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Chapter Text

Part One

            The Kingdom of Morocco was majestic, no matter the dimension of Earth it could be found in the Infinite DC. The one Kara and Mireya came to happen to have one British Secret Service Agent by the name of James Bond. There were many Bonds across the Infinite DC with many faces. All of them sharing the same characteristics and features: tall, muscular, British, and white.

            But the one Kara and Mireya found in this reality was unique – he was a middle-aged black man who reminded them of Stacker Pentecost, an ally from a previous journey. It was difficult for Kara not to fall head-over-heels for him from the moment their paths crossed. He was as suave as his Caucasian counterparts, which made it that much harder for her to resist his charm. This lack of resistance was primarily the reason Kara and Mireya were roped into one of Bond’s assignments.

            An oil tycoon named Sayid Muhammed was the prime suspect in a plot to launch nuclear missiles on North Korean soil, triggering a possible war that could waste the entire earth. The codes to the missiles were kept in a silver briefcase that Muhammed always carried around with him, securely handcuffed to his left wrist. The only way to get close enough to him and the codes was through a Moroccan casino that he managed.

            Being an upmarket establishment, Kara and Mireya had to transform their usual garments into something more upper-class. That meant Kara had no choice but to ditch her signature black hoodie, which she was rarely ever without, for a tight black mini-dress with split sleeves. She felt uncomfortable in it every second, tugging down on the mini-skirt, so that it didn’t ride up too far to expose her butt cheeks.

            Mireya, by contrast, wore something close to her usual attire, if not more revealing. For the mission, she put herself in a striking black evening gown with the hems of the dress cut above the hip, showing her smooth, toned legs and the sides of her buttocks. One peculiar detail Kara noticed, “You’re not wearing any underwear!”

            “Do you know how comfortable this silk is?” Mireya said. “I want it caressing every curve and crevice.”

            “It’s caressing just fine,” the women heard Bond over their earpieces. He was elsewhere in the casino, opting to split from his female acquaintances in favor of covering more ground. “Let’s stay on task, ladies. Muhammed could show at any second.”

            “Right,” Kara acknowledged. “We’re looking for an Arabic man of five-foot-ten with a long grey beard, a white pressed suit, gold loafers, and a gold turban.”

            “How can he even wear a gold turban?” Mireya pondered. “That sounds like it’s putting quite a bit of pressure on the neck…or maybe it’s not solid gold? Could be just the fabric?”

            Kara shrugged. “The hell if I know. The villains in these types of worlds are some weird dudes.”

            “Can I have the gold turban when you guys catch him?”

            Another voice spoke through static over the comms, surprising the three spies. It was supposed to have been a private frequency, allowing no one else to tap into their communications. However, someone did…and it sounded like a ten-year-old boy to the ears of Bond. “Who the hell is that?” he asked.

            “Craig?” Kara recognized the preadolescent voice. “Is that you, lil’ bro?”

            “Honey, how’re you reaching this channel?” Mireya inquired.

            “On my phone,” Craig said. “Ya’ll upgraded it to call through the Infinite DC from my world, remember?”

            “Who is this kid?” Bond asked, increasingly agitated by this interference. “And what’s an ‘Infinite DC’?”

            “We’ll explain later, James,” Kara said. “Craig, could you please call us later?”

            “But this is an emergency!” Craig alerted.

            The urgency in his voice concerned Kara. “What kind of emergency? What’s going on, lil’ bro?”

            “Kara, stop touching your ear right now!”

            She wasn’t sure why Bond told her to do that, until she suddenly found herself locking eyes with a man fitting the description of Sayid Muhammed. “Oh, shit!” she cursed, not intending for Craig’s innocent ears to have heard the obscenity.

            “What’s wrong?” He asked. “Why did you cuss?”

            There was no time to answer. Muhammed had bolted out of the casino.

            Removing their pumps, Kara and Mireya chased after the tycoon. They assumed Bond followed suit, if he had eyes on Muhammed as well; he must have, to tell Kara not to touch her ear; doing so gave away their position. She felt like an idiot, being so worried about Craig that she failed to remember that she was undercover.

            Her mini-skirt rode to discomforting proportions as she sprinted through the alleys in pursuit of their target. Mireya, on the other hand, might as well have been gliding from the way her cut skirt flowed in her own sprints. Kara could have almost sworn that her pace was much faster.

            When she saw Muhammed make a sharp left turn around the corner of a spacious two-story complex, Kara made a risky, last-minute decision. She climbed up the drainpipe that ran along the side of the complex, reaching the rooftop. Darting across the rooftop, she used her Time Lord intellect to calculate the trajectory in which Muhammed would be at the time she leapt over the edge of the roof.

            Her calculations were spot-on.

            Without so much as looking over the edge first, Kara leapt and dropped a good twenty feet down atop of Muhammed. Her bare knee clocked the tycoon across the face, although it felt a little weird to Kara. It was like she wasn’t striking skin but plastic, as if Muhammed was a mannequin. Regardless, it was an effective maneuver that brought him to the ground, unconscious.

            Bond and Mireya caught up no less than a few minutes later, just as Kara used her trans-temporal sonic screwdriver to unlock the silver briefcase. Opening it, she verified that it contained the laptop to insert the launch codes. Once again using her sonic, she rendered the device inoperable.

            “I’m not going to ask how you did that,” Bond said. “I’m just glad you did.”

            Kara smiled, knowing that she impressed the handsome secret agent.

            “Oh, my god!” She suddenly heard Mireya cry out. Turning to her, she noticed how she was analyzing Muhammed’s unconscious body, which was dissolving right before their eyes. Every portion of him melted, save for his grey beard, gold loafers, gold turban, and white pressed suit.

            “An Auton!” Kara exclaimed in wide-eyed shock.

            “A what?!” Bond cringed.

            Neither Kara nor Mireya knew where to begin in explaining this to Bond.

            The best Kara could do was walk straight up to 007 and deliver a long, passionate kiss right on his lips. It was something that she wanted to do for the longest time, since the moment she arrived in his world. She hoped it would have gone much further than that, but this kiss was not entirely inspired by romance.

            The red shade of lipstick she wore that evening had hallucinogenic properties. She figured it would have been useful in this secret spy mission, but she never intended the target to be James Bond…until now.

            Spellbound from the kiss, Bond looked into Kara’s sparkling aquamarine eyes. “Not that I ever complain about a kiss that good, but what was the occasion?”

            “Just a way of saying ‘Congratulations’ on a successful mission,” Kara said.

            Still baffled, Bond looked away from her and back towards Muhammed’s melted body. “I think something may have been in that martini I drank,” he muttered, clutching the side of his head. “I could’ve sworn I saw Sayid Muhammed melting like the Wicked Witch there, a second ago.”

            “And what do you see now?” Kara guardedly asked.

            Bond went to the silver briefcase near Muhammed’s remains, which he paid very little attention in as he closed the case and plucked it off the ground. “No Muhammed, just the launch codes that are going back to MI6. Not quite a ‘successful’ mission…but I’ll still accept that kiss.”

            Kara blushed as 007 bid farewell to her and Mireya.

            After his departure, Mireya breathed a sigh of relief. “Hallucinogenic lipstick never fails. Remind me to thank Professor Song the next time we see her.” She then pondered, “I wonder how an Auton got all the way out to this dimension. Most importantly, how did it get its hands on nuclear launch codes?”

            “We’ll find out when we comb this world for any others,” Kara organized. “Worst case scenario is that we find the Nestene Consciousness anywhere in this realm. Although there’d be way more Autons, if that were the case.”

            “What about a certain lil’ someone calling about an emergency?” Mireya questioned, her hands on her lips and an eyebrow raised.

            Kara groaned. “One headache at a time, Pop.”

            Relieved to be out of the mini-dress and back into her hoodie, along with a few other street clothes, Kara worked at the console to scan Bond’s world for other Auton presences, using a sample of Muhammed’s remains. Thankfully, the results came up clean, with not a single sign of the Nestene Consciousness on any of the scopes. This was only a temporary relief, however, as there was still the mystery of where the Consciousness operated within the Infinite DC.

            Of course, that had to be shelved in favor of checking up on Craig back in his world. It had been a long time since Kara and Mireya done so, having a few of their own adventures across the Infinite DC – some too dark and too perilous for Craig to be involved in. Such a lengthy time away made coming back feel that more wholesome for the Time Ladies.

            Craig waited for them at the usual spot in the creek – near the hollowed-out tree stump that served as the headquarters for him and his friends, J.P. and Kelsey. With the Type-Z TARDIS’s means of traveling across time and space (in addition to reality), there was no telling how long Craig had waited.

            “He either has the patience of a saint or no time has passed for him at all,” Mireya surmised once.

            As soon as she and Kara disembarked from the ship, they rushed right over to Craig like a pair of concerned mothers. “What’s the emergency, lil’ bro? Has your world been invaded?”

            “Whose butt do we need to kick, sweetheart?” Mireya clenched her fist.

            “Nobody’s,” Craig said. “I called ya’ll because of this.” Taking his phone out from his pocket, he showed them a pic he snapped within a grotto of some kind. Among the space cluttered with collectible action figures and Choco Roll wrappers, there was a pirate sword that looked like it might be part of the collection.

            “You called us halfway across the multiverse for a toy sword?!” Kara gritted, trying not to explode into rage in front of her best friend and surrogate little brother. “Craig! When I upgraded your phone, I did it under the pretense that you’d use it for real emergencies!”

            Seeing that she was angry, Craig struggled to reassure her, “But this is an emergency.”

            “Sweetheart, you know we love you very much,” Mireya told him. “But we just don’t see how a toy can be an emergency. Not unless you’d like one for your birthday, which I’m sure we can—”

            “That’s just the thing – it’s not a toy.” Craig zoomed the picture on the hilt of the sword. “Take another look.”

            Kara did so frivolously at first, but then her focus intensified as she finally saw what Craig wanted her to see. Not only was it a genuine pirate sword, but it was engraved with the signature of one “Captain Knick Knutz.” “Oh…my…god!”

            “What is it?” Mireya noticed her wide-eyed look of surprise.

            Taking Craig’s phone out of his hand, a giddy smile manifested on her face. “This is Captain Knutz’s sword!”

            “Captain Knutz?” Mireya knew she heard that name somewhere before. “You mean that wacky show Dale starred in and you grew up on? The one you and Craig can’t stop watching every day in the TARDIS?”

            “That’s the one!” Both Kara and Craig exclaimed.

            “Oh, lil’ bro!” Kara swiped Craig in for a big hug and several kisses across his sizable head (luckily, she removed the hallucinogenic lipstick beforehand). “I’m so sorry that I yelled at you. Do you forgive me?”

            “I will once you stop kissing me!” Craig pulled away. “You promised you’d stop doing that in this regeneration! It’s like being kissed by my mom!”

            “Sorry, sorry!” Kara politely said, gingerly handing his phone right back to him. “Where did you find Captain Knutz’s sword? If I’m not mistaken, that’s Elder Rock, isn’t it?”

            “That funky-smellin’ cave those three hormone-driven teens longue out in?” Mireya identified. “Ugh! They creep me the hell out, especially with how much they obsessed over my last regeneration! I think I caught one of them staring at my butt!”

            “Well, you were wearing those tight olive-green pants that your butt could never seem to agree with,” Kara teased.

            “Rania’s butt never agreed with them,” Mireya elaborated. “The one I have now can make them work.”

            “O.K., this conversation’s becoming very uncomfortable,” Craig recoiled.

            “Right, sorry,” Kara said. “Captain Knutz’s sword. It doesn’t belong in this dimension, yet it got here somehow. And we need to get it to further analyze it. Which means…”

            “We’re going to the funky-smellin’ cave,” Mireya groaned. “That’s just super.”

            There was no simple way Mireya could sit in Elder Rock comfortably. It was a space literally made for children by children. The entrance was rather small, yet somehow Mireya and Kara managed to squeeze through it, mostly by sucking in. Craig had no trouble whatsoever.

            While there was plenty of head space for them, their noggins just an inch or two shy of touching the massive boulder that sat precariously above the grotto, there was just no getting past the foul smell that only teen boys could relate to. It was like being in a boys’ locker room. Kara sunk herself in an available beanbag chair, whereas Mireya sat on a folding chair. At first, she sat with her legs crossed, but that just drove the hormone-fueled elders crazy, staring at her long, toned legs as they were exposed through the part in her skirt. Because of this, she sat the regular way, readjusting her skirt to keep her legs entirely covered.

            “We must profess that you’ve surprised us with your visitation, ladies,” Elder Mark said, taking great joy in talking to the beautiful adult women. “It has been eons since you’ve graced us with your presence in these new, improved, and far more eloquent bodies.”

            “Far more eloquent?” Kara repeated his words in scorn. “Are you implying that our previous bodies weren’t?”

            “N-No!” Elder Barry stammered. “They were very nice – especially yours.” He gestured to Mireya. “As a matter of fact, we were wondering if you could turn back into Miss Rania whenever you want.”

            Mireya rolled her eyes in disgust. “Can we move on to the real reason we’re here please?”

            “Yes, of course,” Elder Mark established. “Craig tells us you wish to precure one authentic pirate sword, correct?”

            “Correct,” Kara verified. “May we have it?”

            “No, you may not,” Mark denied.

            Craig frowned along with Kara and Mireya. “Why not?” he demanded to know. “It’s not like it belongs to anyone. You guys found it floating in a stream.”

            “Yes, we were the ones to find it, ergo we are its sole owners,” Mark affirmed.

            Kara glanced to where the elders were keeping Captain Knutz’s sword, just sitting among the junkpile. It infuriated her to see the weapon of her childhood hero – evidence of his actual existence – treated in such a distasteful way by some adolescent, pimple-faced boys that never even heard of Captain Knutz.

            It would be easy just to snatch the sword from the spot and run out of the grotto with it in hand. The elders were just weak teens, and she was the Gladiator of Gallifrey. She’s battled Daleks, Cybermen, Terminators, every opponent in the Mortal Kombat tournament, and even Satan himself. What would three punk kids do to her?

            She almost made her move in that moment, until Mireya motioned for the both of them and Craig to huddle up. “I’ve got an idea,” she whispered. “I’m going to pull off the T.I.T. maneuver on these so-called ‘elders,’ while you two beeline out with the sword.”

            “The T.I.T. maneuver?” Craig repeated with a questioning frown. “What’s that?”

            “It’s better that you don’t know, sweetheart,” Mireya insisted. “As a matter of fact, Kara, you make sure to cover his eyes, once I give the signal.”

            Having a good idea what she was up to, Kara nodded.

            They broke from their huddle and Mireya faced the elders. “Hey, fellas,” she said. “Bet none of you have seen a pair of these!” She proceeded to grab at the neckline of her cleavage-heavy dress. Kara took this gesture as the signal for her to cover the confused eyes of Craig, as Mireya flashed her busty bosom towards the three elders.

            This maneuver had just the effect they desired, as the elders were totally hypnotized. Seizing her chance, Kara grabbed the sword and dashed out of the cave with Craig. Mireya followed a second later, putting her breasts back into her dress and leaving the elders with their eyes bulging and their mouths gaping.

            “Rania would’ve never done anything like that,” she giggled.

            With Captain Knutz’s sword in their more capable hands, they returned to the TARDIS to have it scanned along one portion of the control console for nuage energy. The results were irrefutable – the sword came from a dimension where Captain Knutz truly existed. Following up on this verification, Kara inputted the data into the TARDIS computer, transporting them across the Infinite DC and to Knutz’s world.

            She, Mireya, and Craig were welcomed by the fresh scent of almonds, as soon as they stepped out of the ship. “Almond Town!” she identified their location – a quaint coastal village that looked to be 18th century from the old-world designs of the houses, taverns, and shops. The men and women were dressed in the fittings of the era, some more dignified than others. And, much to the satisfaction of the three interdimensional travelers, it was a very diversified society.

            “So, this is the world of Captain Knutz,” Mireya observed, her hands amusingly resting on her hips. “I like it already.”

            “Everything here smells like roasted nuts,” Craig noted. “It’s making me hungry.”

            “Then you’ll wanna go to Cashew Tavern, lil’ bro,” Kara said, her excitement bubbling over. “But, first, we’re gonna have to change how we look. If we’re going on this journey, we’re gonna do it right!”

            Mireya and Craig followed her back in the TARDIS to change clothes.

            Kara once again ditched her hoodie, but instead of an uncomfortable mini-dress, she slipped into some adventurous pirate garb that she cobbled together from articles gathered from previous trips, including a genuine pirate captain’s hat. The only contemporary thing that she kept on were her blue skinny jeans.

            Mireya was inspired by Kara’s look for the journey, making a few quick alterations to her green-black corset dress. By the time she was done, she looked like a sexy pirate outlaw. “Geena Davis, eat your heart out!” she said as she looked at herself in the mirror of the TARDIS wardrobe room.

            Whereas Kara and Mireya had no trouble in finding suitable costumes, Craig had a bit of difficulty. “Nothing in here is big enough for me!” he griped while wearing a naval jacket that was five times his size, throwing it off himself in frustration.

            “Aww,” Mireya pitied him. “I’m sure we can find something for you, babe.”

            “I know,” Kara said, reaching into one of her sleeve pockets to retrieve a black eyepatch that sported the skull-and-crossbones model, handing it over to Craig. “See if this works for ya, lil’ bro.”

            Craig put the eyepatch over his right eye and gave a hearty “Argh!”

            “So cute!” Mireya gushed over his subtle change. “I wish I had my camera!”

            “We’ll take selfies later, Pop,” the overeager Kara insisted. “Right now, adventure awaits us!”

Chapter Text

Part Two

            Seeing Kara act so giddy while in the world of Captain Knutz made Mireya smile. It took her back – far back – to simpler times, when she was still Steven Curtsinger and Kara was his daughter, Candace (or “Zoe” as she liked to be called in her childhood). Captain Knutz’s adventures had a profound influence on young Candace. Steven would often see her running around in her Captain Kelly costume, acting out scenes from one of the Saturday morning episodes. Now, several years and many regenerations later, she was doing it again in the actual realm of her favorite show.

            There was one specific place Kara had in mind to go in Almond Town: Cashew Tavern. It looked like a saloon commonly seen in old western films, complete with swinging doors and a bar with an assortment of beverages behind the bartender. At the time of their arrival, the tavern was packed to the gills with pirates of various types – from tall to short, clean to dirty, and black to white. The only thing they all had in common was that they were all male.

            And every single one drew their flintlocks on Kara, Mireya, and Craig just as they entered. Instinctively, the three outsiders held up their hands. Kara and Mireya particularly shielded the terrified Craig from the pirates’ aim. “Why’re they pointing their guns at us?!” Mireya asked Kara. “We haven’t done anything!”

            Even with flintlocks pointed at her face, Kara couldn’t stop smiling over the experience. “They’re pirates, Pop. And so are we, as far as they’re concerned.”

            “LOWER YER WEAPONS, YA BILGE RATS!!” a man’s voice thundered from the bar, though Kara, Mireya, and Craig couldn’t see who it was – the crowd of bloodthirsty pirates blocked him from view. However, Kara recognized the voice as Captain Knick Knutz himself. When the pirates – Knutz’s crew – obliged to their captain’s command, they returned to their tables and, subsequently, their meals.

            Kara beamed, seeing her childhood hero in the flesh, there at the bar.

            Mireya was a bit daunted by how similar he looked to Dale Sydney, the actor who portrayed Captain Knutz (and current husband to Steven’s “widow,” Kristin Curtsinger, in their home realm). Of course, Knutz’s features were more rugged than Dale’s.

            “What’s the matter with ya imbeciles?!” Knutz scolded his crew. “What kind of men threaten to shoot two lovely maidens and a boy who’s yet to see his years!”

            “Sorry, Cap’n,” the crew collectively said.

            “That’s better!” Knutz removed himself from the bar, inviting Kara, Mireya, and Craig to sit with him at one of the vacant tables. “Let’s be makin’ ourselves acquainted. I be Knick Knutz, cap’n of these mouth-droolers!”

            Kara wasted little time getting into character, putting on her best pirate voice. “And I be a cap’n meself! Killer Kara, they call me, on account of the men I’ve killed out over the Big Blue!” She proceeded to invent other stories for Mireya and Craig. “And this be my crew! Madame Mireya, the deadliest warrior princess from the land of Gallifrey! And One-Eyed Craig, a lost boy that I’ve taken as me own!”

            “Quite the crew ye have,” Knutz approved.

            “Aye,” Kara grunted. “We voyaged with many others, until the seas claimed our ship, three days ago. Now, we be three lost souls, wanderin’ over yonder from one island to the next.”

            “Well, wander no more, lass,” Knutz said. “Ye and yer two-person crew are welcome to sail with me and mine ‘til ye find yerselves a new ship and home.”

            This was exactly what Kara hoped he would say. For a pirate captain, Knutz had quite the big heart (sometimes too big for his own good), willing to offer second chances to those who deserve it and give a home to those in need aboard his ship, the Nutcracker.

            “Ye wouldn’t be the first lost souls we’ve picked up lately,” he added. “Why, just a fortnight ago, we happened on a stranger by the name of Guybrush Threepwood, seekin’ an island of monkeys!” Kara and Craig frowned at the name, not recognizing it as any of the characters they knew from the Captain Knutz show. Even when Knutz pointed Threepwood out among his crew in the saloon, he was still unrecognizable.

            “Is he a character from a future episode?” Craig whispered to Kara.

            “Impossible,” Kara whispered back, shaking her head. “Captain Knutz went off the air, ten years before I left Earth. I’ve seen every single episode, and I don’t remember any ‘Guybrush Threepwood’ being in any of them.” She took another glance at the mystery character and surmised, “He must be another rift victim.”

            “What ye lads be whisperin’ ‘bout over there?” Knutz inquired.

            Kara quickly switched back to her pirate voice as she answered, “Oh, nuttin’ worth yammerin’ on, Cap’n! Except maybe what to fill our gullets with!”

            “Crackin’ idea, lass!” Knutz heartily bellowed, slamming his fist across their table. He then yelled to the bartender, “Three rounds of drinks for me new friends!”

            “Argh!” Craig eagerly grunted. “My tongue desires the taste of rum!”

            “Oh, no, it doesn’t!” Mireya restricted, her parental instincts flaring. “You’re too young to drink rum.”

            “Besides, lil’ bro, you know they only drink almond milk here,” Kara reminded.

            The bartender arrived with their drinks, not a moment later. Just as he set them down on their table, he looked out through the window near them and angrily shouted, “Oy! What did I say ‘bout you muckin’ ‘round ‘ere wit yer hideous mug!” Kara, Mireya, Craig, and even Knutz wasn’t sure who he was talking to at first, until they looked out the window. They were startled by the wonky-eyed man leering back at them.

            Kara and Craig knew him as “Ugly Pete,” the lesser of Knutz’s crew that was looked down upon, due to his physical malformations. In addition to his wonky eyes, his greyed hairline receded halfway over his scalp, his teeth were entirely wooden, scars ran across his forehead and left cheek, and there were fish hooks in his beard and the bridge of his nose.

            Mireya felt ill just looking at him. “Oh, dear. I’m not one to ever judge others by their looks but…Good Lord!”

            Knutz slapped his hand against the window, startling Pete. “We talked about this, Ugly Pete! Yer mug be makin’ people sick! Ya can’t be peepin’ like ye are now!”

            “But I’m ‘ungry, Cap’n,” Pete blubbered.

            “I’ll bring ya a doggy bag!” Knutz reassured, and on this reassurance did Ugly Pete finally move out of sight.

            “A doggy bag,” one of the crewmen cackled. “Good one, Cap’n!”

            “A doggy bag for the dog-face himself,” another hooted, leading into an uproar of laughter among Knutz’s entire crew.

            Unfortunately, Pete could hear it from outside the tavern.

            Aboard the Nutcracker, Kara and Mireya were immediately subjected to the wooing of several members of the crew. Mireya, in particular, caught the eye of Handsome Jack, Knutz’s second-in-command and the antithesis of Ugly Pete. A young man with a broad physique and chiseled jawline, Jack hailed from the “Frost Lands,” according to Captain Knutz lore. Once a destined prince, his kingdom fell from poverty before he could settle on the throne. With nothing much left, he met Knick Knutz one day, and the captain gave him a new home.

            However, in spite of his loss, Jack’s demeanor was still that of a spoiled prince with an inflated ego. That much was certain when he approached Mireya, bowing to her and kissing her hand. “You are truly a goddess among mortal men, my dear,” he told her. “I would be honored to take you as my wife.”

            Mireya choked on her air, hearing Jack’s sudden proposal. “I’m flattered, but we’ve only just met!”

            “‘Tis love at first sight, something that I humbly believe,” Jack attested.

            “I don’t think she be interested in ya, Jack,” Pete spoke up. He was the only one performing his duties on deck, while the other men fawned over their new female guests.

            Angered by the misshapen man’s observation, Jack sharply turned to him and retorted, “And I suppose you believe she’s interested in a pathetic creature like you, Pete?” His belittling remarks were backed by the laughter of his crewmates. “How could a monster like you ever dream to be with a woman so high above your standards?”

            Mireya stood and watched Jack and the other men degrade Pete, who sunk even further in his hunched posture. She didn’t find it amusing whatsoever. In fact, it brought back some rather disquieting memories of her childhood on Gallifrey, when she – like Pete – was seen as a “freak” by her peers in the academy, all because of how much of an earthly child she was.

            “That’s enough!” She thundered over the cackling pirates, who ceased at her imposing request. “Shame on all of you for treating Pete this way! He may not look human to all of you, but he still has a heart that feels! How would one of you feel if you were in his position?!”

            Neither Jack nor the other crewmen said another word after Mireya’s admonishment, returning to their duties in shame. Pete, on the other hand, swelled with gratitude for her speaking in his defense – no woman ever having done so before then…none as beautiful as Mireya.

            Not much later did the Nutcracker come across a small rowboat in the middle of the sea, managed by a bloated, sweaty gentleman in merchant garb. “Beggar Bill,” Kara identified him for Mireya. “I think I have a good idea which episode we’re in now, ‘cause Bill only made one appearance in Season Three.”

            “Is he a good guy?” Mireya inquired.

            Kara wiggled her fingers in a so-so gesture. “Depends on how much in valuables you’re carrying around.”

            Bill’s rowboat was hoisted up along the side of the Nutcracker. Bill himself stepped onto the deck and greeted the crew with arms wide open. “Hello, hello, hello!” he said in a loud, boisterous voice that quickly annoyed some of the crew. He also had a nasty habit of snorting between sentences. “I am Beggar Bill, and I’m here to make the deal of a lifetime with you wonderful people! For I have something you all might be interested in!”

            “And what ye be havin’ of such value, Beggar Bill?” Knutz asked.

            Bill produced a rolled-up piece of parchment from his lavish ruby-red coat. “A map to the elusive Monkey Island!”

            Guybrush’s ears flared up. “Monkey Island?!”

            “That’s the island it says here on this map,” Bill stated, noting Threepwood’s interest. “You willing to trade for it, young man?”

            “You bet I am! Lemme just…” Guybrush patted himself, searching for something of value that he could trade for the map. Unfortunately, his pockets were empty. “Well, that’s weird. I usually have an endless inventory on me. But, for once, I don’t have anything.”

            Beggar Bill contemptuously shook his head at Threepwood, shifting his attention from the penniless pirate to Craig, whose staff he eyed hungrily – specifically the blue diamond-shaped crystal atop it. “I say, my boy! Would you be willing to part with that marvelous staff of yours as exchange for this map to Monkey Island?”

            Guybrush fixated a hopeful gaze on Craig, who otherwise tightened his grip on his staff and told Beggar Bill, “No, I won’t! This is mine!”

            And, just like that, Guybrush’s hopes were dashed.

            Seemingly insulted, Beggar Bill turned his snorting nose up at Craig and tucked the map securely back into his coat. He said not another word as he climbed back into his rowboat and was lowered back to sea.

            “I’m sorry,” Craig told Guybrush, seeing how disappointed he was.

            Threepwood held nothing against Craig. “It’s alright. You’re just looking after your treasure.” He then added with a despondent huff, “I just hope I’ll have another chance to look for mine.”

            His words intrigued Kara, who began to consider what he might be looking for on this “Monkey Island.”

            Craig bunked in the crew’s quarters that night – a decision that he deeply regretted with the cavalcade of snores that disrupted his sleeping. There were also the body odors that fumigated the room. Craig figured he could rough it out; the Stump smelled just as bad after he, Kelsey, and J.P. had one too many Choco Rolls. But the putrid funk developing in the crew’s quarters was too much to bear after nearly an hour.

            Figuring he would be better off sleeping with Kara and Mireya in the captain’s quarters, which Knutz graciously offered in favor of sleeping in the crew’s quarters, Craig jumped out of his hammock. He was just about to leave until he reached for his staff, only to discover that it was no longer where he last put it before sleeping. He searched through every corner of the crew’s quarters, at the risk of getting near the smelliest of crewmen, yet he had no luck finding his staff.

            Then he remembered…Guybrush Threepwood!

            He was the only character that existed outside the world of Captain Knutz, and he was the only one who benefited from stealing Craig’s staff, exchanging it for Beggar Bill’s treasure map.

            However, there was one problem with this theory: Guybrush was still sleeping in the crew’s quarters.

            So, who stole my staff?!

            Murmurings outside the quarters drew Craig back onto the main deck, where he found some of the crew that was still awake, boarding an available rowboat. Among them was Handsome Jack, who had Craig’s staff gripped in one hand. “Jack’s the thief?!” he gasped in shock. “I thought he was one of the good guys.”

            “Gotcha!” Before Craig knew it, the night atmosphere got even darker, as he was snatched up in a burlap sack. The culprit was one of Jack’s loyalists, lugging Craig over to the former prince. “Caught ourselves a lil’ mouse, Your Majesty!”

            “The boy?” Jack deduced, eyeing the sack with the squirming Craig inside. With an uncomfortable sigh, he instructed, “Bring him. We cannot risk him going to Knutz or those lovely maidens about this.” His crony did as he was told, hopping aboard the rowboat with the captured Craig.

            Jack was the last to board, before one of his loyalists pointed to something behind him. He turned to see Ugly Pete, jolted by his hideous face, which was in close proximity of him. “What the devil do you think you’re doing here, monster?!”

            “I cannae let ya take that boy, Jack,” Pete said.

            Jack would’ve laughed, if he wasn’t trying to wake the whole ship. Instead, he settled on an amused smirk. “I must say, what you lack in looks, you certainly make up in humor, my friend. Now, be a good little goblin and crawl back to your—”

            POW! Jack was caught off-guard by a sudden right cross Pete blindsided him with.

            It was almost an effective punch, managing to draw a bit of blood from the corner of Jack’s mouth. Jack was even impressed by it. “Not bad, monster. But let me show you a real blow.” He then delivered one fierce uppercut on Pete that knocked a few of his wooden teeth out. Pete momentarily found himself looking up at the stars in the night sky; there were twice as many up there in his dazed perspective. He then felt himself grappled by Handsome Jack, hopelessly allowing the former prince to toss his malformed body overboard into the raging waters.

Chapter Text

Part Three

            Along the shores of Monkey Island, Guybrush Threepwood was finally reunited with the love of his life – his wife, Elaine Marley. Leaping over rocks, shipwreck remains, and other treacherous obstacles, he ran straight for Elaine, arms wide open and a loving smile on his face. He could only figure she had the same smile, being several feet away and running towards him.

            It was a wonderful reunion…too bad it was all just a dream…

            …a dream that he was cruelly awakened out of when his hammock was suddenly turned over in reality, spilling him onto the floor of the crew’s quarters. Still in dream mode, he floundered about and asked, “Where’s Elaine?!”

            “Who’s Elaine?” He heard a woman ask him back.

            Looking up, he saw Kara and Mireya glaring on him furiously. “Where’s Craig?” Kara demanded to know. “What did you do to him?”

            Finally waking up, Guybrush looked around and saw that most of the crew had already gotten up for the day and were probably tending to their duties around the Nutcracker. He stood up and stretched, letting out a big yawn as he addressed the two angry women in front of him. “Who’s Craig again?”

            “The sweet lil’ fella with the staff that Beggar dude wanted in exchange for the map to Donkey Island!” Mireya recounted.

            “Monkey Island,” Guybrush corrected her.

            “I don’t give a monkey’s ass what it’s called!” Kara snapped. “You were the only one interested in that map when Beggar Bill put it up for trade yesterday. And when Craig refused to give up his staff, you seemed pretty upset that he did.”

            “I was?” Guybrush vacantly reflected. “I was a little disappointed, but I told your little friend that I completely understood.”

            “Suuure, you did,” Mireya patronized.

            “Hey, what’s with the third degree?” Guybrush inquired. “You ladies act like I killed him or something.”

            “Well, he was sleeping here in the crew’s quarters with you last night,” Kara indicated. “And now, he’s gone – completely disappeared from the ship! Captain Knutz doesn’t know where he is, the crew doesn’t know…”

            “And you’re the only one we haven’t checked who has the most to gain from his disappearance!” Unable to contain her fury much longer, Mireya snatched Guybrush by the lapels of his coat, threateningly bringing his terrified face close to her infuriated face. He could see the fire in her eyes. “If anything happened to Craig, so help me God, I’ll—”

            “That be enough, Miss Mireya.” Someone at the doorway to the crew’s quarters saved Guybrush from a potential pummeling. Their eyes darted to see Captain Knutz, who looked as peeved as Kara and Mireya. “It be clear we have a traitor aboard the Nutcracker, so I’ve called for a proper tribunal on the deck.”

            He led Kara, Mireya, and Guybrush out of the crew’s quarters and onto the main deck where, certain enough, all of the crew was gathered on the orders of Captain Knutz. Each man was questioned and each one gave the same answer: “I be sleepin’ like a log when the lad was taken, Cap’n.”

            However, not all of the men were present for the tribunal. “Where be Handsome Jack and Ugly Pete?!” Knutz thundered. “For that matter, where be seven other bilge rats I don’t see in front of me?!”

            “CAP’N!” a crewman bellowed from the crowd. “There be a ship approachin’ on the starboard bow!”

            Everyone looked to where the crewman indicated the forthcoming vessel.

            Kara’s eyes glistened when she recognized it. “It’s the maiden ship!”

            Hearing her describe it that way, Mireya analyzed the other ship’s hull. “Doesn’t look all that new. Kinda bit worn out, actually.”

            “No, it’s not on a maiden voyage – it’s a maiden ship,” Kara clarified.

            Mireya soon realized what she meant as the ship anchored along the starboard side of the Nutcracker. It was a ship full of maidens – women as beautiful as Kara and Mireya themselves. Despite all wearing dresses, they navigated around their ship with such elegance and grace, like angels. The men of Knutz’s crew were enamored, all of them way out of the maidens’ league. Whereas they were men whose bodies were wracked with filth and bad hygiene, the maidens were well-mannered and sparkling clean.

            This was reflected in their captain, the voluptuous yet venomous Captain Kelly, Knutz’s arch rival. She was the only one who boldly boarded the Nutcracker, prompting Knutz’s men to cower as she went straight up to Knutz and said, “Bonjour, Knickolaus.”

            “You speak to me in the Queen’s English, Kelly!” Knutz commanded.

            “Very well,” Kelly obliged, her French accent still quite evident. “We’ve come to your pauvre excuse pour un ship with a special guest.” She gestured for two of her Amazonian-sized crewwomen to roughly escort the only man they had onboard at the time, keeping him restrained with ropes around his wrists and ankles.

            “Ugly Pete?!” Knutz recognized him, his fury towards Kelly sweltering. “You witch! What’ve ya done to him?!”

            “Du calme, Knickolaus,” Kelly coolly said. “We fished this retched soul from the waters just this morning. As we do most men that dare come aboard our ship, it was our intention to castrate this…uh…thing you call a ‘man’.” She turned her nose up at Ugly Pete whilst indicating his groin with the edge of her sword. “But there’s nothing left down there to cut off – just a shriveled mess of what used to be…what do you idiots call it? Manhood?”

            Watching the entire scene as if it were an episode of the Captain Knutz program, Mireya whispered to Kara, “Since when do they use castration in a children’s show?!”

            Kara innocently shrugged. “Captain Kelly was really popular with the French audience. A lot of dialogue got mixed up between international broadcasts.”

            Meanwhile, Knutz bellowed to Kelly, “Ugly Pete might not be easy on the eyes, but not even he deserves yer venomous tongue, wench!” His hand went to the hilt of his sheathed cutlass. “Now either speak yer peace or we be clashin’ irons here and now!”

            “Très bien,” Kelly conceded. “Your man claimed the right of parley and requested to be returned to you with important news.”

            “Handsome Jack betrayed ya, Cap’n,” Pete divulged. “Kidnapped dat lad, too.”

            Kara and Mireya stiffened at this news. “Jack’s got Craig?!”

            “Oh, I knew I didn’t like that dude for a reason!” Mireya clenched her fists. “When I find him, I’m gonna kick his ass!”

            Hearing her tenacious vow, Kelly smirked in observance of her and Kara. “I admire your rage. Veuillez m’excuser. Why are two powerful women like yourselves in the accompaniment of Knutz and his hideous, foul-smelling crewmen?”

            Kara almost couldn’t believe she was talking to the Captain Kelly, who just complimented her. “We’re big fans,” she answered.

            “You must be,” Kelly stated. “How else will you fan away their funk?”

            The entire crew of maidens laughed at Kelly’s joke at the expense of the embarrassed Knutz and his crew.

            Craig was more than relieved once the rowboat he was forced onto came ashore. At least, he thought that it did. Being stuffed inside of a smelly burlap sack robbed him of a clear view of the world around him. It didn’t have any holes for him to peep through. He did get a sense of what time of the day it was with etches of sunlight coming through the fabric.

            “We made it, boys!” He heard Handsome Jack’s roar of celebration. “The illustrious Monkey Island! There’s a reason that weakling Hairbrush Timberwood wanted to come here so bad – and I believe it’s because of buried treasure!” His hungry loyalists howled in agreement. “And now Beggar Bill, with the map, will take us right to it.”

            “N-Now, I m-must confess, Mr. J-Jack,” Beggar Bill stammered nervously. “I…I didn’t q-quite specify knowledge of where said ‘buried treasure’ is…only b-because the m-map d-doesn’t sp-specify.”

            Craig didn’t hear any voices after that confession; it was tensely quiet.

            Then he heard the unsheathing of swords, Beggar Bill shrieking like a girl, and Handsome Jack furiously demanding, “You’ll tell us where it is, you little pissant, or my boys and I will—”

            Jack didn’t get through his entire threat before what sounded to Craig like wild, whooping tribesmen ambushed the pirates. He heard a violent scuffle follow and felt the rowboat – that he was still trapped on – knocked back. “Guys?!” he cried. “Let me out of here! Take me back to my friends now!”

            But none of them helped. The sounds of the scuffle grew distant.

            Had he been left adrift out in the middle of the ocean?

            Panicked, he fought through the binds of the burlap sack to set himself free. There was nothing in his purse of holding sharp enough to cut his way out. He kicked and screamed several times before he suddenly felt something pull on the rowboat, bringing it back ashore. Whoever or whatever it was, they then came for Craig and the sack next.

            “NO!” he yelped, fearing it to be a tribesman. “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

            “It’s alright,” said the kind voice of a British woman. “I’m going to set you free.”

            She followed through on her promise, opening the burlap sack and freeing Craig.

            He got a good look at his savior: a young, beautiful woman with long, wavy red hair. “Who are you?” he asked her.

            “I’m Elaine Marley,” she kindly introduced. “Welcome to Monkey Island.”

Chapter Text

Part Four

            Ugly Pete luckily witnessed the direction that Handsome Jack and his cronies sailed in, which was helpful in giving Knutz and Kelly a heading for their respective ships and crews. Kara and Mireya both prayed that Craig wasn’t harmed; they were prepping themselves for one violent confrontation with Handsome Jack that would make the Mortal Kombat tournament look like an after-school tussle.

            But, when they all came ashore on Monkey Island in their rowboats, they found Jack and his men tied to long wooden posts around a large pile of logs that were waiting to be lit into a bonfire. Near them was a small settlement containing a number of huts suitable to house a reasonably sized tribe like the three individuals that captured Jack and his men. They stood at the bonfire with lit torches, anxious to ignite it.

            Guybrush knew the unique tribesmen well. “If it isn’t the Monkey Island Cannibals,” he greeted in a friendly demeanor.

            The cannibals turned to face them.

            One with a red skull, one with a rock face, and one with a lemon head.

            “Oh, it’s you!” the red skull excitedly responded. “Paintbrush Thickwood!”

            “Guybrush Threepwood,” he corrected.

            Mireya was amused by the casual exchange between them. “Wait, you’re friends with these dudes?!” she asked Guybrush.

            “Oh, yeah,” Guybrush said. “They captured me when I was poking around their village, but I escaped from them…then I came back, escaped again, and came back again several times. They were a huge help in thwarting my enemy – the villainous pirate captain known as LeC…”

            “CURSE YE FOR YER BETRAYAL, HANDSOME JACK!!!” Knutz vented at his imprisoned former crewman.

            “Where’s Craig?!” Kara also confronted him.

            “Like I care about your little pet!” Jack spat. “Free us from these savages!”

            “Hey!” the lemon head protested. “Only we can use that word!”

            “I’ve got a better idea, Jack,” Mireya said, snatching a torch from the grip of the lemon head and igniting the bonfire, to the horror of Jack and his gang. She then followed up on this by asking everyone, “Who wants roasted wieners?” Kelly’s crew of maidens immediately held their hands up, while Kelly herself smiled and nodded approvingly.

            It took Jack and his boys nearly a whole minute before they realized what “roasted wieners” meant. Beggar Bill caved and sang like a bird: “WE DON’T KNOW WHERE THE BOY IS!!! HONEST!!!!”

            “He was still in the rowboat, when these cannibals attacked us!” Jack added.

            Kara’s eyes searched all over the shore, only seeing the rowboats that she and Mireya came in with Knutz, Kelly, and their crews. “What rowboat?!” Kara thundered. “Jack, I swear to God, if you’re lying to us—!”

            “He was there!” Jack barked. “He could’ve escaped!”

            “Ohhh, I hope not,” Guybrush grumbled. “Monkey Island is treacherous terrain. It could be days or months before we find that kid…that is, if he’s even alive. Cannibals are one thing, but there are the monkeys, the vultures, the…”

            “Oh, Guybrush, don’t be so dramatic!”

            Guybrush stiffened when he heard that familiar, lovely British-accented voice. Turning to face the jungle foliage along with the rest of the group, they saw a beautiful redheaded pirate woman walk into the cannibals’ settlement with a rather sullen-looking Craig Williams.

            “ELAINE!!” Guybrush beamed the moment he saw the redheaded pirate.

            “Guybrush!” She called back.

            They ran to each other, just as how Guybrush dreamt, arms wide open and a loving smile on both their faces. The only difference in reality was the lack of rocks, shipwreck remains, and other obstacles to leap over. Of course, that made running to each other much easier.

            The two long-lost lovers embraced and shared a long, passionate kiss.

            “HAIRBRUSH!” Jack’s demanding tone was all that interrupted their happy reunion. “Tell us where the treasure of Monkey Island is! At least provide me with the satisfaction of knowing its location!”

            Disengaging from Elaine, Guybrush looked on Jack and, with a breath of confidence, he told him, “That’s just it, Jackie Boy – Elaine is the only treasure I’ve been seeking all along.”

            “Oh, Guybrush,” Elaine remarked, touched by the sweet sentiment.

            Even Kara, Mireya, Kelly, and the maidens couldn’t resist a collective “Aww!”

            Jack, on the other hand, felt like he was going to vomit. “You can go ahead and eat us now,” he told the cannibals.

            “We’ll get to it,” the red skull said. “Soon as we find that Greek seasoning.”

            Meanwhile, Kara and Mireya expected to have just as happy of a reunion with Craig. However, as they were about to welcome him back with a group hug, they held back when they watched Craig furiously take off the eyepatch that he wore for the entire adventure, hurling it out into the ocean.

            Surprised at this, Kara started to say, “Craig, are you al…?”

            “Take me home…now!” he assertively demanded.

            Something was clearly wrong with the 10-year-old. “I’ll talk to him,” Mireya volunteered in a whisper, walking away with Craig afterwards. She did this not only to spare Kara the trouble of confronting her little brother on his sour attitude, but also to give her one last moment with her childhood hero, Captain Knutz.

            “Well, Cap’n,” she approached him, putting on her pirate persona one last time. “My itty-bitty crew and I must be partin’ ways with ya.”

            “Aw, so soon?” Knutz sulked. “Well, I can’t be blamin’ ya, after such a perilous adventure fer yer boy.” He nodded to Craig. “Is the lad okay? He seemed a bit peeved there from that scallywag Jack’s kidnappin’.”

            Kara glimpsed at Craig and Mireya, overcome with guilt. “I’m not sure, Cap’n. All I know is this is one of the greatest journeys of my life…and it’s already come and gone.”

            “May I leave ye with some words of wisdom, dear?”

            Kara lit up when she heard this. Every episode of the Captain Knutz show ended with “Knutz’s Words of Wisdom,” a closing segment where Knutz would break the fourth wall and address the kids at home. Obviously, to his request, Kara approved with a resounding “YES!” She caught herself afterwards, clearing her throat and rephrasing with a calmer tone, “I mean…aye.”

            Knutz proceeded to tell her, “Yer greatest journey is yet to come. It’s a vast sea of worlds out there, callin’ out yer name. New adventures to be havin’, new friends to be makin’. Whenever ye feel yer story’s endin’, just remember…it’s only just gettin’ started.”

            Tears welled up in Kara’s eyes, feeling six years old again. “Aye-aye, Cap’n.”

            After a thrilling live adventure with Captain Knutz that resulted in Guybrush and Elaine living out the rest of their happy life together on Monkey Island, as well as Kara keeping Knutz’s sword, the mood in the Type-Z TARDIS should have been one of joy and laughter. But Craig’s morose mood dampened things.

            “Sweetie?” Mireya delicately addressed him. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

            Craig hadn’t said a word the entire trip back to his home realm; his back had been to his Time Lord hostesses the whole time.

            Kara eventually figured out what was wrong. “You’ve reached your limit, haven’t you? Just like Jessica?”

            Craig sighed. “Jessica was too little. Me…I tried to be brave every trip, no matter whatever monster we faced or danger we were in. But when I was trapped in Handsome Jack’s sack and I felt that boat start to drift out into the ocean? Guys, I was really scared…scared for the first actual moment I’ve been in the Infinite DC. I didn’t think I would see my family, J.P., Kelsey, or the Creek ever again.”

            Mireya broke into tears, enveloping Craig in her sympathetic arms. “Oh, sweetheart. We are so sorry.”

            Kara used her sleeve to wipe away her own tears. “Me, too, lil’ bro. But you know we’ll always be there to save you.”

            Craig tore himself out of Mireya’s embrace, pointing angrily at Kara. “You can’t promise that, Neas!” He wasn’t just using her High Gallifreyan name; he was using the name he had grown accustomed to, from the time spent with Kara’s past eleventh incarnation. Calming himself, he continued, “I want to believe that you can always save me. But I also don’t want to risk another trip that could be my last. I wanna go home…for good this time. No more Infinite DC journeys. And I never want to see you, Mireya, or any other versions of y’all ever again!”

            That last heart-wrenching demand sealed it for Kara and Mireya.

            No more words were exchanged afterwards.

            Craig was dropped off at his house and the TARDIS disappeared out of his realm and out of his life forever. Bad as he felt about how things ended, Craig was nonetheless relieved to finally have a normal childhood again.

            Two months had passed since Craig’s trips through the infinite dimensional corridor ended. So much happened in that time: he, Kelsey, and J.P. discovered a group of plushie-obsessed kids deep within the Creek, a spooky ghoul nearly threatened his candy haul on Halloween, he and his friends traveled to an alternate “Creekiverse” (no TARDIS necessary), and they had the best winter break ever.

            It all seemed to have lasted nearly a whole season’s worth. He couldn’t wait for the finale.

            One day, as he was coming home from school, a bizarre thing happened.

            Something that he hadn’t expected to happen since permanently ending his adventures in the Infinite DC.

            He was ambushed by a bunch of putty men along his driveway.

            They swarmed around him, performing some weird dance as they did so.

            “Ugh!” Craig groaned, knowing this weirdness could only be a result of the Infinite DC. “I am so sick of that place! I meant it when I said that I was done with it!” He swatted at the putty men with his staff, forcing each of them to duck and dodge. “Leave…me…ALONE!!!”

            Unfortunately, one of the putties managed to snatch his staff out from his grip, tossing it out into the street.

            Craig could only watch in abject horror as the putties advanced on him.

            “Leave ‘im alone, ya bleedin’ feckers!”

            He suddenly heard a woman with a thick Irish accent speak out behind him. Before he could have turned to see where it came from, a figure with long, flowing red hair – clad in a green military jacket, skintight blue jeans, and brown boots – breezed in from Craig’s right side. The scent of Blooming Heather seeped into his nostrils as he saw her…the Irishwoman.

            Standing between Craig and the putty men, she glimpsed at Craig with dark blue twinkling eyes and warmly reassured him, “I gotcha, lil’ brotha.”

            “Lil’ brotha,” Craig frowned at the term of endearment. He knew of only one person who called him that. In this moment of realization, he whined, “Oh, no…here we go again.”