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Tommy was getting a bit tired of this stupid routine. In his opinion, it was all pointless in the end. ‘The end’ referring of course to his death.
His days since Dream had beat him dead and then revived him for shits and giggles go a little something like this: wake up, smoke, try to eat something so he doesn’t die of starvation, smoke (sometimes something a little stronger), occasionally visit Tubbo, Ranboo, and Michael at there pretentious ass house, stay as long as he can before he feels an overwhelming urge to claw at his skin (both because of the need for a cigarette and the pure love that seems to ooze from the two older boys. He doesn’t deserve it), go home, smoke, attempt to sleep.
So he’s doing absolutely great, thank you very much. The surfaces of his stupid, bug infested, dirt home (is it truly even a home?) only slightly smell like smoke and death. He’s probably only slightly damaged his lungs from the death sticks he can’t seem to stop inhaling. But why should his lungs health matter when he’ll be dead in the next 24 hours.
You see, Tommy was tired. It feels like since the day he was born he’s been running non-stop. The fact that he’s finally allowed to stop just feels wrong. It makes him firmly jealous of Tubbo and Ranboo. How horrible is that? Stupid Tommy filled with stupid jealousy because his friends (were they even friends anymore?) were finally happy and had time to enjoy their lives. But he misses them. Oh how he misses them deeply. But no matter how much they swear he’s always welcome, he knows deep down he’s just an intruder in their perfect happy lives.
Hence why he’s heading over to the Beloved-Underscore house right now. He won’t be alive for much longer. He’ll finally be out of their way. He’s currently smoking his way through one of his last packs of cigs. He used to be worried about the smell, but why should he worry anymore. This is goodbye after all. He’s freezing in his thin cardigan as he walks but he can hardly feel it.
After a while he finally sees the house. Hell, it’s hard to miss their beautiful mansion. Tommy quickly snobs out the cigarette on the bottom of his torn up shoes before walking up to the tall, beautiful carved front door. He knocks 3 times and waits to see if the family is home or if they are feeling up to letting him in. Maybe they’ll just leave him to die of hypothermia, staring at the intricately carved door. Again why put so much effort into a door-
“Oh hello again Tommy,” Ranboo answers in all his lanky glory. Tommy finally snaps out of it and looks up into Ranboo’s eyes. He used to be nervous to do that, with how much the Ender man hybrid famously hates eye contact. Hell, he used to go out of his way to avoid it until one night.
‘Tommy did I do something wrong?’ Ranboo had asked with concern etched on his face (stop you don’t actually care-). ‘Huh? No of course not big man. Why would you think that?’ Tommy said, still not meeting the tall boy’s eyes. ‘It’s just that you never look me into the eyes.’ Ranboo said with hesitation. ‘I thought you hated eye contact?’ He replied. ‘Well yes with people I’m not close with Tommy. I’m fine with you and Tubbo looking into my eyes because I care about you two.’ Ranboo had said before seating himself next to Tommy, putting his hand on the blond boys hands folded in his lap. And god, did that make him want to cry. The touch burned so fucking bad yet felt so nice.
So he always looks Ranboo in the eyes now.
“Why don’t you come in Toms. Tubbo is making hot cocoa while Michael is down early for the night. He tired himself out running around all day.” Ranboo said with a faint smile, ushering the shorter boy inside. Tommy didn’t miss the nickname. Nobody used to call him Toms since Wilbur. Recently however, he had noticed Ranboo and eventually Tubbo had started calling him that. Toms. It made him want to cry while it also made his heart melt and pound with love. But he shouldn’t. It’s all fucking fake.
When he finally walked into the kitchen, he was met by the sight of Tubbo stirring a pot on the stove. When the goat hybrid heard the footsteps walking into the kitchen, he immediately turned around as a smile spread across his face.
“Oh hi Tommy. What brings you around today? Something wrong?” Tubbo replied, setting the spoon down from the stove and walking across the kitchen to the 2 other boys. While Ranboo walked to the stove to pour the cocoa in the cups, Tubbo lightly head butted Tommy’s shoulder. He stopped briefly before looking into the blond teens eyes and asking “What’s up with the smell man? You smell god awful. Have you started smoking weed again?” Tubbo asked. “Nope. I haven’t smoked any fucking weed today big man” Tommy replied swiftly. And that wasn’t entirely a lie. He hadn’t been smoking weed or some shit. It was only cigarettes today. Tubbo narrowed his eyes at him before seemingly deciding to drop it.
“Well come sit down big man.” Tubbo said, leading him over to a coach. The 2 sit down and only a few moments later Ranboo comes in with the hot cocoas. Ranboo finally sits down after passing out the sugary drinks. “So? What’s up Toms?” There Tubbo goes with that stupid nickname. God why did Ranboo have to start calling him that? (He loves it). “Well,” Tommy starts hesitantly pulling out what looked to be 2 letters and a larger box. “I have these gifts for you. But there is something very important you must do. Please only open them tonight, yeah? Just trust me, it’s important that you do that. Ok?” Tommy says. “I mean- ok? But why Tommy? What’s going on? Something’s bothering you and you aren’t telling us.” Tubbo says with certainty. “Tubbo! Don’t just say that without warning! But he is right Tommy. Something’s wrong and I have a bad feeling. Is everything ok Toms?” Ranboo says hesitantly.
And wow Tommy wanted to spill. He wanted to cry and scream and throw a tantrum. He wanted to yell at Tubbo for moving on so quick and at Ranboo for being so much better at everything compared to him. But he won’t. That would ruin the plan and he spent far too long waiting for it to not happen just because of some childish emotions. “Of course everything is ok. I promise nothing is gonna happen. It’s just part of the surprise that you open it tonight.” Tommy says, you know, like a liar. The two boys didn’t seem to visibly believe him but dropped it. Tommy looks at his communicator to check the time. It’s almost 5:00 in the afternoon. Well, time to take his leave. Tommy stands up quickly and the other two seem to follow.
“Where are you going big man? You just got here,” Tubbo says almost blocking the door way into the hall. “Well, y’know. Places to be, people to see. But it was nice talking to you guys. I really do appreciate you.” Tommy says and WOW this is harder than he thought it would be. “Are you sure you can’t stay the night Toms? It’s snowing and you could get sick with only that thin cardigan.” Ranboo says with raw worry in his eyes. “Don’t you worry, I’m a quick walker. Maybe I can stay another night.” Tommy replies and Ranboo looks like he wants to disagree or something, but he doesn’t. Instead he walks over and gently hugs him. Tubbo comes over and joins as well. This was another new form of touch they always seemed to give out now. Usually Tommy would just stiffen up and let them hug him before they backed away, but tonight Tommy accepted the embrace and wrapped his own arms around the other boys. Tubbo makes a noise of surprise but doesn’t say anything.
Then Tommy turns where he stands and walks to the front door, opening it quickly before saying a quiet “Goodbye guys,” not even turning around. Tommy closed the door behind him, starting his walk home. There was nothing but raw, hurting emotions in the blond boys chest. But he couldn’t care anymore is the only thing he thought as he approached his dirty shack. The only thing on his mind being the blood he was about to spill. His own blood.
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Across the server two boys break the promise. They open the box only to find Mellohi and Cat. Arguably the most precious objects on the server. Along with that was a single, beautifully pressed aluminum in a glass frame. They two boys wasted no time opening the letters before dropping them and bolting out the door.
Because those were not letters. They were goodbyes. The ones you don’t say unless you are never returning.
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Tommy takes a drag of his final cigarette. The cigarette butts everywhere around him along with his bag of joints thrown to the side as he smokes one of his last pack. And when the final one of the box burns down the his finger tips, burning the already scared skin even more, Tommy knew he was ready.
So he grabbed the blade and held it to his wrists, cutting without a second thought with the skill of someone with experience of performing the action. He cuts deeply all up his already scared arms. The healed scars looked like wheat fields with how they overlapped so close together. He’s sure that if he scanned them at a grocery store, and item would pop up. (Sorry, sorry. The author copes with sadness through poetry and humor). So with multiple deep lines etched up and down both arms, the boy relaxes. He’s high off his ass, the blood keeps flowing out fast and Tommy can’t help but smile. He’s finally at peace. While he begins to feel drowsy and close his eyes, the last thing he sees is 2 figures rushing towards him.
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Despite what most seem to proclaim about coming back alive from a near death experience, he did not have a gentle wake up. He was in the void again. Just the black nothingness. He was floating along and, yea, it was a bit lonely, but it was peace.
And then he opened his eyes. It was bright outside from where he could tell in the bed. The bed at Tubbo and Ranboos house. In the room the two older boys made for him. And all Tommy could think was ‘Fuck. How am I gonna explain this one?’
His arms were wrapped all the way up in thick bandages. He could still taste the magic of healing and regen in his mouth. Overall he was rather uncomfortable, despite how soft and warm the bed is.
‘Well I should probably get out of here now. I already caused the two of them enough trouble as it was, making them heal me.’ The boy thought to himself. And with that thought in mind, he swung his legs off the bed and began to stumble towards the bedroom door with the grace of a newborn deer. Tommy found himself leaning against the wall, trying to let the dizziness pass him. ‘Well there’s the blood loss. Just fucking peachy.’
Now Tommy found himself walking down the halls of the mansion as quietly as he could, trying to remember the path to the front door. He was lucky the room Tubbo and Ranboo put him in (not his room. It shouldn’t be his room. He didn’t deserve it) was on the first floor. Now that he was making his way to the front door, he stopped when he heard murmuring from the kitchen. Quiet whispering from 3 people.
“I’m sorry baby but you can’t go see Mimi right now. He’s recovering from an injury and we want him to get better, right?” Tommy heard from Ranboo, gentle as always. “Bu’ I wanna go see him now.” Tommy heard from Michael. “I know Mikes but you’re just going to have to wait a bit. He’ll be better in no time. He’s safe.” He heard Tubbo say, but it sounded more like Tubbo was trying to reassure himself that. And that was painful and confusing. Tommy found that he couldn’t stand here and listen to this any longer. Tommy walked as quickly as he could to the front door before opening it not so quietly. “Hello! Who’s there?” The blond boy heard from Tubbo, but he didn’t care. He didn’t have time. And with a final glance back, the boy was off speed walking towards his last resort. The nether.
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And that’s how Tommy found himself in he nether. He just walked through the portal, but had to stop for a few minutes after going through. He couldn’t pass out. This was probably his last chance to finally die. So now Tommy was stumbling slowly towards the edge. Despite the overwhelming heat, Tommy had never felt more cold. When he made it to the edge, Tommy let himself have a moment before tipping forward and down. Tommy was smiling again.
…
At least until he felt two long arms wrap around him and yank him back up. And oh, that wasn’t fair. Tommy had been wanting to do this for years. And he failed again. Tommy wanted to cry and scream and punch. So he did. He cried and screamed and punched against his captors chest with all his might. It must have been pathetic to watch, but he wasn’t let go. No, when he finally tired himself out and slumped down he felt the figure lower the two of them to the ground and pull him into their lap. And with that he felt shaky, long finger card through his hair. The touch is still burning. Burning more than the lava or the ends of the cigarettes on his skin. Yet he can’t help but find himself pushing his head into the hand, craving it.
Ranboo finally lets out a long, shaky breath, mumbling quietly. There are tears coming out of the enderman’s eyes and Tommy wants nothing more than to wipe them away so the burns down his face don’t get worse. Tommy finds himself lifting a hand and gently brushing the enderman’s tears away. Now that just made Ranboo want to cry more, but he had to stay strong.
Ranboo gently placed one hand under the exhausted boys knees, and the other wrapped around his back. Ranboo gently got up, holding the boy in a bridal style sort of hold. The tall boy was holding on tight to Tommy. Both with the fear he’ll try to jump again, and with the relief that they finally got him back. And he’s coming home with him and Tubbo. No way were they letting Tommy leave after that. He can scream and push all he wants but in the end, Ranboo know what will happen if they let him go. Tommy will never come back. And they can’t have that.
So with long steps, the two make their way back to Snowchester. With Tommy tucked against Ranboo and the gentle sway of his walking, Tommy lets his eyes close one more.
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When Tommy woke up again, he had a feeling of déjà vu. He was in a bed again. In the older couples mansion. But this time, he wasn’t laying alone. For a certain shorter boy’s face was pressed into his back, while his head was tucked under a certain enderman’s head, the taller boys face buried in his curls. Tubbo had his arms wrapped around his waist. ‘So how am I going to get out of this one?’ Is all Tommy could think. Firstly he tried to get himself out from under Ranboo, but that just cause Tubbo’s arms to to tighten around Tommy from all the movement, and Tubbo was strong. But Tommy was known to be slippery. ‘Like a raccoon’ Wilbur used to say.
So with carful movements he slipped himself out. As soon as he got to his feet he made his way to the door. Gently, he opened it slowly to make sure as to not wake the two older boys. Tommy walked out of the bedroom and made his way over to the chest room with all the potions the couple own. After all, third times a charm right?
After opening the door, Tommy made his way over to the chest with potions. He opened it quickly and started digging. After a bit of searching he found the green bottle he was looking for. ‘Bingo’ Tommy thought slowly getting up, still drowsy. He had just uncorked it and put the bottle to his lips when he heard a voice behind him.
“Mimi?” Tommy stoped. He quickly put the cork back on the poison and hid it behind his back, turning so he could face Michael. He looked tiny in the doorway, clutching his stuffed chicken. And for what seemed like the 100th time, his heart broke. “Hey kiddo, what are you doing up?” Tommy had checked the time and it was far too late for the zombie piglin child to be awake. “I heard door an’ I saw you. I want’ to see you.” The child replied, making his way over to Tommy. Michael walked over and clung to Tommy. And Tommy broke.
He shoved the potion to the side, causing the glass bottle to break and poison to run everywhere before Tommy scooped up Michael. Tommy was crying hard at this point and Michael made a confused sound. Tommy looked down at him and whispered, “Don’t worry kid. Everything is ok.” God he wanted a cigarette. His hands were shaken and he knew a cig could stop it. “Wh-why don’t you go back to your room Mike? It’s far too late for you to be out of bed.” Tommy said, carrying Michael over to his room. He opened the door and walked over to the kids bed, placing Michael on it. He tucked the kid in gently before running a hand over the young child’s head. “Night Mimi” he mumbled. “Goodnight” Tommy said, making his way out the door, closing it softly.
Tommy walked over to where his shitty cardigan was hanging on the coat hanger by the front door (the couple must have grabbed it from his house, thank god) and reached into the pocket. He wished he had something stronger but a cigarette would do. He grabbed the lighter as well from the coat pocket before walking over to the door. He tried opening the door but it was locked? From the inside? Whatever. He was too tired for this.
He walked over to the kitchen and opened a small window. He couldn’t climb out of it sadly, but he doesn’t want to stink up the house. So he lights the cigarette, and smokes it leaning out the window. He just couldn’t stop thinking. Despite his relaxed posture his mind is going a million miles an hour. God he’s a mess. He’s such a failure he failed to kill himself 3 separate times how pathetic is that. He’s just confused why the two older boys keep insisting on saving him. He doesn’t want to be saved. With that he took a long drag before leaning his head back and letting the smoke slowly pour out of his mouth and lungs.
There was a crash and a shout of “TOMMY!” across the house hold. Ah. So now they’re looking for him. He finds he doesn’t care enough to reply or even turn around. He just continues smoking while looking out the window. He phased out a bit before being pulled back by a hand on his shoulder and the cigarette pulled from his mouth. He looked over to see Tubbo with his eyes narrowed but beneath that was relief. “Wa’ usin that big man.” Tommy said, blowing the rest of the smoke out from his lungs and mouth.
“As much as I’d love to talk about what the hell you were thinking these past couple days, it’s far too late for that.” Tubbo said walking over and looping his arms around Tommy’s waist. It was grounding in a way. They sat like that until Ranboo came over and put a hand around his shoulder, pulling him close. They sat like that for a while. Just staring outside before Ranboo muttered a quiet “You know we love you Toms.” And that startled Tommy. “You don’t have to lie anymore y’know? If you let me go I’ll be out of your hair.” And when he said that, the arms around his waist tightened and Ranboo inhaled a short breath. “I-it’s not a lie Tommy. We love you so much y’know. Theses past days have been rough but I can sincerely say without a doubt, we love you. And I don’t know what we’d do without you-“ Ranboo cuts himself off with a shuttering breath.
Tubbo takes that as his cue to continue. “He’s not wrong Tommy. We love you. We love having you over here and we’ll continue to keep you over here with us from now on for a while.” Tommy inhaled at that. “What?” “You don’t expect us to just let you go after this Toms. We could have lost you. Multiple times. And the smoking shit? Don’t think I didn’t see the weed and other stuff lying around your house when we found you the first time. Plus you’re so thin I can count your ribs Tommy. Addiction and suicide?” Tubbo then stops himself for a moment. Then he quietly adds, “And the scars on your arms Toms? The older ones? We can’t trust you to be alone.” By now Tubbo had backed away and Tommy felt ashamed almost like how a child felt being scolded by a parent. But this wasn’t because he had broke a vase. No this was because his friends didn’t want to let him go and that both hurt and felt in a sick way, good. They actually genuinely wanted him around?
Ranboo then takes both Tommy and Tubbo’s hands. He slowly drags the two of them back to their room. Ranboo gently lifts Tommy and tucks him right under his chin under the covers of the giant bed. Tubbo than comes and sticks his head on Tommy’s chest. It was reminiscent of their position not only an hour ago.
“We’ll get through this Tommy. I promise we are not going.” Ranboo said quietly. He then felt Tubbo very gently butt his forehead against Tommy’s chest. Almost as a way of saying ‘that’s right’.
And so the healing begins. There will be screaming and relapse and more attempts from him to leave this world, but he’s got his friends now to pull him into their arms. And maybe Tommy can also help the other two heal from their problems with his help as well. They’ll be ok. But for now, with Ranboo’s face in his hair and Tubbo arms around him, Tommy can rest.