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InsomniacsAnonymous.com

What’s on your mind, insomniac?

The sun is just starting to rise and I can hear the birds chirping outside of my window. They’re kind of annoying, but I enjoy their company. My body is tired; it always is. But I can’t go to sleep, obviously. I’m so tired, my eyes feel like they’re about to fall out of my head. They hurt, and so does my head. The bags under my eyes are actually really awful.

I wish I could fall asleep and stay asleep. Usually, my thoughts keep me up. Things like “if you go to sleep, something is going to break in and hurt you.” So naturally, I am not going to be keen on sleeping right after that. Those thoughts make sleeping seem terrifying, if I’m being honest.  

It's just a vicious cycle; I have those thoughts, I stay up because of said thoughts, get even more exhausted, repeat. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. My parents have taken me to doctors and I’ve tried different medications, but nothing seems to work. I’ve given up. I think I have accepted it. I’m going to be tired forever.

                           ________ 

Reo sighed and closed his laptop. The sky was even lighter now, the sun peeking in through his window. He, along with thousands of other anonymous people, posted almost every night. Thousands of people just like him. People who wanted nothing more than to sleep peacefully, but never got what they wanted.

It was Saturday, so he knew his parents were still asleep; they always had Saturdays off. Reo couldn’t count himself that lucky. It was summer break, and he had absolutely nothing to do. He didn’t have school, his sleep schedule was shit, and he didn’t enjoy the company of classmates outside of school. So, to keep himself busy, he applied for a job at a large skating rink with a nice arcade.

He watched a movie, checked the time. He still had a few hours until he had to start getting ready. He rubbed at his eyes and decided to log back into Insomniacs Anonymous’ website. He read a few stories; one about a girl who started hallucinating due to her sleep deprivation and another about a boy who had awful nightmares that robbed him of sleep. One story in particular caught Reo’s eye.

He clicked on the more button at the bottom to view the entire entry.

I’m new to this, the entry stated.

I am afraid of sleep. I close my eyes and panic. I don’t know why I’m like this. Everything is exhausting. Simple things are such hassles. Loss of sleep makes everything worse.

I’ve been asked by family and friends why I am afraid to sleep. The answer is always the same: I don’t know. Sleeping itself feels wonderful, but the process of actually going to sleep bothers me. Does anyone know why I’m afraid? If I can’t help myself, then I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to sleep.

Reo read it again. He clicked on direct messages. This person was still anonymous, as was Reo, but maybe they’d respond to what he had to say.

Say ‘hi’ to this anonymous user directly!

Hi, I read your post. I guess I just wanted to reach out and say that I also have a fear of sleeping. It’s not the same as yours, but I’ve never talked to anyone else about my specific fear. It’s kinda nice to relate to something that usually makes you feel so alone.

Reo bit his thumb nail before pressing send. He didn’t expect a reply, not really. But it was true that it was somewhat comforting to relate to something like that. His lack of sleep made him miserable, but at least he wasn't alone. 

                               <>

Reo sighed. He was sure he was going to burst a blood vessel if this kid kept bothering him. He twisted the collar of the employees shirt he wore. Folding his arms on the counter, he raised an eyebrow at the kid standing on the other side.

Reo slapped on a strained smile. “Can I help you?” The kid blinked up at him and stared at Reo like he was the stupid little nuisance.

“I’m out of tokens,” the kid said. Reo took a deep, quiet breath.

“Do you have more money?” he asked. The kid shook his head with a pout.

Reo shrugged. “Then no more tokens. Ask your mom to get you skates or something,” he said. The kid frowned and crossed his arms.

“Mommy is shopping. I’m here with my sister.”

Jesus, Reo thought, I hate kids.

“Look, kid,” he said, lowering his voice slightly, “I don’t care who is with you. Either go and get skates or bother your sister, not me. I can’t help you.”

The kid’s lower lip wobbled, and for a second, Reo almost felt bad. That was until the kid kicked the bottom of the counter and knocked over the neat container of pens. “Little shit,” Reo muttered when the kid was out of earshot.

A much taller shadow loomed over the counter. Reo looked up and met droopy grey eyes. The bags this guy had could definitely compete with Reo’s.

He’d seen him around plenty of times. He was here almost every day Reo was here. Not to mention the white hair that made it hard to forget what he looked like.

 “More tokens?” Reo asked. Unlike the kid, when this guy came over asking for more tokens, he brought enough money with him. The other guy nodded and waited quietly for Reo to return.

He held out his hand and Reo slid the tokens into his palm. He bowed his head slightly at Reo and turned around to head back to the arcade. Reo looked around. There were only a few people scattered around; the rink got busier in the evenings. A girl and what Reo assumed to be her boyfriend sat at a table in a corner, grossly making out. Other than them, the insufferable kid, and the white-haired token guy, the place was nearly empty.

Reo reached in the pocket of his pants and unlocked his phone. He typed in the familiar website name. He was secretly hoping for a response, so he was pleasantly surprised to find a notification in his inbox. The person he messaged earlier that morning sent two shorter messages.

You’re scared too? I mean, it sucks that we can’t sleep, but it’s nice finding someone that’s almost the same, y’know? How come you’re scared?

Sorry if that was too personal. You don’t have to answer that

Reo smiled despite his previously sour mood. He leaned back against the counter and thought of a response.

I don’t mind the question. I think it’s probably a fear of bad things happening while I sleep. I mean, that’s when you’re most vulnerable. If I’m asleep, it feels like the entire world around me is asleep. Maybe dead. My brain tells me sleep = bad things. So not sleeping helps ease that, I guess. I obviously pay for it when I go to school and work, but in the moment it’s worth it for that peace of mind. My schedules are all weird but I’m open if you wanna talk more   (:

Reo returned to his phone’s home screen and slid it back in his pocket. The girl who was sucking her boyfriend’s face off tapped the counter impatiently.

“Skates?” Reo asked. He’d gotten pretty good at guessing what people came over for. 

                                <>

Nagi stared at the message on his screen. He had to squint to see the words on his screen. The glare from the setting sun didn’t help. Sometimes it was hard to read small things. He wasn’t sure if he needed glasses or if it was just his brain running on tiny increments of sleep.

He found that as of late, he’s been looking forward to the messages from the mystery person he found online. The latest one read:

I have work again today so I’ll probably get home late. And because I’m so awesome, I forgot to charge my phone last night. It’s gonna die soon so I’ll talk later ((:

Nagi typed out a quick response before returning to his game.

                                 <>

It was storming outside. A branch from the tree just outside his window smacked loudly against the glass. Reo opened his blinds and watched the rain fall heavily. When he couldn’t sleep, he liked when it rained. It gave him something else to watch, something else to focus on. The noise was sometimes enough to drown out his thoughts that pulled him away from sleep.

He managed to fall asleep for a couple of hours earlier that day, so he knew he wouldn’t be falling back asleep any time soon. His phone screen lit up. He winced at the brightness and squinted. Now that he’s started allowing notifications from the website to come through, the little ping that sounded from his phone always made him feel better.

It's storming really bad here, they typed.

It’s nasty here too, Reo responded. Before he could worry about it being a question that crossed a line between anonymity and non-anonymity, Reo asked:

Is there a name I can call you? I mean we’ve been chatting for over a week and I just call you my online insomniac friend lmao

The little typing bubble popped up, disappeared, then popped up again.

Call me nagi

Reo smiled. A clap of thunder made him jump.

Call me Reo then

They talked back and forth, out lasting the storm. The sky was just beginning to change from midnight blue to pale purple. Before he could respond to Nagi’s newest message, Reo’s eyes began to droop. He managed to catch a couple more hours of sleep before he woke up for good again. He’d call it a small win.

                               <>

When Reo did manage to sleep long enough to be able to have dreams, they never made sense. As a kid, he had a reoccurring dream. He’d be chased through the woods, separated from his parents. He was always being chased by some creature. He never knew what it was, only that it wanted to hurt him.

It was always disturbingly vivid. Reo would wake up in a cold sweat, frantically looking around his room. It always felt so real. He would slip out of bed. Check his closet, under his bed, and maybe even tiptoe around the house to make sure it wasn’t real.

Now, his dreams were still vivid. Maybe less morbid and extreme. But it didn’t really seem to matter when some days, he couldn’t tell what was reality and what was a fragment or a scene his mind crafted. He learned how to deal with it. At least enough to get by.

When he was too tired to know if the skating rink was in his dream, he continued as he normally would. He couldn't mess up that way. Dream or not, he was still functional. Well, sort of functional.

The night before, he took enough melatonin to make him feel like an actual zombie. His dreams felt like fever dreams, but he managed to get a bit more sleep. Trippy dreams were nothing if it meant he could peacefully close his eyes and keep them closed until he drifted off.

Token guy walked up again. He looked worse for wear too. Reo rubbed his eyes and tried to cover his yawn. “You look as tired as I feel,” Reo mumbled. The other boy looked up and said nothing for a few seconds. Then, he nodded.

“I am tired,” he said quietly. Reo had never heard his voice go above a whisper.

Reo grabbed the half melted Icee next to him. He stirred the straw around, waiting for him to say something. He slurped up some of the blue raspberry flavored slush. When he sucked it all up he pointed at the guy with his empty cup.

“Wanna grab an Icee?” he asked. Again, the place was nearly deserted. Reo was pretty much getting paid to stand around and make sure kids didn’t die while skating.

“Why not,” token boy said. Reo grabbed a new cup and one of the round plastic lids. He handed the other boy his cup and refilled his own. He slurped too fast and winced at the tell tale signs of a brain freeze starting. Token boy filled his halfway with cherry, then filled the rest with blue raspberry.

They sat across from each other on the hard chairs in the little seating area.

“You don’t have work?” the other boy asked.

“I do,” Reo said, “but there’s no one here. It gets boring.”

Token boy shrugs. “Understandable.” He took a big sip of his Icee. “I always message my friend when I’m bored,” he said almost absently. Reo hummed.

“Me too, actually.” Reo reached for his phone. He shot Nagi a quick and simple ‘hey’ before laying his phone on the table. The sound of someone receiving a message sounded from Nagi’s side of the table.

Reo raised his eyebrows. Stirred his slushy around. “Weird question,” Reo said, raising his head, “but do you message your friend using a website? Like, when you can’t sleep?”

“Yes,” the other boy said. Reo tried not to lean over the table. He really wanted to get a glance of this friend. It was probably a coincidence, and maybe Reo was a bit nosy.

Reo sent another message. Nagi’s phone dinged. Reo sent another. Another ding.

“Who would’ve guessed,” Reo mused. Nagi cocked his head to the side.

“So this whole time, I’ve been seeing Reo in person,” he said to himself.

Reo laughed. He gradually grew louder. “This is great,” he said, trying to catch his breath. “I mean, it’s gotta be fate.”

“Is fate real?” Nagi asked. Reo nodded.

“It has to be. If it’s not real, I don’t think we would’ve found each other online and in person!”

Nagi cracked a smile. Reo yawned loudly. He eventually had to clean up and return to his place behind the counter. Nagi stayed, taking full advantage of the free refills Reo let him have. Once his shift ended, it wasn’t hard to find Nagi.

He was playing a newer game when Reo wandered over. “So,” he said. Nagi jumped like a startled cat. Reo laughed. "Will I see you tomorrow, too?” he asked.

Nagi looked at him. It was a look that seemed to say where else would I be?

“I don’t work tomorrow,” Reo said, “so I expect to see you in skates waiting for me tomorrow.”

Nagi looked like he wanted to protest for a moment. He must have given up before he even said anything. He sighed and nodded.

“Later!” Reo said over his shoulder. Nagi waved and yawned.

“Later,” he mumbled.

                               <>

Nagi couldn’t remember the last time he went skating. Sure, he was in this very building nearly every day, but the games interested him more. They were noisy and engaging and gave him something to do other than mope around all day. He just finished lacing his skates up when Reo sat next to him, pulling his own roller blades on.

He barely had the energy to move, let alone skate around. But Reo was eager despite never getting sleep himself. “Come on,” he urged. He held his hand out and helped Nagi wobble closer to the rink.

Reo must have done this a million times. He was effortlessly good at it. He spun in circles and nodded his head along to the music playing. For once, there were others skating. The music wasn’t shitty either, which was also rare. He slowed to a stop in front of Nagi. He’d been clutching the railing for dear life, not once letting go.

“You can’t skate standing still,” Reo teased. Nagi frowned. It was awfully cute.

“I don’t wanna fall on my face,” Nagi mumbled. Reo grabbed his hand and tugged him away from his lifeline.

“I won’t let you fall,” he promised.

True to his word, Reo kept Nagi upright. Whenever he panicked and wobbled, Reo was there to support him, clumsy movements and all. They spent a few minutes on the outskirts of the rink.

Nagi was getting better at balancing, letting go of Reo for longer periods of time. Reo cheered like Nagi accomplished something truly amazing when he went all the way around without clutching onto a rail or arm. That lasted until he tripped over nothing and fell on his ass. The other skaters went around them, not paying them much attention.

Reo skated over, his giggling could be heard over the music. Reo skidded to a stop, trying not to run Nagi over. He tripped over Nagi’s long legs and landed harshly on the floor next to him. Nagi’s shoulders shook with his not-so-silent laughter.

They stayed until closing time. The sun had set and neither one had any intention of settling down. It was far too early.

“What do you use to get here everyday?” Reo asked. He looked around the mostly empty parking lot. Granted, he didn’t drive, but the train ride was quick and easy. Nagi nodded over towards a sleek motorcycle. Reo watched Nagi situate himself on the bike with wide eyes.

“Cool,” he said, trailing a finger over the pretty blue paint job. Nagi raised an eye brow. “Are you gonna take a crowded train this late or get on?” he questioned. He secured his helmet and tossed the second over to Reo.  

“Is riding while sleep deprived a good idea?” Reo asked, already hopping on behind Nagi.

Nagi just shrugs and brought the motorcycle to life. “I’ve survived this long,” he said. Was it a solid point? No. But was it good enough for Reo to put his trust and possibly life in Nagi’s hands? Yes.

Riding without doors and windows boxing him in was, admittedly, nerve wracking. But Nagi was quiet and calm as ever. He unintentionally soothed some of Reo’s worries. He tightened his grip around Nagi’s waist and watched the lights and buildings pass by in a blur of color.

It looked magical in a way. The world around him was entirely different in the dark.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Nagi raised his voice so Reo could hear. Reo nodded, sure that Nagi would be able to feel it from where they were pressed so close together. Nagi drove them to a nice apartment complex. Reo zoned out so much, he hadn’t realized he was actually being taken somewhere.

“You aren’t gonna, like, murder me, are you?” Reo asked, handing his borrowed helmet back to Nagi.

Nagi laughed at that. A loud laugh, louder than Reo was used to coming from Nagi, and it made Reo laugh despite his creeping anxiety.

“Of course not, dummy.”

Reo was led inside a tidy apartment on the first floor. They slid their shoes off and Nagi tossed his motorcycle keys on the marble countertop. He stopped by a windowsill. A cute cactus sat in an equally cute pot that looked to be hand painted. “Hi, Choki,” Nagi said.

Reo tilted his head to the side. “Your cactus is named Choki?”

Nagi patted the top of Choki with his finger, careful not to press down on the little spikes. “Yep,” he said. Nagi stood up and pulled the blinds down, leaving just enough room for Choki to breathe. He walked over to the beige colored couch and draped himself over it.

Reo walked over, body suddenly ten times heavier. He was tired. He sat down on the couch next to Nagi. He stretched his limbs until he felt like his body couldn’t stretch anymore. Nagi’s head was hanging over the arm of the couch. His hair was hanging down and his eyes were focused on Reo.

After making sure they would be safe if he let his guard down, Reo managed to catch the fluttering butterfly that was sleep for a few hours. Nagi, of course, was awake when he blinked his eyes open. He lay curled up in the same position Reo last saw him in, this time wrapped in a cozy looking blanket.

Reo worked the kink out of his neck and tried to find a clock somewhere. “What time is it?” he mumbled, voice quiet and rough from sleep.

Without missing a beat, Nagi replied, “4:30 in the morning.”

Reo hummed. “Did you sleep?” Nagi shrugged.

“A bit.”

10 a.m. rolled around and Reo was itching to get up. His body was exhausted and heavy. But sitting around doing nothing was a rude reminder that he wanted sleep, but he couldn’t get it. Nagi had just woken up from another short nap. His hair was frizzy and sticking out in odd places.

Reo blinked at Nagi. “Can’t sleep,” he said. Nagi playfully rolled his eyes. “Can you ever?”

Reo had to admit he had a good point. “We should totally go skating,” Reo said, staring at the ceiling. He stared long and hard. It was just a ceiling. A boring white one with those little textured bumps.

Nagi stretched like a cat, and with seemingly great difficulty, pulled himself up.

“To the bike we go,” Nagi said quietly.

“To the bike we go!” Reo said, much louder and more excited than Nagi.

Nagi stopped by the windowsill and bid Choki a farewell. Reo didn’t login to the website, and judging by the lack of time Nagi spent on his phone, he didn’t either. They played the same games too many times and drank way too many Icees. They skated around the rink until Reo was convinced their feet would fall off. And for once, Reo felt ready for a sleepless summer.