch, but after about two weeks Jake managed to make them feel at ease in each other's presence. Then, it was Neytiri who suggested the unimaginable, the one who took the most initiative and after many ugly looks, tails and snorts, they got Miles to agree. Kisses. Small kisses between her and the two of them. Nothing more. But it helped them remove another barrier and add another brick to that strange relationship they shared. Norm and Max were right, all three of them were connected in some mysterious way. Jake didn't want to exaggerate, but he was convinced that since they had accepted each other, both he and Neytiri felt better, were more present, more grounded in reality.

With him and Miles the situation was unchanged. The flame did not stop burning in intensity no matter how much time passed. What was difficult was to hide from everyone's eyes, from the dangers at every step. They barely managed to catch a moment alone. They still didn't have permission from Dina to have sex, but their creativity hadn't diminished either.

Tsaheylu, on the other hand, was indispensable. They planned their sweet moments of connection more than Elyn's meals. It might be an addiction, but it was the first healthy addiction in Jake's life, and Miles didn't seem too eager to break it either.

There were also bad moments, some when his emotions took over him, turning him into a completely different person. There were days when he wouldn't let anyone but Miles near the kid, fearing everyone and everything at every turn, seeing enemies where there weren't any. He became very possessive of his son. He had to know every second where he was, with whom, who was touching him, who was talking to him. He was so paranoid that when Neytiri brought his handmade knife back, he began to always keep it in his pants pocket.

Clothes were also a problem because everyone was trying to get him back to his old ways, to the Na’vi way, but he didn't feel like he could do it anymore. He could hide behind clothes, he could conceal all the scars and all the signs of the past. The most important thing for him was that he couldn’t see his horrible cut, the ultimate sign that he had failed, because no matter what Miles told him, the guilt he felt in his soul was eating him alive all the time.

Then there were moments when he lost himself, when an inner pain took over his body and mind. He couldn't explain it logically. It was as if all his bad memories exploded into one, completely devastating him. Dina suggested that it could me a form of Ptsd, but to him it wasn’t, it was a living nightmare. One second he was fine, and the next he was on the ground crying, wanting to be taken back to either hell or paradise. Once, Miles found him on the bathroom floor, his hands tied around his neck with a piece of leather, swinging back and forth.

"Do it better than me! Please! Only you can!” And he begged Miles again and again on his knees, his face weepy and glistening with tears and snot, and he would not stop begging until Miles had given him what he wanted. Jake believed that Miles had told the others about it, that they had somehow given him permission to accept his pleas. Regardless, the pain disappeared as Miles laid him down, immobilizing him, tying him up better and tighter than he could do alone, anchoring him with his body weight. He held Jake like that for several minutes, until the avalanche in his mind subsided. Sometimes they slept like this, with Miles holding him tight, a straight jacket made of meat and bones, and him falling asleep with his hands secured by soft leather, but those were the times when he felt safest. Other times, he avoided different meals only dreaming of his favorite dessert, but he only got a lecture, a sneaky little spanking in the bathroom, with Miles watching him afterwards to finish every last crumb of food they given him.

It was a whole balance that had to be carefully navigated. Physical activity helped a lot. Miles resumed his position as colonel from time to time, giving him orders left and right, and Jake complied gladly, best boots-licking type of soldier. He had to get him back in shape. They would do laps around the camp, make him do different physical exercises. Spider and Lo'ak sometimes accompanied them, wanting to show their support, and Jake could only be grateful.

Why they were not prepared, however, were the continued attacks of the RDA, which advanced dangerously close to them. And that brought other conflicts. Miles was willing to fight, but Jake wasn't willing to leave him alone out there, and Miles didn't want to see them both on the battlefield. "It's a slaughter. What would happen to Elyn if we both die or to your children?” They reached a compromise though, for Jake to come with them but stay and fight from as far back as possible, letting Miles take command of the operation. It was better than nothing. All of their plans of attack were done together and to everyone's delight, since Miles had joined them, they had won every time with extremely few casualties.

—

His blood was boiling in his veins with anger, the wind on his skin felt like whiplashes. Jake made it back to Camp first, then circled his ikran in waiting, his gaze fixed nonstop on the rocky crevice of the entrance. After too many minutes, the Na'vi returned, their shouts of victory echoing around the perimeter, but it didn't matter to Jake. He just wanted to sink his claws into Miles' throat.

Another minute and he almost flew back to them, but he stopped when his idiot of a husband appeared from behind the clouds, his reckless son riding on the same ikran. Jake would've killed them both. As soon as they landed, reason went down the drain. He punched Miles hard in the chest and pulled Lo'ak off the ikran by the neck.

"Stay here so I can look at you!" He checked the boy from head to toes. He managed to breathe normally only when he was convinced that Lo'ak was unharmed. "Why did you go out there? Did I say you could go? Look at me! Lo'ak, I'm not in the mood for this!"

“I did what he said, sir! I had my vest. I was with Miles the entire time! I never left his side…” His boy even painted his face, same colors and pattern he once wore into battle.

“Yeah, but Miles can’t keep you safe from bullets Lo’ak! A vest, won’t keep you safe from bullets in your legs, arms, skull…spine! You’re being reckless again!” The boy flinched at his words, stepping back until he hit Cupcakes’s side.

“Hey! Cut the boy some slack, princess! He was on his best behavior.” Miles stepped between the two of them.

“Don’t get into this, Miles!”

“Sir, it’s not fair! How can I learn to protect myself if you don’t let me out there?”

“He has a point, princess…” Jake could barely see Lo’ak hidden behind the mass of muscles standing guard in front of him.

“I’m not a kid anymore, dad!”

“You’re fifteen!” He pushed Miles aside, locking eyes with his son. “Lo’ak, no more going on dangerous missions! Ah- I don’t wanna hear another word! Wait until your mother finds about this…” With his tail between his legs, Lo'ak didn't dare to comment anymore. He sulked away from them.

“Hey Lo’ak, catch!” Metal flying in the air. Dog tags caught in the last second. Golden flames burning in young eyes.

“Wait... No way! Are those real?! Are these dad’s? This is so sick!… Ahm, thanks!” Miles grabbed Lo’ak by the shoulder, roughing up his hair.

“Get out of here. And boy…you did good today. Best second hand in command I ever had!” Miles took the dog tags and threw them over Lo'ak's neck. There was a certain smile plastered on Miles' face, one he had only seen for Spider. "Be careful not to lose them." One last pat on the shoulder and Lo'ak left excitedly.

“Where did you get those?”

“A birdy told me about them. I thought they’re better off with one of you than in a rusty cabinet.” That build up anger still flooded his veins.

“That doesn’t change what happened today. You don’t get to do that, to take my son out there in the war!”

“He was safe the entire time. You think I’d let anything bad happen to him?” The silence that had fallen between them felt uncomfortable. Jake didn’t brake eye contact.

“I’m grateful that you care about him, about all of them, but you have no idea Miles…what is like to lose a child. And I’ll never wish you know.”

“Jake… Fuck, princess! You want me to apologize? Fine. I’m sorry! He got excited to go. I got excited to take him with me. This doesn’t mean something bad will happen every time he’s out of your sight. You gotta stop pampering him!”

“ ‘Something bad’? My oldest son was killed, Miles, by a bullet of this war…but you can’t understand it because you haven’t lived it.”

“Jake, I do! I-“

“Imagine if that was Elyn…if he got up aboard a ship to save his brothers and never returned cuz a man fallowed blindly any orders given to him.” Jake tasted salty water, he saw blood staining his hands, heard painful last words.

Miles pulled him into his arms, the smell of fired bullets invading his senses. Pats on the back and sweet kisses on the forehead.

“I thought you said you moved on from this…”

“Well, I guess I’m a constant liar.” Jake tried to escape his grip, slipping under Miles' arm.

“Stop. Come back here!” Heavy hands holding him in place by the hips. “I’ll take care of them, alright? I'll make sure they're safe all the time.” But Jake didn’t answer, he tossed in the hold, still trying to get away. Fingertips brushing over the hem of his pants. “How are things going down there?” I’m still pissed at you, you son of a

“Everything healed.” He muttered between teeth.

“Good! Go fed the little one, put him to sleep and meet me back here when you’re done.”

“Why?” Miles grabbed him by the jaw, pulling him closer. Burning comets. Forced puckered lips.

“Because you sound kinda bitchy. Might as well do something ‘bout it.” He smirked and winked at him, sending him off with a slap to his ass. Jake went back inside mortified that someone might’ve seen that.

—

He barely saw where he was flying, fear coiling around his mind and bones. The eclipse was approaching. It was difficult to see what was in front of him, but he knew perfectly well what was behind.

When he landed in the vegetation, he didn't know where to run first. His legs blindly carried him forward. He had no weapon on him. He picked up his pace, staggering desperately toward the thicket near the lake.

He tripped over some weeds just before he could get lost among the leaves and tree trunks. Heart pounding in his chest, hummingbird wings, glassy gaze. Not now. Not like this. He's gonna kill me. He crawled on his elbows and stomach, wetting his clothes from the water droplets left from the rain.

A hand dug into his hair, the sharp blade of the knife at his throat, a knee pressing his body into the ground. Jake knew, it was the first lesson of the streets, in a knife fight you don't fight back. The only outcome is that you end up in a bag, cut into slices. He slowly raised his hands. He was shaking like a leaf.

"Don't do this!" The blade of the knife scraped his skin, a trickle of blood dripping on the blade. It then went up his neck, up, up, to his lips.

"Open your mouth!" Metal on his tongue, deep until he almost felt the tip in the back of his throat. "Bite on it!" He did it. Scratches on metal. He could feel tears pooling in the corner of his eyes. He was violently flipped onto his back, the knife almost sliding further down his throat. Hands tied with a thick rope above the head, around the trunk of a tree. "If you move from here, I’ll cut your legs, Sully!" But then it clicked. I have the knife now.

He kicked with his feet as hard as he could right when his legs were about to be tied too. He hit ribs, knee caps, anything he could touch, but then one of his feet got caught in the deadly grip, twisted ankle until he saw stars as bright as the ones painting the dark sky.

His pants were pulled down and thrown away. Rope over ankles and thighs biding them together. "Fight as hard as you want, you're not gonna get out of here." The knife was ripped from his mouth, replaced by fangs and a suffocating tongue. Shared saliva. Moans from above him. Fangs pierced his lip, scarlet kisses marking their heated mouths.

Quaritch stepped back, admiring what he had done, and Jake could only freeze, his gaze fixed on two consuming comets. "When I'm done with you, there won't be any doubt that you're mine." The hunter and the prey. The wolf and the lamb. Quaritch kept his word. His fangs dug into the sweet flesh of Jake's neck countless times, marking him. An animal for the slaughter. Bruises and scrapes across his collarbone, across his swollen chest, drops of milk running down his side like blood, sucked hungrily by soft lips, a mix of pain and pleasure. Slender fingers slid down his wet cunt, spreading the wetness on his clit and dick. "Someone's feeling good…" The sound of a zipper being pulled down. But Jake shook his head frantically, tugging on the restraints, struggling to break free.

"Don't touch-" A palm over his mouth stifled his little scream as the cock mercilessly split him in two. He didn’t want it. Fuck do it harder He whimpered and struggled every time the cock hit his cervix. The other hand wrapped around his dick, thumb and nails digging into the tip, messing with his piss hole. He screamed, trashing, unknowing how to stop him. Don’t stop don’t stop don’t you fucking dare stop. The knot kept nudging at his entrance and he felt terrified. Put it in already

“I’m gonna breed you so nicely. You're all mine.” Laughs and kisses near his ear. Skin burning alive. And that’s when his mind stopped working, when everything turned into a blur as moans and cries were ripped out of him with each hard trust and painful tug. Then, he felt electricity all over his body. Shared consciousness. One more thrust and the knot stuffed him to the brim. He came on the spot, muscles clenching, his cunt milking the cock with every impulse. Miles came shortly after, dragging on his orgasm, trembles of fear turned into ones of overstimulation.

But it wasn’t over. He was flipped again, face in dirt and grass, cunt and ass up in the air. Fingers filled him up, gathering cum and slick which were brought back to his mouth, past his lips, forced down his throat. He gagged on them.

“That’s it! Clean them nicely!” But he bit down, earning himself several slaps over his puffy cunt and clit. Tears mixed with mud, mind shattered to pieces. He wanted both to cry and cuss him out, and to beg for more and kiss his feet.

Miles fucked him again, taking him almost dry, the burn sending Jake into a static state. A drop of slick was smeared on his ass, fingers filling him one by one. His mind felt numb, he couldn’t think of anything, only focusing of the feelings.

“Stop! I’m sorry! Let me go…” Tail tugged harshly, a handful of his hair jerked to held up his head, turned to one side. His mouth got claimed too, choking on the poll of spit he received. Then Miles changed tactics. The hand that fucked him rested on his abdomen, fingers sinking into his flesh, seeking to draw the outline of the cock that was splitting his ass. He got fucked raw, eyes blown in the back of his skull, until he couldn’t distinguish between ’stop’ and ‘harder’. But that time, only Miles came, the knot plugging Jake to his core as he was forced to lay there under the massive man above him. It felt divine.

The soap bubbles burst the moment Miles started untying him, Jake whimpering at the realization it was over.

“Are you alright, princess? I know you’re tired but I wanna hear words.”

“I’m fine, love! More than fine… It was fucking amazing.” Jake reached forward to leave one more kiss on Miles’ soft lips. “Thank you!”

“Did I hurt you? Does anything hurt?” They were still connected, Miles’ fear pouring through the bond like a swirling river. Jake couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.

“Well, my ass is flaming. So thank you for that too.” Bubble of laughter. He got his nose pinched for a second and that started a whole war of pinches and scrapings of the others skin. The joyfulness dropped when he saw the spray can getting lowered to his cunt.

“Do we have to? I mean, I licked every single drop.” The long applicator entered him without any problems, almost close to his cervix.

“One baby is enough for now, kitten. Now, stay put.” It felt so fucking cold when he sprayed it. Miles did it two times to be sure. They waited a few minutes for it to take effect.

Jake looked up at the sky, at the torches of the night. He looked for constellations, traced their outline in his mind.

"Miles, can I ask you something?" A grunt and a kiss on his neck over the freshly closed bloody wounds. "Do you think I'm crazy for still wanting us to fuck like this?" A breeze of warm air passed over them. The night was quiet.

"If you are, then so am I, princess." Shades of blue everywhere, frames of memories clouding his mind from time to time, but he was used to them. Two hearts beating at the same time, doomed to death.

"The children keep insisting to know what we will do when Elyn can fly with us... and I have moments when I want to scream 'Do what you want! I only wanna go back to one place.'...And I know it's not normal." He remembered that old longing for home, like the one he'd experienced so many years ago, yearning for a house on the edge of town where suffering went hand in hand with joy. Miles stroked the long, white scar on his navel from end to end.

"If you want, we can do what you wished for a while ago. We can set it on fire."

"I think it might help..." And yet, why do I miss that place?

I miss it t oo sometimes, my little soul... That's where we really get to know one another. I got to see you, Jake.

Colored rays of nature reflected on the calm surface of the lake. Mirror images, vibrations through the marrow of his bones, hands clasped in that consuming serenity. A white dot caught his attention. An atokirana flew towards them on the current.

I would give my life for you.

Jake didn't know who had thought of it first, but it echoed in their minds.

I'd bury the world under red rivers just to know you're safe.

I'll be by your side for as long as this heart beats my love inside my chest.

I'll always cherish you.

I'll let the world and the whole universe burn before I ever lose you again.

You’re mine for eternity.

They suddenly got up at the same time and ran to the lake, bathing in the crystal clear water. He felt transparent threads holding him in place so he wouldn't sink first, and he let himself be guided by them. Laughter erupted as Miles splashed him with water from all sides. Hands on his shoulders, pushing him under the holy water of their spring of love, baptism of the soul. The pact with the devil had become something pure and sweet. He had given horns on promises, flaming tails on oaths.

He slashed the skin of his palm with his fangs, doing the same for Miles. The blood that started it all. Essence of life gathered in one easy grip. All words spoken and unsaid crossing two bridges, becoming one under the universe. Supernova in golden irises, destroyers of worlds and creators of long-lasting flames of life.

I swear all this to you.

Chapter Text

Time passed by him in an alarming way. Every day brought with it new challenges and more and more responsibilities, and this made him be so little aware of the speed with which life moved forward rapidly. He blinked and felt that their child had changed extremely overnight, although Miles always reminded him that he was still their little pea, the baby who would need them both for a very long time.

But with Elyn, Jake wanted to proceed in a different manner, raise him in ways he hadn't been able to with the other children due to the decisions made by him and Neytiri. She wanted to raise her children as close as possible to the Na'vi way, to Eywa, to their customs and to keep them away from human ones as much as possible. But with Miles, the story was different. Miles didn't want Elyn not to know earthly customs, not to be aware of the beings from which his parents had come, who they were in their souls. Because no matter how much they adapted, deep down, they will always be humans, and Elyn came from the souls of two humans.

One of the changes was to immortalize more moments from their lives, to leave something tangible in the future from their past, similar to his video logs from when he was human that the children sometimes returned to. That's what they were trying to do now, the first group picture of the Sully family that Elyn would be part of.

Norm's borrowed camera quickly became Elyn's favorite toy, clutching at it and trying to bite it every second. With a little luck and persuasion, Jake was able to get all of his family members together for a family photo. It was the thirteenth day of that month. It was a day of mourning, but Jake was prepared to turn it into a day of celebration.

Tuk was the most enthusiastic about the idea and Lo'ak the most reluctant. It would be the first family picture without his older brother in it. Even Jake had felt he was about to do something wrong, it seemed unfair for them to smile and immortalize a happy life. Miles encouraged him the most about leaving the pain behind. They could not all live endlessly in continuous sadness. They had to keep going forward.

With little tickles and quick kisses on the cheeks, Miles took the camera back from Elyn.

They all huddled together. The children with Neytiri, Spider, Jake with Elyn in his arms, but Miles stood aside, pointing the camera at them, and again, the past seemed to want to repeat itself without scruples in the bitterness of Jake's memories.

"Miles, leave the camera between the branches and get over here!"

"It's ok, princess. Everyone, a bit more to the left!”

"Miles..."

Jake hoped his look would be enough to change his mate's mind, but it didn't. It was time to play dirty.

"Look, Elyn wants you in the picture too."

The little one's hand waved dramatically with Jake's help, and as if on cue, Elyn began to squirm and whimper a little, disturbed by all the commotion around him.

"And Elyn isn't the only one who wants that." Kiri's sweet voice echoed over Jake's shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye he could see his daughter's outstretched hand. "It's a family picture. All or none.”

No one was saying it out loud, at least not in front of Jake, but he could feel the internal battle of everyone around him. Sometimes Jake could think clearly, see the burden he had brought with him, understand that somehow he had forced his family against their will to accept a difficult man with an equally difficult and tumultuous past. Another father to the children, a third partner in the remnant of the strange relationship between him and Neytiri, a new warrior for the people who had not long ago turned his guns in the wrong direction. Then there would be the rage in his thinking, because somehow it seemed to him that no one really saw Miles the way he did.

Miles took a step back at her words, unprepared to hear them, the blush on his cheeks clearly visible. He remained petrified, with his ears pinned back, as if wanting to hide behind the camera. More encouragement followed from Lo'ak, backed up by Spider. Miles muttered an "alright", fixed the camera and joined them. With no room for a refusal, Tuk found a place between the two of them. Lo'ak and Spider were on Miles' side, Neytiri and Kiri on Jake's. Another second and the flash blinded them all.

"One more, dad! One more!" Tuk demanded and of course the little girl got what she wanted and they took another picture.

"Da-d." Chuckles. "Dad." They all fell silent in surprise to hear Elyn speak his first word. Excitement erupted around them as the children tried to get him to repeat it. Miles was equally astounded. He took the little one from Jake's arms, and Jake was glad of it because, he was barely there mentally. His gaze was still fixed on the camera, memories playing before his eyes. Bubbles of a past that he could no longer hide from, that he could no longer make disappear into thin air. Sadness hit him hard, like a hammer smashing an eggshell. What if it’s gonna be the same? What if it’s useless to try and be this happy thing?… What if we die too, way too soon, way too quickly, as if we weren’t even here to begin with?

He got so distracted he didn’t notice that Miles was the only one still there with him. Soft pats on his cheek brought his attention back. Hugs, kisses and honey scent.

“What’s wrong, princess?” Jake bit his tongue, afraid to let the words out. He promised everyone he was better. He promised Miles that he’ll do his best to be closer to who he was before, “Is it about today?” Miles was still the only one to know the exact date Jake’s parents died, the only one to know everything there was to know about him. It was hard to deny the obvious.

“Yeah…” He eventually let out, fighting tears.

Then there was electricity, lots of it, pouring out through his veins, but in that moment, not even tsaheylu nor his younger personality made it better. On the contrary, it amplified his sadness. Crashing boulder over his soul.

“Don’t take it away.” Jake asked. “It’ll just come back in other form. I just…need a moment.” He silently cried for a while, until it felt like too little and he let out the sobs that were eating him from inside. He picked at his skin and Miles let him, tugged at his wrist scars, traced them, scraped on them with his nails. Miles waited for him patiently, guiding him mentally through it.

“You know, we can do something else today. We can put your plan to work, lit some fires.”

Jake was caught between the two barriers of their minds, captive on two lands that each pulled him in one direction. He rested his head on Miles' shoulder.

"It’d be a good idea.”

They didn't tell anyone where they were going. They hurried off, stopping only so Miles could sneak a can of diesel from the Camp. They flew, each on their own ikran, back to the place where it all started, and the journey there seemed to pass in an instant. Jake didn't know how he would react seeing himself there with Miles again, although the context was different. They were different.

 Sometimes he still feared that maybe those differences and changes between the two of them were just a lie, tailored by each in their own way as convincing as possible for the other. He had often wondered if he too was pretending so much that he no longer realized he was doing it, and if there would come a moment when he would break down, and the whole facade would fall like old walls of a fortress. A castle of lies. You trust in yourself and in him, in your love. He loves you! He wouldn't do all this if it wasn't true. No one would go through that for... for what? Jake flew closer to Miles. In profile, he was unrecognizable, no resemblance to the man he had been a year ago. He had adapted, changed, embraced parts of the culture, tried more and more every day to live as what he was created to be.

Although it had been quite some time since they had left that place, Jake recognized the landscape instantly, small shivers running down his spine. They flew in the same direction they came back from the Tree of Souls, when they first did the tsaheylu, when Jake found out they were going to have a child. However, nature had changed the way the place itself looked, taking over the land around the shack. When it came time to get off the ikran, Jake hesitated, his heart tightening in on itself, the drums shaking the balance in his ears.

The ground was no longer visible from the grass. The dead bodies of the soldiers that he knew were fallen, could no longer be seen by the vegetation, swallowed by greenery, roots and moss. The smell of blood was no longer in the air, but somehow, his brain made the stench of iron appear in his imagination. Jake flinched as Miles approached him to help him down. Comet upon comet, burning for different reasons.

“If you’re not ready, we can come back another time.”

“No… I can do this.”

Jake had the same feeling as when they left there for good. The shack seemed extremely small compared to how it had seemed at first. Everything had remained intact, a timeless metal bubble that wasn't going to burst anytime soon without a little help. He walked in cautiously, avoiding stepping on the raised banks of earth where the lifeless bodies were. Then the ground leveled down and he knew what he stepped on. His heart stopped. Miles took his hand in his, pulling him forward.

The door was left open, and that made the interior also occupied by nature. Dust, leaves and dirt covered the floor encrusted with blood stains. Three carcasses, three skulls, three bodies destroyed by animals and time lay in different parts, proof of his cruelty. Miles hurried to get them out, to remove that anomaly from their constant bubble.

Jake tried not to get carried away by his feelings, to distance himself from the memories and just observe. The mattress was still there, as were the handcuffs attached to the wall, the chairs, the surgical table, all those elements that he looked at with bitter-sweetness. He found Miles' holopad under the table. It was knocked down, a crack splitting the screen in two. Jake tried to start it to no avail.

“Do you think the generator is still working?”

“I can try to check, princess.”

Jake took the holopad and headed for the bedroom, completely ignoring the bunk room. A doorway, a look to the right and he was staring at the hole in the bathroom wall left by his fist. A second, a blink, and he could again feel the glass cutting flesh, he saw the drops of blood dripping on the floor.

The glass panel remained open, their bed being covered with leaves and dust. Suddenly the lights came on, the buzzing of the neon lights calming his agitated mind. A bit of pleasant familiarity. He left the holopad on the desk, in the charging dock, pushed the blanket aside and sat on the bed. Just before he closed his eyes, Miles entered the room with the canister behind him.

“Is it still comfortable, my little love?”

“The best bed I've ever slept on.”

Laughter and looks that wanted to say more than words could. Air drawn deep into the chest and looks under the eyelashes. The light outside gave Miles a golden aura, drops of gold on his curly hair, falling on his bare arms, where arm-bracelets that Jake had made adorned his skin. The choker made by the children also shone in the golden-blue combination. Jake concentrated, he looked beyond those ornaments, the new appearance, but no matter how hard he searched he saw nothing more but the person he knew would be with him forever.

The holopad suddenly lit up. Miles pulled it to the edge of the desk and sat down on the bed next to Jake. He typed in the password and the first thing they saw was a picture of Jake at night, in which his swollen belly was beginning to show well. A wave of uncontrollable emotions engulfed him seeing that image and he rushed to grab Miles' kuru. Two minds united as one.

“This was from the night you first took me to the lake.”

“Mhm.” Miles leaned down and kissed his forehead.

They continued to go through the pictures, devoting a few minutes to each of them. The more they went into the past, the more real and oppressive everything became. Jake saw himself withering away, more and more until they got to the pictures taken by Wainfleet, and when he saw how bad he looked, he hurried to delete the photo. His hand trembled across the screen. Miles kept trying to calm him down, but he didn't force him. Jake deleted all the bad pictures, then went into recordings and turned on the camera.

“What are you doing, princess?”

“I don't know... I felt the need to do it. Let it record.”

They both stayed in silence for a few minutes, each contemplating in his own way what that place had meant for the other. The good part was that they both shared happy memories. The calmness easily fell over the connection between them, and Jake was able to lose himself again in his good mood, in that world colored in too many tones of blue. A smile appeared on his face and out of nowhere, he grabbed Miles by the neck and started kissing him like there was no tomorrow.

“Jake...” Miles' voice was harsh.

“I want you.” Kisses and caresses and the hope that Miles will accept if he asks nicely.

“We don't even have what we need.”

“Do you think I care? I’m serious when I’m saying that I want more children with you.” But Miles wasn’t having it. He pushed Jake aside, keeping him still by the wrist.

“It ain’t happening. Not like this,” he said pointing at their united kurus. “and not in this place.” Jake sensed it through the bond, a fear that consumed Miles from within. Anger at himself for what he did before, and Jake melted into the feeling. “I don’t want you to ever feel threatened by me again.”

“I’m not afraid of you. It won’t make me tumble down into madness or whatever you think’s gonna happen.” He tilted his head to let soft kissed under Miles’ jaw. “It might be good, really, really good.” But yet again, he was meat with refusal as long with invisible strings, and before he know it, he was pinned down in the mattress by Miles’ will.

“Drop it! You want us to fuck, we fuck at home, not in this fucking…” Miles hit the holopad with his hand, dropping it to the floor. A loud crack and a short buzz. He broke it.

“…I don’t want you to fuck me…” Jake barely whispered the words, heart sank low, pleading eyes and a raised tail. The cat and mouse game was shared between their minds, as well as claw marks, fists, sharp fangs, cries, begs, unwillingness. Come on, you know what I really want.

His chin was grabbed hard, claws digging into his flesh, his head brought forward to the burning comet. The hope. Jake thought he might have convinced him, but Miles growled at him. Submit! Submit! You are his.

“That is for our fantasy and only for that! Don’t make me repeat myself!”

“We can be careful!”

“Jake, I told you someth-“

“Or what? Ha? What will you do?” He waited for something, anything, but Miles just stared at the broken holopad in his hands. “That’s right. You won’t do shit now, cuz you’ve grown too soft.” Jake grabbed the holopad and snapped it in half just before Miles could stop him, throwing the pieces across the room into the glass panel. “I can piss on your comfort too.”

“Little brat…” He heard Miles say under his breath before he grabbed him by the middle and throw him right back on the bed on his belly, ass up in the air as his pants were lowered. Strings holding him in place. Jake didn’t know if he should be angry or amused, but the confusion turned soon enough into pain and small cries as Miles spanked him raw. Hit after hit until his skin heated up under the touch. Sting and pain. Fingers opening his cunt up, driving him crazy with every hard thrust. Let me come please please please. Miles stopped just before he reached that sweet high.

“You act bratty, you get treated accordingly! Get up! We need to get this over already, it’s getting late.”

The connection between them was finally interrupted, suddenly, without hesitation, another punishment. An uninterrupted silence of that place, but the walls seemed to speak. It was strange to say goodbye for the last time, as strange as the way he could constantly notice every detail that had escaped him before, every peculiarity that he had not had the chance to identify before. There were scratches on the floor made by him a long time ago, small forgotten blood stains were still visible, most of them in the place where their fists had given a show, perfect for framing. Jake clung to such small things but he couldn’t understand why he did it, what attracted him so much to them, like a spell, a curse. We will always be meant to turn towards violence. It's in our nature.

Soon the smell of diesel covered every other smell in the air, Miles wafting it through every room all the way to the generator. A spark was all they needed to wipe away that chaos, but a certain hesitation still floated around them. One last slow lap. Jake was then fascinated by something else. The handcuffs lured him like flames to moths. He ran his fingers over the ones attached to the table, testing the metal, admiring the shine conferred by the silver tones. A clink and one closed around his wrist. A prayer turned upside down in his mind, then an attempt. He pulled on it, with all his strength, until he thought it would cut through his flesh, but that didn't happen, and the metal bent. He removed his hand with more ease than he would have imagined.

“All this time... it would’ve been so easy to just break out of them…”

Miles came to him, also inspecting the showcase of power. Antitheses.

“At first, yes, from these ones, but not from the ones on the wall... Fear kept you in place.”

That ignited something inside him, a determination. Jake sat down, took one of the shackles and attached it to his leg.

“Jake, we have to go, love.”

“I just want to see something.”

The chain stretched, and he pulled again as hard as he could. Helplessness gripped him like a claw when he saw that no matter how hard he tried, he could not free himself. He was out of breath. He tried again, and again. His ankle was burning, his muscles hurt so much when he tensed up, ready to break his leg in two if necessary.

“Jake, it’s enough. Let's go!” A scream of anger and exasperation. It's a chain, just a damn chain. It's metal. You are stronger than this. “Jake! Stop it!” Miles untied it and fastened it around his own wrist, pulling hard with both hands. Nothing moved, nothing broke. “See, not even I would’ve gotten out of this... Let's get out of here!”

Miles had to pull him from there almost carrying him in his arms, but Jake still didn't feel ready to leave. He clung with his hands to whatever he could get his hands on until they reached the entrance, and he remained in the door frame, one foot inside and one outside. He had the impression that something was missing, that it was slipping through his fingers like sand. And maybe it was the fear of leaving things behind that haunted him for so long. The difference was that he felt sure that he would not soon forget anything that happened between those walls.

They went out together in the end, hand in hand as always. Jake stepped back while Miles ignited the spark that fed the flames to grow. Fractions of a second and everything was engulfed in flames, a consuming dance rising to the sky. It seemed pure, pious, a ceremony in a sacred place. Jake sat down on his knees and watched everything disappear before him. He extended his palm in front of him, wanting to touch that power. Miles came up behind him, sitting next to him on his knees. He grabbed Jake by the shoulders. Prayer to the stars.

Their eyes met, the fire amplifying the glow of the burning comets. The constellations were also on fire. Everything was burning, but there was no room for ashes, only freedom.

“I love you, Jake!” At that moment, he could not have heard anything purer. He joined their minds once more.

“I love you too!”

For forever. Until it all ends.

Jake looked up towards the stars and he found the sparkling dot from where none of them will set foot again. Somewhere on Earth there were two graves that would never be disturbed, mirroring two graves on Pandora that had finally found peace. A resurrection could have several appearances, and the two of them had died and returned in soul and mind as different persons, connected to each other at the same time. A metamorphosis of two different beings into one entity. In each one of them there was goodness, but also that undeniable darkness, the balance of all the things that represented them. A word passed through Jake's mind, mirrored by their consciousnesses in an infinity of images and vibrations. Soulmates. And maybe that's what they've been all this time, two souls forever destined to lose each other and find each other until they found that balance of co-existence.

They stayed there for a while, until they made sure that the fire would consume most of the things, that all that would remain would be an insignificant metal skeleton, hints of a corner of hell disguised in paradise. Something in both of them was released, an inner peace emerging like a soft blanket around them. In his mind, Jake thanked, but he didn't know who exactly, if to Eywa, to God, to the universe, but one of all these had listened.

“You’re alright, little soul?”

Bright yellow fracturing on to the deep shade of blue.

“I am.”

__

Their plan worked. Clans from all over Pandora, from different regions, united in a single purpose under the call of Toruk Makto, gathered to defeat and win once and for all the war between humanity and the Na'vi. The answer was astonishing, they couldn't believe how much mobility the clans had. But their war-cry was strong and impactful. To convince a crowd, you had to go in person, so that's what he and Miles did, with Elyn following them.

“We fight for our children!” Jake told them, carrying Elyn in his arms through the crowds. “We are fighting for them to have a future! We are fighting to take back what is ours, to show humanity that this land belongs to us and that no one and nothing has the power to take it from us!”

Little by little, they destroyed several human hideouts, branches of the ever-expanding octopus. Bridgehead had to be attacked several times, destroying the metal beast piece by piece until the pillars of humanity fell. The advantage was that they knew when to retreat, when to gather their strength and strike again unexpectedly.

It was one of those days when Jake couldn't join them on the battlefield, the circumstances forcing him to stay behind, to wait with bated breath for their return. He trusted Miles and his military decisions, but he would be lying if he didn't admit that he was still terrified of what people could do. The fight face to face could be balanced up to a certain point.

When the war party returned, Jake felt sick. Miles was injured, his skin being punctured in various places, his face and body covered in blood. So much blood. Jake barely saw where he was going, bumping into the people around him, desperate to get to his mate quickly.

“Miles, love, tell me it's not yours. Please...”

Hands all over his body, searching, feeling for bullet holes and their exits, and Miles hissed through his teeth when Jake touched a gash on his abdomen.

“I’ll be fine. The bastards won't knock me down just from this...” But when he wanted to take a step forward, he fell, Jake catching him at the last moment before his face met the ground.

“Miles!”

“Calm down! I'm just a little dizzy.”

Norm and the others saw them in the crowd and rushed to help them. Miles felt worse than he let it be seen, so he was immediately taken to be consulted and bandaged. In the frenzy created by the event, Jake was brought back to reality when Lo'ak suddenly bumped into him, his son nervously walking past him.

“Hey! What's up with you? Are you ok?”

“...You should ask someone else that.” Jake had never heard Lo'ak use that tone.

“Come back! I'm talking to you, don't turn your back on me.”

Lo'ak stopped and turned with difficulty on his heels, looking away, frustration clearly visible on his face. Jake flinched when he saw his hands covered in blood.

“Are you gonna talk?”

“Mom, dad! Mom! They shot at her with a machine gun and sliced her back and tail... But you only have eyes for one person.” Tears streamed mercilessly down Lo'ak's face. Jake was trying to understand the meaning of all those words.

“You mean that Net...God! Where-“

“You promised me!” Lo'ak growled, his voice stopping the Na'vi around them in their tracks. “You gave me your word that you will always love her and protect her... but that's not the case.”

“Lo'ak, don't say that. Come on, son, take me to her!”

There were enough moments in his life when he felt the earth shaking under his feet, and no one and nothing can prepare you for them. You never feel like you can face a new tragedy, and when he walked into the MedBay and saw Miles and Neytiri next to each other, undressed, covered in bandages, with Dina and her assistants swarming around them, stitching and dressing wounds, something in him broke in two. Lo'ak immediately jumped to his mother's side, encouraging her as best he could.

Neytiri was lying on her stomach, her back full of blood. Dina was the one sewing her tail. Short whimpers and screams were drowned out by the pillow she was biting hard on. Jake moved next to Lo'ak, between the two beds, but this time his attention was only on her.

“Net, baby, you're gonna be fine. We’re here with you.”

“We won, MaJake!” She was in pain, but her face was beaming with joy. “There’s no one left.” He took her hand and kissed her knuckles, running the other through her tangled hair. Jake wanted to take away all her pain, to shatter it, so that she would never feel this again. Involuntarily, his hand reached for her kuru. A decision. He felt drawn to her, his hand pulsing over her kuru.

“Jake, don’t!” Miles’ voice scared the living hell out of him. He dropped her kuru and backed away. “Get over here!”

“Dad…” Lo’ak wasn’t having it. He put himself between Miles and Jake. “You promised.”

“Jake, don’t make me- shit…get over there.”

Neytiri screamed again. Lo’ak kept talking. Miles was already verbally fighting whoever was taking care of his wounds. Dina was mumbling something. There was so much going on and he didn’t know what to do. Why do I still have to choose? Her or him…him or her…

All of a sudden, Norm’s voice was louder than everyone’s in the room. He kept calling for Jake.

“Buddy, you really need to see this!”

“I can’t just leave, they-“

“They’re on good hands, Jake. Come on, this is really important!”

One thing they kept doing in the areas where they won the battle, was to collect things that could still be useful, most of them being technological pieces for the laboratory and research of his friends. But they had a goal in mind, they kept trying to find solutions for Jake and Neytiri, and that day Miles hit the jackpot. He found and returned an entire pallet of amrita.

“That changes everything, Jake. We would have a chance to fix things.”

“And if it doesn't work?”

“In the worst case, you are left with only the basic properties and you slow down your aging process a little.”

That didn't sound so bad to him. The age difference between them still stressed him out for a long time, although he had avoided confessing it to Miles. And it wasn't about numbers or appearance, but about the fact that he felt death breathing down his neck quicker and this thought devastated him.

“All right. We try everything.”

Unfortunately, their experiments did not bring results, it was a failure for what they had tried to stop. His and Neytiri's minds were still trapped in those anomalies. Max and Norm didn't give up though, they allocated time every day for more research on this subject. Jake wanted to continue the amrita administration. Besides the fact that it kept his cells in place in that stage of life, they found out that it helped his reproductive system a well, increasing his fertility level. That was everything he needed to hear before he decided to ask for injections with the miraculous substance for days in a row.

As the days passed, the health of Miles and Neytiri improved. When Jake went to see them one morning, he met Lo'ak halfway there. His son seemed better, but something was clearly still bothering him.

“Did you come to see mom?” He asked suddenly.

“I came to see both of them.”

“Of course...What a stupid question, right?” Lo'ak leaned against the wall, refusing to meet Jake's gaze. In the artificial light, the scar on his leg where Miles had stitched up his wound was visible. A reminder that the so-called demon also had wings.

“Lo'ak, talk to me. Tell me what really upsets you.”

“Isn't it obvious?” It pained him to see Lo'ak behaving like that, but he felt too tired to fight against the tide any longer. He had to remain calm and understand.

“Look, I was wrong. Maybe I haven't always managed my time equally for all of you. I will try to be more present, ok?”

“It's not about that, dad! I'm not an idiot, I know Elyn needs you more than any of us now. I know that Miles is your mate and that I shouldn't have any more claims that you-…“

“Lo'ak...” A weak punch to the wall next to him. Bitten lips. Nervous tics stolen from him and his mother.

“I miss you! I miss my brother!... I miss waking up in the morning with all of you around like before. I would give anything for life to be like it was before we left the forest...”

Jake hugged him tightly. Hearts on hearts. Lo'ak clung to his neck with his hands, as he used to do when he was little. They rocked in place, letting that pain drain out of them. Out of the corner of his eye, Jake noticed someone standing at the MedBay entrance. Miles watched them, little Elyn clinging to his pants. He had learned to walk. When he noticed their faces, Elyn hurriedly walked towards them.

“Blothel.” Elyn clung to Lo'ak's leg with one hand, the other pulling on his loincloth, asking to take him in his arms. Immediately his brother lifted him into the air, hiding his face in the little one's curls, rocking him gently.

Miles cleared his throat and slowly approached them. One wrong step, one word out of place and Jake knew it could end badly.

“I thought ‘bout it and I was thinking that, I don't know, in a week or so, we can pack everything and leave here. The doc says that sea water would do us all good.”

“Sounds great.” Jake added. “We happen to know just the place, don’t we?” He nudged Lo'ak lightly, but he didn't react.

“What do you say kid?” Nothing. Not a word. Elyn was playing with Lo'ak's braids, tugging at them, trying to get one with the beads in his mouth.

Comets over his son's shoulder. None of them knew what to say to improve the situation. Jake felt like he was surviving in the trenches again. Suddenly, salvation appeared and had the appearance of a goddess. Neytiri grabbed Miles by the hand and pulled him towards the boys.

“Mothel.” Elyn cooed, but he preferred to stay in his brother's arms.

“We will go back to your brother, my boy. You will see your friends again... The girls are also delighted to return. Kiri changed her mind, she wants to go back to learn more from Ronal.”

“We're going indefinitely, kid.” Miles added, trying to flash one of his charismatic smiles. “I spoke with your mother and...for the good of all of us, we’ll get over our differences. We’ll be a family.”

“We'll pretend.” Lo'ak finally said.

“No, son.” Jake interjected. “We’ll work together and see this through. And you, you’ll always have me and your mother. We'll be there whenever you need us, Lo'ak… What is our greatest strength?”

“To be together.” He murmured.

“That's right. Sullys stick together.” Jake hugged his children. He had been missing enough from their lives, he had been distant and cold for too long. It was time to change everything, to leave no doubt about how much they all meant to him.

Neytiri and Miles hugged them too. A circle of affection. That's what Jake had wanted all this time.

“But you, are you one of us now, for real?” Miles was caught a little off guard by the question. Glances between him, Neytiri and Jake, which in the end fell on Elyn and his sweet smile.

“Miles Sully doesn't sound that bad.” They all laughed and in the end, Lo'ak gave in and joined them.

“I just want us to be happy.” Lo'ak confessed, hugging his brother tighter, covering his forehead with kisses.

“We will be.”

__

He walked on the copper sand that broke into thousands of crystal shards on the edge of the seashore. The sun had remained suspended somewhere between sunrise and sunset. He knew he wasn't alone, somewhere behind him he could feel the presence of other people, but he couldn't look away. In front of him, sitting on the sand, the foaming waves lapping against his smaller body, was his brother, calmly gazing out at the sea. There was a smile on Tommy's face that looked more like their mother's than ever. "You did it, little brother." Tommy motioned for him to sit down. "Did I really?" Clear crystals at their feet. "You got your life back, Jake." He could see his shadow accompanied by two more. "And now what, Tommy?" His brother laughed as if the answer was obvious.

People from across the beach waved at them, a man and a little kid. Orange lights cast upon blue skin. “Now you just live life, little brother.” Jake got up and walked towards them, leaving Tommy and the two shadows behind. “Enjoy it for all of us!” He heard over his shoulders, but when he looked back his brother was gone.

__

It became easy over time to make different trips, divided between two worlds, between the forest and the reef, but he would have done anything to know his family was happy and if that was the price, it was an insignificant one. However, they planned their trips to coincide with important moments such as birthdays or festivities. They tried to offer Elyn a little bit of all the worlds, to manage and be in connection with the ocean and its fauna, but to be in balance with the Omatikaya culture and their customs. It was exhausting at times, Jake had to admit, but with the RDA defeated, he knew at least their planet was safe from that point of view. Elyn would grow up without knowing wars, battles, losses, and both of his parents hoped that this would never change, that humanity had given up forever to obtain something that did not belong to them.

That day they were on the road again. They stopped for a few hours near the clan so that the little one could enjoy moments with the people and his grandmother, although it was still difficult to explain to Elyn that Mo'at was not really his grandmother. But Jake was extremely happy when she accepted Elyn and Miles under her protection, as much as he was happy when she allowed Miles to take part in the Dream Hunt.

There were moments when Jake was extremely afraid, Miles being on the verge of death in that whole experience. But Miles passed the test, he became a man in front of the clan, he was accepted as one of their own. Another rebirth, one with the greatest significance. And when Elyn had his first communion with Eywa, Miles joined him, the Great Mother showing kindness and forgiveness to new sons in her heart.

With all those trips, Elyn's birthday started to be celebrated early, and that year was no exception. The Na'vi people did not celebrate birthdays, but rather life in itself, but living with the Sully family around, the Metkayina clan heard and observed certain different traditions, so Elyn often received near his birthday various ornaments from the children of the clan. Then there was the love and gifts from his family, each trying to come up with unprecedented things to make the little one happy.

Tuk was the one who offered him the most beautiful ornaments and the one who had the most patience in trying to get his brother to sit and braid his hair, but so far no one had succeeded, braids being a big 'no' for the little one . With Neytiri and Kiri he laughed the most. They told him all kinds of stories and legends, and now, since he understood more about the world around him, he was most excited to hear the story about his father and the great Toruk again. Since Elyn had started walking and standing well, Spider and Lo'ak took him on all kinds of adventures, disappearing for hours, returning all the time full of leaves and dirty but with smiles from ear to ear . On his birthday, Lo'ak took him to show him unseen places, found by him and Tsireya.

The joyfulness continued when they arrived at the new camp established by his friends, a quiet place and easier to access from the foothills of the Hallelujah Mountains. Norm, Max and Dina were delighted to have the little one there, every year preparing a little party for him, where Elyn got all the attention from the people. Dina always prepared a cake for him, although they often fought to stop Elyn from eating the whole cake by himself. They sang 'Happy birthday' to him and he was surprised to learn that that song is sung only once a year. It had been equally difficult for Jake to begin to make the little one understand that he is part of several cultures, that some things are done like Na'vi and others like humans. “But you don't look like humans.” he replied when Jake corrected him on the matter one time, slightly frustrated and tearful, and Jake had to try to explain that his fathers had once been humans too. It was still hard for him to grasp the concept. They found him once looking for their human bodies, as he thought that his fathers can still jump from one body to the other like Norm and the others did. Something about that broke Jake’s heart a little.

At the end of his actual birthday, he and Miles would take Elyn to the lake and let him play surrounded by that divine landscape. That’s where they were now, waiting for Miles, who had returned to the camp to get something apparently. The sky was already full of stars, it was quite late, but Elyn was wandering around the lake full of energy. Jake caught his attention with what he knew would fascinate his son as much as he did when he was his age. Stars. He looked at the constellations with Elyn, and was pleasantly surprised to see how many he already knew.

“Let's see, do you still know how to find Earth?”

“Yes, yes!” He shouted excitedly. “I'm looking for the North that's right there.” He pointed with his little index finger. “Then...the three stars sticking together, like us.”

“Like us.” Jake repeated, a melancholy in his voice. He ran his hand through the boy's curly hair and remembered blond locks and blue eyes.

 “And there next to them, dad, is Earth.” His colorful laughter erupted when Jake kissed his face.

“You’re my smart boy. I can't believe you are four years old.”

“I turned five!” Elyn answered very outraged at Jake's so-called mistake. Before Jake could say anything else, Elyn jumped out of his arms, running towards the ikran that had just landed. “Father!” Miles hugged the little one and put him on his shoulders. Two drops of water. The older he grew, the more Elyn looked like Miles.

They sat down at the edge of the lake, with Elyn between them. In that calm, everything felt perfect, an ideal achieved after too much time.

“I have a present for you, my little soul.” Soft kisses on his lips.

“Can I see too? Can I?”

“Of course, champ.” Miles pulled out a folded piece of paper from the back of his pants. “I just hope I didn’t ruin it…” He carefully unfolded the paper and held a photo between his fingers. Another kiss before handing it to Jake. Stars looking at stars. “Thank you for giving me this wonder of a child.”

Jake froze when he realized what he had in his hands. He would never have thought that he would see that photo again. It was the picture taken by his father, with him, Tommy and their mother in it. Tears came of their own accord, and Jake let them flow.

“Is it a bad picture, dad?”

“No! No, Elyn. These...these are tears of joy. Miles how did you find this?” Elyn wiped the tears from his face and held the photo too, looking at it better.

“I didn’t exactly find it. Last month we went back to recover files from Bridgead and apparently Spellman knows more about computers than I imagined. I knew those bastards owned everything that was sentimental to us, and I was right...He printed it for me and I thought you wanted it back.”

“Thank you so much!” He looked at the picture again and his heart was filled with a good energy. In a way, he felt them close to him just by looking at that image.

“Who is she, dad?” Jake pulled Elyn onto his lap.

“Do you remember that I told you that your name comes from your grandmother, my mother?” Elyn nodded. “That’s her. That's Jocelyn.”

“Human.” Elyn whispered immediately. “She’s beautiful... And who’s this?”

“The one on the left is my twin brother, Tommy, your uncle, and the one on the right is me. I was almost the same age as you.”

“You looked so strange, dad.” Elyn suddenly got up and took the photo with him. He pressed the edge to Jake's face, comparing. “Where are they now? Why don't they come to visit? Is it because you don't look like them anymore?”

As if Miles could feel the tension in Elyn's question, he discreetly lowered his hand to Jake's back, joining their kurus. Calmness returned.

“No, son. They’re on Earth. All the way up there.” That was all he could say about the subject.

“Then, maybe we’ll go to them one day.” Strings clung to Jake, keeping that numbness from his mind floating around. Second nature.

“Elyn, eyes on me, kiddo! I haven't heard a single word from you in Na’vi today.”

The perfect distraction from the subject. Elyn's use of language was the new confrontation, because recently he preferred to speak much more in English than Na’vi and Jake was afraid that it would be a problem in the future.

“Say, do you know how old I am?” asked Miles switching the language.

“You're...twenty-six, father.” Elyn replied with a pout on his face in Na’vi, Miles' southern accent coming through in his words.

“And Jake?”

“Dad’s forty.”

“And which number is bigger?”

Elyn avoided answering, even though they both knew the youngest knew the answer, those around them made sure to often point out their age difference. It was going to be even funnier in years to come, when their son would realize what the real difference between his parents was. Forty. It sometimes felt like a dagger. Life moved on much too fast, and all those differences brought with them more difficulties.

Tuk sometimes felt too old to play so often with her much younger brother. Kiri was preparing to be a tsahik, side by side with Tsireya, and besides that, she was helping Spider adapt to his new avatar body that had successfully grown after so many years. Norm and Max had felt that this was the least they could offer him after all that difficult childhood as the first human child born on Pandora. Lo’ak had also become an adult in all respects, and the responsibilities of being Toruk Makto's eldest son did not escape him. As much as he wanted his son to make room for his baby brother, he was afraid that, pretty soon, sooner than he would like to think of, Lo’ak will be busy taking care of his own children. All this dynamic had offered Jake only one option for change.

“Daaad?” He was going to ask for something he probably wouldn't get from Miles. That was Elyn's game. When he really wanted something, he immediately came to Jake, with his big and hard to refuse eyes, but when he was in trouble, he ran to Miles first, knowing that his father would be looking away from many of his tricks and misbehaviour.

“What is it?”

“Can I go play at the lake? I enter the water only up to here.” He sighed dramatically touching his knees.

The escape hatch for Jake and his own gift. Miles flinched slightly as the thought dawned on him.

“Alright. A few more minutes and then we'll go back. It's very late, you should’ve slept by now.”

Elyn didn't wait for confirmation anymore, he took on a happy run towards the water. In their small and fragile bubble of privacy, Miles allowed himself to pull Jake into his lap, sweet kisses trailing down his neck. Jake could barely control his excitement, which he was trying so hard to keep hidden from Miles.

“So… a gift, ha?”

“Mhm. And know that yours couldn’t come at a better time. That's why I stopped believing in coincidences.”

A light bite on his shoulder.

“Stop keeping me on my toes, princess.”

Jake took a deep breath and plucked up the courage to pull his own piece of paper from his knife holder. Dina had insisted on taking a holopad with him, but this was perfect, it was easy to hide, it was physical evidence. He also broke their connection. He needed full control over his mind, to be able to grasp his mate’s reaction accordingly. Jake handed it to Miles and waited, and waited a little more, and when he turned his head he noticed that his mate was frozen in place.

“Is this real?”

“As real as me and you.”

“Wait! Am I seeing right?...Jake...It's...They're two… Twins.” Hearing Miles say it out loud made Jake fully aware that it was real and not a dream. “Since when do you know?”

“I found out about two weeks ago. I started to feel sick in the morning and I asked Dina to do a scan. She’s the only one who knows and now... you know too. Are you excited?”

“Is that really a question coming out of your mouth, princess? Come here!” Lava kisses and comets burning all consuming. Their hearts beating to the same crazy rhythm. “Twins...” Miles repeated again and both of their breaths hitched. A faint wave of fear flowed through the bond.

“I’ll be careful. I’ll do everything Dina says so that everything turns out perfectly. You have nothing to fear, Miles.”

Miles looked at the sonogram with teary eyes. Jake knew how much they both wanted that miracle to happen again, because in the last years they had tried several times to increase their family without success. Miles had even given up on the idea at one point, resigned that Elyn would be their only child, but Jake couldn't accept that. He prayed many eclipses in a row to Eywa and in the end his prayers were heard.

“Everything is gonna be fine, Miles.”

“I love you so much, Jake! So, so much…”

“Dad, look! Look!” An atokirina flew above Elyn and no matter where the boy jumped, the seed was drawn towards him as if attracted by a magnet. “It’s following me.” He chuckled happily.

“Elyn, come on, say ‘good night’ to dad and get a move on. Enough adventure for today.”

“But, father!”

“Don't make me tell you twice, young man.”

With his tail between his legs, Elyn took small steps towards the ikran, glancing at the lake from time to time in the hope of impressing one of them, but the boy's antics were too well known.

“Are we gonna tell him, princess?”

“Let today be fully about him. We’ll tell him tomorrow. Together.” Jake ran his fingers over Miles’ arm, over the tattoo on his finger where normally a ring would be placed.

“Wait for me here.” Miles murmured to Jake. “I'll take him back and I'll return to thank you properly for this surprise, my little soul.”

One last warm kiss followed by a hug from the boy. Just as they were about to leave, Miles turned one more time towards Jake.

“Oel ngati kameie, Jake.”

“I see you, Miles.”

They left. Jake lay there on the grass, staring at the sky. In his hands he held both pieces of paper, the past, the present and the future in his palms and he could only rejoice and smile that finally their life was free of danger.

Jake thought about how it all started, what they went through to get here, at the point where they had everything. He realized that he would not have changed anything in his life, not a single thing. Everything happened for a reason, every good and bad detail led to the wonderful life they had now.

The atokirina that followed Elyn reached him. The eternal divine message from Her. He thanked Her once more in his mind for everything he had received. Then he turned his gaze to the little white dot in the sky, where that once meant 'home.' He hugged the pictures tighter to his chest and let his mind fly to the memories of the life there, to think about them with joy and to be grateful for that life left behind but never forgotten.

A light breeze passed over the mirrored image of the lake, the torches of the sky watching and protecting him. They were all together and that was all that mattered. They were going to be fine, no matter what life threw their way. As long as they stayed together, they would always come out of the darkness and inevitably see the daylight again.

Chapter Text

Flying would always feel like second nature to him, as pleasant and exhilarating as walking and running. In the gusts of the wind, carried by the air currents, above the vast sky, below the boundless Pandora. It was pure freedom, it was his way of avoiding everything that troubled him. Lately there were enough things to make him uneasy.

At only fourteen years old, Elyn already knew that his life could not compare to that of any other Na'vi on Pandora. The child of the great Toruk Makto and the merciless Colonel, who through a miracle from Eywa, they found peace and love for each other. He had heard this story all his life, he had grown up with it and with songs about how the Na'vi defeated the demons that brought Pandora to her knees. He also knew that he was lucky to grow up in a large and loving family. If you were to ask him, sometimes, it was a little too crowded.

He was grateful for everyone, his fathers, his mother, even though he knew Neytiri wasn't his actual mother, like Mo'at wasn't really his grandmother, and how Spider and Kiri weren't really his siblings either, though his father would argue on the last one. But Elyn didn't care about those things. His dad had taught him that sometimes the bonds between people did not have to be connected with the blood carried in the veins. On this principle, he was equally attached to uncle Norm and aunt Dina and their little girl, who was close in age with him, to uncle Max and to all his parents' close friends.

He never forgot to remember his family on Earth, his grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins, about whom his fathers spoke many times, especially on certain important days. His only regret was that he could not meet those who were still alive. His dad taught him about the traditions they did for those who were no longer there, and Elyn did not hesitate to imitate some, like when he learned to make candles, taking them to his secret place among the rocks, near the shores of the Awa'atlu village. He would light them and watch the flames consume themselves, sadness clouding his mind as he realized that humans did not have the Na’vi advantage, to stay connected beyond death, as he did with his eldest brother Neteyam.

Elyn was also grateful for the gift that Eywa had given him. Maybe it wasn't as impressive as what Kiri could do, but everyone around him reminded him how amazing it was to be able to connect with Pandora's beings without tsaheylu. “It's your secret weapon.” His dad had told him once. To everyone's surprise, his gift had no limits, and he managed to create lifelong bonds with unexpected animals and with many people around him.

It was the time of the year when they were spending their months in the forest, reconnecting with his mother's clan, and for Elyn it was the right time to reconnect with an old friend of their family. The sky seemed boundless to him, a jump in the void while flying on his ikran. He called out, announcing his presence and waited, looking and searching for the huge shadow across the forest. “Always surprise him from above.” His dad joked, slightly scared when he found out what his son could do when he was still just a child, barely reaching Jake's waist. And since then, that's what he's always done. One jump, one loop in the air, and he fell from the ikran onto Toruk's back.

“Hey, buddy! Missed me much?”

Toruk was the one who accepted Elyn, the one who looked for him, as if he knew from the very beginning whose child he was, and over time Elyn thought that maybe Toruk missed his dad. Jake Sully would always remain Toruk's true rider, the bond between the two of them being incapable to destroy. But Elyn could sneak a little into that bubble, fill the place left by his dad. With Toruk, every flight was smooth and harmonious, but the places where they decided to fly were not so good.

Elyn's fascination with the past and the world that was before, of the Great War, only grew with him, like a set-free fire difficult to control. The problem was that no one ever told him the exact true story, they just repeated the same songs and short narrative threads, no matter who he asked. His parents had experienced this, they were right there in the middle of it all, but none of them would let him see beyond the surface of the story. And he was old enough to realize when things were being hidden from him.

Because of this, he was said to be a lot like his father, a Jake Sully in miniature, always with a big mouth, full of questions and curiosities, determined not to stop until he got what he wanted. But Elyn was equally similar to Miles in his way of not letting anything escape him, observing everything around him, being able to control the room with a few words and looks to find out small secrets. “Miles' charm runs through your veins.” His mother joked from time to time, and he would roll his eyes and quickly change the subject, embarrassed.

That attention to details of his made the spark inside him grow. He knew something was wrong. He had had the opportunity many times to see old video logs with his father, from when he was still human, and the differences were there, in the way he spoke, in the way he behaved. It was as if he was looking at two different people. He had grown up feeling that Jake was more like an older brother, like his best friend, rather than his dad. Miles, on the other hand, had occupied that role, sometimes too well, through his hardness and his expectations. He wanted Elyn to be able to stand on his own two feet, not to be led by anyone, to make his own decisions in life. A true warrior, protector of the people. "Never a soldier."

As he grew up, Elyn noticed the differences in Jake, the way he’d be lost sometimes, always searching the room for Miles, for his presence, for his guidance. He also knew something was wrong with his parents when he realized that they were the only Na’vi he knew to make tsaheylu wherever and whenever, without hiding that secret intimacy from the world's gaze . Puzzle pieces for a story much bigger than him to comprehend but he learned to filter the information, to know what was the Na’vi way, the human way, and the Sully way.

“Would it really make that much of a difference for you to know all the ugly bits of who all of us once were? And I mean it, all of us.” Spider asked him recently, a bit annoyed by the avalanche of questions he received, when Elyn caught him alone for a second from one of his return with Kiri. They were traveling for bigger periods of time, being gone for months on end in their search to learn more about the planet and the cultures. For some reason, Elyn couldn’t fathom that concept, that the people who he loved most could be monsters to their own stories.

“Even you?”

“Even me… and Lo’, Neytiri…Miles.” At hearing the name of his father, Elyn dropped the subject for that day.

He loved them all, unconditionally, every single one of them. From his twin baby brother and sister, all the way to his big brother’s children. And maybe that unshakable love for them was really the reason he never really pushed too hard to know the truth, to rip it out with his fangs. He put bits and pieces together, most of them from all the forbidden places he wasn’t supposed to set foot in. He wouldn’t be a Sully if he didn’t break some of the rules.

He walked through the ghost town of Bridgehead perhaps more times than he connected to the Spirit Tree. There, he often flew with Toruk, soothed by the power of his partner in crime, for when the dizzying metal skeletons made the feeling of fear bloom a little too strong in his bones. He searched for a long time on every centimeter of that place for clues about a former unspoken life. Crumbs were scattered in different places. Elyn came to the conclusion that his father had been part of that town, after finding remnants of his name scratched on various things, like a drawer in a room whose door said 'office', or on pieces of paper whose writing was still legible. Miles Quaritch. That’s who his father was before. A name of a man he will never get to know.

His parents weren't the only ones capable of keeping secrets. He had never spoken to anyone about the sadism that dominated him when he walked on that blood-stained ground. A curse from his human ancestors, that’s how he liked to think about it. Archery seemed like child's play to him after he discovered some weapons forgotten on that battlefield. Guns and rifles, whose barrels still contained bullets. At first, he liked to shot at columns, windows, things that shattered and made noise. Later on, when he handled the guns better, he fired at empty carcasses, spines and skulls, amused by the sound of the bones breaking and fracturing, hypnotized by the feeling of the heavy metal in his hands. 

He knew that if his parents had found out, they would probably have skinned him alive. Prudence was his strong point. They suspected that his legs sometimes run in those places, but they never caught him. He learned a thing or two about communicators and how to keep lines open to hear if anyone was on his trail. “The family fox”, his father called him when he disappeared and appeared around them like the shadow left by the eclipse.

But that year he had discovered a new, interesting place close to the most beautiful corner of paradise where he often returned with his parents. He found it by chance, when the sun was shining too brightly and silver pieces of metal stole his gaze from among the thick leaves.

If he hadn't been careful, he would have missed it, how well nature managed to hide in its depth what was left of human touch. Not much could be distinguished from the remaining skeleton, except for a corner of the wall to which a chain was attached. But he knew that where there is human intervention, there is also a story. He tore the surrounding weeds with his hands, stumped on the noisy floors for secrets, but the place seemed empty of meaning. Until, another piece of metal caught his attention. The dog tags around his neck clicked as he bent down to pick up what appeared to be a drawer.

He found something inside, a photograph slightly destroyed by time and moisture. The image could still be distinguished, and Elyn's eyes remained fixed on a human man, with gray hair and three large scars on his face. There were two other humans next to him, but their features could no longer be made out. He continued to stare at that man for several minutes, as something in his look seemed familiar.

The more he looked, the more he had the feeling that he shouldn't be there, that he was disturbing souls. There was an energy in the air that hung like an invisible rope on the edges of his mind, images never seen in his life leaping before his eyes. Cold shivers ran down his spine. Whoever lived there felt pain, suffering, as well as a suffocating love. He dropped everything and backed away. He could still see flashes of a metal suit, a sick man, a lighter, a jacket that looked way too close to the one his dad still wore sometimes. He could hear laughter and cries, begs, shouts, sounds mixing together like swirls of water but he couldn’t distinguish any clear words. As soon as he stepped outside whatever that construction has been, his mind silenced.

He hopped back on Toruk and left that place as fast as a bullet, returning to where he left his ikran. On the way home, he kept thinking of his new discovery and of Spider’s words about the ugly bits of his family, and he came to the conclusion that maybe something were indeed better off dead and buried.

His whole family was waiting for him at home. They were celebrating one of their special days, the day dedicated to his parents' relationship. It was another human habit, but it represented a good opportunity for them to meet again, to come back from all the corners where they were living, to spend a few days together. The clan was buzzing with excitement, and Elyn's departure was left unnoticed, so he easily blended back again into the landscape as if he had never left. A big fire was being prepared, and he could already see his family members.

The twins were constantly running around Neytiri, who was preparing food together with Kiri and Spider.

“Look, my favorite troublemaker of the family has arrived.” Spider announced with a smile on his face. The twins immediately jumped on Elyn when they saw him.

“What did you bring us? What did you bring us?” They asked excitedly as they circled around him. Elyn rummaged through his pouch, finding the two orange feathers he had collected from the road.

“One for you, my sweet princess. And one for you, great warrior.” Boundless happiness on their faces.

Elyn flinched when two pairs of hands grabbed his back, one playfully pulling his tail.

“So, there you were, brother. I've been looking for you everywhere, bug.” Lo'ak and Tsireya embraced him, and at their touch, Elyn felt the joy within them, waves crashing in the back of his consciousness. “Let me take a better look at you. You've grown some more. Soon you'll be as tall as your old man.”

“When that happens, I’ll happily beat your ass.”

“Keep dreaming, kid.” Lo'ak told him, pinching his cheek, then he grabbed Elyn by the neck, covering him with kisses on top of his head.

“When will you understand that you need to stop teasing my favorite brother, Lo'ak?” Tuktirei saved him for a second from the suffocating affection, only to take Lo'ak's place and hug Elyn in her arms until he ran out of air.

“Thank Eywa for you, sister, or the tulkun rider would feed me to Payakan at the first chance.”

“I would like to see this rider survive a day in the desert.” Tuktirei taunted Lo'ak, sticking out her tongue at him.

Elyn looked at his sister, whose skin turned a darker shade of blue, with patches of purple from living in the arid desert areas with her mate. She had also changed overnight. It seems like only yesterday they were playing together on the beach, and now Tuktirei was about to become a mother.

“Who did you made yourself all pretty for?” Tuktirei ran her hand through his hair, over the beads stuck in his hair, over his kuru adorned with brass threads. “Are you going to introduce someone to us tonight?” She asked raising an eyebrow.

“Ew, no, gross. All of your sticky love is more than enough for me.”

“Maybe he’d find someone if he took off dad's dog tags from time to time.” Kiri called from behind them, showing that she had been eavesdropping.

“These,” Elyn pointed out, clutching the plates in his fist. “I’ll take them off when I die.”

“Wow, easy, Colonel. We should talk to dad about letting you get an eagle tattoo too.” Along the years Elyn learned to separate the word ‘dad’ with its specific meaning from all of his siblings, like how he knew that for Lo’ak, in that context, it meant Miles. It felt strange for him how somehow his siblings we’re so comfortable calling Miles their father. It felt intrusive, it felt like they were stealing something only he should have. But at the same time, he was doing the exact same thing with Neytiri.

Lo'ak's comment elicited laughter, which Elyn joined in as well, but he knew that something in that joke was slipping through his fingers. After a few more small conversations, everyone gathered around the fire to eat and dance. He didn't eat much, his mind still busy with what he had discovered that day. After a while, he discreetly withdrew from the circle and sat a little further back on a rock, preferring to watch his family dance from a distance. Spider was already there, stretching his avatar's legs after what must have been a long and tiring journey.

“Let me guess. You were in a place with snow this time.”

“How do you know?”

“Kiri has been shaking like a leaf and basically hugged that fire since I got here.”

“Is there anything that ever slips pass you, kiddo?!”

“I was trained by the best in the field. What else can I say?” answered Elyn smirking, his eyes moving to his parents.

‘Home’ for Elyn was where his fathers were, and watching them dance around the fire, with the same smiles and love for each other as for as long as he could remember, only filled his soul with joy. Dad must have said something funny as they both laughed, their kurus united. They danced slowly compared to everyone else, with their human movements, like those seen in old movies, on Norm's big projector.

“Semper fi.” Spider's murmur caught Elyn off guard, but the words spoken were familiar to him.

“Always faithful.” He repeated in the same tone in Na'vi.

“Fifteen years and they care about each other just as much... What they have, it's rare, kid. Remember that.”

“The ruthless colonel and the rebel warrior...” Elyn murmured in English. He felt those strange emotions from the forest, he saw the disturbing images again. All of a sudden, knowing more about their parents felt like a sin. Dad used to say something about sinners having to die by the hands of their sins. He wouldn't have wanted to die just for finding things out. “You know something Spider, you were right. All that matters is what we have now, and now we own everything.”

“I couldn't have said it better, kid.”

The party gradually quieted down, and as usual, Elyn slipped through the crowd unnoticed, and made his way to their marui. Among the things collected over the years, Elyn found the old military jacket that his father never parted with and that he often wore when he felt restless. Elyn felt the same that evening, so he put on the long sleeves and wrapped himself in the comfort offered by the material, the sweet smell of his parents being felt in the air. Sleep tickled his eyelashes, slowly the accumulated fatigue of the day saying its word. He was almost asleep when Jake entered the marui. He took a blanket, covered Elyn and joined him on the mat.

“I thought you guys were going to the lake tonight. I saw mom took the twins with her.”

“Disappointed? Did you want to be alone?”

“Ew, dad, please, not you too.”

“Alright, alright. You're still too young for that anyway. And your father might kill us both if he found out you were wiggling your tail around.”

“Dad, believe me, the last thing I want to do with my life is to increase the numbers of our family.” They both laughed, with Elyn hiding his head in his father's chest in embarrassment.

“Then may I ask you, where have you been all day?”

“No one move! I wanna hear that too.” Miles stormed in, collapsing dramatically next to them. They caught Elyn in the middle, trapped from all sides.

“Nowhere. Here and there… I flew with Toruk.” Suddenly, the jacket zipper seemed like the most interesting thing on Pandora. A long sigh from his parents let him know that this time he couldn't hide from them. Elyn let himself be embraced by both of them, at their touch he felt the connection between the three of them. Tingles of the mind, electricity under his skin. They were worried.

“Son, you know you can tell us anything.” A few seconds to ponder but then he just went for it.

“I have only one question. I don't wanna ruin your guys night with it though...”

"Just let it out, son." The tension in them was palpable. They hugged him tighter as if he could get up and run away.

“Have you two ever fought with each other? Like…actual fighting, with bows and-…and guns.” Elyn felt their pain.

“Many years ago.” Miles' voice cracked. “But that couldn't be more behind us, Elyn. Honestly, I can barely remember those times.”

“You and your siblings are living proof of how much the love we felt has changed us. You guys are our immortality, Elyn.” Their pain eased, but his only grew, fed by own thoughts and fears.

“I just-...I'm afraid of ever losing one of you.” Elyn did not know when the tears had appeared, but he was not afraid of them. Miles turned him to face him, taking his boy in his arms and Elyn buried his head in the crook of his father's neck. Out there, high in the sky, he was Toruk Makto's son, but in that space, away from the eyes of others, he was only their son. He was never afraid to feel vulnerable in front of them.

“That will never happen. We’re not going anywhere. We’ll always be here for you!” Miles soothed him, sweet kisses on his forehead, where a star had touched his skin.

Sleep was forgotten. All three of them walked under the clear sky, losing themselves in the lights offered by the constellations of the night. Hand in hand with both his parents. Safety, peace and love. The past seemed like a grain of sand whose weight no longer counted in the vastness of the importance of the present. He was surrounded by the only people who really mattered, as they were, with good and bad. Someday that image would disappear, just as the stars died and fell. But until that day, he would enjoy the flame of life around him, until his own flame will subside, until it will go out and the trail of smoke left behind will rise towards the last path of passing comets.

/>

Chapter Text

The whitish substance slowly drained through the clear plastic tubes directly into his dad's vein. Elyn knew he wasn't in pain, but he couldn't help but watch with sad eyes, month after month, when his dad had to lie on the lab bed for an hour for those injections.

“So, babyboy, you can’t see whatever you like when it happens?”

“No, dad. It has to be a very strong feeling or images that you let me see.” He moved in closer, resting his head on his shoulder, his palm over dad’s belly. “Right now, there’s nothing.” His father wasn’t there. He was training the twins with mom for their iknimaya. “You can try to show me something if you want.”

“What would you like to see?”

Elyn almost said ‘war’, but changed his mind quickly. He didn’t want to upset dad.

“Maybe something about uncle Tommy.” He knew from his siblings that dad wasn’t really fond on sharing his past life, but that changed since he met his father. Right away, even though his eyes were wide open, Elyn could tap into whatever images his dad was strongly thinking off. He felt so much love and safety, like nothing bad in the world ever existed. Mellow feeling that let him slumped over his dad’s body. Then he saw a man with blue eyes and a bright smile standing at the foot of some stairs. “You took your time, baby brother.” Laughter and hugs. He saw two boys looking the same, running around in front of a house with their mother giggling, chasing them. “Catch us, mommy!” He saw them looking up into the night’s sky. Through his dad’s eyes, life as humans or Na’vi didn’t feel that much different at times.

“Are you feeling anything?”

“Yeah, everything you showed me…You still don’t sense me doing it?”

“No, babyboy.” Kisses on his forehead. Curiosity nibbling at the edge of his mind.

“Dad, how did you and father met? Can you show me that?” A brief split second image of his dad in his wheelchair, getting into a large room filled with soldiers. “When you were Na’vi.” His dad hugged him, but at the same time, their bond was cut off.

“I told you, he saved my life.” The constant answer, no matter who he asked that question.

“That’s it?” Elyn answered disappointed as usual.

“I think is pretty impressive if you ask me, little one.”

“Yeah, but like…then what? What happened?”

“We spent a few months together and we figured out we were right for each other…More than right.” He huffed at the answer, facing the ceiling. “Stop pouting, you’ll get wrinkles like your old man over here.”

“You’re not old, dad.” He mumbled under his breath. One thing he knew for sure, was that his fathers couldn’t stand to see him upset.

“How ‘bout we go do something fun after this? Whatever you like.”

“Tsurak race?” He asked playfully. Tiny glimmer of doubt in bigger golden eyes. “You said whatever.”

“Your father’s gonna kill me…probably your mom too. But, fine! You got yourself a race, kiddo.”

“Actually, I changed my mind. Can I have a tattoo like you and father?” He asked while running his finger over the lined tattoo of dad’s arm.

“Nice try. You gotta wait a bit more for one of those.”

Waiting. Elyn’s weakness.

—

“Dad, I dreamed about her again.” He whispered as he snuggled closer to him. Trapped between his fathers. Sweet sleep swiping him away in their safe embrace.

“Did she say anything?”

“Mhm. That’s she’s always there with you. All three of them are.” Tiny yawn, and he let himself be carried again in the world of dreams.

—

Watery eyes, bloody nose, there was pain in his left side of his body from when he got thrown to the ground, his wrist was held in a painful grip by his older brother. Nails digging in his flesh, tails rattling. When they touched, he could fell his brother’s anger. Elyn tried his best to keep his whimpers to himself, but it hurt too much, but not the physical pain, no, that was easy. It hurt to know his parents would see him like that. Lo’ak kept mumbling to himself, walking fast. Elyn could barely keep up with him.

“You have comms for a reason and you’re not calling any of us…What were you thinking, bug?! Going at those guys like that…”

“I’m sorry!… They were talking about us.” At that, Lo’ak came to a halt. He lowered himself to Elyn’s level, brushed the dirt and blood from his face with the back of his hand and sighed heavily.

“What did they say, little one?”

“That…that father was-…that he is-…” He couldn’t say it. He wasn’t allowed to. His heart was full of pain. He brushed pass Lo’ak and kept walking. Fingers caught up with him, holding his wrist again.

“Bug…you can tell me.”

“What does it even matter?” Elyn screamed. “You can’t do anything about it.” He didn’t mean to scream. He hated when that anger boiled up inside him, but sometimes, he couldn’t stop it.

“Elyn, I’ve been through this before. I know what you’re feeling, baby bro. You can tell me.”

“They…” Bit lip. He focused so hard to blur out the connection forming between them in the back of his consciousness. “They said my father was a demon.” Before he know it, he was hugged tightly by his brother, warm hands caressing his back.

“Don’t listen to them! Alright? They’re kids. They don’t even remember the war. Some of them probably weren’t even born yet… If Mil- if dad wasn’t there with us, to lead the warriors into battle, we probably would’ve lost again.” Soft pats on his back. His bloody nose leaving marks on Lo’ak’s skin. ‘Toruk Makto left his muntxatan for a demon. Demon spawn! Freak! You shouldn’t be alive.”

“But was he?”

“Hm?”

“Was my father a demon?”

It was one of those questions where the answer needed a moment to be put together, it needed a deep breath, eyes darting away. He saw them doing that for so long that it felt like every question should be answered in that manner. His dad did it, mom, Kiri and Spider, Ronal, Tsireya. His father was the only one to teach him about those behaviors, tics people would do to brace themselves for either truth or lie. In Elyn’s case, there were mostly lies.

“He wasn’t… He was just a man that chose poorly. But he changed, he-…Jake helped him see and he learned to let this world into his heart, to love us and-“

“What did he do? Did he kill people?” Same reaction. Same breath. Same panic in big golden eyes. Same lip quiver as the right words were filtered into existence. Knowing he was going to face another lie brought tears to his eyes. He just wished for someone to tell him the truth. Lo’ak cupped his face.

“It doesn’t matter what dad did. He’s not the same man he was years ago. We love him, bug, just as much as we love you, and in our eyes, he will never be a demon. Ok, little brother?“ It wasn’t ok. He could still feel a certain pain radiating through his nerves every time Lo’ak spoke another word.

“I’m not your true brother…” Elyn murmured, trying to get away. Lo’ak grabbed his chin, tilting his head up. A glimmer in sad eyes.

“You are my brother! You hear me? My brother!” The tone he used, the look in his eyes, felt like he was talking to someone else. The emotion Lo’ak felt crashed into Elyn’s mind like high waves, so strong, that an image came with them. A rainy day, two boys on a dock, a fight. “And Miles… is my dad too, just as much as Jake is. If you ever hear anyone talking shit about our family again, you come to me and I’ll deal with them. Got it?” He heard him, but he couldn’t stop thinking.

“Why do you care about my father?” It was a question that always haunted him, since the day he learned by accident that mom and dad lived a different life before he was born. Lo’ak’s hand was back over his face, trying to stop the bleeding of his nose. “Distractions” father would call them.

“Because he cares about us too. He-…” They started walking again. Lo’ak took his hand, but that time it was gentle. Intertwined fingers. “If it wasn’t for Miles, I probably wouldn’t have a dad now.” The wave of emotions finally changed, and Elyn could feel the peace residing in his brother. “I made mistakes before. I started to feel worthless, not good enough, but after he came into our lives, he helped me a lot. At that time, he was the last person I thought would change my mind… but he believed in me. He did it enough to convince Jake to let me help them in the war. When the sky people attacked the seas again, it was Miles who insisted I lead the tulkuns in our aid with Payakan. And after the war was over…he kept believing and taking care of us. There-…there were times when dad had to deal with his health problems, so Miles stepped up for him… He saved me once.”  Waves crushing. Pain and fear. Flames.

“When?” Elyn forgot all about his wounds. He was barely aware of the road they were taking back home, too focused on every word, every detail.

“I think you were two when it happened. We went back to Bridgehead, to figure how to carry back some medical equipment for Max. Something went wrong, a machine malfunctioned. It went up in flames. I was too close to it. It exploded right next to me, that’s why I have those burn marks on my back.” Elyn slowed his pace, taking a look at those white marking on blue skin. To him, the scars looked like coral reefs. “I got trapped under metals… I was so scared.”

“You? Scared?” Elyn felt it, that bone chilling fear. For a second, he smelled smoke, he choked on it. Crashing wave in the back of his head. He saw hands trying to crawl towards his father. “Sempu!”

“I was. If it wasn’t for him I would’ve died that day. He threw himself into the flames to get me out… he didn’t even think about it.”

“Father’s scars on his hands…” Living proof that it was real.

“He cut and burned himself when he pulled them off of me. Everything happened so fast... I remember how tightly he held me when we flew back. He kept apologizing to dad like it was his fault. For three days, he never left my side…” Slowly, those emotions died down and Elyn could breathe again. “And there were many other things he did for us. We didn’t realized it right away, but we needed him. Dad keeps saying Miles came into his life at the right time, but actually, it was the right time for all of us.”

He let go of Lo'ak for a few seconds to put a barrier over all those emotions that didn't belong to him. It became very tiring after long periods of time or strong feelings to distance himself enough so that those experiences would not affect him as well.

“Do I even have to say who was there for Tuk when she trained for her iknimaya, or who cheered her the most when she did it?”

“My father…” Lo’ak nodded. The village came into view. Elyn wished his fathers were busy with something, anything, just so he could prolong the moment of revealing his ‘battle’ wounds.

“Or do I have to remind you who was there for Spider when he got used to his avatar body?”

“Well this one’s tricky.” answered Elyn showing his characteristic smirk. “I’d say Kiri.” They both laughed. It still felt like yesterday for him when the two of them decided to unite their lives in front of Eywa. He remembered his dad’s tears afterwards, saddened that his daughter grew up too fast.

“Besides Kiri, Miles was there, day and night. Too bad you don’t remember it. It was hilarious watching him run up and down to make sure both of Spider’s bodies were alright.”

“I can imagine.” He really could. He knew how much his father cared about Spider. And Elyn sensed it, that clear difference between the love carried for him and the one carried for his human sibling. For Spider, his father would always have that glint in his eyes, a burning of sorts. And it made Elyn only wonder more, about the boy with blonde hair and tan skin, with a fiery personality that they shared quite a lot, and about the man that was before, the key that linked the two of them, the one without pictures or video logs, the one that died under the flames of war.

“Should I even say who goes back with mom to the human camp for the monthly check-ups?  Or when she wants to reconnect to the Tree of Souls?”

“My father.” Elyn repeated, feeling better.

“Our father, bug. So, any more doubts about who he truly is or how we see him?”

“Guess not…but just so you know, he’s mine. I just let you guys borrow him from time to time.” He answered playfully. “You do sound like you love him a bit too much.” He added scrunching up his face. His brother pinched his cheek.

“Yeah, well…we can’t control love, little one.”

The eclipse was approaching, the village was getting quiet. His friends accompanied him and Lo'ak, curious about his injuries, until they reached his sister's marui. For a moment Elyn breathed a sigh of relief that his parents were nowhere near.

“You’re in luck.” Kiri dropped everything she was doing to come patch him up. “They left with Tuk, something about her and this desert boy she met. You sleep with us tonight.”

Spider came in shortly after, towering over all of them. Elyn felt smaller than usual.

“Damn, baby bro! Who messed with you?”

“Some kids from another clan passing through. Five on one.” Kiri gasped, but Spider looked impressed.

“Threw any good punches?”

“Spider!” Kiri’s voice ringed in Elyn’s ear. “We don’t encourage violence in this family!”

“I didn’t say that. I only wanted to know if the kid knew how to defend himself.” Said Spider while pulling out some leaves from Elyn’s hair.

Lo’ak scuffed. He grabbed a wet rag and cleaned Elyn’s face with it.

“Trust me, bro, he knew how to throw one. Look at his knuckles.”

They all gathered around him, fixing him up, hiding the truth of his mistake. They did that all his life. It felt suffocating. For a short moment, one he could barely remember, he was Jake Sully’s youngest child. He would’ve understood all the attention then, but it kept on going even when it wasn’t the case no more, even when the twins needed perhaps more attention than he ever did. Yet, all eyes were still on Elyn, all their hands, and words, and love, and secrets. It felt like a water bubble. They were the tide pushing it back. He was the sharp rock, ready to pop it once and for all.

“We are all born in violence…” All of them felt silent hearing his words.

“Where did you hear that?” Elyn shrugged, looking away.

“One of you thought it… I don’t know…”  Kiri grabbed his face. Soft hands, the warmth of her soul pouring down into his mind.

“Violence is never the answer, to any problem, Elyn. Never. Violence only brings more violence, and then, where do we stop it?” Those weren’t her words, he knew that much. He heard dad say something similar for so long. “Who hit who first?” “Tell the truth, son.” His dad’s words repeated in his mind like a song. Something in him snapped.

“I did. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again!” He played his card. He looked up to them, to each one in particular, with his big eyes, the quivering pout that knew would melt their hearts. He didn’t have to force the tears. “Please, don’t tell them what I did! It’ll only upset them. Father will get angry and- and dad will cry and-… p-please.”

“Elyn…they have to know.” Spider looked so much like their father when he said that. It sent a shiver down his spine. The last thing he wanted was to disappoint any of them.

“Please!” He begged again, clutching in his fist the dog tags that hung heavily around his slim neck. “I won’t do it again! I promise!” Three on one. Losing side. “If I ever punch someone again, I’ll give Lo’ak dad’s dog tags back. I promise!”

Lo’ak was already getting up to leave to his own marui. He took one more look back, hand over the comms. A short nod towards Kiri and Spider.

“Next time, be more careful when you jump down of Toruk. Got it, kiddo?” He left before Elyn could respond, and for a brief moment the little one thought he got away.

By morning, the news spread like the wind, and the truth, without his liking, came out. His charms failed and Lo’ak confessed on how he found his little brother punching the life out of another clan’s kid. No one got angry, no one cried, but Miles and Jake knew they had to have a serious conversation with their son.

—

Mylena kept looking towards dad and father so Elyn switched tactics. He tickled his little sister, distracting her from the cascade of tears that were happenings behind him. To his luck, Tey was with Tuk, gathering shells. The twins weren’t that interested in English and dad didn’t insisted with the two of them. So now, English was easier and safer as his father tried to comfort dad. Lowered voices, but Elyn leaned to listen to their whispers.

“You don’t get it. They put the pictures on a news website. You just had to type in the date. ” More painful sobs.

“It’s alright, princess. I’m with you, little soul. Let it out.”

“And Tommy told me, he said multiple times, ‘don’t search for it’ and I still fuc-… I did it. She flew through the car window and her brain… God! And, and dad’s side was basically compacted, and that fucking red color…it was all over the road, Miles, all over, just like in the house. You just-…I…”

“Elyn!” Father voice ringing through the marui. “Son, take your sister and go play outside for a bit. Please!”

He was used to it to that point and with dad’s sickness that took many shapes and forms. Outside, Mylena rushed to play with the kids of her age, giving Elyn the chance to turn back and take a peek inside. He saw his father pinning dad’s wrist above his head, their kurus connected. Father said something to him. In a flash, dad went limp against the hold, the tears stopped as if on command and before he knew it, their mouths met. Back to normality.

He ran to his sister, playing with her until eclipse came around.

—

“You guys suck!”

“Wow, easy there, tiny Colonel! It’s not our fault you’re bad at card games, bug.” Lo’ak pushed the pile of fruit won closer to himself.

“You’re cheating! Spider can see my cards.”

“We’re almost the same height. Explain to me how that works, baby bro.”

“Let’s just play again.” Tsireya said to calm him down. “We’ll do our best this time, Elyn.” She leaned over to pick the rest of the cards, her growing belly getting a bit in the way, so Elyn helped her.

“I’ve got my eyes on you, Socorro!”

“Bring it, Sully!”

Their rematch got interrupted by Tey and Mylena, who got too excited about the fruits laid down on the leaves. In the end, Lo’ak shared his prize with all of them.

—

That morning he was awakened by his dad's departure. The sun had not yet emerged from behind the eclipse. Elyn half-opened his eyes in time to see him plant a quick kiss on his father's forehead before he left. It was cold that morning. He rolled onto his father's side, climbed on top of him, and snuggled up between him and his mother, their body heat feeling better than any blanket. They slept some more, until the first rays of sun hit their marui.

Mornings in the Sully family looked different depending on the circumstances. When the twins were there it was total chaos, Elyn's ears ringing before his mind was fully awake. If any of his siblings spent the night with them, the morning was full of jokes and stories, teasing and funny comments.

He liked it best when he wasn't sleeping in his parents' marui, because his siblings let him laze around, sleep a few extra hours. With his father, waking up at the first ray of sunshine was an unbreakable rule. “The early bird gets the worm.” That was the only occasion when he hated his parents’ military background.

And then there were times when mom stayed with them overnight. In the beginning, when the twins were still babies, she was always there, as all his siblings had been. Ten people squished together somehow in that small space, but they made it work. But one by one, over the years, they went their separate ways, each to a new place to live. That's what happened to mom too. One day she simply stopped living in the same house with them. And Elyn noticed the differences in his father for when she wasn’t there, how his stiffness would go away, how he’d joke and play more, how he’d let dad breathe for a second, without constantly being close to him, touching, holding. And Elyn struggled understanding them, because he knew his father cared about mom too, yet, without her, he acted more like himself.

That morning felt different than the rest. Mom avoided his father's gaze, did not say 'good morning' to him, did not kiss him as they usually did when they woke up. They went about their morning rituals quietly, separately. Before he could ask them if they were upset, mom asked him to go get Jake back so they could eat together. Reluctantly and with weariness in his bones, Elyn dragged his feet to look for his dad. As soon as he took a few steps outside, a storm arose in their home.

“I asked you to never to that in front of him. You know how he gets.”

“So, what? He will never know the feeling of being upset? You two will hide that from him as well?”

Hidden things. That sparked his interest. He climbed behind the marui, on the vines that his dad put together to make him a swing, further up on a mangrove so he could see inside.

“You did your thing with your own, we do it our way with our son. I promised Jake no shitty attitude in front of the kids and I’m keeping it!…” Shoulder bumping into father’s arm. Mom always looked so small compared to him. “Why are you even upset? You were fine last night. Did you take your shots?” Mom pushed him, hissing in his face.

“You lied.” His father froze where he stood. She circled him, her tail whipping around.

“You gotta be more specific, sweetheart.”

“You said they failed. They didn’t. Norm and Max finished the machine to link our minds.”

“Ah…that shit…” Father’s eyes changed in an instant, and Elyn immediately recognized that anger. “It wasn’t for us. They made it to help Jake, and it didn’t. End of story. Drop the fight stance, you look like you have a spear buried way deep, Mrs. Sully.” She pulled on his kuru.

Elyn knew he shouldn’t be there. It wasn’t his place to listen on them, yet, he couldn’t tear his eyes or ears away.

“Liar. They made progress. They assured me over and over again that nothing bad will happen.”

“It wasn’t for all of us! It was for his teenage brain and it didn’t fucking work! When will you fucking stop with tsaheylu? God fucking-”

“Stop shouting! You have ears, yet you do not listen. Eywa let us all together and you still refuse to see it through. You are denying the Great Mother’s will to-“

“Don’t give me that crap!”

“You have done nothing for us!” It was her time to scream, and everything afterward seemed so slow down. In the back of Elyn mind there was a tingling feeling of fright, yet his father would never hurt mom. Never. Never.

“Nothing?!… Nothing? You listen here, you-…”

His father grunted, kicking one of the baskets to the side, fish scattering all over the floor. Finger pointing, tensed shoulders.

“You really are a piece of fucking work, Neytiri, I’ll give you that.” He could barely see mom’s face from the way he got all up in her space. “I gave you all there was to give. I let you in our lives, even though you shouldn’t be here.” Her ears pulled back, gaze averted. “I let you raise our children… I accepted you too, I forgave you, for him.” She stepped back. He took a step forward. “I let you in our bed, in our relationship, in his heart, and you have the fucking nerve to look into my eyes and say I’ve done nothing?! And you still want more? More?” He dug his fingers in his hair, pulling on his curls, on the choker around his neck, the beads rustling under his touch.

“I told Jake many times that I can live without those things. But for you to keep doing this to us, to deny our chance to feel like ourselves again…that is still cruelty, Miles.” He pulled her in his arms. There were words he couldn’t hear. Their foreheads were touching, faces covered by her long braids. He was kissing her, but it was different than how he kissed dad. Their lips would meet, but their mouths stayed close. Elyn look back for a second, checking his surroundings.

“…more do you want? You want me to fuck you too, is that it?” His hand disappeared between her braids, tilting her head to the side. “Want me to show you why I make him scream my name?” She pulled back, digging her claws into his chest. Her mouth opened and closed, the touch softened. She ran her fingertips over his chest, stopped in the place where his heart would be.

“I-…” Her touch lingered. “No. I-…” But her hands wouldn’t leave his skin. “All I want is for Jake to be like his old self again, like I knew him…” A swirl of braid as she turned suddenly. “I will never walk into your home again.”

He grabbed her before she could fully turn around. She didn’t fight, she just stood there.

“That man is dead!” Elyn flinched at his father angry tone. “He died many years ago and none of you seem to understand that once and for all. You want to help him? Drop it for good, like he did. We’ve been doing this for years. He’s tired of it. I am too. It’s enough!” He turned her to face him again, and Elyn never saw mom so pliant. She looked like one of the toys he and Tuk used to play with. He held her by her hips. “And I didn’t say I don’t want you here.” Long sight and soft caresses on her skin. “I-… I can look away once in a while, let him fuck you while I fuck him, if you’re really dying to have a physical connection between us. But that’s all I’m willing to give you, Neytiri. And it’s more that anyone would ever give in this situation.”

“You can keep your offering. I do not need that! He doesn’t even… He will never lay with me like before, his mind still thinks of only one person. Your name is the only one that leaves his lips.”

 “Then, I guess that’s your cross to carry, darling.” Words Elyn did not understand. Miles leaned over her once more, and that time he kissed her like he did dad. “I wouldn’t mind though for you to stop getting under his skin. What do you think will happen? You think he’ll slip up?” It didn’t look like kissing no more, it looked like biting. Fights of tongues and fangs. Look away! His mind screamed at him, but Elyn couldn’t. “He knows the limit. He knows what he truly needs. You inside his head ain’t it!” His hands traveled down her body. “…need a bit of release? You can ask for that but just, fucking please, please” he begged, repeatedly in Na’vi and English. “enough with the rest, sweetheart. Enough.”

All of a sudden, father’s pants got lowered. That’s when he really looked away. He laid his head down on the vine and only listened.

“… do not want you …only to be part of the children’s life… love them like my own…”

“You already have that and…promised them happiness…ruin it if you keep…”

A loud thud, like someone fell down. He tried to lower himself more.

“…don’t want to pretend…lost so much…lose the only things I have left.” Whimpers. She was crying.

 “I’ve got you. Why do you want…beautiful it’s been so far… middle ground…I’ve been there for you? How many times?” He kept repeating that question, until she mumbled something. A low hiss. “I got you.”

“I’m sorry… I’ll never ask again… want to think that… like a friend through all this…” More sobs.

“It’s alright… one bad moment…to forgive each other…” He heard kissing again. “…ease the pain…ask and I can always just make him forget that you two ever…”

“Elyn, what are you doing up there?”

He almost fell off, catching himself at the last moment by the edge of the vain. He hang upside down, staring into his dad’s golden eyes.

“Nothing, dad.” His heart galloped in his chest. “Nothing.” The voice stopped.

“Get down! Are mom and Miles up already? I’m starving.” Elyn jumped off. He got dizzy for a second, blood flowing back into his lower body.

“I-I…I don’t know.”

When he entered the marui, they were on the floor, hugging. Their mouths were colored in difference shades of red. Her eyes were puffy. Nail marks covered both their arms. He caught his father fixing her loincloth. They both looked strange.

“Are you two good?” His dad asked while putting back the fish that was thrown from the basket.

“Never better, princess. Isn’t it right, sweetheart?” Mom nodded quickly, resting her head on his shoulder.

 It was like his dad held some sort of power over them, as they both changed the looks on their faces when they saw him, and Elyn wondered if dad really didn’t saw what was going on. Even if he did, he ignored it. He hugged them both and started gathering what they needed for breakfast. And just like that, by a force he couldn’t comprehend, they acted as themselves again, with bright smiles, stolen kisses, sweet words.

“Little soul, let me tell you, this girl right here, we need to make something special for her.” He said while hugging mom from around her shoulders.

“What are you two planning?”

“Nothing. Just wanna give our thanks for how much she helps us.”

“Stop it, yawntu. It’s nothing.” She answered fluttering her hand around. She reached for the bowl between her and dad, their fingers brushing over. “They’re just the things we do for love.” Locked eyes and unspoken conversations between golden irises that Elyn will never get to know.

—

He looked from the side as his fathers and mom came together closer to grandma to get blessed, their foreheads marked with the white paste. Hand in hand, they walked to the Three of Souls and they connected with the Great Mother. Soon enough, it was his turn, and that day Elyn reconnected with his oldest brother.

—

Water splash and giggles as they got closer and closer to the edge. Father was all red in the face and they couldn’t stop laughing.

“Jake! Get back here!”

“Sorry, love, can’t hear you. Come on, Elyn! On three.”

“No! No. Jake! It’s too high. Get back here!”

“One, two…”

“Jake, I’m serious.”

But before father could say anything else they ran and jumped down in the waterfall. The water cooled his skin from the strong sun. A small ball of blue skin in a vast multicolored water. When they surfaced, he could see his father with his hands on his hips, tail wagging, throwing looks at his dad.

“Come on, coward! Jump!” His father didn’t seem to move from his place. “He’s not gonna do it.” Dad laughed, splashing around. “Should we go up there again?”

“Yes yes yes! One more time!”

—

“So the ‘J’ stands for Jake?” Elyn asked as he admired the tattoo on his father’s finger.

“Yeah. You know, he got the ring, and I got this.”

“Every human did this?”

“It depended. Everyone did their own thing, but most of the time, we shared rings. It was a way to say to the world, ‘Hey, this person right here is only mine.’”

“Spider didn’t give Kiri a ring.”

“Those two don’t need any of this. You can see it from miles away that they're meant for each other.”

“Well, you and dad don’t kinda need it either.” He answered laughing. That got him a light pinch on his ear.

“Tell you what, when you found that special someone, that ring is gonna be yours.”

“Dad loves it too much. I can’t do that to him. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo like you.”

“You better not rush into it! You know, things are meant to happen at a certain time, and you’re only thirteen. And things can sometimes escalate quickly and… and, hormones, you know. You gotta protect yourself from stuff…happening.”

“Ew, is this you’re beginning for “The talk”? Just so you know, dad beat you at it.” He said embarrassed.

“Well, that’s good to know... God, I’m not good at this…”

“I already forgot it, can’t even remember what we were talking about.”

“…Sullys’ trick of navigating life.”

—

Wings spread wide over a metallic ghost. His third home. From Toruk's back the metal and cement behemoth looked like a joke, a playground, but the closer he got to the ground the more reality hit him every time. From what he gathered from Norm, Bridgehead had once been home to two million people. Try as he might, he couldn't imagine what that number would look like, putting that many people together. Elyn often landed in the Airfield area. It was the closest space to the places that interested him.

Most of the time his friend waited quietly for him, but there were occasions when Toruk flew elsewhere, never too far, but enough for that boundless stillness to lie upon the gloomy landscape. It was a graveyard, but it was his only physical chance to briefly pretend he was on Earth. He would have loved to fly into space, to the very planet his fathers were born from, but Elyn knew that would never happen no matter how much he wanted it.

The surrounding landscape changed with Pandora. Evidence of his sister's power was still visible all around, with vines rising from the core of the earth engulfing metal megaliths, piercing bodies like spears, crushing structures to the ground. Nature won, and like any man-made place, with each passing year, that corner forgotten by the world was lost even more in the thicket of the forest that had regrown around it.

Sometimes he wondered what his life would've been like if he'd been born on the other side of the battlefield, if his fathers had stayed to fight for the RDA. But those thoughts were quickly numbed when he realized that it would've meant that his siblings would never have been born, that his mother, grandmother and all his friends could've been dead. However, he could play, pretend during those hours in the forbidden place that he was an undercover Na'vi among humans.

Elyn had explored enough areas to find useful things, his greatest joy being when he found the area where avatars like his father had lived. All around the perimeter, the rooms, the objects, were built for their dimensions. He managed to find wearable clothes, which he hid in a treasure corner of his. That's how his game started, with a change of wardrobe. His loincloth was forgotten in a corner, replaced by camouflage pants too baggy for his small frame. He had to roll them many times and tie them with a belt to make them fit his short height and tiny waist. A gray sweatshirt covered his ornaments and dog tags. On the sleeve, sawn with blue thread, there was a patch with skulls and a knife that he couldn't take his eyes off of at times. "Deja blu. We will tread on you." He had no idea what it meant, but he felt a sense of power from wearing it. He also found a cap to hide his curly hair. He often saw himself in all that gear, and the more he stared at his reflection in the mirror, the more he felt that he looked an awful lot like his dad. A younger Jake Sully. Jake Sully, the soldier. Jake Sully, the man that switched sides for the benefit of the Na’vi people. Jake Sully, the warrior. Toruk Makto. It give him pride in his heart to think of his dad that way.

He sometimes stole coals before he came there. He used them for the insignia on his face, painting his own model for battle, with thick lines under the eyes drawn all the way to his hairline. He would then lean back on one foot, his head slightly tilted back, hands in pockets, a tight grin on his face like his father's.

“Game on.” Straight posture. Hands behind his back. “Colonel Elyn Sully, ready for the briefings. What is it? Intruders in the building. Well, we can’t have that.”

He took out an assault rifle that he usually hid under the bathroom’s tiles, security measure in case anyone found his spot, and off he went to explore. He walked down the dark corridors, light creeping from time to time through the broken panels, slices of clear vision. He walked past the cafeteria and the gym, places he had to secretly look up in Norm’s English books for him to understand what they were. He recovered more paperwork on his way, trapped inside an air vent. More reports, data and numbers. Some he understood, some he didn’t, but on each paper he looked for clues, searched for names he could recognize. That day was unlucky, there was nothing new to piece together.

Floor creeks and bolts rustling kept him on his toes. Any sound could be a hidden danger. He tightened his hold over the gun. Approached corner. Steady feet. Intruder in sight. He hold his breath. Finger on the trigger. Calmed heartbeat. Adrenaline shot through his veins as the bullet burst through the barrel. Skull punctured.

He moved closer to the skeleton. RDA uniform. Pandora’s enemy. The enemy of everything he loved. He sprayed between the vertebrae, pop after pop and his blood pumped faster, a heat sweeping through his body each time the bones shattered.

“No more killing my family, you asshole.” One swift turn and something caught his eye. “You had company?” He asked laughing. “Not for long.” A body hanging from the vines. He closed the distance with two big jumps, dug his fingers into the remains and pulled it to the ground. Straddled hips, hands around the neck, just as he saw his father do from time to time to dad. Dad would hiss sometimes at him or beg with tearful eyes to be held like that, and his father would always be gentle with him, calming him down. But the bones under him stood pliant under his hold, no fight, no hiss, no bites. “Any last words?” He cover the jaw and the teeth with the palm of his hand and pressed down, harder and harder until they broke into dozens of tiny pieces. “Didn’t think so…” he said spitting out a choked laugh. Fits of laughter pouring out of him as he broke more bones. Ribs, the femurs, just like cracking sticks. “What were you gonna do with this hand? Kill me?” Crack. Crack. Crack. Every finger and joint broken under his touch. “Right, sorry. You can’t talk. Too bad.”

He continued with slow steps through the dark corridors. He had already been coming to that metal graveyard for a good number of years, he knew most of the routes, the access ways. He realized that if someone threw him before inside those boiling confinements, he wouldn't be able to get out of that maze.

The games and investigating the past weren't the only reasons he kept coming back. Bridgehead was the ideal place to test the limits of Eywa's gift. With every step, residual energy bumped into the depths of his mind, invisible threads with fragments of stories trying to come to life behind his eyes. Elyn felt their physical and mental pain, their fear of death, saw what they saw moments before their lives were torn apart by spears, arrows and their own weapons. But seeing was easy. The difficult part was keeping away from all that endless stream of emotions. It was the perfect practice ground.

Out of all the rooms there were in that area, there was one in particular that he couldn’t open. A room that needed some sort of mechanism to be opened, and with electricity being gone and forgotten, he was left with very few options to pry it open. That day he was in advantage, having his gun and enough gathered bullets for it, so he decided to try one more time. He aimed for the square panel near the door and shot several bullets into it. Some ricocheted, but he held his position. The door finally let out a hissing sound, opening slowly and Elyn couldn’t be more excited.

“What have we here?” He cursed when he noticed that a broken pipe flooded the floor, greenish slime covering most things. It was a bedroom of some sorts, but it wasn’t for one person. There were two beds placed at the opposite sides of the room, one of them stood out to him by the papers and the drawings left on the wall. He got closer, running his fingers over them. Someone drew the Tree of Souls, a marui, baskets, bows, and at the foot of the bed, half washed out, he saw drawings of Na'vi.

“A kid in the avatar district…You must have felt so lonely. What happened to you?” He placed his palm over the wall and tried with all his might to feel anything. It stirred something in him, but he didn’t recognize the feeling. He backed off and tried the other side, and the moment he stepped into that tight space, it hit him, full force, all at once. Anger. So much anger, blocking away his thoughts. Images flashed before his eyes with thrown punches, yells, barks. It felt like a palulukan lives inside that room. “To do something like this! I will skin-“

“-him alive!” Elyn clasped his hand over his mouth to keep quiet. He never experienced that, an emotion that strong to have him unable to separate it from the memory attached to it. “I’ve seen it, lieutenant, that savage look in his eyes when-“

“-he simply let me die! And for what?” “For a fucking-“ “-fucking bitch! I’ll kill them both! Make them-“ He punched the wall hard. “-them watch as I kill their whole fucking fam-“

“No. No. No. Stop.” His skull felt like it was about to explode. “Look at me!” “Look what they turned me into!” One more punch, so powerful that it sent him to his knees screaming in pain. Water, freezing water. He dunked his head into it. Anger. Anger. Anger. Blood boiling. Nails scrapping the floor. He pulled his head out at the last moment and took a big breath.

“But not right away…no, he needs pain.” “They all need pain, like the one we suffered.” He pulled at his face, digging his claws into his flesh until he smelled blood.

“It’s not my memory. Not my emotions. Not my memory. Not my emotions.” He crawled back onto his elbows, putting distance between the core of the energy and himself. “I'll make him pray at my feet. He wanted a new god, I'll give him one.”

“I’ll be his new god.” His eyes darted in the back of his skull. “Shit!” His mind felt on fire. Blood was dripping down his nose. “Focus. Focus.” Pure panic. He remembered dad’s words. He took deep breaths and pushed himself to look around.

“There’s one desk. Two beds. Three light bulbs. Four corners of the room. I have five fingers.” He kept counting and backing away, until his back hit the door frame. He rushed out immediately without even looking back, nausea hitting him like air currents. Outside, he emptied his stomach, and rested his forehead on a cold piece of railing.

“Fuck you too, you piece of shit! I hope you died slowly!” He screamed from the top of his lungs, the words echoing around him. “Piece of shit…Shit. That’s what I get for messing with the dead…” He took a look at his hand. He couldn’t wait to explain to his parents were all his wounds came from. His head still hurt a little. He looked into the distance, the space shuttles stole his gaze. “Enough dealing with shitheads for today.”

On his thirteen birthday he received the coolest gift ever, or more likely, he gifted himself the coolest gift ever. He found what he liked to call a ‘music box’, though Norm used another complicated human word for it that he most of the time forgot. His fathers weren’t too excited for the music that was captured on that device, but Elyn fought with all he had to keep it. They were just songs, music from Earth and it helped him with his English, so for him it was only beneficial to keep his tiny new toy. Eventually, and after dad listened to all of them and deleted some of the ‘garbage’ ones, he was left with old, safe songs for him to listen on repeat. It was so different, but it fascinated him, how humans invented melodies and stories that weren’t necessarily about their lives.

And after the mind altering pain in his skull, that’s what he was about to do. It wasn’t the first time in which he was relaxing in a space shuttle. The height of the cockpit gave him a sense of security and comfort knowing that he was a good few meters closer to the sky and the stars. He climbed over helped by vines, and by his sharp claws that punctured the rusted metal. Music box restored from where he left it the other day. Battery plugged in. He tapped the screen and its colorful images, and hit play on a random song. He leaned back into the seat, let the box in his lap and closed his eyes.

I felt for your magic

I tasted your skin

And though this is tragic

At least I found the end

If he really concentrated, he could imagine that the shuttle was new and ready to run. That the buttons he was pressing were actually doing something. Red lights. Pulled-in lever. An astronaut helmet covering his face.

“Ten, nine, eight…” It would shake a little as they would launch into space. Him, the twins and their fathers. And they would go explore whatever was out there, peacefully, together.

I witnessed your madness

You shed light on my sins

And if we share in this sadness

Then where have you been?

He felt sadness taking over. Another day gone by, another day when he ached to know more about his family.

“Why are they just… Oh, Eywa.” He knew his father killed people before, he put together that much, but so did dad. It was war, it was expected. So he really couldn’t imagine what was so much worse than that as to keep babying him around with the past.

You bathe in your victory

You blew out on my fuse

And if I took on the planet

Will I pay my dues?

He thought of dad and how he wished he could do more for him. He felt through his gift how out of reality he felt sometimes, like he was trapped under a blue bubble, where images of his past haunted him. He saw Earth through books and videos, but he felt Earth through his parents. His father, although never really showing it to the surface, felt lost at times too. Elyn would catch him drifting his thoughts away to a wooden house, surrounded by funny creatures, or to the avatar men and women, that for a while, felt like family to him.

Your love was a mystery

Yeah my love is a fool

And I traveled the country

Just to get to you

He kept thinking of his father and how he was always on the run, always helping both clans and somehow he still managed to be there for all of them, to never make them feel like they were missing out on him. Then he wondered if his father ever felt lonely. It was a strange thing to consider given the number of his family members, yet all those persons were from dad’s side. Dad’s friends. Dad’s wife. Dad’s and mom’s children. And his father had…no one, no close friends of his own, no parents. He had Spider though, yet for Elyn, that didn’t count. He cried once for thinking about this and dad came to the rescue. “He has us babyboy.” But it felt like too little.

I know that I’m stuck

In this misery

Guess I’m not enough

Like you used to think

He turned off the song as he heard the comms line getting open. That’s when he noticed how late it was. Time flew by him in a blink of an eye.

“Elyn, do you hear me?” His father’s worried tone reverberated in his ear piece.

“Lima Charlie, sir.”

“Where are you?”

“Nowhere…here and there, with my friends.” Silence from the other end. It hurt him to have to lie about Bridgehead, but there was no other way. They would ground him for life if they were to know where he was and for how long he visited that place. “I’ll be back before eclipse.”

“About that…when you come back, go to Spider. Your dad’s not feeling well and I thought I would take him-“

“Wait. What’s wrong with dad?” He almost jumped out from the cockpit. His hand shook on the comms.

“Son, today is the thirteenth day…”

“Today? Already?! Shit-“

“Language!”

“Sorry. Can dad hear me?” A rustling and then he could hear dad’s muffled voice from his stuffy nose. “Dad, I’m so sorry! I didn’t realized it was today, I wouldn’t have left.”

“It’s ok babyboy. Just-…just go back safely to Spider. Alright?” He heard the faintest sob and his heart trembled.

“Dad, can I come too? You guys are going to the lake, right?” He prayed to Eywa they would let him. Another rustling and his father took over the comms again.

“Son, I don’t want you to feel forced to come with us or-“

“Forced?! It’s about grandma and grandpa, and most importantly, it’s about dad. I’m on my way. Meet you guys there.”

“I-…Thanks, kiddo. Hey! We love you very much, Elyn.”

“I love you too, guys, to infinity and beyond.”

He rushed like never before, getting rid of the military clothes, washing his face from the black paint and blood. Before he knew it, he was back on Toruk, the metal cemetery and all its bad energy left behind him. His mind and heart were only on the thing that mattered most. Family.

—

The waves broke without interruption against the rocks that formed his secret hiding place. His family was the only one who knew about that place. Two candles were still burning on the cold stone floor, the only source of light for that end of the day. On his way home, he found brass wires from an old building. He asked his father to braid them into his hair because he had fallen in love with that beautiful copper color. A moment just for the two of them.

"Tighter than that?"

"The way you usually braid it is perfect."

Since Tuk was no longer living with them, Dad had taken her place in that task. Of all the others, he was the gentlest with his hair. Dad got bored quickly and did it clumsily, mom braid it too hard, leaving his scalp burning from time to time.

Strand by strand over his kuru. A pleasant serenity between the two of them. His father's birthday was the following day, and he wanted to look nice, to wear something in his hair as strong and beautiful as his parents' relationship. The gift for him was well hidden in his pouch. He was just waiting for the right moment, which seemed to never come already, even though they had planned a specific time.

Just before his father finished braiding his hair, Elyn saw movement out of the corner of his eye. A smile quickly spread across his lips. Lo'ak motioned for him to be quiet, approaching slowly. Behind him he could see Tuk and Spider. A second, another, and they all jumped on him shouting 'Surprise!' An avalanche of limbs and hugs.

"Happy Birthday, dad!" Tuk was the first to congratulate him.

"God, kids, you're going to give me a heart attack. Come here!"

“You’re too young for that!” Answered Lo’ak laughing. “We still got some good years to mess around with you.”

“The never ending payback, ha?” His dad asked, crouching to fit too into that tiny space.

“Just in time, princess! Save me from the little beasts!”

“Sorry, I have my hands full.” He said as he pulled out Elyn's camera, taking a picture.

“Betrayed by my own husband.” A look between the two of them, when eyes said more than words.

“Alright, alright, it’s time for the gift!” Elyn announced grabbing everyone’s attention towards him. He took out the photo album that he put together with aunt Dina and handed it to his father. “I’ve finally put everything together! I even added dad’s family picture. And then there’s my first one, and the one with me and Lo’ when I ate sand and…” They quickly went through all of them and Elyn saw the emotion on everyone’s face. A time capsule of the Sully family.

“You started a party without us?” Kiri and mom came into view. Out of nowhere, his baby sister and brother jumped from behind them, making their way through their siblings.

“I think we should move this party somewhere else before Elyn's sanctuary collapses.” His dad suggested and they all agreed.

One by one, they all left back to the village, Elyn and his father being the only ones left behind. There were tears in his father's eyes as he kept looking through the photos.

“I thought to ask uncle Norm for more pages, so we can all add to it. I know Kiri and Spider took some interesting photos from their last trip, and we can add their favorite one. And I actually forgot one, but I can easily fix it. The one with me and the twins, when Mylena and Tey turned seven.”

All of a sudden, father cupped his face, a tear rolling down his face, but he was smiling.

“You are so much like your dad… I’m so proud of you, son.” Elyn leaned into the touch, feeling his own tears coming through. “I just hope that we did good by you and that you’re happy and-… I-…I hope me and your dad haven’t failed you in any way.”

Elyn got up from his place and hugged his father as tightly as he could, pouring down through the fragile bond all the love he carried for them, projecting in his mind his favorite memories. Ripples of good energy.

“Best childhood. Best family. Best parents.” He said through happy tears. “I could never wish for anything different.”