Chapter Text
Dimitri Allen had been dating Desmond Sycamore for about two weeks now, and it was the happiest time of his life. He also assisted in raising Aurora, which was equally as wonderful. But there was just one small problem.
It started with a phone call from an unknown number, which started with 01223. Cambridge, if Dimitri wasn’t mistaken. That’s odd. Who do I know that lives in Cambridge? It was most likely a spam call of some such, but Dimitri decided to answer just for fun. It was always fun to mess with scammers.
“Hello?” He said, letting his accent come out more than it usually did.
“ПОЧЕМУ ТЫ НЕ СКАЗАЛА МНЕ, ЧТО ПОШЕЛ В ТЮРЬМУ?” The voice on the other side of the line yelled.
Ah yes. The small problem. His release from prison over a month prior had been all over the news, meaning many people knew who he was and of his felon status. And that “many people” included his mother.
“Mama?” Dimitri asked, nonplussed. “Why are you calling me?”
“I want to see my boy again!” Mrs Allen replied. “You worry me too much! I saw in the papers you went to prison! I tried to contact you many times, but you never answered! You didn’t spend your prison phone call to contact me?”
“I didn’t know your phone number,” Dimitri replied truthfully. “You change numbers almost as often as you change husbands.”
“Do not speak that way to me Mitya!” Mrs Allen snapped. “I am happy for you that you finally have a girlfriend who rescued you from prison, at least.”
“Girlfriend?” Dimitri had to stop himself from laughing. Mom thinks Des is a woman… Oh dear…
“I knew being gay was just a phase,” Mrs Allen said. “You have a house now, yes? I will come visit. I will bring gifts! Gifts for you and future bride!”
“That won’t be necessary, mama,” Dimitri said, trying not to lose his cool. “We’ll be fine.”
“Nonsense!” Mrs Allen said. “I will visit! Tomorrow, I will bring gifts. What does your lady like?”
“…She has expensive taste,” Dimitri said, sensing an opportunity. “So keep that in mind…”
“My mother called,” Dimitri told Des at the dinner table.
“Oh that’s never fun,” Des said. “What’d she say?”
“Well, first off, she thinks you’re a woman.”
Desmond laughed, as did Aurora.
“What’s so funny?” Dimitri asked. “I would’ve thought you’d be offended, having your masculinity disregarded so flagrantly.”
“I get that a lot,” Desmond said, managing to stop his laughing fit. “Don’t worry, I’m used to it. If anything, I somewhat like it.”
“Really?” Dimitri was confused. “That’s… weird.”
“Well, look at it this way,” Desmond explained. “Aurora likes she/her pronouns, but also likes they/them.”
“What’s a pronoun?” Aurora asked.
“I’ll explain later,” Desmond said. “Anyway, while she isn’t human, this can still apply to humans. I like pretty much any pronouns. So being mistaken for a woman doesn’t really bother me much. It’s something you probably relate to as well, not exactly feeling 100% male.”
“Oh, I think I understand,” Dimitri said. … How did he know I feel that way sometimes? “Unfortunately, there’s some bad news with my mother coming to visit.”
“I think I know,” Desmond said, his eyebrows knitted together in worry. “Should I get myself all girled up for her visit?”
“I… I don’t know,” Dimitri said. “I sort of told her you were my girlfriend, and that prompted her to want to come over and bring expensive gifts… if she learns you’re actually a man then she’ll throw an absolute fit.”
“I figured as much,” Desmond said. “But we’re both adults. We don’t need her approval, we can just kick her out.”
“She’s the only family I have left,” Dimitri said. “And she did take care of me after Dad left, so I feel like I owe her at least some hospitality. I was kind of rude to her on the phone, I really regret that. It’s easier to be cross over the phone than in person… What if she disowns me? She isn’t supportive of my sexuality or my career path, and she might have killed my sister, but…”
“I understand,” Desmond said. “You feel conflicted accepting someone so horrible into your family, but they’re all you have left. That’s how I felt toward my father before he… passed.”
“I’m struggling,” Dimitri admitted. “I know she’ll never accept me, but there's still a part of me deep down that hopes I can change her mind…”
“I see,” Desmond said. “I… I don’t know what to say. I wish all problems could be resolved by a simple conversation but, well, I tried that with my father and look where that went.”
“I think talking to people is good!” Aurora said. “You humans have different opinions and views on the world and it’s interesting to hear them! And I believe that there’s always a peaceful solution to any problem, something that my predecessors couldn’t comprehend.”
Dimitri looked at Desmond, and they shared a look of slight concern and pity. Aurora was young, despite carbon dating labeling her over a million years ago. She hadn’t gone out and seen the world for all it was, she was still a naive child who thought everyone was truly a good person.
“Aurora-” Desmond started, but Dimitri interrupted.
“You two can have a chat about that later,” he said. “Right now, I need to do some thinking. I didn’t tell Mama about Aurora, so we need to figure out what to do with that.”
“Hmm,” Desmond hummed, eyebrows once again knitted together, this time in concentration. “Perhaps a change of tactics would be good.”
“What do you mean?” Dimitri asked, and Desmond smiled.
“It means, I need to call a certain someone with an affinity for flirting and pretending to be in love with men she’s wholly uninterested in.”
It all came down to this. Dimitri double-checked himself in the bathroom mirror to make sure he looked slightly more alive than usual, adjusted his green tie, and made sure the collar of his orange shirt was folded down correctly. He hadn’t worn this outfit in years, it’s a miracle he managed to find it amongst his stuff he saved from the rubble of the Towering Pagoda.
Meanwhile, Desmond was no doubt getting a PowerPoint presentation from Charity on how to act like a stereotypical cishet woman, despite Charity in no way being an expert of heterosexuality.
It was almost time for Mrs Allen to appear, and Dimitri exited the bathroom to find Desmond all dolled up.
Des was dressed like a model, his makeup seemed to completely transform his face into a more feminine one. His hair was Un-Breaded, now about waist length and curly instead of the traditional loaf it was before. It seemed he even wore a corset and fake breasts to further sell the illusion he was a she.
Dimitri couldn’t find this character attractive if he tried.
“Um… hi,” he managed, feeling slightly uncomfortable seeing his boyfriend be a girlfriend.
“Like what you see?” Des asked with a wink.
“No,” Dimitri said plainly. “I’m gay. I don’t find women attractive.”
“You do know I’m not actually a woman, and this is pretend, right?” Des said.
“I do,” Dimitri said, “But there’s just… There's just something wrong with this picture. Not that I’m saying you’re wrong for wanting to do this for me! That’s not what I’m saying! But there’s just… something getting in the way of me finding you attractive. I think it’s the fact you’re specifically trying to become a woman that’s doing it for me. It’s not the outfit or the makeup or anything, it’s the context I guess.”
“Ah, that makes sense,” Des said. “Well, at least that means it works.”
“Alright you two!” Charity said, smiling. “I think I heard the doorbell! That must be her! You two get into position and this can begin!”
“Wait, she’s staying?” Dimitri asked Des, making a vague motion at Charity.
“Yes,” Desmond said. “She’s posing as another housekeeper, so she can help if anything goes wrong. Raymond will also be here, but we can’t solely rely on him to do everything if an issue were to occur.”
“Makes sense, I suppose,” Dimitri said. “Alright, I think I’m ready.”
“Hello Mrs Allen!” Charity said, answering the door. “Please, come inside, your son has been eagerly awaiting your arrival.”
“Thank you miss,” Mrs Allen said, and she entered the house.
That’s when Dimitri accepted that he was never ready for this.
“Mama, it’s so nice to see you again!” He managed to force a smile, and Desmond did the same. “How was your trip?”
“Horrible,” Mrs Allen said. “There was an Irish man on the train who spoke some bastardized version of English, I couldn’t understand a thing he said.”
That’s Scots, Mama, Dimitri thought. The man was Scottish. “Well, English is our second language,” he settled on saying. “There are bound to be some things we don’t understand.”
“Would you like some tea?” Charity asked, and Dimitri noticed Des cringe at her horrible attempt at a British accent. Mrs Allen didn’t seem to notice, as she just accepted the offer.
“Now, you are being rude!” She said, glaring at Dimitri. “You haven’t introduced your Lady!”
“R-right!” Dimitri fidgeted with his hands, wishing he could’ve worn his scarf. Whenever he wore his special gray scarf, he felt a bit more comfortable in the world. “This is Des…iree. Desiree Sycamore.”
“Charmed to meet you, Mrs Allen,” Desmond said in a sickeningly accurate feminine voice. “Your son has said so much about you!”
“I’m pleased to meet you too, Desiree,” Dimitri’s mother said, shaking Des’s hand. “I brought gifts for my future daughter in-law, I hope you enjoy.” She handed over a large bag filled with an assortment of expensive gifts. There were a few bottles of champagne, a box of fancy imported chocolates, and a very beautiful looking scented candle. As horrible as Mrs Allen could be, Dimitri had to admit she was good at bringing gifts.
“Thank you mama,” Dimitri said.
“Greetings, Ma’am,” Raymond said, appearing out of nowhere in typical Raymond fashion. “I am Raymond, the family butler. Please, join us for lunch.”
“That’s a wonderful idea,” Desmond said, smiling. “Yes, we can chat over some food. You no doubt have a lot to catch up on with your son.”
“You British are so polite,” Mrs Allen said. “Yes, let us go eat.”
Dimitri had a bad feeling about this, but he wasn’t sure about what…
“So…” Mrs Allen started, once the “family” sat down to eat. “When can I be expecting grandchildren?”
“Oh,” Dimitri said. This question. Mama, we aren’t even married yet. “Well…”
“I can’t have children,” Desmond said, with a believable sadness in his voice. “I’ve tried before, but I just… can’t.”
“You two have tried for a child?” Mrs Allen asked, and Dimitri’s face went red.
“W-well,” He started, but was interrupted by a certain Azran showing up.
“Dad?” Aurora asked, entering the dining room. “Where did you put my rocks?” She then noticed Mrs Allen, and slowly started to back away.
“You have a daughter already?” Mrs Allen asked, a mixture of surprise and anger in her voice. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve brought gifts for her!”
“Aurora isn’t my daughter,” Dimitri said. “She’s…” Dimitri forgot the cover story for Aurora, and looked over at Desmond as if to say “Give me a line here” .
“She’s mine,” Charity said, saving the day. “Since I work here, she lives here as well. She calls Dimitri “dad” because he’s a father figure for her.”
“Servants don’t speak unless spoken to,” Mrs Allen snarled, and Charity just nodded and went back to what she was doing before.
“Please do not speak to my fr- er, my servants like that,” Dimitri said. “Remember, you are a guest here.”
“I can speak however I please,” Mrs Allen said. “So, you finally got over your little rebellious phase, Mitya.”
“That I did,” Dimitri lied. “You were right. I was just an immature teenager. I grew out of it and found a girlfriend.”
“That’s wonderful,” Mrs Allen said, smiling. “I knew you’d outgrow being a faggot eventually.”
Dimitri had never before wanted to punch a woman as much as he wanted to right then. He glanced at Desmond, who’s entire body tensed up at that word being spoken. The rage was building, but luckily Charity was there to act as mediator.
“Aurora, dear, did you have something to ask before?”
“Yeah!” Aurora smiled. She didn’t seem to understand the gravity of the word that had just been uttered by Dimitri’s mother, which in this case was good. “Where’s my rock collection? I must’ve misplaced it…”
“I believe it should be in a drawer in your room,” Charity said. “Before you go, is there anything you’d like to tell Mrs Allen? Perhaps… something nice?”
“Ummmmm…” Aurora thought for a moment, and then looked over at Desmond. “I hope you get along with my dads!”
“Dads?” Mrs Allen laughed. “Oh, how old is this one? She seems to be quite confused.”
“I’m over a million years old I’ll have you know!” Aurora said, crossing her arms. “I’m older than your pathetic excuse for a species, you will put respect on my name thank you very much!”
“She certainly has an active imagination,” Desmond said hurriedly. “Aurora, dear, why don’t you go back to your room? We can talk later.”
“Ok, da- er… Ok.” Aurora nodded and left the room, leaving quite the awkward silence in her wake.
“Honestly, the nerve of some people,” Mrs Allen scoffed. “Just because she's a little girl doesn’t mean she can get off the hook for insulting guests like that!”
“She's not a girl,” Desmond instantly responded in his normal voice. He then quickly covered his mouth, but the damage was done.
“What was that?” Mrs Allen glared at Desmond. “And what happened to that voice of yours?”
“She… She sometimes talks in a deeper voice when she’s upset,” Dimitri hurriedly explained. “And we don’t call Aurora a girl, she’s a young woman. Desiree is very particular about the terminology used to refer to her servants.”
“Yes, apologies if I seemed too crass,” Desmond said, feminine voice back. “I treat my servants with the utmost respect, you see.”
“Ah, I see,” Mrs Allen said. “So, what exactly do you do for work that allows you such a magnificent palace to live in?”
“Real estate,” Desmond lied. “It’s quite a lucrative business, you see. I inherited the business from my late father, and he had spent his life building an empire for his family to live off of.”
“Well I’m just relieved my son is marrying someone who chose a sophisticated career path,” Mrs Allen said. “His silly little sciences only landed him in jail.”
“Mama, science isn't silly,” Dimitri responded. “My degree is in theoretical physics, especially pertaining to the polydimensional field. My research on soohla coils and wormholes have brought us into a new era of physics-”
“I was not done!” Mrs Allen interrupted. “You should know more than to interrupt your mother!”
“Fine,” Dimitri said, crossing his arms. “Continue.”
“You’d do well to remember your place, Mitya,” Mrs Allen scoffed. “So, I told my son he should do something that would actually make him money in life. I wanted him to find a nice Russian woman to marry one day, and they can be very picky about their men. They tend to prefer those who make a lot of money, and I simply want the best for my only child.”
“So Alyona doesn’t exist then?” Dimitri interrupted. “Only one child? So she’s dead after all?”
“Mitya! I expected better from you in front of your future wife!” Mrs Allen said, rage in her tone. “Заткнись и позволь мне говорить!”
“Отлично,” Dimitri grumbled. Letting his mom visit was the worst idea he’d ever had. Well, siding with Clive was certainly worse, but trusting his mom was still up there.
“As I was saying!” Mrs Allen said, her nose up in the air as if to show how above everyone she was. “He insisted on his silly little sciences, and look what happened to him!”
“He ended up with me,” Desmond said, and Dimitri nodded in agreement. “I find science fascinating, and his knowledge has been quite useful for multiple different projects I have. I dabble in mechanics on the side, and he’s been such a good help.”
“Hm,” Mrs Allen said. She then turned to Dimitri, and asked in Russian “Итак... она католичка?”
“Нет,” Dimitri responded, also in Russian. “Есть ли проблема с этим?”
Mrs Allen turned her attention back to Desmond. “So, Desiree… Do you go with Mitya to church?”
“No,” Desmond responded. “He hasn’t even gone to church by himself since we started dating.”
Desmond, why did you say that?
Mrs Allen’s eye twitched, and she seemed ready to yell at someone.
“W-well, he’s had a lot of work to do,” Charity interjected. “He’s probably done online worship so he can-”
“That’s worse !” Mrs Allen yelled. “You have to go to church to get church! Online church is the devil!”
“Мама, ты можешь заткнуться?” Dimitri yelled. “You can’t force me to go to church anymore! I’m 40 years old! Stop treating me like I’m still 7!”
“Don’t you dare speak to your mother that way!” Mrs Allen snapped. “Everything was going well until you and your attitude ruined everything like you always do!”
“Would you like something to drink, ma’am?” Raymond said, saving the day, at least for the time being.
“Oh, yes,” Mrs Allen said. “I need a drink after dealing with this сволочь.”
“Don’t call my boyfriend that!” Desmond responded, once again letting his normal voice slip out.
“You… you speak Russian?” Mrs Allen asked, worry painted on her face.
“A little bit,” Desmond said, feminine voice back. “I know enough to know when my boyfriend is being insulted. And calling him a bastard doesn’t exactly reflect well on you, miss.”
“How dare you!” Mrs Allen said. “My son has corrupted your feminine mind, I don’t think this will work out after all.”
“You know what?” Dimitri stood up to his full, impressive 7 foot height. “I’m done. You come into my house, you call me a slur, you insult me to my face, you try to control me even though I’m an adult, and you treat my closest friends like shit! I’m done. Desmond, let's kick her out. I never want to see her again.”
“Desmond?” Mrs Allen’s eyes went wide. “But, her name is-”
“My name is Desmond, you homophobic bitch!” Desmond yelled, standing up as well.
“I’m sick of pretending, mama,” Dimitri said. “I remain as gay as ever. She is actually my boyfriend, professor Desmond Sycamore. Charity is actually his academic assistant, and Aurora is our adopted Azran daughter. You came into my house under the misapprehension that we’d allow you to insult us and tear us to shreds? That was quite a terrible mistake, don’t you think?”
“Y-you demon!” Mrs Allen yelled. “You tricked me!”
“That we did,” Dimitri smirked. “And I don’t want to be associated with someone who requires me to trick them for acceptance.”
“I’m your only living relative!” Mrs Allen yelled. “You can’t just get rid of me!”
“I’d rather have no relatives than one who hates me to my very core,” Dimitri snapped back.
“I raised you! If it weren’t for me, you’d end up just like your sister!”
“Well I’d rather be dead like her than live like you!”
Silence.
Desmond looked at Dimitri, horrified. Charity just slowly backed away and out of the room. Dimitri couldn’t blame her, he wouldn’t want to be involved in someone else’s family drama either.
Mrs Allen, on the other hand, laughed.
She laughed, reminding Dimitri of Clive right before he started the mobile fortress.
“What’s so funny, сука?” Dimitri asked, and Mrs Allen smiled.
“Alyona isn’t dead,” she said. “It’s quite a shame, actually. If I thought you had it in your brain that I killed her, I would’ve actually done it.”
“You’re a monster,” Desmond growled. “Speaking of murdering your children so… casually!”
“I Wouldn’t actually have killed her,” Mrs Allen dismissed. “I simply said that to get a reaction. Since you two see this as a game, I might as well play along. But I was telling the truth about your sister, Dimitri. She’s alive.”
Dimitri was too stunned to speak. Alyona… You’re alive? I… I’m sorry for believing my coward of a mother could ever kill you.
“That doesn’t matter,” Desmond yelled. “Get out of my house, or I’ll make you!”
“Where… where does she live?” Dimitri asked, his voice much softer than before.
“I don’t know,” Mrs Allen said. “But she’s written out of the will. And soon, so will you.”
“Then you have nobody to inherit your things when you die,” Dimitri said.
“I’d rather that than some faggot getting it,” Mrs Allen said.
“Отыебис от меныа,” Dimitri said. “Out. now. I never want to see you again.”
“Fine,” Mrs Allen said. “But I’ll tell everyone I know who you’ve become.”
“Your threats don’t scare me,” Dimitri said. “Get out.”
“You’ll go to hell for your sins!” Mrs Allen yelled, as Dimitri went full on bouncer mode and started forcing her out of the house.
“Yeah, well I’ll see you there,” Dimitri said.
Finally, his mother was out of the house, and he locked the door behind her. He turned around, and let out a sigh of relief.
“That went about as badly as it could’ve,” Dimitri said.
“Well, at least we got some free booze,” Des said. “Want a glass?”
“At this rate, pour me the whole damn bottle,” Dimitri said, and Des nodded in agreement.
“We can drink, have some expensive chocolate, and then make out on the couch for the rest of the day if you want,” Des suggested.
“That sounds wonderful,” Dimitri agreed. “First, however, I think you need to tell someone to leave.”
“Right!” Des facepalmed. “I almost forgot about charity.”
“I’m gonna need a raise for putting up with this,” Charity said.
“I’ll consider it,” Des said. “Thank you for your help.”
“No problem,” Charity said. “I’ll see you at work then.” And she left.
“So…” Des said expectantly.
“And secondly,” Dimitri said, “Please change into something other than your fake woman disguise. I cannot find this attractive in any way.”
“Anything for you, my love,” Des said.
And the demon had been exorcized from the house. Dimitri would never have to see her ever again.
And all was well.