Chapter Text
Alec stayed in his room for a while longer- how long? he really didn't know, but it was long enough for him to become literally incapable of sleeping any more.
He was still tired, but no matter how long he laid there with his closed eyes he just couldn't manage to actually fall asleep: He was awake, he might be tired still but he was awake, and his body was trying to inform him of that in the most passive aggressive way possible.
So, he gave up on trying too, and instead sat up and actually got out of bed.
Now, it took him a while- an almost embarrassingly long time actually- to get out of bed, his legs were shaky when he finally stood up but surprisingly he did actually manage it.
He braced himself against his nightstand, trying -and succeeding- to keep himself upright and generally not fall flat on his ass,
When he walked forward he shifted to brace himself against the wall instead.
He actually felt pretty good, all things considered, whatever Cat had said about the magic and- whatever, must have worked because most of his symptoms- especially his more severe symptoms- had gone away.
He was just shaky from not haven eaten since the disaster that was his last magic lesson.
So, he continued on, continuing to brace himself against the wall as he walked.
The textures of the wall made his fingers tingle as he drug his hand against it, the vibrations of the movement running through them. He sort of lost his general train of thought as he focused souly on the feeling of it moving up his arm.
But then, the wall of the hallway ended, and the living room/kitchen/general apartment begun, so he let his hand fall to the floor and tried in vain to ignore the odd feeling of numbness the loss of sensation left.
He walked into the main apartment on shaky legs, feeling just about as generally unstable as he usually did these days.
There was no one out and about when he entered the main apartment, it honestly felt a little weird, it had been so long sense the house had been quite this silent.
He tried not to pay it any mind, the feeling of being so alone, but it was a little difficult, seeing as he felt, very, very alone.
And that he had been feeling this way for a wile.
it was weird, Alec had never really gotten hurt like this before- I mean, other than the incident with the owl, but that had only been a week or so and he had been asleep for most of it, every other time in his life, it was just an irazi and he was up and at em' the very same day, but this, weeks of doing nothing because he literally cant do anything: no training because he's too tired, no walking because he can barely get out of bed, he can barely even cook because standing for that long is tiring enough for him to risk passing out.
He hasn't even been able to read a book all the way through because every time he sits down to read he ends up falling asleep on top of it.
He's bored, normally his life is filled with so much action, so many different things people need from him or even just work he needs to get done, he only functions because there's always something for him to do, only now, after what happened to him, there's nothing for him to do, nothing that he can do.
Everything has changes for him, and he doesn't even completely mean in the obvious ways, he also means in ways he would never even think of.
As a shadowhunter he's not completely unaware of permanent or long term injury's, actually he thinks about it quite often, in his line of work he has too. Irizi's can only do so much, the number one injury that forces a shadow hunter into retirement is amputation. Hell, Alec has 6 separate shadowhunters in his institute right at this very moment who have lost a finger or more to a hunt gone wrong. It's one of the very few things that an irazi can't fix.
And while some- like those working in his institute can find ways to work around it, Alec, as an archer, wouldn't be able to do his job without full use of his hands, so he's had to think about it a lot.
But he'd always thought about the job side of it, what would change in his day to day life. He had never thought about the disconnect this type of injury would create with his family.
He barely sees Izzy, he hasn't talked to Magnus in 2 days, much less taking about the last time they had had a meaningful conversation. The only one he hasn't become estranged from is Jace, and somethings still a little wrong with the way they interact now.
Something's different, And Alec can't handle it for all that much longer, that much he's sure of.
He and Magnus haven't had sex sense before he was taken. Which was almost two whole months ago.
And he doesn't want to be the kind of person who measures how well a relationship is going by how much sex you're having, especially seeing as he is a whole marred man, has been for a while now, and that he trusts Magnus more than anyone- barring Jace. but he can't help but feel insecure about it.
He really, really is trying not to, but there's something that's just making it impossible, a little voice in the back of his head whispering doubts into his brain.
I mean this is Magnus bane we're talking about, a man who's 800 years old and has had 13,000 lovers over the course of those years, Alec wants to think that he's just been busy but he can't help but worry that Magnus is getting bored waiting for Alec to get better, especially when its starting to seem like that might not ever happen.
Though, considering what Alec just did to him, him getting bored waiting for Alec might be one of the better options.
He's worried: he cant do anything to keep his mind off it it either, as that would require literally any/all of the skills that he seems to be failing at, at the moment.
And sense there's literally nothing he can do other than sit in their bed and think, well, he sits in their bed and thinks about it.
But he's not stupid, he knows that Magnus loves him, and he knows that Magnus would never cheat on him, not after everything with Camille, but he just doesn't want Magnus to be unhappy, doesn't want Magnus suffering so he can stay faithful.
He doesn't want Magnus to find entertainment someone else though. Really he just wants his old life back. He wants to be able to do the things he used to, to have sex with his husband, to run his institute, hunt with his brother and his sister-
He shakes his head, looking down at his and Magus's counter top. Around the room he's in: His and Magnus's kitchen, around the life they've built together.
He smiles, his brain and namely his common sense informing his that Magnus is just busy, and that there's no need for him to worry.
Part of marriage is the 'for better or for worse' part, and well, they're at the worse part right now. And that's okay.
It fucking sucks an it's hard and all he wants is to curl up in Magnus's arms, but they'll get though it, they have to.
—
Alec wanted to feel useful, wanted to do something just generally productive.
Which, he doesn't think is all that unreasonable, given how he usually spends his time.
But of course, with his current situation, he couldn't exactly do that, or really anything.
And being the type of person he is, living the way he (usually) does, having been raised steeped knee deep in shadowhunter culture. He needs productivity, craves it in the most primal way, the way all nephillem tend to, the way they need to in order to function in their society.
So the fact that he's pretty much incapable of doing anything he wants to, or feels like he's supposed to. it's hard, an it's hard tp not try and over do it: to just sit around and not try to push his body past it's very, very small limits.
And, sometimes (like right now) he doesn't quite manage to hold back the urge to just, do something, anything.
Right now he's just, making some food, and cleaning the kitchen, which, might not sound like a whole lot, but in terms of what he dose these days: well his muscles are already feeling tired.
The onions for the soup have only just started browning and he's already dripping sweat and starting to shake.
He feels weak, like he did before, right after he got home.
He sits down, though its a little challenging seeing as his legs are shaking and it feels like his bones are filled with helium.
And of course, its not as if it's never felt as though his limbs were filled with light gases, but its just that, not only is it not a particularly pleasant feeling but also its something he just doesn't like
It leaves him feeling out of control and unable to move his body in the way that he wants to, and like any sane person he doesn't like that very much at all.
He's actually been feeling this way quite often. he figures it's a side effect of whatever fucked up bullshit Valentine had done to him, but it's sort of started to become his normal, so, as much as he really doesn't want it to have.
His teeth are chattering from how violently he's shaking. It's painful at this point.
Though, once again, that's not exactly out of the ordinary for him.
The spoon he's using to stir keeps thunking and clinking against the bottom of the pot, and the noise it's making is drilling into the side of his head.
Honestly the onions aren't even nearly ready, just barely starting to cook through, but he pours in the stock and de-glazes them anyways, because if he doesn't sit down now he's going to pass out, and he's already had too much of that these last few weeks.
He sits on the floor, because they don't have any stools in the actual cooking part of the kitchen, and then when that's not enough he flops back and spreads out his arms and legs, because suddenly he is far too hot.
And then he wants to cry, because all he fucking wanted was to make some soup, and now he has half browned onions in chicken stock boiling on the stove and it smells good, and he's hungry, for the first time in literal days and-
He feels like he's going to have a breakdown.
—
He ends up making the damn soup. He has to bring the cutting bored down to the floor because he can't stand any longer but he gets it done, but there's something about the whole thing that just made him feel like shit.
Generally, and completely like shit.
He eats his small portion of mostly broth and leaves the rest on the stove, without telling anybody that he'd made it, and he goes back to his room without another word.
He felt like he'd failed to do anything, even though he did make the soup.
He lays down on the bed, too hot to pull the blanket up, too tired to move onto the floor where it would undoubtedly be cooler, instead he just lays there, sweating heavily into Magnus's silk sheets.
He feels uncomfortable, oddly wet, damp.
He's tired, and he wants to sleep, but he's slept too much these last two weeks, so he just lays there, feeling like complete shit.
like he has been.
—
time is weird when you lay awake for an extended period of time.
When you're just laying there, on your back, completely awake but unable to do anything but stare straight ahead.
Alec has been doing it a lot lately, which is how he can say with such certainty, that it makes it hard to keep track of time.
In fact, it makes keeping track of time nearly impossible for Alec to do, not that he trying super hard.
So far his family has been leaving him mostly alone to wallow in his sadness and self-pity, even and especially Magnus. which Alec both does and doesn't really blame him for.
But, of course, with the way his family is, the way they do things, its just impossible for them to leave him alone for forever.
He's still overheated, completely so, lying spread eagle on top of the covers, trying to fall asleep so he doesn't have to feel like this anymore.
But, he's been sleeping too much lately, and his body's all out on wack, and to be completely honest with himself he was never actually going to sleep.
He was fully planning to lay there and rot for the entirety on the day, like he'd been doing sense he'd gotten back.
But, as usual, his parabatai had other, more annoying plans.
There wasn't even a knock on the door, it just opened. creaking a little bit as it did.
"Hey." Jace said softly as he stepped into the room.
"Hey." Alec mirrored back, his voice sounding horse and scratchy, feeling raw as he spoke.
"Sooooo" Jace said, dragging out the word as he walked closer to the bed in the middle of the room, swinging his arms at his sides while he walked.
He sat down at the edge of the bed, sitting right next to Alec's legs. "how are you?"
Alec just sort of stared at him intensely, and looked down, vaguely in the direction of his hip "You know how I am, Jace"
"Yea, but you don't always know how you are." He replies, a knowing look on his face.
Alec sighs, rolling to lay fully on his back.
"What'd you want me to say Jace?" Alec tries not to sound exasperated, but he doesn't succeed even in the slightest.
Jace just shrugs at him "That's not- there's nothing in particular that I want you to say, I just want you to talk to me, to say something." He sighs "I just want you to talk to me, to tell me whats going on with you, to tell me anything."
Alec doesn't know how to respond to that, so he stays silent, which seems to have been the right move seeing as Jace continues on smoothly.
"I know you're used to just holding everything inside, not talking to people, and I get that, I do, but I thought we were passed you shutting me out." He looked like he was about to cry.
"You are the person I trusted with my soul, parabatai, the one who holds my deepest parts, thoughts, feelings and fears in the palm of your hand, and have sense we were kids, I understand it's scary, I understand if you're ashamed or scared or jealous or anything." he pauses, after a moment continuing on so softly that Alec had trouble understanding what he was saying. "I understand, Alec, So just talk to me."
Alec can feel that Jace means everything he's said, he can feel his and Jace's souls beating as one, he can feel Jace's emotions, but he still can't manage to move his eyes from the spot of the ceiling.
But he talked.