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The Day Gooey Jaywalked

Summary:

Quite a few of the Star Allies (along with some other people) face their most unnecessarily frustrating challenge yet - successfully crossing the street.

Notes:

I do not own Kirby. It belongs to Hal Laboratories and Nintendo.

This is obviously inspired by 'Failboat's Kirby: Planet Robobot stream but only the jaywalking parts', but I'm not certain who to credit through the usual "inspired by" function of this site, so have a Youtube link instead: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_OnrHVFNIU

The name "Moundo's Rock Rambles" (And the concept of Moundo doing podcasts) is from a comment on one of the "Beam Attack - The Story So Far" videos, I forget which one specifically.

Please value your bodily safety.

Work Text:

This story begins with Kirby, Magolor, and Meta Knight binge-listening to podcasts at the Lor Starcutter. Kirby, enjoying radio shows after his adventures in the New World but lacking either a radio or smartphone, had taken into visiting random buildings to listen in, so Magolor had eventually relented and let him us the Lor for this purpose - at about the same time Meta Knight was planning to do the same with the Halberd, hence why he had first shown up to these. These sessions, however, are not the topic of this story - rather, the results of this one are. Hence, at what seemed be the end of the latest episode of Moundo's Rock Rambles-

 

"You know, I've been thinking about, I don't know, giving like tickets to the recording sessions, but like, what would that even do? I mean, I am considering, uh... branching out, but these are audio recordings, there's nothing to- well I suppose I could do it just like, once, see if it's okay... Uh, if you find tickets to my apartment being sold in Resolution Road, that's why that's happening. You know, in case there's some other reason people would be selling tickets to my place of residence. If you can think of one, please, uh... email me. I think that's what all the kids are doing these days." It should be noted that all of Moundo's non-podcast-related technology was also from before the wide adoption of smartphones. This was also why he wasn't a streamer.

 

"How's that supposed to work? You have enough sense to not share your email address on public recordings," Magolor sniped back, thought he fact that he was doing this to an already-complete audio recording did somewhat lessen the impact.

 

"I do not believe that has occurred to our stone host," replied Meta Knight.

 

"And most people use these podcasts to help them go to sleep! I don't think Moundo would be very encouraged if he thought people thought he was boring," added Kirby.

 

"Well," Magolor began, "I find this rock's many aimless tangents to be highly engaging! And you two probably do too, you both knew what ASMR was but didn't introduce this podcast as one." It was then Magolor did the face reserved for having 'a wonderful, terrible idea', though as he still had his hood and scarf on and neither puffball had ever watched the original How The Grinch Stole Christmas cartoon special neither noticed. "Actually-"

 

"Before we continue this line of thought, I would like to add I don't think that's how ASMR works," said Meta Knight.

 

"Well, do you know how it works?" Magolor's question was met with nothing but a tumbleweed. "How's there a breeze indoors? But anyways... if we're there, we'll be able to stay awake! Thus, Moundo will know at least someone earnestly appreciates and fully listens to his podcasts," he says, talking over the podcast, "and that means he'll be less likely to get discouraged and stop making them!" Magolor began his best imitation of a cicada with his hands. "In other words... we need to nab those tickets!"

 

"Provided they actually exist, of course."

 

"...I'm working on it, Meta Knight!"

 


 

A few hours later, our trio had finally made it to Resolution Road, which as it turned out no one had bothered make not be a relatively modern city anymore after the Haltmann Works Company's invasion, hence why Moundo was able to get an apartment.

 

"In hindsight, we really should have worked out where the tickets would be hypothetically sold before we set out to purchase them," said Meta Knight. "And what's with these lights above the streets?"

 

"Oh!," began Kirby, "Those are stoplights! See those Waddle Dees in cars? Those tell them when they should go compared to when we should go."

 

"...The three of us specifically?..."

 

"Anyone not in a car! I could've worded that better, sorry."

 

"...These Waddle Dees are somehow the most law-abiding vehicle operators I've ever seen," admitted Magolor. "Seriously, I would've expected at least three of them to go through a red light by now."

 

It was at this point that Susie wandered onto the scene. "Thank you! Haltmann Works is proud to provide the most comprehensive Driver's Ed courses this side of Gamble Galaxy!"

 

"Wha- SUSIE!? When did you get here!?"

 

"Oh, just now. It always pays to be early to staff meetings." Susie paused to think for a moment. "Maybe the three of you would like to take the course? It will probably help you with your crashing problems."

 

"Very funny," muttered Meta Knight. "How exactly would a course about ground vehicles translate to space-tight machines, anyways?"

 

"Oh, it's not just for cars. Buses, blimps, space shuttles, forklifts, forklifts that can lift other forklifts, forklifts that can lift those forklifts - You name it, it's a mobile machine one is expected to be inside of and works best with tactile feedback, we cover it!" Susie then pulled a watch out of nowhere and checked it. "Great, you've distracted me for a minute! Now I'm only going to be four minutes early to the staff meeting, got to go!" Susie then summoned her Business Suit and quickly took off across the road - not waiting for the light to change.

 

Kirby looked at Susie go with an incredibly confused expressions. "I- bu- wha- the cars... How did... HUUUUUUHHHHHH?"

 

Magolor looked at Kirby. "Um... Kirby... are you okay?" Kirby was, rather obviously, not okay, unable to process the great disregard for one's bodily safety occurring in front of him - not because of said lack of regard, mind you.

 

"Oh?," asked a nearby Telepathos, "What's got Gritty in Pink so baffled today?"

 

"First of, my kayfabe persona is 'The Pink Demon' now!," shouted Kirby. "Secondly... what the heck did I just see?"

 

The Telepathos turned around. "It's a crosswalk - or a zebra crossing if you're from Great Britain or the UK or whatever it's calling itself now. Though I do think misunderstanding what a 'zebra crossing' is makes that joke even more delightfully absurd. It is a painted path to indicate where pedestrians are intended to travel across lone lines of asphalt most commonly known as 'roads' or 'streets'. Certainly you at least vaguely remember this from the Haltworkers?'

 

"I do not think that is the point," replied Meta Knight. "What my companion is having trouble comprehending is witnessing one of the very company members who approved this road blatantly disregarding this... 'crosswalk's purpose. Well actually the light's purpose, but you get the point."

 

"Oh, that?," replied the Telepathos, "That's called 'jaywalking'. Pretty much everyone who's ever seen a road has done it once or twice."

 

"But... but why?," asked Kirby. "Why would anyone ever put themselves in unnecessary danger like that?"

 

"It's not that dangerous. At least, not dangerous that often. What, are you the guy who always plays on Easy?"

 

"Being difficult and being enjoyable are two entirely separate things!"

 

"Well, while you two are distracted..." Magolor then tried to make a mad dash across the street, which this conversation had lasted long enough for it to go to 'pedestrian time' and back. Unfortunately for him, the moment he was fully off the sidewalk, he got punted into the stratosphere by a bus that didn't see him in time.

 

"WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEeeeeee...."

 

Kirby, Meta Knight, and Telepathos turned to stare at the incident, the three shocked beyond belief. Meta Knight turned to the others.

 

"Alright. No one ever jaywalks again."

 

Kirby nodded in agreement.

 

Telepathos... didn't, really. "Well, actually, I move entirely by hovering, so..."

 

"I mean no one!"

 

"Aw, man," said Marx, rolling onto the scene from the other end of the crosswalk, "I've been wandering this city for days and now you ban my primary means of fun!"

 

"I thought your primary means of fun was pranking people," said Kirby.

 

"Well, guess what?," said Marx "The only people here are the ones driving these cars! Anyways, I'm off!" Marx then rolled away.

 

Telepathos looked at Meta Knight. "...you going to go after him?"

 


 

It should be noted that our trio of two puffballs and an extraterrestrial Scarfy were not the only people in Resolution Road looking for tickets, and also not the only ones having to contend with the area's traffic system. For example...

 

"eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee...."

 

King Dedede was not distracted from his plight by Magolor's screaming body. "I'm just saying, I rule this here little country! I should be able to walk wherever I dang well please!"

 

Fecto Elfilis, who was for some reason present for this display, gave Dedede a questioning glance. "Are you absolutely certain? This area is clearly outside of the Star Rod's area of effect. Therefore, it is not under your supposed jurisdiction."

 

"Oh, don't give me that look! You don't seem the type to care who ya crush!"

 

"And you don't seem the type to disrespect traffic laws. Amazing what this world is coming to."

 

"THE FIRST THING I DID WHEN I TOOK POWER WAS STEAL ALL THE FOOD IN THE COUNTRY!"

 

"And? You're better than that now, aren't you?"

 

"...I can't believe the King is getting lectured on legality and growth by the death antelope chinchilla thing..." said Adeleine.

 

"I HEARD THAT!"

 

"Which part are you objecting to?"

 

"ALL OF IT!"

 

"Wait," said Dedede, "Who's talking anymore? It's getting really hard to keep track."

 

"First off, this isn't a lecture, it's a roast."

 

"Really inspiring confidence here," said Dedede, "Maybe you should take up motivational speaking!"

 

Fecto Elfilis and Adeleine ignored him.

 

"Secondly," Fecto Elfilis added, "I am not a chinchilla, how dare you!"

 

"Oh yeah?," asked Adeleine, "explain Elfilin then!"

 

"Ah yes, because clearly 'flying + bright blue/green fur + fox tail + vaguely elephant/mouse ears' says chinchilla."

 

"Have... have you ever actually seen a chinchilla? That's not a fox tail, it's a chinchilla tail."

 

"I've still got the other points though!"

 

"Would you two stop arguing!?," shouted King Dedede, "We've got tickets to purchase and quite a few roads to cross to get there!"

 

"Hey, 'sup," said Marx, yet again rolling onto the scene from out of nowhere, "Where are you three going?

 

"To purchase tickets to listen to the latest recording session for Moundo's Rock Rambles, of course," replied Fecto Elfilis.

 

"Okay, but like... where exactly would you do that?"

 

"Oh, it's simple!" replied King Dedede, "We're gonna check out the movie theater! Because that's where tickets are sold, right?"

 

Marx let out a small giggle. "What, you came all this way and you don't even know where you're supposed to look? Wow, you guys are pathetic!" Fecto Elfilis of course responded by trying to put Marx in a telekinetic chokehold, which would have been at least slightly more effective had Marx's anatomy giving any indication of which part was the neck.

 

"Listen, mauve ball - at least I think that's mauve, or like lavender, or-"

 

"Fecto Elfilis!," Adeleine shouted, "You know what will happen to your parole if you do this?"

 

"...I'm not on parole."

 

"Yeah, I really wasn't expecting that to work..."

 

"Can we stay on topic for ten minutes!?," shouted Dedede, "For me? Please?"

 

The other three looked at Dedede, then each other, then at Dedede again. "No," they chorused back.

 

Dedede took out his hammer. "How about now?"

 

"I'm certain whatever Ms. artist and death antelope chinchilla have going on is much more interesting than whatever you're trying to get tickets to!," replied Marx.

 

"I am not a chinchilla, in every conceivable way something can be not a chinchilla, we have been over this-"

 

"Actually, we didn't get that far because Marx interrupted us and wasn't there for that-"

 

Dedede sighed. "That's it. If all you're going to do is argue with each other, I guess I'll have to go purchase me some tickets without you."

 

"Can you at least be consistent with whether you ridiculous accent is being represented in the text or not!?," asked Marx.

 

Escargoon proceeded to enter from out of frame. "I mean, really, that's more speaking patterns than accents. Why don't you tell him that, sire?"

 

"Escargoon? What are you doing in the game continuity?," asked Dedede.

 

"Well, you see, sire, Kirby can't be bothered to come back to play the Popopo island sub-games anymore, so I've been wandering this here Planet Pop Star looking for you since 2012!"

 

Dedede gave Escargoon a look. "And you didn't think to look in the castle that looks the exact same between each continuity because?..."

 

"Sire, I haven't found Dream Land yet, much less your castle!"

 

Now it was Marx's turn to give Escargoon a disapproving glare. "You know, Dream Land is, like, really easy to find. If I understand what the map of the Popopo Islands means correctly, it's just at the North Pole."

 

"I thought Santa lived there..." said Adeleine.

 

"Pop Star's North Pole, not Earth's," said Fecto Elfilis. "Though I don't think you understood that map."

 

"Look, point is, Dream Land is roughly in the center of one face of Pop Star! It should be incredibly easy to find!"

 

"Well, forgive me for not having a map of an entire oddly-shaped planet on hand at all times!"

 

Adeleine looked at the argument ensuing in front of her. "...Are we really just going to stand around arguing forever? We could've crossed that street, like, seven times in the time it's taken us to argue about all this..."

 

Dedede was elated. "See? Someone else here gets it! Sorry, Escargoon, but we've got tickets to buy!"

 

"Wait! Don't leave me, sire!"

 

Fecto Elfilis blocked everyone from moving forward with their spear. "I apologize, but if lose to a motorized vehicle, you certainly would."

 

"Wait," began Marx, "So this whole time, you've been stalling everyone else because you don't want to be humiliated by them surviving a vehicular collision where you couldn't."

 

"If it was a matter of humiliation, I would have forfeited in when you kept comparing me to a chinchilla."

 

Marx pulled a notepad out of nowhere. "Note: Fecto Elfilis finds being called a chinchilla more humiliating than other people surviving vehicular collisions. Must find way to make use of this information in the ultimate prank."

 

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

 

"Marx, I say this as your friend-" began Adeleine, who was then interrupted.

 

"For reasons beyond my comprehension," Marx, of course, interrupted.

 

"Ultimate means 'final', not 'greatest'. Surely you wouldn't give up pranks entirely?"

 

"I'm certain most people have forgotten the original definition of that word," said Fecto Elfilis.

 

"ARE WE GOING TO CROSS THE STREET OR NOT!?," shouted Dedede.

 

"Oh, right!" Adeleine then sprinted across the street, just barely making it under the light. She then realized no one else had followed her example. "Uh, you guys going to come over here? We ARE going as a group... I can't exactly go any further without you..."

 

"Don't worry, I'll come for you!," said Escargoon, who began crossing the street... very, very slowly. However, this extreme slowness gave the many vehicles enough reaction time to stop for him, leading to him not sharing Magolor's fate.

 

"You see, Fecto?," said Dedede, " I can walk wherever I dang well please!"

 

Fecto Elfilis rolled their eyes. "Please. It's a matter of reaction time. If they truly wished your gastropod fool rammed, he would very well be rammed."

 

"So? How'd Adeleine get across, then?"

 

"By sprinting at full tilt while no one was going, of course."

 

"Hey, while we're on the topic," began Marx, "what's your jaywalking ELO?"

 

"...I'm not certain I understand the question?"

 

"Oh, that's right!," Marx pulled a chart about the history of rankings out from under his hat, without ever apparently separating his hat from his head, y'know, to make visualizing it even more confusing. "Ahem! 'ELO is a relative strength-based ranking system initially designed to rank chess players-'"

 

"Oh. In that case, whatever the least competent it can go is. I'm not particularly interested in being roadkill again."

 

Marx stared at Fecto Elfilis "...I think you need therapy."

 

"I successfully fought as a ball of primoradial ooze while psychically broadcasting the breakdown I was in the middle of to everyone present, I think I'm perfectly in control of myself!"

 

Marx intensified his stare. "So, like, you meant to broadcast it?..."

 

"I'm done talking about this."

 

"Wait," said Marx, "I can only think of two series that even have characters that are definitely qualified therapists in their casts. Which of course puts kind of a damper on finding one here."

 

"How often are we going to veer off-topic, I wonder?"

 

The other four present answered Fecto Elfilis' question with a chorus of, "a lot."

 

Morpho Knight then fluttered by as a butterfly, having heard only an eight of the conversation, and not even the same eighth. In other words, all he really understood was that roadkill was not someone present's preferred fate. And as he was the sole local grim reaper ever since Kirby had mobbed Necrodeus out of the sky, he took it upon himself to fulfill this desire in the most destructive way possible. All this is to say is that Morpho Knight fused with an abandoned car nearby and began cutting apart every vehicle in sight - though of course he spared the various Waddle Dees operating them. No need to avoid this current responsibility if it meant having a bunch more responsibilities in the foreseeable future.

 

So of course this meant there were now Waddle Dees pouring all over the street. As though finding these tickets wasn't hard enough as is.

 


 

We now return to the puffballs and floating capital U we left behind.

 

"Why do you insist on endangering yourself!?," said Meta Knight, dragging Telepathos back to the puffballs' side of the road yet again. "You saw what happened to Magolor, and yet you continue!?"

 

"I'm telling you, I move exclusively by hovering higher than these vehicles go! The only endangering himself right now is you!"

 

"You mean that in an immediate sense, correct?" asked Meta Knight. "I highly doubt I am the only being in the universe currently acting on their recklessness."

 

"Hey, uh, guys?," asked Kirby, "Do either of you here the sound of metal cutting metal, followed by a chorus of wanyas?"

 

Meta Knight finished dragging Telepathos back, and then paused. "Now that you mention it, I do hear such a sound. It is hard to tell how far away it is with such little evidence, however."

 

Meta Knight's edgier counterpart, known to the locals as 'Dark Meta Knight', chose this moment to walk up to Kirby and ask him a question. "What exactly is it my lighter counterpart is doing dragging around that wide U?"

 

"Oh," Kirby answered, "Telepathos was doing something called 'jaywalking' but Magolor got really hurt when he did it so now Meta Knight is convinced he has to stop anyone from ever benefitting from doing it again."

 

"Sounds like a good challenge, if it manage to incapacitate the egg cat! Now, tell me what this 'jaywalking' is!," demanded Dark Meta Knight.

 

Kirby paused. "Well, it's- uh- I don't- I'm not-"

 

Telepathos picked up the conversation. "You serious? You still can't process the idea of mildly disregarding your bodily safety?"

 

"WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THINGS HAVE TO BE DANGEROUS OR DIFFICULT TO BE FUN THESE DAYS!?"

 

Telepathos rolled his eyes. "Well, since the puffball isn't going to tell you, 'jaywalking' is the act of crossing a street that one does not currently have permission to cross. For example, you see these lights? If you went at the same time they permitted the cars to go, that would be 'jaywalking.' Which makes this the second time today I've explained this."

 

"Thank you! I will jaywalk whenever the opportunity arises from now on."

 

Meta Knight clearly would have facepalmed if not for the fact that his face was perpetually covered in metal. "Would someone please value their safety today? We could've actually made more than five block's worth of progress if this U didn't keep wandering into busy streets when I wasn't looking."

 

"I'm not even in your party! Why are you dragging me?"

 

Dark Meta Knight had begun practicing what he preached while Meta Knight was distracted. "Yes! Yes! Try to strike me down, oh mighty vehicles! You shan't even get close!"

 

Now, under normal circumstances (well, normal circumstances following this incident, anyways), Meta Knight would have chased after his dark counterpart to drag him back. Unfortunately, the cause of the sounds of metal destroying metal followed by choruses on of wanyas had gotten close enough for these sounds to overpower their conversations.

 

"Wha-" began Kirby, "Meta! Morpho Knight is here and wrecking all the Waddle Dee's cars! Want to help me stop him!?"

 

"...That's hard to believe. Why would the grim reaper-" Meta Knight was of course interrupted by half a car being sent flying in his general direction. "Never mind! You fight Morpho off, I'll gather the Waddle Dees!"

 

"And here I thought you held nothing but the utmost respect for traffic patterns," said Telepathos.

 

"There's no reason to put oneself in danger unnecessarily. However, these Waddle Dees are in desperate need of saving!" And besides, as Morpho hadn't destroyed every car yet, the Dees were, by technicality, jaywalking. (Or maybe it was only by the technicality of 'their vehicles were split in half mid-operation' that they weren't jaywalking. It was kind of unclear.) But anyways, there was now a panicked tide of Waddle Dees in need of un-panicking and un-tiding while Kirby saved the local traffic system from the most powerful known butterfly. Meta Knight was forced to admit that the lower-but-still-dangerous end of the danger scale was not one he spent a lot of time in.

 

Now, Kirby would have initiated the fight with Morpho himself, but the Butterfly of Judgment appeared to notice him before he could get close. Morpho looked at his sword, then at Kirby, and charged. Kirby, not anticipating this move, got knocked into a nearby building.

 

"Hello, you who did not die when killed," said Morpho Knight. "I have spent... quite a while... trying to correct that."

 

"Wait," Kirby said, "You're mad at me because of what Necrodeus did that one time?"

 

"I think?," said Morpho Knight, "I mean, I think like only Super Kirby Clash out of the spin-off games was ever referenced on its own in a lore-important way, but the butterfly that became me was introduced the game after Mass Attack if I'm remembering correctly, so... okay, you got me, the canon reason I decided to fight you after claiming Soul Forgo hasn't actually been specified, and may not actually exist beyond 'welp, I'm here, might as well fight you now.' But we aren't here to wildly theorize about the series we are part of! We are here to FIGHT!"

 

"Really? You've just been cutting apart cars so far..."

 

"They deserved it!"

 

"Oh yeah?," asked Kirby, "What exactly did they do to deserve it?"

 

"They... uh... I said we FIGHT!" The pair then proceeded to engage in long-form dream-based combat on the sidewalk while a mildly organized mob of Waddle Dees rushed by on the street. Many Dees tried to stop and gawk, but were swept up by the crowd behind them. Kirby decided questioning how there were that many Waddle Dees in vehicles Morpho destroyed alone could be put off until after said butterfly was no longer a threat.

 

It was at this point Adeleine came by crowd-surfing on the Waddle Dees "HEY KIRBY I'LL COM BACK TO HELP YOU ONCE THIS CROWD DISPERSES I DIDN'T CONSIDER HOW HARD IT WOULD BE TO GET OFF!" Of course, Adeleine was too far away to be heard over the stampede of Waddle Dees for most of that sentence, but it was the thought that counted.

 

Of course, Kirby simply had to distract Morpho Knight from destroying any more motorized vehicles for the foreseeable future, and the tide would run out of Dees to form it. Should be easy enough to accomplish.

 


 

Susie checked her watch, then the address of the building she was in. "Everyone's late by more than 15 minutes. I would've expected someone to call me by now, even if only to make fun of me for getting the address wrong..."

 

Marx, because of course it was Marx, rolled up to Susie. "Hey, uh Susie? We might have a problem."

 

"Oh, it's you. Well, of course we have a problem, either I'm comedically late for a staff meeting or everyone else is."

 

"...Why does your company have staff meetings on-planet?"

 

"We can't do them in the Access Arc anymore, seeing as it's destroyed."

 

"Well, on a less depressing note but more dangerous note," began Marx, "I think Morpho Knight may have shown up and sent enough Waddle Dees to form a small army into a rampaging panic across the streets. I don't know, I wasn't really counting. But anyways, you may want to start dealing with that."

 

"I didn't even know there were enough Waddle Dees in the city to form an army! What the heck!?"

 

"I said small army," said Marx "And why is that the part you're confused by?"

 

"My brain can only take so many day-ruining events at once, you know."

 

"Well, in that case," said Daroach, swiftly jaywalking onto the scene (The mass hysteria had not yet reached this part of Resolution Road), "I think you'll be happy to know that the Jambandra Mages have successfully captured the people using their imagery to spread hate! …What were you guys talking about?"

 

"I didn't even know-" Susie let out a long sigh. "What is with this planet that either NOTHING is happening or EVERYTHING is happening? Could anyone please explain that to me? Can we have, like, more just mildly interesting days? Please?"

 

"What not being in any of the light-hearted spin-offs does to someone," said Daroach. "Not that I have any room to talk there, of course... What were you two talking about before I got here, again?"

 

"Oh, just that the grim reaper has arrived in the city and is sending the local Dees into a panic by destroying all their cars," replied Marx, "You know, the usual."

 

"The sad part is, that's essentially true," replied Susie. "Though I didn't know about the cars part. Add that to the list. Anything else?"

 

"That you'd care about? No."

 

"Well then," said Susie, getting up from her previous position, "Let's get to fixing this city!" It was at this point that the Dee Stampede finally crossed in front of the building Susie had been attempting to have a staff meeting in. "What the- this is already more Dees than we have on record for this city! Granted, it's not like we take censuses of them, but still!"

 

"You know, I'm just curious," said Daroach, "is there any reason you knew how many Waddle Dees were supposed to be in this city off the top of your head?"

 

"Haltmann Works hired quite a few Waddle Dees back during the mechanization and we never got around to officially removing most of them from our employment after Star Dream was destroyed, why? …If you're wondering, as far as I'm aware we are still paying the ones that bother to clock in and out these days."

 

"Okay, just checking," said Daroach, "though did it not occur you there could be unemployed Waddle Dees in this city?"

 

"Unemployed Waddle Dees that know how to operate vehicles?"

 

"Well, you got me there. Hey, where'd Marx go?"

 

"I... uh..." Susie looked around. "Oh. He seems to have left. Are we going to where the Dees are going or where they're coming from?"

 


 

Meanwhile, at the far edge of Resolution Road from where this mess began, next to a river, Gooey and Sillydillo were listening intently to Kine.

 

"So, yeah, that's why I have trouble moving on land. I can't hover and don't have limbs. I mean, if you want to get technical my fins are my limbs, but like, no limbs for land movement."

 

"That's very interes- intre- in-ter-rest-ing, Kine!," Gooey replied.

 

"Why must there be long words?," lamented Sillydillo.

 

Now, obviously this conversation was not enough to carry a scene by itself, so it was at this point the Mage-Sisters, Hyness, and an inexplicably-present Void Termina danced down the street in a five-person flash mob to celebrate their aforementioned victory. The sheer size of Void Termina served to increase the flash mob's effectiveness after it had been lowered by the small total participant count. Gooey found himself bopping along to the beat - or at least trying to, the song they were dancing to had really weird beat placements. (Which of course meant the Jambandran group also wasn't on beat, but their particular dance did not seem like one where that would be a noticeable enhancement.)

 

Sillydillo looked at the dance down the street in front of him, and decided to bring out his homemade dance partner to follow along. He of course also failed to match the beat, though this was more because the only dance move he knew was spinning than being confused by the beat count. Sillydillo ended his spin across the street from the river - if you're keeping track, in which case I'm confused why you bothered before reading this sentence, it was incredibly unclear whether or not this counted as jaywalking given that no vehicles were even attempting to come near this road, given the relatively-giant Destroyer of Worlds dancing down it. (Apparently Kirby's official height is around 8 inches, and even ignoring that he has always been visibly shorter than the character who most closely resembles a human child.)

 

Meanwhile, a random Dark Matter- not Gooey, Gooey was looking at the Jambandran flash mob with great interest - was evaluating its chances with the local vehicles, from what was until two minutes ago the worst spot to be doing so. "HELLO, FELLOW MATTER. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP ME JUDGE THE DAMAGING PROPERTIES OF MOBILE METAL BOXES?"

 

Gooey finally turned around to stare at his fellow Matter, having short-circuited what little capacity for exasperated confusion he had with Void Termina's appearance. "Those are called 'cars'. In case you did not know."

 

"I WAS NOT AWARE, MY COMPANION. HOW DID YOU COME TO LEARN THIS TERM? ON A SCALE FROM 'THE EASIEST THING TO DO EVER' TO 'TAKING OVER THE UNIVERSE TO PREVENT HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS IS THE RATIONAL RESPONSE', HOW WOULD YOUR RATE YOUR INTERACTIONS WITH THESE 'CARS?'"

 

Gooey tried to think. "What's a car now?"

 

"...ARE YOU OKAY, MY FELLOW MATTER?," asked the non-Gooey Dark Matter, simply not having the context for what Gooey's perpetually-confused expression could possibly mean. Being a species that only had two known members to possess either of both a second eye and/or a mouth of course greatly inhibited one's ability to understand facial expression.

 

"I am." Gooey turned around. "Want to join in on dance."

 

"FELLOW MATTER, YOU DID NOT-" But Gooey had already turned his inaccurate bops into a form of locomotion. "...RANKING DEALING WITH 'CARS' CLOSER TO 'TAKE OVER UNIVERSE' DIFFICULTY. IN THAT CASE..." It was then that this Dark Matter left to get on that universe-conquering drive. Because clearly there weren't enough things happening today.

 

Kirby and Susie both loudly complained, even though neither of them were even in this scene.

 

Granted, no one actually on the scene could hear either complaint, seeing as they were once again on the exact opposite side of Resolution Road. They simply continued their impromptu understaffed parade down the street. Or maybe it was more comparable to a marching band?

 

"WAIT!" shouted Hyness, "If all we do is dance, we won't have any lines! It's a travesty! A TRAVESTY, I TELL YOU!"

 

"Did you really need to interrupt our dance to tell us that?," asked Zan Partizanne, having her name spelled correctly for once.

 

"Also, the song ended twenty measures ago."

 

"Oh! Right!" Zan Partizanne then put on the next song.

 

Kine looked at the group go. "Uh... I was in the middle of talking here, guys!... You going to come back? For me?"

 

Flamberge tried to check her watch, then realized not only did she not have one, she had never had one at any point in time, and also that knowing what time it was would not actually have helped answer Kine's question. "I'm sure you can find something else to do, sunfish!... or are you a blue surgeon? I don't know fish very well."

 

Kine shouted back. "I'M A SUNFISH YOU WERE RIGHT THE FIRST THE TIME!"

 

"Got it!"

 

"You know, I think we've done plenty enough dancing for one day," said Francisca.

 

"Well, okay you're right on that count but," Hyness began, "do you really want to tell our Dark Lord or that probably oversized armadillo that they've got to stop dancing? Well, do you? Do you? No? That's what I thought!"

 

"You didn't even let me answer..."

 

"Well, was I wrong?"

 

"...No, actually."

 

Sillydillo chose that moment to interrupt. "Hey, look! Some Dees are here!" Indeed, in the process of movement via dance the group had reached part of the city where Waddle Dees were still operating automobiles.

 

Now, as none of the Jambandran group had grown up in circumstances that would lead to spending an extended amount of time near comparatively small ground-bound vehicles, and the only one who was properly a member of the ancients (a very popular group name in the olden days) was part of the magic-based side, the concept of stoplights or crosswalks having said stoplights simply did not occur to any of them. Hence, that group just casually walked on, not really caring whether or not any cars were going. Gooey had not realized the others had stopped dancing and continued turning bopping into locomotion in solidarity - not that he could personally pronounce the words in that sentence that indicated what he was doing. Or knew what 'solidarity' meant, he thought it was meant that something had slime-like properties. Void Termina, however, remained on the other side of the road, suddenly fascinated by the asphalt.

 

Void Termina then proceeded to attempt to tell the others about his fascination, but seeing as the giant possessed neither vocal cords nor a mouth the others didn't end up hearing anything.

 

The Mage-Sisters and Gooey continued wandering the city for a while, when an issue then occurred to Francisca.

 

"Where exactly are we trying to go? We didn't exactly come to this city as tourists." It was then that Marx rolled up, because of course he did.

 

"Wow, and I thought I was the only one who jaywalked without an actual destination! Pay some attention, people! Those cars are actually obeying the lights for once, so show them some respect!" The Mage-Sisters were, of course, highly confused by this statement.

 

"What lights are they obeying?," asked Zan Partizanne, having never looked up during this entire sequence.

 

"The ones above the road! That's where all the car stoplights are!" Sure enough, when the group turned to look there were in fact operational stoplights.

 

"You know, this would've been a lot simpler if we'd noticed those at like any point before now," said Flamberge.

 

Gooey, meanwhile, was having a crisis. How could he interfere with the glorious directional dictation abilities of the lights?... He rather obviously did not phrase his thoughts that way, but the overall emotions were the same. "NOOOOOO! I DID NOT- I COULD NOT HAVE- AAAAAH!"

 

"Uh... you okay there, Gooey?," asked Marx.

 

"HOW COULD I IGNORE THIS! I COULD HAVE BEEN HIT! HIT, I TELL YOU! NOOOOOOO!" Gooey's crisis was consuming his mind to the point that he didn't notice the light was also not on pedestrian mode on his way back to Sillydillo.

 

"Uh-" Flamberge began "How do you calm a Dark Matter? Would you like some incense? Breathing exercises? To watch something burn? Uh... pondering the subtle intricacies of fire? Some mints? Anything?" Flamberge's many questions unfortunately went unanswered. "Uh, banjo playing, everyone likes banjo playing! Quick, someone, get me a violin!"

 

"First off, while I do enjoy banjoes for their comedic potential I disagree with that statement," said Marx, "and also why did you say 'banjo-playing' and then ask for a violin?"

 

"A violin is just a resized banjo right?"

 

"Er, Flamberge," said Francisca, "Banjoes and violins may both be string instruments, but they are part of distinct sub-families thereof. I do not know know the purpose of the hole, but-"

 

"Wait," said Marx, "What are you talking about? Neither banjoes nor violins have holes in them. Francisca, I think you're thinking of non-electric guitars. Banjoes look kind of like someone put guitar strings on a short-but-wide drum." Marx then stopped to think about something. "Oh yeah! I came here to inform you that Kirby is currently duking it out with the grim reaper to determine the fate of the local transportation industry. Also the ultimate life-form may, just may, be exceeding angry at being repeatedly described as partially a chinchilla and also taking their anger out on anything in sight. I know you've already had an adventure today, but I thought you'd want to know. Toodles, toots!" Marx then rolled away the way he came, then returned to the scene. "Sorry, had to be done." Marx then rolled away for real this time.

 

"Wait," began Francisca, "which of us was the stubby vaguely-purple ball addressing as 'toots?'"

 

"Uh... all three of us, if I had to guess?," said Zan Partizanne, "Or maybe he just felt like ending a sentence that way. Knowing him, it's probably the latter. Anyways, we helping with this?"

 

Francisca and the Zan of the misspelt partisan turned around to look at Flamberge, who was continuing her one-woman matter-calming crusade, which had not made particularly more progress than it had four paragraphs ago. "You don't want a banjo, how about a mandolin? We have a mandolin, right? Do we know what mandolins look like? Uh, how about like a-"

 

"...I don't think Flamberge will be helping in the foreseeable future," admitted Zan Partizanne, "but there's no reason we can't go help. Now, which way did the stubby purple ball go?... Wait, where's Hyness-"

 

Everyone present could here a sudden thud, and see Hyness also get launched into the stratosphere by a bus. This particular incident was not a direct result of his jaywalking, to be clear - rather, the bus's brakes had been broken from the prior impact with Magolor, so it had ended up veering onto the sidewalk.

 

"JUUUUUUH-"

 

"...Well, that answers that."

 


 

Marx had somehow already made it back to the other side of the city. "First of, antelope, I'm lilac, I checked! Secondly, how has it taken you guys this long to get this under control?"

 

Indeed, the Waddle Dees appeared to be acting like ants caught in a loop on their own pheromone trail, doing laps around this part of the city. If, you know, ants still bothered to follow those trails while in a blind panic. Why it had not yet occurred to enough of the Waddle Dees on the edges that they were trying to get away from the butterfly orb rather than run laps was remarkably unclear, although to be fair the area they were running laps around still had a bizarrely high count of vehicles to be cut apart, so that could reasonably be the source.

 

Fecto Elfilis finally deigned to reply to Marx. "Really? You think correcting the being capable of creating portals large enough to fit entire planets through is a good idea?"

 

"I mean, I did wish to control Pop Star. I bet I could just move it out of the way if you did that!"

 

Meanwhile, on the ground, Dark Meta Knight had decided to join the brawl against Morpho Knight for decidedly strange reasons.

 

"You fool! Jaywalking requires cars! If you destroy all cars, how am I to exclusively jaywalk from this day onwards!?"

 

"Not the time, Dark!," replied Kirby, clearly the only person here no longer distracted by inane conversations. "We've got to lead Morpho away from these vehicles!"

 

"I know that, what do you think I've been doing!?," both Dark Meta Knight and Morpho Knight replied at once.

 

"Uh... that's bad..." said Kirby, looking for a way to distract Morpho Knight. It was then he saw it - a genuine really rusty sky-blue car, inexplicably spared fropm Morpho's puffball-based vehicleslaughter. "Welp, don't have any other ideas!" Kirby then engaged Car-Mouth mode and sped off into the eye of the Waddle tide.

 

Somehow, this, and this alone, managed to pause the entire Waddle  tide for the purpose of staring and gawking. To be fair, everyone else was gawking too.

 

"Did, uh... did Kirby just leave? I can't help but feel like Kirby just left the two of us to deal with the two of you," said Marx.

 

Kirby then swiftly returned, remembering that a taunt was necessary for this plan. "Hey! I'm a car! Come try and cut me in two! Bet you can't!" Kirby then sped back off.

 

Morpho Knight paused to think. "Am I REALLY going to go chase after the vehicular puffball over an incredibly obvious distraction? Are you kidding? OF COURSE I SHOULD!" Morpho Knight then proceeded to pursue Kirby, much to Dark Meta Knight's displeasure.

 

"Hey! Come back! We haven't settled this score yet!"

 

Marx and Fecto Elfilis looked at Dark Meta Knight joining the pursuit, then each other.

 

Marx decided to go first. "So, uh, we still fighting or?..."

 

"It's only been, what, two minutes? Our fight shall continue!" Fecto Elfilis then proceeded to try stabbing Marx, who simply teleported out of the way.

 

"You know, it's really funny you think you can stab me and all, but once again I can teleport and have some degree of control of the planet we're doing this in the atmosphere of, so I'm not really sure what you-" It was at this point that it finally occurred to the many Waddle Dees present that they should probably be running purely away from the beings that kept destroying their vehicles. It was slightly after this point that Susie and Daroach arrived on the scene.

 

"Hey Marx-" began Daroach, "Looks like Morpho's really gotten a glow-up since last time!"

 

"...I don't know whether this is better or worse than being compared to a chinchilla," replied Fecto Elfilis, "so of course you know this means war."

 

"Oh, hey, you two! Kirby and the grim reaper went that way, this is another issue!," Marx said, pointing at what was indeed the route Kirby and the Knights had went.

 

"Why didn't you mention THIS when you went to GET US!?", Susie shouted back.

 

"Look, how was supposed to know the penguin and the snail would continue to rile up the death antelope while I was gone!?" In actuality, Fecto Elfilis' current aggression was entirely unrelated to anything Dedede had or had not done, but as Marx had come back to Fecto Elfilis attacking everything in sight (which of course made his travel across the city and back even more ridiculously implausible) he had just kind of assumed.

 

Meanwhile, Kirby had forgotten he was currently the lead in a chase, and had stopped to let a visiting family of ducks cross the street. This unfortunately meant Morpho Knight managed to catch up with him, and true to his his word, the car that Kirby was currently operating via mouth was indeed split in two. Kirby himself was somehow unharmed, and Dark Meta Knight caught up to Morpho Knight before the latter could inflict any further damage.

 

"You shall let there be cars, otherwise jaywalking will be no different than regular walking! I can not accept such a world! A world where a challenge is cruelly taken from me before I can truly experience it!"

 

"You didn't even know what jaywalking was until like five minutes ago!," Kirby shouted into the sky. "Now, let's see... is there anything that would let me fight in flight here... No... guess I'm going up!"

 

Unfortunately for Kirby, before he could follow through on this course of action and join in on the swooping Knight battle above him, the squad currently dealing with Fecto Elfilis arrived, with Fecto Elfilis in tow. Susie had some choice words for Kirby.

 

"Kirby of the Stars what on this planet have you done there are WADDLE DEES RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING EVERYWHERE-"

 

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE TO BUY TICKETS!"  Upon admitting this, most everyone present stopped to gawk at Kirby, with the obvious exception of Daroach.

 

"Yeah, that's about what I expected..." he admitted, which of course meant everyone but Kirby changed the target of their gawking to him. "What? I stole his slice of cake once and he ended up chasing me for it long enough to free me from the Dark-Matter-based ruler of the underworld I accidently released after. This kind of thing is honestly par for the course, as far as I'm concerned."

 

"No," Kirby said, "That may not be the peak of the escalation, but it's definitely the widest gulf between where it started and ended."

 

"I've never actually watched a full episode of it myself, but I think this is like that one cartoon where completely mundane events keep escalating into incredibly strange and dangerous directions," said Susie.

 

"How can you say that when you don't even remember the name?," said Daroach.

 

Before Susie could, answer, she was interrupted by Morpho Knight deciding her Business Suit qualified as a car. "Hey! Keep your sword off my suit! Do you have any clue how much this thing costs?"

 

Morpho Knight began thinking. "Uh, thirty coins, I guess?"

 

"A LOT MORE THAN THAT!" Morpho Knight the proceeded to experience the suit's best imitation of a blender, though seeing as though there was no containing wall he then got flung into a nearby building.

 

Marx finally remembered he was still in the scene. "So, uh, Elfilis, we done?..."

 

Fecto Elfilis paused to think. "Let me do one more attack."

 

"Oh, I can tank that-" Marx was then blasted by several lasers. "WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA!?…DON'T YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LASER!?"

 

"Well, yes, but I also have portals. It's the same laser blasting you from multiple directions. I know it's hard to wrap your head around."

 

"HEADS DON'T MAKE GOOD WRAPPERS IN GENERAL!"

 

Meanwhile, Susie had jumped out of her Business Suit and was busy attempting to maul Morpho Knight - a task made more difficult by the latter being among the many beings in this series capable of teleportation - so as you can imagine when Adeleine got onto the scene she was highly confused.

 

"Hey, guys!... I'd say you've got the situation under control, but I don't think I understand what the situation even is..."

 

"Hai, Adeleine!," shouted Kirby, "Well, Morpho Knight doesn't seem to be destroying cars any more so I guess everything but my, Meta Knight, and Magolor's quest for tickets to Moundo's next recording session has been resolved? …You wouldn't have happened to have seen Meta Knight or a Telepathos when you were coming here, right?"

 

Adeleine unthinkingly bought some of Daroach's illicitly-obtained popcorn while looking at the three-way fight between Susie, Dark Meta Knight, and Morpho Knight. "No, I thought he was with you!"

 

Before either could continue this train of conversation, Francisca and Zan Partizanne arrived onto the scene, gasping for breathe.

 

"Hey..." began Zan Partizanne, "We... heard... you.. needed... help... We're... here... to... help..." It was at this point that Zan passed out from exhaustion. Resolution Road was not made to be crossed in less than four minutes, and even after that the pair had to swerve off-course to get here after Kirby left.

 

"Today... has been... an exhausting day..." admitted Francisca.

 

"TELL ME ABOUT IT!," Susie yelled back, before resuming her attempts to beat up Morpho Knight into submission that were getting interrupted by Dark Meta Knight's own separate attempts to beat Morpho Knight into submission more often than they were complimenting each other. "AND WAIT, YOU'RE TRYING TO BUY TICKETS TO A RECORDING SESSION? IS THAT EVEN HOW THAT WORKS?"

 

"It only needs to work that way for the one selling the tickets!," replied Kirby, currently carrying Zan Partizanne into the building Morpho Knight had most recently been flung into.

 

"Well, you got her there," said Daroach, repeating the same thing with Marx. "Though... where exactly is Meta Knight, anyways?"

 


 

Meta Knight, Telepathos, Dedede, and Escargoon, as it turned out, were doing exactly what the former had tasked himself with when this situation had officially evolved into mess - guiding the various panicking Waddle Dees to safety. This did not mean they were entirely free of conversation, however."

 

"So anyways, that's when they started swinging their spear around, Sir Meta Knight..."

 

"What a strange, yet highly believable story, Escargoon. Although, next time, I would suggest you refrain from agitating one who is currently carrying a weapon around, especially if they have no apparent reason for doing so. I have lost many a mask that way."

 

"Well, look here!," said King Dedede "It looks like this here march of Waddle Dees is finally thinning out!"

 

"Actually, to me it looks more like they're scattering all over the city," replied Telepathos.

 

"Well, point is, they ain't in danger of trampling each other or obstructing traffic no more!"

 

"Indeed, I can corroborate King Dedede's point," said Meta Knight. "Now, I take it we are to resume our search for those tickets?"

 

"Wait, me, Adeleine, and Elfilis are looking for tickets at the same time Meta Knight's looking for tickets? It wouldn't happen to be tickets to the next recording session of Moundo's Rock Rambles you're looking for, wouldn't it?"

 

"The very same," confirmed Meta Knight. "I came here to search for them with Kirby and Magolor in hopes of fulfilling a plan Magolor made to improve Moundo's self-esteem. Of course, Magolor got hit by a bus, and things... kind of escalated from there."

 

"So... you still wouldn't happen to know where exactly is selling them there, tickets, wouldn't you?"

 

"We had only successfully case five blocks by the time Morpho Knight had made it to us. The location of the vendor has not yet been discovered."

 

Dedede let out a disappointed sigh. "Well, there goes that idea... time to follow that trail of wrecked car-"

 

"-eeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

 

"-MAJICIOUSVENTIKONJYJORROWJONTO-"

 

A distant sound of glass shattering could be heard, but our quartet was unable to find the source of the noise.

 

"Well, like I was saying, time to follow that trail of wrecked cars to where Kirby's no doubt holding off Morpho Knight as we speak!"

 


 

One minor benefit of Magolor and Hyness being launched into the stratosphere via vehicular impact within minutes of each other - they ended up colliding mid-air and cancelling out most of the momentum. Of course most of what passed for their bones were broken from this action, but this was greatly preferable to ending up stuck in orbit. Unfortunately, this then caused the duo to fall from the sky into a nearby apartment window, which was what the screaming the prior scene's group had heard was.

 

Also this window lead directly into a bathroom. Granted the building was tall enough and the window small enough that no one could really see anything through it, but it was a questionable architectural decision nonetheless.

 

Magolor got up off of Hyness and started brushing himself off "Ow... you know, most people who get hit by a truck-"

 

"It was a bus, actually."

 

"Point is, modern bathroom isn't exactly a destination I'd expect to-" Magolor then turned around and saw the broken window. "Oh, never mind, we got here physically..."

 

Hyness also tried to get up, and then collapsed again. "Well, look on the bright side! We're alive suffer through our broken bones, but hey, hey, hey, we can hover! So most of the bones in our body being broken isn't as bad as it could be! …We, ah, should probably seek immediate medical treatment, however. Being forced to write mantras by depraved followers once was enough for me."

 

"And you don't count as a 'depraved follower' because?..."

 

"Well I certainly don't ANYMORE!"

 

It was at this point that the apartment's true owner decided to enter the bathroom, and was highly confused.

 

"Uh, like, uh, why is there a Scarfy arguing with a big-nosed cat-thing in my bathroom? We're on, uh, the seventh floor here," Moundo said. Magolor then turned to Moundo.

 

"Oh, my apologies," Magolor began, "Me and my friend here were launched into the sky and ended up falling in through that disturbingly-placed window. As you may of noticed, neither of us have intact bones at the moment. Say, you wouldn't happen to be the Moundo that records 'Moundo's Rock Rambles,' would you? A couple of my friends have come to Resolution Road in pursuit of the tickets mentioned in one of your episodes."

 

The disturbing way to take this information thankfully did not occur to Moundo. "I mean, I, uh, am, but like, I haven't actually gotten, uh, approval to sell the tickets yet. Or printed them. Well I mean I could print them, but I wouldn't have, uh, anyone to sell them through. Also I haven't decided whether I'm actually going to do that or not. Now, uh, what's the hospital's number again?"

 

Magolor let out the loudest sigh he could currently not hurt himself doing. "Are you kidding? We come all the way here and the tickets aren't even being sold yet?"

 

"That's not a number," said Moundo, checking the phone book. "Oh, wait, that was to yourself, got it. But, yeah, sorry. But you know what? Just for how much trouble you've caused yourself, tell me how to contact you so I can tell you when they actually are being sold. If I ever, you know, get around to doing that."