Archive of Our Own ^beta

After hearing the Impala start up and pull away with Sam in it, Dean sighed and turned to face the motel beds. The man's mind felt heavy, and his chest felt tight with nervousness. Trying his best to ignore the thin blankets and stained pillows, Dean slowly brought himself to sit on the end of one of the cheap beds. He knew what he had to do. What he had to say...

“Cas,” he began quietly, dropping his eyes to the floor, “...Can you hear me?”

Thousands of miles away, Castiel heard Dean's voice clearly. The angel had been following a few of his brothers at a safe distance, tailing them for information. But, for the moment, they became unimportant. Castiel listened closely to hear more from Dean, fearing that the man might be in trouble.

In the motel, Dean paused to gather is thoughts. How exactly was he going to say this? The words had been rattling around in his heart and mind for weeks, now; growing more and more impatient, with every visit from Cas. And now, Dean just couldn't suppress them any longer. He closed his eyes to concentrate, hoping the words would flow better that way.

“Listen, man. I need you to hear me, okay?” Dean asked.

Castiel could hear the seriousness in Dean's low voice. Whatever the man was preparing to say, was going to be something significant. Dismissing his kin, Castiel instantly flew himself to Dean's location. The blue-eyed angel stood a few feet from Dean, now; in the darkest part of the room. Castiel could see that Dean was hunching over; his face tight with determination and hands gripping his knees.

Dean was still trying to put the right words together. He really wanted Cas to know what he was feeling, but he didn't exactly want to bother him with it. What if Cas was busy? What if he dropped everything to fly to Dean, thinking that he was in trouble?

“And just listen,” the man quickly added, not wanting to ruin Cas's day, “You don't need to pop up where I am, okay?”

Castiel gulped. He backed flat against the wall in an effort to not be noticed. He didn't want to disappoint Dean, by showing up when he was told not to. But, luckily, the man continued on; unaware that the angel was in the same room with him.

“I haven't seen you in awhile. A long while. I know you're probably busy with your 'angel' crap or whatever... and I don't mean to bother you with this, I just -” Dean sighed and opened his eyes to glare at the dirty motel floor, “I have to get this out.”

Castiel continued to watch Dean. The angel could not remember a time, that Dean behaved this way; so desperate to speak to someone, sitting on the edge of his seat, hands clutching his knees tightly, heart racing. It looked as though Dean was in some sort of pain, and Castiel's own heart ached for him.

“You've done a lot for me, Cas. And I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate it. So, thanks,” Dean spoke lowly, sounding genuine, “For dragging my ass out of hell, and fighting through purgatory with me, and everything in between.”

Castiel felt the twitch of a smile on his own face. He couldn't recall ever hearing such honesty in Dean's voice. The angel was incredibly grateful, to hear Dean say those words.

“And,” the man breathed, “I think you need to know...”

Dean paused to lean his head back and look up at the ceiling. He knew that this was it. His heart had built up too much pressure – too much emotion – and this was the breaking point. He had to spit it out, no matter how bad it sounded.

“You need to know how I feel when you leave. When you're not here, man, It's – It's just me and Sam and the same old crap we've been doing all our lives and... Dammit, I miss you,” Dean admitted in a whisper, “I don't know, Cas. It's like I've gotten used to seeing your stupid face or something. And when you're not here, there's a huge chunk of me missing and it sucks.”

Castiel felt an odd, but potent, emotion in his stomach at Dean's words. A piece of Dean disappeared, when Cas wasn't around? How was that possible? The angel remained completely still, not wanting to interrupt the man's powerful speech.

“And when you are here,” Dean continued, letting the words flow, “It's like I'm me again...? I don't know. I'm trying really hard not to sound like I'm reading a script from a chick-flick... But this is how I feel. And if any of this is creeping you out, just tell me somehow.”

Castiel couldn't stop himself.

“It isn't,” the angel mumbled.

Dean's head snapped toward the wall, at the sound of Cas's deep voice. The angel was standing there, looking completely perfect with a small smile on his face. A soft flutter went through Dean's stomach, making it tense up. He was suddenly glad Cas decided to pop in anyway. Cas's familiar face felt like home. Dean took a breath, realizing that Cas had heard that entire rant.

“Good,” he nodded, too ashamed to keep talking, “That's... good.”

Castiel took two steps forward, into the dim light of the motel room. He was staring down at Dean with curiosity, wondering why the man had given such an emotional prayer.

“If you miss me, why don't you just call on me, Dean?” he asked, “You know I always come when you -”

“That's just it,” Dean interrupted, lurching up from the bed to face Cas, “I don't want to call on you to be here, man. I want you to want to be here.”

Castiel looked around, seeing the motel beds and flashing neon vacancy sign glowing in the window. Where was here, exactly? Surely Dean wasn't referring to this motel room, was he?

“To be where, Dean?” Castiel asked.

“With... me...” Dean forced out, rolling his eyes at how cheesy and sad it sounded.

It was then that Castiel realized what Dean meant, and the angel's stomach tightened. It appeared that Dean wished to have Castiel by his side at all times; where ever he went, and when ever he went. Castiel could see a pleading look in Dean's green eyes. They were full of hope and yearning, waiting for Cas's reply. But something still confused the angel...

“If a part of you goes missing when I leave,” Castiel said, staring into the green hues, “does it return when I do?”

Dean forced a nod. He watched Cas's head tilt slightly, as his blue eye filled with wonder.

“Which part?” the angel asked.

Dean swallowed harshly, feeling his face flush. He knew that Cas needed help understanding what he was trying to say. Being gentle, Dean reached out and took Cas's hand. The man brought it up to slowly place it on the middle of his own chest. Dean stared into Cas's blue eyes, as he spoke.

“My heart,” he answered truthfully, holding Cas's hand against him.

Castiel could feel the organ pounding behind Dean's ribs, pulsing blood and chemicals though his warm body. Was it true? Did Castiel truly have that much influence on Dean's affections? Did Castiel truly carry Dean's heart with him where ever he went? Honesty was pouring from Dean's jade eyes.

Dean searched Cas's pretty face, watching him slowly come to terms with what he was trying to say. Relief swept through him, as he watched a smile spread across Cas's pink lips.

“I'll stay here, with you, Dean,” he promised.

Dean sighed greatly, feeling like a kid on Christmas morning. But his stomach, though, was still tight with nervousness. There was still one more thing – one more do-or-die act – that he needed to accomplish.

Castiel could feel Dean's heart picking up pace beneath his hand. His blue eyes flickered up to see that Dean was slowly leaning forward. His expression was tainted with worry and anticipation, and his lips were beginning to pout. Castiel held still, noticing their mouths were perfectly alined.

Dean let his eyes close, as finally closed the distance and pressed his lips to Cas's. It was a simple kiss; just closed lips on closed lips. But, holy shit. Dean felt like he'd never had a real kiss until now. This was how a kiss was supposed to feel; like the world had fallen away, and only he and Cas remained. Like nothing else mattered.

Castiel's fingers curl around Dean's warm shirt, as their lips clung to one another. The emotion that he was currently experiencing must have been what Dean was talking about. This feeling of absolute wholeness was unlike anything else the angel had ever felt.

Dean slowly pulled away, his head feeling light. Cas's fingers released their grip on Dean's shirt and wandered up to touch his own lips. Dean smiled, secretly glad Cas had that blissful look on his face.

Castiel smiled, his lips tingling. He was relieved to see the happiness in Dean's eyes again. Nothing made Castiel happier than to know that Dean was happy. And the notion made him realize that he had always felt this way for Dean. Castiel had always felt the same way he did. Dean was just the one to state it first.

“If I have your heart, Dean,” Castiel said carefully, leaning in for another kiss, “then, it means you already have mine.”