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My middle child, Kim Cheol. I remember his birth like it was yesterday, born on a warm September day. He was so small and was always a bit of a sleepy baby. Yet, as the years went on, my sweet little boy had continued to grow and at the age of 6, he was already above my waist. When he was younger, he was quite blunt, but still a very kind boy.
He was scared at the sight of bugs, despite his big size - He ran yelling and screaming till it was gone. He always took care of Hwani, did his chores, had fights with Sunjeong, played soccer, and gushed about video games he saw in the magazines.
Despite all of this, he was a bit shy as he got older. He never liked to admit his feelings, when he’d receive affection he never would admit how much he liked it, or even when he’d get hurt he'd always say “eomma it doesn’t hurt” although he’d fight back tears as I treated his injury, and I’d always respond “Of course it doesn’t, you’re such a strong boy.”
This was my son, a quiet, sweet, good little boy. Yet many children his age outside of our home didn’t see him the same way. At school he never spoke unless he was spoken to. Kids made fun of him for how much taller he was, and how quiet he was as well. It tore my heart to see him come home with his head dipped down, but that was only the start of it.
We started to move around when Cheol was about 12 years old, his father’s job required us to be in many different areas. Cheol began to return home with scratches and bruises, cuts and bleeding. I can’t forget how many times we tried to bring it up with the schools, but it was becoming so often they got sick of our complaints and gave us lip service instead. We changed his school from his previous one, but it didn’t help. At first he adapted pretty well, but then he started to return home with darker bruises and more scratches.
School after school, fight after fight. My Cheol, I could hardly recognize him.
The worst that I had seen was him receiving a black eye. At this point, I stopped asking what had happened, as it wouldn’t help nor change what had been done.
I quickly would treat his wounds, gently so as not to hurt him more, yet I couldn’t help but scold him a bit while doing so.
Yet he’d always say “It’s ok eomma, it doesn’t hurt.”
…
We moved again, this time it was supposed to be a more stable place we’d stay. It was a lot nicer than some of the other places we’d lived at before. I had prayed this would be the last. It was like my prayers were heard, I was noticing he was beginning to get better… Even if the change wasn’t massive, he was getting better. Now he smiled a lot more, I was washing the dishes when he got out of his room to leave. “Where are you going?” I had asked, he then replied “I’m going to hang out with my friends.”
“Oh.. ok, be safe and come home before 7 pm” I’d responded, shocked at what I had just heard.
After he left, I cried at the kitchen sink, and an immense amount of relief washed over me after so long. My Cheol, he was doing better, he could finally tell me he had friends, he even would tell me more about his day, rather than just giving an “It was good” when I always asked.
My little boy was starting to get better, he was starting to enjoy school,he was enjoying his life… Perhaps choosing Goguryeo middle school was the best choice I had ever made in my life.
I thought to myself then, “Please let this last, please…” Clasping my hands desperately as tears stained my face.
But I think my prayer wasn’t heard, as this peace was short-lived.
…
It was a normal day, I had come home from work and began to prepare dinner. I had heard the phone ring, I walked over and answered it, saying “Hello?”
The voice was a man’s voice, simply asking “Is this the residence of Kim Cheol? Am I speaking to his mother”
“Yes… I am his mother, why are you calling…Who are you?” I gulped.
“Ma’am this is officer Kim Daewon, your son is in custody of violent and aggressive behavior between him and another student… I request that you come to the station…” He said.
I don’t even remember what I had said after, everything was a blur after what I had just heard. All I know is that I rushed out of the house, running towards the station. My heart beating out of my chest, as I tried to console myself mentally… that this wasn’t real. I must be in a nightmare. Cheol… Cheol..,
I went into the station, my breathing rough. I was led to my son, my eyes widened at the sight of him.
I saw Cheol, sitting down. He was shaking, the look on his face forever etched into my memory, he was all beaten up from head to toe, what animal had done this to him? I walked over and knelt towards him, I held his bruised and bloodied up hand gently, I could feel his nerves at their highest.
The look of total fear filled his eyes. At that moment, I knew I had lost all connection to my son. I failed him as a mom, he became a shell, a shell of what I once knew was my boy. I lost him all over again, and no matter what it was, it all came crashing down. He held all of his guilt inside of him, shouldering all of his problems, on his shoulders.
His wounds left untreated, all I could ask the officer was “Where is the other student?”
He simply responded, “He’s in the hospital.” At the mention of it, Cheol’s eyes flinched towards it. My blood went cold, my son. My son, Cheol. My sweet… Cheol…
I lowered my head down, so many emotions overwhelmed me, thousands of thoughts rang in my head. The thought of my son being left in this wretched state… all by himself… his body must ache, his mind must be filled with the worst sorts of thoughts.
As if Cheol knew, he suddenly said quietly, as he let go of my hand. “Its ok eomma, It doesn’t hurt.”
…
It didn’t get any better, that boy’s crazy parents kept complaining like crazy, phone calls blasted the house till we had to unplug the phone line. His father kept showing up to our house like a maniac, the police stopped taking our complaints of this harassment seriously. It wasn’t until Cheol came out of his room to ask me and his father.
“I… want to transfer…”
His father simply responded after contemplating.. “Alright, let’s move to a new area. Hwani needs her own room anyways.
“ This is really the last time,” he said again.
…
After constant sleepless nights, we sent him to school, Baekje. He was sent, beaten and bruised. I had to be strong, pretend nothing like this was out of the ordinary, pretending like my son was fine, pretending I was fine. Nothing was fine
We had moved into a new place, Cheol rarely spoke. Only as if he barely existed in his own home. I had realized how big he had gotten, but it would be hard to tell he's 14. He's still so young, no matter what Sunjeong did, no matter what his father did, no matter what I did, he never spoke about it again, Neither did we.
I had forgotten that there was a girl, who knew Cheol from long ago. Who's parents we knew as well, Hwang Miae.
She was a lovely girl, she still maintained her small frame and looked extremely small next to Cheol, big eyebrows, green eyes that reminded me of lily pads, and a smile that made you want to smile.
I had tried to mention her to him before, but he didn’t give much of it. ‘It was worth a shot,” I thought to myself. Paying no mind to it.
He remained silent for the rest of his 2nd year. Then 3rd year began and the months passed by so slow. We enrolled him into Cram school, he was doing better, as he still remained with his friends.
As the months went by, I was on my way home from grocery shopping and speaking to some of the other neighborhood women.
“Did you see that your son has been hanging around with that Miae girl?” One of them said,
My interest perked up hearing it, “What about it?”
“They came home from school together…ahh and they were talking about soccer. I hope she doesn’t cause a bad influence on Cheol that girl”
…
I left soon after the conversation ended… I was stunned, Cheol was actually talking to her..? He was more social? It dawned on me that it was because of this that he had started picking up soccer again… I couldn't believe it, it was like a dream, but I was so scared to wake up from it.
…
It wasn't until I saw with my own eyes while I was leaving the store, that I saw Cheol riding his bike… with Miae on the back of his bike… in the middle of the hot afternoon. She was smiling along the way, and Cheol gave her a snarky expression… then just smiled to himself as she clung on to him… Ignoring what looks they were receiving.
They both were sweaty, but I saw a smile that I hadn’t seen in years, ever since he was a boy. Only then did I realize he was still in there, my baby from back then who smiled so freely, after all that happened to him he was smiling again. Only she brought it out of him… and only she could bring out more than anyone else…
They both took a stop, nearing the house - in an attempt to prevent anyone seeing them. I simply walked up to them just to tease them a bit.
I overheard. “You can’t be doing that anymore Miae-yah” He said.
“Hmm alright, if that's what you want” She replied back.
“My my, how cute are you both” I said. Surprising both of them by the sound of my voice.
“AH! Eomma- It’s not what you think-” He quickly shouted, in a defensive tone.
Miae looked completely embarrassed… “Oh hi aunty! How are you?” she asked.
“Haha good dear, thank you for asking, come for dinner why don’t you? I have some side dishes for your mother” I said. The look of dread appearing on Child's face, I couldn’t help but smile…
The sudden memory rushed into my head, when they were little and by the lake... I could see from afar, how she made him smile again, just like when they were little... and how Cheol cried, secretly when she left…
But in that simple moment, I felt like she was the one. The one who could make Cheol happy, make him enjoy his school life. I finally was able to rest at ease...
…
“Honey…Honey?” I heard calling, I blinked a bit. Realizing I was in deep thought from the situation I was in…
Where was I again? Oh right, I am sitting down on the floor… in my living room…
“Yes?” I said, turning my head back to my son Cheol, dressed up a bit more formally, sitting next to him was Miae… she dressed herself up in a lovely green dress, with her long hair tied back neatly into a braid…
“Eomma.. Appa…I would like to ask you to bless our marriage…” Cheol asked, his head bowing down…
“Mr and Mrs Kim” Miae said…
“I know I may not be the best girl, and I hate to admit this part of myself but I am clumsy, forgetful, and there are many other girls who would probably be way better for you as a daughter in law…” She continued.
I saw Cheol flinch a bit at her sudden words, he almost raised his head, but then, her hand went to his, holding it tightly.
“But I truly would like to tell you that I… I have fallen for your son deeply… and I wish to spend the rest of my life with him, and I hope you will accept me into your family..” She continued to say, as she further bowed…
Me and my husband looked at each other, and simply smiled. We already had an answer for this young couple…
“Raise your heads, both of you,” My husband said.
They unison raised their heads gently. I looked into my son's eyes, his lavender shaded eyes… They were so deep and full of emotion. They were soft yet firm… just like how he had asked my father for my hand in marriage.
“You know, I have no worries for you and my son. He’s not perfect… he's troublesome, a mess when it comes to using his words, but if I wanted a wife for him, I would be praying you would be the one who would show up next to him…” I spoke…
“When I had named you, Cheol” I continued. “I had tried to find a good name for you… it wasn’t until I felt your strong kicks, that I decided to give you a strong name… so I had chosen"Iron "... It’s almost as if it's fate for you to be together, as your names are a beautiful pair… so I hope you will be his support, his love, as will he to you…”
I noticed Cheol’s face slightly flinched at my words… a small smile cracked. I simply smiled back.
“You know, you are a fine young girl Miae… we would happily give you our blessings…Please take care of our precious son” my husband said. Bowing his head, and I followed.
Both of them showed a smile of pure relief and then looked at each other lovingly.
“Ahem, it's a bit too early to be flirting in front of us” my husband coughed out. Causing both to flush with embarrassment, almost as if they forgot they weren’t in their own little world, and thus laughter roared in the room.
…
It was the night after we had given our blessing… it all felt so surreal.. Had 22 years passed by so quickly? My husband laid in bed next to me…
“What are you thinking dear?” he asked me.
I responded “Just, how our small boy has turned into a man… how fast he grew up…”
Mixed feelings in my heart, realizing how quick everything had changed.
I felt a feeling on my hand, it was my husband's hand intertwining with mine.
“You did a good job raising him, to be the man he is today” He said.
Those words “you did a good job” broke me, a few tears coming out.
“Haha… did I really…?” I asked. Looking up at his oldened brown eyes, oh how we have aged.
“Yes… yes you did” He said as he held me close.
Such relief from those words tugged at my heart…
I thought of those two… and how Cheol looked when he was with her… such calmness in his eyes I never have seen... I hope she stays forever in his life… and then I won't have any regrets.