Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kakashi, with horrorific detail, could tell anyone what it felt like to jab a hole through someone's chest with his hands. How the ribs would crackle like his electricity before breaking away like small branches. How The human heart felt in his gloved hand, beating one last time before being punctured. The ribs on the back shatter and fold away the same way before his gloved hand, wet in a way that would never wash out, hit the air again.

He could talk of what it sounded like to be that close to someone as they died, taking a final, horrible, gasping wet breath. What their eyes looked like in shock and surprise before losing light and life entirely.

But he wouldn't. Kakashi wouldn't speak of it at all.

He'd aimed for Zabuza in the mist. But he'd struck Haku.

Kakashi's eyes widened as his hand went through a much smaller chest than he'd expected, when smaller hands than he'd been trading blows with gripped his forearm to keep him from moving. The heart next to his arm fluttered like a tiny bird--he could feel it struggling to support life, only moments from giving up entirely.

He couldn't stop the horror from stretching his face when he saw the younger ninja had protected their master.

Haku's eyes met Kakashi, first determined defiance, and then peaceful acceptance. They coughed, blood spattering their own face, and Kakashi's. Brown eyes met his. And suddenly, Kakashi wasn't on the bridge. He was on a battlefeild, years ago, with his hand through another smaller chest, brown eyes meeting his in pained acceptance. Was it a Mist headband or a Leaf? Were those blood spatters on their face, or purple strips? His vision wavered--sharigan draining his chakra or... or the weight of what had happened again?

Someone made a sound of surprise. Sakura--that's right. He had his team. He wouldn't let his comrads die. Zabuza went for him--he was going to cut through his own teammate to kill Kakashi. Kakashi was the only one who could stop him. Save the bridgebuilder, save this town's hope. Save himself, save his team.

He took Haku in his arms and leapt away.

He didn't flinch at the horrible sound as he pulled his hand from the young ninja's body.

He didn't notice Naruto trembling when the boy saw who Kakashi had killed.

Hours later, they came to Tazuna's house. Exhausted, injured, but alive. Inari wouldn't let his mother out of his sight. He and Naruto recounted to the others what had happened, and Kakashi felt pride--Naruto would make a fine leader himself one day, once he ranked chunin. But it was a dim emotion. He wasn't all there--he was still lost in brown eyes and bloodstained bodies...

"Kakashi sensei, we've all cleaned up if you wanted to use the bath," Sakura called from the doorway of the room they were staying in. She pulled a face, wrinking her nose. "Naruto made a mess and got water everywhere."

"Did not! That was Sasuke! He had more wounds to wash out that I do."

Kakashi looked up at his kids at the doorway, Sasuke and Naruto glaring at each other. But not with the usual intensity. Something had forged between them while in the ice mirrors, something no ammount of training could've given them. Kakashi swallowed heavily, thinking suddenly of him and Obito, finally gaining friendship when lives were truly on the line. It would be okay, he told himself. They all lived.

He stripped off his shirt and flak vest and stood in front of the mirror, trying not to look at himself. He was still covered in blood--his own, Zabuza's, and Haku's. His hands were still caked in it--Haku's and his, but also Naruto and Sasuke's when he'd checked their wounds after the fight. Kakashi's hands had trembled, but neither boy seemed to notice. The smell of blood was thick around him, and Kakashi's nose was better than most people's. Gai calmly advised him once, when he'd stumbled to his rival's apartment instead of his own after a hard mission.

"It's not that bad, Kakashi."

"I can smell it." He'd shook slightly, but tried to master himself, not wanting Gai to see. "I should go home."

"No." Gai's hand ghosted over his shoulder, but Gai didn't touch him as he directed him to the bathroom. Kakashi had almost broken at the care and attentiveness Gai showed him. And all when Kakashi was rarely anything but aloof. "Take all that off and put it outside the door. Clean up so you can't smell it. You can borrow some of my things--I'll wash yours."

Kakashi had looked down at his dominant hand, still reddish brown with an enemy ninja's blood.

Gai noticed.

Without thinking, Kakashi turned on the taps in the sink. Clean his hands, then start the bath. Clean his hands. His hands.

He yanked off his gloves and dropped them to the floor before thrusting his hands under the scalding water. He took the soap off the holder, pinkish water dripping to the sink and the floor-- "Sensei made a mess! Sakura's voice dimly called out in his imagination--and scrubbed.

And scrubbed.

He didn't know how long it was that he was lost in the rhythm of washing his hands. The water was still hot but his skin had gone red, and not from blood. A shout from the next room made him jump--Naruto, getting worked up over something. It was enough to bring him back.

Kakashi looked from his trembling hands to his face in their mirror. The face of a killer. The face of the kids' teacher. The face of team 7. He opened his Sharigan only breifly--he had used it alot over the course of the mission and he was more out of practice than he wanted it admit--and it wirred, spinning red.

No one said anything about his lengthy time washing up when he emerged. Tazuna laughed when he went to the bathroom.

"Can we keep your sensei?" he asked Sasuke and Sakura. "He'd make a good house-cleaner. Everything is spotless."

They both went to look as well and emerged, laughing a little.

At dinner, Kakashi caught Sasuke staring at his hands. He'd wanted his gloves back, but Tsunami insisted on washing all their gear. Neither of them made any remark about it.

He went out very late into the night to sit on the dock and look out at the ocean. The moon was still bright and reflected gently off the dark, still water. Kakshi stared where the sky met water. It was peaceful. Safe. He wished it would stay like this forever.

"...Kakashi sensei?"

It was rare for Naruto to sound so quiet. Kakashi didn't turn all the way around, just his head halfway, and Naruto's bare feet padded gently on the wood to come closer.

"Can I sit with you?"

"Sure."

And Naruto plopped down beside him, hugging his knees to his chest. He looked out across the ocean. Kakashi looked back to the moon. Naruto quiet and thoughtful was uncharacteristic of him. Had he missed something after the battle? Was he alright--?"

"Haku... he um--"

"They," Kakashi corrected softly. Naruto chuckled slightly under his breath. "What?"

"They mentioned. I thought they were a girl at first, and then a boy." And then he sobered, face collapsing and lower lip wobbling. "When we were fighting... they asked me to kill them."

Kakashi's eyes widened.

"They explained it to me. They even said I was stronger than Sasuke." Naruto offered a weak smile. "I'm not sure what I did--I was seeing everything in red, it was almost like I wasn't there after Sasuke was attacked..."

He'd been told cruelly about the fox, Kakashi knew. But now wasn't the time to explain the powerful, dangerous chakra.

"I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to kill someone I knew. I met them outside of battle. They were picking herbs." There were tears on Naruto's cheeks now. Kakashi dimly thought, it's just dust in my eyes!. "But they convinced me." He looked to Kakashi. "And I was ready."

Kakashi could tell that he was.

"Naruto, I..."

"But--when I saw you'd killed them..." Naruto blinked and looked away. "I was scared. I've never seen anything like that up close, ya know... I'd never seen someone's hand.... through someone."

Kakashi flinched and Naruto darted a quick glance at him.

"But I was also relieved." Naruto bit his lip as his voice cracked again. "I--you looked as scared as I felt, ya know, when I was going to do it." Naruto's shoulders shook. "Because even thinking about it was too hard for me."

"It's probably very hard to consider taking a life for the first time." Kakashi didn't think he remembered the first. There were too many, now.

And then, Naruto's gaze went to Kakashi's raw hands. Another darted look at his face. Naruto shook again, voice cracking. "Killing someone like that. That technique you used. That's got to be real hard too, huh?"

For a moment, only the gentle noise of the lapping tide filled the air, the crickets from the trees. Kakashi tried not to tremble and failed.

"Yeah," he said, voice suddenly sandpaper. Dust in his eyes. Dust in his throat.

Naruto nodded stiffly. "...Sensei, I know this was an A ranked mission. And I know I wanted that. But... those involve killing. And I don't know if I'm exactly ready for that. So... after this, I think I'd like a C rank, for real next time. Or a low B rank, if the old man will let us."

Kakashi swallowed heavily, crinkling his eye into a slight smile. "Sure, Naruto."

Sometimes, the smiles on Naruto's face where Minato Sensei and Kushina's. This one was one of increasing number that were Naruto's own.

"Thanks, Kakashi."

Naruto sucked in a breath and pulled himself up. He looked around and then back at Kakashi.

"...I think I'm going to bed now." He grinned goofily. "Sakura snores," he whispered.

Kakashi blinked. Then-- "I've noticed," he whispered conspiringly.

And Naruto looked stunned for a moment before giggling.