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Noelle often experienced feeling frozen.
There was something inside of her that made her so scared of the world around her. She froze up at any instance of conflict or fear, no matter how slight it seemed to others. She experienced so many emotions and sentimentalities that it often annoyed others.
☆
As a young girl, she often found herself sat in the lobby of her mother's office, her fur standing up on the back of her neck as the frigid air from the AC surrounded her. She hugged her knees to her chest, trying to bring some sort of warmth to herself, but it was no use. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake the feeling of being frozen in place, unable to move or connect with the world. And so, she would push her ear to the wall, trying to listen for any hint of motherly warmth on the other side, hoping that somehow she would find the connection with her mother that she herself could never initiate.
Nothing.
Only the faint sound of tapping on a keyboard could be heard, along with the whoosh of the AC unit.
Noelle knew not to interrupt her mother while working. There were times when she needed to ask for things during the workday as a kid, but a simple “Where is the bathroom?” caused her mother to yell.
She learned how to be seen and not heard by her mother at a young age. All she could do in that moment was sit in the corner and hope she wouldn’t fall asleep before her mom finished her work.
Bored, exhausted, lonely, and cold, Noelle counted the ceiling tiles for a millionth time, until she felt a tap on her arm.
“El? Did mom forget to take you home again?”
Dess
“Mhm”, Noelle murmured
“Goddamn- lemme carry you home, okay?”
Dess wrapped her jacket around her. The sleeves hung long on Noelle, and she was swathed in the smells of cinnamon and pine. Noelle felt herself thaw in the warm fall evening and in the arms of her big sister.
The person she looked up to most.
☆
At age 8, in front of the whole school, Noelle stood tall and proud on the stage, despite her nerves. She and Berdly were the two smartest kids in the class, and despite his friendly “rivalry” with her, they were good friends and secretly hoped the other would win. They were down to the last three words, including a surprise word that wasn't on the study list.
Noelle had spent all night studying every word in her Children’s Dictionary, working her hardest to prepare for whatever word might be called. She wanted to make her parents and friends proud.
Words had zipped by, one by one, and Noelle and Berdly were tied. They had each spelled every one of their words correctly, topping every other student there.
“Noelle, your word is ‘forest’”, the volunteer said
“F-O-R-E-S-T, forest”, she spelled proudly.
“Great job! Berdly, your word is ‘prodigy’
“P-R-O-D-I-G-Y, prodigy,” he said haughtily.
“Great job! For the surprise word, whoever raises their hand to spell it first will win!”
Noelle and Berdly both perked up in anticipation. For once, Noelle felt confident about something.
“The surprise word is ‘December’”
Noelle froze, and a lump formed in her throat. She obviously knew how to spell December; it was her favorite month. She could visualize each letter and its shape in her mind, but she couldn't speak. Her mind was racing farther and farther away from spelling.
All she could think of were memories of Dess.
Her sister
Her missing sister
Four months had passed since Dess first went missing. The entire town assumed it was a suicidal act and showed a lot of pity to the Holiday family, but Noelle and her parents knew it couldn’t have been. There was something deeper that she couldn’t comprehend at her young age.
Noelle stumbled as Berdly proudly spelled “D-E-C-E-M-B-E-R” and accepted his first-place prize.
The volunteers running the spelling bee were not from Hometown, and they couldn’t have known, but any reminder of her sister stopped Noelle in her tracks.
Frozen like a deer in headlights.
☆
At age 13, Noelle stood outside of the classroom doorway. She bit her cheeks witnessing the new girl picking on Kris. She wanted to stop her, to stand between them and the girl.
She couldn’t. She was too afraid.
As she heard Kris exit the classroom, she ducked into a nearby locker and waited still until she couldn’t feel her heart pounding in her ears anymore.
She was worried for Kris. It should’ve been her. She was the odd one: overly social, awkward in conversation, always afraid, and overall the perfect target in her own eyes. Kris was so neutral. They never said anything to anger people, never turned down a dare, and never seemed afraid.
She was so jealous.
Jealous of whatever individualism they seemed to possess.
☆
Sitting in the dark bedroom within her dream, Noelle was once again freezing up.
All her surroundings felt so familiar, yet foggy. The moon outside her window was a giant softball, illuminating every wall with a soft yellow glow. Snow was falling fast and little white piles gathered on the windowsill.
Everything was so overwhelming.
The dried blood on her hand, trailing to her fingertips
The dull ringing in her ears, like someone had been yelling from within her head
Her foggy memories of cold flurries, unusual monsters, and… Kris’s voice inside her head
An ordering voice
The feeling that she hadn’t been in control of herself and that this might not truly be a dream
She fiddled around absentmindedly with the thorned ring that stuck out of her ring finger and dug deep into the muscle tissue and skin beneath. Each touch sent white-hot pain through her hand, but something in her subconscious made her feel deserving of it. It was as if the physical pain somehow matched the emotional turmoil she carried within.
And something else in her wanted it off NOW.
The constant throbbing and burning sensations were unbearable, urging her to free herself from the torment. Desperation fueled her actions as she gripped the ring tightly, bearing the intense pain by gritting her teeth.
Each pull of the ring forward ripped into her flesh even more, intensifying the agony. Pink and white lines formed underneath her blood-stained fur, resembling the marks of her cruel, self-inflicted punishment. The once pristine white dress she had found herself wearing was now dotted with crimson stains, bearing witness to her struggle.
At some point, through all the pain and bleeding, the pain started subsiding. Her hand was noticeably numb, and a chilling coldness crept up from her fingertips. The frostbite had taken hold, freezing her once vibrant and warm skin. The previously agile fingers were now rigid and lifeless.
Parting her fur, Noelle saw that the skin on her fingers had turned a ghoulish shade of purple, and it had started to peel like a bad burn. Normally, a situation like this would have sent Noelle into a panic, but she felt eerily calm. She felt numb. She felt detached from the physical sensations around her, and even her own emotions.
Eventually, the ring came off, liberating her tortured finger. As she launched it onto the ground, the ring disintegrated upon impact, leaving behind nothing but a cloud of fine dust.
Noelle calmly started to pick at the flaky remnants of her frostbitten fingers, relishing in the peeling layers as if they were shedding the remnants of whatever foggy memory the frostbite was attached to. It was a strange and unsettling satisfaction that she derived from this macabre act. Through the haze of her dream, Noelle felt less and less like the frozen, scared girl she used to be.
It frightened her.
She stared back into the window. The girl staring back at her had pale eyes, ice crystals in her hair, and a bloodied dress. She no longer recognized herself, unsure of the person she was becoming, and scared to lose the friends she had been so grateful for.
She felt terrified, yet also oddly calm.