Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Scrooge is in his room. He is sad and angry and not happy because he is rich. Fitzgerald comes in and says, "dude stop being depressioned you have everything stop being a miser." Scrooge says no and almost breaks his anchient neck shaking his head.

'Wow this is gonna be harder then I thought' says Fitzgerald ascending through the ceiling in a capitalist manner. Scrooge goes downstairs and bullies Bob Caliente who is a very nice guy and has a family and is poor. Bob Caliente cries because he is in debt.

It is Christmas Eve and the snow is cold and dead because of Scrooge and his demonic imagery. He hears a knock at his door he opens to see his old work partner who is dead Mori. Everyone's cries because Mori should have stayed invisible and intangible. "Who tf are u wait r u my partner Mori" Mori nods and then rings a bell of sin.

"I have a cool belt as you can tell but it drags me down and you will suffer this fate too unless you stop being annoying" then Mori blew up and everyone was happy.

Except Scrooge.

Scrooge slept and went to sleep. In the morning when he woke up he saw a kid with white? Grey? Hair? Hair and red eyes floating at the end of his bed. He had a very chaotic aura surrounding him, and appears to be holding a strangled cat. Scrooge stared in horror and manga Kaworu stared back. "I just put him out of his misery, no worries," Kaworu smiled. "What the fuck," said Scrooge.

Manga Kaworu said, "I am the Kaworu of Christmas past." Manga Kaworu picked up Scrooge and held him out the window; Scrooge screamed in terror and confusion. Manga Kaworu drops Scrooge and saves him before he hits the ground. Scrooge realised that children are demons, not angels. Instead of being dropped again, he blew up, which teleported him into the past. Scrooge looked on in pain as he saw his young self wearing earphones and crying int he dark, being a SHINNIE...

"See that," manga Kaworu exclaimed, "this is where you started to go wrong with your life. The only one that can be a Shinnie is my boyfriend." Scrooge fell on his face in front of his younger self, nearly crashing into the intangible table.

Atsushi ran away from his problems.

Next Scrooge was teleported to his old employer, Joe and his boyfriend Cherry. They made skateboards in the 1800's and shoved spaghetti on them for the aesthetic. Don't ask how Scrooge became a finance person when he clearly had a better future paved out for him in the spaghetti skateboard business. They were holding a party. For reasons. Scrooge shivered at the sight of himself with no money, but at least he had skateboard spaghetti. Misato danced drunkenly across the floor, as Kaji and Ritsuko simultaneously simped for her, as everyone should, because Misato is hot beer woman and cool.

Manga Kaworu danced to Ode to Joy in the background while staring into Scrooge's soul. "You are a fool Scrooge," Kaworu shoved him onto the dance floor menacingly. Scrooge reflected on his life and hated it.

Then scrooge fell down the stairs which teleported him into the next failing of life. It was back in the day when he was not as poor and had some money. He was on a wall with his wife of 10 years Dio Brando. 'You are too much of a shinnie and you never shut up about money. I have someone better then you. Someone who does not s(h)in, the local preist." Manga kaworu nodded gravely, shedding a tear as Dio walked off with the preist, Enrico Pucci, into the sunset.

Scrooge's less dusty self sobbed, drying his eyes with shillings. Scrooge's present being stared in pain. "Personally, I much prefer your wife and the preist together but oh well let's fix this I guess." Said kaworu from the 1999 hit manga neon genesis Evangelion. Scrooge cried.

Then suddenly he was in his bed. "Wow I'm glad I'm away from that demonic child who kept showing me how I failed as a human being." Dazai agreed. "I feel you man." Then Scrooge went to the window to gaze upon the disgusting peasants and their horrifying happy faces. Then, he saw a child with purple gray hair? hair who locked shockingly similar to his worst nightmare.

"Hello"

"No fuck this I'm not doing again. PISS OFF." The child stated at him disgracefully. "You are not worthy of my grace, it means I dislike you, but I was paid quite a bit to be here." Scrooge cried again, his shinnie tendencies shining through.

"I am the kaworu of Christmas Present also known as Anime Kaworu. I will show u how u fail as a human being in the present." Dazai said from the corner "RELATABLE." Then, Anime Kaworu teleported infront of Scrooge and slapped him. Then he slapped him again. Scrooge fell through the floor and when he opened his eyes, he smelt something terrible.

It was the smell of the Lower class mixed with the smell of Shinji Ikari. All but Anime Kaworu gagged.

Chapter Text

It was the house of his worker Bob Caliente. His wife Illumi was cooking at the stove making some horrifying concoction in the pot. The children Asuka and Rei ran around poor but happy. Scrooge could not understand this. In the corner was Shinji sitting on a folding chair being depressed. This, Scrooge could understand because he was a Shinnie.

"Why are you showing me this." Scrooge yelled at Kaworu "watch" he said in response. Illumi put the concoction of Christmas into bowls. "Children come get your Christmas Green Bean Casserole!" They all ran in excitement. Scrooge was horrified.

As they ate, Shinji began coughing all over the Christmas Casserole, killing all the joy instantly. "Damn, Shinji isn't going to make it to New Year's Eve, is he Illumi?" Bob Caliente said gravely. Shinji continued coughing. Scrooge watched in absolute disgust.

"If only we lived in America then the American dream would have given the 100 000 pounds we need because the NHS doesn't exist yet." Said Asuka. "Damn" said Rei. Scrooge was confused. "But I pay them." Said Scrooge.

"One shilling a year isn't enough this is why you fail as a human being and why no one likes you." Said Kaworu then, suddenly he summoned a torch from his hair and smacked Scrooge on his ancient scalp with it and they teleported to somewhere.

The place was his Nephew's party in Whitechapel and Scrooge phased through the door. Kaworu said nothing hoping the party members conversation would say all.

The party was very alive, Misato was chugging wine and was drunk because hot beer woman. Then, Langa's dad fell on the floor and died, after being killed by Jack the Ripper. No one noticed. Except for Reki, Scrooge's nephew who revived him by hitting with a skateboard. Akutagawa was cooking many amazing dishes and brought them out onto the table. He accidentally killed Langa's dad again with the turkey but Reki used the skateboard as a defibrillator and brought him back.

Tengen Uzui then suddenly burst through the window with his 3 wives on his back. They jumped off his back and scurried to the long Henry the eighth table inhaling all the food and the cutlery in an instant. Akutagawa was horrified and so was Scrooge. Scrooge couldn't beleive the state of the people at his Nephew's party. Uzui had come to the party to search for more wives. That's when he laid eyes on the beautiful JFK. "Wow what a lovely intellect become my wife." JFK nodded "ok" then they left.

Reki sat down and looked at Misato. "Yknow I hate my Uncle Scrooge. He sucks and is a miser. Kinda hope he dies ngl." Misato nodded and so did Kaji from his watermelon patch. "I hate Scrooge too" said Jack the Ripper. "I hate Scrooge." Said everyone.

Scrooge cried.

Then they were suddenly back in Scrooge's house and he was thankful to be away from that horrifying party. "Now do you understand everyone hates you and you will be the reason Shinji dies."

"No please let me be a better person I can change I want to achieve heaven."

Kaworu smiled gravely. "I have a warning for you Scrooge look at my hair." Scrooge did as he said. Out of Kaworus beautiful hair came two figures. Eren jaeger and Gojo. "This is ignorance and want they will come for you and they are also warnings and metaphors of your failings." Gojo stared Scrooge down with his demonic blue eyes and Eren Jäger stared at him with anger and world domination.

Then Kaworu evaporated and Scrooge was speechless.

Once again.

Chapter Text

Scrooge was very thankful to be done with Kaworus but little did he know there was still one more to go.

Scrooge woke up to a horrifying sight. His house was screaming!! "Where is that damn weird child with his demonic imagery red eyes? This is his fault!" Misato said to Scrooge "No you just have a hangover at the grand age of incalculable." Scrooge was concerned since he had not had any alcohol since the summer of 1652. "Well no time to question anything" said Misato "your final failure is about to be shown." Then she removed her amazing existence from Scrooge's musty presence.

Suddenly his chimney exploded in holy light and the theme music from the hit anime neon genesis Evangelion began playing. The source appeared to be from a very long necked child's long neck. This child looked very similar to the previous Kaworu but had better animation. It was rebuild Kaworu.

He said "hello Scrooge" in the voice of a new voice actor and then never spoke again. He shoved Scrooge down the stairs which cracked all his medieval joints and teleported him into El fututeruro.

He was in the streets particularly the Whitechapel streets. Jack the Ripper was just finishing up killing his fourth person of the evening and waved cheerfully at Scrooge. Scrooge was horrified.

"What the fuck Kaworu." He said, before suddenly realising Kaworu was gone. He found himself wishing the gremlin had stayed, until he realised that flying through the air was none other than the red eyed demon (angel clearly) on an elegant chariot, flying down to them. Scrooge had never felt so small. And so crusty.

He ran swiftly past the Bank of England and suddenly realised he was even more of a midget then before. Kaworu's beautiful chariot was coming for Scrooge at a very intense speed being pulled by Jogo the volcano curse thing. Scrooge was concerned because he had never seen a volcano in his life and now it was running at him. He galloped past the drunk ghosts of England and he crashed into a ghostly wedding where Macbeth and Banquo were married. Then Scrooge fell into a dark pit of despair- the British sewers. He slid down the glowing green water and cartwheeled onto the icy roof of a peasant's humble abode. There, Scrooge encountered a man with a 7 foot frame with rats along his back and exclaimed: "that's my seamstress!" Scrooge fell into the basket of his bedroom curtains because his home was being renovated. He rolled onto the floor and mumbled Britishly under his breath about how Bruno betrayed him and stole his lavish curtains made by Getou Suguru in 1352.

Then Scrooge was teleported back to his ancient shack. Rebuild Kaworu stood over him and pointed to his house. From his house came a man who resembled a mop. He was a beanpole and with a feather duster of white hair that blew gracefully in storm Eunice. Behind him came a youthful youth with pink hair which Scrooge was very concerned about the existence of. His conservative self was shocked by such hair dye. They were holding his grand piano imported from the land of the rising sun. They had come to take it back. The piano was also made by Geto in 1355. During the plague.

Itadori was concerned as to why Gojo had only taken the piano and as they were discussing Geto and import taxes they slipped upon the icy British ice and fell down scrooges mahogany and marble staircase that he had stolen from Charles the 5th of Spain. Pre brexit. The piano came sliding down gracelessly and just so happened to fall upon Gojo's pristinely leather shoes which Scrooge recognised as his own. As it crashed upon his foot he let out a mighty cry as a single tear rolled from his eyeball. 'Yowai mo'

Behind them appeared two representatives of the British museum. Mike Wazowski and Commander erwin smith of the survey corps. Erwin took a step and his eyebrows came falling off. Just as they were about to land and upon Gojos hair, Mike Wazowski grabbed them. They were here to take back the staircase that Scrooge had stolen from Charles the 5th.

Then suddenly Rebuild Kaworu appeared in scrooges vision. "Kaworu why are they robbing my house? I don't understand why or how the British museum found my staircase and why that strange mop man stole my piano." Kaworu stared at him in silence an then suddenly heard the sound of sobbing and the scent of poverty. Twas the Caliente family home. However, there was something missing.

The family were gathered around the diseased table, their Christmas Green Bean Casserole lay untouched upon the floor, some had leaked into a hole and the rats began to feast upon it. Illumi stared at the ground and then stared at the children 'I spent Bob's final shilling he got from that ancient employer man with demonic imagery upon this delectable meal and not a single one of us can touch it.

Asuka and Rei cried and the floor began to sob mournfully. Then Scrooge noticed the man himself Mr Bob C. He went up the stairs and Scrooge followed. There he saw a bedroom and within it was a form being covered by a peasantly cloth. It was Shinji. He was dead. His youthful malnourished bony feet protruded melancholically from the cloth. Beside him sat a cold bowl of Christmas Green Bean Casserole that he could not eat because he was dead. "Why did they give him food if he is dead. Why is he dead." Scrooge asked stupidly.

Rebuild Kaworu hit him with a spear, the spear of Longinus. Then Scrooge suddenly realised. It was his fault because he did not pay for Shinji's calpol that would have cured his Tuberculosis Dysentery Leprocy Polio Bronchitis E. coli Salmonella and Sprained Ankle. Scrooge felt remorse but suddenly was at a graveyard.

Chapter Text

Within the cemetery Scrooge died. No literally his grave was right there in front of his British orbs. It was severely coated in dust because no one liked him and wouldn't go near his grave not even the undertaker. No one knew how he had gotten in the grave. Rebuild Kaworu hovered menacingly above scrooges head. 'It can't be ghost of Christmas future. Is this my future.' Kaworu just smiled creepily.

Scrooge began to panic, he did not want to die a dusty death, 'please Mr Kaworu is this because I did not pay for the calpol. I promise I shall do just that, I will buy the calpol, I will buy the whole market. Please.' Kaworu slowly descended on top of scrooges neck, cracking it back into place, relieving years of neck pain. 'Wow is this my redemption.' Scrooge said in awe like the shining shillings he used to wipe his eyes. Suddenly the ground began to open. Suddenly a grating horrific bloodcurdling god awful terrifying voice emerged from the depths of the cemetery. It was Shinji. 'We will now find out how you got into that grave. Shinji cried despite no longer having eyes.

Kaworu grabbed Scrooge by his Gucci nightcap and chucked him into the grave that was more then 6 feet deep because otherwise his miserly essence would escape. Scrooge screamed miserably as he fell 50 literal feet into the wooden coffin.

He awoke, tangled within the 4 poster bed. He gazed around his capitalist room, not a kaworu in sight. He unraveled himself from his luxurious bed and approached the window slapping it open. He gazed down upon one of the poverty stricken children of London, none other then the realest and poorest one, taking Shinjis place, Yoichi. Suddenly joy filled his prehistory bones. It was painful. 'Young orphan of poverty, what day might it be?"

In an impossibly high pitched voice the child responded 'It is none other then Christmas you old hag, do have dementia?' Scrooge chuckled at this childhood joke 'not at all my boy' he then mumbled to himself, the first sign of madness, 'there is still time.' He threw dimes upon Yoichi and yelled 'Go my boy, get all the finest calpol. I have achieved redemption and am now nice.'

Yoichi gathered the dimes and struggled within the snowy depths of London on the way to the apothecary. Once upon the apothecary, he approached the dealer, noble ferid. This was not the true dealer as he contained many shillings, and was suddenly slapped by the real owner, Gojo and his artillery of children. 'Get out of here you curse.' He said to Ferid, who then left the establishment and immediately drowned in the snow.

'Some of your finest calpol please!' Yoichi said, bursting everyone's ear drums. Gojo provided supply to the demand in the now thriving economy. Yoichi skipped off back to scrooges house, why he did not steal the dimes we will never know. 'No no it is not for my needs, it is for the others you egg, go to the calientes.' Bellowed Scrooge from the window. Yoichi immediately knew who they were because they were such peasantry that even the peasants knew from afar.

Bob opened the drafty door with 60000 holes, however he did not even need to open it as it collapsed from its hinges the moment Yoichi knocked in a Christmasly fashion. 'For you fellow poverty sufferers, the finest calpol, sponsored by the great almighty Scrooge. He is a good man now, thanks to the Kaworus.'

Bob was overjoyed and immediately rushed over to Shinjis dying form as he was sat at the dinner table and placed it within his withered mouth. Suddenly life returned to him and he glowed like the second impact, rejuvenated. "I am alive once more let me go and find Scrooge so that i can thank him for doing the bare minimum." Asuka cried because he should have stayed dead. Rei said nothing because it's Rei.

Suddenly they were all teleported to Reki's party. The spaghetti skateboards still in the distance. 'Wow it's time for the big ending unmisserly musical number dance, to show that Scrooge has changed so much that his bones are no longer anchient." Said Langa who suddenly appeared.

All the characters stood around Scrooge in a spherical contortions clapping.

'Congratulations' said Kaworu x3, Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Reki, Langa, Langa's dad, Misato, Ritsuko, Jack the Ripper, Kaji, Joe, Cherry, Aunt Illumi, Bob Caliente, Dio, JFK, Tengen, His wives, Yoichi, Ferid, Gojo, His artillery, Itadori, Erwin, Boris Johnson, Mike Wazowski, The piano, Erwin's eyebrows, Atsushi, Mori, Dazai, Eren jaeger, Akutagawa, the skateboard and anyone else we forgot, all whilst clapping.

Then they all began dancing to mr worldwide and careless whisper and celebrated.

Then after the party, Scrooge walked home and upon his unmiserly shoulders sat Shinji. Just before he got in the door, his legs broke.