Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hakeem was fine. He's completely fine. It's not like he cares or whatever.

He really doesn't. It's not his place to determine who Kahar can be friends with.

It's really no big deal.

And He's totally fine..

But he is not fine. But it is such a big deal. A big deal because he cares.

Because Hakeem cares and is much too afraid to get a straightforward answer.

It's not like he tries to deliberately ignore them as much as Ariz says he is.

He pays them attention.

A lot of attention. Maybe too much attention for someone who doesn't care.

Okay, screw it. He's jealous.

Jealous of the way Kahar and Naim are close. Jealous of the way Kahar's hand would brush up with Naim. Jealous of the way Kahar would spend time with Naim.

Jealous of the way Kahar would cancel plans for Naim. Jealous of the way that Kahar cares for Naim.

He's jealous.

Because he was supposed to be Kahar's number one right? Isn't he?

Kahar's right hand man? Kahar's voice of reason?

So why has Kahar been going to Naim so much? What does Naim have that he lacks?

Why has Kahar been leaving him out of things and instead hangs around with Naim lately?

Why?

<>

He feels like he's going to be sick. Kahar canceled out on him again.

It was the fourth time that week. They're supposed to go 'fly' that evening. They had been planning for weeks.

Mr. Sin was finally out of town on business and Tuan Yusof had family problems at home.

It was a foolproof plan. Their other warden would end his shift at 4:30. They would've been back inside the gate before 5 p.m. to avoid suspicion.

But they hadn't. Because once again, Kahar had canceled.

Hakeem was appalled when Kahar had said it. He couldn't see Kahar's face but the other's voice didn't even sound apologetic.

Hakeem swore he could hear his heart fracture at the act. He's crestfallen.

Then Kahar just left the room without saying anything else. He didn't even say why.

Hakeem wanted to follow him. To demand a reason why. His heart tugs at him to do it.

But he couldn't even bring himself to get up. He felt so defeated in that moment.

Kahar was different. These last few weeks, he only had one or two words exchanged with Hakeem. Much less with the other boys.

Now, Kahar wouldn't even spare him a glance.

He didn't think it would ache his heart that badly. But it did.

And the way Kahar left him just now, his heart cracked.

<>

He got up from the bed, he couldn't stand to be in the room longer.

He left the room with a ruptured heart, his footsteps guiding him along the way.

He had no destination in mind. Just following where his feet would take him.

His head empties at the calm air outside of the room.

His heart felt hollow.

He only had one question in his head that kept circling around. Why?

It's not like this is the first time but Kahar never answers. Why?

He seems to always shrugged it off as if what Hakeem was asking him doesn't matter. Why?

His head hung low. He was walking down the stairs now.

His steps was slow, uncalculated, random. His head had too many things to worry about.

He knew the people that were passing by looked at him weird. But he couldn't bring himself to care anymore.

On the last floor, just before he would walk down the last batch of stairs, he heard something.

"Keem?" Someone calls out to him.

He turns his head at the familiar voice. His heart tugging at him for a search of comfort in the familiarity.

"Zahrin." He said it like releaving a breath of relief.

"Bukan kau nak..'fly' ke harini?" Zahrin dropped his voice to a whisper towards the end. "Dengan Kahar an?"

Hakeem wished he hadn't said that last bit. Even his name hurt listening to right now.

He only gave Zahrin a pretend smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

"Dia cancel.." He put his elbows on the balcony. Trying to breathe in the fresh air outside.

The topic being too fresh and fragile, made him way too weak to be comfortably talking about it without nearly bursting into tears.

Zahrin looked incredulous at his statement.

"Lagi? Haish, apa kena dengan budak tu, sejak ni makin lain aku tengok." Zahrin muttered to himself under his breath.

He took a spot right next to Hakeem on the balcony.

They sat in silence for a while, enjoying the gentle breeze that made their hair tustle.

Hakeem took deep calming breaths, trying to anchor himself.

"Oi, Zahrin! Sini!" Zahrin immediately became alert. When he saw it was Syahmi he relaxed again.

"Nak ape?" He yelled from afar.

"Ade hal! Meh la!" Syahmi yelled back before going into a room.

Zahrin gave a deep sigh.

"Aku pergi dulu. Kau jangan healing lama-lama kat sini, nanti ade yang pikir kau putus cinta karang." Zahrin patted Hakeem's back and gave a jog to where Syahmi was.

The pity smile he had on for Zahrin's bad joke immediately fell after the other turned around. He watched from afar as Zahrin got into the room.

As the door closed, he push himself away from the balcony.

He began walking upstairs again. The breeze made him sleepy in a way and he thinks maybe if he slept it off, he could wake up and realize it was all a dream.

A big, bad dream that he would wake up from and laugh about.

He was nearing his dorm room when a sound caught his ears.

He looked down the balcony that overlooked a small little hangout spot for students and teachers alike.

He couldn't see anything at first. But he swore he heard it.

The breeze passed by again and the sound came again.

Laughter. Joy.

He turned into the direction the wind was from and felt his heart sank.

From afar, on a private little gazebo, sat Kahar and Naim.

They were sitting right next to each other, with something in their lap as they snacked on.

Hakeem watched Kahar's face. And then Naim's.

They both had wide smiles on their faces. He gripped the balcony tightly for fear of passing out at the sight in front of him.

Then, Naim leant in.

Hakeem's heart skipped. The fear of what was about to happen crawling up his spine.

Naim leant close and..

Whispered something into Kahar's ears.

Hakeem let out a staggering breath.

Kahar brought his head closer to the other. Their foreheads almost touching.

Then that sound again.

Kahar was laughing. An actual laugh.

How long has it been since he had made Kahar laughed like that? And there was Naim, doing it just so effortlessly.

His eyes flickered back to Naim. He was only looking at Kahar laughing, which prompt laughter from him too.

It felt as if a knife had struck him right through his heart.

The picture in front of him, the perfect example of happiness and joy in one sight.

Kahar and Naim, side by side, laughing at some joke the other had made. They looked happy.

Hakeem felt his legs giving out. He felt his heart being forcefully ripped into two.

The ache had intensified to more than just a small thing he could ignore. Now, it's a big gaping hole that he couldn't fix.

The sight of them stained his mind. They looked so happy and carefree and joyful and god--

Why couldn't he have that?

He shut his eyes tightly, his hands closing his ears. He felt it ringing as the breeze once more flew past.

Bringing back the sound that he used to loved hearing, the sound that used to bring him joy.

But it turned into the one that breaks him, the one that tears him apart.

He tried standing up, gripping any part of the wall that could bring him upwards.

He felt hot tears pour down his face. His breath hitching against his throat as he fought to keep quiet.

Just another turn, Hakeem..

Just another turn..

He repeated the sentence over and over again in his mind. Desperately wanting to forget what he had just bare witness to.

But his head worked against him. His mind giving him flashes of the image again and again as he tries to regain strength.

His mind altering the picture to make it livelier and merrier and-

He felt himself stop.

He lets out a shaky breath and bowed his head down at the grogginess from the torture his mind puts him through.

His tears dripped onto his shirt, drenching the once dry and soft material.

He was almost there. His dorm was right there.

But he couldn't go in. No, Kahar could easily find him in there.

He doesn't want the other to find him like this. Not like this.

The broom closet. His mind unhealthily supplied.

He was right next to it. And no one would bother to look in there.

Kahar wouldn't bother.

Without much thought, he stumbled upon the door and immediately went in.

It wasn't a big broom closet, only had scraps and things people didn't want in it.

The room was small enough that when he opened the door, he could see the whole room without having to shove his head in.

From the way the lock clicked with the door, he could tell the room has only been used only once or twice ever since it was built.

It was perfect then.

He didn't want anyone finding him anyway. Not like this, not as broken as he is right then.

He slid down the door. A fresh wave of tears hitting him.

The ache in his heart never subsided. And never stopped either.

He put his head on his hands. Not bothering on how much sound he's making as he sobs. Because he doesn't want to care anymore.

It has only ever hurt him to care for anyone.

He could see the answers to his questions now.

The answers that Kahar had always avoided.

Why?

It was Naim. Naim was the reason.

Naim was why.

Why he canceled on the plan, why he didn't give a reason, why he was in such a haste, why he didn't even bother sparing Hakeem a glance now.

Because apparently Naim was worth not wasting a single second.

Because apparently Naim was worth every glance he took.

Because apparently Naim was worth cancelling his plans for.

Because apparently Naim was worth spending his time and laughs on.

Not him. Naim.

Without intending, the image blares up in his mind again.

He pressed hard on his eyelids trying to get rid of the picture. He cries harder as his efforts ends in futile.

He could see the way Kahar's eyes crinkles in fondness as he met Naim's eyes. The way his smile would bring up his cheek at a joke Naim had told.

He hated himself then.

Because how could he hate the happiness of somebody else?

The happiness of Kahar.

How could the literal sight of joy be viewed with so much anger and hatred and jealousy?

His heart was no longer fractured, or cracked or ruptured.

His heart was broken.

It was spilt in half. Torn apart to bits and pieces by the same person that gave it a chance to shine.

Hakeem lets out a broken wail. He never felt so defeated.

So dejected.

He was fighting a losing battle. He tries to give himself strength, to let himself be strong enough to function as a normal human being.

To forget.

But how could he?

He's torn to pieces now. His heart is crushed on the floor and he is a blind man searching for the remaining parts.

<>

Kahar's intention was to walk back to his dorm.

He had felt restless all day and didn't think he could do anything to help his anxiety.

Naim was helping him through it. He felt a smile raised his lips at the thought of the other.

Naim had found him in the midst of an anxiety attack a few weeks back and had made him understand himself better.

He's felt so out of it these last few weeks. Naim had been his anchor in bringing him back to reality.

He had promised Naim they would hang out at the small gazebo at the side of the boarding school that evening.

They talked and laughed and Kahar felt himself be whole again. He felt alive again.

He smiled as he thought about Naim, his feet taking him up the stairs to his dorm.

"Oi! Kahar!" It was Zahrin's voice from afar. Kahar tilted his head at the other as he watches Zahrin approach him.

"Asal?" He asked the other.

"Kau tanya aku pulak, kau tu apa pasal. Sejak dua minggu lepas lagi kau jadi lain Kahar." Zahrin nearly exclaimed in his face in confusion and annoyance.

Kahar scrunched his eyebrows. Did they know about the anxiety thing with Naim? Has he changed that much to have cause such an outburst?

"Tadi, aku jumpa Keem. Muka pucat, sedih je. Dia kata kau cancel lagi dengan dia." Zahrin explained to him.

"Kau sengaja ke nak sakitkan hati dia? Kau sepatutnya pergi fly dengan dia harini. Tapi tengoklah, cancel, cancel cancel." Zahrin saw how stupified Kahar was and decides he wasn't stopping.

Kahar thought about Hakeem, he tried to find Hakeem's face in his mind but all that came up was Naim's smiling face back at him.

"Kau nak apa sebenarnya Kahar? Saje nak tengok Hakeem sakit? Saje nak palau kitaorang lama-lama? Apa kau dapat? Kau enjoy sakitkan perasaan kawan baik kau macam tu? Kau sanggup?" Zahrin was fuming himself now.

He had kept it to himself for awhile but the ice breaker had been Hakeem's dejected face as he greeted the other on the stairs earlier.

Zahrin decided then that Kahar had gone too far.

"Aku tak tahu motif kau apa Kahar. Dan aku taknak tahu. Tapi kalau sampai pagi esok kau tak settle lagi dengan Hakeem, Aku sendiri yang akan datang." Zahrin nearly spit at the end of the sentence.

He cared for Hakeem as much as everyone else in the group does.

But he knew Kahar cared more. He knew Hakeem also cared for Kahar more. They've always been that way.

Or at least they used to.

But Kahar had crossed the line, if he had to step in between them, he would gladly take Hakeem's side.

He left Kahar on the stairs.

<>

Kahar felt as if the world had gone silent.

Had he really done all that?

Had he been doing all of that?

He held his head. His head was wracking through memories after memories until it settled on something.

That morning.

The moment he had canceled the plan on Hakeem.

It finally registered to him. He has been doing it.

He has been actively hurting Hakeem.

Maybe without meaning to but it was still him that spoke the words. Still him that unapologetically cancelled on Hakeem. Still him that didn't care enough to lay it down lightly on Hakeem.

His heart sank at the thought. His guilt crawling all over him.

It's dampen once more as Naim's face came up in his mind but he shook it off.

He needed to find Hakeem. He needed to apologize.

<>

He looked through all the dorms downstairs already. Hakeem was still absent.

He held the jangle of keys he had in his hand tighter.

Where had Hakeem gone?

He has stopped multiple people in his search. All of them came up empty handed.

There were a few that saw him going back up but they didn't see anything else.

Kahar was back on Hakeem's dorm floor. He pants as he ran up the stairs, catching his breath at the top of the stairs.

It was a silent evening. Everyone now mostly retiring to their dorm room for some shut eye.

Kahar was catching his breath and placed his elbows on the balcony.

He finds himself biting his lips vigorously, tapping his fingers and his foot in a rhythm against the balcony wall. Running a hand through his hair multiple times.

A gentle breeze blows through his hair.

He closed his eyes at the calmness in which the wind had brought.

His mind traveled to Naim. He sighed in contentment as soon as the thought of the other breached his head. Calming down his buzzing mind.

Another breeze blows through, this time carrying a sound with it.

Sobs. Tears.

Kahar stopped. His ears trying to catch the sound again.

And there it was again.

The sounds of choked out sobs and sniffs. Kahar froze.

He recognized the voice.

He stepped closer to where the sound was coming from.

And if he was correct, the one he had been searching for was right behind..

The broom closet door.

Kahar eyed the door warily.

He never would've thought to even spare the room a look if it hadn't been for the wind.

He nervously took out his keys and tried to guess on the kind the door uses.

As soon as his keys clashed around each other, making a clanging sound, the cries stopped.

Hakeem was aware of his presence now.

He gulped as the first key doesn't work and starts turning another.

The door doesn't budge.

He roughly tried turning the key but it didn't work either.

At last, the third key gave a click as he turns it.

He took the key out and snuck the keys back into his hold.

<>

The door gave a click at the third key.

Hakeem's breath laboured.

He was sure no one would find him there. Was it the warden? Did they want cleaning supplies?

He hated the tiny room then. He couldn't even hide himself away.

He backs away from the door, attaching himself to the wall behind him. Knees folded over to his chest.

His tear stain still clearly visible on his face. His eyes red and puffy from crying.

The door opened inch by inch, letting out a creak as sunlight slowly filters in the unlit room.

Hakeem squint at the light and put his hand partially up to cover it.

As his eyes adjust, he removed his hand and felt his heart dropped.

Kahar.

Kahar was standing in front of him.

<>

Kahar let out a staggering breath of relief.

He crouched down so he was eye level with Hakeem. He gave the other a smile.

Hakeem hates the sickeningly sweet smile. His face was tear stained, his shirt was drenched, his hair was tousled, his eyes are red but Kahar didn't even look.

Kahar heaved a sigh as Hakeem didn't return his smile. He got up again and went inside the room.

He stooped down until he was on one knee. He put his hand on top of Hakeem's hair. Fixing it back in place.

"Keem..Aku mintak maaf, cancel dengan kau." Kahar starts.

Hakeem felt his heart skipped a beat. He felt warmth in his stomach at the act.

"Kau tak payah lah sampai nangis macam ni, nanti kita plan balik." Kahar tilted his head into Hakeem's line of sight.

Hakeem would've immediately fell for it except..

Kahar was coaxing him like a child.

Kahar's finger was also drumming on his own thigh. A sign of anxiety but also, impatience.

"Dah, jom. Takde apalah Keem, hal kecik je ni." Kahar waved the matter off.

His heart pieces on the floor felt like it was being stepped on. Kahar didn't care.

Kahar didn't care.

Kahar tried pulling him up. He tumbled as he tries to stand up.

Kahar let out a small laugh that he tried to cover up when Hakeem nearly tripped coming out the door.

He put his arms around Hakeem and directed them to Hakeem's dorm.

Hakeem was fighting back the tears that threatened to come down.

This wasn't his Kahar, This wasn't his Kahar-

He saw the bathroom out of the corner of his eye.

With as much force as he could, he pushed himself off of Kahar and ran.

He ran for the bathroom.

"Keem!"

<>

Hakeem locked the bathroom stall.

He pants heavily in the echoing room. His tears and sniffs clashing with the sound.

He threw his head back in exhaustion and he wails.

He wanted to scream and rip his hair out.

Kahar had changed, Kahar had changed.

The Kahar he knew would not just diminish his struggles like that.

The Kahar he knew would be more concerned and comforting.

The Kahar he knew would care.

He tried shutting himself up by pressing his hand on his mouth.

Broken out sobs and cries still managed to crack through.

He felt broken. Like an unwanted toy someone throws away when they don't want to play anymore.

When they've got a new shiny toy on their birthday.

Soft short breaths echoed in the bathroom as Hakeem tries to calm himself down to breath properly.

He puts his forehead on the door of the stall. He felt so helpless now.

He was falling in love with someone who fell in love with someone else.

He felt the stall getting too small. He felt himself suffocating.

He pushed open the door and looked left and right.

He stopped as he saw Amirr who was leaning on one of the walls in between the stalls. Amirr was looking directly at him.

He had heard. And seen Hakeem so broken down.

Hakeem left the bathroom in a hurry. His feet taking him far.

He could feel Amirr following him. He can feel Amirr's stare.

He tried going faster but Amirr had already caught up with him.

He was pushed into a dorm room with Amir's hands holding him behind his back.

He could hear Amirr locking the door as he struggled against the other's hold.

"Lepas lah bodoh!" He yelled loudly. His emotion getting the better of him.

He felt his heart being ripped raw from him earlier and now he's on the verge of another breakdown

Amirr only hugged him tighter.

The tears on his face fell down once again as his emotion fogs up his mind.

His legs gave out. Amirr still held him as they fell on the ground.

His futile effort in getting himself out has worn off.

Then Amirr said something.

Something that made the dam broke. Something that made him cry even harder.

"Aku tahu.." Amirr whispers in his ear.

Hakeem wanted to yell at him. To tell him that he didn't understand. That he couldn't ever understand.

But his mind helpfully supplied all the times they'd met.

All the times he'd caught Amirr longingly stare at Naim. All the soft smiles around Naim. All the touches that lingered too long with Naim.

And he realized it.

Amirr knows.

Amirr knows how it feels.

Hot tears pours down his face. He wails in Amirr's arms. He could hear Amirr's silent sniffs in his ears.

They were hurting.

Hurting because of the same reason.

<>

Hakeem felt numb. After crying so much, he feels tired. His body feels weary.

He was on Amirr's bed.

The other was grabbing him a water bottle from his night stand before coming to sit back down right next to him.

The cool water was like a blessing as it went down his throat.

They sat in silence when Hakeem spoke up.

"Macam mana kau..tahan?" He asked the other. He turned his head to look at Amirr in the eyes.

"Tengok diaorang rapat..kau tak rasa.." He slowed down his voice. "Sakit?" He finished.

Amirr's lips cracked a smile. It was bitter.

"Memang tipulah kalau tak sakit." Amirr explained.

"Tapi..aku takde pilihan." His face turns grim. "Aku hanya boleh accept apa yang jadi.." Amirr's voice turns defeated. He sounds tired.

Tired by everything.

Hakeem hung his head again.

"Kau..jangan terasa kalau dia berubah." Amirr spoke up again.

Hakeem turned his gaze back to the other. Amirr shrugged a shoulder.

"Falling in love ni pelik, boleh ubah mentaliti seseorang. Buat diaorang ambik tindakan tanpa pikir kekadang." Amirr's eyes were glassy as he spoke.

He was speaking from experience.

Hakeem could only nod. He gulped down at the implications.

He felt empty. Felt bare of the love that Kahar used to bring him.

God, is this what Amirr always feel with when he had been longing for Naim?

It hurts.

It hurts so bad.

<>

He powered through the week, waiting for it to end.

They pretended to be fine in front of Zahrin. Pretended to have made up.

Even though they wouldn't even make eye contact with each other. Even though Hakeem was shaking as he stood next to the other.

He was sure Zahrin didn't buy any of the bullshit they were spitting but he didn't say anything.

He was religiously avoiding Kahar every chance he gets now. Avoiding his gaze, his words, his try at coaxing him.

And with Kahar's routine of going on hangouts with Naim, it made it all easier.

He even takes the long way around getting anywhere just so he wouldn't coincidentally meet with Kahar.

Now whenever he catches Amirr in the corridors, they would exchange smiles and on evenings when everything felt too much, Hakeem would de-stress in the other's dorm room. Naim was ever hardly in there anyway, too busy running off somewhere with Kahar.

Hakeem let out a big sigh. He kicked a rock and watched it went down a drain.

He felt so tired.

Tired at having to keep living even though it felt like the world had stopped. Like his heart no longer beats. Like his breath would never come out again.

He was walking at the far edges of their hostel. Taking in deep breaths of nature's cool air as it helps him immensely by keeping him grounded.

He was rounding a corner when he had heard voices. He stopped and stayed still.

"-tapi kau tak boleh bukak lagi, naik dorm nanti baru boleh." He felt like his breathing stopped at the sound of Naim's voice.

"Ada-ada jela kau ni.."

As if the fates hates him, Kahar's voice spoke.

He wanted to flee. To get out of there. But his legs were frozen. He find himself not being able to move.

The flow of conversation hit his ears again. He couldn't make out the words.

They were whispering something. His ears strained.

Suddenly, the sound of something hitting a wall.

"Kahar.."

He couldn't describe what he had felt when he had heard Naim moaned Kahar's name. Or as the sound of their kissing hit his ears.

All his head was telling him to do was run. So he ran.

He ran away.

Ran from his heart that he left crumbling to pieces on the ground.

Ran away from the way his heart was torn. Slashed in multiple parts at once by something as simple as a kiss.

He ran straight for Amirr's dorm. He felt lightheaded. He felt dizzy. He wanted to puke.

"Woah, kau ok tak ni?" Luckily, Amirr caught him in time just outside the dorm room.

He bursts into tears at the question. Silently Amirr takes him into the dorm room and tended after the other as he cries uncontrollably.

Amirr let the other's tears soaked his bed as he tries to coax him into drinking more water.

Hakeem kept refusing everything and never stopped crying.

Amirr could only watched in pity.

If only he had somebody during the times he was pining for Naim.

He never wants anyone to feel just as he did so he swears to take care of Hakeem.

To never let him feel the heartbreak of being so alone and helpless.

He wants at least one of them to make it through a dark time in their life and came out as a survivor.

<>

Numb. That is all that's left of him.

It's true when they say love could change a person.

Hakeem never believed it but now that he has seen it for himself, felt it himself, experienced it himself, he knows it to be true.

Hakeem could notice the changes he has made as he tries to cope, day by day.

How much lesser he would eat and how much lesser he would talk. How he would be caught up in his own head more times than he could count.

Hakeem felt like he had been casted away upon a prison where he has to witness the one he loves, fall for another.

In a story where he is only the side character, watching everyone else get their happy ending.

Or an adversary against the love interest for the lead boy in a drama. Still fighting even though he knows the outcome.

Hakeem felt numb.

Numb as his tears dry away from his eyes. Enabling him to cry when the tears wouldn't come out anymore.

The heartbreak came in waves. Gruelling, appetite-stealing and sleepless waves.

His dejected heart keeps rejecting everything now.

Rejecting the meals, rejecting his slumber, rejecting his needs.

He stopped caring.

Caring led him to heartbreak. Caring torn his heart. Caring lost him the only person that he has fallen for.

He doesn't want to care anymore.

He doesn't want to get hurt.

Not again.

Never again in this lifetime.