Archive of Our Own ^beta

There is only one way to hide that you have a secret — Accuse those who grow suspicious! You didn’t think it was to reveal it, did you? How silly.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Exciting news Night Vale! The City Council has just announced the beginning of a mandatory “Bread and Circuses” program to raise resident morale in town after the recent events. You know what I’m talking about, but let’s play a game.

Sure, I can’t hear you, being in the recording booth and all. Well, not without just a ton of paperwork, and so, so much time watching Officer Lee weigh it all over and over again, until she is certain that it is not a tenth of a gram more or less as per Professional Invasion of Privacy Regulation of 1876; But anyway, why don’t you try to guess which incident I’m referring to? You’ve got three attempts.

What is it you say? [REDACTED, replaced with angry bird sounds]? How could you even think of that! The City Council was quite clear that it did not happen, weren’t they? And I, for one, am disappointed that you don’t trust our non-elected officials. Be ashamed of yourself for even thinking the unmentionable.

The runaway chicken incident on Saturday? Ah… Not that one either. But I am very sorry you had to deal with that, dear listeners. I promise I won’t let it happen again. Well, I wouldn’t if I was trusted to keep an eye on them again, but you know how it is. Lose control of a bunch of angry exotic birds once, and no one trusts you with them again. So I can’t make sure it never happens again, could I? But that’s not the point. The point is, while I do very much regret what happened, that’s not the reason either.

Just one more guess, come on! I was so sure that it’s pretty obvious.

Hm? Yes, that’s it! I knew you could do it, my lovely listeners! It was indeed the accidental revelation of the government conspiracy to convince all the bees that the Earth is flat. It’s so embarrassing that it hasn’t succeeded already, and the City Council brings you their sincerest apologies that you had to find that out.

But first, let us take a look at the Horoscopes.

TAURUS: Happy birthday, Taurus! May it be a peaceful one for once. You have filed all the appropriate paperwork for it, haven’t you? You didn’t forget it after last year, hm?

GEMINI: You have an unexpected meeting coming up. Check your schedule. I do recommend you check your calendar a little more often than once a year in general. Not that you ever listen.

CANCER: Something good is about to happen to you! No spoilers, of course, but you’re in for a fun evening, that’s for sure. Bring your favorite notebook and not-a-pen with you wherever you go. You’re going to need it.

LEO: It is a great time to try something new. It’s a great time to try everything new, actually, and probably also to change your entire life forever. There’s no particular reason, promise, just a thought you might appreciate.

VIRGO: You’re in for a big disappointment later today. No, nothing new. It happened 28 years ago. And sure, it’s a while back, but does it matter when you’re only finding it out now? I didn’t think so either. Good luck?

LIBRA: Today is your lucky day! You know how your friend keeps promising that they’ll figure out a way to explain the entirety of tax law without you falling asleep? Well, can’t promise you that, but they sure will try. And it’s a pretty good attempt, as far as those things go. Let’s say you won’t be able to sleep in peace for some time after.

SCORPIO: Congratulations! You’ve been randomly selected to have your entire life reviewed. Yup, it’s happening tomorrow at around, hm, 10:00 am was it? Plenty of time to build your excitement up, Scorpio!

SAGITTARIUS: Today’s gender is an ever changing ball of flames surrounding a winged serpent. No, not the serpent, only the fire, though that’s a good one. You’re welcome.

CAPRICORN: Look in your mailbox tomorrow at dawn. No, this isn’t a threat, it’s your monthly refresher on the steps to build your own cult. Really, it’s embarrassing how content and mellow you’ve grown with your parody of a sect. Do better。

AQUARIUS: You will be productive today. Or, that’s what you tell yourself. It’s what you tell yourself every day. You know it’s a lie. But you know what? Good on you, Aquarius! Productivity is a poisonous lie, and it will consume you if you’re not careful. On the other hand, you have always wanted to join a cult, haven’t you? Not that it’s relevant in any way to the first point.

PISCES: The number you’re looking for is 700.

ARIES: Expect the unexpected. Think the unthinkable. See the unseeable. Today is the opposite day for you. Or shall I say, today is perfectly ordinary?

That concludes the section.

And now, back to the exciting news! For the first time since the 2000s incident, Eurovision is allowed in the city limits again. Not just that, the City Council was so thrilled, and so sure that everyone will love it, that it’s actually mandatory to watch all the broadcasts.

Or listen to it. Or read the transcripts. Or, you know, whatever your usual way of consuming mandatory media is. Just because one form of mandatory media is inaccessible to you doesn’t mean you’re suddenly excused from consuming it.

What about the City Council’s vehement anti-Moon stance? You might ask. Might even angrily demand an explanation from them upon hearing about the repeal. I am happy to say, dear listeners, that the one person in charge of the entirety of Eurovision — and no, that’s not an entertaining conspiracy to distract everyone from the reality, no matter what my lovely, but often confused brother-in-law might insist — well, they’ve finally agreed to apologize for allowing blatant Moon propaganda to be played without an hour of anti-Moon response per minute of it to balance things out, as is proper and lawful.

You can request a copy of the apology recording, complete with sincerest chainsaw juggling and appropriately lyrical text, from the nearest Secret Police Officer. I’m sure you know where they are.

More after the message from our sponsors.

Radio is undoubtedly great. Hell, it’s probably one of the best inventions humanity ever conceived off. And it’s good to not have to worry about focusing on some moving images and whatnot distracting you from the words and information and true meaning of everything. But sometimes you just need to see something, don’t you?

Rarely, sure, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. What are you going to do then? Get a computer? Don’t be ridiculous! We all know that you let your license slip last decade, and it’s such a pain to obtain a new one, isn’t it? You’d have to find an officer with authority to grant it. You’d have to fill out the paperwork. You’d have to pass the test. You’d have to pinky promise not to do anything illegal with it, for Spire’s sake!

No, you need something easier. You need a TV! Now showing the nation's favorite competition, and small European musical contests. We can’t believe it’s still ongoing either, but apparently neither France nor Germany are good at letting things go. And some other nations that shall go unmentioned for the obviousness, we suppose.

Brought to you by the concept of watching TV. We know you want to. Do it.

That does remind me of the mournful news of the day. Despite active protestations of certain members of the press, no participating songs will be taken off the air. The City Council has personally reviewed them all, and found nothing terribly illegal, apparently.

Oh, I see intern Patel is trying to remind me that it’s very not good to be critical of the government on air. True enough. My bad, intern Patel.

Let us talk traffic instead.

You sit in front of a desk, staring at the empty page in front of you, and wonder. You think you wanted to do something with it. You’re a writer, aren’t you? So maybe that’s something. You aren’t that interested in origami, you don’t think, nor do you care for pencil and exacto knife papercrafts. You’re pretty sure you’d remember if you were. On the other hand, you can't recall much in general, so maybe not.

You sit in front of a desk, staring at the empty page in front of you, and try to remember something. You think that might be the point of this all. It’s as good a guess as any, you suppose.

You sit in front of a desk, staring at the empty page in front of you, and pick up a pen. You write something down. You don't look, just fill the page with something, anything you can think of.

You sit in front of a desk, staring at the full page in front of you. Look at the words and the notes and the scribbled images and lines.

You still can't remember much, but it makes you feel something nonetheless. You think that it might be alright.

Expect heavy traffic throughout the city as people rush to organize everything at the last minute. Not their fault, but still.

And now, the weather.

So anyway, then I asked the City Council, “What do you mean the Lost Pet City on the Moon is allowed to compete but Franchia isn’t?” It’s not even in Europe! The mere idea…!

[A brief pause]

No, no, I know that there is an occasional exception to the location rules. Something to do with television or whatever. I don’t pay much mind to non-radio broadcasting, you know that. But no, I checked, apparently due to some arcane regulation the Lost Pet City on the Moon is still officially considered ‘an overseas possession’ and therefore is technically part of the EU. And here I thought there weren’t a lot of colonies remaining. Silly me.

[A longer pause]

Nuh-uh, don’t give me that line about it having no residents. I can say with confidence that it does.

No, I’m not arguing that a country has to have residents by definition, Abby, even though I am absolutely right about that one. What I am saying, if you were to listen for a moment, is that I do clearly recall meeting a resident of Franchia on my visit there.

I thought you said you won’t doubt your younger sibling on something that scared them so much regardless of what anyone says. I trusted you.

[Another pause]

Well, no, I cannot verify that it’s a citizen — did you think I stopped running just to ask? — but that hardly matters. At least I think it doesn’t. I should actually read the rules of the contest at some point I suppose.

[A pause, then a laugh]

I know much more than I can ever learn from just listening to you talk. And you know I wouldn’t miss the watch party with you if the world was ending.

Hm. That does remind me, make sure Earl and Roger show up, will you? I think he’s been avoiding me recently.

Anyway… I just looked at the display, and apparently I've been back on air for a minute? So bye-bye, see you and the family soon

So sorry about that dear listeners. My sister called in, and I couldn’t just not answer, could I? Last time I didn’t… Let’s say the Station Management added a new rule or two to the employee handbook. One of which is to never ignore Abby Palmer.

As you might or might not have heard, Franchia is not allowed to participate in this year’s contest for the first time in 42 years. But you still can look forward to other common favorites, such as Finland, Netherlands, and, of course, Luftnarp. This time, I’m given to understand, we’ll hear the performance whether or not they’ll make it to the final round. How thrilling.

They should anyway, but, if I can be personally critical for a moment, the jury never has any appreciation for fine Luftnarpian music, and refuse to read the letters I sent them on the topic.

It’s neither ‘too macabre,' nor ‘not music at all,’ I’ll have you know. And what’s with ‘get that away from me’? You’d think emotion and authenticity are the point. But who am I to question that.

Svitz is allowed to participate now that the organizers remember that it exists again. Though it’s only provisionally, on the promise that they will tone down their traditional dress to include no more than ten knives, dulled for some reason, and leave the polite gift of hallucinogens at home. So it won’t be the full experience, unfortunately. On the other hand, off-key flutes are not against the rules, so that’s something.

Oh, and I hear that their entry will be in Italian this year, for the anniversary of liberation from Napoleon, instead of Svitzian. Not sure I approve, but who knows, some of their strongest entries have been in Italian, so we’ll see.

Every resident will certainly see what happens.

And if you want to see any of the previous years, 2001 through 2023 excluded on principle, the old DVDs can be found in the Library. If you’re brave enough to check them out that is. Or if you’re on good terms with the Librarians, I suppose. You know? I only know two people that are, but apparently that’s possible. I’m still not sure how myself, despite my best friend trying to explain to me for ages, but hey, the more you know!

I highly recommend the recording from 1990 if you do, though of course a portion of that particular tape has been redacted for understandable reasons.

I do hear Desert Bluffs has the missing tapes, if that’s something you care to know for some reason. They always do everything wrongly. I think I might’ve mentioned that before. Once or twice.

So be sure not to visit Desert Bluffs Too Library on Friday, during the joint Summer Solstice celebrations, is what I mean.

Those are still happening, by the way. Don't you worry about being able to throw flaming daggers at effigies of all your friends, or to participate in the annual brick eating contest. The City Council wouldn't want to disappoint you, after all. Just further entertain. Or distract. Those are practically the same, aren't they?

That's about that for this broadcast. Don't worry, you'll hear my beautiful voice tomorrow at the same time, as always. And in the meantime, make sure to have fun to appease the City Council. It shouldn't be too hard.

Stay tuned next for distant hymns that sound so very familiar, but which you cannot quite recall or grasp at this moment. Or maybe ever again.

Good night, Night Vale. Good Night.