Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

ethan sighs before opening the door into the hospital room. he looks at the sight infront of him.

elijah lays in the bed with wires connecting into his arm, hand, and nose; bandages all over his legs and arms and even some along his face.
ethan felt like throwing up at the sight. a sight that he could have prevented. a sight he could have stopped if he hadnt been so impulsive, or angry or stubborn.
no matter how much dani, or denis, or even jake try to tell him that he couldnt had done anything to prevent it, how it wasnt his fault. deep down he knows. he knows elijah wouldnt be in this situation if it werent for him.

dani had found elijah while walking in a park, trying to get home from work a “quicker” route (it turned out to take longer to get home that way).
he was very dazed, pale, and freaked the hell out. nearly had a panic attack when dani had tried to see him clearly enough. he passed out on the way to the hospital and has been asleep since then.
ethan had gotten the call from dani after and immediatley dropped everything to get there.

and here he was now, feeling sick to his stomach looking at the state his twin brother was in.
he sat in the chair next to the bed, complementing between talking to him, or giving him the letter. the letter he wrote before he went missing. his apology.
elijah wasnt able to read it before he had gone missing.

ethan sighs before opening the letter and clears his throat.
“hey.. i think this will be harder than i thought. all i want to do is read this to you, since i dont know when the next time ill be able to. or maybe i should wait? but.. i dont know if you can hear me, or will be able to even read it.”

he had thought he had the conversation in his head planned out, but not knowing elijah was even going to be concious sets a flaw into his plans.

ethan began to feel his eyes water, and began shaking; he closes his eyes and attempts to calms down but he knows once his emotions start to feel out of control, it takes a lot to get it back to normal.
he covers his ears tightly for a couple seconds and tries to relax himself and when hes finally able to, takes a breathe; he needs to say everything he wants to.

“elijah, i just want to say to you even if you cant hear me, or wont remember, that im sorry. i shouldnt have yelled and i should have been there. i should have DONE something, anything at all. you didnt deserve any of the shit you have gone through these months. i cant imagine the horror stories i am going to hear when you wake up. if you wake up.”

ethan felt tears threatening to fall, but quickly wiped them with the back of his hand.
he wishes he could say more or anything at all, to keep talking to him.
but he cant, its like an invisible wall is blocking any and all words from leaving.

he decides he will continue with everything he needs to say to elijah when elijah is concious; and when ethan doesnt feel like he is on the verge of being out of control in his own body.
he leaned his head back, and fell into sleep.

ethan had woken up later to the sound of murmering and conversation.
thinking it was just his friends, he didnt open his eyes yet. he opened his eyes quickly once he heard the laugh of elijah and his quiet response to denis: “thanks for the bananna bread man, i havent had normal food in ages!”

ethan looked at the sight around him; dani and denis were on the other side of elijah’s hospital bed, both friends looking tired but relieved to see elijah alive.
they all turned their heads to ethan, who was registering everything going on in his mind.

elijah was awake and alive. ethan could finally give him the letter and not worry if elijah was going to end up in a coma for who knows how much longer.

the room was quiet. no one said anything or even moved, to the point where ethan’s ears were ringing.

dani decided to break the silence, “hey ethan.. elijah finally woke up! the doctors said they werent sure if he was going to be in a coma and if he had slept any longer he might have been. but he woke up around half an hour ago, and everyone is outside the room because you know, visitor capacity.”
ethan nodded but didnt say a word; he still didnt know how to say anything.

dani had her back towards elijah, and mouthed to ethan: ‘do you want us to stay or leave? do you need to leave?’
he thought for a moment before deciding to ask them to leave for a moment. he needed to say everything needed, even if elijah hated him forever from that point.
dani turned around and gave denis a look, and they both told elijah they would be right back.

they sat in silence for a split moment before elijah gives a small grin and asks, “do you think they would let me eat this?” and points to the bananna bread denis had brought him that sat at the side of the bed.
ethan gives a small laugh before his eyes began to water; how was elijah not pissed off at ethan? did he forget their fight? it made him dread bringing it up more and more.

“we all missed you man.”
“yeah, i did too. except that one guy with the red scarf. who the hell is that guy?”
“oh yeah, thats albert. he was helping with the case and just everything. he was hired a couple days after.. well, you know.”

elijah nodded and glanced through the small window in the door. when dani said everyone, she really meant it; jandel, jake, that new guy albert, her and denis were all outside sitting in the seats outside the door.
ethan had cleared his throat before saying, “hey man, uhm. i dont know if you remember anything before all of this but..”
ethan handed him the letter.

elijah looks at the envelope.
it says his name on the front of it and (unsurprisingly) it was sealed. typical of ethan. he nervously glances at ethan, and then opens the envelope.
he somewhat knows what the expect out of this letter; he has recieved plenty before from his brother to know this was to explain how he felt about situations without having to verbally say it.

elijah opens the letter, and begins to read.

ethan doesnt know what to do with himself as his brother reads the letter. it has been sitting there since the day before elijah left; he can still remember their argument vividly.
the yelling. the reason why they were yelling. all of it.
he regrets all of what he said and if he could, he would take it all back. maybe he would still have his brother.

Chapter Text

it feels like hours, days, months, maybe even years have gone by when elijah finally finishes reading his letter, the silence so thick you could cut it with a knife.
it continues.

“ethan.. when did you write this?” elijah felt his eyes burn with tears as he saw the pain fill his twin’s expression.
“right before i found out you were gone. after our fight. when i thought you were with dani and denis, at work, like every other day.”

elijah’s memory of the day was very.. blurry. he could only remember fragments of their fight, remembering the main cause of it was because of his overworking tendencies; which had ironically got him here. in this hospital bed, staring at his best friend who looks as if he has never slept before.

it’s silent for a moment, then ethan turns to face his brother who is messing with the wires and tubes connected to him.

“how long do you have to be in here? with all these tubes and wires and other shit i don’t know about.”

elijah unwraps the banana bread, that was gifted from denis and dani, while saying, “doctors said i won’t be here for long, just enough time to heal up until i feel like i can handle myself on my own. im getting pretty sick and tired of all this crap connected to me and i need to eat this bread before they confiscate it.”

he takes a bite, then breaks off a piece and extends it towards his brother.

that was ethan’s breaking point.

his face twisted up into the most pained and hurt expression elijah has ever seen from him, put his head into his hands, and felt himself beginning to shake from how much emotion has built up inside of him.
ethan felt as if he wasn’t in-control of himself anymore, as his breathing got shorter and quicker. the lump in his throat burned him like acid.

“ethan…? are you okay?”
when ethan looked up at his twin with a crazed look, while in return elijah looks at him with concern.
how could he be worrying at a time like this? after all he has been through? ethan felt like he was losing his mind.

“am I okay?? what about YOU? you were the one KIDNAPPED and HURT, which was all my fault! if i hadn’t stupidly argued with you about work, you wouldn’t have gone through any of this shit! it’s my fault elijah, yet here you are, acting as if you were in some sort of accidental freak accident! i don’t understand how you aren’t yelling at me for what you’ve gone through.”

elijah was nearly speechless; what the fuck is going on?

“ethan, what the fuck man? none of this shit is your fault, why the fuck would i blame you for this? the only one to blame is the monster who kidnapped me in the first place. i don’t blame you in any way for this. hell, i don’t even remember half the shit you yelled about. do not blame yourself, ethan. otherwise that’s when i’ll start getting pissed off.”

“BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU DON’T BLAME ME! If we hadn’t argued, you wouldn’t have stormed out and ended up KIDNAPPED by some random, crazy ass person!”

the two stayed silent for a moment, and then elijah cleared his throat.

“ethan. if this had happened to you, would you blame me? if we had the same argument, but you had walked out before i did. would you blame me?”

no response. elijah already knew his brother’s answer.

“i am begging you, ethan. please don’t blame yourself for any of this. this wasn’t your fault. you don’t have to feel guilty, not even for that stupid argument we had.”

“im supposed to protect you though. i am your twin brother, basically your best friend. and i wasn’t there to protect you. i lost you.”

the room was quiet, both of their ears rang from the silence.
elijah thought very carefully about what he could say next, attempting to defuse the conversation.

“listen, ethan. from what i remember, the argument was caused by me. not you. i can’t remember very well, but i was the first to yell. not you. there was no possible way of you protecting me from this. you did not lose me. not then, and especially not now.”

“i still said i wish you weren’t my brother, elijah.”
the memory rushed to elijah’s brain; it stung very slightly. but, after the shitshow he’s been through, that was nothing in comparison.

“i don’t care about anything we said, ethan! i couldn’t possibly care any less about whatever you said. after everything, i don’t care what you said. i care that you are here now, and that i’m alive. i made it out alive.”

elijah looked to his brother, who’s eyes were puffy and his nose was red. he could tell ethan needed a break from talking, otherwise he would have a nervous breakdown.
he extended both of his arms out, signaling to a hug.

ethan hesitated for a moment, but stood from his chair to hug his twin.

when they pulled apart, elijah could tell from the look on his brother’s face that he had reached his talking limit.
“i’ve said all that i wanted to talk about for now. do you want to let in some of the others in? i haven’t talked with that new guy, and i haven’t even seen jake or jandel yet.”

ethan gives a nod, and heads to the door.
albert, jake, and dani walk into the room; they all give him a small smile of their own.

“hey, how’ve you been holding up, elijah?” jake walks up to the hospital bed.
“i’m doing pretty alright, just want to get out of this place as quick as possible. we’ve both hated hospitals since forever.”
elijah gestures to himself and towards the door, where his brother had gone to cool off.

“yeah, well the doctors told me that you probably won’t get out of here for atleast another week. me and denis are just going to have to bake some more banana bread.”

elijah laughs a bit. “yep, i’m gonna need some better stuff than this hospital food. i’m already tired of jello and… meatloaf? whatever it is, im sick of it, and i haven’t even been here for a full day.”

elijah looks to albert, and extends his hand out to him.
“hey, you’re albert right? my brother has talked a bit about you.”

albert returns the handshake. “yeah, that’s me. i was one of the detectives on your case. i have never seen a group of people this dedicated to finding someone.”

elijah didn’t know how to respond to the last sentence, so he said the second thing that has been on his mind since he woke up in this room.

“i want to hear about my case. all the evidence, leads, investigations, whatever else is apart of it. i want to know what caused me to end up where i am now.”

Chapter Text

elijah

hey. i know youll probably read this before you sleep or maybe when you wake up. or maybe you wont even read it and just toss it to the side, i dont know what you do with these letters.
i kind of write these just to get all my thoughts out without actually having to say it. i don’t know if that makes sense.
sometimes i know you don’t really enjoy opening these, even if you always do regardless. everything has felt more.. tense, in a way, these days? i just want to help, whether its by sparing you a few minutes in the morning, so you can get to work quicker or even staying up playing uno when dani and denis are over.
i’m just worried for your health, in short. i know you are probably overworking right now, i should probably call dani or denis, or anyone else really. but i just wanted to jot down my thoughts and wanted to let you know.
i know i do these alot instead of you know, face to face. sometimes arguing with you is just so.. overwhelming? i dont want to argue but i also dont want you to keep overworking and keep getting home late and to keep worrying about you and your health. and i know you can take care of yourself, (ive heard you say it too many times before) but im your brother. i truly care about you and i always will. you’re stuck with me.
listen i know im rambling by now, and i know i probably shouldnt have yelled today. im sorry.
maybe we could do something fun soon, like we used to. play uno, maybe pull out our old bike. i dont know, just something to repair anything that feels broken.
well i should stop rambling now, i am going to go call dani to see when she will finally get your ass home.
just wanted to say im sorry.

- ethan.