Archive of Our Own ^beta

"I've done what I can Nakahara." Yosano-sensei's voice broke Chuuya out of his trance.

She looked at him with sad eyes. Her ability could heal any lethal injuries, but only in the body. Dazai had done this to himself, there's no doubt he will simply try again. Chuuya knew this. 

"I can't heal the mind Nakahara" the drs voice was solemn. "I've seen eyes like his before.... too many times-" her voice trails off as her mind took her back to a time best forgotten

Chuuya waited silently, he respected Yosano- sensei greatly. Not many would leap to action at 3am to save a suicidal maniac from dying. But here she was, doing just that. 

"You can go see him, he's awake" Yosano placed a hand on Chuuyas shoulder as she stepped past him but said nothing more as she left him and Dazai alone.

Chuuya walked into the room Dazai was waiting in and closed the door behind him. He sat on the chair next to the bed. The room was dimly lit, a single bed in the middle with the head pressed to the wall. A large window on the opposite wall. Chuuya stood and opened it. The latches meant it couldnt open much more than a crack, but it was enough. The sharp air helping diffuse the suffocating tightness in Chuuyas chest. He set himself on the window ledge and stared outside at a sleeping Yokohama.

Dazai watched. He watched with dead eyes. As Chuuya settled on the window ledge. Dazai said nothing. Simply observed Chuuya much the same way one might watch a cat from across the street. He so desperately wanted to pull Chuuya into his arms and tell him he was sorry, to say he wouldnt do it again, but it would taste a lie. Instead Dazai swallowed the guilt the way he too often swallowed pills and burning liquor.

Chuuya didn't know what he wanted more, to scream in that stupid mackerels face or kiss every inch of it. He opted for neither.

"Shitty Dazai" he mumbled as he cast his gaze out across the sleeping city. What he wouldn't give to keep this place safe.... but he'd burn it all if that man died.

" Yosano-sensei's ability is rather impressive, no?" Dazais voice was as it usually is, like a dance on Chuuyas senses.

"I will have to treat her to a vintage for this" Chuuya responded. He dare not look at that stupid man yet.

 "I'm sure she's pissed she had to get up to save you at 3am" he was angry, but he doubted the doctor felt the same. Her tired eyes sat heavy in Chuuyas memories. They were sad, knowing eyes. 

"Aw is Chibi gumpy?" Dazais tone was condescending, a charade to mask his guilt that sat on his chest like a fat cat.

"You fucking stupid, selfish waste of bandages! Of course I'm angry! No word from you in months and then you call in the middle of the night to say 'goodbye'!" Chuuya screamed, a red glow emanating from his body. 

"GOODBYE?!. How fucking dare you Dazai!" He was trembling. He turned to glare at Dazai and his fury abandoned him. Looking back at him, Dazai radiated guilt. His dark eyes carried his hurt.

"Shitty Dazai" Chuuya mumbled again as he calmed himself. He looked down at his clenched fists, at the small crater forming beneath his feet. He wasnt aware he had stood.

"Ah, Im gonna owe them for that too" he sighed

Dazai watched Chuuya, his chest tight and heart heavy. He knew it would hurt his Chibi, but this made no dent in his resolve. Dazai hated pain, hated it more than anything. He would rid himself of it one day soon. He just had to make sure next time. 

Dazai patted the bed next to him and Chuuya sat. For a moment. Things felt okay. Chuuya lay down next to Dazai. Dazai soon fell asleep. Unspoken words hung heavily in the air.

Soon the first signs of morning broke through the dark. Birds chirped and cold, artificial light, gave way to sunrise, warm and soft.

Chuuya heard footsteps and moved himself back to the seat by the door. A soft knock on the door. 

"Its just me" Yosano-sensei's voice was soft

"Come in" Chuuya replied quietly

"Coffee?" The doctor held a cup out to Chuuya and he took it, grateful once again for this woman who asked too little questions.

"I'm a little surprised if not relieved to see he is still here" Yosanos voice hiding nothing. "That said, he is going to try again." Her eyes met Chuuyas and he felt her heart in his chest.

"Has Mori-sensei ever told you about when I worked for him?" She asked

Chuuya recalled the stories the boss had told him, of why he wanted Yosano to come to the mafia. Of her achievements during the war. Chuuya also remembered how the doctor received her title 'Angel of Death', remembered the story about Tachihara-kuns brother. Chuuya nodded in response to her question.

"I've seen this before Nakahara, there is nothing left for me to do, except this" Yosano-chan handed Chuuya two small bottles. Inside them a single pill each.

"Mori-sensei made Dazai-kun a promise, that if he did as he was ordered, he would make him a drug that would help him die comfortably. As a doctor, it wasnt hard for me to make the same drug. He was my sensei after all. Each of these is a lethal dose. You'll have about 5, maybe 10 minutes before losing consciousness, death will follow less than a minute later." Her voice was sad but steady.

Chuuya had already made up his mind. But having the doctor give him these, it made him realise how real this all was. He wasn't afraid, if anything, he was kind of relieved. To know his stupid mackerel wouldn’t suffer anymore. To know he wouldn't be alone. He would finally have what he has wanted since before they met. Death. His perfect double suicide. Chuuya looked at the two bottles in his hand when it finally dawned on him.

“You knew?” Chuuya asked the doctor

“Of course, always have” she replied, a sad smile on her face

She was gentle, in her heart, she was still so gentle. Chuuya smiled sadly in return.

“Yeah, I guess you would, wouldn't you? I'm sorry doctor” Chuuya felt his guilt rising into his throat. First he calls her out of nowhere in the middle of the night to save Dazai only for her to be the one to help them die. The irony hit him like a truck and for a moment Chuuya found himself breathless.

“Ah, don't be Nakahara, it was always going to be like this, or the two of you were quite literally going to kill each other in a battle one of these days” her voice lighter now.

The two chatted about this and that and nothing at all, for a little while. A moment in time that Chuuya would cherish. Dazai awoke with a groan and the air shifted.

“Morning sunshine” Yosano-chan spoke with her usual tone, it felt almost sharp against Chuuyas senses now.

Dazai groaned in response “hey doc why do I still feel like crap? Didnt yah fix me?” Dazais voice was teasing

“Dazai-kun~ I couldn’t fix you no matter how hard i tried” Yosano replied her sing-song tone making Dazai laugh

“Aw c’mon Yosano-Chaaan~” Dazai responded, a sudden shift in tone “ ‘m sorry bout last night” his guilt evident in his voice

“Nothing I'm unused to” the doctor's voice was short. “You’re physically fine, I simply kept you here for surveillance” she replied. She left the room shortly after, closing the door behind her.

The two men now alone again, though they knew the others of the agency would be arriving soon.

“I have to go now, no more trying to die without me, shitty Dazai” Chuuya said as he stood. He turned and looked back at Dazai, “3 days from now, at sunset, meet me at the river bank, you know where”. Chuuya left before Dazai could respond.

Dazai sat in the silence, suddenly lonely. He looked on the tray Yosano-sensei had left. Coffee, orange juice and 2 small white pills. A small note sat beneath them.

*A stimulant for you, it’ll help you get through the day at least

Take with the juice

You’re welcome

-Yosano*

Dazai loved that woman, she was indispensable and he knew the agency would be just fine with her here. He did as he was told and grabbed the coffee, taking it to his desk. He busied himself sorting his cases. Soon the others began to arrive. Dazai went through the motions of the day, grateful for the pick-me-up from the doctor. His conversations were uneventful, his cases equally as boring. The only thing holding in his mind was what Chuuya had said to him

*“3 days from now, at sunset, meet me at the riverbank, you know where”*

He did, its a spot they’ve met up at a few times before, though none of those times were necessarily joyful. Dazai couldn’t get it out of his head. What did Chuuya want to say to him that he wanted to go back there? Was he really that angry at him? Could Dazai really blame him if he was? His mind was reeling and the next few days felt like forever. Time seemed to be dragging its feet, the first signs of the nearing sunset only seemed to slow things down further. Dazai finished up at the agency and bid his usual farewells to everyone. Suddenly he knew. He knew he was saying goodbye for the last time. He felt no sadness at that. His peers, none the wiser, smiling. That's how his last memories of his friends ought to be.

He arrived at the meeting spot while the sun hung lazily, yet to fully commit to its slumber. He heard Chuuyas footsteps. Dazai smiled. 

“Oi! Shitty Dazai! Drink with me!” Chuuya called out, holding up two bottles of wine and a pair of drinking glasses

Dazai was a vision as he turned to face Chuuya, he was smiling, haloed by the deepening sunset, Chuuya felt his heart skip. In another life, he would have tangled sheets with this man. Would have burned the world for him. But, in this life, he was content. Content with spending one last night under the stars of Yokohama with good wine, simply in his company. Chuuya knew what love was, knew he was deep in it. Why else would he be here? Why else would he do this? He had no regrets, if only some grief for those he knew would mourn.

“So Chibi has invited me to share his wine?” Dazai asked, his smirk having Chuuyas stomach doing somersaults. 

Dazai loomed over Chuuya, not breaking eye contact, Dazai reached and grabbed a bottle from Chuuya. He opened it with deft fingers before grabbing the glasses in his other hand and pouring both of them a glass. Chuuya could feel the stupid in him, he grabbed his glass and stepped back, giving himself space. Dazai raised an eyebrow but said nothing. The two  men stood upon the river bank watching the night replace the day. Glasses discarded, they opted for drinking straight from the bottles. Half way through and Chuuyas confidence was at an all time high, it was Dazai who spoke first.

“So why has Chibi invited me out here hmmm~? Maybe a lecture, or! Maybe he wishes to commit a beautiful double suicide with me~!” Dazai spoke jokingly, in a songlike voice, but his expression went from teasing to curious when Chuuya didn't immediately shut him down.

Chuuya felt himself blush as if he was asking a crush to go out on a date. He felt unusually giddy. He expected himself to have started to feel sad, or fearful or doubtful. But instead he felt… excited?! Happy even. Gods he knew he was in deep, he was drowning in everything that was Dazai and he couldn't have felt more free.

“Chibi?” Dazais voice was unsettlingly gentle and he looked at Chuuya with eyes that could only be described as glistening

“Do you? Do you want to commit double suicide with me?” Dazais voice was careful, controlled.

Chuuya knew at that moment, he was ready. His life had always been one of borrowed time. It had been fun and it had been beautiful, in its own right. He was ready, to give it all up, to throw it all away, to fall with Dazai, eternally. He felt no sorrow, no fear, no sadness. He looked Dazai in the eyes as he pulled the two bottles out of his pocket and placed one in Dazais hand.

“Yes” Chuuyas reply was strong, though his voice was soft. 

Dazai took the bottle from Chuuya without looking away. Chuuya could see him searching for signs of doubt or satire, he could also see the hope blooming in Dazais eyes like the most beautiful rose. He was radiant.

“Chuuya” Dazais voice was breathy and deep “are you sure?”

Dazai wanted this, gods he wanted this, but he wouldn't take advantage of Chuuya, he had to be sure. He watched Chuuya carefully, searching for any signs of doubt or regret. Found nothing. Instead, Chuuya looked calm, he looked ready. Dazai couldn’t contain how much he adored this man who sat before him, ready to give his all to him, his very life. Careful not to drop this gift from his love, Dazai put it in his pocket. Then slowly he put his hand behind Chuuyas head and threaded his fingers into his ginger hair and pulled their faces together, softly, slowly, he kissed Chuuya. He waited for a response, wasn't left waiting long.

Chuuyas heart raced as Dazai kissed him, long fingers tangled in his hair. Chuuya couldn't think as Dazai pulled away just enough, he chased Dazais mouth with his own. Their kiss was gentle, filled with love and trust. Dazai pulled away first, he looked Chuuya in the eyes as he took the bottle from his pocket and tipped the capsule into his hand. Chuuya went to do the same.

“Wait Chibi” Dazais voice was gentle “don't worry, I won't go without you, I promise” 

Dazai took his and followed it with a swig of wine. He then grabbed Chuuyas and plopped it into his own mouth, before Chuuya could ask, Dazai kissed him, this time pressing the pill into Chuuyas mouth, Dazai pulled away, took a mouthful of wine and repeated the process. Chuuya felt the wine, pill and all as it flowed down his throat. Dazais kiss was everything he had imagined it would be, as intoxicating as the substances he was mixing into it. 

Dazai sat back, releasing Chuuya. The two men sat and drank, for a moment no words were said. Chuuya took off his jacket and lay it next to himself, he then placed his hat and gloves on top. Next his shoes. Dazai watched, confused at first but soon understanding Chuuyas' intention. He followed suit, removing his jacket and placing it next to Chuuyas, next his bolo tie and lastly his shoes. They finished their wine and left the bottles laying with their coats. Carefully and without haste they walked into the river together.  They stood and looked out as the dawn began to tease away the night. 

"You need not wake me anymore, Osamu" Chuuya murmured, his voice as soft as his body felt

"Okay Nakahara" Dazais reply was quiet, gentle

Dazai held Chuuya safely in his arms and smiled. Chuuya nuzzeled into Dazais chest. The river consuming them.

In eachothers arms and completely at peace, Osamu Dazai and Nakahara Chuuya drowned in the river of the city they loved.

...

The news of Dazai and Chuuyas deaths soon spread through Yokohama. The Port Mafia and The Armed Detective Agency came together to mourn two of their own. The world seemed oddly empty.