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.~*~.
He's on the front lawn again.
It's not really surprising at this point, if he's being honest.
It's been four months, and every night he's been in the garden.
It's the only place that doesn't hurt.
His home feels empty, too hot since the AC broke and the only person who knew how to fix it wasn't around anymore, too claustrophobic since the breath of fresh air that roamed the halls dispersed into toxic carbon dioxide, too lonely since the world's best friend returned to the earth beneath his body.
Lying on the grass, the evening air cold and stale around him, he feels closer than ever to her. Even with his sister's boombox blasting loud, aggressive music into the sky, almost shouting a harsh 'fuck you' to the world, he feels close to his mother.
She's a part of the earth now, and he's lying on the earth, so how couldn't he feel close to her?
Yes, he's maybe a little bit high, but that doesn't change that it makes sense in his mind.
The pathway that led to the front door of his house was lined with daisies she'd planted early in the spring, before her illness came and swept her away faster than Sapnap could say goodbye.
He shouldn't have had to say goodbye, not to his mother. Not at the young age of seventeen.
But he had to, he said goodbye and now all he had were her glasses clutched in his hands and the daisies in the driveway.
He hadn't cried since the funeral. Everyone grieves in different ways, that's what his father said, it was okay that he didn't cry. Sapnap couldn't help but feel like something was wrong with him. He knew that his father was right, but he wasn't grieving, at least he didn't feel like it.
He wasn't angry, but he wasn't denying it had happened. He wasn't bargaining but he wouldn't say he was depressed. And God knows he hadn't accepted it.
All he could feel was nothing, he was just numb.
He closed his eyes and let the soft breeze brush his hair out of his face, let himself sink into the ground and fade away in the dark abyss of bereavement.
A cough broke through the silence.
At first Sapnap thought it was his father, or perhaps some random person walking down the street, so he kept his eyes closed and sunk further, letting the blades of grass swallow him whole.
But another cough shattered the atmosphere, and Sapnap cracked an eyelid.
A boy stood before him, concern painted in the white of the harsh street lights across his face. He was pretty, Sapnap couldn't deny that, with bouncy, soft brown hair and gentle grey eyes. A tongue poked out over pink lips before sharp teeth pulled them inwards, and he gestured to the ground. Sapnap propped himself up on his elbows and nodded slowly, watching the boy in curiosity.
"It's almost midnight," the boy said in lieu of a greeting or introduction. "Why are you out here?"
"I could ask you the same thing," Sapnap responded, voice cracking slightly from disuse. The boy smiled, shrugging his shoulders.
"My cat escaped," the boy said as he sat down beside Sapnap, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging them close. "Had to run out and grab him quickly and then I saw you."
"And you decided that you just had to talk to me?" Sapnap questioned, wincing at how accusatory his voice sounded. "Sorry, ha, I'm a little high right now and when I get high I get snappy."
"It's cool," the boy said, turning his body to face Sapnap more and leaning his chin on his knees. "When I get high, I get giggly."
Sapnap hummed in acknowledgement, eyes roving over the boy's face and soft features: the gentle slope of his nose, his starry freckles. He really was gorgeous. "Well, why did you come over?"
"I've seen you out here every night for the past four months and I've always wondered why," the boy said, tilting his head in curiosity.
"Why should I tell you when you haven't even told me your name?" Sapnap raised an eyebrow, leaning back on his hands.
"You haven't told me yours, either," the boy pointed out, shrugging his shoulders.
"I didn't randomly approach you in the middle of the night."
"Touche." The boy giggled, Sapnap's lips curled at the side. "I'm Karl."
"Sapnap," Sapnap replied, tilting his head. He picked up his joint from the napkin laid beside him and offered it out. "Want some?"
"I'm alright," Karl said, though he took the joint anyway. "Still recovering from the brownies I had last night. But I am taking this."
"What?" Sapnap asked, confused. He reached out, trying to swipe his joint back from Karl's lithe hands. "Why? Give it back."
"Nope," Karl said, placing it on the ground and stubbing it out on the damp grass. Sapnap made a noise of protest. "I'm cutting you off. I could smell the weed across the street and I can't even tell what colour your eyes are. You're high enough."
Sapnap groaned and flopped down against the ground, arms crossing over his eyes. "You suck."
"I'm looking out for you. It's not safe to be this high in the middle of the night on your own," Karl said, flicking the joint away into the nearby bushes. "Speaking of, are you going to tell me why you're out here?"
"No." Sapnap scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I don't have to tell you shit."
"I guess not," Karl agreed, nodding his head slowly. A moment of still silence washed between the two before Karl began to move. For a second, Sapnap thought he was giving up, leaving and a wave of regret, guilt and loneliness settled deep in his bones. He didn't want to talk, not really, but he wanted someone by him. But then he felt a weight settle close to his side, a new warmth tingling over his arm.
Slowly, Sapnap lowered his arms to his sides and turned his head, watching as Karl settled on the ground next to him. "You don't have to tell me, of course you don't. But you can. I want to listen.. I won't say anything. When- I know how frustrating it can be when you're going through a hard time and- and you're trying to tell someone about it, trying to vent and they won't shut up, keep asking questions, pitying you. It's off-putting. So- You can talk and I'll listen. That's all I'll do. Unless you ask for advice after."
Sapnap stayed silent, watching Karl carefully as the boy folded his arms behind his head and used them as a pillow as he stared up at the stars. A slow, tired sigh left Sapnap's lips as he kept his eyes on Karl, watching the way his chest rose and fell so calmly.
Before he knew it, the words began to pour.
"My mom died a few months ago," Sapnap whispered, voice cracking. "She's gone and- and I'm not grieving and I miss her so much. I-I don't know what to do. Everything just feels numb."
Karl stared, sympathy scrawled in italics across his pretty face.
"Everything feels numb," Sapnap repeated. "I feel like I'm never gonna feel anything ever again. Will it always feel like this?"
"Are you asking me? Or thinking out loud?" Karl asked quietly, tilting his head to face Sapnap.
"I'm..." Sapnap hesitated, sighing deeply. "I'm asking, I think."
"Well, I can't speak from your experiences," Karl began, inhaling shallowly and exhaling slowly. "But I lost my dad when I was 13, and it does get better. You- You never really stop missing them but it - you know - it gets easier."
"How can it get easier?" Sapnap shook his head, screwing his eyes shut. "How can it? My mother's gone . I'm never going to see her again, hug her again, hear her laugh again. How am I supposed to feel anything after that?"
"I understand," Karl said, nodding his head. "Nothing feels the same, it's like your world has been flipped upside down and spun on its head a million times."
"And ripped to shreds," Sapnap added with a sad smile. "How- How did you get over it?"
"I'm not over it per se," Karl said, frowning gently. "But it got easier because I didn't try and pretend that he didn't exist. I didn't stop doing things we loved to do together just because he was gone. I continued them in his honour and, well, it made me feel like he was still here."
"The idea of even attempting to do anything we used to do together makes me feel like I'm going to throw up," Sapnap said with a melancholy chuckle.
"Yeah, it does feel like that at first," Karl said, smiling softly. "But that's why we start with something small. Something that reminds you of her but doesn't have really intense emotional connections to it, you know? Something that would seem like nothing to anyone else but is something that even vaguely reminds you of her. I think that's a good place to begin. Do you have anything like that?"
"Um." Sapnap paused, closing his eyes as he thought back to his mother and the things she did. He felt the warmth of the hot Florida night and his mind flipped back to the broken AC, untouched since his mother's diagnosis. "The- The AC. She was the only one that could ever fix it. It broke around the same time she got sick."
"That's perfect!" Karl exclaimed, pushing himself to be sat up again. "Tomorrow, I'll come over and we'll watch a video or two on how to fix the AC. We'll do it together."
"We will?" Sapnap asked, his voice low, a fragile whisper.
"Of course. I mean- if you want to. I just- I know how hard it is to do this alone and- and I wanna be there for you," Karl said, stumbling over his words slightly. "But- But, like I said, only if you want me to."
Sapnap rolled his bottom lip between his teeth, staring at this angel of a boy that seemed to care so much about him after knowing him for less than half an hour. Before he could second guess himself, he threw himself forward, arms latching around Karl's waist, head buried in the fabric around his stomach. Karl huffed out a soft, breathless laugh, his hands falling to card through Sapnap's hair, only to get caught on his hat, so he settled for playing with the curls on the nape of his neck.
"Please," Sapnap whispered into Karl's torso. "Please, I can't do it alone."
"Then you won't have to. I'll be here tomorrow, bright and early," Karl said, one hand trailing down to Sapnap's tense shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. "Now, it's almost 1 am. So you're going to go inside and try and get some sleep. I'll come around about midday, okay?"
"Okay," Sapnap agreed, pulling away and readjusting his skewed hat. "Okay, um, goodnight, Karl."
"Goodnight, Sapnap."
.~*~.
As it turns out, fixing a broken AC is a lot harder than it looks.
Karl and Sapnap had been sat underneath the thermostat for a good half an hour, watching video after video on how to fix the AC, but still they hadn't figured out how exactly to do it.
It was like the videos were in another language with how fast some of the instructors spoke, even after they'd lowered the playback speed and turned on the subtitles. Karl's dad's old toolbox sat in front of them, untouched except for the open lock and red, rusted paint taunting them as Karl scoured the internet for a more beginner-centered video.
"This was a bad idea," Sapnap complained, head tipping back to smack against the wall. "I'm not feeling very close to my mother. I just feel tired and stressed. And confused. Very confused."
Karl sighed and turned his phone off, dropping it on the floor with a dull thud. "How did your mom do it? Do you remember?"
"She, like, definitely didn't watch youtube tutorials," Sapnap said, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know what she used. She kind of just knew. Been like that for seventeen years."
"Well, she obviously didn't just know. She taught herself somehow," Karl said, pushing himself off of the floor and turning to the thermostat. He stared at it for a second before leaning down to his dad's toolbox and flipping it open, easily navigating his way to the screwdriver. He unscrewed the plastic cover of the thermostat and began to inspect it before letting out an excited. "Ah-ha!"
"What?" Sapnap asked, head snapping up to look at Karl, holding the plastic outside of the thermostat. He appeared to be inspecting the inside of it, a smile beginning to tug at the corners of his plush, pink lips. "Karl, what? Did you find instructions or some shit?"
Karl glanced up and simply smiled, handing the casing to Sapnap. "I think you should read for yourself."
Sapnap's eyebrows furrowed as he took the casing, fingers smoothing over the shiny plastic, turning it over in his palm.
On the inside was his mother's messy scrawls in black sharpie.
Nick, baby, I know it's you reading this - your father's too lazy to even bother with fixing the AC and your sister is too little. Clean the damn filter!!!
- Love, Mom
Sapnap's breath shuddered as a soft, painful chuckle strangled its way out of his throat. "Mom."
"I think we better go clean the damn filter." Karl snorted, reaching out to grab Sapnap's wrist. " Nick."
"She's the only one that called me that," Sapnap said softly, still staring at the little note. Karl stopped, turning to look back at Sapnap who stayed frozen in his spot. "Everyone calls me Sapnap, have done since I was, like, ten but she- she insisted on calling me that . Said- Said 'I spent 18 hours in labour to be able to give you that name, you bet your damn ass I'm going to keep calling you it'. Even- Even on the days leading up to, well, you know, she kept saying that whenever my dad called me Sap or Sapnap or when my sister did. She never gave up."
Karl listened intently, squeezing Sapnap's wrist gently whenever the brunet's breath hitched or he stumbled over his words. "I'm sorry. I won't call you that again if you don't want me to."
"No," Sapnap said, shaking his head as he put the casing in his pocket. "No, it's okay. I- I think I like hearing you say it. Maybe not too much, you know, but I suppose it's okay every now and again."
"Okay," Karl whispered with a gentle smile. The two stood beside the thermostat for another minute in silence, Sapnap seemingly trying to catch his breath from the sudden influx of emotions, and Karl sliding his hand down to caress Sapnap's knuckles with his thumb. Sapnap inhaled deeply, staring at their hands before his eyes flicked up to meet the grey ones before him. He nodded subtly. "Ready to go clean the damn filter?"
"Yeah," Sapnap said, nodding again - more confidently this time. "Yeah, let's do it."
.~*~.
In all honesty, once Karl had left his house after they'd fixed the AC (the note had been right, all they needed to do was clean that damn filter), Sapnap truly expected to never really see him again.
He assumed that Karl was just the beginning point of his journey towards healing, the kickstarter. He assumed he was supposed to do the rest on his own. How could some...acquaintance...like Karl really help him grieve his own loss?
Over the past year, he'd learnt not to expect anything from other people, so he went about his life as if nothing had happened. He felt a little less numb as the cool air flowed through his house again, as he held his mother's note close to his heart. Karl pushed him to start the process. It was left to him to continue it.
So, you could imagine his surprise when roughly 8 days later, bright and early on a Thursday morning, the doorbell rang.
He called out to his father, asking if he'd expected any packages. He received a sharp “no,” and as he began to make his way to the front door, he called out to his little sister, Neoma, but the 11-year-old wasn't expecting any friends over.
Sapnap sighed as he opened the front door , preparing to tell whatever Jehovah's Witnesses that were at his door to fuck off, only to stop short at the sight of Karl, beaming with a bright, excited smile on his pretty face.
"Karl," Sapnap gaped, a mixture of surprise and relief mingling and fizzing in his veins. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I realised I never gave you my number or set up another time to see you so we can continue with your 'journey of healing.' I figured I'd try my luck and stop by to see if you were free," Karl said, bouncing on his heels. "I'm sorry it took so long, both my brother and sister got ill and I had to help my mom take care of them and then I also had to go to work, it's been a bit of a hectic week."
"It's okay," Sapnap said, waving his hand dismissively. "You- You didn't have to come back. You gave me the push to start working through my grief, I can do the rest on my own. Don't feel, like, obligated-"
"Obligated? I don't feel obligated, silly, I want to help you," Karl said, rolling his eyes playfully. "And as long as you keep letting me, I'm going to keep helping you until you feel like you can grieve properly."
"What if I never reach that point?" Sapnap asked apprehensively.
"You will," Karl said confidently. "But, say, hypothetically, I would never just stop helping. You're stuck with me now, Sappy."
"Sap, who was at the door?" Neoma called from her room upstairs. Sapnap winced as the sound of her boombox echoed throughout the house. He missed his mother so much, especially when she would yell at Neoma to keep her music down.
"Just a friend of mine, Neo!" Sapnap called back, cheeks flushing as Karl tilted his head in curiosity. There was a pause before the sound of a door clicking shut at the sudden blasting of music quietened down exponentially. "Sorry, that's my little sister, Neoma, she's currently in her angsty emo phase of grieving."
"It's okay," Karl said, shrugging his shoulders. "My older sister, Corry, she was like fifteen when my dad died, she had the same phase. I get it."
"Mm," Sapnap hummed in acknowledgement. "Karl, you know you really don't have to do this-"
"Hush," Karl said, rolling his eyes as he pushed past Sapnap to actually get into the house. Sapnap sighed softly, shutting the door behind him as he watched Karl walk further down the corridor. "Come on, Sapnap, we're upping the intensity a little today. What's something you haven't done in a while, something maybe basic but important - something she would do for you for example?"
"Uh-"
"She used to cut his hair." Both boys jumped at the sudden high female voice in the room, turning to see a short brunette girl walking down the stairs in Hello Kitty pajamas that she insisted she bought as a joke (Sapnap knew she secretly still loved that cartoon cat). "Momma used to cut his hair. Now she's gone and he wears that stupid hat."
"Neo!" Sapnap hissed, flicking the side of her head. She squeaked in pain. "You're not allowed to call the hat stupid, you know that, idiot. Anyway, Karl, this is my sister, Neoma. Neoma, this is my new friend Karl."
"Hi, Karl," Neoma said, waving happily. "Anyway, can we go back to Momma cutting your hair?"
"I'm not asking Karl to cut my hair or whatever you're suggesting here, Neoma, come on," Sapnap said, lightly shoving her shoulder. "Now, get outta here, go eat something or whatever."
Neoma huffed but stalked off towards the kitchen with one final wave to Karl, who smiled brightly back at her. Once the young girl was out of the room, Karl turned back to Sapnap, an excited expression burgeoning on his face. "She seems like a sweet kid."
"Sweet and insane," Sapnap said, rolling his eyes before leading Karl into the living room. "Um, she's right though. My mom used to cut my hair. I haven't really cut it since she… I mean, that's why I wear the hat."
"Hmm," Karl hummed, tilting his head. He reached a hand out, fingers tangling in the little hair horns sticking out from under Sapnap's hat. It was sudden - the burst of butterflies in his stomach - the rush of affection coupled with it almost knocked him off his feet. "I could do it."
"What?" Sapnap mumbled, eyes fixed on the length of Karl's arm extended towards him. "What could you do?"
"Cut your hair," Karl said, tilting his head as he rubbed his chin - undoubtedly planning what criminally bad haircuts he could give Sapnap. "I've been cutting my little brother's since my dad died. It's really no big deal. I think it'd be a good step for you, Sap."
Sapnap hesitated for a second, eyes flicking from Karl's arm to his pretty face, before he nodded slowly, a nervous smile tugging at the corner of his slightly chapped lips. "You mess my hair up, Jacobs, and I'll never speak to you again."
"I promise, Sap, you will look gorgeous once I'm done with you," Karl said, smiling back in that bright way that Sapnap had discovered was beginning to make him feel a way that he’d never really felt before. Karl's eyes trailed over Sapnap's face before his hand reached out towards Sapnap's, delicate fingers, intertwining with rougher ones. With a reassuring squeeze, Karl led Sapnap to the bathroom that resided on the bottom floor of Sapnap's home before letting go and gesturing to the counter. "Hop up onto that for me, will you?"
"Mhmm," Sapnap hummed, pushing himself to be seated on the counter. Karl began to rummage around in the medical cabinets and drawers until he found a towel, a pair of scissors, and an empty spray bottle. The objects made a soft thudding noise as Karl set them down beside Sapnap, and he turned his focus onto said boy. "I'm nervous. Is that weird?"
"Perfectly normal," Karl said, smiling as he titled his head ever so slightly. "After all, you are about to let essentially a stranger chop away at your hair, which is something you've only ever let your mother do before."
"You're not a stranger," Sapnap said with a soft scoff. "Be for real, Karl."
"I'm not?" Karl asked, head tilting further as he grabbed the spray bottle and filled it up with water from the sink tap.
"Of course not," Sapnap said. Karl could practically hear the eye roll. "We're friends."
Karl hummed softly in acknowledgement as he screwed the spray bottle shut again and grabbed the towel. He draped the fluffy thing around Sapnap's shoulder, watching with an adoring smile as Sapnap snuggled into it slightly, pulling it tighter around himself. His bottom lip rolled in between his teeth involuntarily as Karl let his hand smooth up the towel, over the nape of Sapnap's neck, and gently over his jaw and cheekbones before he reached the hat that sat atop the mess of dark brown curls. A soft, calm sigh left Sapnap's body as Karl pulled the hat off and dragged his hand through his hair, untangling it ever so gently. "Friends."
Sapnap's brain had pretty much short-circuited as Karl's hand kept brushing through his hair, so much so that he didn't have nearly the amount of brain power needed to decipher the tone of the hushed word Karl whispered between them. It was intimate, so different from the way his mother had done it. She had done it with motherly affection and comfort, warmth radiating from the very pads of her fingertips. Karl's touch was colder, but in a good way, almost refreshing and electrifying - it felt like so much more than it should've been.
And then the hand was gone.
Karl reached for the spray bottle, spritzing Sapnap in the face lightheartedly. The moment broke and soft chuckles erupted between the two, an odd sense of relief flushing through the air.
The haircut continued in near silence, only a few quiet questions in between the soft snips of the scissors, answers and instructions passed between the two. Karl kept his eyes and hands glued to Sapnap's hair whilst Sapnap's eyes flitted all over Karl's face (often lingering on his lips - though he'd never admit that to himself) His hands eventually found themselves on Karl's waist, keeping the boy stable whenever he had to stretch to reach a different section of Sapnap's head.
After roughly an hour, Karl had finally finished Sapnap's haircut and ran his hands through it again, styling it in a particular way before gesturing for the boy to hop off the counter. Sapnap did as he was told before turning to look at himself in the mirror. His hair looked better than it had in months.
"Wow." A voice broke them out of their mutual silence, and both boys looked over to see Neoma standing at the door, a bag of chips dangling from one hand and her phone from the other. "You actually look decent for once."
"You like it?" Sapnap asked, a smile pulling at his lips again - more prominently than before.
"You look good, Karl did a good job." Karl smiled brightly, pride rushing through him as Sapnap and his sister shared a look before Neoma decided she'd been too nice to her older brother for too long. "You're still a loser, though."
All Sapnap could do was chuckle as his sister spun on her heel and stalked off again. He turned back to Karl, who was watching him with the world's fondest look.
For the first time in months, Sapnap felt okay.
.~*~.
Over the next few weeks, Karl came around more and more often.
Over the next few weeks, Sapnap found himself coming out from the other side of his grief, feeling more alive again.
Karl came over on the fourth of July, taking Sapnap to the local park and watching the fireworks with him as they wished on the moon. He helped Sapnap bake a cake for his father's birthday a few days later. He even took Sapnap and his sister to the local sunflower field for a picnic halfway through the summer holidays, as was tradition.
He handled each occasion with care, showing Sapnap (and his sister, too, when she would join them) that it was okay to do these things to remember his mother and that it wasn't forgetting her or replacing her - it was simply carrying on those good memories.
And each time Sapnap fell a little more in love with him.
It took him time to allow himself to accept that that was what he was feeling. That it wasn't extreme gratefulness, it wasn't platonic, it wasn't anything besides love . And then he had to work through the guilt it made him feel, like he was leaving his mother behind if he let himself allow another person into his life to love.
But then, Karl held his hand, and Sapnap forgot all about that.
Everytime he opened the door to see Karl's smiling face, it was like he could finally breathe again, like the light had returned, the air to his lungs, the oxygen to his blood, the beat of his heart.
So, when Karl showed up on his door stop, two days until the end of the summer holidays and announced that he believed it was time for Sapnap to visit his mother's grave - for the first time since the funeral - Sapnap simply nodded and trusted him fully.
Karl had everything prepared when they arrived: a picnic blanket set out in front of the grave, a new bouquet of flowers resting against the headstone, and finally, the basket Karl carried with him made sense.
The fluffy-haired boy led Sapnap over to the grave slowly before gently nudging him to sit down in front of the head stone, parallel to the engraved words. Sapnap hesitated, taking a deep breath before he sat down, his throat already tightening as he read his mother's name in large letters.
"I'm going over to the cafe to get us drinks," Karl whispered, gentle hands squeezing Sapnap's shoulders reassuringly. "Tell her everything on your mind, Sap, I promise it'll help. It'll be okay."
Sapnap looked up, blinking away the tears that had already begun forming. God, was this really going to be the first time he cried? "Thank you."
"Don't thank me, silly." Karl rolled his eyes before pausing for a second to lean down. Without another moment's hesitation, the boy pressed a soft kiss to Sapnap's cheekbone, closer to the corner of his eyes than anything before straightening back up again. "I'll be back in a minute."
Sapnap watched him walk away before turning back to the grey headstone, taking a deep breath and beginning to talk.
"Hi, Mama," he whispered, voice wavering slightly. "I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to come see you. I just- I couldn't, you know? It made it too real, made me realise that you really aren't coming back. It was all too much, I mean how was I supposed to accept that my mommy was just gone? That I was never going to see her again? See you again?"
He took another deep breath, pulling his hat off and dragging a hand through his hair. "Karl's been helping me though, Mama, so you don't have to worry. He's been helping all of us, really. Neo loves him, Dad likes him - I think - or at least he likes that someone is there for me, he likes that I'm okay with him. And I- I love him too, I think. No, I know. He's- He's been here for me for, like, two months now. He cut my hair, helped me fix the AC, he even set all this up for you - bought you your favourite flowers and everything. You would've loved him, Mom."
The first tear fell, hitting the blanket below him and splotching it a darker colour. "I miss you so much, Mommy, I miss you. And- And for a long time I didn't know how I was going to survive without you - if I was going to survive without you - and I'm so sorry that I had thoughts like that. I just- I just- I wasn't okay and I wanted to be with you again. But now - now I am okay, I really am. Or at least I will be. I have Karl and I have Neoma and I have Dad. I think I'll bring Neo next week, I think it could do us some good. We can tell you about our first week back or something. Just the three of us. It'll be nice."
The tears fell harder, sobs racking his shoulders. "I love you, Mama, I love you and I miss you but I'm okay and if you're hanging around to watch over me, you can move on. You can be at peace because I'll be okay and I love you and I'll always miss you. But I will be okay. We'll be okay. You can rest, Mommy. I love you."
His voice cracked on the last word and the ability to talk left him as he cried harder than he ever had in his life, as months worth of guilt, grief and pain rolled over him in tsunami-like waves. Soft footsteps padded behind him, and suddenly warm arms enveloped him into a comforting embrace.
Sapnap melted into Karl's arms, sobbing into his shirt and clutching onto him for dear life as Karl whispered sweet nothings into his ear. Soft whispers of, "It's okay, Sap, it's okay, I've got you," and "Let it out, it's alright, you're alright, gorgeous."
Slowly, Sapnap's sobs quietened and he calmed down, the warmth of Karl's lips pressing to the top of his head and spreading through him like a soft blanket and hot chocolate on a cold winter's night. Soft and warm and comforting and so, so safe.
They spent the next few hours at grave, telling Sapnap's mother little stories from their adventures over the past few months. Sapnap told Karl baby stories he knew his mother would've loved to tell him and every single update on Neoma he could think of was rattled off with ease and happiness.
By the time the sun began to set and they began to pack up, Sapnap felt lighter than he had ever felt before. He felt like a real human again.
Karl walked him back to his house, their hands intertwined the whole way. No words were spoken, they didn't need to be, they simply basked in each other's presence and that was all they needed.
As they reached Sapnap's door, Sapnap tugged Karl so that they stood face to face, his grip tightening in his hand. "Thank you so much, Karl."
"I already told you, don't thank me, idiot," Karl said, rolling his eyes.
"No, I need to" Sapnap said, shaking his head. "If it wasn't for you, I don't think I would've gone down a good path in life. If- If it wasn't for you, I don't think I ever would've gone to her grave or done any of the things we've done together ever again. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have let myself love again."
Karl's breath hitched in the back of his throat, his other hand dropping the empty picnic basket and blanket onto the floor with a thud. "Do you- Do you mean it? What I think you're saying?"
"You are amazing, Karl Jacobs," Sapnap whispered, his free hand moving to hold Karl's waist and pull him closer. "And I don't know what I would've done without you over these past few months. I think I've fallen in love with you and maybe it's a little fast, but- But I know how I feel and you don't have to say it back but I just had to tell you before the summer was over-"
"Kiss me," Karl cut off Sapnap abruptly, cupping Sapnap's jaw. "Kiss me, Nick. I'm- I'm in love with you too, please, please, kiss me-"
Quickly, Sapnap pressed his lips against Karl's, cutting off the brunet's begs as he melted into the kiss immediately. Sapnap smiled, his hand coming up from where they rested on the grey-eyed boy's waist to instead cup his cheek and deepen the kiss. It was tender and warmer than anything Sapnap had ever felt, it was different to any other love he'd ever felt before - God, it was so perfectly Karl , so soft and so full of love, of fulfilled promises and eternal happiness.
Karl smiled brightly as Sapnap reluctantly pulled away, chasing after his lips as he used their joined hands to pull the hazel-eyed boy even closer and kiss him even more intently.
They kissed and giggled and loved and it was perfect.
For the first time in months, Sapnap's brain was calm and empty, only the word 'Karl' running circles through his thoughts.
For the first time in months, he let himself really, truly feel again.
For the first time in months, he knew he was genuinely going to be okay.
For the first time in months, he finally felt at peace.