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His father told him once, back when Pat was eight, that it was his job to take care of his sister and protect her.
As they grew older, he attempted to play the part of protective big brother, but Pa quickly dismissed him.
Eventually, he realized how silly his dad had been. If anything, Pa was the one who looked after him. She gave him the best advice, kept Pat in check when he made mistakes, and cheered for him the loudest at any given chance.
His sister didn’t really need him for anything, yet she still wanted him around, which was so much better, Pat thought.
He never told his dad any of this, of course. Ming wouldn’t understand, and Pat had been scared his dad would think he was weak for needing his little sister so much.
Pa just knew how to pull Pat out of his own head. She wasn’t scared to tell him off or slap him on the head when he was being stupid.
He would never admit to it, but Pat would always be grateful for the fact that Pa saw him exactly for what he was and still decided she’d never leave him anyway.
So, it really shouldn’t have been such a surprise that she had the unique ability to get just about any information out of him.
“I’m telling dad tomorrow night at dinner,” Pat said, eyes on the road, hands tightening around the wheel.
It was a Friday night, and the Jindapat siblings had gone on one of their signature late-night drives, blasting their favorite songs with the windows down.
Pran and Ink were back at his sister’s apartment, asleep after their movie marathon, but Pat had been too restless to allow sleep to take over, and Pa picked-up on it quickly.
She had untangled herself from Ink carefully, dropping a kiss on her girlfriend’s hair, before standing up and striding through the living room to pick up Pat’s car keys.
She threw them on his chest, crossing her arms over her chest, and said, “Come on, let’s go on a drive.”
Pat got up immediately, careful not to wake his boyfriend up. He didn’t have the faintest idea how Pa had managed to read him so easily, but he was nonetheless grateful his sister provided him with an outlet for his nervous energy.
Now, he was staring ahead at the road, listening as his sister shifted in her seat, turning to face him.
“Did you talk to Pran already?”
Of course, she knew exactly what he intended to tell Ming.
It had been like that when he had decided to quit their family business to pursue a job in a sustainable construction firm just a year ago. Pa hadn’t even batted an eye, just telling him not to waste any more time trying to please their father.
“Yes,” Pat replied, bringing himself back to the present, “he said I didn’t have to, that I don’t own him anything, but I want to. I need to tell him that we’re together, loud and clear.”
Pa hummed, signaling she was in agreement.
“It’s just… I see how Pran’s parents are making an effort. They made mistakes, too, but at least they’re trying to do better. Dissaya even came over for dinner a couple of times and showed me Pran’s baby photos,” he said, shaking his head in disbelief.
“If she can do that, even after how badly she was hurt, why can’t Dad at least acknowledge me and Pran?” He hated how his voice trembled like a little kid’s when he spat the words out.
Pa laid a hand on his knee, squeezing it in quiet support, giving him the space to let it all out.
“Pran has been back home for a year. We’ve been living together all this time. There’s no way he doesn’t know. But he still doesn’t say a word. I have to keep running circles around him, calling Pran a ‘friend’, as if he’s something to be ashamed of.”
Pat’s breath caught in his throat, and he felt tears starting to cloud his vision. He brushed them away impatiently with his forearm.
“If he won’t do it on his own, then I will. It’s the only way I’ll stop feeling like I’m splitting myself in half.”
To his own surprise, his voice came out hoarse and broken halfway through his sentences, and he had to take a deep breath to steady himself.
Pa, who had been quiet up until that moment, said, “Pull over, let me drive for awhile.”
Pat obeyed, quickly changing places with his sister. He took the opportunity to dry away the stubborn tears streaming down his cheeks as Pa took over the wheel.
She pulled the driver’s seat forward, complaining over her breath, “You always pull it so far away from the wheel.”
“That’s because I’m not pocket-sized like you,” he immediately teased back, barely dodging the punch Pa tried to land on his shoulder.
She started driving again, turning the radio down as Pat stared out the window in quiet contemplation.
“I think it’s a good thing, Hia,” she added after a while. “It’s an open secret at this point, but a secret, nonetheless. It’s the last thing you’re still doing for his comfort. It used to be so many different things before: competing with Pran, playing Rugby, working at the store.”
Pat had never stopped to think of it that way. The notions of love and duty had always merged together in their family, their lines so blurred that it was easy to mistake guilt for loyalty, obedience for respect.
He didn’t even realize that was why this whole situation bothered him so deeply until Pa said it out loud.
He was sad and hurt, but, most of all, Pat was tired. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life tearing himself apart to appease Ming.
“I think that’s why you are so keyed up about telling him. It’s officially the end of the last buffer between you and him. From then on, everything will be out in the open. He won’t be able to ignore the mistakes he made or his past, and neither will you. That’s scary.”
Pat laid against the headrest, deep in thought. “It’s terrifying. And so fucking stupid. I’m an adult. I pay my own bills, I have my own home, I only see him a few times a month, and yet, I sometimes feel like a little kid about to get scolded when he looks me up and down, like I’m a—”
“Very disgusting piece of gum glued to his shoe?” Pa offered cheerfully.
Pat laughed meekly, rolling his eyes. “More or less.”
“I get it,” Pa conceded, sounding more serious. “I used to get jealous, back when we were kids, because dad always gave you so much attention.” Pat widened his eyes, not believing what he just heard. “After I got older, I realized it wasn’t that good to be his focus. You were held to such a high standard that the moment you stepped out of the line he drew, he came crashing down on you. And on Pran, in a way.”
He nodded, even though Pa couldn’t really see him. She seemed to know he agreed, either way. Pat stared at his sister as she stopped at a red light, turning to face him.
“It’s okay to be scared. After everything you’ve been through with dad, who wouldn’t be?”
Pat felt more sobs threatening to spill, so he bit his lip and threw his arms around Pa, hugging her so tightly she had to tap him on the shoulder to let her breathe again.
“I’ll come with you, okay?” Pa said once he let her go, squeezing his hand.
“You’ll tell him exactly what Pran means to you, and he’ll finally understand it. Or maybe he won’t,” she shrugged.
Pa reached over to brush some of the tears off his face, her touch soothing and familiar.
“Either way, we’ll do it together.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he nodded, smiling at her.
The traffic light turned green, and Pa brushed her thumb over his cheek in a gentle caress before turning to face the road again.
“Put your seatbelt on,” she ordered, clicking her tongue. “I don’t want you flying off if we crash. Pran would be too sad.”
He released an outraged gasp as he clicked his seatbelt on properly. “Just Pran?”
“I suppose Ma would miss you too,” she conceded, after pretending to think it through for a moment.
“You’re so mean to me!” He whined, pulling on her arm.
She pushed him off and gave him the middle finger, all without taking her eyes off the highway.
God, he loved her more than life itself.