Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

M A L C O L M    A N T H O N Y

11:13 p.m.

The sound of the Death-Cast call blaring from Roof’s phone is still ringing in my ears, even hours later. I was sure that this damn ringtone is the worst thing to hear. 

But I was wrong. Hearing my phone chime and reading that one message was somehow worse. 

Rufus (09:38 p.m.): Mateo is dead.

Mateo seemed like a cool dude, and with just a bit more time, he could have been good for Roof. But that didn’t matter today. We didn’t know him for long, and those three words hurt like hell.

Time feels as if it's on standstill. Tagoe and I are sitting with Aimee, Jenn Lori and Francis in the living room. The ticking of the clock is driving me crazy. Tagoe is nervously twitching by my side, and I don’t know when I looked away from the wall clock the last time. With every minute passing I’m tensing up more and more. It just ticked to 11:15 p.m. and by now it isn’t only Roof who’s playing tag with the death itself, but it feels like we all got skin in the game.

The phone rings. I can see it in all of our faces. Hope. Jenn Lori takes the call. There is still hope. Was there ever a Decker who made it to the next day? Could Roof be the first? But we were lying to ourselves. With the sound that escaped Jenn Lori’s lips, we all knew. Roof wouldn’t be the first. Then, I knew. This primal sound turning into sobs was the worst thing I ever heard.

Francis takes the phone from her hands.

“What happened?” Tagoe asks.

“No. I don’t want to know,” Aimee presses her hands to her ears, tears running over her cheeks.

Wetness drips onto my own hands and I realize I’m crying myself. I reach over and pull Aimee to my chest, pressing my hands over hers to drown out any sound.

Jenn Lori tries to press out an answer in between her sobs, but Francis can answer before her.

“Car accident,” his voice breaks, his own mask slips. “It was quick.”

Maybe, hearing this was worse.

V I C T O R    G A L L A H E R

11:36 p.m.

“Where is my fiancée?”

“You should sit down, sir.” The paramedic tries to push me back down to sit. He was talking about a concussion. Complete nonsense. I'm doing just fine. I don't even know what I'm doing here. It's not like that's my car over there, sticking out of the tall windows of some poor guy's house.

“No. I want to talk to my fiancée. Delilah?” 

Noone answers me. Blue light flashes and drowns out any other color. 

Just a moment ago, Delilah was calling me. I told her to wait. I told her I would come. She must still be waiting. She said she got a Death-Cast call, and judging by my watch, I really should get going.

“Could you at least please contact someone? I need to find my fiancée. Delilah Grey. Please?” 

The paramedic sighs as if it’s too much to ask for. “You got any idea where she might be?”

“Althea. It would be great if you could get her to talk to me? My phone is broken, I think. Or just let me know if she’s alright and where I can meet her?”

“Sir, we are-”

“Mr. Gallaher?” A police officer comes over. “I need to ask you some questions. Are you feeling up to it?”

“Yes, of course.” I turn my back to the paramedic. He knows what to do. God, I hope he can reach Delilah.

“Could you please describe the events of the accident to me? From your point of view?”

“Accident?” I rub my temples. A thumping headache makes thinking difficult. "I was going to meet my fiancée. I was in a hurry, so I think I was going too fast. I don't know, I think I hit something. A street sign. I really don't know. Sir? I need to talk to my fiancée. Is there any way you could call Althea? The little diner?"

The man blinks. "This is Althea, sir."

Chapter Text

M A T E O    T O R R E Z    SR.

12:22 a.m.

Waking up feels like swimming up to the ocean’s surface. As I break through, there is no air, just something filling my throat. I am drowning, choking on something that isn't water. The singing of birds turns into something mechanical, something louder. There are voices, forming words that don’t stop being sounds without meaning. 

Suddenly, I can breathe. There is a woman’s face floating over me, her lips moving, but no words can reach me.

Even with the air filling my lungs, I’m nothing more than a castaway, fighting to stay at the surface, reaching for anything to keep me afloat. Something familiar, anything would be enough. A voice, a face, a hand I could hold.

“Mateo?” 

T A G O E    H A Y E S

3:42 a.m.

All that’s left is numbness. Roof’s bed is empty. There are no more stupid jokes coming from his side of the room. There is nothing left.

“Do you think it was really that fast?”

Malcolm shifts in his bed, taking a deep breath. We’ve stayed awake, a reborn fear of the Death-Cast calls choking us.

“I bet.”

“You’re only saying that, so I shut up.”

“And you’re a smart guy, Tagoe.”

The bright display of my phone burns my eyes, as I continue scrolling through Roof’s Instagram feed. I refresh it. There are no new pictures. I refresh it again. And again. Nothing changes. Nothing will ever change.

I refresh it again. 

L I D I A    V A R G A S

6:27 a.m.

Death-Cast didn’t call me, because I’m not dying today. I feel dead, nonetheless. My eyes are sore from scrolling through the messages Mateo and I send each other. I find myself hoping for the ‘online’ popping up under his name and for him to start typing. But my messages obviously don't go through. Every now and then, I catch myself before pressing the call-button. It's one thing to send him messages, he’ll never read. It’s another thing to actually call him and having to listen to his voicemail.

Since Rufus called me last night, not a single cell in my body wanted to sleep. Even Penny was restless, crying a large part of the night and only calming down when I held her. It feels like part of me died again. Living through this with Cristian was hard, all the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the hurt, the tears. I didn’t think I could do it again. And I’m still not sure. But what other way is there?

7:00 a.m.

Penny is calmer now. She lets me dress her and takes her bottle without any fuss. This gives me a few seconds to myself and just like that, I find myself looking at Mateo’s and my messages. My heart drops, when I see my messages are still not delivered.

The tears come by themselves, spilling over and running down my cheeks. I should know better. Rufus called me yesterday. The messages won’t ever deliver. And I will never get an answer. Rufus. I hope he's alright . There, I’m doing it again. 

My phone rings and I hope to see Mateo’s name on my screen. Rufus’ Name would be alright too. Of course, it isn’t. It’s an unknown number. One last breath and I take the call.

“Strouse Memorial. Is this Lidia Vargas?”

“Yes?” My heart is beating in my throat.

“I’m calling about Mateo Torrez. The emergency contact was recently changed to include your number. He woke up tonight.”

Mateo Torrez. Mateo. My knees get weak. 

“Mommy?” Penny asks. 

“But… how-?” The air in my lungs somehow isn’t enough anymore. “I was told… he was in a fire? He died-”

The woman on the other side of the line seems to look something up, the clicking of the computer keys is deafening. 

“I want to apologize. That was my mistake. I’m calling you about Mateo Torrez Senior.”

M A T E O    T O R R E Z    SR.

10:37 a.m.

For a while, I am just drifting in and out of sleep. Just keeping my eyes open feels incredibly hard. Lidia is sitting by my side. I think she’s been sitting there for a while, but I’m not really sure. It could have been two seconds or two hours, time feels strange somehow.

She looks exhausted, her eyes are red and every few seconds, she looks at her phone. I want to tell her to go home and take a nap. She has been shuffling through a pile of papers, wiping her eyes. She’s crying. Just lifting my hand and touching her arm to soothe her, feels impossible. Maybe something happened to Penny. She should go back home. Mateo should be here any minute now, so there is no reason to stay here by my side. 

Her eyes meet mine and she takes my hand.

“Penny drew you a picture. She wants you to be better as soon as possible.”

It’s a picture of me, Mateo, Lidia, her abuela and Penny in front of their house. We’re all holding hands, smiling. I must have squeezed her hand, because she looks at our fingers, encasing my hand with both of her hands. Her lips are moving around silent words, her eyes are tearing up again. Something must be wrong with Penny. Go home . Why can’t my voice just work? Why does my tongue feel so heavy? 

She shifts and it allows me to look at the papers she has been reading. The letters are swimming on the page, before they find their place again. Reading feels somehow easier than talking, but I wish it wasn’t as the dancing letters start forming a word in front of my eyes. Funeral.

“No. Don’t look at that,” she says, pushing the paper away. “You shouldn’t worry.”

Why shouldn’t I worry if something was wrong with Penny?

This can’t be.

Where the hell is Mateo? Lidia is in no shape to stay here.

“Mateo?” The sound coming from my lips only resembles the name of my son, but there is recognition in her eyes. And then, Lidia Vargas falls apart in front of me.

L I D I A    V A R G A S

10:51 a.m.

There is still hope in Teo’s eyes. He swallows heavily, squeezing my hand harder.

“Where is Mateo?” His voice is rough with disuse.

It shouldn't be me who breaks the news to him. How am I even supposed to do this?

“Is Penny alright?” Teo lifts a shaking hand, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

“Yes,” my voice breaks again.

“Why are you crying, dear?”

I can’t do this. Teo has been like my father for years. I can’t do this to him.

“When is Mateo coming?”

I can’t. I can’t.

V I C T O R    G A L L A H E R

12:58 p.m.

Is there any way to determine if a day is the worst day to ever happen? Because I think I’m stuck in a nightmare. 

The police told me, I hit some kid with my car, as I was driving to Althea.

They told me, it was indeed my car sticking out of the window front of Althea.

They found Delilah. 

They didn’t do anything to help her, because she was a Decker.

Maybe I’m still dreaming. Maybe none of this is real.

Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow, back in Delilah’s arms.

It has to be a dream.

Chapter Text

M A T E O    T O R R E Z    SR.

8:41 a.m.

“Hey, this is Mateo Torrez. Please call me back later, I must be busy right now. I’m sorry-”

“Mateo? Please call me back. This is the… I'm not sure. The fifteenth voicemail I’ve left you. You're not in trouble, alright? Lidia visited me yesterday, I think something is wrong. Can you please call me back? I’m worr-” The beep cuts me off.

I'm still numb. It's still so unreal. This has to be some sick joke.

The photograph Mateo left me here, his seventh birthday, my little boy smiling into the camera, is creased so bad he's almost unrecognizable. I just can't put it away. 

Thank you for everything, Dad.

I'll be brave, and I'll be okay.

I love you from here to there.

Mateo

I've read it over and over again, my mind not quite grasping what it means. My hand moves by itself, calling him again. Listening to his voicemail one more time. Asking him to call me back. Maybe, just maybe, there is some slim chance that I hear his voice one more time. 

He has to call me back. There is no other way. He can’t be gone. No. He can’t be. I can’t lose him too. Even if this is selfish. I’d rather be selfish than allow myself to think that I’ll never see him again.

This is a joke. Some stupid joke. Or maybe, my brain is still scrambled from the last few weeks. I’ve been trying to remember if we had a fight that morning before I went to work. Was there any reason for him to be mad at me? He’s got to be scared, but I won’t be angry. I just want to see him.

Next to his picture was a little drawing with messy writing on it. 

Mr. Torrez,

I'm Rufus Emeterio. I was Mateo's Last Friend. He was mad brave on his End Day.

I took photos all day on Instagram. You gotta see how he lived. My username is #RufusonPluto. I'm really happy your son reached out to me on what could've been the worst day ever.

Sorry for your loss,

Rufus (9/5/17)

That’s exactly how I know all of this is a joke. Because Mateo can’t be dead. A few stupid pictures can’t prove this to me.

Chapter Text

M A T E O    T O R R E Z    SR.

12:22 p.m.

There is a casket in front of me. This is real.

Why is it closed? What happened? Do I really want to know?

People are coming up to me. Some are familiar, some I have never met before. They are talking to me, giving their condolences.

Penny comes to stand beside me. She holds up her teddy for me to take. It’s that one plushy Mateo gave her just after she was born. It was sitting on the shelf in his room for days, before he could gift it to her. I take it. It doesn’t smell like him anymore.

What did he smell like again?

What did he sound like?

This is real.

This cannot be real.

L I D I A    V A R G A S

12:27 p.m.

Teo’s crying is all that fills my ears. He clutches Penny’s teddy close to his chest, doubling over, his forehead almost touching his knees. Penny rubs his arm, barely holding on herself.

“Thank you again for coming, guys. I need to-” Aimee and the two boys just nod and let me go. I actually didn’t think they would be coming, considering everything going on in their life at the moment. But I think we're all drowning in the same ocean, understanding each other's pain. And maybe, our families now have grown to something bigger, shaped by our losses.

“Teo, come, please let me just-” he doesn’t fight it and lets himself be hugged. He sobs into my shoulder, his whole body shaking, this wheelchair being the only thing keeping him up now. Penny climbs into my arms herself, winding her limbs around my torso. 

How did we end up here? 

Chapter Text

A I M E E    D U B O I S

4:17 p.m.

Death-Cast didn't call me, because I'm not dying today. But I almost wish they did, just so I could tell them how fucked all of this is. This whole system is straight up shit. If Rufus didn't get his call, he wouldn't have been out on the streets. He wouldn't have been in Clint's Graveyard, where he was almost shot. He would still have been here with us. It's fucked. It isn't fair.

Tagoe and Malcolm are flanking me. The Plutos, a system now incomplete. Lidia and Mr. Torrez are here too. It's still striking how much he looks like Mateo. Or rather how much Mateo looked like him. Looked . 

I'm nauseous. And I want to scream. Rufus' patents should be here as well. There shouldn't be a reason for anyone to be here today.

Today, we'll scatter Rufus' ashes. Malcolm is holding the urn close to his heart. We’re standing by the three trees, where Rufus and I spent so many hours through spring and summer.

“How do we do this?” Tagoe asks.

“I don’t know. Do we say something? Or do we just like… throw him on the ground?” Malcolm opens the urn, his movements unsure.

There is a movement of something - no. someone - in the corner of my eyes. I turn, and there he is. Peck.

Something inside of me cracks open.

“What are you doing here?” My feet carry me over to him. “Fuck off, Peck.”

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t-”

He stumbles backwards as I push him hard .

“No! Get the fuck away from us! You shouldn’t even be out here? What fairytale did you tell the police? And where are your stupid little friends?”

“Honey, calm down.” He grabs my shoulders, shaking me as if he is trying to wake me from a dream.

The sound of my hand connecting to his face is honestly satisfying.

“Don’t ever call me that again. You don’t get to do that anymore.” Peck almost looks shell shocked. “What? Don’t know what to say? You gonna ambush me with your fucking friends and try to shoot me?”

“Aimee-”

“No. Get away from me. Get away from us. Forget you have ever known me.”

“I’m sorry-”

I raise my hand again, ready to slap him one more time, but there is a hand on mine. Lidia pulls my hand down, linking our arms together.

“Walk away.” Whether she says it to me or Peck, I’m not sure. She pulls me away and every bit of fight leaves my body. Gently, she takes me into her arms and lets me sob into her shirt. 

“Do you want to scream?” she asks me. I nod. “Okay. Let’s scream.”

“This is stupid.”

She just starts to scream. And my body joins in.

It feels freeing.

I hug her closer, our voices mingling.

This is it. This is our lives now. Screaming and clutching to strangers turned friends. 

Chapter Text

L I D I A    V A R G A S

1:19 p.m.

This stupid shelf isn't doing anything in terms of calming me down. The screwdriver is either too small, too big or it has the wrong head. And I can't find the right one for the life of me. 

I tried to use the smaller one. No chance. It doesn't let itself be twisted quite right. If I continue like this, I won't be done before Death-Cast calls me.

Oh, and Penny watches some annoying series on the TV. If I have to listen to one more second of this awful-

No.

"Penny? Mummy will be right back, okay?" If she hears me, she doesn't show it. Well, over this goddamn tune I can barely hear my own thoughts. 

The bathroom door locks behind me, and finally, heavenly silence. I don't know what is getting into me, as my thumbs call Aimee.

"Hey. Is anything alright?" Aimee answers in a heartbeat.

"I think I'm having a breakdown."

"I'm here. What's up?"

"Mateo bought us this shelf, you know? And I wanted to build it like a week ago, but you know… and nothing is working. Nothing." The tears come, and fall. "Aimee, I think I'm losing it."

"Do you want me to come? I can bring Malcolm and Tagoe. Malcolm can build that shelf for you and Tagoe, and I can watch Penny for a moment so you can calm down. Alright?"

"Could you do that?"

"Yes. You just gotta give me your address and we'll be there in a moment."

"Thank you," I whisper into the phone. "Thank you, Aimee."

"Don't worry. Message me the address, alright? We'll come over."

"Yes. Yes…" I send it to her. There is rustling and Aimee hangs up.

I stay in the bathroom for a little while longer. My head hurts from crying. Calm down, Lidia. Calm down. Penny needs you. Come on. Breathe. 

1:34 p.m.

It feels like a hundred tons are being lifted from my shoulders, as Aimee and the boys knock on my door.

"Thank you, guys."

“Don’t worry,” Aimee tells me, linking our arms together and pulling me to the couch. “Hello, Penny. Your mummy told me about that awesome book you love so much. Mind showing me?”

Penny’s whole face lights up. She pushes herself off the soft cushions and pads over to the books. She doesn’t even mind it, when Aimee turns off the TV. 

Malcolm walks over to the shelf on the ground, eyeing it for a while. Then, he sits down and takes a few screwdrivers from his bag and starts working. From the corner of my eyes, I see Tagoe walk into the kitchen. Judging from the sounds, he seems to be cleaning our dishes.

I can’t sit still for too long, watching Malcolm tinkering with the shelf. Part of me wants to help, because Mateo gifted it to me. But at the same time, I know I can’t realistically touch it without breaking down again. Penny climbed up onto Aimee’s lap, listening to her, as she read her a book aloud. 

So, I go to the kitchen. Tagoe looks out of place, half of his shirt wet with soapy water.

“You don’t have to do that, you know?” 

He flinches, his neck jerking. “Is there anything else I could do to help?”

“No, that’s not what I’m getting at,” I say, rubbing my face. “I know, I told Aimee I need a break, but watching all of you work doesn’t really help.”

He holds out the towel. “Then you can help. It’s already air-drying, so you probably don’t have too much to do, but it’s more than nothing.”

I take it and dry whatever he gives me. There is not much to say. Grief is a strange thing. It’s different for everyone, but sometimes, not being alone is enough.

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M A L C O L M    A N T H O N Y

10:23 p.m.

Is it possible to lose one's toes, because of unfitting running shoes? If it isn’t I’ll probably be the first. Aimee called us this morning. She wants to go running. I’m not really the running type, but if it means, I’ll leave this room and stop staring at Roof’s unmade bed, I’ll take it.

“Can we go slower? I think I’m dying.” As always, I’m the only one slowing down. “Guys!”

“Death-Cast didn’t call you. It isn’t our fault you’re slow, Mal,” Tagoe grins at me, his chest heaving.

Maybe it’s the way he said it.

Maybe it’s just that he said it.

Maybe it’s just me.

“Yeah, of course. Go fuck yourselves.”

“Mal?” Aimee takes a few steps towards me, but I wave her away.

“I’m going back home. You can run all you want.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that-”

“I don’t care. I’m going home.”

They don’t stop me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. They are my friends and I’m behaving like a little bitch. But I can’t help it. Part of our group is missing. The Plutos aren’t the Plutos anymore like this.

The anger disappears as quickly as it came. Now, I just feel empty.

Chapter Text

M A T E O    T O R R E Z    SR. 

6:55 p.m.

Lidia takes me home. I didn't want her to. As usual, she didn’t listen. I don’t think I would have been able to get here on my own.

“You can go home,” I tell her again. 

“No,” is all she answers. 

The elevator doors open. The smell of charred wood, of burned plastic hangs heavily in the air. Lidia pushes the wheelchair forward, bringing me closer to it. 

I don't really know what I thought had happened. It was a closed casket funeral. The puzzle pieces are falling into place and I don't like the picture they're forming.

"Do… Do you know what happened?" 

She pushes me inside, placing one hand onto my back. It's probably supposed to be calming, but I can feel her shaking.

"I didn't want to ask too many questions. I wasn't sure if I could handle- They said something about a gas leak. It was the stove." 

The stove. The goddamn stove. 

It was already on its last leg when I fell into that coma. I was going to call a craftsman, just to have my butt covered. I've already tinkered around too much on the stove, to be sure not to completely destroy it this time.

I should have told Mateo.

If he had known the stove was broken, he wouldn't have used it.

I should have called someone right that day. 

All of this is my fault.

I should have talked to someone, as soon as my head started hurting. Collapsing at work and not waking up for two weeks wasn't part of the plan. 

"Teo? You can stay with Abuela, Penny and me, until you've got it all figured out." Lidia's voice is shaking. "Or for as long as you need it."

I nod, pushing myself up. Elisabeth, the nurse, had spent hours with me, practicing my walking. It's exhausting, like my legs have lost all their strength and are now refusing to work as they should. For as long as I take it easy, it's fine. And Lidia can't push my wheelchair through the debris.

One hand always on the walls, I push forward. There must be something left. One of Mateo's favorite books. A shirt that still smells like him. Photo albums. Pictures capturing my life with Mateo. My life before him, with Estrella. The two most important chapters of my life, now ended, leaving me behind. 

It's all gone. There is nothing left of Mateo, and even less of Estrella. How am I supposed to keep writing this book of my life, if all the previous chapters are burned to ashes, while my memories are already fading?

And it's all my fault. Nothing more and nothing less. Every photo album is gone, and yet my fingers still find a mug. It's charred, but whole. It's one of the mugs I got from my workplace. "Coworker of the month". Out of all the mugs, why did this one survive? Couldn't it be the one Mateo painted for me in primary school? Or the one Estrella gave me as a birthday present? Is this too much to ask for?

It crashes into the wall, shattering into hundreds of pieces. I grab whatever I get hold of. Burned remains of the chairs, the table, anything. The wall doesn’t give way. Only the thin powder of ash lifts itself into the air in small clouds.

“Teo. Teo, please stop.” Lidia tries to take hold of my arms, but I don’t let her. Another loud thud sounds, as another piece of chair hits the wall. “Teo!”

“This isn’t fair! I should have died in his place. Why did Death-Cast have to call him? He didn’t deserve to die like this-” 

Lidia wraps her arms around me. It feels like she is pulling every last bit of anger, of fight right out of my bones. Our knees hit the charred floorboards. She cries into my chest, her shoulders heaving with heavy sobs.

Chapter Text

L I D I A    V A R G A S

6:13 a.m.

It’s getting bad again. Like really bad. Penny has been awake since what feels like an hour, but it feels like something is tying me down. Getting up and taking my sweet Penny up in my arms seems incredible. At least she’s not crying yet. I don’t know what I would do. 

This was bad with Christian. I can’t say it was worse. It was bad and now it’s bad again. I’ve been calling Mateo again, just to listen to his voice on his voicemail. I’ve been telling him about my day, every night before going to sleep. 

The last time, it was Mateo who pulled me through all of this. Now, it’s just myself. Who am I to burden Teo with all this? He probably has it worse. Waking up to a world without a son and apartment. Pretty much every night, as I’m sneaking by the guestroom to pee, I hear him cry. I never knock and go to comfort him. Does that make me a bad person?

A I M E E    D U B O I S

1:31 p.m.

Penny is making Lidia and me sand cakes. And I’ll probably have sand in my shoes for like the next two weeks. This time, I was the one to call her.

It's strange, isn't it? Rufus and I broke up. I would probably have been fine with never talking to him again. How is this any different to now? Is it the knowledge he doesn't get to grow up and follow his dreams? Or am I still grieving the relationship we shared?

"Mimi?" Penny holds a sand filled plate up to me. I can't help but feel somewhat honored that I already reached the nickname status with her.

"Thank you, honey." 

I should think about becoming an actor, because you bet, I make it look as if this wet, dirty sand is the best thing I have eaten in my entire life. Lidia is served another plate. Her performance isn’t as good as mine and Penny doesn’t really look convinced.

“You’re doing okay. Liddi, you’re doing just fine,” I tell her, touching her knee.

“How do you do it?” She leans into me, her head resting on my shoulder. 

“What?”

“How are you always up and about? Aren’t you sad? I’m sorry if that sounds wrong.”

“I am sad. Just maybe in a different way than you are. It feels like the ceiling is crashing down on me, if I stay in. It helps me to keep things going.”

Chapter Text

M A T E O    T O R R E Z    SR.

7:49 p.m.

Death-Cast didn’t call me today. They didn’t call me yesterday. I wish they did. I wish they would.

Maybe, it would have been better if I had never woken up. I should have died in that coma, so I could be by Mateo’s side again. At least, he is not alone wherever he is now. Estrella is by his side. I like to think they’re happy. Estrella wanted nothing more than to meet her son. They are together now. They just have to wait for me to join them.

I can’t sleep. My doctors know about it. They prescribed me some pills that don’t really help. One of them doesn’t even make me tired. It’s still pretty early to sleep, but I can’t imagine staying up any longer. Another pill can’t hurt, right?

The bottle is empty when I lift it. How is it empty? I have only taken one, right? I have- I mean, I was tired, I might have- I really, really just want to sleep. Is it safe to take the whole bottle at once? 

The room is tilting at its edges, as I push myself up. There is still light in Lidia’s room. I don’t think I know, before pushing the door open.

“Teo? Is everything alright?” She is sitting on her bed, Penny sitting on her lap, a book opened in front of them.

“I just wanted to sleep,” I tell her, holding up the empty bottle. Her eyes find it, her mouth opening in a silent sound. “I didn’t want to- I don’t know what happened.”

L I D I A    V A R G A S

8:57 a.m.

Penny is falling asleep with her head on my chest. I can’t wait for this night to be over. Teo is resting in a hospital bed right in front of me. I got him to throw up when he came into my room. He’ll stay here overnight, just to be sure. 

And I? I’ll go home, try to sleep myself and then, first thing in the morning, I’ll look into finding a therapist for him. I should have done this long ago, instead of being distracted with my problems while he was struggling. I should have done better.

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L I D I A    V A R G A S

12:52 p.m.

Today would have been Mateo’s birthday. This makes everything real again. It has gotten easier to get through the days. I could make it until nighttime and realize I haven’t cried in a day. It still hurts. It always will. Because this isn’t about the pain ending but living with it. And I’m living.

“Mummy? Are you coming?” Penny looks through the opened kitchen door. “I want the cake!”

“Yes, honey. I’m coming.”

We let Penny choose the cake flavor. She wanted chocolate, of course. We will eat it later, at the graveyard, while telling Penny more stories about her best uncle Mateo. Teo would have helped, but he started working again, recently. Therapy has been good for him. He started working again and he’s pushing through. We’ll meet up to see Mateo. And his wife. I can’t imagine how he feels today.

“Will you get me the eggs Penny?” 

She runs to the fridge, pulling it open, leaning her whole weight into it. She has grown so much. I hope there isn’t any point in my life where I get her Death-Cast call. She can become immortal for all I care. 

“Mummy, here!” She holds the eggs up for me.

“Thank you,” I press a kiss on the top of her head, between her ponytails. 

“I love you Mummy!”

“I love you too, Penny.” God, please don't let Death-Cast call her before me.

M A T E O    T O R R E Z    SR.

5:31 p.m.

Sitting here, together with my son and the love of my life, everything turns whole again. It brings me back to nineteen years ago, holding my baby boy in my arms for the first time, letting Estrella’s hand go for the last time. This day became a happy one for Mateo. What birthday would it be without any celebration? We celebrated his and Estrella’s life, because that’s what they deserve. Lidia, Penny and I will do the same today.

“Which piece do you want?” I ask Penny.

She leans forward, inspecting the cake. “That one,” she says, pointing to the biggest one. I lift it onto the paper plate for her and she digs in without any big ceremony.

Lidia watches me and I can’t help but wonder if she prepared anything to tell Penny about Mateo. It makes me think about what kind of person Mateo was. He was smart, he could have studied anything, if he had fought his fears a little bit earlier. He was gentle, I’ll never forget the time he sat out in the rain, trying to keep the baby bird dry. He was loving, loving his family, his friends and Rufus until his death. He was caring. He was funny. He loved his music. And he loved his videogames and his books, when he wanted to live a life that wasn’t his own. Looking back at the photos on Rufus’ account and what Lidia and the Pluto’s have told me, I’m sure he lived his last day in a way I could never imagine. He was brave, first and foremost. Having to do this on his own. Stepping out of his comfort zone. 

Thinking about it now, I always wanted to make him proud to share a name with me. But now, here I am, sharing a name with the bravest boy I know. 

I am so proud of you, Mateo.

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L I D I A    V A R G A S

4:33 p.m.

Althea Park has become a place full of happiness today. Malcolm and Tagoe have taken their day off and they came over with Aimee this morning. We spent the whole morning preparing food for this barbecue. Year after year, I find myself believing more and more that I have gotten to know Rufus from the Pluto’s stories. We’re almost like a small family now, coming together once a year, talking and eating good food. 

Penny is playing tag with Malcolm and Tagoe, her giggles bright.

“She has them wrapped around her finger,” Aimee says. She comes to sit next to me, leaning into my shoulder.

“I don’t know a single person that is safe from her. In a few years, she’ll run the world.”

“I bet. You’re a good mum, you know?”

“Only because you all spent your time helping me.”

She grins. “We did it, because we wanted to. You did all the work.”

“Mummy, Aimee! Smile!” Penny snaps a picture of us with the old smartphone I gave her for emergencies. 

“You mind me borrowing her for a while? I could use a little, cute demon like her.”

“No, she belongs to me.” I reach for Penny, gently pulling her to me, pressing kisses to her head and face. “Right, honey?”

She giggles, kissing me back. “I love you, Mummy.”

“I love you too.”

Just like that, Penny is already on her feet, running full force at Malcolm.

“Hey, I’ll go and help Teo with the food. Alright?” I pull away from Aimee.

“Go. I’ll keep an eye on your little angel.”

“Thank you, Aimee.”

By Teo’s side, I keep watching Penny and the others. This almost feels right. Things could stay like this.

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L I D I A    V A R G A S

12:22 a.m.

The ringing of a phone pulls me from my sleep. Penny has been in a deep sleep since eating the food, exhausted from running around. She’s still lying there, in my bed, rolled up, hopefully dreaming something good. 

I reach for my phone. But it isn’t my phone that’s ringing.