Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Well Hi ya’ll. My name is Spider, I just turned 23. My life changed when that spider bit me. In some ways it got worse, in other ways it got better. I was fifteen when that damn Green Goblin killed my daddy.

Well, that Goblin died, but I still cried. His son and I are good friends. Despite his severe mood swings, and the fact he tries to kill me in my sleep every now n’ then, we’re cool. He even calls himself Goblin.

We live with our other friend Tater in what we call a mega-mobile. A lot of people live in those these days. It’s like a tank and a home on wheels (caterpillar tread more like it). If you’re in the desert, it’s best to live in one else you’d be easy food for the Mongolian death worms.

There’s the Jersey Devils too. All I know is a couple hundred years ago some rich assholes decided to splice a hog, an ostrich, and a horse together. They’re pests. They’re everywhere, and always get run over by mega-mobiles. I was told they ate all the pigeons and rats.

From what little electronic media and books we’ve gathered together, we learned this land was once the US of A. The national anthem was called the “Hamster Dance Song”. It’s a pretty catchy tune, must have been hard to recite though. Jesus Christ was the first president and Abraham Lincoln fought the vampires in the civil war. Apparently Johnny Cash was the first person to land on the moon and he invented the question mark.The internet also went to shit and crashed twice over. Some groups still have internet, most of us don’t.

We’re traveling to the largest city we know, it’s called Lost Vegas. Some call it LV for short. It’s ruled over by this asshole named Kingpin. He controls the water and gasoline supply ‘round those parts.

We stop every now and then to help people. I help repair their mobiles, get access to clean water, and I even made a special type of thread for lightweight clothing. It’s useful for working in this sweltering heat. We’re going to barter for some more gear and gasoline using the best currency we have: whiskey, moonshine n’ marijuana.

While we were on our way to LV, this big ole grey dude rammed into our mega-mobile. After that, shit started getting reaaallll weird.

Chapter Text

They were halfway to Lost Vegas to barter for more supplies and gasoline when it rammed into the side of their mega-mobile. The monitors in the third level flashed red warning symbols. This disruption resulted in moderate damage, and coolant leaked out.

Spider got up from her hammock saying “Meow what in the hell is goin on?” and walked over to the monitor. “Goblin!” She shouted into her walkie talkie “D’ya see what’s fuckin our mobile?”
“Yeah yeah!” He replied in a raspy voice “It’s big n gray, things got a horn coming out of its face. Seems pissed.”
“Well I’d think so.” Spider grinded her teeth and let out a sigh.
“Imma shoot at it then? Or do I use my grenades this time?”
“Nah man. We’re already short on ammo. Let’s save it for worse.”
“You gonna take care of it?” Tater asked, he was steering the megamobile.
“Yep. Stop the mobile please.” Spider put on her mask and goggles.
“Ya want me to cover yah incase?” Asked goblin
“Sure. Im goin out now” spider put the walkie on her belt.
Oh! One more thing before I go!” She said to herself. She pulled down part of her mask and took a swig of whiskey from her flask, put it back into a pocket of her utility belt and then unlocked the door. Some sand and a strong gust of hot air flew into the hull.
“Ugh!” Grunted Tater. “Shut that door quickly!” He shouted. She slammed the door shut and peered down at the gray thing, her hands clung to the railing. The sand grains already accumulated in between her fingers, but it didn’t bother her too much.

The hulking gray humanoid took a few steps back and then rushed at the mobile.
Bang! Bang! Bang! He rammed into the side again and again.
Spider pulled out a megaphone from a storage compartment next to the hull door.
She flipped on a switch, pointed it at the gray dude and said
“Hey you! That is enough! Cut that shit out right meow!”

He looked up and sneered at her, his eyes bloodshot and watering from the sand grains blowing around. He roared “And what if I don’t? What are you gonna do about it?”
Spider scoffed at him and said “Imma go down there and kick your ass ya big gray fuck!”
She put the megaphone up and shot out a web, swinging down and landing on the red dirt ground.

Upon first observation, Spider kinda looked like a member of Def Leppard in their prime. She had mullet-esque dark brown choppy hair that seemed as if it were assaulted by a weed-wacker. Her skin was light brown, and her arms were well toned and covered with scrapes n bandaids. Her left hip had a long scar across it and her abs were rock hard. Spider’s tank top was neon green with a web pattern, aside from her utility belt, she wore tattered jean shorts and steel toed boots. She wasn’t about to wear her spandex suit in this hot ass sand storm.

She scanned this gray dude up and down. ‘Well holy hell this guy is huuuge’ she thought. He had the horn protruding where his nose should be, plus bulky muscles. His countenance more animal than man. What a sight. Spider sighed and straightened her posture while looking up at him.
“Meow let’s see what you’re all about big fella!” She shouted.

He chuckled and rushed to her, his steps shook the ground as sweat beads flew off him. Spider leapt into the air to avoid the blow and landed behind him. He turned heel and rushed at her again, gritting his teeth.

Spider braced herself and jumped at him, she avoided his punches and landed on top of his shoulders and shot webbing into his eyes, flipped over and kicked him in the back of the head. The rhino stumbled over and landed on the ground.

Spider tried to tie his wrists together around his back but the rhino rolled over and before she could jump away he grabbed her arm and flung her to the ground. Rhino took his leg and tried to stomp out Spider, aiming for her head. She rolled over and jumped up, her feet back on the ground. He charged at her again and she jumped back to make some distance. He charged at her again.

Spider let him get close then she grabbed his horn and landed on his shoulders again, and smacked his ears with both hands to disorient him. It didn’t work quite as well as she thought and he fell backwards purposefully to try to squash her, she scrambled back and he rolled over and punched her right in the face, and her head smacked into hot red ground.

“Uhhh” she groaned, her ears rung, and she jumped up and clung to the megamobile to get her bearings. The rhino laughed and said “can’t even handle a punch what a weak ass bitch!”

She pulled her mask off when she felt her nose sting. Red liquid trickled down her lips and she wiped the it away. She looked at her red fingers and smiled widely. “Hehehe” she chuckled. Spider pointed at Rhino and yelled “It ain’t over till it’s over!” And jumped back down. She smacked her chest with her hands and motioned to Rhino. “Cmon big boi! I’m ready for ya!”

Rhino charged again. Spider shot webbing at his legs and ran past him, he turned heel and followed her. She shot more webbing and grabbed the ends, running around him again until rhinos legs got tangled in the web ropes and lost his balance. Spider quickly covered him in more webbing and bunched up the ends, she began to drag him around and she spun around until Rhino lifted up off the ground and she spun him around over and over to build up momentum.

When she felt it right, she let go of the ropes and Rhino, wrapped up in the webs and dizzy, flew off into the sky and hit one of the mesas. The red rocks tumbled down, and dirt flew everywhere, it looked like a red cloud.

She jumped on the mobile and pulled out a hover board from the storage compartment on the fourth level. She rode the board to where Rhino was, he was lying on the ground still dazed. Spider cocooned him in more webs and hung him up, attaching the end of the webs to the rocky wall of the mesa. Spider took out her flask and took a swig. “Now uh..” she sniffed “Now that you’re a bit calmer can you mind telling me why you were attacking us?”

Rhino replied “your stupid machine-“ before Rhino could complete his sentence he glitched, all the colors flashed and he seemed to blip in and out of existence.

Spider jumped back and said “what the fuuuck!? Now what in the hell is up with you?”
Rhino said “This is what was happening earlier when your dumb machine ran over my fuckin toe.”

She pulled out her walkie talkie and called over Goblin and Tater, explaining to them what happened.
Tater looked Rhino up and down and said “You are one big fella. I don’t think you’re from round these parts are ya?”

“No. I don’t know how but I was minding my business when I got flung into the desert. One moment I was in the city, then I’m here.”

“Sounds like teleportation” said Goblin.

“Is that technology still around? I thought it was lost or at least, obscure.” said Spider.

Ehhh, I’ve heard a few stories here n there but I’m not sure.” Said Tater.
Rhino glitched again, Tater’s jaw dropped and Goblin just stared.

“See what I mean? So weird.” Said spider

“That.. that ain’t right.” Said Tater

Rhino groaned, he clenched his jaw, grinding his teeth together.

“Looks like it hurts don’t it?” Said Goblin.

“Very much.” Said Rhino.

“You got any of your delicious brownies, Gobby?” Asked Spider.

“I always do.” Said Goblin. He pulled out some cellophane wrapped brownie squares from his bag and handed one to spider. Spider unwrapped it and said “Eat this big guy, it’ll help with the pain.”

“How so?” Asked Rhino.

“Give it about a half hour or an hour and you’ll find out”.

“You’re not drugging me.” Rhino said flatly.

“You’re stranded here and hangin upside down, might as well have some fun huh?” Spider said with a toothy smile.
“Ehhh” Rhino rolled his eyes “fuck it, why not?”

Spider shoved the brownie in his mouth. Then she, Tater and Goblin took turns smoking a blunt while Rhino hung upside down.

Later, they were all sitting around a campfire next to the megamobile, sharing a bottle of whiskey. Spider cut down Rhino as soon as he started getting high. He sat with them and they were all laughing. “That spider man, he’s a little dude but damn one day I’m going to squash him.”

Rhino’s eyes watered and he started laughing. “Squash his brains into the pavement!” He slapped his knee. “Haha! But you’re a spider too” he said pointing at Spider, his large wide hand covered his eyes and he chuckled. “And a girl, if even that”.

Spider laughed with him, “So there’s a spider man?” She asked.

“Of course there is! How would you not know? He’s in New York!”

Spider looked at Tater and Goblin and quietly mouthed “What is New York?”

They shrugged their shoulders.

Spider relaxed her posture, she laid back on the ground staring at the purple sky, her eyes red and she took another swig of whiskey before lighting a cigarette.

Everyone was relaxed when the portal opened. Goblin nudged spider with his foot and said “Hey! Look over there! Something weirds happening again.”

Spider sat up and saw the spiraling portal and three figures pop out of it. She glared at it “Now how can this day get any weirder.” she said.

“Spider, they look like more spiders.” said Tater.

“Mother of god” Goblin said in awe.

“One spider is enough.” Grunted Rhino.

Spider stood up, taking a drag off her cigarette while grasping the neck of the whiskey bottle. She looked at all three of the figures.
“Nooo Gobby. We don’t got spiders. What we got here is..” the three approached them and she said “We got two wheeled preggie”
Tater snorted.
“Ugh..” she looked the one in the middle up and down. He was the largest and bulkiest of the three, seemingly the one in charge.
“Cornfed”
Tater snorted again.
“Aaaand..” Spider smiled when she saw the third with his hoodie cut off at the sleeves and very muscular build. “Himbo Slice”.
Tater bent over, laughing hard.

Chapter Text

Well holy hell, theres a funny looking spiral in the sky opening. Preggie on two wheels, Cornfed, and Himbo Slice are coming my way
I took another swig of whiskey as they made their way over here.

How did I end up here again?
Oh right.

After daddy died I was so lost. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. He guided me and taught me so much. When he died, I died too.
But I still breathed.
Food tasted gross afterwards. Water sucked. Yet the heat of the Nevada sun felt wonderful. I wanted to the meat sack I inhabited to cook under it.

Harry was still there for me. He huffed so much Oscorp chemicals to deal with his own pain. I never ever held his father’s actions against him. To me, he was always my best friend. Even when he tried to choke me out while I slept. I looked up at him and said “it’s okay.”

Secretly, I wished he was successful. Then maybe I could see dad again. I could feel grounded.

I realized my true life’s purpose when the local medicine man gave me peyote.
It became so clear after the trip.
Life is suffering. Suffering can be beautiful. Suffering means I can FEEL.
Since I can feel, I can help ease other’s suffering. Even if they’re not completely free of pain, all that matters is that I tried to help.

That is what I’ll do from now on. I will try my best to help. Because I love humanity and those who aren’t “human”. I was reborn as the universe’s messenger. The message is love.

Chapter Text

“Uhhhh are you from like, a government or something?” Spider said raising one eyebrow and a semi-scowl on her face.

“No.” Said the big spider, whom Spider called Cornfed.

“Ain’t no government been here for 200 years Spider.” said Tater.

“But they look all clean n’ sophisticated. Like they’ve had a shower.” Spider said in intrigue, rubbing her chin, looking them up and down, deeply interested in their suits.

“Maybe the rapture is here, and they’re archangels sent from President Christ to deliver his message of doom n’ judgement.” said Goblin.

Spider and Tater pondered what Goblin said and gawked at the three Spider people in awe, mouths agape, wondering if they’ll be sent to hell or heaven.

Himbo Slice cut in and said aloud “The desert sun, although setting, is harsh and unforgiving. I’m sweating already.”

“Hi there” smiled two wheeled preggie. She extended a hand to Spider, I see you’ve apprehended that Rhino.”

Spider shook her hand and said “Soooo uhhh. What’s that all about?” She pointed at the portal.

Cornfed and two wheeled preggie explained what the multiverse is, what Spider Society is, and how Spider is a variant and about why the anomalies are appearing.

“An anomaly huh?” Spider smiled wide and she turned to Rhino “Ya hear that Rhino?! You’re fuckin special!”
Spider patted Rhino on the shoulder, her eyes brimming with amusement.
The three blazed n drunken morons erupted in laughter. Rhino’s reddened eyes shook and were wide as Dixie brand disposable dinner plates.

“Now what is so funny about that?” Asked two wheeled preggie.

“Fuckin anenome” snorted Goblin.

“Amonaly” croaked Tater:

“Amanalee” Spider sang in a sing-song tone.
The three hicks erupted in laughter again, their red eyes glimmering.
Rhino looked at the portal in horror, his teeth just slightly chattering.

“Ay dios mio” said Cornfed, he massaged his masked forehead with one hand while resting the other hand on his hip.

Rhino looked at Spider with a paranoid expression etched into his face and pointed one of his fat grey fingers at the portal. “I-I’m supposed to go in that hole?”

“Ah guess so. These nice clean folk from the swirly hole wanna take you home, my dude.” Spider gave him a big reassuring toothy smile, some teeth were missing, some were chipped.

“No! No way! I’m not getting in that fuckin’ hole!”

“It’s ok big fella.” Spider said in a soothing tone. They’re trying to help. I think.”

“You think?!” Creaked Rhino

“I mean” Spider hesitated, rolling her eyes to the left and shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t know them personally but they seem like they got good intentions.”

“That’s not good enough! I’m not going in that hole!” Shouted Rhino.

Spider held her hands up in surrender and said “Okay okaayy. How bout I go with ya? How’s that sound? You know I got your back bro.”

“Ugh I guess that’s alright.”

Spider turned her attention to Cornfed and said “Well I didn’t wanna visit but the Rhino here insists I go with.”

“How would you even know it wants to go with you. It’s just a Rhino!” Cornfed’s eyes under his mask narrowed into a scowl and he kicked the red dirt ground in irritation.

“Whaddya mean?”

“You three keep talking to it like it’s another person. Look at it! It’s a fucking Rhino!” Cornfed shouted.

The haze around the Rhino disappeared, his humanoid form melted away revealing a regular animal, a Rhino swaying around on all fours.

“Oohhhhh.” Said Spider, her eyes widened a bit.

She turned to Goblin and Tater, they returned her gaze with a surprised look on their faces, as if to say “We didn’t know it was an actual rhino either.”

“ I uhh, got a confession to make.” Said Tater, he dug his boots into the ground nervously. “So you know how we ate those mushroom spinach omelets this morning?”

“Yessss?” hissed Spider, a scowl formed on her face.

“Well, I think I used the wrong mushrooms.” he said guiltily.

“So we’ve been chilling with an actual Rhino this whole time?” Asked goblin.

“It would seem so.” Said Tater.

“Hehehe. Trippin.” Himbo Slice said with a light chuckle.

They stared at each other again, and their smiles grew wider and wider until they erupted in laughter. Himbo Slice laughed with them too.

Tater bent over laughing almost collapsing to the ground with tears in his eyes “And you fuckin cocooned it and gave it the brownie.” He pointed at Spider.

“Yeah yeah it’s sooo funny.” Cornfed cut into the conversation. “Congratulations, you three are very, very stupid. And you-“ he pointed at Spider “You are the most disappointing out of all of this, you need to clean up your act young lady, and lay off the fuckin’ sauce and the drugs. You’re not invited to the Spider Society until you sober up”

“Pfft. Listen here, Cornfed” Spider took a drag off her cigarette, sneering at him and held up one finger. “You ain’t my daddy. So don’t tell me what to do. And second.” She held up two fingers “I don’t caaare about your Spider Society, so take yer damn rhino n get goin.” Spider dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

“Ohohohoo” Himbo Slice laughed and said “Just wait till she-“

“Ben, shut up!” Cornfed shouted. “Also, my name is not Cornfed.”

Jessica nudged the big Cornfed spider man and said “Let her visit this one time, it could help her.”

Cornfed looked at Spider, who was taking another swing from her whiskey bottle. He sighed deeply, and said “Fine, but she’s not invited to join.”

“Adios, muchachos!” Spider nodded and waved to Tater and Goblin. “If I don’t come back within sayyy 24 hours just assume I’m dead.”

“If I do die, Gobby, you can have my spider web cartridges.”

Goblin pumped his fist in the air and said “Sweet!”

“And Tater, I leave you my pog collection.”

“Awww that’s really nice of you spider” said Tater.

Jessica felt her senses tell her something is coming their way. Her eyes widened in surprise and she said “Wait, Ben do you feel that?” Jessica braced herself.

“Oh god why is the ground shaking?” Whined Ben

The ground under their feet rumbled. Everybody tensed up.
The ground near them burst, and from it a giant red Mongolian death worm that stared down at them with its beady black eyes and opened its mouth to reveal its sharp teeth glistening with venom. It made a powerful whirring noise that one could feel reverberate through their body.

Spider jumped in front of the worm and said “Wait! Wait!” Her arms held out in a defensive position. “Don’t shoot webs at it or you’ll piss him off.”

“Oh hey, it’s Cody!” Goblin said merrily.
Tater relaxed and waved to the worm “Hello Cody!”

“It’s name is Cody?” Asked Jessica.

“Yeah!” Said Spider.

“Cody’s one of the best!” Exclaimed Goblin.

“I know what you’ve come for, Cody.” Spider said as she waved the bottle of whiskey around and the worm’s eyes followed the bottle.

“The whiskey tax.” Tater whispered to Two wheeled preggie aka Jessica.

Spider tossed the bottle into the worm’s mouth and it shut its jaws momentarily to swallow the bottle. Cody gave a satisfied, rumbling hum and quickly went back into its hole in the ground.

“I’ve seen enough. Let’s go now.” said Cornfed.

Chapter Text

Tater was dozing off in the lawn chair in front of the campfire while Goblin chewed on some BBQ’d Jersey Devil meat and messed around with Spider’s web cartridges.

“Holy shit it’s Spider!” Tater pointed at the portal that quickly closed as soon as it opened.

“Dude c’mon!” Spider held her arms out as she walked towards Goblin and Tater. “It’s only been two hours! I said if I wasn’t back in 24 hours then you could have them!”

“I couldn’t help myself heheheh.” giggled Goblin.

“So, what was it like Spider? Did ya make any new friends?” Tater asked as he rubbed his eyes and yawned.

Spider rubbed her nose and snorted. “Dude, there’s a shit ton of other spider people. All different shapes n sizes n’ what have you. Hell, there’s even a cat and a T Rex.”

“That’s awesome!” Said Tater.

“I bet could it get confusing.” Mumbled Goblin.

“Yeah. But I’d say the best part out of the whole place wasn’t the high tech shit or the other Spiders. The air conditioning in there is off the chain! I was actually freezing my ass off, and the water is crystal clear. Tasted smooth too. Plus, they got inside-toilets!” Exclaimed Spider.

“Damn.” Said Goblin

“Sounds like heaven”. Said Tater.

Spider proceeded to sit down in one of the lawn chairs that was around the campfire. She peeled off her mask and let out a deep sigh, relaxing into the chair. She stared somberly at the embers. Dark circles formed under her reddened eyes.

Tater noticed her mood change and asked “You alright? You look like you saw something fucked up.”

“I did Tater. Remember when the medicine man said my past would come back to haunt me? Well, it did.”

“Do tell do tell!” Goblin chanted.

“Spidey needs her sauce first.” She said while lighting a cigarette.

“Sauce is served!” Said Goblin. He passed her a fresh whiskey bottle.

“That multiverse shit is evil.” Spider said in a gritty voice, and popped the cap off the whiskey bottle.

“Is it? I thought the idea of it was pretty cool. There’s tons of other versions of ourselves living their lives, some have it better than us, some have it worse.” Said Tater.

Spider blew out some smoke and said “That’s the problem. It’s one thing to know about the multiverse, but to peer into them and see other versions of yourself, it’s a can of worms.”

“Yeah I’d imagine someone could take it the wrong way and wonder why their lives aren’t as good as an alternative version of themselves” Tater said as he sipped a mason jar full of pineapple moonshine.

“That Cornfed dude has the tech to peer into all sorts of multiverses. While it was interesting, I got a bad feeling about all of it. Motherfucker be standing there staring at all his screens hunched over n’ watching everything. He was blabbing on about canon events and some sort of hadron collider dew-hickey, so I pretty much zoned out n’ decided I wanted no part of it.” Said Spider. She took a big swig of whiskey.

“Ya ever wonder if he watches the other spider people fuck or go to the bathroom?” Asked Tater.

“It’s possible. Seems like maybe that’s why he’s always grouchy. Cuz he ain’t gettin no poon-tang.” Said Spider.

“Well over all I say it seems like it would be pretty fun to go there and chill with other versions of yourself.” said Goblin.

“Yeaahh but then Cornfed took my flask away, drank up all the whiskey in it, and then spat the whiskey out. He handed me a cup of coffee and told me I still ain’t allowed back till I sober up.”

“Well fuck that noise.” Croaked Goblin.

“Yeeup! That’s what I said!” grunted Spider.

“You got any blunts left in your utility belt?”Tater asked.

“No. I gave the rest of them to Ben, or you know, Himbo Slice.” Spider snickered.

“Hahhh!” Tater clapped his hands “I hope the whole place there will stink like weed. That oughta piss off Cornfed.”

“Ain’t gonna take much to piss that dude off, he probably needs to smoke too.” Said Goblin.

——————————————————————
A few days had passed. The trio fixed their mega-mobile and continued their trip to Lost Vegas. Spider’s mood was sour. Ever since she visited the Spider Society she drank more. When bandits tried to raid their mega-mobile, she was extra brutal and beat them unconscious.

Tater and Goblin noticed the mood change and figured it had something to do with visiting the Spider Society. Yet they didn’t press her on all what happened there.

Tater steered the mega mobile and said “We could use some tunes. ‘Ts yer turn to play the banjo, Spider.”
“Aight!” Smiled Spider.
Tater tapped his foot, goblin did a little jig and Spider began strumming the banjo. All three of them sang

*waking in the morning, got the bottle by my side, you been working late but the bottles right here and the bottle don’t make me wait. second to the bottle once again. second to the bottle once again. I know it hurts, but it’s plain to see that the bottles been there for meeee wakin in the morning ain’t no cock a doodle doooo*

They stopped off for a break at the landfill, a giant mound of trash full of random shit from the old world. For some good entertainment, they fired up a generator, collected a pile of microwaves, and put random shit in the micro waves till they blew up. They all three sat on an old tattered couch. Goblin loaded up the the microwave with a semi empty cans of spray paint. “I give it about uhhh two minutes.” Said Tater.
“Mkay but I’m setting it to a good ten minutes just to be sure.” Said Goblin.
The results were mixed, and the explosion was underwhelming. They continued to microwave old cell phones, silverware, a smaller microwave, propane, and propane accessories. They eventually grew bored and continued on with their drive.

To drum extra money, Spider and her friends always had odd jobs. One of their most successful was simply playing small concerts or hosting desert rave parties. People needed an outlet for their stress, they needed to feel carefree for a bit and let loose, for though life was simple, it was rough. All that mattered for most was getting water, gasoline, and a bite to eat. Another side job was participating in fights in the thunderdomes. Spider did a few matches here n’ there, and of course, always won.

They reached the edges of Lost Vegas, which is where visitors docked their mega-mobiles. Of course, there’s fees to pay. One for simply being there, another to keep the mobile from being broken into, and another to keep the gas within from being siphoned out.

The markets bustled about, which were covered with tents and fans within that blew air to keep it somewhat bearable. The gang’s first go to was Dr. Ock’s pawn shop. He was an older fella who had a mullet with bangs cut straight across his forehead. He had a goatee and wore a brown leather cowboy hat. Attached to his back were eight mechanical arms that replaced his two arms that he lost in a fight with a particularly ornery Mongolian death worm. He also talked to himself. A lot. He talked to his arms too.

The trio walked into a run down storage unit, Tater greeted Dr. Ock, who was sitting in a chair, cleaning his 0.22 rifle with his mechanical arms.
“Well howdy there Dr. Ock. We came here to do some trading but you already knew that.”

“Byeah.” He grunted “Whatchu got for me now, munchkins?” Said Dr Ock in a voice that sounded like tire tread being rubbed over gravel.

They all set their items on the counter nearby- a thirty pack of moonshine, 6 ounces of bud neatly sealed into Mylar bags, a pack of goblin’s grenades and five large cartridges of spider’s thread webs.

“More thread huh? But not your personal supply. That’s the good stuff right there.” Dr. Ock said as he glanced at their stuff.

“My special supply ain’t ever up for grabs.” Said Spider

“Shame.” Said Dr Ock. “Ya’ll want your usual?” He asked. They nodded. He grabbed their items off the shelves that were high up on the wall with his mechanical arms. Spider got her fifty pack of cigarettes, a ten pack of cigarette lighters, bat guano fertilizer and UV lamps for Tater and straight razors blades, a sling blade, n a large pack of wormhole tattoo needle cartridges for Goblin.

“It’s nice doin business with ya, Doc. We’ll see you next time we hit up town.” Said Tater

Dr. Ock continued to clean his .22 and started to rant.

“Ya’ll still don’t know the evil that lurks behind the shadowy curtain that covers this earth. I’m tellin ya, that goddamn sun in the sky ain’t real. Now I know you won’t believe me but it’s a black sun. Generated by them evil demon-aliens that are harvesting our souls for the sweet loosh energy they so crave. Ya hear?”

“Yeaaahhhh, we here ya lound n clear Dr. Ock.” Tater rolled his eyes.

“Them reptoids don’t feel. They have no souls, they only feel lust and hunger. The powers that be are but flesh vessels for these things. If ya ever get a good look at them, look at their pupils; they aren’t right. They’re slits, just like a reptile.”

“That’s mighty heavy stuff, we’ll be sure to look out for them reptoids.” Said Goblin. All three did their best to not crack a smile. The edges of their lips quivering, Spider snorted.

“ I know ya don’t believe me. You think I’m crazy, but I seen’t ‘em. It was at the pool hall, and it had evil black eyes. I knew then n’ there it wasn’t human. Whatever you do, when you die, don’t go into the light! Forge your own path. Choose neither heaven nor hell, don’t follow a leader, forge your own path to escape the soul trap and avoid reincarnation!”

“Yeeaaaaah you know, that was great advice. It seems like we gotta move on you, we’ll see you around Dr. Ock.” Said Tater.

Chapter Text

The gang continued with their bartering venture, and acquired gasoline and dehydrated and freeze dried foods.

They made their way back to where their mega mobile was parked. “Oh fuck.” Said Spider, her eyes widened in surprise.

“What’s bothering ya?” Asked Goblin.

“It’s coming our way, let’s walk faster.” she said and picked up the pace, close to breaking out in sprint. But it was too late.

“Hey there!” yelled a woman, waving at Spider as she walked to her, she was very voluptuous in form. Her medium length platinum blonde hair was slicked back, and almost every inch of her skin was covered in tattoos. Her pointed green eyes were all the more accentuated by thick black eyeliner and eyeshadow, and her lips were painted black.

“Hey….Felicia” responded Spider flatly, and came to an almost complete stop.

“You look good. Have you been…doing better lately?” Felicia asked.

“I’m great! And you?” Spider had a paranoid smile grow across her face as she stared at the ground and scratched the back of her neck.

“I’m doing wonderful! You ever wanna catch up for real just hit me up, you know where to find me.” She smiled sweetly at Spider and lightly tapped her on the shoulder.

“That’s nice.” Spider said quickly and she swayed around nervously before thinking of an exit. “Well! Would you look at the time! Goblin’s late for his uhhh foot fungus appointment, gotta go!” And with that she took off in a sprint to the mega-mobile.

Goblin and Tater caught up with her shortly after.
“So, what’s the story with that? She an old friend or something?” Tater asked.

“An ex.” Replied Spider.

“Ahhhh.” Tater replied, as he loaded up their aquired supplies in the storage compartments on the fourth floor of the mega mobile.

“I think she’s pretty hot, she’s got a nice ass.” Said Goblin as he helped Tater load up more stuff.

“Yeah, she’s alright. She’s also fuckin’ crazy.” Spider said while putting away her cigarettes and lighters.

“Even better!” Tater said.

“Eh” Spider shrugged. “I thought so too for a while. Until it got old haha.” She chuckled.

“Those two used to get into some really nasty arguments.” Said Goblin.

“Really? Was it worse than when you n’ Spider fight?” asked Tater.

“I don’t know if it’s worse, more like intense. We’d literally pull each other’s hair out.” Said Spider.

“Sounds hot.” Said Tater.

“Haha, you’d think so. She was too high maintenance for my taste. That an we were so fuckin’ toxic.”Said Spider.

“I don’t know about that Spider, I think when you got with that fuckin’ pile of black alien goo you were a straight up bitch.” Said Goblin.

“An alien?” Asked Tater

“It’s a long story. But yes, I was a real bitch, which is why me and ole’ venom had to part ways.” Spider said as she climbed into her hammock.

Tater shook his head and smiled. He got into the front seat and started up the mobile.

—————————————————————
They headed back east. Tater wanted to see some of his cousins out in Tucumcari, New Mexico, one of the few places whose name remains the same as it was in the old world.

They stopped to rest in the cold desert, about a hundred miles before their destination. However, Spider’s sleep was cut short by Goblin. He stared down at her, with a murderous gleam in his eye. He tried to stab her with a straight razor and her spider sense ripped her out of her sleep and she blocked Goblins blow and hopped out of the hammock.

“Seriously, dude. I’m not in the mood to be fucked with right now.” Groaned Spider.

Goblin’s eyes widened and he cackled maniacally.
“Awww come on Spidey, don’t you want to see daddy again? He could use some company in hell.”
Goblin attempted to swipe at her neck with the straight razor.
Spider quickly punched him in the face, sending him crashing into the metal wall behind him.

Tater woke up and said wearily “Hey! Hey! You two take it outside! Don’t wreck my shit.”

Goblin and Spider went outside where he taunted her further. “A father for a father. I wonder what exactly happened to mine? I know you killed him, Spider. I know you lied to me. You think you’re so much better than everyone else, but I know the truth. You’re just as filthy as the rest of us sinners. And you’ll always lose those that are closest to you, you’re doomed to be alone” he smiled widely.

Spider glared at him and put her fists up, initiating another fight.

Goblin threw one of his homemade bombs at her, to which Spider dove away from, but the explosion left some shrapnel embedded in her side.
She groaned in pain. “Ughhh fuck you too!”

She gritted her teeth and shot webbing at Goblin’s legs, and pulled the web back quickly to knock him off his feet. Dragging him towards her, she tugged the web again, sending goblin flying at her, and she landed a blow right in his face.

Goblin hit the dirt and looked up at her with blood trickling out of his nose. He smiled and said
“I know you’re hiding something about your visit to your little spider club. And I think it has something to do with dear old dead daddy.” He proceeded to laugh even more, it was grating like a fork being scratched across porcelain.

She grimaced and said “I’m going to knock you back to sleep and that will be the end of that.”
Spider proceeded to stomp on his head.

The next morning Spider and Goblin sat at the table in the kitchen area. Goblin held an ice pack over his blackened, swollen shut eye, and there was a tampon stuffed up his nose. Spider had white bandages wrapped around her stomach, crusted with blood.

Tater sipped on a cup of coffee. He sat down and said “Sooo that was quite a gnarly fight. Goblin, do you know what triggered ya this time?”

Goblin looked down at the table and shrugged. “I’m still not sure. I just go to sleep and then I wake up being told I tried to kill Spider, again.”

“Since we’re going to Tucumcari again, you n Spider can pay another visit to old man Tonemah. Goblin, maybe he can help you reconcile your uhhh other selves or whatever.” said Tater.

Old man Tonemah was a Kiowa dude, and one of the last of his family to possess a very sacred medicine bundle. It’s contents so sacred, that hardly anyone could look at them. His hair was divided into to braids that were wrapped in blue yarn, and he sported aviator glasses with his leather vest, jeans, and cowboy boots. Turquoise rings covered his brown fingers.

Spider and Goblin unloaded their dirt bikes from the lower level of the mobile and rode to Tonemah’s house, about ten miles out. They passed the old hotels and restaurants which were reduce to piles of rubble, save for the neon signs, some were Teepees.

They reached his house and were warmly welcomed by him.
He hugged Spider and Goblin. “It’s good to see you kids again! How was Lost Vegas? Did you get everything you wanted?”

They described their experience to Tonemah. He gave an amused chuckle.

“There’s something I also wanted to mention.” Said Spider

“Mmm?” Asked Tonemah

“Pretty much everything I was told was going to happen during that peyote trip did happen!” She exclaimed.

“Is that right?” He said

Spider proceeded to describe her experience at the spider society and the spiders from the other universes, and the anomalies.

Tonemah shook his head. “It’s not good to mess with grandmother spider’s web of life and reality. But I suppose she’s allowing this interference for a reason. But those who are toying with her webs must be careful not to shake them too much, or they’ll unravel. You know what I’m saying?”

“Yea!” Spider exclaimed. “That’s why I chose to not be apart of that. It rubs me the wrong way.”

Tonemah took a sip of his coffee and said “You two looked like you got the tar beat out of ya.”

“Yeaahh, I tried to murder Spider in her sleep again .”Goblin said guiltily “I was wondering if you had any advice or suggestions for that.”

“Look, I’m not a psychologist or anything like that. I don’t think I can really help you besides suggesting another peyote session, of which is for spiritual reasons. But maybe that’s something that can help you close the gap between all those other people that live in you, I don’t know.” Explained Tonemah.

“Ah. Gotcha. I think I’ll do the peyote thing next time, don’t think I’m quite there yet to do it again.” Said Goblin.

Tonemah nodded his head in agreement.

Satisfied with their visit, they exchanged their goodbyes and waited for Tater back at the mega mobile. He got back around the late evening and together they drove a couple hours east, their next destination was to visit a town within an the area where the state of Oklahoma used to be.

They stopped to rest for the night in Amarillo.
Spider was already in a sullen moon so she drank herself silly. “I need some alone time, I’m spending the night outside.” She slurred her words as she informed Tater.

“Suit yourself.” He replied.

Spider wasn’t too worried about Mongolian death worms in this particular area. They were more numerous in Nevada and Utah than anywhere else.

Spider laid down on an old, worn out Pendleton blanket. She stared at the shining cluster of stars peppering the black sky, her face flushed red. The world seemed to spin around her, and she fought sleep. In the distance she heard the coyotes sing, and for an hour or two just vibed with them.

It was around three in the morning when she woke back up. The clicking of metal spurs made their way closer and closer to her. They stopped right at her head.

Spider looked to her side. She saw brown leather cowboy boots with intricate detailed patterns sewn into them. Her eyes wandered up the denim covered legs, the beaded leather belt with turquoise studded medallions, the muslin cotton button up shirt with a bolo tie and bandana that covered his bulky, masculine build, and finally to his face.

His cowboy hat hid most of his face save for his chin, lips, and thick black handlebar mustache. Spider slowly blinked, her eyelids reddened. She could smell him, his scent was a combination of sage, cinnamon, and sweet sandalwood.

“Hello there, Dad.” She muttered. Her breathing relaxed and she smiled wide. The warm, paternal energy that emanated from the man caused Spider’s eyelids to fall heavy. She reached out to touch his leg, but it dissipated into a whisp-like smoke and floated away. She let out a deep sigh and said “Well, it was nice to see you again.”

Spider fell asleep and reminisced about her dad in her dreams. She was ten years old, and her dad was repairing the neighbor’s water filtration system that was attached to their mega mobile. He sat down on his haunches to get a look at the wiring. His cotton shirt had grease stains all over, and there was oil under his nails and in between the wrinkles on his knuckles. He motioned for little Spider to fetch him his metal box full of screws, bolts, and nails. She was his little “Gopher”. Go for this, go for that, etc. Her father turned to her and patted her head. He said in his smooth, serene voice that was like water flowing over river rocks “Everything is going to be alright, dear. We can fix this.”

Spider woke up in tears, hyperventilating. She got up and wiped them away and said in a whiny, haggard voice “Damn it dad, I miss you.”
She pulled out her flask, took a sip, and went back to sleep.

Chapter Text

The next thing on their to-do list was to drive East, past Texas. There’s a plot of land hidden in the woods that has an underground concrete bunker and a small cabin. That is where Tater grows his marijuana and stores his whiskey n moonshine reserves in barrels and tanks.

To discourage robbers, there’s booby traps all around the land. There’s the snake pits, the grenade-in-a-can (Goblin’s favorite) and simple pit traps. The traps could be more brutal, but at the behest of Spider, they toned it down. Plenty of signs are posted in about five languages all around the land to warn intruders of the traps. So far, Tater’s only had a few incidents. He also pays a few neighbors to alert him by way of shortwave radio if they ever see anything.

The land was out past two of the most populated towns in the southeast area. First is Skully town, and then Sweetgrass. The drive to Skully town was relaxing. The land changed from red dirt, cacti, rocky terrain, mountains and the scalding dry heat to green trees, lush grass fields, and equally dreadful wet n’ sticky humid heat.

They drove into Skully town and stopped off to take a leak outside. Spider wandered up to the edge of the forest, cicadas chirped in the background. She did her business and noticed some green plants with little red-violet berries.

“Aw sweet! It’s Polk salad! I haven’t eaten that in a long time!” She said out loud to herself. She quickly gathered up a bunch of the pokeweed and brought it into the megamobile.

“What in the hell you got there?” Asked Goblin.

“It’s Polk salad and I’m gonna cook it later. This takes me back. My aunt used to cook this all the time!” Spider said cheerfully.

“Oh I know what that is. Ya gotta boil the shit out of it and put some bacon innit, and don’t even think about draining the bacon grease!”
Said Tater.

“I like to put hot sauce all over mine.” Spider said as she took her cigarette box out of her utility belt.

Spider stood outside the mobile to get her smoke break. She heard a ruckus nearby as well as screaming and hollering.

“What in the hell is going on over there?” She thought.

Tater jumped down from the mobile and said “I saw what’s goin’ on from the top, looks to be Flash’s gang.”

“Is that right?” Spider took a long drag from her cigarette and made her way off the dirt road and into the field where the action was happening, but Tater grabbed her arm. Spider swung around and arched her eyebrow.

“Maybe don’t get involved in this one, Spider. It’s not our problem, and I don’t want trouble from them.” Tater pleaded with her.

“I’m just lookin’.” Spider said and jerked her arm out of Tater’s grasp.

“Goddamnit!” Tater spat and stood there, anxiously grinding his boots into the ground.

Spider continued on her walk and into the clearing in the field, which was full of old run down and rusted carnival rides. She saw Flash, and about fifteen of his buddies. Some on dirt bikes, some in jeeps. They surrounded a family standing in front of their mega mobile. A middle aged woman at the front of the group was pleading with them.

“We’ve paid off the loan in full but you keep raising the interest every two weeks! We just can’t keep up with the payments when you do that. I’m sorry but we have nothing for you right now. If you wait a month we will have a payment ready.”

“I don’t give a fuck. My patience has run dry. You know the conditions. We’re collecting our mobile, so move out of the way or I’ll paint the ground with your shit-for-brains ya dusty bitch.” Said Flash.

Flash had a Winchester SXP black shadow pump action 12 gauge shot gun in hand, camo cargo pants, wife beater tank top with a bullet proof vest over it, and a rat tail mullet.

Spider of course, is going to get involved. She stomped out her cigarette butt and jumped onto the skeleton of a ferris wheel.

“Well hello Flash!” Spider announced as she jumped from the ferris wheel to the ground, getting in between the gang and the family.

“Fuck off, Spider.” Sneered Flash.

“Ah don’t think I will.” She said flatly, shaking her head with a smug smile, her hands resting on her hips.

“They made a contract with us. They owe us, and we’re coming to collect what is ours. So if you don’t get goin’ we’ll blast ya to kingdom come.” Flash said as he cocked his shotgun and tightened his grip on it.

The other men surrounding Spider pointed their shotguns at her. She held her hands up in surrender.

Spider chuckled “Damn. What are y’all so afraid for? I was just goin’ for a walk.”

“So keep on walkin’.” Said Flash, he pointed his shotgun at Spider.

One of the gang members sitting on his dirt bike whispered to the other “I can’t wait to see how she’s gonna get herself out of this one.”

“If you’re gonna point them guns at me, then let the family behind me go back into their mobile while we sort this out huh?” Spider motioned for the people behind her to go in, and they quickly did.

Spider then said “Before we dance, I’m gonna take a swig out of my flask.” She pointed at the pouch on her utility belt.

Flash’s silence was his permission, so she casually took her flask out of her utility belt and screwed the cap open. As she did, she quickly shot out a web at Flash’s shotgun and it flew out of his hands. She crushed and bent the muzzle of the shotgun with one hand while taking a sip from her flask with the other hand and then threw it. In that moment, the other men fired their shotguns and Spider quickly swept Flash off his feet with her leg and held him up in the air to use his body as a shield, letting her flask drop to the ground in the process.

It happened so quickly the men shouted at one another “Stop fuckin’ shooting!”

When the bullets stopped she drop-kicked Flash into a group of five men and shot web out to plug up their shotguns. She hurriedly yanked one man off his dirtbike and threw the dirtbike into another group of men to her left. She ran to them as they were distracted by the bike, crushed their shotguns and ducked n’ rolled behind an empty jeep to shield herself from the bullets of the group further down back. Spider got a quick look out from behind at the remaining guys and thought up a plan as bullets pummeled the jeep again.

She shot a line of web at the closest man and yanked him towards her, he hit the jeep and was immediately knocked out. She used the jeep as leverage and jumped high up into the air, sailing over the remaining four men and shot webs to plug up their guns and to cover their eyes, all in a few seconds. This is one of the advantages of that radioactive spider bite, that keen ability to react quickly and efficiently.

Spider landed on the ground and took a moment to get her bearings as Flash’s gang recovered from her onslaught.

“Stop right there!” A loud booming voice from the back echoed. Everyone froze.

Rising up from a lawn chair was a big-ass woman named Roughhouse. She was the true leader of the gang. Flash was just her messenger boy. People often spoke of Roughhouse having the blood of the giants who once lived in North America thousands of years ago. Some of the dead giveaways being her red hair, six fingers on each hand, and the most obvious, her size.

Roughhouse wasn’t just cornfed, she was a damn beef cake, a moose, if you will. She was also mean as she is big. Roughhouse had long red hair tied back in a ponytail, a leather vest, denim jeans, and scars up and down her muscular arms.

She chugged her beer bottle and let it drop to the ground, and then she put her cigar out on her tongue.

“I tell you wot.” She started, hocking a big ass loogie to the ground, “If you can kick my ass, little girly, I’ll leave the poor stupid family alone. And if you can’t…well, I won’t kill you this time but I’ll make sure you won’t get involved in our business ever again.”

She tilted her neck to the side until it cracked. “Sound fair?”

“You’re on.” Smiled Spider. She warmed up her shoulders by stretching them and rolling them some. Her belly tickled in anticipation, she felt so excited to engage a more challenging opponent.

“But! Ya gotta lose the webs. We settle this with our fists.” Roughhouse said.

“Even better!” Spider’s eyes widened as she made a toothy smile, and took off her web shooters, setting them on the ground.

Roughhouse steadied herself, held her fists in the air and said “C’mon c’mon!”

She walked closer and closer to Spider. Spider stood still, hands at her sides, smiling. Roughhouse swung her giant fists at her. Spider quickly dodged them as she backed up. Roughhouse swung her knee up, attempting to hit Spider in the chest and as Spider dodged the knee, Roughhouse quickly grabbed her and threw her into the ground. While Spider was dazed, Roughhouse picked her up by her neck, tightening her grip around her throat. Spider wrapped her leg around Roughhouse’s arm and used her foot to twist her elbow. Roughhouse let go and Spider fell to the ground then did a few somersaults to make some distance and stood back up while catching her breath.

Roughhouse ran at Spider and attempted to punch her. Spider grabbed Roughhouse’s arm and swung her to the ground. Roughhouse quickly recovered and swung her leg in an attempt to kick Spider in the head. Spider blocked the kick, holding on to her leg and spun her around and let go.

Roughhouse flew into the rusted and brittle tilt-a-whirl ride, bending the metal guard rails when her body slammed into them. She got back up, let out a huff, and ripped a car up from the platform and threw it at Spider. Spider jumped up into the air to dodge the car, and while that happened Roughhouse threw another car at her. Spider dodged that one as well.

“Hey! What happened to settling this with fists only?” Spider quipped.

“Eh, I lied about that.” Roughhouse said nonchalantly as she ripped another car out of the tilt-a-whirl and threw it at her.

“Well, damn.” Spider said as she dodged the flying car.

Spider got a running start and jumped onto the guard rail of the tilt-a-whirl and flipped onto the platform as she dodged another swinging fist from Roughhouse.

They squared up some more as Spider walked up to her, fists held up. Spider attempts to swing at her, the punch is blocked by Roughhouse. Spider gets the next punch blocked again, and uses the distraction to hit Roughhouse in the jaw with her other fist. Roughhouse tries to punch Spider only to have her fist blocked as Spider holds her open palm in front of Roughhouse’s face and uses her other hand to land a blow in her nose.

“I need to end this, I got places to be!” Spider thought to herself.

Roughhouse tries to kick Spider in the gut, and Spider avoids the kick as she crouches down and lands a blow on the back of Roughhouse’s knee, causing her to fall over. Spider puts her knee on the back of Roughhouse’s head to keep her down, then she quickly grabbed her hair and repeatedly slammed her head into the metal floor.

When she figured Roughhouse was disoriented enough, she grabbed both legs and swung her ‘round and she flew a good distance, landing on the ground.

Spider looked for her web shooters, only to see one of Roughhouse’s men was trying to put them on.

“Give ‘em here, dumbass.” She motioned to him.

He shook his head with a smile and tried to shoot a web at her. Spider rolled her eyes, avoided the webs, and swept him off his feet.

She put her web shooters back on and saw that Roughhouse stood back up, blood ran down her nose and some out her mouth, she seemed quite dazed.

“Pretty fun fight I’d say!” Spider yelled with a smug grin.

Roughhouse glared at her, but had a small smile in the corner of her lip. “Let’s head out, we’re done here.” She yelled at her men.

As they cleared out, Spider stayed with the family and saw them off to make sure Flash, his friends and their boss didn’t come back to harass them.

“Ever the bleeding heart, you are.” Tater said as Spider walked back to the megamobile.

“Well, you know I can’t just sit back and do nothing.” She said as she climbed up the steps and into the mobile.

Chapter Text

They drove on east, past the town of Sweetgrass n’ further. It was evening. The summer sun still up in the sky with a good humid heatwave beating down on this part of the Earth. The group finally made it to Tater’s hideout. He took a map out of the glove box to make sure they didn’t run over any booby traps as they drove over uneven, grassy terrain to the cabin. As soon as they reached the dirt driveway, they all hopped out of the mega mobile to stretch their legs.

“You drank up our last bottle of travelin’ whiskey Spider so now you get to clean the Jersey Devil guts off the windows and off the front of the mega mobile.” Tater said as he handed her a bucket of soap water and a rag.

Spider watched a slimy eyeball slide off the window shield and plop onto the ground.

“Damn.” She said, and took out a flask from the back pocket of her utility belt.

“Wait! I thought you left your flask behind when you got into that fight?” Tater pointed at her flask.

“Don’t be silly, I always got a spare hahaha.” Cackled Spider.

Tater took the flask out of her hand and chugged it all up.

“Hey! I was gonna drink that!”

“Get to cleanin’” Tater said as he dropped the flask and walked away.

Spider stuck her tongue out at him and sighed as she looked at the grimy, gooey Jersey Devil guts hanging off the mega mobile, then she started cleaning.
—————————————————————————

When they settled in and made sure Tater’s crops and his whiskey barrels n’ moonshine stills were fine, they invited the neighbors over for a bonfire.

“Look at you swinging all nimbly bimbly from tree ta tree!” Shouted Spider, she waved hi to Squirrel Girl who smiled back, her buck teeth stickin’ out.

Doreen Green was known as the crazy squirrel girl. She can speak squirrel, has a squirrel tail, n a furry vest with fur leggings. Her auburn hair was cut short, it reached her cheekbones. She has whispy fluffy bangs that fluttered about. Her squirrels keep an eye on things ‘ round these parts and report their findings to Doreen regularly.

Squirrel Girl was jumping and climbing all up in the trees, her tail twitching. The tree branches shook as her squirrel army kept up with her. Doreen’s main squirrel, Tippy Toe, had a little bullet proof vest on and a small sheathed hunting knife strapped to his back.

“Have y’all been holding up well since the last time we hung out?” Goblin asked.

“Oh you know, things have been calm so far. We’ve had a few skirmishes here n’ there but overall it’s been good.” Said Doreen as she swung her legs while sitting on the thick branch of an oak tree, her squirrels on either side of her shoulders.

The other neighbor came driving up on a four wheeler, his name is Farmer Fran.
Farmer Fran was in his fifties. He wore denim overalls, with one side unbuttoned, a long sleeved button up shirt underneath, and a straw hat with wiry n hairy mutton chops. He always carried around his wooden pipe. His Cajun accent is so thick ain’t many people can understand a damn thing he says.

“Howdy Farmer Fran!” Spider yelled. Doreen waved at Farmer Fran with Spider.

“Hallo there girls!” He waved back.

Farmer Fran got off his four wheeler and walked up to Tater, who was turning the chicken wings with his long wooden handled fork over on the smoker next to the cabin.

Tater wore light brown colored overalls with his hiking boots and his fishing hat with a neck flap. Sweat beaded up on his muscular shoulders and arms.

“Ghat dam boy, if you cleaned up a bit you could go on dates hahaha.” he said to Tater, as he slapped him on the shoulder and let out a chuckle.

Tater snickered then asked “Whatever happened to that dude who lived in the camper a mile south of ya?”

“He keeled ovah, had anotha hart ‘ttack n’ it deed ‘em in.” Farmer Fred mumbled as he stuffed his pipe with some tobacco.

“Dang, that’s a shame.” Said Tater.

Farmer Fran shrugged and said “Welp, we liv ta fight anotha’ day.”

“Yep.” Nodded Goblin.

Everyone gathered ‘round the bonfire, all sitting in lawn chairs or standing. After some beers, Spider n Goblin got out a banjo and a simple acoustic guitar and started playing some songs.

They had pickled jalapeño eggs and boiled peanuts brought by Farmer Fran, Spider made her Polk Salad, Tater made his smoked chicken wings, and Doreen brought sweet acorn bread with homemade butter.

“You be eatin’ dem wings like a dam yankee, dere’s still more good bits left.” He pointed at Spider’s plate, then he motioned to Goblin’s plate “Now look dere, dat’s how ya eat shiken wings, he picked ‘em clean. Dat’s why we call ya Goblin! Hahaha!” Farmer Fran let out a hearty laugh.

Spider smiled and replied “I can’t bring myself to eat the cartilage, I don’t like how it feels against my teeth.”

“Heyyyy!!!” Yelled Goblin, he pointed at the figure emerging from the brush.

The figure was about 7’4 tall, and covered head to toe with matted burgundy and brown fur, some of which had a layer of moss growing on top. He gave a warm smile, his big yellow teeth had bits of green in between ‘em. His squashed lookin’ nose and the wrinkly palms of his hands and feet seemed to be the only areas with no fur.

He yelled a response in a garbled, gurgling deep voice “GRAhhaaa!”

“I knew I smelt somethin’ terrible!” Tater said as he waved his hand under his nose. “How’s it goin’ Johnny Chimpo!?”

“NYAhhhhgf!” Johnny Chimpo jumped up and down as he flapped his long hairy arms.

Johnny Chimpo is the name the trio gave to Sasquatch, who watches over these parts of the woods. Johnny Chimpo seems to be the very definition of swamp ass, one could smell him miles away before they’d ever see him. He may stink to high heaven, but boy does he have a heart of gold.

“It’s good to see ya Johnny! But where’s the shotgun we gave you?” Asked Spider.

“UGHuOOoo?” Johnny Chimpo shrugged his shoulders.

“Aw man he already lost it!” Goblin said as he slapped his knee.

“Might be for the best. Don’t ya’ll remember we had to duck for cover every time he fired it off in our direction?” Tater asked.

“Yeah he almost shot me!” Doreen yelled.

“He ran out of ammo pretty quickly though.” Goblin said.

“Well don’t just stand there, big fella! Sit your ass on next to us!” Spider slapped the seat of the lawn chair next to her.

“Guhh!” Grunted Johnny Chimpo.

He sat down in the lawn chair, his big hairy butt covered the entire seat of the chair and then some. They talked around the bonfire some more and made Sasquatch a plate of food.

To end the night with a good high, they broke out the dab rig and loaded it up with some of Tater’s homemade wax. Passing it around in a circle, they started taking hits off it.

Doreen let out a cough “This is really good! Any of y’all got some water?”

Goblin handed her a canteen.

They passed the bong to Farmer Fran, he waved it away and said “Naw naw, Ah too owld for dat sheeit.” He held up his wood tobacco pipe and added “Ahm fine wit jus’ this.”

Tater showed Johnny Chimpo how to use the rig.

HhEeaahhhpp!” Johnny Chimpo said as he coughed up some smoke, his eyes all red and watery.

Tater, Spider, and Goblin all shared looks and cracked up.

Johnny grinned as he fired up the butane torch to take another hit, but something went wrong in the process and the fire from the torch got on his furry arm and spread up to his elbow real quick.

He immediately shot up, screaming and waving his arm around, running in circles. “YAOwwwaahhh!!”

“Put eet owt in da pond watuh out ova there! Farmer Fran shouted at Sasquatch, pointing past the cabin.

Johnny Chimpo didn’t really hear Farmer Fran, he instead ran off into the forest, the volume of his yelling decreased as he ran further.

“I guess he’s ok?” Goblin asked aloud.

“Eh. He’ll be fiiiine.” Spider shrugged her shoulders.

Farmer Fran drove back to his place when night came. Doreen passed out in the trees with her squirrels near the cabin. Spider slept on a blanket next to the ashy pile of sticks and wood that was the bonfire. Goblin was laying in a hammock strung up between two trees, and Tater slept in his cabin.

Chapter Text

The sun began to rise the next morning, glistening dewdrops coated the grass as grasshoppers munched on 'em. The katydids n' songbirds chirped n' sang to welcome that beautiful egg yolk in the sky. The group was barely comin' to when Tater started rantin' and ravin'.

"Fuck! I forgot coffee! We were just in Lost Vegas and the one thing I value more than mah moonshine is muh ghat dang bean water! I cannot function if i do not get my caffeine, by god I will cause the second apocalypse!!"

Spider groggily yawned n' stretched her arms. Her mouth was cottony-dry as she smacked her lips. She stumbled on over to the front door of the cabin, which was ajar, and said "I can't stand ya when yer grouchy."

"So go out to the trading post n' get me mah coffee, woman!" he spat.

"Don't gotta tell me twice, whiny-ass." She smiled.

Tater loaded up a fifty pack of freshly sealed mason jars full of pineapple moonshine and about ten ounces of indica bud sealed into mylar bags in the storage compartment of the jeep. "Take this to JC down at the trading post 'cross from Rovi's cattle ranch. Y'know its about eight miles west o' here, just stick to the dirt road n' you should be able to get there." He explained.

"Ahm comin' with!" Doreen sang as she hopped into the passenger side of the jeep with Tippy-Toe clinging to her shoulder.

"While ya'll do that, Gobby n' I are going to check on the wheat crop." Tater said as he laced his boots.

The bumpy ride to the trading post helped the girls wake up some more while the rising sun rays beat down on 'em. Spider smoked her morning cig while Doreen packed some chewin' tobacco into her cheek n' hocked loogies out the side like the classy squirrel woman she is. They came to a rollin' stop as they pulled up at the steel compound, the driveway composed of gravel and some ATV's n' tractors were parked up front. They hopped out the jeep n' got the goods out the storage compartment. Spider put her cigarette out on the heel of her boot. She and Doreen walked into the building. Within was a small group of the locals and JC who was behind the counter.

He saw them coming in and smiled saying "Well lookie there, it's the Spider and the Squirrel. How've y'all been?"

"Livin' life n' kickin' some ass!" Spider responded.

"Ooohhh he made the pineapple moonshine! My regulars have been askin' for it, so it was good timing" His eyes smiled.

They made the trade and got Tater's coffee beans, which was sealed into plastic tubs and they loaded them up.

Suddenly, a burst of them vivid warm colors and the spirals manifested near the jeep, and out hopped Ben Reilly in his spider uniform.

"Shit-fire!" Doreen jumped back and yelled, Tippy Toe puffed up his tail and screeched with her. When Ben walked out, she squinted her eyes at him and said in an irate tone "Wait. You ain't no dog-man, you'se some kinda pro-wrestler?"

"Well I'll be a sumbitch!" Spider smiled widely. She walked to him on her tip toes practically and wrapped his hand around hers, giving him a side hug and patting him on the back.
"Whasssuppp Himbo Slice? How's it hangin'?"

"I'm coping with my past as usual. The memories all collide together as I try to figure out if I'm Ben or Peter."

Spider nodded her head.

"Wait, this who you've been talking about, one of the spider peeps from the other realms?" Doreen asked.

"Yess'm." Spider replied. "So what brings ya to our neck of the woods, Himbo?"

Ben produced a flask from his pocket and handed it to Spider. "I was just asked to give you this back."

"Odd. Ya'll coulda just tossed it." She put a hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow.

"My boss wanted you to keep it." he replied.

"Ok then." Spider chuckled. "He's such a weirdo." she added.

Himbo Slice pulled at his mask and said "I'm sweating so bad right now, I don't care what I was told about protocol."
He ripped the mask off, his blonde hair fell in front of his sparkling eyes.

Doreen smiled, looking at him closely and said "Dayum. You sure do got a perdy mouth boy!"

"Don't startle him too much or he might tinkle." Spider quipped.

Ben ignored Doreen's attempt at flirting and awkwardly rubbed his muscly arm, "Sooo...uhhh.." he trailed off.

Spider stared at him and said "Uhh what?" mockingly. "Spit it out boy."

He looked at the ground and said "You have any more blunts?"

Spider smiled and said "Well ya know I do boy!" She looked at Doreen and raised her eyebrows up n' down.
"But first, there's something you gotta do for us."

"What would that be?" he asked, his brows turned to an inverted V as he grew worried.

Spider, Doreen, and Ben walked over to a very steep, grassy hill located behind the trading post. Spider lit up a cigarette and said. "We need a fresh set of eyes for our tradition, Himbo Slice." She pointed at two giant tires, that probably belonged to a big ass monster truck at some point.
"Me n' Doreen race each other down this hill from time to time, but we need a judge, best outta six wins." As Spider explained the tradition, the locals from the trading post walked out and joined them.

"Aw hell! They gonna do it again!" yelled Honey Jo, a gnarly lookin woman who lived deep in the woods and concocted herb tonics to sell.

"How many times you gon' do this Spider? Ya lose every time!" yelled Nashoba, a choctaw dude who owned about fifty head of cattle at his ranch located a bit south of the trading post.

"Quittin's fer losers!" Spider spat back.

"Ooohoooo this I gotta see." whistled Rovi, the fourty-something cattle rancher that lived nearby.

Nashoba noticed Ben and looked at his muscles, he said "Ghat damn boi! What did your mother feed you when you was little? Steak n' roids?"

"I earned my well defined musculature through trial and tribulation." Ben replied in a gritty voice.

"Hah! Good job!" laughed Nashoba.

The girls readied themselves in the tires as Nashoba and Rovi held the tires steady at the edge of the hill. At Ben's count of three, they let the tires go and they rolled down the hill. Every time, Doreen was able to make it the furthest down the hill, much to Spider's frustration. Spider stumbled around a bit disoriented and bruised up when she crawled out of the tire. "You're an overachiever, Doreen!" she groaned.

Ben said "I want to try it out." He got inside one of the tires and Doreen got in the other.
Before the tires were let loose, he yelled "I am all that is man!" and then at Spider's count Nashoba and Rovi released the tires again.

Doreen still won. She hopped out of the tire, fists raised victoriously in the air as she yelled "They don't call me the unbeatable squirrel girl fer nuthin'!"

After that, they all stood round the hill and started jabbering.

"So who you kin' to muscle man? You don't look like you're from 'round here." asked Rovi.

"Thats cuz he aint." said Spider, as she rubbed her bruised arms.

"Then where ya from?" asked Nashoba.

"I was told to not say because it's classified." He said, pursing his lips.

"He aint from this world is what he means." Spider replied flatly.

"Ah believe it, he too pretty for this world." observed Honey Jo, she twirled her dread locks around her fingers.

Spider lit a fat blunt, taking a puff and passing it around the group.

"Them cannibals from under the ground are back. They come out in the night tryin' to molest mah longhorns and throw rocks at mah winders." Rovi coughed up.

"Same here brother! I caught one of 'em a humpin' on my holstein cow Bessie. Poor girl's had a nervous temperament ever since." Piped up Nashoba.

"A dog-man came outta tree portal n' took my wife." Honey Jo said in a raspy voice, wiping tears out of her eyes.

"My squirrels have been telling me about the dog-men! Comin' from the portals and underground tunnels. I know some still don't believe us tho." said Doreen.

"Oh I do believe ya. There's all kinds of shit in them tunnels." said Spider.

Ben poked Spider on the arm and said "I need to go before the boss notices I've been gone a while. Can I get my blunts?"

Spider nodded and gave Ben a pack of ten blunts. "I had no idea i'd become an inter-dimensional drug dealer. Don't you have the devil's lettuce in your own world? Why don't you just find a dealer over there?" she asked.

"Oh. I didn't think of that." Ben chuckled nervously.

"Also, now that I remember. If people glitch when they go to other Earth's then do inanimate objects do the same? Cuz I gave ya blunts last time, do ya remember them glitching?" asked Spider.

"I don't really know. Might help that I smoked up the other blunts within a week."

"Ah. Maybe they didn't have time to decay. Hahaha, you're a fuckin' stoner." Spider lightly pushed him, she was thoroughly amused.

Spider's eyes widened as she realized this is her opportunity to pass on a message.
"Hey. When you go back to your Spider cult, can ya tell Cornfed that I ain't who he thinks I am."

"Uhh. ok?" Ben said, cocking his head to the side.

"I know that moron tried ta DNA test me when he was staging that stupid intervention. Tell 'em the answer to his question can be found in an abandoned airport out northwest."

"I will remember that." Ben replied as he opened up a portal, and hopped back in.

"There he goes." Doreen said, with a sad look on her face. "The one that got away."

Chapter Text

Doreen stood in front of an oak tree. She fidgeted with her hands and pointed one of her toes. Her fuzzy tail swayed back and forth. She gazed into the bark of the tree with a sultry look on her face, buckteeth sticking out and half lidded eyes. She said in a low breath,
“I had a really good time on our date last night, Ben. I wore this kiwi lime lip gloss just for you.”

She leaned in closer to the tree, whispering
“You like it? Huh?”
She glided her hand down the rough bark and giggled. She smiled and said breathily “Shut up! Shut up! You shut up! Because you’re sexy..” she rubbed the bark with her index finger, then went “Sshhhhh ssshhhh! I’ll spank you-you wanna be spanked? I’ll spank your booty! I’ll spank it-I’ll spank it! Shh! Ssh! Sshh! Shhh!”

Doreen proceeded to grab the trunk of the tree with both hands and aggressively kiss it, her lips leaving a slobbery trail as she licked the bark. She shuddered, and moaned “Oooh Ben. Ooh Ben! Ooohhhh my body!”

Spider stood behind her, watching in horror, her mouth agape. She swallowed and then said,
“Doreen. What the fuck are you doing?”

Doreen jumped and turned around, her mouth slightly open, and eyes wandering. She awkwardly wiped the slobber off her mouth and said
“Uhhhh sorry…sorry….I was just-just doing my practice to uhh save the rainforest?”
She looked at Spider and smiled guiltily.

Spider’s brows turned up in concern, she put her hands on her hips and said “Looks like you’re tryna get freaky with the tree. Whatever girl, do your thing.” Spider waved her off and walked away, saying “It’s a free country n’ all since there ain’t no country.”

Tippy-Toe was sitting on one of the branches of the oak tree. He covered his eyes with one of his paws and proceeded to hurl acorns at Doreen’s head with his other paw.

“Ow! Hey!! Tippy-Toe that’s rude!” Doreen whined as she covered her head with her arms to shield herself from the hailing acorns.

Tippy Toe squeaked at her in a reprimanding tone, his black eyes glaring. “Chrrtt-chirrrttt-chrrrrr!!”

“Well a girl can dream!” Doreen glared at him and balled up her fists, walking away.
—————————————————————

It was the afternoon, and the crickets, birds, n katydids were still chirping away. Spider was taking a dip in the creek. Goblin was working on more of his grenade prototypes in the shed. Tater was sitting on top of his desk in the cabin while he sipped on a cup of freshly brewed black coffee. He was operating his ham radio, and talking to his buddies across the country. They were all reporting their latest findings. His buddy BJ, who lived about twenty miles away, updated him on his business.

“So I think this’n right up y’all’s alley. Tater, while my kid was up in the deer stand keepin’ a watch on the property, he told me he saw some cantankerous fellow with buncha fur round his neck and a vest that’s also a lion’s face. He’s armed with knives and a damn spear.”

“That don’t sound too odd, maybe he’s just hunting?”

“Well, get this. He took a video and showed it ta me. I never seen nuthin’ like it. He was having what I can only describe as a technological seizure.”

“Oh?”

“All these colors were flashing n’ he got all distorted lookin. Musta hurt cuz he was gritting his teeth.”

“Shit. If I were you, I’d stay the hell away from him for the time being. This sounds like a job for our friendly, whiskey lovin’ Spider.” Tater said. He took his walkie talkie out and called for Spider.

“Spiiiiderrr! When you’re done washing your stank ass, we got a situation here!”

Spider heard the walkie talkie and got out of the creek, drying herself off with a towel and putting her outfit back on, which was her neon green cropped tank top with a webbed pattern overlaying it, and her green webbed pattern leggings, combat boots, utility belt and web shooters.

Spider made her way over to the cabin, and Goblin joined up with them.
“Seems like an amonalee’s got drop-kicked into BJ’s woods.” Said Tater.

“Let’s go give him a warm welcome.” Spider said, hopping into the jeep.

“Goblin, bring your explosives in case the dude gets testy.” Tater said as he started the jeep.

“Shoot yeah!” He exclaimed, loading up his back pack full of grenades.

The trio drove quickly over the bumpy dirt road, they drove well into BJ’s property, the tires of their jeep kicking up a cloud of dirt, which trailed behind it. They searched the area for the anomaly, and they spotted him. He was scraping his boot across the grass to get the cow crap he stepped in off his foot.

“Ah think that’s him!” Goblin pointed.

Tater stepped on the break and the jeep screeched to a stop.

Spider stood up in her seat and yelled at the man “HEEEYYY!! What’s yer naaame!?!”

He glared at them, gripping his spear and said “I am Kraven!

Tater chuckled and said “Kraven? Kraven deez nutz! HAH!”

Spider glared at Tater and said “Ok that was stupid, and you know it.”

“Whatever! You’re just mad you didn’t say it first!”

Kraven sneered at them and said “What a juvenile thing to say. I wouldn’t even deem any of you notable enough to spar with.”

“Mkay, well I think yer one of them amonalees buddy!l Spider yelled at him.

“I don’t know what that is.” He replied flatly.

“Y’ain’t no kin ta this mess!” Goblin shouted.

“I…still don’t understand.” Kraven’s face contorted into confusion.

Spider hopped out of the jeep and walked up to Kraven, she looked at him and said “You’re in the wrong world, dude!”

“Okay, that I understood.” He replied

Spider remembered the last time they faced off with an anomaly and she looked at Tater and Goblin and asked,
“Hey, wait! Did any of us drop acid or eat mushrooms today?”

“Not that I remember” said Goblin.

“Nooope.” Tater added.

“Welllll..” Spider put her hands on her hips and looked at the ground, then smacked her lips and said “I gotta make sure I’m not trippin’”

She looked at Kraven and ordered
“Hey Kraven, punch me in the face.”

“What the hell?” He said in a bewildered tone.

“Last time one y’all amonalees came here it turned out it was an actual rhino and not a big ole man dressed as one so I gotta make sure I’m not on shrooms or acid this time.”

Kraven shook his head “I have no idea what the hell you’ve just said.”

“Dude just punch me in the face! I gotta make sure you’re real this time.” She held her arms out and walked closer to him.

“How is that going to help? It doesn’t make any sense!” Kraven said as he glared at her.

Spider pointed at her face and said “C’mon punch me in the face. C’mon dude just punch me in the fuckin’ face!”

Kraven set his spear down and said “I don’t want to. I think it’s a trick”

“JUST DO IT!!!” Spider yelled at the top of lungs, some of her spit landed on Kraven’s face, so he satisfied her request and landed a blow on her jaw.

WHAM! Went his fist.

Spider’s head shook with a jolt and she wiped trickling blood away from her busted lip. She laughed, slightly swaying, and exclaimed,
“Hahah! You’re real!!! Ohohohoho! We gon have fun today!!”
She hocked a bloody loogie to the ground and said
“Mah names Spider, this n’ here’s Goblin and Tater” she thumbed at them.

“Hey” waved Tater.

“‘Sup buddy” Goblin nodded his head.

Kraven’s eyes widened a bit as he made the connection and said “Spider-Man is my greatest adversary.”

“Yep. Sounds ‘bout right. I am the only spider ‘round these these parts.” Spider smiled, wiping her hands on her green leggings.

“You…don’t look anything like Spider-Man.” Kraven said.

“Y’know u ain’t in yer universe right?” Tater said.

“Yes, I get that. But you still don’t act or look like spider man, at all.” Kraven said.

“Well, I’m my own brand of spider man, or woman or whatever ya wanna call me” Spider said proudly.

“Is that right? You’re clearly a female” Kraven observed.

Spider grinned wide and said “Oh my god…ok hahaha”

“What is so funny?” Kraven glared at her again.

“You said female! Who says that nowadays? It’s like you’re reading out of a dictionary or something.”

“You people have dictionaries?” Kraven’s eyebrow tilted in concern.

“Hey jus cuz we are the way we are don’t mean we can’t pick up a book and read it every now n’ then” said Tater.

“So at some point yer gonna git taken back to yer universe by some uhhh other spiders. Just so you know, hopefully before ya glitch out of existence or whatever.” Spider explained.

“I’ll find a way back home, but first I’m going to get a souvenir.” Kraven said with a growing smile, he grabbed his spear.

“Oh it’s on, buddy.” Spider rolled her shoulders and hopped side to side:

“I live for the thrill of the hunt.” Kraven said in a smooth, low voice.

“Ah live for the sweet smooth burn of whiskey.” Spider smiled as she cracked her knuckles.

While they were bantering, Goblin called Squirrel Girl on his walkie-talkie, saying “Doreen! Doreeen! Hey!! If yer done flickin’ your acorn to the thought of Himbo Slice, c’mon over here quick yer gonna wanna see this!”

“I didn’t do that!!” She replied.

“Spider told us about you gettin fresh with the tree! Don’t act dumb!” Smiled Goblin.

“Well fuck.” Doreen said defeatedly.
————————————————————

Doreen hopped through the trees with Tippy Toe and her squirrel army, she saw commotion in the field.

“Imma open up a 55 gallon drum of whoop ass on ya!” Spider yelled as she tried to round house kick Kraven, who ducked it and grabbed her leg, slamming her to the ground.

Tater whooped “Oooh he gotcha good!”

Spider rolled away to dodge Kraven’s spear and jumped up saying “Yain’t helping Tater!”

“I’m just callin’ it as I see it!” He yelled.

Kraven glitched, and Spider took the opportunity to bind him in her webs and tied the end of the web to the hitch of the jeep.

“Step on it, Tater!” Spider ordered as she jumped into the passenger side of the jeep.

Tater drove around in circles, dragging Kraven through a patch of mud in the field, the brown sludge flinging everywhere as it coated the jeep and Kraven in the muddy goop. All three yelled “Yeeee-yeeeee!!!!”

Kraven slipped one of his hands out of the binding and produced a hunting knife, sharp enough to cut through the web.
He cut himself free, rolling into the grass. He stood up, wiping the mud out of his eyes.

“You’re dead now, Spider-Woman!” He yelled through his gritty teeth.

Doreen pointed at Kraven and screeched “GIT EM!!! Squirrel army attaaaackk!!”
Her squirrels chittered with her and they ran towards Kraven. He was overwhelmed with a swarm of angry squirrels that bit and scratched at him, he guarded his face with his bulky arms to keep them away from his eyes as he fell over.

Spider bound Kraven even tighter in her webs, and her friends stood around him as he lay on the ground.

Goblin chuckled at him and said “Yer outta yer element, Buddy!”

“You’ve only won this fight because of those damn squirrels.” He groaned.

Spider lit up a cigarette and crouched down to make eye contact with Kraven, she blew out a puff of smoke and said “Look here dude, you got two choices. You can either keep fightin’ us, or you can get fuckin’ trashed with us till the dip-wads in tights come get ya.”

Kraven sneered at her and said “Why would I even associate myself with trash like you and your friends?”

Spider chuckled lightly, “Well, if you want to make yourself more miserable, be my guest. I’ll offer ya one more time. Fight with us or party with us.”

Kraven’s face dropped and he deeply pondered what Spider offered him.

“So what’ll it be?” She took another drag off her cigarette.

———————————————————————

Tater walkie’d and radio’d a lot of the neighbors and invited them to a beer keg party, their guest of honor being Kraven, who accepted his situation. They set up a stage to play live music and some of the neighbors hung up a banner that said “Welkum Amonalee”.
Kraven saw the banner and shook his head, sighing.

The incoming neighbors rode in on their atv’s, dirt bikes, jeeps, and Mega Mobiles. Goblin sat on the stage and welcomed them.
“Hey Honey Jo, good to see ya, sorry about the wife. Hey there, Ignacio and Alma! Welcome Kiesomah, Nashoba, BJ, and Jim Bob. Long time no see! Welcome to the party! Leroy, Rovi, Tammy-Lynn, Billie, Leandra, Marcelo…”

Spider and her friends kicked off the party with a song. She strummed her electric guitar, and did the vocals, Tater did the drums, and Goblin played the bass.

They sang:
“Have sex (yeah!)
With every female of the species you see
The end is near (yeah!)
So don't you worry about the hiv
Get drunk (yeah!)
Till you puke all over the floor
We're gonna die tomorrow
So let's get hammered like never before
Yeah!
The clock is runnin' down, you see
You gotta do the things you wanna do
Bone your step-sister
Grab her by the horn
Find some horny cougars
And shoot some cougar porn, baby
Let's all party
Like tomorrow is the end of the world
Party freakin' hardy
Like tomorrow is the end of the world”

Every time Kraven glitched, everyone took a shot of whiskey. Kraven sat in a lawn chair drinking a beer while he watched the crowd splash around in a mud hole.

“Buncha fuckin’ animals.” He muttered under his breath, as he smirked.

Well into the party, an orange and multi colored portal opened up, and out came Spider-Man 2099, also known as Miguel O’ Hara.
He immediately webbed up Kraven, who was too surprised to do anything.

Spider yelled into the microphone “Well lookie there it’s the big man!”

The crowd froze and stared at Miguel.

“Well who the hell are ya’s and why ya takin’ our boy?!” Leroy asked, he then let out a burp.

“Is you one of them dog men or cow-humpin cannibals?” BJ spouted.

“I’m Spider-Man, and I’m here to take this anomaly back to their home.” He stated.

“Ehhh fuck you Spider-Man! We already got a spider, she’s fuggin’ amazing!” Marcelo said as he lit up a cigarette.

Miguel ignored them and proceeded to grab Kraven by his arm.

“Hey fuck you man! That’s our booty!” Yelled Nashoba, pointing at Kraven.

“Yeah! He’s fresh meat! We like him!!” Added Honey Jo.

“Why can’t our boy Kraven just stay here!? We cool with ‘em!” Kiesomah called out.

“Your whole dimension will collapse, you idiots! I’m doing you all a favor!!” Miguel stopped in his tracks his masked face looked bewildered.

“Heyyy!!! Tell Ben I said Hiii!!!” Doreen said to Miguel, waving.

Poor Miguel. If he thought Spider and her friends were unbearable, everybody else in this god-forsaken world was probably worse. He was in for it now, and his explanation about anomalies and dimensional collapse fell on deaf ears. There is simply no reasoning with a crowd of drunken mud-covered morons.

The crowd started booing him, and then began to chant
(To the tune of she’ll be coming round the mountain)
“You can shove that fucking portal up your asss!
You can shove that fucking portal up your aaasss!
You can take that goddamn portal
you can take that goddamn portal
You can take that goddamn portal n’ shove it up your assss!!”

“Ah think they’ve taken a liking to ya, Cornfed!” Spider yelled, with a wide smile.

“My name is not Cornfed!” Miguel spat.

“FUCK YOU CORNFED!!” People in the crowd hollered.

You have a nice ass, Cornfed!!” Alma shouted, she whooped and hollered at him. Miguel cringed, feeling disgusted. His hatred for this dimension growing ever more.

Jim Bob hurled a beer bottle at Miguel’s head, the dark brown glass shattered into many pieces, the brew trickled down his shoulders.

Miguel’s shoulders rose up and down as he breathed deeply, his masked face contorted into anger. He pointed at Jim-Bob and yelled
“Chinga tu madre, Cabron!”

“HEY! Don’t you bring my mother into this! She was a fuckin’ Saint!” Yelled Jim Bob

Alma cupped her mouth with both of her hands and yelled “Tu eres un cabron meirda!!!” at Miguel.

Miguel looked at Alma and replied “Cerra la puta boca!!”

Rovi added “Andá a cagar!!”

Miguel opened a portal and tossed a tied-up Kraven into it, he then turned around and gave everyone the middle finger while gesturing at his crotch with his other hand and yelled “Mamame la puta polla!!”

“Andate a la concha de tu madre!!” Marcelo howled at Miguel.

“Que te follen!!” Nashoba put in his shit talkin’.

“Chupamelo hijos de puta!!” Miguel hurled at them all while thrusting his hips, he then quickly turned around and walked into the portal, it collapsed.

When the portal collapsed there was a long silence amongst everyone.
Then Spider, Tater, and Goblin began to laugh. Everyone else followed suit and started laughing as well. The whole mud pit was soon filled with roaring laughter.
Spider was curled up on the stage red in the face as she cackled.

Marcelo said “This is one of the best beer keg parties I’ve ever been to!” as he snickered.

“The big dude is funny as fuck!” Nashoba said as he lit up a blunt.

“We’ve got to do this again sometime!” Added Honey Jo.

Spider got back up and said to Tater and Goblin
“Hey guys, what if every time an anomaly comes here we just throw them a welcome party till the Spider-Twats come n take them away?”

“Shoot yeah!” Yelled Tater.

“Im down.” Said Goblin

Chapter Text

Meanwhile, up in the northwestern part of what was the US of A, was an abandoned, run down, airport. The parking garages were caved in. The runway was overgrown with grass and trees. The terminal building was mostly fine. It was ok. One could have some faith the ceilings won’t cave in for a few more years. Vegetation overgrew in the ticketing area, the large window panes had been busted out long ago. Raccoons, opossums, squirrels, wild cats, and many other critters made their homes behind the ticketing counters and all around. There’s less overgrown grass and plants the further into the building one went, due to the lack of sunlight able to reach through.

The second floor was the open lobby consisting of the food court, security checkpoint and three sky bridges leading to their concourses. The food court had stairs leading to a smaller second level with more restaurants and booths lining either side, and a smaller sky bridge above that also connected to the concourses.

Three kids were up in the sky bridge above the food court.
One of them, a girl of about fifteen years of age, had brown hair tied back into a ponytail with long bangs that hung on either side of her face. She wore baggy denim jeans with large pockets and a yellow crop top and chunky yellow boots, with a brown leather backpack. She bit her bottom lip as she steadied herself atop the rusted metal railing of the bridge and peered at the floor below.

“Hey Kitty, betcha can’t shit yourself before ya phase through the ground.” said a second girl. Her head was shaved on both sides save for the black hair on top, which was styled into a loose french braid that tapered to the back. She had red paint smeared across her eyes, with multiple eyebrow piercings and a monroe piercing. She wore black fingerless gloves, a red and black hoodie, and tattered black shorts, with red high top sneakers. She sat next to her flipping the brass knuckle handles of a butterfly knife back and forth.

“Ohohohoh! This is just like when Morpheus doubted Neo.” Kitty laughed as she bent her knees while spreading her arms out to remain balanced.

“I don’t think Neo ever shit his pants tho.” said a boy, who had blue fuzzy skin and glowing yellow eyes. He had long curls of black hair that hung in front of his eyes paired with a high fade. He wore black denim skinny jeans, white sneakers, and a red jacket with a grey shirt underneath. He also had a long pointy blue tail that whipped back and forth. He was sorting through a pile of keychains he took from one of the run down gift shops.

“That’s because you didn’t get the movie, Kurt!” Kitty whined.

“Hey Kitty, can you make your turds phase through your body? Like instead of shitting, you just phase the poop through and it falls to the ground.” The second girl asked, still flipping her butterfly knife.

“No, you freak. I wouldn’t even try.” Kitty wore a disgusted look, then continued to concentrate on her balance.

“But think about it, you’d never have to wipe again!” The girl spouted.

“Shut the fuck up, Gabby!” Kitty yelled.

“Same thing for you Kurt, can you teleport your turds out your body?” Gabby stood up to look at him.

“Only you Gabby, can make a blue man blush. I don’t want to think about that!!” Kurt covered his mouth with his thumb and two fingers.

“Hey, watch this, I can hit my weed cart and my vape at the same time!” Gabby took her vapes out of her pocket and inhaled both, blowing the vapor out and immediately coughing. Her eyes turned red and she cleared her throat.
“See? It can be done” her voice cracking as she continued to hack.

Kurt busted out laughing, while Kitty replied,
“Oh my god! That’s great!” in a sarcastic tone.

“But check this out!” She blurted. “I’m gonna make the jump!”
Kitty proceeded to leap from the railing and phased smoothly into the ground below.
She surfaced a few minutes later and said “It’s totally wrecked down there! I think I saw a few tunnels but one of them is blocked.”

“Hopefully, nothing too bad has possibly made their home down there.” Kurt said.

“I’d hate to leave so soon. This place has been fun to stay in. Very roomy.” Gabby added.

Kurt began to finish up sorting through the pile of keychains. He tossed the last one to the ground and said “Still can’t find my name in any of them!”

Kurt teleported himself and Gabby down to the ground floor of the food court.

Kitty looked at a green and white sign in front of an empty coffee bar. Broken mugs and cracked plastic tumblers littered the floor.
“You guys ever wonder what a Starbucks is?”
She thumbed at the sign.

“It’s got a lady with a crown, maybe she was one of the presidents of the US of A?” Said Gabby

“I was told Starbucks was where twenty year-olds with debt went to jail. They had to spend their time grinding beans and getting yelled at by these creatures called Karens or something.” Kurt remarked.

“So weird.” Said Gabby.

They made their way past the food court and into the baggage claim area.

“Well, this part is cleaner. I can see the floor!” Kitty said.

Looking at the large metal conveyer belts, Kurt walked over and read the signs.
“Baggage claim? I guess people kept their bags here?”

“Maybe this spot was for storage. If these metal slides didn’t slant so much, I’d be more comfortable sleeping on them.” Gabby smacked the metal with her gloved hand, the sound reverberated and echoed throughout the room.

Kitty reminded Gabby, saying “Well, if we can yank the rest of the arm rests off the chairs upstairs, they’ll make better beds than these.”

“Yeah, that’s true, it will give us better leverage being high up, rather than getting trapped here, I suppose.” She replied.

A loud rumbling sound boomed it’s way throughout the airport, echoing off the roof of the baggage claim, as well as the humming of engines. The kids froze in place, silent for a few moments.

“Sounds like we have company.” Whispered Kitty.

“The van’s parked out outside terminal 3B.” Said Gabby.

“Who do you think it is?“ whispered Kurt.

“Not sure. But very few people are supposed to know we’re here.” Replied Gabby.

“You two stay here for a moment, I’m going to check out the bottom lobby and see if there’s anything there.” Kurt said, then teleported to the ticketing section.
He did so, and found there was a group of about four semi trucks parked out in front of the overgrown road that intersected in front of the building. He hid behind a vine covered counter and watched a dozen various bullet-proof vested people, armed with shotguns, leave the semi trucks, making their way into the lobby. He teleported back to baggage claim.

“We need to move. There’s a group that’s armed and I don’t think they’re coming over to ask for a cup of sugar.” He whispered to Kitty and Gabby.

“Check out the top too. I heard something coming from up there.” Said Kitty.

Kurt teleported to the top of the building, and saw only a small plane docked on one of the cracked landing strips, but didn’t see anyone leave the plane. He teleported back.

“There’s a plane on top, and I think it’s occupants could already be in the building.”

“How’re we gonna get to the van?” Asked Kitty

“I can summon some distractions to tide over the group downstairs.” Said Gabby.

“Ok, how quick can you do that?”

“Kurt can just teleport me down there, and I’ll take care of it.”

“Aight.” Nodded Kitty

Kurt teleported himself and Gabby behind the counter, and she took out a small sealed glass vial filled with a light blue powder. She held the glass in the palm of her hand and uttered a small, hushed prayer. Then she gently placed the vial on the mossy floor and crushed the vial under her foot while saying, “Three creatures to deceive, ‘till they disbelieve, or when we leave.”

The powder turned into a mist that flew out from under Gabby’s feet, it manifested into a fire breathing manticore, a unicorn that shot laser beams from its horn, and leather face from Texas chainsaw massacre, he held his chainsaw and immediately ran for the group, holding the chainsaw high above his head.
“Let’s go back now!” Ordered Gabby.

They teleported back to Kitty, and decided to chance it and teleport to terminal 3B, where their van was parked. They hopped into the van and Kitty started the engine, but they all three suddenly became disoriented and couldn’t sit up, waves of nausea rushed upon them like a
heavy handed slap. Kitty fought the nausea, hitting the gas pedal. The van took off, but the waves of nausea increased, causing her to swerve into a rusted guard rail. Thankfully, they weren’t going too fast, but the front end was caved in, with smoke rising up from the front. Kitty had smacked her head on the steering wheel, some blood dripped down her forehead, and she phased out of the front seat and went to the back.
Gabby said, while holding her head in the palms of her head, “Kurt, take us to that makeshift kitchen we worked on yesterday.”

She and Kitty held onto Kurt, and they teleported into an old restaurant within the second level of the food court. It had rotten wood floors, and behind the counter was the kitchen they cleaned out. The countertops and stove ranges being made out of steel were rusted, but functional.

They jumped behind the kitchen counter, and heard a male voice shout, “Kiiiiidss!! Come on out! We just want to talk to ya.”

The voice echoed throughout the foodcourt. Broken glass and porcelain crunched under his feet.

The man cocked his shotgun. They heard his walkie talkie go off, and he answered it. A woman’s voice came through the static, saying “I caught them getting away in the van, they crashed it, but they’re not in there anymore. Search thoroughly while I clear the upper floors.”

He replied “Got it. You’ll come down when you’re done?”

“Yes.” She replied.

He walkie’d another person, saying “How goes the search downstairs?”

“We’re being ambushed some by really strange critters, but I checked the out area with all the metal conveyers and didn’t find them.” Said another male voice.

“Alright, come here and help me comb through these rooms.” He requested.

Kitty phased Kurt and Gabby behind the counter, they were in the kitchen. They crouched down, hiding themselves in the shadows. “We might have to hide in the tunnels below, and deal with whatever could be down there.” Whispered Kitty.

“Or we could steal one of those semi trucks.” Said Gabby.

Kitty nodded in agreement.

“One of us should distract them.” Said Kurt.

“You got any more tricks up your sleeve, Gabs?” Kitty asked.

Gabby smirked and said, “I got all sorts of tricks stashed around here.”

“I think we should just bite the bullet and take them for a spin, then make our way down and take a semi.” said Kurt.

They agreed to their exit plan, and Kurt teleported Gabby and Kitty back to the sky bridge above the food court.

Gabby looked down at the man with the shotgun. He had stringy blonde hair tied back into a slick ponytail with a black akubra hat. He had a scraggly circle beard with a gold chain around his neck with a kangaroo shaped medallion. He wore a tanned leather vest with brown cargo pants. Worn over his pants was a mechanical exoskeleton covering his feet and legs, which helped him leap great distances and allowed him extra strength.

“Who the fuck is that?” Asked Kurt.

Gabby’s eyes narrowed. She glared at the man and said to Kurt, “This dipshit’s name is Kangaroo, his real name is Billy-Bob. He’s like, a bottom-tier mercenary for hire.”

Kangaroo pointed at Gabby and said “Hey! I take personal offense to that! You better be glad I’m only here to escort ya and not kill ya!”

Gabby laughed, but Kitty shook her shoulder and pointed down the end of the sky bridge. Leaning against the railing, was a tall woman eyeing them. She had a feathery mullet with very short bangs lining her forehead. The top layer was a faded green, while the tips of her hair were sky blue. She wore full length overalls with a green and white swirled tank top underneath, with flip flops.

“Ah shit, it’s Vertigo.” Sighed Kurt.

“That explains the van ordeal.” Added Kitty, who backed up, facing Vertigo and watching her closely.

“Hey!! Who sent you! I wanna know! Cuz clearly we got some snitches who’re gonna get stitches when all this is over.” Gabby spouted at Vertigo.

Vertigo smiled, and said “Kingpin needs your assistance. If you come with us without a fight, no one will get hurt.” She beckoned her hand, gesturing at Gabby.

Kurt crossed his eyes, and furrowed his brow, putting on an asinine tone of voice saying, “Do we look like da thwee dumbest kids in da world to you? Tell Kingpin it’s a big fat no.” Then he blew a raspberry at her.

“He doesn’t want you or the cat. It’s lil miss dark n’ edgy he needs.” Said Kangaroo, while pointing at Gabby.

“Oh really?” Gabby tilted her head, “Tell ‘em I said to sit n’ spin.” she held up both middle fingers, one at Vertigo and the other at Kangaroo.

“Not the best answer, luv.” Kangaroo said, he pulled out the walkie talkie, and talked into it saying “Ya gotta clear shot?”

“Gonna take it.” The male voice from the walkie replied.

Kurt reacted quickly and teleported Gabby and Kitty to the rafters way above in the ceiling.

Kitty said “I’m going to hold off Vertigo. I’ll meet ya’ll downstairs at the semi’s.”

“Sounds good to me.” Said Gabby.

Kitty climbed across the rafters and phased down the side of the wall. She dived for Vertigo, grabbing her legs, and phased her past the sky bridge and let her fall to the ground below.

Kangaroo slung the strap of his shotgun around himself and hopped onto the sky bridge and then steadied himself to hop up into the rafters.

Gabby said to Kurt, “Watch this.”

She loosened the tape off a small glass vial that she attached to the railing days ago and crushed it between her fingers, saying “Slick, thick, fulla ick.”

Kangaroo jumped up and grabbed onto the metal rafters, but the bars were suddenly coated in a thick green gelatinous grease, his eyes widened in surprise and he said “No-no-no!!”
His hands slipped off the railing and he fell onto the sky bridge with a hard thud.

Kurt and Gabby threw their heads back and laughed.

Vertigo groaned, her head had some blood trickling down, soaking into her mullet, and she rubbed her back as she stood up. She looked up at Kangaroo, who was stumbling about and grunted “They’re just kids, we can take ‘em.”

“You sure about that?” Kitty was standing on the stair steps, and added “You guys suck at your jobs.”

Vertigo gritted her teeth and held out her arms, sending out her psionic waves to disrupt Kitty. Yet, Kitty quickly phased up to the second level and clearly ran into the empty restaurant where they had their kitchen. Vertigo chased her and placed her flip-flop covered foot on the loose floorboards at the entrance to the abandoned restaurant. The floorboards sprung up due to her weight being placed on the ends of them and smacked her in the teeth. The sharp splintered wood busted her lips open and some splinters lodged themselves in her gums. Vertigo moaned in pain, her eyes watered as she hunched over and held her bloody mouth with the palm of her hand. Kitty phased up from the floor behind her and grabbed a fistful of Vertigo’s hair, slamming her head against the side of the entrance over and over until she lost consciousness.

While Kitty was holding off Vertigo, Kurt and Gabby grabbed a stack of bricks that Gabby manifested from one of her glass vials and began hurling them at Kangaroo. He was still recovering from his fall, and held his arms up to cover his head. Gabby and Kurt yelled “Yeet!!” every time they threw a brick at his head.

Kangaroo jumped down from the sky bridge, his arms were scuffed up and his head covered in gashes.
Gabby cupped her hands around her mouth and bellowed, “You give up, or are ya thirsty for more?!”

“You’re about to give up, you little bitch.” Kangaroo muttered.

Kurt and Gabby heard a loud “BANG” and around them was a cloud of smoke, they inhaled some of it when Kurt teleported himself and Gabby to the concourses above.
They felt very odd, and quickly they started hallucinating. “Shit!” Gabby yelled.
She pulled out another glass vial and crushed it under her foot, saying “Quickly find clear minds!”

The hallucinations stopped, and Gabby told Kurt, “You take care of kangaroo jack-off and I’ll get whoever shot us up with the hallucinogen.”

“You sure?” He asked

Gabby nodded, and said “Go now!”

Kurt teleported away while Gabby uttered a small spell under her breath. It manifested a red light that lead her to the one who shot at them.
It beamed to down to the second level of the food court and into one of the abandoned booths, she saw the shining gleam of a tranquilizer gun being held by a man in a skull mask wearing a black trench coat with yellow eyes.

Gabby ducked down and said aloud to herself “Ravioli ravioli what’s in the pocket-oli.”
She pulled two cans of ravioli out of her jacket pocket and put the cans each in two long white sock from her other pocket. She tied a knot to keep the cans in the sock, then tied the socks together.

She cast another spell to make herself invisible for a few minutes. She carefully walked over to the man in the skull mask, and stood behind him. She swung around her homemade cans-in-sock weapon and bopped him on the head, he dropped his tranq gun as he bent over in pain, and as he whipped his head back up to look for his assailant, she swung her weapon round and hit him in the nose. Blood gushed out of his nose and he pinched the bridge of it with his thumb and forefinger to stop the flow. Gabby proceeded to beat him again in the head with her weapon, and he yelled,
“When KingPin is done with you I’m gonna gut you like fish!”
He stood up, and Gabby swung the cans right into his crotch, he bent over again, moaning in pain. She took his tranq gun and emptied the contents of the cartridge onto the floor and tossed it aside.

Gabby ran away as she yelled “Now that’s what I call a can of whoop-ass, puta!”

Gabby’s invisibility spell wore off, and as she ran down the stairs, she felt a sharp pain in her neck. She immediately felt where the source of pain came from, only to pull a dart out of her neck. The effects of it came over her immediately, and much stronger than the smoke pellet her and Kurt got hit with.
She wobbled around as a trippy vision overcame her. She looked at her hands and watched them begin to unravel, like little ribbons unfurling themselves. The ribbons worked up to her arms, which also unraveled. She then floated outside of her body and watched it dissipate into multi-colored geometric shreds. Ahead of her was another man dressed up in a skull mask and trench coat, he said smugly, “Didn’t bank on there being two of us, did ya kiddo?l”

The masked man faded into darkness, and Kurt grabbed Gabby and teleported to the road where the semi trucks are parked.
Kurt heard Kitty shout “Not now! Not now! Hide!”

It was then a stealth jet flew by, raining bullets down at Kurt, and he teleported back into the ticketing area.
He caught his breath for a moment, and noticed Gabby began to pass out.

“Shit! Shit! Stay awake, Gab!” He exclaimed as he smacked her in the face with the palm of his hand.

Kurt smelled smoke and could hear the sounds of the walls caving in, the whole airport was already bursting into flames.
Panicking, he held onto Gabby and was about to teleport to the caved in parking garages nearby, but he felt something sharp hit him in his shoulder blade. He reached for it and plucked out a dart.
‘Fuck!’ He thought.

He teleported close to the caved-in parking garages, he wanted to teleport within, but he grew weak, and forced the lids of his eyes to stay up. The stealth jet flew above him, and he could hear a female voice from a loudspeaker say,
“Put the girl down and I’ll spare your life!”

It didn’t matter, however, Kurt dropped Gabby as he fell over. The jet quietly landed, and out came a woman, with a red hair in a messy top bun with bangs. Half her face was painted white with black lipstick. She had a leather bikini top with skinny leather pants and chunky wedge boots. She pulled out a cigarette and lit it with her telekineses. She knew Kitty was watching, and pointed a Glock 45 at Kurt’s head. She said aloud “I know you’re watching, Kitty Pride. If you make one move, I’ll blow the blue boy’s brains right out!”

She put the cigarette in her mouth and motioned with a flick of her wrist to one of the skull-masked men, who was running out of the crumbling airport, and he picked Gabby up off the ground and took her into the stealth jet.

Kitty could only watch from behind some overgrown brush as the stealth jet took off. She had to wait for the semi trucks to drive away too, there was too many armed people for her to handle by herself.

Kitty roused Kurt, and he groggily said “They took her.”

“I know. “ she replied sadly.

“So what do we do now?”

Kitty looked back at the crumbling airport, the billowing smoke made her eyes water.

“The radio in the van might still work, let’s get to the van quickly!”

Kurt mustered up the strength to take them to the van, they took the radio out and teleported away from the smoke, taking shelter in a airport hanger that barely stood up.

They turned the radio on and turned the knob to the station that was written down on a piece of paper taped to the back.

“I hope either her aunt or her aunt’s landlord is sober enough to answer the damn radio.” Said Kitty.

Kurt crossed his two fingers and said “Here’s to hoping.”

Chapter Text

Tater roused to the sound of the radio going off, he could hear voices coming from it. It was the late evening. The trio got back from the anomaly welcome party and they were very, very, drunk.

He stumbled over to the desk and sat in the wood chair. Answering the call, he groggily muttered, “Ughhh……how canna help you?”

“Is Spider there? We really need to talk to her.” Said Kitty.

“Yeah, it’s super urgent! Her niece is in trouble!”Added Kurt.

He rubbed his eyes and groaned, trying to sit up straight in the chair.
He yelled, “Thhh-piiider! Tttthhhe-piiiderrrr!!!”

“WHAT!!” She yelled, her voice slightly muffled. She was lying face-down on the cabin floor, whiskey bottle in hand.

He slurred out, “Yerrr fuggin’ kids wanna talk to ya. They said it’s an emergency.”

“Ughhh?” She grunted with one eye open.

He motioned with his hand and said, “Come over here n’ talk to Kitkat n’ blue balls.”

Spider got up and stumbled over to the radio, while Tater, who had wicked bad cotton mouth yelled “Gobbyyy..gemme sum lemonade. Gemme sum goddamn lemonade!”

“Heyyyy niece, how’ya doooiiin?” Spider mumbled into the speaker mic.

“Spider. This is Kitty. Goddamnit you’re drunk already, aren’t you?” said Kitty.

“Alwaaayys ahahahah!” Spider cackled.

“Well, might want to sober up. KingPin’s goons took Gabby.”

“Ohhhhh..” Spider paused for a moment then said to herself as the hamster in her head began to spin the wheel, “They took Gabby….they…took….”
Her face contorted into rage and she screamed,
“GABBY?! AAAGgHhhHhhhhhaa!!!!!”

“Quit screamin’ woman!” Tater yelled as he covered his ears.

“Im going to kill that motherfucker!” Spider slammed her fist on the wood desk, and blurted, “FUCk!!”

She shot up, her teeth grinding in anger as she paced back and forth, growing sober.

“Soooo are you coming down to get her?” Asked Kurt.

“No shit I am!” She replied into the mic.
She added, “How far can ya teleport, Bluey?”

“You throw around the word Bluey like it’s a slur, you racist drunk.” Replied Kurt

“Whaaaa! That’s not racists!” Slurred Spider.

“Why are you getting so defensive…racist.”

“Okay. Kurt.” Spider cleared her throat
“How close can you meet me? I’m getting my ass in gear and when I get down there, that bald fucker is going to be chopped liver.”

“Well, we’re are way’s up north, and you’re waaay southeast, sooo how fast can you drive? Can you even drive right now?” Asked Kitty.

“I can sober up in no time, don’t worry about it! Now I gotta get mah wheels warmed up but how bout we try to meet up at the ole junction, the coordinates are: 38.75581° N, 111.38157° W
Can you kids remember that? Y’all gotta pen n paper or something?”

“I can remember that easily. But why there?” Asked Kurt.

“I’ve got an old friend whose help we’re going to need, I don’t even know if he’s alive, but he’s very familiar with KingPin’s tower.”

“Gotcha.” He replied.

“Kids, I’m going to take off as soon as I get off this radio. So teleport y’all’s cute lil asses on over and keep that radio with ya, I’ll call y’all later. Over n’ out.”

Spider stood up and Tater rubbed his face, and said,
“Sorry Spider, I don’t fuck with Kingpin. And Goblin’s probably not coming with you either. He’s been arguing with Farmer Fran for the past hour on how to properly gut a catfish, and they’re not relenting.”

“That’s fine, this is a personal errand. I just need some wheels.”

“Take the smaller mobile we got out in the hangar. It’s a good one! It’ll run faster than a scalded dawg.”

“Thank ya Tater. You’re a real one. I’ll see you n’ Gobby way later, unless I die or whatever.”

Tater waved her off and Spider dusted the cobwebs off the front of the mobile, she warmed the engine up and felt very, very groggy as she sat in the drivers seat. The setting sun only added to her drowsiness.

“Fuck! I gotta stay awake! Gotta sober up” she slapped her face repeatedly to break her drunken stupor, and said “Spidey needs her Christmas snow stash!!”

She pulled out a small glass jar full of cocaine from the glove compartment and rolled up an old dollar bill. She assembled a line of cocaine on the dashboard of the mega mobile with a plastic card, and proceeded to snort the scaly powder up her nose.

“Aghhh. That’s the good shit!” She blurted.

Spider wiped her nose, then shook her head and pounded the steering wheel with her fist yelling “Whooo!!! Ready for actiooon!”

She started up the mobile and took off, peeling out of the driveway yelling
“Gonna Pin that King to the wall! Hahahaha!!”
———————————————————————

Gabby roused. She blearily opened her eyes, and found she was lying on a concrete floor, and in front of her were iron bars. She was in a jail cell, and ahead of the bars was the red head with the half painted white face. She smiled at Gabby, and pulled out a walkie-talkie, saying “Baaaabe, the little turd is awake.”

“Be right there, honey!” Said a raspy voice, seemingly that of an older man.

Gabby wobbly stood up, with one hand pressed against her temple, her eyes lidded as she said in a gravelly voice,
“Hello, Mary. If that’s who I’m talking to.”

“Typhoid Mary.” She replied smoothly, placing a hand on her hip.

“Kay.” Gabby flatly replied.

“You and your little friends put up a hell of a fight.” She stated.

“I wonder, Typhoid.” Gabby grasped her gloved hands around the metal bars, rested her forehead against the cold iron, and stared intensely into Typhoid’s eyes. “Kitty could have taken all ya’ll on. You did something to her, didn’t you? Even tho I was passing out, I could sense it.”
Gabby let go of the bars and stood back with her arms crossed and an eyebrow arched.

“Hahaha. You’re onto something, kiddo.” She smiled wide, revealing her jagged teeth under her lips. “I put the idea in her mind that she couldn’t do it. Couldn’t handle it. Too weaaaak.”
Mary tapped on her head with her index finger.

“So you lowered her confidence knowing she’s the most skilled out of all of us.” Gabby said aloud. “Tricky. Tricky.” Gabby wagged her finger at Mary.

“Mmmm…” Typhoid Mary took out a long hunting knife and licked the edge of it, then said, “If you play your cards right, you could work for KingPin. You’d have a place with us, and a soft bed, full belly, not wandering around abandoned buildings looking for the home you’ve never had.” Mary was working on Gabby, looking for vulnerabilities to make her malleable.

Gabby lightly chuckled, and replied, “You and Fisk trying to adopt?”
She shook her head, “My friends are my home. No matter where we go, we have each other’s backs. And even if I didn’t, home is here.” Gabby pointed at her heart.

Mary glared at her, and said, “Well, that’s cute. But no matter, you’ll have to cooperate fully with us, if you want to continue being a homeless vagrant.”

“Death threats already?” Gabby tilted her head, giving a toothy smile, “See. You’re already a terrible mother and I’ve been here less than a day.”

Suddenly, Gabby heard the doors down the concrete hallway open up, and the whirring sound of wheels steadily making their way to her cell.
Typhoid Mary’s eyes lit up and she roused, slightly jumping up and down and smiled, saying “Baaabe! I missed you!”

Up rolled a motorized shopping cart, and sitting in it was a 4’10 bald white man wearing glasses, a greasy wife beater, and boxer shorts. His knobby-knees were ashy, and he wore dirty white socks with his sandals.
Mary hugged him around his barely-there neck and they exchanged a slobbery, open mouthed kiss.
Gabby grimaced in disgust and horror. She covered one of her gloved hands over her mouth and muttered, “Dios, I think I’m going to throw up.”

Typhoid Mary sat in his lap while KingPin turned his attention to Gabby.
“How’s it goin, kiddo?”

“Ugh. It’s goin’. Why did you kidnap me, are you like, a child molester too?” Gabby sneered.

“Hey! No!” Kingpin waved his hands defensively, “I ain’t no diddler! It’s no good diddlin’ kids!”

“Then what the hell do you want?” She asked, wrinkling her nose with a curled lip.

“Well I heard from a little toady that ya witchin’ skills were top-notch, and I’m in need of ‘em. This’ll also be a great opportunity to get your name out there, a good demonstration of ya witchery. Plus, if you fulfill all my requests, I won’t kill ya!” He ended that statement with jazz hands, and Typhoid Mary let out a childish giggle.

Gabby stewed in anger when she heard that first statement, her eyebrows knit together and she said through her teeth, “Sooo. It was Toad who snitched. When I get out of here, I’m going to fry that slimy fucker.”

—————————————————————————

It took a while to get to the junction, but by gawd, Spider made it by sunrise. She pulled up at a trailer park, that was surrounded by a tall fence with wooden spikes at the top with cameras all around, and got out of the mobile. She stretched her legs, groaning and kicked her heels, looking around to see if the kids made it.
Her senses went off and she jumped, and manifesting where she stood was Kurt and Kitty. Kurt was very exhausted, he fell over.

“Hey kids! How was the trip!” Spider exclaimed.

“It was fine for me, but damn is Kurt spent!” Replied Kitty.

“Just….just give me a moment…” He groaned, breathing heavily.

“I got somethin’ that’ll help ya recover.” Spider said.

“Is it-is it the booger sugar?” Kurt stammered.

“Hell no! That’s for adults, son! Hahaha!” Spider chuckled. She went into the mobile and came back out with a thermos and handed it to Kurt.
He looked it over and asked, “What is this?”

“It’s a concoction I make for really bad hangovers, it’s got Mountain Dew, coconut water, Gatorade, and pedialyte!” She beamed proudly.

“That sounds disgusting! I’ll try it!” Kurt said.

He drank the unholy concoction, slightly gagging, and remarked, “That was awful, but it’ll do.”

“Who lives here that we need so bad?” Kitty asked, staring into the cameras.

“He’s an old friend, well, he was also dad’s friend. He was a badass back in his prime, now he’s just a grumpy old fart but he can slice n’ dice a motherfucker if his buttons r’ pushed enough.”

“Interesting.” Kitty said, “We can just phase through the fence to get in.”

Spider shook her head. “Nah. That’ll freak em out. And I don’t wanna get bitched at by him.”
She walked up to the entrance and typed in a code on a metal key pad. The gate opened and Spider looked back at the kids and pointed back to the entrance with her lips. They followed her into the entrance. Within was underwhelming, it was just a typical trailer park, and they walked to the back, where there was a double wide with shredded punching bags and a couch that littered the front yard.

Spider knocked on the door and said “Hellooooo!! Anyone home?!”

They waited a moment, there was no answer. So she knocked again, this time harder. Still no answer. Spider knocked a third time, but on the window pane and yelled, “Anyone home?! If I don’t hear anything I’m coming in!”
A moment of silence passed, so Spider said, “Fuck it, we’re coming in.” She tried the front door, and it was ajar. They walked into the living room, which was surprisingly clean, and that’s when they saw the occupant lying on a tattered lay-z-boy. He had grey hair, grey mutton chops, and wore a tattered button up with denim jeans and white socks. His eyes were wide open and his cataract-covered corneas made his eyes look hazy. A small string of drool worked it’s way down the side of his lip and down his chin. His mouth hung open as he let out a groaning snore.

“Is…is he dying or dead?” Kurt said quietly, in a nervous tone.

“We’ll find out.” Spider said.
She leaned forward and snapped her fingers in his face. She kept snapping them saying “Hellloooooo. Loooogaannn. Wwaaaaake upppp old man!”

He let out another snore so she yelled, “LOGAN! WAke THE FUCK UP!!”

“BAAaAgHHhhhh!!!” Logan let out a gargled scream and his adamantium claws shot out and he swiped frantically at the air, Spider’s senses of course, warned her and she jumped up and stuck herself to the ceiling. Kitty had phased behind Kurt and Kurt teleported to the other side of the living room.

Logan jumped out of his recliner and wiped the drool off, saying, “FUCK! I was napping! THE FUCK YA’LL WANT?”

“Just wanted to drop by and see how you’re doin..” Spider said, while on the ceiling.

“Bitch you coulda called first! Ya just about went an’ gave me coronary when you yelled in my face!”

“But shouldn’t you be used to that by now? You’re like what, three hundred years old”

“I lost count, I’ve accepted that I’m a senior citizen at this point, and I want some damn peace ‘round here.” He said, while pulling out a cigar and lighting it.

“Well, now that you’re awake, I gotta favor to ask.”

“Nuh-uh.” He shook his head while puffing his cigar. “This old body’s outta commission.”

“It’s not to fight or anything, I need directions.”

“So get a map.”

“A map can’t show me round KingPin’s tower. You know where all the secret rooms n tunnels are.”

“You don’t wanna go there, that place is a fuckin’ dump.” He said as he blew out a cloud of smoke towards Spider.

Spider waved the smoke away and jumped back down to face him.
“Dude! You know your way around KingPin’s tower, help me out here, pretty please?”

“No. I’m old. Hell, you could even say I’m gently alive at this point.”

“You don’t even have to come with us, just make me a map of the place so I can figure out how to get my niece out of there quick as lightning.”

Logan froze for a moment then glared at Spider and asked, “You have a niece?”

“Yeah! Don’t you remember her? She was like this tall when ya last saw her.” Spider held her hand out and lowered it down next to her knee.
“I don’t even know if we’re blood related honestly, but no matter, shes family.”

Logan rolled his eyes and sighed, “Aw shit. How old is she now?”

“I think she’s fourteen?” Spider said with some uncertainty.

Logan rubbed his face and walked back and forth, thinking. A moment later he groaned again, saying “Ughhhg. Fine. I’ll help!”

“Cool! Thank you!” Spider’s face lit up and she did a fist pump. “I don’t have pen n paper tho, do you?”

“We don’t need that shit. I’m coming with you.”

Spider grew even more excited attacked Logan with a hug, saying, “Thank you old man!! Thank you for helping me out!”

Logan patted her on the back saying, “Yeah..yeah..”

——————————————————————

Gabby was leaned up against the side of the wall in the cell, arms crossed, as she said, “So. You want me to open a portal to another world to get a hoagie sandwich from a specific shop in that specific New York, that a dog man told you was-,” she raised her hands up, making quotations with her fingers, “the shit.”
“Why didn’t the dog man just take you there himself?

“Cuz afta a while he offed himself! Dude said he couldn’t take no more and jumped offa the top of the building. It was pretty badass.” Kingpin replied.

Gabby rubbed her face in frustration, and said, “Oh my fuck. Aaand you want an army of the undead to do your bidding aaaaand you want a homonculus hybrid of yourself that is seven foot tall and you want your soul transferred over to it?” Gabby rubbed her temples and groaned.

KingPin nodded happily in response while eating pigs feet out of a glass jar with a bottle of hot sauce, his fingers coated in sauce.

“That is a tall order, dude. Like, damn. Daaamnnnn! Do you know how much work it’s going to take?” Gabby leered at him while pacing back and forth in her cell. She counted on her fingers as she ranted,”First, I need something of value, something you greatly treasure in order to open the portal. It can be a person or a thing, but it’s gotta be a personal sacrifice. AND! You must say a specific prayer every night for a week at 3 am to cleanse yourself before we do the necromancy.”

KingPin shook his head and said, “Whichever’s the quickest way ta get my undead army an my new body is all I care about.”

“Well, quick isn’t gonna get you your new body dude. A homonculus of that size is going to need at least a year to germinate.”

“Pffft, you can just summon one.” KinPin sputtered as he wiped some gristle on his wife beater.

Gabby looked disgusted, then replied, “No way we’re summoning one. The demons will just commandeer your flesh suit for their own taking. We do this the proper way!”

“Figure it out kiddo, I’m not waitin’ a year.” He spat back.

“Look dude, you’ll be waiting more than a year if we don’t do this right the first time around. And even if you get someone else to do it, they’ll either tell you the same thing or they’re lying.”

Kingpin looked at Typhoid Mary and she shrugged her shoulders. He sighed and said, “Alright fine, we’ll do it your way.”

Gabby nodded and continued, “Next thing, is we’re going to need a lot of materials. I need a couple pounds of frankincense, a couple pounds of myrrh, a dozen sage bundles, lemongrass, the tooth of a lion, claw of an eagle, and No! Nothing from a Jersey Devil! Mortar and pestle-“

Kingpin cut her off saying, “You can shut up now, just write all that down on a list and you bet your lil emo ass we’ll get ya your witch stuff.

Kingpin rolled away on his cart and Mary smiled at Gabby, she said as she levitated a knife above her hand, “I’ll know if you’re lying. If you use your materials to escape, I will slit that pretty little throat of yours, do you understand?”

“Crystal clear.” Gabby replied, and as Mary walked away she muttered under her breath, “insane in the membraaane.”

Chapter Text

Spider n’ friends drove to LV. Under Logan’s direction, they parked the mobile way out in the desert, under the cover of dark. The soft glow coming from the moon and stars twinkled and shined. They were far enough away that the lights and flashing signs from LV weren’t overpowering the sky. Yet, they could still make out the top of KingPin’s tower from far away. The large neon sign flashed KP.

The moment they parked, Spider went to the back of the mobile, she opened the door to the back room, and jumped back, slightly screaming. Sitting on top of the bed was Doreen and a group of her squirrels, she was eating peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon. She smiled wide, her buck teeth sticking out and waved, “Hi!!!”.

“Doreen! What the hell! You were back here this whole time?!”

Doreen nodded happily, smacking her tongue against the roof of her mouth, her eyes slightly red and watery.

“Giirrrlll, you coulda just asked to come with an’ I woulda said yes!” Spider said while holding her arms out.

“I whfanted it be a thuprise” Doreen merrily replied with a mouth full of peanut butter.

Kitty, Kurt and Logan were behind Spider and Doreen took notice of them, she waved, “Hello kidthsss! Hello Loghann!”

Kitty and Kurt waved back, Logan just smiled back at her, and said “Hey, Doreen. Are ya comin’ with us to rescue the kid?”

Doreen shot up from the bed and saluted him, “Yethh!!”

Spider walked into the room, and pulled a tank top out of one of the duffel bags sitting on the floor, she walked into a smaller room and came back out a few minutes later, donning the new top. It was a full length tank top, the spider emblem was surrounded in red, orange and yellow flames, with the words “NO RAGRETS” written in bold black font under the spider, and where the flames ended was the neon green color with the spider web pattern.

“No regrets, huh? Not even a single letter?” Logan asked her with an arched eyebrow as he scanned her new design.

“Haha, no Logan, I love all the letters! This my new creedo, gotta overcome the guilt you know? Especially if I wanna have a clear mind in order to rescue my niece.” Spider proudly pointed at her new motto with both index fingers.

Logan rolled his eyes, Kitty laughed and Kurt said “mein gott” under his breath. Doreen nodded and gave a double thumbs up of approval. Spider whipped out her flask and took a swig of whiskey and sighed satisfactorily. She then pumped her fist in the air, exclaiming, “Let’s stoodis!”

Kurt teleported them to the outskirts of KingPin’s tower. It was covered in neon signs and flashing lights. Surrounding the building was several layers of security and barriers.

“First thing we’re going to do is take away as much methods of transportation as possible. Planes, mobiles, trucks, atv’s you name it. Cut the gas lines underneath.” Logan explained to them as he took a puff off his cigar. They were crouched down looking at the chain link fence that enveloped KingPin’s lot.

“Gotta take out the security of course.” Spider noted.

“Quickly and quietly.” Kitty Pride added.

Logan stared at the barb-wire covered chain link fence. Spider, Doreen, and her squirrels hopped over, while Kitty phased though and Kurt teleported. He rolled his eyes and snorted, simply locating the gate, and unlatching the handle. He calmly opened it and walked into the yard. He muttered under his breath, “KingPin’s stooges ‘r too stupid to lock the damn gate….” Then he threw his cigar to the ground and stomped it out.

Logan, Doreen, and Spider worked on cutting the gas lines, he got under the vehicles to cut the lines with his claws, while Spider used a hunting knife from her belt. Doreen cut the lines with one of her knuckle claws while the squirrels watched out for them.
Kurt and Kitty worked on dispatching the security, who were walking about armed with shotguns. They simply disarmed them, Kitty phased the guns out of their hands and Kurt trapped them inside the back of a semi truck, by teleporting them in there.

They regrouped and hid behind one of the vehicles. The next layer was the yard around the tower. The front of the lobby had a large metal gate, in which authorized guests were permitted to enter into the main lobby.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been here, but I heard KingPin hired this dipshit for extra security. I hate that dude so damn much.”
Logan sneered. He gestured at three smaller buildings around the skyscraper. It was three smaller towers. Watchtowers, to be exact.
“Gotta take out the snipers from up there as well.” He pointed up at them.

“So whose the dipshit he hired?” Spider asked.

“Fuckin unbearable. He calls himself-“ Logan made quotes with his fingers, “The Tiger King.”

“Alright then. Not the weirdest I’ve heard” Spider shrugged her shoulders.

“Oh. It’s not that. I heard there’s a shit ton of ligers behind that wall….” Logan sighed and rubbed his temples, then continued, “And about twenty of them have literal laser beams attached to their heads.”

Kitty and Kurt giggled. Doreen smiled wide.

“What the hell?” Spider tilted her head, smiling.

“Yeah. It’s stupid.” Logan muttered.

“That’s like, one of the dumbest things ever.” Kitty said, chuckling.

A sudden cool breeze whooshed on through, carrying with it a nauseating stench.

Spider and the kids covered their noses, and Logan just nodded his head, confirming what he knew.

“Aw dude, that reeks!” Kurt spouted.

“So gross!” Kitty exclaimed, her voiced muffled from covering her nose.

“Stinks like musty old cat piss.” Spider added, slightly coughing.

Doreen shrugged and said, “I don’t really smell it.”

(Ya ever been to a zoo where there’s a shit ton of big cats? Them fuckers spray everything and everywhere!)

They heard multiple low guttural roars. The ligers were sounding off a territorial roar, which only solidified the fact they were behind that wall.

“I’m getting some good ideas.” Kitty said.

“Pretty sure I know what you’re thinking.” Kurt turned to Kitty and they nodded their heads in agreement.

Meanwhile, up in one of the towers was sixty year old man with a brown handlebar mustache, and a bleach blonde mullet. He had a leg brace on, with a metal crutch sitting next to him while he sat in a chair. He wore a brown leather jacket with fringes that hung off the arms. Strapped to his hip was a pistol in a brown leather holster.

He poured pickle juice into a styrofoam cup and then poured a can of coke into it.

“Dude that is disgusting!” Remarked Kangaroo, who was covered in bandages, he had a black eye and a some burn marks on his arms.

“Nah it ain’t. It’s the best diet plan in the world. Ya lose weight by shittin’ yer brains out.” The dude replied in a southern twang. He took a sip out from his cup and said “Hell yeah!”

Kangaroo shook his head, and muttered, “I can’t wait for my contract to be up…”

“It ain’t that bad! All ya gotta do is sit there n’ watch the yard.” The dude remarked.

“Yeah, but Joe, this is fuckin’ boring. I can do better than this.”

“Eh. I can understand that. I’m only workin’ for him cuz I’m broke as sheeit and I don’t mind sayin’ that!” Joe replied while taking another sip from his nasty ass concoction.

“Yeah, you’re broke cuz you spent all your dime tryin’ to wack that bitch with the flower crown!”

“Hey!! That ain’t entirely true!” Joe’s face grew red as he pointed at Kangaroo. “That bitch Carole Baskins tried ta frame me first! And she ain’t so innocent, she dun fed her first husband to her tigers!” He slammed his fist on the table.

“Oh yeah?! Like you’re any better! What about the time your husband offed himself and you literally went out n’ got remarried like two months later!?”

“You shaddup ‘n mine yer business! You got your ass handed to ya by three teenagers!” Joe then added, “Just look at cha, yer all dinged up n’ shit, ahahaha!”

They suddenly heard a loud roar. Kangaroo ducked and Joe fell out from his chair when several ligers with laser beams attached to their heads appeared out of nowhere and began to attack them, while lasers fired everywhere.

Kangaroo covered his head and yelled “What the hell?!!”

Joe tried to hide under the desk, but one of the ligers ran over and dragged him out by his leg, and Joe proceeded to hit it over the head with his metal cane yelling “Fuckin cut it out you giant beeitch!!” The cane did nothing to stop the liger, it dragged him further while Kangaroo ran n hopped down the spiral stair case, leaving Joe to the ligers.

“Hey! You asshole! Come back here n’ help me!!” He yelled in a shrill voice.

Kangaroo ignored him and continued till he exited the tower.

Joe called for help on his walkie talkie while being dragged around, and heard a voice say “Your ligers are all up in the lobby! It’s chaos, dude! They’re firin’ lasers everywhere n’ wrecking the place!” Joe could hear people screaming in the background and the ligers roaring.

Kurt and Kitty put ligers in all three watchtowers and after they put the rest inside the lobby and throughout the building, they regrouped with Spider, Logan, and Doreen.

“There’s several places Gabby could be. The dungeon deep beneath the tower, which is accessible by a hidden set of stairs and an elevator, or the guest quarters up near the top.” Logan said.

“So we should split into groups, right?” Spider asked.

“Mmhmm.” Logan said, then added, “Kitty, go with Spider to the dungeon, since you can phase through. Kurt, come with me to the top of the building. Doreen, you-“

Doreen interrupted, “Ah know what I’m gonna do, you guys. Trust me.” Doreen put her hands on her hips and nodded, her squirrels gathered on her shoulders.

Logan chuckled, “Well alright then, let’s get moving!”

———————————————————————-
Gabby sat down on the concrete floor, rolling around a can of ravioli she pulled out of her pocket. The guards standing around her cell perked up when they got the message on their walkies about the ligers running throughout the building. Gabby kept rolling the can around, she hid her interest in the sudden news. One of the guards turned around and glared at her. She looked up at him, and shrugged her shoulders. “What? I didn’t have anything to do with that. I don’t even have access to the materials that could even cause something like that.”

He turned back around to face the other guard and whispered.
Gabby sighed, and thought to herself, ‘Whelp, time for my escape.’
She stuck her fingers down her throat, and quickly gagged up a small steel vial. She smiled maniacally at the slimy little vial, and snapped the top of it and placed it on the floor. She muttered a prayer and said, “open up, n’ shut them up.” The gate to cell opened up and a strange invisible force dragged the two men into the cell, Gabby quickly grabbed a set of keys off of one of them while they flew into the cell, which shut immediately.
“So loooong suckas, hahahah!” Gabby stuck her tongue out at them and unlocked the door in the hallway and ran up the stairs.

She ran up several flights of stairs, and opened a door, which lead into the main lobby of the building, on the ground level. She saw there were many ligers chasing people. Lasers had etched into the marble statues, the walls, the floors, the ceiling, and blew up the slot machines. “Huh, pretty cool.” She said to herself. Gabby whistled and nonchalantly walked through the slot machines, and saw a pack of Virginia slims on the floor and picked them. She also swiped a can of natural lime white claw off one of the slot machines and tucked both items into the pockets of her pants.
Gabby felt something jab her back and she turned around. It was the man wearing the skull mask in the black trench coat, or one of them, at least, he pointed a sniper rifle at her.
She glared at him, raising her hands in surrender.
He held a walkie up to his mouth and said, “Found her.”

“Great, bring her up to the landing pad!” Exclaimed Typhoid Mary’s voice.

Gabby had to go with him in an elevator, in the midst of the chaos, gunshots were ringing out, while ligers continue to chase patrons who were running out of the building in droves.

While Gabby and the masked man waited in the elevator, the lights flickered on and off, and a sound could be heard coming through the speaker in the elevator.
“All rise for the anthem of what use ta be the US of A.” Said Doreen’s voice, and then it cut to a squeaky voice with a catchy beat singing, “dibidi ba didi dou dou-di ba didi dou! Didi-didldidldidl houdi houdi Dey dou!!! Here we go!”

Gabby smiled, and the masked man said “Aw hell.”

They made it up to the very top of the tower, and walked up a flight stairs to the roof where the helicopter landing pad was located. Mary stood there, brandishing a katana blade, and KingPin had already taken off in a different helicopter.

“Well kiddo, looks like we’re relocating to a safe house since you’re so popular.” Mary grinned at her.

“Is that right?” Gabby tilted her head, smiling.

Mary’s grin dropped and she motioned with her head for Gabby to come to the helicopter.

————————————————————————
Kitty phased the group through the steel wall, and they made it into the lobby of the building. Security guards and patrons alike were too busy trying to not get mauled or zapped by lasers to notice their arrival.

Doreen asked Logan, “So, you know where they keep all the security cameras n’ stuff?”

He nodded, and replied, “They’re up near the top, eighteen floor, behind the beaten red door, you’ll know it when ya see it.”

“Got it, I’ll call either of y’all if I see Gabby.” She replied, then made her way up the stairs.

Some of the security guards started shooting at the ligers, and Spider shook her head, saying, “Aw hell no! Don’t y’all even think about harming god’s beautiful creatures!”

One of them looked at her like she was stupid and said, “Bitch they’re trying to kill us!”

Spider shot out a web, which grabbed onto his shotgun and she flung it back to herself and crushed his gun, saying “It ain’t their fault! They got every right ta do so!” Then immediately disarmed the other guard.

While that happened, Logan turned to Kurt and said, “Kurt, take us up to the top.”

“Uhh. Can’t really do that…” Kurt nervously replied.

“Why?” Logan said, in an irate tone.

“I can’t teleport in places I haven’t been before..unless it’s a wide open space.”

“Tchhh. Fuckin’ A. I’m takin the elevator then.” Logan, walked over to the elevators.

“Won’t the stairs be better?” Asked Kurt while following him.

“Boy, I’m too damn old, these knees ain’t what they used to be.” Logan said while putting his hands on his hips.

“Okkkk…well I’m taking the stairs.” Kurt pointed to where the stairwell was.

“Meet me at the twentieth floor.” Logan said

“Aight!” Kurt opened the door and teleported up the stairwells.

Spider and Kitty made their way to the bottom of the building, phasing through the many concrete layers. When they got to a hallway, they saw two guards stuck inside a cell. “She’s not here.” Kitty said to Spider.

Spider walked up to the cell and said, “Ya know where the kid went? Well actually haha y’all probably don’t, why the hell would she tell ya?”

“I know where she went but I’ll only tell ya if you let us out.” Said one of them.

“Ahhh!! Yer fuckin lying.” Spider laughed while taking a swing out of her flask.

“Let’s go, we need to find her!” Kitty added

“I know that!” Spider spat at her. Suddenly they got a call from Spider’s walkie talkie, it was Doreen.

“Hey guys! I’m where the cameras are, Gabby and this masked dude are going to the elevators where the main lobby is!”

“Let’s go!” Spider said. Her and Kitty phased back up to the ground floor, but Gabby and the masked man were already gone.

Logan and Kurt met at the 20th floor, they checked all the guest rooms, but still couldn’t find Gabby. They got the call from Doreen, and Logan said, “Well, shit. Really need to find out which way they’re headin’”.

“Oh! Oh! I see them now, they’re at the roof! I think! There’s a landing pad. This chick with half a white face is there and there’s a helicopter! You guys need to hurry!” Doreen yelled.

“Kurt, you need to get your ass in gear and try to get us to the top!” Roared Logan.

“Alright alright! I’ll try!!” Kurt shouted back.

He teleported himself and Logan, but they were about five hundred feet in the air above the tower

“Fuck!!!” Kurt yelled, then teleported again.

They teleported to the top of a nearby building,

Kurt said “Damn it” then teleported again, this time they ended up several feet above the landing pad, and landed on their feet on the concrete ground. They saw the helicopter took off, and Spider and Kitty burst from the door that led to the roof.

She saw the helicopter and said, “Aw hell no!”
She shot her webs at it to keep it from going any further.

The tip of a sniper rifle stuck out from the window of the helicopter and started shooting at Spider, she moved side to side to avoid the bullets while hanging onto the webs, but more bullets reigned down from another direction, Kitty touched Kurt and Logan so the bullets would phase through them.

Spider noticed a hidden sniper at the other building close to the tower, and shouted, “Kurt, take em out!” She pointed with her lips to the sniper and Kurt teleported over, and teleported the sniper into the yard that still had some ligers, and took his rifle away.

She let go of one of the webs and carefully aimed her shooter at the sniper rifle. She shot out a web and it plugged the rifle up. Mary tossed the rifle to the side and used her telekineses to set Spider’s other web on fire, and Spider saw the trail of fire heading down the web and to her hand. She let go, and the helicopter took off.

She looked up at the helicopter, smiled, and said “Oh no you didn’t!”

She shot another web out and it clung onto the helicopter, and she quickly made her way up the web. Mary set off another trail of fire, but Spider didn’t care. She’ll endure the burns to rescue her niece. She punched through the front of the helicopter and crawled in. Spider punched the pilot in the head, and Mary tried to slice her with the katana but Gabby grabbed Mary’s top bun and yanked as hard as she could. Mary screamed, and Spider punched her in the face. Mary used her telekineses to steer the helicopter to the ground. Spider had ripped the straps out of the seat that Gabby was strapped into and Gabby kicked Mary in the head, and then held onto Spider. She kicked open the door of the helicopter and jumped out. As they fell, Spider held onto Gabby, and attempted to use her own body as a sort of shield to cushion the eventual fall to the ground. Kurt teleported to them midair and grabbed them both. They teleported near the ground, still in the air. They landed with a thud and all three laid there, recovering from the shock. Spider got up, groaning and rubbing her temples. The helicopter had already a crashed and burned. But emerging from the fires was a very pissed Typhoid Mary. Surrounding Kurt, Spider, and Gabby, was about fifty of KingPin’s guards. They pointed their guns and rifles at them.

Kitty and Logan phased down the building and ran to where they were. Logan started the fight by unsheathing his adamantium claws, slicing though as many gunmen as he could. Kitty phased through them, taking their guns and phasing them into the ground. Kurt teleported about, grabbing them and teleporting them high above the ground and dropping them.

Spider turned to Gabby and said, “I got this, kiddo. Now RUN!!”

Gabby did as she was told, and ran off. Spider fought through the armed guards.
Typhoid Mary followed Gabby, and Spider noticed, yelling, “Leave her the fuck alone!”
She ran for Mary, and Mary turned to face her, brandishing her Katana. Mary stood still and smiled widely, and when Spider was about to initiate the fight, she heard a loud rumbling sound.

Mary smiled deviously, and said, “I called for backup.”

Running up to Spider was a big ole motherfucker of a man, he had a pink mow hawk.

Spider turned around and saw him, and said, “Well I’ll be damned, it’s Freddie Dukes!”

He was running for her, and Spider jumped away, sticking to the side of a building. “Freddy! I take it yaint at the thunderdome no more!”

“Damn right im not!!” He snorted.

“Can’t ya just, you know, sit this one out?”

“Sorry Spider, they paid me handsomely.” His apology seemed genuine as he ripped the wall out the side of the building.

Spider jumped away, and said, “Well, hot damn, dude!”

Meanwhile, Gabby high-tailed it away to the lot outside the tower. She was among the vehicles, mobiles, and atv’s etc when they caught fire. She stopped for a moment, wondering what her next move will be.
Typhoid Mary located her easily, still brandishing her katana.
Gabby glared at her, Mary was still a good distance away. Gabby began to dance. She titled her head side to side, swaying the rest of her body with each movement. Then she swung each arm to the front and back, and shimmied her way to Mary, then did a front flip and twirled, placing her palms flat up against the side of a mobile. (She doin the Meghan dance 🤣) She walked forward and pulled a butterfly knife out from the sleeve of her hoodie. She smiled, and said, “Who you tryin’ to get crazy with, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco?!”

“Fuck around and find out, you lil bitch!” Mary broke into a running sprint while glaring at Gabby.

Gabby, sighed, and tossed her butterfly knife to the side, saying “I gotta a better idea.”
She had to perform the spell she hates the most. Yet, it’s a sure-fire way to get herself out of this mess. She said a quick prayer, then took out the Virginia Slims and dropped it to the ground, and pulled out the can of natural lime white claw, opened it, poured it on top the cigarettes, and quickly said,
“3-6-9
Damn you fine
Get low-get low-get low
To the windowwww to the walllll
till the sweat drips down your balls
Aw skeet skeet motherfucker!
Aw skeet skeet god damn!”

Mary was compelled to stop in her tracks, she dropped her katana and began to dance like a wasted white girl. She twerked terribly against the side of a mobile.
“What the fuck did you just do to me?!” She screeched at Gabby.

“Ya just got white-girl wasted, ya psycho-bitch!”
Gabby yelled, then proceeded to run away.
———————————————————————-

Spider kept dodging Freddy’s charging attacks, and said “Dude! C’mon buddy! Just leave this one alone!”

“No, can’t do it.” He grunted as kept charging at Spider.

Spider did a front flip, and as she sailed over him, she yelled, “Pocket-sand!” and flung a handful of sand that she stored in one of the pockets of her utility belts into his eyes.

Freddy was taken aback, he rubbed his eyes, groaning, the gritty sand stung, and his eyes watered heavily as he stopped dead in his tracks.
He was super pissed, and said “Oh, you’ve done it now! I was gonna go easy on you!” He grunted and ran even faster towards Spider.

Yet suddenly, a red energy field with a web pattern manifested around Freddy, he smacked his head against it, and punched at it frantically.

Spider smiled widely, and turn around, saying “I was wondering if you’d show up to this one, but I gotta say, you’re a little late to the party.”

Chapter Text

Spider didn’t even wait for him to respond, and booked it to the lot to find her niece. She shot out a web and it attached itself to the top of a watchtower. She swung over the steel wall, and saw the flames rising up and hurriedly leapt down, jumping atop the mobiles and semi’s. Miguel followed along and while they slung their webs to find Gabby, she said in passing while pointing at him, “How the heck did you find out we were over here?!”

“I have my ways..” he replied

Spider shook her head, and said “Whatever! Hey! How’s that one anomaly doin? The cute short chick with the long hair, big eyes n funny voice?”

“How do you even know about her?!” Miguel said in a paranoid tone of voice while peering down the lot and swinging.

“I saw her in passing when I went on the tour. Did she escape the cage? Hehe.” Chuckled Spider.

“You had something to do with that?” He replied in slight terror and annoyance.

“Hahaha!” Spider laughed heartily, “That’s my girl! I bet ya tried to marry her, didn’t cha?” She raised her eyebrows up and down suggestively while smirking.

“EW! No!” Miguel shouted, taken aback.

“Hahhh! You thought about iiittt!” Spider said teasingly while standing on top of a semi and peering down at the ground.

“No-I-I did not!!” Miguel stammered.

“Shoot, then maybe I should go over there and marry her.” Spider quipped while swinging around.

“No! No!” Miguel pointed at her. “You’re not allowed within five hundred feet of her! Or should I say, not even within the same dimension.”

“Dang! Possessive already.” She mouthed as she continued to search.

He ignored her, then muttered, “glad I left her with Hobie, I’d trust him more than I’d ever trust you..”

“What?!” She exclaimed.

“Nothing.” Miguel snickered to himself when he realized he also left that particular anomaly stuck high up on his platform this morning, before he left to deal with another anomaly.

Spider spotted Gabby about three miles away, sitting on the East metal wall outside the liger enclosure and happily exclaimed, “Gabby!”

She quickly side-lined Miguel and swung in front of him, kicking him in the gut mid-air. He was caught off guard and tumbled to the dirt ground. He shot up and said, “What the shock is your problem?!”

Spider landed on the ground in front of him, glaring. The smoke and fire in the lot gradually rising higher and higher behind her as she said,
“Don’t you dare reveal yourself to my niece, MIG! I’m actually making an effort to be serious when I say this. So listen close.” She jabbed her index finger into the middle of his chest and said in a sharp tone, “She. Is. Not. Ready. For. You! And she won’t be ready for a long, long time!”

“Wait. How do you know my name?! I never took my mask off or told you!” He said in shock.

“Ah figured out who you was back at the damn tour ya jackass. I just kept callin ya Cornfed to fuck with you. It’s real easy ta do.” She replied, while taking a swig out of her flask. She looked twice at the flask, glaring as she came to a realization and said. “Heyyyy. Now I know why you returned my flask to me! You put a tracking device in here, didn’t you?”

“Ugh” he scoffed. “I wasn’t going to reveal myself to your niece to begin with!”

“Bitch! Then why are you here?! You talked all that shit about not disrupting-“
She made quotations with her fingers, “ ‘the canon’ and now you’re over here creepin on us! Sometimes you don’t make a lick a damn sense!”

He grew solemn as he looked down and said,”Look. I just…I just wanted to see her again. Even if it’s not her. Even if…she’s very very different from the Gabby I knew.”

“Well..” Spider wore a morose expression and said, “Just know that her dad was scum of the earth. If you could even call him her dad. He barely had a hand in raising her.”

“He was that bad?!” He looked back at her.

“Her father tried to sell her for a hit of rapture when she was a baby! That’s when dad kicked his ass and took her in. He raised us together. She’s more like my little sister than anything.”

“Oh….I see now. Wait. How old was he when he had Gabby?” He tilted his head in confusion.

“He was like, fifteen when he knocked up his girlfriend.” Spider crossed her arms and snorted when she said,”He also pissed off dad when he fucked our aunt.”

“He….fucked his aunt?” Miguel asked in disbelief.

“Yeah! Thank god they weren’t blood related! ‘Course being related may not have stopped him either. The whole ordeal was a mess! Tio was piiiissedddd.”

“What the shock?! W-what was wrong with him?!”

“Eh.” She shrugged, “Mig was just a horny bastard. His slogan was ‘nine to ninety if they can’t walk I’ll carry ‘em’ and I mean damn did he smash everything that walked!”

“He sounds disgusting…did he at least step up after Green Goblin killed your father?”

Spider sighed sadly, and replied in a haggard tone, “No. He only got worse. But whatever. All that shit’s over. Gotta move on from it.”

“Move on?” Miguel said sharply as he pointed at her, placing a hand on his hip, “YOU haven’t moved on, you’re a drunk!”

Spider rolled her eyes,”Ohhh we wanna throw stones at glass houses now, Mig?! Don’t fucking start with me on that shit-“ Spider was cut off when Doreen interrupted their conversation. She was hanging off the top of a semi truck staring down at them as she said,
“Sometimes, I still make out with my step father.” She twiddled her fingers, her squirrel tail whipped side to side.

Spider wiped her watering eyes, due to the smoke of the growing fire, and said, “Fuck! Doreeen! We’re trying to have a serious conversation here..”

“I thought this was like, a confessional of sorts..” she replied guiltily.

“Just…no…but like, first you make out with trees and now this?” Spider tilted her head, peering up at Doreen.

“Why do you make out with your stepfather?” Miguel asked with genuine horror and curiosity.

“Because.” She quipped.

“Because?” He arched an eyebrow.

“It’s something I know is wrong, but I still do it anyways just cuz.”

“You know it’s wrong but you still…” he trailed off.

“Yep. Don’t get me wrong, we only started after I was an adult, it’s not like I was groomed or something. Like, after I was eighteen that’s when we had our super sloppy Goodnight kisses as he called it…”

“Oh my shock…” he face palmed.

Spider shook her head, gritted her teeth and jumped back up, leaping over the vehicles to get to her niece. Miguel saw that she took off and followed behind again, saying. “Hey!!!”

Spider jumped atop the wall, standing on the ledge, and looked down at Gabby, smiling wide.

Gabby was eating a can of ravioli with a plastic fork. She stared up at Spider and wrinkled her nose and curled her lip.

Spider held her arms out and said, “Well don’t just look at me like I’m freakin’ Frankenstein, give your Tia a hug!”

Gabby glared hard at her and put her ravioli can down. “Do I have to?” She tilted her head.

Spider motioned for her to stand up, still smiling wide.

Gabby sighed deeply, rolled her eyes, and stood up. Spider gave her a bear hug, not letting Gabby pull away as she said “I love youuu! You’re my only niece! I think.”

“What?” Gabby’s eyes widened, her attention piqued they continued to hug.

“Well, you n’ I both know your dad was a whore. Sooo its possible you got other half siblings out there. And I probably got more half siblings too. Since your grandpa was also a whore.”

“Grandpa was awesome!” Gabby dropped the angry teen facade for a moment as she thought about her grandpa.

“I know! He was the best. Like I said, the whore gene just runs wild in the family. But instead of running, it’s fucks. It fucks everything. Everything but family, ‘cept for your great-aunt.”

Gabby sneered and rolled her eyes again, “I got it! You can stop now.”

“Okay..okay.” Spider replied in a hushed tone.

“Let’s get out of here, huh?” She pulled away from the hug. She grabbed Gabby and they jumped down the wall, making it outside the lot where they met up with Kurt, Kitty, and Logan.

Miguel jumped over the wall and followed them. Doreen was busy taking the lasers off the liger’s heads and turning them loose. Logan sat down on the ground smoking a cigar.

Gabby’s frown turned into an ecstatic smile as she attacked Kitty and Kurt with a hug. “I missed you guys!!” She exclaimed.
They returned the hug and Gabby looked at Logan and said, “You look real old Logan, are you gonna die today?”

“Kid. You better mind yer mouth. I only came out to this shithole to get your ass out of trouble.” He then looked off into the dark desert and continued to puff on his cigar.

Spider stretched her arms and said, “Aren’t I the best Tia?”

“No! You’re a terrible Tia!” Gabby crossed her arms as she put on an annoyed face.

“Awww. I thought we were making progress here.” Spider replied, disappointedly.

“You suck! You’re always annoying, and you’re only annoying when you’re drunk! Which is always!!” She yelled.

“I’m not that bad.” Spider grinned smugly, “My landlord likes me and my best friend thinks I’m funny.”

“Your landlord is a drunk too! And your so called “best friend” is always trying to kill you!!” Gabby fired back.

“A-duhh!” Spider then leaned down to get in Gabby’s face, “It’s called forgiveness! I forgive him, we move on from it, he doesn’t try it for a while, he tries to do it later, uhh the cycle repeats, hehe.”

Gabby shook her head, “You’re stupid! Forgiving someone shouldn’t give them permission to do it again! You can distance yourself from them and forgive them!”

“Oh yeah?” Spider nodded her head, “Like how you forgave your dad?” She crossed her arms and slightly glared down at her.

“I’ll never forgive that asshole, and it doesn’t matter anymore! He’s dead!” Gabby clenched her teeth, the anger in her voice tore through.

Spider’s glared dropped to a slightly sad expression, she calmly asked, “What if you could see him again, would you feel the same way?”

“Yes and yes!!” Gabby balled her fists up, “Actually, even if he was alive I’d never want to see his stupid, dumb face ever again!”

Spider looked at Miguel, who stood nearby awkwardly. She shook her head, clicking her tongue.

Gabby followed Spider’s line of sight and looked Miguel up and down, then asked, “Hey what’s your name? What’s all that about, huh?” She pointed at his suit.

“…..I’m spider-man…” he replied in low husky tone to hide his true voice.

Gabby smirked and said in a mocking manner, “Spider-Man huh? Nice costume, Spiderman, does it come with a dick in your mouth?” She laughed and Spider bent over, covering her mouth with her hand to suppress her laughs.

Miguel was taken aback, slightly disturbed by the dirty mouth this variant of his daughter had, and secretly impressed by her overall appearance and attitude. “N-no!! No!” He stammered, “This suit is pretty badass! It’s actually holographic, it’s composed of an unstable molecular fabric and nanotech!”

Gabby craned her neck to the side as she shot back, “Oh yeah? If you’re so damn proud of your suit then why you hiding under your mask? Is it cuz you’re ugly?”

Spider’s eyes widened in horror and she chuckled nervously and grabbed Gabby’s shoulder and whispered, “Heheee, niiice. Let’s take it easy.”

“Oh! You wanna see what I look like that bad huh? Careful what you wish for, mija!” Miguel threw his hands and was getting riled up.

“I bet you’re so damn ugly your momma had to feed you with a slingshot when you were a baby.” Gabby gave a toothy smile.

Spider suppressed her laughter and gripped Gabby’s shoulder even harder, and said “GABBY, I think that’s a good burn! Let’s slow it dooown, it’s been a long night.” She then added under her breath, “Don’t poke the sleeping gorilla…”

“Whaaa?” Gabby looked up at her, it was odd to see her Tia get nervous like this.

“We do need to figure out where we’re staying tonight.” Kitty butted into the conversation.

“You guys can always come stay with me in the mobile for a bit till y’all figure something out.” Spider said.

“I don’t wanna.” Gabby whined.

“You need a safe place to stay, mija, you and your friends can’t live by yourselves.” Miguel said softly.

Gabby froze for a moment and looked up at him, wide-eyed. She looked back at her Tia Spider, who wore a paranoid grin, and said “Tiiiaaa. What the hell is up with blue boy? And what’s up with you? You’re acting odd.”

“You’re right! I’m acting odd because I could have lost you to KingPin, you got kidnapped!” She replied.

“Hmmm…ok then. But, what about you, giant blue dude?” She pointed at him, “What’s your deal?”

“Is it not normal to be concerned for your general well-being? Gabby.” Miguel said awkwardly.

“When you’re a complete and total stranger, yes it is!” She spouted, glaring at him.

Spider inched herself in front of Miguel and said, “He’s Spider-Man, and he just happens to care alooot about people, yes.” She nodded, “I’m the same wayyy since I’m Spider-Woman, yep.” She swallowed dryly, then smiled.

Gabby’s interest waned, and she shrugged, “Okkkk. So you’re both just fuckin weird. Got it.”

“Back to the more important topic, if you don’t wanna stay with your aunt, then where do we wanna go?” Kitty interjected, looking at Gabby.

Gabby looked at Logan and smiled, then said
“Can we stay the night at your place, Logan?”

Kitty and Kurt grew excited, smiling wide.

Logan appeared surprised by that request.

“Can we can we can weee?” Kitty smiled up at Logan.

“Pleeeasse?” Kurt asked as well, his yellow eyes arced into half-moons.

“Why the hell do kids like me so much. I’m a crotchety old asshole. I don’t understand!” Logan grunted, looking at the three like they were the stupidest beings in existence at that moment.

“So was that a yes?” Kurt asked, smiling.

“Pleeeaaaase Logan. We’ll be good, we promise! We’ll go to bed early.” Kitty whined as she jumped up and down.

“Fine.” Logan huffed, then began to list his living conditions with his fingers, “But don’t scream, shout, pick up after yourselves, and don’t dirty up the kitchen or put your nasty ass shoes on my carpet or my furniture, take out the trash, and-”

They all three attacked him with a hug.

“You just have a way with kids, Logan.” Spider said smoothly as she took another swig of whiskey.

“Is this what you want, Gabby?” Miguel asked with concern.

She looked at him suspiciously, wondering why this blue spider man even cared, and replied,
“Yeah! Duh!! Logan’s awesome!!”

Miguel looked at Spider, and said “This dude? You trust this dude?” He said to her in an exasperated tone.

“You must not have a Wolverine in your world, huh?” Spider replied.

“Ohhh….he’s dead…wait.” The lines of his mask raised up as he made the connection. “This is your Wolverine?!” He said, containing some excitement. “I thought I recognized him..wasn’t sure..”

“Gotta problem, bub?” Logan said, glaring at Miguel.

“Nope. Just making sure my-I um, making sure Gabby and the others are safe.” He said as he held up his hands in surrender.

“Whelp. They’re all yours hahaha! Take good care of ‘em Logan. Especially my niece!” Spider happily exclaimed, patting Logan on the shoulder.

“Let’s roll. We have a long drive ahead of us.” Logan said while throwing his cigar butt to the ground.

“I can help shorten the drive.” Miguel said.

“How’s that?” Gabby said, looking at him.

“Watch n’ see, Mijia.” He smugly replied, grinning under his mask. He checked his watch, making sure there weren’t any impending canon events as he opened a portal.

Chapter Text

Before they stepped into the portal, Squirrel Girl told Spider, “I’m gonna take your mobile for a spin, I’ll meet ya at Logan’s whenever I get there.”

Spider chuckled, and said, “Well alright then.”

“Hmmm…interesting. This isn’t a dog-man portal.” Kitty observed as she watched the yellow spirals.

“Yep. It’s a different kind.” Spider said to her while nodding.

Logan only grunted as he walked into the portal. He was quite underwhelmed. Kurt followed behind him.

Gabby stared at Miguel’s dimensional watch then back at the portal and said, “Huh. A portal that doesn’t require a sacrifice or an exchange. Neat.” She shrugged as she walked into the portal.

They all made it back to Logan’s trailer, standing in front of it. The sun was beginning to rise, as the dewdrops gathered onto the cacti in front of the trailer and on the window panes.

“It’s good to be home.” Logan said. He looked at the rest of the group and said, “I’m taking a well deserved nap. Make yourselves at home. Don’t dirty my shit.” He walked into his trailer then shut the screen door, and went to his room.

Spider stretched her arms some more as she smiled, thinking about the current situation and then turned her attention to Kurt. She grinned smugly at him and asked,
“So Kurt, how’s your mom?”

“Oh wouldn’t you like to know, huh? Why don’t you go ask her yourself.” Kurt replied sharply.

“Tell her I said hi” Spider said with an even bigger grin.

Kurt narrowed his eyes and said “Shut. Up.”, sharply through his teeth.

“What? Why the attitude?” Spider said mockingly as she raised her eyebrows.

“Shut Up!!!” Kurt yelled back at her.

“No hard feelings Kurt, just wanted to see how your mom was-“ She was suddenly cut off by Kurt when he yelled again,
“Shut Up Spider!”

“Why is he getting upset about his mom?” Miguel asked Gabby.

“She had a one nighter with Mystique.” Gabby replied, while shaking her head.

“And what a wonderful night it was. Hahaha! We got fucked uuppp.” Spider said while chuckling.

“Thats enough! I don’t wanna hear it!!!” Kurt yelled as he covered his ears with the palms of his hands.

“Alright alright, I’ll stop.” Spider held her hands up in surrender.

Kitty tapped on Spider’s shoulder and whispered something in Spider’s ear and Spider grinned and nodded. She said to Kitty in a hushed tone, “go for it.”

Kitty looked up at Miguel and said with a mischievous grin,
“Hey Spider-Man.”

“Uhhh hey.” Miguel replied nervously.

“There’s something I gotta know.” Kitty said smoothly.

“Yes?” Miguel replied in an irate tone.

She snickered for a moment, holding her hand up to her mouth, then took a deep breath and said, “Do it bark?”

“What? What does that even mean?” Miguel held his arms out and shook his head.

“Ahhahaha!!!!” Laughed Kitty, Kurt, Gabby, and Spider.

“So it don’t bark?” Kitty said in between laughter.

Miguel shook his head again and said in a serious tone, “If this is a flirting attempt. Please stop. You’re a kid. And that was terrible.”

“Hahahahah!!! It was worth it!!!” Kitty said as she kept laughing.

“I didn’t think ya had it in ya, Kitty!” Spider said as she wiped a tear out of her eye.

“Oh for shock’s sake…hand me your flask.” Miguel said in a haggard tone as he motioned to Spider.

She handed it to him and he uncovered enough of his mask to take a swig then slightly coughed due to how strong the liquor was.

“So people here know you’re spider woman? Is that why you never really wear a mask?” Miguel asked Spider as he handed her flask back.

“Yep. My name is Spider n’ that’s who I am through and through.” She said proudly.

“That hasn’t always been your name, you know.” Gabby added.

“True. But it’s who I am now..”

Gabby smiled mischievously and said, “I should be like grandpa and say your full name M-rmphremh!!!” Spider covered Gabby’s mouth with the palm of her hand, and glared
“Do NOT speak the forbidden name!!”

Gabby pulled her hand away and said, “Why not? It’s just your actual name.”

“That person died when daddy died!” Spider huffed, “And I will not have anyone marching around saying that wretched name!”

“It’s not a big deal” Gabby shook her head, “I don’t see what’s so bad about it. And it’s the name grandpa gave you.”

“Oh really? What’s her name?” Miguel asked while smirking.

“It’s M-rmmhrei!!” Spider covered Gabby’s mouth again and said,
“Do not break the sacred rule, Gabby!”

Gabby held onto Spider’s hand and bit down hard, and Spider ripped her hand away, saying
“Ow!! You bit me!!”

“There’s more where that came from!” Gabby said, grimacing at Spider.

“Awww don’t get mad” Spider smiled, hugging Gabby from behind and lightly grabbing her arms,
“Remember the song I used to do with you when you were like eight?” She asked, looking down at Gabby.

“No!” She quickly replied.

“It went-“ Spider put on a silly high toned voice and sang, “You’re my grumpy little gabbyyyy, short and mean!” She waved Gabby’s arms around and continued,
“This is her handle this is her spout!
Watch all the steam pour oouuttt!”
She ended the song with a raspberry and laughed.
“Ppbbbtt!!! Gahahah!!”

Gabby’s face turned red and she distanced herself from Spider and whined, “Stooop! Not in front my friends!!!”

“Awww you’re my gwumpy gabbies” Spider said, while doing a little dance.

“Shut up!” Gabby shouted, but had a small smile in the corner of her mouth. She took her vape out of her pocket and took a hit off it. Then she took the weed cart out and took a hit off it as well. Spider saw it and said, “Ooh, which one is that?”

“The Sativa one.” Gabby replied as she handed it to Spider. She took a long hit off the cart and handed it back to Gabby while coughing.

Miguel looked on in horror. He pulled Spider to the side and asked, “Can we talk in private?”

“Sure…” Spider said with uncertainty as she arched an eyebrow.

The went behind Logan’s trailer and Miguel then said in a hushed tone,
“You let her vape?!”

“….yeah?” She shrugged as she looked at him like he was stupid.

“She’s a kid! Kids can’t vape!” Miguel said in an irritated tone as he clenched his fists.

“She’s fourteen. What’s wrong with the vape?” Spider replied nonchalantly.

Miguel face-palmed, groaned, then said “Minors aren’t supposed to use nicotine.”

“Miners? What the hell is a miner?” She asked in a serious tone.

Miguel was perplexed as he spat, “Underage!”

“Under….age?” Spider said as she tilted her head in genuine curiosity.

“You have to be pulling my leg.” Miguel said as he grabbed Spider’s shoulders and shook them slightly, “Tell me you’re just messing with me?”

“I don’t get it.” She brushed his hands off her shoulders and glared at him, asking, “What is an underage? What is a miner?”

“Someone who is under the age of eighteen. It’s illegal in my world to even use nicotine, let alone a kid!”

“Well, we don’t have ‘miners’ or ‘underage’ here. Or whatever an illegal is.” She replied flatly.

“A law! It’s against the law!” Miguel said, growing more frustrated.

“Soooo those don’t exist anymore.” Spider said as she rested one hand on her hip.

“What?!” He said as his frustration took a backseat to confusion.

“Those haven’t been ‘round for a long while, or so I’m told.” Spider said as she reached into the pockets of her utility belt for a pack of cigarettes.

“You don’t have laws anywhere?!” Miguel spat in confusion.

Spider shrugged and lit up a cigarette. “We don’t.”

“You know what? Never mind about the law part.” Miguel gave up his argument on that aspect, then he added, “But even without laws, kids shouldn’t use nicotine and YOU are supposed to be the adult here!” He pointed his index finger at her and continued, “And you just let her do what she wants and go wherever she wants!”

Spider rolled her eyes, and said, “Let me tell ya something about teenagers, Mig. Teenagers are like jello. The more ya squeeze ‘em. The more they slip through your fingers.” She held her hand up in his face and clenched her fingers as she said that.
“And just cuz we don’t have these laws, that you speak of, don’t mean I just let her n’ the other kids have access to whatever drugs they ask for. I’d rather Gabby be honest and upfront with me about the things she does rather than hide it from me.” Spider sighed deeply and continued, “The best thing I can do for her right now is support her. Not try to control her every waking move. I tried that years ago and it was terrible. That pushed us away. I’m not doing that again.”

Miguel thought deeply about what she just said, and replied, “Ok. Point taken. But you don’t set much of an example with all the drinking you do.”

Spider took another drag off her cigarette and said while glaring at him,
“Don’t reign down on my parade, it’s just been me n’ her for a while. We only had dad to raise us, god rest his soul. We are doing our best with the hand we’ve been dealt. So you’re either gonna contend with my flaws or you can get bent.”

Miguel shook his head and replied, “Right, as if those are good reasons. There is no good reason. And I heard Gabby earlier. Why do you choose to live with another drunk and a dude that’s trying to kill you all the time? Why not just live with her?”

Spider sighed deeply and wore a grim expression. For the first time she decided to tell him a truth she’s kept to herself. She checked her surroundings, then said in a low hushed tone,
“Gabby is the one who killed the green goblin.
That day dad died…..”, Spider’s eyes roamed about as the memories of that day floated to the surface of her mind. “I keep Harry close. While he truly is my best friend, I also keep him in check. I never, ever want him to find out who really killed his dad.”

“That can’t be right! How can a five year old kill a grown man? That makes no sense!” Miguel said in utter confusion.

“She’s smarter than she lets on.” Spider looked at him with a very sober expression.
“Even when she was a toddler she was very perceptive. She knew what happened to dad. She was so young but she understood the concept of death very well. I saw her do it.” Spider dryly swallowed as she looked down, “That’s when her powers manifested. The anger. The rage. She let it all out on Norman. He got roasted from the inside out like a piece of chitlin’.”

“Her powers?” Miguel asked.

“Yes.” Spider nodded. “She’s got skill. When it comes to magic n’ witchcraft.”

“How?!” He said, even more perplexed.

“I figured you woulda seen some of that at play when ya creep on us with your surveillance but I guess not. It’s also why I’m not too worried about lettin’ her and her friends live wherever.” She replied, then took another drag off her cigarette, and said with a grin, “The girl is a force ta be reckoned with.”

“Oh….I see now…” Miguel said in a calmer tone.

“So, I’ll let Harry think I did it. And should he ever find out the truth, either he’ll go down or I’ll go down with him. Either way, he ain’t gonna lay a finger on my niece.” She said as she took a swig out of her flask.

“Shocking hell…” Miguel said as he rubbed his temples, then said, “But still, at least cut down on the drinking-“

“You are such a tight-wad! God! I don’t know who is worse. You or the other Miguel.” Spider said as she groaned.

Miguel huffed, and crossed his arms as he replied, “It’s hard to be laid-back when the fate of the multiverse is resting on my shoulders.”

“Well.” Spider grinned as she pulled out a fat blunt from her pocket. “I have just the cure for that.” She lit the blunt and handed it to Miguel.

He reluctantly took it and said, “This better not be laced.”

“It ain’t. This is some good ole granddaddy purple. Indica.” Spider nodded her head reassuringly as Miguel decided to take a hit.

“Smoke it up, son.” Spider chuckled.

After about five minutes of them smoking the blunt, Miguel asked Spider, while coughing and wiping the tears from his eyes,
“What else did the other Miguel do? I know you told me he was a shit father but, I feel like-like there’s more to this.”

Spider grinned, and said as she took another swig of whiskey,
“The dude started a fucking hippie sex cult out in Death Valley! And then-and then when that fell through he decided to just start kidnapping people and trap them in the bottom of a well.”

Miguel coughed again when she said that, and asked, “Did he just leave them in the well to die?!”

“Eh.” She shrugged, “He’d throw food and water down there.”

“Who did he trap in there? Did some people like, piss him off or something?” He asked after he took another hit off the blunt.

“Nahhh.” Spider shook her head as she coughed again. “Didn’t matter. He trapped about everyone. Men. Women. Anything in between and outside of that. Sometimes animals.”

“Are you guys talking about my dad?” Gabby peered out from beside the trailer to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“Yeah…” Spider replied quietly.

“Remember that time you had to rescue that woman he kept tied to the back of a pick up truck? She was there for weeks. And he put a collar on her that said chucho!!” Gabby said.

“Yes, his human corgi, as he explained to me.” Spider replied, and shuddered as she reminisced.

“Ooohhh…” Miguel cringed, and felt weird having heard that. He motioned for Spider to hand her the flask again, and she gave it to him. He took a big swig, then handed it back to her.

“She had like, that weird condition where she ended up missing him?” Gabby said, trying to remember the name of the condition.

“Stockholm syndrome.” Spider answered

“What was he planning to do with them? Why did he keep that woman in the back of his truck?!” Miguel asked in horror.

“I think he was just lonely?” Spider shrugged.

“Lonely people don’t do that!” Miguel spat.

“Eh, pretty sure he was lonely, but he sucked. So instead of like, working on himself to become a better person that people would wanna be around he decided the easier option was to just kidnap ‘em instead.” Spider took another drink from her flask.
“That and it was a power and control thing. He liked being in control of other people’s lives. He had a god complex thing going on ahahah!”

“Did you tell him about the cult he started?” Gabby asked.

“Yes..” Spider replied as she took a hit off the blunt then passed it back to Miguel.

Gabby looked at Miguel and said, “Dude! He kept saying there would be a second apocalypse and said it’ll be called helter skelter. Then she had to go stop him from sacrificing people to the fucking Mongolian death worms!”

“Yeaahhh…it was a trip…” Spider said, while taking another swig out of her flask.

“Ok. I think I know why you didn’t want to join the spider society now…” Miguel said as he rubbed his temples.

Spider’s attention span jumped when she saw a buffalo standing in the pasture behind Logan’s trailer. It was grazing peacefully when she pointed at it while tapping Miguel on the shoulder.
“Dude, see that fuckin’ buffalo over there?” She said in a hushed tone.

“Yeah.” Miguel replied while taking the last hit off the blunt before stamping it out with his foot.

“Slap it’s ass.” Spider said while licking her lips and smirking.

“What?!” Miguel replied in a higher tone of voice.

“Go on. Slap it’s ass. I dare ya.” Spider tauntingly.

“Why in the hell would I slap it’s ass?!” He exclaimed.

“Hahaha you’re a chiiickeeenn!!” Gabby sang as she laughed.

“No I’m not! I’m just not stupid.” Miguel replied.

“Gordo galliiinnaaaa!!” Gabby sang again.

“No I’m not!!!” Miguel yelled.

“Awww. Spider-man’s afraid of da big scarryyy buffalo.” Spider said teasingly while her and Gabby laughed at him.

“Fine! I’ll fuckin’ slap it’s ass.” Miguel said defeatedly.

He apprehensively walked over to the buffalo, and stood next to its haunches as he quickly slapped it large furry brown ass. The buffalo snorted and as he stepped away carefully it turned around to chase him. Miguel ran as fast as he could, but it was no use. The buffalo tossed him into the air with its horns and Miguel screamed as he flipped and fell back onto the grass. The buffalo calmed down and went back to grazing as let out another snort.

“Hahahahah! That was good!!!” Spider laughed sadistically as Gabby laughed with her.

Miguel walked back to them and pointed at Spider, saying,
“Now you do it, you bitch! It’s only fair!”

“Alright I’ll do ya one better.” She slapped her knee and widened her eyes and smiled, then said “I’ll try to ride it hahaha!”

She walked over to the buffalo, which eyed her as it grazed. Spider quickly hopped on top of the buffalo, and it started to kick and try to buck her off as she held onto its fur for dear life. It rolled over on its back and squashed her. She got up groaning and ran as it tried to mow her over. Spider quickly shot out a web used it to jump on top of Logan’s trailer. The buffalo gave up its pursuit and snorted, walking off to graze elsewhere.

“Hahahahah! That’s what you get!!” Miguel laughed heartily as he pointed up at Spider.

Gabby laughed with him, saying “I never seen a buffalo roll on someone before!”

Chapter Text

They walked back around to the front of the trailer, and Gabby turned to Spider, who had jumped off the roof of the trailer to rejoin them.

“Well, im going to-“ Gabby got cut off when Miguel jumped back and slightly yelped.

Next to him landed a Jersey Devil. It stood on top of the fence post as it snorted and flapped it’s wings. It shook its head side to side, then licked its two hooved front paws. The thing had large bug eyes with orange square irises, and a long snout with gnarled horns on either side of its head. It stood up on its hind legs as it balanced itself on the fencepost and as soon as it noticed Miguel, it froze and stared at him. The Jersey Devil didn’t blink as it began to breath deeply, it’s nostrils expanding and deflating.

“What the shock is that thing?!! It’s hideous.” Miguel blurted.

“Shhhh!” Spider held a finger up to her mouth and said in a whisper, “Calm down….That there is a Jersey Devil.”

The Jersey Devil tilted its head side to side as it studied Miguel and snorted again.

“What is it doing now?” Miguel’s voice cracked.

“It’s sizin’ you up.”

“What do I do?” He looked back at Spider.

“Just chill. Ok? No sudden movements.” She replied.

The Jersey Devil made a weird gurgling squeal sound that sounded like a cross between a walrus and a rooster crowing as it stared deeply into Miguel’s eyes, as if it could see past the mask.

“I think it’s horny.” Gabby said, she looked at Spider and they both cracked a grin.

“What are you talking about now?” Miguel said in a hushed tone.

“Yep.” Spider winked at Gabby, and said, “That was a mating call. No sudden movements or it’ll try to hump you.” She grinned wider.

“Yeaaaah that thing wants to doink ya.” Said Gabby, while stifling her laughter.

Miguel sighed defeatedly, and muttered, “I hate this place.”

“But ya like us, don’t ya?” Spider said as the Jersey Devil continued to stare down Miguel.

“That’s debatable.” Miguel replied. He stayed still for another moment while the Jersey Devil continued to study him. It let out an uncomfortable wheezing groan.

“When will it go away?” Miguel asked Spider, “I can’t stand this.”

Spider chuckled, “When it decides it’s no longer interested in ya. Or worse.” Her and Gabby chuckled again.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up. It’s soooo funny.” Miguel said with aggravation.

“Here. I’ll help ya out.”
Gabby pulled another can ravioli out of her hoodie pocket. She opened the tab and threw the can into the grass. It landed next to the fence post. The Jersey Devil snorted again. It stopped breathing for a moment as it’s eyes twitched. It sat completely still. Then it swiftly jumped off the fence, and grabbed the ravioli can with its front teeth and flew off.

“There ya go. Now you won’t have to be it’s lady of the night.” Gabby said while her and Spider cracked up.

“Why do you have a can of ravioli in your pocket?” Miguel asked her.

“I cast a spell to where one pocket always produces ravioli and the other always produces socks.” Gabby pulled out a sock from her other hoodie pocket to show him. She grinned proudly, “It’s like getting a snack and free socks. And if I put the can in the sock it’s pretty much a weapon.” She nodded.

“Ok then.” He tried to hold back his true thoughts on the matter, which was a mixture of annoyance and ‘Why is this variant of my child so weird? Actually, I already know the answer to that question. It’s amazing she even functions.’

“Very interesting.” He commented.

She yawned deeply, wiping some of the red makeup from around her eyes.

“I’m going to crash on Logan’s couch. It was nice seeing you, Tia.” Gabby gave Spider a side-hug. She stepped away and looked up at Miguel.

“It’s been real, Spider-Man.” She cracked a half smile and snickered.

He nodded his head, “Right.”

Then she flashed a peace sign and walked into the trailer, slamming the door behind her.

Spider smiled warmly as she watched Gabby walk into the trailer. A nice peaceful moment of silence passed.
Then Miguel spoke up, clearing his throat first.
“You know….you’re always welcome to join the Spider Society….”

“Thanks. But I don’t want to.” She said.

“Why?” He asked.

“I refuse to be one of your boot lickers and I don’t do cults.”

Miguel got defensive, saying, “It’s not a cult!”

“Suuurreee.” Spider replied sarcastically.

“It’s not a cult it’s an elite task force of-“

Spider cut off his explanation saying, “I don’t caaareee!”

Gabby came back out with two beers and handed one to Spider and one to Miguel, she said,
“Logan told me to be like, hospital-able or whatever and give you two some beer.”

“Hospitable, you mean.” Miguel corrected her.

“Kay.” She apathetically replied.

“He also said there’s more beer in the fridge.”

“Well tell him thank you.”

Gabby stared up at him intensely, and thought for a moment. She looked at Spider, and asked as she clicked her tongue, “Tch. Tia. Where did you meet this fool again?”

“Oh. From somewhere far away.” Spider looked over to the right as she halfway rolled her eyes, then took a sip of the beer.

“Far away huh? Wow. How very specific.” She glared.

“He’s tryin’ to get me to join his circus.”

“It’s not a circus, it is the Spider Society.” Miguel stressed to her.

“What the fuck is that? Some sort of cult?” Gabby asked him.

“No!” Miguel scowled at them from under his mask. “You two aren’t listening to me.” He pointed at Gabby, “It’s a task force I assembled to keep the multiverse from falling apart!”

“It’s full of people like me n’ him.” Spider added.

Gabby’s eyes darted between the both of them as she crossed her arms. “There’s more of you? That’s terrible! Hahaha!” She burst into laughter.

“How is that terrible?” He asked her.

“Are all of you drunks too?”

“No! That’s just her.” He pointed at Spider. “I’d like to think the rest of us aren’t as….troubled.”

“Hah! That’s a good one, especially coming from you.” Spider took another sip of beer.

“Oh whatever.” Miguel lowered half of his mask to take another sip of beer. “But you have to admit that the other spider men can function without all the vices you have.”

“Suuuure ya giant rapture-raptor. I may have my issues but you’re another whole-ass mess. Don’t act all high n’ mighty just cuz the spider-people are your dick-riders.” Spider rolled her eyes again.

Miguel replied, “No. They are not. Did you even pay any attention when you went on the tour? You should know we all are united with a common goal to keep the multiverse from unraveling and to put the anomalies back in their proper dimensions.”

Spider shrugged and said, “I get it! It’s a noble cause to be sure. But really, dude?” She glared at him. Gabby stood by yawning, but enjoying the entertainment.

“The constant surveillance, the ability to just take away someone’s travel capabilities with the watch thingy? No.” She shook her head and crossed her arms.
“I don’t like the invasion of privacy and I think it’s kinda fucked up you have people’s bad memories on display in your web of life show. Like, that’s their private moments and it’s just weird. There’s also the prison system you have going on in there. Then I saw the poor shorty in the cage and I was pretty much like, yeah, fuck this place.”

Miguel was aggravated, he lowered his head while he pinched his brow, and looked back at her. He groaned.
“First of all. I have to make sure people comply in order to keep them from collapsing a dimension and disrupting canon events! Second.” He stressed as he got in her face, “It’s to show how our lives are connected, the other spiders aren’t opposed to having their canon events shown. It’s an example of how we’re all connected by the web of life and density. Third! It’s not a prison, necessarily. They’re in there so they don’t escape and possibly harm or hurt innocent people! And fourth! Little miss cry baby is free to roam around, she’s not in a cage anymore!” He added quickly between clenched teeth, “thankyouverymuch”

“Surely there’s a better way to handle that. I still don’t like the idea of having my every waking moment monitored and scrutinized. It’s creepy. And how do you know they don’t mind?” Spider arched her eyebrow while taking another sip of beer.
“Or are they caving into peer pressure and being intimidated into complying? And I get the prison thing, but can’t they at least have a large open space to be in and be treated with care and respect?”

Miguel groaned even louder. “I would have a better time reasoning with a wall than I am talking to you. You are just-ugh!” He pressed his hands up against his head as he exclaimed, “You’re so difficult!”

Gabby cut into the conversation, she stared at them blankly as she asked, “Is that all you two do is argue?”

Miguel looked at her, “If your Tia would come to see reason we wouldn’t have to argue like this. But her brain has been replaced by whiskey.”

Gabby laughed heartily, “Hahahaaa!! Whiskey-head!!” She pointed at Spider.

“Better than being a rapture-raptor!” She fired back at Miguel.

“Eh. Bésame el culo.” He muttered.

“I’m ‘fraid I don’t have enough lip ta kiss yer fat blue ass.” Spider smiled.

“Hey! My ass isn’t even that big!” He whined.

“It’s in the fuckin way most of the time. I bet you’ve knocked so many coffee cups off yer desk with it.”

“You’re just jealous because you don’t have one.” He retorted.

Spider’s mouth hung open for a moment as she was taken aback and said, “Am not!”

“Are too!!”

“I’m perfectly content with my body proportions!”

“Sounds like you’re getting defensive.” He crossed his arms while grinning.

“It’s okay girls, you’re both pretty.” Gabby held her hand up to her mouth and snickered.

They both were thrown off their argument for a moment as they looked at Gabby. She yawned deeper and said, “I’m going to sleep for real this time. Try not pull each other’s hair out. Byyeeee.” She waved them off as she walked back into the trailer.

“See you around….Gabby.” Miguel said to her.

She simply nodded at him as she shut the trailer door again.

“You know what? We’re getting nowhere in this. So how ‘bout we agree to disagree?” Spider said as she held her hand out to him.
Miguel shook her hand.

“Yeah. Fair enough.” He said quietly.
——————————————————————

Earlier, back in LV, Squirrel Girl was about to hop up into the mobile. Her squirrels crawled in, then she heard a noise. She turned around and saw Joe Exotic crawling away from the burning wreckage that was the parking lot.

He was dragging his metal crutch. He was covered in scratches and bites, his brown leather jacket torn to shreds.
He pulled out his walkie talkie and yelled into it, saying,
“I called for help twice! And not a fuck you, whaddya need, or nuthin!!!”

She shook her head and chuckled as she hopped into the mobile. She started it up, then sped off, the caterpillar tread kicking up dirt with it.

Chapter Text

Another comfortable silence passed between the two as they finished off their beers. Miguel set the bottle down and asked,
“Before I go I…have a few more questions.”

“Mmm?” Spider slightly tilted her head.

His eyes wandered as he forced himself to ask a question that’s been bothering him. As someone who peered into other dimensions for a while, he’s seen all sorts of twisted realities. And this reality was no exception. Despite recent traumatizing events, he still had an inquisitive nature that wasn’t entirely snuffed out.
“Are you…and the other Miguel related? Is he your brother?”

Her face darkened in a flash before she fixed it and swallowed dryly. Spider’s voice ever so slightly faltered as she replied, “Ah. Well. Isn’t that the million dollar question?”

Did he strike a nerve with that one? Her guard was certainly lowered, unlike most of the time. Miguel said in an apologetic tone, “I genuinely want to know. I’m just curious.”

“Hmph.” She crossed her arms and looked down at the ground. She replied in a more soberly tone, that was oddly devoid of her southern drawl, “My dad told me I was dropped off at his porch when i was a toddler. Mig was probably four or five?”

She looked back up at him, “Whoever dropped me off said I was his kid. But he didn’t question if that was true. He told me he just saw me as another kid, that was his now. Am I actually his?”
She shook her head, her southern accent returned as she subconsciously went back to burying her sober self away, “Ah have no fuckin’ clue.”

“Oh…” Miguel replied quietly, he looked down for a moment then side-eyed her as he asked “Well, do you ever want to find out if you are?”

“No.” She grimaced. “What’s the point?”
Her sober self came back to the surface to fight for air as she replied again in an accent-less tone. “It’s a question that does not need answering. No matter what, he will always be my dad.” The corner of her mouth turned up in a grin.

He replied in a lower, coarse voice, “I can respect that.”

A small dark figure suddenly dashed across the fence and behind the trailer. The pebbles on the ground lightly rustled as it ran. Miguel’s eyes could see it, and he flinched back as he asked,
“Wait-did you see that?!”

“See what?” Spider asked nonchalantly.

“What is up with this place?” I keep seeing shit out of the corner of my eye.”

“What?” Spider grinned, her eyes lit up again, “What are you seeing?”

Miguel noticed another small dark figure peek out from behind one of the rocks and quickly dart away.

“You have spider senses don’t you?!” He was puzzled, and his voice grew high as he continued to say, “Haven’t you noticed the weird small figures that keep watching us. One of them just peeked out from behind-“

“It’s just the little people.” She shrugged.

“What?!” He exclaimed in disbelief.

“You heard me.” She nodded her head. “The duendes. The little folk.”

“They’re real?! My mom always mentioned them but I never-“

She interrupted him asking “Your world doesn’t have duendes?”

He got paranoid and replied in an even higher tone “I don’t know!!?”

“Quit flipping out. They like that. And they probably know you’re not from here and wanna get a good look at ya.”

“Was that blunt we smoked laced after all?”

“No. It’s just the little people. Here.” Spider took out a few pre rolled blunts and placed them on a nearby rock. She said out loud “There ya go. Now don’t bother the kids or scare the big man.”

Miguel grinned and said, “Are you messing with me?”

She looked back at him with some bewilderment, “Dude. Didn’t your mom teach you to leave an offering?”

“Ugh…” He groaned, “Yes. Your world just has all the mythological beings crawling around doesn’t it?”

“Obviously they aren’t mythological if you’ve just seen some of ‘em. Does Nueva York not have any?”

He sighed deeply, and replied, “Nueva York has other problems…”

“But you’ve never seen them?”

“Not until now.”

“Ain’t that something? Heh.” She lightly chuckled to herself.

“I’m going to leave now…..” Miguel raised his wrist up and typed a few things on his gizmo. “Tell Gabby I said bye.”

“Sure will.”

He opened the portal, saying to her, “And…the offer is still on the table…if you ever change your mind…”

“Thanks dude.” She said lightly, then remembered something, “Oh! Before you go, give these to Ben, and keep some for yourself. You clearly need it.” She handed him another pack of pre-rolled blunts from her utility belt.

“Ah…ok I will” he said apprehensively as he took the blunts.

“Now.” She grinned wide, “Get the hell out of my dimension.”

He grinned back at her from under his mask as he walked through his portal, then it collapsed shut.

Spider stretched her arms and yawned. She made a web hammock for herself in between Logan’s car and the trailer. Then she fell asleep for a while.
————————————————————————-

Squirrel Girl pulled up in the mobile, got out, unlocked the gates to the little trailer park community, and walked up to Spider.

Spider looked all comfortable nestled up in the web hammock, one of her legs dangled out, and her mouth was slightly open as she snored softly. Doreen stared at her, with a mischievous grin.

“Wakey wakey sleepin’ beauty.” She said in a squeaky tone of voice as she poked her face.

Spider squinted and brushed Doreen’s pokin’ finger out of her face, and went back to sleep.

“I said wakeeey wakey sleepy spideyy.” Doreen sang as she jabbed her in the face with the pokin’ finger.

“Stoooop.” Spider whined as she stretched her arms and yawned.

“But it is time to wakey wakey!” She sang even louder.

“Ughhhh.” Spider groaned as she sat up smacking her lips. She stood up and yawned again. “I’m up, see?”

Gabby had been awake for a little longer than Spider and noticed Squirrel Girl was outside. She walked out of the trailer and stood next to her. Her arms were crossed.

“Tia…..” She started, then pouted a little. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

“What makes you think that?” Spider grinned guiltily while wiping the sleep out of her eyes.

“I have a strange feeling about that blue Spider-Man.” She fiddled with her black gloves, swallowed dryly, then said, “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Spider groaned. “It’s….kinda complicated.”

“It doesn’t have to be.” Gabby replied.

“You could say he’s a very distant relative.” She looked off the to the right, “But I have no idea if we will ever see him again.”

Gabby put one hand on her hip, and asked, “Do I know him?”

“Not particularly. No.” Her eyes widened a little as she looked away from Gabby.

“Then who is he?”

“Spider-Man from another dimension.”

Gabby smirked, “What’s his real name?”

“I have no fucking clue. He never told me.”
Which was a half truth. It’s true that Miguel never explicitly told her his name, but she also figured it out for herself a while back.

“Then how is he related to us?”

“It’s a hunch.” She shrugged again.

“Sure it is.” Gabby pouted her lower lip and frowned.

“Oh noooo! It’s happening agaaain!” Spider wailed, holding the back of her hand against her forehead as her knees buckled.

“What? What’s happening?“ Gabby’s brows turned up in worry.

Spider pretended to gasp for air, then collapsed backward on Gabby, making sure to not put her full weight on her. Gabby fell over and got smushed under Spider’s back.
“Hey!!! Tiaaa!!! Stop ittt!!” She yelled as she tried to crawl out from underneath her.

“Gravity is increasing on meee!!” Spider said in distress.

“No it’s nooot!” Gabby whined.

“Oh the humanity!!”

“Get offf of meee!!” She tried to elbow her Tia in the stomach.

“Hey Gabby.” Spider said calmly as Gabby struggled to get out from underneath her.

“What?”

“You know Kingpin and his butt wipers will come after us for revenge right?”

Gabby stopped moving, and said smugly, “Yeah. Let them try.”

Spider grinned. “Thatta girl. But always remember to fight dirty, and show them no mercy.”

“Like this?” Gabby swung her arm up and smacked Spider in the eyes with the back of her hand.

“Aghh!” Spider squinted her eyes, and groaned, “Yeah! You got me good!”

Spider stood back up, and so did Gabby.
She hugged her niece, and said, “Tell Logan and your friends I said bye. Also Spider-Man says bye.”

Gabby only nodded her head and grinned.

“Bye Gabbyyyyy.” Squirrel Girl crooned as she and Spider hopped up into the mobile. Gabby waved them goodbye, before going back into the trailer.

They drove east for a while, Spider was still resting in a hammock in the mobile while Squirrel-Girl drove. She was woken up by a loud ringing noise.
“Oh shit.” Spider shot up from her hammock and went to the front.

“What’s happening now?” She looked at the dashboard and saw a few lights flashing. The check engine light was on, as well as the oil pressure light.
“That light just now flashed, but that funny orange one has been flashing since I left LV.”

Spider glared at her. “Ya never thought to check the damn oil?”

“Ohhh” Doreen’s mouth formed an O, and asked innocently, “Is that what it means?”

Spider face-palmed and groaned. Blue smoke was coming from under the hood, and she said, “Stop the fuckin’ mobile!”

Doreen pulled off to the side and stopped it, turning the keys, shutting the mobile off.

Spider popped the hood, checked the oil, and looked at the engine. She stood there for a while, getting out some tools from the back. She tinkered around with the engine for a bit longer, then got pissed and walked off to the side and sat down for a moment. Squirrel-Girl got out and asked, “Soooo is the engine gonna be ok?”

Spider groaned, “No. it’s not. I sealed the oil pan with my webs. I also made new seals with my webs.”

“Oh. Well that’s good!”

“And it blew a fuckin’ rod.”

“Uhhh?!”

“A ROD!” Spider yelled. “It’s fucked Doreen!! The engine’s fuucked!”

“Aaghh!!” She screeched.

“I don’t have the parts to build a new engine, Doreen!!”

“I’m sorry!!”

“Sorry ain’t gonna replace this damn engine! All ya had to do was check the oil and change it!” Spider buried her face in her hands and groaned again.

“I’m just a squirrel-woman, Spider! I’m not perfect!”

“Ughhh.” Spider rolled her eyes and looked away.

“Then what are we gonna do?”

“IM going to find some help. There’s a small town close by.” She got up and walked, without so much as glancing at Squirrel Girl.

“Sooo…I’ll just stay here..or do you want me to come with?”

“I don’t care.” Spider marched on as she stared off into the distance, and took a big gulp of whiskey from her flask.

Squirrel-Girl’s tail drooped as she looked at Spider with a sad face, and walked the opposite way.

A little while later, Spider was still walking down the dirt road. The sun beat down on her, and she ran drank her last swallow of whiskey, then trudged on.

Suddenly, she heard something coming from behind her. It was the sound of tires crunching the dirt, and she stopped and turned around.
It was Squirrel-Girl, she was grinning wide as she steered a 1966 turquoise ford thunderbird convertible. She pulled up next to Spider. Tippy-Toe sat on her shoulder, chirping happily, while the other squirrels sat in back seats, chewing on sunflower seeds. Spider dropped her mouth and stared blankly at her. Doreen patted the driver’s side of the door, and said proudly, “I picked up this bad boy from some kid down town.”

Spider furrowed her brows, saying in a low pitch, “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber…you go and do something like this…” Her eyes lit up and her frown morphed into a beaming smile as she held her arms out, exclaiming, “And totally redeem yourself!!”

Doreen beckoned Spider with a wave of her hand, “C’mon! Let’s roll!”

Spider hopped into the passenger side, and they took off down the road again.

Chapter Text

The dry windy breeze fluttered their hair as they headed back east.

“This ride is fuckin’ smooooth!” Spider crooned as she opened the center console. She gasped, and smiled. It was a bottle of Old Taylor Kentucky Bourbon 1963 86 Proof. She pulled it out and asked, “Holy shit! Who did you get this car from again?”

Squirrel Girl shrugged, “The kid said it came out from a dark portal in the sky.”

“Well damn! Those dog men have been busy!”She held the bottle up and said, “Normally I don’t deal with men, but ole Taylor has a special place in my heart.” She pounded her fist on her chest, then said, “I dub thee my new husband.”
She kissed the bottle, and took out a Swiss Army knife from her utility belt and uncorked it. Before she took a swig, she said, “I’m gonna cherish every single drop.”

“Maybe old Taylor is a girl?” Squirrel Girl suggested.

“Could be. But I’m gettin’ dude energy from this’n.” She said as she tapped the bottle with her nails.

Spider noticed something else behind the bottle. It was a medium sized wooden box. She opened it. Nestled within was about 25 Havana Co. cigars.
“Agh! No waaayyy!!!” She squeaked excitedly and showed Doreen.

“That’s amazing! Aren’t you glad I screwed up now?” Doreen said, then laughed.

“Fine.” Spider replied, “I’ll give you that much. Ya definitely found a treasure.”

She stood up on her knees in the seat and turned around to look at the floorboard in the back. She gasped again.
“Doreen! There’s more bottles in the back!!
This is a lucky find!”

“I’ll tell ya wot, we are just blessed n’ highly favored by the good lord aint we?” Doreen replied with a bucktoothy smirk.

Spider took another swig. “Damn right we are!”

“You should light up one of those cigars for me.” Doreen asked.

“Sure thang!” Spider replied and took out a lighter, igniting the end of the cigar and sticking it in Squirrel-Girl’s mouth.

She exhaled a moment later, taking the cigar out. “Oooh now that’s medicine for my soul.”

Doreen turned the radio on, “Let’s see if we can’t get some good noise.”
She went through until she found a station. A slightly staticky voice came through, it said,
“And now for a classic. An ancient relic from times of old. We present, a special found media that was an original song from Kurt Cobain, the fifteenth present of the US of A.”

The song began, and the girls listened intently.
“Never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling and this is how you remind meee-“

(It’s this is how you remind me by nickelback 😂)

“Now that there truly is a gem. Ain’t the creator good for using its holy ghost to find this relic?” Squirrel Girl asked, then took another puff of the cigar.

Spider nodded in agreement. “That is right! I tell you wot Kurt Cobain really had a way with words.“

An hour passed by, and the terrain changed to more red plateaus and mountains with beautiful, earthy toned layers in the rock.
Up ahead of them, a strange portal opened up. It seemed to be papery, layered, and have texture.

“Looook! It’s another portal!!” Doreen pointed at it.

Spider frowned, and took another swig of whiskey, “That’s not a society portal.”

“Ain’t a dog-man portal either.” Doreen said as she slowed the t-bird down.

“Then what the hell is it?” Spider asked.

“I think we should stop and see what comes out the other end.”

Spider nodded her head, and shouted, “Shoot yeah!”

Out from the portal came a van. Not just any van. It was a blue van covered in scuff marks and had red hubcaps with the Spider-Man logo, and red web patterned trim. Stacked on top of it were differing sizes of guitar amps, and luggage. It honked the Spider-Man theme song as it drove on through. The van turned and drove towards them.

“Not what I expected at all.” Doreen whispered to Spider.

“I’m not sensin’ hostility.” Spider whispered back.

The van drove closer until it was about a few hundred feet away, then came to a stop.
Spider tilted her head, and stared at the driver of the van. A grin crept up across her face and she pushed Doreen’s shoulder, and said excitedly,
“No fucking way! No fucking way!!!”

“What? Who is it? You know them?” Doreen looked at her, confused.

“Do I know ‘em?! This is one of the realest motherfuckers in the multiverse!!”
She hopped out of the T-Bird, and the drivers side of the blue van opened and out came Hobie Brown’s lanky-ass self. He waved at her, smiling as his form shifted to a brighter shade.

“Hobie!!!” Spider yelled at him while walking closer, “I remember you! I barely talked to ya! But here ya are!l”

“Wouldn’t ya know it?” He said, “Could barely stand the sight of ya and yet ‘ere I am.”

“Hah!” She pointed at him, “You know ya love me!”

“I despise ya very soul.” He declared with a wink.

“Oh boy do ya!” She slapped her knee. She pretended to glare but still had an unhinged grin, and said, “I wanna wipe the smug look off yer face! I still don’t know how you can wear all those layers and not break a damn sweat.”

“And I don’t know how you can run around lookin’ like somethin’ fresh out of WrestleMania.” He remarked with a chuckle, stepping closer to her.

“I could be! And I’ll bring the paaain!” She balled up her fists and flexed her biceps.

He tilted his head, tucking his hands in his pockets while trying his best not to laugh, replying, “No ya won’t”

Spider bit her bottom lip then blurted, “Fuckin bet!”

His eyes widened, then he leaned closer, “Oh I’d like to see your best moves.” Then he playfully punched her on the shoulder.

Spider planted her feet and held her arms out in a taunting stance, “Ya wanna go, buddy?!”

“Hey! I’m not your buddy, pal!” He returned with another punch on the shoulder.

“I’m not your pal, friend!“ She fired back with another pretend punch.

“I’m not your friend, buddy!” He lightly pushed her back.

Spider groaned at him, and flipped him off along with another taunting stance, “Aaaghhh!!”

Hobie blew a raspberry at her while flipping the V and copying her pose with a groan, “Aaaaghhhh!!!”

They both couldn’t hold it in any longer and busted out laughing.

Spider breathed in deeply to catch her breath and wiped a tear out of her eye, “How’s it goin-how’s your hammer hanging?!”

“Oh ya know. Espionage n’ findin’ more allies.”
He replied.

Doreen got out and sat on the hood. The passenger door of the van opened and so did the sliding door of the backseats.
Spiders eyes widened in a bit of surprise when she saw him. It was Miguel. But not. He had a shit ton of piercings on his face and ears. Hair shaved on the sides, a leather jacket, black combat boots, denim jeans, and a tattered white shirt with a spider-skull symbol on it. Out from the backseat was a woman with shoulder length black hair, glasses, jeans, and a black tank top.

“Holy hellll.” Her mouth slightly dropped, and Hobie smiled even more, and nodded, as if he confirmed what she is seeing. She put her hands on her hips and stared them both down.
“I knew there are a ton of other versions of ourselves but you sure are an interesting one.”

She eyed the woman as well and said, “And I have no idea who you’re supposed to be.”

“Yes. I’m more than interesting.” Punk Miguel pointed at his face with both index fingers “I’m a legend.” he tilted his head up and cracked a half smile.

Whelp you guys, this me old china n’ anotha’ new friend.” Hobie put his arm around Punk Miguel as he introduced him and motioned back at the woman who came out of the back of the van.

“Hey there, cooler version of Miguel. Aaaand lady with glasses.” She waved at them, “I’m Spider or you know, Spider-Woman. My friend over there is Squirrel Girl, as you can see from her tail, or you can call her Doreen.”
Doreen waved hi at them all, and Spider said to the woman with the glasses,
“Well don’t be shy, come over here. What’s your name?”

Punk Miguel said, “That’s miss priss.”

“Really?” Spider asked.

The woman rolled her eyes at him. “No. My name is May. May Reilly.”

“Oh god.” Spiders expression went blank as her eyes widened for a moment, but she quickly hid her mouth with her hand, snorted, then chuckled, “What a dumb name.”

“What’s your problem with my name?!” May blurted.

“It’s wack.”

May sighed, and threw her hands up, “What is up with you and him? Both of you have given me crap about my name.”

“It’s a chumps name hahaaa!” Punk Miguel said as he and Spider laughed together.

She muttered under her breath as she looked away, “assholes..”

Punk Miguel’s attention went to eyeing the classic thunderbird, he raised his eyebrows up as he walked around it saying, “Whoooo! This is a slick riiiide. Oh man. Look at the paint. Barely a scratch.” He looked at Spider and Doreen, asking, “Where the hell did you two get this?!”

“It practically fell out of the sky.” Doreen remarked.

“Divine blessings.” Spider added.

“Ohhh this is a collector’s item.” He grinned toothily like he was a kid in a candy store.

Punk Miguel sucked in a breath of air through his teeth as he merrily said, “Tssss! Look at those rims.” His fingers danced across the trim on the front, “And the chrome is still in good condition!”
He looked at the interior, saying,”The leather seats are just amazing. Soft too.” He patted the seat cushions.
“The wrap around back seats are my favoriiite but your squirrels already scratched them up, damn. Hey wait a minute.” He furrowed his brows, “Ya got illegal Cuban cigars, aaand top notch whiskey up in this too!”

“Yep. More gifts from the sky.” Spider grinned.

He kept touching the backseats and his smiled dropped to a frown as he turned his head to the group, pointing at one of the seats,
“Look-look-look at this- look! Feel the bottom of the seat? That’s not right. It’s hard as a rock right there. That’s suspect as fuck.”

The whole group gathered around Punk Miguel to see what he was pointing at.
Spider titled her head in concern and took out her knife to slice the stitching open and pulled out several bricks of cocaine tightly wrapped in cellophane and duct tape.

“Oooh Christmas snowww.” Spider pursed her lips.

“Well that’s not good.” May said.

Punk Miguel held his fist up to his mouth, inhaled deeply, and practically jumped up and down.
“Whoever owned this car was hauling produuuct! Fuuuuck!!!”

Hobie laughed his ass off. Then wore a serious look as he said flatly,
“Oh look. One of the many tools the CIA uses to wage war on the American citizens and fuel the school to prison pipeline.”

“That’s fucked.” Spider replied.

“Mmhmm.” Hobie said.

“Fuck the government and fuck prisons.” Punk Miguel added.

“Agreed.” May nodded her head.

“Bloody ‘ell.” Hobie muttered. “It’s got the dark triad. Whiskey, cigars and powder.”

“You two should get rid of that.” May said to Spider and Doreen.

“Get rid of it?! Are you crazy?! This could be some good shit!!” Miguel said to her with wide eyes.

“Look at this.” Punk Miguel grinned. He was so elated. He held up one of the bricks and examined them. His lips pursed as he whistled saying, “Whoooo! Dammnnn. It’s got that fish scale shiiiine!!”

“Don’t you dare open that, for the love of god.” May said in annoyance and she rubbed her forehead.

Punk Miguel bent over as he was in tears, one hand on his knee and waved her off. He choked back more laughter and shook his head, “Nah nah I’m just joshing ya, miss priss. I can’t do it. Cuz once I get started I’m like a damn demon!”

“Let’s focus on what we are really here for, guys, please. I don’t want to get caught around this.” May nervously declared.

“You ain’t gonna get in trouble. Ain’t no laws here.” Spider said to May.

“No laws?” She asked, quite perplexed.

“This dimension doesn’t even ‘ave a government.” Hobie said to her.

“What?! Is there any structure here whatsoever?”

“There is structure. We help each other out. Trade. Take care of each other. Shit like that. Of course there’s bad stuff too. But for the most part, we aren’t too terrible.” Spider replied to her.

“Is that….Old Taylor?” May pointed at one of the whiskey bottles.

“Hell yeah! Ya know him?” Spider asked her.

“Do I?” May put her hand on her chest, “Like an ex.”

Spider handed her the bottle she was sipping on and said, “Have yourself a taste.”

“Thanks.” She replied as she took a swig. Then she smacked her lips saying,
“Now that is like a cloud floating over my tongue.”

“Pretty great huh?”

“Hmm. So you aren’t a complete prude.” Punk Miguel said teasingly to May.

“I need this to deal with you.” May said to him as she took another swig.

“Whatever! You know you like me!” Punk Miguel said as he motioned for her to hand the bottle over, which she did, and he opened it and took a big drink.

“I need to show ya sumfin’, mate.” Hobie said to Spider as he pointed with his lips to the van. “I need to ask you a favor.”

“Sure thang!” Spider replied.

The whole group gathered into the back of his van. The back was surprisingly spacious.
There were a few monitors fixed to the inside of the van that were put together with different parts. Sitting on one of the pull out desks was a key board, a roll of duct tape and WD-40.
The monitor split into dozens of smaller screens showing the inside of the Spider Society headquarters.

“Oooh front row seats to the spidey-cult.” Spider sang.

“Oh look at this dude. Look at em!” Doreen pointed at a random Spider-Man walking up a ceiling, “He just picked a wedgie!”

“Hahahaaa!! It rode up!!” Laughed Punk Miguel.

“He was all up on his toes too getting that sucker out.” Spider snorted.

Hobie pointed at another spider man, “Oi check out this knob.” There was a spider man sitting at a table trying to take a sip from a cup, “E’s putting’ the straw up to his mouf and it’s poking his mask.” The straw bent as he kept trying to drink from it before he realized his mask wasn’t off.

Spider remarked, “This is wrong but damn is this fun!” Then she took the whiskey bottle from Miguel and took another drink.

“Y’see those?” Hobie pointed to two screens that were a live feed of Miguel and Jessica standing in front of someone, their backs to the camera. The other screen was Ben Reilly sitting down at a metal table twiddling his thumbs, ad one of his legs bounced up and down nervously.

“Yeah. Himbo Slice looks spooked.”

“Lil’ bit is in trouble.” Punk Miguel said.

May’s brows turned up in worry as she said, “She acted like everything was perfectly fine, when it clearly wasn’t. I shouldn’t have just let that man take her.”

“She ‘ad the perfect opportunity to get back home and she wasted it. It’s gone all Pete Tong n I don’t know why she would just ‘and herself ova.” Hobie added.

“I think it was her vain attempt to see if she could reason with that big Spider-Man.” May said to Hobie.

Spider noticed Miguel and Jessica moved away for a moment and she saw who was sitting at the table in front of them. She glared.
“Oh. Is that how it happened? Shorty escaped then got caught?” Spider asked Hobie.

“Yeah. That’s how she met her.” He pointed his lips over at May Reilly.

“Ah. I see. Ya want me to come n’ get her? I’m in Miguel’s good graces for now. I could probably git her n’ go.”

“I was hopin’ you’d say that.” Hobie’s eyes lit up “I would ‘ave gotten her back but I can’t compromise myself just yet.”

“Oh yeah. I’m sure missy over there wouldn’t make it far.” She looked at Punk Miguel, “and you would just piss off Mig even more the moment he sees ya.”

“How could I? I’ve never been there before!” May retorted.

“If I go I’ll shove my boot up his ass for being a such a fuckin’ tool.” Punk Miguel said.

“Ok I would love to see that!” Spider replied, cracking up.

“You guys don’t get along?” Doreen asked him.

“Nah.” Punk Miguel shook his head, “We hate each other. Like last time I saw him I was ready to beat the snot out of him, and then he bitched at me. I told him he just hates me cuz he ain’t me. Then I brushed the dirt off my shoulder, like thisss.” He demonstrated with his hand brushing imaginary dirt off the shoulder his leather jacket. “That really pissed him off.” He proudly claimed. Spider laughed again.

“Wow.” May crossed her arms and smiled a little, “I figured with an ego of your size you’d be in love with him. Since you love yourself so much.”

Punk Miguel arched an eyebrow saying, “Oh you got jokes too now too, hm?”

“Oodles.” May dryly replied.

“Soooo how am I gonna get there?” Spider asked Hobie.

May showed her a bootleg watch that she wore around her wrist. “This was hers. She’s going to need it back.”

“Ohhh?” Spider looked surprised, “I can get there with that?”

“It was my gift to her.” Hobie said.

“Miguel would shit a brick if he knew ya did that.” Spider examined the bootleg watch then noticed activity on one of the monitors.
“Heyyyy!!! He put shorty back in the cage!”

“That bloody wank stain kenneled ‘er again.” Hobie said, grimacing.

Spider thought for a moment then asked, “How the hell did ya manage to get access to the cameras without his AI knowing?”

“Oh. She does know.” Hobie slyly said, “But she can’t tell Miguel, or anyone else.”

“Hmm?”

“She’s infected with at least five viruses. Two of which have made it to where she can’t send an alert or freeze the camera feeds.”

“Ohhh.” Spider nodded.

“Yeah.” Hobie nodded back as he lit up a blunt and took a puff. He coughed a little and handed it to Spider, who took a puff.

She coughed, and said, “That’s a good one, which is it?” She handed the blunt to Punk Miguel.

“Northern Lights, indica.”

“Niiiice”

Doreen and May didn’t smoke, but took turns drinking from the whiskey bottle while the other three finished off the rest of the blunt as
Spider and Hobie rambled about different strains and which ones they favored. Their accents grew thicker with each word. Hobie’s cockney slang increased and Spider’s hick accent devolved. Somehow they could still carry a conversation as their words and phrases met in the middle and became something only they could understand.

Punk Miguel’s eyes were bloodshot as he nervously chuckled and said “Does anyone know what the fuck they’re saying?”

“No.” Said May.

“Nope.” Doreen shook her head.

Spider noticed Ben walking down a corridor and into an open lobby, “Hey there’s Himbo!”

Doreen sighed and said “He’s so handsome just look at him staring at the garden beds and monologuing.”

They watched him stare longingly while touching the flowers in a concrete garden bed then suddenly taking off in a sprint.

“Aaaand there he go-“ Doreen stopped talking and dropped her mouth, while everyone else cringed,
“Oooh!!!”

Ben slipped in a puddle of water and smacked his head onto the edge of a concrete garden bed, falling head first onto the ground.

“He slipped!” May yelled.

“In a puddle of water no less.” said Hobie.

“He got knocked the fuck out!” Miguel shouted.

Spider coughed, swallowed dryly, then said, “Was that sector two? I’ll go make sure he’s alright when I get there.”

“Oh please hurry! Poor lil’ May must be so worried right now.” May said to Spider.

“Her name is May too?” Spider curled her lip.

“Yeaaahh.”

Spider stared at her and processed the new information, mouth slightly agape. “She’s another May?!”

“It’s a big multiverse out there.” May replied.

“Ya’ll don’t look nothing alike.” Spider remarked.

“No they don’t. Lil’ bit is an angry corgi and you’re a hoochie mamaaa!“ Punk Miguel chuckled as he poked May on the shoulder.

“I am not!!!” She snapped at him, her eyes went completely white for a moment.

Her reaction egged him on as he sang, “You ain’t nothin but a hoochie mama hoochie mama hoochie mamaaa you-OfF!” May slapped him on the cheek, and he held his hand up to his face, and grinned. “Okaaay I deserved that.” He winked at May, and she looked away from him to hide a small smile in the corner of her mouth.

“Sooo are you also another Spider-Woman?” Doreen asked May.

May replied, “No.”

“Then what are ya?” Spider said as she coughed again:

May shifted the top half of body. Her symbiote covered her face and torso, turning them into an oily black skin. Her hair became pink, floating up like a flame, while her eyes turned white, her sharp teeth lengthened as her tongue whipped about, saying in a gravelly voice, “We’re Pink Venom.”

Doreen froze completely while Spider cleared her throat, saying, “Good luck.”

“I think it’s badass.” Punk Miguel said.

“She seems to handle it just fine.” Hobie added.

May shifted back to her regular form and Spider changed the subject,
“Well, I’ve got a way to get there, but do any of ya know how to get her out of the web jail?”

Hobie rummaged through his van and pulled out one of his electric guitars. Then Punk Miguel handed her a car battery/amplifier combo.

“Ohohoho!” Chuckled Spider. “I see what yer gettin’ at.”

They all got out of the van to say their goodbyes, following Spider and Doreen back to the t-bird.

“Can I have the cigars pleaase?” Punk Miguel asked Spider with a warm smile and pleading eyes.

“Well shoot yeah! You’re a new buddy!” Spider nodded, and handed him box of cigars.
Her grin dropped and she wiped her nose, and blurted, “Things wouldn’t have sucked so much if I had you for a brother instead.”

Punk Miguel’s expression went flat as he soberly replied, “Yeah? Well we can’t have it all now, huh?”

“But we got each other now.” She tapped at the bootleg watch on his wrist, “And I think that’s enough.”

She gave May Reilly a bottle of whiskey. “You’re gonna need this.”

“Oh boy will I.” May said, gripping the bottle.

“You want any snow or whiskey?” Spider offered to Hobie.

He shook his head and said “Nah. Blunts n’ beers for me n’ that’s all.

“I can respect that.”

She said to everyone,
“You guys gotta come back. All of ya. Even you, pinkie-priss.”

“Oh shut up.” May replied jokingly.

Punk Miguel walked back to the van, but turned around and stopped, saying,
“Deuces.” As he tapped his fist against his chest while pursing his lips and flashed Spider the peace sign, and waved at Doreen.

May handed Spider the bootleg watch, then walked to the van after saying goodbye.
Hobie gave her the numbers to his universe,
“If things go south, don’t ‘esitate to contact me.”

Spider gave Hobie a thumbs up as she confidently declared, “I’m gonna get her cute lil ass outta there in no time, Lickety-split! Don’t worry I got this!”

They hugged and Hobie went back to the van, waving bye as well. Doreen and Spider sat there and watched the spider van drive into a newly opened portal. A few minutes later, it collapsed.

Spider said to Doreen, “Whelp. Ya ready to do this?”

“Let’s rescue the shorty!” She exclaimed, her tail bristling in excitement.

Spider smirked at her,
“Truly, you’re mah ride or die bitch, Doreen.”

Spider slung the electric guitar around herself, and set the battery-amp combo onto the ground as she tossed an empty bottle into the floor board, then opened another bottle of whiskey and took a huge gulp. She noticed the squirrely activity occurring in the backseat.

“Uhhh Doreeeen!!!”

“What?“

“I think your squirrels got into the product.”

One of the cocaine bricks was chewed open and the squirrels were running around in circles all around everywhere with a crazy gleam in their black eyes and white powder all over their noses and mouth.

“Goddamnit guys!! That’s not for you!!” Doreen scolded at them.
She tried to reason with the coked up squirrels but they didn’t listen as they kept running around. Some chased their own tails, some were trying to hunt a random jackrabbit nearby and chased the poor thing down and tried to maul it.

“Hey! Hey! Stop that!! Stop that!! Rabbits are friends, not food!!” Doreen ran over and took the rabbit away. She batted her rabid squirrels away and set the rabbit free so it could escape.

“Fuck.” Spider groaned, “What are we gonna do with them?”

Doreen got an idea. She opened up the trunk and had Spider puncture some holes around it to let air in. She gathered up her coked up squirrels and stuffed them in the trunk. Spider wiped the cocaine off the seats, webbed up the torn brick, and put both of them in the middle console.

“You sure that’s a good idea?” Spider arched an eyebrow, “Won’t they freak out?”

“They’ll be fine. It’s the best idea I got now. And we need to hurry and rescue the shorty.”

“Okayyy whatever you say. Hope they don’t chew through the back.” Spider said while she put the bootleg watch around her wrist.

“Eh.” Doreen shrugged, “Can’t worry about that right now. So. What’s the plan?”

“First” Spider held up an index finger as she took a large gulp of whiskey. “I’ll check on Himbo Slice. Then-“ she took another gulp, holding up a second finger, “I’ll get the shorty.” She took a third gulp, and extended a third finger, “After that, we go on a joy ride, then we send her ass on home.”

She killed the whole bottle and tossed it in the floorboard.

Chapter Text

Spider-Hick watched the shorty and Miguel disappear into thin air, but she did get a little glimpse of someone else, namely, Madame Webb.

“What the hell just happened?!” Squirrel-Girl asked while beating against the laser cage, trying to break out of it.

Spider-Hick rolled around, getting sand in her mouth, and she spat it out while using her strength to break out of the red webs. The webbing snapped and she undid the webbing around her ankles. She wiped the dirt off her mouth with the back of her wrist. She hacked a little, and replied, “Whelp. We lost the battle. And then they dun went n’ got blipped outta here.”

“Are they dead?!” Doreen said, still using her knuckle spike to try and break open the cage, but to no avail.

“Nah. Pretty sure this bitch I saw during a dmt trip came n’ took ‘em.” Spider sat there on the ground, her eyebrows knit together as she stared at the horizon, watching the afternoon colors of the turquoise sky become obscured with some large clouds.

“I thought it was a peyote trip?”

“Not the peyote trip.” Spider shook her head and swallowed dryly, “This other time I did dmt and I saw this old woman who told me a whole lotta nuthin. Sayin’ some shit about renouncing my cravings and self indulgence and gaining victory over myself, whatever that means. Then these fuckin’ shiny clown things made fun of me and said I smelled like shit.”

“Ooohh.” The squirrels in the other laser web cave scratched frantically at the ground, while Doreen gave up and sat down.

Spider-Hick grunted as she stood up, dusted her tights off, and went to the t-bird to get another drink of whiskey.

“So are we gonna like, do dmt to rescue the shorty or what?” Doreen asked with a small smile.

Spider rolled her eyes as she took another drink of whiskey, “They’ll be just fine, I think.”

“That’s it?” Doreen’s smile morphed into a frown, and she stood up again, her tail twitching, “That’s all we can do?! We’re not gonna go n’ get her back?”

“What’s the point?” Spider said defeatedly. She sat on the front end of the t-bird to drink on the bottle.

“The point?!” Doreen replied incredulously, “Spider! We have to at least make sure she’s okay! Hobie was counting on us.”

Spider guiltily stared down at her feet, and muttered, “Yeah….well….he chose the wrong people.”

“Are you upset that you got hog tied?” Doreen titled her head, and pouted.

“Pfft.” Spider smiled mirthlessly, “We coulda taken him had you not decided to think with your twat and get all flirty with him, ya fuckin wench.”

“Hey!!” Doreen’s cheeks flushed red, “Don’t put the blame on me! You kept talking all that shit about beating him one-on-one. We also didn’t have much of a plan even though you said we did!”

“Ugh. Doreen.” Spider took another swig to get her buzz really going, and said flatly, “You’re supposed to be unbeatable.”

“I am unbeatable!! And I’m awesome! And you!” Doreen pointed at Spider, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but maybe you should ease up on the Ole Taylor and sober up!”

Spider’s mouth dropped as she gasped and raised her eyebrows, she rested one hand on her chest and her forehead wrinkled.
“Excuse me!! I’ll have you know that I am in complete control of myself and I can quit anytime just as much as I can start!”

Doreen huffed and said, “Maybe if you didn’t drink so much then you coulda beaten the big man and shorty would be with us right now, instead of with him and the dmt lady!”

Spider’s lips quivered and her hands shook as she took another swig of whiskey to drown the guilt.

“Oh there you go again!” Doreen crossed her arms, “There you go! You see! This is exactly why we got our nuts handed to us and this is why your niece doesn’t wanna live with you!”

Spider’s fist tightened around the bottle and it shattered in her hands. The whiskey dripped down her arm and onto the red dirt, and it evaporated immediately. Her lip curled and she gave Doreen the evil eyes, “That was a cheap shot and you know it. Ya better be glad you’re in the cage. Else I’d kick yer ass.”

“Oh yeah?!” Doreen was angry. “If you couldn’t beat the big man then ya definitely couldn’t beat me! You’d have a chance if you were sober.”

“It doesn’t matter if I’m sober or not. It will make not a damn difference.” Spider began to sway back and forth as the hot sun and her drunken stupor weighed down on her.

“Yeah it will! I’ve known ya a long time Spider! I remember when we were kids and ya had so much tenacity ya coulda ended this fight ‘fore it even started. And now look at ya! You’re tryin’ so hard to stand right now.”

Spider leaned back on the t-bird and slurred, “Yeah….welll….ffffuck youuuu…”

Doreen scoffed and turned around, putting her hands on her hips as she grimaced and grumbled to herself.

“HwaaT do you think yer doiiin? Ya squirrel beitch.” Spider slurred out again, her eyes half lidded.

Doreen continued to be silent.

“Hheeyyy! Don’t just ignore meeee!”

Doreen kept ignoring her as her tail twitched.

“THFuckIin playin’ silent tweetment..”

Doreen still ignored her.

“Fffine theEEnN! Bee dAT way.” Spider whined as she stared at Doreen.

A few more minutes passed, and Spider yelled while laying on the hood of the t-bird, “HEEYYy!!”

Doreen shook her head no, still set on playing the silent treatment.

“Heeeyyy!!” Spider yelled again.

Doreen closed her eyes to tune Spider out. Her brows creased deeply as she heard Spider say in garbled words,
“FFuck!!! DOrEeenN! ThhHere’s twooo Importent tHAngs I GuNna TELL Yuh! Hwwone! Yoo shuld open yer eyes cuz the fuggin’ cage ish gone! Sneckoned! THE FUCKIn flLights ‘er comin’ AAand we needa make a run for ittt!!!”

Doreen’s eyes shot open and she turned around to look up at the sky, and sure enough, Spider was right. Up in the sky were a dozen or so biplanes whirring through the air. The biplanes flew lower and she could clearly see the people manning the planes and some of them motioned to each other as they spotted Spider and Squirrel Girl. In this world, biplanes are simply called “flights” and planes with bombs, missiles, or guns are called “fuckin flights.”

Doreen called out to her squirrels while Spider pulled out a brick of cocaine from the center console. They all stared up at the fuckin flights for a moment, then scrambled underneath the T-Bird for cover. The co-pilots sitting in the cockpits of the flights aimed their twin-machine guns at them, firing off dozens of rounds at them, peppering the T-bird with bullets. They waited for the planes to fly past, but some of them descended lower and lower to fly back to them. Spider ripped open the cocaine brick and used one of the blades of her Swiss Army knife to snort some coke. She said to Doreen, “We’re fuuuucked. But I want ya to climb down the cliff while I distract ‘em for a moment.”

“But what about you?”

“Don’t worry about me.” Spider smiled wearily and nodded. “Get you n’ your squirrels to safety while I deal with ‘em.” The T-Bird shook as it was filled with more bullets and Doreen huffed, “Ugh! Fuck!”

Spider motioned for her to climb down the side of the cliff while she picked up the T-Bird and threw it at some of the flights. The T-Bird crashed into one plane and knocked the other off balance, and it careened into one of the plateaus and exploded. She looked around in a frenzy and ran the opposite way while raising her arms up in the air and flipping off the flights while yelling, “HEY YOU FUCKERS!! COme DoWN HERE N FIGHT ME!!”

She jogged clumsily while waving her arms about. She pretty much runs just like Jack Sparrow from Pirates of The Caribbean. The rest of the flights descended lower. Some of them aimed grenade launchers at her, and the grenades exploded around Spider. She dodged the grenades until some knocked her on her ass. She hacked and coughed, doing a barrel roll and standing back up to run. A few bullets hit her as she ran and she gritted her teeth and stood still, as one of them flew lower. Spider shot out a web and tugged the plane down. She used her weight to swing it around and let go, watching it careen off course and crash to the ground.

Spider kept running as more bullets and grenades reigned down. She found salvation by jumping up the side of one of the red plateaus, and crawled up into the mouth of a cave. She took refuge in the little cave. Spider’s chest rose and fell sporadically. She hyperventilated as she felt the warm blood from her bullet wounds trickle down her back, her tank top sticking to her skin. She shut her eyes for a moment and breathed in deeply. The quiet moment ended, about eight flights landed on the ground in front of the plateau. One of the pilots hopped out of the flight, and screamed in a high-pitched, scratchy voice,
“Come on out Spiiidderrrrr!” He pulled out a grenade launcher and laughed. One of the other pilots cackled and said, “We don’t really wanna kill ya but you’re gonna come out yer lil hidey-hole one way or the other.”

She rolled her eyes and face palmed, rubbing her eyes. She stood up and stumbled to the mouth of the cave and stared down at them. Her lip curled and she flipped off the main pilot when she saw him. He had his brown leather cap on, round goggles, and a long hooked leather beak extending from his mask. The other pilots also sported leather bird beak masks.
“Fuck you! Stupid ass Vulture! And the rest of ya fucks can shove your stupid bird beaks right up your asses!”

“We are the enlightened bird men!! And you shall treat us with respect, you dirty ugly spider!! You are lower than dirt!” Yelled one of them.

“If that’s true then why am I allll the way up here? Cuz y’all are allll down there.” She circled her index finger as she pointed at them, “So whose higher than who?!”

The Vulture aimed his grenade launcher at her, and screeched, “Filthy spider!!! Come down or meet president christ!!”

“Tch. Fuckkk.” Spider jumped down from her hiding place and faced Vulture. “Now what?”
She asked him, then she suddenly swung her fist to clock one of the bird masked pilots in the face as they attempted to electrocute her with a cattle prod. Another pilot pointed a revolver in her face. Click.

“No more!” He screeched.

Spider raised her hands in defeat. She was surrounded by too many armed people, and a large semi rolled up, with a metal cage in the back. They made her get into the metal cage and they locked it, securing it with a padlock. Spider grinned and chuckled, “You really think this rickety piece of shit is gonna contain me?”

Vulture grinned back, and took out a controller, turning a knob on the cage that released a shock of 50 volts from the floor. Spider jumped up immediately, trying to avoid the shock but her hair stood up as she got zapped anyways when her head hit the ceiling. She fell to the floor of the cage, and stood back up.

All of the bird beaked pilots squawked and screeched happily, and Vulture said raspily, “Look how high that bitch jumps!! Hahahaaaaaa!!!”

Spider sarcastically clapped her hands, and hissed at them, “Congratssss you bird fucks. Somehow ya figured out how to make a faraday’s cage. Or more likely, ya probably stole it from the mud men.”

Vulture and the others booed her as he turned up the dial to deliver a shock of 75 volts, and Spider got zapped again as she jumped up and smacked her head on the ceiling.
“Caaawww!!!” Screeched one.

Another bird pilot squawked, “Let’s peck the Spider’s eyes out!!”

Spider laid on the floor, moaning, “Me and my big mouth.”

Another semi truck with a cage pulled up. Doreen was sitting in the cage, and looked dejectedly at Spider. She said, “Well….At least we’re alive.”

Spider looked over at Doreen and said glumly, “We lost another battle. Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck meeee.”

“Oh don’t be so sad. We’ll find a way out of this. We always do.” Doreen said with a grin.

“Speak for yourself.” Spider rolled over and stared at the metal grating of the faraday’s cage, and the trucks started up and began to drive. The Vulture and his enlightened bird men took off in their bi-planes. The trucks drove north, not to LV, but to their main base. The home of the enlightened bird men cult, up near where Idaho used to be.

Chapter Text

The wilds up in former Idaho grew unrestrained. The rivers etched into the land, thick with cedars n’ fir trees. If not for the marauding factions of wild bird men and the like, one would think this land has went untouched by man for centuries. The tell-tale signs of mankind apparent from the well worn tread in the ground, and the camps all along the lakes and rivers. Deep within these woods n’ nestled between mountains and valleys lie the enlightened bird-men’s abode.

The ride to their base of operations was tumultuous. Spider was thrown around in her cage, like the little clownish Nemo when Darla shook him ‘round in the plastic bag, due to the rocky, uneven trails. Plus the bird-men got a kick outta shocking her every now and then. The jolts of electricity were a cruel reminder that Spider couldn’t get too comfortable, let alone sleep. Passing through thicker brambles n’ woods, Spider saw the turkey vultures gliding in circles above. Some of which responded to their owner’s call, flying down. Others settled in the trees, making their weird hissing bird call, which sounded like a jammed paper shredder. Landing their flights in an open field, the rest of the bird men gathered into their other vehicles, namely, their jeeps. Together they all drove to their destination. The Nest, as they call it.

A few days prior, Spider was huddled into a corner of the cage, and she yelled,
“Hey you bird fucks! Got any whiskey? I’m gettin’ the shakes here!!”
She wasn’t lying. She was laid there, her jaw clenched tight, shaking and chattering her teeth, curled up into the fetal position.

“Caaawwww!!! We do not carry that garbage!! ‘Tis the poison of the mudmen!!!“ One of the birdmen yelled from out cab of the semi.

“Soooo that’s a no?”

“Stupid stupid Spider!!” He shrieked, “Shut up!!!”

Zaaaaappp went the cage, and she hit the top of it again and fell over, still shaking from her withdrawals.

“FUCK!!!” She yelled, “What the fuck did I do?!”

“Haw-haw-haw-hawwww!!!” Him and the other birdmen in the cab laughed, and one said,
“The Spider still jumps!!”

“Ughhhhh.” She groaned, rubbing her head,
She laid on the floor of the cage and groaned.

Roaming in packs within this land were another genetic disaster. Or could it be a success? Depends on whose at the receiving end of it’s ferocity. Spider watched them running through the rocky crags, trailing way behind the vehicles. She shivered and shook as the DT’s set in further. Her molars ground together, and she could feel the muscles spasm in her jaw.

These creatures are simply called the Dires. They’re certainly not hideous like the poor chimera that are the Jersey Devils. Dires are intelligent, unfriendly, and fearless. At first, they resembled a jackal with a pit bull’s jaws and neck muscles. Their creators, who intended them to be more of a status symbol, bred them stocky with short, coarse, tawny-colored coats.

Their genetic material (or what’s left of it) was found from salvaging the bits of tissue beneath the ice in Siberia, and jackal DNA added to fill in the gaps. The resurrected creations revealed a disturbing truth. Dires have not an ounce of sociability that grey wolves have. Game Of Thrones was a complete and total lie. Dires are untrainable. Unloyal. Dires don’t just bite the hand that feeds them, they sever the hand from the wrist and swallow it whole. The genetic memories in their bones trudge up the unchanging, unforgiving, narrow lense of how they view man: prey.

Given time, they grew in length. The Dire’s muscles became streamlined instead of beefy, and their jaws narrowed. Their coats lightened in color, and they could easily be mistaken for a very large Dingo. Their genetic mishmash stayed relatively the same, since they couldn’t interbreed with the wolf-coyote-dog hybrids running amuck North America. The birdmen had to line their camps with pit traps and electric fences to keep them out. If dogs are man’s best friend and came from wolves, then Dires are one of man’s worst nightmares that come from hell. They don’t go for the neck when they attack. Dires attack like jaguars, and go straight for the head. Oftentimes they try to puncture the eyes first, then bite the back of skull.

The committee of birdmen settled into the Nest. It was simply a thick wooded area full of tree houses. The Vulture ordered them to set Spider n’ Squirrel-Girl’s cages in the middle of their gathering place. It was the late afternoon, and the rest of the birdmen assembled into a crowd, sitting down on logs or rocks. Spider looked all around and saw the birdmen chattering amongst themselves and laid back down the floor of the cage. Doreen sat up and whispered to her, “Psst. Hey! What are you doing?”

Spider muttered, “Oh you know….just laying here….doing the one thing I’ve been avoiding for a while….”

“Resting?” Doreen asked.

“No.” Spider groaned, “Thinking about my life…”

“Ohhhh…” Doreen curled her lip, “How’s that going?”

“Not so good.”

A shrill voice cut through the crowd, it was the Vulture, and the birdmen silenced themselves to hear what he had to say. He walked through the crowd, and they parted to make way for him as he walked up and stood in front of the cages. He wore a brown bomber jacket with vulture feathers up and down his arms to mimic wings. His pet Vulture clung to a leather gauntlet on his other arm. He opened his mouth wide to make his announcement, his jagged, cracked teeth were bright yellow, some of them brown.
“SCrawwwWww!!!!! Attention bird brothers!!! We have much to celebrate this year!!”

They all stood up, cawing and hooting in approval.

“The mudmen will know whose the superior species! They will shit their pants when we raid their camps and we will smite them all!!!”

They cawed again. The Vulture raised his hand to silence them,
“As you all may know, we’ve lost a few brethren. Some to the ravages of war. Our good birdman, Earl, was eaten alive by the Dires the other day when he went out to go take a shit. So as a reminder, never go alone! Always bring a buddy!”
They bowed their heads in reverence to poor Earl. One of them sniffled, “He was so young!”

“So! Let us honor our fallen birdmen! Their sacrifices will not go unrecognized! By the faith of the all-father we shall smite down the mud men!!! Cawwww!!!”

They cawed and squeaked some more, and then Vulture said,
“Take the prisoners to the altar!!!”

The birdmen picked up the cages and they all marched through a clearing. Spider and Squirrel-Girl saw a giant wooden owl with red ruby eyes. In front of it was a rectangular stone table. The birdmen piled kindling and sticks atop the stone altar and set the cages down next to it. They all stood in front, and Vulture announced yet again,
“We are the chosen ones!!! Let us give thanks to the almighty Moloch!! Our sacred all-father!!”

“Caaawwwww!!!!” They replied.

One of the birdmen read the plaque atop the owl god’s head, that said ‘Weaving spiders come not here.’
He turned to another birdman and asked, “Uhhh if weaving spiders ain’t supposed to come here then why did we bring a spider here?” He pointed at Spider-Hick.

“Screeeaakk! Don’t you dare question the ritual!!! These are worthy sacrifices to the all father!!!” Screeched Vulture.

Spider averted her gaze from the owl, and so did Doreen.

“What are you two doin? Praying?“ asked one of the birdmen.

“We’re averting our eyes from the abomination standing behind us.” Replied Spider.

“Craawk!! The sacred all father?” He replied.

“It’s a cursed owl that will spell your doom the longer ya look it in the eyes!” She snipped.

Outraged, he croaked, “Our god is sacred! We are not doomed! We are saved! Saved! Saved in the glory and grace of the all father owl!!!!”

“It’s got the evil eyes it ain’t sacred!” Doreen yelled.

The birdman pointed at them and cried, “Blasphemy! Blasphemer!!!!”

“Cawwwww! Crawwwkkk!!! Hail Moloch!! All hail Moloch caawww!!!” Another one croaked, jumping up a down.

“Screw yer lame ass god!” Spider flipped off the crowd and Doreen blew a raspberry at them all, and her squirrels shook their little fists at them too.

“And who is your god, Spider? The god of whiskey?!” Asked Vulture.

“Could be, hehe.” She chuckled lightly then shook her head, “Nah. I believe in many gods.”

He smugly grinned, and said, “There’s only one true father and he hates spiders!!”

“Yeah!!! Owls eat spiders!!” Clucked another birdman.

“Do they really?” Doreen asked.

“I don’t know….” He said in all seriousness.

“Oh yeah!” Spider haggardly grinned, “Well, my god, Grandma Spider will roast your owl god over a hot stove with a side of fry bread, bitch!” She hocked a loogie Vulture, the loogie flew through the metal grating of the cage and landed in front of his foot.

Vulture gasped, and shrieked, “I cannot hear anymore of your dirty vile blasphemy you-you Spider-bitch!!”

His reaction egged her on, and she raised her brows up and down, “In fact, she’ll spit out the owl meat and feed it to the dogs since it tastes terrible!!!”

“Scraawwwkkk!!! Such insolence! You will be the first sacrifice of the night, ugly spider!!!” Vulture pulled the controller to the cage out from his jacket pocket and pressed the button to deliver another zap to Spider’s cage, and it zapped her. She got up, her hair fried at the ends and her “No Ragrets” tank top was falling apart, burnt and ragged, and she said,
“Sacrifices? How original!” She scoffed, stumbling over, “God..you fucking cultists need to find a new gimmick.”

“Squawk are you squawkin’ about!?” One of them asked.

“Every other cult in this fucking world alwaaaays has to sacrifice people. Can one of y’all break the mold and do something different for once?” She sat back down.

“Like hwat?”

“I don’t know?! Teach people how to read or something?”

“That sounds squakin boring!!”

“Sacrifices build morale!!! Grawwwk!!!” Vulture said.

“Ugh. Y’all are hopeless.” She crossed her arms and sighed.

“Before we offer the sacrifices, let us sing Flocka Seagulls, bird brethren! The sacred song of the enlightened bird men!!” Vulture let his pet vulture flap away, and the committee of birdmen put their hands over their hearts and sang,

“I squawked along the avenue
I never thought I'd meet a bird like youuu
Meet a bird like youuu
With auburn feathers and tawny eyes
The kind of eyes that hypnotize me throuughhh
Hypnotize me throuugghh
And I flewww I flew so far awaayyy
I just flew, I flew alll night and day
I couldn't fly alwaaayyy!”

Spider laid back down on the floor of the cage while Doreen asked her, “How’re we gonna get out? My squirrels can’t chew this kinda cage.”

“I don’t know.” Spider apathetically said to her.

Doreen rolled her eyes, “Oh c’mon! You can’t give up now!”

“Sorry Doreen I’m all outta will power at the moment. Maybe this is my time. It’s the end of the road for me.”

“You can’t be serious.” Doreen glared at her.

“I wish I was joking.” She closed her eyes, and tuned out the crowd.

The flames of the altar picked up, as the setting sun and the thick woods caused area to grow darker.
“Brethren!!! Carraaawwwk! Tis the time to enjoy ourselves!! Be merry and let’s flap our wings before the first ritual!!” Vulture crowed, and some birdmen brought out an old record player connected to two giant speakers and put on a record. They dropped the needle and Surfin Bird began to play while they all passed around bags of fried mealworms coated in bbq seasoning, munching on them and dancing to the music, some singing along,

“A-well everybody heard about the bird
B-b-b-bird bird, bird, b-bird’s the word!
A-wella bird bird bird! b-birds the word!!”

“Hell on earth…” Spider muttered as she curled up into a ball and covered her ears.
“I fucking hate this song.”

Unbeknownst to the birdmen, many of the mudmen circled around their nest, wearing gillie suits. They covered their faces in mud and hid in the thickets and brambles, keeping an eye on them with their binoculars.

The birdmen, having too good of a time, failed to notice the mudmen coming closer n’ closer, and one of them gave the signal, signing with their hand. In accordance, the mudman on the other side of the nest tossed a Molotov cocktail in the midst of the birdmen party to cause confusion n chaos. The cocktail exploded, setting some birdmen on fire as they ran around screeching. The other birdmen screamed, “Bakaawwwka!!!! Enemy ambush!!! Enemy ambush!!”

They scrambled to get their grenade launchers, but the mudmen opened fire on them with their rifles, killing some.
“We’re coming to fuck you all up!!! Gar garrr!!!” Yelled the mudmen.

Spider said to Doreen, “Lay down! Lay down! And get yer squirrels to stay down too!”
They all laid flat on the cages, covering their heads while the gunfire ensued. The birdmen launched grenades at the mudmen, and they retaliated with more gunfire. Some gutted the birdmen with bayonets, other birdmen overpowered a few mud men and stabbed their eyes out.
A mudman set fire to the Moloch statue, yelling, “Garrrr!!! Our God’s dick is bigger than yours!!”

“Squawk you!!!” Yelled a bird man as he tried to stab that mudman.

“If you’re feeling doomed it’s because our god will shit on your god! Screeeeech!!!” Cried a birdman as he shot some mudmen.

“Gar gaarrrr suck my balls!” Yelled another mudman right before he got shot.

“Crawwkkk!!! Fuck you filthy mudmen!!!” Screeched Vulture. He climbed up in one of the crow’s nests high up in the trees and he pulled out a rocket launcher, firing it at the mudmen.
Kabooom!!
Some mudmen got blown into smithereens. The carnage caused Spider to fight her withdrawal funk. Especially when she heard some of the mudmen yell,
“You tried to take our women!! Garrrr!!! You dumb birdmen will suffer!” As they pointed at Spider and Squirrel-Girl.

“Oh god…” She muttered as she rubbed her eyes and shook her head. The burning owl god started to crumble. “Okay. Okay. Maybe I do have a will to live. I’ve had enough of this shit.”

She tore open the faraday’s cage, getting electrocuted until the ends of her hair were even more fried and some of her web shooters exploded. Covered in more boo-boo’s n burns, she ripped open Doreen’s cage. Doreen and her squirrels got out, and they ducked down to avoid the bullets, Doreen whispered to Spider, “We should take to the trees, yeah?”

Spider nodded in agreement, and they quickly ran away, crawling off the altar and climbing up the trees. Doreen hopped from tree to tree while Spider used her webs to swing. Her senses went off, and she dropped to the ground to avoid an exploding rocket that felled the tree. She saw Vulture, who pointed down at her, “Scraawwk!!! Don’t think you’re coming outta this one alive!!” He aimed his grenade launcher again so Spider shot him in the eyes with her webbing and jumped up the tree, crawling into the crow’s nest. She grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and ripped the launcher out of his hands and threw it. She socked him in the jaw, “This is for electrocuting me!”

Wham!

She socked him again, “And this is for trying to sacrifice me n my friend!”

Thwack!!

She punched him one more time, “And this is cuz I’m not havin’ a good time!!”

Bam!

She threw him off the crow’s nest. He fell to the ground with a thud, and she swung through the trees to catch up with Doreen. They made it a good distance away from the battle, the sounds of grenades and rockets thundered through the forest along with the commotion. The girls caught their breath, and Spider said, “We gotta keep goin’ a bit longer then we’ll rest.” Doreen agreed.

They kept swinging and jumping through the trees until the battle sounds faded even more. Spider crawled down the tree and found an abandoned base camp. There were some fresh corpses strewn around the camp, and Spider searched them for supplies. She a lighter, some razors and other items. Rain started to pour down, so she took the camo ponchos off the corpses too.
She used the ponchos to make an overhead cover, up in a tree with Doreen. Along with the squirrels, they all huddled under the makeshift shelter while the rain pattered atop the poncho covers. Spider couldn’t rest, so she took out a razor.
“Hey Doreen?”

“Yeah?” She replied with a small grin.

“Can ya do me a solid?” Spider held up the razor, and handed it to Doreen. “I think I need a fresh new cut, huh?“

Doreen snickered, “Yeah, I think so too.”
She cut all the fried hair off of Spider, shaving the sides but leaving a strip of hair running from the front to the back, making a Mohawk mullet. She left a small strand of hair near the back at Spiders request. Spider braided that strand of hair, and said, “Good job! You’ve always been good at cuttin’ hair.”

Doreen said, “Thank ya kindly.” Then she stared down at the ground. “You think we should find a way to call for help?”

Spider sighed, “For now, we’ll take turns resting. Right before sunrise we’ll go further. There might be more abandoned camps ahead, one of ‘em might have a radio.”

“Got it.”

Spider ripped off shreds of her tank top, and wet them in the rain, then wrapped them around some of her burns that were all over her arms and legs.

Before sunrise, the girls set off again. Spider ran out of webbing so she jumped tree to tree with Doreen, and they searched for more abandoned camps. Every camp they came across didn’t have a radio, so there went that idea. Doreen crawled all the way to the top of a tree, and spotted a large fort, surrounded by a wall of sharpened stakes and palisades all around. At the main gate were a group of mudmen. With that knowledge, they changed their plan.
“We’re gonna infiltrate the mudmen camp, and then we’re gonna radio for help. Or take one of their jeeps. Or both. I just hope they have something useful in there.” Spider drank some water from a canteen she found.

“How are we gonna get through tho?” Doreen tilted her head, while eating some blackberries that her squirrels found.

“That’s easy. We’re gonna dress like em.”

“OoOoh a disguise.” Doreen said elatedly.

They stripped a few corpses of their gillie suits and covered their faces in mud and practiced their best mudmen voices. The girls, in their disguises approached the front gate of the mudmen fort. The mudmen guarding the front noticed them and said, “Hault!!

They stood still and the mudman asked them, “What is the secret password?”

Their eyes widened, and Spider said,
“Uhhh….gar-gar?”

The mudman laughed heartily, throwing his head back, “Hahahaaa!!!!”
Then he stopped and glared at them, “Wrong!”

Doreen responded, “Graaa!! It’s been a terrible night for both of us! Those damn birdmen!!” She shook her fist, “We barely survived.”

“Yeah!!” Spider added, “Cut us some slack!”

The mudman seemed convinced for a moment but then he said, “I’ll ask one more time, what is the secret password?”

“It’s garrr garrr fuck the birdmen!” Doreen said.

“No! I’ll give you one more chance, what is the secret password?”

“Uhhh…is it mudmen?”

The mudman pointed his rifle at her, “Garrr!! You cannot pass without knowing the sacred password garrrr!!!”

The other mudman growled,
“The secret password isssss….BUTTHOLE!!!”

“Sooo butthole?” Doreen said.

The mudmen also pointed his rifle at them and said, “Graaaaaa!!! You two are not mudmen!!!

Suddenly a bunch of mudmen emerged from spider holes in the ground around the fort and pointed their guns at them. The girls raised their arms in defeat. Yet again, they found themselves tossed into a cage, but this time they were caged together in a dungeon in the middle of their fort camp. They were stripped of the gillie suits, and they took Spider’s utility belt.

“Are y’all gonna be like the bird fucks n’ sacrifice us to some stupid giant idol?” Spider asked the mudmen.

One of them grumbled, “You and the squirrel shall have a greater purpose! You two shall be used for…..breedin’ stock!!”

Doreen and Spider immediately wore a look of disgust, and Doreen yelled at them, “No the fuck we won’t!!!”

“Out of the frying pan and into the fire…” Spider smacked her forehead and gritted her teeth.

“It’s gonna happen!!! Garrrr! We need more mudmen!!!” Smiled one of them.

“I wouldn’t be a good candidate for that nonsense for many good reasons.” Spider held up an index finger “The most important being is that I only have one ovary! And it’s probably pickled from all the drinking I’ve done.”

“Yeah!” Doreen responded, “Me neither! I’m already a mother to squirrels, not skin puppies!”

Another mudman shook his head, and said, “Women r’ women and we need more mudmen garrrrr!!!”

“Aaaand you know what?” Spider’s nostrils flared as she gripped the bars of the cage, “Fuck you guys, not for real tho, cuz that’s what you’d want. But from the bottom of my heart, fuck you all.”

“Garrr!!! Shut yer mouths, women!!!” The mudman harshly growled at them.

“You’ve officially made it to my shitlist.” Spider pointed at him, “When I get outta this cage I’m gonna shove my foot so far up your ass you gonna be spittin toe nails.”

Doreen did a fist pump and said, “Yeah!! Now that sounds more like it!!”

“We’re gonna wreck their shit.” Spider said to her, “Balls to wall.” Then smiled toothily.

“Balls to the wall!” Doreen exclaimed.

Spider ripped the cage open, tearing the bars off. She escaped the cage and swung one of the bars into the mud man that said they’d be used for breedin stock and knocked his teeth out, then drop kicked him into another mudman. Doreen lunged at one of them and pulled his poncho over his head and knee’d him in the gut. The mud men all dropped what they were doing and the ones that had guns aimed at them. Spider and Doreen ran for cover as the bullets came raining down, and they hid behind one of their cargo trucks.

Spider was feeling quite irritated at them all, and picked up the truck, throwing it at a group of armed mud men, and it squashed them. She and Doreen jumped to the top of the walkway that surrounded the fort, and she said to the mudmen while cracking her knuckles,
“I ain’t got my web shooters. I ain’t got my ciggy’s. And worst of all, I don’t got my whiskey. Y’all are gonna feel every ounce of my sober rage.”

“Garrrr!! You’re mistaken, Spider! You see-“ A mudman adjusted his bolt action rifle, “You n’ miss squirrelly are our bitches now.”

“We are nobody’s bitch. You all-“ she pointed down at them, then pointed to herself. “Are ours.” She motioned for them to come and fight, and like that, the mud men swarmed Spider and Squirrel Girl and they fought them off in a flurry of fists and rage. She dug through the pockets of one of them and produced a pack of cigarettes and their lighter. She lit up a cigarette and puffed on it while wiping her bloody knuckles off on her web patterned tights.

The birdmen weren’t done yet, and while the girls fought, they had jumped over the fort and invaded it, and some of the flights overhead came, firing more bullets at the mudmen. Seizing the opportunity, Doreen and Spider snuck out of the fort while the Birdmen and Mudmen continued their war, and they ran downhill.

They made it into a deep valley. Doreen’s squirrels caught up with them, and while they stopped running, and took a moment to res, a cargo truck rolled up, and out hopped two mudmen. Spider readied herself for another fight, but the mud men raised their hands to show surrender. They took off their gillie suits and wiped the mud away. Spider and Doreen breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well shit y’all came back for us?!” Spider tiredly remarked.

“How did ya know were out here?” Doreen asked.

“Word travels fast, you know.” Tater said.

Spider sat down on the ground, “Well I’ll be damned!”

“Don’t just sit there, get in the truck, we need to move ‘fore them bird people n’ mudwads come git us.” Goblin said.

A pack of Dires sniffed the ground and one of them dragged around a severed arm as they watched the group, Doreen saw them. “Yeah, I second that motion.”

Chapter Text

The cargo truck hustled n' bustled through the holler n' out the valley. Reaching the top of a grassy hill, more trouble seemed to lay ahead. Dozens of repurposed M67 Zippo tanks with napalm throwers rolled up and aimed at them. Manning the tanks were members of the Guy Fieri cult. All of 'em wore sunglasses, had spiky hair with frosted tips, and the goatees to go along with. One of 'em yelled, "GET READY TO BE TAKEN TO FLAVOR TOWN!" as he pointed the napalm thrower at them.

Spider belted, "Aw ya gotta be shittin' me!"

Tater slammed his fists down on the steering wheel and stopped the truck, muttering, "It's them rollin' fucks". As he hopped out the truck. Rolling fucks are just another name for the Zippo tanks in this world.

Gobby hopped out with him, and Spider panicked, grabbing his arm, "What the hell are y'all doin?!" He smirked, and said, "They're aight once they see who we are." They waved their arms jumping up and down, Tater yelled at 'em, "HEY!! HEY!! Don't fire at us!! Don't ya'll 'member us?!"

The Guy Fieri member blinked several times then grinned, "Oh hey fellas! Ya'll got your buddies back from the mudmen?"

"How the hell did ya'll make peace with those guys? Give 'em a bucket of grease?" Spider asked as she hopped out.

Gobby proudly recalled, "Nah. When you were gone, I had to find another outlet for my temper. I knew I went too far when I tried to shove a grenade down Farmer Fran's throat."

Spider shook her head, "Oh, thats where ya went too far huh? Not the time ya stabbed out my ovary?"

He pursed his lips, n' replied, "Ya know good n' well ya dared me to do it."

"Look here" She sniffed, "All I said was ya didn't know what they are or where they're located and you were all like, 'yes I do' and I said, 'prove it' and what did ya do? Ya dun went and stabbed one of 'em out." She pointed at the scar across her hip.

"Well anyways" Goblin sadistically giggled a little, "Back to what I was sayin', I found my newest outlet. Velvet paintings. Made all kinds. The Fieri's really like the ones where President Christ is ridin' a Harley n' shootin' his revolver at the Devil, with Elvis riding next to him waiving the 'merican flag. Or the ones with the fried twinkie n' oreo still lifes. Oh!" He pointed at another tank, "Behold my magnum opus." Spider looked at the dream catcher dangling off the side of the tank, "I made a velvet painting-dream catcher combo, see there, I painted Sittin' Bull smokin' the peace pipe with Nixon."

"Pretty nice." Spider whistled.

Doreen said, "Oh! I want one! But can ya make it a Marilyn Monroe squirrel furry?!"

"You betcha!" Goblin replied.

"My favorite's the one ya did where Betty Boop motorboats Jessica Rabbit." Tater added.

"Well gobless." She replied, "Now are they gonna let us pass?" She asked Tater. He was about to reply, but suddenly the roaring of engines rumbled n' bumbled and the Fieri's went back to manning the tanks as they shouted, "Watch out! We got company!!"

Up rolled a mix of repurposed cargo trucks, rebuilt Ford Pinto's, Cadillacs, n' El Caminos, with gatling guns n' the like mounted to the tops. One of drivers sat up and flipped off the Fieri's, belting, "L.I.M.P Bizkit right here!!! Keep on rollin' babbyyyy!!" Him and the other drivers all wore red hats turned backwards with a baggy white T and a gold chain with a big cross pendant. The biggest was a truck with nothing but large speakers mounted atop blasting, "This time ima' stand up and shout! Ima do things my way! It's my way! My way or the highway!" In the center of the speakers was an unfortunate, degenerating clone of Fred Durst tied up there. He had a lil stump with some fingers wiggling about and a fully formed arm with his legs all bent. He coughed up blood, gargling "AAagh..GOd leFT MeE UNfiNIshed." One of his eyeballs dangled out the socket while a bird pecked at it.

Spider was so fed up, she grumbled and kicked the tire of the cargo truck, "No! No NO! NOO! No more! No more fucking cuuullttssss!"

The Fred Durst clone gurgled, "PleAAseE KiIlL MeEE."

Tater fished out a few web shooters and some cartridges from a bag that one of the Fieri's quickly handed him, and he tossed them to Spider. She gladly put them on and reloaded the shooters, "Damn buddy I can't thank you enough."

"Don't thank me, yet, we gotta get out of this shitfest." He replied as they all fled and got behind the Fieri tanks while the Fred Durst cult kept egging on the Fieri's until some flying fucks from the Birdmen Cult flew over and dropped bombs. The Fieri's retaliated by shooting their napalm flame throwers at the lower biplanes. One of 'em got sprayed with the napalm pretty good n' crashed. The Fieri who downed the flying fuck chuckled heartily, "Now that's one helluva dive!"

The Fred Durst's fired back at the flying fucks till they got accosted by the incoming mudmen who fired at 'em with grenade launchers, and one of 'em shouted, "GarRR!! Gar! Your music sucks ass!!"

The gatling gun atop the Pinto went "BRATATATATAA!" As the Fred Durst firing it yelled, "You wanna mess with Limp Bizkit? You can't mess with Limp Bizkit!!"

Some mudmen and Fred Durst's ran around covered in napalm, getting roasted to death as more flying fucks rained down bullets and bombs. A group of Dires capitalized on the opportunity and dragged a few roasting Durst's away, disembowling them, not giving a single shit about the napalm. Some rollin' fucks exploded, while Spider and the rest of the gang n' the squirrels ran further past the Fieri tanks to get away from the carnage. The cargo truck they had used was already blown up by the crossfire, and Spider jumped over to one of the armored cadillacs and threw one of the Fred Durst members out while rest of the group hopped in as they drove off. A mudman jumped onto the hood of the Cadillac and said, "Ya'll ain't goin' anywhere GaRRR!!" Spider grimaced and hit the brakes but he still hung on, and Tater said, "Hey! I know you!" He pointed at him. The mudman stared at Tater closer, and said, dropping the mudman voice, "Ned? Ned Leeds?! That you?! How's it goin man?"

Tater replied, "Oh ya know, I go by Tater now. But i'm livin' the dream. Trying not to get blown up n' all that."

The mudman chuckled, "I see that."

"So ya joined the mudmen huh?" He asked.

"Well I mean, they got free shelter and they can get me heroin." The mudman shrugged.

Spider hit the gas and the mudman slid off the hood, the Cadillac going "KA-THUNK-KA-THUNK" as it ran over him. Tater said, "Hey! We were talkin!"

"Them fuckers wanted to fuck me n' Doreen! To hell with 'em!" She screeched as she drove faster.

A few miles past the war, and Tater piped up, feeling guilty, "Ya think we should go back n' help the Fieri's?"

Spider frowned as she concentrated on driving, "Why for?"

"They're pretty nice for a cult. I feel a little bad about ditching them."

"Yeah, I kinda feel the same way." Goblin chimed in.

"I 'spose they might could use the help?" Doreen asked.

"Yanno what guys? This is one of them situations where ya gotta ask yourselves-" Spider lit up a cigarette and puffed on it while steering with the other hand, "Is this my mail? And ya know wot? This ain't my mail. And this don't gotta be your mail either."

An awkward silence passed, the smell of napalm lingered around until Spider spoke up again, "Now where did ya'll hide the megamobile? Or did ya'll come out here without?"

"We hid it out over there." Tater pointed to a big ass farm full of cannabis and poppy flowers. She drove further up to the farm.

"This actually belongs to them Fieri's." Goblin quietly said.

"They were gonna give us some." Tater muttered.

Spider hit the breaks, and rubbed her temples, groaning. "Why do ya'll gotta guilt me like this?"

"I didn't say nothin'." Doreen piped up.

Goblin smirked, "None of us said ya had to help."

"Yeah, we understand you've been through it, and our friendly neighborhood Spider just don't have it in her to help right now." said Tater.

"She's allll spent." Whispered Goblin

"Lost her grit." Doreen added.

"Knackered, chewed up, n' spat out." Tater said while cracking up.

Spider rolled her eyes and growled at them, "Quit guilt tripping meeee!!!!"

They all chuckled some while Spider clenched her teeth, "UgHUGHH!!"

"Damn, calm down it aint that bad." Tater said, while patting her shoulder.

"I'm just trying to thiiiiink!" Spider whined, "It hurts to think. But now I have an idea.''

She told them the plan, and together they all cut down the cannabis plants and gathered as much as they could. Spider wrapped them into bundles with her webs, webbing them to the top of the Cadillac, and webbed bundles to the back of the dirt bikes they got from the bottom deck of the megamobile. They drove back to the war zone on the dirt bikes and the Cadillac, peering down at the fiery chaos from atop of the hill.

Goblin revved his dirt bike and said "Time to get these fuckers high."

The breeze worked in their favor, and Spider took down the bundles and piled them atop the hill, setting heaps of them on fire. The downwind blew the smoke into the war zone, the smell of the burning cannabis intermingled with the napalm stench. Doreen stoked the flames while Spider got in between two of the tallest trees at the top of the hill, and shot two webs out that attached to the very top of them. She tied a web around her waist, which was also tied to the handlebars of Goblin's dirt bike. Holding onto the two web ropes, she had Goblin scoot the dirtbike back to increase the tension, making a human slingshot. When she felt the tension was good 'nuff, and the tops of the trees started to bend, she had Tater cut the web loose with a knife and she flew up into the air and stuck to one of the flyin' fucks. Spider ripped the wings off the bi plane and jumped to another one mid-air, and crawled to the front, dismantling the machine guns. One by one she took out all the flying fucks n' fell back down, landing atop a rollin' fuck, as the red-eyed Fieri manning the tank gave her a thumbs up.

The mudmen fled as Goblin weaved through the tanks, tossing grenades at 'em left n right. The Fred Durst's got so high they forgot why they were even fighting to begin with and drove away, leaving just the gang and the Fieri's. The Fieri's thanked Spider n' her friends, and finally, they drove back to the where the megamoblie was hidden, which was behind one of the barns of the cannabis-poppy farm. After loading everything up, the gang drove back east, to their home, and Spider could finally rest a little easier.

Chapter Text

They all made it back to their home in one piece and without incident. Doreen went back to the deep woods with her squirrels. A few days after getting settled n' rested, they went to help their neighbor clean up. Within the thick, humid, southern woods, Spider, Tater, n' Goblin peered down at the maggot covered bodies impaled on sharpened, shit covered, wooden stakes at the bottom of one of Farmer Fran's booby traps.

"Well dayum, Farmer Fran. Ya didn't havta go that hard on 'em." Tater whistled as he covered his nose with a peppermint oil soaked cloth to drown out the smell of cooked stanky corpse.

Farmer Fran rasped in between puffs of his tobacco pipe. The smell of rotten long pig didn't phase the old cajun one bit. "Had ta. They gon' come n' threaten muh homestead n' try ta take mah crop."

"Shouldt've crossed ya. Only problem I got is the landmines ya planted all over." Goblin remarked.

"I sorry don't memba where all da mines went. Forgot to make a map." Farmer Fran replied.

"Almost lost a leg, Fran." Tater reminded him, showing the burnt ends of his pants and the bandage around his thigh. Spider had pulled out a piece of shrapnel earlier and cauterized the wound with a blowtorch.

Farmer Fran gripped the straps of his overalls, "Yeah, but it's wat I had ta do when ya'll were gone."

"Do ya know how long it took for 'em to die?" Spider asked him.

Farmer Fran thought for a moment, "Don't know. Didn't stand 'round ta watch."

"From the looks of the one on the left, under a minute. Now the poor sucker on the other side-" Goblin pointed at the swollen maggoty body, "from the way they landed on the spike, it seems to have missed the arteries and important internal organs, so I'd say uhhhh-" Goblin rubbed his chin, "Coulda been an hour."

"Well that sucks for them." Spider said while taking a swing from a whiskey bottle.

"Ya want us to just bury them?" Tater asked Fran.

"Do whateva, jus' make it ta where they fly's go 'way." Fran waved his arm, to keep the annoying insects out of his face.

The gang collected some supplies to help with body disposal.

"The Fieri's gave us their personal recipe for napalm." Tater told Spider as he got out a plastic bucket.

"But we already got our own." She retorted.

"It's one of them things where everyone's got their mixture for the stuff." Goblin said while unscrewing the cap to a metal tin of paint thinner.

Tater poured diesel, gasoline and old motor oil into the plastic bucket. "My grandpappy called this stuff jungle jelly. Or jungle jam."

They all three snickered.

"Probably went good spread on toast." Spider said.

Goblin replied, "I'd want mine with a monte cristo."

"Or use it for them jam cookies." Tater added.

Gobby poured some of his paint thinner into the mix, and Spider added broken up pieces of styrofoam. Gobby stirred the mixture around.

"Now the Fieri's said we gotta add cornstarch to make it good n' sticky. They said styrofoam is okay, but cornstarch is what makes it stick n' burn longer. So lets find out." Tater said, and then he poured a jar of cornstarch into the bucket and Goblin stirred it round some more.

They poured three gallons of the napalm concoction through an aluminum funnel into the fuel tank, and strapped that tank into the backpack. They strapped the co2 tank filled with propane alongside it, and connected the hoses and the battery unit.

"You get the honors, Spider." Tater handed the assembled napalm-thrower to her.

"Don't mind if I do." She said, relishing the experience. She donned the thrower and clicked the backpack straps together and tightened them. She pulled her mask and goggles over her face, and slightly squatted while aiming the torch at the corpses as she chuckled maniacally. Spider pressed down on the trigger, igniting the torch. The torch hissed and puffed, spurting out flames like a dragon. The mix of napalm fuel and propane stuck to the bodies and roasted them. They could've just buried the bodies but this way was funner.

"WHOOoo-EEIIEEE!!" Whooped Goblin. "Look at that flame!! Shit! This is some powerful stuff!"

"Shit smells 'bout as ripe as the bodies too." Tater covered his nose with the cloth again while watching.

Spider felt pretty fulfilled, "I could do this all dayum day."

After roasting the bodies and burying them, the gang burnt away the brush on Farmer Fran's property n' helped him clear out a field.

Later, they went back to their own property. Spider was drinking away on Tater's latest batch of whiskey, recounting some more of her escapades 'round the napalm-fueled bonfire.

"Pffft. Which is it? Flyin' fucks or fuckin' flights?" Tater asked.

"It's just whatever ya wanna call them." Spider slurred while coughing.

"And ya got your ass kicked by him too?!" Goblin asked her.

"That sumbitch had the upper hand to begin with."

Gobby and Tater busted out laughing.

"NAh. ya got yer 'hine end handed to ya is wot happened." Tater cackled.

Spider got defensive and clicked her tongue, "Tchhhh. Just know I wasn't ready ta quit when he left."

That night, Tater was sharpening some of his knives in his cabin when he heard the radio go off. He answered the latest call and stumbled out the cabin, and yelled at Spider,
"Connie wants to talk to ya!"

Spider was laid up in her hammock and rubbed her eyes. The sweat that she accumulated from the day's activities stung her eyes and she mumbled, "Tell her i'm dead."

Tater waltzed back into his cabin but came out quickly, hanging onto the door, "She ain't buyin' it."

Spider whined n' wailed, "I don't wanna talk to CONNiieEEE!! Can't stand the woman! WaaIAAGhh!"

"You need ta say something to her cuz I refuse to be the messenger."

Farmer Fran woke up to the sound of them, and sat up in his lawnchair. "Tell Connie if she wants anotha' husband I'm right here."

"You wouldn't survive Connie." Spider quipped.

"Don' matta. I'm up to tha challenge." Farmer Fran said.

"I beg of you Spider, just say something to humor her!" Tater pleaded.

Spider got out of her hammock and groaned very loudly while pulling her mullet-hawk hair. "FUCK."
She walked into the cabin to answer Connie's call, and heard the old woman's voice fizzle and snap though the speaker.

"I gotta ghatdamn critter in muh gator farm and it keeps asking for Spider-Man n' says it 'gon kill him. But i says- we don't got no Spider-Man so kindly fuck off!
Git over here n' git it outta mah swamp right damn now!!!" Connie blathered. Her voice was a shrill grating banshee-like horror. It sounded like she smoked since she was two and gargled asbestos every night.

Spider crossed her arms, one hand gripping the receiver. "Wow that sure is something, Connie."

"I saw it a first an' thought, hey! This one fine hunka' man! Then i saw the rest of it an' i says, nevamind. Ain't foolin' 'round wit dat!"

"Oh dayum." Spider sighed.

"It's doin a weird thing where it warps n' wiggles like it's havin' the meth shakes. Can ya get it outta mah swamp? It keeps askin' for spidah-man! An' it won't listen ta me!!"

Spider groaned loudly and laid her head on the wood desk, hands covering her head.

She heard Connie fumbling around, and Connie yelled, "Git the hell out mah swamp, goddamnit!!"

Connie loaded up her twelve gauge n' it went "CHIK-CHIK!"

The rounds fired, "BLAM-BLAM!"

A moment of silence passed, then Connie screeched, "Why won't ya dieeee!!!"

"CHIK-CHIK!"

"BLAM-BLOW!"

Connie spoke into the receiver again, "Spider it aint dyin. Come git this thing outta here!" It's makin my gators nervous!"

Spider didn't answer her. Connie spoke up again. "Fugg it. Third time's tha charm!"

CHIK-CHUK!

BLAM-BLAM!!!

"Nope. Still won't die."

Spider took another chug of whiskey and sighed more. "That sucks, Connie. It really does. I wish ya well on yer endeavors."

Connie gasped and squalled, "Don't yew gimme that bullshit! Yer daddy woulda come down n' helped me and I know-"

Spider turned the radio off. "Uh-uh. I'm done with that."

Tater furrowed his brows, "Aint ya gonna help her? Sounds like another amonalee?"

"She can deal with it." Spider quickly snipped.

"Oh don't be like that. Ain't it yer 'sponsibility?"

Spider swigged her whiskey, "Sponsiblity my ass."

"But it means them other spiders are gonna show up." Tater reminded her.

Her ears perked when he said that. The reminder revived her with a burst of energy and a wicked idea.
"That's right. Them spider-twats are gonn show up huh?"
Spider rubbed her palms together. She grinned toothily, conniving a grand scheme. "This is my chance. My chance ta get even with the blue bastard."
She stood up suddenly, and faced Tater. "It's time for a rematch. Retribution is here. I'm gonna avenge the shorty, but mostly myself."

Spider bench-pressed the megamobile for a few sets to prepare herself for the trip. She dig leg curls with Farmer Fran's tactors too. Then she took a dozen farm eggs and cracked each egg into her mouth, gulping the raw, gooey yolk n eggwhites whole. Then she put on a thicker set of pants with the same web pattern and a new ripped up shirt and slipped on a pair of boots and buckled her spare utility belt into place. Lastly, Spider filled the pouches of the belt with her essentials: web cartridges, blunts, a baggy of cocaine, various hunting knives, cigarettes, and lighters.

The gang packed up their shit and loaded it up into the jeep. They headed southeast, to the land called Flo-Rida, where Connie and her gator farm is located. It's 12 hour ride not including the stops.

That sumbitch ain't gon' know what hit 'em. Spider thought to herself as she smoked a ciggy, the mud in the tire tracks splattered all over the jeep as it powered through.

Chapter Text

They reached the wetlands of Flo-Rida. Their neck of the woods was already humid and moist, but riding on into Flo-Rida, that mucky, stuffy feeling where your skin feels all clammy and oily and your clothes feel wet worsened. Mosquitos buzzed around their ears n’ june bugs smacked into the windshield. Their jeep powered through the muddy winding trails. Flo-Rida is pretty much the same as it always was even when there was a country. There’s still plenty of wetlands fulls of gators, python’s, monitor lizards n’ the like. Plus wallaby’s, monkeys, tigers, jaguars, you name it, it’s all up in here. Sasquatch’s cousin, the skunk ape, still treads around the swamps. He’s even stinkier, but he’s a real nice, chill dude. He’ll pull yer truck out from the mud if it gets stuck. Deep into the night is when they got close to Connie’s gator farm. Within the everglades, Spider held onto the grab handles to keep steady with the bobbing jeep as flecks of mud sprinkled around. The headlights danced across the trail, and briefly illuminated a nearby ditch. She narrowed her eyes when she saw a flash of white.

Tater was too focused on driving, so Spider nudged Gobby, who stirred out of his daze and he said, “What?”

“Do y’see it?” She whispered to him and nodded her head in the direction of it. He looked that way, and saw it. It was crouched down with it’s bald head buried in it’s knobby knees and spindly arms wrapped around., staying very still. The hands and feet seemed disproportionately large compared to its emaciated frame. The only sign of life was it’s ribcage pressing up against the transparent, chalky skin as it breathed every so shallowly.

Goblin whispered to Spider, “That’s a crawler, ain’t it?”

“Yeah.” She replied.

They stared at it as the jeep bobbed up and down a hill that obscured their view. They turned around in their seats to search for it, but it was gone. At the end of the long trail was a wooden dock surrounded by thick long grass full of stagnant water crawling with wildlife. Tied to the post was a fifteen foot swamp boat. The gang jumped out of the jeep and stretched their limbs. They also took a smoke n’ a piss break ‘fore they fired up the boat engine. Spider walked back to the dock after taking her piss in the woods and she saw Tater lookin’ all spooked as he frantically unpacked the stuff in their jeep. ”We need to load up now.” He said while tossing some duffel bags into the boat with Goblin already in it.

“What’s eating you?” Spider got some of her own shit out the jeep and tossed it into the boat.

“You kept calling my name when ya left.” He replied while boarding the boat.

“I wasn’t calling your name at all.” Spider replied with her arms crossed.

“Exactly, let’s get the fuck out.” Tater ordered.

They finished loading the boat n’ flipped on the flood lights, making their way across the swamp and weaving around the trees and logs. A few minutes passed by, and they all felt like they were being watched closely. Small, hollow voices intermingled with the frogs and chirping crickets. Some whispers called their names in a childlike, playful manner while some voices were more sad and whimpering but with a mocking undertone. “I do not have good feeling ‘bout any of this shit.” Spider whispered to them as her eyes darted all around the swamp.

“Get the goggles.” Tater said to Goblin, who unzipped a backpack and pulled the night vision gear out. He put donned the headgear and searched the glades while the boat kept gliding through. Swallowing dryly, Gobby kept looking around to see spot hostiles or the source of the noise. Way deep beyond the swamp, bounding in between trees was a deer that suddenly stopped. It hid behind a tree and in a comical manner slowly peaked out from behind the tree. It gazed back at Gobby and he held his breath. Turning it’s ears forward, it stared him deep in the eyes with an unblinking thousand mile stare with lightless black eyes. “UggUG..” Groaned Goblin.

“What do ya see?’ Spider asked him.

The deer kept staring at Goblin. It’s face seemed so uncanny and the corners of the it’s mouth turned down. The deer’s head gradually rose up, and Gobby’s focus was on the eyes until it’s head kept rising too much. He looked down and saw that it was standing on it’s back legs. Goblin gasped again and it seemed like knew he finally realized it was standing up and it’s mouth turned up. Goblin quickly ripped the night vision goggles off and said, “No-no-no-no fuck that fuck that fuck that!”

“Dude what did you see? Whats wrong?” Tater asked.

Gobby pushed his shoulder and said, “I didn’t see a fucking thing! Speed the boat up lets go lets go!” So Tater sped the boat up, the motor sped up as the water behind the boat splashed up and they made it to the next dock, and stopped the boat, tied it up, and got out. Porch lights and torches lined the path to Connie’s house, which was a very welcoming sight while they walked down the dirt path and around to the back of her cabin. The back was her gator farm where she had her little shows n’ whatnot. The dirt pit in the center had floodlights all around in the trees.

“Up here! Up here!” Connie’s shrill voice rang though and the gang craned their necks to see her perched atop the roof of her cabin clutching her 12 gauge. She had bright red lipstick, blue eyeshadow and drawn on eyebrows with feathery salt and pepper hair with a sun visor hat on top. She was smoking a cigarette and she wore mud boots with her camo pants and a margaritaville shirt. Her left hand was missing a thumb, and her ring finger of her right hand from past wrasslings with the gators.

“So, where’s the thing?” Spider asked her.

Connie flipped on a large floodlight to reveal the anomaly was tangled up in nets and fishing wire up between the trees nearby. It’s didn’t make noise or thrash around much due to exhaustion and from glitching. Some of her gators sloshed throughout the swamp or crawled onto the land to watch them.

“Holee-fuck!” Tater exclaimed.

“It’s hideous!” said Spider.

“It looks like it got plastic for skin.” Gobby commented.

It had the face and torso of a man with muscular arms with large claws for hands, plus a scorpion tail. Below the waist was another set of large claws, with a scorpion body n’ legs that were tangled up in the many nets and wires that were wrapped around it. Some bullet wounds on it’s chest seeped blood. It’s eyes fluttered open as it regained consciousness and it growled at them all. The scorpion dude mustered up the will power to claw through the nets and wires. Connie loaded her shotgun, saying in a mumbly voice with her cig hanging out the side of her mouth, “Well shit he’s loose again.”

Tater had to step farther away when a gator snuck up next to him and tried to snap at his ankles, “Aw hell, Connie! Control yer gators!” He yelled while picking up a rock to throw at the gator. Connie aimed her shotgun at the scorpion-man anomaly, “Then git this thing off my property n’ the gators will calm down!”

“Ya don’t gotta shoot him, Connie.” Spider said as Goblin smacked the gator over the head and said, “Git on outta here!” The gator hissed at him and backed away. Spider jumped up into the trees and webbed the scorpion man’s claws closed. His muscles rippled n’ strained as he tried to break free from the webs. Spider formed a large web in the trees and jumped down. She ran under him as he tried to stab at her with his tail, and she quickly lifted him up and threw him into the web. His back was stuck to the web net and his scorpion legs and tail wiggled about. He was like a turtle stuck on its back.

Tater scratched his chin, concentrating hard on the strange anomaly strung up before him. “Ya know it kinda looks like that dude…what was his name?”

“Oh I know who yer talking about.” Spider replied, she shot a web at another gator to scare it off as it snapped at her legs.

“The dude that was ummm….you know, the dude….that said the thing..” Tater pondered more. They all three suddenly remembered as the anomaly tilted his head to the side, arched an eyebrow, and curled his lip. They looked at each other, belting, “Can ya smell what The Rock is cooking!”

“Yeah That’s right, The Rock!” said Gobby as he smiled up at the anomaly.

Spider cupped her mouth to shout out at the scorpion man, “CAN YOU SPEAK, DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON?!”.

The scorpion-man anomaly stared at her, furrowing his brows and muttered something in an unknown language.

“CAN YA SPEAK ‘MERICAN!!?” She shouted again.

He spoke more in his unintelligible language and gritted his teeth.

“HELLO? HALITO? HOLA? AHO? YA AT EEH? O’siyo? HENSCI? TALOFA?” Spider asked him.

He only stared at her, his forehead wrinkled with a confused expression in response.

“PLASTIC SCORPION JOHNSON! WE COME IN PEACE!!!” Goblin yelled at him while flashing a peace sign.

It shook his head and grumbled while thrashing in his web restraints.

“I don’t think he understands us.” Tater said to them.

“Well whaddya suppose we do with him?” Gobby asked.

“Oh, I got a plan in mind.” Then Spider screeched, “CONNIE! Do ya got some generators and some fence wire?!”

Connie took a drag off her cig then asked, “Why for? Ya gonna zap the bastard?”

“No! I will cage him in tho.” Spider replied while taking out her own cig and lighting it up.

“Ya gonna get him off my land?” Connie barked down at Spider.

Spider slapped a mosquito that landed her face as she said, “Not at this moment buut he’ll leave soon, I can promise ya that.”

Connie huffed and waved her hand out at Scorpion The Rock Johnson n’ bobbed her head while saying, “Just get him off my damn farm.”

“I will, damnit! He’ll leave soon enough, Connie!” Spider took a puff of her cig, “Go back in yer house or whatever. Oh, and bring me some whiskey while yer at it.”

Connie stared at Spider like she just insulted her ancestors n snapped, “The hell you want my whiskey for? Ya sure as shit didn’t earn it!”

“Oh c’mon Connie!” Spider threw her arms out, “It’s just my whiskey tax! It’s not like I bothered comin’ down here to sit on my ass n’ fuck around!”

Connie groaned, then opened the hatch to the roof and crawled in, going into her house. “Hey, you know how you told me that one time, that you don’t know who yer mom is…are you sure she ain’t your real mom?” Tater asked Spider while he watched Connie shut the hatch door.

Spider shook her head, “Hell no.” Connie came out from the patio doors, throwing back some whiskey from the dark brown glass bottle. She wiped her mouth and then handed it to Spider and she took a a swig of the bottle then handed it back to Connie.

Tater looked at ‘em both and whispered to Gobby, “Don’t ya think she could be her mom?” Goblin shook his head and smiled, “No, she’s not.”

Spider knew she needed to set her plan of attack into motion. She rubbed her mouth and breathed in deeply and concentrated while staring at Scorpion The Rock Johnson, pacing back and forth for a moment. She muttered, “If I wanted to take myself down, what would I do?” She paced back more, while Scorpion Johnson glitched, then went limp before thrashing again. Spider had to think harder, as much as it strained her fried brain, and she said aloud, “Gobby, what was that solution ya sprayed me with when ya tried to kill me that one time a few years ago? Yanno, the shit that made me all stiff like an old dick full of viagra?”

“Good ole ethyl chloride.” He answered.

“Ah. That’s right. Now Connie, do ya have any spare parts laying around like copper wires, aluminum sheets, lead?”

Connie perked up and replied, “Funny you’d ask that, I do got a space shuttle out in my junkyard that I’ve stripped for a few parts but all what ya asked is probably in there ‘cept for the ethyl chloride.” “Sweeet.” Spider replied. They all went to the junkyard to stared at the decaying, beaten up space shuttle.

“It was called the Dragon 2. Ain’t it perdy?’ Connie said to them. “I used the waste system, and some of the electronics when I built my house. I’ve also taken out bits of the wiring and a few control panels for the doors n’ gates ‘round my property.” She tapped on the aluminum heat resistant hull that coated the shuttle.

“It sure is, Connie. And now it’s gonna be put to good use.” Spider replied, as she lifted it off ground and carried it back to the gator pit. Goblin and Tater took a long nap, while Connie sat on top of the roof drinking more whiskey and watched Dwayne the Scorpion Johnson struggle more. She liked watching his muscles flex and mumbled, “Bless ‘em.”

Spider got to work, setting her traps and building a few dew-hickeys. She woke up Goblin and they got some alcohol and calcium chloride and flasks n’ other supplies from Connie’s supply closet in the cabin to make her ethyl chloride solution. She worked the rest of the night away, snorting a few lines of cocaine in between breaks n’ sipping on Connie’s whiskey. Once her traps were set n’ dew-hickeys working, she smoked a blunt while taking a bag of magic mushrooms from Tater’s duffel bag, and climbed up the trees. Hanging down from a branch, she got up in Dwayne the Scorpion Johnson’s face, and she said sweetly, “Oh Duh-waaaayne! It’s time to get to know the mushroom.” She shook around the baggie while the Scorpion man stared at her wide eyed, flaring his nostrils.

Meanwhile, back at the Spider Society in 928B Nueva York, Miguel was notified by Lyla of the appearance of an anomaly in Spider-Hick's universe. He immediately relayed the message to Jessica, Peter, and the rest of the Spider Society members, showing up as a little hologram on their goobers. “I can’t deal with this right now.” He stressed, “Someone go rescue the anomaly.”

“Rescue?” Hobie Brown asked him with curiosity, “Usually it’s capture or apprehend, not rescue.”

“Yeah. Rescue.” The markings on his mask narrowed more into a frown, “As in rescue the anomaly before the inhabitants of that dimension do something horrible to it.”

Jessica shook her head, “Nuh-uh. I’m passing on that. Going there’s bad for the baby.” She rubbed her tummy.

“I wouldn’t mind going, but apparently, that’s one of the dimensions I’m banned from since I’m grounded.” Ben Reilly griped as he crossed his arms with a scowl.

“Any takers?” Lyla asked all the spider-people in the building.

Simultaneously every spider-person touched the tip of their masked noses saying “One-two-three not me!”

Peter B. was the only one not paying attention since he was hunched over his phone, posting another picture of his daughter. His head snapped up as soon as one of the spider-people coughed and nudged his shoulder. All of the spider people ’n creatures stood still, staring at him.

“What?” Peter B. said to them all as his eyes flitted back and forth, wondering what the hell just happened.

Poor Peter. He walked through the portal and into the cursed hick-a-verse where it was about early dawn. The sky was dark blue, and the birds n’ crickets began another song to welcome a new day. He didn’t have to look hard to find the anomaly, for it was writhing around on the dirt ground right smack in the middle of the gator pit. Scorpion Johnson’s eyes were all dilated n’ shiny as he rubbed his face across the ground. He rolled over and picked up a gator with his scorpion claws and licked the gator’s back, saying “The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.” Then he gasped as if he made a grand discovery and said, “I can speak all the words!” He threw the gator to the side and it flopped on the ground and quickly scrambled back into the swamp. He stared at the very confused and somewhat disturbed Peter Parker and exclaimed, “I know alll the words!!”

“Ohhh..that’s greaaaat.” Peter said nervously while rubbing the back of his head, “You don’t suppose you could just come with me-“ He stopped mid sentenced and dodged a metal canister that aimed for his head. Another canister rolled up to him from behind a tree and emitted a gas, which was the ethyl chloride solution. Peter coughed and hacked as he waved his hand in the air to get the gas out his face and he kicked the can out the way, but his muscles became very stiff. A large spider-web net dropped on top of him and he was so stiff he couldn’t move out the way. He just kinda fell over like a plank of wood as the web enveloped around him and raised him up in the air. After the gas cleared, Spider jumped down from the trees, her face was covered in green and brown camo pattered war paint and she grinned wide as she swaggered up to him and said, “You ain’t the one I'm tryin’ to git.”

“So I’m the wrong one?” Peter grunted in response. Spider pulled out a small black box with an antenna, and a double loop of blue wiring sticking out one end. “Now let’s see what this’ll do, huh?” She held the box close to his dimensional goober on his wrist and pressed two switches on either side of the box with her thumb and pinky finger. The signal caused the screen on his goober to fluctuate n’ shut down. “Oooh! I like it when I get results.” She said feeling gratified, and Peter rolled his eyes, “You just fried my dimensional watch with an EMP generator!”

“Nah. It ain’t powerful enough to fry it. I wouldn’t screw ya over like that! It’ll boot up soon ‘nuff. But maybe not when I test something else out.” She said pulled out another hand held controller with a long antenna from her belt. She flipped a switch then slowly turned a knob on it. “Gotta find out what frequency that there goober works on.” She said to Peter as she slowly turned the knob. She was adjusting the jamming signal as the watch booted up again, and turned the knob while watching the goober flicker.

Peter’s eyes darted up to the trees and he saw she had many different antennas webbed to the tops of the trees. “You’re wideband jamming!?” He gasped.

“Yeuppp.” She confirmed, and grinned wide when his watch was jammed good ‘nuff for her to put the controller back on her belt loop. “Make yourself niiice n’ comfortable. Peter!” She said to him as she ripped his mask off n’ flicked his head. She took his watch away and tossed it to Tater who pocketed it. Then she threw him in an electrified cage she made from the chicken wire with an aluminum bottom. The cage was connected to another generator and she sprayed Peter with the ethyl chloride to make sure he couldn’t move. Connie walked over, with pink curlers in her hair while smoking a cigarette and stared at the caged Peter. “Now just what in the hell is all this?” She pointed at the Peter, and Spider smirked, “You’ll find out.”

Connie took a big whiff and said to Peter, “Ya smell good n’ fresh like ya had a shower.”

“I uhh, actually haven’t showered in a week.” Peter said.

“Good ‘nuff.” Connie said as she stared him up and down while tapping on her cig to get some of the ash off the end.

Peter shrunk under her gaze, feeling unnerved. “Ohh…okay.”

Connie liked to watch him squirm n’ commented, “Ya look well rested too.”

Peter cringed and replied, “I haven’t had a full eight hours of sleep since my daughter was born.”

“Ya look bright eyed ‘nuff.” Connie replied as she hacked up a loogie n’ spat it out, then turned to Spider, “Can I keep him?”

“Only for a little bit.” Spider replied while Peter anxiously chuckled, “Did I mention I’m happily married?”

“Where she at tho? I don’t see her.” Connie said while darting her eyes all around the area to tease him more.

“At home with my daughter.” Peter said while squirming some more.

“Relax pretty boy, I gonna treat ya reaaaal nice.” Connie teasingly cackled as she sprinkled some cigarette ash on top of the cage and Peter gulped, feeling even more uneasy.

When Lyla couldn’t get a live feed of Peter or contact him, she communicated the complication to Miguel, who just had her send another Spider-Man to the hick dimension. The same thing happened, their portal goober got disabled and they got caged while being sprayed with ethyl chloride to keep from breaking out. When that happened, Lyla told Miguel, who still didn’t wanna look into the issue himself, and yet again, another Spider-Man was sent. More variants came, and same thing happened. Night-Spider, Spider-Canada, Spider-Knight, Superior Spider-Man and Spider-Monkey populated the gator pit while Scorpion the Rock Johnson marveled at the fact he can suddenly speak just about any language and played with the gators.

“Miguel! This is getting out of hand. Just go over there and find out what she wants!” Jessica shouted at him.

“No. No. I’m busy! Can’t you see that?” He snapped at her. He was hunched over his monitors, trying to tune Jessica out.

“We’ve sent over six recruits and they’re all gone, their watches are undetectable!”

“Send Peni, she could fix that.” He replied.

Jessica sighed and shook her head, “The more you avoid this, the worse it’s gonna get.”

“IM BUSY!!” Miguel yelled and hunched over more.

Jessica frowned at him, “What the hell are you so scared of?”

Miguel huffed in a cracking voice, “I am not scared!”

“Then why did you want me and Ben to come with you the last time? You like to do solo missions unless you genuinely need backup.”

“Okay fine!” Miguel relented as he smacked the monitor, “I was scared at first! That place freaks me the shock out, everyone is sooo….creepy. And I can’t stand the weather.”

Jessica stood there feeling mighty annoyed, “Oh my god, just grin and bear it! Usually you would’t let things like this slide the first time around.”

Back in the hick-verse, the detained spider-people n’ monkey sat silent in their cages. Spider-Hick n’ Tater went into Connie’s house to look over Peter’s dimensional watch and took it apart. Tater scribbled down the parts on a blueprint paper and when they were done, they put the watch back together, came outside, and gave it back to Peter. “What did you guys do to it? You didn’t take it apart, did you?” Peter panicked. “Nah, we definitely didn’t do that.” Spider-Hick said while leaned against the tree as she stared Night-Spider up and down. She smiled. “You know, you could be my next ex-girlfriend.” She commented while throwin’ back a swig of whiskey.

Night-Spider chuckled lightly, “Why be your future ex when we could crash and burn right now?”

Spider-Hick walked up to her cage, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, huh?”

“But they also say third time’s the charm.” Felicia replied coyly.

“Please stop.” Peter whined.

Felicia said to Peter, “Don’t fret, we’re just playing.”

“We can play for a long time, too.” Spider-Hick said to her.

Felicia pressed herself up against the cage as she breathily replied, “We certainly can, but could you handle my kinda play?”

Spider-Canada piped up, interrupting them, “Oh yah! Nice fuckin’ cage ya got here, ya drunk!” She weakly smacked the cage with her hockey stick due to her stiff limbs, “Go give yer clit a tug, ya tit fucker!”

Spider walked up to her cage n’ spat, “Fuck you, Spider-Canada!”

“No, fuck you! You think drinking whiskey and having multiple vices is equivalent to a personality. Take all that away and you’d be even more boring that your friend over there!” Spider-Canada pointed at Tater. Night-Spider bent over laughing when she said that.

“And being a watered-down frenchie makes you any better? Whaddya even do? Say sorry n’ dive into a bucket of poutine?” Spider-Hick snapped back.

“I’ll dive into your auntie’s asshole with gravy for lube is what I’ll do! She’s so loose I’ll slide out the other end of her fucking meat hole!”

Spider smacked her cage, “Hey! I oughta let you out so I can beat yer ass into next sunday ya fuckin’ chicken shit!'

“Yah! Go ‘head n’ let me out, I’ll shove this stick so far up your ass you’ll be a hick-sicle!”

“You’re a shite-splattered, numbskulled, uncouth, motley-minded scut!!” Spider-Knight joined in on the taunting.

“I don’t know what any of that meant but fuck you too!” Spider-Hick said to her.

“Oh and you must be this dimension’s Goblin eh?” Spider-Canada said to Gobby, who sat on a log while whittling a hunk of wood with a knife. “Ya look like fuckin’ James Franco in Pineapple Express but dirtier with cracked teeth and veiny hands.”

“Pretty accurate assessment.” Goblin glumly agreed.

“Ya can’t talk all that shit! Yer a hockey player so you probably got fucked up teeth too!” Tater said to Spider-Canada.

Spider-Canada pointed at Tater, “Let’s not talk about me lets talk about you, I can’t bear to look at you dude! You’re fucking mid! What purpose do ya even serve? You’ve got nothing to do but stand here and be a tool!

Tater only sighed sadly in response as he sipped on his moonshine.

Spider-Knight heartily bellowed, “He’s a cream-faced loon! Another gormless, flea-ridden woodcock!

“You bitches really want me to let ya out so we can fight, ain’t that right?” Spider said while tossing the signal jammer around in her hands.

Spider-Canada jeered, “It only took ya this long to figure that out, you’re so fucking slow you could get lapped by a sloth on a coffee break.”

“Tis a duel we want indeed! Thou art a dizzy-eyed malt-worm! Let me out and I will wreck thee!” Spider-Knight added.

Well guess huu-what! I ain’t doing that! I’m savin’ this fire for the big blue man! And ya’ll don’t want none of my fire cuz you’ll get burned!”

“EEhh!! By God’s nails I’ll break out of here!” Spider-Knight bit her thumb, placing it behind her top teeth and flicking it out at Spider.

“It’s shit like this that makes me regret not dying in my old body..” Mumbled Superior Spiderman, while Spider-Monkey toyed with his dimensional goober to try to reboot it and said to the other Peters, “If she’s disabled our dimensional watches, then why aren’t we glitching?”

“Don’t jinx it.” Peter quickly replied.

A little more time passed. Connie did a crawfish boil to feed her new guests n’ Dwayne the Scorpion Johnson continued to frolic about the wetlands while tripping balls. Miguel had to get the courage to travel to where the anomaly was last located since the signal jammers made it to where Lyla couldn’t get live feed of the area. The portal opened and he walked on through, he parted some of the tree branches and walked down the trail to come upon the gator pit, seeing the chaotic sight before him: the caged spiders, scorpion Johnson rolling around, Spider’s friends, but worst of all, a wretched variant of his mom.

“Shock me with a chainsaw.” He groaned.

Spider stood upside down on the thick limb of a tree. She was chowing down on the crawfish boil. Earlier, Connie dumped the steamin’ craw n’ potatoes, corn cobs, sausage n’ more on a unrolled cloth placed on a picnic table. Spider stuck crawfish heads on her thumb, forefinger and middle finger and clacked them together and bellowed, “Migueeeell!! Come out to plaayyyy!!” In her other hand was another crawfish that she slurped the brains out of. The crackling shells and slurping got to Miguel and he gagged. Some coffee flavored bile rose up from the back of his throat when Spider kept throwing back and slurping out more crawfish brains. He almost heaved at the sight. She tossed the crawfish head aside n’ shot out a web to snatch up a couple of crawfish from the pile, and handed one to Spider-Monkey who sat up on a tree branch above Spider. He’s the only one she cared to free from his cage.

Connie said, “We need more juice.” and walked back into her cabin to get another bottle of whiskey.

Miguel choked again and grunted, "Put the shocking crayfish down and let’s have an adult conversation!”

“Ooh ya hear that?” She said to everyone else, “He said crayfish, not crawfish, crawdad, or even crawdaddy.”

Spider-Canada exclaimed, “Aw fuck!”

“I called it!” Shouted Spider-Monkey as he picked apart a crawfish tail.

“So did I.” Said Night-Spider.

“We were outvoted but we ended up being right.” Spider-Monkey declared.

“Damn it!” huffed Superior Spider-Man.

“Yeah! You owe me five dollars now!” Spider-Monkey jeered at him.

“Me too!” Felicia added, and Superior Spider-Man groaned.

Miguel screeched. He walked into the anti-goober zone and noticed his goober and his suit malfunctioning, and hologram of Lyla dissipated.“Let them all go right now and shut off the jammers!” He said as he took a step back from the zone.

Spider-Hick laughed hard when she saw his suit malfunction and said, “Not unless I get a rematch!”

Miguel shot out some red laser webs at the antennas in the trees. But they blipped out when they passed the ant-goober zone, his eyes widened and then he got sprayed with a canister of ethyl chloride. Miguel hacked and fell stiff to the ground, he said in a strained voice, “What the shock was that?!”

“Why didn’t anyone think about our tech being susceptible to EMP disruptions?!” Nagged Superior Spiderman, his mechanical legs weakly clawed at the cage.

“And bug spray! What a lame fuckin’ weakness, eh?” Spouted Spider-Canada.

Spider-Night remarked, “Aye! Methinks it a hindrance to fully rely on technology for all duels!”

Spider-Hick stood over him and demanded, “I want a fucking rematch! I wanna kick your ass!!!” She turned the knob up on the signal jammer controller.

Miguel shrieked and crawled back on his elbows and his legs stayed extended as his muscles rippled and spasmed. The spray affected him more than the other spiders cuz he got that spider DNA. His suit glitched on and off, “Goddamnit!! Okay!! I’ll do a shocking rematch just turn the jammer off!!!”

“Alright! But’s its only cuz I don’t wanna see your junk.” She turned the knob on her signal jammer up just enough for his suit to stay stable.

"I do!" Night Spider snickered in the background.

'You wanna see everyone's junk." said Spider-Canada.

Night Spider admittedly nodded, "Guilty as charged."

“Is that what all this is about? Because you need to kick my ass?” Miguel questioned while trying to stand up but he fell over again.

“Fuck yea it is! I got beef, especially since ya took the shorty away!”

“She’s fine as far as I know. Also, you’re such a hypocrite. You jumped down my throat about containing anomalies. You kidnapped Ben and now you’ve kidnapped Peter, Spider-Monkey, and the others. You can’t talk shit anymore about what I do!”

Spider quickly countered with a “It ain’t kidnapping, I’m borrowing them. Just like I did with Ben.”

“No. It’s still kidnapping and holding against their will. But just why did you kidnap Ben that last time?”

“Well for fun times and shenanigans of course! But this time it's for negotiating.”

Connie came outta her cabin, and saw Spider standing over Miguel while they argued. She strode up to the two and said, “Just why are you makin’ trouble for that guy? What did he even do to ya?”

“I just wanted to kick his ass.” Spider said to her.

“Looks like ya already did it plenty good.” Connie remarked. A gator wiggled out the swamp water n’ tried to chomp Miguel’s stiff leg but Connie snapped her fingers at it, “HEY! I’ll feed ya here in a minute, don’t eat the dayum guests!” The gator hissed and backed away.

“She’s just mad because I kicked her ass first.” Miguel said to Connie, who clicked her tongue and laughed heartily, “Yeah she’s always got something to prove and she hates losing, and can hold a grudge like no other.” She looked down for a moment, “I think I need to sleep soon cuz I swear you sound just like one of my son’s.”

Spider n’ Miguel fell silent and didn’t say nothin for a minute until Connie spoke up again, thumbing back at the anomaly, “Well are ya’ll gonna get that fucking scorpion critter out my dayum farm or not?”

Dwayne the Scorpion laid on his side flicking his scorpion tail back and forth while singing “I’m a little teapot short and stout. This is my handle this is my spout!”

“I could. If someone would shut down the signal jammers.” Miguel gave Spider a very dirty look, amplified by the lines of his mask pinching together.

“But-“ Spider started another rebuttal till Connie cut her off.

“Tch! Drop the fuckin’ grudge already!” Connie smacked Spider over the head.

“Owww!!” Spider whined, then said under her breath, “You gonna preach ‘bout grudges when ya did in George real good.”

Connie tilted her head to the side and bit the inside of her cheek, “That’s different hun. He needed killin’”

“George needed killing?” Miguel repeated back.

“Yeah. He had it comin’”

“Care to tell him what happened to George?” Spider asked Connie with a mischievous undertone.

Connie lit up a cigarette to get ready to tell her tale, “Sure!” She took a drag n’ exhaled, putting on hand on her hip, “It all started decades ago when I got tired of ole George putting hands on me. He kept gettin’ worse n’ worse till one day I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror.” She took another drag, “So one day I decided I had ‘nuff of being his punchin’ bag. I fixed him up his favorite meal one night. He loves a good chicken posole with taquitos on the side. But this time I put cyanide allll in it and he fell over stone dead. Then I wrapped him up in a tarp like a present n’ dragged his body to the swamp. I rolled his body outta that tarp n’ it slid right into that water. I sat there and watched the gators chow down. That’s when I realized my true calling: gator wrestling. I founded my gator farm and free waste disposal for customers who need a little help getting rid of the trash if ya know what I mean!” She finished her cig n’ stomped it on the ground.

Miguel couldn’t muster up any words for that tale, all he muttered was “Understandable….”

Spider went to grab the whiskey bottle from Connie but she stepped back and shook her head, “Nope You ain’t gettin’ a drop till ya let these poor people free, get that thing out my farm and clean up yer mess!!”

Spider had to relent to Connie’s demands. She turned the jammers off n’ got the spider people out the cage. Scorpion Johnson got detained n’ sent to the Spider Society with the rest of the spider people. Spider Monkey didn’t wanna leave till he got his fill of the crawfish. She watched Miguel walk back into the portal when it wall all said n’ done and she yelled, “I won this round!!”

He flipped her off and said, “I still kicked your ass! What you did was a bunch of cheap shots!” Then the portal closed before she could get a last word in.

“Goddamnit!” She blurted.

Connie stood next to her, as she took another swig of whiskey, “That was another version of Miguel. Wasn’t it?” She flatly commented. Spider nodded in response. She turned to go back to her cabin and mumbled, “He’s much bigger than the one I knew.”

Chapter Text

In life, there’s certain people who you’ll cross paths with, and for whatever reason, ya’ll don’t click. The potential for friendship is there, but it don’t happen. Maybe they encountered you when you’re at your worst, or ya said or did something very stupid. In Spider’s case, this person was Kiowa n Otoe woman named Bertha Bear, also called “Big Bertha”, cuz she’s fuckin’ huge. No, she ain’t the Bertha from the Great Lakes Avengers, and she ain’t as tall as Roughhouse the giantess, but she’s still pretty damn big.

Bertha is another mutant, with copper toned skin, amber colored eyes, and black hair styled into two long double dutch braids with leather wraps at the ends. She’s also got a red tattoo of a bear paw on her left cheek, scraping its claws across her face, and a bone beaded choker around her neck. Her forearms are covered in shaggy hair and her hands are more like padded paws with long claws. She usually wore buckskin halter top with a belt around her broad waist with thick, stout thighs n’ wide feet covered by leather beaded boots. While she can’t shape shift into a bear, she sure as hell got the strength n’ size to make up for it. Bertha was said to have gotten her strength and ability when she was a kid. She towered over her siblings, and walked funny cuz of all the growth spurts. Her mother said she was a true “Bear” cuz of her lumbering gait. Her long arms to swayed side to side as she stomped her feet on the ground. The outstanding rumor that spread about her was that her bear-like tendencies emerged when Bertha and her sisters played a game of chase. Obviously Bertha got designated to do the chasing. She chased her sisters all around the woods, and the spirit of a wicked bear overtook her, and in her madness, she devoured her siblings.

Aside from the nasty rumor, her temperament was two extremes. Bertha had bouts of deep lethargy, like a depression where she didn’t do nothin’ or go nowhere for weeks at a time, then bam! Her mood flips and she’s manic and can’t sit still.

Many years ago, Spider dun fumbled her first meeting with Bertha. Her n’ Gobby were sitting at a booth inside the common room of a shoddy, dirty, musty-ass travel lodge. If it could be called that. The name’s probably too nice for the shitpile within the remnants of a Chuck E Cheese’s. The intact skytubes were turned into sleeping pods. The arcade machines were already repurposed or stripped of parts. A lone Chuck E Cheese animatronic with it’s decaying synthetic fur and lifeless plastic eyes lying on the stage was assumed to have been some sort of artificial vessel created to contain a disembodied mouse deity. The stage was the altar, and some of the machines were theorized to be electronic spirit boards that tell fortunes and make predictions. Or so the owner of the run-down lodge believed. In order to clear the building of evil they burned the head of the mouse and ripped the lettering off the front of the building. Dirty needles, strange organic matter, and the occasional severed body part littered the floor. Spider cleaned out her web shooters with some rubbing alcohol and cut up pieces of cloth, while Gobby was cleaning out his bong with the rubbing alcohol and some rock salt. Spider reached over to grab the rubbing alcohol and knocked over the sack of rock salt. The coarse crystals spilled onto the wooden table and Goblin clicked his tongue, and said, “You spilled the salt, that’s seven years of bad luck!”

“Bullshit.” Spider grumbled, wiping up the salt with her palms and sprinkling it back into the sack.

He waved his hand and said, “No, you’re supposed to throw it over your left shoulder to get rid of the bad luck.”

Spider took the sack and tossed it over her left shoulder, and asked, “Like that?”

Goblin shook his head again, and said, “Not like that! Yer just ‘sposed ta throw a pinch over yer shoulder not the whole damn bag.”

The bag flew far behind them when Spider tossed it. It smacked Bertha in the face, who was sitting at the other end of the room, and spilled all over her, into her coffee. Bertha breathed in deeply and wiped the crystals off her face and stood up, scraping the rest of the salt off herself with her paws. She picked up the sack and trudged over to Spider and Gobby. Spider’s senses already tingled and she looked over her shoulder and back at Gobby with wide “Oh shit” eyes. Bertha held the sack high in one paw and her other paw was clenched into a fist. She hunched over them as she rumbled, “Which one of you dumbfucks hit me with dis?”

Being the good friend Spider is, she coughed and weakly pointed at Goblin, who looked back a her with a frown and said, “Don’t point at me you asshole, you’re the one that threw it!”

Spider quipped, “Yer the one that told me to do it.”

“You did it all wrong!” He said quickly.

“Well then you shoulda been more specific.” She argued back.

Bertha noticed a sack of Jersey Devil jersey on Goblin’s side of the table and said, “You gonna eat that?”

“Yes, actually I was.” He replied, and choked up a bit, and nervously backtracked, “Or you know, I was thinkin’ about it.”

Bertha picked the sack up, chewed the jerky to mush, then hocked it back into the sack with a loud, “PBbLEcK!”. She wiped her nose n’ said, “There ya go, I made it nice n’ juicy for ya.” then plopped the sack in front of him, and poured the rest of the salt out of the bag onto Spider and trudged out of the lodge. She grumbled “Ain’t gon be as nice next time I have to lay eyes on ‘em.” when she kicked the doors open to go back outside.

“Well that was beary rude.” Spider said as she dusted the salt off herself.

The next time they met was a few years later, during a terrible dust storm across the flatlands of No Man’s Land. Spider n’ Goblin rode off in a side by side, with their masks on and an extra scarf around their mouths and noses to keep the dust out. Barreling through the wasteland they drifted down the curving, treaded path. They sped further away, the sand grains stung and nipped their exposed skin. Gaining on them was a convoy of armored trucks. It was the Marauders, who were after them cuz Spider n’ Gobby dun pissed them off since Gobby gave ‘em dud grenades n’ Spider sold ‘em faulty web shooters. Goblin retaliated by reaching into his canvas sack full of grenades on the floorboard, pulling the pins off with his teeth n’ throwing it at the lead truck. The truck drifted over to avoid the explosion, and sustained some damage, and another truck took the lead. Spider took the wheel and weaved along the trail while Goblin loaded up his grenade launcher and shot at the group, explodin’ some trucks here n’ there.

Them Marauders relentlessly pursued the side by side. Bertha was one of the new members, and she sat in the back of one of the trucks, already knowing the identity of her targets. She wore a balaclava with goggles. She grinned and mumbled, “I gon’ go through with my word.” while watching their side by side swerve back forth. The truck she sat in gained on them, and she watched Goblin fish his burlap sack for more grenades to load into his launcher and leapt out from the back of the pickup, gripping onto the cage rails of the side by side.

Goblin took out a flash grenade but Bertha reached through the bars and wrapped her clawed fingers around his neck, and he dropped the grenade while his eyes rolled back up in his head, gripping her hand with his while he gagged out, “Harder!” and grinned up at her. Bertha curled her lip in utter disgust and immediately let go of his sweaty neck while Goblin panted. Spider reached a hand out through the bars to shoot a string of web into Bertha’s goggles to blind her. Bertha pulled the cage bars until they bent and snapped, and reached down to swipe at both of them. Spider ducked down to avoid the swipes while Gobby reached for the flash grenade in the floorboard. He pulled the pin and threw it at the truck that was trying to side swipe them while avoiding Bertha’s claws. Course Gobby didn’t think much ‘bout how close the truck is to them and how powerful his flash grenade is, since his brain was still tryin’ to get back the oxygen he lost from when Bertha choked him. (Not that he had much brain to begin with). The blowback knocked the truck and the side by side over. They all three got thrown out the side by side and fell into the dirt while the howling winds blew sand onto them.

The rest of the trucks caught up and circled ‘round. Bertha pulled the sticky sand coated webs off the lenses of her goggles as she sat up.

“I think we’re kinda fucked here.” Goblin said to Spider, who watched the rest of the Marauders aim their weapons or ready their mutant abilities.

“Aye! We can fight the good fight or we can run like lil’ bitches.” She quipped to Gobby. They both looked at the trucks and then back at each other and nodded knowingly. Gobby pulled a flash bang grenade out from his back pocket and tossed it while Spider shot out webs at a few trucks and yanked them over. The small distraction was enough for them to break out into a sprint to bravely run downhill as a hail of bullets, fire, ice, or bone spikes came down on ‘em.

“Ya’ll ain’t goin’ anywhere.” Bertha said while breaking out into a sprint to get at them.

As the two morons ran for their lil lives, they got intercepted by a flying aircraft with a white hull shaped like a horizontal C that zipped through the air silently. The ship honed in on the group and a gravity beam came down n’ pulled them n’ Bertha up into the main hull. The ship rose back into the clouds as the Marauders kept shooting at it. Collapsing onto the floor of the deck, they got up and were immediately surrounded by a bunch of dirt-caked kids. The kids wore various animal themed hats with long ear flaps that hung down at their sides with matted hair underneath n’ lil raccoon or fox tails they clipped to their pants. All them chitlins were armed with their own little weapons, and wore satchels or packs, they were all preteens, with some older teens peppered in the crowd too.

“Oh, it’s feral children.” Spider whispered, peeling the scarf from around her mouth and raising up her goggles as the large group surrounded them. The feral children were like another group of raiders. Them lil’ shits could strip all the good stuff offa mobile n’ take the food, n’ weapons quick as a hiccup. They’d bury their victims to the neck up in the dirt too or do some good ole scalpin’ if they’re feeling more feisty. The feral children invented and passed down their own lore about the world and how it worked, and consumed the scant scraps of media from the old world, interpreting it into something new.

“Dafuq you all lookin at?” Bertha growled at them, pulling her goggles and balaclava off.

“Who is flying this thing?” Goblin asked them all. The kids didn’t answer, and proceed to silently stared at them.

Spider felt anxious when their beady lil’ unblinking eyes kept raking over them, sizing them up. 
“Well, say something. What’s ya’ll’s problem?”, she blurted, glaring back at them.

“WHATS YA’LLS PROBLEM?’ They all repeated back to her.

She rolled her eyes, “Nothing’s my problem, what’s yours?”

“NOTHING’S MY PROBLEM-WHAT’S YOURS?” They hollered, bouncing up and down.

“NOTHING! THAT’S WHAT!” Spider shouted back.

“NOTHING! THAT’S WHAT!”

She smacked her forehead and said, “STOP COPYING ME!!”

“STOP COPYING ME!!” The kids came closer, crowding up to the three with stupid little grins and invaded their space. The hot air coming from the half who were mouth-breathing and not working on their mewing streak stank of built up plaque laced with eau de dorito.

Spider leapt up to the ceiling to make distance, her personal space was precious, and she waved her hand, “GO! GO-AWAY!” she yelled at them. That seemed to trigger something because their eyes lit up and the kids broke out into a chant jumping up and down waving their guns or knives in the air. Their voices echoed off the white walls within the craft, bellowing, 
“GO GO GO GO! HEAD SO GOOD-SHE A HONOR ROLL-SHE’LL RIDE THE DICK LIKE A CARNIVAL-I DONE DID THE IMPOSSIBLE GO GO GO GO!!!”

Bertha whispered, “The fuuuckk..”

“HEAD SO GOOD-SHE A HONOR ROLL-SHE’LL RIDE THE DICK LIKE A CARNIVAL-I DONE DID THE IMPOSSIBLE-WHOOAAA-WHOOOAAAA!!!”

“SHUT THE HELL UP!!” Spider covered her ears.

Several kids ran amuck with detached toilet seats around their heads. Some of them pointed at Spider’s web shooter’s and one kid blurted, “Erm, what the sigma?!”

Goblin nudged at Spider, and said, “I might be able to help with the language barrier.” He coughed and said to them, “Hey chat! Whose your alpha?”

The sea of kids parted, and they pointed at their alpha, who sat on a chipped white porcelain toilet- the captain’s seat- while manning the deck of the ship with a re-wired orange and yellow toy piano shaped like the face of cartoonish cat. Instead of being a kid’s toy, the cat piano functioned as the switchboard that operated the entire craft. The keys were it’s teeth and it had big smiling eyes along with little paws at either side with buttons and switches. Now, the shmuck operating the craft had a curly mop of brown hair that ran down his back, with a scraggly little goatee on his chin and green eyes. He wore a shirt that had three wolves howling at a moon, a hello kitty choker around his neck that ya couldn’t quite tell was there due to the odd scarf loosely wrapped around his shoulders, musty fingerless cat paw gloves, cargo shorts with the zipper down, and a pair of worn out leather sandals over his ashy brown feet. Spider recognized him. She gawked, her jaw slightly drooping, slouching over, and said in a monotone droll, “Gabe. What the fuck are ya doing with the feral kids?”

Gabe hacked a dry cough and took the little microphone out from the top of compartment of the paw of the piano kitty. He rubbed his index finger under his nose to scratch it and snorted while doing so. Gabe flashed a crooked smile that deepened the dimple at the corner of his lip as he answered in a nasally tone, “I’m their leader. Their alpha. I taught them the language of their an-thestors.”

Goblin chuckled and pointed at Gabe and nodded his head in approval, “Ohio English. Nice.”

Gabe pressed a key on the kitty control center that mewed as it caused the ship to turn sharply to the north.

“Aww.” Spider sighed, almost disappointed, “I thought you disappeared for good.”

Gabe waved his hand across the air as if he were clearing invisible curtains, saying in his daffy duck lisp, “Alas, I was abducted believing it to be Pwesident Chwistt raising my spirit to the heavens.” He raised his pointing finger in the air, "Nay, it wasn’t our holy executive, but the Zeta Reticulans. All hope was lothht but then I th-poke the thh-acred Ohio tongue that bewitched the Greys whose heads exploded, and this craft plunged back to Gaia.” He clenched his hand into a victorious fist, holding it in front of his face and bowed his head, as if saying a silent, victorious prayer. “The feral children happened upon the wreckage in their goon cave. I became their captain, and that’s how I leveled up my aura.” He stood up and leaned over the dashboard above the control panel and rubbed his sticky gloved palms up and down, moaning a little as his eyelids fluttered, “Yethhh..thith baby a ten outta ten baddie…”

“Testify!!!” Goblin sang as he raised his hands in the air.

A feral kid clasped their hands in a prayer pose, and declared, “On skibidi!”

Spider sighed once more and pulled out her flask and emptied the entire thing while watching Gabe feel up the dashboard, he was still caught up in his moment, groaning in a breathy whine, “OoOOh she my pookieee.”

She rubbed her eyes and then yanked Gabe off the dashboard before he could dry hump it, making him sit back on the toilet seat. “Knock that shit off, I don’t wanna watch you impregnate a space ship.”

A rabbit-eared child ran up and slapped the dashboard n’ yelled, “GOT DAT GYAATT, BOIII!!”

Gabe rubbed some drool off his chin and said, “The feral children and I were tthearching the land far and wide for the fabled chicken tendies when I noticed you and your friend looked hella troubled with this tttth-uthy baka!” He tilted head towards Bertha, who was being accosted by feral children that hopped up and down and demanded uppies. She backed away to the wall and stared at them like they’re cockroaches. “We wan’ uppies! We wan’ uppies!” they chanted, and Goblin joined them, asking Bertha, “I get dibs on the uppies?” To which Bertha responded with a generous bitch slap across his face that sent him to the floor, and he held his palm up to his red cheek n’ giggled.

“Why you literally freakin’, bruh?” A lil kid squeaked at her, while another one pushed them away and asked, “You the rizzly-bear?” and poked the tip of their hunting knife at her claws which made Bertha flinch.

“Def not pookie-bear.” Squeaked an older kid that made the rest snicker.

“I’m le epic skibidi alpha rizzler!” Another child chirped as he waved a katana around.

“Try not to yap so much you beta.” Gabe said to that kid. The feral kid growled at him, “Grrr! Don’t challenge the sigma in me!” and threw a ninja star at Gabe’s head, but it missed him and sliced his arm instead and smacked into the white metal wall behind him, clattering to the floor.

“AAaaAA!!!” Gabe held his bleeding arm and shrieked, “YOU LITTLE ATH-HOLE!”

Spider snickered while Gabe whimpered, and she said to him, “Prolly ain’t the best idea to be cooped up with the ferals, ya can’t control ‘em. They’re spose ta be free-range or whatever.”

“Don’t under-ethtimate my alpha male aura!! I can make them thubmit!” He said to her in a spittle-filled hiss. “Did you hear that?! I yam yer alpha!!” Gabe said to the feral kid, who hissed back at him and flipped him off.

Spider felt the intrusion of another lil munchkin’s hand dig through her utility belt pockets and she jumped onto the wall, “Hey-HEY! Personal space! Personal space!!” She glared at the kid, who had fox ears and the kid said, “Jus lemme fanom tax yo blunts, playa.” Spider replied, “If ya promise to stay three feet away from my personal bubble I will give you a blunt.”

“Deal.” The kid said, but then the other kids heard and said, “WE WANT THAT GOOD-GOOD!”

“FUCKING GODDAMN JUST TAKE EM ALL YOU CROTCHFRUITS!” Spider took all her blunts out and threw them at the hoard of kids like she was feeding chickens and they picked ‘em up.

Goblin pointed at Spider and laughed at her annoyance, “Ehehehehe.”

“We need to get the fuck outta this.” She said to him.

He shrugged, “I don’t know I kinda like this place.”

“Well suit yourself but i’m bouncing.”

“I’m a discord kitten!” Proclaimed a child who ran up to him, while picking their nose with the end of their glock 17, and then licked the boogers off it.

“Oh are you now?” He replied, smirking.

“Meowww.” Went the kitty control panel key when Gabe pressed it to make the ship go lower. “Meeoww!!” The lil kid mocked waving their glock around.

“I ain’t staying here any longer. I gotta go. Gabe.” Spider plopped back down next to him, nudging his shoulder and demanded, “Beam my ass back down right MEOW!”
“MEOWWWW!!!” Went the ferals.

“Fuck!” Spider smacked her forehead.

“Oh don’t think just because ya got rescued means yer getting out of this. Yer gonna answer for cheatin’ the Marauders.” Bertha knocked over n’ through the hoard of kids to get up to Spider.

Spider made a times-out with her hands, “We don’t have a refund policy, no take-backs! All exchanges are final!”

“Well ain’t that some shit!” Bertha spat, wagging her head back and forth and stomped closer with her claws out, “C’mere ya bitch imma slap the yellow off yer teeth!”

“Ah think yer just gonna havta bear it!” Spider said as she webbed Bertha’s feet to the floor. Bertha sliced the webs off. “Aw dayum. Need a stronger formula.” Spider groaned while Bertha charged at her again. Spider jumped up n’ bounced off the walls of the ship like a wild tennis ball while the mad bear woman chased her, digging her claws into the metal with each swipe. The kid’s heads moved as they eyes followed the direction of the bouncing spider.

“NooOO!! Don’t tthhh-scratch up the trim!!” Wailed Gabe.

Spider hopped up and down all throughout the craft stickin’ to the walls n’ the ceiling as Bertha bowled over them dirt caked kids, then Spider belted, “Watch out kids! If yer not careful she’ll eat ya!”

“NOT IF WE EAT HER FIRST!” One of them squawked and unsheathed a hunting knife.

“That is a lie!! A complete bald-faced lie!!” Bertha yelled and kept swiping her claws at Spider. “I don’t eat people!!!” She wailed and got angrier while swiping and punching at Spider. Spider got a few scratches from Bertha and she said, “Hey guess what Gabe, Bertha here knows where your chicken tendies are.”

“Tendies you say?!” Gabriel whipped his head around and smiled.

“SHOW US THE TENDIES!” The kids yelled as they surrounded Bertha.

“Fucking liiarrr!” Bertha growled at Spider.

Spider crawled up on the ceiling to dodge her paw swipes, “See! She cappin’! She knows exactly where they are!"

Bertha chased after, mowing down kids, “I’m not lying!! I don’t!”

“RIZZLY-BEAR GON SHOW US THE TENDIES!!” They all yelled.

Gabe bit his nails, and winced at the gashes embedded all in the walls and ceiling while Spider barked, “Beam me down, Gabe!” As requested he played a little tune with the kitty keys that opened the floor hatch and booted up the gravity beam, of which Spider jumped into.

“You’re so hairy. I like it.” Goblin appeared next to Bertha, whispering creepily with wide eyes and lightly brushing the fur on her arms. Bertha wailed, “AAaaAAgh!!!”, snatched him up and tossed him into the anti-gravity beam. Spider n’ Goblin got beamed back down, and the ship flew away.
Bertha promised herself while the feral kids dog-piled her and chanted their request for them chicken strips, “If I see this bitch again she’s deader than dirt.”

Going back to their current present, the gang drove back from Connie’s gator wonderland and got further west to them lands once called Mississippi, now renamed, Missin-Pee-Pee. They stopped off at a dive bar to get drunk. Which this post apocalypse shithole has plenty of n’ whatever other vices or demons one can indulge in. Said bar was a simple wooden structure with holes in the roof and plenty in the walls with a greasy stripper pole awkwardly placed near the entrance. At the counter one could pick just ‘bout any poison. Hell, they even cook meth, pcp, n’ crack cocaine in the kitchen. This bar even survived several kitchen explosions and a super-extra-mega-bad ebola outbreak. Walking onto the porch, a super lanky man with a crusty receding hairline in a beige trench coat sat on the ground and scratched at the scabs on his face.

Seeing the group come up he said to them standing up and quickly undoing the belt tied around his coat, “Any of ya’ll wanna see my holes?”

"Hold onto that belt motherfucker!” Tater pointed pulled out his revolver and pointed it at the scabby man, who stopped and froze.

“I kinda wanna see ‘em.” Gobby whispered, and Tater glared at him.

Spider did a double take and smirked, “I seen’t a version of ya where ya had inter-dimensional holes.”

He replied with a wiggle of his square shoulders, “Well I don’t got that, but if any ya’ll wanna play enter-dis-hole goo depository at the ole glory hole, you know where to find me.” Then he pulled out his dentures and winked, sayin, “No teeth either. I suck dick like Jordan shoot hoop! Nuthin but net!”

“No thanks, Johnny boy, I’ll pass.” Tater said as he reholstered his gun.

Within the woodsy establishment, they got super fuckin’ wasted. Spider n’ Gobby started another round of bullshit. Pushing him off the barstool, Spider swayed over Gobby and pulled out her knife, “EEEyyyY! Eye for an eye, ball for an ovary!” She pointed the knife at his crotch, “I wan’ it back.” Slurred Spider, her reddened baggy eyes watered a bit and she snickered, “C’meereee Gobby, we gotta make it even.”

Goblin swiftly kicked her right between the legs and yelled, “CUNT PUNT!!!”

“AaaAAgh!” She screeched, and toppled over, covering the lady bits with both hands and groaned, “Ya bastered!”

Tater laughed hard while sipping on moonshine, “Ohohohoo!!! Gobby’s winning!”

“Y’see-don’t need-don’t need ethyl chloride to take ya down. Jus’ a good ole cunt punt will take ya out.” Goblin stammered, holding onto the end of the table to stay up, and he grabbed his little glass pipe and lit up the lil’ bowl end of it and took a hit of that sweet china white.

“nOo the fight’s jus’ begun!!” Groaned Spider and she dived onto Gobby and punched him. Goblin punched her back and she laughed, so he punched her in the gut.

“AYE! IF SHE CUT YO BALL OUT YA GOTTA EAT IT!” someone in the back yelled.

“FRY IT UP!!” Another one added.

“NO! THAT BALL IS MINE!” Spider yelled as she grabbed his leg and pulled him down, aiming for his crotch with the knife until a familiar presence stood over them n’ they got the scruffs of their neck yanked and dangled in the air still slapping n’ kickin’ at each other.

“Dumbfucks!!” Bertha yelled and smacked their heads together. “OwwW” They both whined and Spider dropped her knife.

“Eyyy!!” Spider looked up at her, “If it ain’t da Big Bear! It’s beary nice to see ya again! Has life been treatin’ ya well? Did ya hibernate in a lil hidey-hole for the winter? And was it John’s hidey hole that ya rested in? Cuz he said he got’s em."

Bertha smacked their heads together again, “No! God damn you talk too much!”

“I still think ‘bout those hairy arms, Bertha.” Gobby said with a wide eyed grin.

Bertha scowled in disgust, and held Spider up to her face, “I don’t like you. I don’t like your gimmick. I don’t like your stupid grin either. Your face sucks too. I just plain don’t like you. You always be sticking your nose up people business like you’re fighting the good fight but you’re just foolin. You aint fooling me. How the hell can you even look at yourself. Even the things you say is wrong.”

Tater piped up, and asked as his brows creased, “If Connie killed George but ya said your dad was killed by Norman then whose your dad?”

Spider looked over at Tater, still dangling there, and answered,
“Tyler Stone.”

Tater nodded, “Ahhh. Okay.”

Bertha added, “Probably rollin’ in his grave on how much you be acting a fool, Spider. Or should I say-“

Spider stuck her finger in Bertha’s face and blurted, “Shut yer fucking mouth, cousin.”

“Im not your cousin.”

“We could be.”

Bertha shook her head, “You’ve gone maw-bayn. (crazy). You don’t look anything like Tyler.”

“It’s possible!” Spider ran her hands across her face to showcase her features, "Where else would these high cheekbones n’ majestic nose come from?”

Bertha scoffed, “Your brother’s the one that got the cheekbones and Tyler’s jawline. You didn’t get squat.”

“Then where did I get this beautiful face if not from daddy? I know I got some NDN blood in me.”

“Bitch look in the mirror. You might be Tyler’s kid but you didn’t get his looks and your momma was probably a no-blood.”

“Ayyy! You don’t know that!” Spider frowned a little.

Bertha wagged her head again, “Maybe I don’t, but I know you’re full of saw-ghee-daw (shit). An’ you’re always lyin’ to yourself!”

“Kay ‘den pooh-bear! Don’t be talking like you’re my conscience!” Spider snapped her fingers in her face.

Big Bertha really laid into her with a, “I’m just telling you what you don’t wanna hear you busted, broken, nobody!”

Goblin cackled when Bertha finally got under Spider’s skin and she quickly kicked Bertha upside the head and broke out of her grip, jumping back. She took her glass of whiskey off the bar and threw it back, n’ said,
“Takes one to know one. What gig did ya have besides Marauders? Or did ya babysit the feral kids with mister Alpha-male?”

Bertha cringed at the horrible memory, “Thanks for the reminder.” Then she threw Gobby to the side and charged at her while the bar patron’s attention piqued and they started to chant, “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!”

The drunken shenanigan turned into a good ole brawl that ended with Bertha Bear tossing ole Spider out the bar. Spider caught herself and sauntered off drunk as fuck all and passed out on the ground. Bertha came out later in the night to see her layin’ there. She shook her head and picked Spider up by her ankle and walks around to find Tater n’ Goblin laying in seats of their jeep. “Ya’ll forgot your Spider.” She said, dangling a limp Spider-Hick in the air with her mouth hanging open as some drool spills out and placed her over the hood of the jeep, and walked away.