Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jaiden's feathers stood on end from the tension in the garden. It was so nice in Eden compared to Hell, and she hadn't thought that encouraging Eve to get a taste of knowledge would have caused this. 

She slithered her way up the Eastern wall. She was intrigued by the sight of the angel, since the humans that he was supposed to be guarding had left. His wings were puffed up, similar to her feathers on her scaly serpent form, and he stepped side to side occasionally.

The angel stared out to the desert as she slipped onto the wall and morphed from her serpentine form to a more humanoid appearance. Roughly more humanoid, save for her charcoal wings and violently purple eyes.

"Hi!" she said. She inwardly cringed at the volume in the face of the situation.

"Hello," he arched a brow, "Have you come to boast about what you've done to these poor humans?" 

"What?" What an awful first impression, "You're the one who kicked them out!" She hadn't known that that would've happened. "If you didn't want them to eat it, then you should have put it somewhere else! Not in the middle of a garden!"

"You can't question these things, demon. It's part of the Ineffable Plan ," he gestured grandly, though she suspected that her blank reaction fell flat of his expectations. She just rolled her eyes at the mention of Godly activities.

"It's for their own good," he continued, "Well, it must be. If it is what She wishes." Blah.

"You, on the other hand, are the spawn of Hell. Everything you do causes misfortune." Of course. "Respectfully," he added, as if a corporate businessman. 

"It wasn't on purpose," she muttered, scuffing the brick with her bare feet. Her feathers had puffed up in response to the electricity in the air. Something was coming. The horizon was dark, something that she hadn't seen on Earth before. 

"Oh…" he trailed off. He moved his gaze to the horizon as well. 

He was just like how she remembered angels being like. Parroting their superiors and the Voice of God. Hell wasn't better, objectively, but she preferred the looser structure and anger versus the uptight hierarchy and poorly concealed disappointment. Jaiden hadn't meant to fall, but good ol' Lucy had had some good ideas. This angel was a good reminder.

A loud cacophony echoed throughout the desert, bringing Jaiden and the angel to attention. She had no time to react before falling water swept through the desert and doused them both. Her brain reminded her of the memory of the creation of rain, but her heart said holy water.

But a shadow fell over her, and the downpour lessened. She looks widely at the angel. He had stepped closer, much closer, and had lifted one of his pristine wings over her to protect her from the rain.

"My name is Roier," and he wasn't looking at her, but his face looked less troubled than before. 

"I'm Jaiden," she grinned to herself. Off in the distance are figures, the humans, of course, lit up by something. She remembered something she saw earlier.

"You had a sword, didn't you? Where is it? Are you hiding it in your robes there?" she giggled. 

He stiffened a little bit to her amusement, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"A big gladius! About yea big, maybe completely covered in fire?"
He shuffled a bit, frowning to himself and looking at the humans. "I had to. Look at them, they're shivering even now. Eve is pregnant!

She had suspected, but enjoyed prodding him, "You gave it away! Wow! How'd She react to that!"

"She doesn't have to know," he mumbled out the side of his mouth. Jaiden snorted and clapped him on the shoulder, to which he flinched. 

"Sorry," not sorry at all, "I'm a demon, it's just that—" she cut herself off, grinning.

And maybe Roier smiled in her company, but she respected the angel's pride for now. 

That had been one dark and stormy night. This night was not as such. 

Despite the dread growing in her, which was not unusual for these meetings, she appreciated the cool night air. Slightly damp, but pleasantly so. She might have cut through a field to avoid traffic, but no one had noticed, she believed. 

Her headlights illuminated the cemetery as she pulled up to the abandoned area. Mostly abandoned. In the day, cemeteries like these were beautiful. The stones would be covered in moss, and intricate brambles would be tangled in the iron fencing, and the whole place would smell like dust and bones. 

This cemetery wasn't abandoned, as her headlights also lit up two figures standing at the edge of the forest. One was very humanoid, the other was not, and much easier to recognize. 

"All hail Satan," Slimecicle said to her as she exited the car and approached them. " Squelch ," Gegg echoed. 

"Uh, all hail Satan, yeah," she waved to the goopy amalgamation, who nodded his sludgy face back.

Slimecicle and Gegg never went anywhere without each other, and Jaiden wasn't sure which one was more in control. They were always standing in the same puddle of ooze, so she suspected that they were one and the same in some shape or form.

"How're you gooin— doing, Jaiden? Done anything nefarious lately? Any evil or diabolical deeds?" Ugh, this awful 'Deeds of the Day' stuff. Everytime she met with any demon, they did this shit. She was glad that she didn't have to endure this everyday in Hell.

"Gegg and I have been getting up to some absolutely despicable activities. We tempted this one guy to invite all of his family to his haunted cabin—not haunted, his normal cabin, and you know what we did? Gegg, tell her what we made him do."

" Squelch, squirrch phbtb."

Slimecicle laughed, "It was great!"

"Oh. Good job? Well, today, I brought down all of the servers of an online streaming service." It was an accident, as most of her deeds were. But it had definitely made millions of people wrathful.

Slimecicle and Gegg stared at her, not understanding. Gegg never actually exhibited emotion, he just had some cracked glasses stuck into his featureless face. 

"You mean like fishing?" As terrible as she was with technology, Hell residents were worse.

"Something like that. It was good—er, bad, I promise," Jaiden grimaced.

" Scurtch ." 

"Yes, thank you, Gegg. We have sludge—something for you, Jaiden."

"Oh?" Slimecicle reached behind himself to grab a basket that was just out of reach of his slime puddle. 

Her heart dropped. The basket was closed, but it emanated the demonic power of the deepest, darkest pits of Hell. 

"This soon?"

"Yes," the slime demon smiled maliciously.

"And I have to…"

" Blrbsh ."

Jaiden took the basket gingerly. 

"Right. What exactly am I supposed to do with it?"

"Don't you worry about that, you'll find out." How ominous. 

"Why the long face? I'd say it's about slime for a little excitement," Slimecicle said. Gegg jiggled strangely, almost like a shimmy.

"Of course, of course. And I am so excited for another war!" She gushed groundlessly. 

" Slujujuju ," Gegg laughed.

"Yeah! If that's everything then I'll be going now. See you later!" Jaiden not-so-inconspicuously held the basket far from her as she speed-walked away from the slime demons in the cemetery.

"Goo-bye," she heard from behind her.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Jaiden slipped the basket in the passenger side and reversed the hell out of the cemetery.

It's only been six thousand years and now the greater forces of the universe wanted to end Earth. And now Jaiden was speeding through the forest, listening to a fast-paced vocaloid cover that did not help her nerves. The fucking Antichrist was in the seat next to her. That was not okay. 

"It had to be me. Of course. I know Earth the best, give me the baby, I know what to do with a child! I won't fuck this up!"
A thin cry rose over her panicking from the seat next to her and she jolted, "Shit!"

"Shushushush, it's okay little Antichrist!"

She groaned agonizingly, "What am I supposed to do?!"

"Well, I'm glad you asked," Hatsune Miku from her stereo said, "You'll do a fantastic job, Jaiden, just listen closely." 

Plans and intentions flashed in her mind. She always hated this part, the direct implantation of the orders in her mind. It always made her black out. 

Something to do with babies and a convent. When her vision cleared, she was met with a blaring horn and high beams that she screamed at, swerving harshly. 

The crying was more consistent now. Jaiden pulled over once she had steadied the car and leaned over the center console to finally open the basket.

It looked normal. They looked normal. There was nothing demonic or satanic about the Antichrist's appearance at all, but the vibes they were giving off were all bad.

She cooed at them and put a finger in their grasping, spit-soaked hands which she winced at, "It's okay, it's okay. Sorry about all the, you know, turning. Trying not to get in a car crash with the son of Satan. I don't want to know what would happen to me if I did that." 

Although, briefly, as she looked at their wrinkly face, she envisioned herself taking the basket to the nearest cliff and letting it sail into the waves. And then she envisioned Hell pulling her down and torturing her for the rest of eternity.

The Antichrist, the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of this World, father of lies, Spawn of Satan, Lord of Darkness, opened its wet eyes and gurgled.