Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. SHOWFALL MEDIA MALL - CONTINUOUS

We are somewhere within the mall, trapped in a LARGE ROOM that resembles an OLD WESTERN SET. A small town vibe, fake sand on the ground, tumbleweeds rolling across the road. The most notable buildings are a JAIL, a SALOON, a TWO-STORY HOTEL, and a TAILOR.

Our HERO (RANBOO, masked by a red bandana, absurdly large cowboy hat) RIDES in on a HORSE one would see on a merry-go-round. It BOBS UP AND DOWN, as if on a track, then abruptly STOPS. It won’t go any further. 

RANBOO

Awh, damn. 

Ranboo slides off, pats the horse, and looks towards the town. The direction they came from is completely BLACK. It’s as if they spawned from the void. 

Ranboo is wearing LONG JEANS. They keep scratching their legs, as if the material is uncomfortable. He immediately takes interest in the TAILOR shop nearby. 

RANBOO

Finally, salvation!

He practically RUNS towards the shop. The doors are, of course, swinging doors easily pushed open. Ranboo BURSTS in. 

INT. TAILOR - SHOWFALL MEDIA MALL

The shop is only filled with JORTS. Some are frayed, torn, bleached, painted, filled with patches, one pair is all pockets, while others are just completely normal. 

RANBOO

What the hell?

BEHIND THE COUNTER is THE PANTSMAN (JERMA, wearing red jorts with a puzzle piece pattern, yes I saw the Urban Dictionary definition and the Australian slang definition, this is just a man who really likes pants). 

The Pantsman is pretty much The Puzzler but sells jorts.

THE PANTSMAN

Howdy! Welcome to my shop. It’s incredible, isn’t it? Marvelous, even. 

RANBOO

Howdy? Why is it all just jorts?

THE PANTSMAN

(peeved)

Why are they all just jorts? Are you fuckin’ serious? 

RANBOO

Well, yeah, I mean, why just jorts?

THE PANTSMAN

If you can’t begin to comprehend the superior craftsmanship of jorts, there’s no hope for you. 

The Pantsman looks down at the pair of jeans Ranboo’s wearing. He looks disgusted.

RANBOO

What’s wrong?

THE PANTSMAN

What the hell are you wearing?

RANBOO

Jeans? I -- look, man, I’m just here to buy something more comfortable, okay? 

Ranboo begins to browse the walls, if only to appease the aggravated salesman.

RANBOO (CONT’D)

If all you have are jorts, then I guess I’ll get a pair of jorts. 

This brightens The Pantsman’s day. He moves around the counter and gestures towards every wall while he speaks. 

THE PANTSMAN

Oh! Well in that case, allow me to assist you. I think I’m supposed to have my rats help with this, but they don’t seem to be here right now. 

RANBOO

Rats?

The Pantsman waves him off. The rats are still on another set, and today he isn’t The Puzzler.

THE PANTSMAN

So, what kind of jorts are you looking for? Denim blue? Stonewashed? Tight or baggy? Rips? Tears? Frays? 

He could go on for hours. Ranboo just grabs the nearest pair to shut him up. 

THE PANTSMAN

Oh, oh, oh! That’s a good pair of jorts! Yes! I made all of these myself, you know. 

RANBOO

Wow, really? That’s pretty cool, actually. 

THE PANTSMAN

I know. I’m an artist. 

Awkward pause. He’s waiting for Ranboo to compliment him further. It doesn’t happen.

RANBOO

So is there somewhere I can try these on?

THE PANTSMAN

Of course, of course! Down the hallway there, to the left, make a right, make another left, pick any of the changing rooms you see. 

RANBOO

Cool, thanks. 

Ranboo departs. We are now left with The Pantsman, who now takes on a sinister role. 

THE PANTSMAN

I’ve spent years perfecting these jorts. But they aren’t just jorts, oh no no no. They’re machines. They have minds of their own, but it’s actually my mind, and I own them. 

He does the classic villain-rubs-hands-together. He seems to be talking to the wall. Literally. As if the camera is supposed to be there, but it’s not. 

THE PANTSMAN (CONT’D)

The Sheriff won’t be in control of this town much longer. It’s not big enough for the two of us. And he just bought a pair of my jorts the other day... 

RANBOO (O.S.)

Are you saying something?

Ranboo returns, now in jorts. He looks a lot more comfortable.

THE PANTSMAN

No! I wasn’t saying anything. You must be hearing things. 

RANBOO

Oh, okay then. How do my jorts look?

The camera ZOOMS in on the jorts for a moment. The Pantsman barely glances at them. 

THE PANTSMAN

Perfect, much better than whatever you were wearing earlier. 

RANBOO

Awesome. How much do I owe you for the jorts?

THE PANTSMAN

Oh, don’t you worry about that! You’ll pay me back one way or another... 

RANBOO

What?

THE PANTSMAN

You’ll see... 

Cryptic. PUZZLING, even. Ranboo slowly backs towards the entrance. 

RANBOO

Thanks, I guess? I’m just gonna go now. 

THE PANTSMAN

I’ll be seeing you around. 

Ranboo exits. What an awkward and strange experience! They look up at the false sky. The sun is beginning to set. 

RANBOO

Well. Guess I’d better find somewhere to sleep. 

They turn towards the HOTEL. Funny, but the hotel looks like a large cardboard outline of a hotel that’s been sloppily painted with black paint, but the doors seem to work. They walk towards it and enter. We are left outside as the sun fully sets. 

END OF TEASER

Chapter Text

ACT ONE

EXT. HOTEL - SHOWFALL MEDIA MALL. CONTINUOUS

It is now MORNING. Ranboo exits the hotel, seemingly well-rested. He stretches while looking at the fake sunrise. 

RANBOO

What a beautiful day.

It is not a beautiful day. Someone is SOBBING. Ranboo takes notice and walks a FEW STEPS. They now stand in front of the SALOON. NIKI (saloon owner, very nice, not a jort-wearer) is CRYING as the SHERIFF (SNEEG, bright blue jorts, his deputy FRANK is dragged along via a lasso) holds a NOTEPAD and draws pictures instead of taking notes (he can’t read what makes you think he can write?). 

SNEEG

Uh huh, and then what happened?

NIKI

(choked up)

You arrived and began asking me questions.

SNEEG

Okay, and then what?

Niki just stares, baffled at the pure incompetence of the Sheriff. She notices Ranboo and happily welcomes his arrival.

NIKI

Hi. I like your jorts. They’re very nice. 

RANBOO

Oh, thank you. Are you okay? What’s going on over here?

SNEEG

HEY, my partner and I are the ones asking the questions here, partner.

Ranboo looks equally as baffled, but waits for Sneeg to ask a question. He simply doesn’t.

RANBOO

So -- 

SNEEG

Don’t interrupt Frank! He’s asking a VERY important question!

Ranboo looks down at the skeleton. Back to Sneeg. Back to Niki, who just shakes her head. Back to Sneeg. 

RANBOO

What did he say?

SNEEG

He asked where you were last night. What, you didn’t hear him or something?

RANBOO

No, sorry, I didn’t, but I was at the hotel last night. Why?

Sneeg looks off to the sunrise. He turns Frank’s head to look, too. Niki sighs. 

NIKI

My saloon was robbed last night. It was too dark to see who it was, but I heard a manly voice. They were saying something about... 

SNEEG

About what?

NIKI

About jorts... Did you not write that down when I told you?

SNEEG

Frank was supposed to write that down, okay? There’s no need to get so hostile, he’s just a little shy. 

NIKI

Oh, sorry, Frank. 

SNEEG

That’s DEPUTY Frank to you.

Niki corrects her mistake. Frank deadpans. Ranboo is so confused. 

RANBOO

Well, I’m very sorry to hear about your saloon. I should probably get going now. 

SNEEG

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

Sneeg rests his hand on a COMICALLY LARGE WATER GUN. 

SNEEG (CONT’D)

No one goes anywhere until Frank and I solve this mystery. Who do you think you are? The new Sheriff in town?

RANBOO

No, not at all! I just needed some new pants is all -- wait, is that a water gun?

SNEEG

Yeah. What are you, some kind of genius?

RANBOO

Why is it a water gun? Why don’t you have a real gun?

SNEEG

Nothing’s worse than the feeling of wet jeans, or I guess it’s jorts these days. 

RANBOO

No, yeah, I can understand that logic. 

He can’t. But he’s trying to be agreeable to win Sneeg over. It seems to work. 

SNEEG

Okay. I think the next move is to take you in for questioning... ermmm, what’s your name?

RANBOO

Ranboo, or Ranboo, either one works. 

SNEEG

Cool. Can you follow me to the jail? 

RANBOO

Uh, yeah, sure, I guess I can do that. Like I said though, I just came here for a new pair of pants -- 

SNEEG

Let’s talk about it once we get to the jail. I have a couple suspects there already. 

Ranboo agrees to follow the Sheriff, who introduces himself as Sheriff Sneeg. Niki calls after them: “It was nice to meet you!” She does not seem hopeful about the Sheriff’s ability to solve the case. Who can blame her? He’s carrying so much dead weight. 

Ranboo and Sneeg banter as they enter the JAIL... 

END OF ACT ONE

Chapter Text

ACT TWO

INT. JAIL - SHOWFALL MEDIA MALL. CONTINUOUS

The jail is SMALL. There is one HOLDING CELL, and it’s already occupied by CHARLIE (green jorts, looks VERY guilty). Ranboo looks at the cell. 

RANBOO

I thought you said there were already a couple people here. 

SNEEG

Yeah. 

RANBOO

Doesn’t that mean two or more?

SNEEG

Well, I can’t count. My bad.

Sneeg opens the jail cell. Ranboo walks in without questioning it. Sneeg CLOSES the cell, but doesn’t lock it. He just jingles the keys around a bit. Ranboo sits on a bench next to Charlie. Charlie is picking at the cuffs of his jorts. 

SNEEG (CONT’D)

Alright, you two, listen up. Frank and I have one more piece of unfinished business to attend to. Hang tight, we’ll be back soon. 

Ranboo tries to ask where they’re going, but they just leave. They’re left alone with Charlie. Awkward pause. 

RANBOO

Hey, man, you doing okay?

Charlie nervously laughs. Scoots further away. 

CHARLIE

Shit, dude, I think my jorts are about to catch on fire soon. I don’t know what to do.

RANBOO

Wait, are you actually the guy that robbed the saloon?

CHARLIE

No! I -- okay, there’s really no point in trying to explain it to you. You won’t believe me. It’s ridiculous. 

RANBOO

What? Were you framed or something?

Charlie stares at his jorts, almost fearful they’ll cut off his circulation from the waist down and cut him in half. 

CHARLIE

Dude, man, these jorts... 

RANBOO

Yeah?

CHARLIE

There’s a serious problem in my jorts. 

RANBOO

WHAT? What does that even mean?

CHARLIE

I don’t even know, man! I was asleep last night, and then I woke up and I was walking into the saloon, but I couldn’t stop walking! It’s like the jorts took over -- no, see, it sounds silly, I know it does! 

RANBOO

The jorts made you steal from the saloon.

He says this more as a statement rather than a question. Yep. This guy might be crazy. 

CHARLIE

Yes, dude! I couldn’t control my legs, and then they started to whisper to me: “Charlie, things are not as they seam. Charlie, you need to grab that bag of gold. Charlie, Charlie, are you there? Charlie, if you don’t do as I say, these jorts will cut you in half. You’ll have to wear overalls to hold yourself together. Overalls are NOT in style right now.” 

RANBOO

Oh god, they said all that?

CHARLIE

YES! They told me I had to take the gold, I didn’t want to but what was I supposed to do!? The jorts started to tighten, man! They got so tight... I thought I was a goner. I had to take the gold... I can’t wear overalls, man... 

RANBOO

Where did you take the gold after that?

CHARLIE

I don’t know! The voice said I had to close my eyes and not to peek. I walked somewhere, I don’t know where, and someone took the gold. Then I heard someone laugh, and then I think they choked on their own spit? It was just a lot of coughing and choking sounds. Then I walked somewhere else and the jorts told me I could open my eyes, and I was in this cell. You gotta believe me, man!

Ranboo doesn’t know how to feel about this. He scratches his head, deep in thought. 

RANBOO

I don’t know, man. That sounds crazy. 

CHARLIE

I KNOW IT DOES! Look, can you please just try to help me out here? I know you don't know me, but you’re all I’ve got right now. I don’t think Frank likes me very much, and Sneeg trusts anything Frank says. I’m so fucked if we don’t figure out who did this. 

RANBOO

Even if I could help you, we’re stuck in this jail cell. How would we gather any evidence?

CHARLIE

Oh, Sneeg doesn’t lock the cell when he leaves.

RANBOO

What?

CHARLIE

Yeah, he keeps it unlocked in case one of us has to use the bathroom. 

RANBOO

That seems... You know what? I’m not complaining. Let’s get out of here and look for clues?

Ranboo almost always sounds confused. Charlie doesn’t blame him. 

CHARLIE

Yeah! Yeah, that sounds good. I don’t know where to even start looking, though. 

RANBOO

There’s a lot of sand outside, right? Maybe we can find your tracks and follow them to wherever you were last night. 

CHARLIE

Then it could lead us to whoever set me up! That’s brilliant, man, thank you! 

The duo get up and exit the cell. Ranboo peeks out the jail door and glimpses around outside. 

RANBOO

I don’t see the Sheriff anywhere. Let’s do this thing. 

They exit the jail... 

EXT. JAIL - SHOWFALL MEDIA MALL. CONTINUOUS

Almost immediately, we can see footprints that weren’t there before. They're cartoonish prints that are black for some reason and absurdly larger than the person’s actual foot. Our hero and his new friend don’t notice them right away. 

RANBOO

Alright, where should we look first?

CHARLIE

Let’s check around the entrance. 

Charlie gets LOW to the ground and CRAWLS. He eventually finds one of the large footprints. 

CHARLIE

Found them! I recognize that shoe pattern anywhere. 

There is no shoe pattern. It’s just a smooth print that was placed there by someone. 

RANBOO

Huh! We have the trail, now let’s follow it! Just keep an eye out for the Sheriff. I’m sure he won’t be happy if he finds us out and about. 

Like expert detectives in Scooby-Doo, Ranboo and Charlie follow the trail of Charlie’s footprints. They occasionally must DUCK and COVER behind barrels and crates when Sneeg appears walking around with Frank, seemingly doing nothing to solve the case. He occasionally says things like “I guess we’re walking in this direction now”, “Frank, I think we’re getting a raise after this one”, or something similar. There is also constant conversation with Frank. Ranboo and Charlie banter as they walk and hide, and even greet Niki, who is still crying.

Finally, the duo makes a big discovery. The footprints seem to EXIT the Tailor’s shop after having ENTERED it. 

CHARLIE

Wait, man, I don’t remember going in here last night. 

RANBOO

This must be where you dropped off the gold! When your eyes were closed! I guess the Pantsman set you up?

CHARLIE

Surely not. I thought he was a cool dude! We even had a little handshake and everything... Why would he do this?

RANBOO

I don’t know, but if you said the jorts were talking to you, and that you couldn’t control where you were walking... Who is the one person in this town that makes jorts?

It clicks in Charlie’s mind. 

CHARLIE

It all makes sense now... Why didn’t I see it before!?

RANBOO

I don’t know, man. It was dark, wasn’t it?

CHARLIE

Yeah, it was pretty dark. You’re right. I couldn’t have known. There’s no way anyone would have guessed he was behind the evil jorts.

Ranboo notes that the footprints come from the direction of the saloon, just to further confirm that Charlie came to the Tailor IMMEDIATELY AFTER stopping at the saloon.

RANBOO

Should we go tell the Sheriff what we found?

CHARLIE

I don’t think he’ll believe us. You didn’t believe me right away when I told you what happened. 

RANBOO

That’s true... So we should talk to the Pantsman, then. Maybe figure out his endgame and how he controls the jorts. 

Both agree to the plan. They decide to confidently walk into the shop... 

END OF ACT TWO

Chapter Text

ACT THREE

INT. TAILOR - SHOWFALL MEDIA MALL

Somehow, there are more jorts. On the walls, on the floor, on the ceiling. Piles of jorts. Neatly folded stacks of jorts. Just jorts. As Ranboo and Charlie enter, a PAIR OF SPARKLY JORTS FALLS ON RANBOO’S HEAD. It’s almost as if it’s trying to wrap around his head. 

RANBOO

CHARLIE, HELP ME!!

CHARLIE

FUCK, MAN!!

Charlie GRABS the jorts and SLAMS them on the ground. They don’t move. Were they even an actual threat? Probably not. Ranboo is panting, as if they’ve been in an epic and stressful battle against a goopy demon. 

RANBOO

Thanks, man. Those really came out of nowhere. 

CHARLIE

Yeah, no, that’s crazy! You’re PANTing after that!

Ranboo stares at him. A laugh track should be playing, but it’s broken. No one is laughing. 

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

Was it the delivery of the pun, or was it really not funny?

RANBOO

We should really get to looking for The Pantsman. 

CHARLIE

No, you’re right. I’ll try to think of something funnier on the way. 

Ranboo and Charlie spend some time looking at all the jorts. Why ARE there so many jorts? Where did they all come from? 

RANBOO

It’s like he created a whole army of jorts. 

CHARLIE

Wait, if these jorts controlled where I was going... 

Charlie begins to pull the jorts down. Ranboo protests. 

RANBOO

Charlie, wait, I don’t know about that -- 

CHARLIE

What if he activates them to cut me in half!? I don’t want the overalls! I -- 

RANBOO

But surely they offer some kind of protection against any security that might be in here, right?

Charlie considers it. Slowly, he nods. 

CHARLIE

Fine, fuck it. The jorts stay on. I’m not afraid of a pair of jean shorts. Nope. THEY should be afraid of ME!

He’s petrified. Wouldn’t be surprised if he shit his jorts. Ranboo looks at his own pair of jorts, very concerned for his own safety. 

RANBOO

Okay...  Let’s get moving. 

They continue deeper into the shop. The sales floor turns into a small LAUNDRY ROOM. Though it is small, there are at least seven washers and only one dryer. 

CHARLIE

Well, at least we know all the jorts he sells are clean. Probably. 

Ranboo slightly nods in agreement. They pick up a JUG OF DETERGENT. 

RANBOO

Think this could be useful?

CHARLIE

Fuck it, dude, at this point we should try anything. 

Ranboo takes the cap OFF. He POURS some into the cap. 

RANBOO

Oh, it’s green. And slimy. 

CHARLIE

Should we use some on our jorts? Maybe it’ll weaken them?

RANBOO

I mean... I guess we should. It’s better than nothing. 

They take turns dunking detergent on their jorts. Ranboo complains about the slime, but Charlie doesn’t seem bothered. He’s used to slime. It probably runs through his veins. 

RANBOO

Awh, ew! This is not how I imagined my search for pants going... 

CHARLIE

Yeah? Is that why you came to this town? 

RANBOO

Yep. 

CHARLIE

How’d you get here?

RANBOO

On my trusty steed. 

CHARLIE

Trusty steed? But I didn’t see or hear any horses --

RANBOO

No, you wouldn’t, my steed goes to another stable. 

Charlie ponders this for a moment while grabbing some dryer sheets and stuffing them in his pockets. 

CHARLIE

Yeah, so, uh... What the fuck does that mean?

Ranboo only shrugs. He is a mysterious hero. Charlie opens one of the washers. It’s full of soggy jorts. He gags.

CHARLIE

You know, this town... It used to be more lively. The pants, they were incredible... not jorts, PANTS. Baggy pants, flowy pants that blew in the hot winds of the desert, skirts that created a beautiful collage of colors when you twirled... Now it’s just jorts. Evil, itchy, uncomfy jorts. My family comes from a long leg of jeans, but now look at me. 

The jorts are dripping with laundry detergent, almost like they’re weeping.

RANBOO

That’s terrible. What happened to the pants?

Charlie looks around, as if he’s paranoid that any sentient jorts may be listening. 

CHARLIE

This town... It does things to people’s minds. You saw the Sheriff. 

RANBOO

Yeah?

CHARLIE

He used to always complain about authority. The idea of becoming the sheriff always made him giggle or go on long tangents about why he would never become a man of the law. 

RANBOO

What happened to make him change his mind?

CHARLIE

I don’t know! He just woke up one day and knocked on my door and went “Charlie, there’s a new sheriff in town.” Then he spit on me and galloped away. I don’t know, man, it was weird. 

RANBOO

Is the water here poisoned or something? 

CHARLIE

No, I think it’s just what was in the script. 

Charlie and Ranboo deadpan at the camera. Then they go back to their search. 

RANBOO

Alright, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool... Let’s find a way to end this jortpocalypse. 

Deeper into the shop they go... 

END OF ACT THREE

Chapter Text

ACT FOUR

INT. DEEPER INTO THE TAILOR SHOP - SHOWFAL MEDIA MALL. CONTINUOUS

This shop is impossibly massive. Infinite IKEA who? Ranboo and Charlie now appear to be in a workshop. There are walls of fabric, various sewing machines, massive spools of thread, needles even bigger than the spools, and a paper shredder with a half-shredded pair of jeans. It’s clear that the machine broke while in the process of shredding the jeans. 

Shredded pants of all shapes, sizes, and colors lay on the floor like corpses. There are even chalk outlines on the ground of where pairs of pants once were, with zig-zag lines drawn on the legs to show where the fabric should be cut to make them into jorts. 

CHARLIE

It’s a fucking pant cemetery... 

Charlie holds out a single dryer sheet in front of him. Then he sniffs it to calm him down. Ranboo uncaps the detergent and creeps around the room like a tall gremlin. 

RANBOO

This must be where ports are mutilated to become jorts. 

CHARLIE

Ports?

RANBOO

Pre-jorts. 

CHARLIE

Oh. Makes sense, makes sense. So where is The Pantsman?

They look around the room. Ranboo finds two pairs of overalls. One is green, the other is blue (da ba dee da ba di). 

RANBOO

Charlie, look. 

Charlie looks. He does not like what he sees. 

CHARLIE

I can’t believe I used to wear those. 

RANBOO

Yeah, that shade of green is just -- 

CHARLIE

Yeah, it’s beautiful, but the overalls are so -- 

RANBOO

That’s not what I meant -- 

CHARLIE

No, yeah, I totally get what you’re saying. 

RANBOO

I don’t think you do -- 

CHARLIE

Hey, do you hear that?

Someone is SINGING. It’s very bad. Charlie even covers his ears for a moment. 

RANBOO

That sounds like The Pantsman. 

CHARLIE

Alright, so what do we do? What’s the actual plan? Do we just... kill him?

RANBOO

I don’t know. Does he really deserve to die? I mean, all he did was make you rob the saloon. 

CHARLIE

He also threatened for the jorts to cut off my circulation and cut me from the waist down! 

RANBOO

Okay, yeah, that was a little much. Let’s just “yes, and” the situation and see how it goes. 

Charlie nods in agreement. They walk deeper into the shop. 

ON THE RIGHT WALL is a silhouette of The Pantsman, chin looking bigger than the last we saw it. Our terrified duo slowly rounds the corner. Ranboo throws a cap full of detergent. Charlie tries to throw a dryer sheet, but it just falls a few inches away. They are both screaming. 

SNEEG

Oh, howdy, guys. 

Sneeg is fitting a pair of jorts onto Frank. There’s a pair stuck in his ribcage, too. The Pantsman is nowhere in sight. 

RANBOO

Sheriff?

CHARLIE

What -- where’s The Pantsman?

SNEEG

Oh, he said he had an extra special pair of jorts he needed to finish. 

RANBOO

And what are YOU doing here?

SNEEG

Frank felt a little cold, so I thought I’d get him some jorts. Wait... Why are you two out of your cells?

RANBOO

It was only one cell... 

SNEEG

I still can’t count. Don’t be a dick. 

CHARLIE

We got lost trying to find the bathroom... 

SNEEG

Again? Charlie, I told you where it was the last time you were in jail. 

RANBOO

Wait, you were in jail before?

CHARLIE

(sighs)

I forgot to give Frank a present for his birthday. 

SNEEG

That’s usually punishable by death. I let you off easy. You’re welcome. 

CHARLIE

Thanks, man. Sorry about that, Deputy. 

Frank just stares. 

RANBOO

Sheriff, we figured out who’s behind all of this. Charlie didn’t purposefully rob the saloon! The Pantsman made him do it!

SNEEG

That’s ridiculous. How?

RANBOO

The jorts! He somehow controls the jorts to control the person wearing them. 

Sneeg looks down at his own pair of blue jorts. He looks back up at Ranboo. 

SNEEG

Wait. Do you think that means -- 

Suddenly, Sneegs RUNS towards Ranboo and KICKS at him. Ranboo STUMBLES back. Sneeg does his silly “AAAHH” scream. 

SNEEG

My legs! I can’t control them! Someone stop me, I’m going crazy!

Sneeg is now spinning around in circles. He’s knocking over tools and stepping on the lifeless remnants of ports. A true tragedy. 

SNEEG

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Panicked, Sneeg unholsters his WATER GUN and starts SHOOTING. Ranboo’s jorts are hit! Surely this is the end... 

RANBOO

Man, now they’re all soapy. 

They are, in fact, soapy now. That should be the least of our hero’s concerns, though. Sneeg is still SHOOTING his water gun. Surely it’s almost out of water.

CHARLIE

Sneeg! Come on, man, you have to fight the jorts! You’re about to become a fuckin’ jortnado! Is that what Frank wants!?

SNEEG

No… No, it’s not what he would want! He wouldn’t want this!

Sneeg resists against the jorts. He tries going in the opposite direction of the way the jorts want to go. It’s slowing down... 

SNEEG

IT’S WORKING!

Catastrophe strikes. The jorts constrict. Sneeg is cut in half. His legs RUN while the other half of his body FALLS to the ground. 

CHARLIE

NOOOOOOO! SNEEG!

Charlie TACKLES the pair of legs. They KICK, but Charlie’s determined. He follows them as they run OFF THE SCREEN, back towards the previous room. Ranboo crouches next to Sneeg’s upper body. Sneeg is oozing out blue blood. 

SNEEG

Ranboo, I can’t feel my legs. 

RANBOO

Ah, geez... Um, I don’t know what to say... Sorry for your loss. Or losses?

SNEEG

What am I supposed to do on leg day now?

RANBOO

THAT’S your concern?

SNEEG

I’m sorry, are you the one who just lost his legs? I don’t think so. 

Sneeg tries to scoop his blood back into his body. 

SNEEG (CONT’D)

Can you bring Frank over here, please? I... I want to say goodbye. 

Ranboo nods. They stand, turn towards the seat Frank was sitting in, but... 

Frank is gone. 

RANBOO

Wuh oh. 

SNEEG

What is it? Is Frank okay? Is he safe?

RANBOO

He’s not here anymore. 

SNEEG

WHAT!? 

Sneeg turns his head to look. Sure enough, no Frank.

SNEEG

He betrayed me... Now I’ll die alone. No one is here to say goodbye... 

RANBOO

Well, I’m here for ya, man. 

SNEEG

Wait... So you equal one?

RANBOO

Yes. And together, we make two. 

Sneeg’s face lights up with enlightenment. Finally. He knows how to count to two. 

SNEEG

Thanks, dude. Now I can die happy... 

Sneeg starts to close his eyes, but then, Charlie RUNS back in, dragging half-occupied blue overalls. He is now in his green overalls, jorts abandoned. 

CHARLIE

SNEEG! Sneeg, man, stay awake! 

Charlie falls to Sneeg’s side. He begins sliding his upper half into the overalls. He asks Ranboo for help, which he receives. Together they put Sneeg back together. The moment they strap Sneeg in his eyes open, and he slowly stands. 

SNEEG

Woah... Guys... Did you just... 

He looks at Charlie’s green overalls.

SNEEG (CONT’D)

Charlie... I thought you would never wear those again, not after our big fight... 

Charlie wipes a tear from his eye. Sneeg sniffles. 

CHARLIE

In the jortpocalypse, I’m overall happy to survive it with you.

SNEEG

That makes two of us.

RANBOO

And I make three.

Sneeg has learned to count to three. It’s a touching moment. They almost forget the danger they’re in. But they still have to find and stop The Pantsman... 

END OF ACT FOUR  

Chapter Text

ACT FIVE

INT. THEY JUST KEEP GOING DEEPER INTO THE SHOP. HOW THE FUCK IS IT CONTINUOUS??? IS IT JUST THE ENTIRE LOWER LEVEL OF THE MALL? WHAT THE FUCK??

With Sneeg fully functional (because overalls are keeping him together), the RGB Trio takes a moment to recover from their epic battle (it was a one-sided battle with a water gun). They are back in the room where Charlie retrieved the overalls. 

RANBOO

Surely I should change out of these jorts, too, right?

SNEEG

Oh, so now you want to copy us? This is kind of a best friends thing -- 

CHARLIE

Sneeg, this guy just helped save your literal ass from running away from the rest of your body.

SNEEG

“This guy”? What, do you not know his name?

Charlie has never asked Ranboo for his name. Charlie has never been in the room to hear Ranboo’s name. Charlie has not said Ranboo’s name once. 

CHARLIE

Sure I do... What a great guy... 

SNEEG

You want them to have matching best friend overalls and don’t even know their name?

RANBOO

To be fair, we’ve been more focused on solving a case that you were clearly slacking on. 

SNEEG

I wasn’t slacking! Frank and I had some errands to run, okay? And -- 

CHARLIE

And where’s Frank now, Sneeg? Where the fuck is he?

This silences Sneeg. Ranboo hisses in the “ooo awkward” way, or “ooo that’s gonna leave a mark.” You know what I mean? That recoiling sound like they’ve been impacted just as much as the actual person under fire. 

RANBOO

I don’t NEED matching overalls, I can just -- 

CHARLIE

This town is big enough for three overall wearers. We need to show The Pantsman that we mean business. 

Charlie moves towards a SPOOL OF RED DENIM. He pulls some of it out. 

CHARLIE (CONT'D)

If that means we need to MAKE our own pair of overalls for you, then so be it. 

SNEEG

Whatever. I’m down for it.

The trio works together in a RAPID MONTAGE: Sneeg filling his water gun with detergent and water; Ranboo with scissors cutting the denim; Charlie measuring Ranboo’s height; Sneeg testing out a sewing machine; Charlie and Ranboo figure out where to put pockets; Sneeg tries to figure out how to spell Ranboo’s name; they continue to work until finally, a pair of RED OVERALLS is complete. Ranboo is seen wearing them, posing like an action figure. 

CHARLIE

Those are so sick, dude. 

RANBOO

Thanks, man. 

SNEEG

Yeah, they’re pretty cool. Frank woulda loved them... 

Again with the Frank talk. Is that a tear in his eye?

RANBOO

Alright. I think we’re ready. 

Ranboo dual wields two jugs of detergent. Charlie follows suit with a jug of fabric softener. Sneeg has his water/detergent gun at the ready. No one talks about the blue blood seeping through his blue overalls. 

SNEEG

I reckon we get this sunofabitch. 

CHARLIE

Down with the jorts. 

Deeper into the shop they go. At this point it does just look like the mall, but with racks of jorts, fabric, thread, piles of clothes, and dyes along the way. The trio banters while they walk, until finally, they are in a room with a MASSIVE pair of jorts. The jorts are also slowly rotating. Sometimes the little legs slowly kick back and forth. 

RANBOO

What the fuck... 

CHARLIE

Are we in Texas? Isn’t everything bigger there or something?

SNEEG

This is the West. 

Smaller pairs of jorts are in lifeless clumps around the room. The Pantsman steps out from behind the large jorts, a REMOTE WITH A RED BUTTON in his hand. 

THE PANTSMAN

You... This should be impossible! How are you both here!?

SNEEG

Hey! “Both” means two. There’s three of us. 

The Pantsman just stares at him. 

RANBOO

The clues were all there. It wasn’t that hard to figure it out. 

THE PANTSMAN

But how did you fight the control of my jorts!?

RANBOO

What are you talking about? Sneeg? He just -- 

THE PANTSMAN

NO! YOU! I nanochipped those jorts myself! You should have robbed the candy store last night... Why didn’t you!? 

CHARLIE

WE HAVE A CANDY STORE IN TOWN!?

RANBOO

We’ll get back to that, Charlie. Did you say you nanochipped the jorts?

THE PANTSMAN

YES! That’s how I control them. It’s how I communicate with the wearers. It’s how I control this town. So how did you do it!?

RANBOO

I washed them in the sink and left them to dry while I was asleep? 

The Pantsman is, of course, baffled by this. 

THE PANTSMAN

You WASHED them!?

RANBOO

Yes? Why is that so shocking?

THE PANTSMAN

So soon after buying them!?

RANBOO

Shouldn’t you always wash clothes after buying them…? You know, because other people could’ve worn them, or there could be dust on them, you know, there’s a lot of reasons to wash them before -- 

CHARLIE

Shit, is that true? I’ve worn these bad boys four days in a row... 

Sneeg looks equally as guilty. He’s also looking longingly for Frank. The Pantsman is FURIOUS. 

THE PANTSMAN

You weren’t supposed to do that!! This isn’t how it was supposed to go! And you! How are you still alive!?

Sneeg shrugs.

SNEEG

Physics? Anatomy? The power of friendship? I don’t know, it was in the script or something. 

This makes sense to The Pantsman. He just nods a bit before remembering he’s supposed to be pissed off. 

THE PANTSMAN

Whatever. Whatever! It’s fine, I can recover from this. I was hoping I would have the Sheriff on my side, but I can do this without you. I can do this without all of you! 

The trio look at each other, confused.

RANBOO

Do what?

THE PANTSMAN

(maniacal laugh)

You’ll see. Or, you won’t, actually. You’ll all be dead. 

The Pantsman pulls out ANOTHER switch and PRESSES the button. Nothing happens. Everyone is silent for about ten seconds. 

SNEEG

Is something supposed to happen, or...?

THE PANTSMAN

Give it a second. 

More seconds go by. Still, nothing. The Pantsman presses the button again.

THE PANTSMAN

Fuck. Maybe I should have pressed this a bit earlier.

Finally, dropping out from one of the legs of the large jorts, is Frank. The jorts are ACTIVATED. He can walk. He slowly creeps towards the trio. Sneeg lowers his water gun. 

SNEEG

Frank?

Charlie and Ranboo look at one another knowingly. Frank’s already dead.

RANBOO

Awh, geez... 

CHARLIE

This is such a low blow, Pantsman. Fucked up. 

Sneeg is reaching towards his skeleton friend. Frank KICKS a leg out. Sneeg is kicked in the ankle, but he dramatically FALLS to the ground, broken by betrayal. 

SNEEG

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM!? 

The Pantsman is very giddy at his success in weaponizing Frank. Charlie sighs, walks over, and YANKS the jorts from Frank’s legs. Frank crumbles to the ground, lifeless once again. 

RANBOO

Good work, Charlie. 

CHARLIE

Thanks, Ranboo. 

Sneeg has pulled Frank away from the jorts. Ranboo drizzles some detergent on the jorts, just in case. It seems to work. 

THE PANTSMAN

IMPOSSIBLE! How are you doing this!? Seriously, how!? 

RANBOO

I don’t know. 

CHARLIE

Cope and seethe, bitch!

The Puzzler starts spamming the button on the OTHER remote. This time, jorts EXPLODE from the large pair of jorts, as well as from every entrance in sight. Soon the group is surrounded. Sneeg stands back up, somehow tucking Frank into the back of his overalls with help from Charlie. 

SNEEG

Watch my three, Frank.

Everything is in slow motion, and it's very cinematic and epic. Beautiful, even. Breathtaking. Detergent is launched. Fabric softener rains down from the heavens. Soapy water jets across the hordes. One after another after another after another, the jorts lose their sense of sentience. Some, in surrender, politely fold themselves on the ground, even piling up to make stacks. The Pantsman is slowly backing away... 

THE PANTSMAN

This wasn’t how it was meant to go... Jorts, retreat! Just fucking RUN!!

The Pantsman runs/hobbles, but is soon carried away by the few remaining loyal jorts. Finally, the jortpocalypse is over... 

Our hero high fives his new friends. 

RANBOO

We did it! We stopped The Pantsman!

CHARLIE

Man, I say we really TAILORED to each other’s strengths and weaknesses there, huh?

Sneeg is nodding in approval of his friend’s pun. They all continue to talk while making the long, long, absurdly long walk back to the entrance of the shop. They exit... 

EXT. TAILOR SHOP. SHOWFALL MEDIA MALL - CONTINUOUS

The sun is setting. There are LOUD CHEERS coming from the saloon. Fireworks go off. Who is lighting them? What are they celebrating? Must be in the script. 

The RGB Trio stands like superheroes in their overalls. 

CHARLIE

So now what?

RANBOO

It’s time for me to take my leave. This town ain’t big enough for the both of us, right?

He says this to Sneeg. Sneeg shakes his head.

SNEEG

No, this town ain’t big enough for this trio. 

CHARLIE

Sneeg, actually, it’s four, so it's a quad --

SNEEG

Let’s put this dark, terrible place behind us. Let’s ride off into the sunset!

Charlie doesn’t finish correcting him. He just smiles and nods. They all head towards the town entrance, where there’s not one, not two, not three, but four horses from a carousel. Sneeg helps Frank into his horse, making sure he’s secured. 

CHARLIE

Aww! Frank loves horses! This is so perfect for him. 

SNEEG

He does! You remembered. 

RANBOO

Everyone ready to go? The sun’s almost set. 

They all saddle up. Slowly, they begin to move forward, bobbing up and down, into the sunset. 

BLACK SCREEN

END OF EPISODE