Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Him
This won’t work. We need a pause before we can go on, or we will lose everything. Our love is waves tossing me around. My ship will wreck if we go on like this. I will drown.

Her
Aren’t you going to fight for me? Have you given up? Why are you mad if you have given up? Why am I offending you? I’m not your problem anymore, am I?

Don’t call me kid. Don’t call me baby. Not if you won’t fight. Not if I’m not your problem anymore.

Him
Who is he? What are you doing? What is this about?

You’ll miss me once the thrill expires. You’ll come back to me.

…Right?

I never learnt to read your mind. You didn’t give a warning sign. I don’t like this game.

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Her
Why won’t you even look at me? I do everything to get your attention but nothing works. I know that wasn’t a good idea. I know. But I’m out of ideas.

Don’t you understand? I want you to know that I’m doing all this to get you back. This is me trying. THIS. IS. ME. TRYING.

You’re not hearing me… You’re not seeing me. I’m on my tallest tiptoes, spinning in my highest heels, shining just for you, just trying to be noticed. But you won’t even look my way.

It’s alright. I’ll keep trying. Even if you call off the circus, I’ll stay on that trapeze, trying everything to keep you looking at me; I will stay on that tightrope, trying everything to get you laughing at me.

This is me trying. At least I’m trying.

You’re not.

Him
I think I’ve seen this film before. I didn’t like the ending.

There is no amount of crying I could do for you. I can’t deal with your games. I can’t care anymore.

Whether the weather be the frost, or the violence of the dog days, I had loved you nonetheless. I’d sworn I’d love you until the end. This is the end. I don’t want to care anymore. I can’t care anymore. This is the end.

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Her
Summer slipped between my fingers like the bottle of wine that we’d dropped. November is grey. It’s cold and damp by the river. Those stepping stones… Just like our journey…

So I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone, trying to find the one where I went wrong.

I can change. I can change for you. We can change our story.

I won’t give up. I can’t give up. I don’t know what else to do. You taught me a secret language that I can’t speak with anyone else. Now words only add insult to injury.

You won’t give me a chance. So I write letters addressed to the fire. It replies with ashes. And insult.

The film won’t play. The tape keeps pausing however many times I rewind it. It always pauses at the same moment, just like my thoughts. I’ve found the stone where all was lost. And I’m stuck on that stone. There’s no moving forward, or backward.

I’m trying.

Why am I still trying?

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Her
Floating alone in the ocean, currents swirling…

I’m unmoored…

Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me. An idiotic fool floating and tumbling and sinking in the waves. The water stings because I feel like an open wound. Why are you doing this? Why did you teach me a secret language only to unlearn it yourself? Why won’t you speak to me? Why did you show me all these colours that you know I can’t see with anyone else, and then leave me in the middle of the grey ocean?

I want you. I need you. I’m drowning. I’m drowning in pain. I stare out the open window, walk barefoot in the wildest winter, put my head above the water, to catch my breath, but I’m certainly catching my death. And I scream at the sky as if you were there to hear me. I scream so loud as water fills my lungs but you never hear a thing. You aren’t even there.

Why won’t you speak to me? Why? I need you. All I want is you. You know damn well that, for you, I would ruin myself a million little times. Gladly, too.

Could you please listen to me? Just once? Please, could you – DON’T YOU DARE GHOST ME.

… Come back. Please come back. I need you…

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Him
No. It’s over.

I couldn’t read your mind. I couldn’t turn things around. You didn’t give a warning sign. You exiled me without warning. Our ship tossed and turned in the water. We both knew it would wreck. So I abandoned it.

That’s it. That’s the end.

Her
We’ve always walked a very thin line. You didn’t even hear me out. You never learnt to read my mind. You never turned things around. I gave so many signs but you didn’t even see the signs.

I think I’ve seen this film before. I didn’t like the ending.

Is there no way to change our ending?

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Her
I know how the film ends so why am I still watching it?

You were my homeland. Now I’m exiled and shipwrecked on a rocky shore, wishing you were by my side. Even in the shipwrecks, in the cracks of light, I dream of you. And I find solace in my dreams.

Ha. What a fool I am. Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me. You were my one and only. But our battleship has sunk beneath the waves. Our castle has crumbled. My kingdom has come undone. And I can go anywhere but home.

I’d fought long enough. I fought because you used to tell me I was brave. But it was fruitless this time. I don’t have it in myself to go with grace, but I can’t fight any longer. I lie on these cold, jagged rocks, too tired to stand, too tired to ever get up. I have this peculiar feeling that this pain would last forever and evermore.

My heart is a broken drum. It won’t start for you again. Yet, I want no other shade of blue but you. No other sadness in the world will do. I ruined myself for you and I’d do it again a million times.

Look at all of my tears. Do they turn into your tears?

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Her
Summer had slipped away like the bottle of wine we’d dropped. But I’m still drunk on this pain. I try to remember only the good years. But I can’t.

I try to find my way, but I’m still in the middle of nowhere. I scream so loud but no one heard a thing. And I’m stuck all the same.

Even when I was shipwrecked, I couldn’t help thinking of you. When I was living for the hope of it all, dreams were real enough to get me through nights without you.

But not anymore.

I try to find my way. I try not to live in dreams. Why do I remain stuck?

Him
August slipped unnoticed away into a moment in time. Because you were never mine. I should have known.

I remember your back beneath the Sun, and wishing I could write my name on it. So much for summer love, saying ‘mine’, believing you were mine to lose.

Did you ever love me at all?

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Her
I don’t remember what I used to fight for. There was never any point in fighting. You never cared. But I must admit, just because I understand now, just because I've learnt to breathe without you, doesn’t mean I don’t miss it.

But I have a feeling so peculiar, that this pain wouldn’t be for evermore.

Him
It was for the best. She was never mine. I would’ve drowned if I had stayed. Exile hurt. But exiled was better than drowned.

And I have a feeling so peculiar, that this pain wouldn’t be for evermore.