Chapter Text
Prologue
October, 1981
Afterward, Sirius could not remember much of the events that took place after James and Lily were killed.
Most of the first few weeks went by in a blur, only certain moments sticking with him, as if watching bits and pieces of his life as a spectator. Sirius remembered Remus and Mary sobbing when they heard the news. He remembered Mary ripping apart every single piece of Yasmin’s belongings she could find in her flat. She screamed and cursed and threw stuff around her flat as they watched helplessly, no one had a word of comfort they could offer her. Sirius remembered the way Remus wouldn't meet his eye, the way they sat in long silences in their living room, the way food became tasteless. He remembered Remus drinking mercilessly, rarely leaving the apartment unless he needed more bottles. He remembered no one blinking an eye when he began smoking again, the packs disappearing days after being purchased. He saw Mary grow quiet in her grief, withdrawing from their stony silence. He remembered Allison trying to send him messages, which he tossed into the fireplace along with Moody’s. He remembered sitting around the living room with Mary and Remus, speaking of idle topics and unimportant nonsense, all pretending to not see the empty seats around them. The rest of their childhood the war had stolen from them.
The war had ceased with Voldemort’s disappearance. But there was no joy, there was nothing left to celebrate. For every battered survivor, there were tenfold deaths. Everyone who was left had a horror story. Everyone had the names of loved ones on their lips, loved ones who would never walk this world again. The emptiness haunted the streets, every Order of Phoenix meeting, every press release. There was an endless supply of loss, a void no victory could fill.
The world had become cloudy and cold. Sirius felt the cold seeping into his conversations with Remus, both struggling to be anything other than mutually destructive in their grief. The cold found its way into Mary, who never cried or spoke of Yasmin, Marlene, Dorcas, James or Lily. Instead, she packed her bags and left one day. And her absence became yet another void sitting in their living room. A room once full of laughter and life, now barren with only the bitter bite of reality. The life they envisioned when buying the flat, now nothing but a childhood dream light-years away.
Eventually, Remus tried to speak to him. Sirius could see anger in his eyes, but his gaze would often soften when looking at Sirius, as if his pity consistently overrode his anger every time they spoke. Sirius remembered how defeated Remus looked when Sirius stared blankly into space when Remus tried to engage him in conversation one day. Often, any words passed between them only led to one or the other wordlessly walking off.
A few weeks after the day he found them, Sirius built up the courage to enter his garage for the first time, and in a moment of passion, smashed his motorcycle to bits with a bat. Just to leave Sirius on his knees once more, staring at the battered bike, feeling empty of the rush of anger he felt moments before.
He had never felt this void of feelings before - not that he hadn't felt plenty of emotions. He spent weeks randomly crying at various points with unknown triggers, or throwing items across the room whenever a memory flicked into his consciousness that turned his insides around. But it didn't matter, no outburst could change the dull emptiness he felt. He had never suffered a loss of equal degree. Not since he was eleven years old had it ever crossed his mind he would have to imagine a future without James. His future had become so intertwined with James' mere presence in his life, that the death ripped the very sense of his future and self from its roots. And beyond James, was the family he developed along the way. The Potters, Lily, Marlene, Yasmin, Peter, Dorcas, Astra- all casualties of the war in one way or another. He couldn't see past his grief, his anger, his emptiness. He couldn't imagine an end to the grief, or happiness ever being possible again.
Anger, he could bear, the unquenchable ache of loss he could not. No matter how much he tried to suppress it, there was an underlying emptiness behind his every waking moment. Sleep offered no escape, the night supplied sleepless nights of restless tossing and turning. And the days brought aimless words and long pauses in the conversation between him and Remus, neither able to cross the cliff between them, a gap they both pretended to be blind to. Sirius knew his betrayal weighed heavy on both of their minds, but neither could afford to lose the last thing they had left anchoring them to this world. At least there were the nights, where they clung to each other in the dark, holding fast to the last bits of their family the war hadn't managed to kill.
****
Chapter 1 – Leaving Grimmauld Place
September, 1971
Nothing was uncertain for the House of the Black. From his earliest memory, Sirius was told exactly how to act, what to do, and what to feel. His entire life was mapped out before his feet by the time he hit his sixth birthday, his family's expectations weighing heavy on his shoulders.
Despite his parents' beliefs, Sirius tried to fit the mold for the heir of the noble and most ancient, esteemed house of Black. He took the lessons, adapted the mannerisms, bit his tongue and tried to excel on every front. His efforts were only met with exasperated sighs, looks between his parents, and angry whispers behind clenched teeth.
Eventually, Sirius began to accept he simply was not enough for his parents' validation. His personality was incompatible with their hopes for their heir. This acceptance enabled him to venture into activities more enjoyable, finding ways around their watchful eyes to seek out music, books and knowledge from beyond the walls of Grimmauld Place.
The rising disappointment from his parents only made him more resilient to their pressure, and his rebellious attitude soon got the best of him. The year before he left for Hogwarts was stock full of misery and anger, with arguments becoming a daily routine in their household. The tighter his parents' grip felt around him, the more he sought to fight them on every belief and every order. He knew he was merely making issues for himself, and creating this rift between him and his family. He was reminded by his parents, his brother and extended family constantly that he was his own worst enemy. But the anger would build up inside of him so mass in size, that it'd threaten to suffocate him if he didn't let it out somehow.
Needless to say, his invitation to come to Hogwarts was a desperately needed escape from the brooding halls of Grimmauld Place.
The morning before he left, he sat in his bedroom, looking at the trunk filled with belongings he had been instructed to pack for Hogwarts. Earlier that week, his mother had dragged him off to get ceremonious robes fitted and his required school books in preparation. He had additionally hidden his most treasured belongings, gifts from his late uncle and estranged cousin, beneath his robes and books at the bottom of the trunk.
While most wizard children received their wand at age eleven, Sirius’ wand had been selected for him from family heirlooms when he was merely six years old. Despite the wand being designated as his for years, he had finally been permitted to touch it for the first time a few days before. His mother had informed him that the wand would only choose him if he was worthy of being heir to the noble dynasty of the Black family. The prospect of the wand rejecting him had terrified him, but his fears proved to be baseless, as the wand had responded to his touch instantly when the frightful moment finally came.
Sirius shuffled through his trunk to pull out his wand again, smiling at the small vibration he could feel when it made contact with his fingertips once more. It felt powerful in his hands, in his control. He couldn't use it, of course, not till he got to school. But the knowledge it was there, just tucked beneath a robe in his trunk, made everything feel easier anyway. It served as a constant reminder that Hogwarts was real, that the escape from his household that he had long dreamed of was truly about to begin.
Sirius heard a small noise, turning to see that he was being watched. His younger brother, Regulus, was in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe as a frown darkened his features. Sirius quickly returned his wand to its case regardless, not wanting to risk less friendly eyes catching sight of Sirius taking it out.
"Will you write to me?" Regulus asked, the petulant plea in his voice betraying his otherwise stoic features.
"Yeah, of course." Sirius smiled back at him.
Sirius knew better than to believe his absence would be beneficial for his brother. Regulus tended to make less waves within the household than Sirius did, having a far less rebellious temperament that brought the kid less negative attention as a result. But he would be alone in the mansion with his parents, with their lessons and anger. Sirius knew it would be a challenging year for the boy, thinking he may have not survived a year without Regulus. Living at Grimmauld Place for eleven years would’ve been unbearable if his brother hadn’t been by his side. He was Sirius’ only friend in that house.
Regulus shifted slightly, his crossed arms rearranging. "What was father telling you yesterday?"
Sirius rolled his eyes, thinking back to the lecture his father had pulled him into his study for the previous evening. Sirius had hardly been able to retain a single word of it, far too excited for his education to take him beyond Grimmauld Place to care for his father’s rules.
“Nothing out of the usual.” Sirius chuckled. He straightened up and lowered his voice, mocking his father. "Do not do this, do not talk to these people, we expect top grades, do you hear?"
Regulus giggled softly, relaxing his posture a bit. After a moment, his smile faded to a small frown.
"Do not be too loud, Kreacher is probably nearby." He stepped inside, lowering his voice. "You are going to listen to him, right?"
“Kreacher?” Sirius jokingly asked.
“Father.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, I suppose so." Sirius shrugged, placing his precious wand case back into the trunk. "What choice do I have?"
"I will miss you." Regulus said softly behind him, as Sirius shut the latches on his trunk.
Sirius gazed back at his brother for a bit. His brother, who looked so much like him, was only more serious in face, more fear in his eyes, and with shorter black locks running along the outline of his face. Sirius could see the dark circles under his eyes.
There was so much Sirius wanted to say. He wanted the kid to know how much he would miss him too. He wanted to tell his brother that it would only be a year, but he desperately wished they could go together. He hated that he wouldn’t be there to protect him from their parents. He hated that Regulus would be alone in their cold house, haunted by their years of loneliness.
Instead, Sirius grinned weakly. "Oh shuddup, you sap."
****
With every step he took toward the platform, he could feel her cold, disapproving eyes burning deeper into the back of his head. His mother walked behind him, her hand clasped around his right shoulder. Every jagged breath she inhaled sounded like a disapproving chant in Sirius' ear.
Walburga Black had often been described as beautiful by others, but Sirius could not see his mother as beautiful. He had far too often seen her dark eyes filled with anger, with judgement, and her lips drawn in anger. He had seen her face twist into something terrifying far more frequently than into something caring. He only associated her face with fear, and the cold, barren childhood he had experienced.
She looked around quickly now, her face unreadable as her sharp eyes scanned the surrounding crowds. She looked down at him and he squirmed, quickly refocusing his gaze on the wall ahead of them. The two of them quickly slipped through the wall onto platform 9 and 3/4.
The train was waiting, and the two were instantly surrounded by flocks of parents wishing their children off to Hogwarts. He could see parents crying, hugging their children, handing them their trunks and owls. Sirius stood, clutching his owl and trunk, unsure what to expect from his own parents’ dismissal.
He looked up at his mother once more, but she was observing the crowd again, searching for familiar faces. Finally, she sighed, with irritation.
She hissed quietly. "Seems that fool Dumbledore riddles this school with greater numbers of muggle obscenities every year. Soon, I will not recognize a soul in this crowd."
Sirius looked around to see if anyone cast them a glance, but the surrounding crowds were well occupied with their own goodbyes. His attention was pulled back quickly, by his mother sharply grabbing his arm. He turned to find her leering down at him.
"You will mind your manners and remember what your father and I have taught you. We will not permit any disgrace to come to our family name. Toujours pur. The most noble and ancient House of Black will not be tarnished. You will not allow for any of this, filth, to affect what we have worked to develop for our family line." Her hand grabbed him roughly under the chin until he was looking up at her in the eyes. "Is that understood?"
"Yes." Sirius pressed his lips together. "Yes ma'am."
He knew any other response would only prolong their goodbye, and he was eager to board the train. He glanced over at the train with excitement, wondering what else she would have to say. But that was all. He looked back to see his mother already retreating, stopping briefly to speak with Cygnus and Druscella Black, his aunt and uncle.
Sirius took the opportunity, and quickly scrambled aboard the train without looking back, pleading to not hear anyone call out to him. No one stopped him.
Suddenly he was on board, surrounded by squabbling children and arguments, friends embracing each other, and cheerful chatter. The chaos of moving luggage into compartments and students rushing around left Sirius feeling overwhelmed. He had not spent much time with other kids beyond his cousins, truly. He and Regulus were privately schooled to ensure they had an education worthy of their house, according to his parents. He had met other pureblooded wizarding children on occasion when attending gatherings, but they rarely proved to be much fun. The only children they spent time with regularly had been his cousins. But when he had been around his cousins, there were typically very strict expectations of decorum and behaviour. Therefore, the frantic chaos of the train was very unfamiliar and made Sirius feel out of place. He had been so anxious to leave his parents’ house, that he had forgotten to worry about what Hogwarts may bring.
He bit his bottom lip and tried to start pushing his way through the crowd. He glanced into several compartments, many already filling with students. Some were already loudly chattering away, looking familiar and comfortable with each other. Being that it was his first year at Hogwarts, he knew he would be in the youngest age group and would prefer not to walk into a compartment full of older students. He felt uncharacteristically shy and unsure of himself, quickly walking by compartment after compartment, not knowing where he should sit or what he should say.
He decided to find an empty compartment so he continued along down the row. When he was nearing the end he heard a familiar voice, and glanced up to see his cousin Narcissa Black tailing after his older cousin and her sister, Bellatrix Black. Sirius froze in place. He definitely did not want to spend his first moments at Hogwarts with his family! The two didn't seem to have spotted him yet as they chatted with excitement, but they were heading in his direction.
Sirius quickly ripped open the door to his left, sliding into a compartment and shutting the door quietly behind him, hoping to not draw their eyes. He stepped quickly to the side, watching until he saw the two wander by the compartment, the black and blond heads peeking over the window for a moment before continuing down the hall, voices fading into the distance. Sirius felt himself release a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.
He heard a chuckle behind him, "All right there, mate?"
He whirled to realize he had jumped into a compartment already occupied by four other students. Sirius felt a small flush in his cheeks but quickly shifted so he was leaning against his trunk, smirking at the students ahead of him. "Splendid. Would you mind if I joined you?"
Two boys were sitting on one side, looking around his age. The first was looking up at him suspiciously, his face round, speckled with freckles and topped by short blond hair. Beside him was another boy, taller with short curly dark hair running amok all over his head. He had glasses that wouldn't sit still on his nose and a mischievous grin dancing across his face. The second had been the one who spoke initially, and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying Sirius' game of hide and seek.
To their opposite sat two girls, one dark with long locks of braided hair, dark eyes and an amused expression. A book sat on her lap. Beside her was a second girl, also with dark skin, but her hair was wild around her face, puffs of curls falling over her shoulders. She was smiling, her face full of brightness as she fiddled with her curls.
The second girl winked. "Running from someone? Should we be worried?"
"Sit down!" The boy with the glasses laughed, patting the bench welcomingly. "We are all in first year. And I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you are too. I'm James Potter."
He reached out his hand, confidently. Sirius took it back with equal confidence, smiling as he replied, "Sirius Black."
He knew the name, Potter, as he had heard it often enough in family conversations. A pureblood family, but seemingly disgraced for not upholding the rigid ideals of pureblood supremacy that his family held onto so tightly.
"Black?" The other boy to James' right murmured.
"That is right." Sirius responded quickly, his chin jutting out defiantly. He was unsure how others may feel about his family, although he wasn't too thrilled about them either.
James continued as if the other two hadn't spoken. "This is Peter Pettigrew!" He nudged his friend. "And over here are two other first years we just met. Meadowes and Macdonald."
Sirius turned back to them shaking each’s hand.
"Dorcas Meadowes." The girl with the braids corrected, her eyebrows arched as if she were inspecting him. Her handshake was firm. "And this is my friend, Mary Macdonald."
Mary giggled as she shook Sirius' hand. "Feels like I'm in some old posh movie, shaking hands to greet an eleven-year-old."
Sirius stared. “Movie?”
Mary laughed, "Oh right, sorry. Guess I should remember most people here don't know much about technology."
"You must be muggleborn!" Sirius realized, excited.
Ever since his favourite cousin Andromeda had run away with her muggle boyfriend, Sirius had been endlessly fascinated by their world.
"What's your point, Black?" Dorcas spoke again, her voice harder, crossing her arms as her eyes narrowed suspiciously.
Sirius stepped back raising his arms. "Nothing, no point. I thought it was cool, that is all."
Dorcas relaxed back into her seat a bit, seemingly satisfied by his response, and Mary shot her a confused look.
"Is something wrong with being muggleborn?" Mary asked, scanning around the compartment confused.
James piped up, "Of course not!"
"Some people think so." Peter said, his voice all matter of fact.
Sirius turned to stare at him, and saw James kick Peter's shin.
"I was just saying some do... not any of us!" Peter mumbled, wincing as he rubbed his leg.
Dorcas huffed. "Well, some people are idiots."
"Hear, hear." James raised his hand, as if he was holding a glass. Mary giggled nervously.
Sirius relaxed into a seat next to Dorcas, placing his belongings under the seat carefully. He laid back, grinning carelessly.
"How do you all know each other?" He asked the group.
"Well, I only know Peter. We have been neighbours ever since we popped out of our mother’s wombs into this world."
James threw his arms around Peter, his eyes shining. The smaller boy flushed red in embarrassment.
Mary laughed and Dorcas shook her head. "I heard of some of you, but never met any before. Macdonald and I met at Diagon Alley, and have kept in contact since."
“I was completely lost.” Mary beamed at her. "You saved my life, truly."
"What house do you all expect you will end up in?" James smiled across the row, his eyes meeting Sirius'.
"We talked about houses a bit!" Mary said, seemingly relieved she knew what he was talking about. "I think I'll be Gryffindor."
James hooted. "Welcome to the team, Macdonald! Gryffindor is the best."
"I will be Gryffindor too, I hope." Peter smiled.
"Oh, awesome!" Mary grinned. "Although, I could imagine getting Slytherin as well."
James made a face. "Ugh, why?"
"Just how Meadowes explained it." Mary shrugged. “Thought I would fit in there too.”
"Oi!" Dorcas frowned at James. "I hope I'm in Slytherin."
"Alright, alright. Suit yourself." James waved his hand dismissively, grinning as he ran his hand through his messy hair. "What about you, Black?"
"I expect I will be in Slytherin." Sirius felt deflated by the conversation. "My whole family is, after all."
Dorcas smiled at him, but James shook his head. "What does your family have to do with where you'll end up?"
"Sorry?" Sirius questioned, then smiled sheepishly. "I do not know. That is just where they said I would be."
James laughed. "They can't pick!"
"Suppose you are right." Sirius grinned at him, feeling cheered.
"Which classes are you excited for?" Dorcas asked the group.
"All of them!" Mary bounced around in her seat. “I can't pick.”
"I'm going to ace defence against the dark arts." James nodded confidently. "And quidditch."
"That's not a class." Dorcas smirked. "But I will best you at both."
James laughed. "Is that a challenge?"
Dorcas shrugged indifferently, a smile still playing on her lips.
“I got my eye on you, Meadowes.” James teased playfully. He turned to Sirius, "Do you play quidditch?"
"Yeah!" Sirius replied. "At least well enough to play with my cousins and brother."
James nodded. "Grand."
"What does it matter, if you're convinced you'll be in Gryffindor and he is in Slytherin?" Dorcas laughed, shaking her head. "Then we'll be teammates, and bring you properly to tears."
James didn't respond with anything other than a goofy grin, but winked at Sirius, as if he knew something the rest of them didn't.
"You never answered my question." Sirius turned to see Mary looking at him, her dark lashes leaving shadows under her eyelids.
Sirius leaned in, resting on his elbow to peer at Mary behind Dorcas’ head. "Sorry, which question are you referring to?"
"Who were you hiding from!?" She laughed. "You ran in here like the hallway was on fire."
The others laughed, prodding him along to answer.
"Well," Sirius nodded seriously. "I like to make an entrance."
"You're lying!" Mary laughed. "You were escaping something."
"Let me keep my secrets." Sirius shrugged, leaning back against the chair.
James and Mary laughed, but Peter shrunk back into his seat, a frown settling on his face. Dorcas rolled her eyes back behind where her hair was falling over her face, looking down at a book she pulled out from her trunk.
The group returned to their conversation about classes again, but Sirius glanced back at the door, lost in thought for a moment. He had felt so uncertain and afraid of what Hogwarts held for him, just a few minutes before. But the friendly smiles and laughter of his peers around him felt more welcoming than any certainty of coldness the Blacks had ever offered him. He felt a surge of hope for what the future had in store for him.