Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He seemed not at all interesting to me at first, a case of misplaced self confidence that of which I have seen a good many times. He seemed nothing more than a common obsessive compulsive, a narcissist, and all around nothing to write home about.
Of course that was until I got a little closer and saw that just under the surface was a picture far more complicated than I had anticipated. Something constructed not out of pure dumb luck like he would convince one to believe but of careful consideration and planning.
His reputation preceded him, and it was quite frankly a bit confusing. Most spoke of him in hushed tones with reverence, some spoke openly of how skilled he was, but he himself never seemed to do anything of note that I could find any concrete information about or evidence of.

I can tell you this much without giving away my story, he was indeed obsessive as I had surmised, and indeed it was to a fault. But it was all in a very, very productive way that these faults were realized. He was obsessed with his image, connections and his success. Often, he was able to overcome massive ego to make his connections, that’s just how obsessed he was with winning. It was an self feeding cycle, he would make a new friend, wire a new camera, find a new use for his contraptions and in turn his head would get even bigger. He had almost total control over the United Underworld organization, but if you asked one in the program they wouldn’t be able to tell you the full scope of his reach. No one, not even closest friend, knew entirely of his reach. I’d venture to say even he didn’t, but he would just assume he could do whatever he wanted, that he always would find a friend.

Nothing about him is unintentional. His ridiculous and gaudy bright neon green costume was a particularly intriguing example of this, it wasn’t just green because he liked the color, it wasn’t just blindingly bright because he wanted to be seen, it was all to sell the brand. And the brand was complete shallowness and ineptitude. One would think with his reputation, that his efforts were not paying out at all, but that’s not true. When one thought of him, the first thing that came to mind was the ridiculousness of his nature, his nasally voice, his spandex suit, his shining golden question mark cane, and that man I’ve described is a bit hard to think of as more than a joke. Then, came all the rumors, but because of the way he looked no one could tell what about them was true, if anything at all. Surely this complete buffoon of a man couldn’t possibly be actually monitoring everyone’s every move, he wouldn’t have the materials to.

It was no mistake that he was one of the four co-founders of the United Underworld, he was actually integral to the operation. He had eyes and ears everywhere at every point in time, in the dingy halls of the Underworld’s headquarters and on every street corner, in every house. One would not be able to escape his omnipresent gaze.

In reality, there is no such thing as Edward Nygma, there is no Riddler, and whoever he might’ve been before that certainly didn’t exist now either. All that remained was a mirror, reflecting back whatever one wanted to see. An ever-shifting never quite there shape of a man that might have once been a human being, now though in his pursuit to be all powerful could not exist. For everyone to like him, for everyone to respect him, he had to become everyone.

When I had first taken an interest in him, I got a bit too close a bit too soon. Because I could not yet grasp the fullness of his capabilities, I thought his interest back was genuine and not just another part of the image. He would push back uncomfortably, and make me think I was getting somewhere, but he never hurt me in any way that mattered the way I tried to do him. He would not let me get close enough to do such to him. Whatever I could find was superficial. Whatever I knew, he knew I knew and made it obsolete for my usage.
But let’s not get ahead. What had started me down this road was almost unnoticeable to one that wasn’t looking for a way in, but very noticeable for one who was.
He had a habit of hiding behind his henchwomen, and he always had a good many options for doing so around him.
It was strange, he did it constantly but not when threatened and not when in any danger, just whenever some sort of woman-type he had a connection to was around.

This was especially true of his partner in crime, Catwoman. The woman who made my deep dive into her best friend possible, thief extraordinaire, as well as a very lightweight and small individual. True though it was that Catwoman was above average in height, and it tracks that she was also above average in weight, due to the very nature of her crimes she did not look physically imposing at all, she didn’t need to. She needed to be graceful and quick, get in get out as fast as humanly or felinely possible. Which was why I had noticed it. Catwoman is a slim, 5’9 woman clad in a soft black catsuit, conversely, Riddler is a built, 6’0 man with an ego larger than the mass of Jupiter. It seemed almost comical for him to be hiding behind her, a hand on her shoulder, like a shy child on his first day of school. But the bizarre thing is that whenever she had had him behind her, she looked more imposing. Her void-black eyes became darker as she surveyed the surrounding crowd of people for threats to her precious best friend, the sharp knife like golden press on nails seemed not for opening walls or glass casing, but for opening live human bodies, and she only had this look when a man who could fairly easily lift her put a slightly trembling hand on her back and took a step behind her.

What I had learned from this, is that even if there was no threat to someone like myself, Riddler was scared of what was going on around him. It could be something totally irrational, it could be something of substance, but he was scared. And he seemed to be scared all the time, or at least more willing to show it whenever one of his girls were around. He hid behind his henchwomen because he was always convinced something was going wrong that he couldn’t see, and he spoke to his women people in a hushed whisper because he was always convinced they would know what it was and how to fix it. That, that is what made him interesting to me. It could mean so many things, but mainly, it meant that Riddler was not infallible. He just needed someone to trust for all of his worst fears to come out.

“I think someone stole the… eighteenth wheel.” He had mumbled what he thought stolen so quietly I was sure even he could barely hear it, and what was the ‘Eighteenth Wheel’?

“That’s not possible. With all your security?”

“I-” He just sighed.

“Right. I will go check on it, you get back to work.” And she stalked away, leaving him behind. He held out his hand as though she were still there for a half-second then removed it from the phantom shoulder and walked out in an opposite direction.

In most cases, I find the large headquarters of the United Underworld being fully crowded to be incredibly tedious, annoying and most of all distracting. But to it’s benefit, in this situation I was close in invisible in the crowd of D and C-listers trying to find their way to the workspaces they had to share as none of them were full members with their own labs like myself or the woman I was now trailing.

She walked at a normal pace, bobbing and weaving through the D-listers as one would expect of a high ranking woman in charge, stopping briefly when she found an empty hall and turning the corner.

Her heels clicked against the floor tile as she turned the corner and picked up the pace, pulling her golden lensed goggles over the black mask that already covered that half of her face. One would expect, knowing every part of her strangely elaborate costume is functional, that her goggles functions could be condenses into the mask on her face, but that just wasn’t the case. She stopped abruptly, almost tripping me over. She pressed a button on the side of her goggles, and pulled the hood of her catsuit up over her head, then, the seemingly fabric ears stood taut. They were listening for things her human ears could not pick up, if the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, in this state she would hear it. I thought, considering no hair of mine did such a thing, that I was in the clear, until she turned and faced me.

“Good show, spooky.” Catwoman said in her constantly sultry tone.

“But it’s over now.” She continued when I said nothing, I stood still and hoped that she would give up and just let me follow her. A stupid hope, yes, but one that I held for a second.

Catwoman brandished the gold plated knife she kept hooked on her side and lept, pinning me against the wall with her blade to my throat.

“I’ll give you an option, you leave now and I don’t slit your throat, or…” She trailed off, leaving whatever she might do with the blade up to the imagination.

I took the former option, because there was one other avenue I could use to figure out this problem.

As I walked out of the hallway, empty excepting the on the move Catwoman, my new plan fell right into my lap. Recent recruit, Riddler henchman, young, stupid, and distracted, Bookworm was now the only person roaming the main lobby of the headquarters.
Usually, the eighteen year old Bookworm was spry. He was, in fact, hired for his incredibly quick reaction times and used by the Riddler to watch every camera he had put up. It was an amazing thing, that when Bookworm was attentive and alert that he could see and process everything around him in a matter of seconds, even when there are different things going on everywhere he looked. A truly useful apprentice, I’m sure.

However, when he was not doing his job, he had a tendency to let his mind wander. It could be the stress of having to watch and take note of everything happening at all times, or perhaps he just got lost in his books more than the average person, but either way, when he was outside of the Riddler’s lab and out reading you could knock him over and he wouldn’t notice. He probably wouldn’t even stand back up, simply get comfortable in whatever position he had landed in and keep reading.

I was lucky to catch him as he was, mind empty and simply walking around aimlessly in the lobby before me. I walked to him and blocked his path. He seemed either to not notice or not care, he just bumped into me and without looking up turned around. I grabbed his arm and he still did not notice. For a split second I wondered what he might be thinking is happening, maybe he isn’t thinking about it at all. I pulled him back and he did not struggle, but I could see he started to take a bit of notice of his surroundings, his impeccable instincts almost getting a chance to kick in. Unfortunately, I needed his knowledge of his boss, so I knocked him out in a very swift and medical way, as I was trained to do with perhaps a particularly unruly patient.

When he woke up, his fedora hung over his face and the reading light attached shined directly in his eyes so that he could not see me at first, but he was tied to that he couldn’t turn it off, which was the next thing he noticed and began to move as much as he could to get the light out of his face. Of course, if I let him do that, he would know where everything is and probably find a way to escape faster than it took me to get him here. So every little bit of give the hat found, I in turned secured it more.

As he struggled, he began to speak. “What do you want from me? Who are you?”

“What is the Eighteenth Wheel?”

“What- How do you-” But he trailed off, clearly the training Riddler had put him through for a hostage situation was kicking in. If I wasn’t smart about this, I wouldn’t get an answer from the kid at all.

“Who do you work for?” I asked, trying to formulate a plan as I went along.

“Oh- please… give me a- urgh- break. You already know that.” He sounded very agitated, as his struggling would not get him far, but he still thrashed about like a washed up fish.
“I’ll never get anything out of you, will I? Well.. that is, unless you want to tell me the battery life on that reading light of yours.” From what I could see of his face, he seemed to recognize that he might lose his vision by keeping up his training, but he still hadn’t given up yet.

“No? I guess you’d better hope it dies soon, then. Wouldn’t want to lose that precious eyesight of yours any further.” At the reminder of his glasses, Bookworm tried furiously to push them up the bridge of his nose. I took the thick black frames as quickly as I could without disturbing the light in his eyes and found that there was a screen on the lenses and on the side a microphone embedded, but he wouldn’t be able to use his last bastion of hope to call for help, as I threw them across the room and the lenses shattered.

“Now… I think you might be all out of options.”

“I’m not telling you anything.” Bookworm spat, and tried shaking his head as quickly as he could to get the light out of his eyes. I held his hat down on his head until he stopped.

“He- he’ll kill me!” Bookworm tried to plead.

“You think I won’t?”

He got silent for a while, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to keep the light out for as long as he could before shouting out.

“Alright! Alright, just take the stupid- just turn off the reading light!!” I pushed it more towards his eyes.

“I will when you tell me what you know.”

“It- it- the- oh he’s gonna be so mad…” He struggled for a second more, but when I pressed the light further and almost touched his eye he freaked out and gave up entirely.

“The Eighteenth Wheel is- it’s- the most important component to his new super computer- oh my god just take that thing out of my eyes- it’s- it’s what’s going to connect him to every computer in the city.”

Fascinating. Bookworm began to cry quietly as I had not yet taken the light out of his eyes, I wiped away a stray tear with the pad of my thumb and dug the rest of my nails into the side of his face which, I would like to note, still stubbornly clung onto baby fat, giving him a bit of resistance to the sharp nails I was attempting to puncture his cheek with. He shook with fear, but stopped crying and gave me a pitiful look from behind the bright light.

“And someone stole it?”

“I- I don’t…” He sniffed. “I don’t know.”

From what I could gather, it didn’t help him to lie in this situation anymore, and the news had only broken out maybe ten minutes ago. Perhaps the kid really didn’t know. I took my hand away from his face and turned out the light, he blinked a few times, probably still unable to see. I prepared a syringe of the toxin and pressed the needle to his neck. He began to cry again;

“Wait! Wait- wait- no! No, no, I did- I did what you asked! I told you everything I knew, please!!”

“Yes, I know. That’s why this isn’t a full dose.”

“He’s going to- oh my god- he’s going to use this! He’ll find a cure through me and I’ll- no! No! Stop!”

“Well, when he does tell him to give me a call. I’d love to hear his process.” I pushed the needle into a vein in his neck and pushed further the plunger. The effect was immediate, though not as intense as it could’ve been. Bookworm was actually rather silent, but he shook violently and had such a far off look in his eye so I knew that it was working despite his lackluster reaction.

I dragged him from my lab back into the lobby by his long since discarded book and placed the reading material over his eyes. I watched him for a second, then left to go back to my lab. I’m sure Catwoman would find him on her way back.

It was impossible to take two steps anywhere around the headquarters and not see a camera. I knew who they belonged to, of course, as did everyone else. So I had to assume whatever I knew he did as well. Which was very upsetting, or it would be if I didn’t now have a motive for continuing on. If his most valued possession really was stolen, which I was sure it was based on the urgency of Catwoman’s walk, then I could help him find it. Even if I hadn’t a clue where to look or what to look for. However, from now on I would have to plan in secret. It would be hard because always I would be watched. If I were not careful I would be caught in a situation which I could not explain away, or luck out of. But it did not matter to me. It seemed worth it. This experiment was only the beginning.

Besides, it would be a lot less entertaining if it were easy. If I just wanted to kill him. He’s revolved his entire career around being unkillable, undefeatable. I respect it to a degree, really I do, and it is very respectable. He has made it so that there is only one possible way in; through. I don’t take as any simple task, and so it shouldn’t be. If I want to get through to him I have to convince him that I don’t, or perhaps that I have some other motivation. That’s the only possible plan I could’ve made, I did not yet, as I have already said, know the full scope of his reach and it would come to the detriment of any other more complicated plan I had thought up at the time. There is no simple way through, there is no plan you can make, one has to be as adaptable as he is. One has to use his own strategies against him.

Now, with my leverage, came time to speak to the man himself. With one issue, there was no easy way to him. If I let him come to me it would certainly not be good news but if I had found no way to him, I would find no way to spin this story.

Bookworm wouldn’t be useful in this state, Catwoman was too strong to overpower, and it’s not as though there were a directory in the lobby.

But that’s the best part about him having a friend everywhere, is that one doesn’t need a directory to find someone if their friend is right in front of oneself, ready and willing to trust whatever story one feeds them.

Penguin was this friend. He waddled quickly down the hallway in front of my lab, third co- founder of the United Underworld and large donator to the organization, with goons in tow. I quickly caught up to them and stopped him for a chat.

“Wenk! Can’t you see I’m busy!!”

“This is important.” I assured him.

“Oh, what is it?” He asked, clearly annoyed but having to stop nonetheless.

“I know where the driver is. Riddler’s Eighteenth Wheel.”

He laughed, throwing his head back and revealing very sharp white teeth.

“No you don’t!” Penguin clocked me.

“Do you really want to take that chance? I won’t talk to anyone but him, because it wouldn’t be responsible to let anyone steal it before he can take it back for himself. Don’t you think?” He seemed a bit conflicted, but ever the businessman gave me a smile, closed his eyes and opened them with a matter-of-fact statement.

“You don’t know where it is, because I have it. And I’m not giving you any directions.”

“I’m sure Joker will, then. He loves to start infighting, and between such major leaders? Whew. Of course, as long as you think you can win against Riddler. You know what I heard?” I leaned in, so only Penguin and not his goons could hear. He looked up at me, bewildered.

“I heard he’s got half of your men in his pocket. Which one of these two do you think is going to stand beside you? Or maybe you got really… unlucky.”

“What do you want?”

“Simple, I want the driver, then I want to know where Riddler is.”

“It’s not that simple, not with him. Wenk! You have no idea what you’re going up against!” He laughed at me again but relented.

“He’s just down the hall. Turn the corner and you’ve got the big door, but he won’t let you in.”

“Not without the driver.”

“Not at all! But I’d rather you get shot than me, so here.” He pulled a strange mechanical thing from out of his pocket. “You made me realize trying to negotiate would be a stupid idea, so I’ll live. You go have fun, wenk!” With his last quack, he turned away and gave me the simplest answer to my problem. If I left, just turned the corner, and offered this to him… he would think I stole it. Or worse, it could be a fake. So then what could my story be? How long did I have before his little pseudo-family returned and ratted me out? What would I do then?

I turned the corner, and was met with something I had never seen before. It was almost funny, I had never been down this side of the hallway before because I never needed to, but here was the object of my attention, right down the hall from my own lab.

It was a large metal door, larger than any of the normal metal doors around the rest of the headquarters, and it was ridiculously decked out with security features. A fingerprint scanner, a keypad with numbers and symbols, a conveyor belt which may or may not have been part of the way in, and finally, right at the top of the door, an automatic machine gun attached to the wall. Then, on the opposite corner of the gun, a camera booted up and a tinny voice came from the speaker attached to it. Unmistakably him.

“You must be insane.” He said.

“I’ve considered the possibility.”

“But you’ve got my wheel, so a functioning crazy person.” He laughed.

“So it’s real, then?”

“Might be. What are you gonna do if it is?”

“Why would I tell you that?”

“I- ha! So you aren’t as stupid as you look! You’ve gone through so much trouble already just to meet lil’ ol’ me, and it would be a shame to let you die like this. So you know what? I’ll give you the privilege, the honor, of making your dreams come true.” He stopped speaking, and the camera retracted back into the wall.

The giant metal door slid open, hydraulics hissing and screeching as it did so. It was dark inside his lab. It was so dark even I couldn’t see, and then the lights flickered on. The lights flickered on to a great big room, covered floor to ceiling in screens. Screens which showed nothing, nothing but static. I almost walked inside the room, not realizing that there was absolutely nothing in the room.

“What’s the matter?” Probably one of the screens, or maybe something outside the room said.
“What’s the matter?” It repeated.
“What’s the matter?”

“What’s the matter?”

I snapped out of it and looked away from the room full of static.

“Aw, man! Just a second more, you know. A half of a second more and you would’ve been in here. Just because you can’t see me now doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have.”

He paused for a second, then continued;
“Just toss the wheel in and I’ll leave you alone, go on, just toss it in. You won’t even have to look. You won’t have to look and I’ll leave you alone and you can do… whatever you want.”

I didn’t speak to the speaker or whatever he was using to project his voice in that awful pitch, with that horrible feedback noise under it.

“Are you kidding me? You just made the argument to Penguin, you know you won’t beat me! So what are you doing?!”

He was right. But I couldn’t lose this in. I had to speak to it, had to speak to him. But I had no idea what to say.

“Come and find me.” Was the only thing I could get out before running, trying to dodge whatever defense he would have activated.

I caught my breath in the once again flooded lobby. It must be lunch hour or something, but I was thankful for the limited cover of D-listers. Thankful, that was, until I realized I would never hear anything coming in all of the noise.

“Move!” A woman shouted, thankfully solving my problem as her voice carried and drove a hush over everyone in either of our ways, the crowd parted wherever she screamed. “Move!” Her voice came again, and I had to get out of there as fast as I could.

Catwoman came stomping after me, running as fast as her heeled boots allowed which was absurdly fast. She suddenly became silent, no longer screaming out commands because the crowd had already parted in her wake. Tactical decision, one that could kill me if I didn’t think of something fast.

I got an idea as I ran from her, I threw the driver into someone’s pocket. I grabbed it back and switched it into someone else’s pocket as we played ring around the rosie in and out of the stopped crowd. She leapt through the middle, almost catching me as I once again switched the stunned person holding the wheel.

Once I had been convinced that Catwoman had lost track of where the driver was, I stopped dead in the middle for her to tackle me. The crowd began swarming around us and leaving to wherever again, and she pushed my head to the ground.

“Where did you put it?”

“I don’t remember, but I think you’d better find it before someone else does.” I had at least gotten Catwoman off my back for the time being, as she bounded after the crowd stopping as many people as she could with her commanding voice.

I unlocked the door to the headquarters and ran outside into the tunnels that lead to the above world, of course I had about twenty feet of tunnel to traverse through before I got anywhere close to the above world so…

“Hiya.” The Riddler and a large amount of his goons blocked the passage. His two henchwomen Echo and Query boxed me in on the other side.

Chapter Text

“I don’t have it.”

“I know. And that’s perfectly fine! I’ll find it, or, I suppose, Catwoman will. And then we’ll destroy that one because I already have a new one.”

He must have assumed I was shocked, so he further clarified;

“Oh my, you didn’t think I’d risk it all on one copy did you? No, of course not. Of course… not, no I have- well let me explain it in simple terms, yeah? It’s a bunch of wires, and code, and wires and code are not one of a kind. So was it important? Sort of. But I’m sure whoever ended up with it wouldn’t even know how to use it, so I’m not worried.”

He walked towards me.

“I know what you want, what this whole thing’s been about.” He said, stopping right in front of me. He turned his head and twirled his cane.

“It’s what everything should be about, y’know? Me! And you overheard a conversation, figured it could be an easy way in, gave my best sidekick brain damage- oh, sorry girls… best male sidekick. Sorry, where was I? Oh, right. Manipulate one of the highest ranking members of the Double U, and very cleverly turn your head away from my screens. I’ll say, you didn’t make it easy on me. I like that, actually.” He faced me again, and I could see nothing of his eyes as they were covered by both a green domino mask and what seemed to be white reflectors.

“You don’t have much in the way of connections, and that’s my nice way of saying that you actually don’t have anything in the way of connections. So why not join the crew?”

I thought he wouldn’t give me time to answer, as he hadn’t for his entire monologue thus far, but he paused and tilted his head with an expectant smile.

“No.”

“No?” The white reflectors over his eyes opened wider, they must move in tandem with his expression.

“No?? No??? Well that’s- No?” He turned his head and blinked, exasperated.

“What was all of this for then? Make me a little scared for a second, or- or- what? Did you think you would blow my mind? Oh my, you’re such a devilish little scamp! Why- you fooled the biggest fool on the founders team, not including the literal fool, and you made my poor little henchman get very treatable and very temporary eye and brain damage, you fiend! You scur! Oh, whatever shall I do? My empire is toppling, so cometh the fall of Rome! You’ve done it now, good sir! You’ve killed me with your brilliance!!” He scoffed.

“This is just phase one.”

“Dead people don’t get next phases, Dr. Crane. Oops, sorry, little party trick I like to use. But that leads into my next point, doctor, I know everything about everything and everyone. I know where you live, where you work, ironic by the way, where you were born, where you went to school, I even know what you order every time you eat out! It’s fried chicken, by the way.” He said, turning to face his groupies, and then back to me.

“I come with you or I die, is what you’re saying?”

“Well I’m glad you’re all caught up! I’m not saying it would be a devastating loss, but you’ve got merit. It would be shame to let your legacy end with you, wouldn’t it? And it would give you something to do with all the freetime you have between quote unquote planning and non action. Besides, you’d have all the best chemists in Gotham to do your bidding. All you’d have to do… is agree to work under me. You’d be at the same level as… Catwoman, or the boy. Query, what’s the boy’s name?”

“Bookworm.” Query answered, startlingly closer to my back than she had been before.

“Sure, yeah, that’s- oh man that’s a good name- you’d get wonderful benefits.”

“And be stuck doing your bidding.”

“What? I mean, nothing’s free, pumpkin. Well sure, yeah, you’d be doing my bidding as you so eloquently put it, but it’s not like you’d have no freedom at all.”

“Why are you trying to convince me? Why don’t you just kill me?”

He leaned in very close.

“I think you’re cute.” And pulled his face away from mine with a giggle.

“And! Dot, dot, dot, I want the recipe for fear toxin. You didn’t write it down, so I kill you, it dies with you and I lose just a little bit. Not devastating enough for me to not kill you, but just annoying enough that I’m willing to negotiate so I won’t have to start from scratch. See, aren’t I just such an honest and lovely guy, doesn’t it just make ya wanna come and work for me?”
He paced as he spoke, and stopped back in front of me when he was finished. He put the tip of his cane on my shoulder.

“So…?”

“............Fine.”

“Wonderful, fantastic, amazing! Boys, you’re dismissed.” The ground blocking the tunnels funneled back into the headquarters through them. “Girls, I think someone wants to talk to new colleague Dr. Crane. Make sure they don’t kill each other, alright? Oh, and don’t worry about having to see me all the time. I don’t want you to bother me so you stay where you’ve always been, ‘kay? I’ll call on you if I need you, and hey, you live another day! Don’t fuck it up! Au revoir, Doctor, ladies!” With that final statement, Riddler waved goodbye and followed his men into the tunnels.

“He’ll learn your name soon enough, don’t worry.” Echo put her hand on my shoulder.

“I thought he already knew my name.” And both Echo and Query laughed.

“Yeah, no- he does totally.” Query laughed out and put her hand on my other shoulder.

“He’s the one who named us, and he still calls us Dierdre and Nina sometimes. He’s not good with names.” Echo pushed me slightly and we all began walking back into the building.

“That’s not true, he’s great with real names. But he’s complete shit with regular names.”

“Do all conversations between members of his cult have to involve him?” I asked, a bit blunt but surely curious. The women leading the way laughed again.

“They- well… when you’re around him all the time you get used to, y’know, talking about him all the time.” Query explained, opening the door.

“It’s his favorite subject.” Echo added.

“But, we can talk about anything. We just…”

“Tend to revolve yourself around him? Because he pays all your bills and treats you so well?” I offered.

“No. I mean- yes. But in a serious way.” Query said, uncomfortably. Echo subtly pointed out a camera on the wall.

“Surely he wouldn’t hurt you two?”

“Worse.” Echo said, but did not elaborate.

“Worse?” I asked, hoping Query would fill me in.

“He’d come crying asking us if we still like him.” Query said, with all the graveness of informing me that he shot whoever badmouthed him no matter who they were. Echo shuddered at the thought.

“Let’s… talk about something else then.” I said, coming to terms with the thought that someone like the Riddler would do something so… lame? Human? I’ll settle on unexpected.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Don’t want to alarm you on your first minute here, but you’re in real trouble with the big man’s lapdog.” Echo explained as we weaved through hallways, this definitely wasn’t the way I took to his lab last time.

“Don’t worry, Bookworm’s nothing more than a snot nosed little brat. But Cat, she’s…” Query elaborated, but trailed off.

“Scary.” Echo finished.

That much was true. Of the three, I was only sure I would lose in a fight 100% of the time to Catwoman. She was the only one who fought on a regular basis out of all of us, present company excluded.

“I bet he’ll go on a big, long rant. And then he’ll forget where he was and get quiet, but because he’s a big fat baby he’ll still be mad. Then, he’ll sic the Cat on you. Whether or not she attacks depends entirely on how much groveling you do to Bookworm. You gotta pretend to be reeeal sorry to him, or else you’re toast.” Echo explained, unlocking doors I had never seen before.

“$20 says he goes on for 30 minutes or more before losing his place.” Query held out $20.

“$30.” Echo countered, not looking at her colleague as she got through elaborate security measures.

“$25, and loser buys lunch.”

“$25, and loser has to teach Scarecrow all the passwords.”

“That’s a shit deal.”

“You scared, blondie?”

“I’d do it for higher… monetary stakes. $50.”

“Deal.” Echo held her hand out behind her and Query slapped it, before looking back at me.

“Sorry, it’s just… there’s a different password for everything every day and you don’t get reminders or anything. But we have them written down, which is super against the rules, so you couldn’t like keep the paper or anything and it would just be- well it’s a pain in the ass for everyone and-”

“It’s fine.” I cut her off.

“Ok, everyone place bets now, how long is he gonna go on?” Echo must have unlocked well over a hundred locks at this point.

“35 minutes.” Query pulled out $60, cash.

“40.” Echo waved Query away when she held out her hand to take Echo’s bet, Query scoffed but looked at me.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, a large metal door identical to the one I had seen in my hallway revealed itself and the last few measures of security. But Echo did not open this door, both she and Query just sat down at either side of it.

“Oh, right. We can’t open the main door, have to wait for the boss. So you’ve got a good long while before your conference with the-” The door screeched open. “Always forget she can do that, damn.”

Catwoman stood with one hand on her hip, the other had the driver in between her two sharp false nails. She looked up at me with a deep scowl, but stepped aside to let us all in.

“You didn’t tell us you pissed her off too!” Echo whispered to me. Both her and Query stood at attention on either sides of the inside door.

Catwoman licked her teeth and began, “I’m not giving you the pleasure of talking to my boy. You gonna talk to me, got it?” I nodded.

“Got. It?” She asked again, Echo and Query snickered behind me.

“Yeah, got it.” I told her.

“I don’t know why he went and hired you, spooky, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna like it. My poor baby almost went and scratched his throat out from your dumbass fear toxin. You two better quit laughing back there!” Catwoman spoke with an accent, somewhere southern but still a big city, if I had to guess maybe New Orleans? She pointed threateningly at Echo and Query behind me and they quickly stopped laughing.

“Sometimes he makes stupid decisions, but once he’s done with whatever he’s using you for I’m gonna kill you.” Catwoman took her sharp, metal false nail and pressed it as close to my eye as she could get before puncturing it through my mask.

“You’re such a respectable woman, you command fear everywhere you go. Why do you work for him?” I asked, attempting to turn this somehow in my favor by appealing to her ego. I should’ve seen that from her rant that she was far too protective of Bookworm to let this convince her, but the statement had already left my mouth when I made that realization.

“I’m very glad to know someone like you respects me, ‘cause poisoning an 18 year old kid is the kinda action that really makes a respectable woman like me cave. Did it make you feel strong, huh? When you stuck your needle into a little boy?”

“He’s a legal adult.”

“He graduated high school last month .” She hissed. “As far as I’m concerned, that means he’s still a little boy. But what do I know, huh?” It seemed there was no turning for me right now. I let her continue uninterrupted so as to not make a fool of myself.

“I had to stick him with the antitoxin, which by the way we had no idea if it would work! ‘Cause he was foaming at the mouth, and looked like he was having a seizure or something. He sits at a computer desk all day, he don’t have the kinda system that can wipe out your toxin! And he was screaming and kicking and scratching at his neck like he had something in it, kept screaming ‘Get it out! Get it out of me!’” She screamed his dialogue in much the way he would have to get her point across.

“You went and poisoned a little boy just ‘cause he got in your way. And you almost blinded him! And of course, you ain’t sorry. You got a great deal outta this, new job, best damn job you could find in this organization, and you ain’t sick at all! Not like he’s sick. You, you’re just sick in the head. You’d go and poison him again right now if you thought it would get you what you wanted. Fuck you.” She ranted, raved and spat. The door behind us opened again.

“Hey gang!” Riddler chirped, walking past Catwoman.

“Not now, damnit!” Riddler turned with an uncomfortable expression and went to another room.

“What where you even tryna accomplish, huh? Just out to get Riddler’s attention? You knew that damn thing was valuable without knowing what it did, there was no reason for you to go and do something as cruel as that!” Catwoman continued.

“Sel, sorry I know you love your angry rants and you love the boy and you’re super super mad, but this is important.” Riddler came back out of the room and approached Catwoman slowly.

“Don’t you go nowhere, ‘cause I ain’t done.” She said in a low voice, pointing her claws at her eyes then at me. She followed Riddler into the other room.

I turned to face Echo and Query, trying to figure out what kind of trouble I was in, only for them to look quite upset at me too.

“You poisoned him?” Query asked.

“I thought you just scared him.” Echo shook her head.

“You guys have got some hard limits for a criminal organization. If he’s old enough to join, I think he’s old enough to handle a little poison. He lived, didn’t he?” Echo and Query both lowered their eyebrows and shook their heads disappointedly.

Apparently the only person I hadn’t ticked off with my process was the only one I had set out to bother. Or maybe he just wanted to give his women easier access to rip out my throat.

Either way, Catwoman, Riddler and Bookworm all came out of the other room.

“Just swell, now the whole family and the creepy third cousin eight times removed are all together. Meeting room, please! Oh, sorry, not you. I need to talk to you.” Riddler pointed at me with the tip of his cane while the rest of the crew filed into another, another room.
His lab was quite big, and very cold in the way every wall was covered in metal and electronic panels. Temperature wise, it was actually quite warm.

“Is this about Bookworm too, listen I didn’t know everyone was dead set on protecting him. You should give him a security detail or something.”

“I don’t care about Bookworm. Ok, well, don’t tell him I said that, but no that’s not what this is about. Sort of.” He sauntered toward me, cane slung over one shoulder and a big smile on his face. I think the only thing about him that wasn’t artificial were his good looks. It’s noticeable in his one crooked tooth and the front teeth that are just a bit too big, it’s noticeable in the crooked way he smiles and the one dimple he had on the side. The way his body was built, but in the way that any man you would find as an extra in a movie scene set in a bar was. Except his obnoxiously red hair, everything about his looks were natural. He must be very proud of the fact that he’s attractive enough without having to get anything fixed, his pride was incredibly obvious in the way he carried himself.

“No, I need to talk to you about your place here. I know, first day and I’m already demoting you? Well… no. I just lied a little bit about high ranking you would be in my little crew. Of course, you’d still be doing the things I said you would, but you’re not really going to be involved in anything else. Like the get together we’re having now. Since I don’t want you wandering around my lab though, and because I didn’t really make it clear you weren’t exactly one of us, I can give you the option to sit in on this one because it isn’t about anything very important. Or, I could totally just let you out into the hallway but it might be a while until anyone’s free to take you all the way back out. Whatever you want.”

“Why bother asking? Who would want to sit in that hallway for who knows how long?”

“I bothered asking ‘cause I’m a real great guy. C’mon.” It was much more subtle, almost not there, but Riddler had a similar accent to Catwoman’s.

I followed him into the meeting room and stood by the door while he took a seat because there was no room for me. Catwoman stared at me and licked her teeth again before turning her attention to Riddler at the head of the table, she grabbed and squeezed Bookworm’s hand.

“You’ve all met the new guy, so no need to talk about that. We got the chip back, I think, and the new one’s in the computer,” Catwoman held up the original eighteenth wheel and crushed it between her claws, letting the debris scatter on the table. “Great. Also, Sel, that was incredibly badass, so- Cool! Alright, what’s going on with you guys?”

Echo raised her hand. Riddler pressed his lips together but pointed at her.

“Me and Query made a bet, but turns out both of us lost so can you tell us who wins?”

“Absolutely.” He covered his eyes and pointed at Bookworm.

“Looks like the boy won, give him the money.” Echo and Query scoffed, but they handed him the $100 they had pooled together. Bookworm slyly smiled and pocketed the cash.

“And don’t worry about the other half because he isn’t supposed to know the passwords.”

His henchwomen looked at each other, shocked, but looked back at him because he didn’t seem mad… or something. This was a very strange meeting, and I wondered if they were always so frivolous.

Catwoman raised her hand next. Riddler shook his head confusedly, but pointed at her too.

“We’re really gonna let him sit in the corner and creep on the meeting?”

“I think creeping is his natural state of being, but yes. I didn’t feel like going through the hallway of Hell just to get him out.” Catwoman opened her mouth to speak, but Riddler cut her off. “And I didn’t feel like waiting for one of you guys to do it either.”

She shook her head, but didn’t say anything else. Bookworm raised his hand.

“Why are you all suddenly raising hands? We’ve got a guest so everyone is on their best behavior?”

“I was just doing what everyone else was.” The kid sounded absolutely horrible, must have been from all the screaming he was doing earlier. Or maybe the deep scratches at his throat that a bloody bandage only sort of covered.

“You get a pass because you’ve had a rough day, but I want the rest of you to interrupt each other like normal. There’s no reason we can’t be rude to each other just because there’s a man in our meeting room. Anyway, what’s your question, you want a text to speech thing?”

“No, I wanted to borrow Reggie. And I…” He stopped, but got up and whispered something in Riddler’s ear.

“You most certainly can, and try not to get killed.” Bookworm looked at me and then took his seat again.

“Ok, now you can all yell over each other.” No one spoke. Query slowly and very politely raised her hand. Riddler groaned but pointed at her.

“This isn’t a real strategy meeting, right? So can I leave?”

“Where do you have to be?” Echo asked.

“Fake plants to water, fish to walk, I’m a very busy woman.” Query answered.

“This is a real strategy meeting, it’s just that no one’s brought up any problems.”

“Well we only had one problem.” Query pointed out. Everyone turned to look at me, then back at each other.

“I’m sure we have other problems.”

“Not that I know of.” Catwoman chimed in.

“Well then we can cause some, alright? Would that satisfy you enough to keep you from… walking your fish, Query?”

“Sure would, boss.” Query gave a thumbs up.

“Well Izzy just got revenge permission, so… why don’t we all do that. Echo and Query go ahead and fuck up Dove and Eagle-eye. Catwoman, make sure your boyfriend doesn’t get involved.”

“Ex- boyfriend.” Catwoman clarified.

“How am I supposed to keep track of that?”

“I told you like a week ago.”

“What, so I was supposed to write it down?”

“You want me to help your girls or not?”

“Sorry.” Catwoman nodded.

“What’re you gonna do?” Bookworm asked.

“Ah… revenge stuff. Who else is there to revenge?” Riddler tapped his chin thoughtfully.

“I think that’s everyone.”

“Oh good, I’m just going to get the wheel set up then. And no deaths besides the henchmen, got it?”

The group all agreed to not kill anyone, besides Echo and Query who pulled out their themed guns and set them on the table.

“Actually,” The screen behind Riddler lit up and he checked a message on it. “Someone wants to see me. Iz, you’re being POSTPONED!! Get my computer working so I can go and check on you all know who, well you don’t, but the rest of you know and I don’t want you to know.”

Bookworm sighed, even so he didn’t make an argument.

“Break!” Riddler shouted and everyone funneled out of the meeting room with great efficiency, leaving only me and Riddler behind.

“I’ve got a friend to visit, so I’ll let you out. Let’s go, onward!” He let me out of the meeting room and I took one last look around the lab. Catwoman, Echo and Query were all preparing their weapons, Bookworm was wherever Riddler’s computer was, and various things were beeping and dinging. Despite the cold metal exterior, the entire lab was definitely full of life. And, much bigger than any room I had ever been allowed into in the headquarters.

We hurried out the front door and Riddler pressed his neon purple glove into the fingerprint scanner. Strangely, all of the doors ahead of us opened despite there being no fingerprint for the scanner to read.

“Neat party trick, huh?”

“Catwoman asked me what my aim was with poisoning Bookworm. I didn’t tell her, but I want to be a part of this. All of it, officially. Even if I have to apologize to Bookworm, even if I have to prove myself, I want to join you.” I paused by the first door and explained, as sincerely as I could make it sound.

Riddler laughed. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It’s true. I knew you’d see everything I did every step of the way, and I hoped it would mean I wouldn’t have to apply and climb up the ranks that way. I guess it did, in a way.”

“You almost got yourself killed because you wanted to join us? You manipulated Penguin, with his heavily armed bodyguards, because you wanted to join us? You didn’t know anything about us until like a minute ago, get real.”

“I didn’t want to join us. I wanted to join you. You’re right, I didn’t know you were that close with your team, but I wanted to join you.” I said, incredibly earnestly. All the doors that had opened closed, leaving us by the entrance.

“Don’t suck up to me, pumpkin. It doesn’t work.” Riddler pursed his lips.

“I’m not going to give up, you know. Even if it means I have to figure out some way to prove myself alone. I want to know how you operate.” I said, getting dangerously close to the truth of the matter.

“You think wasting my time and energy will impress me?” He crossed his arms.

“Yeah, I do. Because if it didn’t you wouldn’t listen to me. You want to know what I think? I think I already impressed you, I think no one else that you haven’t known for years or personally hand picked has gotten this far. And I think you’re trying to make me think I’m not good enough for your team, because you don’t want to admit any of that.”

Riddler stuck his tongue to the inside of his cheek, then let it swipe across a few of his teeth, after that he bit down softly and turned away. He chuckled and turned back.

“You have got an incredible amount of nerve, audacity and I might even say gall. I can’t just let you on my team.”

“Why not?”

“I- what do you want me to say, man? It’s a team, you know, no ‘I’? And none of them want you in.”

“Why do they get a say in the decision? There would be no team without you, without your resources.”

“You’re a relentless manipulator, and that’s the most impressive thing that you’ve shown me. You’d be,” He sighed. “A valuable addition. As well as a horrible, horrible risk.”

“Are you afraid of taking risks?”

“Fuck you.” He finally stopped smiling.

“And…?” I prompted.

“And welcome to the team, you bitch.”

I smiled beneath the mask. His charmingly crooked smile returning to his own face.

“But you’re going to have to really suck up to Catwoman and Bookworm. And you don’t get the passwords until I’m sure I can trust you, so you have to stick with someone if you want to get in. And also, you don’t get to touch anything in the lab that isn’t yours. Oh, and, no chemicals or actually any liquids at all in my lab. You keep that shit in your place.”

“Take the camera out of my lab.”

“What, you think this is a negotiation?”

“You can put it right outside, but I don’t want it in my room. That’s all I’m asking for.”

Riddler groaned and pinched where the skin between his eyebrows would be if he didn’t have a mask on.

“Fine! Fine, alright. Give and take, whatever. Now I- shit! I forgot about Tetch!” He hurriedly pressed his glove back into the scanner and sprinted down the hallway, I struggled to keep up and attempted to speak to him again.

Chapter Text

“You know Jervis Tetch?”

“Yeah he’s my bestest friend in the whole wide world, now stop talking to me because I have to go and see him.”

I stopped bothering to follow him. Far too much effort to be expended on my first hour on the job, I had to pace myself to make my caring as believable as possible. At this point, wandering and wandering through identical hallways the likes of which I had never bothered to discover before, I didn’t even want to put out the effort of following my subject anywhere. I suppose that my job thus far in the United Underworld had kept me quite stagnant in terms of the exploring I did around the headquarters. From the minute I started to just a minute ago, I had stayed relatively contained in and around the area where I worked.

While I meandered through meaningless sterile hallways that got less exciting the more of them I had discovered, I let myself process what exactly I had done. A lot of it was improvised, unfortunately, so I didn’t have the time to think about it until now. The first thing I thought about, definitely qualifying me as a groupie, was Riddler’s lab and all its strange technological features.
The moving parts, the flashing screens, the buzzing and whirring and beeping and all of the other strange noises which I couldn’t quite put an onomatopoeia to. I had no idea what any of them did, and I was sure that unless whatever he wanted me to do involved me having to use one of the machines I would never find out. Some of them must control his ridiculous amount of security, however I was only interested in where he kept the cameras. Suddenly, for some reason, I wanted to know what all he knew. All the information he gathered with his odd machinery and abundant cameras.

The second thing that had me captivated was the seemingly frivolous strategy meeting, the way they spoke to each other in such a relaxed manner despite having a known intruder in the room was astonishing. It made me realize it wasn’t only their leader who thought himself so important, but the whole crew. They were certain that if I had even so much as thought about making a move that they would be able to stop me. Tight knit, it seemed, because they had the energy of being able to band together in an instant. One doesn’t get that bond if they weren’t tight knit.
Which brings me around to the third thing, the odd man out, the Bookworm. The fresh high school graduate and even fresher recruit, how could he possibly be trusted enough to be a part of their group? Was he really that much of an asset if he was left completely vulnerable to attack when he wasn’t on duty? Were they that confident they could save him the second that he had been taken? Was that a testament to what their actual skill level was? I couldn’t understand at all. Nevertheless, I had reached a part of the headquarters that I was familiar with and as a result my processing was cut short by my mind replacing all the thoughts I had had of the strange group with the directions back to my own lab. What can I say, I really don’t enjoy back to back puzzles.

Thinking about every aspect of the team was useless to me, there was only one target that I should be paying any mind to. Riddler was the only one I should be trying to figure out, give or take the team which I have forced my way into. Funnily, it didn’t take much in the way of force to get in. The worst of it came from forcing myself to think of something more immediately useful to me because his mere existence begged attention, and my interest only made that beckoning presence all the more attention grabbing. His personality, his looks, his techniques, but still he wasn’t the only thing I had had on my agenda. Like every other character one might find in the United Underworld, I did my part to unite against our shared enemy. I procured toxins and poisons and whatever other name one would want to give such things, and the people bought. Of course, my own personal formula was under lock and key. Ah. I suppose that wouldn’t be the case for long considering the parameters of my hiring for Riddler’s specialized squad. Here I am again, and though it makes me think of him more I can’t help but wonder why everyone around him can’t seem to get him off of their minds. Some sort of spell, perhaps. Or maybe I was the only one who thought about him this much, and therefore others spoke of him to me under the presumption I would be interested. Unfortunately, I was. Learning the most trivial parts of him was interesting to me, and the confusing parts which I longed to solve interested me even more, I had enjoyed speaking to him. As much as one could enjoy an experience like that. It helped to pretend that one was observing wildlife, only I had to speak to mine in order to study it.
Whenever I lied it seemed he clocked me instantly, he knew what I was thinking, who I was. It was his job to know, he made it his job to know, and he liked to brag about his job very much it seemed. To tell me my own name and forget the one I had chosen for this criminal life, to call it a party trick. He must have done it often. It must have shocked and amused.

Apparently though I couldn’t do it, I was only able to sit in a thoughtful science at my cluttered desk in my lab. Trying to figure out what I could with what I knew. It was all dead ends. At some point, it must have at least been an hour later, when I had completely given up on him for the day he showed up and came in completely unannounced, as if my door hadn’t even been locked. To him, it probably wasn’t. He had a toolbag, and completely ignored me as he dug out a flathead screwdriver and a… small portable screen thing with an antenna. Not a phone, but something similar it seemed. He pointed the thing around the the room, before catching sight of me and gasping.

“Oh, I thought you weren’t in.” Riddler said, sighing and putting on his big wonky smile. His device beeped and he ran to some random brick in the wall and stabbed his screwdriver into it.

“Takes care of that.” He muttered, throwing his thing and his screwdriver back in his bag with no regard for where it might land. I suppose it was the camera I had asked him to remove, or he was completely fucking with me.

“How was your visit?” I asked, hoping to keep him around long enough to answer some real questions. He looked at me with the same large, toothy grin that he gave just about everything I had seen him look at and stared for a second.

“How do you know Tetch?” Riddler asked me. He knocked glassware out of his view of me with a similar disregard as he had given his tools, and sat next to me at my desk. If they had had anything in them I probably would’ve leaped across the table in an attempt to strangle him, but luckily they did not.

“You don’t know?” I smiled. He took a second, then stood up and walked a bit past my side. He stopped directly behind me and put his hand on my shoulder, he leaned down to whisper in my ear.

“If you keep trying to make me dislike you, eventually I’m just gonna say fuck it and give you what you want.” He wiped the tip of his nose on the side of my mask in some strange nuzzling gesture before ripping the thing off my head. He sat back down next to me, examining the bag that he had taken from my face with a much lighter expression than he had had while he was whispering to me. I decided it wouldn’t be worth it to try and challenge him physically. If I gave in to emotion I would lose, I had to make him do it first.

“Answer my question.” I told him, giving no mind to his actions in my speech or expression.

“You were his doctor at Arkham a couple visits ago. You two bonded, because he knew you weren’t normal. Now, you’re the March Hare.” He said, still not looking at me.

“Why did you ask if you already knew the answer?”

“Why does anyone do anything? I don’t like making sense, Crane, it makes me predictable.”

“You’re already predictable.” I informed him. “You always take the hard way.”

“Is that so?” He put my mask down on the clear part he had made on my desk. I nodded.

“Tell me something.” He said, pulling my mask closer to him, dragging it across the desk. “Do you want to kill me?”

“Who wouldn’t?” I very honestly asked. He laughed and shook his head. My eyes met the big blank reflectors on his mask, and he tilted his head, always smiling.

“That’s never going to happen.”

“I know.”

“So stop wanting it, want something else instead. And now I’ve made myself predictable to you. It’s not about the hard way, not at all. It’s: what can I do? What do I have? What steps do I need to take to get back to my original desire? It only seems that way to you because I have everything. I can do anything. You think that way too, only you don’t know it. Because you don’t have as much as I do, you have so much to want.” He sighed wistfully before finishing with a quiet “It takes a while for me to find something new to want.”

“Maybe I could help you with that.” It was possible I wasn’t supposed to hear his near silent musing, but I answered anyway.

“You already have.” He threw my mask at me and stood up. He walked to the door but turned to look at me over his shoulder and for a second he only had a blank, analyzing expression from what I could see of the bottom half of his face. Then he smiled and left.

I pulled my mask back over my head, and was quite satisfied with the new information he had given me. If I could trust his word, I knew how he thought. It was self proclaimed, he thought like me. It was also self proclaimed that he told me I limit myself, but that he has no limits. Now, I have to go through the steps. Answer my own questions, then get back to my original desire.
What did his machinery do? Whatever he wanted, whatever he needed. He has them so he won’t want them anymore. Why was his strategy meeting so oddly casual? Because his henchwomen were. Both Echo and Query proved to be incredibly lax in all of their actions, bordering on somewhat stupid as they openly explained every action of their fellow goon to me knowing that I had harmed him in the very recent past. Having a similar approach to a meeting would ensure that they don’t get bored by being too serious, thus keeping them with him. And finally, why do they all treat Bookworm so highly despite him having been there for no longer than a few months? Because Riddler wants someone who won’t betray him to check his cameras for him. Teenagers like Bookworm only want to fit in, Riddler gave him a place to fit into, somewhere he could feel safe. It all made sense. He did what he did because it’s what he wanted. Above all else, he wanted what I had known he had wanted from the very first time I had seen him, everything to go his way. It’s why he made it easy for me to get in, because he wanted me to get in. Have I explained enough? Must I go on? It all makes sense. One thing that was so simple that I had overlooked it. It wasn’t a need to be so confusing and contradictory that no one could make sense of him enough, it was wanting. It was always wanting. That was the first step.

Now, I have to go to the second step, I have to plan. I know what I want, my original desire, and I know what I need to want in order to fulfill that. I need to make him want me. That was step two, that was the plan, that was my new order. I needed to make him want me, more than he already did, beyond the usefulness he found in me. That was only my foot in the door. Once he truly needed me, I would be able to return my original desire. My step three. Crush him. Take every little thing I had learned about him, take all the want and need that he had and use it against him. Topple his oh, so impressive, empire and take all his friends down with him. Stand victorious over his grave. As far as the present goes, he was correct. I wouldn’t be able to kill him. So now I want something else as was his suggestion, something more achievable, before I can go back to my original desire. Play his game on his terms, do what he does, and win. We both know that the other isn’t sincere in friendliness, the play now is to see who falls for the facade first, who gets too caught up and forgets it isn’t real? It won’t be me, and for a long time it won’t be him either. But eventually it will be. I know that because he has run out of things to want, his last ditch effort at adventure was me. His final bow would be at my feet.

With that realization came another, it was late and I had work in the morning. Real civilian work. I had to get to home base in order to have a decent enough commute to my job, with or without the sleep. I left the headquarters without interruption and navigated the concrete tunnels with ease and familiarity, no exploring for me this late. I arrived in the parking garage where unmarked black vehicles as well as themed ones were kept until they needed to be used, I kept my real car hidden within all the sameness as it too was black. My car’s only defining trait being its age, I had an easy enough time hiding it amongst other vehicles. I didn’t want to bother having to trade cars halfway through my drive home just to keep the double life thing up. I really didn’t mind people knowing my identity in the above world, though my civilian work provided me with much that I needed, it would never be as fulfilling as the criminal career I had in the Underworld. I changed out of costume in the car as I do every night and stored the mess of fabrics in the back seat and drove to my home in the luscious blacks of the night. The dark sky, as most things were in this city, was cut through by neon lights advertising anything you could think of. If I enjoyed city life, I might think this a good thing to know where I might find any of my deepest mortal desires. As it stands, I think it just ruins the view of the night sky. Three billboards in a row brightly advertised different brands of eye drops in colors so straining I considered buying the one from the sign which hurt my eyes least.

I arrived home in about forty five minutes, good time considering the ever present traffic in Gotham usually costing me at least an hour and several detours, and found absolutely nothing of interest as I unlocked and opened the door. Not that I was expecting anything, but I suppose something indicating to me that the day I had had in the Underworld meant something in all of its insanity and turns. The house said nothing, though, and I said nothing either. Very silently I worked through the night in my basement on whatever I could find, eager I suppose, to keep the edge I had formed from the day previous. At around 6 AM, I decided I should at least have an hour of rest before I had to go into work. I was meeting with a high profile patient, one I had seen a few times before and he liked me to be as present as possible. Well, if I wasn’t he’d go on and on and on about something I didn’t care about.

At 7:30, I arrived into work to find him already sitting in the waiting room. He leaned on the palm of his hand and stared into the distance. I looked at him for a second, then walked into my office to prepare. I sighed as I got his paperwork together, then picked up the phone and told the secretary to let him in. I stood and waited for him to get in.

“Mr. Nygma.” I acknowledged him, we sat down simultaneously.

“Doctor.” He acknowledged me. He had brown eyes, but his irises looked too big. In the few months we’ve seen each other, I still had not been able to get him to admit that he wore contact lenses. He’d always smile and ask why he would wear contacts and glasses. I could answer that, but I never did because we both knew why; he liked looking plain. Edward Nygma was the only rich man in Gotham to go out of his way to look less attractive, I was sure. But it didn’t really work.

“How have you been?” I asked him. He never met my eyes when he saw me until I said something that interested him. That part usually came near the end.

“I just hired someone new to my PR team, and it’s the funniest thing you know… he,” Nygma paused to laugh. “He looks just like you. Do you have any siblings, doctor?”

“No.” I answered him.

He looked me in my eyes, analyzing me, and said very simply “Huh.” Then he looked back down and began to pull at the skin on his fingers.

I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn’t think of anything to say. His smile seems familiar. Not familiar in the way that I had seen it before here, because surely I had, but familiar in the way that I had certainly seen a smile like that somewhere else. It was lopsided, tilted to the left, and he had a dimple on that side.

“What?” He asked.

“Do you have any siblings?”

“A half sister. We work together, but it isn’t… or I suppose it is nepotism. But I didn’t hire her because she’s my sister, I hired her because her father… my father… is a powerful man.”

“Hm. Just one sister?”

“Well I have a few other half siblings, I think. But they don’t live in the city, so I’ve never met them.” He stopped smiling and stared at the palms of his hands thoughtfully.

“Who’s your father?”

“Oh, it doesn’t matter. I mean, if I said who you’d probably think he helped me.” He looked at me very seriously. “But he didn’t. He left me and my mother behind. Everything I’ve done I’ve had to do for myself.”

“Yes. Yes, I’m sure.” I took some notes.

“You said he left you and your mother? When was this?”

“Ah.” He closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose, a sign he had said more than he meant to. “When she got pregnant. He found out, and figured it would be bad for business so he… y’know. And the best part is, she was 16.”

“How old was he?”

“Why does that matter? So what, he was the same age and that makes it better? She was sick, doctor. She was sick and he didn’t even have the decency to stay.” He was getting more and more angry as he went on.

“Your mother was sick?” I kept pushing.

“Yeah she was! I don’t know what it was, but- it…” He took a deep breath. Unfortunately calming himself down. “She was sick. And so he left her.”

It might have been about his public image, or perhaps he truly did not want to hear what he has, but Edward Nygma would never tell me enough to give him an actual diagnosis. He and I both played a game when he came to me, I had to piece together all the things he was telling me into something that could give me an actual sign as to his mental state, and he had to tell me as little as he possibly could. Whatever his mother had, he had too, and he didn’t want to describe it so I wouldn’t figure them both out. I tried to upset him in any way I could so that he would accidentally tell me more, but he was woefully adept at controlling his emotions and as a result what I knew about him.

I changed the subject, “I’m sorry to hear that. In other news, how’s the new launch going?”

He nodded his head slightly and smiled. No teeth, hard to compare like I wanted when he wouldn’t show teeth. Also, he looked away. Apparently no longer interested in the conversation. Neither was I, really.

“Ah. Yeah, that. Well we just went public with the announcement. But it’s not going to sell well.”

“Why do you say that?”

“It’s not supposed to. It’s overpriced and really only meant for our share holders to buy.” He buried his face in his shoulder to chuckle for a second before continuing. “I mean, I’m sure some fanboys are going to buy them, but it’s $800 for what’s essentially a phone assistant on wheels.”

“Don’t you have one?”

He shook his head. “Not a consumer quality one, Reggie’s more like… a sci-fi robot everyone’s afraid is going to revolt. He’s probably smarter than half of my coders.”

I smiled curtly. “You don’t want them all to be like that?”

“Are you kidding? Of course not. Do you know how much mass producing those things would cost? Christ, and no one else would be able to appreciate Reggie’s features. Not like I do. Because he was made for me, not for consumers. And before you ask, no, there would be no possible way to customize them for everyone who wanted one. Not without a significant price markup.” He ranted, waving his hands. He took another deep breath.

“I see.”

“Don’t think me selfish, doctor. I’m only a good businessman.” He said, as if there were a difference. Or that one couldn’t be both.

“No, I don’t.” I affirmed him. “Why don’t you tell me about this new hire for your PR team?”

“I’ve said all I had to say about him, he isn’t that interesting.”

“No?”

“No. He thinks he is, though.” Nygma paused for a second, looked me up and down and then continued. “I think I’m going to give him a very difficult job. He wants to prove himself, I want to prove he’ll drown.”

I raised my eyebrow and nodded.

“You know, the strange thing is that you two even have the same scars. I’ve never seen anyone else with scars like yours. Except him. All over both of your faces and your arms. I’m sure they’re in places I can’t see too. He sounds like a smoker, and I know you’re a smoker. I think you may have a doppelganger. A clone, or something.” He laughed, and stood.

“That’s our time, it was nice to see you doctor.” Nygma shook my hand and left the room. He was correct about the time, but not my having a clone. Not that one who may be reading this would know, but he had given himself away. Of course, it wasn’t by accident, because he wanted me to know that he knew. I had never told him that I smoked, though I did and frequently I never told him nor did I show him as much, but he picked it up on his security cameras. Because of course he did, because he was the CEO, founder, operator and lead coder of a security tech company, because he was filthy rich so he could spy on whoever he wanted and because he knew that I was a criminal. Technically, he was too, but legally he had done nothing wrong. He had told me that much. It’s all in the terms and service of Nygmatech products, in the name of safety his products record video and audio 24/7, they go through his company and anything illegal goes to the police. Of course, since I have yet to be arrested, I believe he wants something from me. That’s why he let me know that he knew. Maybe I shouldn’t have let him leave, but then again maybe I could convince him that he didn’t see what he thought he had. That would have to wait until next week, though. Unless he called.

As long as I was in the office, no such call came. When I left there was no such call. On my way to the headquarters there was nothing. As I parked much of the same. I didn’t know what Edward Nygma could possibly want from me, which made it all the more concerning. But I pushed that aside as I walked in through the tunnels.

Chapter Text

I unlocked the main door to find the lobby crowd emptying out into their labs, I thought I had gotten here earlier. I stood in front of the door and looked around, trying to find a clear path out of all the moving people. Eventually, only two people from the crowd were left. Echo and Query. Query looked at me and tilted her head almost down to her shoulder as though she were trying to see me from behind something. She tapped Echo on the side and pointed at me. They whispered to each other and then walked to me.

“Hey doc, why didn’t you go the back way? Trying to stay humble?” Echo asked me.

“What back way?” I asked her.

The cutout holes from her mask showed her eyes as they opened wide with surprise, her and Query looked at each other and then back at me before laughing.

“Even we use the back way! You don’t use- why would you come here on a weekday if you weren’t doing something for him? He wouldn’t let you come in the front way, so why did you do it? What’s your deal? Huh?! What’s wrong with you?!” Query screamed at me, Echo held her back by the shoulder. Query looked back at Echo who shook her head.

“Sorry.” Query mumbled.

“We’re kidding with you, doc.” Echo pulled Query back a little more.

“Where is everyone?” I asked, about the rest of their little crew.

“In the labs, probably. It’s like 8.” She answered confusedly about the entire organization.

“I meant…” I tried to walk past them, but they blocked me by linking hands and landing in my chest. I blinked rapidly and stepped back.

“Boss has a job for you, and also a communicator. Hopefully.” Query let go of Echo who used her newly freed hand to wave me to follow them. I sighed as quietly as I could and followed them back through the long hallway.

“We should ask him for a raise.” Echo said, Query unlocked all the locks this time as they spoke.

“We can’t keep asking him for raises just because he forgets we asked for the last one.”

“Why not? He’s like a trillionaire.”

“I still think it’s mean to take advantage of him.” Query shook her head at the lock, entering a wrong password and then the correct one. She seems to be trying to memorize the password, while when Echo did it she just used her paper with the answers written down.

“I repeat: He’s like a gazillionaire, he’s not going to notice if we get six raises.”

“What do we even need the money for?”

“Money purposes. Feeding the homeless or something.”

Query laughed. “What if he writes it down this time?”

“You say that every time, and every time he does not write it down.”

Query didn’t answer as she stood in front of the next lock with her hand on her chin.

“What’s the Monday password for door nineteen?” She turned and asked Echo.

“Uhhh…” Echo stuck her tongue out. “Did you get the hint yet?” Query shook her head.

“Try Jaundice. Capital J.” Query typed it into the keypad then looked back and shook her head again.

“Hint: Which of the following words don't belong in the group? Corset, coster, sector, escort, courts.” Query read off the screen.

“Oh right, it’s quarter.”

“What? That’s not even one of the answers.”

“Duh, the answer to the riddle is courts. Courts, lawyers, ex lawyers, Two-Face, quarter. Get it?”

Query typed the answer and the door opened.

“Sometimes I wish he stopped at two doors.”

“I think we all do.” Echo said, and we all walked into the holding room for the lab. Query knocked on the door and it opened.

The Riddler and looked up at us as we walked in. Echo and Query stood to the sides of the door again.

He waved me over to his workbench, it had a little robotic thing on it that he was screwing something into.

“His name’s Regicide.” Riddler pointed at the little robot. “But, we call him Reggie.”

Reggie? REGGIE?? A little robot named Reggie?

“What’s it do?”

“He is my personal assistant. Like a little portable secretary.”

“So you’re the reason Edward Nygma knows I smoke.” I guessed.

“Actually, Bookworm is the reason Ed Nygma knows you smoke.” Riddler continued to mess with Regicide the robot. I turned to go find Bookworm, Riddler grabbed my arm but let me go when I turned back to face him.

“Ah- hey. He’s going to get revenge on you, weren’t you paying attention in the meeting?”

“Not really.”

“Figures.” He scoffed. “But that’s what I called you in here for. One of three things, actually. One: Bookworm is going to try to hurt you. You can defend yourself, but I want a good clean fight. No murder, got it?”

“Fine.” I said, and sat down across from him at his workbench.

“Second: You’ve got an initiation assignment! Woo!!” He looked at me with an expectant smile.

“Woo.” I flatly cheered.

“I’ve got some hard labor for you to do! After your fight, come back to the lab and give up your secret formula.”

“Fine.” I answered again.

“And number three: you’ve got a communicator! It does all kinds of things, but most importantly it communicates. You can call any of us, track any of us down, record stuff and I don’t know whatever else you figure out it can do.”

“You don’t know?”

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not perfect. I’m just really close. I didn’t write down everything it does and I don’t use every feature, but that’s what makes it fun! Surprises and stuff! Now off with you, shoo! I have a robot to fix.” He slid a strangely shaped walkie-talkie looking machine with a screen on it to me and waved his hand. I stood up but paused at his side.

“I want to make a deal with you.”

“Christ, what more could you possibly want?” He didn’t look at me.

“When I finish your task, and I come back and join your crew, I want to go on a date with you.”

He shook his head a bit, blank reflectors opening wide. “Uhh..” He pushed his face back into his neck.

“You’re, well and I don’t blame you for not knowing this, 30 years older than me.”

“Is that a problem for you?”

He regained his smile, and with a scoff he said “No, actually. It isn’t. I just thought it would be for you.”

“But,” He continued. “After all of this, I doubt you’ll want to go out with me.”

I looked just past him at a screen flashing on the wall. “You’d be surprised at how low my standards are.”

“No I wouldn’t. I know everything about you and your standards.” He laughed.

“Well you have a deal, and you’d better get going because I don’t want the fight to happen in here. Oh, right! Your communicator can unlock doors!” He got closer to Reggie and became utterly engrossed in fixing the robot, ignoring anything and everything around him. I couldn’t ask him how the thing opened doors, so I settled for seeing if either Echo or Query could help me.

“Do you-” I started with Query, Echo cut me off.

“We don’t know how to work anything of his that we don’t got, so just point it at the door or whatever until it works.” They stood back at attention and did not look at me. I sighed, defeated and just tried pointing it at the door. At whatever panel I could find, and then I pressed the antenna against the door but that didn’t work either. Once I had thoroughly exhausted anything I could try, I heard giggling from behind me. I turned, it was Bookworm.

“It’s a button, idiot.” He walked up to me and pushed a button on the side of the communicator.

“How do you keep track of all these buttons?”

“Memorized them. Just like I did all the passwords. Wait, how did you get an advanced communicator? I didn’t get one until three months after I got in!” He turned to face Riddler who was now sitting up and watching us.

“You’re playing favorites, dickhead!” Bookworm huffed angrily.

“Never said I wasn’t.” Riddler turned back to his project, suppressing a smile.

“Izzy, he’s like a million years older than you. Therefore I didn’t have to worry about him losing it, just breaking it because he can’t figure out how to press a button.”

“Suddenly he’s more responsible than me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You might as well have!” Riddler stood up and walked over to us. He put his hands on Bookworm’s shoulders.

“You are my right hand man, you keep track of all of my things and I never thought for a second you would lose my communicator, I was only joking. I waited so long to give you one because I forgot that you needed it. Ask Query, it took me like a year to get hers and it isn’t even advanced.” Riddler assured the kid, Query nodded then quickly stood back up.

“So let’s not fight, you and me, because you’ll need all your energy to fuck him up, alright?” Riddler and Bookworm nodded at each other, then Riddler looked at me and then back at the kid.

“It’s gonna be like two noodles boiling in a pot if I let you guys fist fight. I should get y’all like… bats or something.” He looked down. “You go wait outside, we’ll all go to the gym and me and Sel will referee. And you’ll both get weapons, so be extra careful not to kill each other.” He pushed us both through the door.

Bookworm did not even so much as look at me as he unlocked the rest of the doors as we came to them. He sighed when we got out of the hallway.

“You don’t even know where the gym is.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You don’t know anything! You’re so not qualified to be here, you’re probably not even qualified to be a full double U member.”

“I’ve… taken over the city multiple times.”

“Oh- Right.” He looked down and mumbled. “But still, you work alone and you haven’t done anything in forever and you’re so… so old.”

“I’m 55!”

“Yeah. Exactly.” He tilted his head at me as he spoke.

“Anything older than 20 probably seems ancient to you.”

“You’re gonna die before I’m even as old as you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“And to top it all of, you just asked someone 30 years your junior to go out with you. You big. Giant. Creep. There isn’t someone your age you could ask? You’re literally going to be 60 when he’s 30, what, is gonna visit you in the nursing home?”

“He said it wasn’t a problem for him.” I couldn’t just explain that it wouldn’t be a serious thing, that would ruin my plan. Bookworm tilted his head all the way down to his shoulder and pushed his face out, scowling, like he had just barked at me without making the sound.

“I’m not going to take back the offer just because you want me to.” Bookworm pouted and turned away.

“Lord, how old are you?”

“37 years younger than you.”

“That would’ve gotten you slapped across the face in my day.”

“They had dinosaurs in your day. I’m inclined not to hold myself to the same standards.” I scoffed, as did he and we turned away from each other.

I didn’t really care about the little teenager. I couldn’t bring myself to get that angry at a kid who only felt threatened by my presence, being around me was enough to tick him off. I had a suspicion that it wasn’t only because I had poisoned him that he had so much hatred for me. And I suppose a 30 year age gap would be concerning to anyone. I don’t want to waste my energy getting worked up about someone who wasn’t even in college.

The door behind us creaked open and out came Riddler and Catwoman. I couldn’t see Echo or Query, but they were probably there too.

Catwoman took two throwing knives from her belt and handed one to each of us.

“They’re dulled.” Riddler said, taking my knife and stabbing himself in the arm. It left a mark, but definitely did not cut.

“I don’t like this.” Catwoman said, sighed, and then looked at Bookworm. “You beat his ass for me, alright?” Bookworm looked at her in a barely disguised horror and nodded wordlessly. He seemed regretful, probably no longer wanting a physical fight.

“I’m sure either of you could find a way to murder each other even with dull knives, so… don’t do that. And no unregulated weapons. Except fists, I guess.” Riddler waved his hand and we all followed him, Catwoman next to Bookworm and I behind the both of them.

We arrived at a room I did not know existed, it was a normal enough looking gym. Not that I’d been in a real gym since PE class, but nothing seemed out of place. I looked at Bookworm, he glared at me.

Riddler opened a glass door to a room with a padded floor, all around were windows and behind the glass were seats. It was some pseudo-arena, I suppose.

“Well… you guys have fun!” Riddler smiled, he and Catwoman walked out the door and a second later appeared behind the glass.

Bookworm was undressing in the corner. He took off his hat, brown leather suit coat, matching leather shoes and his brown tie. I looked away, unsure of whether or not I should do the same. But I was comfortable fighting it what I was wearing, so ultimately I didn’t. I just waited for him to finish and for both of us to brandish our dull knives.

I was taller than him, we must have been around the same weight though he seemed a bit heavier than I, his only advantage was youthful arrogance. And whatever training he might’ve gotten from Mother Goose who was eagerly watching her boy compete with baited breath, assured he’d at least put up a good fight.

He looked scared. Of course, the first time I had defeated him it was out of necessity. We circled each other on the foam floor. But he wanted this. He was confident. He took a step forward, then a step back. And it doesn’t bring me any pleasure to fight someone so frail. Even if he did insult me. I took the first swing with my knife, he stepped back again. He looked like he wanted to ask to stop. I was beyond being angry at him. Sort of at peace with it. If he wanted to fight, I’d give him a fight.

I advanced to his left and swung again, he dodged but did not retaliate. This must have been a very boring fight to our observers. I swung again and hit him as he blocked with his arm, he tried to reach under but couldn’t as I stepped back. He breathed heavily despite not having done much, and when I saw the look on his face I didn’t care about Riddler or Catwoman getting a good show anymore. Catwoman was right, this was just a kid. A scared high schooler trying to prove himself, why bother with someone like that? Someone so weak. I threw my knife to the ground, surrendering. I thought he would come at me, but he just did the same.

He looked at Catwoman, then back at me. “You’re quitting?”

“Yeah. You win. My elderly bones are aching, I think I might die here.” I stated very flatly, but he looked even more concerned.

“Are you serious? I didn’t think you were that old!” I shook my head in disbelief.

“No. I’m not serious.”

“Why’d you quit then?”

“Felt bad. You looked like an abandoned puppy.”

He scoffed, clearly offended. “What, did you think I was seriously going to fight you?” I asked.

“What, are you afraid of losing?”

I didn’t answer. I cracked my knuckles, my elbows and then my neck. I turned to face the wall and slowly, very slowly, bent over backwards until my hands touched the floor. He already looked like he regretted asking, but just for good measure I rushed at him. He jumped back and pushed himself against the wall.

“Selina!” He cried. Catwoman jumped up from her seat and as soon as I had gotten up she was in the room.

“Lord. Why would I ever fight someone like you?” I shook my head at Bookworm and walked past Catwoman back into the main gym.

Riddler came from out of the door which must have led to the viewing room and approached me with a very barely hidden smile.

“That was actually a pretty smart move. I think he probably pissed his pants.”

“Catwoman’s name is Selina?”

His reflectors closed and opened rapidly.

“I’m not going to help you try and figure me out.” He said. “But if that’s what you think you heard, and that that might get you somewhere.” He seemed to have lost his train of thought.

“Believe what you want.” He settled, and went into the room with the foam floor. I left the gym. I’d consider apologizing to Bookworm, but it would have to be later. I sat outside the door and waited for Riddler because I didn’t know how to get back to his lab.

He came out and did not look at me. Then he looked down and noticed me on the floor and gasped.

“Okay, first things first. You need to find a map or something. This place is big, you’re introducing a bunch of new places, you’ve only seen like one the entire time you’ve been here. But it’s built like a horseshoe. Look.” He opened a map on his own communicator and got on the ground next to me.

The building was not, in fact, shaped like a horseshoe. But it was a massive circle. The map was segmented into boxes, he pointed at one of the boxes.

“That’s the entrance.” He said, then pointed to another which was very close to the entrance.

“That’s your lab. And then, aaalll the way over here,” He dragged his finger along the screen and stopped at a box on the opposite side of the entrance. “Is mine.”

“This place is so big, even when you turn a corner it feels like you’re going straight. And then, y’know, all of the branching hallways.”

“Did you… did you design the headquarters?”

“Duh, who else would’ve thought of something like this?”

“Joker, probably.”

“WH- Joker?! That little rat wouldn’t be able to think of something so smart if he…” He trailed off and began to mumble a rant under his breath. He huffed, and took a deep breath.

“Joker would’ve built a giant amusement park and then we wouldn’t be in a secret headquarters we’d be working in a giant amusement park. Penguin was the only other one with a semi good idea, except that he would’ve hid it in plain sight above ground. You don’t need to play in secret if no one can find you in the first place, and now of course I can use all of my own security.”

“What about Catwoman’s idea?”

“Ha! Are you kidding? Catwoman hates architecture. For her plan, she just showed mine again.”
As if I kept up with Catwoman’s interests.

“Right.”

“Here, look.” He grabbed the communicator from my pocket and tapped something on the screen. The map showed up on my screen, then he tapped something else and a red dot showed up.
“That’s how we keep track of each other.” He pressed one of the buttons on the side and the red dot changed to orange, and different colors showed up. Six, one for each of us. A yellow and a light gray dot were behind us, Catwoman and Bookworm though I didn’t know which was which, and down the hall was a purple and a blue one, then next to mine was a green one.

“So just… go to Echo and Query using the map. They’re not usually in the lab. But I am, so you can use mine as a marker for where to go until you get used to it.”

“You’re speaking awfully certainly about my being in your team.”

“Well, it’s what you want, isn’t it? I mean, why ask me out if you yourself weren’t certain you wanted in?”

“For fun.” He exhaled with a smile and shook his head.

“I have to prove myself to you, I have to give you everything. What have you given me that’s tangible? What have you given me that I will never be able to get rid of?”

“I’ve given you plenty. And your initiation hasn’t been even half as intense as the process that the others had to go through. I treat you like one of them, that’s not a kindness that everyone who tries to get to me is afforded.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because…” He hesitated. “Because you work alone. You’re exclusively a loner, and then one day you just decided that I was good enough for you. I don’t know if you… became attracted to me physically or something, or if it was something I did… but you decided that you wouldn’t be a loner anymore and that you would join my team. And that- that means something to me. So I don’t want to lose this chance.”

“Hm.” I looked down at my communicator, Bookworm and Catwoman had gone somewhere else through a different exit. I looked back at him. “Can I ask you one last favor?”

He dryly scoffed with a much smaller smile than normal. “Whatever.”

“When we go out, don’t take me anywhere expensive.” His bright white reflectors met my eyes and he started to laugh. A little at first, and then a lot.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He said, and calmed himself. “Let’s go and finish your initiation then, alright?”

“Thank you.” I said as we both stood. He didn’t answer, only smiled as we walked to his lab.

I had very clearly already won him over, that was all that mattered. He and I were both now in far too deep for either of us to give up. It was almost comical to me, one big joke after another, I had him in such a vulnerable position and he knew it. He gave me much more than he had ever given anyone, and for what? Exclusivity? I had never seen him so desperate, in the few times I’d seen him, few stories I’d heard of him, he was never desperate. Was this how he had gotten all of his connections? Playing around, just trying to see what would trap the next unsuspecting business partner in his expanding web of lies and connections? What for? He could already take over the world with what he had. But he didn’t. He just kept doing what he was doing, and I had a hunch that he wouldn’t stop until everyone liked him. It was the only thing that made him human, the only consistant want of his, he needed to be liked. He needed to be assured that no one around him was mad at him, especially not the important people, especially not the people he wanted around. He was a sarcastic, insincere asshole and he loved to lie, but he always gave a hint, he always helped solve his own puzzles because he had to. He had to be liked, he had to feel needed. He was in for a horrible storm. No matter how candidly he spoke to me, no matter what sincerity he brought me, no matter how far I would get, I would never like him. I would never want from him what he craves from everyone else. But I would convince him that I did, and in the end, after it all, I would crush him. For now, I had to play defense. I had to make him trust me. Because he was a walking contradiction. He liked to be confusing. But nothing is ever truly random, oh no.

Just then, it clicked. Who else would have the means, who else would be close friends with a Selina, who else would have that quirky left leaning smile permanently stuck to his face, who else would name his personal assistant robot Reggie?

The Riddler was one of Nygma’s half siblings. He got the money from their well off father, met Selina Kyle, Nygma’s business partner, through him, they share the robot. Perhaps Nygma had lied about having more siblings in the city, or perhaps Riddler was the sister Nygma was talking about, but there was no doubt in my mind about Riddler’s identity. He was a Nygma as well. Or, whatever the last name of their father was. It all made sense. Now, all I had to do was get the proof. Get them in a room together, record a conversation. It would all happen eventually. And I think I know a little man who works with a bunch of cameras that’s eager to be apologized to and coddled, someone who would help me so long as I help him. I think I’ve solved my dilemma with Bookworm.

Chapter Text

When we got to the outside door he seemed to ponder whether or not to use his glove to open all of them simultaneously like he had last time we were here, but he eventually gave in and pressed his gloved hand to what I had thought was a fingerprint scanner. Of course, I don’t really care what it is. I just know it opens the doors.

“Do you… do you want to postpone? Maybe?” He asked me before we had even gotten through the first door.

“Postpone?”

“Your initiation.”

“I want to join.”

“I mean, like… like we just skip the initiation. I guess.” I stared forward at the doors closing ahead of us.

“Do they close when you stand still, or is it after a certain amount of time?”

“Both.” He put his finger on the screen to put in the passcode for the door in front of us and they all opened again. He kept his hand on the screen as we spoke.

“Do you want me to skip it?”

“Don’t ask me that. Just answer the question.”

“I’d rather skip it, if it’s all the same to you.” I didn’t look at him, only ahead at the empty hallway. I had figured out by now much of why he did what he did, but that didn’t make it less absurd to see it in person.

“Do you have any siblings?” I asked him, standing still and looking ahead.

“Do we have to talk about this at work?” He laughed. When I didn’t say anything more he continued, “Yes. I do. But we can talk about that later, can’t we?”

“How are we going to go out if I don’t know who you are?”

“If you haven’t figured it out by now I’m afraid there’s no helping you.”

“I have a guess.”

“I should hope you would have at least that. Let’s hear it.”

“No. Not until I’m sure.”

“We’ll have to delay the date too then. Until you’re sure.”

“I suppose we must. You wouldn’t just give me the answer.”

“No, of course not.” He shook his head, ever smiling. “Go on, let’s get to the lab.”

I took a step forward. “You have to go without me. I have to hold my hand here to keep all the doors open.” I looked at him finally.

Then I walked the long hallway into the holding room for the lab.

All the doors shut behind me, and then I could hear the sound of them lifting up one by one. Lifting up, pushing to the side, splitting through the middle. Most of the doors did a different thing. I think if I had truly, truly explored this place I would find that most things are like that. So similar that the differences really didn’t even matter, but they were there. They were there. And for a reason too, probably not a good one, but they were different for a reason.

Once he had gotten through all the doors and stood next to me I spoke again.

“I need to talk to Bookworm. I’m going to do that once we get inside.”

“Alright.” I couldn’t make out what the tone of the statement was, either confused or nonchalant. Regardless, he stood in front of the final door for a second and opened his mouth to speak, but he didn’t say anything. He just opened the door and let us both in.

Bookworm was waiting at the workbench with Catwoman.

He looked up sourly and sighed. “Congratulations.” He said so flatly that I didn’t even think it was an insult, just a statement of fact.

“You know what, I don’t think either of us won that fight. Especially not me, I quit first.” He seemed suspicious now.

“But… you definitely won that little slap fight we had in the hall before the real one. So I think if either of us wins the whole thing it’s you.”

“You-” He looked convinced for a minute, then back to sour. “Don’t mean that.”

“You should have the footage, shouldn’t you? Pull it up. Let them be the judges.”

He cautiously rose to his feet. He sized me up for a second, then went to a screen and did whatever to pull the security footage up. I didn’t feel like watching, but Catwoman, Riddler and Bookworm all crowded around the little screen.

“Well, I’d say you both sound like giant nerds. But yeah, the kid wins.” Catwoman nodded in agreement.

“I’m glad that’s settled.” I said, and we all sat huddled at the workbench.

“Maybe we should… like… go sit somewhere else?” Riddler suggested, and we all stood.

He laughed, “Wow that was cool. We like… okay- wait what were we doing?” Catwoman began to walk to the meeting room and we all followed.

I almost asked where Echo and Query were, before remembering my communicator. Neither of them showed up in the building. How were they meant to track each other if the map only worked on the building?

I stood by the door again, still not having a seat.

“Dude, just take Nin- Echo’s or something.” Riddler shook his head, correcting himself. I sat in Echo’s seat.

“What do you all know about Edward Nygma?” I asked, hoping to get at least something other than uncomfortable looks from faces I could only see half of.

Catwoman spoke, “He’s…” She looked at Riddler and cleared her throat, then back at me. “He’s the one who programmed all our stuff.”

Bookworm hummed in agreement.

“He’s a two timing sleaze, a cheap whore, a filthy capitalist and to top it all off he has an ugly wig.” Riddler spoke like an old radio show host might, or a carnie. It made his friends laugh.

“He wears a wig?” I asked, not amused by the silly voice.

“Uh. Yeah, yeah he does.” Riddler dropped the voice.

“So he wears colored contacts and a wig. Do any of you know what he’s hiding?”

They all looked at each other.

“Ah.” Riddler looked back at me. “You know, I think he might be hiding his identity.”

“I had gathered as much. I suppose I meant to say, do any of you know who he really is?”

Riddler shook his head, Catwoman said “No!” and Bookworm just stayed silent.

I nodded very slowly. “How about his sister?”

“Half sister.” Catwoman corrected me.

“Sure. Is she still a… sister? Is she still a she?”

Catwoman pulled her lips back in what could almost be a smile and Riddler laughed.

“Yes, his sister is still a woman.” Bookworm informed me.

“And his other half siblings?”

“What other half siblings?” Catwoman asked, but she looked at Riddler as she said it. He exaggeratedly grimaced and looked down.

“I haven’t heard of any other siblings.” Bookworm said. “I should know, he shows up on the cameras all the time.”

“Does he now?” I ignored the other two for the time being.

“Um. He. Yes…?”

“What can you tell me about him?”

“I could… tell you… I couldn’t tell you anything? But I know. I know who… he is?”

“You know about him, but you can’t say?” Bookworm looked at Catwoman who looked at Riddler who was still looking down, Bookworm smacked his lips and looked back at me.

“His half sister works at his company?”

“I know that. Who is she?”

“His half sister.”

Riddler stood. “I think we should all leave now! I think we should all leave and probably never ever talk about this subject again, maybe ever! What say you, folks?” Catwoman stood too.

“Great plan.” Bookworm stood, leaving only me sat.

“I’m going to talk to him.” I said, before standing as well.

“Well, good luck!” Riddler said. We all left the meeting room and stood awkwardly next to each other in front of the final door which led out. Catwoman stood in the back of the group for a second, before turning around and disappearing into who knows where.

I knocked on the door. It was a promise I was making good on. A promise that would probably disturb these poor people. I won’t say it wasn’t stupid, but I can’t say I wasn’t curious.

A woman with light brown hair that shined red in the sunlight opened the door.

“Sorry, hon. We can’t buy anything.” She almost had the door closed, but I stuck my foot in.

“No, no ma’am I’m not selling anything. Um- well, I’m your new neighbor and I wanted to come by and say hello.” Just my luck, I didn’t have to lie at all.

I had moved in this morning and I had to start school the same day. Just my luck.

When I told the girls in the locker room, who were incredibly friendly to me, where I had moved their voices got all hushed.

“That’s next door to the Nashtons.” One of them said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked her.

“Well… that’s where Eddie Nashton lives. Eddie, bless his heart, is…”

While she hesitated, another girl piped up.

“Eddie’s– he’s special. He used to go to school with us, but then it got too bad for him to stay.”

“It?” The group of girls shook their heads almost in sync.

“He’s got some kinda mental disorder. I mean, he was sweet, but he couldn’t sit still, couldn’t do any of his work. Sometimes he’d just shout something… weird… out into the classroom.”

“And he’d always bite his nails.” One of the girls recalled, disgusted.

“He was with us from kindergarten all the way ‘til freshman year. He never went outside by himself, not even once. He was too scared. His mama had to walk him inside the school so he wouldn’t freak out.”

“Wow.” I said, wanting to continue the conversation. But the coach had other ideas. Just my luck.

Eventually, as I was walking home from school one of the girls caught up with me.

“Selina?” She called, I turned around.

“Yeah?” She caught up to me.

“Do you- sorry- do you think you could… see how Eddie Nashton is doing? When you get home, I mean.”

“I mean… I guess so? Why?” She turned her head and scratched her arm.

“I just. I want to know if he’s alright.” I smiled real softly and nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll go on and try to check on him.”

Ms. Nashton looked at me, she looked friendly enough as she smiled. She was a bit taller than me, and heavyset, and she had a smile that leaned to the left while her head tilted to the right.

“What’s your name, hon?”

“Selina. Uh, Selina Kyle.”

“Your parents home?”

“No, ma’am.” She looked inside her house, then back at me.

“How old are ya, Selina?”

“16, ma’am.”

“16?” I nodded.

“My boy’s the same age.” She looked inside her house again and nodded at something. Or someone.

“He’s shy, you wanna come in?”

I wanted to say no, “Sure thing, ma’am.” But the desire to meet legendary Eddie Nashton was stronger.

When I told other people where I had moved, their reaction was mostly the same. Hushed voices, stories about the weird little kid they had all known, then one day after a really bad episode he had just left.

There were stories about his mama, too. What she might have done to him, what she might be doing to him. But seeing her face made me think that she had done nothing wrong. Some people are just born with problems.

One story I remember well was of Eddie biting a girl so hard they both had to go to the hospital. Strange thing is is that I met the girl the story was about, and she didn’t have anything bad to say about him. Only that she felt sorry. That was what everyone said. They felt sorry for him. All the teachers said the same thing.

He stood behind the corner as me and his mama spoke. He had that same copper hair, but no smile. Just a worried little frown and a scrunched up face as he stared at me. His eyebrows were thin. That’s what I could see, he had eyebrows that looked like he overplucked them. And big watery green eyes that looked like he was about to cry.

Ms. Nashton turned around and waved him over. “C’mon, baby. It’s okay.” He looked at me, then at his mama. He took a deep breath and held it as he walked over to sit by Ms. Nashton. He looked about 6 foot and was heavier, but not like his mama. He had a bunch of red marks on his face that looked like acne scars after they had been picked at for probably years.

“Well, I… well if it’s no trouble, uh Eddie. A girl at school asked about you. You know Diedre Vance?”

His big watery eyes opened even wider, but he wouldn’t look at me or breathe and then he finally let his held breath go after his face had turned red. He bit the inside of his lip, but he didn’t answer.

“Vance?” His mama asked me.

“Yeah.” I answered.

“You’d do good to stay away from that girl. The Vances are nothin’ but trouble.” She shook her head.

“Oh, yeah, alright ma’am.” I didn’t want any trouble from her, and I had gotten mostly what I wanted. I knew the boy was fine, but I still wanted to stay.

The inside of their house was weird. Weird like it was so normal that it was weird. Weird because they had everything a family home should have but it all seemed off. They had broken picture frames on the walls, some of them didn’t even have pictures in them and the ones that did only had a young Ms. Nashton. They had some knickknacks, and all of those were turned at a specific angle. Like they were all looking at something. I followed them to the only unbroken picture frame on the wall, and it was a big photo of Ms. Nashton at some kind of event. She was done up all pretty and every one of their little figurines admired her. Eddie had done that.
Their couches weren’t new, and they were ripped like an animal would’ve done but there was no animal in sight. The tears were barely covered with blankets and throw pillows that all looked handmade.

“Do you sew, Ms. Nashton?” I asked, looking above her at the cross on the wall.

“Yes I do! Well, I used to.” She sounded a little sad at the end. Eddie hid his face in her shoulder and slung his arms around her middle. He mumbled something to her through her skin.

“When I had him, I just didn’t have the time anymore. And he doesn’t like the machine so, I don’t sew anymore. But I did. I made all the pillows and blankets in this house.”

I nodded, trying to look at Eddie but my eyes settled on her. “That’s pretty cool, ma’am.”

“Do you know what time it is, hon?” I shook my head, and pulled out my phone.

“It’s 4:30, ma’am.” I read then looked back up at her. She pried her son off of her and he slouched over like he was trying to fold himself in half when she got up.

“I’ve got to get his meds, hon. You can stay. I’d rather him be with someone than alone, ‘cause he hates taking them.” She laughed and left the room.

Eddie sat up and looked at me like he was dissecting me. He was a bit cross eyed, though, like he could barely see me no matter how hard he was staring.

“W-When’s your birthday?” He mumbled.

“My birthday?” He nodded.

“March 18th.” Eddie seemed to like my answer.

“I- I can tell if someone’s a good person. ‘Cause of their… ‘cause… Birthday.” He folded himself in half again for a second before coming back up to meet my eyes.

“Mine’s March 18th- Mine’s March 18th… t-too.” Eddie tapped his fingers on his knees.

“So are… are we good people, then?” I tried to play along.

“Yeah.” It was the clearest word he had said the whole time. “She gives- she gives… she gives me needles. Selina- Selina- Selina… you’ve got a good name too, you’ve got a good…” He blinked. He seemed out of his mind, and he looked like a druggie off the side of the road. He scratched at the red marks on his face.

“I’m sorry.” He said, so quiet I could barely even heard.

“Don’t be sorry.” I told him.

Ms. Nashton came back out with a needle full of something. I didn’t want to watch this, but I knew I had to. I just had to stay after Eddie spoke to me.
She didn’t speak. She lost her smile. She just rolled up Eddie’s sleeve and pushed the thing into his shoulder. Eddie cried. He cried real quiet and it looked so tragic I almost cried too. After it was all said and done he didn’t even look like we were in the same world anymore. He looked so far gone that I almost cried again.

Ms. Nashton left the room again. “Eddie?” I asked, doubting if he was even still alive with the look on his face.

“Diedre Vance. Will you tell her I’m okay? Tell her I’m alright. And- and can you tell her. Can you tell her I miss her?”

“I will.”

“Selina? Please don’t let- please don’t let her keep me here.”

He shook his head, he shook his head hard. He kept shaking his head harder and harder until his mama came back in and I just about jumped up out of my seat. He started screaming and crying.
I wanted to stay but Ms. Nashton shooed me out. I ran as quick as I could back to my house.
I could still hear him screaming and crying, I stared at the outside of their house through my window. I stared like I had lasers in my eyes and I was trying to blow the whole damn thing sky high. I stared and stared until the noise stopped but wouldn’t leave my head. My granny had to come and shake me awake so I would just stop staring.

Eddie Nashton was probably special, but he was for sure an addict. She was feeding that boy hard drugs.

I woke up at my desk in his office. The phone was ringing.

“Call from Jonathan Crane.” Nina said, she giggled a little.

“Yeah, put him through.”

“Ms. Kyle?” I asked once she had picked up.

“Speaking.” She sounded as though she had just woken up.

“I apologize for the unexpected call, but I needed to know-” She cut me off.

“Listen, doctor, I’m sure it’s very important whatever you’re calling about. So you should call Ed instead, and leave me alone.”

“Well that would be a good idea, but it’s because of Edward that I am calling.”

She was silent for a while. “Is he… is everything okay?”

“No, everything is not okay. He’s passed out in my office and won’t wake up. I’ve already called an ambulance but you should come over here. Probably ride with him to the hospital.” She hung up.

Technically, it was true. Nygma was on the couch he liked so well, slouched over and silently sleeping. He wouldn’t wake up for a while. Not until I wanted him up, anyway. But I had not called an ambulance. I just needed Kyle over.