Chapter Text
Ron was sitting on his couch, wearing one of his favorite skirts, since he couldn't exactly wear pants anymore... He thought forlornly about his pants... Anyways, his friend Glenn burned his door down and jumped onto his couch holding some papers.
"Ron, do I have the activity for you!" Glenn shouted, landing in a non-blade pose for once, smiling wide enough that his eyepatch was being pushed back slightly.
"Do you?" Ron put down his book, about how to business, and sat up a bit more officially, making eye contact like Samantha said he should. He looked deeply and intensely into Glenn's eye, which was a light brown flecked with red sparks. His eyes were wide, and he was bouncing on his feet. Glenn slowed down slightly the more Ron made eye contact, blinking once or twice.
"Yes. Yes, I do. How would you like to be a divorce lawyer?" Glenn sat on the top of the couch, shoes on the pillows of the couch. Ron stared at this, and then looked back up at him.
"You can't have shoes on the couch. It gets the cushions dirty" he said, while pointing at his feet, so Glenn knew he was referring to him, and no one else. He nodded, a little slower, and removed his large black boots, and put them gently on the ground behind the couch. "Who am I divorcing?"
"Morgan and Jodie!" Glenn's face broke into a huge smile, wide but tight, barely any teeth. Ron's pretty sure that means mischief, but he's not good at faces.
"Aren't you and Morgan dating? Scam and Jodie are also dating. Why aren't they divorced?" Ron was very confused, but maybe it was that polystyrene thing Henry was talking about a few months ago.
"Yeah, they thought they were divorced. I just was doing some paperwork for me and Morgan's wedding, which is tomorrow, and it turns out, they're still married. I could annul it, but divorce is way better. Means Morgan can take even more from that fucking narc. That's where you come in! I need you to be Morgan and Jodie's lawyer, since I promised both of them a lawyer, and Darryl is busy."
"Henry?"
"Nope, He's still on that retreat with the twins, some druidic hippie shit."
"Erin?"
"Too much paper involved. She also doesn't like me that much, for understandable reasons."
"Walter?"
"Already asked, said no."
"Uh... Terry jr?"
"Minors can't be lawyers, Ron."
"Nick? Oh, wait sorry, Narc?" Glenn laughed at that one.
"Nah, he's just Nicky now. Kids finding his own way, I'm super proud of him. But, yeah, again, legal minors can't be lawyers. Besides, you're the businessman with a plan, man!" Glenn winked at him, giving him the finger guns, with his normal right hand and massive left hand. Ron shrugged, and got off the comfy couch, brushing himself off.
"When do we do this?" Glenn smiled widely, getting off the couch and putting his shoes on quickly. Ron watched this, and decided he should get his shoes as well, putting on his favorite shoes, lime green crocs. Glenn grabbed him by the arm, and his long skirt whipped with him. He pulled Ron closer to him, body covered with scars from their adventure in the forgotten realms. Glenn looked down at him, even if the height difference wasn't really that much.
"We can head out right now!" His vision enveloped in flame, and it felt familiar to Ron for a second, as the flames licked the edges of the long skirt, like all the pants he had lost, all those beautiful pairs that were now gone. A comforting warmth washed over him, flames covering his vision a wonderful, twisted dance. Glenn's large arm and his normal arm was wrapped around him. Then, as soon as it had started, the flames dissipated, and the two of them were in a wooden office, with boring green chairs, and a balding man in a chair which was currently leaning away from them in surprise.
"I got the lawyer! His names Ron." Ron nodded, and waved, to the three people in the room, him, Jodie, and Morgan. They were all sitting in front of a bland brown wooden desk covered with various trinkets, sunlight shining through a high window to Ron's left. He sat in the chair in between Jodie and Morgan, and out of the corner of his eye, he could see Glenn sit on top of the heater in the corner.
"I am here to represent these people as their lawyer." Ron said, gesturing to both people.
"Wait, what? You can't be both of our lawyers, that's not how that works at all." Jodie leaned forward and looked at Ron with a face full of some emotion. He had no idea what emotion, but it sure was one!
"Says who? You a cop or something?" Glenn's voice was wobbly as he spoke, like he was trying to stop himself from laughing, and Jodie glared at him. Ron could recognize glares, since his father had a similar expression frequently.
"Yes, Glenn. I am a cop. You know this" Jodie's skin started to get hotter, filling the room with a more uncomfortable warmth then the one of Glenn's flames. Morgan sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She glared at Jodie, gesturing to the already confused man. Who was probably the judge or something.
"Let's just get this over with. I want full custody of Nickolas, the house, and all the things that I owned prior to the marriage. You can have everything else." Morgan said, always the only one to take charge. The judge turned to Jodie, since they didn't seem to think that Ron was actually a lawyer. Might have been the 'Hi I'm Ron' merch he was wearing. 'Hi, I'm Ron' wasn't a lawyer.
"I want custody of Nicky too! Ron, tell her!" Jodie shook him gently on the arm, burning a bit of his arm hair. Ron gently patted down the singed hair. Jodie, ever since becoming full demon again, had been more susceptible to accidently burning people when frustrated. Glenn had also apparently also had this problem but was able to keep it more under wraps than Jodie. Ron was pretty much the only person besides Morgan that the brothers made physical contact with regularly, since he was so good at dodging fire, and fire didn't really hurt that much anyways.
"Right. We want custody of Nicky on every other Thursday of January, and all weekends in March." Ron stated, trying to high ball the offer, a type he read in his business book.
"What?" Morgan looked at him with an expression that honestly could have meant anything.
"Ok, every day in leap year then!"
"That's...yeah sure, Ron."
"Ok cool"
"Not cool! Not cool! I don't want to only see Nicky every four years!" Jodie cut in a loud stage whisper, pulling Ron aside.
"Right, right. Then we want him every other decade."
"In a decade he won't be in anyone's custody Ron." Glenn interjected, pointing as he spoke.
"Oh. Ok, then we want full custody" the Judge held up a hand and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I'm sorry, but who are you representing when you say we, Mr...?" the judge waved his hand in the air in a motion Ron assumes is a gesture for something.
"Oh, there's only two Misters here, and I'm only representing one of them." Ron got an idea that could be very good but also very bad, which turned out to be most of his ideas anyways. "Unless Mr. Close is also divorcing somebody, then I can help with that."
"I mean, I am planning on getting married, someone here in this room too" Glenn looks at the space in the room and tilts his head towards them in a weird way "I only have the one eye, so it's kinda hard to tell, but I am moving whatever muscles are left in my eye, and I am winking. This is me trying to wink. Yep"
Jodie just glared at Glenn, the small hairs on his arm alighting with small fires as he clenched the now singed chair, which was also splintering in a way that Darryl would know how to fix. Darryl is very good at woodworking, so Ron could ask him for help with the chair. Morgan smiled for the first time since Ron had entered the room and gained a strong look on her face.
"Look, why don't we ask Nicky himself how he wants to figure out living with us from now on? He physically needs to visit hell, right? So, obviously, he can't..." Morgan sighs deeply, and looks down at the ground near the bottom of the Judge's desk, with her pupils looking watery. Glenn moved over to her, and puts his normal arm on her shoulder gently, way gentler than he normally is. "He can't stay with me full time. So, maybe he could visit on weekends? Or something similar?"
Jodie's white knuckles gained back some color as he looked down where Morgan was looking, having a similar watery look, even if it was more lava-y than anything else. "There's... If I train him, and if he is willing to do some extra work, he could theoretically have enough power to remain in this plane for longer amounts of time. But it would have to mean... Well. You already know." Jodie was avoiding the glaring eye contact coming from Morgan.
"NO. I'm-He's not going to-Even if-No. I'm not letting my boy go through something like that at this age, he's only 16 for fucks sake, he shouldn't have to-" Morgan moved to stand up, but Glenn gently pushed her back down, looking at her in a way Ron couldn't quite place (he wasn't very good at placing things anyways)
"Yeah, yeah no I'm not going to force him to do... you know what. But he's going to have to, or unfortunately, maybe even need to someday. It's natural, and just part of who he and I am, what we are."
"If I had known-"
"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW, OK?!" Jodie stood up, slamming a large, angry fist into the already damaged chair. Smoke rose up from his skin which began to get darker and redder. The room began to smell of sulfur and ash, as Jodie shook with a rage that, somehow, didn't seem to be for Morgan. "I didn't know. If I had- I- I don't know what I would have done, but certainly not this."
Morgan had another strange look on her face, and she sighed again. Ron was pretty sure sighing is good, Henry had said breathing is important when you are stressed, and this seemed to be very stressful. And it wasn't even Ron's fault! "Let's just get this over with, ok? And then, we can never talk to each other again."
"Deal."
"Deal."
"Cool! Morgan wants Sundays through Wednesdays, and Jodie will take the rest. Holidays can be alternated, so that it's fair. Cool?" Ron looked between both of his clients. They seemed satisfied, since they weren't saying anything.
"And possessions?" Jodie raised a hand
"We already figured out the items situation. We just needed custody."
"Well, if that's all, I call this ajourned, and say that the two of you are officially divorced. Congratulations" Morgan's lips were tight together, and Jodie didn't seem very happy, but not angry either, but it didn't matter. Another successful business venture for Ron Stampler! Now, to officiate a wedding.
...
Now, to google how to officiate a wedding!
...
Wait, Ron has to be a what?