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Dani doesn’t want to do this. Dani really doesn’t fucking want to do this. But she has to, and the longer she continues to put it off, the worse it will be.
Usually when the Per Aspera is approaching the Heap, Dani will be on deck to help with docking. Not today. No matter how many times she tells herself to get up, the idea of leaving the protection of the engine room and facing the world above makes her want to bash her head in.
It was weird. Every time she goes back to the Heap, Dani wants to stay for less and less time and she puts off the next visit for more and more. She always dreads going back, but she always misses it too. Her family there isn’t as homey and soft as her family here, but they were her family first. Without them, she wouldn’t be here. Not on this ship definitely, maybe not here at all. So it’s weird, the increasing desire to evade returning.
This isn’t that normal irrational dread, though. This is something much more identifiable. And, oh for all that was good and true, Dani does not want to deal with it. She just wants to keep pretending it hadn’t happened, like she has the last week and a half.
By the time she manages to drag herself out of the engine room, they’ve already arrived, and the ship is secure at the docks. VR-LA raises a mechanical eyebrow as she makes her way over to the group.
“What took you so long?” He asks. Damn him.
“Nothing, just finishing up a project.”
VR-LA holds her gaze for a moment, but thankfully doesn’t question further, just gives a bit of an awkward nod and starts down the gangplank. Dani doesn’t make eye contact with Kyana or Finbar as she follows.
There’s no one waiting to greet them on shore. That was usually Egan’s job. Dani pushes down the urge to vomit and keeps moving. She knows she has to talk to Oto eventually, but if she starts on the repairs now, she’ll have a reasonable excuse for not going immediately, and then if-
“Dani!” She freezes. No no no no no no no. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Fuck this. Fuck everything about this. She can’t do it. She isn’t strong enough. There’s a hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t turn around. She can’t. She can’t face him.
“Dani.” Roy’s voice. Roy’s hand. Roy’s hand on her shoulder.
“Dani.” He’s more insistent this time. She has to respond. She has to say something. She has to look at him. She can’t. She isn’t strong enough.
“What.” Dani hates how harsh her voice sounds, but then again it’s a miracle she can even speak.
“Dani, where is he?”
Dani wants to cry. She can’t do this. She isn’t strong enough.
“Dani, please. Please. Just- just tell me it isn’t true. Oto said-“ his voice breaks. Dani did that once, she thinks. Broke. But not for long. Dani’s never allowed to be broken for long. She always has to put herself back together, just like the million machines she’s deconstructed.
“He said that— that—“ Dani feels the hand on her shoulder tense and Roy inhales sharply, “—but it can’t be true. Dani, tell me it’s not true.”
Dani squeezes her eyes shut. She can’t do this. She’s not strong enough.
“I’m sorry.”
Her voice is barely a whisper. Hardly audible really, but she knows Roy heard. His hand recoils and she can hear him start to panic. “I’m sorry,” she says again, but she doesn’t think Roy hears this time. There’s heat rising behind her eyes and that’s bad. That’s bad, bad. Dani can’t cry. Not here. Not here in the open where she can practically feel her crew mates’ gazes burning through her. She needs to leave. She needs to leave now.
Dani starts to move, she doesn’t know where to, but she just needs to be anywhere but here. Two arms wrap around and trap her. She wants to leave, but she’s not strong enough. She’s not strong enough to make Roy let go. She’s not strong enough to stop hugging him back. And when she feels his tears drip on her shoulder, she’s not strong enough to hold back her own.
She hears ugly sobbing and she’s not sure if it’s hers or Roy’s. It doesn’t matter. Roy hugs her tighter. Dani’s apologizing, over and over even though she doesn’t know why. She knows it’s not her fault.
It feels like it’s her fault.
Roy doesn’t say anything. He just holds onto her. Dani has to stand on her toes to not get choked, but she doesn’t care. She can indulge in this weakness, just this once.